This Week in Milford

April 17, 2019

Even A Blind High-five Finds a Nut Now and Then

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“That’s the most uncool thing I’ve ever heard!”

“Wait, what? We live in a place where ease up is part of the local lingo and that’s the most uncool thing you’ve ever heard? That’s almost as uncool as you trying to high-five me with your eyes closed!”

“Oh, yeah. Thanks for not leaving me hanging.”

Speaking of hanging, it’s time to check in on the Coaches Thorp and see what they’re up to when they’re not at Milford High. Quelle surprise, there they are with drinks in their hands again. Mimi seems flummoxed by the idea that kids these days can empathize with one another over something other than the sports team they play on together.  Maybe empathy’s not dead after all.  Maybe she can convince the girls to channel some of that empathy into being a cohesive unit. Maybe she keeps Gil around because of his 46-inch inseam and the Bob Lanier-like boats stuck to the end of it.

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April 6, 2019

In Which Linda Channels Her Inner Pete Seeger

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They say at Milford High School
There are no neutrals there.
You’ll either be a Mudlark girl
Or worn out and pull your hair.

Ya know what’s worse than robmize complaining about the Cubs’ bullpen turning into the Nationals’ bullpen? The Nationals’ bullpen still being the Nationals’ bullpen! But yeah, it’s been some rocky going for our respective teams a week into the season.

Speaking of rocky going, what’s the Vegas line on Linda and David’s relationship lasting through baseball and softball season? Something’s gotta give and odds are it’ll be the dating that goes first. Nobody likes being called a hypocrite even if they are being a hypocrite, so that’s a nail in this relationship’s coffin. I guess one thing Milford has going for it is that it’s not the Canadian universe of For Better or for Worse, in which everyone was doomed to marry their childhood sweethearts. Still, that might’ve given us some hockey action and made the synchronized skating thing a bit less contrived.

March 25, 2019

A Frolic Of (Her) Own

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Where are we going with this softball scrimmage situation? What bearing could this possibly have on a season that is going to start no matter what, whether they can get enough players to participate or not? We’re not even really sure why Mimi suddenly decided a scrimmage was required. She had some impressive infielders and a catcher that was struggling to handle a gimmicky pitch. Big whoop. Tell the pitcher to stay away from the pitch in game action and work it out in practice. Next time Mimi, put the scrimmage on the schedule in advance. Your kids are over-scheduled and can’t be available on short notice when you cook up something on the couch during cocktail hour.

Surely the idea that many kids have something scheduled on a Saturday can’t be an actual plot point, right? A thought emerged while I was trying to recall who everybody is. Is this just an expository exercise to further introduce us to the team? We’re seeing Jocelynn Brown again (reminder, she’s our catcher) and now we know another infielder, Nancy Kaffer. It sure is a complicated way to do this. It reminded me reading novels by William Gaddis. It could make you crazy reading passages that detail conversations between multiple characters with no attributions or helpful exposition about who the hell they are talking about or to.

Sorry, for the highfalutin literary reference which may or may not even be apropos. The bottom line is Mimi’s last minute scrimmage was a bad idea and the scheduling conflicts that high school kids might have on a Saturday are pretty weak sauce as far as plot goes.

March 23, 2019

Back Off Boogaloo

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“More volleyball? Hell yeah! I know which sport butters my bread – and it sure ain’t softball! Also, with volleyball at least I know what my schedule is gonna look like. No scrimmages on two days’ notice, that’s for sure! Now back off, Jamila. Okay?” – first draft of Linda’s lines in P1

“How dare those girls have lives outside Milford sports!” – first draft of Mimi’s lines in P4

I think it’s fair to say that most of us at TWIM are glad to see a story line in which Mimi and one of her girls’ teams are at the forefront.  It’s also fair to say that Mimi’s not winning any friends here with her attitude.  She shouldn’t be expected to keep track of all her players’ lives, but she should also consider that changing up her team’s schedule on such short notice may have a definite impact on her players. Good thing she’s got a sympathetic ear in her old man there, as they pound down adult beverages at whichever Milford watering hole they’re at. (Barney’s Pub again? Not sure.)

Speaking of adult beverages: When they’re not jogging or at Milford High, are Gil and Mimi ever in each other’s presence without a drink in their hands? A marriage counselor would have a field day with that factoid.

