This Week in Milford

April 4, 2015

Won’t Somebody Think of the Children?

April 4, 2015

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So who are these two twentysomethings jogging off into the sunset? Putting the burden of this stinker of a basketball season behind them has taken years off the Thorps’ appearance. Maybe Mimi’s spent the season getting plastic surgery spa treatments with the money Mudlark boosters have been slipping Gil after winning the state football title. (Given she was only seen coaching once – and that during practice – she’s certainly had the time on her hands.)

Quick cut to the MILFORD RECREATION CENTER (nice Chartpak lettering on the facade there) and we’re left with an unprecedented WTF plot resolution. In Gil’s own words:

“Bobby manipulated Max Bacon as an experiment, and then to impress a girl. He hurt Max – and he hurt the team.”

This is the kind of kid you let coach children at a rec center? Rubin, you are so dumb, you are really dumb, for real.

What kind of legend will these kids be a part of? I’ll leave it to the words of another Gil:

November 8, 2007

Beating up children eases our pain of losing…

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, Milford Weirdos — jasbeattie @ 9:17 am

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Hooray! That game is over! (Though we won’t know what the final score was until those Valley Tech pranksters sneak up and shave it into the back of Coach Shaw’s head.) And so we can move along to whatever the hell is going on in the first panel today. I’m going to go out on a limb and theorize that Gil is showing his assistants how to properly punch elementary school students through the bus window without injuring their own fists. Too bad Coach Shaw is too high to pay any attention. He’s just glad he was invited to something.

We jump back to Cullystein and the Bad News Taurus Gang as they go food shopping at the local floor tile store. (Which makes sense when you see what they eat at the cafeteria.) Glad to see that Greaser Mitch is as tough as Kaz, as he also wears earrings in both ears. He’s also tough enough to be a fictional character with the voice of Lee Majors! And now some boring guy say he stole an iPod? But Mitch says he didn’t? Sound like we have an exciting new case for Coach Kaz, P.I.! Next, it’ll be time for him to start punching the hell out of interrogating the elementary school kids. (You may think the culprit is the rough criminal dude, but it turns out the drummer actually did it. He needed an iPod for his van.)

November 23, 2019

“And Now We Pause for Station Indentification. This Is the Milford Mudlark Radio Network.”

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“I would never do something so unprofessional… Oh? Okay, so maybe I did something so unprofessional, but somebody had to think of the children!”  It’s all I can do to keep myself from making a political reference in today’s post. Chet’s denial of wrongdoing immediately followed with an admission of wrongdoing and an attempt to make it about something other than his own self-interest would serve him well in an executive branch position.

Speaking of the executive branch, looks like Marjie’s on the horn to LBJ who may or may not be giving her his pants order. Can’t be Chance Macy’s grandpa, can it? He had more pronounced male pattern baldness last time we saw him. But who else would be saying Chance would be “prepared” for whatever come next? And who’s this “us” Marjie’s referring to? Did she give Superintendent Whatshisname and Captain Man Bun a day to look into this? Just how is Chance getting “prepared”? Does it involve a whetstone?

Now let’s wrap this thing up before Christmas and move on to hoops. Milford’s lost two in the conference so playdowns are out of the picture; we’ve got enough time for a face-saving victory over Valley Tech as Chet Ballard slinks off the school board, out of his marriage, and under the desk at his office. Maybe we can revisit him a couple of years from now, after he’s sent to jail for insurance fraud. The way he sings, he’ll make a great canary.

July 7, 2008

When plot is past expiration date, please dispose of it immediately.

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, exposition comics, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots — jasbeattie @ 9:23 am

7/5/08

Up-nostril shot: Totally unnecessary.

Attempted first panel joke: Totally unfunny.

Window into just how goddamn stupid Elmer is: Totally sad.

The fact that this dreary plot is wrapping up…?: Totally worth it.

There’s no way this can keep going, right? Right?

7/7/08

Auggggh! Still? The drinking of wee soda and discussion of Mexican directions that make absolutely no sense do nothing to placate me. This was supposed to be over by now!!

In the nearly two  years I’ve been writing this blog, I think this is the least-satisfying plot arc yet. Starting from August 2006, we had:

  • Thorp daughter and her Indian friend participate in gymnastics meets against a little bitchy girl: Lame, but at least not too time consuming.
  • Ben Franklin hustles Marty Moon at golf. Marty drinks heavily in his parked car: Awesome.
  • Stormy Hicks whines through football season, but then a car explodes and Bill Ritter chops his leg off: Violence worth initial whininess.
  • Tyler Hicks wants to be the starting point guard so he clubs himself in the head: WTF?-Awesome goodness.
  • Old weirdo named Clambake coaches baseball team, tells boring stories that apparently fascinate teenagers, then turns out to be a lying fraud. Also softball team shaves head because their coach doesn’t have cancer: Now we’re rolling!
  • Kaz punches his way into becoming a private investigator for a washed-up singer. (Turns out Ben Franklin did it.) Also…Bill the one-legged boxer: The standard-bearer of plotlines. Can Neal ever top this?
  • Cully the killer football player makes bad friends, then Coach Thorp asks him to kill Marty Moon. Also, losers from another school play some pranks. (I’m still waiting for that part to be resolved…): Well anything after last summer is bound to be a bit of a let-down.
  • Andrew Gregory goes through like 14 personality changes and for some reason Marty Moon pretends to be his dad while Mr. Gregory is out on jungle patrol: Back to good ol’ WTF!

Then…Several months of this crap. Why did I just recap a bunch of old stories? 1.) Because I have literally nothing left to say about El-Mullet and 2.) To remind all of us (including Neal), how spectacularly ridiculous this comic can be! So let’s just call Mulligan on the spring/half-of summer 2008 and start fresh tomorrow. Please??? For the children? Won’t someone please think of the children?

