We’re Sorry, Marty Is On Assignment At K-Mart During The Frost/Nixon Proceedings

Gee whillikers, Archie Andrews, MARTY RETURNS!!!!!!!!!! Gang, speaking of Archie, how long do you think Archie & the Gang would last as a Double Issue if Jughead Jones went to Milford Rehab Center for his hamburger addiction and was sentenced by the Rehab Center Commission to their retreat house out somewhere in the boonies whose property  borders the property line of the Milford Nature Area? I’m not expecting Jughead back anytime soon if he’s ordered a strict diet of milkweed salad and soy milk.

Or if Moose Mason got sent to the pen because he found out Reggie went all the way with Midge this time, in the back seat of Reggie’s T-Bird no less and got pummeled to death, let me repeat that, LITERALLY got pummeled to death. Yup, Reggie had fun, fun, fun ’til Moose took his one life away. Okay, Beach boys had better lyrics but I’m trying to make a point, c’mon.

Speaking of lyrics, if you’re wondering where Jimi Hendrix got some of his own tunesmithing

“Heeeeeeyyyyyyy, Moose

Where you goin’ with that gun in your hand

Heyyyyyyyyyyyy, Moose

Where you goin’ with that gun in your hand

 

I’m goin’ down to shoot Midge, my old lady

Y’know I caught her messin’ ’round with Reg again

etc. etc. etc.

 

And we might NEVER see Jughead or Moose again and, if so, the Archie Comix Collection is going to cause the Dow to plunge, not to mention severely cripple sales at these Comic Conventions.

BUT MARTY???????? Welcome him and The Prodigal Son back to the fold. Kill the fatted calf and reopen the Milford Lounge, doesn’t matter which one you do first, one will be a snake who becames a lamb while the other will be also be a snake but turn into a lizard. I’ll let you decide who is who but I’ve never known lizards to have a taste for ground round steaks.

And what a way for Marty to make his grandiose return to the fellowship BY BEING OUTSCOOPED by The Daily Planet!!!!!!!! Marty, how in the world could you have not known that Superman had to call an ambulance because he had a severe case of the runs due to an overdose of kryptonite? You didn’t notice the wagon flying by your house? Welcome back, Kotter, even if Jimmy Olson done bunked your ass.

And for that matter, aren’t you all at least a little shocked that the station manager at WDIG isn’t tearing a new butthole into Moon? (Smacks head) Shit, I forgot, Thorpiverse is trying to keep things on the level and maintain a Christian Family Atmosphere that is Gil Thorp. C’mon, gang, you remember when you were kids and you went to the Milford Lounge, they had a FAMILY ROOM. Well, they didn’t want you on a bar stool sitting next to Otis the Drunk slobbering all over himself. Foster Brooks not covering his mouth after downing a Heineken? Where’s your manners, Foster? THEREFORE punishing profanity trumps the nature of the beast of Journalism. Share that greasy cheeseburger with your kid sister while there’s an orgy next door. It doesn’t matter if Linda Lovelace and Raquel Welch are bare-chested and performing questionable acts with members of the opposite sex, as long as it’s on the other side of the Mason-Dixon Line, we’ll keep coming to Milford Lounge for supper.

Can’t you see the station manager in a Father Knows Best heart-to-heart talk with Marty?

“If cub reporter, Peter Brady, writes an expose on WW III, well, Marty (slap on the wrist) , do better next time and fight to get to Omar Bradley’s office sooner even if it means slipping a 20, 5 times his allowance, or stuffing firecrackers down his pants

but GODDAMMIT, Moon, watch your language when broadcasting the Mudlarks!!!!!!!!!!”

“Yes, Father.”

 

“General Custer, were you aware that 1,000,000 Indians are lying in ambush behind that hill?”

SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Hey, watch your language!!!!!!!!!! You’re on the air!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

There’s a rumor that Marty got outscooped by the Milford Star at Little Big Horn because he was interviewing Mimi Thorp on the possible rule change allowing 5 seconds in the lane.  Just a rumor, I understand.

 

 

Shout-out to Rebecca Arnold of Louisville, Kentucky, for her courage to overcome many obstacles while in a wheelchair. Gang, she gets out and about and today she was enrolling in a class to make her a better person. Good for her. Gang, she is proving that she is always learning. That is what life is all about. She has a firm grasp on that. Keep plugging away, Rebecca. You have my admiration and respect.

