This Week in Milford

April 18, 2023

“Sorry, Rodney, You’re Not Getting My Bud Light.”

Filed under: baseball, basketball, freak hands, Gil Thorp, hideous scar faces — tdrewhardin @ 12:08 pm

“Ohhhhhhhh, Coach, they had to amputate this morning. Then my back feels like somebody stuck a sword up my coccyx. I have cancer of the retina and can barely read the eye chart even when it’s highlighted. I have leukocytes running all around my spleen and blood is running all over my ulna and radius. I am puking up six ways to Sunday. I’m getting my rabies shot in an hour. Oh God, Coach, ya gotta help me get delivered from distemper!!!!!!!!!”

“I feel ya, Rodney. But you’re still not getting my Bud Light.”

Surely you remember that Budweiser Light commercial from the ‘80’s when some smarmy bleeding-heart jerk is fishing with his daddy somewhere at Fish & Wildlife USA and this jerk is pouring out a river ululating that he really is enamored with his dad.

“Sorry, Johnny, you’re not getting my Bud Light.”

Unsuccessful, Mr. Jerk leans the other way towards his brother


“Forget it, Johnny.”

This whole shebang arose when I saw the bottles being dumped in the room and my imagination started running wilder than Luke’s preening of himself. Since when do people cart bottles of Dad’s Root Beer up the elevator and sneak it past the nurse’s desk? Oh, don’t mind us, Nurse Ratched. We know he’s afflicted with malaria but we thought the sugar rush would at least keep him awake.

And it’s not like I haven’t witnessed this first hand. When my nephew played high school baseball his senior year, he violently collided with the center fielder(he played right field) on a tweener fly ball. It was scary and something I don’t ever want to go through again. Riding in the ambulance and watching him babbling incoherently was not a pleasant experience. Thankfully, many prayers and notes of encouragement and a great medical staff got him back on his feet. It was bittersweet because his high school career was over but he would live and live very well. I’m very proud of him for what he accomplished.

So again, I can relate to Rodney. Why Thorpiverse has to turn this into Miller Time is the $64,000 question. Like what are you going to tell the cashier at Milford Beverage Warehouse?

“Wow!!!!!!! Two cases of Michelob, two bags of Cheetos, four bags of Lay’s Sour Cream & Onion, and some Totino’s Supreme Reduced Fat Pizzas!!!!!!!!! Must be some party.”

“Nah, Rodney got blitzed when Luke backed up the wrong way in the parking lot. He’s day-to-day but the EEG tests were hopeful.”

This is absurd. A few weeks ago, Kareem was running the team into the ground because the team was not in tip-top condition. I remember reading about one major league manager who, after a gut-wrenching loss one night, had everybody line up along one of the foul lines. He had everybody run from there to the outfield fence and back. Many players came back hacking and wheezing and puking up dinner that afternoon.

He made his point.

Moreover, Buddy Ryan, when he started coaching the Philadelphia Eagles after his acrimonious split with Mike Ditka, conducted a fitness test to weed out the ones who’d been snarfing one Twinkie too many. This one player who had been released from another club went through Ryan’s grueling, grueling challenge. And he was barfing in every direction on the football turf. This prompted Ryan to say

“I knew I shouldn’t have taken a chance on a loser who got claimed off of waivers. He thinks 8-8 is a Super Bowl season.”

And it’d be like the Mudlarks going through one of Ryan’s Road to Glory Goes Through Hell workouts only to watch the game get won on an errant slam dunk that won the Valley Conference Slam Dunk Contest after Rodney got smacked with a chairback from Jerry Lawler. God, T-verse thinks mediocre plots are Classic Literature. Nathaniel Hawthorne writing Richie Rich. You want anti-climactic, you’ll get plenty of it in Mudlarkland. Oh, thanks, Kareem, we appreciate your heading the President’s Physical Fitness Program. Now run along and let Rodney get run over by a Union Pacific; we’ll win it filing a protest or question the refs on a correctable error, whichever will get us to baseball faster.

In Dr. Pearl’s office one afternoon, her 1905 Close ‘n’ Play churning out Grateful Dead’s “American Beauty”

“Look, I’ll file all your Hospital Visits-Basketball Injury Reports-Boys and Girls Summaries-2015; I don’t have a lot to do anyway.”

“Gil, for the last time, you’re not getting my Bud Light.”

