Oh, I Get It, She Didn’t Cold-Cock The Madison Player With A Butter Knife.

I was having a hard time deciphering where they were the other day but as this farce was starting to come together, contradiction in terms that might be, I looked at the Mandarin Chinese on the wall and saw Dr. Pearl’s name scribbled in amongst Mao’s exhortations to the Communist Party. The detention sentence today sealed the deal on where things are going because we already know where THEY are going and it’s not that one place with the initials VM.

I liked what Frank and Hitorque pointed out, nobody, but NOBODY, gets detention for what they do or did on the athletic venue. Evidently, Thorpiverse has forgotten that high sports are, um, er, uh, extracurricular activities so participation is optional. Nobody has ever received in-school suspension for not going out for the golf team. Not that punishment isn’t in order, just who is meting out the punishment is the issue. What’s next, Dr. Pearl slapping Coach Knight on the wrist for the chair-throwing incident? Nullify his shoe contract because he cold-cocked Coach Keady with a butter knife because the Indiana-Purdue game got out of hand? Send his son, Pat, to a corner because he pistol-whipped Ed Hightower because the latter got the block/charge call wrong? Troy Lewis, a Purdue standout in the late ‘80’s, dropped Indiana as an option during his recruitment when Coach Knight used profanity in front of Lewis’ mother. Oh, I can see Dr. Pearl hot on the trail of this one

“Gil, Inma’s parents are upset because Coach Knight utilized the F-word at their dinner date. Mr. Knight will not be allowed to travel with you on your trip to Korea.”

“But we need him!!!!! This Seoul center is the second coming of Magnus Pelkowski!!!! Coach Knight even paid the tab on an interpreter!!!!!”

Then the coup-de-grace is when Tom and Jerry leave detention (we think) and come to a detente. I’m sorry, I just can’t see a cat that made a cartoon smorgasbord out of chasing a mouse suddenly get out his Bic and sign a peace treaty. Like, what, I resolve to stop pursuing you to the ends of the living room? I won’t set mouse traps by the refrigerator next to the Kraft Singles???? We’re going to get along great now that I kicked Huckleberry Hound in the crotch and showed that Madison wussy my lethal right. Match made in Heaven.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp And Luke Loser To Sign Tentative Agreement!!!!!!!!! Official Ceremony Commences At Noon Today In Milford High School Gym!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“They will agree to disagree about travel expenditures to Hokkaido.”

Then I wonder what Keri is implying while they are engaged in their little tête-à-tête under the mutant poplars

“You’re just a sniveling bitch and I’m kinda sorta glad I gave you the business back when the editor noted said brawl by that asterisk cuz I ain’t got a clue when it happened, just long after the Yalta Conference but well before the 2025 World Series. Besides, you don’t know how to put up your dukes because it might mess up your hairdo you recently received at Milford Beauty Salon. Lord knows what it might have done to your nails after you painted them the school colors. Chipped Mudlark Red just don’t look right. The point is, you’re a wussy and SOMEBODY needed to fight for you because you wouldn’t know the first thing about it.”

I’ll handle my own battles, thank you very much. Yeah, buddy.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Heartless Harper Late Fill-In To The Mixed Doubles Texas Death Match With Partner Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler And Maniac Mark Lewin!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford Coliseum will host this event scheduling The Moon Dogs & Dogettes as opponents.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office one lovely afternoon, Mountain’s “One Last Cold Kiss” playing gently from her dentures

“I’m afraid drastic measures will have to be implemented in this state of affairs, Ms. Rizk.”

“Because I said ‘damn’ in front of the students???? Try calling the Ricoh man and getting no response for a month.”

Awwwwwwww. This feel-good moment just makes me want to get up and defecate before I poop in my Levi’s. Not that I’m entirely buying into this abrupt change of heart. They were mud-slinging way back whenever the editor could recall when he was sober enough to accurately pinpoint the incident, now they’re Betty and Veronica. Oh, they’re still fighting over Archie Andrews but they’ll still hug and kiss and even put aside their food fights when playing the other team. I reckon that’s better than fighting over Jughead Jones but the way this crock of justice has been operating, I’d keep the possibilities open. It’s comforting to know that from now on whenever they step between the lines, there’ll be Hell to pay if anyone tries a pile driver on Ditzy Dotty.

Even then, I’m still skeptical. It’s pretty daggone corny to begin with, kinda like Lulu from Hee Haw overembracing That Girl and telling her that she is forgiven for remarking that Lulu eats from the same cafeteria line as Porky Pig and the rest of the ovine creatures. That Girl with a shiner from one of the sales ladies at Saks Fifth Avenue because That Girl defended Lulu and refused that sales lady’s orders for Lulu to use the service elevator as a changing room? This make take two episodes to sort out for proper length and sanity. I hope they have room for the ending when Lulu plants her lips on That Girl. Talk about cow lick.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Ditzy Dotty Defends Heartless Harper!!!!!!! Feels She Can Hold Her Own With Ole Anderson’s Daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I’ve never seen Ms. Anderson use a catcher’s mitt to knock an opponent out and require Milford General UrgentCare.”

“Ma’am, you’ve been suspended for a week. You can report to this golf course next week.”

“Because I used ‘horse poop’ in front of the chuck wagon’s owner’s mother???? What else can I say when I blow an easy putt?”

REX ALERT!!!!!!!!! REX ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Morgan is still AWOL but his daughter (presuming) is at the equivalent of Pop’s Choklit Shoppe which I presume again is in Glenwood. I think we have finally departed the ocean liner with Fred & Wilma last seen heading towards The Everglades or something to that effect (they didn’t look to be traveling in Wyoming that I could surmise) . I pray that they do have AAA’s number in case their car gets totaled colliding into an alligator and her babies crossing the road.
Mud Mountain Murphy has also been accounted for and might spend the night at one of Truck Tyler’s time share cabin in Tennessee. You hope to God that Truck left plenty of toilet paper in the bathroom or ol’ Mud might resort to the linen closet should he have one Nick’s Diner Root Beer Float too many. Dr. Rex might not be around to pump him clean should things get down to brass tacks.
We will report Dr. Morgan’s presence as soon as we hear anything. Patience is a virtue. In the meantime, enjoy Crabgrass’s farting around trying to locate the ice cream truck. We couldn’t just get it out of the freezer as Mom Crabgrass suggested, that might put some comic strip artist out of work. Let’s have him feed his family by watching the Crabgrass kids stretch the Ice Cream Vehicle w/ An Attitude plot all summer long. Lord knows this might cut into their time to learn how to play baseball or softball.

And is that all Keri can say, Ditzy Dotty’s Faberge cologne doesn’t smell like Mud Mountain Murphy after he did a Pete Townshend rondo on “Them Muddy Boots”???? I mean, let’s not literally kiss and make up which what they’re practically doing here. Heartless Harper’s black eye can be seen from here to Valley Modified School and not even a butter knife could inflict this kind of malice on her face. She gave no quarter and looks like she got hit with the quarter section of a wombat. Oh but your Ralph Lauren Sensational Sweet Winesap is a perfume that belongs to the ages.

And don’t worry, Ditz. I have plenty of Band-Aids in the medicine cabinet.

“BTW, I know who shot Coach Shaw. My father told me when he was at the Go-Go Club at Coach Shaw’s concert.”

“Really, Ditzy Dotty? Who was it?”

“It was-“

“KERI!!!!!!!!!!! GET YOUR ASS IN THE CAR NOW!!!!!!!! YOU’RE IN BIG TROUBLE WHEN WE GET HOME!!!!!!!!!!!”

If ya hug yore partner after ya gave him a black eye over how yore gonna split the deer rub even tho ya both shot the big buck square in the eyes, ya might be a redneck.

Talk about a crock that stinks more than injustice. Mimi has been wallowing on the golf courses forever and has been a part of an undeveloped plot that is still in the rough draft stages and therefore really shouldn’t be surprised when Keri turned into Johnny Rourke and the rest of the Reckless bunch. What’s next, Keri set fire to all the papers in Dr. Pearl’s file cabinet like Rourje did in the movie? Is Jami going to date Stacy Prescott? Only Aiden Quinn can do a better job than Keri as far as being a renegade. Is she going to ride off with her dad at the end of the movie? I’ll choke if that Korean phenom does that instead.

Really, is Mimi going to get out the belt? Send her to her room without any Bucket Fries? No softball for a week? And as a couple of readers from Gil Thorp Go Comics have mentioned, Gil wasn’t in on the wrist-slapping session with Dr. Pearl this time. Did he and Rourke go back to Beth the Bartender? Oh God, no, not Reckless II: This Time Dr. Pearl is Mad and Not Just Going To Make Them Say I’m Sorry With a Smile Anymore.

My heart can’t take this.

Then there’s this advertisement I heard on the radio this week, promulgating to the world “Get hard, or you don’t pay.” No erection, no fee. What a deal. I sure hope I have my receipt somewhere in my wallet

At the Thorp household one Saturday afternoon

“BULL HOCKEY!!!!!!! I want to speak to the #%<!?*+= manager!!!!!!!! The ad said ‘No pump, no pay’!!!!!!! I couldn’t get up enough to hump a cot!!!!!!!! Somebody’s head is gonna be rollin’ before too long!!!!!!!!”

“Gil!!!!! Heehaw is taking her nap and the kids can hear you!!!! We’re trying to play Monopoly!!!! Now, Jami, how many hotels do you have on Park Place?”

“Now listen here!!!!!! I rubbed that cream all over my crotch and even under my pouches!!!!!!! Don’t tell me I might have missed a spot!!!!!! Do I look like the kind of guy that buys Preparation H and misapplies the cream to my Eustachian tubes???? What kind of an outfit do you run at Fluffmaster, Inc., anyway????”

“Mommy, he’s been cussing at the operator for about 20 minutes. Why is he so mad?”

“If he’d use those EREC-EXTRA TUF-3007 medications that I ordered from Milford Men’s Clinic, he wouldn’t be disturbing my mother by making a jackass out of himself.”

“Keri, listen here!!!!!! When Daddy spends his hard-earned money on things that are supposed to make Daddy happy, he expects to BE happy. And right now I’m pretty frickin’ upset that when I injected the serum in my back cheek, I was still flat by bedtime. When I want flat, I’ll buy some flapjacks!!!!!!”

“Gee, Keri, don’t you understand? If you buy a Barbie doll and Ken can’t go to bed because Mattel forgot to leave his wee wee screwed in, Barbie might as well tie the tubes.”

“That’s right, Jami!!!!!!!! It is only right that my manhood should be well-venerated and that flat tires belong in the junkyard, not at bedtime!!!!”

“Gil, it’s just that Heehaw needs to rest after a long day walking at Milford FWA. I don’t want her cranky when I serve her favorite dish, stewed meat loaf on a green pepper. It’s good roughage and will clean her out from here to El Segundo.”

“…and another thing. I got skin rash all over my pubic hairs!!!!! I thought you said there were no side effects!!!!!!!!”

“Mommy, what are pimples doing on Daddy’s butt? I thought you only got them on your face.”

“I’m going to give him a size 12 up his butt if he doesn’t open the door. Heehaw needs to take her Halley’s M-O so that that Betty Crocker Jalapeño Au Gratin Potatoes don’t get caught in her intestines again and we don’t have to have the EMT make her bend over so he can safely perform the Heimlich maneuver.”

“Mommy, Daddy said something about bending over but he was too rubbery to follow through. Is that what the song “Rubber Band Man” is all about?”

“Keri, Daddy will not be Gumby in bed!!!!!! Now you people at Fluffmaster said I could ride Pokey and like it or my money back!!!!!!! I can’t even get Pokey to lick the pimples off my butt!!!!!!!”

“I’m gonna get on the other line and tell that operator that if she don’t give us our money back that we’ll talk about the time the Fluffmaster CEO wrapped his legs around Grandma Heehaw for the biggest thrill of his life!!!!!!!!”

“JAMI DON’T YOU DARE!!!!!!!!! Gil!!!!!!!! Get off that phone NOW!!!!!!!!”

Heard off-stage

“And it was the Milford Gas & Electric CEO anyway.”

“I caved in and did what Mimi wanted. And did I super super energized!!!!!! WOW, Conan the Barbarian couldn’t have conquered any stronger and we’ve been ripping the bed sheets every night. If we have to go to Milford Bed & Bath to get new linens, then let The Games continue. Come get your own Gold Medal in Greco-Roman Wrestling only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, I still think Heartless Harper can escape The Sleeper Hold. Maniac Mark Lewin can’t apply that to EVERYBODY, I don’t care what you say. At least that’s what Gordon Soley said today in Milford Pro Wrestling Weekly.

God bless you anyway, Gang.

“Rex!!!!!! Don’t you dare put your legs around me!!!!!! What if your wife sees you?”

“Heehaw, everybody left the ship.”

This Is What Happens When You Play The Joker’s Gang For A Weekend Series.

