This Week in Milford

July 28, 2021

What Happened to Janet?

So it’s now the
Milford Diner?
It’s no longer
Named for Janet?
‘Cause it must be
Janet’s Diner
There can’t be
one more in Milford

An old stomping
ground for Heather
Not like she
doesn’t know the place
And like a
chronic illness
there’s still
that snoop Maureen

So what’s up with
Marjie Ducey?
Does she have
the inside angle?
Did she get it
From Dale Parry?
‘Cause she didn’t
Interview her

Don’t you think
It’s kinda weird
That they’re talking
About work
When Heather has
no job offer?
It seems
so premature

“You say you
were an intern
Can you make
a cup of coffee?
See, I am
The top reporter
I’m not giving
up that title”

“So you’d better
find another role
Like selling
website ad space
You don’t see me
Coaching football players!
You should
Just stay in your lane!”

“Hey Ms. Ducey –
I mean ‘Marjie’ –
I’m not gunning
for your title
I’m just trying
to earn money
Since Coach Thorp
Ain’t payin’ bupkis

“I have covered
boring meetings
Filled with all the
Like that blowhard
Abel Brito
I think
I get the drift”

“Well alright,
then it’s settled
You can go case
the Country Club
I’ve heard that
There’s been gambling
And it’s not
the legal kind…”

“So if you break the story…
And we publish it
Under my byline…”

“I’ll pick up the next drink tab
and you can save some dough…”

July 10, 2021

“Life Is Good” Only Works on T-shirts

Sometimes a song parody is appropriate. Sometimes a song already has appropriate lyrics. This is one of those times.

The second verse is particularly fitting:

I’ve got a story, ain’t got no moral
Let the bad guy win every once in a while
I’ve got a story, ain’t got no moral
Let the bad guy win every once in a while

Is this the first Gil Thorp story arc in which the bad guy – mustachioed, ill-tempered, clearly antagonistic toward a kid – does not receive his comeuppance? And he’s going to be allowed to continue his antagonism unabated? What fresh hell is this?

Everything’s just gonna be hunky-dory from now on. Zane will show up for dinner at the Britos once a week to eat heaping helpings of white food with a side of belly button fan service while listening to Abel rant about having the library provide any kind of service. He must not have heard about the Boo Radley Memorial Little Free Library; if he had he’d probably have run on a platform of closing the Milford Public Library and using it instead.

Today’s final panel has that freeze-frame, roll credits feel of an arc-ender. Let’s pray that it is. ¡Ay, Dios mio!

July 5, 2021

Like A Tragedy

Katy and Zane are still riffing on this Romeo and Juliet nonsense? Sheathe your weapon Katy, Chief Lind expressly hath forbidden bandying in Milford streets. Did we really have to check in with these star crossed idiots again for a single panel accounting for half the tags on this post. Katy has all the chunky accoutrements and is posing in front of a prairie style window. It’s enough to make you plotz.

There’s more baseball to be played. Oh joy. Marty has to drag the crate out in the summer heat and document Zane Romeo Clark’s exploits on the mound. He’s probably sitting on a cooler full of iced cold Schlitz.

Round about the time Marty is cracking open his tenth beer, Valley Tech gets on the board and we watch a relay throw coming in from the outfield. Yawn. Is there any of that pie left?

Scott Kempner of The Dictators and The Del Lords, take it away:

June 21, 2021

Cupcake Monday

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, Gil Thorp, Mimi Thorp, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 3:40 am

Gil ushers Mimi out to pursue her Get Corina Karenna To Go To College plan. I think that’s Gil’s arm making an ushering gesture. The arm has hair on it even though it doesn’t look like it should be attached to his shoulder there. Mimi is keeping the details of her plan to herself, just like she probably didn’t fill Gil in on what her class is. Gil will have to ask the students. They’ll tell him it the class is Hitting the Vape Pen While Looking at TikTok and that he’ll probably buy it.

Mimi’s secret plan is to talk to Ms. Karenna. I don’t think anybody has done that. I think you have to schedule that through Maureen at the diner. Mimi is going in armed with cupcakes. Cupcakes open doors, especially when you buy them from Saul Bass(?).

Corina’s mom invites Mimi in and makes them some tea to wash down those door opening cupcakes and they get down to business.

