Hey, I Say, Hey, There’s No 360 Windmill Jams When I’m Makin’ A Funny

…and 99 other pithy maxims I said when I was on the basketball team that I will tell my grandkids and collect to publish a book. Surely there’s a market for “Inane Commentary to Stall the Plot That I Think Is Funny and Will Be Referenced By The After-Dinner Speaker at the Monthly Milford Kiwanis Club Meeting”. Just stick it next to the Wall Street Journal at Borders and VOILA, instant New York Times Bestseller.

“Get off your butt, Marcell, you wussy. And did you hear the one about the traveling salesman and the point guard on their way to the game?” Six figure sales on that daddy of a witticism.

 

 

Shout-out to Stanley Clark of Louisville, Kentucky. He fights for his life EVERY DAY and winds up winning in resounding fashion. He goes to his rehab clinic with his best face forward and has chosen to Do The Right Thing as a result. He is hoping to walk one day and if he keeps working his butt off at the clinic and gets out and about in general, I have no doubt in my mind that that dream will be a reality. Rootin’ for ya, Big Guy. You got my blessing and my respect to press on. I believe you will.

 

Gang, I don’t know aboutchoo but the basketball plot is already a flat tire. Hoo boy, does this mangled Michelin need a visit to the Milford Men’s Clinic to pump things up, errrrrrr, never mind.

So far, all we have seen are Mudlarks in their gym clothes practically playing Cooties with each other, one Mudlark in his night gown because he forgot his gym bag, and basketballs. THE COACHES HAVEN’T EVEN SHOWN UP!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE ARE THEY?????????? I follow a lot of college basketball and I have a ton of respect for University of Kentucky Men’s Basketball and their fans and one of the reasons is Midnight Madness is a HUGE deal and you’ll see guys practicing basketball at GOALS and the scoreboard is THERE and RUNNING and there will be REFEREES there to call the game, the players and the referees will not be acting like the kids on Romper Room like we’ve seen in the Mudlark Fellowship Hall, scratch that, Gym. And you can damn well be sure the coaches will not be negotiating the rapids at Mudlark Falls with Marty and Peaches in the Milford Nature Area. There’s a word for that. COACHING.

Gil, truncate this tomfoolery we’ve witnessed the last few days in the playground you call a gymnasium or hand in your whistle.

The consolation prize is that TA-DAAAAAAAAAAAA, WE NOW HAVE COURT DIMENSIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!! But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I said we have lines on the basketball court, I didn’t say they were legal, accurate, or even fit to line up and chalk down like the Milford Playground Courts. In fact, the Mudlarks may as well play there because I am totally confused on the dimensions in P3. I thought at first the arcs formed part of the jump circle but unless we are expecting King Kong and Godzilla at tip-off, really no way we should justify that appellation and maintain a straight face. Look, I wouldn’t want to be the one throwing the ball in the air. I’d be crushed by Godzilla when he’s tapping it to a teammate for an easy 2.

Soooooooooooooo, is that part of the 3-point arc? Maybe. Big maybe. Trouble is they are circling around and for all intents and purposes intersecting each other. Also, the arcs are facing AWAY from their respective buckets so unless you’re Curly Neal and you plan on keeping sharp with the Globetrotters with your 47-foot heaves, it’s best to shelve THAT notion and pretend the soccer team uses the court when the basketball team isn’t playing or practicing.

Actually, the b-ball team is just doing a bad imitation of Joey Bishop so expect DC United and the Mudlark soccer team any minute for their annual exhibition match.

“GOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lionel Messi has put Italy up, 1-0, over Uruguay as the match has reached the 63 minute-”

“Filion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Give me 50 on the ground. If you don’t want to do the rebound drill, hit the showers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

And for the life of me, I am trying to figure out the line which I will assume for the moment ( I said for the moment) surrounding the, for lack of a better word, jump circle. If that line is running east-west (using your compass included in the Go Comics travel kit) , where is that other Line going beyond the, crossing my fingers, out-of-bounds line???????? Is that Yellow Brick Road leading to Oz? I guess we’ll know after Filion is done with his poor excuse for stand-up when Dorothy, the Scarecrow and the Cowardly Lion appear on the court. Really no way the Tin Man could be taking a shower after playing one of those “O-WEE-O” monkeys on the racquetball courts. Must be wiping his butt with his oil can in one of the stalls.

And I PRAY that same line is not north-south unless that line is the half-court line. Otherwise, the gym displays a very short stage for Filion’s “Bert and Ernie” material. We’ll probably never know because nobody’s playing ANY basketball, including Mike “Take my wife, please” Filion.

And WHERE IS Coach Thorp? In his office listening to The Clash’s “Rock the Casbah”? If I see an armadillo running across one of those Etch-a-Sketch lines, I’ll have my answer.

 

Unclear as to why we need models on the back of a Healthy Choice Smoked Turkey Breast, replete with mashed potatoes and refried okra other than for image and image sells (which I understand) , but willing to run with it

“Try our Milford Slaughter House’s Finest Whole Hog Sausage, now in Hot and also Mild. Whether you’re ordering a sausage biscuit off the dollar menu in The Bucket drive-thru or you’re planning a Baptist Men’s Breakfast at Milford Baptist Church, Milford Slaughter House’s Finest is your sausage of choice.”

Cut to Marty moon on the back of a package posing in his Armani Double-Knit suit and Gucci Shoes (The Sopranos couldn’t be prouder, observing their sartorial personality on display in a pig sty) with a 5-ton Yorkshire. Only John Lennon did it better with his porker on his album. Image is everything, Folks.

“Marty, where the Hell you been? You got mud all over you!!!!!!!!!”

“Just doing a little modeling and earning some extra cash.”

“Well, thank God you’re in the studio reading the Milford Community Calendar. They won’t see you.”

