This Week in Milford

January 16, 2020

Catch As Catch And Pass.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:58 pm

 

So much for striking while the iron is hot. Looks like Chris put his lightning rod down to go take a pee behind the bleachers.

Didn’t Coach Thorp say several days ago that when the opportunity is there, you need to pounce (his exact words) ? Look no further than today’s strip to observe that Gil’s Experiment failed. That’s right, Chris Schuring is still in the mode that when you see 10,000 Indians at Little Big Horn, kick it out. Don’t be like William Armstrong Custer and force the shot. Some refs literally call No Blood No Foul and even if there’s blood, you’re dead on the ground with 37 arrows. Then ya gotta sit on the bench for at least the next dead ball or whenever you wipe away the blood, according to the Blood Rule in High School Basketball. Sucks.

Now we still have several strips to go and even Hi “Lois Wouldn’t Be Caught Dead With That Hairdo Nor Her Brother Beetle Bailey” James was getting in on the act and exhorting to not be so unselfish. Sometimes you can dunk with Sitting Bull camped in the lane and they’re not calling Illegal Defense. So Chris might actually get out his Zippo and light it up and reach Wilt-like numbers. Hey, there’s parity not only in College Basketball but in Gil’s teaching methods. It’ll come ’round, I’m sure.

You gotta be ready when opportunity meets reality, Chris. Shoot one for the team. As Knute Rockne once said, good players come out to shoot, not watch the game.

 

If yore told ta shoot with yore shotgun at Milford Fish & Wildlife Management Area even though ya cain’t stand to watch an animal get killed but natural instincts naturally kick in and ya atomize a squirrel ya treed with yore beagles and ya wind with Squirrels ‘n’ Bits fer dinner, ya might be a redneck.

 

And what is a COOKIE doing on the basketball floor? Man, don’t the refs call illegal debris on the court anymore?

Wait a minute, that’s a BASKETBALL. One that’s collected a little too much sand at the beaches of Mudlark Lake Resort. I mean, that sphere is chock full o’ chocolate chips, Gang. Couldn’t you see the commercial

 

Pillsbury Dough Boy performing a reverse slam, a Magic Johnson no-look pass to Michael Cooper for an easy 2, a half-court heave for tickets to sit courtside behind the Mudlark bench, a baseline jumper, a Kareem sky-hook

“And the best part is, they’re still warm enough to dunk in your milk at bedtime”

Quoth The Pillsbury Dough Boy as the obligatory poke to his stomach ends the commercial.

Man, that has possibilities. When the opportunity is there, you need to pounce, Pillsbury Dough Boy.

 

The night Wilt scored 100 points, Billy Cunningham was interviewed after the game

“Yeah, me and Wilt combined for 105 points.”

 

Come to Jeff Smith Marathon in Edwardsville, Indiana. I’m tellin’ ya, as I came in to pump my gas, they were moving cars in and out of the garage to fix and get fixed. Now THAT’S busy. And Bre was there with the smile on her face and the usual courteous service. Crystal and Georgiana are always great with customers too. Heck, when I was leaving, they were still moving cars in and out of the garage. Keep that business rollin’, My Friend. And keep up the good work.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everybody knows your name. The Good People at Jeff Smith Marathon know mine.

 

shiny happy people playing D

Shiny Happy People playing D

SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE PLAYING D

 

Keep him from the hoop

Guard him Shove him

Spread the D around

Chin up Hands up

 

Move your feet in step so he won’t shoot from 8

 

Ooooooookkkkkk, REM out of the way, Gang, doncha just love it when the Shiny Happy People are always guarding the Mudlarks like in P2? I’ve heard of puttin’ on your Game Face but stapling on that semi-smile is a tad unnecessary. Everyone in the building knows you have focus. We don’t need a Smiley Face to turn up the intensity.

But you old-timers, I’m sure, are used to players with happy feet and face trying to take the Mudlarks out of the offense. But with Gil displaying his own happy visage several days after a heartbreaking loss, the Mudlarks know how to match up. The other team seems to overlook that in the scouting report. Yeah, it won’t do you any good, Mudlark opponents, if you have a coach who’s made a career of smiling for the camera when you’re staging a rally. If the bear DOES bite you, you just smile, then bite it back. Little wonder why Milford has a winning record over the decades.

And it won’t do you any good to execute a Game Face Extreme (P1) so you exhibit the intensity of Godzilla. You may destroy the town of Milford by stomping on and smashing every building in sight but Milford still more often than not walks away with a W.

 

“Gil, our house was here this morning.”

“Let our opponents do what they want, we still have the Holiday Tourney trophy.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J.’s Condo Overrun By Them!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I need to call Milford Pest Control. They even ate my Maserati.”

 

And geometry prevails once again in P2. Baryshnikov executed that ballet move in “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies.” If he can perform that coup de grace in those gym shorts the Madison defender is wearing, he’s got my vote for World Class Dancer.

The consolation prize is he still doesn’t have to worry about Chris doing any pouncing, not yet anyway. The minute Chris decides to switch into Dominique Wilkins-taking-on-the-rest-of-the-Milford-gym (dude could dunk, though, treadin’ lightly) , those gym shorts will get a serious workout. I hope the Madison defender has needle and thread in his gym bag.

 

My high school sociology teacher, Mr. Lawrence, an excellent teacher, BTW, made the astute observation in class one time that the average TV viewer had the educational level and general outlook of a 13-year-old. I couldn’t agree more.

But does Thorpiverse think he can take that one and run with it in P3? Just yesterday, Chief ‘Abbreviated Name Who Rides On Pintos was motioning as if encouraging Chris to shoot. That would make sense. Again, don’t be TOO unselfish, Chris. You need to show a little game yourself if you want to help the team win. Pounce on the grizzly while the rest of the team is holding the beast down. The opportunity is there once again.

But evidently Thorpiverse is ruining that logic put forth by Mr. Lawrence and insulting our intelligence. Some of us did graduate from kindergarten, Coach.

You don’t think we didn’t NOTICE that Chris is still pretty much being gun-shy, not that it wasn’t a pretty kick-out for a bomb that could set the tone for this game? Oh, yeah, instruct him one way yesterday, then tell him that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it TODAY. Just let that leaky pipe keep leaking. As long as we have water to pour in Mr. Coffee so that we can slurp our Eight o’ Clock Decaf, there’s no need to call the plumber, no matter how many times Gil and I have handed you the Milford Yellow Pages to get his number on the landline. I can’t wait for the instructional video to come out.

On a Jane Fonda Aerobics Workout

“Remember yesterday when I told you to sit up and down 1000 times to the music of Eric Clapton’s ‘Tangled in Love’ to  remove the flab from your gluteus maximus? Change of plans. Today I want you to stand on your head and pump those cheeks straight off the wall, music still the same. Clapton is God, y’know.”

 

And I LOVE the chunky bracelet observations many of our readers posit. That and the flying saucers, part of which we see in P3, DEFINITELY qualify for Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. Hey, I’d be a little leery if someone was chirping contradictory advice while a UFO was suspended over us and taking notes.

 

“Schuring dribbles courtside right. Down to D Squared in the low post. 13 on the shot clock. He’s double-teamed and kicks it over to Antonio Davis on the left baseline. Nothing doing and sends it back over to Schuring, 5 on the shot clock. Schuring penetrates, then kicks it back out to Reggie for threeeeeee…”

BOOM BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Whatever advice Coach Thorp has thrown Schuring’s way is doing no good here. Schuring seems to be pursuing his own agenda, much to the Pacers’ favor.”

“Gotta get after it, Chris.”

“I agree, Slick. And now Madison calls time-out to talk things over. With 4:55 left in the 3 quarter, it’s the Pacers, 75, Madison, 63, on the Fan Duel Scoreboard. We’ll be back in a moment. This is Mark Boyle on the Pacers Radio Network.”

 

“Do you need insurance but are living within a budget? Are you afraid that the police will pull you over when you can’t show your insurance card, let alone your registration? What if your house burns down after the toaster malfunctioned from an overload of Pop Tarts?”

Hi, this is Mr. Dr. Pearl. Some of you know me as the husband of the principal of Milford High School. But what you don’t know is that when she and I got married, we were unsure how to finance our insurance. Renting out a residence at the Versailles Palace wasn’t cheap and neither was renter’s insurance. Thank Heaven the pros at Milford Farm Bureau Insurance were there to offer a policy that covered everything up to the sateen covers on the bed. Good thing, I didn’t want to sleep with my wife on the couch we financed from The Salvation Army even if renters insurance covered that as well.

But Milford Farm Bureau Insurance also sells automobile insurance. And did it ever come in handy when my Model T collided with some kid in his Trans Am blasting James Brown’s ‘It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s World’. The company not only underwrote the engine overhaul, the kid got fined several thousand dollars for violating Milford City Noise Ordinance.

And for you business owners, golly, are you in luck. Milford Farm Bureau Insurance is headquarters for workplace insurance. When a factory worker fell in the vat at Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Enterprises, the worker received Workman’s Comp and Gil received a check to recover piece of mind. Tighten the bolts on the metal stairway along with assurances of no more accidents that went beyond a Band-Aid, and the check was as good as in the bank at Milford Federal.

Come down and talk to one of the agents and see how Milford Farm Bureau Insurance can help you get started on a policy that won’t strain the pocketbook. You owe it to yourself to see all the amenities they have to offer. Me, I’m glad me and the missus don’t have to share the toilet anymore. That’s correct, even the bathroom’s covered on our homeowner’s policy.

Milford Farm Bureau Insurance. People who care and dare to show it with their great rates and service. People like you and me who all agree Gil should be run out of town. Well, they don’t have a policy on that. Yet.”

 

Thanks for your patience, Gang. Things got busy but FINALLY able to kick it out to Muench Man. God, he better make it.

 

Heard after another take on Shiny Happy People video

“Keri, let Jaime ride the tricycle for a while.”

 

Jack La Laine on TV one morning

“Come on, Grandma, I know I told you to run in place yesterday but today I want you to do some knuckle push-ups. We’ll tone up those stomach muscles one way or the other.”

 

January 14, 2020

“In Other Words, If You Want To Make Honor Roll This Semester, You Have To Reach Double Bonus.”

Filed under: basketball, Boredom in Milford — tdrewhardin @ 1:59 pm

011420

This is the city. Milford USA. It’s a city like any other city, it has its parks, residential areas, factories, shopping centers, and schools. But unlike other cities, this city contains a high school with a gentleman who coaches multiple sports and sports multiple absences. When he does appear on the scene, sometimes questionable activities appears in his rearview mirror. The fans have long since tolerated his inept attempts to lead the kids to victory. I’ll smoke my Camels in the Milford Police Department break room and read the racing forms and bet on the winning horse at Milford Downs.