Since we’ve never seen Ms. Karenna before, we’ve only heard about her indirectly through Corina. Is Ms. Karenna as troubled as Corina has let on? I’m not even aware if Mimi has any awareness of Corina’s assessment. Ms. Karenna knows that Corina is worried about her, but does she know what Corina has said about her. Maybe Corina isn’t being straight or maybe she is and Mimi’s going to find out first hand about Ms. K’s troubles. Hold on to your cupcakes.

May 19, 2021

When The Mudlarks Don’t Play, It’s a Slow News Day

Funny how you don’t realize the pleasure you got from little things you did pre-pandemic until you get to do them again. In yhs’s case it was reading periodicals in waiting rooms. If I didn’t have that opportunity earlier this week, I’d have never learned that politician/activist/novelist Stacey Abrams’ mother was a librarian and basically used the library as Stacey’s babysitter (as did, apparently, the author of the article’s parents). Regardless of your political persuasion, you have to acknowledge that library access helped inspire these women to do great things. Who’s to say that access couldn’t do the same for Zane Clark or some other Milford kid?

Maybe not Abel Brito, if that’s where this plot is heading.

Why Ms. Birdie Wampfler feels whatever Zane has up his sleeve is newsworthy, why Marjie knows who’s dating whom at Milford High, or why the Milford Star would act on her anonymous tip is beyond me. Could be that beyond the world of Milford High sports nothing really happens in this tank town and the Star is desperate for news of any kind. Probably it’s more like Rubin feeling the need to drag this story out longer than necessary. All I know is that if Marjie’s co-worker/editor/boss is that worried about messing up her manicure, she should just press the buttons on her phone with the end of a pencil or something.

May 1, 2021

Baby Brito

Abel Brito is a pest
Fixating on the library
Why can’t he give it a rest?
Why must he be so contrary?

Katy Brito loves her guy
She’s thankful that her dad isn’t meaner
Gonna give Zane a surprise
After swinging by the Cantina

She knows what it’s about
You’d think she’d thought this out
You might as well just shout
It’s gonna get Zane kicked out

And then they started sucking face
Katy brought a little cream and sugar
Can’t bring food into this place
Who said anything about coffee?

Though he didn’t play last year
Zane should remember ’bout the former Mayor
If he gets tossed out on his ear
It’s the end of him as a player

She knows what it’s about
You’d think she’d thought this out
You might as well just shout
It’s gonna get Zane kicked out

You know it’s no butter knife
But if he gets banned for life
What will he do at night?

What will Zane do after this?
Can’t buy a new computer
Maybe he’ll take his bro and sis
Sit in the car and wait and be a commuter

If Abel Brito has his way
No computers, no drinks, no eating
Family’s gonna make him pay
Givin’ him a verbal beating

He knows what it’s about
You’d think he’d thought this out
He might as well just pout
When he sees his daughter make out

(apologies to the late Elliott Smith)

April 28, 2021

More Posts About Softball and Food

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, huge earrings, Mimi Thorp, softball — teenchy @ 9:09 am

Did we miss the return of Beau Dandy to the strip? Oh, wait, it’s just another Milfordian using a term no one else has this century. At least their euphemism for doing the deed is current. Good thing that pork loin came with a side of smashed potatoes.

That dull thud you hear is me banging my head against my desk at the physical return of Lotus Cortina Anna Karenina. Even Mimi is sick of her crap to the point she can’t be bothered to make eye contact. Didn’t she get the memo? She’s not at Valley Mod anymore, no more free food on the Milford dime. Well, uh, maybe we can make this one exception, especially since Mimi’s gonna lay something heavy on her. Just what unearned benefit will be bestowed on Milford’s self-anointed Greek chorus and righter of wrongs? Will Mimi finally acknowledge that her coaching skills are nonexistent beyond soothing words and hand over the reins to Mary Sue Karenna? Will she simply tell Corina she needs to split catching duties with the senior she pushed out from behind the plate? Or is it just time for Corina to pass on the communal pair of big round earrings to the next girl?

April 22, 2021

Way To Be Tactful, Gruff Daddy.

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, Gil Thorp, huge earrings — tdrewhardin @ 1:09 pm

Gang, going down Memory Lane one more time, there was this scene in Wait ’til Your Father Gets Home where Harry Boyle gets Father of the Year at some organization meeting but his kids refuse to come to the banquet to honor him. After Harry finally puts his foot down, his daughter, Alice agrees to go but only in this outfit that is, shall we say, pretty revealing. She’s not terribly attractive and that just compounds the problem. It’s like watching someone in serious need of Weight Watchers displaying more under the hood than necessary. Don’t go to the banquet showing off that rusty radiator.

