This Week in Milford

May 10, 2018

You’re Out of Order, Bader!

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The Mets got busted for batting out of order yesterday and the Twittersphere had fun with it.

Screenshot-2018-5-10 Dyllmonger on Twitter

What’s Gil’s excuse? His lineup card reads 1-2-x-x-6-7-8-9-10. Let’s zoom in on it:

510lineupcard

Most of these guys are Milford’s usual suspects:

1. Mike Filion was the Mudlark’s undersized QB last fall

2. Barry Bader, well, you know him. Still showing zero signs of maturation

x. Andre Ruffin knows how to host a party

x. Pete DeWindt has been here since, like, forever

6. The same could be said for Paul Beaudry

7. Pelwecki has long worn out his welcome. His Rosie the Riveter pose pales in comparison to Lucky Haskins’ but he’s feeling it*

8. Jorge Padilla, like his MLB namesake, is an outfielder (or some new position, CH). We’ll find out if that skinny kid can jump and rob hitters of homers

9. We get the classic name Hiawatha James and it’s the only one Whigham can’t write out? Lazy!

10. Larry Arroyo was introduced to us as a non-Pelwecki sub for Barry Bader but now he’s a pitcher third baseman – that is, if he’s the same guy

May River has to be a long ride from Milford; maybe that’s why Gil’s lineup card is so wonky. Bluffton (home of May River High) has become known in recent years as an affordable alternative to nearby Beaufort and Charleston for Yankee retirees. Maybe Mr. Bakst or some other Milfordians have moved there and will form a home away from home crowd for the Mudlarks. Play ball!

*Note Pelwecki is written in at DH, but no pitcher is named; Arroyo, batting last, is at 3B (oops – teenchy)

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May 8, 2018

Give me 40 acres and I’ll turn this plot around

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She’s back!!!!! Marjie Ducie is back to prime the pump then, like any catalyst, disappears into thin air while the final product sputters to the finish line. Well this time, she learned some valuable pitching lessons that she can take back to her other dimension. Really, once she reaches the end of the Time Tunnel, she can race over to Yankee Stadium (hey, they love baseball in other dimensions too) and ply her trade. Yup, that changeup oughta complement her cut fastball, curve, and forkball. Keep ’em offstride, Marjie. Be sure those Ultra-dimension batters won’t know what’s comin’ next. Because once they got you timed, they start hittin’ ’em back in Gil’s World. Wise to add another pitch to your repertoire.

And I took algebra in high school. I barely remember the Transitive Property but still, who says you won’t need this stuff in real life? Without my caring teacher patiently explaining this principle, it’d be days before I’d put 2 & 2 together and come up with 5′ 8″. No wild guesses needed. I could patiently work through the problem and apply it to a real life scenario (hmmm, this is Thorpiverse, oh, just work with me). Thanks, Teach!!!!! You’ve equipped me to slay the dragons.

And what the hell does height differential have to do with what Pitch is being thrown which I wouldn’t be terribly surprised Thorpiverse is implying? Sure, impress us with your baseball knowledge, Thorpiverse, and hope to God we don’t put 2 & 2 together and come up with 5’8″ that it’s all smoke and mirrors. Okay, Gil, I’ll concede Mudlark Baseball is in real trouble if Van Auken attempts to pitch a knuckleball to a catcher who’s 3’5″. Passed balls all game long because this catcher had no vertical leap and Oakwood is up, 10-0, before the crow flies. So go ahead and wow us with height differential, Gil. Even if it really has nothing to do with your discussing the battery, we’ll play along. CYA, Coach.

Anyway, I’ve got some Dave Dudley on tap while Gil and Marjie sit at the bleachers going over late-game situations.

Ridin’ on this plotline

Trapped in a hamster’s cage

I feel like Dennis Weaver

Chased down by a psycho’s rage

Wish I could shake that truck right

Down the cliff and out of sight

6 months of this plot

and I’m-a gonna go berserk tonight

BTW, I realize, by my count, 6 months from now leads into November. 6 weeks might have been more realistic. But by the end of June, this plot is over(don’t hold your breath) and we have filler space to fill with what? More Marty time at the Milford Lounge? Nah, drag this one out ad astra and hope for the best. Maybe something’ll kick in and make sense and we’ll get off this Wheel and reach Nirvana. We’ll have overlapped to football by then.