Gang, I’m cuttin’ it short today, primarily because, really, what could you say about this ridiculous plot that reached new heights in absurdity?

Not that fights don’t happen, male or female. They do. I’ve seen my share of many and hey, I’ve been fortunate to never have swung a fist but I’m human and admit I’ve let my emotions get the better of me. That’s the risk you run in sports. Sometimes you lose your cool. I’ve done my share of losing it.

But what is Gil going to do, approach the Madison coach and tell him or her “I welcome failure”? That it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game? This strip has always carried that theme as a heavy backdrop and no one is more grateful than I.

Until today.

When the shoe is on the other foot, sportsmanship and failure-welcoming get flushed down the Port-o-Let and the Mudlarks start playing Rollerball. The only thing missing in today’s strip is Inma’s spiked gloves. Sure, don’t cold-cock us when Corinna Karenna bumps one of yours out of frustration but we can BAM!!! and POW!!!!! you and the rest of The Riddler’s troops when your fists start flying. That’s only fair.

And weren’t they trying to calm Keri when someone at Milford High was getting under Keri’s skin? Or anywhere close? But by gum, they say something about my mother, I’m swinging the Hillerich & Bradsby for purposes other than the ones at the plate.

And what galls me is that Keri should have been suspended when she waylaid that girl way back when and got wrist-slapped because Daddy was in Dr. Pearl’s office with Daddy’s girl. Don’t mess with my lassie, Pearl. Just make her do 100 sentences “I will not body-slam my enemy in the hallway” and call it a deal. And don’t you dare send her to Valley Modified where Butter Knife Boy a/k/a Mike Knappe is languishing in his Liberal Arts curriculum. That’s another can of worms we stashed away in your file cabinet, remember? It’s our little secret.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Dr. Pearl Really Lays Down The Law, Imposes Serious Consequences Concerning Recent Fracas!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford High spokesperson: ‘There will be several Mudlark Softball players who will assist Mr. Dr. Pearl in raking the grass this Saturday as a community project.’”

Gang, I’m ending this by remembering on Memorial Day the ones who paid The Ultimate Price for our country. Sometimes Freedom isn’t for free and these people can attest to that. Please take a Moment of Silence to bear in mind those that made the sacrifice so that Red White & Blue could fly proudly.

I would like to take the time to remember three Gentlemen very dear to my heart

Gabriel Feltner, Jr., my stepfather, who served in World War II in the U.S. Navy as part of the Pacific Theater. He saw intense combat, equivalent to two Iwo Jima’s. He received a VERY generous GI Bill package when he received his discharge.

Leonard Thomas Hardin, my grandfather, who served in World War I as a Cook and served in Europe, primarily France. He was at the ready 24/7 to defend our country and also keep Europe safe for Democracy.

John Lewis Hill, Sr., my grandfather, who served in the Civilian Conservation Corps. He wanted BADLY to enlist but was told his engineering skills were more needed. He oversaw the design and manufacture of heavy equipment such as tanks, airplanes, jeeps, artillery, etc.

Gang, where you can, take the time each day to thank a Veteran. I personally try to shake the hand of one Veteran a day but however you feel comfortable to do so is fine. BUT PLEASE DO IT. They need and deserve your support.

Lest we forget

God bless you all, Gang.

JPS* *Just Plain Sucks

Gee, I didn’t know what HBP meant until Thorpiverse was gracious enough to spell it out for the ignorant masses like myself. The baseball cognoscenti really have it made in the shade. Thank you for enlightening us because I personally thought it stood for Hamm’s a Big Problem.

Now that I’ve used Primal Scream Therapy to shake all the sarcasm out of my person, what was the purpose of listing an interpretation of this term in the first place? Okay, yeah, there’s no doubt there is somebody who has no clue what HBP means. Well and good. But this is a SPORTS strip (sometimes in name only) and the vast majority who read it are knowledgeable about sports and HBP is a “See Spot Run” concept to them. And the people who don’t know, well, the computer has opened up a world of information, thanks mainly to the Internet. You can look it up, as the famous saying goes.

I appreciate the gesture as the explanation is one of convenience and will help SOMEBODY unfamiliar with the term. What makes it somewhat hard to swallow is the context surrounding it. You’re getting Romper Room explanations in plots more byzantine than all those rooms in Umberto Eco’s “The Name of the Rose”. Gil might appear out of room #538 in your friendly neighborhood cathedral with a Sesame Street book explaining logarithms. Okay, kiddies, this book has nothing to do with logs anymore than dogmatic has anything to do with dogs. Don’t get Galileo’s Dogma and Lassie confused.

Then there’s the bombastic narration that’s making this patronizing tripe even worse. I took the privilege to take baseball for granted???? Huhhhhhhh?????? I can decipher James Russell Lowell prose better than this piece of doggerel flashing across the screen. If I wanted Milford characters to wax poetic, I would have checked out plenty of Nathaniel Hawthorne novelettes at the Milford Library Bookmobile that stops in front of Milford Foundry every Tuesday. Do not go gently into my catcher’s mitt. Throw where last Mimi’s ailanthus tree by the garage door bloomed. Oh, this is out of the cradle slowly a crock, no question. Gil is singing a song of himself because he’s full of what I can’t spell and it rhymes with mitt. And it isn’t spit but like hand grenades and horseshoes, close enough.

Gang, bear with me, I just found out a few moments ago that my great-nephew and his 4 x 800 Relay team in High School Boys Track qualified for State. I am obviously one proud great-uncle. But you know what? I couldn’t have done it without the support you have given me over the years. YOU make it happen. It’s YOUR victory as well as mine. Without your encouragement and advice, This Week in Milford ceases to exist. YOU are the reason we are here. I NEVER take any of you for granted. God bless you all.

Frank’s contributions are NEVER taken for granted also, especially his take on Crankshaft. Talk about horsing around while Rome is burning. This week just cranks it up to another ludicrous notch. At the beginning of the week, he’s got to go to the bathroom but has nothing to read when sitting on the john. Okay, I get it, we’ve all been there. But HOW LONG is he going to debate this issue because by my count, he’s pissing in his boxers looking for a stray Reader’s Digest. Is he going to go full poop on Saturday, lacking even a Popular Mechanics to draw from?

“Oh no, we potty train our dogs. That’s not their urine. Ol’ Cranky didn’t receive his mail-order ESPN magazine in time. The postal station manager said the computers were down.”

Then I started thinking. You KNOW Gil isn’t immune from these situations. I have an evil streak in me. Heh heh HEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHH

“Mimi!!!!!!!! I have to take a dump badddddd!!!!!! Where’s my Sports Illustrated????”

“Did you check the laundry room????”

“Why the #%*^+ would I look there???? How’d they get there????”

“Oh, I forgot to tell you. The cat pooped again and the kids didn’t change out the litter box because of the school play. And all the towels were in the wash.”

“That’s *+=#% swell!!!!! Now what am I going to do????”

“Here, my Better Homes & Garden has a lemon cake recipe written by Bob Knight. Enjoy.”

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Crankshaft Airlifted To Milford General After Tumultuous Event!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Mr. Crankshaft lost his Mud Mountain Murphy program and started experiencing bowel movement complications on his way to the stall.”

Gang, you Thorpiversean veterans surely remember when the radio (usually) announcer’s comments would show up neatly in a nice caption box in a corner. Berrill was way ahead of his time. That’s why I laugh every daggone time I see the “Play-By-Play By Zeus” commentary bursting in on the action. Who’s giving the descriptions next week, Thor???? I remember the well-respected Tom Sowell once talking about the time he taught at Howard University and some student said that he couldn’t understand why he flunked the exam. He studied for two hours. Sowell said he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry and proceeded to tell him that he spent two hours just prepping for lectures. Point well-taken. Anyway, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry when I see the caption balloon dangling from the panel edge. Like it’s hanging by a thread, anchored by the Goodyear Blimp. Is this another one of Charlie Brown’s kites that got tangled up by the foul pole? I can see it now

“Gil!!!!!! Get those Prince Valiant thought balloons away from Heehaw’s bed!!!! I’ll not have her watching him undress Mary Worth in his dreams!!!!”

Or

“Mr. Dr. Pearl!!!!!! Get your mind out of the gutter!!!!! My bridge club members can see what we do when we’re on vacation in our Winnebago!!!!!!”

Or

“Oh God, Francesca!!!!! Not when I’m eating my Chile con Arroz Sumergido en El Agua y La Cerveza!!!! Can’t you think about your surgery presentations another time?”

Who says this has to be confined to America?

“[Lim Tak-Shi!!!!!! He is just an exchange student!!!!! You can dream all you want of his pitching in Fenway but I paid for the textbooks, remember?]”

And last and certainly least, Coach Thorp, how many batters are you going to let Blind Man’s Rough plunk before you yank him for a pitcher that did get his eyes checked recently? No way did Coach Sparrow EVER go that far when some pitcher could find the batter’s helmets better than the strike zone when my nephew played ball. Lost pitchers and lost caption balloons, never a dull moment when Thorpiverse is on the mound.

At Milford FWA picnic grounds

“Mimi, I gotta pee pee bad!!!!!! Where’s the outhouse????”

“Gil, you’re out in Mother Nature. It’s one big toilet.”

“But I understand the outhouse has Penthouse next to the extra rolls of Bounty!!!!!!”

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Heehaw In Fair Condition!!!!!!!! Will Be Transferred Out Of ICU This Week!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford Adult Care spokesperson: ‘She was obviously rattled when the hallway restroom lacked the necessary resources for perusing while relieving oneself. We put in a maintenance order for a magazine rack yesterday.’”

P2 is making absolutely no sense whatsoever. We went from knocking them on their butts in P1 to a bad Kodak Moment in the next panel. Let me assure you that when Coach Sparrow went out to the mound his first question wouldn’t have been “Was your dad a plagiarist? Because you’ve plunked half the lineup and you’re not finding the strike zone.” Then what would be the point of apologizing that your dad was Pretty Boy Floyd when your pitching is suckin’ pretty bad?

Again, no Coach worth his weight in Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Breakfast Blend would allow his pitching staff to send the majority of the other team’s batters to Milford Minor Emergency Care Clinic because a couple of the pitchers were cousins of Stevie Wonder. Then continue this inanity by asking if his dad is running around on his mom? Oh, that’ll explain why your Valley Conference ERA ballooned in the month of May. Ward Cleaver had those urges for Aunt Bea and therefore Beaver suddenly sucks at throwing a curve to complement his fastball. That makes sense.

Well, you better get your act together because Luke Loser just went overseas to recruit a mega-talent who evidently has a dad who only drops his Haggars at night for the one to which he said “I do” at the Seoul Justice of the Peace. You can’t afford to let your hair down. Or your ethics. Don’t be Luke only without the fetid goatee.

Yes, I realize family problems can affect a kid’s game. But let’s not make this a ridiculous soap opera. There’s a kid carrying some excess baggage and then there’s the Bronx Zoo. At least, I HOPE George Steinbrenner didn’t get to be a millionaire plagiarizing Ellery Queen magazines.

At Dr. Pearl’s domicile

“Honey Britches Sugar Lumpee Lumps Bumpee Bumps Tricky Ricky Icky Sicky Stinky Fink Lilac Lover, have you seen the National Geographic’s? I have diarrhea in the worst possible manner that plagues all mankind.”

“Look under the Breeze towels in the closet.”

If ya refuse ta do Nature’s duty at the FWA spider-web-infested outhouse without a copy of Guns & Ammo that’ll retro at least back to 2016, ya might be a redneck.

P2 also slightly reminds me of a Night Gallery painting. “The Messiah on Mott Street” comes to mind. This kid lives with his grandfather (played by the great Edward G. Robinson) who is dying to the point where he has one foot in the grave. This kid runs into a congenial black man (played by Yaphet Kotto-“Mr. Big” in the James Bond classic “Live and Let Die”.) of whom he manages to bring back to this old man’s flat. Somehow, this man manages to summon a great wind and eventually the old man not only recovers extremely well, to the consternation of his doctor, but obtains solid financial footing thanks to a resettled old debt.

Were reality and fantasy to dance as adeptly in the world of Thorpiverse. But alas, reality got splatted like a bug by Jumpstart and fantasy went the way of Alfred Hitchcock’s monthly detective series that Crankshaft is currently reading after snaring it and still making it to the john before ol’ Cranky splatted all over the commode. I wouldn’t want Jumpstart using an old newspaper rag on Cranky’s crud.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Foundry And Local 814 Reaches Agreement!!!!! Contract Ratified, Ending Potential Strike!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Reading material was the linchpin. Management agreed to foot the bill for bathroom amenities in addition to contributing an extra .25/years of service to pension fund.”

