This Week in Milford

March 17, 2020

It’s As Plain As The Stubs On Your Face.

Filed under: Dr. Pearl, exposition comics, Gil Thorp, Pissy faced Gil — tdrewhardin @ 5:38 am

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We FINALLY get to the end of this kangaroo court even though P3 is leaving an opening wide enough for a Mack truck to drag us down another 8 weeks before we get to baseball. We THINK Gil is talking about suspending Teddy but anybody who’s been tailing this more than Friday and Gannon know not to hold your breath. Even with legitimate witnesses and an investigation that should have never been an investigation, there’s evidence to suggest Gil might be talking about Chris. We won’t know until tomorrow and it’s a crock anyway you choose it. As Yogi Berra once said, if you see a fork in the road, take it. I just don’t want the fork. Especially when, after being promised a filet mignon, I am forced to use that fork on a Banquet TV Dinner. Frozen meat loaf with pocket-sized mashed potatoes and a brownie that’s an art exhibit after taking it out of the microwave, no thank you. I’ll take my plastic fork and try to pry some of the blackheads off Teddy’s face.

Gil, before we go any further, I have a piece of sandpaper that I obtained out of Dr. Pearl’s file cabinet that ought to remove those stains that Teddy is afflicted with. I figure that as long as removing the stains you COULDN’T see, i.e., Teddy’s snaky ethics and dirtball intentions, was not high on your priority list that we might as well clean up SOMETHING. You couldn’t wipe up Teddy’s slime with a Bounty towel. No quick picker-upper When Teddy Met Chrissy.

And what’s this “Prove it”? We are required by law to look under Dr. Pearl’s desk and in her purse and in her wig for documentation, comb the Milford Public Library and ask everybody from the Milford Public Library CEO to the Milford Public Library Board of Directors to the Milford Public Library Director of Annual Giving, The Milford Public Library Lead Book Stacker in charge of Western Fiction, the Milford Public Library Union Steward (safer working conditions, no lifting of Mad Magazine boxes heavier than 70 lbs., coffee breaks with donuts and free Elmore Leonard reading materials after working 4 hours) , on down to the sanitation engineer (gotta keep the Ellery Queen Magazine stacks sterile) , consult with the students from Alexa and Phoebe to Greg and Peter and Bobby and Marcia and Jan and Cindy, throw in Beaver and Lumpy and Dobie Gillis and Maynard P. Krebs to ask if they noted any foul play (the PSAT test taker sitting next to you has sometimes wound up in a plastic bag in a ditch behind the school) ,call (collect) the SAT Review Board, the PSAT Testing Committee, the LSAT Steering Committee (as in “if you want this plot to drag on another month, form a committee”) , the AP Calculus II Test Booklet District Manager, and the Proctor in Charge of Distribution of #2 Pencils at the Milford High School Gymnasium for test scores to solidify evidence that Chris could perform quadratic equations without using multiplication tables, all to ensure that Chris, an Honor student with no history and plenty of the future ahead of him, is on the the level and when we FINALLY see light at the end of the tunnel, a tunnel we should have never taken, we have to backtrack that same tunnel while using Habeas Corpus on behalf of Teddy? Gil and Dr. Pearl, THIS IS SCHOOL. Anybody who disrupts the educational process, SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN DOCUMENTED SIGNIFICANTLY IN TEDDY’S CASE deserves to be due-processed. What’s next, he’s entitled to one phone call and a free meal from the Milford Salvation Army kitchen? A trip to the mall so we can pick out his prison outfit? He wears an extra large and throw in a razor. That actually has blades. Call Perry Mason. He’s been known to acquit the impossible.

Because I don’t really know why ANYBODY would lick a toilet to prove a point about coronavirus

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Teddy DeMarco Arraigned In Court After Incident In Dr. Pearl’s Personal Water Closet!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“She wears the nastiest dentures. Still had Snickers stains on them. They looked tacky on top of her Ban Roll-On.”

