This Week in Milford

April 4, 2015

Won’t Somebody Think of the Children?

April 4, 2015

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So who are these two twentysomethings jogging off into the sunset? Putting the burden of this stinker of a basketball season behind them has taken years off the Thorps’ appearance. Maybe Mimi’s spent the season getting plastic surgery spa treatments with the money Mudlark boosters have been slipping Gil after winning the state football title. (Given she was only seen coaching once – and that during practice – she’s certainly had the time on her hands.)

Quick cut to the MILFORD RECREATION CENTER (nice Chartpak lettering on the facade there) and we’re left with an unprecedented WTF plot resolution. In Gil’s own words:

“Bobby manipulated Max Bacon as an experiment, and then to impress a girl. He hurt Max – and he hurt the team.”

This is the kind of kid you let coach children at a rec center? Rubin, you are so dumb, you are really dumb, for real.

What kind of legend will these kids be a part of? I’ll leave it to the words of another Gil:

November 8, 2007

Beating up children eases our pain of losing…

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, Milford Weirdos — jasbeattie @ 9:17 am

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Hooray! That game is over! (Though we won’t know what the final score was until those Valley Tech pranksters sneak up and shave it into the back of Coach Shaw’s head.) And so we can move along to whatever the hell is going on in the first panel today. I’m going to go out on a limb and theorize that Gil is showing his assistants how to properly punch elementary school students through the bus window without injuring their own fists. Too bad Coach Shaw is too high to pay any attention. He’s just glad he was invited to something.

We jump back to Cullystein and the Bad News Taurus Gang as they go food shopping at the local floor tile store. (Which makes sense when you see what they eat at the cafeteria.) Glad to see that Greaser Mitch is as tough as Kaz, as he also wears earrings in both ears. He’s also tough enough to be a fictional character with the voice of Lee Majors! And now some boring guy say he stole an iPod? But Mitch says he didn’t? Sound like we have an exciting new case for Coach Kaz, P.I.! Next, it’ll be time for him to start punching the hell out of interrogating the elementary school kids. (You may think the culprit is the rough criminal dude, but it turns out the drummer actually did it. He needed an iPod for his van.)

November 23, 2019

“And Now We Pause for Station Indentification. This Is the Milford Mudlark Radio Network.”

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“I would never do something so unprofessional… Oh? Okay, so maybe I did something so unprofessional, but somebody had to think of the children!”  It’s all I can do to keep myself from making a political reference in today’s post. Chet’s denial of wrongdoing immediately followed with an admission of wrongdoing and an attempt to make it about something other than his own self-interest would serve him well in an executive branch position.

Speaking of the executive branch, looks like Marjie’s on the horn to LBJ who may or may not be giving her his pants order. Can’t be Chance Macy’s grandpa, can it? He had more pronounced male pattern baldness last time we saw him. But who else would be saying Chance would be “prepared” for whatever come next? And who’s this “us” Marjie’s referring to? Did she give Superintendent Whatshisname and Captain Man Bun a day to look into this? Just how is Chance getting “prepared”? Does it involve a whetstone?

Now let’s wrap this thing up before Christmas and move on to hoops. Milford’s lost two in the conference so playdowns are out of the picture; we’ve got enough time for a face-saving victory over Valley Tech as Chet Ballard slinks off the school board, out of his marriage, and under the desk at his office. Maybe we can revisit him a couple of years from now, after he’s sent to jail for insurance fraud. The way he sings, he’ll make a great canary.

July 7, 2008

When plot is past expiration date, please dispose of it immediately.

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, exposition comics, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots — jasbeattie @ 9:23 am

7/5/08

Up-nostril shot: Totally unnecessary.

Attempted first panel joke: Totally unfunny.

Window into just how goddamn stupid Elmer is: Totally sad.

The fact that this dreary plot is wrapping up…?: Totally worth it.

There’s no way this can keep going, right? Right?

7/7/08

Auggggh! Still? The drinking of wee soda and discussion of Mexican directions that make absolutely no sense do nothing to placate me. This was supposed to be over by now!!

In the nearly two  years I’ve been writing this blog, I think this is the least-satisfying plot arc yet. Starting from August 2006, we had:

  • Thorp daughter and her Indian friend participate in gymnastics meets against a little bitchy girl: Lame, but at least not too time consuming.
  • Ben Franklin hustles Marty Moon at golf. Marty drinks heavily in his parked car: Awesome.
  • Stormy Hicks whines through football season, but then a car explodes and Bill Ritter chops his leg off: Violence worth initial whininess.
  • Tyler Hicks wants to be the starting point guard so he clubs himself in the head: WTF?-Awesome goodness.
  • Old weirdo named Clambake coaches baseball team, tells boring stories that apparently fascinate teenagers, then turns out to be a lying fraud. Also softball team shaves head because their coach doesn’t have cancer: Now we’re rolling!
  • Kaz punches his way into becoming a private investigator for a washed-up singer. (Turns out Ben Franklin did it.) Also…Bill the one-legged boxer: The standard-bearer of plotlines. Can Neal ever top this?
  • Cully the killer football player makes bad friends, then Coach Thorp asks him to kill Marty Moon. Also, losers from another school play some pranks. (I’m still waiting for that part to be resolved…): Well anything after last summer is bound to be a bit of a let-down.
  • Andrew Gregory goes through like 14 personality changes and for some reason Marty Moon pretends to be his dad while Mr. Gregory is out on jungle patrol: Back to good ol’ WTF!

Then…Several months of this crap. Why did I just recap a bunch of old stories? 1.) Because I have literally nothing left to say about El-Mullet and 2.) To remind all of us (including Neal), how spectacularly ridiculous this comic can be! So let’s just call Mulligan on the spring/half-of summer 2008 and start fresh tomorrow. Please??? For the children? Won’t someone please think of the children?

November 19, 2019

I heard Marjie Rapping, Rapping At My Door.

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Uh oh.

Whenever Marty casts that evil eye and leaves the Milford Recreational Sports 60th Annual Darts Tournament, you know something’s cooking between those ears of his. You just don’t execute a couple of bulls-eyes while you observe your overmatched opponent possess the aim of a welder when he has his gloves still on while still trying to solder the Anchor Pub sign back into place. The results are all over the dart board, literally, in back of Marty while he soaks in the Bud and the gossip. Sorta like walking and chewing gum at this point, when you think about it.

