This Week in Milford

March 10, 2020

The Tales Of Teddy Blue

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots, Pantheon of Hair — tdrewhardin @ 2:59 pm

Ooooooo, ooo, ooo, Teddy Blue

Telling tall tales that never come true

What’s reality but fresh coffee grinds

A comb in your staid mousse, you’ll more likely find


Spending academic life in detention hall

Never cracked a book nor shot a ball

Hooked the coaches who lend an ear

All the forlorn tripe that they care to hear


Oooooooo, ooo, ooo, Teddy Blue…


Hoo boy. We have gone farther than the Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea. But that contraption had chances to resurface to get provisions and catch its breath. This travesty of justice is worse than Howdy Doody in dire need of Sweeny Todd. Evidently, Thorpiverse played Connect the Dots with Howdy’s face and never connected the dots. Just as well. Even if you did, the beard would never reach Chet Ballard’s rug and God help us if we were to find out the truth. That Chet and Teddy Blue were both not adept at telling the truth, beard or no beard. If you use shaving cream, your ethics still have to be cleaner than Dr. Pearl’s desktop. I’m not going to her office to see if there’s any clutter. Just keep the door closed and continue down the hallway.

And shame on Gil for listening to a teenage lout who figures mightily in a career in savings-and-loan scandals. The cad has already received detention and his props were confiscated. One of my favorite movies is “Punchline”. The premise centered around a NYC comedy club employing aspiring, promising comedians, the club managed by a no-nonsense, suffer-no-fools-gladly individual. Tom Hanks plays a medical school failure and Sally Fields, a New Jersey suburban homemaker, both of them VERY promising comedians. John Goodman, for the record, plays Fields’ husband who is solidly against her funnybone ambitions and does just about anything to undermine it.

Anyway, it’s like Teddy Blue getting bombed out of the same club, his props landing in a place where the NYC garbageman can take it away, then Teddy Blue returning to the manager for a second chance, begging the manager, who’s eating lunch at The Bucket, for a second chance and the manager, over Bucket Tex-Mex Bar-B-Q and Bucket Trafalgar Pudding, getting a soft heart and letting him back on stage. And digging his banjo and harmonica out of the city dump. Better make sure the chicken bones and other yucky trash didn’t de-string the banjo or clog up the harmonica. If he was telling lies to Coach Thorp in the faculty lounge with a Jew’s harp, I’d feel better.


Because I really don’t know what Trafalgar pudding is, though I otherwise enjoyed reading “Madame Bovary”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Discovers That Trafalgar Pudding Was Hindering Schuring’s Development!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cost The Mudlarks At Least 2 Games!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I have him on a strict diet. Just raw turnips and Bucket Veggie Burgers. No more carbs.”


And when the tree is about the only thing uglier than Teddy Blue’s scuzz and/or testimony, we are in deep Mudlark droppings. Be sure you have plenty of windshield fluid to wipe off the mess.

Gil, I have one question: Did it ever occur to you to check with Chris after the doo doo drops on the windshield? Or do you naturally assume that Chris is perched in a catalpa tree somewhere and couldn’t contain the runs and your car just happened to be nearby. Just askin’.


Ooooooo, ooo, ooo, Teddy Blue

What’s this game, Jerk, you don’t want to lose

Planting slander to spread and defame

Little wonder that slime mars your name


Lugs a partner around, reluctant to rave

You ought to fly right and get a shave

People listen but I don’t comprehend

Why they treat him like a long-lost friend


Ooooooo, ooo, ooo, Teddy Blue…


Oh boy, what a way to get to the bottom of this charade by having a conference in The Streaky Room. The Stinky Room was already taken, the Math Bowl Competition going at full fury there. I think Oakwood was leading the other schools at the last turn, apparently memorizing fractions, until the wee hours no less, paid dividends. Luhm will be in later to use Pine-Sol on the dog poop on the abacus.

Coach Thorp, it is bad enough that Luhm did a lousy job with the Windex but do we really have to see crooked rainbows before we FINALLY consult Chris Schuring on what happened? Gee, an Honor student who is about as squeaky-clean as those windows is being left out in the cold while the truth is being sought. And when you just show up in streaky faculty lounges to intimidate and brow-beat students after you’ve called in sick for the season, then allow equal weight to Teddy Blue’s word in proportion to Chris’ testimony, somebody ought to whop you on side yo’ hair with one of those Thor bolts in the window.

When I was taking education classes, Dr. Kenzie (God love the man, he’s in a better place) talked about the time when he entered the boys room to take a whiz, he caught a Summa Cum Laude smokin’ in the room. Dr. Kenzie had a dilemma on his hand. Do you suspend a Valedictorian and ruin his academic career or do you slap him on the wrist, knowing the student won’t be stupid next time but obviously sagging on School Policy?

The sad thing is, this is really not a dilemma. It’s open-and-shut. Gil, open your eyes and tell Teddy Blue to shut up. And clean his Heath Bar stains on the window.


Today’s Women’s History Month entry goes to a woman I admire and respect, Dr. Sherry B. Darrell. She was Professor of English at University of Southern Indiana for several years. People never gave USI much of a chance when it first started out, many calling it West Side High (USI is west of Evansville, Indiana) . She was a major reason for the school’s growth and prestige. I thought I learned everything about writing and composition until I took her class. She was VERY knowledgeable and on top of the latest developments. And I learned how to make my writing have some bite to it. Crutch Verbs (such as “put”, “have”, “is”, etc.) brought down your writing; words with punch e.g., “kick”, “cram”, “plunge”, etc. gave sentences more life. And made readers want to read. She has been a heavy influence in my life. Dr. Darrell, I salute you. Rest well in retirement.


“…what do I look like, John Goodman, Twin Towers in the background, yelling at Mimi and telling her she’s not funny and if she want’s a career at comedy clubs, she’s going to have to dump the Charlie’s Angels look?”






“Don’t worry. There’s still tonight. And I understand the executives from ABC-TV will be in the crowd. Just tune the banjo and pry that old chewing gum out of the harmonica. You’ll knock ’em dead. I got faith in ya.”


If ya rat on yore buddy ta the Game Warden over trumped-up charges of huntin’ deer out of season and ya plant a dead deer in the guy’s trunk ta sub-stan-chee-ate yore claims, ya might be a redneck.


“Manager at the Milford Comedy Club, my name is not on the list.”

“Aw, Gil, you’re a coach in the past. We’re dealing with coaches in the future. Hell, you weren’t even in the picture IN the past, let alone the present. Now, c’mon, we need you to get out at a table and cheer on the other coaches. And the Mudlar-K-Cola’s on the house for you. I understand Hanks wants to coach Oakwood. Let’s help him land the position.”

“I brought my own Stella Artois.”

“Whatever, let’s help him along and help Fields be his assistant.”


Again, we are reading our weekly dose of dumbing-down journalism. OF COURSE Alexa would never do something as stupid as jeopardize her own academic future by accepting cheat sheets from Teddy Haskell. That’s as plain as that oak door that must have been created by Iron Butterfly when they weren’t crooning “In-a-goda-da-Vida” down at the Milford Lounge.

Then again, for that matter, neither would Chris. But leave it to Gil to make this a Rocket Science project. We gotta make this interesting the next few weeks until baseball which is still an eternity away, TST (Thorpiverse Standard Time) . That explains why Gil is buying Elmer’s Glue down at Milford Apothecary to construct the model rocket engine, panels, nose, exhaust system, astronauts’ lounge, joystick, etc. and stick all the piece together. He might have that damn thing up and running so that Keri and Jaime can watch it fly in the garage before the cat attacks it and takes it for a mouse.

And it’s all because he had coupons ready for the Elmer’s Glue and Jack Daniels when he was standing in line at Milford Apothecary. Not getting the facts first had its privileges.


“…and 2 of them didn’t even like him. They were offended at his coaching-”

“We’ll be back to see who gets the brass ring at the Milford Comedy Club between Mimi and Sally after these messages. This is WDIG-TV”


At the Milford Meijer at the kiddie riding horse



“Mommy, Daddy’s been on that horsey for an hour and I wanna ride!!!!!!!!!!!”

“It’s OK, Keri. Gil, you’re causing a scene. Don’t you think you ought to get off and let the kids have some fun?”

“Oh, I’m gettin’ off all right. And I’ve never been harder. It took an hour but I’m as solid as a church. Thank God I brought plenty of pennies.”

“Mommy, what does he mean? I never knew horsey’s could make churches. I always thought they made ponies.”

“Honey, if he doesn’t get off that horse, he’ll be eating ponies at the Milford Moto-Lodge for their Continental Breakfast.”

“Mimi, I’m pretending like I’m at the Milford Rodeo and you’re a stallion that keeps trying to buck the issue. But if I hang on, you’ll take it and like it. This works better than Meta-Mucil. It’s got good roughage but my hose just hung on the clothesline.”

“Mommy, people are staring, wondering what he’s talking about. Is he trying to poop on the horse?”

“Better than pooping on me, I suppose. Gil, I just bought these Super-Power Erec-for-Fun 3400 medications. Milford Men’s Clinic sells them over-the-counter at stores like Meijer. You don’t have to get on to get up.”

“You mean, I can’t yell Hi-yo Silver to put the exclamation point on my Dysfunction?”

“Mommy, I’m hungry. Daddy said we’re going to Long John Silver’s.”


“Wow. The medication started me up and me and Mimi never stopped, never stopped, never stopped. This grown man had a great time and the kids had a great time on Trigger. Can I get a witness? Oh, and we ate at Long John Silver’s after all was said and done. Ummmm, ummm, Fish ‘n’ More Platters and gettin’ it on in bed, we only needed Bucket Tartar Sauce for one of them. I’ll leave it to your imagination. The Milford Men’s Clinic. Where ridin’ the Chisholm Trail can be Disneyland along the way.”


Gang, you mean the world to me. And if Gil will get the facts before walking in streaky rooms with Etch-a-Sketch doors, I think we’ll call it a deal.



“Hey, Mimi. What are you doing in New Jersey?”


March 5, 2020

This Farce Is On The House.


7:14PM-We did stake-out in front of the Milford Public Library. My partner, Bill Gannon, was munching on his 7th Baconator w/ Swiss Cheese while I was about to smoke through my carton of Bel-Air’s. We were sure the illegal operation was going through the doors of what was once a Carnegie Library but we had to be careful. We couldn’t ID a patron’s library card without a warrant and we also didn’t want to blown away by a little old lady with an Uzi under her collection of mystery novels like Sue Grafton’s “M is for Milford”.

We hit paydirt. A gentleman who exhibited the ugliest Mr. T filament I had ever seen since they cancelled “The A-Team” walked into front entrance with more test aids than Barron’s. And I had a hunch he wasn’t headed to one of the conference rooms for a book discussion on Ray Bradbury’s “Golden Apples of the Sun.”

