This Week in Milford

October 11, 2018

…’Round and ‘Round and ‘Round and…

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High-flying in this worthless plot

Losing altitude

We go ’round and ’round  and ’round

Until it sucks up air again

 

Sorry, gang, just had to dip from the Classic Rock well again, this time from the Rock band Yes off their album Tormato (scrunching together “tornado” and “tomato”, you whippersnappers) which was released in 1978. And WE ARE just spinning our wheels on this one, allowing a teenager to dominate the landscape when the jury is still out on his character, let alone his game in general, let alone his punting prowess.

No Marty to skin this one alive and hold Gil accountable for spending more time with Arnie and Tiger in August when August was the time to be ferreting out what the heck Gil was going to do for the next 3 months? C’mon, Thorpiverse, you can’t bail out on the “Marty’s been suspended” excuse this time. Gil is roaming free like your small pet in your efficiency apartment and Marty is not there in his 26-cage Milford Animal Enforcement truck to haul him back to the pound. Gil is peeing on every fire hydrant in town.

 

P1: “Raise your hand if you’re Surrrreeeeeee……”

And I could have contrived other deoderant commercials running the gamut from Ban To Arrid, even gone the Roll-on for either one. Such a perfect setting. Coach is on his hands and knees begging Our Hero to come out for the team, Our Hero promising to go out if Coach promises to fork over the two duffel bags of footballs in Dr. Pearls’ husband’s tool shed (apparently an overflow in the equipment room) , give up his Hank Williams Anthology that he ordered one night on a K-Tel infomercial, including liner notes on how he froze to death in his car AND which year he froze to death (some say December 31st, others like the hitchhiker who looked inside, just wanting a ride, January 1st), and puh-LEEAAASSEEEE slap on some Right Guard. Unless some kid went for the jugular and aimed his water pistol at your pits, not that that I’m ruling that out…

Be that as it may, Irish Spring would complement your Big Jake physique.

“Coach, I don’t mean to say you have B.O. or anything and thank you for that photo of Heather Burns’ dad posing next to Bart Starr when Mr. Burns was a teenager and wanting Bart to autograph his Bucket Lemon-Lime Slushee cup when Bart kicked off the Milford Fall Chataqua Festival Parade, but when you and Coach Shaw go hunting, do you mark off spots so your wife can pick up the scent? I think you might want to watch out for female raccoons in heat when you traipse into the Milford Wildlife Reserve on your next outing.”

 

One early morning on Milford Transit Authority Mini-Bus #7757, Marty Moon is engaged in a heated debate

 

“Whattya mean, you had another handicapped passenger??????!!!!!!! WE’RE handicapped!!!!!!!!!”

“Yeah, but this was serious. If he loses his dentures, he can’t eat any solid food. Then he’ll shrivel up and die. We finally found them underneath the fire extinguisher. He was so happy that his Houston Colt .45’s won the Super Bowl, that he expectorated them while giving commentary on the winning TD.”

“Bud, there IS no more teams with that moniker, let alone win the Super Bowl!!!!!!!!!”

“Whatever. Anyway, we kept feeding him McD’s Breakfast Burritos until we got him to the Milford Rehab Center to regain his strength, after we re-inserted them, of course.”

“Does the Rehab Center keep Dentu-Creme on hand?????!!!!!!!! That might cement them into place!!!!!!!! AND CEMENT YOUR JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Never thought of it that way.”

Thanks to Dale Smith and Dustin Figg of Valley Station, Kentucky for the last idea. You guys get the shaft many times but your presence is never taken for granted with me. Despite your visual impairment, you keep America moving. Both of you have overcome  a lot to achieve the American Dream. I salute you both.

 

Again from “Tormato”

The tale of all this inanity

Will go down in infamy

Onward, plot’s got blight

Onward, a bad flight

Onward, with no fight

Onnnnnwwwward, out of sight

of my minnnnnnddddddd

 

What is this exchange with Kaz and Joe in P2 and P3????????? Joe looks like he’s in a job interview. Essentially, when you think about it, it pretty much is but even then job interviews, last time I checked, take about a 1/2 hour-1 hour if you’re applying at McDonald’s, Burger King, Chick-Fil-A, The Bucket (making sure you’re paying attention), KFC, etc. This one’s been 2 months running. What do we have to do a background check on NOW???? Joe’s punting average in Pop Warner League Football? To see if NFL scouts are still interested? Joe’s favorite yogurt flavor at The Bucket (Bucket Peach Pit Delight, BTW) ? Get him on the damn team and let’s get ready for the next game which by my calculations is TOMORROW.

“So when can you start?”

“How long will this plot last.?”

“Are you willing to work overtime?”

 

 

 

Kudos to Matthew Maloney of Fern Creek, Kentucky. You go to work at Kroger ready for action and thereby keep the customer well-stocked with the groceries the customer needs. You have been working there for years, rarely missing a day and ALWAYS being on time. Gang, I think he likes his job. We need more people like him because he makes America great. Next time you come to Fern Creek Kroger (just north of I-265) , say hello to Matthew and treat him with respect. He’s earned mine and I bet he’ll earn yours too.

 

At Milford Towne House Condominiums in the green area

“Okay, Keri, you’ve had your turn. Now let Jamie ride the zebra for awhile.”

 

Updated copy of “Home on the Range”

“Oh, give me a home/Where the buffalo roam

And they snore in Milford Penthouse tonight

Where seldom is heard/A gray buzzard’s word

Its owner got a writ in Milford Heights

 

Home, Home on the Range

That concept has lately gone strange

Where apes and baboons

Share a posh time-share room

And they Google New York Stock Exchange

 

 

“Johnny Olson, I’ll bet you have another member of the studio audience who would love to kick the night away with John Travolta, don’t you think so, people?”

