This Week in Milford

January 27, 2023

Gil, would that be your starting pitcher?

Lots to get to as usual so lets get it on….this strip is resembling water in a toilet bowl swirling down after a flush…lets count all the mistakes shall we?

P1- I know of no basketball announcer who uses full names during the action. Especially a name like that! And whats the big ass deal about 6 rebounds?? Get to 20 and then we’re talking.. and the ceiling looks to be a foot above the rim… the ball could almost be stuck on the beam just above Atazhoons hands. The defender should have his hands up and his eyes open. Error total : 5

P2 – Nice to applaud your team after a win but isnt that the fans job?? Are the coaches watching the game or coaching it? Fellas are older people, not high school kids… and the winning score should be listed on top in a strip; this isnt a TV broadcast where the home team is shown on the bottom. Gil also looks like he’s attending a wedding, not coaching a basketball game. That suit looks like it came from Just For Men. Error total: 3

P3 – Yes Gil I know its a play on words, but geez, you just had a blind person on your fucking baseball team last year and you decided he could safely pitch. Hope he wasnt in earshot of that remark. And YOU DONT GIVE OUT GAME BALLS IN BASKETBALL. I HOPE YOU’RE IN EARSHOT OF THAT, DOPE! At least Leo was humble enough to admit he wasnt the whole reason they won. Good boy. Error total: 2

That makes a grand total of 9 errors in one 3-panel strip. If that wasnt a shitfest one doesnt exist.

Our song today is by someone who fits what Gil was referring to.

January 20, 2023

Falling further off the tracks

We switch from a non-Milford hoops contest to.. teens hanging out like they do in real life. I dunno, maybe Im selling todays kids short, but I must confess I didnt hang out like this when I was in high school. Most days after school I would get home, either by foot or by car, and after putting my books down in my room, I would head outside to shoot hoops in my driveway for a while, when my friend who lived 2 doors down came over we’d play one on one or shoot free throws, or otherwise I would head downstairs to the basement and play video games. Then maybe some TV shows either back upstairs in my room (I got a black and white TV for my confirmation in 7th grade, still remember watching Bucky Dents home run on it) or on the big TV in the basement after video games. Of course my friend would join me for the video games too, or we’d head over to his house to do similar stuff, or play chess or backgammon on the picnic table. Or Id go bike riding if it was nice out, and depending on the time of year, after dinner if it was still daylight I might do a little chipping in the front yard, using the lamppost in the middle of the lawn as my target, and going around the yard for various shot lengths etc. Or sometimes we’d do a little yardwork before dark or cut the grass if it needed it, although most grass cutting was done on Saturdays, like normal people did. I would generally do my homework after dinner, and quit in time for Monday Night Football or some other program I liked, (another show I really liked was Thats Incredible, which was on before MNF and I would stop my work to watch it, then go back to it if not finished, then catch what I could of the football game)

1 year me and dad joined a nearby gym and we got some weights at home and he would lift with me after he got home from work. I put on about 25 pounds in a year and decided to quit the weightlifting as it also entailed drinking this milkshake with bananas in it. No thanks. I just ate more instead. No more gyms after that year, save for a brief stint practicing for an indoor triathlon using the pool at another local gym.

So that was my after- high- school life. Plenty else to do besides what these characters are doing. I never smoked or did what these kids are doing, sitting on the ground against a building and getting offers to vape. Of course vaping is something new entirely and what I know about it, Im not interested. Sounds just as bad as smoking, although the flavors sound better.

Dont know why in P3 the 2 vape guys are walking away as theyre talking.. if its really free just let Sue have it if her hand is out.

Guess ol Henry has to show off his knowledge of vaping for us. Maybe tomorrow we’ll be back in Scottsdale for another golf lesson.

Finally, RIP David Crosby. I wasnt aware he started with the Byrds, and I believe if he stayed with them they’d be one of the alltime great bands instead of just another 60’s group with a funny name. He was an immense talent who made everyone around him better, and his incredible voice will be missed. Here’s a song performed 29 days after I was born:

…….And another on for good measure- he was so youthful you dont recognize him.

January 18, 2023

You Can Call Him “GilPa” But You Doesn’t Have to Call Him “Gil Exotic.”

