This Week in Milford

May 1, 2021

Baby Brito

Abel Brito is a pest
Fixating on the library
Why can’t he give it a rest?
Why must he be so contrary?

Katy Brito loves her guy
She’s thankful that her dad isn’t meaner
Gonna give Zane a surprise
After swinging by the Cantina

She knows what it’s about
You’d think she’d thought this out
You might as well just shout
It’s gonna get Zane kicked out

And then they started sucking face
Katy brought a little cream and sugar
Can’t bring food into this place
Who said anything about coffee?

Though he didn’t play last year
Zane should remember ’bout the former Mayor
If he gets tossed out on his ear
It’s the end of him as a player

She knows what it’s about
You’d think she’d thought this out
You might as well just shout
It’s gonna get Zane kicked out

You know it’s no butter knife
But if he gets banned for life
What will he do at night?

What will Zane do after this?
Can’t buy a new computer
Maybe he’ll take his bro and sis
Sit in the car and wait and be a commuter

If Abel Brito has his way
No computers, no drinks, no eating
Family’s gonna make him pay
Givin’ him a verbal beating

He knows what it’s about
You’d think he’d thought this out
He might as well just pout
When he sees his daughter make out

(apologies to the late Elliott Smith)

March 6, 2021

Saying the Quiet Part Loud

Odds are you heard this phrase a lot in the news over the past year. It has its origins in an episode of The Simpsons I referenced once a couple of years ago.

Now in a heel turn the lies of which would have made Andre the Giant proud, Tessi says the quiet part loud.

To be honest I think Tessi’s remained quiet on the really quiet part. Using a guy’s car as an excuse to go out or not out with him might’ve been a thing back in 1958 when this strip started and it might still have been a thing for quite a few years after; now, not so much. It probably started becoming less of a thing after the OPEC embargo in 1973, but I could be wrong. In today’s world where fewer teens are getting drivers’ licenses, it’s become even less of a thing. Maybe that’s why girls don’t compete with Goats for Doug Guthrie.

I doubt it’s fear of being seen in Vic’s GMC (Grandpa Motors Corporation?) van – or of what could happen to her inside it – that keeps Tessi from accepting his invitation. But even Tessi can’t state the obvious and she can’t be entirely wrong in P2, either. Those dueling exploding eyes with a head bobble are part “Oh no she din’t!” and part “She says what we’re all thinking!” If any of those Lady Mudlarks’ eyes should not be exploding, it’s Corina’s. It’s impossible that a tank town like Milford didn’t get the news about her little ménage à trois with the dueling QBs last fall.

Tune in on Monday when we see how high off the floor and onto a horse Corina gets at that postgame pizza party. Let’s hope she takes that flyswatter off the pizza first. (What? You can’t tell me that’s a spatula!)

February 20, 2021

Some Wak! Haiku

Tom Muench on the bench

And Doug Guthrie off his game:

Central by thirteen

But it’s not a bench

It’s only a folding chair

Thanks to budget cuts

“Everything happens

For a reason” – Grandma Muench

Like ankle sprains

Anytime Doug makes

Car-related decisions

Mudlarks always lose

Vic Doucette could see

Doug was no Schumi when he

Smacked him on the ass

Clearly Doug isn’t

Firing on all cylinders

He needs a tuneup

Gil needs to send him

To a garage upstate where

He can drive all day

February 3, 2021

You? Me? Us?

Vic Doucette can do anything – pep up Doug Guthrie, possibly wipe the hair dye running down behind that kid’s ear – but getting traction with Tessi Milton? Put it there, pal!

Any sincerity Tessi might have in trying to gain attention and excitement for Milford girls’ hoops is blunted by her ham-handed appeal to Vic’s raging hormones. Of course Vic doesn’t realize that “us” means “the Lady Mudlarks,” so his head has been set to bobblin’ at the thought of cutting class to go tidy up the interior of his GMC Safari.

Wonder whether Tessi knows that getting guys to do stuff for her using broad deceptive hints is part of Corina’s “brand”? We (blessedly) haven’t seen Corina in a few strips, so it’s about time she pops in and pops off at the mouth.

January 30, 2021

Sometimes, the Lyrics Write Themselves

Want a guard who races? I tell you I’m your man
I play some, skip some, all the same to me

What do you wanna bet, am I blond or a brunette?
The Bucket’s where I feed, my car is all I need, I’m Doug Guthrie!
I’m Doug Guthrie!

