This Week in Milford

July 25, 2019

“And I Always Call 400 Lawyers When I Always Owe 400 Mil…”

072519When I wake up, I know where I wanna be I wanna sleep with the man

Who’s gonna marry me

When I’m angry, so angry I could shit I know I’m gonna shine a heat lamp

On my father’s head

When I throw up, I know it’s cuz I ate too much all this fancy cooking

Clogging up my butt

When I clean up, I know I need some Clearasil I know that wart was

Just one fancy zit

 

And I always type 400 briefs and I always fax 400 lawyers

Just to be sure that the case is closed

And we’re not left hanging by our drawers

 

da da dun dun

da da dun dun

da da dun dun

da da dun dun

Always fax 400 lawyers

da da dun dun

da da dun dun

da da dun dun

da da dun dun

Not get shot stripped down to our drawers

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S GOT ME. THERE’S ONE MORE FROG ON THE ISLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RAY MILLAND HAS ALREADY GOTTEN EATEN BY AN 8-FOOT KERMIT THE FROG AND AN 8-FOOT MISS PIGGY ATE HIS REMAINS FOR DESSERT, HELP!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!-Oh, it’s you, Mrs. Baxendale. For a moment, I thought you were the Goodyear Blimp but sometimes when Salvador Dali is the artist as in P1, these optical illusions can be quite a sight for sore eyes. I figured that you were inflated to 35 lb/psi when I didn’t see any blimp messages, e.g. “Eat at The Bucket this week for Daily Daquiris Hour, 3-4 P.M. every day, Cherry Daiquiri topped with Bucket Cool Whip, 1/2 off” or “Goodyear Steel-belted, 2-Ply, All-weather, 36,000 Mile Warranty, Looks-Like-They-Ran-Over-Mrs.-Baxendale’s-Visage Radials, 4 for $450, Only at Milford Tire and Wheel”.

 

Because I stand in befuddlement when people who should know better get attacked by bison at Yellowstone National Park that involved a 9-year-old getting head-butted by one, prompting me off-hand to say that when enjoying wildlife

KEEP YOUR DISTANCE AT ALL TIMES

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Almost Stampeded By A Herd Of Moose At Milford Nature Area, Manages To Climb An Elm Tree To Safety!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sub headline

“‘I thought Cochrane was scary when he pleaded his case with Ito until I tried to feed one of them some Wheaties'”

 

And where in the name of Jerry Pulver are Mrs. Baxendale and Hadley Venom? As long as we’re going to talk herds of lawyers and keeping your distance from them (gotta watch ’em. They like to feed in the same area as the black bears in the Smokies) , I’d like to know the venue where Hadley Veronica is pouring her heart out with mamma, lawyers, Papa Warbucks, er, Baxendale, or the Cubs (GOTCHA, Robmize-ha) .

Well, it’s the same brick wall that Pink Floyd used for The Wall but I don’t see any queers in the theater tonight (even tho Mrs. Baxendale DEFINITELY doesn’t look right) to get up against a wall or anyone with spots, let alone have any of them shot (just reading off the album’s cheat sheet) and I don’t think David Gilmour frequents a place that has all the atmosphere of a minimum security fortress so I’m gonna go ahead and rule that out if it’s OK with the rest of you.

And I’m almost positive that they’re not in the studio where The Police are remastering Zenyatta Mondatta. No “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” while Hadley Verdant is wailing about Daddy Warbucks. Read the sign, Gang. It’s KENYATTA, not Zenyatta. You do know your Z’s from your K’s, right? The 400 lawyers are not the chorus backing Sting on “De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da”. Just thought I’d get that straightened out ahead of time.

And again, it really doesn’t look like Shawshank, the bricks look too modern. And Andy Du Fresne would be coming out of Mr. Baxendale’s tub anytime after he left a hole in the wall behind Mrs. Baxendale. Boy, the case brief the 400 lawyers would have to file for that one.

Hey, I’ll go with some Joe Blow coffee shop meant to promote ATMOSPHERE while this pile of Quaker Oats gets steeper and steeper. And that’s not the half of it. Didn’t they just get done shooting a scene of intramural football? Didn’t that replace the Putt Putt Miniature Golf plot? And weren’t they supposed to get together at another IHOP in New Thayer because the New Thayer Creme de la Creme Bon Cuisine et Le Plus Bon Vin dans le Soleil du Centre de Paris burnt to the ground because the toilet’s circuitry got mixed with the Dutch oven? And does Thor strike coffee cups to the ground too? Man, that piece of porcelain Mrs. Baxendale is drinking out of got burnt at the stake. Thor must have angered Zeus and vice versa and they both took it out on Poseidon’s corningware. Mythology couldn’t generate any more interest.

 

When I speak up, I know she’ll only have a cow she’ll never take me

To Milford Six Flags again

When I read up (When I read up) The Vulcan Times has published dates of all the times

Captain Kirk jump-starts his ship

Oh my daughter (oh my daughter) , I know she wants to marry rich so I won’t be her

Sugar Daddy in escrow

When I find out, you know I’ll make sure that he’s buying out the

7-11 shelf of IUD’s.