Times are tough in Milford. Unspecified budget cuts have had some kind of unspecified effect on Mudlark sports. Kids are being forced to sell cheap substandard chocolate in front of grocery stores. Now Gil himself has stooped to debasing himself in, of all things, a spot for a used car dealer. Not just any used car dealer, mind you, but one whose appearance is explicitly based on Joe Exotic a/k/a The Tiger King. If Joe wasn’t behind bars I’d expect him to come after the Chief for appropriating his likeness.

Of course, GilPa* might not be doing this for the Mudlarks. Mimi’s little jaunt to Scottsdale hasn’t paid for itself yet! The fact that she’s been able to take it may imply that it was her job – and Milford girls’ hoops – that were the victims of the unspecified budget cuts. Then again, GilPa might need to pay a retainer to a divorce lawyer. He could be doing ads for the Foley Law Group before it’s all done. Maybe he could call in a favor from Hadley V. Baxendale.

*Gentle readers, never let it be said that your input falls on deaf ears. Today Gil refers to himself by a nickname used here and in just about every other Gil Thorp comments section known to man. (Me, I’m holding out for “Kaiser Gilhelm.”)

January 9, 2023

We Don’t Need No Water!

Filed under: Bonfire!, freak hands, hideous scar faces — nedryerson @ 7:03 am

Despite the fact that all the clothing colors have been changed, I’m actually able to keep all the people straight as we pick up where Saturday’s strip left off. We’ve got Rod, who is Tobe’s friend who, like Tobe, wants to avenge Milford’s loss to Valley Tech in football via basketball.

The hiccupping, drinking kid is Darius. I guess that’s Darius Simmons who we saw as a senior getting his shot blocked by a junior (or was he the junior doing the blocking. This is unclear.) But Darius is among “The Rookies”. There was a TV series about freshly minted cops called The Rookies back when I was little. Shout out to them, wherever they are. Is Darius, junior or senior, truly a rookie? Is he also among the wave of new recruits looking to settle a score with Valley Tech? It’s a shame none of this talent stepped up before.

Rod is concerned about these rookies getting their drink on and sullying the squeaky-clean tradition of bonfires. Everyone knows that bonfires are for making s’mores. Giant towers of flame are always surrounded by people roasting marshmallows. Rod needs to get Tobias, Manbun and Other Scarface out of there before there’s trouble with the law, the school or the integrity of the s’mores. Rod needs Tobe to help with this mission, but Tobe is already in S’mores Mode and everybody knows that Dorothy will not be denied her s’mores.

I came back to add something that escaped me while doing my typically rushed early morning post. The recent film, The Menu has a particularly incendiary take on s’mores. Deranged chef (basically named Chef), played chillingly by Ralph Fiennes has this to say about s’mores:

…the s’more, the most offensive assault on the human palate ever contrived,
unethically sourced chocolate and gelatinized sugar water imprisoned by industrial grade graham crackers. It’s everything wrong with us and yet we associate it with innocence, with childhood, Mom and Dad, but what transforms this fucking monstrosity is fire, the purifying flame. It nourishes us, warms us, reinvents us, forges and destroys us…

Okay, so maybe I thought I knew what was going on but nobody ever really knows. Let’s just hope everyone gets home safely.

I don’t remember much about The Rookies, but it had a classic 70’s theme song with some infectious wah wah guitar, and a few recognizable faces.

January 4, 2023

Marty can’t tell front from behind. Should we worry?

The Mudlark boys’ basketball opener is under way and, as it’s a non-conference game, it falls upon us to try to figure out where it’s happening. Judging from their bird mascot and that Forest View is two words, not one, I’m venturing a guess that this is the no longer extant Forest View in the Chicagoland region. It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve seen a shout-out* to a defunct high school, though I’m not gonna comb the archives to find the example (it was a Detroit-area school IIRC).

Marty’s looking a little thicker around the middle and in the hand, which must be a side effect of his continued sobriety. Milford was shown yesterday in its road black-and-reds, so why is Forest View wearing what looks like the old “Block M” jerseys Michigan trots out from time to time (and which Milford also wore BITD)? Bigger question: where is this behind-the-back pass Marty’s calling happening, in his mind? Why is Marty continuing to call out uni numbers for the Mudlarks? Is the game being simulcast on TV2 and WBIG radio?

