This Week in Milford

December 4, 2018

Fist Bumps At The IMAX, Anyone?

Filed under: Coach Kaz, freak hands, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 5:09 pm

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Everybody’s high-fivin’ and singing at the top of their lungs, Queen’s “We Are The Champions”. They were previously foot-stompin’ Queen’s prelude “We Will Rock You”. Yes, the blood, sweat, and tears that one must expend to ensure victory at the Milford Bijou…wait a minute, did you think I was talking about Milford’s games with Tilden and Valley? Sure, they haven’t played them yet, but I’m like Zig Ziglar and his “See You at the Top” positive-thinking literature, you gotta see the reaching. And I’m seeing it now as the football players have reached Nirvana after another successful night at the theater, the movie being sold out. Victory is assured and in this case is already in the bag. Yeah, yeah, it wasn’t an Academy Award production, “Gil’s Football Plot Gets Buried Alive at Macchu Pichu on The Planet of the Apes”, but the Milford Nature Center was closed(unless you’ve been to Milford Community College and taken “Nocturnal Hiking 202”, taught by Marjie Ducey) and the football players were too old for the playground plus the team drew a bye for the week due to Plot Constipation and they had to go SOMEWHERE. Plus, doesn’t Kaz look macho in an ape outfit, fighting Aldo for who’s going to be running the  freshman football team until they dig out Coach Shaw out of the ruins?

 

“I will go to Caesar and he will decide who’s fit to coach!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

If ya plow yore 4-wheel drive thru tha gate at the Milford IMAX Drive-In Theater cuz they’z handin’ out free Buds and Mick-ee-Lobes and ya want a front row spot cuz ya heard “Dukes of Hazzard: The Movie” wuz playin’ and yore dyin’ ta see Boss Hogg bendin’ over ta give a ticket and his crack bein’ displayed in 3-D and in Panaromic 360 Wide Screen, ya might be a redneck.

 

 

Coach Kaz, AGAIN, a pop quiz (or surprise quiz as you like to call it, the other 99.9999999% of the teachers whoever existed call it a POP QUIZ) is one you’re NOT EXPECTING. Okay, if you can’t stand to catch them off-guard because your Billy Graham-inspired sermon you listened to compelled you to warn them (“Why send a poor defenseless student to perdition if they weren’t warned to memorize The Bill of Rights? Remember, your World Geography students perish for lack of knowledge.”) , fine by me. But tell them a quiz is coming and leave it at that. We’re having enough trouble sorting through the ashes that is this plot without having to experience the same semantical miasma the students must be facing. You can’t pop the question if the other person is expecting it. Sure, when Gil popped the question to Mimi, I’m sure she had a rough idea what he was going to ask. Still, Gil could have asked “Mimi, do you know if the Milford Garbage truck schedule has been changed? I have a whole lot of bags of aluminum cans in the basement to get rid of.” Rest my case.

 

A HUGE shout-out to Bridgett Fowler of Louisville, Kentucky for all her services as a manager at Family Dollar for many years. She gave great customer service and motivated her employees to do the same and the store kicked some booty as a result. She endured a couple of robberies, not to mention shoplifters(many of whom were caught and sent to Justice) and came out ahead. She is now raising her grandchild and doing a great job with that. He is going to school and doing VERY well. She has a lot to do with that. She’s earned a salute from me, gang. God Bless You, Bridgett.

 

 

Don’t look now, but Benita Butrell is headin’ to Milford. She’s in the teacher’s lounge at MHS.

“Did you know I saw Gil messin’ around with Ms. Rizk up in the Journalism room? He waits in the art supply room until Daffy Duck gets her assignment to Beirut or Djakarta or wherever and then he makes his move. Oh, the grunts that woman gives out. Sounds like Elsie the Cow in heat. Now I know why Elsie looks so happy on the Borden milk carton. But I’m not one to gossip so you didn’t hear it from me.”

Sorry, gang, just taking Kaz’s statement in P1 and using “In Living Color” sketches to run with it. I LOVE Keenan Ivory Wayans’ humor and found a place to express my love. Expect more of the same in the future.

 

Oooooooooooookkkkkkkk, gang, Gene Rayburn is steppin’ to the plate for another Match Game 2018 question. Here we goooooooo, take ‘er away, Gene.

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooo dumb (Brett Somers leads the crowd as conductor HOW DUMB WAS SHE?????????) , she thought the football plot was going to end before_______________”

 

And talk about a puzzle wrapped up in an enigma. And I thought I have seen it all in my millions of years following Coach T. What is P3 supposed to convey?????? That Thorpiverse knows how to draw like Frida Kahlo, using paint-by-numbers???????

You old-times remember the inaugural Night Gallery that had in its repertoire a Steven Spielberg episode called “Eyes”, about a rich baroness in the heart of New York City who is blind and desperately wants sight? Mr. Spielberg arguably started his success there after successfully directing Joan Crawford who reputedly could be difficult to direct. Anyway, there was another episode in the trilogy (the 3rd called “The Cemetery” with Roddy McDowell and Ossie Davis) called “The Escape Route” which was about an ex-Nazi hiding out in, I believe, Argentina, trying to avoid his Jewish captors. He frequents this art museum and spots this painting of this fisherman in a boat on a lake with beautiful mountains and scenery in the background. What’s scary is the fisherman bears an eerie resemblance to Josef Strobe (YO-sef STRO-buh, played by Richard Kiley) , the ex-Nazi’s name.

He tries day after day to will himself into the picture to get away from his pursuers, one night desperately begging to be a part of the landscape and actually succeeds. One problem. The painting was on loan so he winds up in this picture of someone getting crucified, the art officials investigating, since Strobe entered the museum after hours, hearing a soft scream of terror. They turn around where they think it is coming from and of course see Strobe in his horrible condition, trapped in a painting he will endure perhaps forever.

Why don’t we put Coach Kaz in that same painting since there’s no caption in P3 anyway? Why waste paper on an 8 x 10 in matte finish and leave it that when we can put some life into a dead fish? Staring at the cue light looking stupid? Hang on the cross, Kaz. Let’s FINALLY get some excitement if we’re gonna drag this plot in the Iditarod Race. Might take all the sled dogs in Alaska to pull this one through The Last Frontier.

 

“Please, Gil, GET ME IN THAT PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!”

“Kaz, I promise, we’re gonna do a retake of the 2014 team. I remember when you were on vacation in Papua New Guinea.”

 

 

Another HUGE shout-out to Carla Grant and her son, DeAndre and Anna Wooldridge.

