This Week in Milford

October 22, 2018

The Corner Of Noneya & Business

Filed under: big arms, freak hands, Gil Thorp, Milford Weirdos, premature baldness — nedryerson @ 7:11 am

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Tiki Jansen drives a crappy, old car and he’s chronically late. His sister Angela is in the fifth grade. Andre Ruffin’s sister, who’s also in the fifth grade,  has never heard of Angela. Andre is determined to unlock the mystery.

Maybe Angela goes to a different school than Andre’s sister, be it private, special needs or just another school. I guess Milford is supposed to be small enough that there’d be only one elementary school and all the fifth graders should know each other.

What are we doing here? Why do these kids have to investigate each other?

I wonder what a strip with real stories of what’s happening in the lives of real kids would look like. I really do. In the last couple years a few books came out with some interesting perspectives on public school classrooms and the kids in them. These are both personal takes from a long time teacher (Hall of Fools) and an established writer who taught as a substitute for a year (Substitute: Going to School with a Thousand Kids). Both of those were a little harrowing to read. Maybe it is better to live in the sanitized, “1950s with cellphones” Gil Thorp.

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October 15, 2018

Gil Thorp or (The Perpetual Expectation of Incompetence)

Filed under: football, Gil Thorp — nedryerson @ 6:54 am

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Apologies for a very quick post. Just a few thoughts:

No time for any game action, but we know the outcome. Milford prevails. Huzzah!

The “film crew” are morons. I presume they watched Joe punt, but couldn’t discern how well he did. Of course they’re just nerds and their question was just an opening for Joe to answer a question with a reference to a director.

OOOO, Alejandro Iñárritu. I guess the rhythm remark refers to his Birdman film and it’s musical pacing. I couldn’t watch all of The Revenant because it was long and brutal. If there was any rhythm to it, it was lost on me. Maybe Joe has an appreciation for his entire oeuvre, but so far he just seems like a guy who wants to sound impressive by squeezing the name Alejandro Iñárritu into just about any conversation.

October 8, 2018

Excuse Me? I’m Marginal Mike Filion Now?

Filed under: actual action, football, Pantheon of Hair — nedryerson @ 6:36 am

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Mike Filion has to do a lot of scutwork in Milford. He’s the quarterback who Gil’s stuck with because unicorns like True “Not Tru” Standish only wander into Milford once in a century. He gave Kaz a lead on Joe Bolek, but there’s no sense of urgency to do anything right away. So Marginal Mike Filion gets to punt this week.

Joe Bolek and his film club decide to swing by and see if Joe might deign to consider punting for the Mudlarks. Will he or won’t he? We’re on the edge of our seats.

Joe and his entourage are really getting on my nerves, especially from a hair standpoint. That one guy or girl has the Slim Chance/Dafne Dafonte/Kevin Pelwecki hair strands which I’d be happy to never see again. Joe’s hair isn’t consistent. I think at some point last week while Kaz was looking for a punter, Joe and Marginal Mike’s hair got switched around. Let’s not even talk about coloring.

What’s up with the dude sitting in front of Bolek and friends? He’s aggressively splayed out all over the bleachers while Joe’s crew also seem to be encroaching on the seats in front of them with their feet. It looks like somebody wants to start something here. We could use a good brawl. I’ll bet Mr. Man Spreader could hold his own against Joe & The Film Crew.

October 1, 2018

What Milford Needs

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 7:09 am

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First of all, Milford Needs a Punter. Does it though? We’ve already been over this, but Milford has a punter. The coaching staff feels his value as a long snapper outweighs his value as a punter. There is a logic problem in here, but logic is clearly not the strong suit of the Milford coaching staff. But neither is coaching as this whole affair illustrates.

Next, Joe Bolek Used To Be One. Really? When and at what level? He’s been introduced to us as a film nerd obsessed with movies who is presumably not interested in sports. I contend that any random member of the current Milford team, who is already committed to practicing and playing football, could be coached into being an adequate punter and outperform some kid who hasn’t shown any interest in athletics. Again, this illustrates the utter laziness of the Milford coaching staff, who would rather look for a miracle than put an ounce of effort into developing the talents of bona fide student athletes.

Milford coaches are lazy. Shocking, isn’t it?

So, what about this Bagger Vance nonsense? Are we going to keep talking about Bagger Vance? Bagger Vance is a movie that nobody ever needs to talk about again. Nobody has talked about for a long time with the exception of Gil Thorp. Maybe it comes up as a reference to lazy film making. Actually, making a film is very hard and lazy people probably need not apply to that endeavor. Let’s say it’s lazy writing, playing on tired (and problematic) tropes. That’s what I hear anyway. I haven’t seen The Legend of Bagger Vance, and I’m not going to. Also I’m not going to type Bagger Vance again, because I’ve done so so much that he might just appear and try and redeem me. Having done this comics blogging so long, maybe I need redemption but I don’t think I’ll get it from…that guy.

