This Week in Milford

April 8, 2020

Breakfast in Milford

Filed under: baseball, big arms, Boredom in Milford, Gil Thorp, Pantheon of Hair — teenchy @ 9:02 am

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Random thoughts today:

It appears Rubin is doubling down on making one of the plot lines this spring “What is The Mayor eating for breakfast, and what kind of container is he eating it from?” How he plans to make this relevant is beyond me this morning. Are Knappe’s chronic lateness and need to talk to everybody in the halls symptoms of ADHD? If so, did B/Robby Howry leave some Adderalls stashed in the Mudlarks’ equipment room that could help?

What’s going on with the Milford baseball jerseys? Baseball uniform numbers aren’t usually centered below the team name. Maybe these are leftovers from Milford’s aborted lacrosse program. And what’s with dude whose number ends in “2” behind gesturing speaker guy’s uni? Is he wearing his jersey tucked into a skirt like in A League of their Own or into shorts like the ’76 White Sox?

Finally, poor Hiawatha James, the Pete DeWindt of his class. ‘Watha looks like he wants to be anywhere but in the Milford locker room. Maybe it’s the prospect of catching only one pitcher all season (Gil didn’t mention any others besides Godleski). Maybe it’s the hairdo he’s been saddled with. Maybe he cares as much about The Mayor’s breakfast choices as the rest of us do.

March 28, 2020

Siriously?

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Four months’ setup for this. One of the lamest intros since “Oprah, Uma. Uma, Oprah.” Alexa is left with a deer-in-the-headlights look the likes of which we haven’t seen since Boo Radley had an unfortunate run-in with Del Bader and a pickup truck.

Although some sources say it’s legit, I have never heard anyone named Serena given the nickname “Siri.” In all the years I’ve followed tennis I’ve never heard it used on the greatest female player in recent times. I never heard called Samantha Stevens’ evil cousin called “Siri.” I never heard Sifl and Olly’s fantasy girl referred to as “Siri” either, but supposedly it’s of Scandinavian origin and that’s her mother’s given name. Okay, fine.

There are still a couple months left in most school years. Many of them will be completed via distance learning, which starts on Monday where I live. Another plot should be starting on Monday in the Thorpiverse as well. Newspaper syndicate lead times being what they are, it will probably not involve distance learning. Some elements of this plot may continue over into the spring. Chris and Alexa may still duke it out for valedictorian.  We may find out Siri’s parents are named Cortana and Mercedes.

Siri and Alexa have nice boots on. Maybe they’ll go ride horses together at the afterparty.

Chris gives this plot the finger. So do I.

March 26, 2020

She Wipes Her Face Of This Whole Affair.

Filed under: big arms, freak hands, hands in the air, Pointy Fingers — tdrewhardin @ 8:55 am

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We TWIMers are anticipating the onset of baseball/softball so that we can get jerked around like a rag doll for another 4 months replete with inchoate mini-plots and directions leading us to No-Man’s Land and we’re left holding the bag how to get OUT of No-Man’s Land. Do you take A-1-A? Yeah, Jimmy Buffett would have better success getting out of Florida than we would escaping from March. Remember that Saturday Night Live sketch where Frank Zappa gets broken down and he has to go to this house where these hippies are like zombies? “Night on Drug Mountain”? And anybody who knew Zappa knew, bizarre as his music was, he never touched a drug in his life. He was VERY politically active and many of his albums are imbued with political messages.

Well, you can imagine the scene.

“Fraaaaaannnnkkkk, so good to see yoouuuu. I got some of this weed fresh in the bowl,  maaaannnnnn.”

“No, thank you, I don’t do drugs. Do you have any jumper cables?”

“Heyyyyyyy, evvverrrrryyyybodyyyy, it’s Frank Zapppppppaaaa!!!!!! Here, Frank, tryyyy some of this LSDDDDDDDDD. It’ll take your minddddd off this plot. Gil will be a thinngggg of the passsssttttttttt.”

“Look, I don’t do drugs. Do you have a phone? I can call AAA and get my car towed. I have a credit card.”