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Found Regurgitating On Random City Block!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford Lounge owner: ‘I knew we shouldn’t have served Jalapeños Black Eyed Peas for appetizers during Happy Hour.’”

And over on the Glenwood Across The Month Of March And April In One Package Deal, Fred & Wilma decide to stay after three weeks of deliberating, even though Mud Mountain Murphy got religion. They will go ahead and use the Time Share Cabin and therefore Gil and Mimi will have to sleep in the laundry next to Heehaw’s cot. Fred & Wilma will not discuss Denying The Consequent in logic, pointing out they’ve wasted enough time wondering if Ravi Shankar is really Red Sovine. They will take a stroll and MAYBE (Wilma’s words) go to the bedroom. Wilma, there’s no McDonald’s Drive-Thru smack dab in the middle of the Bay of Bengal. Working on your free throw percentage on the ship’s asphalt basketball courts can wait. WILL THEY FINALLY COPULATE???? WILL IT TAKE FRED THREE WEEKS TO DISPLAY HIS WARD CLEAVER BOXER SHORTS TO WILMA????? Don’t lose sleep on this one is all I ask.

Whoever did Tobe’s hair also more than likely did the floral arrangement in the background. You can never have too many rose petals in blue hair. It is indeed nice that Rodney received a plethora of get well cards and I wouldn’t be surprised that none of them belong to Luke. That’s too classy. I couldn’t see Dick Dastardly sending a Be Of Good Cheer singing telegram and the FTD florist to Penelope Pitstop when she’s undergoing breast cancer treatments.

“Pheeeewwwwwiieeeeee!!!!!!! Who threw a stink bomb in Rodney’s room?”

“Oh, I forgot to mention, Luke informed me he was FedEx’ing a sympathy message.”

The only thing missing in this Budweiser Moment are the Clydesdales. Don’t put it past T-verse. If they could finagle Radar’s Grape Nehi’s past the Pinkertons, shoot, just use the service elevator and bring a shovel in case any Clydesdale’s got the runs, close the curtain once they sidle into Rodney’s room, voila!!!!!! Talking about the upcoming baseball season, sipping on a Nehi and stroking a Clydesdale on his chest? It don’t get no better than this. Okay, that’s an Old Milwaukee slogan, not a Bud slogan but don’t rain on my parade. Don’t ruin this moment. Let Gil snuggle with Mr. Ed with a Gerst on n his hand and shut up.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Valley Tech Prospect Vomits All Over Luke Lunkhead’s Wrestling Outfit!!!!!!!!! Subsequently Cut From Team!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I knew he couldn’t cut it once he climbed the third floor of the bank tower. Everybody over at New Thayer thought scaling a kiddie slide was like conquering Mt. Everest.”

In Gil’s office

“Oh Kaz, please don’t leave us. I never thought I’d say this but I loved you as our assistant. So did our kids. Don’t take that job at Milford Boys Club as the maintenance technician, our plots will come to a screeching halt.”

“Forget it, Gil, you’re not getting my Bud Light.”

I am not getting a good feeling when Gil in P2 is ripping the bottle cap right off the Bud bottle. I can well imagine the ensuing conversation

“Rodney (hiccup) , I just want to let you know (burrrrrppppp) that we were thinking (belllccchhhhhhhh) of you and anything (hiccup) we can do to make it better (retch) , let us know. You want us to order (snorrrrtttttttt) your hospital food now? Do you want one or two pieces of (hiccup) fried zucchini?”

I mean, I’m sorry. When Fred is about to shake that thang in front of Wilma and cause a minor tremor on the cruise ship, do you think Fred is going to slurp a Grape Nehi FIRST?????I’ve heard of mating rituals but they usually left Radar O’Reilly out of the closet. Why we have to have Gil with a Lowenbrau while Rodney is under sedation after surgery to remove his tonsils is beyond my sanity. Oh, and marigolds Gil dug up out of Mimi’s garden that were overrun with millworms anyway.

On Glenwood Cruise Across The Universe tourlines

“Got to scrap that doggie doody off your shoes, Wilma.”

“Oh Fred, you say the dirtiest things. What else from ‘Exile on Main Street’ can you quote?”

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Final Cuts Will Be Announced Today By Coach Ochoa At Baseball Tryouts!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Those that can eat a Mud Mountain Murphy Cheesecake and run a 6-minute mile without choking it up will be our A Team.”

