T, Boned

teenchy here pulling emergency backup duty for tdrew. Trying to squeeze this into a full work day so will be brief.

Looks like the Claxtons might be more than just “a two-boring-silver-SUV family.” What’s this purple thing with a trunk that Tevin’s dropping his backpack into? Couldn’t be Doug Guthrie’s bitchin’ ’66 Goat, could it? Can it help him compete with volleyball and gymnastics for Kianna’s attention? Doesn’t look that way.

No clue who the Greek chorus are or what benefit they bring to the strip. Maybe they’re volleyball teammates of Kianna’s making excuses for her behavior. Maybe they’ll earn names before this arc is over.

Time will tell whether it’s male attention or a lack of bandwidth to maintain her skillsets that makes Kianna drop one or the other of her athletic pursuits. Either way, the decision is sure to be made off-panel and told to the readers in the past tense.

Sorry to be so terse. teenchy out.

You’ve Got Other Things to Jab, IYKWIM

Looks like Paul Muench wasn’t long enough, if you know what I mean.

More like Zane Clark came up a little short, if you know what I mean.

I think Katy Brito’s ready for him to jab her capulets anyway, if you know what I mean.

But if Zane wins the Library Board position, he’ll have to sharpen his own pencil, if you know what I mean.

But if Katy’s dad wins the Library Board position, Zane won’t be logging on, if you know what I mean.

Either way, Zane will become a two-time loser in one day, if you know what I mean.

Not if Gil’s bribe pays off, if you know what I mean.

Twenty-nine years is a long time to be eating pie, if you know what I mean.

Betcha that old codger won’t be eating pie on the Library Board anymore, if you know what I mean.

Too bad Zane won’t be needing to use the library once his senior year’s over, if you know what I mean.

Too bad Gil didn’t grease the skids for Zane to get into college like Mimi did for that Corina kid, if you know what I mean.

Maybe Zane should have run for library janitor, if you know what I mean.

[long, drawn-out pause]

Say, that stairway at Milford High looks like it was designed by M.C. Escher, if you know what I mean.

Color Me Inconsistent

Yesterday and Thursday it was Zane changing outfits from one panel to the next (not to mention Katy’s eyes changing from blue to brown). Before that, it was Mama Brito’s constantly color-changing hair. Today it’s the always-red Mudlarks in black and chartreuse. There’s a lack of institutional control in the Thorpiverse and it’s throwing everyone for a loop. Hell, even Marty’s so pissed that his notebook is bleeding out onto his shirt and he’s karate chopping his pencil. Then again, his sippy cup’s nowhere to be seen so he might just be having a case of the DTs.

The Mudlarks have apparently traveled to Austin, Texas, to face Crockett. (There are no doubt other Crockett Highs; as this one hasn’t been identified by nickname yet, I reserve the right to come back and edit this post.) After his shaky bullpen outing, Zane Clark has somehow earned a right to a start, and he almost immediately goes all Robin Roberts Max Scherzer and gives up a gopher ball. He’s not throwing strikeouts like Mad Max, unfortunately.

Gil and Kaz laugh this off Bull Durham style. Surprised Kaz didn’t make a crack about the ball having a stewardess.

They must figure if Zane digs a hole early, he can’t blow a lead.

Seriously, though. There has got to be someplace that still runs this strip in black and white, doesn’t there?

That Cavalry Must Be Custer’s 7th

No deep analysis today, just the kind Marty Moon might do between pulls off his sippy cup of power.

Kaz’s gratuitous finger-point makes zero logical sense as he’s pointing in no particular direction. Maybe it’s just a general “up,” as in “You ready to get lit up, Zane?” Oh, Zane’s ready alright. He’s been tossing simulated games to his kid brother in front of nobody for the past two years.

Our cliffhanger: Will Zane blow the save? Will Mark indeed become “Fear of” Godleski if Zane loses his W? Will Gil apply his infallible Thorpian logic to explain Zane’s meltdown to Mark and the team that the only losses that matter are conference losses? Or can Zane find his stuff, recover and enter his relief pitcher period? Or will the Bulldogs suffer the same kind of screw-ups the Mudlarks typically do?

Nice early spring weekend out there. Baseball is back, and a little closer to the pre-pandemic version. Crowds are coming back to the ballparks. Now get out there and enjoy yourselves.

Two Douches and a Four-speed and a 389

What have we learned today, TWIMers?

1. Doug Guthrie’s favorite NASCAR racing family? The Pettys.
2. Vic Doucette was seen by drove a Plymouth Satellite faster than the speed of light.
3. When it comes to teaching your kids how to drive, Doug’s dad got it all wrong. Kid sits on dad’s lap, steers and shifts while dad works the pedals and takes hold of the steering wheel as necessary.
4. Thanks to #3, Gil Thorp is the strip that has come the closest to a depiction of road head since For Better or for Worse introduced the bizarre term “going roadside.”
5. A girl rejecting a guy for his grandpa van? Bad. Said guy catcalling said girl? A-OK!

