This Week in Milford

November 8, 2018

Will Wal-Mart Be Selling Sketchy Telephones On Black Friday?

110818

Including today, we have negotiated through 22 days without seeing a football. You TWIMers have done an excellent job with the analogies on detectives in relation to The Hardy Boys and now Gil and Kaz,  running the gamut from Encyclopedia Brown to Agatha Christie to Go Go Gadget Go. Even Gil is getting in on the act, calling Kaz “Sherlock” the other day. I reckon when you ain’t playing football because it’s been preempted by “Peyton Place” and “A Charlie Brown Special: The Case of the Missing Fussbudget”, you start thinking more like Luke Spencer and/or Jessica Fletcher

And the telephones are the proof in the pudding. Good God Almighty, Gil and Kaz ought to be switchboard operators . They’ve been spending more time with phones than pigskins, without a doubt.

“One ringee dingee

Two ringee dingee

Hello, is this Coach Sit-on-your-ass-all-day? This is Coach Phone-is-epoxied-to-my-earring. We’re calling about a player that used to play for you. You don’t know him either? But you heard he dated Manny the Mail Man’s daughter? Well, that makes sense, the Shoe Shine Man on “Police Squad” told me he’d been in the ‘hood mixing in with some sketchy characters. BTW, how long has that Tab can been on your desk? I can smell it through the wires.”

 

VAMBOOOOOO, I don’t understand this plot at allllllll

You old-timers, remember when the Sensational Alex Harvey Band appeared on the old In Concert series (on ABC right after the 11:00 News) ? Talk about bizarre. Bizarre lyrics, bizarre music, bizarre clothing. I mean ta tell ya, Alex baby is belting out VAMBOOOOO, accompanied by their guitarist who was dressed in a clown outfit, combo The Joker/Pennywise the Dancing Clown with a voice like one of Sabrina’s witches.

Later, Alex’s mouth is stuffed with what later turned out to be L’eggs Panty Hose that he eventually put over his face (Mudlarks, don’t try this at home) and flagrantly displayed to the world how psychopathic he really was, a bank robber about to scare the living daylights with that hose over his face, with the idea that if you’re terrified of this demon on your TV screen, you’d fork over your money (I’d have given my paycheck I was going to cash at Milford National, anyway, don’t know ’bout you.) and be entertained to boot.

Damn, Coach Kaz might shroud his face with L’eggs Avocado Medium Size but it wouldn’t be entertaining and this plot would STILL be bizarre AND stupid. At least the audience applauded SAHB.

 

And what in the name of VAMMMMBBBBOOOOOOOO is the New Thayer coach talking about when he says sketchy characters???????? Is this another way of expressing “stick figures”? He’s been drinking so much of that stale Sam’s Choice Berry Cherry Soda with all the ensuing flies buzzing around it that it’s affecting his judgment?  I am really trying to be fair here.

But remember when we used to play Hangman and if you spelled the word out, your stick figure got the noose at high noon? Is ol’ Coach Sit-on-etc. insinuating that Tiki associated with the Hangman’s kids? Boy, the artwork has really hit the skids lately if we are to learn the truth in a few days. Let me come on in and draw Tiki’s friends. I’d win 1st Prize in the Stick Figure Competition at the Milford County Fair. Me, with my manila paper of 3 stick people trying to shove past the door greeters and security on Black Friday at Wal-Mart side-by-side with a couple a kids that won the Cow-Milking  Competition, wow. And all I had to do on the stick figure door greeter was draw a rectangle for his/her name badge. Piece of cake.

 

Shout-out to Tommy Stanford who works at the Fern Creek, Kentucky Taco Bell. He always has a smile on his face when a customer walks in and does EVERYTHING he can to please the customer. It’s a definite great experience when he takes your order. I like his professionalism and if you’re in the neighborhood, swing on by. Even though Taco Bell is a nationwide chain, Tommy makes it a Small Business atmosphere. And gang, you need to go where everybody knows your name. Give Tommy the business, gang. He deserves it.

 

“VAMBOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Comin’ to the rescue!!!!!!!!!!!!

VAMBOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Comin’ to the rescue!!!!!!!!!!!

VAMBOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Comin’ to the rescue!!!!!!!!!!!”

A teenager almost spills his Triple Chunky Chocolate Bucket o’ Shake

“Is that Coach Thorp in that Bozo outfit????? Geez, no wonder why he can’t recruit ANYONE, let alone a punter.”

Yet, Gil and Coach Shaw soldier on, the center stage replacing the dancing area where the kids normally boogie. Right now, there’s a new band in town. They really need to up their VAMBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOO since Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs are scheduled to appear next on their Comeback Tour. VAMMMMBBBBBBOOOOOOOOO getting outclassed by “Wooly, Booly”? Perish the thought. Plus Tiki will shock ’em later with the panty hose act.

“Man, I knew the Bucket Lobster Claw Plate ‘n’ Chips were hard to swallow, but Tiki’s REALLY havin’ a time of it. Think I ought a slip a glass of water?”

 

Okay, okay, Tiki in reality wasn’t associating with kindergarten-drawing characters (“Mommy, Mommy, look what I drawed, a stick figure getting his ass handed to him by Gil in his office!!!!!) so let’s rewind and see if we can figure out SKETCHY CHARACTERS once and for all. And the Amazing Kreskin is rummaging through his mind and interpreting this as a typo for SHADY CHARACTERS. Where else could Thorpiverse be leading us? Are Dagwood and Blondie SKETCHY CHARACTERS????? Sergeant Snorkel????? Man, the dude is too fat to be sketchy. And not too many SKETCHY CHARACTERS with one tooth in their mouths, much less making Beetle Bailey roadkill.

Soooooooooo, SHADY CHARACTERS it is. STILL, has Tiki been associating with Goodfellas??????? Is that why he runs to games, classes, the bathroom, etc. cuz this unmarked Cadillac Seville is chasing him because he failed to finish a job that he signed a contract for????? Does that mean if Marty Moon disappears suddenly (fingers crossed) from WDIG, Tiki fulfilled the terms of the contract and will show up on time for !st Period World Geography?????? Folks, I’m just going with what I’m seeing if we’re going to discuss SKETCHY CHARACTERS. So far, we’ve ruled out stick figures and Dennis the Menace but that’s about as much progress that we’ve made. Oh, and The Sopranos.

 

A HUGE shout-out to the poll workers who manned the voting booths at American Legion Post 42 in Floyds Knobs, Indiana this past Tuesday. When I walked in the place and saw the serpentine line, to be honest, I was understandably concerned. BUT the whole staff operated like clockwork and I was out in less than 1/2 an hour, from the end of the line to signing in to voting to putting my ballot in the box. And as a bonus, they saw over 1,000 voters exercise Democracy (I was about 3 voters down from the 1,000th voter) . Just as important it is to vote are the people who ENABLE US TO VOTE by all the procedures they follow to make this thing work. And you DEFINITELY made it work. I salute you all in making Freedom reign.

 

P1-“HICCUP!!!!!!!!! No, I don’t recall a Tiki (looking under the New Thayer Downs Racing Weekly) . I see a Kiki, naw, wait that’s Kiki Vandeweghe, that’s my ESPN Classic magazine, my bad,  (looks in his desk, shoves aside the Pringles), I saw a Thomas here on my roster BELLLCCCHHHH, Excuse me!!!!!!!! from ’98 but that was when we were doormats to you all, shoot, (scratching crotch, switches leg so that other leg can get a rest from the balancing act on his chair), I even looked on my plan book and couldn’t find any appointments with any sketchy characters, they must have gone to Apartment 3-G, well, (looking under his Jack Daniels in the top drawer next to his checkbook to make sure) , if I find any Tiki Jackson, I’ll holler. BTW, is he any kin to Tito or Janet or Michael? Can Tiki moonwalk?”

 

In response to a local McDonald’s issuing the edict “No profanity in this store!!!!!!!!”

 

“DAMN!!!!!!! My Bucket Buffalo Burger is medium-rare again!!!!!!!!!! The beef is redder than VAMBOOOOOO and who the Hell left the Bucket Chili Chipotle Fries in the deep fryer so long???? This 10W40 taste is making me puke and shit in the Bucket men’s room at the same time. And WTF made the Bucket Oreo Shake? These pieces look like deer droppings when me and Shaw go hunting. We’d find a 10-pointer for sure leaving these pieces of poop on the trail.”

“Gil!!!!!!!!! They’re issuing fines!!!!!!!!! Watch your language!!!!!!!!!”

“I said ‘poop.'”

 

At the Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club auditions

“VAMBOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! This plot has got me hypnotized!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Ahhhhhh, that might work. As long as we can keep Gil’s face dabbed with Pond’s Cold Cream between sets, he can always fake the Gibson guitar. And thank God, the Milford Shriners were willing to donate a clown costume. He might struggle with the clown shoes since he wears a size 12 and they’re size 11’s but I understand the leather stretches.  And we’ll just lip-synch the high notes for Gil. But, Shaw, no way we’re using a Jazz guitar on this number.”

“But VAMMMMMMMMNBBBBBBBBOOOOOO was Joe Pass’s favorite number!!!!!!!”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket Metes Out $10,000 Fine To Coach Kaz Over Profanity Allegedly Uttered This Past Saturday!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“All I said was that the cooks must have substituted cow manure for meatballs in the Bucket o’ Marinaded Spaghetti.”

 

If ya actually git rewarded with a McDonald’s McRib Sandwich coupon cuz ya got a little carried away with talkin’ about that whopper of a swordfish ya caught at Mudlark Lake cuz the McD’s manager is yore fishin’ buddy and completely kin relate, ya might be a redneck.

 

WHO SHOW COACH SHAW?????????

VAMMMMBBBBOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Naw, couldn’t have been him. He sings like the Wicked Witch of the West but witnesses saw him at his Fraternal Order of Clowns meeting at the corner table at Milford Lounge.”

 

Gang, comment away. Looks like we’ll be learning a lot about mythology if Thor’s lightning bolt in P2 is any indication. Ahhhhh, enough thinking. I’m going with Gil and Kaz on the tour of the Washington Monument in P3. The next tour is due up at 3:00PM. Can’t wait to see the Potomac.

 

At Gil’s home at 11:30 one night, Mimi can’t sleep and is reading Danielle Steele while jammin’ on the turntable to Clifford Brown (You died too early, Clifford, My Man) . She is overwhelmed by one of Steele’s dresses on the back cover. Suddenly, behind the Motorola Console, a man with steel netting over his visage rises up and acts like one of the ghosts from Scooby-Doo.

VAMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOO

“GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE!!!!!!!!!”

“Mimi, it’s just me. I thought the shock might circulate the blood and get you tired. It’s lonely sleeping with Dino.  His farts are a bit too juicy.”

“FIRST REMOVE THE CLOWN MAKEUP!!!!!!!!!”

 

At The Bucket cashier

“Ma’am, did some idiot scoop this Bucket o’ Teenie Weenie Wieners and Spaghetti O’s Kiddie Plate out of a Ken’L Ration can????? My daughter had to scurry to the Emergency Room at Milford General and my son has a rash. How can you sell this Bucket o’ Shit?”

Suddenly, a police siren and flashers appear through the window.

ONE ADAM-12 ONE ADAM-12 WE HAVE A CODE 291 IN PROGRESS AT THE BUCKET!!!!!!!!!!!!

Advertisements

November 6, 2018

Can We UNLOAD 16 Tons Of Garbage Off This Website?

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 5:34 pm

gt11062018

This plot funded in part by the Geraldine R. Dodge Foundation

 

And by viewers like you.

 

This is the PBS* Network.

 

 

*Plot is Bull Shit

 

 

 

Some people say this plot

Is made out of mud

Coach Thorp is a fluke

Dons the brain of a spud

 

The merry-go-round

Of the players at hand

Flouts the slipshod saga

Less and less in demand

 

 

 

You read 16 tons

Whattya got?