July 2, 2020

Tighten Those Abs When You Close The Tailgate In The Latest Jane Fonda Workout Video.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 4:04 am

 

That’s right, you should be feeling a burn when you close those pecs tighter than a screwdriver on a loose nut when you are making a routine grounder to first. Get down and dirty when the ball takes a bad hop and get the adrenaline in those glutes. Feel your radial and ulna strain for redemption when you’re diving for a vicious line drive.

As long as we’re going to tell Rent-an-Ump that he really has no authority and was just called by Gil to do glorified babysitting, we might as well get a decent exercise regimen going. There’s really nothing better to do than boss people around because the ump really isn’t doing it, a shark with no teeth, (hey, that sounds like Gil) and eating pizza while catching up with Elviney and Loweezy on the latest gossip. As long as the backstop really isn’t designated for baseball purposes, we might as well use it for SOMETHING, since our tax dollars are financing this structure without a sport. Gossiping through the fence is just as good as anything at this point.

Hitorque raised a good point. This is too much like parents getting overinvolved with their kids, especially at the Instructional level. And as Coach Stuard taught me, it is too late to instruct once the game starts. That’s where you instruct in PRACTICE.

But as long as Phoebe Keener bombed out as a virtual graduate assistant for Mimi in basketball (but she could read those meaningless stats as if she were Vin Scully) or girlfriend (well, not all her fault, The Mayor sealed his own fate buttering Pop-Tarts) or softball player (hey, franchise players rally the troops when Jamila gets injured stubbing her toe on the pitching rubber) or a friend in need (her actions towards The Mayor after his exile were noble but now he’s hawking pizza in the stands when he’s not the glue for this Valley Mudified team that is coming apart at the seams.

So she has found her calling as a bleacher bum who instills words of wisdom to players who wouldn’t be caught dead playing this sport, let alone this game(?) , hoping they’ll learn to turn the 6-4-3 double play by osmosis. Kinda like Norman Vincent Peale trying to instruct Kareem Abdul-Jabbar on how to get the heck out of the way when Kareem’s the shortstop and an outfielder is calling him off on a tweener fly ball. Man coming in has the right-of-way, Kareem. Okay, time to sit down in my lawn chair, light my pipe and enjoy fun at the old ball park. Until Kareem overthrows the 1st baseman and the runner is given a 2-base award. Then the fun stops and you tell Kareem to throw to the chest.

 

Face it, we’re not out of the woods on this COVID-19 pandemic. Good news is that things are gradually returning to normal. Still can’t help but notice a sign that said at a truck stop

“Do not enter if you are infested with COVID-19.”

Like what are they going to do, drug test all the truckers before they can buy munchies and log books?

Don’t buy Milford Truck Stop Colombian Delite coffee before you turn in your pee cup. And flush the contaminated Snickers down the toilet after you’ve sat on the john after over-peeing.

Anyway, seen on a sign at The Bucket

“Do not enter and contaminate our guests if you have the runs.”

I know I wouldn’t want my Bucket Burger going through The Andromeda Strain because some senior citizens who live at Milford Senior Living Suites forgot to bring Geritol

 

“Gil, I thought we were going through the drive-thru.”

“Uhhhhhh, I want to talk to the manager and see if he will bend the rules on these Milford Children’s Meal tokens. They’re just a day late.”

Gil goes inside and ignores the sign and heads to the bathroom.

“Out of order?????? Because they have to refill the toilet paper dispenser?????? Sheesh!!!!!!”

 

Jane Fonda Workouts continue.

“I know of no other way to work those thighs then to have somebody shadowing your ass in the infield. You know we wouldn’t want Phoebe missing out on all the fun. There you go, stretch ’em ’til they hurt so that she can see the ball hit off the bat. It’s an injustice when  Carhee’s big butt is blocking any anticipation. Down to squat position, Mr. Carhee. You can squat and still hide your jock strap in the back.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Jane Fonda’s Milford ‘Til It Hurts Video Shoot In The Girl’s Basketball Gym To Be Postponed So That Luhm Can Sandblast All The Old Chewing Gum Off The Floor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Mimi Thorp: ‘Damn. And we had already ordered 300 placemats.”

 

And my favorite women’s college basketball coach said something once that knocked me to the floor. He was trying to get his team to play at a level that wins championships and you start with effort. Basically, his point was, if you’re gunning for something, we can’t just hand everybody a participation trophy and forget it.

Now don’t get me wrong, I respect Vince Lombardi but I despise what he says about playing in a rung below, say, the Super Bowl, is for losers and it’s the losers bowl. To me, if a kid gave me EVERYTHING, I shook his or her hand after the contest. There’s no sense in putting on somebody’s shoulders undue pressure if they are giving their best. And you’d be surprised how many championships get won that way.

That said, there is nothing wrong with striving for #1. One of my favorite Bible verses says “8 of us compete for a prize but only one will get that prize. Compete as if you were going to win that prize” In other words, if you’re up against Dominique Wilkins and Michael Jordan in a Slam Dunk contest, you still have to put your best foot forward.

 

But this is absurd. In this Circus Disguised As An Exhibition, everybody’s getting free trophies and pizzas and uniforms and catcher’s mitts. Nobody ever donated a catcher’s mitt when I was playing catcher in Slo-Pitch Softball. When’s the last time Marty Moon donated a catcher’s mitt to Gil because the Milford T-Ball League was victimized by embezzlemrnt by the League Recording Secretary? Would you pass the pepperoni? Sure, could you hand me that Lead Participant-Milford Bowling League Honor. It’s underneath the anchovies. And the Mike Piazza Dodger Blue Mitt is next to the Klondike bars in the freezer.

