This Week in Milford

February 17, 2021

All About Shoes

Hey kids! Today you’re gonna get an installment of teenchy’s True Life Stories!

Back in the day when dinosaurs roamed the earth your old pal teenchy drove a ’66 Ford Mustang. These days ’66 Mustangs are considered classics almost on a par with Doug Guthrie’s GTO, but when I owned one it was a just a nice used car. While I was away at college I had a minor fender bender with it, requiring the replacement of the left front fender, the front bumper, and a headlight bulb. Not long after the repairs were done I drove back home to see the folks and let them see how well the repairs had been done. I brought a friend with me and that Saturday night we barhopped. On the way back home, much like ol’ Doug here, I saw the flashing blue lights behind me; unlike Doug, I thought I might be spending the night somewhere other than in my own bed.

Instead of “License and registration, please,” the first words the state trooper drawled to me were “Son, who painted yer car?” Stunned, I asked him to repeat himself, whereupon he proceeded to admire my Mustang’s paint job and its overall condition. I sheepishly admitted to the recent accident and repair and told him the name of the shop that had done the work. The trooper replied, “Well, they did a nice job, but I believe they forgot to hook up yer headlight when they finished up. I’m giving yew a warning and telling yew to hook them wires back up when it gets daylight in the mornin’. Yew’l see my name and badge number on that warning; if yew ever want to sell this car call the barracks and ask for me.”

Sure enough, the next morning I popped the hood and saw the left headlight connector and wiring harness dangling on the inner fender just below the sealed beam unit. I eventually sold the ‘stang but I never did call that trooper, though.

I’m guessing Doug’s having a similar experience with old Officer Wilbon here, but I’m a little confused about the tires comment. The Flowmasters probably let the Tri-Power 389 breathe a bit better but top end is as much a function of gearing as it is of horsepower. Doug might be implying that if the Goat were to run a little faster, he might have to replace its shoes with a set having a higher speed rating. Finding tires in the correct size for older cars is getting harder and more expensive by the day as manufacturers focus production on higher-volume sizes for current models. How that factors into Doug’s decision isn’t clear, and neither we nor Tom Muench have time for that, so off we go to Milford High and hoops practice.

Sorry for rambling on about my youth and the vagaries of classic car tires, but I figure it had to be at least as interesting as watching Tom and Doug awkwardly run laps for being late to practice. (Doug was so distracted he put his sneakers on the wrong feet.) Gil must take comfort knowing the hardwood is one place Clan Guthrie doesn’t lord it over him.

November 21, 2020

A Shot in the Dark

Oh geez, here we go again with the volleyball girls who finish each other’s sentences. This schtick is getting old, just like everything else in this fall arc. (Don’t try getting your left hand and wrist that close to your face at that angle like the dark-haired girl in P2. We don’t have any chiropractors on staff here.) So what’s with the tiny crack in Corina’s “What football team? I don’t care about the football team” veneer? Does the idea of guys fighting get her all tingly and stuff?

Now for the mildly interesting cliffhanger that might answer that question. It’s been established that Corinna has zero interest in the quarterback boys. So why the h-e-double-hockey sticks is she inviting Rapp over to her place on a school night? Time for a “shot” to impress mama Karenna by sitting in on a hot game of Uno? Or is mama Karenna off to therapy and Rapp’s “shot” is to steal as many bases as possible off the catcher? Oh, it’s high ribaldry at its best! And it’s about to start – let’s watch!

November 18, 2020

I’m Just Saying, But Did Milford Cover the Spread?

All action – well, almost all action – today as Milford dominates Tilden. Tom “Don’t Call Me Butt” Muench is all over the field, stripping oversized footballs and causing Theismannesque leg injuries.* Chance Macy, perhaps the most realistically drawn player we’ve seen in some time**, racks up the yardage and probably scores some points. Quick cut to the sidelines where a lineman who appears to be part flounder makes an aside to a young Sylvester Stallone that maybe the Mudlarks should have run up the score.

The Chekhov’s guns left strewn about over the past few strips are leading us to a logical conclusion that the Valley title will boil down to point differential. Either out of a sense of sportsmanship or of continued punishment, Gil will keep Stallone Rappson on the bench when his free-wheeling style of play would be more likely to help Milford obtain those margins of victory necessary to win the Valley. Someone will have learned a lesson, though I’m not sure who will learn it or how valuable that lesson will be.

In any event, it’s more entertaining than watching Corinna be a bitch to everyone she meets.

*Thirty-five years ago today. What a coincidence.

**Sticking with the NFC East theme, whenever I see a running back wearing #31 and an OPO-DW style face mask my mind goes immediately to Wilbert Montgomery.

November 9, 2020

Hip Dysplasia, Something Terrible

Today we get just a tiny glimpse at Mimi’s approach to coaching volleyball. She’s very focused on the arrangement of spectators and prefers all twelve people at the game to sit in a tight group. Beyond that, we’re all still in the dark.

