This Week in Milford

September 22, 2021


So much for that breather! The Mudlarks slow things down so much that night turned into day. Milford scores 13 more points after switching from the vaunted Delaware Wing-T and hangs half a hundred on Oakwood. It’s a wonder Tod Andrews (that is Tod, innit?) isn’t giving Gil a piece of his mind for running up the score on his hapless Owls.

Up in his crate, Evil Spock Marty gleefully calls the game. No doubt he believes Marjie Ducey’s departure to warmer pastures has cemented Milford’s status as his town. Marty had better keep his head on a swivel, though, since Heather Burns is on the scene quicker than you can tweet #radioisadyingmedium.

Heather’s thumbs are quicker than Marty’s lungs, and her approach to sports reporting is fresher than Shane Beamer’s postgame presser after the Georgia-South Carolina game. She’s got no time for Gil’s old man football coachspeak; she’s off to track down the man of the hour, Chance “Don’t Call Me Blowtop” Macy, and give him a squeeze.

Careful where you grab Chance, Heather: five years’ age difference might not mean much to the cruisers at Barney’s Pub (speaking of Evil Spock Marty) but when it’s a recent high school graduate and a high school senior, well, let’s just say it’s not always looked upon kindly.

September 20, 2021

Call It Milford Blue

Filed under: actual action, Colorist Error, football, Oakwood — nedryerson @ 3:20 am

More Oakwood action!

Tevin Claxton’s throwing motion looks a little odd. The Milford helmet behind him is also odd. It turned Oakwood Blue. I guess someone defected because they didn’t like sloppy joes and cleaning up after massive bonfires (of inanity).

As Gil predicted, it’s turning into the Chance Macy Show. He’s got a receiving touchdown and is breaking loose for a long punt return. It’s probably a score, but we’ll find out more tomorrow.

This blistering pace is wearing me out. I think I’ll go back to bed.

September 8, 2021

Two Digs for the Price of One

So yeah, these mooks were on the JV last year. Tevin got a case of the yips on more than one occasion and cost them… something. Second place in the Valley JV conference, prolly. It might not have entirely been Tevin’s fault, since Boyd Spiller might have thrown a few lookout blocks at key moments. Tevin might not let him forget it, either, as he jerks a thumb in Boyd’s direction. At least I think that’s supposed to be Tevin’s thumb; why would Boyd insult himself? Shades of old Eight Elbows and Jaquan Case here. Anyhoo, I expect old Gordon will be keeping tabs on the beady-eyed Spiller, who seems like the kind of guy who’d get fragged by his own troops.

On to the volleyball court where Kianna Bello lays out a dig. Let’s see if her gymnastics talents come into play here. Or not.

Added new category: Colorist Error. May attempt to apply it retroactively to the summer arc and the miscolored Bemidji State rain jacket.

August 21, 2021

I Love Ducey

Now’s the time all America waits for; that one evening each week where we all sit down to watch the latest hijinks from American’s favorite wacky redhead sports reporter. Wacky… redhead… sports… reporter…

Wait, what?

Okay, Whigham, start ‘splainin’.* As for the rest of you gentle readers, why do you suppose Marjie’s a redhead today?

  1. She noticed John Jawor had dyed his hair yesterday and didn’t want him to feel self-conscious so she dyed hers in solidarity.
  2. She’s going to cosplay as Velma Dinkley at Central City Comic-Con this coming weekend.
  3. The Milford Star has a one-blonde-per-staff quota and since Heather Burns has all but gone through new hire orientation, Marjie got the hint that she’s old news.

You know, maybe it is time for new blood at the Star. When your sports reporter starts writing on her laptop screen with a ballpoint pen, you gotta think she might no longer be the sharpest knife in the drawer. When all she can do is regurgitate the lists of player names Gil spouts to her, someone who knows how to use the Google is at the next level. When she dares contradict the all-powerful Gil Thorp when he wants to publicly shame a small-time golf hustler, she might want to polish up that résumé.

Tune in next week when Heather Burns spruces up her new desk in the Star newsroom while a mysterious redhead applies for a night shift waitressing job at Janet’s Diner. When Maureen asks, “Hey, hon, you look familiar. What’s your name?” the mysterious redhead replies “Margo. Margo Duchesne.”

*Contrary to popular belief, Desi never said to Lucy “you got some ‘splainin’ to do!”

August 16, 2021

Cart Carson Is Less Than Zero

The impressive Heather Burns has cracked the case. It was Carter Hendricks’ blue orange green-and-white “rain top” that gave it away! (Um Heather, in the Thorpoverse, colors change all the time. In the previous strip, your striped shirt had one color and Gil was wearing red. You owe Mimi an apology!)

