This Week in Milford

February 6, 2020

“‘The Invisible Player’ Will Not Be Seen Tonight So That WDIG May Present The Following Special, ‘Mudlark Basketball’.”

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“I’m in my own world when I put on my football helmet. How to drive, draw, and dish. How many quarters I’m going to need for my laundry at the Milford 24-Hour Laundromat and Tanning Clinic. How much Coppertone I’m going to need when I’m under the heat lamp while my Dickies work pants are going through the ‘rinse’ cycle. What piece I’m going to change into when the pawn reaches the 8th square after I’ve queened a couple other pieces when I’m playing Coach Thorp in his office. What to do when Coach Thorp takes the name of the Lord in vain and slams the chessboard on Kaz’s head, who’s been kibbutzing the match, and says I cheated when my pawn captured en passant. Sometimes competitive juices go a little overboard.”

“I understand, but how do you use a helmet in basketball?”

“Coach is still mad from the match and the refs understood. As long as I had medical clearance, I was good to go.”

 

Okay, so for the moment, I’m going to pretend that Hamlet is in a mini-soliloquy and that he is agonizing through another “To be or not to be” phase, overlapping through Alexa’s own troubling phase. I still think we oughta go back to basketball and if neither one is carrying out instructions that have CLEARLY been stated the last 3 weeks, then bench them and get somebody who WILL carry them out, but in Thorpiverse, all the world’s a basketball court and players are the actors.

“O Romeo, Romeo, where art thou, Romeo?”

“Working on a pick-and-roll with Mercutio. The Capulets have been packing it in so I need to establish my perimeter game then hit Mercutio or Benvolio down low when Potpan is overplaying me.”

 

If you need a place to live, check out Iroquois Gardens Apartments. This place has been PERFECT for doing this comedy blog. I can concentrate because of the great atmosphere and great furnishings. Nice to hit the microwave when I’m running dry on ideas. Factor in a super neighborhood with easy access to a lot of stores and restaurants and I’m the luckiest man alive. The cost is pretty darn affordable too. Sounds like excellent living to me. Head to the office and meet Melody Bland and Haley Strickland, great property managers, and their friendly staff and explore all the opportunities that they have in store. You won’t regret it.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everyone knows your name. They know mine.

 

WHAT IS THIS??????? What does he mean “inside my helmet”? I THINK the implication is that he is like Simon & Garfunkel’s tune “I Am a Rock” whenever he puts on the chin straps, doing what rocks do, i.e., nothing to attract or warrant attention. Both he and Alexa would be perfect in a church gravel parking lot if we’re going to go that far.

I just let the cars go by, I wouldn’t want to be like the asphalt or the cement mixer and do anything to make a spectacle of myself. The UPS truck can’t make deliveries to the church office if I don’t hold up my end of the bargain and look stupid and stony-faced. Let somebody else sign their John Henry with the Etch-a-Sketch pencil on the scanner they hand to you when somebody needs to sign off on the 10 packages of L’eggs being delivered to the church secretary. There’s no “I” in the word “Rock”.

 

Don’t make me shoot

I only want to rebound

I am shielded by the backkkkkk-board

Mimi won’t get off me

I’m happy to draw a charge

I’m sick and tired of this lousy wannabe sarge

I am a Rock

I am a Mudlark

 

And I THINK Chris has been molded by Gil into one of those “Set it and forget it” ovens we see at your friendly neighborhood department store all the time (Wal-Mart, Target, for example) . That would not be surprising. Gil has been in a “Draw the play then go play golf” mode for eons. Don’t lay your Stouffer’s 8-Servings Lasagna in the microwave, then expect Gil to be around when the beeper finally goes off after 16 minutes. If he has been an absentee landlord for basketball et al. longer than the USA Basketball team refusing their Silver Medals at the 1972 Olympics, what makes you think he’s going to be around when the lasagna finally cools off so that your tongue won’t get 3rd-degree burns from the heat? Don’t wait for him to take the first bite or pour Lawry’s Sea Salt all o ver the lasagna. Remember, you have 7 servings, assuming you served yourself. You can always feed the next-door neighbor and your dogs.

Therefore, once Chris does indeed put on his helmet and sets the oven on autopilot, I shudder.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE???? AND WHY IS CHRIS’ HELMET OVER BY THE 50-YARD LINE??????

“Gil, the wiring in his head went haywire. The ‘Set and forget it’ button was connected to the ‘defrost’ function’.”

“Damn, and I had a golf scramble this afternoon.”

 

I’ve set screens

A buttock deep and mighty

That none may penetrate

I have no need for shooting

Shooting causes pain

Five-footers and it’s free throws I disdain

I am a Rock

I am a Mudlark

 

First off, P2 has to display the most obvious crotch shot in quite some time. Boy, if you want to learn how to outline the Golden Gate Bridge at Milford School of Architecture & Design, you have to take baby steps. Learning how to draw Felix the Cat’s private parts is crucial to the final steps in engineering the amount of tonnage the cables will sustain in San Francisco rush hour traffic. Factor of safety means everything. Watching Wilma Flintstone bend over when she’s loading the dryer ran by some talking pterodactyl will go a long way in doing a rough draft on the Chesapeake Bay Tunnel-Bridge. Sign me up.

Moving on from the obvious, so to speak, we are getting into the esoteric part of the strip today. Not sure if my Social Psych course I took when I was freshman will help me here but here goes. My guess is that she prefers Chris to take the center stage since she’s happy being a combo rebounder-defense kind of a player. Fair enough. I don’t know a coach who would not want a player willing to do the dirty work for the team.

And if this was The Brady Bunch, we would applaud Greg for taking one for the team. Never mind that Susan Willcox-Olsen (or Olson, flip a coin) a/k/a Cindy Brady is on the same roster. Pretend that it’s Co-ed Basketball and guys can only shoot with the opposite hand, unless the opposing coach raises any objections and then the shooter has to use the other hand the rest of the game.  A lot better than the Thorpiverse scenario which is possibly heading us straight into the Grand Canyon without a parachute. Usually if someone utters a remark that’s supposed to be pivotal to the plot and/or season as Alexa is uttering in P2, we are opening ourselves up (unfortunately) to a Pandora’s Box of possibilities. Bet on it.

She’s not shooting wide-open 2 footers because she’s competing with Chris for Valedictorian???? She heaves cross-court passes because Chris got an “A” in Trig and she got a ‘B+’???? She’d rather rebound than perform a breakaway slam because Chris was the keynote speaker at the Milford Academic Awards Banquet and she just passed out the programs at the door???? Recluses shouldn’t spike the punch, Alexa.

Stay tuned for this Brady Bunch episode where Cindy and Alice have to talk Alexa out of hiding in the hamper because Chris fed Greg for the 3-point play. I think you know which part of this paragraph smells of dirty laundry.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Fined Heavily At His Condo By The Milford Health Department!!!!!!!!!!!

sub headline

“I set the timer on the oven to 1 hour for my Taco Bell Liver ‘n’ Onion Limburger Chimichanga but got a disconnect from Milford Gas & Electric 23 minutes later while I went to visit friends.”

 

Don’t talk of offense

But I’ve heard the words before

It’s sleeping at the halfcourt line

 

I won’t disturb the slumber of Mimi’s give-and-go

If I never shot, I swat it second row

I am a Rock

I am a Mudlark

 

I remember reading something in my vast MAD collection where an article pointed out, essentially, that you should worry when… and the article talked about different situations. I laughed when one scene stated in the caption that you should worry when a player from the opposing team pats you on the fanny after a great play, then keeps his hand on your fanny the remained of the game, the scene showing the victimized player in consternation as the opposing player has his hand firmly entrenched on the victim’s butt.

