“I’d keep playing. I don’t think the heavy stuff’s going to come down for quite a while.”

It’s a day full of cliches at the MCC, but why blind pigs and acorns? Why not blind squirrels and nuts? Blind pigs and acorns make the best jamón ibérico de bellota, but with size of the bets Carter’s been making I think squirrel jerky Underwood Deviled Ham is more in line with his budget.

Meanwhile, something mysterious appears on the horizon. Funnel cloud? Vic Doucette’s grandpa van? Hendricks’ crappy shot to bluff Heather and Gil? Why not all of the above? Will this group call it quits before they get to see the true nature of the sandbag, or will they play through and tempt the wrath of higher powers?

meta: Wasn’t Local H a topic of discussion on a Rock ‘n Roll Thursday some time back? I’ve lost track of those ever since I switched from posting Thursdays to Wednesdays. In any event I just stumbled across Local H’s cover of TV On The Radio (a band I’ve really been into for the past year or so)’s “Wolf Like Me.” Sharing it here with the original to jog memories and invite comparisons.

Freak hand golf

Club pro John Jawor is actually a real club pro at Plum Hollow in Southfield Michigan. Thats lovely.

https://www.hometownlife.com/story/sports/golf/2015/06/19/pristine-plum-hollow-ready-states-best-amateurs/29010551/

No idea why he cares so much about Mr. Paleys match against Carter Hendricks. That bunker on number 6 must be a monstrosity, because why the hell would he remember one shot out of one bunker 10 holes before the end of the match? I sure the heck dont start my review of a round with how my opponent got out of bunkers. Much less put my hand in front of my face while doing so. 2 shots 10 holes apart by his opponent – hey Paley, more about you next time and less about Mr. Sandman.

On to P3, where Gil is on the driving range and the pro is asking him about some random guy playing golf on the course. If Gil is busy giving lessons how does he know if Hendricks is a reputable player or a sandbagger, as the pros question would suggest. No idea how the info in the first 2 panels would suggest anything suspicious, but in this strip, we know anything goes. And how does Gil know how much time the pro has to watch 1 player at his course, when he has lessons to give, and many other duties related to running a golf course?

In other news, I’m heading to Colorado Sunday to watch the team formerly known as the Chicago Cubs take on the Rockies. No worries as I’ll be back Friday to do this job, and Im sure by then we’ll have more info on that cheatin sack o lies Hendricks. Dream on, TWIMers!

I’m shocked – SHOCKED! – that I’m using this line again!

We start today with more golf gibberish to the effect that grinning idiot Hendricks here flubbed a shot but got lucky and close to the hole. As a result, he wins a bet with the sturdy looking dude with the color-changing shirt and bucket hat. Shades of Lanny Penn again, maybe – but what’s this? I know there’s a movement afoot to replace Andrew Jackson’s likeness on the $20 bill, but it’s with Harriet Tubman‘s, not Val Kilmer’s.

Quick cut to the offices of the Milford Star where Marjie Ducey’s talking to her editor, whose body looks suspiciously like Gil’s when he’s making the mangia bene hand gesture. Presumably he’s got Heather Burns’ resume in front of him, which should look a little like this:

EDUCATION

BA, Journalism, University of Iowa, Iowa City, IA, 2021

High School Diploma, Milford High School, Milford, ??, 2017

WORK EXPERIENCE

Assistant Coach, Milford 7-on-7 football practice, 2017

Life Coach to Confused NBA Players, 2017

Varsity Football, Tight End, Tackling Dummy, Fifth-String Quarterbacks Coach, Assistant Trainer, and General Distraction, 2016

Varsity Soccer, Dead Weight, ???-2016

Alright, Rubin’s got about six weeks for this arc. How are these rando panels gonna come together, then, gentle readers? Heather Burns gets a job with the Star, but not a permanent job – Milford’s too much of a tank town to need more than one reporter – so she’ll serve as Marjie’s unpaid intern. Marjie puts her on the trail of this gambling and counterfeiting ring at the Milford CC, launching Heather’s career as an investigative reporter* somewhere else while Marjie gets to keep her top dog status at the Star.

*Because that worked out so well for Dafne Dafonte.

Everybody Wins, Except the Readers

Putting up today’s post is more painful than watching Max Scherzer giving up a salami to a Padres reliever just up from the minors during his 7-run meltdown last night in San Diego. That means it’s pretty painful.

A lot of folks called this one, with both Zane and Abel getting a seat on the Milford Library Board either through board-packing or attrition. I’m not gonna waste a whole lot of brain cells trying to fill in the blanks to make this plot make any kind of sense. I will, however, point out that this is the weakest use of Thorpian persuasion for someone’s benefit we’ve seen in some time. Funny how quickly dude rolled over for Gil, especially after Gil told him in so many words that his grandson sucked at baseball.

Did anyone really think Zane’s run for the Board was anything other than symbolic, an effort to keep Abel from being able to gut the library’s funding and resources? Did anyone seriously think the kid was gonna have time to actually serve on the board, between having to study for classes to having to support his family working two jobs and, oh, yeah, to attempt to play baseball? Maybe Gil truly did, since he knew Zane, having only played his freshman and senior years, was no stud on the ball field and wouldn’t have any scholly offers coming his way. Nope, looks like the Milford Library Board is as high as Zane can reach, since his post-graduation prospects haven’t been mentioned at all.

Good thing Gil stuck his neck out for Zane like that. It’s not quite getting him re-accepted at State U after failing to stand up for him over a little thing with a butter knife, but a man’s gotta know his limits.

