“Coach, I Thought Jimi Hendrix Did That Guitar Twirl. I Got Confused. I Didn’t Mean To Take Us Out Of The Inning.”

Barry, you just absolutely dashed my hopes. Just when you went to the altar to accept Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord and swore you were going to turn over a new leaf and live right and stop drinking doubles with Marty down at the the Milford Lounge, you go on a shopping spree at Milford Liquor Warehouse.

You DO know what Coach Kaz means when he holds up his arms. The same damn signal a cop gives when he’s at a random busy street corner in Milford, USA. Let me throw you a hint: STOPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now when Coach Kaz is doing that Pete Townshend spiel as he’s air-guitarring “Won’t Get Fooled Again”, sure run like Hell towards home plate and test that Oakwood fielder’s arm. It’s only 90 feet. Take your chances.

And this after the “Four score and several plots ago, I started acting like an asshole and haven’t changed but I am sorry and am ready to take orders from George Gordon Meade or Coach Thorp, dependent on the venue of battle” and was willing to swallow the subsequent “even though I’m still a better general than George Brinton McClellan and can beat him in poker any day of the week” as long as he was willing to go to battle and fight the good fight. P3 shot that one down. Oh well.

 

Coach Kaz at the Milford Clay Oven restroom, on his cell phone, responding to text messages

“Gil, I’ve gone over a THOUSAND TIMES in practice with Barry over what the ‘Stop’ sign means. I’ve even done note cards on him. Burned several matches sending smoke signals. What do you want me to do, use sign language? I can try…” Coach Kaz looks down. He discovers he’s at a low urinal. Don’t text and piss. A message from the Milford City Health Board.

 

And gang, Duke Ellington is my idol. I live for Duke. “Live at Newport” is in my vocabulary.  But no way is he a baseball coach as in P1. He looks awkward conducting “Blues To Be There” Or is he egging on Paul Gonsalves on that electrifying 27-minute solo in right field? Hard to tell. His hands are too active for “Mood Indigo”. I can just hear that trombone growl from Joe “Tricky Sam” Nanton in the 1st base coaching box. No wonder why Bader ran through the sign. Too much of a jerk to appreciate good Jazz. Maybe he’ll listen to Barry Manilow.

 

Marty, stone drunk from the Drewrey’s he had carted to him straight from the delivery truck to his bar stool at Milford Lounge, is standing on the Milford Lounge street corner, calling Mudlark Transportation, Inc.

“Hello, Mil-Fart Trans-Part-Tay-ShunHICCUP? I needs a cabbbbbbbubbbb. Where am I located?”

Head bobbing, barely able to read the signs

“I am at the cor-nurrrrrrr of ‘Walk’ and ‘Don’t Walk'”

Well, at least he didn’t text and piss. Gang, if you must do nature’s duty, take Marty’s cue. Put your cell phone down on the Milford Lounge portable sign(“Happy Hour-1/2 price beer-battered onion rings and unlimited Jack Daniels liqueuer, 4-7) and pee-pee behind the bushes in Milford Lounge’s alley. Who’s gonna notice and you don’t involve an ambulance. Perfect way to avoid calls from injury lawyers(“One call-that’s all”).

Thanks to Frances Gregory for her help with the above joke. You help make America great with your hard work making MRE’s for the military. And you’ve got a great sense of humor as shown above.

 

I am like everybody else on the Jay Bhatia pitching issue. As a writer has mentioned, has ANYBODY in Milford heard the word ROTATION? Right now, it’s Ryan Van Auken and whoever else has a halfway decent connection to the plot, regardless of talent. You could make Captain Kangaroo the closer but he’s not been in the scheme of things for quite some time. Guess we gotta stick with Jay and his Orwellian “Curve ball is a fastball approach”. Hey, it’s got the Oakwood batters fooled, just like the rest of the readership.