Carla has raised DeAndre to be a healthy adult and did so with a vengeance. She has spent a lot of time with him and though DeAndre is confined to a wheelchair, Carla has expected people to treat him no better or worse than anyone else. They go shopping together, they do all kinds of activities together, they travel together, and I commend Carla for taking the time to make DeAndre a responsible person. Her strong faith In God inspired me among the many things I learned from her that day. I hope to see her again and learn some more. God Bless You, Carla and DeAndre.

Then Anna, you have decided to get busy living after you were in the hospital for a while and have decided to go back to work. You could have taken disability and been content but Wal-Mart is your official work station because you know God isn’t done with you yet. You have inspired me to Do The Right Thing by never giving up. And it’s paid off. You make America run, My Friend. Without you, the labor pool is a lot less. May God Bless You.

 

 

“We’re here in the Milford Nature Area where Marty Moon and Peaches have agreed to stay 21 days, butt naked, out in the wild. We will closely monitor the two as they come to grips with the wilds. They are venturing into the unknown that only people captured in flying saucers could witness and relate in the Milford Enquirer. Time will tell if they can survive the jungles of the MNA. Tarzan is not here to help them. God help them.”

This portion of the program has been brought to you by

Milford Beverage Warehouse. Stock up on your favorite liquors with Christmas coming around the corner. We have plenty to pass around with all your relatives coming into town. And for all your tee-totalers, we now have Dasani Bottled Water in aisle 12 in 12-packs, next to Dewars Scotch Label. Hey, everybody can have a good time and not worry about the egg nog getting spiked. And now accepting EBT cards. Welfare and food stamp recipients can experience The Good Life at Christmas also. Milford Beverage Warehouse, where alcohol is Grade A.”

And by

Milford Men’s Clinic. Where our charges are cheap but effective and require no battery cables. Nice to get up and go, especially in bed. Wives seem to think so. Come see why.

Day 1

“Marty and Peaches both undress at the trailhead of the Dutch Elm Tree Trail. Named after a gigantic elm tree that got devoured  by termites after SEVERAL people had carved their initials on the tree, there is a marker there to commemorate the specimen(“James Watt Memorial Sapling”).

Both are ready to take the wild. Marty has just taken his last Breath-Mint(doesn’t want to offend the wildebeests) and is ready for action. Peaches is nervous but still reasonably confident. The brontosauruses are reported to be munching on vegetation on the other side of the nature area and should pose no threat.

Marty and Peaches part company. They will be allowed to reunite after 10 days but for now they pursue different legs of the trail. As part of the agreement, they must spend at least 2 hours each day off the trails to intensify their contact with the elements unknown.

They are allowed 1 backpack with food taking up no more than 1/2 the space. A water bottle is allowed but can only be used to drink from the streams, ponds, lakes, etc. in the nature area. A flashlight is also allowed with an extra change of batteries but THAT IS IT. If the batteries fail, tough luck. Good thing Marty brought his Harbor Freight Tools pocket flashlight that he got at a yard sale which he uses when he’s having trouble reading the copy in the press box.”

Day 3

“Marty spots an alligator. He has run off the beaten path and this is the result. He eats his Nature’s Finest of Milford Granola Bar Blueberry in nervousness. Fortunately, the alligator, as is their wont, is lazy and can find better humans to chew on. Marty’s snake meat status arouses no interest in the gator. Marty will survive the swamp and run to safety by the old abandoned railroad track that the Milford & Oakwood Express operated during the Hoover years. He will sit on one of the railroad ties and devour another one of his 236 granola bars he has crammed  in his backpack, wedged in with his Mott’s Apple Juice Reduced Fat, satisfied that the gator will be chowing on an injured Mudlark that lost its way.

Peaches, meanwhile, is in a little cubby hole, a forest glen, if you will. She can see the moon beams spray down upon her, tempted to get a tan. Hey, the Coppertone ad may have shown Spot pulling on some poor little girl’s bikini and exposing her butt, BUT Peaches needs no dog out here to display her birthday suit. Besides, I think Alvin & the Chipmunks helper her undress before they ran back in the woods to escape the lions and the leopards. Can’t be too careful. Shame she forgot the lotion. She gets out her Pillsbury Brown ‘n’ Serve rolls that she is baking over a camp fire. She snuck the Black Diamond matches past the Nature security guard. She forgot the Blue Bonnet butter(left it in the front seat where it will melt on her Milford Mutual checkbook) and is forced to seek desperate measures. She milks a raccoon and instantaneously spreads the faux-Chiffon on her rolls. What a way to say it’s not nice to fool Mother Nature.”

 

“Christmas is right around the corner and before you know it, you’ll be caught off guard on December 25 with Christmas Dinner full of chicken n’ dumplings, turkey, plum pudding, Waldorf salad, roast beast, Yorkshire hams, green beans, apple cobbler, pumpkin pie, chocolate pie, fruit cake, plenty of dinner rolls but no beer.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp. When Mimi and I forgot to stock the cellar with alcoholic beverages one year, we practically had to call out the Milford National Guard to stem the riot. Fortunately, they had some beer, wine, and a few bottles of Jack behind the seats of their Humvees that they generously donated so that they could go back to the armory and celebrate once again. We dodged a bullet, pardon the pun. But it doesn’t have to be this way. At Milford Beverage Warehouse, they have a wide selection of Beer, ranging from Budweiser to Blatz to Lowenbrau to Gerst. There are so many more to name so you’ll have to check them out and avert your own disaster. Plus plenty of wine, especially from right here in our neck of the woods, Milford Valley. Golly gee, my lips just smack on Milford Valley  Prune Surprise and does it give me a run for my money. It’s Christmas and I’m not gonna let gastrointestinal infections rule the day. Plus plenty of Milford Vending Beer Nuts in case you run out of Planters in the appetizer bowl. And if you buy $100 worth of merchandise, you’ll receive a free gift card from Budweiser good for $25 on your next outing and it even has Spuds McKenzie designed on the card. Some things never get old.  Come surprise yourself and see what Milford Beverage Warehouse has to offer. Now accepting EBT cards. Marty won’t have to worry whether his ATM card will max out. He can enjoy The Good Life and still be a snake. You can too and you’re not a snake. You won’t be disappointed.”

Day 7

“Peaches concocts some Hot Cream o’ Wheat she crammed up her butt, the packets a bit uncomfortable when the mosquitos are buzzing. She couldn’t fit ’em in here backpack because of all her Avon products.

 

Marty has learned not to apply Skin Bracer (I can hear the crickets chirping “Byyyyyy Mennen”) in the outdoors. He is besieged by a fraternity of horseflies while he is foraging for water. He is maniacally swatting them with his Mr. Coffee Courtesy Cup he received by FedEx when he bought 10,000 Mr. Coffee filters. Some people will walk a mile for a Camel. Anyway, the horseflies spot a deer carcass and pursue henceforth.”

