This Week in Milford

September 14, 2017

Bob Kazinski, Headbanger

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No pussyfooting around this fall: Gil Thorp is tackling today’s tough issues head-on. No wannabe junior detectives nosing around about some kid’s mom’s job, no protesters in the bleachers protesting what may or may not have been domestic abuse. Nope, we’re cutting straight to the chase, starting by looking at the life of one of Milford’s earliest concussion victims, Coach Kaz.

Although “accidently [sic*] bang[ing] helmets with Harry Bull” sounds like something that happened not at practice but in the showers afterward, said Mr. Bull is indeed not only a real person but also a school superintendent in Colorado with a lengthy list of career achievements and who attended Northern Colorado, where Kaz allegedly played college football. Whether Harry or Kaz came out on the short end of that collision I leave to the readers.

*BTW Rubin or his letterer needs to invest in a spell checker.

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September 1, 2017

The only thing persistent is the pounding of my headache

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, boring memories, football, general nonsense, lessons learned — robmize2013 @ 7:52 pm

So after all the talking and running catching and drinking and resting and more talking, its back to home base with Trey to discuss this long convo that accomplished … hardly anything.

Just blows me away that we’re still at loggerheads over at least 3 things –

Can Case still play basketball? (Thats what Trey was helping him with before he went home to drink a shandy)

Can Case play pro football? (Thats what Heather is trying to tell him he can do if he works hard enough. But we thought he was rehabbing for basketball)

What is Heathers level of competence in deciding Cases’ future? ( Both she and Trey dropped what they were doing originally when something better came along, she dropped Pelwecki and helped Case, Trey and Pelweki went home to stew about things, Gil went to the golf course, and True? Yep, he dissappeared too after his minor contribution of playing QB to Cases WR.)

Now even Heather doesnt know what she wants to do. And yes we’ve conveniontly forgotton about that. Unless in P3 she’s on her laptop hunting for a journalism job because Case rekindled her interest in it.

Hey, how about Trey saying he needs to be around sane people for a while, then he’s sitting by himself drinking at home. I guess he’s the only sane person in the strip.

And if it wasnt for Case, Heather would be doing what she didnt really want to invest her future in, coaching football and meddling in athletic training. And by the way, she’s missed about 3 weeks of class at this moment. Nice that she has time to look for a job.

Maybe the moral of this plotline is Heather and Jaquan both discover what they really want to do because they met each other, while the though-to-be principal characters in their respective lives wind up only being window dressing.

Bring on the bonfire!

 

 

August 26, 2017

Today’s Guest Writer: Bob Dole

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Why else would we have all this third-person navel gazing?

Jaquan is 30.  If we’re to believe the narrative, he’s been in the NBA for about eight seasons.  Next LeBron or not, he could still earn a pretty damn good living, even at the league minimum – enough to fill his giant paws with tiny water bottles for years to come. Does he want to quit pro sports altogether, get an M.Ed., and become a high school history teacher and basketball coach?  With that atrophied right thigh and messed up ankle, he could be a lot closer to that reality than he thinks.

From the Dept. of Regional Accents: Reading P2 makes me wonder if Heather isn’t originally from New Orleans.

August 24, 2017

Or Is the NBA Tired of You?

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“Must be nice. When I was 18 I was fending off ‘consulting’ from washed-up 30-year-old hoopsters. At least you might’ve made some money off the deal.”

I really feel like something’s been missing from this whole arc: the arc of Jaquan’s NBA career. We know he had star potential BITD, but is he going from 10-day contract to 10-day contract now?  Do the Sixers Trust the Process enough to not even touch him?

Since when did Heather get a set of delts like Jaquan’s?  They weren’t there yesterday.  Did they pop out when her neck got longer?  Stay on model, Whig!

 

July 29, 2017

Eight Elbows to Hold You

July 28, 2017

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Now it’s Trey’s turn to fill in his backstory. We know he went to the College of Charleston (where Hofstra is a conference rival; thanks for the refresher, billytheskink!) but not if he went straight from there to playing pro ball in the Europe. I’m guessing he got the finance degree while playing college ball, because there’s no way a Gil Thorp-coached player has the skills (maybe the raw talent, but not the skills) to jump straight from Milford to any professional level, much less to be able to…

July 29, 2017

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… “[coach] kids to play above their talent level. Don’t get any ideas about hornin’ in on my biz, Coach Thorp. It’s not like you know how to do that, anyway.” Looking at Trey from behind in P2, do you wonder if he’s been moonlighting as they mysterious Milford Fist Pump Man for the past few years?