 

Big shout-out to Mike Flanders of Middletown, Kentucky. Though essentially confined to a wheelchair, you would never know it by his hilarious sense of humor. The dude had  me rollin’ the entire time I was with him (“That’s not my cane, that’s my Abel” GOOD ONE, Big Guy) . And he is very close to his cats, Wilson and Nemo. The latter was called that after the cat ran away for a while, Mike getting Wilson in the interim, BUT Nemo returning, earning the name. Mike, you got it, My Man. I admire his courage and humor which gives us all hope that you just never give up as he can attest and confirm. Got my respect, Mike.

 

I normally try to work across the panels (i.e., start with P1) , but P3 was just full of leaving-themselves-wide-open chutzpah that I had to crucify that first.

But make no mistake, P1 and P2 are hanging high and dry as well. Why do we have to include a member of SPECTRE who is threatening to take over Milford??????? Is 007 in New Thayer chasing down those hoods? And I guess if you take over Milford with shrewd advertising and H-bombs (Y’know, the ones stored in a closet somewhere in Dr. No’s or Goldfinger’s cave) , you’ll take over the world. What strategy. Really, Hitler should have taken a detour to Mudlarkland before he reached Sudetenland. Would have saved him a lot of trouble plus the world would have been served on a platter for him. Napoleon? Why go through that enormous expanse called Russia when Milford was on the way? He might have avoided Waterloo.

So as this part of the plot unfolds (ready to hold my nose) , it should be interesting if Dr. No’s second cousin twice-removed is able to conquer the globe, separating the wheat from the chaff, champs from the chumps in the bargain. Gil, you are nothing but a stupid high school basketball coach whose luck has run out.

Oh brother, Dr. No, we’ve been onto that for 60 years. Tell us something we don’t know.

 

Day 9

Peaches narrowly avoids a zebra in estrus while she is foraging for mulberries which are reputedly in abundance on the Chisholm Trail which ran straight through the area before they made this Milford Nature Area. There are traces of cattle drives but Peaches is in no mood to chew on a longhorn skull in her birthday suit no matter how desperate she is for food. She can wait until the next mulberry bush. Spotting a baby giraffe, she may have hit paydirt. Since Giraffes are by nature herbivores, you won’t catch too many in the parking lot at Outback Steak House. She waits until the mini-speciman has had its fill, then retrieves her KFC Fill-Up  Bucket and piles it in the container. It’s a shame that Milford Bakery Outlet is nowhere near or she could chow down on mulberry shortcake and whipped cream. Well, this is the outdoors, you understand.

Marty, meanwhile, is a little delirious, not surprising if you have confronted Mother Nature face-to-face for several days. He staggers along the woods, desperate for any hope.

And it’s 50 feet in front of him. An old house, perhaps owned by the man overtaken by Frogs(Is the record player still playing? I swear, that bullfrog CRUSHED that Petula Clark record he was spinning), Marty joyously walks up the stairs into the house.

He finds the living room. It’s dark but there’s a La-Z-Boy recliner with his name on it. He plops down, careful not to get his butt stains all over the serge fabric. Man, that stuff don’t come off in the wild. He lays down one of his Hanes towels. That 100% cotton’ll steer those butt marks clear over into the next Nature episode. He lies down and takes a much-needed cat-nap. After realizing that his dream of Gil at Golgotha was over, he gets up and heads to the kitchen. He manages to locate the refrigerator, surprisingly still functioning. Unless squirrels are storing acorns in the Fresh box or raccoons are using the tap water, Marty finds no condiments of any kind, freezer included. Then he notices a Post-it note on the fridge door as he shuts it.

“I killed Coach Shaw.”

Marty, a bit unnerved, heads to the other parts of the house. He notices a sculpture of a Mudlark in one of the bedrooms and is intrigued by the objet d’art. He notices a tag on it. Unable to read it, Marty gets out his flashlight and shines a light on the writing.

“This Milford Mudlark was created by the Blair Witch Project.”

In a moment, we’ll see if Marty goes the chickenshit route and runs out the service entrance of the Milford Nature Area or if he opts to stick around and watch the satanic cult sacrifice an oranguatang in the den while ESPN Sportscenter is on, both for the glory of Lucifer.

 

“Hi, this is Coach Gil Thorp. Boy, what a pickle Marty got into. I dunno, I was desperate but I wouldn’t want any members of the Blair Witches kicking for me, not even Sabrina’s witches, so I’d be running more than the 50-yard dash outta that place. But what’s scarier is when your sex life is on the rocks and you can’t get Samantha Stephens to wiggle her lips to get you erect. Why call Darrin Stephens and enlist the aid of his wife when Nirvana is simply a visit to the Milford Mall away? That’s right, there are no magic wands, no magic potion like the stepmother gave Cinderella, no antidote for the vapor lock on your significant other that Dr. Bombay could hope to prescribe. The Prince will not be at The Clinic to arouse Cinderella or anything else in the office.

What you WILL get is expert advice and top-notch medications designed to enhance your manliness including a 12-unit supply of pleasure shots, free and easy to use, just put that needle right on your pecker and it’s as if you are receiving oral, well, you men know what I’m taking about.  And if you were a kid, you enjoyed the Balloon Man filling up those balloons at the carnival. Think of yourself as the Balloon Man, filling up your own balloons. Trust me, I am not waiting for my wife to kiss my significant other and wake it up after being dead a thousand years. She can be Prince Charming in bed, not at The Clinic.

Come to the Milford Men’s Clinic today and start your own fairy tale. Just because Endora changed your significant other into a celery stalk doesn’t mean The Milford Men’s Clinic doesn’t have magic of its own to enhance your sex life. Experience the pleasure today. And send the Wicked Witch of the West back to the slums of Oz.”

