Stretching the field

Lets start with P3 first– the first sackers foot is way too far on the bag; it should be on the corner so as to shorten the throw as much as possible. That IS the correct foot however for a lefty. Rightys use their right foot. And the baserunner is running way inside the baseline and is in position to run smack dab into the 1st baseman. Thats why the baseline is in foul territory. Also, in high school, they use safety bases at first, which are placed in foul territory to mimimize collisions such as what is coming in P3.

P2 the toss from short should be underhanded and I never saw such an arm angle as that one. Try throwing underhand with your elbow pointed that way and you’ll flip the ball either way to the right of the target or straight up in the air. She must be double jointed.  Also the 2nd baseman needs to stretch her arm out to get the ball instead of again waiting for the ball to come to her.  Plus that mitt looks more like a catchers mitt.

Not much wrong with P1. Nice win but god did it take a while.

 

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Put Me In, Coach, I’m Ready To Coach Today.

Before we deal with reality here (no sarcasm intended, you know me) , is that the same fence that goes around Shawshank? We’ll never get out alive. Get busy playin’ or get busy dyin’ while we’re waiting for the clock to wind down. At least DuFresne had a stone Carver to weasel out of his own plot. And look where he wound up.

 

Outside of the Scrimmage Bust, we’ve really not seen Mimi in charge of anything and if today is any indication, that status seems unlikely to change.

Granted, teams need team leaders. Extension of the coaches. Nothing will pull your hair out if you’re trying to implement your system, philosophy, and ideas but no one cares enough to take that on the field or court and branch that system out to other players. Put Jocelynn Brown on my team ANYTIME. My ideas will spread like wildfire with her communication skills.

But P1, while I’m sure Brown will indeed develop into a team leader, if you had to translate, would ring something like “Sit yo’ ass down, Girl, I’ll go out and get her out of her funk.” Mimi, inverted hands and all, is staging little resistance at this point. Yeah, just sit on the bench, Mimi, and keep filing your nails. The inmates are still running the prison and are unlikely to relinquish control anytime soon.

“Hi, Pat Summerall for True Value Hardware. Did your hands make contact with the Milford & Oakwood coal train and you couldn’t spin away? And you’re already diagnosed with dishpan hands??

The good people at True Value have all the equipment to deal with such irregularities that won’t strain your budget.

Get a Dewalt 20V Combo Drill Kit on sale for just $159. You’ll also need a Stanley Fatmax Utility Knife to cut through the socket. Great for cutting through the wires when you’re tired of listening to Madden or Brookshier diagram another play.  That’s a bargain for $9.99. A Dewalt 30′ Tape Measure, now selling for $9.99. Gotta have accurate measurements here if you want your appendages screwed back in at the proper angle. GearWrench 8-Piece Set, an appropriate gift for anybody’s birthday, adaptable to any carpal size, on sale for $59.39. Poulan Chain Saw, in case the wrist project was more ambitious than anticipated, selling at a remarkable $55.99.

True Value Hardware has all the things you need to make life a little easier and when you’re finally able to hold tea cups without spilling Earl Grey on Gil’s lap and still be able to watch the game, life is sweeter.

But don’t take my word for it. Stop by your local True Value store and meet the friendly staff who’ll help you with your dreams and designs. And tell ’em Pat sent ya.”

What can I say about P2? It’s a given that Thorpiverse is trying to strut its stuff and flash its Withitness out for the world to see. Art patrons from all over the globe will be mightily intrigued, if not impressed, at this portrait hanging in the Gallery today, next to Dejeuner sur l’Herbe.  Girls who missed scrimmage because the Great Pumpkin was coming to Milford Farm Market to sign autographs in a questionable perspective next to a painting of naked women dining with Men About Town in Gay Paris, you couldn’t match George and Gracie any better.

So Thorpiverse is establishing the strike zone(Hoo boy) by showing what the diamond would look like if we were forced at gunpoint to give up our American Express Traveler’s Cheques AND take a snap shot from a certain angle, focusing on the catcher settling down the pitcher.

And, as mentioned earlier, Jocelynn could possibly be another Ozzie Bean, a catcher on Gil’s team who knew how to shrewdly handle a pitching staff. Yup, Milford Penitentiary was operated by John Dillenger and Pretty Boy Floyd back then, too. I felt sorry for the Sysco semi trying to implement food logistics past those 2 clowns.

Anyway, when she’s telling Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to quit aiming her sky hook and just pitch, is that the 3rd baseman to their left? Really no way that could be the shortstop, Ted Williams was left-handed, unless they got ANOTHER shift on an extreme pull-hitter who’s a 3rd base umpire’s nightmare. But what in the name of Dutch Rennert is she doing facing AWAY from the scheme of things???? Saying “Hi Mom”? If we wanted to be truly fair with perspectives, Mom would have to be perched along with the buzzards with their binoculars watching the same game on one of the branches on the mutant poplar in the background. I reckon that affords a better view than the bleachers and we’ll excuse Thorpiverse for mutant poplars taking foliage liberties in early April. Okay, T-verse, it’s in full summer bloom even if the sugar maple trees in the neighborhood around here are just now shooting out its whirlygigs(wink, wink).

So is the 3rd baseman playing pitch and catch? That’s what warm-ups before the game are for, amiright? And WHO would she be tossing to? The 3rd base umpire, who was last seen hiding behind the tarp rather than get pelted with a down-the-line job, at least that’s what the Missing Persons show reported anyhoo.