 

To be continued

 

Gang, comment away. I am going to try to deprogram Gil. After hearing the 23rd Milford Men’s Clinic commercial while listening to WDIG Sports Talk Radio (“Moon in the Morning”) , Gil is in a trance.

Mimi is ready for the Romantic Moment on the verandah

“Gil, I love you. How long have we been married? 33 years? How long had we been seeing each other? Since Nixon’s 1st term in office? Or was it LBJ, give or take Alf Landon?”

HAAAAAAAARRRRRRREEEEEEEE KRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIISSSSHHHHHHNNNNNAAAAAAAA,

HAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE KKKRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIISSSSSHHHHHHNNNNNAAAAAA, HAAAAAAA…

 

“Y’know, I saw Joe Bolek in the film room beatin’ off on the IMAX screen. he was really feelin’ ecstasy, especially after he was gettin’ his jollies off those nude photos of Daffy Duck and Dr. Pearl. But I ain’t one to gossip, so ya didn’t hear it from me.”

 

Love ya, Benita.

 

 

My Sweet Lord

Vishnu Lama

My Sweet Lord

Shiva Dharma

 

Kaz walks into Gil’s office

“Gil, have you been listening to Marty again? I turned it off after what he said about Coach Shaw’s wife’s lack of athleticism.”

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November 29, 2018

Siskel And Ebert Gave This A Thumbs-Down

Filed under: ?, Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 5:37 pm

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And we know something else. Tiki has been using a liberal supply of Oxy-5 and a ton of sandpaper for his Mt. Rushmore face if P2 is any indication. And speaking of smiling for the camera as Robmize mentioned in his post the other day, gadzooks, Tiki is flashin’ them pearly whites for all the world to see. I suppose when you and Encyclopedia
Brown have solved The Case of the Malodorous Thugs, you deserve to show the world you used Colgate and Turtle Wax. His teeth are glossier than a Classic ‘vette at the Milford Car Show held in the Wendy’s parking lot behind Milford Beverage Warehouse.

 

“If Bugs Meany and that ignorant Joe Schmuck with the black cap had been telling the truth, this plot would have ended weeks ago. Plus Schmuck claimed he had Gil’s hair which gave him an excuse to kick the shit out of Tiki as there really wasn’t any other reason valid enough to keep the readers stimulated. Schmuck was obviously grasping at straws and when Encyclopedia noticed that Schmuck indicated reputed grasping by grabbing his crotch in desperation(plus he really had to take a whiz somewhere and had to really go bad, preferably by the time the answer section in the back of Encyclopedia Brown reader had made its point) and also that if Schmuck had Gil’s hair, his cap would have expanded like Jiffy-Pop and popcorn would have been scattering all over the ground. Trapped in their own lies, Bugs confessed that the plot wasn’t worth the bucket of spit someone hockers into an ash tray in the smoking section at The Bucket and that he brought Joe Schmuck along hoping to bring some excitement to this dead horse. Bugs realized that The Joker and his gang or some sorry-ass version of The Crips and The Bloods really wasn’t going to spike readership interest, evidently what Bugs was driving at since he really couldn’t whup Sally Kimball and repeated attempts at the effort, including dumping a cement loader of Morton Salt in her swimming pool, pouring distilled water into the Chemlawn formula to make the lawn a bad excuse for primary colors, setting a time bomb in her dad’s riding mower, nuking her basement and ruining the family photo albums had all failed so Bugs got desperate. Joe Schmuck disapperaed and will never be seen again, Gil’s hair was returned to Ripley’s Believe It or Not! Museum, and the gang of unknowns went over to Gasoline Alley as extras, background people when Walt and Skeezix are at Corky’s Diner discussing how bad this plot got with no relief in sight.”

 

 

A shout-out to Craig Holt of Louisville, Kentucky. Craig goes to work every day enthusiastically and never slows up at the end of the day. His work ethic is excellent and they speak highly of him up in the front office and among his co-workers. If you’re down and depressed, you won’t be for long when you’re around him. He always makes my day. He will for you too. He is always there to help a person in need for even the smallest thing. Compassion, intelligence, solid worker. You got the ingredients, My Man. And my respect. God Bless You.

 

We’re done with this plot

And the aborted free-for-all

Idiot’s not playing

Any frickin’ football

 

That’s a drag

Hit a snag

 

I remember Days of Gil

Back in ’74

The pigskin days

Were obsessed with the score

 

Not any more

What a bore

 

Can’t they shift the Jets ‘n’ Sharks

Over to Wizard of Id

Arlo & Janis

or even Rose is Roooooossssseeeeee

God forbid

 

I’ve had enouggghhhhhhh

All the young fools(Hey fools)

Carry the news(Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you)

Bun-gle-ing boobs(Get on with basketball, forChristsake)

Carry the news(And,Tiki, take off that yarmulke, you’re being reinstated, not at a Bar Mitzvah)

 

A conversation between Dr. Pearl and Gil Thorp

“Now I must go and get on Gil”

Get your mind out of the gutter, gang. If you’d been reading “Eats, Shoots & Leaves” by Lynne Truss, you’d have known that Dr. Pearl has a husband and has no interest in Coach Thorp. Mimi is saved for yet another night.

Here’s the corrected version

“Now I must go and get on, Gil.”

Nope, this sexual tryst was not to be, arousing controversy for a plot badly in need of one, if only for the readers’ interest, let alone sanity. Instead, Dr. Pearl and Gil could prattle on about the 1908 Cubs but Dr. Pearl’s Ladies Night Out at the Milford Bingo Hall with her husband can’t wait. Leave the light on in the hallway when you leave Gil, er, leave, Gil.

BTW, “Eats, Shoots & Leaves” is DEFINITE required reading for you aspiring writers. VERY indispensible. Don’t start your literary career without it.

“Mimi has pimples on her butt; she uses dental floss to scrape The Bucket Liver Cheeseburger bits out of her teeth.”

Again, she doesn’t have tattoos on her derriere either as Gil insists. Well, I haven’t seen her at the Milford Tattoos and More parlor recently, so I believe her.

Anyhoo, the corrected version

“Mimi has pimples on her. But she uses dental floss to scrape The Bucket Liver Cheeseburger bits out of her teeth.”

 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, P1 is just absolutely, positively ridiculous. Hello, Joe and Tiki, this is a sports comic strip, not Siskel and Ebert.

“I thought Gil, with that smile in P3, reminded me of that flunkee that followed around Napoleon when he was pursuing Bugs Bunny all over Versailles. It added texture to the plot.”

“I disagree, Gene. Gil’s too flat and Kaz isn’t helping, spending more time playing Atari with Gil than conceiving of any real football action.”

