This Week in Milford

July 24, 2018

“Coach, I Thought Jimi Hendrix Did That Guitar Twirl. I Got Confused. I Didn’t Mean To Take Us Out Of The Inning.”

Filed under: actual action, baseball, Coach Kaz, Highlight reel — tdrewhardin @ 5:13 pm

Barry, you just absolutely dashed my hopes. Just when you went to the altar to accept Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord and swore you were going to turn over a new leaf and live right and stop drinking doubles with Marty down at the the Milford Lounge, you go on a shopping spree at Milford Liquor Warehouse.

You DO know what Coach Kaz means when he holds up his arms. The same damn signal a cop gives when he’s at a random busy street corner in Milford, USA. Let me throw you a hint: STOPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now when Coach Kaz is doing that Pete Townshend spiel as he’s air-guitarring “Won’t Get Fooled Again”, sure run like Hell towards home plate and test that Oakwood fielder’s arm. It’s only 90 feet. Take your chances.

And this after the “Four score and several plots ago, I started acting like an asshole and haven’t changed but I am sorry and am ready to take orders from George Gordon Meade or Coach Thorp, dependent on the venue of battle” and was willing to swallow the subsequent “even though I’m still a better general than George Brinton McClellan and can beat him in poker any day of the week” as long as he was willing to go to battle and fight the good fight. P3 shot that one down. Oh well.

 

Coach Kaz at the Milford Clay Oven restroom, on his cell phone, responding to text messages

“Gil, I’ve gone over a THOUSAND TIMES in practice with Barry over what the ‘Stop’ sign means. I’ve even done note cards on him. Burned several matches sending smoke signals. What do you want me to do, use sign language? I can try…” Coach Kaz looks down. He discovers he’s at a low urinal. Don’t text and piss. A message from the Milford City Health Board.

 

And gang, Duke Ellington is my idol. I live for Duke. “Live at Newport” is in my vocabulary.  But no way is he a baseball coach as in P1. He looks awkward conducting “Blues To Be There” Or is he egging on Paul Gonsalves on that electrifying 27-minute solo in right field? Hard to tell. His hands are too active for “Mood Indigo”. I can just hear that trombone growl from Joe “Tricky Sam” Nanton in the 1st base coaching box. No wonder why Bader ran through the sign. Too much of a jerk to appreciate good Jazz. Maybe he’ll listen to Barry Manilow.

 

Marty, stone drunk from the Drewrey’s he had carted to him straight from the delivery truck to his bar stool at Milford Lounge, is standing on the Milford Lounge street corner, calling Mudlark Transportation, Inc.

“Hello, Mil-Fart Trans-Part-Tay-ShunHICCUP? I needs a cabbbbbbbubbbb. Where am I located?”

Head bobbing, barely able to read the signs

“I am at the cor-nurrrrrrr of ‘Walk’ and ‘Don’t Walk'”

Well, at least he didn’t text and piss. Gang, if you must do nature’s duty, take Marty’s cue. Put your cell phone down on the Milford Lounge portable sign(“Happy Hour-1/2 price beer-battered onion rings and unlimited Jack Daniels liqueuer, 4-7) and pee-pee behind the bushes in Milford Lounge’s alley. Who’s gonna notice and you don’t involve an ambulance. Perfect way to avoid calls from injury lawyers(“One call-that’s all”).

Thanks to Frances Gregory for her help with the above joke. You help make America great with your hard work making MRE’s for the military. And you’ve got a great sense of humor as shown above.

 

I am like everybody else on the Jay Bhatia pitching issue. As a writer has mentioned, has ANYBODY in Milford heard the word ROTATION? Right now, it’s Ryan Van Auken and whoever else has a halfway decent connection to the plot, regardless of talent. You could make Captain Kangaroo the closer but he’s not been in the scheme of things for quite some time. Guess we gotta stick with Jay and his Orwellian “Curve ball is a fastball approach”. Hey, it’s got the Oakwood batters fooled, just like the rest of the readership.