Heather must have found some BSU team photos if she’s so sure that Carter Hendricks is Carson Hendry, who won two conference gold championships with the Bemidji State Beaver’s golf team. BSU plays in the Northern Sun Intercollegiate Conference, so they competed against the likes of Concordia-St Paul and Minot State in North Dakota!

Carson Hendry has been knocking around for the last 15 years as a professional golfer! His handicap, as last recorded on Heather’s source for all pro golfer data was a -1. OMG! That’s better than scratch, says Gil! Very astute, Gil. Yes that;s how that works. A scratch golfer has a zero handicap. -1 is less than zero, so it is better than scratch. You’re really good at this, Gil. Get yourself a cookie and change your shirt again.

August 6, 2021

Yeah I got questions

Filed under: actual action, Colorist Error, Gil Thorp, golf, Heather Burns — robmize2013 @ 8:42 pm

Well I had a better week then the Cubs as I visited Denver and the surrounding area this past week, enjoying all the mountain views and driving the winding roads that define Colorado. In a 7 week span I went to 5 states, and all 3 trips were enjoyable in their own way.

I’m glad the golf round is also over, as they spared us some nonsense about someone walking in and playing good golf, as theyve done in the past. In reviewing the weeks strips, I noticed some oddities:

  1. Carter drives up in a cart with his clubs on it, then walks 18 carrying his bag. I never saw that before. When you walk, you either have a pullcart or carry your bag. Where the fuck did he leave the cart??
  2. Carter starts with a red shirt on, then it changes to pink and Gil wears red. And the guy in red sure doesnt look like Gil on Wednesday.
  3. All 3 of them carry their bags, a bit unusual as almost every girl I ever saw walk took a pullcart. Just sayin..
  4. The rain comes and theyre prepared with raingear, not unusual, but then they STAND in the rain without so much as grabbing an umbrella? When we stop playing in a rain delay we’re either under a canopy or in our carts under a tree. These mopes do neither.
  5. Heather sees ominous rain clouds, Carter sees nothing. Hard to buy that one Cart. By the way, never heard of anyone nicknamed Cart.
  6. And after the round Gil is back in red while Cart conveniently dissappears. Why doesnt he stick around for postround drinks like normal people?
  7. Heather has a wallet? All girls I know have a purse, and never say they have a wallet.

And Gil gives a tease for Saturday as he’s gonna check something. Dont tell me Carter snuck some cash outa his wallet during the rain delay. Ha! Cart, you sneaky sob.

August 5, 2021

If The BS Fits, Wear It.

Filed under: Colorist Error, Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:45 pm

Surely you Fernwood junkies (RIP, Fred Willard, you were HILARIOUS) remember that Fernwood 2 Night was on the UBS channel where the motto was “We put the U in the BS”. Well, the only difference between that and today’s BS is the U is at the end of the BS. And I don’t mean Bass String, let me clarify once and for all.

We are perhaps uncovering Carter “It’s B for short” Kendricks seamier side, not that anyone was totally shocked. Damn, I meant to give this Bass String jacket to some Milford Skid Row bum. How’d it wind up in fhe beer cooler? I reached for a Bud and got more than U in THIS BS. Such is life. And this emery board? Sometimes I tone my nails when we’re waiting for the foursome ahead of us to finish their hole. And I use the Vaseline for a better grip on the club. Any advantage to addressing the ball I will use at my disposal. The only doctoring I know of would be when I see my chiropractor. So will we trudge through all of August to have Gil inadvertently stumble across a jar of IcyHot that Carter left in his BS jacket that fell out of his jacket when Mr. B was bending down to mark his ball on September 1st? What’s going to happen in the MEANTIME???? Juiced Titleists that get on the green in 2 on a par 5? BS jackets and Ben Gay under the desk of the golf pro? You have unique ways of hustling your money, Mr. B.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“UBS And WDIG-TV In A Heated Battle For Broadcasting Rights Of Milford Parks & Recreation Adult Flag Football League Championship Game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J.: ‘This will bring championship football into everybody’s living room. I hope we get this settled before the coin flip.”

Oh, I’m sure after one scuffed golf ball too many, Gil or somebody else but more than likely Gil will say enough is enough, you’ve cheated Heather out of house and home, now take your doctored balls and go BS your game in some other strip like Dick Tracy. Go screw Flat Top and The Mole out of their checkbook and let Heather concentrate on getting a career since coaching under me, well, you saw what happened to Tod Andrews.