And one of my favorite authors, Herman Wouk, wrote “The City Boy” about a New York urbanite kid who hates going to camp, especially with these jocks he’s on bad terms with when school is in session. The camp is run by Mr. Gauss who is also Herbie’s principal during school.

And one day, their camp gets waxed by a rival camp, Camp Penobscot, Herbie’s jocks only able to do so much. Well, that night, Mr. Gauss tells the kids WE WON. No matter what the scoreboard said, and it was bad, WE WERE THE WINNERS.

This was called a Gaussian victory in the book. And this simpleton exchange of ideas between Milford and Valley Modified is one great big Thorpian Victory. No, really, Milford didn’t beat Valley Modified, team. We just didn’t score enough runs.

Well said, Mayor. Here’s some parmesan cheese to sprinkle on your Best Attitude in an Ass-Whupping Award. If that’s not Thorpian Victory, I’m Nick’s assistant driver.

 

If ya Turtle Wax yore Participation Trophy from the 3rd Grade Spelling Bee after ya went down in the second round cuz ya mispelled “glue” and didn’t know that they added an “e” after ya took Modern English at Milferd High School, ya might be a redneck.

 

“Next we’re going to aerobicize to UB40’s version of ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’. This is a lot of fun especially when you work out in blue jeans modeled after adjustable crescent wrenches. But the payoff is the lumbar liberation, especially when you don’t have to worry about any rips in the crotch when playing the short-hop.

And don’t you feel the love when your coccyx is comfortable to sit in a La-Z-Boy or you’re Gonzo Aceves crouching in an unnatural position because you’re usually on the mound pitching? I realize that may be Ardis Carhee because he’s sporting Valley Modified sportswear but this Musical Chairs Intended To Comfort The Hamstrings and Spinal Column is a real hit with my aerobicizers, especially with the older ladies at Milford Women’s Christian Temperance Union and as long as Ardis and Gonzo trade uniforms on the level and keep it private in the locker room, this workout can be a rewarding experience. A lot of wrenched backs occur when Grandma Moses and Granny Clampett try to execute Long Skirt Exchange in front of the Nick’s Pizza crowd. Not the kind of image Milford WCTU wants to portray. Gonzo and Ardis should not be negotiating bartering Fruit of the Looms in the eye of the public if they want true back masssges included in this workout.”

 

“Coach Thorp, is it true that you became a jarhead because you flunked the Algebra section of the ASVAB, getting your vectors confused as part of the Air Force Entrance Requirements?”

“You kids want to work on blocking out? Remember, your butt is a secret weapon on the rebound.”

 

Let’s just pile this on, why don’t we? In fact, why don’t we spot Valley Modified 20 runs since they were generous enough to dole out pizza to anyone who cared? I remember when I officiated with this official in feeder league basketball and this one team is smoking the other and it is a 50-point deficit (kid you not) at halftime.

Well, he comes up with this brilliant idea (notice sarcasm) to call all fouls on the team that’s winning and none on the team that’s losing, unless there’s blood. And any of you who have had kids in sports know that tough as it is not to say anything to an official, if an official HUSTLES, and studies his rule book and tries to be consistent, that is all we can reasonably ask. A good official will establish at the beginning of the game what a foul is, what traveling is, etc. Get control EARLY. Do NOT try to establish what a foul is in the 4th quarter. You’re going to have a time of it when it’s a free-for-all. So if you’ve established your fouls and violations and it’s smooth sailing THEN change the tune just because the game’s a blow-out, YOU WILL HEAR IT. FROM BOTH SIDES. And he said, well, they have to learn how to handle adversity in an enemy gym. THAT’S THEIR PROBLEM. Our job is to call what we see CONSISTENTLY for 4 quarters and establish our own careers. Sheesh.

So remember, when Milford is piling up the runs and it’s 46-21 (1 + the 20 you spotted them) , call all strikes on Milford even if they’re 3 feetcout of the strike zone and balls for Valley Modified, even if they’re at the heart of the dish. Hey, Milford might have to play The 75-and Over Champion at their place. They better learn how to weather the storm now. Tough crowd at Milford Senior Living.

And it’s not enough to let the pizza and cokes flow at this event, though it’s about the worst hare-brained at something called COMPETITION, not enough to hand out trophies out of Trix boxes, no, unless there’s blood, let Valley Modified rally so that they think they’re the Yankees. Hey, the dude with pony tail and shorts could be Lou Gehrig. Oh, he’s lucky all right. Iron Horse touring with The Mamas and The Papas. We can watch that after Milford snuffs this mock rally.

 

“And we’ll be back after these messages. By that time, Phoebe will be cuffed and charged with trespassing at a later date. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a?division of Learfield Sports.”

 

“Wasn’t it nice for Jane Fonda to practice good health habits at this friendly competition? C’mon, people, it’s not all beer and pretzels. And Milford Beverage Warehouse is out to back that up.

“If you come in and purchase a 30-pack of Busch Light, The Warehouse will give you absolutely free Jane Fonda and Mimi Thorp Aerobicize Your Butt Fat To Hooked On Classics. Now that’s what I call fun. Dancing to a disco version of ‘Beethovens Fifth’ and soaking down your fifth can, by God, my butt will be something to skateboard off of. I can just see Jane relaxing with a Busch after she stretched her gluteus maximus to ‘Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies’.

And for what you would spend at the barber to remove the unwanted hair from your chest, you can get a Maker’s Mark Whiskey in 740 ml AND Jane Fonda’s How To Sweat Off The Jack You Really Shouldn’t Have Consumed. It’s nice to know that if I overindulged, I can always pop in the video and get happy feet to “Sing, Sing, Sing”. I understand Benny Goodman danced with his clarinet after he got carried away with the bottle.

