This Week in Milford

August 28, 2018

This Isn’t Funny Anymore

Filed under: ?, Birch River CC, CC's, freak hands, Gil Thorp, golf, Just plain sad, metapost — tdrewhardin @ 3:14 pm


Gang, it looks as if Gil took the sure out instead of the questionable tho more helpful double play. This tournament coulda been called the “Miller Lite Everybody On The Planet And The Other Planets In The Solar System Plus The Members Of The Major Galaxies Is Welcome To Tee Off In Our Tournament Except Two Golf Clubs Who I’ll Hold Nameless But They Know Who They Are And I Don’t Want ANY Losers And Assholes Who Don’t Know Shit From A Black Hole About Ethics To Be In Our Sandbox Invitational”. Nope, Gil pursued the trite road and employed the Keep It Sane, Shithead method. Coach, if you can’t get even a whiff more original with your nomenclature, can we just hit the brakes and fast forward to the football plot? If you’re going to DRAG this one so that it overlaps with pigskin season, you might next time hit the Milford Public Library and check out Roget’s Thesaurus.



Okay, gang, Gene Rayburn is ready to play Match Game 2018 again so sharpen your wits and see if you’re up to the challenge

Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW    DUMB   WAS  SHE?????????????), she thought she would lose her ___________ when she entered Gil’s Tournament.


Based upon a Twilight Zone episode I watched with relish (WALLACE V. WHIPPLE RULES!!!!!!!!)


Gil comes back from the Gil Thorp Benson & Hedges Pro-Am Open, unlocks the door to his office and discovers the Lost in Space robot sitting in his desk.

“What are YOU doing here?”

“I’m finishing up those physicals that need to be turned into the State Athletic Association by the end of the month. Since “Golf Story” is Held Over for another week at the Milford Bijou, SOMEBODY needed to put it on their shoulders to get them completed. and mine are made of titanium.”

“You have no business in my chair!! Now get out!!”

“Sorry, Coach, or shall I say even as I compute, ex-Coach, The school has undergone significant transformations.”

“We’ll see. I’m going to talk to Dr. Pearl about this.”

“You haven’t heard?”


Gil opens door and barges in. Gee, if you possess Arrogance of Power, a precious commodity in this strip the last 60 years, to stage a bad golf plot, whoops, “Golf Story-‘Where do I begin? To tell a story  that’s so sickeningly thin…'” is it REALLY necessary to KNOCK?

“Dr. Pearl, I need to talk to you. Whose brilliant idea was it to stick a robot in my chair? I’m going to call the police after they  engineer that meth bust at Milford Men’s Club–”

Notices R2D2 in what used to be Dr. Pearl’s chair. She forgot to take her Dr. Scholl Butt-E-Z seat cushion and R2D2 is livin’ large.

“Who the #%^&*@!+< are You?”


“R2!!!!! That is no way to address Coach Thorp!!! Just because he was voted out as coach doesn’t give you the right to tell him he couldn’t fuggin’ coach his way out of Dumbo the Elephant’s diaper bag!!!!!!!”


“And I REALLY don’t appreciate your telling him his mother could do a better job with Wilson and Tony with clubs from the rebar pile at Milford Foundry!!!!! Oh, I’m so terribly sorry, Coach. Those Nacho Fries he ate at Taco Bell is really contorting the wires in his system. I hope you land that job as a chassis assembler at Milford Toyota. Have they called?”


“Gil, I just found out myself. we were hosting a backyard Bar-B-Q for the Milford Civitan Club when a man in a pin-stripe suit showed up. It didn’t appear he was wanting a Pulled Pork Pit sandwich and Amish potato salad on his Chinet plate with a Mudlar-K-Cream Red Soda. The Board voted you out but buy a narrower margin.”



Gil, Who the HELL is this woman in P2?

If Gil were a TV show and we watched the intro

The “Ironsides” theme blaring out of one of the speakers in the drive-in section of The Bucket, we see different scenes from Gil encouraging (?) a player in a basketball game to Mimi having a tender moment with Gil on the verandah, toasting with their glasses of Ovaltine, from the Down With Marty mob in the bleachers at a Milford HS tennis match (shoehorned in to look more like a Communist bloc) to an actual classroom scene where students are conjugating the verb “to masturbate” in Coach Kaz’s Latin 103 class, we see the credits evenly distributed on on the screen


