New Favorite

It’s been a busy week in Milford, what with the Memorial Day salute and the handshake line brawl and the frenemy teammates and the therapy, more of which should be scheduled by la familia Hernandez.

Before we dive into that, I feel like some cheers and jeers are in order for this recent run of strips:

CHEERS:

1. Gil in uniform on Memorial Day (not Henry’s fault, btw, that he wasn’t drawn in the uniform of his canonical branch of service; see his comment on that day’s strip on Gocomics)
2. Henry’s callback to last November 16th‘s strip in his June 1 strip. That should help people with short institutional memories.
3. Genuine character development among the Milford jayvee girls’ softball players.
4. Henry’s sticking to his guns in making Luke Sr. an insufferable monomaniac who will stop at nothing, including using the family of his assistant coach and destroying his relationships with his own, to gain revenge over his perceived rival for a perceived slight from decades past. This all feels like it’s gonna blow up in his face before the calendar year is through.
5. It looks like between Whigham and the color monkeys, they’ve settled on a color scheme for Valley Tech. That it’s old gold, white and black makes Valley Tech look more like Georgia Tech and – at least in the eyes of yhs – easier to hate. (This is about the only positive in the art department of late; see below.)

JEERS:

1. The continued failure to recognize that baseball and softball teams carry more than one pitcher. There’s this thing called a rotation, in which a team has multiple starting pitchers and can rest each starting pitcher for several days between starts, reducing the wear and tear on each pitcher. There’s also this thing called a bullpen, which consists of a physical location on a baseball field as well as a team’s pitchers who are not starting pitchers. Recognizing that pitching rotations and bullpens are things would reduce a lot of the implausible aspects of the strip, e.g., Gregg Hamm teaching his blind man kung fu treachery to Leo and Dorothy and only Leo and Dorothy and Pedro being “benched” in favor of The Korean Nightmare today.
2. The reintroduction of the Marty we used to know and hate. Admittedly this is a minor jeer, but I’m having a hard time grasping it in the overall context of the strip. What’s the point of Marty acting all Dishonest John snapping a pic of the Mudlark vape selling ring? Hasn’t the horse already left that barn? I just don’t know what he’s trying to accomplish her. Will he blow the lid on it and force Milford to vacate the Valley hoops title? Or is he just jealous of Luke replacing him as designated asshole? Surely he knows who butters his bread here, and if he shares it with Gil, Marjie and/or Heather, they’ll focus more on the fact that Marty’s been surreptitiously taking pictures of underage boys than on the content of those pictures.
3. While I appreciate Valley Tech being clad in pee stain yellow, there have been some notable issues with the artwork of late. I’m pretty sure the Memorial Day strip isn’t the first example of one in which Henry intended one thing and the Chief drew another, and I’m pretty sure more than one of us TWIMers have called that out. It’s a Strother Martinesque failure to communicate in the making. Whigham’s fascination with not completely drawing fences has its consequences today, as Keri’s going to get her earlobes torn off as the jagged edges snag her ginormous earrings (another Whigham fascination).

It might not be an inconsistency but it’s noteworthy that Kwan’s uniform number has changed from 5, a very rare number for a pitcher to 1, an even rarer number for a pitcher. (The only one I can think of off the top of my head is MacKenzie Gore for the Nats; others? please comment.) Between “number one” and “favorite son” I’m getting a bad Charlie Chan* vibe from this, and I hope it’s just me. At least we know that Luke has seen The Sandlot.

Just a sad day to be Pedro, and a sad song to capture the feeling.

*In the Charlie Chan films, Number One Son was played by Keye Luke. Coincidence?

FAME!!!!!!!! I’m Gonna Pitch Foreverrrrrr…

Baby, they look at me and tell me I can’t see

But they ain’t seen the best of me yet

Give me time, Korean phenom they’ll forget

I got more in me, this bad plot can set it free

I can catch the tripe in my hand, don’t you even understand

Remember my name

FAME!!!!!!!

I’m gonna pitch forever. This story will be on the fly [HIGH]
Nothing is coming together. People will watch this and cry [FAME]

Blast this way in the heavens. Light up the sky full of shame [GIL]
Please don’t continue forever

Baby, remember, it’s lame.

This makes no sense whatsoever. We are confronted with this Korean sensation that supposedly will put Valley Tech athletics on the map but not only do we not know how this Korean Kid did (although I assume he slammed the door or did excellent relief) but when Gil said he would go talk to Gregg Hamm, we were anticipating that he would catch Hamm working with the pitchers on a change-up.

Instead, Gregg is playing “Tea for Two” while Shorofsky took a lunch. We were expecting Shea Stadium but the taxi dropped us off at Tin Pan Alley. Like, does Thorpiverse really think we’re that stupid???? C’mon, T-verse, what in the name of Burt Bacharach does THIS have to do with Leo beating Syngman Rhee? Leo is going to mow down the Valley Tech Nine by memorizing “On a Bicycle Built for Two”?

Gil, if we wanted the stage troupe from “Fame!”, we would have watched the movie/TV show. There was this one episode where Danny auditions everywhere and gets nowhere but somehow stumbles upon this popular kids show, “Mr. Wacky”. Danny does so well off the cuff that Mr. Wacky hires him permanently, with the understanding that Danny is now Noodles on the show.

And everything is going great until one episode where Noodles is throwing baseballs at this lever connected to Mr. Wacky’s seat inside this dunking booth. And no matter how many balls Noodles throws at the lever, many of them on target to dunk Mr. Wacky, Noodles is the one getting showered with water while Mr. Wacky stays dry. Then Noodles improvises (wasn’t in the script, in other words. Lot of that going around) by running towards the lever and giving Mr. Wacky a thorough dunking. The look inside the glass of the dunking booth of Mr. Wacky in bewilderment says it all.
Once backstage, Mr. Wacky makes it clear to Noodles (Danny, remember) that only Noodles is to be the butt of the jokes. Mr. Wacky is the set-up man to that end, much to the reluctance of Noodles. Danny is understandably not crazy about he being the only one that will get pies thrown in his face.

Unfortunately, Gregg is the new Noodles. We were expecting a pitching coach but receiving a Bozo who plays like Victor Borge who gets Sara Lee Chocolate Crème’s thrust at his visage. Oh this is wacky without the Mister, fer sure, fer sure.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Gregg Hamm Steps Down From ‘Mister Gil’s Wacky World’ On WDIG-TV!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I can go over to Valley Tech and be the pitching coach without getting dunked in the booth. Gil will have to go find another loser to do his dirty work.”

