Where the hell is Pants in Geography??

Out on the Paths …

Of Glory….

While I’m hangin in geography with you…

Madagas?? Pants?? What the fuck is Kaz teaching in this class? And why does  he write Geography WAY bigger then ‘Test’?

All that exhaust smoke must be affecting his pupils brains, cuz theres no freakin words on that blackboard that make any sense.

And what high school kid gives a flying fuck about World War I?

And back to Panel 1– Yes, you guys are WEIRD. Glad you noticed.

As a matter of fact, everything in this strip is weird. The kids, the teachers, the punter, the safety, the announcer, the game schedule, the janitor, the field, the walls, the windows,…..weird, weird, weird!

All I know is, my pants are south of my shirt.

Haiku or comment away gang! This train is falling off the tracks so fast it might take the Madagas with it.

 

 

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It’s Tiki Season

Gang, remember when Elmer Fudd would be slinking along in his hunting boots et al and be deep in the pits of Mother Nature, proudly proclaiming that it’s “Wabbit Season HAHAHAHAHAHA”? That’s why it wasn’t registering when The Hardy Boys were doing ANYTHING but football. Putting the season on another sabbatical until Halloween will fry your brain big-time.

So now we come to the point where they are taking Yogi’s cue, i.e., if ya see a fork in the road, take it. Assuming that Tiki is not going to ruin his Bridgestones on the curb ahead of him, that fork should lead to some interesting ramifications, not that we’ll learn any football along the way. No, If he turns to the right, as he alleged, we won’t run into Joe Namath’s Quarterback Skills Camp, held at the Milford Elementary playground (“If you’ll get offa that jungle gym, I’LL teach you how to scramble”) , and if he turns to the left as he’s DOING unless he’s doing a doughnut and causing further distractions to this Pandora’s Box, we probably won’t see Coach Belichek giving a lecture on spearing at the Milford Community College Lecture Hall (“I used to aim for the glutes”) .

SO WHERE IS HE GOING??????

Before we unseal the envelope and get to the bottom of his whereabouts and pray he doesn’t get swept up in the Kanamits’ next flight at Milford Int’l, I’m imagining ridiculous scenarios where Hardy Boy #1 finds a pair of Tiki’s Fruit of the Looms that a buzzard was pecking at in the middle of the road, then more along the way that leads onto a trail that leads onto that trail…

“Hardy Boy #1, this tree house is where he lives!!!!!! Wow, you can see the back of Kohl’s!!!!!! So that’s where Milford Sanitation dumps its wares. Peeeewwwwweeee, you couldn’t track down a dinosaur, it stinks so bad back here. And his Fruit of the Looms all have brown stains on them and I KNOW those aren’t deer droppings on the ground. That one pair we found on that willow tree branch was an EPA hazard.”

“True, Hardy Boy # 2 but are you SURE that’s where he lives?”

“Yes. There were posters of Lady Gaga, Bo Derek, Raquel Welch, Paris Hilton, and Jennifer Lopez on one wall and his favorite NFL teams on the other, plus a family portrait on his desk next to his bed. He was the one with the peach fuzz. His dad was picking his butt just as the camera snapped. Apparently, Milford Photo doesn’t do retakes.”

“I’m still not convinced, Hardy Boy #2.”

“There was also a letter on his desk where was writing to his grandmother at Milford Senior Living Center where he was complaining that Coach Thorp needs to quit sipping martinis at the International Coaches Clinic held at the Milford Expo Center and he’d seen better coaches at Greyhound.”

“That’s Tiki.”

 

Shout-out to Anna Lenk at First Transit in Louisville, Kentucky. She comes in every day with a purpose and works her tail off to make sure the bus routes are in excellent order and they ALWAYS are. You make my job easier, My Friend. She is also VERY knowledgeable about the way things work around the place. It’s good to know where to go if you need info, especially when schedules are tight. You come through EVERY time to get passengers on time. You have my admiration and respect. You make America go.

 

Another theory

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Tiki’s Whereabouts Revealed In Tract #23 In The Milford Fish & Wildlife Area By Local Hunter!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Shaw: I figured that wasn’t my deer blind. Mine don’t have security cameras and there was a Sonitrol sign nailed to a sycamore tree under his domicile on one of the branches.”

