This Week in Milford

January 31, 2023

Would You Like A Hot Apple Pie With Your Low-Menthol Vape Stick?

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:23 pm

Gang, I hate to drag the Preacher part of me back into this but hear me out and I promise I will steer out of this as quickly as I steer in. First off, I am very unfamiliar with vape sticks and understandably so. Being a Christian, I believe the body is God’s temple and vape sticks can cause severe damage to that temple.

That said, what I have learned about vape sticks came from an article published by a medical doctor at Johns Hopkins University, not exactly a place where “Yes, you too can be a doctor” ads exist. They won’t display their wares next to the Charles Atlas section in the back of the comic book. The article basically said that while vape sticks were not as harmful as conventional cigarettes, you really shouldn’t start those either because they still have harmful effects, only in different aspects.

That’s what I would say here. If you don’t smoke, please don’t start. If you do smoke, quit. You are inhaling chemicals that have links to cancer and can make your life miserable even if you don’t die. DEFINITELY don’t start vape sticks. In the end, it’s your body. You’re free to use it as you wish. Just PLEASE don’t shove it on me. All I ask.

I just absolutely chuckle when I see Darrius and Tobe in P1 surrounded by all these stacks of bills. Like they just robbed Milford Federal. What makes this more of a farce is that Melissa Gordon was trying to keep Tobe out of trouble by having Gil sign on to practically be a godfather. But it appears as if Tobe is the Don Corleone here. Naturally, Gil ditched on us and was last seen doing TV ads for Honest Ugly Moustache’s Used Cars. With plots running every which way, thereby confirming the Random Atomic Theory, Gil is somewhere in all these atoms buzzing around the container but may have gotten caught in the aluminum foil with the rest of the slower Giltrons.

And I don’t know the laws about vape sticks but I’m confident the next Milford High School Boys Basketball Cherry Bomb Vape Stick Raffle will be the first one. I’m not so sure that Gil would be crazy about minors selling this type of merchandise because the Milford Police never led a raid on someone’s house for Band Candy. Quick!!!!!!! Here comes the fuzz!!!!!! Flush the World’s Finest Chocolate down the toilet!!!!!!! Gil would kick Darrius off the team if he was pushing Milford Valley Fruit Cake on a random street corner????

I once was walking down the street when some loser at a street corner softly asked me “Need some weed?” (I naturally called the police.) I just can’t see myself with some pusher asking me “Need some fruit cake?” or “Need some Snickers?” Therefore, while I don’t think Darrius and Tobe are going to the Milford Federal Pen for their actions, I wouldn’t be surprised before too long after Gil ceases driving Archie’s jalopy or a car once driven by Heehaw from Pasadena on the Honest Kaz’s Used Contraptions TV ads that he gets on his High Vape Stick and lays down the law on this. And you didn’t sell me one? You’re off the team. You’re banished to the New Harmony Labyrinth of Plots forever. Don’t call me if you get lost. If you’re vape sticks and World’s finest get washed up in the Wabash River nearby, that’s your problem.

Moreover, I really don’t like how Tobe has metamorphed from Innocent Babe Who Creates His Own Touchdowns to GODDAM PUSHER MAN. When Steppenwolf made that song, I don’t think they had in mind a teenage urchin who couldn’t sell World’s Finest because he was eating half the merchandise when they performed it live. Don’t bogart that World’s Finest, My Friend, ship some over to my side of the car. What’s this going to be, Easy Rider II???? The Byrds play “I Wasn’t Born to Follow” as Darrius and Tobe try to vend Milford Herbal Farm Raunchy Raspberry Vapor Vibes to Heehaw during visitation hours???? Play Hendrix’s “If 6 Was 9” as Tobe is hawking Lemon Lifter Vapor Vipes to all the nurses on night duty at Milford Adult Center???? Play “The Weight” from The Band as Darrius is stacking the 20’s from the Kooky Kiwi Vaper Vibes sold to the janitor???? It’s alright, Gil, I’m only dying.

I read something off some ridiculous site that says the Cargill family owns all our food products. I don’t know if this is somebody’s idea of a sick joke or they have been snorting one Lemon Lunker too many but

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket To Scale Back Cargill Meat Products For Future Bucket Burger Output!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The Bucket spokesperson: “Our buyers brokered this exciting deal from a Serbia meat outlet. Our customers should not experience any discrepancy in quality and we were able to cut costs and still clear duties at the Customs Office.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office one day with Tori Amos’ “Bells for Her” playing out of her Milford Sound Sensation 1912 Stereo System

“Dr. Pearl, do you have your Zippo lighter handy? I have to take a Vape Break pronto.”

“Check in the faculty lounge, Gil, next to the Mr. Coffee.”

How do we know those are are denominations in the (as an example) the ‘50’s? This whole borderline legal transactional endeavor would the best laid plans of mice and Gil if those stacks on the table were all one dollar bills. Selling World’s Finest Vapes for a George? Safe to say, they weren’t selling to soccer moms like the one that rebuffed them in the Milford IGA parking lot. Like they’d have a table set up at Milford Moose Lodge when the latter is having Silent Auction in its auditorium. Did they have to wear moose horns when Tobe was pushing Milford Herbal Farm Banana Bob’s Beastly Vape on to a 20-year member? Or how about Milford Lions Club? No, selling Milford Herbal Farms Maniac Mango Vape Delight and donating Heehaw’s bifocals for some third grader at Milford Elementary isn’t really cutting it for a story although with these plots running around like mice, well, there’s no rules in war.

And are those medicine bottles in the front. They drink Robitussin when selling Vape? That’s stretching it for social drinking, let me tell you. One more Rexall Antiseptic Mouthwash for the road. Sales are shooting through the roof even as I text. C’mon, Darrius, one more snort of Claritin before we count the next stack, you only go around once in life. Did they need a bottle opener for Listerine Mint?

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coffee Cantina Rejects Latest Buyout Offer From Cargill Foods, International!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coffee Cantina owner: ‘I wasn’t about to give the secret recipes for the scones or banana bread or the caramel lattes. And the espresso machine was not for sale.”

If ya agree ta pay fer 500 sticks uv vape if Toby and Darrius will pay fer the hunting license at Milford Outdoor Shoppe when the fees are due next week cuz ya got shorted on yore paycheck at Milford Foundry, ya might be a redneck.

Again, I’m not totally in tune with the legality of selling vape sticks but I’m not sure that if I were a high school student, be it Milford, Riverdale, Hickory Huskers, etc., that I’d be wanting to tell Dr. Pearl we are peddling them in the cafeteria at lunch time. I almost have to believe selling ANY kind of tobacco on school grounds is opening myself for a peck of trouble and the subsequent disciplinary measures thereafter. Possible grounds for expulsion, in other words. Except maybe for Keri who cold-cocked another student and got off with a slap-wrist when Mike Knappe got expelled for an implement he applies Jif on Wonder Bread with. Amazing what happens when Gil stands tall against injustice until it’s his own flesh and blood. Then he’s just as bad as those parents who blame the system when their kid is in trouble for going postal.

The Flagpole Incident preceding is a prime example. Oh no, Dr. Pearl, that’s not vape, it’s 24 degrees outside. But I do have some with my butter knives in my knapsack. Want some? I’m running a special. I understand we should have gotten everybody to sign the waiver form first. I won’t sell an ounce until I get the forms from Milford Printers. Does your husband need some? I heard a rumor that his cigars got pilfered and his nicotine fits are raging worse than Keri’s hormones for Pedro. We hope to sell $400 by the end of the month. It’ll pay for new uniforms.

Are those Lucky Strikes you’re smoking, Dr. Pearl? That explains the brown teeth.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Lounge-Cargill Foods Negotiations Break Down!!!!!!!!! No Date Set For Future Dialogue!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Beth the Bartender will not transfer to the kitchen to prep chickens, that’s not up for discussion.”

Darrius is missing the point in P2. Granted, selling vapes, drugs, cigarettes, booze, Rexall Antiseptic Mouthwash in the boys room at Milford high is not a smart idea but selling them at Yellowstone is not entirely wise either. Sure, Gil and family might not show or the low probability thereof, but WHAT IF HE DOES???? Any possibility is a possibility, no matter how low. Gil might actually take charge and run you off the team the way Coach Knight did when the same thing occurred; and BTW, Coach Knight did indeed run them off. The point is, Whether you are pushing that stuff at the top of the Golden Gate Bridge or in a Kansas wheat field, you are still pushing the envelope of legality, Darrius. And WHO CARES if they don’t have any flavor!!!! Like that’s going to stop Gil from pulling a Coach Knight when he catches you selling Generic Vapes in the Badlands.

Oh yeah, I forgot, you card everybody to cover your derrière. What are you going to do, ask for ID from Joe Tourist in The Everglades? Indeed, I’m sure glad I checked for ID when that old man in a wheelchair was catching the sights on top of the Empire State Building. I’ve seen them come out of the elevator as Elmo from the Dagwood comic strip. You can never be too careful. I had to card Ziggy once because he looked to much the Rex Morgan children.

Darrius and Tobias, stick to chocolate.

Late Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Stands United With The Concession Stand Workers Against Latest Proposal!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“No way are we changing the stadium name to Cargill Family Arena, we don’t care how much they’re willing to pay to put their name on the popcorn boxes.”

Oh, brilliant. Don the same apparel that Dagwood’s sleazy cook wears just so you hope Joe Friday and Bill Gannon don’t come snooping around, nice going. Just don’t screw up that order of Bucket Chili and Buffalo Fries and nobody will notice that you are passing Diet Cherry Vipes under the table to Mr. Dr. Pearl. What did you tell the manager when he or she asked why do you want a job? Oh, I’ve always wanted a career in Bucket Cuisine and I thought one day I could move up to Lead Bucket Culinary Manager. Lots of room for advancement, I understand. Play your cards right and hide the Blueberry Vipe sticks behind the dumpster and one day I could even make an appearance on The Chopping Block. But first things first. Cook that Bucket Clam Chowder at just the right temperature and don’t spill the Orangeade Vape Sticks into the mixture. You might get Joe suspicious.

“Oh no, Mr. Friday, that’s just Orange Julius Raid. We’ve had a bevy of roaches in the Bucket Banana Split lately.”

This will be the worst sting operation should it ever come to the surface. We have lots of algae to strip away first, er, plots to negotiate through.

“We’ll return to see if Cargill Foods paid the closing costs on Gil’s house after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

“Here’s your order of Bucket o’ Spaghetti, Mrs. Flukegate. And your Bucket Breadsticks will be here in a moment.”

“Oh thank you, young man, uh CHOKE SPUTTER FART BLATTTT SPIT BELCH BURPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oh crap, so THAT’S where the Lucky Strike Filterless Vape Sticks went. I knew I dropped them somewhere.”

“QUICK!!!!!!!!! CALL THE SHARK!!!!!!!!!! Then call an ambulance.”

“My client had no business getting subjected to a careless teenager who was selling Vape sticks by the Girl Scout cookie stand. Lucky Strikes and Samoas don’t mix. And when he forgot to put them in the cooler and they wandered in the noodles when this punk was straining the spaghetti, Mrs. Flannery Flukegate unnecessarily exposed her intestines and the rest of her gastrointestinal apparatus to these Vipers of Vitality, she had to endure 18 hours of emergency open heart surgery at Milford General and then brace herself to several weeks of rehab workouts. Seeing her on an exercise bike with 57 tubes all in her mouth, ears, eyes, gluteus maximus, navel, vena cava, lower atrial valve, cochlea, retinal nerves, nasal cavities, and instep was more than I could handle. I couldn’t eat that Underwood Deviled Ham my wife made for lunch.“

“Mr. Sharkey’s legal research team found some shocking facts. They discovered that The Bucket manager had some Vape sticks in his office because the cigarette machine was out of order. And that Dr. Pearl had been taking kickbacks from The Bucket bellhop when the order came out to Pearl’s car to augment the school coffers. They later found the Low Caffeine Vape sticks in the onion rings. She’ll be doing a ton of community service for at least three years or pay a bond issue, whichever comes first. I received $569,000,000 for compensation. Thank you, Mr. Shark!!!!!!!!”

“You heard the lady. What are you waiting for? If you turn up Muriel Cigars in your Popeye Spinach cans, call Joe Sharkey and Associates today. The Shark will make the insurance companies pay for dipping Bel-Air into the Great Value French Onion Dip. Please note that an attorney assistant that recently graduated from Milford Community College summa cum laude but has yet to pass the bar but will when he works one more summer job as a lifeguard to pay the test fee may work your case. With 34,621 filings, a little help from my friends never hurts. Call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. One call, that’s all.”

Oh look, Gang, is that a Salem Menthol sticking out of the Bucket Chicken Cacciatore? Oh wait, that’s a toothpick in the middle. My bad.

God bless you anyway.

Supplementary to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Mayor Says No!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Street by Milford Elementary will not be renamed Avenue of the Cargills.”

At Milford Lounge

“Beth, there’s a Vape in my soup.”

“I’ll go talk to the manager.”

January 26, 2023

“Hello, Rex? I’m Still At The Game. Leo Just Botched The Kickout. Just Stick The Totino’s In The Microwave And Set It For Five Minutes.”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 2:56 pm

I don’t know who’s doing more piddling around, Rex or Gil, but if this was the Kentucky Derby, we’d have to go to the photo to see who won as both are getting pretty absurd in the plot development category. I have read Gasoline Alley forever and many times it centers around these two ragamuffins, Rufus and Joel, who many times make Rocket Science out of projects that Bob Vila could complete in 15 minutes blindfolded. That’s pretty much the case in Glenwood and Milford.

Rex Morgan first. June, his wife (no relation to The Jetsons’ “Jane, his wife!!!!!) , has been grocery shopping and, all righty then, some senior citizen slipped and fell on the ice in the grocery store parking lot and June is there to pick him him up with the help of this codger’s wife. No broken bones, no bleeding, no harm, no foul. I’m fine, Mrs. Morgan. Get your ass on to shopping so your kids don’t burn down the house. So June goes rolling merrily along and is torn between Hamburger Helper Beef Stroganoff and Hamburger Helper Wild-Caught Tuna Helper Off The Coast Of Acadia National Park when another doyen is practically puking in the aisle because his blood sugar is down. Well, you know the Morgans, they may move like a snail to reach the climax in the story but June isn’t about to tell him that she has to get the Red Baron Pepperoni out of the microwave before it gets cold. Therefore, she fixes him up and gives him great advice (Two 3 Musketeer Bars and call Rex in the morning) and sends him off to the Reduced For Markdown section where Milford IGA is trying to sell off the excess gala apples. Okay, the world is safe for Democracy even after Russia tried to invade Glenwood twice but June and the Glenwood militia shot down both Goodyear blimps and order was restored. Plus, she got the tenderloins that had been out for two weeks because of the grocery workers strike.

But noooooooooo, the Morgan kids are revolting, declaring “Off with her head!!!!!!” and are going to nuke their own Lean Cuisine Meat Loaf and Mashed Potatoes Hungry Man Edition, thank you, and you’d think the plotline gods would answer the charges in that regard. You think that and I have plenty of property in Glenwood that makes great atmosphere for deer hunting, cheap, I might add. Nope, June encounters some jerk who’s speeding on the icy roads and then rams into a woman who had her dog in the back, going by the name Petey. So we’re in neutral once again while we watch Leo Atazhoon make a fool out of himself in some basketball action. Keep the crock pot on “simmer”, Rex, we’re going to overtime.