“If you’ve seen this man, call now at 1-800-THE-LOST or text at umpireisonthelooseandhis familyisgettingworried@yahoo.com. You can leave an anonymous tip and your call can help track down a man who’s needed for the Milford American Legion Tournament next weekend. He is in his 30’s, has blond hair, hazel eyes, calls a strike zone wider than Gil’s verandah, makes an occasional bad call at 2nd base because he’s dyslexic and thinks that’s 1st base. Please, if you’ve seen him, go to the phone IMMEDIATELY. Your tip does make a difference.”

 

Is the 3rd baseman playing pitch and catch with the 3rd base coach? That, BTW, wouldn’t be Mimi. Try giving the green light when the runner’s rounding 3rd with your hands welded in reverse. Man o man, the welder down at Milford Steel ought to take a urine test pronto. Don’t flash the bunt sign, Mimi.

The only other option is she’s pitching horseshoes. True, there might be a horseshoe pit by the batting cage and I’m sure horseshoe-tossing instills character and competitiveness, in that order (“RINGER!!!!!!!!! IN YOUR FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!” “CARR, SHAKE HANDS WITH BROWN OR YOU’LL BE RUNNING LAPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!”) , but even if there is one (Thorpiverse and its Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds outlook on the softball diamond) , NO WAY could she be doing that with her cauliflower-shaped glove (Milford Sporting Goods were out of Spalding Rutabaga Special Edition) . She won’t get too many ringers that way.

Finally, the (fingers crossed) left fielder with the Christy Mathewson New York Giant 1905 Commemorative World Series Champion Memento uniform, complete with socks up to her pelvic area, is really out of position. No left fielder stands 3 feet from the fence on the 3rd base side unless she may be sneaking in a Camel break. Or kibitzing the 3rd baseman pitching horseshoes. She’s close enough to the action.

Or maybe

“The kisses and love

Won’t carry me

’til ya marry me

Gillllllllll

I got the Wedding Bell Bluuueesss”

 

Nah, couldn’t be whistling anything by The 5th Dimension. Just chewing on a Bazooka Joe while Jocelynn is learning Mimi’s job.

If ya swagger yore beer belly while yore standin’ in the 3rd base box as a signal that yore softball hitter’s got th’ green light on a 3-0 count ta park one over in the next softball diamond on a typical Monday night Men’s Open 40 and Over League, ya might be a redneck.

 

Jocelynn, your words of wisdom in P3 are priceless. You will make a great head coach one day. When Mimi is reduced to a role of a mannequin with her hands in reverse gear, you know the stage is yours. She and Gil are on the golf course half the time anyway.

 

 

You come on like a dream

Peaches and cream

Lips like strawberry wine

You’re six feet tall

You’re strong

And you’re still throwing heat.

 

All right, all right, get off my back. Jocelynn Brown and Ringo never met. Ringo just saw that on graffiti somewhere in Liverpool next to “Echo & the Bunnyman is God”. Just became a rough draft and the rest was history. Ringo bunked Pete Best and Mimi felt like Pete Best when George Martin wanted Jocelynn as the coach. Sue me.

Gang, it’s your turn. I’m going to get the left fielder’s autograph. Anyone have a Bic handy?

 

You walked out of my dreams

And into my arms

Now you’re my angel divine

You’re six feet…

 

 

In Dr. Pearl’s office on any given school day

“So you coached the Milford Optimist 3rd Grade Girls Softball League? What was your relationship with the fellow coaches like?”

“You have excellent references. I know Darryl Strawberry personally. He was coaching when Gil was on Sabbatical.”

“We have 3 other candidates to interview. Send me that cover letter at your convenience. My fax number is 1-888-523-9473.”

The Bases Are Loaded: Is the Artist Loaded Too?

Okay, could all y’all who said you were going to sleep please wake up and help me figure out the bizarro details in today’s strip?

Panel one starts out okey-dokey. Nice detail on the batting gloves, Chief and, uh, nice effort on using words that a softball player might use, Rubin.  Jocelynn Brown must be part of the Brown-Hiatt family ’cause she’s making things happen.

We get to panel two and what the hell is going on here?  Is this a Milford baserunner, base coach, or someone standing on a bag about six feet from the outfield wall?  Did she get her arms from an all-you-can-eat Alaskan king crab leg buffet?  Is she wearing Japanese tabi cleats?  Isn’t 410 a deep wall for high school softball?  (With this perspective, kinda makes you think that should read 4/20.)  Finally, is that a smaller Ricozzi’s Pizza billboard on the fence?  How funny would it have been had big money BRobby Howry kept buying ad space ripping Gil on his own playing field?

On to panel three.  I know that ideally a home plate umpire doesn’t line up directly behind the catcher, so as to have a better view of the outside corner of the plate.  I can’t recall ever having seen an ump line up that far off center – nearly perpendicular to the catcher – even with an unseen left-handed batter up.  Maybe someone who’s been to a softball game more recently than I can confirm this is legit.

Oh, and someone please tell me Benson uses this cheer:

 

Okay, everybody back to sleep now.

“We Beat The Mighty Ducks. Now Go Kick Bugs’ Ass.”

Laughter is free

But it’s hard to be

A TWIM reader

Anytime

 

No one’s believin’

That this plot

Has any meaning

And we’re shocked

All the time

Deep inside

 

Sorry, Gang, had ta start off with a Moody Blues number to confront the Mighty Bunnies. Who’s their mascot, Elmer Fudd?

