This Week in Milford

July 7, 2021

You’ve Got Other Things to Jab, IYKWIM

Looks like Paul Muench wasn’t long enough, if you know what I mean.

More like Zane Clark came up a little short, if you know what I mean.

I think Katy Brito’s ready for him to jab her capulets anyway, if you know what I mean.

But if Zane wins the Library Board position, he’ll have to sharpen his own pencil, if you know what I mean.

But if Katy’s dad wins the Library Board position, Zane won’t be logging on, if you know what I mean.

Either way, Zane will become a two-time loser in one day, if you know what I mean.

Not if Gil’s bribe pays off, if you know what I mean.

Twenty-nine years is a long time to be eating pie, if you know what I mean.

Betcha that old codger won’t be eating pie on the Library Board anymore, if you know what I mean.

Too bad Zane won’t be needing to use the library once his senior year’s over, if you know what I mean.

Too bad Gil didn’t grease the skids for Zane to get into college like Mimi did for that Corina kid, if you know what I mean.

Maybe Zane should have run for library janitor, if you know what I mean.

[long, drawn-out pause]

Say, that stairway at Milford High looks like it was designed by M.C. Escher, if you know what I mean.

July 5, 2021

Like A Tragedy

Katy and Zane are still riffing on this Romeo and Juliet nonsense? Sheathe your weapon Katy, Chief Lind expressly hath forbidden bandying in Milford streets. Did we really have to check in with these star crossed idiots again for a single panel accounting for half the tags on this post. Katy has all the chunky accoutrements and is posing in front of a prairie style window. It’s enough to make you plotz.

There’s more baseball to be played. Oh joy. Marty has to drag the crate out in the summer heat and document Zane Romeo Clark’s exploits on the mound. He’s probably sitting on a cooler full of iced cold Schlitz.

Round about the time Marty is cracking open his tenth beer, Valley Tech gets on the board and we watch a relay throw coming in from the outfield. Yawn. Is there any of that pie left?

Scott Kempner of The Dictators and The Del Lords, take it away:

June 30, 2021

A Little Too Eager with the Swordfights, Methinks

A line that did not bear repeating gets repeated. At least it gives Zane a chance to practice Mimi’s ventriloquism trick. Time to pull out that old Rowan Atkinson decking Colin Firth clip again.

I’m as dumbfounded as many of you as to why the Library Board seat decision was not made soon after, if not immediately after, Zane and Abel had their little debate. In any event, a coffee bar has yet to pop up in the Milford Public Library though bringing one’s own coffee in and drinking it there is A-OK by the library staff.

On to the halls of Milford High before the Valley Tech game (which, we can only hope, is the season finale) and Gildeaux can’t help but notice Zanes’ postcoital flush rosy glow. Looking Chipper? I thought Zane was a pitcher/outfielder, not a third baseman.

June 28, 2021

Lukewarm? All The Heat Has Escaped By Now

Filed under: actual action, baseball, Oakwood, The Bucket — nedryerson @ 3:47 am

There was another baseball game against Oakwood. All we are shown is victorious fist bumping after a win. That’s actual action…of a sort.

There isn’t time or space to give us a glimpse at the post game festivities at The Bucket. The narration box suggests that Zane Clark attended the festivities at The Bucket before heading to the library for more studying. I wonder if Mr. Brito drives by to see how late the library stays open and counts cars in the parking lot.

Well, look who’s bringing Zane some of that (tepid) Coffee Cantina brew. It’s Katie Brito! So things are good between these two. Zane references his coffee idea for the library*. Ha ha ha. Can we freeze and roll credits on these lamoids now.

*Yeah, the library should be operating and staffing a coffee stand that will be open just in case Zane (or the homeless guy who sleeps behind the unplugged microfiche reader) needs a caffeine fix. That’s a great use of community resources.

June 9, 2021

What, Gil Worry?

Filed under: baseball, Gil Thorp, Miserable characters, Pantheon of Hair — teenchy @ 11:17 am

“Dad’s still recovering from a stroke; money’s still tight; three kids, one computer; and if my soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend’s red-ass father has his way, I won’t be able to use the computer at the public library anymore. So no, Mister Coach Thorp, you don’t need to worry about me anymore.”

Sad afternoon for the Mudlarks as a “dandy start” from Gonzalo “You can still call me Gonzo even after The Mayor* has left the building” Aceves goes wasted. (Gonzo must feel a bit like Max Scherzer these days.) How sad is it? Even the school bus has turned gray.

Sadder still: Abel Brito burning the midnight oil thinking he has a chance of landing that coveted Milford Library Board seat. The computers are already paid for, numbnuts, and your daughter’s not sucking face in the stacks these days. After the Board hears Zane’s sob story, Abel will realize his is a wasted effort. Then again they might think Zane is a short-timer in this tank town, and either leave the position unstaffed or choose an as-yet-unseen challenger. What exactly does Kaz do in the offseason?