Another day older

And a shit-for-brains plot

 

Say, Gilbert, doncha call me

cuz I can’t go

I’m mired in this cesspool

of a shit of a showwwwwwww

 

At Coach Kaz’s house late one night, the VCR runnin’

“Alfred P. Sloan?? Never heard of him. Can he kick??”

“Uh, no, Coach, actually he mortgaged his mansion and sent a check through Milford National to finance this movie and this plot.”

“He put his ass on the line for ‘Benji’?”

 

Gang, I don’t know about you but haven’t we already read “Hound of the Baskervilles”, a/k/a Aardvark’s Dilemma, a/k/a Do I spill the beans about my mom’s excessive visits to Milford Pharmacy for OTC products such as PALS and hydrogen peroxide and Ny-Quil Children’s Remedy(A wonder she didn’t wind up in Skid Row on the last one) and Barr’s Leeks(oops, that’s for cars but it sounds like a medicine, so what the hay, she drank it with two Tylenol before she went to bed) and Triavil plus the medicines prescribed by the doctors at Milford Community College School of Pharmacy but she abused anyway such as Spirolactone and Coumadin and Carvedilol and wind up at Milford Homeless Shelter for telling the truth or Do I just shut up and let it ride(“If ya wanna have fun ruining your son, Cocaine…He’ll just dunk, he’ll just dunk, he’ll just dunnnkkkkk, Cocaine”- guess Clapton reads Thorp too since they’re both God)? Fortunately, Sherlock and Watson and the Hardy Boys solved that one to everyone’s satisfaction and Aardvark was able to locate suitable shelter and Aardvark was able to ride off into the sunset with a Buzz club just beyond the horizon.

But we don’t need neither want a sequel.

“JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK INTO THE GYM: AARDVARK II”

 

“How did you deduce that Mrs. Aardvark was snorting shoe leather, my dear Holmes?”

Elementary, Watson. Observe the Hardy Boys Converses. They had more grease and dirt on them than their penny loafers. Then notice their socks hanging on the magnets on the refrigerator door in the kitchen. They were beshrouded with dirt from their scrimmages plus all the useless running around looking for Aardvark when any fool knew he’d been vacationing on the Falkland Islands in the first place. Garments such as shoes and socks that filthy are bound to smell. Then when Mrs. Aardvark insisted that the stink from her bathroom was her own feces, it hit me funny that disposable wastes like that do not reek like that. Cats usually faint when a person using the bathroom  unloads  a ton but Garfield kept on eating his lasagna. I made a mental note until later when it would come in handy.”

“And that time is now.”

“Precisely, Watson. When I saw her taking her high heels out to the car, she wouldn’t be wearing them for Intermediate Tennis Lessons at the Milford Tennis Club where she purported she was going. Therefore, what was she going to do with them? There could only be one logical answer. When the Hardy Boys dug up her go-go boots out of her back yard by the bird bath, they just rubber-stamped my suspicions.”

“You’re a genius, Holmes.”

“Much obliged, Watson. Now, I’m hungry. Let’s get a bite to eat at The Bucket. All this investigation of footwear-snorting has worked up an appetite. Just don’t order the Livercheese Burger. I’m not in the mood for reminders of this case.”

 

One day I read the funnies

To the scene of the crime

Picked up my shovel

To sift the grime and slime

 

Pulled my back

And broke my collarbone

My wrists got carpal tunnel

On Tiki’s Tales alone

 

You read 16 tons

Whattya got

Another day older

And a God-forsaken plot

 

Say, Gilbert, doncha call me

cuz I can’t go

I’m on the couch with Bikel

Watching “Vertigoooooo”

 

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket Sues Boone’s Brats In Light Of Unfair Competition!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Fast food joint points out Coach Boone is selling bratwursts on a stand in the Handicapped Section in its parking lot”

Thanks to Matthew Maloney (with one ‘L’, Matthew, I didn’t forget.) for help with the last comedy idea. Keep Kroger going, Big Man. You make it happen with your hard work. YOU make America, My Man.

 

 

“We here at WPUB are asking you, if you want this plot to continue, go to the phone NOW and call the number listed on your screen. That’s right 1-LUV-BAD-PLOT. And our producer, Melvin Tom Whistlewhite III, whose dad did the key grip for Masterpiece Theater when his dad was a teenager has told us that if you go to the phones in the next 20 minutes and make a contribution of $50 or more, you will get Gil’s autobiography, AUTOGRAPHED, I might add, “How I Kept My Hair Congealed in Place When My Player Blew A Game-Winning Bunny”. Boy, I don’t know about you fans, but I have to keep dabbing Rogaine on my head twice a week and not only did my loan default on my Miata, I’m still losing hair. Please, go to the phones and support this plot. Visa and Mastercard are accepted. Checks are acceptable if your credit history and your report cards from K-8 clear a background check. Please, go to your phones and support this plot.”

 

 

A shout-out is in order for Tara Love at Transit Authority of River City who works in dispatch and keeps things well-coordinated. The routes MOVE when she is on the job and anybody having any trouble locating a passenger ALWAYS tracks down their customer, thanks to her extensive knowledge of the routes and the customers, plus her eternal patience. I have a ton of confidence in her that she knows what she’s doing and she is a sweetie while doing it. I salute you, Tara. You keep the busses AND America rolling. Well done.

 

 

 

“Marty, what are you looking for? You’ve been digging through those boxes in the basement for two hours.”

“I’m looking for my dad-blasted report card from 3rd grade. I got straight A’s and it should compensate for the 2 bounced checks I wrote at Denny’s.”

 

In response to the recent Men’s Clinic in my newspaper touting the benefits of a wavy stimulator, reputed to get the blood circulating in a man’s significant other.

 

DING DONG!!!!!!!

Coach Shaw, reading The Sporting News with Bo Jackson(you did it right, Bo) on the cover, sniffs out danger and heads toward the attic.

Mrs. Coach Show answers the door.

“Yes, can I help you?”

“Is this the Shaw residence?”

“Yes, it is.”

The UPS man hands her an oblong box. Too heavy for a Colt .45, Mrs. Coach Shaw recognizes it immediately. She hides her elation long enough to keep her hot flashes under wraps with the Man in Brown.

“I need you to sign this.”

“Sure.”

She signs her John Henry  on the Etch-a-Sketch computer gun, then receives her package as if it was a girlie-girl getting her first Barbie Doll.

THEN she is on the prowl for her husband while gashing the box and yanking out the prize.

A Texas Instrument TI-36 electric cattle prod.

“Oh, Honeyyyyyy, lookie, lookie, what I got. This ought to pave the way for greener pastures. This cattle prod ought to revive the Lazurus between your legs and come forth.”

Heard through the attic door “If you’re a cow, I can think of no better form of sodomy.”

Too late. Coach Shaw has given himself away. Fortunately, the attic hatch has a little lock.

“But, honey, I won’t hurt you. Think of it as Coffee-Mate. You just need a little stimulation.”

“My dick don’t drink Folgers. And geez louise, look at all these old photo albums. I’ll have my time occupied for a while.”

“Honey, we put them in a safe deposit box at Milford National. And the key’s in the garage under the spare statue of that horse jockey.”

“Wrong!!!!!!!! I found some here in this file cabinet. It’s got my dental records when I was a teenager, all the Reader’s Digest’s in chronological order, beginning when the Bull Moose Party was founded, memerobilia from Milford Basketball’s 1975 State Playdown Championship. Man, you gotta check out this picture of Jerry Pulver  giving the ref the finger that got him a ‘T’. How’d he win MVP? I’d like to kook into that.”

“I’d like to look into something all right. And I have the right equipment to do it.”

“Baby Doll, I don’t need Electric Shave to pump me up. I can rub against this composite of the 1958 Mudlark baseball team and I’ll be hornier than a frog.”

“Was Gil coaching? I don’t recall seeing that.”

“Of course. Dobie Gillis and Maynard P. Krebs were on that team. Krebs could knock the cover off the ball, even though Coach T. told him that if he wanted to be the next Roger Maris, he’d have to stop being a Marty Moon wannabe and shave the fuzz.”

“But Darling, this prod works faster. I don’t have all night listening to you hump the heating vent.”

Coach Shaw is now mad as Hell and not gonnma take anymore.

“Well, just try and make me!!!!!!! I ain’t budgin’ and I’ll keep fudgin’!!!!!!!! This lava lamp is giving me excitations!!!!!!!”

“I knew it’d come to that. Bugs Bunny, you said our surprise guest just arrived? He’s in the living room?”

A few minutes later

“I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll BLOWBUBBABLUBBABUBBABLUBBABUBBABLUBBABUBBABLUBBA the door down.”

 

“Face it, I was done in by Looney Tunes. That’s when it was time to hit the mall and make my presence known at Milford Men’s Clinic. I got harder and life got easier. Bugs and Elmer and Daffy and Porky went to pitch Public TV and my wife sold the cattle prod to a traveling salesman running the Chisholm Trail route. Everything is in perfect harmony. So much so, I can balance on my significant other in my King-size. Talk about an encore for my wife. But don’t take my word for it, find out how you too can be an acrobat with your dick. Your wife will applaud the circus.

 

 

“…and if you send in a contribution of $500 in the next 30 minutes, you will receive a free gift “Gil Thorp and Ferrante & Teicher perform Erroll Garner’s ‘Concert by the Sea: Live at the Mudlark Lake Concert Hall'”. I never knew Gil could play the piano but Ferrante & Teicher confirmed via conference call that he does a better job of that than coaching. I’ll take their word for it. Please, Grandpa, go to the closet and dig in that safe for that money you’ve been amassing since 1942, kiddies, break your piggy bank when Mom isn’t looking and help support great programming such as this plot…”

 

 

 

 

Ifffffff ya see me comin’

Better step aside

A lot of ‘Larks did

And a lot of ‘Larks died

 

I am beet-red with rage

Trying to figure this out

I may as well dunk my head

In mauve sauerkraut

 

Ya read 16 tons

Whattya got?

Another day older

And a burnt toast plot

 

Say, Gilbert, doncha call me

cuz I can’t goooooo

(Tennessee Ernie Ford really belting it out here-God love you, My Man)

I’m stuuucckkkk innnn theee seatttttttt

Of a toilet-laced shoooowwwwwwwww

 

Gang, comment away. Father Brown oughta be coming along to Gil’s office once he gets a hall pass from Dr. Pearl. And Encyclopedia Brown just got done in Gil’s Water Closet. He was in there for 17 minutes. He ate a Taco Grande at Milford High School’s cafeteria and dumpin’ this baby was worse than getting in a grudge match with Bugs Meany, fer sure.

 

At the Milford Girls-a Go Go Club auditions

 

I was born one mornin’ when the sun didn’t shine

Picked up my shovel and i walked to the mine

I loaded 16 tons of number nine coal

And the straw boss said, well bless my soul

 

You load 16 tons

Whattya get

Another day older

And deeper in debt

 

Saint Fetus, doncha call me

cuz I cain’t go

“CUT CUT CUT!!!!!!!!!!

Gil, how many times I gotta tell you it’s Saint PETER!!!!!!! Lord, we’ll never make the cut. and this unplugged version was a sure fire winner to get the girls going. And Hank Williams Jr., you’re not. It’s CAN’T!!!!!!!” Coach Shaw notes while tuning his Jazz guitar.

 

“For a $100 contribution, you’ll receive this video “Gil and Elmer Go Snipe-Hunting” and there are rave reviews about this baby. But you only have 7 minutes so get on the phone now and support this plot.”