 

March 19, 2019

Where Do I Begin To Tell A Story That Will Likely Never End…

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, freak hands, They called it Puppy Love — tdrewhardin @ 2:28 pm

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“Damn it preppie, I doing my trig functions!!!!!!!!! Can’t you just chill until I finish my Triple Layer Nachos and arcsin problems????? Don’t you have a hockey game against Yale tonight????”

“They canceled it. They closed off the freeway. We have a makeup with New Thayer tomorrow.”

 

Uh oh is right to quote Oliver Barrett IV verbatim, a/k/a David Walter. I knew this was a sting operation. The Harlem Globetrotters have left town and we got left holding the deflated ball. No wonder why they beat the Boston Shamrocks. Hard to run a 3-on-2 break when you forgot to stick an air pump in your bag. The Shamrocks were dead ducks.

Meanwhile, Meadowlark and Curly added insult to injury by leaving not only Jenny Cavalleri dying at Milford General, but another head case to wallow through until, say, the golf plot arrives in August. It’s March, folks. Someone pass the Rolaids. I hope to God Jenny’s funeral isn’t simultaneous with Gil’s tee time. We could have problems. Mr. Cavalleri and Linda both running into a brick wall??? Could we send Linda back to Rhode Island to help Mr. Cavalleri with his bakery business??? I don’t think Oliver Barrett III is prepared to tolerate a head case. What would the club think?????

“I’m marrying Linda and that’s FINAL!!!!!!!!!”

“Your mother will be very disappointed in you, Oliver. And you’ll have to attend Milford Community College Law School because I’m finished financing Harvard.”

 

Love is never telling your husband he couldn’t imitate Harry Caray any better than he could imitate Mr. Spacely.

“Jetsonnnnnnn, that’s awful!!!!!!!”

“Sorry, Mr. Spacely. I guess that means I can’t take a late lunch to catch the Cubs on Deneb?”

 

Can we at least FINISH what we started??? As long as we’re dealing with a student who is in long-term need of Freudian analysis when she’s not way-layed with cancer, can we expedite the part where we learn that she procrastinates on her math homework because the demon Pizuzu was spitting radical signs at her when she was 3 years old after her dad read her a bedtime story like “Goldilocks and the 3 Bears”? Simple. Goldilocks and Pizuzu were gettin’ it on and the 3 bears came home and found stained sheets and the law of cosines all over the bed. ehhh, it might be stretchin’ it to say that the 3 Bears found Dr. Pearl’s beehive hairdo on one of the beds. Unless the 3 Bears were sleeping at a Marriott and went out to get something to eat at Denny’s. Otherwise, let’s not get carried away, preppie, er, gang.

And I’m beggin’ ya, Thorpiverse, no more half-chewed pizza that Lassie left on the counter because anchovies challenge her housebroken discipline.

RUFF!!!!!!!!!!

“Lassie, you got diarrhea again?”

RUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I have no clue where the Pepto-Bismol is, Girl.”

RUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Okay, okay, I’ll let you out. I got a nice poophole where I’m planting my chrysanthemums. Have at it.”

RUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Girl, don’t worry about getting all over the bulbs. That’s mulch for the soil.”

 

Remember, Thorpiverse, a stupid plot FINISHED is better than a War & Peace mired on page 1,718.

Love is never ordering a pizza from Milford Domino’s, devouring the pineapple and pepperoni special, then leaving the uneaten portions in Ms. Rizk’s room. Pineapple can ruin the typewriter ribbon.

“Gil, did you leave that pizza in her room? The erasers have sausage all over them.”

“Dr. Pearl, I swear, I ordered Noble Roman’s that night. The softball team staged a lock-in at my house.”

 

Where do I begin

To tell a story that will likely never end

Two players caught in love’s web

A web you cannot rend

A Thorply tale we’d gladly fondly

Wish to nuke

It makes me puke

 

This fills our head

With stupid verbiage

No one gets out

Thorp’s trapped us in a cage

We got to watch

This plot to wage

 

And if that’s not enough

Carr’s overshot her wad

Too many straws

To lug to class, My God

Please wear a brace

To stem the shock

Oliver’s worried, Love

Don’t snub “rich jock”

 

If ya say that “Love is never puttin’ your bloodhound down when he kin still bite the mailman’s leg as practice for when tha burgler tries ta steal yore 4-wheeler at 2 in the mornin’, even at 17 years old, 108 in human years”, ya might be a redneck.

