Talk to the Hands, Maybe

Chance Macy: introvert, or just antisocial?

Bob “Kaz” Kazinski: actual coach, or Gil’s Boy Friday?

Gil “Gil” Thorp: protective of his players, or control freak media manipulator?

Hey, Rubin can write a cryptic strip, why can’t we post cryptic blog posts?

At least the Chief can indulge his hand fetish illustrating this little tête-à-tête. Either Gil has six fingers on his left hand or one of them’s his thumb peeking from between the others. Both Gil and Kaz look to have overdeveloped right hands, IYKWIMAITYD.

 

 

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The Air In the Front Yard Is Cooler Than the Air Coming Out of You*

Back from a brief hiatus and feeling a bit refreshed. Know what else would be refreshing? A story arc about a player who just wants to get better and actually gets better through coaching. A kid whose parents are simply supportive of his or her interests and not trying to live vicariously through them or project their own shortcomings onto them.

But that would be asking too much, wouldn’t it? Far easier to trot out the cardboard villain adult who puts it where it doesn’t belong to try to advance their kid’s causes for their own selfish motives. Here busybody Ballard feels that need to for reasons known only to him. Where does he plan to use his observation about Chance Macy? As evidence that the kid is too gassed/hurt to come out to party** and, as such, deserves to be benched in favor of Charlie? Or that his not coming out to party is evidence that he’s not a team player and, as such, deserves to be benched in favor of Charlie?

Either way, it’ll be another strike against Ballard, whose big swing and a miss on Tiki Jansen makes this strike two.

*Alternate title: Chet Ballard, Backdoor Man. Is that an actual transom above the Schuring’s back door?

**Pretty confident of the Schurings to plan a postgame victory party at their house, innit?

Shindig At The Schurings, Bring Your Mom

Yesterday, Gil had his post-game moment with Oakwood’s coach, and now we switch to the team’s perspective…and what a perspective.

Our QB has an announcement…which he conveyed via text. So where is QB Chris Schuring? Has he already left? There are some players still in full uniform while the guy standing in panel 1 is already in civies. I guess everyone moves at their own pace and some guys like to linger in their sweaty gear. Schuring is already halfway to the Beverage Castle to pick up refreshments, I guess.

The idea of an impromptu party for kids and their parents seems very weird. It kind of seems like a party where nobody is really going to have much fun. Things are different in Milford. Maybe some parents like to do beer bongs or maybe the Schurings have a caterer on call and can have rumaki for one hundred at a moment’s notice.

It’s good that the unknown Mudlark in panel 3 (how high up out of panel does his hair go?) starts laying down some ground rules for the party. He probably has a mobile dj rig in his car and he’s been itching to bust it out all summer. The parents shall stay inside, listen to Steely Dan and feel each other out on who might be down to swing.

Ah heck, forget all these flights of fancy. The only reason the parents are involved is a pretext so Chet can show up and be an asshole.

Take it away, Jonathan Richman

Scratching a 6-year itch

 

and finally on Day 15 of this game, it ends, with a Milford win and the traditional handshake between Gil and the Oakwood coach, who is now white with hair.

Here they are in 2013………

…..and in 2007.

and finally in 2006…..

So every 6 years or so they are shown shaking hands. Hey, when the game lasts longer then some haircuts, the least you can do is congratulate your opponent for surviving a taffy pull.

 

Mudlarks Are Forced To Punt It Away To The Script.

Now the Oakwood Mighty Cashews look a little awkward, doing that Sha Na Na routine, one Cashew humpin’ another, but if it’ll stuff the run and give them a shot to right the ship before time runs out, ya do what gotta do.

The consolation prize is the melange of tacklers and blockers and the poor schmuck running with the ball DOES resemble tackling and blocking. No 15-leg octopus stepping off the UFO with several 7-legged Martians and their fiancees. If the earth is going to be taken over by Kanamits, it’s comforting to know they cannibalize earthlings with only 2 appendages.

But we were understandably antsy about Charlie Roh’s kismet, his having fumbled once earlier in the game that occurred 2 months ago. Labor Day is when Gil gave Roh a bear hug and told Charlie “when the going gets tough the tough get going.” But remember, Gil cussed him out over the same faux pas around Guy Fawkes Day. Tear their ass down  when they goof but hug ’em tighter later on, especially when the game’s on the line. Sounds like good coaching is the order of the day here.