So I am not going to comment today when Alexa has here hand firmly implanted on Phoebe’s 1) Shoulder Blade 2) Milford Sporting Goods Sportsbra 3) Dorsal part of an elongated collarbone 4) Sunburn from memorizing integrals in Calculus II and setting the sun lamp and forgetting it at the Milford Tanning Clinic 5) All of the above.

I’d be wondering too.

And before the season ends, the Milford Shuffleboard Society may be able to change the floor back to a basketball court. It just has to let the floor dry once the lines are sandpapered off. Sandblast it and forget it. The whole thing should be ready to go once our heroines are finished with their Folger’s moment.

 

“We will return for the conclusion of Marcel Proust’s A La Recherche du Temps Perdu or Fast Times at Milford High after these messages.”

“Honeyyyyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s time to come to beddy-byyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Hold on, Mrs, Shaw. I’m still applying to Milford School of Architecture & Design. They said I can take a correspondence course at 1/3 the tuition if I can draw 10 crotch shots that’ll meet the Board of Directors’ satisfaction.”

“There’s a crotch that needs to meet my satisfaction and you don’t have to draw Johnny Quest’s you-know-what to get it.”

“How’d you know what I was drawing?”

“Darling, put the wittle pencil down and come wid your play thingee cuz she’s got a surpwizzzee for you.”

“An 8 x 11 of Calvin & Hobbes when the camera zooms too close?”

“Noooooooooooo.”

“Damn!!!!!!!! I was close!!!!!!! Okay, a crotch shot of Popeye beatin’ Wimpy’s ass after Wimpy ate too many Bucket Burgers.”

“Actually, Popeye would trade spinach for this anyday.”

“WHAT?????? NO WAY!!!!!!!! Popeye ain’t gettin’ my sketches of Pogo Possum, I don’t care how many Bucket Burgers he pries out of Wimpy’s butt. The Registrar at the School said I can fudge a couple of drawings since Pogo and Winnie the Pooh don’t have anything in between.”

“Honey, at the rate you’re going, you  have something in common with them.”

“Winnie the Pooh and Spiderman can leap from building to building?”

“It was time to put down the blue pencil and face the facts. I had a clog worse than the sewer out front and we both knew it. But the Milford Men’s Clinic saved the day with Miracle Rush 3500, a state-of-the-art drug that’ll unclog Erectile Dysfunction quicker than you can say ‘Hoover Dam’. Come get out of your own logjam down at the Clinic. Me and my wife have had several major crotch shots and you can too. Paradise begins when the traffic congestion ends.”

Thanks for all your patience, Gang. I still wonder where Alexa is putting her arm as long as caffeine is the order of the day. I love coffee but I always keep my hands to myself.

 

Today’s Black History Month installment is actually about 2 persons, gentlemen I discussed last year. At the risk of rehashing, I felt their contributions were too significant to not be talked about once again.

Booker T. Washington and William Edward Burghardt Du Bois were men who arguably have contributed, if not the most, then a lot to the credibility of their race.

Washington was a very humble Christian man who founded The Tuskegee Institute, based on the notion that if the Black Man were to progress in the Upward March of Humanity, he had to learn a trade. He stuck to that notion until the day he died and it paid off in a mighty way. For example, if we sent a Man to the Moon, we have engineers from Tuskegee to thank, who contributed their part to see it happen. Washington’s dream was not in vain.

On the other end of the spectrum was Du Bois. He felt that a man learning a trade was limiting himself to bigger possibilities that could only be revealed through college, particularly the Liberal Arts Program. A well-rounded man was able to think better and handle the complexities that society threw at the Human Race. True to his word, he was the first African-American to earn a Doctorate from Harvard. The man was brilliant, Gang.

Whichever side you choose to take, please join me in saluting two men who have been a HUGE asset to the Human Race as well as their own.

 

 

I have my coach

And his assistant to protect me

 

Oops, better stop. I don’t wanna wind up in the doghouse over false advertising.

 

Why the Bulls were dominant in the ’90’s

 

“Ref, I want Jordan shooting with the other hand. No way can he get 59 points by being honest.”

“No problem, Gil.”

January 29, 2020

Jerk and Plow

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With a focus on two basketball players who are both good students, both good team players, but who are both reluctant to shoot the ball, this has been one of the more plausible Gil Thorp plots we’ve seen in some time. We’ve been waiting for this plot to turn in typical Rubin asinine fashion. Looks like we needn’t wait any longer.

Isn’t a “jerk” someone who is typically rude, obnoxious and mean-spirited? How does that apply to someone who gets his homework done ahead of time? “Teacher’s pet” or “smartyboots,” sure. “Jerk,” not so much. Judging from those rectangles where words should be on Chris’ PowerPoint slide, I might add “slacker.” Then again he might’ve written it in Sanskrit and the class laptop everyone has to use to present doesn’t have a Sanskrit font installed.

Sanskrit? Urdu? It won’t matter much once Little Teddy DeMarco starts cracking everybody up! DeMarco’s little toy isn’t a Cajun in your Pocket but more a combination joy buzzer/ Plymouth Road Runner horn. Whatever it is, any teacher above preschool level would’ve confiscated it the first time it went off. Teddy should realize that Chris is used to more crowd noise than that when he’s calling signals on the gridiron or dishing the roundball off to a gunner. It’s gonna take more than some lame noisemaker to throw him off his game. Try calling him “Alexa” and see how that works out.

 

January 28, 2020

Hey, Mudlarks, Didn’t Make The Team But I Can Make This Transistor Radio Fart In 3 Languages.

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Teddy, to paraphrase the famous George Carlin album, with that cheap appliance you have in your possession that you purchased at Milford Antique Mall, it’s no mystery why you DID get the last girl at the school dance.

And don’t misunderstand me, nobody enjoyed school pranks more than I did. When I was taking German in my sophomore year in high school, we had a teacher, Mr. Stieler (like Pittsburgh Steelers) , who had an annoying habit of pulling down this map of Germany whenever the lesson brought up a place within the boundaries of the country (or Austria or Switzerland or Liecthenstein or Luxembourg or Alsace-Lorain, etc.) . Oberammergau, Neuschwanstein, Ludwigshafen, Garmischpartenkirchen, you name it, Mr. Stieler yanked it down and zeroed in on the location as if he’d been there last week to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread.

Well, some students put up a poster of Farrah Fawcett-Majors (’70’s, mind you) , and taped it over the map so the next time we approached the chapter discussing Frankfurt-am-Main, naturally and as if on cue, Mr. Stieler headed to the map and rattled off what an El Dorado that Frankfurt-am-Main was, that it should be your next vacation for the whole family, according to the AAA Travelogue, pulled down the map while singing the praises of Frankfurt-am-Main (O Victory in Frankfurt, my Savior forever…”) , and got the surprise of his life.

So if you’re going to be the class clown, Teddy, will you please frequent Best Buy or Radio Shack for all your classroom prank needs? Going to yard sales for electronic equipment that subsequently serves as a fly in the ointment for your adversary, let alone the teacher, really won’t cut it. Farting out Schleswig-Holstein in Japanese on your cheap Rural King translator while Schuring is doing a linear equation on the blackboard? Yeah buddy. Or maybe employing a used toaster to pop up Great Value waffles while Schuring is doing a book report on the Gettysburg Address. Hold that tiger.

George Wallace, the black comedian, not the famous ex-Governor of Alabama, and one of my favorite comedians, said it best once

“Answer me this, why do you whites have yard sales the next day after you’ve gotten drunk the night before on Friday night? And I’ll answer your question, yeah, when we honk, we all know each other.”