 

And I’d always drive 400 miles just to loan her account 400 bucks

Gotta make sure the ATM won’t overdraw

So she won’t wind up SOL

 

Da Da Dun Dun

Da Da Dun Dun

Da Da Dun Dun

Da Da Dun Dun

Spot her balance 400 bucks

Da Da Dun Dun

Da Da Dun Dun

Da Da Dun Dun

Da Da Dun Dun

So she won’t wind up SOL

 

Ooooooooooookkkkkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back to bring sanity and order to a plot that has wandered off into Milford Natural Area. I don’t think it’s feeding time for the leopards yet. Anyway, take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Zenyatta Mondatta was a country on Mr. Baxendale’s head, next to ___________________”

 

As long as the soap opera is going from “Days of Our Lives” to “Another World” to “General Hospital” to “One Live to Live”, leap-frogging to “Dallas” to “Falcon Crest” in the same hour on the same channel (feel sorry for the sponsors) ,  I’d like some verification if you wouldn’t mind.

It’s a reasonable assumption that any dad only wants the best for his daughter and that’s really the gist of Mrs. Baxendale’s conversation (she’s married to the equivalent of J. R. Ewing, after all) . What’s NOT reasonable is the conversation protruding from Hadley Viniculum in P2. I never talk about my personal life with ONE lawyer, much less 400 of them. Nope, not gonna divulge to 400 Perry Masons who I’m gonna marry next or what I ate at the school cafeteria in the 3rd grade. If you’re gonna work out your life ahead of you and we’re gonna assume (I’M gonna assume anyway) it’s gonna be with Jaquan, it’s really unnecessary to call The Shark. Unless you run into each other in the bathroom because he slipped on a bar of soap and his butt crushes your face, well, yeah, I’d call 1-FON-THE_JAWS. Then it would be a horse of a different color.

“The Case of the Milford Moto-Lodge Capers”.

Boy, what channel is Perry Mason on? And right after Dobie Gillis?

 

Your only dad? Hadley Vector, at last count, and here I’m speaking biologically, you really only have one of them. I’m sure you can dig up in your Star Trek video collection an episoed where Dr. McCoy told Captain Kirk that the former was the father of the latter even though the latter also had a dad in Oelwein, Iowa who worked as a farmer when he wasn’t moonlighting as a factory worker and, oh yeah, that one in Visalia, California who’s been a career census worker, oh shoot, I forgot about the one in Bennington, Vermont who works the National Forest collecting specimens for Williams College and, oh yeah…

 

If ya have to call 400 injury lawyers cuz the crossing guard at the railroad didn’t function right cuz the squirrels escaped from the contraption pullin’ the crossing guard cuz they seen some walnuts on the ground and the Milford & Oakwood ran over yore pickup truck and they’re gonna have to ampyatate yore right leg and yore truck bed at Milford General, ya might be a redneck.

 

THE PLAY-DOH FACE IS BACK IN P3!!!!!!!!! That’s right, he was Lou Grant yesterday, today he’s Chief O’Hara, relaxing before he has to call on the Batphone that is sitting there on the counter in the kitchen. Get out of the way, Mrs. Baxendale, The Joker and his gang are holding the 400 lawyers hostage at Hadley Virgo’s office.

And if that’s not the Batphone, WHAT IS IT? Talk about Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. This one takes the cake. And maybe that’s literally. Of course, when you’re done lapping up all the Betty Crocker Butternut Cake Mix, ya gotta store the rest of the batter SOMEWHERE. Can’t use the fridge. Don’t put in it in the Salt and Pepper rack. And don’t even THINK of storing it in the cupboard next to the Minute Rice. I think we’ve nailed this one.

And when Rubber Face is done reading the sports section in the Kanamit Plain Dealer, maybe he’ll listen to his wife. And maybe we’ll find out what’s eatin’ him.

“They wouldn’t let Jaquan referee that 7-on-7 scrimmage? My daughter fought the State High School Athletic Association over his eligibility. NBA players only had to have a score of 75 on the State Exam.”

Well, I had to take a stab. I’ll narrow this one down. Promise.

 

“Honey, come to bed. You can read the Vulcan Times for another day.”

“But there’s an interesting article on Dr. Spock’s virginity. He hasn’t had sex on another dimension at all. The planet Ganymede was barren in more ways than one.”

“I can take you to Jupiter if you’ll give me a chance. Let me inflate you the way I inflate my face.”

“It says it takes 76 light years before he could copulate with a Vulcanette. She could buy Mary Kay Cosmetics from her Mary Kay sales lady from Deneb in the meantime. He was shooting at Darth Vader while trying to work up an orgasm.  God, no wonder why he never could get it on.”

“But I’m right here. You can get it on in 2 seconds.”

“Um, let me call Hadley V. one more time. I just want to make sure they’re sleeping in separate bunks, she on top and he on the bottom. I’d hate to hear they ruined the Holiday Inn towels because the relationship was top-heavy.”

“Darling, it’s 1:00AM. I’m sure they’re sound asleep and the bunks are at a proper angle. Even though they’re probably snuggled up in the same bunk.”

