This Week in Milford

October 15, 2019

Disappearing Into The Science Fiction Time Loop

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The notion that Charlie would vaguely remember a kid in another second grade class who transferred the next year nearly ten years later when the kid transferred back into the district strains credulity. These oblique and dilatory plot setups are easily the most frustrating part of reading this strip. Don’t show, don’t tell, only vaguely and irregularly allude to is one sort of storytelling structure I suppose. That this is all centered around a brand new character when the whole Tiki Jansen fiasco would’ve served the dramatic purposes of the current arc is all the more frustrating.

Frankly, Chet’s suggestion is more interesting than whatever desultory denouement we are likely to be treated to at the truncated termination of this Fall’s football foofaraw.

Bonus point: That the leaves are still falling while Chet and Charlie are clearly done raking for the day.

Minus point: Of the Milford villains we’ve been exposed to in the thirteen (!) years this blog has been running, Chet is easily the least interesting. I welcome the commenters to prove me wrong should any of you be so motivated.

October 10, 2019

I Never Get Blowtop Mad On The First Date.

Filed under: ?, football, Just plain sad, Pissy faced minor character, shadow figures, Tilden — tdrewhardin @ 7:21 am

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Chet and Charlie discuss the game with Chet at full speed singing the praises of Charlie’s game. Charlie takes the high road, thinking of the TEAM first. Don’t that beat all.

Gang, let me first off announce that those of you with kids who play sports or are thinking of playing sports, your career, win, lose, or draw, will go a lot smoother and happier if you encourage your son or daughter to put the TEAM first. He or she will be on more teams that way. You’ve helped your chances anyway.

When I was encouraging my nephew, the Chet’s of this world were the loneliest creatures on the planet. They were in a lawn chair or in the bleachers all by themselves. They were the ones who talked about how their son scored 45 points and the coach sat him on the bench. What Chet WON’T tell you is the team lost, his son allowed his man to torch him for 47 points, and he blew the lay-up that would have won the game. Chet has selective memory.

THEREFORE, don’t do what Chet is doing in P1, in other words. Chet is myopic in relation to Milford Mudlark football. Did he bring his Texas Instrument TI-30 calculator when he computed the average? I don’t know if that one has a slide rule or a metric equivalent. I’m curious to see what his yards per carry efficiency on 3rd downs was in meters. And does it have a graphing function. Chet, you better double-check to see if his stock is rising, literally. If it stalls right about when the linear function crosses the y-graph, I’d worry. Coach might bench him. The first-stringers are always in the first quadrant.

Really, where DID Chet get that info? Okay, the calculator but did he slip a steno pad past the turnstiles and after he put all his coins and handgun in the tray so the metal detector wouldn’t play the Mudlark Fight Song? Chet, as long as you were going to write facts and figures on your pad, write down another figure, when you think of it, of course: The final score.

I understand steno pads at Office Supply sell briskly on that concept.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Leads Milford Parks & Recreation Adult Flag Football League In Yards Per Catch Clutch Efficiency On Second Down With A 5.4 Greatest Common Factor!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“It woulda been higher but some safety ripped my shorts off when he grabbed the flag so they called back my TD run.”

 

Ok, kiddies, we have a special nursery rhyme that beats “3 Blind Mice” and “Jack and Jill” the way Tilden beat Milford, sneak up on you then have a sense of urgency when the script forgot to print the score up until the last 30 seconds

Chet and Charlie

Rode on their Harley

To practice at the football field

 

Gil wasn’t coaching

Kaz went poaching

Chet’s beard had lost its appeal

 

So did his overbearing demeanor but I couldn’t fit that in the nursery rhyme and couldn’t find something that rhymes with “Step-parent needs to get a life.”

 

And don’t get me wrong. Your kid has to have fun and has to enjoy the sport and that has to be the #1 priority. If you win, that goes at the bottom of the list. Sure, losing sucks and winning IS a priority but a BOTTOM priority.

That said, avoid clubhouse lawyers like Chet. Believe me, if your kid is in involved in sports, you’ll run into them. One reason why I think “Ball Four” by Jim Bouton is a waste of time is that he spends a lot of time talking about his individual performance and not about the TEAM performance. Check out the appendix in the back. It is nothing but Jim statistics which is understandable but they’re slanted so that everything’s about Jim and NOT the team. I give every book a chance. This book blew its own because if you want the TEAM to win, you really can’t have the mindset of this book. And Pete Rose, BTW, was not always popular, being a fierce competitor will do that. And a fierce competitor wouldn’t be taking greenies as alleged in the book. I don’t blame ya, Pete, for being upset.

Anyway, encourage your kid to be a TEAM player along with having fun. You might be surprised how many teams he or she makes.