 

“Preppie, I saw who shot Coach Shaw.”

“Jenny, that’s wonderful!!!!!!!!!! I can get a warrant from my law firm. Who WAS it?????”

“It was…”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Barrett, we have to run some tests. Please wait out in the lobby.”

 

If there’s one thing us Thorpiverse veterans (Vaganova, you GI Joe, My Man) can do better than anybody else on the planet who dare enter the Thorp of the Covenant is follow patterns and accurately predict the outcome or at least follow the railroad track until it leads us to Nashville. We might have wound up in Murfreesboro, but, hey, we’re still in Tennessee.

At the Milford Cracker Barrel checker table

“Ya see where Thorp married Minnie Pearl?”

“I thought he might. Hell, he had all kinds of price tags hangin’ off his Mudlark caps. That Woolworth’s tag off his huntin’ cap, I unnerstand wuz the clincher.”

“And damn, Mimi looked awful with that Milferd Sportin’ Goods tag hangin’ from her Gibson Girl hairdo.”

 

Can’t win ’em all.

 

Love is never ordering Bucket Livercheeseburger topped with Bucket Pickle ‘n’ Pimento Loaf and served with a side order of Bucket Bouncin’ Jalapeno Poppers unless you plan on opening ALL the windows in your station wagon on the way home. Love orders a side salad instead.

 

 

Anyway, when Linda was caught in a red-eye condition doing her math homework before (I’m assuming) ‘ the next hour, we KNOW where this is going. Linda was that talented but overextended ball player, able to leap the high school in a single bound and turn double plays faster than the Globe trotters could warm up the bus en route to Oakwood but didn’t make quadratic equations a priority because lots of other things were on her plate and I don’t mean home plate and DEFINITELY not the cafeteria plates. She’s in the library, remember? Superman still needed to get her English Comp assignment done, “How I spent the summer with Lex Luthor”.

“Preppie, you eat raspberry quiche at Harvard? And lo-cal lentil soup? Don’t you have The Bucket at Cambridge?”

“Jenny, if you don’t like it, go back to Radcliffe. Oakwood’s out that door.”

“Don’t get so goddam defensive. I’ve just never seen a Crimson eat Ho Ho’s and Bagels Surprise for dessert. Yecchhhh. Sounds like something the Eli’s would consume.”

“Define ‘consume'”

“Something I’m doing when I have my father’s gingerbread cookies out of the oven to sell, Preppie. More than I would do with Twinkies in unleavened dough.”

“At least I don’t eat gingerbread cookies in the car. Did your father lock you out of the bakery?”

 

And P1 is just the pinnacle of overextension. She’s wearing too many hats, gang. Do we have to sit here and watch her implode because she’s cramming  volleyball, aerobics class, tuck-pointing, snipe-hunting, homework, baby-sitting, archery, synchronized bowling, and being a member of the UN, representing the U.S.? Oh, and then she has to get the longhorns on the Chisholm Trail to Abilene by the time 1st pitch of her game rolls around.

And whazzup with this “dinner in the car”? Another Tiki, only comin’ atcha from the female side? She DOES have a home or is that the idea? There’s that Chewed Pizza Hut Pan Canadian Bacon theory comin’ to the surface again. She eats Fruity Pebbles that she got out of the glove box in bed while the car warms up to take her to school? I wonder what her family did for her birthday. Musta used the trunk.

“There’s some extra folding chairs in the hood. Would you be a dear and get them out?”

 

Therefore, in general, this is deja vu all over again. Tiki who needs to see Freud badly because he needs 2 backpacks instead of 1 for his personal life who needs to change the dining room decor in the Lexus.

Take the load off, Lisa.