Shhhhhhhhhh. Be vewy vewy quiet. I’m hunting Mighty Bunnies. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I mean, really, can’t you see the fans in the bleachers, along with the fielders, shoutin’ out “Heyyyyyyyyy, battuh battuh, heyyyyyyyyy, battuh battuh SWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” with Elmer Fudd leading the charge from his megaphone??? Shoutin’ something derogatory to the umps

“Come on, ump, you need gwasses!!!!!!!!!!!! That pitcher can’t thwow stwikes. That pitch was at his bweastpwate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I can see the discipline report

“Man with severe lisp and shotgun by the chalk liner was getting very abusive with the men in blue. Repeated warnings were to no avail, even when offered rabbit stew from the concession stand. Had to be escorted by Dudley Dooright from the premises.”

And what’s he gonna do when it wains, er, rains????? Is he going to be able to fit under the concession stand with the rest of the fans?????? One would hope but some concession stands aren’t fit to withstand the capacity of a whole slew of bunnies, mighty or no. He could always go to the maintenance room and sit on a riding mower if the door is unlocked and his butt will fit on the mower.

Gil and Elmer, sitting on bags of peat moss stacked about 6 bags high, talkin’ baseball. Willllliiieeeee, Mickie, and The Duke. Priceless.

 

I’ve shed a tear for this plot

Watching it rot

Hoping it skips town

 

With back flips, cartwheelies,

Somersault feelies

Baseball’s one big clown

 

Laughter is free

But it’s hard to see

Gil coaching anytime

 

No one’s believin’

That this team is achievin’

We’re not shocked

At the thought

Anytime

 

P1 is interesting. Surprisingly, it really doesn’t have too many flaws, that’s what happens when Gil isn’t in the portrait and you can”t make another Everley Brother crack.

Mimi returns to Hee Haw. Lulu is sitting in the bleachers at the Milford Multi-Purpose Parthenon and Atheneum and Outdoor Facilities General Recreational and Enhancing Activities Softball Complex, surrounded by corn fields, the developers nice enough to bulldoze 9/10 of the same field but leaving Lulu and Grandpa Jones and Buck Owen and Roy Clark, et al SOMEWHERE to sit.

Mimi: “Hey, Lulu!!!!!!!!!!”

Lulu: “Hey what?????”

Mimi: You know how many Everley Brothers it takes to screw in a light bulb????????”

Lulu: “Wait, don’t tell me, Grandpa Jones  told me before he had his lobotomy-”

Mimi: “3. One to hold the ladder, one to screw it in, and one to say ‘ Hey!!!!!! You dumbasses, if we’re gonna make it down to the Muhlenberg County Fair, we can’t pull a Gil and wait!!!!!!!!!  The WK is backed up because a semi overturned and spilled Bucket Cheeseburgers everywhere!!!!!!!!! We gotta go now!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Lulu: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Oh, there’s Grace Jones gracing her presence in the hallways. I’m kinda curious what position she plays on the team. I’m comforted knowing that she’ll have a helmet big enough to engulf her hairdo so we can focus on her position. Ahhhhhh, Mimi know all, tells all.

“Grace, I’m going to try you at DH. Watch the ball all the way into your hairline.”

“Yes, Coach.”

And Mimi pulls off Hoosiers II

“What’s the matter now??????”

“Coach, if you’ll give me a bobby pin, I’ll hit that homer. Their pitcher is throwin’ mangoes.”

 

Then there’s the Hand of Lurch. Why can’t Thorpiverse draw anatomy of teenagers without involving Father Time?????? Do teenagers carry their Chem 1, Advanced Lit, Algebra 2, and Mechanical Drawing textbooks attached to forelimbs once owned by a little old lady from Pasadena who only used them on Sunday?????? Then endowed Barnabas Collins with them in her will before she died?????

 

At The Bucket

“WOW!!!!!!!!! That banana split looks awesome!!!!!!!!!! I’m gonna order that. Hey, waiter!!!!!!!!!”

“You rang?”

 

If ya pitched a no-hitter for Milford Foundry on Men’s Open Slo-Pitch Wednesday Night against Milford Toyota cuz half their team was too drunk to even bunt the ball ta git on base then go right around and coach Milford Tool & Die’s ladies team on Ladies Industrial on Monday night, complete with scorebook, pen, and Bud in your back pocket so the ump don’t see it while you’re standin’ square in the 3rd base box, ya might be a redneck.

 

And while I can appreciate their membership in the Reader’s Digest Book-of-the Month Club, they really should be toting textbooks. Isn’t that why they’re in the hallways to begin with???? I’m sure “Ball Four” was interesting (not really, Bouton was a clubhouse lawyer throughout the book, IMHO) but it’d be wise to be studying your capitals for that Geography 203 test tomorrow.

Otherwise, HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY

 

If ya bought a new Hillerich and Bradsby Titanium special cuz ya like ta hear the WHACK of the bat when yuz hittin’ a homer over the right field fence even when the poor beer-bellied right fielder is givin’ chase and his CRACK is stickin’ out while he leaps 2 inches off the ground tryin’ ta rob ya of any glory, instead of KRAK, somethin’ some Pole stuck in the English language at ball games when Hary and Steve weren’t lookin’, and now it’s standard vocab for Fodor’s Polish in 10 Days, ya might be a redneck.

