Kaz Has More Balls Than Joe…

… and that’s all I have to say about that.

Seriously, what kind of bullshit rationale is that for joining the team?  What can Kaz and Gil expect out of this kid Joe?  With such a short attention span, who’s to say Bolek won’t wander off just when the Mudlarks need him to punt a ball away? He can’t even be bothered to stick around to see the end of the game. (Here’s where I break the fourth wall for a moment to ask TWIM‘s unofficial SID billytheskink how many times we’ve been shown a Milford football game without knowing who won.)

I could be bothered to supply a rationale for Joe – for example, he’d seen enough of Milford’s bad, non-Sam Finn punting to know that the team needed him – but why should I come up with an excuse for him? He’s gonna need enough excuses for himself when his teammates stuff him in a locker for not coming out and busting his hump in practice from the beginning of the season.

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Now, This Punting Tutorial Belongs to the Ages

Gang, this is gettin’ kinda silly. Y’know, when Babe Ruth called his shot in the 1932 World Series, he wasn’t in the 28th row in the stands at Yankee Stadium (conceding that Called Shot was actually at Wrigley Field, lay off, Cub fans-ha) with a group from the New Jersey Chapter of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union (“It’s Prohibition Night and all Ladies & Gentlemen displaying their “Just Say ‘No’ To Bud” proudly on their lapel anywhere above the waist will go through the turnstiles free and receive 1/2 off all Dr. Pepper, Grape Nehi, and Yoo-Hoo! drinks and Cracker Jack products and can even keep the prize”), not that that was the wisest move to make given his track record on booze, hob-nobbing about how to go yard. Yeah, Ladies, burn the Lite Beer from Miller operation somewhere in the woods on Staten Island and watch the ball all the way to the bat. Luckiest man alive, George Herman.

And great comparison, Joe, with the Rocky flicks. Really, you raise a good point. Like “Rocky”, if you’ve seen one kick, you’ve seen them all. Apollo Creed can only kick in so many different styles. His James Brown’s “Get Up, I Feel Like Being a Sex Machine” technique isn’t so innovative after the 1000th kick.

And I’ve seen infomercials better than this. Oh, c’mon, when you can’t sleep and you’ve tried counting sheep or you’re on your 13th Sominex or you sit in the recliner chair playing some New Age rendition by Enya or Michael Oldfield or Andy Summers after he broke off from The Police (New Age, trust me) or “La Sagrada Familia” from Alan Parsons off of “Gaudi” or (BTW, I checked, Meat Loaf’s Bat out of Hell didn’t qualify) even a bit- bluesy-but-could-stay-within-the-limits stuff such as Earl Klugh or Jon McLaughlin, even with the latter playing at an RPM faster than the normal rate (still love it) , and YOU STILL CAN’T SLEEP, whaddya do?

Time’s up

TURN ON THE TV

 

“Are you tired of not being able to kick a simple Nerfball out of your back yard? Wouldn’t you like to boom one straight from your living room to the top of the Empire State Building in Milford? Well, now you can and Joe Bolek can show you how.

Joe was in your shoes. Everytime he got mad and tried to kick the cat, he wound up on the deck, missing a Persian or a Siamese or even Garfield by a mile. Other times, he hit a jaguar that had been given up for adoption from a tenant at the Milford Senior Living Condo and, man o man, did he have to run the 50-yard dash ASAP just to escape the Milford Humane Society building.

Joe decided enough was enough and learned from the best. He spent hours and hours secluded in the monastary in St. Meinrad, Indiana, only consuming 2 slices of bread and a glass of water every 12 hours watching video after video observing how the great ones do it. From Ray Guy to George Blanda, Chris Gardocki to Mike Eischeid, Garo Yepremian to Joe Danelo,  Joe got better at backing up his talk, spending hours, when he wasn’t attending Matin or Nones or Vespers, in the Indiana cornfields mastering his craft, learning all the secrets in the bargain. Now Joe wants to share those secrets with you.”

 

“Here he is, give our hero a warm welcome, won’t you?”

“Hey, gang!!!!!!!!!!”

HI!!!!!!!!!! JOE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Gang, I wanna show you that YES, YOU TOO can kick a game-winning 73-yard field goal like Tom Dempsey and you don’t need half a foot like him to do it. But in order to show my excellent techniques, I need a volunteer from the stands. Yes, you, ma’am, come on down and let’s kick some A, whattya say?

