This Week in Milford

August 8, 2018

Golf Plot At OK Corral

Filed under: comic crossovers, general nonsense, golf, Just plain sad — tdrewhardin @ 3:19 pm

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This is getting ridiculously easy to pick apart. We didn’t know who the Dalton Gang was before, we only had clues such as Gunfighting Ethics (“Don’t point that Colt .45 at a woman!!!!!!!!!) or MAYBE locations where they were playing and evidently winning like Pine Ridge CC, BUT WE DO NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! And you gotta be kidding me. I was expecting macho hunks that Little Joe and Hoss would be engaging in war with behind a boulder as big as an elephant or in the kitchen at the Ponderosa ranch. Can’t let ’em steal the microwave, can we, Mr. Cartwright (“Don’t let ’em get the Tupperware!!!!!!!!)?

But nooooooooooooo, these assholes are no worse than what you’d see Greg and Peter and Bobby fighting in the neighborhood on The Brady Bunch or Alfalfa and Spanky and Buckwheat would take on to defend Darla’s honor. If we’re going to endure a bad golf plot in the month of August, damn, Thorpiverse, can we upgrade the villainry? Bart Simpson could waylay these guys with his Butterfingers bar. Heck, the Cartwrights could potty-train these guys.

And then there’s P1. No, no, say it ain’t so, Thorpiverse. Please don’t tell me I’m seeing Wilson Casey with Third Degree Plumber’s Butt. I am really trying to close my eyes and imagine Wilson wearing Jack Nicklaus Haggar slacks and spiffy Arrow golf shirt topped by the sporty golf shoes that earned Nicklaus the moniker “The Golden Bear”. But I open my eyes and I see The Golden Butt in the worst putting stance wearing his gym clothes that he dragged from the lost-and-found hamper in the locker room at Milford High School gym. He’s just roadkill for these jerks who were jerks in their mother’s uterus during gestation. You simply don’t fight Ike Clanton with a water pistol.

And who’s this third guy? Ed McMahon? Just laughs at all their jokes even when they’re not even remotely funny? He just tags along and encourages them to make fun of Wilson and Tony, flout cell phone rules, and tag along in the rear when they’re about to tee off? What a life. Boy, THIS plot’s getting off to a roaring start. And to think we’re just weeks away from football. We only have basically 3 weeks of ineptitude to work in. Can I get him to go get me the $5 Lunch Bucket Brigade? I’ll give him a 10 and he can keep the change.

 

A Duluth Trading Company commercial late at night on The Milford Family Channel

“How to fix Plumber’s Butt:

Step 1: Identify the problem.

‘Man, Dude, I could take putting practice in that thing. You’re a human sand trap!!!!!’

Step 2: Remove those god-awful articles of clothing. Do it in the woods as there are ladies present. Use Off!!!! Spray if you need to and watch the raccoons.

Step 3: Put on Duluth Long Tail T-Shirt and Shorts. Put on Duluth Trading Boxer Shorts first to keep plot on schedule. We don’t want emergency changes in the woods on August 31st.

Step 4: Double-check your work.

‘Ooooooooooooooo, he’s so sexy looking in that Long Tail T!!!!!!!!!!!!! And his butt isn’t dragging along the fairways!!!!!!!!!!!’  ‘Yeah, wish I could say the same for the plot!!!!!!!!’

Problem solved.

 

If ya wore the same clothes to fix yore U-pipe underneath yore sink, proudly displaying yore Grand Canyon to the world, that ya yore later that afternoon when ya knocked in a hole-in-one, with Gil ‘n’ Kaz ‘n’ a Notary serving as witnesses, ya might be a redneck.

 

Additions to the survey that a person receives when they eat at The Bucket

 

Did you order items from the Dollar Menu?  1) Yes  2) No  3) Aren’t all items at The Bucket dollar items?

What did you order?

Bucket Bitty Burger

Bucket Burrito

Bucket Biscuit w/Sausage

Bucket Biscuit w/Hot Cakes

Bucket Biscuit w/Lollipop

Bucket Chicken Sandwich

Bucket o’ Ribs

Bucket o’ Ribs Marinaded in Jack Daniels Straight

Bucket o’ Ribs Marinaded in Jack Daniels Straight w/Hot Cakes

Bucket o’ Ribs Marinaded in Jack Daniels Straight w/ Hot Cakes and Chaser

 

Rate the cleanliness of the rest rooms  1) Before I got diarrhea from the Lousiana Lightnin’ Sauce on the Bucket o’ Ribs?  2) Somewhat Unclean  3) Neither Clean nor Unclean  4) Somewhat Clean  5) Very Clean

I had to use the Time-Out Table because I said the Bucket Con Carne looked like something Mr. Ed would consume out of his pail  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Disagree

Did you use drive-thru?  1) Yes  2) No  3) I would have used drive-thru but my car got repossessed by Milford Finance

How fast was drive-thru?  1) Very Slow  2) Somewhat Slow  3) Neither Fast nor Slow  4) Somewhat Fast  5) Checker Flag at Pick-Up

Rate the friendliness of drive-thru staff  1) Very Unfriendly  2) Somewhat Unfriendly  3) n/a-cashier had to take a dump  4) Somewhat Friendly  5) Like Mr. Green Jeans was taking your order

 

Due to overwhelming popularity with Buy One Liver Cheeseburger and Bucket Fries Combo, Get One Free, we are adding a Bucket Road Ice Cream Float to order to express our appreciation to our great customers and to address complaints of Liver Cheese breath by some of our customers. We apologize for any inconvenience.