“Okay, Marty, you’re up.”

“I’ll skip this round. I have a great chance of winning the Masters 60 & Over Tournament later on anyway. Whose my opponent? Roy Gillen? In the bag. Anyway, Chet, so you say he mooned his kindergarten teacher and got due-processed? Before or after the teachers threw an Oreo in his chest at naptime?”

 

Once upon a plotline dreary, our interest weak and weary

I heard a tapping, tapping at my door

Coach Luhm came in to buffer like no tomorrow

We had no aegis with which to borrow

The buffer and the soap (opera) both caused great sorrow

But you could store one back in the closet

The other remained with us

Evermore

 

If ya gotta pursue the rent-a-trap route from Milford U-Haul after the crow done disturbed yore beauty sleep where yuz fantasizin’ about bein’ arm-and-arm with the 400-pound beauty queen in yore department on third shift at work and it takes forever ta set up the trap cuz the UPS driver forgot ta send the instruction manual, ya might be a redneck.

 

Unfortunately, our TWIMers may prove correct, i.e., Marty may rat out Chet rather than use the artillery Chet provides. I liked Teenchy’s omerta comparision because Marty may not only not recycle Chet’s lowdown on Chance’s truancy from Song Flute class but may use info like that to stultify Chet.

“So what if Chance couldn’t toot “On the Banks of the Wabash?. Hell, I had trouble accompanying the soloist on “MacArthur Park.” Did you ever try to keep up with Richard Harris on a song flute?”

 

Heard blasting on Gil’s speakers out of his Chevy Nova one day while he applies Turtle Wax Lime to the hood, the vocorder proudly proclaiming the message from Parsons’ “Tales of Mystery and Imagination”

While I was vacuuming

And emptying ash trays

I heard a knocking at my door

 

It wasn’t a Witness

No Girl Scout selling

Her fudgies evermore

 

In my amazement

She stood there intending

My assistance to implore

 

A School Board member

Must be dismembered

So we won’t hear

Forevermore

 

Thus quoth Gilberto

Nevermore

Thus quoth Gilberto

Nevermore

 

Nevermore Nevermore Nevermore

Never

Nevermore Nevermore Nevermore

Never

Nevermore Nevermore Nevermore

Never

 

NEVERMORE

 

Thank you to the Milford Chorale Society for the accompaniment to Ian Bairnson, Stuart Tosh, London Symphony Orchestra, etc.

Oh, and kudos to Milford Pawn ‘n’ Carry for the vocorder

 

I mean, Chet better watch his backside here. Which, if everything goes according to script, is really the idea. Chet’s about to get hoisted by his own petard because any time you unload confidential information to Loony Moony, well, you Hooligans know what the OTHER Loony Moony did with those cars. Wound up in Davy Jones Locker at some podunk Holiday Inn, last I recall. Chet, YOU might find yourself in the bottom of the swimming pool at the Oakwood Holiday Inn alomg with Chance’s parole records for the month of February if you continue this conversation at The Pub That Serves Anchors and Onion Rings and Darts That Are Really Dr. Pearl’s Knitting Needles.

Oh, pay no mind to Marty’s leer. He gets that way when he’s welcoming new members of the Wide Path of Destruction. Those Boys Town records of Chance you got FedExed from Father Flanagan ought to be secure at the safe deposit box at the Post Office while you’re attending Marty’s Day of Reckoning.

 

Because I’m really unsure why there’s a tanning clinic under the same roof as a laundromat like I saw recently

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Sent To Minor Emergency Clinic After Overexposure To UV Rays From Heat Lamp At Milford 24-Hour Coin Laundry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The damn rinse cycle took FOREVER to complete. I had to insert an extra quarter or two just to kick-start it.”

 

And the silken and uncertain rustling of this plot

Killed me-filled me with needless terrors and ennui I have felt in baseball and golf before

So that now, to the stagnation of everyone concerned, I stood repeating

‘Tis some muckraker entreating entrance at my chamber door

Some Grantland Rice-wannabe entreating entrance at my chamber door

That it is and nothing more

 

We will return to this Masterpiece Theater Father Brown Mystery in a moment but first let me explore the meaning of the phrase “to chat up”.

Now I can understand Chet and Marty CHATTING at the Anchor Pub in the family room because ya gotta leave your attitude and your gossip at the entrance leading into the bar. No discussion of Chance’s molestation of Milford Head Start children accusations when he was in charge of leading recess (“Okay, kiddies, grab your private parts and go ‘I think I can, I think I can…”) or when he sent Grandma Macy to Milford General Hospital because she served the wrong Hamburger Helper (“I wanted PORK and pasta!!!!!!!!!!”) .

And I can understand General Lee and General Grant CHATTING at Appomattox when discussing terms of surrender (“Sure, everybody can keep their pistols. Just gotta drop your Winchesters in the bin. So how’s your boy doing? Did you have to hold him back another year?”) .

And I can understand Batman and Robin CHATTING before they break into that deserted warehouse that hasn’t been used since the old ladies moved to Lowell, Massachusetts to comtinue their 18-hour shift of looming and weaving to arrest The Joker (“You’re flunking Phys Ed, Robin?”) .

BUT HOW THE HELL DO YOU CHAT UP?

A better question is

WHO CHATS UP???????????????

 

When Franklin Delano Roosevelt sponsored his Fireside Chats, he never, ever CHATTED UP the Tennessee Valley Authority project. Didn’t CHAT UP the WPA. Hitler was never CHATTED UP like it was North Carolina CHATTING UP Duke or vice versa (FUCK HOLLAND) . I mean, if I want to CHAT UP my Muriel cigar, I’ll go get my Zippo, thank you very much.

Anybody want the rest of these Bucket Buffalo Wings, BTW? Otherwise, I’m going to CHAT THEM UP.

Marjie is CHATTING UP the door in P2. And looks like she got an answer. Those Avon techniques work every time.