 

And with Dan Akroyd in that ponytail, that confirmed the hilarity of the situation.

“Night on Mudlark Mountain.”

Kaz in a ponytail

“Here, Gillllllllll, I got some coke straight out of the ovvvvveeennnnnn. You ought to try sommmmmmeeeeee. You aren’t going anywhheeeerrreee in this ploootttttt, anyway.”

“Kaz, you know I don’t do drugs. Did you get that Geography Final grade for Chris? I have to have it on Dr. Pearl’s desk by Monday.”

“Oh, Gil, don’t be such a party poopperrrrrr. I have a nice toke under my typewriiiittterrrrrrr. I smoke it when the studentttssssss aren’t loookkkinnngggggg. Open your mind and smelllllllll the cofffffeeeeee, mannnnnnnnn.”

“No thank you, Ms. Rizk. I have a reputation to uphold. Did you get Chris’ AAA record? I understand he’s in arrears and I want to pay the balance before that goes to print in The Trumpet.”

“Heyyyyyyy, no harmmmmmmm, no foullllll. He may have landed on the practice fiiiiieeeelllllddddd but it’s ancient historyyyyyyy to meeeeeeee. And I’llllllll give it a decentttttttt burialllll if you’ll broaden your minnnnnnnddddddd, Gil. And I’ll go half on the towinnnngggggggg.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Mudlark Girls Basketball Ends With 21-Gun Salute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Mimi Thorp: ‘Scriptwriter told me he didn’t have any room in April for the Playdowns and my sermonizing on the softball diamond. I had to flip a coin.”

 

Okay, Mudlark Ladies, it’s time to get up and stretch. Yeah, I’m also gettin’ antsy for this thing to end. What the Academic Rat Race That Ended In Detente had to do with basketball is a free throw do-over because someone entered the lane too soon. Mimi needs to drill her players on proper footwork, maybe stick an anvil in their butts so they don’t lean over, um, er, EUREKA!!!!!!!!! THEY’RE STRETCHING BECAUSE THEY WON!!!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes it doesn’t always register. Like the Vegas gambling house that has no clocks because they want people to keep gambling by losing sense of time, the Mudlark gym has no scoreboard because Thorpiverse wants to keep dragging this along to fill up space until Spring sports and let us draw our own conclusions. Make us think this is a Ban Roll-On commercial.

 

WE WON WE WON

“Yup, we sure did. Have you checked your pits lately? I have some Sure in my locker.”

Raise your arms if you’re Surrrreeeeee

 

What a commercial. Team celebrations in Milford will never be the same.

 

If ya conk out yore bloodhound and all the ticks and fleas on yore bloodhound as a result of lack of usage of Mennen Speed Stick Spe-shull Formula Apple Cider Supreme for longer than this plot, ya might be a redneck.

 

And we won’t have to worry about the Mudlark gym getting COVID-19 thanks to the mosquito netting hanging from the basketball rim in the background. Mudlark girls can flash their B.O. knowing that protection comes in the niftiiest places. Shoot the winning shot at the buzzer and keep the flies away, now there’s a concept you can tell your grandkids. Yup, we won and trounced malaria. Works for me.

Too bad it didn’t get all the fire ants off of Alexa. Poor girl is still concerned about developing her game and now she has another problem to contend with. I’ll go get another towel. It might not help get you a starting spot on UConn’s team next year but you won’t have fire ants eating your corneas. We’ll get something out of the deal.

Better not get too close, Chris. Fire ants and Fake SAT exams don’t mix.

 

And it appears that Chris went to Mudlark Mountain and back, judging by P2. Better watch out, Alexa. No telling WHAT’S going to be at his party. If you’re expecting Lay’s Wavy Chips or Grippo’s Reduced Fat Bar-B-Chips or Diet Coke in 20 oz. bottles or Mudlar-K-Cola Watermelon Wonder in the same size, you might be disappointed.