Come to Fuel Mart in Austin, Indiana where they will give you the great service that’s a given around their neck of the woods. Savannah and Helen run a super operation, the customers at a steady flow whenever I walk in. Gang, THAT’S busy. And that’s because they have great goodies, from hot dogs and frankfurters on the grill to SEVERAL snacks, from potato chips to cheese puffs, candy bars to snack cakes by the BOATLOAD. And don’t forget the sandwiches. Nor the colas, another plentiful quantity. Add in great gas at great prices and I don’t wonder why they are busy as bees. I also wish to give shoutouts to Daelyn and Roberta, 2 ladies who have been there for several years and treat you like you want to be treated. I have seen Daelyn for several years and she has ALWAYS been professional in her dealings with the customer, plus she can get things in order because she knows the store and knows hows to get it done. Roberta has been there for 18 years and I congratulate her because she has been dedicated to the business and she does so with a smile. She also knows the inner workings of the store and knows also how to solve knotty problems. Ladies, they don’t pay you enough. I salute you.

Support Small Business, Gang. Come to the neighborhood where fellowship and food and fuel all go hand in hand.

Did you see this coming

Was it all so obvious

Charlie was stuffed

But the ball was conspicuous

You don’t have to be a genius to know this reeks

Don’t need the DNA test to plug the leaks

Charlie hopes are sinking fast

His talents are poorly cast

C’mon, admit it, everybody in the Western Hemisphere and the Island Nation of Fiji thought that Charlie was going to do something stupid with the ball, the Miracle at the Meadowlands replayed or, to keep quoting Yogi, “deja vu all over again.” And I’ll admit and I daresay the vast majority were thinking he would fumble the ball a second time which would be a logical choice, were this to be an answer on the multiple choice portion of the exam.  Let’s look at the other choices

B) He did a Flubber and ran all the way to the end zone where he was so caught up in the Medfield crowd that he smashed into one of the goal posts, coughs up the ball, and the Rutland Cashew runs the other way for a score, they kick the extra point, the game winds up being a sister-kisser and he gets amnesia and thinks he is taking over for Darren McBride as Milford’s quarterback in the next game after McBride’s A-Fib flares up again

C) He does a Forrest Gump and runs PARALLEL with the 50-yard line all the way out of the stadium and is found later on Mt. Everest after the Hillary Expedition finds the football in some sherpa’s tent. Milford goes on to win as there were spare footballs in Coach Shaw’s pick-up, right below his gun rack

D) With one Rutland Cashew to beat, Charlie kicks the poor free safety in the nuts, subsequently getting penalized half the distance to the goal line THE OTHER WAY, prompting Gil to remind the Flubber referee of the proper ruling, that it’s defined under personal foul, according to Valley Conference Comments on the Rules, therefore should only be assessed 25 yards. The game is played under protest, to be played at when the game started, the date sometime in December just after Gil’s party.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Rioting On The Streets Of Milford After Protest Parade Fails To Settle Issue On Roh’s Fate.”

sub headline

“Roh on indefinite house arrest at the Fleming household after 2nd fumble causes comic strip to lose its charter.”

Did you see this coming

Was Chet obvious

Belching his ire

Contempt for Gil conspicuous

You don’t have to wear your glasses to see what’s new

You don’t have to look again to catch Chet’s spew

Charlie’s mom, hanging her head

Wishing that she were dead

And I realize that there are people out there who are nice people off the field who turn into bug-eyed fanatics wondering why their kid isn’t the next Jordan when the gun goes off or the ball is tapped. Now, in fairness, if you haven’t seen family play sports, you couldn’t possibly understand how easy it is to judge until YOU ARE THE ONE WATCHING YOUR KID PLAY. And I’ll admit that I got overly excited when I first started out but I asked a ton of questions and got better at the game, literally and figuratively.