 

It sings

It dances

It throws and it prances

The ladies put on a show

 

Too bad

This is softball

No disco, no cannons

Linda won’t get shot out

Guess we better go

 

Laughter is free

But it’s hard to be

A Mudlark when it counts

No one’s really caring

The ladies have no daring

And they choke

Under pressure

Everytime

 

 

OK. P3 made me laugh. Benson Mighty Bunnies??????? But hold on, this was more of a Thorpiverse contrivance than a School Board-motivated vote. And I like different until it involves Thorpiverse and different has a tendency to steer the plot and create another New Madrid Fault. Life on the Mississippi with a steamship full of Mighty Bunnies steered by Mark Twain. And Thorpiverse one of the patrons. It’s different, if nothing else.

 

Anyway, I like different nicknames. In my home state of Indiana we have the Vincennes Alices (don’t laugh, they won the State in Boys Basketball in ’81 and have always been formidable) and the Shoals Jug Rox (named after the biggest free-standing rock structure east of the Mississippi, shaped like a jug, propping another boulder perpendicular to that-drive east on US 50 as you head into Shoals going down a gentle curvy hill, it’ll be on your left, can’t miss it) . So I like different. It makes for good high school rivalries.

But again, when Thorpiverse is involved, well…

That’s why I’ve employed the help of the late Stuart Scott, a man who took ESPN journalism to a new level and as long as the Mighty Bunnies are going to stick around

“It must be jam cuz Elmer don’t shake like that”

“Porky Pig, one swing at the plate BOO-YAH, it’s gone and the Mighty Bunnies tie it up”

“Foghorn had a no-hitter going through 6, Leghorn was like buttuh, he was on a roll”

“And they called Daffy Duck the Bus Driver cuz he took Linda Carr to School with that laser in left”

“Yeah, a grand slam and the Mighty Bunnies are runnin’ away with it, making the Mudlarks pay for no scrimmage cuz of all the sorry-ass excuses, YEAH, I’M FEELIN’ YA, BUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oh, my, look at that great catch to rob Nancy of extra bases, can I get a Yosemite Sam from the congregation?”

“The dog in Foghorn Leghorn was cool as the other side of the pillow”

 

If you have others, go for it. Stuart would have wanted it that way.

Stuart, I miss you. You brightened my day EVERY day.

 

Comment away, Gang. Just watch out for that UFO in P3. And tell the coach in P3 the box is on the other side of the line. Oh, that’s the umpire. Doin’ the “Same As It Ever Was” dance as the Mighty Bunny runner. Ump, I think the proper mechanics is “Safe”. You know, wave both arms away from you, not strut like David Byrne.Remember, the umpire manual says “No one likes an actor.”

 

Laughter is free…

 

Your painted hair hides you

While you still hang out on the

Golf course

Yesterday

And Tomorrow’s fine

Fused as one

AS ALL THE CROWD IS GOING NUTS OVER THIS COCOA PUFFS OF A PLOT AND THEIR LOVE’S FORGETFULNESS

Upon you

So be thankful

For your painted hair

Clown

er, Gil

If loneliness wears the crown

of the

Veteran Cosmic Mudlark

Yada Yada Yada…You Gonna Finish Those?

The results of the Linda Carr and David Walter Convention are in. Linda is pooped. Sometimes, saying you were tired is just making an excuse for being a real B without admitting that you’ve been a real B. (Why do I hesitate to refer to a fictional teenage girl as a bitch? How about a shrew? Whatevs.)

Linda is tired. Too many activities, too much homework and those loads of carbs from the Bucket will do that to you. Wow, look at the meaty cleft of her palm. Her chin just sinks in there! Does she even need a glove at short?

What was I saying? Oh, yeah. Carbs. The Bucket has them and David Walter, put upon boyfriend will put them away. He runs on carbs. They fire him up!

…and we’re off. Game action. Boys first, naturally. Jay Bhatia has become the opening day starter? He has achieved the goal he set last year. Also, he must have gotten contacts.

What’s this? The Burke Bulldogs are from Charleston, South Carolina, the “Final Destination” of the mysterious Mr. Bakst? Circles in circles, wheels in wheels.

Be sure to try the tasty burgers at SLOPS. SLOPS, our beef will make you see stars.

 

How Bizarre.

ALL OVER THE WOOOORRRRLLLLDDDDDDD

 

WHAT??????????????? P3 isn’t ELO’s video “All Over the World” video??????????? That just sucks. And just when I was getting happy feet from all the gossiping, belly-aching, and dancing, not necessarily in that order.

 

Visited The Bucket

They fried me up a shake

I can’t brook this valley talk

It’s pneumatic and it’s fake

 

Cut the dope

Nuke this Soap

 

Sittin’ in the bleachers

Observing girls at play

Flappin’ ’bout their troubles

They’ll be scheduled any day

 

So I hope

Can we cope, can we cope, can we…….

 

Ooooooooo, Baby(Pewwww, Baby)

It’s drivin’ us crazy(it’s shit and it’s hazy)

Every time we stick around(do we have to)

Every time we stick around

Every time we stick around

We lose faith

 

And we’re STILL in a valley but if you think I’m discussing the Valley conference, I got that vacant lot behind The Bucket to sell you cheap. Don’t snicker. One of these days they’ll make a playground out of it or a soccer field. You just beat your 3rd grade homeroom rival on penalty kicks from the Milford Elementary Major Soccer League, it’s Bucket time. Time to grab a cold one. I’m talking about a Raspberry Slushee, dolts, The Bucket is still in litigation over the liquor license issue. May take a while, Sharkey’s brushing up on Real Estate Law, taking a couple of night classes at Milford Community College. One of them was Advanced Rezoning Appeals 301 but I can’t remember, been some time myself since I’ve taken the class.

