This Week in Milford

December 12, 2018

In Milford, Some of Us All Look Alike

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Wow, feels nice to free myself from the constraints of the haiku form.  Wish I had more to say today.  Bet it would feel nice for Whigham to free himself from the constraints of using the same facial features and hairstyles for all of his Mudlarks.  Let’s take a closer look at that first panel, shall we?

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Do these two not have identical noses?  I leave it to you, gentle readers, to draw your own conclusions.  Guessing Marcell doesn’t use his first name, Duwan.

I reckon after multiple seasons Rubin has decided to imbue Man of a Thousand Faces and Hairstyles “Marginal” Mike Filion with a personality and backstory.  He’s been quiet ever since we’ve been introduced to him, speaking only when spoken to by Gil or Kaz.  But Neal needs another extroverted look-at-me guy to make his plots go, so Filion it is.

Meanwhile Bobby Howry plots his revenge via billboard…

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December 5, 2018

But Did Milford Beat Tilden?

Remember football?

Pepperidge Farm remembers

But Milford doesn’t

 

“VT P-U”? Is

Valley Tech playing Dover

Boys from Pimento?

 

Rough year for Techies

Old Dominion beat VT

Now it’s Milford’s turn

 

Milford not used to

Being number one for a while

Sign guy broke his wrist

 

Hiawatha James

Remember him from baseball?

Great name but no lines

 

Know what else is an

Uncharacteristic romp?

No Jansen and no Bolek

 

Also no cheap shots

Express or implied

Where’s the burial?

 

 

metapost: Trying to learn to use the new WordPress Gutenberg editor on the fly.  Hope this doesn’t look too wonky.

December 1, 2018

Rammer Jammer, Gil Can Yammer

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Tonight on WDIG

Listen for Marty Moon’s call:

“Injury report:

 

Jansen, Ruffin have

Hyperextended right legs,

Will miss finale”

 

Uniforms are red

Just like the herring: Tiki’s

“Slow sister” problem 

 

Did Rubin forget?

Why even mention her?

Bullies the problem

 

Speaking of bullies:

Why for the love of Pete would

Jansen go back there?

 

New Thayer, where

The bullies go scot free while

Victim has to leave

 

Maybe New Thayer

Is better for special needs

We will never know

 

And what of Bolek?

Thought he’d help analyze film

Team might get better

 

Maybe film useless

When all the coach can do is

Make the kids run laps

 

We can all agree

Plot was stupider than hell

Let’s go shoot some hoops

November 17, 2018

Like We Needed Another Plot Twist

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Tiki Jansen was

Eligible after all?

Anticlimactic

 

Why didn’t we see

Dr. Pearl? Always up for

Granny Clampett* action

 

Gil is hesitant

To reinstate Tiki ’cause

He’s a good player?

 

Well, that seals the deal

Gil knows he’s being unfair

Tanking the season

 

Proves beyond a doubt

Milford’s state championship

Was just a fluke

 

“Damn that True Standish!

Unicorn in football cleats

Made me have to work!”

 

Any Milford wins

Come in spite of Gil’s “coaching”

Not because of it

 

What’s this? Another

Plot twist? Something besides the

“Slow sister” excuse?

 

What kind of baggage

Is Tiki dragging with him?

Do we even care?

 

Maybe he should try

Anger management classes

Worked for Van Auken

 

 

*Yes, I know her character’s actual name was Daisy Moses.

November 13, 2018

Does Anybody Really Know What Time This Problematic Plot Will End?

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You KNOW this plot is wearing out its welcome when the World Book Encyclopedias are in full view in P3. Usually those things are off in the background  or in the corner of the cartoon panel out of the way and you have to be rid of toxic wastes or sober to notice them. But today, you could be stoned on Jack or reached Nirvana on your heroin and experiencing a Triple Cheese Bucketburger and Diet Chili Fries and medium drink (tax included) down at The Bucket with Timothy Leary (with Timothy picking up the tab) and, damn, what is Gil doing reading in the “G” volume of Encyclopedia Brittanica? Is he looking up “Gardening”? Helping Kaz with the latter’s Introductory Geography class because the latter forgot the capital of Guam? Read the Milford Enquirer in the Stock Market Report and saw a future in “Granite”? Just don’t use your house or Mimi’s team as collateral, Gil.