But when he oversteps the line and ethics and the law are in double overtime, that’s when I go to work. My name’s Friday. I carry a badge.

 

It was a typical winter day in Milford. Lots of sunshine but a hint of a blizzard was in the forecast later this evening. There were a lot of frisbee golfers out at Milford Frisbee Range taking advantage of the balmy conditions.

My partner, Bill Gannon, and I were assigned to the Academic and Sports Fraudulent Operations & Enterprises Division of the Milford Police Department. The boss is Captain DeMarco.

We had been informed to be on the lookout for dubious operatives pertaining to a certain student. Her name was reported to be Alexa Watson. She went by the nickname “Grade Shark”. She had a reputation for dumping anyone in the river who aced her on the Trig Final. We had encounrered a couple of bloated bodies but the only thing we observed when she opened the trunk were the groceries. This investigation was going to take time. Lots of time.

“Joe, just talked to HQ on the talkie. Found another one in the creek. His slide rule had leeches all over it.”

“Not surprised. If you want to go to Harvard, you better cover it up. And fast.”

“How does she do it? Right now her record is clean while the student body is declining.”

“Beats me.”

“I guess if you want to go to Yale, you simply say ‘Boola, Boola’ when you’re smoking in the bathroom.”

“Some kids know how to break the rules and get an ‘A’ on the term paper, I guess.”

“Kids these days. Commit armed robbery at Milford Federal and graduate Summa Cum Laude. I don’t get it.”

“Me neither.”

“Joe, are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

“Time to go to work. Let’s go.”

Watson was seen carrying a basketball into the Milford gym. She committed the same fatal flaw every criminal makes, performing something out of character with the script. When you stood out like the burnt pickle on a Bucket Burger, you were a sitting duck for the law. Watson would be quacking a long time on this one.

 

If ya get caught in the file cabinet cuz ya wanted ta change the grade illegally on yore woodworking project in Introductory Woods class cuz ya found some treated wood that’d hold up better on yore outhouse that ya built, ya might be a redneck.

 

Gang, if there’s 3 inevitable items on the table us Thorpiverse veterans are inured to, it’d be death, taxes, and the revolving door and I don’t mean leading into Gil’s office. Thorpiverse always keeps us well-stocked with anonymous characters who step out of the sewer line of some random street in Milford and apprise Gil of a situation like the one we have on our plate today. We have no clue what function Mrs. Jane Doe is serving at this juncture nor her job title. Is she a teacher? Counselor? Department Head of Industrial Arts? Whatever her role, she is one of a million people who remain incognito while serving as a bridge to the plot-for-a-day scenario, a tactic well-used by Thorpiverse since its inception.

“Dr. Pearl, we need more buffer pads for the machine. And we need 3 more orders of toilet paper after Gil used a whole roll from that Faculty Enchilada Brunch this afternoon.”

“Certainly. BTW, did you get that PSAT score report audit on the sophomore class? The State called about it again about 15 minutes ago.”

 

Then there’s academics practically being called a contact sport. This is another flailing attempt for Thorpiverse to use a literary device, in this case a metaphor, to inflate the plot when in reality it needs to hit the Milford Men’s Clinic sooner than Coach Shaw and that’s pretty puffy, if you ask me.

Yeah, yeah, Alexa shouldn’t have her hand on the player’s fanny when the latter is working on the cosine wave (“Let me see, cos 60 degrees equals 1/2-HEY, will you quit pulling down my shorts?”) . Don’t want to let the game get out of control. Call it tight now. If it’s a foul, call it, if the player takes 5 steps with the graphing calculator, call traveling, if the player is in the arctan area for 10 seconds, call 3 seconds. We don’t the game to get out of hand. We completely understand, Thorpiverse.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Ejected After Flagrant Foul In Milford Parks & Recreation 6 Feet And Under League Basketball Game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Witnesses confirm he kicked Spud Webb in the groin while Webb was contesting a breakaway dunk.”

 

2:27PM. Bill and I went to talk with Mrs. Doe about the reports she attempted to turn in to the State Superintendent of Public Instruction. We managed to flag her down just as she was about to give them to the mailman before he took off in his LLV on his mounted route. We had hope this would help in eventually cracking the case

“Look, Gil forgot to put a stamp on it. That’s why it couldn’t be mailed.”

“Sir, we’re asking Mrs. Doe that question.”

“Oops. Sorry, Gentlemen.”

“Quite all right”

LLV drives away out of the Milford High School parking lot

“Alexa begged us not to mail it. I gave in because I have a soft heart for kids plus Chris blew the game. I couldn’t reward people who choke in the clutch.”

“So what did you do next?”

“I gave them to Dr. Pearl. She said she would throw them away as they were supernumerary reports and did not affect the Bell Curve. Alexa still had a chance to catch Chris with these reports in the garbage can.”

“Ma’am, you can’t throw away confidential information just on the whim of your bleeding heart. You could wind up in the hoosegow.”

Gannon had a point. Flirting with somebody’s academic future was analogous with Mimi’s analogies. Both were dangerous and inexplicable.

“Is there anything else?”

“No, ma’am, just sit tight until we complete the investigation.”

“Will I go to jail?”

“Not sure. That’ll be up to the Director of Academic Fraud Bunco Division.”

“Alexa’s a nice kid. She deserves only the best. She really respects Mimi Thorp. And Gil also.”

“But so does Chris.”

Somber music sets in

 

Oh Brother. These so-called Teachable Moments like we’re supposedly experiencing in P2 is about as laughable as all get out.

Like, what is your point, Mimi? If Wilt scored 100 on that fateful night in ’62 at the Hershey, Pennsylvania gym, he’d have his Honorary Diploma from Milford High School? I can understand trying to motivate to score more but just about a week ago you were in your office beating your brains out, loosely speaking, attempting to improve your team. It’s bad enough that that went nowhere and in time it’ll more than likely STILL GO NOWHERE but do you have to run up the score with SAT analogies?

Let me see if I’m understanding you correctly

POINTS::GRADES—–GIL’S HAIR::VIDAL SASSOON RECYCLABLE SPRAY BOTTLES

That might work but points can be differentiated but Gil’s hair could arguably be compared to The Blob movie in the ’50’s. Let’s try again

POINTS::GRADES—–NUMBER OF YEARS DR. PEARL HAS ROAMED THE EARTH::DENTURES SHE HAS POSSESSED IN HER BUREAU DURING THAT TIME

The analogy is an obvious dead-ringer but too verbose for an SAT test. The writers of Cliff Notes Guide to SAT Preparation would have a fit trying to cram that in their latest edition. Nope, better look elsewhere

POINTS::GRADES—–MUDLARKS::LOSERS

Now THAT’S an analogy. Both can distributed singularly like points and grades, and the more you have of one, the more you have of the other. Mimi’s Direct Proportion passes with flying colors on this one.

 

WHO SHOT COACH SHAW::MYSTERY—–CURRENT PLOT:ENIGMA

It works, Gang. I wouldn’t be surprised that we get to the bottom of either one.

 

And THE DAGWOOD BUMSTEAD BACKGROUND CHARACTERS ARE BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You old-timers know what I’m talking about. Dagwood is ringing out Blondie because she is spending way too much at some department store and the nameless blob of people are looking on in curiosity, bewilderment, consternation, interest, etc. But before the punchline delivers its punch, The Blob (not the same as Gil’s hair, The People Blob, mind you) is seen doing different things, making purchases, checking sizes of shirts and pants, hunching in some corner (“Dagwood, what is Mr. Dithers doing over by the drinking fountain?” “I Dunno, Blondie.”) , laughing and yukking it up with a fellow shopper, that sort of thing.

Congratulations, Phoebe and your cohort in P2, you are now part of Dagwood’s crowd. Yup, you are filling in space during Mimi’s Lifetime Lesson, sure to trickle down to your ears even as Mimi is lecturing. You might want to put down the beach ball and take some notes.

And this is my point. Usually, if a coach is in a one-on-one session with a player to emphasize a point, the OTHER players are involved in a shootaround or practicing free throws or doing a light jog before practice. Not too many high school practices include players with thumbs up their asses and Dagwooding it while the coach is exhorting another player to improve his or her game. It’s great you have your uniforms on but this is not a modeling show. The baskets are around somewhere in the gym. You’ll just have to look for them. I think I saw one by the Ski machine. They’ve been known to hide.

 

4:18PM. Bill Gannon and I stopped in to talk with Dr. Pearl. Safe to say the conversation was not going to be about her New Wave Granny hairdo. We wanted answers and we wanted them fast.

“We run an honest business around here. We would never stoop so low as to change a student’s transcript so that another student can get that student’s scholarship to MIT.”

“Look, Ma’am, we weren’t born yesterday. When a kid like Chris flunks Home Ec because he left Shake ‘n’ Bake in the oven too long, we get suspicious. He could have easily done a make-up assignment and cooked a batch of Zatarain’s Rice Pilaf.”

“The Home Ec teacher called in and could not shop at Milford 7-11 for emergency supplies.”

“That’s not our problem. I could nail you on Section 19, Article 57 ‘Engineering to Perpetrate Academic Alteration with Intent to Perform Bodily Harm’, but you have tenure and your wall is impregnable for the moment. But watch your back side, Dr. Pearl.”

“Let me assure you, academic integrity is our utmost concern at Milford High School.”

“Look, Dr. Pearl, Friday has a point. We’re not asking you to bare your soul for Mr. Schuring, so keep your gingham dress on. We just want things to be on the up-and-up so both Miss Watson and Mr. Schuring can stand on the podium and shake your hand when you confer their diplomas. Don’t send Mr. Schuring out to lunch for Bucket Crawdads while Miss Watson is graduating With Honors.”

“Chris will get the same treatment as Alexa, I’m committed to that concept.”

“And we’re committed to your keeping that commitment, Bucket Crawdads or no Bucket Crawdads.”

Somber music once again after Joe’s last zinger

 

P3-“Did you know your fly is open?”

Could also easily fit into Mimi’s balloon if that were left blank.