Back to the topic, Jacqueline Susann would be proud of this group of gossipy girls. This Valley of the Dolls is just writing its own script. Susann can go to Milford Styling Shoppe and get her hair bleached like she’s always wanted, get her nails done at Milford Nail Salon, and get a tan at Milford Tanning Outlet and still come back in time for this San Fernando Valley to reach the epilogue. You talk about having blinders for the Redwood forest because you’re too caught up in the trees that squirrels and unicorns piss on and you plunge head first into the Pacific Ocean.

“…No, really, officer, the unicorn was wiping his butt behind that elm tree at the entrance to Golden Gate National Recreation Area. I was about to get out some Charmin and didn’t notice the San Francisco Bay. BTW, where’s my car?”

“Got a call from dispatch. They just towed it out of Alcatraz.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Throws Out His Back At Milford Shopping Mall!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Former Bill was trying to keep up with teenagers dancing to Electric Light Orchestra’s ‘All Over the World’; will have to wear a back brace for 8 weeks.”

 

I mentioned the Harlem Globetrotters a few weeks ago. And sure, they gossip just like the rest of us mortals. I bet the Boston Shamrocks do the same thing (“Boy, Meadowlark needs to do some thing about that overbite.”) . But during the GAME, I bet they throw gossip to the wind and act like PROFESSIONALS. No “Did you notice Curly changed his barber? Said the other was gay and Curly wasn’t interested?” while they’re in the free throw spaces while a Boston Shamrock is shooting a free throw to complete the 3-point play. No “That Shamrock needs to buy some Janitorial Size Oxy-5 for his butt. I can see them pimples through his shorts at the half-court line” while the Globetrotteers are breaking a press. No ” Mimi’s leavin’ Gil for Goose.” “Man, where we gonna put her? The plane’s already full.” Hell, we can sit her on Abe Saperstein’s lap. He won’t mind. She works better than jumper cables and he’s already had a stroke” while the Globetrotters are doin’ all that razzle-dazzle (lot of that going around, might want to take some Ny-quil before you go to bed) for 30 minutes, finally Meadowlark pulling the ball out of his shirt and shooting a Kareem sky hook, to the consternation of the Shamrocks who were anticipating a slam dunk.

In, short, P1 is more razzle than dazzle, leading to a commercial break about Ovaltine. Dentu-Creme pulled out as an ad last week after the plot went slower than it takes for the adhesive to stick to the gums. I guess they didn’t want false teeth on the softball field. Linda and company would be gossiping about some parent’s dentures leading into Golf in August. Can’t have that.

“Yeah, I’m so sure, I drink a quart of Ovaltine before my Synchronized Bowling match. I get more spares that way.”

“Groty to the max!!!!!!!!! I drink a liter of Faygo Wild Cherry. I rolled a 300!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Oooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn has been gracious enough to help us cope with a plot getting off on the wrong foot already. Not even the Cubs could shoot themselves this much in the foot (Robmize, I was trying to hold back) . Without further ado

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought you had to have another ______________________ to Synchronized Surfboarding.”

 

Before we go ANNNNNYYYYYY further, you have to be blinder than Stevie Wonder to NOT notice Nancy Kaffer having gone through the Mr. Potato Head factory for her physical composition. And those are either earrings or she needs a flea bath BIG TIME. P2 is nice if you enjoy Mr. Potato Head attempting to rally the troops since Mimi can’t even get a simple scrimmage going without some lunkhead saying she can’t make it because that’s the weekend she has to be at the Security Council meeting at the UN to vote on expelling Easter Island from the UN due to nuclear spillage still rampant underneath those statues. Chile had to dump their load SOMEWHERE, I suppose.

 

And I was thinking that that was Ricky Ricardo in the background, playing sports for the Mudlarks when he’s not leading his band at his club but forgot those are girls; ah, but I came up with Plan B, i.e., one of the dancers in OMC’s video “How Bizarre.” Dancer and softball player, woman’s got versatility. And ears you don’t have to stick in a socket like Nancy.

 

Alone in the gymnasium

It wants of any action

Sophomore Intramurals

Was the main attraction

 

Omigod

Spare the rod, spare the rod…

 

Bought me box of Cracker Jack

While baseball’s put on hold

The prize became a Gil doll

Good Heavens, that is cold

 

Batter up

Had enough, had enough, had…

 

Ooooooooo, Baby (Hey, Baby)

It’s driving us crazy (Gil is so lazy)

 

Every time we’re pushed around (We push back)

Every time we’re pushed around (That’s a fact)

Every time we’re pushed around

We pull rank

 

“…so the mandrill asks the jackrabbit,’ do you know how to get out of South Dakota?’

And the jackrabbit answers, ‘What do I look like, a trombone player for Ricky Ricardo’s band?'”

