“I love the Delaware Wing-T. It is much better than ‘Cats.’ I’m going to run it again and again.”

Spiller invites Claxton to his place over to get hyp-mo-tized to fix a nonexistent problem. Teammates Serrano and Achebe come along for moral support, or material witness, or something.

Spiller brings Claxton out of his hypmotic state. Claxton is rested and ready. Satisfied with his results, Spiller is ready to leave. Can you imagine being so boring that you forget you’re in your own house?

Maybe Serrano will remind him, after raising the Whigham-required gratuitous finger. (Someone forgot to tell Serrano the correct phrase in Milford is “Ease up,” not “Hold up.”) What could be so crucial that Serrano needs to drag out this charade? Did Spiller forget to give Claxton a trigger word?

What word might that be? Have at it in the comments, gentle readers. Post title inspiration below.

You Can’t Make Chicken Salad Out Of Boyd Spiller

We’re deep in “teenagers are dumb and do dumb things” territory so I guess we have no choice but to suspend disbelief and see how this unfolds. Why Tevin feels the need to not only tolerate Boyd’s taunts but also encourage his schemes to fix a problem that doesn’t exist is beyond me.

What exactly is the goal of Spiller’s hypnosis? To get Tevin to tuck the ball and run whenever he sees an open receiver? Or to see nothing, thanks to the retinal damage done by staring at Boyd’s MagLite? Better to squawk like a chicken than squeal like a pig, which is what I think Boyd’s teammates are gonna do to him after this little parlor trick backfires.

Pantheon of Hair tag today for Tevin, whose ‘do is starting to reach Esquerita heights. Don’t know who Esquerita was? Time to find out!

Reading People Step One: Locate People

Dammit! I thought Boyd would be done reciting his listicle, but he hasn’t even started yet. We have now established that Left Guard Boyd Spiller is an annoying douche, but we’ve only seen small doses of douchery since we’re in whiplash story mode. No time to talk about Boyd as we smash cut to another table and an overhead announcement.

Chance Macy, who Gil has high hopes for, needs to get to The Main Office (how may offices are there?) Uh-oh, what has Chance done? Is is ketchup packet related. Perhaps some other condiment.

Today’s strip is a snooze. I think I’d rather hear how to read people.

These Random Words Will Somehow Be Meaningful Before This Plot Is Over

The challenge today, gentle readers, is to figure out how these statements – which, taken in isolation, sound nothing like how real people actually speak – will foreshadow some essential plot element during this story arc.

Tevin puts his all into Mudlark football and can’t see how Kianna is able to do the same for two sports. The fact that Tevin is whipped after just one practice may hint at a lack of conditioning on his part. Kianna hints that it’s because neither of her sports are contact sports. Yesterday she alluded to the use of energy drinks, opening the door to an unhealthy dietary angle.

Speaking of diets, Tevin is off to the cafeteria where he and some of his teammates snarf down all-white food. It kinda looks like the grocery store where Otto worked in Repo Man. The group includes beady-eyed Boyd Spiller who, like Tevin, has also been recently promoted to the varsity. Boyd has already established himself as mouthy and tactless, so why his teammates are acting like his recitation of some clickbait listicle will be as riveting as the Gettysburg Address is beyond me. Could be that his ability to read people won’t translate to an ability to read stunts or blitzes, leading to Tevin’s getting sacked and injured, which would tie back to Kianna’s comment about tackling.

Anyway, we have a while to figure this one out. Just file it in your collective memory bank for reference.

meta: Today is an unavoidably somber day in the US. I’m not going to bore you with stories of where I was twenty years ago today, or offer any kind of take on how our world has changed since then. You’ve had more than enough teenchy for one week. I will, however, leave a link to this story I read this morning. The section in which the former high school basketball star and young college grad decides to change his career tack from book publishing to corporate PR reminded me a bit of the Heather Burns story. One life among thousands lost – thousands whom we will remember today and for years to come.