 

Steve Luhm, calling at the phone booth by the kitchen(“dial ‘9’ to get an outside line”) at Milford Clay Oven(“The Taste of the Himalayas comes to Mudlarkland”)

“Yes, I’ll tell ’em not to put too much paprika on the Ramen Noodles or the Tandoori Chicken Wings!!!!!!! I’m painfully aware it makes you fart in the Journalism room!!!!!!! I had to use heavy-duty deoderizer to wipe out the residue of the tamarind sauce. Yes, I’m sure the students could smell it in the seats!!!!!!

 

“And Barry is thrown out by a mile at home plate!!!!!!!!! Well, that’s Coach T and his baserunning strategy for you. We’re still tied, 3-3, after 14 innings and we will take a commercial break. This is WDIG radio, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“We’re here at Milford Downtown Mall where we are conducting a taste test between Pepsi and Milford’s own, Mudlar-K-ola.”

Coach Shaw, after walking out of Milford Ammo Emporium, samples the merchandise. He spits out the 2nd, getting spray all over his wife’s shopping bag.

“Man, who BREWED this bucket of piss?”

The incognito can is revealed

“PEPSI?????? Brother, we’re going grocery shopping next and we’re buyin’ 2 24-packs of Mudlar-K-ola. I KNEW Pepsi had changed the last few years.”

His wife heartily nods in agreement, if only to get more intimate at Mudlark Lake Resort once again

 

Generic Fan, seen especially at blowouts of Milford Basketball games, in favor of Milford and not in favor of Milford, samples the merchandise. After sampling 2nd choice, face immediately caves in and reappears as Generic Milford High School Cafeteria Lady.

“Jesus, we serve THIS to the students!!!!!!!!!!!!! After we microwave it and serve it with pepperoni pizza that’s been under the lamp for 2 days!!!!!!!!!!”

When informed that it’s Pepsi, he/she says “I need to call Milford Vending and tell the trucks to stop delivering Pepsi and bring in 10 canisters of Mudlar-K-ola.”

 

Daffy Duck, after walking out of Milford Beauty School after completing her recertification on chunky bracelets, takes a sip.

“Ooooooooooooooo, this thing’s got cooties. What is it?”

The culprit is revealed

“Yuk. Somebody doodied in the Pepsi. Thank God I got some change in my purse. There’s a Mudlar-K-ola machine by the mall entrance.”

 

When all is said and done

“You sure they weren’t looking when you switched the cans?”

 

Gang, sorry it took so long. Thank you for your patience. I’ve been dragging along like this plot. Now I’m scheduled to pitch so I better start warming up. You can comment on my slurve if you want.

 

As Coach Kaz leaves the Milford Clay Oven drive-thru, satisfied with the Merlot thrown in on the deal(only with coupon) Padoka Veggie Combo, his wife lets out a scream

“WHAT’S THIS PLASTIC SPIDER DOING IN THE ALLU PAPDI CHAT??????????? IT’S CRAWLING ON THE CHAAT MASALA!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Thanks to Joseph Szerletich for his idea that he threw at me at work. It worked, Joseph. Nice job. You da Man.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Jay Bhatia No-Hits Oakwood!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Had Batters Completely Fooled All Day On Ephus Pitch He Learned From Coach Luhm.”

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July 23, 2018

A Season – Sort Of

Filed under: actual action, baseball, Exploding Eyeball Syndrome — nedryerson @ 7:50 am

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It looks like we’re going to have to endure this game, or some facsimile of a game.

The players from Oakwood don’t want to be doing this any more than we do. They’re just closing their eyes and swinging. They still scored three runs. Let’s file this away for next spring and see if we revisit Jay Bhatia and his quest to be the staff ace.

Pelwecki’s launch angles are off a smidge. The coach from State U. has already forgotten his name.

Who are we kidding? It’s still all about Barry Bader, whose face says, “What about it, guys? All is forgiven, right? Right?”