 

Wait a minute, don’t tell me. Richard Milhouse Nixon has a great-great-great grandson who is carrying the torch for his great-great-great-papaw. Robbin’ Robert is taking a cue from Tricky Dick on how to sabotage Gil and still stay above board. Why not? Nixon almost pulled it off.

So in the next few days, or weeks (oh God) , we  will experience a tell-all story on a scale measuring up to but perhaps not quite Watergate.

Go ahead, Robbin’ Robert, tell I’m-just-here-because-Marty’s-covering-after-Holiday-returns-at-Wal-Mart all about your break-ins in all the sections of town.Why stop at billboards? Confess that you broke into Gil’s office and stole his recorded conversations on Dial-a-Slut and you were going to blackmail him later on. Better yet, HANG ON to those tapes and build up the drama, citing Equipment Manager’s privilege the way Nixon cited Executive privilege when he refused to hand in his own tapes. For all we know, those tapes may be something other than Gil’s lewd comments to some grad student on the other end trying to pay the bills for her Masters in Psychology by feeding Gil’s ego.

“Woman, I’d really love to sink my wim wim into your Grand Canyon and climb onto your boobs and-YOUR CHEATIN’ HEEEEARRRRRRRRTTTT, WILL MAKE YOU WEARYYYYYYYYYYYY, YOUR CHEATIN’ HEARRRRRRRRRRTTTTT, WILL TELL ON YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU”

Why be satisfied with Gil’s office? Bust into Dr. Pearl’s office and find out what she said on the Astrology Line. One can imagine (“I’m a Capricorn. Are they up for Administrator of the Year? I can retire early and not have to put up with Gil calling me at 1:30 AM, talking about my boobs. Doesn’t Gil get enough from Mimi’s water balloons? Tell me, O Great Gazoo”) .

Hell, bust into The Bucket after hours. Just grab a sizeable stone and chip away at the lock on the door, then break in and get all the recipes and trade secrets. A typical reaction might include

“They obtain banana split ice cream from goats in the Kashmir region?”

“Bucket Cheeseburgers are made from exported kangaroo meat out of Northern Territory, Australia? Straight from Darwin to Milford via Easter Island?”

“Bell hops are supposed to be virgins and are docked an hour’s pay for every child out of wedlock?”

“Mimi rejected The Bucket owner’s advances when she was a teenager working as a bell hop and got transferred to the Large Pots and Corningware Department where her duties were scrubbing the large pots and pans with Beetle Bailey and Zero, out of retaliation from the owner? Couldn’t have been all bad, Mimi bought some plastic teeth from Milford Novelty and affectionately posed with Zero in a group photo along with Beetle before she went on to College.”

“The French fries are really llama’s entrails from the Atacama region of South America?”

“Crunchy chocolate frogs are made from real frog bones?” Whoopsy daisy, Robbin’
Robert, you’ve stepped into Monty Python territory. Better get out of the labyrinth before the Minotaur comes to call.

 

With help from an anonymous friend who supplied the ideas and kept eggin’ it on, the one about people hocking merchandise at Christmas parties, a taste of which I gave you last week,

A more realistic scenario would go like this

‘MOON!!!!!!!!!!! You get outscooped by the Daily Blab one more time over Little Lotta failing her urine test for heroin at school again and it’ll be the last time cuz you’ll be out of a job. And where’s that divorce report over Richie Rich and Little Dot? I understand she wanted Rich’s gold-plated swimming pool in the shape of a dot. Says she has a hunkering for anything round. Eats hamburgers with Jughead because hamburgers are not shaped like trapezoids or rhombuses or ovids but DOTS!!!!!!!! Even her toilet paper is dot-shaped. Wipes her ass all the time with it. Charmin is comin’ out with a new product line as a result.”

“Crap, I left it in the trunk.”

“Your job will be in the trunk if that happens again!!!!!!!!!!! Now here’s your chance to make me happy. Seems that Howry is amassing a chemical dump behind Milford Foundry and trying to put the finger on Gil. A source was in a tree watching Howry finger-paint with toxic chemicals ‘Gil was here’. C’mon, less chatter, more matter!!!!!!!!!!”

“On it, Chief.”

“And don’t call me Chief!!!!!!!!!!!”