“Thanks, Daffy, you heard the man…”

November 1, 2018

Hey, Hey, Glad Gil Only Wants To Get You Fried On Monday, Tiki

Filed under: actual action, exposition comics, Gil Thorp, Goshen, Pissy faced Gil — tdrewhardin @ 4:14 pm

110118

Uh oh. Tiki’s gonna get a paddling on Monday. You saw it coming. How many times were we going to see Tiki racing with his pants on fire to practices, classes, games, poker tournaments, sand volleyball matches at Milford Lounge, pro wrestling matches between Jerry Lawler and Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart at the Milford Colosseum, union rallies, Bar-B-Q luncheons at the Milford Civitan Club at the Milford IGA meeting room before Gil was FINALLY going to put his foot down and TAKE CHARGE!!!!!!! Only logical, it’s November, about when the plot is mired in the swamp and just BEGGING for somebody to perform a Molly Hatchet and get them cannons jumped and fired up again. The difference was, Molly got it going in the heat of the battle which is why she deserves a place in history while Gil used the jumper cables on the cannons after the British won and left for Ticonderoga. Gil, you’re not going to win too many battles or games if you cross the Delaware after the Redcoats have recrossed The Pond and gone back home.

And what REALLY is going to be the punishment? Take out all the waste cans in each classroom and give Steve Luhm a free vacation? Use an Oral B toothbrush to clean the toilet in Gil’s personal bathroom in his office? Be the timer for all 5 games for Mimi’s team? When Mr. C grounded Richie because the latter spent too much time admiring The Fonz’s Harley instead of going to school, the punishment fit the crime. But with Coach T., I’m getting a sick gut feeling we’re going to see Pandora’s Box, punishments ranging from the switch to the Salem Witch Trial method, being put on the rack and stretched and/or locked down in the stocks in the middle of the school cafeteria or even a mystery punishment (“Hang from the flagpole in front of WDIG studios”). But Gil is taking charge. Finally.

 

 

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Only want to get you bored

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Love to slash you with a sword

 

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

 

There will be no consummation

There will be no fast conclusion

To this farce

 

They keep on dragging it down

in the mud

They ramble on and on

What a flood

 

For those of you still not convinced that  bad hearing causes Alzheimer’s Disease

At the Valley Conference showdown where the Milford Mudlarks and the Goshen Palookas are battling to get out of last place

“Gil, is your hearing slipping? I wanted to sub Tiki and you sent in Telly Savales. He’s an ACTOR, Gil. He’s NOT on the roster!!!!!!!!!”

“You watch Kojak?”

“And why’d you go for it on 4th-and 26 on our own 10-yard-line? The Palookas scored with ease like we were standing still!!!!!!!!”

“So you thought he sucked on too many lollipops too, huh? How many did he have in his desk?”

“And that was a HORRIBLE call by the official. Our lineman didn’t even touch him on that holding call!!!!!!!!!!! And you’re gonna treat him to a Livercheese Burger at The Bucket after the game?”

“Better than lollipops.”

“Gil, can you even make sense of what I’m saying???? You ran an end around sweep when I called for a roll-out right which would have kept the defense honest and they would stack their defense up so tight. You also had 10 guys out on the field.”

“So you think we ought to call  an audible?”

 

Shout-out to Patricia Gardner of Louisville, Kentucky. She has been through SEVERAL trials and has lived to tell about each one. A liver transplant and in the process of getting a kidney transplant tells me she wants to be a part of the scenery. Good for you, Patricia. She has done all this and raised beautiful children to boot. Today, she was weak after tests and dialysis were run on her, yet she refused to let it beat her. You were great to talk to and VERY interesting. She is also a writer and writes about life, a talent not everybody can do. Continue to make your mark in the world, Patricia. We still need you.

 

Playing DOWN to its record?????? Last time I checked, that’s pretty daggone awful. Who did they play when they WON???????? The Milford Women’s Christian Temperance Union?????? Wow, on a rainy Friday night

The WCTU coach in their locker room in a pre-game speech

“Let’s win one for the Gipper because he voted against Demon Rum!!!!!!!!!!!”

After the 110-0 shellacking by the Goshen Palookas, complete with 37 broken bones, 87 contusions,  210 concussions, 3,468 teeth knocked out, and 15 players sent to Milford General Hospital, 5 in the ICU, the WCTU coach in the post-game speech

“Alcohol still sucks!!!!!!!!!!”

And if the only time we see a football is when it’s bouncing around in a pinball machine for the hapless schmuck to pick up, it just confirms the inertia the plot has been broadcasting for the last 3 months. No potential energy here if you physics students are still awake. The epitome of this malaise has GOT TO BE in P2 where, wellllll, you could say there’s football going on, but, A) We don’t see the field soooooooo B) For all we know, they could be in the middle of the National Anthem while the UFO is coming on the field for a landing. Probably the Kanamits back to pick up a section of the crowd to take back to their planet. Either way, if it IS the National Anthem we’re encountering, TAKE OFF YOUR DAMN HELMETS. They haven’t been utilized anyway, why put ’em on NOW??????

 

 

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Only want to get us flayed

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Are underworked and overpaid

 

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

 

There will be no stimulation

There will be no simulation

Of any sense

 

The logic goes out of bounds

on 4th down

The flag is thrown to the ground

No touchdown

 

Shout-out to Barbara Tinsley of Louisville, Kentucky for contributions as a bus driver for TARC (Transit Authority of River City) . Barbara, you kept Louisville running for many years and was on excellent relations with your customers and got them on time. They simply didn’t pay you enough. I’m all for you getting a boost in that direction because you worked your fingers to the bone getting people to their jobs or to their doctor’s appointments. Now get some rest, Barbara. You’ve earned it.

 

 

“And we’ll be right back after this. Gil is REALLY losing his mind this time. Looks like he could use a hearing aid from one of  our sponsors, Milford Hearing’s All We Do. Might I suggest a kettledrum size for his fat head. All right, that out of the way, at Milford Hearing’s All We Do, you can get control of your life again with a hearing aid designed to fit your needs and budget. Give ’em a call today at 1-800-GOOD-EAR. All major insurance accepted. Now a word from another one of sponsors, Milford Bitchin’ Bath, with the score, the Palookas, 41, Mudlarks, 7. This is Marty Moon on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.

“Gil, don’t you think the bath tub’s a little crowded? Me and Great-Grandma Thorp and the kids are using up all the Mr. Bubble. It’s hard to wash behind the kids’ ears when Great-Grandma Thorp is trying to give herself an enema.”

“Yup, I had a major problem. The kids couldn’t use Johnson’s No More Tears because Great-Grandma Thorp globbed it all over the dog. Boy, talk about a cow lick. Well, the dog may have had a nice coat on him but the kids hair looked like Ozzy Osbourne singing ‘Paranoid’ at the Milford Pavilion. I was getting desperate. Shoot, you should have seen the problem pile up when Fred and Wilma and Pebbles and Bam Bam got in the tub. Don’t get me wrong, I like Mimi’s breasts in bed but I really didn’t feel like climbing Mt. Everest then negotiating Betty Rubble’s same topography soon after that. And Dino and Barney? Dino wasn’t about to share his rubber ducky with him.  Then Coach Andrews suggested a walk-in tub. His football team uses it when they need to practice thinking as a team. Sure, speaking as a coach, you want a mind-set in the same direction but you want a bath tub headed in that direction too.

At Milford Bitchin’ Bath, they helped me choose the right design and let me tell you, it’s nice being able to open the door to the tub and not feel as if the Titanic is sinking. I can walk in with just a towel and Mrs. Andrews and Mimi can file their nails, gossip and splishy-splash with each other, while Fred and Barney in their Fruit of the Looms  and Wilma and Betty in their Fred’s from Hollywood bikinis can hold a seance at the other end and still get clean.  And the kids can play water polo in the middle. Shazam!!!!!! Bam Bam can bang on the tub or Dino’s head and the walk-in tub with its durable vinyl will hold serve like my golf boys did in August, even with my bad coaching. And all we had to do was take out half the garage. Heck, we were just leaving grass clippings, bags of leaves from the fall, and doggie doo piles in the dust pan, anyway. And we sold our riding mower, it was 15 years old anyway. And you oughta see Great-Grandma Thorp get in without a hitch. If she’d stop annoying us with singing “It’s Your Thing”, Isley Brothers she’s not, but, oh well, you can’t have everything. But we have solved the main problem. You can too. Come to Milford Bitchin’ Bath and if you tell ’em Gil sent ya, they’ll send the Resident Plumber to perform a free toilet inspection to do prevent maintenance on those nasty clogs. No sense in having doo-doo run out your toilet unexpectedly while your tub is overpopulated at the same time. Now you have a friend in the bathroom business.”

 

Interlude, Marty really going to town on his ukulele through all those strange bubbles in the Guided by Voices video, even jumping with the lead singer, Robert Pollard, to look more ultimate cool

 

Enough of Tiki and Joe Bikel

And his video library

 

Play football on an open date

The panels reap sedentary

 

Soap operas are nice when on TV

But not in a sports comic strip

That’s lost its way

Back home

Where Gil flunked out

His ID

Confined

To his gym trunks

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Only want to make you fly

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Wish we could wave ’em goodbye

 

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

 

SSSPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLAAAAASSSHHHHHHHH

 

“Gil, Tiki did a cannonball in the walk-in tub so the toilet’s stopped up.”

 

Comment away, gang. I still think Gil will make Tiki sing “God Bless America” with Kate Smith on top of a table at The Bucket. Better reinforce the table given Kate’s girth. We need Tiki to further stagnate this plot.

 

 

Gang, I would like to remember those slain at the synagogue in Pittsburgh. It is sad that hate is still among us and that there are still reminders that we have some cruel unthinking people in the world. Being a Christian, I’m like Voltaire, “I may not agree with what you have to say but will defend your right to say it.” When someone viciously takes matters in his/her own hands, it sets back the clock on tolerance. Matthew 13 talks about spreading Good Seed. I may not be able to save the world but, through my example, I can do an act of kindness, strongly believing another person will see it and pass it on, some OTHER person will see THAT act of kindness and pass it on, etc. The beauty of this concept is, you don’t have to believe in my Faith (but obviously hope that you would, Jesus has been good to me) to do this and it makes the place a better world. Don’t overcome hate with hate, gang. Let the culprit be brought to justice through the legal system and thereby receiving his proper reward so that we don’t become like the haters. In the meantime, pray in your own way for the victims and their families.

October 30, 2018

Thanks, Marty, I Can Start My Own Matchbox Collection Again.

103018

As fellow TWIMer Vaganova noted about a couple of items that qualified for Pantheon of Mysterious Objects (and, boy, THEY QUALIFIED) , I am weighing in with my own contribution, namely from P1 that’ll get any kid filled with glee. That  Matchbox sedan with custom chrome wheels and vinyl bucket seats and a steering wheel (and a microcosmic  daredevil Evel Knievel in the driver’s seat) could pass for a microphone in any country. I bet Maxwell Smart has a couple in his pocket when battling KAOS.

 

All righty then, so NOW we know that the mystery interviewer yesterday wasn’t Donna Reed’s husband. I know he had a bit of a sardonic twinge to him but nothing like Moon Man himself. And it’s good to have him back needling Coach Thorp about his (loosely speaking)  game strategy, among other things. For 60 years, death, taxes, mutant poplar trees in the background, and Marty’s rapier wit were part of the inductive reasoning process, sure, like the sun rising in the west after 1,000,000 times of doing the opposite, you might see something different (maybe mutant elms) but then again, Nancy and Sluggo might be put up for adoption.

 

And it’s PRETTY DARN SAD when Marty’s caustic side show is now the main attraction. Folks, when I go to the circus, I watch the elephants, not the flunkies shoveling their droppings after they got the audience clapping with approval when . Dumbo sat on his hind legs, begging for a Milk Bone (“Sit, Dumbo, Sit”) . You old-timers remember The Family Circus when they would show their one panel in the Sunday paper but on the side, evidently Bil Keane, the artist (God Bless You, My Man, kept us kids entertained for eons, Jeffy, (Bil’s son, now the artist), keep the tradition alive) , allowed his kids to create some cartoons to the side of the panel and they were entertaining because the little panels made a pun which was published below the little vignette? I always got a kick out them but carrying this to a faltering plotline is infusing a dead horse with unnecessary nutriments. Shoot Mr. Ed, Marty and Gil. Thrust and Parry for this travesty is like watching Jerry Lawler and the Moon Dogs battle it out at the Memphis Coliseum for what’s inside the Trix box.