 

Open here I flung through Marjie’s peruke, when,

After many a spit and sputter

In stepped Margaret Nutchall’s mom after

Giving Dennis the Menace a/ka Chet

A tongue-lashing

But, with mien or otherwise uninvited, perched at my chamber door

Settled on a bust of Gil when he just used Tegrin Medicated Shampoo on his hair

She settled and the plot did nothing more

 

“…still paying extra for your lodging accommodations? Well, at Milford Motel Econo-Stay, you get a nice quiet room for $27 less than Milford Courtyard by Marriott. When Mimi’s aunt stayed a couple of days while traveling the country, why did she need to pay an extra 27 simoleons for a Gideon’s Bible? She brought her own, there was none in the drawer…”

 

P3-“We had made passionate love at the Milford Motel Econo-Stay…”

Well, what else could it be at this point as people have been doing more investigating than Smiley’s People? I have always liked reading John Le Carre, his deliberate style to FINALLY nail a Doctor No or some Soviet flunky who has engineered a plan to take over West Berlin by slipping past Checkpoint Charlie with the conspiracy hidden in Gil’s hair but do we really honestly have to read about this in Mudlarkland? Before it’s all said and done, Chance will be executed by a firing squad for treason right before kickoff to Valley Tech.

And who’s Ms. Forsman? Is she related to The Joker, given her choice of slacks which runs in synchronization with that villain’s wardrobe? Is THIS the reason why we gotta keep it real in P3 because Chance was seen in the Jokermobile aiding and abetting in the cause when The Joker and his gang set out to rob The Bucket? Well, The Joker doesn’t wear chunky earrings. And Chance may still have to answer for his possible Boys Town record but we don’t think Father Flanagan taught him to be a Commie rat. There’s hope.

Now we have it reduced to “Editor, Reporter, Sailor, Spy” Ducey and her tea time and scones with Mrs. Joker. I can’t wait for this Le Carre novel to be released next month. Oughta be exciting. Definitely more than this plot anyway.

 

Because I’m intrgued when kids sing around the campfire while dad has finally conquered his ED problems as I saw in an ad

 

“…take one down, pass it around, 97 bottles of beer on the wall-”

“Honnnneeeyyyyyyy, I’m glad you brought the kids along for our Milford Marraige Enrichment Seminar but we slid the credit card for the that cabin here at Mudlark Lake for a reasonnnnnnnnn. And I’m hornnyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.”

“Just when we’re getting to the best part? Heck, Mrs. Shaw, I still haven’t opened that other bag of Milford Kwik-ee Mart Munchy Marshmallows? Okay, kiddies, who needs a stick? I can always rip a branch off that sugar maple over yonder.”

“Darling, that’s what the baby-sitter is for. Now put that Beanie-Weenie down and let’s do our own roasting in that nice comfy feather bed, the one that comes with a Gideon’s Bible.”

“Okay, who knows the words to Camptown Races?

Camptown Races sing this song

Doo Dah

Doo Dah

Find Chance’s bio and don’t be long

Oh Doo Dah Day-”

“This Camptown Race is taking way too long. You can always air guitar at the Enrichment Seminar Jamboree.”

“Just when I was doing my best Joe Walsh? Okay, boys and girls, repeat after me

I HAVE ACCOUNTANTS PAY FOR IT ALL

THEY SAY I’M CRAZY BUT IT TAKES ALL MY TIME

“Honey, is your wim wim as lame as that Oscar Meyer Wiener you’re roasting?”

Coach Shaw, getting desperate

“Oh I wish were as hard as this Oscar Meyer Wienerrrrrrrrr

Then my wife would truly be in love with me”

 

The kids understandably befuddled.

“Those aren’t the words.”

 

“When the hot dogs were firing up faster than my Significant Other, it was time to ‘fess up and head to Milford Men’s Clinic. You don’t need a pin oak branch to roast this bad boy and with proven treatment plans that work, isn’t it time you sang “Happy Days Are Here Again” at your next wienie roast? And they left the light on when me and Mrs. Shaw entered the cabin for our own Marshmallow Enrichment Seminar. Come get your own silver maple branch and start roasting the Vienna sausages only at The Clinic. You’ll be glad you did.”

Thanks again for your patience, Gang. I owe you one.

 

As I pondered, pondered the question

Whether my beloved Lenore would outlast this plot

The Raven, fresh from flatulating from a Burger at The Bucket

Reflected upon my inquisitive nature

Insensitive and inured to my desperate plight and the buffoonery therewith

And uttered

“Nevermore”

 

I’M BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN

 

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Get to The Clinic. You’ll have 15 minutes before it closes.”

Gil puts “Rocks” back in the saddle, er, album sleeve

October 24, 2019

Bluto Applies Gillette Foam When He Shaves With The Bottom Of The Cartoon Panel, Shouldn’t You?

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Marjie Ducey, Milford Idiots, Pissy faced Chet Ballard — tdrewhardin @ 3:24 am

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Aaaaaaa, there ain’t nuthin’ good on the Vulcan Channel, Milford Enquirer TV section says The Partridge Family is on A & E-hey, wait a minute, is that a basketball? And is that Mike Patrick and Dickie V? And it’s Thursday Night Showcase!!!! Boy, am I in luck.

“…they’re rockin’ and rollin’ here on the S.S. Enterprise!!!!!!!!!! Jatarvious Spock and Dr. McCoy, the best 1-2 combo in the universe, babyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!! The fleet is a Rolls-Royce program…”

Some things never change.

 

Let me get in my serious mode for a second. If Marjie can have one, so can I

The sad truth is, this shameful and disgraceful display of conduct performed by Chet Ballard hits too close to home. Anybody who has had kids in sports knows that people like this exist.

The one thing I have had the good fortune to encounter is all the City, Regional, and State Championships I have been a part of. I say that with all humility.

But the FIRST AND FOREMOST priority when dealing with kids in sports is KEEP ‘EM OFF THE STREETS. And that means many times swallowing your ego and realizing that even if the team is in last place, if your kid is enjoying him- or herself and giving his or her best, that is all you can ask for. Anybody who played for me knew to lay it all on the line, regardless of the score. Don’t half-ass things. I used to always say that you won’t regret it in 10 years. They understood.

So when you do win the hardware, it is sweetness, baby. Nothing wrong with braggin’ rights if you’ve done things the right way. You never want to be a bad example for kids.

