A Hot Spit Take

As promised, my jet-lagged and sleep-deprived self is here with today’s post and it’s gonna be blunt.

While Valley Tech players dance around like Matisse’s Icarus, Gil offers Luke a congratulatory handshake and gets a neck full of spittle in return. Not only does Martinez still carry a misdirected 35-year grudge, he also suffers from Napoleon syndrome and delusions of grandeur. Squeaking out a one-point win because you stopped your opponent’s two-point conversion attempt hardly qualifies as an embarrassment. There were no stakes attached to the golf game and no one listens to Marty’s podcast. People can only be embarrassed if they choose to be, and Gil clearly has not chosen to be.

Enough of this chode. He should get what’s coming to him eventually. Enough of the Tuesday morning quarterbacking, too. Gil gambled and the gamble didn’t pay off. It happens. I still think there should be some explanation for why Milford decided to go for two and not try to force overtime with an established kicker (maybe two, if we count Hooper and if the scores that are neat multiples of seven are any indication), but I’m not holding my breath. A few days on the domestic front and a Saturday Christmas Eve strip (surprised no Hanukkah strip with Kaz and his new squeeze) and we should pivot to basketball.

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to take a look at the inside of my eyelids. Happy Solstice. teenchy out.

Goodnight, Milford

The big gamble didn’t pay off for Coach Thorp. Tobias Gordon’s leap of faith failed and their hopes were dashed in the finals.

Look at the contrast of Coach Luke and Coach Kim basking in glory while the pissy faces of Gil and Kaz tell the story of defeat, humiliation and probably an utter lack of football intelligence. I mean, maybe they should have tried something even trickier like a rainbow flick lob or, ya know, kicking an extra point for the tie. Oh heck, Milford probably would have lost on penalty kicks anyway. Also, there may have been more stoppage time than we had been led to believe, so they could have tried pulling their goalie for a man advantage. Next time, Gil should try the 9-iron and a triangle defense. And that’s why they call it cribbage.

Kudos for the colorist for staying consistent for a whole game.

Hey guys, yhs is really not feeling great today. Please have at it in the comments and I’ll see you next week as we throw out the first shuttlecock.

A Leap of Faith Is What We Need to Read Gil Thorp These Days

Well, at least someone’s been kicking extra points since my last Saturday post. But not now.

Barajas Thorp must’ve gotten the note from the syndicate that football season has to END. THIS. WEEK. and concluded that going to OT was verboten. That, or he watched the Chargers beat the Cardinals with this balls move a couple of weeks ago, channeled his inner Brandon Staley and grown a pair of his own. I know what you’re thinking and no, I’m not hitching that train of thought to a caboose.

In fact, the only way to read this strip is to suspend all disbelief, lay down all thoughts, surrender to the void… the void in which the teams are playing. Pay no mind that the clock isn’t supposed to run during extra point attempts, that the center snapped the ball with enough force to change the quarterback’s skin tone and knock his helmet sideways, that the quarterback took six seconds to hand the ball off to the running back (probably because he had to look through his ear hole), or that the running back took nine seconds to leap over the VT D-line (a D-line that is just laying down for the running back because the Milford O-line is nowhere to be seen). Don’t even think about VT getting the ball back with enough time to move down the field and score, ’cause we don’t even know if Tobias will land on the ground in 15 seconds. “Math class is tough. Want to go shopping?”

Let’s hope that the game ends with Monday’s strip and the rest of this coming week wraps up the football season. Let’s also hope Barajas has spent more time learning the rules of basketball than he has learning the rules of football. Finally, let’s hope Whigham remembers how to make the artwork match the narration. All of this hope is going to require a leap of… well, you know.

3 panels, 3 piles of hoo-ha

Like a full plate of food at a buffet, of which I was at 2 on Sunday, (Breakfast with Santa and the dog and a holiday party) we have a lot to digest.

