This Week in Milford

September 22, 2022

Walking Tall: The Day Buford Pusser And Gil Thorp Retake Milford.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:35 pm

If I am guessing correctly about what Jami might be talking about, I would venture to say it is roughly related to a Dungeons and Dragons game or related atmosphere. The concept is interesting as a lot of chess is involved in it. The Game Master is the moderator/scorekeeper and the participants are warriors/knights engaging in battle with various enemies. Here’s the kicker, the participant talks out his/her characteristics and what they expect when he/she engages in battle. The dice is eventually rolled to determine the outcomes and the Game Master determines outcomes based upon what the participants are telling the GM and the stat sheet(s) in the GM’s hand. That summarizes what I’m gathering although I’m sure there’s a whole world in it so corrections are welcome.

As Vaganova has mentioned, we’re getting exposed to a Pandora’s Box of plots and MAYBE they’ll fall in place before basketball MAYBE NOT. So what the hay, let’s dump another featherless biped on the table in the guise of Dungeons and Dragons. I mean, c’mon, when Jami talks about rolling a dirty 20, it’s safe to say he’s not talking about the grand slam he booted in kickball in gym class. Thorpiverse, will you quit mudslinging these fancy-schmancy terms at us as if we’re going to go grab a Ouija board and try to summon a dragon from the dead, hoping to God somebody remembered to store the sword in the china cabinet? Yeah, yeah, Jami, you rolled a dirty 100 and sent the guy to the school nurse when you dusted his butt in slaughterball. Mimi, will you pass the biscuits?

Speaking of Gil, Man, you talk about the pot calling the kettle Thorp. Gil, Holy one, as long as you’re going to talk about foul language, you were accosted with some loser and his wife who in no uncertain terms tossed a numberable amount of profanities at you, not that it wasn’t unwarranted. And over the sixty years of watching you coach (loosely speaking) , you have spewed out some dirty words yourself, Mr. Potty Mouth In Disguise.

And it wasn’t as if Jami was really cussing, not outwardly anyway. I could have addressed my 3rd grade teacher as “Hello Mrs. 3rd Grade Teacher, you sweet Dirty 20” and not worry about getting sent to the principal’s office. She’d be clueless what I meant but I wasn’t flipping her off. Oh hey, Mr. Referee, how’s your Dirty 20 doing? Is she out of the hospital yet? BTW, could you watch #15? He’s pushing off down low.

This whole thing, IMO, has all the trappings of a Walking Talk sequel. The controversial movie was based on a true story centering around Buford Pusser, an ex-pro wrestler who wants to help his dad in the logging business in McNairy County, Tennessee. Pusser’s eyes are opened when he runs across the rampant corruption in the county, particularly when he catches a games house at cheating. The county sheriff is threatened by him and tries to kill him but ends up getting killed himself in the process and Pusser eventuallly takes over at sheriff. He carries around a long piece of wood, basically a tall wooden post, to drive home the message “Speak softly but carry a big stick.” Oh, this one’s big.
And what better way for Gil to deal with a butthole who gets to be more of a butthole by the panel than to tote Pusser’s Stick? If Luke Loser says “poop” in front of Beth the Bartender, Gil can pull a Buford Pusser and FAP Luke up side his forehead. Terrorists attempt to raid the airport and Gil can’t get on the plane for his next Coach of the Year ceremony as a result? Smash the airport lockers where all the bombs are hidden with Pusser’s Stick and line up those cowards one-by-one on the floor where Gil can bludgeon them to death and save taxpayer expense using the electric chair. Marty slanders Gil once again and says he coaches only when it’s convenient? Swing that Pusser’s Stick towards the sound board. Simple.
I can’t wait for Walking Tall V: Gil Uses Pusser’s Stick On A Nurse Who Injects Anthrax Into Mimi’s Mom’s Tea.

At the Milford High School parking lot

SMASH!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!! TRASH!!!!!!!!!!

Stud Pardee yells out “Coach Thorp, why are you smashing my windshield???? All I wanted to know was why my daughter wasn’t playing varsity on the volleyball team.”

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Sheriff Buford Pusser Executes Severe Damage To Dr. Pearl’s Lexus In A Raid Yielding Millions In Illegal Contraband!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Sheriff Pusser: ‘We had reasonable suspicion that she and her husband had plenty of hooch hidden in the back seat under the Perry Como records.’”

Is that the Poltergeist tree? I thought it got swept up in that tornado. How did it land in the yard out of nowhere? Better not press my luck on that one. I wouldn’t want that tree to eat Keri and Jami like it tried to do with the children from the movie. Thorpiverse, don’t Dirty 43 the kids this early. We still have 9 more decades of plot before they graduate. But it looks tame for now. Wouldn’t build a tree house but not looking over my shoulder either.

Daggone it, Coach, if there’s one thing I can’t stand is a resident who leaves his ladder out in the yard. You talk about a safety hazard. Oh whoops, that’s the railing. Good thing. It looks like it’s supporting the structure that has become a shotgun house. The dining room has been shrunk to a debriefing room, nice touch.

Just another day in Paradise in Penny Lane

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J.’s Residence Checked For Hooch!!!!!! Milford Police To Draw Up Another Search Warrant!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Mr. Pusser better not use no bat on my lamp. I bought that on sale at Pier 1 Imports.”

Oooooookkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back with another round to WHACK Gil Thorp out of the county. Take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Gil used Buford’s_______________ when Gil went to bed with Mimi.”

Now that Jami has thrown a Mazes and Monsters concept at us, I am still struggling to figure out TTRP. Thorps That Rape People? Thorps Try Raising Peacocks? Take Thorps and Ram them into a Pole? Okay, I stretched the last one but that’s what happens when I’m not well-versed in Dungeons and Dragons. Try To Remember Pliability.
And Gil, what other Luke could your son be talking about? Yeah, I zapped Luke Skywalker, Junior with a laser and earned enough points to send him and The Mudlark Dragon back to Pluto. And with a lucky roll of the die, I can get Carol Ann and Mimi’s mom released from that Poltergeist that was slumbering in the tool cabinet in the garage.
It can’t be Luke who wrote one of the Gospels. Everybody has to have a surname if they want to enroll at Milford Middle School.

“Watch where you taking that whiskey. That’s valuable merchandise, son.”


“Now look what ya did, boy!!!!! Ya got whiskey all over the distillery!!!!!!!”

“It was heavy, Dad.”

“Are you some kind of girl???? I bet ya got ta squat ta pee.”

“I DO NOT!!!!!”

“Don’t you sass me, boy, I’ll give you a whuppin’ bigger than Mr. Pusser can do!!!!!!!!”

WHAP!!!!!! WHAP!!!!!!

“Gil!!!!!!! That’s your son!!!!!!”

Being a Christian, I really don’t have a problem with Dungeons and Dragons or similar games. Obviously there’s a few dubious elements but anybody wise enough to take games like this in the proper perspective should never encounter any problems. Like with anything.

Just a cautionary note and take it as you wish. Let Mazes and Monsters be a warning of the dangers when you don’t back off when the signs were clear. Tom Hanks (first role in a major movie, if I’m not mistaken) plays a student who gets caught up in the Dungeons and Dragons atmosphere to the point where he went insane. Satan is real, folks. Never underestimate his power.

Hal Lindsey was right. We make Satan out to be this impish Hot Stuff character who takes his knocks and suffers the foils and frailties like other kids, or the Human Race in general. Nothing could be further from the truth. In Ephesians, it says “Put on the armor of God”. Against Satan, I would. Know Jesus. Read your Bible. I’ll say it again, he’s real. Protect yourself. I’ve seen too many signs.

But again, you are free to worship as you wish. Just serve that God 110% is all I ask.

Is Mimi really having that much trouble killing that T-bone steak? I know she’s listening intently to Jami bragging about how he shot Luke Loser’s dragon into some abyss in the alley but Mimi, I have a hacksaw if that’ll help.
And what is it with the green cuisine? I’ve heard of green eggs and ham but not the KFC Family Bucket Special like we’re seeing at the dinner table this evening. You eat that palm leaf, Jami, there are starving kids in China that would drop off the Great Wall for a bite. And Keri, use a piece of green bread to scoop that green buffalo heart and green pig liver, don’t use your hands.

WHAT is that plate in the middle???? A piece of green Sara Lee Choco Cream Pie???? No thanks, Mimi, no seconds for me. WHAT is in that bowl in the middle???? Green mints so that you don’t get bad breath from green buffalo hearts???? Fried green tater tots???? Green crab legs from the Alaskan coastline???? And what is the other bowl of green cottage cheese doing on the other end of the table? No more green oatmeal until you eat all your palm leaves, Jami.

The family that greens together, stays together. Judging by Keri’s hair, they’ll be glued together for quite some time.


Hmmmmmmm. Let me see. Try The Rugby Plot.

Oh God, no. I can’t see Coach Thorp, Marty Moon, Mr. Dr. Pearl, or Lunky Luke in a rugby uniform (with that nasty goatee and matching golf hat? Sheesh) . And how long would THAT get dragged out? We only have 3 more months plus the loose change in September.

Uh oh. When Gil’s eye shoots off firecrackers, you know you can expect a Buford Pusser moment. It’s bad enough when Gil has to defend his honor against Sewer Mouth Luke Martinez Senior to better serve Beth the Bartender to better serve all the lushes at the ceremony or Milford Lounge or the Airport Bar & Grill or wherever she plies her trade but is Jami going to meet a similar fate against Sewer Mouth Martinez Junior???? Judging by Gil chewing on his Nestle Quik glass, I probably don’t want to know the answer.

What could the plotline gods conceivably create that would involve Jami? Sewer Mouth Junior cussing out the lady substitute gym teacher because they’re doing too many jumping jacks? Watch your language, bub, or I’ll waylay you with my jock strap. Just do the 1,453 jumping jacks and shut up. Sewer Mouth Junior threatening the school cafeteria cashier with a spork because she overcharged on the chipped jello? Oh boy, Jami to the rescue. Just leave that cashier alone and eat your Ho Ho’s and like it before me and Wyatt Earp run you out of Dodge. Sewer Mouth Junior blackmailing the DJ at the school dance? Listen here, chum, if you don’t like dancing to Deep Purple’s “Space Truckin’”, go permanent ice-fishing in Labrador.
Finish the rest of your arugula, Jami.

BTW, jumping jacks was named after none other than General John “Black Jack” Pershing (Pershing missiles named after him) . From his humble beginnings in Laclede, Missouri (great stopover at his Boyhood Home, if you’re on vacation and in the area) , he rose up and steamrolled his way into the ranks. Very by-the-book and no-nonsense but fair, his exercise programs were about as Muscular Christianity as you could imagine, vigorous and tough but got results. Jumping jacks was part of that regimen. The Axis Powers in WWI never knew what hit them when Pershing’s men took the battlefield.

“We’ll return to see who gets chopped from the Green Cuisine Week festivities after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“ Ay Ay Ay, my wife was running around on me. She had a caliente for this teenager down at the Milford Trocadero. I’ll never forgive Ricky Ricardo for expanding his operations. If I could golpear him with my own Buford Pusser garrote, I’d take back anything I said about or to Gil. She can have Beth the Bartender.”

“WOW!!!!!! Sounds like Luke Martinez Senior has problems Luke Junior will face once the latter stops using Clearisil. It was no fun playing mediator here but at Joe Sharkey Divorce and Divorce Attorneys & Assiciates et al, we pay the price so they can get paid and I can afford the garbage disposal rates every month.”

“I had to get away from la Madera de una Hormiguero. He was not exciting in bed and I had to use a respirator to pump him up. It was 1:39AM one night when he aired up sufficiently. I never saw a balloon pump struggle to inflate worse than this. And I had to go to bed by then if I wanted to get to work by 7 AM.”

“We got them to kiss and make up over the final settlement. Mediation and a shotgun in the corner sped the process quite significantly. They both walked out happy and satisfied. Luke went to sing Pure Prairie League songs to Beth the Bartender in celebration. She went home to mother.”

“I got $563,093,342 and I had full visitation rights. Man, I can afford golf clubs!!!! They’ll come in handy when I challenge Gil in strip golf next week. Plus $35 per hole. That #%?^*+!$&@ cheapskate can afford it. He tipped The Bucket waiter $50, even after Melissa Gordon picked up the tab, then left. Thanks, Shark!!!!!”

“I received $645,982,305 from the settlement. Me and that teenage pizza de miel are going to make beautiful music on our honeymoon, then settle down in Kansas and buy a wheat farm. I’ll be satisfied sexually and financially and we only have to worry about a tornado every now and then. Thanks Shark!!!!!!!!”

“You heard these people. Everybody turned out a winner. Now, me, If you can get it resolved, PLEASE contact Milford Marriage Counseling and set up an appointment. Your initial consultation is free and they take major insurance and EBT cards. If there is no way around it, please get it by the deadline, normally 30 days after the consultation but 15 days when the matter is deemed and ruled irreconcilable by the Milford Superior Court notwithstanding the notaries that stamp their seal of approval in writing before the second Tuesday after the first Monday of each month with a 5 day grace period. Get The Shark on your side by calling 1-FON-THE-JAWS. One call, that’s all.”

Gang, Buford Pusser did not smash the windshield on Gil’s SUV. He had no hooch in the spare tire as the Milford Enquirer alleged, remember? It must have been a prank.

