Where Were You the Day The Bucket Got Its Liquor License?

teenchy here. Dunno where robmize is. I’ve got a busy afternoon and evening ahead of me so I’m not gonna wait any longer and put up a double post. I’ll be traveling next weekend so hopefully rob, or Ned, or tdrew can cover for me then. Heck, maybe even timbuys could pop back in for a cameo. (Tim, you out there bud? Miss you here in the rotation.) Anyhoo, on with the show.

September 24, 2021

No clue who Chance’s blocker Gordon Achebe is IRL (any relation to the famed author of Things Fall Apart?) but Kimberly Gordon-Achebe is Program Director of the University of Maryland Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Fellowship and consultant of the Programs for Assertive Community Treatment (PACT)-child division.  There was a Gordon Achebe on the team last year, but he looked a little different back then. This year’s Gordon isn’t about picking sides in a QB controversy but more about covering for his triple-threat backfield teammate, Chance Macy.

Chance has been around since 2019 so we really shouldn’t be learning much of anything new about him. He lives with his grandparents; his parents haven’t been in the picture and he doesn’t hold them in high regard. He has (or at least had) anger management issues. He got plenty of exposition during that season while Chet Ballard tried to smear him to win his stepson some playing time and his love.

Heather was in Iowa while all this was happening, so it’s news to her. Maybe she should take that superfluous finger off her temple and use it to Google some of Marjie’s old articles from the past two seasons before she decides it’s news for Star readers. Off to The Bucket for postgame festivities…

September 25, 2021

… and a surprise appearance from Kianna Bello, who apparently had back-to-back sports practices but got to catch the Mudlark football game. Guessing volleyball practice came first; there’s no way Mimi would schedule an event that conflicted with Gil’s! No, Mudlark sports reign supreme, and Mudlark football reigns the supremest. It doesn’t take an Alexa Watson to figure out that Kianna will be dropping gymnastics quicker than you can say “I’ll take my Bucket Daiquiri in a go-cup, please and thank you.”

Passed out face-down in a booth isn’t a good look on a star athlete. Either learn to hold your liquor or stop burning the candle at both ends. All that’s missing from this amusing scene is a puddle of drool coming from Kianna’s mouth.

Washing Cars With Tevin

The new plot is starting of at Tevin Claxton’s house. (Rubin must have used a random name generator for that name.) Today’s strip features Tevin driving his parents’ cars to two different charity car washes, each by different sports teams, volleyball and gymnastics. Well, that’s one way to work the girls’ teams into the plot, Rubin. Have them washing cars for horny boys. The cars in Milford are all filthy, so there’s no limit to how many charity car washes it can hold in one day.

Oh yeah, Tevin has to stop at the drugstore for a few things for his mother. A few things at the drugstore. I try not to buy anything at the drugstore besides my prescription medications. Unless I’m looking for a specific OTC cough medicine or something. Maybe Milford doesn’t have a big box store or a grocery store and the citizens do all their shopping at the KwikEMart and the drugstore. Yeah, I know. Who cares? Lets see what Tevin Claxton’s deal is.

What Is It About Industrial Solvent Sales That Leads People to a Life of Crime?

So much for Carter’s – I mean, Carson’s – stint in the Witness Protection Program. Little Miss Investigative Reporter Wannabe has joined the MCC (why else would she be wearing the same colored polo shirt as everyone else? Maybe it’s a Bemidji State polo shirt), thrown on no fewer than six of her extra jangly bracelets and blown his cover. Time for him to hit the road, create another alias and sell stolen golf shoes from the trunk of his car.

It’s been a long day at work (meta) and it’s not over yet so yhs is firing off a late post. I could spend the rest of the evening trying to analyze this so it makes some kind of logical sense but why try? Rubin is throwing exposition left and right to make this golf cheat – clearly the lowest form of humanity in the Thorpiverse – look like even more of a criminal. The Milford Country Club is not a court of competent jurisdiction but here it carries more weight than the Supremes. Do we even have to point out that being charged with a crime isn’t the same thing as being convicted of it? By the end of the week Carson/ter will have been found to be behind the art heist from the Gardner Museum and the ammonium nitrate explosion in Beirut.

How did Hendry/ricks get younger looking from P1 to P3? Is he going to de-age with each accusation until he turns into a fetus, or was he really this age to begin with? Come to think of it, couldn’t these photos of him online have been deepfaked? We know Google exists in the Valley so the “1959 with cell phones” excuse can’t last for much longer.

Really, instead of looking all deer-in-the-headlights and throwing up the jazz hands, all he had to do was stonewall, call Heather’s little screen grabs “fake news” and he’d have been in the clear. After all, if you repeat a lie often enough, doesn’t it become the truth? Tens of millions would agree.

Are U Experienced (At Sitting On Furniture)?

Aw, just when we were getting Titleist-deep in the MCC/Carter Hendricks wagering saga, we have to cut away to the other plot element, Heather burns seeking employment.