Don Everly as Gil Thorp

Christie Brinkley as Mimi Thorp

Gary Coleman as Jamie Thorp

Susan Olson as Keri Thorp

Mr. T as Coach Kaz

Minnie Pearl as Dr. Pearl

George Jones as Coach Shaw

and introducing

Wilma Flintstone as the Lady Who Stands In Front Of The Birch River Country Club Property Because She Didn’t Pay Her Yearly Dues Because She Had To Pay Her Cable Bill


I mean, this plotline is getting desperate. Gil and Wilma, I hate to break this one to you but SCHOOL JUST STARTED for a lot of school systems around the country. Where did these families go on vacation? Sure, they got a discount to climb the Neuschwanstein Castle at Disneyworld and they’re living high off the hog (“Where’s the kitchen?”-“Daddy, Petey’s gotta go bad”, “I know, Honey, they told me the rest room was in the third tower, second door on the right”). But, Hey, the other families are rooted in reality and should make the Tournament if the traffic is okay.

But as long as we’re one happy family around here and we can beat Snidely Whiplash and his sons in the tournament, if they’re allowed to participate and in P3.53, Gil is evidently taking his golf clubs and going home, and make this an annual event like we’ve been doing for 60ish years, Communism will stay on the other side of the pond. The Milford Country Club might still have crab grass but Wilma can always call the Chem-Lawn man. BTW, Wilma, it’s amazing what age progression can do.



Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Mudlar-K-Orange-Cola truck drives psycho oil rig off Milford Palisades!!!!!”

sub headline

“The hero, Ferd Grantham,to be given Key to the City in special ticker-tape parade tomorrow.”


Gang, I LOVE Husker Du just as much as Tori Amos and Todd Rundgren so don’t be surprised to see me drawing from the well SEVERAL times from this Minneapolis trio. Might as well start somewhere


You can alter the script if you want

You can butcher it all to Hell

Throw logic out the door

Crack our sanity like peanut shells


It’s not funny anymorrrrreeeeee

It’s not funny



You can write any plot you want

Stage tournaments when you damn well please

Don’t worry about when it ends

Even if the readers are begging on their knees


Marty Moon doing that interlude on his ukulele. Bob Mould he isn’t, gang, but you like variety, don’t you? Yeah, thought so.


It’s not funny anymorrrrreeeeee

It’s not funny



Fight your foes to The Living End

This plot veering where the Hell it wants to go

Just ignore the wretching you hear from us

We’ll be dying of Thorpiverse vertigo


Marty breaks a string and the sound alters, “Land Speed Record” comers to mind so at least we’re not skipping a beat


It’s not funny anymorrrrreeeee

It’s not funny



We hope you’re happy that you nailed your man

We were snoozing while you did the very deed

It took forever but not surprised at all

Like Pa Bader, one day we shall be freed


Marty really pouring it on with his kazoo interlude


It’s not funny anymorrrrreeeeee

It’s not funny



RIP, Grant Hart. You rode for free to Heaven. You brought joy to my life for 30+ years, Big Guy.



If yuz a Tournament Official and the teenagers fudge the scores becuz ya looked the other way to drop yore drawers cuz ya had ta relieve yoreself of all that Schlitz Tall Boys, ya might be a redneck.

Then there’s P3. This was avant-garde technology back in the ’60’s and ’70’s but the Thor/HephaestusPrint style is really wearing thin. Is it REALLY necessary to vulcanize parts of the strip so that we’re forced to use our Elementary Algebra skills? Why pour kerosene on an already raging, but boring, flame? In P3.6, Gil is still in the negotiating stages because in P3.374, Wilma is holding out for more participants in Gil’s Tournament. The kids want Doritos Cool Ranch served at the Tournament Banquet. Lays Sour Cream ‘n’ Onion is too salty and a couple of the kids have COPD, Gil. And can they bring their own clubs or do they have to use the ones from your gym, the ones used in Lifetime Sports? We’d rather bring our own. And can we bring the kids from “Eight is Enough?” And Lassie?  RUFF, RUFF!!!!!!!!! Oh, Gil, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!! Lassie asked what foursome she’s paired up with.

Oh, sure, it’s BYOC (…Clubs) anyway and we had to send those rusty pieces of steel to the Milford Dry Cleaners. Excuse me,I gotta put down the phone. I’m getting Thorpiverse vertigo again. Geez, I don’t see how Batman and The Joker put up with this angle. And we can squeeze Lassie in with Mr. Ed, Benji, and Jiminy Cricket. Goofy backed out. He injured his gloves from Carpel Tunnel Syndrome.

