This Week in Milford

October 17, 2020

Say what??

Filed under: ?, actual action, football, Gil Thorp, Marty Moon, Milford Idiots — robmize2013 @ 5:01 pm

Lets ..keep..our..guys..off..the..field…? Apparently Will thinks if nobodys on the field Madison will lose? If there was any Exhibit A of concusssions having an effect on the brain this is it.

Yes I get his point but its weird to say the least. What he means is ‘lets control the clock and limit Madisons possessions’ since apparently they are a high powered offense. Thats how you beat a team when they can score and you cant. Even though Milford just proved they can put up points in a hurry with the BACKUP QB playing who just got disciplined for being EXACTLY the type of QB the Mudlarks need in this game!?! As Ned Ryerson would say — “Am I right or am I right?”

Yeah sure you can hold the ball with your running game but jesus, part of coaching is giving your team the BEST chance to win every game.

Air Jimmy huh? You still gotta play some D, and if the other 11 guys suck, your 12th man is of Absolutely no use to you!! 1 outa 12 aint gonna cut it people! Do you hear me Thorp??

P3 – what the hell is on Martys screen?

In a different life, Jimmy was a rock singer:

August 29, 2020

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, and Shut Your Piehole

Corina must not have gotten enough free meals out of Milford, so she whipped out Mim’s* business card, punched up those digits, and set up a lunch date at the diner to glom one last one. Wow, that diner table sure is shiny, ain’t it? Looks like Steve Luhm must’ve dropped in and applied his mop skills to it. You sure as shootin’ know Maureen didn’t, since her nosy ass has been spending so much time burning up the phone lines.

This feels like an arc-ender, what with Maureen’s snappy one-liner and the fact that this is the last weekend in August. What, really, have the last couple of months advanced in this strip, besides laying the groundwork for two possible long-term (by Gil Thorp standards) characters? That Milford has its own version of Mary Worth in Maureen? That Mimi’s gonna end up with a decent catcher for the Lady Mudlarks next spring? That Golden Boy True Standish isn’t so golden?

Tune in Monday when we’ll see if Kaz and Rick Scott are attaching face shields behind the Mudlarks’ face masks.

*Not a typo; see Thursday’s strip.

August 28, 2020

Is that how you carry a golf bag?

Filed under: ?, baseball, Just plain sad, Milford Alumni, Milford Idiots, Where is Milford? — robmize2013 @ 5:36 pm

Now we get a rehashing of the events of 3 weeks ago (at least) from our friend Corinna about the ballgame/picnic yadda yadda yadda. We really need to hear that again today only because True didnt know about it, but thats a dumb ass reason to move to a city! For free food. Yep. Otherwise the town blows, but that free food once in a lifetime sure sold me. Sheesh.

True’s outfit is interesting- a black t-shirt under a Wake Forest shirt with the sleeves cut off. Why not just wear one or the other? Its still August for chrissakes. Thats the best he can do for that big pro contract huh? And the Rays hat showing off his pro team.

What the hell are they doing with golf bags sitting around talking? If thats only an equipment bag, how much shit do you need to play catch? So many odd things in 1 strip.

Then the best part- Panel 3- True says his college (on that shirt) HAD to fly him in? To Milford? For what? To work out?? With who? Some chick going to remedial school? Or an official baseball catcher assigned to him by WF? And most of all, WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH WHAT CORINNA SAID IN P2??

So many dots to connect here and I’m just dying to know what Rays official looked at the plane schedule out in Tampa and came up with Milford as True’s destination. Chicago? Nope. Nashville? Nada. Hey how about even Atlanta? Oh no. No way do they have anyone hanging around with a catchers mitt that looks like a hat. Milford it is.

Finally – is True pointing at his shirt when he refers to WF? Again? Didnt he point at his hat talking about Tampa?

2 morons. 1 non-existent storyline. Tune in tomorrow when his official catcher shows up on the 19th hole.