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! The whole damn thing will collapse and cause an earthquake in Milford. They wouldn’t dare sleep together in the top bunk!!!!!!!! That’s why you don’t put Red Sovine and his semi’s on the top branch of a redwood!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“I’m sure they slept on the bottom. And we need to sleep on the bottom too. In this Serta.”

“You don’t put a Serta on a redwood either!!!!!!!!!! The grizzlies might sleep in it and where would my daughter stay for the night???????”

“Darling, are you flat AS a bunk bed?”

 

“There was no two ways about it. I had to confront my daughter’s future and my own future with my sexuality. And when I climbed down from the redwood after wrestling with the devil and a grizzly for my Blessing, I went to Milford Men’s Clinic. With treatment programs that will make my sexual life taller than Jaquan and with proven medications sure to inflate matters bigger than my wife’s face when she gets puffed up herself when at the County Jail Snack Bar in a mother-daughter tete-a-tete, I feel like a new man again. Lou Grant with an attitude. Come see for yourself at Milford Men’s Clinic. What have you got to lose except your virginity?”

 

Comment away. I’m checking out all the deals Rural King has on the planet Io. I need a riding mower. The grass is getting brown on my lawn on the planet Mars.

 

 

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kaz Almost Loses Arm At Milford Petting Zoo!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Was trying to caress a croc when it was munching on jowl bacon at feeding time.”

 

 

 

 

And I always walk 400 miles just to give this plot 400 barbs

Can we just forget the summer now

If it were beer, it’d have only 400 carbs

 

Da Da Dun Dun…

July 24, 2019

Are We Going There?

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Here I was thinking that the summer subplot was going to be “The Case of Hadley V. Baxendale’s Disappearing and Reappearing Mole*,” but I was wrong. It’s shaping up to be more along of the lines of “Lou Grant Ed V. Baxendale is a Racist But It Could Just Be the Wine Talking.” (There has been a lot of wine drinking in this arc, hasn’t there?). Race has been a relatively benign factor in the strip since I’ve been blogging here, unless you count Marty Moon’s attitude toward the Padillas winter before last.

Jaquan has been consistently portrayed as a fairly savvy guy, not lacking for brains as well as for talent. The less said about his flirtation with football, the better. He also had a fair grip on his future plans as far back as high school, for some of which he apparently has Hadley to thank until death do they part. If he’s been as good a pro hoopster as he’s been made out to be, then his financial worries should be relatively few for years to come. So what’s not to like?

It remains to be seen whether Rubin tackles this head-on or comes at it obliquely, the way he does so many other hot topics. For now, let’s just see how many dog whistles Ed blows over the rest of the summer.

*We do need the “peering over glasses” tag; I’ll try to add that if one of my fellow TWIMers doesn’t beat me to it.

METAPOST: How about it TWIM community? Please submit your suggestions for an eyeglasses tag in the comments below! Eyeglass Antics? Peering Over Peepers? -TimP

June 5, 2019

Going Dutch at the Coffee Cantina?

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Here at TWIM we’ve pretty much concluded Milford is in Michigan. While it’s true Michigan has some Dutch influences, I totally did not expect the Coffee Cantina to turn into a full-blown Amsterdam coffeeshop overnight. Had to run with the color version to confirm that the brownie was indeed a brownie. You know it’s a great brownie when you haven’t even taken a bite out of it. Contact high much?

Everyone (including myself) who had written Linda off as a loser who was willing to turn down a volley scholly because she wasn’t yet Olympian material can just hold that thought, at least for today. Skipping practice doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve given up on your sport (remember Allen Iverson?).

The less said about Mimi’s heavy-handed Animal Farm assignment, the better. I’m also disappointed that Mimi didn’t run ’em till they puked before convening Book Club, but if it leads to Molly and Nancy giving Linda a TCFS button for skipping volleyball practice to eat a hash brownie at the Coffee Cantina, I can live with it.

June 4, 2019

The Baseball Season That Was, Until It Wasn’t.

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Gang, are you as confused as I am right about now? As Ned mentioned yesterday, we have learned to live with one-size-fits-all school schedules at Milford High School for quite some time, allowing for graduation ceremonies to be sometime right after the Fourth of July, or maybe that was Burgers and Fries day in the cafeteria, Hell, I forget which.

So while we’re munching on a Quarter Pounder here in the cafeteria before 5th period chem lab and pursuing the class project Design an Atomic Bomb in 1000 Words or Less, Sheet Metal and Crayolas are Permissable, it is left to us to ponder what DID happen to the baseball season. One day, David Walter does an Ozzie Smith fielding job to help the Baseball Mudlarks save the day (and perhaps this strip from extinction) , the next day we have girls talking about hippos and buttons.

And we couldn’t even stay on topic with hippos. Okay, Jamila Moses had a good luck charm she liked better than the Cabbage Patch dolls at Milford Toys ‘R’ Us and, damn, the concept was working until Rally Pachyderm failed to deliver in the 9th and we had to send a hobbling Kirk Gibson to the plate. And to think, it could have been a hippo rounding the bases on that homer hit off of Dennis Eckersley, doin’ the chugging motion while rounding second base as Whitney Houston is somewhere in another dimdnsion accompanying the hippo with “One Moment in Time”. Ah, the gods can be cruel when it comes to fate.