Now let me get this straight. According to P3, the moral of this story is to hope to God your kismet is not in the hands of a father who wrote like John Updike because he wrote John Updike so that you don’t wind up like Ray Charles as a result but if discretion is the better part of valor, pitch as if Dutch Rennert was behind home plate because he’s consistent and be thankful because this may be the last time Dutch umpires because he may get a stroke and share the same bedroom with Heehaw and you may go blind and crazy when Homer the Umpire calls the balls and strikes behind home plate and you may be pitching your last if he doesn’t call the corners. I don’t know about you, but Aesop couldn’t sum it up any better.

Oh, and read Our Daily Bread so that a tornado can come in and raise Heehaw from the dead. You can’t overlook any detail.

REX ALERT!!!!!!!! REX ALERT!!!!!!!!!

Fred & Wilma have departed from Glenwood Across The Universe Tourlines and are momentarily comforted that Jack the Ripper was not in their trunk after Jack escaped the brig. How he escaped is another ridiculous narration for another time, although witnesses could have sworn some stranger with a hoodie was on his knees pleading with Mud Mountain Murphy for pocket change to indulge in tomato soup and crackers at the Glenwood Cruise Snack Bar & Grille. Plus a life preserver in case he needed to jump from the ship again. Mud wasn’t going to give back his old songs but did have a Truck Tyler 5 x 8 available. Truck and Rex must be at the same casino because neither has emerged since Clinton balanced the budget.

Sources have alleged that Rex was hiding in the bushes near the backstop and learning how a blind man can teach high school athletes how to throw on a dime. Rex was seen taking notes, then leaving in the direction of The Bucket. No word if he pulled into the drive-in area. Anybody who notices a Glenwood vanity plate is asked to call the Milford Police Tipline immediately. Your call will be confidential.

“Doesn’t all this Rex-searching make you hungry? I was reading where Mud Mountain Murphy was considering getting a vasectomy and that just got the juices flowing in my salivary glands. I didn’t want to leave my refrigerator devoid of the finest sausage east of the Allegheny Mountains when poring over the surgical procedures necessary to tie ol’ Mud’s tubes. I’ll bet Tennessee Pride wouldn’t know the first thing to catering a smorgasbord when ol’ Mud goes under the knife.

Hello, this is Coach Thorp for Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. Sometimes we get bored and so the excitement of watching Fred & Wilma traveling on the Florida Turnpike and then turning in at the end of the day at a sleazy motel abutting an alligator pit just brings out the finest in our pork products. Just listening to that bacon sizzle and crackle while John Walsh talks about the supposed whereabouts of Dr. Rex in the same venue as the Foque Monster is a match made in Heaven. Believe me, Gil Thorp Italian Spiced Duodenum Sensitive Bacon Strips is the perfect cuisine along with your favorite Kool-Aid when the Glenwood Missing Persons Bureau personnel track the woods in their quest to flag down this enigma wrapped in some raccoon hides because he is tired of raising bratty little snots. Man, the aroma.

But that doesn’t mean that Fred & Wilma are on the run. They know how to slide their Visa card if they want to enjoy the benefits of the motel towels they’ll stuff in the trunk at check-out time. And kibbutzing all this paraphernalia when you are microwaving Gil Thorp Sage ‘n’ Nasty patties is a wonderful combination, like throwing pepperoni on onions when ordering Domino’s delivery. Wash it down with a Schlitz and watching Fred battle his manhood as he goes under the sheets with Wilma or the mice is a meal extravaganza.

And if you really want to be in total ecstasy, check out Truck trying to hit on Melba after he just ordered the omelet. Hey, I like watching Crankshaft utilize his gold digger he uses in his yard because he’s too cheap to use his pocket changer but it’s even more entertaining when Cranky is literally full of poop endeavoring to read Chairman Mao’s Red Book while wiping his extremities and chowing on some Gil Thorp Pure Artesian Water Mild Sausage with scrambled eggs, toast, and a Bud. I’d like to see Tennessee Pride try to top that life-learning lesson. They can’t. They’re too busy coughing up enough to tip Melba at The Diner. I bet Truck Tyler is their accountant.

Folks, when you want the finest in sausage, you know where to go when you grow up. You can lick up the pieces Tennessee Pride loses when loading the box truck or you can score a winner with Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. I can tell you, we never received a citation for littering. Come pick ip a package today and see why. Your taste buds will be grateful and so will you.”

Gang, Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know which one is going to buzz by you when you’re blindfolded. I don’t know, I never wanted to find out.

God bless you anyway, Gang.

In the faculty lounge restroom

“Who brought all these Encyclopedia Brittanicas in here? There’s a bunch stacked by the hand blower.”

“Couldn’t be Kaz. He left a few months ago.”

FAME!!!!!!!! I’m Gonna Pitch Foreverrrrrr…

Baby, they look at me and tell me I can’t see

But they ain’t seen the best of me yet

Give me time, Korean phenom they’ll forget

I got more in me, this bad plot can set it free

I can catch the tripe in my hand, don’t you even understand

Remember my name

FAME!!!!!!!

I’m gonna pitch forever. This story will be on the fly [HIGH]
Nothing is coming together. People will watch this and cry [FAME]

Blast this way in the heavens. Light up the sky full of shame [GIL]
Please don’t continue forever

Baby, remember, it’s lame.

This makes no sense whatsoever. We are confronted with this Korean sensation that supposedly will put Valley Tech athletics on the map but not only do we not know how this Korean Kid did (although I assume he slammed the door or did excellent relief) but when Gil said he would go talk to Gregg Hamm, we were anticipating that he would catch Hamm working with the pitchers on a change-up.

Instead, Gregg is playing “Tea for Two” while Shorofsky took a lunch. We were expecting Shea Stadium but the taxi dropped us off at Tin Pan Alley. Like, does Thorpiverse really think we’re that stupid???? C’mon, T-verse, what in the name of Burt Bacharach does THIS have to do with Leo beating Syngman Rhee? Leo is going to mow down the Valley Tech Nine by memorizing “On a Bicycle Built for Two”?

Gil, if we wanted the stage troupe from “Fame!”, we would have watched the movie/TV show. There was this one episode where Danny auditions everywhere and gets nowhere but somehow stumbles upon this popular kids show, “Mr. Wacky”. Danny does so well off the cuff that Mr. Wacky hires him permanently, with the understanding that Danny is now Noodles on the show.

And everything is going great until one episode where Noodles is throwing baseballs at this lever connected to Mr. Wacky’s seat inside this dunking booth. And no matter how many balls Noodles throws at the lever, many of them on target to dunk Mr. Wacky, Noodles is the one getting showered with water while Mr. Wacky stays dry. Then Noodles improvises (wasn’t in the script, in other words. Lot of that going around) by running towards the lever and giving Mr. Wacky a thorough dunking. The look inside the glass of the dunking booth of Mr. Wacky in bewilderment says it all.
Once backstage, Mr. Wacky makes it clear to Noodles (Danny, remember) that only Noodles is to be the butt of the jokes. Mr. Wacky is the set-up man to that end, much to the reluctance of Noodles. Danny is understandably not crazy about he being the only one that will get pies thrown in his face.

Unfortunately, Gregg is the new Noodles. We were expecting a pitching coach but receiving a Bozo who plays like Victor Borge who gets Sara Lee Chocolate Crème’s thrust at his visage. Oh this is wacky without the Mister, fer sure, fer sure.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Gregg Hamm Steps Down From ‘Mister Gil’s Wacky World’ On WDIG-TV!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I can go over to Valley Tech and be the pitching coach without getting dunked in the booth. Gil will have to go find another loser to do his dirty work.”

The plotline is further going down the drain when Gregg is apparently too blind to recognize the keys on the piano. Gregg, I’m no concert pianist but even I know you don’t play “Fame!” on keys towards the high end of the instrument. It’s entertaining to watch women dance to a pitch equivalent to Alvin & The Chipmunks of Donna Summers’ “MacArthur Park”. The dental drill version of The Trampps’ “Disco Inferno”? Are you serious? We’re getting our chain jerked anyway; must it get jerked further by listening to some falsetto version of “Brown Sugar”? ELO’s Kelly Groucutt did a wonderful job as the falsetto backup for years. I just don’t think it works on “Won’t Get Fooled Again”.

And whaddup with the seat? You couldn’t even fit Gumby in that contraption. I guess if Gregg is blind, he doesn’t know better so Mother Nature cuts him some slack which is just as well. If his vision was 20/20, he’d fall on his ass. Boy, what logic around here. Tommy in a seat barely able to seat a raccoon, now that’s a story backdrop. Remind me to order one like that in case my vision goes he way of this plot.

REX ALERT!!!!!!!! REX ALERT!!!!!!

Rex and Gil are now in a Kentucky Derby horse race of their own and this may go nose-and-nose in a photo finish. Rex is still MIA after Mud Mountain Murphy explained his repentance but goes right around and bows to Dr. Moon even as Ravi Shankar escaped the brig and is somewhere on the boat, God knows where (pardon the pun) . The solution, of course, is for Fred & Wilma to sit on their asses for 3-4 more weeks until plot realization comes full circle. We will serenade you with “Them Muddy Boots” on Muzak while the investigation continues.

No truth to the rumors that Gil and Ravi Shankar are the same people. Gil has no clue how to play the sitar. Same with Rex. He may be pulling a Dr. Schweitzer on us in the jungles of Borneo to conquer herpes among the natives but he hasn’t committed a documented felony. Don’t jump to conclusions in the name of plot sanity. Take a powder and relax.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Gregg Hamm To No Longer Play The Fool And Walk Into The Dunking Booth On ‘Gil’s Wacky World’!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Somebody FINALLY shut the door.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office one day, with Head East’s “Ticket Back to Georgia” playing over the intercom

“Dr. Pearl, have you been on Mr. Wacky’s show lately?”

“No, Gil, I’m afraid I lost my footing in the faculty lounge during the End-of-Year Celebration.”

I am not EVEN going to try to interpret what the heck is being said in P2. First off, I have never EVER seen “What even” anywhere, comic strip, Herman Wouk novel, newspaper, Bible, Paul Harvey broadcasts, “60 Minutes”, interviews with Michael Jordan, etc., etc., etc. That word HAS to be “whatever” and there is no way you can convince me otherwise. Is this some esoteric phrase that only a few can interpret while the rest of us intellectually stunted sit and grovel with envy that some people possess intelligence somewhere between Dr. Spock and Jeffy from The Family Circus? Did Harrison Ford use this phrase in “American Graffiti” right about when he’s about to drag race Richie the C or Arthur Fonzarelli or What even was challenging him for drag racing bragging rights? “What even” sounds like something out of Hamlet

“What even thou hast done anon yea verily to slay my father

‘Twill vengeance wrought twice upongst Gil and Rex, where’re they what even ply their trade, fare ye well.”

Then FAMILY???? The blonde is a faint trace of Mimi and the other shot out of nowhere. Greg Brady assumes responsibility of the pitchers for Milford High School by playing “Nutcracker Suite” on a cheap Hammond organ while Marcia and Cindy and Alice the Maid cavort around the room???? What makes this worse, this was an interruption of that Korean Kook who was sent in by Luke Loser to save the day for VT Baseball. So we can only speculate that Pedro pissed in his pants while Korea Kid slammed the door that got shut off from civilization because Yogi Berra proved it ain’t over ‘til it’s over by continuing this travesty with a musical from “The Music Man” to “South Pacific”, Yogi on the kazoo. Way to strike out the side, Yogi. If you see a fork in the road of this farce, take it. That’s only logical.

If ya dance ta “A Country Boy Can Survive” being played by the same organ Grandma Redneck played even when the keys were gettin’ yellower than her teeth, ya might be a redneck.

At Mr. Wacky studios

“Rex, where have you been? We’ve been looking all over from you!!!!”

“I needed some extra income and the lemon meringue was pretty tasty. Just don’t tell my wife I’m really Noodles.”

GIL ALERT!!!!!!! GIL ALERT!!!!!!!!!!

As told in “Confessions of a Double Agent”, Gil, Rex, and Chuck Barris (Gong Show host, recall) were engaged in an assassination attempt in Guatemala as the resident dictator was proving too repressive, judging by the Pizza Hut’s that were scaled back in the name of economic recovery. Rex should make it back to his practice and will likely hitchhike on the Glenwood Across The Caribbean once the hit has been executed and Rex’s papers clear customs. If he shaves every other day, he and Chuck should be in a cabin next to Fred & Wilma before the night’s out. Gil will take more time but a few more kickbacks to the kitty should get him back in the dugout by Friday.

Vincent Price was an excellent actor, having been in horror flicks like the Dr. Phibes series. The one complaint that some of his colleagues had about him was he emoted his part dead in the ground. I personally loved his style but can feel people’s take on the issue. God knows that Gregg Phibes is getting carried away with, what? “Machine Head” by Deep Purple? “I Found A Million Dollar Baby At The Bucket At Rush Hour” by Sam the Sham & The Pharaohs? Getting excited over Vic-TOR-ia by playing the Brady Bunch theme on the pipe organ as huge as the Nick’s Pizza semi? That’s right, Gregg Phibes, have them dancing in the aisles playing Joe Walsh’s “A Life of Illusion” on the Wurlitzer. You got them in a whirling dervish. I don’t understand the connection between this and baseball but one over-emoted song at a time.