But we interreupt this BS to get to the most unlikely scenario wou will EVER see in a Gil Thorp strip, Gil and a flunky close to Gil in a LESS FILLING-TASTES GREAT dichotomy. A difference in opinion on weather perception is brewing into a taut relationship between Gil and Heather and it doesn’t sound very amicable.

“Well, I read the Milford Enquirer because the Milford Star wouldn’t know a weather report from one of Marjie’s crawl spaces and the Enquirer said it was supposed to be clear and sunshiney. Plus, I’m Gil and when I say it’s not going to rain, it’s not going to rain and it better not rain if the weather front knows what’s good for it.”

“All I know, O Holy Gil, is I see a big black cloud the size of Uranus looming on the horizon and if you don’t get your ass to the clubhouse, you’re going to have more than BS dumped on your head.”

But this is a friendly match so let’s just keep it that way. Let’s get through the storm and when it’s done, no hard feelings or lost wagers.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Gil Takes Issue With UBS Reporter!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I never said that Carter is a low-down snake with morals of a gecko. I said he was a snake who just got his insurance canceled from GEICO. Set the record straight.”

Oh, but if Gil is like The Fonz and can’t say the W word (he was wrong, in other words) , Gil is evidently smart enough to have rain gear stashed away in his golf bag. Bravo, Gil.

Then I look at what’s inside his golf bag. And some are believeable, such as a driver and putter, then some I wonder what junkyard he’s been frequenting lately. Gil, I know you have a fetish for rebars but that’s no reason to stuff them in with the rest of your golf equipment. And would you mind leaving the rest of your plumbing at home? What did you do, wrench the pipe out and pour Liquid Plumber down the same, then stick it in your golf bag when you lost track of the time and forgot about your date with destiny with the BS Guy? Took your plumbing along on the fly? There’s more items you pour down the sink with than what you get on the greens with. Gil, I hate to break it to you but you never putt with the toilet plunger handle or a crowbar.

And is Heather ribble rabble rubble (WRONG) too? Oh my goodness, this is too much to take, The Fonz, Gil, and Heather ribble rabble rubble all in one week. And they couldn’t have found a worse time for the W word to rear its ugly head. Loan sharks or golf sharks are still sharks and nobody wants to be ribble rabble rubble when a shark is coming straight at them when they are lying on a raft soaking in the sun and are several feet away from the beach. Like what would Heather do if there’s no University of Iowa parka in her golf bag, pony up stakes on a jacket if she wins the hole? Wow, nice putt from 153 feet, Heather, you win my BS jacket. Amazing how some perform when a lot is on the line.

“Gil, that remark you made with one of your players was inexcusable. Calling him, and I quote ‘a candy-ass donkey who couldn’t even tackle his girlfriend’ was not the educational experience we promote here at Milford High School.”

“Am I getting you straight, Dr. Pearl? You’re saying I am ribble rabble rubble? Because the last person to say that wound up in the Gulag Archipelago.”

And nice butt shot of Heather in P2. If she doesn’t have the jacket for which she is desperately craving, the crotch shot is going to get wetter. That’s comforting to know, I didn’t lose my butt to a gecko who wears his BS all over his wardrobe but it’s soaked more than Gil at MCC Lounge Happy Hour. I guess there’s trade-offs to everything. And what was the purpose of Gil bringing Heather along to play golf with a shark? No, Mr. Shark, I brought her along to show you that given Free Will, she does not have to stake her house on the line to enjoy a friendly round on the back nine. I don’t care how many times Gil brings Heather or brings Beaver Cleaver or Wee Pals next time, I’m still not advising any of them to stick their toe in the water to see if BS the Shark is going to nibble.

“Ward, how did Beaver lose his right foot?”

“I don’t know, June, I’ll ask him at dinner.”

The truth is gradually surfacing in P3. Anyone by this point who thinks that some Latino from Tijuana snuck over the border and got that BS jacket from the dumpster at the Qdoba Grill in Yuma and then hitchhiked and bummed a ride off a Greyhound until he got to Milford then planted the jacket in The Shark’s golf bag must have been snorting the garbage bags at that same Qdoba location.

And that’s what’s presumptuous about Thorpiverse, having us believe that that’s exactly what happened. Oh, Gil will check the Greyhound schedule eventually and read right through this one but until then, the jury is still out on the status of the origin of the whereabouts of the jacket or the BS but the BS won’t have a receipt attached to it. And we’re not crazy about investigating anyway. BS, like proof, better end somewhere. We can always get our money bsck with the jacket.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“UBS To Broadcast All Milford Mudlark Girls Basketball Games This Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Thorp: ‘We agreed to an option on the 6th game which sweetened the deal for both parties’.”

