This Week in Milford

July 11, 2020

Do you feel like I do??

Filed under: general nonsense, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, lessons learned — robmize2013 @ 4:47 pm

Yes I’m posting almost a day late, but my main problem was I couldnt copy or find the strip anywhere for some reason. Now it works, so I’ll do a quick post.

So in the end as always, all is forgiven. Gil tells the dopes at State about the farce that was the head to head matchup of the century, which turned into a picnic. And THAT was what sealed the deal for the Mayor to get into this joint they call a college?? Sheesh.

Time for a song:\

July 5, 2020

Baseball, pizza, apple subs, and… Ice Cream??

As much as we all wish our colleague Teenchy a swift recovery from whatever is ailing him, the first thought that crossed my mind when I heard about his condition was.. the strip was finally so far off the tracks that it made him physically ill.

And I’m sure thats not far off for the rest of us.

How on Gods green earth is this happening? We start off with the promise of a possibly exciting matchup thats so unknown that we dream of a memorable conclusion that will have the Milfordites talking about it the rest of the summer.

What we got is…not even close. How much food can these players eat in the first place to be able to play at any level resembling competitive when its already 90 degrees or so out (Yes its summer, we knew that before the game started)? I mean, really. During a normal athletic event most players are happy enough with water or Gatorade. This is like a Thanksgiving dinner for chrissake. And these kids are supposed to play with all these carbs and calories and sweets laid out for them?

I had already mentioned the umpire and the fans– did they know what was coming? Nope. Whoever planned this foodfest has shit for brains. And thats putting it mildly.

So I wont belabor their noble efforts to keep observing the constant interruptions in their job (ump) and their free time (fans). Which in any world beside ours would lead to downright mutiny.

Thank God they didnt charge admission for this or they’d be storming the Basilica.

Wherever this storyline is headed from here, somebodys got some major explaining to do. And I cant believe they have a rational one.

Get well soon Teenchy!!

 

June 24, 2020

Ladies and Gentlemen, Your Valley Modified Freakazoids!

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Somehow the worst kept secret in the Valley is out and everyone with nothing better to do has come come out in full force in anticipation of a pummeling. Gaze in wide wonder at the pantheon of headgear on display: a Kangol cap, a pith helmet, some kind of biker cap along with your usual flatbills. Imagine why pith helmet lady feels the need to record this event. Marvel at the number of baby bottles being held by grown-ass adults. Question about those sketchy figures in the background on the grassy knoll. Try your hardest not the meet the gaze of the child of the corn down in front, who is as incredulous that this has drawn a crowd as you are.

The ex-Mayor of Milford High, ever the attention whore, shows up with team t-shirts, clearly inspired by a cartoon that aired about five years before they were born. (Or not; there could be twentysomethings on that Valley Mod team.)

 

 

 

Who sprung for those shirts? Were they a Valley Mod graphic arts project? Did somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody call in a favor? Talk amongst yourselves.

We know the Mudlarks’ motivation for playing this game, but what was Gil and Kaz’s for letting them play it? Taking Hiawatha James’ “more baseball is better than less baseball” statement as a hint, it could be that the ‘Larks are either already done with their season or have already been eliminated from playdown contention. This really feels like a lose-lose for Milford, no matter whether the team follows the catcher with his H.R. Giger-inspired headgear’s advice or not. At this point, all we can do is sit back, watch the wackiness ensue, and hope for the best that we only have three more strips of this nonsense (my bet is on nine).

April 29, 2020

That Peanut Butter Isn’t the Only Thing Nutso Around Here

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Looks like Gil Thorp has a new sponsor, Nutso Peanut Butter. Wonder if Nutso’s from the same people who brought you Nutboy. Either the Nutso mascot is foreshadowing Phoebe and The Mayor’s next encounter by making his O face or else he’s reenacting Mr. Peanut’s fall to his death.

