This Week in Milford

September 5, 2018

In the Opener, I’ll Take the Mudlarks and 8 1/2

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Man, the last thing I want to read in Gil Thorp is Kaz talking about Kelly’s sexual proclivities.  Oh, wait, he said Fellini. Never mind.

Does an awkward fist bump qualify as a “High Five Fail”?  Today, I’m calling that it does.

Quick cut to the practice field and there’s Marjie with her canister of pepper spray. Mouseketeer Roll Call will begin tomorrow and Joe Bolek will get namechecked along with a few other of Rubin’s friends.  Something tells me Bolek will flop as a ballplayer, or suffer a season-ending injury, and replace Kaz as the “film guru” on the Mudlark coaching staff.  Then he can tell Gil what kind of wacky leather-helmet era formation he can spring on the Valley Conference to make up for the usual fundamental shortcomings that plague the Milford football program.

Hold up: is that Marty standing next to Gil and Marjie?  Looks like he’s still taking hits from that tall can of STFU Gil gave him at the end of basketball season.  Let’s see how long that lasts.

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September 4, 2018

Watching Milford Football From TV Land

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Coach Shaw, Gil Thorp, hideous scar faces — tdrewhardin @ 4:51 pm

 

 

 

 

Sent forth on a quest from TV Land

Bringing truth and justice to the landdddddddd

It’s Milkmannnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Milkman valiantly comes through the back door, past his arch-nemesis, the Coke machine

Gil sitting dejectedly in front of a pile of Miller Lite cans at the MCC

“Why the long face, Coach Thorp?”

“Oh, the golf plot’s over and I never got to see who won. I was so busy promoting it and giving tons of advice, then I got carried away with my drinking. And now, I’ll never get to enjoy the fruits of my labor.”

“Well, Coach, even though the plot stunk out a rhino’s butt and you needed heavy duty Pampers on that bad boy to stanch the stink, take comfort that the plot was as predictable as the sun rising in the east and that those losers who cheated and couldn’t golf moron status on the IQ meter got what’s coming to them. They had to call a rollback tow truck to haul off the trophy for our heroes.”

“Good deal!!!!!!!!!!!! Wilson and Tony deserve it. What happened to those cheats?”

“They were guillotined in the Milford Public Square at the crack of dawn this morning as part of a purge to eliminate bad boys who push bad plots WAY past the breaking point. “Only ‘Hi, Honey, I’m Home!!!!’ pushed the envelope any further but they were out of Milford’s jurisdiction and the courts could do nothing. I gave them a bottle of skim milk, they smoked their last Winstons, then the priests read their Last Rites. They left the earth in style.”

“What about Mimi? I forgot all about her.”

“Well,  she almost ran off with Gilligan but the Skipper hauled him back due to mutiny and so you get a reprieve. I say a cold bottle of milk on the house plus another quick snort from the Milford Men’s Clinic oughta do the trick.”

“Gee, thanks, Milkman.”

Too late, Milkman is off to help Moose with his batting average.

“That might take a whole case of 2%, Moose.”

 

Oh, and there’s Coach Shaw, fresh from his tour at the Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club. Does he ever COACH? I’m sure part of the job description is watching game film but you DO play football on the field. Why do I get the feeling that when Milford is playing Oakwood in a driving rain that Coach Shaw is on the computer playing  Electronic Arts XB1 Madden NFL 19.

“Who won?”

“The Raiders.”

“I mean between the Mudlarks and New Thayer!!!!!!!”

 

Really, I am scratching my noggin attempting the impossible, i.e., remembering when Coach Shaw taught a Mudlark how to block, how to tackle, the proper technique for putting on your jock strap, how to steady the tee so the football won’t fall off on the kickoff, how to do the Ickey Shuffle, the Sack Dance, The Fun Bunch Celebration, REALLY, WHAT IS COACH SHAW’S ROLE ON THE TEAM? What did Gil tell him in the interview process?

“Okay, Game Boy, we’ll start you off watching hours and hours of videotape, then we’ll progress up to a cup of Sanka after 18 hours, then we’ll bring you on the field after Tod Andrews leaves. After 40 years, you’ll know the playbook like the Gettysburg Address.”