“And we’ll be back for the conclusion of the Annual Milford City Golf Tournament after these messages and hopefully Carter finds his shirt by then. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

At the Milford Mall Food Court, Gil slips a cassette into the stereo provided by the mall and attempts to do karaoke. The selection is “Let Us Cling Together” by Queen

“…the same moon shines

the same wind blows

For both of us, but time is but a paper moon

Be not gone

Let us cling together as the years go by

Oh my love

My love

In the quiet of the night

Let our candle always burn

Let us never lose the lessons we have learned”

At the Milford Swiss Colony, where Mimi is shopping for specialty cheeses from the SchatzAlpen region of the nation, Keri approaches her

“Mommy, Daddy’s up on stage singing. He doesn’t sing very well.”

“WHAT???? Where is he?”

“In the middle of the mall.”

Mimi and Jaime and Keri rush to the Food Court for the pending disaster

“…Chukka bukka loomah

Crappa freem ding dong-“

“Mommy, what is he speaking? I don’t understand it.”

“I think he’s trying to speak Japanese but failing miserably. GIL, you’re embarrassing the kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get off stage and let’s talk about this!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“…a new life grows

The blossom knows

There’s no one else could warm my heart as much as you

Be not gone

Let us cling together-“

“Mommy, why does Daddy grab his wee wee every time he speaks Japanese?”

“GIL, I wanted you to be open with your sexual feelings, but I didn’t mean it this way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“…Stinky Sho Suzuki

Boola Clunk Stink Stank

Noh Fart Plump King Kong…”

“I’m going to get on stage and shake my butt just like Daddy’s doing!!!!!!! He’s really getting those old ladies going in the front row!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Jaime!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t you dare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GIL, with vaccination sites set up by Milford Men’s Clinic at Milford General Hospital, we can cure your ED and there’d be no need for this travesty!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“When I’m gone

They’ll say we’re all wrong and we don’t understand…”

Gil mercifully ends the pomposity and steps off stage to embrace Mimi

“Wasn’t I wonderful? I’ll be singing ‘Tie Your Mother Down’ next.”

One of the old ladies comes up to Gil

“Oh, Mr. Thorp, how long did it take to stuff that potato you were clutching?”

“I found I didn’t have to be a Rock star to get you sexually energized. And you can bet your next album from Freddy Mercury that I’ll be there tomorrow at Milford General to get vaccinated from sexual impotency. With proven treatments that work, Milford Men’s Clinic can make make you say ‘We Are The Champions’ and say it loud and clear. Come get your vaccination today and get your sex life with your Best Friend back to where it belongs.”

At the Milford Nudist Colony Audition for Yes, Nudes Have Talent Night

“…Flunkee Zinky Wah Wah

Soupy Sales Tom Tom

Krud Mishdish Tokyo….”

“Thank you, Mr. Thorp. We’ll call.”

In Gil’s office

“Gil, that play won’t work!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Kaz, are you saying I’m ribble rabble rubble?”

August 12, 2017

Killin’, Wishin’, Hopin’


I’m not gonna engage in mental gymnastics today beyond guessing what Jaquan has backward is that he wishes Heather (or Trey, or Pelwecki, or someone) would tell him they wished he coached basketball.

There’s been too much suspension of disbelief required to hang with this summer plot. An NBA star rehabs an injury under the supervision of one of his old high school opponents, in a gym he converted from his parents’ old house?  That old opponent is now some kind of master trainer with more than one client? The ex-soccer player, ex-undersized tight end is now a coaching genius? The greasy-haired big lunk lineman is suddenly gonna turn into a skilled ball carrier/receiver? The greasy-haired big lunk lineman’s regular-season coaches are gonna note this and give him touches (but not like the touches the coaching genius has been giving him)? Stop this crazy train, I wanna get off.

What I do find remotely plausible is that Jaquan wants to coach. We’ve heard nothing about his NBA career post-draft. Even after donning a hoodie in the middle of summer, he’s drawn only the attention of the cook at Janet’s Diner (via the waitress who looks like Claude Akins). Maybe he’s not the superstar we’ve been led to believe and has just been eking out a living on a string of 10-day contracts between stints in the D-League. Maybe he’s seen enough of how Gil skates by in Milford to want a taste of that life. Maybe I’ve run out of theories and just wish Herk the Mauler would show up again.

metapost: Even as I try to get back into the habit of posting the B&W version of the strip, it’s been pointed out to me that the color version contains a fairly egregious error.


Musical inspiration for the post title:

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