July 21, 2018

We’re From Milford, We’re from Milford…

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… No one likes us
We don’t care
We’re from Milford
F***in’ Milford
No one likes us
We don’t care

I am Bader
Barry Bader
No one likes me
I don’t care
I am Barry
F***in’ Bader
No one likes me
I don’t care

It’s my dad’s fault
It’s not my fault
It’s my dad’s fault
I don’t care
Didn’t know that
Until last week
It’s my dad’s fault
I don’t care

Where was my mom?
Where was my mom?
For the last year
Did she care?
Did she stand up
To my father?
It’s not my fault
I don’t care

I’m Pelwecki
Kev Pelwecki
I hit homers
No one cares
I’ll beat Shankey’s
F***in’ record
You mean Sharkey?
I don’t care

I am Dafne
On a mission
Get in J-school
I don’t care
I’ll expose my
F***in’ classmates
They don’t like me
I don’t care

I am Ms. Rizk
I will take risks
Name’s ironic?
I don’t care
I just care ’bout
F***in’ Trumpet
I will take risks
I don’t care

I’m Kazinski
Bob Kazinski
I don’t coach much
I don’t care
Hair like Venus
Grab that penis
Off the basepath
I don’t care

I am Gil Thorp
Head Coach Gil Thorp
We’re still playing?
I don’t care
Trust the Process?
There’s no process!
When’s my tee time?
I don’t care

 

July 20, 2018

The Reinvention Of Barry Bader (And Other Assorted Unearned Payoffs)

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Remember yesterday when we were lamenting the eleventh hour assertion that Jay Bhatia somehow had a story that needed to be paid off? Also, remember how we have intermittently wondered if Kevin Pelwecki’s pursuit of Joe Sharkey’s home run record would have a conclusion? Also, remember how we’ve all wondered just how long this season was going to go and whether anything at all was going to be settled?

Oh, and there was one more thing we’ve all been wondering, what was it…? Oh yeah, Barry Bader. We wondered if, when and how exactly Barry might achieve some measure of growth in his precarious position as a well established asshole beset on all sides by people who are, at best, disinterested in helping him?

Well folks, it looks like it’s all getting paid off right here, in three panels and in stunning Technicolor. At least it looks like it will in the near future. Can Whigrub pull this off in one more strip? Do they dare? Stay tuned.

July 19, 2018

Oh for the love of Jay

Filed under: baseball, Boredom in Milford, Coach Kaz, general nonsense, Gil Thorp, Milford Weirdos — robmize2013 @ 1:44 pm

 

So finally, Finally after we’re over the mess of Barry Bader and Dafne the reporter and Mrs. Bader and Kevin P annoying us even when he isnt trying to, and we think we’re in for a nice change of pace with a fresh story and new faces and summer stuff etcetera etcetera, (contract in Willy Wonka movie 1971) we get…………………………….this.

Jay Bhatia. Jay Bhatia?? This is what we’ve been waiting for? Its July 19. Everyones been out of school for a month and a half, and these 3 clowns are still dicking around the office, and the hallways, figuring out who’s gonna Start the next game?? We still HAVE a next game?? When the hell is the LAST game?

First of all how do you pronounce his name? Is is Basha, or Ba hasha, or Bay sha, or Ba Hay sha, or Bay tee ya? I couldnt even find that on Google.                                             Kaz saying he stopped by twice means – what the hell did you accomplish the first time Mister Coach? Oh, we’ll never find out. These guys have time to do everything but move along to the next season.

So Jays point is the pitching is the key to victory, not Kevins launch angles? What was all the time with Kevin spent for then? (See last sentence in 3rd paragraph). Here I thought Kevin was the straw that stirs the drink.