 

Dr. Pearl, do you always bury your head in the file cabinet? I mean, Gang, when was the last time you EVER caught her at a sporting event? She’s like Ms. Rizk, perpetually glued to her room. There were eyewitness reports that she was seen throwing out the first pitch when Joe Tinker, Johnny Evers, and Frank Chance were playing for the Cubs. Beat the Pirates in a rout. She declined cutting the ribbon when they opened up Fenway. I couldn’t imagine her eating popcorn and downin’ a Bud by the Green Monster anyway. At least Granny Clampett stepped out of the swamp to move to Beverly Hills. Dr. Pearl, I hope that’s not cow manure you’re stepping on when you’re filing away the Sophomore PE Final Bell Curve Report 1984.

“Dr. Pearl, I have a lug wrench in my trunk. Your head ought to be out of the second shelf in no time.”

“No, that’s okay, Gil. Sometimes my bee hive gets caught on the shelf tracking when I’m storing Junior Class Betting Forms. There’s a screw loose under the shelf above it. One flick of the wrist with the bobby pin and I’m free as a bird.”

“Sure you don’t want Barr’s Leeks to pry you loose?”

“No, it’ll mess up the coloring in my hair and I have a Valley Conference Administrator’s Summit tonight at 8.”

 

If ya file away yore marriage licence of all the in-laws ya done got hitched to, even the ones ya pur-formed without the services of a shotgun, ya might be a redneck.

 

And what do you mean GRIND? Like that came as a surprise? Gil, once you and Dr. Pearl extricate your heads from the sink in Dr. Pearl’s WC, you’ll find out that Chris studies and works hard and minds his own business. Unlike Teddy who’s a total jerk and already has a history on him. Dr. Pearl, I’m surprised you didn’t locate his record as long as your head’s been implanted between Teacher Evaluation Reports and Yearly School Bus Schedule. You and Gil ought to try Liquid Plumber. The stuff does wonders.

BTW, can I pluck one of your Hershey Bars off the wall? All this castigating worked up an appetite.

 

Coach Kaz enters Dr. Pearl’s hole after a Geography Teacher Enrichment Seminar at Westview High (“How do you get Funky Winkerbean to memorize the county seats of Rhode Island? Well, B. F. Skinner conducted a study…”) , home of the Fightin’ Scapegoats

“Dr. Pearl, watcha grillin’? Jalapeno Hamburgers? Pork rinds? London broil? Roundhouse steak? Gil Thorp Pure Pork Italian Sausage? Did you remember to marinade the burgers with A-1? It’s got a little Jack in the bottle but-”

“Oh, that streak in the window?”

 

But I think a suspension is in order. (Banging head) Oh, I forgot to tell you, Gang, I was talking about the plot. I forgot we’re flipping a coin between Teddy and Chris.

While Luhm is implementing a crowbar to un-jackknife Dr. Pearl’s from the left-hand drawer at her desk

“Okay, Dr. Pearl, heads it’s Chris, tails it’s Teddy. Call it.”

“Heads.”

Coin rolls along the floor, bumping into Dr. Pearl’s pump and falling flat. Luhm makes the call

“Heads. Chris gets In-School for book-grinding for 2 weeks.”

“Uh, how’ bout 2 out of 3, Dr. Pearl?”

 

I think you get the message, Gang. Now to see who wins the coin flip tomorrow.

 

Today’s Women’s History Month entry is Dionne Warwick. I just melt when I hear her music. A six-time Grammy winner including hits like “Do You Know The Way to San Jose?” and “I’ll Never Fall in Love Again”, she was able to perform and still raise her kids. The minute the show was done, she caught the red-eye flight home to be with her family. And she has two sons heavily involved in the music industry to show for it. Many people don’t know that her real last name is “Warrick”. A printing error while records were on the assembly line prompted her to keep the new name as she felt it was catchy. No argument here. A giving person, she was nominated for Goodwill Ambassador for the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations. She is well-respected by her colleagues, including The Beatles and Elton John. Please join me in saluting a woman who’s one of the greatest female vocalists of all time.

 

“We’ll be back to see which gets yanked out first, the dead oak tree stump on the Milford Public Library grounds or Dr. Pearl’s head in the water cooler at the faculty lounge at Milford High School on Milford Believe it or Not! Museum Hour after these messages. This is WDIG-TV”

 

“That could take some doing. A Drott hydraulic-powered bulldozer operating on all cylinders to rescue a damsel in distress from the water cooler kept me on the edge of my recliner. But I always liked a good mystery.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp speaking for Milford Beverage Warehouse. Here’s a deal you can pull out of the ground anytime and you don’t need to go the dentist to get it pulled. The good people at Milford Plumbing Solutions felt that the promotion with the toilets and booze combo went over so well that they are extending the promotion from now until the end of April. You still have time to replace that jalopy that won’t send the shit through the pipes faster than to your liking. And we’re talking top-of-the-line equipment. No commodes on consignment here.

