This Week in Milford

January 20, 2018

Jadine, honey is that you?

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Okay, we get it. Paloma Padilla is suffering from survivor’s guilt of a sort, as she’s complained to her teammates at The Bucket for the past two days. Apparently when you say “chunky bracelets” they just bring you those, too. If this week has been prologue, we’ll spend the next couple of months having Paloma and everyone else tell us about things that happened that we never get to see happen.

Tell-Don’t-Show Disease has spread to Jacky Elenore (who Googles up a blank; guess that spelling throws things off) and Jadine Bynes, who rubs her cheek as if to show us some abrasion or contusion inflicted on her by Paloma. Jadine’s a veteran Lady Mudlark who’s used to getting knocked around by her teammates during practice. She should know how to handle that by now, assuming she’s gotten over those stomach problems.

I’m more impressed by Jacky’s ventriloquist act; throwing your voice while drinking water isn’t the easiest trick.

Today’s post title was a gimme. Get you some!

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January 18, 2018

“They Actually Asked Me if I Wanted a Hot Apple Pie With My Order.”

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Dad, if you’re reading this, thanks for egging me on. I was scared clueless but you always navigate the storms with the best of them. Love you, Big Guy.

Not that my mom (happy birthday, yesterday, Mom) and my sister didn’t figure into things. They certainly gave me incentive to pull this one off. Love you too.

This is the Dean Koontz novel that was never published, stored under his high school yearbooks in the attic. You know, Ernest P. Worrell’s thought process arose from the grave of anonymous cemetery somewhere in Nashville, leaving the body of the aforementioned to rot eternally in the ground (“Ernest P. Worrell burns in Hell along with Carrie White”) and assumed the body of Frito Bandito through the means of telekinesis. His sister, spending more time absorbing culture shock at The Bucket than developing her postup skills (they do have gymnasiums available in case you change your mind), was worried sick about him since one day, while taking her home from school, he said to her “Yo quiero Taco Bell. Tengo mucho hambre. Ya wanna go in the dining area or the drive-thru, Vern? Do ya think my F-150 with them mud-caked monster wheels will clear the bar?”

In P1, Ward Cleaver is having one of those heart-to-heart talks every father has with his son. Here was the gist of the warm words doled out “Beaver, I already have Eddie Haskell at the point and Lumpy Rutherford will play the 2 guard while Lurch will anchor things down low. But don’t worry, if Eddie or Lumpy are caught not hustling, you’re comin’ off the bench.”

And you’re not fooling me, Thorpiverse. Gil and Jorge missed the ferry across the river Styx to Hades, Charon running behind, although said mythological figure managed to transport Ernest P. and Carrie in a reasonable amount of time. So Gil and Jorge are returning from the Shadow of Death. Perhaps another time.

In P3, it gets about as ridiculous as you can imagine. Many countries, Third World countries included, have been bitten by the Americana bug and are liberally sprinkled with McDonald’s, KFC, Pizza Hut, Wal-Mart, etc. Maybe 30-40 years ago, America was kept at a distance but now I have yet to read an article in the paper discussing some Third World dictator executing political prisoners on the charges of devouring one Big Mac too many. And what makes it worse, Puerto Rico is a Commonwealth of the U. S. Not that I approve of what’s going on (I don’t) but Puerto Rico has also arguably been one of the forerunners of soaking in American culture.

Oooook, so that said, if ya git Church’s Fried Chicken 3-Piece (2 breasts, 1 wing) Extra-Greasy Combo with mashed potatas ‘n’ okra, both stuffed in them microscopic styrofoam cups and ya have a bunch of ’em stored in 5 feet x 5 feet crates shipped from the ports of San Juan straight to a space in yore garage next to the power riding mower, ya might be a redneck.

Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer:

“UFO Spotted in the Milford Gymnasium!!!!!!”

“Officials Later Confirmed That Someone Was Practicing His 3-Point Shooting.”

Yesterday’s headline from the Milford Enquirer:

“Gil Claims to Have Seen Elvis!!!!!!!!!!”

“I Told Him I Needed A Note From His Parents and His Physical Had to Be Turned in by Friday.”

Gang, you’ve been super all week. The comments were electric and I wish I could address ’em all because they were FUNNY and/or THOUGHT-PROVOKING. It’s your turn, Ladies & Gentlemen. What’s on your mind?

 

January 17, 2018

Milford Floor-Spaces Oakwood in Foul-Prone, Cold-Shooting, Knock-Down, Drag-Out, Loser-Leaves-The-Comic-Strip Show-Down in the Play-Downs!!!!!!!!!!

Filed under: basketball, Gil Thorp, Marjie Ducey, Steve Luhm's Ghost Mops These Floors — tdrewhardin @ 2:36 am

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Whew! I gotta sit down. That’s a lotta hyphens. Let me catch my breath, Gil. I mighta over-hyphenated as I think you could ram together play-downs to playdowns but did you ever try to keep up with a man who must have went to the library to check out a book on basketball lingo(get a life, Gil) and proceeded to memorize the terminology from A to Z?

Gil sipping his cappuccino, taking a long drag on his meerschaum. Mimi is drumming her fingers on the coffee table, waiting for The Moment. “Pick-and-Roll. Ummmm, let’s see, don’t tell me, Mimi, let me think, I’m still flushing football out of my system. Isn’t that where you try to draw a charge by rolling to the ground in a knee-jerk reaction when opponent makes slight contact with you on his way to the hoop? No???? Gimme that book!!!!!!”