P2 also reminds me of a movie with Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda called “Yours, Mine, and Ours”. Both played widowed parents with large families, Fonda playing Frank Beardsley, with ten kids and Ball, playing Helen North, with eight kids. It’s a semi-regimented bunch, given Frank’s job as an officer in the U.S. Navy and Helen working as a civilian on Frank’s naval base.
As they’re getting to know each other, one night Frank invites Helen over for dinner, to the minor resentment of the kids (eighteen of them, remember) . The older Beardsley boys play a prank on Helen by spiking her iced tea with gin, vodka, and scotch. Helen is so stone drunk by the time dinner commences that when the family says Grace, Helen is uncontrollably hiccuping as the words are reverently spoken. The coup de grace was when Helen, attempting unsuccessfully to scoop mashed potatoes out of a bowl because she’s too inebriated to lift a toothpick, finally musters a glop but when she then tries to place them on one of the children’s plate, the glop plops down in that child’s lap. Frank is not surprisingly upset. Speaking as a naval officer, he bellows out to the culprits “The court of inquiry is now in session!” The boys finally admit their guilt and apologize.

I’d laugh if Gil got so buzzed off of Hoodad’s, he plops the hospital mashed potatoes into the roses.

“Here, have some peach cobbler, Rodney, whoopsy daisy. Nurse, can we get a dish rag and a mop?”

“It’s okay, Coach. I have to change my gown in a few minutes anyway. And don’t worry about the roses. They clip them every hour and the meat loaf scraps should all be gone by then.”

“Honey Love Dove Baby Buggy Bumpers Sweetie Tweetie, Lily Lollipop Candy Andy Raggedy Ann Doll of Fortune With a Plump Cherry on a Chocolate Dream Pie in Never Never Land with Peter Pan’s Prized Possession-“

“Mr. Dr. Pearl, you can not have the last Bud Light. I’m saving it for my tea party tomorrow.”

“Fred, are you sure that Ravi Shankar isn’t in this room?”

“Wilma, would I boldly go where no man has gone before and expose the sexy hair follicles on my chest? When foreplay is at its acme when I put on a Harold Stassen toupee?”

Yeah, let’s drink to the christening of the Titanic over some bottles of Hoodad’s. Makes perfect sense to me. When Lou Gehrig gave his Luckiest Man Alive speech, somebody slipped a Hoodad’s in his back pocket in case his speech caused parched vocal cords. Washington crossed the Delaware after his troops had breakfast comprised of eggs, grits, bacon, and Hoodad’s. Breakfast of Champions. Rodney will set the world on fire and break Aaron Judge’s home run record one day and it was all because the Resident Nurse allowed to drink a Hoodad’s when he was ingesting Carvedilol. I just hope I’m alive when he is making history. I wouldn’t want to be left out of the Hoodad’s Hoopla.

In other news…

On the Glenwood Cruise Across Ravi Shankar’s Estate Behind The Taj Mahal And The Agra 7-11

“Fred, that moonlight is so romantic. I am in estrus. Shall we go to more intimate quarters?”

“Uhhhhhhh, Wilma, I hear The Police are doing the midnight show. They’re playing all of ‘Zenyatta Mondatta’.

“Can’t that wait? They’re doing an afternoon show tomorrow with Chet Atkins. We’ll have time to enjoy our musical pursuits even if Mud Mountain Murphy took sabbatical at an ashram in Bangladesh.”

“Gee, look at Ted Turner!!!!! Is he still competing as a yachtsman? Somebody throw him a life raft if he collides with this ship. I wouldn’t want another Titanic incident. Hey, Ted, you still have sex with Jane????”

“Speaking of which, Fred-“

“And look!!!!!! The captain told me that the sharks and porpoises come out at 11:00!!!!!! They stage a simulated battle to the delight of the kiddies. It’s like Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show, only in the ocean. I think the sharks are the cowboys and the porpoises are the Indians. Moby Dick is Buffalo Bill himself.”

“Speaking of Moby Dick, is yours sufficiently pumped for our honey-“

“Why don’t we get a bite to eat first? All that waiting for three weeks to see if Mud was going to play like Wet Willie or Lawrence Welk really worked up an appetite. I heard there’s a Burger King on the third deck. The Wild-Caught Speckled Tuna Fish Whopper is to die for.”

“Your motives smell like tuna fish, I’ll concede that. Now why don’t we go hand-in-hand and go to Never Never Land and find treasure when we get there.”

