This Week in Milford

July 11, 2020



Ridiculousness is an MTV show that’s kind of like a more painful version of America’s Funniest Home Videos, starring some flatbiller skateboarder type and with a panel consisting of a rapper, a guest and a woman who laughs like SpongeBob. It’s one of son of teenchy’s guilty pleasures and that’s about all I know about it.

Ridiculousness is also what these past four months have been in this strip. Today this inanity has come to an end and in the most predictable, yet contrived manner possible. I can’t hammer home hard enough how ridiculous it was for Gil not to stand up for Mike against Dr. Pearl and the school board, how even more ridiculous it was for that non-Hadley V. Baxendale lawyer to roll over and play dead without putting up any kind of fight (seriously, are there any decent lawyers in Milford?), and how most ridiculous that someone at State U. bought Gil’s story that Mike’s challenging the Mudlarks to a baseball game, assembling the Valley Modified Freakazoids! and leading them to an ass-whooping-turned-gorgefest somehow exemplified “leadership, responsibility, perseverance” and reversed The Mayor’s rejection decision. (Phew! Gotta watch my pulse rate.)

What else was ridiculous? Mike’s gal pal Phoebe not telling him to put away the butter knife as soon as she saw him whip it out. The Lady Mudlarks’ lack of pitching depth and Mimi’s one-girl rotation (not the first time we’ve seen that). The way the Lady Mudlarks fell off the radar once their lack of pitching depth was shown. The self-congratulatory catering of Gil, Kaz, Rooney and Mimi. Anna Karenina Corinna Corinna bringing softball gear to a baseball game. (BTW, we missed an opportunity to bring up the monster catcher’s mitt Paul Richards designed for Clint Courtney and Gus Triandos to use when catching knuckleballer Hoyt Wilhelm.)  Finally, we have the ridiculousness of Mike’s former teammates pelting him with their gloves. Hope you don’t end up with a concussion, Mayor!

So a redemptive ending for Mike Knappe via Gilberto ex machina. But what will happen to the Valley Modified Kids? Where’s Ardis Carhee’s Gil Thorp to pull his nuts out of the fire? Where’s Corinna “Don’t Call Me Karen” Karenina’s Mimi to help her overcome her authority issues? These Dead End Kids will be tossed aside and forgotten like so many cardboard cutouts of fans that will populate MLB stadiums if and when the majors resume their sham of a 60-game season in a couple of weeks. That, gentle readers, is the even bigger tragedy here – one that Neil Rubin has used to take us to this slapdash happy ending that, really, isn’t all that happy.



July 3, 2020

Wasnt this gonna be a big game?

Dont know where to start- fielding tips, batting tips, pizza breaks, an umpire who by all rights should’ve headed for the hills an hour ago, and now — a sub sandwich delivery guy??  I’ve heard of fiascos but this – tops em all. Its almost turning into a Harlem Globetrotters game, where a semblance of a basketball game turns into a charade with goofy timeouts, confetti in a water bucket, and non-competitive action.

But the difference is WE KNEW BEFOREHAND! This shambles of a game is wasting the time of the fans in the stands (where have they been for 3 days?) and of course Mr. Umpire, who has the balls of a midget. No ump worth his salt would put up with anything like this fiasco. Throw everyone out of the park and go home. Thats what a real man in blue would do. Wasting his fuckin time showing delinquents how to play baseball.. not happening, man. Gimme my 25 bucks and see ya.

Of course with the odd angle of the catcher in P2, the ump stands a good chance of getting clocked in the nuts with a well-timed fastball. But since he doesnt have any, no worries.

July 1, 2020

How Long Before the Dancing Flash Mob?


We’re back from the pizza break. Just how did those pizzas ex machina show up? Please tell me one of the VM! kids leaned on Nick of Nick’s Pizza to get them gratis. “Nice delivery van you got there. Shame if something happened to it.” Now let’s see if any of these kids puke ’em up like the football players did with their sloppy joes last summer.

