This Week in Milford

January 18, 2018

“They Actually Asked Me if I Wanted a Hot Apple Pie With My Order.”

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Dad, if you’re reading this, thanks for egging me on. I was scared clueless but you always navigate the storms with the best of them. Love you, Big Guy.

Not that my mom (happy birthday, yesterday, Mom) and my sister didn’t figure into things. They certainly gave me incentive to pull this one off. Love you too.

This is the Dean Koontz novel that was never published, stored under his high school yearbooks in the attic. You know, Ernest P. Worrell’s thought process arose from the grave of anonymous cemetery somewhere in Nashville, leaving the body of the aforementioned to rot eternally in the ground (“Ernest P. Worrell burns in Hell along with Carrie White”) and assumed the body of Frito Bandito through the means of telekinesis. His sister, spending more time absorbing culture shock at The Bucket than developing her postup skills (they do have gymnasiums available in case you change your mind), was worried sick about him since one day, while taking her home from school, he said to her “Yo quiero Taco Bell. Tengo mucho hambre. Ya wanna go in the dining area or the drive-thru, Vern? Do ya think my F-150 with them mud-caked monster wheels will clear the bar?”

In P1, Ward Cleaver is having one of those heart-to-heart talks every father has with his son. Here was the gist of the warm words doled out “Beaver, I already have Eddie Haskell at the point and Lumpy Rutherford will play the 2 guard while Lurch will anchor things down low. But don’t worry, if Eddie or Lumpy are caught not hustling, you’re comin’ off the bench.”

And you’re not fooling me, Thorpiverse. Gil and Jorge missed the ferry across the river Styx to Hades, Charon running behind, although said mythological figure managed to transport Ernest P. and Carrie in a reasonable amount of time. So Gil and Jorge are returning from the Shadow of Death. Perhaps another time.

In P3, it gets about as ridiculous as you can imagine. Many countries, Third World countries included, have been bitten by the Americana bug and are liberally sprinkled with McDonald’s, KFC, Pizza Hut, Wal-Mart, etc. Maybe 30-40 years ago, America was kept at a distance but now I have yet to read an article in the paper discussing some Third World dictator executing political prisoners on the charges of devouring one Big Mac too many. And what makes it worse, Puerto Rico is a Commonwealth of the U. S. Not that I approve of what’s going on (I don’t) but Puerto Rico has also arguably been one of the forerunners of soaking in American culture.

Oooook, so that said, if ya git Church’s Fried Chicken 3-Piece (2 breasts, 1 wing) Extra-Greasy Combo with mashed potatas ‘n’ okra, both stuffed in them microscopic styrofoam cups and ya have a bunch of ’em stored in 5 feet x 5 feet crates shipped from the ports of San Juan straight to a space in yore garage next to the power riding mower, ya might be a redneck.

Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer:

“UFO Spotted in the Milford Gymnasium!!!!!!”

“Officials Later Confirmed That Someone Was Practicing His 3-Point Shooting.”

Yesterday’s headline from the Milford Enquirer:

“Gil Claims to Have Seen Elvis!!!!!!!!!!”

“I Told Him I Needed A Note From His Parents and His Physical Had to Be Turned in by Friday.”

Gang, you’ve been super all week. The comments were electric and I wish I could address ’em all because they were FUNNY and/or THOUGHT-PROVOKING. It’s your turn, Ladies & Gentlemen. What’s on your mind?

 

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January 6, 2018

Look for the Union Label

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Jordy Castillo was Milford baseball’s best story almost three years ago, but his story was never told.  Now it might be – or at least his backstory since then.  I think Kaz is trying to tell us Jordy went to play junior college (a/k/a “juco”) baseball, since junior chambers of commerce don’t typically have baseball programs.

Looks like Jordy’s already joined the union, if I read the lettering on his jacket correctly. What brings him to Gil’s office, and what’s captured his attention there?

“Say, Coach, that’s a nice team photo of your state football champions you got there. Looks like there’s some substandard wiring behind it, though. I heard the Milford School Board went with the lowest bidder when they upgraded, went with some scab – I mean, non-union – outfit to do the job.  It’d sure be a shame if it shorted out back here.  You could lose all these nice pictures, and that coffee pot, and your mug with your name on it… Oh, where was I? So, yeah, I’m an apprentice electrician now.”

It’s way too early to tell if Jordy is Chekhov’s electrician, but if this arc turns into a story about the current job market and the pursuit of a trade versus a college degree after high school it could be interesting, if not ham-fisted as per usual.

December 23, 2017

Help Me Ricky-Wan, You’re My Only Hope

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Times are tough for lawyers these days.  On top of their already less than positive reputation in the public eye, theirs is another job that’s on the verge of being taken over by the machines.  Artificial intelligence already can perform an increasing amount of the routine, lower-level tasks and functions previously performed by junior attorneys, paralegals and support staff.  It’s not hard to foresee a future in which AI not only drafts but negotiates contracts, applies sentencing guidelines to those adjudicated guilty of crimes, and so on.  This will not spell the end of lawyers, but it will change the way law is practiced and will likely reduce the number of practicing lawyers going forward.