At Mr. Gil’s studio

“I’m singggggggggin’ in the rain, just sinnngggggin’ in the rain, how happy to be-“

“Okay, Noodles, you’ve gotten splashed enough. Don’t get the uniform too wet or I’ll have to cancel practice. And don’t even THINK of having Leo pitch a strike at the lever.”

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Chuck Barris and Coach Thorp Allegedly Finger Wrong Criminal On Glenwood Across Mars Tourlines!!!!!!!! Rene Belluso Still At Large!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Fred: ‘I am confident Mr. Barris will get his man. BTW, I was a fan of his on The Gong Show. A teacher colleague of mine got gonged because he told jokes worse than Gil.’”

Concerning P3, Gregg, I hate to burst the toy piano you’ve misapplied your fingers thereupon, but do you honestly think anyone is losing sleep over whether you’re Ray Charles or a sting ray? I’ll admit that you’re confusing the daylights out of the readership because one week you can play pinball at Milford Amusement Center like Tommy Walker, then the next week you’re Don Larsen in the ‘56 Series. But let this three-ring circus prevail in our daily routine by waving your supposed blindness the way a horse rider waves a carrot in front of Mr. Ed? Are you serious? We have better things to do than wonder if Dr. Phibes is overemoting his glaucoma and occasionally riding the umpire because Gil doesn’t have the fortitude to get the answers straight to Dr. Phibes’ blindness-on-the-spot. Heck, he can’t even play “Chopsticks”. Leastwise, I hope that’s not what they’re sashaying to.

Then there’s the tidbit I learned today that diabetics are more likely to contract Erectile Dysfunction. Man, all those Ho Ho’s, could it be that… Hmmmmmmmm.

Mud Mountain Murphy on the Glenwood Cruise Across The Zodiac in a luxury suite with the Glenwood Cruise Resident Slut

“Woman, I have more to offer than what’s inside my cowboy hat and I fully intend to take ‘em up on the “Rape Her Within 20 Minutes And The Session Is Free” offer. Now get’em off and let’s go to work!!!!!!”

“Oh Lemuel, the way you talk dirty tantalizes me no end, I feel your earth move under my feet and bod-WOW!!!!!! Looks like someone’s a diabetic and those Nick’s Diner Mt. Everest Banana Split Saturdays are beginning to take their toll.”

“Woman, that ain’t no way ta talk to a man!!!!!! I got my pride!!!!!! I can bang more than my guitar and I’m just about ta show ya the ropes!!!!!”

“Lemuel, I’ve gone to bed with apron strings and I had to fake the enjoyment. I can’t fake earthworms dug out of the ground. You have to start laying off on those Triple-X Hot Fudge Sundaes they serve at the Glenwood Cruise 24/7 Lounge.”

“Now looky here!!!!!!!!!! I got a reputation ta protect and I’m not ‘bout ta see my manhood get fired off like Buck did with my career!!!!!!!! You’re gonna love Them Muddy Boots or my name is Bugs Bunny with a Capital B!!!!!!!!”

“Well, Bugs Muddy, if you’d cease devouring Eggs Benedict Strawberry Shortcakes at the Cruise’s Breakfast Break, you might pump a lot faster. They had to call in a couple of extra servers just to accommodate your fanatical approach to early morning cuisine. I’m surprised you didn’t eat the rooster that went cock-a-doodle-doo. Wasn’t topped with Domino’s sugar could be the only explanation.”

“THAT’S ENOUGH!!!!!!! I still have 3 minutes and I am going to rip it off and go to town even if it’s a bronco that ain’t learned it’s lesson at the Glenwood Rodeo!!!!!!!!”

“Lemuel, you couldn’t even ride on the kiddy pony up front at the Glenwood Wal-Mart when you were consuming all those Strawberry Pop Tarts they were passing around at your last concert. No wonder why your manhood jumped off the ship with Rene Belluso. I’d be hiding too if your manhood was no thicker than a Slim Jim Reduced Fat Calorie Sensitive piece of work.”

“NOW LOOKY HERE!!!!!!! If ya think-“

BRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIINNNNGGGGGGGG

“Time’s up. The offer expired. Do you want to pay debit or credit?”

“Thank God there was a Milford Men’s Clinic next to the Glenwood Cruise Health Spa. I got enlarged and a massage to boot. It don’t get no better than that. With all the proven treatments and a stern lecture on cutting back on the sweets, The Clinic was a godsend for this sexy cowboy performer. Hey, this cowboy will gladly stuff the Twinkies in the garbage can if he can rape Dolly Parton for free and beat the buzzer in the bargain. Come rape your own Dinah Shore when you ditch the Snickers, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, listen, for a plot idea, how about Gregg and Mud playing “Them Muddy Boots” while the ladies dance around so playfully? WHAT???? You don’t think it’s a good plot idea???? How about Alice Cooper and Mud then???? Playing “You Drive Me Nervous”???? Well, the last song sums up my feelings for the plot-jerking so far anyway.

But God bless you anyway, Gang.

BABY, HOLD ME TIGHT, ‘CAUSE YOU CAN MAKE IT RIGHT

YOU CAN SHOOT ME STRAIGHT TO THE TOP

GIVE ME LOVE AND TAKE ALL I GOT

TO GIVE

BABY, I’LL BE TOUGH

TOO MUCH IS NOT ENOUGH-

“Gil, can the Fame! schtick and come to bed.”

“Dr. Spock, You Never Informed Me That Dr. Francesca Could Speak Fluent Vulcan.”

I liked what many of the Go Comics people were harping on in relation to this Goodwill Tour Gone Gil’d. We travel clear across an ocean via the Skyjacked! route, i.e., north to Anchorage, cut across Siberia, do a layover in Omsk, take a lunch break in Murmansk, return over the Steppes, stop to go the bathroom in Uzbekistan, fix a tire in Astana, sightsee the yurts in Ulan Bator, sail into Incheon and FINALLY find out when Coach Kim is arguing with the airport security that his #2 pencil is not a lethal weapon that Luke Loser can understand all the cuss words in Korean. Yeah, go Gil yourself, airport security. You tell ‘em, Luke, no matter what idioma is on the slate.

Then it hits me. How do we know that Lim Tak-Shi is not in reality a semi-doppelgänger for Ludwig von Siegfried and Coach Kim is really Agent 86? Heavens to Betsy, Lim could pass for the Kommisar of KAOS and I wouldn’t argue. Is this player that Loser and Kim are recruiting really a Communist infiltrator that will stage an overthrow of the Milford City Council? Wow, what a storyline, today Mudlarkland, tomorrow, the U.S. Capitol. No wonder why Loser learned the language, if Commie Carl bolts during intermission of a Valley Tech doubleheader to go commence a conflagration of Milford High School’s cafeteria or VT’s auditorium, it no doubt would help to be able to say “Get ‘em up against the wall” in Korean. It really isn’t going to do much good to be Harry Callahan and point his magnum at this Commie if he proceeds to say “Go ahead. Make my day” in Luxembourgoise. When in Seoul, do as the Seoulians do.

And then I wonder.

Why does Coach Kim need to have Luke Loser in the same capacity as Coach Thorp when he was plugging those used cars that the little old lady from Pasadena wouldn’t curb her dog in the passenger seat for, if Coach Kim can speak for himself and pretty much has so far? Why drag Hoss Cartwright off the ranch when the latter was slaughtering hogs while trying to recruit somebody? I mean, this dude better be worth it if you’re taking Rooster Cogburn to be your mouthpiece, especially when Coach Kim had been holding much of the conversation. Oh, until Coach Kim and Ludwig Lim Tak-Shi discovered that Rooster understood what they were saying when Ludwig Lim complained that Rooster needed to change deodorants. This plot is getting more inane by the Frequent Flyer miles.

I can see this one on Bonanza

“May I help you?”

“Yeah, we’re trying to recruit this All-Star from Macedonia, Mr. Cartwright, and we understand Hoss speaks fluent Macedonian.”

“You’ll have to talk with him. He’s out in the barn milking the Holsteins.”

“Thank you, Mr. Cartwright.”

“Call me Ben.”

“Sure, Ben. We think this phenom will put Dodge City on the map.”

How about The Big Valley?

“My, my, what a big ranch you have here, Victoria. We could build an extra practice field if you’re not making money on a cow pasture that the deer wouldn’t feed off of to conquer their bowel movements.”

“Call me Mrs. Barkley. And how can I assist you?”

“Well, Valley Tech is recruiting a can’t-miss prospect out of Hamburg, Germany and one of your flunkies harvesting the beets close to the San Joaquin River told me that Jarrod speaks fluent Hochdeutsch.”

“I’ll have a word with Mr. Barkley. Make yourself at home. There’s plenty of cookies over by where Heath is inoculating our hogs.”

“Much obliged, Ma’am. Hooo dogie, if Coach Thorp could see how high they grow the carrots here in rural Stockton, he might give up advertising used Conestoga wagons.”

Hey, as long as we’re going to wear cowboy hats, well, when in Dodge City, do as Wyatt Earp does. We can amalgamate Tombstone, Arizona and the Seoul Olympics and make the plot work. It might take a crowbar to thrust the square peg in this round and round story idea but did you ever see a Pony Express horse give up when it was scaling El Capitan???? The mail got through to Napa Valley and everybody went to bed without further incident.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Rumors Quelled Quickly That Lim Tak-Shi Was The Engineer On ‘Petticoat Junction’ Episodes!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Sources confirm his difficulty in reading the script. A teleprompter in Korean in the coal car was vetoed by the show’s director.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office one lovely Teacher’s Conference day, Mountain’s “Mississippi Queen” blasting out of her file cabinet so that Luhm will later have to ratchet the bolts back in place

“Gil, the Valley Tech principal called again. He said that Coach Luke is insistent you return his hat.”

“For the tenth time, Dr. Pearl, I bought that Little Joe cowboy hat at Milford Second Tyme Around Shoppe. I even have the receipt.”

Man, we goin’ global here if we are expanding into Exploding Jaw Effect. It’s not enough to take somebody’s eyeball out when it’s discovered that Hoss Cartwright can hold his own ordering in Korean at the Seoul KFC, dude, we gotta rip out the whole lower facial structure. I’d hate to see what would happen if they were touring the Seoul Fine Arts Museum and Hoss was discussing the Romantic Era in relation to Korean Renaissance water colors versus oil prints not to mention the Late Baroque that got a late jump in Gwangju but still managed to recover the style from all the pedestrian bridges that Bach and Rhee once traipsed therewith the multifaceted Sturm und Drang influence on the early Seoul skyscrapers that contributed to a more Keynesian effect on the economy, all in the Korean tongue. When Hoss could ask the security guard where the bathrooms were without even looking in the Fodor’s in his back pocket, Coach Kim’s cheeks and mandibles had to have made serious stains all over the carpet.

Doctor Morgan alert!!!!!!! Doctor Morgan alert!!!!!!!!

The physician is still MIA like Coach Kim’s jaw and has yet to be uncovered at this point. Sources say he was last seen riding on a tram over Neuschwanstein because he’d always want to see the Alps up close without his bratty kids playing cooties in the contraption, but that is mere speculation at this juncture.

In the interim, Day Umpteen of the strip has our beloved Mud “Lemuel” Mountain Murphy bellyaching that he learned his lesson and that he will never be a Moonie again, let alone play songs requiring Reverend Sun Myung Moon’s approval before ol’Mud hits the stage. He was tired of only getting flowers when performing “Them Muddy Boots” when hard cash paid for hats, either worn by Mud or Ben Cartwright. It appears that after Day Umpteen + 1, i.e., today that Mud didn’t learn his lesson after getting approached by a Hare Krishna to do “Them Muddy Boots” for the cult’s educational videos. This will delay Doctor Morgan’s return and may even divert him to the tourist group that is going to Gocheok Sky Dome to go watch the Kiwoom Heroes play. Hey, we may find Rex and a decent player to shanghai back to the states that will do Hoss and Valley Tech proud. HRAAAKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!

Korean Version of the Milford Enquirer at a Gwangju IHOP newsstand

“{Korean Phenom To Leave His Hometown Roots For Valley Conference Aspirations!!!!!!!!}”

sub headline

“{Gwangju Mayor: ‘We will give him a key to the city if he can prove that he can beat teams in a higher tier than Milford.}”

Gang, don’t misunderstand me. Having a Ring is the sweetest feeling in the world. I can personally relate. My nephew, a medical doctor, was one of the team doctors for the 2021 Atlanta Braves when they won the World Series. The first thing I learned is that those things are HUGE. Seeing it on his finger and observing the ring dwarf his appendage was incredible (ha) .