And the question Wilma poses in Ppi is just begging to be ripped up like the Milford phone book

“Gil, who’s invited to this Invitational?”

“I called the Pope and he told me it was contingent on what weekend the G7 Summit is held but The Rolling Stones had prior engaements. I declined The Hardy Boys after their drunken escapade last year. Me and Mimi don’t feel like scrubbing their puke this year. Oh, and Andy Rooney has agreed to be the keynote speaker this year at the banquet.”

If the Dalton Gang IS invited (Odds are horrible, you understand)

Gil to Clever Hans, the Official Scorekeeper of the Pine Ridge Boys

“Are you SURE it was a ‘4’ instead of a ‘5’?

STOMP!!!!!!!!! STOMP!!!!!!!!!!

“Gil, that means ‘YES!!!!’ Now c’mon, the poor horse is getting hungry. After 18 holes, the poor thing’s gotta have his hay and his bag of Bolthouse Carrots.”

The Tournament Official then turns to the 10-year-old caddies

“BTW, will one of you grab a shovel and pick up his manure? He shot a wad on the greens on #17.”


Diane Gaines, thank you for ALL you do at TARC (Transit Authority of River City). You fill our tanks, get the vehicles coordinated well, get the workers around you to do their jobs more effectively. And in the morning, our vehicles are READY TO ROCK again. And you do it with a can-do approach. NOTHING gets you down. You always get my blood pumping with your encouragement and your enthusiasm. Thank you for ENCOURAGING ME.  If there’s a problem, you’ll get it solved. We need more like you, in life as well as on the job. Gang, take care of the Diane’s of the world. They ALWAYS take care of you.


Gang, comment away. Hey, if any of you has some loose change, could you swing it Wilma’s way? She’s halfway to paying off her yearly dues.


At the Milford Girls-a-Go Go club, where some stragglers in Gil’s Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time cast are holding out the last few days of August.

“She thinks IIIIIIIII still carrrrrrreeeeeeeee…”


“Coach Shaw, my name’s Sonny Tucker, booking agent for The Grand Ole Opry. You have a few minutes?”

Metapost: Folks, I do a little light editing of T. Drew’s posts since I’ve given up my daily slot. That said, sometimes I do wanna post a video.  Anyway, this song has been sticking with me lately. Paul Schafer is way too excited in the earlier choruses… – TimP


August 7, 2018

Help Big Boy Find His Way Out Of This Plot


Gang, remember when we were kids and we went to Jerry’s or Ponderosa or Frisch’s Big Boy and we’d order our favorite food because our parents weren’t going to make us eat our vegetables at Frisch’s, WE COULD ORDER WHATEVER THE HELL WE WANTED? So we’d order a Triple Cheese Big Boy Burger, a washtub full of French Fries, Caesar’s Salad they’d serve in dog food bowls and OF COURSE THE DESSERT which was a hot fudge sundae designed like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Naturally, we didn’t finish because we were kids and our eyes got bigger than our tummies and so Mom and Dad got us doggie bags to finish instead of Cheerios for the next couple of days. While we were waiting, remember those placemats? The ones that had “Help Long John Silver find the buried treasure” or “Help Big Boy find his way to his house” or “Help Marty Moon find his way to Studio 3 after he got hung over from Blatz Beer the night before”.

That’s the scenario as I see it in front of me. Etiqutte training? Blackthorne? One minute we’re on the trail of 2 teenagers, evidently with some game, about to brave the elements to,well, play more golf. Next thing you know we’re trying to cram in more terminology within the span of  less than a month. The plot that never ends, fer sure.

What does etiquette training have to do with the game of golf AT THIS POINT ANYWAY? Sure, you yell “FORE!!!!!” when you hit a shot and you think it’s going to hit a spectator or fellow golfer on the head if they’re in the vicinity of your shot. And you wait patiently until your partner putts or uses a 9-iron before you attempt your shot. But we don’t need to go into Amy Vanderbilt here and why are we going into it anyway? Because Gil is trying to hide the fact that HE’S CLUELESS AND HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH 2 TEENAGE BOYS WITH OBVIOUSLY MORE GOLF LORE IN THEIR BAGS THAN GIL HAS IN HIS TRUNK?

