This Week in Milford

November 9, 2017

Nice to Know Somebody Likes Something About All of This

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There’s an underlying aura of creepiness that I can’t exactly put my finger on about today’s strip. Is it Trainer Rick Scott’s “I like what I see here” as he lovingly cradles Rick’s bare foot and calf? Is it that Uncle Gary (and his enormously oversized Bluetooth earbud) has a posse of the equally underemployed to roll out YouTube videos at his command? Is it Rick waving his arm like Evita Peron* as he sings the national anthem? Or is it the idea of rando Milfordian’s grandpa’s browser history that led him to Rick’s performance?

*It doesn’t take much to imagine Rick singing “Don’t cry for me, Milford High School…”

metapost: Weird double post this morning. Hopefully I fixed it.

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November 4, 2017

The Easily Swayed Dr. Pearl

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….Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re right back where we were last Saturday. Gil can resist Uncle Gary’s relentless Astroturfing, but Dr. Pearl apparently cannot. One might think that the administrator, with her fancy book-learnin’ and cushy desk job, would cast a more jaundiced eye toward the email campaign – starting with finding out who is sending them.

Makes me wonder what Uncle Gary’s firing off in those missives on his teeny tiny laptop with his freaky deaky hands:

Pearl, Pearl, Pearl,

Come be my lovin’ girl

Don’t you marry Lester Flatt

He slicks his hair with possum fat…

 

October 26, 2017

Thinking Big ≠ Cat Videos

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If Uncle Gary’s idea of “thinking big” is going viral in a YouTube video with a cat, maybe Rick should stick with football. At least find a better agent – one that doesn’t think of himself in the third person – or a cat. Doesn’t the cat at least have to be grumpy?

For such a hotshot lawyer, Uncle Gary’s been spending a lot of time on his sister’s couch for the past two months. Shouldn’t he be billing hours, or organizing a cancer fun run, or something?

October 12, 2017

The Best Singer (Or So We’re Told)

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So this is the song Rick Soto purportedly just sang*. I’m sure today’s strip just gave it dozens more hits on YouTube.

In true Rubin fashion we never get to read the lyrics coming from Rick’s mouth. Another tease, just like the tease that we may finally know the lyrics to Milford High’s fight song (and there were some good stabs at it in yesterday’s comments). Just another reminder of the weird pacing of this strip, in which the Mudlarks have played one game while high schools in the real world have mostly played at least six or seven.

In true Whigham fashion we get a Milford girl festooned with chunky bracelets and big earrings in the way no teenage girl accessorizes today. We also get Rick’s unnaturally flat palms facing the speaker in best back off ease up fashion, another Whigham hallmark. Finally, from the Pantheon of Hair Department it’s sideburns: Rick’s oddly shaggy ones and Pelwecki’s greasy strands that threaten to clump together as sideburns.

Wait – did someone mention the dozens? Maybe it’s time for a game.

“Pelwecki’s hair is so greasy, he could fry chicken in it.”

“Uncle Gary’s such a crap lawyer he’s trying to hitch a ride on his nephew’s back as an agent.”

*Were you as disappointed as I was that it wasn’t a George Harrison cover? If so, this should help you get over it.

October 11, 2017

For Those Of You Curious About The Milford Fight Song…

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I’m afraid I have bad news.

Panel 1: Gary’s pop star aspirations for Ricky might take a hit if that is Milford Pattern Balding syndrome that we’re seeing here. Also, too, spoon? WTH?

Panel 2: Idiots or Weirdos? Idiots it is.

Panel 3: I wouldn’t even know who Ed Sheeran is if not for online discussion of his recent appearance in a certain popular fantasy TV show. That aside, I have absolutely no clue who these two young Lady Mudlarks are, but their appearance today does lend support to my theory that Alison Bechdel really ticked Rubin off at some point.

September 26, 2017

Someone To Be Nervous With

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, Milford Idiots, Where is Milford? — timbuys @ 8:53 am

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Panel 1: I would love to see what McMansionHell would have to say about the Soto’s swank suburban Milford abode.

Panel 2: Dubai is somewhere around 9-10 hours ahead of the time depending on the time of year and where Milford is actually located, so let’s hope Pop’s Soto didn’t tie one on the night before.

Panel 3: I suppose I could try to parse the dialog here, but I’d rather point out that the Big Brother and his Little Sister here are both walking through who knows how many oil and grease patches in the parking lot.

August 8, 2017

Maybe I’ll Start Making Puns On His Last Name

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P1: Overdramatic much, Jaquan?

P2: Excuse me.. Mr. Case? I’ve been listening to you humblebrag for a good five minutes now and I’m just now putting it together that you’re some kind of celebrity.

P3: ?

 

August 5, 2017

Return to Janet’s Diner?

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We have left the
Field in Milford
for the diner
Named for Janet
‘Least I think it’s
Janet’s Diner
‘Cause it don’t
Look like The Bucket

Who is in this
Bunch of losers?
Now we’ll learn
Of their backstories
Or as Gilda’s
Baba Wawa
Might say,
“Wet’s wisten in”

Let’s start out with
The big hoopster
He once played
for Bishop Tardy
He’s rehabbing
After knee work
So he’s hooked up
With Eight Elbows

And I think
It kinda odd
That he’s eating
Diner food
And I’m thinking
A pro athlete
Could spring
For healthy grub

He’s working
With Trey Davis
But they keep it
On the down low
Is Trey more
Than just a trainer?
Jaquan said
He was “full-service”

And I’m thinking
Of perversities
That go on
In Trey’s folks’ house
Has he filled it
Full of Muscle Marys?
How I
Wish I had brain bleach

‘Cross from Jaquan
Sits this geezer
All his shirts
Are labeled “Monmouth”
He’s indulging
Daughter Heather
But he
Sucks at throwing footballs

And I couldn’t
Help but notice
That Heather’s now stuck
In the corner
How did this
Turn into mansplaining?
How did
This go so wrong?

What about
The kid Pelwecki?
Oh, I didn’t
see him still here
Do you think
He’ll play at fullback?
Only if Gil’s
Passed out drunk…

And if all the rest are hurt…
And if Milford’s out
Of the playdown hunt…

To the Milford Country Club
Let’s watch Gil berate some kids

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