This Week in Milford

June 15, 2019

I Bet No One’s Said That to the Blues or Raptors

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In the real world, this past week saw league championships won by franchises that had never won them before: the NHL’s St. Louis Blues and the NBA’s Toronto Raptors (contrary to popular belief, not named for Brent and Jolene Raptor). I always enjoy seeing first-time champs; I think it’s good for the sports. It’s one of the reasons I’ve been pulling for a Mariners-Nationals World Series for the past fifteen years. Both the Blues and the Raptors won on the road and, while it’s not the same as winning on home ice/court, it didn’t diminish the joy in their respective fan bases.

In the Thorpiverse, it’s not like the fans have been packing the bleachers to watch the Lady Mudlarks rip through the Valley. If anything, the TCFS scandal that wasn’t may have alienated large chunks of the student body. Since we seldom see the stands in any Milford baseball/softball action, it’s hard to say. My guess is that the Lady Mudlarks return to campus to three cheers and a tiger and a big TCFS banner honoring them for winning, for reading Animal Farm, and for passing out spirit buttons to anyone who asks nicely.

Today’s strip doesn’t have the feeling of a story wrap-up, but it does have some foreshadowing in the form of Jocelynn’s twisted ankle as she crosses the plate. Just enough of an injury to get the girls knocked out in the first round of the playdowns but not enough to end the self-congratulation. Maybe Mimi can lord it over Gil this summer; it’s no state championship but it’s the most recent championship either Thorp has brought back to Milford.

metapost, kinda: Mea culpa for getting it wrong earlier this week that Linda was going to David’s to break up with him. I still don’t give them much longer.

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April 27, 2019

I Think We’ve Made a Breakup – I Mean, Breakthrough

Filed under: big arms, freak hands, Gil Thorp, Secret Thoughts, shadow figures, softball — teenchy @ 8:05 am

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“You also don’t want the baggage of a high school boyfriend when you go off to college. Know what?  I don’t want the baggage of a high school girlfriend when I go off to college, either.”

“Well, that’s settled.”

Okay, I suppose we could’ve expected this turn.  It was too much to expect that Linda was all pissy just because she wanted her teammates to be as dedicated to playing softball as she was.  I’ve seen that IRL before, from kids who’ve done nothing but sports as an extracurricular all their lives. They (or, more likely, their parents) see the sports as their only ticket to a college scholarship to the exclusion of all else, sometimes including academics. That there may be other paths warps their fragile little minds.

In Linda’s case, volleyball is that ticket out of Milford.  Now, David has planted the seeds of FUD in her head.  Let’s hope she doesn’t tear up that ticket; last thing we want to see is Rubin bringing her back in three years paying to have “FIRE MIMI THORP!” billboards up on the edge of town.

Pity that kids these days don’t know the satisfaction of slamming a handset into the receiver to end a call. They don’t make ’em like that anymore.

 

January 29, 2019

There’s No Such Thing As A Bad Boy. Just Bad Plots.

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Let me be SERIOUS for a minute. I agree with Coach Kaz that if something on the radio, TV, podcast, CD player, record player, electronic media devices, offends you or you don’t like what you hear TURN IT OFF. I have long been an advocate of this idea rather than let self-righteous hypocrites tell us what we can or cannot listen to.

Those who say that, for example, that Black Sabbath leads people down the wrong road don’t wash with me. I’ve been a Sabbie forever (“Technical Ecstasy” and “Volume 4” on the cassette player while balancing equations in high school Chemistry-the memories) and I have a medical doctor in my family. Those who LET another human being get in their heads have nobody to blame but THEMSELVES.

You have the power right within the radio dial.

USE IT.

George Burns was right. You may not be able to change the world but you can always change the channel.