 

“We’ll return to the conclusion of Dragnet after these important messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

 

“With January upon us, a lot of us got our wallets cleaned out from all that Christmas shopping. And if you live in the Skid Row subdivision behind the Milford High School Athletic Annex, buying The Good Life, when you can’t even afford foodstuffs, can be a hassle.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp speaking for Milford Beverage Warehouse. The good people at The Warehouse don’t want you to do without so they have started an exciting new program, the Name Your Price policy when buying liquor. It’s an innovative way of reaching out to the customer who cannot afford a 30-Pack of Drewry’s Dark because he has to pay off 2 court-ordered alimony payments. A man who couldn’t stay under the bed with another woman without a rolling pin bonking his head shouldn’t have to do without a cold one.

And check this out. You lucky dogs who sleep on the picnic tables at night at Milford State Park with nothing but an old Superman kiddie blanket are in for a treat. If you can pay $2.99 for Jim Beam Bourbon, The Warehouse will be more than happy to pour it an Erlenmeyer flask, duct-tape it, and send you out the door a free man.

And some of you lost your shirt at Milford Steamboat Casino and have to stay within a budget. No problemo. If you have $5.00, The Warehouse is only too glad to store Ecco Domani Pinot Grigio, the Wine of Champions, into large Styrofoam Dixie Cups. Shoot, they’ll even throw in a straw.

And did you get sued out the wazoo because your semi plowed into a station wagon and now you’re on a waiting list at Milford Shelter House? If you have $3.99, The Warehouse will supply you with your demand for Michelob Ultra, both cans with the extra-safe tab so kid can drink it and steal your joy. And if you have a coupon, you’ll get an extra can at no charge. Sounds like sensible Free Market Economics to me.

So come on, all you freeloaders out there. Don’t be afraid to go through the double doors and dictate your policy. You can go through the same line as guy with the Visa Gold and the 24-Pack of Natural Light and not be ashamed. You can even sign up for the Mystery Pack. For $10.00, you can get a whole bag of goodies to take back to your cot. I’m not allowed to say what’s in the bag this month but last month’s grab bag had some Oreos, 12-Pack Corona Extra, Mott’s Apple Juice, Tylenol in Liquid Tablets, Knob Creek Whiskey, 750 Milliliters, Brawny Quilted Bathroom Tissue, and some Roscato Wine. Boy, I’d like to be able to wipe my butt, then sip on a pint in the evening on my verandah when the sun goes down.

Get your butt on down here and do your own wiping and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

 

It’s all yours, Gang. Time to down a Bud and sit on the bleachers and listen to Mimi’s words of wisdom. Life is good.

 

 

POINTS::GRADES—–MARTY MOON::SNAILS

“Chris, dammit!!!!!!!!!! Look at your own answer sheet!!!!!!!!!!!! And I ain’t loanin’ pu another #2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Mimi the Proctor looks up from her “How to Win Friends and Influence Players” by Dale Carnegie III

“Do I have to separate you two?”

 

On January 14th, 2020, Jane Doe was found guilty in the Milford Superior Court of violation of State Law 102, Section 9, Article 15 “Wrongful Forgery of Academic Documentation and Illegal Pedagogical Enterprises in the Line of Educational Duty” whichbis punishable by a fine of not more than $60,000 and imprisonment for a minimum of 60 years but not exceeding 89 years.”

Jane Doe standing with blank background behind her, the graphics in front of her on the TV screen

Mrs. Doe is currently serving 71 years in the Milford Maximum Security Plot Prison.

 

January 9, 2020

Poppin’ The 3 With Both Skates On, That’s The Gil Thorp Method.

Filed under: basketball, Gil Thorp, Mimi Thorp, Steve Luhm's Ghost Mops These Floors — tdrewhardin @ 10:10 am

010920

1 & 5

I’ve been waiting too long

Your mindset’s all wrong

Oh, 1 & 5

We need you

 

1 & 5

Can’t you shoot from outside

Make sure you don’t slide

Oh, 1 & 5

Shoot, shoot, shoot

 

I never thought of you a project

Thought you had game

I’ll never opine that way anymore

 

I hope you aren’t a reject

Gotta protect my fame

Hit from the arc, I implore

 

God, “99” from Toto just gives me a rush, always has.

 

 

See Gil teach

See Gil warn Spot not to lick out of the toilet

See Gil point towards the basket

The basket is our friend

You need to shake hands with it

See Chris learn

Chris shoots

BOOM BABY

See Slick go bananas

Chris dunks

What a handshake, Chris

Don’t slip on the ice

Dick and Jane consulted the rule book

You can hang on as long as you brace yourself

Windjammer Dominique Wilkins throwdown, Chris

Jane gives it a 9.5

Do that in the game, says Dick

Anyway, Gil and the rest of the gnomes are attempting to teach Chris Schuring how to negotiate on the ice while streaking down the court on a fast break. While those gnomes are under the bleachers taking a smoke break, well, Gil, I hate to break it to you, I mean, I know you’re busy preparing for Holiday on Ice and you’re instructing one of the crocodiles how not to slip and fall with the basketball when being defended by a hippo to the music of “Fantasia” but you have to have OTHER PLAYERS if you want to practice the 3-on-2 or 2-on-1 fast break. But it’s not too late. You can call other players out of class 20 minutes even if they may be in the middle of a test or giving a speech which is 50% of their grade. The teachers will understand.

As long as academics are given the same priority as the pork fritters in the cafeteria, well, if Chris is running the floor on the break and needs to learn to shoot when he’s wide open, well, there’s wide open when no one’s at the gym but you and your pet project but if we’re going to go ahead and practice as if there’s 9 other players within the lines, you can’t be wide open if nobody’s there. I’d twist Dr. Pearl’s arm a little harder next time. Make sure they’re dressed and ready to hit the hockey rink, er, basketball floor by the time the second lunch bell sounds. Hell, they can learn their trig tables some other time. We gotta learn to drive to the rack when the 2 in the 3-on-2 are scratching their vitals at the half-court line.

 

If ya wear duck boots cuz the last time ya shot a runnin’ 10-footer in the lane, ya slid and slammed inta the third official in the 3-man system even though he shoulda been trailin’ the play and not callin’ thangs from the free throw extended, ya might be a redneck.

 

While Tchaikovsky’s “Russian Dance-Trepak” is blaring from Dr. Pearl’s office into the gym (guess digital technology does wonders) ,

“NOOOOOO, GODDAMIT, SCHURING, THAT’S 2 & 1/2 STEPS WHEN YOU’RE FINISHING THE BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU’RE GOING TO SLAM INTO MOON’S BOOTH IF YOU PULL AN NBA TRAVELING STUNT LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I agree, Coach, you skate the way you practice.

I still think practicing in the Grand Canyon won’t simulate playing with teammates or against the other 5 guys out there, but these are teachable moments and should be treasured for a lifetime. And hey, the other team might have to go potty while Chris is executing the break or is open from the corner. Any given day.

 

Heard one day at the Milford High School faculty lounge

 

“Man, somebody needs to fix their drill. It’s just grating my nerves while I’m eating McD’s Chicken Nuggets. What are they working on, drilling a hole to China in the chem lab?”

“Naw, I understand Gil is practicing David Paich’s piano lick from ’99’. Trying to spice up his comedy act at the Milford Comedy Club.”

 

1 & 5 (oooooo, ooooooo)

You’re not 14 anymore

Need to shoot the ball much more

So says my EKG clipboard

Oh, 1 & 5

I’m begging you

 

1 & 5 (ooooooo, ooooooo)

Tho the basket’s out of whack

The scoring’s on your back

Got to shoot or catch some flak

Oh, 1 & 5

On our knees for you

 

I never thought this would work out

Score on crooked rims

Don’t want to shoot there in the second half

 

I always thought that you’d pan out

Jordan is your sobriquet

Don’t think anyone will laugh

Oh, 1 & 5

 

And to think, the past 1-2 weeks we’ve been more concerned with Riemann’s Theorem than basketball, now suddenly, after calling the NBA Director of Scouting for more players, Mimi is going to try her hand at coaching. You know she’s serious when she buys a clipboard at Milford Apothecary along with the Drewry’s 24-Pack and her medicines. One-stop shopping wins championships every time.

 

At the Milford Comedy Club

“…what do I look like, Jeff Porcaro in that spaceman outfit while playing the drums?”

Dead silence

“Well, here’s another song from Toto. Let me get my Wurlitzer tuned. Anybody heard of ‘Africa’?”

 

Mimi, we appreciate your merry-go-round modus operandi but didn’t Milford WIN the last game? And speaking as a coach myself, sure, there’s always something to work on but acting as if one of the halfcourt’s one great big couch and you’re Mrs. Freud really isn’t going to wash. I just as soon hear Hank Snow perform Toto’s “Hold the Line” at the Grand Ole Opry.

“I blew the layup, Coach, because I suppressed my sexual libido. It happened watching Sesame Street. I had this thing for Bert and Ernie and didn’t know where to go with it. Affected my jump on the rebound.”

 

Because I’m a little unclear what “abjurement” means after reading the book on proper usage of English

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford High School Gym To Further Pursue Abjurement Of Ice For A Basketball Floor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Thorp: We’re goin’ parquetry like the Celtics. I want every Mudlark thinking like a champion. We’ve abjurred the head cases.”

 

And we head to P3 with more pschoanalysis. And I could take taking the lunatic out of the head if what was said had a logical trail to it. Okay, some kids do grow faster than their coordination will allow. But how that makes them defensive specialists is beyond my comprehension. When the quick-as-a-hiccup point guard found out that all Alexa Watson had to do was fall on her while the former was on a breakaway to the hoop, okay, I’ll swallow that but if that same point guard, after being treated with multiple concussions and contusions from one redwood tree too many falling on her, her coach might have gotten smart and told her to shoot OUTSIDE. Redwood trees taking Binary Functions in 3rd grade could only stretch so far.

Really, Thorpiverse, you have to have a sense of grace to match your growth spurt or they’ll run circles around you. Studying integrals can only provide so much defense, then you better move your feet, y’know, slide ’em when you’re guarding your man. The floor is slick enough.

Take it away, Gang. I’m helping with the videotape. Sometimes you can catch what you missed in the practice. Gil started taking showers after we noticed dandruff flaking on one taping.

 

“…what do you take me for, Zak Starkey as a part-time drummer for The Who?”

The jukebox, playing “Afternoon Delight” by Starland Vocal Band can be heard in the corner

“Ladies and Germs, Comedy is not the only talent in Coach Thorp’s repertoire. Here he is now to perform Toto’s ‘Rosanna’ on the trombone!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

“…I never thought it would happen

Chris is not the same

Won’t bear this dumb plot anymooorrrree…”

 

January 7, 2020

You Go Shootin’ While I Go Fetch A Player.

gt01072020

Well, you shoot the ball

And I’ll go recruitin’, Honey

You swish the nets

And I’ll do some callin’, Babe

You line it up down the free throw hole

I’ll go fishin’ with my crawdad pole

For players, tall and fine

 

Gang, WHERE did Phoebe Keener come from? Was she one of those guest stars that popped out of the woods on Gilligan’s Island?