Other random observations:

  1. Peanut butter on a bagel is not that unusual. Then again this is Milford, home of Schultz’s Polynesian Garden, so anything beyond white bread might be scandalous.
  2. Dunno about La Bus, but Le Bus is a Philadelphia bakery of long standing that’s facing the same troubles many small businesses in this country are right now.
  3. Where is that bagel, exactly? They’re not that hard to draw.
  4. What kind of idiot brings peanut butter into a classroom in this century? (Don’t answer that.)
  5. What kind of idiot brings a knife into a classroom in this century? Not one who’s in the class with Chance Macy.
  6. Either that’s an awkward facepalm* or Phoebe’s fixin’ to break into an awkward Batusi.
  7. Is that the late Kenny Rogers or Dr. Krieger from Archer teaching this Southern Gothic Literature course?
  8. If Flannery O’Connor’s name is invoked, can peacocks be far behind?
  9. If peacocks are involved, can rally hippos be far behind? (Considering Jamila’s still on the team, I’d give it even odds.)

 

*”Facepalm” might be a good tag to add to our “Categories & Tags” list. Will give it some thought.

April 9, 2020

How To Foil The Dalton Gang And Still Play Left Field.

Filed under: exposition comics, general nonsense, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 8:40 am

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As I told Teenchy yesterday, I thought Barry Bader was a thing of the past. Do we have to deal with his evil twin? This is somewhat like “I Sing The Body Electric” where the kids have a robot for a grandma who eventually also becomes their nanny. A Mrs. Barry Bader running on Eveready batteries tucking the kiddies in bed? And she eats Flushee Puffs out of the tuna can on her lunch break? You get the feeling Thorpiverse will not run out of plot ideas at the rate we’re going. I should have kept those old Snappy Dog Food labels and THEN started to write. I would have finished “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner” by now.

Boy, doncha just love one humanoid running out of juice and being put away and ya yank another out of the closet, put the battery cables in the next one, wait an hour, then call him The Mayor?

“Okay, Barry, we’re going to put you back in the closet. You did enough damage to the plot. You did an excellent job while you were an electronic gadget being a horse’s ass and a spoiled brat and a cancer to the team. Oh, and you took somebody out in a game, said something about the umpire’s mother, and you’re dad wound up in Marion, Illinois. Well done, thou good and faithful robot.”

And I guess I could handle The Positronic Man if he wasn’t eating his Wheaties off of a garbage can lid. It’s bad enough that he is fabricating stories but keep this sanitary, Thorpiverse. I really don’t care to hear about how The Positronic Man used a machine gun on Al Capone when Capone was trying to rob the Milford Gambling Casino while The Positronic Man is slurping Green Eggs and Ham out of a Glad 28-Galllon Tall Kitchen Trash Bag. Downin’ it with Mudlar-K-Cola Diet Black Cherry from the GIL mug that Gil slobbered Eight o’ Clock Decaf out of an hour before, boy, I hope my stomach can hold its own while reading about how somebody upchucked his Total cereal and still had good aim on Jesse James, even though Frank James got away when The Positronic Man had to endure one more dry heave.

This plot’s gettin’ off the ground and flyin’ to the moon in one spoonful of Rice Chex, ya think?

 

Because I was intrigued by Detroit being rejected 7 times to host The Olympics as I read recently

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Rejected By The Committee A Record 14th Time By The International Olympic Committee”!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Asphalt not drying on the high school track in a sufficient amount of time cited as a factor in the decision.”

 

And as long Thorpiverse is going to throw The Positronic Man at us TWIMers, we might as well go whole hog and list the 3 rules every Gil-a-Tronic player must follow if he wants to be on the team

1) Do no harm and do everything possible to help the team, even if it means throwing yourself in front of a Milford & Oakwood Express Mail train. Chamoionships were produced from the debris left on the rails.

2) Obey everything Gil says even to the point of jumping off the Mudlark Girls Gym building except if it were to conflict with Rule #1. Common sense is in order at certain hours of the day.

3) A Gil-a-Tronic Man is to preserve himself and not let himself get blindsided especially when interviewing with Marty Moon, except if it were to conflict with Rule #1 and Rule #2. Keeping the world on top for Democracy and keeping Marty Moon on tap is the lifeline for The Gil-a-Tronic Man.

 

Well, The Mayor is certainly doing no harm in P1 with the The Penguin batting stance (gotcha again, Robmize-ha) , flouting his exploits which we’re sure to get an earful of in the coming weeks. Just don’t pull a Willie Stargell on us and do a simulated warm-up swing in the batter’s box. Much as I respected Willie’s game (big time, 2 rings to show for it) , we do have the rest of the season to think about. Remember, The Gil-a-Tronic Man has to observe Rule #1 and not wipe out the rest of the locker room with your swinging for the fences and/or going “Pops” on your teammates. Otherwise, The Gil-a-Tronic Man is going to get lonely out in left field.