Well, Irma Boyle finally settles Harry down, a key perhaps in finding a solution to the impasse. She tells Harry to be tactful, something Harry agrees to but then when Alice walks in to join them for breakfast, Harry blurts out


So why were we NOT surprised that not only are we getting needlessly sidetracked from Spring sports, Gruff Daddy wasn’t about to keep his word? Not that the smile by Mrs. Gruff Daddy wasn’t an indication that Jerry Lawler was going to go ahead and throw the Mrs.Reference Librarian through the ropes anyway even though Lance Russell made The King swear on a stack of Bibles that he’d be on his best behavior. Well, you know what they say, the best laid plans of Pro Wrestling and Spring sports do indeed get smashed into the turnbuckle.

C’mon, judging by the way Brito Butt is standing in P1, does anyone possibly interpret that to mean he’s going to be Ward Cleaver and talk about what Katy and Beaver have for homework? No sir, ol’ Ward Brito ain’t about to talk about who’s playing Kate in “Taming of the Shrew” although it came down to Katy (no relation) and Gruff Daddy. Only too much travel, especially to the Milford Public Library, kept the part from being awarded to Shrew Daddy.

And what the Hell is he doing standing there ANYWAY? Is he the dining room monitor? He has enough on his plate roaming the aisles of the library performing an audit on the number of National Geographic’s read off the magazine rack to even care how Mrs. Gruff Daddy sets the silverware. Does he give her demerits if she places the spoon on the wrong side of the tureen? Fines her every time she doesn’t place a napkin under the steak knife? And place that Coffee-Mate creamer next to the bowl of mashed potatoes or no TV tonight.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O. J. And Cochran Still In An Imbroglio With Judge Ito Over Community Service Sentencing!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I need to get my substitute teacher license to perform cafeteria duty. There’s a trick in motivating kids to putting their trays in the dispenser and throwing away their Ho Ho wrappers.”

Vaganova, I just gotta say this, I LOVE your take on the high school names. They did indeed sound like names that had to have come from somewhere. Your analysis is priceless. Keep it up, My Man.

Doncha just love the layout in P1? Chunky bracelets, flying saucers, and roses that call Gruff Daddy his proper due. Man, does the FTD Florist deliver hyacinths that yell “YOUR MOTHER SUCKS A GARDEN HOSE IN MILFORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!”? Maybe I don’t want to know. I was just being hypothetical. Don’t take me serious, Thorpiverse, and call Milford Florist for the truth. I can just see this same collection of roses, when no one is looking, in a tete-a-tete with Gruff Daddy

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone that you occasionally hump the coffee table because you have a severe case of jock itch.”

“You have 12 books overdue? It’ll be our little secret.”

“And they’re mostly Harlequin Romances? Mum’s the word. You’ve had to work lately, we roses understand.”

“And I won’t tell the Milford Bugle that you and Chet Ballard broke into Coach Thorp’s house to smear him by taking pictures of those Penthouse’s under his mattress.”

Gruff Daddy at the mercy of Wine and Roses, what a way to start off the Spring plot.

And in the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects, WHAT is to the left on the table? The vessel Gazoo utilizes when he drops into the Burrito residence unexpectedly? Did he fly through the chimney right before din-din? This ought to be interesting, Zane and Gazoo listening to Gruff Daddy bitching about the empty seats and replacing them with Milford Gaming Casino. You mean every day isn’t a holiday at Milford Public Library???? I don’t know, me and Gazoo think the microfiche of Milford History-The Roaring ’20’s After Harding Succumbed To A Heart Attack And Normalcy is the life of the party at any household, including yours. After you’ve monitored all the chunky bracelets, you might want to check it out.

If ya set the table with the sporks ya obtained at the 7-11 and the knives ya use ta cut yore hoses under the hood and use oil pans fer plates when ya run out of Chinet paper dishes, ya might be a redneck.

Oh, that’s a real conversation starter in P2. And then, to add insult to Gil, Gruffbudget is answering his own question in P3. Looks like this is going to be one Hell of a soliquy at the Brito household this evening. What’s he going to do when the conversation gets to the weather or the Cubs?