Marty looks through his desk drawers for his steno pad, opening his big drawer first which is crammed with 3-Liter Diet Mudlar-K-Cola bottles from the ‘DIG Christmas party. Ditto the cotto salami block, half-eaten, slightly moldy. He searches the smaller drawer above the biggie. Nothing but a Tupperware flat bowl of cole slaw, some mac and cheese in a paper cereal bowl, and a few Slim Jims, Jalapeno and Sea Salt, bent to accommodate the shape of the drawer. Oh, and 1,354,578 Smarties. Marty prays some kid will never come snooping and open the drawer and get deluged with Smarties and drown or the Slim Jim snake springs up out of nowhere and attacks the kid. Wouldn’t that be a lawsuit for The Shark to handle.

He then turns to his middle drawer. What a smorgasbord. Between erasers and paper clips and his yearbook photo he clipped out of the Milford HS yearbook, held for posterity at the Milford Library Archives section because he lost his own, are 2-for-1 Lays Potato Chip mini-bags, ranging from Bar-B-Q to Sour Cream to Poplar-Tree-Behind-Gil’s-Office-Smoked, 124 10-packs of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, 3-day-old pasta salad with turnips and Amish potato salad, reduced fat. Marty is about to indulge in one of the Snickers Fire-Roasted Peanuts Candy Bar when he feels a wedgie in his butt.

He yanks out his steno pad while eating Kellogg’s Special K Prune Formula that fell out of Fibber McGee’s closet and they both consequently share, using separate bowls of course. BTW, Fibber pours 2% while Marty has a hunkering for Milford Dairies White Chocolate Reduced Flavor. Different strokes for different folks.

A shout-out goes to Lakena (la-KEEN-a) Kraft of Louisville, Kentucky. Lakena, you have an infectious smile and I can tell you have the joy of the Lord. I thank you for encouraging my warped sense of humor. You helped set the stage today with your enthusiasm and that’s the way you approach life and SHOULD approach life. Geting up early to face the day tells me you are taking the tiger by the tail. It’s how things get done. They need ya in Heaven.

 

And does ANYBODY notice the pile Gil is throwing the today’s Milford Star on? It could be scouting reports OR it could be MORE newspapers? What if I’m right? The Milford Star and the Milford Enquirer has been getting the lowdown on Gil’s coaching career, or for that matter, HIS LIFE, once a week or EVERY DAY?????? I’m curious what the headlines would read that he’s been so nonchalantly tossing to the wind.

“Thorp Cleared In Sexual Harassment Suit With Dr. Pearl!!!!!!!!!”

“Gil Spots A UFO While Taking A Potty Break In Outhouse At Mudlark Lake!!!!!!!!!”

“Gil Said He Bitch-Slapped Chitwood Only Once!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Gil And Basketball Referee Break It Off After Suspicions Are Aroused!!!!!!!!!!!!”\

“The Bucket Denies Half A Roach Was Found In Gil’s Bucket PB & J!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Then there’s the medical term Gil and the rest of Thorpiverse is trying to throw at us, hoping we’ll genuflect in awe. Having a medical doctor in the family, this writer is not easily swayed.

“So Gil, do you think Howry has dopamin stored in his garage?”

“No, he sold that at a yard sale last Saturday. I heard he was trying to get Filion high on epiniphrine. You snort it like a cocaine pipe. You need a week’s supply of Scope to wash out your mouth.”

“Yeah, but I heard he swallowed a bottle of Triavil so he could float and finish his Robby Report on the billboard.”

“If he did, his side effects were nasty. You wind up farting nitroglycerine all over the road.”

“I heard differently. Moon told me he was OD’ing from Underoos.”

“No way. That’s what he was wearing.”

 

Gang, comment away. I’m going to try to get Howry down. Maybe if I can harpoon his Underoos…

 

Dr. Pearl in a Parent-Teacher Conference

“I can proudly say that your Calvin is Harvard material. Why, here’s his board scores right here” as she hands the parents the Tupperware of celery and carrots w/ spinach dip to pore over that she retrieved out of the file cabinet.

 

At The Bucket, The Inspector and the owner have a war of words

“You’re going to have to take the bones out of your Bucket Crunchy Frog Shake.”

“If we took out the bones, it wouldn’t be crunchy now, would it?”

 

Long live Monty Python

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Somebody’s Wallowing in Something, Alright

Ha ha, former clipboard-toting, placebo-dealing nerd Bobby Robby Howry can’t even do a proper Vulcan salute.  He can certainly pile on the happy horse manure though.