One Short of a Foursome Again

At Casa Thorp, Gil quickly moves from leaning in behind Heather Burns before Mimi comes back into the living room delivering three Red Bull and vodkas. That ain’t all she’s delivering: with that crop top along with the less formal sweatpants with built-in camel toe, she’s bringing the fan service in on that same silver platter.

Before Heather loosens up and gets ready for this threesome, she has to drop the bombshell from the last threesome she had with Gil: that there was no such person as Carter Hendricks until two years ago. Before then, he was known as Jami Thorp Rupert Hall. No, he’ll end being someone else – Henry Carter or some such – who played for Boise Bridgewater Bemidji Ball State in his color-shifting rain jacket.

Now that that’s settled, can we wrap this up and give Heather her Milford Star by day, Milford Mudlark by night dual life ASAP? NFL preseason got fully under way tonight and so will high school football in a lot of places over the next couple of weeks.

What Happened to Janet?

So it’s now the
Milford Diner?
It’s no longer
Named for Janet?
‘Cause it must be
Janet’s Diner
There can’t be
one more in Milford

An old stomping
ground for Heather
Not like she
doesn’t know the place
And like a
chronic illness
there’s still
that snoop Maureen

So what’s up with
Marjie Ducey?
Does she have
the inside angle?
Did she get it
From Dale Parry?
‘Cause she didn’t
Interview her

Don’t you think
It’s kinda weird
That they’re talking
About work
When Heather has
no job offer?
It seems
so premature

“You say you
were an intern
Can you make
a cup of coffee?
See, I am
The top reporter
I’m not giving
up that title”

“So you’d better
find another role
Like selling
website ad space
You don’t see me
Coaching football players!
You should
Just stay in your lane!”

“Hey Ms. Ducey –
I mean ‘Marjie’ –
I’m not gunning
for your title
I’m just trying
to earn money
Since Coach Thorp
Ain’t payin’ bupkis“

“I have covered
boring meetings
Filled with all the
Self-important
Like that blowhard
Abel Brito
I think
I get the drift”

“Well alright,
then it’s settled
You can go case
the Country Club
I’ve heard that
There’s been gambling
And it’s not
the legal kind…”

“So if you break the story…
And we publish it
Under my byline…”

“I’ll pick up the next drink tab
and you can save some dough…”

Everybody Wins, Except the Readers

Putting up today’s post is more painful than watching Max Scherzer giving up a salami to a Padres reliever just up from the minors during his 7-run meltdown last night in San Diego. That means it’s pretty painful.

A lot of folks called this one, with both Zane and Abel getting a seat on the Milford Library Board either through board-packing or attrition. I’m not gonna waste a whole lot of brain cells trying to fill in the blanks to make this plot make any kind of sense. I will, however, point out that this is the weakest use of Thorpian persuasion for someone’s benefit we’ve seen in some time. Funny how quickly dude rolled over for Gil, especially after Gil told him in so many words that his grandson sucked at baseball.

Did anyone really think Zane’s run for the Board was anything other than symbolic, an effort to keep Abel from being able to gut the library’s funding and resources? Did anyone seriously think the kid was gonna have time to actually serve on the board, between having to study for classes to having to support his family working two jobs and, oh, yeah, to attempt to play baseball? Maybe Gil truly did, since he knew Zane, having only played his freshman and senior years, was no stud on the ball field and wouldn’t have any scholly offers coming his way. Nope, looks like the Milford Library Board is as high as Zane can reach, since his post-graduation prospects haven’t been mentioned at all.

Good thing Gil stuck his neck out for Zane like that. It’s not quite getting him re-accepted at State U after failing to stand up for him over a little thing with a butter knife, but a man’s gotta know his limits.

All summer long

It was 2021 his thoughts were short his hair was long

Caught somewhere between a boy and man

She was 17 but she was far from in between

It was summertime in northern Milfordland.

Zane was pitching part time

Washing floors had no time

That damn library board election went nowhere.

They didnt have no internet

But man they never will forget

The way Brito told Zane to comb his hair.

And Gil was drinking lemonade

Having cake with old man Abe

Making love in the library was Zanes favorite song.

Sipping coffee at Cantina

Not thinking bout graduation

Singing “Library Board Election” all summer long.