This Week in Milford

February 4, 2020

This Plot You Don’t Bring Home To Mother

Filed under: actual action, basketball, Just plain sad — tdrewhardin @ 10:48 am


She’s a very happy girl

She just picked a player’s pocket

Mimi’s drowning in her popcorn

This wasn’t on the docket


This plot’s getting stinky (plot’s for superfreaks)

‘Larks stunned by a rinky-dinky (downed by uber-geeks)

Alexa needs to take charge (shoot the goddam rock)

Cuz Tech is livin’ large (and change your goddam socks-phew!)






When I saw Rick James’ granddaughter on the roster and joining the rest of the happy crowd on the court, I knew what I wanted to say today. Lord almighty, Thorpiverse, sometimes you make this easy.

WHAT IN THE NAME OF JOSH STERLING IS UP WITH THE SMILEY VISAGES TODAY or any other time that Milford hits the hardwood or field? You Thorpiverse veterans know exactly what I’m talking about. In no other sports comic strip on the globe will you see players in the HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY mode.

When Kirk Gibson slammed that home run in the ’88 Series, okay, he was in a HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY mood but you didn’t see Dennis Eckersley in a similar mien. No ear-to-ear grins when he blew the save opportunity like there’d be if the freshman phenom for Mudlark Baseball blew his own game against Oakwood.  When Franco Harris grabbed the Miracle Catch back in the ’70’s, Smiley Faces were not in hot pursuit. The opposing coach did not display his Vic Braden smile.


But in Thorpiverse, this is the modus operandi. Kick your opponents’ dental work and hope you uproot a couple of biscupids with your cleats but don’t worry be happy while you’re stomping him in the turf. Committing flagrant fouls with a frown is an automatic ejection, the opponent shoots 2 free throws, and they get the ball back at the halfcourt line. Next time be as mirthful as Ren so that Stimpy gets so pissed he gets benched for a quarter and has to smell Coach Kaz’s Brut Faberge Possum Scent  if you want to avert the ejection even if the other penalties still apply.




“Coach, Keith Smart MADE the shot.”


I want to give a shout-out to The Bookworm in Corydon, Indiana. They always have the things I need and a lot of my comedy ideas have come straight out of the books I buy at their store. They have a KILLER Louis L’Amour collection, a plus for this Western buff. But they are more than likely to have the topics you need either to read when you are in your leisure time or to pursue your favorite hobby. Gang, stop in and say hello and check out the merchandise and there’s A LOT of the merchandise. I endorse The Bookworm as the place to go for books and other great stuff.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everyone knows your name.

I was taken aback by a sign I saw at a KFC drive-thru that said that hearing-impaired people needed to drive up to the take-out window for their order. Okay


“Gil, we have some Green Giant cans at home.”


Now let me see if I can solve Encyclopdia Brown’s latest, the Case of the Skewered Basketball Court Perspective (Boy, I just love unraveling Rubik’s Cube a/k/a Thorpiverse Pavilion) . After I’ve dropped a quarter on the gasoline can, I THINK the Tech player is headed straight towards the edge of the cartoon panel. In other words, if you’re reading the paper, you might want to steer clear if you don’t want to get bowled over by the breakaway lay-up. Don’t get Sanka all over your Van Heusen shirt from a slam dunk on the house. Keep your Danish under the bleachers or breakfast table, depending on where you’re perusing the Milford Enquirer funnies.

Now if that be the case that the backboard is straight under my dining room ceiling, that means if I head in the opposite direction after the largesse lay-up, I am going to plow straight into the student section if the perspective is holding firm. Don’t ask me if it’s Valley Tech’s or Milford’s student section, I’m not assigned to write comedy blogs wondering who’s sitting where. Bleacher assignments in sports comic strip plots is somebody else’s headache. Like it’s my problem to lose sleep over whether Hiawatha and Chris are sitting in the front row or in the press box. I just know that if the Techster proceeds in the other direction, we might have to FON-THE-JAWS if she broadsides the Milford Pep Band. 10-car pile-ups involving the Milford cheerleaders, the timer, Valley Tech’s team doctor, Mimi’s assistant coaches, the New Thayer coaching staff scouting the game and Grandma Moses could get ugly. Don’t envy The Shark attempting to sort this one out.

And what are some of the students doing on the court ANYWAY? Coach Stuard taught me best, they can only put 5 out at one time. They can’t send the Cavalry. Yet, the Cavalry seems intent, in vain, on keeping the Techster from making the lay-up. Gotta be quicker on the draw, Cavalry. Next time, stop the outlet pass on the break. Put down your chili dog first. We don’t want stains on the court. The refs won’t let you back on the court until you use Shout on said stains.


If ya put up yore granddaddy, his girlfriend, her son, yore ex-wife, yore ex-ex-wife, yore ex-girlfriend, yore mother, yore mother-in-law, her mother-in-law, yore 3 sisters, variegated cousins and second cousins, and yore friend who wuz the best man at yore last weddin’ at yore trailer park home even if it’s over capacity as long as they follow yore one rule, flush when ya use the outhouse, ya might be a redneck.


And doesn’t it just stick in your craw when Milford’s been bonking all this time and Thorpiverse says Milford’s been clanking in the same period? Thorpiverse, you say Tomato, I say CLANK.

As if we’re going to check our Webster’s New World Dictionary to fine-tune the situation. Oh yeah, bonk comes from Old Norse which somehow migrated to Gaul and blended in with the Middle French after citizens of Cherbourg, while they were hanging the clothes out to dry saw some Viking ship in the distance and observed Hagar the Horrible bonking mutinous Vikings with his shield because the hapless mutineers got fed up with Bucket Reindeer Burgers for 31 days straight.

“Bonjour, Hagar, aren’t you afraid your charges weel dee-zert and de-PART for Guadeloupe after you whomped them side their head?”

“We use ‘Bonk’.”

“Do you not fear zat your charges d’affaires weel hit ze road, Jack, after you bonked zem with one Milford Lady’s practice basketballs?”

“They can check out of Milford anytime they like but they can never leave.”


And CLANKING? Granted, clanking is an acceptable part of basketball shooting jargon. Yes, I’ve played basketball and clanked quite a few but really, I have never clanked and bonked simultaneously. I guess you clank when you hit any part of the rim and the shot doesn’t go in. Not too many Reggie-for-3 BOOM BABY’s ever fit that category. But when you bonk, it’s like in P2, Thorpiverse would have you THINK the ball drew iron when in reality they grazed the bolts holding up the backboard. It would explain the funny sound. Clears up a lot of air from my angle.

So the next time you bonk with your hammer, you’re really not hitting the nail, leastwise not according to the Old English etymology out of Random House, y’know, the part in parenthesis at the end of the definition. No Aramaic < New Chaldeac < Mesopotamian < Old Plattdeutsch < Middle English will bail you out when your hammer’s bonking fire ants or leafhoppers or the bird droppings on the 2 x 4 left in the sun too long. I can clank with my hammer. There’ll be a lot of chipped saw blades, dead roaches, and injured thumbs. But bonking’s out of the question. You get bent nails from clanking.


At the waiting area in the parking lot at The Bucket where Coach Kaz is, well, waiting


“Excuse me, let me remove my earring. Now what did you say?”


She’s a very clanky girl

The kind who shoots just like her mother

She will maybe hit the backboard

Or seat where sits her brother


The girl is pretty clanky (shoots like superfreaks)

Her offense hanky-panky (hasn’t shot in weeks)

She needs a shooting clinic (consult a trainer soon)

Her season’s been no picnic (gets chafed by Marty Moon)






Now we get to the Love Story angle in P3.

“Look, Jennifer, I can’t hit the broad side of the barn either but I’m using hockey sticks and your dad might know a thing or two about baking cookies but he can’t teach you ‘arch and a spin, go for the rim’.”

“Up yours, Preppie. You might have gotten lucky on that breakaway goal but that doesn’t make you Rick Barry. Just because you shoot the puck underhanded doesn’t mean I’m going to do the same with the basketball, I don’t give a damn if Barry was a career 92% FT shooter.”

Otherwise, what is the point of P3? Isn’t this the stupid leading the blind? I’ll admit he got John Dillinger and the rest of the hecklers sent to detention but I’m gonna barf if Schuring tries to be another Buzzy Braman. Chris, you have your own troubles with gunshyness and a dubious 4-for-9 shooting percentage to aggravate the problem.

WHAT are you going to tell her, shoot the ball even though I don’t shoot it myself and clank and bonk a few when I do decide to follow through on Gil’s advice???? Do as I say, not as I do???? I remember in my health book in 5th grade when the book pointed out that parents who smoke telling you not to do the same thing are like the guy falling in the river and warning everybody else to watch your step.

Alexa, shoot the damn ball or an NBA career will go by the wayside and then your kismet is wearing shirts that match the ceiling. Remember, aim for the front of the rim and keep reaching for the stars.


Gang, it’s February and it is time for Black History Month installments.

Today’s offering is a man I deeply respect and admire, Tony Butler. Butler is a London-born member of the Scottish band, Big Country, who achieved great things, mainly during the ’80’s. Their song, “In a Big Country” was a huge hit in the U.K. and the U.S.A. The group also released “Steeltown” in 1984, Butler’s bass ringing triumphantly throughout the album, the album reaching #1 in the U.K. and doing respectably in America (which, to me, was a crock because the album ROCKED. I’m still buzzing even to this day over “The Great Divide”). Butler took over the lead singing duties after the group’s founder, Stuart Adamson, committed suicide. Butler more than filled the shoes until he left the band in 2012. He went on to a solid teaching career. A major backup for Pete Townshend (“Let My Love Open The Door”) and Roger Daltrey (“Under The Raging Moon”) , please join me in saluting a man who has left a huge footprint in the music business.


I never knew that erectile problems are caused by clogs in your Significant Other, as one ad claimed. Welllllllllllllll


“And Milford clanks and bonks to an embarrassing 65-41 loss to Valley Tech. I’ll have stats and highlights after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”


“Daddy, I gotta go poopie BADDDDDDD. I got farty spots all over my Flintstones Underroos.”

“Just a minute, son. Daddy’s gotta fix the clog in the pipes. Now where was I? ‘Apply a capful of Drano to problem clog and wear protective glasses’. No problem, I have those on. Thank God, the industrial arts teacher had some spares he didn’t need anymore.”

“Gil, Jaime has an emergency. When did we ever have a clog in the toilet? I just used the bathroom 15 minutes ago.”