 

“Man o Man, I hope you’re enjoying ‘Love Story’ as much as Mimi and I are. Makes me want to go to law school after I retire from coaching in 60 years. That’s why I hate to put a damper on the fun by announcing that there are conflicting reports that the Milford Beverage Commission confirmed that The Bucket may get a permit to sell alcohol while other reports point out that the concept will go the way of the 2018 Mudlark Girls Basketball season.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse. Until this issue gets ironed out, the Warehouse is kickin’ both sides when they’re down with specials so low that the FCC will fine the Warehouse and WDIG a trillion dollars, give or take a 20 dollar bill, if they are broadcast over the air. You’re just going to have to motor down here for yourself. Take a cab, ride the bus, take your own car, hot-wire some vehicle in the Milford Municipal Parking Area, ride a Schwinn, ride with your wife on a tandem, as long as you show proper ID, the Warehouse has acres and acres of free parking to hitch Trigger. The hitching post is next to the Ice machine, My Friend. After you’ve set the parking brake, find out for yourself if the Warehouse is employing dirty pool on The Bucket for goodies like a 24-pack of Bud Lite Classic or Falls City Dark Malt. Think The Bucket is worried that we’re cuttin’ their legs on specials like Bacardi Rum in the 2 Liter bottles or Jack Daniels Sloe Gin Supreme? I’d be sweatin’ too if I saw Coach Kaz cartin’ out some Boone’s Farm Cherry Sizzle and Cutty Sark in the Gallon Drum while some poor schmuck walked out of The Bucket with a Happy Meal and a Bucket French Vanilla shake he spilled all over him. I never saw Ronald McDonald nor Burger Chef and Jeff sell Kentucky Bourbon Straight, No Chaser either in the family dining area or at the drive-thru. And they can’t even hold our jock on free delivery. Yeah, Burger King, try delivering a Whopper, 300 Bucket Chocolate shakes and a keg of Bud at a fraternity party. You can’t touch our Lyft drivers.

You heard right, The Bucket should stick to Mug-o-Malts and banana splits and leave selling The Good Life to the pros.

Now to be honest, nobody more than me enjoys a Bucket Double Cheese, hold the pickle, and New England sea-salted fries with my favorite soft drink, Mr. Pibb.

But when I’m in the mood to get it on at the Teachers’ End-of-Year Orgy ‘n’ Celebration, I will not be consuming Hawaiian Punch in those little foamy cups, nosirree. I won’t be funkin’ to James Brown with a Bucket Root Beer Float in my hand, that’s a fact, Jack.

Nope, the Warehouse will be our supplier of plenty of Schlitz, Sterling, Old Milwaukee, Falls City, Budweiser, Miller, not to mention Jim Beam and Martini & Rossi and Dewar’s Scotch. I gotta admit, it’s fun watching Mr. Price with a lampshade over his head, dancing to “Disco Inferno” after one cup too many of Skyy Vodka. What made it sweeter was Dr. Pearl’s Entertainment Committee was able to take advantage of ridiculous specials at the Warehouse with some left over to get new basketballs for the girls’ and boys’ teams. No one has to fight for a ball and we can trip the night fantastic too. Try to do that , Mr. Absentee Owner of The Bucket.

So when you’re finished eating your Bucket Crab Legs, come on over to the Big Boy and see what livin’ is all about. Leave your doggie bag of Bucket Buffalo Fries in your pick-up and enter the Warehouse. And tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Comment the night away, Gang. I will leave you with a song, inspired by P3

“When will this shit end

She’s proving she wants more than a friend

Must we endure another chunky bracelet too

I think we’re screwed…”

 

THERE’S A DRIVE WAY BACK WAY BACK IT MIGHT BE IT COULD BE IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!! A HOME RUN!!!!!!!!!!!! SANDBERG HAS TIED IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!! BOY O BOY WITH THAT WIND BLOWING OUT

“GIL!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enough buffoonery and read your report!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Sorry, Dr. Pearl. We have enough in the budget for some chalk to line the field…”

 

Love is never having to say you’re sorry that Gil uses his dentures to comb his hair. Love says “it shows”.

February 19, 2019

“Gil, Don’t you think ‘Vocational Guidance Counselor’ belongs in the shed?”

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Ya gotta be kidding me. I’m presuming that’s Booby on the other end of the line unless he is following up with a prank phone call (outside chance) .

“Do you sell Mudlar-K-Cola in cans in the cafeteria?”

“Yes, we do.”

“You better let the Mudlar-K out.”

Yeah, if I wanted to see my nephew’s baseball coach fired (and I DIDN’T. He was an excellent coach-RIP, Coach Sparrow) , I’d go to the office secretaries at the school. The buck’ll stop there, fer sure. I’m confident the office temp from Milford-Rent-A-Sec will be on the same page with me when I complain that Gil doesn’t know how to flash the bunt sign. And she’ll cheerfully respond how She feels my pain, that Gil didn’t execute the hit-and-run in the 3rd inning last year against Madison because he didn’t know how to overcome the stench when the base umpire passed gas. Get an oxygen mask next time, Thorp, when waving a guy home. HEY!!!!!!!!!!! Whattya know, we have a connection!!!!!!!!!!! Before I put my Marlboro out in the ash tray by the seats where 2 new enrollees are sitting, me and the secretaries will be talkin’ like Casey Stengal.