WE BET HE DOES JOE HE HAD HIS CUE CARD IN HIS CRACK READY TO ROCK ‘N’ ROLL

“Well, they were right but I wiped before I crammed it in there but George Snerdley, COME ON DOWN you’re the next contestant about to learn Joe’s secrets.”

Snerdley comes on down, running over a Pinkerton on his smoke break plus a couple of octagenarians in their wheelchairs. His gut is one great big Jello-in-motion running down the Colosseum steps, eager to learn before the Super Bowl comes to Mudlark Stadium in 2023.

“Awwwwwright. So Joe, where you from?”

“Right here in Milford.”

“Awwwwwwwwwrrrrriggghtttt, I’ll bet he’ll be easy to teach how to kick one straight through the chute, these Mudlarks get it right the first time, whattya think, audience?”

WE THINK CAROL MERRILL WILL BE BUSY RETRIEVING BALLS OUT OF THE NET, JOE

“I thought so too, people. So George, tell us a little about yourself.”

“Well, I’m married, there’s my wife in the 27th row, the one with the “Gil on his Motorbike” tattoo on her left boob (YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY) , I have two children, both grown, one was not able to be here today, in fact, he’s in the cell block next door to Mr. Bader, but the other one’s an engineer for Dow Chemical right here in Milford. And I travel, I’m a salesman for Milford International Tire Company. We sell industrial tires to many companies in many companies. We do a heckuva lot of business overseas.”

“REALLY!!! Where are you going this week?”

“Oh, they’re setting up a coal mining operation in Lichtenstein. I’m supposed to be at the Grand Opening of Vaduz Black Beauty Mine #23 next week. A couplke of C-130’s and we’ll keep their coal trucks happy” proudly grabbing his crotch with glee.

Joe, shooting a 1/100,000 second dirty look at Camera #3 for the unplanned obtrusive Crotch Shot, continues

“Wellllll, people, he’s a busy man, isn’t he?”

SOUNDS LIKE HE PUMPS MONEY INTO THE GNP OF BOTSWANA AND SURINAM, JOE!!!!!!!!

“He sure does. All right, I noticed you brought your brother along.”

“This is Mel.”

“Mel, how long have you had that one tooth inb your mpouth?”

“Ever since I got in a brawl at the Milford Lounge 10 years ago. Told Jerry Pulver he was a selfish egotistical piece of slime who hogged the ball just to set a scoring record. The rest of the team should have just sat down and watched. He didn’t take a liking to it and the next thing you know, several people got arrested but I decked him pretty hard and got out of Milford Prison Camp after only two months on good behavior.”

“Ooooooooookkkkkk, hopefully, the same thing’ll never happen at The Bucket. So now, are you going to be George’s holder?”

“Sure am.”

Joe throws out a few phony chuckles that the audience can tell is fake since Joe was reading from the wrong cue card. The real cue card got mixed up with Johnny Olson”s Next Contestant index card

“Well, it was either that or Carol Merrill and somebody’s gotta go get ’em unless you wanna catch ’em with your tooth.”

GO FOR IT MEL

“Whoaaaaaaa, audience, he’ll puncture the balls and he might get headaches from all the banging around.”

TAKE A GOODY’S POWDER MEL

“WAIT A MINUTE, isn’t that Mel Tillis’ line on The Ralph Emery Show?”

WHOOPS GOOD POINT JOE

“Thank you, studio audience. Thought I was losing my mind” as the plastic laughter from the studio audience and the canned laughter are Synchronized Swimming in motion. Gold Medal if I ever saw one.

“ALL RIGHT George and Mel, ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL…”

 

If ya fail at kicking a pigskin after ya’ve tried 1,574,785 times and ya just say the Hell with it and ya go down to Milford Sportsman’s Club and use it as a clay pigeon, ya might be a redneck.

 

O.J. on the “Milford Community Comment” show

“Man, I fed that dude some Cheerios and next hting you know, he literally shoots through the roof.”

 

 

“Well, you almost made it. Sorry, Johnny Olson, we didn’t mean to spill your coffee on your P.A. system. Now, remember, George, look it all the way in…”

 

Marty, jamming to “On The Silent Wings Of Freedom” by Yes over the speakers on the Milford Transit Authority mini-bus, much to Gertrude DeWindt’s annoyance who is riding up front, nearly T-bones the Mudlar-K-Cola truck crawling out of the Milford Lounge. Gertrude smashes her head into the plastic guard that partitions her from Marty. Plastic shards are everywhere.

“Don’t let bus drivers who let Classic Rock distract them from that Union Pacific barreling down the track. Call The Shark today and get the money you deserve.”

“Marty got his license revoked for two months and I received just compensation for my loss. They even replaced the Rent-a-Boyfriend model and even paid for his funeral expenses. Now, I not only have this in my possession (displaying $546,263,689, x 10^5 check) , but my new boyfriend I got free from Milford Rent-All is even sexier. He could give a few pointers at the Milford Men’s Clinic Symposium. Mudlark Lake Resort here we come, the El Dorado of sex retreats.”

Heard in background, a split-second after testimonial

“Nice job, Mrs. DeWindt. You read the teleprompter perfect.”

“If you’ve been in an accident with a Roadway or an antelope, call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. One call, that’s all.”