Gang, I don’t know WHAT I did to deserve this. Do I need to change religions? Was it because I slept in and missed Sunday School last week? Put S & H Green Stamps in the offering plate? Used the F-word in the Benediction Prayer? Well, I’ll admit the last one probably explains why I’m hopelessly riding in this semi, not knowing who the driver is, the Hand of Fate having drawn a curtain between me and whoever’s behind the steering wheel. I’m stuck in this Freightliner headin’ down this endless black ribbon and I have no clue where the heck it’s going. And to add insult to injury, we’re recycling characters from the past (Moose, Daffy Duck, BB) as if regurgitating them will improve the product, or the plot. Oh, that’s right, dig that lamp you threw out on Trash Day from the Milford City Dump, take it home, put in the den, plug it in and see if it’ll help you read when you’re scoping the racing forms in order to bet on the winning horse. Kentucky Derby was founded on said principles.

Nice view of the Rocky Mountains, if nothing else. Is that Pike’s Peak?

Comin’ into Milford

Steering this plot into HellThe trailer’s runnin’ empty

And Daffy Duck’s not writing so well

The story’s bad and nobody cares

The Trumpet’s gettin’ itchy and scared

6 months of this plot

and I’m-a gonna lose my mind tonight

Here I am at the Milford Truck Stop. I heard the 3-Piece Fried Chicken Special is to die for. You get 2 breasts and a wing plus 2 sides and you don’t gotta worry about your Visa card maxing out. Omigod, Jay Bhatia wouldn’t show up at a greasy spoon and report my credit woes to The Trumpet, would he? Would he stoop that low? I did call the Milford Credit Bureau and got a forbearance for a couple of months, so there, Jay, print that in The Trumpet and smoke it. Anyway, drinks are extra. And I think I’ll have the breaded okra and macaroni & cheese. By God, breaded okra will put hair on your chest and help you swing the bat better. And all that grease from the chicken breasts? I think Moose applied a healthy dose to his hair. Otherwise, the rest was donated to the Milford Pantry.

Jay’s pumpin’ information

Trying to get the scoop of his life

Thank God he never caught wind

That Gil was cheatin’ on his wife

Hold the door and let this thing fly

Kiss off Barry Bader goodbye

6 months of this plot

and I’m-a gonna pull my hair tonight

Gang, since Marty’s been suspended, SOMEBODY has to take his place. I’ve been watching the Mudlarks on the portable TV in the cab while gettin’ my kicks on Route 66. I just heard Hawk Harrelson the other day:

“Daffy Duck, SHE GONE!!!!!!!! And after 6 innings, the  White Sox lead the Mudlarks, 7-1. We’ll take a commercial break, this is Chicago White Sox Baseball on WGN.”

“Coach Thorp was in disarray as to what diamond ring to buy Mimi before he got married. He was caught in the black market and all he got for his efforts was a swirlie. I was helpless to bail him out. Hi, I’m Sid Andrews, owner of the Milford Diamond Company. If my last name sounds familiar, yes, my brother is Tod Andrews, now coaching all the Oakwood teams, including the rowing team. And let me row you into something that will last a lifetime, a diamond with all the bells and whistles that tells that Special Someone “It’s forever, Love”. When I saw Gil trying to exchange his Marine Discharge Papers for a wedding ring at the Milford Pawn Shop, I threw him a lifeline and got him out to the shopping center parking lot. We put the Discharge Papers under the seat cushion in his car. Thank our lucky stars his Papers were not authorized by a Notary Public or the sale would be final and Gil would be stuck with a stone that got excavated out of Shaft #2 at the Milford Mines. Coal does not bode well at the wedding ceremony. “With this ring…” takes on an entirely different meaning. Fortunately, I showed Gil a wide selection of hand-crafted, sparkling diamonds in many carats and visual claritys, all designed to stay within a teacher-coach’s salary. The friendly staff at Milford Diamond Company knew that Gil hasn’t had a real job in 60 years and odds are, probably never will. Our staff was OK with that. Because they are not working on a commission, they didn’t have to tell Coach Thorp to get a life. A .29 carat, S12 visual clarity diamond ring was shipped FedEx right at Gil’s doorstep, several days before the wedding. Gil did not have to take out another loan and strain his credit plus his Discharge Papers are back in the safe deposit box at Milford Federal. We even paid for the shipping. Everybody was happy.

The Milford Diamond Company. Now Gil has a friend in the diamond business.”