A lady with a walker hobbles 15 rows down the steps, aided by a couple of gentlemen, more than likely her sons. They remove her oxygen tank.

“All right, you’re lookin’ good, I thought you were my girlfriend for a second. I can tell you make liberal use of Pond’s Medicated Creme. And, boy, Revlon’s in the family heirloom WOW!!!!!!! DOUBLE WOW!!!!!!!!! So what’s your name?”

She reels back momentarily, flattered by his demagoguery

“Gertrude DeWindt.”

“Yo, Gang, I think we have some family among us, don’t you?”

SURE LOOKS THAT WAY JOE

“So any relation to Pete?”

“Why yes, he’s my grandson and I remember when he kicked a winning 5-yarder in Milford Pee Wee League Football and we treated him to a Peanut Buster Parfait at the Milford DQ after the game, he just LOVED peanut butter in his ice cream-”

“Ooooooooookkkkkkkk, Mrs. DeWindt, let me present to you how you kick this pigskin right through the uprights that Carol Merrill is holding in front of Door #3. By the time I’m done with you, you’ll be in demand by all the NFL teams. You’ll be able to buy out the Revlon factory with the money you’ll be earning plus what’s behind Door #3. Are you ready to change your life forever?”

“Sure.”

“AWWWWWWWRRRRRRIIIIIGGGGHHHTTTTT HERE WE GO. Ya gotta swing your foot as if fire ants were up your dress, that’s it, swing that foot and limber up, now next, keep your head down and DON’T LOOK UP UNTIL YOU’VE MADE CONTACT. Whattya think, audience?

SHE’S POSING LIKE ‘THE THINKER’ JOE

“Sure does. Rodin couldn’t have sculpted any better. NOW aim the center of your foot toward the center of pigskin that Johnny Olson is holding on the tee and kick with all ya got in ya. Do you want me to hold your dentures? Your son will hold ’em for ya. Fair enough.”

As son stashes them in the rear of his Bermuda shorts

Gertrude is aided by mini-stage twirling in a tarantella, if it were a record, “Feelings” would sound like “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida”, she is swinging, swinging, swinging, makes bulls-eye target with the football, the pigskin is true through the uprights…

“SEE I TOLD YOU GANG MY PATENTED TECHNIQUES WORK!!!!!!!!!!!”

YOU SURE DID JOE

After the cue card rudely tells the audience to settle down and shut up

“Now let’s see what’s behind Door #3.”

 

 

 

 

I have written about these people before but the Austin, Indiana Fuel Mart deserve another shout-out because they treat the customer like royalty. And, gang, do they have the goodies. Lotsa chips, candy bars, hot dogs, cheeseburgers, not to mention the sodas and bottled waters a-plenty and a table full of Little Debbie’s at discount prices. They have ALWAYS treated me like a king and they will afford you the same courtesy, believe me. How they pack so much stuff in a little store, well, that’s a pleasant problem if you ask me. If you’re in the neighborhood (just off I-65) , get your gas and snacks in the same place and be on your way. Makes sense to me. Support Small Business, gang. Take care of those that know you by name. They know mine.

 

 

In response to a sign I saw the other day from an apartment complex in Anywhere, USA, advertising its place with a special incentive emanating from one of its signs “Small Pet Friendly”

“Ohhhhhhh, Marty, I had a great time but what are we going to do with the white rhino? He’s just completely ruined the shower stall. Then he smothered 3 kids playing kickball in the cabin over in the next lot.”

“Damn, Peaches, don’t look at me. The instruction manual said they would grow in 6-8 weeks.”

“Marty, we’ve only had the cabin for 1 week.”

After 6 weeks of haggling and hashing out and taking the Lord’s Name in vain more than necessary in an injury case but FINALLY engineering an out-of-court settlement between Marty Moon (“defendant”) and Mudlark Lake Resort Inc. (“plaintiff”) to everyone’s satisfaction (the latter represented by The Shark) via Marty willing to part with 1/2 an inheritance he received from a rich uncle who traveled with Dr. Livingstone in the jungles of Africa when his uncle wasn’t serving as President of Milford Mercedes-Benz)

“If rhinos have trespassed into your bathtub uninvited, call The Shark today at 1-FON-THE-JAWS. We’ll fight to get get you the money you deserve.”