Thanks to Mary Simpson of Jeffersontown, Kentucky who helped me with the comedy idea above. Your Christian faith inspires me and I enjoyed talking to you the other day. Your ideas prove how intelligent you are and I like your getting about and about. You’ve made a difference in people’s lives. I will be praying for you because you’ve made a difference in mine. God bless you.

 

Ooooooooookkkkkkk, you finally got it through the uprights. But I’m not going to make this an easy exit. I’ll give you a Peyton Manning autographed Denver Broncos jersey, Luke Bunkin’s jock strap he wore in the Playdown Final where he made the game-saving tackle, a gold-plated Mudlark-Heather Burns-Signature helmet and mouthpiece that Carol Merrill is now wearing AND $5000 to call off the deal.”

NO!!! NO!!!! DON’T DO IT!!!!!!!!

DO IT!!!!!! LUKE’S SWEAT IS SEXY!!!!!!!!

PEYTON RULES!!!!!!!!!!

HEATHER RULES!!!!!!!!!

PEYTON SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

HEATHER SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LIKE THE WAY CAROL MERRILL MOVES THAT MOUTHPIECE BACK AND FORTH

Last outburst contributed by  Mel Snerdley, amazing what a man can exclaim with one tooth

TAKE THE MONEY!!!!!!!!!!

DOOR #3!!!!!!!!!! DOOR #3!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Vote now in the next 30 minutes and you’ll get Joe’s punting cleats, shoestrings included, all for 29.99. Oh, did we forget to mention that Joe is throwing in the Official 2018 NFL Rule Book ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!!!!!!! But you gotta call within the next few minutes to take of advantage of this ridiculously generous offer that Joe had to send a person in concrete shoes down Mudlark Lake to get approved. Operators are standing by.

Don’t wait. CALL NOW!!!!!”

 

Gang, have at it. I’ll leave you with Yes’s “Rejoice” off of “Tormato.” I humbly hope you’ll agree that this sum things up at this juncture

 

Sitting in a stupid God-knows-where

Hashing out the verbiage, talking like true idiots

Kaz is mired in a patchy fog, I swear

Football plot is killing us, Bolek is a minion

 

And we’re not even Close To The Edge

 

Hey Guys

Bye Bye

Till tomorrow

 

See ya

Be the

Lack of sorrow

 

Killing us with silly politics and lunacy

Challenging our intelligence

My o My

It’s no wonder why they can’t win a game or two

There’s no course for competence

Wiping out our innocence

 

Reject

All the things we’ve seen

Gil should abandon ship

It goes ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round

Until it lifts its bow again

 

Reject

Ditch this plot right now

Cut its throat, and how

It goes ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round and…

 

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October 10, 2018

Kaz Has More Balls Than Joe…

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… and that’s all I have to say about that.

Seriously, what kind of bullshit rationale is that for joining the team?  What can Kaz and Gil expect out of this kid Joe?  With such a short attention span, who’s to say Bolek won’t wander off just when the Mudlarks need him to punt a ball away? He can’t even be bothered to stick around to see the end of the game. (Here’s where I break the fourth wall for a moment to ask TWIM‘s unofficial SID billytheskink how many times we’ve been shown a Milford football game without knowing who won.)

I could be bothered to supply a rationale for Joe – for example, he’d seen enough of Milford’s bad, non-Sam Finn punting to know that the team needed him – but why should I come up with an excuse for him? He’s gonna need enough excuses for himself when his teammates stuff him in a locker for not coming out and busting his hump in practice from the beginning of the season.

October 3, 2018

I came here to snark on bad coaching, not to become a cineaste!

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Kaz and Joe stood there and looked at each other in silence for five minutes?  That settles it: Kaz is not salaried faculty or staff but hourly contingent labor. In any universe even remotely based in reality a coach might have given a student 5 seconds – okay, 10 seconds if we’re being generous – to answer before telling them to get out of their office the hallway and go to their next period class, or catch a school bus, or whatever.

As with The Legend of Bagger Vance, I’m not going to rehash the plot of Rififi here. The Wikipedia entry for the film states that “[a]fter he was blacklisted from Hollywood, [Director Jules] Dassin found work in France where he was asked to direct Rififi. Despite his distaste for parts of the original novel, Dassin agreed to direct the film. He shot Rififi while working with a low budget, without a star cast, and with the production staff working for low wages.” Low budget? No stars? Staff working for low wages? We could be talking about the Mudlark football team and its coaching staff.

I’d be okay with the next 28 panels of this strip having no dialogue and just action. You?

 

metapost: Do any of you loyal readers read TWIM on a smartphone?  I compose it on a Dell laptop with AdBlock Plus installed, but usually read comments during the day on an Android phone. Often when I do, I get spammy popup ads telling “Dear Andriod User” that I have won something or other and which I cannot close or navigate away from without closing my browser.  If anyone else is having those problems, please comment (I mean, in addition to any snark) so we can get to the bottom of this. Thanks.

October 2, 2018

Where’s Punter B.?

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I’d like to tell you

Love to tell you

That we’ve got one in the bag

 

But cannot tell you

May not tell you

That Kaz tried but caught a dirty rag

 

And so this storyline drags and drags

Our hopes are dashed and flags and flags

I grab a spitoon and gag and gag

 

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Would be nice if he’d kick before basketball

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Maybe Kaz gets lucky ‘fore end of Fall

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Margin for error now runs rather small

 

(Ben Folds booming on piano)

Here, Boy,  Hey, Punter

HEY PUNTER, WHERE YOU BEEN?