Gil shouting from the dugout

CAME YOUR WAY IN LEFT, CENTER, AND RIGHT, GIL-A-TRONIC MAN!!!!!!!!!!!

Rest my case

 

Special Edition to The Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Upset That IOC Passed Over Milford Once Again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We had the Milford Parks & Recreation Adult Flag Football Field resodded this week. It would have been an international display case for the shot put and the javelin throw.”

 

And we get to the heart of the issue in P2. And I just LOVE running into people who stretch the truth in many different directions. I used to go to church with a guy who showed me his yearbook at his house and talked about how he was a 4.0 student and he was the starting point guard on the basketball team. He would have fit right on the Mudlarks bench, next to the 6th Man.

Anyway, of course, when I didn’t see his mug in the photo shoot of the Varsity Basketball team, he naturally said that he was sick in bed with the flu that day. Sure, Gil-a-Tronic Man wannabe, I understand. COVID-19 kept a lot of liars under the sheets that day.

And of course, he would brag about his adventures at Entebbe, that he was the first one at the airport and he blasted the first two hijackers and the SWAT team mopped up after that. Winning in a rout, it’s Miller Time, SWAT dudes.

And I swallowed it even though the authenticity was obviously buried in The Mayor’s Baggie under the parsley. And I would have ridden off into the sunset with the shit piled as high as those double-decker trees until he started bragging how he was the one that said “Remember the Alamo” at San Juan Hill. How he shoveled Roosevelt’s horse’s droppings. Pseudo-Gil-a-Tronic Man, if you’re going to prevaricate, is there any way you could keep the time period within our lifetime? And be a little more proper? There’s kids reading this blog.

But THAT’S what we appear to be facing in our anti-hero for the next few weeks. Oh boy.

 

“Don’t sit on top of the dugout, Gil-a-Tronic Man”

“But Master Thorp, I am only obeying Rule #2. They said this plot is getting so bad, they’ll be raining eggs and tomatoes before too long. We wouldn’t have a coach if you got buried in the avalanche.”

“Need an umbrella?”

 

And is this all of Hiawatha James’ job description on this strip, dunk the basketball, look stupid with that Mr T.-a-Tronic hairdo in the locker or dugout, be a wet blanket for somebody else’s How I Spent My Off-Season essay/comedy schtick? Didn’t I post when Barry Bader was Badering about his role on the team and ‘watha’s rapier wit shot BB Gun down into the corn field adjacent to the Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Orientation Building? It seems like his only function is post up, deliver the Jay Leno punchline.

There’s hope. Remember, Kirk Gibson only had one at-bat in the ’88 World Series. If ‘watha can shoot down Dennis Eckersley or The Mayor, he has a career at the Milford Comedy Club.

 

“…do I look like, Keith Smart with only one shot?”

“Gil, why are the Indiana fans leaving?”

 

Weekly Supplement to the Milford Enquirer, replete with 13,643 ad sections

“Milford City Council Orders Shutdown On Milford Natatorium After IOC Snub!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Spokesperson said diving board was damaged after Coach Shaw performed a swan dive; repairs will be implented in the next 10 days in conformity with IOC regulations.”

 

 

At the top of the Milford Federal Credit Union Building, by the observation deck, the Milford Police is trying to talk The Gil-a-Tronic Man off the ledge

“No!!!!!! No!!!!!! Gil-a-Tronic Man!!!!!!!!! Even Rule #3 says you can’t do any harm to yourself!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Except if it’s meant to save another human being as in Rule #2. And with this plot heading towards the sewer, it’s a matter of time before the plot puts the constituency to sleep. Then the Communists will cross the border and it’s only a matter of time before Chairman Mao occupies 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and Pytor Ilyich Lenin occupies Gil’s office. Then you really WILL have a non-coach, but this time with an Iron and Sickle in the gym.”

JUMP, GIL-A-TRONIC MAN, JUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

And P3 is just vintage Thorpiverse. When confronted with reality, does Barry Bader Jr. admit the story just might be a tad prefabricated? Nope, he’s got to employ selective memory.

“Gee, I can’t remember how I injured my butt. It’s a coin flip between when I slipped off the rope when I was walking on the tightrope over the Grand Canyon or there was a wet spot in the hallway after someone spilled Mudlar-K-Cola. I’ll give you a final answer tomorrow in the Physics Lab.”