We’re tryin’ to dodge the smokies

Marty’s learning on the job

No Class A license with him

My heart is really starting to throb

He took out an oil tanker rig

Can’t wait till he goes back to ‘DIG

6 days of Marty Moon

and I’m-a doubtin’ I’ll be home tonight

“Harrrrry Carrray, back in Wrigley Field, where the Cubsh are clinging to a 4-3 lead over the Mudlarksh, top of the 8th inning. Here’s Hiawatha Jamesh, the casher, who’s batting .319. Boy, keep thish cookie off the bashes. Say hello to Fred and Marge who are lishining in on KRNT in Des Moines, Iowa, lifelong Cubsh fansh for 35 yearsh. Theresh a pitch, high and away, 1-0.”

“Harry, an interesting stat on Hiawatha James, he hits left-handers a ton, batting .453, and .410 in the daytime. Steve Trout needs to be careful here, Hiawatha can turn on a pitch and with that wind blowing out, he can certainly send one out to Waveland Avenue in a hurry.”

“Boy, Steve, at least Marty didn’t have problemsh with cigar shmoke. Can you put that thing in your pocket? Only the plot shmellsh worsh.”

“Harry, you’re up to your 8th Bud now. How you can smell ANYTHING, let alone this plot, is beyond my comprehension.”

I’d like to put in a word for The Bookworm in Corydon, Indiana. Great people who keep my humor going because I buy a lot of books from them and those books feed me comedy ideas. Being a Western buff, they have an excellent selection of Louis L’Amour works. Hey, That keeps ME coming back for more. If you’re in the neighborhood, check them out. Believe me, it’s great to get some great stuff and people know your name. I’ve been a fan of small businesses forever because, let’s face it, gang, they make the Face of America. The Bookworm is certainly part of that Face.

Okay, gang, it’s your turn. I’m riding into St. Louis where the semi will stop at a terminal and unload this plot. That’ll take forever so I’m here in the Gateway Arch. I’ll be down the chute in about, oh, 3-4 hours if anything interesting develops. Uhhhhh, er, Busch Stadium looks terrific from here.

Arriving in St. Louis

Wishing for this thing to end

Things are getting hopeless

Nothing comin’ ’round the bend

Baseball plot is fixin’ to start

Hope it don’t stink up and fart

6 months of this plot

and I’m-a gonna jump the bridge tonight

Gang, are you in for a treat!!!!! With MAJOR help from timbuys, I just made this post even cheaper and gaudier with this video. Now the music buff in me, I will confess, likes the song and its singer, Dave Dudley. But if we’re burning this plot at the stake, I couldn’t think of a more honky-tonk tune to aid and abet in the cause. This plot’ll be reduced to ashes by midnight tonight, thanks to Mr. Dudley and his crew(gaunt-sounding background singers thrown in for free). And if you look closely, the ghostly looking tanker that was chasing Dennis Weaver all over Milford in the movie “Duel”(I believe Steven Spielberg’s 1st flick) is in this video. You guys have SKEWERED Coach T. and Co. all day. You deserve to be rewarded. Enjoy!!!!

May 1, 2018

Today’s entry was a toss-up between “A Charlie Brown Padilla Special” on the Hallmark Channel or Moose’s “Getting It On The Green” on ESPN3.

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Gang, I don’t know about you, but I’ve HAD ENOUGH of the Padillas. AND Moose while I’m on a rant ‘n’ rave. It’s bad enough that Charlie Brown Padilla née Jorge really wasn’t a factor in the last plot although you wouldn’t know it when he was a cause celebre via the Milford Pirate Network. Now he’s sticking his nose into other Specials, y’know, Halloween Special, Christmas Special, President’s Day Special, well, you get the General Idea. Moose isn’t any better but I’m goin’ generic here. Ya gotta admit Charlie Brown Moose is kinda awkward. Ok, Charlie Brown Pelwicki could pass but what if the producer is dyslexic and we’re stuck with Charlie Pelwicki Brown? Charlie Moose Brown? Lucy Padilla would have a cow. Therefore, Charlie Brown Padilla it is. And as long as he is confined to the area where you hear Vince Guaraldi’s “Linus & Lucy” throughout the Special, okay, I’ll swallow it and stay tuned for Batman’s “Earth Day Special”. But I swear if I see Charlie Brown Padilla in the Batcave punching information on the Batcomputer to try to locate The Joker’s hideout in a desperate attempt to keep him from bombing Gotham City with raw sewage out of SEVERAL C-130’s (keep in mind, we’re talking a Special related to Earth Day), I’m switching the channel to Gunsmoke (tune in tonight for a Special 2-Hour Earth Day episode when Matt Dillon battles The Dalton Gang when they are caught dead to rights pissing indiscriminately in Cripple Creek). Moose displaying his batting technique on “Perry Como’s Christmas Extravaganza for the Ages-Live in Branson, Missouri at House of Como”? Better be good.

