Rock Around the (Poor) Clock (Management)

WDIG Newsflash: This just in: As a gesture to honor the memory of the late Bull Bushka, Milford High to change the nickname of its football team from the Mudlarks to the Scapegoats… Wait, what’s that?… They’re only giving that nickname to their backup running back? Never mind. Back to our regularly scheduled broadcast.

Geez, good thing Rubin remembered to give us the score yesterday, a week and a half into this game. We never saw any scoring plays so how we got to 19-14 is anybody’s guess. We also never saw Gil burn through all of his second half timeouts, or implement the game plan for the second-string running back to get the ball on every play.  He might have had Schuring look a little further downfield on fourth and long, but maybe Charlie saw Gabe Salazar overrule Gil’s play call in the huddle and thought he’d do the same thing.

No matter. Charlie missed it by that much and now that the Tilden game is over, the blame game can begin.

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“…Charlie The Roh Down To The 15!!!!!! The 10!!!!! The 5!!!!! Touchdown…”

You old-timers will remember the Happy Days episode, (I mean this one was OLD because the intro was “Rock Around The Clock” by Bill Haley & The Comets, not the “These days are ourrrrrrsssss, those Happy Days” opening”), where Richie Cunningham is working as an errand boy at this radio station and this hot shot DJ is in a dispute with the station manager over his pay. Eventually the DJ walks out, even after putting on a ridiculous showboating exhibition to prove he’s worth more money. The station manager, the same guy who played The Maytag Man in the Maytag commercials, yanks Richie from his sweeping job around the studio and puts him on the air. Of course, he’s stumbling at first, but then develops more confidence as he settles into the job. This eventually leads to his new identity, Richie the C. And, boy, he just goes to town with it. Had to have been there.
Therefore, as long as we’re going to get ridiculous and have Chance on crutches after snuffing out Godzilla when the Japanese film company should have sent Godzilla back in the ocean, cave, polar ice cap, the boys toilet at Milford Elementary, etc., we might as well introduce Charlie the Roh and display his bag of tricks. What have we got to lose? The plot’s stalling anyway.

“Oh nooooooooooo, Chance is defecting and heading over to Tod Andrews’ team!!!!!!!”
“Shit!!!!!!!!!!!! He’ll be stuck in that time warp like Tod was 30 years ago!!!!!!
Can you get the scriptwriter on the headset?”
“No, he took a personal day and is at The Bucket celebrating his grandkids’ birthday, Gil.”
“You don’t take a personal day on a coaching staff”
“Comic strip union rules, Coach.”
“DAMN. Where’s Charlie?????????”

In Gil’s personal water closet at his office
SHEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEE, What did Coach have for lunch at the cafeteria??????? No wonder why there’s no roaches. That stench works better than Raid!!!!!! Oh, well, this mop oughta get rid of some of the residue in the commode-”
ROH!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET YOUR HELMET AND BE READY TO CHECK IN!!!!!!!!!!!! ON THE DOUBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Late one night, after Grandma Macy reads Chance a bedtime story (“Rumpelstiltsken”)

“Now go to sleep. It was just a nightmare yesterday. I don’t know why Marty would be walking the streets of Milford, carrying an open casket of Dr.Pearl’s great-grandmother. I’m sure the way you describe it, she looked like a California Raisin that had suntanned too long but let’s close ours eyes and think happpy thoughts. Like when you body-slammed #53 on USWA Wrestling Saturday morning and won the Southern Tag Title from him and Freezer Thompson. Your tag partner, Jerry Lawler, bear-hugging you should send you right back to La La Land…”

Grandma Macy turns off the light

Suddenly, by the poster of Dominique Wilkins flushing on Hank Finkel in the 1987 Playoffs

BOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Ok, so Charlie the Roh and Richie the C will not have to clean out Coach Shaw’s garage. Good thing, cuz there were a lot of National Geographic’s and Penthouse’s to sort through. Charlie the Roh can concentrate on nabbing Discovery One before it heads off to Jupiter. Richie the the C can call the game whenever Marty the Moon has to take a leak behind the booth. I just hope nobody’s down below.

