This Week in Milford

September 1, 2021

Kianna Bello? Che bella!

The Chief starts us off today with a little fanservice in the form of a gymnast in a crop top holding a hose. Phwoar!

Kiana Prince-Bello has an Insta. Kiana Bello has a rag. Whigrub taking no chances with the readership by spelling “chamois” phonetically.

To borrow a trope from my colleague tdrew:

Gene Rayburn: “Kiana Bello is so tall…”

Match Game audience: “HOW TALL IS SHE?”

Gene Rayburn: Kiana Bello is so tall, she’s at eye level with the roof of an SUV.”

Seriously, does this look like the body of a gymnast? It’s certainly not the body of a libero. We’re expected to believe she’s competitive in both sports? The safe money says she drops gymnastics for volleyball since the latter is a Milford team sport and everything takes a backseat to Mudlark sportsball. Gymnastics hasn’t been a thing in the Thorpiverse since the days of Milford Airborne and another Thorp. Both Keri and Airborne have been banished to the retcon dustbin, so expect the same fate to befall the Flipstars.

Oh, yeah, and Tevin is a horndog. But you already knew that.

August 14, 2021

One Short of a Foursome Again

At Casa Thorp, Gil quickly moves from leaning in behind Heather Burns before Mimi comes back into the living room delivering three Red Bull and vodkas. That ain’t all she’s delivering: with that crop top along with the less formal sweatpants with built-in camel toe, she’s bringing the fan service in on that same silver platter.

Before Heather loosens up and gets ready for this threesome, she has to drop the bombshell from the last threesome she had with Gil: that there was no such person as Carter Hendricks until two years ago. Before then, he was known as Jami Thorp Rupert Hall. No, he’ll end being someone else – Henry Carter or some such – who played for Boise Bridgewater Bemidji Ball State in his color-shifting rain jacket.

Now that that’s settled, can we wrap this up and give Heather her Milford Star by day, Milford Mudlark by night dual life ASAP? NFL preseason got fully under way tonight and so will high school football in a lot of places over the next couple of weeks.

August 13, 2021

Now I AM confused

I have to say this golf story is really spinning out of control. First Mimi has to change into formal sweatpants which frankly Ive never heard of. Leave that midriff-baring outfit on; its a Woman coming over for Pete’s sake! Of course Heather also changes out of her sleeveless top, so theyre even.

Next Heather reveals her investigation into Carter, which in itself is rather meaningless. Why she cares whether he cheats at golf is the question. I thought she was trying to find a real career, not moonlight at the National Enquirer.

Tabloid newspapers are not as dangerous to democracy as social media

She’s basing her allegation of his cheating on.. the rain storm? Boy thats a new one. Again, I cant wait for more info tomorrow when she connects the dots, cuz I sure dont have a clue what the hell rain has to do with cheating, because they wernt even gambling in the first place, and his score was as Ive pointed out, very typical of a 12 handicapper.

And we sure dont have enough info to convict him either, based on the strips. So its gonna be some cockamimi reason she comes up with that I’ll bet lands her a position at the Milford Star, and everyone goes home happy, and we move on to football.

If thats the case, this golf story gets a triple bogey on my card.

July 24, 2021

Heather Rennt (oder “Run Heather Run”)

I wished I could play soccer

I couldn’t, though I tried

I wished I could play football

I didn’t have the size

I am my daddy’s princess

He thinks I’m really grand

And when I was in high school

Played everything but band

I wish I was a writer

Who rakes in lots of green

I haven’t got a prayer

You know just what I mean

I wish I wasn’t desperate

To pay off student loans

I wish I could leave Milford

Who knows just where I’d roam?

Today’s strip is another clear example of Rubin’s horrifically poor pacing ability. Heather’s interview at the Star was featured in the first strip of this arc. If he drags out the hiring decision as long as he dragged out the Milford Library Board decision it’ll be mid-to-late August before she gets the offer – just in time for football season and wacky conflicts of interest. Watch the unpaid offensive line coaching assistant get paid to report on the team she assistant coaches! Watch her stonewall Marty Moon to keep WDIG from getting the inside scoop from the Milford locker room! Watch the Mudlark players give Heather the silent treatment for fear she’ll put anything they say in print!