June is watching another travesty unfold but thankfully not in her backyard and I don’t mean with Mimi and Country Tyme Lemonade. If I’m getting the number system correctly, 4 is a power forward, apropos for Leo who has a high school build at that position. Rod, whose name has yet to be revealed (Rod Nameless? Rod Anonymous? I’ll check the Milford Phone Directory in a few minutes) unless I might have missed somebody and Thorpiversed the list, is 3 or 1 and usually 1 is the point guard and 3 is the small forward. It’s not above the small forward to launch the trey and a point guard shoots when the defense is packed tighter than June’s tunaburger lunch so I can see Rod in either scenario. I don’t really think he’s at 2 where Gil has the shooting guard well away from the top of the key and scratching his derrière while Rod and Leo exchange assists with each other. Yeah, 2 guard, just stand right there close as you can to the scorer’s table and picking your nose, I want to deke Bradley out of their Crayola uniforms.

And, okay Coach, you’re trying to play inside-outside, basically the trademark of the Triangle offense and with Rod and Leo sharing the rock, no one will gripe and complain because everyone is sharing the wealth. But where the heck is 5 (normally the center) ???? Maybe Gil’s (or Coach Ochoa’s) hand is covering him but what is he doing way over by the weak side? What’s he going to do, streak on the runway for an easy alley oop if the defense isn’t paying attention or the 2 guard is getting too bored to care? Shoot a 15-footer at a 45 degree angle and pray it goes in after the Rod-Leo Connection failed to connect the dots? Is 5 even on the play board AT ALL???? What’s he doing, scratching his butt on the goal supports to serve as a decoy? He took a bathroom break? That’s not in the contract, Coach. Smooching with Amelia to put a damper on her heartbreak? Screaming nicknames with Vic “I’m not in the diagram either” Doucette?

And did you see the goal? My goodness, you could hold a Jehovah’s Witness convention between that and the end line. The goal is normally, going by high school dimensions, about seven feet from the end line. It might as well be 700 on Gil’s chart. Was Gil using a play board that went Metric? Maybe the 5 is disguised as a member so that all eyes are on him so Leo can jam when no one’s looking. The 2 guard is too far away, he’s buttering up Homer the Referee when he’s doing the 5 count on player possession. Coach, why don’t you go ahead and put Amelia and her snack wagon in front of the 2 guard? Set a screen in case defense is overplaying so that 2 can slash to the basket. You know, beat the overload on the Triangle? Or Rhombus?

Gang, I am a Sudoku and crossword fanatic and I noticed a clue today that was pretty ridiculously obvious when you stop and think about it. The clue was “One of the Three Stooges”. Now if the answer is five letters, it’s a toss-up between Larry and Curly. But what if the answer is three letters? What else could there be besides Moe? Maybe Gil? Or Kaz?

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Melvin Snerdly Wins Milford Enquirer 28th Annual Jumbo Crossword Extravaganza In A Contest Down To The Wire!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O. J.: ‘Man, that dude beat me on ‘Strait west of Alaska’ and I forgot Bering has no A in it.’”

At a phone booth right outside Milford’s gym

“Honey, they’re in triple overtime but it should end soon. Three players from both teams have fouled out. I should be home in time to get dinner started. Set the oven to preset.”

“I hope so, June. We’re on our 5th can of Spam. Thank Gil we have 300 cases in the pantry downstairs in the basement.”

“Oh, I heard the buzzer!!!!!!! Gotta go!!!!!!!!”

What is it with everybody answering in unison???? Sure there’s no “I” in the word TEAM but there isn’t one in CULT either. They mindlessly answer the coach in a numb tone? And as long as zombies are playing for the Mudlarks, where’d the fifth zombie go? Or are we playing 4-on-4 due to budget cutbacks? No wonder why you don’t see the 5 in the diagram. Or if Gil is hiding him, it’s because he doesn’t want any School Board member to know Gil squeezed a fifth because he took out a loan at Milford Federal. The plotlines are not only chameleon and inconsistent but they’re confusing as well. A play that only involves four players and the Milford Munchkins answering in unison while 5 ran off with the spoon and the Mock Turtle took the place of Vic “I ran off with one of Luke Loser’s VT Girls Basketball players” Doucette as PA announcer and the Mad Hatter took Ericka’s place as Mimi’s swing coach? What will they think of next? Oh God, I let the horse leave the barn.

Lou Henson was a popular men’s college basketball coach with stops at New Mexico State (his alma mater, FYI) and Illinois who had a brilliant basketball mind and was an excellent motivator. The negative on him was he was not a very good disciplinarian. A good friend of mine that served as my partner many times as a rec league basketball official had a daughter who was married to Scott Haffner, who played for Illinois. The reason why he transferred?

My friend told me that Henson had the players in a huddle one particular game where he barked out “Okay, guys, this is the play I want to run!!!!!!!” A player shot back “Nah, go to Hell, Coach, we ain’t running that play!!!!!!” Haffner not surprisingly enrolled at another university shortly thereafter.

At Milford gym, late in the game against Valley Tech

“Okay, gentlemen, here’s the play!!!!!!”

“No, go to Hell, Coach, we ain’t running that garbage!!!!!!!!”

“Kaz, do you want to return to that Gutless Gil????”

Speaking of officiating, Thorpiverse, your butt is most clearly sticking out so badly a blind man could see it from clear across the gym. Will you please read the rule book next time before you open your mouth? We already have one blowhard who gets his feet licked on by his assistant. Don’t make two.

T-verse, having been licensed as a high school basketball official and passed the open book high school basketball official’s exam with a grade of 99 but never pursued it seriously because I was coaching my nephew at the time, you are so full of Gil, you’re dripping with Brylcreem. FIRST OFF, a technical does not AT ALL deal with illegal contact such as what Leo (hopefully no relation to Luke) is perpetrating with the schmuck in P2. Technicals deal mainly with unsportsmanlike contact. If you punch Homer the referee, not only will he probably not ever do your 5-game schedule again, you’re suspended for quite some time. But no technical is involved. A flagrant foul more appropriately but there are different procedures for that and I’ll get to that in a minute. But if you shout at Homer the Referee “Where’d you get your license, out of Heehaw’s purse at Milford Adult Center?”, now you have grounds for a technical as it is clearly verbal (99% of technicals fit that category) . The key is unsportsmanlike conduct and the words that ensue. If you say “There’s two basketballs over there, Homer, Coach Ochoa is running Double Back Layup drills again over by where 5 is scratching his butt on the end line”, this is hardly grounds for a technical. But if you say “Have you been smooching Luke’s balls again? His assistant does enough of that, many times without even kneeling”, now Homer has some fodder to blow a T. No leeway in this situation.

Before we go any further, I’m sure Leo might have been sending a message but in P2, it doesn’t appear to be flagrant. I would have called a player-control foul (charging) but again, I’ll get to that in a minute. The point is, Thorpiverse and Marty are raising a stink where there’s no Luke in the building. Homer the Referee can possibly, just possibly call Excessive Swing of the Elbows. Leo Lunkhead again does appear to be sending a message “I’m pretending you’re a Milford Militia trying to interrupt our game in the name of Homeland Security” but all you can do is call charging if there’s contact or a violation if there’s not. That might have changed and it might be an intentional foul now but let me deal with that down the pipe as well. The Excess Swinging rule was obviously meant to protect the defense from getting knocked cold when they’re trying to steal the rock from Herk the Mauler. No sense in being slung in the turnbuckle while trying to take a swipe at the ball.

A Player Control Foul or charging is called when someone on offense, normally the dribbler, gains unfair advantage by plowing into a stationary defensive player who has both feet glued to the floor and has not violated the Vertical Plane (imaginary line drawn vertically straight up from the player’s feet to his head) . That appears to be the case here. In high school rules, assuming this one hasn’t changed since I hung up the whistle, charging is called, no free throws are shot but the offended team gets the ball taken out of bounds nearest the violation and the player is charged with a foul. So when Leo Lunkhead is attempting to make sense of this plot by stampeding into Gil’s office and threatening to run him over with the riding mower he stole out of Gil’s garage if he doesn’t get his plotline ducks in a row, Leo is hit with a charging foul. No free throws are shot but the concession stand worker fills up the riding mower tank with gas because Gil is too damn cheap and the School Board was cutting back anyway. Nearest the violation. Don’t forget.

Here’s where the confusion seems to be at its peak in this crapola of a story so far. If, in the referee’s judgment, contact from one player is excessive and uncalled for, he or she does not call a technical foul. Again, that is only for unsportsmanlike conduct. Homer the Referee would instead call a flagrant foul, indicating that Leo Lugnut went too far when he drove the switchblade in the Bradley player’s sternum. Even if the Bradley dude was unjustified in saying Leo’s mom uses Downy Bath Towels when sponge-bathing Heehaw, it is up to Leo Lugnut to use proper restraint. If he chooses to apply the sleeper hold anyway, a flagrant foul is called, the player (in this case, LL) is ejected from the game, the foul called is awarded to the offending team’s foul totals, two free throws are awarded to the offended team and then awarded the ball, taken out-of-bounds at the half-court line opposite the scorer’s table. Again, it doesn’t appear to be excessive in P2 but dammit, T-verse, you DEFINITELY don’t call a technical if you think it is indeed excessive and unnecessary and also could cause injury. Does the Milford City Police Meter Official cite you for insubordination if you put a bomb in his or her Milford Police Official Vehicle’s trunk and it blows Gil’s confiscated secret photos of him and Beth to smithereens so that six blocks of traffic is cordoned off? Rest my case.

Intentional Foul is called if, in Homer the Referee’s judgement, the foul was deemed deliberate. Much contact leading to fouls are done with the player not intending to get called for the foul. But if the foul is considered deliberate, the referee signals by crossing his arms above his head, the foul called is added to that offending team’s foul totals, two free throws are awarded to the offended team, then the ball is awarded to them at the spot nearest where the intentional foul took place. The purpose was twofold: It stopped silly and unnecessary fouling towards the end of the game when the team behind in the score was desperately trying to foul to stop the clock to have a better chance of overcoming the deficit. Darrius can tackle Pedro when Milford is playing on the gridiron but when Pedro is trying to dribble out the clock, a quarterback sack by Darrius is grounds for an intentional foul. Darrius doing the Sack Dance is definitely grounds for a technical. Dancing like James Brown when he’s soloing on Living in America is excessive celebrating and this is where the Unsportsmanlike Conduct and thereby a technical comes into play. Plus, I’d personally blow a T for Darrius dancing like his pants need D-Con sprayed all over. Anyway, the second purpose was it cut down on injuries. No sense in shoving Tobias into someone’s tuba in the Milford Pep Band just to get the ball back.

One other thing. Excessive swinging penalties have in all likelihood gotten stronger. As I mentioned earlier, it used to be a violation like traveling or double-dribble and the ball was simply turned over to the other team if no contact was involved. But if they have gotten stronger, my guess is they are enforced roughly along intentional foul procedures, depending on that State’s High School Athletic Association policies. If Pedro excessively swings his elbows and knocks Dr. Pearl’s dentures down her duodenum and she is forced for a lifetime to eat Gerber Sliced & Diced Carrots with her Ensure, Pedro is called for an intentional foul and we go from there and Dr. Pearl goes to her dentist for the best deals on Polygrip.

“Nah, go to Hell, I ain’t running that again!!!!!!!”

“Gil, the copier is down and your Homer the Referee Meal Money Reports-2018 didn’t go through. Could you use Ms. Risk’s copier in the press room?”

At the phone booth outside of Milford gym once again

“Rex, they’re in the coin flip now to determine what basketball goal to defend. It should be done in half an hour. Just keep the Bob Evans Spiced Mashed Potatoes on low boil on the stove and have the kids play Fantasy Rugby.”

“Not a problem, Dear. I can’t find the game, I think Mrs. Heehaw took it when she was getting bored at the Adult Center. I’ll keep the kids entertained with Bruce Pandolfini’s Chess Endgame Procedure Puzzles.”

Wait a minute. What happened to Bob Barker? I mean, I know he has, or had, a busy schedule as 111-year-old sexy go-go men on the go usually do but wasn’t he sharing broadcasting duties with Marty Moon???? Did he finally ditch The Price is Right???? Oh (SMACK) Drew Carey is doing the show now. Mr. Barker has more time. T-verse, you not only need a serious refresher (or perhaps an orientation) on High Athletic Association Basketball rules but you don’t have Dandy Don Barker doing co-play-by-play with a man who does broadcasting and snake handling with equal equanimity, then have Dandy Don Barker go walk his bassett hounds. We had two broadcasters for the price of one until you sent Bob Barker back to “Truth or Consequences”. And to think, Marty could show Barker the ropes, such as How To Undermine Coach Thorp’s Authority by announcing on the air “Calling hit-and-run when you’re down 15-0 in the last inning makes as much sense as Coach Kim hosting The Price is Right (Luke Lunkhead!!!!!!!! Come on down!!!!!! You’re the next contestant on The Price…) “ or “Mimi could coach croquet better than you coach basketball”. Marty could show Bob Barker where he stashes his Jack Daniels, many places created during Prohibition. Just open that hatch under your seat, Bob, and watch out for the G-men. Marty could show Bob Barker how to shove Marjie Ducey out of the way for an interview. Just have the kids do Double Basketball Layup Drills when Marjie gets out of her Volkswagen Jetta. Pretend like the goal is her note pad. Shoot, nobody will notice, Bob. Gil always goes “First come, first served”. He doesn’t care that you slam-dunked your ethics down the Milford Star editor’s throat.

But at this point, Marty appears to be going it alone. Geez, no wonder why he’s confused on the Technical Foul Rule. Bob Barker isn’t there to go buy a rule book at halftime.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Georgianna Gruffcorn Declared Winner At Milford Enquirer 28th Annual Jumbo Crossword Extravaganza In A Sudden Death Showdown!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“She answered correctly the four-letter clue ‘Great at imitating but never achieving’ with ‘Mimi’ when her opponent answered ‘Mime’.”

In P3, it appears that Leo Lugnut has cooled down enough to curtail his elbow-free-for-all but he’s not exiting the strip without getting his last licks, and I don’t mean the ones he borrowed from Coach Kim. These licks are above the belt. And I’ll admit Leo needs to cool down even though he really shouldn’t have been slapped with a T (see above) .

What’s funny now (depending on your interpretation of “funny”) is Leo’s teammates utters a comment that doesn’t even fall into Foghorn Leghorn territory. It’s a funny but makes absolutely no sense. Did he mean that they’d be intimate at the dinner table with candles shining on the dinner Rex and the kids left in the oven? Okay, in principle, I can see the analogy but in reality recreating a scene only Amelia and Ericka could appreciate only substituting Leo and the Bradley defender with wine flowing from the heavens is like trying to imagine Coach Kim with no one to brown-nose, above or below. With Henry Mancini’s “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” softly emanating from the Close ‘n’ Play? Hey, I say, hey, I just told another funny.

“Leo Atazhoon’ is ejected from the game, Bradley will shoot two free throws in a moment but an officials Time out has been called to sweep the Cracker Jack, prize included, off the floor. Let’s take a time out of our own with the score, Milford, 45, Bradley, 39. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

At Homer the Referee’s house in a nice subdivision of Milford at 11:05PM after a triple OT thriller at Milford gym

“Homerette, don’t waste my time. I don’t want to throw you out of the building either like I had to with Luke Lunkhead so let’s get down to business!!!!!! You’re about to feel the power I had to have that loser escorted out by the Pinkertons!!!!!!!!”

“Oh, Homer, I love it when you talk dirty. Let me get ejected-uh, I think YOU’RE the one that needs to get shown the door by Milford High School Loss Prevention.”