On second thought, Hiawatha James reminds me of a scene in the movie “Patton” when Patton has taken over command in North Africa and makes the rounds inspecting the troops, mess hall, offices, barracks, etc. When he catches a sentry sleeping, he kicks the living shit out of the soldier. The soldier is visibly annoyed but when he realizes it’s Patton, he gives him a very hasty salute. Patton responded

“Keep on going. You’re about the only son of a bitch around here who knows what he’s doing.”

After kicking Barry Bader Jr. in the head, I’d say the same about Hiawatha James.

 

“And we’ll be back to see if Barry Bader Jr. can finish his swim across the English Channel with a 50-pound anvil tied to him and no shark repellant on another exciting episode of ‘You Asked For It’ after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

At Coach Shaw’s house, Mrs. Shaw pounding on the linen closet door

 

“Honeyyyyyyyyy, come out of closet!!!!!!!! I know you have it dead-bolted but I’m hornnnnyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“No way, Darling. The Positronic Man must never do any harm. If I were to engage in copulation with a cue stick, our sex lives would be ruined. I am following Rule #1 to the letter.”

“But why don’t you follow Rule #2 and obey my orders so we can go to bed and have some fun. Even a cue stick deals with lots of balls.”

“Ball one, blubba blubba, ball two, yer out, well, you see, Rule #3 says I must never do harm to myself. Going in and out, in and out, in and out with a ginsu knife might cut like a knife but it wouldn’t feel right. And how would we carve the turkey? I’d have to go to the Kwikee Mart on Thanksgiving and snag some plastic cutlery off the shelves.”

“Paper, plastic, Honey, I don’t care what silverware you use, why don’t you pretend I’m pumpkin pie and dig into me? Even The Positronic Man sits down with his master at the table at Thanksgiving.”

“And get Stove Top Stuffing all over me? Do you realize how that shit messes up the wiring in my gadgetry? I’ll be spitting out dried croutons and be awash in cranberry sauce. I couldn’t keep the earth safe from aliens from outer space with mashed potatoes and Flushee Puffs all over my uniform!!!!!!!!”

“Even The Positronic Man uses napkins. You can’t disobey that one.”

 

“She had me there. And the moths were eating through my wiring anyway. She sent me down to Milford Men’s Clinic to give my significant other the once-over. With proven treatment programs that work, isn’t it time YOU obeyed rule #2 and obeyed your sexual instincts. Coming from the Planet of Robotics never felt better. Come get charged at Milford Men’s Clinic today. You’ll be glad you did.”

 

Gang, you mean the world to me. In fact, when I get done climbing the Golden Gate Bridge, I’ll be sure to read every one of your comments.

 

At the Milford & Oakwood RR crossing one fine day

VVVVVVVRRRRRRROOOOOMMMMMMMM

“Oh no, Gil. I knew I shouldn’t have bought her Cutty Sark at discount at Milford Beverage Warehouse!!!!!!”

“OMG!!!!!!!!!!! She’ll be cut in a million pieces!!!!!!!!!!!!”

At the crossing

“Grandma Thorp, are you OK????”

“Yes, just a few scratches on my knees but I’m fine. Where’s the pram?”

“Keri caught it before the train could do any damage.”

“Grandma Thorp, I thought for sure the train made you Chop Suey.”

“Oh, Jaime, that’s the beauty of robots and bad plots. They may get torn to pieces but they always get back up.”

I Sing The Body Gil

 

Tomorrow’s headline in the Milford Enquirer running through the presses

“City Commission Seeks Bond Issue To Finance Olympic Basketball At Mudlark Gym In ’24 Games!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Funds earmarked towards 5,000 seat expansion should run on schedule and construction slated for next week.”

 

March 30, 2020

Will The Mayor Be Ready??

Filed under: ?, general nonsense, Just plain sad — nedryerson @ 5:35 am

03302020

A bright, brisk Spring morning sees Tom Muench pick up Mark Godleski. So this is the beginning of the new plot. Tom Muench was name checked a few times in the just ended crapshow that was the Schuring/Watson, um, show of crap. Godleski is probably new. I don’t think I remember his name. Billy?

I have two questions so far. What is going on with Muench’s car? Does he go mudding in his four door sedan? Maybe he lives on a dirt road. I guess this is Spring in Milford. Dirty, melting snow on the roads could be involved. Does Muench’s ride have undercoating?

