This Week in Milford

July 22, 2020

Les Expos(ition) sont là, part deux

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Called it! Well, kinda sorta, except for the wearing one’s employer’s uniform in public part.

Phoebe has a habit of pointing at everything and everybody a lot, even by Milford standards, so pointing to the diner door to call out True seems a bit belabored. Corinna’s words say “big whoop” but her rapidly swelling hands say otherwise. Careful, Ms. Karenina: sassy, athletic girls who get involved with True come to bad ends.

Corrina’s zinger in P2 pretty much sums up every summer Gil Thorp arc ever and, in a more normal world, should’ve been today’s post title. But nothing is normal these days. Major League Baseball is getting ready to kick off its regular season tomorrow evening, with a 60-game schedule, new rules straight out of the sandlot, and no fans in the stands. Anything and everything that happens in the game this season will be forever tagged with the mother of all asterisks. Besides, it also gives me an excuse to post this, again, something that every wise NL East scoreboard operator should play when the Nats come to town:

Now let’s sit back for the rest of the week and wait for True to explain how he went from being Wake Forest’s QB of the future to a potential future playing in front of sparse crowds in the worst stadium in the majors, and somehow giving Gil credit for it.

March 19, 2020

A Good Samaritan Gone Bad.

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WHAT???? We went through all through this investigation and even by-passed Alexa’s development as a scoring machine down low and Chris’ development in just any category, you name it, only to find out that Teddy Blue planted a whoopee cushion to this plot because Dagwood walked on the other side of the street when Elmo got wedgied by Wee Pals and headed onto Midnight Handicap Bowling Night at Milford Lanes? Say it ain’t so.

Lesson Number One in how never to conduct a treasure hunt. We went to the Milford Public Library and went to the microfiche of all the National Geographic’s (“Milford at a Crossroads: Perspectives and Possibilities”) and the Special Collections to skip over the newspaper articles that showed pictures of Gil actually coaching (Ansel Adams shot it and put it in a scrapbook next to his pictures of Yosemite Valley) then went through Dr. Pearl’s office to see if she was still on the oxygen machine like she’s been inhaling for the last 2 centuries (gettin’ up there in years) and when she could still file away School Lunch Menus for the Month of May, we figured she could maneuver manila folders and use her lungs at the same time, then went through the girls gym where Mimi taught about life and grade point averages and taught Alexa that if you don’t score, you’ll flunk out and life will suck and you’ll wind up in Skid Row where all the other Valedictorians went who got straight A’s but refused to shoot lay-ups go for Purgatory only to learn that Teddy has a severe dearth of furniture and a chip on his shoulder. Talk about going back to square one.

“Teddy, if you want, I can call The Salvation Army and the truck should have the divan delivered by this afternoon, my treat. No hard feelings?”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Donates 1.5 Million Dollars Worth Of Neo-Georgian Living Room Suite Collectibles To Local Neighbor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I was going to throw it out anyway. Judge Ito sat in the same love seat that Aaron Burr lounged on when we were going over case briefs. Comes with an ottoman.”

 

And as Teenchy mentioned, we’re leapfrogging several episodes, presumably due to baseball and softball suddenly springing on the horizon. Not that much justice will be done to those either but let’s get through this 1 scene, skip several scenes, backtrack a scene, come back to a scene among those several scenes, take a smoke break, another scene, insert a few “meanwhile”‘s along the way in case anybody’s awake (“Meanwhile in Dr. Pearl’s office where she’s spraying Raid on the Science Lab Delivery Invoices”) , divert to the Milford Barber Shop where Gil is investigating Chris’ Kindergarten transcript for any discrepancies in his Spelling Aptitude Test scores while getting a trim and a shave, endure a couple of leftover “meanwhile”‘s (“Meanwhile, at Milford General where Mimi is getting her leg amputated after dropping a bowling ball on her foot”) , watch the last scene ride off into the sunset with Gil riding Trigger and Teddy enjoying the coffee table that Chris recovered from the Wednesday Garbage Day bin and let’s FINALLY get to Spring sports. Don’t ask me to repeat that.

 

“Pop, I found the rake next to the pile of mimeographed sheets of the SAT Answer Code. We’ll nail Teddy for sure, isn’t that right, Birmingham?”