“Honey, I went to that Get Hard On Your Person As Strongly As You Do On Coach Thorp In Conference Tournaments Seminar sponsored by the Valley Conference Board of Basketball Officials. The clinician there gave me some medication that’s similar to NyQuil. Now, I’m more rigid than my whistle and I sleep better. I just have to be careful when I turn over in bed. It’s worse than being on a teeter-totter.”

“Homer, if you ref’d like you had sex, it’d be like Barney the Dinosaur blowing a T on Coach Kim. I’d hate to see what your whistle would look like. I’m envisioning breathing through a kazoo that failed the acid test. If you can’t bring it on, go be a Domino’s driver that delivers soft breadsticks to Dr. Morgan’s kids.”

“Listen here, Darling, the clinic gave a free Heimlich maneuver procedure where if you bend over, somebody from behind grabbed you by the waist and jerked it convulsively towards your navel. It was designed to produce a jolt in your bloodstream to unclog those arteries hindering free flow and a monster that could do serious damage. And you know what? I’m harder than Bob Knight on Tom Rucker.”

“Unless Godzilla grabbed your waist, you don’t look anymore erect than the Empire State Building on a Lionel train layout. And Tom Rucker could hold off Coach Knight because he had backbone in more places than just his back. Maybe Vap-o-Rub might get on the road to recovery.”

“I tell you what, you’re going to take my rigid Polski Wyrob and like it!!!!!!!! We were in the Meditative Techniques To Enrich Sexual Enhancement and they played Enya’s “Sail Away” 143 times. I seconded the motion for the Seminar to return next year to the Milford Moose Lodge Fellowship Hall because I was hornier than a Gila monster that avoided the semi at Route 66 In Arizona. I had to turn sideways to exit, I was that frigid, er, rigid.”

“I think a Gila monster or a Komodo dragon has been chewing on your person because neither couldn’t find any chickadees to dine on. I’m more worried that more will get ejected from the Valentines Day Holiday Tournament than from your garden hose. Do yourself a favor and stop by Milford Men’s Clinic after that freshman game you’re scheduled to do this Tuesday.”

“I’ll show you who’s the dragon around here-“


“What’s this piece of paper? Hmmmmm, it’s a note from that clinician. He asked if those tea leaves he prescribed along with a can of Sprite is getting you results?”



“She was right. Lipton Tea wasn’t going to get me any harder than castor oil. I had to face the facts, if I couldn’t face my lack of masculinity, how could I face Gil or Luke? Whistle-blowing would have been a formality. I hustled right down to Milford Men’s Clinic to get my sex life straightened out. Best call I ever made other than when I told Norman Dale to hit the showers. With the EREC-3521 For Referees Only medications that I take twice a day after I gulp down my Ultra Slim-Fast, Gil may still challenge my manhood, but my wife doesn’t. I throw her out of the game every night and it is fun to point her to the exits under the sheets. Come get your own manhood under control and get a grade of 100 on the open book exam. Only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, I keep telling you, that is not a Correctable Error in P2. This whole plot’s an error and it’s far from correctable.

But God bless you, Gang.

“Rex, Gil is down to two players so he can still play. I’ll be home to check the crock pot in 45 minutes.”

“Take your time, June. We’re still trying to find all the Jenga pieces. I think one flew in the bird cage.”

January 24, 2023

Homey Don’t Play This.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:30 pm

“SPIRIT day???? You think you can make Homey wear PJ’s that’d make an elephant roll over in the circus convulsing with laughter just so we can show The Man that we is gonna make a fool out of ourselves at a basketball game, IF they ever show one again????”


“I don’t think so, Gilberto. Homey don’t play that.”

“Would you be willing to tear tickets at one of our gates?”


“I don’t think so. What you takin’ me for, one o’ yo’ substitute teachers cuz the regular teacher called in? Homey ain’t playin’ that either.”

Gang, when I saw those PJ’s today, I IMMEDIATELY thought of the acerbic wit that used to grace In Living Color, none other than the incomparable Homey the Clown. I have always looked for opportunities to display him to the public eye because of his acid take on things and what better way to slay, or WHAP!!!!!!, the Gil than inviting Homey to enter the scene. Kick back and let ol’ Homey do his thing. Don’t worry, he will.

And being a Christian, I do everything to respect other religions. Who knows, maybe one day they might want to know mine. That said, the lady wearing the head covering is dressed in about as ridiculous of a Homey the Clown garb as Allah or God will ever know or even create (God or Allah forbid) . In fact, Las Tres Amigas in their “School Spirit” attire reminds me of when Elviney used to tell Loweezy or Loweezy used to tell Elviney “You should have seen ol’ Coach Thorp with those 1927 New York Yankees Lou Gehrig Commemorative PJ’s. It was enough to make a dog laugh!!!!!” Oh, we’re laughing all right, no problem there. Barney Google at PJ Day to support Milford? I don’t think Calvin Klein is in his future, PJ’s or otherwise.

Are those REALLY PJ’s that the second girl is wearing? She could pass as a hostess at a Red Lobster Restaurant. Or the latte server at Coffee Cantina. It’s hard enough having to sustain our sanity in this Jukebox Selection of Plots but if we’re going to look at anyone wearing PJ’s, can we still stay within character? Good God, Keri’s shirt is an item of apparel that she’d wear Any Given Day and her shorts, if you were to lengthen them, could pass for IU Basketball warm-ups on Cancer Awareness Day. Keri dressed as Pat Graham or Grace Berger to express her love for her school? Keri in those candy striped sweats that Kent Benson or Quinn Buckner or Don Noort used to parade around in the layup drills before tipoff? Could you really conceive Herk the Mauler in those togs? I don’t think so. T. Drew don’t play this.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Herk The Mauler Arrested For Indecent Exposure By Milford Police At Milford High School!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Dr. Pearl spokesperson: ‘Dr. Pearl recognizes that pep assemblies are outstanding motivational tools but Herk the Mauler wearing his silk PJ wrestling briefs on stage was a bit inappropriate. The warts and age splotches were prominent, particularly near his crotch and pectorals.”

“You want ME to file these Milford High School Art Supplies Special Emphasis on Crayola Crayons Reports-2016 because you couldn’t call Milford Temp Agency due to phone issues? You think Homey is going to file them while wearing them nasty Don Noort ‘75 IU NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament sweat pants? To upgrade my image that I’m actually a milk-and-cookies fop who just needed some direction? At minimum wage?”


“I don’t think so, Dr. Pearl. Homey don’t play that.”

“Very well, Mr. Homer the Clown. No worries, I’ll pick up my wig off of the floor.”

I chortle at the observation being made in P1. Good in comparison to what? OTHER School Spirit ideas???? I’m very aware that School Spirit Week is all week, not just one day. Heck, when I was in school, elementary or secondary, around Sectionals in Indiana High School Basketball, School Spirit Week ranked along with the Christmas holidays. You wore your school colors or you were a traitor. Everybody got in the act. Great times.

But we’re talking Milford High School here. God only knows what other conceptions that Dr. Pearl and Gilberto have in mind. Scottsdale Golf Sports Shirts Day? And bring your clubs? What better way to display your love of anything Mudlark than to wear reminders that Mimi has ditched the school temporarily (like we wish we could ditch this jukebox of plots) to practice her golf game and catch up on the gossip of two lesbians. Man, I’m fired up for Sectionals to start even as I text. Bring Your Favorite Vape Day? Just show security your vape wares and accessories, then stick them immediately back in your knapsack if you don’t want to get detention. Smoking School Spirit is grounds for expulsion. And be sure to empty all your contents, butter knives included, and put them in the salad bowl to run through that scanner on the conveyor belt. You’ll get them on the other side of the scanner. Okay, #2 pencils might sound the alarm but you’ll get them back in time for the Geometry quiz. Dr. Pearl Fun Bun Friday???? Get that old mop head out of the garage behind the whirring meat freezer and wash it in Gain and spray some Febreze Grapefruit Galore on it so you don’t attract the bugs and you’ll be the talk of the class. Like “If she wanted to look like Granny Clampett, why didn’t she hose it down with Pine-Sol? You mean, she got that out of Luhm’s storage bin? Does his scrubbers attract lice too?” Granted, it may not all be positive but you’re taking one for the team. Don’t let student comments restrain you from being true to your school, it’s #1 in the stale, er, state.

WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!! I GOT IT!!!!!!!!

Wear your Denny Miller Used Cars sales help uniform!!!!!! Hey, why not, we can remember a character actor who kept Gilligan’s Island on the map who supplemented his income by vending beat-up Econolines to Ron Howard or Dean Martin. If you saw Phyliss Diller in that ‘87 Buick Regal that was in dire need of Rust-oleum heading to a Milford Girls Basketball contest, you know she didn’t buy it from Milford Scrap, Inc. Look, when in Milford, do as the Mudlarks do. You might as well, plots in Thorpiverse change every day like School Spirit Activity ideas. I’ll be wearing my Denny Miller Tarzan Incarnate sales shirt the next time Vape-pusher Shaggy is in the neighborhood. Is Scooby Doo also peddling these Winston wannabes? Ruh Roh.

“You think I’m going to sign this contract that’s thicker than Euclid’s Elements just so I can fulfill your 5-game dream matches and wear a zebra top instead of expressing my identity against The Man? That we be the Homer and Homey Show? Call all fouls on those stooge teams you splat on the schedule in the last two minutes so you can pull one out cuz yo’ playuhs are too damn slow to even run a 2-on-1 break?”


“I don’t think so. Homey don’t play that.”

“Would you at least sign our contracts for our Donkey Basketball games?”

What in the name of Homey the Mauler does anybody mean with “pandemic learning”? I think most of us know what “pandemic” means and if you don’t know what “learning” means, you deserve a long staid career as a Thorpiverse scriptwriter.

People were wearing PJ’s EVERY DAY in the name of School Spirit???? Thank Heavens to Betsy we didn’t have Wear Your Brightest Birthday Suit Day. EVERY DAY???? Gil saunters the hallways brandishing those tattoos on those ugly cheeks in the name of wiping out COVID-19???? Is this how Onward Christian Soldiers was composed? Dr. Pearl in her ugly prunes for the sake of a Mudlark that in reality is a peacock because somebody was too damn lazy to purchase a bird at Milford Petting Zoo that bore a more striking resemblance? I’m sorry, watching the NBC peacock grace the MHS inner courtyard try to con the whole student body that it’s a Mudlark compels me to encourage this ruffle of feathers to try to simulate a rhino or a Gibraltar monkey. It might seem silly for Prune Chest to show her School Spirit in unusual ways for the sake of a water buffalo but if it effaces The Plague, ask questions later.

Thorpiverse is once again attempting to sound official and is really coming off as Homer the Official. Thank God it wasn’t Homey the Official. There are enough clowns around here to fill a pickup with Mudlarks disguised as peacocks but at least Homey the Official is scoring points. More than the basketball teams, fer sure.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Homer The Official Refuses To Officiate 5-Game Schedule Until Certain Concessions Are Met!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“School Spirit is important but I’ll be hanged if I wear Coach Kaz Trademark Jonny Quest PJ’s to benefit Measles Research. We’re already enough of a target, especially when both teams reach bonus.”

“You think I’m going to lick your boots just to satisfy my parole officer and he be in a better mood to set me up with a landlord that don’t have roaches in his living unit? That me and Coach Kaz are going to be two peas in a pod if I take off my suit when we’re coaching VT games? And wear HIS earrings????”


“I don’t think so. Homey don’t play that.”

“All right, Coach Kim, escort him out the exit. Be sure to check if the alarms are set. We don’t want the guard dogs let loose yet.”

“Yes, Your Excellency.”

Dorothy, come on now, if you’re going to get down and dirty and insult somebody’s School Spirit get-up, I can dig deeper than “sea dog”. I feel like I just got insulted by J. Wellington Wimpy. Oh, that cuts to the bone, Wimpy, did you use that same slur on Olive Oyl? And she returned with “sea burger”? Got it coming, Wimpy, the way you eat as many burgers as plots in one week. Bluto, your mother shaves her legs like you shave your face. Well, that cuts deeper than Keri being called Gil’s hairdresser or Kaz Wellington Wimpy. Thimble Theater will never be the same.

Speaking of Popeye, Sea Hag would be more appropriate. Oh, that’ll get a choke job out of Keri. She might land a spot next to Mike Knappe at Valley Modified but she’s got her pride, you know. Her hair may resemble the Sea Hag’s somewhat even though I do remember the latter with a hood. The point is, Keri may have zits but that’s better than the warts that the Sea Hag was promoting. Oh God, I better cut this short or Sea Hag might be sitting next to Dorothy in the cafeteria for another plot idea. Sea Hag getting on a cafeteria table and bitching about the chow and/or exclaiming that Popeye could coach better than Bluto, Wimpy, and Gil combined is just begging for an aborted Thorpiverse tune to get yanked out of the jukebox.

“YOU WIMPY YOU!!!!!!!!!”

“You’re out of the game, Coach Thorp!!!!!! And get a better team next time!!!!!!”

At least I don’t do choke jobs like my daughter.”

And look who’s talking, Dorothy. The plot calling the storyline “sniveling tripe”. This is one jukebox selection where the quarter got jammed in the slot. You are dressed for the nearest slumber party in a random classroom while your partner is Homey the Clown’s daughter. I don’t think so. Calling everybody “sea hag” while looking like the same crew that helped Herbie make toys or the Keebler Elves make Sandies Classic Shortbread wouldn’t be worth the choke job you’re anticipating. If you’re trying to get Keri over to Valley Modified, do better than saying you mother drives a pickle wagon when your own mom is pulling a rickshaw around Milford.

“And Gil is down for the three count against Herk the Mauler in this Texas Cage Match. Looks like Keri will be living in Herk’s trailer park beginning the next semester. We’ll be back for final comments. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

I just love these ED commercials. Now they got one where if you call in the next two minutes, you’ll get the whole procedure free, a $600 value. Nice to know when someone’s crotch is J.Wellington Wimpy and he couldn’t cash his (I’m pretty sure women don’t suffer from ED. Swelling and itching of hemarhoidal tissues like men, but not ED.) payroll check because Milford IGA front desk was gone for a meal break, he can use his cell phone and get erect before the midnight hour and not have to balance his checkbook. Life is good.

At the Thorp Household one fine afternoon with the Thorp Kiddies watching “Divorce Court.”

Heard in the den with the door locked

“DAGGONE IT!!!!!!!! The procedure is free!!!! I even have the phone statement when I called Firmer and Faster, Inc.!!!!!!!!!! I beat the buzzer!!!!!! I called 10 seconds within the deadline!!!!!!!!!!!!!!You can ask Milford A T & T yourself!!!!!!!!!!”

Mimi is out in the backyard with Coach Ericka, working on her drives, careful to watch out lest any stray balls don’t smash a window or land in somebody’s gutter

“What is that racket?”

“I don’t know, Mimi. It’s hard to pick up but I thought I heard somebody cussing at the phone because he was tired of being called ‘pumpkin wiener’.”

“GIL!!!!!!!! What is his problem NOW!!!! Here, Ericka we’ll putt in the bird bath later. Right now, my husband has lost his drive because he won’t take those EREC-3507 Calcium Enriched Sex God Tablets that I bought with coupon.”

Keri and Jami are done watching “Divorce Court” and Judge Wapner ruled that Tom Bradford can keep the swimming pool he had on layaway but will split everything else with his wife 50/50.

