This Week in Milford

November 24, 2021

What the Hell, Milford?

What fresh hell is this? A one-score game and we get an exposition? What the hell, Rubin?

And Mudlarks? Your QB hurts his arm and you fall to pieces worse than Patsy Cline? He couldn’t run the ball or hand it off to your star tailback? You know, that star tailback who turns away fan mail from recruiters, who had the State U running backs coach show up in person only to blow him off? He couldn’t suck it up and put the offense on his shoulders? And what’s with your o-lineman who can’t throw a block unless he can believe in pseudoscience? What the hell, Thorp?

Same question goes to little gymnast volleyball girl: You can’t take responsibility for your own health, listen to your body when it tells you to dial it back a notch? You want to rely on the same pseudoscience lineman boy did and blame the QB when it predictably fails? What the hell, Kianna?

Gil Thorp has to be the worst motivator in the history of coaching. He’s no Kirby Smart, that’s for sure. Mimi’s not much better. Then again, what can you expect from a bunch of superstitious, undisciplined-ass tank town kids?

meta: Thanks, tdrew, for covering for me on Saturday.

November 17, 2021

Shrinky Dinks

That Boyd. He needles because he cares, bless his heart.

Doesn’t the fact that Tevin played along with Boyd’s con make him at least somewhat culpable for Kianna’s injury, if not the duping of the Mudlarks and that algebra test kid? I mean, just look at those vacant stares of hope from the student body, not to mention the epidemic of diastema. The responsible thing for him to do now is to bench himself (if not quit the team outright) and sink Milford’s shot at the playdowns.

The only believable panel today is the last one. It isn’t anyone’s business if Tevin was seeing a shrink but when you’re writing a story, don’t you think there should be some hint of exposition before you drop your plot twist? I suppose the next thing we’ll learn is that Chance Macy has already committed to joining the Marines after graduation? He’ll be seeing South Carolina dirt alright, but on Parris Island rather than in Death Valley.

meta: I’ll be on the road on Saturday, so asking publicly if one of my fellow bloggers can cover for me. I’ll gladly return the favor, just say when. Okay? Okay!

November 13, 2021

Idiots, Useful and Otherwise

Steve Luhm’s doing his job just a bit too well these days, amirite? Oh, wait. It wasn’t the hallways of Milford High that Kianna landed on; it was one of those pesky gym mats somewhere else in the Valley. Too bad she had some fly-by-night gym trainer checking her out. You know Rick Scott would’ve had her up and running with some horse liniment and a couple of greenies. Then again, she must’ve done something serious to her head for her to be able to push her finger into her skull that far.

She knew the Spiller show was all a ruse yet she tried to convince herself otherwise. No matter that Tevin has said so much on multiple occasions (as has Gordon); Kianna wanted to believe the kid getting a B on his algebra test was proof of Boyd’s magic. So what remains? Will she call Spiller out in the cafeteria, causing everyone who thought he was magic to lose faith and bring all the Milford sportsball seasons crashing to earth?

The only subplot left to tie up is the mystery of why Chance Macy has no professed interest in his life after high school. There have been so few hints to his backstory to piece it together that it’s anybody’s guess. Don’t bet against it being as contrived and anticlimactic as possible.

November 6, 2021

Push It Real Good

Ever notice how

Tevin always wears orange?

He a Clemson fan?

Never mind Tevin;

Something’s up with Kianna

She’s draggin’ today

Kianna, a tip:

Try rattling your bracelets

That’ll keep you up

But no! Kianna

Wants to try something different

Not give up a sport!

Yep, Boyd is gonna be

the next Bobby Howry

but minus the drugs

What foolishness next?

Maybe next week the Mudlarks

Try ivermectin

October 30, 2021

Tevin Claxton, Enabler

Well now he’s done it. By tolerating and encouraging Boyd Spiller’s YouTube-gotten powers of hypnosis, then leading the Mudlarks to victory, Tevin’s got the Milford student body convinced that Boyd’s some kind of magic man. Another Bobby Howry, minus the drugs but still with the placebo effect. Now some lunk thinks Boyd hypnotized him into getting a better grade on his algebra test. Next thing you know Kianna Bello will have Boyd hypnotize her into being able to juggle volleyball and gymnastics without neglecting her studies or passing out on a table. Nah, that one will require the drugs.

Gordon Achebe once again tries to be the voice of reason. He might not be the team captain, but here he’s Captain Obvious. Gordon is – or has been – the voice of Chance Macy this season, at least to the Milford Star. Chance has been willfully ignorant of his college prospects, pawning them off on his custodial grandparents and his custodial head coach. Even the Milford High office staff are getting tired of this schtick. Think Boyd can hypnotize him into caring about life after high school?

