I also shrunk

I never heard of someone describe a 3rd place finish as ‘second-best of non-winners’ until now. In other words, I hate my life because Im not the best. Or 2nd best for that matter.

Tevin and Kianna are chatting in the hallway on Monday, and he’s all set to give her a high five for her great weekend activities, and she stops his freak hand cold. Again the plot doesnt really move, as she repeats what we already know– she’s competitive. Really, all the athletes are at a varsity high school level. The gymnastics team Im sure spends a lot of time practicing, and if they dont want to do it bad enough, they wont get that far to make the team. Volleyball, same deal. And it gets even more so in college and, heaven forbid, national team level, where the Olympians are made. Ol Kianna looks like one of those who will only be satisfied with being the best, and that can lead to a lot of heartbreak when, odds are, she wont be.

But she can at least say- Thanks for the compliment, and move on. Nope.

But of course

Firs

First off thanks again to Teenchy for filling in while I was camping in bear country last weekend. Upper Michigan is a beautiful sight this time of year with the changing leaves, and the weather was even more calm then last year.

Back to the game– Gil is managing to blow this lead as we figured, as Tevin only has 1 hand on the rock as its punched away a la Peanut Tillman in his Bear heyday. Whatever that glove is on Claxtons hand, it isnt sticky enough to hold the ball. Safe and smart all right Gil. Its been a fairly close game, and no matter what formation you run, whether its the Delaware Hens or the Baltimore Chop, you still need TWO hands on the ball when running out the clock. And in an evenly matched contest, ‘a few first downs’ on 1 drive is almost impossible. Gildo acts like its routine. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool Gil 20 times, ….. he comes back for more.

This Is Not a Fire Drill

Let’s suspend disbelief about Chance Macy’s office mail call for a moment and turn our suspension of disbelief elsewhere. The traditional season-opening Mudlark Bonfire® is ready to blaze, but not without some very strange details, most of which come via Whigham’s pen.

That flat-nosed dump truck – possibly a ’70s-era International Harvester Loadstar – looks like it was overloaded with logs, kinda like those Benz trucks in the Middle East that get overloaded with people and cargo. Must’ve been pretty pricey what with the recent spike in lumber prices. How is the school gonna pay for it? By cutting back on lawn services after the bonfire destroys the grass?

Smash cut to the hallways of Milford High and Tevin talking to, um, Kianna? She’s the only girl he’s talked to all season thus far, unless you count the Greek chorus who watched Kianna blow him off a few days ago. How tall is she supposed to be anyway? She was tall enough to stare into the window of Tevin’s mom’s SUV at the gymnastics car wash a couple of weeks ago. She must have a magic shrink ray to shrink down for gymnastics and get tall for volleyball. Or something.

Finally the bonfire’s raging and someone’s calling for that old International to be replaced with a Ford! Meanwhile Tevin’s calling for Chance Macy to give the crowd a pep talk. Chance is trying to make a polite refusal since the heat from the bonfire has his hair dye running down his face Rudy Giuliani style. Let’s see if this or his firewalking exercise are enough to get him blowtop mad.

These Random Words Will Somehow Be Meaningful Before This Plot Is Over

The challenge today, gentle readers, is to figure out how these statements – which, taken in isolation, sound nothing like how real people actually speak – will foreshadow some essential plot element during this story arc.

Tevin puts his all into Mudlark football and can’t see how Kianna is able to do the same for two sports. The fact that Tevin is whipped after just one practice may hint at a lack of conditioning on his part. Kianna hints that it’s because neither of her sports are contact sports. Yesterday she alluded to the use of energy drinks, opening the door to an unhealthy dietary angle.

Speaking of diets, Tevin is off to the cafeteria where he and some of his teammates snarf down all-white food. It kinda looks like the grocery store where Otto worked in Repo Man. The group includes beady-eyed Boyd Spiller who, like Tevin, has also been recently promoted to the varsity. Boyd has already established himself as mouthy and tactless, so why his teammates are acting like his recitation of some clickbait listicle will be as riveting as the Gettysburg Address is beyond me. Could be that his ability to read people won’t translate to an ability to read stunts or blitzes, leading to Tevin’s getting sacked and injured, which would tie back to Kianna’s comment about tackling.