 

Okay, soap box aside, was Coach Kaz listening in on the conversation? Was he smoking a couple of Lucky Strikes from that one guy’s locker? Such sleight-of-hand. Just sneak in before the basketball guys are done at the water fountain, hide behind the lost and found box (if you can stand the stench, Coach-me, I would’ve come clean rather than smell 3-day-old jock strap odor permeate through the pile) , wait ’til they all pass through, listen to them plot the Invasion of Poland, then pounce on ’em and tell ’em they better take Sweden instead. Not as many people and more blonds. The Swedish Bikini Team might be touring the country. Worth conquering, in other words. Just a suggestion. Just don’t send Enola Gay to pinpoint a billboard. Off limits. What would the UN think?

 

And I just FREEZE when I hear the word “loophole”. I can’t even imagine the scenario but here goes.

Our anti-heroes wind up skinny-dipping in some farmer’s pond with the cows on the other end eating the chili dogs and Jack they received when Ol’ McDonald returned that slab of tenderloin he hocked at the Milford 4-H Hoedown to MBW,  giving Roberto the swirlie of his life. Coach Kaz is out digging for worms for bait when he goes trout-fishing at Mudlark Lake and catches our anti-heroes (C’mon, did you ever see Captain America give Spiderman a swirlie?) in the act.

“I thought I told you to leave Roberto alone. So what’s the deal?”

“He accepted our invitation to go for a midnight swim. He challenged us to a fight after we said his mother advertises World’s Finest Chocolate off her pickle wagon. What could we do? We couldn’t run out on the road with the County sheriff patrolling the beat. We had no choice but to stand our ground.”

Like Coach Stuard used to teach me, good teams find a way around the  rules, if necessary. No better example than this.

 

Thanks to Matt Maloney, of Louisville, Kentucky, with help with the above comedy idea. Keep up the good work at your job, Matt. You work HARD and DEFINITELY represent America.

 

And don’t even go there in P3. Okay, the team is going to try to circumvent Kaz’s Mandate because, well, they’re kids. So you can’t give Roberto a swirlie on School Grounds. Fair enough. you still got the Milford Mall bathroom, McDonald’s, Milford Kwik-EE Mart and all you need is the key for the last one. Simple. Keep Roberto in the trunk, someone go get the key and tell them they had one Bucket Chili Dog too many, procure the Gateway to Relief, get Asshole Roberto out of the trunk, get him to bathroom before anyone  can write  more nasty stuff on the walls (“Roberto sits all broken-hearted/Tried to poop but only farted”) , stick in his head in designated Hell hole. Fun is sure to follow.

And if Kaz comes in unexpectedly for the munchies and has to have 3 bags of Doritos $4  Organic Nacho Supreme, what can he do? Okay, call the police but they weren’t on School Grounds!!!!!!! Not that I’m encouraging this but where the hell are they going in P3???????? This is The Sopranos getting out the car. Did they make sure Roberto had concrete shoes on while dumping him in Mudlark Lake???????? He just insulted the coach, not attacked The Don’s order. Well, finish the job, Sopranos, er, Mudlarks, and let’s get back to basketball. And keep your silencers in your lockers.

 

This is the city. Milford, USA. An average-sized town with plenty of activity, some not always on the level. That’s when I go to work. My name’s Friday. I carry a badge.

It was drizzling in Milford. The weatherman call for The Rapture later. My partner, Bill Gannon, and I were assigned to the Domestic Fraud and Dismemberment Department, Adult Division. The boss is Captain Mr. Clean.

There had been unconfirmed reports of abnormal, illicit, and illegal toilet operations. SWAT team members had been investigating  restaurants and bars off of anonymous tips we received from our alert citizens. They traced the illegal trade to the Milford Lounge and The Bucket.

“So whattya think?”

“Nuthin’ yet. Still got all night.”

“What thrill do kids get from sticking a classmate’s head down the john?”