And Chet will enter the discussion before too long. After all, when Richie the C was bombing out because he got Coach Thorp’s hair mixed up with Waylon Jennings’ pompadour, Richie the C needed reassuring

“Ladies and gentlemen, Gil is bombing out singing ‘Luekenback, Texas. That’s WAYLON??????? Oh my goodness, I better cut to a commercial break and slash my throat. Then have a heart-to-heart talk tonight with my dad like I have for 500 episodes. You’re listening to WDIG and this is Richie the C…”

Mr. C. will be there to console Richie in his room and make sure no razor-sharp spheres will fly out of the closet.

“Honey, he’s bombing out!!!!!!!! That’s the 3rd time they’ve cut him off at the line of scrimmage!!!!!!!”
“Oh, Chet. Not to worry. Gil has the situation well in hand. Gil’s the coach, you know.”
HOT DOGS PEANUTS CRAAAAAA-CKER JACK
“Oh, Mr.Vendor, gimme a foot-long!!!!!!!!! And he’s bombing out!!!!!!!!!!!!”

If ya shoot at Dis-kuv-eree One, thinkin’ it’s a Royal Canadian Snow Goose that got sidetracked on its way to Hudson Bay and it plops in your motorboat but ya still take ‘er to the taxee-dermist anyhoo cuz ya like how it looks on yore wall in the den, mountin’ the lite bulb of Hal 9400 next ta thet jaguar ya shot with only two shells in Bolivia, ya might be a redneck.

Now that the action is hot and heavy, will somebody tell Thorpiverse that Marty Moon is not Charlie Chan incarnate? Granted, this whole damn mystery wrapped inside of an enigma is getting to bea mystery but let’s let some sunlight in Marty’s eyes. Wouldn’t want him to ruin his retinas while Charlie the Roh is rippin’ long one.

Ah, but therein lies the problem and reveals Marty’s raison d’etre. A doubting Thomas wrapped in a bitchin’ booster who draws a paycheck because he embodies 5his persona in front of a microphone. Sorta like Pat Robertson railing against Satan while pretending to be Monty Hall. Let’s Make a Deal a hybrid with The 700 Club.

“Pat, I’ll give you $500 and what’s behind Door #3 if you’ll call off the deal and give me your soul.”

Ahhhhhhhhh, I went a little off the deep end but I think you grasp the concept.

One day in Gil’s office
“Tiki, it was just a bad dream. That cafeteria pepperoni pizza has been giving everybody weird dreams. No way was Tall Man toting a casket with my wife in it out of Hooverville. And Tall Man has a restraining order from the Milford Circuit while you’re staying at the Flemings. Relax.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

“Tall Man, how many times have I got to tell you to flush???? If you’re going to use my toilet, I’d appreciate it if you’d use Renuzit Raspberry. Tired of hearin’ it from Home Ec class down the hallway. And that’s the 5th roll you’ve used up!!!!!!! How many burritos did you eat at lunch??????”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Richie The C Forced To Eat Bucket Fried Crow After Coach Kaz Gives Thumbs Down On Show!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I wouldn’t even dance to ‘Hot for Teacher and that’s my favorite song. Play it all the time during football scrimmage. Richie the C has gotten the big head.”

Okay, so you old-timers know what I’m talking about. Fonzie gave the thumbs down after Richie the C became Richie the Gil after his rising success was causing R the G to be a jerk.

But Charlie the Roh has to hit those holes if he’s ever giing to lead the Hit Parade on the dance floor at The Bucket. Nope, can’t spin “Boogie Wonderland” by Earth Wind & Fire if you can’t turn a 3-and-2 into a 70-yard sprint the way Chance does. Learn the moves of Barry Sanders, THEN be unable to fit through the janitor’s closet at The Bucket because of your enhanced ego and not even get your grandma to dance The Charleston while Eric Clapton’s “Tangled in Love” is on the turntable. First things first.

