We’ve come to that time in just about every Gil Thorp arc in which Rubin realizes he hasn’t paced worth a damn and he has to cram a week’s worth of action into a single strip and starts rushing the plot ahead without filling in the details. If this was football season we’d call it the two minute drill, but since it’s basketball season let’s call it throwing up treys and fouling. It’s late in the day and I know most of you TWIMers have probably seen today’s strip already, so I’m gonna rush through this much as Rubin did. Okay? Okay!
P1: I know that AP Chemistry midterm must be hard but, come on, it’s nothing to lose your head over! Maybe this isn’t AP Chem but American Lit and that kid under the first dialog box is acting out “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.”
P2: Neither the Milford boys nor the girls are making the playdowns ’cause they don’t score enough, so let’s sweep these games under the rug, shall we? Boy, that Marcell Irby sure is lanky!
P3: DeMarco is dropping in on Steve Harvey Mr. Rollins who, I’m assuming, is the AP Chem teacher. Couldn’t tell from that poor excuse for a periodic table behind his head. We know he’s gonna dime out Schuring; what we don’t know yet is how Schuring’s gonna get his name cleared. Something tells Gil will intervene (heaven knows he hasn’t been busy coaching) and Schuring’s word will be taken because athlete. Then we get a throwaway panel or two telling us why DeMarco’s had beef. Maybe Teddy has a low self opinion.
Then Alexa and Chris walk down a hallway, then it’s on to baseball. Hang on for the thrilling conclusion, folks!
What a way to jumpstart Alexa’s basketball career, trying to guess who shot the Chips Ahoy! cookie that’s clanging off the M.C. Escher goal. Gang, are you as befuddled as I am trying to figure out if we’re looking DOWN at the goal or looking UP at it?
Then, as if our retinae are not damaged enough from basketball goal-gazing, we’re really not sure WHO SHOT COACH SHAW. I’m also wondering who shot the ball but at this point, Thorpiverse might lead you to think that the same culprit engineered both capers. And for once, I agree with Thorpiverse. Nothing is real and something to get hung about. Only in Thorpiverse.
Well, I guess we’ll never get to the bottom of the former; after all, Coach Shaw goes out through the in strip and vice versa. Keeping up with him, well, that’s like trying to figure out how Hanna-Barberra makes that pterodactyl talk when it’s operating Wilma’s washing machine. A lost cause and futile, where’d be the first place you’d look? In through the out gym? In through the out football practice field? Just keep watching The Flintstones. You might catch someone behind Fred’s recliner prompting the pterodactyl.
Anyhoo, we still haven’t figured out who clunked the out cookie. IT’S ALEXA you say. THIS IS THORPIVERSE I say. Granted, it’s not possible Susan Willcox-Olson-etc. could be the one laying the bricks after she shot lights out weeks ago and took charge while Mimi went in through the out bathroom door and never came back out but let’s not start throwing around assumptions around here. That’s how easy victories turn into the fight of your life. Poor preparation and inverted rims will do that to you.
And after a thorough once-over, we’re confident it’s not Phoebe Keener as she’s assumed the role of player-coach and has more on her plate than jacking up in-outer’s that wind in the next panel. She didn’t clunk her way into player-coach the way Mimi clunked her way out and Mimi didn’t have to shoot a basketball, she shot her foot well enough.
So, OKAY OKAY, it’s Alexa who’s trying to be a scoring machine and didn’t help her cause with that bonker in space. It just annoys me that if you see a ball miss the mark, we’re to assume the lead character was the one who pulled it off. Hey, as long as we don’t see the shooter, for all we know, Granny Clampett or Gilligan could have shot it without anyone looking. Mr. Ed sneaking one off the ball rack at a 20-second time-out? It could happen.
Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer
“Confusion Reigns At The Milford Lounge Over Led Zeppelin’s Album!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
“We couldn’t tell who was getting drunker in the photo shoot on the album sleeve, Gil or Bonham.”
She is rising to the occasion. She is overcoming adversity and answering all the critics who said she wasn’t all that. Hey, the only time “Success” comes before “Work” is in the dictionary. No guts, no glory. When the revolution is complete, the landowners will no longer charge usury at The Bucket. Okay, I got a little carried away but I’m fired up about Phoebe’s coaching potential. All she needs now is the playbook. And the clipboard and Magic Marker. I believe Mimi left them in the glove compartment.
Well, we’ll never know if Phoebe succeeded selling Amway Medicated Shampoo Orange Blossom Scent and/or got 15 Mudlarks to show up at an Amway meeting that was held at the gym (was going to get SOME usage out of it. Basketball didn’t seem to be a priority) so that she would one day be at the top of the Triangle. She’d be further than Mimi who was in a Turing fan belt in Gil’s pickup.
What we DO KNOW is that Alexa has upped her game, making a nice little sky hook over 2 defenders who are helpless to stop it. Hey, she gettin’ some game. This is arguably about the most positive we’ve seen in a Thorpiverse concept since Hadley V. left town. Yeah, Alexa’s brightening the gym by ENTERING it unlike Hadley V., especially with the skills Alexa is displaying. She is proving she doesn’t have to bulldoze the opponent in order to play like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
The only glitch is the one defender who wears Nike High Tops at a 45 degree angle attempting in vain to stop Alexa in a Kareem moment. I know we are deluged in M.C. Escher today but I always thought his illusions were mainly up/down and not side to side. Pretending she is guarding Alexa by sliding her feet but are really nailed to the floor. If that be the case, her Nike’s share something in common with this plot. Going somewhere but running to stand still. Didn’t U2 sing that?
