This Week in Milford

April 24, 2018

“This is CNN live at Milford’s gym in the 28th day of the bargaining session and little progress has been made. Over to The Weather Channel across the gym for the start of the new plot.”

Filed under: Milford Idiots, Pointy Fingers, song parody — tdrewhardin @ 4:19 am

042418

…where the wavin’ wheat

can sure smell sweet

when the wind comes right behind the

rrraaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Plunking head with an aluminum bat) Sorry, gang, for a moment my mind was on vacation and my brain was working overtime in Oklahoma (sorry to butcher your lyrics, Mose Allison, I’ll check out your anthology at the library this week to make up for it). As in Oklahoma! You know, the musical. The exclamation mark is not a dead giveaway? Meanwhile, back in reality, Gil fast-forwarded from Studio 3 at WDIG to record (Gil doing back-up vocals as a tenor) with an up-and-coming K-Tel Records performer(should hit his stride on the commercial circuit between Archie & the Gang and the ABC Afternoon Special in about 3 years when not doing commercial breaks for WDIG at Boys/Girls basketball games) over to the gym and the plot already has a dead battery. Weren’t we just AT THE GYM??? Why are we still there? Oh, so Moose can start a new career teaching physics. Arguably better than his chances as a baseball player since we saw his football ambitions, well, let’s just say that at least we’re expecting Marty back by Mother’s Day. Besides, perfect opportunity given the weather. No sense in explaining launch angles in the batter’s box. You’d get soaked. Let’s not display the proper angle to go yard while swinging in Oklahoma!

And if Ernie the P and his buddy, Polly Parrot are hangin’ around in the gym-who’d REALLY be surprised?-ANYONE?-he and she (the parrot, of course) can videotape his golf swing. Sure, how to park one in the bleachers (the gym’s, not the ball park’s, it’s Oklahoma! weather, remember?) using proper trigonometric principles. Well, Marty’s not there to film Arnold “Moose” Palmer, he’s gone another 2 weeks.

Now, Physics is Phun in Baseball aside, can’t someone remember to PLEASE get a Sears Die-Hard Battery next time? If it can start in the throes of Antarctica, surely it can fire up in this flood of a storyline. And remember, we’ve already cornered the market on Noah’s Ark and there was no flooding in Oklahoma!, just rain, so Gil needs to rewire the Die-Hard to something more original. I think the Milford Pirate Network camera still has a charge.

Gang, you knew I’d have leftovers. Here’s that Totino’s Supreme Pizza that got abandoned for days in the fridge and got resurrected in the microwave

The radio voice in parentheses, just so you’ll know (or care), is Mr. Pocket Square Sporting Radio Station Manager/Brother Mary Elephant (teenchy’s take or mine, not offended in the slightest if you take his (sniff, sniff, getting out a handkerchief of my own))-pick ’em. From Paul McCartney’s album “Ram” (no, the donkey(BIG maybe, I’ll admit, just use your imagination, it’s a farm, understand, so pretend you have a Mattel See ‘n Say in your hands e. g. “The Cow says ‘Mooooooo'”, “Marty says ‘Eeee-Yore, Eeee-Yore'”) in the background isn’t Marty, in case anybody’s wondering),

We’re so sorry, Uncle Marty (We’re soooo sorry, ol’ chum)

But we haven’t heard from The Dove all day (just like her basketball career, dear boy)

We’re so sorry, Uncle Marty (we’re soooo sorry)

But if they grant us some concessions, you’ll be airing any day

Moooonnnnn across the airwaves

‘Larrrrrkkkkksss across the gym

Moooooooonnnn across the airwaves

‘Laaarrrrkkkkkksss across the gym

McCartney guitar lead-in

Admiral Gil Thorp notified Moon

He had to take it back or his job would take a swoon

He stuffed his face with beer nuts and drank a glass of beer with butter pie (he couldn’t melt the butter so he dumped it in the glass of be-)

Mooooonnn dead in the water

Mooooonnn a-splayed the lounge

Mooooonnnnn dead in the water

Moooooonnnn reeks like a ‘hound

Another McCartney guitar lead-in

Little Little Dove brought him to the ground (to the ground)

Marty lost some face and it’s still yet to be found

Little Little Dove crucified him good(nailed him good)

Marty Moon is so disgraced and besmirched the neighborhood

Mooooonnnn dead in the water

The music fading at the Milford Lounge, the jukebox coming alive with Dean Martin’s “Houston”

“Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry

When I take you in the surrey

When I take you out in the surrey with a friinggee on toppp

Watch the fringe and see how it flutters

When I drive them high-steppen strutt-”

“MOOSE, GIT OFF THE TOP OF THE DUGOUT AND GIT YORE ASS BACK IN THE GYM. THAR AIN’T GONNA BE ANY TWO-STEPPIN’ OUT IN THE RAIN. YULL KETCH PNEUMONIA”

“Kaz, I think Aunt Eller will work out fine as a coach. You might want to inform her of our coaching philosophy on profanity. It’s somewhere in the Milford High School Coaching Manual but I forgot where.”

Seen in the March 2018 issue of Guideposts: “When I’m getting attacked on all sides from a bunch of pukey teenagers that don’t know their BLEEP from a hole in the ground about broadcasting, I have a simple solution: I make my bed. Several confrontations between me and Coach T. have meekly melted away when I pull the twill covers over the sheets. I managed to avert danger once when Gil charged to his trunk to get his Winchester rifle when I said a Pony League Manager could have done a better job of coaching that hit-and-run against Oakwood by a deft flick of the pillow covers over the bed spread. And when I told Paloma my fuzzy car dice around the rear-view mirror was bigger than HERS? I may have had to go to the Milford Load-a-Suds to wash the egg-stained satin sheets after Peaches served breakfast-in-bed but victory was eventually achieved after a healthy supply of Tide. I pulled those sheets over the bed and did a Victory Lap. Talk about gaining a foothold on the Philistines.”

“Oh, what a beautiful morning

Oh, what a beautiful day

I got a wonderful feeling

Marty is going awaaayyyyy”

“Gil, that wasn’t nice. You know Marty and Jud will be back off suspension in a few weeks.”

On Free Meal Wednesday at Milford Open Fellowship Church: “Eccchhh, they put too many peppers in the chili again!!!!!!! And I HATE rye bread on the pimento sandwiches. So as I was saying, tell Paloma, sure, she can have a guest spot on the show. I’ll concede that position. But only after we win. Fans don’t want to listen to a parrot squawking after we got our asses handed to us. Hey, is there any more Chocolate Curl Cream Cheese Cake or did you throw it out?”

“And that’s gonna do it for the 3rd quarter. I have no clue what happened. I’m still a little light on the basketball lingo. I DID identify correctly a 3-point play when an Oakwood player pulled on Aardvark’s gym trunks as the A went up for a layup so YAAAYYYY for me!!!! Still fuzzy on things like ‘correctable error’ or ‘defense responsible for contact when vertical plane is violated’. Eh, I’ll let the Milford Injury Attorney sort that out. The score after 3, Milford, 49, Oakwood, 41, this is Ernie the P comin’ atcha in Milford’s gym on the Milford Pirate Network, a division of Lear Field Sports.(heard off the air just before commercial break) Can somebody get the janitor? The parrot just doo-doo’d again. Who fed him nacho chips ‘n’ cheese sauce while I was broadcasting?”