“Roger, I’ll give you that this plot is an abysmal failure and should be shot at dawn along with Czar Nicholas in Novosibirsk somewhere but there are brownie points you haven’t taken into consideration. Kaz is simply trying to solidify his relationship by guiding Gil with the joystick when negotiating one of those worthless race cars on Al Unser’s Fantasy Racing at the Indy 500.”

“Well, if he is, He and his brother Bobby ought to start their own hobby shop because Kaz is not a factor and his worth to the plot reminds me of those plastic fish heads the dancers were wearing in ‘Godzilla versus The Smog Monster’.”

“You drive a mean bargain but unfortunately a rebuttal is not to be as our time is just about up. Both Roger and I gave ‘Gil Versus The Rug Rats Disguised As A Harley Motorcycle Gang’ a Thumbs Down. That’s all the time we have. We’ll see you next week at the movies.”

 

You done ruined the season

With movies and Tiki

I hope you’re happy

Cuz that’s pretty cheeky

 

Have you no shame

There’s no game

 

Gil and Kaz are in the room

Gettin’ down on Rolling Stones

They can’t get enough

Of Elvis clones

 

Get a life

Sez your wife

 

Dr. Pearl is bound to show up

Any old time

Wondering why

You’re not on classroom time

Teaching Lifetime Frisbee

Underwater Phys Ed

or Advanced Spelunkinnnngggggggggggg

 

I’m just about to barf

All the young fools(Yeah, YOU, fools)

Carry the news(What’re you doing at Blockbuster Video?)

Bun-gle-ing Boobs(Couldn’t whup those bullies that pick on Bart Simpson?-and Joe’s the Second Coming of the VideoHound)

Got the wrong tools(And this plot is a WOOF!!!!!!!!)

 

Gil said “Kaz, you’re a real pussy. My great-grandmother Thorp could have fought those losers.”

Now if you’ve been doing the required reading of “Eats, Shoots & Leaves”, like I assigned in class, gang, you’d KNOW that this isn’t correct. Gil doesn’t own a cat.

Gil exclaimed “Kaz, your Siamese is a real pussy. BTW, my great grand piano owned by my mother got frothed in the car wash by those hosers.”

 

And do I have to beat this in the ground? I mean, c’mon, those smiles are just beggin’ for Looney Tune satire as long as we’re going to stomach another episode of “Gil Thorp, P.I.”.

“Kaz, did you get the photo of that one gang member who photo was seen in all the post offices all over Milford?”

“Ummmmmmmmmm…”

“Well, did you, yes or no?”

“No, I lost them when I tripped and fell and they got wedged in the piano keys, the same one that went down the chute at the car wash.”

This is Looney Tunes, keep in mind. Gil is a guest star(permanent, when you think about it).

Gil is boiling mad and gets his 16-foot rifle w/saber and tells Kaz to bend over out by the flagpole out front.

“I hate this.”

STAB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-woo-hoo-hoo…

Dr. Pearl, on the second floor in a staff meeting with the Foreign Language Department looks out the window and is wondering why Coach Kaz is jumping 85 feet in the air.

Well, at least Tiki escaped.

 

The Stepford Wives invade Milford

“I need you to run the clock the rest of the season. You all play a shit-ass 5-game schedule anyway. Coach Luhm can take over.”

“Oh, Gil, I will follow your football and basketball teams from Samaria to Judea unto the ends of the earth. Your coaching is the end-all and I was just baby-sitting. Who’s going to be Luhm’s asistant?”

“Daffy Duck.”

“I can think of no better choice. When she’s not vegetating in Ms. Rizk’s room, digging up stories fit for Better Homes & Gardens, she’s feisty, she’s fair, and, by God, she’s Milford Incarnate.”

“Fine. You know where there’s an outlet to plug the timer?”

“Oh, thou art Atman, Gil. It is situated next to the drinking fountain.”

 

Mrs. Andrews, one evening at home.

“Do you want Splenda or sugar in your coff-”

“Do you want Splenda or sugar in your coff-”

“Do you want Splenda or sugar in your coff-”

 

“Gil, this is Tod. What was the number of Milford Robotics?”

 

“…and that’ll wrap things up here in Blooming’s Ton, where the Hosers defeat the De La Warre Blue Hens in the Hoser Holly-Day Classic by a score of 90:52. For Max Skirvin, this is Don Fischer, so long everybody.”

Okay, gang, a few more spelling errors but the song remains the same.

READ THE DAMN BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks to Dustin Howard, of Louisville, Kentucky, for his help with this idea. Dustin is a good man and has a nifty sense of humor. It DEFINITELY helped here.

 

All right, gang. You know the drill. BTW, I can’t wait for the sequel to Tiki: The Lost Generation. Ahhhhhhhh, think I’d rather switch to basketball.

 

Football is over

In all of the states

High schools are switching sports

At a phenomenal rate

 

Oh, not Gil

Never will

 

Someday Gil will learn

This is not Leonard Maltin

This is just a lukewarm version

Of John-Boy Walton

 

Act your age

Leave the stage

 

Someone’s got me glued

To this merry-go-round

Can’t I get off and ride the

Wild Mouse

The Ferris Wheel

I’ll even settle for the kiddie bumper carrrrsssssssss

 

All the young fools(If the cleat fits, wear it)

Carry the news(That the name of Gil is proclaimed and he coaches actors, not players)

Bum-ble-ing boobs(They really can’t even act either, better go back to touch football)

You have no clue(Did Tank McNamara ever report sports news for Entertainment Weekly?)

 

All the young fools(ALL THE YOUNG FOOLS)

Carry the news(TAKE THIS NEWS TO THE DUMPSTER)

Bum-ble-ing boobs(PLAYING MONOPOLY AND TRYING TO FIGURE HOW TO PAY THE PARK PLACE BILL IS MORE EXCITING THAN THIS)

Your screws are all loose(PLEASE, PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU, GO TO MILFORD TRUE-VALUE HARDWARE AND TIGHTEN THEM)

 

All the young fools…

November 14, 2018

Gil’s Next Trick Play: The Tiki Eligible

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Kaz can’t conclude that

Tiki eligible, so

Off to the weight room

 

Then while bench pressing

Bet Kaz wasn’t expecting

Gil to teabag him

 

There’s no clear-cut call

On eligibility

To keep us guessing

 

Gil Thorp logic:

“What would our opponents think?”

They don’t have to know

 

No Urban Meyer

More like Kirby Not-so-Smart

Or next Petrino

 

Andre Ruffin sez:

“Wish you were playing tonight.”

“The jury’s still out.”

 

Benched Tiki again?

Didn’t even dress him out?

Why did he show up?

 

Surely Marty Moon

Has noticed. He should be on

This like white on rice

 

Through all this shitshow

Where’s the movie buff punter?

Off watching game film?

 

Is he reviewing

This travesty of a plot?