“Naw, Mr. Gruffbudget, I don’t think they should have traded for Sutcliffe. Joe Carter was great right-handed power and why trade him when you already have Reuschel?”

“Darling, everybody went home.”

Repeat after me, Rob will have my head, Rob will have my head…

And then there’s the enthymeme in P2. For all you lunkheads who slept through SAT prep class like Gil did before they shipped his ass to the Marines, an enthymeme is an argument that is basically understood because the missing premise can be easily thought out. And in this case, Gruffbudget is making the obvious assumption that when Zane shows up at the library to study when he’s not throwing rubber balls through the Goodyear flat tire in Gil’s back yard, he is the only one there. That’s right, Mr. Gruffbudget King of Enemas and Enthymemes, Zane sits with Casper and the rest of his ghoulies and studies quadratic equations together.

And what are you going to do, Mister Gruffbudget, get up from the table and waste much of the Spring plot (oh, that never happens around here, perish the thought) going over to see if anybody’s reading the latest issue of Mojo? You must be like Coach Thorp and have no life if you have this steno pad and write down the number of minutes that has expired until somebody pick’s up this month’s edition of the Saturday Evening Post. Well, gotta finish my plate of red roses and run. I need to do research on the usage of The Sporting News, going to the john and reading it not included. I will take into consideration that if the bathroom stinks out the wazoo, somebody’s really reading the articles. That’s a good sign.

So go on and check out to see if nobody’s there, especially if Zane is sitting across from you. We’ll keep the plate of roses warm.


“Mr. Dr. Pearl, there isn’t any reason to raise your voice. I can wear a shawl to cover them. It comes in the school colors.”

To quote Harry, Boy o Boy, have we hit the jackpot for Pantheon of Mysterious Objects in P2.

Start with Katy. Notice there is no Mysterious Objects by her person because there’s no objects, period. Evidently, Mrs. Gruffbudget was so caught up in Zane coming to dinner that she forgot she had a child of her own. Oh well, she can mooch that slab of white pancakes that Zane is consuming. Or is THAT Gazoo’s contraption? I’ll give the benefit of the doubt. You might want to pass that spatula to her that’s to your right. No sense in eating empty space or white flapjacks or T-bone steaks with your fingers. You just can’t drink out of the Zane’s sugar dispenser. You’ll have to get your own glass.

And what is on Mrs. Gruffbudget’s plate? By my reckoning, chocolate cake, cauliflower, and a roll. It’s comforting to know that SOME of the Food Groups are covered, although this dinner obviously wasn’t planned with Popeye in mind. And she rounds it out with Gallo Pink Chablis, how sexy. I tell you, I always drink a goblet of Martini & Rossi when I pop open that can of Popeye Spinach right before I go to bed particularly when the mood is inviting. Then there’s Mr. Griffbudget’s plate of roses. You keep ranting about enthymemes and vacant libraries, your plate of roses is going to get cold. What are you going to do, stick them in the microwave later?

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Cochran Brokers Agreement With Judge Ito Over O.J.’s Sentencing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I’ll go ahead and watch the teenagers at lunch if Judge Ito will drop the shoplifting of Popeye Spinach at Milford Pantry charge. It’s a win-win situation.”

And even if Gruff Daddy has a point and truthfully he does, the morsel he has impaled on his fork is a red herring if I ever saw one. Granted, my argument of “The Milford Public Library does not need staff cutbacks and I don’t think that’s a rose petal about to be consumed” would not be a valid one to say the least but the skewed piece of whatever is a distraction notwithstanding. Did Mrs. Gruffbudget dump a portion of Ken L Ration Chunky Beef when he wasn’t looking? I think the overindulgence of Campell’s Chunky Chicken is affecting Gruffbudget’s judgment. Use a spoon, Gruffbudget, you’ll want to get EVERY drop of those draconian measures you may be attempting to put into play. And be careful getting any Campell’s Chunky Clam Chowder on your mustache. You wouldn’t want to look unintimidating.

The point is, while his arguments are valid, I shudder to think what he has in mind to make Milford Public Library a mean lean fighting machine. Will somebody paroled from Milford Mimimum Security man the Checkout Desk to save on paying a full-time staff member? Honestly, I can’t see Mr. Bader checking out my latest Maeve Binchy or Amy Tan. You’ll have to bring your own toilet? Hey, that’ll save a bundle on the plumbing. Charge for entering the magazine room? I dunno, they’ll just go down to Milford Newstand and read off the shelves without paying like the other deadbeats at the establishment. What are you going to do, Gruffbudget, have Free Friday and have everybody pile into the room to read Variety or Newsweek because they don’t want to pay during the remainder of the week? Egg all over your face and it’s not coming from your wife’s plate this time.