“That most certainly is. And Mr. Chan, I saw Teddy using that rake to filter the dandruff out of his Mohawk, sho’ nuff. We’ll get him for a misdemeanor anyway. Pilfered bookstore items, if nuthin’ else.”

“#2 Son and Birmingham, there’s an ancient Chinese proverb that says ‘When the plot has ended, go check if Gil’s babysitter is still watching the kids’. Now come, let’s let Teddy drown in his Vidal Sassoon Extra Moisturizer Formula and let us partake of a well-earned rest down at The Bucket. We could stand some Bucket Steamed Split Peas.”

 

If ya git a recliner delivered in a 4-wheel drive straight ta yore livin’ room after yore other recliner pooped out from all the butt-scratchin’ from you and yore bloodhounds while ya wuz watchin’ ESPN College Football Gameday ever’ Saturday and ya donate THAT piece uv furniture ta yore neighbor so that he has a place ta put his tool box on so that his tools don’t git greasy from all the dirt on the floor, ya might be a redneck.

 

Pebbles comes over to Bam Bam’s house a week after Bam Bam got due processed from Bedrock Elementary for sticking a dead pterodactyl in her desk while she was up front singing “God Bless America” in front of the class

“Bam Bam, I just want to let you no that I still like you and even though they had to fumigate my desk, the silver lining was they sent that dead pterodactyl to the Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage plant in the Sage Sausage Processing Department.”

“Pebbles, I have always resented you. When I was trying to turn the hose on Dino and that saber-toothed cat that dumps your dad outside at the end of the show, you sent the Mau Maus after me because you were protesting animal cruelty.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Bam Bam-”

“And when your dad used a handgun on my mom’s bird that got the wheels turning on the iron so that my mom could iron my tunic, that was a low blow. Just because that bird told Fred that Wilma got poached brontosaurus eggs at fire sale prices from the Bedrock milkman, well, your dad can dish it out but he can’t take it. It took 4 days of clubbin’ that pterodactyl but if it meant watching you sing “God Bless America” like Captain Beefheart, it was worth it.”

“And I want to make it up to you. My dad is coming over later to deliver that cot to your living room. He slept on it when he was in the Bedford Army National Guard. You will be home, won’t you?”

 

I think it’s important to be a good citizen and support my local neighborhood association. Still, I’m a little befuddled to read about some chickens that were running loose in the streets when I’m not really near any significant farm

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Plant Fined $1.3 Million Dollars By EPA After Yorkshire Escapes!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Spokesperson at the plant noted that hog ran from Animal Testing Lab into Grease Monkey parking lot and contaminated the asphalt with multiple droppings.”

 

Birmingham Brown in front of the Milford High School Girls Gym, standing by the car, waiting for Charlie Chan and his son

“Boy, I sure hope Mr. Chan is okay. Man, ol’ Alexa was a walking time bomb. When his son told Mimi that instructing Alexa to pretend like she was shooting aTexas Instrument TI-89 calculator was an absurdity, I thought Gil was going to knock him on the floor for a 3-count. Thank God, I’m safe out here. Lord, I’d hate to see how dangerous he can be when he’s doing any coaching. I’ll turn in my resignation to Mr. Chan.”

Charlie Chan and his son come out of the gym

“You were right, Pop. There wasn’t any activity going on. I had a hunch that the Spalding semi with all the basketballs by the Milford Truck Stop was headed towards the Milford YMCA Campground. When he was downing a burrito, that sealed it.”

“Ya mean, I waited for you for 3 months shakin’ in my shoes only to find out THERE WAS NUTHIN’ GOIN’ ON?????”

“Birmingham, I learned from Confucius that man who sees another man with a catcher’s mitt and a volleyball in front of the pavilion should not assume that man is waiting for the 3-man officiating crew. Now, #2 son, I assume you have some Certs in your pocket. Your breath is beginning to smell like Gil’s locker at the Milford Athletic Club.”

 

I am a HUGE comic strip buff and one of my favorites is Gasoline Alley. They have been up and running for over a century and deservedly so. Frank King, the original artist, designed his backgrounds in his strips to resemble the rustic scenery of his native Wisconsin. Nice rolling hills and plenty of pastures graced the cityscape of Walter Wallet and his adopted son, Skeezix. With the seemingly ranch house conept in P3 in mind and pretending The Dells are behind the trees, Rufus and Joel show up

“Mornin’, Mr. Wallet.”