Bearded Jimmy Olsen appears to be so distracted by Bobby Robby’s spiel that he’s forgotten how far away he set his coffee cup.  Maybe he’s reaching for a napkin to blot the cappuccino foam from his beard.  I suspect it won’t be long before he reaches for his shaver-cum-smartphone to give ol’ Gildeaux a call and put an end to this foolishness once and for all.

Really.  All Gil has to do is tell Beardo why he kicked Bobby Robby off the team and the Star runs an exposé, the billboards cease billboarding and Howry finds himself in a place – either real or metaphorical – that will make the MILFORD RECREATION CENTER seem like Cameron Indoor Stadium.  This could all be done in less than two weeks’ worth of strips, which makes the lack of a parallel Lady Mudlarks story arc all the more absurd. Oh, wait, we’ll still have to have a look-in on kettlehead Filion, whose fragile psyche will be even more damaged by Bobby Robby’s billboard campaign.  This will lead to a Thorp-on-Howry confrontation wherein Gil reminds Bobby Robby that he’s hurt one kid before and won’t be allowed to hurt any more.

Still, that’s just one, maybe two strips total.  If we’re not getting a girls’ hoops plot this winter, no reason baseball season shouldn’t start on time.

 

In Milford, Some of Us All Look Alike

Wow, feels nice to free myself from the constraints of the haiku form.  Wish I had more to say today.  Bet it would feel nice for Whigham to free himself from the constraints of using the same facial features and hairstyles for all of his Mudlarks.  Let’s take a closer look at that first panel, shall we?

Do these two not have identical noses?  I leave it to you, gentle readers, to draw your own conclusions.  Guessing Marcell doesn’t use his first name, Duwan.

I reckon after multiple seasons Rubin has decided to imbue Man of a Thousand Faces and Hairstyles “Marginal” Mike Filion with a personality and backstory.  He’s been quiet ever since we’ve been introduced to him, speaking only when spoken to by Gil or Kaz.  But Neal needs another extroverted look-at-me guy to make his plots go, so Filion it is.

Meanwhile Bobby Howry plots his revenge via billboard…

But Did Milford Beat Tilden?

Remember football?

Pepperidge Farm remembers

But Milford doesn’t

 

“VT P-U”? Is

Valley Tech playing Dover

Boys from Pimento?

 

Rough year for Techies

Old Dominion beat VT

Now it’s Milford’s turn

 

Milford not used to

Being number one for a while

Sign guy broke his wrist

 

Hiawatha James

Remember him from baseball?

Great name but no lines

 

Know what else is an

Uncharacteristic romp?

No Jansen and no Bolek

 

Also no cheap shots

Express or implied

Where’s the burial?

 

 

metapost: Trying to learn to use the new WordPress Gutenberg editor on the fly.  Hope this doesn’t look too wonky.

Rammer Jammer, Gil Can Yammer

Tonight on WDIG

Listen for Marty Moon’s call:

“Injury report:

 

Jansen, Ruffin have

Hyperextended right legs,

Will miss finale”

 

Uniforms are red

Just like the herring: Tiki’s

“Slow sister” problem 

 

Did Rubin forget?

Why even mention her?

Bullies the problem

 

Speaking of bullies:

Why for the love of Pete would

Jansen go back there?

 

New Thayer, where

The bullies go scot free while

Victim has to leave

 

Maybe New Thayer

Is better for special needs

We will never know

 

And what of Bolek?

Thought he’d help analyze film

Team might get better

 

Maybe film useless

When all the coach can do is

Make the kids run laps

 

We can all agree

Plot was stupider than hell

Let’s go shoot some hoops

Like We Needed Another Plot Twist

Tiki Jansen was

Eligible after all?

Anticlimactic

 

Why didn’t we see

Dr. Pearl? Always up for

Granny Clampett* action

 

Gil is hesitant

To reinstate Tiki ’cause

He’s a good player?

 

Well, that seals the deal

Gil knows he’s being unfair

Tanking the season

 

Proves beyond a doubt

Milford’s state championship

Was just a fluke

 

“Damn that True Standish!

Unicorn in football cleats

Made me have to work!”

 

Any Milford wins

Come in spite of Gil’s “coaching”

Not because of it

 

What’s this? Another

Plot twist? Something besides the

“Slow sister” excuse?

 

What kind of baggage

Is Tiki dragging with him?

Do we even care?

