One Strip, Three Playbooks

No sooner than Barajas leaves us scratching our collective heads over the lunacy of a kicker using a soccer move to recover their own kick and run it in for a touchdown* than we smash cut to Valley Tech and something possibly equally lunatic.

Honestly I don’t know where to begin. The old heads that may make a big deal about Valley Tech’s game being called by a Black woman should remember that grown-ass woman Pam Oliver has been in the biz for a long time. What she’s saying, however, might be cause for concern, as it doesn’t match up with what we’re seeing on the field. What’s up with that “flesh and blood” crack, anyway? Is Luke Martinez willing to sacrifice one of his sons for a VT win?

Pedro is the Martinez kid going out there, but in what capacity? Luke is talking to another guy in coaching gear in P2; is he Pedro? Or is he Mr. Kim and Pedro is a player who went in with the play call (again using a term from another sport)? In any event, all together now: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A TWO-MINUTE WARNING IN HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL. Nice of Barajas to add that the fourth quarter is the final quarter, maybe as a reminder to himself.

VT’s unis have morphed from Coastal Carolina to candy corn. Maybe they’ll be like Oregon and change unis from game to game, if not from half to half. Guess it beats having every not-Milford team wear Carolina Blue and white like last season.

Seriously, though, I don’t know what the hell is going on here anymore. In his quest to bring Gil Thorp into current times, Barajas has introduced family tension and made the strip more racially, culturally and gender-diverse. Fine. However, he has either never watched American football or has not watched it enough to understand the basic rules of the game. Sports are the canvas on which the soap of Gil Thorp has been painted; if the canvas isn’t primed properly the paint won’t stick.

I don’t know what kind of relationship Whigham had with Rubin, but whatever it was it must’ve been better than it is with Barajas. Rubin’s text and Whigham’s illustration didn’t match up on occasion, but now it seems to happen so frequently and so blatantly – along with the typos and omitted words – that I have to wonder if it’s not intentional. The color changes, yeah, they happened in the past too, but how hard is it to provide coloring instructions to whoever has been subbed to do the job?

Our fellow Gil Thorp snark blog, Mopped Up Thorp, usually takes a slightly different tack to the strip than we here at TWIM. Instead of trying to parse it, Mop rewrites the dialog to humorous (and often more accurate) effect. If the past week is any indication, Mop’s way may be the way to go, as the strip has become so illogical and incoherent as to be practically unreadable.

*Without commenting on the legality or lack thereof of such a move, I’ll share a clip someone posted in yesterday’s comments on the ‘mudgeon to show that an American football can, in fact, be rainbow kicked.

That’s One Inspiring Monkey!

I guess I was wrong last Monday. We did see other pitchers contributing something to what has turned out to be a notable baseball season. Gonzo Aceves pitched the final game and the Mudlarks have captured the Valley title. Hold the phone! There’s a state tournament? How much more time will that take?

Milford High students are asking the same question: Why are we still going to school in freakin’ July? Can’t these guys just have these expositional conversations at The Bucket so we don’t have to contemplate bagels in the cafeteria? (That’s what the girl in Panel 2 wants to know!)

Now that the media embargo has been lifted, the stories about Gregg Hamm are going to start multiplying until…oh, that story has run its course and we’re moving on to “monkeys on tricycles”. Yeah, that sounds about right.

I know we still have a week of Rubin’s strips left, but I feel he really should have saved that last panel for his last strip as a fitting exemplar of his storytelling. Just kidding, Neal. Thanks for the memories.

Have a happy Fourth. Have fun and don’t do anything stupid. Keep your monkeys in check.

The best news is hot Mrs. Hamm is back

More unfinished business in P1 as Hamm Sr. tells the CC guy to tell people or dont tell people anything they want or he wants. That about covers every possible answer, so we’re right back where we started. Still dont know who he’s hiding from or really why. And hardly anybody cares anyway. Remember, its a CENTRAL CITY TV STATION FOR CRIPES SAKE!!!