 

All right gang, it’s your turn. You got the floor and anything you say can and will be held against you in a Court of Law-

SHAREEF, HE DON’T LIKE IT

BOOM BAH DEE BOOM BOOM

ROCK THE CASBAH

ROCK THE CASBAH

“Kaz, dammit, did you open the cage again?????????”

“Well, you wanted me to feed him Ken’l Ration Healthy Choices for a Fine Coat. Did you want me to dump the can on top of the cage?????????”

 

“My name’s Bond. James Bond.”

“Look, shitface, we don’t care if your name is SpongeBob SquarePants, you’re a prick and we’re gonna kick your ass and egg your Aston Martin DB5. C’mon, dudes, let’s waste this asshole.”

BLAM!!!!!!!! BLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! BLAMBLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BLAMMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As the Duane Eddy guitar is playing, we hear a voice all over New Thayer

BOND IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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In Milford, Some of Us All Look Alike

Wow, feels nice to free myself from the constraints of the haiku form.  Wish I had more to say today.  Bet it would feel nice for Whigham to free himself from the constraints of using the same facial features and hairstyles for all of his Mudlarks.  Let’s take a closer look at that first panel, shall we?

Do these two not have identical noses?  I leave it to you, gentle readers, to draw your own conclusions.  Guessing Marcell doesn’t use his first name, Duwan.

I reckon after multiple seasons Rubin has decided to imbue Man of a Thousand Faces and Hairstyles “Marginal” Mike Filion with a personality and backstory.  He’s been quiet ever since we’ve been introduced to him, speaking only when spoken to by Gil or Kaz.  But Neal needs another extroverted look-at-me guy to make his plots go, so Filion it is.

Meanwhile Bobby Howry plots his revenge via billboard…

Fist Bumps At The IMAX, Anyone?

Everybody’s high-fivin’ and singing at the top of their lungs, Queen’s “We Are The Champions”. They were previously foot-stompin’ Queen’s prelude “We Will Rock You”. Yes, the blood, sweat, and tears that one must expend to ensure victory at the Milford Bijou…wait a minute, did you think I was talking about Milford’s games with Tilden and Valley? Sure, they haven’t played them yet, but I’m like Zig Ziglar and his “See You at the Top” positive-thinking literature, you gotta see the reaching. And I’m seeing it now as the football players have reached Nirvana after another successful night at the theater, the movie being sold out. Victory is assured and in this case is already in the bag. Yeah, yeah, it wasn’t an Academy Award production, “Gil’s Football Plot Gets Buried Alive at Macchu Pichu on The Planet of the Apes”, but the Milford Nature Center was closed(unless you’ve been to Milford Community College and taken “Nocturnal Hiking 202”, taught by Marjie Ducey) and the football players were too old for the playground plus the team drew a bye for the week due to Plot Constipation and they had to go SOMEWHERE. Plus, doesn’t Kaz look macho in an ape outfit, fighting Aldo for who’s going to be running the  freshman football team until they dig out Coach Shaw out of the ruins?

 

“I will go to Caesar and he will decide who’s fit to coach!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

If ya plow yore 4-wheel drive thru tha gate at the Milford IMAX Drive-In Theater cuz they’z handin’ out free Buds and Mick-ee-Lobes and ya want a front row spot cuz ya heard “Dukes of Hazzard: The Movie” wuz playin’ and yore dyin’ ta see Boss Hogg bendin’ over ta give a ticket and his crack bein’ displayed in 3-D and in Panaromic 360 Wide Screen, ya might be a redneck.

 

 

Coach Kaz, AGAIN, a pop quiz (or surprise quiz as you like to call it, the other 99.9999999% of the teachers whoever existed call it a POP QUIZ) is one you’re NOT EXPECTING. Okay, if you can’t stand to catch them off-guard because your Billy Graham-inspired sermon you listened to compelled you to warn them (“Why send a poor defenseless student to perdition if they weren’t warned to memorize The Bill of Rights? Remember, your World Geography students perish for lack of knowledge.”) , fine by me. But tell them a quiz is coming and leave it at that. We’re having enough trouble sorting through the ashes that is this plot without having to experience the same semantical miasma the students must be facing. You can’t pop the question if the other person is expecting it. Sure, when Gil popped the question to Mimi, I’m sure she had a rough idea what he was going to ask. Still, Gil could have asked “Mimi, do you know if the Milford Garbage truck schedule has been changed? I have a whole lot of bags of aluminum cans in the basement to get rid of.” Rest my case.

 

A HUGE shout-out to Bridgett Fowler of Louisville, Kentucky for all her services as a manager at Family Dollar for many years. She gave great customer service and motivated her employees to do the same and the store kicked some booty as a result. She endured a couple of robberies, not to mention shoplifters(many of whom were caught and sent to Justice) and came out ahead. She is now raising her grandchild and doing a great job with that. He is going to school and doing VERY well. She has a lot to do with that. She’s earned a salute from me, gang. God Bless You, Bridgett.

 

 

Don’t look now, but Benita Butrell is headin’ to Milford. She’s in the teacher’s lounge at MHS.

“Did you know I saw Gil messin’ around with Ms. Rizk up in the Journalism room? He waits in the art supply room until Daffy Duck gets her assignment to Beirut or Djakarta or wherever and then he makes his move. Oh, the grunts that woman gives out. Sounds like Elsie the Cow in heat. Now I know why Elsie looks so happy on the Borden milk carton. But I’m not one to gossip so you didn’t hear it from me.”

Sorry, gang, just taking Kaz’s statement in P1 and using “In Living Color” sketches to run with it. I LOVE Keenan Ivory Wayans’ humor and found a place to express my love. Expect more of the same in the future.

 

Oooooooooooookkkkkkkk, gang, Gene Rayburn is steppin’ to the plate for another Match Game 2018 question. Here we goooooooo, take ‘er away, Gene.

