This Week in Milford

April 6, 2022

Next Stop: Donut Town. Population: Two.

That box o’ donuts Heather brought Gil yesterday looked like it came from Donut Town. Wonder if Guy Fieri ever stopped in there? Marjie never brought Gil donuts. She never sat that close to Gil, either. No way they’re not playing footsie or more under the desk. Look at those enormous mitts on Heather; they’re as big as Gil’s. No wonder Gil put her in at tight end.

Aren’t you glad the last couple days of incoherence got settled? Wilson Henry is the catcher. Gregg Hamm is one of the pitchers. As for the rest of Neal’s friends on the Mudlark roster, where have we seen them before?

Gonzalo “Gonzo” Aceves, Dallas George and Curtis Charles return from last season. So, for that matter, do Morton Levi (who was a relief pitcher last season), Eldrick Boston, the aforementioned Wilson Henry and “Blowtop” Chance Macy, who has been around since forever. Go to Canada already! Nomar Ramos played basketball this past season, and Steve Lehto played football. Second base is our midweek cliffhanger.

Zane Clark has graduated. Wonder if he’s still on the library board.

In any event, a veteran roster, one with experience in underachieving. Time to sit back and watch the underachieving unfold. Pass me a donut, willya?

March 5, 2022

A Growth Opportunity?

Gene Rayburn: “Self-anointed Captain Selfish Hollis Talley is so selfish…”

Studio audience: “How selfish is she?”

Gene Rayburn: “Self-anointed Captain Selfish Hollis Talley is so selfish, she asked Coach Thorp to [BLANK].”

Gary Burghoff: “She asked Coach Thorp to make everyone pass her the ball?”

Brett Somers: “She asked Coach Thorp to put a hard seltzer dispenser in the locker room.”

Charles Nelson Reilly: “She asked Coach Thorp to pass her the loofah in the shower.”

Patti Deutsch: “She asked Coach Thorp to make her assistant coach.”

Richard Dawson: “She asked Coach Thorp to put her on the rack.”

Betty White: “She asked Coach Thorp to move her to guard, even though she’s taller than most of her teammates, so that she could get experience at the position so that she could try out for the Air Force Academy basketball team.”

With that ultimate Frisbee crack, you think Rubin’s aiming for a crossover with Mary Worth?

(apologies to tdrew for using the Match Game schtick)

March 2, 2022

Kaiser Gilhelm Steps Up

Man, check out the withered arm on Gil! Is he ready to be Emperor of Germany or what? Actually, his forearm looks to be appropriately sized, but his bicep has shriveled considerably. Must be hard keeping his arm still above the elbow while he shoots pocket pool. That, or all the blood in his arm has traveled to his super engorged hand.

Now that Dr. Pearl’s involved, Pardon My Pranit is just steps away from taking the express bus to Valley Modified. He should’ve gone there first to find his hired muscle.

What’s today’s lesson, gentle readers? All together now: “Always get the money up front before you place someone else’s bets.” Sheesh, what an amateur.

February 23, 2022

The Goon Squad, Part Deux

Who didn’t see this coming? Pranit Rock may know how to bet on sports himself but he doesn’t know how to bet for other people (money up front, you dolt!) or how to collect the money he’s fronted for other people. So now someone else besides Gil could use some muscle and, again, that muscle is taking the form of Gordon Achebe.

Gordon’s been bulking up on what look like pickles^ so he should be ready to pound that Budweiser some welchers, including the John Daly clone and… uh… the… tennis betting girl? Nah, I can’t see that happening. Gordon has shown himself to have some amount of common sense since his debut in the strip, and I don’t see that going away here. Pranit Fitness is gonna have to find some other way to collect on his debts. Maybe he can send the mook who’s gonna come after him in a matter of a couple of days.

How did the Mudlarks do against Madison, btw? The boys have played four, five games tops? Did Pranit Hollywood maintain his confidence from behind the three-point line, or did it wilt like his betting prowess? Probably will never know except in exposition.

^ Interesting table manners there. Who takes a bite out of a burger then sets the burger down with that bite facing away from them? For that matter, who palms an apple like, well, a basketball and takes a bite out of it from top to bottom instead of around its circumference? The Chief needs to knock off his fixation on big hands, pointy fingers and clunky jewelry and focus on how live human beings handle everyday objects. Alright, thinking about this nonsense is giving me a headache. I got nothing more intelligent to add to this today. teenchy out.

January 8, 2022

“This is your captain speaking. I’ve turned off the ‘No Hogging’ sign…”

Job One as Lady Mudlarks captain: hand feeding your teammates pizza, apparently. At Casa Talley, Hollis floats a piece in front of McKinsey consultant Cathy Sasaki in an effort to snap her out of her trance and get some input on how to lead the team.