We still don’t know what Jaquan’s been doing since UVa, but whatever it is it’s put him in need of rehab (not the Tina Aagard kind) and back in touch with Mister Eight Elbows himself. Since we’ve been wont to look back in history with this arc, here’s a shot of Trey roughing up Jaquan in the gym BITD:

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July 27, 2017

Cavalier with the Facts

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“We are here at the Milford Country Club, where we’ve secretly replaced the lemonade they usually serve with a urine sample. Let’s see if anyone can tell the difference!”  At least I imagine that’s what the server who’s breaking the fourth wall here is thinking.

Another day of exposition on Jaquan Case, in which we learn that he spent three years at Mr. Jefferson’s University. Would Jaquan have been a contemporary of Sean Singletary? I’m grateful to have the archives* available to connect the dots on Jaquan and Trey’s backstories. (I can also see that Rubin name-dropped a couple of high schools local to me back then, too, which might’ve made me think Milford is in Pennsylvania, which it is, or at least one of them.)  Tronix may still have its fingers in Jaquan, or he may just have all that leftover swag from when his career fizzled out. We’ll learn soon.

Stick around; after that clinker of a spring arc this might be entertaining.  Who knows? Maybe Hadley V. Baxendale or Uncle Rudy will show up. Marty Moon may start wearing mascara again.

*metapost: If you have the time, I recommend visiting the archives. The TWIM hive mind contains some really long-time readers of the strip and their memories are great to have, especially if you went long years not seeing the strip as I did.  Going through the archives helps me appreciate the sense of continuity (such as it is) in the strip, as well as the vastly improved artwork – not only in terms of style but also in terms of accuracy. The sports uniforms, for example, aren’t just monogrammed shirts without numbers. Look at the Milford – Bishop Tardy game from 2005: Milford’s wearing Michigan cheerleader’s tops while Tardy’s jerseys look like something you’d punish a student with by making them wear, like a dunce cap.

April 27, 2017

Sisters Are Getting Bored for Themselves

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As the Argonia High activity bus rolls out of the Milford parking lot in a cloud of dust, Mimi wins the Captain Obvious award. Carrie’s had the better part of a year to hone her skills and grieve the unexpected loss of the team’s star pitcher. What she hasn’t been able to do is to pull herself out of the misogynistic mire at Milford High. Perhaps I’m being too harsh here; after all, people have been feigning interest in the interests of those they’re attracted to since time immemorial. Nevertheless this week’s strips feel like they’ve taken us down the path to another Bechdel Test failure.

Dafne “Dafuq?” Dafonte may be trying to break that fail streak singlehandedly. First, she made an enemy of Casper “The Friendly Brain” Heenan by exposing his profligate spending. Now, she’s alienated several members of the track team by dissing their efforts as boring to their faces. Who else will Dafne piss off before the spring arc is over? Time will tell…

February 9, 2017

Sherlock Plays the Dozens

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“Is your mom still an… um… is your mom still so fat her ass got two zip codes?”

So this is it – the start of the big reveal (well, besides the big reveal that Aaron Aagard’s Molly is a girl, not the recreational drug) that will tell us what’s truly behind Aaron’s inconsistent play. Mike Granger couldn’t start it off any more awkwardly. Sure, let me start talking about my plan to pump Aaron for mom info out loud in this shiny tiled echo chamber where Aaron’s already sitting. I can already see this devolving into a poorly played game of The Dozens.

“Mike, you’re so stupid you can’t even remember what I told you Aaron’s mom did for a living a couple of days ago.”

“Ken, your mama’s the judge, not you, so shut the hell up. So Aaron, is your mom still an actuarily?”

“Sort of. She lost her actuary job, though.”

“Oh. So your mom’s so poor she can’t even pay attention?”

“Nah. She still plays the numbers. That’s why I help her… by shaving.”

“Oh. So your mom’s so hairy, you shave her with a weed whacker.”

“No. I shave points so Milford can’t cover the spread.”

“Oh. So your mom’s like chunky peanut butter: greasy, full of nuts and easy to spread…”

 

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