 

“Gilligan, this plot is promulgating obfuscated shards of ambiguous and equivocal minutiae.”

“Yeah, Professor, and it’s pretty confusing too.”

 

“Don’t tell me how to do my job!!!!!!! I may not have liked getting suspended but I’m getting the hang of this bus thing. It’s like riding a bicycle.”

“But, Mr. Moon, you’re at the Milford Greyhound station.

Ashley Bishop, that one’s for you, My Friend. Keep tutoring the students to greater heights. Your ideas gave me a great deal of inspiration and keeps my blog a-goin’ Who knows, one of your students could take my place. Keep up the great work.

 

And then there’s the 3 blind mice in P1 which I’m presuming(tread lightly, T. Drew) is the warmup for the football plot. Now why aren’t they watching Nick at Nite like their next-door neighbors in P2? Hey, the family that promotes boring football plots together watch the same programs together. You’re not gonna pull one on us, Thorpiverse. If Coach Shaw, Thorp, Kaz, whosoever’s on the john in Gil’s toilette, have to watch Joe Friday Marathon Night on Tuesday, so do the other 3 people. We’re team around here. You can’t win if you’re not of like mind and purpose. We all stomach another episode of Petticoat Junction or call it a season.

Oh, and then we’re trying to get fancy bouncing around software lingo. Oooooooookkkkk, so Coach Kaz is not a dumb jock and he goes to the Milford Computer Palace when his eyes are not fixed on Monday Night Football. Yeah, there’s an association “Montana, hitting Rice on a slant, at the 45, the 40, the 30, the 20, the 10, TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!!!! And the 49ers lead 24-21, over Dallas early in the 3rd quarter.”

“Shit, I knew I should have gotten more cartridges. Honey, I’ll be right back.”

“Would you get some milk and bread while you’re out?’

“Sure. Does the Milford 7-11 still close at 11?”

“No, I think they’re on extended hours ’til midnight.”

 

Nick at Nite presents

HOW TO BE SWWWWEEEELLLLLLLL

A young Dick York is in a typical domicile in Milford. He is getting ready for the Homecoming Game tonight as Milford takes on Goshen

“You want to look dignified, classy, and clean for tonight’s game. But you also want to kick some booty. In other words, you want to look SSSSWWWWWWEEEEEELLLLLL. All right. Let’s begin.

First, be sure your underwear has just come clean out of the dryer. No sense in the nose tackle smelling the stink from your fart stains when you’re in formation. And you don’t want that static cling on your butt(as our young York double-checks his derriere).

Then, take a shower, making sure you use plenty of soap. It’s also a good idea to practice blocking by burying your shoulders against the tile wall(young York with his mouthguard in place, banging the wet walls, causing Dad down below, who’s reading the Milford Enquirer, to wonder what is going on).

Then, brush your teeth. You might lose half of them for tonight’s game, but no referee wants to pick up green teeth. There’s a 15-yard penalty for said offense.

Next, practice the pre-game handshake. You can practice with your dad, grandpa, your neighbor, the mailman, the meter man, the paper boy, your dog. It might not be a good idea to tell the paper boy ‘we’re going to run your ass over with a lawn mower’, but the other said personnage is perfectly acceptable(young York doing pre-game handshake with Lassie and Rin Tin Tin).

Then, practice your tackling. Use the front yard and practice with your girlfriend. When you get smacked a million times from the rejection of your advances, you’ll be ready to tackle The Refrigerator tonight(York displaying black eye and bruises all over his face.)

Oh, you also need to practice running with the football. You’ll have to go to Milford Wal-Mart to shoplift one. You’ll need speed and agility and a good lawyer for this one but if it gets you that late game-winning TD, it was worth a night in jail, plus the fees Dad has to pay the bail bondsman(young York running past the 80-year-old door greeter who’s trying to stop him).

FINALLY, eat a good hearty meal. You can’t play football on an empty stomach. Eat plenty of vegetables and a good steak for the energy you’ll need tonight(young York eating such plus the Chef Boy-R-Dee he’s hiding under the table out of the can).