“Police officers!!!!!!!! Get your hands up and spread ’em out!!!!!!! Bill, frisk ’em for any weapons!!!!!!!”

“Mr. Friday, if you have overdue library items, we can renew them for 3 more weeks. You have 1 renewal allowance left.”

“Don’t try anything cute. I know you have illegal shipments of PSAT exams somewhere. Bill, check under the Xerox copier.”

“Mr. Friday, I assure you, we haven’t any illegal materials or drugs. And if we see or hear anything suspicious, we do our duty as citizens to call the police.”

“That’s what the commander at Pearl Harbor said and there were bombs in his file cabinet. Don’t try to cover this bomb or the judge will convict you on a Section 75, Article 401, “Illegal Storage of Educational and Public Institutional Reading Provisions Within and On General Library Property”. A confession now will lighten the sentence.”

“Joe, maybe she’s right. All I found at the copier was the crossword puzzle section out of the Milford Enquirer. Somebody forgot to take it off the glass.”

“Awwwwrrightt, you were lucky this time. But if I spot so much as a take-home portion of the SAT on the Fiction shelves, I’m gonna run you in and you better have a good lawyer. We’ll be back.”


Gang, you Dirty Harry buffs remember the scene where a psycho who’s on a killing rampage pays this bruiser to beat the tar out of him so that this psycho can frame the police and make it appear like police brutality? This bully just keeps beating him and beating him, finally the bully lands a crusher on him and says “This one’s on the house.”

And when I saw Teddy and his oversize hand throw the contraband on Chris, I felt like that psycho.

“Gil, you mean you want me to kick you in the nuts and rip your hair so that you can have a reason to call in sick? You’re not around much anyway. And I don’t like getting Brylcream all over me.”

“Please do it. Dr. Pearl said I couldn’t use any more sick days and unless I got ran over by the Milford & Oakwood Midnight Special, I was to fulfill the rest of my teacher’s contract and coach the balance of the season. And my cruise ship tickets to The Bahamas are non-refundable.”





“This one’s on the house, Mimi.”



Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Sting Operation At Testing Site At Milford Community College Nets $1.7 Million In Confiscated Hot SAT Materials!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Detective Friday: ‘I noticed one of the dealers carrying a Magic Marker into the classroom instead of 2 #2 pencils. And when he didn’t have his calculator, that’s when I put the finger on him. Those punks never had a chance.”



Boy o boy, we got the package today. Dark Shadows Hand in P1 and now The Streak in P2. And I remember when Dan Curtis, who produced Dark Shadows, screened actors for his show so that it would be that much scarier. He wanted people who were REALLY freaky, were excellent actors, and were terrific with the public. Jonathan Frid, who played Barnabas Collins, was a good example. He was a veteran Shakesperean actor and was super with the fans. He would stop on the streets to sign an autograph. People loved him. And when you saw his displaying those vampire teeth on the TV screen, that just confirmed the issue.

Well, Teddy can’t act and it’s hard for me to believe after he got detention that he has a good rapport with the hoi polloi BUT he is super freaky with that hairdo. He’s 1/3 of the way there should the networks return Dark Shadows to the spotlight. He might catch up by then, especially if he quits getting detention for sticking sting bombs in Barnabas’ coffin. Don’t hold your breath.

Anybody who leaves a streak, er, trail with Kaplan’s AP Guide to Trigonometry ledger notes on the Head Librarian’s desk is in serious need of reform. Those cosine and sine functions in the doorway attest to that.






“This one’s on the house.”


“Dude, did you have to that to Dr. Pearl? I don’t care how much she paid you. She’s got a face that was born before the French and Indian War.”


2:31PM, Next day-In order to nab these vermin in the act, we had to think like them. So we had Bill Gannon pose as a conferderate. He was to be an SAT Test buyer and so he had to learn the tricks of the trade. It wasn’t going to be easy because Bill barely passed high school. Last-minute intervention by Dr. Pearl kept Gannon from being sent on the front line at the Battle of the Bulge. He owed her one.

“Joe, I think I have this down pat. I had a little trouble with the Essay Section but I got an ‘A’ n my term paper at the Milford Police Academy on ‘Criminal Tactics on Bucket Burger Swindlers’. And I got my calculator in case he tries to pull an arctan on me. I memorized the Math Section cold. I bet I’d score an 800 easily.”

“The real test is when those punks try to smell you out. Your testimony better be tight. Let’s go over the Verbal Section one more time.”

“Sure, Joe. Okay, Mr. Punk, I looked over these analogies and they appear to be in good working order. BASKETBALL:INERTIA seem to align with SPORTS:NONEXISTENCE. And I filled in the blanks with ‘Gil ______________ the season in order to party even if the populace_________________ for more activity’ with ‘trashed’ and ‘clamored’. Gotta watch those opposites. I almost answered ‘consummated’. I’ll take ’em. Got plenty of Benjamin’s. Name your price.”

“You’ll knock ’em dead, Bill.”

Slightly peppy music imbues Dragnet while Bill and Joe leave the physics lab.


If ya bribe the guy at the bar so ya can git the answer sheet to yore arithmatic ex-am-in-na-shun and finally pass 3rd grade and the ne’er-do-well throws in a slide rule ab-suh-lute-ly gratis, ya might be a redneck.


“Okay, it all checks out. The logarithm of 100 is 2 so ‘None of the above’ is the correct answer. And I’ll give in on the Antonym Section. I reckon ‘hirsute’ is the opposite of ‘immaculate’. You drive a hard bargain. I still say it’s ‘shiny’. Remember, it’s NEAREST in meaning. But if you’ll throw in a Videocassette on ‘Big Jake’s Sweating to a 1600 on the SAT’, I’ll call it even.”


“Gentlemen, I need the goods if you want the cash.”

“Okay, Jiffy Pop Head, you go with Frank and get the stuff out of the van. Here’s the key.”

“I got a better idea LET’S ALL GO POLICE OFFICERS YOU’RE UNDER ARREST!!!!!!!!!!”




“You got a warrant?”

“Right here wedged in this test booklet, punk. You better start asking what oars you’re gonna need when you get sent up the river.”

“I was only doing what any Robin Hood would do to help a poor schmuck to Harvard. I ain’t all bad.”

“Son, you can’t just hock answer sheets and crib notes out of the professor’s vertical file at Milford Community College. There’s laws against that. Personally, I don’t want a guy majoring in electric engineering at MIT with egg on his conscience. What’d you find in the briefcase, Joe?”

“The price tag is still fresh on the ‘Barron’s Prep Guide to Better Scores on the SAT’, answers included. Straight out of the Milford CC Bookstore. He doesn’t have a prayer before the judge.”

“Jiffy Pop Head, didn’t I tell you to burn those tags?”

“I couldn’t help it. They’re made out of the same material as Gil’s hair.”

“So’s your brain.”








“Luhm, I’m stickin’ this broom handle up your butt on the house.”



“This is Marty Moon with a Special Report at Milford High School where the janitor was brutalized. Mr. Luhm, what happened?”

“Gil did all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him I couldn’t wax the floor until after the players left the scrimmage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He’ll pay for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”



Dum da dum dum

Dum da dum dum


“This farce you have just seen is true. The names are unfortunately true and exposing the innocent.

“On March 4th, trial was held in the cafeteria of Milford High School at the PTA meeting. In a moment, the results of that trial.”


“Folks, I hope those smugglers get the book thrown at them. Whether it’s Dan-O or Joe Friday, nobody more than me likes to see a guy strapped to a chair because McGarrett or Friday caught them breaking into a student’s locker and stealing that student’s Pudding Pops.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. And, boy, do I have a menu for you while you’re watching Friday hangin’ ’em high at Tombstone. Our enterprises and El Tarasco Restaurant have joined together to provide you with even better quality products that you can snarf straight off the TV tray.

Try our new Gil Thorp Italian Sausage ‘n’ Enchiladas Verdes. Mmmmmm, mmm, I can almost smell Mimi smokin’ ’em off the electric stove. With that aroma and Milford Dairies Sour Cream, I’m bettin’ Joe Friday nails then in the next Dragnet episode when the bad guys try to pillage the Milford Food Pantry for guacamole dip.

Are you a shrimp guy? No problem. Gil Thorp Sage Seasoned Sausage y Camarones al Chipotle is just the thing to lay on the grill when the gang comes over to watch Major League Baseball Game of the Week. And Chihuahua Cheese will bat a thousand every time when you’re topping the patties. Hey, and I didn’t know Camarones meant ‘shrimp’. I always thought it meant ‘camera’. Goes to show you us coaches are always learning a new play to put in the playbook.

And you quiche eaters out there who don’t buy grills can always indulge in Gil Thorp Mild Sausage Fajita Burrito Grande. Even Grandma will enjoy this Grande, especially when you marinate the Sausage of Choice. If you wussies want to go stronger, we have onions and peppers for just a few cents extra. Sometimes Joe Friday’s gotta play Rambo and throw tear gas in the faculty lounge if he wants the juvenile delinquents to surrender. We’re fine either way.

Come check out these and other fine Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage products in your grocers’ coolers. You don’t have to go south of the border for good eatin’. We’re right in your neighborhood.”



With Teddy and his buddy standing in front of a blank wall

“Teddy Demarco a/k/a Roger M. Klotz and Jiffy Pop Head were found guilty of two counts of “Illegal Test Preparation Trafficking” and 5 counts of “Harassment of Illegal Contraband onto the General Populace” according to Section 102, Article 9 of the Milford Municipal Legislative Compendium and is punishable by a fine of $35,000 on each count and not more than 5 years of Detention in the Study Hall with Parole set for 2 years by the Milford Parole Commission.”

“Demarco and Jiffy Pop Head are now serving Detention at Milford High School for 3 years.”


Gang, you mean the world to me. I bet you have better shooting form than Schuring too. Better arch, anyway.







“Oops, sorry, Gil. Had too many Camarones con arroz. Here’s a twenty back.”





March 3, 2020

“Hey, Funnie!!!!! I Got Some Crib Notes On The SAT For Sale!!!!!”


This is the city, Milford USA. It has its good points and its bad points. But I was born and raised here. I call it home.

Milford is like any other city. Good roads. Good schools. Fair tax system. And The Bucket is better than a Big Mac and tater tots any day of the week. And I can handle any rogue who tries to slip a BLT in his overalls because the Milford Soup Kitchen ran short on Campbell’s Chunky. But when a punk attempts to traffick illicit and illegal test items, that gutless coward filled in one too many blanks on the essay section with his #2 pencil. That’s when I go to work. My name’s Friday. I carry a badge.