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooo dumb (Brett Somers leads the crowd as conductor HOW DUMB WAS SHE?????????) , she thought the football plot was going to end before_______________”

 

And talk about a puzzle wrapped up in an enigma. And I thought I have seen it all in my millions of years following Coach T. What is P3 supposed to convey?????? That Thorpiverse knows how to draw like Frida Kahlo, using paint-by-numbers???????

You old-times remember the inaugural Night Gallery that had in its repertoire a Steven Spielberg episode called “Eyes”, about a rich baroness in the heart of New York City who is blind and desperately wants sight? Mr. Spielberg arguably started his success there after successfully directing Joan Crawford who reputedly could be difficult to direct. Anyway, there was another episode in the trilogy (the 3rd called “The Cemetery” with Roddy McDowell and Ossie Davis) called “The Escape Route” which was about an ex-Nazi hiding out in, I believe, Argentina, trying to avoid his Jewish captors. He frequents this art museum and spots this painting of this fisherman in a boat on a lake with beautiful mountains and scenery in the background. What’s scary is the fisherman bears an eerie resemblance to Josef Strobe (YO-sef STRO-buh, played by Richard Kiley) , the ex-Nazi’s name.

He tries day after day to will himself into the picture to get away from his pursuers, one night desperately begging to be a part of the landscape and actually succeeds. One problem. The painting was on loan so he winds up in this picture of someone getting crucified, the art officials investigating, since Strobe entered the museum after hours, hearing a soft scream of terror. They turn around where they think it is coming from and of course see Strobe in his horrible condition, trapped in a painting he will endure perhaps forever.

Why don’t we put Coach Kaz in that same painting since there’s no caption in P3 anyway? Why waste paper on an 8 x 10 in matte finish and leave it that when we can put some life into a dead fish? Staring at the cue light looking stupid? Hang on the cross, Kaz. Let’s FINALLY get some excitement if we’re gonna drag this plot in the Iditarod Race. Might take all the sled dogs in Alaska to pull this one through The Last Frontier.

 

“Please, Gil, GET ME IN THAT PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!”

“Kaz, I promise, we’re gonna do a retake of the 2014 team. I remember when you were on vacation in Papua New Guinea.”

 

 

Another HUGE shout-out to Carla Grant and her son, DeAndre and Anna Wooldridge.

Carla has raised DeAndre to be a healthy adult and did so with a vengeance. She has spent a lot of time with him and though DeAndre is confined to a wheelchair, Carla has expected people to treat him no better or worse than anyone else. They go shopping together, they do all kinds of activities together, they travel together, and I commend Carla for taking the time to make DeAndre a responsible person. Her strong faith In God inspired me among the many things I learned from her that day. I hope to see her again and learn some more. God Bless You, Carla and DeAndre.

Then Anna, you have decided to get busy living after you were in the hospital for a while and have decided to go back to work. You could have taken disability and been content but Wal-Mart is your official work station because you know God isn’t done with you yet. You have inspired me to Do The Right Thing by never giving up. And it’s paid off. You make America run, My Friend. Without you, the labor pool is a lot less. May God Bless You.

 

 

“We’re here in the Milford Nature Area where Marty Moon and Peaches have agreed to stay 21 days, butt naked, out in the wild. We will closely monitor the two as they come to grips with the wilds. They are venturing into the unknown that only people captured in flying saucers could witness and relate in the Milford Enquirer. Time will tell if they can survive the jungles of the MNA. Tarzan is not here to help them. God help them.”

This portion of the program has been brought to you by

Milford Beverage Warehouse. Stock up on your favorite liquors with Christmas coming around the corner. We have plenty to pass around with all your relatives coming into town. And for all your tee-totalers, we now have Dasani Bottled Water in aisle 12 in 12-packs, next to Dewars Scotch Label. Hey, everybody can have a good time and not worry about the egg nog getting spiked. And now accepting EBT cards. Welfare and food stamp recipients can experience The Good Life at Christmas also. Milford Beverage Warehouse, where alcohol is Grade A.”

And by

Milford Men’s Clinic. Where our charges are cheap but effective and require no battery cables. Nice to get up and go, especially in bed. Wives seem to think so. Come see why.

Day 1

“Marty and Peaches both undress at the trailhead of the Dutch Elm Tree Trail. Named after a gigantic elm tree that got devoured  by termites after SEVERAL people had carved their initials on the tree, there is a marker there to commemorate the specimen(“James Watt Memorial Sapling”).

Both are ready to take the wild. Marty has just taken his last Breath-Mint(doesn’t want to offend the wildebeests) and is ready for action. Peaches is nervous but still reasonably confident. The brontosauruses are reported to be munching on vegetation on the other side of the nature area and should pose no threat.

Marty and Peaches part company. They will be allowed to reunite after 10 days but for now they pursue different legs of the trail. As part of the agreement, they must spend at least 2 hours each day off the trails to intensify their contact with the elements unknown.

They are allowed 1 backpack with food taking up no more than 1/2 the space. A water bottle is allowed but can only be used to drink from the streams, ponds, lakes, etc. in the nature area. A flashlight is also allowed with an extra change of batteries but THAT IS IT. If the batteries fail, tough luck. Good thing Marty brought his Harbor Freight Tools pocket flashlight that he got at a yard sale which he uses when he’s having trouble reading the copy in the press box.”

Day 3

“Marty spots an alligator. He has run off the beaten path and this is the result. He eats his Nature’s Finest of Milford Granola Bar Blueberry in nervousness. Fortunately, the alligator, as is their wont, is lazy and can find better humans to chew on. Marty’s snake meat status arouses no interest in the gator. Marty will survive the swamp and run to safety by the old abandoned railroad track that the Milford & Oakwood Express operated during the Hoover years. He will sit on one of the railroad ties and devour another one of his 236 granola bars he has crammed  in his backpack, wedged in with his Mott’s Apple Juice Reduced Fat, satisfied that the gator will be chowing on an injured Mudlark that lost its way.