Then Gil tells Jay he’s starting the next game. You know what? In a normal high school team, there is a rotation. All the pitchers know ahead of time when its their turn. So only because of this random conversation, which took TWO trips to the office, Jay finds out he’s starting the next game. Against Oakwood. How many days until that game, Coach? Good thing Jay went twice – once wouldve led him to believe Gil was buying his Bobby Howry-like stat analysis. How many games is ‘With everyone else’?? 6? Real big sample size, Stat Boy. We havent had a storyline about just baseball in forever. Now we’re starting? On July 19??

Bottom line is Gil doesnt care about stats; he decides who pitches and thats that. Fine. But it looks like a way to get Jay out of the way so he can go back in the office and work on that lemonade for the last (only) week of summer whenever it comes.

In the meantime I’ve decided that Jays last name is pronounced – Ba Ha.

 

 

 

 

July 11, 2018

Meanwhile Barry Bader Is Posting Angry Rants To Youtube

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And Gil hasn’t even noticed his absence from… practice? I guess? Shouldn’t Kevin be getting rejected as a QB from the local 7 on 7 teams?

Panel one: As I don’t understand the difference, with respect to baseball teams, between D-II and JuCo (and can’t be bothered to research it), I’m going to guess Gil did the ‘right’ thing in steering Ryan to D-II. Of course this is the second or third time we’ve even mentioned Ryan’s recruitment even though he’s a hard throwing lefty so… another job well done by all involved.

Panel two: “On the other hand, if he hurts his arm, they’ll drop him like a rock and he’ll end up pumping gas at the station outside of whatever town D-II School is in.”

Panel three: “What about The Secret?” “I suspect people will be asking why we’re still talking about that guy for the rest of our lives (of reading Gil Thorp).”

Minus point: What exactly is even going on today? Seriously, at this point I’d almost be OK going down to Milford Country Club to watch Gil ruin the game of golf for a bunch of preadolescents.

July 3, 2018

Yo Quiero Taco Bell And A Baseball Scholarship, Coach Colvin

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Gang, First off, let me get this crow-eating part of me out of the way. That was not, as I might have suspected, Coach Tod Andrews that Gil was genuflecting to on the telephone. I should have known that Berrill’s version of Coach Andrews wouldn’t translate mathematically into Raul Julia at the tanning salon. Hey, you have a hard day at the office and you’re trying to please rabid fans and alumni plus perhaps an athletic director who might pull the trigger at the next 3 23-38 seasons, and ya gotta go somewhere. They’d never think to look under a heat lamp sleeping on a Serta mattress (“Charlie Brown, who’s that funny-looking gentleman with the shades? They never allow adults on the strip. Schultz and Pig Pen are turning over in their graves.”).

Oooooooooookkkkkkkkk, time to get back on my soapbox. And I have one question. Weren’t Coach Colvin and The Chihuahua at the same family reunion? I’d laugh my ass off if Moose showed up at the Taco Bell drive-thru ordering Triple-Layer Nacho Supreme, Mexican Pizza, hold the mushrooms, with tartar sauce, Nacho Cheese Doritos Ranch Style Locos Tacos Supreme, Beefy 5-Layer Burrito, Colby Jack substituted for American, side order of Arthur Treacher Fish ‘n Chips (in one of those little styrofoam containers you can barely take a urine test in, let alone cram mac and cheese or green beans with a slice of bacon the size of Scotch tape), wait behind 5 cars, daydreaming about hitting the game-winning home run in the bottom of the 9th inning, a grand slam no less thanks to all those videos about launch angles (hosted by Mel Allen when he’s moonlighting from This Week in Baseball) for good ol’ State U. against their hated rival, University State, the line is finally moving after 25 minutes, Moose is ready with the correct change, right down to the wooden nickel (“They never say anything”), only to find out that Coach Colvin is opening up the window. “Coach, do you have any mild sauce?” “Nope, all we have is extra-hot.”