But God bless you anyway.

At Milford Nudist Colony, in the spare parking lot

SMASH!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!

“Mommy? Daddy said Sheriff Pusser is smashing Marty Moon’s car because he smuggled Milford Men’s Clinic sex pills from Guatemala.”

“Uhhhhhhh, oh look, Keri, there’s Luke Junior on the playground. Go play with him on the jungle jim.”

On The Chopping Block on WDIG-TV one late night

“Chef Gil Thorp. You’ve been chopped.”

“Coach, I just think the mashed potatoes could’ve been greener. Are you sure you checked the oven dial?”

September 20, 2022

“…And Don’t Forget To Snap A Group Photo Of The Other Team While You’re At It.”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:25 pm


When I coached in a private school, we always reserved a time to have the whole basketball (or soccer) team and coaching staff pose and smile in front of the camera. Well and good, there is a time and place for everything. When we were getting our butts kicked in an enemy gym, if I told the team we were going to pose for the yearbook after the game, I would have been drummed out of the gym. Even when we won, no sweaty, smelly player with blood and grime and sweat all over him and his uniform was crazy about creating memories via a Canon or a Polaroid Instamatic.

Okay, okay, I’ll make room for when you win a championship. When my high school won the Sectional during my sophomore year in a thrilling fashion (dethroned the previous four-time Sectional winner) and later won the Regional (NOTHING like Hoosier Hysteria, trust me. The movie was right) , the team was so thrilled with winning that they were overjoyed to pose in front of a camera that has rung memories several decades later. But shoot, the Indiana Communist Party could have done a few shoots and sent it to Moscow (not Idaho, Thorpiverse) to spread propaganda that the Yankee Imperialists were exploiting their basketball team and made them harvest potatoes with a rake, and the team wouldn’t have cared. Ditto if the Milford Women’s Christian Temperance Union was around with a Nikon. You see, that’s what happens when they abstain from alcohol. New Thayer lost because their coach allowed the team to raid Gil’s wine cellar.
The point is, the team will pose in front of anybody if they have grabbed the brass ring and are able to stick it in the trophy case Monday morning. Otherwise, what is the purpose of doing a group photo after beating Palooka High?

What’s going to be next? There will be a fire drill procedure immediately after today’s victory with Hicktown High. We could have executed it at more convenient times but because we’re Milford and we’re the 800-pound gorilla, we can sit anywhere we want in the gym when everybody else is rolled up in a ball out on the soccer practice field and the volleyball team is huddled around the pitch.
And after the victory Thursday over Chumpville Academy, we will dismantle the volleyball nets and Milford PTA will stage a flea market. Be sure to bring all those items you don’t need or have wasting away in the living room closet and no human would touch with a Spalding volleyball so that the sale will be a success. We’re still making payments on the air-conditioning we installed last year.

It is ludicrous to assume people had Polaroids stuffed in their gym bags before today’s match. Nike gym shoes? Check. Deodorant after a shower? Check. Towel? Check. Spare sweats? Check. Game ball? Check. Kodak? Check.
Thus begins another Fall season.

Gang, this is absolutely rip-roaring. Some strip club dancers in some major town is wanting to unionize its labor. I mean, what do you tell your teenage daughter? Honey, I know that The Bucket is full on car hops and McDonald’s is on a hiring freeze. But hey, I heard Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club is taking applications. And they’re an Equal Opportunity Employer. You can use Mimi’s name as a reference.

While you’re catching your breath

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club Strippers In Rudimentary Negotiations With Milford Amalgamated Local 819 Representatives!!!!!!! Will Resume Talks At Coffee Cantina Conference Room Later In The Week!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Amalgamated 819 rep: ‘Everything is tentative at this point. We have advised our comrades to continue clocking in while we listen to the demands to present to management. Everything in good time.’”

And who the heck jumps up and down for joy to do a group photo session? They aren’t overjoyed that they won????


The girl with the Rubik’s Cube hand has obviously never posed before. First time at the rodeo, I’m sure.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Officials At Milford Amalgamated Local 819 To Set Up Election Site For Determining Negotiating Team!!!!!!!!! Strippers Rep Optimistic For Future Bargaining In Good Faith!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club made record profits last year. We are confident they can afford pension plans.”

If ya is organizin’ cuz ya think ya make a lot fer the strip joint flashin’ them boobs that could pass fer gourds holdin’ about 28 gallons of water and shakin’ that 874-pound body in front of them horny patrons and ya got yore union card at the Milford Labor Temple just this past week, ya might be a redneck.


I have mentioned this before, one of my favorite all-time movies was a foreign film, Europa, Europa (German for Europe, Europe) . It was a true story about a Jewish family who lived in Poland and were harassed by the Nazis and were eventually driven from their home. Solomon Perel was a son in the family and was on the run throughout the movie because of the war. His fluency in German and Russian enabled him to escape to safety many times and in fact, in one scene, he poses with these Germans who captured a Russian contingent and thereby compel a captured Russian commander to pose with them.
The photographer says it all: “Laechele!!!!!! (Smile!!!!!!!)!!! “

Lord, I hope Solly isn’t with that Russian commander in this photo but I’m not betting Gil’s ranch. As long as the plot is once again veering off in myriad direction, why not throw one more plot idea to the mix and try to develop them all before Christmas and end up maybe developing one or two but the others got stuffed back in the World Book Encyclopedia volumes for a later date, maybe when the planets align again?

Shoot, Gil is running from the Commies and needs to hide so his fluency in Swahili, Spanish, Serbo-Croat, German, Ukrainian, Tagalog, Urdu, Pig Latin, Vatican City Latin, French, Abyssinian, Chaldean, enables him to travel the globe and eventually set up temporary status in Milford as a volleyball coach. He proudly poses with the team and the captured arrogant Pakistani rebel leader and Democracy is restored for another week. Too bad anybody who spoke Urdu couldn’t spike.

Mimi reunited with her mom who dies a week later and they throw her ashes in Mudlark Lake after the funeral. Gotta bring closure to this one.

Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Mimi Thorp As Union Chief Of Milford Teacher’s Association To Endorse Organizing Activities For Strippers!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We believe the Go-Go Club will address areas of concern including fixing the leaky roof, with union roofers no less.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office one fine afternoon with Dr. Pearl air-guitarring “So Caught Up In You” by .38 Special


“Hello? No, I don’t believe she’s in. Yes, of course. Milford Amalgamated 819? Very well, I will relay that you need that photo of the Go-Go Club owner with Melissa Gordon. Yes, I’m sure it’s evidence at the bargaining table. Good-bye.”

And I could swallow this farce if the girls weren’t flashing their chicken claws, in front of a camera of all things. You talk about freak hands. If they are trying to display their Mudlark solidarity by brandishing their hand in several different formations, they are failing miserably. I’d believe it if that was LSU or the Lakers but any L-formations HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH AN M!!!!!!!!!! If we’re going to make up plots as we go, can we at least display the proper letter???? Milford Amalgamated 819 didn’t get to be a union pumping that G or P in solidarity. They might copycat Gil and wear those MTV logos on their shirts but you wouldn’t see omega or omicron or letters from the Cyrillic alphabet. As long as we are going to shake hands with Loserville High, let’s follow protocol all the way around.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Governor Rescinds Order To Send National Guard Troops!!!!!! Violence From Picketing At Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club Dies Down Quickly!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The Mayor’s office has remitted an arbitrator to air grievances and both sides have proven amiable to the arbitrator involved.”

Roger Penske, the genius behind many NASCAR/Indy 500 victories, once talked about how he had taken over a strongly unionized company where morale had hit the pits. He just went directly to the union, both sat down in a meeting room, hashed out the 2,000 grievances (maybe an exaggeration, maybe not) , he closed the doors, then started getting down to the real nitty-gritty. About eight hours later, they emerged with many of the differences resolved, agreeing to disagree on about 10-15 complaints. The union went home happy with their families, Penske turned a bad venture into a profitable company that stayed that way for years, and give-and-take won out another day.

At the Milford School Board bargaining session with the Milford Teacher’s Association, this one heard behind closed doors

“They want the rusted tackling dummies removed by union disposal services AGAIN????”

And of course, even though Cami Ochoa was supposed to be coaching the JV squad and we THINK this is a JV game (give benefit of the doubt) , Gil naturally chimes in unnecessarily. Yeah, go shake their hands, tell them about the Thanksgiving Luau at Milford Gym and be sure to tell them to show their student ID or the security guard won’t let them through and tell them to use AAA so they can get reward points on hotel accommodations and free towing in case their bus breaks down and tell them to rinse with Scope so they don’t spew out halitosis when they’re shaking hands after the match and tell them James Whitcomb Riley told them that the goblins will git ya if ya don’t watch out and be sure to register to vote so that El Salvador doesn’t take over this country and turn it into a dictatorship and tell them that Dr. Pearl says hello to Chumpville Academy’s principal and she hopes that his grandpa has recovered from syphillis.

That should cover it.

There was a Fame episode where one of the students gets a job on the Mr. Wacky Show, roughly like Bozo the Clown. This student plays Noodles, Mr. Wacky’s sidekick who becomes the brunt of Mr. Wacky’s jokes, from pies in the face to getting dunked in the water. At first, it was a lot of fun but as time wears on, the act is getting old fast. The student can only take so many pies.

When he finally tells Mr. Wacky “Thanks but no thanks”, Mr. Wacky reluctantly understands. He sends this student off with “Eat all your vegetables, don’t forget to change your underwear, sit up at the table, comb your hair before you leave school, etc.”

It is my honest belief that Mr. Wacky pretty much said all these things and more to Chumpville Academy, picking up where Gil left off (did you expect Cami to contribute anything???? She’ll learn) .

Nice portrait of Gil and Cami today. American Gothic 2022, I reckon. This is not helping the rift between Gil and Mimi but who cares?

Then there’s those ED commercials that brag they’re the best in the county. Yeah, buddy. Damn, Our county may be last in the state in literacy rate and we graduate only 30% from high school but by gum, we are the best at gettin’ our males up for the occasion. God, no wonder why Milford Mattress Outlet is brisk in sales.


At the Thorp Household one Saturday afternoon

“Mommy, why is Daddy getting in the car? Where is he going?”

Mimi halts her game of checkers with Jami and races out to the driveway

“GIL!!!!!!!! Where are you going????”

“Mimi, clear the driveway!!!!! I have a real sense of urgency!!!!!!”

“Oh Gil, if you’re having a heart attack, I’ll call 9-1-1-“

“HELL NO!!!!!!!!! I read where New Thayer was voted by the other Valley Conference members as having the best Men’s Clinic in the conference!!!!! I gotta get there before they close!!!!”

“Mommy, he said Goshen uses recycled needles to get him pumped up. And Milford Men’s Clinic makes him drop his trousers in front of a Milford Candy Striper nurse. Aren’t they too young?”

“If he drops his pants in front of ANY teenager, I’m going back to Mom at the Milford Advanced Adult Center. Gil, get out of the car and end this foolishness!!!!!”

“Mimi, when a ball player declares free agency, he goes where they pay him the most. The payoff has to be worth it. Ain’t no way this free agent is going to test the waters in Madison. They give you Motrin and you’re hardly harder than worms for fish bait. And they had to shut down the clinic in Oakwood. The Oakwood Health Department gave them citations for issuing serum that had been on the dashboard and exposed to the sun too long. And the mice chewed through the wiring on the EKG machine. This free agent wouldn’t test the toothpaste in the bathroom there. A man has to boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“Gil, you’ll be boldly going before the judge when I file the papers if you don’t get out of this car NOW!!!”

“Mommy, he said New Thayer Men’s Clinic also offered BOGO specials. Is he related to Pogo?”

“Keri, Sweetie, Daddy isn’t a fool. When I’m not getting my paycheck until next week, every little bit helps. Why pay for only one Blimpie Booster shot when you get the second one free? And when everything is done behind the curtain so some old lady in the next bed can’t see it driven in manually and anally, I’ll gladly drive the 7,573 miles to New Thayer to perform better under the sheets. I want to show Mommy what a man is like. He’s more than pinochle in bed.”

“Gil, this is embarrassing. The neighbors are looking. You’ve even got Mr. Kravitz humping the window-“

“Mommy, I want to go with Daddy. I want a Blimpie for me and my teddy bear-“

“JAMI, YOU’RE NOT GOING!!!!!!!! Gil, get-“


“Mimi, did you forget to go to the mechanic to fix the gas filter?”

“Milford Men’s Clinic had a BOGO of their own anyway. Good thing because now I can double the pleasure when I hit the bed covers tonight. No more having to hide my problem and say to Mimi that I have a Bic pen anatomically attached to the rest of my body. With Blimpie Booster shots at affordable rates, come to Milford Men’s Clinic and create your story in bed tonight. Cinderella never had more fun. Only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

How many times Donau have to tell you, P3 was not seen at Milford Photography on the front window? That is not a family portrait. Where was Mimi, back at her mom’s place to watch her mom get a Blimpie?

But God bless you anyway.

Late Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Amalgamated Local 319 Reaches Tentative Agreement With Management At Milford Girls-A-Go-Go Club!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Amalgamated Rep: ‘Voting will take place right before Snake Handling Strip Night is scheduled to go on stage.”