“Beats me. We did the same thing to the Japanese when I was in the Service. Spilled their guts right down to the vanilla sushi. Got one to say Emperor Hirohito was the AntiChrist rather than douse his head in a neglected barracks latrine. A PFC got a month’s KP cuz he forgot Latrine Duty. Geez, the stink. Smelled like Coach Shaw after he bombed Pearl Harbor in Gil’s WC. No wonder why the man cracked.

Gannon looks through his lorgniette.

“Joe, I think we got trouble.”

“And plenty of. Let’s go.”

We spotted some teenagers pulling into the drive-in of The Bucket. We thought nothing of it until we saw them get out of the car. Normally, they grab the speaker and order the usual teenage fare, cheeseburgers, chocolate shakes and what-not. When they didn’t tip the car hop, I suspected trouble. We STILL had to catch them in the act. Headquarters wasn’t going to accept arresting a punk because he tipped Carly the Car Hop a $2 bill nor because he spit too much into his A & W Root Beer Bucket Float. We had to wait untoil at least Carly took a smoke break behind the dumpster. There’d be no swirlies there.

“Hey, there’s nerdnik Roberto over there!!!!!” “Where?”

“Over there, stupid.  Eatin’ in that corner booth with those women he  called on the Milford Singles Line. Dang, he runs the gamut. One’s a divorcee, once married to Dr. Pearl’s nephew, one’s an old maid,  Granny Clampett’s sister, I hear, one’s 350 pounds after she got blackballed from a Weight Watcher’s meeting-”

“Cut the trivia, dude!!!!!! Everybody ready?? At the count of 3, let’s whoop some butt and give his head a home-made Bucket Chocolate/Vanilla Twirl.”

They grabbed the initiative before we could make our move. Fortunately, the SWAT team was waiting in the girls’ bathroom while Gannon called for back-ups. You never knew with these punks. They were liable to throw Bucket Orange & Lime Yogurt at you and get it all over your jacket with the Lions Club lapel on it. You couldn’t be too careful.

The SWAT team reacted swiftly and none too soon, throwing tear gas in Stall #3. Those punks never stood a chance. They came out with their hands out while Roberto grabbed a paper towel because the Air Blower was out of order. The smoke would be there for days.

“Police officers!!!!!!!!! You’re under arrest!!!!!!

“Don’t shoot!!!!!!!! Don’t shoot!!!!!!!!!

Man, I get a boner to this day rounding up teenage ne’er-do-wells.

“Awwwwrright, Gannon, read ’em their rights.”

Gannon obliged, then asked one final question.

“Was it really worth it???? All you had to do was listen to another radio station. I heard Anderson Cooper is really down on Gil for lack of action or interest.”

“Yeah. We just couldn’t take any more. If we could snuff this mug, we could listen to Fibber McGee once again. His closet stinks but at least he makes sense. And he never criticizes the coach.

“Yeah???? Well, you’re going to share a cell with Daddy Bader while Roberto will still be on the air. And you still ain’t playing basketball.”

Eerie music cuts in, as it always does when Friday scores a touche.

DUM DA DUM DUM

 

DUM DA DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMMMMM

“On January 3rd, trial was held in the Milford Superior Court. In a moment, the results of that trial.”

 

Okay, Gene Rayburn is back, at the ready with another Match Game 2019 question. Take ‘er away, Gene.

“Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought her ________________ would be great for R/Bobby to advertise on billboards.”

 

“On January 3rd, the Milford Superior Court found the Milford Mudlark Basketball team guilty of one count of recklless gang activity according to the Milford Penal Code Article 35, Section 21, punishable by probation to 5 years in the Milford Penitentiary, and 23 counts of plot inertia, according to Milford Penal Code Article 475, Section 95, Clause 103, punishable by Life Confinement to the Milford Gym or 5-10 years in the same, dependent on the degree of the swirlie.”

“The team now serving lay-up drills for 7 years until a parole hearing is scheduled in 2023.”

 

DING DONGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!! HI HONEY, I’M HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Gil, you don’t have to ring the doorbell. This is your house!!!!!!!!”