 

Still another theory

 

8:43 PM It was chilly in Milford but the skies were clear. The same couldn’t be said for this plot. Anyway, you could see every star in the sky.The WMFD weather forecaster called for rain later.

My partner, Bill Gannon and I, were working the Social Services Division of the Missing Persons Bureau, specializing in Missing Details of Personal Inventory, SWAT Unit. The boss is Captain Pearl.

We had been staking out the living quarters of Tiki Jensen at his apartment or so it was reported.  We hid behind The Good Humor Man’s Twirlmobile so no one would notice. Dispatch wasn’t certain, having been informed that they were actually living in the restrooms at Milford Park, Dad and son in the men’s room, Mom and sister in the women’s room, the Skid Row slugs in the unisex room, etc. They were 24-hour jobs. Bill blew a wad there occasionally, careful to never utilize the unisex room, having caught some tourists from Thailand changing their Baby’s diaper. He let it all hang out in Stall #2 of the men’s room, his favorite hangout, especially after he had plunged into the buffet table at Fong’s Chung King Cafe ‘n’ Coffee, a little hole in the wall, situated next to Milford Clay Oven. Bill would catch up on the haps in the Milford Enquirer while sitting on his throne.

Captain Pearl had advised us to exercise caution as pistol shots were heard from time to time. Some people were disgusted that there was no Charmin to soften their asses, evidently. At any rate, Bill and I were ready with our Sig Sauers, ready for action. Not all loud noises were obnoxious farts from excessive Van Camp’s Pork ‘n’ Beans.

“Whattya think, Joe?”

“Ahhhhh, too risky. Tiki’s dad could go postal if there’s not enough Wet Ones in the paper towel dispenser.”

“Doesn’t Tiki have homework?”

“Negative. Headquarters confirmed his book report on “Napoleon at Waterloo” and his math assignments were all turned in. We’ll never nail him on truancy.”

“What about his sister?”

“Gotta keep an eye on her. She went up the river on armed robbery a few years ago. Word around the neighborhood is that she’s desperate and might be tempted to hold up the Milford 7-11.”

“That hungry, huh?”

“Appears so. Father was denied welfare because he was earning too much income at Milford Foundry. Don’t see how, all he does is lug junk steel into the chutes. But I don’t make the rules.”

“Guy’s in the lowdown, for sure.”

“Looks that way.”

From behind that locked door next to the boulder, the Hardy Boys arrive on the scene. They spot Friday’s Ford Gran Torino squad cruiser ducked behind the Good Humor Man’s Twirlmobile. The Good Humor Man has called it a night, sleeping in Stall #3, Stall #2 padlocked, reserved for Gannon and Friday, should nature call while on a high speed chase.

“Joe!!!!!! Bill!!!!!! We got something!!!!!!!”

“How many times do I gotta warn you? It’s Mr. Friday and Mr. Gannon!!!!!!!!! I won’t tell you again!!!!!!!! I’ll nail your hind ends on a Section 458, ‘Insubordination and Impedimentation to a Police Officer while in the Line of Duty’!!!!!!!!! And tuck in that shirt!!!!!!!!!!! And use Head & Shoulders on that mohawk!!!!!!!!!”

“But Mr. Friday and Mr. Gannon, we found Tiki’s jersey. It was in the cesspool by the Milford KFC where they dump their chicken bones and unused cole slaw. He was washing his uniform there. YUK!!!!!! It’s got mashed potato stains all over it.”

“That doesn’t prove anything, you losers. I could have been on the team the way Coach Thorp is recruiting!!!!!!!”

“Sir, Coach has all the waterboys he needs.”

Bill Gannon stifles a snicker.

“Look, you vermin, I could slap the cuffs on you for a Title 89, Section 188 ‘Unauthorized Investigation with Intent to Interfere with Police Proceedings’, but I’m in a good mood. But don’t press your luck. Either give me something to work with or hit the road, Jack, and don’t cum back no mo’.”

Gannon is a bit stupified at Joe’s street language.