“I had my right leg chewed off by my neighbor’s leopard who lives down the hallway from my apartment in Milford Luxury Suites. I found out that he’d been housebroken since he was a kitty but that no trainer was available to control the predator instincts,  something my neighbor failed to report to the landlord. The Shark attacked my neighbor and the leopard and it was roadkill when the dust settled (displaying $3,475,975,024,960, 847 check) . Thanks, Shark.”

“Did a baby elephant demolish your backyard patio verandah, Smokemaster grill included, and send several people, children, embroyos, etc., to Milford General Hospital for multiple injuries and deaths? Call The Shark today!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

Seen on The Bucket marquee

“Bucket Sampler

Spaghetti, Lasagna, Egg Plant Fettucine, 3-Bean Salad, Medium Drink (Mudlar-K-Choc-ola excluded), 2 Breadsticks, Parmesan Cheese included, 8.99

Pop quiz on the 16th-century Italian Renaissance this Friday-know how to spell ‘Titian’, ‘La epoca del penseroso della citta della Roma’, and ‘Arther Fonzarelli-The Fonz'”

 

“IT’S A TRIP TO MUDLARK LAKE RESORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mrs. DeWindt, your husband may be dead, but we’ve thrown in a Rent-a-Boyfriend of your choice direct from the Milford Senior Living Center. You’ll enjoy the Milford Transit Authority transporting you to that dream cabin and a courtesy oxygen tank, personally autographed by George Burns, that Carol Merrill is breathing through…”

 

 

 

This one’s for Crystal at the Edwardsville, Indiana Marathon(across the road from Edwardsville United Methodist Church, from either place you could run the 100-yard dash to I-64). She ALWAYS has a smile on your face and lets you know how much she appreciates your business which explains why the place is ALWAYS busy. The mechanics there are always hoppin’ as well as there are ALWAYS vehicles in the lot, waiting to be fixed. They do good work at a fair price, folks. Gang, unless you are in Timbuktu, swing on by and patronize this business. They have earned my respect, as well as several other peoples’ respect, to make things a hell of a better store.

Sure, we all shop at Wal-Mart. But you need to be somewhere where EVERYBODY knows your name. Crystal knows mine. Support small business. Keep America strong.

 

“And Seven Chinese Brothers have sent a booming kick straight into orbit. We have an Official’s Time-Out as the grounds crew is being sent to one of Jupiter’s moons, Io, to retrieve the ball. This will give me an opportunity to take a commercial break. Milford cuts into the lead with 7:24 remaining in the 3rd Quarter with the score, Tates Creek, 28, Milford, 17, you’re listening to Marty Moon, the voice of WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

Mr. Price has entered the office of the Milford Men’s Clinic.

Several minutes later, the secretary, unwilling to admit her sadistic pleasure at observing the poor, timid creature, meekly reading the April 2004 issue of “Family Circle”, trying to devour the article ‘How to Spread Mulch More Evenly on your Petunias in the ‘Hood of Milford'”

“May I help you?”

“Um, yes, perhaps you can. I’m here to see a doctor about my, well, let me express myself as best that I can, dearth of sexual fortitude. I am filled with a mortal disturbance that my wife continually calls me, how did she utter the words, oh, yes, ‘limpdick’.”

Ceasing her sadistic streak, once again becoming Donna Reed behind the sliding glass window

“No problem, Sir. It’s always good to come in for an oil change. You’ll be good as new comin’ out of the shop. We need you to fill out these papers.”

As the secretary hands Mr. Price  a clipboard with 27 sheets of homework. Peter Brady isn’t around to assist. Not even Peter’s snow jobs will get Mr. Price out of this one.

“I like how you filled out my Aflac Insurance Papers. Many secretaries skip the part on where I attended kindergarten. And thank you for mercifully skipping the part on how I get myself sexually pumped before bedtime (not willing to admit he humps a Cabbage Patch Doll) .”

“You still haven’t stated in the section on Sexual Activity how many times per week you’ve had sex with your wife. And we need to know if you’ve EVER had any extramarital affairs, Mr. Price.”

After putting himself through the meat grinder, Mr. Price has FINALLY reached the summit of Mt. Everest. He BS’d his way through the part on bondage tools (“I merely pretend I’m Roy Rogers and Dale Evans is The Dalton Gang”-none of that remotely true) and proudly turns in his Mona Lisa.

The secretary, sensing that much of this is sexaul malarkey, gets her revenge by foisting on Mr. Price another piece of paper.