The second question concerns “The Mayor”. I assume it’s a nickname, like Ossie Davis’ character in Do The Right Thing. (Technically he was “Da Mayor“.)  Anybody nicknamed The Mayor in this context has the inside track as standout self-aggrandizing character for this season’s plot.

March 5, 2020

This Farce Is On The House.

03052020

7:14PM-We did stake-out in front of the Milford Public Library. My partner, Bill Gannon, was munching on his 7th Baconator w/ Swiss Cheese while I was about to smoke through my carton of Bel-Air’s. We were sure the illegal operation was going through the doors of what was once a Carnegie Library but we had to be careful. We couldn’t ID a patron’s library card without a warrant and we also didn’t want to blown away by a little old lady with an Uzi under her collection of mystery novels like Sue Grafton’s “M is for Milford”.

We hit paydirt. A gentleman who exhibited the ugliest Mr. T filament I had ever seen since they cancelled “The A-Team” walked into front entrance with more test aids than Barron’s. And I had a hunch he wasn’t headed to one of the conference rooms for a book discussion on Ray Bradbury’s “Golden Apples of the Sun.”

“Police officers!!!!!!!! Get your hands up and spread ’em out!!!!!!! Bill, frisk ’em for any weapons!!!!!!!”

“Mr. Friday, if you have overdue library items, we can renew them for 3 more weeks. You have 1 renewal allowance left.”

“Don’t try anything cute. I know you have illegal shipments of PSAT exams somewhere. Bill, check under the Xerox copier.”

“Mr. Friday, I assure you, we haven’t any illegal materials or drugs. And if we see or hear anything suspicious, we do our duty as citizens to call the police.”

“That’s what the commander at Pearl Harbor said and there were bombs in his file cabinet. Don’t try to cover this bomb or the judge will convict you on a Section 75, Article 401, “Illegal Storage of Educational and Public Institutional Reading Provisions Within and On General Library Property”. A confession now will lighten the sentence.”

“Joe, maybe she’s right. All I found at the copier was the crossword puzzle section out of the Milford Enquirer. Somebody forgot to take it off the glass.”

“Awwwwrrightt, you were lucky this time. But if I spot so much as a take-home portion of the SAT on the Fiction shelves, I’m gonna run you in and you better have a good lawyer. We’ll be back.”

 

Gang, you Dirty Harry buffs remember the scene where a psycho who’s on a killing rampage pays this bruiser to beat the tar out of him so that this psycho can frame the police and make it appear like police brutality? This bully just keeps beating him and beating him, finally the bully lands a crusher on him and says “This one’s on the house.”

And when I saw Teddy and his oversize hand throw the contraband on Chris, I felt like that psycho.

“Gil, you mean you want me to kick you in the nuts and rip your hair so that you can have a reason to call in sick? You’re not around much anyway. And I don’t like getting Brylcream all over me.”

“Please do it. Dr. Pearl said I couldn’t use any more sick days and unless I got ran over by the Milford & Oakwood Midnight Special, I was to fulfill the rest of my teacher’s contract and coach the balance of the season. And my cruise ship tickets to The Bahamas are non-refundable.”

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“This one’s on the house, Mimi.”

CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Sting Operation At Testing Site At Milford Community College Nets $1.7 Million In Confiscated Hot SAT Materials!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Detective Friday: ‘I noticed one of the dealers carrying a Magic Marker into the classroom instead of 2 #2 pencils. And when he didn’t have his calculator, that’s when I put the finger on him. Those punks never had a chance.”

 

THE STREAK IS BACK

Boy o boy, we got the package today. Dark Shadows Hand in P1 and now The Streak in P2. And I remember when Dan Curtis, who produced Dark Shadows, screened actors for his show so that it would be that much scarier. He wanted people who were REALLY freaky, were excellent actors, and were terrific with the public. Jonathan Frid, who played Barnabas Collins, was a good example. He was a veteran Shakesperean actor and was super with the fans. He would stop on the streets to sign an autograph. People loved him. And when you saw his displaying those vampire teeth on the TV screen, that just confirmed the issue.

Well, Teddy can’t act and it’s hard for me to believe after he got detention that he has a good rapport with the hoi polloi BUT he is super freaky with that hairdo. He’s 1/3 of the way there should the networks return Dark Shadows to the spotlight. He might catch up by then, especially if he quits getting detention for sticking sting bombs in Barnabas’ coffin. Don’t hold your breath.