Even the hats that Jocelynn Brown doled out weren’t spared the Black Hole that made everybody look like Dionne Warwick. So it was left to the buttons which have become a national obsession and have driven baseball out of Milford. I know, have Jocelynn dish out those hats for the baseball team, enabling those involved to retain a sense of community. Hey, I’m all for the baseball team and the softball team posing in a group photo wearing Bud Powell fezzes on their heads. We’d be back on-topic anyway. I’m confident there’s a fez that’ll fit Gil’s buffon perfectly.

Don’t you think it’s better than what we have NOW????? What was the point? If reading “Animal Farm” was supposed to be a motivational tool to promote teamwork and commitment and FOCUS, well, “4 legs good, 2 plots (or more) bad”.

“Studying the book wasn’t good enough. You were supposed to READ it. 50 laps around the gym, girl. And don’t let me catch you cuttin’ corners or you’ll start all over.”

Okay, okay, so Mrs. Vince Lombardi is not in Mimi’s genes at this point but we’re still left with more questions than answers after Mimi, appearing to be TAKING CHARGE the other day and still with a bit of urgency in her voice in P1, is leaving us on the edge of the cliff as to what the punishment, if any although I get a sick-gut feeling that is indeed in her bag of tricks this time. No more crack the whip only to find out the whip is just being used to hold the concession stand door on its hinges until a carpenter from the Milford Carpenter’s Union Local 808 comes Monday for much-needed repairs.

If ya harbor the same cast that appeared in Animal Farm: The Movie II-The Year We Make Contact in yore house by takin’ a shower with ’em, sleepin’ with ’em, goin’ to Milford Drive-In Cineplex with ’em, jug of buttered popcorn included, plus tax, lettin’ ’em do the cannonball in yore swimmin’ pool, lettin’ ’em use yore washer and dryer, and takin’ ’em out on a Friday to The Bucket cuz they got 4 Legs Get 1/2 Off On Selected Items On The Menu After 8:00PM Night, ya might be a redneck.

 

And before I leave P1, I WAS hoping Mimi would end this comedy of errors with some good old-fashioned discipline OF SOME SORT. Make ’em do laps, as mentioned. Smack their knuckles with a ruler. Restrict their diet in the cafeteria to only bread and water for a week.

But noooooooooooo, Nancy has to ask, because Pat Sajak isn’t saying, what she’s won. Milford gym has turned into Wheel of Fortune. If I read the entire book twice, epilogue included, that trip to Mudlark Lake Resort is in the bag.

“Marty, you animal. You’re taking no prisoners this time. And I thought this cabin was booked solid through September.”

“Simple, Peaches. One run-through of the “Annotated Version of How the West Was Won” and Vanna took care of the rest. She managed to convince the 90-year-old couple to shift their vacation to Holiday World in Santa Claus, Indiana. I got the keys on Monday.”

“Ohhhhhh, Marty, you know how to talk dirty.”

And how do you study for something with no test or quiz involved? Do you tell Mimi you were chanting “Hare Krishna” while reading the part about the horse getting shipped off to the glue factory? I know Molly is doing her best roundabout answer of I Didn’t Read The Damn Thing, Thank You Very Much. But make the alibi believable. Reciting mantras of “Clapton is God” while reading about pigs and sheep sending a mule to the guillotine on Bastille Day is really unnecessary.

Mimi, I think your strategy is backfiring.

And, believe me, I’m all for unusual motivational tools as long as they work. One year, Indiana University Men’s Basketball played so badly that Bob Knight told them they played like horse crap (confident that the language was stronger than that) and just flat-out said “You’re on your own.” A couple of rookies and some newer players were aghast that he would dump the team like this but Joe Hillman reacted as if this was no surprise. So he got Daryl Thomas to get the plane reservations and tickets (I think they were going to Minnesota) , Brian Sloan to call the hotel in Minneapolis for reservations, Steve Alford to call a couple of restaurants in Minneapolis to reserve a couple of tables, etc. Finally, everything is set up and rarin’ to go, and by the time they arrived in Minneapolis, they got off the plane and subsequently went as a team to the lobby, where Bob Knight proudly awaited. Coach Knight had made his point. Needless to say, they won the game that night against an excellent Minnesota Golden Gophers squad.

I am still waiting for Mimi to get off the plane.

 

“We now return to ‘Daily Living with Dave’.”

Certainly a far cry from “Double Plays from Dave “, which is not only as awkward as it sounds, we’re spared the agony of bad literary style because double plays for the baseball squad is about as frequent as double dips of Bucket Turnip Torte ice cream.

And I’m not liking him at home on a computer with street clothes on. This can only tell me he’s not been at the ball park in quite some time. Which means he must have been doing OTHER things. Now I think it’s stretching it to say he’s been Nordic skiing in Milford Natural Area. Gang, hate to break it to you but you’ll have to set your sights somewhat lower. Yeah, that’s right, he was in a pick-up basketball game in his driveway court with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Pippen couldn’t make it because he was sick with the flu.