At the Shaw Household one evening

“I am going to the voting session to show my solidarity and that’s final!!!!!!!”

September 15, 2022

Whoa, Hoss.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:33 am

Gang, I will get this out of the way now so I can move on. Being a Christian, I am obviously against abortions. That said, I have always tried to be discreet talking about my religion or my favorite sports teams because I didn’t want to taint the things that I post. I have tried to stay as neutral as possible. Plus, nobody likes to be preached at any more than my getting puffy at people whenever my team wins and that I will never do.

I could not in good Christian conscience move on without briefly addressing the present plot. We make fun of Gil (Heck, we just want to mock him) but give credit to Berrill and lately Barajas for not shying away from controversy. When Berrill ruled, issues such as teen pregnancy, teen alcoholism, and people getting sent to the loony bin all surfaced at one time or another.

The present situation is no exception. We got a lot on the plate but, oh well, we’re big boys and girls. First off, Ladies and Gentlemen, please keep it in your pocket until marriage. Otherwise, my feelings are please consider adoption if anyone is caught in Melissa Gordon’s situation. Don’t start raising kids until you’re through being one yourself. Also, please do not harass people walking inside the abortion clinic. I may not approve of the procedure but I will not throw stones. As Jesus told the Woman at the Well “I’ve got a better way.” My feelings here.

Your comments and input are welcome, as they always are, but I would ask not to drag this out for six months. I’m just communicating my thoughts but intend to get back to the business of comedy. While I feel strongly about this issue, the readers deserve my very best, especially in terms of comedy, and that’s what I intend to give today and for however long the readership will keep supporting me. I am nothing without the readers. Point blank. I hope you understand.

I think it’s funny how we’re recycling an idea and trying to run with it for a while. But how long is “a while”? Though I am sympathetic to Melissa’s plight, is this a rerun that will keep spinning into the maze before Gil or The Minotaur pop out of a room? I think I recall The Minotaur making himself known on odd days on the calendar.

I just can’t imagine Schroeder approaching Charlie Brown and informing him that Linus has herpes and releasing this datum just before Christmas. This will be the rerun of A Charlie Brown Christmas for years to come? And Snoopy has fleas but don’t worry, Charlie Brown, the snow will kill them. And right before Milford Basketball Holiday Tournament, o boy.

And who ya gonna call when the ghosts are running rampant in your basement, kitchen, garage, bathroom closet, attic, boiler room, guest room, spare bedroom, wine cellar, in general, where Professor Plum slew the victim with a Knapp butter knife in the conservatory. Ghostbusters? In Milford?

Us Thorp veterans know there’s only one place to go when your toilet’s clogged or your daughter made a mistake. Gil’s office or Gil’s living room, depending on whether the kids are at day care. So P1 is just another day at the office for a man little-qualified to speak on the subject but when the Ghostbusters are in New Thayer zapping the demons off the Girls Softball diamond, Gilbusters it is.

I was befuddled by this message on an air pump at a rural gas station “Please help feed my family”. Just remember, the next time you are at Milford 7-11 airring up your flat tire, you are doing your part to keep a starving family from having to resort to Milford Soup Kitchen. By gum, if that isn’t America, what is? With that in mind

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Billionaire Philanthropist Ebenezer Punchkey To Donate Undisclosed Amount To Milford High School Athletic Fund!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sub headline

“Says at Milford Quarterback Club Kickoff Luncheon that he couldn’t have reached a higher tax bracket without the support of those using his air pumps at the different Milford Circle K locations. Says the quarters deposited in the slots funded his son’s room and board at Yale.”

Come to Knapp’s Convenience Store on Illinois 242, just south of Wayne City, Illinois. I was VERY impressed with how I was treated as a customer and they had customers going in and out all day long. Gang, I’d say they’re pretty darn busy and deserve to be. With great gasoline at great prices, even with inflation hitting our pocketbooks, this store knows how to run a business and it shows in many different ways. Did I tell you about their goodies? WOW. Get ya some, there’s plenty, from chips and sandwiches to cokes and coffee, plus plenty of candy bars for you sweet tooths out there. Take I-64 in Illinois, exit off Exit 100, go north a few hundred feet, and the Knapp’s Shell station is on your left. Baby, you can’t miss it unless you’re legally blind. Support this business, Gang, if you’re in the neighborhood, they deserve your patronage.

Support Small Business. Everybody needs to go where everybody knows your name.

As long as we’re being subjected to flashbacks, a little accuracy is in order. Kyle Gordon looks like Tobias Gordon, not the Flattop criminal with his trademark steamrolled hair, a rogue BTW that Dick Tracy used to pursue all over Milford. Kyle Gordon looked like Don Everly in the 2003 arc as I was rummaging through the panels. I thought that WAS Tobias until I saw the tapered edges indicating we are indeed turning back the clock. And Gil was dressed like a minister, not like the MTV shirt he is wearing in P1 that he evidently dragged out of the dresser drawer 19 years later to wear at The Bucket for the lunch date with Melissa. As long as we have to deal with Linus and his indiscriminate sexual practices resulting in herpes, let’s not have him dressed like Snoopy or Lucy. Accuracy is a plus at this juncture.
Oh, Gil, you look sexy in that priestly garb. Why don’t we elope and start a family?

Uhhhhhhh, no.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Air Pump Industries Takes A Moderate Dip On The Dow Jones This Quarter!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Stocks analysts point to better tire quality and fewer trips to Mudlark Lake Resort.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office, with “Don’t Misunderstand Me” by The Rossington Collins Band being performed by Dr. Pearl on her 1914 Jew’s harp

“Dr. Pearl, I just came in to inform you that True Standish is building a Tudor-style mansion after his air hose-vacuum stand at Milford Kwik-Pik took off. They can’t take enough quarters.”

“That’s grand!!! I always told Mr. Standish in my office to make something of your diploma when football has ended.”

That’s what makes it difficult to take this controversy so seriously, watching Melissa in P2 in her That Girl mode. Okay, so I got careless with Donald Hollinger on my way to an audition at Milford Playhouse. But sheesh, have you been wearing that same MTV shirt for 19 years? You need to worry about your own body before you worry about mine. At least I didn’t wear the same dress for 19 years when I left Brewster, New York, for Broadway. I’ll shop for my own bargains, thank you.

Oh, this has possibilities. Oliver Wendell Douglas doesn’t want to coach anymore so he buys Green Acres right on the Milford Township line and drags Lisa “I faked my Hungarian accent to satisfy Thorpiverse” Douglas along for the venture. Lisa will no longer shop at Times Square in Milford but will have to shop the nearest Wal-Mart in the Valley Conference. Oh, and take Tobias with her. Somebody needs to rake the hay on the cart. You think Gil Wendell Douglas was going to do it? He just bought Green Acres for the stature. It doesn’t mean he was going to drive the plow or send the animals to market. His players did the actual coaching, why not the actual farming?

Seen on the back of the Milford Enquirer

“Do you want to start your own business?

Milford Oil Conglomerates are seeking potential clients to service the air pumps, vacuum cleaners, and buffer machines at all its service station outlets.

Qualified candidates will possess at least a Bachelor’s Degree in Finance, Economics, International Trade, or Business Administration, with preferences given to Masters of Business Administration, particularly from Milford Community College School of Business Science & Industry Management. Classes in Algebra and Plane Geometry helpful and may decide the ideal candidate at the interview.

Must be friendly and personable with experience in management. Must be willing to deal with drive-offs. Must have what it takes to either discharge an employee who fails to live up to company standards or legally confront and issue summons to individuals defacing or impeding the normal operations of the equipment. Retaining an excellent attorney a must.

We offer free medical/dental coverage including free eyeglasses to first 250 applicants, travel expenses per diem/per mile, not including company car, 401(k), Short Term and Long Term Disability, free parking, 10% discount at all Milford Oil Conglomerates locations, plenty of opportunities for advancement in a growing industry.

If you feel you don’t harbor these qualities for a successful career at Milford Oil Conglomerates, let’s not waste each other’s time. Otherwise, call 1-800-PUMP-$$$ to set up an appointment for a career that will lift you to the stars, not to mention out of the convenience store parking lot.”

At the Pearl stately manor one afternoon

“Honey Bunches, Lily Sop, Moptop Mayflower full of Marigold Bliss, what is going out front? Why is Oliver Wendell Thorp riding on a tractor?”

“Oh, I needed somebody cheaper to beautify my lawn. He and Lisa Mimi Thorp will be pulling the weeds in the flowerbed later. I won’t be compelled to drive to the ATM anymore to pay my laborers.”

Why was it not surprising that Controversy of the Week involved an exploding eyeball? Darn, we were going to snap a losing string but it took digging into the vaults to keep the eyes popping out of socket alive and well. Mel might as well be spitting in Coach’s face the way she keeps shooting that eyeball the same way she’d be firing off a six-shooter.

And why is Coach Thorp smiling? Whoa hoss indeed. Oh, I was just laughing at the way Kyle’s Everly Brothers hairdo metamorphed into your future son’s hair. Sometimes going through the time tunnel can induce some glitches. Thank God Kyle didn’t wind up with a Ringo coif. It might have made matters worse. I couldn’t imagine Tobias walking around with a Conway Twitty hairline. What would anybody at the Grand Ole Opry say?

So THAT’S why Coach Thorp was smiling. Kyle Gordon was making a laughable effort to wear hair like Porter Waggoner. Man, put a Breeze towel over your head, Kyle.

Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. To Purchase Air Pump Franchise At Three Milford Circle K’s!!!!!!!!!!!! Sees Potential Upswing During The Recession!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“People needing to inflate that flat tire to get to work, we’ll take America by storm.”

Let me first off say that P3 is said to be a typo that Henry Barajas wanted to clear up which makes sense, given what I read in the original storyline involving Gil, Mel, and Kyle Gordon. Gil never told Melissa to have an abortion, in fact, was doing everything to prevent one, including having her stay at the Thorps to accentuate their concern.

That out of the way, I thought it was funny when Melissa did get situated at the Thorps that later on, she tried to come onto Gil because she had a crush on him. Having been a teacher in a private school, I can say from experience that it happens, TRUST ME. This one girl was so hot and heavy for me, she one day tried to kiss me in the hallway. Anybody who teaches knows that’s the kids of death in the profession. My butt would’ve been shown the door, fired in disgrace. I ALWAYS kept my distance with the kids. You have to. I can honestly say I prided myself on staying on the pedestal because that’s where kids and parents want you. You are a model of authority whether you want to be or not. Face it, I felt uncomfortable rolling in the mud with the masses. Understandably so.

And fortunately Mimi caught on and basically said if I catch you making a move on my husband again, you’ll be sleeping at Milford Shelter House. I looked on the bright side on that one. It could’ve been Corinavirus trying to shove Mimi out of the way for Gil’s hand. At least it was an athlete so sports still remains the topic albeit at a stepchild status.
Look on the bright side. If Gil ever dumps Mimi for Corinna Karenna, they can always hire Nick’s Pizza and Jay’s Subs for the catering at the reception.

“We’ll be back to see if Tobias ever found his mom’s eyeball under the coffee table at the Thorp household after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“I have always had dreams of being a mother but at 878 pounds, this was not in the cards for me. Greetings, this is Mabel Ruth Pearl, granddaughter of Dr. Pearl, and when I was considered breeding stock for the walruses at Milford Petting Zoo, I knew my life had to change.
Thank Heavens the medical team at Milford Liposuction Academy were at the ready to deal with my obesity. They had the knowledge and common sense and the medical equipment to distinguish between when I was pregnant and when I was grossly overweight due to an excess distribution of cheeseburgers.
I had to answer a few questions and I must confess that it was challenging to respond to ‘How long since the last time you opened a bag of Birdseye Frozen Peas?’ I was tempted to answer ‘At the time of Seward’s Folly’ but knew it was sooner than that. I was given a Good Job button for trying.

After I pee’d the equivalent of the South Platte River into a Dixie cup, I was led into a room where they performed a CAT-scan, an MRI, an EKG, a Rorschach Test, Pap smear, 1,563,906 X-rays, some blood tests to check for sickle-cell anemia and whooping cough, colonoscopy, and even checked my pulse. I was Timex and my bed took a licking but I still kept on ticking. They also took my temperature. Important so that you’re not afflicted with fever when you’re attempting to drain the lard off your Gluteus Maximus. I took two Flintstones Chewables and was promptly put to sleep.
My doctor had learned a new procedure where I was injected with a tube that enabled these laser wires to penetrate my abdomen and melt the blubber afflicting my large intestine, small intestine, duodenum, coccyx, parietal gland, sweat gland, spleen, appendix, liver, aorta, bicuspid valve, mitral valve, lower ventricle, carotid artery, coronary artery, medulla oblongata, cerebrum, cerebellum, frontal lobe, temporal lobe, cochlea, retinae, Eustachian tube, optic nerve, vitreous humor, Fallopian tube, tympanic membrane, plus some missed spots in my ulna bone. The laser technology didn’t overlook any details in the Star Wars waged in my person. I could snore in peace.
They also checked for cancer as obesity is sure to be aid and abet this ravaging disease. The technology from the Cancer Divesting Roentgen monitor gave me assurance that those carcinogens weren’t going to engineer unwarranted activity once my weight was subdued and I could put on a jacket without having to borrow the tarp from some Minor League stadium. This mechanism has been board-certified by Milford Oncology Institute and the Milford Chiropractic Alliance so again, I was in La La Land self-assured the Boogie Man wasn’t coming out of the cotton candy machine.
When I awoke, I felt thinner and I was down to 185 pounds. I could actually bend over, doing it privately in case any medical staffer had any ideas of violating their professional ethics. I could slam dunk a Nerfball once again. I could then begin to think about having children. Just think, my kids wouldn’t turn me in to the circus, claiming one of the people elephants escaped again. Life was grand.