It was rainy in Milford. The WDIG-TV weatherman called for hail the size of Mudlark practice balls later in the afternoon. But my partner, Bill Gannon, and I had a hailstorm and you couldn’t come of the rain on this one.

We were assigned to the Unlawful and Wrongful Distribution of Examinations and Quiz Substances Unit of the Milford Police Department. The boss is Captain Keener. We were advised to be on the lookout for vehicles peddling illegal SAT’s and other stolen test merchandise. The contraband could be in an Econoline van or a Roadway semi. Anything to throw off the trail.

“Gentlemen, we have a hot one and I’m tired of getting the once-over from the Mayor. So the sooner we can wrap this package and get it under the tree for Christmas, the better. But don’t be stupid. Don’t get your chest blown in two over an LSAT. And you can’t open the Milford Bed and Bath delivery truck without a warrant.”

“We understand. Are there any leads?”

“A couple. An anonymous tipster called and said he saw a Roehl Trucking piggy-back pull at the entrance to Milford High School gym. Said they were using dollies up and down the ramp. We put two and two together and figured you couldn’t fit slaughterballs on dollies. But the guy riding shotgun had one of his own so the tipster couldn’t get closer.”

“We have our Sig Sauers in our wallet. We’ll fire when necessary, Chief.”

“Hopefully it won’t come to that. I don’t want to lose you both over a sting operation gone awry.”

“Don’t worry. If Friday and I can handle John Dillinger without firing a shot, we can handle vermin who shot the proctor so they could improve their score on the Verbal section.”

Somber music as Friday and Gannon methodically leave Keener’s office


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Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everyone knows your name.


This is purely inane. What in the name of Nickelodeon is “Doug” doing on here???? Thorpiverse, if you’re going to drag bad guys out of the script heap, will you at least tell Roger M. Klotz that if he’s going to be trafficking test papers in the hallway to at least SHAVE? It’s bad enough that we have sunk to juvenile proportions just to sell a comic strip.

“Hey, Alexa, here’s some inside info on the Math portion of the SAT. It has all the trig ratios. And Funnie is still struggling with Corresponding Parts of Congruent Triangles are Congruent. You oughta knock him cold if you remember that cosine is the ADJACENT side divided by the hypotenuse. The difference between Milford Community College and Harvard.”

“No thank you, I don’t cheat. Where’d you get those Cliff’s Notes? Surely not the same location as your Trac II.”

“Naw, I stuck all my razors in Funnie’s locker. And told Mr. Bone that Doug Funnie stole them out of his desk when he was going to The Bucket to have lunch with Gil.”

“It shows.”


Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Injures Back At Milford Lounge During Karaoke Hour!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Was trying to duckwalk while playing ‘Maybelline’ on his banjo.”


10:14AM-It was windy in Milford. My partner, Bill Gannon, passed some gas and thankfully the zephyr blew most of the stench away. I told him to lay off the sausage biscuits off the Dollar Menu at the Drive-Thru at McDonald’s.

But the test operations ring was getting even stinkier. The good news was that one of the cafeteria ladies called and reported a suspicious pickup truck unloading milk crates at the entrance in the back of the cafeteria. Normally Milford Dairies appears in their Kenworth. It was time to investigate.

We talked with Constance Snakely, the head of the cafeteria, about the incident. Needless to say, the discussion wasn’t about overripe meat loaf on the school lunch menu.

“Awwwwwrrrigghtt, Mrs. Snakely. I could book you on a Section 347, “Manufacturing of Unlawful Condiments with Intent to Damage the Well-Being of the Academic Circles and its Constituents”, but the Milford Minimum Security Facility is overcrowded and I lost the key. But you better have the Twinkie rack in order on this one.”

“It’s that we had to utilize a Dodge Ram to bring in shipments of dairy products. But I am by the book on deliveries. Nothing escapes my eye. What would I do with a Barron’s Guide to the SAT? Store it in the cooler with the 2%?”

“Ma’am, my partner Friday is only doing his job. We have to ensure nothing is fishy. If a #2 pencil is found under a package of Sargento’s Sharp Cheddar, we could all wind up in the hoosegow. Just following procedure.”

“I understand. I hope you catch the crumbum who’s messing with my deliveries. I run a clean operation, you know. Kids and Minute Maid go together like Gil and Mimi.”

“You better pray Gil and Mimi aren’t discovered with a Ford Explorer with cottage cheese and Cliff’s Notes on Precal.”

Somber music as Friday and Gannon grab a bowl of chipped Jell-O and leave.


And why the heck is Jiffy Pop Head still following Roger Loser? Both had their prank props confiscated, both got detention, and to add insult to injury, NOBODY LAUGHED. When I was going to school, a student named Fred Seiler (SIGH-ler) would keep us in stitches in Mr. Stieler’s (Steeler) German class. And he NEVER got in trouble. Fred’s philosophy was that if you’re going to get sent to the Principal’s office, keep ’em laughing when you leave. ‘Nuff said.

So in P2, 2 Dead Men Walking

“Hey, Roger, why are they strapping us down to this chair? I thought you said The Governor implented a Stay of Execution.”

“I just got done talking to The Governor. He said that Dr. Pearl ought to remove this steel hat to our heads anytime.”

“Even if we dumped Doug’s body in the ditch behind Milford Beverage Warehouse?”

“Dr. Pearl just said ‘Boys will be boys’.”

“Whooaaa, don’t dump so much water on my head!!!!!!!”



If ya got fined by the Game Warden cuz ya cheated on the open-book portion of the Hunter’s License exam and he didn’t git notified of your illegal maneuver until after ya bagged a ten-pointer at the Fish & Wildlife Reserve behind the Thorp Pure Pork Sausages Enterprise plant, ya might be a redneck.


12:59PM-We were up in Ms. Rizk’s room and had to interrupt her Intro to Journalism-Lifetime Reports class. She was in the middle of discussing efficient methods on printing church bulletins when we knocked.

“I don’t know why you’re talking to me. I wouldn’t have anything to do with anything being smuggled in the gym. Have you talked to Coach Thorp?”

“He wasn’t in.”

“That figures. Recruit players to get their picture on the front page of the Milford Trumpet, then fly out of town on a luxury cruise, courtesy of Milford Travel. But that’s Gil.”

“Isn’t that a little odd? We keep finding answer sheets in the gym lockers and Gil is nowhere to be found.”

“He may be perpetually in absentia but he wouldn’t know what to do with stolen PSAT booklets. I did see a kid with a Mohawk in the girls’ gym when I was oiling my typewriter at the drinking fountain. He had reams of college-bound notebooks. He was headed to Mimi’s office.”

“Joe, that may lead us to something. Can’t hurt to look.”

“On it. Hope Mimi isn’t strangled with a lanyard from a referee’s whistle. Let’s go.”


P3 is just absolutely insulting our intelligence. Roger going on a wild goose chase to the Milford Dog Pound and finding out that Doug Funnie already paid the fine to get Porkchop out after Porkchop pee’d in Gil’s coffee at the Fellowship Breakfast at that Coffee Shop in P3 only makes a travesty out of a travesty.

Next thing you know, Roger will be looking in the ol’ swimming hole to see if Doug and Skeeter are in their birthday suits. Oh boy, don’t you just wonder if Roger is going to go through with it and plant those papers in Doug’s shorts?

“Mr. Funnie, why do you have a butt like Freezer Thompson?”

“Oh, gee, Mr. Bone, I’m sorry, I didn’t notice that bulge. I guess my butt had an erection.”

“Well, you march right to the boys room and adjust your pants before pre-algebra class. And don’t let me catch you with a boner in your crack again. We have decorum at this school and I intend to live by it.”

“Sure thing, Mr. Bone.”


Sure, stick some Cliff’s Note’s on The Taming of the Shrew up Patti Mayonnaise’s dress when Mr. Bone isn’t looking. Doug is sure to ace the Final on Shakespearean Theory if he doesn’t get caught. But if he does, not only will Mr. Bone make him sit on the bench and watch Phoebe coach the boys team since Gil is in The Bahamas, Doug’ll get suspended. Sound strategy. Use a plunger if the papers fall out.


“We’ll be back to see if Eddie Haskell has to go to Sing Sing after plotting crib notes in Beaver’s lunch box after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”



Knock!!!!!! Knock!!!!!! Knock!!!!!!


“Honey, it’s 1:00AM. Don’t you think you should come to bed? I’m all lonely and need some good vibrations.”

“Not now, Mrs. Shaw. I’m practicing for my upcoming gig at the Milford Lounge. I’m gonna do Chuck Berry one better. Why, I’ll be duck-walking in this bathtub before you can say ‘Chubby Checker’.”

“Darling, you need to unlock the door, put down the Jazz guitar and come to bed. I know you say it once belonged to John McLaughlin but that’s neither here nor there. Come to beddddyyyy-by, Honey Pie”


“My little Monkey, don’t you want to swing on a tree and be like Tarzan and jump on your precious Jane?”

“Woman, I’ll have the barstools rockin’ with Johnny B. Goode until the break of down


“Honey, you have no particular place to go when your Jazz guitar is more solid than your wim wim. Right?”


“How could I argue? I was goin’ to town but hadn’t reached my destination. But Milford Men’s Clinic changed all that. These new HARDCORE PLUS tablets took all the guesswork out of my Significant Other. Just a couple of tablets and a glass of water and Tarzan was truly King of the Jungle. The giraffes and lions ran off to see their Mama. And Mrs. Shaw was truly satisfied. She made the sweetest cinnamon Danish rolls at breakfast to seal our relationship. Come on down and get some Green Eggs and Ham for your limp garden hose and watch it spray. Only at Milford Men’s Clinic.


Gang, you make my world. And I don’t have to look in Mammoth Cave to find you. But Roger will go just about anywhere to exact revenge. I don’t think he’ll go to Antarctica. He wouldn’t stoop that low. Would he?


At the Indy 500

“I checked with the pit crew. They haven’t seen him.”

“I told you to look first in the library, dimwit.”


3:47PM-Bill and I drove over to the Coffee C Shoppe. We were told that the smugglers went there for cappuccino and doughnuts

“He about drained the Colombian pot dry. Thank God I ordered more Folger’s.”

“Did you see anything suspicious other than that? Did he stick the crib notes anywhere?”

“Yeah, Mr. Gannon, now that you mentioned it, he ordered a 3-piece chicken dinner, all-white, 2 breasts and a wing. He crammed something under the potato wedges. The biscuits were too small.”

“Any idea where he was going?”

“Said he was going to eat lunch at the Milford Trucking Terminal before he went back to work. What he does with crib notes and why he sticks ’em in an 18-wheeler is more than I know.”

“If he hides Chic-Lets in a flatbed, he’s still breaking the law.”