A POP QUIZ

And this time, it’s unexpected.

“Have at it, Mr. Price. And take your time. There are no right or wrong answers. Respond the way you feel.”

Mr. Price, feeling like Bugs Bunny when Elmer Fudd is aiming his Uzi in Bugs’ rabbithole, is unsure where to begin. Thank God he has plenty of Papermates.

1)  When my wife sees me in my BVD’s, she creams all over the bed   A)  True  B)  False

2)  It’s a toss-up between my wife and my 3 basset hounds as to who’s more excited to see me  A)  True  B)  False

3)  I am deeply affected when I read in Archie Comix that Archie Andrew stopped in his jalopy in an alley behind Pop’s Choklit Shoppe and tells Jughead Jones that he’s breaking up with Veronica Lodge and has an interest in Jughead  A)  True  B)  False

4)  I share the same feelings when Jughead Jones tells Archie that he’ll stick to his hamburgers, thank you, and has no interest in women or men  A)  True  B)  False

5)  I am overwhelmed and share the same hurt when Midge tells Moose that he’s as erect as an unused garden hose  A)  True  B)  False

6)  If I were in a thong bikini at the Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club, my wife would be fighting off the other women when I’m up on stage boogieing to “Disco Inferno”  A)  True  B)  False

7)  I worry that my students in my 4th Period Greek and Roman Civilization class talk behind my back about my erectile problems concerning my wife  A)  True B)  False

8)  If I see Penthouse or Playboy or Oui displayed on the magazine racks up front at the Milford 7-11 during my lunch hour, I really fight the urge to buy one (or two or…) to heighten my awareness of the situation rather than call my wife where she works and arrange a quickie  A)  True  B)  False

9) The only intimate contact I make is when I feed the lambs Ensure Chocolate Delight at the Milford Petting Zoo.

10) I get sexual ecstasy from laying my soul bare on this Pop Quiz and am willing to tell my wife at home, after she was chewed out by her boss today at work, the same thing

“Well, as you perhaps might have surmised, my sexual station was quite in arrears. But thanks to the Milford Men’s Clinic, I was permitted to rediscover my inner Chi and gain newfound respect with my wife. I didn’t need to render the services of Peter Brady to, shall we say, Bullshit my way(First for everything, Mr. Price, Peter would be proud) through my saturnine erectile dysfunction. With treatment programs that work, my students have noticed my more congenial comportment since I have been able to GET IT ON (a load off his brain which can focus now on grading essays “Caesar’s Relationships with his Generals”)  with my wife at the 22nd hour of the day. Come try them today. You will not be disappointed.”

Comment away, gang. I remember a Major League baseball player, Alex Johnson, reputed to be somewhat sullen, being asked by a reporter “Alex, last year you hit 15 home runs but this year you’ve belted out 20 dingers. What’s the difference?”

“5.”

Kinda sorta how I wanted to answer P2.

 

Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer

“Police Raid Turns Up Giraffe In O.J.’s Apartment!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Simpson will have to pay $1000 fine and perform 100 hours of community service.”

Oh buddy you’ve got more then 2 problems

Panel 1 features 2 guys talking to each other while not looking at each other. And the paint scheme didnt go too well, so why the HELL are we wasting panel space on it?? 10 minutes of watching kids paint. Really scintilating television. I’m signing up for the Milford Channel asap. Then the cops show up. Boy thats a surprise. Blocking off a street for say, a block party, requires written approval from your local authorities. You cant just take a horse and stick it in the middle of a street. Hey, maybe I’ll block off Michigan Avenue for a protest tomorrow. How you think that’ll go? 10 minutes? Maybe 5.

Aaand back at football, the boys are stretching while Big Yellow Hair Guy finishes Gils sentence. They do that a lot in this strip. One person says something and the other one finishes the thought. How often does that happen in real life? My guess is –no kicker, and no punter, and the solution is– use a lineman to do both. They used to do that all the time in the pros. Paul Hornung was a punter as well as a halfback. Who was Joe Recichar? He held the NFL record for the longest field goal made, at 58 yards, until Tom Dempsey broke it with a 63-yarder. Recichar was a lineman for the Colts. (Dempseys record has since been broken) I once answered a trivia contest in the local newspaper regarding that fact, and had my name in the paper. Cool.

 

Oh let it go already!