The plotline is further going down the drain when Gregg is apparently too blind to recognize the keys on the piano. Gregg, I’m no concert pianist but even I know you don’t play “Fame!” on keys towards the high end of the instrument. It’s entertaining to watch women dance to a pitch equivalent to Alvin & The Chipmunks of Donna Summers’ “MacArthur Park”. The dental drill version of The Trampps’ “Disco Inferno”? Are you serious? We’re getting our chain jerked anyway; must it get jerked further by listening to some falsetto version of “Brown Sugar”? ELO’s Kelly Groucutt did a wonderful job as the falsetto backup for years. I just don’t think it works on “Won’t Get Fooled Again”.

And whaddup with the seat? You couldn’t even fit Gumby in that contraption. I guess if Gregg is blind, he doesn’t know better so Mother Nature cuts him some slack which is just as well. If his vision was 20/20, he’d fall on his ass. Boy, what logic around here. Tommy in a seat barely able to seat a raccoon, now that’s a story backdrop. Remind me to order one like that in case my vision goes he way of this plot.

REX ALERT!!!!!!!! REX ALERT!!!!!!

Rex and Gil are now in a Kentucky Derby horse race of their own and this may go nose-and-nose in a photo finish. Rex is still MIA after Mud Mountain Murphy explained his repentance but goes right around and bows to Dr. Moon even as Ravi Shankar escaped the brig and is somewhere on the boat, God knows where (pardon the pun) . The solution, of course, is for Fred & Wilma to sit on their asses for 3-4 more weeks until plot realization comes full circle. We will serenade you with “Them Muddy Boots” on Muzak while the investigation continues.

No truth to the rumors that Gil and Ravi Shankar are the same people. Gil has no clue how to play the sitar. Same with Rex. He may be pulling a Dr. Schweitzer on us in the jungles of Borneo to conquer herpes among the natives but he hasn’t committed a documented felony. Don’t jump to conclusions in the name of plot sanity. Take a powder and relax.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Gregg Hamm To No Longer Play The Fool And Walk Into The Dunking Booth On ‘Gil’s Wacky World’!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Somebody FINALLY shut the door.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office one day, with Head East’s “Ticket Back to Georgia” playing over the intercom

“Dr. Pearl, have you been on Mr. Wacky’s show lately?”

“No, Gil, I’m afraid I lost my footing in the faculty lounge during the End-of-Year Celebration.”

I am not EVEN going to try to interpret what the heck is being said in P2. First off, I have never EVER seen “What even” anywhere, comic strip, Herman Wouk novel, newspaper, Bible, Paul Harvey broadcasts, “60 Minutes”, interviews with Michael Jordan, etc., etc., etc. That word HAS to be “whatever” and there is no way you can convince me otherwise. Is this some esoteric phrase that only a few can interpret while the rest of us intellectually stunted sit and grovel with envy that some people possess intelligence somewhere between Dr. Spock and Jeffy from The Family Circus? Did Harrison Ford use this phrase in “American Graffiti” right about when he’s about to drag race Richie the C or Arthur Fonzarelli or What even was challenging him for drag racing bragging rights? “What even” sounds like something out of Hamlet

“What even thou hast done anon yea verily to slay my father

‘Twill vengeance wrought twice upongst Gil and Rex, where’re they what even ply their trade, fare ye well.”

Then FAMILY???? The blonde is a faint trace of Mimi and the other shot out of nowhere. Greg Brady assumes responsibility of the pitchers for Milford High School by playing “Nutcracker Suite” on a cheap Hammond organ while Marcia and Cindy and Alice the Maid cavort around the room???? What makes this worse, this was an interruption of that Korean Kook who was sent in by Luke Loser to save the day for VT Baseball. So we can only speculate that Pedro pissed in his pants while Korea Kid slammed the door that got shut off from civilization because Yogi Berra proved it ain’t over ‘til it’s over by continuing this travesty with a musical from “The Music Man” to “South Pacific”, Yogi on the kazoo. Way to strike out the side, Yogi. If you see a fork in the road of this farce, take it. That’s only logical.

If ya dance ta “A Country Boy Can Survive” being played by the same organ Grandma Redneck played even when the keys were gettin’ yellower than her teeth, ya might be a redneck.

At Mr. Wacky studios

“Rex, where have you been? We’ve been looking all over from you!!!!”

“I needed some extra income and the lemon meringue was pretty tasty. Just don’t tell my wife I’m really Noodles.”

GIL ALERT!!!!!!! GIL ALERT!!!!!!!!!!

As told in “Confessions of a Double Agent”, Gil, Rex, and Chuck Barris (Gong Show host, recall) were engaged in an assassination attempt in Guatemala as the resident dictator was proving too repressive, judging by the Pizza Hut’s that were scaled back in the name of economic recovery. Rex should make it back to his practice and will likely hitchhike on the Glenwood Across The Caribbean once the hit has been executed and Rex’s papers clear customs. If he shaves every other day, he and Chuck should be in a cabin next to Fred & Wilma before the night’s out. Gil will take more time but a few more kickbacks to the kitty should get him back in the dugout by Friday.

Vincent Price was an excellent actor, having been in horror flicks like the Dr. Phibes series. The one complaint that some of his colleagues had about him was he emoted his part dead in the ground. I personally loved his style but can feel people’s take on the issue. God knows that Gregg Phibes is getting carried away with, what? “Machine Head” by Deep Purple? “I Found A Million Dollar Baby At The Bucket At Rush Hour” by Sam the Sham & The Pharaohs? Getting excited over Vic-TOR-ia by playing the Brady Bunch theme on the pipe organ as huge as the Nick’s Pizza semi? That’s right, Gregg Phibes, have them dancing in the aisles playing Joe Walsh’s “A Life of Illusion” on the Wurlitzer. You got them in a whirling dervish. I don’t understand the connection between this and baseball but one over-emoted song at a time.

At Mr. Gil’s studio

“I’m singggggggggin’ in the rain, just sinnngggggin’ in the rain, how happy to be-“

“Okay, Noodles, you’ve gotten splashed enough. Don’t get the uniform too wet or I’ll have to cancel practice. And don’t even THINK of having Leo pitch a strike at the lever.”