“And we’ll be back for the conclusion of Pink Floyd’s Tear Down The Wall Concert Live at Milford Public Library on Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert. This is WDIG-TV.”

“Golly Gee, I hope they don’t tear down all the library. I know they were desperate for funds and had to rip out a section to pay the sewage bill which was in arrears for several months because I did check out Milford Golf Monthly once a month.

But enough about Black Oak Arkansas busting their guitars so the Milford Public Library can restructure that same wall through a bond issue. Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage and, Folks, did you see what was eaten at the Brito domicile? I just turn my head in shame when I see Mrs. Gruffbudget eating Betty Crocker Bundt Cake and scrambled eggs off her plate. With a cinnamon roll? You gotta be kidding me.

If she had been the wise grocery shopper that she presumably makes herself out to be, she would have stocked on Gil Thorp Pure Pork Mild ‘n’ Steamy to grace her dinner table this evening. As long as she had dinner and breakfast in reverse order, she could have added a healthy helping of Gil Thorp Bourbon-Smoked Bacon Slabs to the plate and I bet ol’ Gruffybudget would stop bitching about the ozone layer, the Palestinian question, the four color map problem, Rubik’s cube, the Shroud of Turin or whether the Cubs should go the free agent route for left-handed middle relief, let alone low numbers in the Non-Fiction aisles at the library. Sausage and bacon can stop a lot of controversy dead in its tracks.

And why is Katy left out of this soup kitchen? If Mrs. Gruffbudget had been paying attention, Katy would be stuffing herself with Gil Thorp Hot ‘n’ Stinky Italian Sausage and French Toast, replete with Aunt Jemima Maple Syrup Packets. Ummmmmmm, ummmmmm, nothing like melt-in-your-mouth sausage while you’re listening to your dad prate on and on about how he’s going to send the reference librarian to the guillotine.

Then there’s Mrs. Gruffbudget’s hosting methods which leave a lot to be desired. Now who would serve a teenager like Zane a gigantic Oreo White Chocolate cookie? Mrs. Gruffbudget must have stuffed more in the parking meter than at the store. It shows. Dump the Oreo concept and send it back to the Keebler elves and get some real food like Gil Thorp Smokehouse Rib Tipped Dutch Oven Baked Kettle Cooked Mild Sausage Links. I guarantee you, watch ol’ Zane chow down on that and Gil Thorp Pure Smoked Grits. He’ll gladly listen to Mr. Butthead ramble about Zane’s non-existence at the Library tonight. Shoot, he’ll be so energized, he won’t need a tire, more like a Black Hole to pitch strikes. But that’s the coach in me talking, I suppose.

Then there’s Mrs. Gruffbudget’s plate. She not only has failed at shopping and hosting, she can’t cook worth a crap either. Did she stick her Cream of Wheat in the microwave too long? And serve that with Ore-Ida Raw Potato and wedding cake? Her head’s not in the game on this one. Why not rustle up a batch of Gil Thorp Sage ‘n’ Spicy Sausage to complement the over-nuked Cream of Wheat and salvage dinner? Her quality of life would improve and her husband might actually get a job. Normalcy might return to the Brito household. Save the cake for dessert, not as a conversation piece.

But you can save yourself the trouble that Mrs. Gruffbudget has brought on herself and get a package of Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage today. The way Mrs. Gruffbudget has it figured, some Tennessee Pride Mild, a loaf of bread, and thou by my side makes for a complete life. Hey, if you think Tenneesee Pride is something to be served when you elope, more power to you but until then, come try Gil Thorp Pure Pork Products for all your dinners and breakfasts and everything in between.”

No Gang, you can’t have my Oreo cookie. I was going to use for a welcome mat for my front door later. But God bless you anyway, Gang.

At the Milford Comedy Club

“…l look like, a reference librarian who got constipated from Cream of Wheat????”

Some heckler trying to be nice in the front row

“Not even remotely funny, Coach.”

“Yeah?????? Well, your mother drives a pickle wagon and eats rose petals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”


“Gil, we’re in the mall.”

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