If only this strip had the same time loop premise as the movie. Heather might’ve kept on running and knocked Marjie to the pavement. The subsequent skull fracture would’ve sidelined Marjie indefinitely and made the job all Heather’s.

meta: I added the “Make and Model Mystery Mobile” tag because I couldn’t figure out if the cinder block on wheels behind Marjie was a Scion xB or a Mercedes-Benz G-wagen. Thinking the latter sent me down a German rabbit hole that led me to the inspiration for today’s post.

July 10, 2021

“Life Is Good” Only Works on T-shirts

Sometimes a song parody is appropriate. Sometimes a song already has appropriate lyrics. This is one of those times.

The second verse is particularly fitting:

I’ve got a story, ain’t got no moral
Let the bad guy win every once in a while
I’ve got a story, ain’t got no moral
Let the bad guy win every once in a while

Is this the first Gil Thorp story arc in which the bad guy – mustachioed, ill-tempered, clearly antagonistic toward a kid – does not receive his comeuppance? And he’s going to be allowed to continue his antagonism unabated? What fresh hell is this?

Everything’s just gonna be hunky-dory from now on. Zane will show up for dinner at the Britos once a week to eat heaping helpings of white food with a side of belly button fan service while listening to Abel rant about having the library provide any kind of service. He must not have heard about the Boo Radley Memorial Little Free Library; if he had he’d probably have run on a platform of closing the Milford Public Library and using it instead.

Today’s final panel has that freeze-frame, roll credits feel of an arc-ender. Let’s pray that it is. ¡Ay, Dios mio!

June 1, 2021

We’ve Had To Upchuck Regurgitated Hash.

Filed under: Bare Midriffs, Gil Thorp, Mimi Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:31 pm

Sorry to gross you out but Thorpiverse is playing phony intellectual again.

I loved Howard Cosell as he was a journalist and commentator extraordinaire.His record with minorities was impeccable. Once, some wide receiver caught a pass for a touchdown and Howard exclaimed “That little monkey can run!!!!!!!!” Well, minority groups were upset UNTIL this receiver stepped to the mike later and explained “I know Howard. He was simply excited over my speed.” Only Howard could get out unscathed because he did much for minorities and took the stand for blacks in particular, especially when segregation and Jim Crow laws were still unfortunately a reality.

That said, Howard’s only vice, in my opinion was he could be a phony intellectual when calling the game. Once, he said that Jerry Royster was a catalyst for the Atlanta Braves. Sydney J. Harris, a noted columnist I deeply respected, pointed out “It is clear that after watching two hours of Monday Night Baseball, Howard has no idea what ‘catalyst’ means”. Unfortunately, Harris was right. A catalyst speeds something up but is not a part of the final result (or part of the final reaction in chemistry, where the word essentially originated) . Howard, Jerry may have come off the bench and sparked the Braves with a 3-run homer, but he stayed in the game until the final out. Go back to your Funk & Wagnalls in Marty’s booth.

So when I saw the word ‘uptick’, I’m thinking they’re busting the door down to get in the library. But many times, uptick can mean a small increase. Not too many people lining up at Milford Printing to obtain their library cards. Oh, but let’s humor T-verse and welcome the same into our intelligent conversation. Lord knows, intellectual circles need the likes of T-verse if nothing else than to lighten the mood with the idiocy. I like to see T-verse make a donkey of the situation when ” peregrination is used in the Infield Fly rule when Mudlark Baseball dudes are playing. If T-verse answers “And what about the problems of Turkey and Greece?” with “Set your oven on 350 degrees and keep the meat basted at all times to avoid drying and greasy drumsticks”, just answer “I saw that on The Chopping Block” and shut up.

Because I wondered what farmer would walk his cow on a leash when I was on the interstate and I saw a sign at a rest area that said “Please do not release farm animals from vehicle(s)”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. To See Judge Ito Again Later In The Month Over Recent Dispute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Okay, the ostrich broke from the leash. But somebody who was playing paintball in the woods just happened to have a stun gun. No blood, no foul.