The obligatory zinger said and done, Joe says no more and he and Bill leave. They take their Powerball tickets with them.


To be continued


February 27, 2020

In Through The Out Basket

Filed under: actual action, basketball, big arms, Tilden — tdrewhardin @ 9:08 am


What a way to jumpstart Alexa’s basketball career, trying to guess who shot the Chips Ahoy! cookie that’s clanging off the M.C. Escher goal. Gang, are you as befuddled as I am trying to figure out if we’re looking DOWN at the goal or looking UP at it?

Then, as if our retinae are not damaged enough from basketball goal-gazing, we’re really not sure WHO SHOT COACH SHAW. I’m also wondering who shot the ball but at this point, Thorpiverse might lead you to think that the same culprit engineered both capers. And for once, I agree with Thorpiverse. Nothing is real and something to get hung about. Only in Thorpiverse.

Well, I guess we’ll never get to the bottom of the former; after all, Coach Shaw goes out through the in strip and vice versa. Keeping up with him, well, that’s like trying to figure out how Hanna-Barberra makes that pterodactyl talk when it’s operating Wilma’s washing machine. A lost cause and futile, where’d be the first place you’d look? In through the out gym? In through the out football practice field? Just keep watching The Flintstones. You might catch someone behind Fred’s recliner prompting the pterodactyl.

Anyhoo, we still haven’t figured out who clunked the out cookie. IT’S ALEXA you say. THIS IS THORPIVERSE I say. Granted, it’s not possible Susan Willcox-Olson-etc. could be the one laying the bricks after she shot lights out weeks ago and took charge while Mimi went in through the out bathroom door and never came back out but let’s not start throwing around assumptions around here. That’s how easy victories turn into the fight of your life. Poor preparation and inverted rims will do that to you.

And after a thorough once-over, we’re confident it’s not Phoebe Keener as she’s assumed the role of player-coach and has more on her plate than jacking up in-outer’s that wind in the next panel. She didn’t clunk her way into player-coach the way Mimi clunked her way out and Mimi didn’t have to shoot a basketball, she shot her foot well enough.

So, OKAY OKAY, it’s Alexa who’s trying to be a scoring machine and didn’t help her cause with that bonker in space. It just annoys me that if you see a ball miss the mark, we’re to assume the lead character was the one who pulled it off. Hey, as long as we don’t see the shooter, for all we know, Granny Clampett or Gilligan could have shot it without anyone looking. Mr. Ed sneaking one off the ball rack at a 20-second time-out? It could happen.


Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Confusion Reigns At The Milford Lounge Over Led Zeppelin’s Album!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We couldn’t tell who was getting drunker in the photo shoot on the album sleeve, Gil or Bonham.”


She is rising to the occasion. She is overcoming adversity and answering all the critics who said she wasn’t all that. Hey, the only time “Success” comes before “Work” is in the dictionary. No guts, no glory. When the revolution is complete, the landowners will no longer charge usury at The Bucket. Okay, I got a little carried away but I’m fired up about Phoebe’s coaching potential. All she needs now is the playbook. And the clipboard and Magic Marker. I believe Mimi left them in the glove compartment.

Well, we’ll never know if Phoebe succeeded selling Amway Medicated Shampoo Orange Blossom Scent and/or got 15 Mudlarks to show up at an Amway meeting that was held at the gym (was going to get SOME usage out of it. Basketball didn’t seem to be a priority) so that she would one day be at the top of the Triangle. She’d be further than Mimi who was in a Turing fan belt in Gil’s pickup.

What we DO KNOW is that Alexa has upped her game, making a nice little sky hook over 2 defenders who are helpless to stop it. Hey, she gettin’ some game. This is arguably about the most positive we’ve seen in a Thorpiverse concept since Hadley V. left town. Yeah, Alexa’s brightening the gym by ENTERING it unlike Hadley V., especially with the skills Alexa is displaying. She is proving she doesn’t have to bulldoze the opponent in order to play like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

The only glitch is the one defender who wears Nike High Tops at a 45 degree angle attempting in vain to stop Alexa in a Kareem moment. I know we are deluged in M.C. Escher today but I always thought his illusions were mainly up/down and not side to side. Pretending she is guarding Alexa by sliding her feet but are really nailed to the floor. If that be the case, her Nike’s share something in common with this plot. Going somewhere but running to stand still. Didn’t U2 sing that?

I wonder if Escher played basketball. Did he use those rims? Gotta start an artistic career somewhere.



No Coach!!!! No Coach!!!! No Coach!!!!


Please Coach!!!! Please Coach!!!! Please Coach!!!!


Ditch this plot!!!! Ditch this plot!!!! Ditch this plot!!!!




“Phoebe, don’t you think Alexa’s suspension is a little harsh?”


Okay, you whippersnappers, digging into the past, “Where’s Huddles?” was a pilot show about a football player who’s also a family man whose neighbor, Bubba McCoy, also played on the same football team as Huddles. It was Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble in shoulder pads. They and their teammate, Freight Train,  form a trio, The Offensives, after Huddles has aspirations of grandeur, especially when they see a player they play against go on TV and show that he was more image than talent as this player’s singing voice leaves a lot to be desired.

The hitch is that their coach, a rough cutout of Mr. Slate (the voice, ironically the voice of Fred Flintstone, Alan Reed) , has threatened to severely punish anybody who moonlights because moonlighting, to the coach, undermines a player’s performance on the football field.

But they could be violating copyright laws. Gil and Mimi have been performing as The Offensives for 60 years.


At the Milford Comedy Club

“…what do I look like, an alligator who ran over a zebra to get the easy bucket?”


“I still have 4 fouls left.”



Are you in for a treat today. We have banners that look like ABM missiles and could REALLY shove people out of the way, not just players, should someone use scissors and cuts one of the cords. Anything to wake Alexa up and make her realize she got game.

Then, as our eyes are already overloaded from trying to surmise which end of the rim is up, we are overwhelmed with topsy-turvy rafters. Don’t hang on one of those things. A reader could turn the panel upside-down and you’d be eternally falling in some chasm. You might be free from the Cycle of Life but I’ve never known anyone to reach Nirvana heading in the wrong direction. It’s a lot easier heading down The Grand Canyon on a mule.

And with players that defend as if trying to prove a congruent triangle through Side-Angle-Side, we got the whole package in P2.

If yore daddy gave ya an 8-track player ta play “All My Love” and the rest uv Led Zeppelin that he tore outta his 4-wheel-drive by turnin’ the 4-wheel-drive upside down with the use of chains and the floor jack, ya might be a redneck.


Gang, I remember the movie “The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance” where Jimmy Stewart is reminiscing about John Wayne, who was Stewart’s protectorate against Liberty Valance (played by Lee Marvin) , a renegade rogue who terrorizes the typical western town in part because the sheriff is a marshmallow. Finally, bristling at some reporter’s question, Stewart utters “Now who’s giving the interview?”.

In P3, I feel like asking “Who’s doing the coaching?” Might as well be Liberty Valance. If he is indeed, Alexa might turn INTO another Liberty Valance. With Mimi playing the part of that chickenpoop sheriff, Alexa will be shootin’ Tilden players off the rafters if they haven’t been inverted into The Black Hole. And 11 points and 11 rebounds to boot. Hard to believe she only had 4 fouls. But with Liberty as a coach, those were probably the only ones they counted. At sometime, ya gotta call it when the Tilden player gets her head blown off even if Valance is pointing a six-shooter at your person.

“Can I have some more pancakes? And can you pour some Aunt Jemima on them?”

“Mimi, get your ass back on the court or hand in your badge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”


And, Gang, players DO NOT look at the stat sheet after the game because they know the only stat that matters is The Final Score.

But with Phoebe having the keys to the gym, how can it be a mystery how she got the stats in the first place. Just put it back in Mimi’s office when you’re done. Mimi needs it later for wallpaper.


The final installment, reluctantly so, in Black History Month is Tracy Chapman, a very successful Folk-Rock musician who has made her mark and then some.

A multi-Grammy winner, including songs such as “Fast Car” and “Give Me One Reason”, and her smash hit album, “Tracy Chapman” plus nominated for “Crossroads” and “New Beginning”, she has a way of making music that gets right to the heart of the matter. Poignant lyrics, shrewdly-crafted melodies, she keeps you hopping with enjoyment. And she does it with a flair that rubs off on you, compelling you to carry out her message. She has performed the world over and has only gotten better as the years have rolled by. I have always liked her videos as they often give a stark reality on life but many times she offers a light at the end of the tunnel. A troubador with a powerful persona, please join me in saluting a fine lady who is a credit to the world around her and makes that world a better place to live.



“…and that was the Mudlark String Quartet performing ‘Fool in the Rain’, Robert Plant on vocals and Mimi Thorp, the virtuoso on the viola. We’ll be back with more Milford Symphony Orchestra Performs Led Zeppelin through a generous grant from NPR Radio and Milford Foundry after these messages. This is WDIG-Radio, where Beethoven meets ‘When The Levee Breaks’.”


“Boy o boy, that’s one heck of a concert. I can’t wait until they play ‘Rock and Roll’. I understand the kettledrums have a killer solo.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse and our Food Court promotion went over so well, the good people at The Warehouse felt it only right to reward you with some more goodies.

Right now until March 14th, The Warehouse is staging Mix and Match on all your favorite liquors and fast food. But hold your horses and your beer, they’re throwing in an extra incentive that’ll keep your checks still attached to your checkbook. For every combo from your favorite food outlet AND a purchase of at least $10 on your liquor, The Warehouse will sell you a Commemorative Coin of Yours Truly with my favorite saying ‘If you can’t run with the Big Dogs, get out of my garage” for only $19.95. Folks, that’s a $79.95 value, not counting the six-pack of Falls City.

Now you know what good eatin’ is when you have that coin in your coin changer while snarfing on Long John Silver’s 68-Piece Jumbo Shrimp and Bombay Sapphire Gin in the 2-Liter plastic bottle. And paying without having to use 2 Milford Teacher’s Federal Credit Union Visa cards makes the shrimp go easier down your throat.

Or maybe you want to save the Coach Thorp Commemorative Coin till later to nail in the den next to the family portrait but still want your Wendy’s Baconator with Cheese washed down by Cafe Rumba Liqueur. Shoot, The Warehouse won’t charge you an arm and a leg to fork over the $25.99. You can even take the doggie bag out the door and the alarm won’t go off. Not for the food anyway.

And some of you may have seen enough of me that seeing my profile rubber-stamped out of U. S. Mint can be redundant. I understand. That’s why The Warehouse also has a 106-coin set available of all the 50 states and all the National Parks in our country. And all you have to do is purchase 2 30-Packs of Busch Light. Doggone it, I’ll give the cashier a Ben Franklin and tell him to keep the change if I can get a 2 cold mountains, some Whoppers, and a quarter with Rhode Island printed on it. I’ll give South and North Dakota to Jaime and Keri.

