This Week in Milford

November 18, 2017

Life-Changing Foreshadowing

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Wow. Take away the dialogue from today’s first panel and you’d be hard pressed not to think Uncle Gary was fixing to slap the hell out of his sister Connie. I’m sure it’s really meant to be more of a “talk to the hand” gesture, as in “What Rick thinks (or you think) of my grand scheme to make him famous is of no consequence to me.” Or, in the words of someone I alluded to in my last post:

The only person’s life in need of obvious change here is Uncle Gary, but not in the way he thinks.  What does dad in Dubai think of this? Why haven’t we seen or heard diddly from him? Wouldn’t Connie or Rick have mentioned Gary’s scheme to him already? Wouldn’t he be back on the next Emirates nonstop into Milford International Airport to beat creepy uncle to a pulp? Meanwhile…

“We’re here at Milford High School, where we’ve secretly replaced Rick Soto’s head with one off a broken Rock’em Sock’em Robot. Let’s see if anyone can tell the difference!”

Rick is not getting the gist of veer blocking from Coach Steve Boone. Maybe Uncle Gary’s little scheme is proving too much of a distraction. Maybe the fake concussion Uncle Gary claimed Rick had will turn into a real concussion next week. Then the real life changing may begin.

 

 

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November 13, 2017

This Week In Uncle Gary

Filed under: freak hands, google nonsense, Milford Idiots — nedryerson @ 9:09 am

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The Uncle Gary Show continues at Gil Thorp. Now it is revealed that Uncle Gary is angling for some sort of warm, fuzzy “Support the Troops” flavor to his ersatz viral video. We get it. Uncle Gary is without scruples. He’s also without traditional elbows if you try to figure out how is hand is positioned that way in Panel 3.

I have nothing else to say about Uncle Gary. Please have fun talking about Uncle Gary in the comments, if you can bring yourself to.

I do feel bad about giving you loyal readers short shrift in “humorous content” so I decided, why not fall back on the old standby, Google Nonsense. So let’s see what comes up when you Google “Uncle Gary”.

We’ll start with this guy:
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Interesting. Maybe Uncle Gary had a brief brush with fame that he’s trying to relive through Rick. Why he would bill himself as “Uncle Gary” is weird, but hey, it’s “The Nice Price Plus”. (I remember those stickers in the old chain record stores. I think it stood for “Here’s some back catalog crap that nobody will pay full price for”.)

Next up, we have this loving memorial to Uncle Gary:
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Lots of warm memories. He and his lawnmowers are certainly missed.

And finally, we have Twitter’s @UncleGary4Real:
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He looks like a lot of fun. Check out Uncle Gary’s twitter account…if you dare!

November 11, 2017

I Routinely Wear Glasses And I Swear That I Never Do That…

Filed under: freak hands, Milford Weirdos — timbuys @ 9:37 am

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Maybe I just need to up my evil game… The notion that Uncle Gary is sitting at the kitchen table, tapping away at his laptop and sipping coffee, almost exactly as I am right now, would be more disconcerting if I weren’t clean shaven.

Panel 1: Pretty creepy.

Panel 2: Super creepy.

Panel 3: This is all a little too much to take in on a Saturday morning.

Enjoy your weekend everybody!

November 4, 2017

The Easily Swayed Dr. Pearl

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….Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re right back where we were last Saturday. Gil can resist Uncle Gary’s relentless Astroturfing, but Dr. Pearl apparently cannot. One might think that the administrator, with her fancy book-learnin’ and cushy desk job, would cast a more jaundiced eye toward the email campaign – starting with finding out who is sending them.

Makes me wonder what Uncle Gary’s firing off in those missives on his teeny tiny laptop with his freaky deaky hands:

Pearl, Pearl, Pearl,

Come be my lovin’ girl

Don’t you marry Lester Flatt

He slicks his hair with possum fat…

 

October 21, 2017

They’ve Got Prairie Style Windows in Omaha, Too?

October 20, 2017

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I got the spirit (Hey!)

It’s in my locker (Hey!)

A bottle of vodka (Hey!)

And if we win (Hey!)

We get some gin (Hey!)

And if we lose (What?)

We get no booze (Aww!)

And if we tie… (Yeah?)

We still get high! (Woo!)