“Here, Alexaaaaaaaaa, try some of this acid, mannnnnnnnnnn. You won’t have to practice being aggresivvvvvveeeee by knockinggggggg Dr. Pearlllllllll into her file cabinet. This tripppppppp willlllll send your opponent into the cheap seatttttttttsssssss. You’ll be Moses Malonnneeeeee, mannnnnnnn.”

“No thanks, I don’t do drugs. Where’s the Star-Kist tuna sandwiches? Chris said there’d be enough to feed the Valley Conference.”

 

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Evangelical Camp Meeting Results In 15 Converts, 32 Rededications, and 10 Baptisms At Milford High Girls Gym!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Mimi Thorp: ‘And we won the game!!!!!! Can you Lady Mudlarks say HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!'”

 

And it’s bad enough that this plot had to go to Mudlark Mountain and end things at a pot party but WE’RE STILL WAITING ON SPRING SPORTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t get me wrong, to each their own and I’ve always liked Clapton’s Slowhand album that includes the signature tune, Cocaine, but I’d understandably prefer to listen to it as good music, not be the ending to Hoosiers. Jimmy Chitwood ending the plot laced on LSD really wasn’t the fate of the gods. Bobby Plump in the Sky with Diamonds? 15-footer in Marmalade Skies? Try sticking that one on the Milan Water Tower next to “1954 Champs.”

 

“How many fingers am I holding up, Alexa?”

“5?”

“That’s how many bags of pretzels will be at my party. And that midget standing next to me that hit the winning lay-up? That’s how many bowls of quiche will be on the table.”

 

OH GOD NO Puh-llllleewaaaseee tell us we’re not opening up another can of worms with the possible intro of Chris’ girlfriend. We’ve already been through enough ethics-challenging without finding out what SHE’S all about. Or, judging by Alexa’s reaction in P3, there might be a possible thing for Chris. Folks, there are only 12 months in the year. Don’t cram plot development into a glass of Nestle’s Quik. Using a spoon to stir won’t help.

“I didn’t know you had a girlfriend. That McCartney Moment didn’t mean anything? I had a fun time under the sheets at The Lake House.”

“I’m really sorry, Alexa. It was wonderful. Well, gotta go. I gotta pick her up before the Milford Zoo closes.”

Times like these I usually switch over to Buzz Sawyer. There’s no sports in that one either but he usually catches the crook by April. And there’s no mosquito nets on the basketball backboard in his driveway.

But as long as Chris has Fritos and Con Queso dip, I might have some room on my schedule.

 

“Here, Alexa, I got some weed, mannnnnnnn. Freshly grown on some farm in New Mexicooooooooo. So good, they smuggled some across the borderrrrrrrrrrrr.”

“No, thanks. Hey, Chris, don’t put away that Amish potato salad in the fridge just yet.”

 

Today’s Women’s History Month entry is Nancy Kassebaum. She was a very powerful Senator from Kansas for 18 years, able to enact legislation that made a difference from improving affordable health care to removing Apartheid in South Africa. Her father, Alf Landon, a man who lived to 100, was a famous presidential candidate in 1936, so she was no stranger to politics. In fact, she became the 2nd woman to win a Senate seat without her husband first occupying that seat. She has always displayed good judgment and has voted middle of the road on several issues, despite coming from a heavily Republican state (her own party affiliation, BTW) such as her native Kansas. Please join me in saluting a person who has displayed quality leadership when it counted and made this nation that much stronger through her well-balanced style.

 

“We’ll return to The Olde Tyme Gospel Hour at the Milford Girls Gym after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV. Don’t go away.”

 

“Amen, Sister Mimi. That was a great homily about The Sermon on the Mount. Probably the key to the game. And we rallied from 14 points down in the 4th quarter. Uncle Mo was on our side. Blessed are the meek.

And what better way of celebrating The Prodigal Son returning home to get the key rebound than to have a clearance sale. The timing couldn’t be better.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse and with the COVID-19 epidemic keeping our customers from coming to El Dorado, that’s even more of a reason to clear ’em out and I don’t mean Alexa puttin’ a body on Ms. Rizk’s typewriter so that it can get an easy put-back.