Dr. Pearl, coming out of the office with her Night School Attendance Report-2017,

“Can anyone around here coach this game?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Only in Thorpiverse do we have Dirty Harry practically being asked to run the vermin out of San Francisco and Milford (Quite a bit of ground to cover-aaaaa, he’s Harry, the scriptwriters will think of something) but not before he asks “Mother, may I?”. And the fact that we are dealing with 2-3 other inchoate plots that will more than likely remain inchoate just makes for a nightmare of a season. I pity ESPN. It’s like Mike Patrick and Dickie V. doing the North Carolina-Duke game, then switching over to the History Channel for the rest of the season, basketball swept up in the Dust Bowl. “Yeah, they’re rockin’ and rollin’ here in the Colosseum!!!!!!!!! Gaius Maximus Atrivius is one of my Diaper Dandies. I’ve seen him dunk on a lion with such strength and agility!!!!!!!!!!!” I think you get the point.

Anyone dumb enough to believe  Gil will finish what he starts need only check out the golf plot where a bunch of rag-tag assholes run our heroes in the ground, then disappear while Gil tells his heroes that it’s always important to use Scout’s Honor when figuring the scorecard. The Perry Mason episode that never was.

“Raise your right hand and repeat after me. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

“I do.’

“You may be seated.”

“Now, Mr. Palmer, I understand there was a discrepancy between what you wrote down for Mr. Nicklaus and The Golden Bear’s own version. He’s saying his one shot didn’t count because he was doing an instructional video during The Masters.”

“That’s correct.”

“And yet you say all shots count whether you swing your club to fend off the flies, disseminate an odor when your grandmother farted, or, in this case, when you’re showing the kids how to putt around a tree.”

“That’s correct.”

“Don’t you think you should allow leeway when putting around a redwood? Line up the shot? Shoo the squirrels away so they don’t ruin the eagle you’re about to sink? In fact, didn’t that happen when you were at Mount Kilimanjaro Country Club, an elephant herd  interfered with your hole-in-one?”

“The male was horny and had been to the Milford Men’s Clinic for ED and got cured in 2 hours and was chasing a reluctant female and the whole band of females turned on him and ran him out of the savannah…”

“Just answer the question. No need for National Geographic.”

“Yes, it happened.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I’m here to assert that Mr. Palmer should implement honor and dignity, as well as mercy when playing a Gentlemen’s Game. The Machiavellian way of thinking that Mr. Palmer is employing-”

“WILLLLLLMMMMAAAAAAA, where’s my Fruit of the Looms? I’m late for work. Mr. Slate will kill me!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“In the clothes basket in the den, dear.”

“Gee, Fred, I wouldn’t get too worried. Mr. Slate said you could use another tardy and you’ve saved up a bunch of ’em. You won’t get fired anytime soon. In fact, you might want to use a few on your bowling game, a hee hee hee, a hee hee hee hee…”

“Har dee har har, Rubble. I bought that new Brunswick at the Bedrock Sporting Goods store. The pins won’t know what hit ’em…”

 

And we still have Robby “2 Billboards” Howry to deal with. Well, gang, you know I’m not going to leave you empty-handed. Without further ado, Monty Python has returned, handcuffed to Arthur “2 Sheds” Jackson. Oh, you Python junkies know who I’m talking about. A composer who was thinking of buying a 2nd shed, hence got plastered with the moniker, occasionally bristling at this moniker.

But wait, there’s more. If you read my post NOW, you’ll get not one but TWO Monty Python sketches, a second one, “Vocational Guidance Counselor.” If that isn’t enough to make you get off the Laz-ee-Boy and get to the phone and dial the 800 number, I’ll throw in a free Gil Thorp coif, Special Everly Brothers Edition, 1959, but you must act now. Operators are standing by and you’re running out of Rogaine.

Anyway, without giving away the rest of the sketch, “2 Billboards” Howry was kind enough to take time away from muckraking Gil on his Outdoor Advertising and interview with Marty “2 Weeks” Moon on WDIG. Let’s eavesdrop.