And remember when Dagwood, in the Chic Young days, would go to the department store with Blondie and shop for clothes and jewelry and cosmetics, etc. that Blondie had a hunkering for? And remember when Blondie would bounce ideas off of Dagwood and eventually say something comical or stupid, Dagwood would ejaculate a retort, accompanied in the background by a clump of people (again, normally the corner of the panel) who were always present at Dagwood and The Amazing Technicolor Retort? As if they were in the Lawn and Garden Department shopping for weed eaters or in the Electronics Department shopping for “Howard Stassen Sings Slim Whitman When He’s Not Running For President Again” CD or the Hardware Department sniffing out the cheapest Sam’s Choice light bulb (4000 hours and still keeps on going even if you accidentally piss on it) but if they heard Dagwood rebuke Blondie with a damning squelch, they’d drop the Stassen CD and come running like a herd of buffalo just in time. I’m surprised the buffalo never broke the glass on the counters in front of them. Bison stopping on a dime? Impressed.

But now the bison HAVE broken the glass and just about devastated Wal-Mart altogether, making Black Friday appear to be kindergartners overrunning the substitute teacher because they wanted an extra cookie on their stomachs during nap time. In other words, WORLD BOOK HAS TAKEN OVER YOUR OFFICE, GIL. Don’t Fear the Reaper, Gil, cuz he and World Book and the bison snuck through your prairie-style windows and set up shop.

Therefore, I brought along a VERY popular group from the late ’60’s-early ’70’s, Chicago, to kick some booty on this plot and sweep up the detritus even as we kick. Originally called Chicago Transit Authority, they were forced to change the name when the City of Chicago threatened to sue over copyright infringement. So they became Chicago which to me has a better ring to it anyway and I’m sure the group of Robert Lamm, Terry Kath (RIP, My Man, Hendrix loved you) Peter Cetera, Danny Seraphine, James Pankow, Lee Loughnane, and Walter Parazaider would agree.

 

As I walking up to Gil one day

He showed me that his Sportswatch lost a gear and lost the race cuz it went cold deeeeaaaaaadddddd

Yeah

And I said

Does anybody really know when this crap will end?

Does anybody really care?

And so I can’t imagine why

We’re not on tenterhooks while it dies

Gang, we know we are subjected from time to time to a bad joke teller who gets on our nerves with his/her jokes only his/her mother would laugh at(occasionally debatable). But we’re all Christians and we don’t want to hurt the poor schmuck’s/schmuckess’ feelings. Therefore, we laugh politely, hoping he/she will see “mene, mene, tekel, parsin” like Daniel did in The Bible and stop with the bad comedy schtick and move on, preferably to Qatar. Many time Joe/Jane Jokehacker indeed leaves on the next ocean liner to Angola or at least goes home(unfortunately, like moonshine, to brew more bad humor). We’re off the hook because we laughed politely, if not sincerely. C’mon, the joke was bad, we’re just steering out of trouble.

However, so that both parties wind up in a win-win situation, DO NOT implement the Elmer Fudd Polite Laughter Technique, i.e., HAHAHAHAHAHA. Not only will he think you are just trying to get him/her off your back, he/she won’t go home to conjure up more crappy humor. Now you’re stuck with a major problem. Allow me to demonstrate:

 

Joe: What is white and black and looks like Mt. Everest all over?

Jane: I give up.

Joe: Gil’s hair.

Jane: Shhhhhhhhhh, be vewy, vewy, quiet. I’m hunting wabbits. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Joe: You didn’t think it was funny?

 

I think you get the message. Here’s another example:

 

Gil: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Kaz: I give up.