I wonder if Escher played basketball. Did he use those rims? Gotta start an artistic career somewhere.
Ditch this plot!!!! Ditch this plot!!!! Ditch this plot!!!!
Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
“Phoebe, don’t you think Alexa’s suspension is a little harsh?”
Okay, you whippersnappers, digging into the past, “Where’s Huddles?” was a pilot show about a football player who’s also a family man whose neighbor, Bubba McCoy, also played on the same football team as Huddles. It was Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble in shoulder pads. They and their teammate, Freight Train, form a trio, The Offensives, after Huddles has aspirations of grandeur, especially when they see a player they play against go on TV and show that he was more image than talent as this player’s singing voice leaves a lot to be desired.
The hitch is that their coach, a rough cutout of Mr. Slate (the voice, ironically the voice of Fred Flintstone, Alan Reed) , has threatened to severely punish anybody who moonlights because moonlighting, to the coach, undermines a player’s performance on the football field.
But they could be violating copyright laws. Gil and Mimi have been performing as The Offensives for 60 years.
At the Milford Comedy Club
“…what do I look like, an alligator who ran over a zebra to get the easy bucket?”
SIX MONTH SUSPENSION
“I still have 4 fouls left.”
SIX MONTH SUSPENSION
Are you in for a treat today. We have banners that look like ABM missiles and could REALLY shove people out of the way, not just players, should someone use scissors and cuts one of the cords. Anything to wake Alexa up and make her realize she got game.
Then, as our eyes are already overloaded from trying to surmise which end of the rim is up, we are overwhelmed with topsy-turvy rafters. Don’t hang on one of those things. A reader could turn the panel upside-down and you’d be eternally falling in some chasm. You might be free from the Cycle of Life but I’ve never known anyone to reach Nirvana heading in the wrong direction. It’s a lot easier heading down The Grand Canyon on a mule.
And with players that defend as if trying to prove a congruent triangle through Side-Angle-Side, we got the whole package in P2.
If yore daddy gave ya an 8-track player ta play “All My Love” and the rest uv Led Zeppelin that he tore outta his 4-wheel-drive by turnin’ the 4-wheel-drive upside down with the use of chains and the floor jack, ya might be a redneck.
Gang, I remember the movie “The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance” where Jimmy Stewart is reminiscing about John Wayne, who was Stewart’s protectorate against Liberty Valance (played by Lee Marvin) , a renegade rogue who terrorizes the typical western town in part because the sheriff is a marshmallow. Finally, bristling at some reporter’s question, Stewart utters “Now who’s giving the interview?”.
In P3, I feel like asking “Who’s doing the coaching?” Might as well be Liberty Valance. If he is indeed, Alexa might turn INTO another Liberty Valance. With Mimi playing the part of that chickenpoop sheriff, Alexa will be shootin’ Tilden players off the rafters if they haven’t been inverted into The Black Hole. And 11 points and 11 rebounds to boot. Hard to believe she only had 4 fouls. But with Liberty as a coach, those were probably the only ones they counted. At sometime, ya gotta call it when the Tilden player gets her head blown off even if Valance is pointing a six-shooter at your person.
“Can I have some more pancakes? And can you pour some Aunt Jemima on them?”
“Mimi, get your ass back on the court or hand in your badge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
And, Gang, players DO NOT look at the stat sheet after the game because they know the only stat that matters is The Final Score.
But with Phoebe having the keys to the gym, how can it be a mystery how she got the stats in the first place. Just put it back in Mimi’s office when you’re done. Mimi needs it later for wallpaper.
The final installment, reluctantly so, in Black History Month is Tracy Chapman, a very successful Folk-Rock musician who has made her mark and then some.
A multi-Grammy winner, including songs such as “Fast Car” and “Give Me One Reason”, and her smash hit album, “Tracy Chapman” plus nominated for “Crossroads” and “New Beginning”, she has a way of making music that gets right to the heart of the matter. Poignant lyrics, shrewdly-crafted melodies, she keeps you hopping with enjoyment. And she does it with a flair that rubs off on you, compelling you to carry out her message. She has performed the world over and has only gotten better as the years have rolled by. I have always liked her videos as they often give a stark reality on life but many times she offers a light at the end of the tunnel. A troubador with a powerful persona, please join me in saluting a fine lady who is a credit to the world around her and makes that world a better place to live.
“…and that was the Mudlark String Quartet performing ‘Fool in the Rain’, Robert Plant on vocals and Mimi Thorp, the virtuoso on the viola. We’ll be back with more Milford Symphony Orchestra Performs Led Zeppelin through a generous grant from NPR Radio and Milford Foundry after these messages. This is WDIG-Radio, where Beethoven meets ‘When The Levee Breaks’.”
“Boy o boy, that’s one heck of a concert. I can’t wait until they play ‘Rock and Roll’. I understand the kettledrums have a killer solo.
Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse and our Food Court promotion went over so well, the good people at The Warehouse felt it only right to reward you with some more goodies.