 

Mimi reading the Sunday Comix in The Milford Enquirer

“Marty Moon and Gil”

Above the caption, a kid named Marty is displaying his butt to all the piranhas in the family aquarium

“Mommy, what happened to The Family Circus? It’s all smudgy and yucky.”

 

 

While I was reading “Parade” in the Milford Sunday Enquirer, I ran across an ad for hearing aids which claimed that loss of hearing leads to Alzheimer’s Disease.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm

Okay, I’ve solved one problem (beat the Hardy Boys at their own game-YESSSSSSSSS!!!!) . Gil’s inept coaching can be solved by upgrading his Beltone. And Mimi will know what to stuff in the stocking at Christmas.

“Boy, what a holiday, Mimi. Apples, candy canes, peppermints, sugar plums, Reese’s 6-Pak Mimi’s, Oreos, Fritos Chili Chips, slice of fruit cake and hearing aids. ’tis the Season.

Now onward to solve another problem and FINALLY capture the Holy Grail.

“Mimi, do you think the kids wrapped my hearing aid in those ties with the Mudlark logo on them?”

“I don’t know”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oops, I was watching the Monty Python Marathon. Hope they can yank Mimi out of the fireplace. Anyhoo

Great Grandma Maltilda Eleazar Naomi Thorp comes to visit Gil & family.

“Gil, she is an interesting person. And she’s holding up well for 137-years old.”

“Yup, she and Ms. Rizk and Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies were all on the cheerleading squad at the same high school and were in the same graduating class.”

“But I’m a little worried. She got pulled over for a DUI last week in her 1897 Camaro. She also almost drank out of the Glidden Vanilla White paint can, thinking it was milk. Then she backed into the verandah and that’s going to take a month to repair.”

“I understand. We’ll just have to have our meaningless tete-a-tetes at the Milford Lounge until I can get an estimate from Milford Deck & Patio Furnishments. We can put up with the sand volleyball tournaments until then. The Thanksgiving Macy’s Day Parade Double-Elimination Extravaganza will evaporate before you know it and we can talk about your basketball team without a hitch. We can manage a discussion about your 5-game schedule above the juke box, no problem.”

“But how do we solve a problem like Great-Grandma Thorp?”

 

“Good question. I had no answer. Kinda how my coaching’s gone for 60 years. But this was serious.

Sure, I paid the bail. No fun sharing a cell with O.J. or Charles Manson or Sweeney Todd. And that’s I took it as an omen to take charge of her hearing..

At Milford Hearing’s All We Do, they have a wide selection of hearing aids designed to deal with an assortment of problems, from tone-deaf so that you don’t get swept in a nuclear fallout while your hearing aid is in your purse to the ones who just need a boost in their audio functions.

Now, my great-grandmother is living life to the fullest, thanks to the good people at Milford Hearing’s All We Do. We didn’t have to reconsolidate our debt and Granny called the other Granny to have lunch at Granny’s Beverly Hillbilly mansion with Jed and Elly May (Jethro had National Guard duty) . They were planning on reminiscing about their high school days and Granny was even going to share with Granny the photo of them posing with President McKinley before a high school basketball game  when they were cheerleaders. Her hearing sounds fine to me. Priceless.”

 

WHO SHOT COACH SHAW?

At the local precinct, next to the Milford Grand Canyon

“We can rule out Mildred Thorp, Gil’s great-grandmother. Several eyewitnesses saw her at the William Jennings Bryan convention.”

“Who’s he?”

“No idea. As long as he ain’t in Hilary’s Commie party, I’m good.”

“Yeah? Well, Trump  stuck his foot in his mouth again, called us the Mudlacks and Gil is upset. And I still say he’s guttin’ our health insurance…”

 

At The Bucket on a Saturday night after a Milford High School victory in ANY sport

Great-Grandma Thorp is on the soda fountain counter, doing The Charleston to James Brown’s “Get Up, I Feel Like Being a Sex Machine.”

Poetry in motion

The O’Jays “For The Love of Money” is on the jukebox

“Geez, how she can do the Fox Trot on the grill while the cook is flippin’ Bucket Burgers is a minor miracle.”

“Agreed. Her hearing aid is as big as a tuba but she’s rockin’ the night away. Can’t wait till they play ‘I Wonder Why He’s The Greatest Dancer’. I heard she boogies better than Donna Summer.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Reba McIntire Engaged At 63 To O.J.!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Negotiating team making progress on monitoring O.J. while out of jail on their honeymoon.”

 

 

PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY

PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC RIGHT

 

“Grandma, I gotta sit down. I only slept 4 hours cuz I was searching all night for a punter.”

“HORSE FEATHERS!!!!!!!!! You whippersnapper, if I can whip this French horn in my head and do the splits at the same time without ripping my Depends, then you still got some air in the tank!!!!!! Now trip the light fantastic!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

It’s nice to see Gil went to Floyd the Barber to get a haircut. I didn’t know Floyd was adept at usin’ the scissors to shape a Max Headroom mien. But Floyd, I think you’re stretching things if you try this same shearing method on Barney Fife or Otis the Drunk. You gonna go to his cell while O.J. is sleeping and make an attempt? Good luck.

“Oh, Barney, don’t get discouraged. It takes a while for Thelma Lou to get used to radical ideas. I think your hair looks fine. It still within the Mayberry City Code.”

 

Shout out to Lisa Kik, of Prospect, Kentucky, for her 1st Place championship in Special Olympics Bowling. I would also like to remember her father, her grandfather, and grandmother who encouraged her mightily along the way to achievements like this. That’s what it’s all about. It takes a team to win and no better example than right here. Lisa, keep plugging away as you represent America and what it can accomplish if you keep trying. Congratulations, Lisa.

 

In the center of the floor at The Bucket, a Donald Duck voice is eminent

“…Aw, get down, Mama, ya got some moooovvveesss…”

DISCO

DISCO DUCK!!!!

DISCO

DISCO DUCK!!!!

“Gil, I’m amazed at your great-grandma’s imitations. Loved her take on Ronald Reagan.

Somebody yelling “Giddy-up, Grandma, Giddy-up!!!!!!!!!!!” and “Way to jack that hearing aid to turbocharge, Granny!!!!!!!!!!” awakens Gil.

“Huh, what? Oh yeah, Reagan was a great president.”

“Oh, Gil, phooey. You missed the part where they had to send her to the Time-Out Table. She was displaying her Depends while they were playing ‘You Show Me Yours (And I’ll Show You Mine)’ The place was en fuego.”

Thanks to Cheryl Hogan of Louisville, Kentucky for her contribution to the last scenario. Keep livin’, Cheryl. We need you.

 

And just when we were getting settled into a plot of SOME kind, P3 is potentially veering off in ANOTHER DIRECTION. Thorpiverse, there are only 4 points on the compass. We’re not utilizing the 3-dimension Vulcan plan and hoping we land on Deneb somewhere to establish diplomatic relations with its people. Can we leave Dr. Spock out of Milford, for cryin’ out loud? Enough directions in this plot already.

Sure, Coach Stuard (RIP, Coach, you were a HUGE influence on my playing and coaching) used to teach me “Never let ’em see you sweat”, something Gil is saying in P2 and with good reason. And it appears as if we are rapidly approaching normalcy. P3, with Mr. T and his teammmates in a quandary over whether Tiki is on Mars, on a milk carton, or in the bathroom puking out the stress, sends normalcy back on the USS Enterprise for Dr. McCoy to examine. This might be a trekkie mini-series at the rate we’re going.

 

While Great-Grandmother Thorp is performing live with Dino and Frankie, pursuing the Oldies-but-Goldies route, with Killers (trust me) lie “Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime”, “New York, New York”, “In The Wee Small Hours”, “Tuxedo Junction”, “Strangers in the Night”, etc. at The Sands in Milford, Coach Thorp is encountering a bit of a problem.

“$&%@+*/=<>, this machine doesn’t want to spit out anything!!!!!!!!!”

“Gil, you can’t win ’em all.The slot machines will pay off in the long run.”

“Mimi, I’m trying to get M & M’s out of this @%$&*(+=#$% gumball machine!!!!!!!!! That’s the 8th quarter!!!!!!!! Got any more in your purse???????”

 

Gang, it’s all yours. I’m going with the A-Team to look for Tiki. Did anybody check that high school building at the beginning of Funky Winkerbean?

 

“Couple #3, Coach Shaw and Mrs. Coach Shaw, what animal will your wife say best imitates your sexual desire? Is it A) Gorilla B) Donkey C) Raccoon or D) Whale. Coach?

“Most definitely, a gorilla. I go to bed like Tarzan and I am KING OF THE JUNGLE!!!!!!!!! All the other animals in the jungle and in the bedroom are afraid of me!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Well, Tarzan, I hate to break it to you but she answered ‘Whale'”

“Honey, you have a big body, you splash around a lot under the covers, and you smash all the fishies and all my hot flashes with a big SPLAT!!!!!!!!!!! But you never get to the bottom of the ocean!!!!!!!”

“No way you can get to the buried treasure if you don’t dive, Coach Shaw.”

Audience roars with laughter at Eubanks’ last gem. On cue, naturally.

THANK YOU to Matthew Maloney, of Fern Creek, Kentucky, for help with the last comedy idea. Keep chuggin’ at Kroger, Big Guy. You’re not only funny, you keep America working. And strong.

 

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Mildred Thorp Welcomed Into Rat Pack!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Peter Lawford out after fallout with Frankie.”

October 25, 2018

It’s Tiki Season

Filed under: ?, general nonsense, Milford Weirdos, Prairie Style Windows — tdrewhardin @ 4:17 pm

102518

Gang, remember when Elmer Fudd would be slinking along in his hunting boots et al and be deep in the pits of Mother Nature, proudly proclaiming that it’s “Wabbit Season HAHAHAHAHAHA”? That’s why it wasn’t registering when The Hardy Boys were doing ANYTHING but football. Putting the season on another sabbatical until Halloween will fry your brain big-time.

So now we come to the point where they are taking Yogi’s cue, i.e., if ya see a fork in the road, take it. Assuming that Tiki is not going to ruin his Bridgestones on the curb ahead of him, that fork should lead to some interesting ramifications, not that we’ll learn any football along the way. No, If he turns to the right, as he alleged, we won’t run into Joe Namath’s Quarterback Skills Camp, held at the Milford Elementary playground (“If you’ll get offa that jungle gym, I’LL teach you how to scramble”) , and if he turns to the left as he’s DOING unless he’s doing a doughnut and causing further distractions to this Pandora’s Box, we probably won’t see Coach Belichek giving a lecture on spearing at the Milford Community College Lecture Hall (“I used to aim for the glutes”) .

SO WHERE IS HE GOING??????

Before we unseal the envelope and get to the bottom of his whereabouts and pray he doesn’t get swept up in the Kanamits’ next flight at Milford Int’l, I’m imagining ridiculous scenarios where Hardy Boy #1 finds a pair of Tiki’s Fruit of the Looms that a buzzard was pecking at in the middle of the road, then more along the way that leads onto a trail that leads onto that trail…

“Hardy Boy #1, this tree house is where he lives!!!!!! Wow, you can see the back of Kohl’s!!!!!! So that’s where Milford Sanitation dumps its wares. Peeeewwwwweeee, you couldn’t track down a dinosaur, it stinks so bad back here. And his Fruit of the Looms all have brown stains on them and I KNOW those aren’t deer droppings on the ground. That one pair we found on that willow tree branch was an EPA hazard.”