— an actual chant by teenchy’s high school football team, long ago and far away

Uncle Gary just doesn’t get it. Win or lose, shared goals and camaraderie are two important lessons that can be learned from playing team sports.  In recognizing that, the teenaged Rick Soto shows himself to be far more mentally mature than his cardboard cutout shyster of an uncle. We haven’t seen team player behavior like that from a Milford athlete since True Standish, The Golden Child, let Jarrod Hale score the winning touchdown in the state championship game. So ease up, Uncle Gary; Rick might just be lining up his future roadies for when he hits it big on the Midwestern fraternal organization open mike night tour. He hasn’t even been concussed yet.  That dubious honor looks like it might fall to…

October 21, 2017

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… Mike “Don’t call Me Castle” Fillllllllllllion. Well here’s a surprise – a strip featuring neither Rick Soto nor Uncle Gary but Gil flexing his old school jockocrat muscles (and his right arm with two elbows) by pulling his QB out of this unknown teacher’s class.  I can see Filion’s eyes clouding up already – oh, wait, they’re just exploding.  Making a kid nervous by yanking him out of class then telling him to relax is just the kind of mind game you’d expect from a coach whose one trick on the season is putting a linebacker in at fullback. Wonder if Gil’s gonna tell Mike that Pelwecki’s getting some reps under center next week?

October 13, 2017

Trust me, you’re full of c**p

When I was in high school we had a thing called Career Day where various reps from careers ranging from artist to zookeeper would come in and we would gravitate toward the field(s) of our interest and hopefully get a taste of the field before we decided to either pursue it as a major in college or as a future job etc. I cant recall who I visited but rest assured it was nothing of the sort of work I wound up doing, which I’m sure is the case for most people.

Some years later in my school newsletter I got as an alumni they had a blurb about the upcoming Career Day and a short list of which fields they needed to fill for the event. On the list:  Singer. My eyes froze.

Really!  Someone in a high school that was 90% college prep was gonna take all that algebra, world history, calculus, and physics education he/she was getting and turn it into a career that is mostly self-employed and mainly requires long hair, tattoos, and drugs as well as late-night gigs with a band and no guarantees of anything financially secure plus you need to hire (and pay) an agent to promote your sound and schedule gigs. Its a hard and mostly difficult life and all but the very few who actually make a profit are soon left with nothing but debts and sore throats. Plus some cool tats. But I digress. I was imagining someone from Twisted Sister (like Dee Snyder) coming to the school and everyone dropping who they were visiting to see him. Too funny.

The strip basically is about Garys pipe dream that Katie should be a singer; I thought Rick was the one singing. And who’s Connie?? Who’s he pointing at in P3? Somebodys mom? Whos mom?? When are they gonna play another game? Whens the bonfire? What does Millard West high school have to do with any of this??

And how  the fuck does being in LA for 20 years qualify you to determine that a dude singing 1 song in a high school cafeteria should be a professional singer??

 

October 12, 2017

The Best Singer (Or So We’re Told)

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So this is the song Rick Soto purportedly just sang*. I’m sure today’s strip just gave it dozens more hits on YouTube.

In true Rubin fashion we never get to read the lyrics coming from Rick’s mouth. Another tease, just like the tease that we may finally know the lyrics to Milford High’s fight song (and there were some good stabs at it in yesterday’s comments). Just another reminder of the weird pacing of this strip, in which the Mudlarks have played one game while high schools in the real world have mostly played at least six or seven.

In true Whigham fashion we get a Milford girl festooned with chunky bracelets and big earrings in the way no teenage girl accessorizes today. We also get Rick’s unnaturally flat palms facing the speaker in best back off ease up fashion, another Whigham hallmark. Finally, from the Pantheon of Hair Department it’s sideburns: Rick’s oddly shaggy ones and Pelwecki’s greasy strands that threaten to clump together as sideburns.

Wait – did someone mention the dozens? Maybe it’s time for a game.

“Pelwecki’s hair is so greasy, he could fry chicken in it.”

“Uncle Gary’s such a crap lawyer he’s trying to hitch a ride on his nephew’s back as an agent.”

*Were you as disappointed as I was that it wasn’t a George Harrison cover? If so, this should help you get over it.

October 7, 2017

Rick, You’re No Ingrid Bergman

Filed under: football, freak hands, Gil Thorp, Lens Flare, Milford Weirdos, The Bucket — teenchy @ 1:03 pm

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For that matter, neither is your mom, and Uncle Gary sure as hell is no Charles Boyer. Yet that’s how Rubin has chosen to address the serious up-to-the-minute issue of concussions in football: by lifting the plot of the famous 1944 thriller that lent its name to the behavior Boyer displayed. Gaslighting has been charged many times this year in reference to the current US political climate, and that’s all I have to say about that. It’ll be on Turner Classic Movies next Sunday morning, so you insomniacs can check it then and see if we’re still tracking the plot. I guess this will make Gil Joseph Cotten, but if that makes Kaz Angela Lansbury I’m all for it.

Kudos to Connie Soto for driving a four-door sedan, especially since driving a Jeep Compass or pickup at night in Milford has had some unpleasant consequences. I think she has more to worry about than Rick’s cloudy eyes, like her severed left hand that still grips the steering wheel.  Hmm, bad paper cut?

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