But you need not take me at face value. Come to Milford Liposuction Academy and exorcise your own blubber demons and experience the wonders of being light as a feather. As for I, my 2.3 children are waiting on the horizon, just as soon as I make that last payment to the loan officer on my last car. Life will be Cheeseburgers in Paradise indeed.”

Thank you again for understanding. I have found that getting things out in the open is the key to dialogue. Richard Nixon once said that when negotiating SALT settlements with the Soviet Union, if all you talk about is the weather, nothing will get settled. I agree.

God bless you, Gang.

“There she goes again

Walking down the street, My Friend…”

“Mommy, why is that fat lady dancing The Charleston? And what is Velvet Underground?”

“Oh look, Keri, the circus came to town. Use my season pass.”

September 13, 2022

It’s Been A Billion + Over 60 Years For The Rest Of Us.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:24 pm

First off, kudos to Henry Barajas for the plotline involving a more mature Keri and the realistic scenario surrounding her. Typical teenager comes to mind.

That said, I think it’s interesting that we’re returning to The Bucket as the Dumping Site du Jour after spending much time drowning our blues away at Milford Lounge or the Generic Possible Valley Conference City Airport Watering Hole or Coffee Cantina. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t see Gil bitching to Mimi over a Cafe Espresso Cashew Nut Flavored Rhubarb Supreme about Corina Karenna spiking using her pinkie at Coffee Cantina, then Luke Loser y su esposa appear out of the cream potato soup bowl and call Gil a $&@#%*+less loser. Then su esposa kiss the waiter. TWIM has its limitations, Thorpiverse.

And is this what’s going to happen here? Keri unwinding and discussing the highs and lows of the aforeplayed match, then Luke Loser’s son approach Keri and Tobias and say “Keri, daughter of that $&@#^*+less loser, tell that $&@#%*+=less loser that I haven’t forgotten our golf date at Milford Country Club. And tell that $&@#%^+*less loser to make sure the golf cart has a good battery in it. I don’t want the tow truck coming out when I’m chipping in on #9. And I ain’t kissing here. I’ll save that for when my wife kisses the golf attendant’s butt when I’m short on the greens fees. Tell your brother I said ‘Hi’. I ain’t kissing him either.”

Then I am bracing myself for Keri’s comment.

“I’m surprised we won.”

Keri, you have a lot to learn. Aside being the answer to what Keri would look like on a milk carton in an age-progressed photo (answered in P3) , she is obviously oblivious to the last 1,000,000,060 (give or take an eon) years. What team from Milford is EVER going to reach Charlie Brown’s All Star status? Yeah, Milford might lose a few but NEVER is it going to leave Lucy in the outfield instead of at point guard for the Lady Mudlarks or Schroeder at catcher rather than shout obscenities and gibberish like Vic Doucette did a while back. Losing might happen but not if it endangers the existence of Milford. The 7 castaways get rescued and get on with their lives? The ratings would plummet. Yeah, Gilligan becomes a male stripper at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club and The Skipper becomes a bartender at Milford Lounge. The Professor teaches Algebra at the school Coronavirus is attending. Mr. and Mrs. Howell donate $1,000,000,060 to the Milford Athletic Fund. They name the gym Thurston III and Eunice “Lovey” Howell Memorial Family Life And Convocation Hall. Ginger and Luke Loser run off into another conference because Ginger kisses better and Mary Ann becomes a team leader in the Slaughterhouse Department at the Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage plant.

I’m seeing a problem here.

No, Keri, I’m more surprised that Tobias walked in the court on what looked like a match that was just about to finish or had just finished. Then again, maybe not. We’ve had Homo Sapiens taking liberties with game protocols (again, Vic Doucette comes to mind-remember those semi-conversations when Doug “can’t spell NASCAR” Guthrie was playing?) so I really shouldn’t have been shocked when Tobias got dumped by his mom and Tobias had to go SOMEWHERE to barge in, why not a volleyball match? Gil isn’t coaching and it’s Ochoa’s debut. Perfect timing. Now Ochoa may eventually tell Tobias to get off the frickin’ court until the match is over but let’s not rush things. Let’s let Tobias track his muddy shoes on the court, get smacked in the nose by a spike from New Thayer or Goshen, get in the ref’s face over a bad net call, throw popcorn at the Madison server when no one’s looking, then rape Keri in broad daylight, after which Gil and Cami lecture Tobias on proper volleyball fan ethics, sometime in November. It’s not whether you win or lose but how you play the game. Okay, it doesn’t fit but Gil’s had a lot of square-peg-in-round-hole aphorisms before and Cami needs to learn the ropes.

I swear to God, this was on a marquee at some Comfort Inn location

“We are a pet-friendly place. Except for bears. We won’t make that mistake again.”

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Mimi Thorp’s Mother Charged With Misdemeanor At Milford Adult Center-Up North Annex!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Charges will be dropped if promptly attended to. Mimi’s cousin agrees to send his dump truck to haul off damaged contents.”

What is it with the artwork? Okay, we can get adjusted to Keri as a teenager and Jami as in his pre-Clearisil years but no way can I get adjusted to Keri looking like Bazooka Joe chopped up Mort with a machete and Mort telling Bazooka Joe what a cut-up he is. The joke is not only not worth the bubble gum wrapper they printed it on but the violence is a bit out of place, kinda like Tobias dropping in and throwing a chair like Knight did in the Purdue game. Whoa, look out for that office seat whizzing by you, Keri. BTW, wanna go to The Bucket? My treat.
Then has Death made its presence known in P1? Or are they using The Bucket for Pet Shop Boys’ “It’s a Sin” video? I don’t THINK that’s Central’s Volleyball coach. Everybody else looks as if they belong to the Human Race, a bit debatable for a person or two but willing to give the benefit of the doubt if we’re going the Featherless Biped route. I can safely say that that’s a car parked in the parking lot. Mr. Death may need a jump if that’s his car so I left the cables in the trunk.

And I’ll go out on a limb here. That is not The Tennis Racket. Keri, Mr. Death, Tobias the Chair Thrower, et al are at The Bucket. With a capital B.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Avoids Eviction From Milford Luxury Condo Suites!!!!!!!!!! Agrees To Order By Condo Manager!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“He will ship pet bear via Milford Delivery Express to Milford Petting Zoo today.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office, with John Coltrane’s “A Love Supreme” out of her lava lamp on the desk

“I checked with the Valley Conference Commisioner. He said he has no problem with Tobias tripping the Tilden server. It was judged an accident when he dropped the drumstick.”

“I need a report on the findings by this afternoon, Coach Thorp. Make sure it’s notarized.”

And of course, Keri, like the rest of the family gets dubious credit for winning the match. True she made a kill that sealed the match but I’ll need more evidence before we start throwing around MVP effort. But ain’t it like Thorpiverse to watch the slaves pick all the cotton and the plantation owner get Milford Businessman of the Year when he or she was playing golf on the Milford Country Club grounds 99% of the time. Oh, I’ll give them a couple of cotton T-shirts at Christmas to shut ‘em up.
I have no doubt that Keri had something to do with the victory. But I’m not giving her game ball yet.

Besides, what is this with “Sis”? I suppose they’re teammates and teammates support each other but I don’t reckon this particular female will not be sharing bunks in Keri’s bedroom tonight. I realize that the more you hang out with each other, the closer you get and become that much more of a team. I just really don’t think this female will be using Keri’s toothbrush tomorrow or drinking out of Gil’s shot glasses from the Jack in his liquor cabinet. Coach Mimi, can I keep this post card of your mother when she was in a one piece down at Naples Beach in 1896? I think we should take this one slow.

The comedy keeps coming. In my checking out of Roger Miller (“King of the Road-REM did a rendition of that on “Dead Letter Office”) on the Internet, I saw where you could refine your search to “How tall was Roger Miller?”. I have lost valuable sleep over that one. I also refined searches for “What laxative did Ray Price use when he was constipated on tour?” and “What kind of wood was Bill Monroe’s garage made out of?”. Shoot, I’m still waiting for the answer to “Did Coach Thorp date Minnie Pearl before he shipped off to the Marines?” Anyway

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Roger Miller To Appear For One Night At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater On His ‘Dang Me They Ought To Get A Rope And Hang Me For Showing My Face In Mudlarkland’ Tour!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Questions at press conference about his sexual preferences were deferred through his agent.”

The artwork continues to disappoint in P2. No way can you draw Keri as if she were one of Captain Kirk’s enemies on a Star Trek episode. Well, gotta run, I need to go antagonize Dr. Spock and Dr. McCoy some more. Maybe they can remove this tumor on my head.

Really, she could be growing sweet potatoes out of her left ear and I doubt she would notice, given her rapt attention to her Bucket Shake with a straw only a stick figure would slurp out of plus her friend who used the mop head from the janitor’s room to cover the zits on her scalp. I mean, if I wanted to watch Shrek 5: His Marriage With A Bucket Car Hop, I’d have bought the video.

I am going to go out on a limb and say that that’s a Bucket waitress to the left in P2. Not too many volleyball players or conventioneers would wear a back brace when they were ordering Bucket Cole Slaw. I think I’m safe in my prognostication for now. I’m pretty sure Dr. Pearl doesn’t use when she bends down to get to the lower shelves of the file cabinet. I can soldier on.
But dang, those pants are a little high. Is there a flood anywhere? We might have to use Keri’s friend’s mop top to absorb the moisture if it gets down to cases. Drain any excess in Mop Head Girl’s Janitor in a Drum cup. Talk about a tall one. You could stick a whole six-pack in that container.

“…you can’t roller skate in a buffalo herd, but you can show at our match if you put your mind to it…”

“I have a tele-conference meeting with all the Valley Conference principals this afternoon.”

Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Shaw Turned Down As Rhythm Guitarist At Upcoming Roger Miller Concert!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“He had trouble whistling on ‘England Swings’. It might have been the Chic-Lets.”

The close-up in P3 is not much of an improvement. I have dispelled the notion that Keri is a distant cousin to Shrek or Frankenstein (the monster, not the doctor) but still am less and less impressed with the art. I really don’t think it’s a good idea to dump peat moss and/or fertilizer on Tobias or Keri and call that a hairstyle. You’ll be having to pull weeds out of Keri’s hair if this trend continues. At this point, Keri and Tobias are the only humans to hit the Lawn and Gardening Department at Wal-Mart for all their shampoo needs. Forget Head & Shoulders. More like Humus & Compost.
The freak hands make their presence known for the umpteenth time. Keri, if you need a file to eliminate the wrinkles, I heard True Value Hardware was running a sale. The saving grace is the earrings. I think we do have a matching number if you assume the object on her right ear could be a fly that was buzzing around. Then I believe we can call it even.
But what is “heh”. Oh, the joke bombed but Mommy and Daddy told me to fake laughing even if the person’s humor rivaled Dr. Pearl’s opening anecdotes at the Valley Conference Football Media Day. Roll over in laughter and you might even make the varsity.

Gang, these ED commercials keep coming and I keep laughing. Now one place has a urology facility within the ED clinic. Oh joy oh joy, I’m not having sex properly because I can’t urinate straight. I was wondering why I didn’t have any emergency trips to the bathroom when I was munching on a Totino’s Pepperoni. With that in mind

At a Milford Fish & Wildlife Area outhouse

“That’s the tenth cup of water I had!!!!!!!! I oughta be peeing any minute now!!!!!!! I’ll be hornier than the loblolly pines around the entrance!!!!!!!!”

“Honnnnneeeyyyyyyy, I’m horrrnnnnnnyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!! Open the door and let my love groooowwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“I’ve got this door dead-bolted, Mrs. Shaw!!!!!!! I won’t let a chipmunk come in here and watch a man do what he’s got to do!!!!!!!”

“Honey, I know you’re having problems with hardness of the situation but why are you at an outhouse where all the mosquitos are buzzing on the screen?”

“Woman, you are WRONG!!!!!!!!!!! I do not have ANY problems with my best friend rising to the occasion!!!!!!!!! All it needs is TLC like you do when you water your plants and talk to them.”

“Darling, except I don’t think it’s a good idea to talk to your wee wee or feed it plant food.”

“But if I eat eight bowls of chili and some cinnamon pancakes and a dab of Frank’s Hot Sauce and wash it down with a ton of water, I’ll be crying me a river and driving home the point, all under the sheets!!!!!!!”

“I was wondering why there were Dasani bottles all around the outhouse.”

“By gum, Mrs. Shaw after I devour this take-out order from The Diner of Meat Loaf Au Jus w/ Mashed Potatoes Smothered In Gravy & Mayonnaise plus some Rhubarb Cobbler a la Mode, I’ll be stinkin’ up the outhouse with poop and thereby freeing my urinary tract and I’ll be on my way to Sexual Nirvana. I understand it’s how the Hindu religion gets released from that merry-go-round they’ve been ridin’ on since the Holy Wars. If the facility reeks, it’s a good sign my best friend has been liberated.”