And you Bud Men out there aren’t going to walk away empty-handed, not on your life. For $13.49, you can get 12 oz in the 12 can variety and still indulge in Jane Fonda’s Ways To Country-Line Dance Your Bud Breath Away. I know I’ll be on the dance floor this Friday at The Warehouse. Flexing your mandibulars and fellowshipping  with your fellow Bud compatriots, Jane sure knows how to aerobicize and enjoy The Good Life

Come on down and get your own video and start dancing to these sweet deals and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, you can’t have my Participation Trophy on the TWIM Site. Otherwise, you’re #1 with me. God bless you.

 

 

At Milford Lion’s Club meeting one night

“And the Participation Trophy in the Comic Strip Category of the Associated Press goes to Gil Thorp.”

You heard the applause

“Thank you. Golly, I don’t know what to say. I’ve never won at being mediocre before so you’ll have to let me catch my breath. Usually, I’m on the golf course so this coaching experience is totally new

The band hired for the event rips into “Layla”, ending the words of wisdom as every honoree is on a time limit, mediocre coaches included…

 

 

At the Milford Girls Gym with Eric Clapton’s “Tangled in Love” booming from a tape player

 

“Now don’t die on me, Dr. Pearl. You can work those core muscles in your biceps!!!!!!! Chop!!!!!! Chop!!!!!!!!!”

Dr..Pearl collapses and slips into a coma after attempting to extend her triceps and biceps while running in place in 3/4 time during Clapton’s silky guitar solo

Mimi is not discouraged

“Suck it in, girl!!!!!!!!! No guts, no glory!!!!!!!!!!!!”

June 2, 2020

“We’ll Meet You This Friday, 7:30PM, Here At Howard Johnson’s Inn.”

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Instead of tying loose ends, which is what Thorpiverse SHOULD be doing, we’re extracting a couple more storylines out of the grab bag, at the expense of some plots or mimi-plots that never really flew out of Milford Regional Airport. What are we going to talk about, what activities could we be humanly engaging in, now that summer is here?

The love story that never was and will likely stay that way between Phoebe and The Mayor was NOT because he drank too much Nutrament Vanilla Shakes at the tavern; nope, Thorpiverse sent Miss Grundy to rummage through his gym bag after Mr. Grundy cried foul and a kitchen utensil you use to spread Skippy on Roman Meal killed “A Little Romance.” We’ll never see him and Phoebe kiss under the Milford Canal Bridge just as the 3rd shift whistle goes off at Milford Foundry. Way to be a wet blanket, Mr. Grundy.

And what happened to Gonzo? Heck, that would have made a great Jets vs. Sharks confrontation. Us Hispanics always have to bail you out in the ninth when your pitcher gets a rubber arm. Oh, yeah? Well, if you’d quit batting with a Swiffer Mop when you’re swinging for the fences, you might up your average. Then there’s the song, sung by The Mayor naturally

Mimi

I just met a girl named Mimi

And now I know that name

Will never be the same

Again

 

And The Mayor could get whacked by the Sharks with a Hillerich & Bradsby Special and Mimi threaten both the Jets AND the Sharks after The Mayor loses his mind and the team goes on to win the Playdowns in remembrance of The Mayor who gave his Ultra Slim Fast for the team. Of course, he already DID lose his mind after slurping Ultra Slim Fast at his Communion, but we can sort it out while Gil’s at the links. Just alternate between the Mudlarks singing “We’re Gonna Get ’em Tonight” and Gil saving par. Just about wraps up the summer, doncha think?

But nooooooooo, we gotta endure a couple of wayward ideas that will probably REMAIN wayward. So as long as we’re going to drag athletes into this, I might as well throw in a couple of my own.

Richard Pryor had a hilarious take on Jim Brown, the standout running back for the Cleveland Browns in the ’60’s and respectable actor after his playing days were over. Pryor would say that Brown could be mean as snakes, which was understandable, given Brown’s competitiveness and focus. His statistics backed him up.

And Pryor continued “Man, it used to be a death wish. There ain’t no building around here in Milford to jump off of. and Gil went golfing. Let’s go over to Jim Brown’s house and fuck with him a while.”

So if Valley Alternative, as long as we’re recruiting, ever fields a football team, they can go over to Jim Brown’s house and ask politely. I’m sure he’ll oblige if they say “Please”.

Gil rings Jim Brown’s doorbell one day

Jim Brown opens the door

“Yeah, Jimmie, Big Man, hey, I don’t mean to intrude, I’m sure you’re studying game film in the den (get a hold of yourself, Thorp) , well, what I mean to say is, ol’ Buddy, ol’ Pal, you see, Dr. Pearl got caught behind on her District Board State Income Tax W-2 Report-1978 and can’t make it to the Midnight Bowling League Match tonight and seeing, well, you have such strong hands and hate to roll gutter balls as if you were getting stuffed on the 1-yard line, and we know you like the ball a lot, so we wanted to know if you’d be interested in filling out our 4-member team. We call ourselves Thorp’s Troops. Catchy, isn’t it? Whattya say?” as Gil braces for the worst.

“Sure. What time do you need me there?”

“11:35PM. We need to get the roster turned in and ready to go before First Roll at 12:01AM”

“I’ll be there.”

Gil breathes a sigh of relief

“Thanks, Jimmie. I always thought you were a terror when you were with the Steelers.”

 

 

I was intrigued when I saw on a documentary on Abraham Lincoln and the fact that he and Mary Todd Lincoln slept in separate beds. How’d they get Robert Todd, Edward, Willie, or Tad? Oh well

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. And Alexa Caught In Serious Dispute Over Future Wedding Plans!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“There ain’t no way I’m taking a double room, I don’t care how much of a discount I get at Milford Motel 6.”

 

And as long as we’re going to endow Valley Alternative with a smorgasbord, shoot, I have a whole list of athletes that would fit right in to the school.