Remember when Potsie and Richie the C tried to get into this strip joint using fake ID’s? Weellllll

As Booby and Tiki step into the Milford Beverage Warehouse, nervous as Hell, the “Phantasm” theme playing mellifluosly after Hank Williams’ “Settin’ the Woods on Fire” got the Jose Cuervo buyers going in line in checkout lane #3

“You sure the Milford Printing Shoppe said they would go over with the clerk?”
“Like we just punched out of our shift at Milford Foundry.And they said the lamination was durable. They use recycled plastic from Mudlar-K-Cola 20 oz. plastic bottles.”
“Here we go. You got your Michelob Dark?”
” Yup. Got your Jack and Harley-Davidson Full-Flavored Menthols Crush-Proof 100 L-, damn, I know the Warehouse is getting desperate for new-hires and I know their Major Medical benefits package just isn’t enou-”
BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

And if this is isn’t a set-up for the obvious. Charlie Chan virtually saying that Clark Kent should have re-entered the battle at Gettysburg because he and Daniel Sickles would have torn through Pickett’s Charge with both legs blown off while George McClellan Roh would have rested his horses. No wonder why Lincoln asked the latter “Would you tell me what this plot has done lately that has fatigued the Mudlarks or horses of ANYTHING?” Lincoln was right. Thorpiverse is an admirable engineer but it has a special talent for the stationary engine.
Chance looks pretty inert in P3.

Which affords the opportunity for Charlie the Roh to pull a Richie the C on us. That’s right, again it’s pretty obvious. Charlie the Roh will run for 2000 yards, score 30 touchdowns, then sit at the teacher’s table at the cafeteria, eat Twinkies and hamburgers and tater tots with the teachers because he thinks he’s better than his peers. The students and parents, led by The Fonz, will refuse to come to the game, won’t even dignify his arrogance with those placards written in Cyrillic (“Beat Oakwood-They’re a buncha nuts” in the Serbo-Croat cheering section, oh my) .
These last 2 panels are just expressing themselves, aren’t they?

All right, Gang. It’s all yours. I apologize, I have been on the run all day for my dad. Now I know what Chance is running, er, going through.

“Oh, Howard, he’s bombing out. Somebody needs to hold his hand and tell he’ll do better in the future. That’s no way to tell him YOU SUCK. That fan needs to pull up his britches before the Milford Police arrives.”

“Marion, Richie’s holding his own. He has the Mudlarks eating out of his hand.”

“I was talking about Coach Thorp, Howard.”

“Okay, Jaime, time to go to bed. Tomorrow, I’ll teach you how to address the ball. Turn off your tape player and go to bed.”
“Let me finish this song after I get in my Underoos, Daddy. It’s overtime.”
Gil, realizing touche when he hears it, goes to the fridge for another Schlitz

“…you be daffy and I’ll be dilly,
we’ll go have 2 bowls of chili-”

BOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

…And Then Maybe Show Us

We are still at Tilden and we must now, once again, see the performance of Charlie Roh from the perspective of overly invested stepfather Chet Ballard. Does panel 3 indicate that Charlie has succeed in carrying the ball or is Chet just congratulating him for getting out on the field?

There are always questions left unanswered. Will we circle back to Chance Macy and why his parents (or grandparents?) expressed some concern when the cheap shots started flying?

I love Chet’s very precisely constructed turtleneck. It reminds me of those Star Fleet uniforms from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

 

Cheap shot artists

In P1 I find it odd that the Tilden sign in background doesnt fit the yellow background. Its as if they made the background first and realized 6 big letters cant fit inside it. I dont know why there are big trees where the opposing stands should be.. I see stands to the far right but how long is the field if the stands are that far away? And where are the sideline personnel ( players, coaches, trainers, yard marker holders) Way too few people in the shot for it to be realistic.

P2 is ok, but P3 has Chances parents just now discovering that their son is involved in a skirmish? They both need new glasses if they didnt see the long sideline run by Chance followed by the late hit and subsequent takedown.