“Shoot, Woman, tell Jaime to go to the neighbor’s facility. It’s got a sump pump. Now that I got Drano in my wiener, where’d I put the plunger? Mimi, did you use it to cram the coffee grinds down the kitchen sink again? I can’t flush my problems away if I don’t apply the proper tools.”

“Gil, instead of trying to be an amateur plumber to your problem area, why don’t you try that pill, Miracle Rush 3500? It is guaranteed to pump you up through the miracle of circulating through your shriveled Polski Wyrob. I saw the samples at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

“I won’t have to use Liquid Plumber anymore? Because it ate all my pubic hair.”

“In fact, after using Liquid Plumber on the sausages, the inside diagram showed that the hair and grease barely budged. But pour Miracle Rush and some Ovaltine on your problem, and erections and grease are polar opposites.”

“Mommy, Jaime pooped on the sump pump.”

“It was embarrasing to have to clean the sump pump with a Brillo pad. And I was still stuck with a bathtub with Erectile Dysfunction and standing water. I maxed out on my Milford Teachers Federal Credit Union debit card but the returns were amazing. Miracle Rush got me harder than a see-saw and Mimi was ridin’ my see-saw with a Moody Blues vengeance. And the bathroom was an open forum once again. Come down to the Clinic and unclog your problem and feel like a man and a plumber at the same time. You’ll never use your plunger again.

Gang, you’re my world. Thanks for all your support.

Now back to “Another World” to see if Chris Schuring pops the question to Alexa.



“Thank you, but I’m at the McDonald’s drive-thru.”







“Gil, put down the hammer and use the Miracle Rush. It’s in the medicine cabinet.”

January 30, 2020

All Thugs Must Pass.

Filed under: general nonsense, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 12:57 am


Wah Wah

I ignore your Wah Wah

And I’m laughing at you

And the moment they got rid of you

Oh Wah Wah


As some readers have mentioned, it was actually getting interesting when Alexa and Chris were engaged in thrust-and-parry combat. Then Teddy and Mozzarella Cheese Hair entered the room, prepared for battle that sunk to the level of Our Gang. It’s a shame Teddy didn’t bring a slingshot when he wasn’t pulling on Susan Willcox-(fill in desired surname)’s hair. Oh, Spanky was using it in the next room for target practice on Kaz’s earring. So he had to resort to playing recordings of Alfalfa’s singing (“Darla’s Kisses Are Sweeter Than Mimi’s”) while Chris was making his presentation of the Balfour Declaration. Next time play “Does the Chewing Gum Lose its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight” if you’re going to interrupt the Geneva Accords. We don’t need class clowns who get all their supplies at Milford Army Surplus Store.


If ya git sent ta the office cuz ya shouted out in class that Buckwheat poops in technicolor behind the mulberry bushes on yore landlord’s property while the teacher wuz doin’ one more round on the multipli-kay-shun tables afore ya take the 10th-grade final exam, ya might be a redneck.

And I’m being sarcastic here. Really, with all the tomfoolery instigated by Teddy, he could have at least waited until Chris had something INTERESTING to say. Why in the name of Fatty Arbuckle bring a solar-powered fart dispenser if Chris wasn’t going to be any more interesting than Gil’s Rules of Order? Was it worth getting sent to Sing Sing when Teddy popped his Bubble Yum as Chris was presenting his home movies?

“And here I am out in the yard, playing with the rake, pretending I’m Norman Bates. I was 4 years old at the time-”


“Sorry, Chris, that Drewrys Lite keeps popping back up. Big luau last night.”

“No worries, Coach.”


I mean, really, what is ORAL REPORT DAY???? Is that a legal holiday?????

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“All Banks, Government Offices And The Milford U.S. Postal Service Will Be Closed Friday In Observance Of Oral Report Day; Milford Tire & Wheel To Remain Open!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Mayor Garfield H. Butterly: ‘It is important to remember those who discussed Daniel Boone Crossing The Cumberland Gap in the line of duty.”


I’m wasting a George Harrison classic on a guy whose apex of his speech is flatter than Mudlar-K-Cola Groovy Grape at a church picnic.

“What’s important to remember is that it’s important to remember.”

Milford will live in a Day of Infamy on that one.

“What’s important to remember is that today marks the 73rd Anniversary of Coach Thorp’s Rite of Passage. He would no longer play with Hot Wheels, at least when Mimi wasn’t looking, but enjoy all the Joys of Manhood which he celebrated by hunting white-tail deer with his Remington 34 Special High-Powered shotg-”


“Oops, sorry. Got some Tums in my pocket somewhere.”

Hello, sorry I was scratching my butt while looking for my 3 x 5 note cards on the floor. Anyway, continuing the George Harrison Hit Parade

Wah Wah

You made me such a big star

Ghetto blaster screaming all the time

Cheaper than a dime

Wah Wah

You’re in detention because of

Wah Wah


Jerry Lucas, the excellent basketball player who was a member of the Ohio State team that won the NCAA Championship and who later had a solid NBA career, teamed with Harry Lorayne, a memory expert, to write a superb book on how to improve your memory. Gang, I just fell for this book and have been doing so ever since. As far as I’m concerned, it is a crime if you don’t read this book. It helped my memory immensely and has ever since.

The one thing they emphasized was DON’T MEMORIZE A SPEECH. That would make sense. If you’re in front of a large group of people, like a classroom full of kids or the patrons down at the Milford Moose Lodge auditorium, you really don’t want to sound like the Jetsons’ computer.

So if you have trouble remembering what you want to say, use key words that link each other to carry you from one topic to the next topic. If you get the key words cold, you should be able to go to town on each topic you’re covering.

Say you’re talking about the Civil War. You could use Gil’s coaching to associate with George McClellan’s ineptitude and apparent unwillingness to move the Army of the Potomac like Chris should associate with in P2. That way, if Teddy’s cell phone barks out The Tremelos “Silence is Golden” or Hank Williams’ “Settin’ the Woods on Fire”, Chris won’t miss a beat when he remembers that Gil not only can’t coach out of a Bucket Economy Bag, he also has a wife. This will trigger expounding upon Joseph Hooker at the Battle of Chancelorsville. Mimi’s coaching will be associated with Ambrose Burnside, i.e., “Wow, Mimi, is your husband growing sideburns? They look horrible with that Everly Brothers look. BTW, your team sucks.” If that doesn’t earn an A+ in your speech class, I’m burning the book.


Gene Rayburn is back to bring perspective to things. Welcome back, Gene. Take ‘er away

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought giving the Gettysburg Address was appropriate when Teddy played on his___________________”


Wah Wah

We don’t need this Wah Wah

It’s Swahili for Holy Bull Crap

Coach is essentially a sap

Wah Wah

Play-calling is a

Wah Wah


Another item Lorayne and Lucas pointed out was that certain memory tricks are valid but limited. For example, memorizing the altitude of Mount Fuji, highest point in Japan, is easy because 12,365 feet can be broken down to 12 months and 365 days both being equal to 1 year. The problem is that when you get to Mt. Milford, the highest point in the comic pages at 22,079 feet, it’s a little trickier. You really have to have a consistent system in your pocket to continue.

They came up with a number system that you matched with a letter or group of letters. For example, 5 would be “L” because when you put all your fingers together and extended your thumb while keeping your palms open, you formed the letter “L”. The number 2 was “N”, 0 was “S” or “Soft C”, 7 was “K” or “Hard C” and 9 was “P” or “B”. So the above figure could be a snap because at NOON (“22”) , I am scheduled to pick up my order of a SACK OF PIES (“079”) at The Bucket. I’d want a cherry on top but I ran out of numbers. It’s got its kinks, I’ll admit. But if Chris has to remember that 3,045 Union soldiers were killed at Stones River in Tennessee, all he has to do is look at Mozzarella Head (3 for “M”, 0 for “Z”, 4 for “R”, and 5 for “L”) and picture him and Teddy attempting to revive 3,045 soldiers with their ghetto blaster that they got from the Commisary at Ft. Donelson and I guarantee that Chris will be asked to give the Luckiest Man Alive speech at the Milford Kiwanis Club Silent Auction this Saturday since Lou Gehrig won’t be able to attend for obvious reason.



I don’t need your Wah Wah

I can coach with my Lasik Vision in me

My point guard shootin 3’s-




“Gil, this is Dr. Pearl. Don’t give up. My husband suffered from Beenie Weenie but now he’s cured. I have an ad for a free exam from Thrifty Nickel you can take down to the Clinic. We have a bunch of them in the garage.”



One other concept they taught in this book was picture association. The more bizarre, the better. Because what are you most likely to remember?  Events that are unusual or strange. They stand out more.

Exhibit A in P3. This’ll get the memory up and running. Two Jokers, one a Transformed Humanoid, i.e., overhauled hair arrangement from Mozzarella Cheese Head to Jiffy Pop Top,   walking in an M.C. Escher hallway with the Siamese Twins behind them after the latter got dumped with Benjamin Moore Vanilla White Paint after Luhm knocked it over when he was scratching the pimples in his butt.

Okay. Here we go. Picture an ash tray (Escher) at The Bucket (c’mon, comic strip or no comic strip, you can use your imagination) next to a table that has a bowl of vanilla ice cream topped with Jiffy Pop that changes into Sargento Sharp Cheddar (whoopsy daisy, mozzarella, my bad) with the Joker and Mrs. Joker double-dating with the Siamese Twins (assume twins are male and female stapled together) sitting down at that table while pimples are looming over the horizon about to infest the Town of Milford after the Milford Fire Department forgot to spray down the streets with Clearasil but the EMT had a spare wrench and turned on the fire hydrant, everybody at The Bucket able to see his crack when he was bending over to turn it on. Oh, then he had to serve detention after his shift was over.

And because 2 was associated with “N” because it took 2 downstrokes to create the letter, The Joker and Mrs. Joker danced to “Stroke Me” twice on the jukebox, wait a minute, that’s Panel 2.

But call me at 3:00AM sometime and see if I can’t remember all this in 15 seconds. Picture association is cutting edge, My Friend.


Thanks again for your patience. I should be able to cut things earlier so if you’ll hang with me, I’ll go half on the Jiffy Pop.


Also on the same album


These boys are so forlornly

They fart and burp in shame

They try to be so funny

But fart and burp in shame

How we sit here broken-hearted

A plot lost in the city

Forget this ever passed

Isn’t it a pity



At the Milford Comedy Club on Open-Mike Night

“…what do I look like, a turnip that just turned up in its Fruit of the Looms?”

Dead silence

“You gotta use word association, work with me…”


And as Abraham Lincoln said about Gil Thorp

“He’s an admirable engineer but he has a special talent for the stationary engine.”