Teddy, therefore, why do you ATTEND yard sales to get trinkets that are meant to be a pain in the butt? Use your Visa card next time. Plenty of annoying contraptions that can also cut up Julienne fries.

 

Because I get a sneakin’ suspicion Mimi was impulse-buying when she purchased “Captain Kangaroo’s Fun Steps to a Better Basketball Player” from the candy bar rack

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Sales Are Shooting Through The Roof Over The Latest Edition To The Non-Fiction Aisle At Milford IGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Mimi Thorp: ‘We can teach our Feeder Leagues that if Grandfather Clock can make a free throw with the proper follow-through, anyone can.”

 

Not really sure why DeMarco is at The Bucket with his new toy. Like The Joker or The Penguin use The Bucket as HIS hideout. I suppose everyone has to have a place to touch base with when you’re either passing gas from that Brewmaster Instant Coffee machine or robbing the Milford 7-11.

“And when Schuring says ‘Four score and seven years ago, I’ll just nab the moment with my Close ‘n’ Play!!!!!!!!!!!! Still got your vinyl Alice Cooper’s ‘Love it to Death’?”

 

And then there’s the Wonderblender angle on this whole shebang. Anybody who watched Fernwood 2 Night knows of what I speak. Lou Moffett, a reputed consumer advocate playing the role of consumer watchdog against consumer rip-offs, wound up being guilty of his own Close ‘n’ Play.

And it is totally comical to observe Teddy display the calculator with…what? The speaker emanating from a miniaturized version of The Jetsons’ computer?

“Hey, Mr. Wonderblender computer, I know you can slice and dice and make a cherry smoothie out of Gil Thorp’s Pure Pork Sausage Decaf but what are the chances of my making the team?”

“The ppppprrrrobbbbbabbbbilllittyyyy weighs 2,567,390 pppppoooouuunnnndddssss.”

Teddy, encountering the same problem George Jetson came across when George was asking if he had the winning lottery ticket from Milford 7-11’s location on Deneb, trying to decipher a computer speaking with ping pong balls crammed in its mouth

“Okay, but what’s that got to do with my making the team?”

“Fffffffaaaatttttt chhhhhhaaannnnnnccccceeeee.”

If ya go ta the town square and git all the jars of hog chitlins from one table and duct tape from another table and baggy sweat pants from a third table cuz ya got ta have breakfast, ya got ta repair the toilet seat again and ya gotta have somethin’ a wear ta yore daughter’s graduation, in that order, ya might be a redneck.

 

“If you’re as appalled as I am by all the Veggie-matics and mixers that say that they can make cucumber salad out of collared greens and still disrupt Schuring’s recital of the Bill of Rights by memory, let me tell you, the Won-dah Blen-dah here can shred turnips to size and make a nice tuna casserole and put ol’ I-can’t-shoot-in-the-clutch-much-less-bake-cookies-in-the-Set-it-and-Forget-It-Amana-Range out to pasture. Just a matter of pushing the right buttons, sure.”

 

“And fellow stooge, this walkie-talkie/phone bug even recorded who shot Coach Shaw. The salesman at Costco cut me in on a discount. Just insert the AAAA batteries and we’ll know soon enough and collect our reward. Press ‘play’…”

“Bond, is that you? This is M. Report to headquarters immediately. Don’t even check in with Miss Moneypenny. We caught Blofeld’s trail over by Mudlark Lake Dam.”

 

Gang, I’m not even gonna try to wonder how Teddy got that scuzz on his face. Is Thorpiverse trying to send us a message? It’s a lousy one if it’s trying to make Joe Cool out of a face in dire need of Barbasol. Hoo boy, did this backfire.

He may have been obnoxious, crass, ill-mannered, insensitive, impolite, devious, unorganized, smelly, rancorous, but at least Gil shaved. So did Teddy. They both can’t coach but that’s another story.

 

“Folks, I just get furious when I see how expensive shaving apparatuses can be. It’s like Gillette and Norelco could care less about the average Joe and his financial liabilities, am I right, you bet.  When you are so concerned that you’ll get your car repossessed by Milford Federal Credit Union that you cannot afford a disposable blade, it’s time to take action, sure.

That’s why I am proud to present the Gilco Shave-a-Matic. It shaves better than all the leading brands combined, local shaving kits included. You can’t hide from us, shaving company that does a number on Marty’s goatee. Take Teddy in P2, sure. Doesn’t he look like he’s been shaving with the Won-dah Blen-dah? I think so, you bet. But get those rotor blades spinning at the proper angles with plenty of Canadian snake root spread all over his face and be sure the appliance is plugged in and no more fuzz like Gil had the first day of Basic in the Marines. And I promise you, for the same price as that toy graphing calculator that Teddy is touting in P2, his face can shine like his derriere after he wiped with Bounty, sure.”

 

The Bucket would have you think that’s where Teddy and his henchman are plotting Chris’ demise with their amazing technicolor machines. But Xanadu and the rest of the Electric Light Orchestra with Olivia Newton-John on a roller-skating assignment at the drive-in area seems more feasible.

And what’s worse, I have found 2 hairstyles worse than Coach Thorp’s. One is based upon a painting of IGA Ramen Noodles Teddy’s buddy spotted at a studio being oil-painted (so THAT’S what those naked ladies were eating in “Luncheon on the Grass”) for the Milford Chautauqua Fair and the other is Jimmy Dean with a mohawk. Rebel without a cause but with a walkman that can pass gas. Never thought I’d see the day.

 

“Doesn’t this plot stink out Teddy’s hairdo? You bet. Why I’ve heard people complaining that Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids could conjure up storylines better than this watered-down Father Brown mystery, sure. That’s why when you put eggs, cherry bombs, Mimi’s Waldorf salad, refried beans, kelp, orange juice, Gil’s medicated anti-frizzy shampoo, and Gerber’s Peeled Carrots into the Won-dah Blen-dah, turn the function to “mince”, you’ll have a plot ready to eat in no time flat. Just trim the fat, cut out all the bullshit, and drain the kelp, sure. Presto, dinner is served.

 

“No, Jerry, the stork did not deliver a Wonderblender to your house after you were born. I’m sure your mom did OK with those GE formula warmers. And we’ll be back after these messages.”

 

“Folks, are you having trouble keeping under budget every week? Does the grocery bill last longer sometimes than a triple-overtime game? Wouldn’t you like a little relief?

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse. The good people at the Warehouse understand that. After all, they don’t shop only at The Warehouse. They gotta get groceries too.

That’s why they are pleased to announce the Love for Liquor, Food for Free campaign. This week, a purchase of your favorite beers and wines will earn you a voucher for $25 of groceries. That’s right, if you purchase 1.75 ml of Maker’s Mark Whiskey for the unbeatable price of $42.99, you’ll walk away with some serious goodies. Boy, some whiskey and Captain Crunch is welcome at my breakfast table anytime.

But then some of you more discriminating connoisseurs might like Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc for $13.44 to go along with your London broil on the grill, topped by Heinz 57. Hey, whatever yanks your crank. Add some corn on the cob and you make it a meal.

For those of you who like to party to the max, we got ya covered. Imagine, some Bud Light 24-pack and some Betty Crocker Lemon Cake after a plateful of popcorn shrimp and Spaghetti O’s. At $14.99, doesn’t free groceries sound romantic? Looking through my beer mug of love sounds too good to be true.