So when I see idiots like Chet, I just cringe. Unfortunately, people like this Cretin exist and give kids’ sports a bad name. You know the type. It will sacrifice ethics and common sense just to promote its own selfish end. The Chets out there are like Esau in the Bible, they will sacrifice their good name all for a bowl of stew.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m like our high school cross country coach, winning isn’t everything, but losing sucks. But if I have to cross over a line just to get a kid’s trophy like Chet is doing, well, as Rick Nelson once sang, I’d rather drive a truck.

The good news is, what goes ’round, comes ’round’. I’ve seen the Chets get hoisted by their own petard. This one, sadly enough, will possibly be no exception.

 

That out of the way, Gang, aren’t you tired of the combo Flexart-by-Thorpiverse/Henri Matisse Still Life Rough Draft techniques method that is post-Berrill art class? The other day, Mrs. Ballard was a bitchin’ thang that do any ZZ Top video, particularly with Chet in “Sharp Head Man”

“…Crude beard

Cheap slacks

Man, his ethics give me a heart attack

 

Green ties

Steinway teeth

His ambitions on a Christmas wreath

 

She’s gonna go runnin’ just as fast as she can

Doris Day is married to the Sharp Head Man”

 

Ah, Eliminator always comes through when gouging crummy plots.

Anyhoo, today she is Dr. Spock’s oldest daughter with a waistline only a former cheerleader for the Mudlarks back in ’58 when Gil had hair (oops, he still has that Wailing Wall 6 decades later) could be proud of. The only thing missing is the Vulcan ears but I’m sure she’ll put them back on when dinner is ready. But then she STILL has that figure that only shows up at the Bingo Auction at Milford Senior Citizen Residential Center on Wednesday night. That’s right, Mrs. Ballard, don’t get mad, get Glad. And throw away Chet’s moral code if you have a spare.

 

Because I would never take up an offer of $20,000 to go through McKamey Manor, reported to be the scariest haunted house in the world (no, I am not signing 40 pages of documents-“I will not hold the company liable if I see Mimi sawed in two”- nor am I going to contrive a code word should Chet’s ethics be uglier than a werewolf when its son dropped the winning TD pass for the Mudlarks-“Gimme a barf bag!!!!!!!!! Gil’s coaching again!!!!!!!!!” “That’s the ticket. Show’s over. Refund the guy’s money and let him through the back gate.”)

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Shouts Out Safe Word After Touring The Kitchen Area Of The Bucket!!!!!!!!!!! Loses Free Supply Of Bucket Tuna Burgers For Life!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“‘I had to shout out ‘Barnabas Collins eats worms and Gil’s hair’ after seeing what they did with Bucket Squid Salad.'”

 

We now return to P1, Big Thursday, already in progress

“…look how Zulu sets up ball-you-man when the Klingon attempts to establish position on the low post FREEZE IT!!!!!!!!!!! The Klingon is taken out of position and has to resort to baseline fadeaways, something Captain Kirk diagrammed when defending against Khan’s team…”

And where does Chet find the time to sell insurance since he’s been digging into the dirt? That recliner chair he purchased from Stonehenge had to have been semi-expensive. Will he make the final payment by the time Charlie graduates. Pre-pay your loans, Chet, when you’re not imitating Geraldo.

And I still can’t get over that dude with the capuchin anchoring ESPN College Basketball. Is John Saunders the color man for Marty Moon at WDIG when Ernie the P has to study for his SAT’s? As long as we’re going to watch ESPN Super Tuesday feed into The Vulcan Network with Larry Conley and Roger Twibell commenting on the Arkansas/Missouri matchup, am I required to watch The Wrath of Kahn while a Mizzou goes up for a slam in Fayetteville?

“…and what a finish to an excellent back-door cut and the Razorback crowd is getting really antsy!!!!!!!!!!”

“Ohhhhhhhh, SLAM JAM BAM!!!!!!!!!!! Kahn is a real Diaper Dandy!!!!!!! I put him on my All-Bestie team!!!!!!!!! He’s a real space-eater, literally, in the court!!!!!!!!!! Ohhhhhhhhh, better get a T.O., Captain Kirk, I’m smellin’ a run!!!!!!!!!!!!”

You sort it out.

Then there’s those candles on the TV stand. They could only be of use when the power goes out and you still need to watch Big Monday, which is fed off of an auxiliary fuse box in the Bat Cave. I’ll admit it adds to the decor in the interim. It diminishes the scraggliness of the beard of a one Chet Ballard.

 

If ya shave with a sharpened butter knife that ya use ta open yore mail and then trim yore sideburns with the hedge clippers that ya use ta pare yore branches off the tree emanatin’ from yore neighbor’s yard, then use pine tar for after-shave, ya might be a redneck.

 

And anybody falling for Chet’s half-assed response in P2 has only his- or herself to blame if Chet warms the bed for Papa Bader. Which, BTW, works out well since I understand The Mean Machine needs an asshole defensive lineman to take Ted Cassidy’s place (Lurch to the common man) since the latter got paroled. Oh, I can see this one

“…and Chance Macy finds a hole, he’s at the 40, the 30, the 20, OMG!!!!!!!!!! Chet clotheslines him and sends Macy to La La Land!!!!!!!!!!!!”

At the sideline

I BROKE HIS F—IN NECK!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can watch the rest of the movie and see what happens.

The point is, this lukewarm response in P2 just to get his honey off his back can only be leaving a gap wider than the Milford & Oakwood Express to ride through. Anybody who believes differently, all I can say is that I have property full of Milford Beverage Warehouse shopping carts behind the Milford City Assessor’s Office to sell ya cheap.

 

On the sideline, Gil in obvious shock

“Kaz, I think he broke his F—IN neck.”

 

“…and the Broyhill said to the Ethan Allen, ‘What do I look like, two sorry-ass slabs of limestone that folds into a cot when you’re done reclining after Wednesday Night Hoops between Carolina and Duke and you drift off to sleep?”

“Gil, I’m going to break YOUR F—IN neck if you don’t come to bed.”