Restoring a barn find, rebuilt it with my dad
Got my GTO, I don’t need girls you see

Showing up for Oakwood, Gil is watching me
Pick a sport or quit, I don’t give a shit, I’m Doug Guthrie!
I’m Doug Guthrie!

My tailbone’s on the ground, I’m goin’ round and round
But that’s the way I like it baby
I don’t wanna win the Valley

And don’t forget Vic Doucette!

Pushing up the roundball, the defense gotta see me
Reach in and weep, slapped out my hand again

You see it in my eyes, I’ve let practice slide
We’ll blow this game you’ll see, it’s gonna be on me, I’m Doug Guthrie!
I’m Doug Guthrie!

January 22, 2021

Matchup time

Filed under: actual action, basketball, Exploding Eyeball Syndrome, Mimi Thorp — robmize2013 @ 8:54 pm

Basketball is a game of matchups. Good coaches recognize quickly when their players are at a disadvantage with who theyre guarding and will either sub in a bench player who can handle the player better or switch assignments with who’s on the floor. A famous example is the 1991 NBA Finals which turned when , after losing Game 1 with Magic Johnson able to distribute the ball effectively to the Laker scorers, Phil Jackson put Scottie Pippen on Magic for the rest of the series and the Bulls swept the next 4 games, with Scottie much more effective guarding Magic and stalling the Laker offense. ( Hey Gil you reading this? Coaching matters!!)

And they also switch from man to zone when the situation dictates; (NBA was different for years with its illegal zone until I believe they relaxed it a bit) and a lot of times a zone will help with controlling a big center or forward who is scoring inside, packing the lane with bodies and daring the opponent to beat you from the outside with guards shooting 3’s or longer jump shots. Pick your poison, basically. You make your opponent beat you with its weakness and you’ll come out on top more often then not.

So in this case if I’m Mimi, its ok to listen to players input as theyre the ones out on the court and they have a sense of how they feel guarding someone, but.. Corinna doesnt get to decide who Tessi should guard. Thats Mimis call. Of course we have the last name thing causing some fracture of team unity that will be dealt with eventually, but for now Mimi has to decide who guards who, and not be afraid to use a zone if Corinna turns out to be a turnstyle as well. I have a feeling she will get physical with 21; (hey they give you 5 fouls for a reason) and if C gets in her head like that, just make the free throws and you’re good. Of course we have no score visible, and that dictates how you play on D too. Appears to be a close game, so an exciting finish looms.. Earn that paycheck Mimi!

January 16, 2021

I Got It from You, Gil!

Back to Maumee at Milford and I don’t know what the hell’s going on here but it’s gotta be more than what the narration box describes. No idea where the ball went (and, judging from the fans in the stands, they have no idea either) but that Panther has done more than knock it out of bounds, he’s shoved a Mudlark by the head to the floor. Captain Kangaroo Pimp is having none of it and is ejecting the Maumee miscreant on the spot.

The whole scene has sent Vic Doucette into a rage and has him channeling the Pistons’ PA guy (and Detroit radio host) John Mason.

No clue who won this game but since Gil’s not looking pissy I’d venture it was Milford. He’s pretty amused by Doucette’s shtick, at least for now. Gotta wonder when Gil handled a mic like that – and when he’ll get tired of Vic’s ruffles and flourishes.

January 6, 2021

Vic Doucette, Firestarter

Filed under: actual action, basketball, Exploding Eyeball Syndrome, Neal's friends — teenchy @ 9:34 am

Lots of fire metaphors at work today. Wonder if Corina’s mom is on the scene?

Looks like faithful TWIMer hitorque was correct in yesterday’s comments: strip Vic Doucette fancies himself another Chris Berman. He’s getting quickly full of himself and embellishing his calls, and odds are he didn’t clear any of this with Gil or his players. (I mean, why play off “fear of God” and not “Godleski, King of the Monsters“?)

When and how will Vic’s mouth get the Mudlarks in trouble? We may soon find out as a Ram knocks the slobber out of a Mudlark’s mouth. Did the Ram charge or was he blocked? Will Vic announce the wrong call or inject his opinion over the mic? Will he cause Milford to get charged with a technical?

Vic’s Bermanism hands us an audience participation opportunity: What Bermanisms would you lay on Gil Thorp characters? I’ll start:

Marjie “Acey” Ducey

Marty “How High The” Moon

Hadley V. “Wink” Baxendale

Bob “The Unabomber” Kazinski

Have at it in the comments, y’all.

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