How about Dennis Rodman? He got shipped to VA (not the Milford VA Hospital, bear in mind) because he wore his purple (orange/green/magenta////…) hair one too many times in Andy Rooney’s class. Rooney and Dr. Paper Pusher found Krylon in his desk and considered it a weapon. You could take somebody’s eye out with that thing if you’re not pointing the spray tip towards the wall or your hair.

Then there’s Magic Johnson. He wound up with his indiscriminate sex life catching up with him (Arther Ashe, BTW, chided Johnson because he felt that Johnson gave blacks a bad name because Johnson didn’t keep it in his pocket) . Perfect candidate for VA. Yeah, those adventures with Mimi while Gil was out of town non-coaching his team in a Holiday Tournament landed him right in Dr. Paper Pusher’s dog house and it was all over but the paperwork. Starting point guard for VA this coming winter, fer sure.

And the following scene, courtesy of Mr. Pryor

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oakwood, that’s going to cost you 10 yards cuz I already lost one eye and I ain’t playin’.”

In the Valley Alternaive huddle

“Roh, give me the ball.”

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Next time, I’ll be rippin’ out the other cheek from your butt.”

In the Valley Huddle on 1st and goal

“Roh, give me the ball.”

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! SQUEEEGIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

“I ripped Gil’s hair out that time, Oakwood, I don’t care how much VO5 he put on it. I’ll eat my own if I have to.”

In the huddle for the PAT

“Roh, give me the ball.”

But that’s football and we’ll let Nasty Brown and Charlie Roh work out their differences on running back duties, not to mention let you fill in the blank on the final score. Good thing Chet Ballard didn’t fuck with Jim Brown and check his background. That WOULD be like jumping off the Milford School Corporation Annex building.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Marty Moon To Appear In Milford Small Claims Court Over Dispute With Mudlark Lakes Resort!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“If I’d known that waiving the fee meant that Peaches and I had to sleep in separate bunks, I would have packed my chastity belt in my suitcase.”

 

And we can’t leave this puzzle wrapped in an enigma at The Bucket and just relive old times and wish no hard feelings and get the Hell on to Gil’s golf game, already in progress. Nope, we gotta drag this plot that won’t die into another plot that just started and won’t die but might take until the end of July for it not to die. We have to line up the court time so that it doesn’t conflict with Milford Flea Market Open Market held every 3rd Saturday in the month after the 2nd Tuesday, make sure Luhm waxed and buffered the damn court before the Clash of the Titans with the ex-Titans, sign the contracts with the officials and, by God, they better honor their contract. Games with haves and have-nots still count in the record book. I tell you one thing, Gil would make the zebras live up to their end of the bargain if he weren’t trying to dig one out of the sand trap.

“YEAH!!!!!!!!!! We got Havlicek on our side. And Henry “Hank” Finkel in the middle!!!!!!!!!! He had Carhee running wind sprints in practice at the pace of a cheetah, he was so intimidated.

If ya kiss and make up and exchange deer tags and still bet ya can drink more Stroh’s at the Milford Stop ‘n’ Sludge Bar in a friendly competition and the winner gets a free hose job in his abdomen, courtesy Milford General, ya might be a redneck.

“…and that’s the 10th batter plunked by the New Thayer pitching staff. I’ve seen Coach Thorp do a lot of non-coaching but this is ridiculous. Won’t anybody take charge????”

A few minutes later on the mound with New Thayer at bat

“Gonzo, give me the ball.”

Oops, sorry, I forgot Jim Brown is with Valley Alternative. Oh well, just pretend. Who’s gonna notice? Certainly not Gil.

And we’re rounding out the lineup in P3. Bill Laimbeer has been sent to the school because of his bad boy image and should be cleared for the starting lineup this Friday. Hank Finkel was sent to VA for being the 12th man on his high school reserve team and still making an NBA roster. Should be cleared to sit on the bench this Friday. He and Gil have a lot in common. Well, Gil doesn’t have a mustache and isn’t 7 feet tall. Finally, Johnny “Red” Kerr was sent to the school because he wore the nastiest looking gym shorts at an NBA Old-Timers All-Star Game and had the nerve to have a broadcasting career for the Bulls (gotcha, again, Robmize!!!!! Hey, it wasn’t the Cubs this time (ha ha)) . The game should go without a hitch.

 

At Milford High School Gym one Saturday morning

“Give me the ball.”

“This is a wrestling invitational, Mr. Brown.”

“Sorry. My bad.”

 

“And we’ll be back to see if Red Kerr is able to play after his jock strap came up missing and he’s forced to rummage through the lost and found hamper in the locker for a spare after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

At the Thorp household one evening

“Mommy, why is Daddy shaking the bed in the billiard room?”

“What????? How long has this been happening?”

“We were watching Archie TV Funnies when we thought it was an earthquake. Me and Jaime covered our heads like you always told us. When the sky wasn’t falling, we didn’t know what to do.”

Mimi walks toward billiard room where Gil is playing “Vehicle” by the Ides of March and using the spare mattress on the springs to pretend to have the time of his life.

“Mommy, is Daddy dirty dancing?”

“No, dear, don’t be silly. Gil, what are you doing?”

“Oh, hey, now I know what Honest Abe went through when he slept in separate beds. It must have been too much for The Railsplitter to deny what a man’s got to do to Mary Todd. He couldn’t count sheep or think about how he would do when he ran against Stephen Douglas. He had to jumo on the other bed and go to town. I heard the whole town of Springfield used to hear Mary Todd’s screams of ecstasy.  I understand that’s how he got Tad and Willie. I’m just recreating the event.”

“Mommy, did Abe Lincoln really get Tad from humping a feather bed?”

“No, Honey, of course not. Your daddy needs to learn that he doesn’t need to read history books to have some fun.”