Gil, why don’t you just say it? You have NOTHING to teach these kids so the month of August is strictly going to be a BS session as we help Cap’n Crunch and his crew find Etiquette Training and get a coupon good for a free Big Boy Catch of the Day Fish Sandwich, good for the next go-round plus a box of Cap’n Crunch Blueberry Cereal (Hey, we’re kids, we always loved a throw-ins). I mean, I don’t know if we’re reading Gil Thorp or James Joyce. St. Fabians? Was that in “Finnegan’s Wake” or “Ulysses”?

I’twas a blustery dye in Milfoordian as we goot nae soon for tree dyes now. Blackthorne woos a syte with ool its liefs drooped froom the trees. Gil nyded moor sex froom his wife sence the ploot woos fallin apart with nae end in syte.


At the Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club during August


Heard at a table 10 feet from stage

“Man, I didn’t know Coach Kaz had it in him!!”

“I hear ya!! And Mimi is really SHAKIN’ THAT THANG!!”


Little Richard, you’re still going strong at 86 and I don’ t see that stopping. My hat’s off to you, My Man.

And have we really established where the hell we’re playing? As long as Gil is going to be the caboose on the Little Train That Could(“CHOO CHOOOOO, This plot is bad, this plot is bad, this…”), we’re given possible sites, Pine Ridge, St. Fabians, Blackthorne, Augusta National, Pebble Beach, Zion National Monument, Badlands, and so on but Gil is not only NOT REALLY coaching(like he ever was but this time his hand is caught in the hole on #10) but he’s drawn a blank for a specific spot.

At Milford Putt Putt

“NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can’t have somebody hold the windmill blade while you’re shooting for an eagle. That’s cheating!!!!!!!!!!!!”


What happens when you call the number 1-888-O-BUCKET or go online at to answer the survey to receive a Buy One Bucket Liver Cheeseburger and Bucket Fries Combo, Get One Free coupon


What did you order?

Bucket Burger

Bucket Double Burger

Bucket Triple Burger

Bucket Cheese Burger

Bucket Fries

Bucket Curly Fries

Bucket Chili Fries

Bucket o’ Tots

Bucket Hot Tamale

Bucket Pasta and Rice

Bucket Breakfast w/ Hot Cakes

Bucket Breakfast w/ Hot Cakes w/o Hash Brown Packet

Bucket Breakfast w/ Hot Cakes w/ I Can’t Believe it’s Butter!!!

Bucket Breakfast w/ Hot Cakes w/o Hash Brown Packet w/ Napkins & Straw w/o Butter and Jelly and Maple Syrup w/Arm & Hammer Baking Soda

Bucket Bologna Burger

Bucket Garlic Bologna Burger

Bucket Thick-Sliced Garlic Bologna Burger

Bucket Thin-Sliced Garlic Bologna Burger in Laminated Sheets

Bucket Thin-Sliced Garlic Bologna Burger Hand-Tossed

Bucket Turkey Burger

Bucket Buffalo Burger

Bucket Buffalo Burger(w/o Hormone Shots)

Bucket Burger w/ Matzo Buns

Bucket Pizza Burger

Bucket Pizza Burger Delivered in 30 Minutes or Less or it’s Free, excluding Oakwood and New Thayer

Pepperoni Pizza

Sausage Pizza

Canadian Bacon Pizza

Pizza! Pizza!(Oops, this is not a Little Caesars Survey)

Any Combo of these that it would take printing another piece of paper that was obtained by felling a tree in Milford Natural Area to print


How satisfied were you with the quality of the food products?  1) Highly Satisfied  2) Somewhat Satisfied  3)  Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied  4) Somewhat Dissatisfied  5) Highly Dissatisfied

How satisfied were you with the temperature of your food?  1) Highly Satisfied  2) Somewhat Satisfied  3) Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied  4) Somewhat Dissatisfied  5) They use thermometers that aren’t Blue-Lite Specials at K-Mart, no?

How satisfied were you with the friendliness of the staff?  1) Highly Satisfied  2) Somewhat Satisfied  3) Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied  4) Somewhat Dissatisfied  5) I’ve seen friendlier from a slut who got terminated at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club because of too many absences even though the Union is taking it to arbitration

How long did take to receive your order?