 

Steve Luhm, calling at the phone booth by the kitchen(“dial ‘9’ to get an outside line”) at Milford Clay Oven(“The Taste of the Himalayas comes to Mudlarkland”)

“Yes, I’ll tell ’em not to put too much paprika on the Ramen Noodles or the Tandoori Chicken Wings!!!!!!! I’m painfully aware it makes you fart in the Journalism room!!!!!!! I had to use heavy-duty deoderizer to wipe out the residue of the tamarind sauce. Yes, I’m sure the students could smell it in the seats!!!!!!

 

“And Barry is thrown out by a mile at home plate!!!!!!!!! Well, that’s Coach T and his baserunning strategy for you. We’re still tied, 3-3, after 14 innings and we will take a commercial break. This is WDIG radio, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“We’re here at Milford Downtown Mall where we are conducting a taste test between Pepsi and Milford’s own, Mudlar-K-ola.”

Coach Shaw, after walking out of Milford Ammo Emporium, samples the merchandise. He spits out the 2nd, getting spray all over his wife’s shopping bag.

“Man, who BREWED this bucket of piss?”

The incognito can is revealed

“PEPSI?????? Brother, we’re going grocery shopping next and we’re buyin’ 2 24-packs of Mudlar-K-ola. I KNEW Pepsi had changed the last few years.”

His wife heartily nods in agreement, if only to get more intimate at Mudlark Lake Resort once again

 

Generic Fan, seen especially at blowouts of Milford Basketball games, in favor of Milford and not in favor of Milford, samples the merchandise. After sampling 2nd choice, face immediately caves in and reappears as Generic Milford High School Cafeteria Lady.

“Jesus, we serve THIS to the students!!!!!!!!!!!!! After we microwave it and serve it with pepperoni pizza that’s been under the lamp for 2 days!!!!!!!!!!”

When informed that it’s Pepsi, he/she says “I need to call Milford Vending and tell the trucks to stop delivering Pepsi and bring in 10 canisters of Mudlar-K-ola.”

 

Daffy Duck, after walking out of Milford Beauty School after completing her recertification on chunky bracelets, takes a sip.

“Ooooooooooooooo, this thing’s got cooties. What is it?”

The culprit is revealed

“Yuk. Somebody doodied in the Pepsi. Thank God I got some change in my purse. There’s a Mudlar-K-ola machine by the mall entrance.”

 

When all is said and done

“You sure they weren’t looking when you switched the cans?”

 

Gang, sorry it took so long. Thank you for your patience. I’ve been dragging along like this plot. Now I’m scheduled to pitch so I better start warming up. You can comment on my slurve if you want.

 

As Coach Kaz leaves the Milford Clay Oven drive-thru, satisfied with the Merlot thrown in on the deal(only with coupon) Padoka Veggie Combo, his wife lets out a scream

“WHAT’S THIS PLASTIC SPIDER DOING IN THE ALLU PAPDI CHAT??????????? IT’S CRAWLING ON THE CHAAT MASALA!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Thanks to Joseph Szerletich for his idea that he threw at me at work. It worked, Joseph. Nice job. You da Man.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Jay Bhatia No-Hits Oakwood!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Had Batters Completely Fooled All Day On Ephus Pitch He Learned From Coach Luhm.”

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We’re From Milford, We’re from Milford…

… No one likes us
We don’t care
We’re from Milford
F***in’ Milford
No one likes us
We don’t care

I am Bader
Barry Bader
No one likes me
I don’t care
I am Barry
F***in’ Bader
No one likes me
I don’t care

It’s my dad’s fault
It’s not my fault
It’s my dad’s fault
I don’t care
Didn’t know that
Until last week
It’s my dad’s fault
I don’t care

Where was my mom?
Where was my mom?
For the last year
Did she care?
Did she stand up
To my father?
It’s not my fault
I don’t care

I’m Pelwecki
Kev Pelwecki
I hit homers
No one cares
I’ll beat Shankey’s
F***in’ record
You mean Sharkey?
I don’t care

I am Dafne
On a mission
Get in J-school
I don’t care
I’ll expose my
F***in’ classmates
They don’t like me
I don’t care