 

“…and Scotty has just done a phenomenal job with this program. The S.S. Enterprise has just taken the Klingons out of what they want to do. He’s a candidate for a  head coaching job somewhere, I understand Purdue and Louisville have been talking…”

 

Then Marjie comes out of nowhere, might as well be The Vulcan Network, to talk with Gil. And after Gil exhanges funnys with Marjie, we assume we’re going to get down to the nitty-gritty of how she slipped to Gil’s office without a hall pass.

And what else could it be but very likely to do with Chet’s shenanigans? What ELSE has been going on this season? And I’m curious where Marjie would be getting her information if that indeed is the case. Was she imitating Plastic Man and seeping into the water cooler and observing Chet’s lack of ethics while he was Xeroxing Chance’s transcript from his third grade academic record? I’m sure punching the music teacher’s lights out because she was criticizing Chance’s rendition of “Trouble” from The Music Man (“NOOO!!!!!!! It’s not ‘…and rhymes with ‘Z’ and that spells TROUBLE…'”) but no way am I getting doused with Perrier just to get the smackdown on somebody. But I’m getting the sneakin’ suspicion that’s where we’re headed (“Gil, I think Chance broke The Music Man’s F—IN neck!!!!!!!!!”) . Hoo boy.

Who won the ball game, BTW? Enterprise in OT? Not surprised. Khan lost a lot to graduation.

 

“And Charlie Roh has done admirably, given the overbearing nature of his step-father. I wouldn’t call him ‘Dad’ either. Just names I can’t say on the air. I’ve already been suspended once. We’ll be back after these messages, with the score, Milford, 34, Generic Team of the Week, zip. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

 

“Can you believe that The Bucket is trying to be a haunted house? It’s bad enough that the absentee owner won’t give up after the Milford Beverage Commission voted down his request for a liquor license again. What do they hope to accomplish by turning it into The Munsters’ residence?

“Hi, this Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse. All I can say is that if you have to have spider webs by the Hamilton Beach Smoothie Blender, something that was ALREADY there before they started decorating, it’s because they are despearte and are lapping up to the best deals this half of the comic page.

Check out these deals. A 24-pack of Drewery’s Smooth, a scary bargain at 18.99 and we’ll even throw in a bag of Milford Confectionary Pepper Corns if you bring the family. Hey, the family that shops for booze together,. stays together, the way I look at it. Yeah, let The Bucket try to match that one. I understand they got Charlie Brown’s rocks when they went to the Beverage Commision meeting even trying to turn it into The Amityville Horror. No pigs are going to fly out of the Bucket Popcorn machine and scare anybody, c’mon.

And Smirnoff Money and Cigarettes 30 Ounce Premium Vodka, A Russian way to salute Eric Clapton? Oh, Let It Rain for only $15.49. And if The Bucket says they can sneak that to customers when Frankenstein is scaring away the Commission’s children, don’t believe them. Everybody knows Kanamits are good actors. The Bucket couldn’t sell the stuff at that price when the Kanamits tried to imitate Count Dracula.

Then we still have our usual BOGO specials, guaranteed even to please even the most discriminating Blatz connoisseur. That’s right, buy one Falls City Dark ‘n’ Dirty 12-pack at regular price, get the second one FREE. Shoot, you know where I’m going after I leave the studio here and it isn’t down to the Poltergeist Fun House-wannabe that The Bucket is attempting to promote. I’ll pass on the BOGO Ticket Special to see the Wicked Witch of the West in person. She overdosed her hair on VO5 anyway.

Come on down and see a REAL business and get a slice of The Good Life while you’re at it. If you’re into The Mothman Prophecy and believe he’ll be signing autographs and footin’ the tab on Bucket Burgers after he scared the shit out of people, well, good luck. I understand the Bud truck is still in the parking lot and the reason why it’s there is to get a Bucket Banana Split. The Commission won’t go any further.

Come get your own Milk and Honey where the Commission has OK’d the pipeline and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

All right, Gang, have at it. And if you still want that Brooklyn Bridge, it’s still for sale.

 

AHHHHHHHHH IT’S GOT ME!!!!!!!!! I KNOW THE SAFE WORD!!!!!!!!! JERRY PULVER KILLED THE RADIO STAR!!!!!!!!!-“Marty Moon, what are you doing at The Bucket Amityville Horror?”

“What does it look like? I’m ordering from the menu. Haven’t had a bite all day. Waiter, can you do a Bucket Burger medium-rare…”

 

Speaking of Marty Moon

Middle of 2nd quarter

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, I THINK HE BROKE HIS F—IN NECK

 

Later, in the Station Manager’s office at WDIG

“I swear, the word was blanked out. you could only see the ‘F’.”

 

October 3, 2019

The Bully That Won’t Stay Dead.

Filed under: actual action, football, Just Plain Awesome, Tilden — tdrewhardin @ 7:41 am

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Hey, Oh boy, we’re getting into the Friday the 13th version of the plot where Jason Voorhees apparently didn’t learn his lesson and comes out of perdition, Hades, the cemetery, etc., to terrorize the Milford Mudlarks for, oh, another 15 sequels, give or take a throat-slashing of Coach Shaw or Gil’s hair being set ablaze with Match-Lite Fluid and rubbing some sticks (gotta make the terror and torture SLOW, y’know. We oughta know, we’ve been tortured observing that Everly Brothers coif for 60 years) . Doncha just love it when Freddy Krueger kicks the running back in the crotch, the Bruiser from Milford retaliates with a machete to chop off Freddy’s head, the head gets carried off the field on a stretcher, we readers thinking we’ll have FOOTBALL the rest of the game AND the season in general but, nope, Freddy returns in the 4th quarter to stop the game-winning field goal by using an ax to the kicker’s leg?

And where is Gil in all this slash-and-burning? I’ve never been one for terror movies but I know if you want SOMEONE to play the stooge who tries to in vain prevent Jason from running rampant with the knives, that stooge has to be IN THE MOVIE. It’s like Jason given free rein to hacksaw people with no restraints, no resistance. But that’s what’s happening here.

“Gil, you know #53 went after Chance’s nuts?”

“I’m sorry, I just got back from vacation. We’ll talk tomorrow. Those post cards from Cancun are priceless. And wait’ll you see the Mayan ruins. I didn’t know they had microwaves in their civilization.”