Looking at my bat a 3rd time

Waiting for the Coach to call my name

Cuz I’m tired of doing all my homework

I just want a chance to play the game

I know Coach Thorp has warned me strongly

But I just got to dump this town for fame

DON’T GO BACK TO MILFORD

DON’T GO BACK TO MILFORD

DON’T GO BACK TO MILFORD

And waste another year

And let’s get the obvious out of the way. Thorpiverse has wasted our time with the obvious in P2. What did Gil think we were anticipating? Man, Kaz, if he lays on the beach on the Redneck Riviera (Alabama, for you non-rednecks), and takes pointers on how to pick up women from all the sailors who hail from all over the world, he oughta be able to pick up his bat speed by the time Fall Ball rolls around. I talked with Coach Colvin and he said that learning hand-eye coordination is like making a chimichanga. It just takes the right ingredients, i.e., eyes, hands, beans, sour cream, Hillerich & Bradsby bat, fresh ground beef, 80% fat-free with no hormones, 12″ tortilla. Yup, working the drive thru has taught Coach Colvin a lot about making Chimichanga Nuclear Cheese Buster that he’s carried out to the ball diamond when doing batting drills and knowing the count when you’re up at the plate. I think Kevin will do fine.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Daffy Duck Promoted to Editor!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Pulitzer Prize-Winning Story on Papa Bader Making “The Catch” At The DOC World Series Turned Many Heads. Warden Considering Early Release”

All you Brady Bunch groupies, remember when Don Drysdale came by the Brady manor because Mr. Brady (what’s his REAL name, Mendenhall Theophilus Randolph Brady III ?) was good friends with Don and the latter fattened Greg Brady’s head by saying that he could pitch in the World Series one day? I think Don fattened Moose’s head along the way. At least, I’m bettin’ that’s the gist of the conversation in P3. Sure Moose, you could start this weekend for the Yankees. Mickey Mantle is taking a personal day and they’re gonna be short-handed. Might as well start somewhere. If you can handle those assholes, Marty Moon and Ernie the P., surely you can handle the crowd at Yankee Stadium. No place like it.

Well, we all saw what happened to Greg.

It’s not as though I really need you

If you were here, I’d only leave you

But everybody else in town only wants to bring you down,

That’s not how it oughta be

Well, I know it might sound strange but I bel-

Gil, shouting in Moose’s ear “MOOSE, FOR THE 3RD TIME, YOU’RE ON DECK!!!!!!!”

“And Moose belts one over the Green Monster and the Yankees lead the Red Sox, 7-3. There’s a pitching change. Moose is obviously gotten to the pitcher, not to mention the Red Sox fans. We’ll be right back after these messages.”

 

At the Milford Wal-Mart Supercenter, Gil and family are about to check out.

“Mimi, I think we got ‘er done. We have everything for the Annual Baseball & Softball Picnic. 10 bags of Great Value Barbecue Chips? Check. 8 2-liter bottles of Fanta  Lime/Pomegranate? Check. Off! Bug Spray? Check. Oscar Meyer Reduced Fat Low Sodium Carb Free Kosher Prepared Light Garlic Thick-Sliced Bologna? Check. Is there anything else we forgot?

Mimi spots the family bathroom out of the corner of her eye. The diaper station was a dead giveaway.-

“Gil, let’s go to the family bathroom. Kids, you take the groceries to the station wagon. We’ll be right out.”

“Mimi, it’s been 30 years since we’ve changed anybody’s diaper. If you got to take a potty break, go now or forever hold your pants.”

“Gil, I need to talk to you about all the VanCamp’s Pork ‘n’ Beans you bought. Our check might bounce.”

“Mimi, we have Check-Bouncing Protection at Milford National Bank.”

“Yes, but they need our Social Security Number and you can’t say it out here. What if Marty’s around the corner, writes it down, then runs up a tab at Milford Lounge?”

Gil, trapped on that one, not wanting to see Marty stealing his SSN in the name of Gerst Beer, relents.

They enter the bathroom. She locks the door.

“Mimi, we don’t need to lock the door over Pork ‘n Beans.”