 

I was fascinated by a town in Greece I read about that has survived well before the BC era to the present. Knowing that Agrippina, a public speaker in the 5th century BC who edited Pindaric odes and Aeschylus’ memoirs, came from the same town as members of Buffalo Springfield (or the equivalent, I forgot which)

Yesterday’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Remains Of Thorpolos And His Playbook, Not To Mention His Exegesis On Plato’s Rough Draft Of ‘The Republic’, Discovered While Milford Toyota Plant Works On Prius Expansion!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford breaks record for differential between 4 B.C., the confirmed birth of Thorpolos, according to the Anthropology Department at Milford CC, and the birth of Gil at 1958. Previous record was Dr. Pearl’s great-aunt born during the Second Crusade.”

 

Nice to see Charlie Roh doing his best Lyle Lovett impersonation. And Lyle is really the one who is the voice of reason in the present discussion. I always admired (and still do) players who take responsibility for the loss because when you lose, you ALWAYS look inward. It doesn’t do any good to play the blame game at anyone else. In sports, GOOD drives out BAD (believe me) and if you’re winning, politics does not play an overriding factor. Sure, a player’s parent may hate your guts because you’re a Cub fan (couldn’t resist, Robmize) but if people want to win, the politics are normally kept to a minimum.

Okay, that out of the way, Lyle is, take your pick,  transmogrifying into the pupal stages of The Incredible Hulk, is beset with a bad case of zits from all those Snickers he snarfed before the game, or this is a continuation of the Night Gallery segment, “Caterpillar”, and the eggs have escaped the sufferer’s ear and are currently crawling all over his face. Now some of you faint-hearted wussies are steering the easy way out by saying that Charlie, or Lyle in disguise at the Grand Ole Opry, is sweating. C’mon, in THORPIVERSE??? When was the last time sweat actually looked like sweat or they drew those players in the background so we’re not engaged in another episode of “Creature from the Black Lagoon? I bet once those shadowy lizards remove their helmets, they’ll be afflicted with baby caterpillars on their faces too.

And you can’t cheat and say that that’s Minnie Pearl with Milford Cold Cream all over her face to remove the creeping warts that are engaged in a parasite-host relationship. Charlie’s a guy, remember?

 

Chet fed Charlie

A whole lotta barley

To boost his running game

 

Charlie met trouble

When he farted in bubbles

Now his bowels won’t be the same

 

Now we get to the clinical portion of the strip. Grandpa (we think) Macy is trying to imitate Dr. Phil by spouting out terms he learned the other day watching the show while dipping his Milford IGA Restaurant Chips into the IGA Tostitos Salsa Dip.

What the Hell does he mean by “situationally mad”? “Blowtop mad”? Like us readers are supposed to know the difference. Sure, Grandpa, if Chance racks the guy’s nuts, it was because he was situationally mad because the situation, as in baseball, called for the aforementioned action because the Tilden jerk called Chance’s mom all kinds of names, unprintable on this Christian website. If the Tilden jerk said something about Gil’s mom and said she raised him to be an incompetent coach who couldn’t find the end zone even with a AAA Travelogue, well, it’s probably true but THAT’S when you get blowtop mad and blow the Tilden player’s head off with a bazooka. Gotta stick together against the enemy.

Gang, aren’t you getting situationally mad at the one-size-fits-all artwork in relation to Grandma Macy (don’t hold your breath on that one) ? The other day she was Mary Tyler Moore who was married to Rob Petrie. He couldn’t trip over the ottoman because Gil was desperate and had to use it as a blocking dummy. School budget cutbacks, y’know. Anyway, MTM got her glasses courtesy of the Buy One Get The Second One 1/2 Price (Canadian dollars accepted) . Today, she’s the female member of Fairport Convention. Yeah, groovy,  man, #53 is way out, like in Mudlarkland. A real square. Don’t let him upset you, Chance. Instant karma will run his ass over. Just look what that semi did to Booby’s friend. Booby got his.

And I think it is the neatest trick in the book for Grandpa Jones/Walton/Macy to throw his voice and let his forehead to do all the talking. The Tilden Jerk couldn’t do that out of his butt and not use Charmin. Pity.

 

If ya git pig doo-doo all over yore face cuz ya won first prize at the Hog-Callin’ portion of the Milford County Fair Pig Exhibit Expo ’19 cuz yore voice proved ta be a little too irresistable ta Miz Piggy and the rest of her Yorkshire clan, ya might be a redneck.

 

“My God, Fred!!!!!!!!!!!! Aunt Ethyl’s got a spheroid lodged in her skull!!!!!!!!! And who’s that giant out there walking off with Uncle Morton in his casket?”

“Hell with Uncle Morton!!!!!!!!! He owed me money anyway!!!!!!!!! Call The Shark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Folks, it was a Nightmare on Elm Street until I called The Shark. Then It Was a Wonderful Life. George Bailey had real money coming in and he didn’t have to rely on angels or the Milford Civitan Club to wheel it in. We could lower our aunt and uncle 6 feet under, knowing we had money in our pockets. Joe even paid for the funeral programs at Milford Funeral Solutions. What a swell guy.”