Under pressure? Hey Gil, this is a qualifier for the Valley Juniors, whatever that is. So much pressure that they could’ve put a 1 down on every par 3 and no one wouldve blinked an eye. Hey, dont know why the cheaters didnt try that – they may have walked away with a special hole-in-one trophy.

I guess Gils message here is – its better to try and fail then to not try at all. An honorable stead indeed, but out of his mouth it sounds wishy-washy.

And then there’s Mimi in P3. How do you just ADD players who didnt qualify? There’s only so many spots, tee times, and groups in a tourney. Everyone else is SOL. And how dumb would it look now to just add them? Then the whole point of the qualifier is negated. Like letting every team in the college basketball tournament. What the hell is the regular season for if everyone makes the playoffs anyway??

And doing that would also negate Gils life lesson. And we dont want that to happen.

 

 

Oh for the love of Jay

 

So finally, Finally after we’re over the mess of Barry Bader and Dafne the reporter and Mrs. Bader and Kevin P annoying us even when he isnt trying to, and we think we’re in for a nice change of pace with a fresh story and new faces and summer stuff etcetera etcetera, (contract in Willy Wonka movie 1971) we get…………………………….this.

Jay Bhatia. Jay Bhatia?? This is what we’ve been waiting for? Its July 19. Everyones been out of school for a month and a half, and these 3 clowns are still dicking around the office, and the hallways, figuring out who’s gonna Start the next game?? We still HAVE a next game?? When the hell is the LAST game?

First of all how do you pronounce his name? Is is Basha, or Ba hasha, or Bay sha, or Ba Hay sha, or Bay tee ya? I couldnt even find that on Google.                                             Kaz saying he stopped by twice means – what the hell did you accomplish the first time Mister Coach? Oh, we’ll never find out. These guys have time to do everything but move along to the next season.

So Jays point is the pitching is the key to victory, not Kevins launch angles? What was all the time with Kevin spent for then? (See last sentence in 3rd paragraph). Here I thought Kevin was the straw that stirs the drink.

Then Gil tells Jay he’s starting the next game. You know what? In a normal high school team, there is a rotation. All the pitchers know ahead of time when its their turn. So only because of this random conversation, which took TWO trips to the office, Jay finds out he’s starting the next game. Against Oakwood. How many days until that game, Coach? Good thing Jay went twice – once wouldve led him to believe Gil was buying his Bobby Howry-like stat analysis. How many games is ‘With everyone else’?? 6? Real big sample size, Stat Boy. We havent had a storyline about just baseball in forever. Now we’re starting? On July 19??

Bottom line is Gil doesnt care about stats; he decides who pitches and thats that. Fine. But it looks like a way to get Jay out of the way so he can go back in the office and work on that lemonade for the last (only) week of summer whenever it comes.

In the meantime I’ve decided that Jays last name is pronounced – Ba Ha.

 

 

 

 

Happy Thorp Of July, Everyone!

Please enjoy the adult beverage of your choice in moderate moderation and set off lots of fireworks!

P1: Wouldn’t it be better to have, rather than a more or less anonymous character ask, someone like Ryan Von Auken poking holes in K-Pel’s aspirations?

P2: Sigh.

P3: Double sigh.

Edited to add the following as it looks like our Fourth will be washed out. I was at this show (one of two that night). It was incredible.

Edited to further add the following:

Great Moments In Milford Journalism

Are not depicted in the above. Please stay tuned in for the inimitable T. Drew Hardin’s commentary coming right up!

In the meantime, please feel free to fire away.

Minus points: Since when did Marjie adopt the poking out ear look?

Coaches Want Travelers And Campers

P1: About College ball… You’ve never come across as the scholarly type, so why not try out for the Central City Boxmakers? They play exhibition games for beer money and seem about on your level. Last I heard, Slim Chance was picking up cleanup innings in between gigs at local county fairs.

P2: Besides, coaches want kids who have enriched them over the years through the provision of free (amateur) labor and camp tuition. They especially like it when they’ve had the chance to groom these kids away from their parents. Then again, if anyone on the team could use some groomin’… Maybe at least buy you a scrunchy or something.

P3: And after an almost interminable lecture on the walk from the locker room to the field, none of this gets through to Kevin. I’m going to have to assume that Kaz has some bluetooth buds plugged in and is jamming out to the greatest hits the early twenty-first century has to offer.

Bonus Points: I award none today.