So when Linda called, he had Kareem at H-O-R-S (“Bounce the ball off Gil’s hair, go through the loop of the chunky bracelet, bank it in.”) . And it makes me wonder, now that David is accounted for with no double plays up his sleeve, what Linda has on her mind. It doesn’t appear, due to the lack of scars, that Mimi sent her to the rack. But if we have to patronize the same saloon that Matt Dillon and Miss Kitty use Groupon coupons for, Mimi must have done something.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Suing Milford Beverage Warehouse After Nephew Thrown From Buddy Budweiser!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Penny caught in the slot chute, causing Buddy to buck, sending nephew 50 feet in front of the Modelo display.”

 

So now we anticipate, judging from P3, that Linda is going to get pissy-whiny-faced about the “punishment” Mimi must have doled out. I can’t imagine hanging around a bunch of Aussies that are thwarting your dream to be a U.S. Volleyball Olympian is really Paradise so being asked (not coerced, if we’re dealing in reality here) by Mimi to gracefully back away from a bunch of roughneck Crocodile Dundee’s so that you can concentrate on a sport that might land a scholarship and thereby doing something strange called “Paying for your Education” is clearly in order.

And Linda might live happily ever after if Sheriff Dillon didn’t have to deal with a shootout caused by one the Dalton boys drinking too much Blue Motha coffee. Kinda makes me wonder what kind of liqueur Miss Kitty spiked it with. Probably some cheap K-Mart Liquor special if it was only $2.15.

 

“Y’know, I just laugh when Coach Thorp takes shots at The Bucket, especially in its endeavors to procure a liquor license. His butt is showing out of his Haggar slacks if you believe some of the tall tales he’s been broadcasting.

Hi, this is the Absentee Owner of The Bucket. What he’s NOT telling you, because the Milford Courthouse Docket was not printed until after his latest ad was that there was a proposal on the table by the very owners of Milford Beverage Warehouse to raise the User Fee on Buddy Budweiser to $1.00 and to surcharge a value-added-tax on select brands of liquor, the latter of which to cover the costs of replacing the ‘B’ on Buddy’s saddle. If some patron discovered that he’s being charged extra on his case of Drewry’s to refurbish a fake Mr. Ed, I bet he’d have a cow. I don’t even want to think about the reaction from the wine connoisseurs when the more expensive Milford Valley Grape Deluxe gets blindsided with heavy tax increments.

But at The Bucket, we have our own riding horse, Bucky, and it is STILL only a penny. If the owners of The Warehouse want to pocket the extra money in the name of Uncle Sam just to finance their Rolls-Royce, that’s their perogative but tell the truth while you’re at it.

Because here at The Bucket, we still charge ’50’s prices because we’re still stuck in the ’50’s. We can go out on a limb in our quest for the Holy Grail and finally nail that Liquor Permit next to the First Dollar because ours isn’t a perfect world. Charging $1.00 for Bucket Triple Cheese and $.50 for Bucket French Fries and still be able to satisfy The Good People who desire The Good Life has long been a goal of The Bucket. And if they want to ride Bucky while they’re waiting for their Bucket o’ Marinaded Shrimp Combo, overflowing with shrimp, onion rings, and a tall boy of Bud Lite, who can blame them? Doesn’t a Michelob Dry taste better when delivered by a sock hop on roller skates with your order of White Meat Chicken Sandwich Combo, especially when you’re washin’ own the Bucket Buffalo Fries and a packet of Bucket Mac ‘n’ Cheese? Mmmm, mmmmm, good.

And this Saturday, as a way of expressing our thanks for over 60 years of your business, The Bucket will let all kids between the ages of 1 to 18 ride Bucky for free. That’s right, save that penny for the gumball machine later. Ride ’em, Cowboy and chow down on the menu at The Bucket. Wow, hope you don’t have plans on this exciting day.

But you won’t know until you ignore Gil and his cohort, Sonny Corleone. The way they both tell it, we’re only in it for the money. Yeah, that’s what happens when Honore Vashon is on the City Council. As if Milford and Steve McGarrett don’t have enough to worry about.

Either way, the door is open this Saturday. In fact, the only time our doors are closed is when we close at night.

Is there a message here? You decide.”

 

Gang, it’s all yours. I’m gonna try that Blue Motha coffee, remembering I have a post to do on Thursday. But I can afford $2.15. And I promise I’ll pay back my sister.

 

Gene Rayburn, thanks for stopping in. What’s the latest?

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought ‘Animal Farm’ as owned by a group of _________________.”

 

“Mr. Vashon, with all due respect, there’s no way The Bucket would survive on the island of Maui. Too many resorts and restaurants.”

“Ooohhhhhh, that’s where you’re wrong, McGarrett. We did a survey and found that The Bucket Sharkburger was 10 times better than Logan’s Steakhouse or the luaus on the island.”

 

March 8, 2019

This fish is rotting from the head.