Gil, I’ll even settle for a game of HORSE, heck, I’ll spot you H and O, but can we get on with the sport, for cryin’ out loud???? We’ve seen as much basketball inertness as we have hyphenated nomenclature. Preseason(oops, Pre-season) consisted of a girl (understandably) moanin’ the blues while her brother had a powwow with Lurch & company yesterday, and if anybody noticed, if he’s a guard, EXCEPT for Lurch, he seemed to semi-tower over the rest of the floor-spacers. And poor #5 a/k/a Larry Fine, Jr(dad must be in the stands somewhere, proud as a peacock-good one, Jive Turkey, BTW). How’s he gonna floor-space, using one arm?

C’mon, Thorp. If you’re gonna try to convince the rest of the population that Jumpin’ Jack Foxworthy is the real deal and can pilfer my lunch money off the top of the backboard, it’s gonna take more than a snapshot resembling the Kentucky State Flag(as in P3). “Well, I never saw you, I was still trying to get “Slash-and-Burn” down cold but you’re as good as advertised.” “Thanks, Coach, but did you check out ‘Fun with Cultural Anthropology’ by mistake?”

Pity the poor fool engineering the up-the-nostril camera angle in P1. I hope he has insurance. Or a strong back brace. Just don’t zoom the lens for a Big Close-up and you should be OK(“yuk, Gil, need a Kleenex?” Thanks, Marcie. Now where was I? Oh, yeah, we’re gonna Shake-and-Bake…”).

And remember, if yore name is Francisco Jose de Goya y Lucientes but ya got an accent only a Mississippian could translate and ya commute to school in a 4-wheel drive, the same one that got ya In-School Suspension on account of the gun rack ya toted on school property, even if the same inexplicably carried yore textbooks like Chem I and World Geography, ya might be a redneck.

Enough of me. Gang, we’ve had some strong comments the last couple of days. Waitin’ on y’all. That’s how I learn.

January 12, 2018

Chances of this storyline being any good – Nada.

Filed under: basketball, Gil Thorp — robmize2013 @ 6:12 pm

This thread is already unraveling with Primo showing his shooting form in the office; it dont mean a damn thing if you’re laying bricks on the court. Only in comic strip land can Primo be eligible this season anyway. Transfers in our world have to sit out a semester.

If he started class today – how the hell is he just now wandering into Gils office? Why isnt he ….IN CLASS??? Gil is a dope. Oh just start whenever you want. I keep my students here all summer and then they play football til New Years Day. Who needs a calendar or a watch?

 

Now for a parody song based on another parody song I heard the other day about the Bears new O-line coach Harry Hestand. The tune is REM’s Stand from 1988.

Gil Thorp what do you do at wooork?

Cant coach Larks

Any old direction would do fine but you dont have the time

Gil Thorp You’re not doing good woork–

Cant find guards

Think about your coaching wonder why your team is the worst.

Soto cant play

His uncle’s a scum

The veer is a joke

The games are not fun

Marty is gonna put you on the ground

When Heather steps in, your career is done.

Gil Thorp what do you do at woork?

Cant use Case

Pick a new direction may we suggest towards the defense

Gil Thorp you’re not doing good wooork–

Cant find backs

Think about the running game and please try to make it suck less.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 11, 2018

I bet he can handle himself alright if he has to

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Born in Puerto Rico

Raised in Georgia

My mama gave me the basic facts of life (of life…)

 

On top of all that, he played for the Nats.* Geez, hasn’t Jorge Padilla suffered enough?

Today’s inspiration:

*He could instead be the economist or the lawyer, which would be par for the Rubin course.

January 5, 2018

Primo!

Filed under: basketball, Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp — robmize2013 @ 8:05 pm

So now Gil finally realizes its January 5 and he has no idea who will be on his basketball roster. Hey Gil– use one of the centers as a power forward. Then take the biggest guard and make him a small forward (like I was. My game was most like Brad Sellers – good outside shot, good free throw shooter, didnt rebound or play much defense except for some rough fouls that made up for my lack of talent in that area.)

So yesterday Gil told Marty he had 5 football players on his roster; now he tells Kaz he only has 2 football bodies. What happened to the other 3 between last week and today? Did they shrivel up overnight like old pumpkins? ( Reminds me I need to throw out my pumpkins from Halloween that are still sitting in the garage) And what about Rick Soto? Not a football body? What the hell was he on the football team for then??

And a new character – Primo – reminds me of my dads old friend Primo Ribeck. His name meant ‘First’. I didnt know him from Adam til my dad retired in 1982 and started playing in 2 golf leagues a week. I joined him when I could, as my job at the time was mostly evenings. The Friday group included Primo, who was a short guy who could putt better then me and gave me some good golf tips I still remember. He also had an electric cart that would ride ahead of him as he strode down the fairway with 3 clubs in his hand. He played fast for a short guy. But he always told me – “We wait for everyone else then we hurry. We’ll make them (the group behind us) wait for us.” Good advice. Rest in peace Primo. Your name lives on in Gil Thorp.

January 2, 2018

Is It Just Me Or Did I Miss The Grift?

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Seriously, though, other than a little concussion scare mongering in furtherance of Rick and UG’s careers, in addition to some professional and financial distress, UG didn’t seem to be all that nefarious, goatee notwithstanding.

And it looks like we’ll be kicking the New Year off with Aaaaaaron Aaaaargard and continuing with Rick Soto. I vaguely recall Gil’s intervention there being similarly sensitive and compassionate. C’mon, Gil. You just fractured a household. Don’t strain yourself patting your own back. And, Kaz, c’mon, keep that kind of talk for back in the coaches’ offices.

September 9, 2017

Trey Facepalms for Us All

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What more need we say?

P1: If Jaquan was a star these past two months would’ve been moot. Not all who wander are lost – except for Rubin, who was lost.

P2: Albrecht Dürer meets Roy Lichtenstein, Whigham style.

P3: Freeze-Frame Ending. If you listen hard enough you can hear the theme from “CHiPs.”  Here are a few more to hold y’all over until Monday.

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