And for every New Amsterdam Vodka you purchase, you’ll get a Wonderblender as a free gift and our way of thanking you for making The Warehouse the Beverage of Choice. Just think of all the vegetables you can stick into the blender, apples, oranges, mangos, grapes, avocados, and cranberries, saving the Vodka for last. Turn on the blender, watch it spin ’round and ’round, and you got a recipe for success fit for a king.

Come in and spin your own bottle and walk with a blender and money you saved by shopping at The Warehouse and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

 

Thanks for your patience. I’ve been trying to fix this calculator all day. I finally got the trig functions to work.

With all the views so far, you people are kinder than I have a right to expect. You people keep me going even when I’m cussin’ and fussin’ with the machines (ha) . You all keep the site going. I am truly humbled and blessed by all the TWIMers. YOU’RE the ones crucifying Gil (ha ha) . May God bless you all and thanks again for your eternal patience.

 

“Mimi, come to bed.”

“Just a minute, Gil, I want to see how Mr. Moose slides his feet on defense. I think it’s a key concept I can teach the ladies.”

 

 

 

“…and in this great nation of ours, I have never seen anyone more incompetent to coach the girls team. Seen better coaches from Aunt Bea, you bet. And look at that hair. Why if that’s not a model for matting to fill the gerbil cage, I’m Neil Armstrong, sure. Well, Fernwood, I can’t teach Mimi how to call a time out but with Miracle-Moptop, fuzzy hair while you’re whapping your player’s ass with your basketball program is a thing of the past. Just set the mode to “gel” and-bonzai-no more tears and no more scarecrow hair. Boy, bet Mimi would love to call out a give-and-go with her hair follicles hanging like ornaments on a Christmas tree, you bet. And if you set it to “extra gel”, her hair will be pasted to her cochlea while the team is staging a furious rally. Sounds exciting, doesnt it, sure…”

 

And to round out George Carlin one more time

Remember

You can Gil your finger but don’t finger your Gil

 

January 25, 2020

Hair’s-Eye View

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Hip dysplasia might be a thing in the Thorp family. Gil showed signs of it two weeks ago; today, it’s Coach Mimi’s turn. No need to use her lap to balance her AMOS laptop; Mimi can just pop that old hip out of its socket and turn her leg into a table. The Thorps might’ve passed that trait on to their kids, and that’s why the kids ended up going to that farm upstate.

What’s Mimi doing on that laptop that’s so piqued Gil’s interest? Poring over stats like their players? Maybe it’s not what’s on AMOS but that Faberge Organics shampoo robmize posted about yesterday. Gil’s leaned in so far for a sniff that the last panel is literally drawn from the perspective of Mimi’s hair. Don’t believe me? Check out the color version of the strip:

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I wonder if Mimi will let slip the psychological tactics she’s used on Alexa to Gil while they re-enact The Thing with Two Heads. Then we’ll find out who’s really had the offensive presence.

January 14, 2020

“In Other Words, If You Want To Make Honor Roll This Semester, You Have To Reach Double Bonus.”

Filed under: basketball, Boredom in Milford — tdrewhardin @ 1:59 pm

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This is the city. Milford USA. It’s a city like any other city, it has its parks, residential areas, factories, shopping centers, and schools. But unlike other cities, this city contains a high school with a gentleman who coaches multiple sports and sports multiple absences. When he does appear on the scene, sometimes questionable activities appears in his rearview mirror. The fans have long since tolerated his inept attempts to lead the kids to victory. I’ll smoke my Camels in the Milford Police Department break room and read the racing forms and bet on the winning horse at Milford Downs.

But when he oversteps the line and ethics and the law are in double overtime, that’s when I go to work. My name’s Friday. I carry a badge.

 

It was a typical winter day in Milford. Lots of sunshine but a hint of a blizzard was in the forecast later this evening. There were a lot of frisbee golfers out at Milford Frisbee Range taking advantage of the balmy conditions.

My partner, Bill Gannon, and I were assigned to the Academic and Sports Fraudulent Operations & Enterprises Division of the Milford Police Department. The boss is Captain DeMarco.

We had been informed to be on the lookout for dubious operatives pertaining to a certain student. Her name was reported to be Alexa Watson. She went by the nickname “Grade Shark”. She had a reputation for dumping anyone in the river who aced her on the Trig Final. We had encounrered a couple of bloated bodies but the only thing we observed when she opened the trunk were the groceries. This investigation was going to take time. Lots of time.

“Joe, just talked to HQ on the talkie. Found another one in the creek. His slide rule had leeches all over it.”

“Not surprised. If you want to go to Harvard, you better cover it up. And fast.”

“How does she do it? Right now her record is clean while the student body is declining.”

“Beats me.”

“I guess if you want to go to Yale, you simply say ‘Boola, Boola’ when you’re smoking in the bathroom.”

“Some kids know how to break the rules and get an ‘A’ on the term paper, I guess.”

“Kids these days. Commit armed robbery at Milford Federal and graduate Summa Cum Laude. I don’t get it.”

“Me neither.”

“Joe, are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

“Time to go to work. Let’s go.”

Watson was seen carrying a basketball into the Milford gym. She committed the same fatal flaw every criminal makes, performing something out of character with the script. When you stood out like the burnt pickle on a Bucket Burger, you were a sitting duck for the law. Watson would be quacking a long time on this one.

 

If ya get caught in the file cabinet cuz ya wanted ta change the grade illegally on yore woodworking project in Introductory Woods class cuz ya found some treated wood that’d hold up better on yore outhouse that ya built, ya might be a redneck.

 

Gang, if there’s 3 inevitable items on the table us Thorpiverse veterans are inured to, it’d be death, taxes, and the revolving door and I don’t mean leading into Gil’s office. Thorpiverse always keeps us well-stocked with anonymous characters who step out of the sewer line of some random street in Milford and apprise Gil of a situation like the one we have on our plate today. We have no clue what function Mrs. Jane Doe is serving at this juncture nor her job title. Is she a teacher? Counselor? Department Head of Industrial Arts? Whatever her role, she is one of a million people who remain incognito while serving as a bridge to the plot-for-a-day scenario, a tactic well-used by Thorpiverse since its inception.

“Dr. Pearl, we need more buffer pads for the machine. And we need 3 more orders of toilet paper after Gil used a whole roll from that Faculty Enchilada Brunch this afternoon.”

“Certainly. BTW, did you get that PSAT score report audit on the sophomore class? The State called about it again about 15 minutes ago.”

 

Then there’s academics practically being called a contact sport. This is another flailing attempt for Thorpiverse to use a literary device, in this case a metaphor, to inflate the plot when in reality it needs to hit the Milford Men’s Clinic sooner than Coach Shaw and that’s pretty puffy, if you ask me.

Yeah, yeah, Alexa shouldn’t have her hand on the player’s fanny when the latter is working on the cosine wave (“Let me see, cos 60 degrees equals 1/2-HEY, will you quit pulling down my shorts?”) . Don’t want to let the game get out of control. Call it tight now. If it’s a foul, call it, if the player takes 5 steps with the graphing calculator, call traveling, if the player is in the arctan area for 10 seconds, call 3 seconds. We don’t the game to get out of hand. We completely understand, Thorpiverse.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Ejected After Flagrant Foul In Milford Parks & Recreation 6 Feet And Under League Basketball Game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Witnesses confirm he kicked Spud Webb in the groin while Webb was contesting a breakaway dunk.”

 

2:27PM. Bill and I went to talk with Mrs. Doe about the reports she attempted to turn in to the State Superintendent of Public Instruction. We managed to flag her down just as she was about to give them to the mailman before he took off in his LLV on his mounted route. We had hope this would help in eventually cracking the case

“Look, Gil forgot to put a stamp on it. That’s why it couldn’t be mailed.”