“Well, he left a trail, a jock strap with his name stenciled on it, his football pants, his cleats, his shoulder pads, his knee inserts, his mouth guard on the mulberry bush, ooooooeeeee, shoulda seen the mulberry stains-“

“Cut to the cheese and give me some action.”

“We found his house. It’s a cave.”

“I’m in no mood for jokes. I’ll haul you off on a Section 315-“

“No, No, we’re not kidding. It’s really a cave. Part of Milford Spelunker’s Club property. They all reside in a cubby hole and, well, except for no door to keep the Avon Lady or Jehovah’s Witness out, the poverty is not all that bad. They have a wide-screen TV, automatic dishwasher, refrigerator with a tap, in fact, they to wash their clothes in the pool of shit because the washing machine is on the blink. The Maytag Man came by and will have to order parts. But they live like you and-“

“Awright, awright, we’ll do the investigating around here. You punks get to bed. You’re worse than Adam-12. At least they wore a badge. Scramble so you can make tomorrow’s Tackling Concepts practice!!!! You’re out of your league around here. Coach may let you run hog-wild and neglect your football obligations but I’ll run you in on a Section 2519, ‘Impersonating a Comic Strip’. Now Beat it!!!!!!!”

Gannon with one last gasp.

“How did you find us, anyway? We try to camouflage this buggy so that Allen Funt can’t even find us.”

“Simple. We figured the Good Humor Man doesn’t smoke Bel-Airs and your lentil soup breath was reeking pretty bad. We never knew the Good Humor Man to frequent the Milford 24-Hour Diner.”

“All right!!!!!!! That’s enough!!!!!!! Scram!!!!!!!

“Say ‘Hello’ to Elvis and Humphrey on The Boulevard of Broken Dreams.”

“Easy, Joe. They’re not worth it. Stick your derringer back in your holster. Okay, Sons, run along, like the man says.”

 

Another theory

 

Joe and Tiki in Tract #16 of Milford Fish & Wildlife Area, yanking off a picture of each other on the sugar maple tree in front of them

RRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP

“It’s Tiki Season!!!!!!!!!”

RRRRIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP

“It’s Bolek Season!!!!!!!!!!

RRRRIIIPPPPPPPPPPPP

“It’s Tiki Season!!!!!!!!!!

RRRRIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP

“It’s Bolek Season!!!!!!!!!!!”

RRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPP

A picture of Gil appears

“Whoopsy daisy, gotta catch the limo or I’ll be late for The Newlywed Game tonight. My wife will kill me if don’t shower and shave.”

Later, after Gil disappears into the bramble.

“Shhhhhhh!!!!!!! Be vewy, vewy quiet. We’re hunting Gilbertos.”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

 

On “The Newlywed Game”, held one night in the banquet hall of the Milford Elks Club

“Couple #1, Gil and Mimi, what image will your wife say comes to mind when she has your whim whim on her mind, A) A gigantic Lincoln Log B) A Beanie-Weenie C) A pool cue stick or D) A railroad tie on the Milford & Oakwood rail?”

“Oh most definitely a railroad tie.”

“Well, Gil, hate to break it to ya, buddy, but she answered…(Mimi holding up card) a Beanie Weenie.”

“Honey, you’re always enjoying my pile drives. What changed your tune?”

“Weelllllll, Gil, Sometimes I fake it just to get through the night and…”

Bob Eubanks, egging it on to boost the ratings and watch the audience howl with laughter at any standoff

“Mimi, do you enjoy it when you’re NOT faking it? Now come on, be honest.”

“Oh, sure. Sometimes Gil buys some anti-Dysfunction medicine at Walgreen’s and his #2 pencil changes into a decent Lincoln Log. After the kids get done making a log cabin out of it.”

The obligatory deluge of mirth rains down on Gil and Mimi, Gil using Mimi’s answer card to hide his face, Bob Eubanks laughs his Seal of Approval and prepares himself for the next couple. Bob Eubanks has done his job.