That said, I remember when Karl “The Mailman” Malone, the great NBA star for years with the Utah Jazz, once said that he took not winning a ring philosophically. In the end, it really didn’t matter whether won one or not. John Salley, a member of the two-time NBA Champion Detroit Pistons, saw it differently. On NBA Today, he had this to say

“Karl, it may not matter to you but me and Rick Mahorn and Jeff Ruland and Joe Dumars and Vinnie Johnson and Dennis Rodman and Isaiah Thomas made up our minds that if we were going to go through the grind in practices and games, we were going to get that ring. And now I have two of them. And it’s the sweetest feeling in the world. Trust me.”

Those last two words especially had a hold on me so when my nephew was in the middle of the World Series in 2021, I was glued to the radio, I wanted it so bad since I was THAT close. I took Salley’s words to heart.

Therefore, it’s not like I’m begrudging Luke Loser but it’s not like he got those playing with Aaron Judge from the Yankees or with Larry Bird when Larry Legend won rings in the ‘80’s with McHale and Parrish or with Babe when he was with Murderer’s Row or Eddie Matthews when he was with Hank or Ernie Johnson. Wasn’t one of those from his wrestling exploits (correct me if I’m wrong) ? You go clear across the Pacific to tell some Korean Dr. No that his son needs to come play baseball for Valley Tech because you won the Southern Heavyweight Tag Belt when you and Jerry Lawler beat the Moon Dogs in a Milford Cage Match? You eat Mongolian Squid Brisket at a Seoul Upscale Bistro and show off the ring you got knocking some Washington State chump on his butt, as if that’s going to convince Dr. No that you can teach his son how to throw a change or hold the runner at first? You show that one ring you got from co-advertising with Gil for Milford Metropolitan Used Cars and Accessories and find a wedding ring somebody left in the glove box when that schmuck had the tow truck haul it off his front yard? Yeah, not all rings were done above board, were they, Luke? I’m not waiting until Gil does another Milford U-Pull-It promo in the same time frame anyway.

“{Did you get that one ring out of a Cracker Jack box? Because the candy-coated stuff is all over my jacket.}”

Oooooookkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back to HRRRRAAAKKKK!!!!! this plot into the ground where it rightfully belongs. Take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooo dumb ({HOW!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!}) , she thought Lim Tak-Shi was a dinner dish made out of an animal’s ________________”

Sorry, I forgot to tell you, part of Match Game Milford Edition was in Korean. Gene was talking in front of an audience of Seoul residents. My bad.

If ya insist on tha Seoul restaurant honoring its {Drinks 1/2 off on Wednesday} cuz ya like ta wash down tha Stir Fried Squid w/ Rice Krispies with a cold Budweiser, ya might be a redneck.

Dr. No asks the No-Brainer of the Year. Why Milford, indeed? I can assure you, I will not be boarding an airline anytime soon to a baseball diamond in Japan just to recruit a Can’t-Miss prospect to pitch on my Tuesday Night Industrial League team to help win the County Championship in Monkey’s Eyebrow, Kentucky. Flying a foreigner just to make sure you have 10 players in the field so you don’t forfeit? You have to fly to Bhutan rather than get on the phone to call someone on your roster? Yeah, Lim, here’s all the rings I won as the Extra Player/Manager for my Jug Rox Industries 50-and-Over team. Knock ‘em dead, Luke Loser.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Korean/Milford Air Lines 747 Forced To Lay Over In Hutchinson, Kansas Due To Excess Air Travel!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“K/MAL spokesperson: ‘We will taxi some of passengers to Salina where they will catch a Greyhound to Denver. This should help ease the overburdened system.”

Rex Alert!!!!!!! Rex Alert!!!!!!!!!

Doctor Rex Morgan is reportedly staying at a motel in the country of Andorra. His Visa was properly scanned and was in good working order. There were no links to terrorists. He will scale the Pyrenees and use the Basque he learned at a Wellness Seminar in Glenwood and his education, if not his presence, will be further enhanced.

Mud Mountain Murphy will sell his new New Age material (“God Is Watching Us From Fred & Wilma’s Cabin.”) to a Hare Krishna consortium. This was decided after several days that could have been spent on actual treatment of patients which I have reasoned out to have been the raison d’etre of the comic strip; sources have hinted strongly at this proposition, at any rate. While we’re waiting, Mud has promised Buck that he will not perform “Them Muddy Boots” in his Birthday Suit. Truck Tyler was not available for comment. He and Bertha Butt were last seen at a trailhead just north of the Andorra border.

Luke Loser and the Thorpiverse crowd in general, I have no doubt in my mind that this prospect would get lost in any metropolis with a 1,000,000+ population but to say he will stand out in Milford is like saying the Yankees won a few World Series Championships in the last century. Like, who’s this phenom’s competition? Vic “I licked Gil’s Nike’s in the faculty lounge to be the P.A. announcer” Doucette? Gregg “Tommy Walker” Hamm? Mike “Butter” Knappe? Corinna “Rhymes With Urine” Karenna? Pedro “At least I don’t flash an ugly walrus goatee like my dad” Martinez? “Laser” Leo Atazhoon? And don’t EVEN bring up Barry Bader. That’s like comparing Dale Murphy with Joe Schlabotnik and having them face off in a Home Run competition at All-Star break. Joe MIGHT hit one if you throw it underhanded.

Thorpiverse, you might want to phrase this one better next time.

“We’ll be back to see if Batman uses his Bat Maalox to help cure his jet lag from his trip to Korea after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“I had a wonderful time in Korea and it would have been better if Coach Kaz would have been there to sweep my 823-pound body off my feet at the Demilitarized Zone Bridal Suite but unicorns don’t always emerge out of the Burger King in Jeonju. And the damper was the incident where they didn’t even frisk me for weapons when I went through Customs because there wasn’t a gate wide enough to allow me through. Imagine my humiliation when they handed me my purse after I got off the baggage cart. It was time to make some changes.
Greetings, this is Mabel Ruth Pearl and I thought life was going to sink into The Dardanelles when my bilingual tour guide told me some wonderful news. Milford Liposuction Academy had a satellite in Daejong and they even had medical staff, from the janitor to the 3rd-shift clinician that spoke English. This was important for this femme fatale who just needed to lose some fatal pounds. It would have been hard to understand Bosnian if the wrong tube went up my boobs and my pocket translator was in my hotel room.

After the secretary received all my information, including confirmation that I had no prior felonies, she set me up with the resident physician who had his nurses install the proper networks into my arms, legs, eardrums, mouth, and vena cava so that the process of lipase liberation would commence.

They used Novocain to put me to sleep and I could feel the wizardry begin to work its magic. They used some special herbs that the country uses to cure constipation and it most certainly put me to sleep. I dreamed that Coach Kaz was violating my space even though it was a Registered Nurse probing everywhere, public or private, with a heart monitor extensor. Even if I knew Coach Kaz wasn’t there to hold my hand or even lower, I still was rest assured that my heart was functioning properly and that I would not contract any Korean epidemics since the country implemented vaccines for chicken pox during the lipo removal procedure. Tit for tat.

The lipo removal procedure went like clockwork overall. The state-of-the-art Latex pyrotechnic tubes that were normally installed as heating conduits from the engine block to the radiator on Hyundai assembly lines were also guaranteed to keep the lipases exodusing from my corporealness to entice me to a slimmer figure and allow me to never again sleep in the baggage system of the plane did their jobs and could ward even a careless cigarette that some flunky nurse’s aide neglected to snuff out. I was home free.

I awoke a new me, one that will keep dreaming that Coach Kaz and I will be sharing the same Nestea and Julienne fries together but I would no longer be accosted to be the bronco bull at the Seoul Rodeo Grounds. Life has its trade-offs and the beauty is one day I will be the woman of his dreams and I got a head start in that regard. You can’t get to Paris by heading to Oslo.

Come on over here in Korea where the water’s fine AND drinkable and experience a new body free of the fatty globules that does so easily beset you. And you don’t even need to bring your Langensheidt Korean Dictionary to experience the miracle of pound-shedding. Let yourself get carried away, especially in the wheelchair, and be well on the road to a new image that will get the wolves howling, not counting the ones in the Schwarzwald, only at Milford Liposuction Academy.”

Gang, Lim Tak-Shi is not Hymie. He’s a robot, remember? And do you see Agent 99 anywhere? KAOS is not trying to infiltrate the Milford Baseball team. Not as long as Cami covers for Gil’s absenteeism.

God bless you, Gang.

“You are nothing but a stupid policeman, whose luck has run out. And if I encounter anybody in SPECTRE wearing that hideous cowboy hat, I will personally send him to be executed in the Radiation Pool.”

“{BTW, Mom, This Is Hoss Cartwright. He’s Always Wanted To See Korea.}”

Luke Loser, nobody forced you to move to Rockville. To be talking about Hicktown, USA clear across an ocean shows the ignorance that we already knew was, paradoxically speaking, latent but then again pretty darn evident once we got to know you. The last thing I will EVER talk about when I’m standing in front of the Grand Canyon is there being no joy in Mudville tonight. You flew into one of the most beautiful countries in the world and all that’s on your mind is that the Milford Maintenance Department needs to fill that pothole on a street on the way to Valley Tech? Oh, darn, I forgot, Francesca couldn’t get a job in New Thayer because they don’t have a Liposuction Clinic to handle Mabel Ruth’s obesity. Fancy that.

Dude, you need to get a life.

We’re still anticipating who The Korean Franchise might be. I remember when Sports Illustrated ran an article where this pitcher could pitch 168MPH, only to later post APRIL FOOL!!!!! Well, we’re way past April so this had better be good if we’re going to listen to Luke Lunkhead bitch about Milford having no place for the Cartwrights to hitch their horses. And I’m tired of Ben Cartwright letting his horse relieve himself on my practice field. I feel your anguish, Luke.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Korean Air Lines To Set Up Stops To Milford International!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We are confident we can negotiate with the Cartwrights on part of their ranch for a separate tarmac.”

At Incheon International Airport

“{Who’s that weirdo with the cowboy hat? I saw him buy it at the Airport Souvenir Shoppe.}”

“{Don’t worry. I’ll keep him in the Seoul Hampton Inn until I locate my recruit. I paid extra for The Cartoon Channel to keep him occupied.}”

Then it hits me. Why are two high school coaches traversing halfway across the globe for a player? Now I could understand Jimmy Dolan. His logic was airtight since it’s college basketball and the player was old enough to vote and old enough to enlist. I’d hitchhike through Africa to get him back to State U. too. But Hicktown High? You’re getting your baggage from the Moscow Airport or the Luxembourg Line or the Eva Peron Buenos Aires Regional baggage claim just to be scouting some zit-faced Korean at the Seoul YMCA???? Was this on the Valley Tech School Board budget? Don’t even answer.

Okay, you don’t like eating your plate lunches at Milford Diner, Loser, but as we used to say at my college “Don’t bitch-TRANSFER”. Nobody is forcing you to eat the Salisbury Steak w/ Creamed Mashed Potatoes & Refried Green Beans. What are you going to do, bribe the Korean Sensation with The Diner Tuesday Special Chicken Tenders & Chess Pie, Maureen the Waitress gift-wrapping it so it doesn’t spoil over 3,000 miles?

Then I wonder if Jimmy Dolan is going to have to endure another game where more than bragging rights are at stake. Are Jimmy, Coach Kim, and Luke Loser going to engage a team in a basketball game with North Korea where if this Terrible Trio lose, not only will the Korean Sensation have to serve in a suburban Pyongyang labor camp somewhere but the trio will have to be permanent card-carrying members of the Communist Party , but if the trio wins, North Korea party members will have to buy season tickets to Valley Tech baseball games? You laugh for now.

Denny Crum, the great college basketball coach for the University of Louisville, passed away a few days ago. He was well-noted for the ‘80 and ‘86 NCAA Championships, both victories coming down to cases, further confirming Crum’s teams as the Cardiac Cards. Milt Wagner’s two free throws with two seconds left and Louisville already clinging to a 70-69 lead (fortunate that Duke had no time outs) also got them named the Clutch Cards.

A good story came from Darrell Griffith yesterday at the Yum! Center where a Celebration of Coach Crum’s Life took place. Griffith was once on a breakaway to which he completely blew the dunk. Of course, Crum was upset so when he finally pulled Griffith to the side, he went “Why didn’t you just lay it in?”

Griffith responded “Coach, I’m Doctor Dunkenstein. That ain’t happening.”

Crum’s answer was priceless.

“Then you tell Darrell the next time I want him to lay the ball in.”