Right now until March 14th, The Warehouse is staging Mix and Match on all your favorite liquors and fast food. But hold your horses and your beer, they’re throwing in an extra incentive that’ll keep your checks still attached to your checkbook. For every combo from your favorite food outlet AND a purchase of at least $10 on your liquor, The Warehouse will sell you a Commemorative Coin of Yours Truly with my favorite saying ‘If you can’t run with the Big Dogs, get out of my garage” for only $19.95. Folks, that’s a $79.95 value, not counting the six-pack of Falls City.
Now you know what good eatin’ is when you have that coin in your coin changer while snarfing on Long John Silver’s 68-Piece Jumbo Shrimp and Bombay Sapphire Gin in the 2-Liter plastic bottle. And paying without having to use 2 Milford Teacher’s Federal Credit Union Visa cards makes the shrimp go easier down your throat.
Or maybe you want to save the Coach Thorp Commemorative Coin till later to nail in the den next to the family portrait but still want your Wendy’s Baconator with Cheese washed down by Cafe Rumba Liqueur. Shoot, The Warehouse won’t charge you an arm and a leg to fork over the $25.99. You can even take the doggie bag out the door and the alarm won’t go off. Not for the food anyway.
And some of you may have seen enough of me that seeing my profile rubber-stamped out of U. S. Mint can be redundant. I understand. That’s why The Warehouse also has a 106-coin set available of all the 50 states and all the National Parks in our country. And all you have to do is purchase 2 30-Packs of Busch Light. Doggone it, I’ll give the cashier a Ben Franklin and tell him to keep the change if I can get a 2 cold mountains, some Whoppers, and a quarter with Rhode Island printed on it. I’ll give South and North Dakota to Jaime and Keri.
Come on down and see some more deals before they shut Milford Mines for some more coinage and get a slice of Big Macs and Yellowstone. And with an Old Milwaukee, the only thing that could make it any better than that is if the Swedish Bikini Team walked through the turnstiles. Come see how much better and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”
Gang, you’re the best. I still wonder how 4 fouls can be a helpful stat but you’re the best.
Mimi entering the gym one day
“Did I miss anything, Phoebe?”
SIX MONTH SUSPENSION
“Gil, there’s rumors floating around that you have Commies listed on your roster. Any truth to them?”
“No, Ralph.”
“Huh?”
“No.”
“Huh?”
“No.”
“Huh?”
“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!. Look, our team is stocked with full-blooded Americans. We may have a melting pot but they swear by Red White & Blue.”
“That’s not what I heard. My sources tell me you have a Viet-Cong guerilla disguised as your point guard.”
“My point guard? Schuring is as Mom and apple pie as you can get. He’s the last person who’d pledge allegiance to the Hammer and Sickel!!!!!!!!”
“Sure. And they have a Commerative Coin of Benedict Arnold for sale in Reader’s Digest. Did you ever see part of The Everglades named after him? Huh?
Unlike Dan Reeves, Alexa wants to let ’em see her sweat – and bang bodies, too – but doesn’t want to let ’em see her score? If you went by dialog alone you might this was an outtake from Eyes Wide Shut. This is no orgy, at least not on the scoreboard and not at the moment. Assistant Head Coach Phoebe Keener is about to change all that.
Nice to see Mimi has given up on coaching Alexa since effectively abdicating that role to Phoebe last week. This is painfully apparent during the timeout. So the Milford girls have one (student) coach for one player and one for the rest of the team? Marty Moon should’ve noticed that and ran with it like a preschooler with a pair of scissors.
Mimi has lost control of the Lady Mudlarks and Rubin has lost control of this plot. It’s been two weeks since we’ve seen Chris Schuring and over a month since we’ve seen the boy hoopsters; can any of them get this thing back on the rails?
Well, look who showed up at the game to high-five the New-Look Watson. And like Zevon, I’d like to know her tailor. Awoooooooo, Werewolves in Milford.
Wasn’t it just last week that Mimi did a stand-in and practically distanced herself from Phoebe attempting to turn Alexa into a human Rock ’em Sock ’em Robot? Even when Mimi told Alexa that in order to get accepted at Harvard, she had to be a runaway train on offense? Yeah, don’t hokey-pokey this one, Mimi. Put your left foot into your mouth, take it out of your mouth, do the same with your right foot, then shake that thang all about and get your husband sexually aroused who’s sitting in the 3rd row behind the Mudlarkettes Dance Corps and come to the enemy gym lookin’ like The Sharp Dressed Man to greet Alexa as if you’d been step-by-step in this process. Oh, you’ve been stepping in something all right. I just hope your Jordache Jacket doesn’t have cow chips all over it when you take it to Milford Dry Cleaners. One can dream.
Because I’m a Western buff and watch shows like Death Valley Days and enjoy them in general but feel occasionally they take liberties with history, knowing that Charles Goodnight had cows but doubting that he had his pet cow in the same relationship a la Roy Rogers and Trigger
Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer
“Coach Thorp Appeals To Governor For Stay On Execution Of His Pet Zebra, Flossie.”
sub headline
“I couldn’t bear to see it at the slaughterhouse so that somebody could get a cheap T-bone steak.”
“Harry Boyle, I don’t like how Alexa is shoving people around all over Milford. She shoved an old lady with a cane the other day and got run over by Gil and Mimi on a tandem. I did some research and found out that the Milford Communist League is behind all this.”
“Oh, Ralph, come on. She’s just trying to up her game. I wish my son Chet had that much energy to get out on his own.”