“Good morning, Joel. Good morning, Rufus.”

“Jus’ wanna le’ ya knows that if Betsy stepped inta yer ki’chen un’nvited, I’se sorry. Sumtimes ‘at mule’s gotta mind o’ its own.”

“Oh, that’s okay, Joel. We were able to save the pots and pans that were handed down from the 11th century. We had to throw out the crockery my ancestors took with them on The Mayflower. But we kept the butter churner.”

“Land sakes, tha’s good news. Rufus, you ‘n’ Melba git that box o’ ‘luminum plates off th’ wagon.”

“Yes’m”

“Rufus, I ain’t Melba. Tha’s wuss ‘n’ callin’ me Gil. Mr. Wallet, ’em plates we foun’ down by the crick. I understan’ Tiki ate off ’em when he wuz changin’ school distrikts. But I don’ think he’s returnin’ for dessert, so they’s all yorn.”

“Why, thank you, Joel. Looks like Rufus and Melba are experience trouble getting them off the wagon.”

“Rufus, you’s as worthless as this plot. Do I gotta util’ze Betsy ta tug ’em off?”

“I’s jest that the box is so he’vy, it’ll rip Melba’s skirt clean off. And we got kids ‘at read Gil an’ play bask’tball. Alexa didn’ shoo’ free t’rows ‘n’ her birt’day suit.”

“Rufus, don’ tell me th’ rules. Ya soun’ like Mimi when she’s eatin’ one o’ Melba’s possum biskits f’ breakfast. Han’ me th’ crowbar and git out o’ th’ way. Don’ worry, Mr. Wallet, we’ll git ’em dish’s off th’ wagon and ‘n’ yer livin’ room in a bit.”

“No problem, Joel. I have to go to town. I have to go pick up Skeezix from soccer practice. I’ll be back by the end of the baseball season. You’re welcome to the Lay’s Sour Cream Chips on the shag carpet in the living room. The Milford Steam-Vac guy  foamed the floor an hour ago so you should be good to go.”

“Much ‘bliged, Mr. Wallet. An’ me ‘n’ Rufus’ll git a coal shovel and git all th’ poop off the ki’chen tile. Sumtimes, Betsy’s also gotta butt o’ her own.”

 

“Birmingham!!!!!!!!!”

“Hey, Benjamin!!!!!!!!!!! Whatcha know?”

“Well, I heard that Gil-”

“You’re puttin’ me on. But didn’t Mimi-”

“Naw, the fire truck hosed it down. But-”

“You mean to tell me-”

“Yup, her kids tested negative at the clinic. They-”

“Wait a minute. I saw Gil with a shotgun-”

“Shootin’ mice in the gym-”

“Don’t blame him. Well, Ben, nice seeing you.”

“Same here, Birmingham.”

 

Today’s Women’s History Month entry is Amy Grant. I have always loved her music and I really give her props for ability to write her own songs. She started out in the early ’80’s with hits like “El Shaddai” and “Angels”, then hit her stride later in the decade with her first #1 single, a duet with Peter Cetera (formerly with Chicago) performing “The Next Time I Fall.” She scored her second #1 single, “Baby Baby”, off her blockbuster album, “Heart in Motion.” A six-time Grammy winner, I have always admired her solid Christian life, one of the few I can honestly say (unfortunately) lives the Christian faith along with telling it. Amy, you did the right thing divorcing your first husband. Just because he said he was a Christian did not a Christian necessarily make. You seem A LOT happier now. Please join me in saluting a woman who has created a serious dent in the music industry and still loves Jesus. God bless you, Amy.

 

“We’ll be back to see if Charlie Chan gets the gym open again after he proved to the Milford School Board that years of neglect didn’t prove lack of interest after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

“Man, I have always liked Charlie Chan movies. Sippin’ a Bud on the couch with Mimi snoozin’ on my shoulder and watching “Charlie Chan Goes to Milford to Stop the Rioting”, well, only  a member of the Swedish Bikini Team would make that better.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp, speaking on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse. And, sakes alive, this Coronavirus scare is affecting the nation and I can understand. And people are looking for answers.

Our Booze and Toilets promo has been enhanced with the generous cooperation of Milford Plumbing Solutions. Many toilets are contaminated and health recovery can be hindered with such a contraption stuck like one great big wart in the bathroom.