0-5 Minutes

6-10 Minutes

11-18 Minutes

19-25 Minutes

26-32 Minutes

Longer than the last plot

Did you order dessert products(Bucket Blast Banana Split, Bucket Blizzard, Bucket Bundt Cake, Bucketmints, Bucketpuddin’, etc.)?  1) Yes  2) No  3) Didn’t have time-had to get back to the Golf Plot

How satisfied were you with the quality of the dessert products?  1) Highly Satisfied  2) Somewhat Satisfied  3) Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied  4) Somewhat Dissatisfied  5) Highly Dissatisfied

The Bucket car hops had Plumber’s Butt  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I think playing “Hot Rod Lincoln” 736 times on the jukebox during Milford Frog Follies was a bit excessive  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I would be satisfied if The Bucket were to transfer operations to Camp Swampy  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I think The Bucket and Milford Clay Oven(“The Taste of the Himalayas comes to Mudlarkland”) should exchange menus for 1 week  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I think if Milford Clay Oven were to shut down for 3 weeks by the Milford Health & Safety Board due to numerous safety hazards, The Bucket would be The Taste of the Himalayas  1) Strongly disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I’d rather eat at The Bucket than Frisch’s Big Boy because I have suspicions that Big Boy is transsexual  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3)  Neither Agree nor Disagree  4)  Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I’d rather eat at The Bucket than the Milford McDonald’s because there were rumors that Ronald McDonald had Red Books by Chairman Mao on his coffee table in his living room  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

Thank you for taking the time to complete the survey. Your promo code number to Buy One Bucket Liver Cheeseburger and Bucket Fries Combo Get One Free is 48576390768574636458693766012365774758569687784626486068462362364547575785839094589686858684002274659235765748347289. Call for any problems.


P3: “And Gil’s putt at Putt-Putt went THAT far off the hole. It’s a shame cuz he made the shot through the cannon without landing on the street.”


“BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS AIN’T A CONCERT HALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” as numerous tomatoes and ice cubes are hurled at Coach Shaw at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club. Mimi and the Pussycats are still cuttin’ a rug.

“Dear, you can’t sound like Django Reinhart the first time. The Jazz Guitar lessons take time.”

“And I heard the Milford UMC has a Chicken ‘n’ Grits Supper this Friday and I heard their organist has the flu. My summer ain’t entirely shot. I’ll get supplementary income somehow.”

“Sounds like a winner. C’mon, let’s have fun in bed.”

“Uhhhhhhh, where’s those Barney Kessel CD’s? I could use a little more practice.”


Gang, comment away. I’m going over to Milford Putt-Putt for the Pro-Am Tournament. There was a question when the ball didn’t clear the drawbridge in time how to execute the ball drop. Do you step on the petunias around the bridge? The debate still rages.


“Oh, SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! I lost track of the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to be at work in 15 minutes!!!!!!!!!!!! Gil, don’t you have bodyguard duty?”

“I’m off tonight.”

Well, can you water my daffodils? There’s a new dance routine we gotta learn tonight. We gotta get the Texas 2-Step down before the 1st show at 8.”


At Jerry’s Restaurant in Milford

“Help Coach Shaw find his sex life. His wife is on a deserted island wearing a tropical grass bikini with nothing but coconuts and Friday.”

July 18, 2018

Competing To Alienate Everyone


Guys and Gals, can I ask a (kinda) serious question?

What does it say that, of the Bader Family Trio, Ma Bader is the least functional and possibly most psychologically damaged?

I bet those frames don’t even have prescription lenses in them.

Edited to add Frank Zappa’s tribute to the imaginary journalistic profession, Packard Goose:

June 23, 2018

Lately, I’ve Been Thinking Too Much Lately


Oh, Thorpiverse, now stop it. Don’t blindside me with scenery and expect me to decipher it when it’s the weekend and I’m a recovering workaholic. And I haven’t gotten my cup of coffee yet from the neighborhood Taco Bell. Slow down, you’re goin’ too fast. You got to make the morning last.

I ain’t feelin’ groovy trying to set the record straight concerning the environs in P1. (Takes obligatory first swig of Taco Bell Maxwell House medium cup, spits it on the floor from microwave burns on the tongue.) We ARE in the Milford High School journalism room, Ms. Rizk taking a dump from the Buffalo Chicken Sandwich (with mayo and Louisiana Lightnin’ Hot Sauce) she ate at Wendy’s at the faculty lavoratory, and NOT in the second floor of the Milford Enquirer Complex.  Otherwise, Jimmy Olson and Lois Lane are in a useless conversation about Milford Athletics.

And evidently, Steve Luhm, when he’s not taking garbage to the dumpster at Milford High School, is running the buffer at 3:00 A.M. at the complex. You missed a spot, Steve. Yeah, right over there by the right desk leg. And you might wanna spray the place down with Roach-Pruf again. It has the Good Housekeeping Seal plus Paul Harvey adds it to his Folgers along with Coffee-Mate. And I found a roach running by one of the computers displaying an article on the Summer Modeling Show at Milford Fun ‘n’ Fashions.