Why would CC guy stop the interview then decide he shouldnt have started it afterwards? We all know the story is about Gregg except dufus with the mike. At any rate, all he has to do is not show the interview with Hamm Sr. on the news. Thats what editing is for. Camera men shoot all kinds of film they dont use, and the editors decide what makes the air. Why bother telling Hamm Sr. about that? Just shoot the film, ask the questions, and say have a nice day. All CC guy is doing now is perpetrating the cover-up. We go around in circles…

And just when we thought we were done with baseball on a holiday weekend… nope. Now Milford somehow wins the conference with nobody looking.

But clearly the highlight of this strip today for me is the hot Mrs. Hamm is back. You may recall I noticed how her look changed so much; she was also suspected of being 2 different women. I prefer this one, who last appeared on April 27:

Well I would love if this one was the “other” Mrs. Hamm and the real one saw her on camera and pitched a fit when he got home. That would be a better storyline then what we’ve had to put up with. But thats too good to be true in this strip, huh? He looks like the type to have 2 women in his life too, and the other one is Always way cuter, just like this one. Just hoping we see more of Wife #2 before they all get blasted to the moon and we move on to golf.

No satisfaction

Well its great that Mr. Hamm is apparently going to be outed for whatever he did, even though this camera isnt exactly reaching a broad audience. I would think (again, nothing in this strip is anything like reality) that Hamm wouldnt agree to be interviewed if he thought he would be spotted where someone would possibly know him, but somewhere along the way he probably had a come to Jesus moment and realized he might as well come clean. Gil probably tipped off his old buddy on the phone when he called and they arranged this shenanagan of a news story.

That being said, why does the Central City guy have to put his hand up to the camera man during the interview? Finish the piece and then get on with the formalities. And what kind of authority does this guy from Central City have anyway? He’s a damn TV reporter.

And again, we still are ignoring the elephant in the room; Gregg and his eyesight that needs his ego stroked so he can have one last shot at glory, or a runner-up finish in a high school sport. When is his condition gonna be finalized so we know whats in store for him the rest of his life?

Thats what should be the first story on the news at 10.

Tommy Can You Feel Me?

“If we bunt, it’ll only be when the situation calls for it.”
“When do you think the situation calls for it, Tommy?”
“Whenever we’re at bat, Gil.”

Looks like we’re in for another episode of Chain Link Fence Theater. Mighty magnanimous of Coach Luigi Tommy from Goshen to not take advantage of The Hammmmer’s failing eyesight. Guessing his team sucks so hard they’re not in contention for the Valley title. Fear not, Tommy boy: Gil will still be able to join your foursome on Monday.

Does Scooter like to pat Gregg’s ass or what? No wonder we’ve seen so little of Charis the tennis player. We haven’t seen or heard much from Scooter Pie lately either (is he still telegraphing the pitches to Gerg?) and I kinda liked it that way. I know it’s not a carbon copy of the 6/6 strip but close enough that I’m calling it recycled. Where those bleachers came from and the direction in which they’re pointed is up for interpretation.

Rubin’s got exactly two more strips after today to wrap up Milford’s baseball season before his traditional lessons learned/walk away through a doorway strip, so the Mudlarks are about to sink faster than the Lusitania in real time. Fact of the matter is Ggerg is as shy of the limelight as his plagiarizing old man. Expect some lame pun about both of them seeing the light on Saturday.

meta: Thanks to my colleagues for stepping up in my absence. I’ll be glad to rejoin the rotation on or about July 20.

Marty Wakes Up Just In Time For…Wait For It…

Well, look who woke up from a long winter’s (and spring) nap! It’s our old pal Marty Moon, the king of all Milford media (except, not anymore, or ever for that matter). Marty’s gotta get some sound for his “show” and he hasn’t been roasted by Gil in a good while. He picked a great day for a roasting. Gil’s gotta be cranky sitting in his office this late into June, plus he’s all warmed up from tearing into parents, umps and other media personalities like Al Drake from Channel 6.

Marty goes into his wind-up, lobs in his little dig and…..uh, well, Gil kinda half-asses it. Oh well, he’s tired. Marty’s tired (that crate is no place for a long winter’s nap). We’re all tired. If we had more time, Gil and Marty could do some improv games and workshop their little two hander, but we simply must move on.