Anybody who leaves a streak, er, trail with Kaplan’s AP Guide to Trigonometry ledger notes on the Head Librarian’s desk is in serious need of reform. Those cosine and sine functions in the doorway attest to that.

 

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“This one’s on the house.”

KERBLOOEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Dude, did you have to that to Dr. Pearl? I don’t care how much she paid you. She’s got a face that was born before the French and Indian War.”

 

2:31PM, Next day-In order to nab these vermin in the act, we had to think like them. So we had Bill Gannon pose as a conferderate. He was to be an SAT Test buyer and so he had to learn the tricks of the trade. It wasn’t going to be easy because Bill barely passed high school. Last-minute intervention by Dr. Pearl kept Gannon from being sent on the front line at the Battle of the Bulge. He owed her one.

“Joe, I think I have this down pat. I had a little trouble with the Essay Section but I got an ‘A’ n my term paper at the Milford Police Academy on ‘Criminal Tactics on Bucket Burger Swindlers’. And I got my calculator in case he tries to pull an arctan on me. I memorized the Math Section cold. I bet I’d score an 800 easily.”

“The real test is when those punks try to smell you out. Your testimony better be tight. Let’s go over the Verbal Section one more time.”

“Sure, Joe. Okay, Mr. Punk, I looked over these analogies and they appear to be in good working order. BASKETBALL:INERTIA seem to align with SPORTS:NONEXISTENCE. And I filled in the blanks with ‘Gil ______________ the season in order to party even if the populace_________________ for more activity’ with ‘trashed’ and ‘clamored’. Gotta watch those opposites. I almost answered ‘consummated’. I’ll take ’em. Got plenty of Benjamin’s. Name your price.”

“You’ll knock ’em dead, Bill.”

Slightly peppy music imbues Dragnet while Bill and Joe leave the physics lab.

 

If ya bribe the guy at the bar so ya can git the answer sheet to yore arithmatic ex-am-in-na-shun and finally pass 3rd grade and the ne’er-do-well throws in a slide rule ab-suh-lute-ly gratis, ya might be a redneck.

 

“Okay, it all checks out. The logarithm of 100 is 2 so ‘None of the above’ is the correct answer. And I’ll give in on the Antonym Section. I reckon ‘hirsute’ is the opposite of ‘immaculate’. You drive a hard bargain. I still say it’s ‘shiny’. Remember, it’s NEAREST in meaning. But if you’ll throw in a Videocassette on ‘Big Jake’s Sweating to a 1600 on the SAT’, I’ll call it even.”

“Deal.”

“Gentlemen, I need the goods if you want the cash.”

“Okay, Jiffy Pop Head, you go with Frank and get the stuff out of the van. Here’s the key.”

“I got a better idea LET’S ALL GO POLICE OFFICERS YOU’RE UNDER ARREST!!!!!!!!!!”

 

____________

 

“You got a warrant?”

“Right here wedged in this test booklet, punk. You better start asking what oars you’re gonna need when you get sent up the river.”

“I was only doing what any Robin Hood would do to help a poor schmuck to Harvard. I ain’t all bad.”

“Son, you can’t just hock answer sheets and crib notes out of the professor’s vertical file at Milford Community College. There’s laws against that. Personally, I don’t want a guy majoring in electric engineering at MIT with egg on his conscience. What’d you find in the briefcase, Joe?”

“The price tag is still fresh on the ‘Barron’s Prep Guide to Better Scores on the SAT’, answers included. Straight out of the Milford CC Bookstore. He doesn’t have a prayer before the judge.”

“Jiffy Pop Head, didn’t I tell you to burn those tags?”

“I couldn’t help it. They’re made out of the same material as Gil’s hair.”

“So’s your brain.”

“THAT’S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU TWO. YOU’RE IN ENOUGH HOT WATER WITH DR. PEARL. DON’T TRIP ON THE WAY TO THE COURTROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CRUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Luhm, I’m stickin’ this broom handle up your butt on the house.”

OWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“This is Marty Moon with a Special Report at Milford High School where the janitor was brutalized. Mr. Luhm, what happened?”