Korean Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“{Korean Sensation Benched, May Sit Out Game With Milford!!!!!!!!!}”

sub headline

“{Coach Luke Lunkhead: ‘I don’t care if his fans call him the Korean Dunk Meister, he’ll be dunking on a Nerfhoop in a Hamhung sweatshop if he keeps blowing the bunnies.}’”

At a Seoul McDonald’s

{“Here, son, if you slurp it all down, you’ll see Syngman Rhee at the bottom.”}
{“Mom, I’m a head coach now. With Hoss as an assistant, I have to do my own babying.”}

I think we’d be more successful getting to the last door in Maxwell Smart’s domicile than tracking down this phenom that is likely sleeping in Mammoth Cave via the tectonic plates below Busan. Again, they traveled more miles than the Globetrotters just to hail down a cab and hope to God this phenom is home and not at the library to return library materials? Believe me, I’m not traveling from Blagoveshchensk’s Oblast just to find out if Milford Diner charges extra for sour cream on my Baked Potato & Sautéed Yams. Yeah, I’ll trust that Coffee Cantina serves Lipton Raspberry Unsweetened Tea free from COVID-19, I don’t need to take a row boat across the East China Sea to confirm the rumors.

And even if they get the address correct, what is this supposed God’s Gift To Korean Whiffleball supposed to think when a fellow countryman and the Cartwright family are at his door? Oh, come in, I’ve heard a lot about you. Oh, you owned Ponderosa? We have one downtown, let’s talk about playing for Valley Tech over the Breakfast Buffet. They have a parking section for covered wagons. The Korean Beef Cheese Omelette is to die for. Hoss, I think you’ll really go for the Stir Fried Squid w/ Rice Krispies. I have heard you have had a lot of acid in your large intestine so this is gastronemic-sensitive. Personally, I like the Stone Pot Bi Bam Bap. It adds a couple of miles/hour to my fastball. And I heard they finally washed the ladles after the Restaurant Workers Strike. The Wanton Soup should be lice-free.

Got him in the bag, Hoss.

Seoul Late Edition of the Korean Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“{Bones Discovered In Construction Site Of Gwangju Burger King Traced To Coach Thorp’s Lineage!!!!!!!!}”

sub headline

“{Local anthropology authorities believe Neanderthal Thorp was on recruiting visit for a backup catcher.}”

At a basketball game late in February

“Leo!!!!!!!! @$&#%]?\|!!!!!!!! Next time, lay the ball in!!!!!!”

“Coach, this is the Halftime Slam Dunk Competition, remember?”

Is it me, or do they have lanes to accommodate all the taxis going every which way? One looks like it’s headed straight towards that box truck. The truck itself looks like it’s headed toward some tunnel in the median. You might find this Korean Kolassal down there next to the Cro-Magnons who run the boutiques in Underground Seoul. Looking at these taxi cabs, I will no longer have to explain Brownian Motion and get left hanging. Just call me T. Drew Nye The Science Guy.

If ya eat tha Marinated Tofu ‘n’ Deer Bar-B-Q at the Seoul bistro cuz ya iz gettin’ indigestion from all that recruitin’ uv all them cavemen with a 4-pitch repertoire (fastball, curve, slider, Ephus) and ya got ta clean yore innards out and dump ‘em in tha nearest sewer, ya might be a redneck.

At a Seoul tourist trap

“No, really, this hat is really you. People won’t be calling you Hoss anymore.”

“But a dunce hat?”

“Well, as the saying goes, if the shoe fits…”

Wait a minute. How does Luke know what they’re saying? Don’t go making assumptions, Loser. This is Fallacy of Composition, big time. Just because Coach Kim licks up to you doesn’t mean the rest of South Korea will follow suit. Now I can’t answer for North Korea since they allow limited access but I doubt some North Korean farmer prays five times each day pointed in the direction of the Valley Tech gym. Safe to say incense isn’t being burned in some North Korean village in your honor.

For all we know, Coach Kim, brackets and all, could be saying “{Look what the cat dragged in. I only brought him along because Korean Air Lines offers discounts if you bring another body. Yes, I worship the ground he walks on until we have to sit next to each other in the plane. Then I’m reminded he never brings body wash on recruiting trips.}”

Then his mom responds in kind “{No problem. He can sleep with rest of the horses in the barn. I have enough hay we harvested today to make a bed. He can use your brother’s old pillow. I got all the tics killed off.}”

“{Wonderful. Sorry we have to talk Vulcan but I don’t want to hurt his feelings.}”

“{No worries. I made your dad sleep in the barn when he flatulated excessively from that Yook Gae Jang I used to serve every Friday.}”

“And I like Mud Mountain Murphy too!!!! I heard he was scheduled to perform at the Seoul Civic Auditorium. BTW, how do you say ‘Them Muddy Boots’ in Korean?”

“We’ll return to see if Luke Loser found his Fodor’s Korean in 10 Days or if he’ll have to walk the streets of Seoul groping around like Gregg Hamm after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

At Coach Kim’s parents’ farm, far from the madding crowd

“{Wow, Mrs. Kim, I never thought we’d get Mr. Loser in the cow stall but he set his alarm so I assume he’s okay.}”

“{I shut the gate so the Japanese Holsteins wouldn’t snuggle up. I was concerned with his snoring but we won’t need to turn on the moth zapper. I just hope our neighbors won’t think there’s an earthquake transpiring.}”

“{And I’m going to shake you up once we get into bed. Put down that cattle prod and stop wasting my time.}”

“{Oh, Mr. Kim, your trash talk is getting this Korean lass hot to trot. I feel like one of our Amur Oblast hogs in heat!!!!! I am more excited than Busan rush hour traffic!!!!!!}”

“{I intend to get past the 38th Parallel North and conquer you and the rest of Kim Jong Un’s band of commies!!!!!! You don’t stand a chance under the sheets!!!!!!!}”

{“Oh, let the bazooka drive it in me, um, er, it appears as if Bazooka Joe is bigger than yours in a cakewalk.}”

“{How do you figure???? I have been breaking bulls all day and if that doesn’t get me harder than the Gulag Archipelago, I will sleep next to Mr. Loser in the bunk with the rest of the chickens.}”

“{Don’t let me stop you. I didn’t have my son because you limped when General MacArthur dropped by to pay a visit. You need to prove you are still a man or move to Indonesia. The village restaurant makes seafood pancakes out of your Cream of Wheat Mush.}”

“{I will not have my masculinity compromised at the North Korean border!!!!!!! You ungrateful woman, you will take my Korean Cuisine and like every bit of it, after dinner mints included!!!!!!!! I came, I saw, I conquered all of Asia!!!!!!!}”

“{I’ll concede the mints since they’re tasty and hard. Your manhood is like a Korean Hot Dog that got left in the dryer too long. I could iron that Oscar Mayer flabby job and never have to worry about wrinkles or otherwise. You ever thought of switching over to Armour Korean Beef Franks?}”

“{I will nab this wild ewe that refuses to lay down her life like the rest of the sheep and teach her a lesson about what happens when you insult a ram!!!!!! Your sexual resistance will get head-butted!!!!!!!!}”

“{Oh, I want to lay, all right. Just not in front of a ram with no horns-}”

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“{Yes?}”

“{Mom and Dad, could you keep it down? You woke up the chickens and Mr. Loser can’t sleep in his bunk.}”

“{Saints be praised that Milford Men’s Clinic had an overseas location practically right down the road at our nearest metropolis. And I tried the new, improved EREC-4572 Sea Salt tablets, the salt guaranteeing an erection in 15 minutes or the medications are free. What did I have to lose other than the two horses that ended up in my neighbor’s chicken coop? Now, Mrs. Kim and I threaten nuclear warfare every night and we are bombing each other over and over. There’s no Detente under these covers, not even close. Go to your nearest Milford Men’s Clinic today, now with a new location in Hokkaido, Japan.}”

{Gang, thank you for your-}, oh shoot, I forgot to turn off the Urdu translater. There, in any language, God bless you all. You mean the world to me.

In Tijuana, Mexico, at a pawn shop

“{Tell Coach Thorp, he can’t coach his way out of a lava lamp. And I’ll only take $5 for the watch, I don’t care about no damn 2014 Championship.}”

“What did he say?”

“He said ‘Congratulations on your championship and that he will only charge you $5 for the lava lamp.”

I’ll Concede Gregg Hamm Is Better Than Cab Calloway.

At Milford Comedy Caravan

“…so I look at Kaz and ask him, Kaz, do you always live in penthouses that have flimsy wood railings that could send you on a 32-story joyride to an early grave marker? And he asked, what do I look like, Cab Calloway trying to play Duke Ellington’s ‘Black, Brown, and Beige’ on his song flute?”

Don’t even try to answer. I was trying to be Foghorn Leghorn on plots that are getting worse, starting with Heehaw getting wheeled to the Mixed Doubles Softball competition who eventually wound up spiking the punch at Kaz’s Coach Thorp Roast. Just don’t park her near the edge. I’d hate to see her all banged up and in the ICU at Milford Adult Center because the wheelchair had faulty brakes. And I never cut into somebody else’s post but I’m a HUGE Jazz fan and it’s disgraceful to see Thorpiverse using a Jazz great like Calloway for padding on a lukewarm joke. This was obviously after Thorpiverse read the Childcraft article eight times on the Jazz icon. Let’s make sure we can pronounce his name correctly before we insert him in a runaway ignorant plot scheme. We wouldn’t want people calling in.

Cab Calloway was an excellent bandleader and singer who reigned supreme particularly during the’30’s and ‘40’s. He was primarily known for “Minnie the Moocher” that reached #1 in 1931 (Hi De Hi De Hi De Hi…) , but also scored with “St. James Infirmary”, “You Rascal, You”, “I’ve Got The World on a String”, and “St. Louis Blues”. His one vice was his gambling problem which tore a top-rated band in two but scored a major comeback in the “Blues Brothers” in 1980. Therefore, I cringed yesterday when Gil was trying to be funny and the HAHAHAHAHA response indicated the venture had failed. I don’t anticipate a second audition at Milford Comedy Caravan on the horizon.

Worse, the cat dragged Kaz back into our lives and the only reason why we would observe him and his cheap cigars he bought at a flea market on a clearance sale would evidently be that he got fired as Kindergarten Cop at Milford Boys Club and Thorpiverse was desperate for a Plan B plot or he has nothing better to do at the Hotel Gaston where you can check out anytime but you can never leave. I didn’t see Kaz sitting in a lawn chair next to Heehaw the other day anyway. And we’re stabbing this Hotel Failure with a steely knife but we just can’t slay the Gil. Is there any D-Con Dragonfly Killer nearby?

The exchange between Gil and Kaz today which smacks a little of The Rooftop Concert by the Beat-“We interrupt our regularly scheduled program so that we may bring you the following CNN Special Report. We have our reporter standing by at Glenwood Cruise To Reach The Dropped Camera Apollo 13 Left On The Moon, George Lickley. George, what can you tell us about the latest news concerning Fred & Wilma and Mud Mountain Murphy?”

“Well, Tom, it appears that Fred & Wilma are at the Cruise Ship Concert Hall after being epoxied to the outdoor recliners for several weeks. Sources tell us they were confined to a diet of cheese crackers and water for several weeks, occasionally managing to spear a sting ray with a tooth pick Fred had in his shirt pocket, keeping the appetite honest.”

“George, I understand that Mud Mountain Murphy will be returning to the stage and won’t be playing ‘Don’t Worry, Be Karma’ or any other Ravi Shankar Billboard Wonders now, if ever.”

“That is correct, Tom. Fred & Wilma can return to civilization on the right foot by watching their favorite redneck perform ‘Them Muddy Boots’, among other classics such as ‘She’s Acting Single, I’m Drinking Doubles’ by Gary Stewart or ‘El Paso’ by Marty Robbins. Fred performing at all is another matter open for discussion and I’ll have a full report on him and also Coach Thorp’s Big Misadventures Under The Covers later on as I get more information. It may take a while given the sterility of the environment but we won’t disappoint on those who do. Back to you.”

“Thank you, George. For a copy of transcripts on this audio, send a SASE to

CNN Special Report Transmissions

c/o WDIG-TV

Milford, USA Random Zip Code

That’s all we have. We now return you to your program, already chopped up like Bobby Howry’s reputation.”

les seems to be a pity party in disguise for Kaz. As in, looks like you’re doing without me, Gil. I have no problem with that even if I coached the pitchers, catchers, baserunners, lined up the umpires to sign their contracts, washed the players uniforms after the games, dried their clothes, and don’t forget, I WAS the one who bought Cling-Free, washed the umpires clothes after the games, coached first base, coached the outfielders calling off the infielders on fly balls, coached the parents on good sportsmanship including not to throw Snickers wrappers at the umps on a bang-bang play, coached the bunts, went over the bunts signs, that when I scratch my crotch on a 3-0 count, you have the green light to swing, and coached the concession stand workers on placing the Laffee Toffee in front and not in the freezer to boost sales.

Otherwise, no hard feelings.

