This Week in Milford

September 25, 2020

I Thought Only Steve Luhm Handled the Mops in Milford

Hey everybody! Joan Rivers here for robmize. Can we talk?

Seriously, I don’t know what Rapson’s beef is here. The game plan with him under center is no different than the game plan with Thayer under center. What did he expect Gil to do, let him air it out and run up the score? The Mudlarks aren’t Steve Spurrier’s Florida Gators, fuhcripessake. It’s already been established that Milford’s gonna be The Chance and Charlie Show this fall.

Rapp’s probably upset that Gil wasn’t making eye contact with him when he was giving him his marching orders. Wearing mime makeup under your helmet is bound to be a bit disquieting to even the most stoic of coaches, Terry. Then again, he might’ve been taking Gil at his word a bit too literally and is miffed that Gil didn’t let him drive the Milford activity bus back from Oakwood. (Who drives that bus, anyway?)

Terry just needs to relax on the ride home and get ready to see his quarterbacking rival get shot down by Corina at The Bucket. What, you weren’t missing another strip of Corina being a jerk to everyone? Yeah, me neither.

metapost: Like robmize, I will actually be away this weekend too. Hoping Ned, tdrew or maybe even the sorely missed timbuys will step up and take my Saturday post. Okay? Okay!

September 23, 2020

And Awaaaay We Roh!

Filed under: actual action, football, hideous scar faces, metapost, Oakwood, shadow figures — teenchy @ 11:20 am

Bonfire’s out of the way, let’s get to footballin’.

Marty’s mom and dad have moved his crate out of the basement into the attic so he peer out the roof vent and down onto Milford. This better situates him to indulge his sportscaster fantasies. Marty always acts so shocked to see the Mudlarks line up in some offensive formation that fell out of favor decades ago. He should know by now that’s Gil’s fallback position when he lacks the horses (or confidence in the horses he has) to play the modern version of the game. All anyone who scouts Milford has to do is hit the library for some dusty old volume on how to defend against these archaic offenses and that’s all she wrote for the Mudlarks.

Gil starts the season with two runs up the gut from Charlie “Ruh” Roh, last year’s backup RB and wish fulfillment vehicle for Chet Ballard. Speaking of whom, where is old Chet these days? Holed up in the crate with Marty; nah, most likely living under his desk at the insurance agency. Back to the gridiron: have you ever seen a zebra signal a first down like that? Looks like he’s ready to snap off a Polish salute. It’s those quirky, not-quite-of-the-current-century details that keep we few coming back to Milford.

metapost: A moment of silence for the late Gale Sayers, whose most famous speech, as paraphrased by Billy Dee Williams, I shared with you all on that fateful day when True Standish learned of Boo Radley’s fate. If there’s a place beyond this one, I hope that Gale and Brian are back together again there.

September 19, 2020

Get Started, Start a Fire

Filed under: Bonfire!, exposition comics, football, Milford Weirdos, Oakwood, Volleyball — teenchy @ 1:02 pm

A bit of revisionist history to start today’s strip. Bonfires before the football season opener are a Milford tradition except when they’re not. As for that “clobbering,” a 14-7 win is hardly Ben Grimm worthy, and there have been years when Oakwood has beaten Milford, most recently in 2018 when Tod Andrews sneakily called time out to negate a blocked field goal. There hasn’t been a Mudlark blowout of the Owls in some time, at least not since 2014. (This is where I place a call to the Milford SID to confirm; billy, you there?)

Good call on Corina’s part, pointing out how girls’ sports take a back seat in Milford. Fight the patriarchy, girl!

Looks like the student body is gonna sacrifice those two dueling dipshits at quarterback to ensure a Mudlark victory. Why else would they be atop some wooden scaffolding? To scope out girls, of course. Which girls? Not Becca Ramirez, she’s old news. What about that little fire hydrant shaped girl? She’s new around here. Let’s see those two losers start another competition – this time, for Corina. Then the sparks should fly.

September 16, 2020

Punctuation Is Important

Filed under: football, Gil Thorp, Marjie Ducey, Oakwood — teenchy @ 1:00 pm

“Charlie, how does it feel knowing you’re gonna get more touches without your stepfather’s involvement?”

“Gee, Miss Ducey, I hadn’t thought of it that way. Not since my mom sent Chet to live in the garage and I stole his credit card – oops, did I say that last part out loud?”

“Never mind. Chance was the starter last season; do you feel like you’re pushing him?”

“I would never push Chance, Miss Ducey. Haven’t you ever seen him get blowtop mad?”

Okay, so we get the picture that both of Gil’s quarterback options kinda suck and that he’s just gonna use them as game managers while the two-headed Charlie/Chance hydra tries to pound the ball down the Valley’s collective throats. But who’s gonna start at game manager in the season opener?

That all depends on how you interpret Gil’s little speech. How long of a pause did he take after saying “wondering”?

Then again Gil’s old school no I doubt there’s any upward inflection on his part. No, it’s gonna be the Thayer kid who starts against Oakwood. Thayer or Rapson, either way I don’t think it’ll take Tod Andrews long to figure out Gil’s little game plan.