“Sir, we’re asking Mrs. Doe that question.”

“Oops. Sorry, Gentlemen.”

“Quite all right”

LLV drives away out of the Milford High School parking lot

“Alexa begged us not to mail it. I gave in because I have a soft heart for kids plus Chris blew the game. I couldn’t reward people who choke in the clutch.”

“So what did you do next?”

“I gave them to Dr. Pearl. She said she would throw them away as they were supernumerary reports and did not affect the Bell Curve. Alexa still had a chance to catch Chris with these reports in the garbage can.”

“Ma’am, you can’t throw away confidential information just on the whim of your bleeding heart. You could wind up in the hoosegow.”

Gannon had a point. Flirting with somebody’s academic future was analogous with Mimi’s analogies. Both were dangerous and inexplicable.

“Is there anything else?”

“No, ma’am, just sit tight until we complete the investigation.”

“Will I go to jail?”

“Not sure. That’ll be up to the Director of Academic Fraud Bunco Division.”

“Alexa’s a nice kid. She deserves only the best. She really respects Mimi Thorp. And Gil also.”

“But so does Chris.”

Somber music sets in

 

Oh Brother. These so-called Teachable Moments like we’re supposedly experiencing in P2 is about as laughable as all get out.

Like, what is your point, Mimi? If Wilt scored 100 on that fateful night in ’62 at the Hershey, Pennsylvania gym, he’d have his Honorary Diploma from Milford High School? I can understand trying to motivate to score more but just about a week ago you were in your office beating your brains out, loosely speaking, attempting to improve your team. It’s bad enough that that went nowhere and in time it’ll more than likely STILL GO NOWHERE but do you have to run up the score with SAT analogies?

Let me see if I’m understanding you correctly

POINTS::GRADES—–GIL’S HAIR::VIDAL SASSOON RECYCLABLE SPRAY BOTTLES

That might work but points can be differentiated but Gil’s hair could arguably be compared to The Blob movie in the ’50’s. Let’s try again

POINTS::GRADES—–NUMBER OF YEARS DR. PEARL HAS ROAMED THE EARTH::DENTURES SHE HAS POSSESSED IN HER BUREAU DURING THAT TIME

The analogy is an obvious dead-ringer but too verbose for an SAT test. The writers of Cliff Notes Guide to SAT Preparation would have a fit trying to cram that in their latest edition. Nope, better look elsewhere

POINTS::GRADES—–MUDLARKS::LOSERS

Now THAT’S an analogy. Both can distributed singularly like points and grades, and the more you have of one, the more you have of the other. Mimi’s Direct Proportion passes with flying colors on this one.

 

WHO SHOT COACH SHAW::MYSTERY—–CURRENT PLOT:ENIGMA

It works, Gang. I wouldn’t be surprised that we get to the bottom of either one.

 

And THE DAGWOOD BUMSTEAD BACKGROUND CHARACTERS ARE BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You old-timers know what I’m talking about. Dagwood is ringing out Blondie because she is spending way too much at some department store and the nameless blob of people are looking on in curiosity, bewilderment, consternation, interest, etc. But before the punchline delivers its punch, The Blob (not the same as Gil’s hair, The People Blob, mind you) is seen doing different things, making purchases, checking sizes of shirts and pants, hunching in some corner (“Dagwood, what is Mr. Dithers doing over by the drinking fountain?” “I Dunno, Blondie.”) , laughing and yukking it up with a fellow shopper, that sort of thing.

Congratulations, Phoebe and your cohort in P2, you are now part of Dagwood’s crowd. Yup, you are filling in space during Mimi’s Lifetime Lesson, sure to trickle down to your ears even as Mimi is lecturing. You might want to put down the beach ball and take some notes.

And this is my point. Usually, if a coach is in a one-on-one session with a player to emphasize a point, the OTHER players are involved in a shootaround or practicing free throws or doing a light jog before practice. Not too many high school practices include players with thumbs up their asses and Dagwooding it while the coach is exhorting another player to improve his or her game. It’s great you have your uniforms on but this is not a modeling show. The baskets are around somewhere in the gym. You’ll just have to look for them. I think I saw one by the Ski machine. They’ve been known to hide.

 

4:18PM. Bill Gannon and I stopped in to talk with Dr. Pearl. Safe to say the conversation was not going to be about her New Wave Granny hairdo. We wanted answers and we wanted them fast.

“We run an honest business around here. We would never stoop so low as to change a student’s transcript so that another student can get that student’s scholarship to MIT.”

“Look, Ma’am, we weren’t born yesterday. When a kid like Chris flunks Home Ec because he left Shake ‘n’ Bake in the oven too long, we get suspicious. He could have easily done a make-up assignment and cooked a batch of Zatarain’s Rice Pilaf.”

“The Home Ec teacher called in and could not shop at Milford 7-11 for emergency supplies.”

“That’s not our problem. I could nail you on Section 19, Article 57 ‘Engineering to Perpetrate Academic Alteration with Intent to Perform Bodily Harm’, but you have tenure and your wall is impregnable for the moment. But watch your back side, Dr. Pearl.”

“Let me assure you, academic integrity is our utmost concern at Milford High School.”

“Look, Dr. Pearl, Friday has a point. We’re not asking you to bare your soul for Mr. Schuring, so keep your gingham dress on. We just want things to be on the up-and-up so both Miss Watson and Mr. Schuring can stand on the podium and shake your hand when you confer their diplomas. Don’t send Mr. Schuring out to lunch for Bucket Crawdads while Miss Watson is graduating With Honors.”

“Chris will get the same treatment as Alexa, I’m committed to that concept.”

“And we’re committed to your keeping that commitment, Bucket Crawdads or no Bucket Crawdads.”

Somber music once again after Joe’s last zinger

 

P3-“Did you know your fly is open?”

Could also easily fit into Mimi’s balloon if that were left blank.

 

“We’ll return to the conclusion of Dragnet after these important messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

 

“With January upon us, a lot of us got our wallets cleaned out from all that Christmas shopping. And if you live in the Skid Row subdivision behind the Milford High School Athletic Annex, buying The Good Life, when you can’t even afford foodstuffs, can be a hassle.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp speaking for Milford Beverage Warehouse. The good people at The Warehouse don’t want you to do without so they have started an exciting new program, the Name Your Price policy when buying liquor. It’s an innovative way of reaching out to the customer who cannot afford a 30-Pack of Drewry’s Dark because he has to pay off 2 court-ordered alimony payments. A man who couldn’t stay under the bed with another woman without a rolling pin bonking his head shouldn’t have to do without a cold one.

And check this out. You lucky dogs who sleep on the picnic tables at night at Milford State Park with nothing but an old Superman kiddie blanket are in for a treat. If you can pay $2.99 for Jim Beam Bourbon, The Warehouse will be more than happy to pour it an Erlenmeyer flask, duct-tape it, and send you out the door a free man.

And some of you lost your shirt at Milford Steamboat Casino and have to stay within a budget. No problemo. If you have $5.00, The Warehouse is only too glad to store Ecco Domani Pinot Grigio, the Wine of Champions, into large Styrofoam Dixie Cups. Shoot, they’ll even throw in a straw.

And did you get sued out the wazoo because your semi plowed into a station wagon and now you’re on a waiting list at Milford Shelter House? If you have $3.99, The Warehouse will supply you with your demand for Michelob Ultra, both cans with the extra-safe tab so kid can drink it and steal your joy. And if you have a coupon, you’ll get an extra can at no charge. Sounds like sensible Free Market Economics to me.