“Mommy, Daddy is threatening the operator. He said that if his second garden hose enhancement isn’t free, that he will take it to Milford Municipal Court for breach of contract.”

“…THAT’S RIGHT!!!!!!!! I signed the contract online after I made the phone call. I agreed to pay for the first one because I had excellent revolving credit and, what’s that? I KNOW my prized possession doesn’t operate like a lathe, I was talking about my Milford Teacher’s Federal Credit Union Debit Card!!!!!!!!!”

“Gil, open this door, you are embarrassing me in front of the kids and my coach.”

“Mimi, there’s going to be Hell to pay if Firmer & Faster, Inc. doesn’t fulfill its end of the contract!!!!!! I can’t conquer you on the Serta mattress if they’re going to pussyfoot this issue. I expect to bone you up one side and down the other without the Milford Collection Agency knocking on our bedroom door. Free is free!!!!!! As in, I don’t pay a nickel after I’ve inflated my garden hose, and I don’t mean with Milford City Water.”

“Mommy, what does he mean when he says I expect to screw in bed, not get the reverse on me?”

“It means if he doesn’t get his butt out here, he’ll be hurting from than a screw up his butt because he’s acting like a jerk. Gil, open this door NOW. Ericka is hiding under Amelia’s Chuck Wagon because she doesn’t know what to think.”

“I’m going to tell the operators that if they don’t get Daddy a free pump job, I’ll send a garden hose of my own to flood their workplace!!!!!!!”

“JAMI!!!!!!!!! BEHAVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!! And put that hose extension down!!!!!!! Gil!!!!!!! I mean it-“

“And the Firmer & Faster warehouse burned down????”

“That did it for me. I learned you get what you pay for. With the EREC-3507 Tablets, I have been hornier and hornier and can enjoy watching Mimi the next day, working on her putting stance, fully cognizant that I conquered the world the night before. Mimi might still send a putt in a gopher hole but Coach Ericka can always widen her shoulders. Amazing how simple golf is when my garden hose is a cornucopia. Come get your own fruit basket today, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.

You think I’m going to wear PJ’s so I look like the ‘70’s Padres? I don’t think so. T. Drew don’t play that.

But God bless you anyway.

At Milford Elementary School, Homey the Clown subbing for one of the 3rd grade teachers

“Okay, kiddies, sing along with me

The Man is bad!!!!!!!”

“THE MAN IS BAD!!!!!!!!”

“The Man’s a cad!!!!!!!!!!”

THE MAN’S A CAD!!!!!!!!!”

“The Man is really that goofy dumbass honky Brylcreem Bozo, Gil Thorp himself, and I ain’t about to kiss his booty, let alone his ring after he sent me to Valley Modified to play on that pizza pickle ball team and his wife couldn’t shoot par with a sawed-off shotgun and Dr. Pearl was once The Man ‘til she got that butt-ugly wig she dug out of Thomas Jefferson’s grave I DON’T HEAR NO SINGIN’ CHILDREN!!!!!!!!”


January 19, 2023

Can’t Anybody Do Geometry Problems Around Here?

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 11:45 am

The “What Plot Have You Done For Me Lately” concept continues as we move in from Gil pitching used cars that otherwise would have been chewed up at Milford Scrap Metals, Inc., with Tommy Chong’s grandson trying to look like the character actor from the ‘60’s, Denny Miller, to The Idiot’s Guide To Geometry as aptly executed by The Return Of The Butthead.

Speaking of Denny Miller, he was in a Gilligan’s Island episode where he was playing Tongo, an obvious takeoff to Tarzan. He played the role to the hilt and it really had the castaways fooled, every one of them thinking this man was Tarzan who had lived in a cave on the island somewhere with the rest of his Cro-Magnon buddies. When they are in shock to discover that Tongo is actually an actor trying to build his character for an upcoming film, they are angry but cautiously angry as Tongo is seen as their way off the island. However, Tongo is so embarrassed by his being caught with his true identity and intentions that he escapes with a helicopter he had hidden in a remote part of the island. Not wanting the press to find out about this fiasco, he flies off while the castaways helplessly plead to be rescued.

Now you’re getting the general idea with Thorpiverse. It’s been acting like a gorilla in the gym and we just put up with it because we’re comforted knowing that Luhm will shovel the gorilla droppings later until we see that gorilla about to escape with his life in a helicopter that was situated by the “Milford Fighting Mudlarks Drum & Bugle Corps” trailer off into another meaningless plot. We just go back in the gym.

And why not? We were so geared up for the grudge match between Milford and Valley Tech, only in a different sport, in this case, basketball, that when we observed Luke shouting Side Angle Side at a basketball game today, we could somewhat reason that Geometry 112 wasn’t transposed to the gym to accommodate a bigger class size. Sure, Luke Butthead, the shortest distance between two lines runs through your head. Imagine that. Shooting free throws at a 180 degree angle will create more clunkers than the facility accommodating gorillas sitting behind Marty Moon. Ability to compute Pythagoreans Theorem will determine the starting lineup. Let know one ignorant of geometry enter Butthead’s doors at his office.

And is this leading to a showdown between Butthead AND MIMI???? With Coach Blowhard (literally) by Butthead’s side? Maybe Coach Kim is the head coach. But you could say the same for Coach Ochoa. Both get their hands soiled and both use the brush to get the commodes sparkling like Rick Scott’s head but Butthead and Gil command the attention. Notice I didn’t say always with positive ramifications. The Skipper running the orangutan off the lagoon so that Milford HS cafeteria can listen to the soapbox speaker in peace while eating Munchos, only to find out Gilligan is the principal doesn’t make for good press. The point is, after slogging through several side shows like the one with Gil hawking Tommy Chong’s Better Days Used Transportation (“the way Mom used to make ‘em out of the oven”) , we were anticipating another showdown BETWEEN GIL AND LUKE. Getting our hopes up and discovering that the IU-Purdue rivalry game was pre-empted in favor of Ohio Valley A & M versus Grand Teton Tech was kinda sorta of a letdown. I’m sure somebody will watch it. Maybe.

Initially, I thought Marty Moon was shouting out the Geometry homework but why in a gym and why single out Mimi. She has a lot on her plate with that 5-game schedule.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Duties Reassigned At Valley Tech In A Corporate Restructuring!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“VT Spokesperson: ‘We feel Coach Kaz is best suited overseeing Boot-Shining Duties. We want Coach Luke going first-class. Coach Kim will remain at his present position as Assistant Coach-Motivational Prep detail. Someone has to keep Coach Luke happy when the students sometimes fail to genuflect in the hallways. We have yet to fill the Hat Refurbisher position but we have interviewed a couple of candidates this week.”

At the Milford-Valley Tech game one Friday night

“Why is Vic Doucette chasing that gorilla around the gym?”

“Oh shoot, did Luke Loser get loose again. They need to change the locks.”

I remember the movie “The Octagon”. I remember one critic’s assessment of it: “If you don’t know what an octagon is, don’t expect to learn it in this movie.” True enough. Chuck Norris plays Scott James, a martial arts whiz (in real life also) trying to break up this terrorist organization, their headquarters in Octagon (BTW, an octagon is an eight-sided figure if you’re hanging on the edge of your seat to learn) , a multifaceted structure that contains these traps and obstacles to prevent anyone from being foolish enough to kill the head honcho of this terrorist organization. Naturally, Joe Hero a/k/a Gil Thorp, er, Chuck Norris a/k/a Scott James manages to slip, slide, jump, pole vault, flip over and through, somersault, leapfrog, blowtop mad all the barriers and slay the Gil.

I don’t believe the sequel is going to be The Rhombus. Defined as a parallelogram that has all four sides equal and equal opposite angles, it is hard for me to conceive Luke Loser jumping on these bleacher seats that are separated by alligator-dominated waters, pole-vaulting over those mutant poplars in the back of Gil’s office, leapfrogging over Gregg Hamm’s wayward pitches, flipping through Mimi’s 5-game season, sliding under the cafeteria tables where Pedro and Jami are in a Round Robin D & D Invitational, somersaulting over Dr. Pearl’s file cabinet, cartwheeling with his wife in bed, slipping a 5 to get the corner table at Coffee Cantina, and finally blowtopping the waiter over a dispute with the tip. To slay the Gil? Within the confines of a rhombus?

It’s bad enough that this showdown of this Battle of the Titans has transmogrified into Godzilla Versus Mimi And Her Golf Instructor but I’m in no mood to watch Butthead attempt to negotiate through a series of mazes shaped like a trapezoid, then find out The Minotaur took up residence at that maze in New Harmony. Geez, no wonder why some of the Utopian crowd in that town went back to Pennsylvania.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Valley Tech Athletic Department To Designate Lockers Due To Unresolved Scheduling Conflicts!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Kaz: ‘No way do I want a locker near the laundry bin. I can smell Coach Luke’s dirty Athletic supporters through the chimneys.”

“Now just jump over that one. Leap over the dead twigs. Flip over the stream. There you go, now somersault the squirrels…”

Heard somewhere

“Does Gil teach all the 8-year olds to putt this way?”

We get some actual basketball action in P2 but that’s like saying that I love listening to Duke Ellington’s “Live at Newport” CD based upon a thirty-second clip of “Diminuendo and Crescendo in Blue” with Paul Gonsalves’ long-running ELECTRIC solo on sax. And I remember the Newport crowd going absolutely bananas on the solo and you can hear the frenzy pervade, prompting Duke to say “Oh, we got more, we got more.” He obviously skipped today’s strip when he announced that.

I’m not really sure what rhombus has to do with the VT girl palming the beach ball into the hoop, especially when the free throw area is rectangular in form. I remember the triangle offense and I claim no superior knowledge to it but if I had to make a stab, your star center (Shaq, for example) and star guard (Kobe, for example) and perhaps a good small forward (James Worthy comes to mind) form a triangle which is kinda sorta the idea. You can maybe guard one of them but you can’t guard all three, especially when they’re forming a triangle spread out on the floor. These three are bound to get their touches with the ball, sooner or later, which is the idea. The bitching stops. Nobody gets accused of hogging the ball. And with the remaining two players who couldn’t care less, they just want to be out on the floor and not on the bench, that just sealed Phil Jackson’s philosophy. People get their points at the end of the night and a ring at the end of the season. Jackson was a genius.

So let’s see if we can dissect Coach Butthead’s and Coach Bootlicker’s playbook. If the other team has been drinking or their coach has never seen a rhombus before, you can station four VT ladies in the shape of a rhombus starting from the free throw line extended down just in front of the backboard. The remaining fifth player is by the top of the key as a safety valve. Don’t stick this person by the half court line or the errant pass from the baseline might land in Coach Butthead’s Diet Coke cup. Pass the ball 1,549,032 times until the other team gets bored watching the ball on a patented rhombus pathway that has been traveled by many a Greyhound bus said number of times. VT has them where they want them. This works better than a four corner stall because you make risky cross court passes in the four corner, a real plot foot-shooter, no question. Why make a genius like Luke Butthead appear as if he got his playbook from the Charmin he does his personal wiping with in his water closet? And you can run out the clock this way because nobody is going to foul when they have to pursue The Flight of the Parallelogram just to send a VT to the line for a double bonus. All that work proving that corresponding angles of a triangle or rhombus are congruent only to see a VT shooter swish two from the charity stripe with the clock stopped? The West Union crowd will shout out “Let them dunk on an alley-oop already, for criminy sake, we gotta go to work tomorrow!!!!!” You’re a genius, Butthead.

Why back a person down in the paint? Not necessary. The other team will be so exhausted from this exercise in geometry futility that VT can score with the OTHER TEAM stopped, not just the clock. And make sure your fifth player can bomb from long range. A rhombus with no Steve Kerr? It’s like Joe Schlabotnik engineering the Triangle on an Ouija board hoping John Mengelt gets his share of touches. How can Butthead be a genius without his compass and straightedge, especially when he can buy them at a discount at Milford Apothecary forty-five minutes before game time? They were still in the bargain bin with the BOGO Kit Kat’s last time I checked, genius.

Rob is going to kill me, Rob is going to kill me…

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kaz Consults With His Agent Before Signing Finalized Contract As Assistant At Valley Tech!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“My agent just wanted to make sure Coach Luke didn’t pull a fast one and assign me Assistant Supervisor for Study Hall.”

Ooooookkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back and he won’t be one of Coach Butthead’s assistants as far as I know. Comforted and will sleep better with that tidbit in the back of my head

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought that Coach Kaz licking _____________ would help boost his pay at Valley Tech during the signing period.

Then there’s Coach Kim. As Mopman mentioned, it’s possible that he’s the head coach. But since when did that stop ol’ Genius If He’s A Billy Goat from infringing on Coach Kim’s space and shouting out the plays? You call the next defensive set, Billy, I need to take a leak anyway. Oh, didn’t I apply enough Kiwi Shoe Polish to your penny loafers? Oops, my bad. I applied burgundy when you’re clearly wearing black. I’ll get some at the store at halftime. You can give the halftime speech, O Holy Goat.

P2 is simply a travesty of justice because Coach Kim might as well refer to the coach you ride in when you’re hopping on the Greyhound to Oakwood because he sure as Hell isn’t Coach, as in Coach Knight. He might be Head Floorlicker because nobody sucks up better to Horrible Hat Martinez than he does; heck, he’s really not even an assistant coach. Coach Kaz was an assistant because he wasn’t afraid to tell Gil where to stick it. Coach Floorlicker doesn’t even dare to challenge Homer the Referee even when his kid goal tends when they’re playing Nerfhoops. We have to stomach this the next couple of months? Coach Kim’s tongue will be in a cast if he keeps adulating at the speed of sound over that period of time. God help him. And his tongue.

“You get the towels ready, I’ll tell the girls it’s game time. Are the refs here yet?”

“I saw them walking through the door just now, Your Majesty.”

Evening Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kim To Add Assistant Coach In Continual Reshuffling Of Duties!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I wouldn’t dare stand up to His Holiness but I feel Coach Kaz can work with the girls on free throw shooting. And Coach O.J. will help with rebound assignments. Both will be supervise laundry preparation.”

P3 really recaps what we have seen many times before. Coach Kim, if he is the head coach, isn’t really heading anything here. Okay, say Joy (or so the caption announces) is a future WNBA phenom. Is she going to get there because of anything Coach Kim is saying? Because right now, all I’m seeing is a perpetual lick job that doesn’t appear to be ceasing anytime in this lifetime. Why is Coach Kim along anyway if all he is doing is rubber-stamping anything Goat Breath has to say? Does he not have a life of his own? Maybe I just answered my own question.

Right now, Coach Kim has as much backbone as Dr. Pearl on Peacock Bonfire Pep Rally Night. Don’t ask him to set up the final play when Jimmy Chitwood could swish one through and send everyone home happy. He might get lost if he stands on his own two feet. You’d have to hand him a Rand-McNally Road Atlas if he was forced to proceed from that uneasy stance. Thank God he wasn’t on the Milan bench when the Indians won the ‘54 Championship. Bobby Plump might be a butt-kisser just like Coach Kim if Bobby didn’t hit the Shot Heard ‘Round The World. Thank God that Rhombus play designed to get Plump open worked. It was it the Parallelepiped? I can’t remember off the top of my head.

“And that ends the first quarter with the Valley Tech Fussbudgets, 43, West Union Dumb Rox, 21. Coach Luke Bluster Butt is in rare form, shouting out all 5 food groups in his play-calling and it’s obviously confusing the Dumb Rox who evidently can’t tell a Black Forest ham from black-eyed peas. It’s even more confusing why I’m broadcasting VT games but I go where my paycheck goes. We’ll be back after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.