September 24, 2018

Creatively Blocked

Filed under: actual action, football, Marty Moon — nedryerson @ 6:21 am

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It’s fun to dump on Marty Moon. His sippy cup is full of bottom shelf vermouth. He’s sealed up in a crate, imagining that the cockroaches crawling around him are playing football. His headset is assembled from odds and ends scrounged from the kitchenware area of Goodwill. His lifetime batting average of successful sick burns on Gil is .002, but I’m going to have to give him a small win today. Gil’s whole approach to the punt team is a disaster. Sure, things go wrong even with the best personnel, but Gil is just throwing crap at the wall to see what sticks during the game. Hey Weibe, you just scored a touchdown. Congrats, you’re the new long snapper. What are you doing Gil? Maybe that game video software that was hinted at earlier is so much fun to play around with that the whole coaching staff forgot to sort out the depth chart during practices. Wait, practices? Oh yeahhhh.

Never fear, everything will come up roses for Gil. Look! A miraculous play on the other side of the ball on special teams. Tiki Jansen, proud driver of a 2000 Breeze, blocks a field goal attempt. There’s no way to know how he got through or around the Oakwood line. He just did, okay?

eta billytheskink pointed out a similarity between Tiki’s dive and a cut scene from Tecmo Super Bowl. I think this is what he’s referring to:
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I only played the first Tecmo Bowl game, and I was bad at it so I ended up mostly watching others play. I don’t think there were insert shots like this in that game.

September 17, 2018

Teenage Kicks

Filed under: football, Gil Thorp — nedryerson @ 6:16 am

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I’m still trying to wrap my mind around how Sam Finn came to be known as the BEST punter on the team. He’s a lineman and long snapper. How did he start getting reps at punter? Has he seen any game action at punting, and if he did, who snapped the ball to him?

The next logic puzzle for today concerns placekicker Freddy Malouf. He has a soccer background which is not uncommon among placekickers. How often do soccer players kick a stationary ball? Is that supposedly an analogous skill to placekicking? I really don’t know. Soccer is not really my area of expertise. I do realize that there is nothing in soccer like punting (except occasionally by goalkeepers) so Freddy’s cluelessness makes sense.

Now, as to Gil’s teaching method of punting….well, we’ll just chalk this up to a limitation of static art. Still, Gil’s punting demonstration makes me sad. But to be fair, Gil is probably supposed to be showing Freddy some components of punting and not the whole nine yards (which is how far Gil can punt with his knee.)

Today’s post title refers to this classic two and a minute slab of pop from the Undertones. This is one of those songs that I find myself listening to repeatedly because one time through is not enough.

September 10, 2018

Bonding Over Bondo

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Let’s get to know the team from the inside. We have a guy with an unfortunate, early onset bald spot holding a mysterious object. It looks like an overinflated remote control, but maybe it’s a shoe? Then there’s a shirtless guy who doesn’t really care.

We have return guest Andre Ruffin, who is rocking a very beautifully manicured Mohawk. Then there’s newcomer Tiki Jansen. See, he’s not Hawaiian at all. He’s T.K. Jansen, get it? That’s interesting character development!

The real substance of this character reveal is that Andre is very observant as to what kind of wheels people have and he has spotted Tiki rolling up in one of these*:

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I can vaguely remember some mild car shaming happening back in high school, but I think I was in the same boat as most kids in that I took whatever I could get and was happy to not have to bum rides. In this case, Tiki has an 18 year old standard American made shitbox and he’s damned proud of its poor cosmetic condition.

*I wanted to use a contemporary picture of a 2000 Breeze still in the wild. The one pictured here is on sale in New Jersey if anyone is interested.

September 3, 2018

That Seat Is Permanently Reserved For Quentin Tarantino

Filed under: Gil Thorp, What the hell is going on here? — nedryerson @ 9:07 am

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Hey, how ’bout that golf plot, eh? We all learned about integrity or something.

Here begins the fall plot. It is a Gil Thorp tradition to begin a plot with some randos establishing one rando’s character quirk that will come into play somehow when the actual sports story gets going. Today’s randos might be characters we’ve seen before, but there are no solid context clues and there are only two or three types of hairstyles in Milford, so your guess is as good as mine.

Three kids are in a nicely appointed media room, squeezed all together on one side for some reason. One of the kids is a movie buff (or insufferable cineaste, if you will) who subjects his friends to foreign movies and repeated viewings of Reservoir Dogs.

That’s more than enough work for Labor Day.

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