“So why are you called ‘2 Billboards’?”

“The same reason why you’re called ‘2 Weeks’. It wasn’t planned that way but in the end, the nickname stuck like brown-stained underwear. At least I didn’t use profanity.”

“Look, ‘Equipment-Manager-cum-2-Billboards’, I’m doing the interviewing round here. And why waste time with billboards? Plenty of other advertising mediums. Like us at WDIG, for example. We have an advertising slot for “Gil eats worms, Spaghetti O’s, and the Big One, not necessarily in that order” between Milford Muffler & More and Mudlark Denture Repair.”

“Thanks for the offer. Right now, billboards seem to be working and the most cost-efficient I can find at this point.”

“Pshaw. Where else are you going to gouge Gil at $50 per slot? We can undercut the competition because we’re WDIG. Ethics belong in a Gideon’s Bible, not here in my studio. And we even supply the writing team. Free!!!! Gratis!!!!!! BTW, I understand you conjure up a lot of YOUR ideas in the equipment shed.”

“This is a false rumor based upon Pee Wee Herman being caught jacking off a shoulder pad. I am nowhere near the shed when I’m writing billboard slogans.”

“In spite of the reports that you were seen with Pee Wee at the basketball games, carping on Gil’s strategy.”

“Look, I’ll admit Pee Wee said that Gil should have done a triangle-and-two on Jefferson and I agreed. Their guards were lighting it up all not long. But that’s all there is to that.”

“Right . Now I understand your billboards got a Triple A Rating from the Better Business Bureau-”

“What is THAT????”

“What is what?”

A wide-screen photograph of Pee Wee in the boy’s bathroom at The Bucket reading a Gideon’s Bible, among other things, in stall #2 appears in back of them.

“It’s Pee Wee!!!!!!!!!!! Get it off!!!!!!!”

“He is.”

“Remove the damn photo on the screen!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Marty nods to someone offstage. A picture of “2 Billboards” Howry standing with Sir Edmund Hilary on Mt. Everest with “2 Billboards”‘s billboard shows up in its stead.

“Now as I was saying, the Chamber of Commerce nominated a couple of candidates last week for President of the C of C Board. They both liked your billboards. They endorsed “Come to Milford, where the only bad part of town is the coaching”. In fact, Dr. Pearl and Pee Wee called me personally and wanted you to be their campaign manager. Billboards are a great inside track for running for office plus it’s great sex therapy and will solve Pee Wee’s ED prob-”

THERE IS NOTHING BETWEEN ME AND PEE WEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“You don’t have to shout. It’s OK to admit that you saw Pee Wee have an affair with Dr. Pearl behind the stack of football helmets, sharing a Bucket Chocolate Shake, feeding each other burgers-”

“What’s that got to do with BILLBOARDS????????”

“Is he giving you any trouble?”

Bacon appears after The Mamas And The Papas, Second Edition just finished an album at Milford Recording Studios.

“Yes, a little.”

Grabs “2 Billboards” by the collar

“All right, ‘2 Billboards’, we’ve had our belly full of your trysts with Pee Wee and dragging down the team as a result. How Gil can design a Statue of Liberty with you 2 love birds in the equipment shed is left for Mary Worth to figure out. Or even Roscoe Sweeney.”

Throws “2 Billboards” into the WMFD station wagon which just stopped at the light

“Get your own comic strip, punk.”

“Yeah, WDIG Studios isn’t big enough for the 3 of us. We can thrash Gil without your help, ‘2 Billboards.'”

 

If yore posin’ in the 20 degree weather in front of the Polaroid One-Step by the billboard advertisin’ Gil takin’ up drag racin, Midget Division, at Milford International Speedway cuz ya admire Gil takin’ up somethin’ he can actually perform without a hitch, ya might be a redneck.

 

I think we can leave P1, comforted that Bozo the Clown is not expressing his concerns about Thorp’s X’s and O’s. He may be a clown but he’s not an idiot. Bozo knows all about going to school board meetings (“Okay, boys and girls, today we’re going to learn about Parliamentary Procedure after I pass out these Archway Cookies. Ummmmmm, isn’t strawberry delicious?”) for questioning-of-coaching-methods procedures. I think it’s also safe to say that that isn’t Mr. Moose, Mr. Green Jeans, Grandfather Clock, or Mr. Burns, Homer’s boss (which doesn’t belong on the list?-I can see the brain teaser) .

