Gil, would that be your starting pitcher?

Lots to get to as usual so lets get it on….this strip is resembling water in a toilet bowl swirling down after a flush…lets count all the mistakes shall we?

P1- I know of no basketball announcer who uses full names during the action. Especially a name like that! And whats the big ass deal about 6 rebounds?? Get to 20 and then we’re talking.. and the ceiling looks to be a foot above the rim… the ball could almost be stuck on the beam just above Atazhoons hands. The defender should have his hands up and his eyes open. Error total : 5

P2 – Nice to applaud your team after a win but isnt that the fans job?? Are the coaches watching the game or coaching it? Fellas are older people, not high school kids… and the winning score should be listed on top in a strip; this isnt a TV broadcast where the home team is shown on the bottom. Gil also looks like he’s attending a wedding, not coaching a basketball game. That suit looks like it came from Just For Men. Error total: 3

P3 – Yes Gil I know its a play on words, but geez, you just had a blind person on your fucking baseball team last year and you decided he could safely pitch. Hope he wasnt in earshot of that remark. And YOU DONT GIVE OUT GAME BALLS IN BASKETBALL. I HOPE YOU’RE IN EARSHOT OF THAT, DOPE! At least Leo was humble enough to admit he wasnt the whole reason they won. Good boy. Error total: 2

That makes a grand total of 9 errors in one 3-panel strip. If that wasnt a shitfest one doesnt exist.

Our song today is by someone who fits what Gil was referring to.

In Bench We Trust

This is the second strip of a two-strip basketball game. Milford gets a win over Salem. Tobias has a cold night and gets testy when Gil sends him to the bench. It’s just all Toby all the time. Was the game even in jeopardy when Gil made the substitution? All we have is a final score that wasn’t terribly close and see that Tobias, despite being Mr. Prep all of the sudden, can get lost in thought instead of having his head in the game.

This strip is ticking me off. One panel to say goodbye to Kaz, then three strips in Scottsdale to insinuate that Mimi can still pull a young golf coach, and then this “game” to showcase the new kid with all the feels.

Not at the Bonfire, He Didn’t

Another smash cut, back to Milford and boys’ hoops action. In the course of hammering Tobias/Toby/Tobe/Toebeans, the Salem player gets a look of consternation as he player he hammered feels… somehow… different.

If Toebeans is getting mugged in P1, is Keri getting mugged in P2? Kudos to the Chief for the arms wrapped around neck poses in parallel. No clue why we’re getting the rando Milfordian showing us his choppers in the foreground, though.

Problems at the charity stripe, Gordon? You need to track down good old Kenzie Hanley to show you how it’s done. But why so distracted by Pedro on Keri like white on rice? Thought Dorothy was your babe and Keri was your bestie when you and they were kids. Have we been thrown from Mimi’s potential girl-on-girl tension to a potential bizarre love triangle?

Talk amongst yourselves. It’s late and I haven’t put a lot of deep thought into this. teenchy out.

Marty can’t tell front from behind. Should we worry?

The Mudlark boys’ basketball opener is under way and, as it’s a non-conference game, it falls upon us to try to figure out where it’s happening. Judging from their bird mascot and that Forest View is two words, not one, I’m venturing a guess that this is the no longer extant Forest View in the Chicagoland region. It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve seen a shout-out* to a defunct high school, though I’m not gonna comb the archives to find the example (it was a Detroit-area school IIRC).

Marty’s looking a little thicker around the middle and in the hand, which must be a side effect of his continued sobriety. Milford was shown yesterday in its road black-and-reds, so why is Forest View wearing what looks like the old “Block M” jerseys Michigan trots out from time to time (and which Milford also wore BITD)? Bigger question: where is this behind-the-back pass Marty’s calling happening, in his mind? Why is Marty continuing to call out uni numbers for the Mudlarks? Is the game being simulcast on TV2 and WBIG radio?

All that aside, how ’bout this NBA-style halftime score! Have both of these teams broken out the run-and-gun or forgotten how to play defense? At the risk of repeating myself, I appreciate Barajas incorporating the trans kid into the strip fairly seamlessly, with virtually no reaction from anyone in Milford, but making the kid magically become a star athlete on every sports team he goes out for strains credulity just a little bit. Can’t wait until baseball season when he breaks Joe Sharkey’s and Kevin Pelwecki’s long-ball records.

*I’m not sure if Mudlark big man Darius Simmons is also a shout-out to a friend, Rubin-style, but sadly the first hit I get when searching for him is a 13-year-old kid who was murdered in front of his mother in Milwaukee about a decade ago. There’s also a Darius Simmons playing football at McGill, where he could be a teammate of Chance Macy’s.

Goodnight, Milford

The big gamble didn’t pay off for Coach Thorp. Tobias Gordon’s leap of faith failed and their hopes were dashed in the finals.

Look at the contrast of Coach Luke and Coach Kim basking in glory while the pissy faces of Gil and Kaz tell the story of defeat, humiliation and probably an utter lack of football intelligence. I mean, maybe they should have tried something even trickier like a rainbow flick lob or, ya know, kicking an extra point for the tie. Oh heck, Milford probably would have lost on penalty kicks anyway. Also, there may have been more stoppage time than we had been led to believe, so they could have tried pulling their goalie for a man advantage. Next time, Gil should try the 9-iron and a triangle defense. And that’s why they call it cribbage.