“Hi, this is Coach Gil Thorp and y’know, practices can get real intense. Then there’s game time. When the ump says “Play Ball!” your adrenaline is really pumpin’. Your nerves can be on edge throughout the game and it can get dicey, win, lose, or draw. And when a tall glass of Lowenbrau at the Milford Lounge isn’t enough, I head to Milford Liquor Warehouse. That’s right, check out all the varieties from Drewry’s Low-Sodium Lite in 24-Packs to Bluegrass State Bourbon. Man o Man, I know what booze I’M going to be sloshing with Mimi in those shot glasses we received as a wedding gift 30 years ago when we watch the Kentucky Derby on the wide-screen TV this year. And for all you wine lovers, boy, are you in for a treat. This week’s special features Boone’s Farm Blueberry Surprise, a real lip-smacker, and you can smack those lips at 3 bottles for only 10.99. Easy-open pop corks that are also biodegradable. Boy, THAT’s a surprise. And Mudlark Dom Perignon 2009 Gift Box, straight from the vineyards of Milford Valley, is sure to please that champagne-and-cheese crowd at the next family reunion or graduation party. We have it in stock for the jaw-dropping 219.99 and that includes the corkscrew, autographed by Yours Truly.  If you are short on funds, like I am sometimes, doggone it, it’s always a toss-up between Michelob Mini’s or my personal golf lessons, don’t worry. The Milford Liquor Warehouse takes all major credit cards. Why let The Good Life blow out your car window because you are strapped for cash? By the way, they also have shopping carts guarded by trained security so they don’t wind up in a ditch behind Milford Elementary. It doesn’t get any better than that. Come see the friendly staff at Milford Liquor Warehouse for all your Liquor needs, in the Milford Wal-Mart Shopping Center, right next to Luhm Electronics. And tell ’em Coach T. sent ya.”

“Let people say we’re in looovvveeee”

“OK, Peaches, then it’s settled. If you dump Curly, we can take advantage of that Mudlark Lake Resort special, you know, pay for 2 weeks, get 1 week free. I promise I’LL make the bed. Nobody but us and Mother Nature out there. Whattya say?”

Gang, fire away. I’m going over to Milford Liquor Warehouse to float a loan to Marty. He tried to buy that Dom Perignon for that outing with Peaches but the suspension evidently ruined his credit. He used to run up a tab there until he swore on the air. Now they won’t even extend him a Diet Coke in the Teetotling Cooler up front.

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April 17, 2018

Ohhhhh, Marty, you bankrupted this plot. But you have a free spin token, so spin again!!!!!

Filed under: Gil Thorp, hideous scar faces, Mimi Thorp, Prairie Style Windows — tdrewhardin @ 1:54 am

gt04172018

WHEEL!!!!!!!!!!! OF!!!!!!!!!!!!! FORTUNE!!!!!

That’s right, gang, Pat Sajak and Vanna White have invaded Milford High School Gymnasium to promote the famous game show. And what better way for WOF to nurture a grass-roots feel than to invite Milford’s own to be contestants? Once a Mudlark, always a Mudlark, even if they have to spin a gigantic wheel to win thousands of dollars/vacations to The Bahamas/consolation prizes to prove it. The screening process turned up 3 worthy contestants, Marty Moon, Mimi Thorp and Vince Packard, and this should be interesting, given all that Marty has endured. C’mon, gang, Marty can’t be crying in his beer at the Milford Lounge forever and does anybody honestly picture him next to Humphrey Bogart at the Boulevard of Broken Dreams? Didn’t think so. I wouldn’t even paint him in that portrait with those dogs playing poker that gets sold on a roadside stand somewhere. Marty puffing away on a Muriel cigar next to some ruffian boxer who’s also smokin’ a stogie? Marty better have a winning hand.

Especially when we’re still attempting to dig ourselves out of this plot via the-parking-lot-aka-bargaining-table method. Hey, I guess NAFTA, SALT II, and the Yalta Conference (“Sure, Josef, you can have Czechoslovakia if we can take Austria. Oh, damn, I lost the keys to my Ford Explorer. No problem, I have a spare in my briefcase.”) were discussed in the asphalt jungles of your nearest soon-to-make-history-in-encyclopedias-everywhere city, so why not Puerto Rico and/or the fate of Marty’s radio career? And why not the asphalt jungle of Milford?

Before Gil and The Dove, with HOR-hay as an Official Witness, sign ANY agreement (Marty Moon’s broadcasting career realigned in exchange for world peace, I’d say that’s fair), let’s NOT KID OURSELVES as Gil and Mimi are doing in P3. As they walk down the streets of perhaps the Business District of Milford, after intense negotiations in the asphalt jungle (we’re talking Milford, I understand, but work with me), they apparently need to be reminded of the raison d’etre of WDIG. The station isn’t throwing a lifeline to a fellow shark because WDIG is compassionate to a JAWS who forgot how to swim. Peace, Love, and Happiness is for the ’60’s, concepts that don’t apply to a muckraking operation that is ‘DIG. Unless Peace, etc. is subordinate TO the profit ledger. Then Flowers in your Hair is OK as long as the utilities in the building are paid. PEACE and PROFITS walking hand-in-hand, Gil? Did you ever see JAWS and Lassie walk down the aisle of a chapel to exchange wedding vows (…’til death do you part?”     “I do.”)?

Therefore, if anybody’s been dying to know what Marty’s been up to when he’s not feeling sorry for himself, I mean, okay, so nobody’s losing sleep over this one but, hell, I’M DYING TO KNOW, how’s that? You think I like Gil in a parking lot doing a sting operation with The Dove and Jorge CONCERNING MARTY??? Surely Marty kept himself busy. Actually, believe it or not, he did.

“So, Marty, tell us a little about yourself.”

“I’m a DJ and sports announcer for a radio station. I do play-by-play for high school sports.”

“Wow. That’s interesting. There’s an ugly rumor you got suspended?”

“Totally false. I have been on the job for 60 years and only called in once. My jeep broke down out in the woods and my CB player was on the frizz and I forgot my CB handle. A farmer in a nearby soybean field gave me a lift on his combine and I eventually made it back to Milford.”

“Good deal!!!!!! BTW, what is your CB handle?”

“It’s an original. Just call me ‘Dead Flowers'”

(Awkward pause)

“Well, Vanna, when we take a tour of the town after the show, don’t forget to put roses on HIS grave. Oh, you’re still alive(nervous laughter from the audience, Vanna impatient to turn the letters. It’s a Phrase). Marty, why don’t you get us started and spin the wheel?”

TH– —T R—– —K-

“200 dollars.”

“Is there a ‘Z’?”

“I’m sorry, Mimi, there’s no ‘Z’. Vince, it’s your turn.”

Sppppiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

“Wow, big money, 800 dollars.”

“Is there a ‘C’?”

“YES!!!!!! There IS a ‘C’. If Vanna will get her ass over there, okay, that’s better. We only have a 1/2 hour in this gym.”

TH– —T R—– –CK-

“I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

“Sure.”

“THEY SHOT RIBALD COCKS.”

“Nope, I’m sorry, that is incorrect. Marty, back to you.”

If ya lost that vacation to Acapulco, complete with dancing senoritas that sing like Speedy Gonzales and hotels that cost the GNP of Guatemala with beaches so pristine that you CAN drink the water, because ya lost on “Wheel of Fortune” because ya forgot there’s a ‘C’ in MEXICAN REDNECK, ya might be a redneck.

Gang, I’m a Classic Rock junkie but I have a special addiction for my Rolling Stones. From the album “Sticky Fingers”(the one that shows Coach T.’s crotch shot once you unzip it) comes a song that sums up the relationship between Marty and Ernie. As Ralph Kramden once said to Norton, awaaaaaayyyyyy we go

While you’re sitting there

In your silk-upholstered chair

Broadcasting live for WDIG

I hope you won’t see me

In my ragged company

The parrot done left me in abject poverty

Take me down, Little Ernie

Take me down

I know you think you’re the king of

the high school grounds

And you can send me dead flowers

When I am fired

Send me dead flowers on the radio waves Send me dead flowers

When I retire

And I’ll never forget to put roses on

your graaaaavvveee.

Well, while you’re sitting back

In your rose-pink Cadillac

Calling the game on Milford Playdown

dayyyyyyyssssss

I’ll be at the Milford Lounge

With a needle that I scrounged

And a Natural Lite to take my pain

awaaaaayyyyyyyy

Take me down, Little Ernie

Take me down

I know you think you’re the king when

I’m not around

And you can send me dead flowers when I’m buried

Send me dead flowers on the radio waves

Send me dead flowers when I’m married

And I’ll never forget to put this plot into the grraaaaaaaaaavvvvvvve.

TH– —T R—-Y –CK-

Sppppiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnn

“500 dollars”

“I’d like to buy a vowel.”

“Go right ahead.”

“Is there an ‘E’?”

“YESSS!!!!!! There is one ‘E’. Vanna is there to get it turned around.”

TH– —T RE—Y –CK-

“I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

“I’m with you. Solve it.”