“That’s what the League WANTS you to think. But if Alexa starts shoving around senior citizens at the Milford Bingo Parlor, pretty soon she’ll be shoving red-blooded Americans straight over the cliff. Then the Commies will put in a new coach and the Mudlarks will have nothing but players reading out of The Red Book.”
“Ralph, did you make this up or have you been in Gil’s office again for Twinkies and coffee?”
“I’m telling you, Harry, don’t blame me if they resurrect Lenin from his tomb and he takes Mimi’s place. Then you’ll have Commies shoving people out of the way when they try to sit in the booth at The Bucket and order Bucket Chop Suey. It’s fishy, Harry.”
“No.”
“Fishy.”
“No.”
“Fishy.”
“NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Look, Alexa is a decent girl. Do you think a valedictorian would want to make America run by Big Brother?”
“They already have Big Brother in power. He draws a paycheck and does nothing. Gil is a model for ‘Each according to their need’. Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s reading Trotsky while sitting on the john.”
And are we playing in an igloo? Or maybe they’re minion’s in some 8-year-old’s Lego Block set? The consolation prize is that surely that kid isn’t wearing Donettes on his ears like Mimi is displaying while celebrating her non-entity status with Alexa.
I worship her joie de vivre
Her breath reeks Febreze
She is perfect in every frickin’ phase
Even though she coaches from a telephone booth
Her athletic insights match those of Babe Ruth
Wait till Mimi gets
Unless she’s taking bets
Wait till Mimi gets hooommmmeee
She and Gil never go for the kill
They both coach on a fart and a whim
Mudlarks today like to play their own way
And what Coach Thorp doesn’t know won’t hurt him
Boy, wait till Mimi shows up at home indeed. She might learn a thing or two after getting familiar with the architectural design of Jefferson’s gym. Now if only she knew the floor plan of her own. When you have to max on your credit card to rededicate your life to the basketball court via Milford Floor & Tile, well, as the fans always say to bad officiating, “Open up your eyes, you’re missing a good game.” Wanna borrow my 3-D glasses, Mimi?
Because 12 points is an improvement but certainly not enough to convince me that she can sustain that level of play, as if getting called for charging after backing down your woman in the paint then flying on a spree is going to be the table d’hote henceforth. I’d increase the odds if Mimi had a hand in things and not letting Phoebe get thrown to the lions if Alexa backs down a police officer after the game to get out the door to stay true to character, yet be the first in line at the Milford Soup Kitchen to enjoy Alexa’s Crabmeat Special while Phoebe is off in a corner gnawing on Milk Bones. The dignified thing to do would be at least throw Phoebe a pincer every now and then.
If yore daddy shows up at yore game after they gave him a 3-day pass, then after ya score 38 points and 24 rebounds to win the game in triple OT, the authorities return him ta the chain gang ta work on the Milford & Oakwood railroad track, ya might be a redneck.
And is that Chris in the audience? Well, after all, he’s the second head in this two-headed monster that has replaced Mimi as the coach. I reckon that’s better than no heads on Gil’s team. And that’s scary. Basketball without representation is tyranny. I’d almost welcome Beef-a-Roni/Beef-a-Ghetti Head to lead the boys team in wind sprints.
Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer
“O.J. Heavily Fined And Delivered An Official Reprimand From Milford Condo Suites!!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
“They never told me that a Polled Hereford was not included in the pet policy.”
“Irma, it’s bad enough that Chet needs to get his own place and that he got fired after he was caught dumping Cheerios in the Bucket Spaghetti Special when he couldn’t find the Bucket Noodles. But when he’s given a T for imitating a Lear jet and trying to knock the Tilden player on the floor by blowing jet fumes in his ear, trying to intimidate your opponent shouldn’t land you on the bench.”
“So he tried to pass gas on the player when he as boxing out, Harry. Gil taught him that. He told Chet to keep plenty of Bush’s Garbanzo Peas in his locker. He’s teaching him about Life. It may smell but you get the loose rebound anyway. Coaching isn’t always perfect. Mimi’s trying to teach Alice the same thing, only with Safeway Pinto Beans.”
“I hope to God the Milford Feeder League isn’t dispensing that information to Jaime.”
Peter-Panning your way to the rebound on the hopscotch board and holding your breath that the Tilden player in P3 is merely answering the altar call at the Billy Graham Reach Everyone in Milford By 2025 Crusade and not getting her patellae overworked. That’s the system Mimi’s using (we think) . As Phoebe said (that Mimi should have said) , the calls even out.
Today’s Black History Month installment is George Liele, a former slave who eventually became the first African-American missionary. Starting out in Savannah, Georgia in the Baptist denomination, he built a solid congregation, though he was a Loyalist, his reason being that he wanted no part of the Colonialists’ toleration of slaveholders in the American South.
Liele moved to Jamaica to start his mission work, eventually establishing another church that proved to be fruitful. Though plantation owners there were initially against his ministry due to fears of emancipation of their own slaves, Liele overcame all doubts, not to mention the notion that African-Americans could not escape the vicious cycle of slavery.
Instead, he showed through perserverance and love that African-Americans could live productive lives without chains bound to them. His ministry influenced many and further advanced the Human Race. Please join me in saluting a man who accomplished great things and helped people take a giant step forward.
“And Alexa knocks Jane Doe to the deck after kick-boxing on the drive. Alexa will be at the line to complete the 3-point play. Time out is called by Tilden with the score in the tenth round, rather, 3rd quarter, Milford, 47, Tilden, 31. We’ll take a commercial break, this is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG-Radio, a division of Learfield Sports.”