Kudos for the colorist for staying consistent for a whole game.

Hey guys, yhs is really not feeling great today. Please have at it in the comments and I’ll see you next week as we throw out the first shuttlecock.

A Leap of Faith Is What We Need to Read Gil Thorp These Days

Well, at least someone’s been kicking extra points since my last Saturday post. But not now.

Barajas Thorp must’ve gotten the note from the syndicate that football season has to END. THIS. WEEK. and concluded that going to OT was verboten. That, or he watched the Chargers beat the Cardinals with this balls move a couple of weeks ago, channeled his inner Brandon Staley and grown a pair of his own. I know what you’re thinking and no, I’m not hitching that train of thought to a caboose.

In fact, the only way to read this strip is to suspend all disbelief, lay down all thoughts, surrender to the void… the void in which the teams are playing. Pay no mind that the clock isn’t supposed to run during extra point attempts, that the center snapped the ball with enough force to change the quarterback’s skin tone and knock his helmet sideways, that the quarterback took six seconds to hand the ball off to the running back (probably because he had to look through his ear hole), or that the running back took nine seconds to leap over the VT D-line (a D-line that is just laying down for the running back because the Milford O-line is nowhere to be seen). Don’t even think about VT getting the ball back with enough time to move down the field and score, ’cause we don’t even know if Tobias will land on the ground in 15 seconds. “Math class is tough. Want to go shopping?”

Let’s hope that the game ends with Monday’s strip and the rest of this coming week wraps up the football season. Let’s also hope Barajas has spent more time learning the rules of basketball than he has learning the rules of football. Finally, let’s hope Whigham remembers how to make the artwork match the narration. All of this hope is going to require a leap of… well, you know.

3 panels, 3 piles of hoo-ha

Like a full plate of food at a buffet, of which I was at 2 on Sunday, (Breakfast with Santa and the dog and a holiday party) we have a lot to digest.

P1– What kind of hat is that for a football coach not named Bum Phillips? Duh, Gil is behind and wants to pass it. Thats a brilliant thought. I dont know Gil from Adam (Sandler) but I know you pass when behind and run when ahead. Of course Coach Kim suggests the opposite- we cant stop the run so Gil will continue to run it. Goddamn it, this is high school. Just play your normal defense. I watched high school football for 35 years, and 99 percent of the defensive coverages look the same.

And why is the VT head coach referring to his assistant like that? Just say his first name. Your his boss, dope.

P2– The radio analyst announces what Milford needs to avoid OT— hey dope, the team that wants to avoid OT is the team thats ahead. Not Milford. Theyre behind. And whats THIS TD?? How about A TD?.. dope?

Apparently thats the Milford QB extending his arm into P3 where we have….

P3– Hey Marty– say the guys name that passed the ball, not MILFORD PASSES. Its not the whole team throwing the ball is it? Dope.

Rodney Barnes MAKES THE CATCH. Completes the catch is for the replay officials in the NFL to determine. This is high school. Dope. And nice defense by VT- not a defender in sight of Barnes; they obviously played the assistants strategy. Dopes.

And I pass the baton to Teenchy for the dramatic finish tomorrow. Will the Larks go for 2 or play for OT and extend the game into Christmas?

I’m ready for some dessert now.

NEW CATEGORY: DOPES.

Enjoy a clip of the real number 89 – Mike Ditka’s number retirement ceremony at Soldier Field.

Vive la Résistance!

Gentle readers, I must admit that there are days when I need a little motivation to try and understand a given day’s strip and to make a coherent post about it. Most Some days I have to broaden my horizons and try to find a pop culture reference to tie in the action or the dialogue. Most Some days the pure absurdity of what’s being presented lets the post write itself. Some days – and today is one of those days – that I just have to break the strip down into its individual parts and comment on each part. On those days it helps to have a mantra, and today’s mantra is Ohm. So let’s get to it.

P1: All together now: In American football, the team in possession of the football, or the offense, tries to advance the football down the field to score points while the team without possession of the football, or the defense, tries to stop the offense’s advance and to take control of the ball for themselves. In terms of the goals of each unit, the offense is thus the force and the defense is the resistance.

P2: Marty has been at this gig long enough that he should know the basic rules of the game. He should also know that the end of the second quarter in American football is usually referred to as “halftime” or “the half.” Or it could be that Lachlan doesn’t know that. Lachlan is a name of Gaelic origin, so he could be a noob at calling an American football game.

P3: Now we know how Marty’s been supplementing his income since he lost the TV2 job: by calling illegal dog fights over the dark web. Applying the dog fighting analogy to Valley Tech football might explain why there’s a chain-link fence right along the sideline of their field. Cage match rules at Valley Tech might explain why Maivia’s having such a good night, or day, hard to tell.

Stepping back and looking at the strip as a whole, you can see a flow of action, kind of like Eadweard Muybridge’s photos of horses. It’s the description of the flow that requires detachment and meditation. So please join me. Ohm…

meta: A moment of silence and a bag of candy corn on the curb for Mike Leach. Love him, hate him, or somewhere in between, you have to admit he made college football more interesting and less corporate. Rest in peace, oh pirate.