I would think there should be offsetting penalties for unsportsmanlike conduct meated out by the refs. Anything else should draw the ire of Gil and initiate another life lesson afterward.

 

The Bully That Won’t Stay Dead.

Hey, Oh boy, we’re getting into the Friday the 13th version of the plot where Jason Voorhees apparently didn’t learn his lesson and comes out of perdition, Hades, the cemetery, etc., to terrorize the Milford Mudlarks for, oh, another 15 sequels, give or take a throat-slashing of Coach Shaw or Gil’s hair being set ablaze with Match-Lite Fluid and rubbing some sticks (gotta make the terror and torture SLOW, y’know. We oughta know, we’ve been tortured observing that Everly Brothers coif for 60 years) . Doncha just love it when Freddy Krueger kicks the running back in the crotch, the Bruiser from Milford retaliates with a machete to chop off Freddy’s head, the head gets carried off the field on a stretcher, we readers thinking we’ll have FOOTBALL the rest of the game AND the season in general but, nope, Freddy returns in the 4th quarter to stop the game-winning field goal by using an ax to the kicker’s leg?

And where is Gil in all this slash-and-burning? I’ve never been one for terror movies but I know if you want SOMEONE to play the stooge who tries to in vain prevent Jason from running rampant with the knives, that stooge has to be IN THE MOVIE. It’s like Jason given free rein to hacksaw people with no restraints, no resistance. But that’s what’s happening here.

“Gil, you know #53 went after Chance’s nuts?”

“I’m sorry, I just got back from vacation. We’ll talk tomorrow. Those post cards from Cancun are priceless. And wait’ll you see the Mayan ruins. I didn’t know they had microwaves in their civilization.”

Freddy Krueger chopping up the town of Milford with no police to stop him, for 21 sequels? Only in Thorpiverse.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Withstands Onslaught By Freddy Krueger, Uses Bucket Burgers To Satisfy Taste For Gore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I thought it was my landlord at first, but damn, I’m paid on my condo the next 3 months.”

Friday the 13th 17: The Year Jason Arises From The Mausoleum And Actually Starts Coaching!!!!!!!!!”

Girls, I’d be clinging to my boyfriend on this one.

And if it’s not bad enough that this idiot didn’t learn his lesson after being knocked for a loop, Tattoo throws the flag into P1 to signal his disapproval. Oh, I can imagine this Fantasy Island episode

“Mr. Roarke, Chance Macy has just arrived.”

“Very good, Tattoo. Show him to his quarters. I’m sure he will find his stay here most auspicious.”

“Do you still want to use that goal post we smuggled in Milford?”

“Yes, of course. And be careful that our guests do not carelessly look in on the replica of the Mudlark girls gym.”

“Oh, that shouldn’t be a problem, Mr. Roarke. Nobody went to the girls gym anyway. Nobody complained about any action while it was on the island.”

“Very well. Show Chance to the football field. We should have a REAL coach ready to lead him to the path of achievement, an accomplishment that should prove most noteworthy for Mr. Macy.”

“And if Freddy Krueger comes along and chops off Chance’s scalp in the end zone after he scores the game-winning TD, I promise to throw the flag way into Herb Woodley’s house for a late hit.”

“You are most hospitable to our guests, Tattoo.”

 

One day in the Bumstead household

DING DONG

“Dagwood!!!!!!!!!!! Someone’s at the front door!!!!!!!”

Dagwood, arising from his slumber from the couch he bought at Gil’s yard sale last year, heads to the door

“Herb!!!! What can I do for you?”

“Dagwood, is this YOURS?”

 

If ya git fined $500 by the Fish and Wildlife Offi-shul cuz ya sprayed too much buckshot into the 8-point cuz it wuz still kickin’ nd ya had ta violate the rules by shootin’ a couple of arrows when the prey was in someone’s back yard, the deer dyin’ gittin’ doused by the water sprinkler, but ya still ate the critter that night, shotgun shells and all, ya might be a redneck.