I am Ms. Rizk
I will take risks
Name’s ironic?
I don’t care
I just care ’bout
F***in’ Trumpet
I will take risks
I don’t care

I’m Kazinski
Bob Kazinski
I don’t coach much
I don’t care
Hair like Venus
Grab that penis
Off the basepath
I don’t care

I am Gil Thorp
Head Coach Gil Thorp
We’re still playing?
I don’t care
Trust the Process?
There’s no process!
When’s my tee time?
I don’t care

 

Oh for the love of Jay

 

So finally, Finally after we’re over the mess of Barry Bader and Dafne the reporter and Mrs. Bader and Kevin P annoying us even when he isnt trying to, and we think we’re in for a nice change of pace with a fresh story and new faces and summer stuff etcetera etcetera, (contract in Willy Wonka movie 1971) we get…………………………….this.

Jay Bhatia. Jay Bhatia?? This is what we’ve been waiting for? Its July 19. Everyones been out of school for a month and a half, and these 3 clowns are still dicking around the office, and the hallways, figuring out who’s gonna Start the next game?? We still HAVE a next game?? When the hell is the LAST game?

First of all how do you pronounce his name? Is is Basha, or Ba hasha, or Bay sha, or Ba Hay sha, or Bay tee ya? I couldnt even find that on Google.                                             Kaz saying he stopped by twice means – what the hell did you accomplish the first time Mister Coach? Oh, we’ll never find out. These guys have time to do everything but move along to the next season.

So Jays point is the pitching is the key to victory, not Kevins launch angles? What was all the time with Kevin spent for then? (See last sentence in 3rd paragraph). Here I thought Kevin was the straw that stirs the drink.

Then Gil tells Jay he’s starting the next game. You know what? In a normal high school team, there is a rotation. All the pitchers know ahead of time when its their turn. So only because of this random conversation, which took TWO trips to the office, Jay finds out he’s starting the next game. Against Oakwood. How many days until that game, Coach? Good thing Jay went twice – once wouldve led him to believe Gil was buying his Bobby Howry-like stat analysis. How many games is ‘With everyone else’?? 6? Real big sample size, Stat Boy. We havent had a storyline about just baseball in forever. Now we’re starting? On July 19??

Bottom line is Gil doesnt care about stats; he decides who pitches and thats that. Fine. But it looks like a way to get Jay out of the way so he can go back in the office and work on that lemonade for the last (only) week of summer whenever it comes.

In the meantime I’ve decided that Jays last name is pronounced – Ba Ha.

 

 

 

 

Soft Recruiting (Coach Colvin Wrote Me A Letter)

I’m not going to pretend that I know anything about the actual mechanics of college recruiting or if sending letters through the mail is still the primary way for communicating with “recruits”.

What else does it say?

If your grades aren’t good enough to be admitted, walking on is going to be problematic.

If you think Gil Thorp doesn’t give a shit about baseball, wait until you get a load of The Colvin Way.

Do you have any relatives that live in Idaho? Out of state tuition at State U. is brutal!

Gil is probably standing right next to you, right? Say hi to that old reprobate for me!

Coaches Want Travelers And Campers

P1: About College ball… You’ve never come across as the scholarly type, so why not try out for the Central City Boxmakers? They play exhibition games for beer money and seem about on your level. Last I heard, Slim Chance was picking up cleanup innings in between gigs at local county fairs.

P2: Besides, coaches want kids who have enriched them over the years through the provision of free (amateur) labor and camp tuition. They especially like it when they’ve had the chance to groom these kids away from their parents. Then again, if anyone on the team could use some groomin’… Maybe at least buy you a scrunchy or something.

P3: And after an almost interminable lecture on the walk from the locker room to the field, none of this gets through to Kevin. I’m going to have to assume that Kaz has some bluetooth buds plugged in and is jamming out to the greatest hits the early twenty-first century has to offer.

Bonus Points: I award none today.