July 5, 2020

Baseball, pizza, apple subs, and… Ice Cream??

As much as we all wish our colleague Teenchy a swift recovery from whatever is ailing him, the first thought that crossed my mind when I heard about his condition was.. the strip was finally so far off the tracks that it made him physically ill.

And I’m sure thats not far off for the rest of us.

How on Gods green earth is this happening? We start off with the promise of a possibly exciting matchup thats so unknown that we dream of a memorable conclusion that will have the Milfordites talking about it the rest of the summer.

What we got is…not even close. How much food can these players eat in the first place to be able to play at any level resembling competitive when its already 90 degrees or so out (Yes its summer, we knew that before the game started)? I mean, really. During a normal athletic event most players are happy enough with water or Gatorade. This is like a Thanksgiving dinner for chrissake. And these kids are supposed to play with all these carbs and calories and sweets laid out for them?

I had already mentioned the umpire and the fans– did they know what was coming? Nope. Whoever planned this foodfest has shit for brains. And thats putting it mildly.

So I wont belabor their noble efforts to keep observing the constant interruptions in their job (ump) and their free time (fans). Which in any world beside ours would lead to downright mutiny.

Thank God they didnt charge admission for this or they’d be storming the Basilica.

Wherever this storyline is headed from here, somebodys got some major explaining to do. And I cant believe they have a rational one.

Get well soon Teenchy!!

 

July 3, 2020

Wasnt this gonna be a big game?

Dont know where to start- fielding tips, batting tips, pizza breaks, an umpire who by all rights should’ve headed for the hills an hour ago, and now — a sub sandwich delivery guy??  I’ve heard of fiascos but this – tops em all. Its almost turning into a Harlem Globetrotters game, where a semblance of a basketball game turns into a charade with goofy timeouts, confetti in a water bucket, and non-competitive action.

But the difference is WE KNEW BEFOREHAND! This shambles of a game is wasting the time of the fans in the stands (where have they been for 3 days?) and of course Mr. Umpire, who has the balls of a midget. No ump worth his salt would put up with anything like this fiasco. Throw everyone out of the park and go home. Thats what a real man in blue would do. Wasting his fuckin time showing delinquents how to play baseball.. not happening, man. Gimme my 25 bucks and see ya.

Of course with the odd angle of the catcher in P2, the ump stands a good chance of getting clocked in the nuts with a well-timed fastball. But since he doesnt have any, no worries.

April 21, 2020

Lost Cause And Mixed Plots.

Filed under: ?, Chunky Bracelets, huge earrings, Milford Idiots, song parody — tdrewhardin @ 8:54 am

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Please

Let this mushy pomp

Shrivel and get stomped

Slink into a sewer hole

I can see the side show

Complete with song and dance

Fade in eternity

Looking through the eyes of ennui

 

Gang, had to John Prine this one more time, given the Ice Castles wannabe we’re about to be subjected to.

And, okay, Thorpiverse, I’ll overlook your sacrificing any action on the diamond by attempting to foist on us a hopeless love story. But do we have to make it sound like The Mayor was trying to rape her in the back of Muench’s Archie Jalopy when he wasn’t sipping on his Cocoa Puffs? Boy, what machismo.

“Here, Phoebe, sniff my breath!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Ooooooooo, you got cooties!!!!!!!!! What did you eat for breakfast, Trix and Shake ‘n’ Bake?????”

“Actually, I also threw in Cracker Jack. Hey, I got a prize.”

And we’ve seen Archie make a move on Veronica and more often than not, it was with Veronica’s consent. Fair enough. But do we have to have Jughead in the front seat, chowing down on 11,546 Bucket Burgers? Yeah, anyone who follows Archie knows that Jughead has a promiscuous appetite. But it’s like Jughead on his 489th Big Mac while Hermie and Oskie get out the rubbers and go to town. Not really a proper setting for a McDonald’s McChicken commercial. Not really the proper atmosphere when you have the kiddies in Mc’D’s parking lot talking about how they love Happy Meals while Trix ‘n’ Bake is implementing other ideas in the background in the front seat. Whopper advertisement? I’ve heard of “Have it your way” but that’s carrying things too far. Let’s keep these mixed plots in perspective, boys and girls. John Prine would have wanted it that way.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Pulls Hamstring And Will Be Incapacitated For 3 Weeks After Incident At Mudlark Lake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I was trying to show off in front of Alexa and perform a triple axel in my ice skates and I slammed into the canoe dock to make it worse.”