Man o man, I couldn’t believe Knob Creek Straight Bourbon piled high to the ceiling because nobody wants to get drunk and do it with Rocky Raccoon. Gotta slash the prices if you want to bring ’em back in their gas masks. Best coaching advice I ever gave.

Boy, Jameson Irish Whiskey in 750 ml at a throat-cutting $14.99 and that’s not even counting the coupon that’ll knock off another 2 bucks. Shoot, the cashier we’ll even apply hand sanitizer to your coupon so that you don’t get sick off of Jameson and the virus too.

And the good people at The Warehouse got tired of using a bulldozer to plow through the cases of Miller Lite 30-Pak 12 oz. cans to get to the restroom so they slashed the price to a ridiculous $9.99 so that sanity could be restored on the way to the john. My goodness, for a dollar more, they’ll throw in Latex Sanitary Gloves you can use to help carry the booze to your vehicle. No sense in contracting The Plague while sippin’ The Good Life.

 

And when one of The Warehouse employees is practicing climbing Mt. Everest by punching a piton into a mountain of Bogle Vineyards Select cartons, I think it’s safe to say The Warehouse better reduce the backstock. For $7.79, you can be a Cheese and Wine whiner and if you brought your calculator you use to calculate your piece count at your factory, you can be an even cheaper whiner if you can figure the 10% off that price to the nearest tenth. Good deals, good booze, clean hands, and mold-free Roquefort, sounds like Whiner’s Paradise to me.

Keep yourself safe through these trying times and when you feel justifiably disinfected, come on down and partake of the clearance sale now happening at The Warehouse. Prescriptions don’t just get prescribed at Milford Apothecary. Come buy what the doctor ordered at prices that won’t make you regurgitate and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Gang, stay safe. Follow the Center for Disease Control guidelines to the best of your ability. Don’t underestimate this one. That and common sense and I like the odds. God bless you all.

 

CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!! SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!! SPLASH!!!!!!!!

“You know you could have used a step-ladder. There’s one in the closet. Now we have to mop up all this Captain Morgan Spiced Rum. We might have a few bottles before the store opens.”

 

 

In Dr. Pearl’s office one day

“Heeeerrreeee, Gil, I have some more crack in my fiilllllleeeee cabinetttttt. You oughta try someeeeee.”

“No way. I tried that in the Marines. Did push-ups with my ears buzzing all day. Did you ever get Chris’ girlfriend’s transcript FedEx’d here?”

 

 

 

March 25, 2020

In Which Chris Schuring Indicates How Much We Still Care About This Plot

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That, or he’s just finished watching a Get Smart marathon.

I’ll admit I’m not much of a TV watcher anymore. Outside of baseball season, it’s mostly nature shows on BBC America or an oldie on Turner Classic Movies for me.  So I’ve gotta hand it to astute TWIMer franku2016 who noted in yesterday’s comments:

This entire plot was on a Modern Family episode a few years ago with a GPA tie between Alex and her academic rival Sanje, and yes, they started dating, much to the dismay of Sanje’s old-world parents.

Despite being on the air for over a decade, Modern Family has flown completely under my radar, so I had to look it up. For those of you who were as clueless about it as me, this show features Ed O’Neill (better known to some of us as would-be patriarch Al Bundy in the 1990s sitcom Married with Children) as would-be patriarch Jay Pritchett. Part of Pritchett’s extended family includes son-in-law Phil Dunphy. A real estate agent, Phil often finds himself losing business to his arch-rival… Gil Thorpe.

Gentle readers, this cannot be mere coincidence, can it? All I know is I’m gonna start checking Modern Family plot summaries for comparison from now on.

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Now that that another installment of “teenchy Is Old and Out of Touch” is out of the way, let’s focus on what’s happening here. It looks like basketball season will be coming to a blessed end this weekend. Chris seems to think the school year will be, too, or at least the spring will do nothing to change the current academic rankings. Alexa’s dislike for him still holds true regardless of the sensitivity of his sarcasm detector. Chris’ altruism comes off to her as condescension if not something even less benign. I don’t think these two are becoming a couple anytime soon, but if this part of the plot continues into the next arc (think True/Boo from a few years back) it’s not out of the realm of possibility.