And really, as long as “2 Billboards” is short on reality, why not cut reality even shorter by walking into the station manager’s office at WDIG and asking him what your purpose should be in life? Y’know, “2 Billboards”, I will remember that the next time I’m having a mid-life crisis, suffering from a career change. Simple. Call Murray the K. Skip the employment agency, they only steer you to Whopper-maker at Burger King (“Come dress to impress. Must be able to work at least 32 hours and know how to run the Whopper press…”) , Howry. Let’s hit the Mother Lode and ask Wolfman Jack if Janitorial Science is the right career for you.

Clap for the Wolfman

“Awooooooooooooo, do ya like toilet plungers, My Friend?”

“Sure. I always use ’em, especially when the gas won’t pump in my gas tank hose. Just one plunge and the octane hits bottom.”

“My Man, awooooooooooooo, I think yuz on the right career path. Milford Community College has an 8-week night class beginning in March. And they’ll waive the enrollment fee. The last 2 weeks of the class is on-the job-training. By then, you’ll know what sanitizer to use when filling the soap dispenser and toilet brush to use when cleaning the vomit out of the toilet. Awoooooooooooooo, Wolfman can get carried away with the Jack when doin’ the night show. They’ll start you off on the 3rd floor latrines. The Wolfman’ll feel safe takin’ a #2, knowin’ I’m in competent hands.

But hurry, classes are fillin’ fast. Ya got me as a reference. That ought get ya in if ya enroll late. Awooooooooooooooooo.”

 

Today’s Black History Month entry goes to John Marshall Alexander, Jr., or Johnny Ace. A man with an excellent even voice, the dude strung together several hits like “Cross My Heart”, “Please Forgive Me”, “The Clock”, “Saving My Love For You”, “Never Let Me Go”, and his #1 hit, “Pledging My Love”. He is embraced by musicians such as Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, David Allen Coe, Elvis Presley, and Paul Simon, who, like me, enjoy his irresistable crooning. He toured heavily with B.B. king and Big Mama Thornton. In fact, tragically enough, while touring with the latter on December 25th, 1954, while carelessly messing with a gun, he accidentally shot himself and instantly died. A VERY promising career was needlessly cut short. Please join me in reviving his career by spreading the word about a VERY talented and outstanding career who only saw good times ahead, had he lived.

 

 

So introducing P2 orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

vocational guidance counselor

Vocational Guidance Counselor

VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE COUNSELORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

 

“…and Mr. Thorp, based upon your test results, I think I can say, without fer of contradiction, that the best vocation suited for you is chartered accounting.”

Gil “Several Plots” Thorp is stupified

“But I already AM a chartered accountant.”

“Well, we can always dig into the files again. Have you tried banking? Or perhaps international finance? You can work with Bhutan on all their bankrupt ledgers-”

“No, no, I’m fed up with 60+ years of figuring people’s taxes, revenues, debits, credits, that sort of thing. I want something ADVENTUROUS.”

“Adventurous? You dare want to be a lion tamer???”

“Nah, too easy. I kicked one in the nuts at the Milford Petting Zoo. I had him lickin’ like Dino when kids would feed him  Milk Bones.”

“Or underwater shark hunting?”

“Shoot, you checked out Red Lobster’s menu? There’s so much shark meat, they sold the excess to Hardee’s because they had a Thickburger shortage.”

“What about the Green Berets??”

“We’re the ones who assassinated Hussain. It was a cinch. Caught him air-guitaring “Rocky Mountain Way” in a minaret. Dead duck.”

“Then what Is it that you want with your life?”

“I’d like to coach.”

COACH???????????

“Sure. It looks easy. Boss around some players, they win the State and you get all the credit. Don’t have to worry about plots or plays, they just work themselves out while you live large on the golf course. After the players win the 10th State Championship, they’ll build a mansion for you where you can retire and vacation in Florida in the winter. Player’s’ll go south to visit you. They have been for the last 60+ years. Except for Pulver but he’s an asshole.”

“Coach, it’s not Easy Street as you envision. Long hours, irate parents, players always wanting PT, bad officials. Then you have Marty Moon.”