“You heard it from Fred Snerdley. When creepy people who should not be ordering Bucket Shish Kabob from the menu, let alone walking the streets of Milford toting Gil’s grandfather, it is time to act. Tall Man may have thrown one spheroid missile too many at the Tilden Jerk, but decent people like Fred Snerdley need to be justly compensated when the Tall Man barges in on the Nude Swimming Party. Granted, Aunt Ethyl looked unsightly in her birthday suit.  What 93-year-old doesn’t? She still should have been spared the weaponry and I proved that by fighting the insurance companies when Mr. Snerdley made a claim. And the Tall Man will have to loosen his checkbook to the tune of $4, 739, 023, 912. If he can afford to carry corpses around, he’s got the money.”

“I was able to fix the cracks in the pool and clean the blood stains on the diving board. And I can put away some for my grandkids to attend Milford Community College. My grandson wants to be a sanitation engineer. The rest I put in escrow. Thanks, Shark.”

“Sounds like a happy ending to me. Get your own Flintstones happy ending, where that tuba is really blaring, and call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. Insurance companies are hard at work hauling caskets on the Santa Fe Trail. Don’t let them beat you to Oklahoma. Get the money you deserve so you can play “Home on the Range” on your tuba in the evening. You’ll be glad you did.

 

Time to go to work, Gang. If you need me, I’ll be at the Grand Ole Opry. I want to get there early so I can get a front row seat for the Lyle Lovett concert. I understand Gil is the opening act. I thought his comedy died the way Aunt Ethyl did. Guess not.

 

Chet lectured Charlie

His hair was Bob Marley

But, Chet, my running 4 TD’s settled all bets

 

Better stay humble

You coughed up 2 fumbles

And DAMMIT QUIT CALLING ME CHET

 

At The Bucket drive-in area

“May I (swoooooshhhh) take your (swiiiiiiiiiiishhhhhhh) order?”

CRACKLE

“Uh, yeah, I’ll have the Bucket Triple Cheeseburger, no onions or pickles, an order of fries, and-what do you want?-she’ll have the Bucket Pork Rib Sandwich, extra cayenne, and a Tub o’ Bucket Buffalo Fries-)

“(swwwwoooooooshhhh, crackle crackle) Ya want somethin’ ta drink (swiiiiiiiiiiiisssshhhhhh) ?

CRACKLE

“Yeah, give us-

SCREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM

“What’s WRONG”

“What is Coach Thorp doing, climbing out of your trunk!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“No idea. Oh, hey, Coach. Sorry about that clipping. Coach Kaz will work on it tomorr-

BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

September 19, 2019

Seeing Chance Macy

Filed under: ?, Milford Idiots, Milford Weirdos, What the hell is going on here? — timbuys @ 9:51 am

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Chet and the only other party attendee willing to talk to him other than Chet’s wife are both creeps.

Panel 3 is amazing in so many ways, from the off-center lampshade to the multi-surface flooring right down to Chance’s socks, the details all count for so much and yet convey so little.

As is so often the case, we are left to simply ask What The Hell Is Going On Here?

July 9, 2019

Meanwhile, Back At The Ranch.

Filed under: ?, Milford Weirdos — tdrewhardin @ 6:06 am

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Oh, look. Family time at the Jansen household. Time to kick back, enjoy the Gerber Crushed Carrot Cake Mush Souffle Mama Jansen concocted and set out in one of the bowls. You sure she didn’t get Lassie’s bowl confused with the Turnip Surprise, well, never mind.

And before we go any further, don’t you get this sickly feeling that The Jetsons, er, Jansens(I was wondering why we didn’t see a space vehicle parked in the living room) is just a way to take up space in the next 2 months until The Football Chronicles returns for its 61st season in September? Better hurry and get your tickets before theater prices increase.

As a few TWIMers have mentioned, wasn’t this already said and done? Yes, Tiki could stay even though he was a legal resident in another city. As long as he had a venue to lay his head at night and didn’t languish in Hooverville, he could stay in Rockville. He didn’t have to worry about going back to Rockville cuz he was already there.

But that’s when Thorpiverse and the Milford School Board knocked heads on this one (not literally, though I wonder) and decided that the golf plot had run its course. So they rummaged the phone book for any more plot characters and once they hit a snag at Milford Pest Control (Where Termites and Golf Are a Dead Issue) and Mudlark Swimming Pool Supply, they said “What the heck, the Jansens weren’t going to Disney World or the Grand Canyon or anywhere else on vacation, why don’t we tear up that agreement we had with them and throw it in the fireplace at the Milford Moose Lodge and create another living nightmare worth 2 months of Bates Motel drama? We can kill off Norman Bates at the end of the summer by Tiki shooting him with a BB gun in self-defense and dumping his body in Mudlark Lake. It oughta sink to the bottom by the time Tiki turns in his physical for football. Then we won’t have to worry about extricating ourselves from another messy, convoluted golf plot. Just make sure you pass enough $20 bills under the table to the School Board at the meeting, Thorpiverse. The sooner the School Board can fire off that railroad job of a letter to the Jansens, the better. And you don’t want to cut into the 2 months that is getting shorter even as I text. Hurry before the mailman arrives.