October 27, 2021

Say “Wing-T” again. I dare you. I double-dare you…

Alright alright alright, a second day of action after a week of hypnosis and it’s not trying to cram multiple games in one strip. Pinch me, I’m dreaming. Let’s get to it and break down the film:

P1: In the visitors locker room at New Thayer, a dismayed Kaz either is grasping for a second-half strategy or trying to figure out why Tevin has a Black head but a White arm. If the Mudlarks run the play he’s drawn up, they’ll get flagged for an illegal formation (too few men on the line of scrimmage) and an ineligible receiver downfield (a lineman, really?).

P2: If the New Thayer QB had as much time in the pocket as it took me to figure out if he was getting rushed by DeEldrick Boston or DE Eldrick Boston, he should’ve gotten the pass off with plenty of time to spare. Pretty sure it’s the latter, as we were introduced to Eldrick as the starting first baseman as a sophomore in 2020 and he was giving the chicks something to dig back in the spring. That should make Eldrick a senior by now and no doubt he wants to impress those college scouts Chance Macy’s been ignoring.

P3: One of the reasons Milford’s trailing at the half is that New Thayer’s been loading up the box against the Delaware Wing-T. Gil tests Tevin’s memory of rage comic memes or How I Met Your Mother catchphrases, and Tevin passes with flying colors. Now let’s see if Boyd’s hyp-mo-sis helps Tevin get the ball into his receivers’ hands. Might help if those receivers start looking the ball into said hands.

October 23, 2021

“I love the Delaware Wing-T. It is much better than ‘Cats.’ I’m going to run it again and again.”

Spiller invites Claxton to his place over to get hyp-mo-tized to fix a nonexistent problem. Teammates Serrano and Achebe come along for moral support, or material witness, or something.

Spiller brings Claxton out of his hypmotic state. Claxton is rested and ready. Satisfied with his results, Spiller is ready to leave. Can you imagine being so boring that you forget you’re in your own house?

Maybe Serrano will remind him, after raising the Whigham-required gratuitous finger. (Someone forgot to tell Serrano the correct phrase in Milford is “Ease up,” not “Hold up.”) What could be so crucial that Serrano needs to drag out this charade? Did Spiller forget to give Claxton a trigger word?

What word might that be? Have at it in the comments, gentle readers. Post title inspiration below.

October 16, 2021

Is Everybody Happy?

Filed under: Brown Hair, Goshen, Heather Burns, Milford Idiots — teenchy @ 9:33 pm

Sorry I’m so late with today’s post, y’all. I’ve been feeling like my posts have been kind of slapdash, written in haste. I feel the need to step back, remember the early days when I just joined the rotation, and focus on the core of what makes Gil Thorp Gil Thorp: the sportsball.

What’s been at the core of Mudlark football this season? The Delaware Wing-T! Where best to brush up on the Delaware Wing-T? Why, Delaware of course!

So tonight’s post comes to you from the heart of Blue Hen Country itself. On to the postgame report…

Well that was anticlimactic. With Milford up 13 in the third quarter, Tevin Claxton had a pass tipped and picked off. Was Goshen able to capitalize on the turnover? Doesn’t look that way; they ended up losing by 24! From midway the third, Milford outscored Goshen 21-10. When did Goshen think kicking another field goal made sense? Only if they actually did score off that pick and hung their ten to get within 23-20 before Milford reeled off three touchdowns. Otherwise it’s garbage time stuff to beat the spread.

Trying to play Saturday night quarterback and figure out how the rest of the game played out is about as productive as trying to figure out who this rando brunette is why Gil feels he needs to fluff Goshen in his postgame presser with Heather. Beating your opponent by four scores is solid but come on, Goshen hasn’t been good in ages. Let’s go to where the real action is – the Milford locker room.

Tevin’s a cool customer; he didn’t let that pick bother him and he drove the team onward to victory. He doesn’t even let this undersized beady-eyed punk lineman get to him. The only problem Tevin really has is trying to make time with burn-the-candle-at-both-ends Kianna. Boyd Spiller is intent on making himself a problem for Tevin, though. Tevin might laugh it off but it won’t be long until the rest of his teammates won’t.

What havoc they may wreak on young Spiller remains to be seen. I’m just waiting for the reveal of why Boyd feels compelled to call Tevin a choker every time a play doesn’t go as planned. Did Tevin ignore him while a bunch of other jocks were bullying him? Steal the pudding cup off his lunch tray, or what?

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