 

Are we EVER going to talk football or is P3 a tribute to Siskel and Ebert?

“Coach Kaz gives ‘Invasion of Milford on The Planet of the Apes’ a thumbs up while Joe Bolek gives it a thumbs down.”

“I thought Roddy McDowall’s return as Caesar was unconvincing.His conversations with Gil a bit far-fetched.”

“Yes, but Joe, you have to explore the depths of the tete-a-tete that is transpiring. Nobody is saying, certainly I’m not, that an ape talking to a man is an everyday occurrence. But the camaraderie that develops, especially when Coach Thorp treats all the apes to a Bucket Brat ‘n’ Sauerkraut Combo, including a Mudlar-K-Cola of your choice, convinced me that this movie is worth the time, climaxing in Aldo becoming the special teams coach which is pivotal as the Mudlarks sail one through the uprights thanks to a key adjustment by Aldo (“Don’t use your heel to kick, horses do that!!!!!!!!!”) which helps Milford go on to win the game and ease the transition into basketball.”

“I don’t know, Coach Kaz, watching Caesar’s son try to stuff a mouth guard in his embouchure, not to mention how to maneuver the cup properly to protect the family jewels and create more apes to invade Milford left me wanting something more. Much more.”

 

If ya is got yore camouflage all over yore face, shoulders, thorax, abdoman, arms, elbows, wrists, fingers, fingernails, toenails (cuz yore wife took the nail polish when she left to go back to her mother the last time) , thighs, shins, hamstrings, feet, ankles, insteps, and, last but certainly not least, yore gluteus maximus, cuz ya is ready with yore high-powered shotgun that could shoot the ears off an elephant and carry it from the Milford Fish & Wildlife Area to Africa in record time to find a punter ta nail down, ya might be a redneck.

 

And Gene Rayburn is chompin’ at the bit to aid and abet in the cause to crucify Gil on Match Game 2018. Go to it, Gene.

Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW   DUMB   WAS  SHE???????) , she thought a punter used his ________________ to kick a field goal.

 

Things are getting pretty serious in Mudlarkland when the Topic of the Day, in this case the need for a punter to keep the strip from facing extinction, its status “Critical” at this point, when Kaz and Gil are in an intimate conversation over Maxwell House and fingers. Guessin’ Milford Donut Solutions was catering at the Fraternal Order of Police Convention at the Milford Expo Center.

And, gang, okay, shoot me (aaaaaaa, better not, I’m a coward) but I’m dippin’ into the good ol’ days when Berrill, sure Gil looked like the third member of the Everly Brothers but liked coaching more than singing (and wasn’t about to stack up against Elvis), at least created Gil with a sense of surefootedness as a result. Berrill made him a beacon in the storm.

NOW he looks like a young Marcus Welby just about to finish up his residency. Heck, his apparel is LOUDLY sending that message. He looks like Eddie Haskell going to Indiana University Medical School. “Nah, Beaver, you dope, don’t grip the forceps on his wiener so TIGHT!!!” Unclear whether he is going to talk about punters or navel hernia surgical procedures. Insert them in your article for the Milford Medical Journal, Dr. Welby, er, Gil, nobody’ll notice. Nobody’s reading about either one at this juncture anyway.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Ben Folds Denies Rumors Alice Childress Interested In Punting Job!!!!”

sub headline

“She just kicked someone in the nuts one time when a jerk tried to come on too strong and grab her upper body. That doesn’t make her a punter!!!!!!!”

 

Shout-out to Daisy’s in New Albany, Indiana. Great food, great service (always quick to pick up your plate when finished) , plus a dinner buffet and a salad buffet and an ice cream fountain (self serve!!!!) AND a drink of your choice for way less than $20, I’d say I’m gettin’ a good deal. Factor in all the good meals from meat loaf to fish to chicken and LOTS of sides at reasonable prices, man, you gotta come on down if you’re in the area.

Gang, you need a place where everybody knows your name, Support small business. They make America great.

 

Interlude

Maybe they will talk about the movie “Bambi”

or something along the lines of “Tora! Tora! Tora!”

 

Sorry, Ben, mighta added an extra syllable on that interlude. Don’t hold it against me, LOVE your music, Big Guy, always have.

 

Tried to warn you

Tried to tell you

That Coach Kaz was out of luck

 

Now they’re talking

And still stalking

For any one who gives a F—

 

They’re plowing this one dead in the mud

They still can’t grasp this one’s a dud

They may as well choose Elmer Fudd

 

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Gil and Kaz really should check in the files

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Eons with Sanka, might be a while

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Swift solution, that’s not their style

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Last punter missed by a mile

(Ben Folds REALLY booms the pointlessness of this plot, had to throw in an extra $100 just to get him to perform this at this decibel, or at all)

Yo Elmer, Hey, Punter

HEY PUNTER WHERE YOU BEEN?

 

Oh, Leatherdick, you’ve had a hard day at the office. It’s time to have another hard time, this one in bed.”

“That’s LEATHERSTOCKING, Honeye. Just cuz I have been out 2200 miles don’t mean it was all that bad. The Ponye Express ridere gave me a lift along the waye, from KC to Columbus, Ohio.”

“Leatherdick, isn’t that the OTHER waye? I thought they went out weste.”

Understanding what Pepperminte Pattye goes through when Marcie calls PP “Sir”

“The name’s ‘Leatherstocking’!!!!!!!! And the Ponye Express expanded a few routes and a couple of decades.”