And it’s time to play NAME THAT BOWL!!!!!!!!! And now, here’s your host WINK!!!!!!!!!!!!! MARTINDALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KING OF THE GAME-SHOW-BEFORE-COSBY-HOUR-APPEARS-AT-8:00PM(OR 7:00PM, CENTRAL STANDARD TIME)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now the bowl in the middle has to be some creature Dr. Spock speared on some planet in the constellation Orion. Those are the leftovers. And the one at the far end where the Invisible Man is seated is more than likely the azalea bush Mama Jansen yanked out of the ground with the backhoe and after offering the table d’hote to Mr. Ed, it became a part of the Public Domain. Surely someone has a rapaciousness for true organic cuisine. And you didn’t need to spray it down with DDT, Mama Jansen kept it in the oven at 475 degrees and, Hell, set it and forget it. It’ll get debugged the old-fashioned way.

Then there’s the mystery bowl. This could range from a huge porcelain container of Spaghetti O’s (how many cans did Mama Jansen buy at Milford Kroger? 10 for 10?) to a Betty Crocker Bundt Coffee Cake. Yup, better keep a lid on the latter. You be bitchin’ about the Milford School Board makin’ Tiki finally pay up all his parking fines in the Student Section at Milford High School or he’ll be takin’ the next train out of Rockville, through Petticoat Junction all the way back to his original residence in New Thayer and next thing you know, the Duncan Hines Coconut Supreme White Chocolate Torte got stale. Okay, Papa Jansen, you’re gonna call Hadley Ventura for a possible lawsuit (really, isn’t this script just writing itself? Is this how Mr. Ed got on the air?) but, damn it, put the lid back on the bowl when you’re done scooping your 3rd helping of Chef Boy-ar-Dee Mini Ravioli.

“Willllllbbbuurrr, would you paassssssss that bowl of tater tottttttttttttssssssssss?”

“Ed, you know that’s not in the script. The producer will get mad.”

“Neither is Coach Thhhooooooorrrppppppp coming overrrrrrrrr after Mimiiiiiiiiiiii burneddddddd the hard-boilllllleedddddd eggggssssssssss but sometimmmeesssssss ya gotta immpppppprrrrrrroooooooovise.”

Then there’s the bowl arrangement

I think this was the French Defense Opening employed by Jose Capablanca against Paul Morphy in an International Chess Federation-sanctioned match, before they went to the number system to indicate moves (e.g., k-e2, b(c1)-f4ch, etc.) . No, don’t even go there, Gang. Nothing to do with Bobby Fischer. He always started out P-K4 (p-e4, if you want to be iconclastic) . Notice the bowl of jimson weeds in the way. Unless that’s his opponent, then his opponent can always go en passant if Bobby dares move his bowl of hash browns 2 spaces but I think his opponent is contemplating bowl of Rice Krispies-KB6ch, K-E2, bowl of Stove Top Stuffing-E6mate. I read that pinning combination in one of Irving Chernev’s books. Or maybe it was Bruce Pandolfini.

Come to think of it, Capablanca might be using an  Indian Opening Variation. I just wish the Invisible Man would return from the bathroom. How long has he been in there? Is he that constipated? Chickweed will do that, I reckon.

And then we come to the part where we discuss Tiki’s hair. A Rug Rat variation replete with a skunk’s hide and a poor excuse for dreadlocks (E for effort, Tiki) hanging from it is about as tacky as Rug Rats was. Oh, I loved the cartoon but let’s not confuse it with “Wait ’til Your Father Gets Home.”

“Irma, do you realize how much it’s going to cost to move back to New Thayer?”

“Oh, Harry, we’ll manage. We’re cartoon veterans. We’ve seen worse strips in Buzz Sawyer. Remember when he found out that Roscoe Sweeney had come out of the closet?”

“I don’t blame you, Harry Boyle. I heard there’s more Commie spies per capita on any typical block in New Thayer than the whole city of Milford. You gotta watch ’em. Me and my vigilante group spotted an Iron & Sickle on a Slushee machine at a New Thayer 7-11 when we stopped to get gas.”

“Ralph, you keep out of this. Go give Coach Thorp pointers on his golf game. I heard Stalin was his caddy.”

 

If ya dump deer meat gizzards on the chinet paper plate cuz ya don’t want ta ruin good deer meat that ya shot in yore back yard by dumpin’ the contents in a Louis XIV porcelain bowl that ya bought at a yard sale last week and ya’d ruther suffer from Chinet breath, ya might be a redneck.

Oh, damn, I forgot about the OXO cups on the table. Definite Sicilian Defense, fer sure.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Defeated At Milford Chess Open By Invisible Man!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“”That dude employs the Caro Kann Defense and I fall for it everytime. Karpov killed me  at the Oakwood All-Comers Invitational.

 

Lordy, then there’s P2. Somebody needs to instruct Thorpiverse on the proper technique for hair coloring and/or light and shadow. Papa Jansen is passable, Ward Cleaver misapplying Grecian Formula at worst but, damn, you sure Tiki didn’t spill the bowl of Spaghetti O’s on his head? Thank we’ll probably never know as I didn’t see the colorized version. Groty to the max. There’s only so much I can take from a character who’s regurgitating the past but if he shows up in the hallways at Milford High School, he runs the risk of being stuck with the sobriquet Oreo Head.