“Oops, sorry. I was so carried away with that deal at Milford Beverage Warehouse that I forgot I wasn’t at Kaz’s house for Scrabble and Bud.”

“So you remembered to return the Amish macaroni salad you concealed in your ’93 football playbook?Did Dr. Pearl ever suspect that you took it from the faculty loung3e after the Milford Teachers’ Beer Bonanza Celebration?”

“Hell, no, they had to cart Pearl off to the Milford Emergency Clinic after she downed a fifth of Jack with no chaser. Tod Andrews was the Designated Driver. AND she still thinks Luhm crammed it under his dustpan before he was scheduled to turn on all the Raid Defogger cans to get rid of the fleas. Caramel quiche has a way of attracting fleas, I guess.”

“Did the Beverage guy ever tell you where the food was going?”

“He said they’ll be taking it to the Milford Food Pantry. Somebody desperate enough and tired of devouring old Michelin tires like Wile E. Coyote will chow down on Road Runner souffle and not-yet-moldy potato salad. He also said the Pantry sprays Lysol on everything before E. Coli can spread. There’ll be no Plague in Milford, believe me. Wile E. can confidently chew Road Runner meat knowing the USDA enforces no lice on a dead Road Runner or Bucket Burgers that have been under the heat lamp too long. But I got my 24-Pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon, I’m happy.”

“And what about the Dolly Madison Zingers?”

“They didn’t lose color. And the icing’s still fresh. We FedEx’d those and the Oreos to a mission somewhere off the coast of El Salvador. I negotiated for 2 Patron Reposado Teqauilas but the Warehouse wanted more Twinkies thrown in the transaction to earn another bottle. Damn, if only Coach Shaw wasn’t off another Hostess binge after he shot that raccoon.”

“Darling, I’m glad there’s somewhere to go to dump your unwanted condiments, the ones that wound up in Nativity No-Man’s Land. Sorta like those misfit toys that Santa found a home for. It’s nice that Dr. Pearl’s month-old carrot cake found a home. I heard Bumbles is still snarfing it after Herbie the Dentist got him a new pair of dentures (“Herbie doesn’t like to make carrot cake”, Herbie doesn’t…etc.) . The cake was disintegrating in your glove compartment.”

“Shoot, they gave me a Coors Light Keg o’ Tall Boys for that and even offered to give back the carrot cake if I’d let them have it krausened.”

 

“Boy, we could go on with this Boswell on the Milford Beverage Warehouse all night but it would probably wind up in the ER with Dr. Pearl, so don’t take our word for it. Bring back that box of KFC Buffalo Fries you’ve got stashed in the attic behind Grandma’s organ and get a fresh start. And a fresh Michelob. Sounds like a winner to me.”

 

Gang, I apologize. I have been FRANTICALLY trying to get this posted after my original got erased again. Still in the Dark Ages on technical wizardry. Thank you eternally for your patience. You mean A LOT to me.

 

“Wait a minute, Gil. There’s no ‘k’ in ‘sabbatical’.”

“Whatever. It’s a hard sound. Close enough. You already owe me 3 Buds. Don’t run up a bill.”

January 19, 2019

How to Groom Your Point Guard

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“You’ve run hot and cold… Is something bothering you?… There, let me rub that kink out of your neck.  Say, Mike, do you like movies about gladiators?”

Sorry about that.  Yesterday’s JoePa reference kinda triggered me.

Let’s recap what we’ve seen but not heard out of Filion so far this season.  He’d been slipping in one class and “had a one-week dip last spring because he was texting his girlfriend all night.”  Mike let Kaz know he wasn’t dipping anymore, so that’s not a factor. He gave Milford the lead at Danbury, but a deflection and an odd bounce gave the Mad Hatters the win.  All we have to go on is one panel in a strip set in the pre-season for any indication that Mike may be having moments of self-doubt.