It’s a good thing Gil has sway over everything that everyone at Milford High does and that Mimi can feed him chocolate ice cream and engage him in her seating arrangement dilemma. Of course ol’ Gil’s gonna do something about it. Umm, what the hell is up with Gil and Mimi’s legs in panel one? Their position relative to their respective torsos is insane.

I don’t know who the students in panel 3 are. I don’t know what gender they are. A day in Milford doesn’t go by without somebody doing something terrible. This is probably about seating in the gym, but what do these randos have to do with it?

October 24, 2020

Shush Me on the Bus

While there have been a few comics that have addressed the current global pandemic (including, ironically, that other sports-themed daily Tank McNamara), most have not. To date, the Valley has been virus-free, but looking at today’s strip I’m beginning to think Whigham has been influenced in some way by the pandemic’s impact on sports.

I mean, look at those kids on the Milford activity bus. With so little space between the rows of seats they’ve gotta be cardboard cutouts, don’t they? Their conversation is pretty two-dimensional too. The whole lot of them are adding fuel to the fire of the quarterback controversy that isn’t, except for Danny Bonaduce down in front there who’s slowly realizing that it’s not Shirley Jones behind the wheel. Who drives the Mudlark School Bus, anyway? Gil? Kaz? Cheech? Whichever coach isn’t driving needs to back there and nip this crap in the bud.

October 7, 2020

Alternative Facts Come to the Milford Locker Room

Well, not necessarily alternative, nor revised. Let’s just call them edited and leave it at that.

Of course lineman boy and whoever else was dressed out for the game knows Gil was gonna cut Terry a new one when he called audibles not once but twice. What did he expect Rapson to say? That Gil recognized his inherent superiority over Thayer and intended to make him the permanent starter? If it’s hot gossip he wants, he should just go to the diner and hit up Maureen.

Speaking of Thayer, he’s pretty quiet there on the bench next to lineman boy. Basking in the knowledge that the starting job is his to lose for the rest of the season, and the only snaps Rapson’s gonna see are the ones at the receiving end of his teammates’ towels as he collects them for the laundry Gil will be making him do as punishment? Or plotting out his next smooth lines to lay on Corina and snappy comebacks to her inevitable wiseassery? Let’s go to The Bucket and find out. Corina’s not gonna be happy when she finds out the food there ain’t free, that’s for sure.

September 12, 2020

Corina and the Angry Three Inches

Filed under: anatomically implausible, Mimi Thorp, shadow figures, Volleyball — teenchy @ 6:03 pm

I have been compared to several people over the course of my life. When I played baseball I was referred to as “a white Kirby Puckett,” more for my physical dimensions than my batting prowess. On more than one occasion in Philadelphia, I was mistaken for a former Attorney General of Pennsylvania. At a fundraiser for the National Ataxia Foundation and the Bob Allison Ataxia Research Center many years ago, I was mistaken for a certain actor by a couple of drunken attendees and pestered to the point that I signed the actor’s name on a couple of napkins to get them to leave me alone. Until yesterday, however, never have I been compared to Joan Rivers. I was beginning to think of myself as TWIM‘s version of Edwin Jackson – an innings eater. But, okay, fine. If I’m ever half as good at anything as Joan was at comedy, then I will have done well.

On to today’s strip. It wasn’t enough for Rubin to give Corina authority issues; she had to be a general jerk to everyone around her as well. Now we can add “wants to be violent towards people” to her psychological profile. She may also suffer from penis envy a Napoleon complex as she wishes she had Becca’s three additional inches to better inflict harm on her opponents.

I do appreciate the little difference of opinion between Becca and Susan on Corina; hopefully Becca’s take is a sign that Corina’s shtick is getting old. I also appreciate the contortions Mimi’s elbows have to go through to get her forearms parallel to her shirt placket and her palms up at collarbone level.

August 17, 2020

So Corina Did Have A Hat!

Filed under: anatomically implausible, Chunky Bracelets, huge earrings, huge hats, Maureen — nedryerson @ 5:49 am

Corina appears to be on a mission to find a place where there is support and treatment for her mom. There’s an old maxim (at least a week old), if you want anything in Milford, go to the Diner and Maureen can hook you up. True Standish found a practice catcher in Corina and now Corina can find support and treatment for her mom. We’ll just sit back and wait for Maureen to go through her Rolodex and pull up some affordable, comprehensive mental health care for Corina’s mom. Maybe Corina has a line on some low income housing too, assuming that Corina and her mother aren’t rolling in dough. While Mo works her magic, it’s a good time for a picnic down at the lake.

I’m wondering how widely available comprehensive mental health care is in the entire Valley and in Milford in particular. Is there any reason why you could expect that it so happens that Milford is a mecca for psychiatric services while the rest of the valley is lacking in these resources? What are the chances that some key community resources exists in Milford alone but not in the surrounding area? Should I just cool it with my questions and let Maureen do her thing?

One last thing: What’s going on behind Alexa? It looks like disembodied freak hands are reaching up to grope her.

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