Gil: To get to the other side.

Kaz: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Better late than never. Pialeavinte (“PEEL-a-VINT-ee”) Hernandez, of Jeffersonville, Indiana, gets a shout-out after showing me her lust and zest for life even though she is confined to a wheelchair. “Can’t do” is not in her vocabulary, not at any time. She now works at Wal-Mart and stocks the shelves with the best of them. Rather than sit at home and mope, she has chosen to wise up and live. Gotta hand it to her, she is an inspiration to me and I hope she is to you. God Bless You, Pialeavinte. I salute you.

This I encountered at the Shell Convenient Mart at their mini-TV screen while I was pumping gas

The Word of the Day: Stentorian: Loud and harsh-sounding, often in a rude and obnoxious manner.

Okay. An example is in order

Mimi was confronted in the gym by the Milford Police after her stentorian coaching to her players about how to implement the pick-and-roll was heard several blocks down the street, reaching the second-shift bartender at the Milford Lounge.

Oh, what the heck, how ’bout another example, gang?

Dr. Pearl’s stentorian threats to the union steward representing the cafeteria ladies that Dr. Pearl would hire scabs if the union wouldn’t cave in to the 1.00 an hour increase(union was bucking for 1.50/hour) fell on deaf ears. The union was going to proceed to picket in front of Milford Mall.

 

And, I’m sorry, but the only thing that comes to my mind when talking about living in uninhabited quarters is The Amityville Horror. Aside from the fact that the book is one of the few that scared the Living Hell out of me, this plot is not only pressing its luck, it’s doing so with unnecessary weirdness.

“Sure, Coach, I’m fine. Every now and then I see Ronald DeFeo, Jr. hacking up his  mom and dad in the bath tub and machine-gunning the children in the breakfast nook and, wait, I also see buffalo stampeding Ronald Defeo, Jr. in the laundry room every night at 1:00 A.M. and Dagwood and Beezelbub singing “The Antichrist Is Coming” in a duet to the tune of “Christmas is Coming” (…please to put your claws and fangs in some dead rat’s blood…) on the verandah and pigs and buffalo look at my house every morning when I leave for school and I’ve occasionally heard a marching band play “Moon River” by the front door, Andy Williams coming from the grave for an encore, otherwise, I’m eligible.

Shout-out to Shawna Vickers, from Louisville, Kentucky. She does an excellent job in dispatch at TARC (Transit Authority of River City). With all the routes and drivers running this way and that, she is VERY patient in straightening out any problems that may come her way. Remember, many people have doctor appointments and important meetings to go to but she ALWAYS delivers in motivating the drivers to those people there. Shawna, if nobody else recognizes the hard work and aplomb you put into the job, I WILL. SOMEBODY needs to notice. I salute you, Shawna. You make the city of Louisville AND America run.

Gil: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Kaz: I give up.

Gil: It heard the Milford Stadium might be sold out and so it ran its ass off, avoiding getting run over by J.B. Hunt semi’s and Yellow Cabs and a station wagon full of soccer kids and mopeds and Evinrude motorboats and Apollo 8 rockets and Milford & Oakwood Express to get to the other side to get an early seat.

Kaz: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

As I was walking down the street one day

I caught Mimi cussing at her diamond watch with 19th-century diamonds dug during the Victorian age with a lap timer for the Milford Marathon and was once pawned off by Winston Churchill when the British economy was stagnant  before Bretton Woods could address the issue replete with sapphire studs around the wristband that glow in the dark a plus when Mimi’as trying to find her key to get inside and a partridge in a pear tree and she said Gil spit his phloem at the wrong angle and that it was  cold deeeeeaaaaaddddddddd

And I said

Does anybody really know what time this trash will cease?

Does anybody really care?

And, Lord, I honestly try to imagine why

All the excuses why we shouldn’t cry

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Oil Inc. Fined $25,000 For Illegal Parking!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

Milford Oil spokesperson insists tanker was parked between the yellow lines.