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Chuck Barris and Coach Thorp Allegedly Finger Wrong Criminal On Glenwood Across Mars Tourlines!!!!!!!! Rene Belluso Still At Large!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Fred: ‘I am confident Mr. Barris will get his man. BTW, I was a fan of his on The Gong Show. A teacher colleague of mine got gonged because he told jokes worse than Gil.’”

Concerning P3, Gregg, I hate to burst the toy piano you’ve misapplied your fingers thereupon, but do you honestly think anyone is losing sleep over whether you’re Ray Charles or a sting ray? I’ll admit that you’re confusing the daylights out of the readership because one week you can play pinball at Milford Amusement Center like Tommy Walker, then the next week you’re Don Larsen in the ‘56 Series. But let this three-ring circus prevail in our daily routine by waving your supposed blindness the way a horse rider waves a carrot in front of Mr. Ed? Are you serious? We have better things to do than wonder if Dr. Phibes is overemoting his glaucoma and occasionally riding the umpire because Gil doesn’t have the fortitude to get the answers straight to Dr. Phibes’ blindness-on-the-spot. Heck, he can’t even play “Chopsticks”. Leastwise, I hope that’s not what they’re sashaying to.

Then there’s the tidbit I learned today that diabetics are more likely to contract Erectile Dysfunction. Man, all those Ho Ho’s, could it be that… Hmmmmmmmm.

Mud Mountain Murphy on the Glenwood Cruise Across The Zodiac in a luxury suite with the Glenwood Cruise Resident Slut

“Woman, I have more to offer than what’s inside my cowboy hat and I fully intend to take ‘em up on the “Rape Her Within 20 Minutes And The Session Is Free” offer. Now get’em off and let’s go to work!!!!!!”

“Oh Lemuel, the way you talk dirty tantalizes me no end, I feel your earth move under my feet and bod-WOW!!!!!! Looks like someone’s a diabetic and those Nick’s Diner Mt. Everest Banana Split Saturdays are beginning to take their toll.”

“Woman, that ain’t no way ta talk to a man!!!!!! I got my pride!!!!!! I can bang more than my guitar and I’m just about ta show ya the ropes!!!!!”

“Lemuel, I’ve gone to bed with apron strings and I had to fake the enjoyment. I can’t fake earthworms dug out of the ground. You have to start laying off on those Triple-X Hot Fudge Sundaes they serve at the Glenwood Cruise 24/7 Lounge.”

“Now looky here!!!!!!!!!! I got a reputation ta protect and I’m not ‘bout ta see my manhood get fired off like Buck did with my career!!!!!!!! You’re gonna love Them Muddy Boots or my name is Bugs Bunny with a Capital B!!!!!!!!”

“Well, Bugs Muddy, if you’d cease devouring Eggs Benedict Strawberry Shortcakes at the Cruise’s Breakfast Break, you might pump a lot faster. They had to call in a couple of extra servers just to accommodate your fanatical approach to early morning cuisine. I’m surprised you didn’t eat the rooster that went cock-a-doodle-doo. Wasn’t topped with Domino’s sugar could be the only explanation.”

“THAT’S ENOUGH!!!!!!! I still have 3 minutes and I am going to rip it off and go to town even if it’s a bronco that ain’t learned it’s lesson at the Glenwood Rodeo!!!!!!!!”

“Lemuel, you couldn’t even ride on the kiddy pony up front at the Glenwood Wal-Mart when you were consuming all those Strawberry Pop Tarts they were passing around at your last concert. No wonder why your manhood jumped off the ship with Rene Belluso. I’d be hiding too if your manhood was no thicker than a Slim Jim Reduced Fat Calorie Sensitive piece of work.”

“NOW LOOKY HERE!!!!!!! If ya think-“

BRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIINNNNGGGGGGGG

“Time’s up. The offer expired. Do you want to pay debit or credit?”

“Thank God there was a Milford Men’s Clinic next to the Glenwood Cruise Health Spa. I got enlarged and a massage to boot. It don’t get no better than that. With all the proven treatments and a stern lecture on cutting back on the sweets, The Clinic was a godsend for this sexy cowboy performer. Hey, this cowboy will gladly stuff the Twinkies in the garbage can if he can rape Dolly Parton for free and beat the buzzer in the bargain. Come rape your own Dinah Shore when you ditch the Snickers, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, listen, for a plot idea, how about Gregg and Mud playing “Them Muddy Boots” while the ladies dance around so playfully? WHAT???? You don’t think it’s a good plot idea???? How about Alice Cooper and Mud then???? Playing “You Drive Me Nervous”???? Well, the last song sums up my feelings for the plot-jerking so far anyway.

But God bless you anyway, Gang.

BABY, HOLD ME TIGHT, ‘CAUSE YOU CAN MAKE IT RIGHT

YOU CAN SHOOT ME STRAIGHT TO THE TOP

GIVE ME LOVE AND TAKE ALL I GOT

TO GIVE

BABY, I’LL BE TOUGH

TOO MUCH IS NOT ENOUGH-

“Gil, can the Fame! schtick and come to bed.”

In Which Gil Decides to Wrestle with the Pig

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it. – George Bernard Shaw

Credit where credit is due: In Luke Martinez, Henry has created one toxic character. His never-ending obsession to one-up Gil Thorp and beat Gil’s teams in every sport he coaches has managed to suck in both his assistant coach and Gil himself. He’s also managed to piss off his elder son who, if there’s any sense of irony in this strip, will soon quit the team and/or transfer to Milford High in the fall.

Why does Gil need to call Hamm? To ask him if he’s seen the Korean Nightmare* clip? He should know the answer to that.

Coachella is looking a bit off-character today BTW, Chief. She needs to shave.

That’s all I’ve got for today. My laptop has been crashing and not recognizing its charger for weeks, and today I finally had to back it up and reinstall the OS. Took hours. Sorry not to have more pithy insights.

Oh, wait: I came across this online earlier this week. It dates from the late 1930s and might be as appropriate to share as Kaz’s out-of-left-field Cab Calloway reference a few days ago.

* Or, as he was known in his home country, “The Nightmare.”

These Cameos Are Giving Me Life

Four straight days of actual action and it’s time for a break, right? Right!

What better day for that break than Free Comic Book Day? What better place to celebrate Free Comic Book Day than the famed Golden Apple Comics on Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles? What better event to pop in for at the famed Golden Apple Comics than a book signing with none other than Steenz? Boy, Gil and Keri get around. Reckon there was or will be a stopover in Scottsdale as well?