Peaches, meanwhile, is in a little cubby hole, a forest glen, if you will. She can see the moon beams spray down upon her, tempted to get a tan. Hey, the Coppertone ad may have shown Spot pulling on some poor little girl’s bikini and exposing her butt, BUT Peaches needs no dog out here to display her birthday suit. Besides, I think Alvin & the Chipmunks helper her undress before they ran back in the woods to escape the lions and the leopards. Can’t be too careful. Shame she forgot the lotion. She gets out her Pillsbury Brown ‘n’ Serve rolls that she is baking over a camp fire. She snuck the Black Diamond matches past the Nature security guard. She forgot the Blue Bonnet butter(left it in the front seat where it will melt on her Milford Mutual checkbook) and is forced to seek desperate measures. She milks a raccoon and instantaneously spreads the faux-Chiffon on her rolls. What a way to say it’s not nice to fool Mother Nature.”

 

“Christmas is right around the corner and before you know it, you’ll be caught off guard on December 25 with Christmas Dinner full of chicken n’ dumplings, turkey, plum pudding, Waldorf salad, roast beast, Yorkshire hams, green beans, apple cobbler, pumpkin pie, chocolate pie, fruit cake, plenty of dinner rolls but no beer.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp. When Mimi and I forgot to stock the cellar with alcoholic beverages one year, we practically had to call out the Milford National Guard to stem the riot. Fortunately, they had some beer, wine, and a few bottles of Jack behind the seats of their Humvees that they generously donated so that they could go back to the armory and celebrate once again. We dodged a bullet, pardon the pun. But it doesn’t have to be this way. At Milford Beverage Warehouse, they have a wide selection of Beer, ranging from Budweiser to Blatz to Lowenbrau to Gerst. There are so many more to name so you’ll have to check them out and avert your own disaster. Plus plenty of wine, especially from right here in our neck of the woods, Milford Valley. Golly gee, my lips just smack on Milford Valley  Prune Surprise and does it give me a run for my money. It’s Christmas and I’m not gonna let gastrointestinal infections rule the day. Plus plenty of Milford Vending Beer Nuts in case you run out of Planters in the appetizer bowl. And if you buy $100 worth of merchandise, you’ll receive a free gift card from Budweiser good for $25 on your next outing and it even has Spuds McKenzie designed on the card. Some things never get old.  Come surprise yourself and see what Milford Beverage Warehouse has to offer. Now accepting EBT cards. Marty won’t have to worry whether his ATM card will max out. He can enjoy The Good Life and still be a snake. You can too and you’re not a snake. You won’t be disappointed.”

Day 7

“Peaches concocts some Hot Cream o’ Wheat she crammed up her butt, the packets a bit uncomfortable when the mosquitos are buzzing. She couldn’t fit ’em in here backpack because of all her Avon products.

 

Marty has learned not to apply Skin Bracer (I can hear the crickets chirping “Byyyyyy Mennen”) in the outdoors. He is besieged by a fraternity of horseflies while he is foraging for water. He is maniacally swatting them with his Mr. Coffee Courtesy Cup he received by FedEx when he bought 10,000 Mr. Coffee filters. Some people will walk a mile for a Camel. Anyway, the horseflies spot a deer carcass and pursue henceforth.”

 

To be continued

 

Gang, comment away. I am going to try to deprogram Gil. After hearing the 23rd Milford Men’s Clinic commercial while listening to WDIG Sports Talk Radio (“Moon in the Morning”) , Gil is in a trance.

Mimi is ready for the Romantic Moment on the verandah

“Gil, I love you. How long have we been married? 33 years? How long had we been seeing each other? Since Nixon’s 1st term in office? Or was it LBJ, give or take Alf Landon?”

HAAAAAAAARRRRRRREEEEEEEE KRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIISSSSHHHHHHNNNNNAAAAAAAA,

HAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE KKKRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIISSSSSHHHHHHNNNNNAAAAAA, HAAAAAAA…

 

“Y’know, I saw Joe Bolek in the film room beatin’ off on the IMAX screen. he was really feelin’ ecstasy, especially after he was gettin’ his jollies off those nude photos of Daffy Duck and Dr. Pearl. But I ain’t one to gossip, so ya didn’t hear it from me.”

 

Love ya, Benita.

 

 

My Sweet Lord

Vishnu Lama

My Sweet Lord

Shiva Dharma

 

Kaz walks into Gil’s office

“Gil, have you been listening to Marty again? I turned it off after what he said about Coach Shaw’s wife’s lack of athleticism.”

“Raid At Entebbe” This Is Not

Gang, as our other TWIM writers and contributors have mentioned, this is getting damn silly.

I am watching “The A Team” one random night where Martians land and capture the President’s daughter demanding $100,000,000,000,000,000,000 in ransom to finance their own Cape Canaveral so that they can get another $100,000,000,000,000,000,000 to finance another space station for some creep like Ernst Stavro Blofeld or Dr. Goodhead(James Bond taking a much-needed vacation), etc., and the A Team swears that “surrender” is not in their vocabulary. You’re all psyched up, knowing they’re going to kick some Martian hind end, after the commercial break on Jif and Cadillac Seville of course, and after you hear “This is WDIG-TV”, you FINALLY know that Mr.T is going to do a number on some Martian’s head.

Well, if the show started at 7:00PM and it’s 7:53 and ALL the commercials have been run through(How many ways can you advertise Lean Cuisine, sheesh), you KNOW we’re due for some ass-kickin’. It might be crammed into 7 minutes but it’s been done before(as “Batman” proves-7 minutes of WHAM!!!!!!!! SOCKO!!!!!!!! KAPOW!!!!!!!!!!! RETCH!!!!!!!!!!!-“Well done, Robin, we’ll be sending The Joker up the river where he belongs-whoopsy, daisy, old chum, our times up, we better make way for ‘The Flintstones'”).