*Speaking of The Mayor, I wonder what he’s up to these days? Since we know the Milford brain trust is aware of this page, let’s liven up the middle of this dull week with a poll.

June 7, 2021

KRAK! Attack At Madison

Filed under: actual action, baseball, Madison Time, Marty Moon — nedryerson @ 10:25 am

Hey, look! It’s Marty Moon, who has been keeping a pretty low profile of late. He dragged his crate over to Madison and he’s giving us an update on what’s been happening on the diamond. A whole host of also rans have been doing baseball things. Gonzo has been pitching a “dandy” and, looking to start an offensive charge, we have Dallas George and Curtis Charles getting on base, setting the table for DUN DUN DUNNNN, Zane Clark! As you recall, Zane started in right for this game. His work on the mound has been shaky of late, but now it’s time to see how he’s doing at the plate.

The Madison pitcher throws Zane a high fastball and KRAK! Zane stings it! A stinger. Oh boy, oh boy. Did he sting it hard enough to get in at least the tying run? We’ll leave it right there for now. Hey, isn’t this better than Library Board shenanigans and Mimi forcing college down Corina’s throat? Um, maybe?

It’s been a while since we’ve had a Madison Time video. I thought maybe I had mined all the interesting (a relative term) clips from YouTube, but here’s one that showed up in the last year. It’s the standard Ray Bryant Combo recording but it features film of boring white people, Joan Darby and Joe Cash, demonstrating all the intricate Madison Time moves with plenty of close ups for those of you that haven’t been able to pick up the steps so far. Wow, look at their “Rifleman”! That oughta clear the dance floor! Their “Wilt Chamberlain” could use a little work though. Enjoy!

June 5, 2021

Zane Isn’t Focused on Some WAP

It’s official: The Gil Thorp colorists are phoning it in. We’ve had players throwing the ball to players on the opposite team and opposing players in the outfield when their own team is batting, unless the Mudlarks have been changing unifroms on the fly. Now we appear to have someone else besides Gil coaching for Milford. Even Kaz is dumbfounded by the presence of this imposter in a Mudlark uniform. Doubtless this interloper is supposed to be the Madison coach and he and Kaz are going to hand their lineup cards to an unseen home plate ump…

… who is later seen wearing a wristwatch?!? I do not recall umpires ever being allowed to wear watches, but I do recall them using stopwatches to mark the time between pitches and between innings. Maybe some of you TWIMers who have been closer to a diamond in the past decade than I could weigh in. Talk amongst yourselves.

Said umpire is ringing up an unseen batter as a catcher in Madison’s traditional sage and plum frames a called strike three while name checking Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion. Could that batter be Zane Clark? Gil shared Zane’s line with Mimi while they were piddling around in the garden, but the only person called out as unfocused was Katy Brito, by Mimi. Gil’s comment to Zane that Zane wasn’t focused in his last outing wasn’t his observation, then, but Mimi’s. Between Kaz handling the messy details and Mimi providing the strategy, maybe Gil could get a head start on teaching golf to preteens and getting hammered on Long Island Iced Teas at the MCC.

May 29, 2021

He’s Not Wrong

Wherever you’re reading this, faithful TWIMers, I hope the weather is better than it is here. Forty-eight degrees and raining is not what I expect to wake up to on the last weekend in May. The better to remember that the true meaning of Memorial Day is not to hit the beaches or the mountains and fire up the grill. So what if we have to spend it out in the cold?

Speaking of out in the cold, that’s where Zane Clark is today. Nothing he says in today’s strip is factually wrong in context (and also serves to answer one of our nagging questions of how Milford Library Board members are chosen) and yet he now finds “that cute girl he makes out with in the history section” may be history to him. Katy knows Zane’s situation, knows her old man’s hard-on against the library, knows what might happen if her old man gets the job, yet still gets pissy when she finds out her boyfriend actively tries to prevent all that from happening? Better off without her, bruh, or at least that’s what Gonzo Aceves is hinting to him.

Can we talk? Can I digress for a moment? I just want to point out the sudden improvement in uniform accuracy on the part of the Chief. From all appearances it looks like Zane and Gonzo are throwing a bullpen session in practice and are actually dressed as if they’re practicing – that is unless Gil’s broken out gamers with shorts like the Bill Veeck-era White Sox. Nice to see a Milford team practicing in actual practice unis for once.

Back to the main plot arc: What are the odds the Milford Library Board selection hinges on oratory, and Zane gives one that puts Jefferson Smith to shame? Something’s gotta make Katy see the error of her ways, dunnit? By that time Zane will have moved on to that snoopy librarian or poor Landry Carlson, who’s always getting hit on this spring.

It’s gotten very quiet here; the rain’s finally stopped pounding against my roof. Time to contemplate the true meaning of Memorial Day once again. Enjoy the rest of your weekend, gentle readers, and we’ll see you back here next week.

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