That’s why The Warehouse is here to save the day and the nation. Bring in your enfant terrible and your Milford Beverage Warehouse credit card and with a purchase of Gallo Family Moscato 1.5 Liter, you can put your problem child on the dump truck and exchange it for a Broyhill Sani-Flush Futur-ama, problem solved. Shoot, for an extra bottle, they’ll even install it. I’m glad I don’t have to use plastic gloves when Jose Cuervo runs through my system and I gotta pee me a river.

And with a purchase of a Bud Light Platinum the 24-Pak, 12 ounce cans for pennies on the dollar, The Warehouse will send the cavalry out to unclog your john. Sometimes, Grandma comes over for St. Patrick’s Day dinner and her constipation seems to be contagious. Over-consumption of green cupcakes will do that. But not all toilets are victims of The Plague. They just need a gentle push and flushing is as easy as falling off a log. And if Milford Plumbing Solutions doesn’t unclog the toilet, you still keep the booze. You’ll get something before it’s all over.

And for you hypochondriacs out there, your worries are over. With a purchase of Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whisky 750 ml for a price you potty-trained your dog with, Milford Plumbing Solutions and The Warehouse have financed free vaccinations through Milford Public Health Department to cope with the crisis. One shot in the arm and you’ll see Captain Morgan. Hope he’s got a shopping cart because the deals here at The Warehouse are no illusion. I’ll be lining up to go get my bottle.

Come down to The Warehouse and ditch that contaminated throne where it’ll be sent to Perdition, somewhere in the county. And walk out of The Warehouse with your grip on The Good Life. Tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Gang, you mean the world to me. PLEASE, all kidding aside, follow the Center for Disease Control guidelines to the nth degree. Wash your hands. Cook THOROUGHLY. Maintain proper distance. Get fresh air and sunshine.  And the cleaner air, the better. Stay active but stay smart. AND if you suspect the symptoms of Coronavirus, DON’T HESITATE GET HELP IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!

We’re America, Gang. United we stand. Let’s stand together like we have in the past. It is how we got through in the past and how we’ll get through now. God bless you all.

 

“Well, Mr. Chan, looks we wrapped up another case. You stickin’ around for baseball?”

“I respectfully decline, Mr. Thorp. My grandfather once told me that ‘Man whose feet is stuck in the mud in the batter’s box will never get the benefit of the call from the umpires on a bang-bang play’. Come, Birmingham, take me home.”

 

At the Milford Beverage Warehouse in the vaccination line

“There you are. You’ll see your Maker before you know it, if not Evan Williams. Here, Dr. Pearl, don’t forget your coat and your bottle of Jack.”

 

 

March 14, 2020

“Mimi and I washed our hands. Here, Alexa, smell ’em.”

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Well, rob went there yesterday. I was beginning to wonder how long we at TWIM could go without making mention of the current global crisis, one that could end up making the crisis that gave us the Padillas story arc a couple of seasons ago look relatively minor in comparison.

As I write a good many of us may be working from home, either by choice or by force. Some of us may already have been working from home, but travel restrictions may be keeping us from visiting our clients or customers. Rob works for the USPS, so I doubt working from home is an option for him. (Be careful out there, rob.) Some of us may see our work cut back or lost entirely. Too soon to tell.

Less than a month ago I was planning on playing hooky taking the day off from work and going into DC to see something no one has seen in ninety-five years: a major league baseball team that calls Washington home raise a world championship banner. Then the Nats announced they wouldn’t be selling single game tickets for Opening Day, that the tix would only be available as part of a season ticket plan or partial plan. (Ah yes, the sweet smell of success.) Okay, whatevs, I’ll hit StubHub. It might be another ninety-five years before it happens again.

In the words of Gilda Radner’s Emily Litella, “Never mind.” MLB cancelled the rest of spring training and postponed the start of the season by at least two weeks. The NBA, NHL, MLS, and Premier League have suspended their seasons; the XFL (look it up) canceled its season outright. The Masters, PGA and LPGA tours, and most motorsports events have been postponed. The NCAA has cancelled all remaining winter and spring sports championships; any March Madness we see will not be on a basketball court.