“Couple # 2, Coach Shaw and…”

 

“That’s right, Bob Eubanks really stuck it to me in the behind, but figuratively, of course. The important thing is that I needed help and the next time we get on the Newlywed game, I’ll be ready. That’s because the treatment programs at Milford Men’s Clinic really  work and aid and abet in the cause of Technical Ecstasy, oops, my bad, gotta quit bringin’ in the Black Sabbath days when I was a hippie for a day, SEXUAL ecstasy. With newfound confidence, we may be on a waiting list for the show, but the rematch and the trip to the Bahamas plus a $1000 gift certificate to Milford Kohl’s that we’ll win will all be worth the effort, in bed and in the studio. Stuffing the cue cards in Bob’s boxers will be sweet. Kinda like beating Tod Andrews after he dumped me. Stop by the Milford Men’s Clinic today and get your slice of the revenge. No better feeling than to know Bob and I have the same hairdo but only I can dish out the paybacks. Revenge is sweet.”

 

Gang, Go to it. I’ll be riding in Joe and Bill’s squad car on the lookout for football since we supposedly have Tiki in our sights. I coached baseball with two policeman when I was in Babe Ruth League Baseball, so they cut me some slack. All I gotta do is roll the windows down so I don’t have to inhale that Bel-Air smoke and I’m in Heaven. They understand.

 

Still another theory (And thanks to Joe Szerletich from Louisville, Kentucky, for help with the idea)

 

“I’m sorry, Mr. Friday, I had all these spray cans of VO5 because I was hungry and thought I could sell them on the black market. I know rules are rules and Gil was missing them from his shed but I was starving. You understand the Greater Good, don’t you?”

“All I understand is that I’m gonna nail you on a Penal Code 43, Section 685, ‘Intent to-What’s that music? And where’s Bill? Something fishy going on.”

Bill Gannon and Allen Funt come out of a black bear’s lair

“Smiiilllleee, you’re on Candid Camerrrrraaaaaaa.”

 

 

“Couple #3, Marty and Peaches, 25 points will give you 60 points and the lead. What is favorite ritual will your wife say you prefer to perform before you make whoopee? Marty?”

“I’d have to say both of us dancing in the raw to ‘Classical Gas’ by Mason Williams on my old 45 player in the basement.”

“Well, Marty, she didn’t see it that way. She answered ‘Scratching up against the hackberry tree next to your retreat house at Mudlark Lake.”

“Peaches, you KNOW I use that to eliminate the mosquitos around the place? How are we going to make whoopee when there’s fleas in my pubic hair?”

“Maybe you should use a flea collar next time.”

The crowd spits out their Mudlar-K-Blueberry Blast Cola on that one.

Bob Eubanks has done his job.

This Plot Goes On And It Drives Us Mad

Where do we go from here

Now that Tiki is camping in Gil’s place

And how does he spend his time

When the plot forges on at a snail’s pace

 

ANOTHER HARDY BOY’S MYSTERY???????????? CAN WE AT LEAST GET SOME FOOTBALL WHILE ENCYCLOPEDIA BROWN AND SALLY KIMBALL TRACK DOWN WHERE BUGS MEANY LIVES??????????????

My goodness, I’m sure they’ll discover, probably to no one’s surprise, that Bugs Meany and his family have their own private Hooverville house at Milford Skid Row. They followed Bugs’ (not Bugs Bunny, to avoid any resemblence which would be REALLY coincidental) trail of Jack Daniels bottles back to his house, or really loosely speaking, abode. It keeps the rain out, give him that. Anyway, the Hardy Boys will more than likely find a similar path starting with the sandwich Tiki is devouring in P2. Are we SURE his mom packed that in his lunch box this morning along with Sun Maid raisins, Lays Sun Chips, Hi-C cooler, and Hostess Twinkie or did Tiki hock that from the incinerator in the Maintenance Room? The Hardy Boys should have checked there first. After non-contact drills, of course. Anyway, if the janitors check all the garbage cans and dumpsters and detect that all the PB & J, Ham & Rye, Tuna Fish and Scrambled Egg, Brain, Bacon ‘n’ Pork Rind, and Reuben sandwiches were pilfered from designated repositories, then it’s hard for me to imagine, as desperate Gil is to resuscitate this plot, that he would stoop that low, literally and figuratively. There could be only one culprit and he’s eating the evidence even as I text.