“THE BLOB REALLY ROCKS.”

“Uh, no, Mimi, you might wanna check the board again on that one. Vince, over to you.”

“Hi, this is Coach Steve Boone, speaking on behalf of Milford Gentleman’s Club. Practice can get real intense and the plot, as you can see, can be pointless. Sometimes I have to work overtime, with basketball overlapping into Opening Day of my beloved Cubs. That’s why I love the lap dances of Milford’s finest ladies. They help me unwind and forget about the game films Coach is incessantly showing. I’m a Cameo Coach, not Dick Vitale. But rather than lose my job and say “Freeze it, Gil!!!!!”, I turn to the hottest acts in Mudlarkland with ladies like Annie Aardvark cha-chaing on stage, twirling her son’s coxcomb to “Don’t Leave Me This Way” or Penelope Pearl proving age is just a state of mind, gettin’ it on to “What Have You Done For Me Lately?” How she boogies and keeps her beehive is a club secret. While you’re scratchin’ your noggin over that one, check out the club’s 1/2 price daiquiris from 7-9 PM every night. I’m thirsty already. And you’ll also be hungry for love and get it satisfied at the place that’s literally hoppin’ for your business. Come check out the ladies at the Milford Gentleman’s Club and as a bonus catch Hellfire Heather lap dance the owner while twirling a football. Just call her the Meadowlark Lemon of the Gentleman’s Club. She never fumbles!!!!!! Us Cameo Coaches taught her well. And if you poop out from the ladies like Hellfire, and who doesn’t occasionally, there’s wide-screen TV’s all around the club. It’s nice to know that when Gil can act out of character and be a donkey about the Veer offense or a generic play like the double out right, split formation, halfback wishbone option left, single screen off the right tackle, that I can flush that down the toilet and go watch my beloved Cubs. They have toilet paper too, 2-ply jumbo rolls at that, in case you’re wondering. But don’t take my word for it, come on down to the one place exclusively for men where playmates are not restricted to the basketball court and their uniforms really give you a reason to cheer on the team.”

TH-S —T RE—Y S-CKS

Spppppppiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnn

“Hey, ALL RIGHT!!!!!!!! You landed on ‘Win a Trip to Mudlark Lake Resort'”.

“Is there an ‘L’?”

“YESSS!!!!!!!!! THERE ARE THREE OF THEM!!!!!!!!! If Vanna will get there in time. That’s what happens when they only pay minimum wage. And LUCKY YOU!!!!!! I hope you have a special someone in mind.”

TH-S -L-T RE-LLY S-CKS

“Peaches, if you’re watching this, I’m willing to kiss and make up.”

“And Peaches, whoever you are, if you can rescue Marty from the Milford Lounge and land him to safety at this resort, you deserve this trip. Just don’t take the Titanic to get there(audience laughter, Marty shooting daggers at Pat). All right, Marty, what do you wanna do?”

“I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

“Why not?”

“THIS BLOT REALLY SOCKS!!!!!!!!!”

“Noooooooo, I’m sorry, Marty. Mimi, it’s your turn, spin the wheel.”

Spiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnn

“Oooooohhhhhh, just passed that ‘Bankrupt’ sign. Lay it on me, Mimi.”

“Is there a ‘P’?”

“YESSSS!!!!!!! One ‘P’.”

TH-S PL-T RE-LLY S-CKS

“I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

“GO AHEAD!!!!!”

“THIS PLOT REALLY SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!”

“YESSSS!!!!!!! WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!!!!! Johnny, tell Mimi all the fabulous prizes in store for our contestant!!!!!!!!!”

“A BRAND NEW BRUNSWICK BAYLINER MOTORBOAT!!!!!! Yes, dump that Radio Flyer of a craft that your husband’s been sandpapering for the last 25 years when he’s not teaching his daughter how to putt…”

Gang, fire away. Marty’s consolation prize is 2 free passes to the Milford Gentleman’s Club. Marty wanted me to tag along. Being a Christian, I had my reservations. But Jesus drank wine with the sinners plus I’ve never seen Hellfire Heather twirl a football to “Sweet Georgia Brown” while lap dancing. The talents we never knew we had.

April 10, 2018

“Marty, it was just a bad dream. The plane didn’t crash.”

Filed under: Just plain sad, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 3:34 am

041018

Hmmmmmm. Gang, I’m never one to say “I told you so” but just a couple of days ago everybody was rejoicing and singing “Ding Dong, the witch is dead!!!!!”. Now, a lesson all of us who are teenagers or have been teenagers learn, many times THE HARD WAY, is that once you overthrow the despot, make sure you have a suitable replacement.

Give credit where credit is due. Though I admit I satirized the MPN and the ramifications thereof, I admired, and still admire their ability to settle the issue in a peaceful manner. And effective at that. Karina and Duncan had built a better mouse trap.

And let’s not kid ourselves, gang. Marty’s an ass. And should he return, and from all indications, based upon where I believe P3 is taking us, that looks like that’s a strong possibility, he will continue to be an ass. Gil rescued from the Titanic the one person who was a thorn in his side who second-guessed his EVERY coaching move for decades and will CONTINUE to second-guess him once they reach dry land. Gratitude is not in Marty’s vocabulary.

“My career got a second wind. And I owe it all to the one man who put Milford athletics on the map. His keen eye for detail plus his ability to lead kids to The Promised Land just floors me. I am truly sorry for being such a low-lying snake and a true-blue vermin to him for years but I fully intend to make restitution.”

Well, anyway, that student breaking the Fourth Wall in P1 has a nice smile.

Ooooookkkkkkk, gang, I tried to hold it in but the song demons got a hold of me and this is the result. Sung to the Beatles’ “You’re Gonna Lose That Girl”, I have a unique spin to Marty’s relationship to Karina/The Dove and vice versa. I took liberties with song structure so you’ll have to overlook my lyrical peccadilloes.  Without further ado

You kicked her in the face

And dragged her in the mud

You think you’re pretty cool

And such a macho stud

You’re gonna loooossee that girl

You’re gonna loooossee that girl

You’re gonna loooossee

THAT GIRL

You need to apologize

And simply eat your words

Or they’ll can you at ‘DIG

And then you’ll lose your shirt

You’re gonna loooossee your shirt

You’re gonna loooossee your shirt

You’re gonna loooossee

YOUR SHIRT

Guitar and banjo interludes backed by the Foggy Mountain Boys, Coach Kaz blowin’ on the whiskey jug

They’re having quite a blast

It’s all at your expense

Hugs, high-fives, they celebrate

Oh man, it’s so intense

You’re gonna goooo to H-

SCRATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, gang, I think you get the general idea. We have Born-Again Christians in the audience. Gotta keep it clean.

Heard at a speech at the Milford Civitan Club:

“Gil, there were times I doubted your ability to coach. Scratch that, just about ALL THE TIME, I didn’t think you knew your butthole from a hole in the ground about what you were doing. But when you pulled Danny Tippett out in the second quarter so he wouldn’t get that 3rd foul and he just dominated the rest of the Playdowns, well, this Bud’s for you, Gil. Oh, and so’s this Coach of the Year plaque. I used my Visa card at Milford Trophy Supply, number one, because they wouldn’t take American Express, but secondly, you deserve something special. I would have thrown in a bottle of champagne because you are the creme de la creme in the coaching ranks but Dr. Pearl reminded me that you can’t bring alcohol on school property. Anyway, congratulations, Coach.”

If you wuz goin’ to the Milford High School prom and ya find out yore pickup truck that ya smuggled from Cuba won’t start and ya use every tool imaginable and get down and greasy and pick apart the engine only to find out it was a loose battery cable end, then trip the night fantastic with yore 357-pound date even as yore tuxedo and corsage is caked with 10W40, ya might be a redneck.

“And another masterful job of Gil coaching the Milford Girls Basketball team while Mimi’s in Miami Beach at a coaching seminar. Good Lord, he can deftly coach the screen-and-roll no matter which gender. Paloma ran that backdoor to perfection. Coach T. just caught the Oakwood coaches with their pants down, literally.  There’s an Official’s Time Out to give time to rectify the situation and so we’ll go to break. The score with 2:54 left in the 3rd quarter is Milford, 41, and Oakwood, 28. This is WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

“Gil, that last load of laundry got me really horny. The kids are at the Kiddie Caravan Putting Clinic sponsored by the Milford Golf Course. Let’s have a quickie.”