Then in P2, there’s the Divine Miss Daffy interviewing Daddy Bader and this one’s pumpin’ up the volume, gang. Not sure how a high school rag that is Milford High School could turn her loose and subsequently watch her switch over to “Have you stopped beating your wife lately” questioning.

The COUP DE GRACE!!!!!! That pose Daddy Bader is displaying that is a facsimile of the one that one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence staged that appears on a 50′ x 74′ painting on a wall at your nearest neighborhood museum. Gang, I’ll allow you to insert your favorite Founding Father from the list of Signers of aforementioned Declaration. My money is on Benjamin Franklin but I’ll gladly accept Robert Morris, Samuel Adams, Richard Henry Lee, Button Gwinnett or any of the other 56 Signers in general. Yes, some of you might weigh in with Patrick Henry as Daddy Bader is just as vehement getting out of Sing Sing but, unfortunately, Henry wasn’t one of the Signers. Daddy Bader will have to select another statesman. And we better leave out Thomas Jefferson. He never went to prison and was a better writer than speaker. Plus he shaved every morning.

If ya wind up in prison because yore 4-wheel drive smashed into the meeting room where the Milford Women’s Christian Temperance Union Bar-B-Que Rally was being held and ya wuz 3 times over the limit, ya might be a redneck.

Gang, the title just came to me based upon the tete-a-tete between Lois and Jimmy in P1. And that David Allan Coe tune just won’t flush out of my head. Omigod, am I getting delusional? Will I wind up in a cell next to Daddy Bader? Well, at least I’ll know if he forgot to buy Gillette Atra at the Prison Canteen or if he’s just got a lot on his plate and shaving isn’t a priority. Give ’em to Daffy, Daddy Bader, if you’re not going to use them. They’re like a Poulan Weed-Eater for her hair.

“And Daffy sends a smash out to deep center. IT’S A GRAND SLAM!!!!!!! And the Mudlarks lead Oakwood, 11-0!!!!!!!!! That’s the third homer of the day for the journalist-3rd baseman. Man, Mimi must be using those batting machines at capacity. Daffy is just seeing watermelons up at the plate. Moose better be looking over his shoulder. And Coach T. better be taking notes from his wife. We have a pitching change for Oakwood so we’ll take a commercial break. This is Marty Moon with WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

In the locker room at Milford Athletic Club one day:

Coach Kaz, looking through his fuschia gym bag, is desperately seeking his Ben-Gay. He’s combed through  it twice and all he finds is his 2x Large jock strap, stop watch, Holiday Inn towel, Wal-Mart wash cloth, comb, earring extractor, Lava, Johnson’s No-More-Cryin’-Like-A-Wimp Shampoo, mail order blow dryer, but no Ben-Gay.

Coach Shaw, fresh from a victory against Mark Trail in handball, inquires “What’s up, Kaz?”

“Aw, dammit, I can’t find my Ben-Gay.”

“Are you still using that sissy stuff? Bubba, you’re gonna smell like a candy cane when you go back to teach class.”

“Shaw, I gotta put something on my back muscles. You know how edgy I get when I feel like I’m constipated and I don’t have time to make it to Milford 7-11 to buy a $5.00 tube before my Intermediate Badminton class.”

“Kaz, you need to try Sportscreme. It has an active ingredient, thenobizonol-acetylate-disulfide-bicarbonate-soda that kills that Ben-Gay odor and soothes and massages your muscles better ‘n’ a vibrator.”

“Okay, so it’ll keep me limber and loose. But you sure I’m not going to overpower my class with that mediciney smell?”

“Bubba, I killed a skunk out in Milford Fish & Wildlife Area and later stuck a Sportscreme tube straight up its butt and gave it a good enema before I had to clean out its innards. Sportscreme snuffed out the stink dead in its tracks. Man, that was some good eatin’ later on, not having to chew the meat with that stench up my nostrils.”

Later, in Dr. Pearl’s office for Kaz’s annual teacher evaluation

“No workout today?”

“Yes, I was pumpin’ iron all morning with special emphasis on my pecs. Why?”

“You usually smell like Ben-Gay.”

“Not any more. The smell went in the same cell as Daddy Bader.”

“Wonderful!!!!! Now, Coach, we think you should use more visual aids in your Lifetime Bowling class…”

Gang, it’s your turn. I am still wondering how Stevie Ray Vaughan wound up in prison but maybe I’m getting old, I don’t know. Anyway, you Guys rock.