 

“Good news, Mimi. I made my own mom laugh. And I didn’t even have to resort to Harry imitations. I’m making PROGRESS!!!!!!!!! I’ll get there. Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

 

If you want to jump right into P3 and dance to “Rapper’s Delight”, be my guest. Because that’s about as much as going to get accomplished. If Mimi would take CHARGE, there’d be no need for this Mouseketeer roll call. Okay, talk about how bad the last Donald Duck cartoon was, that Donald should not have been up Daisy’s skirt, that there’s standards within the Disney world, that it wasn’t necessary for Minnie Mouse  to admit she’s been off the wagon and frequents Milford Beverage Warehouse more than she sees Mickey, but Mimi, YOU’RE THE COACH. Enough of these players-only meetings that are more players than coaches. SOMEONE’S got to direct traffic and it looks like Linda anmd Nancy are the de jure coaches. And I don’t even know Latin.

 

“Hi, this the absentte owner of The Bucket. Our establishment is getting dragged through the mud, thanks to a lot of distorted and misleading information.  Let me clear the record and say I will ALWAYS bre absentee to better serve our customers. And we are only seeking a liquor license because we feel our customers deserve a slice of the pie. Sure, Mil;ford Beverage Warehouse can serve fresh cheese cake. We just want the fork.

Gil should know better, He’s splayed out one too many times in one of our booths after mixing a Tom Collins he smuggled in The Bucket with a Lemon Lime Bucket shake. In front of his own kids, no less. Can’t he get his thrills without involving the family?

And Gil says we are stalled in litigation right now. Nothing could be further from the truth. We have hired one of the finest New York attorneys, the ones who represented the Gambino family, so we expect competent counseling to get us through the bad Bucket o’ Shrimp until Joe Sharkey graduates next Spring, Real Estate Doctorate in hand from the Clarence Darrow School of Law at Milford Community College. We’re so confident that nobody from  Cosa Nostra will shoot up the juke box that we are offering free Double Cheeseburger Combos, Swiss cheese extra, should someone come in with an Uzi and truncate Air Supply’s ‘Two Less Lonely People’.

And while we admit you can FOR NOW stock up at The Warehouse, the Milford Beverage Commission has issued a Variance and we can sell Creme de Menthe, on ice cream products only. Otis the Drunk might not be thrilled about ordering a banana split but if it’s sprinkled with Hersheys Chocalate Syrup and Tapioca Creme de Menthe, he might change his tune, especially while being lead back to his jail cell with El Dorado in his right hand and down his shirt.

Come to The Bucket today and clear up the rumors. We still sell the same things we’ve been selling to teenagers for 60 years and now we’re prepared to encounter the 21st century with new ideas, new breakthroughs and new cuisine, especially the ones you drink to while celebrating your passing the bar. We promise Sharkey won’t be on the streets all decked out. He doesn’t want to get hit by the Milford Street Sweeper. The Sopranos have given us their word.

We’re ready for change and I don’t mean Susan B. Anthonys. Are you?”

 

Comment away, Gang. I’m going to Milford Chiropractic tomorrow morning. I knew I shouldn’t have done the YMCA dance.

 

Filion’s in a nuthouse

Got to see a shrink

Has to gather sanity

Or the story’s going to sink

 

Down the john

Gotta yawn, gotta yawn, …

 

Golf is not much better

It shows when things break down

Get tired of taking Gil’s advice

Much rather pump a clown

 

From the town

Circus town, circus town…

 

Ooooooooooo, Baby (Ooooooo, Gilberto)

It’s drivin’ us crazy (This plot is so spacy)

Everytime we hit the ground (From a bomb)

Everytime we hit the ground (feels like ‘Nam)

Everytime we hit the ground

We lose face

Lou Grant Anthology Series: Volume 7-“The Coaching Years”

I’m having this nightmare of giant snakes attacking me in the Gobi Desert while being trapped in that giant scorpion chair that Vulnavia pushed me into while Dr. Phibes goes to Gil’s house and kidnaps Mimi and sticks her in a mummy case in his hideout behind the Milford 24-Hour Coin Laundromat (what other laundromats are there?-I’ve yet to see one that had changers giving wooden nickels or Canadian quarters or 3-dollar bills or buffalo bones that the Kiowa used in transactions, any of those for your 20) , my being surrounded by scorpions and tarantulas, helpless to do anything because I’m confined to that seat, all the while observing Robby going door-to-door selling Electrolux Vacuum Cleaners to finance his billboard addiction.

KNOCK!!!!!!!!!!! KNOCK!!!!!!!!!!!! KNOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Ah, Vic-TOR-ia, I shall return to your loving and amorous presence as soon as I dispose of this incompetent and foolish churl. Enjoy your Journey into Never Never Land in the interim. You’ll find treasure if you stay there. And me too, I hope.”

Using mental telepathy at high voltage

“Yesssss?”

Taken aback that Phibes doesn’t move his mouth when speaking, R/Bobby trudges on

“Hi, I represent the Electrolux Vaccum Cleaner Company. Here’s my card. Uh, Can I come in?”

Sure, Booby, just come on into the Pits of Hell where Phibes is shish-kabobing a victim who dared harm Vic-TOR-ia and make yourself at home. Sorry the place is a mess. I’ll have Vulnavia use a Swiffer on all the blood stains on the tile floor. And that skeleton on the Broyhill dining room table? Well, she was an anorexic. Vulnavia couldn’t coax her to eat a Pudding Pop.

“You’ll love these hose attachments, it’ll pick up all those dead locusts on your floor, Man, you got a ton of ’em, some on the China cabinet, and even in the vegetable compartment in your fridge, you might need an extra vacuum bag…”

I wake up, coming to my senses. I realize it was just a bad dream, that the vacuum noise was a street sweeper passing by.