“Sure, Mimi, I have a price list from The Bucket right here. We can order online. What sounds good? A Bucket Burrito? Strawberry Bucket Split?”

“Gil, let’s have sex.”

Choking on his Bud

“Are you sure that’s the last load? I didn’t see my jock straps in there. I gotta have one ready before that badminton tournament tomorrow.”

“Gil, I put a whole pile of them in the top drawer in the dresser. And wasn’t that tournament next week?”

“Um, yeah, I got that mixed up with strip bowling at Milford Lanes.”

“STRIP bowling???”

“Yeah, yeah, you take off an article of clothing for every gutter ball you roll. Thank God the kids aren’t playing in that one.”

“Gil, why would you need a jock strap at a bowling tournament? You only need one anyway. And with your 263 average, you won’t strip past your bowling shoes.”

“Um, er, you sure you washed EVERYTHIING? I didn’t find my Milford Garage Builders softball shirt. I forgot we had a game at midnight. Gotta hit the Milford Batting Cages. Do you have any spare tokens?”

“Gil, why can’t we get it on and charge up your game?”

“Oh, Man, Mimi, you know when we get down and dirty, I always wind up dipping my shoulder when I swing at the plate. Those pop-ups to the 3rd baseman just KILL a rally.”

“That was Gil several weeks ago and he was in a world of hurt, people. Hi, this is Coach Shaw on behalf of the Milford Men’s Clinic. Gil was no fun at practice, always belly-achin’ about his misadventures in bed. He had trouble humpin’ a pillow, so you can imagine what things were like with his wife. Or maybe you don’t wanna know. Well, I’m gonna tell you anyway, assholes, even if I can’t say that on the radio. I’m allotted only so many lines as Cameo Coach so I’m gonna make the most of it. Mimi was helpless watching Gil trying to air a flat tire with a coin-operated pump, inserting quarter after quarter and the little reader still at around 10 pounds psi. Gil would finally throw down the air hose disgustedly on the bed and just pull the covers over his head in embarrassment and turn the other way from Mimi. She had to be the one to turn out the lamp. Finally, after slamming his foot on a tackle dummy in anger and one Lord’s-Name-in-vain too many, in front of the sophomore practice team to make it worse, I HAD to confront the Commander-in-Chief. “General”, I said, “You need to go through the checkpoint at the base and head down to Milford Men’s Clinic. They take all major insurance and your sex life will improve. Look at it as Nautilus equipment for your phallic symbol.” And by golly Miss Molly, he took the plunge. Now he’s plunging in bed and Mimi’s enjoying those cannon balls and all the splashes that come with it. Damn the torpedos, full speed ahead. But don’t take my word for it. Check it out yourself. If ya have trouble finding it at Milford Mall, the  info booth in the center of the mall will happily steer you in the right direction. What do you have to lose, men? Swallow your pride and give it a ride. You know I did.”

I want to give a shout-out to Roth’s Pizzeria in Elberfeld, Indiana. Ryan Roth, the owner, loves people, has a charismatic personality, a spicy sense of humor, and makes some damn good food. His only fault is he is ALWAYS razzing me about my favorite college, NFL, and NBA teams (ha ha). Gang, if you’re in the neighborhood and he’s open, swing on by, you won’t be disappointed. A little out of the way, I’ll admit, but worth it. I miss ya, Ryan. You were FUN to work with at TJ Maxx. Let’s continue in Heaven, My Man. You da Man.

“What great coaching maneuvering ol’ Coach T. engineered. For years, I questioned his knowledge of the playbook. He looked like he was diagramming plays from ‘The Idiot’s Guide to Chemistry”. But his basketball coaching acumen is priceless. I can’t wait for baseball season. Gil will have that squeeze play executed to perfection by the end of August. And his pitching staff will be fully developed. They’ll have command of the fastball, curve, and slider in time for the plot to run its course. And he still has time to teach his kids how to get it on the green at the Milford Golf Course. The man’s a genius.”

Gang, while I am shoveling the doo-doo out of the gym, fire away. You make it happen.

And as an extra, I thought I’d sum up Marty’s situation(couldn’t guess from the title?-ha) with this video. You longtime Yes fans like yours truly and even you whippersnappers will enjoy this. Thanks to timbuys for the help. His point is well-taken. If you’re a frequent flier, you might get the jitters here. As I told him, I admit I’m a coward too(ha ha). Be that as it may, partake.

April 3, 2018

I’d buy 1000 @$&#% boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese from the Milford S mart!!!!!!!!

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 3:09 am

i180403gilthorp

Gang, Marty’s in trouble. There’s an old Chinese proverb that says that when a man raises his fists, he has lost the battle of wits. And Marty lost. Big time. One thing any coach learns when coaching any sport is NEVER stoop to the level of a kid. Either return fire with a winning comedy routine or a winning game plan that’ll shut ’em up or just plain SHUT UP. Hoo boy, Marty’s in trouble.                           But I’m still not convinced that Marty will be deleted from the strip. We’ve had good arguments either way from our readers but 10-15 commercials, many of them alternating between Milford Men’s Clinic and Milford Feed & Grain Supply plus a rerun marathon of “Bewitched”(If I were to interpret “’60’s show” loosely to include TV) is not enough evidence that Ernie the P will be the first person in 60 years to topple Moon Enterprises. You never know but I’ll bet they’re gonna beat this horse to death, gang. One thing we do know NOW.  Based upon Coach Kaz’s wording(faintly possible TV angle again)who’s to say they aren’t broadcasting Mudlark games from satellite in Taiwan? There must be a Mudlark fan base in Taipei. And I thought WDIG was just a mom-and-pop outfit.

Ooooooooookkkkkkkkk, with Ernie the P on accordion, Karina Klown on banjo, Paloma on rhythm guitar, Dr. Pearl on percussion, the parrot doing the back-up vocals, a one, a two, E the P, you start off

E the P “If I had a million dollars”                     KK “If I had a million dollars”                       E the P “I’d have Marty’s head on a silver platter”                                                               KK “And not the platter you buy at Tractor Supply”                                                               E the P “And if I had a million dollars”               KK “If I had a million dollars”                       E the P “I’d build a tree fort in the gym”             KK “Hey, it’s not being used a lot anyway” E the P “And if I had a million dollars”             Everybody, including Polly, in unison         “I’D DITCH THIS PLOTTTTTT”                            E the P “If I had a million dollars”                        KK “We’d take over at WDIG”                            E the P “If I had a million dollars”                     KK “Plenty of office space for you and me”

E the P “I want Marty’s old pad”                   KK “NO FRICKIN’ WAY!!!!!!! I’m not cleaning up Brother Mary Elephant’s cigar butts he threw on the floor”                              E the P “Then go occupy Anonymous Calculus Dude’s pad. It has a nice view of the Milford skyline”

E the P “If I had a million dollars”              KK “If I had a million dollars”                       E the P “I’d hit the nightclubs where Aardvark does his thing”                                      KK “Haven’t you wondered what’s happened to him lately?”                               E the P “And if I had a million dollars”             KK “If I had a million dollars”                       E the P “I’d buy a set of golf clubs and learn from Gil”                                                        KK “He only teaches his kids, you know it’s true”                                                                   E the P “And if I had a million dollars”               Everybody mentioned above, plus Mrs. Aardvark, Coach Shaw plus all the other cameo coaches in the ’80’s-’90’s era, Luke Bunkin as a throw-in, altogether now                                      “I’D DITCH THIS PLOTTTTTT”                            E the P “If I had a million dollars”                     KK “We’d crash The Bucket every day”       E the P “If I had a million dollars”                      KK “Dump coins in their jukebox and press ‘play'”

E the P “Just puh-LEASE don’t play Slim Whitman’s “Jailhouse Rock”. That yodeling upsets my stomach when I’m downing a Bacon Bucket Burger Kraft Macaroni ‘n’ Dijon Ketchup Combo”                                                           KK “BUT HE WAS #1 OVER IN ENGLAND!!!!!!!!!!”                                                  E the P “Yeah, but did they have to listen to that song a million times in a row?”             KK “No worse than reading this plot a million times in a row”                                   E the P “Speaking of which…”