Where I live the schools have been closed for at least the next two weeks. The SATs scheduled for today have been postponed. High school sports have been cancelled for the remainder of the academic year, including the basketball playoffs. I guess it’s a good thing Rubin and Whigham have helped prepare us for our immediate sports-free future by turning away from sports to a few weeks of he-said, she-said about academic cheating.

Just wait until the spring story arcs start in a week or two. They’ll make the Thorpiverse look even more like a fantasy land than it already does. Stay safe, TWIMers.

Update (5:25pm EDT): In all the gloom and doom I forgot to wish you all a happy Pi Day. I took time out of my day to bake a pie – an old school Florida favorite, sour orange pie. Here’s a pic so that you may enjoy vicariously. My meringue styling skills could be better.

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February 12, 2020

It’s not often a lame joke gets called out as a lame joke in Milford

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Where we went: Alexa is hung up on an offhand remark third-grader Chris made to her third-grader self nine years ago. She’s let it affect her self-perception ever since.

Where we could have gone: The white boy who watches Jeopardy! is labeled “smart” and the black girl who watches Jeopardy! is labeled “geeky,” at least by the black girl in her own mind. Apparently nobody else got that message, or else they did and they’ve been keeping it on the down low. So much to mine here; looks like we won’t.

Where we’re going instead: To the Milford High Sanitorium  – or is that “Janitorium”? Luhm’s full janitorial arsenal is on open display above his perpetually shiny handiwork. Phoebe, who has to keep telling Alexa she’s her best friend every other time she opens her mouth, is going to play some sort of intermediary between Chris and Alexa. Maybe Chris wants to ask Alexa to the prom? Share his study guide for AP Western Civilization? Get Phoebe in the Janitorium alone, forcing her to make a tough decision between hooking up with the Mudlark QB and professing her secret love for the one she’s constantly reminding she’s her bestie?

Rubin was doing a good job keeping this story arc between the ditches, but now he’s perilously close to letting it run into the berm. Stick around to watch; I’m planning on it.

November 2, 2019

Sweet Child o’ Mine

Filed under: boring memories, freak feet, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Mimi Thorp — teenchy @ 8:38 pm

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I’ve been contributing here at TWIM for what seems like ages, and I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve lost a step when it comes to my institutional memory of the Thorpiverse. That said I’m having a hard time picking up on a couple of the details in today’s strip.  They’re as fuzzy to me as the toes on Mimi’s right foot.

First, what law prevents Gil from sharing the details of his convo with Chance Macy with Mimi? I’ve given FERPA a cursory glance and I can only surmise that Gil’s referring to Chance’s school records re his behavior, and that Mr. Coach Thorp qualifies as a “school official with legitimate educational interest” to whom a school can disclose those records without written permission from the parent or eligible student. That would cover the records, but the conversation? It’s not protected by attorney-client, accountant-client, priest-pentient, doctor-patient or therapist-patient privilege. Someone please clue me in.

Second, where in the course of the past week’s strip did we get any inkling that Chance was sad about all of this? He went walking and talking with Gil but the main thrust of that talk was the therapy he’s had and the things that set him off. (The “my so-called parents” line leaves an opening. Did they abandon Chance to his grandparents after one too many knife-throwing jags?) You know who must be sad, sweet children, Mimi? Keri and Jamie!

July 5, 2019

Old Home Week? More Like Old Home Summer

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Picking up a few of the pieces of the meet-cute backstory from yesterday. TWIM old-timers, you may want to fast-forward through this (or read this kinda summary from two summers ago).

In 2005 Jaquan Case, then playing for Bishop Tardy, was under pressure to turn pro straight out of high school. The pressure was coming from his Uncle Rudy, who was Jaquan’s guardian after the death of both of his parents, and from the sporting goods company Tronix (which would rear its head years later by sponsoring a football camp for college prospects). Meanwhile Hadley V. Baxendale, spawn of lawyers, was making her case that the Lady Mudlarks weren’t getting the perks and attention that the boys’ team was getting. Gil shot Hadley’s demands down whilst manspreading, except the one for letting the girls have the gym on a Friday night because the boys wouldn’t be using it.

After meeting Jaquan in Gil’s office (where he ducked his handler to study), Hadley decided that she needed to help Case make his case to postpone his NBA plans and go to college. With then-boyfriend Steve Luhm’s help, Hadley arranged a meeting between Jaquan, Gil, and Hadley’s lawyer father, Ed (what is it with lawyers named Ed in the comics?) who confirmed that Jaquan’s dealings with Tronix wouldn’t harm his college eligibility. Turned out Rudy could fail and Jaquan could go to college.