Freddy Krueger chopping up the town of Milford with no police to stop him, for 21 sequels? Only in Thorpiverse.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Withstands Onslaught By Freddy Krueger, Uses Bucket Burgers To Satisfy Taste For Gore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I thought it was my landlord at first, but damn, I’m paid on my condo the next 3 months.”

Friday the 13th 17: The Year Jason Arises From The Mausoleum And Actually Starts Coaching!!!!!!!!!”

Girls, I’d be clinging to my boyfriend on this one.

And if it’s not bad enough that this idiot didn’t learn his lesson after being knocked for a loop, Tattoo throws the flag into P1 to signal his disapproval. Oh, I can imagine this Fantasy Island episode

“Mr. Roarke, Chance Macy has just arrived.”

“Very good, Tattoo. Show him to his quarters. I’m sure he will find his stay here most auspicious.”

“Do you still want to use that goal post we smuggled in Milford?”

“Yes, of course. And be careful that our guests do not carelessly look in on the replica of the Mudlark girls gym.”

“Oh, that shouldn’t be a problem, Mr. Roarke. Nobody went to the girls gym anyway. Nobody complained about any action while it was on the island.”

“Very well. Show Chance to the football field. We should have a REAL coach ready to lead him to the path of achievement, an accomplishment that should prove most noteworthy for Mr. Macy.”

“And if Freddy Krueger comes along and chops off Chance’s scalp in the end zone after he scores the game-winning TD, I promise to throw the flag way into Herb Woodley’s house for a late hit.”

“You are most hospitable to our guests, Tattoo.”

 

One day in the Bumstead household

DING DONG

“Dagwood!!!!!!!!!!! Someone’s at the front door!!!!!!!”

Dagwood, arising from his slumber from the couch he bought at Gil’s yard sale last year, heads to the door

“Herb!!!! What can I do for you?”

“Dagwood, is this YOURS?”

 

If ya git fined $500 by the Fish and Wildlife Offi-shul cuz ya sprayed too much buckshot into the 8-point cuz it wuz still kickin’ nd ya had ta violate the rules by shootin’ a couple of arrows when the prey was in someone’s back yard, the deer dyin’ gittin’ doused by the water sprinkler, but ya still ate the critter that night, shotgun shells and all, ya might be a redneck.

 

Now playing this week at Milford MegaCineplex

“Nightmare on Elm Street: The Year Freddy Rips Off Coach Kaz’s Earring And Wears It On His Nose For His Birthday.”

“Friday the 13th 21: Jason Throws The Flag And Decapitates Ms. Rizk While She’s Typing.”

A double feature, yeah, buddy. I understand that there’s Matinee Sunday. Bring your church program and you can watch both of these for the price of one, free bucket of popcorn included, butter extra (gotta make money somewhere, I reckon) . I know I’ll be answering the altar call this Sunday to “Just As I Am” at Milford Interdenominational Fellowship.

Now showing at the Milford VFW Post #56, Ladies Night

“Nightmare on Elm Street: Chance Finally Bludgeons Freddy With His Helmet, Charlie Roh Enters The Game”

We are about to learn about Chance’s past, given the outburst that he is inflicting on The Bully That Recurs Every Full Moon. No doubt, there’s going to be repurcussions of some kind and I wouldn’t be surprised if Roh, indeed, enters the scheme of things. If that’s the case, well, I’ve always wondered what would happen if Roh WASN’T ready while they’re reading the Tilden player’s last rites and puttin’ the cuffs on Chance, not that I blame Chance. 60 years of late hits and saying your mother is in the cell next to Papa Bader CAN build up. Now Chance know what us readers go through. Did you ever get blind-sided by the Gatorade cooler by bad plots?

Anyway

“Roh!!!!!!!!!! You’re in for Macy!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Hold on, Coach!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t find my jock strap. It was laying on the bench SOMEWHERE.”

Or

“Where’s Gil?”

“I dunno. Last I saw him, he was in The Family Circus going to the store to buy Purina for Barfy.”

“That’s Billy’s Dolly’s Jeffy’s P.J.’s job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have a fourth-and-goal situation on the 1-yard line and we need to know whether to send in Roh on short yardage.”

“Hell, Chet took him to Mudlark Lake Refuge to go huntin’.”

Like coach, like player.

Anyway, tune in tomorrow, same Gil channel, same Gil time for the conclusion, or lack thereof, of this Revenge of Norman Bates.

Couldn’t he just have stabbed the Tilden player in the shower? Why wait until the game?

 

Friday the 13th 32: Gil Hacks Jason With A Poulan When Jason Attacks Mimi’s Schedule!!!!

 

“And this time, I think Freddy will leave Chance alone. Freddy is going back to the huddle, licking his wounds. Man, those blades have to be sharp. Time out is called out on the field with the score, Milford 20, Tilden 7. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Have you had trouble recently with Jason coming into your household? Did he skewer Grandma and Grandpa at Thanksgiving? Was Aunt Bertha a replacement for the pig at the Thorp Family Reunion, apple included?

Hello, this is Dr. Pearl for Milford Funeral Solutions and if you’re like me, you worry if Barnabas Collins can break through the coffin and arise out of Milford Generic Cemetery and start feasting at Milford High School Annual Picnic.

Let me put your fears aside as Milford Funeral Solutions has installed the latest technology to deal with any Jason that needs to sleep in the Batesville casket where he belongs. The fine people at MFS have installed Sonitrol Wiring Systems under the reposing arms of the dear departed and securely fastened them to the pillows as extra security to ensure no unnecessary resurrections will transpire and interrupt the Easter Egg Hunt at Milford Day Care. An activation switch, the Hewlett-Packard F1000, is the best in the business and guards against Jason writing his own script and terrorizing once again the streets of Milford.

And with the casket made of solid pin oak that is grown at Milford Nursery, Jason will find himself trapped by the same item that produces acorns for the animals to feed. Doesn’t it give you peace of mind knowing that Jason is up to his derriere in acorn shells and trapped by the same? The lid is then sealed by tungsten handles that only that hideous idiot from ‘Phantasm’ can open. But he’s dead too and won’t be at your next Fourth of July Fireworks Extravaganza.