That said, P2 is just utterly ridiculous. Last month, he was the Sharp Dressed Man and acted the part. Hadley Victor Victoria might have headed out of Dodge with the brass ring but I admired Chet because his points were valid and very well-taken. Today, or tonight, in a star-studded sky that looks like Mr. and Mrs. Roh are watching their kid play sports in one of those tiny jars that you get a Christmas time that spread the sprinkles and stars every which way when you flip it upside down, ad nauseum, Chet is reaching Pro Wrestling Bad Guy status. Sure, unfortunately, the sad reality is there are parents like Chet that get that way.

But Chet is getting melodramatic here. It’s getting to the point where if the trombone player in the Milford Marching Band misses a note on “The Horse”, it’s Gil’s fault, he didn’t prep the player to grease the slide before pre-game warm-ups. Or if the P.A. announcer mispronounces the Rutland player as “Shitter” rather than “Sheeter” when the player originated from German lineage during the Bismarck era and therefore carries the surname “Schitter”, Chet is blaming Gil because he didn’t hand the announcer a media guide or Fodor’s “Milford in 10 Days”. Miracle at the Meadowlands? Gil should have called a time out before the Eagle could make it to the end zone.

And Chet’s wife’s body language says it all. She is dejected, either because Roh got stopped and couldn’t make mama proud or she is embarrassed for Chet’s boorish behavior. Likely a combo of the two. Or maybe the concession stand taco salad loaded too much ostrich beef. Definite Rolaids Moment.

If ya want the other kid on the other fishing team at Mudlark Lake disqualified and yore own kid on his team to grab the trophy cuz yore boy caught 184 walleye and the boy on the other team caught a hammerhead shark, a blatant violation of the rules cuz it’s a foreign object that ain’t got no business in the water, even though it were a fate d’komplait cuz the other kid done it with a Popeel Pocket Fisherman, ya might be a redneck.

And aside from Chet making a jackass of himself, something I’m led to believe will be the norm in the next 2-3 months (Now if he blames Coach T. on Valentines Day because Charlie should have been looking the Russell Stover Dark Chocolates in the tuck, Chet should check in at Milford Psychiatric Associates) , why does Thorpiverse ALWAYS show some kid, adult, Martian, tweener, wheelchair-bound personality from the nursing ho,e out to get some fresh air and take in a game, etc., SMILING or in general having that Stimpy face every time Milford runs into misfortune?

“Milford fumbles!!!!!!!!!!!! Oakwood runs it the other way and scores!!!!!!!!! Oakwood wins!!!!!!!!!!! Oakwood wins!!!!!!!!!!! This is Harry Caray…”

HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY

HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY

HAPPY HAPPY…

 

But it’s nice to see Beetle Bailey weigh in and soak in the sights. Snorkel must have given him a 3-day pass.

 

Robmize, you know I’ll never change. I’ve tried.

 

Okay, Gene Rayburn is here to restore things to order here on Match Game 2019. Without further ado, you got the floor, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), she thought that Charlie _______________ the ball when Oakwood got it back.”

Did you see this coming

Was the bull shit obvious

Out of his butt

His butthead’s conspicuous

You don’t have to be ahead to cheer your team

Your son doesn’t have to be Montana for him to beam

Mama’s raising lots of cane

Cuz Chet’s just a stinkass pain

And Mama Roh is getting off the mat after Chet Drago insists on making a royal donkey of himself. Good for her. I get the feeling she will be the one who keeps Charlie level-headed when Chet never gets the hint that he should stick to insurance and let Gil do the coaching. Uhhhhhhhh, well, you get the idea. Gil might not be doing any coaching, like he hasn’t in God-knows-when but he’s still an expert in his field. That’s what’s important. If the bus driver crashes the Greyhound into a utility pole because he was too busy on the cell phone with friends but still has his CDL, he’s covered.

Still waiting on the outcome from Mama Roh’s encouragement. Don’t choke on this one, Thorpiverse. All the free throw lines are 15 feet from the basket.

“Will Oakwood tie things or can Milford hang on? We’ll know in a moment. We’ll take a station break with the score, Milford, 14, Oakwood, 7. This is Marty Moon on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

“You know, when my house blew down after some PLO terrorist sailed through town on their way to a convention, we had issues with our house after they set off one bomb too many. We couldn’t possibly invite guests over next week for pot luck supper, let alone use the verandah, except for a fortress should those terrorists return.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Mudlark Brick and Masonry. The good people there were understanding after having been bombed themselves when some of the Japanese took a detour from Pearl Harbor and somehow located Milford in the Rand McNally. The shag carpeting was ruined.