 

Now playing this week at Milford MegaCineplex

“Nightmare on Elm Street: The Year Freddy Rips Off Coach Kaz’s Earring And Wears It On His Nose For His Birthday.”

“Friday the 13th 21: Jason Throws The Flag And Decapitates Ms. Rizk While She’s Typing.”

A double feature, yeah, buddy. I understand that there’s Matinee Sunday. Bring your church program and you can watch both of these for the price of one, free bucket of popcorn included, butter extra (gotta make money somewhere, I reckon) . I know I’ll be answering the altar call this Sunday to “Just As I Am” at Milford Interdenominational Fellowship.

Now showing at the Milford VFW Post #56, Ladies Night

“Nightmare on Elm Street: Chance Finally Bludgeons Freddy With His Helmet, Charlie Roh Enters The Game”

We are about to learn about Chance’s past, given the outburst that he is inflicting on The Bully That Recurs Every Full Moon. No doubt, there’s going to be repurcussions of some kind and I wouldn’t be surprised if Roh, indeed, enters the scheme of things. If that’s the case, well, I’ve always wondered what would happen if Roh WASN’T ready while they’re reading the Tilden player’s last rites and puttin’ the cuffs on Chance, not that I blame Chance. 60 years of late hits and saying your mother is in the cell next to Papa Bader CAN build up. Now Chance know what us readers go through. Did you ever get blind-sided by the Gatorade cooler by bad plots?

Anyway

“Roh!!!!!!!!!! You’re in for Macy!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Hold on, Coach!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t find my jock strap. It was laying on the bench SOMEWHERE.”

Or

“Where’s Gil?”

“I dunno. Last I saw him, he was in The Family Circus going to the store to buy Purina for Barfy.”

“That’s Billy’s Dolly’s Jeffy’s P.J.’s job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have a fourth-and-goal situation on the 1-yard line and we need to know whether to send in Roh on short yardage.”

“Hell, Chet took him to Mudlark Lake Refuge to go huntin’.”

Like coach, like player.

Anyway, tune in tomorrow, same Gil channel, same Gil time for the conclusion, or lack thereof, of this Revenge of Norman Bates.

Couldn’t he just have stabbed the Tilden player in the shower? Why wait until the game?

 

Friday the 13th 32: Gil Hacks Jason With A Poulan When Jason Attacks Mimi’s Schedule!!!!

 

“And this time, I think Freddy will leave Chance alone. Freddy is going back to the huddle, licking his wounds. Man, those blades have to be sharp. Time out is called out on the field with the score, Milford 20, Tilden 7. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Have you had trouble recently with Jason coming into your household? Did he skewer Grandma and Grandpa at Thanksgiving? Was Aunt Bertha a replacement for the pig at the Thorp Family Reunion, apple included?

Hello, this is Dr. Pearl for Milford Funeral Solutions and if you’re like me, you worry if Barnabas Collins can break through the coffin and arise out of Milford Generic Cemetery and start feasting at Milford High School Annual Picnic.

Let me put your fears aside as Milford Funeral Solutions has installed the latest technology to deal with any Jason that needs to sleep in the Batesville casket where he belongs. The fine people at MFS have installed Sonitrol Wiring Systems under the reposing arms of the dear departed and securely fastened them to the pillows as extra security to ensure no unnecessary resurrections will transpire and interrupt the Easter Egg Hunt at Milford Day Care. An activation switch, the Hewlett-Packard F1000, is the best in the business and guards against Jason writing his own script and terrorizing once again the streets of Milford.

And with the casket made of solid pin oak that is grown at Milford Nursery, Jason will find himself trapped by the same item that produces acorns for the animals to feed. Doesn’t it give you peace of mind knowing that Jason is up to his derriere in acorn shells and trapped by the same? The lid is then sealed by tungsten handles that only that hideous idiot from ‘Phantasm’ can open. But he’s dead too and won’t be at your next Fourth of July Fireworks Extravaganza.