Let’s face it, when my sister died during the War of the Roses, I didn’t expect for her to come looking for me with a lance. I was not going to be pierced and somebody shouting ‘Vive le Revolution!!!!!!!!’ because the MFS personnel, in conjunction with the Milford Police and Sonitrol, have coordinated efforts to prevent tragic renewals from occuring. Harry Houdini will not choke my grandchildren with a chain before the alarm goes off. Nice to know Starsky and Hutch will be at my house to send Houdini back to his tombstone.

Come see for yourself and see why Milford Funeral Solutions is #1 in customer satisfaction. Freddy Krueger will just have to go terrorize Gilligan’s Island. At Milford Funeral Solutions, the customer is always right and 6 feet under.”

Go for it, Gang. But Ruh Roh, the times, they are a-changin’.

 

LOOK de plane de plane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Tattoo, is that Mr. Thorp and his wife AGAIN???? That’s the 7th trip in the last 6 months. We have to let the sod settle before he can fulfill his fantasy on the gridiron.”

September 26, 2019

“Did You See Him With Shades On And Carrying A Bottle Of Jack Out Of Milford Beverage Warehouse?” “I Did.”

Filed under: big arms, Coach Kaz, exposition comics, Gil Thorp, Milford Weirdos, song parody — tdrewhardin @ 1:11 pm

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Down in the dumpy, roach-infested digs

We’d roll and fall in green

You wore a beehive like this Spalding pigskin

Too much Sassoon, too pepper-gray

 

Why don’t you leave me

So I can possess the game

I hated you, I loved football too

 

Bad calls in the night

Coach told me I was going to lose the fight

Leave behind my

Thorpiverse

Thorpiverse

Thorpiverse Heights

 

Coach Thorp, it’s me, I’m legal age

I’ve passed the physical, I’m still eligible

Let me in the game

 

Coach Thorp, it’s me, I’m etc., etc., etc.,

 

Gang, I apologize, I had this one wrapped up for Christmas but a personal matter turned up and like Grandma Macy, she was was hard to bounce out on the street so I had to find her bifocals which we FINALLY tracked down under the cushion of the couch along with the remote we’ve been searching for for several months. Thank God we weren’t trying to find her dentures. Under the seat slobbering on the channel function? Yuck.

Anyhoo, Today’s post includes a performer I have always admired. Her music is electric and scintillating and really gets in me. But I grew up on Alice Cooper, no problem. I grew up on Black Sabbath, in particular, Ozzy Osbourne, no problem. I lived to tell about it every time I played “Children of the Grave”, the lead-in “Embroyo”, if you want to get greedy, off of “Master of Reality”. I grew up on Frank Zappa and Captain Beefheart, no problem.

NONE of these performers have scared the shit out of me the way Kate Bush does. She has an eerie presence that works and adds the touch to her music that really sends me. One night at 2:00AM, I was reading an article on her that I had to put down, her photographs were THAT frightening. But that’s what also makes it appealing for me and will add, in my opinion, the punch to this plotline that is enigmatic and starting to limp after a strong start at the Milford Marathon. God, I hate to see what happens at Heartbreak Hill. Kate will be there to deliver the death blow, trust me.

 

At the 26 mile mark, situated at the beveled loading dock at Milford Foundry

“Gil, want some Gatorade? You look like you could use some.”

“Hell, no. I can suck it a few more yards. I’ll have my picture with my family proudly beside me.”

“That’s nice, but the photographer went home for the night.”

 

If ya gotta pass the ‘rithmatic Final by studyin’ the multi-plik-a-shun tables ’til the rooster crows early mornin’ so yuz can FINALLY pass 3rd grade and be eligible as a redshirt freshman for the junior varsity football team and ya FINALLY got 9 x 9 cuh-rehct by placin’ 9 monkey wrenches on the hood one way and 9 the other way, pointin’ towards the dice in the rear-view mirror, ya might be a redneck.

 

P1 is scary but if Thorpiverse thinks it’s going to get to Chance singing “The Red Shoes”, I think we better stick with Kate, thank you very much. We are led to believe that Chance is the second coming of Ted Bundy, about to chop up Grandma Macy with a Ginsu knife once he gets off the team bus, unbeknownst to the kids sitting behind him, talking about girls, football, what’s available online at The Bucket (“Let’s order that Bucket Tunaburger again. It’s got tuna wild-caught out of Mudlark Lake.” “HOLD ON. My phone ain’t working.”) .

And what sucks, We were getting used to Chet being an asshole and tolerating his inchoate methods for dealing with his stepson and his potential football talent or dealing with Coach Thorp and his coaching in absentia and still putting a product on the field. Aren’t you getting vertigo jumping from Stiff-Necked Lout to Norman Bates about to turn Grandma Bates into sawdust? Like Robert Frost, I prefer the Road Less Confusing. But I know a lot of you aren’t into “Fire and Ice”. Diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks.

STILL, once the only player who hasn’t been carded at Milford Lounge gets off the bus, I would like a little stability here. It’s time to get back to normalcy. So the League of Nations was a bad concept and now we’re going to have to endure every man for himself. But, Hell, we’ve had plenty of practice watching Chet at football games. Talk about grandstanding in the name of your own ego. His son better make the NFL and make this damn thing worth it, is all I can say.

 

Oooohhh, game gets close, it gets chippy

On the other side from you

I bitch a lot. I whine a lot

Wish I got ‘Dad’ from you

 

Don’t let Dreher back, Chuck

Cruel Macy, my one blot

My only other running back

 

Too long, Chance is in the play

Charlie’s coming in on second down, to put it right

He’s rolling right to

Thorpiverse

Thorpiverse

Thorpiverse Heights

 

Charlie, it’s me, I’m obnoxious

I’ve read the pattern, I’m a pro at this

Let me call the plays

 

Charlie, it’s me, I’m etc., etc., etc.,

 

Well, did you think the lyric was going to be “I’m a Good Samaritan, I believe in sportsmanship, shake the hand of your opponent when you lose, Charlie”? Hell, we could end the football plot RIGHT NOW and take a sneak preview into basketball. But noooooooooo, Chet’s gotta be an asshole for about 2 more months before we schedule the Billy Graham Crusade at Milford Outdoor Amphitheater. Can’t have Chet answering the altar call before October. Ooops, I forgot, we still have Ted Bundy and his grandma. But you can only chop her up 31 ways if that plot lasts until Halloween. Better to drag this jalopy all the way to the finish line. Jughead Jones will be there at Heartbreak Hill with a Radio Flyer full of Bucket Burgers.