January 28, 2020

Hey, Mudlarks, Didn’t Make The Team But I Can Make This Transistor Radio Fart In 3 Languages.


Teddy, to paraphrase the famous George Carlin album, with that cheap appliance you have in your possession that you purchased at Milford Antique Mall, it’s no mystery why you DID get the last girl at the school dance.

And don’t misunderstand me, nobody enjoyed school pranks more than I did. When I was taking German in my sophomore year in high school, we had a teacher, Mr. Stieler (like Pittsburgh Steelers) , who had an annoying habit of pulling down this map of Germany whenever the lesson brought up a place within the boundaries of the country (or Austria or Switzerland or Liecthenstein or Luxembourg or Alsace-Lorain, etc.) . Oberammergau, Neuschwanstein, Ludwigshafen, Garmischpartenkirchen, you name it, Mr. Stieler yanked it down and zeroed in on the location as if he’d been there last week to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread.

Well, some students put up a poster of Farrah Fawcett-Majors (’70’s, mind you) , and taped it over the map so the next time we approached the chapter discussing Frankfurt-am-Main, naturally and as if on cue, Mr. Stieler headed to the map and rattled off what an El Dorado that Frankfurt-am-Main was, that it should be your next vacation for the whole family, according to the AAA Travelogue, pulled down the map while singing the praises of Frankfurt-am-Main (O Victory in Frankfurt, my Savior forever…”) , and got the surprise of his life.

So if you’re going to be the class clown, Teddy, will you please frequent Best Buy or Radio Shack for all your classroom prank needs? Going to yard sales for electronic equipment that subsequently serves as a fly in the ointment for your adversary, let alone the teacher, really won’t cut it. Farting out Schleswig-Holstein in Japanese on your cheap Rural King translator while Schuring is doing a linear equation on the blackboard? Yeah buddy. Or maybe employing a used toaster to pop up Great Value waffles while Schuring is doing a book report on the Gettysburg Address. Hold that tiger.

George Wallace, the black comedian, not the famous ex-Governor of Alabama, and one of my favorite comedians, said it best once

“Answer me this, why do you whites have yard sales the next day after you’ve gotten drunk the night before on Friday night? And I’ll answer your question, yeah, when we honk, we all know each other.”

Teddy, therefore, why do you ATTEND yard sales to get trinkets that are meant to be a pain in the butt? Use your Visa card next time. Plenty of annoying contraptions that can also cut up Julienne fries.


Because I get a sneakin’ suspicion Mimi was impulse-buying when she purchased “Captain Kangaroo’s Fun Steps to a Better Basketball Player” from the candy bar rack

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Sales Are Shooting Through The Roof Over The Latest Edition To The Non-Fiction Aisle At Milford IGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Mimi Thorp: ‘We can teach our Feeder Leagues that if Grandfather Clock can make a free throw with the proper follow-through, anyone can.”


Not really sure why DeMarco is at The Bucket with his new toy. Like The Joker or The Penguin use The Bucket as HIS hideout. I suppose everyone has to have a place to touch base with when you’re either passing gas from that Brewmaster Instant Coffee machine or robbing the Milford 7-11.

“And when Schuring says ‘Four score and seven years ago, I’ll just nab the moment with my Close ‘n’ Play!!!!!!!!!!!! Still got your vinyl Alice Cooper’s ‘Love it to Death’?”


And then there’s the Wonderblender angle on this whole shebang. Anybody who watched Fernwood 2 Night knows of what I speak. Lou Moffett, a reputed consumer advocate playing the role of consumer watchdog against consumer rip-offs, wound up being guilty of his own Close ‘n’ Play.

And it is totally comical to observe Teddy display the calculator with…what? The speaker emanating from a miniaturized version of The Jetsons’ computer?

“Hey, Mr. Wonderblender computer, I know you can slice and dice and make a cherry smoothie out of Gil Thorp’s Pure Pork Sausage Decaf but what are the chances of my making the team?”

“The ppppprrrrobbbbbabbbbilllittyyyy weighs 2,567,390 pppppoooouuunnnndddssss.”

Teddy, encountering the same problem George Jetson came across when George was asking if he had the winning lottery ticket from Milford 7-11’s location on Deneb, trying to decipher a computer speaking with ping pong balls crammed in its mouth

“Okay, but what’s that got to do with my making the team?”

“Fffffffaaaatttttt chhhhhhaaannnnnnccccceeeee.”

If ya go ta the town square and git all the jars of hog chitlins from one table and duct tape from another table and baggy sweat pants from a third table cuz ya got ta have breakfast, ya got ta repair the toilet seat again and ya gotta have somethin’ a wear ta yore daughter’s graduation, in that order, ya might be a redneck.


“If you’re as appalled as I am by all the Veggie-matics and mixers that say that they can make cucumber salad out of collared greens and still disrupt Schuring’s recital of the Bill of Rights by memory, let me tell you, the Won-dah Blen-dah here can shred turnips to size and make a nice tuna casserole and put ol’ I-can’t-shoot-in-the-clutch-much-less-bake-cookies-in-the-Set-it-and-Forget-It-Amana-Range out to pasture. Just a matter of pushing the right buttons, sure.”


“And fellow stooge, this walkie-talkie/phone bug even recorded who shot Coach Shaw. The salesman at Costco cut me in on a discount. Just insert the AAAA batteries and we’ll know soon enough and collect our reward. Press ‘play’…”

“Bond, is that you? This is M. Report to headquarters immediately. Don’t even check in with Miss Moneypenny. We caught Blofeld’s trail over by Mudlark Lake Dam.”


Gang, I’m not even gonna try to wonder how Teddy got that scuzz on his face. Is Thorpiverse trying to send us a message? It’s a lousy one if it’s trying to make Joe Cool out of a face in dire need of Barbasol. Hoo boy, did this backfire.

He may have been obnoxious, crass, ill-mannered, insensitive, impolite, devious, unorganized, smelly, rancorous, but at least Gil shaved. So did Teddy. They both can’t coach but that’s another story.


“Folks, I just get furious when I see how expensive shaving apparatuses can be. It’s like Gillette and Norelco could care less about the average Joe and his financial liabilities, am I right, you bet.  When you are so concerned that you’ll get your car repossessed by Milford Federal Credit Union that you cannot afford a disposable blade, it’s time to take action, sure.

That’s why I am proud to present the Gilco Shave-a-Matic. It shaves better than all the leading brands combined, local shaving kits included. You can’t hide from us, shaving company that does a number on Marty’s goatee. Take Teddy in P2, sure. Doesn’t he look like he’s been shaving with the Won-dah Blen-dah? I think so, you bet. But get those rotor blades spinning at the proper angles with plenty of Canadian snake root spread all over his face and be sure the appliance is plugged in and no more fuzz like Gil had the first day of Basic in the Marines. And I promise you, for the same price as that toy graphing calculator that Teddy is touting in P2, his face can shine like his derriere after he wiped with Bounty, sure.”


The Bucket would have you think that’s where Teddy and his henchman are plotting Chris’ demise with their amazing technicolor machines. But Xanadu and the rest of the Electric Light Orchestra with Olivia Newton-John on a roller-skating assignment at the drive-in area seems more feasible.

And what’s worse, I have found 2 hairstyles worse than Coach Thorp’s. One is based upon a painting of IGA Ramen Noodles Teddy’s buddy spotted at a studio being oil-painted (so THAT’S what those naked ladies were eating in “Luncheon on the Grass”) for the Milford Chautauqua Fair and the other is Jimmy Dean with a mohawk. Rebel without a cause but with a walkman that can pass gas. Never thought I’d see the day.


“Doesn’t this plot stink out Teddy’s hairdo? You bet. Why I’ve heard people complaining that Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids could conjure up storylines better than this watered-down Father Brown mystery, sure. That’s why when you put eggs, cherry bombs, Mimi’s Waldorf salad, refried beans, kelp, orange juice, Gil’s medicated anti-frizzy shampoo, and Gerber’s Peeled Carrots into the Won-dah Blen-dah, turn the function to “mince”, you’ll have a plot ready to eat in no time flat. Just trim the fat, cut out all the bullshit, and drain the kelp, sure. Presto, dinner is served.


“No, Jerry, the stork did not deliver a Wonderblender to your house after you were born. I’m sure your mom did OK with those GE formula warmers. And we’ll be back after these messages.”


“Folks, are you having trouble keeping under budget every week? Does the grocery bill last longer sometimes than a triple-overtime game? Wouldn’t you like a little relief?

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse. The good people at the Warehouse understand that. After all, they don’t shop only at The Warehouse. They gotta get groceries too.

That’s why they are pleased to announce the Love for Liquor, Food for Free campaign. This week, a purchase of your favorite beers and wines will earn you a voucher for $25 of groceries. That’s right, if you purchase 1.75 ml of Maker’s Mark Whiskey for the unbeatable price of $42.99, you’ll walk away with some serious goodies. Boy, some whiskey and Captain Crunch is welcome at my breakfast table anytime.

But then some of you more discriminating connoisseurs might like Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc for $13.44 to go along with your London broil on the grill, topped by Heinz 57. Hey, whatever yanks your crank. Add some corn on the cob and you make it a meal.

For those of you who like to party to the max, we got ya covered. Imagine, some Bud Light 24-pack and some Betty Crocker Lemon Cake after a plateful of popcorn shrimp and Spaghetti O’s. At $14.99, doesn’t free groceries sound romantic? Looking through my beer mug of love sounds too good to be true.

And for every New Amsterdam Vodka you purchase, you’ll get a Wonderblender as a free gift and our way of thanking you for making The Warehouse the Beverage of Choice. Just think of all the vegetables you can stick into the blender, apples, oranges, mangos, grapes, avocados, and cranberries, saving the Vodka for last. Turn on the blender, watch it spin ’round and ’round, and you got a recipe for success fit for a king.

Come in and spin your own bottle and walk with a blender and money you saved by shopping at The Warehouse and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.


Thanks for your patience. I’ve been trying to fix this calculator all day. I finally got the trig functions to work.

With all the views so far, you people are kinder than I have a right to expect. You people keep me going even when I’m cussin’ and fussin’ with the machines (ha) . You all keep the site going. I am truly humbled and blessed by all the TWIMers. YOU’RE the ones crucifying Gil (ha ha) . May God bless you all and thanks again for your eternal patience.


“Mimi, come to bed.”

“Just a minute, Gil, I want to see how Mr. Moose slides his feet on defense. I think it’s a key concept I can teach the ladies.”