“I know no North nor South nor East nor West…”

“Warden, I’m adding 5 years onto his sentence. He keeps insisting he’s Henry Clay.”

June 6, 2018

Frost/Nixon This Isn’t


Barry probably should’ve taken one of his mom’s Ativans before this interview.

Speaking of, did Ma Bader ever even come back with DD’s diet soda, er, ice water? The depictions of single moms in this strip, with the possible exception of Judge Hiatt,* are almost uniformly negative. What gives I wonder?

That said, I question why DD is leaning in in panel two and then throws BB a lifeline.

Bonus points:

P1: Rare double exploding eyeballs.

P2: Do the kids these days still use notebooks? Do the reporters?

P3: “Everyone thinks you’re a jerk. Do you think you’ve become more of a jerk?”

* As Billy points out Judge Hiatt is not actually single, which I think bolsters my point.

March 27, 2018

“Live from Milford!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s Saturday Night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”



Is this even GIL THORP anymore?

In name only, at this juncture, as we’re not only running late with basketball but, all we’ve seen the last couple of weeks essentially is Ben Hur fending off the other ancient Mudlarks in the chariot races at the Milford Colosseum. Will the Coneheads be at Homecoming? And now we’re forced to endure Marty and any enemy Gil has had to stomach the last, say, 50 years, caught as the victims of the Milford Lion Carnage Festival. That one was originally run at the Jerry Pulver Student & Athletic Life Center at Milford High School before they moved it, now also at the M’ford Colosseum due to logistics problems. Storing lions in the visitors locker room got to be a hassle.

And nobody appreciates good comedy more than me. I grew up on Fernwood 2 Night and laughed until I was sick, they were so funny. But when I want to listen to my favorite team, high school, college, or pro, I’M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR BARTH GIMBLE TO PERFORM HIS COMEDY SPIEL FOR 4 QUARTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, if you like Steve Martin doing his King Tut rendition(“Born in Babylona, raised a Milford Mudlark, KING TUT”) on the radio while you’re cruising the streets of Milford, more power to you but SOME OF US DO WANT TO KNOW THE FINAL SCORE!!!!!!!!  And now the coup-de-grace is this parrot on Ernie’s shoulder. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’m only imagining the trade at the Milford Pawn Shop. Yeah, he squawks great, here’s the 1975 Boys Basketball State Championship trophy plus a couple of Lady Mudlarks Holiday Tournament plaques. He’s been spayed and had all his shots, right?

“Well, I’m a ramblin’, a ramblin’ guy, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, OH NOOOOOOOO.”

“BOOM BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Way to feed the color man off the play-by-play. That’ll win an Emmy for sure.

If you work for Captain Kidd after being shanghai’d from the Caribbean and are inevitably forced to walk the plank because you were stricken with excess plumber’s butt while loadin’ the cannon, ya might be a redneck.

Many out of our commentators have expressed a legitimate concern about Jorge and Paloma disappearing off the strip. I believe Jorge is still on the basketball team so we’re safe there. He didn’t transfer to Oakwood nor opt for the NBA Draft. But while this stand-up comedy routine with the basketball game for dessert overshadowed our original cast, WHAT DID happen to Paloma? You would HOPE she played more basketball, they need her controlled assertiveness but, gang, I’m not holding my breath. I think I know.

At The Bucket one afternoon:

Paloma and her friends engage in some vigorous gossip about all the boys in the school over cheeseburgers and shakes. Not one has escaped crucifixion.

SUDDENLY, 2 male adults with funny accents swagger into The Bucket. The Festrunks have arrived in Milford at last.

“Oh my God. Look at those dweebs. Was their grandma on meth when she knit their pants?”

These 2 swingin’ guys pass on Dr. Pearl in the corner booth, because a woman that uses Super Poligrip, Zinc Free, to eat a Double Bucket Burger, extra horseradish but no mayo, is not in their future. They hone in their panoramic view towards Paloma & The Gang.


They come sidling over to the table while Paloma and her cohorts push the panic button. The anti-dweeb meter is spinning so out of control, it’s produced 5 Bucket Brigade Blueberry Smoothies. Karina is about to throw her Patty Melt Bucket De Luxe at them but a tablemate grabs her wrist.

Anonymous Calculus Dude steps in.