And while Moose’s Rise to the Majors with a 9-Iron is still fresh in my mind, it seems the plotline gods are desperately trying to make up for Moose’s disappearance in last Fall’s scenario by encouraging his latest venture, somewhat reckless though it may be. Gonna be up front with you, gang, right off the bat (no pun intended). After working with hitters in Babe Ruth League Baseball and seeing some be successful at the high school level, I have no clue what Moose is talking about. And I humbly say that cuz I realize players make coaches, not the other way around. The players made me, trust me.

So that out of the way, if Moose is going to climb back up where he dropped off the Grand Tetons back in football season, he should at least have the common decency to swing the bat better if he wants to avoid the sand traps, as in P1. Those hazards could be killers when going for extra bases. Don’t swing for the fences only to wind up in the pond, Moose. And watch the alligators. They’ve been known to feast on aluminum bats. Furthermore, too many ball drops and not only will you get penalized a stroke, the batting average is going to suffer. Price you pay for going yard.

And as John S., Jive Turkey, et al, have mentioned, Gil’s coaching has been sparse (again, trying to be nice). So when he has a chance to make up for lost time as in P2, he falters by giving Moose tips on how to survive the Mudlark USSSA Modified Slo-Pitch Tournament this weekend at the Milford Softball Complex. Sure, Moose, that’s a sure-fire way to keep from popping up to the 3rd baseman. Oh, here, you’ll need to give the Tournament Director this Red Dot.

Right before “James Brown: Live at The Apollo ’68” Special is about to commence

“Bootsy, what’s that bald-headed honky with the funny-striped shirt doin’ talkin’ to our bass player?”

“I don’t know, James, but we’re too late to do anything. Just do your best struttin’ while we rip into “Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag”. It’s a bit dark on stage, maybe the brothers and sisters in the audience won’t notice.”

CAN I TAKE IT TO THE BRIDGE!!!!!!!!!!

YEAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

CAN I TAKE IT TO THE BRIDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAN I TAKE IT TO-

Charlie Brown Padilla is escorted exit left by the Boston Police. Yeah, I think James Brown (don’t get me started, gang, LOVE The Godfather of Soul) does it better.

And you whippersnappers and long-suffering Moody Blues fans are in for a treat. Because this plot is ALREADY getting on my nerves and with the recent induction of the Moody Blues into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (about damn time), I thought I’d kill 2 Padillas plus a Moose with 1 stone.  From their album “The Present”, sung to the tune ‘Sorry’, take ‘er away, Ray Thomas (flutist on “Nights in White Satin”, saxophonist on “I’m Just a Singer (in a Rock ‘n’ Roll Band)”, BTW)

Just hope that they leave

I’m glutted of their presence

Just maybe Snuffy Smith

Will brook their adolescence

I am willing to trade

Their butts for Hi & Lois

They’re grating my nerves

This plot’s in reverse

Soon it’ll swerve

My sanity’s left out to dry

for the last time

I’ll tell you up front, DAMN STRAIGHT,

it’s for the last time

Wayward Mudlark Runaround People-Ramble

Wayward Mudlark Runaround People-Wear the plot thin

Pointless-a word that’s aptly used to sum up what’s going down

Pointless is the way they steer this frickin’ bumper car into the ground

Do we dare pursue a whim

They’re laying useless BS on us

I can smell it across the gym

The odors shot from their lips

With them it always did

I think we’re hanging Marty Moon

for the last time

Padillas and Moose skip town

vamoose for all time

(The London Philharmonic Orchestra, Vienna Boys Choir, Milford Pirate Network cheering section, John Lodge, Justin Hayward (keep in mind, Graeme Edge is on drums, unable to stand in choral pews), the parrot contributing the falsetto voice, and 10,000 angels join Ray)

Wayward Mudlark Runaround People-stink

Wayward Mudlark Runaround People-bite the big one

Pointless-we’ll never see the light of day in this plot for fools

Pointless is the way they go from A to Z through a broken slide rule

Wayward Mudlark Runaround People, whoa, Nelly, if I keep this going, I’ll become one of them. No sense in winning the lead role in The Myth of Sisyphus.

