This Week in Milford

July 31, 2019

Meet the Flemings

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Just in time for the dog days of summer, this dog of a strip. This right here is some boring stuff.

That’s Reid Fleming, World’s Toughest Milkman and his dad, former NBA point guard Vern, on the receiving end of a Hadley deposition that’s not a deposition. Too bad dad Fleming isn’t actually Vern, ’cause Hadley could’ve let Jaquan tag along and have quality time with him. He does earn the Pantheon of Hair tag for that luxurious nostril hair he’s artfully groomed into a mustache.

Trying really hard to figure out the number and location of Hadley’s elbow joints such that she can get her hand that close to her shoulder and at that precise angle to roll up and flick a booger at the Flemings. Also trying to figure out why Papa Fleming shushed Leonard when he said the Mudlarks need Tiki. Is Leonard implying that Milford needs to attract players from other schools in order to field a competitive team? Given how much effort the Coaches Thorp and their assistants have put into developing and coaching up talent compared to the instant impact transfer students have made on their respective teams, I’d say the answer is a qualified “yes.”

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July 4, 2019

I Like Mike-And Jaquan Too.

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I think it is a safe bet that we will not see a golf ball, let alone a golf course in the next, oh, 18 panels (approximately 6 strips, in other words-egad) , not as long as Gil is modeling on a billboard for Bacardi Rum.

As several of our readers have mentioned, we have switched gears and are subjected to a crash course in the NBA. Just don’t expect to see Kareem, Magic, Dr. J. or Bird to appear in this Love Story wannabe.

“Here, Preppie, here’s the ball back. You got it all over my hot dog. Goddam, Preppie, the mustard stains will never come out of this blouse. Watch your passes!!!!!!!!”

Nope, we will probably go a month taking a tour of the NBA and only see Jaquan and Hadley Venom writing their 1000-words-or-less essay on how they met each other. You might wanna pull up a chair on this one. You know how home movies drag out.

On July 28th, at the 458th word

“So then he said, ‘Sure, I’ll autograph this Spalding for you. Anybody in this section got a pen?’ Then he slam-dunked on Moses Malone and dedicated it to me as a token of our vows we made with each other.”

And to think, there’ll be basketball in July to bunk the golf plot in order to boost the ratings of the readership. Boy, aren’t you excited? Why slog through another month of My Three Sons hacking away at MCC Golf Course on #5, Par 4, Dog Leg Right when you can watch 24/7 of the NBA mixed in with Jaquan Barrett IV and Hadley V. Cavalieri talk about how they got romantically involved on the S.S. Minnow while Gilligan and the Skipper engineered the whole crowd off the deserted island. And to think, it was because The Professor suggested to The Skipper to plug the hole with one of Jaquan’s shirts. It was long enough.

 

If ya git drunk with a fifth of Jack at the Milford Lounge listenin’ ta someone spill out thar guts over how they is gonna git thar shotgun weddin’ arranged at the Milford 24-Hour Chapel after meetin’ at a game of H-O-R-S-E and ya decline ta be the Best Man after the gut-spillin’ is said and done, ya might be a redneck.

 

Gil, I think you missed your calling. As mentioned previously, Chief Coach-Who-Does-No-Coaching does an admirable job posing with that Svedka, getting sloshed while listening to Jaquan ramble on about his blossoming relationship with Hadley Ventriloquist. Well, she’s practically throwing her voice in the relationship, not to mentiin in the panels.

Anyway, I hope roses don’t take this long to grow if we’re describing how long it takes for Jaquan and Hadley V. to talk about their relationship from the initial encounter to when he got down on his knees at a booth at The Bucket and proposed while she was slurping on a shake.

Hey, I got it. We could kill 2 birds with one stone. Engage another golf plot by talking about when they teed off their relationship (with the clubs and friendly words, Gang, not getting mad at each other because he was going to do a reverse slam and she got in the way) at #1, Par 3, Short Porch and culminating in when they decided to tie the knot while he is trying to dig out of the sand trap on #17, Par 5, Straightaway. To think, she became Mrs. Case while sand is flying everywhere. And he saved par.

They could talk about the Cubs’ repeat chances on #18, Par 4, Dog Leg Left since there’s time left over while Gil can get even more slushy on another Svedka. He should be sober enough to keep the club head straight with the ball. Oops, I forgot, he’s still at the MCC Bar and Grill doing his sloshing and slushing. Oh, just pretend. Gil is omnipotent, after all, if he is God. Just look at it as God portrayed as Foster Brooks.