“When The Bucket is still trying to strong-arm the Milford Zoning Board to obtain a liquor license, even if they play dirty pool or throw somebody in a pool, that’s one thing. Personally, I’ve been on the bad end of blowouts and that’s the time to clear your bench, not try to claw back into a 51-point deficit. But maybe The Bucket knows how?to handle the 2-minute drill better than I do and will one day sell Schlitz and Sundaes on any given day.
But when they won’t allow honest, tax-paying citizens onto their Food Court area unless you have a Bucket Food Court Member card, that’s when they need to be called for over-and-back, that’s too many halfcourts crossed as far as I’m concerned.
Hi, this is Coach Thorp and let me tell you, Milford Beverage Warehouse says Come unto us, all ye that are hungry and heavy-laden and we will give you rest, booze, and some grub. Our credit is easy and our Food Court is wide. You won’t see any Pinkertons patrolling the area to check to see if you paid your admission. You can sit down and enjoy Big Mac’s and Korbel, $9.99 a bottle, and not have to worry about your papers being in order.
Want a Whopper and some Natural Light Naturdays in the 30-Pack? For $18.99 and some loose change, you can bask in the sunlight at the arboretum section of the Food Court and for a few dollars more you can make it a combo. Fries and a large Nestea Unsweet and the sun rays are still free, isn’t it nice to enjoy Cheeseburgers in Paradise without Dirty Harry sticking his Magnum up your butt?
But we’re not all Ronald McDonald and Golden Arches around here. Long John Silver’s was another chain gracious enough to grace their presence here in the ambiance that is the Food Court. And if it’s atmosphere you want, The Warehouse is willing to oblige. And the obligation is pretty affordable when you’re consuming LJS Salmon Platter and Hush Puppies with Maker’s Mark Whiskey 1.75 Liter serving as your chaser. At $23.99 and lunch money, Boy, I’ll go out to the Bering Strait with the fishermen to snare some more. Salmon, of course, there’s no Maker’s Mark north of the Arctic Circle.
Now are you going to fork over $250 for a non-refundable, non-redeemable membership card and just get Bucket Rib Sandwiches in a cage? If they EVER get their liquor license, who really wants Bucket Clam Chowder and Coors Light in a roped-off area that would be better used as a playground than a so-called Food Court? With Adam-12 looking over your shoulder? No thank you.
Come to Milford Beverage Warehouse where our Food Court stocks Happy Meals and Wendy’s Doubles, Hardees Thickburgers and Domino’s Breadsticks for that discriminating liquor connoisseur and all you gotta do is leave your attitude at the door. You won’t need a hall pass to enjoy Jim Beam and Whoppers with Cheese. Don’t take my word for it. Come see for yourself and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.
Thanks for your patience, Gang. You didn’t pull an Alexa on me. God bless you.
Driving the streets of Milford one night after Tuesday Open League Bowling Night at Milford Bowl-a-Rama
“Harry, these Commies think they can overrun Milford without us Mudlarks firing a shot. But I’ve got a sure-fire prevention method to contain any Pancho Villas from being the janitor at Mudlark gym.”
“Ralph, let it go. I haven’t heard any ugly rumors about Maoists or Marxists invading our fair city. That’s as sure a thing as the Mudlarks making the Playdowns.”
“And let Fidel tear your ticket at the ticket window? Khruschev sell peanuts and Bud in the stands? Lin Piao be the timer? When I have the most fool-proof plan this side of the ocean?”
“Awwrriight, I’ll take the bait. What do you have in mind?”
“Simple. We look in the phone book for everyone with the last name ‘Thorp’. Gus Thorp. Sigourney Thorp. Abraham Thorp. Grandma Moses Thorp. Elmo Thorp. Bubba Thorp. Tom Thumb Thorp. William Makepeace Thorp. Pytor Ilyich Thorp. The whole Thorp crowd. Our vigilante group will round ’em up and send them on the next cruise shop bound for Russia.”
“Ralph, there’s a number of honest Americans with the last name ‘Thorp’.”
“I realize that. If they brush their teeth with a 9-iron and use Quaker State to lubricate their car and hair, I’ll assume they’re on the side of Old Glory.”
I love Coach Thorp so swell
But she starts to yell
Everytime she’s advised to coach
Just wait till Mimi gets
She wears a nice hair net
Wait till Mimi gets hooommmmeee
“Hi, Mimi. Long day?”
“Ah, I let the kids work on the press-breaker. Those Bucket Tenderloins are to die for. Have you seen their Food Court?”
Well, it looks like Phoebe’s theory was borne out. The Jefferson defender is getting out of the way and giving Alexa a smooth path to the hoop. (Hey, there’s that rectangle again.)
Surely Jefferson has coaches. Will these coaches request that their players defend the lane now that newly assertive Alexa is determined to plow through it on every possession? The Jeffs have a banner indicating some sort of championship in this century. One would think there is someone paying attention in the bench area.
Oh, Alexa is also pulling up and shooting jumpers. Wow. What a transformation! What’s a few dislocated shoulders and dented lockers at MHS now that offensive juggernaut Alexa Watson has been unleashed.
So now all that’s left is for Alexa to thank Chris Schuring for the advice (via Phoebe) and the two would be valedictorians/emerging hardwood beasts can just put competition aside and just bone already! (Did I say that out loud?)