Let’s face it, when my sister died during the War of the Roses, I didn’t expect for her to come looking for me with a lance. I was not going to be pierced and somebody shouting ‘Vive le Revolution!!!!!!!!’ because the MFS personnel, in conjunction with the Milford Police and Sonitrol, have coordinated efforts to prevent tragic renewals from occuring. Harry Houdini will not choke my grandchildren with a chain before the alarm goes off. Nice to know Starsky and Hutch will be at my house to send Houdini back to his tombstone.

Come see for yourself and see why Milford Funeral Solutions is #1 in customer satisfaction. Freddy Krueger will just have to go terrorize Gilligan’s Island. At Milford Funeral Solutions, the customer is always right and 6 feet under.”

Go for it, Gang. But Ruh Roh, the times, they are a-changin’.

 

LOOK de plane de plane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Tattoo, is that Mr. Thorp and his wife AGAIN???? That’s the 7th trip in the last 6 months. We have to let the sod settle before he can fulfill his fantasy on the gridiron.”

Knocked Him Back 11

Damn, Gabe Salazar hit Tilden #53 so hard he turned the double sixes on his jersey into double fives! (Tearaway numbers, perhaps?) Still that doesn’t stop #53’s jawing; it’s a wonder he can see who he’s jawing at with that helmet slammed down so far over his eyes. Between calling the audible and mouthing off at the opponent, Gil has lost control of Gabe. Usually that results in a benching followed by the Mudlarks quickly packing in their season but hey, this show must go on at least for the remainder of this game.

Any momentum Milford had will soon be swept away when dirty #53 takes a dive at Chance Macy. No doubt Chance will be injured severely enough for Charlie Roh to come off the bench and replace him. No doubt, too, that whatever Charlie does or doesn’t do will be met with some passive-aggressive criticism from chirpy Chet Ballard, who will direct that passive aggression toward Gil. Careful, Chet: unless your name is Marty Moon, everyone from Hobart to Wildcat Maris to B/Robby Howry who takes on the Gilfather eventually gets banished to the cornfield.

 

I Think, Therefore I Cheap-shot.

Nobody is ever going to accuse Gil of running a tight ship. When the play calls for a draw but the Tilden safety said something about the wide receiver’s mother, the Mudlark 11 can always call an audible so that the wide receiver can run a fly and run to the end zone and if he doesn’t catch the TD pass, he can at least use the goalpost stand as a turnbuckle. No, he didn’t get the game-winning score but Jerry Lawler got his Southern Tag Team Belt back that way. Coach, the Mouth of the South questioned my manhood. I had to throw him through the ropes. It’s a guy thing. You understand, of course.

Then we will also explore all the ways to conjugate “Cheap-shot.” Betcha you didn’t there are many ways to skin a cat. No really, when Descartes was expressing himself in Latin, when he wasn’t busy inventing the x-y graph, he was expanding the frontiers of our vocabulary. Just listen

Cogito, ergo Cheap-shatum

Isn’t that just mellifluous? Doesn’t that just make you wanna run to the Milford 5 & 10 and get the latest copy of Wheelock’s Latin? I understand they’re running a 2-for-1 special. Better hurry. This Latin classic and Lassie Levels Rin-Tin-Tin On The Porch is going like hot cakes. I know I’ve reserved my copy.

“Lassie, did you chase Marmaduke out of the neighborhood? I know he called you a dog.”

WOOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was Ruff. Where was Dennis the Menace?”

WOOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Over at Mr. Wilson’s house? What was he doing over there?”

WOOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Skinny-dipping in his pool? I didn’t know that Mr. Wilson built one in his back yard.”

WOOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“And Ruff said you look like you are hunching a fire hydrant every time you dog-paddle? Yeah, I guess I would have bitten his butt too. Good girl.”

 

If ya “accidentally” turn the wrong way when ya say “pull” and aim yore shotgun at a guy’s butt hangin’ outta his Levi’s instead of the clay pigeon at the Milford Con-ser-va-shun Club Turkey Shoot and ya didn’t git a 10-pound turkey with Stove-top Stuffin’ but ya went true on all his pimples in his crack cuz the dude said yore in-bred in-law needs ta settle up at the County Clerk and make it offi-shul, ya might be a redneck.