At Milford High School Chemistry Lab at 4:12AM

“There!!!!!!! This ought to get me erect!!!!!!! I’ll dominate Mimi so much, her head will be swimming in NaOH!!!!!!!!!”

Mimi and the kids finally find Gil, the light standing out in the darkness, the light shining on a picture of the Milford Peacock dining on some termites in the inner court.

“Mommy, there he is. Why is he humping the solution of HCl? Doesn’t he know it’ll eat through his pubic hair?”

“If I don’t eat him alive with my wrath first. GIL!!!!!!! Unlock this door and get your butt home!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!”

“I can’t talk now, Mimi. I was sent this literature encouraging me to shop around for the best Erectile Dysfunction medicine. I gambled a stamp and sent for this catalog. I got some info from this ED Clinic in Hattiesburg, Mississippi in a building that used to be a bar. They had to remove the mirrors for the strip dancers in one of their rooms. Then I received a chemistry set from the Chemical Engineering Department at MIT. I am going to be a man when I swallow this Hydroxlmethanebicarbonate. It’ll be ready anytime after it’s been boiling off the Bunsen burner for 15 minutes. I just have to distill it for a moment and add some sugar cubes. I’ll be harder than an Erlenmeyer flask.”

“Mommy, wouldn’t Benzodiazepinesalkaliethanolboronicneonarsenicialthalliumradicalnitroustricarboxyl fluid work better? Daddy tried his formula and he got a lot of gas. He was on the toilet doing lesson plans for French the whole time he was babysitting us.”

“He won’t have to worry about substitute teaching because I’ll have a substitute husband who will satisfy a lot more because he would take those EREC-6321 Extra Strength No Sudimenofren Tablets like I’ve been telling Daddy to do. Then we wouldn’t to balance equations to have fun under the sheets.”

“Mimi and Keri, it’s like this. When two or three players don’t mesh well because they don’t have the chemistry to win the game, you sit them on the bench and bring in players willing to get along. Do I throw in lithium and lead when I’m trying to boil H2O to heighten my sexual awareness? I’d no more load down my personal possession with beryllium just to get Mimi howling at the moon any more than I’d throw in Dennis the Menace and his pal Joey with the rest of the Milan Indians hoping they’ll set a picket fence for Bobby Plump. You have have the right chemistry if you want to conquer your woman and I don’t mean playing Stratego.”

“Mommy, he’s pouring charcoal into the mortar. Why is he using Coach Luhm’s broom handle to crush it up?”

“Keri, I lost the pestle so I had to do something to crush up the carbon to rub on my person. This is an excellent Vulcanizing process. It’ll be like having sex with a steel-belted radial.”

“At this point, Gil, I’d rather have sex with Dr. Spock.”

“Mommy, I’m going to use some of that Kingsford Charcoal at home and rub all over my wiener and be an Olympic diving board just like Daddy-“

“NO YOU WON’T, JAMI!!!!!!!!!!! Gil, end this-“


“Oops. I titrated too much lighter fluid.”

“I found out the hard way that there is no substitute for Milford Men’s Clinic. I took those EREC-6321 Extra Strength No Sudomenifren Tablets and the chemistry came alive under the sheets. I didn’t have to use a periodic table to have the time of our lives, not even memorize Lanthanide Series to find my possession. Come straighten out your own chemical imbalance, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, I’m not licking Luke’s hat to be in charge of the concession stand, I don’t care if Luke is offering free M & M’s as a perk. His mouth melts in his hand AND his hat.

But God bless you, Gang.

Leap over here, somersault over there, jump up the ailanthus, flip through Dr. Pearl’s office, watch the file cabinet, sheesh, this plot maneuvering is horrible. No wonder why Chuck Norris turned down Luke’s offer to be his bodyguard…

January 17, 2023

“…Spare A Dime? We Play On This Basketball Team…”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:03 am

Gang, I don’t know about you but Tobias is getting to be like Dr. Rex’s kids. It was bad enough that Rex’s babysitter was a sniveling bitch but now the kids are getting brattier and brattier because Mrs. Morgan isn’t getting home fast enough to get started. Geez, can’t the Stouffer’s Microwaved Meat Loaf wait, for cryin’ out loud? I knew she should have bought 20 World’s Finest from Toby and Darrius to shut ‘em up. I mean, stick a Totino’s Super Bowl Pepperoni in Tobias’ mouth already and while you’re at it, the embouchures of all the Morgan kids. Yeah, go to your room with Totino’s Pizza Rolls stuffed in your cheeks.

Mrs. Morgan, or June as they call her in Glenwood, was grocery shopping, then got Thorpiversed, first by a man who fell on his butt on the slippery parking lot, then by a man who was a diabetic who darn near fainted because his sugar level was low. Now she’s racing home past Kaz who still has to sign his life away with Luke Loser and Lord only knows what transpires after that. Sarah and her two younger brothers at the bonfire? Plot filler if I ever saw one.

It’s just that, again (!!!), Tobias is getting to be like those rug rats. And it is getting on my nerves and I daresay I’m not the only one who feels that way. I personally could excuse the plot-stretching that involved Toby kicking to himself for the winning score. Okay, never played football before, pulled off something that would be questionable in reality to engineer, but we swallowed it, well, because June is coming home with the Happy Meals and Rex’s kids will cease bouncing off the wall.

But then Tobias has a career game against Joe Schlabotnik High which is really stretching it. That’s like expecting Rex’s kids to behave even with a growling stomach by doing the New York Times Crossword in the Glenwood Enquirer. But all right, hand the kids the Bic’s Disposable Pen’s and hope for the best. It’s when Toby has a party and a bonfire where Keri ends up on Milford Peaks ski slope smooching with Pedro and Darrius endures the 7-Year Hangover at practice on Monday that push matters over the edge. Okay, make the snots do the crossword but don’t feed them Spam until June finally comes home.

The final straw had to be pissy-faced Toby in the last game. Toby, welcome to sports. If your head is so far up Dr. Rex’s stethoscope that you can’t tell June from the geezer who fell on his rear end because someone forgot to salt the parking area, you deserve to ride the pine. Corey Ray, who played for University of Louisville Baseball was once asked “How do you stay so sharp?” His answer was a gem: “All I know is Coach Mac(Dan McDonnell) never chewed you out. The bench was message enough.” As Billy Martin once said “I communicated with the lineup card.” Make Toby and the Morgan brats eat turnip greens dipped in linseed oil. And their babysitter while we’re at it. If that isn’t communication, God didn’t make World’s Finest in the summertime.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kaz Seen On Street Corner By Coffee Cantina Peddling World’s Finest Chocolate!!!!!!!! Says Sales Will Defray Some Of Moving Van Expenses!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“My severance went partly to my retirement but I had bills to pay. If I sell 300 World’s Finest this week, I’ll be able to pay closing costs.”

“…and another thing, the way I communicate is with the lineup card. Any questions?”

“Gil, these are second grade golf students you’re instructing.”

Gang, this past Saturday was my fifth anniversary with this site. I was reluctant to say anything because anybody who knows me knows “There’s no ‘I’ in the word TEAM”. Hey, YOU are the ones who make it happen. YOU keep me going. I have said for five years, I’ll say it now. I am NOTHING without the readers. This is YOUR milestone, Gang. As Coach Stuard always said “Us coaches take the losses, you players take the wins.” This is YOUR victory, Gang. Enjoy it.

God bless you all. You mean the world to me.

I don’t know which is worse. Darrius and Tobe panhandling for basketball funds, then eventually devouring some of the profit or Dr. Rex putting up with his snarly munchkins in today’s strip. Dr. Rex, you do use a paddle when your kids are getting disrespectful? Or do you go Gil on us and let Homer the Referee call for Domino’s delivery? Man, Dr. Rex, smack ‘em upside their head if they’re getting that mouthy or go follow Coach Kaz to Valley Tech. Milford already has Rick Scott.

I like how one of Dr. Rex’s kids semi-desperately requests making a frozen pizza. That’s right, when Mom Morgan can’t make it on time to put the Lean Cuisine Chicken Cacciatore Subsumida sul Vino e la Salsa de Pesce and Toby can’t sell any $1.00 Specials out of the recycled cardboard box that Carol Merrill, er, Darrius is carrying, the plot can always hit the microwave and press “Frozen Entree”. Pizza qualifies, trust me. Don’t forget to get the defrosted slop when finished or the beeper will keep beeping forever. Who wants to be reminded ad infinitum that the defrosted plot has been whining for two hours? Besides, you think the Morgan kids are going to let that beeper carry on and on when they’re so hungry they could eat a vape stick? You think Tobe and Darrius are going to stay out there longer than the basketball plot? Selling chocolate and vape sticks to soccer moms and little old ladies from Pasadena to finance a new backboard? Are you serious? Perish the thought.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kaz To Be At Grand Opening Of His New Business, Kaz’s Klassy Vape Shoppe!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We’ll be giving away free Taryton cartons to the first 200 customers.”

“The way I communicate around here is with the lineup card.”

“Coach Ochoa, does that mean I’ll be starting ahead of Darrius this Friday?”

I have done a million (give or take a thousand) kids sports fundraisers, therefore I can relate to P1 and can relate to P2 as well. As I learned, you get a lot more “no’s” than “yes’s”. Nature of selling. But you have to stay with it and be aggressive without being obnoxious. One year, I was hawking our high school cross country yearbooks and sometimes I felt like I was hawking rubber dishes or Gil’s Brylcreem but then I’d hear “Sure, I’ll buy one.” It would keep me going and I’d get more “I’ll take one’s”. It was fun and worth it.

I just chortle when I see that box. Did they ever think of sitting at a table where people can see the merchandise? Otherwise, for all we know, Darrius could be selling titanium airplane parts, for a dollar naturally. C’mon, nobody is going to spend $20 for a titanium wing that was once part of a Delta plane that laid over at Milford International once a week. Where would you hang it in the wall? Next to that “Senecio” painting by Klee? Other cubist works like Picasso’s “Mimi With a Mandolin” (Mimi’s hair at one with the instrument) or Paul Cezanne’s “Quarry Bibemus”? By the bust of Salmon P. Chase? Put it on the coffee table by the ash tray. Oh, be careful, that was once a masterpiece.

Is Darrius carrying bombs? What would be the sales pitch?

“Can I interest you in buying a stick of dynamite? They’re only a dollar.”

“No, I’m waiting for Black Friday.”


“I suppose you wouldn’t want to by some TNT to help raise money for our Basketball team?”

“No thank you, we already bought some at Costco.”



“Sure, Kaz, I’ll buy one.”

“Thanks, Pedro.”

Used records?

“Would you be interested in buying ‘Hank Snow: Live Comeback at Milford Union Hall Local 808’?”

“No thank you, I already bought ‘Deep Purple: Made in Japan’ at Kohl’s.”

I’ll stick with World’s Finest in the box. For now.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kaz Named Night Manager At Coffee Cantina After Lengthy Deliberation!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“CC owner: ‘His can-do attitude jumped off the page. We had several praiseworthy candidates but in the end his ability to motivate our personnel to change the latte filter before the opening Coffee Hour show act sent this decision over the edge.”

“Would you be interested in buying a Marlboro Menthol Vape Stick to fund our Honors Program for Chemistry and Physics?”

“No thank you. What are you doing selling this stuff here at Milford 5 & 10 Variety, Dr. Pearl?”

“The other sales help failed to present himself.”

Oh waaaaaaaaaaaa, Darrius. Get over it.

This is what’s making these daggone plots so maddening. They flit like the moth in your closet and you have to resort to Raid to fish it out if you don’t strike it dead on the first spray. But then to compound the travesty, T-Verse has Darrius behaving like Dr. Rex’s kids. Do we HAFTA sell these candy bars at the grocery store? Ooooooo, I don’t want to sell candy at Bud’s across the lot. Bud has cooties. I don’t wanna sell frozen pizzas, Daddy say’s Totino’s makes him fart. Mom, Tobias pinched me in the butt. Daddy, what did that man mean that chocolate puts him in estrus?

BTW, what IS this Bud’s in the background. Thorpiverse is always trying to impress with store names that make halfway decent sense. I mean, Butthead’s Bargain Outlet leaves a little to be desired. Stinky’s Ford Dealership leaves us hanging. No, I’ll give T-Verse points for not presenting Toilet’s Toy & Hobby Shop on the wide screen.

But again, what IS Bud’s store in business for? Well, it can’t be another grocery store unless the lady who vetoed the World’s Finest sales was walking out of the Amityville house. A restaurant? I’ve never seen McDonald’s resemble a warehouse or department store. No, I don’t think it’s a car dealership. Stinky’s Ford has that covered. Maybe a men’s store? Maybe. Bud’s Big & Tall would have a nice ring to it. So does Bud’s Sporting Goods. Bud’s 30-Minute Oil Change might work in that airplane hangar structure presently standing. If the airplanes can fit, oil changes, except for maybe semi’s, should be a snap. Bud’s Work Clothes could also be possible. Better than Toilet’s Work Clothes.

“Where’d you buy those Dickie pants and work boots?”

“Toilet’s had a BOGO sale.”

And really, Bud’s Work Clothes for Fat-Asses just won’t cut it. Maybe that’s why we just see Bud’s. Better than Toilet’s Fat-Ass Emporium, I suppose.

“I want that Totino’s and I want it NOW!!!!!!!!”

“Do you let your kids talk to you that way, Gil?”

“Sorry, Rex, I’ll go get my belt.”

If ya sell World’s Finest Deer Rub at the entrance of Milford Guns & Ammo ta help pay fer tha prop-er-tee taxes at Milford Conservation Club and eat what ya don’t sell and add some Queso dip ta tha said edibles, ya might be a redneck.

Tobias, if you are trying to overcome your whiney crybaby image, today’s panel didn’t help. P3 is Exhibit A for any foot-shooting maneuvers. Tobias blasted his lower appendage off to Pluto. Are you absolutely kidding me, Thorpiverse? Both Darrius and Toby act like Rex’s Rats, then wonder why nobody’s buying from them? Get real.

Then they have the audacity to suggest selling something they couldn’t sell as a minor and even if they were adults, what would be the point? Selling the Marlboro Man to benefit the Milford Swimming team? What are they going to do, display him next to the championship banners? “Oh look, Junior, there’s your sister’s name on the Valley Conference Champions banner, right under the Marlboro Man’s boots.” Yeah.

Why don’t these yahoos just go to Milford Cigar & Smoke Shoppe and stock up on cigars? As long as they’re moaning and groaning, they might as well be selling Muriel Cigar boxes at the entrance of Bud’s Toilet Warehouse and smoke a couple when sales are slow. When that lady in P2 refuses to loosen her budget for chocolate or cigars, drastic affairs are in order. And if Bud’s closes for the night, Frick and Frack can always shift to PO’s Chicken Shack. I understand they make a mean cole slaw.

“We’ll return to see if Dr. Rex Morgan followed through on that OTC prescription of Pepto-Bismol to address Tobias’ diarrhea problems due to excess consumption of World’s Finest after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

At the Morgan household one night

“Whew!!!!! My, what a day. Thank God I managed to send that gentleman to the hospital after he slipped on a grape and tore out his gluteus maximus. I hope they don’t have to amputate. Oh well, never mind. Let’s get down and dirty and forget our troubles.”

“June, I am ready to be a man and you’re going to like it. I practiced my machismo on those kids when they flipped me off because we had no more Eggos to throw in the toaster. I told them no Oreos until payday. Now it’s time to take charge of YOU!!!!!!!!”