All that aside, how ’bout this NBA-style halftime score! Have both of these teams broken out the run-and-gun or forgotten how to play defense? At the risk of repeating myself, I appreciate Barajas incorporating the trans kid into the strip fairly seamlessly, with virtually no reaction from anyone in Milford, but making the kid magically become a star athlete on every sports team he goes out for strains credulity just a little bit. Can’t wait until baseball season when he breaks Joe Sharkey’s and Kevin Pelwecki’s long-ball records.

*I’m not sure if Mudlark big man Darius Simmons is also a shout-out to a friend, Rubin-style, but sadly the first hit I get when searching for him is a 13-year-old kid who was murdered in front of his mother in Milwaukee about a decade ago. There’s also a Darius Simmons playing football at McGill, where he could be a teammate of Chance Macy’s.

December 28, 2022

Arf!

This strip will make sense tomorrow

Because I keep thinking that tomorrow

I’ll catch on!

Another plot thread tomorrow

Ties up all the loose ends and confusion

‘Til there’s none!

When I can’t figure out

Who’s who, and what’s what,

I just grasp at a straw,

And post, and say,

Oh!

This strip’ll make sense tomorrow

When I read the comments on GoComics

Then I’ll cry

Tomorrow!

Tomorrow!

I’ll get it!

Tomorrow!

‘Cause Henry

Will tell us why!

December 21, 2022

A Hot Spit Take

As promised, my jet-lagged and sleep-deprived self is here with today’s post and it’s gonna be blunt.

While Valley Tech players dance around like Matisse’s Icarus, Gil offers Luke a congratulatory handshake and gets a neck full of spittle in return. Not only does Martinez still carry a misdirected 35-year grudge, he also suffers from Napoleon syndrome and delusions of grandeur. Squeaking out a one-point win because you stopped your opponent’s two-point conversion attempt hardly qualifies as an embarrassment. There were no stakes attached to the golf game and no one listens to Marty’s podcast. People can only be embarrassed if they choose to be, and Gil clearly has not chosen to be.

Enough of this chode. He should get what’s coming to him eventually. Enough of the Tuesday morning quarterbacking, too. Gil gambled and the gamble didn’t pay off. It happens. I still think there should be some explanation for why Milford decided to go for two and not try to force overtime with an established kicker (maybe two, if we count Hooper and if the scores that are neat multiples of seven are any indication), but I’m not holding my breath. A few days on the domestic front and a Saturday Christmas Eve strip (surprised no Hanukkah strip with Kaz and his new squeeze) and we should pivot to basketball.

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to take a look at the inside of my eyelids. Happy Solstice. teenchy out.

December 17, 2022

A Leap of Faith Is What We Need to Read Gil Thorp These Days

Well, at least someone’s been kicking extra points since my last Saturday post. But not now.

Barajas Thorp must’ve gotten the note from the syndicate that football season has to END. THIS. WEEK. and concluded that going to OT was verboten. That, or he watched the Chargers beat the Cardinals with this balls move a couple of weeks ago, channeled his inner Brandon Staley and grown a pair of his own. I know what you’re thinking and no, I’m not hitching that train of thought to a caboose.

In fact, the only way to read this strip is to suspend all disbelief, lay down all thoughts, surrender to the void… the void in which the teams are playing. Pay no mind that the clock isn’t supposed to run during extra point attempts, that the center snapped the ball with enough force to change the quarterback’s skin tone and knock his helmet sideways, that the quarterback took six seconds to hand the ball off to the running back (probably because he had to look through his ear hole), or that the running back took nine seconds to leap over the VT D-line (a D-line that is just laying down for the running back because the Milford O-line is nowhere to be seen). Don’t even think about VT getting the ball back with enough time to move down the field and score, ’cause we don’t even know if Tobias will land on the ground in 15 seconds. “Math class is tough. Want to go shopping?”

Let’s hope that the game ends with Monday’s strip and the rest of this coming week wraps up the football season. Let’s also hope Barajas has spent more time learning the rules of basketball than he has learning the rules of football. Finally, let’s hope Whigham remembers how to make the artwork match the narration. All of this hope is going to require a leap of… well, you know.

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