Holding a Finger in The Wind

Not to get all meta on y’all, but lemme just say that following up on posts such as those Ned penned yesterday can be a bit daunting. That said, let’s get to it.

It seems we’ve come some way in the realm of finger repair and thumb reattachment, such that it’s not preclusive of rehabilitation and return. Unfortunately for Gil’s powers of recollection, as described below, Joe made it to the bigs prior to his injury and may possibly have enjoyed success as a pitcher a la Three Finger Brown. Then again, this was forty years ago so Gil may be forgiven for being a little shaky on the details. Heck, forty years ago I was… Well, let’s just leave it at that it was a real, real long time ago.

Want to know what would make panels two and three a lot more interesting? Context.

Instead of wasting time dragging the Bader characters through the mud for no discernible reason, we could have some sense of how many games have been played, how many remain, what efforts Gil may or may not have made on Kevin’s behalf to get him to the next level, etc.

Heck, we could even have explored an arc where his teammates, annoyed with his obsession for personal stats, go to the coach for help with their well meaning but misguided star. Maybe have Kevin go down swinging when he should have just been trying to advance the runner and the Mudlarks lose a crucial game to a hated rival to miss the playdowns.  The point is: There were a lot of missed opportunities for Lessons To Be Learned.

Instead, we wasted more panels than I am prepared to count on an inane interview of BB by DD that I can scarcely recall as, practically speaking, it had no plot. Which might not be the end of the world, except that it’s the middle of June and I have to imagine the football arc starts in August.

Minus points:

P1: Re: Gil’s up the nostril shot, as my toddler son used to say, “No TANK You!”

P2: Please tell me that is some kind of miniature clipboard.

P3: It’s been my lifelong quest, which I embarked upon eight weeks ago, to break his all-time record, with which I am only vaguely familiar.

metapost: FYI to the team, I have created and applied The Legend of Joe Sharkey category.

Interlude

Ha ha, Joe Shaky! Good one, Gil. You really nailed Kaz with that. Ha ha, Kaz is shaky before he has his coffee. Ho ho, that is rich, Gil!

I don’t know anything about Joe Sharkey. He’s definitely from the pre-TWIM era of Gil Thorp. The way Gil is touching his chin, I think we’re going to go into a flashback. Why not? We’ve got all summer.

All right long time Gil Thorp fans, enlighten us noobs to the legend of Joe Sharkey and his mighty stick!

ETA: It looks like there was a passing reference to Joe Sharkey during the Elmer Vargas story. We’re still largely in the dark. I will thumb through the one Gil Thorp treasury I have at home later and see if there’s a Sharkey story there.

Barry Being Barry

Is Barry being pissy because his father is in prison and he’s being hounded by Dafne, or is Barry just predisposed to pissiness? This is the question of the season, along with a general, all around WTF.

There’s something about the overall proportions of panel one that makes Barry look tiny. Maybe it’s just me. Each figure in the panel looks to be in a different plane and they seem disproportionately sized. I don’t really know. It just looks off.

So Barry grounds out and gets pissy with the ump. Seemingly out of nowhere, Coach Kaz appears to lift Barry and carry him away from confrontation. Is this a condensed version where we missed an escalating confrontation or did Coach Kaz just materialize at first to manhandle Barry preemptively? (If Kaz was coaching first base, he should have a helmet on, right?)

I’m going to have to say, as pissy as Barry can be, being lifted up and carried away by a coach (as humorous as the image is) is pretty transgressive. Even if Barry was being a turd, this is just a bad move. Do we have enough room in this plot to examine the repercussions of Kaz handling a player like this? It’s doubtful. I think it’s just supposed to be a funny gag, but it leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t even think I’m going all #metoo on this. I just think it looks bad. I think an ump should take control very quickly and just toss Barry for arguing. I would think that would be warranted in high school ball. If Barry melted down as a result of being tossed, that would require intervention, but we just don’t see that much detail of the whole incident.

Have at it readers!

Also: Rapped or chopped? Which one would you think would be easier to beat out?