“Gil did all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him I couldn’t wax the floor until after the players left the scrimmage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He’ll pay for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

Dum da dum dum

Dum da dum dum

DUMMMMMMMMMMMM

“This farce you have just seen is true. The names are unfortunately true and exposing the innocent.

“On March 4th, trial was held in the cafeteria of Milford High School at the PTA meeting. In a moment, the results of that trial.”

 

“Folks, I hope those smugglers get the book thrown at them. Whether it’s Dan-O or Joe Friday, nobody more than me likes to see a guy strapped to a chair because McGarrett or Friday caught them breaking into a student’s locker and stealing that student’s Pudding Pops.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. And, boy, do I have a menu for you while you’re watching Friday hangin’ ’em high at Tombstone. Our enterprises and El Tarasco Restaurant have joined together to provide you with even better quality products that you can snarf straight off the TV tray.

Try our new Gil Thorp Italian Sausage ‘n’ Enchiladas Verdes. Mmmmmm, mmm, I can almost smell Mimi smokin’ ’em off the electric stove. With that aroma and Milford Dairies Sour Cream, I’m bettin’ Joe Friday nails then in the next Dragnet episode when the bad guys try to pillage the Milford Food Pantry for guacamole dip.

Are you a shrimp guy? No problem. Gil Thorp Sage Seasoned Sausage y Camarones al Chipotle is just the thing to lay on the grill when the gang comes over to watch Major League Baseball Game of the Week. And Chihuahua Cheese will bat a thousand every time when you’re topping the patties. Hey, and I didn’t know Camarones meant ‘shrimp’. I always thought it meant ‘camera’. Goes to show you us coaches are always learning a new play to put in the playbook.

And you quiche eaters out there who don’t buy grills can always indulge in Gil Thorp Mild Sausage Fajita Burrito Grande. Even Grandma will enjoy this Grande, especially when you marinate the Sausage of Choice. If you wussies want to go stronger, we have onions and peppers for just a few cents extra. Sometimes Joe Friday’s gotta play Rambo and throw tear gas in the faculty lounge if he wants the juvenile delinquents to surrender. We’re fine either way.

Come check out these and other fine Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage products in your grocers’ coolers. You don’t have to go south of the border for good eatin’. We’re right in your neighborhood.”

 

 

With Teddy and his buddy standing in front of a blank wall

“Teddy Demarco a/k/a Roger M. Klotz and Jiffy Pop Head were found guilty of two counts of “Illegal Test Preparation Trafficking” and 5 counts of “Harassment of Illegal Contraband onto the General Populace” according to Section 102, Article 9 of the Milford Municipal Legislative Compendium and is punishable by a fine of $35,000 on each count and not more than 5 years of Detention in the Study Hall with Parole set for 2 years by the Milford Parole Commission.”

“Demarco and Jiffy Pop Head are now serving Detention at Milford High School for 3 years.”

 

Gang, you mean the world to me. I bet you have better shooting form than Schuring too. Better arch, anyway.

 

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CRUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KLUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oops, sorry, Gil. Had too many Camarones con arroz. Here’s a twenty back.”

 

 

 

 

February 14, 2020

This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy…

Well we were going along just swimmingly for so long, then the truck went into the ditch. Chris’s hairbrained idea only opens up a new can of worms for Alexa, and why a level-headed girl like Phoebe even agrees to pass on this idea to her bestie instead of telling Chris to hit the road, is beyond me.

I kinda see his point. Like a diet– you have to not only change your eating habits, you must also change your lifestyle, otherwise the diet will not have a long shelf life and you’ll be back to your old ways in no time. It takes a while for habits to change.

He figures if Alexa acts like the boss everywhere, she’ll get used to it so much that it’ll translate to more forceful play on the court. I get that.

But his logic is just .. weird. Who the hell cares if she’s a half step in front of someone. SO IS EVERYONE ELSE!!! You got 500 students or so walking the halls between classes; no way is everyone on the same pace. She’ll quickly figure out it doesnt work, like a bad experiment. Then she’ll be back to her moody ways, and plus, she may inadvertantly knock over someones books or shove someone in the back, and the hallways of a school require a lot of courtesy in that regard.  Rudeness doesnt fly anywhere, no matter how much better that makes her on the court.

And how is a height advantage of any use in the hallways, save for seeing above some other heads moving to and from class?? My long legs got me moving faster when I needed to, not my tall body.

Hey Chris , as Clark Griswold  would say, you’re in deep.

 

 

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