Now the Mudlarks, distracted or not, are 1-4 and mediocrity would look like a step forward.  Social media exists in the Thorpiverse, Marty was already called out as a putz by Paloma Padilla & co. last season and, if Liesl Ishii is still alive, so has B/Robby.  So why are these kids so spooked?  The billboard and AM talk radio smear campaign should be giving these kids bulletin board material to fire up for the next game.  Seems like it’s Gil who’s distracted, and now he’s gonna pin it on Filion retroactively.  (Here I thought scapegoats were a Westview thing.)  Plant enough seeds of FUD in the kid’s head and soon enough he’ll crack, spilling his guts to Gil while ignoring where that big flipper goes next.

 

 

December 19, 2018

Warriors! Come out to play-ay!

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The Arapaho(e) are a Native American tribe of the Great Plains. Arapahoe High School, near Denver, unfortunately made national news almost five years ago to this day for a shooting which left one student dead and the shooter taking his own life.

Well, after that bit of cheer to start off our day, let’s dive in to the traditional Mouseketeer Roll Call of the roster.  This time it’s Marty who’s doing the roll call, as it appears that Marjie whipped out the pepper spray on Gil once he started becoming too much of a close talker.  “Sorry, Mr. Coach Thorp, mediocre may be good enough for Mrs. Coach Thorp, but it’s not good enough for me.”

Marginal Mike Filion and Nosey Parker Andre Ruffin form the backcourt. The starting forwards are seventh-year senior Paul Beaudry and – wait, what?  Is Jorge Padilla still in Milford?  How did Marty pronounce his name? (I’m guessing correctly given Moon’s chastened, pissy look on his face.)  Have the Padillas not moved back to Puerto Rico or at least Georgia?  Rubin dropped the ball bigly on the Padilla story last winter, and I doubt he’ll be picking it up again now.

Nope, my guess is that when we’re not delving into the mystery of Two Billboards Outside Milford or watching Filion having me time in his bedroom, we’ll get some minor focus on “scrawny,” “lanky” center Marcell Irby (thanks to whom I can’t stop thinking of Jerry Clower, which probably says more about me than Rubin) and his struggles in the paint.  Burly Rick Soto will probably sub for Marcell after he gets banged around and Milford will lose any height advantage it may have had.

Arapahoe’s sports teams* are called the Warriors, a perfect setup for Milford’s nerdy cutesy snarky student body.  Maybe Ernie from My Three Sons and the Milford Pirate Network can lead the fans in the chant.

 

 

 

 

*Colorado high school basketball teams participate in playoffs, not playdowns.

November 24, 2018

Tiki Can’t Really Dust for Vomit

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Well this backfired

Subtlety’s not Joe’s forte

But is self-defense?

 

Bolek’s a dumbass

Use phone camera for this

It’s not Rick Soto

 

Whaddaya expect

From a guy who paints crosswalks

With tiny brushes?

 

Can film buff buddies

Jump in, make this a fair fight?

Outlook not so good

 

Now Mudlarks will need

Another new punter

Like Spinal Tap drummers

 

November 14, 2018

Gil’s Next Trick Play: The Tiki Eligible

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Kaz can’t conclude that

Tiki eligible, so

Off to the weight room

 

Then while bench pressing

Bet Kaz wasn’t expecting

Gil to teabag him

 

There’s no clear-cut call

On eligibility

To keep us guessing

 

Gil Thorp logic:

“What would our opponents think?”

They don’t have to know

 

No Urban Meyer

More like Kirby Not-so-Smart

Or next Petrino

 

Andre Ruffin sez:

“Wish you were playing tonight.”

“The jury’s still out.”

 

Benched Tiki again?

Didn’t even dress him out?

Why did he show up?

 

Surely Marty Moon

Has noticed. He should be on

This like white on rice

 

Through all this shitshow

Where’s the movie buff punter?

Off watching game film?