Filed under: Bobby Howry, Coffee Cantina, Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots — robmize2013 @ 9:08 pm

What a load of manure we have today– P1 Gil insinuates that he makes personnel decisions at Milford, when in fact most of these decisions are made by outsiders who happen to worm their way into the scene, (ie Bobby Howry 5 years ago) and Gil figures if they’ll do all the work, let them. He’ll just stand off to the side and re-appear at the end to give his sage advice.

P2– Yeah Gil you’re getting back to your Job. And that is?? (See above paragraph.) Biggest crock of crap in this strips history, that Panel 2.

P3–Finish college? Hey, I already know how to pour a glass of milk; what more life skills do I need?

For the love of Pete– you just got your ass booted out of the only fuckin place you had a chance to succeed in, and now you MAYBE will finish college?? How much of your moms money have you farted away on nonsense like billboard sign-making ( Hey maybe that can be your major!)  I guess he started college, then quit when he hit on the billboard idea. (Boy whatever college he was going to sure taught him well if thats what he learned)  Then he decides to hang out at WDIG in hopes of landing a post somewhere else after he burns all his bridges in Milford. Another brilliant idea eh?

Now he may re-start his college career sometime. Well methinks this is a good time to say adios to this character and move on with the – oh yeah, basketball season that we forgot about. Maybe down the road he can re-appear in Gils office all grown up with a beard and contact lenses, and share with Gil all he’s learned since that fateful billboard experiment. That would be nice. I  had a tough time myself in college, going to 3 different ones in 7 years before finally throwing in the towel after getting a real job with a future. If you want to work, there’s something out there for you. But Work is the key word. Not flap your gums about how great you are when you havent done a DAMN thing!

You hear me Howry? Now get lost and find your niche.

March 7, 2019

Breakfast At Mimi’s

Filed under: Coffee Cantina, freak hands, Gil Thorp, Marty Moon, Pissy faced Gil — tdrewhardin @ 6:02 pm

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Since Mimi has trashed the girls basketball season, I can’t think of a better alternative, as long as you’re gonna keep the natives restless without high school basketball, girls, non-existent, boys, on life support, than to open up your own upscale eatery. Let’s quit wasting time here eating chicken wings at Barney Rubble’s joint or crab legs at Richie the C’s place (complete with Richie the C on DJ, who promises he won’t bomb out-“And this is Richie the C on WDIG, poundin’ out all your favorite hits!!!!!!!! Next we got Danny and the Juniors with “At The Hop” but first Marty the Moon will be giving the latest update on R/Booby the Hitchhiker’s whereabouts!!!!!!!!!!”) . Why put on that leisure jacket you received as a throw-in if you promised to buy the seersucker suit in Mudlark colors (“Coach, I’m tellin’ ya, this’ll intimidate the refs-want that charging call in the 4th? Wear it. Let me do another alteration so your butt doesn’t stick out when you’re kneeling.”) at Milford Men’s Wearhouse if you weren’t going to go chic talking to a snake? Might as well hit The Bucket in your pajamas. Keep the fellowship fresh with Judas by keeping the table well-stocked with Mimi’s Restaurant Chips Key Lime, Melba toast crackers and brie, plus a white wine, especially selected from Milford Valley Vineyards, Mimi’s Special Edition, Straight From the Pick-up To Your Glass, Fermented To Quittin’ Time. As long as we’re going nowhere in basketball and I wouldn’t be surprised to see tomorrow 3 more panels of issues totally ungermane to basketball, the topic of discussion perhaps The Milford Hatchery was full of dead trout because someone forgot to pour the chlorine in the water, then why not go nowhere at Mimi’s?

 

Moon River

Wasting all our time

Talkin’ ’bout some slime

Who left

 

Two guys talkin’

And partly balkin’

Wherever Boob’s going

He went the wrong way

 

Gang, I can’t think of a more appropriate movie right now to bash the present circumstances than “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”. Basically Audrey Hepburn’s breakout role with a great team working behind her. George Axelrod, who also masterminded “The Manchurian Candidate”, as screenwriter, the well-respected Blake Edwards as director, the novel written by the ever-shrewd genius, Truman Capote, and an all-star cast of George Peppard, Buddy Ebsen, Mickey Rooney and Patricia Neal. BTW, it won 2 Academy Awards, one for Best Original Score (Henry Mancini, the venerable composer having much to do with that) and the other for Best Song, “Moon River”.

The movie itself could be, at times, a bringer-downer. After all, we WERE dealing with the struggles of Holly Golightly, accompanied by that recurring bouncy music with an eerie twist throughout the movie. Isn’t that what’s going on here? The difference is that Holly repented at the end of the movie and we’re still at Mimi’s in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s: The Year Holly Golightly Becomes A Teacher For Milford And Has A Room Next Door To Ms. Rizk”.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Director for Walk to Find a Cure for Suicide Turns On The Gas in his Condo!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J. Simpson-DAMN!!!!!!!!! I injured my knee again and I needed the rehab work.”