We had cracks in the flagstone brick after shards went all over the lawn. It was hard to get any privacy. Did you ever try to take a dump when Coach Shaw and the kids are on their Sunday afternoon stroll down the street? But Mudlark Brick and Masonry showed me ways to plug those gaps with the finest brick-repairing materials you could lay your trowel on. With the finest Bedford, Indiana limestone, the kind that built the Empire State Building, it gives me and my family piece of mind that the shower stall was once going to The Big Apple as a foundation for the Chrysler Building.

Walls bowing in? Yup, that was a problem but these experts have faced adversity and a Japanese howitzer so they yelled “Tora! Tora! Tora!” when they saw our cupboards in the kitchen about to cave in. Gypsum never looked any better and gave a nice touch to the Lazy Susan containing all our Kashi cereals. We could lean the Amana stove against the wall and the gypsum walls would keep the stove from landing on top of the refrigerator magnets. Did you ever try to cook Shake and Bake in a 3-quart saucepan with your ice cube tray floating in with the chicken breasts? Thank God these pros knew what they were doing.

And how ’bout uneven concrete? Hey, bombs will mess up the promenade leading from the verandah to the bird bath and feeder at the end of our yard. Mudlark Brick and Masonry redesigned the sidewalk so we wouldn’t get vertigo trying to walk with a sack of bird seed on our shoulders. You know how concrete can make you do the 50-yard hurdles if you don’t implement preventive medicine. Concrete mixed well like a baby formula from the cement mixer was the perfect tonic.

But don’t take my word for it. Come in today and see for yourself. If you’ve been victimized by aliens who like to do joy rides on your driveway with their UFO’s and mess up the masonry all around the household, why reach for your Uzi when Milford Brick and Masonry will take most insurance plans? Come on in and check out your own florr plans and tell ’em Coach Thorp and the Milford Neighborhood Vigilante Associates sent ya.”

Go at it, Gang. Chet ought to be done by the time all the stars and dust in the jar settles.

“…I’m not superstitious or even religious, I just want things so true

I’m not worried about things, Gil, they’ll take me away from YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.”

Sealing The Deal

Chris Schuring deep to Hiawatha James…Milford takes the lead! I guess Gil couldn’t wait to see what strong armed QB Chris Schuring could do, so he gambled on the low percentage play on 3rd and 1. Schuring found Hiawatha James for a touchdown and the gamble paid off.

It seems like Hiawatha’s been around awhile, but as far as I can tell, our first look at him was just last spring when he was named catcher for the baseball team. We know he played defensive back last year. Gil named him as defensive back this year, but lo and behold, he’s making plays on both sides of the ball. I guess his name is so memorable, it seems like we’ve been seeing it for years.

So the dramatic cliffhanger today is hinging on what Charlie Roh does with the ball this time after fumbling the last time we saw him. If he coughs up another ball, will his reputation as Charlie “Ruh” Roh become legend? Will Stepdad Chet have to engineer some kind of shady school transfer because Charlie can’t show his face at Milford High anymore? Or will he succeed and get the job done, and if so, will Chet continue to bellyache because Charlie is only used for mop up?

Stay tuned sports fans.

 

 

The Plot Is Marching Deep Into Enemy Territory. Maybe It’ll Reach The Red Zone.

Now I didn’t say it was going to score. Thorpiverse could run into a goal-line stance. Yup, just when we think Joe Montana has engineered the drive that’ll win the Super Bowl, we could experience a reversal of fortune

“Montana sees Rice in the end zone, for the Championship, Montana throws, Rice ha-”

MARY HARTMAN, MARY HARTMAN.

Well, it was fun while it lasted. Joe kept the chains going anyway. And it was smart for Jerry Rice to step out of bounds to kill the clock. That kept The Drive going. I’ll just have to watch it on tape delay after the local news tonight. I think the plot does do reruns.

