This Week in Milford

March 23, 2017

Gil once begat Keri and, uh, some other kid

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“Seriously? With us? Haven’t we spent the last eight years or so removing any evidence that children once lived in this house?”

Maybe Mimi’s not as keen on having a live-in boy toy pool boy as we previously speculated. Fact is, I’m not even sure that’s the Thorps’ house, as a quick ‘n dirty search of the archives doesn’t conclusively show that they live in a split-level. Nonetheless I get the feeling that we’re going to be denied that long-awaited retcon of Gil and Mimi’s kids.

Dodging that bullet Gil, now pissy-faced for ever having taken that bait from Aaron, shows him the door. Maybe Aaron can walk through it and shout out what was just discussed to his teammates same as he did yesterday. Tune in tomorrow when Marty Moon finds a new boarder in his mom’s basement!

metapost: Completely unrelated but it’s nice to see Mr. Bakst giving back to his adopted community.

March 11, 2017

Come for the Gun Show, Stay for the Hypotheticals

Filed under: big arms, Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, hideous scar faces, Milford Weirdos — teenchy @ 12:02 pm

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I know Kaz is on record as regretting getting his tat, but if it has the power to migrate from one arm to the other, it must be pretty special. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t had it removed. Not sure what’s got Gil lathered up more: Kaz’s gun show, his own puny bicep curls, or memories of Hobart, Bill “Wildcat” Maris or some other pains in the ass on the Booster Club/School Board who’ll try to meddle in his efforts to help Aaron get those three squares he so desperately needs.

After the workout it’s off to the shiny halls of Milford High, where Gil and the COUNSELOR continue to speak obtusely past each other about Tina Aagard. Maybe Tina’ll get some dinner (if not some jail time) out of the deal, too.

February 22, 2017

A Linebacker In Short Pants

Filed under: ?, basketball, big arms, Coach Kaz, Milford Weirdos — timbuys @ 10:01 am

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Panel 1: I almost want to run the color version of today’s strip as the electric blue over black shirt under with tie look is quite a striking look on Kaz.

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Oh yeah… Don’t even ask me what is going on with Kaz’s collar or how he knotted his tie.

Panel 2: Julius needs to layoff the Nutboyz and the Freezi Bombs if he wants to look good in those short pants.

Panel 3: Mike and Ken really should keep this thing to themselves rather than just blab on and on in the locker room. Their fixation on Aaron is starting to get rather unhealthy it seems…

February 9, 2017

Sherlock Plays the Dozens

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“Is your mom still an… um… is your mom still so fat her ass got two zip codes?”

So this is it – the start of the big reveal (well, besides the big reveal that Aaron Aagard’s Molly is a girl, not the recreational drug) that will tell us what’s truly behind Aaron’s inconsistent play. Mike Granger couldn’t start it off any more awkwardly. Sure, let me start talking about my plan to pump Aaron for mom info out loud in this shiny tiled echo chamber where Aaron’s already sitting. I can already see this devolving into a poorly played game of The Dozens.

“Mike, you’re so stupid you can’t even remember what I told you Aaron’s mom did for a living a couple of days ago.”

“Ken, your mama’s the judge, not you, so shut the hell up. So Aaron, is your mom still an actuarily?”

“Sort of. She lost her actuary job, though.”

“Oh. So your mom’s so poor she can’t even pay attention?”

“Nah. She still plays the numbers. That’s why I help her… by shaving.”

“Oh. So your mom’s so hairy, you shave her with a weed whacker.”

“No. I shave points so Milford can’t cover the spread.”

“Oh. So your mom’s like chunky peanut butter: greasy, full of nuts and easy to spread…”

 

January 17, 2017

Is Marty Holding A Pencil Or A Stylus?

Filed under: actual action, basketball, big arms, freak hands, Marty Moon, Pantheon of Hair — timbuys @ 7:16 am

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Putting quadruple-A in for a Pantheon of Hair nomination now that it’s clearly the case that its posture is proportional to his perceived performance.

I tried, and failed, to line up all of the high fives with the arms in panel three. Nevermind that, however, because what is the deal with AAAA’s left arm? I think this is the first time I’ve used the ‘big arms’ tag but there it is.

December 31, 2016

Up and Downsville

Filed under: actual action, basketball, big arms, Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp — robmize2013 @ 3:13 pm

A few years ago I was at a local town meeting about some issue, and my neighbor down the street stood up and said “I dont want to have the last word but…” but he did as nobody else spoke and the meeting adjourned. Well it looks like I have the last word for 2016.

The Downsville Eagles are a real high school team in Downsville New York, so the Larks either boarded a plane or else that bus smelled pretty raunchy from the long trip with unis on. Hopefully Aaron stayed for the New Years party at Times Square after the game; I know all-nighters are a thing for him so why not practice what you’re good at? Maybe Ryan Seacrest needs the night off and AA can host.

Then they play boring ol Tilden in the Valley and AA is back to his C game. Coaches cant figure it out; the answer will be revealed by May, but already if you’re not fed up with looking at this weirdo you’re in the minority.

And yeah he scored 18 blah blah but did they win? I know plenty of guys who scored a lot and their teams were under .500 for their career. Pete Maravich in the NBA was a great example. In his 8 full seasons his team had 1 winning record. One. And LSU never made the NCAA tourney while he was scoring 44 points a game for 3 seasons. Yes I know it was harder back then to make the field but still, winning basketball is more then 1 guy racking in all the points. Wilt always outscored Russell but who had more rings? You think I didnt get tired of watching Michael score 35 a game for the Bulls and go 0-9 in the playoffs before he figured out if he shared the ball they’d win more? 6 banners in the United Center tell that tale.

Yeah good thing Paul Beaudry got hot. Why are the coaches worried about who scores how many? I had said before that defense is more important anyway in hoops. With those wings AA should be blocking shots like Akeem the Dream or Ewing  back in the day. Thats what you do when the shots arent falling. But he gets alligator arms like in the commercial with the check on the table.. and I can see him enjoying that duck too!

November 30, 2016

Are The VT Players Attacking Her Because She’s A Girl Or Is It Because She Is Terrible?

Filed under: ?, actual action, big arms, football, Milford Idiots — timbuys @ 11:25 am

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It could be both I suppose.

Aside from that, I’m rather flabbergasted that Milford’s tactic is to put in a player who has been shown to be unable to compete on the assumption the defense will target her at the expense of their normal assignments, thereby allowing Austin Shuford a clear path to the end zone. However, I have to admit that it certainly seems to have worked.

October 22, 2016

Backing Up (Like a Dump Truck)

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Kevin Pelwecki may not have a poster of the right guard on his wall, but does he have Groucho Marx and Chuck McCann in his medicine cabinet?

Here we were for the past couple of days remarking on how this strip portrays football positions in dialog balloons as abbreviations and wondering whether Milfordians pronounced them as abbreviations, and now here are kids sounding out the full name of each position. In so doing The Secret Pelwecki shows himself to be yet another in a very long line of Milford Idiots who want nothing more than to be the defensive lineman right guard center of attention. I blame reality television.

Then – hey y’all, look! It’s a rare Coach Shaw spotting – and with more lines than just about ever. He’s setting us up for the fifth-string QB‘s transition into the third-string TE. Kaz, however, has had enough of his talk. By doing an end-around to snatch Coach Shaw’s MATT mug, Kaz asserts his dominance over Coach Shaw and maintains his status as beta male on the Milford sidelines.

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