And what could be causing Oreo Head to deserve this dubious appellation? Surely there’s not a strobe light flickering by the Stove Top Chicken Stroganof bowl or the chinet platter full of celery w/pimento cheese.

“Hey, you got pimento cheese in my cookies!!!!!!!!”

“And you got cookies in my pimento cheese!!!!!!!!!!

And to think.

 

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Quick!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call 1-FON-THE-JAWS!!!!!!!!!! Then call 9-1-1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Somebody just got decapitated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“When accidents happen, isn’t it nice to have piece of mind when you call The Shark? Hi, I’m Joe Sharkey and I make sure people get the money they deserve.”

“I was in The Bucket drive-thru ordering a Bucket Chimichanga when a drunk driver slammed into us from behind, thinking he was at the Milford Beverage Warehouse and hoping to make it before it closed.

Thank God for The Shark. I got my head sewn back on, I got my back pay and lost wages from lost time at work. The drunk driver’s lawyer even picked up the tab on the Bucket Chimichanga which splatted all over the glove box. And he made sure I got mild sauce instead of the fire brand sauce to pour all over my replacement Chimichanga. Thanks, Shark.”

“You heard it from my clients. Insurance companies are working hard and past the time The Bucket closes to present a winning case. Don’t let them cheat you out of the money you deserve. Call The Shark today!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

The Baxendales are going conservative here. Definite Ruy Lopez. And they kept all the pawns covered. Let’s not let the Crock Pot of Sara Lee Apple Cobbler get cold while we’re discussing our options on the remaining years in the NBA. Talking about free agency and one of the teams whose offer intrigues you over a pot of lukewarm Fazoli’s fettucini that you got cuz The Bucket was out of it just doesn’t wash in the scheme of things.

And who knows what Morthead will do? The Bulls would be a good choice. He could hope they draft another Pippen and they can start their own 3-peat or 4-peat, etc. People with that intimidating Bull on their caps and “I Like Morthead” on their shirts, no wonder why Mr. Baxendale broaches the subject. Over Boone’s Farm Premium, no less. Oh, BTW, pass the Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls, Mr. Baxendale. And you might want to be careful leaving that platter of Oscar Meyer Fried Bologna exposed to the rook. No sense in getting smothered mate by one of the Boone’s Farm glasses.

Gang, I don’t know about you but that frickin’ quill that Thomas Jefferson used to sign at the signing of the Declaration of Independence just looks bad on Hadley Venison’s head. As long as we’re going to throw around NBA Lingo like Jerry Lawler used to throw Freezer Thompson around in the ring, can Hadley Venom give VO5 a try?

And whattup with the discussion of the NBA? I don’t think Air Jordan is showing up at the Baxendales next week for scones and tea. Steve Kerr does not have one of his vehicles parked in their garage. Luc Longley does not call long distance from Australia asking Hadley Vermouth how it went at the orthodontist. Nice try, Thorpiverse. This is just a diversion until we get to the real meat of the issue, Hadley Verkampfen battling Clarence Darrow at the Milford Municipal Court over where to attend school.

 

“Mr. Darrow, he should be able to teach evolutuion at Milford too!!!!!!!!!!!’

I’m sensing an oncoming Battle Royale.

 

Comment away, Gang. I think I can checkmate Mr. Baxendale once I queen my Paul Newman’s Ranch Dressing bottle. The King is dead.

 

“Hey Oreo Head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You got Star-Kist Tuna in my Chips Ahoy!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Sorry, Charlie, but only the finest tuna-chocolate ship goulash gets to be Star-Kist.”

Managed to kill 2 birds with one stone. God, I’m good.

 

 

“Harry, you think Hadley Vladimir Ilyich Lenin will ever marry Jaquan? Because you just don’t mix the Commies with Old Glory. Huh?”

“No!!!!”

“Huh?”

“No!!!!!”

“Huh?”

“NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Look, Ralph, Jaquan is doing it the old-fashioned way. He’s earning a good living as a basketball player and is in a position to get married financially. Sounds like the American Way to me.”

“I don’t know, Harry, that Bull on his cap looks too much like Pancho Villa to me. He wins an NBA ring then the next thing you know he and Trotsky lead a revolution right into downtown Chicago. It’s only a matter of time before all the NBA cities come tumbling down. Then Milford High School starts adding The Little Red Book to its curriculum.”

“Oh, Ralph, you come up with the wildest ideas.”

“Just doing my patriotic duty to protect this country from Mao and all his family.”

June 25, 2019

We Didn’t Expect The Spanish Inquisition.

Filed under: ?, Gil Thorp, Mimi Thorp, What the hell is going on here? — tdrewhardin @ 7:09 am

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On the verandah one fine lazy summer day at the Thorps

“Mimi, one of the workers at the Milford Salt Mines went up and wet himself and caught pleurisy.”