 

Now

We must bear this sameness

We can see this shameless

Sordid sack of sad burlesque

Reaching out to grab us

Won’t release its grip

Were that we wouldn’t be found

Looking through another bad trip

 

Geez, I just love it when Babe Ruth calls The Shot in the ’32 Series, then falls in love with the catcher on the Rockford Peaches. Takes “A League of Their Own” to another level. All that hand-holding around Yankee Stadium (“The House That Ruth Fondled The Woman’s Private Parts”) and tonguing each other before George Herman takes BP, I think it’ll fly by Siskel & Ebert.

Really, Phoebe has a career night and like the girl in “Ice Castles”, gets blind-sided by an unforeseen occurrence. But at least the skater overcame and won. How do you win against all odds against a sorry-ass plot? Do we really have to get side-tracked into a Nightmare on Love Story after Mr. October wins the Playdowns?

Well, the consolation prize is Phoebe’s earrings aren’t so chunky. She can move her head.

 

Wink Martindale on Milford Dialing for Dollars

“No, that is incorrect, Gil did not play Obi-Wan Kenobi on ‘Star Wars’.  The correct answer was Alec Guiness. But hey, instead of $10,000,000, how about some chunky bracelets as a consolation prize? Sounds great? Okay, what’s the name? Gonzo Pearl? Is that with 2 Z’s?”

 

If ya fall in love with yore hog that ya was gonna slaughter at the Milford Stockyards becuz it could skate in the Milford Ice Rink after gittin’ ed a bucket full of slop without ever once fallin’ on its derriere, ya might be a redneck.

 

And the exploding shoulder has graced the scene after we witnessed the Attack of the Exploding Butts last week, the sequel to Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Yes, when you shoot ’em down, they won’t stay dead. They were in your eyeballs for several years until Gil decided he was old enough for Milk of Magnesia. He spread the wealth evidently to Gonzo last week after doling out some to his wife who proceeded to watch the butt crack implode from Alexa. This must be getting contagious.

“Here, Honey, try some Philips on your Caesars Salad and Corn Whispies. It’s excellent protein. Give the rest to your team. Sometimes you need some movement in your offense.”

“Thanks, Hubby. We need to execute the hit-and-run better. She’s just as good as 3rd base.”

 

Late in the game, Gil calls time to the ump and uses his first trip to the mound to check on Gonzo

“How’s your arm holding out?”

“M-OK”

 

And I sincerely project

That even in this reject

We’ll manage to bail out

Knowing she’s beside herself

She’s not noticing

 

Uh oh. I’m feeling another Benita Butrell surging up in my windpipe.

I have always LOVED the comedy stylings of Keenan Ivory Wayans. Many comedians rely upon emoting to be funny. Not Keenan. The dude is simply plain damn funny.

So as long as we’re getting dragged into a hopeless Milford Heights episode, hey, if you can’t beat ’em, make fun of ’em. Take her away, Benita

“Y’know, I saw Mimi Thorp pat Alexa on the derriere after Alexa scored the game-winning lay-up. Mimi was just trying to send a message that smart offense and defense win championships. Go on, Girl.

Actually, she wasn’t gettin’ enough from Gil cuz Gil wuz doin’ his own foreplay with somebody’s behind and winning and soft tushes felt so good, he done tol’ the whole damn team to bend over after practice. The team thought they were being punished by doin’ a suicide drill. And Mimi made ’em do wind sprints in the field and the slowest got a chunka change seized on their person.