“Skipper, I just saw another Mudlark down by the lagoon. She was working on her lay-ups.”

“Oh, Gilligan, you’ve had too much of that coconut juice again. Why don’t you go lay down in the shade, Little Buddy, and get some rest?”

Why get on the phone, Mimi, and attempt to get more players when they seem to be coming out of your linen closet? Besides, isn’t that what TRYOUTS are for? Then you’ll never have to look in your shower stall again for a center who can score and rebound.

 

I was intrigued by You and the Law, a fascinating read on the different facets of the law. The Yale Professor of Law who wrote it made an especially interesting observation on the fact that you couldn’t appeal to your State Supreme Court for issues such as traffic fines (basically appeals on a State’s Constitution are heard) . Soooooooooooo

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Will Not Pursue DUI Case In Milford Superior Court!!!!!!!!!!!!! Will Enroll In Defensive Driving School In March!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I still think I got a raw deal on my Constitutional rights. Making me walk a straight line while I got Wrigley’s Spearmint in my mouth? Where’s the justice?”

 

As long as players are going to come out of Brigadoon, I might as well point out that Phoebe and that Harding defender couldn’t execute the Pee Wee Herman Dance any better than in P1. Mimi, having trouble locating players with some moves and good court vision? Look no further than this game. See, if you look within your own camp, it’s amazing what you can find. And all you need now is a record player to play that sax rendition of the dance, and an outlet to plug in the record player, naturally.

 

Well, you text a line

And I’ll go beggin’, Honey

No lane violations

And I’ll be a suck-ass, Babe

You pop the 3 down in the hole

I’ll be in the hallways with my crawdad pole

Honey, this takes time

 

And what OTHER entity could that be in P1 than The Blob returning to eat a player or fan or two? Sheesh, no wonder why Mimi can’t get anybody to play on the team. And what is St. Elmo’s Fire doing other than aiding in abetting with The Blob in devouring a fan who’s holding the “Kick the Shit out of Milford” (musta slipped a 20 to the security when he paid his admission ticket) ? If there’s one thing us Thorpiverse veterans can always count on, it’s a conglomerate of the Shadow People who have been pasted together for over 60 years. And the beauty is, the Harding fans and the Milford fans aren’t sitting in their separate clumps, er, sections. Yeah, I’m afraid the Shadow People or The Blob does not discriminate. Mudlark fans have been eaten at a steady rate along with Oakwood fans, New Thayer fans, etc. for 6 decades.

“Gil, where’s Jaime and Keri?”

“I don’t know. They were here just a minute ago. Yuck!!!!! What’s that giant red piece of Play-Doh doing on the verandah?”

 

If ya gotta use somebody’s jumper cables ta fish yore shotgun outta the crawdad hole that landed there cause ya tripped on some fresh deer droppings and ya pay the man a 6-pack of Bud for his successful efforts, ya might be a?redneck.

“Coach, I heard you need a power forward for the team.”

As Gil gets up from humping Mimi

“I do, but next time, don’t climb through the window. We’ll fix the door handle, I promise.”

 

And then we have Cindy Brady a/k/a Susan Wilcox-Olson who appears to give the Lady Mudlarks an outside scoring threat. Okay, Mimi, I understand you were desperate and had to enter the Milford Interdenominational Church for Susan’s wedding ceremony to beef up the roster (“…with this ring, I thee wed EXCUSE ME WE NEED YOU IN THE LINEUP, MRS. WILCOX-OLSON) , but couldn’t it have waited to change the surname from Olsen to Olson at the Milford City Clerk’s until after the game? If she can shoot, let her fire away, we’ll take care of the details later. I know we gotta reverse her maiden name and married name EVENTUALLY, let alone spell her maiden name correctly, but if Mimi needs Rolaids and needs it now, you don’t spell relief “B-U-R-E-A-U-C-R-A-C-Y”. You got a chance to win the game, Mimi, don’t blow it on a technicality.

 

On the S.S. Enterprise

“Scotty, see if you can maneuver a little closer to Xeneid. I understand the gasses are not noxious enough to allow us to penetrate the biosphere.”

“I don’t know, Captain, the ship won’t sustain much more with that magnetic field at our throats. And we are being fired upon even as we speak.”

“Spock, have you had many dealings with the people?”

“They’re not known to create problems with negotiations, if that’s what you are indicating. I can print out a communications cable-”

That notorious danger siren is sounding. Everybody is frozen. The door opens.

“Spock, is that one of their citizens?”

“I’m not sure. May we help you?”

“Yes, I understand the Milford Lady Mudlarks need a point guard off the bench in case Phoebe Keener needs a rest. Did I press the wrong button?”

 

 

And SOMEBODY CAN COUNT. Yes, there are 2 legs attached to each human torso in P2, although one player didn’t take her Rolaids and wound up with Club Foot. It must be hard to do lay-ups during warm-ups.

And minus points for the crotch shot of the coach. When The General was leading the 1976 Hoosiers to the National Championship, Scott May and Quinn Buckner and Kent Benson didn’t take orders from The General’s private collection. Couldn’t you see somebody’s crotch in Cream and Crimson? Didn’t think so.

 

You bomb it away

And I’ll grovel with my pleas, Honey

You drive baseline

And I’ll be petitioning, Babe

Shoot and-one from the ball you stole

I’ll fish at The Bucket with my crawdad pole

Honey, this 2-guard is mine

 

I love Diana Hacker and her ideas on style when writing is priceless. Not a day goes by that I don’t read something from her.

And right now, she would have a cow on how the sentence from P2 leads into P3.

If I’m getting the gist of the matter, Alexa “Don’t you dare call me ‘Gauss'” Watson is passing to Susan Olson-Wilcox-Olsen-in-the-Brady-Bunch-credits for the go-ahead score, THEN LATER passes to Phoebe Keener for an insurance score. Fair enough.

But of course, Thorpiverse has Hacker steamed because the way the sentence is structured, Susan Brady is getting the ball to score then subsequently sending it to Phoebe for another score. The way the modifiers are mangled, Harding is owed a possession which is unlikely to be settled so Milford will likely win because literary style went the way of Chris’ street clothes in the previous tete-a-tete with Coach Thorp. Amazing how many games Milford has won in 60 years riding the miscarriage of justice.

“That’s a split infinitive.”

“Game, set, and match, Thorp.”

 

Tomorrow’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Miffed Over Being Informed That State Supreme Court Will Not Hear Case!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I was NOT double-parked in front of the Milford Lounge. The farmer’s pick-up had a flat.”

 

And dangling modifiers aside, I like Phoebe’s Hokey-Pokey with the ball

You shoot with both hands in

You shoot with both hands out

You shoot with both hands from your chest

And you shake things all about

 

You do the funky lay-up

Then you turn yourself around

That’s how the game will turn out.

 

Game won by choppy sentences and a poor rendition of the Hokey-Pokey. Hey, an ugly win is better than a pretty loss.

 

 

Because I love to cook and was fascinated with all the combos with white grapes you could partake of

 

“And Marcia passes to Cindy over to Jan cross-court pass to Wilma who finds Betty on the baseline who kicks it out to Reggie for 3…”

BOOM BABY

“And Slick, Harding has called a time-out to talk things over. With 3:52 left in the 3rd quarter, it’s the Pacers, 89, Harding 86, the Pacers on a 12-2 run. We’ll have more on the Fan Duel Scoreboard in a moment, this is Mark Boyle and you’re listening to the Pacers Radio Network.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, this week is National Wine Week right here in good ol’ Milford. Now I realize that many cities all over the country have their own Wine Week but the way Milford Beverage Warehouse looks at it, soaking in The Good Life is a year-round venture anyway.

Hi, this Coach Thorp and Man o Man, have I got some deals for you. Right here in our own backyard, Milford Valley is selling their premium White Wine Supreme at a door-busting $7.99 a bottle. Good golly Miss Molly, I’ll be knockin’ a few heads myself to get to the wine rack. Boy, I can imagine myself in my chaise lounge on the verandah, sipping on a glass of that good drinkin’ while munching on Mimi’s tuna-and-walnut casserole and indulging in creamed mayo caramel for dessert. Why use Pepto-Bismol when Milford Valley can churn your stomach just fine?

Then you discriminating connoisseurs will appreciate La Marca wines in select varities. Mmmmmm, mmm, I can taste that merlot as I down my Jif Chocolate Peanut Butter sandwich at the Milford PTA Parents’ Night Out. And with Key Lime pie for dessert, at $15.99 a bottle, I’ll have to admit I’m glad Jaime and Keri aren’t around.

But wait, there’s more. Woodbridge Grenache and arugala just hits the spot after a long day on the phone asking the scout at The Bucket who looks like a true center at the drive-in booth. Top both with Mrs. Butterworths and you can pitch your flapjacks in the garbage disposal. For $9.99 a bottle, I’ll dump all my Eggos in my freezer box in the basement down the drain.

But don’t get namby-pamby on me and believe that Milford Beverage Warehouse is nothing but a wine-infested rat-hole for the quiche-and-brie crowd. We still have a wide selection of Budweiser, Coors, Michelob, Miller High Life, Falls City, Blatz, Schlitz, you name it, we got it and in mass quantities. Bring your Milford Beverage Warehouse Visa Card and name your multiple. Only your trunk will limit your 18-pack purchases.

In fact, our deal of the week is Maker’s Mark Whiskey at an eye-popping $22.99 a bottle. At that price, I’ll cram all the Eggos in my toaster and with that Mrs. Butterworth Syrup, Breakfast in Avalon is a cinch.

But come see for yourself and get your own Lance Sour Cream Crackers off the gum rack while going through the line to purchase your Milford Valley White Wine. I think you’ll agree, Heaven is just a sip away. Only at the Milford Beverage Warehouse.”

 

Gang, have at it. I’m going to check Dick Vitale’s Basketball Lexicon again. I had trouble with the word “deuce”. I thought Dickie V was talking about a card game. I want to make sure this time when he calls Susan Brady a “diaper dandy”, he’s not talking about Pampers.

 

“…and you shoot for the goal

I’ll check Gil’s closet with my crawdad pole…”

 

At The Bucket one night

“Hi, I’m Melba, and I’ll be your waitress. What can I get for you?”

“Have you ever thought about playing onnthe basketball team? We need a guard-forward.”