Steenz seems like the perfect cartoonist to do a cameo in Gil Thorp. Like Keri, Steenz’ pronouns are they/their; like Barajas, they took over a long-running legacy comic strip. I must profess that I didn’t follow Heart of the City when it was Mark Tatulli’s strip, even though Tatulli was relatively local to me (South Jersey, on the other side of the Delaware Valley) and the Philadelphia Inquirer was sort of his home paper. I preferred the Charles Addams-like humor of his other strip, Liō, which he still creates.

Unlike Barajas and like Mark Trail‘s Jules Rivera, Steenz took over the writing and artwork, creating a much visually different version of the strip. Where Tatulli’s Heart looked much like his Liō, Steenz’ Heart to my eye looks a lot like the recent Cartoon Network series Steven Universe. Makes sense, then, that an animated version is in the works which will use Steenz’ character design. I’d be curious to know whether Steenz has faced as much backlash over Heart as Rivera has over Mark Trail or Barajas has over Gil Thorp (including what we’ve dished out here, I’ll admit).

I’m also appreciative of Astro Boy’s cameo, too. Takes this old head back a ways. Now head out there and grab yourself a free comic book today, if the mood strikes.

And A Stitch In Time Saves Nine Plots From Scattering All Over The Field.

First off, what happened to Marty???? I really haven’t any problem with Cami’s second cousin twice removed broadcasting the softball games but was this a last-minute replacement because Marty got off the wagon again?

BRRRRRRRRIIIINNNNGGGGGGGG

BRRRRRRRRIIIINNNNGGGGGGGG

BRRRR-

Click!

“Hello?”

“Tami? This is Melvin Muckley with WDIG. Listen, Marty drove into a ditch tonight. It’ll take two hours to tow his vehicle out of the sewage. Can you cover tonight?”

“Sure. I need the overtime.”

Moreover, NO announcer mentions a catcher’s uniform number when he or she is going to the mound to settle down the pitcher. What will Thorpiverse think of next, 20-second ad spots?

“Wow, Gil, your Everly Brothers hair isn’t flaking like Frosty the Snowman anymore.”

“That’s because I use the new and improved formula Head & Shoulders, in your grocer’s freez-“

PLAY BALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or

“Gil, I am enjoying this, you’ve been going deep lately. Not in the kiddie pool like you used to skinny-dip in.”

“Mimi, Milford Men’s Clinic just revolutionized fun in the bed with this new wheat germ oil-“

LET’S GO!!!!!!!! DON’T GO OVER THE PITCH CLOCK!!!!!!!!!!!

How about

“This is Mabel Ruth Pearl. I had a sexy 734-lb. body but I could stand to shed a few pounds.”

“That’s why she drinks the new Ultra Slim-Fast. Two delicious shakes and a sensible Marie Callender’s Sweet and-“

THAT’S YOUR WARNING!!!!!!! NEXT TIME, IT’S A BALK!!!!!!!!

Okay, Keri, go settle Dorothy Ditz down. The ump called time to pee in the cup anyway.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Denies Crabgrass Character Is Hiding Out At His Residence!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Why would Miles be over here? I haven’t seen anybody in his Hanes sleeping in Heehaw’s bed.”

Day 17 (maybe) of Fred & Wilma attempting to crack who the shaman was that was brainwashing Mud Mountain Murphy and compelling him to play like Crabgrass. Little wonder this quack and Miles were hiding in the captain’s quarters, under the bed. They only got out to take a shower to avoid being smelly. We will keep you posted about Mud’s possible Them Muddy Boots Stinking Up The Laundry Room Tour and if Miles went to the Glenwood Cruise Lounge to hide by disguising himself as a bartender as the story develops.

We now resume our regularly scheduled Gil post.

Frank raises an excellent point. High School Softball and College Softball has fortunately grown at a rapid pace the past few decades. My high school didn’t even field a team when I was roaming the hallways. But when my nephew played High School Baseball, the only time we received any radio/TV coverage was in the postseason. Now the local TV stations would broadcast highlights of regular season baseball games between high schools, especially if a conference championship was on the line. My nephew was shown once rounding 3rd base to score the winning run. It happens.

But today Thorpiverse is broadcasting this like it’s Indiana versus Purdue with Bob Knight and Gene Keady exchanging pleasantries and trash talk. The only thing missing from this North Carolina-Duke shindig is Dick Vitale. Frank, I’ll bet you and the readership will LOVE this one. One day, Dickie V. was hyping up the Tobacco Road Rivalry and he is going his usual bananas. Oh baby, it’s the Michaelangelo of coaches going up against the Disciple of The General. It’s scintillating, shimmering, sensational. Danny Ferry is a Diaper Dandy and Jerry Stackhouse is on my All-Windex team. Just spitting out the accolades. But then this just. Absolutely. Took. The. Cake. Dickie V. gets so carried away that he just blurts out “I’LL CRAWL TO THE GAME TONIGHT, BABYYYYYYYYY” and he heads towards the camera as if he was going to be true to his word. The spiel shut off, mercifully. Did we really care to see if the producer held him to that? Don’t even ask.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Marty Moon Beats Intoxication Charge!!!!!!! His Attorney Clears Up Any Possible Misunderstanding!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Our defense team explained to the judge that he was sober when he was on all fours headed to the WDIG studio.”

Fred & Wilma have yet to return to the bedroom, citing ensuring that the Fake Ravi Shankar be escorted by the Glenwood Cruise Security to the brig. We will report any connection to medical issues as this story develops. Dr. Rex Morgan has appeared on Have You Seen Me? milk cartons lately but a I Will Sing ‘Rex’s Muddy Boots’ Tour is underway. In exchange, Dr. Morgan will give a free examination to Mud Mountain Murphy on the condition he doesn’t drop his trousers. Film at 11.

If you’d crawl to the Milford Guns & Ammo Shoppe ta git yore huntin’ license renewed, ya might be a redneck.

Keri means well but she is giving the worst advice any Coach can give a player. And it’s really a contradiction in terms

“Try to relax.”