But hey, the Hardy Boys could always sneak into Coach Thorp’s office and check his mini-fridge after blocking drills on Thursday just to be sure.

“WOW, look at all these Bacon ‘n’ Egg Croissants!!!!!!!!!!!”

Elmer Fudd follows the string of Michelob Lite beer cans from the edge of the Wal-Mart property deep into the Milford Wildlife Management Area until Mr. Fudd pinpoints a rabbit hole next to a camellia bush, half-eaten by the other Bugs (not Bugs Meany, do I have to keep reminding you???????) that he surely washed down with the Michelob Lite (Here’s to good friends, tonight is kinda special, a hollyhock and Lowenbrau among your fishing buddies after you caught a shark. Life is good) . Elmer points the blunderbuss into the hole. Hope Bugs Bunny isn’t hung over. “Aw wight, wabbit, say your pwayers.”

 

Shout-out goes to Vincent Natalie of Louisville, Kentucky, who was a housing inspector for years, and with his solid work ethic and great personality, would have kept going had God not told him to relax and enjoy life. Unlike many housing inspectors, Vincent learned you catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar and approached every landlord and tenant that way. they would gladly proceed and comply with his orders which were ALWAYS reasonable. If government was ALWAYS that way, we’d get more done. Vincent, you were great to talk to the other day and I hope to talk to you some more in the future. Enjoy your retirement. You’ve earned it.

 

BTW, While the Hardy Boys and Milkman are on a rampage,  I’ll be using “The Turn of a Friendly Card”, you whippersnappers, from the Alan Parsons Project, to aid them in their pursuit of justice. Need help somewhere.

 

I have been reading on one of my favorite subjects, math, and I read something interesting on probability.

It seems that Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades (assuming that Hercules and Atlas were busy with the kids) threw dice and Zeus wound up with the earth, Poseidon, the oceans, and Hades, well, I think you can put 2+2 on that one.

But my imagination is running wild

“I drew Milford AGAIN?????? Let me see those dice!!!!!!!!!

 

And by my calculations, it appears in P1 that the Spaceship Enterprise has landed in the Milford High School parking lot (Security ordered Captain Kirk to park the vehicle in the Student Section) for, I’m thinking, a seminar with the students. I’m ruling out a pep assembly. And, lo and behold, if it isn’t Samuel Llewellyn Spock, Dr. Spock’s grandson, shooting a stare at our victim, Tiki Time Bomb. Careful with that Vulcan Submission Hold that your granddaddy used on his enemies. We’re talking a prospective slum king here and it’s not necessary to implement desperate measures.

“OKAY!!!! OKAY!!!!! We live under the bridge and we eat out at Hardee’s every night!!!!!!!! At least it’s char-broiled!!!!!! And, OKAY, we sleep on the dead sassafras trees and lay our heads down on the foliage. Now will you let go of my shoulder?????

 

Where do go from here

Now that Tiki lacks toilets or floor space

And how will he go to class

If he’s blocked by the presence of Gil’s face

 

At a book sale, I ran across a book entitled “How to make a Tornado”.

This week’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O. J. Suing Milford High School Concerning Home-Made Tornado After His Mudlark Lake Beach House Was Razed To The Ground; Scuba Divers Recover His MVP Trophy In The Bottom Of The Lake!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub head line

“Trial will begin in February 2019 after his lawyer, Johnny Cochrane, gets his condominium appraised of damages.”

 

Nothing forward

Nothing gained

This plot wades on

And it bears much pain

I’d rather eat borscht in the rain

Topped with candy cane

Crap festers more and more profane

 

We’ve got common sense to lose (We’ve got common sense to lose)

We’ve got Alpo Beef for news (We oughta be belching out this news)

 

Shout-out to Beverly Tyler of Clarksville, Indiana. Two, count ’em, two broken ankles in the past, yet she has overcome and cheerfully goes to work every day as if nothing ever happened. She is truly an inspiration to me and has shown me how you can beat the odds just by making that first step. She gets up EARLY to boot. Wow. Gang, I think she loves her job and life too. Give her respect, gang. Lots of it.