 

 

 

 

March 7, 2020

Snitchin’ to Rollins

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We’ve come to that time in just about every Gil Thorp arc in which Rubin realizes he hasn’t paced worth a damn and he has to cram a week’s worth of action into a single strip and starts rushing the plot ahead without filling in the details. If this was football season we’d call it the two minute drill, but since it’s basketball season let’s call it throwing up treys and fouling. It’s late in the day and I know most of you TWIMers have probably seen today’s strip already, so I’m gonna rush through this much as Rubin did. Okay? Okay!

P1: I know that AP Chemistry midterm must be hard but, come on, it’s nothing to lose your head over! Maybe this isn’t AP Chem but American Lit and that kid under the first dialog box is acting out “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.”

P2: Neither the Milford boys nor the girls are making the playdowns ’cause they don’t score enough, so let’s sweep these games under the rug, shall we? Boy, that Marcell Irby sure is lanky!

P3: DeMarco is dropping in on Steve Harvey Mr. Rollins who, I’m assuming, is the AP Chem teacher. Couldn’t tell from that poor excuse for a periodic table behind his head. We know he’s gonna dime out Schuring; what we don’t know yet is how Schuring’s gonna get his name cleared. Something tells Gil will intervene (heaven knows he hasn’t been busy coaching) and Schuring’s word will be taken because athlete. Then we get a throwaway panel or two telling us why DeMarco’s had beef. Maybe Teddy has a low self opinion.

 

Then Alexa and Chris walk down a hallway, then it’s on to baseball. Hang on for the thrilling conclusion, folks!

February 27, 2020

In Through The Out Basket

Filed under: actual action, basketball, big arms, Tilden — tdrewhardin @ 9:08 am

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What a way to jumpstart Alexa’s basketball career, trying to guess who shot the Chips Ahoy! cookie that’s clanging off the M.C. Escher goal. Gang, are you as befuddled as I am trying to figure out if we’re looking DOWN at the goal or looking UP at it?

Then, as if our retinae are not damaged enough from basketball goal-gazing, we’re really not sure WHO SHOT COACH SHAW. I’m also wondering who shot the ball but at this point, Thorpiverse might lead you to think that the same culprit engineered both capers. And for once, I agree with Thorpiverse. Nothing is real and something to get hung about. Only in Thorpiverse.

Well, I guess we’ll never get to the bottom of the former; after all, Coach Shaw goes out through the in strip and vice versa. Keeping up with him, well, that’s like trying to figure out how Hanna-Barberra makes that pterodactyl talk when it’s operating Wilma’s washing machine. A lost cause and futile, where’d be the first place you’d look? In through the out gym? In through the out football practice field? Just keep watching The Flintstones. You might catch someone behind Fred’s recliner prompting the pterodactyl.

Anyhoo, we still haven’t figured out who clunked the out cookie. IT’S ALEXA you say. THIS IS THORPIVERSE I say. Granted, it’s not possible Susan Willcox-Olson-etc. could be the one laying the bricks after she shot lights out weeks ago and took charge while Mimi went in through the out bathroom door and never came back out but let’s not start throwing around assumptions around here. That’s how easy victories turn into the fight of your life. Poor preparation and inverted rims will do that to you.

And after a thorough once-over, we’re confident it’s not Phoebe Keener as she’s assumed the role of player-coach and has more on her plate than jacking up in-outer’s that wind in the next panel. She didn’t clunk her way into player-coach the way Mimi clunked her way out and Mimi didn’t have to shoot a basketball, she shot her foot well enough.