Mimi drops her pants. A perfect place for a quickie. And Gil is trapped.

He forgot to take his pill this morning because the Moen faucet sprung a leak and Milford Plumbing Inc. was on assignment over the weekend down in the sewer lines.

Gil had nothing to wash it down.

“Mimi, Is that helium balloon station by the Vision Center still there? Because I’m as limp as a 10-day-old plantain.”

“Gil, I can’t go out like this. That was THE IDEA, to stay in from the rain and get warm and cuddly.”

“Mimi, I don’t think that stall with all the street gang symbols on the walls would fit us anyway. I couldn’t go back and forth with that little room, let alone with the Twinkie I have in my possession.”

“Gil, surely the residue from the double dose you took the day before ought to carry over to this stall. I can wait until things start to inflate. In fact, I think I have a safety pin to prick the wienie in my purse.”

“I don’t know, Mimi. Now I know what Papa Bader goes through. He can barely poop, let alone pull a Pee-Wee Herman.”

BAM! BAM! BAM!

“IF YOU’RE DONE IN THERE, MY 3-YEAR-OLD HAS DIARRHEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Wal-Mart Assistant Manager Don Granger has the last word.

“It wasn’t pretty. We had to evacuate the Frozen and the Bakery aisles. We managed to salvage the endcap on the Healthy Choice’s.

Unfortunately, we had to literally flush all the Great Value Low Sodium Butterscotch/Maraschino Cherry Ice Cream on the other endcap straight down the janitorial-sized toilets. We had to refresh our associates on hand-washing procedures at the morning meeting, making sure they washed up to their elbows. It just sucked when we couldn’t do the Wal-Mart cheer (“Gimme a SQUIGGLY!!!!!!” “SQUIGGLY!!!!!!!!”).

“All of this could have been avoided if Gil had gone to the Milford Men’s Clinic. There’s a branch right here at Wal-Mart. That’s right, right next to Milford State Bank by the Grocery entrance. When men fail in their sex lives, isn’t it nice to know there’s a convenient location where men can get a refill while the wife does the grocery shopping? A match made in heaven. And the cleanup jobs it’ll save our associates. It makes for one happy family. Sam would have wanted it that way.

 

“Joe, could you hit that spot in the corner with the mop? There’s still a bit of doo-doo by the Totino’s Supreme Pizza endcap.”

“Yup. You want it buffered?”

“Nah, We won’t have time. The Totino’s blitz is today and I don’t want anybody getting run over.”

 

Gang, while Moose is trying to get out of Rockville, fire away. I’ll leave you with this

 

At night I sleep in Milford’s dugout

Waiting patiently to board the bus

Cuz it’s so much easier to handle

All my problems and I don’t have to swear and cuss

I’ll lift some weights and run a lot

And get my scholarship without a fuss

DON’T GO BACK TO MILFORD

DON’T GO BACK TO MILFORD

DON’T GO BACK TO MILFORD

 

And waste another year.

June 30, 2018

Coach Colvin needs to see a trainer, amirite?

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Where’s Rick Scott or Heather Burns when you need them?  Poor Coach Delano Colvin has suffered an horrific ankle sprain or worse (link is not for the squeamish).  Gil may have run into Delano on the Mudlarks’ trip back from Bluffton earlier in the season. That might lead me to believe that “State U.” is the one in Raleigh; however, a GPA of “almost 3.5” looks like it won’t cut the mustard there, being a reach at best.

While Pelwecki gets called to the office over the intercom (instead of Gil having the message sent to Pelwecki’s next period teacher, as he is often wont to do) we get spirited back to the Trumpet office in what is essentially a tell, don’t show repeat of Thursday’s panel 3.

Meanwhile, in an assisted living facility in an unnamed town, Herk the Mauler watches old wrasslin’ highlights and wonders when his rematch with Beau Dandy is coming up. Here’s a wrasslin’ highlight from one of my all time favorite heels.

 

 

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