September 12, 2020

Corina and the Angry Three Inches

Filed under: anatomically implausible, Mimi Thorp, shadow figures, Volleyball — teenchy @ 6:03 pm

I have been compared to several people over the course of my life. When I played baseball I was referred to as “a white Kirby Puckett,” more for my physical dimensions than my batting prowess. On more than one occasion in Philadelphia, I was mistaken for a former Attorney General of Pennsylvania. At a fundraiser for the National Ataxia Foundation and the Bob Allison Ataxia Research Center many years ago, I was mistaken for a certain actor by a couple of drunken attendees and pestered to the point that I signed the actor’s name on a couple of napkins to get them to leave me alone. Until yesterday, however, never have I been compared to Joan Rivers. I was beginning to think of myself as TWIM‘s version of Edwin Jackson – an innings eater. But, okay, fine. If I’m ever half as good at anything as Joan was at comedy, then I will have done well.

On to today’s strip. It wasn’t enough for Rubin to give Corina authority issues; she had to be a general jerk to everyone around her as well. Now we can add “wants to be violent towards people” to her psychological profile. She may also suffer from penis envy a Napoleon complex as she wishes she had Becca’s three additional inches to better inflict harm on her opponents.

I do appreciate the little difference of opinion between Becca and Susan on Corina; hopefully Becca’s take is a sign that Corina’s shtick is getting old. I also appreciate the contortions Mimi’s elbows have to go through to get her forearms parallel to her shirt placket and her palms up at collarbone level.

September 9, 2020

Spirits Among Us

Filed under: football, Gil Thorp, Marty Moon, Milford Idiots — teenchy @ 10:09 am

Oh look who’s finally popped his head in at Milford High. Where the hell was Marty when all that ridiculousness was going down in Milford last spring? Drying out in rehab somewhere? You just know he would have run with that whole “the mayor” situation like a kid with a pair of scissors. Either he would’ve been anti-zero-tolerance and given Gil hell for not sticking up for Mike Knappe or pro-zero-tolerance and given Gil hell for not drilling the zero-tolerance message into Mike before the butter knife incident. He would’ve had a field day with the Milford v. Valley Modified “scrimmage,” too – how it made a mockery of high school sports, exposing the Mudlarks to potential injury in a game that didn’t count; how it mocked, patronized and denigrated the Valley Mod kids all at once; and how it was even allowed to be scheduled in the first place. Finally he would’ve had something to say about the Knappe kid getting his admission revoked by State and magically reinstated via Thorpian sleight-of-hand.

Instead Marty now shows up in time for Mouseketeer Roll Call and one step ahead of Marjie Ducey, who must’ve clued him in about those freebie sloppy joes that get handed out during the preseason. He’s used his keen powers of observation to deduce that there’s a competition at quarterback between two guys who (as astute TWIMer Jive Turkey observed this past weekend) would probably get fragged if they were military officers in combat. Marty and Gil share a Milky Way bar an interest in getting blitzed themselves, hence their mutual dropping of the code word “spirited*” in conversation. After practice, they’ll go their separate ways to tie one on: Gil to the MCC or home to the company of Mimi, Marty to the end of the bar at Barney’s Pub or back home, in either case alone.

* It came to my attention after composing this post that the title, which I thought was a common phrase, is also the title of a movie, the plot of which is best described as “Christian paranormal thriller.”

September 5, 2020

They Might Be Quarterbacks

Filed under: Coach Kaz, football, freak hands, hideous scar faces, Neal's friends — teenchy @ 8:31 pm

Back to football and a pending transition to Mouseketeer Roll Call. Kaz practices his Carol Burnett Tarzan yell tells the guys to wrap it up with some cals. Back in my day we started practice with cals to loosen up, then ended it with wind sprints or a couple laps around the field. Then again we also had salt tablets and Gatorade was just a new fad, so what do I know?

Will Thayer is “an experienced criminal defense and family law attorney at Momkus LLC.” Charlie Rapson is a New Zealand schoolboy athlete, or a one-shot British actor. Here in Milford they are both gym rats, or one-uppers, or one-upper gym rats. Their jersey numbers suggest they might be quarterbacks, so we might be in for a competition a la Jarrod Hale and True Standish, only closer. Enough speculation; hope you TWIMers enjoy the rest of your Labor Day weekend.

September 4, 2020

I’m Coming Out, So You Better Get The Perky Started

Hey y’all, it’s your old pal teenchy, subbing for Rob tonight. Have we ever had a dedicated volleyball arc? The closest we’ve come during my tenure here was last spring when one of Mimi’s softball players, Linda Carr, got burnt out on playing for the Valley Elites while not being TCFS so she quit the Valley Elites but went off to college to play volleyball anyway. Valerie Okumbe was a player (and rejector of infamous locker denizen Jamar Gaddis) for Milford (not the Valley Elites) in 2009, but she was never actually shown playing volleyball. I defer to our TWIM statisticians for additional background.

So we may finally get a bit of a fall girls’ sports angle, if only to showcase new resident jerkface Corina Karenna. Frizzy-haired girl Becca (who gets a Pantheon of Hair tag from me) asks an innocent question and gets called “perky” for it. Dark-haired girl Susan drops a hint that she won’t let Corina off quite so easily, even as Corina flips her a comeback (and the bird) as she strides off down the hall. Here’s hoping some of Mimi’s “bigs” tape Corina to a locker, Jamar Gaddis-style.

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