Mimi puts down her Country Time Gooseberry Lemonade on the tray

“Say what?”

“ONE of the workers at the Milford Salt Mines went up and wet himself and caught pleurisy.”

“Let me get a Q-tip out of my purse and clean that little bit of wax stuck in my Eustachian tube. There, that’s better. Now, come again?”

“One of the damn workers at the Milford Salt Mines went up and peed all over himself and CAUGHT PLEURISY.”

“What in the world does THAT mean?”

“Hell if I know, Mimi. Damn, woman, you ask too many questions. All I said was some goddam plebe at the Milford Salt Mines who’s probably a scab went up, peed all over his Levi’s and CAUGHT PLEURISY. Lordy, I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition.”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMMMMM

3 gentlemen in priestly garb with gilded roods and somber capuchins jump out of the Smokemaster

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION

“Gil, I think you better call the Smokemaster Man. I knew when that grill was leaking grease there’d be trouble.”

“Our chief weapons are fear, the element of surprise, ruthless efficiency and wearing a Lady Mudlark softball uniform, oh shit, let’s start over.”

Back in the Smokemaster

“Gil, did you hear this news on WDIG? You know how sleazy their journalism is.”

“Damn, Mimi, I got it straight from Marty at the Milford Lounge. I didn’t expect a Spanish Inquisition.”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMM

Same gentlemen jump out of Smokemaster with grill stains all over their robes

“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!!!!!Our chief weapons are fear, the element of surprise, ruthless efficiency, and a fanatical devotion to Marty Moon’s broadcasting style, oh buggers, mate, Gil, can we try this one more time?”

“Hurry, the burgers are about to coal black on us.”

Back inside the Smokemaster

“Gil, sometimes you just don’t come through.”

“Hell, Tori, I’m not God. I just read about the salt mines on p.7 of the Milford Enquirer. HERE, RIGHT HERE next to the Milford Adult Shoppe ad. Geez, I didn’t expect a Spanish Inquisition!!!!!!”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMM

3 gentlemen et al only this time a burnt offering a/k/a overdone Oscar Meyer Wiener is transfixed on one of the roods

“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!!!!!!! Our chief weapons are fear, element of surprise, ruthless efficiency, and a fanatical devotion to the Pope. There, I got it right!!!!!!!”

Gil, impatient

“GET TO THE POINT!!!!!!!!!! My brats that you stepped on getting out of the grill are becoming the cafeteria food at the high school!!!!!!!!!!”

“HAH, Coach. We shall more than speed things up!!!!!!!!!!! Cardinal Cardano, read the charges!!!!!!!!!!!”

“You are hearby charged with heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and excessive criticism of Marty’s commentary during the Lady Mudlark Softball Tournament.”

“Thank you, Cardinal. Now Mimi, how do you plead?”

INNOCENT

“HAH!!!!!!!!!!! We shall soon change your tune!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cardinal Richelieu, fetch the bungee cord and tie her to…..the SMOKEMASTER GRILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Gentlemen, I have tunaburgers just laid on the grill..”

“HAH!!!!!!!!!!! Too late, Coach!!!!!!!!!! That’s right, get the bungee cord and do your duty, Cardinal Richelieu!!!!!!!!!!”

“Can I brush on some more Heinz 57 on the tunaburgers before you…”

“HAH!!!!!!!! Too late, Co—–, er, well, we haven’t had a bite since we left New Thayer from our Reign of Terror there, just slip us a burger in our robes and I won’t tell anyone.”

“Got it. You want McCormick’s Oregano on it.”

“Why not?”

15 minutes later.

NO YOU IDIOT YOU TIED HER TO THE HANDLE THAT TUGS THE GRILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

One thing we don’t know for certain in P1 is who is in the car talking. We don’t think it IS the Spanish Inquisition, leastwise I can’t picture those 3 hooded gentlemen talking about the Inquisition in that inconclusive, vague context. Awkward? The Spanish Inqusition?

“Luhm, you’re going to have to rewax the gym floor. It doesn’t look like you even put a mop to it. The free throw line still has Fanta stains on it.”

“Oh, Hell, Gil, I didn’t expect an awkward Spanish Inquisition.”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMMMM

They jump out of the box where the slaughterballs and volleyballs and basketballs and nerfballs are stored

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Cardinal Cardano, read Mr. Luhm the charges.”

“Heresy by calling the Inquisition ‘awkward’.”

THAT’S IT?????

“Hah!!!!!!!!! Even the most minor unwitting remark is considered Sedition to the Pope!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cardinal Richelieu!!!!!!!!! Give his hair THE BUFFER!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Ooooooookkkkkkk, I’ll just take a wild stab and say that that’s Gil and Mimi in the ZZ Topmobile. Borrowing it from those 3 ladies who boogie in the “Sharp Dressed Man” video. There was a rumor floating around that one of the ladies was Dr. Pearl, who was wearing a wig to conceal her Granny Clampett beehive, evidently extra income to supplement her pittance as an administrator (Milford School Board did vote for a raise at the last Board Meeting because if the rumors were true, she’d throw out her back, after back surgery, trying to shake that thang) but the Milford Enquirer reporter couldn’t get close to the set at the parking lot behind Milford Foundry to confirm those rumors.