“…and in this great nation of ours, I have never seen anyone more incompetent to coach the girls team. Seen better coaches from Aunt Bea, you bet. And look at that hair. Why if that’s not a model for matting to fill the gerbil cage, I’m Neil Armstrong, sure. Well, Fernwood, I can’t teach Mimi how to call a time out but with Miracle-Moptop, fuzzy hair while you’re whapping your player’s ass with your basketball program is a thing of the past. Just set the mode to “gel” and-bonzai-no more tears and no more scarecrow hair. Boy, bet Mimi would love to call out a give-and-go with her hair follicles hanging like ornaments on a Christmas tree, you bet. And if you set it to “extra gel”, her hair will be pasted to her cochlea while the team is staging a furious rally. Sounds exciting, doesnt it, sure…”


And to round out George Carlin one more time


You can Gil your finger but don’t finger your Gil


January 23, 2020

I Suppose That’s Better Than Being A Male Gil Thorp.

Filed under: actual action, basketball — tdrewhardin @ 9:17 am


It seems that both teams are gathering steam as both teams have collected wins recently.

But I say that with reservations. The girls team won because Cindy was tired of Jan hogging the ball and Marcia wouldn’t shoot the rock even if Marcia could shake hands with the backboard so Cindy decided to be Reggie Miller. When the plot has to BOOM BABY out of Central, I’m not holding my breath that we’ll see closure to Gil’s Experiment With Some Tweaking By Mimi Who Went The Threats Of Hard Labor At Milford Salt Mines To Get Alexa To Pounce When The Deer Ain’t Looking Route any time soon.

In other words, we still have Alexa and her avoidance to the rim to deal with and I’m sure the readership is just absolutely pumped to see all the ways Mimi can motivate Alexa. We’ve already seen Mimi use a fraternity paddle on Alexa’s posterior and we’ve seen Mimi quoted as saying that scoring in basketball is like scoring in the Verbal portion of the SAT. That’s right, Coach, I get it. If I bring 20 #2 pencils to the next SAT testing site at the Milford High School Auditorium, not only will I ace the Analogy section, because I’d hate for the lead to break when I’m answering PLOT is to BARREN as GIL is to ____________, but I can use the spare #2’s to diagram a backdoor play on your clipboard. Heck, you only use it to spank the players when they fall asleep during the huddle anyway.

“Here, Alexa, get the Bucket Burger. It’s on the rim. You gotta make the free throw to get it down. Getting fouled in the late-going to stop the clock never tasted so good.”

Mimi, I think you better revamp the menu on this one.


I am saddened to announce the recent passing of Neil Peart, drummer nonpareil of Rush. He could just flat-out perform. If he wasn’t the best drummer in the world, he was a World-Class Drummer. Just listen to All The World’s a Stage, Rush’s live album, and you’ll hear what I mean. He put on a clinic on that disc. And he was also a classy guy, very much a Renaissance man with a variety of interests. Just your next-door neighbor with a VERY special gift. This teenager used to sit for hours listening to you on “2112” or “Fly By Night”. God bless you, Neil. Look forward to listening to you more in Heaven.


“Ladies and Gentlemen, Ice-Skating Duo Contestant #14 will perform their dance routine, the Rumba, to the tune “Looking Through The Eyes of Love, that’s right, the “Theme from ‘Ice Castles'” in the Dance Portion of the Compe-”


That or Milford City Council has passed an ordinance allowing Same-Sex Marriage.

Speaking as a Christian, I am understandably against the concept. However, I also believe in Freedom of Speech as stated in the U.S. Constitution. As Voltaire once said, I may not agree with what you have to say but will defend your right to say it. Me to a T.

That said, if basketball action is confined to a pseudo-wedding ceremony and the Rubber Band Man pulling down rebounds under the watchful eyes of several UFO’s, I cringe what the Playdowns will look like, assuming the Mudlarks make it that far. Synchronized Pick-Up Basketball on a floor Steve Luhm applied several kegs of Turtle Wax when he ran out of a pallet-load of Grecian Formula? I don’t think Thorpiverse will eliminate the flying saucers buzzing around but no more gray streaks at the free throw line extended.


“The basket is our friend, Alexa. There’s no need to be afraid of it. Now eat all your vegetables and you’ll see a picture of Dominique Wilkins doing a poster job on Hank Finkel. ”


Because I was quizzical when I saw a sign at a Chinese Food restaurant stating “Under New Management”


Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Developers Corporation To Buy Joe’s Cantonese Shack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“A spokesperson for MDC said a wine bistro in the family room is in the planning stages.”


Hand me down my quill and scroll

Hand me my notepad

You and me, we’re goin’ out

To learn skills from Coach Gil’s Pad

He’ll teach me how to shoot and score

And rebound crazy mad

Guaranteed to wow the fans

My game will be superbad


You never played the game until you listen to the Rubber-Hair Man

Can’t dunk the basketball till ya soak it in from the Rubber-Hair Man

The other team will lose control when they face the Rubber-Hair

Rubber-Hair Man

Doodoo doo doo doo doodoo


Doodoo doo doo doo doodoo

Dit dit dit



Coach Thorp, you tell your Special Project not too many moons ago to strike while the iron’s hot, not that that’s not inspirational advice guaranteed to make even Hank Finkel up his game from best 12th man in the NBA to 11th man in the same.

But all we’re getting out of it is Chris still disposing the rock to his teammates while simultaneously shooting a non-inspirational 4-for-9 and a P1 caption that could fit on a 3-place ribbon in the Milford Soap Box Derby accompanying the worst fist bump drawn by Thorpiverse?  Don’t let the sparks from Muench’s and Schuring’s fists try to jump my Sears Die-Hard, puh-lease. I’ll concede I’d try it on my model train set. It could juice up the engine on a cold day.

Or maybe those might be the equivalent Finkel’s numbers when Havlicek’s in foul trouble. Yeah, that’s it, lukewarm basketball but the Celtics go on to win. Pounce when ready, saith the Rubber-Hair Man.


“You passed up the winning lay-up?????? Go to your room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”


And after hours of observation, I can safely conclude a couple of things. First, Marcell Irby indeed had a solid game but, c’mon, if this sideshow-soap opera is to continue, we can’t have needless distractions such as this. Guys puttin’ up the numbers get in the way of guys flippin’ off the coach’s advice. What’s the point on teaching a guy to finish on a 3-on-2 on a skating rink when we’re bogged down by guys who want to win. Man, Marcell, go play for the Hickory Huskers.

Second, I know it’ll be an adjustment not playing under a tipi like in P2 but again, as Coach Norman Dale will tell you, the basket is 15 feet at Hickory’s gym too.


Once I went to hear him preach

At a gym outside of town

I was tantalized

I was hypnotized

At the dregs the coach put down

When I saw this lardhead don

Stretch a lesson to his charge

Hey, I laughed so hard

‘Cause the coach got down

When the rubbish stretched too large


You never broke a press till you heard the Rubber-Hair Man

Don’t know how to work the refs till you imitate the Rubber-Hair Man

Don’t let the game get out of control, seek the Rubber-Hair

Rubber-Hair Man


Doodoo doo doo, etc.

Ball bounced off his rubber hair

Then he deflated it and stashed it in his underwear

Guaranteed to blow your mind

Talkin’ ’bout basketball, yet losing time

How in the world did he get this job

Lord, help him get away


P3 just absolutely takes the cake. These are the premises for a Phillips Milk of Magnesia commercial

“Wow, Marcell, you had a monster game last week against Oolitic. What happened?”

“Coach Dale told me to go down to Hickory Apothecary and get some Ex-Lax. I was constipated from all those Bucket Crawdads I ate at the Hickory VFW Social.”

“Baby, baby, I like the way you shake and bake.”

“With X-Lax, I’m not the only one moving without the ball. And I don’t have to learn from Coach Thorp how to dunk while on skates. I’ll let the Bud Light Daredevils figure out how to jump off a trampoline with skates and do a windmill. Coach Dale coaches real basketball.”

“That’s my man. How ’bout a date Friday night?”



At the Milford Girls Gym at 1:00AM one night

“Oh, come on, Alexa, seals eat fish all the time when they jump through the hoop. And that was a good play underneath.”


“And that’s the game. The final score, Milford, 67, Oakwood, 54. I’ll have final stats in a moment. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

In aisle two of the Milford Beverage Warehouse, Coach Kaz turns a corner


Coach Kaz’s cart collides with the cart of Mr. Dr. Pearl

“Hey, you got your Jack Daniels all over my Gil Thorp Bar-B-Q tub!!!!!!!!!!!”

“And you have your Gil Thorp Pure Pork Italian Sausage all over my Sutter Home Wine!!!!!!!!!!!!”


“Folks, it took a while to sort this one out. Fortunately, both of them had coupons, so no harm, no foul. And Mr. Dr. Pearl didn’t get sausage patties all over his Hersheys Dark Almond bars so no need to call an attorney.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse and while they wuz sortin’, the craziest thing happened. I took a test run at the laboratories at Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Enterprises and the scientists confirmed that it was not only safe to mix a bottle of Jack with my secret recipe Bar-B-Q, that it was healthy and nutritious. And the response from our customers was overwhelming.

Now don’t quit buying Wheaties but let me tell you that Jack Daniels Whiskey smoked into our Bar-B-Q at our huge hickory-smoked oven that you could fit your Cessna when you’re doing business trips paid dividends. In short, the results were fantastic.

The melt-in-your-mouth flavors really fire up the belly and our customers agree and have said so through our fan base and emails. Everywhere from church picnics to company Christmas dinners have sampled the merchandise and keep beggin’ for more. With the profits soaring from Gil Thorp Jack Daniels Sprayed Old-Fashioned Bar-B-Q, I don’t mind people asking if I can spare a dime.

That’s why Milford Beverage Warehouse and Menards have gotten in on the act. For every Broyhill Rustic Design Commode or Kohler High Seat Curve White at the everyday price of $189.99 that you purchase from Menard’s, Milford Beverage Warehouse will kick in a free container of Gil ‘n’ Jack Bar-B-Q. No better time than to throw out that old contraption that your grandma used to flush. Why wait until the water floods over into your neighbor’s yard? When it overflows from a Charmin Floral Print, it’s time to switch potties.

There’ll be plenty of commodes to choose from up at the front of the store by the magazine rack and friendly salesmen to help you make the transition. And there’s free installation!

People, that sounds like a Square Deal to me. No better way to celebrate a new phase in your life than sittin’ on that new phase, sippin’ on a Jack and chaser, readin’ The New Yorker after a heapin’ helpin’ of Gil ‘n’ Jack and some cole slaw and mac ‘n’ cheese. Starving kids in China can’t get to a toilet, let alone Bar-B-Q.