“Oh, Leatherdick, the important thing is you are home. Why don’t we make ourselves comfy by the old oaken couch in the living room and cuddle up to a nice warm fire?”

“Ay, forsooth, I still must fix the plumbing in the bathroom. The toilete’s stopped up again.”

“Dear, we have an outhouse.”

Not missing a beat as why Leatherstocking was popularized by Fenimore Cooper

“Yes, but crickets and roaches run rampant around the toilete and it’s hard to flush with all that vermin. And it’s too late in the night to buy any Sani-Flushe at the Milfordshire General Store.”

“It’s also the dead of winter. Not too many mole cricket’s running around the toilet paper dispenser.”

Leatherstocking forgot to bring his Benjamin Rush’s Field Guide to Nature, having left it on the bar stoole at the Milfordshire Lounge so he is at a loss to name any more critters

“C’mon, let’s play some funkye music, White Boye. I’ve already thrown a couple of logs  in to keep the fire going. Now all’s I need is ANOTHER log to light a fire and THIS ONE doesn’t come from a sugar maple tree.”

“Did you cut down the pin oak tree by the horse stable? I know it could crush our log cabin in 2 seconds, Cayuga Standard Time, but it’s stood the test of time for 500 years, since right before The Plague.”

“Noooooo, this log is not made of wood even though it’s in dire need of warming up before it dies in the snow and becomes humus.”

Well, Honey, I don’t know  of too many logs not made out of wood unless Fenimore owns a Plex-Glass nurserye near the Iroquois village. But that won’t arrive until the DuPonts found the State of Delaware.”

Smacks foreheade

“There’s the petrified forest!!!”

“Well, um, yeah, I’d like to get stoned, especially by the fireplace. Wouldn’t that just be SEXY???”

“Darlin’, ain’t no way I’m goin’ down to Arizona and pick a coupla stones to satisfy your horniness. The Milford Adulte Shoppe will open 8:00 sharp in the morning. Arizona ain’t until 1912 and the Navajos told me the other day when I was in Houston on an Outdoor Seminar at the Astrodome that they were using all stones of any kind to construct Route 66.”

She loses patience and cuts to the chase

“Dear, I want to have sexe with you by the fireplace. I’ll even go out with you in the outhouse if it’ll  just get me that romantic moment.”

“Well, why didn’t you say so? I think a FedEx landau can get some aphrodisiac cheap in New Brunswick and get it absolutely, positively by noon tomorrow. Is it too late to call?”

 

“Even tough guys who befriend the Indians and live the rugged life to the point where they char-broil raccoons need to ‘fess up to their problems. Mine was harder than a rock but when I took my Conestoga wagon down to Milfordshire Men’s Clinicke, I got the answers I needed to restore my intimacy with my wife. Now we Rocke and Rolle so much, she never notices the praying mantises chewing on her butte when we get it on in the outhouse. And sexe by the fireplace ain’t bad either and there’s no cobwebs in the blankets like there is in the corners of the outhouse. Man, that’s some good screwin’. Oops, Better watch it, the Quaker Society is listening and is one of our sponsors. Anyway, check ’em today and let ‘er rip. What have you got to lose but your virginity and your scalp?”

 

Gang, it’s your turn. Get you some freshly-brewed Maxwell House Decaf Special Blend Colombian Roasted Freshly Produced From The Slaves Of Some Third World Country That’ll Induce Dylan And Baez To Stage A Concert To Promote Awareness Of Aforementioned Problem. Me, I like Hills Brothers but will grab what I can. Jump into the Masterpiece Theater and put your 2 bits worth with Gil and Kaz on the Punter Question.

 

“Ohhhhhhh, Marty, you are just having your way with me!!! I’ve never had it like this before!!!!”

“Peaches, I’m still DRIVING!!!!!!! You’re on Bus #7757, the Teddy Roosevelt Model, a real rough-riding son of a bitch!!!!!”

“Does that mean you forgot to go to the Clinic this week after I sent you on a honeydew to get some milk?”

Thanks to Jack McDonald of Clarksville, Indiana, for his contribution to the last story. He gets a shout-out because at 90, he still gets out and lives, making him look much younger. He was also a race car driver and a damn good one in his day, with SEVERAL trophies to up his game. I salute you, Jack.

 

I can’t stand this

Hardly bear this

Seeking signs for better days

 

Sink my head low

For this sideshow

Can’t Kaz grasp there’s other ways

 

Now cram this farce into a crate

Get with the program, don’t be late

And ship this crap on a yacht to Kuwait

 

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

How much more must we endure

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Not sailing from A to Z, fer sure

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

I’ve learned more form museum tours

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

The fruit needs more time to mature.

 

Where’s the want ads

Hey Punter

HEY PUNTER WHERE THE HELL YOU BEEN

 

As Ben Folds leaves Gil and Kaz in the (I assume) office…but at least the last line and the song in general was a catharsis.

 

MUDLARK HAS KILLED MUDLARK, MUDLARK HAS KILLED MUDLARK…

Oops, that was in “Battle for Milford on The Planet of the Apes”. My bad.

October 1, 2018

What Milford Needs

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 7:09 am

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First of all, Milford Needs a Punter. Does it though? We’ve already been over this, but Milford has a punter. The coaching staff feels his value as a long snapper outweighs his value as a punter. There is a logic problem in here, but logic is clearly not the strong suit of the Milford coaching staff. But neither is coaching as this whole affair illustrates.