That’s normally the problem when you’re trying to settle a pitcher down, in this case. He or she have butterflies that are raging out of control and it takes coaches who need to stay calm if they want that player to do the same. Many times, it’s easier said than done but as Coach Stuard taught me “The coach is the tree, the players are the branches.” If you’re nervous, they’re nervous. If you don’t sweat, they won’t sweat. Therefore, it’s absurd to tell a kid to TRY to relax. That’s the problem. They’re trying too hard. That’s why, again, it’s important for coaches to relax themselves. They stand a better chance of the players doing the same thing. Otherwise, you might as well tell Dorothy Ditz to Hurry Up And Wait. She’s definitely running to stand still. Hmmmmmm, she and the mini-plots have something in common.

Now to interpret Keri’s other remark, my guess is that Dorothy is exaggerating her windup, which makes decent sense; when a pitcher is uptight, he or she does overextend his or her body rather than use a more fluid efficient motion that clearly works better. And in a perfect world, that advice would be well-founded and we get on with the game. Not in Thorpiverse. Somehow, other mini-plots to mini-plots will emerge and there are other ingredients that get thrown into this bowl of pottage, necessary or no. Soon, Keri will add

“Oh, and change your toenail polish. No wonder why you’re not getting any respect as a pitcher. And who’s your hairdresser? Madge? She does nails and Palmolive commercials. And have you smelled your breath? What did you eat before got here? Barbecue ribs? Did they serve the whole cow? No wonder why I didn’t see Elsie on the Borden label this afternoon at lunch. Hey, you want a Klondike Bar? Amelia’s wagon is over by the Smokemaster.”

No worries. We still have until Memorial Day to sort this all out. Amelia’s Chuck Wagon should be serving pork fritters by then.

Speaking of Gene Keady and Bob Knight, there was the time when Knight had his Texas Tech Raiders ready for, say for argument’s sake, the NCAA Tournament. Knight was set to coach against one of Keady’s former assistants (I apologize for forgetting the name) . At a luncheon, everything is going peachy until this assistant gets up to leave when Keady called his name and summoned him to the side. Saying it so that only those two could hear, Keady said softly, “Don’t let that son of a bitch beat you.”

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

”Media And The Public In Consternation At Principals Luncheon Over What The State Supervisor Of Education Whispered In Dr. Pearl’s Ear!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“‘Don’t let that son of a bitch keep his job as Mudlark Baseball Coach’ was ruled out.”

I’LL CRAWL TO THE GAME TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

“Gil, get up and hand me your concession stand reports. I have a deadline this afternoon.”

They did manage to lower the fence to reasonable dimensions. I don’t feel like I am sharing the same space with Red and Andy; Samuel Norton is nowhere in sight. We still have work to do with the polka-dotted sky. One mock job at a time.

And the foliage once again is interesting. This shouldn’t be a precursor to “Godzilla versus The Smog Trees” but I’m not entirely certain on that. If you discover leaves covered in soot and Carbon-14 lacing your latte at Coffee Cantina, the evidence is out in the open. This definitely demands a verdict even if the judge may take awhile as he is pulling a Crabgrass on us. I hope he is not in his Hanes in Gil’s closet at this point but as the musical once said, anything goes.

I’LL CRAWL TO THE GAME TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!

“Cami, don’t be THAT intimidated by the parents.”

Late Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Marty Moon Cleared Of Charges Accusing Him Of Distributing Alcohol To A Minor!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“You guys print what you want, I wouldn’t let Crabgrass touch my Bacardi & Rum if he gave me his dad’s TV. It’s busted anyway.”

What is this with the Poor Richard’s Almanac getting yanked out in the middle of the game? Then Keri, as the Gil Thorp Go Comics readers have noted, seems to be in ecstasy over flaunting the “Hook ‘em, ‘Larks” sign. Anyway, the little adage that Tami Rami Sami Ochoa is hissing, well, to tell you the truth, has nothing to do with the game at hand. Sure, we could stretch this adage and MAYBE argue that Dorothy is an extension of Keri. But the apple tree comment merely signifies “Like father, like son.” Dorothy is not the daughter of Keri and so is probably not going to sleep under the same roof with her, let alone the same bed. Dorothy isn’t going to indulge in Honey Nut Cheerios just because Keri had a bowlful. Dorothy isn’t going to bitch about the Lou Brock-for-Ernie Broglio trade just because Keri has her Bucket Burgers stuck up her butt over it. Dorothy isn’t going to crash into home plate like John Mengelt tackling the line judge to avoid the tag just because Keri did a kamikaze pilot routine into the same location. Keri just gave her a pep talk. She wasn’t explaining to Dorothy the Facts of Life. There’s a difference.

I mean, does anybody really think the next time Dorothy gets in a bases loaded, no out jam that Keri is going to tell her “A penny saved is a penny earned?” Really now.

Rob is going to kill me, Rob is going to kill me…

“Time is being called. Keri is out there now to tell Dorothy that ‘A bird in the hand is worth two in Gil’s Bud’. We’ll be back to see if that gets her out of the potential winning run crossing the plate after these messages. This is Tami Rami Sami Ochoa and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

Along a random street in Milford at 11:03PM, Milford Daylight Time

I’LL CRAWL TO GET ME HARDER!!!!!!!!!!

I’LL CRAWL TO GET ME HARDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’LL CRAWL TO GET ME HARDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Honeyyyyyyyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyyyyyyyy. Stand up and come back hoooooooommmmmeeeeeee!!!!!!!!”

“NO WAY, WOMAN!!!!!!! I told the 24-hour pharmacist-on-duty at Milford Apothecary that I would crawl to get my free Eli Lilly Pharmaceutical Sex Enhancement Pills. He agreed if I made it in the next two hours. Now git along little dawgy!!!!!!”

“Honey, I have the Milford Men’s Clinic EREC-2453 Oreo Cookie Double-Fluffy medications. They get your pumped up so nice and flaky and tender and erect. And all you have to do is open the mirror door.”

“But I talked to the pharmacist and he told me that by the time I took two with a glass of water that beavers will be chasing me to get all the wood they need. It’s nice to get horny and get a guest spot on Wild Kingdom.”

“Darling, you won’t make it at the rate you’re going. It’ll be 4:00AM and they’ll dispense of the medicines in the garbage truck to be burned into the atmosphere.”

“Like Hell they will, Mrs. Shaw!!!!!! They know my credit’s good. They know I’ll call if I have any problem getting there in time. I just have to get over the track by the time the Milford & Oakwood Express make their nightly run to the coal mine. I promise, there won’t be any Carbon-14 or lumpiness in our sex life after I get to the Apothecary window.”

“But you can get on my track and there’s no time limit. And this caboose wants the engine to ride all over its back so we can make more railroad cars.”