Come get your own reading room and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”


At the SAT Test Site in Milford High School Auditorium

“Hmmmmmmmm, it comes down to INCOMPETENT or IONIZED. Oh well, I’ll just flip a coin.”


“And Skating Duo #14 will be performing a barnyard dance to the guitar stylings of Duane Eddy…”


Thanks again for your patience, Gang. One of these days, I promise I’ll shoot when open.

January 21, 2020

Ease Off, Alexa, I’m Pretending To Be A Coach And The Camera’s Rolling.

Filed under: Milford Idiots, Mimi Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 7:09 am


He lived The Dream


He lived The Dream because he was The Dream. He worked and toiled to set ALL people free. And he chose to do it with love. Many leaders foment rebellion but Doctor Martin Luther King Junior was like Gandhi, if the cause was violent, neither wanted any part of it.

Please remember a man who set all men free through the gift of speech and through the ability to organize peacefully. Speaking as a Christian, I feel it is important to recognize a man who made it possible to implement what seemed impossible. And he did it with love.

On the birthday of Doctor Martin Luther King Junior, I would like to take the time to point out the grave injustices done to several African-American musicians. Because, for example, I am angered and outraged to find out Muddy Waters, one of the great Blues musicians, wound up working minimum-wage in a hardware store, I would ask the readership to please spread the word about Eric Clapton and The Rolling Stones who couldn’t do everything but did SOMETHING to address issues like this.

And for good measure, please spread the word for The Beatles, The Who, REM, U2, Duran Duran, The Police, Edgar Winter, and Johnny Winter who also did SOMETHING.

I am not asking you to buy their records. But if everybody would take the time to talk this up, SOMETHING will get accomplished. Doctor Martin Luther King Junior would have said the same thing.

Thank you for reading.



Alexa, as I recall, nobody was asking you to shoot ill-advised 3-pointers clunkers to ignite the Milford Girls Basketball offense. Hey, you’re still the Head Inmate running Mimi’s Prison & Grill but if you’ll listen CAREFULLY next time to Coach Mimi’s words (Jeez, it’s hard to utter these oxymorons) , she was essentially pointing out that as long as you and Chris Schuring are duking it out on the academic front and the athletic front (“I backed my man better than you did”) that points on your GPA should be equivalent to points on the scoreboard. I mean, she whacked you on the butt to drive home her message. Does she need to go get a 2 × 4 from Milford Hardwoods to enforce the issue?

In Dr. Pearl’s office one day

“Dr. Pearl, I’ve told her time and time again that when she’s open 2 feet under the basket to SHOOT THE DAMN BALL, not kick it out for a contested 25-footer!!!!!!!!!! And when she got an open look and went to the water fountain to go get a drink, that was the final straw. That’s traveling, Alexa.”

“Fine, Coach Thorp. Do what you have to do.”



I guess as long as there’s a witness and the paddle is made from the baobob tree and there’s no blood, no foul.



Big shout-out to Miranda Gross of Louisville, Kentucky. She comes to work with presence of mind and makes good food for the customer to eat and judging by the customer business, she makes it pretty damn good. And she does it with a smile. She represents America with her focus to the task and let me tell you, that focus doesn’t get paid enough. Next time you’re in Pizza Hut on Lower Hunters Trace and Dixie Highway in Louisville, stop in and say hello to her. She’s more than earned her money and my respect.

Support Working America, Gang. They fuel America with a vengeance.


Gang, I know Thorpiverse likes perspective. It certainly adds fuel to the fire and spices up the plot. Naturally, applying Lawry’s Sea Salt to a dead battery isn’t going to start the vehicle anytime soon, but that’s beside the point. I just think how cool it is that the Mudlark Ladies Basketball team is being directed (?) by their fearless coach under a the roof of a gigantic Lionel Train set. If that doesn’t set historic precedent, nothing will.

And once at a Pacer game, Reggie Miller came out way early from halftime and practiced shooting 3’s, swishing every one of them. Guess what? We won on a last-second, off-balance 3 from Reggie himself. Ya llay the way ya practice.


Therefore, I just adore Alexa’s comments. My grandmother was a Republican, my mother was a Republican, therefore I ain’t shootin’ the rock out next to the trail official again. I got my pride, you know. Oh, we get it, Alexa, neither your grandmother nor your mother was Reggie Miller, so you ain’t about to make a fool out of yourself. If you’re going to do any kicking out when you’re wide open, you ain’t gonna do any kickin’ at the 10-second line. Sure, ya play the way ya practice. Makes sense.

Grandma made a career out of passing up easy looks to lead the team to victory. Way to take one for the team, Grandma. And the tradition continues. Successs breeds success.


If ya shoot squirrel with a bow cuz yore granddaddy did it with a sword he won from the Civil War and yore daddy killed ’em with a Bowie knife, both off ’em dumpin’ McCormick’s Oregano ta spice up the spoils, and ya do the same dumpin’ with McCormick’s Parsley and Sage, ya might be a redneck.


I remember reading a book a few years back called “Psychiatry and Ethics” that was written by a psychiatrist and professor shortly before he died. In his introductory comments, he pointed out that age was not necessarily a sign of wisdom but many times an accumulation of a lot of muddled ideas.

So when I see that Big Close-up of Mimi today, I’m not expecting Taoism to fall out of the sky.

The basketball team functions as one within you and it simply operates. Just relax and kick back-

“Coach, you got 10 seconds to get on the floor.”

We’ll contemplate the Tao on the next 20-second time out.


Ooooooookkkkkkkk, so let’s see what happens when Alexa ignores GilMimi logic and keeps ignoring the bucket whether she makes a beautiful backdoor cut for a bunny or gets a Patrick-Ewing-4-steps-to-the-basket runner by going back in time. Don Fischer with the call in 1987 (cold as Hell in my car while I was listening but worth it based on the result-ha) and it’s the NCAA Finals game

“Down low to Darryl Thomas. Kicks it back out to Keith Smart. Smart with the shot-OH NOOOOOOO, HE PASSES IT TO DON NOORT AND NOORT SHOOTS AT THE OTHER GOAL. SYRACUSE WINS THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Scary. Alexa, I’ll admit Gil and Mimi wouldn’t know WHAT TO DO with Don Noort, the best 12th man the Hoosiers ever had, but if you don’t want him and Magnus Pelkowski in the Starting 5 against Michigan in the 1976 Championship game, you better shoot while the passing lanes are open. Don Noort teamed up with Isaiah Thomas and Landon Turner in ’81? If you haven’t been offensive, er, a gunner before, you better shoot the J or G.J. Smith might join them. Oops, that’s Kentucky. Well, you get the concept.

And doncha just love that Mount Rushmore profile Thorpiverse attempts to project? Like George Washington was drawing up a box-and-one on Gentleman John Burgoyne when he was posing in the hills of South Dakota.

And I could swallow that portrait if she wasn’t so friggin’ clueless. Once upon a time, she was in her office calculating how lucky her team was, her pocket calculator actually displaying a winning record function.

Then she playfully whacks Alexa on the butt and that’s where Mimi went wrong. She should have gotten those Marine boots Gil had stored in the Spanish-American war chest and laid into Alexa’s derriere. Sure, it didn’t match your Izod gym suit but if you want to light a fire under Don Noort’s butt, fashion is a low priority. Shoot the damn ball on a lay-up or you’ll see more of what Jack La Laine wore at Iwo Jima. Attaway, take charge, Coach.

And I’d like to give the benefit of the doubt and say that Teddy Roosevelt in P2 has an air of confidence before besieging San Juan Hill. But I wouldn’t want to be in his unit based UPON P2. I’ll sit out this one and help the medics on the back line.

What I REALLY think Teddy, er, Mimi is communicating, based upon the facial English is “Dammit, I didn’t slap your ass and risk a lawsuit for no reason, SHOOT THE BALL (but if you pass up easy opportunities and we win by 30, that’s OK too, I get mixed up on which bucket to shoot at too, the plot forgot to tell us which end we’re shooting at so if you shoot a lay-up and make it and the opponent gets awarded the 2, you’ll know to shoot lay-ups and pass up easy bunnies on the other end. It helps to know which end where your offense is sucking.)


Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Laterals To The Left Guard 2 Yards Shy Of The Goal Line, Team Loses Contest In Milford Parks & Recreation Flag Football League!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I ain’t no Jim Brown.”



And don’t that beat all. This whole ShootScandal (or maybe Bunnygate) has dragged down into girly gossip in P3. Boy, nothing like Jan and Marcia and Cindy and Don and G.J. as my starting 5. Can’t wait for the Rotisserie League to start. They’ll shoot the ball anyway. Didn’t say where.

Yeah, while Alexa needs to be reminded by Coach Norman Dale, because Mimi’s profile is still hardening next to Abe Lincoln, that the basket is still 15 feet from the free throw line and that tall people have been known to shoot in that area or thereabouts, the plot has been temporarily (fingers crossed) sidetracked, resembling a chapter out a Louisa May Alcott novel

Jan was shy and was quite unclear where her heart should be, let alone the ball. Marcia’s acquaintance, Gilshire Bunnygate, Esq., had attained a reputation for beguiling the fortunes of her demeanor and therefore encouraged Cindy to pursue an alternate course to the baseline. G.J. and Don, two lackeys who brought the brougham to the estate, exhibited an uncharacteristic altruism by sacrificing the prize for the greater good. The game was won quite handily.

I think Marty Moon appears in the next chapter. I’ll let you know.


“And Coach Mimi Thorp calls a time out. Alexa Watson is struggling on 2-of-11 shooting and it is evident as Milford has fallen behind with Central leading, 26-17. We’ll take a break and come back after these messages. This is Marty Moon and your listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”


On the roof of the Milford High School gym


I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M GOING TO END IT ALL NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Honnnnneyyyyyyyy, why are you on this roof? Don’t you want to come to bed with me?”


“Honey, don’t be afraid. I called the Milford Suicide Prevention Line and they are here to help.”

“Coach Shaw, whatever your reasons for jumping, please listen to reason. We just want to know what’s wrong.”

“Shit, I wanted to impress the Mrs. by getting harder than Pike’s Peak but I’m still flatter than the Florida Everglades. I couldn’t perform oral sex on a Florida panther. I knew I shouldn’t have applied Miracle-Gro.  I CAN’T GO ON!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Coach Shaw, your wife here has set up an appointment at Milford Men’s Clinic for an emermency massage, a round-the-clock service that is fully-staffed 24/7. All you have to do is fill out some easy paperwork, drop your Levi’s and the masseuse will do the rest. That’s better than landing in the dumpster below.”