“Wilma, I like Todd Rundgren too but I can’t rise to the occasion until we first play a game of Air Hockey in the Recreation Hall. I’ll be ramming it into your net and loving every minute of it.”

“You can still do that without the hockey stick.”

“But I’m scoring points!!!!!! And the trophy is going to look swell next to the possum head trophy on the wall in my den.”

“Fred, are you ashamed to admit that the possum head is BIGGER than your prized possession?”

“Are you talking about my dad’s art?”

“Not really.”


“I’m afraid Wilma scored some points herself. And when my prized possession rivaled Coach Thorp’s, we went as a team down to Milford Men’s Clinic. They gave us the EREC-3405 Comfortably Numb and Hard injections and Gil got immediate results. Let’s just say Cami will be running baseball practice for a while because Gil is having too much fun. And I grab Wilma even during the cruiseline’s Ice Cream Break. We make our own hot fudge sundae and brownies never tasted better. I throw the cherry they stick on top out the porthole in the ocean but Wilma doesn’t mind. We still have the icing on the cake and that’s with the Milford Men’s Clinic Discount Card I use all the time. Come get your own Betty Crocker and lay down with her after you’ve eaten her carrot cake only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, Fred was not with Aerosmith at one time. Did you ever see his picture on “Get Your Wings” or “Toys in the Attic” or Night in the Ruts”? Rest my case.

“Oh, Wilma, we shall spend forever wrapped in each other’s embrace and I shall cherish the luscious mess of your lips in a moment of El Dorado with your sensuous body an elixir for my sexual ardor and ever able to more than satisfy my libido until the Twelfth of Never.”

“Fred, you better do better than that if you really want my Bud Light.”

April 10, 2023

The sound of one hand clapping

Filed under: basketball, Gil Thorp, hands in the air — robmize2013 @ 9:43 pm

A polite applause in P1 for the new champions, I would venture to guess, since in real life there would be storming of the court.Theyre also referring to the health of the player in the hospital. . The analyst is obviously a former Valley player or teacher.

P2 – Yes its fine to want to go see Rod, Keri, but visiting hours in the hospital are surely over by now, plus he may still be in the ICU. Maybe tomorrow.

P3 – By now the coaches should have shook hands, plus the teams should have lined up and shook hands. No need for Gil to ask if it was a good game. Luke could answer – well, if we won it was a good game. And Gils tie has switched from blue to purple.

April 8, 2023

Bang! Zoom! A’ta’zhóón!

Well there ya go. Milford wins the Valley on a tie-breaking, buzzer-beating trey from Leo A’ta’zhóón. Apache ball wins the day. Nice arc-ender from Barajas tbh, but why you gotta have the Native guy saying “Ugh!” not once but twice? Not cool. Nice tribute to Kaz from Gil with the forelock, too.

Potential cliff-hanger/hook into the next arc with Keri hanging with/onto Pedro Martinez, who’s cheering on the Mudlarks while wearing a Milford jacket. How pissed will Luke be about all of this? Pissed enough to trot him out on the mound during baseball season and try to force him to go headhunting Mudlarks? Whatever happens there’ll be plenty of opportunity for Don Zimmer jokes, no doubt.

April 7, 2023

Guess the anticlimatic finish is still ahead

Filed under: actual action, basketball, Gil Thorp, lessons learned — robmize2013 @ 8:53 pm

The coaches meet to decide how to handle the medical emergency that dufus Luke created when he provoked his players to be violent in order to win the championship. Yes they decide to play, but honestly its hard to get up emotionally after what happened, similar to the Bills-Bengals game in which the teams decided Not to continue.

After a view of both teams standing together and announcing their decision, the game continues, but not until good ol Rod has regained consciousness. How long do you wait for something like this without both tightening up and losing the heart to play?

And we were all looking forward to a spine tingling ending similar to the San Diego State miracle against FAU in the Final Four last week. Now all we’ll get is a win by somebody who will feel guilty holding the trophy no matter which side it is.

In the end, as Jewel sang, only kindness matters. Being a good sport is more important then being good at sports. At least everyone learned that lesson without a life being lost. Long after these kids are done shoving a ball through a hoop for an audience, they’ll remember that the way you treat your fellow man is the way you’ll ultimately be remembered.

April 6, 2023

“I Finally Got A Hold Of Your Mom At Lemuel’s Concert, Rodney. She’s On Her Way.”

