This Week in Milford

March 2, 2018

I smell a protest

Filed under: basketball, Marty Moon — robmize2013 @ 8:31 pm

So what appears to be happening is the girls basketball team will gather somewhat en masse at the next boys basketball game to chant “Marty Sucks!” or something of that nature. Led by Jadine, or perhaps the brunette big haired girl, they will sport signs, bugels, and other paraphanalia all in the name of stopping Marty from referring to Primo (remember that name from way back? Last month?) in a derogatory way, or so they think. Yeah now he goes by Jorge but whatever..

Here’s what I think: Hardly anybody gives a flying fuck what some dude on a local high school radio station says. High school kids these days havent listened to the radio more then 5 minutes a day since the Iphone became a thing. They have music streamed into their earbuds as they text away and Snapchat photos of the latest Justin Beiber sighting to each other before the latest Facebook update. Who’s got time to sit on a bed in your house and listen to a radio and do…. NOTHING ELSE???

I think we traveled this road before some years back when some new Milford athlete   had some fans dressed up with big hats of some kind in the stands and creating a ruckus at a road game. Need help with those details…

At least we have a storyline that isnt entirely populated by idiots; but its so unrealistic in this day and age to pull off a stunt like the one the girls are planning. And believe me, Marty wont change a bit. But the girls think otherwise. Stay tuned!!


March 1, 2018

¿Por qué Marty?


Ya know, Rubin could be selling this “Marty drops Mexican references into his broadcast to woo That New Mexican Restaurant as a sponsor” thing a little better if he wove the name drops into Marty’s play-by-play a little better. For example, Wednesday’s strip would’ve been more convincing if he had Marty say “Padilla earned his burritos with that one. He’ll love the burritos at Los Morenos – and you will too!” It’d work a little better still if his Mexican references were about things that people actually ate.

Between the bracelets, earrings, pissy faces, enormous freak hand, and use of the term “ease up,” P2 nearly achieves Peak Milford solely through its visuals.  What puts it over the top is the assumption that Paloma is using her tiny pack of Virginia Slims phone to dial up WDIG at night to complain about Marty rather than to light up social media (which, again, only Golden Child True Standish and his QB posse had any inkling of how to use). If this resembled reality in any way, shape or form, by the end of the game Marty would be subject to a tweetstorm of hurricane-like proportions. This arc would resemble reality a bit more closely if the Padilla sibs hadn’t assimilated so smoothly, too. Milford isn’t Amish country; it only seems that way sometimes.



February 28, 2018

Somehow, I Don’t Think This Is Helping Ad Sales

Filed under: actual action, basketball, Chunky Bracelets, freak hands, Gil Thorp — timbuys @ 11:21 am


So, you’re a manager or perhaps the owner of Los Morenos restaurant, the new (and probably only) Tex-Mex restaurant in Milford if you don’t count Taco Bell. You’ve been told by the incessant sales guy who only orders shots of bottom shelf tequila and eats a LOT of free chips and salsas to tune into the game. What’s going through your head in panel one?

Meanwhile, we get an interesting reaction shot in panel two as we see that Paloma has nearly fully assimilated into her new hometown, chunky bracelets, exploding eyeballs, freak hands and all.

Panel three has my full attention, although I’m not quite sure about number 31’s defensive technique there. Is he about to hammer Jorge* number 50 in the back of his neck with an elbow? It’s been a pretty chippy game from what we’ve seen so far.

Bonus points: I’m trying to decide what Whigham was going for on that logo in panel two. My guess?

Dove Icecream bar

Also, I like how Paloma is doing kind of a reverse Vulcan salute with her left hand.

* Further research (no, I don’t know what is wrong with me that I researched this) reveals that Jorge is number 33.

February 27, 2018

I’ve Been in the Station with a Man With No Name, It Felt Good to Just Soak in the Fame.

Filed under: actual action, basketball, big arms, Marty Moon, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 4:45 am


Aaaaaaaaaaaaa, your mother puts soy sauce on her refried beans!!!!!!! Boy, gang, that felt good. I am pumped like Marty to catapult some more mud at Georgie, The Dove(thank God she ran for cover to her tent in her backyard), Krusty’s niece, Ernie, and whoever else attempts to play King of the Hill on the playground at recess with the WDIG god himself, under the pretext of political correctness. So Jorge had nothing to do with this back-and-forth melee. Who cares? Mudslinging takes no prisoners.