If ya smuggle yore Falls City Beer across the border because ya don’t feel like paying duty on the merchandise at hand, stashin’ it under the steering column but later discover it’s the wrong country but find out it’s just as fun ta git rowdy and drunk with the Eskimos, ya might be a redneck.

A scene on the Ken Burns’ Jazz Special

“…Flat Foot Floogie with the Floy, Floy

Flat Foot Floogie with the Floy Floy

Floy-doy, Floy-doy, Floy-doy, Floy-doy

When you’re feelin’ low-down

You don’t know what to do

And you wanna show-down

It’s The Dance, The Dance, The Dance to doooooooooooooo

THAT’S IT, MCVOUTIE BROWNIE PADILLAROONI, NOW YOU ROLLIN’ LIKE A TRUE VOUT-A-HIPSTER, ISN’T HE, TINY? OH, YOU’RE STEPPIN’ SO VOUT-A-REENIE!!!!!!!!!!! WELL, ALL REET, YARDBIRD-A-REENO, TAKE THE NEXT CHORD BEFORE YOU CUT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The world of Slim Gaillard (see James Brown Godfather comment) was forever altered that night at the Milford Jazz Club.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Charlie Brown Padilla in ICU at Milford General Hospital, Requires 42 Stitches in his Cheeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Overextended himself trying to play ‘Ool-Ya-Koo’ on ‘Tribute to Dizzy Gillespie.”

Speaking of Ray Thomas, I sadly announce his passing. His rapport with the crowd when I saw MB in concert was fantastic. He really knew how to work the crowd at Mesker Outdoor Amphitheater in the Ohio Valley humidity with that heavy British accent. He was an excellent jack-of-all-trades, playing many instruments (as previously mentioned) and contributing many songs, all with an excellent cherubic feel to them. I miss you, Ray. RIP, My Man.

I would like to break a rule and extend Black History Month by expressing my UTTER JOY over the induction of Nina Simone into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Guys, what were you THINKING? I VERY reluctantly set aside my anger at the crock of justice to note that she had an impressive resume, “Silk & Soul” her calling card that bowled over the critics many times over. She also wowed the crowd with “My Baby Just Cares For Me” and “Young, Gifted and Black”. She ran the gamut from Soul to R & B to Jazz to Rock and Roll and could transition them quite deftly. A Civil Rights activist, arguably to the bitter end (who could blame her?), she lived in France for the remainder of her life. But her influence was felt worldwide and still is. As Justin Hayward, guitarist for the Moody Blues, said during his acceptance speech at the R & R HOF Induction, “Nina Simone showed us how it should be done.” I knew I loved your music for a reason, Justin. Please join me in saluting a worthy member into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and PLEASE spread her name. She deserves it.

Gang, fire away. I don’t think Moose’s buddies are sold on his concept. Maybe if kept his elbow up when he teed off on Dog Leg Right at #13, par 5, at the Milford Golf Course, oh, never mind.

April 28, 2018

The Secret Pelwecki’s Other Balls

Filed under: actual action, baseball, big arms, Boredom in Milford, Gil Thorp, lame jokes — teenchy @ 11:59 am

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Well I guess it’s a good thing we had yesterday’s strip to get us all speculative and stuff. Today it’s just more of The Secret Pelwecki, desperate for stardom when he’s not trying to be the fifth-string quarterback/fullback/astronaut/whatever. Why do I get the feeling that every other arc for the next several years will feature Pelwecki as a red herring, trying and failing at every new thing he hears about?

There’s really nothing else to say about this, except that I’m always mildly surprised to see Milford athletes practicing in what look like game uniforms. Nice day here for once; think I’m gonna go outside and enjoy it while I can. I suggest you do the same if you can.

March 13, 2018

Who calls Assistant Coach Kaz, “Daddy-O”

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Fe Fe Fi Fi Fo Fo Fum

Marty got run from the gymnasium

That Marty Moon

That Marty Moon

He’s a loon

That Marty Moon

He’s gonna get tough. Just you wait and see

Why is everybody always pickin’ on me?

BOOMBOOMBOOM

Who’s always ripping all the teams to shreds?

Who’s got the personality of Mr. Ed?

That Marty Moon

That Marty Moon

He’s a goon

That Marty Moon

He’ll avenge The Dove.  Just you wait and see

Why is everybody always pickin’ on me?