 

And as long as The Hardy Boys are not going to learn their lesson AND STICK TO SPORTS (remember the stern lecture Gil gave them last year when they and Joe Friday and Bill Gannon were staking out Aardvark’s place?) , I have to admire their process of elimination in P3. No, if he’s eating Spam instead of Prime Rib, Ken’l Ration instead of Filet Mignon, Fried Tuna instead of Lobster, we can safely posit that Tiki’s family does not own a time-share cabin next to Marty’s beach house at Mudlark Lake Resort.

“Joe and Bill-“

“That’s Mr. Friday and Mr. Gannon, to you, punks.”

“Anyway, look at this trail of Tender Vittles. Smells like they eat a lot of the Shrimp variety. It’s leading to that chalet by that huge pin oak tree.”

 

Annnnnddddddd, I saw this at a Kroger in my hometown in the Frozen aisle on an endcap

Denali Extreme Maximum Fudge Moose Tracks (for those of you keeping score at home)

Sooooooooooooo at the Milford Clay Oven, The Taste of the Himalayas, now offering free delivery, brought to your doorstep in 30 minutes or less or the order’s free

“Waiter, there’s a roach in my wife’s Fish Curry Vindaloo Soup.”

“And the chefs didn’t sprinkle enough paprika in the Samosa Chat Moose Tracks. I’m usually fartin’ up a storm by the time me and Gil get to our Nissan Sentra.”

“Believe me, I have to roll down all the windows when we drive out of the parking lot. We have to give our kids Flintstones Chewables to flush themselves of the stench.”

“But this time, I haven’t even bothered to reach for my Rolaids.”

 

“Officer, how’d you know I was with Milford Clay Oven? The cherry top on the Domino’s, Papa John’s, and the Pizza Hut cars are all shaped the same.”

“Simple. Yours was the only one in Urdu. BTW, I’ll let you off with a warning if you’ll let me sample that Ultimate Vegetable Korma Moose Tracks.”

 

 

 

“Okay, here’s your Chicken Tikka Masala, your Tandoori Chicken Salad, your Chicken Pakora, your Denali Vegetable Karma Ghia Pakora ‘n’ Baked Beans Krishna Karamel Baghavad Vita Wienerschnitzel On The Rocks Tandoori Waldorf Salad Maximum Ne Plus Ultra Chocolate Vanilla Strawberries ‘n’ Cream Ghi Moose Tracks Ice Cream, and your Kiddie Whopper And Fries. Oh, I forgot your 6-pack of Bud Lite on your coupon special.”

“That’s correct. I receive a free 6-pack brewskie of my choice when I purchase $85.00 worth on the menu, am I right?”

“You are correct. Anything else?”

“I think that’ll do it.”

“Thank you. Have a nice day.”

“Thanks for coming out to Oakwood.”

“Anytime, Mr. Andrews.”

 

Nothing’s good and Gil’s been had

The tripe shoves on

And it drives me mad

The writing flubs

And the story’s bad

For the ending, I’ll be glad

Eliminate this passing fad

 

Gil’s got nothing left to lose (Gil’s got gray lint in his shoes)

He oughta admimister fresher news (He’s waxing increasingly obtuse)

 

Ian Bairnson’s guitar solo, brilliant virtuoso as he always is (never disappoints) , leads us intooooooooo

“And that’ll do it. Coach T finds another way to lose one. Who’s gonna be his next kicker,  Donald Duck? Well, while I’m scanning the Disney Channel, allow me to pause for a commercial. We’ll be back to wrap up this travesty of justice. Your final, Jefferson, Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns, 23, Milford, 21, you’re listening to Marty Moon on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“Fans, while you’re listening to Marty’ bull, I have a question.

Is your sex life on the rocks? Is the only time you get erect is when you stand at attention and salute the flag? Is your wife spending more time dropping off the kids at soccer practice than in bed?

Hi, this is Gil Thorp, And I can certainly relate, having experienced my own Erectile Dysfunction nightmares. Talk about “Tales from the Darkside”.