“True, Hardy Boy # 2 but are you SURE that’s where he lives?”

“Yes. There were posters of Lady Gaga, Bo Derek, Raquel Welch, Paris Hilton, and Jennifer Lopez on one wall and his favorite NFL teams on the other, plus a family portrait on his desk next to his bed. He was the one with the peach fuzz. His dad was picking his butt just as the camera snapped. Apparently, Milford Photo doesn’t do retakes.”

“I’m still not convinced, Hardy Boy #2.”

“There was also a letter on his desk where was writing to his grandmother at Milford Senior Living Center where he was complaining that Coach Thorp needs to quit sipping martinis at the International Coaches Clinic held at the Milford Expo Center and he’d seen better coaches at Greyhound.”

“That’s Tiki.”

 

Shout-out to Anna Lenk at First Transit in Louisville, Kentucky. She comes in every day with a purpose and works her tail off to make sure the bus routes are in excellent order and they ALWAYS are. You make my job easier, My Friend. She is also VERY knowledgeable about the way things work around the place. It’s good to know where to go if you need info, especially when schedules are tight. You come through EVERY time to get passengers on time. You have my admiration and respect. You make America go.

 

Another theory

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Tiki’s Whereabouts Revealed In Tract #23 In The Milford Fish & Wildlife Area By Local Hunter!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Shaw: I figured that wasn’t my deer blind. Mine don’t have security cameras and there was a Sonitrol sign nailed to a sycamore tree under his domicile on one of the branches.”

 

Still another theory

 

8:43 PM It was chilly in Milford but the skies were clear. The same couldn’t be said for this plot. Anyway, you could see every star in the sky.The WMFD weather forecaster called for rain later.

My partner, Bill Gannon and I, were working the Social Services Division of the Missing Persons Bureau, specializing in Missing Details of Personal Inventory, SWAT Unit. The boss is Captain Pearl.

We had been staking out the living quarters of Tiki Jensen at his apartment or so it was reported.  We hid behind The Good Humor Man’s Twirlmobile so no one would notice. Dispatch wasn’t certain, having been informed that they were actually living in the restrooms at Milford Park, Dad and son in the men’s room, Mom and sister in the women’s room, the Skid Row slugs in the unisex room, etc. They were 24-hour jobs. Bill blew a wad there occasionally, careful to never utilize the unisex room, having caught some tourists from Thailand changing their Baby’s diaper. He let it all hang out in Stall #2 of the men’s room, his favorite hangout, especially after he had plunged into the buffet table at Fong’s Chung King Cafe ‘n’ Coffee, a little hole in the wall, situated next to Milford Clay Oven. Bill would catch up on the haps in the Milford Enquirer while sitting on his throne.

Captain Pearl had advised us to exercise caution as pistol shots were heard from time to time. Some people were disgusted that there was no Charmin to soften their asses, evidently. At any rate, Bill and I were ready with our Sig Sauers, ready for action. Not all loud noises were obnoxious farts from excessive Van Camp’s Pork ‘n’ Beans.

“Whattya think, Joe?”

“Ahhhhh, too risky. Tiki’s dad could go postal if there’s not enough Wet Ones in the paper towel dispenser.”

“Doesn’t Tiki have homework?”

“Negative. Headquarters confirmed his book report on “Napoleon at Waterloo” and his math assignments were all turned in. We’ll never nail him on truancy.”

“What about his sister?”

“Gotta keep an eye on her. She went up the river on armed robbery a few years ago. Word around the neighborhood is that she’s desperate and might be tempted to hold up the Milford 7-11.”

“That hungry, huh?”

“Appears so. Father was denied welfare because he was earning too much income at Milford Foundry. Don’t see how, all he does is lug junk steel into the chutes. But I don’t make the rules.”

“Guy’s in the lowdown, for sure.”

“Looks that way.”

From behind that locked door next to the boulder, the Hardy Boys arrive on the scene. They spot Friday’s Ford Gran Torino squad cruiser ducked behind the Good Humor Man’s Twirlmobile. The Good Humor Man has called it a night, sleeping in Stall #3, Stall #2 padlocked, reserved for Gannon and Friday, should nature call while on a high speed chase.

“Joe!!!!!! Bill!!!!!! We got something!!!!!!!”

“How many times do I gotta warn you? It’s Mr. Friday and Mr. Gannon!!!!!!!!! I won’t tell you again!!!!!!!! I’ll nail your hind ends on a Section 458, ‘Insubordination and Impedimentation to a Police Officer while in the Line of Duty’!!!!!!!!! And tuck in that shirt!!!!!!!!!!! And use Head & Shoulders on that mohawk!!!!!!!!!”

“But Mr. Friday and Mr. Gannon, we found Tiki’s jersey. It was in the cesspool by the Milford KFC where they dump their chicken bones and unused cole slaw. He was washing his uniform there. YUK!!!!!! It’s got mashed potato stains all over it.”

“That doesn’t prove anything, you losers. I could have been on the team the way Coach Thorp is recruiting!!!!!!!”

“Sir, Coach has all the waterboys he needs.”

Bill Gannon stifles a snicker.

“Look, you vermin, I could slap the cuffs on you for a Title 89, Section 188 ‘Unauthorized Investigation with Intent to Interfere with Police Proceedings’, but I’m in a good mood. But don’t press your luck. Either give me something to work with or hit the road, Jack, and don’t cum back no mo’.”

Gannon is a bit stupified at Joe’s street language.

“Well, he left a trail, a jock strap with his name stenciled on it, his football pants, his cleats, his shoulder pads, his knee inserts, his mouth guard on the mulberry bush, ooooooeeeee, shoulda seen the mulberry stains-“

“Cut to the cheese and give me some action.”

“We found his house. It’s a cave.”

“I’m in no mood for jokes. I’ll haul you off on a Section 315-“

“No, No, we’re not kidding. It’s really a cave. Part of Milford Spelunker’s Club property. They all reside in a cubby hole and, well, except for no door to keep the Avon Lady or Jehovah’s Witness out, the poverty is not all that bad. They have a wide-screen TV, automatic dishwasher, refrigerator with a tap, in fact, they to wash their clothes in the pool of shit because the washing machine is on the blink. The Maytag Man came by and will have to order parts. But they live like you and-“

“Awright, awright, we’ll do the investigating around here. You punks get to bed. You’re worse than Adam-12. At least they wore a badge. Scramble so you can make tomorrow’s Tackling Concepts practice!!!! You’re out of your league around here. Coach may let you run hog-wild and neglect your football obligations but I’ll run you in on a Section 2519, ‘Impersonating a Comic Strip’. Now Beat it!!!!!!!”

Gannon with one last gasp.

“How did you find us, anyway? We try to camouflage this buggy so that Allen Funt can’t even find us.”

“Simple. We figured the Good Humor Man doesn’t smoke Bel-Airs and your lentil soup breath was reeking pretty bad. We never knew the Good Humor Man to frequent the Milford 24-Hour Diner.”

“All right!!!!!!! That’s enough!!!!!!! Scram!!!!!!!

“Say ‘Hello’ to Elvis and Humphrey on The Boulevard of Broken Dreams.”

“Easy, Joe. They’re not worth it. Stick your derringer back in your holster. Okay, Sons, run along, like the man says.”

 

Another theory

 

Joe and Tiki in Tract #16 of Milford Fish & Wildlife Area, yanking off a picture of each other on the sugar maple tree in front of them

RRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP

“It’s Tiki Season!!!!!!!!!”

RRRRIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP

“It’s Bolek Season!!!!!!!!!!

RRRRIIIPPPPPPPPPPPP

“It’s Tiki Season!!!!!!!!!!

RRRRIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP

“It’s Bolek Season!!!!!!!!!!!”

RRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPP

A picture of Gil appears

“Whoopsy daisy, gotta catch the limo or I’ll be late for The Newlywed Game tonight. My wife will kill me if don’t shower and shave.”

Later, after Gil disappears into the bramble.

“Shhhhhhh!!!!!!! Be vewy, vewy quiet. We’re hunting Gilbertos.”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

 

On “The Newlywed Game”, held one night in the banquet hall of the Milford Elks Club

“Couple #1, Gil and Mimi, what image will your wife say comes to mind when she has your whim whim on her mind, A) A gigantic Lincoln Log B) A Beanie-Weenie C) A pool cue stick or D) A railroad tie on the Milford & Oakwood rail?”

“Oh most definitely a railroad tie.”

“Well, Gil, hate to break it to ya, buddy, but she answered…(Mimi holding up card) a Beanie Weenie.”

“Honey, you’re always enjoying my pile drives. What changed your tune?”

“Weelllllll, Gil, Sometimes I fake it just to get through the night and…”

Bob Eubanks, egging it on to boost the ratings and watch the audience howl with laughter at any standoff

“Mimi, do you enjoy it when you’re NOT faking it? Now come on, be honest.”

“Oh, sure. Sometimes Gil buys some anti-Dysfunction medicine at Walgreen’s and his #2 pencil changes into a decent Lincoln Log. After the kids get done making a log cabin out of it.”

The obligatory deluge of mirth rains down on Gil and Mimi, Gil using Mimi’s answer card to hide his face, Bob Eubanks laughs his Seal of Approval and prepares himself for the next couple. Bob Eubanks has done his job.

“Couple # 2, Coach Shaw and…”

 

“That’s right, Bob Eubanks really stuck it to me in the behind, but figuratively, of course. The important thing is that I needed help and the next time we get on the Newlywed game, I’ll be ready. That’s because the treatment programs at Milford Men’s Clinic really  work and aid and abet in the cause of Technical Ecstasy, oops, my bad, gotta quit bringin’ in the Black Sabbath days when I was a hippie for a day, SEXUAL ecstasy. With newfound confidence, we may be on a waiting list for the show, but the rematch and the trip to the Bahamas plus a $1000 gift certificate to Milford Kohl’s that we’ll win will all be worth the effort, in bed and in the studio. Stuffing the cue cards in Bob’s boxers will be sweet. Kinda like beating Tod Andrews after he dumped me. Stop by the Milford Men’s Clinic today and get your slice of the revenge. No better feeling than to know Bob and I have the same hairdo but only I can dish out the paybacks. Revenge is sweet.”

 

Gang, Go to it. I’ll be riding in Joe and Bill’s squad car on the lookout for football since we supposedly have Tiki in our sights. I coached baseball with two policeman when I was in Babe Ruth League Baseball, so they cut me some slack. All I gotta do is roll the windows down so I don’t have to inhale that Bel-Air smoke and I’m in Heaven. They understand.

 

Still another theory (And thanks to Joe Szerletich from Louisville, Kentucky, for help with the idea)

 

“I’m sorry, Mr. Friday, I had all these spray cans of VO5 because I was hungry and thought I could sell them on the black market. I know rules are rules and Gil was missing them from his shed but I was starving. You understand the Greater Good, don’t you?”

“All I understand is that I’m gonna nail you on a Penal Code 43, Section 685, ‘Intent to-What’s that music? And where’s Bill? Something fishy going on.”

Bill Gannon and Allen Funt come out of a black bear’s lair

“Smiiilllleee, you’re on Candid Camerrrrraaaaaaa.”

 

 

“Couple #3, Marty and Peaches, 25 points will give you 60 points and the lead. What is favorite ritual will your wife say you prefer to perform before you make whoopee? Marty?”

“I’d have to say both of us dancing in the raw to ‘Classical Gas’ by Mason Williams on my old 45 player in the basement.”

“Well, Marty, she didn’t see it that way. She answered ‘Scratching up against the hackberry tree next to your retreat house at Mudlark Lake.”

“Peaches, you KNOW I use that to eliminate the mosquitos around the place? How are we going to make whoopee when there’s fleas in my pubic hair?”

“Maybe you should use a flea collar next time.”