As a way of thanking Hadley for helping him make his case, Jaquan pulled some strings and had Tronix send new practice jerseys and game unis to the Lady Mudlarks, who proceeded to work their way through the playdowns against several teams from the Philly suburbs. What Jaquan still thought he owed Hadley is best left to the imagination.

Hello, TWIM readers. We’ve come to the point in this post where those who didn’t read through all of this will have to stand up, or sit down and scroll down the page. In fairness to those readers, we’ll now take a few seconds before we begin side two.

 

 

Thank you. Here’s side two.

Once again Gil reminds us that Milford is a man’s man’s man’s world. He can’t be bothered by such trivia as wedding dates and locations, knit hats, rally hippos, merit badges, and winning ball teams. Those spatula-shaped second-degree burns on the back of his hand might bother him, though.

Oh look, another old character pops in this summer to make us forget about golf.  This time we don’t have to go back a decade and half but only a few months to revisit the tale of Tiki Jansen. You’ll recall Tiki was a New Thayer football player who wanted out of New Thayer because he was being bullied there, so his fam rented an apartment in Milford to give him a fake address and let him play there. Looks like the Jansens are keeping up this charade but the MHS School Board has no interest. How do these plot lines come together? Probably by letting Hadley get in some pro bono work.

July 4, 2019

I Like Mike-And Jaquan Too.

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I think it is a safe bet that we will not see a golf ball, let alone a golf course in the next, oh, 18 panels (approximately 6 strips, in other words-egad) , not as long as Gil is modeling on a billboard for Bacardi Rum.

As several of our readers have mentioned, we have switched gears and are subjected to a crash course in the NBA. Just don’t expect to see Kareem, Magic, Dr. J. or Bird to appear in this Love Story wannabe.

“Here, Preppie, here’s the ball back. You got it all over my hot dog. Goddam, Preppie, the mustard stains will never come out of this blouse. Watch your passes!!!!!!!!”

Nope, we will probably go a month taking a tour of the NBA and only see Jaquan and Hadley Venom writing their 1000-words-or-less essay on how they met each other. You might wanna pull up a chair on this one. You know how home movies drag out.

On July 28th, at the 458th word

“So then he said, ‘Sure, I’ll autograph this Spalding for you. Anybody in this section got a pen?’ Then he slam-dunked on Moses Malone and dedicated it to me as a token of our vows we made with each other.”

And to think, there’ll be basketball in July to bunk the golf plot in order to boost the ratings of the readership. Boy, aren’t you excited? Why slog through another month of My Three Sons hacking away at MCC Golf Course on #5, Par 4, Dog Leg Right when you can watch 24/7 of the NBA mixed in with Jaquan Barrett IV and Hadley V. Cavalieri talk about how they got romantically involved on the S.S. Minnow while Gilligan and the Skipper engineered the whole crowd off the deserted island. And to think, it was because The Professor suggested to The Skipper to plug the hole with one of Jaquan’s shirts. It was long enough.

 

If ya git drunk with a fifth of Jack at the Milford Lounge listenin’ ta someone spill out thar guts over how they is gonna git thar shotgun weddin’ arranged at the Milford 24-Hour Chapel after meetin’ at a game of H-O-R-S-E and ya decline ta be the Best Man after the gut-spillin’ is said and done, ya might be a redneck.

 

Gil, I think you missed your calling. As mentioned previously, Chief Coach-Who-Does-No-Coaching does an admirable job posing with that Svedka, getting sloshed while listening to Jaquan ramble on about his blossoming relationship with Hadley Ventriloquist. Well, she’s practically throwing her voice in the relationship, not to mentiin in the panels.

Anyway, I hope roses don’t take this long to grow if we’re describing how long it takes for Jaquan and Hadley V. to talk about their relationship from the initial encounter to when he got down on his knees at a booth at The Bucket and proposed while she was slurping on a shake.