So, OKAY OKAY, it’s Alexa who’s trying to be a scoring machine and didn’t help her cause with that bonker in space. It just annoys me that if you see a ball miss the mark, we’re to assume the lead character was the one who pulled it off. Hey, as long as we don’t see the shooter, for all we know, Granny Clampett or Gilligan could have shot it without anyone looking. Mr. Ed sneaking one off the ball rack at a 20-second time-out? It could happen.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Confusion Reigns At The Milford Lounge Over Led Zeppelin’s Album!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We couldn’t tell who was getting drunker in the photo shoot on the album sleeve, Gil or Bonham.”

 

She is rising to the occasion. She is overcoming adversity and answering all the critics who said she wasn’t all that. Hey, the only time “Success” comes before “Work” is in the dictionary. No guts, no glory. When the revolution is complete, the landowners will no longer charge usury at The Bucket. Okay, I got a little carried away but I’m fired up about Phoebe’s coaching potential. All she needs now is the playbook. And the clipboard and Magic Marker. I believe Mimi left them in the glove compartment.

Well, we’ll never know if Phoebe succeeded selling Amway Medicated Shampoo Orange Blossom Scent and/or got 15 Mudlarks to show up at an Amway meeting that was held at the gym (was going to get SOME usage out of it. Basketball didn’t seem to be a priority) so that she would one day be at the top of the Triangle. She’d be further than Mimi who was in a Turing fan belt in Gil’s pickup.

What we DO KNOW is that Alexa has upped her game, making a nice little sky hook over 2 defenders who are helpless to stop it. Hey, she gettin’ some game. This is arguably about the most positive we’ve seen in a Thorpiverse concept since Hadley V. left town. Yeah, Alexa’s brightening the gym by ENTERING it unlike Hadley V., especially with the skills Alexa is displaying. She is proving she doesn’t have to bulldoze the opponent in order to play like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

The only glitch is the one defender who wears Nike High Tops at a 45 degree angle attempting in vain to stop Alexa in a Kareem moment. I know we are deluged in M.C. Escher today but I always thought his illusions were mainly up/down and not side to side. Pretending she is guarding Alexa by sliding her feet but are really nailed to the floor. If that be the case, her Nike’s share something in common with this plot. Going somewhere but running to stand still. Didn’t U2 sing that?

I wonder if Escher played basketball. Did he use those rims? Gotta start an artistic career somewhere.

 

SIX MONTH SUSPENSION

No Coach!!!! No Coach!!!! No Coach!!!!

SIX MONTH SUSPENSION

Please Coach!!!! Please Coach!!!! Please Coach!!!!

SIX MONTH SUSPENSION

Ditch this plot!!!! Ditch this plot!!!! Ditch this plot!!!!

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

 

 

“Phoebe, don’t you think Alexa’s suspension is a little harsh?”

 

Okay, you whippersnappers, digging into the past, “Where’s Huddles?” was a pilot show about a football player who’s also a family man whose neighbor, Bubba McCoy, also played on the same football team as Huddles. It was Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble in shoulder pads. They and their teammate, Freight Train,  form a trio, The Offensives, after Huddles has aspirations of grandeur, especially when they see a player they play against go on TV and show that he was more image than talent as this player’s singing voice leaves a lot to be desired.

The hitch is that their coach, a rough cutout of Mr. Slate (the voice, ironically the voice of Fred Flintstone, Alan Reed) , has threatened to severely punish anybody who moonlights because moonlighting, to the coach, undermines a player’s performance on the football field.

But they could be violating copyright laws. Gil and Mimi have been performing as The Offensives for 60 years.

 

At the Milford Comedy Club

“…what do I look like, an alligator who ran over a zebra to get the easy bucket?”

SIX MONTH SUSPENSION

“I still have 4 fouls left.”

SIX MONTH SUSPENSION

 

Are you in for a treat today. We have banners that look like ABM missiles and could REALLY shove people out of the way, not just players, should someone use scissors and cuts one of the cords. Anything to wake Alexa up and make her realize she got game.

Then, as our eyes are already overloaded from trying to surmise which end of the rim is up, we are overwhelmed with topsy-turvy rafters. Don’t hang on one of those things. A reader could turn the panel upside-down and you’d be eternally falling in some chasm. You might be free from the Cycle of Life but I’ve never known anyone to reach Nirvana heading in the wrong direction. It’s a lot easier heading down The Grand Canyon on a mule.