I DO KNOW I love to cook, following in the footsteps of my grandfather, Leonard Thomas Hardin, who was a cook in WWI, and that I’m a huge fan of The Naked Chef. Some of his recipes involve salmon.

And WE DO KNOW that that dude in P1 has the ugliest pair of black salmon that the Naked Chef could fish out of the Yukon River in Alaska. He’s stinkin’ up the porch even as I text. Unless that’s way of curing them, hanging them around his neck while he bids adieu or read the evening paper.

AND WE DO KNOW that NO ONE mounts a picture of Libra as a front vanity plate. “I’m the only Hell my mama ever raised”, sure, they’re pretty common on a lot of vehicles. Or “God, guns, and guts made America the #1 nation”, a lot of those seen on vehicles owned by, presumably NRA members or sympathizers. I don’t think Gil sticks that on his Lexus grille but maybe I need to keep up with the times.

“Tod, what a thing to say about your mother.”

“Gil, it was either that or ‘My kid beat up your honor student’. Wouldn’t look to put that on my Nova driving into the school parking lot.”

 

After viewing the worst lip-synching job known to mankind, perhaps since we left the cave sheltering the Neanderthal Man in the Middle Paleolithic Era, the bad montage, loosely speaking, of The Who performing “You Better You Bet”, and montage is being generous as it was the art project equivalent of Keith Moon being Loonie Moonie on top of John Jay or Roger Daltrey twirling the mic, barely missing FDR, the latter of which was executing his “Day of Infamy” speech, knowing my niece would have received an A- for this Elmer’s Glue cause celebre because that was the benchmark for excellence in 7th-grade art class

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Assistant Producer For The Mitch Miller Singers Fired After Gaffe At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The singers were lip-synching to The Who’s ‘Sister Disco’ instead of the intended ‘In The Mood’; fortunately, no one in the audience seemed to notice.”

 

For P2, I’m going to take the Reductio Ad Absurdum route to see if it’s anybody besides Gil and Mimi. My Intro Logic class out of high school FINALLY put to good use

“…awkward, suspicicious, Spanish Inquisition sort of way? Sure.

ONE ADAM 12!!!!!!!!!! ONE ADAM 12!!!!!!!!!!!! AN ARMED ROBBERY IN PROGRESS AT MILFORD FEDERAL BY THE MILFORD GREYHOUND STATION. CALLING ALL UNITS TO PROCEED WITH CAUTUON!!!!!!!!

Well, can’t be Martin and Kent. Let’s try this again

“…awkward, suspicious, Spanish Inquisition sort of way.”

“It’s the only way I know how to run an EKG on his heart. Otherwise, we’ll have to stick a tube up his anal system if we want to get an accurate reading on his rhythm. We have plenty of microsurgery tubes.”

Okay, “Medical Center” or “Emergency!!” is out.

 

“Boy, Steve, it’s bad enough smelling that Muriel at the ballpark but do I have to open up ALL THE WINDOWS????”

“…awkward, suspicious, Spanish Inquisition sort of way, sure.”

Ah, I believe the standard response to that one is “Shut up and drive, Harry. We’re gonna be late. You know how the Wrigley traffic can be.”

Nope, nope, nope.

 

And to drive home the point it can’t the Spanish Inquisition themselves, they’re just being used as a metaphor

 

At the S-Mart

“Sir, the soda machine is spouting Coffee Mate out of the Diet Coke spigot.”

“What can I DO????? The Maytag Man won’t be here until this evening, he’s working on Gil’s dishwasher. Geez, I didn’t expect a Spanish Inquisition!!!!!!”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMM

Coming out of aforementioned vehicle

NOBODY EXPECTS ETC. ETC. ETC.

Later

“How do you plead?”

INNOCENT

“HAH!!!!!!!!!!! We have ways of making you talk!!!!!!!!!! Cardinal Cardano, give our heretic….THE SLURPEE!!!!!!!!”

“No!!!!!! No!!!!!! Anything but that!!!!!!!! I confess!!!!!!!!! I swear on a stack of One Way’s I confess!!!!!!!!!!!”

I think we better stick with the Gil-and-Mimi theory until further notice.

 

At the Milford Outdoor Amphitheater

“…with your flashy trash pants!!!!!!!!!”

Heard among the senior citizens in the audience

“Boy, they don’t make ’em like they used to. That Glenn Miller was King in his Court.”

“I agree. That’s a unique style by Mitch Miller to help ’40’s Swing make a comeback.”

 

And as for P3, limping to the finish line, ending up dead last in the Milford Marathon

Mimi, you said it, us TWIMers didn’t. You are just rubber-stamping what we have been saying since Hoover was voted out of office. Gil is just biding his time with the Junior Golfers or Senior PGA members or the Milford 4th Grade U-11 Traveling Golf Kings or whoever he intends to “coach”. I mean, pass the tunaburgers, please. Maybe Gil might accomplish something by the end of the summer or after I down the 7th corn on the cob off Mimi’s tray, whichever comes first. We’ll see. In the interim, Mimi, do you still want that London broil on your plate?