Shout-out to Lisa Kik for 21 years at Workwell Industries. Man, I’m impressed by your dedication and hard work to make this great nation even greater. Whatever you do, you attack with a vengeance. You ALWAYS put 110% into what you do. And I will also remember your niece, Adline (AD-leen) . She is very dear to your heart, I can tell. And that is how it should be, to care for things and people that will always pay you back down the road with their gratitude. I hope Adline becomes like you, Lisa, hard-working, unselfish, and great believer in God. May God truly bless you.

Oh, what the heck, the examples keep popping up in my head

Marty’s stentorian drinking at Milford Lounge was only matched by the stentorian chewing out by the WDIG President of Marty because the ratings had hit the skids at last week’s football game.

Gil’s stentorian snoring forced Mimi to sleep in the boiler room at Milford High School because Steve Luhm was applying the final coat of wax in Mimi’s office. Mimi refused to sleep any further with Gil until he marched his ass down to Milford Men’s Clinic and treated his stentorian erectile problems AND subsequently marched his ass down to the Dr. McCoy Sleep Apnea Center at Milford General to treat his obnoxious, stentorian snoring.

Dagwood: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Mr. Dithers and Blondie: We give up.

Dagwood: To get to the other side.

Mr. Dithers and Blondie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Dagwood: You didn’t like the joke?

Insert rebuke

Mr. Dithers and Blondie: Do you realize how old that joke is?

Buffalo stampeding the Children’s Department at Kohl’s, ripping up all the Underoos.

And I was walking down the street one day

Being pushed and shoved by Mudlarks trying to break these panels and dump this plot on its head

And I said

Does anybody really know what time this plot will end?

Does anybody really care?

And so I cannot fathom why

We left our brains from this to fry

Gang, comment away. I have another example of stentorian to leave you with (If you don’t like it, may you be eternally confined with Tiki at his living quarters with pigs and buffalo). Take her away, Bob Eubanks

“Couple #3, How would you describe your sex life will your say as ‘stentorian’?”

Coach Shaw on a roll

“Oh, man, when I’m humpin’ and pumpin’ like a dog on a fire hydrant and skinnin’ my wife like a 10-point buck and rippin’ her guts, not literally but sexually, she turns me into a saber-toothed tiger!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Well, Tony the Tiger, the answer is not so GRRRRRREEAAATTTTTTT!!!!!!!!! She answered when you’re arguing while you’re trying to avoid her and you wind up in the sugar maple tree in your yard because your whim-whim got beaten down by the stapler.”

“Honeyyyyy, you know we sold the stapler at our yard sale last week.”

“You still have to use the magnet to yank out the staples.”

“Coach Shaw, I hope the Superconductivity is high.”

The Milford Mudlark gym-turned-into-studio audience roars with laughter.

Good ol’ Bob. Knows how to keep cameo coaches in line. Like that in a man.

 

Gil: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Kaz: I give up

Gil: It was heading to Milford Community College because it heard there was a symposium that was in the process of solving Fermat’s Last Theorem and it had the proof and the papers in its claw, pointing out several flaws such as the 1 hadn’t been carried when they were adding x^n + y^n = z^n, that the n was a prime, not a composite number, throwing the whole proof off, therefore the radical had to be a negative within the radical, naturally, rendering it an imaginary number, therefore stymieing Bertrand Russell’s assertion that imaginary numbers belonged in Marty’s goatee, and that the exponent n was really part of the Commutative Property of Equality, refuting the argument that

x^n + y^n = z^n

However

z^n doesn’t equal x^n + y^n when switched around,

thereby rendering Side-Angle-Side Theorem totally futile and the chicken was on the verge of achieving fortune and fame via negating this misapplied thesis but before it could stand on the Shoulders of Giants, the Pepsi truck ran it over in the parking lot.

Kaz: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Gil: You didn’t think it was funny?

Kaz: Some of my best friends love imaginary numbers.