Next, Joe Bolek Used To Be One. Really? When and at what level? He’s been introduced to us as a film nerd obsessed with movies who is presumably not interested in sports. I contend that any random member of the current Milford team, who is already committed to practicing and playing football, could be coached into being an adequate punter and outperform some kid who hasn’t shown any interest in athletics. Again, this illustrates the utter laziness of the Milford coaching staff, who would rather look for a miracle than put an ounce of effort into developing the talents of bona fide student athletes.

Milford coaches are lazy. Shocking, isn’t it?

So, what about this Bagger Vance nonsense? Are we going to keep talking about Bagger Vance? Bagger Vance is a movie that nobody ever needs to talk about again. Nobody has talked about for a long time with the exception of Gil Thorp. Maybe it comes up as a reference to lazy film making. Actually, making a film is very hard and lazy people probably need not apply to that endeavor. Let’s say it’s lazy writing, playing on tired (and problematic) tropes. That’s what I hear anyway. I haven’t seen The Legend of Bagger Vance, and I’m not going to. Also I’m not going to type Bagger Vance again, because I’ve done so so much that he might just appear and try and redeem me. Having done this comics blogging so long, maybe I need redemption but I don’t think I’ll get it from…that guy.

September 29, 2018

If Joe Is Rannulph, Then Who Is Bagger?

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Well, that’s not the movie I expected Joe Bolek to be talking about.

I honestly struggled with this post for a couple of hours, as Rubin’s analogy – or, rather, my interpretation of Rubin’s analogy – has made me a little uncomfortable.  Without rehashing the entire plot of The Legend of Bagger Vance (or The Mahabharata) here, suffice it to say that the film was roundly criticized for its reliance on the stereotype of The Magical Negro.  If Joe sees himself in the Rannulph Junuh/Arjuna role, who does he see as his Bagger Vance?

Andre Ruffin, who told him that the Mudlarks need a punter? Andre’s the only identifiably black player we’ve seen in the arc thus far, but his role has been more a conduit of information rather than a guy who makes things happen or a stern member of the judiciary.  Kaz, who’s trying to convince him to come punt for them?  Since Joe calls Kaz “Mr. K” and not “Coach K,” I don’t think Joe can go for Kaz being his mentor. Besides, Joe’s already been clued in about the Mudlarks’ punting woes and has probably concluded that no one on the Milford coaching staff can properly coach a punter.

Maybe, then, it’s Joe who sees himself as Bagger Vance: a godlike sage who will teach some hapless Mudlark the fine art of punting, asking for nothing in return but the opportunity to analyze game film. Next thing you know, we’ll see him down by Rosemary and Cameron, handing out The Bhagavad Gita.

September 27, 2018

In Search Of The Lost Punter

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Timothy Leary’s dead

We need a punnnnn-terrrrr

For the team

 

We’re flat broke and busted

Our name’s dragged in the mud

We need a talented tooeeeee

Timothy Leary

 

Sorry, gang, sue me. I’m feelin’ cocky after the Moody Blues FINALLY got inducted into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame and the Murder, She Wrote questioning that Coach Kaz is implementing with Son of Mr. T. (“YA NEED RAY GUY, FOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!) was the spark that got the fire lit. Talk about being On The Threshold of a Dream.

And what high school coach IN ANY SPORT goes to the school cafeteria and skips from student to student to track down a talented player, especially at a skill position? You ever heard of TRYOUTS, Gil and Kaz? That’s what you do BEFORE the season gets underway, not 1 or 2 games into the swing of things. (Perhaps you might have been better off skipping Frick and Frack and their golf game and let them slug it out with They’re Actually Bullies?)  They DO gotta turn in a physical, more than likely in this case PAST DUE, even if you succeed in turning up that special someone who can fill the void. I’m assuming Kaz is not going to ask the cafeteria lady stocking the Twinkies and Ho Ho’s in the slots at the cafeteria line if she can sail one at least 30 yards. She’s too late and too old. Not that would stop hi,m, you understand.

“Jughead, you know of any good punters?”

Munching on his 276,843rd hamburger

“Hmmmmmmmm, you might wanna try Moose. I heard his kicking distance matches his IQ.”

Reggie Mantle chimes in

“How ’bout Mr. Weatherbee?”

Archie Andrews weighs in

“Reggie, you know the ‘Bee pulled a hamstring. He did it last month in the Riverdale Croquet Tournament.”

 

THE CASE OF THE TRAIL OF THE PURPORTED PUNTER

The new Hardy Boys Mystery now available at Milford Book & Music Exchange!!!!!!!!!!,

Gang, you ougtha see the cover. Coach Kaz, the Hardy Boys, Encylopedia Brown, Sally Kimball, Bugs Meany and his gang are on some country road somehere at night with their flashlights and magnifying glasses, searching for clues.

“Look!!!!! Over there in that cornfield!!!!!!!!! There’s somebody’s foot!!!!!! Some crow is picking at it!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

“And WHO SHOT COACH SHAW?”

“FOOL. ANYBODY KNOWS THE ANSWER TO THAT. IT WAS PROFESSOR PLUM WITH THE KNIFE IN THE CONSERVATORY”

“The Milford Enquirer said the library.”

“SHOWS YOU HOW MUCH THEY KNOW. THEY SHUT IT DOWN FOR A WEEK CUZ THERE WAS A GAS LEAK IN THE CHILDREN’S NON-FICTION SECTION, FOOL”

 

I fell into a burnin’ ring of fire

Which reminds me, this is burning and burning and burning ad nauseum. Of course, how stupid of me. Joe Skilled Athelete was a World-Class Explorer, having discovered Mount Everest, the Alps, Pike’s Peak, Mt. McKinley, Mt. Fuji, and the highest point in Delaware. Boy, I’ll bet he aces your final in World Geography, Coach. Anyhoo, he’s climbing Kilimanjaro right now but I can get a Bantu to meet him at the base of the mountain in 3 days. His cell phone should be in functional order by then.