BOOMBOOMBOOM

He broadcasts all the ball games foaming bile

Even if the ‘Larks win by a mile

His enemies pile up and gather ’round

AND POINT AT HIM

MAR-TEEN?

YEAH YOU!!!!!!!!!

(Milford cheering section in unison, led by Mimi Thorp and Karina Klown)

BOOMBOOMBOOM

Who’s calling Coach Thorp impotent and slow?

Who is a vulture on the radio?

That Marty Moon

That Marty Moon

Come back soon

Oh Marty Moon

He’s gonna call your bluff.  Just you wait and see

Why is EVERYBODY always pickin’ on me?

The final BOOMBOOMBOOM can be heard fading into the sewer while Marty races like Dale Earnhardt to WDIG studios, fumbles with his keys to open the door, the Milford Courthouse clock showing 1:15AM, never too early for a muckraker to type a rough draft on his radio screed but too late to catch the other Marty heading back to 1955 due to BOOMBOOMBOOMS from the flux capacitor. A lot of BOOMBOOMBOOMS with his typewriter. From Marty MOON, not McFly, so that we’re clear on things.

Gang, it was toss-up between “Daddy-O” and “Who calls ol’ Doctor Pearl, Mommy-O”. I hope I made the right call.

Wow, gang, I don’t know about you but I think Karina and Paloma dropped one bomb too many over Pearl Harbor (no pun intended). They have aroused a sleeping giant who really never sleeps based upon his arrogance and abrasiveness but what’s a blog without the obligatory cliche, right? The point is, we’re in for some more mud-slinging for the next 2 months (oh boy oh boy). Only the hog-rassling event at the Milford County Fair offers more but that’s only for a day or two. At least in the latter the winner will get a blue ribbon. But wouldn’t you know it, there’s Gil to save the day. As Jive Turkey has noted on a couple of occasions, Gil has been non-existent, especially on this issue. And the extent of Daddy-O’s coaching has been to remind HOR-HAY that there’s a game in front of the Puerto Rican Huckleberry Hound. Not a lot of cool points being dished out. STILL, sure as the mutant poplars grow out of the evergreens like the ones in the background in P1 and shed their antlers(I DID check the definition for “deciduous”, goody me!!!!), Gil HAS drawn a bead on this one after sleeping in his coffin for centuries. That explains why Marty is TOTALLY out of character in P3, continuing his ring-kissing(or maybe the kissing of Gil’s, well, never mind). Gang, I’ll keep saying it. ANYBODY thinking Marty is going to go to the altar and repent better think again. There’s been plenty of Thorpiverse neophytes who had a Euraka!!!!! moment, exclaiming to their friends down at The Bucket “Marty has found Jesus!!!!!!” The Thorpiverse veteran in the corner booth of the same venue orders the Triple Layer Nacho Bandito Supreme because he knows better. They’ve seen Judas turn over a new leaf before only to wind up back in his WDIG office saying “Vengeance is mine, saith The Moon”. Nice set of encyclopedias in P3, Gil, BTW.

If ya lay a Yorkshire flat on its back in yore Hanes imported from the factory in Tijuana and all ya git fer yore troubles is a cream pie, a sombrero and mud enemas, ya might be a redneck.

“What the-                                                              ”

Can I help you?”

“Yeah, I’m looking for Coach Thorp. Did they move his office?”

“This has been the boiler room for years. WHO did you say you were looking for?”

“Coach Gil Thorp.”

“Never heard of him. You sure you’re in the right school?”

“Yeah, I broadcasted his game last week in the gym down that hallway.”

“That leads to the cafeteria.”

“What?? No way!!!!! Paloma and her friends ran me out of the gym last week.”

“It was New Year’s Day last week. The school would have been closed. Who’s this Palooka-”

“Paloma”

“Paloma, whatever. I never heard of her, either. Who is she, someone who wanted to celebrate 1955 and went a little overboard with it at your expense?”

“19-frickin’-55!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s 3 years before Gil was born!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where the hell am I?”

“WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!!!!!!!!!

You’re on Riverdale High School property!!!!!!!!”

“And Dr. Pearl is not the principal?”

“NO!!!!! CERTAINLY NOT!!!!!!!!!! I AM the principal, Mr. Waldo Weatherbee!!!!!!!! But you can call me The Bee for short, if you like. The students do.”