The Beatles Rooftop Concert was a bit controversial because it was a feeler to see if they still had a rapport with the fans. It might have given a second life to the band but it somewhat backfired because no prior notice was given. They still might have executed the ambitious but staging a concert on a roof in London at lunch time with no warning brought major problems such as traffic jams because the crowd was flooding the streets trying to figure out who was playing so loudly at such an hour. When several businesses flooded the nearby London Police precinct with complaints, the concert was shut down after about forty-five minutes when the police threatened arrests. The writing was on the wall.

It would turn out to be the last Beatles public appearance ever.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Mud Mountain Murphy Forced To Shut Down Rooftop Concert After Several Complaints To Milford Police!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Police Spokesperson: ‘Mr. Murphy simply did not possess the necessary equipment to play ‘Them Muddy Boots’ on Coach Thorp’s roof. And the neighborhood was tucking in their kids at 8:30.’”

“Have a Bucket Burger, sugar

Eat an onion, Bunyan

Down an orange, Lawrence

Everybody eats when they come to my house

Serve up some shrimpies, Wimpy

Roast some Folgers, Ray Bolger

Chili con carne for Barney

Everybody eats when they come to my house”

“Dr. Pearl, face it. You’re no Cab Calloway. And you might want to turn off that amp or the whole garage will burn down.”

Why must this whole array of clouds puffing up out of control in all directions sate the landscape in the background? Is there a nuclear holocaust on Enceladus? I can understand wisps of smoke interacting with the stars but the cumuli appears poised to take over the planet anytime. This isn’t going to help quell the Elvis rumors

“Did you see The King? He was singing ‘Suspicious Minds’ on that cloud nearest Cygnus X-1.”

“For real? I thought that was Otis Redding but forgot he doesn’t know the words to ‘Burnin’ Love’.”

“Elvis always reached for the stars and those stratiforms surrounding Lyra. He’s not left the solar system yet.”

I thought that billowing fabrication might have been emanating from one of Kaz’s cigars but no way could Barney’s Pub produce all that smoke that could surround Jupiter during the rainy season. Film at 11.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Mud Mountain Murphy Given Final Clearance For Concert On Top Of Cruise Line!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

Glenwood Cruise Spokesperson: ‘The concert overlapped a bit with Coach Ochoa’s softball practices in the Cruise Line gym but management and the promoters felt they could attract enough of an audience. And Mr. Murphy will be chained to one of the smokestacks.”

In Gil’s office, right before lunch

“Don’t falter

At the altar

When you take that greeeeattt big step

“Don’t falter

At the altar

When you try and beeeeeeeeeee hep”

“Gil, you keep singing like that, you’ll be joining me at Milford Boys Club as second shift security.”

“I don’t sound like Cab Calloway?”

“Like Lucy trying to sound like Desi.”

Gee whiz, where did Kaz get the ash tray? Did Dr. Pearl have a yard sale recently? That was the lucky ash tray Brigadier General Alphonsus Horatio Pearl picked up from some Confederate when Johnny Reb was retreating at the Battle of-“We interrupt this lifeless plot once again for another CNN Special Report. We are live at the Glenwood Cruise Lifeline For Lifeless Plots Ship Line with our reporter, Thurman Underfart, who is at the George Jones/Tammy Wynette Grand Ole Opry on the Sea Auditorium with some breaking news.”

“That’s right, Tom. Fred finally summoned up enough courage and bowed to one knee to propose to Wilma if she would finally go to bed with him and do more than play footsies. Last night, they finally took their clothes off after weeks of wearing the same outfit, even during monsoon season, and Fred managed to hit paydirt without using a AAA Road Map. This is considered a monumental event and Wilma was FedEx’d a bouquet of roses by the diner she used to own.”

“Thurman, I understand Fred had been having masculinity issues and there were rumors they would be sleeping in separate rooms or at least a chaise lounge length apart in bed if Fred could not rescue his manhood in the same manner he rescued Snidely Whiplash. Any truth to those statements?”

“Tom, any time two consenting adults can’t come to an agreement other than at the bargaining table to decide whether to go to the Cruise Line’s main restaurant or to the ice cream confectionery for a Slurpee, it’s always cause for concern. Fred was advised to remove his chastity belt that he’d been wearing since kindergarten and matters started to get easier after that. Wilma was less inhibited and confident Fred would find the entrance to the coal mine.”

“I understand they went to the Mud Mountain Murphy concert where Fred actually put his arm around her. Usually he has his hand on a Nestea Diabetic Sensitive Iced Tea. But I also want to talk about the other news breaking incident, the whereabouts of Miles Crabgrass.”

“Way ahead of you, Tom. He’d been in the trenches in Alex’s room since Connecticut won the NCAA Tournament. Personally, I couldn’t last that long in my Fruit of the Looms in the Cruise’s boiler room but Miles Crabgrass is a strong kid. He has to be the way his own plot has been jerking his chain the last few weeks. Mud Mountain Murphy took pity on him and spent the money that Fake Ravi Shankar swindled from the Cruise’s concert promoters as part of the Hope He Gets Life In The Brig Fund to get new clothes at the Cruise’s Consignment Shop. He even had Miles Crabgrass play the cowbell on ‘Them Muddy Boots’. Everybody was clappin’ and gettin’ happy until Mr. Crabgrass came in and gave Miles Crabgrass the belt and grounded him until Guy Fawkes Day. It’s been a long day but progress was made. For how long, well, that’s up to those who invest in plots with as much meaning as restrapping the chaise lounges. It might get exciting. Might. Back to you, Tom.”

“All right, thanks, Thurman. That’s our report for now. Let’s send it back to Milford, already with no progress.”

Pea Ridge. No better conversation than to have one over an ash tray that was sold by Barney’s Pub because the amount of protozoa and pathogens were overtaking the Family Room. Time to clean house.

BTW, what IS Gil drinking? Beer, I’ll bet. Okay, Dad’s Root Beer, but hey, it’s BEER. Gil and Kaz are still in decadent mode. We’re bending the rules but who cares?

“What do you know, Gil

Are you in the know or are you a solid bringer-downer?

Listen here, Cami

Take it slow, let me show you just what I mean

Are you hep to the jive (yes, yes)

Are you hep to the jive (yes, yes) “

“HOLD IT!!!!!!!!! Tays, if you want to take a Personal Day, all you have to do is ask. And get your parents out of my office. Cami and I have birth certificates to go over.”

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Miles Crabgrass Rescued After Carelessly Scaling The Cruise Line’s Smokestack!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Cruise Spokesperson: ‘Coach Kaz has been commissioned to provide security to preclude further incident. The Mud Rooftop Concert will go on as scheduled and Miles Crabgrass appears okay enough to play the French horn on Conway Twitty’s ‘Hello Darlin’’’.”

Please don’t tell me that cigar and ash tray are perched on that rickety railing. Thank goodness, we’re not at the Leaning Tower of Pisa or guests still filing into Kaz’s Stag Party For Losers Like Gil would have Muriel shards all over their heads by the time the elevator hits the 63rd floor. Kaz just nonchalantly leaves this conversation piece dangling like a modifier? Somebody better insert a comma splice on this one or there’s going to be a law suit due to “cigar receptacle negligence”.

Nobody went to Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium (Launching Pad, baby) back in the ‘80’s and perched their ash tray on the guard rail at the mezzanine level. Who wants to have ashes in their hot dog or on their kids’ Braves pennant souvenir? Nobody that I know of smoked their cigars and left their ash tray on a rafter at the old Boston Garden next to Tommy Heinsohn’s retired number. The janitor wasn’t about to use Endust to remove the stains of a Championship banner won by K.C. and Bill. Nobody sat in a chairback in the upper level at the old Hoosier Dome smoking stubby smelly Tampa’s watching the Colts win on Marshall Faulk’s last-minute heroics. Marvin Harrison with ashes up his butt? You wish.

Maybe the bartender at Barney’s Pub had ashes all over his bar glasses but that’s another story. Hopefully not a story dragged back into this story. But that’s another story.

“…and give me six crap-shooting pall bearers

Let the Milford Jazz Choir sing me a song

Put Mimi’s dud golf club at the top of my head

So we can raise some Hell as we go along…”

“Honey Britches Love You In Stitches Rose Bush George Bush Lemon Lime Lovey Dovey Willie McCovey, are you sure those are the words to ‘St. James Infirmary’?”

“Mr. Dr. Pearl, this tunemeister promised to rev up the song a little bit if I promised him a job mowing the front lawn of the school premises. How could I resist scratching his back if he was scratching mine own person? It was a win-win.”

Oh sure, let’s spice up this non-spicer by bringing in somebody who couldn’t literally could locate the strike zone and was involved in a situation where Gil actually WON the argument with the umpire. Boy, talk about Fantasyland. I thought we were done with Alice in Wonderland.

But nooooooooo, let’s go ahead and let the blind literally lead the blind and find a way to beat Luke Loser at the Valley Conference Finals. Like who ELSE is going to be there if we want travesty and far-fetchedness, mixed in with a pitching coach who will bring his seeing-eye dog to the plate to argue the ump’s strike zone? Bobby Plump and the ‘54 Milan Indians?

And I can imagine the slurs coming from Luke Loser

“Open your eyes, you’re missing a good game!!!!!!”

“Is your seeing-eye dog housebroken?”

“Tell your pitchers ‘Don’t aim it’.”

“Don’t help him. A walk is as good as a hit.”

“I should have told Coach Kim to wear reflective vests on our uniforms.”

Oh, you really cut deep on these bon mots, Luke.

“We’ll return to see if Gregg Hamm has what it takes to teach the Ephus pitch to the Mudlarks and frustrate the heck out of Luke Loser after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

On the Glenwood Cruise Across Heehaw’s Octopus’ Garden in the Sea

“Mimi, I finally have Heehaw tucked into bed. She really enjoyed Mr. Murphy. She sung right along with Charlie Pride’s ‘High on the Mountain of Love’. Now it’s time to engage in war and I intend to destroy the Fortress Around Your Heart. This Elongation Therapy that the Cruise Line Medical Team prescribed really got me harder than the biscuits on the Cruise’s buffet table.”

“Oh, Gil, Sting couldn’t have sung it better. What are you waiting for, Big Boy. The bed’s too big without y-uh, it appears your manhood is no longer than a Blue Turtle.”

“Mimi, you can’t go back now. We’re like Fred & Wilma, two persons fused as one. I’ll prove it prolonging my cobra into your Mammoth Cave!!!!!!!”

“Fred could unite with Wilma because he took those EREC-6513 Non-Stick Sure 2 Penetrate The First Time tablets like I’ve been begging you to since the Mud Mountain Murphy Plays The White Album Unplugged concert. I’d rather not get attacked by a pool stick. Your manhood disappeared like Dr. Rex Morgan the past few weeks. But he’ll return once the plot instills a measles epidemic on this ship and he gets sent out on a rowboat to treat all the 3,674 passengers. It might take a while but shorter than your manhood to recover.”

“Mimi, you’ll take my Knight in Shining Rigidity and like it!!!!!!!!! They told me at the Temporary Medical Station that my person will stretch longer than Miles Crabgrass being bogged down in his Hanes for the last four weeks in an alligator pit. My anaconda knows no boundaries and is ready to strike!!!!!!”

“Gil, your anaconda couldn’t loop around Heehaw’s wheelchair. Why don’t you cut your losses and go see Earth Wind & Fire at the Midnight Show? I hear they’ll be playing the story of your life ‘After The Love Is Gone’.”

“Woman, I will not be insulted like this!!!!!!! I know what it takes to be a man and when I wrap my boa constrictor around your finger, I will be your master. Now get moving under the sheets, slave!!!!!!!”

“I am not going to be a slave to a Simon Legree who left his whip on the jogging track. You have no authority and your manhood needs a lifeline thrown out to it because it’s longer than that tubing between your legs that you plug into a Bunsen burner.”

“Prepare to meet your maker, Mrs. Thorp!!!!!!!!! I will dip below in a lap of luxury-“

“And I read the brochure. The Elongation Therapy only guaranteed six hours satisfaction. What time was your appointment this morning?”

“Bingo. They say you get what you pay for and I was wondering why I softened when they served the prime rib at supper. I took those tablets that Mimi wanted for me and I noticed the difference immediately. We have been having more fun than Fred & Wilma playing Uno on the deck recliners and Mimi hasn’t cried ‘uncle’ yet. Thank God, Milford Men’s Clinic was on board and saved our good times under the sheets. Come to the Clinic today and buffalo your wife tonight. Isn’t that better than watching Crabgrass ever end an enigmatic plot? I sure as heck think so. Only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, thank you for your patience. You have been good t-“We interrupt this post to bring you a CNN Special Report. Our roving reporter, Merle Hacksaw, is live at the Glenwood Cruise where we understand Fred is in recovery at the Minor Emergency Clinic due to shock administered when Wilma removed her clothes. Merle, what can you report so far?”