“Honey, you don’t want to be filthy with cafeteria food. And this is a better option. Sometimes when the bear won’t bite you, you have to let somebody apply some TLC and rub some Ben-Gay along the way. You may smell mediciny but you’ll be solid as a church.”

“And Coach Shaw, who’s going to take your place in the fall? The other temp coaches went to Dagwood to coach Elmo’s 10-and-under traveling football squad.”



“The crisis prevention specialist had a point. And I missed gettin’ it on in bed. And after a thorough psychiatric evaluation at Milford State Hospital, I’ll be able to leave the padded room and head to Milford Men’s Clinic for some tender touches. Yup, once I convince the psychiatric staff that I will not warm my significant other on the bulletin board, it’s all downhill from there. And my wife’s goin’ down and she’s gonna love it.

Don’t put your own sex life in a straitjacket. Come to Milford Men’s Clinic and get yourself free. Take it from me, freedom is not hard once you’re hard.”


Thanks for your patience. I just hope I don’t lose mine watching this game.



“Ow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn, that hurts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Yeah????????!!!!!!!!!!! Well, you’re going to get 38 more if you don’t start shooting the ball!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”


Heard on a Chick Hearn broadcast of the Lakers late one night

“It’s been a tight ball game between the Lakers and the Pacers, geez, where’s the noose? Kareem has had his way with Smits down low. No way Smits can touch that sky hook. Smits hasn’t had an answer or a prayer. Nixon dumps  it down low for the-WHAT’S HE DOING DRIBBLING TO THE 3-POINT ARC????? MAGIC’S LOOKIN’ AT HIM LIKE HE JUST LOST HIS VIRGINITY-”


Well, time to go to work




January 16, 2020

Catch As Catch And Pass.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:58 pm


So much for striking while the iron is hot. Looks like Chris put his lightning rod down to go take a pee behind the bleachers.

Didn’t Coach Thorp say several days ago that when the opportunity is there, you need to pounce (his exact words) ? Look no further than today’s strip to observe that Gil’s Experiment failed. That’s right, Chris Schuring is still in the mode that when you see 10,000 Indians at Little Big Horn, kick it out. Don’t be like William Armstrong Custer and force the shot. Some refs literally call No Blood No Foul and even if there’s blood, you’re dead on the ground with 37 arrows. Then ya gotta sit on the bench for at least the next dead ball or whenever you wipe away the blood, according to the Blood Rule in High School Basketball. Sucks.

Now we still have several strips to go and even Hi “Lois Wouldn’t Be Caught Dead With That Hairdo Nor Her Brother Beetle Bailey” James was getting in on the act and exhorting to not be so unselfish. Sometimes you can dunk with Sitting Bull camped in the lane and they’re not calling Illegal Defense. So Chris might actually get out his Zippo and light it up and reach Wilt-like numbers. Hey, there’s parity not only in College Basketball but in Gil’s teaching methods. It’ll come ’round, I’m sure.

You gotta be ready when opportunity meets reality, Chris. Shoot one for the team. As Knute Rockne once said, good players come out to shoot, not watch the game.


If yore told ta shoot with yore shotgun at Milford Fish & Wildlife Management Area even though ya cain’t stand to watch an animal get killed but natural instincts naturally kick in and ya atomize a squirrel ya treed with yore beagles and ya wind with Squirrels ‘n’ Bits fer dinner, ya might be a redneck.


And what is a COOKIE doing on the basketball floor? Man, don’t the refs call illegal debris on the court anymore?

Wait a minute, that’s a BASKETBALL. One that’s collected a little too much sand at the beaches of Mudlark Lake Resort. I mean, that sphere is chock full o’ chocolate chips, Gang. Couldn’t you see the commercial


Pillsbury Dough Boy performing a reverse slam, a Magic Johnson no-look pass to Michael Cooper for an easy 2, a half-court heave for tickets to sit courtside behind the Mudlark bench, a baseline jumper, a Kareem sky-hook

“And the best part is, they’re still warm enough to dunk in your milk at bedtime”

Quoth The Pillsbury Dough Boy as the obligatory poke to his stomach ends the commercial.

Man, that has possibilities. When the opportunity is there, you need to pounce, Pillsbury Dough Boy.


The night Wilt scored 100 points, Billy Cunningham was interviewed after the game

“Yeah, me and Wilt combined for 105 points.”


Come to Jeff Smith Marathon in Edwardsville, Indiana. I’m tellin’ ya, as I came in to pump my gas, they were moving cars in and out of the garage to fix and get fixed. Now THAT’S busy. And Bre was there with the smile on her face and the usual courteous service. Crystal and Georgiana are always great with customers too. Heck, when I was leaving, they were still moving cars in and out of the garage. Keep that business rollin’, My Friend. And keep up the good work.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everybody knows your name. The Good People at Jeff Smith Marathon know mine.


shiny happy people playing D

Shiny Happy People playing D



Keep him from the hoop

Guard him Shove him

Spread the D around

Chin up Hands up


Move your feet in step so he won’t shoot from 8


Ooooooookkkkkk, REM out of the way, Gang, doncha just love it when the Shiny Happy People are always guarding the Mudlarks like in P2? I’ve heard of puttin’ on your Game Face but stapling on that semi-smile is a tad unnecessary. Everyone in the building knows you have focus. We don’t need a Smiley Face to turn up the intensity.

But you old-timers, I’m sure, are used to players with happy feet and face trying to take the Mudlarks out of the offense. But with Gil displaying his own happy visage several days after a heartbreaking loss, the Mudlarks know how to match up. The other team seems to overlook that in the scouting report. Yeah, it won’t do you any good, Mudlark opponents, if you have a coach who’s made a career of smiling for the camera when you’re staging a rally. If the bear DOES bite you, you just smile, then bite it back. Little wonder why Milford has a winning record over the decades.

And it won’t do you any good to execute a Game Face Extreme (P1) so you exhibit the intensity of Godzilla. You may destroy the town of Milford by stomping on and smashing every building in sight but Milford still more often than not walks away with a W.


“Gil, our house was here this morning.”

“Let our opponents do what they want, we still have the Holiday Tourney trophy.”


Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J.’s Condo Overrun By Them!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I need to call Milford Pest Control. They even ate my Maserati.”


And geometry prevails once again in P2. Baryshnikov executed that ballet move in “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies.” If he can perform that coup de grace in those gym shorts the Madison defender is wearing, he’s got my vote for World Class Dancer.

The consolation prize is he still doesn’t have to worry about Chris doing any pouncing, not yet anyway. The minute Chris decides to switch into Dominique Wilkins-taking-on-the-rest-of-the-Milford-gym (dude could dunk, though, treadin’ lightly) , those gym shorts will get a serious workout. I hope the Madison defender has needle and thread in his gym bag.


My high school sociology teacher, Mr. Lawrence, an excellent teacher, BTW, made the astute observation in class one time that the average TV viewer had the educational level and general outlook of a 13-year-old. I couldn’t agree more.

But does Thorpiverse think he can take that one and run with it in P3? Just yesterday, Chief ‘Abbreviated Name Who Rides On Pintos was motioning as if encouraging Chris to shoot. That would make sense. Again, don’t be TOO unselfish, Chris. You need to show a little game yourself if you want to help the team win. Pounce on the grizzly while the rest of the team is holding the beast down. The opportunity is there once again.

But evidently Thorpiverse is ruining that logic put forth by Mr. Lawrence and insulting our intelligence. Some of us did graduate from kindergarten, Coach.

You don’t think we didn’t NOTICE that Chris is still pretty much being gun-shy, not that it wasn’t a pretty kick-out for a bomb that could set the tone for this game? Oh, yeah, instruct him one way yesterday, then tell him that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it TODAY. Just let that leaky pipe keep leaking. As long as we have water to pour in Mr. Coffee so that we can slurp our Eight o’ Clock Decaf, there’s no need to call the plumber, no matter how many times Gil and I have handed you the Milford Yellow Pages to get his number on the landline. I can’t wait for the instructional video to come out.

On a Jane Fonda Aerobics Workout

“Remember yesterday when I told you to sit up and down 1000 times to the music of Eric Clapton’s ‘Tangled in Love’ to  remove the flab from your gluteus maximus? Change of plans. Today I want you to stand on your head and pump those cheeks straight off the wall, music still the same. Clapton is God, y’know.”


And I LOVE the chunky bracelet observations many of our readers posit. That and the flying saucers, part of which we see in P3, DEFINITELY qualify for Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. Hey, I’d be a little leery if someone was chirping contradictory advice while a UFO was suspended over us and taking notes.


“Schuring dribbles courtside right. Down to D Squared in the low post. 13 on the shot clock. He’s double-teamed and kicks it over to Antonio Davis on the left baseline. Nothing doing and sends it back over to Schuring, 5 on the shot clock. Schuring penetrates, then kicks it back out to Reggie for threeeeeee…”

BOOM BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Whatever advice Coach Thorp has thrown Schuring’s way is doing no good here. Schuring seems to be pursuing his own agenda, much to the Pacers’ favor.”

“Gotta get after it, Chris.”

“I agree, Slick. And now Madison calls time-out to talk things over. With 4:55 left in the 3 quarter, it’s the Pacers, 75, Madison, 63, on the Fan Duel Scoreboard. We’ll be back in a moment. This is Mark Boyle on the Pacers Radio Network.”


“Do you need insurance but are living within a budget? Are you afraid that the police will pull you over when you can’t show your insurance card, let alone your registration? What if your house burns down after the toaster malfunctioned from an overload of Pop Tarts?”

Hi, this is Mr. Dr. Pearl. Some of you know me as the husband of the principal of Milford High School. But what you don’t know is that when she and I got married, we were unsure how to finance our insurance. Renting out a residence at the Versailles Palace wasn’t cheap and neither was renter’s insurance. Thank Heaven the pros at Milford Farm Bureau Insurance were there to offer a policy that covered everything up to the sateen covers on the bed. Good thing, I didn’t want to sleep with my wife on the couch we financed from The Salvation Army even if renters insurance covered that as well.

But Milford Farm Bureau Insurance also sells automobile insurance. And did it ever come in handy when my Model T collided with some kid in his Trans Am blasting James Brown’s ‘It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s World’. The company not only underwrote the engine overhaul, the kid got fined several thousand dollars for violating Milford City Noise Ordinance.

And for you business owners, golly, are you in luck. Milford Farm Bureau Insurance is headquarters for workplace insurance. When a factory worker fell in the vat at Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Enterprises, the worker received Workman’s Comp and Gil received a check to recover piece of mind. Tighten the bolts on the metal stairway along with assurances of no more accidents that went beyond a Band-Aid, and the check was as good as in the bank at Milford Federal.