 

We need a man, the best around

He’ll kick it high right off the ground

His Field Goal range so very sound

A bonus at this point

Timothy Leary

 

If ya agree ta punt for the high school football team only if the coaches elect unanimously ta pay for yore bow tag this fall, ya might be a redneck.

 

Gang, doncha just love that Chinese girl in P1 with that Funky Winkerbean nose? She’s as happy as Coach Kaz winning the lottery and/or finding a kicker under a Welcome mat. Then, in P3, if that supposed Exit sign doesn’t qualify for the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects, nothing will. Some teacher evidently pasted a student’s lost notebook and no doubt had to have been the most obvious place to find it. Sure, but there is a Lost & Found Department somewhere in the building, we hope anyway.

 

On p.7 of the Milford Enquirer

“The Milford Mudlark Football Team is seeking a qualified applicant to fill in as a kicker. The Mudlarks offer competitive wages, Major Medical Insurance, dental insurance, vision benefits through Milford Eye World, profit sharing, 401(k) with 10% company match, 2 weeks paid vacation after only 1 year, wage increases after 90 days and 180 days thereafter, liberal attendance policy, FMLA benefits, and 7 paid holidays. If this sounds exciting, send resume to

Milford High School

PO Box 6517

Milford, USA

Or email at http://www.milfordandgilaredesperate.com”

 

Timothy Leary’s dead

Lost in the lunchroom

Without luck

 

Coach Kaz is on his knees

Asking all, oh, pretty please

Let’s end this misery

Timothy Leary

 

If James Fenimore Cooper took over the reins at Thorpiverse (James, you have the combination to wordpress?)

It is Winter in the 1.23 trillion acres of elms, poplars, maples, oaks, hackberrys, ponderosa pines, black locusts, (the pods are buried deep within the snow, the few surviving being munched on by Bugs Bunny, a quick snacke before Elmer Fudde arrives on cue) , and chestnuts.

Bumppo “Leatherstocking” Shaw is out in the middle of nowhere, oblivious to the camera perched on the walnut tree, “Milfordshire Outdoor Magazine” doing a live show. Coache Gamaliel Wendell Thorp and his entourage are on the hunt themselves. His entourage consists of Baron Steuben von Kaz, Viscount Tiki of Glastonbury, Earl Jaquan of Stanhope, and some flunkies (or the football team, same difference) .

Roadkill is discovered in the middle of the path. It is fresh roadkill. Coache Thorp is compelled to restrain the contraption (‘slam on the brakes”) and swerve his sleigh to the emergency lane of the trail to avert a 10-sleigh pile-up. He turns on his flashers, the flunkies set out triangles 10. 50, and 200 feet apart so  magnanimous vehicles (‘semi’s”) can alertly pursue other channels (“get in the passing lane”) .

“Coache Thorp, greetings and salutations!!!!!!!!!!”

“Leatherstocking!!!!!!!!!!!” Always a pleasure!!!!!!!!!!! And it looks like you outclassed me (“beat me to the punche”) againe.”

“Naw, Coache, this 10-point piece of virile venison (“buck”) has got BB bullets in its carotid; I didn’t kill it with this bow and arrow I obtained in goode faithe (“on loan in exchange for some cheap tobacco”) from the Cayugas. you got first dibs on the eatin’.”

As Gamaliel blows the smoke off his BB gunne in triumph

“I am honored by your honesty, my goode manne. Goodness knows, the village of milfordshire could use more gentrys such as in your person (“you”) .”

Baron Steuben von Kaz surveys the landscape, which in roughly 2 centuries will become Max Yasgur’s farm and subsequently a mudbowl named Woodstock, the rest of the 1.23 trillion acres comprising New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, and a couple of counties in Vermont and finally states

“Coache, I don’t see how you manage to align your apercu with the quarry (“smoke ’em down”). Your eye is keener than an eagle’s arse (“retina”, close enough) .”

“I thank you, Baron Steuben von Kaz. It takes years of repititive solicitation (“practice”) which I did in my posterior portion of my property (“backyard”) . I shot severale rounds into The Wilderness and found matters to be quite commodious (“shitload of acreage”) . Hardly a chance (“no bat chance in Hell”) of intersecting a Noble Savage or Red Man or passing ‘Go’ or collecting $200 since the Confederations are on the other end pf the 1.23 trillion acres, give or take a hectare, near the reste area, you know, the one with salubrious accomodations (“clean restrooms”) .”

“My Lord, Coache (“same difference”) , it is noble of you to be of great concern for the noble savages, even Tecumseh, bilious (“mad as Hell and not gonna take anymore”) and choleric as he is reputed to be, spoke highly of your character (“reputation”, closest translation) ,” Viscount Tiki chimes in, “He says you always are circumspect with the flora (“watch the daisies”) and take only as many elephantes (“elephants”) as you’ll eat on your cutlery (“dishes and silverware bought at Target”) .”

Leatherstocking, weary of the Nathaniel Hawthorne exchange

“Gentlemen, it is well to trade courtesies (“shoot the shit”) but I personally am freezin’ my asse off (“self-explanatory”). And the Erie Nation is a bit sore after I almost hit a child when I was shootin’ a bighorn sheep. Think we best be parlaying our efforts (“headin’ back”) to town before the rooster obtains hot flashes for the hen (“sundown”) . The Injuns could be poppin’ out anytime.”