These things should make you a winner and still be a toady under Coach Thorp’s system. Isn’t that SWWWWEEEEEELLLLLLLL?(As young York rides off with Gil and his family in his Rolls Royce to return to their chateau)”

 

If ya picketed in front of TV Land’s headquarters and organized a sit-in at the same place because they didn’t have enough huntin’ and fishin’ presentations on Nick at Nite, ya might be a redneck.”

 

WITH IT

REALLY WITH IT

COACH SHAW IS WHAT’S HAPPENING, BABY

THE ESSENCE OF COOL

ONLY MILES DAVIS DOES IT BETTER

HE COMES IN MOD AND ULTRA-MOD

CATCH HIM IF YOU CAN

ONLY ON NICK AT NITE

 

Neil Greenwell, I dedicate the last one to you. You do a great job at UPS and the company is a better store for your efforts. Your cheerful outlook on life is a blessing on me and I KNOW you make your co-workers better by your example. God Bless You, My Man.

 

“And that wraps up this Tournament. Why Coach T. wasn’t at his own Tournament is beyond anyone’s comprehension. We’ll be back for some final thoughts after this message. You’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

Mimi gets ready for bed, a bed much smaller since Gil returned after his vacation at MCC(See previous post).

She has “It’s Your Thing” from The Isley Brothers blasting from the boom box. She’s gonna be a hot time in the ol’ town tonight.

Until Gil drops his pants. Then she forgets to turn on the oven.

“Gil, are you really up to this? Because that isn’t the case, otherwise.”

“Mimi, I’ve been waiting for this all week. It’s been a Hard Days’ Night and I was sleeping like a log in the MCC locker room.”

“There’s something else that went to sleep and it wasn’t your feet.”

“Mimi, I’ll just take some Nyquil and wait for The Moment. I get a lot more aroused when I’m sleepy and relaxed.”

“It appears something else OD’d on Sominex.”

 

“What could I say? I was a goner and so was my Significant Other and I don’t mean Mimi. We were both Down in the Hole. Then Wilson and Tony suggested Milford Men’s Clinic. Their fathers had a Lazurus for a weapon as well until they hit the Milford Mall and went down to the place next to Orange Julius. Slurping a Cherry-Lime Fizzy Freeze with an erection at the corner booth. Ummm, ummm, Life is good.”

 

Two Brits, ina record store one day, sizing up “Emotional Rescue” from The Rolling Stones

“Sooo ‘at’s wher’ they got th’ idea for ‘Doon in th’ ‘ole.”

“Blimey, eye deedn’t now ‘ey were Gil Thorp groupies, ya now?”

 

Gang, comment away. My Colts are gonna beat Coach Shaw’s team on Game Boy. Luck will be playing this time. Just watch.

 

IT’S YOUR THING

DO WHAT YA WANNA DO

I CAN’T TELL YA

WHO TA SOCK IT TO

 

Coach Kaz opens the door and catches Gil in his boxers again.

“Gil, is this chronic?”

Gil turns off school intercom

“Hell, Kaz, I couldn’t paddle a kiddie raft to shore with the oar I had yesterday. I couldn’t even get up for ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’. I had to boost my dosage and get this CD from Milford Music Exchange.”

 

November 7, 2017

Oh Goody. More Waiting.

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Amazing. So, Gil’s brilliant strategy of implementing a new offense mid-season was based on, among other very dubious assumptions, the notion that it keys entirely off of one and only one player. That’s some coaching.

Panel 1: I had a job with a guy from the midwest who used ‘gents’ frequently. A recent development was that I had to work with/for him a lot more. I don’t work at that job anymore.

Panel 2: Should I recognize this guy? I sure should. He’s the dynamo who is driving the plot, Andre! Here he is as part of the crowd and here is where we confirm his name. We also see him here being kind of a jerk about supporting Little Ricky’s fledgling singing career. Way to go, Andre! That can-do spirit is exactly what the team will need while they are getting pounded into the turf at Tilden.

Panel 3: Speaking of jerks… Jeeze guys. Maybe save that talk for after practice. Are coaches Shaw and Boone the shadowy figures lurking in panel two? Guys! Gil and Andre can totally hear you.

Bonus Question: What is the purpose of that card Steve is holding? I checked the color version of the strip which shows that it’s a white, blank card.

Bonus Bonus Question: Speaking of, by what means is Steve’s towel suspended?