My weenie could have passed as the host of the show, it was that frightful. Mimi was about to call a werewolf, she was desperate for something exciting, even if it meant her heart would be ripped out or whatever werewolves do, I never watched the show, I was busy incompetently coaching the team. If all she had to do was stick a silver Bic pen in his neck to get stuck herself, it was worth going all the way for them. Thank God the werewolf’s number was unlisted.

And, I know, the Milford Men’s Clinic at the Mall got leveled to the ground by that tornado, created by a Senior Project. I still think some people need to get a life. However, don’t let some careless asshole who misapplied Erlenmeyer flasks and pipettes on the 2nd floor of the chem lab at Milford High School derail you from the pleasure you seek. The good news is that the Downtown location wasn’t even touched. And you can get the same treatment programs there that work just as well. By Gum, all you gotta do is locate the Empire State Building and you’re gonna score, in bed and in finding the place cuz the Clinic is right next to it. I’m not good on geography, some say I’m not good on coaching, but I’ll bet Marty Moon’s retreat house at Mudlark Lake Resort that if I can find it, you can too. Plenty of free parking in the rear and they’ll even validate your parking stub if you park in the Milford Municipal Lot.

Improving my sexual arousal and picking up my bar tab, er, parking bill, now that’s a winning combo. Pippin and Jordan couldn’t park their pick-ups any better.

And while the idiots who were careless with Mother Nature will serve In-School Suspension for their malfeasance, the Mall location will rise from the ashes, a Phoenix mating with its female counterpart, ready to soar their sex life through the uprights, this time winning the game. No referee to throw a flag on this one.

 

Comment away, gang. And if you’re in the area, stop by Coffee Crossing in New Albany, Indiana (Grant Line Road exit) . I was impressed by their selection of lattes, cappucinos, coffees, and scones, among other goodies, lots of ’em, at reasonable prices. If you’re on your way to work or need a lunch break, stop by. Support Small Business, gang, You need a place where everybody knows your name.

 

“Hmmmmm. Bill, this tastes like Mudlar-K-Pineapple Plus Cola. They must be skimpy on the soft drinks.”

“Mr. Friday, it could be Donald Duck Orange Juice. I’ve seen Tiki snarf tons of the stuff.”

“You punks run along and go home!!!!!!!!! You’ve got calesthnics and conditioning at 0600 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

No this plot never ends

When Gil’s World all depends

On the turn

Of a friendly

Foot

Now, This Punting Tutorial Belongs to the Ages

Gang, this is gettin’ kinda silly. Y’know, when Babe Ruth called his shot in the 1932 World Series, he wasn’t in the 28th row in the stands at Yankee Stadium (conceding that Called Shot was actually at Wrigley Field, lay off, Cub fans-ha) with a group from the New Jersey Chapter of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union (“It’s Prohibition Night and all Ladies & Gentlemen displaying their “Just Say ‘No’ To Bud” proudly on their lapel anywhere above the waist will go through the turnstiles free and receive 1/2 off all Dr. Pepper, Grape Nehi, and Yoo-Hoo! drinks and Cracker Jack products and can even keep the prize”), not that that was the wisest move to make given his track record on booze, hob-nobbing about how to go yard. Yeah, Ladies, burn the Lite Beer from Miller operation somewhere in the woods on Staten Island and watch the ball all the way to the bat. Luckiest man alive, George Herman.

And great comparison, Joe, with the Rocky flicks. Really, you raise a good point. Like “Rocky”, if you’ve seen one kick, you’ve seen them all. Apollo Creed can only kick in so many different styles. His James Brown’s “Get Up, I Feel Like Being a Sex Machine” technique isn’t so innovative after the 1000th kick.

And I’ve seen infomercials better than this. Oh, c’mon, when you can’t sleep and you’ve tried counting sheep or you’re on your 13th Sominex or you sit in the recliner chair playing some New Age rendition by Enya or Michael Oldfield or Andy Summers after he broke off from The Police (New Age, trust me) or “La Sagrada Familia” from Alan Parsons off of “Gaudi” or (BTW, I checked, Meat Loaf’s Bat out of Hell didn’t qualify) even a bit- bluesy-but-could-stay-within-the-limits stuff such as Earl Klugh or Jon McLaughlin, even with the latter playing at an RPM faster than the normal rate (still love it) , and YOU STILL CAN’T SLEEP, whaddya do?