Hey, I got it. We could kill 2 birds with one stone. Engage another golf plot by talking about when they teed off their relationship (with the clubs and friendly words, Gang, not getting mad at each other because he was going to do a reverse slam and she got in the way) at #1, Par 3, Short Porch and culminating in when they decided to tie the knot while he is trying to dig out of the sand trap on #17, Par 5, Straightaway. To think, she became Mrs. Case while sand is flying everywhere. And he saved par.

They could talk about the Cubs’ repeat chances on #18, Par 4, Dog Leg Left since there’s time left over while Gil can get even more slushy on another Svedka. He should be sober enough to keep the club head straight with the ball. Oops, I forgot, he’s still at the MCC Bar and Grill doing his sloshing and slushing. Oh, just pretend. Gil is omnipotent, after all, if he is God. Just look at it as God portrayed as Foster Brooks.

Just think a whole month’s worth of a golf plot with “Where do I begin…etc., etc.” gently accompanying a golf plot that actually has meaning. No sense in Oliver Wendell Barrett mixing it up with punk kids. Ruins the atmosphere.

“Preppie, those teenagers need to learn some manners. And keep their hips shoulders straight when teeing off.”

 

This 4th of July, remember why we celebrate. Our Forefathers debated and argued and compromised and finally hammered out a Declaration of Independence we can all be proud of and that has more than stood the test of time. It is a model that has been emulated by governments throughout the world. Get to know this wonderful official document and your Constitution as well. Don’t let them die off in vain.

Thank you to my grandfather, Leonard Thomas Hardin, cook in the U.S Army in WWI, and my step-father, Gabriel Feltner, Jr., infantryman in the U.S. Navy in WWII, who served proudly to keep the Declaration of Independence and our Constitution alive. Please remember our Veterans in your own way to let them know it was not in vain. I always take 5 minutes a day to thank a Veteran. But do what works for you but PLEASE remember them.

Lest We Forget

 

We reach the action (in “Gil Thorp”? Talk about contradiction in terms)  part of our story in P2 where Jaquan is still in a heavy conversation with Hadley V. while running the break. Wasn’t he a center for Bishop Tardy?  I realize a lot of big men can dribble in the NBA but give us a warning, Thorpiverse. This transition from Parick Ewing when he was at Cambridge Latin to Magic on a 3-on-1 break with Worthy on one wing and Cooper on the other wing takes time to digest while we’re still getting to the bottom of “How I Met My Soulmate”.

And I realize Thorpiverse evidently doesn’t watch too many NBA games but I hate to break it to you, Thorpiverse, Jordan didn’t run the length of the floor and flip a nice dish to Pippen for a nasty flush job while negotiating with the peanut vendor for a Cracker Jack and a $10 Large Diet Coke. Oh, you owe us one, all right, Thorpiverse.

“Yeah, gimme that Mike & Ike Jelly Beans box and a Mr. Pib-NICE SHOT, PIP. WAY TO BE LOOKIN’. STILL GOT THE STROKE, MY MAN!!!!!!!!!

We now return to the game, already in progress.

 

“A bad plot brought you together?”

“After he shanked one in the woods. He told his caddy to give her an autographed program from that night. He had to take a drop after the plot landed in the algae.”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Case And V. Baxendale To Exchange Vows After He Proposes At The Milford Pro-Am Biddy Ball Tournament!!!!!!!!!!!!”

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“Case waited until after the 3rd quarter to watch his nephew play and his coach fulfill the one-quarter-per-half rule.”

 

P3 is just leaving an opening wide enough for the Milford City Dump Inc. truck to drive through.

We don’t have one but TWO Smokemaster grills. Unless the one on the left is a picnic table with headlights. Complete with matching tortilla plates.

Did the Milford Big Lots run a special on matching His and Her’s Smokemaster Special Edition Fireball Unit?

“He’s a macho guy and wants his Polish sausage and flame-broiled angus beef grilled to perfection while they’re watching Harry and Steve negotiate the Cubs to another victory at Wrigley while she much prefers her Smokemasterette to char-broil veggie burgers while waiting for the Church Finance Committee to arrive anytime. Whatever the occasion, come hungry cuz Milford Big Lots has ya covered. And don’t forget the Kingsford, now on sale for a bargain at 8.99. A veggie burger isn’t the same without it.”

BTW, Robmize, you know I’ll never change(ha).

