This Week in Milford

November 17, 2022

Wait Until Mike Knapp Hears About This!

Filed under: Dr. Pearl, Gil Thorp, huge earrings, Keri Thorp, talking doors, Water Fountains — nedryerson @ 6:32 am

What a great opener, a water fountain and a talking door! The talking door indicates that Dr. Pearl will fold like a cheap suit and the “zero tolerance” policy on violence has some wiggle room. Why does Dr. Pearl owe Gil one? Did we miss the part where Gil raised hell about the shenanigans in Mr. Reddenbacher’s class during the “drill” that freaked Keri out in the first place? I don’t want to speculate on what other favors Gil might have done, but I guess they made it worth Dr. Pearl’s while to have to answer to Dorothy’s parents about why Keri “Clubber” Thorp is still attending MHS.

The Mandatory Counselor is certainly going to get an earful from Keri Thorp, and Keri’s gigantic gap of memory could be very troubling. I think Gil and Mimi should go along and Mandatory Counselor will cancel his contract with the Valley School System and move somewhere less fraught with dysfunction, like Beirut.

Yes, Keri, it’s fine…we’re all fine here now (pending input from Mimi). You’ve learned an important lesson from your dad, whose role model in half-assed parenting is Homer Simpson:

October 21, 2022

Friday night fever

Going camping this weekend to Coloma Michigan, so back in our old writers stomping grounds again. Thorp is really gonna sub for a French teacher?? Bou jour is about all I know, I took 3 years of Spanish.

Mon deu means My God. Dr. Pearl doesnt even wait for his answer, just throws it at him. My Spanish teachers never called in sick, but if they did, no way in hell could I look at my gym teacher who also coached football with a straight face.

Just have em study the next lesson on their laptops Gil, and the 45 minutes will be up before you can say Bon Vivant!

May 23, 2022

Glossing Over Continuity

Filed under: Dr. Pearl, Gil Thorp, What the hell is going on here? — nedryerson @ 3:27 pm

Who is Dr. Gloss and why did he put his name plate outside of Dr. Pearl’s door? Am I to believe that we just decide that Dr. Pearl isn’t Dr. Pearl anymore and that we can just make the decision that she’s Dr. Gloss now? Why not Dr. Bun or Dr. KeepMePosted. Pop quiz: Is Gregg’s mom named Daphne or Ruth? Do names even matter when we’re dealing with paper thin characters who could easily be replaced by animals that stare out of panel chewing on grass for all the difference it would make in telling an engaging or even coherent story.

Talk amongst yourselves. I don’t have any more thoughts for today.

March 2, 2022

Kaiser Gilhelm Steps Up

Man, check out the withered arm on Gil! Is he ready to be Emperor of Germany or what? Actually, his forearm looks to be appropriately sized, but his bicep has shriveled considerably. Must be hard keeping his arm still above the elbow while he shoots pocket pool. That, or all the blood in his arm has traveled to his super engorged hand.

Now that Dr. Pearl’s involved, Pardon My Pranit is just steps away from taking the express bus to Valley Modified. He should’ve gone there first to find his hired muscle.

What’s today’s lesson, gentle readers? All together now: “Always get the money up front before you place someone else’s bets.” Sheesh, what an amateur.

May 12, 2020

Peter Pan, An Ordinary Table Knife, And District Tomfoolery, Not Necessarily In That Order.

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At the District School Board meeting at Mudlark Lake Resort and Hadley V. Baxendale and Clarence Darrow representing The Mayor and William Jennings Bryan representing District Policy, a buzzword Dr. Pearl threw out one day when she was losing lines in the script and had to scramble for a reason why she should still be a part of the personnel at Milford High School and didn’t want to get bunked by Mr. Weatherbee who doesn’t confront Archie and Jughead with expulsion reports in triplicate

“The meeting will be called to order. The board recognizes the President of the Board, King Herod.”