P1– What kind of hat is that for a football coach not named Bum Phillips? Duh, Gil is behind and wants to pass it. Thats a brilliant thought. I dont know Gil from Adam (Sandler) but I know you pass when behind and run when ahead. Of course Coach Kim suggests the opposite- we cant stop the run so Gil will continue to run it. Goddamn it, this is high school. Just play your normal defense. I watched high school football for 35 years, and 99 percent of the defensive coverages look the same.

And why is the VT head coach referring to his assistant like that? Just say his first name. Your his boss, dope.

P2– The radio analyst announces what Milford needs to avoid OT— hey dope, the team that wants to avoid OT is the team thats ahead. Not Milford. Theyre behind. And whats THIS TD?? How about A TD?.. dope?

Apparently thats the Milford QB extending his arm into P3 where we have….

P3– Hey Marty– say the guys name that passed the ball, not MILFORD PASSES. Its not the whole team throwing the ball is it? Dope.

Rodney Barnes MAKES THE CATCH. Completes the catch is for the replay officials in the NFL to determine. This is high school. Dope. And nice defense by VT- not a defender in sight of Barnes; they obviously played the assistants strategy. Dopes.

And I pass the baton to Teenchy for the dramatic finish tomorrow. Will the Larks go for 2 or play for OT and extend the game into Christmas?

I’m ready for some dessert now.

NEW CATEGORY: DOPES.

Enjoy a clip of the real number 89 – Mike Ditka’s number retirement ceremony at Soldier Field.

Vive la Résistance!

Gentle readers, I must admit that there are days when I need a little motivation to try and understand a given day’s strip and to make a coherent post about it. Most Some days I have to broaden my horizons and try to find a pop culture reference to tie in the action or the dialogue. Most Some days the pure absurdity of what’s being presented lets the post write itself. Some days – and today is one of those days – that I just have to break the strip down into its individual parts and comment on each part. On those days it helps to have a mantra, and today’s mantra is Ohm. So let’s get to it.

P1: All together now: In American football, the team in possession of the football, or the offense, tries to advance the football down the field to score points while the team without possession of the football, or the defense, tries to stop the offense’s advance and to take control of the ball for themselves. In terms of the goals of each unit, the offense is thus the force and the defense is the resistance.

P2: Marty has been at this gig long enough that he should know the basic rules of the game. He should also know that the end of the second quarter in American football is usually referred to as “halftime” or “the half.” Or it could be that Lachlan doesn’t know that. Lachlan is a name of Gaelic origin, so he could be a noob at calling an American football game.

P3: Now we know how Marty’s been supplementing his income since he lost the TV2 job: by calling illegal dog fights over the dark web. Applying the dog fighting analogy to Valley Tech football might explain why there’s a chain-link fence right along the sideline of their field. Cage match rules at Valley Tech might explain why Maivia’s having such a good night, or day, hard to tell.

Stepping back and looking at the strip as a whole, you can see a flow of action, kind of like Eadweard Muybridge’s photos of horses. It’s the description of the flow that requires detachment and meditation. So please join me. Ohm…

meta: A moment of silence and a bag of candy corn on the curb for Mike Leach. Love him, hate him, or somewhere in between, you have to admit he made college football more interesting and less corporate. Rest in peace, oh pirate.

The Finals!

Those of you who have been concerned that pacing of this strip might not allow a wrap up to the football arc within the traditional calendar period for football can now rest easy. We are at The Finals! What Finals, you ask? It’s The Finals of football, duh. It’s just like every year when some format of regular season games leads to playoffs and then The Finals. Seriously, don’t you all remember how there are Finals? Here’s another one!

As alluded to, in order to keep us on a real-world calendar, we don’t know what route was taken to get to these finals, but as luck would have it, Milford will be taking on Valley Tech and a champion (of something) will be crowned. The Valley Tech cheerleader is appropriately excited that the match up we all wanted is happening and the band is pumping up the volume to elevate the intensity. I think there’s even a fists raised, woo hoo guy doing his thing at the top row of the bleachers. Either that, or he’s going to take a swan dive to the ground below because the intensity is just too much! (It is The Finals afterall!)