Everybody mentioned above plus the Milford cafeteria ladies who are our unsung heroes since nobody knows them by name and feeds the starving Mudlark contingent all the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese boxes left over from the song                 “I’D DITCH THIS PLOTTTTTTT”                     E the P “If I had a million dollars”                         KK “IF I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS”           E the P “If I had a million dollars”                       KK “IF I HAD MILLION DOLLARS”               IF I HAD A MILLION DOLLL-LA-LA-LA-LAHHHHHH-ERS

I’d be Gil

Dr. Pearl: “Gil, the principal of Jefferson High School just called. He and their athletic director are upset that Kraft Macaroni boxes were thrown at their players and fans. You might want to address that at the pep assembly this afternoon.”                                                    Gil: “Way ahead of you. Luhm’s in there now with the industrial vac and I will warn them that Milford Pinkertons will be scattered throughout the gym at Friday’s game with Tilden. They can also make a donation of a Kraft Macaroni box at the door for free admission plus a raffle ticket for a chance to win a 3-day stay at Mudlark Lake Resort. Proceeds will go to Milford Food Pantry.”                                                           Dr. Pearl: “Fair enough. Here, have mine. I was going to take it home and mix it with Hamburger Helper but the streets of Milford need it more than I do. Now what are we going to do about Marty?”                       Gil: “Let it cool down and drag the plot another 2-3 months, then have another pep assembly where Marty can apologize. I can take the high road and ride to the rescue in Marty’s defense. School in July isn’t real life but who’s gonna notice?”             Dr. Pearl: “BTW, who won between you and Jefferson?”                                                         Gil: “I don’t remember. I was too busy taking the high road.”

If ya git pulled over in yore pickup for a DUI and you failed the breathalyzer test cuz the Kraft Macaroni ‘n’ Spam on yore breath gave away the 3-times-over-the-limit tequila in yore bloodstream, ya might be a redneck.

Aired for the 7th time after Marty’s faux pas

“…I’d be Coach-for-a-day on Thorp’s staff” Coach Shaw bangs off the CD player and dials the phone in the kitchen.                           “Um, Yeah, this is Coach Shaw. I’d like to cancel that reservation on that single cabin on Lake Lot #27. Yeah, I’m sure, yes, I know there’s a waiting list-”                              “Honey, what are you doing?”                       “Uh, let me call you back!!!!”                                  SLAM!!!!!!!!!!                                                           “Honey, why are you canceling that 5-day trip to Mudlark Lake Resort?(She gets closer) Don’t you want to get more intimate?”                                                 “Well, uh, I’m going on a hunting trip with the guys. Me and Joe and Coach Kaz and Don and Randy and Earl and…”                         “Earl’s in the hospital with hip replacement surgery, remember?”                    “Yeah, THAT’S RIGHT. Anyway, …Gene and Clem and Carl…”                                                     “Are you having trouble getting up?”                “Hell, no, my back’s been a lot better lately…”.                                                                   “That’s not what I meant.”                                    “Dear, We’ve been waiting A WHOLE YEAR to hit that new Fish & Wildlife Area in the county and they say the place is just crawling with white-tails, antelopes, squirrels, gophers, mallard ducks, skunks, bears, jackrabbits, crows, moose, bison, rhinos-“.                                                  “There’s rhinos around here?”                          “Sure, I got my permit at the Milford Outdoor Shoppe and my deer license is still valid.”                                                               “Honey, it’s April. Deer season ended 4 months ago.”

“That was me, Coach Shaw, many months ago. I knew I needed to ‘fess up about my Erectile Dysfunction when I told her that bow season for buzzards only lasted a week. I could only stretch the truth so far. It was time to get my you-know-what down to the Milford Men’s Clinic to fortify the other side of my you-know-what. And you know what, hyphens aside? I called the resort back and kept that reservation!!!! I’m glad I did!!!!! I even shot an 8-point at Milford FWA. It’s a great day to be a man!!!!!!!! And not a great day to be Marty Moon!!!!!!!!”

Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer

“Barenaked Ladies suing Ernie the P and Karina the Klown over copyright infringement!!!!!!”

sub head line

“Canadian group threatening cancellation of concert at Milford Outdoor Theater if matter isn’t resolved in court.”

“Gil, what’s a monkey doing in our garage? He ripped up one of the bags and there’s grass clippings all over the floor.”   “Sorry, dear. Couldn’t help myself. I had a little over from that inheritance. I’ll go sweep it up.”

Tomorrow will be the 50th Anniversary of the assassination of Doctor Martin Luther King Junior. The man, while alive, chose to overcome hate with love, a Christian example for all to see. All he wanted in the end was the ability to eat at the same dining table as the white man. Equality is more precious than gold. As U2 sang

Early evening, April 4                                     Shot rings out in the Memphis sky               Free at last, they took your life                     They could not take your pride

Please complete the mission.                         Spread the word.

Gang, have at it. Be a Good Samaritan/Simon Legree with Marty as your mood dictates. I’m going inside Milford Mall and close out some late Easter shopping. I think Goody’s has a few green dresses left-WHOA, what the heck’s Ernie the P and KK doing in front of MM performing with The Salvation Army Band?

E the P “I’d buy Mimi a green dress”       KK “But not a real green dress, that’s cruel”                                                                      E the P “And if had a million dollars”      KK “If I had a million dollars”                      E the P “I’d buy the faculty lounge a chesterfield or an ottoman”                           KK “How ’bout Principal Ek’s remains on display in the lobby”…

To be continued, but don’t hold your breath

 

 

 

March 29, 2018

HOLY COW!!!!! THIS IS ERNIE THE P COMIN’ ATCHA LIVE AT THE MILFORD GYMNASIUM!!!!!!!!!!

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 2:13 am

ERNIE THE P BACK IN WRIGLEY FIELD WHERE THE MILFORD MUDLARKS TAKE ON THE CENTRAL CITY GENERICS. THE GENS ARE 4-1 IN THE CONFERENCE, A FULL GAME UP ON THE MUDLARKS. BUT WHAT DO I CARE ABOUT CONFERENCE RACES WHEN WE HAVE ONE OF OUR OWN WITH WDIG? OH, BTW, BEFORE I TALK TRASH WITH MY OPPONENT, A QUICK NOTE, JORGE PADILLA HAS ANNOUNCED OVER SOCIAL MEDIA THAT HE WILL BE TRANSFERRING TO HAGAR THE HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!! HE’LL LITERALLY BE A VIKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND MARTY’LL BE HANGING ON THE WALL LIKE THE SPOOK IN THE WIZARD OF ID. IN FACT, THERE HE IS NOW NEXT TO THE 1987 CITY BOWLING CHAMPS BANNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WELL, THE CONSOLATION PRIZE IS THE BOWLING BANNER ISN’T HANGING UPSIDE DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET’S GIVE HIM A ROUND OF APPLAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Uh oh. Marty has competition based upon the Mandarin Chinese headline of the Milford Star(Milford Enquirer was in Beirut on assignment, FYI). Aside from the apparent Oriental contingent setting up in a given neighborhood in M’town, Brother Mary Elephant is chargin’ at Marty and this time he’s not brandishing the paddle. Marty, swing those ratings back to WDIG or it’s the guillotine for you in Milford Commons at the crack of dawn. And, damn it, read “Spanish-The Cortina Method” to brush up on your pronunciations.                                         Now happy endings and Marty Moon meld like the Bucket Triple Cheese Burger and Clorox Bleach and, admit it, gang, you’d love to see the head of Marty Moon at the end of a sword they surrendered at Appomattox but really, it ain’t gonna happen. And Milford Pirate Network take over on a regular basis? Ernie the P’s gonna perform his comedy act, pirate hat and all, at a random football game this coming season in a driving rain with football players sloshing just to get a first down, let alone touchdowns? He’s gonna take his whole caravan to a Milford Mudlark girls basketball game? Good luck with that. They’ve shown up this season about as many times as the Yeti. Better check the schedule first, Long John Silver. It gets kinda dark when there’s nobody there. Acting the fool has a price.                 And once upon a time, Gil was there to ride to the rescue and save this plot from losing its head but he must have gotten swept up in the French Revolution himself. He and Mimi held hands at their double execution. How touching.                 So Marty is left to fend for his life, at the mercy of a group of teenagers and we’re talking not just MILFORD teenagers as the comedy troupe has amassed an audience from the rival schools. So that’s how Duke can beat North Carolina or vice versa. Put on a Pirate top, grab a random cell phone camera, and get the Cameron Crazies or the Dean Dome to work up a sweat and VOILA, we done kicked your ass and walked out of your place with a W. Gil, take notes here after they’ve paraded your head through Les Rues de Paris. It’s for your own good.                                         And this ’60’s Batman-Camera-Angle crap might have worked when the Joker was discussing with the Caped Crusaders how he was going to nuke Gotham City but it is HORRIBLE at Milford(or any random high school) athletic venues. Not only is HOR-hay understating the obvious(“With all due respect, MARTY?-whoa, better get another Fresca out of the fridge to calm the nerves) but P3 could arguably pass as a friendly game of HORSE between the 2 gentlemen were the court not distorted as a rough draft of an Atari draftsman’s idea of a shuffleboard tournament.

