Come and listen to my story ’bout a man named Chris
Poor schmuck got sidetracked by a bucket full of piss
Maybe one day Gil will get to the truth
Gil’s tactics shape so badly too short of the tooth
4.0 student, Gil
Unsubstantiated claims
Easter Island head
Will somebody please wake up Gil and apprise him that if he’s going to be out of the office like he’s been the last several weeks, that he just can’t pop back in and start a witch hunt on evidence that is as shaky as Dr. Pearl’s skin medication? Boy, if they gotta apply the truth to her face, it might not cover all the wrinkles. You might apply Pond’s Medicated Cream to Teddy Blue’s Hair. It’ll still look ugly, but wow, the Mohawk sparkles and shines. Granny Clampett and Clearasil, I’m layin’ my money on that venture before Gil gets his bell rung and stops giving credibilty to the warts on Teddy’s head. Can’t use Oxy 5 on a Mohawk, the way I understand it.
We might as well employ the services of Jed Clampett. Go out in that buggy of his and take his shotgun with him. I wouldn’t want to be in Teddy’s shoes now. I wouldn’t want a man pulling up in my driveway in a contraption meant for coon-hunting and oil well-discovering, some old lady who’s following him carrying a jar full of Bucket Possum Gizzards.
“Well, no, Mr. DeMarco, that’s whut I came fer, ta git ta the bottom uv this. Now if ya say that he wuz swimmin’ in our hole in the back afore thuh gators came out fer feeedin’ time, I believe ya. I reckon I kin reason with ol’ Chris over it.”
“Ye-ahh, an’ ya tell ‘um that if he jumps in that hole agin, I’ll set thuh trap and he’ll be lunch fer them gators.”
“Now, Granny, simmer down. We ain’t gonna make Chris a sacri-fish-ull lamb. We’ll wait until he takes the exam, then we’ll spring the gators on him. Ol’ Jethro’s one uv thuh proctors and he kin slip the gators past security.”
“I still think if yuh tote one of them gators ta Gil’s office, ya might scare the tarnation out of both of ’em. Then they both might be honest fer once.”
“I dunno, Granny. Ya might have better luck gittin’ Jethro ta show up at his weddin’ than ol’ Gil showin’ up at his position, ‘specially when the truth’s at stake. Reckon ya might throw another one ’em T-bone slabs at the gators fer good meassure.”
Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer
“O.J. Denies Any Affairs With Granny, Says Relationship Is On The Up And Up!!!!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
“Nowhere near common-law. I just ate some sauteed toad legs and taters at her table one night, that’s all.”
You gotta be kidding me, Thorp. Yes, it IS serious but NO, it isn’t Chris you need to speak with. Someone needs to use a gator trap on your Rock ’em Sock ’em head and squeeze the truth out of you.
Earth to Gil. As the readers have accurately pointed out WHERE DID TEDDY GET THOSE TESTS????? That’s the first thing you need to be asking before you drag an Honor student in your office and ask him the equivalent of whether he ever settled on his overdue parking fines. Yeah, you should pay them eventually but if some jackass is ridin’ the streets of Milford in his Harley at 80MPH in a School Zone, there’s no sense in takin’ Chris to the station when Teddy is using Milford for the Indianapolis 500. It’s the spectacle of racing, all right, and I’m not referring to the city. I bet you might find out that Teddy doesn’t have a license to ride that thing. Probably got his registration out of the Milford Pawn Shoppe. Y’know, the BOGO scenario. No wonder why Teddy was able to get that and a grocery sack full of AP exams.
“Can I see your driver’s license and registration, Mr. Clampett?”
“Weeeellll, dogie, Officer, I think my registration is buried under ’em PSAT’s in the glove box. Would ya settle fer my driver’s license and Barron’s Guide to the Hunting Laws Exam?”