Give it the finger

November 13, 2018

Does Anybody Really Know What Time This Problematic Plot Will End?

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You KNOW this plot is wearing out its welcome when the World Book Encyclopedias are in full view in P3. Usually those things are off in the background  or in the corner of the cartoon panel out of the way and you have to be rid of toxic wastes or sober to notice them. But today, you could be stoned on Jack or reached Nirvana on your heroin and experiencing a Triple Cheese Bucketburger and Diet Chili Fries and medium drink (tax included) down at The Bucket with Timothy Leary (with Timothy picking up the tab) and, damn, what is Gil doing reading in the “G” volume of Encyclopedia Brittanica? Is he looking up “Gardening”? Helping Kaz with the latter’s Introductory Geography class because the latter forgot the capital of Guam? Read the Milford Enquirer in the Stock Market Report and saw a future in “Granite”? Just don’t use your house or Mimi’s team as collateral, Gil.

And remember when Dagwood, in the Chic Young days, would go to the department store with Blondie and shop for clothes and jewelry and cosmetics, etc. that Blondie had a hunkering for? And remember when Blondie would bounce ideas off of Dagwood and eventually say something comical or stupid, Dagwood would ejaculate a retort, accompanied in the background by a clump of people (again, normally the corner of the panel) who were always present at Dagwood and The Amazing Technicolor Retort? As if they were in the Lawn and Garden Department shopping for weed eaters or in the Electronics Department shopping for “Howard Stassen Sings Slim Whitman When He’s Not Running For President Again” CD or the Hardware Department sniffing out the cheapest Sam’s Choice light bulb (4000 hours and still keeps on going even if you accidentally piss on it) but if they heard Dagwood rebuke Blondie with a damning squelch, they’d drop the Stassen CD and come running like a herd of buffalo just in time. I’m surprised the buffalo never broke the glass on the counters in front of them. Bison stopping on a dime? Impressed.

But now the bison HAVE broken the glass and just about devastated Wal-Mart altogether, making Black Friday appear to be kindergartners overrunning the substitute teacher because they wanted an extra cookie on their stomachs during nap time. In other words, WORLD BOOK HAS TAKEN OVER YOUR OFFICE, GIL. Don’t Fear the Reaper, Gil, cuz he and World Book and the bison snuck through your prairie-style windows and set up shop.

Therefore, I brought along a VERY popular group from the late ’60’s-early ’70’s, Chicago, to kick some booty on this plot and sweep up the detritus even as we kick. Originally called Chicago Transit Authority, they were forced to change the name when the City of Chicago threatened to sue over copyright infringement. So they became Chicago which to me has a better ring to it anyway and I’m sure the group of Robert Lamm, Terry Kath (RIP, My Man, Hendrix loved you) Peter Cetera, Danny Seraphine, James Pankow, Lee Loughnane, and Walter Parazaider would agree.

 

As I walking up to Gil one day

He showed me that his Sportswatch lost a gear and lost the race cuz it went cold deeeeaaaaaadddddd

Yeah

And I said

Does anybody really know when this crap will end?

Does anybody really care?

And so I can’t imagine why

We’re not on tenterhooks while it dies

Gang, we know we are subjected from time to time to a bad joke teller who gets on our nerves with his/her jokes only his/her mother would laugh at(occasionally debatable). But we’re all Christians and we don’t want to hurt the poor schmuck’s/schmuckess’ feelings. Therefore, we laugh politely, hoping he/she will see “mene, mene, tekel, parsin” like Daniel did in The Bible and stop with the bad comedy schtick and move on, preferably to Qatar. Many time Joe/Jane Jokehacker indeed leaves on the next ocean liner to Angola or at least goes home(unfortunately, like moonshine, to brew more bad humor). We’re off the hook because we laughed politely, if not sincerely. C’mon, the joke was bad, we’re just steering out of trouble.

However, so that both parties wind up in a win-win situation, DO NOT implement the Elmer Fudd Polite Laughter Technique, i.e., HAHAHAHAHAHA. Not only will he think you are just trying to get him/her off your back, he/she won’t go home to conjure up more crappy humor. Now you’re stuck with a major problem. Allow me to demonstrate:

 

Joe: What is white and black and looks like Mt. Everest all over?

Jane: I give up.

Joe: Gil’s hair.

Jane: Shhhhhhhhhh, be vewy, vewy, quiet. I’m hunting wabbits. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Joe: You didn’t think it was funny?

 

I think you get the message. Here’s another example:

 

Gil: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Kaz: I give up.

Gil: To get to the other side.

Kaz: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Better late than never. Pialeavinte (“PEEL-a-VINT-ee”) Hernandez, of Jeffersonville, Indiana, gets a shout-out after showing me her lust and zest for life even though she is confined to a wheelchair. “Can’t do” is not in her vocabulary, not at any time. She now works at Wal-Mart and stocks the shelves with the best of them. Rather than sit at home and mope, she has chosen to wise up and live. Gotta hand it to her, she is an inspiration to me and I hope she is to you. God Bless You, Pialeavinte. I salute you.

This I encountered at the Shell Convenient Mart at their mini-TV screen while I was pumping gas

The Word of the Day: Stentorian: Loud and harsh-sounding, often in a rude and obnoxious manner.

Okay. An example is in order

Mimi was confronted in the gym by the Milford Police after her stentorian coaching to her players about how to implement the pick-and-roll was heard several blocks down the street, reaching the second-shift bartender at the Milford Lounge.

Oh, what the heck, how ’bout another example, gang?

Dr. Pearl’s stentorian threats to the union steward representing the cafeteria ladies that Dr. Pearl would hire scabs if the union wouldn’t cave in to the 1.00 an hour increase(union was bucking for 1.50/hour) fell on deaf ears. The union was going to proceed to picket in front of Milford Mall.

 

And, I’m sorry, but the only thing that comes to my mind when talking about living in uninhabited quarters is The Amityville Horror. Aside from the fact that the book is one of the few that scared the Living Hell out of me, this plot is not only pressing its luck, it’s doing so with unnecessary weirdness.

“Sure, Coach, I’m fine. Every now and then I see Ronald DeFeo, Jr. hacking up his  mom and dad in the bath tub and machine-gunning the children in the breakfast nook and, wait, I also see buffalo stampeding Ronald Defeo, Jr. in the laundry room every night at 1:00 A.M. and Dagwood and Beezelbub singing “The Antichrist Is Coming” in a duet to the tune of “Christmas is Coming” (…please to put your claws and fangs in some dead rat’s blood…) on the verandah and pigs and buffalo look at my house every morning when I leave for school and I’ve occasionally heard a marching band play “Moon River” by the front door, Andy Williams coming from the grave for an encore, otherwise, I’m eligible.