Want the Broyhill Royal Flush Supreme? Man, I’m amazed at the low water consumption on this bad boy. How I could piss me a river and the fluid still remain clear on just a glass of water just flat-out boggled my mind. And the good news is, you can have this latest in pissing state-of-the-art technology for what you would write a check on your kids’ School Lunch at Milford Elementary plus two cases of Coors 24-Pak in the 12 ounce cans. Oh boy, if I can save a buck while taking a dump, I’ll head to the Mountain every time.

How ’bout the Ethan Allen ’76er Colonial Special? Doncha just want to take your mind off things in the same potty our Forefathers dumped in? And because it’s guaranteed clog-free, George Washington was Father of our Country in part because he never had to use a toilet plunger. For a Ben Franklin and a purchase of Maker’s Mark Whisky 1.75 L, you can sit and read Popular Mechanics on a throne Thomas Jefferson sat on. Makes me want to write an amendment to the Declaration of Independence.

Does the toilet seat have a mind of its own? Do you feel like a crocodile is snapping at you every time you encounter diarrhea and you make one too many trips to the Nile? No problemo. American Standard Premium Toilet uses a computer-based system for that slow close on that seat every time. And The Warehouse won’t charge you an arm or a leg. Just a swipe of your Milford Teachers Federal Credit Union credit card and a grocery cart full of Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc Lo-Cal will have the delivery driver from Milford Plumbing Solutions installing your new-found toy faster than you can say “Don’t get the runs from Rice Chex”.

But don’t let my butt be the judge. Come see for yourself how The Good Life and toilets are not only not strange bedfellows but solid partners in keeping customers satisfied and constipation-free. Get your own butt down here and sit on these deals and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Gang, thank you for your continued support. You mean the world to me.

Damn, Teddy, you ARE in front of a camera. At least use a dish towel.

 

“Do you have an open-end socket wrench?”

“3/8th or 7/16th?”

“Don’t matter. Long as I can turn so that it don’t strip the T-bolt, I’m good.”

“Probably gonna need a ball peen hammer. I got in my tool box in my truck. Don’t worry, Dr. Pearl, we’ll getcha loose from that cactus plant before your bridge tournament.”

February 19, 2019

“Gil, Don’t you think ‘Vocational Guidance Counselor’ belongs in the shed?”

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Ya gotta be kidding me. I’m presuming that’s Booby on the other end of the line unless he is following up with a prank phone call (outside chance) .

“Do you sell Mudlar-K-Cola in cans in the cafeteria?”

“Yes, we do.”

“You better let the Mudlar-K out.”

Yeah, if I wanted to see my nephew’s baseball coach fired (and I DIDN’T. He was an excellent coach-RIP, Coach Sparrow) , I’d go to the office secretaries at the school. The buck’ll stop there, fer sure. I’m confident the office temp from Milford-Rent-A-Sec will be on the same page with me when I complain that Gil doesn’t know how to flash the bunt sign. And she’ll cheerfully respond how She feels my pain, that Gil didn’t execute the hit-and-run in the 3rd inning last year against Madison because he didn’t know how to overcome the stench when the base umpire passed gas. Get an oxygen mask next time, Thorp, when waving a guy home. HEY!!!!!!!!!!! Whattya know, we have a connection!!!!!!!!!!! Before I put my Marlboro out in the ash tray by the seats where 2 new enrollees are sitting, me and the secretaries will be talkin’ like Casey Stengal.

Dr. Pearl, coming out of the office with her Night School Attendance Report-2017,

“Can anyone around here coach this game?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Only in Thorpiverse do we have Dirty Harry practically being asked to run the vermin out of San Francisco and Milford (Quite a bit of ground to cover-aaaaa, he’s Harry, the scriptwriters will think of something) but not before he asks “Mother, may I?”. And the fact that we are dealing with 2-3 other inchoate plots that will more than likely remain inchoate just makes for a nightmare of a season. I pity ESPN. It’s like Mike Patrick and Dickie V. doing the North Carolina-Duke game, then switching over to the History Channel for the rest of the season, basketball swept up in the Dust Bowl. “Yeah, they’re rockin’ and rollin’ here in the Colosseum!!!!!!!!! Gaius Maximus Atrivius is one of my Diaper Dandies. I’ve seen him dunk on a lion with such strength and agility!!!!!!!!!!!” I think you get the point.