Wouldn’t this have been much more entertaining if Rubin had stuck to the old ’80s movie conceits, like in Animal House, Bachelor Party or Revenge of the Nerds? Instead we’re left to watch him trot out more random crap to pad this final week of the arc. The ump is as ready to get this over as we are; I think he heard the malls were reopening and is ready to get back to work at Foot Locker. No wonder he’s annoyed at yet another time out being called – but who’s calling it? Who the hell is this young lady stepping out to give Ardis a “quick pointer or two,” and why did she wait so long to do it? Couldn’t this have happened last week, when the Dead End Kids were practicing?

June 29, 2020

Is There A Gluten Free Option?

Filed under: actual action, baseball, Exploding Eyeball Syndrome, softball, Valley Modified — nedryerson @ 5:44 am

This little game just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Big turnout, swapping players, lending equipment and now some cool dude in a van shows up with 20 pizzas. OMG, it’s the wackiest “game” we’ve ever seen.

This will be fun for the spectators. They can watch these kids eat. (I think that’s what’s missing in spectator sports today, meal breaks for the competitors.) I hope they have some tables and chairs. Some plates and napkins would be good too. If not hey can just spread twenty pizza boxes in the infield dirt and the teams can stand around eating pizza to the delight of the crowd.

June 17, 2020

This Plot Finally Gets Its Much-Needed Crutch


P1: Don’t look so surprised, Mimi. You knew her ankle looked sketchy. Where was Trainer Rick Scott when you needed him? Does he only train for the football team?

P2: Having once again failed to develop any pitching depth (see Radley, Boo and Hobson, Carrie), Mimi resorts to strategically planting land mines along the basepaths. Unfortunately the mines aren’t very powerful and the Madison runner still scores. An eye for an eye and an ankle for an ankle won’t cut it in the Valley, Mimi. As if you care.

P3: Ah yes, back to the perspective we’re used to in this strip: Girls watching boys. At least I think that’s a girl. Maybe it’s Phoebe and she’ll help Mike and the Misfits hone their skills to beat the Mudlarks. After it’s all done she’ll say it was her way of protesting the draconian zero-tolerance policy that went unchallenged and sent Mike down this path of pathos.

June 3, 2020

It Helps If You Chant “MEAN MACHINE” While You Read This


Once again Neal Rubin has driven the Milford High Activity Bus off the road and into the ditch. What was being set up as some kind of indictment of school zero-tolerance policies has morphed into some weird-ass pickup game challenge that’s equal parts The Sandlot and The Longest Yard. As farfetched as it is I have a hunch it will come to pass, since Gil’s Mudlarks will probably miss the playdowns as per usual.

This comes off as more ego gratification for the walking ego that is Mike Knappe, but I’m picking up broad hints that there’s a bigger message being sent here: don’t fight the system, accept the hand you’re dealt, and when life gives you lemons, suck on them. Not the best of timing there.

I’m sure Rubin’s got his reasons for going down this path but unlike the Caretaker, I ain’t got eight years to hear them.

May 22, 2020

The ‘Arder They Come


Late in the day before I realized that robmize was taking the weekend off and left Friday to our devices. So I don’t have much to say here except that the first kid we meet in juvie Valley Modified is Ardis Carhee. Googling “Ardis Carhee” gave me exactly one result:


That ain’t Michigan, but maybe it’s near Luckey, or Haskins. Whatever.

What’s Ardis in for? Obsessive-compulsive desk polishing? Nah, just messing with you. He’s probably in for some violation of a Tilden zero-tolerance policy, like bringing a church key to class to open a can of Johnson’s Wax to polish a desktop. Tune in tomorrow to find out what’s up with Ardis and what plans these rude boys have in store.



May 12, 2020

Peter Pan, An Ordinary Table Knife, And District Tomfoolery, Not Necessarily In That Order.


At the District School Board meeting at Mudlark Lake Resort and Hadley V. Baxendale and Clarence Darrow representing The Mayor and William Jennings Bryan representing District Policy, a buzzword Dr. Pearl threw out one day when she was losing lines in the script and had to scramble for a reason why she should still be a part of the personnel at Milford High School and didn’t want to get bunked by Mr. Weatherbee who doesn’t confront Archie and Jughead with expulsion reports in triplicate

“The meeting will be called to order. The board recognizes the President of the Board, King Herod.”