“Wheeeewwwww!!!!!!!!! I think he got set free twenty minutes ago.”

“Ya see???? It works!!!!!!!! Give me another hour and you can do log roll contests on my best friend. I still have a Cheese Hamburger Helper plate to finish up so I can nuke the wildlife area with my flatulations.”

“They may cause some animals to go extinct.”

“Oh well, I was going to hunt ‘em anyway. Now clear out so I can swallow this turnip salad and continue my quest for conquests.”

“Wheewwwwwww!!!!!!!!! I shall not argue. BTW, the Park Ranger is closing the gates in ten minutes.”

“What could I do? I dumped the turnip salad down the well, zipped my pants, and headed out before I got trapped with the rest of the coyotes. But I still had a problem. Milford Men’s Clinic showed me how to overcome my problems without having to eat the Blue Plate Special at K-Mart. With proven treatments by competent staff members, isn’t it time you skipped the cafeteria line and got your butt down to The Clinic. Get your best friend working for you with having to take Rolaids, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

That’s the 1,000,000,001th time I have had to tell you, Keri doesn’t look like Pat Benatar. Keri may join a band one day but one volleyball match at a time.

But God bless you, Gang.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford City Ordinance Enforces Code At Thorp Household!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The bear feces in the front yard were getting harder not to notice.”

At Milford Nudist Colony

“Mommy, why is Dr.Pearl wearing roller skates and dancing with Daddy? And who’s Roger Miller?”

“Uhhhhhh, here Keri, here’s a volleyball. Go practice your digs some more on the wall out back.”

September 8, 2022

Serving More Than Aces, That’s The Milford Way.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 2:20 pm

What is this, I was just making jokes about Divorce Court but it appears as if Thorpiverse is serious to the task.

This is truly reduced to the absurd. We were used to the Thorps living on Penny Lane but Mama Mimi makes it sound like they are destitute with poverty of groceries and/or love. With a smile on her face? More on that later.

To proudly take the baton from Teenchy, we’re apparently taking liberties with “up north”. No, I didn’t think Mimi Senior lived in an assisted care facility just shy of the North Pole but north is north. Say, for argument’s sake, that Milford was based upon the town in Connecticut. Common sense will tell you that Mimi Senior wasn’t living on the Equator nor living in a senior citizen center next to an alligator pit in the Everglades.
But neither did I think Mimi Senior was sharing an apartment north of Nome, Alaska with an Inuit senior citizen. She didn’t go whale-hunting with the rest of the Nome AARP crowd. She didn’t have season tickets for the Iditarod races. No, some halfway house in Vermont where you could see Mt. Mansfield (highest point) out the window when brushing your teeth in the morning or some suburb of Boston where you rode with the rest of the octogenarians on the Underground Metro to the Celtics game and even got an autographed basketball from Larry Bird or Paul Silas, that was the more believable scenario.
But Milford Adult Care Center? What is THAT up north from? What frame of reference? The Adult Care Center is up north from Milford Petting Zoo? Coffee Cantina? The tackling dummies on the practice field gathering rust in the winter? Okay, we’re allowing for leeway but it’s like telling the kids they’re going up north to meet Santa and then hauling them to the Adult Center rec room and where some 97-year-old bachelor dons a Santa outfit he bought at a garage sale, the elves played by the Adult Center cafeteria staff. Kind of a letdown, if you ask me.
I think it’s safe to say nobody from Milford Adult Care will go skinny-dipping at midnight at the same beach where Keri and Jami were frolicking. If you see an Uber at 11:57PM, you know where it’s headed.

This is interesting. I read a notice in a magazine where Volkswagen and Audi were targets of a lawsuit, chiefly because airbags manufactured by Takata Corporation would spray metal bits when the airbags inflated. Customers who bought a VW or Audi between 2016 and 2021 were entitled to a settlement. Volkswagen denied any fault and given their history of excellent customer satisfaction, I could see their point. Be that as it may,

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Mimi Thorp Suing Subaru and Milford Subaru Dealership After Last Trip To Her Mother At Milford Senior Living Solutions, Inc.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I realize my mother drinks a lot to calm her nerves but the martini shouldn’t have been caught in the air bag.”

You almost want to believe that Mimi Senior is sending coal to Mimi NOW to decorate the stocking. You want me to sign here, UPS driver? When I was a girlie-girl, Mama not only put reindeer poop in my stockings, she made me take down the Christmas tree after I opened all my presents. And “presents” was loosely defined. Mommy Dearest gave me toothbrushes made out of the bristles off the Christmas tree and fruit cake shipped from some oven in Siberia. No Raggedy Ann dolls were next to the lumps of coal. Then she made me shovel the snow with her measuring spoons. White Christmas wasn’t any fun.
Geez, no wonder why Mimi has freak hands. All that shoveling.
We’re not getting a good first impression of Mimi Senior, are we?
Phooey on being afraid of Santa. How did Mimi learn to golf growing up with Mommy Dearest? She did knuckle push-ups before putting drills? Licked the dirt off of Mama’s golf cleats after a round on the back nine? Ran laps around the beach? There’s a lot you aren’t telling us, Mimi.

Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Advised By Judge Ito To Bring More Documentation At Next Court Date; Mercedes-Benz Legal Team To Fax A Rebuttal!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Cochran’ll send the pictures of the dog poop flying’ out of the airbag, by hook or by crook.”

At Milford Adult Center with The Stampeders “Sweet City Woman” blaring at the MAC Bowling Tournament

“Mimi!!!!!! Arch and a spin!!!!!!! You’ll never pick up a spare throwing like a baboon!!!!!!!”

“Mom, What worked shooting free throws won’t work getting a split.”

I am thoroughly confused. When were they UNHAPPY? I have been reading Gil since I was knee-high to Gil’s hair and even before they married, they were on excellent terms. Nothing romantic, you understand, just no more than they would say in the faculty lounge.

I remember when Gil thought some other gentleman was making a move on Mimi right under Gil’s nose and it just tore at Gil. It was affecting how he was coaching (basketball, in this case) and it finally took Tod Andrews when he was still Gil’s assistant to tell Gil to get his head out of his butt. But that’s the extent of the prolonged discontent that I recall.
It’s interesting to observe Gil and Mimi at The Bucket (I’m confident this photo was not taken at The Olive Garden) or Mimi and Keri with Gil (maybe) disguised as Santa. Okay, things were okee-dokee when Santa gave Jami a train set and Keri a Barbie Doll set. And maybe even better when Santa asked Mimi for a quickie before Mimi put the turkey in the oven, although it was probably best not to announce that in front of the kids.
So what happened? Gil and Mimi engaged in a cat fight at Milford Adult Center? For what purpose? Because Gil spends more time with his football team than Mama Mimi’s shuffleboard team? It looks like we’re grasping at straws for drama. Why does the word “divorce” appear more than the word “football”? I mean, you want a soap opera where the night judge appears more than the children, check out Apartment 3-G. This is sports, y’all. I’ll even take Mama Mimi seeded #14 in the Checkers Tournament before I am forced to listen to Mimi singing karaoke “Stand By Your Man” at Milford Lounge.
This is gonna get ugly and we didn’t see it coming because it never came in the past. But maybe Roy Gillen stole Gil’s hub caps and Gil cussed out Mimi at dinner in frustration. I might have been in the hospital at the time.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp To Reach Out-Of-Court Settlement With BMW To Avoid Court Costs!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I still think they need to replace the stereo speakers. I about ruined my eardrums when I was playing ‘Kaw-Liga’ by Hank Williams.”

At the Milford Gym

“Coach Ochoa, did you apply yet for an IRA at a Milford Federal?”

“Mimi, this is my first year and your mom is still alive in Labrador.”

Half-joking, my left toe, Mama Mimi. Don’t start raising a stink where there was really never any poop. Oh, there’s reindeer droppings in the carpet. Would you go get some Renuzit Fresh Cinnamon and some Kaboom! Carpet Cleaner? And a spade shovel because my dust pan got accidentally pitched down the trash compactor? Oh, Mimi, girl, you know I’m only half-joking.

And while we’re at it, Mama Mimi, don’t start reindeer poop when we’re not sure there is any in the ash tray. It’s like the story about Mimi being half-pregnant. That’s right, Gil, I’m half-expecting Keri to be born any day. If not, I’ll call Corina Karenna for any ideas for a replacement. Or ask Coach Ochoa after her DUI court appearance.
C’mon, Mama Mimi, nobody gets half-divorced. Like what’s going to happen, Gil get served the papers on half an 8 x 11 & 1/2 memo? Explain that one to the judge. Sorry, Your Honor, only half the copier was running today. I’ll call the Ricoh man tomorrow. Mama Mimi, you’re raising a stink when there appears to be only half the reindeer poop in the ash tray. Shoot, just dump the contents in the garbage bag, throw the bag in the trash for pickup up front and get on with it. And don’t forget to get half those case briefs to Cochran. You’re getting Alzheimer’s in your advanced years.

If yore 4-wheel drive spews out buck shot from the air bag cuz ya forgot ta vacuum the front landing area when ya ran tha coin vacuum cleaner at Milford Car Wash, ya might be a redneck.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Rejects Latest Settlement With Mercedes-Benz!!!!!!!!!! He And Cochran Plan To Pursue The Case!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“That dog poop didn’t halfway spit out of the glove compartment. Not when I got it all over my jogging suit.”

Is it me or does Mama Mimi look like Barney Rubble’s mom in another life? She must have been the middle linebacker for the Mudlarks when the Allies forced the Nazis to surrender. And damn, them hands. I keep saying it, is this the sequel to “Tarantula!!!!!!”? Oh look, it’s halfway eating Mimi because it didn’t get enough crickets in its diet.

And serving the papers? Barney’s mom, I realize Mimi was thinking about going pro on the LPGA circuit but that’s no reason for Mimi to go up north to the Milford Adult Center and ask who’d be a good divorce attorney to call. It looks like we’re jumping from Brisbane to Brasilia. Like have you been entertaining these notions while working on your backhand in shuffleboard? Damn, Barney’s mom, you definitely need to get out more. What’s the phone conversation going to entail? Mimi, would you like to come up north today? I need to go to the grocery store, get my nails done, walk the dog, and talk to Joe Sharkey about your subpoena. Be sure to brake for the Iditarod sledders on the way up. And eat all your vegetables. You’ll be stronger that way when you tee off.

“We’re about to get the first serve underway. We’ll be back to see if Gil shouldn’t quit his day job because he bombed at this day job after these messages. I’d bet money that Coach Ochoa may be the last person standing. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Oh, that Marty is a comedian. He shouldn’t quit HIS day job because I was volleyball captain for 23rd Battalion Regiment 342 Platoon 15 Troop 97 Section 607 when I was stationed at Iwo Jima. We were whuppin’ butt when we weren’t blasting the enemy in the Pacific Theater. We needed a break from the war every now and then.

But I’m not here to talk about Marty when he went Benedict Arnold on us and become a field commander at some army depot in Osaka. Milford Beverage Warehouse is feeling the heat after terrifying news that many of our customers drive Nissans, Toyotas, Saabs, Peugeots, Triumphs, well, I think you get the picture. I’m not going to list all the models and makes here in the phone book. And this coach, Coach Thorp, just couldn’t stand idly by while some schmuck got hit with candy bar bits when his air bag was engaged and he had to be carried off in an ambulance after purchasing some Jack and Lay’s Sour Cream at The Warehouse. What a waste of Milford Beverage Warehouse Visa Platinum.
That’s why I am proud to announce that the ownership at Milford Beverage Warehouse share my deep concerns and are engaging in a new promotion “Save Before You Sue” campaign. No sense in calling Joe Sharkey or any other defense attorney off the bulletin board here at The Warehouse before you could have bought Michelob Ultra and Milford Vending Cheese-Enriched Pork Rinds at a discount. It’s no fun walking into court with that on your conscience.
Wherefore, the next time you purchase Jim Beam Kentucky Straight Lime Flavored Bourbon Whiskey at the ridiculous $23.99, you will not only get a free can of Le Sueur Peas w/Onion Balls out of the grocery section, you will be given a voucher for a visit to your local attorney should your trunk explode when you open it to put away the hard-earned merchandise at The Warehouse. Just make sure your writing hand doesn’t get blown off so you can dial the numbers but we’ll have EMT’s on call for any problems.
And we have heard the stories about Dodge Rams pissing up a storm when the driver slammed on the brakes and the air bag billowed out. Let me tell you, I wouldn’t want the steering wheel spraying urine on me when I got done buying a 15-Pak 12-Ounce Braxton Garage Beer and some mints because Milford Motel 6 didn’t have any in the lobby. I have peace of mind self-assured with this written affidavit in my hand with every purchase of Braxton Garage Beer or Coors Light. Shoot, I’ll show ol’ Shark the evidence and the affidavit and he best be calling the insurance company for Dodge. If the Coors Light on the coffee table in the lobby of his office isn’t enough to convince him that I mean business, buying the Armour Hot Dogs I bought along with my Coors and placed on the National Geographic rack won’t help. I’ll get a notary to seal the deal.
And that lawsuit from the Saab drivers that occurred recently over in Luke Loser’s neck of the woods? If they had known about the purchase of Sauvignon Blanc du Jour de l’Annee 1869 dans la Citte du Paris avec la Moutarde Plongee dans l’Eau de les Toillettes at a rock-bottom $15.29, they would have been informed that they can get free legal advice from a pamphlet about car defects that accompanied their purchase. Don’t get caught with your pants down literally when your Maserati blows a tire because the assembly line at the Maserati plant got their tires mixed up with Schwinn. Nobody wants to be in an ambulance after the car smashed into a utility pole and an ambulance-chasing lawyer is handing his business card to the paramedic to give to you. Go home with your wine and legal ammunition and head to Milford Firestone when you get the chance.