“DOC!!!!!!!! THANK GOD!!!!!!!!! YA GOTTA SEND ME BACK TO MILFORD!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’LL EVEN APOLOGIZE TO PALOMA!!!!!!!!! BUT, DAMN IT, GET ME BACK TO 2018!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Marty, where did you get that goatee? Nobody grows facial hair in 1955.”

Today’s Women’s History Month entry is another personal favorite of mine, Annie Oakley. Born Phoebe Ann Mosey, she was a VERY adroit talent with the rifle, at one time defeating her future husband, Frank E. Butler, who was not too shabby with the rifle himself. She went on tour with Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show, dazzling audiences with her marksmanship. She could hit dimes at a distance, shoot a cigarette out of her husband’s mouth, hit a target from behind her, using only a mirror to line up the shot. What was neater was she would hold shooting clinics before the Wild West Show, instructing people on how to use a rifle and the safety procedures that went with it. A picture of Annie helping a young girl shoot a clay pigeon said it all and melted my heart. Annie, you did us proud and proved that women could use a rifle just as well as a man, especially when a rifle was necessary to defend yourself. Please spread the word about her as she contributed to humanity in a MIGHTY way.

Gang, have at it. I gotta go to 1955 and bail out Marty, both of them. AGAIN. Does anybody have a spare key to the flux capacitor?

February 27, 2018

I’ve Been in the Station with a Man With No Name, It Felt Good to Just Soak in the Fame.

Filed under: actual action, basketball, big arms, Marty Moon, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 4:45 am

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Aaaaaaaaaaaaa, your mother puts soy sauce on her refried beans!!!!!!! Boy, gang, that felt good. I am pumped like Marty to catapult some more mud at Georgie, The Dove(thank God she ran for cover to her tent in her backyard), Krusty’s niece, Ernie, and whoever else attempts to play King of the Hill on the playground at recess with the WDIG god himself, under the pretext of political correctness. So Jorge had nothing to do with this back-and-forth melee. Who cares? Mudslinging takes no prisoners.

I’m beating this in the ground, I realize but Anonymous Calculus Dude a/k/a Herb Tarlek (as duly noted by Ned, good one, BTW, I’d forgotten about WKRP and glad you brought it up) is beginning to worry me. He’s not just passing through, briefcase in hand, returning to Levittown on the planet Oblivion after conversing with a Thorpiverse main character, such as Marty Moon. No, he’s got his own coffee mug with the WDIG Good Housekeeping Seal IN HIS OWN OFFICE!!!!!!!!!! How’d he swing THAT by Marty? Usually they come out of the walls when the janitor’s closet is locked but noooooooooo, Herb is evidently livin’ large in his own corner of the world, with a view of the WDIG Hall of Fame on top of that.  What’s his secret? Are pinstripes and Gucci shoes on the horizon? Lexus for the company car? Don’t have to fill out a W-2 form every time he appears in the strip? Next thing ya know, he’ll have his own Mr. Coffee and won’t have to sneak a brew or two out of Marty’s office. The price of moving up in the corporate ladder. Things take time.

And you whippersnappers are in for a treat as Sister Mary Elephant returns to Milford. Let’s listen.

“Okay, classsss, classssss, be quiet, class, classsssss, SHUT UPPP!!!!!!!! Thank you. Okay, class, your homework assignment is   a 1000-word essay, ‘How I spent my weekend in my backyard’. I want it typed and double-spaced, 8 1/2 x 11 stenographic sheets, use good grammar and punctuation, due on Monday”

“Oh, no way, Sister. Man, all I ever do in my backyard is smoke reefers in my tent, eat Twinkies and Beanie Weenies, wash it down with a Yoo-hoo, and listen to Marty Moon run down all us Puerto Rican’s.  I mean, he’s a prick. You expect me to write 1000 words about that moron?”

“Now, claassssss, I know you got it in you. One of you might be the next Thackeray.”  “Say who???”

“Thackeray.”

“Sister, I don’t know about this Jackie Ray or Jack a Train, or whatever, but if he’s like ol’ Marty, I’m gonna punch his lights out.”

“Now, claassssss, be creative, use some poetry, it doesn’t have to be cold writing. Show some feeling!!!!!!”

“Sister, I GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!! I GOT IT!!!!!!!!!

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Look out, Anonymous Calculus Dude

’cause I done peed on your shoes.”