 

Mister Mayor, it’s nice to meet you, we are finally in this room

We have heard much about you from the cradle to the tomb

And now your dietary artistry is presently on display

We’d love to watch you gulp a cow, at least that’s what you say

 

So if you are The Mayor

Yes, The Wonderful Mayor

Prove to us that you’re no fool

Eat the whole big brick high school

 

If you show it to us

Then we won’t cause a fuss

Come on, King of the ‘Larks

 

The exploding eye says it all. And who can blame him? Minutes before, he’s on the baseball field warming up and now he’s not only told to hand in his uniform but he can no longer enter the school because he’d be trespassing. Of course, Gil is trespassing because he does no coaching but so far he has not had to call Hadley V. Yet.

Why didn’t it surprise any of us? Dr. Gonzo was twiddling her thumbs like she had since the Renaissance and The Mayor was creative and disgusting in his choice of breakfast so it was just a matter of time before their paths would cross. You knew that when Dr. Gonzo showed up on the baseball diamond, it wasn’t to bring Z in the lineup to shut down the rally. I wouldn’t want Dr. Spock coming to the mound when I’m pitching, asking for the ball, fer sure.

“Dr. Pearl, you’re dressed like Devo. Is somebody getting Due Processed?”

 

Because I’m a little befuddled about pet stores selling animal vitamin supplements

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Fined Severely By The Milford City Works Council After Incident At Fire Hydrant.”

sub headline

“I knew I should have gone easy on the Ex-Lax with my poodle.”

 

And as long as we keep ringing up the charges, we might as well add carrying another concealed weapon, i.e., eyes that explode out of their socket. Boy, Dr. Pearl is having a field day today. She hasn’t warranted this much attention since she received Paper Pusher Lifetime Achievement Award from the Milford Kiwanis Club. Way to take charge, Dr. Gonzo. Your moment in the sun is fleeting and could disappear by the time Marty Moon hits the airwaves. Too bad you don’t have a sexy goatee on your chin or you might have bought some time. Maybe that explains why Marty never has to revert to sticking his cranium right back in his ass. Image is everything. Get the hint, Gonzo. Who sits at the bleachers at a ball game dressed like Granny Clampett in her space suit? No wonder why you’ll eventually have to return your beehive right back in its socket. What a career. Nailing a guy on threatening the hallways with his peanut butter knife and his pupils is the benchmark of an educational journey well-spent.

I remember in The Enforcer where Dirty Harry is interviewing potential police officers to roam the streets of San Francisco and Tyne Daly plays one of the candidates being interviewed. There’s a delegate from the City to monitor the interviews to make sure women candidates are given a fair shake. Harry’s final question is basically Harry is committing prostitution with this delegate and a donkey at Harry’s house and Harry asks the candidate what crime is being committed. She rattles off the correct interpretation, more than satisfying The Board’s (and Harry’s) question.

Ooooooookkkkkk, so at Dr. Pearl’soffice, Gil poses a question for The Mayor

“Okay, Aceves threatens to commit prostitution with Ms. Rizk and an elephant if you don’t start calling him Z but you retaliate by saying that if he has anal sex with Dumbo that you’ll blast him with your eyeballs and cut up Ms. Rizk with your Jif knife. Do you know what crime the District Policy charged you with?”

“That’s a felony under Milford School Handbook guidelines Section 8, Article 12, Clause 134 stating ‘No student is permitted to bring any animal on school premises and execute illicit, illegal, immoral, and questionable activity with said animal. Penalties could lead to up to and including expulsion. Prostitution with another teacher is a misdemeanor under Milford School Gu-”

“Yes, yes, acceptable answers, Mr. Krappy-”

KNAPP-uh

“Good answers, Mr. Krackerjack. We will inform you of the Disttrict Board’s decision on Tuesday. My beehive should be permed out of Milford Beauty Salon by then.”