Anyway, we have a while to figure this one out. Just file it in your collective memory bank for reference.

meta: Today is an unavoidably somber day in the US. I’m not going to bore you with stories of where I was twenty years ago today, or offer any kind of take on how our world has changed since then. You’ve had more than enough teenchy for one week. I will, however, leave a link to this story I read this morning. The section in which the former high school basketball star and young college grad decides to change his career tack from book publishing to corporate PR reminded me a bit of the Heather Burns story. One life among thousands lost – thousands whom we will remember today and for years to come.

Two Digs for the Price of One

So yeah, these mooks were on the JV last year. Tevin got a case of the yips on more than one occasion and cost them… something. Second place in the Valley JV conference, prolly. It might not have entirely been Tevin’s fault, since Boyd Spiller might have thrown a few lookout blocks at key moments. Tevin might not let him forget it, either, as he jerks a thumb in Boyd’s direction. At least I think that’s supposed to be Tevin’s thumb; why would Boyd insult himself? Shades of old Eight Elbows and Jaquan Case here. Anyhoo, I expect old Gordon will be keeping tabs on the beady-eyed Spiller, who seems like the kind of guy who’d get fragged by his own troops.

On to the volleyball court where Kianna Bello lays out a dig. Let’s see if her gymnastics talents come into play here. Or not.

Added new category: Colorist Error. May attempt to apply it retroactively to the summer arc and the miscolored Bemidji State rain jacket.

Heather Burns Throws Worse Than a Girl!

I mean, come on! Look at that form! Gil tosses Heather a foil-wrapped chocolate football, she grips it like a loofah and throws it back to him all misshapen? If she can do that to a football, maybe she could have been the S&C coach.

Finally Rubin gets around to addressing the 125-pound tight end in the room – conflict of interest – but he can’t come out and say it literally. Instead he has to use the same euphemism he did during last year’s QB controversy. What possible role could he have for Heather that doesn’t involve her actually coaching the Mudlarks? Lemme guess: he’ll coerce her into writing some kind of “insider football tips” column in the Star along with her regular reporting. I’m sure he called her boss Dale and cleared it all ahead of time; this is his town after all. Be prepared to see Gil require his players to read Heather’s column daily, maybe even going so far as to require them to buy the Star off the rack or even subscribe. Can you imagine Gil helps build Heather’s resume and single-handedly boosts the flagging circulation of a dying medium? The mind boggles!

Hang on for this thrill ride: it surely will be more surprising than Gil trotting out the Delaware Wing-T yet again.

Kianna Bello? Che bella!

The Chief starts us off today with a little fanservice in the form of a gymnast in a crop top holding a hose. Phwoar!

Kiana Prince-Bello has an Insta. Kiana Bello has a rag. Whigrub taking no chances with the readership by spelling “chamois” phonetically.

To borrow a trope from my colleague tdrew:

Gene Rayburn: “Kiana Bello is so tall…”

Match Game audience: “HOW TALL IS SHE?”

Gene Rayburn: Kiana Bello is so tall, she’s at eye level with the roof of an SUV.”

Seriously, does this look like the body of a gymnast? It’s certainly not the body of a libero. We’re expected to believe she’s competitive in both sports? The safe money says she drops gymnastics for volleyball since the latter is a Milford team sport and everything takes a backseat to Mudlark sportsball. Gymnastics hasn’t been a thing in the Thorpiverse since the days of Milford Airborne and another Thorp. Both Keri and Airborne have been banished to the retcon dustbin, so expect the same fate to befall the Flipstars.

Oh, yeah, and Tevin is a horndog. But you already knew that.

Washing Cars With Tevin

The new plot is starting of at Tevin Claxton’s house. (Rubin must have used a random name generator for that name.) Today’s strip features Tevin driving his parents’ cars to two different charity car washes, each by different sports teams, volleyball and gymnastics. Well, that’s one way to work the girls’ teams into the plot, Rubin. Have them washing cars for horny boys. The cars in Milford are all filthy, so there’s no limit to how many charity car washes it can hold in one day.

Oh yeah, Tevin has to stop at the drugstore for a few things for his mother. A few things at the drugstore. I try not to buy anything at the drugstore besides my prescription medications. Unless I’m looking for a specific OTC cough medicine or something. Maybe Milford doesn’t have a big box store or a grocery store and the citizens do all their shopping at the KwikEMart and the drugstore. Yeah, I know. Who cares? Lets see what Tevin Claxton’s deal is.