 

Maybe he should try

Anger management classes

Worked for Van Auken

 

 

*Yes, I know her character’s actual name was Daisy Moses.

Does Anybody Really Know What Time This Problematic Plot Will End?

You KNOW this plot is wearing out its welcome when the World Book Encyclopedias are in full view in P3. Usually those things are off in the background  or in the corner of the cartoon panel out of the way and you have to be rid of toxic wastes or sober to notice them. But today, you could be stoned on Jack or reached Nirvana on your heroin and experiencing a Triple Cheese Bucketburger and Diet Chili Fries and medium drink (tax included) down at The Bucket with Timothy Leary (with Timothy picking up the tab) and, damn, what is Gil doing reading in the “G” volume of Encyclopedia Brittanica? Is he looking up “Gardening”? Helping Kaz with the latter’s Introductory Geography class because the latter forgot the capital of Guam? Read the Milford Enquirer in the Stock Market Report and saw a future in “Granite”? Just don’t use your house or Mimi’s team as collateral, Gil.

And remember when Dagwood, in the Chic Young days, would go to the department store with Blondie and shop for clothes and jewelry and cosmetics, etc. that Blondie had a hunkering for? And remember when Blondie would bounce ideas off of Dagwood and eventually say something comical or stupid, Dagwood would ejaculate a retort, accompanied in the background by a clump of people (again, normally the corner of the panel) who were always present at Dagwood and The Amazing Technicolor Retort? As if they were in the Lawn and Garden Department shopping for weed eaters or in the Electronics Department shopping for “Howard Stassen Sings Slim Whitman When He’s Not Running For President Again” CD or the Hardware Department sniffing out the cheapest Sam’s Choice light bulb (4000 hours and still keeps on going even if you accidentally piss on it) but if they heard Dagwood rebuke Blondie with a damning squelch, they’d drop the Stassen CD and come running like a herd of buffalo just in time. I’m surprised the buffalo never broke the glass on the counters in front of them. Bison stopping on a dime? Impressed.

But now the bison HAVE broken the glass and just about devastated Wal-Mart altogether, making Black Friday appear to be kindergartners overrunning the substitute teacher because they wanted an extra cookie on their stomachs during nap time. In other words, WORLD BOOK HAS TAKEN OVER YOUR OFFICE, GIL. Don’t Fear the Reaper, Gil, cuz he and World Book and the bison snuck through your prairie-style windows and set up shop.

Therefore, I brought along a VERY popular group from the late ’60’s-early ’70’s, Chicago, to kick some booty on this plot and sweep up the detritus even as we kick. Originally called Chicago Transit Authority, they were forced to change the name when the City of Chicago threatened to sue over copyright infringement. So they became Chicago which to me has a better ring to it anyway and I’m sure the group of Robert Lamm, Terry Kath (RIP, My Man, Hendrix loved you) Peter Cetera, Danny Seraphine, James Pankow, Lee Loughnane, and Walter Parazaider would agree.

 

As I walking up to Gil one day

He showed me that his Sportswatch lost a gear and lost the race cuz it went cold deeeeaaaaaadddddd

Yeah

And I said

Does anybody really know when this crap will end?

Does anybody really care?

And so I can’t imagine why

We’re not on tenterhooks while it dies

Gang, we know we are subjected from time to time to a bad joke teller who gets on our nerves with his/her jokes only his/her mother would laugh at(occasionally debatable). But we’re all Christians and we don’t want to hurt the poor schmuck’s/schmuckess’ feelings. Therefore, we laugh politely, hoping he/she will see “mene, mene, tekel, parsin” like Daniel did in The Bible and stop with the bad comedy schtick and move on, preferably to Qatar. Many time Joe/Jane Jokehacker indeed leaves on the next ocean liner to Angola or at least goes home(unfortunately, like moonshine, to brew more bad humor). We’re off the hook because we laughed politely, if not sincerely. C’mon, the joke was bad, we’re just steering out of trouble.

However, so that both parties wind up in a win-win situation, DO NOT implement the Elmer Fudd Polite Laughter Technique, i.e., HAHAHAHAHAHA. Not only will he think you are just trying to get him/her off your back, he/she won’t go home to conjure up more crappy humor. Now you’re stuck with a major problem. Allow me to demonstrate:

 

Joe: What is white and black and looks like Mt. Everest all over?

Jane: I give up.

Joe: Gil’s hair.