I’m beating this in the ground, I realize but Anonymous Calculus Dude a/k/a Herb Tarlek (as duly noted by Ned, good one, BTW, I’d forgotten about WKRP and glad you brought it up) is beginning to worry me. He’s not just passing through, briefcase in hand, returning to Levittown on the planet Oblivion after conversing with a Thorpiverse main character, such as Marty Moon. No, he’s got his own coffee mug with the WDIG Good Housekeeping Seal IN HIS OWN OFFICE!!!!!!!!!! How’d he swing THAT by Marty? Usually they come out of the walls when the janitor’s closet is locked but noooooooooo, Herb is evidently livin’ large in his own corner of the world, with a view of the WDIG Hall of Fame on top of that.  What’s his secret? Are pinstripes and Gucci shoes on the horizon? Lexus for the company car? Don’t have to fill out a W-2 form every time he appears in the strip? Next thing ya know, he’ll have his own Mr. Coffee and won’t have to sneak a brew or two out of Marty’s office. The price of moving up in the corporate ladder. Things take time.

And you whippersnappers are in for a treat as Sister Mary Elephant returns to Milford. Let’s listen.

“Okay, classsss, classssss, be quiet, class, classsssss, SHUT UPPP!!!!!!!! Thank you. Okay, class, your homework assignment is   a 1000-word essay, ‘How I spent my weekend in my backyard’. I want it typed and double-spaced, 8 1/2 x 11 stenographic sheets, use good grammar and punctuation, due on Monday”

“Oh, no way, Sister. Man, all I ever do in my backyard is smoke reefers in my tent, eat Twinkies and Beanie Weenies, wash it down with a Yoo-hoo, and listen to Marty Moon run down all us Puerto Rican’s.  I mean, he’s a prick. You expect me to write 1000 words about that moron?”

“Now, claassssss, I know you got it in you. One of you might be the next Thackeray.”  “Say who???”


“Sister, I don’t know about this Jackie Ray or Jack a Train, or whatever, but if he’s like ol’ Marty, I’m gonna punch his lights out.”

“Now, claassssss, be creative, use some poetry, it doesn’t have to be cold writing. Show some feeling!!!!!!”

“Sister, I GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!! I GOT IT!!!!!!!!!

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Look out, Anonymous Calculus Dude

’cause I done peed on your shoes.”

And why do we have to have a basketball game, literally in the middle of the strip, when the Gladitorial stage of the mudslinging is just heating up? Do you pull the refried beans out of the microwave well before the beeper says “Done”? Why can’t we just skip it, heck, we’ve relegated basketball(football, baseball, lacrosse, hockey, etc.) to second class anyway, and just beeline to THE MAIN EVENT!!!!!!! C’mon, Thorpiverse, I was beginning to get interested and Jorge drives for a layup, of all things.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, your mother drives a Bueno Product truck when she’s on vacation to the Smokies!!!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!! Score another one!!!!!!!!!!!! If I get good enough, I’ll be on the Hall of Fame wall for sure, right between Herb and Marty. Mudslinging is not for the faint of heart. If you want to be on the porch with the big dogs, ya gotta suck it in.

If ya have had yore fill of the Krabmeat Enchilada and ya get the El Nopal Super-Size Doggie Bag ta take home ta feed yore bloodhounds, further validating the term “doggie bag”, and then proceed to sprinkle  some White Queso Sauce on yore Schlitz later on while watching Dallas in yore recliner chair, ya might be a redneck.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Moon in Hot Water over Gaffe with Milford El Nopal!!!!!!!!!!”

sub head line.

“What’s the big deal? I complained to the waiter that there was half a roach in the Quesadilla Fajita del Pollo and this jackass reporter in the next booth starts typing.”