“Woman, did the horse take a piss break on the Pony Express? Did they bring a stapler to nail down the last spike at Promontory Point? Did Zebulon Pike ride on Pokey and let Gumby carry the supplies up Pikes Peak? Sometimes you have to stand up and be a man by crawling as if you were going to sneak into King Tut’s residence and blow him up and the rest of the Commies and whoever Hell else made bombs at Tarshish. That’s how Sodom and Gomorrah got its comeuppance.”

“I wish you’d crawl all over me because I assure you there are no land mines except the ones in your head.”

“Leave me in peace, dear!!!!!! I still have an hour and forty-three minutes. My patella is killing me but I will play through the pain-“

The Milford Animal Control shows up

“Ma’am, have you curbed your Saint Bernard? I saw some dog doo at the children’s playground down the street.”

“My patellas felt like Edy’s Soft Vanilla anyway. It was time to ‘fess up and get off the mat and conquer the problem. Conquer it I did. Them Fluffy Cookies may have given me the worst case of Oreo Halsitosis but me and my honey got under them sheets and thrust and partied to the crack of dawn. And we ain’t stopping any time in the near future. If you want the cream to dip your Chips Ahoy into, get your derrière down to Milford Men’s Clinic today and dunk your donuts in bed and at breakfast time. Only at The Clinic.”

Gang, Hurried work is worried work. Hey, I heard that from The Skipper on Gilligan’s Island. Why can’t it work with Dorothy when she’s in a bases-loaded jam? Think about it.

And God bless you, Gang.

BRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIINNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!!

BRRRRRRR-

“Hello?”

“Dickie V.? Tami Rami Sami called in. Can you do the game on Saturday?”

“SHOOT, I’LL CRAWL TO THE GAME-“

“Dickie V., this isn’t Duke-North Carolina. It’s another Milford JV game.”

Yas Queen, Be Careful What You Wish For

Oh look, Mimi’s back in town, officially handing over the reins of jayvee softball to Cami. Mimi’s off to coach golf… where? Milford High? Scottsdale? We’ve been missing some Mimi (and Meemaw) updates to fill in where they are on their respective journeys. I trust Henry will fill us in on those in his own good time, maybe by July.

Cami’s posting the softball roster fairly realistically. Sometimes coaches post them before giving notice to the players that they’ve been posted, but they pretty much never hang out to watch the kids look at them. Why open yourself to questions about who made the cut and didn’t? Not that standing there with a bunch of your peers to see who made the cut and who didn’t isn’t awkward enough. I remember having similar feelings in grad school when exam grades got posted. They were posted by Social Security number and, as mine was significantly different than everyone else’s in my class, folks could figure out which one was mine straight away. I was glad when they changed to posting by only the last four digits of our SSNs.

Keri’s nemesis Dorothy has made the team; how did Keri know about that on Friday? Dorothy’s slip about making it “on her own” is leading. Did a family member have pull in getting her on the cheerleading squad? Not as much as Gil did after getting Keri a slap on the wrist for bringing a butter knife to school kicking Dorothy’s #&% . Dot’s got some knuckles of her own now, so maybe Keri should think twice before reenacting kicking her #&%.

Then again, Dorothy’s a leftie; maybe she and Keri will find some common ground.

Madison Time, just not the kind you’d expect

“It’s what Coach Thorp and I will be doing while you’re playing softball. Duh.” Come on, man, you can’t start a strip off with a loaded question like that and not expect some juvenile retort! The questions from the parents aren’t too farfetched, so kudos for that.

The answer to the third question is “so you don’t call us with questions like the first one.” I’d like to see what they do with question two, though. Between the kids always eating at The Bucket or Ricozzi’s Pizza and the preseason sloppy joes, sports nutrition has kinda gotten short shrift in Milford. No place in the program for HooDad’s and vapes.

Bigger question: Why the focus on Milford JV softball and not varsity? (And since when do jayvees have postseason tournaments? No, really. If any of y’all have examples, please leave them in the comments.) Did they lose too many upperclasswomen to graduation and ODs? It happens IRL sometimes; there’s a big gap between age cohorts and schools just drop the program for a season or two until the next cohort ages in.

But back to this New Haven thing. Is henryjbarajas throwing out recent canon (goodbye, Luckey Haskins?) and taking the strip back to its Connecticut roots? He promised big news in his comment on GoComics today. Breath bated!

We of course cannot have Madison Time without, you know, Madison Time. This one’s in honor of our old friend and TWIM’s former big toe, nedryerson. Here’s hoping life’s treating you kindly, ned, wherever you are.

Apologies for the late post. I lost a (much longer) draft that I thought I’d saved.

“Sorry, Rodney, You’re Not Getting My Bud Light.”

“Ohhhhhhhh, Coach, they had to amputate this morning. Then my back feels like somebody stuck a sword up my coccyx. I have cancer of the retina and can barely read the eye chart even when it’s highlighted. I have leukocytes running all around my spleen and blood is running all over my ulna and radius. I am puking up six ways to Sunday. I’m getting my rabies shot in an hour. Oh God, Coach, ya gotta help me get delivered from distemper!!!!!!!!!”

“I feel ya, Rodney. But you’re still not getting my Bud Light.”

Surely you remember that Budweiser Light commercial from the ‘80’s when some smarmy bleeding-heart jerk is fishing with his daddy somewhere at Fish & Wildlife USA and this jerk is pouring out a river ululating that he really is enamored with his dad.

“Sorry, Johnny, you’re not getting my Bud Light.”

Unsuccessful, Mr. Jerk leans the other way towards his brother

“Joe-“

“Forget it, Johnny.”

This whole shebang arose when I saw the bottles being dumped in the room and my imagination started running wilder than Luke’s preening of himself. Since when do people cart bottles of Dad’s Root Beer up the elevator and sneak it past the nurse’s desk? Oh, don’t mind us, Nurse Ratched. We know he’s afflicted with malaria but we thought the sugar rush would at least keep him awake.

And it’s not like I haven’t witnessed this first hand. When my nephew played high school baseball his senior year, he violently collided with the center fielder(he played right field) on a tweener fly ball. It was scary and something I don’t ever want to go through again. Riding in the ambulance and watching him babbling incoherently was not a pleasant experience. Thankfully, many prayers and notes of encouragement and a great medical staff got him back on his feet. It was bittersweet because his high school career was over but he would live and live very well. I’m very proud of him for what he accomplished.