So now as Apollo XLVII lands on Mars and heads to their hide-out, somewhere out where the Loch Ness Monster inhabits a lake, we’re expecting camouflage make-up, Uzi’s grenades, handguns, shotguns(“Shoot a Martian for love now”-I can hear Junior Walker sing), tear gas, Mr. T pumping his fist, waiting to grab a Martian by the hair and apply the Sleeper Hold, AK-47’s, not to mention a Humvee which crams in 12,354 commandos, U.N. Peacekeeping troops included, even John Glenn and Gus Grissom, ambassadors for U.S. Space Travel, chime in with their Winchesters, diplomacy hittin’ the road on this one.

But at 7:57, reality sinks in. Mr. T. has a Nikon, Grissom and Glenn shoot their Polaroid at a Martian and the President’s daughter playing one-on-one basketball on some Martian clay court somewhere, while the rest of the A Team shoot their video recorders for a National Geographic Special in the near future. Geez, look at that Martian with that Ibo tribeswoman, both of them displaying their boobs as typifies many National Geographic articles and pictures. And get a load of that Martian trying to hog-tie that white rhino at the rodeo. Martians are cowboys too, I s’pose. And I didn’t know Martians live in Tipis. Talk about Dances With Wolves.

At 8:00, when “Rhoda” comes on, we are left devoid of any action and go to the Milford Video Connection and rent 10 “Rambo” movies. What happens when your fix has not been satisfied. When we gotta resort to “Rambo Raids Gil’s Refrigerator”, we are desperate.

“Don’t point the camera that way, FOOL!!!!!!!! That’s his butt you’re shootin’!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

Come to Mike Smith Firestone in New Albany, Indiana where you ALWAYS get taken care of and at a fair price. Smack dab in Downtown New Albany, he has always done a great job for me and my dad as we do a lot of traveling in our business and good tires are a premium. Mike always comes through and we can keep our business running thanks to Mike and his staff. His mechanics have always treated us right and many times the problem is fixed the same day. I’m bettin’ other customers can say the same. Gang, if you’re in the neighborhood, check him out. Treat your vehicle to the best. Mike Smith is da Man.

 

Then come up the hill to Mike’s brother at Jeff Smith Marathon in Edwardsville, Indiana. I get all my gas there and they have full-time mechanics ready to fix any problem at any time. What I like is the parking lot is full of vehicles ready to be worked on. THAT’S busy. They’re doing something right. And I am always greeted with a smile by Crystal who gives that same smile to ALL the other customers she meets. Good quality gas, great mechanics, great customer service from people like Crystal, great owner, and pumps that are always busy and I think you have a recipe for success.

Gang, support small businesses like the two I just mentioned. Yes, we all shop at Wal-Mart but you need to go where EVERYBODY knows your name. Mike, Jeff, and Crystal know mine.

 

Now that another episode of “The Rat Patrol” has just about concluded, as evidenced by their whooping it up on their walkie-talkies and Iwo Jima has been nuked to death from a Kodak perspective(Boy, if I were Hirohito and Truman threatened to bomb Hiroshima with a Polaroid One-Step, I’d be in Honolulu with my dignitaries requesting the surrender papers ASAP), I’m still wrapping up the Musical Chairs version of the plot. It hasn’t gotten to “Days of Our Lives” proportions, that’s the consolation prize.

Anyhoo, that’s Tiki, while in Car #2, that’s Joe and Leonard. We don’t think the last name is Bruce since the dude is black but taking no chances here. I’m not gonna get surprised by Joe and Allen Funt.

“Man, that looks like the black dude all grown up from ‘Wee Pals’.”

Smiiiilllllleeeeeee, you’re on ‘Candid Camera’ as Allen triumphantly proclaims

“Nope, T. Drew, that’s Bootsy Collins driving the mini-van. You didn’t notice his funky heels?????????”

 

Shout-out to Kristi Sykes and Tyler, of Louisville, Kentucky, for their take on living. Kristi has served on numerous boards to make Our Fair City a better place to live. Gotta hand it to ya, Kristi, you stuck your neck on the line to improve the living conditions of the things around us. Thank you for putting in the long hours it takes to make the decisions necessary to make things a go. and you’re teaching Tyler the same thing. Sure, it’s okay to sacrifice, Tyler. You always come out ahead that way. Treat Kristi with respect, gang. She’s earned it.

 

Because I’m really trying to figure pout what a Bioesthetic Dentist does as per a sign I saw last week

“Gil, my goodness, your teeth look great!!!!!!!!! White and shiny!!!!!!!! I could see them sparkle while you were doing morning duty in the parking lot while I was pulling in.”

“Gee, thanks. I just wanted to be At My Most Beautiful. It just wasn’t enough to use Colgate or Crest. So I went Milford Bioesthetic Dentistry Practitioners, Inc., to get the whole package, teeth that complement your visage. My bioesthetist offered to perform a nose job, I still had insurance money left, but I said ‘no. thank you’, I think I still look like Robert Redford without the Poly-Grip.”

“Well, Gil, I hate to break it to you but I think your bioesthetist did the wrong procedure. You look like Flipper.”

Gil, banging his spout

“I KNEW he used the wrong anasthesia!!!!!!!!!!”

A shout-out to Josiah Rousseau-Taylor and his mom, Amanda Rousseau, of Louisville, Kentucky. Both of them have plenty of get-up-and go and they proved that getting out and about today. It is easy to sit at home and hope the world comes to you but These two people live life the way it should be lived. Whether a trip to the hospital or to go shopping, they are always doing something to make the world a better place. And they both do it with a smile on their faces. Salute them, gang, they deserve the support.