Just think a whole month’s worth of a golf plot with “Where do I begin…etc., etc.” gently accompanying a golf plot that actually has meaning. No sense in Oliver Wendell Barrett mixing it up with punk kids. Ruins the atmosphere.

“Preppie, those teenagers need to learn some manners. And keep their hips shoulders straight when teeing off.”

 

This 4th of July, remember why we celebrate. Our Forefathers debated and argued and compromised and finally hammered out a Declaration of Independence we can all be proud of and that has more than stood the test of time. It is a model that has been emulated by governments throughout the world. Get to know this wonderful official document and your Constitution as well. Don’t let them die off in vain.

Thank you to my grandfather, Leonard Thomas Hardin, cook in the U.S Army in WWI, and my step-father, Gabriel Feltner, Jr., infantryman in the U.S. Navy in WWII, who served proudly to keep the Declaration of Independence and our Constitution alive. Please remember our Veterans in your own way to let them know it was not in vain. I always take 5 minutes a day to thank a Veteran. But do what works for you but PLEASE remember them.

Lest We Forget

 

We reach the action (in “Gil Thorp”? Talk about contradiction in terms)  part of our story in P2 where Jaquan is still in a heavy conversation with Hadley V. while running the break. Wasn’t he a center for Bishop Tardy?  I realize a lot of big men can dribble in the NBA but give us a warning, Thorpiverse. This transition from Parick Ewing when he was at Cambridge Latin to Magic on a 3-on-1 break with Worthy on one wing and Cooper on the other wing takes time to digest while we’re still getting to the bottom of “How I Met My Soulmate”.

And I realize Thorpiverse evidently doesn’t watch too many NBA games but I hate to break it to you, Thorpiverse, Jordan didn’t run the length of the floor and flip a nice dish to Pippen for a nasty flush job while negotiating with the peanut vendor for a Cracker Jack and a $10 Large Diet Coke. Oh, you owe us one, all right, Thorpiverse.

“Yeah, gimme that Mike & Ike Jelly Beans box and a Mr. Pib-NICE SHOT, PIP. WAY TO BE LOOKIN’. STILL GOT THE STROKE, MY MAN!!!!!!!!!

We now return to the game, already in progress.

 

“A bad plot brought you together?”

“After he shanked one in the woods. He told his caddy to give her an autographed program from that night. He had to take a drop after the plot landed in the algae.”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Case And V. Baxendale To Exchange Vows After He Proposes At The Milford Pro-Am Biddy Ball Tournament!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Case waited until after the 3rd quarter to watch his nephew play and his coach fulfill the one-quarter-per-half rule.”

 

P3 is just leaving an opening wide enough for the Milford City Dump Inc. truck to drive through.

We don’t have one but TWO Smokemaster grills. Unless the one on the left is a picnic table with headlights. Complete with matching tortilla plates.

Did the Milford Big Lots run a special on matching His and Her’s Smokemaster Special Edition Fireball Unit?

“He’s a macho guy and wants his Polish sausage and flame-broiled angus beef grilled to perfection while they’re watching Harry and Steve negotiate the Cubs to another victory at Wrigley while she much prefers her Smokemasterette to char-broil veggie burgers while waiting for the Church Finance Committee to arrive anytime. Whatever the occasion, come hungry cuz Milford Big Lots has ya covered. And don’t forget the Kingsford, now on sale for a bargain at 8.99. A veggie burger isn’t the same without it.”

BTW, Robmize, you know I’ll never change(ha).

It appears she is at HIS grill, char-broiling the moon rocks that Neil and Buzz brought back from the moon while Gil is sipping on the Worcestershire Steak Sauce bottle. Sometimes you get wrapped up in the soap opera and pick up the wrong bottle by mistake. I’m wondering why the Bud Lite tastes funny. Anyway, Jaquan and Hadley Vermont are going to Six Flags on their honeymoon.

And finally, if you ever wondered where the word “meander” comes from, you have Thorpiverse to thank. To have gone from Chicago to Milford Country Club Golf Course to Milford Country Club Waffle House to Chicago to the poop deck in Gil’s back yard watching Mimi grill the Rice Krispies treats to anthracite coal black is a fait d’accomplait, let me assure you.

 

 

After seeing a “Clearance” sign on the storefront of Family Dollar

 

“Has someone died in your family? No better time to choke on a piece of KFC Mashed Potatoes than now.

Hi, this is Dr. Pearl for Milford Funeral Solutions. When my great grandfather died after serving proudly in the Norman Conquest, I was strapped for funds to locate an affordable casket. An administrator’s salary only goes so far.