If Cathy’s math comprehension is any indication, Hollis may be better off ignoring her. It looks like only about a third of the pizza has been eaten at most; even if Hollis has been doing all the eating so far, there’s still enough left for Cathy to get her share and then some. Better Hollis lean on her apparent powers to make the pizza regenerate, fold her body in half, pull her head into her shoulders turtle style and make her cleavage magically disappear.

Cathy does have a point just the same. Off to a 1-2 start – all in non-conference games – isn’t quite time for soul searching or rallying the troops so much as its finding out who and what works on the team or doesn’t. That’s more Mimi’s job, so, um… yeah, maybe Hollis does need to figure out what she can do as captain to help the team.

meta: Kinda stinks that I used up all of my Sidney Poitier references here before the time came to actually pay him tribute. I thought Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner lent itself naturally to the Aaron Aagard saga but finally found a use for it during the Summer of Jaquadley. I even worked a They Call Me MISTER Tibbs! reference in very early during my time here. Maybe something will come to me, like the Milford basketball teams finding their stride in the heat of the night.

December 15, 2021

Milford Rocks to the Pranit Rock

Boy, wait until the USAFA gets wind that Hollis Talley dislocated her shoulder returning an awkward high-five from a classmate. Hollis appears to be either a deceased Tennessean, a deceased Texan or a deceased Arkansan.

Now it’s time to hear from our Milford boy protagonist this season. Pranit Smith appears to be either a phone scammer or an online scammer. Like seemingly every other Milfordian (Milfordite?) these days, he’s somehow under the spell of the little machine in his hand. Maybe he’s trying to land a spot in the Top 100 Scammers List. Since the only boys’ sport we see in the winter is basketball (no pesky gymnastics, skating or rugby to distract them), Pranit’s gonna be playing hoops for Gil. Why the Valley no hockey? There’s a Winter Blast with ice skating, and we saw a figure skater a while back, so… oh, wait, never mind. I’ve beaten this dead horse before.

Let’s sit back and see how Pranit’s quest to break the Top 100 in whatever will interfere with his sportsball just enough to keep his team from achieving success. Gil will intercede just in time for Pranit to learn his lesson but not in time for the Mudlarks to make the playdowns. Either way, you know he’s gonna hit the court to this tune.

December 4, 2021

Let’s Snot and Say We Did

(alternate title: “Talkin’ Smak!”)

Well, kudos to Neal Rubin. Before today the compound word “snot-pound” apparently did not exist.

This week of kids standing on cafeteria tables spouting stupid platitudes comes to the stupidest, most platitudinal (dunno if that’s even a word) end possible. Just who had “negative expectations” of Tevin based on four or five plays in jayvee? Only one kid ever even mentioned it – the same jackhole standing there posing like he knocked out Sonny Liston even as he’s getting roasted – and nobody put any credence into it.

And how many kids placed their trust in hypno-jackhole there? I count three: the kid who needed a B on his algebra test, the lineman who kept missing his assignment on the jet sweep, and Kianna, who might not have had Tevin not pretended to be the fourth and played along with the jackhole. So on whom do we pin the Mudlarks’ late-season collapse? (And where the heck has Marty been to do the pinning?)

That one’s easy: this falls squarely on Gil and Kaz. No sooner than word spread round the campus that jackhole had tried his parlor trick and was taking credit for Milford wins, they should’ve nipped it in the bud. But nooooooOOOOOOoooooo! Somehow it dragged on until “six or eight guys” had undergone the jackhole treatment. Only then did Gil give his half-assed “we’re good!” speech, whereupon the Mudlarks crapped the bed and haven’t won a game since.*

We can only hope today’s strip wraps up the arc. The only loose end to tie up is finding out which sport Kianna quits; the rest is all Spiller – I mean, filler.

*Somehow we never saw these six or eight guys get hypmotized. Another hole in the plot, kinda like the holes in Georgia’s allegedly vaunted defense (speaking of crapping the bed… and now you know why today’s post was so late).

November 10, 2021

Peppy? Hush!

Today it finally dawns on Kianna that Boyd’s little parlor trick might just have a placebo effect. While there have been studies showing that hypnosis – even self-hypnosis – as a form of cognitive therapy can have a positive effect on chronic fatigue syndrome, simple fatigue isn’t quite the same as CFS. It’s noteworthy that most sources claiming hypnosis can treat everyday fatigue are from hypnotists themselves. So take that with a grain of Adderall.

Kianna’s best bet? Get more sleep, drop one of her sports, and learn to take advantage of her incredible shape-shifting abilities. With massive forearms and hands like that, she should slay on the uneven bars.

Post title inspired by one of my favorite Leo Kottke songs.

Older Posts »

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.