Come on down and see some more deals before they shut Milford Mines for some more coinage and get a slice of Big Macs and Yellowstone. And with an Old Milwaukee, the only thing that could make it any better than that is if the Swedish Bikini Team walked through the turnstiles. Come see how much better and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, you’re the best. I still wonder how 4 fouls can be a helpful stat but you’re the best.


Mimi entering the gym one day

“Did I miss anything, Phoebe?”



“Gil, there’s rumors floating around that you have Commies listed on your roster. Any truth to them?”

“No, Ralph.”






“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!. Look, our team is stocked with full-blooded Americans. We may have a melting pot but they swear by Red White & Blue.”

“That’s not what I heard. My sources tell me you have a Viet-Cong guerilla disguised as your point guard.”

“My point guard? Schuring is as Mom and apple pie as you can get. He’s the last person who’d pledge allegiance to the Hammer and Sickel!!!!!!!!”

“Sure. And they have a Commerative Coin of Benedict Arnold for sale in Reader’s Digest. Did you ever see part of The Everglades named after him? Huh?


February 25, 2020

Just Wait Till Your Father Gets To Our Gym


I love the team so well

And the coaches too

And the groovy way that plays can gell


Phoebe’s a trip

And she lets it rip

When teammates get pushed into the wall


I love Alexa just well

Tho she plays like Hell

Every time she’s in the paint



Just wait till Mimi gets

Unless she should forget

Wait till Mimi gets home


Well, look who showed up at the game to high-five the New-Look Watson. And like Zevon, I’d like to know her tailor. Awoooooooo, Werewolves in Milford.

Wasn’t it just last week that Mimi did a stand-in and practically distanced herself from Phoebe attempting to turn Alexa into a human Rock ’em Sock ’em Robot? Even when Mimi told Alexa that in order to get accepted at Harvard, she had to be a runaway train on offense? Yeah, don’t hokey-pokey this one, Mimi. Put your left foot into your mouth, take it out of your mouth, do the same with your right foot, then shake that thang all about and get your husband sexually aroused who’s sitting in the 3rd row behind the Mudlarkettes Dance Corps and come to the enemy gym lookin’ like The Sharp Dressed Man to greet Alexa as if you’d been step-by-step in this process. Oh, you’ve been stepping in something all right. I just hope your Jordache Jacket doesn’t have cow chips all over it when you take it to Milford Dry Cleaners. One can dream.


Because I’m a Western buff and watch shows like Death Valley Days and enjoy them in general but feel occasionally they take liberties with history, knowing that Charles Goodnight had cows but doubting that he had his pet cow in the same relationship a la Roy Rogers and Trigger


Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Appeals To Governor For Stay On Execution Of His Pet Zebra, Flossie.”

sub headline

“I couldn’t bear to see it at the slaughterhouse so that somebody could get a cheap T-bone steak.”


“Harry Boyle, I don’t like how Alexa is shoving people around all over Milford. She shoved an old lady with a cane the other day and got run over by Gil and Mimi on a tandem. I did some research and found out that the Milford Communist League is behind all this.”

“Oh, Ralph, come on. She’s just trying to up her game. I wish my son Chet had that much energy to get out on his own.”

“That’s what the League WANTS you to think. But if Alexa starts shoving around senior citizens at the Milford Bingo Parlor, pretty soon she’ll be shoving red-blooded Americans straight over the cliff. Then the Commies will put in a new coach and the Mudlarks will have nothing but players reading out of The Red Book.”

“Ralph, did you make this up or have you been in Gil’s office again for Twinkies and coffee?”

“I’m telling you, Harry, don’t blame me if they resurrect Lenin from his tomb and he takes Mimi’s place. Then you’ll have Commies shoving people out of the way when they try to sit in the booth at The Bucket and order Bucket Chop Suey. It’s fishy, Harry.”





“NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Look, Alexa is a decent girl. Do you think a valedictorian would want to make America run by Big Brother?”

“They already have Big Brother in power. He draws a paycheck and does nothing. Gil is a model for ‘Each according to their need’. Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s reading Trotsky while sitting on the john.”


And are we playing in an igloo? Or maybe they’re minion’s in some 8-year-old’s Lego Block set? The consolation prize is that surely that kid isn’t wearing Donettes on his ears like Mimi is displaying while celebrating her non-entity status with Alexa.


I worship her joie de vivre

Her breath reeks Febreze

She is perfect in every frickin’ phase


Even though she coaches from a telephone booth

Her athletic insights match those of Babe Ruth


Wait till Mimi gets

Unless she’s taking bets

Wait till Mimi gets hooommmmeee


She and Gil never go for the kill

They both coach on a fart and a whim



Mudlarks today like to play their own way

And what Coach Thorp doesn’t know won’t hurt him


Boy, wait till Mimi shows up at home indeed. She might learn a thing or two after getting familiar with the architectural design of Jefferson’s gym. Now if only she knew the floor plan of her own. When you have to max on your credit card to rededicate your life to the basketball court via Milford Floor & Tile, well, as the fans always say to bad officiating, “Open up your eyes, you’re missing a good game.” Wanna borrow my 3-D glasses, Mimi?

Because 12 points is an improvement but certainly not enough to convince me that she can sustain that level of play, as if getting called for charging after backing down your woman in the paint then flying on a spree is going to be the table d’hote henceforth. I’d increase the odds if Mimi had a hand in things and not letting Phoebe get thrown to the lions if Alexa backs down a police officer after the game to get out the door to stay true to character, yet be the first in line at the Milford Soup Kitchen to enjoy Alexa’s Crabmeat Special while Phoebe is off in a corner gnawing on Milk Bones. The dignified thing to do would be at least throw Phoebe a pincer every now and then.


If yore daddy shows up at yore game after they gave him a 3-day pass, then after ya score 38 points and 24 rebounds to win the game in triple OT, the authorities return him ta the chain gang ta work on the Milford & Oakwood railroad track, ya might be a redneck.


And is that Chris in the audience? Well, after all, he’s the second head in this two-headed monster that has replaced Mimi as the coach. I reckon that’s better than no heads on Gil’s team. And that’s scary. Basketball without representation is tyranny. I’d almost welcome Beef-a-Roni/Beef-a-Ghetti Head to lead the boys team in wind sprints.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Heavily Fined And Delivered An Official Reprimand From Milford Condo Suites!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“They never told me that a Polled Hereford was not included in the pet policy.”


“Irma, it’s bad enough that Chet needs to get his own place and that he got fired after he was caught dumping Cheerios in the Bucket Spaghetti Special when he couldn’t find the Bucket Noodles. But when he’s given a T for imitating a Lear jet and trying to knock the Tilden player on the floor by blowing jet fumes in his ear, trying to intimidate your opponent shouldn’t land you on the bench.”

“So he tried to pass gas on the player when he as boxing out, Harry. Gil taught him that. He told Chet to keep plenty of Bush’s Garbanzo Peas in his locker. He’s teaching him about Life. It may smell but you get the loose rebound anyway. Coaching isn’t always perfect. Mimi’s trying to teach Alice the same thing, only with Safeway Pinto Beans.”

“I hope to God the Milford Feeder League isn’t dispensing that information to Jaime.”


Peter-Panning your way to the rebound on the hopscotch board and holding your breath that the Tilden player in P3 is merely answering the altar call at the Billy Graham Reach Everyone in Milford By 2025 Crusade and not getting her patellae overworked. That’s the system Mimi’s using (we think) . As Phoebe said (that Mimi should have said) , the calls even out.


Today’s Black History Month installment is George Liele, a former slave who eventually became the first African-American missionary. Starting out in Savannah, Georgia in the Baptist denomination, he built a solid congregation, though he was a Loyalist, his reason being that he wanted no part of the Colonialists’ toleration of slaveholders in the American South.

Liele moved to Jamaica to start his mission work, eventually establishing another church that proved to be fruitful. Though plantation owners there were initially against his ministry due to fears of emancipation of their own slaves, Liele overcame all doubts, not to mention the notion that African-Americans could not escape the vicious cycle of slavery.

Instead, he showed through perserverance and love that African-Americans could live productive lives without chains bound to them. His ministry influenced many and further advanced the Human Race. Please join me in saluting a man who accomplished great things and helped people take a giant step forward.


“And Alexa knocks Jane Doe to the deck after kick-boxing on the drive. Alexa will be at the line to complete the 3-point play. Time out is called by Tilden with the score in the tenth round, rather, 3rd quarter, Milford, 47, Tilden, 31. We’ll take a commercial break, this is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG-Radio, a division of Learfield Sports.”


“When The Bucket is still trying to strong-arm the Milford Zoning Board to obtain a liquor license, even if they play dirty pool or throw somebody in a pool, that’s one thing. Personally, I’ve been on the bad end of blowouts and that’s the time to clear your bench, not try to claw back into a 51-point deficit. But maybe The Bucket knows how?to handle the 2-minute drill better than I do and will one day sell Schlitz and Sundaes on any given day.

But when they won’t allow honest, tax-paying citizens onto their Food Court area unless you have a Bucket Food Court Member card, that’s when they need to be called for over-and-back, that’s too many halfcourts crossed as far as I’m concerned.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp and let me tell you, Milford Beverage Warehouse says Come unto us, all ye that are hungry and heavy-laden and we will give you rest, booze, and some grub. Our credit is easy and our Food Court is wide. You won’t see any Pinkertons patrolling the area to check to see if you paid your admission. You can sit down and enjoy Big Mac’s and Korbel, $9.99 a bottle, and not have to worry about your papers being in order.

Want a Whopper and some Natural Light Naturdays in the 30-Pack? For $18.99 and some loose change, you can bask in the sunlight at the arboretum section of the Food Court and for a few dollars more you can make it a combo. Fries and a large Nestea Unsweet and the sun rays are still free, isn’t it nice to enjoy Cheeseburgers in Paradise without Dirty Harry sticking his Magnum up your butt?

But we’re not all Ronald McDonald and Golden Arches around here. Long John Silver’s was another chain gracious enough to grace their presence here in the ambiance that is the Food Court. And if it’s atmosphere you want, The Warehouse is willing to oblige. And the obligation is pretty affordable when you’re consuming LJS Salmon Platter and Hush Puppies with Maker’s Mark Whiskey 1.75 Liter serving as your chaser. At $23.99 and lunch money, Boy, I’ll go out to the Bering Strait with the fishermen to snare some more. Salmon, of course, there’s no Maker’s Mark north of the Arctic Circle.