At the Milford Star, Dale and Marjie have a quick chat at the coffee urn about the impressive Heather Burns. It kinda sounded like Heather had a good chance at this plum, entry level print media job, but maybe I read sweaty Marjie the wrong way when she previously spoke to Heather. Yeah, Dale. She lacks experience, but do you have a long line of seasoned journalists beating a path to your door, itching to cover Milford Library Board meetings? Are you prepared to offer an attractive salary to lure proven talent away from bigger media markets? I don’t think so Dale. Now be careful with that coffee. You’re splashing it all over and your mom doesn’t work here so you need to clean up after yourself (and don’t you dare leave that mess for Marjie or there will be hell to pay!)

In the meantime, impressive Heather Burns discovers something on her laptop. Is it a groupon for half off subs at the Sub Standard? a pop-up ad for the Chunky Bracelet Emporium? an email with an incredible job offer from an industrial solvent firm? a dick pic from Cart Hendricks? I guess we’ll find out.

Hey Heather, are you experienced?

What Happened to Janet?

So it’s now the
Milford Diner?
It’s no longer
Named for Janet?
‘Cause it must be
Janet’s Diner
There can’t be
one more in Milford

An old stomping
ground for Heather
Not like she
doesn’t know the place
And like a
chronic illness
there’s still
that snoop Maureen

So what’s up with
Marjie Ducey?
Does she have
the inside angle?
Did she get it
From Dale Parry?
‘Cause she didn’t
Interview her

Don’t you think
It’s kinda weird
That they’re talking
About work
When Heather has
no job offer?
It seems
so premature

“You say you
were an intern
Can you make
a cup of coffee?
See, I am
The top reporter
I’m not giving
up that title”

“So you’d better
find another role
Like selling
website ad space
You don’t see me
Coaching football players!
You should
Just stay in your lane!”

“Hey Ms. Ducey –
I mean ‘Marjie’ –
I’m not gunning
for your title
I’m just trying
to earn money
Since Coach Thorp
Ain’t payin’ bupkis“

“I have covered
boring meetings
Filled with all the
Self-important
Like that blowhard
Abel Brito
I think
I get the drift”

“Well alright,
then it’s settled
You can go case
the Country Club
I’ve heard that
There’s been gambling
And it’s not
the legal kind…”

“So if you break the story…
And we publish it
Under my byline…”

“I’ll pick up the next drink tab
and you can save some dough…”

“Life Is Good” Only Works on T-shirts

Sometimes a song parody is appropriate. Sometimes a song already has appropriate lyrics. This is one of those times.

The second verse is particularly fitting:

I’ve got a story, ain’t got no moral
Let the bad guy win every once in a while
I’ve got a story, ain’t got no moral
Let the bad guy win every once in a while

Is this the first Gil Thorp story arc in which the bad guy – mustachioed, ill-tempered, clearly antagonistic toward a kid – does not receive his comeuppance? And he’s going to be allowed to continue his antagonism unabated? What fresh hell is this?

Everything’s just gonna be hunky-dory from now on. Zane will show up for dinner at the Britos once a week to eat heaping helpings of white food with a side of belly button fan service while listening to Abel rant about having the library provide any kind of service. He must not have heard about the Boo Radley Memorial Little Free Library; if he had he’d probably have run on a platform of closing the Milford Public Library and using it instead.

Today’s final panel has that freeze-frame, roll credits feel of an arc-ender. Let’s pray that it is. ¡Ay, Dios mio!

Like A Tragedy

Katy and Zane are still riffing on this Romeo and Juliet nonsense? Sheathe your weapon Katy, Chief Lind expressly hath forbidden bandying in Milford streets. Did we really have to check in with these star crossed idiots again for a single panel accounting for half the tags on this post. Katy has all the chunky accoutrements and is posing in front of a prairie style window. It’s enough to make you plotz.

There’s more baseball to be played. Oh joy. Marty has to drag the crate out in the summer heat and document Zane Romeo Clark’s exploits on the mound. He’s probably sitting on a cooler full of iced cold Schlitz.

Round about the time Marty is cracking open his tenth beer, Valley Tech gets on the board and we watch a relay throw coming in from the outfield. Yawn. Is there any of that pie left?

Scott Kempner of The Dictators and The Del Lords, take it away:

Cupcake Monday

Gil ushers Mimi out to pursue her Get Corina Karenna To Go To College plan. I think that’s Gil’s arm making an ushering gesture. The arm has hair on it even though it doesn’t look like it should be attached to his shoulder there. Mimi is keeping the details of her plan to herself, just like she probably didn’t fill Gil in on what her class is. Gil will have to ask the students. They’ll tell him it the class is Hitting the Vape Pen While Looking at TikTok and that he’ll probably buy it.

Mimi’s secret plan is to talk to Ms. Karenna. I don’t think anybody has done that. I think you have to schedule that through Maureen at the diner. Mimi is going in armed with cupcakes. Cupcakes open doors, especially when you buy them from Saul Bass(?).

Corina’s mom invites Mimi in and makes them some tea to wash down those door opening cupcakes and they get down to business.

Since we’ve never seen Ms. Karenna before, we’ve only heard about her indirectly through Corina. Is Ms. Karenna as troubled as Corina has let on? I’m not even aware if Mimi has any awareness of Corina’s assessment. Ms. Karenna knows that Corina is worried about her, but does she know what Corina has said about her. Maybe Corina isn’t being straight or maybe she is and Mimi’s going to find out first hand about Ms. K’s troubles. Hold on to your cupcakes.