Oh. My. Goodness. Damn, in 60 years they have been covering the evidence but today, Mimi is showing more than the team has been showing on the field. She better be careful, the Milford Police could come anytime and slap the cuffs for possession of crack. Just don’t bend over and weed the tomato patch if you don’t want to get afflicted with Plumber’s Butt.

Then what the Hell is Gil doing with that farm implement? Actually, nothing the past couple of days. Par for the course. He’s just as adept at nothingness with a basketnall or a baseball as he is posing for American Gothic. Yeah, they wanted a sexier man holding a pitchfork. You have a lot of room to talk when the topic is lack of focus. Are you literally going to use that peudo-spade shovel as a teaching tool come football season? Gentlemen, football is like Life. Sometimes, you have to dig in the trenches. Just don’t do it literally, Coach. Save the pseudo-shovel for Mimi’s Garden.

At the Milford Country Club

“Life is like that, Gentlemen. Use the right tools and you’ll get the job done faster.”

“Yeah, but Coach, do we have to keep using a hoe for our putting?”

Much of the Library Board convenes?????? Where in the name of Gil’s Grandiose Spade Shovel is EVERYBODY ELSE????? Okay, we can account for Charlie Chan’s great grandson and his wife. They canceled Bridge Night at their house to discuss trends in library card usage. And Mrs. Bored Chunky Bracelet is there to keep that trend at a fever pitch of excitement. There’s nothing more exhilirating than politicizing the lamination of your library card. We don’t want to know your card was mass-produced by some sweatshop in el estado de Durango en el pais de Mejico. Milford Library Board has its standards, y’know.

That’s why I’m scratching my head. You’d think that the 2-3 (presumably) people that are missing in action would have the decency to appreciate how we can’t have buttheads like Butthead coming in and changing the landscape that is Milford Public Library. Running for a spot on the Library Board is a dangerous thing. He might shift the sweatshop to some remote part of Saskatchewan without prior knowledge or approval of the Library Board in general. I wouldn’t want to know some Canadian hoser who’s desperate for a job to feed his 12 children made my library card easier to check out Enid Bagnold. I do indeed have a conscience.

So in the end, I ask you. Where are the MIA’s? If they had to take their kids to soccer practice and/or appear as a juror by order of the Milford Superior Court, well and good. Otherwise, we really can’t afford to allow Caesar Buttheadius to reign supreme over library affairs. Next thing you know, he’ll be sending patrons with overdue notices to the lions. Folks, you better get that Anton Chekhov novel read before the due date, if you know what’s good for you.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Marty Moon In Hot Water Again For Comments At Milford Pro-Am Bowling Tournament!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“All I said was that big ape Thorp knows how to pick up the spares when he needs to. Some fans don’t read the situation correctly.”

Then there’s the venue. Now you hoity-toity fans out there, hold your tongue. It is not necessarily The Bucket. There’s too much evidence. Look at Rock ’em Sock ’em Robot Head. With An Attitude And An Appetite. His compratriot, Jelly Fish Face. Now how many people of that ilk frequent a teenage burger joint, let alone indulge in solving the world’s problems over rhubarb pie, again presuming their menu is roughly similar to the palate of Library People out to save Intellectual Affairs from a Nuclear Holocaust? Stick that in your cherries in your cherry pie and smoke it, you hoity-toities. Don’t go raising a stink when there’s no poop on the library cards.

Milford Diner? Don’t even try it. You know Maureen is one smart cookie but is she willing to sacrifice her career as a waitress for the betterment of Library pursuits? The jury at this point is still out. I’m sure she would be willing to clear space for a couple of tables so that the Chan Legacy can have their pie and library autonomy too but until I’m told otherwise, the Library Board are at another eating establishment. Let’s kill the ugly rumors before the Milford Library gets riddled with unnecessary gossip.