So come on, all you freeloaders out there. Don’t be afraid to go through the double doors and dictate your policy. You can go through the same line as guy with the Visa Gold and the 24-Pack of Natural Light and not be ashamed. You can even sign up for the Mystery Pack. For $10.00, you can get a whole bag of goodies to take back to your cot. I’m not allowed to say what’s in the bag this month but last month’s grab bag had some Oreos, 12-Pack Corona Extra, Mott’s Apple Juice, Tylenol in Liquid Tablets, Knob Creek Whiskey, 750 Milliliters, Brawny Quilted Bathroom Tissue, and some Roscato Wine. Boy, I’d like to be able to wipe my butt, then sip on a pint in the evening on my verandah when the sun goes down.

Get your butt on down here and do your own wiping and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

 

It’s all yours, Gang. Time to down a Bud and sit on the bleachers and listen to Mimi’s words of wisdom. Life is good.

 

 

POINTS::GRADES—–MARTY MOON::SNAILS

“Chris, dammit!!!!!!!!!! Look at your own answer sheet!!!!!!!!!!!! And I ain’t loanin’ pu another #2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Mimi the Proctor looks up from her “How to Win Friends and Influence Players” by Dale Carnegie III

“Do I have to separate you two?”

 

On January 14th, 2020, Jane Doe was found guilty in the Milford Superior Court of violation of State Law 102, Section 9, Article 15 “Wrongful Forgery of Academic Documentation and Illegal Pedagogical Enterprises in the Line of Educational Duty” whichbis punishable by a fine of not more than $60,000 and imprisonment for a minimum of 60 years but not exceeding 89 years.”

Jane Doe standing with blank background behind her, the graphics in front of her on the TV screen

Mrs. Doe is currently serving 71 years in the Milford Maximum Security Plot Prison.

 

December 25, 2019

Do They Know It’s Thorpmas?

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, Kelly Krystek, metapost, Mimi Thorp — teenchy @ 12:32 pm

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When I last posted on Christmas Day, I was hanging on a piazza in Charleston with Mr. Bakst.  No such luck today; I’m in a colder place, albeit one that’s not as cold as it used to be this time of year.  I’m also not fresh out of a hospital bed like I was in 2015, and for that I’m grateful.  I’m also grateful that I got to see firsthand something very few people still living got to see previously – a major league baseball team based in Washington win a pennant – and, a few days later, win a World Series, something even fewer still living got to see previously.

My snark isn’t as sharp as it used to be.  In my last two posts I thought I caught a typo where there wasn’t one, and I identified Teddy DeMarco’s knock-kneed stooge as Teddy himself.  I’ve still got some haiku game but I’ve lost a few mph off my song parodies (how many times can I go back to Janet’s Diner?).  Heck, I’m having a hard time finding snark for today’s strip.  The Thorp kids have been so thoroughly retconned out it hardly bears mention.  Maybe Kaz’s scarf?  Looks like one of Mary Worth’s cowlnecks.  What about that gazebo?  Since when did Milford get one of those?  Is that where Mimi entertains the pool boy when Gil’s off at Milford CC every summer?  We don’t even get “Merry Christmas” set off in a fancy font like we usually do.

Anyhoo, to all you TWIMers out there who celebrate Christmas, a merry Christmas to you.  To those of you who don’t, enjoy the day all the same.  Thanks for putting up with me and for the encouragement when I’ve felt like hanging up the keyboard.

 

December 17, 2019

Watson, Come Here Into The Gym, We Need You To Play Basketball

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A few years ago, Lester Holt was interviewing a lawyer involved in a controversial case somewhere in rural North Carolina. I can’t remember the exact details but if you’ll allow me to improvise, it was concerning some business or radio station that was defending its Constitutional rights when comments laced with profanity was published or said on the air.

When Holt asked the lawyer about the crux of the case, the lawyer proceeded to quote what he and his plaintiffs were complaining about, bearing in mind this was NOT the defendant’s lawyer

“…and we are objecting to ‘Up shit creek’ or ‘I want to fuck you blind’ or ‘Gil couldn’t coach out of a douchebag’…”

And FINALLY Holt mercifully interrupted the lawyer, since this was on an NBC News Magazine and therefore national news, by saying

ALL RIGHT WE GET THE POINT WE DON’T NEED THIS BARRAGE OF PROFANITY ON NATIONAL TV THERE ARE KIDS WATCHING THIS SHOW

Holt afterwards apologized profusely for what arguably wasn’t necessary to quote on TV, especially because again this was the same lawyer fighting AGAINST what he himself was guilty of and was fighting, i.e., the usage of inappropriate language to drive home the issue.

And Thorpiverse

WE GET THE JOKE. IT MIGHT HAVE TAKEN ANOTHER 3-PANEL SET TO CATCH IT BUT WE HAVE A FIRM GRASP ON THE HUMOR WE DON’T NEED TO SKIP OVER GIRLS BASKETBALL LIKE WE DID LAST YEAR AND PICK UP WHERE LEFT OFF AND TRY TO GET CREATIVE WITH WATSON COMEDY AT THE BUCKET

They don’t have homework? Richie and Ralph and Potsie and The Fonz sit around at Al’s and conjure up new ways to express themselves about Richie Cunningham’s dad?

The Foghorn Leghorn approach

“Oh, say, can you C, Mr. C.?”

“That’s a funny, Dad.”

 

 

“Oh, Howard, you spilled your fruit punch all over your pants. Let me get you a Bounty.”

“Marion, I’m fine. I’ll just throw them in the wash later…”

“Aaaaayyyyyyy, Mr. C., I wouldn’t let that Hi-C settle on you, Mr.C. You’ll have a sea full of Vitamin C Hi-C all over Mr.C., see?”

“Eat the rest of your peas, Arthur. Here, Howard, here’s a Kleenex.”

 

Gang, if we have to have several more panels of Hee Haw, we’re in trouble

“Man, Roy, I can’t find those county corn yield reports anywhere. Can you help me look?”

“They ain’t come out of Lulu the Supercomputer’s mouth yet, Buck.”

Archie Campebell steps in

“That’s all right. Heck, Lulu’s so fat, they have to perform a Lamaze procedure when she’s spitting printouts.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Alexa, is that you

I hope that football’s finally through

Basketball could be in view

I can pray

Hard to say

There’s only one thing that there’s left to play

Tip-off might be any day

 

We gotta get you a ballgame

It’s the only thing to show that this plot is alive

We gotta get you a ballgame

You better quit walkin’

They call that stuff Traveling

 

Because I’m amused because I saw a sign on a grocery store advising customers to

PLEASE DON’T PARK IN FRONT OF THE STORE

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Local Resident Fined Severely For Double-Parking At Milford IGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Shaw: ‘I was just getting eggs for my wife. And that Iams Beef a-Plenty 15-lb. bag for my huntin’ dog was hard on my back.'”

 

Let me get the obvious out of the way in P1. The girls are actually drawn pretty darn well and Phoebe is a cutie in that scene.

Then we get to her burger. Oh my.

Unless The Bucket is marketing Art Nouveau Leaning Towers of Pisa disguised as an overloaded Big Mac with one pickle and onion too many, I think I’ll order the Bucket Full o’ Pasta. C’mon, I’m still utilizing the Italian language.

I could go to a Milford Zoning Board meeting with that structure and make my case for a high-rise condo unit on a vacant lot in Downtown Milford. Drainage shouldn’t be a problem with that thing, just set that Tower of Babel at a perpendicular and the grease is as good as gone. I’ll get approved at next month’s meeting, unanimously.

