This Week in Milford

October 3, 2022

Movin’ On Up!

We’re not talking about the football team, their recent loss or their search for a new kicker? I’m happy with that. We’ll get back to that at some point, I presume. Today, the family Thorp is taking a family outing and we begin in an elevator.

An elevator in Gil Thorp? I’m trying really hard to think of a time when an elevator appeared in Gil Thorp and I’m coming up blank. Milford is a place that seems a lot like where I grew up, sort of suburban bordering on rural, with mostly single-family homes and duplex apartments, but no elevator buildings aside from maybe hospitals or courthouses. The only place I’d see people taking an elevator to their living space was on television, like on the Jeffersons. That looked really exotic to me, living in a building with a doorman wearing a vaguely militaristic uniform. Surely such things don’t exist in Milford, but here we are, riding with the Thorps in an elevator, heading to an outing with food, a brunch perhaps?

There is talk of bagels, which Keri will be focused on since she’s aware of the menu at this shindig, which must be largely meat based. Yes, yes Keri, your family knows you are vegan. They spend a fortune on arugula to keep you from starving the death!

Holy Deluxe Apartment in the Sky-yi, we’re heading up to the Penthouse! Are we visiting a head of state, Milford’s leading real estate developer or a dry-cleaning magnate? Are the Thorps underdressed?

What? The swanky penthouse apartment belongs to none other than Bob Kazinski, aka Coach Kaz. Who knew? Look at that pendant lighting and that, um, delicious spread of food. There’s something steaming in a crock, something green and leafy, a bowl of white stuff, another green and leafy dish and many bagels. Bigshot Kaz probably has the elevator bugged, so he heard the Thorps talking about the rationing of bagels, so he welcomes them in by assuring them that we made extra bagels.

I have two questions about Kaz’s statement. First, who made bagels for a gathering? Sure, you can theoretically make your own bagels if you want to spend hours and cover yourself in flour, but more commonly you would get bagels from a deli or somewhere. Maybe, in Kaz’s mind, the making consists of slicing storebought bagels?

The bigger question to me, hungry for some continuity, is who else is in the we that procured/prepared the bagels? I don’t think Kelly Krystek has come up yet in the Barajas era. Does she live in or occasionally shack up with Kaz in the penthouse or is Kaz now part of a throuple (which includes at least one serious baker)?

Let’s dig into those bagels and find out!

Sing along, you know the words….did someone mention pie?

August 27, 2022

Mimi, not coaching? ¡Oh mi corazón!

The past week’s action at the MCC was setting up to be a 21st-century version of Caddyshack, with Gil and Mimi as the Smails and the Martinezes (well, at least Luke) as some kind of Al Czervik. Sra. Martinez (a/k/a Fran) was looking to fall into the Czervik mold, with huge earrings huger and chunky bracelets chunkier than any heretofore seen in Milford. So when Fran replies to Mimi’s quintessential American question, you can literally hear the mic drop in print.

Look how gobsmacked Mimi is. You can almost hear the Locust Valley Lockjaw and see the privilege explode out of her eyes. That someone who looks and sounds like Fran could be a heart surgeon? Mind. Blown. That a heart surgeon could be married to such an obvious boor as Luke? Mind. Blowner.

Know what? Mimi’s mind is nowhere near as blown as mine when she introduces herself as a “stay-at-home-mom.” What happened to her basketball-softball-volleyball-PE coaching job at Milford? Is that why there was no girls’ sports arc this past spring? Will that ellipsis explain it all come Monday? This retcon train has been rolling for the past seven weeks; now it’s in danger of jumping the tracks.

August 24, 2022

“Luke, this isn’t ‘Nam, this is Milford. There are rules.”

“Are you ready to be fucked, Thorp? I see you rolled your way onto the tee boxes. Dios mio, man. Pedro and me, we’re gonna fuck you up.”

“Yeah, well, you know, that’s just like, uh, your opinion, Luke.”

“Let me tell *you* something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash an illegal putter out on the green, I’ll take it away from you, and stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger ’til it goes ‘click.'”