I’ll wager Milford IHOP. I bet they have plenty of pies as well as pancakes. I know I would like to talk about Butthead being deposed from further Library Board proposals over a pile of flapjacks.

“Gil, your manipulation of the aggregate sum at inviolable contests compels one to be ameliorated. Please resolve to implement punitive selections to attain Edenic proportions at maximum security factors.”

“Dr. Pearl, if you’re saying I need better crowd control, the guy who threw the beer bottle is in custody.”

Nice to have Gene Simmons’ daughter running the show and showing off her pretentious display at vocabulary. God, I hope she don’t do like Daddy and blatantly stick her tongue out after she just stuck a hefty chunk of blueberry in her mouth. I couldn’t see a Kiss concert where Gene is singing “Firehouse” with a mouthful of apple pie a la mode. Leave the grossing out for Ozzy when he bites off another bat’s head (he said he thought the first bat was a toy, and I believe that-still love your music, Big Guy) . Enjoy your pie-and-politics fellowship, otherwise.

This week is Memorial Day week and I would like to remember three individuals dear to my heart

The first, Leonard Thomas Hardin, my grandfather, was a WWI Veteran who served as a cook in the U. S. Army. Love you, Grandpa.

The second, Gabriel Feltner, Junior, my step-father, was a WWII Veteran who served in the U. S. Navy in the Pacific Theater. A generous GI Bill package was the least we could do for your services and sacrifices. Love you, Big Guy.

The third, John Louis Hill, Senior, my grandfather, who was in an unusual situation as he wanted to enlist but because he was an engineer, the military would not take him as he was considered better suited for engineering related to war preparation. He wound up designing artillery for the cause. Love you, Grandpa.

Please take the time to thank a Veteran. I always take 5 minutes to thank one Veteran every day but do what’s comfortable for you. But please do it.

Lest we forget

“Well, I’d like to upchuck on that uptick. What do you say to THAT, Miss Simmons?”

“Just don’t do it all over the tip.”

And we’ll be back to see who won the Battle for Library Supremacy Debate after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“Man, that was one Hell of a debate. Oops, sorry, but my one-profanity-per-panel policy was in effect and I was going to use it. And I mean, I was on the edge of my recliner with my star pitcher threatening an injunction if Butthead were to ever carry out eliminating handicapped spaces to cut down on maintenance costs. I thought I’d seen it all.

But I have my own territorial claims to think about as I, Coach Thorp see Tennessee Pride waging an all-out war on Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. And I can’t go to the judge to file a stay on the motion. They are deliberately undercutting us on the price and trying to make sure you as the consumer come crawling to them the next time you want to fire up the grill and fry some sausage burgers. Sure glad they weren’t successful in undercutting French’s Mustard.

Let Jimmy Dean try to sideswipe us to get the best girl at the dance. Our customers know that if you want great Italian sausage mild to throw into your spaghetti at the next Library Board meeting with chocolate mousse for dessert that Gil Thorp Italian Sausage Con Brio hits the spot. We don’t need to charge the price of a gumball out of a machine to say we’re better than George Jones Medium Italian. Let them lay off workers at their processing plant if they think it’ll cut our legs. They might cut their throats in the long run and have to pay for the unemployment checks.

And, get real, Gil Thorp Hot ‘n’ Nasty Hemorrhoid Sensitive is truly the only thing to take off the shelf at your company picnic in June. Why Tennessee Pride feels the need to embrace a campaign for the ones who love great sausage but still use Pepto-Bismol is a question I leave for the company psychologist at our plant. What are they goibg to do, stage a BOGO for their sausage AND Pepto-Bismol? We welcome the challenge. Come to the company picnic, Tennessee Pride, and bring your appetite and your glove for the company softball game.

What adds insult to injury, Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausage says I can’t coach, let alone slaughter a hog. If that isn’t hitting below the belt, I’m an astronaut. Our Gil Thorp Smokehouse Blend is a hit at all graduation parties everywhere. Yeah, Jimmy Dean, I didn’t see too many of your packages after Dr. Pearl handed out the last diploma and it was time to celebrate some good eatin’. When the seniors were eating their Last Supper, there was plenty of Gil the Smokehouse to go along with the fries and pop. They wouldn’t touch your stuff with the fried zucchini no matter how many rebates you offered. I guess this astronaut knows how to handle jerks who lower themselves to the level of a Yorkshire on an Amish farm.