My final (reluctantly speaking) installment in Black History Month is Arthur Crudup, a very talented Bluesman, noted for writing excellent Blues standards, such as “Mean Old ‘Frisco Blues'”, “So Glad You’re Mine”, “My Baby Left Me”, and “That’s All Right”. The last one was famously recorded by Elvis Presley and became a smash hit. I am angered and outraged that he did not get just financial compensation for his music. In fact, he wound up in later life working as a barge worker, all the while suing the companies that took him to the cleaners. He died in 1974, litigation still in the works. Please spread the word about a man who deserved better.  Love your music, Big Guy.

Racism can be eliminated when we realize we can’t do everything but we can do SOMETHING. If EVERYBODY would do SOMETHING, hate becomes a thing of the past. We can then look forward with hope.

Gang, it’s your turn. I’ll be reading some more “2000 More Insults” if you need me. Gotta stay sharp.

February 24, 2018

Goin’ to the Rack With Controlled Assertiveness. Now That’s Milford Basketball.

Filed under: actual action, basketball, huge earrings, Mimi Thorp, shadow figures — tdrewhardin @ 4:20 am



And Mimi, as billytheskink has insinuated, comes out of retirement to return the Mudlarks to the Glory Days!!! We can only hope that the Lady Mudlarks will build on this victory and personally bettin’ they can when Paloma is not engineering Sit-Down-Protest-of-the-Week. And, baby baby, I like her moves to the bucket. She’s got some Cheryl Miller in her. Never mind that a couple of Goshenites appear to have left their seeing-eye dogs in the locker room but we gotta start somewhere. So one Goshenite is completely out of position because her defensive stance is 180 degrees (give or take a few degrees) away from the person she was intending to guard (Paloma, for those of you keeping score). That’s Goshen’s problem. Since when do we educate our opponent on the proper technique especially if we’re just reading the strip and enjoy, along with our fellow Milfordites, the Christians getting fed to the lions, not to mention getting dunked on? Berrill, for eons, promoted Bacchanalian feasts of opponents being fodder for the bloodthirsty Mudlarks. Besides, Paloma got game.

Gee, if we can only stash this 2-out-of-3 basketball concept in a bottle and save it for later when Marty Moon gets nasty as I promise you he will because a few naive teenagers didn’t understand not to wake up a dormant snake. Don’t let him slither out of his snake hole at WDIG studios. And with Mr. Anonymous Calculus Dude who Moonlights as an Ad Salesman for the Station aiding and abetting in the crime, this could get ugly. You know it’s a bad omen when the Anonymous People are seen more than once.

“Hey, Marty, you forgot to flush the toilet again.”

“Sorry, Anonymous Calculus Dude. Hey, since you’re still in the strip, can I count on you for some mudslinging when I broadcast the Milford Girls Basketball game with New Thayer this Friday?”

“Sure. My wedding with Mrs. Anonymous Calculus Dudette is this Sunday and the rehearsal is on Saturday and I haven’t been written out of the script yet, so Fridays are free.”

“Super!!!!!!!! Here’s that ‘2000 More Insults’ I ordered from the Milford Book-of-the-Month Club. Pore it over and I want at least a hefty Manila folder of material a half hour before the tip.”

“Will do. BTW, I bought some Lysol and placed it on the commode lid.”

Well, anyway, we got a fist bump from Mimi. Maybe that’ll slow The Snake to a crawl. Fist bumps have a way of turning the tide in Thorpiverse. And the plot might get interesting. Wouldn’t that be something.

If ya buy a jalopy straight outta the Estado de Chihuahua and ya fix it up with dual exhausts, fix all the points and plugs, stick a 409 in it, purchase some expensive mags, instead of plain ol’ Bridgestones, with money you don’t have, then, as a coup-de-grace, proudly display yore Confederate flag decal on the front bumper at the Milford Car Show, ya might be a redneck.

If ya use the same tractor to haul illegals under the tarp of a trailer across the border as the one competin’ in the Milford Major-Modified Tractor Pull later that night, ya might be a redneck.