And with players that defend as if trying to prove a congruent triangle through Side-Angle-Side, we got the whole package in P2.

If yore daddy gave ya an 8-track player ta play “All My Love” and the rest uv Led Zeppelin that he tore outta his 4-wheel-drive by turnin’ the 4-wheel-drive upside down with the use of chains and the floor jack, ya might be a redneck.

 

Gang, I remember the movie “The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance” where Jimmy Stewart is reminiscing about John Wayne, who was Stewart’s protectorate against Liberty Valance (played by Lee Marvin) , a renegade rogue who terrorizes the typical western town in part because the sheriff is a marshmallow. Finally, bristling at some reporter’s question, Stewart utters “Now who’s giving the interview?”.

In P3, I feel like asking “Who’s doing the coaching?” Might as well be Liberty Valance. If he is indeed, Alexa might turn INTO another Liberty Valance. With Mimi playing the part of that chickenpoop sheriff, Alexa will be shootin’ Tilden players off the rafters if they haven’t been inverted into The Black Hole. And 11 points and 11 rebounds to boot. Hard to believe she only had 4 fouls. But with Liberty as a coach, those were probably the only ones they counted. At sometime, ya gotta call it when the Tilden player gets her head blown off even if Valance is pointing a six-shooter at your person.

“Can I have some more pancakes? And can you pour some Aunt Jemima on them?”

“Mimi, get your ass back on the court or hand in your badge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

And, Gang, players DO NOT look at the stat sheet after the game because they know the only stat that matters is The Final Score.

But with Phoebe having the keys to the gym, how can it be a mystery how she got the stats in the first place. Just put it back in Mimi’s office when you’re done. Mimi needs it later for wallpaper.

 

The final installment, reluctantly so, in Black History Month is Tracy Chapman, a very successful Folk-Rock musician who has made her mark and then some.

A multi-Grammy winner, including songs such as “Fast Car” and “Give Me One Reason”, and her smash hit album, “Tracy Chapman” plus nominated for “Crossroads” and “New Beginning”, she has a way of making music that gets right to the heart of the matter. Poignant lyrics, shrewdly-crafted melodies, she keeps you hopping with enjoyment. And she does it with a flair that rubs off on you, compelling you to carry out her message. She has performed the world over and has only gotten better as the years have rolled by. I have always liked her videos as they often give a stark reality on life but many times she offers a light at the end of the tunnel. A troubador with a powerful persona, please join me in saluting a fine lady who is a credit to the world around her and makes that world a better place to live.

 

 

“…and that was the Mudlark String Quartet performing ‘Fool in the Rain’, Robert Plant on vocals and Mimi Thorp, the virtuoso on the viola. We’ll be back with more Milford Symphony Orchestra Performs Led Zeppelin through a generous grant from NPR Radio and Milford Foundry after these messages. This is WDIG-Radio, where Beethoven meets ‘When The Levee Breaks’.”

 

“Boy o boy, that’s one heck of a concert. I can’t wait until they play ‘Rock and Roll’. I understand the kettledrums have a killer solo.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse and our Food Court promotion went over so well, the good people at The Warehouse felt it only right to reward you with some more goodies.

Right now until March 14th, The Warehouse is staging Mix and Match on all your favorite liquors and fast food. But hold your horses and your beer, they’re throwing in an extra incentive that’ll keep your checks still attached to your checkbook. For every combo from your favorite food outlet AND a purchase of at least $10 on your liquor, The Warehouse will sell you a Commemorative Coin of Yours Truly with my favorite saying ‘If you can’t run with the Big Dogs, get out of my garage” for only $19.95. Folks, that’s a $79.95 value, not counting the six-pack of Falls City.

Now you know what good eatin’ is when you have that coin in your coin changer while snarfing on Long John Silver’s 68-Piece Jumbo Shrimp and Bombay Sapphire Gin in the 2-Liter plastic bottle. And paying without having to use 2 Milford Teacher’s Federal Credit Union Visa cards makes the shrimp go easier down your throat.