ALL RIGHT, MUDLARKS, LEMME HEAR YA, GOOD AND LOUD                                                  TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME                  TAKE ME OUT TO THE CROWDDDDD               BUY ME SOME PEANUTS                                       AND CRACKER JACKS                                             I DON’T CARE IF I EVER-                                      Jarell Atkins puts down his cell phone camera and taps ERNIE THE P on the shoulder                                                    “Dude, we’re playing BASKETBALL against Madison.”

If ya wait until after duck hunting with yore compadres in the swamps of Nicaragua to declare for the NBA Draft because Duck Season in Nicaragua don’t synchronize with Duck Season in Georgia, ya might be a redneck.

“ERNIE THE P HERE AT GOSHEN HIGH SCHOOL WHERE OUR BELOVED MILFORD MUDLARKS ARE PLAYING!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’D LIKE TO THANK J-Q CASE FOR TAKING A T.O. FROM HIS NBA CAREER TO BE OUR GUEST DJ. HE’LL BE SPINNIN’ THE NIGHT AWAY!!!!!!!!!! DOES ANYBODY HAVE A REQUEST????                      “Yes, I have one. How ’bout ‘Turn out the Lights, The Party’s Over’?”

Maybe it’s just me but did Brother Mary Elephant go to French Lick, Indiana to their vacation resort and bathe in Grecian Formula? I hope he didn’t let his children go to the kiddie pool. I’ll concede he’s made a little progress since that ass-whuppin’ he gave Marty a week and a half ago.  The black streaks are beginning to sneak through. Gives his latest ultimatum with Marty more pizzazz. It oughta be coal black by the time Marty is ferried across the River Styx.

ERNIE THE P TALKING WITH ARTHUR FONZARELLI OR AS YOU MUDLARK FANS CALL HIM, THE FONZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!.                         “Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy”                        SO FONZIE, YA THINK WE CAN BEAT CENTRAL CITY?                                             “Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, with Richie the C runnin’ the point, we should have no problems. And Potsie has done a good job takin’ up the scoring slack since Georgie Pie left. And, man, can he jump. Think HOR-hay can leap? Heyyyyyyyyyyy, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. You shoulda seen him scorin’ on Paloma. But I’ve been wribbuh, wribbuh, oh man, that word that starts with a ‘W’.”                                             NO PROBLEM, FONZIE, WE’VE ALL BEEN WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT THAT’S WHY WE’RE EXPERIMENTING WITH THE 3-TO-MAKE-2 RULE TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! MILFORD’S FREE THROW PERCENTAGE WILL SHOOT THROUGH THE ROOF BY THE TIME J-Q SPINS “RAPPER’S DELIGHT”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DOC, YA GOTTA HELP ME!!!!!!! I’M STUCK IN THIS DECIBEL LEVEL!!!!!!!!!!                                    “No problem. We got plenty of Robitussin in the cabinet. We once had to do the Heimlich Maneuver on Dick Vitale but that’s very rare.”

One more Women’s History Month entry to add to the collection and I PROUDLY add that it is Margaret Bourke-White. She was a very controversial photographer not so much because she was taking pictures in a man’s world, although she had her share of battles, but she would take them in the heart of the battle, many times literal battles. Her stunning pictures of WWII helped influence how America would fight, or any nation would fight, for that matter. She managed to take pictures of Stalin, Gandhi, Patton, etc. when they were in their private moments. Sure, prove they’re human. I have ALWAYS been stunned by her black-and-whites, there was always an eerie element to them. Check out, for example, her photos of the Golden Gate Bridge or a young Marlon Brando and tell me you’ll be the same. Her pictures could truly crawl under your skin. Please spread the word about a VERY beautiful lady who died too soon, Parkinson’s Disease overtaking her. Thanks for reading.

GANG, FIRE AWAY!!!!!!!!!! DREW THE T IS GOING TO PAY A VISIT TO ERNIE THE P AT MILFORD STATE HOSPITAL. THE PSYCHIATRIST SAYS IT MIGHT TAKE ABOUT 6 MONTHS TO GET HIM DEPROGRAMMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

March 27, 2018

“Live from Milford!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s Saturday Night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

032718

ALL RIGHT ALREADY, MILFORD PIRATE NETWORK, WE GET THE POINT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is this even GIL THORP anymore?

In name only, at this juncture, as we’re not only running late with basketball but, all we’ve seen the last couple of weeks essentially is Ben Hur fending off the other ancient Mudlarks in the chariot races at the Milford Colosseum. Will the Coneheads be at Homecoming? And now we’re forced to endure Marty and any enemy Gil has had to stomach the last, say, 50 years, caught as the victims of the Milford Lion Carnage Festival. That one was originally run at the Jerry Pulver Student & Athletic Life Center at Milford High School before they moved it, now also at the M’ford Colosseum due to logistics problems. Storing lions in the visitors locker room got to be a hassle.

And nobody appreciates good comedy more than me. I grew up on Fernwood 2 Night and laughed until I was sick, they were so funny. But when I want to listen to my favorite team, high school, college, or pro, I’M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR BARTH GIMBLE TO PERFORM HIS COMEDY SPIEL FOR 4 QUARTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, if you like Steve Martin doing his King Tut rendition(“Born in Babylona, raised a Milford Mudlark, KING TUT”) on the radio while you’re cruising the streets of Milford, more power to you but SOME OF US DO WANT TO KNOW THE FINAL SCORE!!!!!!!!  And now the coup-de-grace is this parrot on Ernie’s shoulder. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’m only imagining the trade at the Milford Pawn Shop. Yeah, he squawks great, here’s the 1975 Boys Basketball State Championship trophy plus a couple of Lady Mudlarks Holiday Tournament plaques. He’s been spayed and had all his shots, right?

“Well, I’m a ramblin’, a ramblin’ guy, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, OH NOOOOOOOO.”

“BOOM BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Way to feed the color man off the play-by-play. That’ll win an Emmy for sure.

If you work for Captain Kidd after being shanghai’d from the Caribbean and are inevitably forced to walk the plank because you were stricken with excess plumber’s butt while loadin’ the cannon, ya might be a redneck.

Many out of our commentators have expressed a legitimate concern about Jorge and Paloma disappearing off the strip. I believe Jorge is still on the basketball team so we’re safe there. He didn’t transfer to Oakwood nor opt for the NBA Draft. But while this stand-up comedy routine with the basketball game for dessert overshadowed our original cast, WHAT DID happen to Paloma? You would HOPE she played more basketball, they need her controlled assertiveness but, gang, I’m not holding my breath. I think I know.

At The Bucket one afternoon:

Paloma and her friends engage in some vigorous gossip about all the boys in the school over cheeseburgers and shakes. Not one has escaped crucifixion.

SUDDENLY, 2 male adults with funny accents swagger into The Bucket. The Festrunks have arrived in Milford at last.

“Oh my God. Look at those dweebs. Was their grandma on meth when she knit their pants?”