Let’s not shed a tear for them all just yet – especially not Gary DuBose. As timbuys pointed out in yesterday’s comments, there’s a subtle difference between being suspended and disbarred. There are also different types of suspension: administrative suspension (which usually happens when a lawyer forgets to pay registration fees or doesn’t take the annually required hours of continuing education) and suspension for discipline.  The upshot is the same – the attorney can’t practice until reinstated.

Are you still awake? Good. Let’s get back to watching Gil lay the smack down on Gary. I’m not sure how Kelly’s internet ninja skills helped her suss out Gary’s couch-surfing status unless his dumb ass changed his address to that of his agent friend (Jackie?)’s house. Neither is the dumbfounded Connie, who apparently couldn’t figure out how to call her husband. Also not sure how he reached the conclusion that Rick is Leia’s Gary’s only hope. I’m sure Gil will fill those cracks in on Monday.

December 22, 2017

We’re So Sorry, Uncle Gary

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We’re so sorry, Uncle Gary

We’re so sorry but you’ve become such a pain…

No, no, not again. I won’t go down the song parody path again today.  Nope, as they say on HGTV, this is the day of the big reveal. The suspended law license explains why he has so much time on his hands; the bankruptcy explains why he’s looking to little Ricky as the gravy train. Finally, since we didn’t go all internet ninja on “Gary DuBose” earlier this week, I’ve taken the liberty of doing so. Let’s start here:

 

Making the HGTV analogy may be appropriate after all, given that the real Gary DuBose looks to be some kind of a real estate flipper. Gil’s hairy talking flipper promises a  “But wait, there’s more!” moment that will keep us on the edge of our Staples-issue office chairs until tomorrow.

December 21, 2017

I Need to JO

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Jo Dawg, I heard you like joe so I put “JO” on your joe mug so you can read “JO” while you drink joe

*****

 

Well, the talk on the street
Says you coach Rick Soto
This brother of mine
Says he shouldn’t play no mo’

I need to know (I need to know)
I need to know (I need to know)
If you think he shouldn’t play
Then you better say so
I need to know (I need to know)
I need to know (I need to know)
Because I don’t know who’s wrong, him or my son
If I’m needin’ to wait, if I’m needin’ a spine
I need to know (I need to know)
I need to know (I need to know)

Who would’ve thought that
I’d listen to this guy?
I’ll be right back
I gotta call Dubai

I need to know (I need to know)
I need to know (I need to know)
If you think he oughta play
Then you better say so
I need to know (I need to know)
I need to know (I need to know)
Because I don’t know who’s wrong, him or my son
If I’m needin’ to wait, if I’m needin’ a spine
I need to know (I need to know)
I need to know (I need to know)
Wow!

*apologies to the late great TP

Wish I knew how to get my thumb to migrate to the other side of my palm like Gil has. He must be double-jointed and Hungarian.

December 7, 2017

We can’t trust Rick’s long-term health to some big-city lawyer, either

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He said “tested” instead of “studied”? Does he know anything about scientific research? Currently the only reliable diagnoses of chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) are post-mortem studies of brain tissue. Testing for CTE may come in the future, once reliable biomarkers are found. The data Uncle Gary cites comes from a study, not from testing. Why leave out the CFL players and collegians, Gary? Huh? How about the caveat that the brains donated belonged to people who had been symptomatic?

A reader new to Gil Thorp who had just read only the past week of strips might be forgiven for siding with creepy uncle.  Longtime readers know Gary is just one in a long line of Thorpiverse adults seeking to exploit a child athlete for their own personal gain or wish fulfillment. That he chooses to do so by cherry-picking data favorable to his case is consistent with his portrayal as some kind of lawyer (ambulance chaser PI litigator, maybe? still not established) but calls his own credentials into question. Why Connie Soto or, especially, Absent Dad Soto hasn’t yet done so is one of the biggest plot holes in this fall story arc.

December 6, 2017

Game, Set and Match? Match Point? I Dunno; Help Me Out Here…

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A Match Made In Tanktown?

I’ll give Uncle Gary credit that it is an odd turn of phrase. And, really, would you trust a doctor with a cookie duster like that?

Bonus point: I am digging that lamp.

Minus point: As Rowdyman noted, Whigham could’ve saved himself a lot of grief just omitting the stethoscope…

December 5, 2017

With Or Without You (Rick Soto)

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So, is Rick Soto good enough that there should (not to give Rubin even more to juggle) be an element of him being recruited? All of a sudden, it seems that everything hinges on him so you would think that he must have some D1 interest…

Meanwhile, Connie Soto (nee Gary) and her brother, Uncle, are becoming one of the most annoying brother and sister combos since Wynn and Wendy Wiley.*

Metapost: Inspiration for today’s post title was released over thirty years ago! Please excuse me while I go take my hypertension medication and look into transitional bifocals…

* For those that don’t recall, Wendy wasn’t too bad in that she behaved relatively inoffensively even though, as is typically the case with this strip, she mostly had things happen to her. Meanwhile, Wynn was a paternalistic nut-job with serious anger issues… (Also, too, he was the protagonist.)

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