November 7, 2018

Meet Skip Tracy, née Bob Kazinski

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Here we go again

Kaz plays detective because

He can’t coach for shit

 

Pine Trace landlord is

Quick to give the deets about

Tiki’s apartment

 

Like a Motel 6

Maybe Kaz should work for ICE

Where’s “Rick” Soto now?

 

Next, Kaz is calling

The Microsoft campus. Why?

Oh, it’s COACH Redmond!

 

Is he at New Thayer?

Must be. Why the hell else would

Kaz be calling him?

 

New Thayer must have

A real crappy school system

To leave for Milford

 

Why else would you move

Into a dumpy place on

The poor side of town?

 

The missing subtext:

The Valley’s full of income

Inequality

 

November 3, 2018

Here’s Where The Story Should End

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Gil lit Tiki up

Worse than any wide receiver

That ain’t Andre’s biz

 

Just keep practicing

But never suit up for games?

Just quit already!

 

“Lit up” for nothing?

Mudlarks can lose without you

Still miss the playdowns

 

Tiki’s sister is

More important than football

Family comes first

 

Sticking with Gil Thorp’s

Transit analogy, that

Car won’t drive itself

 

The only thing that

Keeps me interested in

This stumbling plot:

 

Anticipating

The crow Gil will have to eat

When truth comes to light

 

 

 

November 1, 2018

Hey, Hey, Glad Gil Only Wants To Get You Fried On Monday, Tiki

Filed under: actual action, exposition comics, Gil Thorp, Goshen, Pissy faced Gil — tdrewhardin @ 4:14 pm

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Uh oh. Tiki’s gonna get a paddling on Monday. You saw it coming. How many times were we going to see Tiki racing with his pants on fire to practices, classes, games, poker tournaments, sand volleyball matches at Milford Lounge, pro wrestling matches between Jerry Lawler and Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart at the Milford Colosseum, union rallies, Bar-B-Q luncheons at the Milford Civitan Club at the Milford IGA meeting room before Gil was FINALLY going to put his foot down and TAKE CHARGE!!!!!!! Only logical, it’s November, about when the plot is mired in the swamp and just BEGGING for somebody to perform a Molly Hatchet and get them cannons jumped and fired up again. The difference was, Molly got it going in the heat of the battle which is why she deserves a place in history while Gil used the jumper cables on the cannons after the British won and left for Ticonderoga. Gil, you’re not going to win too many battles or games if you cross the Delaware after the Redcoats have recrossed The Pond and gone back home.

And what REALLY is going to be the punishment? Take out all the waste cans in each classroom and give Steve Luhm a free vacation? Use an Oral B toothbrush to clean the toilet in Gil’s personal bathroom in his office? Be the timer for all 5 games for Mimi’s team? When Mr. C grounded Richie because the latter spent too much time admiring The Fonz’s Harley instead of going to school, the punishment fit the crime. But with Coach T., I’m getting a sick gut feeling we’re going to see Pandora’s Box, punishments ranging from the switch to the Salem Witch Trial method, being put on the rack and stretched and/or locked down in the stocks in the middle of the school cafeteria or even a mystery punishment (“Hang from the flagpole in front of WDIG studios”). But Gil is taking charge. Finally.

 

 

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Only want to get you bored

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Love to slash you with a sword

 

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

 

There will be no consummation

There will be no fast conclusion

To this farce

 

They keep on dragging it down

in the mud

They ramble on and on

What a flood

 

For those of you still not convinced that  bad hearing causes Alzheimer’s Disease

At the Valley Conference showdown where the Milford Mudlarks and the Goshen Palookas are battling to get out of last place

“Gil, is your hearing slipping? I wanted to sub Tiki and you sent in Telly Savales. He’s an ACTOR, Gil. He’s NOT on the roster!!!!!!!!!”

“You watch Kojak?”

“And why’d you go for it on 4th-and 26 on our own 10-yard-line? The Palookas scored with ease like we were standing still!!!!!!!!”

“So you thought he sucked on too many lollipops too, huh? How many did he have in his desk?”