If I do stay up late, do I want to see that Late Abstractionist footwear again? Thorpiverse apparently forgot to bring his cleats so he went to the locker room to get out his Red Ball specials. Didn’t they wear those items in “Son of Flubber?” They were able to jump over the goal post in that game, as I recall. They could get to the concession stand in one bounce and Coach Thorp would never know. Why run an end around when you could run like a flea on a fly pattern. Just throw to that Oreo sky, I’ll catch the damn thing.

Well, at least the centipede today in P1 has all its legs. Normally, there’s a foot or two missing when we’re engineering the plot, or the football, forward. This time, shoild they score, the good news is, the Mudlarks will have all their appendages attached and I mean, in the proper order. No Toy Story job,  i.e., hand going in the shoulder socket where the collarbone is as a rule located. The hamstring will be right side up. Pectoralis major will be a pectoralis major, not flashing a facade as your tibia.

What about the other team? Will they have their fibula in its right mind? Hey, in this business, you worry about your own problems. I’ll let Coach Andrews worry about how to shoehorn somebody’s humerus and ulna bone out of that Oakwood free safety’s butt.

 

Come to Jeff Smith Marathon and say hello to Bre and Crystal who run the place professionally and with a smile. They are getting a HUGE shoutout because they treat the customer like a king and keep the place humming in the bargain. Sounds like service to me. Heck, the customers in the waiting room were in a great conversation with the ladies, that’s how much of a rapport they have with customers and the public in general. Factor in great mechanics where the parking area is ALWAYS full(gotta hand it to ’em, they’re BUSY), great gas at great prices, and you have a winner for a business. Take Exit 118 off I-64 in Indiana, follow Indiana 62 West until you see the FIRST road to your left and you are THERE(across the road from Edwardsville UMC).

Gang, support Small Business. You need to go where EVERYBODY knows your name. Bre and Crystal know mine.

 

And it appears that Mudlarks are finding the seams in Oakwood’s defense and moving forward in their quest for a score. It may have taken 6-7 panels for Milford’s offensive coordinator to make the adjustments but looky here, in P1 they made it to the 9/10 line. Toldja they’d run a screen out right. Caught the O’wood outside linebacker napping.

 

Because I’m a little overwhelmed after reading some travel magazine article saying we, the general public, would be surprised at what country leads the world in the divorce rate, myself laying money on Papua New Guinea because Christie Brinkley may be foxy-looking but being cooped up with her on an island 24/7 and looking at coconuts and monkeys in trees as your summer social in the South Pacific might not as appealing as what is being stated in the travel brochure

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Leads The Valley Conference In Marriage Annulments Granted, According To The Milford Municipal Clerk’s Office!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Andrews: ‘I kept telling the reporter “My wife and I are still together!” The Ward and June arrangement was just a stopgap until they took the stitches out from my hernia surgery!!!!'”

 

And P2 gets a little more funkier in the artwork. In P1, shoes were the only issue but the Dadaist Movement has extended itself just a little bit more. And it works.

It’s art worthy of Guggenheim when the quarterback is handing off the Wonder Bread loaf, or faking the French bread and making it LOOK like the fullback is going to rip the sideline with the pumpernickel safely tucked in his bicep.

Speaking of biceps, isn’t it amazing how the quarterback has been pumping iron to fill his right arm with a generous supply of muscle, unclear why he left his left arm so that he’d have to use pour Liquid Drano down his wrist later on to remove the nasty clog.

And again, we THINK this is a fake, sneaking a peek into P3. Mr. Pentagon Head in the background might know, he’s really wrapped up in this cliffhanger. I hope he doesn’t fall out of the stadium, the structure is leaning over again after Milford Disposal dumped another wad under the bleachers. And that sign!!!!! You’d hate to lose it just because the Leaning Tower of Pisa finally gave out and overlapped onto the field. It’d be hell on goal post repairs and the sign might be lost forever. What other comic strip has cheesy generic placards? Should have done some pre-planning, Thorpivsrse.

If ya march yore trailer down Main Street in Milford and ya had ta have the Milford Police, Milford Sheriff’s Department, Milford Reserve Guard, Milford Horse Brigade, Milford Elementary School Patrol Boys, Milford Air National Unit, Milford VFW Post Retired Guard, Local 234, and the Canadian Mounties serve as escorts while yore runnin’ all the red lights, stop signs, yield signs, and the School Zone speed limit warnings, just so ya could make it to the Milford Luxury Estates Trailer Park b’fore they shut the gate at 8:00PM, ya might be a redneck.