Filed under: basketball, Gil Thorp, hideous scar faces, Make and Model Mystery Mobile — tdrewhardin @ 3:10 pm

Gang, I don’t know who’s doing more farting around, Fred & Wilma at Lemuel-nee-Mud Mountain’s concert or Gil & Luke at the ball game, if you really want to call the latter that. Daggone it, how many days do they need to discuss Black Sabbath isn’t the same since Sabbath began playing Lawrence Welk setlists while on the Glenwood Across The Bering Sea on their honeymoon???? And how many days do we need after we have received strong hints this ain’t anywhere near following the Berrill script where the other team is wearing down because Gil did some coaching for once, using Kareem as a front man, no less????

Come on, Fred, let’s go see if Def Leppard is still playing in the ballroom. No, Wilma, I want an answer from the concert promoter why “Them Muddy Boots” hasn’t been played. I agree, Fred, you’d think the cruise staff would be sensitive to us old-timers. Wilma, it just isn’t right, I was expecting Mud Mountain Murphy and I got Tiny Tim. And Fred, I heard rumors that the captain of this ship wanted Ray Price anyway so he must be in revenge mode. Wilma, that sucks. He’s going to impose Rush’s “All The World’s a Stage” on us? Fred, I wouldn’t complain except Neil Peart is dead so I can’t get his autograph on my lapel. Wilma, if Mud continues to sound like The Statler Brothers, I’m calling my attorney. Fred, I don’t know if you can get a hold of Miss Baxendale at the present moment. She and her boyfriend are at an Al Green concert on the Milford to Finland Cruise.

DAMMIT, if you don’t like the concert GET UP AND LEAVE!!!!!!!!! Why spend two weeks deciding if Deep Purple’s “Woman From Tokayo” is palatable to the ear? At least Gil didn’t take that long getting Rodney in the ambulance.

But that’s just a cheap consolation prize. I didn’t win $1,000,000 but I got this nice Gil Thorp Brylcreem Shaving Kit. Something to show my grandkids.

And we still really haven’t found out about the game. Did Milford win? And was it because of Kareem’s workouts or was that just a sideshow? I better not answer that one, God forbid. The VTers were getting run in the ground but of course, did anyone really expect Luke Lemuel to get a sword when confronted by a warrior with the same weapon?

I read an article once in Time/Newsweek in their guest editorial where an ex-Marine explained why Marines in general sometimes had trouble adapting to another country. This writer pointed out that Marines are used to fighting honorably. So when terrorists come along and commit dirty underhanded acts of violence, Marines many times don’t know how to respond. In the movie “Raiders of the Lost Ark” when Indiana Jones is confronted with an Arabian who flaunts this huge sword at him, challenging Indiana to a duel, we in the audience were shocked when he simply used a pistol to gun this Arabian down. The writer scored a brilliant point when he wrote that a Marine would have tried to go get a sword of his own.

Therefore, don’t count on returning to the building to see if Lemuel will engage in a fencing match or use his cannon stored away in the officials room. Gil better bring that bazooka stored in his gym bag. Sometimes you have to even things up.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford-Valley Tech Game To Be Decided By Coin Flip!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Dr. Pearl to proctor the metal detector proceedings to ensure coin possesses equal weight and texture on both sides.”

At Lemuel Lama concert

“…no, Wilma, I want to go watch Procol Harum. I heard Gary Brooker really isn’t dead and he was autographing Cruise Diner napkins.”

“Oh Fred, maybe Mud is just bloated from all that ice cream sundae at the Cruise Dessert Bar. We can watch Gary Glitter tomorrow…”

I’m not familiar with ambulance protocol but I’m sure the “7” on the side of the ambulance means something. I’d spit out my dinner if that was

“Milford Ambulance Emporium

Open 24/7 at your convenience.

Available with those whose go-go lifestyle had too much go in it.”

And is that REALLY “Milford” spelled on the side? Hard to tell when it’s written in Sanskrit. Still, I’m wagering Sanskrit and English employ the letter “M” and so let’s venture a little further. The “I” and “L” are rough-hewn but I don’t believe “Maladjusted” would be painted on an ambulance. The fourth letter is highly debatable and I’m tempted to insert a “T” at this critical juncture. But why would a paramedic and an EMT drive around in a vehicle with “Maltese Falcon” stenciled in? Just wouldn’t make sense. “Manhattan Transfer?” Are they coming to Milford to perform?