The quote is often attributed to Albert Einstein, but it ain’t necessarily so. What is so is that it’s one of the most overused clichés in modern writing. Gil Thorp is chock full of clichés, so it should come as no surprise that we’re resorting to one today. (Honestly, I sometimes think that Rubin has a hatful of about a dozen slips of paper with tropes written on them, pulls out three at the beginning of each season, and runs with them as his arc. For example, “Insecure Braggart” + “Parent Living Vicariously Through Child” + “Tone-deaf Marty Moon” or “Dysfunctional Home Life” + “Manipulative Uncle” + “School Board Member with a Grudge.”)
Putting her newfound pushiness into action, Alexa drives to the hoop only to get called for doing the sprinkler charging by Jackie Rogers Jr. Judging from how the Jefferson defender has her hand wrapped around Alexa’s bicep, she mustn’t have had to to sell the charge too hard. The Lady Jeffs mustn’t push the ball upcourt very fast either, since Alexa and Phoebe have time to analyze in complete sentences as they loaf back on D. Enter the insanity.
While she does have a point, Phoebe’s logic is flawed: Sure the zebra might call the block next time, but who’s to say the Jefferson girl won’t just plant herself and draw another charge? Either Alexa gets into quick foul trouble or reverts to form and starts kicking it back out to her gunner. Milford will lose and Mimi and Phoebe will play “Who’s the Coach Here?”
We finally arrive at gametime for the new Alexa; the Frankenstein that Phoebe created. I dont know how Alexa playing more forcefully helps Phoebe’s game at all or how its in her best interests. Ultimately each player is better served to maximize their potential at that level and its really up to the coach to combine each players individual skills into a cohesive unit, both offensively and defensively. When these 2 go off to college and later into the real world, they’d better be able to manage their own lives because odds are nobody will be there to tell them how to run through people.
Basically my point is Phoebe should worry about her own development as a player because thats all she will have in the end. If she really only cares about Alexa’s development, then quit the team and be a coach.
Mimi needs to be telling Alexa what Phoebe is saying, however as a coach she also needs to be sensitive to Alexa’s personal goals as a person. If A doesnt have it in her to be an offensive force, then no browbeating by anyone will achieve the desired results.
I have a comparison — in 1984 Jim Frey took over the Cubs and worked with Ryne Sandberg on his swing. He told Ryno- you’re a big strong guy, you can turn on balls and hit them out of the park, instead of merely making contact and hitting singles to the opposite field, as Ryne was accustomed to in his career so far. The result was an MVP season for Sandberg as he became a power-hitting catalyst for a division winner that was a game away from the World Series a season after winning only 71 games. I remember it well, and it was an individual improvement unlike any I’ve ever seen. Of course Sandberg wound up in Cooperstown, and Jim Freys coaching played an invaluable role in maximizing his talent.
In the meantime Young Phoebe Frankenstein better hope that her monster doesnt kill anyone on Jefferson.
This plot’s getting stinky (plot’s for superfreaks)
‘Larks stunned by a rinky-dinky (downed by uber-geeks)
Alexa needs to take charge (shoot the goddam rock)
Cuz Tech is livin’ large (and change your goddam socks-phew!)
SUPERFREAK
SUPERFREAK
PLOT’S A SUPERFREAK, YEAH
When I saw Rick James’ granddaughter on the roster and joining the rest of the happy crowd on the court, I knew what I wanted to say today. Lord almighty, Thorpiverse, sometimes you make this easy.
WHAT IN THE NAME OF JOSH STERLING IS UP WITH THE SMILEY VISAGES TODAY or any other time that Milford hits the hardwood or field? You Thorpiverse veterans know exactly what I’m talking about. In no other sports comic strip on the globe will you see players in the HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY mode.
When Kirk Gibson slammed that home run in the ’88 Series, okay, he was in a HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY mood but you didn’t see Dennis Eckersley in a similar mien. No ear-to-ear grins when he blew the save opportunity like there’d be if the freshman phenom for Mudlark Baseball blew his own game against Oakwood. When Franco Harris grabbed the Miracle Catch back in the ’70’s, Smiley Faces were not in hot pursuit. The opposing coach did not display his Vic Braden smile.
WOW FRANCO ATTABOY I KNEW YOU ALWAYS HAD IT IN YOU YOU JUST NEEDED SOMEBODY FROM THE STANDS CHEERING YOU ON I STILL WANTED MY MIDDLE LINEBACKER TO GRAB YOUR ASS AND STUFF YOU IN THE WATER SPRINKLER BUT WAY TO GO FRANCO
But in Thorpiverse, this is the modus operandi. Kick your opponents’ dental work and hope you uproot a couple of biscupids with your cleats but don’t worry be happy while you’re stomping him in the turf. Committing flagrant fouls with a frown is an automatic ejection, the opponent shoots 2 free throws, and they get the ball back at the halfcourt line. Next time be as mirthful as Ren so that Stimpy gets so pissed he gets benched for a quarter and has to smell Coach Kaz’s Brut Faberge Possum Scent if you want to avert the ejection even if the other penalties still apply.
HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY
HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY
“Coach, Keith Smart MADE the shot.”