Mister Mayor, it’s nice to meet you, we are finally in this room

We have heard much about you from the cradle to the tomb

And now your dietary artistry is presently on display

We’d love to watch you gulp a cow, at least that’s what you say


So if you are The Mayor

Yes, The Wonderful Mayor

Prove to us that you’re no fool

Eat the whole big brick high school


If you show it to us

Then we won’t cause a fuss

Come on, King of the ‘Larks


The exploding eye says it all. And who can blame him? Minutes before, he’s on the baseball field warming up and now he’s not only told to hand in his uniform but he can no longer enter the school because he’d be trespassing. Of course, Gil is trespassing because he does no coaching but so far he has not had to call Hadley V. Yet.

Why didn’t it surprise any of us? Dr. Gonzo was twiddling her thumbs like she had since the Renaissance and The Mayor was creative and disgusting in his choice of breakfast so it was just a matter of time before their paths would cross. You knew that when Dr. Gonzo showed up on the baseball diamond, it wasn’t to bring Z in the lineup to shut down the rally. I wouldn’t want Dr. Spock coming to the mound when I’m pitching, asking for the ball, fer sure.

“Dr. Pearl, you’re dressed like Devo. Is somebody getting Due Processed?”


Because I’m a little befuddled about pet stores selling animal vitamin supplements

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Fined Severely By The Milford City Works Council After Incident At Fire Hydrant.”

sub headline

“I knew I should have gone easy on the Ex-Lax with my poodle.”


And as long as we keep ringing up the charges, we might as well add carrying another concealed weapon, i.e., eyes that explode out of their socket. Boy, Dr. Pearl is having a field day today. She hasn’t warranted this much attention since she received Paper Pusher Lifetime Achievement Award from the Milford Kiwanis Club. Way to take charge, Dr. Gonzo. Your moment in the sun is fleeting and could disappear by the time Marty Moon hits the airwaves. Too bad you don’t have a sexy goatee on your chin or you might have bought some time. Maybe that explains why Marty never has to revert to sticking his cranium right back in his ass. Image is everything. Get the hint, Gonzo. Who sits at the bleachers at a ball game dressed like Granny Clampett in her space suit? No wonder why you’ll eventually have to return your beehive right back in its socket. What a career. Nailing a guy on threatening the hallways with his peanut butter knife and his pupils is the benchmark of an educational journey well-spent.

I remember in The Enforcer where Dirty Harry is interviewing potential police officers to roam the streets of San Francisco and Tyne Daly plays one of the candidates being interviewed. There’s a delegate from the City to monitor the interviews to make sure women candidates are given a fair shake. Harry’s final question is basically Harry is committing prostitution with this delegate and a donkey at Harry’s house and Harry asks the candidate what crime is being committed. She rattles off the correct interpretation, more than satisfying The Board’s (and Harry’s) question.

Ooooooookkkkkk, so at Dr. Pearl’soffice, Gil poses a question for The Mayor

“Okay, Aceves threatens to commit prostitution with Ms. Rizk and an elephant if you don’t start calling him Z but you retaliate by saying that if he has anal sex with Dumbo that you’ll blast him with your eyeballs and cut up Ms. Rizk with your Jif knife. Do you know what crime the District Policy charged you with?”

“That’s a felony under Milford School Handbook guidelines Section 8, Article 12, Clause 134 stating ‘No student is permitted to bring any animal on school premises and execute illicit, illegal, immoral, and questionable activity with said animal. Penalties could lead to up to and including expulsion. Prostitution with another teacher is a misdemeanor under Milford School Gu-”

“Yes, yes, acceptable answers, Mr. Krappy-”


“Good answers, Mr. Krackerjack. We will inform you of the Disttrict Board’s decision on Tuesday. My beehive should be permed out of Milford Beauty Salon by then.”


You have a reputation, you amaze with your Thermos jug

You can swallow Trix and ale, then sweep it under the rug

Oh ho ho, we are waiting, yes, we are captive fans

We’re dyi g to be shown that you inhale grapes from a can


So, if you are The Mayor, yes, The Fabulous Mayor

Spread epoxy on your bread, you can do it on your head

If you show it to me, then we’ll let you go free

Come on, King of the ‘Larks


If ya shoot an 8-point with your eyeballs and ya can git around the Game Warden cuz ya shot it in the off-season but it didn’t involve any weapons, ya might be a redneck.

