This Week in Milford

June 13, 2018

Coaches Want Travelers And Campers

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots — timbuys @ 6:12 am

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P1: About College ball… You’ve never come across as the scholarly type, so why not try out for the Central City Boxmakers? They play exhibition games for beer money and seem about on your level. Last I heard, Slim Chance was picking up cleanup innings in between gigs at local county fairs.

P2: Besides, coaches want kids who have enriched them over the years through the provision of free (amateur) labor and camp tuition. They especially like it when they’ve had the chance to groom these kids away from their parents. Then again, if anyone on the team could use some groomin’… Maybe at least buy you a scrunchy or something.

P3: And after an almost interminable lecture on the walk from the locker room to the field, none of this gets through to Kevin. I’m going to have to assume that Kaz has some bluetooth buds plugged in and is jamming out to the greatest hits the early twenty-first century has to offer.

Bonus Points: I award none today.

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June 12, 2018

Holding a Finger in The Wind

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Not to get all meta on y’all, but lemme just say that following up on posts such as those Ned penned yesterday can be a bit daunting. That said, let’s get to it.

It seems we’ve come some way in the realm of finger repair and thumb reattachment, such that it’s not preclusive of rehabilitation and return. Unfortunately for Gil’s powers of recollection, as described below, Joe made it to the bigs prior to his injury and may possibly have enjoyed success as a pitcher a la Three Finger Brown. Then again, this was forty years ago so Gil may be forgiven for being a little shaky on the details. Heck, forty years ago I was… Well, let’s just leave it at that it was a real, real long time ago.

Want to know what would make panels two and three a lot more interesting? Context.

Instead of wasting time dragging the Bader characters through the mud for no discernible reason, we could have some sense of how many games have been played, how many remain, what efforts Gil may or may not have made on Kevin’s behalf to get him to the next level, etc.

Heck, we could even have explored an arc where his teammates, annoyed with his obsession for personal stats, go to the coach for help with their well meaning but misguided star. Maybe have Kevin go down swinging when he should have just been trying to advance the runner and the Mudlarks lose a crucial game to a hated rival to miss the playdowns.  The point is: There were a lot of missed opportunities for Lessons To Be Learned.

Instead, we wasted more panels than I am prepared to count on an inane interview of BB by DD that I can scarcely recall as, practically speaking, it had no plot. Which might not be the end of the world, except that it’s the middle of June and I have to imagine the football arc starts in August.

Minus points:

P1: Re: Gil’s up the nostril shot, as my toddler son used to say, “No TANK You!”

P2: Please tell me that is some kind of miniature clipboard.

P3: It’s been my lifelong quest, which I embarked upon eight weeks ago, to break his all-time record, with which I am only vaguely familiar.

metapost: FYI to the team, I have created and applied The Legend of Joe Sharkey category.

June 11, 2018

Interlude

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Ha ha, Joe Shaky! Good one, Gil. You really nailed Kaz with that. Ha ha, Kaz is shaky before he has his coffee. Ho ho, that is rich, Gil!

I don’t know anything about Joe Sharkey. He’s definitely from the pre-TWIM era of Gil Thorp. The way Gil is touching his chin, I think we’re going to go into a flashback. Why not? We’ve got all summer.

All right long time Gil Thorp fans, enlighten us noobs to the legend of Joe Sharkey and his mighty stick!

ETA: It looks like there was a passing reference to Joe Sharkey during the Elmer Vargas story. We’re still largely in the dark. I will thumb through the one Gil Thorp treasury I have at home later and see if there’s a Sharkey story there.

May 21, 2018

Barry Being Barry

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Is Barry being pissy because his father is in prison and he’s being hounded by Dafne, or is Barry just predisposed to pissiness? This is the question of the season, along with a general, all around WTF.

There’s something about the overall proportions of panel one that makes Barry look tiny. Maybe it’s just me. Each figure in the panel looks to be in a different plane and they seem disproportionately sized. I don’t really know. It just looks off.

So Barry grounds out and gets pissy with the ump. Seemingly out of nowhere, Coach Kaz appears to lift Barry and carry him away from confrontation. Is this a condensed version where we missed an escalating confrontation or did Coach Kaz just materialize at first to manhandle Barry preemptively? (If Kaz was coaching first base, he should have a helmet on, right?)

I’m going to have to say, as pissy as Barry can be, being lifted up and carried away by a coach (as humorous as the image is) is pretty transgressive. Even if Barry was being a turd, this is just a bad move. Do we have enough room in this plot to examine the repercussions of Kaz handling a player like this? It’s doubtful. I think it’s just supposed to be a funny gag, but it leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t even think I’m going all #metoo on this. I just think it looks bad. I think an ump should take control very quickly and just toss Barry for arguing. I would think that would be warranted in high school ball. If Barry melted down as a result of being tossed, that would require intervention, but we just don’t see that much detail of the whole incident.