 

 

 

 

January 2, 2020

Mimi’s Last Theorem

Filed under: basketball, huge earrings, Mimi Thorp, Pointy Fingers — tdrewhardin @ 9:25 am

010220

While Alexa Watson is studying Integrals and thereby attempting to find the rate at which the moon Io revolves around the planet Jupiter, taking into account the tidal forces that account for the initial vector which affects the seasonal temperatures of the other moon Europa, therewith causing Jupiter to accelerate at abnormal velocities in relation to Newton’s First Law of Motion, a planet in Thorpiverse will keep dragging on and on in this plot gone awry until something interesting comes and whops Jupiter on side its head with a two-by-four and forces Jupiter to change direction, i.e., body acting upon another body, and baseball will actually be interesting this year as a change of venue, i.e., Mudlarks will have its Home baseball games ON JUPITER, Mimi will drag somebody out of Auto Mechanics who can slam dunk the ball.

Players with post skills, that sort of thing.

 

Big shout-out goes to Melody Bland and her fellow office staff at Iroquois Gardens Apartments of Louisville, Kentucky. While I was waiting to pay the rent, she was deftly handling a customer. I am impressed with her knowledge of the place and feel anyone of you out there wanting to rent would feel confident dealing with Melody. I know I got a good deal on an apartment that offers good space, comfortable rooms, and amenities in the kitchen such as a microwave. Yup, I can bash Gil while living in style. Great carpet, great closet space, SUPER bathrooms, all at an affordable price. And I felt VERY comfortable when I first met Melody and staff. What’s nice, one of my co-workers started renting there. Good news travels fast. Come in today and see for yourself. I bet you won’t be disappointed.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everyone knows your name.

 

And don’t know boutchoo all, but if Chris and Alexa are neck-and neck for the top spot in the academic race, and if Alexa is digging into her calculus book and assuming the OTHER BOOKS are calculus books and not Nancy Drew: The Case of the Missing Graphing Calculator (“It must have fallen under the bleachers when I was cheering Chris’ Last Shot”) , it is hard for me to imagine Chris taking Remedial Math and Advanced Bowling. Next thing you know, while Chris is in his driveway, Chris will be working on his free throws while simultaneously solving a proof. Hey, competition makes us better.

BRRRRIIINNNGGGGG

BRRRRIIINNNGGGGG

BRRRRI-

“Hello?”

COACH, GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!! I’M UP TO 80% AT THE FREE THROW LINE!!!!!!!!!! AND I SOLVED THE FOUR COLORS THEOREM!!!!!!!!!!! IF MILFORD IS PINK AND OAKWOOD IS BROWN AND YOUR HAIR IS BLUE AND NEW THAYER IS ORANGE, YOU CAN MAKE A BUCKET SLUSHEE OUT OF IT AND SQUARE THE CIRCLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

“But my hair is green and did you use a protractor?”

“Okay, I’ll have to tweak. But it shouldn’t be any problem. Aim for the front of the rim when the hypotenuse is radical 2 more than either side in a 45-45-90 triangle, right?”

“You got it.”

Click

“Gil, who was that?”

“Chris. He was working on his homework and needed help.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Headline

“Mudlark Girls Basketball To Receive An Addition From Tanzania!!!!!!!!!!!!! Will Get off Plane At Milford International Today!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sub headline

“She still has to clear customs. But she’s academically eligible and is 7 foot. Should be good to go by next Tuesday.”

 

Don’t let Thorpiverse fool you. The artwork in P1 is first-rate, I have to admit, the shelves lined with selections from War and Peace to Vanity Fair to Notes on the State of Virginia to Notes on the State of Mudlark Girl’s Gym (…no interior defense shall be had, this writer posits…) to Fodor’s Gilspeak in 10 Days to History of Milford, Volume 7: The Roaring ’20’s.

But then we see, amidst the anonymous Dagwood background crowd, Alexa’s book wide open and there are pictures to be had. And if you take a closer look

“Richie Rich”

in

‘I Sat Behind Little Dot in Plane Geometry at Milford Elementary’

“Gee, Little Lotta, that’s your 1,276th burger. I’ll pick up the tab, I could buy the Milford Gym on my allowance but don’t you think you’ll spoil dinner?”

“Gosh, Richie Rich, you’re right. Save some for the rest of the Milford Elementary cafeteria to eat. I understand The Bucket is running a BOGO special on Bucket Crab Cakes. Yum yum.”

“Little Dot, what are you doing?”

“I’m drawing basketballs around Coach Thorp’s head because they remind me of dots. And those will probably the only dots we’ll see all Winter.”

Richie Rich and Little Lotta and the Mudlark Girls Basketball team all collectively groan.

 

Meanwhile, in the Bat Cave, Mimi is trying to solve Fermat’s Last Theorem

“Okay, no 3 positive integers satisfy the equation when the exponents are integers greater than 2. I get it. But nothing in the rule book says I can’t use an imaginary number. Let me plug in 2 + 3i and its cognate 2 – 3i and see what happens. The worst that can happen is that I should have moved the decimal point one place to the right-

BRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGG

“Will somebody get the Bat Phone?”

Suddenly remembering that Batman and Robin are on assignment, out to prevent Catwoman from raiding the Coke machine before Gotham City takes on the Mudlark Girls team tonight

“Hello?”

“Batman!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Joker is up to his old tricks!!!!!!!!!!!!! He just stole all the basketballs off the basketball rack at the Milford Y!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“He’s not in. Can I take a message?”

 

Later

“…so when the line is vertical, f(x) ceases to be a function and is rendered useless when trying to insert 0 in the denominator and plug in as an integer. Golly Gee Whiz, Fermat is harder than I thought.”

BRRRRRRRRRIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGG

Bat Phone rings again

“Hello?”

MIMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FOUND A PLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SHE IS A PRESENCE INSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE’LL PROTECT THE BUCKET BIG TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SHE CAN SCORE BIG TIME AND ADD A LITTLE O. FARMER SAID SHE OUGHT TO BE ABLE TO MAKE PRACTICE AFTER THEY FED HER SOME SLOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Gil, I’m busy. Can’t it wait?”

“Are you still stuck on that problem?”

Mimi sighs and reluctantly answers

“Yes.”

“Mimi, I told you to use cosine waves instead tangent waves. The graph hits an asymptote at 90 degrees.”

 

If ya solve Fermat’s Last Theorem with the slide rule ya shoplifted out of Milford Five and Dime but ya bought the Red Man Fine Cut legally, and later consult Chilton’s Car Care Manual to make sure the integers are all ducks in a row, then scratch yore crack later on in triumph with the same slide rule ta remove the pimples and fleas, ya might be a redneck.

 

“BTW, how’d you manage to get to the Bat Phone line?”

“Batman still had minutes on his phone card.”

 

P3-“Ode on a Grecian Mutant Poplar”

Gang, are you as confused as I am over the abrupt change of scenery? One minute, she’s in her office finishing up the final proofs on Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, the next minute, she is caught in Wild Kingdom in Winter. I guess it would only be logical for Marlon Perkins and Scientist-of-the-Show to be studying penguins and their migration habits in Milford, but give us a warning, puh-leeeasssee.

“Marlon, the penguins are nesting on top of Thorp’s house. We anticipate mating anytime now before they fly back to Antarctica.”

 

And quit throwing names at us, Thorpiverse. Like Fitch is a Cinderella team that’s going to be in the Final Four bracket opposite Kentucky. For all we know, Fitch is the name of one of those trees behind Mimi.

“Marlon, those penguins are definitely in estrus and get that way when they approach the fitch oak tree. Many of the droppings indicate a healthy diet of Bucket Burgers and walnuts. Some of them managed to escape Gil’s gun, they are hiding under one of its branches.”

 

Yeah, you gotta have good board scores if you want to attend Fitch but you don’t have to be a player with any basketball talent if you want to be on the team. If the opponent scores 39 points and WINS, case closed.

Is Fitch in the middle of Bush Country like Mimi is comfortably settled while agonizing over a 2 guard in P3? I wonder.

 

I am still mystified what Wrongful Injury means like I saw on a billboard this past week, I mean, what injury is good? Judicious Injury? Soooooooooooooo

 

“Marty, the rumors about the Mudlark Girls team picking up a pygmy out of Madagascar is totally off-base. Just because my office got relocated there doesn’t mean I’m interested. We need depth and speed in the backcourt, but I’m not desperate.”

“And we’ll be back to talk some more with Coach Mimi Thorp and to take your calls if you have something on your mind. This is Marty Moon and this is WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports”

 

At Milford Vocational & Technical College in Physics and the Real World 301

“OWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! DAMN that TI-36 sawed my finger off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just when I was figuring antilog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Martin Chumpley did not know that MVTC did not renew their contract with Texas Instruments so they didn’t tell their students that old calculators with vacuum tubes in them were still a requirement. The pressure-packed contraption caused the buttons on the calculator to assume the shapes of tiny switchblades. It was only a matter of time before someone was going to lose an appendage while working assiduosly on quadratic equations.”

“I called 1-FON-THE-JAWS and I not only proved Fermat’s Last Theorem, I got $3,674, 098 as compensation for my injury. One call plus carry the one and both were settled. I still have yet to crack Fermat’s Wrongful Injury but with The Shark and IBM Deep Blue on my side, it’s just a matter of days. And I kicked Deep Blue’s ass in chess, something Kasporov couldn’t do. Thanks, Shark.”

“Man O Man, beat Bobby Fischer, then go right around and have Bobby help you beat Spassky at Reykjavik? And get a huge chunk of change? Hell, I’ll get my #2 pencil and try to solve Fermat’s First Theorem. But you can’t sue for damages on that abacus if you don’t get in touch with me, Joe Sharkey, Injury Lawyer. We handle Wrongful Injury, Rightful Injury, Injuries that sit on a fence, and we’ll even come to you if you’re on crutches because you got bit by your Hewlett-Packard. Call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. One call, that’s all.”

 

Gang, it’s your turn. I’m going to look up Fitch in the road atlas. I think if you take a right turn at Albuquerque, you’re there.

 

Mimi, on the phone, while enjoying her Maxwell House and Hydrangea lunch

“So she still has more papers to file to claim politacal asylum? But we need her this Saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

“Marlon, those penguins near Gil’s chimney performing anal sex are in a ritualistic dance right before they mate. It is said that eggs should be coming anytime after this fait d’accomplait.”

December 31, 2019

The Day Chance “Sam” Macy Almost Sent “Henny” Demarco To The Hospital.