 

Then there’s Mutt and Jeff. Insulting my hobby (LOVE to collect old comic strips) aside, let’s just call these jerks…Mutt and Jeff. Why not? They pretty well wrote their own script on this one and will have a hard time getting out of this plot(darn the luck). Can anyone be possibly be taking these losers seriously? Yeah, they shoot a few shots at our heroes but there is NO WAY this is Spike Lee vs. Reggie Miller trash talk proportions. My Man Reggie would shrug off these children and keep shooting 3 after 3. Let THESE guys get in your head? Said another way, let Mutt and Jeff get in your head? If Reggie could shake off Spike, he could shake off Dagwood and Barney Google. Come up with spicier attitudes than that, Thorpiverse.

And I’m not EVEN going to comment on P3. Are Mutt and Jeff going to tell Wilson tomorrow when Wilson is hanging his head “You’re mother drives a pickle wagon?” “Your mother wears army boots?” “Your mother eats Mike and Ike Candy”. Yeah, goin’ for the throat, Mutt and Jeff. You’ve really reached new lows. McMahon’s really laughing his ass off when he’s not lapping your behinds in P2.

 

“And here at BlackthorneSt.FabiansPineRidgeAleutianIslands CC, Wilson has dug himself out of the sand trap and scored an eagle, no thanks to Coach T’s coaching. Stick to coaching your kids. We’ll be right back after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“I FEEL LIKE TAKING ALL MY CLOTHES OFF, DANCING TO THE RITE OF SPRING, WHEN I WOULDN’T NORMALLY DO THIS KIND OF THING!!!!!!!!!”

Coach Kaz opens the door to Gil’s office.

Gil is discoing in his Duluth Trading Company boxers. He slams off the jam box.

“Whoooaaaaaa, Gil, I’ll just comer back later.”

“No, no, Kaz, whattya need?”

“Uh, another coach called for Moose. Do you wanna fax his stats?”

“Yeah, but you’re going to have to use Dr. Pearl’s office. Mine’s down again.”

“Sure, sure, I completely understand. I think I have everything in his file.”

“Wait, you might need his SAT scores. I have them in that file cabinet over there.”

“Nahhhh, I think Dr. Pearl has them in her desk and I can get the key from Luhm. You go on and trip the light fantastic.”

“You won’t tell anyone, will you?”

“Who would I tell?”

Gil is stuck for an answer. He can’t ask the audience on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?”

“BTW, did you go to The Bucket and have the Liver Cheeseburger again?”

 

“I had to confront my Erectile Dysfunction problem once and for all. I was having trouble pumping up for Mimi and was resorting to desperate measures. It was embarrassing having to explain to Coach Kaz my position. But he rewarded my coming out of the closet by resteering me to the Milford Men’s Clinic. With treatment programs that work, I can do my best imitation of John Travolta at the Milford Elks Club without worrying about getting the battery charged. And Mimi’s fun in bed too. I can get it on in both places. You can too. Come get that Disco Inferno at the Milford Men’s Clinic today.

 

Gang, go to it. Great comments yesterday and if you’ll help nail Mutt and Jeff to the wall, it would be mucho apreciado.

 

“Do you want a hot apple pie or 3 cookies for a dollar with your Liver Cheeseburger and Bucket Fries Combo?”

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August 24, 2016

Commenter Appreciation Day

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, comic crossovers — timbuys @ 6:53 am

I still got nuthin’ to say about this stuff. If you want true excitement when it comes to teens, alcohol, driving and death, check out Judge Parker

8/23/16082316jp

8/24/16jp082416

Now that is some exciting, if also nonsensical, stuff!

Meanwhile, in Milford (Central City?) we have the following:

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Sorry, folks, but I can’t work with this. I hope you enjoyed two days of the Judge though!

March 28, 2014

Get Clumsy

Filed under: bizarre cameos, comic crossovers, freak hands, Gil Thorp — teenchy @ 11:29 am

March 28, 2014

gil032814

Holy crap! Is that Sarah Morgan, precocious offspring of Rex Morgan, M.D. and his wife, ex-Patrick Nagel model June, making a cameo in Panel 1?  Did she get so rich off that book deal that she had herself declared an emancipated minor and split that scene, only to land in Milford? She might as well make the best of it at Schultz’s Polynesian Garden and slurp down some noodles using the chopsticks she holds in her giant adult hands!

Widdle Sawah breaks the fourth wall today, inviting us to witness Clumsy Amy Lange awkwardly introduce herself to Lucky, who changes back from root beer brunet to blond and back to brunet again in his excitement. He’s not even dripping in Panel 1, so maybe that’s the sweat of anticipation in Panel 2.