I wouldn’t to get on the bad side of Mrs. Krappy right about now. She’s throwing her whole FACE at Dr. Gonzo while Gonzo is showing us the proper positioning were she sitting in her personal loo. Thank God, she’s not wiping her butt in the scheme of things. I wouldn’t even be squeezing the Charmin.

And what’s adding crap to Charmin is that the wind has been taken out of The Mayor’s sails and who can blame him? I’ll admit he was a fly in your ointment who flew around with some questionable meal combos, I mean, don’t order these combos at The Bucket drive-thru. Big Macs and Krylon with something to drink really isn’t too appetizing (“Would you like to make that a large combo for a dollar more?”) . No Diet Pepsi and Glidden Paint, thank you.

But face it, The Mayor is getting the shaft. It’s why I personally feel zero-tolerance has its shortcomings. If a teacher doesn’t like you, you could say that you will make him read Gil Thorp: The Lost Years if he doesn’t give you an “A” for the course and that teacher automatically say you were threatening him. It doesn’t take much to start the fire.

“Okay, The Board would like you to talk about your latest felony arrest.”

“I’ve never made one.”

“Well, then maybe you’ll tell The Board your latest misdemeanor arrest.”

“I’ve never done that either.”


“You think Granny Clampett ought to be skinning the squirrrels for dinner when she isn’t scouring her Dr. Spock outfit on the scrub board, is that it, Harry?”

“Gil, what do you think this is? Bert and Ernie? I want to know Dr. Pearl’s reaction when Teddy Blue points a gun at her and says “READ ‘GIL’S SEX LIFE IN 30 WORDS OR LESS’ OR I’LL BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Dr. Pearl’s place is at the copying machine in the faculty lounge, is that it?”

“Better than getting your ass blown off at the Milford High School Soccer Complex!!!!!!!! Her space suit doesn’t belong in the pitch!!!!!!!!”

“It’s my space suit!!!!!!!! My grandmother knitted it when she wasn’t lathering grandpa’s beard with soap and dye and putting it next to the deer skins to be tanned in the log cabin.”

“Yeah, and my sex life could fill 2 paragraphs.”


“Gil, Lassie pooped in the yard again.”

“Okay, I’ll cut back the dosage on the Ther-a-Gram.”


I am trying to be nice. I promised my mom I’d be nice (not really, but it sounds good) . But when Mrs. Krappy is directly confronting Dr. Pearl and threatening her with a lawyer, you’d expect the desk to be facing straight ahead. And we know that’s a phone to the left so it doesn’t qualify in the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. It DOES qualify, desk and phone in the entire package, in the Pantheon of Mysterious Angles. As long as I’m going to get blown away with strong admonitions, I’d like for the desk to not be at right angles with the phone or the desk proving Lobachevsky’s Theorem. Next time can the sides of the desks be supplementary angles to each other? Otherwise, that black underpinning under Dr. Pearl’s desk isn’t the only enigma we’re trying to solve in the Milford Mensa Society Manual Appendix.


We’d only ask things we’d ask any SuperMayor

What food you drink each night to bed that puts you way up there

Don’t be shyyyy, there’s talent in those veins

You can down a legume shake if you’ll only take the reins


So if you are The Mayor

The Infallible Mayor

Prove to us that you’re inspired

Pour some syrup on your tires


That’s all you must do

Then we’ll know it’s all true

Come on, King of the ‘Larks


This is about as chickenshit as Gil has gotten in a while. Not only has he done zilch coaching, now he’s going to add fuel to the fire by cleaning out The Mayor’s locker. Boy, what nerve. Makes me want to throw the Healthy Choice Chicken Breast Tenders and Mashed Potatoes that The Mayor has stuffed in his locker at Gil. I’ll save that little brownie that comes in all those dinners and mess up Dr. Pearl’s beehive with it so that it looks like a gigantic brown turd to exemplify her mentality. Roan hornet’s nests and paper-pushing will never go hand-in-hand any suaver.

“Archie, have you seen Ms. Grundy’s hair? We better tell the ‘Bee that she drank too much Milk of Magnesia again in Study Hall.”

“I agree, Jughead. She only has so many teeth. Don’t want that to get browner than her hair. That stuff can spread all over her body. We have enough bullshit at Riverdale.”


Ooooooookkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back for Match Game 2020 to resume this plot back to where it rightfully belongs. Take her away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Coach Thorp was going to her son’s locker to remove the _________________________.”


I hope you sleep well, Gil.


“And we’ll be back to see what items will be taken out of Archie’s locker including his rancid jock straps with months-old brown stains on them and his Orville Redenbacher Gasohol-Popped Popcorn after saying that Coach Kleats puts Geritol in his Maxwell House for breakfast after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”


“Folks, I didn’t want to do it. Mike Krapper was like a son to me. But when he enticed Keri and Jaime to listen to Springsteen’s ‘Jungleland’ that was blasting out of his car speakers, I had to draw the line. I’m not having him flash a Gibson like a table knife just to sell a record, let alone find a spot on the roster.”

But that’s a Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out for now. We’ll have more of ‘Darkness on the Edge of Town’ and ‘Tunnel of Love’ to listen to at the District Board Meeting.

But listen to this!!!!!!!!!!!! You don’t need to bring in ‘Ballad of Tom Joad’ on your Close ‘n’ Play to take advantage of these fantastic deals at Milford Beverage Warehouse. And the deals just got sweeter. For every $25 purchase, you’ll receive absolutely free vitamin supplements for your pet from Milford Pet Supply.

Folks, sometimes your mutt needs a little incentive to keep on licking his master. That’s why a purchase of a 24-Pack of Michelob Ultra plus a couple of cans of Falls City Dark out of the machine will get you a healthy portion of Green Coast Lickables and Supplements. That’s right, if your pooch has iron-poor blood, you won’t have to worry about mixing the pills in with his Alpo, you can watch your pooch  lick it straight out of the bowl while you’re downing a brewski on your recliner. Like Dave Brubeck used to sing, life’s so free and easy.

Want to see your pet rid of fleas? Sure, we all do. Purchase 2 12-Packs of Mike’s Hard Lemonade and not only can you party the night away, you can watch your kitty or German shepard sleep in its bed peacefully, thanks to Petlock Max Flea and Tick Preventatives and Supplements. No more watching you get down to The Trampps’ ‘Disco Inferno’ only to get interrupted because Rin Tin Tin is scracthing his ears for the 28th time at the bacchanalian venture. A bloodhound feeling regular with good bowel movement and liberated from fleas and ticks makes things easier to take when the Milford Police raid the celebration.

But some poodles and tabbies have problems from the other end. Believe me, it’s no fun watching my dogs and cats sneeze all over the floor and have to eventually call Milford 24-Hour Carpet Cleaning Incorporated and have the house roped off all day. You can only do so much hiking with your kids at Milford Nature Center. The Milford Petting Zoo only has so many animals. No orangutans to keep the kids entertained.

That’s why a purchase of 2 Jose Cuervo’s in the 750ml containers comes in handy when you’re wanting NaturVet Allergy Supplements. Talk about Lassie taking Ny-Quil. I no longer have to worry about 2 carpet cleaning guys attach hoses with their cracks obvious enough for my kids to be making jokes because my dog didn’t have a Kleenex. I’ll down a bottle of Cuervo while Mimi is drinking her Squoze on the patio anytime.

But don’t take my word for it. Come and get your own slice of The Good Life and Doggie and Kitty odor sprays so that everybody is one big happy family. And what makes it nicer, your Visa Gold is welcome anytime. Come on, don’t be afraid to use your plastic on booze and Sentry WormX supplements. That sounds environmentally friendly to me. Come on down to our environment and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

Yes, you mean the world to me but, no, I ain’t helping Coach Thorp on this one. He’s on his own.



You are not The Mayor

No, you haven’t the flair

You’re not a player

Or a student

Just a stupid little rodent

Take him away

He has nothinng to say

Get out King of the

Oh, leave The Board alone you King of the

Go sell your recipes at The Bucket

King of the ‘Larks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


At the Thorp household one fine morning

“Mommy, that man with the steam cleaner has a butt bigger than Daddy’s.”

“Kids!!!!!!!!!! I think I just heard the Milford Ice Cream truck pull up!!!!!!!! Here’s $5!!!!!! Go get some popsicles!!!!!!!!”

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