Now are you going to fork over $250 for a non-refundable, non-redeemable membership card and just get Bucket Rib Sandwiches in a cage? If they EVER get their liquor license, who really wants Bucket Clam Chowder and Coors Light in a roped-off area that would be better used as a playground than a so-called Food Court? With Adam-12 looking over your shoulder? No thank you.

Come to Milford Beverage Warehouse where our Food Court stocks Happy Meals and Wendy’s Doubles, Hardees Thickburgers and Domino’s Breadsticks for that discriminating liquor connoisseur and all you gotta do is leave your attitude at the door. You won’t need a hall pass to enjoy Jim Beam and Whoppers with Cheese. Don’t take my word for it. Come see for yourself and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.


Thanks for your patience, Gang. You didn’t pull an Alexa on me. God bless you.


Driving the streets of Milford one night after Tuesday Open League Bowling Night at Milford Bowl-a-Rama

“Harry, these Commies think they can overrun Milford without us Mudlarks firing a shot. But I’ve got a sure-fire prevention method to contain any Pancho Villas from being the janitor at Mudlark gym.”

“Ralph, let it go. I haven’t heard any ugly rumors about Maoists or Marxists invading our fair city. That’s as sure a thing as the Mudlarks making the Playdowns.”

“And let Fidel tear your ticket at the ticket window? Khruschev sell peanuts and Bud in the stands? Lin Piao be the timer? When I have the most fool-proof plan this side of the ocean?”

“Awwrriight, I’ll take the bait. What do you have in mind?”

“Simple. We look in the phone book for everyone with the last name ‘Thorp’. Gus Thorp. Sigourney Thorp. Abraham Thorp. Grandma Moses Thorp. Elmo Thorp. Bubba Thorp. Tom Thumb Thorp. William Makepeace Thorp. Pytor Ilyich Thorp. The whole Thorp crowd. Our vigilante group will round ’em up and send them on the next cruise shop bound for Russia.”

“Ralph, there’s a number of honest Americans with the last name ‘Thorp’.”

“I realize that. If they brush their teeth with a 9-iron and use Quaker State to lubricate their car and hair, I’ll assume they’re on the side of Old Glory.”



I love Coach Thorp so swell

But she starts to yell

Everytime she’s advised to coach


Just wait till Mimi gets

She wears a nice hair net

Wait till Mimi gets hooommmmeee



“Hi, Mimi. Long day?”

“Ah, I let the kids work on the press-breaker. Those Bucket Tenderloins are to die for. Have you seen their Food Court?”


February 20, 2020

Don’t Slam-Dance The Floor. Luhm Just Waxed It.

Filed under: Mimi Thorp, Pissy faced minor character — tdrewhardin @ 9:47 am


Don’t put that thesaurus away just yet. We’re being introduced to a new vocabulary and it’s going to take some doing to soak it all in the noodle, synonyms and antonyms included.

Like what IS the opposite of slam-dance? Polka-trotting? Really, I can’t see Marty Moon with the call

“And that’s the 3rd turnover this quarter, Alexa trying to make something happen really needs to polka-trot the ball and set up the offense.”

“…Alexa on the wing, Phoebe and Cindy Brady-Schuring-Willcox-Thorp, Jr. the others on the 3-on-2, Phoebe slam-dances 2 defenders, dishes the rock, put it in the books, Alexa on the finish. You could see that one coming.”

And this doesn’t have to be confined to basketball

“…Gretzky with the puck, slam-dances around the goalie, SCORES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OILERS WIN IN A SLAM-DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”


Monday Night Football will never be the same with Frank Gifford tweaking his commentary

“…watch how Montana sets up in the pocket, sees Rice on a slant-and-right, Montana’s release is impeccable before he gets slam-danced to the ground by Mean Joe Greene…”

Dick Vitale just picked up a new phrase to add to his already-expansive lexicon

“…ohhhhhhhhh, get the busses warmed up, Baby, The General is going to walk out of Mackey with a slam-dance, Alford and Hillman just played brilliantly…”

I didn’t want to go hog-wild with this, I had to bring it back to basketball.

Speaking of basketball, are those 2 Dagwood background characters actually PLAYING basketball? I know Shawshank Gym can be structured a little funny but I don’t see a goal anywhere and the ball-handler and her defender are looking in the same direction. At what? A stray deer that wandered from Milford Petting Zoo? I hate to break it to the defender but if this is a defense drill and you don’t want your opponent to score at the goal down the hallway by the attendance office, I suggest you face your adversary if you don’t want an easy lay-up in front of the hall monitor. And slide your feet. The hall monitor is deceptively quick.


If ya slam-dance the basketball that’s made from the hide of a raccoon and ya break the rim off the goal and slam-dance the backboard so that glass winds up in yore crack, ya might be a redneck.


While I’m slam-dancing my head back to reality, where is that girl dribbling to? Is she going to drive to the black hole, er, bucket? Is she dribbling to Zion? The beautiful city of Gil?

Okay, enough bitching on that one. And commence bitching on another one.

Evidently a tornado has run loose in the school and Mimi is expressing appropriate concern. And remember when we were kids and we did the tornado drill where we were instructed to sit and fold our bodies into a ball, facing the wall? Hey, if I didn’t want to get smacked by a runaway student-athlete trying to up her game by imitating Hurricane Mimi, I’d gladly face the wall Charlie Brown and Linus lean on when they’re discussing Mudlark athletics.

“Pig Pen can do a better job of coaching than Coach Thorp. You just SEE the stench and dirt when Pig Pen’s got the clipboard.”

“Athletics and losing sometimes go hand in hand, Charlie Brown.”

“Yeah, but Gil is married to those two. I understand it was a shotgun wedding.”

Hey, I just conjured up another idea for a Fawcett-Crest paperback, All This and Snoopy Too. Well, can’t have Gil show up, not that I’m terribly worried that he or any other adult will show their faces in a Charlie Brown paperback. Just making sure.

Oh, yeah, the dribbler’s headed towards the wall where Charlie Brown and Linus are fellowshipping. This Get Tough For Girls Basketball By Dunking The Ball And Your Head campaign is getting contagious.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Smashes Into A Deer With His Buick Skylark, Costing $1000’s In Body Shop Repair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I get enough from Alexa damaging my bumper and front end on my other vehicle without some white-tail in estrus during mating season.”


And are YOU in luck, Gang. Thanks to all these gazillion Roget’s Thesaurus’s, Roget’s Thesaurus’s Pocket Edition, Roget’s Thesaurus’s Family Album-Milford Photo Studio Edition, Roget’s Thesaurus’s Basketball Lingo (perfect for feeder leagues) , I now possess a treasure trove of words at my disposal so that my vocabulary doesn’t run dry when I’m stuck on slam-dance when doing the crossword in the Milford Enquirer.

Try a few on for size

“Because after she slam-mazurka’d Jimmy Causey, you gave her a high five.”

“Honestly, Dr. Pearl, I didn’t mean to slam-choreograph Ms. Rizk’s Maxwell House and get it all over her Playtex bra. It’s just that the conference title is on the line tonight and I need to be ready.”

“Chris, I know you’re trying to take one for the team but we don’t need heroes now. No more slam-jitterbugging. Contest but don’t foul.”

“Gil, you don’t need to slam-hula-hula anyone to get those pork and beans. There’s plenty for all at the church fellowship supper.”

“Alexa with the drive, scoops and scores. My goodness, she has 38 points to go along with 21 rebounds. She is on a slam-St. Vitus’ Dance.”

Well, some bugs ya gotta work out. I’m sure the program director at WDIG will have a slam-basketball terminology list so there’ll be no more devil in the details.

And Gene Rayburn is back to slam-dance this plot into next week. Take ‘er away, Gene.

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought that if you slam-danced your __________________, you’d reach The Fountain of Youth.”


Now wait just a minute, Mimi, while you’re slam-Virginia-reeling your high horse. Didn’t YOU want Alexa to be more aggresive on offense, actually comparing her offense output to her GPA? (Nod your head “yes”.) Don’t wind this doll up to fever pitch, head down to the corner store for milk and eggs, fry up a souffle, then blame the kids when there’s too many egg shells in the omelette. Yeah, you can’t just let this Kewpie doll run all over the neighborhood, then call The Shark to sue the guy next door when his Shar-Pei chews up your prize possession. Either get a chain link fence or face the consequences that your player is somebody’s Kibbles ‘n’ Bits. Keep your dog bones and Kewpie dolls on your own side of the yard. Just sayin’.

“This is a Special Report. WDIG News has just received word from the Milford Police Department that they have cracked the case on who shot Coach Shaw. Detectives revealed that-

SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BAM, BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE GENERAL KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING WHEN HE RECRUITED THIS PTP’ER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE’S ON MY ALL-SLAM-CHA CHA TEAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE’S A REAL SLAM-EATER IN THE COURT…

And, Mimi, Joe Friday you are not. Not only should you not get puffy after you essentially got hoisted by your own petard, you make a lousy Barnaby Jones. Buddy Ebsen, who played the character, was notorious for forgetting his lines (ditto Jed Clampett on The Beverly Hillbillies) but the man could act. You can’t even act the part of a coach, let alone Dirty Harry.

Skipper, I agree, Gilligan shouldn’t be ramming his head into cocoanut trees just to do ANYTHING to get off the island. And you can trust the process and not have stitches and cocoanuts in your head. But YOU were the one encouraging Gilligan to literally go head first into this one. We are keeping score, Skipper, in case you left your scorebook back at the lagoon. All told, you can trust the process by getting back to the basics. Practice, for example. I’ve never known anyone get bonked by a stray cocoanut when practicing box-out drills. You should schedule a few, then you wouldn’t have Jerry Lawler running over teachers in his Peterbilt on Room 222 episodes.


Today’s Black History Month installment is Slim Gaillard. He was an excellent Jazz musician, a bandleader who wrote the #1 hit in 1937 “Flat Foot Floogie.” If you listen to the song, I promise you, you’ll start gettin’ happy.

He played with the greats such as Charlie Parker, Dizzy Gillespie, and Miles Davis and cut some outstanding albums along the way. His unique way of talking, starting off many words with a “V” or just plain Hip-Hop in general, made him electric when singing his music or rubbing elbows with the gentlemen like above.

His contributions have been highly undervalued and it is high time Mr. Gaillard had his day in court. I salute you, Slim Gaillard.


One fine day on Primrose Lane in Milford

“Damn, my neighbor ran over my petunias with his Snapper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And now he slam-quadrille-d my leg off!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it’s my bowling night!!!!!!!!!! We’re up against the Milford Bowling League Champions!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Let me tell you, if my bowling ball got slam-gavotted by some runaway car from Milford & Oakwood Express, I’d be kickin’ some booty too. And at Sharkey Law Offices, we get it. You want your leg and bowling ball too. Hard to win Bumper Bowling without either in your repertoire. We’ll fight the insurance companies until you are literally standing on your feet.”