Speaking of moving on, three games?? Are you kidding me? Well, we know we’ll only see Gregg’s next start since those are the only ones that count this season. Cut to…the camera man from Channel 6 getting some great footage of Gregg dislocating his elbow. Or maybe Gregg is reaching back into a wormhole in the multiverse to shove a tiny baseball into Gil’s ear. Yep, that’s absurd, no two ways about that!

Meanwhile, Scooter’s a little hurt that he’s not getting some pub. I thought he wanted to set a record or host Jeopardy or something. I guess his dreams had to get jettisoned like everybody else’s to make room for Hamm.

Say, did that cameraman have to lug that beast all the way to Madison for this? Wait, Madison? Is it…could it be…Madison Time??

Nomar Hamm for You, Al

Oh look, it’s yet another late-middle-aged white guy in the Allen Funt/Ed Asner mold, the kind that are thick on the ground in the Valley. This time he’s named Al Drake and he’s at Channel 6 in Central City. Somebody must have picked up a copy of the Milford Star before their long commute to the Channel 6 studios and dropped it off in the break room, where Al stumbled upon it while rooting around a box of stale donuts left over from a staff meeting the day before. (Oh, alright, he saw the online edition on his massive 20-year-old desktop PC still running on Windows XP.)

Big Al can’t let one dying medium have The Gregg Hamm Story all to itself, so of course he wants in on it. Being from a bigger market, Al thinks Channel 6 can impose on Gil’s sense of order and have Gregg make the start in front of his cameras… but noooOOO! No one tells Gil Thorp when to start his pitchers except Gil Thorp. (Never mind that Gregg’s been starting almost every game we’ve seen this season.) No one tells Gil Thorp when to pull his pitchers except Gil Thorp, either, and he’ll shit-talk anyone who tries to tell him otherwise.

Gil Thorp accommodates no one from the media. Well, no one except Heather Burns. Her, he’ll let roam onto the field to interview his players. Mimi seems incredibly chill with this arrangement – so chill she hasn’t even bothered to field a softball team this season. Mezcal and Vicodin have a way of doing that. So does the pool boy coming by to open the pool up early.

If Channel 6 wants a piece of Hamm, it’ll have to move closer to Gil’s world.

meta: yhs will be on vacation from July 1-17, and will be off the grid for part of that time. I’ll plan on posting this coming Wednesday but can’t count on being able to post again until July 20 at the earliest.

Worlds Biggest Rag

We finally get the long awaited interview with Gregg (of course in uniform and not sitting at a coffeehouse relaxing.) Heather even talks to the catcher with his full equipment on. Hey isnt it summer yet? Today should be day 4. The planets are all in allignment for the next few days and we still are stuck with this dreadful storyline that like the Rolling Stones refuses to just go away.

Everyone else has checked out for 3 months and the Larks are still hanging on to Greggs final days as a pitcher, before he starts the rest of his life as a semi-blind man. At what cost is all this? Love how the supporting player justifies the scam theyre pulling on the rest of the league. Hey, let them figure it out while we live with this distraction that didnt need to be at all if the coaches had any sense. The other characters on the team have barely been developed while we drag out the inevitable runner-up finish for Milford and Greggs retirement from a game he had no business playing for at least 2 years. The fathers issues are still murky in relation to Greggs eyesight. Who cares how that turns out. If Mom files for divorce tomorrow she’ll be a better woman. Take your son to the best eye surgeon you can afford and pray its not too late. If the doc says — “What the hell was this kid doing pitching in high school?” , well, as one of my favorite sayings goes– all bad habits you have will rear their ugly head at some point. And for 3 months of baseball, your son wont be able to see for 50 years.

P3– accurate to a T. I think Kaz may be referring to the connection to his dad again, since Pops is trying to keep some secret. Also shows how putrid a town Milford is, since part of any newspapers goal is to reach as many people as possible. And they all have online editions these days so some jamoke from Africa can read it if he has a decent broadband connection. Kaz forgot about that.