I want to give a shout-out to The Bookworm in Corydon, Indiana. They always have the things I need and a lot of my comedy ideas have come straight out of the books I buy at their store. They have a KILLER Louis L’Amour collection, a plus for this Western buff. But they are more than likely to have the topics you need either to read when you are in your leisure time or to pursue your favorite hobby. Gang, stop in and say hello and check out the merchandise and there’s A LOT of the merchandise. I endorse The Bookworm as the place to go for books and other great stuff.
Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everyone knows your name.
I was taken aback by a sign I saw at a KFC drive-thru that said that hearing-impaired people needed to drive up to the take-out window for their order. Okay
SORRY COACH COLLARED GREENS DO NOT COME WITH THE BUCKET CHILDREN’S HAPPY MEAL
“Gil, we have some Green Giant cans at home.”
“Huh?”
Now let me see if I can solve Encyclopdia Brown’s latest, the Case of the Skewered Basketball Court Perspective (Boy, I just love unraveling Rubik’s Cube a/k/a Thorpiverse Pavilion) . After I’ve dropped a quarter on the gasoline can, I THINK the Tech player is headed straight towards the edge of the cartoon panel. In other words, if you’re reading the paper, you might want to steer clear if you don’t want to get bowled over by the breakaway lay-up. Don’t get Sanka all over your Van Heusen shirt from a slam dunk on the house. Keep your Danish under the bleachers or breakfast table, depending on where you’re perusing the Milford Enquirer funnies.
Now if that be the case that the backboard is straight under my dining room ceiling, that means if I head in the opposite direction after the largesse lay-up, I am going to plow straight into the student section if the perspective is holding firm. Don’t ask me if it’s Valley Tech’s or Milford’s student section, I’m not assigned to write comedy blogs wondering who’s sitting where. Bleacher assignments in sports comic strip plots is somebody else’s headache. Like it’s my problem to lose sleep over whether Hiawatha and Chris are sitting in the front row or in the press box. I just know that if the Techster proceeds in the other direction, we might have to FON-THE-JAWS if she broadsides the Milford Pep Band. 10-car pile-ups involving the Milford cheerleaders, the timer, Valley Tech’s team doctor, Mimi’s assistant coaches, the New Thayer coaching staff scouting the game and Grandma Moses could get ugly. Don’t envy The Shark attempting to sort this one out.
And what are some of the students doing on the court ANYWAY? Coach Stuard taught me best, they can only put 5 out at one time. They can’t send the Cavalry. Yet, the Cavalry seems intent, in vain, on keeping the Techster from making the lay-up. Gotta be quicker on the draw, Cavalry. Next time, stop the outlet pass on the break. Put down your chili dog first. We don’t want stains on the court. The refs won’t let you back on the court until you use Shout on said stains.
If ya put up yore granddaddy, his girlfriend, her son, yore ex-wife, yore ex-ex-wife, yore ex-girlfriend, yore mother, yore mother-in-law, her mother-in-law, yore 3 sisters, variegated cousins and second cousins, and yore friend who wuz the best man at yore last weddin’ at yore trailer park home even if it’s over capacity as long as they follow yore one rule, flush when ya use the outhouse, ya might be a redneck.
And doesn’t it just stick in your craw when Milford’s been bonking all this time and Thorpiverse says Milford’s been clanking in the same period? Thorpiverse, you say Tomato, I say CLANK.
As if we’re going to check our Webster’s New World Dictionary to fine-tune the situation. Oh yeah, bonk comes from Old Norse which somehow migrated to Gaul and blended in with the Middle French after citizens of Cherbourg, while they were hanging the clothes out to dry saw some Viking ship in the distance and observed Hagar the Horrible bonking mutinous Vikings with his shield because the hapless mutineers got fed up with Bucket Reindeer Burgers for 31 days straight.
“Bonjour, Hagar, aren’t you afraid your charges weel dee-zert and de-PART for Guadeloupe after you whomped them side their head?”
“We use ‘Bonk’.”
“Do you not fear zat your charges d’affaires weel hit ze road, Jack, after you bonked zem with one Milford Lady’s practice basketballs?”
“They can check out of Milford anytime they like but they can never leave.”
And CLANKING? Granted, clanking is an acceptable part of basketball shooting jargon. Yes, I’ve played basketball and clanked quite a few but really, I have never clanked and bonked simultaneously. I guess you clank when you hit any part of the rim and the shot doesn’t go in. Not too many Reggie-for-3 BOOM BABY’s ever fit that category. But when you bonk, it’s like in P2, Thorpiverse would have you THINK the ball drew iron when in reality they grazed the bolts holding up the backboard. It would explain the funny sound. Clears up a lot of air from my angle.
So the next time you bonk with your hammer, you’re really not hitting the nail, leastwise not according to the Old English etymology out of Random House, y’know, the part in parenthesis at the end of the definition. No Aramaic < New Chaldeac < Mesopotamian < Old Plattdeutsch < Middle English will bail you out when your hammer’s bonking fire ants or leafhoppers or the bird droppings on the 2 x 4 left in the sun too long. I can clank with my hammer. There’ll be a lot of chipped saw blades, dead roaches, and injured thumbs. But bonking’s out of the question. You get bent nails from clanking.
At the waiting area in the parking lot at The Bucket where Coach Kaz is, well, waiting
SIR WE DELIVERED YOUR BUCKET PORK FRITTERS AND BUCKET DILL PICKLE CHIPS. YOU’LL HAVE TO MOVE
“Excuse me, let me remove my earring. Now what did you say?”