“And that was a HORRIBLE call by the official. Our lineman didn’t even touch him on that holding call!!!!!!!!!!! And you’re gonna treat him to a Livercheese Burger at The Bucket after the game?”

“Better than lollipops.”

“Gil, can you even make sense of what I’m saying???? You ran an end around sweep when I called for a roll-out right which would have kept the defense honest and they would stack their defense up so tight. You also had 10 guys out on the field.”

“So you think we ought to call  an audible?”

 

Shout-out to Patricia Gardner of Louisville, Kentucky. She has been through SEVERAL trials and has lived to tell about each one. A liver transplant and in the process of getting a kidney transplant tells me she wants to be a part of the scenery. Good for you, Patricia. She has done all this and raised beautiful children to boot. Today, she was weak after tests and dialysis were run on her, yet she refused to let it beat her. You were great to talk to and VERY interesting. She is also a writer and writes about life, a talent not everybody can do. Continue to make your mark in the world, Patricia. We still need you.

 

Playing DOWN to its record?????? Last time I checked, that’s pretty daggone awful. Who did they play when they WON???????? The Milford Women’s Christian Temperance Union?????? Wow, on a rainy Friday night

The WCTU coach in their locker room in a pre-game speech

“Let’s win one for the Gipper because he voted against Demon Rum!!!!!!!!!!!”

After the 110-0 shellacking by the Goshen Palookas, complete with 37 broken bones, 87 contusions,  210 concussions, 3,468 teeth knocked out, and 15 players sent to Milford General Hospital, 5 in the ICU, the WCTU coach in the post-game speech

“Alcohol still sucks!!!!!!!!!!”

And if the only time we see a football is when it’s bouncing around in a pinball machine for the hapless schmuck to pick up, it just confirms the inertia the plot has been broadcasting for the last 3 months. No potential energy here if you physics students are still awake. The epitome of this malaise has GOT TO BE in P2 where, wellllll, you could say there’s football going on, but, A) We don’t see the field soooooooo B) For all we know, they could be in the middle of the National Anthem while the UFO is coming on the field for a landing. Probably the Kanamits back to pick up a section of the crowd to take back to their planet. Either way, if it IS the National Anthem we’re encountering, TAKE OFF YOUR DAMN HELMETS. They haven’t been utilized anyway, why put ’em on NOW??????

 

 

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Only want to get us flayed

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Are underworked and overpaid

 

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

 

There will be no stimulation

There will be no simulation

Of any sense

 

The logic goes out of bounds

on 4th down

The flag is thrown to the ground

No touchdown

 

Shout-out to Barbara Tinsley of Louisville, Kentucky for contributions as a bus driver for TARC (Transit Authority of River City) . Barbara, you kept Louisville running for many years and was on excellent relations with your customers and got them on time. They simply didn’t pay you enough. I’m all for you getting a boost in that direction because you worked your fingers to the bone getting people to their jobs or to their doctor’s appointments. Now get some rest, Barbara. You’ve earned it.

 

 

“And we’ll be right back after this. Gil is REALLY losing his mind this time. Looks like he could use a hearing aid from one of  our sponsors, Milford Hearing’s All We Do. Might I suggest a kettledrum size for his fat head. All right, that out of the way, at Milford Hearing’s All We Do, you can get control of your life again with a hearing aid designed to fit your needs and budget. Give ’em a call today at 1-800-GOOD-EAR. All major insurance accepted. Now a word from another one of sponsors, Milford Bitchin’ Bath, with the score, the Palookas, 41, Mudlarks, 7. This is Marty Moon on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.

“Gil, don’t you think the bath tub’s a little crowded? Me and Great-Grandma Thorp and the kids are using up all the Mr. Bubble. It’s hard to wash behind the kids’ ears when Great-Grandma Thorp is trying to give herself an enema.”