And why do we have to have a basketball game, literally in the middle of the strip, when the Gladitorial stage of the mudslinging is just heating up? Do you pull the refried beans out of the microwave well before the beeper says “Done”? Why can’t we just skip it, heck, we’ve relegated basketball(football, baseball, lacrosse, hockey, etc.) to second class anyway, and just beeline to THE MAIN EVENT!!!!!!! C’mon, Thorpiverse, I was beginning to get interested and Jorge drives for a layup, of all things.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, your mother drives a Bueno Product truck when she’s on vacation to the Smokies!!!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!! Score another one!!!!!!!!!!!! If I get good enough, I’ll be on the Hall of Fame wall for sure, right between Herb and Marty. Mudslinging is not for the faint of heart. If you want to be on the porch with the big dogs, ya gotta suck it in.

If ya have had yore fill of the Krabmeat Enchilada and ya get the El Nopal Super-Size Doggie Bag ta take home ta feed yore bloodhounds, further validating the term “doggie bag”, and then proceed to sprinkle  some White Queso Sauce on yore Schlitz later on while watching Dallas in yore recliner chair, ya might be a redneck.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Moon in Hot Water over Gaffe with Milford El Nopal!!!!!!!!!!”

sub head line.

“What’s the big deal? I complained to the waiter that there was half a roach in the Quesadilla Fajita del Pollo and this jackass reporter in the next booth starts typing.”

My final (reluctantly speaking) installment in Black History Month is Arthur Crudup, a very talented Bluesman, noted for writing excellent Blues standards, such as “Mean Old ‘Frisco Blues'”, “So Glad You’re Mine”, “My Baby Left Me”, and “That’s All Right”. The last one was famously recorded by Elvis Presley and became a smash hit. I am angered and outraged that he did not get just financial compensation for his music. In fact, he wound up in later life working as a barge worker, all the while suing the companies that took him to the cleaners. He died in 1974, litigation still in the works. Please spread the word about a man who deserved better.  Love your music, Big Guy.

Racism can be eliminated when we realize we can’t do everything but we can do SOMETHING. If EVERYBODY would do SOMETHING, hate becomes a thing of the past. We can then look forward with hope.

Gang, it’s your turn. I’ll be reading some more “2000 More Insults” if you need me. Gotta stay sharp.

February 1, 2018

In Control, Until They’re Not

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Okay, nothing too out of the ordinary to start off with today.  New Small Mudlark Jorge Padilla gets vertical and grabs a board. Gil sticks with his hyphenated game plan and Milford gets the W.  Playing at higher altitudes didn’t give La Junta the advantage at presumably closer to sea level and oxygen richer Milford. Maybe it was the size-shifting basketball that gave them trouble.  They have a long train ride ahead of them.

Panel 3 provides us our Whisky Tango Foxtrot moments of the day. This was a home game, and Milford has banners. How long have they been there? When was the last time we saw a Milford hoops team win the Valley, or anything more? And what’s with that out-of-control, writhing mass of humanity? I need to post up the color version to try to sort them out.

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Who are these people? Is that Jorge doing the jazz hands thing in the back? Where’s Aaaaron Aaaagard? Being so much taller than the rest you’d think he’d stand out. Is that Big Ken Brown, still with the team front and center? Who is this freakishly large guy at front right, and what is he doing to front-and-center guy’s left arm? Looks like he’s trying to break it. I’m throwing the Recycled Art tag on him; his profile looks an awful lot like the generic Whigham everyguy profile. Heck, the whole panel just looks like Whigham cut and pasted every rando player he’s drawn for the past few years, with no regard for scale, proportion and perspective.

January 31, 2018

La Junta Is Hanging A Few Banners Themselves

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As we from time to time should mention, it seems like it would be a real bad idea to mess with the real life Pete DeWindt. Dude seems like a really cool guy. Honestly, if I were to happen to turn up in Camarillo (FZ reference time? Nah.), I might make an effort to drop by just to say hi.

Meanwhile, I’m thankful for the narration box across panels two and three because, like Gil, I couldn’t bother to remember Mike’s first name either.

Bonus points: Is Marty wearing French cuffs under his Jim Tresselian garb? Is Gil really wearing a solid black tie over a white shirt with no jacket? That’s kinda bad assed in a New Wavey sortof way.

Minus points: Although it is Actual Action, I am not seeing how panel three is in any way related to anything described in that aforementioned narration box.

Metapost: Today’s late post brought to you, in part, by an overachieving FunRun participant.

FunRun

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