 

You have a reputation, you amaze with your Thermos jug

You can swallow Trix and ale, then sweep it under the rug

Oh ho ho, we are waiting, yes, we are captive fans

We’re dyi g to be shown that you inhale grapes from a can

 

So, if you are The Mayor, yes, The Fabulous Mayor

Spread epoxy on your bread, you can do it on your head

If you show it to me, then we’ll let you go free

Come on, King of the ‘Larks

 

If ya shoot an 8-point with your eyeballs and ya can git around the Game Warden cuz ya shot it in the off-season but it didn’t involve any weapons, ya might be a redneck.

I wouldn’t to get on the bad side of Mrs. Krappy right about now. She’s throwing her whole FACE at Dr. Gonzo while Gonzo is showing us the proper positioning were she sitting in her personal loo. Thank God, she’s not wiping her butt in the scheme of things. I wouldn’t even be squeezing the Charmin.

And what’s adding crap to Charmin is that the wind has been taken out of The Mayor’s sails and who can blame him? I’ll admit he was a fly in your ointment who flew around with some questionable meal combos, I mean, don’t order these combos at The Bucket drive-thru. Big Macs and Krylon with something to drink really isn’t too appetizing (“Would you like to make that a large combo for a dollar more?”) . No Diet Pepsi and Glidden Paint, thank you.

But face it, The Mayor is getting the shaft. It’s why I personally feel zero-tolerance has its shortcomings. If a teacher doesn’t like you, you could say that you will make him read Gil Thorp: The Lost Years if he doesn’t give you an “A” for the course and that teacher automatically say you were threatening him. It doesn’t take much to start the fire.

“Okay, The Board would like you to talk about your latest felony arrest.”

“I’ve never made one.”

“Well, then maybe you’ll tell The Board your latest misdemeanor arrest.”

“I’ve never done that either.”

THEN DR. PEARL, WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO BE A PRINCIPAL OR A POLICEMAN SINCE YOU DON’T TAKE CHARGE AT EITHER ONE???????

“You think Granny Clampett ought to be skinning the squirrrels for dinner when she isn’t scouring her Dr. Spock outfit on the scrub board, is that it, Harry?”

“Gil, what do you think this is? Bert and Ernie? I want to know Dr. Pearl’s reaction when Teddy Blue points a gun at her and says “READ ‘GIL’S SEX LIFE IN 30 WORDS OR LESS’ OR I’LL BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Dr. Pearl’s place is at the copying machine in the faculty lounge, is that it?”

“Better than getting your ass blown off at the Milford High School Soccer Complex!!!!!!!! Her space suit doesn’t belong in the pitch!!!!!!!!”

“It’s my space suit!!!!!!!! My grandmother knitted it when she wasn’t lathering grandpa’s beard with soap and dye and putting it next to the deer skins to be tanned in the log cabin.”

“Yeah, and my sex life could fill 2 paragraphs.”

 

“Gil, Lassie pooped in the yard again.”

“Okay, I’ll cut back the dosage on the Ther-a-Gram.”

 

I am trying to be nice. I promised my mom I’d be nice (not really, but it sounds good) . But when Mrs. Krappy is directly confronting Dr. Pearl and threatening her with a lawyer, you’d expect the desk to be facing straight ahead. And we know that’s a phone to the left so it doesn’t qualify in the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. It DOES qualify, desk and phone in the entire package, in the Pantheon of Mysterious Angles. As long as I’m going to get blown away with strong admonitions, I’d like for the desk to not be at right angles with the phone or the desk proving Lobachevsky’s Theorem. Next time can the sides of the desks be supplementary angles to each other? Otherwise, that black underpinning under Dr. Pearl’s desk isn’t the only enigma we’re trying to solve in the Milford Mensa Society Manual Appendix.