And about as much sense as a vehicle lodged up Gil’s butt and somewhat hindering the launching of Rodney into the ambulance. Who parked there? Is Marjie Ducey or Heather Burns there to do a story and were too lazy so they park in the Fire Zone? SCREEECCCCHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Oh, don’t mind us, Gil. We’re here to do a story. Just a few more pictures of Rodney’s entrails and we’re good to go. Hey, paramedic, move out of the way. I need to get a comment from Rodney before press time. Really, Rodney. So the VT player who committed this cowardly act just got released from Valley Modified last week? Where’s his parole officer? I need a statement from him too.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Luke Insists No Foul Play Was Involved In Collision With Rodney Barnes!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I will be more than happy to discuss more on this topic on my lakefront property on the Redneck Riviera.”

At the Lemuel Mountain Murphy concert

“…but we need to go to sleep now. Truck Tyler won’t be playing ‘Louie Louie’ until his midnight show, Wilma.”

“Fred, dammit, that’s our song. The Rolling Stones will play another ‘Beggar’s Banquet Tour’ in the guest room on Saturday…”

Rodney is giving the thumbs up so all is right with the world. That’s one worry out of my way. A couple of days ago he was Hank Gathers but this generous plotline didn’t allow for another Boo Radley. God, I couldn’t imagine this tragi-comedy being dragged on the way they dragged Ridley’s celebrity status around the building for weeks on end. I’m sorry Gathers died and I was shocked when it happened. Watching the medics patiently answer the media’s questions after watching Gathers collapse merely added to the tenseness I felt the night he died. However, displaying Gathers in the Milford Enquirer, one day in the Wal-Mart Lingerie section, the next day in the Ideal Chess Moves column, the next day in the Weather Report, was akin to how T-verse handled Radley after she died. She got elevated to sainthood by the time the summer sports season elapsed.

And even if Rodney doesn’t croak, and it’s now a safe bet he won’t, we still have to go back in the gym and Luke play “What-Me Worry?”. Oh sorry, Gil, I hope Rodney is okay. I only told my player to viciously crash into him and take out his teeth and gouge his eyeballs and use a 2 x 4 to damage his abdomen and bite off his ears and pull his hair. But I never instructed him to hit below the belt. I have an Honor Code, y’know. I’ll bench any player who cheats while he’s playing dirty. Another Life Lesson in the works.

Therefore, I hope and pray that this is just a temporary setback. And that it won’t last longer than Fred & Wilma’s Boring Adventure. But I may have answered my own question.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kim: ‘I Did Not Tell Any Valley Tech Player To Commit A Flagrant Foul!!!!!!!!!!’”

sub headline

“You’ll have to ask Coach Luke if he felt the same way.”

“…Come on, Fred, the bed’s too big without you.”

“Wilma, I didn’t know The Police were in the program. Are they playing before or after ‘Them Muddy Boots’?…”

It looks like Rodney is dressed for the occasion. The gas mask is inserted so in case Gil ate too much concession stand chili…

Glad to see Rodney is not in any danger and they didn’t have to rip his uniform off. Oh, I forgot, that’s when they embalm him. But he’s not dead (yet) . Darn, he’ll still have to sign the waiver forms and say they can stick an emery board in his mouth and inject needles in his butt. I was really expecting them to spread the blanket sheet over the rigor mortis. Luke, you’ll have to do better.

Filler Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Basketball Game To Resume After Long Powwow With Milford Emergency Medical Staff!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Thorp Spokesperson: ‘The EMT left a beeper number for the doctor-on-call should any further unfortunate events occur during the course of the game.’”

At the Glenwood Rex Is MIA On This Cruiseline cruiseline

“…I’m sure Hank Williams will be up on stage anytime now. It was Mud that was found dead in that vehicle on New Year’s Eve, Wilma.”

“But Fred, that has to be Mud even if he looks like Ringo Starr in dire need of Ultra Slim-Fast. I’m almost sure of it…”

If ya blindside a deer because ya really want to take it out especially cuz ya can’t cash yore welfare check until this Friday, ya might be a redneck.

SLAM!!!!!!!! Dang, that’s really what they should have done several months ago. It took a low-wage-earning EMT to drive home a point we have been clamoring for since the wheel was invented? And watching Gil observe the inevitable. Priceless. Now go back in and kiss and make up with Luke. Or broadside him, I’m easy. God knows, we’ve been left hanging with Gil & Luke and/or Fred & Wilma. What’s another three weeks before we arrive in May?