Anyone dumb enough to believe  Gil will finish what he starts need only check out the golf plot where a bunch of rag-tag assholes run our heroes in the ground, then disappear while Gil tells his heroes that it’s always important to use Scout’s Honor when figuring the scorecard. The Perry Mason episode that never was.

“Raise your right hand and repeat after me. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

“I do.’

“You may be seated.”

“Now, Mr. Palmer, I understand there was a discrepancy between what you wrote down for Mr. Nicklaus and The Golden Bear’s own version. He’s saying his one shot didn’t count because he was doing an instructional video during The Masters.”

“That’s correct.”

“And yet you say all shots count whether you swing your club to fend off the flies, disseminate an odor when your grandmother farted, or, in this case, when you’re showing the kids how to putt around a tree.”

“That’s correct.”

“Don’t you think you should allow leeway when putting around a redwood? Line up the shot? Shoo the squirrels away so they don’t ruin the eagle you’re about to sink? In fact, didn’t that happen when you were at Mount Kilimanjaro Country Club, an elephant herd  interfered with your hole-in-one?”

“The male was horny and had been to the Milford Men’s Clinic for ED and got cured in 2 hours and was chasing a reluctant female and the whole band of females turned on him and ran him out of the savannah…”

“Just answer the question. No need for National Geographic.”

“Yes, it happened.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I’m here to assert that Mr. Palmer should implement honor and dignity, as well as mercy when playing a Gentlemen’s Game. The Machiavellian way of thinking that Mr. Palmer is employing-”

“WILLLLLLMMMMAAAAAAA, where’s my Fruit of the Looms? I’m late for work. Mr. Slate will kill me!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“In the clothes basket in the den, dear.”

“Gee, Fred, I wouldn’t get too worried. Mr. Slate said you could use another tardy and you’ve saved up a bunch of ’em. You won’t get fired anytime soon. In fact, you might want to use a few on your bowling game, a hee hee hee, a hee hee hee hee…”

“Har dee har har, Rubble. I bought that new Brunswick at the Bedrock Sporting Goods store. The pins won’t know what hit ’em…”

 

And we still have Robby “2 Billboards” Howry to deal with. Well, gang, you know I’m not going to leave you empty-handed. Without further ado, Monty Python has returned, handcuffed to Arthur “2 Sheds” Jackson. Oh, you Python junkies know who I’m talking about. A composer who was thinking of buying a 2nd shed, hence got plastered with the moniker, occasionally bristling at this moniker.

But wait, there’s more. If you read my post NOW, you’ll get not one but TWO Monty Python sketches, a second one, “Vocational Guidance Counselor.” If that isn’t enough to make you get off the Laz-ee-Boy and get to the phone and dial the 800 number, I’ll throw in a free Gil Thorp coif, Special Everly Brothers Edition, 1959, but you must act now. Operators are standing by and you’re running out of Rogaine.

Anyway, without giving away the rest of the sketch, “2 Billboards” Howry was kind enough to take time away from muckraking Gil on his Outdoor Advertising and interview with Marty “2 Weeks” Moon on WDIG. Let’s eavesdrop.

“So why are you called ‘2 Billboards’?”

“The same reason why you’re called ‘2 Weeks’. It wasn’t planned that way but in the end, the nickname stuck like brown-stained underwear. At least I didn’t use profanity.”

“Look, ‘Equipment-Manager-cum-2-Billboards’, I’m doing the interviewing round here. And why waste time with billboards? Plenty of other advertising mediums. Like us at WDIG, for example. We have an advertising slot for “Gil eats worms, Spaghetti O’s, and the Big One, not necessarily in that order” between Milford Muffler & More and Mudlark Denture Repair.”

“Thanks for the offer. Right now, billboards seem to be working and the most cost-efficient I can find at this point.”