 

We’d only ask things we’d ask any SuperMayor

What food you drink each night to bed that puts you way up there

Don’t be shyyyy, there’s talent in those veins

You can down a legume shake if you’ll only take the reins

 

So if you are The Mayor

The Infallible Mayor

Prove to us that you’re inspired

Pour some syrup on your tires

 

That’s all you must do

Then we’ll know it’s all true

Come on, King of the ‘Larks

 

This is about as chickenshit as Gil has gotten in a while. Not only has he done zilch coaching, now he’s going to add fuel to the fire by cleaning out The Mayor’s locker. Boy, what nerve. Makes me want to throw the Healthy Choice Chicken Breast Tenders and Mashed Potatoes that The Mayor has stuffed in his locker at Gil. I’ll save that little brownie that comes in all those dinners and mess up Dr. Pearl’s beehive with it so that it looks like a gigantic brown turd to exemplify her mentality. Roan hornet’s nests and paper-pushing will never go hand-in-hand any suaver.

“Archie, have you seen Ms. Grundy’s hair? We better tell the ‘Bee that she drank too much Milk of Magnesia again in Study Hall.”

“I agree, Jughead. She only has so many teeth. Don’t want that to get browner than her hair. That stuff can spread all over her body. We have enough bullshit at Riverdale.”

 

Ooooooookkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back for Match Game 2020 to resume this plot back to where it rightfully belongs. Take her away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Coach Thorp was going to her son’s locker to remove the _________________________.”

 

I hope you sleep well, Gil.

 

“And we’ll be back to see what items will be taken out of Archie’s locker including his rancid jock straps with months-old brown stains on them and his Orville Redenbacher Gasohol-Popped Popcorn after saying that Coach Kleats puts Geritol in his Maxwell House for breakfast after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

 

“Folks, I didn’t want to do it. Mike Krapper was like a son to me. But when he enticed Keri and Jaime to listen to Springsteen’s ‘Jungleland’ that was blasting out of his car speakers, I had to draw the line. I’m not having him flash a Gibson like a table knife just to sell a record, let alone find a spot on the roster.”

But that’s a Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out for now. We’ll have more of ‘Darkness on the Edge of Town’ and ‘Tunnel of Love’ to listen to at the District Board Meeting.

But listen to this!!!!!!!!!!!! You don’t need to bring in ‘Ballad of Tom Joad’ on your Close ‘n’ Play to take advantage of these fantastic deals at Milford Beverage Warehouse. And the deals just got sweeter. For every $25 purchase, you’ll receive absolutely free vitamin supplements for your pet from Milford Pet Supply.

Folks, sometimes your mutt needs a little incentive to keep on licking his master. That’s why a purchase of a 24-Pack of Michelob Ultra plus a couple of cans of Falls City Dark out of the machine will get you a healthy portion of Green Coast Lickables and Supplements. That’s right, if your pooch has iron-poor blood, you won’t have to worry about mixing the pills in with his Alpo, you can watch your pooch  lick it straight out of the bowl while you’re downing a brewski on your recliner. Like Dave Brubeck used to sing, life’s so free and easy.

Want to see your pet rid of fleas? Sure, we all do. Purchase 2 12-Packs of Mike’s Hard Lemonade and not only can you party the night away, you can watch your kitty or German shepard sleep in its bed peacefully, thanks to Petlock Max Flea and Tick Preventatives and Supplements. No more watching you get down to The Trampps’ ‘Disco Inferno’ only to get interrupted because Rin Tin Tin is scracthing his ears for the 28th time at the bacchanalian venture. A bloodhound feeling regular with good bowel movement and liberated from fleas and ticks makes things easier to take when the Milford Police raid the celebration.

But some poodles and tabbies have problems from the other end. Believe me, it’s no fun watching my dogs and cats sneeze all over the floor and have to eventually call Milford 24-Hour Carpet Cleaning Incorporated and have the house roped off all day. You can only do so much hiking with your kids at Milford Nature Center. The Milford Petting Zoo only has so many animals. No orangutans to keep the kids entertained.