Gang, while we’re waiting for Gil & Luke to ticket-scalp Fred & Wilma at The Trammps’ Disco Inferno on Glenwood Cruiselines, I am an authorized agent to administer The Milford Men’s Clinic Personalized ED Questionnaire. Now this will only take a few minutes so if you have to pee, use the nearest coffee cup to aid in disposal of personal wastes.

This questionnaire is designed to pinpoint problems you are encountering in your sexual career and is therefore meant to consequently find solutions to these sexual bugbears. Good luck and use a #2 pencil, please.

1) How do you want to improve your sex life?

A) Stronger erections

B) Longer sex life

C) All of the above

This is a legitimate question. Some men are like Gil, they want to flash that diving board all over the swimming pool. Others are like Fred, they want to have sex with Wilma when they’re 97-years-old. You can’t be pooping out when you’re 91 and still call yourself a man. Fred, no need to run out of steam on the first lap, especially when Wilma used pinking shears to remove the lingerie.

Then some want to be Gil AND Fred. Jump off the diving board when you’re as old as Methuselah. Dirty old man doing a swan dive, now that’s the ticket. Fred personally likes doing the cannonball. Hey, we’re flexible here.

2) Do you want to skip waiting rooms and pharmacy lines?

A) Online please!!!

B) Doesn’t matter

It gets touchy here. If it’s Jed Clampett, it probably doesn’t matter whether the whole Ozark Mountain range knows it or Mr. Drysdale is privy to this as it shouldn’t affect how Jed and Mr. Drysdale transact business. Jed can still throw a few more Certificates of Deposits in his Escrow account if the oil business is running dry.

But does Fred dare don a shirt stating “Hey Mud!!!! I come up short with Wilma even at tea time!!!!!!!” Does Gil really want Bozo the Clown on a UPS box presenting the ED pills container with all the boys and girls surrounding him? Standing in line at Milford Pharmacy and explain to the old lady in front him what he’s picking up, even if his insurance will pick up the tab? I think not. It’s best to accommodate those who prefer not to broadcast on Radio Free Europe that Gil chokes when it’s time to perform and we’re not talking anywhere near his throat. Let Jed go over to Walton Mountain and brag about his ED problems with John-Boy, if it’ll make him feel any better.

3) Do you want your ED medicine shipped home in discreet packaging?

A) Yes, keep it private

B) Doesn’t matter

Now people like Wink Martindale are outgoing and outspoken and are fearless when it comes to the mailman delivering his ED prescriptions. Just throw them right in there with Guideposts and the Milford Gas & Electric bill and he’s a happy camper.

But Gil and Fred are more finicky. Why have Wilma be exposed to a package with Barney pumping Betty in bed right about where the stamp got cancelled? Oh, hey, Coach Kaz. Is that my Milford Men’s Clinic Powdered Drink Mix? How’d you know? You could see the label 30 feet away? And it flashed all the colors of the prism? Damn.

Diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks, from where I’m observing.

4) Are you new to ED treatment?

A) Yes

B) No

C) It depend on what my mood ring says

Some people like Ozzie Nelson are rookies in this business. Just because Ozzie went soft on Harriett doesn’t mean he can pick up a phone and order Domino’s delivery in 30 minutes or less. That’s why Milford Men’s Clinic has a 24-hour hotline to address your ED concerns with no embarrassing replies because you are a bit lost on how to best locate the pipe fitting. The hotline’s gotcha covered. Just call 1-800-AID-LIMP and they’ll guide ol’Ozzie through the saturnine times.

Then there’s Gil and Fred who are old pros at garden hoses that need more Latex when turning on the jet spray. They know that if they have ED problems, Beth the Bartender is not the person to see, for sexual malfunctions or when Fred gets bored with Wilma. They know one friendly chat with the secretary at the Clinic up front will open the doors to several options. No need to panic and attempt to sidestep Mimi for another week. All is in good hands and they know it.

I think that’s all we have time for. Keep checking the post office box at Milford Post Office for further details and tips.

Gang, thank you for your support. You amaze with your excellent confidence in my posts. I am nothing without you readers. God bless you all.

“…but Fred, the Ray Coniff Singers perform on Friday by the swimming pool.”