Filed under: Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 1:25 pm

123119

Gang, I apologize. I had to run one of my dad’s workers up to the Mexican Consulate and get his Passport renewed and that was an all-morning trip. The good news is it was worth it as he is good to go for quite some time.

 

Anymore, it is hard to tell if that’s Teddy “Mr. T. for the Day” Demarco in P1 or if it’s a suitable replacement, i.e., some smart-ass teenager with a severe case of Magic Marker Head. For my money, at the rate this storyline is going, no, I don’t believe it is Dobie Gillis disguised as Woody Woodpecker copping an attitude. DEFINITELY not Maynard P. Krebs, Dobie’s friend. Playing the bongos while exhibiting coxcomb scalp really doesn’t mix.

So Henny Demarco is telling Chris to take his basketball and go home because he couldn’t do anything with it at Springfield. God, I love it when I can analyze a humorous situation. Ain’t I wonerful?

 

Shout-out to Fuel Mart in Austin, Indiana. They never disappoint. They sell all kinds of goodies from tasty footlong Polish sausages to Italian-style subs, from 2-liter Coke products to pipin’ ot coffee, from chips to Little Debbies and everything in between. The good news is, they’re sold at prices that don’t remind you of convenience store rip-offs. With a friendly staff, it is hard to beat and harder to resist. Come in off of Exit 34 off I-65 and head west until you get to the first right and the station is right there, for the taking.

Gang, you need to go where everyone knows your name.

 

Hey, but the high school actually RESEMBLES a high school, no Room 222 that Elroy Jetson attended while still in pre-school. By gum, if Goofus and Gallant can pass Mr. T. in the high school and still keep the floor shiny as in P1, I might just take the chance I CAN eat my Big Mac off the same and kick back and enjoy Mr. T. on his Open Mike roll laying into “Choke” Schuring. If nothing else, my fries won’t go BONK.

“Hey, does the basket have bad breath because the basketball doesn’t go anywhere near it. Maybe if the basket chewed on a couple of Altoids, you might shoot better.”

Cutting to the bone, Mr. T.

 

If ya buy the whole Certs rack at the Milford 7-11 cuz ya want ta remove the Schlitz breath from yore mouth so youze kin kiss yore wife in the evening and she’ll never suspekt ya took a detour ta the bar and got a little carried away, ya might be a redneck.

 

“Does your face hurt? It’s killing the basket.”

Well, anyhoo, Gallant is once again taking the High Road because Tommy “Looks like Chance “Sam” Macy” Rich is wanting a piece of, we assume, mind you, Teddy Demarco. Oh, the conversation

Let me rip his balls and make him eat them.

Oh, no, Tommy or Sam, whichever you prefer, it would go against what I was taught reading the Gideon’s Bible I was reading while eating my Continental Breakfast at the Milford Moto-Lodge

But he said you shit like a dog and shoot like one too

Oh, there, there, Chance “Goofus” Macy, his time will come. One day he will say Wilt the Stilt scored 100 points because he was at Mudlark gym and got the same Homer calls that Gil gets when he is coaching and a slew of vipers will spring out of the jump circle and drag him into the Pits of Hell. This Goofus and Gallant plot guarantees it as it’s under contract. Until then, why don’t we see what’s behind the Mystery Door. We might turn up child pornography photos that Dr. Pearl took with her Polaroid One-Step. There were rumors

“If you apply some Ban Roll-On, you’re shooting percentages won’t stink.”

Comedy Club any day now, Mr. T.

 

The Unknown Comic in the Milford High School hallways

“Hey, the last time I saw a guy shoot like that, he got arrested for indecent exposure.”

Come, Goofus, ignore him. Let’s remove that extra finger so you can grip your Bucket Burgers better. The door to the Milford Minor Surgery Center is straight ahead. Your hand will be as good as a penta-morph by this afternoon

GONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

See, Goofus? He got his

 

Okay, Gene Rayburn is back with some more relief from this charade of comedy. Take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sssooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Chance Macy looked like _____________.”

“Hey, ya hockey puck!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you have to get with your consultant every time you go down the score to shoot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Oh, Goofus the Omega Man, ignore Mr. Rickles. You still have to inject that serum in me if you want me to be well and have my eyeballs return in P3. I realize it’s no fun not being able to stick Mr. Rickles’ head in the blender at the Milford High School cafeteria kitchen but think of the potential of winning in the Playdowns when I’m scoring the winning shot because Coach Thorp wasn’t around to even teach me how to shoot at his Nerfhoop in his office. When we hoist the trophy in front of Mr. Rickles, he’ll just have to go insult Hank Finkel

“Hey, Mr. Finkel, I understand the only time you show up in a Celtic uniform is when the team shows up at the group photograph.”

Mr. T., don’t let off the gas pedal.

 

“…what do I look like, a surgeon who can cut extra fingers with a ginsu knife?”

“And we’ll be back for more hilarity from ‘Live at the Milford Improv’ after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

At the Milford Girls Gym, Coach Shaw is at the halfcourt line in his Fruit of the Looms trying to work up a sweat

AH BABY

MY HEART IS FULL OF LOVE

AND IT’S ALL FOR YOU

NOW COME ON DOWN AND DO WHAT YA GOT TO DO

“Honey, what are you doing here at 3:00AM? Aren’t you afraid the police will arrest you?”

While Coach Shaw is doing several pelvic thrusts bending the crotch seams in his underwear to the nth degree

“Mrs. Shaw, don’t bother me now, I’m trying to concentrate.”

CONCENTRATE?????????

As Coach Shaw punts one of the slaughterballs into the 7th row of the Visitors bleachers

“Sure, The Milford Health Quarterly said to throw away your dick pills, dancing yourself in a frenzy is the way to pump up the merchandise.”

“Sweetie, you don’t have to literally jump out of the gym to have fun with me. Now put on your clothes so you take them off somewhere else and have a great time.”

“Why would I take off my pants when I’m gettin’ on the roller coaster at Milford Six Flags?”

YOU CAN START ME UP

YOU CAN START ME UP AND NEVER STOP

DON’T MAKE A GROWN MAN CRYYYYYYY

“Honey, don’t make ME cry. Put on your clothes and let’s get out of here.”

While Coach Shaw is pirouetting around, finally slam-dunking a volleyball on the 7-foot goal

“Mrs. Shaw, don’t stop me now, I feel the earth moving in my significant other and it’s a matter of time before I have a hardness an Olympic diver could do a half-gainer off of.”

Off the same album, “Tattoo You”

DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR SLAVE

DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR SLAVE

DON’T WANT TO-

“Honey, you’re still flat as a pancake. The police will arrest you for indecent exposure on that alone.”

ALL I WANT IS YOU-

FWWWWAAAPPPPPPP

Coach Shaw takes the needle off the Emerson Lake & Palmer record

 

“My wife was right, of course. I was tired of trying to get in on when I could get it on with a little help from Milford Men’s Clinic. And their new Inflat-a-Bull formula, drug-tested on mice at Milford Labs, Inc. worked so well, they had to get a couple more cages to accomodate the newborns. Man, I never knew Mickey could get that horny. If it worked on Minnie Mouse, why couldn’t I repair this flat tire and go to Disneyworld with my wife. Just a couple of squirts and my sex life has hardened its heart. My wife seemed to agree. Now I leave the gym for the shootarounds. Come into Milford Men’s Clinic today and slam-dunk your Erectile Dysfunction. Believe me, it’s nice to score the winning shot with no time left on the clock.”

 

Gang, the floor is yours. Happy New Year and may God bless you. Next month will be my second year with the site. I especially want to thank Timbuys for all his help during this time. Without him, my end of things are severely hampered. Treat him with respect. He’s earned it.

But I also couldn’t have done it without you readers. I am nothing without you. I live by the Consent of the Governed and when the TWIMers are there to support me, it makes this past decade truly special. Thanks again and please be safe. We need you.

 

WE CAN MAKE LOVE ON LOVE BEACH-

BAM BAM BAM

Mimi bangs on the garage door

“Gil, dammit, put away the ELP record and come to bed. If Greg Lake’s singing won’t pump you up by now…”

 

The Unknown Comic at the Milford Gym

“Hey, hey, Gil, I don’t mean to say you’re limp but your sex life might take a hit when the leaves fall off the tree next autumn.”

Cuts deep, My Man. Have you imparted these Words of Wisdom to Mr. T.?

 

December 26, 2019

His Head Is Cupcake City, Baby.

Filed under: actual action, basketball, Just plain sad, Pantheon of Mysterious Objects — tdrewhardin @ 8:43 am

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Old-timers like me will remember how popular Ann Landers and Abigail Van Buren(“Dear Abby”) were back in the ’60’s, ’70’s, and ’80’s. They were twin sisters who did separate advice columns for their respective newspapers which ran nationwide on the syndicate route, not sure which one ran in the morning and which one ran in the evening. At any rate, they had an understandably spirited rivalry which turned bitter from time to time which newspaper companies loved because it got the readership they wanted. Advice on topics that were many times controversial plus occasional finger-pointing at each other? Hell, yeah, the newspaper industry loved it because that package just SOLD.

That said, I remember as a kid in the ’70’s when my sister and I are reading Ann Landers (or Dear Abby, can’t remember which) and this one woman writes to say how she and her mom are engaged in furious combat because her mom is angry at her because this daughter-writer won’t wear a bra. Get off my case, Mom, I’m a liberated woman, was the gist of the letter. Her mom shoots back that she’ll get Cooper’s Droop and wind up in Hell.

Well, I don’t think she was at Judgment Day, bra-less, victimized by sagging gourds being told “Depart from me, for I never knew you”, but we learned from Ann Landers, after my sister and I are finished laughing our butts off,  that Cooper’s Droop is an actual term and that if you could lodge a pencil under your breast and it stayed there all day, you definitely were inflicted with the concept.

I can’t remember the advice Ann Landers gave but she and Dear Abby were popular because many times their advice was sound and Ann’s response to this letter was no exception.

With that in mind, if that net in P1 doesn’t have a serious case of Cooper’s Droop, I need to stop writing on this site and pick up where Dear Abby left off (“Dear T. Drew, my coach, Gil Thorp, coaches like his brain has Cooper’s Droop…”) . Marcell is dunking on what was once a waste can in Gil’s office. How Gil ever managed to rip the ring off the can and attach a mesh that was once Mimi’s dress is truly an engineering feat of the 21st century. I’ll have to keep those techniques in mind when I’m building a basketball goal in my backyard. Dunk away, Irby, you’re a part of history. Oh, and tie game, that’s a bonus.