Could Clumsy Amy and Lucky be the Milford couple of the spring? As billytheskink put it yesterday:

Lucky and Clumsy
Milford High’s new item?
Destruction awaits

Has anybody figured out who Clumsy Amy’s face model might be?

 

November 8, 2011

Also OK: The finest Plurbing shop in town.

11/5/11

First, I guess it’s pretty cutting edge to use the word ‘tard in a newspaper comic. Perhaps Rubin told his 85-year-old comics editor it was short for leotard.
Second, way to stand up for yourself, little buddy.
Third, oh great Derek’s on your side. Gosh, I sure hope Derek thinks you’re OK. His opinion really matters to me.

11/7/11

“I know this kid just stood up for himself, but that part doesn’t matter. His self-esteem and budding social skills are way less important than my opinion as a popular yet injured kid. And whatever I say is OK goes. So, Brody is OK, OK?”

Later:
“Do you think Brody is OK, jerk kid, (son of jerk dad)?”
“Sure. the cool kid said he’s OK, so, OK, he’s OK. But you know what’s not OK? You invading my personal space, weird blond sidekick kid. OK?”
“OK.”

11/8/11

Hey great, instead of a series of boring-as-hell comics, we’ve gotten a completely confusing-as-hell comic! So, who the hell is Junior Bobcat talking about in the first panel? And what the hell are Senior Bobcat and Deke the Snitch talking about? Dissension? Threats? Whatever that’s all about, it sounds a whole lot more interesting than anything we’ve been seeing. Maybe Deke wandered over to Mark Trail and is trying to spice things up by providing plot points from a punchier, less yawn-inducing comic.

The only mystery solved today is how Maris made his money: Plurbing. It’s all about the plurbing in this town.

October 8, 2011

The Shroud Of The Wildcat Has Fallen. Begun, This Snoozefest Has.

Filed under: comic crossovers, freak hands, Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots, Uncategorized — nedryerson @ 8:58 am

10/7/11

“Do something about this kicking game, we must.”
“Why are you talking like that?”
“A Yoda thing, I am trying. Like it, do you?”
“Yeah. Hey thanks for your input. Look I gotta get somebody to explain Craig’s List to me. I think I’ll try to find a kicker on that. Then I’ll see if I can rent the movie Necessary Roughness. There was something in there about finding a hot chick to kick a ball.”
“There is no try…”
“Yeah, thanks Bill.”
“Wildcat, it is.”
“Okay, later I will smell you.”

Meanwhile, at Ed’s Diner…
10/8/11

Wildcat calls an impromptu meeting of his Booster inner circle. Soon, Gina the waitress will probably tell him to shut up because he’s disturbing the other diners with his blather. He’ll complain to Gina because everyone at the table has been nursing one cup of coffee and a couple bottles of Tabasco for an hour and a half.

“When I was captain of the Wildcats, I never waited for a refill!”
“Kiss my grits, Wildcat.”

Meanwhile, Gil stumbles aimlessly toward the next plot point with a lunch tray full of lunacy.

August 20, 2010

Edit-Yer-Own Comix Fun!

Filed under: comic crossovers, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots — jasbeattie @ 7:36 am

8/19/10

Carl Peake Neal Rubin sabotaged Kemper’s opponents another summer? Why?”
“Half a dozen reasons tee times, all of them ridiculous early…”
“He has twice the potential blood alcohol level of these other kids cartoonists. He just needs to break through quit writing this strip so that someone who has the potential to make it less crappy can take over.”
“How would you know about potential?”
“You clearly have no idea what golf  is supposed to be never read Marmaduke!”

(For more edit-yer-own comix, check out this summer o’ 2008 edition!)

8/20/10

Hey look: Carl Peake has just completed the first-ever one-day full-body genital exchange: He’s gone from total dick to complete pussy in just 24 hours!

April 26, 2010

Jocks, Tuck: Pricks

4/24/10

4/26/10

The lesson is, as always, high school students are pricks. The jocks are too dumb to realize that it’s the music geeks who get all the action, and the musicians think that just because Marty Moon and Andy Capp attended their most recent show that their band only attract alcoholic degenerate cartoon characters. (Well that’s actually true. And not a bad thing. )

But even so, that bass player is a Tuck-head. He thinks they had  sub-par show because he unwittingly spent the whole time facing the back wall.

March 27, 2010

Wak of Love

Filed under: actual action, comic crossovers, Exploding Eyeball Syndrome, freak hands — jasbeattie @ 10:43 am

So Steve takes a well deserved WAK! to the face for his smart-ass mouth and meddling ways. And Ray, being a distant cousin of Mark Trail, is inclined to punch anyone with suspicious facial hair. But even when being punched, Steve still has to be a jerk…defying the laws of physics by falling to the right from a punch to the right side of his mug. At least his glasses are with the program.

But then…someone with very nubby fingers comes to Steve’s rescue! Who could it be? While we’d all love to see Kaz get involved in fisticuffs, or possibly even Mr. Bakst or Clambake, money’s on Gil having finally stumbled in the door after knocking back a few at PUB then stopping off for some quick finger-shortening surgery.

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