Have at it readers!

Also: Rapped or chopped? Which one would you think would be easier to beat out?

April 23, 2018

A Soggy Start

Filed under: Coach Kaz, freak hands, Gil Thorp, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 5:38 am

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Baseball season is beginning…in the gym. The team is suited up and ready to get out there and start shagging flies and playing pepper, but the weather isn’t cooperating. Gil and Kaz muse about the team and the tight bonds formed between these young men. The young men, as usual, are talking smack about their own. That’s the way it works.

The first player named this spring is (dun dun DUN!) Kevin Pelwecki. Of course Kevin’s claim to fame is that he was a lineman on the football team with dreams of quarterbacking who eventually played some at fullback. I forgot all about his baseball roots. He first appeared as a backup at second for loudmouth Barry Bader. Now he’s boring his teammates talking about launch angles.

Play ball.

April 9, 2018

The Best Part Of Waking Up Is Pouring Half a Pot Of Coffee On The Floor

Filed under: Coach Kaz, freak hands, Gil Thorp, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 5:45 am

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I’m still a little unclear on Gil’s role in brokering some sort of reproachment between Marty and the Padillas. Since Marty’s gonna be Marty and not own up to his troublesome behavior, what’s it to Gil? He was supposed to have done something before? Okay, I guess he could have paid a little more attention at what was going on at games he was coaching and flexed even the slightest administrative muscle to get the MPN to stop dicking around. But, Marty’s the one who screwed up there and at that point it had nothing to do with the Padillas. The Padillas want a sincere apology. Gil’s just flailing around here delaying the start of baseball season. Where’s Marty? I don’t want to think about this anymore.

So Panel 3 is a fun way to stop sifting through the dregs of this plot and just focus on good old fashioned giant hands and awkward pouring of coffee. Kaz has replaced his right hand with a child’s foot and is using it to kick himself in the head.

April 4, 2018

It Could Happen To You

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P1: Thanks for the exposition, Kaz. How much gel does Kaz have to use to get all of his sideburn hairs in parallel do y’all reckon?

P2: Is that even Paloma in the foreground hug with, uh, Karina I guess? Because the brunette in mid-panel looks closer to Paloma. Also, too, wasn’t this whole thing pretty much a Karina/Duncan joint with Jarrell ‘Spielberg’ Atkins directing?

P3: Jeeze, Mimi with a devastating toting the laundry walk by zinger. Meanwhile, Gil looks incredibly constipated as he just cannot deal with it that people keep bringing up this Marty Moon bullshit to him. It’s bad enough he has to show up at the games but he sure as hell didn’t sign up for talking about them for days afterwards.

Minus point: Karina has a terribly advanced case of trigger finger there in P2. Perhaps the Spring arc could help inform us about this potentially crippling condition and the plight of so afflicted high school athletes.

February 20, 2018

She’s So Hiigghhhhh, High Above Me, She’s So Lovely, She’s So…

Filed under: basketball, Coach Kaz — tdrewhardin @ 4:47 am

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CRRRRRRRRRAAAAAASSSSSSSHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

“The Dove hit the ground again. We’ll have to do another take, Gary.”

“Daggone it!!!!!!!!! Can anybody around here make wings that’ll actualy fly??? Go see if she’s OK.”

“Oh, we got plenty of padding. The Mudlark wrestling team is at a tournament in West Falls this weekend so we’re using all their mats. She should be fine.”

Well, ya gotta have Plan B. What if Uncle Gary WON the standoff with Rick’s dad??? Naturally, in the Thorpiverse, the script calls for Snidely Whiplash to hit the road, Jack, after Sniddles has dragged everybody through the mud, including the readers, for God-only-knows-how-many endless, pointless months. And the script proved correct. BUT, in coaching sports, I learned to expect the unexpected. I had the reserve script ready.

Wow, gang, you know the doggie doo is hitting the fan when our leading characters for this plot metamorphose into silhouettes. Sure-fire indicator the plot is thickening. Fireside chats are usually drawn out, pimples and all. Hitchcock Theater couldn’t mastermind this any better. I don’t think ANYBODY is really fixated on Mr. T and his teammates headin’ to the jump circle for the opening tip though I will never understand why objects further away from the matter on the present table are clearly drawn out but the price you pay if you want the Nielsen Ratings to remain strong which, I reckon, is how Hitchcock went from a draftsman at Milford High to hosting his own show. Horatio Alger couldn’t rise to the top any better. Anyway, let’s peep in on the conversation

“…like Cleopatra, Mimi Thorp, or Aphrodite/ do do, DO, DO…”

Oops, I got MTV by mistake. Let’s try this again

“Hey, Mr. T got a haircut!!!!! I like it!!!”