 

Shout-out to Nikki Rand of Louisville who works as a driver at Pizza Hut on Lower Hunters Trace and Dixie Highway. Her go-getter attitude is contagious and her determination to succeed is truly a blessing and makes the company a better store. She also catches on quick so when orders and food items need to be invoiced, she does it efficiently and intelligently. I can see her as a leader in the future. She represents America because she is a smart cookie who wants to do the job right. Gang, next time you see her, salute her. She has my respect as to what America needs.

 

Then, Gang, we have another entry in Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. Thorpiverse would have you believe that that is a light on the ceiling, enlightening the scene, Cooper’s Droop-inflicted baskets with glass backboards included.

Thorpiverse has you fooled.

You’re not pulling one over my eyes, Thorpiverse. We know that it is either a gigantic cake pan that the Betty Crocker cement truck from time to time fills with tons of cake mix to make, for example, wedding cakes to accomodate the Wedding at Cana the constituents of which are watching the game when Mudlar-K-Cola isn’t being turned into wine or Lost in Space truly got lost and landed in Springfield by mistake. Oh, well, might as well watch a Springfield schmuck get Cooper’s Drooped on, courtesy of Marcell Irby. Gil’s waste basket won’t have a cigar stub in its container after Irby does some serious flushing on that Droopy of a goal.

“Hello, Toommm and Jeerrrryyy, my nammmeee is Drooopppyyy-”

DUUUUUUNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKK

And the guy pumping the fist is certainly displaying his seal of approval. I’d hate to know that he is not a member of the small contingent of Mudlark fans attending the game and is turncoating and Cooper’s Drooping the Springfield fan base. Be true to your school, the Beach Boys used to always say.

 

If yore bloodhound’s ears are infect-id with Cooper’s Droop and yuz can hide yore ammo in his ear flaps fer days until bow season fer coons cuz yore bloodhound’s ears contains more tics and tapeworms than the flea medicine frum Milford Veterinary Clinic kin handle, ya might be a redneck.

 

Gang, those of you who follow the NBA should be familiar with this rule called the “Mark Jackson Backdown Rule”. As a Pacer point guard during the ’90’s, Jackson would back his man down in the paint for up to 15 seconds per possession. Bearing in mind that the Pacers only had 9 seconds to shoot and hit iron (24-second shot clock, remember) and that it was generally boring basketball to watch a guy bulldoze his way to the bucket methodically, the NBA implemented the rule I mentioned above. The lowdown was a player could not play with his back to the basket while dribbling the ball when he was below the free throw line for more than 5 seconds. The rule essentially was a 5-second possession violation overall (i.e., mainly in high school and college, the bottom line was pass it or shoot it within 5 seconds or it was a turnover) and helped make the game a lot more exciting. It was annoying to watch a lot of players steamrolling the opposition with the ball and even MORE annoying when all this bull-in-a-china-shop ballhandling didn’t result in a score. Fans would stomach a bully with the roundball if it meant a dunk, otherwise…

But that’s what’s on the table today as Chris “Shaq in a china shop” Schuring is about to back down Herman “Apple Top” Munster IV in a key possession. And Shaq might have gotten away with several knockdowns in the 3-second area (though I highly respected his game) but no way did Shaq EVER grace the floor, either as a Magic or a Laker displaying those ugly socks Chris has on. Did he raid his mom’s lingerie drawer and drag out some L’Eggs from the ’70’s and dance with John Travolta under the disco ball in those things?

And surely Appleknocker Pate doesn’t have his hand on Chris’ derriere. We’re worrying profusely about the trapezoidal footwear without being concerned that if the refs don’t call hand-checking, the defense of the dribbler might get a little more personal. If ol’ Apple Knob’s Cooper’s Droop extends to his hands, Chris might be literally caught with his pants down while backing his man down in the paint. I’m gonna go groovin’ so ya better get movin’, indeed.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Cochran Rushed To Milford General After Head Caught In Trunk While Loading Case Briefs!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J.: I told him one of these days that Fuji Apple would get him killed. A lotta times, he used to bang his head on my condo entrance.”

 

Now allow me to pick apart P3 because I know it’s a little confusing. Chris is wanting you to THINK that the Springfield player has the ball and he’s wanting the Springfield players to think the Springfield player has the ball but actually he is threading the needle for a DALE DAVIS DUNK (Boyle, you and Slick worked that to a frenzy) while Spike Lee is sitting with Mimi in the stands, right behind Joe Fan’s sit-down crotch shot, yelling SOMEONE GET ON MILLER, and Chris wants you and the Springfield defense to THINK that the Springfield player is going to steal the ball and go down the other end for a DALE DAVIS dunk while the nearest Mudlark has Cooper’s Droop in his jock strap but actually that pass will glance off of Spike Lee’s goatee and ricochet to the Milford center for a MARCELL IRBY DUNK and resulting in Cooper Drooping even more and that Gil’s waste basket will become a Nerfhoop for his kids to play with in the hallway of their home, the damn thing so bent out of shape and resembling Apple Top’s sneakers but that’s the way Coach Thorp drew it up in the playbook.

Would you like for me to repeat that?

 

Mark Boyle and Bobby “Slick” Leonard broadcasting the Mudlarks

“…there appears to be some consternation as the Springfield player got his hair caught in the rim while executing an 180. I’ve never seen anything like that, Slick.”

“Boy o boy, Mark, Artis Gilmore performed some nasty windmills when I was coaching the Pacers against him in the ABA but he never got his afro stuck in Gil’s waste basket.”

“This is REALLY Cooper’s Droop as the Springfield guy is hanging out in no-man’s land. Looks like the Knicks after Reggie drained a 3 on ’em. Slick, I think we better go to a commercial break, with the score after 3, Springfield, 49, Milford, 47. We’ll be for the 4th quarter in a moment.”

 

Because I’m still a little fuzzy on the concept of Direct Cremation that a local funeral home is advertising

“Nobody likes to think about dying. Lord knows after several centuries, it could be any day before My Lord and Savior calls me Home.

Hello, this is Dr. Pearl with Milford Funeral Solutions and I have some wonderful news for you. You may choke the chicken eventually but at Milford Funeral Solutions you will not be left high and dry when they burn your dead corpse at the stake.

Milford Funeral Solutions works with the latest advanced technology when you or a loved one wish to be cremated. The Puro-Fire Technique assures those in doubt that the Dearly Departed will dearly depart. No mess, no loose bones in the casket after emerging from the crematorium. Fires that would burn the country of Uganda on a rainy day laced with a chemical, phenyltetraheliomethanol, guarantee that nobody’s rear end will be singed while entering the Elysian Fields. According to an article in the current Milford Mortuary Science Monthly, one funeral home was compelled to use a Zippo lighter to finish the task at hand.  I’m not sure how you feel about this but if my second cousin-twice-removed-fifth-generation had to be soaked in Match-Lite to start the grill, his service as an armed guard in the Peasants’ Revolt came to naught. Leave Indirect Cremation for the grilled barbecue chicken at your family reunion.

And cost is no problem. Easy payment plans are available to sustain the distress you go through, knowing that your relative will literally be going up in smoke. Bring in 2 pay stubs from your job plus your latest tax returns and financing a funeral pyre is a snap. Your relative is a good as reduced to ashes in Gil’s waste basket.

Come see for yourself and see why Milford Funeral Solutions says “You earned ’em, we burned ’em.”

 

Gang, it’s all yours. I’m going to diagram that play in P3 and see if we can reverse the ball.

 

“That took a nasty cut. You might want to shave it off and let it grow back. Reggie will be out of town for 3 months, you oughta be good.”

 

“Mimi, if you’re not careful, you’re going to get Cooper’s Droop.”

“Gil, I have plenty of Playtex’s in the bureau. Quit your whining.”

“I was talking about your basketball season.”

December 24, 2019

Betcha Can’t Muench Just One.

Filed under: actual action, basketball, Marty Moon — tdrewhardin @ 10:47 am

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Gang, I hope and pray all of you have a very Merry Christmas. Let God shower you with gifts and blessings. It is a time to rejoice and spend time with family and friends. May the Holiday Season be a Season of Joy.

For me, as a Christian, it is an opportunity to remember the Birth of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He has done SO MUCH for me that I couldn’t continue to write this blog without mentioning that. I am nothing without Him. As much as I love goodies in my stocking, it is also a time to celebrate His Peace and Presence. Amazing how it all goes hand in hand.

However you worship, be true to the God you serve and take time out from your schedule to celebrate.

I am thankful for YOU, Gang. You mean so much to me. I am nothing without you TWIMers.

 

Interesting that Marty Moon mentions Thomas Muench as one of the starters. Now if you’re going to pronounce that the German way, pucker your lips as tightly as you can and say the word “cheese”. Now take that sound and apply it to that name, everything else like “munch” but adding in that sound I just mentioned. That’s the best German on tap.

The name is actually in place of an umlaut that is supposed to be placed over the “u” and the name was originally “Munch” with that umlaut included. My guess would be that when Germans immigrated, it was easier to Americanize and drop the umlaut and add the letter “e” and pronounce it like “Meench”. Pronunciation took the lazy route(ha) .

But that’s how “Kuebler” like “Keebler elves” got to be pronounced. Again, it was easier to cut the Gordian knot and make it easier for everyone to sound out, American or otherwise. Another good example is Koehler (German for “coal miner”) , only this time the umlaut got removed from the “o” (if you want to pronounce the umlauted “o”, pucker your lips halfway and say “shay”) and the name got pronounced like KAY-ler.

 

Now as long as Marty Moon is going to be lazy himself and sound like he got his brain taken out of him like the gorillas did on The Planet of the Apes: The Year They Conquered WDIG, he can at least go the way of Chris Berman. The dude was great for ESPN with all his nicknames he gave the baseball players when he was recapping the game a la “…and Babe ‘They named a candy bar after me’ Ruth hits one deep to left field off of Randy ‘You rang’ Lerch to tie the game. Next batter, Keith ‘Should have never been a Met’ Hernandez doubles off the wall, Willie ‘Reading this plot is like going through a’ Mays cannot get to it. Then ‘Wizard of’ Ozzie Smith lines one off of Gene ‘Lieutenant’ Garber to drive in the winning run, ball game.”