Fortunately, Milford Funeral Solutions was there to ride to my rescue. They were backlogged with caskets in so many directions. Some were placed in the practice field of the Mudlark Football team, an Amish tent that was bought at a bargain and a dance the only thing keeping the mahogany structures from getting damaged by the elements. Nobody was dying. Everybody was taking their medicines and getting their flu shots at Milford Pharmacy.

We were able to scratch each other’s backs for a deal. They sold me a casket worthy of the Batesville Casket name, one where my great grandfather could lie in peace and still be allowed to mount his Purple Heart on his tummy. He’d had acid reflux but anyone who almost gunned down William the Conquerer with his derringer deserved the finest in funeral care without having to throw in his Winchester to cover the burial expenses.

And this week, Milford Funeral is running a BOGO special. That is correct, the Funeral Director at Milford Funeral Solutions is wanting to clear ’em out and make room for the new models coming in this week. So, rather than leave the older ones high and dry in a vacant lot behind Milford Federal Credit Union, our Ambassador in Funeral Relations has proffered this 2-for-the-price-of-one special to help both parties reach light at the end of the tunnel. If Jed Clampett accidently blew his head off while cleaning his rifle and Jethro didn’t survive the shotgun wedding, Milford Funeral Solutions knows how to ease the pain and the pocketbook at the same time. Viewing Jed and Jethro and knowing you’re only financing one of the funeral processions, an affordable cost at that, putting you in the tax bracket with the Beverly Hillbillies, if that doesn’t bring peace of mind, Elly May shouldn’t sneak in while the organ is playing “Beautiful Dreamer”.

And giving my great-grandfather the 21-gun salute while burying him with the drapeau du France draped over his pectoralis major and the Republic of France banner raised in his honor at the Milford VFW Lodge, Post 19, was a special tribute that tore my heart out but not my purse. I still had that after they named the Legion Baseball Field after him as a bonus.

When you get this kind of kindness, it is no wonder why they can clear the caskets off Gil’s hunting property just outside Milford. The buzzards are for hunting, not perched on an oak structure. Come see them today and have your own buzzards removed from your loved ones resting place.”

 

Comment away, Gang. Be forewarned that after seeing the bill of fare in P3, I am now convinced that Gil’s back yard is the only place in America where even the foreigners say “Don’t drink the water.”

 

“CUBS WIN!!!!!!!!!! CUBS WIN!!!!!!! Steve, you done with that barbecue pork chop sandwich?”

“Have at it. I can’t eat another bite. Gil and Mimi grilled enough to feed the Bleacher Bums.”

 

 

 

 

 

July 3, 2019

Jaquan Muffed a Pass But He Couldn’t Pass a…

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Aww, time for the meet-cute (more specifically, the meet-again-cute).  Over dishes stolen from the Coffee Cantina, Gil pretends to care about how Jaquadley hooked up. Deep into his second round of Long Island iced tea, he starts to slump in his chair as Hadley – thankfully not referring to herself in the third person – goes into flashback mode.  Guessing the rounded frame corners are Whigham’s shorthand for a flashback, not going full Batiuk with sepia tones and photo album corners.

Given Rubin’s poor pacing abilities, I have no clue how long he will drag this flashback out. If it ends up with Steve Luhm peering angrily through the Milford CC dining room windows before being tossed out on his ear, it might hold my interest.

 

June 29, 2019

“Jaquadley” or “Hadquan”?

Filed under: boring memories, exposition comics, Gil Thorp, golf, Milford Alumni, Milford CC — teenchy @ 6:30 am

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“…Then you can join your friends for a snow cone. Mrs. Thorp will be serving them. She knows a lot about snow cones.”

“So how’d you two meet?”

“At a sports bar. She was watching Furman v. Georgia.”

“No, really, I was watching Jaquan. I’ve had my eye on him for years.”

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“Gotta say that haircut is you, Hadley. Makes you look thirty years younger.”

oldhadley

“Thanks. Less Susan Sontag, more Stacy London.”

 

June 19, 2019

Is Tanking in the Playdowns TCFS?

Filed under: actual action, anatomically implausible, exposition comics, Gil Thorp — teenchy @ 6:25 am

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Friday is the first day of summer in the Northern Hemisphere, so Rubin has four days to wrap this stinker up. How best to do it? By having the Lady Mudlarks lose in the opening round of the playdowns to a supposedly inferior opponent, apparently. That Black Sox analogy from a couple of weeks ago doesn’t seem so far off now.

The Milford ladies’ undoing begins in the form of a botched double play, or at least it looks like a botched double play. We have to assume that Linda threw the ball on to Carla, otherwise how would Carla muff a flip to Linda? I guess it’s better to muff a throw than to throw a, uh, never mind.