 

I mean, really. Who DIDN’T see this coming? You had to know when he was modeling for Macy’s in that jacket the other day that basketball was going in the deep freeze indefinitely. Does he always don macho man threads headin’ to the gym for 3-point defense? Noooooooooooooo, he saves that for special occasions like conversing with the one guy he wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole. Yup, always nice to look your best when headin’ to the snake pit. I always put on Faberge when I frequent the Milford State Park outhouse to find out about the roaches’ wife and kids.

“You look nice, Gil, in that seersucker. Where ya headed?”

“Oh, Marty and Peaches are stuck in their cabin at Mudlark Lake Resort again so I gotta turn the hose on ’em.”

“I understand he brought a hooker cuz Peaches wasn’t enough.”

“Shit, I forgot about that. I’ll need a fire hose for that Oreo sandwich. What’s the number of Milford FD?”

 

So let’s move on and work a little more on this concept. If he just puts on his jacket, assume for arguments sake that he is going to Milford 7-11 for a couple of stale long johns, a foot-long Slim Jim, and a cup of coffee, black naturally. When did you ever see the Marlboro Man dump Nutrasweet in his Sanka? This whole escapade smacks a bit of binge-eating but Gil’s stuck to his Weight Watcher’s plan for 60 years. He and Eisenhower were sharing the same scale weighing the chicken broth. And I admire a man who spurned all the Twinkies and Ho Ho’s.

“Ike, you looked uncomfortable talking to Acheson today? Too many Zingers with your Chicken Cordon Bleu?”

“Yeah, I wish Mamie would quit stuffing them in my coat. Hard for me to sit still talking to Mao. And don’t even bring in Nixon when I’m full of Entemann’s.”

 

NOW if he meets Marty Moon without putting on a coat and tie, then, given their relationship, they really ought to meet at the Milford Nudist Colony. You laugh but there’s more of a chance of basketball showing up there than what we’re seeing in front of us now. As long as they’re uncomfortable with each other, why not carry it to the nth degree? And really, we could have a 3-on-3 basketball tournament, Gil the director of the Tournament, Marty with the play-by-play, and anyone caught wearing Hanes is disqualified. Gotta keep it honest.

“Gil, no WONDER why you’ve got a lifetime membership at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

“What’s your point, Moon? Speak now or forever hold your mike.”

“At least I have something to hold.”

 

OKAY!!!!!!! It’s settled. When Gil puts on his formal attire AND speaks with Marty Moon, they are not there at Mimi’s to negotiate their respective baseball card collection. If you can trade a Willie Mays for a Bob Horner in your Birthday Suit, great, but otherwise, Gil and Marty are patiently waiting for the Filet Mignon Flambe avec Pommes de Terre Dans l’Immersion de l’Huile Cuisson sauteed in Beurre Plus Refinee et Cerises Frais et Creme while discussing the Cubs pitching this year (Robmize, don’t hate on me.) . Mimi is still learning the language.

 

Moon River

Wasting all our time

Talkin’ ’bout some slime

Who left

 

Two guys talkin’

And partly balkin’

Wherever Boob’s going

He went the wrong way

 

Moon River

This plot is oh so bad

Definitively sad

God knows

 

I’d pay a schmo 10 grand

To ram this swill

In a huckleberry tree

Waitin’ to be free

Moon River and me

 

And what in the name of Outdoor advertising is behind Mickey Dolenz? Nice of him to show up at Mimi’s with a Kinks mop but the focus is on Mrs. Hulk with her soon-to-be-nominated-for-the-Freak-Hands-Hall-of-Fame mitts. I can’t imagine any other reason than she is talking on her cell phone, not too many people look that cheery scratching the skin off their face because they forgot their Clearasil or the Wizard of Id afflicted her with psoriasis because she said his wife had boobs like pumpkins.

“Mimi, I don’t mean to complain about the turtle soup but do you have any Roach-pruf behind the counter?”

ZZZZZAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPP

Ribbit, ribbit

 

“…Holly Golightly eating stale French bread with mold on it with spaghetti made out of Nike shoe strings because the front man forgot to order Contadina noodles?”

“Gil, I think you better go meet Marty at The Bucket. You’re ruining business.”

 

So then we go to P2 where Gil really hams up his role, even if his point is well-taken. Then again, why go the Sharp-Dressed Man route when you knew who you were going to speak with? ZZ Top didn’t make the video so you could look like a stud with those 3 women who keep appearing and disappearing talking to Napoleon. Especially when he lost half of Russia and is about to approach Waterloo in another day. Gil, the rest of us dress semi-formal to be with our friends, not emphasize a point with both your hands as if you’re performing the Charleston sitting down, waiting for your Cerdo Ensalada y Frijoles, to Ivan Boesky. You don’t notice the 3 women not anywhere around? No, they’re not in the kitchen with Mimi preparing the children’s menu (“…no, just put one can of Spoaghetti O’s in the Fred Flintstones Chicken Pot Pie Surprise…”) . They only shake and bake when you look studly AND have some decency. You are the company you keep, Coach Thorp. Right now, your company is twisting your logic tighter than the pretzels on Mimi’s buffet table.