Coache Thorp is in mental disarray (“confused”).

“Leatherstocking, aren’t you getting a century ahead of yourself? I believe Philip Sheridan will utter that particular bon mot (“wind up in an almanac with said expression”) in a Doris Kearns Goodwin Bestseller on Red Cloud.”

“Coache, if you believe I am traversing the unexpected (“going Back to the Future”) , so be it  but I’m in no moode to confront the Injuns. Some’ll attack. Some’ll demand 10% of the fresh triumphal return (“kill”) . By Hades (“Hell”), I’ll give ’em the ovoid particles (“testicles”) and gristle and settle up thereafter, otherwise, I’m in no moode to negotiate.”

“We can always augment things with a renal structure (“throw in a kidney”) if it’ll preclude inflammatory measures (‘being burned at the stake”) by the Mohawks, Leatherstocking. And perhaps bargain for a couple of blankets in return. My carpete in the 3rd floore hallwaye is getting worn from 10 centuries of usage (“use”) . It is my understanding (“there were rumors”) that Boethius used it as a summer house.”

“Coache, I’m not budging beyond its balls, that’s the difference between you and me, I’ll pluck arrows first, ask questions latere. I’m like Harold Southwick Callahan, perform your majestic undertaking, Savages (“go ahead, make my day”) . And do you see McFly’s racer anywhere in these woods?”

Leatherstocking has him there. Baron Steuben von Kaz sneaks a peak into a sugar maple and observes no fluxe capacitator.

“Very well. Gentlemen, load the provisions of coffee, Earl Grey tea, chickens, buffalo meat, fruits, vegetables, Oreos, and Chips Ahoye onto the sleigh, Baron Steuben von Kaz, see that the rifles, ammuntion, gunpowder, cannons, tasers, pistols, and explosive tinderboxes (“grenades”) are stored in the brougham, boys (“flunkies”), put the kille in the vomitory (“trunk”) of Tiki’s jalopye, careful not to puncture the rubber device (“spare tire”) with one of its antlers, you boy (soon to be John Hay, one of Lincoln’s secretaries) , load the legal documents, hunting licenses, telescopes, surveye equipment, books, journals, New York Times, including the crossworde onto the troika”

“Coach”, Earl Jaquon of Stanhope points out, “aren’t troikas Russian? Won’t  they be utilized in the Napoleonic Wars? I construed (“heard”) that McFly’s vehicle will be the linchpin  that turns away Buonaparte at Leningrad (“St. Petersburg”) .”

“This is my medicine show presentation (“History Channel”), Earl Jaquon of Stanhope, and Injuns, er, Red Men could be coming anytime. Now lead the troops (points to several flukies, one who will be William Herndon, Lincoln’s law partner) and ride on the lead chariot to scout for any trouble.

The engines are started, the chariots perform a couple of wheelies and depart from said premises (“head out of Dodge”) .

“We’ll have plenty of venison to feed the 3,458 populace (“people”) of Milfordshire at the ball tonight.”

Leatherstocking shouts at Gamaliel

“I thought there were 3,459.”

“No, Leatherstocking, Mortimus Moon was ambushed on his way to the Publicke Forum (“broadcast booth”) by the Mohawks. They sent smoke signals that they didn’t appreciate what he said about their play-calling.”

“Were there inflammatory measures (“was he burned at the stake) ?”

“Worse. They cut him up and sent the entrails back to the village in a leatherstocking, Leatherstocking.”

“Well, it appears he forged his appendage into oblivion (“stuck his foot in his mouth”) permanently. They just confirmed what we already knew.”

The snow is picking up the pace.

“Be that as it may (“no skin off my nose, he’s an asshole, anyway, has been for 60 years”), we have to observe celluloid material (“watch game film”) before the ball.”

“Coache, as longe as I can stick my bowe and arrowe by the filme projectore,  I’m all right with your methodes (“good to go”) .”

“Very well, Leatherstocking. We can still break down the Iroquois Nation defense as long as your bowe and arrowe doesn’t ruin the projectore. Baron Steuben von Kaz, did you remember light bulbes?”

“Light bulbes aren’t until the Golden Era of Sluts (“Gilded Age”) . Edison is just a gleame in his great-great-great-grandfather’s eyes.”

 

Gang, comment away. AND BE QUICK ABOUT IT FOOL

 

I’m sick of things so upside down

A silly smile become a frown

I’d rather read of Charlie Brown

it’s best to just leave town

 

Timothy Leary

September 26, 2018

Save Filion

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Today’s missing panel 4:

Kaz (chasing Andre Ruffin down the hall because, unlike Gil, he doesn’t have the power to pull kids out of class): Who’s this punter Mike Filion told me you know about?

Andre Ruffin: Um, he’s sick. My best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw him pass out at Schultz’s Polynesian Garden last night. I guess it’s pretty serious.

Who is this imposter claiming to be Mike Filion, anyway? Whigham needs to find a model for Filion and stick with it.  No matter how he looks, Filion has smarts enough to throw Kaz off his scent.  He saw that shitshow unfold in Oakwood and wants no part of it. Maybe he’s no unicorn in football cleats but he knows that one roughing the kicker call (and I wouldn’t put it past Valley Tech to try it) and Milford’s out a starting QB.

Anyone wanna bet that the kid who used to be pretty good at punting is movie buff Joe Bolek? Yeah, didn’t think so.

 

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