These 2 swingin’ guys pass on Dr. Pearl in the corner booth, because a woman that uses Super Poligrip, Zinc Free, to eat a Double Bucket Burger, extra horseradish but no mayo, is not in their future. They hone in their panoramic view towards Paloma & The Gang.

“FOX-ESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!”

They come sidling over to the table while Paloma and her cohorts push the panic button. The anti-dweeb meter is spinning so out of control, it’s produced 5 Bucket Brigade Blueberry Smoothies. Karina is about to throw her Patty Melt Bucket De Luxe at them but a tablemate grabs her wrist.

Anonymous Calculus Dude steps in.

“Are these guys giving you any trouble?”   The Bucket’s afternoon manager intervenes in the nick of time and steps in front of ACD. The latter was in the next booth, in the middle of devouring his Bucket Catch of the Day Catfish-Platter-and-Buffalo-Fries Combo(tartar sauce extra).

“Sir, it’s OK, I’ll handle this. Just have a seat and cool off. All right, gentlemen, no idea what country you’re from or who you are but take a seat and order or there’s the door.”

“Yortuk, he doesn’t know who we are? We showed them our Green Cards at the Milford Town Hall.”

“Hey, Georg, we’re in America. There’s no Bucket in Bratislava. We got to put our best foot forward.”

Together they proudly proclaim, “We’re 2 wild ‘n’ CRA-ZEE GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Paloma resists Georg’s advances. They finally sit down at the next booth and order the Bucket Borscht Supreme. There will be another time, as long as the Milford City Clerk grants an extension on their Green Cards.

Jerry Hubbard, the color man for Marty Moon on WDIG “We have to take a station break, this is the Milford Basketball Network on WDIG”, the Fernwood 2 Night theme song helping the broadcast get to break.

At 10:25PM, MST (Mudlark Standard Time), on a random evening at Coach Shaw’s Ranch-style abode, in his bedroom

“Whew!!!! Dear, I snarfed too many barbecued-iguanas-on-a-stick. I GOT  to dump a load. I’ll be right back.”

“I’ll be waiting, honey”, she responds, anticipating THE MOMENT.

3 hours later

Knock, knock. “Honey, are you okay? Do you want me to run down to Walgreen’s to get some Pepto-Bismol?”

“Nah, Dear, I just got done fixing the flotation device in the commode. I had to use my best crescent wrench to screw it back in. My ball-peen hammer was broken.”

“But, Honey, you left your toolbox in the trunk of the car you dropped off at the shop.”

“Bluh, bluh, er, um, yeah, well, I, uh, stuck a couple of tools behind the stack of Holiday Inn towels in the closet. I had to hammer the bathtub back in its socket which is how I broke the hammer. It was a dogfight, but no more sliding like you’re in the soap box derby.”

“Fine, it’s time to come to bed. You haven’t touched me all night.”

“Hang on, I gotta jolt the shower head back in place. It looks kinda crooked. Daggone it, where’s the sledge hammer?Oh, here it is, under the blow dryer. Don’t you worry, I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Honey, the shower head always bends like that. They’re made to be adjustable.”

“That was me a couple of years ago. I just couldn’t tell my wife about my little wiener on a toothpick that I had in my britches. The kids on the football team noticed that there was something wrong. One of them even handed me a copy of “Our Daily Bread”. Were it only that simple. But thanks to the Milford Men’s Clinic, I am a new man. My Erectile Dysfunction is cured and I can cameo coach the kids AND approach the bed, BOTH with confidence. I even kept the copy for new found inspiration. Stop by the Milford Men’s Clinic today. IT WORKS!!!!!!!

My final (again, reluctantly speaking) Women’s History Month entry goes to Elena Delle Donne. She is a VERY gifted basketball player who originally signed with Connecticut, a storied program in its own right, but left after only a few days. She eventually transferred to Delaware and became a major force with the Blue Hens dominating their conference and beating a few powerhouse teams along the way. Attendance naturally grew to the point where former Vice President Joe Biden was smack dab in the middle of Blue Hen Nation. Delle Donne has been a major factor in the growth of Women’s Basketball, her Jordan moves, her jaw-dropping shots, her clutch performances all promoting the sport she dearly loves. She picked up where she left off in the WNBA and has given the League solid footing from which to build. It only takes a spark to get a fire going and she’s been more than a spark for the WNBA. Please spread the word that Women’s Sports deserve a place in the scheme of things and Delle Donne has certainly done her part. Thanks for reading.

Gang, you may fire when ready. I need to go early if I want a front row seat, me and a few of my fellow hecklers are pumped for action even if it’s not basketball action. Price you pay.

March 20, 2018

Which Came First, The Chicken or the Basketball?

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Awrright, Moon, where’s your hall pass?

Now I’ve seen everything. Since WHEN did WDIG suddenly get concerned about decency and taste? Aren’t we out of character here, given the nature of the radio station? And who is this guy that’s telling Marty that he crossed one line too many? The husband of Sister Mary Elephant? Mr. Weatherbee’s second cousin, twice removed? Is he the equivalent of Dr. Pearl at Milford High School? “Did you hear ol’ Moon got sent down to the principal’s office? He got caught chuggin’ spit wads at the sound board.” Gang, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.

“And furthermore, Coach T is a wienie and needs to get a life!!!!!!!!!! His wife is a second-rate basketball coach whose team shows up every other month—”

“We interrupt this broadcast so that we might bring you “Art Blakey and his Jazz Messengers, Live at Minton’s Playhouse”.

Seen spray-painted on the outside wall of a wing of Milford High School:

“Clapton is God!!!!!!!!”

Seen just below:

“So is Marty!!!!!!!!”

If ya wind up in the ICU of Milford General Hospital because ya smeared too much Tex-Mex on your barbecued iguana and ya forgot to wash it down with a cold Mr. Pibb, ya might be a redneck.

Now, not only has WDIG inexplicably taken the high road (wash your mouth out with soap, Marty), MARTY NOW HAS COMPETITION. A pirate trying to be Rodney Dangerfield who is the spitting image of Buddy Holly (or Ernie Douglas, hey, gang, I won’t pull teeth in this one). Whoa, Marty, not only did the zombies tail your ass to Goshen to eat your flesh, THEY WANT YOUR JOB ALSO. Idaknow, Marty, aside from the fact that you may wind up in the Milford General Hospital being roommates with the careless redneck who ate one barbecued iguana too many and forgot his Rolaids you also got bills to pay. Are you up to the task? I would have stomped YES in times past but since that paddling in the principal’s office by Anonymous Cameo Dude Who Just Happens To Be The Husband of Sister Mary Elephant In Case Anybody Starts Snooping And Wondering How The Hell He Made It On The Set, I am left with more questions than answers. Marty about to get upstaged by a ragtag teenage unit bent on going neck-and-neck with him to call the game fairly and with malice towards none? Pass that Rolaids, please. Hey, I’ll admit his comedy routine might need some brushing up(“Milford PIRATE Network, Goshen, ya know, Jolly Roger on my hat, I look like Judge Reinhold from Fast Times at Ridgemont High? That’s a funny, Goshen”). He might go over their heads in Goshen(we’re talking a Mudlark opponent, they’re trained to roll over and be outclassed, not digest comedy schtick) with humor involving  pumped basketballs vs. stuffed basketballs, but in the end, the clock is ticking on you, Marty. Will the pendulum swing back?

Gang, I’m still in shell-shock over Marty Moon doing his best imitation of Bart Simpson. I thought being chewed out by the principal was reserved for Milford Elementary. Guess not. Ah, but not to worry, music ALWAYS solves my life’s conundrums. C’mon, you ’70’s crowd, yeah, you know who you are, join me in Brownsville Station’s “Smokin’ in the Boys Room”, Marty Moon style(anybody remember those Roy Orbison glasses that Cub Koda, the lead singer, used to wear? Wouldn’t they look sexy on Dr. Pearl?)

Hey, how’s it goin’ out in Mudlarkland? You ever have one of them days where it seems like EVERYBODY’S getting on your case from the Director at WDIG on down to the student body at Milford High School? Well, ya know I used to have ’em just about all the time. And this is what me and Anonymous Calculus Dude and the rest of the WDIG staff did to get out of ’em.