And when Phoebe tol’ ol’ Alexa that she had a hard-on for Flushee Face, Alexa showed she had a hard-on for Phoebe by lightin’ a fire on the woman’s arm. This touchy-feely stuff coulda gone lower but this is a sports strip not Penthouse. They ain’t such a thing as non-contact sport in that magazine but they’s more contact in P2 than on the softball diamond. Alexa’s practicing good touches and taggin’ ’em out simultaneously, the way I reckon it.

But I ain’t one to gossip so ya ain’t heard that from me.”

 

Please

Please let the twaddle singe

It’s forcing us to cringe

And we want to forget this flop

Don’t desire to touch it

It feels like laundry lint

Just close the lid

Looking through this rinse cycle plot

 

Hoo boy. Now we’re approaching what I believe will be the meat of the issue, no pun intended. We would have no clue how Milford is doing in baseball and softball, the season has been pre-empted by Gidget Loves Mr. Flushee. We are left at the mercy of the captions, such as the one in the upper left in P3. When we have to take their word for it, it’s going to be a long season. Trust is an essential ingredient if you wish to remain a reader of Thorpiverse. I am a Western buff and I read a lot of “We Were There” series, such as “We Were There…On The Santa Fe Trail” or “We Were There…At Fort Fetterman” or “We Were There…At Sutter’s Mine”. A recent addition was just released “We Were There…At The Mudlark Batting Cages”. Sure to be a good read.

 

Wink Martindale on Jeopardy!

“This thing actually exploded when Gil tried to pat it on the fanny after it was part of a triple play.”

BUZZZZZZZZZ

“Yes, Merle?”

“What is TNT?”

“By God, you are correct. You now have $13,569,371 bringing your 3-day total to $474,629,012. Boy, you could buy a bunch of chunky bracelets with that paycheck. How ’bout we go 50-50? No? Just kidding, Merle. You be sure you get your great aunt out of that nursing home and to Mudlark Lakes Senior Affordable Shelter like you promised her. All right, My Man, still your turn.”

“Bad Plots for $1000.”

 

Oh please, if this is where I’m thinking it’s going, Heaven help us. That’s right, we couldn’t be content with The Mayor grossing us out with his Sugar Pops/Steakburger combo, complete with Lawry’s Salt. Thorpiverse now has to switch gears and go George Jones on us. Sure, I liked his music and The Rolling Stones were big fans of his.

But this “I’m glad you introduced me/And I hope you’ll understand/I’ll be faithful to this bottle in my hand” twist that seems to be looming on the horizon is just ruining the curve on competence of this plot. And is Phoebe going to be Tammy Wynette? Stand by The Mayor? Whoops, I better close Pandora’s Box.

Rice Krispies and Jack Daniels Straight. Sheesh, no wonder why he’s been standing askance on 2nd base.

 

“And that was Phoebe Keener and Tammy Wynette with ‘Stand By Your Man’. We’ll be back with more Milford Kickin’ Country Classics after these messages. This is WDIG-Radio.”

 

“Wasn’t that a wonderful duet? Mimi sings that in the shower all the time. She alternates between that and ‘How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?’.

And the hits ain’t gonna stop, I’ll guara-damn-tee it, if Milford Beverage Warehouse has anything to do with it. Hi, this is Coach Thorp leading the Hit Parade.

Right now, until the COVID-19 scare is a thing of the past, The Warehouse has a great deal to get you out of the house and still maintain social distancing. Lord knows I don’t want any germs on my Jose Cuervo.

Between now and the end of May, for every $50 purchase of any of your favorite liquors in any combinations, The Warehouse will give away a hand-engraved autograph of Wink Martindale on chunky bracelets fresh from the mines of South Africa. Ummmm, ummmm. I can not only quench my thirst with a Heineken, I now have Christmas shopping for Mimi all wrapped up, literally in this case.