It appears she is at HIS grill, char-broiling the moon rocks that Neil and Buzz brought back from the moon while Gil is sipping on the Worcestershire Steak Sauce bottle. Sometimes you get wrapped up in the soap opera and pick up the wrong bottle by mistake. I’m wondering why the Bud Lite tastes funny. Anyway, Jaquan and Hadley Vermont are going to Six Flags on their honeymoon.

And finally, if you ever wondered where the word “meander” comes from, you have Thorpiverse to thank. To have gone from Chicago to Milford Country Club Golf Course to Milford Country Club Waffle House to Chicago to the poop deck in Gil’s back yard watching Mimi grill the Rice Krispies treats to anthracite coal black is a fait d’accomplait, let me assure you.

 

 

After seeing a “Clearance” sign on the storefront of Family Dollar

 

“Has someone died in your family? No better time to choke on a piece of KFC Mashed Potatoes than now.

Hi, this is Dr. Pearl for Milford Funeral Solutions. When my great grandfather died after serving proudly in the Norman Conquest, I was strapped for funds to locate an affordable casket. An administrator’s salary only goes so far.

Fortunately, Milford Funeral Solutions was there to ride to my rescue. They were backlogged with caskets in so many directions. Some were placed in the practice field of the Mudlark Football team, an Amish tent that was bought at a bargain and a dance the only thing keeping the mahogany structures from getting damaged by the elements. Nobody was dying. Everybody was taking their medicines and getting their flu shots at Milford Pharmacy.

We were able to scratch each other’s backs for a deal. They sold me a casket worthy of the Batesville Casket name, one where my great grandfather could lie in peace and still be allowed to mount his Purple Heart on his tummy. He’d had acid reflux but anyone who almost gunned down William the Conquerer with his derringer deserved the finest in funeral care without having to throw in his Winchester to cover the burial expenses.

And this week, Milford Funeral is running a BOGO special. That is correct, the Funeral Director at Milford Funeral Solutions is wanting to clear ’em out and make room for the new models coming in this week. So, rather than leave the older ones high and dry in a vacant lot behind Milford Federal Credit Union, our Ambassador in Funeral Relations has proffered this 2-for-the-price-of-one special to help both parties reach light at the end of the tunnel. If Jed Clampett accidently blew his head off while cleaning his rifle and Jethro didn’t survive the shotgun wedding, Milford Funeral Solutions knows how to ease the pain and the pocketbook at the same time. Viewing Jed and Jethro and knowing you’re only financing one of the funeral processions, an affordable cost at that, putting you in the tax bracket with the Beverly Hillbillies, if that doesn’t bring peace of mind, Elly May shouldn’t sneak in while the organ is playing “Beautiful Dreamer”.

And giving my great-grandfather the 21-gun salute while burying him with the drapeau du France draped over his pectoralis major and the Republic of France banner raised in his honor at the Milford VFW Lodge, Post 19, was a special tribute that tore my heart out but not my purse. I still had that after they named the Legion Baseball Field after him as a bonus.

When you get this kind of kindness, it is no wonder why they can clear the caskets off Gil’s hunting property just outside Milford. The buzzards are for hunting, not perched on an oak structure. Come see them today and have your own buzzards removed from your loved ones resting place.”

 

Comment away, Gang. Be forewarned that after seeing the bill of fare in P3, I am now convinced that Gil’s back yard is the only place in America where even the foreigners say “Don’t drink the water.”

 

“CUBS WIN!!!!!!!!!! CUBS WIN!!!!!!! Steve, you done with that barbecue pork chop sandwich?”

“Have at it. I can’t eat another bite. Gil and Mimi grilled enough to feed the Bleacher Bums.”

 

 

 

 

 

July 3, 2019

Jaquan Muffed a Pass But He Couldn’t Pass a…

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Aww, time for the meet-cute (more specifically, the meet-again-cute).  Over dishes stolen from the Coffee Cantina, Gil pretends to care about how Jaquadley hooked up. Deep into his second round of Long Island iced tea, he starts to slump in his chair as Hadley – thankfully not referring to herself in the third person – goes into flashback mode.  Guessing the rounded frame corners are Whigham’s shorthand for a flashback, not going full Batiuk with sepia tones and photo album corners.

Given Rubin’s poor pacing abilities, I have no clue how long he will drag this flashback out. If it ends up with Steve Luhm peering angrily through the Milford CC dining room windows before being tossed out on his ear, it might hold my interest.

 

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