Oooooookkkkk, so here we go if Marty broadcasts for ESPN in the Mudlark gym as the “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” theme blasts out

“Ladies and Gentlemen, at forwards will be Chris ‘The Season is a time for’ Schuring and Leonard ‘Ian’ Fleming. At center will be Marcell ‘Morceau’ Irby, and at guards will be ‘The Song of the’ Hiawatha James and Thomas ‘Lays’ Muench. They are coached by Gil ‘Forgot to clock in’ Thorp. Interesting that he changed his sobriquet last week from Gil ‘You don’t add an ‘e’ to my name, dammit, like Jim’ Thorp. The officials tonight are Joe ‘Homer’ Numbknuckle and George ‘Christmas comes early to the Thorp’s residence whenever I’m officiating in the Mudlark gym’ Thompson.”

Okay, I went a little wild with the last few. It’s Christmas, the time for giving.

Huge shout-out to Amberdean Adwell of Louisville, Kentucky. I gained a lot of respect for her yesterday when the Pizza Hut on Dixie Highway and Lower Hunters Trace was just SWAMPED. Her grace under pressure and deft aplomb got us all out of a very tight spot so that we could all laugh about it later on. Sounds like leadership to me. She proved why she is one of the managers and why people respect that. She also goes to school as well. Gang, I think that represents America and how America should go about its business. Anyone who can balance work and personal life like that deserves my respect and should get yours as well, Gang. Next time you see her, Gang, salute her. America needs her.

 

And then Thorpiverse graces us with a stocking stuffer, those crotch shots in P1. When I was taking TV Techniques in high school, Mr. Edelman, our teacher,  made his point how big of a no-no the Crotch Shot was by allowing the camera to be zoomed in on him while he’s being interviewed, then standing up to stretch while the camera man was caught napping. Mr. Edelman made his point.

But Thorpiverse is proudly wearing the Crotch Shot as a Badge of Honor as if that is all there is to basketball. I may not hit the backboard when I’m shooting 3’s or jump higher than a hippo when I’m going for the rebound but if my see-through gym shorts and matching jock strap are good enough for the camera, by gum, I’m on the team. No tryout necessary.

I’ll have to remember that the next time I’m watching The NBA on CBS at Christmas.

“Reggggiiiiieeeeee for 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

BOOM BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“And the Pacers lead by 12 with 3:53 left in the 3rd quarter. Slick, you think Reggie oughta pull up his shorts?”

“I was wonderin’ if anybody had noticed. The camera guy musta spilled his Starbucks when Reggie was shootin’, Mark.”

 

Then, besides Ted Bessell taking in a game after a heated argument with That Girl on where to move the Christmas tree (“Not near the World Book Encyclopedias!!!!!!!!! And I’m not using Gil’s hair as a star for the top of the tree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, I noticed Bobby Howry taking in a game. Or so the Milford Enquirer would have you think

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Mimi Thorp: ‘I Saw Booby And Elvis In The Home Opener!!!!!!!!!!!!! They Were Sitting By The Visitors’ Bench!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Elvis escorted out by security after lewd comments directed at Gil’s mother.

 

Gang, I’m a Classic Rocker ’til I die (The Rolling Stones, The Who, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, etc.) but don’t the rest of you Classic Rockers or population in general get annoyed when those so-called commercial-free Classic Rock stations prate about how commercial-free they are?

“We’re commercial-free so we don’t do any talking. We know when to shut up when all the other stations keep flapping their jaws and talk about Happy Hour at Milford Lounge or The Bucket because we can’t stand it when the DJ talks about how wonderful Breeze detergent is, that it makes his clothes whiter than Porter Waggoner’s hair or Dolly Parton’s Cold Creme and that he wipes his ass with the Breeze towel that came out of the Breeze Detergent box when he’s not using it to polish Gil’s bowling ball, we know when to shut up when the other radio stations won’t shut up, we know how to keep Mimi’s love affairs to a minimum-”

MOON, STFU AND PLAY THE MUSIC

“And that was my station manager making a request, The Purple People Eater, spinning your way now…”

 

And isn’t that what we’ve endured the last 2 weeks?

“Other comic strips talk on and on but we here at Thorpiverse know when to get to the point. While Dennis the Menace pitches a tent in Mr. Wilson’s living room, Alexa the IBM is swatting away her opponent’s shot, while Charlie Brown is calling Linus a wussie for clinging to his security blanket for 3 months, Mudlarks are displaying their private parts as a sign they’re ready for Tip-off…”

PLAY THE DAMN GAME, THORPIVERSE AND LEAVE HAL BACK AT IBM

There, I feel better.

 

Come to Jeff Smith Marathon in Edwardsville, Indiana and say hi to Crystal, Bre, and Georgiana. They keep the place humming and treat the customer like family. And the place is ALWAYS busy. They are ALWAYS working on cars and trucks. Do things VERY well and at affordable prices and you have a winning business. Factor in great gasoline and my vehicle is on the road chewin’ up the miles. Don’t take my word for it. Take Exit 118 off I-64 in Indiana and get on Indiana 62 west. Once off the freeway, it’s the first road to your left. You can’t miss the building. Come see what I mean and get in on the fun at Jeff Smith Marathon.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where EVERYBODY knows your name. Crystal and Bre and Georgiana know mine.

 

 

And the action indicates that all of Springfield’s basketball team, bench included, will utilize the Doc Councilman Indiana University Swimming Breast Stroke Method to shoot 3’s, being somewhat guarded by the Mudlark with the pancake on his head. Well, there might be a few bugs in the system but we have action. One can’t have one’s cake and eat it too.

“Who’s guarding that guy with the yarmulke? Stay on him, he’s got 13 already.”

 

If ya git promoted ta producer cuz ya wuz the cameraman for RBN (Redneck Broadcasting Network) and ya showed more crack than a sidewalk when they wuz lined up fer the free throws ta be shot, ya might be a redneck.

 

But in P3, who’s doing the clamping? The Mudlark looks like he’s getting a garden hose job while Edward InvertedScissorsHands is making an attempt to secure the ball, futile as it appears to be.

We appreciate Thorpiverse getting an early jump on basketball, Lord knows we were holding our breath until Valentine’s Day but the Mudlark in P3 appears to about to get the Pile Driver applied to him. Oh well, if this is Thorpiverse’s way of clamping down, shooting a breakaway layup while getting body-slammed, it’s a start.

 

“Yeah, yeah, Coach Thorp, I know when to shut up. The other players may say ‘up yours’ and ‘Only The Muppets can coach better than you’ and ‘Bob Knight threw a chair at your wife’s 5-game season’ but I know how to shut up and listen to you teaching how to take a charge or readjust my jock strap when I’m itching like Lassie or get out of the lane before the ref calls 3 seconds unless we’re continually shooting at the basket-”

WHAM

“Shaddup.”

Looney Tunes will never be looked at the same way.

 

“And that’s halftime here in Springfield, with the score, Springfield, 31, Milford, 28. The Mudlarks have made some defensive adjustments, no thanks to Coach T.’s inept coaching, and they’re paying off here. If you’re in the area, come on down for the game. The gym is easy to locate, the building is the only one with crooked doors. And we’ll be back after these messages, this is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

 

“Isn’t high school basketball exciting. I can’t wait until Martin Luther King’s Birthday when we host the Kris Kringle Holiday Tournament.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp and speaking of exciting, Milford Beverage Warehouse has a promo for you. For every bottle of Korbel Extra Dry Champagne you buy, the Warehouse will enter you in our Sweepstakes Drawing for a chance to win a trip for four to the Budweiser Clydesdale Horse Farm. Boy, I’d love to show my kids how they make horses and Bud Lite straight out of the stable. And no better time for romance than for me and Mimi to walk the Clydesdale and Coffee Tree Heritage Trail that runs through the woods of the estate. Even as we speak, I’m envisioning kissing under a poplar tree while some squirrel is barking its head off at a nearby oak tree. Nuts and nuzzling just go together like a Bud Dry and pretzels.

But even if you don’t win, you won’t go away empty-handed. The consolation prize is a bag of liquor goodies guaranteed to cure the beer tooth in your family. I understand some lucky loser is going to have a plastic bag of a bottle of Four Freedoms Vodka, The Recipient Cabernet in the 750 ml size, some M & M’s, a coupon for a free Bucket Buffalo Chicken Burger, a set of Paper-Mate pens in blue ink, and a $25 gift card from Milford 24-Hour Coin Laundry. Y’know, I’m in Heaven whenever I’m steam-cleaning my Hanes while sipping on a Cabernet, aren’t you? And even if you don’t get a chance to take the Clydesdale wagon for a ride around the lake, you may not have your Class B license, but you may have a chance at a plastic bag full of Miller High Life in the 12-Pack, 1.75 Liter bottle of Evan Williams Bourbon, a bag of Cheetos, Jalapeno-style, Gillette Trac II Triple Blade Disposable Razors, and some Breeze towels. Hey, Porter Waggoner knows where to go for the best deals on booze.

And even better news is this year’s event will be held under the tight security of the Milford Police Department Horse Patrol Guard. There’ll be no more incidents like last year of any shooting while a plastic bag of Coors Light 18-Pack and Tootsie Rolls is attempted to be doled out to its rightful owner. Rifle checks will be taken at the door, so please, you miscreants, don’t ruin all the fun just because you didn’t get your Bud and Blow Pops. Leave the gun on the gun rack.

Come in and enter for your chance to watch how Clydesdales breed and let the birds and bees shower you with gifts notwithstanding, only at Milford Beverage Warehouse. And tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Thanks to Chloe Whitaker who helped spark the last comedy idea. Your Christmas gift of a bag of goodies and gift card was extremely thoughful and shows how much you care about the people working under you.  Treat her with respect, Gang, she’s earned it. God bless you, Chloe.

 

Gang, enjoy the Holidays. God bless you again.

 

Holiday Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Clydesdale horse found mixed up with meat processed from Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage plant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J.: ‘I told Cochran I was wondering why my Kielbasa Fritters and Pancakes breakfast tasted funny.”

 

Mugsy and Rocky rob the Milford Federal Credit Union and get in the getaway car. They find Bobby Howry and Bugs Bunny in the back seat, the latter pair thinking it’s a taxi

“Awright, Booby, whattya know?”

“Know? I know Bugs Bunny could broadcast better than Marty Moon, Milford is the capital of Cartoonland, Gil has no sex life with Mimi and has 2 kids to show for it-

SHADDAP

“Oh, don’t you worry, Rocky, when I’m told to shut up, I shut up, I don’t drag a plot for 5 months and call it football, when I know I should shave like Chet Ballard, I shut up-”

SHADDAP

Mugsy, driving the getaway car, intervenes

“Duhhhhhhh, gee, Boss, Bugs and Booby are right, the basketball plot could last until Memorial Day and I don’t want no basketballs at the Indy 500-”

SHADDAP THORPIVERSE

 

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