“Tom, Fred’s heart rate is stable after jumping 100 points and experiencing aortic obstructions when he attempted to remove his sexual inhibitions and trying to prove to Wilma that his manhood wasn’t hibernating…”

Big Girls Don’t Growl.

Big Girls don’t growwwwllllll (they don’t growl)

Big Girls don’t growl (Gil says they don’t growl)

Some Girls whacked it goodbyyyyyyyyyyyeeeee (goodbye)

Gil’s Girls got whacked by (don’t wonder why)

(silly Gil) Told Gil’s Girls Goshen walked it off

(silly Gil) Even tho it’s Milford’s trough

(stupid Gil) Then Keri said with a howl

Big Girls don’t growl

Gang, hating to beat a dead Gil in the ground and soon to be a dead plot if we’re not too careful, but today is Exhibit A of the complaint of many of the readers have launched towards Henry Barajas. Yesterday we’re at Milford Baseball Field, today we’re watching a softball game and if yesterday and today are one and the same, we’re in a Land of Confusion. Then matters get compounded badly if this is a walk-off by the opponent since if we’re still on Mudlark turf, that would be impossible unless special arrangements were made before the game. But that smacks of ridiculous

“Hey, Coach Gil, we’ve been thinking. We don’t want to win the old-fashioned way; we’d rather win on your playground but YOU don’t have a last at-bat. We want to walk it off with a 6-run grand slam. I hope that’s not a problem.”

“Not a problem at all. We welcome failure at our ballpark. Just look at Heehaw. The only difference is that she pays admission. I’ll have a talk with Coach Ochoa as soon as she announces the starting lineup for WDIG. Good luck.”

Henry, I like your style and stuff but I gotta call it like I see it. I feel like I stepped into Alice in Wonderland. Is Dr. Pearl going to come to each game shouting “Off with Gil’s head!!!!!!!!”? I can handle Heehaw coming back from the dead but with a strong possibility that softball was played on a baseball diamond because The Queen’s myrmidons were engaged in a Valley Conference Croquet Tournament on the softball premises is turning into the farcical aftermath that just plainly reeks of bad math.

What’s next? The Mock Turtle will be taking Gregg Hamm’s place on the mound? Will Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum be taking the reins of the baseball/softball teams, depending upon which week the baseball plot falls on or vice versa, depending on whether the softball plot falls on an odd-numbered day? Whoops Daisy, looks like Tweedle Dee and Dum (hmmmmmm) are already at the helm. Just flip a coin which day one of them turns in the scorecard. Moreover, I better be careful here. I’m beginning to sound like the plotline.

Is the March Hare scheduled to take Inma’s place for defensive purposes? Read on, if your sanity is sitting next to Heehaw in the bleachers. Make sure her wheelchair is locked so she doesn’t roll into the Smokemaster.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer, Depending On Whether The Cheshire Cat Is Sitting On An Oak Tree Or In Heehaw’s Lap

“The Four Seasons Finalize The Contract With Milford Entertainment Promotions!!!!!!! Will Perform At The 7th-Inning Stretch Only During Baseball Games!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The Traveling Wilburys Will Handle Softball Duties.”

REX ALERT!!!!!! REX ALERT!!!!!!!!

It is Day Umpteen that Rex is MIA which is leaving plenty of room for Mud Mountain Murphy to admit he got shafted by some sham who was trying to turn ol’ Mud into Ravi Shankar. Safe to say he wised up so now it’s taking two weeks (give or take a week by Mock Turtle’s standards) to bring closure that ol’ Mud won’t be playing “Them Muddy Boots” with a sitar. I wish Fred & Wilma wouldn’t be so goddam arrogant and offer a cocktail as a Goodwill gesture but we’ve been burning a lot of oil and it’s been three weeks that Fred & Wilma have been sitting in those chaise lounges, when Fred wasn’t dragging Dr. No out of the South Pacific, and who wants to see burn marks on Fred’s butt when he’s trying to enhance his sex life with Wilma? Or Gil in the next compartment? You get the idea.

And Crabgrass finally learned he can wear clothes and not be confined in his Fruit of the Looms for a month. I’m glad a lot of dots are being connected. I’d hate to see Fred in his boxers for a month slurping on Margaritaville. You can understand.

We still have the KRAK!!!!!! to deal with. One Alice on the Baseball Diamond That Is Inexplicably Playing Badminton scenario at a time. Now if Gil pulls a Crabgrass on us and pulls Dorothy while he’s publicly displaying his Fruit of the Looms, go ahead and call 9-1-1. We don’t want a lot of confusion swirling around the BaseSoftball premises.

KRAK!!!!!! sounds like something The Gryphon makes when he’s trying to PUT ON Fruit of the Looms. Nothing like a mythical creature bending over and showing Plumber’s KRAK!!!!!!!. I guess we can break tradition and not call it a CRACK of the bat but KRAK!!!!!! looks like something attacking Starship Enterprise.

At the Milford Cineplex

“Star Trek VII: The Wrath of KRAK!!!!!!!”

Just don’t let Dr. Spock die off and I’ll go through the turnstiles. Maybe kill off Miles. Do I really want to see him and Dr. McCoy running all the spaceship, both in their Hanes, panicking because Khan took the back entrance to strangle Sulu? Fred & Wilma in their underclothes beefing with Captain Kirk because Mud Mountain Murphy KRAK’D and won’t play anything but Def Leppard material? This is a family strip, Folks.

Glenwood Cruise Lines Bulletin Board Announcement

“This Evening!!!!!!! At 6:00PM!!!!!!!!

In the Glenwood Maniac Mark Lewin

Pro Wrestling Hall!!!!!!!!!

Mud Mountain Murphy & Coach “The Undertaker” Thorp

versus

Jerry “The King” Lawler & Herk the Mauler

Rhode Island Death Match w/ Texas Tornado Rules

Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart, Special Referee

Loser Must Leave The Cruise Line And Get Left On The Isle of Elba.

A Midnight Madness Concert featuring Mud Mountain Murphy Formerly Known As Lemuel plus The Archies will take place after the match.

Don’t miss it!!!!!!!!!!! BE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Big Girls don’t growwwwllllll (they don’t growl)

Big Girls don’t growl (tho Cami said it’s okay to growl)

(silly Gil) Shame on you, Keri Thorp said

(silly Gil) Look at you, you’re growling in bed

(dumbass Gil) Go get dressed, take your crying towel

Big Girls don’t growl

Whoa now, Keri, coming from the same person who rung out Dorothy the other day because she was, well, growling a lot the other day, only with the ball. I hate it when somebody says “It’s just a game”. I never take any loss personally but as Coach Stuard once told me, if the scoreboard is on, I’m trying to win. Otherwise, turn off the scoreboard. I really don’t need your lectures.

What I tell people is, always have something to fall back on. If the winning stops, unfortunately you’ll lose your job. That’s why you have a degree in hand. As Coach Stuard also told me “It’s just as important to be happy working in a factory as it being happy in the dugout”. So compete but leave it at the diamond. Get on with Life, otherwise.

In Dr. Pearl’s office with Amos Milburn serenading with “One Scotch, One Bourbon, One Beer”

“Coach Thorp, some kid is running around in his underwear. Can you account for his identity?”

“Oh shoot, I forgot, Milford Elementary was on a field trip here. Miles Crabgrass must have slipped past security. I’ll call the Pinkertons now.”

I think this plot sucks and is in dire need of improvement. Whoever thought of this needs to go back to journalism school. My God, The Knave of Hearts could write better in his Calvin Klein boxers, um, er, wait a minute, this isn’t the beginning. Can somebody point me in the direction of the rabbit hole?

It looks like Dorothy has fire ants all over her but I don’t believe that is part of the Alice in etc. landscape. It wouldn’t seem that The Queen of Hearts would wear head gear like Keri is currently displaying unless the former is bracing herself for all of Scotland to attack Windsor Castle. Whoa, looks like Dorothy is sweating a few Dormouse’s too. I can’t tell, we might be in “Through The Looking Glass” already. Blurry plots will do that.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Bob Gaudio Declines Invitation To Assist Coach Thorp With Teams!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I’m happy writing for The Four Seasons plus I don’t which team Gil is referring to.”

What is Cami (we’re assuming) talking about???? Like crying in the dugout is the main topic at Coffee Cantina. I remember when I was a route driver, I used to make a stop at this pharmacy in a town smack dab in the middle of the Corn Belt that had these farmers’ wives and old ladies in a room where they’d catch up on the town gossip. I doubt that girls whining and growling after a loss was the center of debate in this room. Sure, let’s discuss girls bitching about the coach’s incompetence over coffee and farm-grown popcorn. Makes perfect sense to me.

Furthermore, does anybody really believe these old ladies will press their luck and explore the virtues of letting your emotions run all over the infield? I heard Socrates and Plato might attend this Agora in the Bible Belt. Yeah, let’s put Cami in her place and make her pay for trying to coach both and doing justice to neither.

“The Goshen Gryphons walk it off on a forfeit. I’m not sure what transpired between Coach T and the Goshen coach but the less we know how meat and Valley Conference Rules are made, the better our appetite. I’ll have final stats in a moment after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Golly gee, Wilma, I don’t know what’s more thrilling, reading ‘The Lobster Quadrille’ or getting geared up for Lawrence Welk Plays Stone Temple Pilots in the main auditorium at tomorrow’s 6:00PM show. And Mud Mountain Murphy added a new song to his set list, ‘The Walrus and The Carpenter’. He promised free tickets for the 1:00 Brunch at his Sunday Matinee if he didn’t play ‘Them Muddy Boots’. Doesn’t this all sound exciting????”

“Oh Fred, I’ve had way too much excitement sitting in those beach chairs the last three weeks. Thank goodness that that scam artist threw himself in the ocean or my derrière would have needed more Preparation H because my hemorrhoidal tissues would have swollen to the dimensions of a racquetball. I have chaise lounge burns all over my person.”

“Well, I can read about ‘Gil and The Frog Footman later’. Right now, I proved I was a man out of bed by rescuing that scoundrel when the Coast Guard was playing croquet with The Dormouse. Now, after three weeks of sun and fun and some meditations on ‘The Rocking Horse Fly’, it is time to be a man under the Friendly Confines of this bunk bed. Prepare to meet your match, Wilma.”

“Oh Fred, you are so X-rated. I knew watching Lenny Bruce on video instead of Tennessee Tuxedo would stimulate your sexual arousal. Come into the Valley of the Doll-oooooohhh, did a shark bite off your manhood?”

“Wilma, I’ve been on the exercise bike all afternoon because my foot fell asleep from sitting and listening to Mud discussing how to get around that scum’s Miranda rights. Plus, I did extra sprints on the pedastal so I could bulge up and get solid for my matrimonial duties.”

“Your manhood looks like it’s been exercising on a tricycle. It’s a shame that Dr. Morgan went south on us because I’m confident he could have prescribed ED medicine that would enrich the sexual prowess of Bill the Lizard. Why don’t you pop in another Richard Simmons Aerobics To Eliminate Flabbiness Where It Really Counts DVD and you might have love handles around your person but it would be still brick-solidified in the core.”

“Now see here!!!!! I will not have my honor become disposed of in the guacamole dip!!!!! We already have one problem get sent to the brig and I’m about to send another one down the hatch with my luscious reinforced fortress imposing my will upon Khartoum. Now proceed to part the waves of the medulla oblongata so Custer’s army can advance on the Mohicans.”

“I would rather The White Rabbit jump on me. At least that’s soft and fluffy. I don’t want to get sexually assaulted by Droopy the Dog. I have some Certs here in my purse. Its new aphrodisiac is guaranteed to kill bad breath and increase blood flow in the bedroom so I can feel violated by a rose bush. I will feel conquested, not consequenced. It’s more fun to receive the impetus from Arnold Schwarzenegger and leave Alfred Hitchcock to his theater.”

“Wilma, I demand satisfaction!!!!!!!!! I will use the same weapon on you that I used in Alexander Hamilton!!!!!!! We will commence duel at 0500 hours sharp tomorrow.”

“How did you manage to procure one?”

“I found it in that scumbag’s wig.”

“That’s odd. He said your manhood and Mud’s old ‘45’s were there too. Fancy the coincidence.”

“I surrendered. I’m glad I did. The shoe shine man gave me a tip and told me that Milford Men’s Clinic had an outlet on this cruise line. Once I received my thorough examination, I was informed I was their 1,000,000th customer. I won two tickets to see Mud Mountain Murphy Sings The Police Because The Bed’s Too Big Without You Tour right after the Shuffleboard Scramble. I could have my cake and penetrate it too. Life is good. Come receive your own torte and get overwhelmed every time the maids clean the linens. Only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Big Girls don’t growl

Big Girls don’t growl

“OFF WITH HER HEAD!!!!!!!!!”

Gang, now I know why. God bless you.