Like A Tragedy

Katy and Zane are still riffing on this Romeo and Juliet nonsense? Sheathe your weapon Katy, Chief Lind expressly hath forbidden bandying in Milford streets. Did we really have to check in with these star crossed idiots again for a single panel accounting for half the tags on this post. Katy has all the chunky accoutrements and is posing in front of a prairie style window. It’s enough to make you plotz.

There’s more baseball to be played. Oh joy. Marty has to drag the crate out in the summer heat and document Zane Romeo Clark’s exploits on the mound. He’s probably sitting on a cooler full of iced cold Schlitz.

Round about the time Marty is cracking open his tenth beer, Valley Tech gets on the board and we watch a relay throw coming in from the outfield. Yawn. Is there any of that pie left?

Scott Kempner of The Dictators and The Del Lords, take it away:

A Little Too Eager with the Swordfights, Methinks

A line that did not bear repeating gets repeated. At least it gives Zane a chance to practice Mimi’s ventriloquism trick. Time to pull out that old Rowan Atkinson decking Colin Firth clip again.

I’m as dumbfounded as many of you as to why the Library Board seat decision was not made soon after, if not immediately after, Zane and Abel had their little debate. In any event, a coffee bar has yet to pop up in the Milford Public Library though bringing one’s own coffee in and drinking it there is A-OK by the library staff.

On to the halls of Milford High before the Valley Tech game (which, we can only hope, is the season finale) and Gildeaux can’t help but notice Zanes’ postcoital flush rosy glow. Looking Chipper? I thought Zane was a pitcher/outfielder, not a third baseman.

EXPN

Thankfully this storyline is winding down (OMG what if it isnt and we’re stuck with these bozos all summer?) and like it or not, Corinna is headed to Oh My God College for 2 years, then transferring to Le Moyne where she will have roomates that need roomates. How Mimi knows all this is beyond belief.

Really, did Mimi discuss CC’s plans for the future with her, or is it all about playing softball? There’s more to going to college then athletics, and most of these kids will wind up doing something other then sports when all is said and done. There are a LOT of terrific schools; again, this stuff all should have been done at least a year ago, Everyone isnt the college type. My class had 80% go to college in some capacity, but that leaves 20 percent who didnt, and its gotta come from within in regards to ones future, and parents can be a good guiding force, but what we have here is like signing up your kid for summer camp when they dont want to go, in hopes they will learn to like it once theyre there. College is way more then that. Its main purpose is to build a foundation for the career of ones choice. Plus of course going away to school is invaluable to growing up into adulthood. I recommend going away to college for at least 2 years to everyone if they have the means; the experience for me was so dramatic everyone said what a different person I was when I came home. You learn so many life skills like money management, time management, housekeeping, eating and sleeping properly, all on your own. Nobody tells you to go to class when youre in college. Its all up to you; and life afterward for many is shaped by how they handled all these things in college. Many jobs are very competitive and the good ones require a resume starting with a college degree. Even for those who fail to graduate, the life experiences gained are worth way more then the paper a diploma is printed on.

And CC has to decide what she wants to do, because you can only play softball so long (and all the other sports). Eventually the fun ends and you need to earn a living somewhere doing something.

What we Have gathered is her mom has decided that she can fend for herself without CC. Thats fine and dandy, but why spring all this on CC after she made it clear she didnt want to go? And another thing– once she’s 18, its her call on this stuff and everything else. I doubt we have time left in this storyline to explain how Mimi and her mom enrolled CC in college without her permission, but I wanna see how this turns out before CC disappears into the comic strip black hole along with the rest of the ex-players.

Paul Mooney Might Have Appreciated It

The world of comedy lost a pointed social critic last month with the passing of Paul Mooney at the age of 79. Younger TWIMers probably know Mooney from his roles on Chapelle’s Show, but the old heads will remember him for his collaborations with Richard Pryor. Pryor gave Mooney his first break in comedy by offering Mooney a job as a writer while Mooney was working as a circus ringmaster. Mooney would go on to write material for Pryor’s standup routines, much of which ended up on several of Pryor’s live albums that were big sellers during the ’70s.

During the 1975 television season, a new live sketch comedy show, Saturday Night, was flagging in the ratings and needed a boost. Producer Lorne Michaels thought Pryor was just the man to do it and approached him to guest-host an episode of the show. Pryor agreed but only if certain demands were met, including having Gil Scott-Heron as the musical guest and that he bring his own writer – Paul Mooney – to write his sketches. The story, possibly apocryphal, that Chevy Chase approached Mooney to write him into a sketch with Pryor who, also possibly apocryphal, didn’t care much for Chase, led to the infamous “Word Association” sketch that put SNL on the map and created the seven-second delay.

By all appearances the Milford Library Board panel interview has the look of sliding into a similar word association game. I leave it to you gentle readers to offer your own word associations, none of which I hope will be as controversial and potentially offensive as the one Paul Mooney wrote for Richard Pryor and Chevy Chase.

A couple of minor points of observation:

a. When would a high school student ever have the need to do a user survey?

2. Who said anything about a bookmobile? Is Abel looking for something else to fill his ample free time besides complain about the library budget?

iii. How is the goateed Library Board member holding his vape pen, exactly? His thumb doesn’t extend out far enough to support it from behind.

This links to the only clip I could find of Gil Scott-Heron from that SNL appearance. I used to be able to drop clips into posts, but apparently I now have to “upgrade [my] plan to use this premium block.” We here at TWIM will have to figure out if we can afford such luxury. It might even cost as much as a computer at a public library.