The crowd spits out their Mudlar-K-Blueberry Blast Cola on that one.

Bob Eubanks has done his job.

October 23, 2018

This Plot Goes On And It Drives Us Mad

102318

Where do we go from here

Now that Tiki is camping in Gil’s place

And how does he spend his time

When the plot forges on at a snail’s pace

 

ANOTHER HARDY BOY’S MYSTERY???????????? CAN WE AT LEAST GET SOME FOOTBALL WHILE ENCYCLOPEDIA BROWN AND SALLY KIMBALL TRACK DOWN WHERE BUGS MEANY LIVES??????????????

My goodness, I’m sure they’ll discover, probably to no one’s surprise, that Bugs Meany and his family have their own private Hooverville house at Milford Skid Row. They followed Bugs’ (not Bugs Bunny, to avoid any resemblence which would be REALLY coincidental) trail of Jack Daniels bottles back to his house, or really loosely speaking, abode. It keeps the rain out, give him that. Anyway, the Hardy Boys will more than likely find a similar path starting with the sandwich Tiki is devouring in P2. Are we SURE his mom packed that in his lunch box this morning along with Sun Maid raisins, Lays Sun Chips, Hi-C cooler, and Hostess Twinkie or did Tiki hock that from the incinerator in the Maintenance Room? The Hardy Boys should have checked there first. After non-contact drills, of course. Anyway, if the janitors check all the garbage cans and dumpsters and detect that all the PB & J, Ham & Rye, Tuna Fish and Scrambled Egg, Brain, Bacon ‘n’ Pork Rind, and Reuben sandwiches were pilfered from designated repositories, then it’s hard for me to imagine, as desperate Gil is to resuscitate this plot, that he would stoop that low, literally and figuratively. There could be only one culprit and he’s eating the evidence even as I text.

But hey, the Hardy Boys could always sneak into Coach Thorp’s office and check his mini-fridge after blocking drills on Thursday just to be sure.

“WOW, look at all these Bacon ‘n’ Egg Croissants!!!!!!!!!!!”

Elmer Fudd follows the string of Michelob Lite beer cans from the edge of the Wal-Mart property deep into the Milford Wildlife Management Area until Mr. Fudd pinpoints a rabbit hole next to a camellia bush, half-eaten by the other Bugs (not Bugs Meany, do I have to keep reminding you???????) that he surely washed down with the Michelob Lite (Here’s to good friends, tonight is kinda special, a hollyhock and Lowenbrau among your fishing buddies after you caught a shark. Life is good) . Elmer points the blunderbuss into the hole. Hope Bugs Bunny isn’t hung over. “Aw wight, wabbit, say your pwayers.”

 

Shout-out goes to Vincent Natalie of Louisville, Kentucky, who was a housing inspector for years, and with his solid work ethic and great personality, would have kept going had God not told him to relax and enjoy life. Unlike many housing inspectors, Vincent learned you catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar and approached every landlord and tenant that way. they would gladly proceed and comply with his orders which were ALWAYS reasonable. If government was ALWAYS that way, we’d get more done. Vincent, you were great to talk to the other day and I hope to talk to you some more in the future. Enjoy your retirement. You’ve earned it.

 

BTW, While the Hardy Boys and Milkman are on a rampage,  I’ll be using “The Turn of a Friendly Card”, you whippersnappers, from the Alan Parsons Project, to aid them in their pursuit of justice. Need help somewhere.

 

I have been reading on one of my favorite subjects, math, and I read something interesting on probability.

It seems that Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades (assuming that Hercules and Atlas were busy with the kids) threw dice and Zeus wound up with the earth, Poseidon, the oceans, and Hades, well, I think you can put 2+2 on that one.

But my imagination is running wild

“I drew Milford AGAIN?????? Let me see those dice!!!!!!!!!

 

And by my calculations, it appears in P1 that the Spaceship Enterprise has landed in the Milford High School parking lot (Security ordered Captain Kirk to park the vehicle in the Student Section) for, I’m thinking, a seminar with the students. I’m ruling out a pep assembly. And, lo and behold, if it isn’t Samuel Llewellyn Spock, Dr. Spock’s grandson, shooting a stare at our victim, Tiki Time Bomb. Careful with that Vulcan Submission Hold that your granddaddy used on his enemies. We’re talking a prospective slum king here and it’s not necessary to implement desperate measures.

“OKAY!!!! OKAY!!!!! We live under the bridge and we eat out at Hardee’s every night!!!!!!!! At least it’s char-broiled!!!!!! And, OKAY, we sleep on the dead sassafras trees and lay our heads down on the foliage. Now will you let go of my shoulder?????

 

Where do go from here

Now that Tiki lacks toilets or floor space

And how will he go to class

If he’s blocked by the presence of Gil’s face

 

At a book sale, I ran across a book entitled “How to make a Tornado”.

This week’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O. J. Suing Milford High School Concerning Home-Made Tornado After His Mudlark Lake Beach House Was Razed To The Ground; Scuba Divers Recover His MVP Trophy In The Bottom Of The Lake!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub head line

“Trial will begin in February 2019 after his lawyer, Johnny Cochrane, gets his condominium appraised of damages.”

 

Nothing forward

Nothing gained

This plot wades on

And it bears much pain

I’d rather eat borscht in the rain

Topped with candy cane

Crap festers more and more profane

 

We’ve got common sense to lose (We’ve got common sense to lose)

We’ve got Alpo Beef for news (We oughta be belching out this news)

 

Shout-out to Beverly Tyler of Clarksville, Indiana. Two, count ’em, two broken ankles in the past, yet she has overcome and cheerfully goes to work every day as if nothing ever happened. She is truly an inspiration to me and has shown me how you can beat the odds just by making that first step. She gets up EARLY to boot. Wow. Gang, I think she loves her job and life too. Give her respect, gang. Lots of it.

 

And as long as The Hardy Boys are not going to learn their lesson AND STICK TO SPORTS (remember the stern lecture Gil gave them last year when they and Joe Friday and Bill Gannon were staking out Aardvark’s place?) , I have to admire their process of elimination in P3. No, if he’s eating Spam instead of Prime Rib, Ken’l Ration instead of Filet Mignon, Fried Tuna instead of Lobster, we can safely posit that Tiki’s family does not own a time-share cabin next to Marty’s beach house at Mudlark Lake Resort.

“Joe and Bill-“

“That’s Mr. Friday and Mr. Gannon, to you, punks.”

“Anyway, look at this trail of Tender Vittles. Smells like they eat a lot of the Shrimp variety. It’s leading to that chalet by that huge pin oak tree.”

 

Annnnnddddddd, I saw this at a Kroger in my hometown in the Frozen aisle on an endcap

Denali Extreme Maximum Fudge Moose Tracks (for those of you keeping score at home)

Sooooooooooooo at the Milford Clay Oven, The Taste of the Himalayas, now offering free delivery, brought to your doorstep in 30 minutes or less or the order’s free

“Waiter, there’s a roach in my wife’s Fish Curry Vindaloo Soup.”

“And the chefs didn’t sprinkle enough paprika in the Samosa Chat Moose Tracks. I’m usually fartin’ up a storm by the time me and Gil get to our Nissan Sentra.”

“Believe me, I have to roll down all the windows when we drive out of the parking lot. We have to give our kids Flintstones Chewables to flush themselves of the stench.”

“But this time, I haven’t even bothered to reach for my Rolaids.”

 

“Officer, how’d you know I was with Milford Clay Oven? The cherry top on the Domino’s, Papa John’s, and the Pizza Hut cars are all shaped the same.”

“Simple. Yours was the only one in Urdu. BTW, I’ll let you off with a warning if you’ll let me sample that Ultimate Vegetable Korma Moose Tracks.”

 

 

 

“Okay, here’s your Chicken Tikka Masala, your Tandoori Chicken Salad, your Chicken Pakora, your Denali Vegetable Karma Ghia Pakora ‘n’ Baked Beans Krishna Karamel Baghavad Vita Wienerschnitzel On The Rocks Tandoori Waldorf Salad Maximum Ne Plus Ultra Chocolate Vanilla Strawberries ‘n’ Cream Ghi Moose Tracks Ice Cream, and your Kiddie Whopper And Fries. Oh, I forgot your 6-pack of Bud Lite on your coupon special.”

“That’s correct. I receive a free 6-pack brewskie of my choice when I purchase $85.00 worth on the menu, am I right?”

“You are correct. Anything else?”

“I think that’ll do it.”

“Thank you. Have a nice day.”

“Thanks for coming out to Oakwood.”

“Anytime, Mr. Andrews.”

 

Nothing’s good and Gil’s been had

The tripe shoves on

And it drives me mad

The writing flubs

And the story’s bad

For the ending, I’ll be glad

Eliminate this passing fad

 

Gil’s got nothing left to lose (Gil’s got gray lint in his shoes)

He oughta admimister fresher news (He’s waxing increasingly obtuse)

 

Ian Bairnson’s guitar solo, brilliant virtuoso as he always is (never disappoints) , leads us intooooooooo

“And that’ll do it. Coach T finds another way to lose one. Who’s gonna be his next kicker,  Donald Duck? Well, while I’m scanning the Disney Channel, allow me to pause for a commercial. We’ll be back to wrap up this travesty of justice. Your final, Jefferson, Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns, 23, Milford, 21, you’re listening to Marty Moon on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“Fans, while you’re listening to Marty’ bull, I have a question.

Is your sex life on the rocks? Is the only time you get erect is when you stand at attention and salute the flag? Is your wife spending more time dropping off the kids at soccer practice than in bed?

Hi, this is Gil Thorp, And I can certainly relate, having experienced my own Erectile Dysfunction nightmares. Talk about “Tales from the Darkside”.

My weenie could have passed as the host of the show, it was that frightful. Mimi was about to call a werewolf, she was desperate for something exciting, even if it meant her heart would be ripped out or whatever werewolves do, I never watched the show, I was busy incompetently coaching the team. If all she had to do was stick a silver Bic pen in his neck to get stuck herself, it was worth going all the way for them. Thank God the werewolf’s number was unlisted.

And, I know, the Milford Men’s Clinic at the Mall got leveled to the ground by that tornado, created by a Senior Project. I still think some people need to get a life. However, don’t let some careless asshole who misapplied Erlenmeyer flasks and pipettes on the 2nd floor of the chem lab at Milford High School derail you from the pleasure you seek. The good news is that the Downtown location wasn’t even touched. And you can get the same treatment programs there that work just as well. By Gum, all you gotta do is locate the Empire State Building and you’re gonna score, in bed and in finding the place cuz the Clinic is right next to it. I’m not good on geography, some say I’m not good on coaching, but I’ll bet Marty Moon’s retreat house at Mudlark Lake Resort that if I can find it, you can too. Plenty of free parking in the rear and they’ll even validate your parking stub if you park in the Milford Municipal Lot.

Improving my sexual arousal and picking up my bar tab, er, parking bill, now that’s a winning combo. Pippin and Jordan couldn’t park their pick-ups any better.

And while the idiots who were careless with Mother Nature will serve In-School Suspension for their malfeasance, the Mall location will rise from the ashes, a Phoenix mating with its female counterpart, ready to soar their sex life through the uprights, this time winning the game. No referee to throw a flag on this one.

 

Comment away, gang. And if you’re in the area, stop by Coffee Crossing in New Albany, Indiana (Grant Line Road exit) . I was impressed by their selection of lattes, cappucinos, coffees, and scones, among other goodies, lots of ’em, at reasonable prices. If you’re on your way to work or need a lunch break, stop by. Support Small Business, gang, You need a place where everybody knows your name.

 

“Hmmmmm. Bill, this tastes like Mudlar-K-Pineapple Plus Cola. They must be skimpy on the soft drinks.”

“Mr. Friday, it could be Donald Duck Orange Juice. I’ve seen Tiki snarf tons of the stuff.”