So again, I can relate to Rodney. Why Thorpiverse has to turn this into Miller Time is the $64,000 question. Like what are you going to tell the cashier at Milford Beverage Warehouse?

“Wow!!!!!!! Two cases of Michelob, two bags of Cheetos, four bags of Lay’s Sour Cream & Onion, and some Totino’s Supreme Reduced Fat Pizzas!!!!!!!!! Must be some party.”

“Nah, Rodney got blitzed when Luke backed up the wrong way in the parking lot. He’s day-to-day but the EEG tests were hopeful.”

This is absurd. A few weeks ago, Kareem was running the team into the ground because the team was not in tip-top condition. I remember reading about one major league manager who, after a gut-wrenching loss one night, had everybody line up along one of the foul lines. He had everybody run from there to the outfield fence and back. Many players came back hacking and wheezing and puking up dinner that afternoon.

He made his point.

Moreover, Buddy Ryan, when he started coaching the Philadelphia Eagles after his acrimonious split with Mike Ditka, conducted a fitness test to weed out the ones who’d been snarfing one Twinkie too many. This one player who had been released from another club went through Ryan’s grueling, grueling challenge. And he was barfing in every direction on the football turf. This prompted Ryan to say

“I knew I shouldn’t have taken a chance on a loser who got claimed off of waivers. He thinks 8-8 is a Super Bowl season.”

And it’d be like the Mudlarks going through one of Ryan’s Road to Glory Goes Through Hell workouts only to watch the game get won on an errant slam dunk that won the Valley Conference Slam Dunk Contest after Rodney got smacked with a chairback from Jerry Lawler. God, T-verse thinks mediocre plots are Classic Literature. Nathaniel Hawthorne writing Richie Rich. You want anti-climactic, you’ll get plenty of it in Mudlarkland. Oh, thanks, Kareem, we appreciate your heading the President’s Physical Fitness Program. Now run along and let Rodney get run over by a Union Pacific; we’ll win it filing a protest or question the refs on a correctable error, whichever will get us to baseball faster.

In Dr. Pearl’s office one afternoon, her 1905 Close ‘n’ Play churning out Grateful Dead’s “American Beauty”

“Look, I’ll file all your Hospital Visits-Basketball Injury Reports-Boys and Girls Summaries-2015; I don’t have a lot to do anyway.”

“Gil, for the last time, you’re not getting my Bud Light.”

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Found Regurgitating On Random City Block!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford Lounge owner: ‘I knew we shouldn’t have served Jalapeños Black Eyed Peas for appetizers during Happy Hour.’”

And over on the Glenwood Across The Month Of March And April In One Package Deal, Fred & Wilma decide to stay after three weeks of deliberating, even though Mud Mountain Murphy got religion. They will go ahead and use the Time Share Cabin and therefore Gil and Mimi will have to sleep in the laundry next to Heehaw’s cot. Fred & Wilma will not discuss Denying The Consequent in logic, pointing out they’ve wasted enough time wondering if Ravi Shankar is really Red Sovine. They will take a stroll and MAYBE (Wilma’s words) go to the bedroom. Wilma, there’s no McDonald’s Drive-Thru smack dab in the middle of the Bay of Bengal. Working on your free throw percentage on the ship’s asphalt basketball courts can wait. WILL THEY FINALLY COPULATE???? WILL IT TAKE FRED THREE WEEKS TO DISPLAY HIS WARD CLEAVER BOXER SHORTS TO WILMA????? Don’t lose sleep on this one is all I ask.

Whoever did Tobe’s hair also more than likely did the floral arrangement in the background. You can never have too many rose petals in blue hair. It is indeed nice that Rodney received a plethora of get well cards and I wouldn’t be surprised that none of them belong to Luke. That’s too classy. I couldn’t see Dick Dastardly sending a Be Of Good Cheer singing telegram and the FTD florist to Penelope Pitstop when she’s undergoing breast cancer treatments.

“Pheeeewwwwwiieeeeee!!!!!!! Who threw a stink bomb in Rodney’s room?”

“Oh, I forgot to mention, Luke informed me he was FedEx’ing a sympathy message.”

The only thing missing in this Budweiser Moment are the Clydesdales. Don’t put it past T-verse. If they could finagle Radar’s Grape Nehi’s past the Pinkertons, shoot, just use the service elevator and bring a shovel in case any Clydesdale’s got the runs, close the curtain once they sidle into Rodney’s room, voila!!!!!! Talking about the upcoming baseball season, sipping on a Nehi and stroking a Clydesdale on his chest? It don’t get no better than this. Okay, that’s an Old Milwaukee slogan, not a Bud slogan but don’t rain on my parade. Don’t ruin this moment. Let Gil snuggle with Mr. Ed with a Gerst on n his hand and shut up.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Valley Tech Prospect Vomits All Over Luke Lunkhead’s Wrestling Outfit!!!!!!!!! Subsequently Cut From Team!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I knew he couldn’t cut it once he climbed the third floor of the bank tower. Everybody over at New Thayer thought scaling a kiddie slide was like conquering Mt. Everest.”

In Gil’s office

“Oh Kaz, please don’t leave us. I never thought I’d say this but I loved you as our assistant. So did our kids. Don’t take that job at Milford Boys Club as the maintenance technician, our plots will come to a screeching halt.”

“Forget it, Gil, you’re not getting my Bud Light.”

I am not getting a good feeling when Gil in P2 is ripping the bottle cap right off the Bud bottle. I can well imagine the ensuing conversation

“Rodney (hiccup) , I just want to let you know (burrrrrppppp) that we were thinking (belllccchhhhhhhh) of you and anything (hiccup) we can do to make it better (retch) , let us know. You want us to order (snorrrrtttttttt) your hospital food now? Do you want one or two pieces of (hiccup) fried zucchini?”

I mean, I’m sorry. When Fred is about to shake that thang in front of Wilma and cause a minor tremor on the cruise ship, do you think Fred is going to slurp a Grape Nehi FIRST?????I’ve heard of mating rituals but they usually left Radar O’Reilly out of the closet. Why we have to have Gil with a Lowenbrau while Rodney is under sedation after surgery to remove his tonsils is beyond my sanity. Oh, and marigolds Gil dug up out of Mimi’s garden that were overrun with millworms anyway.

On Glenwood Cruise Across The Universe tourlines

“Got to scrap that doggie doody off your shoes, Wilma.”