“Oh Rex, I’ll have your Red Baron’s Square Pepperoni Pizza out of the oven quicker next time. And I want your DiGiorno’s Thick Crust right now, right this very-uh, never mind.”

“Honey, I’m confused. I am crossing the Rubicon of masculinity and your elephants got caught in the microwave. What seems to be the problem?”

“Rex, you need to put your person on life-support. I’d rather argue with the kids over where to store the Chips Ahoy! than to get sexually excited over your gummi worm. What did you take for your ED problems, Laffee Taffee?”

“Darling, that is no way to talk to a man. I didn’t take any fluff from the kids and I backed it up by cutting their Game Boy usage by 15 minutes. And I won’t take any fluff from you.”

“Unfortunately, if we pursue our sexual cooperation any further, that’s all I’ll be getting is fluff. You could put your person in the cookie jar with the rest of the Oreos and nobody would notice. If you don’t mind, I’d rather not have sex with the Big Fig Newton.”

“Now please don’t increase the agitation factor. I sent Sarah to her room with only 10 pieces of pizza. And I took away her Parmesan cheese privileges. If you’re not careful, I will not be responsible for my lack of medical ethics. I will violate the Hippocratic Oath and do lots of harm to your femininity. Now let’s get down and soiled.”

“Rex, maybe you won’t be held accountable for your want of medical restraint but you’ll be at the gallows for lack of evidence. You couldn’t duel with Charlie Brown with that sword made out of Tupperware. You might get that mixed up with one of their salad bowls.”

“My manhood will not be defamed. I will climb up very mountain and not stop until I conquer my enemies and the summit they rode their horses on. Come, let’s discuss surrender terms and experience euphoria when you sign on the dotted line.”

“Rex, if you’re going to climb Mt. Everest, use something hard. Pitons made from balsa wood won’t scale the shower curtain. I don’t want to get conquered by Mr. Moose.”

“I am Grant and by Jove, you’ll be mine at Appomattox-“


“Yes, Sarah?”

“What’s discreet packaging? Some FedEx man is at the door with a funny-looking box. And the Domino’s man is right behind. Can I use your credit card?”

“We punished Sarah by not letting her take the breadsticks with the order. We fed the goldfish because June forgot to buy fish food. But I had forgotten about the wonderful products from Milford Men’s Clinic that my colleague, Coach Thorp, had recommended. Those EREC-3541 No Sodium Soft-Gel tablets worked wonders on my dearth of manhood. Now I can face Sarah every time she takes one Tennessee Pride patty too many by taking 15 cents off of her allowance. More importantly, I can face June with more than my stethoscope. And we are having more fun than the time we rode in separate cars on the roller coaster. With proven treatment programs that I as an MD heartily endorse, it is wonderful to penetrate something else besides a patient’s femur on the x-ray. Come solve your own medical problems without a shot, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, if you’re not willing to sell rubber dishes, that’s your prerogative but I intend to raise money for those shower stalls in the locker room. Personally, I don’t want the players getting ringworm on their toes anymore.

But God bless you anyway, Gang.

Evening Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Pep Boys Refuses Shipment To Coach Kaz’s Residence Despite Earnest Pleas From The Latter!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Pep Boys Manager: ‘We understand that Coach Kaz is two months behind on the house payment but we cannot in good conscience rubber-stamp orders of Quaker State for him to sell door-to-door.”

“Gil, you need more ties. That banquet is this Friday.”

“I agree. Is Toilet’s Big & Tall still open?”

January 12, 2023

What’s Led Zeppelin IV’s Symbolism Doing Out Here In Arizo-OH (Smack) , That’s The Food Vending Cart.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:14 pm

Gang, let me deal with the proverbial elephant in the room first. Being a Christian, I really cannot endorse anything to do with homosexuality or lesbianism and I hope people would understand. I do think as a Christian, we are to love and pray for those who choose this lifestyle. And my feeling has always been to never impose my views on anyone, unless asked. I would ask for the same in return. I have been a strong believer in Joshua 24:15: “Choose the God whom you will serve. As for me and my house, we will serve The Lord.” Never back people in a corner. I know I don’t like the feeling(ha).

Now let me get this straight. Ericka Carter meets Mimi at an Arizona golf course and then just like that starts lecturing on her golf stance? I mean, if I’m at the Nome, Alaska Putt Putt and I’m trying to shoot my ball through a hole in this replica cannon to save par and I’m a high school basketball coach in, say, Beaufort, South Carolina, am I to expect some stranger to come out of the Bering Sea and introduce himself or herself as my assistant coach? Then show me the finer points of my mid-range? By saying that the reason why I double bogeyed the drawbridge was because my belt buckle was pointing towards my patella? Don’t slouch so much when you’re getting it on the green. Keep your butt nice and tight on the follow through or you’ll hit the kids up ahead by the windmill. And you drive for show, putt for dough. You can’t get Putt Putt Gift Cards if you jerk your wrists the wrong way when you’re putting. Take the bogey rather than watch it wind up by the Pepsi machine.

By the way, is Tevin Claxton coming back next year? We need his defense down low. And did you get the referees to sign their contracts? Is there a Subway here in Nome?

Gang, you won’t believe this. Davey Johnson, when he was once managing the Mets (the club’s all-time leader in wins, FYI) , got together with Luciano Pavarotti (or the New York lead opera singer at the time) because Johnson wanted to develop his lungs. He felt that if his voice was full and resonant, he could intimidate the living daylights out of the umpires. Maybe, but in the ‘88 National League Championship Series, Dwight Gooden inexplicably threw a walk to a Dodger whose team was on the ropes and just about to get eliminated. Then the next Dodger batter parks one and eventually won and went on to the World Series where Kirk Gibson’s “One Moment in Time” swing inspired the Dodgers to grab the World Series by the throat. Opera singers from La Scala can only do so much, either with umpires or the season in general. Anyway

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Mimi Thorp To Collaborate With Resident Diva At Milford La Boheme Les Miserables Metropolitan Opera House Prior To Upcoming Season!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Homer the Referee cost us two games last year and a chance at the Valley Conference Title. No way was that a push-off. And that Goshen gorilla was all over Cami’s back on rebounds. Then he swallows his whistle on that flagrant foul. Keri landed in the wrestling mat by the scorer’s table. I just want a fair game unless it’s on the other team.”


“Oh look, Ericka, there’s the food truck. Let’s go get a Pepsi.”

“No way. That Mr. Pibb cost me $14 and it was flatter than the desert.”

Gang, I don’t claim to be a cactus expert but no way do they rival redwood trees in terms of height. The next saguaro I see as tall as the Gateway Arch will be the first one. The one towering over Ericka’s head had to have had its growing season when the wheel was invented. And are you serious???? Cacti grow out of food trucks???? I really try to lay off the elm-humping-fellow-catalpa-below-the-elm concept that has been prevalent behind Gil’s office out in the hinterlands somewhere. But today just takes the cake. Cacti that are mutant poplars in disguise growing as tall as the apex of Old Faithful’s output and utilizing the hot dog warmer as a base simply begs of creditable plots with props rooted in reality. True, the cactus has both feet on the ground even if those feet are entrenched in the Bud cooler. It’s the other direction I’m concerned about. Cacti don’t soar to great heights, not literally anyway. One shot through the panel threshold and Ericka’s Special barely cleared waivers.

Then there’s the food truck itself. Okay okay, it could be Gil’s pickup there to carry Mimi’s clubs but how can he carry a cactus and a golf bag simultaneously in the truck bed? And Beth the Bartender’s shot glasses? With Led Zeppelin’s album title on the tailgate? Please.

But that still doesn’t get bad artwork off the hook. Nobody grows cacti out of the radiator and parades Black Sabbath’s “Master of Reality” logo while peddling $13 Cokes and $9 Doritos Ranch Mini-Bags. I have tried to decipher the cuneiform language on the side of the cart and I wanted to guess “BEER” but the jury is still out on even that. I threw out other conjectures. M & M’s Diet Chocolate Morsels. Mrs. Butterworth’s Maple Syrup. Mike & Ike’s Peppermints. Grape Nehi. Eat at Joe’s. Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Hey Kiddies, Watch Looney Tunes Now Showing Every Afternoon On WDIG-TV. Bugs Bunny Is A Bud Man. Elmer Fudd Prefers Michelob. Daffy Duck, Coors. I ruled out the last one because I couldn’t extract the cuneiform equivalent for Daffy Duck. So Led Zeppelin IV language is still the closest I can guess at this point. Anyone with suggestions is welcome. It must be in good taste and 25 words or less.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp To Consult With Lead Tenor For Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart’s ‘Don Giovanni’ Shortly Before The Opera Season Gets Underway!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Anything to get an edge on my next game with Valley Tech. The ref calling over-and-back on my kicker was the turning point in the game. Coach Ochoa has an appointment with him next Monday.”


“How ‘bout some nacho chips?”

“In this heat? I’ll be farting all the way to #17.”

P2 is exhibit A of what’s making affairs so maddening in this neck of the woods. The basketball game the other day was a bit dramatic and had its moments, even with Toby’s dubious adventures. Today we switched from John Paxson’s shot that helped win the ‘93 Series for the Bulls (nuthin’ but nylon, as I recall) to Let Ericka Help You Swing Better By Forcing You To Enroll In Weight Watchers on the Golf Channel. Then is it really necessary to spend the next few weeks learning that Amelia has more loaded down than the Fritos and Tab in her chuck wagon?

I worked for Mr. Pirkle in Atlanta (good man, do anything for you, his son, David Junior runs it now) at Pirkle Incorporated as a summer job. I loved the job and it really helped me mature. At 10:45 every day the food vendor would come by and sell all kinds of goodies. “Snack Man is here, Snack Man, Snack Man”, Dave would cheerfully belt out over the intercom. You could hear that horn he’d honk, a real dissonant sound that made you feel like the whole truck was dying a natural death.

That’s pretty much what’s happening here. Amelia is barging in with that honker that gives you the impression the food vending cart is puking and we are compelled to deal with her baggage, hopefully just this one time. The way the plots have been puking themselves lately, there’s hope. If not, get your barf bag out of the glove box and bring your empty lunch bag too. I get the feeling Amelia will be dumping Lay’s Sour Cream, can of Diet Pepsi, and her checkered past in the latter. We have to pay $12 for the Pepsi and her failed affair account with Ericka? I can use Nutrasweet for the former.

You look thirsty, Amelia.

No problem, Ericka, I brought the chaser too.

If ya can tree a squirrel up a cactus as tall as the Natural Bridge Monument with all the bloodhounds shoutin’ at it, even tho it’s too damn high fer the bloodhounds ta see, ya might be a redneck.

More excitement galore as Amelia resembles a member of Bananarama. Oh Boy. Please Please Please don’t tell me we’re going to bifurcate the basketball plot with the Bananarama “Venus” video where Amelia is practically tonguing a fellow B-Rama member when she’s not selling Reese’s White Chocolate Cups for $11 to a foursome with a chocoholic binge. Don’t get me wrong, Berrill was not without controversy and Barajas seems to be taking the baton on that issue; but let’s not have Amelia getting warm and fuzzy with Ericka, then abruptly switch over to Heehaw’s death bed. Sensitive issues are part of life, believe me, I get it. Throwing controversy around as if Gregg Hamm is still the pitcher is simply throwing the controversy in the dugout because Hamm again forgot to bring his bifocals. Try to argue THAT with the umpire, Gil. If we’re going to explore sensitive issues in depth, I have no problem with it, but keep Heehaw’s dentures out of it.




“Do you want one or two pickles on your hot dog?”

“Two. And soak that bad boy in mayo.”

Dr. Pearl and Mr. Dr. Pearl one night in intimate fellowship in bed, serenaded by “Misty Mountain Hop”

“Oh that feels so nice, oh go deeper and deeper.”

“Absolutely. I have enough Lanacaine. Now let me rub your right shoulder, Sugar Britches Lemon Lollipop Tootsie Roll of a Rhubarb Pie.”

Then P3 puts us at a crossroads. Hey, when Josh Sterling was the quarterback way back when and just as equally not afraid to impart his Christian views, it naturally sparked controversy as any sensitive issue will. BUT WE KEPT ON WITH IT. Let’s not announce to the world what used to be then tomorrow Gil takes out the garbage while he’s talking to Kaz on his cell phone about some kid who got rammed in the wall by Kaz because the kid spit on his earrings. I may not always be crazy about the issue but let’s not throw it under the bus and switch over to Pedro and Keri at the highest point in Indiana smooching to high Heaven. If I want a whirlwind, I’ll hop on the nearest carousel.

Gang, before I sign off, I do want to address one more concern that affects a lot of people out there. Several of you gentleman have Erectile Dysfunction issues and I realize it is hurting your relationships with your spouses. But GOOD NEWS!!!!!! I have obtained the Gil Thorp FDA-Approved ED Evaluation and Assessment Core Battery Exam that is certified by the Milford Medical Association and the Milford Psychiatric Institute to probe the inner sanctum of your failures in bed and beyond. No #2 pencils required, no proctor will peep over your shoulder and you’ll have until Valentine’s Day to fill this to completion. The test, I mean.

Good luck

Have you ever experienced ED?

  1. Yes
  2. No
  3. Only when taking the garbage out to the dumpster when Luhm calls in
  4. Only when I get hosed by Homer the Referee
  5. When Heehaw or mother-in-law equivalent comes to visit for more than one day and I only have Pop Tarts for food supply

How is this affecting your life?

  1. I avoid having sex
  2. I spend less time at Milford Bingo Parlor
  3. Mimi steadfastly refuse to have a third child to help me snap that losing streak to Luke Loser
  4. I don’t swagger in basketball practice, Girls or Boys, or in front of Beth the Bartender
  5. Dr. Pearl doesn’t swagger in front of me

How quickly are you looking for a solution?

  1. RIGHT NOW!!!!! Why else would I be harping about my Gobi Desert experiences under the sheets with Mimi?
  2. Before the Milford Transplant Contingent Weekend Pro-Am Golf Tournament in Scottsdale, Arizona
  3. This Month
  4. This Year
  5. Before the Baseball Plot commences

What has stopped you from getting treatment before?

  1. Watched a lot of game film of Valley Tech
  2. Milford Pharmacy ED medications were more expensive than Luke’s hat
  3. Didn’t want to go to doctor and when undressing, display that “Mimi kissed on this spot in ‘87” tattoo on the right cheek of my derrière
  4. Milford High School Major Medical Insurance won’t cover it
  5. My doctor once dated Amelia

How will your life improve if treated?

  1. Mimi and I will do more under the sheets than discuss IU Football
  2. Mimi will spend more time with me, especially in Maui where I won’t be playing Old Maid with the hula dancers anymore, than at Heehaw’s Milford Adult Center Pro-Am Shuffleboard Tournaments
  3. Be a stud again, loosely speaking
  4. Get promoted to Athletic Director finally and without having to go through another background check with the Milford School Board
  5. All of the above

Once you have completed the exam,

  1. Talk with your doctor!!!!! He can’t help you if you are all blow and fail to show. Don’t be like Gil and shake the man’s hand and lecture the chump on good sportsmanship only to find out Mimi ran off with the WDIG-TV cameraman to Milford Motel 6.
  2. Get discreet packaging!!!!!!! The days of the USPS coming out of his jeep to deliver your Sports Illustrated subscription, L’eggs Panty Hose, IBM Laptop to replace your outmoded apparatus in the den, Mr. Coffee appliance you ordered online and HARD & NASTY ED Solutions are done with. No more Santa Claus going down the chimney to deliver toys and Milford Pharmacy ED Soft-Gel Tablets, 200 Count under the Christmas tree. Santa will have to get his milk and cookies in other aspects.
  3. LIFT OFF!!!!!!!!!!