Now I delve into the not-so-obvious. This one will have to be broken down if we’re to build the logic back up.

And what better way to dive into deductive reasoning than to transpose what’s being said in P1 to Pop’s Choklit Shoppe where Archie and Veronica are sitting in a booth.

“Oh, Archiekins, I am buying the Popsburger Combo with Extra Buffalo Fries and a side order of Onion Rings and Pop’s Veggie Lasagna because Daddy ran over Jughead in his Lamborghini.”

“Did they get Mr. Lodge for a DUI?”

“Now you know Daddy doesn’t drink and drive, Love.”

“That’s true. You still want to go to the drive-in movie. We can go right after Jughead’s funeral.”

“Oh, Archiekins, you say the sweetest things.”

 

If yore computer is nicknamed “Bubba” because it’s the only computer on the planet that gives ya printouts while its butt’s hangin’ out, sportin’ more pimples in its crack than a teenager, ya might be a redneck.

 

Talking ’bout Thorp, he’s so under the gun

This plot is stupid, not a lot of fun

Let’s hope that basketball won’t be shunned

And then we’ll take some time to get your stuff together

GET YOUR STUFF TOGETHER

Cuz, we gotta get you a ballgame…

 

But enjoy the generic School Cafeteria Burger, Alexa. All students get a free one everytime someone calls him or her HAL.

“Would you mind passing the mustard, Dave?”

 

 

“Will Archie Andrews and Moose Mason use hedge clippers to pare the rest of Mr. T.’s grandson’s head? Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion here on WDIG-TV.”

 

Because I’m in eternal wonder over these ED ads advising a person to throw away his old dick pills

 

At Mudlark Lake Resort one Autumn afternoon

 

THESE GODDAM PILLS AREN’T GETTING ME ANY HARDER THAN MARTY’S HEAD!!!!!!!!!!! THIS NAXIUM IS WORTHLESS. THE PHARMACIST SAID IT WOULD TAKE CARE OF MY HEARTBURN AND MY ED PROBLEMS. I’M FLUSHIN’ THESE SUCKERS-

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

YEAH?

“Daddy, I gotta go #2 bad. My Underoos are stinky already.”

“Hold on, Jaime. Daddy has to unload some garbage and this can’t wait THAT’S THE LAST TIME I LISTEN TO THOSE ASSHOLES AT MILFORD APOTHECARY. THEY SAID MY WIENER WOULD TURN TO STONE AFTER I USED MIRALAX. I CAN SHIT LIKE A RHINO BUT MY WIENIE’S STILL A WIENIE-

Mimi approaches

“Gil, you OK? They can hear you from the other side of the lake. I could hear you cuss at the boat ramp over the Evinrude motor and that thing was louder than a Who concert.”

“I’m sorry, Honey, but I got to flush my troubles down the drain. The Pharmacy Grad Student at Milford Community College said the Children’s Mucinex Nightshift Relief would cause my thingamabob to be stiff enough to hang a flag on. Snot’s runnin’ out of it more than blood’s flowin’ into it. I’m flushin’ this across the Charon.”

“Gil, you’re in an outhouse.”

“Mimi, I couldn’t care less if I’m in the penthouse. When I use my Mudlark Visa Gold to buy Milford Apothecary Ibuprofen, I expect to dominate my women like Thor shootin’ one out of the sky.”

“Gil, I have a better idea. Why don’t you try one of the EREC-STYLE 9800 that I stuffed in your stuffing and consider it a pre-Christmas gift? It works better than Coricidin or Vick’s VapoRub.”

“HEY THAT’S IT. LET ME RUB SOME ON MY OSCAR MEYER WIENER AND YOU WILL TRULY BE IN LOVE WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Maybe so, but in the meantime, you’ll have to clean the poopie off the jungle gym. Jaime just had an accident.”

 

“Why go through all that frustration when I could have used EREC-STYLE 9800, sold exclusively at Milford Men’s Clinic. No more throwing Aleve or Bayer in the dumpster for Milford Sanitary Solutions to pick up. I am not only having the time of my life, but the bathroom is free for my kids when they’ve eaten one chimichanga too many at Milford Taco Bell. Come get your fun at the Clinic and leave Garbage Day for your canteloupe rinds. You’ll be glad you did.”

 

Thanks to Cooper Stewart of Louisville, Kentucky for help with the above idea. Cooper works hard and his raw sense of humor keeps me going and gives me GREAT ideas. Cooper represents America with his dedication to his job and just by being himself. Don’t ever change, My Man. America needs you.

 

Go at it, Gang. I’m going to court to testify for Mr. Lodge. They say he was guilty of pulling a Gil with his car. I wonder how you get busted just by owning an idle car that plops its butt on the practice field but we do have Due Process, Thank God.

 

And when we’re done with youuuuu

We’ll do it with baseball, too.

 

Thanks for putting up with my love for Todd Rundgren. You’re #1 in my book, Gang.

December 12, 2019

You Can Call Me Al

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, Piss faced Alexa Watson, song parody — tdrewhardin @ 9:40 am

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Two girls walk in the cafeteria

One says “Why hasn’t basketball started yet,

Hasn’t gotten off its ass yet

The rest of the plot will probably be Uncle Ben’s Denture-Friendly Rice

We need another opportunity

A shot at Peppermint Patty

Don’t want to wind up in Wee Pals

In a Wee Pals graveyard”

Bonedigger, Bonedigger

Marmaduke in the moonlight

And plot far away in Rivets’ doghouse

Mr. Snoopy, Snoopy

Get these mutts away from me

You know, we dont find this entertaining anymore

 

 

If you’ll just speed up basketball

I can be your long lost pal

I can call you Phoebe, and Phoebe, when you call me, you can call me Al

 

After having lost a bundle because we got the Watson joke THE VERY NEXT DAY (Had to fork over my Gil Thorp Comic Strip scrapbooks, in installments) , I am still wondering if these girls are going to play basketball. Now if Alexa the Supercomputer (I rub it in well, don’t I?) is 6’1″, the implication couldn’t be leading towards wrestling. God bless the girls who have broken into the sport and SUCCEEDED many times but I don’t think Alexa will be one of the pioneers continuing to lead the way.

Coach Thorp passing by Alexa one day in the Mathematics wing of Milford High School

“God Almighty, you’re tall. Did you ever think about going out for the wrestling team? I’ll bet you could execute a 3/4 Nelson with the best of ’em.”

“I’ll think about it. Who do I talk to, Coach Shaw?”

“No, he’s in Tank McNamara for the time being. Won’t be back until the Football Wienie Roast Pep Rally. Let me speak with Coach Anderson.”

“BTW, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be back in gym?”

“I was going to strong-arm another trig teacher to clear one of my players to play. He just got sine and cosine, mixed up that’s all. Plus, I wasn’t doing anything anyway, like for the last 60 years.”

“I’ll work on Takedown Procedures tonight after I get done with my Biology Lab.”

“What I wanna hear.”

 

If yore Google computer in the den and yore bloodhound ya go huntin’ coons  with and yore cleanin’ lady with a tattoo the size of Delaware who comes in on Thursday to wipe off the pig slop in the living room and yore mechanic that fixes yore pickup and puts in points and plugs every bow season all go by the same name, Al, ya might be a redneck.

 

Interesting choice, the phrase “Day of Irritations”. Let’s see if we can make good use of combination of words.

 

On a 1944 headline of the Milford Enquirer

“MacArthur Fleet Bombs Honshu, Destroying 2 Nissan Plants, Including Line Of Sentras Being Shipped To Egypt!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Emperor Hirohito declared the attack a ‘Day of Irritations’.”