It’s been so long since Whigham has had to draw actual action that it seems he’s forgotten the finer points. For instance, when Molly’s that far into her release, shouldn’t the ball be much farther away from her? Having a player flex on an opponent’s error is bad form, too. If #7 comes back up to bat again, she should get one thrown behind her ear, just sayin’.

No matter. The die has been cast and Gil is mixing up the Long Island iced tea pitcher on the deck as I write.

June 15, 2019

I Bet No One’s Said That to the Blues or Raptors

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In the real world, this past week saw league championships won by franchises that had never won them before: the NHL’s St. Louis Blues and the NBA’s Toronto Raptors (contrary to popular belief, not named for Brent and Jolene Raptor). I always enjoy seeing first-time champs; I think it’s good for the sports. It’s one of the reasons I’ve been pulling for a Mariners-Nationals World Series for the past fifteen years. Both the Blues and the Raptors won on the road and, while it’s not the same as winning on home ice/court, it didn’t diminish the joy in their respective fan bases.

In the Thorpiverse, it’s not like the fans have been packing the bleachers to watch the Lady Mudlarks rip through the Valley. If anything, the TCFS scandal that wasn’t may have alienated large chunks of the student body. Since we seldom see the stands in any Milford baseball/softball action, it’s hard to say. My guess is that the Lady Mudlarks return to campus to three cheers and a tiger and a big TCFS banner honoring them for winning, for reading Animal Farm, and for passing out spirit buttons to anyone who asks nicely.

Today’s strip doesn’t have the feeling of a story wrap-up, but it does have some foreshadowing in the form of Jocelynn’s twisted ankle as she crosses the plate. Just enough of an injury to get the girls knocked out in the first round of the playdowns but not enough to end the self-congratulation. Maybe Mimi can lord it over Gil this summer; it’s no state championship but it’s the most recent championship either Thorp has brought back to Milford.

metapost, kinda: Mea culpa for getting it wrong earlier this week that Linda was going to David’s to break up with him. I still don’t give them much longer.

June 8, 2019

Coffee Talk with Linda… Carr?

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“Welcome to Coffee Talk. I’m your host Mimi Thorp. On this show we talk about coffee, softball, volleyball, George Orwell – you know, no big whoop. Just Coffee Talk.

“Today I’m coming to you live from the Milford High Teacher’s Lounge. Now which teacher is it for? Well, only one Coach Thorp has their team on the verge of winning the Valley, and it’s not my guest, Coach Gil Thorp, who also happens to be my husband.

“So, nu, how is your baseball team doing?”

“Well, we’ve had better seasons, but I’m proud of the boys for…”

“Feh, no big whoop. Have I told you about my girls and all their interests off the field?  It gives them swagger and it’s infectious. Kind of like toenail fungus.”

“Yeah. I’m seeing more of those ‘TC’ pins.”

“Oh, those. Molly Hatcher got them for 39 cents each. Such a deal. At first it was a fun thing, like a Barbra Streisand marathon. Then the girls had the chutzpah to start deciding who that wasn’t on the team should be getting the pins. So I had them read Animal Farm, let them know that was a verkakte idea.  But let me tell you about Linda Carr. Her swing is like butter, but she’s gotten all shpilkes about her volleyball scholarship.  I gotta get her calmed down; I need her bat for the playdowns.

“All this talk of winning championships has me all verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic: The ‘Too Cool For School’ buttons are neither too cool nor for school. Discuss.”

(apologies Mike Myers)

May 31, 2019

Beasts of Milford

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Beasts of Milford, Beasts of Milford,
Mark the baselines out with lime,
Hearken to my doleful tidings
As I put this crap to rhyme.
‘Cause of skating (or of blogging?)
Linda Carr left on her own,
No one likes to play a scrimmage
In the infield all alone.
Okay to have outside interests,
So said Nancy, that was that.
Then we started winning ballgames,
Then we got these awesome hats.
Then we thought that we were hot shit,
Then we were “too cool for school,”
Celebrating all our interests
Kinda turned us into tools.
Bright will shine our spirit buttons,
And to earn one will be sweet,
Sweeter yet to watch kids grovel
For our praise and at our feet.
For that praise now they must labour,
And it is for us to judge;
Band geeks, scholarsstamp collectors,
Didn’t get one? Hold no grudge.
Beasts of Milford, Beasts of Milford,
Are we guilty of a crime?
Now we’re stuck with weekend reading
So much for our leisure time.

(apologies Orwell but hey, we didn’t drag you into this)

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