“Oh Fred, you say the dirtiest things. What else from ‘Exile on Main Street’ can you quote?”

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Final Cuts Will Be Announced Today By Coach Ochoa At Baseball Tryouts!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Those that can eat a Mud Mountain Murphy Cheesecake and run a 6-minute mile without choking it up will be our A Team.”

P2 also reminds me of a movie with Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda called “Yours, Mine, and Ours”. Both played widowed parents with large families, Fonda playing Frank Beardsley, with ten kids and Ball, playing Helen North, with eight kids. It’s a semi-regimented bunch, given Frank’s job as an officer in the U.S. Navy and Helen working as a civilian on Frank’s naval base.
As they’re getting to know each other, one night Frank invites Helen over for dinner, to the minor resentment of the kids (eighteen of them, remember) . The older Beardsley boys play a prank on Helen by spiking her iced tea with gin, vodka, and scotch. Helen is so stone drunk by the time dinner commences that when the family says Grace, Helen is uncontrollably hiccuping as the words are reverently spoken. The coup de grace was when Helen, attempting unsuccessfully to scoop mashed potatoes out of a bowl because she’s too inebriated to lift a toothpick, finally musters a glop but when she then tries to place them on one of the children’s plate, the glop plops down in that child’s lap. Frank is not surprisingly upset. Speaking as a naval officer, he bellows out to the culprits “The court of inquiry is now in session!” The boys finally admit their guilt and apologize.

I’d laugh if Gil got so buzzed off of Hoodad’s, he plops the hospital mashed potatoes into the roses.

“Here, have some peach cobbler, Rodney, whoopsy daisy. Nurse, can we get a dish rag and a mop?”

“It’s okay, Coach. I have to change my gown in a few minutes anyway. And don’t worry about the roses. They clip them every hour and the meat loaf scraps should all be gone by then.”

“Honey Love Dove Baby Buggy Bumpers Sweetie Tweetie, Lily Lollipop Candy Andy Raggedy Ann Doll of Fortune With a Plump Cherry on a Chocolate Dream Pie in Never Never Land with Peter Pan’s Prized Possession-“

“Mr. Dr. Pearl, you can not have the last Bud Light. I’m saving it for my tea party tomorrow.”

“Fred, are you sure that Ravi Shankar isn’t in this room?”

“Wilma, would I boldly go where no man has gone before and expose the sexy hair follicles on my chest? When foreplay is at its acme when I put on a Harold Stassen toupee?”

Yeah, let’s drink to the christening of the Titanic over some bottles of Hoodad’s. Makes perfect sense to me. When Lou Gehrig gave his Luckiest Man Alive speech, somebody slipped a Hoodad’s in his back pocket in case his speech caused parched vocal cords. Washington crossed the Delaware after his troops had breakfast comprised of eggs, grits, bacon, and Hoodad’s. Breakfast of Champions. Rodney will set the world on fire and break Aaron Judge’s home run record one day and it was all because the Resident Nurse allowed to drink a Hoodad’s when he was ingesting Carvedilol. I just hope I’m alive when he is making history. I wouldn’t want to be left out of the Hoodad’s Hoopla.

In other news…

On the Glenwood Cruise Across Ravi Shankar’s Estate Behind The Taj Mahal And The Agra 7-11

“Fred, that moonlight is so romantic. I am in estrus. Shall we go to more intimate quarters?”

“Uhhhhhhh, Wilma, I hear The Police are doing the midnight show. They’re playing all of ‘Zenyatta Mondatta’.

“Can’t that wait? They’re doing an afternoon show tomorrow with Chet Atkins. We’ll have time to enjoy our musical pursuits even if Mud Mountain Murphy took sabbatical at an ashram in Bangladesh.”

“Gee, look at Ted Turner!!!!! Is he still competing as a yachtsman? Somebody throw him a life raft if he collides with this ship. I wouldn’t want another Titanic incident. Hey, Ted, you still have sex with Jane????”

“Speaking of which, Fred-“

“And look!!!!!! The captain told me that the sharks and porpoises come out at 11:00!!!!!! They stage a simulated battle to the delight of the kiddies. It’s like Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show, only in the ocean. I think the sharks are the cowboys and the porpoises are the Indians. Moby Dick is Buffalo Bill himself.”

“Speaking of Moby Dick, is yours sufficiently pumped for our honey-“

“Why don’t we get a bite to eat first? All that waiting for three weeks to see if Mud was going to play like Wet Willie or Lawrence Welk really worked up an appetite. I heard there’s a Burger King on the third deck. The Wild-Caught Speckled Tuna Fish Whopper is to die for.”

“Your motives smell like tuna fish, I’ll concede that. Now why don’t we go hand-in-hand and go to Never Never Land and find treasure when we get there.”

“Wilma, I like Todd Rundgren too but I can’t rise to the occasion until we first play a game of Air Hockey in the Recreation Hall. I’ll be ramming it into your net and loving every minute of it.”

“You can still do that without the hockey stick.”

“But I’m scoring points!!!!!! And the trophy is going to look swell next to the possum head trophy on the wall in my den.”

“Fred, are you ashamed to admit that the possum head is BIGGER than your prized possession?”

“Are you talking about my dad’s art?”

“Not really.”

Later

“I’m afraid Wilma scored some points herself. And when my prized possession rivaled Coach Thorp’s, we went as a team down to Milford Men’s Clinic. They gave us the EREC-3405 Comfortably Numb and Hard injections and Gil got immediate results. Let’s just say Cami will be running baseball practice for a while because Gil is having too much fun. And I grab Wilma even during the cruiseline’s Ice Cream Break. We make our own hot fudge sundae and brownies never tasted better. I throw the cherry they stick on top out the porthole in the ocean but Wilma doesn’t mind. We still have the icing on the cake and that’s with the Milford Men’s Clinic Discount Card I use all the time. Come get your own Betty Crocker and lay down with her after you’ve eaten her carrot cake only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, Fred was not with Aerosmith at one time. Did you ever see his picture on “Get Your Wings” or “Toys in the Attic” or Night in the Ruts”? Rest my case.

“Oh, Wilma, we shall spend forever wrapped in each other’s embrace and I shall cherish the luscious mess of your lips in a moment of El Dorado with your sensuous body an elixir for my sexual ardor and ever able to more than satisfy my libido until the Twelfth of Never.”

“Fred, you better do better than that if you really want my Bud Light.”