Gang, now daggone it, you can’t fit that cactus in my domicile!!!!! I’d have all kinds of scratches that Pine-Sol couldn’t remove!!!!!!

But God bless you, Gang.


“You want a Mr. Pibb? I’m buying.”

January 10, 2023

“That’s DOCTOR Kaz To You, You Bimbo!!!!!!!”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 2:58 pm

Gang, I apologize, I’ve made it a point to get started earlier but the whirlwind surrounding the College Football National Championship yesterday, I just got overwhelmed. I make it a policy to do everything possible to refrain from publicizing my sports teams preferences but my brother is a HUGE Dawgs fan and I am VERY happy for him. Take nothing away from TCU. The Horned Frogs deserved to be in the spotlight, especially after beating Michigan. TCU had played lights out all season and they were a Cinderella story indeed. That said, again happy for my brother and congratulations to the Georgia Bulldogs for repeating.

One thing we won’t have to worry about repeating is Coach Kaz next year as any kind of coach for Milford, be it volleyball, football, pickleball, figure skating competition, bumper bowling, baseball, indoor field hockey, golf, miniature golf (“Coach Kaz Memorial Windmill Obstacle”-I can see it now) . And his slight ultimatum reminds me of the time Frank Sinatra, ol’ Blue Eyes, received an honorary doctorate from Stevens Institute of Technology, a well-respected engineering institution in Hoboken, New Jersey (you can see the New York City skyline from the campus) . It caused, IMO, more controversy than it really should have. In fact, there were 100 students who signed a petition to have this endowment negated because they were awarding someone who was successful in a career absolutely unrelated to the school. My take is that honorary degrees have been awarded that way forever although surely there were people who did get honored who were successful in a field at least somewhat in coordination with that college’s values. Still, many have been awarded with honorary degrees just for the honor alone. To me, if that person has positively touched many people’s lives, what’s wrong with rewarding them with something worthwhile? And it wasn’t like Sinatra didn’t feel regret for not going to college. His dad was trying to goad him towards schools like Stevens but when Frankie decided to develop his golden pipes instead, his dad was crushed. That really bothered Sinatra and he had long jumped at a chance to make good with schools like that. He got his chance.

The trouble began when Garry Trudeau, the longtime cartoonist for Doonesbury and an even longer Sinatra critic, viciously ridiculed the idea. What didn’t help Sinatra was a run-in he had with a blackjack dealer at a casino in Nevada. Talk about a wolf attacking a deer with two legs broken. Trudeau went in for the kill. His book “That’s Doctor Sinatra To You, You Little Bimbo!!!!!!” was another of collected strips, mainly focusing on the satire and controversy surrounding Sinatra’s run-in. For a collection of recycled comic strips (sell well but are never best sellers) , this one sold out the wazoo. Sinatra, not surprisingly, was furious and let the media know it. Nobody BUT NOBODY made Frankie a buffoon. You didn’t ask them to share a booth and eat Bucket Clam Chowder for old times sake. One of them might not have left the booth alive.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kaz Awarded Honorary Doctorate From Milford Community College School Of Auto Mechanics!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“MCC Chancellor: ‘We were delighted to present Doctor Kaz with a Golden Wrench, a Key to the School of Auto Mechanics garage, and lifetime free oil changes at Milford Grease Monkey.”

Oooooookkkkkk, so some of you smart alecks think you know storyline plots???? Well, we’ll see. This was a recent Gomer Pyle episode and YOU have to predict what happened at the end of the show

Gomer Pyle, while out on a platoon hike, found a skunk that took a liking to him, like all animals seemed to do. Of course, Sergeant Carter hated the whole thing and ordered Gomer to get rid of it ASAP. What complicated matters was Gomer pointing out that the skunk had a face like his Uncle Ralph, hence Ralph the Skunk. Anyway, what happened in the end?

A) Sergeant Carter and Duke Slater stuck it in Frankie’s suitcase and the Reno Public Gaming Casino crowd had to evacuate the building, renaming the animal Bimbo the Skunk.

B) After Sergeant Whipple, Carter’s bitter enemy, sabotages Carter’s platoon’s inspections by dumping garbage on their turf and unfastening military backpacks (everything has to be snapped shut) . Gomer fixes Whipple’s wagon by sneaking Ralph into the latter’s platoon. The men from that platoon panic and race out the building, dressed or undressed, ill-prepared for inspection right as the colonel shows up for that very thing.

C) Luke Loser sticks it in Gil’s house in the ventilation ducts and this eventually finishes off Heehaw who was over for a Scones & Tea Fellowship. Mimi finally files for divorce, citing “irreconcilable differences.”

D) Tobe sticks Ralph in the fire and Darius, already a tad intoxicated, is sent to Milford General after being nearly asphyxiated. “I thought Coach Thorp’s breath was bad when he was yelling at me to run ten laps for digging it.”

P1 is so full of dog poop, it can’t tell Kaz at Milford from Kaz as Luke’s Flunky at Valley Tech.

Assuming that’s Tobe and Darius going at half-speed, if the party-bonfire-orgy-(fill in the blank) was Saturday and if Darius was a bit tipsy (could make a strong case) , you wouldn’t recover ON MONDAY. Two days to escape the throes of the sauce???? That must have been a heckuva hangover. What was he drinking, Jack and Glidden Paint Thinner? And as Frank mentioned, NOBODY talks in the ranks, let alone use practice to speed up the sobering practice. If that were true, Marty Moon could expedite his whiskey binge by simply getting on the putting greens and practicing putting for dough every time. Gil could cure his addiction to Beth the Bartender by scheduling more Kiddie Golf Clinics at Milford Country Club. That’s right, Susie, hiccup, hold the club at the rubber end. And, burp, line up the putt before you stroke. Thanks, Coach. Isn’t your AA meeting now?

Why were we not surprised to see Bimbo Kaz come in and strut his stuff? He had mentioned that he was jumping ship to go to Valley Tech. Personally, it was the equivalent of Bob Knight announcing he was stepping down as Indiana’s Basketball coach to be the Lead Sanitation Engineer at Purdue but sometimes I guess ya gotta do what ya gotta do. But I bet we were at least expecting ol’ Bimbo to stick out the last basketball season. When we saw Coach Ochoa (SOMEBODY’S doing some coaching in the Milford gym, I see) with more increased duties and in charge of drills like Double Basketball Dribbling And Choose Which One Has A Better Chance At Nothing But Nylon and Beach Ball Block Outs, I knew that it was just a matter of time.

The consolation prize is that Bimbo Kaz won’t have to worry about Bonfire Patrol or Cafeteria Table Monitoring. Hey, everybody should want to advance up the chain.

At Milford Gaming Casinos

“That’s DOCTOR Pearl to you!!!!!!!!”

“Yes, Doctor Pearl. Would you like another card?”

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Bestowed With Honorary Degree From Indiana University School Of Music!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We felt that he needed to be honored for something, given his track record in coaching. We didn’t want his existence to go for nought.”

The crux of the Trudeau work I mentioned essentially centered around the incident Sinatra had at that casino. Though I understand why Sinatra was upset, I have to admit the story arc about him was funny. The blackjack dealer is about to shuffle the cards, according to house rules, when Sinatra would have none of it. Already irate that the dealer called Frankie “Mr. Sinatra” instead of “DOCTOR Sinatra” (“That’s DOCTOR Sinatra, you little bimbo!!!!!!” “Yes, Doctor Sinatra, would you like another card?”) , Frankie wants the dealer to just deal. The dealer, holding her ground, finally is confronted by her manager. The manager, though she was instructed to shuffle, no exceptions, finally gave her a stern lecture that Frank Sinatra IS ABOVE ANY HOUSE RULES OR just plain rules. Boy, doesn’t that describe another familiar person that we all know here in Milford. But I won’t name names. It isn’t Kaz. He’s bailing out and bound for Valley Tech, remember? Oh, he has to serve as a parole officer for all the Milford punks in the area but c’mon, Bimbo Kaz as a correctional officer for Milford Minimum Youth Facilty? Who’d lick Luke’s wingtips if Coach Kim decided to accept a coaching job at a Mid-America Conference university?

And P2 is just confirming what I just pointed out in the last paragraph. Hey, you bimbos, that’s COACH Thorp to you and I don’t care who you drank with or got it on with at this illegal illicit orgy that was on Tiki Jensen’s property, no gossiping and THAT’S FINAL. We have an image around to protect. Don’t make me FWEET again or you’ll be running laps around the roulette wheel table. Again.

We almost buy into Bimbo Thorp FINALLY taking charge but nooooooooo, Kaz announces to the world why we’ve seen more of Coach Ochoa at Hot Potato/Beach Ball Drill than The Man with The Golden Earring. Great, Norman Dale is telling the Hickory Huskers to stop gossiping and focus on the game film on Oolitic and we want to believe that justice has been restored but then Mary Worth shows up right behind Jimmy Chitwood at the meeting to remove Coach Dale of his duties. I play, Coach stays. He goes, you’ll have to read Mary Worth and her tripe in the Hickory Gazette forever.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Croupier Removed At Milford Gaming Casino Due To Rumored Controversial Incident!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Thorp alleged to have caught him using a Zippo lighter on the marbles before rolling on the roulette wheel.”

“That’s COACH Thorp to you, you little bimbo!!!!!!!”

“Yes, Coach Thorp. Do you want them to run the Beach Ball Tip drill again? Luhm is about to close up.”

And what is this about gossip ANYWAY???? Like Tobe and Darius are Elviney and Loweezey at the gossip fence. Yeah, they’re talking in the ranks but that’s what making the culprits run laps is for. FWEET that whistle and shut up, Coach. I’m still having problems with these weekend hangover recoveries and the gym is spinning in front of you, and has been I reckon for a week, but let’s not make it worse when you’re taking charge about as forceful as Heehaw. No talking in the ranks. And sit up straight. And eat all your vegetables, there’s starving kids at Valley Modified that would line up for carrot crumbs off the table. And brush your teeth. Don’t forget to clean behind the molars.

Thus beginneth the Basketball season.

“Listen, don’t you understand???? Coach Thorp is above any House Rules. He’s just above the rules PERIOD!!!!! Do you comprende?”

“But sir, you said that we were to put only one egg in the Bucket Shake, no exceptions.”

If ya go ta tha crap tables and ya sneak in yore dice that ya had hangin’ in yore auto-mo-beel ta git a better advan-tidge so’s ya kin git big money ta pay off the mort-gidge at yore trailer park, ya might be a redneck.

Trudeau couldn’t let it die and continued his vitriol by accusing Sinatra of being with The Mob. Personally, I thought it was painfully obvious that he was but in all the bios I have read about him, and believe me, the authors had several different perspectives, the common thread was, while it was true, he never let it interfere with his persona.

Frankie was Frankie. At a party, NOBODY left until Frankie left. And Frankie could be unforgiving, as Peter Lawford discovered. Once, when JFK was in his presidential run, Lawford, married to Patricia, JFK’s younger sister, had arranged for JFK to visit with Sinatra at his place. A heli-pad was built to accommodate JFK to land in on Sinatra’s property. At the last minute, JFK was advised to scrap the visit due to Sinatra’s ties with The Mob. When Lawford refused to intervene for Sinatra, the latter went ballistic. No man unwilling to stand up for Frankie deserved to be in The Rat Pack (Sinatra, Lawford, Sammy Davis, Jr., Joey Bishop, and Dean Martin) , let alone be at his parties. Sinatra shunned him the rest of their lives.

And Sinatra virtually destroyed the heli-pad out of white-heat anger. He was not a happy camper.

STILL, love him or hate him (I choose the former) , Frankie was an excellent performer. He had major influence and people knew it. I have to give him credit for finding his peace with God over the honorary doctorate. While Trudeau was funny, I still think Frankie made his mark in the world and did it His Way. Sounds like America to me.

Gee, if only we could get the same out of Gil. This has to be the lamest send-off, even by Thorpiversean standards. Oh, ho hum, you’re leaving, Kaz? Did you leave the keys on my desk? Did you clean out YOUR desk? Oh, and don’t forget to put those volleyballs back in the rack that you have hidden in your back seat. Say hello to all the punks down at the rec hall. And tell Luke that I’ll win the grudge match and I don’t mean with Herk the Mauler.

That’s MISTER Herk the Mauler to you, Gil.

“We’ll return after these messages to see if Bimbo Kaz signs a lifetime contract with Milford Minimum Security Facility and consequently informs Luke Loser to go find another yes man to pay for all of Luke Loser’s Diet Cokes out of the machines. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“I once asked Frankie for a date. I was at one of his concerts at Milford Gaming Casino Royal Concert Hall and thoroughly enjoyed his singing ‘In The Wee Small Hours’ and ‘New York New York’. It was a tight squeeze sitting in four chairbacks for this 674-pound More to Love but when Love was in the air, it could carry a Boeing 747 that’s in estrus and still get the passengers safely off at the emergency gate.

Greetings, this is Mabel Ruth Pearl and when I crashed through the plywood when I tried to get a kiss from ol’ Blue Eyes, it was time to face facts. I had lost Coach Kaz to some lizard whose tongue is worse than his hat. I wasn’t about to swing and miss again. That’s why I went to Milford Liposuction Academy to take advantage of their $250 Off To Get 250 Pounds Off So I could seduce the dreamboat of my life into my living abode but not in my pants. I have standards, you know.

The paperwork at The Academy was a cinch to fill out. When I told them I flunked out of kindergarten because I was too obese to sit in a children’s seat, the staff replied ‘No worries’. We’ve accepted 600-pound chunks of lead that had gave Lizzie Borden herself 40 whacks that were about to die in the chair. You have a clean slate here. That was grandiose to know.

I was led on a wheelchair with steel-belted radials into the surgery room and promptly put to sleep. They had my person injected with several wires and tubes. I wasn’t concerned even when one was, or so they informed me, connected to the shower stall head. Cleanliness is next to Godliness and knowing that I could get a shower even when I was getting COVID-19 and measles and mumps and polio and chicken pox and rabies and malaria and herpes vaccines. I had peace of mind with the reassurance I wasn’t going to catch pneumonia while receiving a shot to prevent The Plague.

I was in La La Land but I could still feel the weight being liberated from my corpular structure. I was dancing with Coach Kaz at Studio 309 in Milford’s Entertainment District to The Trampps’ ‘Disco Inferno’. I knew it was time to wake up when Coach Kaz tripped on his funky leather boots that matched his earrings and Coach Luhm nudged me for the next dance. It was the nurse’s aide telling me the procedure was over.

The results were astounding. I could stand up and not cause a tremor on the Richter Scale. I was sashaying around the room and kissing the doctor even though he really wasn’t Blue Eyes or Kaz. The doctor’s lips felt like a steel-belted radial but otherwise he did a magnanimous performance, jettisoning the weight that had so easily beset me. I could go through the turnstiles at another Frankie concert and not have to be airlifted into the stadium. Now I know what a stray cow endures.

Now do tell me, what do you have to lose but poundage? And you have everything to gain including $250. Come to Milford Liposuction Academy and lose your own burdens and not have to take up two handicapped spaces in the parking lot. Getting wired up to the commode handle never felt better.”

That’s DOCTOR T DREW Hardin to you, you bimbos!!!!!!!! I attended Milford Community College School of Recreational Sports Doctoral Program. One year, I got a job as Bowling Ball Distributor at Milford Lanes. I’ve paid my dues.