 

Is he reviewing

This travesty of a plot?

Give it the finger

November 8, 2018

Will Wal-Mart Be Selling Sketchy Telephones On Black Friday?

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Including today, we have negotiated through 22 days without seeing a football. You TWIMers have done an excellent job with the analogies on detectives in relation to The Hardy Boys and now Gil and Kaz,  running the gamut from Encyclopedia Brown to Agatha Christie to Go Go Gadget Go. Even Gil is getting in on the act, calling Kaz “Sherlock” the other day. I reckon when you ain’t playing football because it’s been preempted by “Peyton Place” and “A Charlie Brown Special: The Case of the Missing Fussbudget”, you start thinking more like Luke Spencer and/or Jessica Fletcher

And the telephones are the proof in the pudding. Good God Almighty, Gil and Kaz ought to be switchboard operators . They’ve been spending more time with phones than pigskins, without a doubt.

“One ringee dingee

Two ringee dingee

Hello, is this Coach Sit-on-your-ass-all-day? This is Coach Phone-is-epoxied-to-my-earring. We’re calling about a player that used to play for you. You don’t know him either? But you heard he dated Manny the Mail Man’s daughter? Well, that makes sense, the Shoe Shine Man on “Police Squad” told me he’d been in the ‘hood mixing in with some sketchy characters. BTW, how long has that Tab can been on your desk? I can smell it through the wires.”

 

VAMBOOOOOO, I don’t understand this plot at allllllll

You old-timers, remember when the Sensational Alex Harvey Band appeared on the old In Concert series (on ABC right after the 11:00 News) ? Talk about bizarre. Bizarre lyrics, bizarre music, bizarre clothing. I mean ta tell ya, Alex baby is belting out VAMBOOOOO, accompanied by their guitarist who was dressed in a clown outfit, combo The Joker/Pennywise the Dancing Clown with a voice like one of Sabrina’s witches.

Later, Alex’s mouth is stuffed with what later turned out to be L’eggs Panty Hose that he eventually put over his face (Mudlarks, don’t try this at home) and flagrantly displayed to the world how psychopathic he really was, a bank robber about to scare the living daylights with that hose over his face, with the idea that if you’re terrified of this demon on your TV screen, you’d fork over your money (I’d have given my paycheck I was going to cash at Milford National, anyway, don’t know ’bout you.) and be entertained to boot.

Damn, Coach Kaz might shroud his face with L’eggs Avocado Medium Size but it wouldn’t be entertaining and this plot would STILL be bizarre AND stupid. At least the audience applauded SAHB.

 

And what in the name of VAMMMMBBBBOOOOOOOO is the New Thayer coach talking about when he says sketchy characters???????? Is this another way of expressing “stick figures”? He’s been drinking so much of that stale Sam’s Choice Berry Cherry Soda with all the ensuing flies buzzing around it that it’s affecting his judgment?  I am really trying to be fair here.

But remember when we used to play Hangman and if you spelled the word out, your stick figure got the noose at high noon? Is ol’ Coach Sit-on-etc. insinuating that Tiki associated with the Hangman’s kids? Boy, the artwork has really hit the skids lately if we are to learn the truth in a few days. Let me come on in and draw Tiki’s friends. I’d win 1st Prize in the Stick Figure Competition at the Milford County Fair. Me, with my manila paper of 3 stick people trying to shove past the door greeters and security on Black Friday at Wal-Mart side-by-side with a couple a kids that won the Cow-Milking  Competition, wow. And all I had to do on the stick figure door greeter was draw a rectangle for his/her name badge. Piece of cake.

 

Shout-out to Tommy Stanford who works at the Fern Creek, Kentucky Taco Bell. He always has a smile on his face when a customer walks in and does EVERYTHING he can to please the customer. It’s a definite great experience when he takes your order. I like his professionalism and if you’re in the neighborhood, swing on by. Even though Taco Bell is a nationwide chain, Tommy makes it a Small Business atmosphere. And gang, you need to go where everybody knows your name. Give Tommy the business, gang. He deserves it.