“Are these guys giving you any trouble?”   The Bucket’s afternoon manager intervenes in the nick of time and steps in front of ACD. The latter was in the next booth, in the middle of devouring his Bucket Catch of the Day Catfish-Platter-and-Buffalo-Fries Combo(tartar sauce extra).

“Sir, it’s OK, I’ll handle this. Just have a seat and cool off. All right, gentlemen, no idea what country you’re from or who you are but take a seat and order or there’s the door.”

“Yortuk, he doesn’t know who we are? We showed them our Green Cards at the Milford Town Hall.”

“Hey, Georg, we’re in America. There’s no Bucket in Bratislava. We got to put our best foot forward.”

Together they proudly proclaim, “We’re 2 wild ‘n’ CRA-ZEE GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Paloma resists Georg’s advances. They finally sit down at the next booth and order the Bucket Borscht Supreme. There will be another time, as long as the Milford City Clerk grants an extension on their Green Cards.

Jerry Hubbard, the color man for Marty Moon on WDIG “We have to take a station break, this is the Milford Basketball Network on WDIG”, the Fernwood 2 Night theme song helping the broadcast get to break.

At 10:25PM, MST (Mudlark Standard Time), on a random evening at Coach Shaw’s Ranch-style abode, in his bedroom

“Whew!!!! Dear, I snarfed too many barbecued-iguanas-on-a-stick. I GOT  to dump a load. I’ll be right back.”

“I’ll be waiting, honey”, she responds, anticipating THE MOMENT.

3 hours later

Knock, knock. “Honey, are you okay? Do you want me to run down to Walgreen’s to get some Pepto-Bismol?”

“Nah, Dear, I just got done fixing the flotation device in the commode. I had to use my best crescent wrench to screw it back in. My ball-peen hammer was broken.”

“But, Honey, you left your toolbox in the trunk of the car you dropped off at the shop.”

“Bluh, bluh, er, um, yeah, well, I, uh, stuck a couple of tools behind the stack of Holiday Inn towels in the closet. I had to hammer the bathtub back in its socket which is how I broke the hammer. It was a dogfight, but no more sliding like you’re in the soap box derby.”

“Fine, it’s time to come to bed. You haven’t touched me all night.”

“Hang on, I gotta jolt the shower head back in place. It looks kinda crooked. Daggone it, where’s the sledge hammer?Oh, here it is, under the blow dryer. Don’t you worry, I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Honey, the shower head always bends like that. They’re made to be adjustable.”

“That was me a couple of years ago. I just couldn’t tell my wife about my little wiener on a toothpick that I had in my britches. The kids on the football team noticed that there was something wrong. One of them even handed me a copy of “Our Daily Bread”. Were it only that simple. But thanks to the Milford Men’s Clinic, I am a new man. My Erectile Dysfunction is cured and I can cameo coach the kids AND approach the bed, BOTH with confidence. I even kept the copy for new found inspiration. Stop by the Milford Men’s Clinic today. IT WORKS!!!!!!!

My final (again, reluctantly speaking) Women’s History Month entry goes to Elena Delle Donne. She is a VERY gifted basketball player who originally signed with Connecticut, a storied program in its own right, but left after only a few days. She eventually transferred to Delaware and became a major force with the Blue Hens dominating their conference and beating a few powerhouse teams along the way. Attendance naturally grew to the point where former Vice President Joe Biden was smack dab in the middle of Blue Hen Nation. Delle Donne has been a major factor in the growth of Women’s Basketball, her Jordan moves, her jaw-dropping shots, her clutch performances all promoting the sport she dearly loves. She picked up where she left off in the WNBA and has given the League solid footing from which to build. It only takes a spark to get a fire going and she’s been more than a spark for the WNBA. Please spread the word that Women’s Sports deserve a place in the scheme of things and Delle Donne has certainly done her part. Thanks for reading.

Gang, you may fire when ready. I need to go early if I want a front row seat, me and a few of my fellow hecklers are pumped for action even if it’s not basketball action. Price you pay.

March 21, 2018

Six Months After Maria


The above is asinine.

The below is infuriating.


February 7, 2018

Do The Padilla’s Speak English At Home?

Filed under: ?, lessons learned, Neal's friends, What the hell is going on here? — timbuys @ 8:52 am


P1: Said no teens ever.

P2: You know, because they don’t have representative government in our home country.

P3: I no-a speak-a da idiomatic-a Ingles-a, Karina, mi amiga. Como se dice ‘blow you off’?

Neutral points: Not gonna google Karina Hartley, token libertarian.

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