I guess this wack-ass approach to putting Vic behind the wheel of a cool ride is cheaper than pimping out Vic’s van or fitting hand controls to Doug’s GTO. Style points to Whigham for getting the ’66 Goat interior close to correct, adding a column-mounted tach even if he defaulted to the cliched 8-ball gearshift knob.

Honestly this strip doesn’t feel like any kind of arc-ender, much as we might want it to be. If it is, a metapost might be in order.

meta: Well I’ll be darned; it is the arc-ender. Can you say “anticlimactic”? Sure, I knew you could. The post title is, of course, an homage to the second line of “Little GTO.”

Saying the Quiet Part Loud

Odds are you heard this phrase a lot in the news over the past year. It has its origins in an episode of The Simpsons I referenced once a couple of years ago.

Now in a heel turn the lies of which would have made Andre the Giant proud, Tessi says the quiet part loud.

To be honest I think Tessi’s remained quiet on the really quiet part. Using a guy’s car as an excuse to go out or not out with him might’ve been a thing back in 1958 when this strip started and it might still have been a thing for quite a few years after; now, not so much. It probably started becoming less of a thing after the OPEC embargo in 1973, but I could be wrong. In today’s world where fewer teens are getting drivers’ licenses, it’s become even less of a thing. Maybe that’s why girls don’t compete with Goats for Doug Guthrie.

I doubt it’s fear of being seen in Vic’s GMC (Grandpa Motors Corporation?) van – or of what could happen to her inside it – that keeps Tessi from accepting his invitation. But even Tessi can’t state the obvious and she can’t be entirely wrong in P2, either. Those dueling exploding eyes with a head bobble are part “Oh no she din’t!” and part “She says what we’re all thinking!” If any of those Lady Mudlarks’ eyes should not be exploding, it’s Corina’s. It’s impossible that a tank town like Milford didn’t get the news about her little ménage à trois with the dueling QBs last fall.

Tune in on Monday when we see how high off the floor and onto a horse Corina gets at that postgame pizza party. Let’s hope she takes that flyswatter off the pizza first. (What? You can’t tell me that’s a spatula!)

Oh Godleski, Not This Again!

Hey look, some hoops action that doesn’t involve injury, unless you count the bruises the ball’s getting being clanked off the rim. No Muench and a sluggish Guthrie mean the Mudlarks are struggling until Mark Godleski puts one in, then catches fire after Vic eggs him on. Oh my! George Takei‘s not gonna be too happy with Vic’s second Bermanism (Doucetteism?) as Mark hits the no-look fadeaway jumper. Will the next basket be made by Mark “look at those” Godles”(s) heathens making the horns at me behind Vic’s back” ki?

I’m getting the sense here that the Tilden game, while not making or breaking the Mudlarks’ season (they’re not contending for the Valley, or else we’d have heard about it by now), may be dispositive of several characters’ futures. Vic’s gonna Vic and a future calling celebrity softball games awaits him. Muench will play at least another season of baseball as he’s the current version of Paul Beaudry. As for Guthrie, it will be time for him to fish or cut bait between hoops and wheels. He hurts the Mudlarks more than helps them, so maybe he’s best cut out for the garage. Still you’d think if all that time with his tailbone two inches from the ground was propelling his racing career forward we’d have heard about it by now. Doug should ask Corina if Valley Mod has any automotive technician programs and think about transferring there.

Roll Your Eyes and Think of England

That direction is for us, dear readers, as we are going to be continually subjected to Corina whether we like it or not. Now this little fire hydrant spark plug is going to be some sort of guard. For the sake of the plot let’s hope she’s a shooting guard; I can’t imagine anyone wanting to take direction from this sarcastic smart-ass. What started out as a realistic plot device – plucky girl has a chip on her shoulder because doctors didn’t take her mom’s mental health issues seriously – started to wear thin by the time she invited the dueling QBs to her house and is practically threadbare by now. Why couldn’t Rubin stow her away in an equipment bag until the end of March?

Because Tessi Milton might need a foil. A quick Googling doesn’t turn up a Tessi Milton but LinkedIn serves up a Tess Milton in Australia. Tessi’s being set up as the social butterfly of the Lady Mudlarks and we know by now that in Milford, extroversion always has an ulterior motive. Is it possible she’s hiding some deep dark secret and is overcompensating for it much in the way Corina’s been overcompensating for hers? Sit back and prepare to soak up the sarcasm for a fourth consecutive arc.