“You punks run along and go home!!!!!!!!! You’ve got calesthnics and conditioning at 0600 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

No this plot never ends

When Gil’s World all depends

On the turn

Of a friendly

Foot

October 18, 2018

A Funny Thing Happened To Me On The Way To Gil’s Office

Filed under: actual action, football, freak feet, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Pissy faced Gil — tdrewhardin @ 4:05 pm

101818

“Something appealing

Something appalling

Something for EVERYONE

A comedy tonight”

 

Oh, this isn’t “A Funny Thing Happened  On The Way To The Forum”. I was confused for a sec. When I saw those Roman Colosseum seats in P1, I was led astray. And while I’m being led down the Wide Path to Destruction, it occured to me that it really wouldn’t be a good idea to lug Orville Redenbacher’s Jumbo Popcorn and 26 bottles of Canada Dry Ginger Ale and 37 cups of Coca-Cola and 15 boxes of M & M’s Peanut up Mount Everest. You might want to have that all airlifted if you plan on sitting in the top row to watch Milford get thrown to the lions.

And do you old-timers (like moi) or even movie watchers in toto (like Bolek and his munchkins) remember that Roman guard in the same movie who was the biggest bully this side of Pug and his Uglies? What instigated the misunderstanding was the Miles Gloriosus pose Tiki is displaying in P1. Well, I suppose there isn’t any distinction between being out of your element by assuming the role of a cornerback-nee-kicker and  consequently getting bummed out from interfering with the receiver, the shot of the play appearing to be a good call so he can’t blame the zebras (not the ones in Marty’s condo in Mudlark Lake Resort to avert any further consternation) and his heartbreak over the loss of Philia, sort of the Juliet in the movie (Although the death was staged in the movie although you could really say that for this plot, really not much difference BETWEEN the movie and this plot thus far when the final penalty flag lands to the ground) , grabbing his helmet in a state of mourning over the loss of Philia/getting a flag thrown on him that decides the game although it’s hard for me to imagine his singing a dirge for the penalty like he did for Philia in the movie. But stranger things have happened. Just don’t throw your mouthpiece out in the woods, Miles. Philia would have wanted you to exert self-control. Not worth it.

THEN I didn’t see Buster Keaton running out of the poplars onto the field to do a Franco Harris Miracle Run so I knew this was Thorpiverse. Unfortunately. Buster was more entertaining.

 

I would LOVE to give a shout-out to Delisa English of Louisville, Kentucky. She is bubbly and vivacious and though confined to a wheelchair, her spirit, her will, her determination, her intelligence, and her love of life know no bounds. She went to a job-finding agency to show she can still cut it in the workaday world. SHE CAN cut it, gang, and she has my blessing to pursue her dreams along the way. Delisa, you deserve to be recognized because you represent America. Can-do lives on, thanks to you.

 

Because I am unclear on the concept when I saw a restaurant this past week displaying as part of its logo “Scratch Kitchen”, I will enlighten myself by exploring a couple of  (or more) possibilities.

At the Milford Clay Oven, The Taste of the Himalayas, Scratched to your Satisfaction

Gil complains to the manager

“The chicken in this Chicken Tikka Masala wasn’t scratched sufficiently. It tastes like a Goodrich tire. At least a Goodyear tire has more texture.And the kiddie fries from the Children’s Menu barely got scraped. How many times did you say you sent them through the nutmeg grinder?”

“Gil, did you mention that the Vegetable Korma weren’t massaged properly?”

“You bet I did, Mimi. I told him the Lima beans didn’t have enough scratch marks like a an old 45 “Elvis Presley-Burnin’ Love” when you and the kids were in the Clay Oven Playland.”

 

If ya complain to management at the Milford Fazoli’s that the kitchen crew didn’t apply enough deer rub in the deer meat when ya wuz chowin’ down The Sampler (spaghetti, lasagna, eggplant doe alfredo), ya might be a redneck.

 

And I am REALLY unclear on those helmets in P2. Since the plot has been executing more dancing than football, I know for a fact that the kicker is not only kicking the football (Buster Keaton out in the woods somewhere to retrieve the ball and thereby do some more running) but kicking up his cleats, er, heels to “Skip to my Lou, My Darling”. Okay, THAT out of the way, IS THAT REALLY A ‘J’ on the side of their of their helmet or the State of Louisiana? Well, we’ve solved one mystery after much debate over what state Milford is located. We’re making progress in geography if not in this plot. Maybe we oughta put a Rand-McNally Atlas under the Christmas tree to expedite things since Christmas might be the turning point of the plot.

Shout-out to Elaine Weisbard of St. Matthews, Kentucky, who has shown me that though she is legally blind, it has NOT stopped her from shopping, socializing with friends, and giving of herself to other people. She gave me some bananas the other day as a gesture of her kindness which she has extended to MANY people. She still lives in a house and manages the household with aplomb and skill. She has done the right thing and it shows. I salute you, Elaine.

 

At The Bucket “Where Scratching is our Business”

“This Bucket Triple Decker Cheese Burger IS made from scratch. Do you want to see the cows in the back of the restaurant? There’s a semi from that farm delivering more Angus cows at our delivery dock. You never heard of Roadway?”

One possibility I ruled out

“Sir, I’m sorry, the grill cook has psoriasis BIG TIME. Would you want another Livercheese Burger?”

“Uhhhhhhh, no, quite all right. We’ll just head down to Denny’s”

 

Marty, finishing spraying the fire extinguisher to a couple of passengers on the Milford Transit Authority mini-bus

“Mr. Moon, we wanted the heat turned on but “Extra Lake of Fire” was a bit much.”

Thanks to Luther Gideon and Mary Simpson, both of Jeffersontown, Kentucky for the above idea. I hope and pray you are doing well. Both of you mean A LOT to me.

 

Last BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST is P3. Gang, when my nephew was in a batting slump for his high school team, he NEVER got called down to the Principal’s office. Didn’t get Due-Processed if he ran through the 3rd base coach’s sign, didn’t serve In-School Suspension if he dropped the ball with the game on the line.

So what the Hell is Tiki doing in Gil’s office? Hard to imagine they’ll be talking about conjugating “Etre” in French (“Now repeat after me, Je suis, Tu es, …”) .

Over the intercom in Tiki’s Intro Auto Mechanics class, xylophone serving as the prep signal

“Mr. Shop Teacher?”

“Yesssssss?”

“Is Tiki Jensen there?”

“Yes, he is.”

“Would you send him down to Gil’s office over that fuck-up that cost the game?”

“He’s in the middle of a test. I’ll send him down after that.”

“Thank you.”

 

And what’s up with these dark figures in the background. Are they going to stage a sit-down protest if Tiki gets the paddle? Gil, at least go get Kaz as a witness so that proper procedure is followed. We really don’t want any “Gil Must Go!!!!!!!!!!” rallies in the front of the gym.

Or maybe Tiki is being burned in effigy. Yeah, that’s it.

 

 

All righty then. Based on my approval for  robmize’s analysis of the newly-introduced characters in the plot 1-2 weeks ago, especially the so-called kickers, I thought I would try to round this thing up in a synopsis to bring sense to it all.

And what better way than with a POP QUIZ, oh, you know, I’ve beaten this in the ground, I’ll admit, but one that is UNEXPECTED, an unfavorite pasttime of a student who thinks that no way will Professor Kingsfield will Pearl Harbor us with a 1000-point quiz after the student has been scuba-diving in Mudlark Lake all day long and up to the wee hours of the morning to go trout-fishing with a Sports Illustrated Bikini Model of the Year. Talk about the spider feasting on the fly.

HOWEVER, YOU, gang are the fly (or flies) in this case and I’m going to enjoy the Hell out of wearing that Bozo the Clown bow tie that Kingsfield always wears while I deliver to you on your desk, along with Spicoli’s pizza, a short pop quiz. Now, if you’ve been paying attention and taking notes the past 2-3 weeks, the pop quiz should be easier than combing Kaz’s hair as long as you don’t utilize a rake. And #2 pencils only. You may begin.

 

Matching

A) Tiki

____ A generic teacher who warns the students

a semester ahead of time that there will

be a pop quiz by the time the next sequel

“Gil and Mimi Get Brainwashed on the

Planet of the Apes” is released at the

Milford Cineplex. His great-great

grandfather was killed in the Little Big

Horn ambush when he gave the order to

smoke signal “You may fire when ready,

Sitting Bull”.

B) Tiki’s sister

____ America’s favorite movie critic and

kicker. He has proven you can kick and

chew Mike and Ike Cherry Drops at the

same time while slumbering through

“Gone With The Wind”. Mad at Coach

Thorp  when Thorp took his kids out of

the theater right before Sherman’s March

to Atlanta so that they could get to

Milford Go-Kart Extravaganza before it

closed and drive on the reputed longest

track in the world or the horse-guided

kiddie track.

C) Joe Bolek

____  A guy who sells used cars at the Milford

Auto Auction and kicks on the weekend

for the Mudlarks and the semi-pro team,

Milford United on the weekend in his

leisure time.

D) Mr. Hand-Professor Kingsfield-Mr. Price

____  Groupies who have really added nothing

to the plot and are really nothing more

than celebrated supernumeraries. Look

at them as those ugly gremlins in

“Phantasm” alongside the Lurch-like

man toting that Gil’s coffin down the

street and you’ll see the correlation. One

groupie’s dad was in the middle level of

the pile at The Who concert in Cincinnati.

E) Joe Bolek’s friends

_____  A female who is not only nameless but

we haven’t even SEEN yet. I think the

state penitentiary is holding her over

another week until her credit record is

cleared. Then the Parole Board will

stamp “Approved” for her and Red so

that they can wend their way down to

Mexico and build an ocean liner.

Did you ace it? Do you think you might have missed one? Never fear, unlike Kingsfield who can be such a dick about these things, I am offering extra credit to make your score a perfect speciman or even turn up the fire if you’ve been studying. Good study habits are essential if you want to pass the Board scores for Milford Community College.

Anyway, have at it. What have you got to lose?

F) Marty Moon

_____  A lady who appears occasionally to break

the monotony (the TWIM staff and readers

finishing the job), and one of these days,

she will get married to God knows whom,

maybe someone off Craig’s List filed under

“desperate.” Elvis is dead, so is Frankie,

and the latest report confirms she is in a

casual relationship with Moe the

Bartender

G) Peaches

_____  A low-down snake and vermin, with slime

added to the mix, related two generations

back to Sabrina’s ghoulies who has been

Gil’s tormentor and evil twin Dutch evil

twin since the advent of the Atomic Age.

He possesses the mouth of a city sewer,

has brains at a comparable level, plus a

goatee, confirming he never outgrew his

’50’s Beatnik days. When he was a cub

reporter for The Mudlarkian, 1st Period

Journalism class, writing scores and

commentary for Gil’s bowling prowess

(boy o boy) , Gil was the star and captain

of the squad. Principal Ek, BTW, was the

co-captain.

How did you do? All perfect scores and beyond will receive a coupon good for a Bucket Fulla Lasagna and Succotash and must be redeemed by the end of the month. For a dollar extra, add tater tots and a medium drink.

Gang, fire away. I need to get in shape so I’m gonna help Buster go get some footballs. We both just gotta watch the poison ivy around a couple of ’em.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Sues Milford Clay Oven, The Taste of the Himalayas, Concerning Overdone Lamb In His Lamb Tikka Kebab Happy Meal!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub head line

“Man, all that scratchin’ that lamb meat on some Clydesdale’s ass gave me the runs bad.”

 

As the Thorps go to the cash register to pay for their food

“Was everything OK?”

“I’ve had better Tandoori Chicken Salad scratched on a rubber chicken!!!!!!!!”

“Gil!!!!!!!!!”