“Pshaw. Where else are you going to gouge Gil at $50 per slot? We can undercut the competition because we’re WDIG. Ethics belong in a Gideon’s Bible, not here in my studio. And we even supply the writing team. Free!!!! Gratis!!!!!! BTW, I understand you conjure up a lot of YOUR ideas in the equipment shed.”

“This is a false rumor based upon Pee Wee Herman being caught jacking off a shoulder pad. I am nowhere near the shed when I’m writing billboard slogans.”

“In spite of the reports that you were seen with Pee Wee at the basketball games, carping on Gil’s strategy.”

“Look, I’ll admit Pee Wee said that Gil should have done a triangle-and-two on Jefferson and I agreed. Their guards were lighting it up all not long. But that’s all there is to that.”

“Right . Now I understand your billboards got a Triple A Rating from the Better Business Bureau-”

“What is THAT????”

“What is what?”

A wide-screen photograph of Pee Wee in the boy’s bathroom at The Bucket reading a Gideon’s Bible, among other things, in stall #2 appears in back of them.

“It’s Pee Wee!!!!!!!!!!! Get it off!!!!!!!”

“He is.”

“Remove the damn photo on the screen!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Marty nods to someone offstage. A picture of “2 Billboards” Howry standing with Sir Edmund Hilary on Mt. Everest with “2 Billboards”‘s billboard shows up in its stead.

“Now as I was saying, the Chamber of Commerce nominated a couple of candidates last week for President of the C of C Board. They both liked your billboards. They endorsed “Come to Milford, where the only bad part of town is the coaching”. In fact, Dr. Pearl and Pee Wee called me personally and wanted you to be their campaign manager. Billboards are a great inside track for running for office plus it’s great sex therapy and will solve Pee Wee’s ED prob-”

THERE IS NOTHING BETWEEN ME AND PEE WEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“You don’t have to shout. It’s OK to admit that you saw Pee Wee have an affair with Dr. Pearl behind the stack of football helmets, sharing a Bucket Chocolate Shake, feeding each other burgers-”

“What’s that got to do with BILLBOARDS????????”

“Is he giving you any trouble?”

Bacon appears after The Mamas And The Papas, Second Edition just finished an album at Milford Recording Studios.

“Yes, a little.”

Grabs “2 Billboards” by the collar

“All right, ‘2 Billboards’, we’ve had our belly full of your trysts with Pee Wee and dragging down the team as a result. How Gil can design a Statue of Liberty with you 2 love birds in the equipment shed is left for Mary Worth to figure out. Or even Roscoe Sweeney.”

Throws “2 Billboards” into the WMFD station wagon which just stopped at the light

“Get your own comic strip, punk.”

“Yeah, WDIG Studios isn’t big enough for the 3 of us. We can thrash Gil without your help, ‘2 Billboards.'”

 

If yore posin’ in the 20 degree weather in front of the Polaroid One-Step by the billboard advertisin’ Gil takin’ up drag racin, Midget Division, at Milford International Speedway cuz ya admire Gil takin’ up somethin’ he can actually perform without a hitch, ya might be a redneck.

 

I think we can leave P1, comforted that Bozo the Clown is not expressing his concerns about Thorp’s X’s and O’s. He may be a clown but he’s not an idiot. Bozo knows all about going to school board meetings (“Okay, boys and girls, today we’re going to learn about Parliamentary Procedure after I pass out these Archway Cookies. Ummmmmm, isn’t strawberry delicious?”) for questioning-of-coaching-methods procedures. I think it’s also safe to say that that isn’t Mr. Moose, Mr. Green Jeans, Grandfather Clock, or Mr. Burns, Homer’s boss (which doesn’t belong on the list?-I can see the brain teaser) .

And really, as long as “2 Billboards” is short on reality, why not cut reality even shorter by walking into the station manager’s office at WDIG and asking him what your purpose should be in life? Y’know, “2 Billboards”, I will remember that the next time I’m having a mid-life crisis, suffering from a career change. Simple. Call Murray the K. Skip the employment agency, they only steer you to Whopper-maker at Burger King (“Come dress to impress. Must be able to work at least 32 hours and know how to run the Whopper press…”) , Howry. Let’s hit the Mother Lode and ask Wolfman Jack if Janitorial Science is the right career for you.

Clap for the Wolfman

“Awooooooooooooo, do ya like toilet plungers, My Friend?”