Sittin in the sound booth, tearing down ol’ Gil

Watching him coach, well, y’know that ain’t a thrill

The Noon tone rings, ya know that’s my cue

I’m gonna meet the staff at stall #2

Smokin’ in the men’s room

Smokin’ in the men’s room

Mr. Director, doncha fill me

up with your rules

But everybody knows that smokin’ at the ‘DIG ain’t cool.

Looked out the studio, the coast was clear

Checked in the storage closet, ain’t nobody here

We put a hold on the telephone calls

To get caught at The ‘DIG would be the death of us all

Smokin’ in the men’s room

Smokin’ in the men’s room

Mr. Director, doncha fill me

up with your rules

But everybody knows that smokin’ at the ‘DIG ain’t cool

I get assigned to read farm yield reports.

Oh, God, I mean to tell ya, I got bored

Mr. Director was looking for me all around

Two hours later, ya know where I was found

Smokin’ in the men’s room

Tokin’ in the men’s room

Mr. Director, don’t lecture me

UP YOURS with the rules

Cuz everybody knows that Marty Moon is really cool

Today’s Woman’s History Month entry is Bilinda Butcher, guitarist/vocalist for the group My Bloody Valentine. Though the group itself was sometimes beset with strife, make no mistake, her contributions and her talent kept the group on the forefront of the rock music world. MBV was part of a movement called shoegazing that involved obscure lyrics, guitar distortions that were wrapped up in a surreal atmosphere, basically music you would hear if you were dreaming. They made it work and she was a BIG part of it. Her haunting crooning and her Kate Bush persona propelled the music to great heights, not to mention her stellar and timely guitar-playing. MBV’s album, “Loveless” is on Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Albums of all time and “Isn’t Anything” is on many “1000 Albums Ya Gotta Hear” lists from SEVERAL influential publications. The Edge, from U2, is a HUGE fan of their music. Again, she’s a BIG part of that.

Take her away, gang. I’ll be giving comedy pointers to Buddy/Ernie. We should have a comedy routine ready by tipoff.

March 13, 2018

Who calls Assistant Coach Kaz, “Daddy-O”

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Fe Fe Fi Fi Fo Fo Fum

Marty got run from the gymnasium

That Marty Moon

That Marty Moon

He’s a loon

That Marty Moon

He’s gonna get tough. Just you wait and see

Why is everybody always pickin’ on me?

BOOMBOOMBOOM

Who’s always ripping all the teams to shreds?

Who’s got the personality of Mr. Ed?

That Marty Moon

That Marty Moon

He’s a goon

That Marty Moon

He’ll avenge The Dove.  Just you wait and see

Why is everybody always pickin’ on me?

BOOMBOOMBOOM

He broadcasts all the ball games foaming bile

Even if the ‘Larks win by a mile

His enemies pile up and gather ’round

AND POINT AT HIM

MAR-TEEN?

YEAH YOU!!!!!!!!!

(Milford cheering section in unison, led by Mimi Thorp and Karina Klown)

BOOMBOOMBOOM

Who’s calling Coach Thorp impotent and slow?

Who is a vulture on the radio?

That Marty Moon

That Marty Moon

Come back soon

Oh Marty Moon

He’s gonna call your bluff.  Just you wait and see

Why is EVERYBODY always pickin’ on me?

The final BOOMBOOMBOOM can be heard fading into the sewer while Marty races like Dale Earnhardt to WDIG studios, fumbles with his keys to open the door, the Milford Courthouse clock showing 1:15AM, never too early for a muckraker to type a rough draft on his radio screed but too late to catch the other Marty heading back to 1955 due to BOOMBOOMBOOMS from the flux capacitor. A lot of BOOMBOOMBOOMS with his typewriter. From Marty MOON, not McFly, so that we’re clear on things.

Gang, it was toss-up between “Daddy-O” and “Who calls ol’ Doctor Pearl, Mommy-O”. I hope I made the right call.

Wow, gang, I don’t know about you but I think Karina and Paloma dropped one bomb too many over Pearl Harbor (no pun intended). They have aroused a sleeping giant who really never sleeps based upon his arrogance and abrasiveness but what’s a blog without the obligatory cliche, right? The point is, we’re in for some more mud-slinging for the next 2 months (oh boy oh boy). Only the hog-rassling event at the Milford County Fair offers more but that’s only for a day or two. At least in the latter the winner will get a blue ribbon. But wouldn’t you know it, there’s Gil to save the day. As Jive Turkey has noted on a couple of occasions, Gil has been non-existent, especially on this issue. And the extent of Daddy-O’s coaching has been to remind HOR-HAY that there’s a game in front of the Puerto Rican Huckleberry Hound. Not a lot of cool points being dished out. STILL, sure as the mutant poplars grow out of the evergreens like the ones in the background in P1 and shed their antlers(I DID check the definition for “deciduous”, goody me!!!!), Gil HAS drawn a bead on this one after sleeping in his coffin for centuries. That explains why Marty is TOTALLY out of character in P3, continuing his ring-kissing(or maybe the kissing of Gil’s, well, never mind). Gang, I’ll keep saying it. ANYBODY thinking Marty is going to go to the altar and repent better think again. There’s been plenty of Thorpiverse neophytes who had a Euraka!!!!! moment, exclaiming to their friends down at The Bucket “Marty has found Jesus!!!!!!” The Thorpiverse veteran in the corner booth of the same venue orders the Triple Layer Nacho Bandito Supreme because he knows better. They’ve seen Judas turn over a new leaf before only to wind up back in his WDIG office saying “Vengeance is mine, saith The Moon”. Nice set of encyclopedias in P3, Gil, BTW.

If ya lay a Yorkshire flat on its back in yore Hanes imported from the factory in Tijuana and all ya git fer yore troubles is a cream pie, a sombrero and mud enemas, ya might be a redneck.

“What the-                                                              ”

Can I help you?”

“Yeah, I’m looking for Coach Thorp. Did they move his office?”

“This has been the boiler room for years. WHO did you say you were looking for?”

“Coach Gil Thorp.”

“Never heard of him. You sure you’re in the right school?”

“Yeah, I broadcasted his game last week in the gym down that hallway.”

“That leads to the cafeteria.”

“What?? No way!!!!! Paloma and her friends ran me out of the gym last week.”

“It was New Year’s Day last week. The school would have been closed. Who’s this Palooka-”

“Paloma”

“Paloma, whatever. I never heard of her, either. Who is she, someone who wanted to celebrate 1955 and went a little overboard with it at your expense?”

“19-frickin’-55!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s 3 years before Gil was born!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where the hell am I?”

“WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!!!!!!!!!

You’re on Riverdale High School property!!!!!!!!”

“And Dr. Pearl is not the principal?”

“NO!!!!! CERTAINLY NOT!!!!!!!!!! I AM the principal, Mr. Waldo Weatherbee!!!!!!!! But you can call me The Bee for short, if you like. The students do.”

“DOC!!!!!!!! THANK GOD!!!!!!!!! YA GOTTA SEND ME BACK TO MILFORD!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’LL EVEN APOLOGIZE TO PALOMA!!!!!!!!! BUT, DAMN IT, GET ME BACK TO 2018!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Marty, where did you get that goatee? Nobody grows facial hair in 1955.”

Today’s Women’s History Month entry is another personal favorite of mine, Annie Oakley. Born Phoebe Ann Mosey, she was a VERY adroit talent with the rifle, at one time defeating her future husband, Frank E. Butler, who was not too shabby with the rifle himself. She went on tour with Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show, dazzling audiences with her marksmanship. She could hit dimes at a distance, shoot a cigarette out of her husband’s mouth, hit a target from behind her, using only a mirror to line up the shot. What was neater was she would hold shooting clinics before the Wild West Show, instructing people on how to use a rifle and the safety procedures that went with it. A picture of Annie helping a young girl shoot a clay pigeon said it all and melted my heart. Annie, you did us proud and proved that women could use a rifle just as well as a man, especially when a rifle was necessary to defend yourself. Please spread the word about her as she contributed to humanity in a MIGHTY way.

Gang, have at it. I gotta go to 1955 and bail out Marty, both of them. AGAIN. Does anybody have a spare key to the flux capacitor?

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