 

Oh, come on, coaches. In P2, we are subjected to a conversation a bit on the unrealistic side. I was only kidding about Chance being compared to Ted Bundy. They aren’t.

As long as we’re going to be ostentatious about weightlifting and hoist something your average senior citizen with his or her yearly pass at the Milford Athletic Club could jerk up and down without Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em head serving as a spotter, why don’t we at least get real. I have dealt with, either in Babe Ruth or at the private school I coached, SEVERAL players who were short on conversation. That didn’t make them Lizzie Borden. As long as they showed up ready to play and listen, giving me 110%, I really didn’t care if they weren’t much for words.

Now don’t get me wrong. I think it’s in every coach’s best interest to establish an excellent relationship or at least a workable rapport with your players as long as you’re in the same dugout or on the bench.  I can honestly say that I could get players to crash through a wall for me as long as I treated them with RESPECT (Notice big case letters) . The players were GREAT to me and they made me who I am. They took the wins, I took the losses.

But common sense rules the day. If Chance doesn’t have a meat cleaver in his locker, I think it’s safe to say that his grandma will sleep another night. 2541 will enter another halcyon period since it’s hard for me to imagine Silent Chance attacking his grandma with his Boy Scout knife out of his drawer.

Time to hit the sauna, Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Head.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Cleared On Rape Charges In Grandma Macy’s Living Unit!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Judge Ito knows me better than that. I wouldn’t touch her with gloves on or off.”

 

Then in P3, Coach Kaz is really sweating it out, either from bench-pressing the 25-pound weight (allowing for 5 pounds on the bar) or the agony of cerebralizing whether they’re harboring someone who’s old enough to file for Social Security benefits. Heavy-duty mental loads like this can be hell on the last rep, we know, Coach Kaz. Gil is there with a Handi-Wipe.

BTW, how do they know all this unless they were riding on the bus THEMSELVES? And, okay, if they didn’t ride in the Coach’s Limo (So THAT’S where Thorp keeps his golf clubs in the summer when he’s not not-coaching during the school year) , or in a separate bus which some schools do if the team is carrying a lot of players (i.e., Sophomore bus, Freshman bus, etc.) , and they indeed rode with Ted Bundy and his arguably subversive, slightly dangerous demeanor, what were they doing, observing the entire bus ride back to Milford? And not celebrating with the rest of the team? Concern is one thing. Stretching the storyline so it makes the half hour slot without having to fill in with another Toyota Corolla or Breeze Detergent commercial is another. The silver lining to the latter might be I’d get a towel out of the box when I’m dumping detergent in the washing machine with the “rinse” letters barely legible at the Milford Laundromat to wash my tube socks but that’s about it.

But us Thorpiverse veterans are used to Rubber-Band Man scenarios. Stretch away, Coaches.

 

“And that just about wraps up the Milford Marathon here at the finish line here by the Wacky Water Slide here at Mudlark Lake. Jerry Pulver Jr. wins the event in a record 2:27:16. Coach Thorp and Coach are yet to be accounted for. I understand they got lost by the drawbridge by The Bucket. They had to wait ’til the Milford & Oakwood frigate finally got its orders. That gives me an opportunity to take a station break. This ius Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG-Radio, a division of Learfield Sports.”

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m training for the Milford Marathon!!!!!!!!!!”

“Honey, it’s 2:37 in the morning. And why are you training in the bathroom in the basement?”

“I gotta stay mentally strong. You can’t have any lapses in concentration when you’re chuggin’ for 26 miles.”

“Darling, I can give you that extra boost if you’ll give me a chance. Now come to bed with me.”

“Mrs. Shaw, you don’t understand. I have to be at my peak performance. That’s why I’m drinkin’ all these Nutrament Dutch Chocolate shakes. There’s plenty more behind the Pennzoil 10W-30 bottles here in the closet.”

“Aren’t there linens in there too? Where’d you put those?

“Blubba blubba, you’d be surprised how many Holiday Inn towels can cover a case full of Nutrament French Vanilla and Bar’s Leaks. Why it’s a match made in Heaven. And you can’t have any dissension when you’re at Heartbreak Hill. I’ll be sprintin’ like Jesse Owens if I got the Nutrament Black Cherry Special Blend wrapped up out of view.”

“And I don’t EVER remember your buying running shoes.”

“Ickity ackity oop, uh uh, I bought some cross trainers at a yard sale. Kid ran ’em in the Milford High School X-Country meets. Still got some high school invitationals left. I’ll be runnin’ like the wind at mile 15.”

“I just hope the crowd doesn’t notice the wimpy thing between your legs by then. Hard to hide that one with a Holiday Inn towel, My Love.”

 

“What could I say? She had me and she knew it and I knew it. It was time to take the towels back to Holiday Inn and pay the $7.00 Missing Merchandise Fee, then head down to Milford Men’s Clinic to deal with MY OWN missing merchandise. With treatment programs that work, my significant other came out of hiding and none too soon. I won my age division at the Milford Marathon thanks to the sprints I won in bed. Boy, it’s nice when you can pump your arms and your significant other simultaneously. My wife sure as hell agreed. But don’t take my word for it. Run on down to Milford Men’s Clinic and win your own age bracket. There’s plenty of ribbons to be won there. Come and claim your own Blue Ribbon. You’ll be glad you did.

 

Gang, thanks for your patience. I can only pass it along BUT I WILL. Y’all mean the world to me.

 

Ooohhhh, let him have it

Let Charlie take the game away

Oooohhhh, let him have it

Let Chance slice Granny away

You know it’s Gil, Cathy

 

Chet, it’s me, I’m concerned

I’ve come home, you’re so frazzled

Let Charlie, though fumbling, through the window

 

Chet, it’s me, I’m cornered

Etc., etc., etc.,

 

What are Gil and Kaz doing, pumping iron in Thorpiverse Heights? I hope they have plenty of Off!

Well done, Kate.

 

 

 

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