“Jesus, Martinez.”

“You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Martinez.”

Nice of Luke to bring along some additional eye candy for Mimi, too, in case she likes her men smooth. With Keri’s hair, Pedro could be mistaken for yet another lost Thorp child. Did Pedro come when Luke clapped for him? The Martinez family tackiness just keeps piling on, like a Herk the Mauler finishing move.

Bigger picture question: How was Luke able to join the MCC? I don’t mean that in an ethnic/socioeconomic way but in a geographical one. Does this lend credence to the idea that Valley Tech is also located in Milford? I don’t know that it’s ever been established; I understood that St. Fabian’s shared the town with Milford High, but that’s the extent of it. Talk amongst yourselves.

August 15, 2022

Life’s A Beach

Filed under: Bare Midriffs, huge glasses, huge hats, Jami Thorp, Keri Thorp, metapost, Mimi Thorp — nedryerson @ 6:04 am

Here we are, visiting Mimi’s mother (who’s not doing well). Well, you can always swing by Shady Acres Assisted Living Facility, stop in for a quick visit, (Mother, you remember your grandchildren, Jami and Keri? No, sure you do. Remember how they would come visit you every summer? Of course you do, mother. Of course you do.) then get to the shore to enjoy the sun, the crashing of the waves and the absence of Gil Thorp. Seriously, did Mimi straight up lie to Gil?

For some insight on that last question, let’s turn our attention to the latest media appearance by new Gil Thorp writer, Henry Barajas. In this interview featured in The Daily Cartoonist, Henry says:

Something I’ve learned from better writers than myself is to never underestimate your audience—and the reader is always smarter than you. I intentionally leave things “vague” with the promise to follow it up.

So I guess we are smart enough to figure this out. I’m just going to say Mimi lied about her mother. But lying to your spouse and then involving the children is rather low. Maybe I’m not all that smart. By the way, if you read to the end of the interview with Henry, you’ll see that the Daily Cartoonist writer D.D. Degg (great name) throws in a link to TWIM and quotes teenchy’s last post. Wow, This Week in Milford is going places, after sixteen years. Today it’s The Daily Cartoonist (the source for industry news for the professional cartoonist), next up, who knows! (Hat tip to MopMan for calling attention to the TWIM shoutout.)

I don’t want it to sound like I’m throwing shade at Henry Barajas or D.D. Degg of The Daily Cartoonist. I love daily comics and the anticipation of cracking open a browser tab every morning to see what’s going on in Milford or Santa Royale wherever. (Yesterday’s Mary Worth was another one for the ages.) I salute these people who figure out how to pay the bills creating comics. I feel like “comics mockage” as Jason referred to it when he started TWIM is an outlet for our own creativity from the vantage point of the comic strip consumers. Does it veer off into some real aggro attitude sometimes? Maybe, but I think it’s mainly based on devotion to the strips. Am I being sincere here? I think the readers of TWIM are smart enough to know.

So let’s get back to the beach. Jami’s got an ice cream cone and there’s some sniping between him and Keri. Mimi’s reading a book in that classic pose that Whigham uses when the strip’s teen girls lay on their beds with their laptops. Keri is absorbed in her phone. We’ve yet to see the evidence that Keri is “missing her daddy”. We know her daddy has a flip phone and is a little unsure how to use it, so I doubt Ker is texting Gil. (If she was, would she have to keep up the visit Grandma charade? I’m having a hard time keeping the narrative I’ve created straight.)

September 1, 2021

Kianna Bello? Che bella!

The Chief starts us off today with a little fanservice in the form of a gymnast in a crop top holding a hose. Phwoar!

Kiana Prince-Bello has an Insta. Kiana Bello has a rag. Whigrub taking no chances with the readership by spelling “chamois” phonetically.

To borrow a trope from my colleague tdrew:

Gene Rayburn: “Kiana Bello is so tall…”

Match Game audience: “HOW TALL IS SHE?”

Gene Rayburn: Kiana Bello is so tall, she’s at eye level with the roof of an SUV.”