 

In Dr. Pearl’s office

“Ms. Rizk, I must advise you that De Windt’s parents are upset about that ‘D-‘ you gave their son in Lifetime Journalism.”

“Dr. Pearl, that’s the 5th student you have failed to back me on and my patience is wearing thin!!!! Pete De Windt has not turned in his assignments, barely passed his exams, and only his project of investigating where Dr. Livingstone was living in the jungles of Africa and how he wound up with 2 illegitamate Rwandans because Dr. Livingstone couldn’t keep it in his pocket saved his grade.”

“They’re saying you never called them when Pete was in trouble.”

“What do I look like, the Milford Welcome Wagon???? Heck, Dr. Pearl, I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition!!!!!!!!”

Springing out of the 2nd drawer file cabinet

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMMMMM

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION

Later

“Ms. Rizk, you are in grave danger. Dr. Pearl tells me you have been guilty of heresy by thought. I mean, fantasies about the Pope is understandable but we have standards!!!!!!! How do you plead?”

INNOCENT

“HAH!!!!!!!!!!! We will drive those fantasies out of your cranium and make you pledge your allegiance to Vatican City!!!!!!!! Cardinal Richelieu, pound Ms. Rizk with…THE TYPEWRITER KEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!”

45 minutes later

“No, Cardinal, dum dum, that’s the margin space key. She’ll never be properly tortured that way!!!!!!!”

 

Gang, comment away. Maybe it’s Captain Kangaroo. Nah, why would Mr. Green Jeans be discussing the Inquisition with Mr. Moose?

 

“Is that Kenney Jones up there? Didn’t he play with The Small Faces?”

“I think so. Man, he’s just as crazy as Moon.”

“No question. He’s just banging and crashing with the Singers on ‘Blues To Be There’. Only Ellington did it better at Newport.”

 

“When will they get rid of Coach T???? He didn’t even have a baseball season to speak of. You’re listening to Marty Moon on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports. And if I was expecting a Spanish Inquisition, I’d have been wearing my cross by now.”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMMMMM

Bursting out of the WDIG Director’s office

“NOBODY EXPECTS THE, oh, buggers, let’s head to The Bucket. All this terrorizing is making me hungry.”

 

 

 

 

May 16, 2019

National Merit Scholarships Are TCFS?

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Wait, Linda is trolling for a button/badge? And her teammate Nancy, who isn’t even sure if she is a part of things, denied her? But there does seem to be a specific set for couples TCFS achievement? Are there any written rules at this point or at least some sort of appeals process? Will a rival badge-less clique rise up to contest the new social hierarchy only to itself recreate the rigid social boundaries it was meant to disrupt? Will we leave lots of unanswered questions and then, all of a sudden but after several tall lemonades, see Gil teaching golf to surly seven year olds at the Milford CC over the summer?

I think we know the answer to that last one at least.

Bonus points: Nancy is depicted sitting as far away as possible from the steering wheel and its potentially lethal airbag as one should.  Not sure how well she’s going to be able to steer with her elbows locked like that, but one problem at a time I suppose.

Minus points: Even though Nancy has her hands at the recommended 9 and 3 positions, in the event of airbag deployment, her chunky bracelets are sure to become deadly, if fashionable, projectiles. Also, Nancy comes across as super passive-aggressive as she tells and tells us about what happened (or didn’t) after panel one’s exciting action.

May 9, 2019

Rocki Works In Mysterious (And Quick!) Ways

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P1: Either we skipped a few days, or Graphic Goddess Rocki whipped up some original design in just a few minutes. Perhaps she used lots of copy and paste art.

P2: That word, you keep using it…

P3: Oooooh! Thursday cliffhanger! Could they have included the proper noun along with the pronoun? Sure looks like there’s space in for a larger dialogue balloon. Truly great pacing to use the last bit of dialogue to reestablish Molly’s name.

Bonus question: What is that thing that maybe could be the back of a CRT monitor in panel three?

Minus point: I am so committed to posting these things that I can confirm that the logo in panel three is likely not that of Skyborne Advertising, erstwhile enabler of B/Robby Howry’s mass media anti-Gil ad campaign.

May 2, 2019

Work The Hippo! Feel The Flab!

Filed under: ?, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots, Oakwood, Pointy Fingers, softball — timbuys @ 7:20 am

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Truer words, Jamila. I don’t know what else I can say either. Have at it commenters!

Wait, who the hell is Carla? We’ve so far been introduced to Jamila Moses – P (stuffed hippos), Jo(y)celyn Brown – C (‘cool’ hats), Molly Hatchet – SS (synchronized skating (aka ‘Family Stuff’)), Nancy Kaffer – 3B (comic book hero blogging) and Linda Carr 2B (volleyball/David Walter abuse)…. So, who is Carla? Is the hippo named Carla?

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