Shout-out to Shawna Vickers, from Louisville, Kentucky. She does an excellent job in dispatch at TARC (Transit Authority of River City). With all the routes and drivers running this way and that, she is VERY patient in straightening out any problems that may come her way. Remember, many people have doctor appointments and important meetings to go to but she ALWAYS delivers in motivating the drivers to those people there. Shawna, if nobody else recognizes the hard work and aplomb you put into the job, I WILL. SOMEBODY needs to notice. I salute you, Shawna. You make the city of Louisville AND America run.

Gil: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Kaz: I give up.

Gil: It heard the Milford Stadium might be sold out and so it ran its ass off, avoiding getting run over by J.B. Hunt semi’s and Yellow Cabs and a station wagon full of soccer kids and mopeds and Evinrude motorboats and Apollo 8 rockets and Milford & Oakwood Express to get to the other side to get an early seat.

Kaz: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

As I was walking down the street one day

I caught Mimi cussing at her diamond watch with 19th-century diamonds dug during the Victorian age with a lap timer for the Milford Marathon and was once pawned off by Winston Churchill when the British economy was stagnant  before Bretton Woods could address the issue replete with sapphire studs around the wristband that glow in the dark a plus when Mimi’as trying to find her key to get inside and a partridge in a pear tree and she said Gil spit his phloem at the wrong angle and that it was  cold deeeeeaaaaaddddddddd

And I said

Does anybody really know what time this trash will cease?

Does anybody really care?

And, Lord, I honestly try to imagine why

All the excuses why we shouldn’t cry

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Oil Inc. Fined $25,000 For Illegal Parking!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

Milford Oil spokesperson insists tanker was parked between the yellow lines.

Shout-out to Lisa Kik for 21 years at Workwell Industries. Man, I’m impressed by your dedication and hard work to make this great nation even greater. Whatever you do, you attack with a vengeance. You ALWAYS put 110% into what you do. And I will also remember your niece, Adline (AD-leen) . She is very dear to your heart, I can tell. And that is how it should be, to care for things and people that will always pay you back down the road with their gratitude. I hope Adline becomes like you, Lisa, hard-working, unselfish, and great believer in God. May God truly bless you.

Oh, what the heck, the examples keep popping up in my head

Marty’s stentorian drinking at Milford Lounge was only matched by the stentorian chewing out by the WDIG President of Marty because the ratings had hit the skids at last week’s football game.

Gil’s stentorian snoring forced Mimi to sleep in the boiler room at Milford High School because Steve Luhm was applying the final coat of wax in Mimi’s office. Mimi refused to sleep any further with Gil until he marched his ass down to Milford Men’s Clinic and treated his stentorian erectile problems AND subsequently marched his ass down to the Dr. McCoy Sleep Apnea Center at Milford General to treat his obnoxious, stentorian snoring.

Dagwood: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Mr. Dithers and Blondie: We give up.

Dagwood: To get to the other side.

Mr. Dithers and Blondie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Dagwood: You didn’t like the joke?

Insert rebuke

Mr. Dithers and Blondie: Do you realize how old that joke is?

Buffalo stampeding the Children’s Department at Kohl’s, ripping up all the Underoos.

And I was walking down the street one day

Being pushed and shoved by Mudlarks trying to break these panels and dump this plot on its head

And I said

Does anybody really know what time this plot will end?

Does anybody really care?

And so I cannot fathom why

We left our brains from this to fry

Gang, comment away. I have another example of stentorian to leave you with (If you don’t like it, may you be eternally confined with Tiki at his living quarters with pigs and buffalo). Take her away, Bob Eubanks

“Couple #3, How would you describe your sex life will your say as ‘stentorian’?”

Coach Shaw on a roll

“Oh, man, when I’m humpin’ and pumpin’ like a dog on a fire hydrant and skinnin’ my wife like a 10-point buck and rippin’ her guts, not literally but sexually, she turns me into a saber-toothed tiger!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Well, Tony the Tiger, the answer is not so GRRRRRREEAAATTTTTTT!!!!!!!!! She answered when you’re arguing while you’re trying to avoid her and you wind up in the sugar maple tree in your yard because your whim-whim got beaten down by the stapler.”

“Honeyyyyy, you know we sold the stapler at our yard sale last week.”

“You still have to use the magnet to yank out the staples.”

“Coach Shaw, I hope the Superconductivity is high.”

The Milford Mudlark gym-turned-into-studio audience roars with laughter.

Good ol’ Bob. Knows how to keep cameo coaches in line. Like that in a man.

 

Gil: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Kaz: I give up

Gil: It was heading to Milford Community College because it heard there was a symposium that was in the process of solving Fermat’s Last Theorem and it had the proof and the papers in its claw, pointing out several flaws such as the 1 hadn’t been carried when they were adding x^n + y^n = z^n, that the n was a prime, not a composite number, throwing the whole proof off, therefore the radical had to be a negative within the radical, naturally, rendering it an imaginary number, therefore stymieing Bertrand Russell’s assertion that imaginary numbers belonged in Marty’s goatee, and that the exponent n was really part of the Commutative Property of Equality, refuting the argument that

x^n + y^n = z^n

However

z^n doesn’t equal x^n + y^n when switched around,

thereby rendering Side-Angle-Side Theorem totally futile and the chicken was on the verge of achieving fortune and fame via negating this misapplied thesis but before it could stand on the Shoulders of Giants, the Pepsi truck ran it over in the parking lot.

Kaz: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Gil: You didn’t think it was funny?

Kaz: Some of my best friends love imaginary numbers.

November 12, 2018

Straight Answer

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, Coach Kaz — nedryerson @ 6:38 am

111218

Tiki had to leave New Thayer. We will find out why if we are allowed to have more straight answers.

So, Tiki’s family, in order to contend with his removal from New Thayer is renting an apartment in Milford to establish residence. Something about that doesn’t add up. I don’t expect further explanation of why or how they did this. It’s just another one of those things we are supposed to accept.

That pose in Panel 2 is used a lot.  With tilted head, a character clutches the side/back of the neck. Maybe there are swarms of mosquitoes in Milford and characters are often swatting them.

 

November 10, 2018

Where Do You Sleep?

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Thalidomide Kaz

Threatening to take Tiki

Back to his dojo

 

To “sleep.” Yeah, whatevs.

Kaz’s dojo is simple

Not unlike himself

 

Far simpler than

Tiki’s complicated life

How complicated?

 

I don’t think we’ll know

Until the end of next week

Oh, such the drama

 

“Do” more definite

Than “could.” Might mean that Tiki

Sleeps in his Plymouth

 

Not matter of where

Tiki sleeps but where he could

Kaz, how do you sleep?

 

November 9, 2018

Ok now I’ve had it.