“Don’t lecture me on the music agenda!!!!! Wilma, I know when George Jones will be singing ‘Them Muddy Boots’. He and Mud will be singing that and ‘If Drinking Don’t Kill Me’ on the Sunday matinee…”

April 5, 2023

Everybody Wants Out

The basketball arc has gotten so random that the characters have started to have enough. Cami Ochoa didn’t sign on for this when she was promoted from super soph to coach, so she’s calling an Uber to get her the hell out of here. Even Rod has had enough and is faking his own death after the block (or was it a charge? Come on, ref, do your job!).

Credit where credit is due as Barajas pulls this twist out of an actual sporting event. Didn’t expect it to be last season’s Bengals-Bills MNF game* with Rod in the Damar Hamlin role, though.

Whatever the opposite of credit where credit is due for having Tobe attempt to come to Rod’s rescue. He’s already been Mary Sued** into a multi-sport star; now he knows CPR? One PE class lesson doesn’t make you an expert. Gil – or, more likely, Trainer Rick Scott*** – would have pulled Tobe off Rod like a tick.

The EMT (Gil, in a Marine flashback, calls him a medic) can tell Rod’s faking it and is taking his sweet time getting to the kid.

Tomorrow, a meteor hurtles toward the Jefferson gym.

*And no, I’m not linking to it. We’ve seen it enough.

**Mary Sued, that is, if Barajas had been an athlete.

***Anyone seen Trainer Rick Scott lately? Another victim of budget cuts?

April 3, 2023

We prefer cash or credit

Filed under: basketball, shadow figures — robmize2013 @ 8:49 pm

The game is on the line, and Lukes shadow figures are gassed. This is why you run laps in October before the season. Its all to prepare you for that moment in March (or April if you will) when the championship is on the line, and only the fittest, best, and strongest team will prevail as state champs. (Or whatever this is ) Conditioning is a season long process, and a lack of it will rear its ugly head when you need it the most. As well as not having a good and deep bench. A marathon season like the one we’ve watched for, oh, 3 1/2 months ( didnt football last til New Years Eve? Not quite – first basketball panel was December 27.)

Theyve actually played 9 games between January 4 and March 20, of course winning them all, but only 1 in February and 3 in 1 day on March 20. Normal high school teams will play about 30 games total, with a handful of holiday tourneys sandwiched in between non-conference and conference games, then about 8 playoff games if they get to the finals. This here – is nothing. One playoff game total.

And theyre bushed. Sheesh. I’d have em run laps too, … right out of the gym and into some other line of work.

This game started March 24, 8 strips ago. If the game was any slower they’d have Rob Manfred put in a pitch clock.

Yes defense wins games, but hey coach, how long did it take you to come up with that line? How about diagramming some plays like every other BB coach on the planet? All you can say is – Take a charge? My favorite stat in basketball is actually rebounding margin – when you get more rebounds of invariable missed shots, you either get second shots or you obtain possession for your offense by way of a defensive stop.

Stay tuned as this marathon nears its thrilling conclusion. Maybe by Friday we’ll have crowned a champion and I can write about something else.

Hopefully by then the teams will be rested.

April 1, 2023

Hrraaaking Up

Hrraaaking up
Only four minutes to go
Had enough
I can’t take any more
No shit
This seems so fake
This is unreal
Ain’t no sense it can make
Don’t know the players
Don’t know the score
Who’s playing? I don’t know!
Everybody all around me
Changin’ unis on the daily

I don’t think it’s funny no more

Hrraaaking up
Like a worn out shoe
On the
Foot of Leo A’ta’zhóón
He’d run
But he’d lose a piece
Tays laughed
But it’ messed with him, messed with him

They bought some Jammers, they brought Kareem
He made them runners
It’s like a bad dream
Everybody liftin’ weights
Makin’ money selling vapes

‘Cause I don’t think it’s funny no more

Then out of nowhere
An old reference
It comes upon us without warning
It’s a bone tossed to all us olds
I’m only hopin’ TWIM don’t fold
I’d take a knife to all these new strips
Paste them back together, see if I can make them make sens

I don’t think it’s funny no more
I don’t think it’s funny no more
Hrraaaking up
I don’t think it’s funny no more
Hrraaaking up
I don’t think it’s funny no more
Hrraaaking up
I don’t think it’s funny no more
Hrraaaking up
I don’t think it’s funny no more
Hrraaaking up

(apologies Nicholas Drain Lowe)

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