She’s a very clanky girl
The kind who shoots just like her mother
She will maybe hit the backboard
Or seat where sits her brother
The girl is pretty clanky (shoots like superfreaks)
Her offense hanky-panky (hasn’t shot in weeks)
She needs a shooting clinic (consult a trainer soon)
Her season’s been no picnic (gets chafed by Marty Moon)
SUPERFREAK
SUPERFREAK
SHE’S A SUPERFREAK YEAH
Now we get to the Love Story angle in P3.
“Look, Jennifer, I can’t hit the broad side of the barn either but I’m using hockey sticks and your dad might know a thing or two about baking cookies but he can’t teach you ‘arch and a spin, go for the rim’.”
“Up yours, Preppie. You might have gotten lucky on that breakaway goal but that doesn’t make you Rick Barry. Just because you shoot the puck underhanded doesn’t mean I’m going to do the same with the basketball, I don’t give a damn if Barry was a career 92% FT shooter.”
Otherwise, what is the point of P3? Isn’t this the stupid leading the blind? I’ll admit he got John Dillinger and the rest of the hecklers sent to detention but I’m gonna barf if Schuring tries to be another Buzzy Braman. Chris, you have your own troubles with gunshyness and a dubious 4-for-9 shooting percentage to aggravate the problem.
WHAT are you going to tell her, shoot the ball even though I don’t shoot it myself and clank and bonk a few when I do decide to follow through on Gil’s advice???? Do as I say, not as I do???? I remember in my health book in 5th grade when the book pointed out that parents who smoke telling you not to do the same thing are like the guy falling in the river and warning everybody else to watch your step.
Alexa, shoot the damn ball or an NBA career will go by the wayside and then your kismet is wearing shirts that match the ceiling. Remember, aim for the front of the rim and keep reaching for the stars.
Gang, it’s February and it is time for Black History Month installments.
Today’s offering is a man I deeply respect and admire, Tony Butler. Butler is a London-born member of the Scottish band, Big Country, who achieved great things, mainly during the ’80’s. Their song, “In a Big Country” was a huge hit in the U.K. and the U.S.A. The group also released “Steeltown” in 1984, Butler’s bass ringing triumphantly throughout the album, the album reaching #1 in the U.K. and doing respectably in America (which, to me, was a crock because the album ROCKED. I’m still buzzing even to this day over “The Great Divide”). Butler took over the lead singing duties after the group’s founder, Stuart Adamson, committed suicide. Butler more than filled the shoes until he left the band in 2012. He went on to a solid teaching career. A major backup for Pete Townshend (“Let My Love Open The Door”) and Roger Daltrey (“Under The Raging Moon”) , please join me in saluting a man who has left a huge footprint in the music business.
I never knew that erectile problems are caused by clogs in your Significant Other, as one ad claimed. Welllllllllllllll
“And Milford clanks and bonks to an embarrassing 65-41 loss to Valley Tech. I’ll have stats and highlights after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”
“Daddy, I gotta go poopie BADDDDDDD. I got farty spots all over my Flintstones Underroos.”
“Just a minute, son. Daddy’s gotta fix the clog in the pipes. Now where was I? ‘Apply a capful of Drano to problem clog and wear protective glasses’. No problem, I have those on. Thank God, the industrial arts teacher had some spares he didn’t need anymore.”
“Gil, Jaime has an emergency. When did we ever have a clog in the toilet? I just used the bathroom 15 minutes ago.”
“Shoot, Woman, tell Jaime to go to the neighbor’s facility. It’s got a sump pump. Now that I got Drano in my wiener, where’d I put the plunger? Mimi, did you use it to cram the coffee grinds down the kitchen sink again? I can’t flush my problems away if I don’t apply the proper tools.”
“Gil, instead of trying to be an amateur plumber to your problem area, why don’t you try that pill, Miracle Rush 3500? It is guaranteed to pump you up through the miracle of circulating through your shriveled Polski Wyrob. I saw the samples at Milford Men’s Clinic.”
“I won’t have to use Liquid Plumber anymore? Because it ate all my pubic hair.”
“In fact, after using Liquid Plumber on the sausages, the inside diagram showed that the hair and grease barely budged. But pour Miracle Rush and some Ovaltine on your problem, and erections and grease are polar opposites.”
“Mommy, Jaime pooped on the sump pump.”
“It was embarrasing to have to clean the sump pump with a Brillo pad. And I was still stuck with a bathtub with Erectile Dysfunction and standing water. I maxed out on my Milford Teachers Federal Credit Union debit card but the returns were amazing. Miracle Rush got me harder than a see-saw and Mimi was ridin’ my see-saw with a Moody Blues vengeance. And the bathroom was an open forum once again. Come down to the Clinic and unclog your problem and feel like a man and a plumber at the same time. You’ll never use your plunger again.
Gang, you’re my world. Thanks for all your support.
Now back to “Another World” to see if Chris Schuring pops the question to Alexa.
SIR WE CAN’T FEED THE ENTIRE VALLEY TECH TEAM ON YOUR BUS BECAUSE WE RAN OUT OF BUCKET BUNS AND BUCKET BUFFALO WINGS BUT WE STILL CAN GIVE A COACH’S DISCOUNT
“Thank you, but I’m at the McDonald’s drive-thru.”
BONK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CLANK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BONK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CLANK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Gil, put down the hammer and use the Miracle Rush. It’s in the medicine cabinet.”
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