Jane: Shhhhhhhhhh, be vewy, vewy, quiet. I’m hunting wabbits. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Joe: You didn’t think it was funny?

 

I think you get the message. Here’s another example:

 

Gil: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Kaz: I give up.

Gil: To get to the other side.

Kaz: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Better late than never. Pialeavinte (“PEEL-a-VINT-ee”) Hernandez, of Jeffersonville, Indiana, gets a shout-out after showing me her lust and zest for life even though she is confined to a wheelchair. “Can’t do” is not in her vocabulary, not at any time. She now works at Wal-Mart and stocks the shelves with the best of them. Rather than sit at home and mope, she has chosen to wise up and live. Gotta hand it to her, she is an inspiration to me and I hope she is to you. God Bless You, Pialeavinte. I salute you.

This I encountered at the Shell Convenient Mart at their mini-TV screen while I was pumping gas

The Word of the Day: Stentorian: Loud and harsh-sounding, often in a rude and obnoxious manner.

Okay. An example is in order

Mimi was confronted in the gym by the Milford Police after her stentorian coaching to her players about how to implement the pick-and-roll was heard several blocks down the street, reaching the second-shift bartender at the Milford Lounge.

Oh, what the heck, how ’bout another example, gang?

Dr. Pearl’s stentorian threats to the union steward representing the cafeteria ladies that Dr. Pearl would hire scabs if the union wouldn’t cave in to the 1.00 an hour increase(union was bucking for 1.50/hour) fell on deaf ears. The union was going to proceed to picket in front of Milford Mall.

 

And, I’m sorry, but the only thing that comes to my mind when talking about living in uninhabited quarters is The Amityville Horror. Aside from the fact that the book is one of the few that scared the Living Hell out of me, this plot is not only pressing its luck, it’s doing so with unnecessary weirdness.

“Sure, Coach, I’m fine. Every now and then I see Ronald DeFeo, Jr. hacking up his  mom and dad in the bath tub and machine-gunning the children in the breakfast nook and, wait, I also see buffalo stampeding Ronald Defeo, Jr. in the laundry room every night at 1:00 A.M. and Dagwood and Beezelbub singing “The Antichrist Is Coming” in a duet to the tune of “Christmas is Coming” (…please to put your claws and fangs in some dead rat’s blood…) on the verandah and pigs and buffalo look at my house every morning when I leave for school and I’ve occasionally heard a marching band play “Moon River” by the front door, Andy Williams coming from the grave for an encore, otherwise, I’m eligible.

Shout-out to Shawna Vickers, from Louisville, Kentucky. She does an excellent job in dispatch at TARC (Transit Authority of River City). With all the routes and drivers running this way and that, she is VERY patient in straightening out any problems that may come her way. Remember, many people have doctor appointments and important meetings to go to but she ALWAYS delivers in motivating the drivers to those people there. Shawna, if nobody else recognizes the hard work and aplomb you put into the job, I WILL. SOMEBODY needs to notice. I salute you, Shawna. You make the city of Louisville AND America run.

Gil: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Kaz: I give up.

Gil: It heard the Milford Stadium might be sold out and so it ran its ass off, avoiding getting run over by J.B. Hunt semi’s and Yellow Cabs and a station wagon full of soccer kids and mopeds and Evinrude motorboats and Apollo 8 rockets and Milford & Oakwood Express to get to the other side to get an early seat.

Kaz: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

As I was walking down the street one day

I caught Mimi cussing at her diamond watch with 19th-century diamonds dug during the Victorian age with a lap timer for the Milford Marathon and was once pawned off by Winston Churchill when the British economy was stagnant  before Bretton Woods could address the issue replete with sapphire studs around the wristband that glow in the dark a plus when Mimi’as trying to find her key to get inside and a partridge in a pear tree and she said Gil spit his phloem at the wrong angle and that it was  cold deeeeeaaaaaddddddddd

And I said

Does anybody really know what time this trash will cease?

Does anybody really care?

And, Lord, I honestly try to imagine why

All the excuses why we shouldn’t cry

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Oil Inc. Fined $25,000 For Illegal Parking!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

Milford Oil spokesperson insists tanker was parked between the yellow lines.