 

I used to officiate City League basketball games and one of my officiating partners, a good friend of mine, had a daughter who was married to a college basketball player. It wouldn’t be fair to tell who the coach was but the reason why this player transferred from this coach’s program, a major DI school in one of the better conferences, was because one day the coach called for a huddle and said

“Okay, gentlemen, we’re gonna run this play!!!!!!!!!”

And one of the players in the huddle calls out

“No way, go to Hell, Coach, we ain’t runnin’ that play!!!!!!!!!!”

Needless to say, this player wound up in a program where the coach was runnin’ the show.

And that’s what galls me in P1. Can’t you just SEE this one

“Okay, Guys, we got ’em where we want ’em. First-and-goal on the 2-yard line. We’re gonna do a double reverse left. We’ve run that play on Tilden for 60 years and they still haven’t figured it out yet.”

Gabe Salazar, adjusting his jock strap, getting the fleas out of his butt

“NAW, COACH, Go to Hell!!!!!!!!!! You’re just a sorry-ass comic-strip coach anyway. We’re doin’ an off-tackle right cuz the Tilden guys have a bunch of wienies, according to the on-going script anyway, and one of ’em said we only play teams that’d show up on The Brady Bunch!!!!!!!!!! I’m gonna level Greg Brady into the next county!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Mudlarks Win On Last-Second Field Goal!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I told Coach Kaz that if we pulled off that slant left one more time that we were going to meet behind the dumpster.”

 

And really, this whole conjugation thing, Latin or no Latin, wouldn’t have transpired if the Tilden player had just shut his mouth. But Gang, look at it as an opportunity. They haven’t shut their traps in 60 years anyway and if people want the strip to continue, do you REALLY expect the Tilden nose tackle to invite all the Mudlarks over for tea at the nose tackle’s abode? It might never happen (not really) but I entertained the notion because Tiki didn’t have a place for tea for a while. Hard to fellowship over Earl Grey in Hooverville.

ANYWAY, let’s explore the conjugation of cheap-shot when you decline it in the future pluperfect indicative

I will have had cheap-shotted Steve Luhm because he forgot again to put toilet paper rolls in the Port-o-Lets at the game. It was no fun using my football program to wipe.

You will have had cheap-shotted Luhm because he could have at least emptied the containers. the stench had reached Tilden.

He will have had cheap-shotted the refs when the Tilden player cheap-shotted Chance Macy and the refs cheap-shotted Coach Thorp with a 15-yard unsportsmanlike penalty.

We will have had cheap-shotted this plot by shifting our attention to Nancy and Sluggo.

They will have had cheap-shotted Coach Shaw for going on another sabbatical when Chance Macy is hitting his stride. This will not have had cheap-shotted any surprise but for once you’d like Coach Shaw to be there for the Championship ceremonies.

 

And as long as Gabe “Coach de facto” Salazar is wearing the headset because Gil wiped his butt with his own cuz Luhm forgot to install Charmin, could we have had at least cheap-shotted (i.e., removed)  those Lego blocks that shine at the most inopportune time? Nothing is more annoying than watching one of the players take charge when those rays of Toys ‘R’ Us are beaming on Mutiny on the Bounty. I am a horrible artist (my niece is the one that can draw, trust me, several exhibits along the Esplanade in our city attests to that) but, damn, I can draw a square with circles in it and draw rays (A line emanating from one point in a particular direction infinitely, in case you forgot your geometry) in all directions from that square full of circles. If this particular figure ever shows up at the Transfiguration, I’m changing Bibles.

And then we get to the gerundive case. Perfect (pardon the pun) for what’s happening in P3 (Gabe will have had humped the Tilden player on the 1-yard line.) . Heck, the verb in its proper form has already been supplied, all you have to do is fill in the details.