Folks, The Warehouse can’t make it any easier. Get your booze and chips and drive knowing there’s a team behind you and I don’t mean those pack of mules that graze in Marty Moon’s neighbor’s yard and tell ‘em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

No, Gang, Mama Mimi doesn’t remind me of Rodney Dangerfield’s mom. She’s wearing glasses.
But God bless you anyway.

At Milford Adult Center

“Mommy, Grandma said some old man who lives here wants to share his Jack Daniels with her. Who’s Jack?”

“Uhhhhhhhh, here, Keri, here’s plenty of quarters. Go get you some Cokes in the Adult Center break room.”

At Milford Superior Court

“Judge Ito, the steering wheel was spouting a liberal amount of cow urine. It’s a wonder Mr. Simpson didn’t call Milford Health Department.”

September 6, 2022

I Double-Checked The Milford Enquirer Sports Briefs Section To Make Sure She Graduated.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:13 pm

I thought I was getting senile. When I saw Cami Ochoa’s name, I knew I had seen it before. When I did some amateur research, I suddenly remembered that for this past Girls Basketball season, she was promoted to varsity from the JV on the Mudlark Girls Basketball team. In fact, she eventually wound up bunking Hollis Talley for PT, the so-called captain of the Girls team. Look, SOMEBODY needed to pick up the slack in the home stretch of the 5-game season and take charge ON THE COURT and Ochoa clearly matched that description. Oh, eventually, Hollis did some bunking herself, wrenching Cathy Sasaki’s job at guard to save face when Cami was figuratively dunking on Hollis’ face as well as on the faces of the opposition. But that’s akin to Gil bunking Mimi today only because she is (supposedly-didn’t see any suitcases in the front yard) visiting her mother. Gil has no business coaching a sport for which he has nada experience but like Hollis, just blow the whistle and point fingers at a few people and hope to God nobody notices you have no clue what the heck you’re talking about.
Anyway, when I saw Cami’s name and saw “Coach” appended to it, I’ll admit I was stupefied. I knew Gil and Mimi always had somebody available when both were persona non grata and down at the links telling Luke Loser to stick it where somebody shanks it in the rough but NEVER did I think they would call their replacement “Coach”. And still in high school? Yes, the convicts have been running the prison for God-knows-how-long but nobody ever called The Joker “Warden”.
But then I remembered, we are in a time warp and Gil and Mimi are now 254 years old and the kids have grown. I used deductive logic plus I remembered from algebra that equals added to equals were equal themselves. So if 194 was added to 60 to get to the aforementioned 254, I had to add 194 to Cami’s 16 years of existence (normal age of a sophomore) to get 210 years of age. I’m pretty sure that’s a record for oldest coach in the Valley Conference in any sport. Gil still holds the record for Valley Conference’s oldest most incompetent coach. Well, scratch that, he may break that record this year in Volleyball. Heck, Cami may bunk Gil. I mean, in ANY sport. Time will tell.
Therefore, I can say with an air of confidence that Cami has graduated, Hollis is running suicide missions for the Air Force, occasionally chewing out the pilots for spiking the punch at the USAF Christmas Banquet, and Cathy is the field supervisor at the Milford Valley vineyards. I don’t know what happened to Pranit Smith. Last I heard, he and Carson Hendry were on the Milford Municipal Lottery Commision.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Pranit Smith Filing Discrimination Suit Against Milford Lounge!!!!!!!! Joe Sharkey To Take The Case!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I don’t know why the bartender keeps carding me. Don’t I look 235???? At least in the face????”

It may be Volleyball but the scenery discrepancies never leave the planet. It’s great that the Tall Girl can block in P1 but she is nowhere near the person about to return the volley with her set shot. Man, didn’t they have a clinic for this? Somebody is that out of line with the return shot and nobody noticed that over the summer? Is she related to Gregg Hamm? She has to have her seeing-eye dog with her when she’s blocking a spike? And again, the spiker must also be related to The Hamster because, though she has found a hole in the defense, it’s by default. You don’t spike 3-pointers towards Coach Ochoa’s head. We don’t have any documented evidence that Coach Ochoa played volleyball for the Mudlarks but let’s not bury this one with an errant shot with Ochoa cold on the floor. Gil take over the JV’s? We still are in the dark on Ochoa’s high school volleyball career? Too many questions and no coaching. Recipe for disaster, if you ask me.
And I will laugh if Gil requests that the other Valley Volleyball team take it easy on them. Dammit, Goshen, extend the Mercy Rule to this 254-year-old man. And don’t aim at Gregg’s glasses when you’re spiking.

Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Anticipates Smooth Transition When Coaching Daughter In Mudlark Volleyball !!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I won’t cut off her allowance yet if she misses a dig. I’ll keep Coach Ochoa late for Bomb-and-Recover drills. I gave Coach my spare key.”

BAM!!!!!!!! WHAP!!!!!!!!!! SPLAT!!!!!!!!

“HAMM!!!!!!!!!! That’s not how you execute a kill!!!!!!!!! At least quit spiking towards the drinking fountain!!!!!! How we gonna take water breaks????”

Us Thorp fans knew it was just a matter of time before Gil was going to coach one of his own. Sam Alford coached Steve at New Castle, Indiana (made it to the State Semi-Finals under the one-class system) , Bob Knight coached Patrick at Indiana, face it, it happens. And having experienced it a little myself, any familial feelings you have gets exorcised by an intense desire to win. I made my nephew aware of that, anyway. He was just another player to me when we stepped between the lines and was well aware he had better bring his game. A coach is a fool to think otherwise and soon to lose his job.

But if anybody had told me that this would be the path pursued to broach the Coach-Daughter connection, I would have said you have been snorting too many volleyballs. Coach Thorp takes over because Mimi is taking a sabbatical to Mama and Coach Ochoa becomes an assistant after majoring in the sport for 83 years (you do the math, I get all confused on these age progressions) ? There’s a lot you can learn from an 157-year-old coach, Keri. I’ve been at this sport for 101 years. Let me show you the ropes.
Mopman brings up an excellent point in that shuffling I’m sure is a common piece of terminology in volleyball much like “sprint and recover” is many times used in cross country. I also see Frank’s point, Gil throwing around terminology like he used to spike the ball down those Commies’ throats when he was in the Marine Corps is a bit laughable. What’s he going to tell Tall Girl if she shoots a spike into the azaleas out back? Sprint and recover? Keri blows a dig and the whole crowd boos her mercilessly, is Gil going to tell her “two hands and squeeze”? “Look it all the way into the tuck”? Heck, Gil couldn’t even tell Gregg that last one, what makes Gil think he’ll be more successful throwing around cliches in a sport he has two left brains for? Come on, Gregg, two eyes and squeeze.

That’s right, Keri, the Viet Cong had us on the ropes at Da Nang. Then I aced the serve by putting a little twist on the ball and those VC terrorists ran for cover. The Tet Offensive was complete. What happens when you aim for the glove.

At the Battle of Gettysburg just before Pickett’s Charge

“Let’s establish our perimeter game and spread out the defense.”

“What if they still pack it in low?”

“Sprint and recover. Don’t forget your canteen.”

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. To Take Over Reins As Coach For Milford Elementary Girls Track!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I knew how to run when I was at USC. Shoot, I can point them 3rd-graders to the end zone and all they have to do is keep your hands on the luggage.”

FWEET is somewhat believable, given that many whistles tweet that way. It’s just a strange bedfellow arrangement whenever Gil is blowing the whistle in uncharted territory. He might as well be FWEETing for Milford Go-Kart Racing Squad. What’s he going to do when the pit crew forgot to change a tire, FWEET the play dead and start over? Have Coach Cami come on and show Doug the NASCAR Dude the proper way to jack up a tire? Teach Jami to watch the distributor all the way to the bat? FWEET!!!!!!! Dang it, Jami, if the clutch plate is close, you swing!!!!!!!

This is getting more inane by the panel. There’s a term in logic called Reductio ad Absurdum. You guessed it, reduced to the absurd. It’s a way to win an argument by exposing a blatant contradiction in your opponent’s argument. I couldn’t think of a better way of reducing this to the ridiculous and exposing a contradiction than for Gil to be announced as the volleyball coach at the Valley Conference opener.
I’ll FWEET to that.

At the archeological excavation site adjoining the Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Industries property

“Professor!!!!!!!! We turned up a valuable find!!!!!!! And Smithsonian Institution called begging for the rights of ownership!!!!!!!”

“The Leakey Foundation will be pleased to know. What is it?”

“Coach Thorp’s jock strap!!!!!!! It was carbon-dated to 1961.”

If ya dig in yore back yard and turn up that knife ya buried from yore friends back when ya wuz a young ‘un ta keep ‘em from rattin’ on ya when ya tore up ol’ Suzie’s skirt as a prank, ya might be a redneck.

Coach Ochoa (I think I’m safe to call her that after a background check) , you ought to know by now that asking questions like the one you posed is pretty frickin’ stupid. After 313 years and that’s not in dog years, did you really expect Mimi, or Gil for that matter, to hit the ground running at the beginning of the season and TAKE CHARGE???? Throwing around Volleyball lingo you read on p.54 in Volleyball For Dummies and FAPPING your whistle doesn’t count. I could FAP when I take my Ford pick-up to the car wash.
And what does Gil mean by “up north”? Is Mama Mimi sharing an apartment with Coronavirus and keeping it tidy while C-Virus is at softball practice? They split 50-50 on the rent? Does Mimi Senior own a condo in Chicoutimi, Quebec? Mimi Junior better bring along a French dictionary. Shopping at a Wal-Mart and hearing about Rollback Specials on a DVD player or women’s lingerie in French or long john doughnuts in the Bakery Department can be a challenge (trust me, I speak from experience) . If Mimi Senior was able to get Folgers at the Wal-Mart price, it’s because she guarded that Langenscheidt French Dictionary in her shopping cart with her life.
Maybe Gil meant the North Pole. Mimi Senior lives in an igloo on a time-share lease. There was a similar program on Melville Island but the bank didn’t approve the collateral.
Who in the world FAPs? Only inexperienced coaches who really need to get their butts out to the football field and leave the actual volleyball coaching to I Once Knocked Tattletale Talley Out Of A Job. When your tire blows, it doesn’t FAP. When Mimi Senior has eaten too many Spaghetti O’s from the Chicoutimi Wal-Mart Rollback Special on Franco American products and thereby contracts a lot of gas in her abdomen, she doesn’t release it by taking lots of Alka-Seltzer and FAPPING. A bear doesn’t FAP in the woods. Let’s cease this Concoct Noises When We’ve Run Out Of BAM or WHACK Or The Other Sound Effects When Batman Is Kicking The Joker’s Butt concept and devise some more realistic. Nobody FAPS when they open their mail.

And when is Mimi going to return, like FAPmeister had a legitimate answer. Heck, he about lost his whole family when Gil wasn’t FAPPING enough in bed. Geez, no wonder why his sex life sucks.

“We’ll return after these messages to see if Mimi comes home or opts to stay and help her mom wash Laplander clothes after a reindeer hunt for a living after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“I’m sorry, Dr. Pearl, your vehicle loan fell through. You were deemed incapable of making payments due to your advanced age.”

“WHAT???? I am only 23 centuries old. I just went skinny-dipping in Mudlark Lake with my husband and the great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandkids.”

Heard somewhere in the bank

“I’d call The Shark!!!!!!! My husband sued Milford Foundry when they said he was too old to drive a forklift. The Shark fought mandatory retirement and my husband is back on his job with his back pay and a new assignment to haul rocket parts to Cape Canaveral.”

“The lengths some financial institutions will go to deny what another human being is legally entitled to by law. Just because my client was a guppy out of water when she witnessed Joan of Arc crossing the Alps to defeat Hannibal and the rest of his elephants does not mean she was too old to keep up payments on an SUV. I fought to get her the money she deserved even if I had to resort to exposing some unethical sexual practices of some of the jury members. Who cares if they occurred when they were a junior in high school after final exams? I kept my ethics and wore a chastity belt when I took my SAT’s. Fair is fair.”

“I received $682,056,175 from Milford Teachers Federal Credit Union and I took some of that money to make payments on a Ford F-150 and establish credit. I drive it to work and Mr. Dr. Pearl uses it to drive the grandkids to events like Easter egg hunts and sack races at Milford Senior Citizen Center socials. The kids put the potato bags in the truck bed and listen to Grateful Dead on the way to Dairy Queen Peanut Buster Parfait Mix and Match Specials. I could have used this mode of transportation at Antietam. No matter. Thank you very much, Mr. Shark.”