Well, the first thing ya know, ol’ Chris is in the soup
Gil Thorp said, Chris, wipe your shoes of poop
He said, Harvard Law School is the place ya oughta be
So Chris got out of Milford and dumped this travesty
Or Yale, Gil
Good students
Teddy in the bottom of a Beverly Hills pool
“Weeeeeellllll, dogie, Granny, I didn’t knows ya wuz the princ’pal of Milferd High. A student done told us when me and Elly May wuz cleanin’ the girls gym of skeeters and lice. Did Gil do the hirin’ ‘n’ firin’?”
P2 is about the only thing I agree with in this commedia dell’arte and none of it is spoken. His shooting form is on-point, having worked with kids on their shooting and humbly claiming some success after a few of those kids made the team somewhere. They took the wins, I took the losses.
That said, ORAL commentary is a joke and leading absolutely nowhere. Changes in attitude, changes in latidude, we couldn’t play, we would just go insane. What’s sad is that somebody will have the utter nerve to ask why Chris didn’t turn in the contraband to Granny Pearl rather than be taken out of the incinerator at Milford Waste Management. Thorp and Granny, if you aren’t smart enough to quit giving credence to a class clown who is more clown than class, ain’t no way I’m steppin’ in the fire and gettin’ that char-broiled SAT test and clearin’ my name. Flame-broiled burgers taste better when the cook grills them without adding Chiquita banana peels.
I remember when Will McDonough, a well-respected journalist, still employed dubious reasoning on NFL Today on CBS with Brent Musburger and Terry Bradshaw when McDonough reported that one NFL team complained that another NFL team was spying on their practices and thus crying foul. Bradshaw blitzed McDonough and rightfully so when he answered “Will, if you see a couple of idiots in the stands with binoculars and taking notes and you’re not smart enough to run ’em off, WHY BRING IT UP?????”
Gil and Granny, if you don’t run off a class clown wannabe, knowing his record, WHY BRING IT UP????? He didn’t even use binoculars. Granny, I assume you checked the file cabinet on the dude’s record. Bettin’ that’s thicker than your Anti-Aging medication in your purse.
“Don’t try to hoodwink me, Jethro. I run a venerable institution. If Miss Hathaway said she saw Chris walking out with a stack of 100’s, then I believe her. He can’t just walk out and bank those in the Nerfhoop. That’s what a Nerfball is for.”
“Now hold on, Mr. Drysdale. I knows Chris. If I thought he wuz a dishonorable man, I wouldn’t a taken him ta go fishin’ down at the creek. I counted all my worms and I had all my ducks in a row when I wuz loadin’ the bait.”
“Nonsense. You better watch your fishing equipment. If I can’t trust him with crickets, by God, I surely can’t trust him when he’s checking on his IRA account at the teller window.”
“Ya mean, that one at the end of the counter? Shut my mouth, she’s cuter ‘n’ a bug’s ear. I’ll take ‘er on a fly-fishin’ outing at Mudlark Lake anytime. I reckon I’ll catch more than fish.”
If yore huntin’ license is en-dang-urred cuz ya hunted 1,243 snipe and the bag limit wuz 1,242, not countin’ the tare from all the millworms in the bag, ya might be a redneck.
“We need to get to the bottom of this. His reputation and his future is at stake. I would hate for his good name to be tarnished over a student who failed to exhibit proper foresight. Look into this incident and report back to me tomorrow.”
“Right away, Dr. Pearl. Is there anything else about Gil you want me to find out? I heard he was pulled over at The Bucket Drive-In area for a DUI. Too many Bucket Creme de Menthe’s in the Bucket Shake.”
“No, Ms. Rizk, that won’t be necessary. Obtaining that receipt Theodore dropped by the Milford School Bookstore is crucial. We need to confirm that Gil wasn’t using fake test booklets on the PE volleyball exam. That is was a plant by Theodore.”
“Said and done, Dr. Pearl.”
Today’s Women’s History Month entry is Pat Summitt, who coached the University of Tennessee’s Women’s Basketball program for 38 years. A hard-nosed, no-nonsense individual, she became the first U. S. Olympian to win a medal as a player and a coach (Silver in 1976-player, Gold in 1984-coach) . Her teams won 8 National Championships under her guidance, including an undefeated season in 1998. She was listed in the Sporting News as the 11th-best coach of all time on the 50-Best Coaches List (MLB, NHL, NFL, NBA, College Football, College Basketball) . She is 2nd all-time in wins, 1098, behind Mike Krzyzewski at Duke. Plus all of her players graduated, many with honors. And 25 people came out of her program to be head or assistant coaches in other programs. Please join me in saluting a great coach who won big while touching the lives of many.