Seriously, does this look like the body of a gymnast? It’s certainly not the body of a libero. We’re expected to believe she’s competitive in both sports? The safe money says she drops gymnastics for volleyball since the latter is a Milford team sport and everything takes a backseat to Mudlark sportsball. Gymnastics hasn’t been a thing in the Thorpiverse since the days of Milford Airborne and another Thorp. Both Keri and Airborne have been banished to the retcon dustbin, so expect the same fate to befall the Flipstars.

Oh, yeah, and Tevin is a horndog. But you already knew that.

August 14, 2021

One Short of a Foursome Again

At Casa Thorp, Gil quickly moves from leaning in behind Heather Burns before Mimi comes back into the living room delivering three Red Bull and vodkas. That ain’t all she’s delivering: with that crop top along with the less formal sweatpants with built-in camel toe, she’s bringing the fan service in on that same silver platter.

Before Heather loosens up and gets ready for this threesome, she has to drop the bombshell from the last threesome she had with Gil: that there was no such person as Carter Hendricks until two years ago. Before then, he was known as Jami Thorp Rupert Hall. No, he’ll end being someone else – Henry Carter or some such – who played for Boise Bridgewater Bemidji Ball State in his color-shifting rain jacket.

Now that that’s settled, can we wrap this up and give Heather her Milford Star by day, Milford Mudlark by night dual life ASAP? NFL preseason got fully under way tonight and so will high school football in a lot of places over the next couple of weeks.

August 13, 2021

Now I AM confused

I have to say this golf story is really spinning out of control. First Mimi has to change into formal sweatpants which frankly Ive never heard of. Leave that midriff-baring outfit on; its a Woman coming over for Pete’s sake! Of course Heather also changes out of her sleeveless top, so theyre even.

Next Heather reveals her investigation into Carter, which in itself is rather meaningless. Why she cares whether he cheats at golf is the question. I thought she was trying to find a real career, not moonlight at the National Enquirer.

Tabloid newspapers are not as dangerous to democracy as social media

She’s basing her allegation of his cheating on.. the rain storm? Boy thats a new one. Again, I cant wait for more info tomorrow when she connects the dots, cuz I sure dont have a clue what the hell rain has to do with cheating, because they wernt even gambling in the first place, and his score was as Ive pointed out, very typical of a 12 handicapper.

And we sure dont have enough info to convict him either, based on the strips. So its gonna be some cockamimi reason she comes up with that I’ll bet lands her a position at the Milford Star, and everyone goes home happy, and we move on to football.

If thats the case, this golf story gets a triple bogey on my card.

July 24, 2021

Heather Rennt (oder “Run Heather Run”)

I wished I could play soccer

I couldn’t, though I tried

I wished I could play football

I didn’t have the size

I am my daddy’s princess

He thinks I’m really grand

And when I was in high school

Played everything but band

I wish I was a writer

Who rakes in lots of green

I haven’t got a prayer

You know just what I mean

I wish I wasn’t desperate

To pay off student loans

I wish I could leave Milford

Who knows just where I’d roam?

Today’s strip is another clear example of Rubin’s horrifically poor pacing ability. Heather’s interview at the Star was featured in the first strip of this arc. If he drags out the hiring decision as long as he dragged out the Milford Library Board decision it’ll be mid-to-late August before she gets the offer – just in time for football season and wacky conflicts of interest. Watch the unpaid offensive line coaching assistant get paid to report on the team she assistant coaches! Watch her stonewall Marty Moon to keep WDIG from getting the inside scoop from the Milford locker room! Watch the Mudlark players give Heather the silent treatment for fear she’ll put anything they say in print!

If only this strip had the same time loop premise as the movie. Heather might’ve kept on running and knocked Marjie to the pavement. The subsequent skull fracture would’ve sidelined Marjie indefinitely and made the job all Heather’s.

meta: I added the “Make and Model Mystery Mobile” tag because I couldn’t figure out if the cinder block on wheels behind Marjie was a Scion xB or a Mercedes-Benz G-wagen. Thinking the latter sent me down a German rabbit hole that led me to the inspiration for today’s post.

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