But just in case my nightmares overlap into reality and I see my next-door neighbor cleaning out his Volvo and sucking all the cigarette butts and chewing gum and stale Chee-tos with an Electrolux, extension cord thrown in as an added bonus, you could run the gamut of choices, Tom Thumb, James K. Polk, Booby Doody (nice one, Teench) , Ethyl from “I Love Lucy”, Herb Woodley, Dagwood’s next-door neighbor, and Mother Theresa, and I believe you can narrow down the list of candidates very quickly. James K. Polk didn’t have the luxury of electricity and P.T. Barnum, Tom Thumb’s protege, sold circuses door-to-door, not vacuum cleaners. There might have been a sell after the elephant act, flunkies scoopin’ up the elephant poop while somebody is shouting from a megaphone “It slices, it dices, it sucks up popcorn and Julienne fries in a nanosecond…”, but aaaaaaaa, kinda sorta doubt it. So R/Booby is our culprit Electrolux salesman.

And now R/Bobby is living to tell about it on The Sleazy Hour w/ Marty Moon. Thank God Booby had an extra wide-scoop dustpan attachment to corral all the dead scorpions on the VCR in the den or Booby might have been victimized by Phibes’ Deluxe Head Decapitator in the Maytag dishwasher. And Booby is practically saying Gil should give up coaching and sell vacuum cleaners himself. And as long as we’re going to get RIDICULOUS about this, what with a guy who still hasn’t confirmed how he’s financing these billboard deals and really has no business on a radio show criticizing a coach and saying he needs to resign when he was only the equipment manager, I might as well go all the way with this.

“So you’re saying he never moved his mouth when he was calling time outs?”

“I am.”

“How could he communicate with his players? Did he use a cue card?”

“Nooooo, he kinda spoke as if he was using mental telepathy. Like somebody sewed his mouth shut so the only other way was to hold a can at one end and shout out the back door play through the hanger wire to the cup at the other end through his nostrils. Good thing he used Vic’s Nasal Spray or Luhm’d have some heavy poop to sweep up tonight. And don’t even talk about buffering.”

“What did he say?”

“He threatened to dunk their heads in an aquarium of piranhas and use their bodies for mannequins at the Milford House of Horrors if they coughed up another late lead and disappoint my dear Vic-TOR-ia who’s been waiting centuries to awaken and be part of the State Champ photo with the basketball team.”

“And I understand tarantulas were coming out of his scalp?”

“Right. Some heckler in Section B said he COACHES like Dr. Phibes and only Phibes’ organ-playing is worse than his play-calling. Vulnavia positioned a cement chute in the heckler’s direction and the tarantulas had a feast on the heckler and his 2 Baby Ruth bars.”

 

And wasn’t Tod Andrews in charge of the Oakwood team(s)? Billytheskink, correct me if I’m wrong and you do excellent work on the subject so if you know, by all means, clear the record. I admit I’m getting senile(ha).

RIGHT NOW, Lou Grant has come out of retirement and is pursuing a second career after taking night classes at Milford Community College. I reckon he skipped the infomercial on WDIG-TV at 3:00AM in the morning, the one where Bodies by Jake had a special promo “Yes, you too can be a coach.” And when you order now, you’ll get the 2-ton Nautilus equipment sent to your door plus a 2,354 page booklet “Kevin Loughery: ‘How I Coached Great Players On My Next Team After I Got Fired From My 3rd Team'” Classic reading. Is there a foreword by Bob Knight?

 

Hank Finkel (or Chuck Nevitt or Don Noort-last one, courtesy Indiana Basketball) : “Coach, I’m ready as a 12th man if you need me. I know you’ve blown some games because there was no one to send in when you were ahead by 61 with a minute to go, so I’m available.”

“SURE. We have an empty seat at the end of the bench. I put Chuck D’Alosio (ditto IU) on the DL.”

 

Isn’t “disappointing loss” a redundancy? What loss is ENCOURAGING? I’ve been a high school booster/coach and a college booster for ages and have never experienced  a loss that WASN’T disappointing.

Then when we’re subjected to giga-second photo shoots of basketball action on one end of the court and Gil-thrashing by Marty and Booby on the other end, no wonder why tip-offs are a bit tricky. Talk about lack of action and making no desire to penetrate in the frontcourt. Only the 4-corner stall implented by Dean Smith is less entertaining. But at least THAT won games. No wonder why we have to have a shot clock.

“…shot clock down to 7, Gil is rambling and rambling, Reggie wanting to shoot, shot clock down to 4, Booby is using a crane to erect another billboard that says “Gil has serious crack when he kneels to design a play”, shot clock down to 2, Reggie is begging for the ball and trying to get Kaz to quit trying to remove his earrings, ANNNNDDDDD the shot clock expires and the Pacers will turn it over, down 6 to the Bucks, 2:37 left in the 3rd Quarter…”

“There’s absolutely no reason for that, Mark, absolutely no reason.”

“I agree, Slick, you just don’t leave Reggie that wide open, especially with Robinson laying off…”

 

Going back to P1, the players, if you really want to liberally interpret the word, are displaying some interesting stances. Is the Oakwood player in the upper panel doing the River Dance? I knew it was a craze or at least the commercial during Bugs Bunny & Pals said so. Sure helped with his footwork on defense. Glory Thanks to Jesus he wasn’t doing the Funky Chicken or Milford Might have made it a cakewalk.

