Some Wak! Haiku

Tom Muench on the bench

And Doug Guthrie off his game:

Central by thirteen

But it’s not a bench

It’s only a folding chair

Thanks to budget cuts

“Everything happens

For a reason” – Grandma Muench

Like ankle sprains

Anytime Doug makes

Car-related decisions

Mudlarks always lose

Vic Doucette could see

Doug was no Schumi when he

Smacked him on the ass

Clearly Doug isn’t

Firing on all cylinders

He needs a tuneup

Gil needs to send him

To a garage upstate where

He can drive all day

You? Me? Us?

Vic Doucette can do anything – pep up Doug Guthrie, possibly wipe the hair dye running down behind that kid’s ear – but getting traction with Tessi Milton? Put it there, pal!

Any sincerity Tessi might have in trying to gain attention and excitement for Milford girls’ hoops is blunted by her ham-handed appeal to Vic’s raging hormones. Of course Vic doesn’t realize that “us” means “the Lady Mudlarks,” so his head has been set to bobblin’ at the thought of cutting class to go tidy up the interior of his GMC Safari.

Wonder whether Tessi knows that getting guys to do stuff for her using broad deceptive hints is part of Corina’s “brand”? We (blessedly) haven’t seen Corina in a few strips, so it’s about time she pops in and pops off at the mouth.

Sometimes, the Lyrics Write Themselves

Want a guard who races? I tell you I’m your man
I play some, skip some, all the same to me

What do you wanna bet, am I blond or a brunette?
The Bucket’s where I feed, my car is all I need, I’m Doug Guthrie!
I’m Doug Guthrie!

Restoring a barn find, rebuilt it with my dad
Got my GTO, I don’t need girls you see

Showing up for Oakwood, Gil is watching me
Pick a sport or quit, I don’t give a shit, I’m Doug Guthrie!
I’m Doug Guthrie!

My tailbone’s on the ground, I’m goin’ round and round
But that’s the way I like it baby
I don’t wanna win the Valley

And don’t forget Vic Doucette!

Pushing up the roundball, the defense gotta see me
Reach in and weep, slapped out my hand again

You see it in my eyes, I’ve let practice slide
We’ll blow this game you’ll see, it’s gonna be on me, I’m Doug Guthrie!
I’m Doug Guthrie!

Matchup time

Basketball is a game of matchups. Good coaches recognize quickly when their players are at a disadvantage with who theyre guarding and will either sub in a bench player who can handle the player better or switch assignments with who’s on the floor. A famous example is the 1991 NBA Finals which turned when , after losing Game 1 with Magic Johnson able to distribute the ball effectively to the Laker scorers, Phil Jackson put Scottie Pippen on Magic for the rest of the series and the Bulls swept the next 4 games, with Scottie much more effective guarding Magic and stalling the Laker offense. ( Hey Gil you reading this? Coaching matters!!)

And they also switch from man to zone when the situation dictates; (NBA was different for years with its illegal zone until I believe they relaxed it a bit) and a lot of times a zone will help with controlling a big center or forward who is scoring inside, packing the lane with bodies and daring the opponent to beat you from the outside with guards shooting 3’s or longer jump shots. Pick your poison, basically. You make your opponent beat you with its weakness and you’ll come out on top more often then not.

So in this case if I’m Mimi, its ok to listen to players input as theyre the ones out on the court and they have a sense of how they feel guarding someone, but.. Corinna doesnt get to decide who Tessi should guard. Thats Mimis call. Of course we have the last name thing causing some fracture of team unity that will be dealt with eventually, but for now Mimi has to decide who guards who, and not be afraid to use a zone if Corinna turns out to be a turnstyle as well. I have a feeling she will get physical with 21; (hey they give you 5 fouls for a reason) and if C gets in her head like that, just make the free throws and you’re good. Of course we have no score visible, and that dictates how you play on D too. Appears to be a close game, so an exciting finish looms.. Earn that paycheck Mimi!

I Got It from You, Gil!

Back to Maumee at Milford and I don’t know what the hell’s going on here but it’s gotta be more than what the narration box describes. No idea where the ball went (and, judging from the fans in the stands, they have no idea either) but that Panther has done more than knock it out of bounds, he’s shoved a Mudlark by the head to the floor. Captain Kangaroo Pimp is having none of it and is ejecting the Maumee miscreant on the spot.

The whole scene has sent Vic Doucette into a rage and has him channeling the Pistons’ PA guy (and Detroit radio host) John Mason.

No clue who won this game but since Gil’s not looking pissy I’d venture it was Milford. He’s pretty amused by Doucette’s shtick, at least for now. Gotta wonder when Gil handled a mic like that – and when he’ll get tired of Vic’s ruffles and flourishes.

Vic Doucette, Firestarter

Lots of fire metaphors at work today. Wonder if Corina’s mom is on the scene?

Looks like faithful TWIMer hitorque was correct in yesterday’s comments: strip Vic Doucette fancies himself another Chris Berman. He’s getting quickly full of himself and embellishing his calls, and odds are he didn’t clear any of this with Gil or his players. (I mean, why play off “fear of God” and not “Godleski, King of the Monsters“?)

When and how will Vic’s mouth get the Mudlarks in trouble? We may soon find out as a Ram knocks the slobber out of a Mudlark’s mouth. Did the Ram charge or was he blocked? Will Vic announce the wrong call or inject his opinion over the mic? Will he cause Milford to get charged with a technical?

Vic’s Bermanism hands us an audience participation opportunity: What Bermanisms would you lay on Gil Thorp characters? I’ll start:

Marjie “Acey” Ducey

Marty “How High The” Moon

Hadley V. “Wink” Baxendale

Bob “The Unabomber” Kazinski

Have at it in the comments, y’all.

Dressing Them Down Fires Them Up

Gil’s halftime talk fired up the Milford squad. They’ve come out blazing in the second half, led by #34 who hustles to knock the ball away from a Rogers Ram. Is #34 Marcell Irby? Vic Doucette announced the name in a panel where #34 was standing there staring at him. But then #45 (or #49 maybe) is slamming the ball in the hoop when Vic Doucette catches the spark (because it’s contagious) and puts some flair into his announcing. Is the slamming guy Marcell Irby or am I being to literal in reading the panels. I sure hope the Vic has been given some better roster information than we have or his sparked up announcing is gonna get embarrassing in a hurry. He knows trivia about the eighties NBA, so he should be good, right?

Ultimately, there’s never enough “actual action” for us to ever really be certain who is who, so my beef is just grist for the mill. Knock yourself out, Vic! We’ll never be able to fact check you.

Make Vrooom for Dougie

Boy, that was a great move by Gil, benching his first- and second-string QBs out of spite to let his emergency QB play out the string and get injured so he can’t play basketball. Stroke of genius there, Arschloch.

That walking boot isn’t enough to keep poor Fleming from hobbling to The Bucket for a beverage and a communal basket of fries. (The heat must not be working well there since yet another kid with keyhole bangs won’t take his toque off. Then again, that may be a watch cap and pea coat he’s wearing and he’s soon off to take first watch. Does Milford High have a JNROTC?) Doug Guthrie, on the other hand, isn’t hobbling or walking to The Bucket but announcing his arrival with a VROOOM! Could this be shades of 1958, when Gil’s biggest challenges to Mudlark success weren’t his shitty coaching ability and dim-witted players Milford’s rivals in the Valley but hot rods and jobs to pay for hot rods? We’ll know for sure when Gil tells his players to start taking more set shots and underhanded free throws. A call (and another shout-out of thanks) to TWIM‘s Sports Information Director billytheskink may be in order.