Today’s Black History Month entry is a long personal favorite of mine, Roberta Flack. She is the first, and still the only, solo artist to win Grammy Record of the Year 2 years in a row, “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” and “Killing Me Softly With His Song”. She has 3 #1 hits, the 2 just mentioned plus “Feel Like Makin’ Love”. She has gone on to do several collaborations with Donny Hathaway including “Where is the Love”. Robert Christgau, a well-respected critic, was not terribly kind in his remarks on her, basically saying she was essentially a Light Favorites fixture. I vehemently disagree as I have found her music to exhibit the complexity, depth, and soul needed to create beautiful music and still have a listening audience. Even those not a fan of her music will admit she has a shrewd ear for melody that keeps us coming back for more. Please spread the word about a very beautiful lady and another one VERY dear to my heart.

Gang, I’m bumping your fist because you’re the tops. Let’s see if we can get the Milford contingent to focus on BASKETBALL for once.

February 23, 2018

Paloma Padilla Speaks for All of Us…


… or, at least, for all of us who routinely call out the misogyny and Bechdel Test fails that are part and parcel of the Thorpiverse. Paloma’s teammates even recognize Milford’s a man’s man’s man’s world and are resigned to their fate, including the blonde with the soulless ey- AAAAAAH! MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP

I don’t expect Paloma to throw an elbow at Marty – we need Kenzie Hanley back to brk his jaw – but her little “hmmm” holds the promise of bigger things. I’m thinking maybe she pulls some strings to get Lady Mudlarks hoops livestreamed in Spanish and English on WHCC-TV and WHCC Deportes.

Once I saw today’s strip in B&W I knew I had to run with the color version to see whether Paloma would be wearing the Puerto Rican flag and not the Cuban one. Score one for the color monkeys! Now if only they’d resist the urge to color Milford’s white uniforms red.

metapost: I think my post title yesterday may have gone over a few heads. It was a play on the phrase tener cojones. Lo siento.

February 21, 2018

So, Did Marty Roll His Double RR’s?


Panel One: That elbow from Oakwood #5 coulda just as easily been called the other way.

Panel Two: Marty is a real jerk.

Panel Three: I mean, seriously, just a true jerk.

Minus points: Nice mug, Karina. Did you buy it online using your |||| brand laptop?

February 20, 2018

She’s So Hiigghhhhh, High Above Me, She’s So Lovely, She’s So…

Filed under: basketball, Coach Kaz — tdrewhardin @ 4:47 am



“The Dove hit the ground again. We’ll have to do another take, Gary.”

“Daggone it!!!!!!!!! Can anybody around here make wings that’ll actualy fly??? Go see if she’s OK.”

“Oh, we got plenty of padding. The Mudlark wrestling team is at a tournament in West Falls this weekend so we’re using all their mats. She should be fine.”

Well, ya gotta have Plan B. What if Uncle Gary WON the standoff with Rick’s dad??? Naturally, in the Thorpiverse, the script calls for Snidely Whiplash to hit the road, Jack, after Sniddles has dragged everybody through the mud, including the readers, for God-only-knows-how-many endless, pointless months. And the script proved correct. BUT, in coaching sports, I learned to expect the unexpected. I had the reserve script ready.

Wow, gang, you know the doggie doo is hitting the fan when our leading characters for this plot metamorphose into silhouettes. Sure-fire indicator the plot is thickening. Fireside chats are usually drawn out, pimples and all. Hitchcock Theater couldn’t mastermind this any better. I don’t think ANYBODY is really fixated on Mr. T and his teammates headin’ to the jump circle for the opening tip though I will never understand why objects further away from the matter on the present table are clearly drawn out but the price you pay if you want the Nielsen Ratings to remain strong which, I reckon, is how Hitchcock went from a draftsman at Milford High to hosting his own show. Horatio Alger couldn’t rise to the top any better. Anyway, let’s peep in on the conversation

“…like Cleopatra, Mimi Thorp, or Aphrodite/ do do, DO, DO…”

Oops, I got MTV by mistake. Let’s try this again

“Hey, Mr. T got a haircut!!!!! I like it!!!”

“Yeah, he says the Mohawk was getting in his face. Got tired of brushing it away and hair getting tangled up in his earrings.”

“And he can find his way to the jump circle!!!!!! Well, anyway, you tell that no-good slime of a broadcaster, ol’ DIGGY-poo, that you got your pride, Federico.”