How about 2 18-Packs of Coors Lite at $14.99 apiece and a 750 ml bottle of Knob Creek Whiskey thrown in? C’mon, gentlemen, you have daughters. And you can always explain how sexy Wink was when he was hosting “The Price is Right” when Bob Barker was on vacation.

And with Mother’s Day around the corner, chunky bracelets are just the thing to give your grandmother. She can join the rest of the mall walkers and talk about how Wink never needed make-up, his sex appeal could be seen from the New York islands to the redwood forest. For $16.97 a bottle, buy 4 Meiomi Pinot Noir at 750 ml and Wink Martindale and amber waves of grain are practically synonymous.

Going to get married? Gotcha covered. Buy 2 24-Packs of Michelob Ultra at $23.99 a case and The Warehouse will throw in a can of Milford Vending Beer Nuts to send you over the top. Sometines the state tax can only stretch so far so naturally The Warehouse is there to CYA. Hey, I would have wanted Wink Martindale to be there in spirit and give Mimi an autographed chunky bracelet when I couldn’t find the ring at our wedding.

Folks, it just don’t get no better than this. Come down to Milford Beverage Warehouse and do your own permutations. Price you pay if you want the finer things in life in tandem with The Good Life. Come get your booze, chunky bracelet,and a date with Wink all in paper or plastic, here at The Warehouse, and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

 

Gang, I promise, I’m not off the wagon. I swore off Flushee Puffs and now eat Cheerios. Out of a bowl.

 

“…and then they’s that talkative fool, Marty Moon. He and Peaches went on a 3-day All-Expense-Paid trip done financed by WDIG itself. That first night in bed, Lawdy, WDIG shoulda asked for its money back. Peaches was lookin’ for love, but Girl, Marty had to look under the bed to see if he dropped it. They had to report his sex life to the Mudlark Lake Office Lost and Found. Bump and grind became peck and poke. You do dat on a typewriter, not with your sexual behavior.

But I ain’t one to gossip, so you didn’t hear it from me.”

 

In Gil’s office one fine morning

“They found it under the Gideon’s Bible? No, Benita, I didn’t know that.”

March 30, 2020

Will The Mayor Be Ready??

Filed under: ?, general nonsense, Just plain sad — nedryerson @ 5:35 am

03302020

A bright, brisk Spring morning sees Tom Muench pick up Mark Godleski. So this is the beginning of the new plot. Tom Muench was name checked a few times in the just ended crapshow that was the Schuring/Watson, um, show of crap. Godleski is probably new. I don’t think I remember his name. Billy?

I have two questions so far. What is going on with Muench’s car? Does he go mudding in his four door sedan? Maybe he lives on a dirt road. I guess this is Spring in Milford. Dirty, melting snow on the roads could be involved. Does Muench’s ride have undercoating?

The second question concerns “The Mayor”. I assume it’s a nickname, like Ossie Davis’ character in Do The Right Thing. (Technically he was “Da Mayor“.)  Anybody nicknamed The Mayor in this context has the inside track as standout self-aggrandizing character for this season’s plot.

October 15, 2019

Disappearing Into The Science Fiction Time Loop

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The notion that Charlie would vaguely remember a kid in another second grade class who transferred the next year nearly ten years later when the kid transferred back into the district strains credulity. These oblique and dilatory plot setups are easily the most frustrating part of reading this strip. Don’t show, don’t tell, only vaguely and irregularly allude to is one sort of storytelling structure I suppose. That this is all centered around a brand new character when the whole Tiki Jansen fiasco would’ve served the dramatic purposes of the current arc is all the more frustrating.

Frankly, Chet’s suggestion is more interesting than whatever desultory denouement we are likely to be treated to at the truncated termination of this Fall’s football foofaraw.

Bonus point: That the leaves are still falling while Chet and Charlie are clearly done raking for the day.

Minus point: Of the Milford villains we’ve been exposed to in the thirteen (!) years this blog has been running, Chet is easily the least interesting. I welcome the commenters to prove me wrong should any of you be so motivated.

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