“And Mimi, there was the time that he went to bed with that hooker. It was in the SAME BED!!!!!!!!! Some historians say it was a myth but so was George Washington chopping down the cherry tree. But George didn’t get any kids from not telling a lie. At least Lincoln had a head start with a myth when he married Mary Todd.”

“Gil, YOU can get a head start and you don’t have to go to Johnny Appleseed for this kind of stimulation. I have FedExed several cases of EREC-3500 laxatives so you can get movement in both directions. You can make your own history and we can sleep in the same bed.”

“I won’t have to use a Pinkerton to guard the house while I’m pretending to have fun with Mary Todd?”

“Mommy, do Pinkertons get erect too?”

“When my children were slightly confused about the birds and the bees, it was time to face my problem straight in the eye. With treatment programs that work, the Milford Men’s Clinic promises you will share the same bed at the Milford Marriott or they will cheerfully refund your money. And you can keep David Herbert Donald’s book on the dresser while you’re goin’ to town. Sounds like Era of Good Feeling to me. Come get down, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.

 

Thank you for your support, Gang. Still think they ought to start Red Kerr. He can’t help it if all jock straps smell like halitosis and VO5. Anyway, God bless you, Gang.

 

“Give me the ball, Coach.”

“Still gotta get it out of the water. Kaz, hand me my 9-iron.”

 

Recreating Richard Pryor, one night at Milford Lounge

“Gentlemen, I believe the coach can better express himself if you let him go.”

Gil being restrained by 12 men

“Any of you buttholes release me and I’ll cream yo’ ass later. Now just ease my ass out the door and leave Mr. Brown in peace. We might need him for the football plot.”

May 21, 2020

“No, I’m Doing Time For Stealing Keri’s Lunch Money.”

 

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Well, we have no choice

Be with girls and boys

That stirred some noise

Cuz they stole Gil’s toys

 

Well, we can’t salute Gil

He’s not around

If that don’t suit ya

Get outta town

 

School’s in for summer

School’s in forever

School’s been changed to prison

 

Okay, you whippersnappers, I love your music and always have but doncha dare touch Alice Cooper. Vintage, Baby. “Billion Dollar Babies”, “Love it to Death”, “Killer”, I’m tellin’ ya, I could go on. His Christian beliefs are a bonus and I mean the man LIVES the faith. Great musician and he is a testimony to all around, I’m in Heaven.

 

So now The Mayor gets dropped off and I’m sure he’s a little uneasy and who can blame him? Would you want YOUR mom going to the administration wing of Milford Reformatory and tell the lady at the desk she wants to get you enrolled? Oh, sure, here’s his birth certificate and his test scores from Milford Elementary. He might have to take Algebra again, he was having trouble with direct proportion. Yes, I can fax you his physical from our doctor. And he has to be passing in 4 solid subjects to be on the team? I’ll make a note of it. I’ll get a tutor for him in Modern Vocab. And call me if his grades are slipping.

 

While “Moanin'” is blasting from Charles Mingus off of “Blues and Roots” out of Dr. Pearl’s 8-track player

GODDAMIT!!!!! HIS REFORM SCHOOL RECORD IS SOMEWHERE ON THE DESK!!!! I THOUGHT IT WAS UNDER THE MILFORD PEST CONTROL INVOICE!!!!!!!!!

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Yes?”

Coach Kaz opens the door

“Uh, Dr. Pearl, could you have the Pest Control guy do some extra spraying under the map of Slovakia? I saw a hornet’s nest.”

 

And conceding that moping wasn’t getting him anywhere, who wants to go to a school that supposedly calls itself Valley Alternative when the sign up front appears to read Goshen? As in Goshen Institute for Wayward Children? Goshen Treatment Center for Problem Students? By gum, if we can’t break him of his habit of bringing Chinet Plastic Knives to school, he deserves to share the lavatory with Papa Bader.

And coming from an engineering family (grandpa worked for Chrysler and G.E.) , I love math. And math involves fallacies in certain arguments. Like “post hoc ergo propter hoc”. This literally (everything is Latin henceforth) means “after this, therefore because of this” or loosely translated “I ain’t got no goddam business at a school that can’t even label its marquee board correctly”. This argument suffers from saying that B occurs whenever A occurs, therefore A causes B.

That won’t wash because B could occur for a number of reasons having nothing to do with A. B could be caused by Z or M or omega or Dr. Pearl’s Dentu-Cream. Proper research is in order.

The Mayor getting sent to Gil’s Reformatorium is a classic case of “post hoc ergo propter hoc.” Just because a common table knife was discovered in The Mayor’s locker does not necessarily mean it belongs to The Mayor, a point I’m sure Hadley Varnish will hit home at the District Board meeting. It could have been used by Coach Shaw to rob the Milford 7-11 to get some cash and condoms. The need for some chump change and no more children from his horny wife got to be too much, evidently. But he had to stash the evidence or it would blow his cover as a cameo coach.

The Bucket could have used his locker for table knives because the dispenser had to be sterilized and stacking them next to his street clothes and his table d’hote was about as sanitary an alternative as anyone could get. They just forgot to get all the knives when Milford Sanitary Enterprises returned the machine after a thorough dousing of suds.

And really, you could extend “post hoc ergo propter hoc” to The ‘Mudlark Whiffleball’  bumper sticker on Mama Knappe’s minivan was not necessarily a direct result of Gil’s coaching.” For all we know, Gil could have been trying to golf one out of the sand trap at Milford Public Golf Course when The Mayor parked one in the stands and won MVP as a result. Making Mama proud and getting on the green to save par don’t always correlate.

 

No more baseball

No more knives

No more living

A Mudlark’s life

 

Gil is past due

Out to pasture

Gone to Hole 9

Plot’s much faster

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Gil’s Reformatorium For Discarded Plotline Characters To Construct An Extension Onto The Student Life Section!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Studies indicate a growing need for a building concentrating on meeting needs of ex-petty larceny contingent.”