I am cheap-shotting this abysmal plot and anticipating basketball in the future indicative, er, future.

You are cheap-shotting Gabe and telling him STFU and be respecting his elders (2 for the price of one) .

He is cheap-shotting Gil’s hair. It is in dire need of Prell this time, not VO5.

We are cheap-shotting Mimi because all she does is have verandah chats and coach 5-game basketball seasons.

They are cheap-shotting the girls basketball season because there WAS no season last year. Mimi felt cheap-shotted (hey, bending the rules here) .

 

“And Gabe really took a shot here. Man, things got ugly pretty fast. I know Gil calls his plays out of the comic section but this is ridiculous. We’ll take a break as the Milford General EMT goes to go get the stretcher. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“Honeyyyyyyyyyy, I bought you something!!!!!!!!!! It’ll make things more fun at night!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coach Shaw is buried in his Second Year Latin book trying to conjugate the Latin word for “cheap-shot” in the imperative case

“Okay, here we go ‘Cheap-shoterum urbe Romularum” Man, that’s a funny way to say “Nuke the city of Rome” but if ya wanna learn the language, ya take the good with the bad. I learned that when I was ditching and coaching the team. Now let’s see here, ‘Caesar Augustus cheap-shotat Hannibaleris Montonae Capitolae Anno Domini-”

“Honey, let’s learn Latin another time and let’s learn how to have a good time.”

“Just when I was gettin’ to the part where the verb ‘to fiddle” was declined? I’m still having trouble with the accusative case. Let’s see, ‘A flunky cheap-shotted Nero with his violin-”

“Put the book in the Saturday Evening Post rack and take this pill and this glass of water.”

“Man, it looks like a Contac. Woman, I ain’t got no snot up my nose. What are you tryin’ to do, put me to sleep so you can catch my significant other off guard? Have sex while I’m in La La Land?”

“Just try it and see what happens. I didn’t just want to give you pills like these other sex clinics. Once you swallow this one, there’s a time-release that’s supposed to really get you aroused.”

“Woman, you tried doing that with Flintstones Chewables and I wound up worse than a kid eatin’ Twinkies. I was bouncin’ off the walls for 3 days and I was still flatter than a pancake. What makes you think THIS will work?”

“Honey, just try it. FOR ME?”

“Oh, all right.”

 

“OMG. Whatever they got out of Milford Creek got me goin’ like Jumpin’ Jack Flash. I’d never gotten so horny in all my life. It just hit me like a ton of bricks and next thing you know we were having sex just about anywhere. You name it, we were doin’ it. It was a little tight at the top of the Statue of Liberty but visitation was slow so we managed. Bribing security helped. And we had to watch the piranhas in the Amazon but we stayed near the shallow waters, no problem.

Yes, you men should take the cue and special-order these tablets that’ll get you higher than Gil’s hair. And with the coupon that you should be getting in the mail anyday now, that’s even more of a reason to conquer your erectile problems once and for all. Conquering that and your woman never felt so good. Get your own time-release from Milford Men’s Clinic and you can pump your woman and watch for sharks in the ocean too. Greatest feeling in the world. Check it out at The Clinic today. You’ll be glad you did.”

 

All right, Gang. Cheap-shot away. I still gotta do some more work on the genitive case. Hmmmmmm “The Cheap-shottedness of Gil Thorp’s grandma…”

 

“We will cheap-shot the fish by the river, they will cheap-shot the thugs under the bridge…”

“Gil, come to bed.”

C’mon Zebra!

The word has spread through the Valley Conference. Milford has a hotshot running back named Chance Macy. Chance has a target on his back heading into the match at Tilden.

Detective Kaz is still working on an investigation into the full story behind Chance Macy, but for now it’s Coach Kaz looking out for Chance. Tilden players are taking aim at Chance, THUD!ing him and taking cheap shots. Oh the humanity.

I wonder if this is “too much”.

Are the teams in formation in panel 1? Is 53 of Tilden hanging around in Milford’s backfield? The Zebras are really not paying attention.