“You heard the venerable Dr. Pearl. If she can fight age discrimination and still be able to attend the William McKinley Presidential Convention, you can too. But don’t wait. Make your claim today. Don’t miss the deadline because it’s against your religion to turn in notarized statements after 6:00AM on Sunday to Milford Municipal Clerk’s Office. I guarantee you, places like Milford Foundry and Milford Federal coerce some struggling law school student to prepare a brief as part of his or her doctorate’s thesis. Don’t get your hand caught in the FedEx dispenser at the Milford Wal-Mart right beside the Salvation Army drop box. Call Joe Sharkey at 1-FON-THE-JAWS. One call, that’s all.”

Gang, a zebra does too FAP in the woods. How do you think it got it’s stripes? Don’t you read Childcraft?

But God bless you anyway.

At the Milford gym at volleyball practice with Grateful Dead’s “Sugar Magnolia” playing over the intercom

“Keri, dammit, don’t serve underhanded. That’s the 5th one that got caught in the rafters. Right through the tire. Let’s try again.”

Late one night at the Pearl residence



“Hello? I’m sorry, she’s in the shower. No problem, I’ll have her call you. Henry Cabot Lodge? Is that with two T’s?”

September 1, 2022

I Won’t Wet The Seats Like My Brother Did.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:35 pm

As Mimi and Jami are headed down the aisles to renew their wedding vows, we are still getting our eyes adjusted to the Milford Middle School, or perhaps Milford Elementary School, atmosphere in which Jami evidently will be immersed. I am leaning closer to middle school, 5th-6th gradish, but hey, you debate amongst yourselves on this one.
I don’t blame Thorpiverse for fast-forwarding the age progression and still keeping it reasonable. We weren’t ready for Gil to receive his 18th Coach of the Year obsidian trophy and getting heckled by Luke Lush in the 18th row at Milford Convention Center in the same year that Jami was getting his Ph.D. in Art Philosophy from Milford Community College. Yeah, we might have had to apply the brakes if Keri was married with 7 kids and the third youngest child needed braces and Nana Mimi was taking the two older ones to practice on the way to Mimi’s own Volleyball Seminar in Mudlark Gym. Okay, they are past “See Spot Chew Gil’s Pants Off” at Milford Pre-School and “How many deflated basketballs from Mimi’s Summer Basketball Clinic can you count in the picture?” in the same facility. But let’s keep everybody under the same roof for now. No slumber parties at Tiki Jensen’s Hooverville estate.

I flunked geometry but I still remember “across” meaning one classroom on the other side of the hallway from another classroom. And if Jami is referring to the classroom where all the Shiny Blobby People are debating the Federalist-versus-Democrat-Republican issue with a vengeance (“Thomas Jefferson was a tax-and-spend Liberal”, “Alexander Hamilton gave more tax breaks to the rich than the number of trees at his duel with Burr”) , ACROSS FROM WHAT???? They’re walking down the hallway!!!! Remember that long table in the Flintstones episode where Fred is staying overnight with Barney at this haunted mansion (I think so Fred can get this inheritance from this eccentric uncle) ? Would that long table extend from one Shiny Blobby classroom to the other? Hard to tell, the camera is only shooting towards one end. If you hear Fred’s uncle howling on the other end, you’ll should be able to pinpoint Jami’s old stomping grounds.

Maybe they were using mirrors. The other classroom is at a 45 degree angle to the Shiny Blobby People. Okay, that’s the boys bathroom but let’s not split hairs. Jami is only in 6th grade plus he has the extra burden of sitting next to a brother of a bed-wetter and you hope it doesn’t run (literally) in the family. There’s margin for error.

I am amazed by this article about putting garlic in your toilet to render it less health-hazardous. I have finally found a way to sanitize my bathroom by using McCormick’s Spices. The answer was right under my nose.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Dr. Pearl In Critical Condition In The ICU At Milford General Hospital After Late Night Pneumonia Attack!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Hospital Spokesperson: ‘We had strongly advised Dr. Pearl to utilize a generous portion of oregano in the commode seat to repel harmful protozoa swimming in the water and around the flotation device.”

I swear, some parents are cruel to their kids. How in the world can anyone justify their kids wearing a steaming iron for footwear like in P1? Like that’s that the latest in kids’ fashions. Don’t throw out that GE iron appliance that flattened more Arrow shirts than Eddie Rickenbacker shot down planes just yet, Grandma. Your granddaughter has a hole in her Nike sneakers and school is in session. The other one is wearing wooden shoes and that’s passable. As long as they have the Puma label and it passes the Milford School Dress Code, we should be fine.
But beware of The Blob, Jami. It creeps. And seeps. And just ate half your classroom.

In Dr. Pearl’s office where The Cars “Bye Bye Love” blasts from her loudspeakers and her dentures

“Dr. Pearl!!!!!!! You’re back!!!!!! Wonderful!!!!! They said you would be in the hospital for weeks!!!!”

“Thank you. The doctor gave me a prescription for nutmeg and Lysol; oh, and to avoid public restroom facilities for two weeks if they aren’t disinfected with garlic.”

If ya have yore kiddies wearin’ the same combat boots that yo mama used to wear that caused all yore own buddies ta say yore mama wears combat panty hose along with them boots, ya might be a redneck.

Now I don’t want to hear it about Mimi taking her son to school. My sister dropped her kids off at the middle school forever and was heavily involved in their activities, assemblies, and education. Mama droppin’ off her boy at school was normal from my neck of the woods, anyhoo.
I just think it’s comical that two days before, Mimi and Gil were in Rob and Laura Petrie mode and the future of the kids was in serious doubt. Suddenly, it’s Picture Day and Gil and Mimi might get more intimate tonight. Take another one for the PTA scrapbook if we want to do more under the sheets than count the bed bugs. And we’re going to get kinky with whips and chains if we’re reading Jami’s and Keri’s bio. Looks like everything is back to normal. Gil and Rob will sidestep the ottoman at the intro this evening. Oh, and the crying. A veritable sign that things will improve come bed time. Bend over, Mimi. See? This whole Luke Will Sidestep Gil After Everybody Has Tried For 60 Years was just a front. Gil and Mimi will be in each other’s arms before you can say Shiny Blobby People.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Serves A Written Summons To Milford Luxury Condos!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I told the janitor to use a brush and Arm & Hammer Baking Soda and some Earl Grey Tea Leaves on the mold growing around the shower head but it went through one ear and out the other.”

At Milford Middle School

“Excuse me but have you seen my mom?”

“She may have been swallowed up by The Blob but we haven’t received word yet from the EMT.”

When Mimi broaches the subject of masks in P2, I am led to believe she has COVID-19 in mind. Otherwise, I’m having nightmares of Junior Bedwetter sitting next to Mr. Wrestling #2. Like father, like son. Jami, how many times have I told you to put your Assassin #1 mask in your backpack? Put it under your peanut butter sandwiches so you don’t lose it. And be a front-seater. And don’t slouch. Remember, you’re the company you keep.

Or he could be toting a Goofy mask in his backpack. Handy when you are in the teacher’s doghouse after you flunked the algebra quiz and you hope she doesn’t figure out your whereabouts. Droopy masks will work just as well. You can even use it when you’re sizing up the teacher and you don’t want the rest of the classroom to notice. Foghorn Leghorn masks have all kinds of usages.

Maybe it’s a gas mask. Sometimes the teacher may have flatulation control problems and you not only don’t want to get grossed out, it cuts down on health hazards. And it adds a nice The Wall touch. Are there any schmucks unwilling to curb their gas, get ‘em up against the wall. Are there any Gils who have no sex when they’re in bed, get ‘em up against the wall.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Mayor’s Message To The City: ‘Any Citizen Unwilling To Sanitize With Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, And Thyme Will Be Frisked Against The Wall.”

sub headline

“Milford Health Department reports a sharp decline in complaints in regards to residential toilet usage.”

We may laugh at this NOW but P3 makes me wonder if this is the harbinger for future dialog between Jami and Luke (not to be confused with his dad with the worst goatee this side of the Western Hemisphere) . As in, will they become mortal enemies and trade barbs like their fathers are presently doing? So far, so good, but there’s still a lot of road to hoe. Luke hasn’t flirted with the teacher nor asked for a tequila with his bologna sandwich, so maybe Luke will be a first-rate individual who doesn’t shave with the garden rake as per his father. Hey, Jami is saying all the right things like HIS dad which will come in handy when BS’ing his way out of a pop quiz.

But then I wonder: What in the name of Tod Andrews is Luke Martinez Junior doing at Milford Middle School if his Badly-Bearded-Worse-Than-Bluto father is coach/athletic director at Valley Tech? It looks like district lines are getting gerrymandered worse than the boundaries when the SSR Republic broke up. So Keri goes to Milford except on Friday when she gets bussed to Valley Tech and Jami goes to Valley Tech Middle School on days with multiples of 3 and Luke Loser teaches PE at Milford when the cow jumps over the moon and Mimi gets contracts signed with the referees for VT’s 5-game Basketball schedule even if the VT coach does the actual coaching while Mimi doesn’t do any actual coaching for Basketball and Volleyball for Milford on every other week. Gil and Beth the Bartender both run off with the spoon where Gil pursues a second career as a butcher.

I think that should clear it up. I’ll let you know if there’s any changes.

“We’ll return in a moment to see if any urine smells emanate from the box of slide rules in Jami’s algebra class after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

At the Shaw residence before beddy-bye

“THERE!!!!!!!! That’ll teach them paramecium to wander around in MY toilet!!!!!!!! I dumped more Lawry’s Garlic to unstop an elephant!!!!!!!! I’ll have them nematodes runnin’ for the sewers underneath our house!!!!!!!!!”

KNOCK!!!!!!!! KNOCK!!!!!!!! KNOCK!!!!!!!!!

“Honeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyyyyyy. It’s time for a man to get down to what he’s got to doooooooooooooooo.”

“We’ll, right now I got to exterminate all the microorganisms and neuroplanktons if we want to take a dump in peace. No way am I going to get run over by a bunch of procaryotic cells and the rest of their army. I even sprayed down the Charmin with 409.”

“Honey, I think it’s safe to unlock the door. I don’t believe any bacteria will follow us to bed.”

“That’s what Louis Pasteur said before The French Revolution!!!!!!!! People were getting guillotined because somebody forgot to pasteurize the 2% before it got dropped at the back door. I’m not letting my head get flushed down the toilet, Mrs. Shaw!!!!!!”

“Darling, I’m more worried about your thang getting disposed of more than your head. Now why don’t we unlock the door and let Milford Exterminating do the rest?”

“Blubba, blubba, I can’t right now, I gotta ward off these Golgi bodies with Raid. I thought squirting some crushed cinnamon leaves would kill them and their allies, the mitochondria, but they are multiplying worse than the rabbits. Do you know the number of the wizard from Fantasia? Because they and the brooms are spreading all over the shower and we just bought a new shower curtain!!!!!!”
“Wook, open dee widdle do-wah and let me scare dose baddies out of ow-wah house and fill you up wid de love, love, love, mi amour.”

“Mah, mah, mah, Meet the Flintstones, I had to use Pine-Sol to disengage some paramecium’s flagella. I didn’t want them critters all over my shaving kit. What would I tell Gil and Kaz with endoplasmic reticulum all over my beard? Do you want to shave your legs and ribosomes and leucocytes eating through your panty hose? I am keeping the world safe for Democracy!!!!!!!”

“Why not tell them the truth?”

“The truth? That I have organelles and amoeba crawling all over my toothbrush? No wonder why George Washington had false teeth!!!!!!”

“No, that the amoeba are choking your thang and you won’t admit it.”

“BOOM BABY!!!!!!!!! What could I say? It was like Milford High School getting beaten by a heartbreaker on a last-minute 3 by Reggie Miller. Thank God that Milford Men’s Clinic was available and I didn’t need mosquito netting to get my Significant Other charged up. Now, I am driving out the demons and the organelles in bed and having the time of my life. If you have issues battling antigens all over your private parts, come see Milford Men’s Clinic today. Your wife will be eternally grateful.”

No, Gang, daggone it, Luke goes to Valley Tech when the moon is full, Principal Ek rises from the dead every other month, and Gil goes to the barber. Not the other way around.

But God bless you anyway.

At Milford Nudist Colony

“Mommy, why are there nematodes on the toilet seat. Daddy said he used D-Con and Dr. Scholl’s on it.”

“Uhhhhhhh, here, Keri, here’s some Kaboom! Go spray the roses in the Colony Community Garden.”

At O.J.’s Milford Luxury Condo suite

“No, O.J., I wouldn’t use mulch on the shower head. That won’t get rid of the mold.”

August 30, 2022

“Comin’ Up Next On Milford Hot Country, Marty Robbins With ‘Gil Dumped Mimi In El Paso Without Leaving A Forwarding Address’.”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 4:26 pm

Out in the West Texas town of El Paso

I fell out of sorts with a Milfordian girl

Nighttime would find me in Beth’s rank cantina

Music would play and Luke Loser would swirl.

Gang, one more time, THANK YOU for your patience. Slowly but surely we cut through the red tape this afternoon. I had a Bucket Burger to calm my nerves(ha).