Or maybe you want to save the Coach Thorp Commemorative Coin till later to nail in the den next to the family portrait but still want your Wendy’s Baconator with Cheese washed down by Cafe Rumba Liqueur. Shoot, The Warehouse won’t charge you an arm and a leg to fork over the $25.99. You can even take the doggie bag out the door and the alarm won’t go off. Not for the food anyway.

And some of you may have seen enough of me that seeing my profile rubber-stamped out of U. S. Mint can be redundant. I understand. That’s why The Warehouse also has a 106-coin set available of all the 50 states and all the National Parks in our country. And all you have to do is purchase 2 30-Packs of Busch Light. Doggone it, I’ll give the cashier a Ben Franklin and tell him to keep the change if I can get a 2 cold mountains, some Whoppers, and a quarter with Rhode Island printed on it. I’ll give South and North Dakota to Jaime and Keri.

Come on down and see some more deals before they shut Milford Mines for some more coinage and get a slice of Big Macs and Yellowstone. And with an Old Milwaukee, the only thing that could make it any better than that is if the Swedish Bikini Team walked through the turnstiles. Come see how much better and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, you’re the best. I still wonder how 4 fouls can be a helpful stat but you’re the best.

 

Mimi entering the gym one day

“Did I miss anything, Phoebe?”

SIX MONTH SUSPENSION

 

“Gil, there’s rumors floating around that you have Commies listed on your roster. Any truth to them?”

“No, Ralph.”

“Huh?”

“No.”

“Huh?”

“No.”

“Huh?”

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!. Look, our team is stocked with full-blooded Americans. We may have a melting pot but they swear by Red White & Blue.”

“That’s not what I heard. My sources tell me you have a Viet-Cong guerilla disguised as your point guard.”

“My point guard? Schuring is as Mom and apple pie as you can get. He’s the last person who’d pledge allegiance to the Hammer and Sickel!!!!!!!!”

“Sure. And they have a Commerative Coin of Benedict Arnold for sale in Reader’s Digest. Did you ever see part of The Everglades named after him? Huh?

“No…”

February 26, 2020

Not An Exhibition(ist) Game

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Unlike Dan Reeves, Alexa wants to let ’em see her sweat – and bang bodies, too – but doesn’t want to let ’em see her score? If you went by dialog alone you might this was an outtake from Eyes Wide Shut. This is no orgy, at least not on the scoreboard and not at the moment.  Assistant Head Coach Phoebe Keener is about to change all that.

Nice to see Mimi has given up on coaching Alexa since effectively abdicating that role to Phoebe last week. This is painfully apparent during the timeout. So the Milford girls have one (student) coach for one player and one for the rest of the team? Marty Moon should’ve noticed that and ran with it like a preschooler with a pair of scissors.

Mimi has lost control of the Lady Mudlarks and Rubin has lost control of this plot. It’s been two weeks since we’ve seen Chris Schuring and over a month since we’ve seen the boy hoopsters; can any of them get this thing back on the rails?

February 1, 2020

Alexa ist Deflatermaus

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Nothin’ but action to take us into February, so let’s get to breakin’ it down.

P1: The Milford boys come out to cheer on the Milford girls and show off their nose-picking techniques. Left to right: the “Flying Fickle Finger of Fate,” the “Little Jack Horner,” and the discreet “Raiding the Booger Vault While I Pretend to Cough.”

P2: Those are some freaky hands but not gonna lie, that’s a pretty good drawing of someone stuffing someone else’s shot. Compare these examples from a Wisconsin-Purdue game and Freeport-Yarmouth high school game in Maine.

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Right?

P3: The fun is about to come to a crashing halt as Alexa dislocates her right leg (this has been a running theme this season) in an attempt to trip up the Valley Tech defender. Can Alexa catch Phoebe’s pass, make the shot and break the tie before she collapses to the floor, writhing in pain? Check back a few hours after the end of the Super Bowl…

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