“I got $3,563,906,245,653 × 10v5 in compensation. I was not only able to walk again and be a mall walker at Milford Peddlers Outlet, I got a new Brunswick Titanium Special through the mail-order catalog, gratis. The UPS truck was on my doorstep in a couple of days with the Etch-a-Sketch form to sign my John Henry and a new ball. And I could stand and smell the roses along the way. Thanks, Shark.”

“What further proof do you need? Makes me want to go bowling and slam-riverdance those cheap K-Mart pins at that pinball bowling machine they have at the Milford Confectionary Shoppe. If you got slam-sarabanded because your partner flunked the final at Milford Dance Studio, call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. One call, that’s all.”


Thanks for your patience, Gang. My vehicle broke down and it was a labor of love all day. You made me want to fight through this one. God bless you all.


In Ms. Rizk’s Intro English Usage for Journalism class on any given morning

“Okay. I think we understand the concept. Now who can express the opposite of slam-dance? Yes, Henry?”

“Coach Thorp felt like such a failure after Chris’ development schottische’d in the molasses. It was time to go back to the gym for more individual work and hope Coach Thorp would untarantella his head on straight. Chris started by ramming his head into the basket uprights.”

Well, as Lindsay Buckingham would say to Gil



February 18, 2020

Backin’ ’em Down In The Library.

Filed under: freak hands, Milford Idiots, Pissy faced minor character — tdrewhardin @ 1:11 pm

Plucking books off the shelf

To finish an assignment

Knocking the girl next to me

Into consignment


Back ’em down

Bah dah dah dah


Bah dah dah dah



What a great way to start off Mimi’s experiment via Chris Schuring’s Guide to Better Basketball: A Method to Up Your Game Through Physical Play (Preface by Shaquille O’Neal and accompaniment by Lindsay Buckingham) .

Gang, I’ve been a coach and have dealt with last place teams and any coach will tell you who has been in a similar situation that if you want the team to get better, sometimes you have to ruffle some feathers or step on some toes. Maybe the player thought he or she was All-Star status, but if somebody was BETTER, you played that other player and the All-Star took a seat. Once, when a player was missing free throws badly, he blamed the rims. I kindly, gently reminded him that his shooting technique sucked and if he wanted to get better, he was going to have to change it. I was willing to take the losses and the players take the wins if he would listen. He got the message.

But NO WAY would I EVER encourage a player to mow ’em down in the hallway or at the Milford 7-11. No, it was not necessary to box out Aunt Bea at the Slushee machine. You’d get your Strawberry/Lime concoction and still make it a non-contact sport. Hey, I know I was going to get my Grippo’s Bar-B-Q Chips this morning without employing Sumo wrestling.

So when I see Alexa shove Cindy Brady out of the way to jockey for position over Song of the Hiawatha, at Phoebe Keener’s insistence no less, I just cringe. Gee, Mimi, did you ever think of PRACTICE? It’s amazing what gets accomplished. And then there’s the weight room in case a player needs to get stronger when he or she is getting pushed around underneath. I’m sure there’s one next to the library if you’d get your head out of Gil’s butt and smell the coffee. I bet that’d smell better than Gil’s butt. Or his coaching.


Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Ticketed After Incident At Milford Amusement Park!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Officer said my bumper car rammed another into the kiddie merry-go-round. I don’t know, I was pretendin’ to be Alexa.”


“Alexa, what happened to you? You got a black eye, couple of missing teeth, and half our hair’s ripped out!!!!!!!!”

“I was doing my book report on The Magnificent Ambersons.”


And where is Gil and Mimi? The librarian is more likely to appear than Frick and Frack in the near future.

And as long as we’re going to pursue this awkward player-coach consortium designed to get Alexa to play better, I have a few suggestions. Why, after I get done with her, she’ll be the next Dr. J.

F’rinstance, what about doing a potato sack race in the hallway, it’s M.C. Escher enough to be perplexing yet grueling. She could race Dr. Pearl from a drinking fountain by the Foreign Language Department office to the Bunsen burners in the Chem Lab. They have to wear goggles once they enter. Safety and skill and aggressiveness all rolled into one. Sounds like a plan to me. And Dr. Pearl is nearing retirement anyway after several centuries on the job, her insurance will cover her nursing home stay when she’s rehabbing her tibia and coccyx.

Or tug of war in the cafeteria? She picks out her favorite enemy and winner gets free Hostess Suz-ee-Q’s for a year, the loser has to plunge his or her face into a Suz-ee-Q. If that doesn’t get your adrenaline pumping and/or get you to shoot the damn ball WHEN YOU’RE OPEN, then we’re running out of options. Mimi ought to stick her whole head in the Hostess Twinkies on the rack after her coach-and-carry lessons have gone the way of Hadley V. but that’s another matter. The issue is to score and eat the Twinkie, not use it for facial rouge.

And when I was going to school and the fraternities and sororities had Greek Week, one of the events was Shorts Exchange Race. You had four people, two on one end, two at another and these oversize shorts that you ran with (you HAD to hold onto them, they were huge) from one end to the other which you exchanged with a partner by your both sitting down, you taking them off, your partner putting them on, then racing to the other endcto do the same thing until the last person and when that last person raced to the finish line with the baggy merchandise first, the team won the race (and there was 2nd and 3rd place so that other fraternities and sororities still had a chance at points).

And I can’t see any other way how this wouldn’t compel Alexa to rise from ashes after she hit the deck from some Goshen player trying to send a message. She and Phoebe at one end, Gil and Mimi at the other, if they have big enough shorts and a winning attitude could outduel Steve Luhm and Ms. Rizk at one end and Marty Moon and Peaches at the other, the WDIG program director as an alternate. If that doesn’t earn a laural wreath and more aggressive play in the paint, Wilt didn’t score 100 in Hershey, Pennsylvania. 28 points, 16 boards every night for Alexa if I’m doing my math right.


Jostling Mimi to the side

When I have to poopie

The bathroom stall is only big enough

For the dog Droopy


Back ’em down

Bah dah dah dah


Bah dah dah dah









How do you explain P2? Granted, she’s taller than Cindy in P1, probably because Cindy is sitting down. But in P2, a raging argument could be made that Alexa is standing on stilts or a pile of Russian literature, including The Brothers Karamazov, Anna Karenina, and Baryshinikov Flattens Shaq With a Pas de Deux, The English Translation. And the combo Willy Wonka Midget-Kewpie Doll is just that, a midget. She stands 2-foot-3 during the 7th Inning Stretch. If Alexa is going to practice being Dennis Rodman, she could have picked some taller competition. People with growth comcerns isn’t really aiding and abetting in the Brainwashing Alexa To Be More Aggressive To The Lions When She’ll Be Thrown In The Milford Colosseum Once Again Campaign.

Nice Freckles, though.


Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw pulls over Alexa in her Plymouth Horizon one day

“Let me see your license and registration.”

After several minutes of poring over the documents, long enough to get to a commercial break

“Young lady, I know your coach is trying to toughen you up on the basketball floor but that ain’t no reason to run 7 stop lights and fly 80 in a School Zone. You almost ran over some kids after you ran the school bus stop sign. I’m gonna let you off with a warning this time-


“No, can’t use guns when she’s trying to protect an image. You’ll have to rewrite the script.”


“Abner. ABNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There’s something fishy going on over at the Thorps. They’re actually having sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Can it, Gladys. You said that when Darren Stevens got his vasectomy.”


Racing to the classroom

Dead set on winning

Acting as if entering

Is the last of the ninth inning


Back ’em down

Bah dah dah dah


Bah dah dah dah








Dr. Pearl knocks on the faculty bathroom door

“Gil, are you OK? You’ve been in there for 25 minutes.”


And this fire drill disguised as coaching isn’t just confined to the library, saints be praised. Nope, Alexa has to jockey for position, well, just about anywhere in the school. Milford High School has become Last Woman Standing for Alexa. As Springsteen said in Jungleland, kids flash guitars just like switchblades. She’s certainly flashing her Gibson, especially with the student in P3.

John Entwistle of The Who absoluted hated playing Magic Bus because he played just one note on his bass for 8 minutes. But Alexa, if you want to run with the Big Dogs and throw a few of them under the wrestling mat during and after the game (sometimes you gotta play rough) , boring and aggressive many times go hand in hand. Blood Sweat & Tears and a little Ennui along the way and you’ve got the brass ring.


If ya have ta shove yore bloodhounds out uv the way at night after ya got off second shift at Milford Foundry from a hard night on the assembly line tape-gunnin’ cardboard boxes in the swelterin’ conditions cuz ya gotta make room ta go ta sleep, ya might be a redneck.


Today’s Black History Month installment is Thomas Sowell. I was reluctant to add him to the fold, given his very Conservative views, as I have tried to keep this site as neutral as possible. Still, there’s no denying his intellect and his contributions to the economic landscape and political landscape, for that matter. I have read his books on the economy for years and while I understandably don’t agree with everything he writes, his writings are well-argued and have been VERY influential in the shaping of American economic policy. A Harvard student at one time, he taught at several major universities for years, furthering his legacy on economics. Please join me in saluting a man who has utilized his superior mind, especially on economics, to make this country the great nation that it is.


“And Alexa gets Mr. Clyde on the 3 count. That last vertical suplex was the finishing touch. We still have more to come. The King and Jeff Jarrett will defend their Southern Tag Titles here in WDIG studios after these messages. Don’t you dare go away.”


“Man, wasn’t that an exciting match? I can’t wait until Alexa takes on The Moon Dogs later on this month. She’ll be a basketball MVP after she tangles with Spot and Richard Lee. I’ll have my TV ready for that one after it comes out of Milford Appliance Repair.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp and at Milford Beverage Warehouse, you don’t have to slam Reggie B. Fine into the turnbuckle to cash in on the deals. And what’s even better, your favorite liquor is now color-coded for freshness.

Let Busch Beer say what it wants. Let them flap their jaws about their mountain being blue to indicate their beer is cold. I don’t know about you but if I have to hire a sherpa to climb Mt. Everest for a case of Bud, I’d just as soon drink Cup-a-Soup. Color-coding is a lot easier.

So if you see a Carolina blue bottle icon, you’ll have to wait a few minutes for the brews to attain proper ventilation. You might want to go shop for a couple of 12-packs of Coca-Cola and some Milford Beer Nuts while the brew is getting properly aged.

If the liquor is pink, it’s going to take a while so if you possesss a cell phone, it’d be a good time to call your broker or your wife. A red bottle icon, and you might want to get the kids to soccer practice before you head back to the warehouse.