October 16, 2017

No Time For Duck Jokes

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Oh, Uncle Gary. You’re unrelenting in your disdain of football. Don’t let the Millard West Wildcats hear your dismissive jabs, or they’ll drive up(?) from Omaha, Nebraska show you what it’s like! Sit over there with your coffee cup and your barbs, we’ve got other things of import to untangle here today.

What the hell? Coach Kaz went and got a black/blue dye job? (Okay, so this is why I used the color strip today. I kind of feel like colorist mistakes are maybe the easiest and most painfully obvious things to snark on, but on some most Mondays, I’ll take just about anything I can get.) Well, Kaz, what can we say? It looks great on you. Combined with the backwards clergy collar/black tee, it’s a bold new look for you. I guess the rest of the coaching brain trust (Coach Shaw! Steve Boone! Gilbot 3000!) is too absorbed in game video to take in your bold new choices. I predict Kaz will go and rinse that color out of his hair in time for his next appearance.

So we began with a goateed a-hole and now we end with the OG goateed a-hole, Marty Moon. Marty is doing his usual, the journalistic equivalent of stepping on a gardening rake. He lobs a presumptive question at Gil. In this cliffhanger style presentation, Gil gets a whole day to formulate a snarky and insultingly dismissive answer.

November 21, 2016

D To The Uh

Filed under: Coach Shaw, Gil Thorp, hideous scar faces, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 4:19 am

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Heather Burns is a genius. Too bad Gil and Kaz didn’t stick around to hear the reveal.

The solution to this problem is to remember who your second and third string TEs were and maybe use them.

Who operates the camera to capture the video? They need some work on general camera pointing skills.

November 19, 2016

Gil, Kaz and Coach Shaw Weren’t Busy Doing Anything Else Apparently

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Panels one and three are plenty ridiculous, but panel two is a cornucopia of Milford weirdness. Had I more time and inspiration, I would try to track down the vintage of whatever monitor that might be or, at least, I would make a joke about how Gil had coasters stacked on either side of it.

Unseen footage: I would love to have a strip with one of the AP teachers complaining to Dr. Pearl about all of the bullshit passes Gil sends to excuse students from class on the flimsiest of pretenses.

Updated to add ‘freak hands’ tag… don’t look too long at Heather’s wrist in P1 if you know what’s good for you.

October 29, 2016

Crush With Eyeliner

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Coach Shaw, football, Gil Thorp, Mimi Thorp, Pissy faced Gil — teenchy @ 8:07 am

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“No, let’s crush Heather’s confidence – and her body – instead.” Good job, Coach Shaw. You get more lines this season than you have in many and you’re ready to throw a girl under the bus. Meanwhile, the double entendres continue as Mimi quizzes Gil (who’s striking a Lincoln Memorial pose) about his past and future. I’m not even gonna take that bait today; y’all can run with that with your dirty minds.

5’8″, 150 is ridiculously small for a TE. Slot receiver, too. This coming from yhs who was a 5’8″, 190 reserve NT/ILB in high school. Granted that was during the Carter Administration and at a school in a town with one traffic light, but enough about me. I gotta start getting my drink on. The WLOCP is this afternoon and by all accounts it’s gonna get ugly fast.

Inspiration for today’s post title, as if y’all didn’t know already:

October 22, 2016

Backing Up (Like a Dump Truck)

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Kevin Pelwecki may not have a poster of the right guard on his wall, but does he have Groucho Marx and Chuck McCann in his medicine cabinet?

Here we were for the past couple of days remarking on how this strip portrays football positions in dialog balloons as abbreviations and wondering whether Milfordians pronounced them as abbreviations, and now here are kids sounding out the full name of each position. In so doing The Secret Pelwecki shows himself to be yet another in a very long line of Milford Idiots who want nothing more than to be the defensive lineman right guard center of attention. I blame reality television.

Then – hey y’all, look! It’s a rare Coach Shaw spotting – and with more lines than just about ever. He’s setting us up for the fifth-string QB‘s transition into the third-string TE. Kaz, however, has had enough of his talk. By doing an end-around to snatch Coach Shaw’s MATT mug, Kaz asserts his dominance over Coach Shaw and maintains his status as beta male on the Milford sidelines.

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