3 and 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE ARE MAKING PROGRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I remember when I was in school and we would cheer on our high school football team with the war cry

FIRST AND TEN!!!!!!!!!!! DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

FIRST AND TEN!!!!!!!!!!! DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

FIRST AND ETC., ETC., ETC.

I’m confident I don’t need to repeat myself ad infinitum. Anyway, this is how I feel HERE. The plot is going to keep churning up the yardage and ram it down Oakwood’s throat. Man, those Walnuts don’t stand a chance. Just remember, Milford, look the ball in the tuck, don’t grab the nose tackle’s leg when you’re blocking and no unnecessary chances. We don’t need heroes. No long bombs at the 16-yard line. If you’re thinking of going deep in the 18th row where the marching band is playing, forget it. No calling for the ball by the tuba.

Let Pissy Face do his Texas Line Dance while the quarterback executes a fake draw. Those fans sitting in the splotchy staircase that’s leaning over the county line will never know what hit ’em. Neither will Oakwood. That’ll teach Coach Andrews to bolt on Gil when there was normalcy returned to the plot. You’re going to run into shitty plots whether you’re in Milford, New Thayer, Oakwood, Amsterdam, Havana, Rio, etc., Coach Andrews. Serves you right.

 

And I tell you what, Gang, I just get excited when I read that Alex Trebek holds the Guinness Book of World Records for hosting the most game show segments, 6,829, outdueling, yes, you guessed it, Bob “I moderated the Lincoln-Douglas Debates when I was a college student, majoring in Frontier Broadcast Journalism” Barker. Now I know that Barker did “Milford or Consequences” back  in the ’60’s-early ’70’s and he did a lot of shows so I’m thinking this is a dubious record. After all, the show was shot in the gym and that gets very little usage, the plot spending much more time divided between “Romper Room” and “Another World”. Studio audience in the bleachers? And they’re saying pre-historic Barker didn’t host beaucoup shows where they SHOULD be shooting free throws with the game on the line? Are you serious?

 

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O. J. Openly Questions Trebek’s Duration; Will Have Cochran Research The Issue InThe Archives At Milford Public Library!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I KNOW that dude didn’t do better than Wink Martindale. Wink had to have hosted over 7,000 shows of ‘Dialing for Mudlarks’. Ol’ Wink’s a legend here in Milford. Picks up the tab every time at Milford Lounge.”

 

THEY’RE RUNNING THE FLUBBER PLAY IN P3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Mudlarks want Oakwood to THINK Biff Hawk Schuring is throwing a pigskin but in reality it’s a fake reverse; Tiki Jensen is inflated with Flubber and has the football crammed up his butt, hidden by the overly inflated uniform. I sniffed it out because the referee was a dead giveaway. He’s the great-grandson of Alan Carney, the referee in the “Son of Flubber” game. He just grew a Fu Manchu so that Oakwood wouldn’t notice (“Hey, wasn’t that the guy who signaled a field goal when Biff kicked that 98-yarder?”) . Plus, the atmosphere in Milford Planetarium and Observatory can wreak havoc when you’re trying to read the play; some of the stars on the cardboard cast a poor perspective on Tiki Flubber so he can just float the last 20 yards untouched. Otherwise, you can see Venus in the sky if you squint.

 

ALL RIGHT, FIRST UNIT BACK IN AND FORGET YOUR MANNERS. WE AIN’T LETTIN’ THE MUDLARKS AND THE REST OF THE FLUBBERS BACK IN THE GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Coach Andrews, it’s 7-7, 4th quarter.”