“Fine. Now if you don’t mind, Coach Kaz is throwing down his Le Tigre jacket. I think I better strap on my Game Face.”

“Hey, did they move the basketball goal again?”

“Yeah, there was a water leak by the 3-point line and the Milford Sewer Department had to rope off the area. Paloma, PUH-LEASE, it’s showtime.”

P3 courtside perspective was undoubtedly the inspiration for “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”(basketball goal practically straight down the hallway?). Unless the Milford bench is situated at the half court line. Checking into the game oughta be fun. Heck, you’re already on the court. Why bother with the scorekeeping official. Still, you got your choice here, gang, although I’ll gladly accept write-in votes.

“She bitches endlessly/She cussed and railed at me

Unfurled my masculinity

I hope that I can check in and tune her out when I’m on the court

She can get on your nerves and annoy you like a 3-day wart, a wart, A WART


If yore name has a Spanish flavor to it and consequently, while being listed on the roster, takes up 1/3 of the program with all the “del’s” and “de la’s” but the play-by-play announcer still just calls ya “Bubba” when calling the game, ya might be a redneck.

“…like Cleopatra, Krusty’s niece, or Aphrodite/do do DO DO…”

Heard on the radio while driving on the Milford Turnpike

“And that ends the 3rd quarter as Milford has put on an 8-2 run, courtesy of a couple of Bubba Padilla putbacks, to extend the lead to 15, and after 3, it’s Milford, 57, and Oakwood, 42. We’ll be right back after this commercial break. You’re listening to exciting Mudlark Basketball on WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Here’s what Coach Shaw had to say about our clinic:

‘My doctor told me there was nothing I could do about my erectile dysfunction. I told my wife and she was supportive but deep down I knew she was disappointed. I felt less of a man. I was embarrassed!!!!!! And the players on the football team, after practice was over, would ask me if I was OK. I guess I looked pretty bummed out. But what do you tell a 16-year-old linebacker? The truth? Then I saw the Milford Men’s Clinic across the mall while I was slurping my raspberry yogurt in a booth at Orange Julius. I decided to give it a try. What did I have to lose but my sex life? I could still cameo from season to season depending on where Gil needed me, if nothing else. I’m glad I walked in. Now my wife and I have restored our intimacy. I have eliminated my ED and have been restored back in good standing at the Milford Holiday Inn.’

Thousands upon thousands have engaged in the plan and have recovered their dignity as well as their desire. If Coach Shaw can walk out a new macho stud, you can too!!!!!!!!! Call today!!!!!!!! 1-800-SEX-GOOD or you can stop by our clinic in the Milford Mall and set up a free consultation. You can also visit us online at You have nothing to lose but a whole more to gain!!!!!”

Today’s Black History Month person is Ronnie Mack. He was a songwriter and producer back in the early ’60’s. He somewhat paralleled Eddie Rabbitt as both were talented but wet-behind-the ears musicians and songwriters. Ronnie wrote “Puppy Love”(although not the Paul Anka version, the more popular one) while Eddie wrote “Kentucky Rain”, both sold for a song and a dance, the latter bought, loosely speaking, from Colonel Tom Parker(DON’T get me started on Parker’s ruthlessness) for Elvis to sing. Both Ronnie and Eddie got wise to the game, Eddie having a productive career with songs like “I Love a Rainy Night”, “Drivin’ My Life Away”, and “Every Which Way But Loose”. Ronnie went on to produce and write songs for The Chiffons, including the smash hit “He’s So Fine” and also wrote songs for The Tokens who had earlier fame with “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”. Tragically, Ronnie died of cancer in 1963 and a VERY productive career was cruelly cut short. The songwriting team of Lamont Dozier, Eddie Holland, and Brian Holland, Motown heavyweights in the ’60’s with hits such as “Stop! In the Name of Love”, wrote a song about Ronnie, entitled “Jimmy Mack”, performed by Martha and The Vandellas. Oh, Jimmy Mack, when are you comin’ back indeed. Please spread the word about a man who deserved more and is VERY dear to my heart.

Gang, it’s your turn. Got any questions or comments, I’ll be on the other end, away from The Dove. I get a sick gut feeling she has more on her plate with a one Marty Moon.

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