Filed under: Coach Kaz, football, What the hell is going on here?, Where is Milford? — robmize2013 @ 10:46 pm

 

Well this tops it all.

A student at a a high school- is being pulled out of a class he is planning to attend to ostensibly learn something in said class — by an assistant football coach–

And ordered to walk OUTSIDE— to tell said football coach —

 

 

WHERE

 

 
HE

 

 

LIVES.

 

 

 

Jesus. Oh yeah I said that yesterday.

Good thing theyre walking on Gods green earth because thats the level of bafflement I’m feeling.

Are you fuckin fuckin kiddin me?

You know what? People say there is other life out there, that we arent the only ones, that there are other solar systems, other planets, other people, other beings, other ecosystems, other whatever.. and I dont really believe that but you can believe what you want. I maintain we’re the only ones, that we must have a perfect distance between us and the sun to survive, etc., and the other planets are either too hot or too cold. Maybe there’s more out there but we’ll never have time to find it.

There exists no planet — none  — that would have this going on.

Not here, not there, not nowhere. Never before, never after. Never period.

And I know that as sure as I’m sitting here with my mouth drooling from being so wide open for 10 minutes.

History is very long, mind you. I was in Buffalo last weekend for the Bears game, and I had time to visit Niagara Falls, and there was a display showing the evolution of the falls, and it started before humans were around.  Millions of years ago.

And we could take those years and double them, and still– there would not be a single day– not only on this earth but on any earth you may feel exists, in your mind or in reality– that the above strip would ever occur– in real life.

And then— after the question is asked of said student– and student answers with not a NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS but with a real answer, a location on GPS, said football coach

ASKS THE SAME QUESTION AGAIN!!

Its complicated?  Thats where we’re at on November 9, 2 months after the season has started, after student (private) records have been filed in the computer system, after practices, games, more practices, more games, and now playoff football in every other stratosphere except– this one.

Gang, we’re now farther away from resolving this matter then we were when we had punter issues.

I could go on forever, but — forever would not be long enough to have this situation – in this strip above me– happen again.

Your turn folks!

 

 

 

 

 

November 8, 2018

Will Wal-Mart Be Selling Sketchy Telephones On Black Friday?

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Including today, we have negotiated through 22 days without seeing a football. You TWIMers have done an excellent job with the analogies on detectives in relation to The Hardy Boys and now Gil and Kaz,  running the gamut from Encyclopedia Brown to Agatha Christie to Go Go Gadget Go. Even Gil is getting in on the act, calling Kaz “Sherlock” the other day. I reckon when you ain’t playing football because it’s been preempted by “Peyton Place” and “A Charlie Brown Special: The Case of the Missing Fussbudget”, you start thinking more like Luke Spencer and/or Jessica Fletcher

And the telephones are the proof in the pudding. Good God Almighty, Gil and Kaz ought to be switchboard operators . They’ve been spending more time with phones than pigskins, without a doubt.

“One ringee dingee

Two ringee dingee

Hello, is this Coach Sit-on-your-ass-all-day? This is Coach Phone-is-epoxied-to-my-earring. We’re calling about a player that used to play for you. You don’t know him either? But you heard he dated Manny the Mail Man’s daughter? Well, that makes sense, the Shoe Shine Man on “Police Squad” told me he’d been in the ‘hood mixing in with some sketchy characters. BTW, how long has that Tab can been on your desk? I can smell it through the wires.”

 

VAMBOOOOOO, I don’t understand this plot at allllllll

You old-timers, remember when the Sensational Alex Harvey Band appeared on the old In Concert series (on ABC right after the 11:00 News) ? Talk about bizarre. Bizarre lyrics, bizarre music, bizarre clothing. I mean ta tell ya, Alex baby is belting out VAMBOOOOO, accompanied by their guitarist who was dressed in a clown outfit, combo The Joker/Pennywise the Dancing Clown with a voice like one of Sabrina’s witches.

Later, Alex’s mouth is stuffed with what later turned out to be L’eggs Panty Hose that he eventually put over his face (Mudlarks, don’t try this at home) and flagrantly displayed to the world how psychopathic he really was, a bank robber about to scare the living daylights with that hose over his face, with the idea that if you’re terrified of this demon on your TV screen, you’d fork over your money (I’d have given my paycheck I was going to cash at Milford National, anyway, don’t know ’bout you.) and be entertained to boot.

Damn, Coach Kaz might shroud his face with L’eggs Avocado Medium Size but it wouldn’t be entertaining and this plot would STILL be bizarre AND stupid. At least the audience applauded SAHB.

 

And what in the name of VAMMMMBBBBOOOOOOOO is the New Thayer coach talking about when he says sketchy characters???????? Is this another way of expressing “stick figures”? He’s been drinking so much of that stale Sam’s Choice Berry Cherry Soda with all the ensuing flies buzzing around it that it’s affecting his judgment?  I am really trying to be fair here.

But remember when we used to play Hangman and if you spelled the word out, your stick figure got the noose at high noon? Is ol’ Coach Sit-on-etc. insinuating that Tiki associated with the Hangman’s kids? Boy, the artwork has really hit the skids lately if we are to learn the truth in a few days. Let me come on in and draw Tiki’s friends. I’d win 1st Prize in the Stick Figure Competition at the Milford County Fair. Me, with my manila paper of 3 stick people trying to shove past the door greeters and security on Black Friday at Wal-Mart side-by-side with a couple a kids that won the Cow-Milking  Competition, wow. And all I had to do on the stick figure door greeter was draw a rectangle for his/her name badge. Piece of cake.

 

Shout-out to Tommy Stanford who works at the Fern Creek, Kentucky Taco Bell. He always has a smile on his face when a customer walks in and does EVERYTHING he can to please the customer. It’s a definite great experience when he takes your order. I like his professionalism and if you’re in the neighborhood, swing on by. Even though Taco Bell is a nationwide chain, Tommy makes it a Small Business atmosphere. And gang, you need to go where everybody knows your name. Give Tommy the business, gang. He deserves it.

 

“VAMBOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Comin’ to the rescue!!!!!!!!!!!!

VAMBOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Comin’ to the rescue!!!!!!!!!!!

VAMBOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Comin’ to the rescue!!!!!!!!!!!”

A teenager almost spills his Triple Chunky Chocolate Bucket o’ Shake

“Is that Coach Thorp in that Bozo outfit????? Geez, no wonder why he can’t recruit ANYONE, let alone a punter.”

Yet, Gil and Coach Shaw soldier on, the center stage replacing the dancing area where the kids normally boogie. Right now, there’s a new band in town. They really need to up their VAMBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOO since Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs are scheduled to appear next on their Comeback Tour. VAMMMMBBBBBBOOOOOOOOO getting outclassed by “Wooly, Booly”? Perish the thought. Plus Tiki will shock ’em later with the panty hose act.