October 16, 2018

Ooooooooooo, This Has Already Gotten Messy

Filed under: actual action, football, hands in the air, Jefferson Jeffs, Marty Moon — tdrewhardin @ 3:50 pm

101618

“This football is afflicted with boils, warts, and the bubonic plague. Oh, and zits. I ask everyone in the congregation and you out there in TV Land to pray along with me and all my other zebras in Christ. Lord, I lay hands on this pigskin and cast out all diseases and afflictions in the name of Jesus. Help this football rise up and walk and receive a double portion of your Spirit. We know that Beelzebub has tormented him throughout the game and Satan, we order you in the name of Jesus to release your grip so that others may grip it, either to look it in the tuck for that 89-yard TD reception or when the Milford Mudlark or Jefferson Jets (Hell, I don’t know their nickname, Thorpiverse didn’t brief me ahead of time ) score the winning TD because the RB didn’t fumble it because of Godly stronghold on the ball. We lay hands in Jesus’ Name. Amen.”

“We know who you are, you are the Son of God!!!!!!”

HOLD THY PEACE AND COME OUT OF HIM!!!!!!!!!!

Legions and legions and legions of demons come out of the football and head toward the trees behind Gil’s office. Small wonder they’re so deformed. Pizuzu must be possessing the poplars on top of the elm tree and mulberry bushes.

“Good as new, Coach Thorp.”

“Thanks, Jesus.”

 

So at this juncture we’ve negotiated a slightly bizarre twist in the scheme of things.

We NOW have a punter kicking for the team, although we had to tread through Siskel & Ebert reruns to garner the position player. Oh, but wait (to quote my favorite group, Emerson, Lake, & Palmer ) , not content with that, with our hands behind our backs, give it the old college try and develop a legitimate storyline that could be a heart-warming Disney feature, sandwiched between “The Jungle Book” and “Son of Flubber”.

Kinda sorta like “Angels in the Outfield”. Kid hates football, Hard-Luck Loser Coach (not naming any names like, say, Gil or Kaz or maybe Roy Gillen) convinces him to go out for the team, baiting him with a lifetime supply of M & M’s, the Mars Candy truck dumping the wares in the kid’s driveway every week, Marty Moon morphs into another Ranch Wilder and broadcasts on WDIG, after returning from his suspension, natch (gotta have a little controversy so the Disney plot doesn’t get syrupy like a runny Aunt Jemima bottle all over the kitchen counter) , that his dad point-shaved his high school football game, Dad comes along for a press conference in the Milford gym and clears the record, reveling when he was in middle school that he received a $1000 scholarship to Alabama to play for Bear Bryant from the opposing principal if he would throw an interception in lieu of the winning TD (Hey, this is Disney, plots don’t gotta be airtight) , Dad merely gets a paddling after the truth is solidified, everybody hugs and kisses in a heterosexual way (this is G-rated, bear in mind) , even Marty and Peaches gets caught up in the feel-good atmosphere and speed off to Mudlark Lake Resort in Marty’s Rolls-Royce, kid kicks winning FG after Hard-Luck Loser Coach tells the kid a la FDR that this day will be a Day of Infamy if he chokes, game over.

Oh, no, no, no.

Nope, we gotta chase down another rabbit after we damn near blow out Bugs Bunny’s brains. Cheez, no wonder why Elmer Fudd never killed ANY animal, let alone Bugs.

Daffy Duck is sleeping in the pond about to get a wet dream over Daisy Duck.

EF is about to hit the jackpot.

“Hey, I say, hey, look at that elephant running away over yonder.”

“Wealwee? Where’d it go?”

“It’s runnin’ down that path there, leadin’ to the back door of Milford Iron Kitchen. Ya better git it or it’s gonna be on the buffet table tonight. BTW, he goes by the name of Dumbo. He’s an old rogue I went to high school with and we were teammates on the football team. I was the field goal kicker and he was the star running back. But he’s lost his speed. Kinda like Kareem when he was with the Lakers.”

“Hey, wait a minute, YOU’RE AN ANIMAL!!!!!!!!!” about to cock his gun.

“Now hold on there, Fuddy-Duddy, My Man. If you shoot me, there’ll be, I say, there’ll be no one ta guard the chickens. And then Mr. Green Jeans, my boss, will be up your, I say, up your ass in alligators with The Shark cuz yore gun ain’t registered . I can see the Kohl’s price tag on the barrel.”

Fuddy-Duddy lowers the gun.

“Besides, isn’t Dumbo a lot tastier? And you’d have his head to mount on your wall once ya done fileted him. Better ‘n’ that anteater mug that Gil has staged in his den.

Fuddy-Duddy turns around.

“Shhhhhhhh, be vewy, vewy quiet. I’m hunting Dumbos. HAHAHAHAHA…..”

 

BIG BIG shout-out to Albert Carr of Louisville, Kentucky. When he was stricken with high-blood pressure that caused him to collapse, injuring his neck and dental work, he was told he might not survive.

BUT NOW, he has not only surviving but is THRIVING, going to the Rehab Center once a week and living a full life. He is close to walking again, able to walk a few steps, such as taking a trip to the kitchen, for example, and he exercises, performing different hand and finger exercises, not to mention getting on the bike and workin’ those legs. Gang, I think he has decided to GET BUSY LIVIN’. If you see Albert Carr in your neck of the woods, treat him with respect. HE’S EARNED IT!!!!!!!!!!

 

And JUST WHEN WE WERE HOPING THAT WE’D GET TO SOME FOOTBALL (y’know, oval shape, made from hog intestines, the ones you throw for the Flutie Miracle or the one you recover for a fumble at The Miracle at the Meadowlands or Franco Harris returned for a miraculous TD when it bounced off Gil’s hairdo, Kaz’s earring, Marty’s butt, and Tiki’s sister) , we’re given 1/3 of the output. Thorpuverse, let me spell this one out.

A referee with crackless pants (we’re assuming, the jury’s still out since we’re stuck with a side shot and can posit nothing positive) that he bought from Rural King, Marty sipping from his Ensure Rockin’ Raspberry while keeping his potty mouth in check (again assuming) , and a Jefferson punt returner (see the other two bracketed comments) doing the Charleston IS REALLY NOT FOOTBALL. I could transmogrify this in the middle of a L’il Lotta comic book and I’m wondering how many people I could dupe.

“I’ll show you, you fat-mouthed piece of horse-dung bully that you can’t beat up my dad when he’s coming home from the factory after 4 hours of over-Sorry, Coach, next time I’ll use the Port-o-Let behind Team Bus #12. I still didn’t fumble it and you have to admit my fair catch signal would have won an Oscar.” “Very valiant to admit that you let the team down when you didn’t address your bladder problems in a timely fashion. But we have excellent field position so no harm-I’m sorry, L’il Lotta, L’il Dot can’t come out to play. She’s in bed with the mumps after too much Livercheese ‘n’ Fries at The Bucket. She can’t even chew on a Bucket Slushee Icee Mocha ‘n’ Melon. Have you tried Richie Rich? I heard he got another $100,000,000 and he didn’t even have to call 1-FON-TH-Hey, George, didn’t you  read the Point of Emphasis in the rule book this year? The committee was coming down hard on derrieres in the open field. You might get a Letter of Reprimand-and the next time you try to shove a Twinkie up my dad’s butt or his uneaten BLT for that matter, you scumbagloserwormeatingtoadswallowingRichieRichstoogeflunky, I’ll stick your face in Marty Moon’s cup and you’ll know first-hand what Ensure High Life tastes-Burn, baby, burn/Disco Inferno/ Burn, baby, burn/Burn this mother down…”

Well, I think you get my point. No sense in saying that the Jefferson Fair Catch Caller was not doing any Texas Two-Step with himself or that Richie Rich bought into a share of The Milford Enquirer. Let bygones be bygones.

 

 

“If your farm animals have been injured in an accident, call The Shark today at 1-FON-THE-JAWS. Get the money you deserve.”

Mr. Green Jeans: “My chick-a-dees were attacked by a Rottweiler after the hunter was out in the Milford Fish & Wildlife area hunting moose. The Rottweiler was documented as being dyslyexic. (Holds up 100^100=Googol check) . Thank you, Shark.”

Farmer in the Dell: “My lead rooster, Foghorn Leghorn, was shot up several times after Elmer Fudd missed Dumbo. Found out later on that Elmer Fudd didn’t have his Winchester legally registered.  Mr. Leghorn survived after Garfield fed him several bowls of lasagna. And I received this (Check worth a generous Powerball ticket from the Milford Lottery) . Thanks, Shark.”

Insurance companies are working hard to protect their losses. Don’t let them clean you out of house and barn. If Mr. Ed gets herpes because the FedEx man failed to properly seal the hay, call The Shark today. Easy to remember, 1-FON-THE-JAWS. One call, that’s all.

 

No, really, Alanis Morissette is helping me to bring sanity to this plot. Or I’d go insane. Alanis, you rock like you have for eons. Let ‘er rip.

 

If it wasn’t for your immaturity/none of this would have happened

If you’d watched movies with a logical sequence/we might have a decent storyline

I know you like to ramble/and steer this concept ’til it gets too goofy

Just get it to basketball/and I doubt anyone will do any snooping

 

Ooooooooo, this could get messy

But you evidently don’t seem to mind

Ooooooooo, don’t go tellin’ everybody

And tell Gil and Kaz about this supposed crime

 

We’ll fast-forward to some two months later

No one knows save the readership

And I have tried to honor the demands for reason

And you’ve washed your hands of this shit

 

 

A passenger is holding his nose.

“Ooooooooooooeeeeeeeee!!!! Marty, you need to take this buggy through the Milford Soak ‘n’ Suds. How many skunks did you run over on the way to the County Fair?”

Later, that evening

“Peaches, I told you bathing the mini-bus in Febreze on my lunch break was a horrible idea!!!!!!!!!!!! And I still itch on top of that!!!!!!!!! I’ll never take another shortcut through the Milford Wildlife Plot between Milford Wal-Mart and Milford Target!!!!!!

Thanks to Cyndi Smith from Louisville, Kentucky for helping me with the comedy idea. You make the place a better place to live. You’ve overcome a lot to get to where you are. You have a great sense of humor and you treat people with TONS of respect. Treat HER with respect, gang. She’s earned it.

 

I like how you depend on me/to kick the ball and not forfeit away a win

I’m happy how you sexualize me/I’m the boss and say it with a Cheshire Grin

One day Gil will shout he owes it all to me/and award me half his teacher retirement

If I keep a firm body and watch that weight/I can be a supple Milford fireman

 

Ooooooooooo, this could get sucky

But youuuuuu don’t seem to mind

Ooooooooooo, don’t go tellin’ everybody

And slip a news tip to Marty about this supposed crime

 

We’ll fast-forward to a few months later

And we’ll plop into girls basketball

And I have tried to honor pleas for common sense

And you’ve washed your hands of this folderol

 

Gene, ya gotta help us. Please tell us Match Game 2018 is here to the rescue from all this malarkey.

Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW   DUMB   WAS  SHE???????), She thought a Fair Catch was when a football player grabbed his ______________ when he celebrated the winning TD catch.

 

Take ‘er away, gang. I’m going to the Milford Dance Studio to learn Polka/Disco step the Fair Catch dude is executing in P3. By the time they’re done with me, I’ll be at Studio 54 a la John Travolta tripping the night fantastic to a “Saturday Night Fever” melange,  accompanied by an accordion. Sexy.

 

THE GRAND FINALE

Tiki, Tiki’s sister, Joe, his nameless friends who tag along like Lassie pursuing Timmy, ALL accompanying Alanis on the refrain

WE’LL FAST FORWARD TO THIS BALLGAME NEXT DAY

AND I AM DOUBTING THINGS WILL CHANGE THAT MUCH

AND I HAVE HONORED CRIES FOR OUTRIGHT SANITY

AND YOU’VE WASHED YOUR HANDS FROM GIL’S CRUD

Older Posts »

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.