C’mon, it’s got possibilities.

Okay, you nitpickers out there, let’s go Room 222

“So what are you going to wear to the prom, Shelly?”

“I’m not going.”

“Why not?”

“The prom is on the same date as the Day of Irritations. I’m a Thorpist and Thorp simply operates through prayer and meditation and prohibits any kind of vigorous activity. I can’t even eat a Bucket Wienie.”

Later, in Mr. Dixon’s World Geography class

“…contrary to popular belief, the USSR never abutted upon the Cape of Good Hope. Africa was a target but Brezhnev was sick with flu in a Moscow hospital and could not commence Operation Africa in time…”

BRRRRRRRIIIIIINNNNNGGGGGGG

“That is all. Don’t forget your book report on Finland is due this Friday. Shelly, may I have a word with you?”

“Sure, Mr. Dixon, what’s up?”

“I heard rumors that you’re not going to the prom.”

“That’s right.”

Miss Johnson steps in

“Shelly, think of all the fun you’ll miss.”

“But Thorpism is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. I am going to sit butt naked in my bathtub and pray and fast on The Day of Irritations.”

Mr. Dixon has heard enough. Us TWIMers have SEEN enough

“Shelly, you can’t spend the rest of your life worshipping a man who never coaches, let alone worry about you.”

“And he tried to make a move on me and I said, your Ayers Rock hairline may be sexy to Mimi but you won’t even get Irish Spring soap from me and your hair is RAINING dandruff.”

“He tried to have his way with you, Miss Johnson?”

“That’s right. Threw the doggie shampoo bottle in his face.”

“Is it still too late to call Milford Formal?”

Mr. Dixon smiles when the 222 plot always has a happy ending

“No, a friend of mine works there and he can FedEx a gown by tomorrow. Who’s the lucky guy?”

“Bobby Howry.”

 

Okay, Okay, so it had a rough edge but the 222 ending worked, didn’t it? Didn’t it?

 

“And on the Day of Irritations, Shechem, you shall lead my people towards the Land of Canaan where you shall enjoy a feast of milk and honey. I will rain Manna out of the sky until that Day…”

Hey, I know The Bible well. The Annotated Version ought to find that SOMEWHERE

 

Two girls walk into the basketball gym

One says “Why is this game so short of attention

4 quarters short of attention

And, whoa, Mimi rambles about setting picks

Where’s the referees and the scorekeeper

What if the timer dies on the half court line

Who’ll be the other team

Now that it didn’t show up like last year’s season

It ducked behind The Bucket

With some roly-poly little zit-filled carhop

All along, all along

There were flagrant fouls and technicals

There were slammed basketballs and Gil’s ejection

 

If you’ll be my point guard,

I can be your long lost pal

I’m the power forward, I will call for the ball

And you can call me Al

 

And in P2, Rod Serling at 17 flirts(?) with Al and Phoebe, we TWIMers unsure of motives but confident will find out in a well-developed soap opera, i.e., at the expense of basketball. Isn’t it just peachy that we are thrown 3 characters right off the bat and really not holding our breath that THAT will be the limit?

And why is Mr. Serling added AT ALL? Is he going to have a sex change and join the girl’s team? Boy, don’t go in Mimi’s office and dump her with THAT one.

In Gil’s office one day, right after he washed his hands and dried them with Bounty towels after The Deluge in his personal toilet

“Coach Thorp, I’m quitting the basketball team.”

“WHY????”

“I’m pursuing other interests after my surgery at Milford General.”

 

Whoa, Nelly

Ooooookkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is here to save the day!!!!!! Take ‘er away, Gene.

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), she went through the cafeteria line with Al and Phoebe to buy plenty of __________________.”

 

And what is this in P3? Will this be a future installment on The Dating Game

“Bachelorette #3″, I understand you like basketball but you like archery, badminton, 5-stud billiards, dodgeball, indoor wiffleball, racquetball hockey, donkey nerf football, hallway X-country, heck, just about any sport in case Thorpiverse reneges on us and ditches basketball and there’s another sport Naismith hasn’t invented to entertain the masses in the wintertime.”

“What’s your point?”

“I was going to ask Thorpiverse the same thing.”

Funky music comes in for a landing, Marty Moon, the host steps in

“Well, that’ll wrap up this one. We’ll see which Bachelorette that Chris will pick in a moment, Phoebe, Ms. Rizk, or Al…”

 

 

“And that about wraps up this scrimmage here at the Milford High School Girls Gym. The Varsity beats the Reserves, 105-27, Al Watson leading the way with 45 points. I’ll have other stats in a moment, this is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

 

“Aren’t you fired up for basketball? With Al Watson and her Jordanesque moves, the 5-game season should be a snap. I know I won’t have to listen to Mimi complaining until 1:00AM about the referees not calling a violation when the opposing free throw shooter steps on the line. Fair play is important, bitching about while I’m trying to watch Letterman isn’t.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse. Y’know, I went into Milford Hobby Lobby the other day and I maxed out on my Visa Platinum trying to buy a wagon for my kids. And when I saw that I could buy other red wagons for lesser value, I asked the teenage sales clerk, what’s less money than a Radio Flyer? Do they sell Radio Flyers for the Taco Bell chihuahua?

But don’t sweat this one as Milford Beverage Warehouse has ya covered, as if you thought otherwise. They bought several truckloads of toys that were of lesser value that the kids could still enjoy while selling The Good Life to the rest of us. I guess if Otis the Drunk wants Tinker Toys to purchase with his 6-pack of Falls City, that’s his cross to bear but the rest of us just enjoy watching our kids play Monopoly while sippin’ on some Jack.

That’s why Early Times at $19.99 and Star Wars Action figures for just a few simoleons more is practically robbing the store. Don’t you want watch your young’uns pretend they’re Luke and Darth while trying to locate your chaser under the recliner? What a way to get into the Christmas spirit.

Or for you mellow people, you can watch the neighborhood kids cuss at each other at Stratego as you partake of Starborough Sauvignon Blanc, and those memories are only $12.99 and some loose change.

And wouldn’t it be nice if you were kickin’ back on Christmas Day while watching your kids play with a 1,435-track Lionel Train Set, something that got repossessed by some loser like Chet Ballard? And your 12-pack of Heineken well in hand? My goodness, $14.99 and your checkbook that couldn’t possibly bounce on this one is a small price to pay when you hear the engine chug-a-luggin’

But YOU need to get your own Barbie Dolls or the Toy Robot from Lost in Space to give to your offspring if you want to enjoy the Garden of Eden. Glenmore Gin or whatever suits your fancy is all right here at The Milford Beverage Warehouse. Come see how full your wallet will remain as you break the bank down here where it’s literally fun and games and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

All right, Gang, it’s your turn. And don’t forget, ya doesn’t have ta call me T. Drew. Ya can call me T. or you can call me Drew…

 

A man walks by Phoebe’s and Al’s table

A table with some strange brew

Maybe it’s a chili dog and hash browns

Maybe it’s Cream of Wheat on Rye

Doesn’t speak their language

He’s too late for football

Shouldn’t be dropping in for lunch at 12:40

He’s surrounded by Mudlarks, Mudlarks

Some in the journalism room

Inchoate plots and lack of action technicals

He looks around, around

He sees two girls, tip of the iceberg

Rambling in infinity

Tells Thorpiverse “Get to the point, Amen”

 

If you’ll apply some Right Guard

I can be your long lost pal

I can call you Chris

And when you call me for a date

You can call me Al

 

“Coach Thorp, I can’t play on that date. My family celebrates The Day of Irritations”

“We didn’t make the Playdowns, Joe.”

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