“Yup, I had a major problem. The kids couldn’t use Johnson’s No More Tears because Great-Grandma Thorp globbed it all over the dog. Boy, talk about a cow lick. Well, the dog may have had a nice coat on him but the kids hair looked like Ozzy Osbourne singing ‘Paranoid’ at the Milford Pavilion. I was getting desperate. Shoot, you should have seen the problem pile up when Fred and Wilma and Pebbles and Bam Bam got in the tub. Don’t get me wrong, I like Mimi’s breasts in bed but I really didn’t feel like climbing Mt. Everest then negotiating Betty Rubble’s same topography soon after that. And Dino and Barney? Dino wasn’t about to share his rubber ducky with him.  Then Coach Andrews suggested a walk-in tub. His football team uses it when they need to practice thinking as a team. Sure, speaking as a coach, you want a mind-set in the same direction but you want a bath tub headed in that direction too.

At Milford Bitchin’ Bath, they helped me choose the right design and let me tell you, it’s nice being able to open the door to the tub and not feel as if the Titanic is sinking. I can walk in with just a towel and Mrs. Andrews and Mimi can file their nails, gossip and splishy-splash with each other, while Fred and Barney in their Fruit of the Looms  and Wilma and Betty in their Fred’s from Hollywood bikinis can hold a seance at the other end and still get clean.  And the kids can play water polo in the middle. Shazam!!!!!! Bam Bam can bang on the tub or Dino’s head and the walk-in tub with its durable vinyl will hold serve like my golf boys did in August, even with my bad coaching. And all we had to do was take out half the garage. Heck, we were just leaving grass clippings, bags of leaves from the fall, and doggie doo piles in the dust pan, anyway. And we sold our riding mower, it was 15 years old anyway. And you oughta see Great-Grandma Thorp get in without a hitch. If she’d stop annoying us with singing “It’s Your Thing”, Isley Brothers she’s not, but, oh well, you can’t have everything. But we have solved the main problem. You can too. Come to Milford Bitchin’ Bath and if you tell ’em Gil sent ya, they’ll send the Resident Plumber to perform a free toilet inspection to do prevent maintenance on those nasty clogs. No sense in having doo-doo run out your toilet unexpectedly while your tub is overpopulated at the same time. Now you have a friend in the bathroom business.”

 

Interlude, Marty really going to town on his ukulele through all those strange bubbles in the Guided by Voices video, even jumping with the lead singer, Robert Pollard, to look more ultimate cool

 

Enough of Tiki and Joe Bikel

And his video library

 

Play football on an open date

The panels reap sedentary

 

Soap operas are nice when on TV

But not in a sports comic strip

That’s lost its way

Back home

Where Gil flunked out

His ID

Confined

To his gym trunks

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Only want to make you fly

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Wish we could wave ’em goodbye

 

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

 

SSSPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLAAAAASSSHHHHHHHH

 

“Gil, Tiki did a cannonball in the walk-in tub so the toilet’s stopped up.”

 

Comment away, gang. I still think Gil will make Tiki sing “God Bless America” with Kate Smith on top of a table at The Bucket. Better reinforce the table given Kate’s girth. We need Tiki to further stagnate this plot.

 

 

Gang, I would like to remember those slain at the synagogue in Pittsburgh. It is sad that hate is still among us and that there are still reminders that we have some cruel unthinking people in the world. Being a Christian, I’m like Voltaire, “I may not agree with what you have to say but will defend your right to say it.” When someone viciously takes matters in his/her own hands, it sets back the clock on tolerance. Matthew 13 talks about spreading Good Seed. I may not be able to save the world but, through my example, I can do an act of kindness, strongly believing another person will see it and pass it on, some OTHER person will see THAT act of kindness and pass it on, etc. The beauty of this concept is, you don’t have to believe in my Faith (but obviously hope that you would, Jesus has been good to me) to do this and it makes the place a better world. Don’t overcome hate with hate, gang. Let the culprit be brought to justice through the legal system and thereby receiving his proper reward so that we don’t become like the haters. In the meantime, pray in your own way for the victims and their families.

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