Shout-out to Lisa Kik for 21 years at Workwell Industries. Man, I’m impressed by your dedication and hard work to make this great nation even greater. Whatever you do, you attack with a vengeance. You ALWAYS put 110% into what you do. And I will also remember your niece, Adline (AD-leen) . She is very dear to your heart, I can tell. And that is how it should be, to care for things and people that will always pay you back down the road with their gratitude. I hope Adline becomes like you, Lisa, hard-working, unselfish, and great believer in God. May God truly bless you.

Oh, what the heck, the examples keep popping up in my head

Marty’s stentorian drinking at Milford Lounge was only matched by the stentorian chewing out by the WDIG President of Marty because the ratings had hit the skids at last week’s football game.

Gil’s stentorian snoring forced Mimi to sleep in the boiler room at Milford High School because Steve Luhm was applying the final coat of wax in Mimi’s office. Mimi refused to sleep any further with Gil until he marched his ass down to Milford Men’s Clinic and treated his stentorian erectile problems AND subsequently marched his ass down to the Dr. McCoy Sleep Apnea Center at Milford General to treat his obnoxious, stentorian snoring.

Dagwood: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Mr. Dithers and Blondie: We give up.

Dagwood: To get to the other side.

Mr. Dithers and Blondie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Dagwood: You didn’t like the joke?

Insert rebuke

Mr. Dithers and Blondie: Do you realize how old that joke is?

Buffalo stampeding the Children’s Department at Kohl’s, ripping up all the Underoos.

And I was walking down the street one day

Being pushed and shoved by Mudlarks trying to break these panels and dump this plot on its head

And I said

Does anybody really know what time this plot will end?

Does anybody really care?

And so I cannot fathom why

We left our brains from this to fry

Gang, comment away. I have another example of stentorian to leave you with (If you don’t like it, may you be eternally confined with Tiki at his living quarters with pigs and buffalo). Take her away, Bob Eubanks

“Couple #3, How would you describe your sex life will your say as ‘stentorian’?”

Coach Shaw on a roll

“Oh, man, when I’m humpin’ and pumpin’ like a dog on a fire hydrant and skinnin’ my wife like a 10-point buck and rippin’ her guts, not literally but sexually, she turns me into a saber-toothed tiger!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Well, Tony the Tiger, the answer is not so GRRRRRREEAAATTTTTTT!!!!!!!!! She answered when you’re arguing while you’re trying to avoid her and you wind up in the sugar maple tree in your yard because your whim-whim got beaten down by the stapler.”

“Honeyyyyy, you know we sold the stapler at our yard sale last week.”

“You still have to use the magnet to yank out the staples.”

“Coach Shaw, I hope the Superconductivity is high.”

The Milford Mudlark gym-turned-into-studio audience roars with laughter.

Good ol’ Bob. Knows how to keep cameo coaches in line. Like that in a man.

 

Gil: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Kaz: I give up

Gil: It was heading to Milford Community College because it heard there was a symposium that was in the process of solving Fermat’s Last Theorem and it had the proof and the papers in its claw, pointing out several flaws such as the 1 hadn’t been carried when they were adding x^n + y^n = z^n, that the n was a prime, not a composite number, throwing the whole proof off, therefore the radical had to be a negative within the radical, naturally, rendering it an imaginary number, therefore stymieing Bertrand Russell’s assertion that imaginary numbers belonged in Marty’s goatee, and that the exponent n was really part of the Commutative Property of Equality, refuting the argument that

x^n + y^n = z^n

However

z^n doesn’t equal x^n + y^n when switched around,

thereby rendering Side-Angle-Side Theorem totally futile and the chicken was on the verge of achieving fortune and fame via negating this misapplied thesis but before it could stand on the Shoulders of Giants, the Pepsi truck ran it over in the parking lot.

Kaz: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Gil: You didn’t think it was funny?

Kaz: Some of my best friends love imaginary numbers.

Meet Skip Tracy, née Bob Kazinski

Here we go again

Kaz plays detective because

He can’t coach for shit

 

Pine Trace landlord is

Quick to give the deets about

Tiki’s apartment

 

Like a Motel 6

Maybe Kaz should work for ICE

Where’s “Rick” Soto now?

 

Next, Kaz is calling

The Microsoft campus. Why?

Oh, it’s COACH Redmond!

 

Is he at New Thayer?

Must be. Why the hell else would

Kaz be calling him?

 

New Thayer must have

A real crappy school system

To leave for Milford

 

Why else would you move

Into a dumpy place on

The poor side of town?

 

The missing subtext:

The Valley’s full of income

Inequality