But God bless you anyway, Gang.

“Start spreadin’ the newwwwwssss-“

“What’s that, Kaz?”

“That’s Coach Kaz to you, you little bimbos!!!!!! And it’s Music Therapy Hour!!!!!!! Just sit there and enjoy it, you punks.”

”You don’t have to shuffle the cards DEAL!!!!!!!!”

“Gil, we’re playing Uno.”

January 5, 2023

“…Sputter, Splat, Steal, Squirt, Scrape,…”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:01 pm


This silly plot’s a-peein’

Our senses in a bubble

And we just keep disagreein’

We get a feeling in our hearts that needs prescribed

It’s sort of dumb, bum, crum, numb

A sound from the strip, not worthy to describe

It’s sort of zoom, zip, hiccup, drip

Flop, flap, crunch, crack

Barf, pewwww, whine, quack

I mean, how do you STEAL so that you can hear the sound when you’re getting pickpocketed? For those of you unfamiliar with the word “onomatopoeia”, it’s a word whose examples are often literary devices. The word itself means a word created from a particular sound it makes. Like “buzz”. Or “quack”. Or “tweet”. I have often heard birds in the night, when I’m running trips for my dad, like “bob-WHITE” or “Whip-poor-WILL”.

My inspiration for today’s post comes from Todd Rundgren’s vintage “Hermit of Mink Hollow”. I have loved that whole album since I was knee-high to Jami when he was in preschool (not when he’s currently in D & D Round Robin Tournaments) and especially “Onomatopoeia”. When I read that supposed “the author really meant to say ‘buzz’ when the Forest View ape got the beach ball picked clean’, I struck while the iron QUACKED.

Thorpiverse is leaving himself wide open today. Oh, let me count the bob-WHITES. First off, that has to be the lamest trash talk I have ever heard. King Kong Bundy who could use a little Ultra Slim-Fast trying to emulate Wilt Chamberlain. I don’t know which is going to sink to the pits of The Bucket Clam Chowder pot broiler first, the ‘62 Mets or this basketball plot. Bob Knight had a long-standing feud with Dale Brown, the great LSU Men’s Basketball coach. Once, when asked by the reporters about the upcoming season, Knight replied “I was overwhelmed with the great opponents and told my team we have work to do. Then I saw Dale Brown’s name and I went to go get a cup of coffee.” Really, King Klunk, if you’re going to garbage-speak to the rack, pull up your britches and stop sounding like Homer Simpson’s dad. Or go get a cup of coffee yourself once you go back to the bench. There’s the old story about a baseball player who was long in years getting heckled by a fan, calling him a “has-been”. The player shot back “Better a has-been than a never-was”. King Klunk, you’re a “never-will-be”. Sit down.

What’s up with these colors???? Barf Blue???? Terrible Teal???? Light Gangrenous Green???? I wouldn’t even go Carolina Blue on this one, something that’s been the bail-out color as of late. When you couldn’t find the colors for persimmon pink or crab’s testicles red under the writing desk because the janitor didn’t read the instructions (“Please don’t throw away. I actually use them, especially for the interior decor for Gil’s kitchen and living room”) , there was always Carolina Blue to save the day. And it could be liberally applied. Gil’s commode. Heehaw’s face, either when she’s on her deathbed or she’s huffin’ and puffin’ on the Milford Adult Center Weight Room exercise bike. Hostess Twinkies in the school cafeteria. Heck, who’s noticing, they’re watching Chance Macy make a King Klunk out of himself on the cafeteria table anyway. Shoot, I bet Dr. Pearl dyes her beehive in that color. But today, Stale Blueberry Pop Tart Blue is the bill of fare. Boy, doesn’t King Klunk just intimidate you with his smack and choice of uniform? Damn, I dropped my Barf Brown Cinnamon Pop Tart.

Larry Bird was king of the trash talk and he talked it with the best of them. Once, in a Celtic blowout of an opponent on their turf, Bird is just blistering their nets. After bombing one in the corner out of nowhere to add to the opponent’s misery, Bird flies by their bench and shoots out “Coach, ain’t you got ANYBODY on your team that can guard me?” If you can back it up, as the old saying goes

“Don’t you have anybody that can stop me?”

“Just hand the Milford Police your keys and shut up, King Klunk. And take the Breathylyzer Test.”

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Rundgren’s Negotiating Team Possibly Close To A Pact With The Milford Choral Director For Upcoming Concert!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We feel we can get everybody on time, sopranos included, to the ‘All The Mudlarks Sing’ concert at Milford Outdoor Amphitheater after they’ve sung the National Anthem at Gil’s reserve game.”

And with all the BUZZ about this CRAP that just absolutely REEKS and BARFS and will more than likely SPUTTER down the road, something we need to SPIT out of our throats and let it WHIZ on by, we get a weak-ass of a Batman BAM in P1???? I’ll even settle for KLUNK. It would describe a lot of things in all three panels in one onomatopoeia phrase, mainly how this KLUNKer is BOMBING out.

Personally, I really can’t see Batman and The Conehead (geez, what does his gang look like?) going at each other with a BAM or POW or THWANG or KAPOW, either in The Conehead’s hideout (that he shares with The Joker) or on the basketball court today. The Conehead tell Batman he has less game than Monopoly? That they be callin’ Batman “Unlucky Hunter” because Batman’s got no game? They be callin’ Batman “Broken Vacuum Cleaner” cuz he be suckin’ pretty bad? Danny Ainge once said about Greg Kite when they were with the ‘84 Celtics “They call him The Maytag Man. He never gets called to work.” Yeah, that’s right, Conehead. Batman is The Maytag Man. He rides the pine when he’s not rescuing Robin from The Penguin’s Venus fly-trap. Whatever.

Moreover, that has got to be the worst backdown job I’ve ever observed. Man, Shaq’s grandma could move ‘em down better than Yul’s great-grandson is doing on the Mudlark in P1. He couldn’t back down The Penguin with that anemic BAM that apparently is the Noise du Jour at this moment. Heehaw could do a better backdown performance on Dr. Pearl. Without her cane. Sad.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Denies Any Implications When Singing ‘You Cried Wolf’ For Rundgren’s Upcoming ‘All The Mudlarks Sing’ Concert At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Mimi and I have had issues under the sheets but I’m not about to blow the whistle yet.”

We approach the crux of this whole post, ol’ Klunkhead getting STOLEN from the Mudlark defender. Lordy, it’s bad enough that Spudtop really has barely more game than Old Maid and he trash talks on the same nivel as Edith Bunker but do we really have to get exposed to the most unsightliest crotch shot this side of the Gateway Arch? If that’s not a sack of potatoes wrapped up in somebody’s Milford 5 & 10 gym trunks, we’re in jeopardy.

Then the STEAL comes into play. Again, I’m raiding the vaults because this is apropos, IMO. Sergeant Carter once caught Gomer Pyle slacking off on some chore and Sergeant Carter rings him out, exhorting that Gomer is STEALING, STEALING (exact words) from Uncle Sam. Gomer takes this to heart so much that when the soldiers are lining up one day at the pay table to get their pay, Gomer hands back a 20 or two to the bewildered pay officials.

“Pyle!!!!!! You are STEALING, STEALING!!!!!!”

“Shazam, Coach Thorp, but that was the winning layup.”

I’m aware that Thorpiverse is trying to be innovative but NOBODY makes a STEALING sound. There’d be more idiots behind bars at Milford Maximum Correctional Facility eating the same crummy chow with Mr. Bader if that were the case. Mimi did not STEAL that Bubble Yum for her kids and stick it in the People Magazine that she impulse-bought at Milford Wal-Mart. Marty Moon did not STEAL that bottle of Jack Daniels from Milford Beverage Warehouse and sneak it up in the broadcast booth shortly before game time. Gil did not STEAL Kaz’s boxer shorts so he wouldn’t get knocked down for crotch odor when Dr. Pearl executed the teacher evaluations. Milford has STOLEN several wins courtesy of the Homer referees who STOLE away to their cars to avoid a lynching from the New Thayer crowd or Goshen crowd but both made as much noise as Gil’s sex life. Quiet as a mouse.


“Folks, we’re taking Dungeons & Dragons a bit too seriously. Time for bed.”

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Rundgren Camp Deny Personal Allegations From Album In Light Of Upcoming Concert!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Rundgren Spokesperson: ‘’Bag Lady’ was by no means intended for any references to Miss Heehaw’s living status at Milford Adult Center.’”

All the children sing

All the birds are chirping harmony

The scent of love is in the air

Sunset all to seeeeeeee

The Angel of The Lord

Just declared plot’s not worth a thinggggggggg…

Todd, that song will give me a rush forever

Then I want to know what happened to this Gruesome Twosome that was announcing at Milford Football games? Marty is back by his lonesome? Not that snakes are really great company, be it in the broadcast booth or in the front passenger seat when you’re driving on vacation to Yellowstone but it’s still posing more questions than answers for me.

Was there a “Truth or Consequences” episode filmed in Milford and Bob Barker was taking a break as an emcee to hook up with Moon? I really couldn’t see Marty returning the favor and co-hosting on Bob’s Show. Like, what would Marty do, tell the joke that determines whether the contestants will have to participate in some quirky competition to get $50?

“Okay, here’s the joke. What’s the difference between Gil’s breath and the basketball plot?”



“Time’s up. Gil can always go back to the restaurant and retrieve the peppermint candy he forgot when he was paying at the cashier’s desk. Now, since you didn’t tell the truth, you’ll have to pay the consequences…”

Anyone really honestly picturing Marty there? Didn’t think so.

What’s Marty going to do, co-host with Bob on The Price is Right?

“Betty Buttrucker, COME ON DOWN, you’re the next contestant on The Price is Right!!!!!!”


Therefore, Marty will have to go it alone when he is announcing “Loose Ball” or “Three-Point Play” or “You need to go back to Official’s School, Homer” or “Gil should be getting his Gemology Degree any day now. The team will finally obtain a real coach” or “Homer nailed King Klunk with a T for Excessive Crack Exposure” or “Mimi told Vic Doucette that the day he returns to the mike, Hell and WDIG will both freeze over” or “time out on the floor”. But Marty’s a big boy. He doesn’t need Dickie V. or Vickie D. as a crutch.

Dr. Pearl in her office, her 1911 Scratch ‘n’ Play scratching out Todd Rundgren’s “Fade Away”


“Ms. Rizk, the donuts in the faculty lounge WERE getting stale.”


“What was that, Your Highness?”

“No clue, Coach Kim. Gil’s been calling and singing like that since I beat his butt the other day.”

For goodness sakes, as the overwhelming majority have pointed out at the Gil Go Comics site, nobody in the history of high school, college, or pro broadcasting says “At the end of the fourth quarter”. And granted, men’s college hoops play twenty-minute halves but even then you’d get blackballed off the broadcaster’s list if you said “At the end of the second half”. Baby, that’s when THE GAME ENDS. Even if it’s a tie, we just move on. We go to OT if one team doesn’t have more points than the other.

And I’m sorry, I have a credibility issue with King Klunk getting his jockstrap picked clean and then shortly thereafter Toby drains a three, as if he’s the Second Coming of Reggie Miller. And usually if the loser gets STOLEN from, it normally leads to a 3-on-2 or 2-on-1 break at the other end. The Mudlark STEALS the ball, throws the outlet pass, then John Mengelt or Greg Kite BOMBS one from the popcorn stand? Mengelt (Rob is going to kill me…) has had more floor burns and missed tackles than 3-point rainbows (pardon the pun) emanating out of the men’s room stemming from a fast break. Nobody in feeder league basketball teaches kids to shoot 3-point layups on a break down the floor. Maybe Gil does but he’s the one scheduling all these Pro Wrestling brutes that wear Forest View Barf Light Chartreuse on their uniforms. Definitely consider the source on this one.

“That’s the end of the fourth quarter, with the score, Milford, 77, Forest View, 64. We are still calling the State Athletic Associatiin to make sure they did pass the resolution that the fourth quarter does indicate the end of the game. We’ll be back for a final ruling after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“My heart was broken when I found out that Coach Kaz was leaving us to be a lifetime assistant over at Valley Tech. I know he enjoys being a yes man because he was a big-time butt-kisser here. I only wish he would have kissed mine. You know how horny us women get.
Since he won’t be around to savor my chiseled sexy body, I had to explore viable alternatives. Greetings, this is Mabel Ruth Pearl and I cried night and day because Coach Kaz wouldn’t appreciate a 537-pound woman if one slam-dunked on him in the paint. It was up to me to pursue the Stairway to Heaven if I wanted to ride off into the sunset with more than Tonto’s horse.

Was I ever in luck. Milford Christian Singles Match Made in Heaven & Sons was just the ticket for my long-suffering days of sleeping in bed with my 1951 Edition Raggedy Ann doll. I sent in my information and made it very clear that I didn’t want anybody claiming the Pope or Billy Graham at the altar, then trying to get into my Levi’s after the Plan of Salvation was thoroughly explained. They wrote back in a courteous and professional manner and assured me that nobody had any plans of statutory rape or even close to the crime. They used “Nobody would ever commit a felony with a baboon” as an excellent rule of thumb.

This endowed me with a generous amount of assurance when I went on my date. He was a Methodist by trade and seemed like a nice chap. We went for a hike at Milford Fish & Wildlife Area and took the Easy 1-Mile Hike to explore the wonders of nature. It would have been a romantic evening for the ages if the footbridge hadn’t have collapsed. Even if I wonder why they don’t make those elm bridge supports with a higher factor of safety in terms of weight, we still had a marvelous time. I took all the back seat in his car but that protected me in case he tried to make a move.

The next week, lo and behold, Milford Christian Singles managed to track down on their computer another catch, straight out of the sea. He was desperate after his wife dumped him for a Valley Conference Basketball Referee so I was his damsel-in-waiting. He was a Wesleyan and a member of his church’s Finance Committee. He even showed me the books while we ordered. I was fascinated at his faith in Christ and he even drank the Chablis because, well, Jesus drank wine. Now if he could only transform my corpulent structure into a body like Keri, me and my date could trip the night fantastic and I wouldn’t trip over the “Wet Floor” sign.

They also put me in the Miracle of Life promo that they have. If the date says yes, he pays for everything and you get a week’s stay at the Milford Marriott with live entertainment with Kiss and the Marshall Tucker Band guaranteed to hit the stage. And oh, the all you can eat buffet with lobster and T-bone. As soon as my date calls, I will be there with my Levi’s on. Milford Christian Singles reassured me that they actually return the call from time to time. That’s the beauty of the promotion. I can’t wait.

Hey, Coach Kaz will find out he’s not the only game in town. With Milford Christian Singles Match Made in Heaven in my corner, this sexpot can have her pick of the litter while Coach Kaz can go dump his litter in Luke Loser’s waste basket. Come indulge in the wonders of Love and still call yourself religious at the one place where you will keep your pants on once you’ve left the office. May God bless them.”

I disagree, Gang. That isn’t Westworld in P1. Yul Brynner was shooting a gun, not a basketball. And he didn’t display that ugly gut. Somebody needs Weight Watchers pronto.

But God bless you, Gang.

At Milford High School Payroll Office

“Did Coach Thorp just hand back his paycheck?”

“Yeah. I heard him mutter that he’s been STEALING STEALING for 60 years.”

At the Thorp household one late night

“Come on, Woman. Like Todd sings, show me some Determination.”

“You should talk. I don’t see any from the lower end.”

“…snort, snuf, steal, sniff, smack,

honk, hoot, Gil, hack, belch…”

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