What in the world is going on around here? Usually families like Luke the Loser’s bunch are the ones going home listening to Red Sovine’s “A Day on the Road in my Freightliner is Better Than 1,000 Nights at Mudlark Stadium” and Gil and family get ferried up on the Stairway to Heaven with Bucket Banana Splits serving as manna. Oh, they may have problems but like the sitcom comedy, the Huxtables and the Thorps get them resolved by the time the half hour elapses. Issues such as Larry Tate telling you to use Right Guard the next time you are in the conference room with the client don’t drag on next week (“Next week, Darrin Stephens battles against The Joker”) . If Ralph Kramden gets fired, it will not carry over in the next episode with Ralph and Norton at a soup kitchen, mulling over whether to take the job at McDonald’s picking up trash in the parking lot.

But if you’re going to make Luke Loser and wife into the Hispanic version of Donna Reed and the rest of the household, damn, have something to work with. If there was an effort to compare/contrast where Gil and family were headed to the Stairway to Hell while Luke the Loser lived on Fairy Tale Lane, it took a detour to Chihuahua on the way to El Paso. Okay, Fran is affectionate and is also a heart surgeon. But I get this sick-gut feeling it was after she gave Burger King a two-weeks notice where she was burger flipper/French fries dispenser. Like what did she say in the “Reason for leaving” section when she applied at Milford General Hospital for her current job? “I wanted more hours”? “Didn’t get along with my supervisor”? “I wanted better benefits”? “I wanted a chance for advancement”?
And if you’re trying to make this into The Brady Bunch versus Hell’s Children, what TV dad put their son(s) into a sleeper hold? Mr. Brady putting Greg into a vise lock and publicly announcing that Greg and Bobby can’t hold their bladders at night? Yeah, I had to change Dennis the Menace’s bedsheets but he’s a straight A student. Oh, my God, where did the time go? Sorry, I have to go pick up Fran at Milford Chiropractic Clinic.

And what purpose did Luke Loser Junior serve at this unwitting friendly competition that MAYBE accomplished something, like we know Mimi can SWWWWIIIINNNGGGG a decent golf stick, for example? We know he still can’t control his functions and his Serta smells like cow piss although we’re confident he can hold his own in algebra. Otherwise, he was a cameo who just handed his dad the golf clubs that they pay caddies minimum wage at MCC to do. Luke Junior, can you move out of the way, I can’t see Gil putting his foot in his mouth.

In the end, what turned out to be a bad blood face-off disguised as friendly competition ended up with Gil and Mimi emulating George Jones and Tammy Wynette. Will Mimi get the house if George doesn’t stop his drinking?

Randy Meisner sang lead vocals on Eagles “Take it to the Limit” but still felt frustrated in his role in the band. Eventually, it came to a head when he and Glenn Frey (guitar, co-wrote with Jackson Browne “Takin’ it Easy”) got into fisticuffs one night before a performance. As the police moved in to break it up, Don Henley (drums, “Witchy Woman”) exclaimed “Back off!!!!!! We’ll take care of it!!!!!!!!”. They did. Meisner was fired a few days later and Timothy B. Schmit (from the group Poco) replaced him.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Fracas At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater At Eagles’ ‘We’ll Perform In Milford When Hell Freezes Over’ Tour Occurs Before Opening Number!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Don Henley: ‘I told the Milford Police to take a hike. We’ll flip a coin over who plays bass between Schmit and Coach Thorp.’”

The day was not a total waste. I got a great deal on transferring my information on my new phone at a reasonable price at Best Buy in Louisville, Kentucky on 4251 Outer Loop. Duncan very patiently helped me through the whole process and gave me some great deals on phone accessories. He and Andrew saved the day for me because it was getting frustrating changing phone services. I have no parting shots with my old phone service and recommend it to anybody who would ask me. Anyway, Duncan, I learned a lot and you know your stuff. Check him out, Gang, at the above location. You won’t regret it.

And as Frank and Jive Turkey have successfully hinted at, it is absurd to observe Mimi and Gil as if they were the Griswolds returning from vacation and also found out that Wally World was closed because Luke Loser took over ownership and shut it down because Luke Loser wanted to eliminate the kiddie coaster.

This is about as far apart as I have seen them in quite some time and in fact, the last time I recall Mimi giving the chill to Gil was before they were married and Gil suddenly got jealous when he spotted Mimi with a possible eligible bachelor. Naturally, the Thorpiverse script wouldn’t allow Mimi to elope out of town with John Doe; what would Gil do, transfer his unrequited sex drives to where he normally tees off?

“Great drive, Gil!!!!!!! You’re just yards away from the green!!!!!”

“I’m hornier than a frog at Mudlark Lake during mating season. Gotta work it off.”

Really, if you saw Gil leaning on the tackling dummies for some inexplicable reason, you can put 2 and 2 together and come up with 4.

As it stood, it was indeed a misunderstanding (surprise, surprise) and, not remembering exactly and throwing out a reasonable guess, the man happened to be the owner of Milford Lanes and he wanted to show Mimi the facility so that she could decide whether she wanted to be a stockholder. Shortly thereafter, when Gil found out the owner was a polygamist and had 113 kids, Gil proposed to Mimi and Mimi said yes. The marriage was all but a formality, with the marriage an across-the-three-panels affair, similar to the Christmas message Gil would splat from one end to the other, when his kids were still kids in the bargain, not the ones presently copping an attitude the size of Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Human Resources Center.

And really, when was the last time Mimi was this slinky-looking as in P1? Do we really need some honky-tonkin’ from the great Patsy Cline to send a message that if Sissy Spacek can be half-naked, so can I? So sexy, Mimi or Sissy.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Voted Out Of Eagles Due To Personality Differences!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“If he couldn’t hit the high notes on ‘Already Gone’ or ‘Peaceful Easy Feelin’, he needed to go play in Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office where she is air-singing “Magic” by Pilot with her ball-point pen she received as a gift from Chester A. Arthur at a political convention

“Dr. Pearl, if Gil and I divorce, I want his file cabinets. He can keep his playbooks.”

“Splendid, Mimi? I received a call from your attorney saying you might be able to get those Co-Ed Bowling Trophies when you competed in the Faculty Games.”

One day, this cheap drunk golfer came on

Wild as the swing Mimi swung

Dumbass and daring, a drink he was sharing

With wicked Bethina, the girl that I tongued

I don’t think Marty Robbins had Gil and Mimi performing synchronized toothpasting in mind when he composed the song El Paso but maybe it’s been a while since I dropped by the Grand Ole Opry.
Come on, they’re not speaking to each other and are expressing their antipathy for each other by sharing the same mirror and trying to out-Colgate the other? That’s going to be the grounds for divorce when they appear before Judge Judy? Gee, Your Honor, he wouldn’t move after he slapped on some Aqua Velva. And I told her to move her ass when she was using Nair. How much of the mirror does she need when she’s shaving her legs? He’s got a lot of room to talk. He boxed me out for the rebound when he was flossing his teeth. The tear-jerker stuff ol’ Patsy used to sing at The Louisiana Hayride. When Ernest Tubb and his Texas Troubadors sang “Wiping The Floors Over You”, he had Gil using Pine-Sol to remove the blood stains from shaving in mind. Mimi was just as good as out the door if Gil didn’t get moving with the mop. I’m going home to Mother if you don’t use Renuzit Raspberry after you dumped a load in the commode.

This is comical. I mentioned this the other day and it unfortunately bears repeating. When checking out a McDonald’s overseas, there were pictures of Big Macs and McRibs and then the final picture was this gigantic toilet. As if we have never seen one of those or a Big Mac. Why, if they show a travel brochure of Independence Hall in Philadelphia, don’t you think it would attract tourism that much more to see the Liberty Bell picture abutting a picture of a gigantic flusher? When you’re done admiring the crack, if you can’t restrain yourself any more, King Kong is right down the hallway. Reassuring.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket Enjoying Increased Revenue In The Third Quarter With Optimism For The Future Burgeoning!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Bucket Spokesperson: ‘We finally incurred the plumber to unclog the pipes and move several seating facilities in the rest rooms to further enhance customer experience.”

It is hard for me to complain about the artwork not really because we have a Van Gogh or a Matisse painting Gil and Mimi but because, we’ll, who likes observing Matisse diligently stroking with his brush Gil and Mimi blubbering Colgate all over their visages? Come on, is the art dude at Thorpiverse studio going to get fired or have the Artists Union fight to keep his job because management was in a conniption because the art dude didn’t get Gil to gross us out enough with the Colgate swirlie sloshing around his gums? Because there wasn’t enough detail attended to when drawing a Colgate beard around Mimi? You didn’t etch enough Crest Cavity Reducing Enhanced Whitening Formula on Gil’s jaws? That’s it, you’re fired. Get your things out of the drawer, pick up your paycheck at the desk, Loss Prevention will escort you out the door.

If this is spelling the end of the Gil-Mimi matrimonial union, I just hope to God Luke Loser and family don’t pick up the baton. Robert Brady is a jerk and marries a woman who worked at KFC taking orders at the drive-thru window before she got a job as a brain surgeon? Whoa hoss. Then, to add insult to injury, Beaver comes along as the son who pisses in Wally’s bed every night. Oh, that’ll continue the Thorpiversean “Family that golfs together stays together” run.

I think we better pray Gil and Mimi iron out the kinks.

At Milford McDonald’s

“Sweetie Peaches w/ a dash of Cumin & Lemon Lovey Dovey Cottony Soft Teddy Bear, I can’t find the waste facilitator.”

“Did you try next door at Milford 76 station?”

“Mrs. Dr. Pearl, I have to have a key and I was told it was dispensed with down the receptacle with the marijuana when the Milford Police staged a raid.”

So so clueless, I challenged his right to coach and caress, by God

Down went his hand for the slop that he sipped

My challenge was answered with tons of his BS

This loutish dumb jerk with bad breath from his lips

This isn’t ‘50’s-‘60’s bedroom scenes anymore where husband and wife wear a chastity belt and STILL sleep in separate beds. But Gil and Mimi might as well adopt that condition to the panel at hand. I never thought I’d see the day when they’d be looking in the direction as in P3, the only other time being when they were admiring the panorama of the Grand Canyon. And to think, they are getting knocked off Family of the Hill down in the scrap heap. And by a man whose own family contains a sibling who wets the bed and a wife working for minimum in the ICU? Stay tuned.
“And that was Marty Robbins with ‘My Milford, My Milford, My Wife’. We’ll be back to play Merle Haggard’s “Mimi Tried” after these messages on the New Milford Hot Country!!!!!”

At Milford XXX Adult Playland Theater

“Yeah, keep flashing those boxers, Mr. Thorp. These restroom scenes should sell a fortune when we’re advertising our buffet. People gotta know that we run a clean place when they do a number two.”

Mimi and the kids burst through the door

“GIL!!!!!! What are you doing!!!!!!! And why are you down to your underwear here in the men’s room!!!!!!”

“Oh, hey, honey. This is my part-time job for Milford Modeling Agency. I was given union-scale wages plus 20% off the buffet table with my Milford XXX Adult Playland Theater Discount Card. Why wouldn’t I flash my sexy body here for it to show in Wiki-Maps on the XXX restaurant site?”

“Uh, looks like I better take my lunch. You folks have a nice day.”

“Mommy, why is that man with a camera leaving so fast? And why did he take that sex toy from Daddy?”

“Keri, I’m going to take ALL your and Jami’s toys when I go home to Mother if Daddy doesn’t get his rump out of here and come home.”

“Mimi, you need to relax. Their cuisine is scrumptious and if it means modeling in front of a toilet in my Hanes to get free XXX All-You-Can-Eat Chicken Wings, I’ll order extra pairs of underwear through the Amazon catalog. And if I bend over the commode and show my rump, I can take home the meat loaf in a doggy bag.”

“Mommy, is that why there’s whips and chains by the air blower? Does Daddy need those to get his wee wee reinvigorated?”

“THAT’S REINVIGORATED!!!!!! Gil, this is embarrassing!!!!! Get your butt out of here and leave this foolishness behind!!!!!!!”

“And lose my chance at finally getting a log so that we’re not resorting to reading Amy Tan novels before we hit the sack? I am not about to be Keith Smart and pass up the winning shot for the NCAA Championship just because the XXX Theater ran out of saltine crackers when I got my potato soup!!!!!! When I go up to the ice cream machine, I expect it to perform and give me chocolate ice cream, not Cheez-Whiz. And I will be famous displaying my bare anatomy sitting on the John and telling the world that XXX Theater toilets have had a hand sanitizer applied to them once a week.”

“Hey, there’s a camera up in the corner. I’m gonna bend over and show my Underoos. I hope my butt don’t stick out.”

“JAMI, DON’T YOU DARE!!!!!!!!!! Gil, I mean it-“

“Mr. Thorp, we need you to pose next in the women’s restroom.”

“There you have it. I had to say no because how would I explain to Luke the Loser that I am not a girlie-girl and a sissy? I got down to Milford Men’s Clinic to address the problem. And they have a great plan. A generous supply of EREC-5609 and I don’t make payments for two years. Hey, Mimi and I can make that down payment on the family wagon after all. Come get your own sex life hitched up to bigger and better things and still stay within budget and give your Significant Other and checkbook a big boost. Only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, I disagree. I think Rob Petrie will finally break down and get a single bed and do more business with Laura than Gil and Mimi are currently. Just my opinion.

But God bless you anyway.

Back in the tavern, my life would be worthless

Mimi is gone, my coaching has left

It’s been so long since we won any trophies

I’ve been a-wandering up to my death…

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