 

“The game is knotted at 7 apiece but Milford threatens to score. They’re 2nd and goal and Coach T. wants to call a time out to talk things over. We’ll head to a commercial break. This is Marty Moon and you’re tuned into WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“You know, there are legends and there are LEGENDS. That’s why when I heard that the Guinness Brothers didn’t give Wink Martindale proper respect after he had hosted Milford Bingo Busters (“If ya yell ‘BINGO, you’re BUSTED”) for as long as Marty Moon’s goatee grew from peach fuzz to GQ celebrity statues, we were just a little perturbed here at Milford Beverage Warehouse. Hi, this is Coach Thorp and I wasn’t going to let Mr. and Mrs. Guinness get away with murder, that’s why WDIG is happy to announce the Wink Martindale Marathon, starting this Sunday at 5:00PM, Mudlark Standard Time and will show all of Wink’s memories from beginning to end, 24 hours a day until Wednesday, sponsored by Milford Beverage Warehouse and Milford Sewer Department. Didn’t you get a chill when you were downin’ your Early Times Bourbon Whiskey, $24.99 a bottle, when the contestant decided to go for it? The odds weren’t  favoring the peanut landing on B 24, but that’s why I’m an absentee coach and Wink’s a true star who has his star on the Milford Walk of Fame. Wink told the contestant to go for the gusto, you only go around once in life, and it paid off, the jackpot totaling $35 million. Wink shouldn’t have slobbered on the guy but that’s Wink.

How ’bout kickin’ back with your Evan Williams Hard Cider, $120 a case and kibbitzing while the judges try to decide on a ruling on whether the peanut that landed on N 19 should count, just because it bounced off Wink’s hair? Pretty sure that the judgment ruled in the contestant’s favor on the condition that half his winnings go to Milford Charities Bureau. Wink was all about fair play.

And I remember coming home late one night, half soused, and poppin’ the remote and seeing a tape delay of the show, swipin’ a Bud Dark Burn Lite from the 24-pack on the coffee table, that I bought for $40.99. Thank God I had my Visa Magic Milford Beverage Warehouse Platinum handy cuz I lost the damn thing under the couch. But Wink was in rare form, chastising a couple of contestants after they tried to sneak in Q45 and Z 75. Like Wink couldn’t spell. BINQO? Puh-lease.

And this week, as a special bonus to stoke up the competition for the 6th Annual Frisbee Golf Competition here at the Warehouse, there’s a challenging route, par 4, dog leg left, where your frisbee has to negotiate over the pile of Milford Beer Nuts in the middle of the floor. Talk about a sand trap. Then you have to position yourself to knock the covers off Wink’s bed in a cardboard cut-out showing him sleeping with the assistant female producer of the show. I may not like the concept but sometimes you gotta play the game if you want to host a first-rate operation. It was either that or take Eubanks’ place on the “Newleywed Game” and I couldn’t see him trying to get a couple to stop fighting over their disagreement on where they vacationed in Finland.

It’s all right here at Milford Beverage Warehouse. And have your sleeping bag ready this Sunday where you can go back to the good ol’ days and sip a cold Coors while enjoying the Marathon. Come down and get your TV bill of fare and tell ’em Wink and Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

All right, Gang. It’s all yours. I hope Ned Brainerd used the right amount of  Flubber this time; the last time, Tiki ran into his flying Model T and both landed on top of The Bucket.

 

“Do you know how to make a dead baby float?”

Gil and Mimi are clueless

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

“Oh, Coach, I’m sorry, it’s 2 scoops of dead babies and a Bucket Root Beer. Well, since you couldn’t tell the Truth AND you live in Milford, you’ll have to pay the Consequences…”

 

 

Leave It To Chance

The opener against Oakwood has mostly been the Chance Macy Show. Remember back in summer when the coaching staff saw the promise in this sophomore competing for the half back slot?

But we don’t really expect to learn much about Chance Macy besides his performance here, do we? Chance just happens to be the player who will take the starting spot from Charlie Roh, who is Chet Ballard’s stepson. What we know about Chet Ballard is that he just seems like one of those Milford dicks. He’s kind of a hybrid dick though. He’s a combo aggrieved parent/school official. So he has multilevel malice towards Gil.

Sorry Chance. You’re just pawn in game of Gil Thorp.

Seeing a guy break off long runs like Chance Macy does kind of remind me of high school football back in my day when it seemed like most teams lived or died with running backs. When a team had a great one, they’d feed him the ball thirty times a game and ride him to victory. I’m thinking of the coaching staff of Escambia High in Pensacola, Florida who didn’t do anything for four years except get the ball to Emmitt Smith.

Those were the days.