And that’s either a Smurf or The Hunchback of Notre Dame in the lower corner that missed his defensive assignment. Help defense does wonders, Hunch.

 

One day, a visitor drops into Gil’s office.

“Hey, Coach, I understand you’re short-handed, especially on the interior. Need me to suit up?”

“Pulver, you graduated in the ’70’s. How am I going to slip that one past the other coach, let alone the officials?”

“The same way you’d slip the Coach’s union card you’ve had since ’58. And I can douse my head in a bucket of Grecian Formula.

 

Today’s Black History entry is actually 2 people, Booker T. Washington and William Edgar Burgard DuBois. They were on two sides of a coin, Washington espousing learning a trade for the black man to better himself, especially through his school, the Tuskeegee Institute, and Dubois, the first black man to earn a Ph.D at Harvard, who felt that a black man should better himself through the Liberal Arts. I’m not prepared to delve into either side but both men were VERY INFLUENTIAL in the lives of blacks and therefore I ask that you join me in saluting them for their significant contributions.

 

 

 

 

And, OF COURSE, Lou, he’ll turn it around. You’ve been looking up Mary Tyler Moore’s butt one too many times, that’s your problem when you’re not running a newspaper when you’re not coaching the team. What do you think Gil’s going to do after 60+ years, RETIRE???????? Wash your mouth out with Irish Spring. And head to a Florida condo? Go sit in the corner. As incompetent as Gil is, Coach Kleats ain’t gonna take his place and take the baton and continue to run the team and/or plots in the ground. You and Ted Knight, sheesh.

And what would he do? Play shuffleboard? Strive to be the Bocce king? I’m sure he’s been practicing in his office for the appointed time. Equipment’s right behind the golf bag. Oops, that reminds me. Since he golfs, he’d be on thecourse 24/7.

The St. Lucie Police shining a floodlight on Hole #7, dog leg right, par 5 and speaking through the loudspeaker

“May I ask your business?”

“Not now. Gotta do a ball drop.”

 

Air Jordan walks through the hallways, signing 1,946,738 autographs, including posing with the cafeteria ladies and with Dr. Pearl, Doctorate proudly behind her, eventually winding up in Gil’s office.

“Coach, if you need me to come out of retirement, I’m available. And Pippen’s in the limo.”

 

P3-“Not now, I’m in the middle of Ultimate Chess. I’m workin’ on my endgame. My rook got sliced in pieces but I still got another one, plus my one and only pawn is 2 squares away from queening. Mate City.”

And only in Thorpiverse do the background mutated pine trees kibbutz the match. Move your bishop and protect your queen, Thorp. Shut up, fellow mutated pine tree, I’d move his knight. He’s got an easy fork. Rook’s a dead man.

 

“And there’s a time out on the floor as the towel boy is wiping up all the locust poop, with the score, Milford, 67, Oakwood, 62, with a minute to go. We’ll see if Phibes can pull this one out.”

Because I’m unclear on what a blood flow massage or stimulator is on these ED commercials

Gil, pulling down his Valentine’s Day boxers that Mimi had air-mailed this morning

“How does it feel?”

“Aaaaaaaaaaa, a bit snug. I need circulation but don’t lop the damn thing off. I need to piss, y’know.”

“Sorry, Gil. They do stretch in time. You might get a little woozy walking down the stairs but you’ll get comfortable in a day or two. Leather stretches that way.”

“Can I try something one size smaller? I usually wear a 12 but I’ll go 11 even if it’s a bit loose.”

“Absolutely, Gil. And I can put some pinch pads in them so it doesn’t keep slipping.”

“Go for it. Now you’re saying it’ll get me erect 1/2 hour before bed time?”

“Sure, but if it’s loose, it might take a little longer.”

“”I think I better go a little tighter. Mimi gets horny in a hurry and the quicker I can get the motorboat started, the less tempted Mimi is to use alternative means such as the bed post.”

“Sure thing. And I’ll give you a shoehorn in case you have trouble slipping it on before desperate times come about. Mimi won’t rub the parquetry again, that’sour money-back guarantee.”

 

“The Milford Men’s Clinic friendly staff is ready to assist you and treat you like a Coach. Don’t take my word for it, ask Mimi. And see for yourself down at the Clinic. Give your significant other a Dr. Scholl treatment.”

 

Gang, comment away. I’m staying on the other side of the gym. I saw people getting eaten by anacondas. Sometimes Phibes goes too far when he gets slapped with a T.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Gil: ‘I DID see Elvis.”

sub headline

“Presley seen as a 2 guard in Thorp’s offensive schemes.”

 

Bulletin board at St. Lucie Heights Luxury Condos

“Congratulations to Coach and Mimi Thorp for 1st Place in the 27th Annual Croquet Tournament, Handicap Division. Mimi won in a one-hole play-off. Thanks to ALL the participants.”

Nice Attacking

In lieu of any actual girls’ basketball action this year, it looks like we’ll have at least one panel of cheerleader action. Today’s cheerleaders are played by a young Lily Tomlin, Claire Danes and Anna Paquin. (I’m basing this casting on overbite, nose and tooth gap, respectively.)

As far as the game, it looks like Mike Filion and the Stovepipe Sophomore carried the team to victory. Yay!

As Mike hoists the ball into the air in celebration (or he’s trying to disable a drone that’s spying on him), what’s that other crouching Mudlark in Panel 3 up to? Is he about to tackle Mike?