“Sure. I always use ’em, especially when the gas won’t pump in my gas tank hose. Just one plunge and the octane hits bottom.”

“My Man, awooooooooooooo, I think yuz on the right career path. Milford Community College has an 8-week night class beginning in March. And they’ll waive the enrollment fee. The last 2 weeks of the class is on-the job-training. By then, you’ll know what sanitizer to use when filling the soap dispenser and toilet brush to use when cleaning the vomit out of the toilet. Awoooooooooooooo, Wolfman can get carried away with the Jack when doin’ the night show. They’ll start you off on the 3rd floor latrines. The Wolfman’ll feel safe takin’ a #2, knowin’ I’m in competent hands.

But hurry, classes are fillin’ fast. Ya got me as a reference. That ought get ya in if ya enroll late. Awooooooooooooooooo.”

 

Today’s Black History Month entry goes to John Marshall Alexander, Jr., or Johnny Ace. A man with an excellent even voice, the dude strung together several hits like “Cross My Heart”, “Please Forgive Me”, “The Clock”, “Saving My Love For You”, “Never Let Me Go”, and his #1 hit, “Pledging My Love”. He is embraced by musicians such as Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, David Allen Coe, Elvis Presley, and Paul Simon, who, like me, enjoy his irresistable crooning. He toured heavily with B.B. king and Big Mama Thornton. In fact, tragically enough, while touring with the latter on December 25th, 1954, while carelessly messing with a gun, he accidentally shot himself and instantly died. A VERY promising career was needlessly cut short. Please join me in reviving his career by spreading the word about a VERY talented and outstanding career who only saw good times ahead, had he lived.

 

 

So introducing P2 orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

vocational guidance counselor

Vocational Guidance Counselor

VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE COUNSELORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

 

“…and Mr. Thorp, based upon your test results, I think I can say, without fer of contradiction, that the best vocation suited for you is chartered accounting.”

Gil “Several Plots” Thorp is stupified

“But I already AM a chartered accountant.”

“Well, we can always dig into the files again. Have you tried banking? Or perhaps international finance? You can work with Bhutan on all their bankrupt ledgers-”

“No, no, I’m fed up with 60+ years of figuring people’s taxes, revenues, debits, credits, that sort of thing. I want something ADVENTUROUS.”

“Adventurous? You dare want to be a lion tamer???”

“Nah, too easy. I kicked one in the nuts at the Milford Petting Zoo. I had him lickin’ like Dino when kids would feed him  Milk Bones.”

“Or underwater shark hunting?”

“Shoot, you checked out Red Lobster’s menu? There’s so much shark meat, they sold the excess to Hardee’s because they had a Thickburger shortage.”

“What about the Green Berets??”

“We’re the ones who assassinated Hussain. It was a cinch. Caught him air-guitaring “Rocky Mountain Way” in a minaret. Dead duck.”

“Then what Is it that you want with your life?”

“I’d like to coach.”

COACH???????????

“Sure. It looks easy. Boss around some players, they win the State and you get all the credit. Don’t have to worry about plots or plays, they just work themselves out while you live large on the golf course. After the players win the 10th State Championship, they’ll build a mansion for you where you can retire and vacation in Florida in the winter. Player’s’ll go south to visit you. They have been for the last 60+ years. Except for Pulver but he’s an asshole.”

“Coach, it’s not Easy Street as you envision. Long hours, irate parents, players always wanting PT, bad officials. Then you have Marty Moon.”

Gil is cringing

“Have you ever ween him without his goatee???? ARRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH”

“NO!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! He’s a Bohemian who LOOKS like a Bohemian!!!!!!!!!!! Take that picture away. I didn’t know he had that many teeth!!!!!!!!!! Or pimples!!!!!!!!!! He has more than on Mimi’s butt. Just don’t let him broadcast. They’ll think Beetlejuice took over the mike at the Milford games!!!!!!!!!! And that overbite…”

“Folks, you can help Mr. Thorp realize his true calling in life by writing to this address

The League For Milford’s Chartered Accountants

P.O. Box 7777

Milford, USA

 

Must be sent as Registered Mail. It’s a serious problem, folks.”

 

Gang, comment away. I’m going to see the station manager later on. I hear there’s a career in oil-well drilling in North Dakota. I can pay off my Meijer card.