 

“VAMBOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Comin’ to the rescue!!!!!!!!!!!!

VAMBOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Comin’ to the rescue!!!!!!!!!!!

VAMBOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Comin’ to the rescue!!!!!!!!!!!”

A teenager almost spills his Triple Chunky Chocolate Bucket o’ Shake

“Is that Coach Thorp in that Bozo outfit????? Geez, no wonder why he can’t recruit ANYONE, let alone a punter.”

Yet, Gil and Coach Shaw soldier on, the center stage replacing the dancing area where the kids normally boogie. Right now, there’s a new band in town. They really need to up their VAMBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOO since Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs are scheduled to appear next on their Comeback Tour. VAMMMMBBBBBBOOOOOOOOO getting outclassed by “Wooly, Booly”? Perish the thought. Plus Tiki will shock ’em later with the panty hose act.

“Man, I knew the Bucket Lobster Claw Plate ‘n’ Chips were hard to swallow, but Tiki’s REALLY havin’ a time of it. Think I ought a slip a glass of water?”

 

Okay, okay, Tiki in reality wasn’t associating with kindergarten-drawing characters (“Mommy, Mommy, look what I drawed, a stick figure getting his ass handed to him by Gil in his office!!!!!) so let’s rewind and see if we can figure out SKETCHY CHARACTERS once and for all. And the Amazing Kreskin is rummaging through his mind and interpreting this as a typo for SHADY CHARACTERS. Where else could Thorpiverse be leading us? Are Dagwood and Blondie SKETCHY CHARACTERS????? Sergeant Snorkel????? Man, the dude is too fat to be sketchy. And not too many SKETCHY CHARACTERS with one tooth in their mouths, much less making Beetle Bailey roadkill.

Soooooooooo, SHADY CHARACTERS it is. STILL, has Tiki been associating with Goodfellas??????? Is that why he runs to games, classes, the bathroom, etc. cuz this unmarked Cadillac Seville is chasing him because he failed to finish a job that he signed a contract for????? Does that mean if Marty Moon disappears suddenly (fingers crossed) from WDIG, Tiki fulfilled the terms of the contract and will show up on time for !st Period World Geography?????? Folks, I’m just going with what I’m seeing if we’re going to discuss SKETCHY CHARACTERS. So far, we’ve ruled out stick figures and Dennis the Menace but that’s about as much progress that we’ve made. Oh, and The Sopranos.

 

A HUGE shout-out to the poll workers who manned the voting booths at American Legion Post 42 in Floyds Knobs, Indiana this past Tuesday. When I walked in the place and saw the serpentine line, to be honest, I was understandably concerned. BUT the whole staff operated like clockwork and I was out in less than 1/2 an hour, from the end of the line to signing in to voting to putting my ballot in the box. And as a bonus, they saw over 1,000 voters exercise Democracy (I was about 3 voters down from the 1,000th voter) . Just as important it is to vote are the people who ENABLE US TO VOTE by all the procedures they follow to make this thing work. And you DEFINITELY made it work. I salute you all in making Freedom reign.

 

P1-“HICCUP!!!!!!!!! No, I don’t recall a Tiki (looking under the New Thayer Downs Racing Weekly) . I see a Kiki, naw, wait that’s Kiki Vandeweghe, that’s my ESPN Classic magazine, my bad,  (looks in his desk, shoves aside the Pringles), I saw a Thomas here on my roster BELLLCCCHHHH, Excuse me!!!!!!!! from ’98 but that was when we were doormats to you all, shoot, (scratching crotch, switches leg so that other leg can get a rest from the balancing act on his chair), I even looked on my plan book and couldn’t find any appointments with any sketchy characters, they must have gone to Apartment 3-G, well, (looking under his Jack Daniels in the top drawer next to his checkbook to make sure) , if I find any Tiki Jackson, I’ll holler. BTW, is he any kin to Tito or Janet or Michael? Can Tiki moonwalk?”