“Yeah, he says the Mohawk was getting in his face. Got tired of brushing it away and hair getting tangled up in his earrings.”

“And he can find his way to the jump circle!!!!!! Well, anyway, you tell that no-good slime of a broadcaster, ol’ DIGGY-poo, that you got your pride, Federico.”

“Fine. Now if you don’t mind, Coach Kaz is throwing down his Le Tigre jacket. I think I better strap on my Game Face.”

“Hey, did they move the basketball goal again?”

“Yeah, there was a water leak by the 3-point line and the Milford Sewer Department had to rope off the area. Paloma, PUH-LEASE, it’s showtime.”

P3 courtside perspective was undoubtedly the inspiration for “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”(basketball goal practically straight down the hallway?). Unless the Milford bench is situated at the half court line. Checking into the game oughta be fun. Heck, you’re already on the court. Why bother with the scorekeeping official. Still, you got your choice here, gang, although I’ll gladly accept write-in votes.

“She bitches endlessly/She cussed and railed at me

Unfurled my masculinity

I hope that I can check in and tune her out when I’m on the court

She can get on your nerves and annoy you like a 3-day wart, a wart, A WART

cuz SHE’S SO HIGGGHHHHH, HIGH ABOVE ME, SHE’S SO LOVELY, SHE’S SO…”

If yore name has a Spanish flavor to it and consequently, while being listed on the roster, takes up 1/3 of the program with all the “del’s” and “de la’s” but the play-by-play announcer still just calls ya “Bubba” when calling the game, ya might be a redneck.

“…like Cleopatra, Krusty’s niece, or Aphrodite/do do DO DO…”

Heard on the radio while driving on the Milford Turnpike

“And that ends the 3rd quarter as Milford has put on an 8-2 run, courtesy of a couple of Bubba Padilla putbacks, to extend the lead to 15, and after 3, it’s Milford, 57, and Oakwood, 42. We’ll be right back after this commercial break. You’re listening to exciting Mudlark Basketball on WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Here’s what Coach Shaw had to say about our clinic:

‘My doctor told me there was nothing I could do about my erectile dysfunction. I told my wife and she was supportive but deep down I knew she was disappointed. I felt less of a man. I was embarrassed!!!!!! And the players on the football team, after practice was over, would ask me if I was OK. I guess I looked pretty bummed out. But what do you tell a 16-year-old linebacker? The truth? Then I saw the Milford Men’s Clinic across the mall while I was slurping my raspberry yogurt in a booth at Orange Julius. I decided to give it a try. What did I have to lose but my sex life? I could still cameo from season to season depending on where Gil needed me, if nothing else. I’m glad I walked in. Now my wife and I have restored our intimacy. I have eliminated my ED and have been restored back in good standing at the Milford Holiday Inn.’

Thousands upon thousands have engaged in the plan and have recovered their dignity as well as their desire. If Coach Shaw can walk out a new macho stud, you can too!!!!!!!!! Call today!!!!!!!! 1-800-SEX-GOOD or you can stop by our clinic in the Milford Mall and set up a free consultation. You can also visit us online at coachshawfoundlostmanhoodatmmclinic.com. You have nothing to lose but a whole more to gain!!!!!”

Today’s Black History Month person is Ronnie Mack. He was a songwriter and producer back in the early ’60’s. He somewhat paralleled Eddie Rabbitt as both were talented but wet-behind-the ears musicians and songwriters. Ronnie wrote “Puppy Love”(although not the Paul Anka version, the more popular one) while Eddie wrote “Kentucky Rain”, both sold for a song and a dance, the latter bought, loosely speaking, from Colonel Tom Parker(DON’T get me started on Parker’s ruthlessness) for Elvis to sing. Both Ronnie and Eddie got wise to the game, Eddie having a productive career with songs like “I Love a Rainy Night”, “Drivin’ My Life Away”, and “Every Which Way But Loose”. Ronnie went on to produce and write songs for The Chiffons, including the smash hit “He’s So Fine” and also wrote songs for The Tokens who had earlier fame with “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”. Tragically, Ronnie died of cancer in 1963 and a VERY productive career was cruelly cut short. The songwriting team of Lamont Dozier, Eddie Holland, and Brian Holland, Motown heavyweights in the ’60’s with hits such as “Stop! In the Name of Love”, wrote a song about Ronnie, entitled “Jimmy Mack”, performed by Martha and The Vandellas. Oh, Jimmy Mack, when are you comin’ back indeed. Please spread the word about a man who deserved more and is VERY dear to my heart.

Gang, it’s your turn. Got any questions or comments, I’ll be on the other end, away from The Dove. I get a sick gut feeling she has more on her plate with a one Marty Moon.

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