 

Watching “To Tell The Truth” one night at 1:00AM on WDIG when the station ran out of “Murder, She Wrote” episodes.

 

Bah

Bah Bah Bah

Bah Bah

BAH BAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Hi, I’m Garry Moore and welcome to ‘To Tell The Truth’. Today we are about to uncover the personality of some dipwad of a coach. He says he coaches at Milford High School though he declined to say in which state the high school or the town, for that matter, is located. THAT should be a challenge to our panel of judges, speaking of which, are anticipating The Moment even as I speak. Let’s say ‘Hello’ to our celebrity judges, none of whom are making any movies or TV shows nor competing for the stage with Frankie in Vegas, Jack Carter, Nanette Fabray, and Louis Nye.

Applause, Applause

“Now let’s meet our 3 contestants. one of whom is telling the truth.”

Bah

Bah Bah Bah

Bah Bah

BAH BAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

 

Johnny Olson, normally not on the show, Don Pardo called in, reads the roll

“#1, what is your name?”

“My name is Gil Thorp.”

“#2, what is your name?”

“My name is Gil Thorp.”

“#3, what is your name?”

“My name is Gil Thorp.”

 

“OK, Gentlemen, if you’ll have a seat, we can commence with the questioning.”

Jack commences

“#1, I noticed you’re Black and I swear, you look like James Brown. Can you honestly say with a straight face that you are Gil Thorp and that you commanded the respect of primarily white kids? I’ve read the strip, y’know. Those threads are straight out of ‘Living in America’. You’ve worn that on a rainy night when you got your ass handed to you by New Thayer?”

“Mr. Carter, I assure you, I was there the night we got an ass-whuppin’ from the team you mentioned. Contrary to what you say, I wore my Speedo sweat suit and matching Florsheim loafers. I even quoted from ‘Our Daily Bread’ after the game for inspiration. I’ll admit I read from the wrong date, I read the sermonette on ‘Gossip’, but the kids were quick to correct the error and hand me the intended rain-soaked page. It talked about how David might have gotten squashed by Goliath nut there was always the Playdowns. David was going to slay his 10,000’s in the Post-season.”

Bah

Bah Bah Bah

Bah Bah

BAH BAH

“Folks, that means we have to take a commercial break. We’ll be back after these messages. Stay with us.”

 

“If you’ve been defaced as a result of bad dental practices, get 3 times the money at Sharkey Law Offices. Why settle for your mom’s allowance  money after a malpractice suit on a tooth pull when you can THINK BIG!!!!!!!!!”

“I knew we shouldn’t have used the dental lathe as a pulley to pull my my rear molar out of its socket. I got tangled in the machine and I couldn’t appear on ‘To Tell The Truth’ to convince the audience I was Gil Thorp. No, my cheekbones were shattered and I looked like The Fly, minus a molar. Thank God, The Shark got me 3 times the money the Milford Public Defender could only conceive in his dreams. I may have trouble cashing the check, matching my face with my photo ID on my driver’s license takes some doing, but my kids can vouch for me at the Milford IGA. I give ’em a Snickers for helping me.”

“You heard right. Get 3 times the money!!!!!!! No need to pay needless expenses at the Milford Quik-ee Mart on lottery tickets; You have a winning ticket without having to stand in line. Or drink their day-old Colombian-blend coffee. Call 1-FON-THE-JAWS and get justly compensated.”

 

Bah

Bah Bah Bah

Bah Bah

BAH BAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

 

“Welcome back. Nanette, it’s your turn.”

“#3, how long have you been coaching at Milford?”

“For the last 60 years, give or take a decade. It’s kinda fuzzy because the brainwashing I experienced in the Korean War did a number on my memory.”

Louis Nye at the plate.

“#3, how many champions have you coached during this time?”

“Oh, I’d say quite a few. I coached Moose Mason in the Long Jump and Reggie Mantle in the Shot Put. A real smart-ass but, by golly, could he throw. He about knocked out the Ironwood Ingot coach who BTW was an asshole. That mug would jack up the hurdles at the last second when the judges weren’t looking and Dilton Doiley wound up with ‘Hurdle Nose’ in the 100-Meter Dash. Then Archie Andrews helped us win the Marathon in record fashion. Pulled away from Tod Andrews’ son and the rest of the pack by the mile marker at Logan’s Steakhouse in Oakwood.”

“#3”, Jack Carter brusquely interrupts, “You are aware that you’re talking about Riverdale High?”

“They were on a Foreign-Student Exchange Program with Milford High. I would have wanted to coach Luke Bunkin his sophomore year but Dr. Pearl took it out of my hands. She felt Pop’s Choklit Shoppe would broaden the students’ horizons and help them experience a different culture.”

Nanette Fabray at the plate.

“#2, it’s my understanding that the TWIMers and the reading populace in general say you can’t coach your way out of a friggin’ Bucket Burger bag. What do you think?”

“Listen”, as #2 stands up, climbs over the table and goes after the panel

“When you are left with a bad plot and nominal players, what am I supposed to do? I mean, one of our players spends more time at the cinema, eating tubs of popcorn and Mike and Ike, than he spends on the football field!!!!!!!!”

Two security guards, borrowed from Judge Judy, hold him back

“Then you got this Tiki who comes from Micronesia, Polynesia, Fiji Islands, Lanai, Oahu, Guam, Pitcairn Island. Bikini Atoll, whatever, trying to convince me that he hung around with The Sharks. Well, have you seen Maria yet? Have you??????? I didn’t see her singing ‘I Feel Pretty’ while they were supposedly dating…”

Bah

Bah Bah Bah

Bah Bah

BAH BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“And we’ll be back after this” as Garry Moore rewinds the canned chorus to keep the audience from thinking #2 was serious, Bah Bah’ing the machine to death.