But that’s what separates the men from the boys. The Warehouse is meticulous enough to ensure proper quality and freshness. That’s important when sucking in The Good Life. No sense in getting plowed with bottles that are on red alert.

So, rest assured, Maker’s Mark Whiskey will display a blue bottle icon on the label and at a rock-bottom price of $23.99. Nice to when you’re entertaining the neighbors and they get a little sloshy. Let no man leave my doors with lukewarm booze.

There’ll be no pink icons on Pink Truck Wine products and that’s nice to know when you’re shelling out $7.99 on your Social Security Disability Card. Why go through extra hassle when you can see nothing but pink elephants and nothing else?

Is Basil Hayden Bourbon your drink of choice? No problem. And as an added bonus, if THERE IS a red bottle icon on the product, you get it absolutely free. Isn’t it nice to know you don’t have to go around the world in 80 days for the stoplight to change from red to blue. Hey, blue’s a go around here. Sorry, this deal only applies to this merchandise. No substitutes, such as Tito’s Skrewball. You’ll have to pay the everyday price of $26.99 even if the icon is chartreuse.

Boy, if I can my Corona Extra with a blue bottle and pay chump change for it, by gum, you know where I’m going. After you’ve scaled Mt. Milford, come check out the water here at Milford Beverage Warehouse where you not only can drink it, but it’s COLD. And tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”


Gang, jump on it. Just don’t shove me out of the way doing it. I gotta go to work tomorrow.


“…and Alexa knocks The King flat on the ground after he said something about her mother. Well, that’ll wrap things here at WDIG studio. For Corey Macklin, this is Dave Brown. So long, everybody.”


“I bought this Boston Lager 12-Pack a couple of days ago and there’s a magenta bottle at the top.”

“Do you have your receipt?”

February 13, 2020

Who Says We’re Stuck In The Mud?

Filed under: huge earrings, Milford Weirdos — tdrewhardin @ 1:17 pm


The plot, as Teenchy shrewdly pointed out yesterday, detoured to the Steve Luhm Athletic & Convocational Memorial Janitorium and that detour is on all cylinders today.

And I like Thorpiverse’s choice of verbs today, ‘waylay’. Does THAT invite all kinds of possibilities. If this Pandora’s Locker were etransposed to The Bucket, ain’t no way this TWIMer is going to open it. Nope, I don’t want any Bucket Octopus Triple Cheese Burger w/ Bacon, hold the mayo, on my table at the corner booth by the window any time soon.

Now if you have your Roget’s Thesaurus handy on the bookshelf by the fireplace, the one you got for Christmas when you were in 8th grade and never touched and now sits next to Cliff’s Notes on Treasure Island and Don Ho: His Life and Songs and How He Worked The Tourists, you’ll find waylay has several synonyms.

For example, “distract”. Not too bad. So the next time I head to the Milford Bullring and watch Gil about to get waylayed by an 800-lb. bull who is steamed that the plot is waylayed in the mud but some clowns contracted out from Milford Entertainment Services come to the rescue and waylay the bull back in the corral where the beast belongs, I’ll have a better picture of what waylay means.

Okay, how about “broadside”? I’m on a roll here. The bus transporting the Milford Girls Basketball team got waylayed by several bulls that escaped from the Milford Plaza de Toros.  Fortunately, no one was waylayed. Mimi waylayed the idiot who forgot the combination to the lock that penned the creatures in their place and was frantically trying to round them up, using Lassie and Benji in the futile endeavor. Hey, animals can waylay too. I saw Rin Tin Tin waylay his master in the Janitorium on a late night episode. And waylay can be broadly defined as body-slamming which Mimi did to the poor schmuck. There were bulls running all over Milford but Mimi was waylayed with satisfaction. Sometimes you get overcome with revenge.

How about ‘diversify’? Aaaaaaaa, not really. Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Enterprises waylaying their stock into long term bonds and not getting frisky with the market so in case it loses its shirt on Milford Foundry, it can at least have something in the kitty in the future, really just won’t cut it. Better stick with ‘diversify’ and leave ‘waylay’  for, say, the basketball gym when Marty Moon waylays Gil after the latter grinned his way to another bitter defeat.


If ya have ta waylay yore mother-in-law ta the Janitorium whenever you and her have ta talk about gittin’ a job instead of havin’ ta go out in the woods and hunt for the groceries when yore wife told her mother she wuz leavin’ him the next time they had squirrel souffle, ya might be a redneck.


Funny that you should mention the word, “weird”, Phoebe. I’m not going to go through another analysis of the English vocabulary but when we have to settle the issue in the Janitorium, “weird” would cover it.

Is THAT a Ten Commandments for Janitors that they must obey that’s attached to the door?

#4-Thou shalt not bear false witness against your colleague scrubbing the desks after school lets out

#6-Thou shalt honour your coaches, your coaches’ wives, their children, their livestock, including their asses, and all the other members of their household including their maids

#7-Remember Game Day, to keep it Holy and Sanctified unto Gil, for that is pleasing unto The Lord. Thou shalt buffereth after the contest.

#8-Thou shalt keep the toilets clean for I am a jealous Gil and will bear no stench before its time, remembering particularly the WC in my office. Renuzit killeth the stink and is sweetness unto The Lord.


I can’t remember the others, I had to jot down what I could quickly before the next bell rang.


Luhm does seem to stock a good game. I liked his pile-up of Pabst Blue Ribbon next to the Borax Tile Floor Cleaning Solution. Or is that Pine-Sol? Either way, after you’ve pried the chewing gum from under the overhead projector and wiped the blackboard displaying Einstein’s Theory of Relativity with those Terry cloths on the right, it’s Miller time.


At the Milford Beverage Warehouse drive-thru



Still trying to figure out how Thorpiverse joined two levers with the pelvic area and call that Phoebe’s butt with a straight face, I am just absolutely nonplussed by her comment in P2.

What sports strip are you watching, Phoebe????? You haven’t noticed Alexa spilling her guts out because she’s probing why she won’t shoot when open? That the reason she won’t shoot the breakaway lay-up after stealing the pass is because she got goggle-eyed after a Jeopardy! episode and was the cow that got Circle W branded on her head by Roy Rogers? And you’re her best friend. You’ve been buried in one study group too many, evidently.

Not that I’m wild about what’s about to unfold from Chris. Haven’t we already determined the culprit? That it was Alex Trabek in the Living Room with a Basketball? That it was used more as a murder weapon than a thing you bounced several times before you shoot a free throw?

What’s next, she won’t get a hand in her opponent’s face because she saw Bob Barker do that to a contestant when the latter was trying to guess the actual retail price on the Whirlpool Set It and Forget It Washing Machine?


I can see why she had nightmares.


On a Jeopardy! episode late one night on WDIG

“I’ll take Civil War Movies for $500”

“In this film, the Tara was ravaged and overrun when the Union army came to call and Scarlett O’ Hara married Rhett Butler instead of Ashley Wilkes, Mimi?”

“What is ‘Remember the Titans’?”

“No, sorry, that is incorrect, Maureen?”

“What is ‘Gone With The Wind’?”

“Yes, that is correct. At $500, that brings your total winnings to $10,935. You need to get out more, Mimi.”


Don’t even go there with P3. I’m not EVEN going to try to decipher the leer that Mr. Schuring is positing with, we assume, Phoebe Keener.

The Evil Eye could run the gamut from “I want to get in your pants and the Janitorium is the perfect place to do it” to “You dare question me after I have finished the Freudian Psychoanalysis Course, complete with 8 Audio-Cassettes, that I borrowed at the library?”.

But we’re more than likely to get our answer tomorrow and much quicker than either team will return to the floor TO PLAY BASKETBALL, one of the raison d’etre’s of this strip. This better be good.


Today’s Black History Month installment is Countee Cullen, an astute poet and novelist. Cullen was adopted at an early age and became a towering intellect as he got older. His poetry displays his acumen, among poems such as “Yet Do I Marvel”, “Heritage”, and “The Black Christ”. He also wrote novels, though not as much as poetry, but selections such as “One Way to Heaven”, which I have personally read, further convinced me why he was a major player in the Harlem Renaissance. He could explain incidents with razor-sharp perceptions. In one scene, when it was time to go home t a church service, the elders flipped the lights on and off in the middle of a conversation he had with a fellow churchgoer. His poetry and stories had life down cold.

A Harvard student and deservedly so, please join me in saluting one of the greats in literature and who became a credit to all of humanity. The stage is yours, Mr. Cullen.


Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of “Luhm’s Closet” after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”


“Honeyyyyyyyyyyyy, we have a date with destinnnnnyyyyyyyyy. Up to the bedroom you gooooooooo.”

“Not now, Mrs. Shaw. I’m installing these windows in the living room. I want a room with a view.”

“Darling, using a sledge hammer on the window frames just to see the Milford water tower isn’t my idea of the Grand Canyon.”

“That’s what you think. Why, when I get done, it’ll be a day in Paradise. And I got a great deal from Milford WindowsPlus. If I make a nominal minimum purchase, they’ll only charge $119 to install it. I didn’t have to put the second vehicle up for collateral. And we’re talkin’ Turn of the Century decor. Just think, I’ll watch the same things that Theodore Roosevelt watched out the window. And he didn’t have ESPN back then.”

“Honey, tell the installer to pack up his tool box and go home and take care of his own ED problems and come to beddyy-byyyyyyyyyy.”

“And miss out on what Mrs. Kravitz is doing across the street???? No way, Jose. Turnabout is fair play. She’s been snooping on us and Darren Stevens’ abode for too damn long. And with 100% financing with no payments and no interest for 12 months, I can see why Mr. Kravitz has his own Erectile problems. God, if I had to go to bed with a woman who spends more time spying than gettin’ it on with her man, I’d be camping in the mall by the Milford Men’s Clinic entrance too. Those Anderson Windows will make the scene bright and shiny. And they have a money-back guarantee. If you don’t laugh your ass off at Mrs. Kravitz’s tankin’ it because the window’s too streaky-”

“Honey, if the WindowsPlus man doesn’t leave, I’ll tell him about YOUR pelvic thrusts.”


“Face it, I wasn’t about to spill the beans to someone who nuked my scenery just so I could get a better view. I marched my butt down to Milford Men’s Clinic where their treatment programs are equalled by none. Now, me and Mrs. Shaw trip the light fantastic every night. We just make sure the Anderson windows are blocked by the curtains so that Mrs. Kravitz don’t get no ideas.

Come on down to the Clinic today so that Mrs. Kravitz won’t know what hit her.


Gang, have at it. You mean the world to me. I’m still going to try to figure out Chris’ Evil Eye but you mean the world to me.

Maybe he’s hungry.

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