 

Today’s Women’s History Month entry goes to Betty White. I have ALWAYS loved her humor. Many comedians and comediennes emote to get laughs. Not Betty. She is pretty damn funny. Her career has spanned 80 years and still going strong at 97 years old(!). She has won 8 Emmy awards, 3 Comedy awards, 3 Screen Actors Guild awards and a Grammy. She was producing shows in a male-dominated field and did it with such aplomb that you knew entertainment was a calling for her. You factor in the comedy shows she was in, “The Mary Tyler Moore Show”, “Golden Girls”, and “Hot-in Cleveland”, and the fact that they have been considered in the Top 100 of a lot of comedy lists and it’s easy to see why I respect her craft. Please join me in saluting someone who has made a difference in the world of comedy and television in general.

 

Moon River

Constipated tale

Basketball has failed

Blown dunk

 

We need relief from death

We lost ground

Bored until we’re brown

Huckleberry Hound

Moves faster than this

 

And then there’s the North by Northwest shot. If you’re eating dinner, such as Mimi’s Chicken and Dumplings marinaded in French Onion Soup, you might not want to scope to intently in P3. Some of you have stomachs stronger than Kaz pumpin’ iron at the gym but the rest of us better go back and see if Mrs. Hulk can maneuver her spoon dishing up Mimi’s hand-scooped French Silk Ice Cream.

 

Gang, go to it. We are getting a reenactment today of what happened when America negotiated with Stalin at Yalta. We at least kept West Berlin. Watch your back side walking out of Mimi’s, Gil. The knives are still on the table and you weren’t talking with Golightly about her day today.

 

“Gil, where are you going in your Birthday Suit?”

“Sorry, Dr. Pearl, we blew a late lead last game. Gonna shore up on the free throws. Where are you going?”

“I heard the Milford Nudist Colony was holding a yard sale. I need a table lamp for my office.”

 

“…Huckleberry friend

Moon, Gilbert, and meeeeeeeeeee.”

March 6, 2019

Just Who Owes Who?

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Hey kids, guess what? I stumbled across some rare footage of Gil and Marty commuting to and from work! Here ’tis:

That would seem to be the dynamic at work here, but I suspect Gil doesn’t see it as so two-sided.  Since he is clearly of the opinion that he singlehandedly pulled Marty’s frijoles from the fire last basketball season, he likely believes he doesn’t owe Marty squat. That said he does recognize the need for Marty in his world, and acknowledged as much to WDIG’s station manager in a previous Kaffeeklatsch.

Still I imagine we’ll soon be treated to some version of “no, you still owe me, and B/Robby would’ve found a way to hang himself by his own rope with or without you.” Then it’s time to see how Mike Fillion self-medicated came out of his depression enough in time for baseball season.

metapost: Since tdrew and I swapped Wednesday and Thursday posts a while back, I’ve missed out on Rock ‘n Roll Thursdays. I want to interject a bit and light a candle for Sara Romweber, who lost her battle with cancer a few days ago. Sara laid down the beats for Mitch Easter’s jangle-pop in Let’s Active, and later formed Snatches of Pink and teamed up with her brother Dexter, previously with Flat Duo Jets, as a duo of their own. The Romweber kids played a part in the formative years of my musical tastes, and Sara’s passing comes as a reminder of my own mortality. So here, then, a musical candle.

February 23, 2019

Now a sensible man, by and by a fool, and presently a beast.

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Riddle me this, TWIMers: Is this our first visit to Barney’s Pub? It’s not one of Del Bader’s old watering holes, like Selasky’s Supper Club, is it? Did it take over the Coffee Cantina’s space, or did they just steal the CC’s plates? Something about the place seems a little off-kilter, like the nacho salad with ketchup and the idea of Marty Moon drinking in public rather than in the lonesome misery of his own four walls.

That’s what’s off – not just Marty’s public drinking but his choice of beverage. He’s been shown to be a Johnnie Walker man on more than one occasion. He’s also shown a historic callousness to the feelings of others, not caring who he pisses off as long as it’s good radio. That’s why I read his greeting to the ladies as a dig, especially at Mimi. Everybody’s been ignoring the Lady Mudlarks, so why shouldn’t Marty? Hell, he’s already mentally moved on even as Marjie Lite fires a lame retort. Look at the thousand yard stare on Evil Spock’s puss.

That said I expect Mimi, Peggy & co. will pull Marty back to reality over the next several strips, by pointing out that it’s not just them who’ve been ignoring him but WDIG listeners generally. They’ve come for the B/Robby Howry show and Marty is just old and in the way. That, and station manager LBJ’s diming B/Robby out for throwing broad hints at wanting Marty’s job, will be the straw that breaks the lush’s back. It’ll be Marty who runs B/Robby out of town on a rail, sparing the Coaches Thorp any dirty work and letting their players and ex-players remain squeaky clean.

Special Guest Cameo: Looks like Richard Moll is passing through Milford and has dropped in to knock back a frosty mug.

Apologies for the lateness of the post. I’ve been on a brief hiatus and my timing’s a bit off. That’s what spring training’s for, isn’t it? Inspiration for today’s post title, if not the name of this latest Milford watering hole:

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