Gil is cringing

“Have you ever ween him without his goatee???? ARRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH”

“NO!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! He’s a Bohemian who LOOKS like a Bohemian!!!!!!!!!!! Take that picture away. I didn’t know he had that many teeth!!!!!!!!!! Or pimples!!!!!!!!!! He has more than on Mimi’s butt. Just don’t let him broadcast. They’ll think Beetlejuice took over the mike at the Milford games!!!!!!!!!! And that overbite…”

“Folks, you can help Mr. Thorp realize his true calling in life by writing to this address

The League For Milford’s Chartered Accountants

P.O. Box 7777

Milford, USA

 

Must be sent as Registered Mail. It’s a serious problem, folks.”

 

Gang, comment away. I’m going to see the station manager later on. I hear there’s a career in oil-well drilling in North Dakota. I can pay off my Meijer card.

 

 

 

 

“Awwwwwwww, SLAM BAM JAM, MIKE. What a dunkeroo by Hieronimus Adolphus Caesar, they got him groomed for the next Head Caesar job when he graduates. That was a manhood-stripper. He made that lion eat his lunch!!!!!!! He’s on my all-Chocolate Thunder team, along with Julius Flavius Vextus. Too bad Vextus got eaten cuz he couldn’t out run the lions on the fast break. But that’s college basketball in the Colosseum.”

 

“Awoooooooooooooo, Werewolves of London, Awooooooooooooooo….”

Mick Fleetwood just shakes his head as he throws the drumsticks in the corner and looks mournfully at John McVie. Mac is packing up his bass.

“Booby, hate ta tell ya, mate, yore no Zevon. Stick ta billboard-scrawlin’.”

January 9, 2019

In Milford It’s Still December

gt01092019

Now we know why story arcs in this strip run longer than their real-life seasonal counterparts. Check out the calendar on the wall behind Kaz; while we’re more than a week into January, in Milford it’s still December.

That’s not the only evidence that Milford is behind the times, even if it’s not quite the “1959 with cell phones” we often describe it as being.  I mean, look, they’re only on Billboard 3.0?  They haven’t even gotten to Billboard 95 or NT?  The rest of the world has been on Billboard 10 for some time now.  Fifteen-year-old Chevy Monte Carlos still ply the roads, their flanks slowly turning into powder.  (Come to think of it, that’s not out of the ordinary in the Upper Midwest.)  Newspapermen still call their bosses “Chief” Jimmy Olsen style, even while grooming their beards, though unlike Perry White the editors in Milford don’t seem to mind.

Is Kaz showing Gil a photo of Billboard 3.0 Kelly sent him, or has he “called up” robbyreport.com?  As Ned alluded to on Monday, none of us here at TWIM have yet to buy robbyreport.com and direct it here (though GoDaddy would be willing to negotiate to have its owner sell it to you – thanks for the update, Ned :-) ), but that would require effort on our parts.  Maybe we should do a GoFundMe? Let us know in the comments.

 

 

January 5, 2019

Snatch It Back (Up) And Hold It

gt01052019_b&w

GoComics has finally started back putting up the black and white version of the strip, but looking at it today confused me at first.  It looked like Kelly’s tiny hatchback was about to submarine under an eighteen-wheeler Magnus Walker style, potentially making her the first known vehicular casualty in Milford since Addison “Boo” Radley.  The color version we’ve been using of late makes it a bit clearer.

gt01052019_col

Of course the dialogue helps with that too: Kelly has just seen the Third Billboard Outside Milford.  Speaking of Boo Radley, good on Whigham for drawing a Bluetooth cockroach in Kelly’s ear.  Hands-free phone usage while driving in the Thorpiverse from now on, not like the times before.

That whole bit about Mrs. Kapoor* and her hand-delivered itinerary, tickets, etc.?  Just a red herring to get Kelly on the road and driving to the edge of town.  Kinda puts a damper on that whole internet ninja thing she had going.  Heck, even Kaz recognizes that travel agencies are a dying business.  (Let’s try finishing Kaz’s sentence for him.  I’ll start: “As long as she’s going back to India three times a year, it’s three times you won’t have to sell plasma for beer money.”)

Credit where credit is due: that was some pretty quick reaction time on Kelly’s part to get off the highway and onto the shoulder into a sand trap at the Milford CC.

*edit: thanks to Son of teenchy, I was able to make the connection between Kelly and Mrs. Kapoor.  SoT watches The Office whereas I do not.

Musical inspiration for today’s post title:

 

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