 

 

 

 

“Awwwwwwww, SLAM BAM JAM, MIKE. What a dunkeroo by Hieronimus Adolphus Caesar, they got him groomed for the next Head Caesar job when he graduates. That was a manhood-stripper. He made that lion eat his lunch!!!!!!! He’s on my all-Chocolate Thunder team, along with Julius Flavius Vextus. Too bad Vextus got eaten cuz he couldn’t out run the lions on the fast break. But that’s college basketball in the Colosseum.”

 

“Awoooooooooooooo, Werewolves of London, Awooooooooooooooo….”

Mick Fleetwood just shakes his head as he throws the drumsticks in the corner and looks mournfully at John McVie. Mac is packing up his bass.

“Booby, hate ta tell ya, mate, yore no Zevon. Stick ta billboard-scrawlin’.”

November 17, 2018

Like We Needed Another Plot Twist

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Tiki Jansen was

Eligible after all?

Anticlimactic

 

Why didn’t we see

Dr. Pearl? Always up for

Granny Clampett* action

 

Gil is hesitant

To reinstate Tiki ’cause

He’s a good player?

 

Well, that seals the deal

Gil knows he’s being unfair

Tanking the season

 

Proves beyond a doubt

Milford’s state championship

Was just a fluke

 

“Damn that True Standish!

Unicorn in football cleats

Made me have to work!”

 

Any Milford wins

Come in spite of Gil’s “coaching”

Not because of it

 

What’s this? Another

Plot twist? Something besides the

“Slow sister” excuse?

 

What kind of baggage

Is Tiki dragging with him?

Do we even care?

 

Maybe he should try

Anger management classes

Worked for Van Auken

 

 

*Yes, I know her character’s actual name was Daisy Moses.

March 15, 2018

Why Does Dr. Pearl Hate Freedom?

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I don’t have bluebonnets to frolic through – maybe a crocus or two poking through the snow – but I can’t bring myself to analyze today’s strip. Seriously, what is this bullshit? Since when does a school need its sporting events broadcast? We already know that need is not universal. Does Marty have a pee tape of Dr. Pearl stashed somewhere? Or could there still be ramifications from that time Dr. Pearl had Marty’s sister shitcanned as the school counselor to settle a lawsuit that arose from Marty’s sister giving Marty fake news that he used to derail a coach’s career?

Something tells me Dr. Pearl refers to the Civil War as “the late unpleasantness” and would be one of those school officials who would threaten disciplinary action for school protesters, no matter how peaceful. She treats the students like second-class citizens, not unlike Puerto Ricans. (Yeah, I went there.) I’m going to hold out the tiniest thread of hope that Gil’s “But what if…” cliffhanger will give the kids an out to continue protesting Marty. Probably with posters, knowing that just like raised fists they can’t be heard on the radio.

March 14, 2018

Ad Guys, Plural?

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I’m off to go frolic amongst bluebonnets in the Texas Hill Country. I’ll leave y’all to parse the rest of this.

November 4, 2017

The Easily Swayed Dr. Pearl

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….Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re right back where we were last Saturday. Gil can resist Uncle Gary’s relentless Astroturfing, but Dr. Pearl apparently cannot. One might think that the administrator, with her fancy book-learnin’ and cushy desk job, would cast a more jaundiced eye toward the email campaign – starting with finding out who is sending them.

Makes me wonder what Uncle Gary’s firing off in those missives on his teeny tiny laptop with his freaky deaky hands:

Pearl, Pearl, Pearl,

Come be my lovin’ girl

Don’t you marry Lester Flatt

He slicks his hair with possum fat…

 

October 28, 2017

The Mudlarks Won’t Play on Astroturf

Filed under: Dr. Pearl, Gil Thorp, hideous scar faces — teenchy @ 10:52 am

gt10282017

Nope nope no nuh-uh. Not if ol’ Gildeaux has his way. Five emails from Uncle Gary’s spoof email accounts aren’t gonna convince him in the least. Kudos to Gil for not giving in to the Astroturfing. Players – especially skilled players – will be at a premium over the next couple of weeks as Gil introduces a totally new offensive scheme that promises to expose his ballcarriers to significant injury. Fifth-string QB Pelwecki might finally get his chance to go under center after all.

An obvious response from Gil, absent from this convo: “Because he hasn’t asked me to.” Maybe he’s saving that for Monday.

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