Come down and talk to one of the agents and see how Milford Farm Bureau Insurance can help you get started on a policy that won’t strain the pocketbook. You owe it to yourself to see all the amenities they have to offer. Me, I’m glad me and the missus don’t have to share the toilet anymore. That’s correct, even the bathroom’s covered on our homeowner’s policy.

Milford Farm Bureau Insurance. People who care and dare to show it with their great rates and service. People like you and me who all agree Gil should be run out of town. Well, they don’t have a policy on that. Yet.”


Thanks for your patience, Gang. Things got busy but FINALLY able to kick it out to Muench Man. God, he better make it.


Heard after another take on Shiny Happy People video

“Keri, let Jaime ride the tricycle for a while.”


Jack La Laine on TV one morning

“Come on, Grandma, I know I told you to run in place yesterday but today I want you to do some knuckle push-ups. We’ll tone up those stomach muscles one way or the other.”


January 14, 2020

“In Other Words, If You Want To Make Honor Roll This Semester, You Have To Reach Double Bonus.”

Filed under: basketball, Boredom in Milford — tdrewhardin @ 1:59 pm


This is the city. Milford USA. It’s a city like any other city, it has its parks, residential areas, factories, shopping centers, and schools. But unlike other cities, this city contains a high school with a gentleman who coaches multiple sports and sports multiple absences. When he does appear on the scene, sometimes questionable activities appears in his rearview mirror. The fans have long since tolerated his inept attempts to lead the kids to victory. I’ll smoke my Camels in the Milford Police Department break room and read the racing forms and bet on the winning horse at Milford Downs.

But when he oversteps the line and ethics and the law are in double overtime, that’s when I go to work. My name’s Friday. I carry a badge.


It was a typical winter day in Milford. Lots of sunshine but a hint of a blizzard was in the forecast later this evening. There were a lot of frisbee golfers out at Milford Frisbee Range taking advantage of the balmy conditions.

My partner, Bill Gannon, and I were assigned to the Academic and Sports Fraudulent Operations & Enterprises Division of the Milford Police Department. The boss is Captain DeMarco.

We had been informed to be on the lookout for dubious operatives pertaining to a certain student. Her name was reported to be Alexa Watson. She went by the nickname “Grade Shark”. She had a reputation for dumping anyone in the river who aced her on the Trig Final. We had encounrered a couple of bloated bodies but the only thing we observed when she opened the trunk were the groceries. This investigation was going to take time. Lots of time.

“Joe, just talked to HQ on the talkie. Found another one in the creek. His slide rule had leeches all over it.”

“Not surprised. If you want to go to Harvard, you better cover it up. And fast.”

“How does she do it? Right now her record is clean while the student body is declining.”

“Beats me.”

“I guess if you want to go to Yale, you simply say ‘Boola, Boola’ when you’re smoking in the bathroom.”

“Some kids know how to break the rules and get an ‘A’ on the term paper, I guess.”

“Kids these days. Commit armed robbery at Milford Federal and graduate Summa Cum Laude. I don’t get it.”

“Me neither.”

“Joe, are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

“Time to go to work. Let’s go.”

Watson was seen carrying a basketball into the Milford gym. She committed the same fatal flaw every criminal makes, performing something out of character with the script. When you stood out like the burnt pickle on a Bucket Burger, you were a sitting duck for the law. Watson would be quacking a long time on this one.


If ya get caught in the file cabinet cuz ya wanted ta change the grade illegally on yore woodworking project in Introductory Woods class cuz ya found some treated wood that’d hold up better on yore outhouse that ya built, ya might be a redneck.


Gang, if there’s 3 inevitable items on the table us Thorpiverse veterans are inured to, it’d be death, taxes, and the revolving door and I don’t mean leading into Gil’s office. Thorpiverse always keeps us well-stocked with anonymous characters who step out of the sewer line of some random street in Milford and apprise Gil of a situation like the one we have on our plate today. We have no clue what function Mrs. Jane Doe is serving at this juncture nor her job title. Is she a teacher? Counselor? Department Head of Industrial Arts? Whatever her role, she is one of a million people who remain incognito while serving as a bridge to the plot-for-a-day scenario, a tactic well-used by Thorpiverse since its inception.

“Dr. Pearl, we need more buffer pads for the machine. And we need 3 more orders of toilet paper after Gil used a whole roll from that Faculty Enchilada Brunch this afternoon.”

“Certainly. BTW, did you get that PSAT score report audit on the sophomore class? The State called about it again about 15 minutes ago.”


Then there’s academics practically being called a contact sport. This is another flailing attempt for Thorpiverse to use a literary device, in this case a metaphor, to inflate the plot when in reality it needs to hit the Milford Men’s Clinic sooner than Coach Shaw and that’s pretty puffy, if you ask me.

Yeah, yeah, Alexa shouldn’t have her hand on the player’s fanny when the latter is working on the cosine wave (“Let me see, cos 60 degrees equals 1/2-HEY, will you quit pulling down my shorts?”) . Don’t want to let the game get out of control. Call it tight now. If it’s a foul, call it, if the player takes 5 steps with the graphing calculator, call traveling, if the player is in the arctan area for 10 seconds, call 3 seconds. We don’t the game to get out of hand. We completely understand, Thorpiverse.


Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Ejected After Flagrant Foul In Milford Parks & Recreation 6 Feet And Under League Basketball Game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Witnesses confirm he kicked Spud Webb in the groin while Webb was contesting a breakaway dunk.”


2:27PM. Bill and I went to talk with Mrs. Doe about the reports she attempted to turn in to the State Superintendent of Public Instruction. We managed to flag her down just as she was about to give them to the mailman before he took off in his LLV on his mounted route. We had hope this would help in eventually cracking the case

“Look, Gil forgot to put a stamp on it. That’s why it couldn’t be mailed.”

“Sir, we’re asking Mrs. Doe that question.”

“Oops. Sorry, Gentlemen.”

“Quite all right”

LLV drives away out of the Milford High School parking lot

“Alexa begged us not to mail it. I gave in because I have a soft heart for kids plus Chris blew the game. I couldn’t reward people who choke in the clutch.”

“So what did you do next?”

“I gave them to Dr. Pearl. She said she would throw them away as they were supernumerary reports and did not affect the Bell Curve. Alexa still had a chance to catch Chris with these reports in the garbage can.”

“Ma’am, you can’t throw away confidential information just on the whim of your bleeding heart. You could wind up in the hoosegow.”

Gannon had a point. Flirting with somebody’s academic future was analogous with Mimi’s analogies. Both were dangerous and inexplicable.

“Is there anything else?”

“No, ma’am, just sit tight until we complete the investigation.”

“Will I go to jail?”

“Not sure. That’ll be up to the Director of Academic Fraud Bunco Division.”

“Alexa’s a nice kid. She deserves only the best. She really respects Mimi Thorp. And Gil also.”

“But so does Chris.”

Somber music sets in


Oh Brother. These so-called Teachable Moments like we’re supposedly experiencing in P2 is about as laughable as all get out.

Like, what is your point, Mimi? If Wilt scored 100 on that fateful night in ’62 at the Hershey, Pennsylvania gym, he’d have his Honorary Diploma from Milford High School? I can understand trying to motivate to score more but just about a week ago you were in your office beating your brains out, loosely speaking, attempting to improve your team. It’s bad enough that that went nowhere and in time it’ll more than likely STILL GO NOWHERE but do you have to run up the score with SAT analogies?

Let me see if I’m understanding you correctly


That might work but points can be differentiated but Gil’s hair could arguably be compared to The Blob movie in the ’50’s. Let’s try again


The analogy is an obvious dead-ringer but too verbose for an SAT test. The writers of Cliff Notes Guide to SAT Preparation would have a fit trying to cram that in their latest edition. Nope, better look elsewhere


Now THAT’S an analogy. Both can distributed singularly like points and grades, and the more you have of one, the more you have of the other. Mimi’s Direct Proportion passes with flying colors on this one.



It works, Gang. I wouldn’t be surprised that we get to the bottom of either one.



You old-timers know what I’m talking about. Dagwood is ringing out Blondie because she is spending way too much at some department store and the nameless blob of people are looking on in curiosity, bewilderment, consternation, interest, etc. But before the punchline delivers its punch, The Blob (not the same as Gil’s hair, The People Blob, mind you) is seen doing different things, making purchases, checking sizes of shirts and pants, hunching in some corner (“Dagwood, what is Mr. Dithers doing over by the drinking fountain?” “I Dunno, Blondie.”) , laughing and yukking it up with a fellow shopper, that sort of thing.

Congratulations, Phoebe and your cohort in P2, you are now part of Dagwood’s crowd. Yup, you are filling in space during Mimi’s Lifetime Lesson, sure to trickle down to your ears even as Mimi is lecturing. You might want to put down the beach ball and take some notes.

And this is my point. Usually, if a coach is in a one-on-one session with a player to emphasize a point, the OTHER players are involved in a shootaround or practicing free throws or doing a light jog before practice. Not too many high school practices include players with thumbs up their asses and Dagwooding it while the coach is exhorting another player to improve his or her game. It’s great you have your uniforms on but this is not a modeling show. The baskets are around somewhere in the gym. You’ll just have to look for them. I think I saw one by the Ski machine. They’ve been known to hide.


4:18PM. Bill Gannon and I stopped in to talk with Dr. Pearl. Safe to say the conversation was not going to be about her New Wave Granny hairdo. We wanted answers and we wanted them fast.

“We run an honest business around here. We would never stoop so low as to change a student’s transcript so that another student can get that student’s scholarship to MIT.”

“Look, Ma’am, we weren’t born yesterday. When a kid like Chris flunks Home Ec because he left Shake ‘n’ Bake in the oven too long, we get suspicious. He could have easily done a make-up assignment and cooked a batch of Zatarain’s Rice Pilaf.”

“The Home Ec teacher called in and could not shop at Milford 7-11 for emergency supplies.”

“That’s not our problem. I could nail you on Section 19, Article 57 ‘Engineering to Perpetrate Academic Alteration with Intent to Perform Bodily Harm’, but you have tenure and your wall is impregnable for the moment. But watch your back side, Dr. Pearl.”

“Let me assure you, academic integrity is our utmost concern at Milford High School.”

“Look, Dr. Pearl, Friday has a point. We’re not asking you to bare your soul for Mr. Schuring, so keep your gingham dress on. We just want things to be on the up-and-up so both Miss Watson and Mr. Schuring can stand on the podium and shake your hand when you confer their diplomas. Don’t send Mr. Schuring out to lunch for Bucket Crawdads while Miss Watson is graduating With Honors.”

