This Week in Milford

September 30, 2017

Before the Concussion Protocol, the Tackle-Eligible Protocol

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If you watched last Thursday night’s Packers-Bears game you no doubt saw one of the  dirtiest hits in recent memory. Even if you disagree with that assessment Danny Trevathan’s hit on Davante Adams did not separate Adams’ head from his body, as Oakwood #24’s head appears to have been done by his own teammate. I reckon if I my head separated from my body I’d stiffen eventually, too. Gil’s left palm has also stiffened as he shouts out instructions to his team and introduces us to another of his players. The backup guard may be named for a character from Buffy the Vampire Slayer or any number of people but is not a member of Split Enz or Crowded House. You’d think he might not want Oakwood to hear that, wouldn’t you?

Downpuppy, you called it! Three yards and a cloud of hair grease as The No Longer So Secret Pelwecki pounds it up the middle.  But wait: wasn’t Pelwecki wearing #11 in practice just a few days ago? Gil should know that players with uniform numbers between 50 and 79 are ineligible receivers in US high school football. They can, however, run or pass the ball so Pelwecki’s okay wearing the same #55 he wore last season (yay continuity!), at least on this play. Will Gil’s brand of smashmouth football win the game and send his players home? And will any of them get a concussion in the process? Stay tuned!

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July 8, 2017

That’s “Dafne.” “Hello” is my kitty’s name.

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I will refrain from falling back on my go-to “Who saw that coming?” from Black Dynamite except to say, well, I saw that coming.

Now that that’s out of the way, hey, sports! Well, sorta. Not only did laissez-faire Mimi let Daffy back onto the field after that fiasco, she let her take infield. Some of the other Lady Mudlarks must have run off from practice after being distracted by something or other.

I notice Drafty has a soccer ball in her room. Maybe Heather Burns left it behind for her. Anyhoo, while we await a week of hand-waving at Milford losses and Dafonte’s print mea culpa, we can at least have fun speculating on what misogynistic fun and games await us for the next eight weeks thereafter.

 

May 6, 2017

Chill, ‘Cane! You still got the W

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Having been yanked from the game by Gil, Ryan Van Auken looks startled as he trudges into the Milford dugout.  And no wonder: judging from the motion lines Whigham drew in, Ryan’s glove arced over his left shoulder before hitting the back of the bench in front of him.  He must have thrown that shit before he walked in the dugout!

Bobby Mitchell (not the one who integrated the Redskins) earns the save when a levitating Barry Bader wills the ball to rise vertically into his outstretched glove.  Awful nice of Gil to put stripes down the sides of the Mudlark unis; gives Barry a way to relate to his old man. But what is that leaf-like object hovering over Barry’s rear end?  An actual tobacco leaf?  An indicator of his preferred kinks?  Or something else?  Talk amongst yourselves.

March 2, 2017

“it’s not just a mint, it’s an oxycodone”

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“My mom’s drugs. Thalidomide, to be specific. You see, Coach, Mom has leprosy. That’s why she works from home and in the back office of that seedy old hardware store – she doesn’t want to be seen. That’s also why she doesn’t come to our games.

“She was prescribed thalidomide to treat some of its side effects. She knew she wasn’t supposed to be pregnant when she took it, or become pregnant, but she did anyway.  Now here I am, with my left hand attached to my shoulder like a flipper. Why else do you think I can’t hit the boards the way you want?”

Okay, you tell me whose hand that is in P1 then. Thing from The Addams Family in his recurring role as co-interrogator with smug-faced Gil?

“Aaron, those are Tic Tacs. She got ’em from Bobby Howry down at the MILFORD RECREATION CENTER.”

What a ham-handed way to work a current health crisis into the strip. And to think we could’ve had a Lady Mudlarks story arc running in parallel to this. Just as well; Rubin only had to introduce one character to fail the Bechdel Test this go ’round.

February 18, 2017

Ain’t No Answer in Me

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As expected, today’s installment reveals nothing except a potential physiological cause for Aaron’s inconsistent play: his horrible, horrible hip dysplasia.

What else to highlight? EES from some Milford rando, the usual shiny floors and Prairie Style windows, a couple other Milford randos shrinking back in fear from Raging Aaron? I’m going for Ken Brown’s nasty Gillette Fusion cut while maintaining his sideburns. Y’know, I’d kinda like to examine what Rubin’s done with Big Ken’s character over the past couple of seasons but I think that could get touchy. I think for now we can all agree that he’s been given feet of clay.

Post title came to me before anything else this morning. Rather than the more obvious invitation of comparisons between Gwen’s cover and the original, I thought of a more confrontational response.

February 15, 2017

McShanes Hardware – For All Your Escheresque Building Needs

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Folks, can we just mosey on past panels one and two? Thanks.

That brings us to McSHANES [sic], where we get a comparative bonanza of new information! Viz., Quad-A’s mother’s first name is Tina (not sure what street drugs that’s code for) and she’s in the back of a hardware store, which is presumably her place of employment.

January 28, 2017

Feed and Granger

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As Ned would say, “It’s Madison Time!”

Have you ever seen a basketball court where the free throw lane is three times as wide as the tipoff circle? No, that can’t be the three-point line since the lines for the lane are coming straight down from it with no top of the key in between. The basket doesn’t exactly line up, either. Follow that up with the weirdly foreshortened right arm of the Madison hooper and Aaron Aagard’s exploding forelock and the visuals are a bit much to take today.

Why am I expounding on this minutiae? Because it will come as no surprise on Monday when Quadruple A (channeling his inner El Hechizado in P3), missing his mommy, bricks the easy inside shot and sends Milford falling from the ranks of the undefeated. After that, we’ll spend the rest of next week trying to find out What’s Eating Aaron Aagard.

December 27, 2016

Taking An Elbow To The Neck Is A Kind Of Participation

Filed under: actual action, anatomically implausible, basketball — timbuys @ 9:41 am

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As Gil, Kaz and, apparently, the refs continue to ignore the proceedings, Ken takes his chance to step in and perform the coaching duties.

Question: Is that a window in the top right corner of panel one?

Edited to add: Seriously, is it a scoreboard? I can’t even be sure whether it is projecting out into the room or sunk back into the wall and don’t get me started on what those two little dots might be.

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