Since it’s the Finals, the burden of such an auspicious event is too much for one man to broadcast, Marty Moon has a partner in the booth. (This looks more like a real booth of some sort rather than Marty’s usual crate. There’s ceiling tiles and overhead lighting and room for the renowned Lachlan to help capture THE moment.) This should be a special broadcast. I hope someone is taping it!

The world famous Lachlan is hyping up the big showdown of coaches for today’s Final. He’s on board with Coach Luke Hernnadez’s Martinez’s moniker. He’s probably listened back to Marty’s podcast.

Let’s get down to business and turn it over to the Blue Lives Matter referee to officiate the coin toss. Valley Tech wins the coin toss! This means that Milford has to get the special teams. Of course, but where from? Were they still sitting on the bus? What personnel will Valley Tech use to field the kickoff? Does coaching wunderkind Luke “The Sherriff” Martinez have some radical alternative to special teams?

I’m sure all questions will be answered. Let’s sit back and enjoy The Finals!

Where Have All the Kickers Gone?

(oder Sag mir wo die Kicker sind?)

At first glance this looks like a logical extension of the Milford-New Thayer game we’ve been watching all week – or is it? A quick recap is in order.

On Wednesday it looked like it was gonna turn into a track meet, tied at 21 after the first quarter. On Thursday the teams trade touchdowns – New Thayer’s on a pick-six – and the score is tied at 28. Yesterday the Mudlarks retained – er, fielded – an onside kick, and were ready for “showtime.” Making the leap from yesterday’s strip to today’s requires gymnastics the likes of which we haven’t seen since Tipp Nunn vaulted over the Valley Tech line for a touchdown.

If the score was tied until today’s strip, the only way Milford was kicking off was if it was a kickoff to start the second half. How much time has elapsed, then, between the onside kick and today’s action? Is there a minute on the clock in the third quarter or the fourth quarter? Are the Mudlarks on the New Thayer 6 (based on the number of hash marks between the line of scrimmage and the goal line) or the New Thayer 11 (based on the digit “0” to the right of Marty’s word balloon)? If the New Thayer end zone’s diagonal stripes run from the goal line to the back of the end zone, how the hell did Elias end up facing the way he is in the end zone? Is he at the back of the end zone, the sideline, or what?

The bigger questions: Why isn’t Milford attempting a field goal? What happened to Hooper? What happened to Toby? Who kicked all those extra points to give the Mudlarks 28 points? Did they score four touchdowns, no extra points, and two safeties? One touchdown, no extra points, and eleven safeties? Why did they leave so much time on the clock? Is that our cliffhanger?

Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate Elias’ stiff-arm to the head, pushing the NT player into the BLOCK! That guy should end up leaving the field on a board. I just can’t make this make any more logical sense. Maybe y’all can. Talk amongst yourselves while I drop the musical inspiration for the post title. teenchy out.

Hooper! Draw the chum line!

The title of the post is somewhat of a line from Jaws, when the 3 men are out on the sea chasing the shark and Robert Shaws character Quint yells at Matt Hooper, played by Richard Dreyfuss, to steer the boat so as to allow Roy Scheider playing Chief Brody to toss chum on the water to attract the shark. I never tire of watching that movie; it never ceases to amaze me how the most inexperienced seaman of the 3 winds up killing the shark using guile, bravery, and good old common sense, and the lessons learned from the movie if one watches it carefully can be carried throughout life. It shows that if you keep your wits and never give up, anything is possible, no matter the odds.

Back to Milford football and yes, its past Pearl Harbor Day and we’re still playing. What else is new? Hey we’re in our comfort zone at last! And Marty is showing the effects of all that liquor as he forgets he’s on the radio and tells us to look at something.

The Larks have recovered an onside kick and keep the football for another possession. The players are a bit spread out as they run on the field. And why is it finally showtime now? Was the previous segment of the game only a preview? And I need to see more players on the bench behind Gil. Youre gonna need more then 5 guys to pull this off. Where’s the defense at least? And no idea what number the guy to Gils left is. Could be a U. Hey U, get out there!