What further proof do you need? You decide if buying fire sale sausage is better than the premium stuff we offer at Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. We think you’ll agree, you’ll get your money’s worth by leaving the gumballs to the kids.

You people are too good to me. I ran another trip for my dad yesterday so I was completely wiped out. But your support makes it happen for me and the other TWIM writers who do an excellent job on this site. You make writing this stuff worth it. May God bless you.

“Mimi, you have a chronic case of Plumber’s Butt. I can drive this spade shovel in your shorts and still have room to fit a baseball.”

“At least I’m getting Plumber’s Butt because I’m working.”

July 13, 2020

Predictable, That’s The Word Of The Day

Filed under: Bare Midriffs, Chunky Bracelets, Gil Thorp, huge earrings, Mimi Thorp — nedryerson @ 7:44 am

Summer has officially arrived. We survived a plot that nobody wants to think about ever again, so we cleanse our palates with a cool, refreshing beverage on the deck at the Thorp house. This event is so predictable that Mimi calls out its predictable nature in the text. Wow, that’s like, meta.

Gil is as predictable as the strip named for him. He knows it and Mimi knows it. Ah, but Gil has a trick up his sleeve. He’s mixed iced tea into the official beverage of the Thorp deck, lemonade, to make Arnold Palmers. (Is Gil already thinking of golf? Probably. He is so predictable.)

I don’t mind an Arnold Palmer, but I am a dedicated drinker of iced tea. We don’t know Mimi’s stance on iced tea. (Have they ever drank iced tea in Gil Thorp, Long Island notwithstanding? I haven’t a clue.) If Mimi is not into iced tea, perhaps an Arnold Palmer to her is a ruined glass of lemonade. Maybe Gil is about to get a pitcher of Arnold Palmers dumped on his head. That would be unpredictable, but…

We’ve got to ease into a new plot with some characters we can’t identify. We have two young women, one who wants to sleep in and one who needs her “bestie” to get her downtown. (Do kids use the term bestie and do they actually address friends thusly? I’m clueless here too.)

So the bestie that’s all ready to go (Earrings: check. Bracelets: check. Bare midriff: check.) has presumably passed through a parental checkpoint and proceeded straight to her bestie’s bedroom. I can’t help but image an Eddie Haskell like conversation in the foyer. “Is Bestie up? No, well Mrs. Bestie, I shall rouse her so that she shan’t tarry in bed all summer. All my best to Mr. Bestie!” Maybe kids just barge into each other’s homes these days. (Clueless.)

The word predictable immediately brings to mind this Kinks song from the dawn of the MTV era. Maybe this era of Kinks pales in comparison to the genius songwriting of the 60s/early 70s. This song is a little trite, I guess, but I have a soft spot for that period when aging sixties acts tried their hand at updating sounds and making videos to appeal to new audiences.

October 13, 2018

Sister Act

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Thank goodness we don’t have to listen to Kaz pretend to be a film buff to get a kid to play football anymore. That was getting awkward.

Know what else is gonna get awkward real fast? The secondary plot about Tiki Jansen. Besides not being a star and having a ratty orphan car, we didn’t know much about him until last week, when we learned he has “a slow sister problem.”  Rubin left it to interpretation then that Tiki’s sister might have a hard time getting ready for school. Now he drops broad hints that fifth-grader Angela might not be in the regular Milford school system.

How is Rubin gonna tie all these loose ends together?  Maybe Joe Bolek gets together with Tiki and Angela and they watch films of Nate Kaeding together, I dunno. (Nah, that makes no sense; Kaeding was a placekicker, not a punter.)  I shudder to think how this strip is gonna handle IEPs, Least Restrictive Environments, developmental pediatricians and all the baggage that comes with them. On that bright note, Happy Saturday, TWIMers!

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