“Weeeeeellllll, dogie, Granny, nuthin’ like a room with a view. And that tree is probably older than you are. I used ta go huntin’ by these here woods and my bloodhounds would tree more squirrels up that sorry excuse fer a poplar than Dr. Pearl had wrinkles.”
“Eeeeeeeeeeee, just wishin’ they’d quit comin’ in here when I’m ironin’. I gotta still work on Elly May’s calico dress. I’ll get the facts about Ol’ Chrissy later. Personally, I’d tan his hide fer cheatin’ but I still gotta listen to the judge.”
“I understand the judge went down ta Milford Lounge with Mimi ta sing kar-ee-okee. They wuz singin’ ‘My Endless Love’.”
“If they don’t sing any better ‘n’ Lionel Richie, don’t be afraid ta use yer shotgun ta stop the comp-a-tish-shun.”
“I reckon I won’t need ta be so drastic. Granny, here’s more grease I picked up from under m’ buggy. It’ll git that wart off yer nose plain as Kaz in a panel.”
“We’ll be back for the conclusion of ‘The Mudlark Hillbillies’ after this.”
OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YEOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!
ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“My name is Thomaston W. Snipe III and I was all set to passing the bar after graduating Summa Cum Laude at Milford Community College School of Law. But the proctors got the tests mixed up and I didn’t know I was taking the Final Exam of Milford Culinary Academy until I got to the section on Oven Pre-Heating Procedures. It took me 3 months before I could get a job as a lawyer. I had my foot lopped off sleeping on the Milford & Oakwood rail line while I was waiting for the officials to correct a most grievoud error. Then a student of Emeril said he had burned his fingers frying Shake and Bake Pork Fritters. He got a hefty settlement and told me to call The Shark.”
“Don’t that beat all. Tripe III was in a world of hurt getting torts mixed up with tortes. I showed him that one of them you didn’t leave on the stove nor use Pam to bake in the pan with it. Neglect and forgetting to set the timer while the Rice-a-Roni Spanish Rice boiled in overtime caused my client to lose his leg. We fought the insurance company and made sure that Milford Culinary Academy paid my client what he deserved.”
“I got $6,000,000,000,000,001 for the trouble. The Shark took a dollar out to pay for the pop out of the machine. I am not only now a practicing lawyer, I also learned how to boil water before you throw the eggs into scramble. That Culinary Academy book that Teddy stuck in my briefcase was a treasure trove of information. Thanks, Shark.”
“You heard the man. Call Sharkey Law Offices at 1-FON-THE-JAWS today and get your own slice of the pie. You don’t need Kenner Easy Oven to get the money you deserve. One call, that’s all.”
Gang, you mean the world to me. And I’ll be back to talk with you some more after I finish that second helping of Bucket Possum Gizzards
Well, now it’s time to say goodbye and send this on its way
The facts will never rise to live another day
We hope you folks don’t come next week to this locality
To have a heavin’ helpin’ of this railroadin’ jamboree
Failed intentions
Lost grip on reality
Don’t come back, Gil, ya hear?
“Chief, really, Chris is an honorable young man. I just don’t think he would jeopardize his potential over a few simoleons.”
“I won’t hear of it, Miss Hathaway. That boy will go to Milford Maximum or this bank will suffer. What will my stockholders think?”
“Now, hold on, Mr. Drysdale. Chris ain’t sich a bad kid. Just cuz he got no direction frum Gil don’t mean ya gotta punish him with th’ whip. She’s got a point. I saw ol’ Chris help a skunk up that ugly tree behind Dr. Pearl’s office. Cougar ’bout ate ’em both alive. Chris shewed a picher uv Gil’s hair and ya shoulda that beast go flyin’.”
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