 

And many of you simply fail to understand Fallacy of Division. This is totally different from Fallacy of Composition. Don’t get them confused. Fallacy of Composition states that if one’s a bum, they’re all bums.

Let’s bring it close to home. Say I throw out “Marty Moon wears a goatee and is a snake in the grass, therefore all men who wear goatees are cowardly, yellow-bellied vipers and only foot odor smell worse than their ethics. You can’t spray Dr. Scholl on Marty’s broadcasting techniques or the persona of other men who broadcast or perform white-collar duties or otherwise punch a time clock to earn a paycheck.”

This is faulty reasoning. If that were true, Magic Johnson would have been spraying liberally when he wasn’t executing the 3-on-2 against the Celtics at the LA Forum. Charles Mingus would be slithering around the studio while trying to play bass on “Better Git It In Your Soul”. Gil would be banging Mimi 24/7 in the closet when the kids were away at summer camp. Gil’s ethics, work or otherwise, may be shaky but for now just assume there’s nothing but coats and hangers in the closet. And that Gil displayed a goatee at one time just to aid and abet in this argument. You’ll just have to use your imagination.

Fallacy of Division IS JUST THE OPPOSITE. PLEASE keep that in mind so that when you’re taking the exam, you don’t miss the question and flunk the course and wind up sitting behind The Mayor in Intro to Sociology at Goshen Alternative Life Skills Academy.

Fallacy of Division says that if the whole group is one way, then the individual members are too. If that were true, Band of Gypsies, the classic by Jimi Hendrix, would have relegated him, Buddy Miles on drums, and Billy Cox on bass to nomadic status. They played music, not wandered the Mojave Desert with a caravan of Joe Tourists and Joe Gypsies.

Therefore, when Gil called The Mayor an idiot, he committed a most grievous error. Yes, Gil, I’ll concede that you’ve assembled a whole baseball team of idiots because, as Coach Stuard taught me, the coach is the tree and the players are the branches and if the coach is an idiot, well, Gil, do you expect the team to subsequently play smart and hard? Well?

STILL, with that said, if the team is composed of many garbage men, does that make The Mayor an employee for Milford Sanitary Engineering Solutions, Inc.? Well, you don’t see a garbage can lid in P2, do you? He didn’t ride to work in a garbage truck with “Milford Baseball Mom” bumper sticker on the back of the vehicle.

Therefore, assume that if The Mayor ever asks the lady at the desk where the dumpster is, he is

A) Throwing away a Twinkie wrapper and a Diet Coke can

B) Attempting to ditch this inane plot

C) Has to take a leak BEHIND the dumpster because the toilets in the boy’s room at Gil’s Reformatorium are out of order

D) All of the above

 

If ya got ta go ta reform school cuz ya could only repeat 5th grade so many times and the Milford District Board ruled ya ran past the Statute uv Limitations, ya might be a redneck.

 

 

Alice Cooper, accompanied by the Milford Elementary School 4th Grade Choir and Tonette Band

 

Now we’re stuck in class

There isn’t any teachers

And there isn’t any principal

No coach with bouncy skunk-black hairrrrr

 

School’s in for summer

School’s in forever

School will bore me to pieces

 

What? Dr. Pearl’s daughter is involved in a career in education TOO? She has that beehive right down to the yarmulke. But it looks like Dr. Pearl Junior applied some Grecian Formula for Women. Dr. Pearl evidently is allergic to it. No worries, Dr. Pearl. Polar bear hair is sexy, according to this article in National Geographic.

That said, Dr. Pearl Jr. couldn’t cut it in real estate? The career in cosmetology at Milford Beauty School fell through? The earrings weren’t chunky enough, I reckon, although they probably didn’t grade on a curve on her Show-and-Tell portion of the final exam if P2 is any indication. Because she didn’t apply enough Afro-Sheen to Mimi’s hair, Mimi looked like Billie Holiday as a Milford Cafeteria Lady, so Dr. Pearl Jr.’s kismet became the lead woman at the Information Desk at Goshen Valley School for Mudlark Retreads. I’ll bet there’s plenty of room for advancement.

 

Another fallacy is the Ad Populum Argument. This commits the fallacy of believing something because many or all of the people endorse that particular concept (“according to the people”) . This is a dangerous line of reasoning as we could be swayed to certain actions against our better judgment. Just because the Gallup Polls reported that 83% of the population read Gil Thorp and opine that he is 10 times better than Barney Google even if in the end they use the comic section to scoop up the dog poop/droppings in the hamster cage doesn’t mean we should go down to PetSmart and buy a beagle. Don’t base your decision to buy a litter box because the Milford Enquirer said that Gil was better than reading the Horoscope. An appeal to sound rhetoric is the higher road to pursue.

 

Gang, remember the Night Gallery episode “The Academy” where Pat Boone plays a slightly cold-hearted parent who is seriously considering sending his problem child to a military school run by a general, played by Leif Erickson (Larry Linville, who played Major Burns on M*A*S*H* for years, plays one of the cadets) ? The chiller is that this is no ordinary military school. Pat Boone recognizes some of the cadets who are well in their 30’s and 40’s after they got in trouble at school or with the law when they were teenagers and were eventually sentenced to this school. The fact they’re still doing drill is the overriding concern but the clincher is this statue of Erickson’s character with his arm around a boy. The general is pointing TOWARDS the school, not out towards the world with a “Go West, Young Man” flavor to it. Juvenile delinquents sent to a correctional facility are trapped when they become adults.

So when The Mayor gets dumped onto Boys Town-Goshen Valley Extension, it’s bad enough, as Teenchy mentioned, that chemical symbols are written in Aramaic somewhere across the Tigris-Euphrates but you hope to God there isn’t this statue of Gil with his arm around The Mayor out by the entrance. You pray Gil is pointing towards the Milford High School Baseball Facility, if nothing else.