 

“I went to my bioesthetic dentist, hoping to look like Brad Pitt or Russell Crowe. I would have even settled for Errol Flynn. Instead, I got the face of King Kong and I still have my abscess. My kid’s birthday luau was ruined. all the kids at the party stayed on the other end of the pool and didn’t want Daddy Kong anywhere near the diving board. Cannonballs were out of the question. Thank God, The Shark got me 3 times the money.”

“Don’t let Bioesthetic Dentistry deprive you of your dignity. If yo go to your office Christmas party looking like Godzilla, dental work included, call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. Hard to play kissee-face with the secretaries in this condition. Let The Shark get you back to the Drew Dandey days and get 3 times the money.”

“Now when Blue Oyster Cult plays ‘Godzilla’, I don’t panic. And I no longer creep up to the mirror. Thanks, Shark.”

“Call The Shark today. What have you got to lose except Fay Wray?”

 

Bah

Bah Bah Bah

Bah Bah

BAH BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“All right, panel, have you reached a decision on the real Gil Thorp? Jack, what do you think?”

“Ahhhhh, I’m having a real problem with #3. I don’t remember Gil with an earring up his nose or a tattoo on his left butt cheek that says ‘The Grim Reaper played nose tackle at Milford and sent ’em flyin’!!!!!!’ as he vividly described in the pre-show ceremony. Thank God he didn’t drop his drawers to prove it(audience light laughter). And it was a toss-up between #1 and #2, but OK, #1, you’ve convinced me. There is a Black Moses in Milford, ready to part the fans on the football field when there’s a riot after the game, after you’ve won, naturally. You can teach good sportsmanship and win too. You’re Gil Thorp.”

“Allllll right, very good. Louie?”

“#2, ya gotta keep your wits on, Buddy, if ya wanna make it in Show Biz. Ya can’t lead an ant farm with that kind of temper. #3, I’m in for ya, Bub. Hell, my mom had a tattoo on her boobs that said ‘Jesus is Lord of my Life’. Ain’t nuthin’ wrong with tattoos, just don’t scratch one on my pate(Audience again lightly laughs). So you are Gil Thorp.”

“Annnnnnnnddddddd Nanette.”

“#1, I didn’t like what you said about playing Hyattsville DeMatha Catholic, Maryland or Oak Hill, Virginia or Univerity Heights, Kentucky. These schools are nowhere near your district in the comic strip and I read the funnies all the time, so I know. When you insisted that Snuffy Smith graduated from New Thayer, I knew you were an impostor.

And #2, your hair is designed in a way only the Bride of Frankenstein could love. I thought you were Herman Munster at first when you introduced yourself but noticed Lily wasn’t in the audience so YOU are Gil Thorp.”

“All right, the votes are in. Here’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Will the REAL Gil Thorp please stand up?”

All three are staring at each other…

“We now resume our regularly scheduled broadcast, already in progress.”

 

“What should we do with these punks?”

“There’s only one thing TO DO. Jeb, fetch the nooses.”

“Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw, the ACLU will be up to our gluteus maximus over this one. And have you ever tried to hang a bunch of teenagers off a swing set?”

“I can’t help it if there’s no trees around. The loggers got a hold of them deformed specimens in the back of Gil’s window after getting the Sierra Club to back off. Plus, it’s my show.”

“What’ll we do with Tiki?”

“Hell, send him over to Smidgens. Husband and wife are harmless. Plus they don’t show no private parts. Tiki’ll keep that thing in his pocket fer sure.”

 

Gang, it’s your turn. Me and the rest of the A Team should be done shooting photos and off the planet by the time you can say

Bah

Bah Bah  Bah

Bah Bah

BAH BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tiki Can’t Really Dust for Vomit

Well this backfired

Subtlety’s not Joe’s forte

But is self-defense?

 

Bolek’s a dumbass

Use phone camera for this

It’s not Rick Soto

 

Whaddaya expect

From a guy who paints crosswalks

With tiny brushes?

 

Can film buff buddies

Jump in, make this a fair fight?

Outlook not so good

 

Now Mudlarks will need

Another new punter

Like Spinal Tap drummers

 

And when you smile for the camera..

…. you know that Tiki has ya.

oh god.. so Tiki is orchestrating a fight so it can be shown on camera to prove to Gil that he deserves to play football?  What a ton of effort for something so shallow.

Love the fists in P2 and P3. I recall a scene in the Flintstones where Barney got his thumb in the way of all the pictures. The fist almost hides the cameraman.

Why do these guys get to just walk out of the school at any time when they want? My school never would put up with that, but again, this is Wierdville.

Where Do You Sleep?

Thalidomide Kaz

Threatening to take Tiki

Back to his dojo

 

To “sleep.” Yeah, whatevs.

Kaz’s dojo is simple

Not unlike himself

 

Far simpler than

Tiki’s complicated life

How complicated?

 

I don’t think we’ll know

Until the end of next week

Oh, such the drama

 

“Do” more definite

Than “could.” Might mean that Tiki

Sleeps in his Plymouth

 

Not matter of where

Tiki sleeps but where he could

Kaz, how do you sleep?

 

How about the Peace Train?

Wow its Monday already! Finally we have time moving. Just in time for time to move backward– dont forget to change your clocks this Saturday night–  1 hour back, except if you live in Arizona or parts of Indiana, then ignore this announcement.  Its so Milford to go forward when everyone else is going backward, but I digress…

The subway?? The bullet train?? Where does that one go– only to Goshen and back? My first car was silver and my uncle said – ‘what do you call it, the Silver Bullet? ‘Not bad, but I chose the Rob Royce.

And how does your car conveniently die right near these 2 options anyway? And biking would require having your bike in your car. You hear me Gil?? A unicycle is used mostly at the circus, and requires a bit of training and balance. And storage in ones car..