“Man, I knew the Bucket Lobster Claw Plate ‘n’ Chips were hard to swallow, but Tiki’s REALLY havin’ a time of it. Think I ought a slip a glass of water?”

 

Okay, okay, Tiki in reality wasn’t associating with kindergarten-drawing characters (“Mommy, Mommy, look what I drawed, a stick figure getting his ass handed to him by Gil in his office!!!!!) so let’s rewind and see if we can figure out SKETCHY CHARACTERS once and for all. And the Amazing Kreskin is rummaging through his mind and interpreting this as a typo for SHADY CHARACTERS. Where else could Thorpiverse be leading us? Are Dagwood and Blondie SKETCHY CHARACTERS????? Sergeant Snorkel????? Man, the dude is too fat to be sketchy. And not too many SKETCHY CHARACTERS with one tooth in their mouths, much less making Beetle Bailey roadkill.

Soooooooooo, SHADY CHARACTERS it is. STILL, has Tiki been associating with Goodfellas??????? Is that why he runs to games, classes, the bathroom, etc. cuz this unmarked Cadillac Seville is chasing him because he failed to finish a job that he signed a contract for????? Does that mean if Marty Moon disappears suddenly (fingers crossed) from WDIG, Tiki fulfilled the terms of the contract and will show up on time for !st Period World Geography?????? Folks, I’m just going with what I’m seeing if we’re going to discuss SKETCHY CHARACTERS. So far, we’ve ruled out stick figures and Dennis the Menace but that’s about as much progress that we’ve made. Oh, and The Sopranos.

 

A HUGE shout-out to the poll workers who manned the voting booths at American Legion Post 42 in Floyds Knobs, Indiana this past Tuesday. When I walked in the place and saw the serpentine line, to be honest, I was understandably concerned. BUT the whole staff operated like clockwork and I was out in less than 1/2 an hour, from the end of the line to signing in to voting to putting my ballot in the box. And as a bonus, they saw over 1,000 voters exercise Democracy (I was about 3 voters down from the 1,000th voter) . Just as important it is to vote are the people who ENABLE US TO VOTE by all the procedures they follow to make this thing work. And you DEFINITELY made it work. I salute you all in making Freedom reign.

 

P1-“HICCUP!!!!!!!!! No, I don’t recall a Tiki (looking under the New Thayer Downs Racing Weekly) . I see a Kiki, naw, wait that’s Kiki Vandeweghe, that’s my ESPN Classic magazine, my bad,  (looks in his desk, shoves aside the Pringles), I saw a Thomas here on my roster BELLLCCCHHHH, Excuse me!!!!!!!! from ’98 but that was when we were doormats to you all, shoot, (scratching crotch, switches leg so that other leg can get a rest from the balancing act on his chair), I even looked on my plan book and couldn’t find any appointments with any sketchy characters, they must have gone to Apartment 3-G, well, (looking under his Jack Daniels in the top drawer next to his checkbook to make sure) , if I find any Tiki Jackson, I’ll holler. BTW, is he any kin to Tito or Janet or Michael? Can Tiki moonwalk?”

 

In response to a local McDonald’s issuing the edict “No profanity in this store!!!!!!!!”

 

“DAMN!!!!!!! My Bucket Buffalo Burger is medium-rare again!!!!!!!!!! The beef is redder than VAMBOOOOOO and who the Hell left the Bucket Chili Chipotle Fries in the deep fryer so long???? This 10W40 taste is making me puke and shit in the Bucket men’s room at the same time. And WTF made the Bucket Oreo Shake? These pieces look like deer droppings when me and Shaw go hunting. We’d find a 10-pointer for sure leaving these pieces of poop on the trail.”

“Gil!!!!!!!!! They’re issuing fines!!!!!!!!! Watch your language!!!!!!!!!”

“I said ‘poop.'”

 

At the Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club auditions

“VAMBOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! This plot has got me hypnotized!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Ahhhhhh, that might work. As long as we can keep Gil’s face dabbed with Pond’s Cold Cream between sets, he can always fake the Gibson guitar. And thank God, the Milford Shriners were willing to donate a clown costume. He might struggle with the clown shoes since he wears a size 12 and they’re size 11’s but I understand the leather stretches.  And we’ll just lip-synch the high notes for Gil. But, Shaw, no way we’re using a Jazz guitar on this number.”

“But VAMMMMMMMMNBBBBBBBBOOOOOO was Joe Pass’s favorite number!!!!!!!”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket Metes Out $10,000 Fine To Coach Kaz Over Profanity Allegedly Uttered This Past Saturday!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“All I said was that the cooks must have substituted cow manure for meatballs in the Bucket o’ Marinaded Spaghetti.”

 

If ya actually git rewarded with a McDonald’s McRib Sandwich coupon cuz ya got a little carried away with talkin’ about that whopper of a swordfish ya caught at Mudlark Lake cuz the McD’s manager is yore fishin’ buddy and completely kin relate, ya might be a redneck.

 

WHO SHOW COACH SHAW?????????

VAMMMMBBBBOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Naw, couldn’t have been him. He sings like the Wicked Witch of the West but witnesses saw him at his Fraternal Order of Clowns meeting at the corner table at Milford Lounge.”

 

Gang, comment away. Looks like we’ll be learning a lot about mythology if Thor’s lightning bolt in P2 is any indication. Ahhhhh, enough thinking. I’m going with Gil and Kaz on the tour of the Washington Monument in P3. The next tour is due up at 3:00PM. Can’t wait to see the Potomac.

 

At Gil’s home at 11:30 one night, Mimi can’t sleep and is reading Danielle Steele while jammin’ on the turntable to Clifford Brown (You died too early, Clifford, My Man) . She is overwhelmed by one of Steele’s dresses on the back cover. Suddenly, behind the Motorola Console, a man with steel netting over his visage rises up and acts like one of the ghosts from Scooby-Doo.

VAMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOO

“GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE!!!!!!!!!”

“Mimi, it’s just me. I thought the shock might circulate the blood and get you tired. It’s lonely sleeping with Dino.  His farts are a bit too juicy.”

“FIRST REMOVE THE CLOWN MAKEUP!!!!!!!!!”

 

At The Bucket cashier

“Ma’am, did some idiot scoop this Bucket o’ Teenie Weenie Wieners and Spaghetti O’s Kiddie Plate out of a Ken’L Ration can????? My daughter had to scurry to the Emergency Room at Milford General and my son has a rash. How can you sell this Bucket o’ Shit?”

Suddenly, a police siren and flashers appear through the window.

ONE ADAM-12 ONE ADAM-12 WE HAVE A CODE 291 IN PROGRESS AT THE BUCKET!!!!!!!!!!!!

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