That’s why a purchase of 2 Jose Cuervo’s in the 750ml containers comes in handy when you’re wanting NaturVet Allergy Supplements. Talk about Lassie taking Ny-Quil. I no longer have to worry about 2 carpet cleaning guys attach hoses with their cracks obvious enough for my kids to be making jokes because my dog didn’t have a Kleenex. I’ll down a bottle of Cuervo while Mimi is drinking her Squoze on the patio anytime.

But don’t take my word for it. Come and get your own slice of The Good Life and Doggie and Kitty odor sprays so that everybody is one big happy family. And what makes it nicer, your Visa Gold is welcome anytime. Come on, don’t be afraid to use your plastic on booze and Sentry WormX supplements. That sounds environmentally friendly to me. Come on down to our environment and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

Yes, you mean the world to me but, no, I ain’t helping Coach Thorp on this one. He’s on his own.

 

Heeeyyyyyyyyyyyy

You are not The Mayor

No, you haven’t the flair

You’re not a player

Or a student

Just a stupid little rodent

Take him away

He has nothinng to say

Get out King of the

Oh, leave The Board alone you King of the

Go sell your recipes at The Bucket

King of the ‘Larks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

At the Thorp household one fine morning

“Mommy, that man with the steam cleaner has a butt bigger than Daddy’s.”

“Kids!!!!!!!!!! I think I just heard the Milford Ice Cream truck pull up!!!!!!!! Here’s $5!!!!!! Go get some popsicles!!!!!!!!”

May 11, 2020

Expelled! Dun Dun DUN!

Filed under: Dr. Pearl, Gil Thorp — nedryerson @ 5:54 am

We’re really making a meal out of this visit to Dr. Pearl’s office. Of course everybody knows that readers forget details when the go without a Sunday strip, so Mike Knappe repeats his peanut butter line. Maybe it bears repeating anyway, as Mike voices the common sense reaction to the district Policy. I was just spreading peanut butter! I had no intent to harm anybody!

So our incremental (yet exciting!) move forward is the reveal of the terms of the Policy. Expulsion! The Mayor is out. It’s time to call St. Fabian’s. I hear they still let students make switchblades and zip guns in metal shop.

Up next, we’ll have Mama Knappe’s reaction. Will she break down in tears and rend her garments? Will she call Dr Pearl a shortsighted, doctrinaire tool of failing public education? Will her reaction give Gil enough cover to slip away and get back to baseball “practice”? Stay tuned.

May 9, 2020

The Bucks Don’t Stop Here

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Today’s strip doesn’t really advance the plot very much. Dr. Pearl repeats herself from yesterday. Unless he put his shirt on backwards today, Mike has an owl-like ability to turn his head in an attempt to make eye contact with Gil, who has already strapped on his thousand-yard stare. In Gil’s mind he can already hear the ice clinking in Mimi’s pitchers of Long Island Iced Tea and the plaintive calls of preteens asking him to watch them putt.

Yes, the adults have done their jobs in true Kurt Waldheim-just-following-orders fashion, in the process giving Gil a ready-made scapegoat for his under-performing baseball team. As for Dr. Pearl, well, the girl can’t help it.

 

I’ll spare you the legwork of trying to find out if art imitates life or vice versa; the GoComics comments on today’s strip link to several articles describing the very situation The Mayor finds himself in today. If this is Rubin’s way of rehabilitating another one of his extroverted attention-whoring Mudlark kids, he’s sure going about it in a weird way.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to pour one out for Mr. Penniman.

May 8, 2020

Knappe the Knife

Filed under: Dr. Pearl, Gil Thorp, lessons learned, Milford Weirdos — robmize2013 @ 9:49 pm

Really not much to say about this strip today – Mikes mom is called, she basically sides with her son as being essentially a good kid, although she could get him to eat at home a little more and make sure he gets up early enough to do so, and the school says – sorry, but our policy is no knives period. End of discussion. And a likely suspension from the baseball team for a while.

Time for an oldie but goodie from our good friend Bobby Darin:

 

 

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