 

In response to a local McDonald’s issuing the edict “No profanity in this store!!!!!!!!”

 

“DAMN!!!!!!! My Bucket Buffalo Burger is medium-rare again!!!!!!!!!! The beef is redder than VAMBOOOOOO and who the Hell left the Bucket Chili Chipotle Fries in the deep fryer so long???? This 10W40 taste is making me puke and shit in the Bucket men’s room at the same time. And WTF made the Bucket Oreo Shake? These pieces look like deer droppings when me and Shaw go hunting. We’d find a 10-pointer for sure leaving these pieces of poop on the trail.”

“Gil!!!!!!!!! They’re issuing fines!!!!!!!!! Watch your language!!!!!!!!!”

“I said ‘poop.'”

 

At the Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club auditions

“VAMBOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! This plot has got me hypnotized!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Ahhhhhh, that might work. As long as we can keep Gil’s face dabbed with Pond’s Cold Cream between sets, he can always fake the Gibson guitar. And thank God, the Milford Shriners were willing to donate a clown costume. He might struggle with the clown shoes since he wears a size 12 and they’re size 11’s but I understand the leather stretches.  And we’ll just lip-synch the high notes for Gil. But, Shaw, no way we’re using a Jazz guitar on this number.”

“But VAMMMMMMMMNBBBBBBBBOOOOOO was Joe Pass’s favorite number!!!!!!!”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket Metes Out $10,000 Fine To Coach Kaz Over Profanity Allegedly Uttered This Past Saturday!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“All I said was that the cooks must have substituted cow manure for meatballs in the Bucket o’ Marinaded Spaghetti.”

 

If ya actually git rewarded with a McDonald’s McRib Sandwich coupon cuz ya got a little carried away with talkin’ about that whopper of a swordfish ya caught at Mudlark Lake cuz the McD’s manager is yore fishin’ buddy and completely kin relate, ya might be a redneck.

 

WHO SHOW COACH SHAW?????????

VAMMMMBBBBOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Naw, couldn’t have been him. He sings like the Wicked Witch of the West but witnesses saw him at his Fraternal Order of Clowns meeting at the corner table at Milford Lounge.”

 

Gang, comment away. Looks like we’ll be learning a lot about mythology if Thor’s lightning bolt in P2 is any indication. Ahhhhh, enough thinking. I’m going with Gil and Kaz on the tour of the Washington Monument in P3. The next tour is due up at 3:00PM. Can’t wait to see the Potomac.

 

At Gil’s home at 11:30 one night, Mimi can’t sleep and is reading Danielle Steele while jammin’ on the turntable to Clifford Brown (You died too early, Clifford, My Man) . She is overwhelmed by one of Steele’s dresses on the back cover. Suddenly, behind the Motorola Console, a man with steel netting over his visage rises up and acts like one of the ghosts from Scooby-Doo.

VAMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOO

“GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE!!!!!!!!!”

“Mimi, it’s just me. I thought the shock might circulate the blood and get you tired. It’s lonely sleeping with Dino.  His farts are a bit too juicy.”

“FIRST REMOVE THE CLOWN MAKEUP!!!!!!!!!”

 

At The Bucket cashier

“Ma’am, did some idiot scoop this Bucket o’ Teenie Weenie Wieners and Spaghetti O’s Kiddie Plate out of a Ken’L Ration can????? My daughter had to scurry to the Emergency Room at Milford General and my son has a rash. How can you sell this Bucket o’ Shit?”

Suddenly, a police siren and flashers appear through the window.

ONE ADAM-12 ONE ADAM-12 WE HAVE A CODE 291 IN PROGRESS AT THE BUCKET!!!!!!!!!!!!

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