“Chris will get the same treatment as Alexa, I’m committed to that concept.”

“And we’re committed to your keeping that commitment, Bucket Crawdads or no Bucket Crawdads.”

Somber music once again after Joe’s last zinger


P3-“Did you know your fly is open?”

Could also easily fit into Mimi’s balloon if that were left blank.


“We’ll return to the conclusion of Dragnet after these important messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”


“With January upon us, a lot of us got our wallets cleaned out from all that Christmas shopping. And if you live in the Skid Row subdivision behind the Milford High School Athletic Annex, buying The Good Life, when you can’t even afford foodstuffs, can be a hassle.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp speaking for Milford Beverage Warehouse. The good people at The Warehouse don’t want you to do without so they have started an exciting new program, the Name Your Price policy when buying liquor. It’s an innovative way of reaching out to the customer who cannot afford a 30-Pack of Drewry’s Dark because he has to pay off 2 court-ordered alimony payments. A man who couldn’t stay under the bed with another woman without a rolling pin bonking his head shouldn’t have to do without a cold one.

And check this out. You lucky dogs who sleep on the picnic tables at night at Milford State Park with nothing but an old Superman kiddie blanket are in for a treat. If you can pay $2.99 for Jim Beam Bourbon, The Warehouse will be more than happy to pour it an Erlenmeyer flask, duct-tape it, and send you out the door a free man.

And some of you lost your shirt at Milford Steamboat Casino and have to stay within a budget. No problemo. If you have $5.00, The Warehouse is only too glad to store Ecco Domani Pinot Grigio, the Wine of Champions, into large Styrofoam Dixie Cups. Shoot, they’ll even throw in a straw.

And did you get sued out the wazoo because your semi plowed into a station wagon and now you’re on a waiting list at Milford Shelter House? If you have $3.99, The Warehouse will supply you with your demand for Michelob Ultra, both cans with the extra-safe tab so kid can drink it and steal your joy. And if you have a coupon, you’ll get an extra can at no charge. Sounds like sensible Free Market Economics to me.

So come on, all you freeloaders out there. Don’t be afraid to go through the double doors and dictate your policy. You can go through the same line as guy with the Visa Gold and the 24-Pack of Natural Light and not be ashamed. You can even sign up for the Mystery Pack. For $10.00, you can get a whole bag of goodies to take back to your cot. I’m not allowed to say what’s in the bag this month but last month’s grab bag had some Oreos, 12-Pack Corona Extra, Mott’s Apple Juice, Tylenol in Liquid Tablets, Knob Creek Whiskey, 750 Milliliters, Brawny Quilted Bathroom Tissue, and some Roscato Wine. Boy, I’d like to be able to wipe my butt, then sip on a pint in the evening on my verandah when the sun goes down.

Get your butt on down here and do your own wiping and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.


It’s all yours, Gang. Time to down a Bud and sit on the bleachers and listen to Mimi’s words of wisdom. Life is good.




“Chris, dammit!!!!!!!!!! Look at your own answer sheet!!!!!!!!!!!! And I ain’t loanin’ pu another #2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Mimi the Proctor looks up from her “How to Win Friends and Influence Players” by Dale Carnegie III

“Do I have to separate you two?”


On January 14th, 2020, Jane Doe was found guilty in the Milford Superior Court of violation of State Law 102, Section 9, Article 15 “Wrongful Forgery of Academic Documentation and Illegal Pedagogical Enterprises in the Line of Educational Duty” whichbis punishable by a fine of not more than $60,000 and imprisonment for a minimum of 60 years but not exceeding 89 years.”

Jane Doe standing with blank background behind her, the graphics in front of her on the TV screen

Mrs. Doe is currently serving 71 years in the Milford Maximum Security Plot Prison.


January 9, 2020

Poppin’ The 3 With Both Skates On, That’s The Gil Thorp Method.

Filed under: basketball, Gil Thorp, Mimi Thorp, Steve Luhm's Ghost Mops These Floors — tdrewhardin @ 10:10 am


1 & 5

I’ve been waiting too long

Your mindset’s all wrong

Oh, 1 & 5

We need you


1 & 5

Can’t you shoot from outside

Make sure you don’t slide

Oh, 1 & 5

Shoot, shoot, shoot


I never thought of you a project

Thought you had game

I’ll never opine that way anymore


I hope you aren’t a reject

Gotta protect my fame

Hit from the arc, I implore


God, “99” from Toto just gives me a rush, always has.



See Gil teach

See Gil warn Spot not to lick out of the toilet

See Gil point towards the basket

The basket is our friend

You need to shake hands with it

See Chris learn

Chris shoots


See Slick go bananas

Chris dunks

What a handshake, Chris

Don’t slip on the ice

Dick and Jane consulted the rule book

You can hang on as long as you brace yourself

Windjammer Dominique Wilkins throwdown, Chris

Jane gives it a 9.5

Do that in the game, says Dick

Anyway, Gil and the rest of the gnomes are attempting to teach Chris Schuring how to negotiate on the ice while streaking down the court on a fast break. While those gnomes are under the bleachers taking a smoke break, well, Gil, I hate to break it to you, I mean, I know you’re busy preparing for Holiday on Ice and you’re instructing one of the crocodiles how not to slip and fall with the basketball when being defended by a hippo to the music of “Fantasia” but you have to have OTHER PLAYERS if you want to practice the 3-on-2 or 2-on-1 fast break. But it’s not too late. You can call other players out of class 20 minutes even if they may be in the middle of a test or giving a speech which is 50% of their grade. The teachers will understand.

As long as academics are given the same priority as the pork fritters in the cafeteria, well, if Chris is running the floor on the break and needs to learn to shoot when he’s wide open, well, there’s wide open when no one’s at the gym but you and your pet project but if we’re going to go ahead and practice as if there’s 9 other players within the lines, you can’t be wide open if nobody’s there. I’d twist Dr. Pearl’s arm a little harder next time. Make sure they’re dressed and ready to hit the hockey rink, er, basketball floor by the time the second lunch bell sounds. Hell, they can learn their trig tables some other time. We gotta learn to drive to the rack when the 2 in the 3-on-2 are scratching their vitals at the half-court line.


If ya wear duck boots cuz the last time ya shot a runnin’ 10-footer in the lane, ya slid and slammed inta the third official in the 3-man system even though he shoulda been trailin’ the play and not callin’ thangs from the free throw extended, ya might be a redneck.


While Tchaikovsky’s “Russian Dance-Trepak” is blaring from Dr. Pearl’s office into the gym (guess digital technology does wonders) ,


I agree, Coach, you skate the way you practice.

I still think practicing in the Grand Canyon won’t simulate playing with teammates or against the other 5 guys out there, but these are teachable moments and should be treasured for a lifetime. And hey, the other team might have to go potty while Chris is executing the break or is open from the corner. Any given day.


Heard one day at the Milford High School faculty lounge


“Man, somebody needs to fix their drill. It’s just grating my nerves while I’m eating McD’s Chicken Nuggets. What are they working on, drilling a hole to China in the chem lab?”

“Naw, I understand Gil is practicing David Paich’s piano lick from ’99’. Trying to spice up his comedy act at the Milford Comedy Club.”


1 & 5 (oooooo, ooooooo)

You’re not 14 anymore

Need to shoot the ball much more

So says my EKG clipboard

Oh, 1 & 5

I’m begging you


1 & 5 (ooooooo, ooooooo)

Tho the basket’s out of whack

The scoring’s on your back

Got to shoot or catch some flak

Oh, 1 & 5

On our knees for you


I never thought this would work out

Score on crooked rims

Don’t want to shoot there in the second half


I always thought that you’d pan out

Jordan is your sobriquet

Don’t think anyone will laugh

Oh, 1 & 5


And to think, the past 1-2 weeks we’ve been more concerned with Riemann’s Theorem than basketball, now suddenly, after calling the NBA Director of Scouting for more players, Mimi is going to try her hand at coaching. You know she’s serious when she buys a clipboard at Milford Apothecary along with the Drewry’s 24-Pack and her medicines. One-stop shopping wins championships every time.


At the Milford Comedy Club

“…what do I look like, Jeff Porcaro in that spaceman outfit while playing the drums?”

Dead silence

“Well, here’s another song from Toto. Let me get my Wurlitzer tuned. Anybody heard of ‘Africa’?”


Mimi, we appreciate your merry-go-round modus operandi but didn’t Milford WIN the last game? And speaking as a coach myself, sure, there’s always something to work on but acting as if one of the halfcourt’s one great big couch and you’re Mrs. Freud really isn’t going to wash. I just as soon hear Hank Snow perform Toto’s “Hold the Line” at the Grand Ole Opry.

“I blew the layup, Coach, because I suppressed my sexual libido. It happened watching Sesame Street. I had this thing for Bert and Ernie and didn’t know where to go with it. Affected my jump on the rebound.”


Because I’m a little unclear what “abjurement” means after reading the book on proper usage of English

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford High School Gym To Further Pursue Abjurement Of Ice For A Basketball Floor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Thorp: We’re goin’ parquetry like the Celtics. I want every Mudlark thinking like a champion. We’ve abjurred the head cases.”


And we head to P3 with more pschoanalysis. And I could take taking the lunatic out of the head if what was said had a logical trail to it. Okay, some kids do grow faster than their coordination will allow. But how that makes them defensive specialists is beyond my comprehension. When the quick-as-a-hiccup point guard found out that all Alexa Watson had to do was fall on her while the former was on a breakaway to the hoop, okay, I’ll swallow that but if that same point guard, after being treated with multiple concussions and contusions from one redwood tree too many falling on her, her coach might have gotten smart and told her to shoot OUTSIDE. Redwood trees taking Binary Functions in 3rd grade could only stretch so far.

Really, Thorpiverse, you have to have a sense of grace to match your growth spurt or they’ll run circles around you. Studying integrals can only provide so much defense, then you better move your feet, y’know, slide ’em when you’re guarding your man. The floor is slick enough.

Take it away, Gang. I’m helping with the videotape. Sometimes you can catch what you missed in the practice. Gil started taking showers after we noticed dandruff flaking on one taping.


“…what do you take me for, Zak Starkey as a part-time drummer for The Who?”

The jukebox, playing “Afternoon Delight” by Starland Vocal Band can be heard in the corner

“Ladies and Germs, Comedy is not the only talent in Coach Thorp’s repertoire. Here he is now to perform Toto’s ‘Rosanna’ on the trombone!!!!!!!!!!”



“…I never thought it would happen

Chris is not the same

Won’t bear this dumb plot anymooorrrree…”


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