And what the Hell could this kid be thinking when he asks a question like that in P3? Does he think The Mayor cruised around town with Al Capone? Sure, Al had a machine gun, The Mayor had a table knife when confronting The Sopranos.

“No, but I drove the getaway car when they held up Milford Federal Credit Union last week.”

Keep pointing towards the school, Gil. The Mayor might graduate by the time he’s eligible for Social Security.

 

Booby Howry uncovers his latest billboard

“Clarabelle the Clown uses a Poulan Weed Trimmer when manicuring his lawn. Shouldn’t you?”

 

I don’t think Booby’s latest offering will get him in trouble with Gil but definitely Booby is most definitely committing the Fallacy of Argument from Authority. Now if Clarabelle the Clown squirts his tears all over the Mudlark gym, Clarabelle the C is on Gil’s shit list but the billboard, though flawed, won’t draw Gil’s ire.

 

“And we’ll be back to see if The Mayor jumps the wall at The Academy or is forced to clean 500 rifles if he’s caught after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

“I hated to expel Mike from Milford High School. Lord knows he was like a son to me. I hadn’t been this close to someone like him since The Flapper Days.

And then there’s all the restaurants closing due to the pandemic. People just aren’t going to jump in the station wagon and overindulge at the buffet table at Milford Ponderosa.

And Milford Funeral Solutions recognizes that. They know they can’t stop death but they can help a brother in need. That’s why Milford Funeral Solutions is more than happy to announce that they are teaming up with Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen Inc. to aid a restaurant beaten and robbed on its way to Jericho. Lord knows that Milford Funeral Solutions may need Popeyes cooler section should there be an oversupply of caskets.

And to prove that death is always in demand, if your loved one dies and you hold the viewing and the service by the end of May, Popeyes will throw in a 10-Piece Mixed Chicken Special, complete with 10 Hand-Dipped Chicken Tenders and 5 Biscuits. If you can perform the cremation by the same date, Popeyes will add 2 sides. Throwing ashes in Mudlark Lake and Macaroni and Cheese, a winning combination. My husband partook of Hush Puppies when they scattered his grandfather.

Some of you encountered multiple deaths in the family. When grandmothers from both sides of the family give up their spirits at the Milford Convalescent Center, you don’t want to be malnourished after the priest reads the Last Rites. That’s why a White Meat to Celebrate Life Special is such a welcome relief. And Popeyes will spice up the festivities with Buffalo Wings if they donated their bodies to science. You can be assured that while you’re devouring your White Breast Meat and Cole Slaw that your loved one donated his or her kidney or heart so that that person’s own Celebration of Life gets postponed until their Meaning of Life is fulfilled.

Can’t afford funeral expenses? Not a problem. Milford Funeral Solutions and Popeyes will hold a raffle for 10 lucky contestants. The winner of the drawing will hear “Shall We Gather at the River” for the dearly departed while enjoying a 4-Pack Chicken Sandwich and Potato Fries Combo. We ask that you don’t slurp your Orange Crush during the proceedings out of respect for the dead.

Come to Milford Funeral Solutions and experience Christian charity at its finest. As Paul said in 1st Corinthians, there’s 3 things we need to abide by, Faith, Hope, and Charity. But the greatest of them all is a Popeyes Bucket Fill-Up. Heaven will never be the same.”

 

Gang, you mean the world to me. God bless you all.

 

At the District Board hearing, a concerned parent comes to the podium to voice his concerns

“…and furthermore, anybody who dips her beehive in a tub of Grecian Formula-Phosphate Free and Prell and Quaker State is not fit to be an administrator of Milford High School…”

Hey, best case of committing the Ad Hominem (“To the man”) Fallacy I’ve seen so far. He’ll probably have to restructure his argument should there be an appeal.

 

School’s in for the summer

School’s in forever

School’s IN, OH MY GOODNESS

 

“…where the students don’t matriculate but rather, are marooned. We call this painting ‘Milford High School’. And this is…The Night Gallery.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 25, 2020

In Which Chris Schuring Indicates How Much We Still Care About This Plot

gt03252020

That, or he’s just finished watching a Get Smart marathon.

I’ll admit I’m not much of a TV watcher anymore. Outside of baseball season, it’s mostly nature shows on BBC America or an oldie on Turner Classic Movies for me.  So I’ve gotta hand it to astute TWIMer franku2016 who noted in yesterday’s comments:

This entire plot was on a Modern Family episode a few years ago with a GPA tie between Alex and her academic rival Sanje, and yes, they started dating, much to the dismay of Sanje’s old-world parents.

Despite being on the air for over a decade, Modern Family has flown completely under my radar, so I had to look it up. For those of you who were as clueless about it as me, this show features Ed O’Neill (better known to some of us as would-be patriarch Al Bundy in the 1990s sitcom Married with Children) as would-be patriarch Jay Pritchett. Part of Pritchett’s extended family includes son-in-law Phil Dunphy. A real estate agent, Phil often finds himself losing business to his arch-rival… Gil Thorpe.

Gentle readers, this cannot be mere coincidence, can it? All I know is I’m gonna start checking Modern Family plot summaries for comparison from now on.

+++

Now that that another installment of “teenchy Is Old and Out of Touch” is out of the way, let’s focus on what’s happening here. It looks like basketball season will be coming to a blessed end this weekend. Chris seems to think the school year will be, too, or at least the spring will do nothing to change the current academic rankings. Alexa’s dislike for him still holds true regardless of the sensitivity of his sarcasm detector. Chris’ altruism comes off to her as condescension if not something even less benign. I don’t think these two are becoming a couple anytime soon, but if this part of the plot continues into the next arc (think True/Boo from a few years back) it’s not out of the realm of possibility.

 

 

 

 

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