Time’s up

TURN ON THE TV

 

“Are you tired of not being able to kick a simple Nerfball out of your back yard? Wouldn’t you like to boom one straight from your living room to the top of the Empire State Building in Milford? Well, now you can and Joe Bolek can show you how.

Joe was in your shoes. Everytime he got mad and tried to kick the cat, he wound up on the deck, missing a Persian or a Siamese or even Garfield by a mile. Other times, he hit a jaguar that had been given up for adoption from a tenant at the Milford Senior Living Condo and, man o man, did he have to run the 50-yard dash ASAP just to escape the Milford Humane Society building.

Joe decided enough was enough and learned from the best. He spent hours and hours secluded in the monastary in St. Meinrad, Indiana, only consuming 2 slices of bread and a glass of water every 12 hours watching video after video observing how the great ones do it. From Ray Guy to George Blanda, Chris Gardocki to Mike Eischeid, Garo Yepremian to Joe Danelo,  Joe got better at backing up his talk, spending hours, when he wasn’t attending Matin or Nones or Vespers, in the Indiana cornfields mastering his craft, learning all the secrets in the bargain. Now Joe wants to share those secrets with you.”

 

“Here he is, give our hero a warm welcome, won’t you?”

“Hey, gang!!!!!!!!!!”

HI!!!!!!!!!! JOE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Gang, I wanna show you that YES, YOU TOO can kick a game-winning 73-yard field goal like Tom Dempsey and you don’t need half a foot like him to do it. But in order to show my excellent techniques, I need a volunteer from the stands. Yes, you, ma’am, come on down and let’s kick some A, whattya say?

A lady with a walker hobbles 15 rows down the steps, aided by a couple of gentlemen, more than likely her sons. They remove her oxygen tank.

“All right, you’re lookin’ good, I thought you were my girlfriend for a second. I can tell you make liberal use of Pond’s Medicated Creme. And, boy, Revlon’s in the family heirloom WOW!!!!!!! DOUBLE WOW!!!!!!!!! So what’s your name?”

She reels back momentarily, flattered by his demagoguery

“Gertrude DeWindt.”

“Yo, Gang, I think we have some family among us, don’t you?”

SURE LOOKS THAT WAY JOE

“So any relation to Pete?”

“Why yes, he’s my grandson and I remember when he kicked a winning 5-yarder in Milford Pee Wee League Football and we treated him to a Peanut Buster Parfait at the Milford DQ after the game, he just LOVED peanut butter in his ice cream-“

“Ooooooooookkkkkkkk, Mrs. DeWindt, let me present to you how you kick this pigskin right through the uprights that Carol Merrill is holding in front of Door #3. By the time I’m done with you, you’ll be in demand by all the NFL teams. You’ll be able to buy out the Revlon factory with the money you’ll be earning plus what’s behind Door #3. Are you ready to change your life forever?”

“Sure.”

“AWWWWWWWRRRRRRIIIIIGGGGHHHTTTTT HERE WE GO. Ya gotta swing your foot as if fire ants were up your dress, that’s it, swing that foot and limber up, now next, keep your head down and DON’T LOOK UP UNTIL YOU’VE MADE CONTACT. Whattya think, audience?

SHE’S POSING LIKE ‘THE THINKER’ JOE

“Sure does. Rodin couldn’t have sculpted any better. NOW aim the center of your foot toward the center of pigskin that Johnny Olson is holding on the tee and kick with all ya got in ya. Do you want me to hold your dentures? Your son will hold ’em for ya. Fair enough.”

As son stashes them in the rear of his Bermuda shorts

Gertrude is aided by mini-stage twirling in a tarantella, if it were a record, “Feelings” would sound like “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida”, she is swinging, swinging, swinging, makes bulls-eye target with the football, the pigskin is true through the uprights…

“SEE I TOLD YOU GANG MY PATENTED TECHNIQUES WORK!!!!!!!!!!!”

YOU SURE DID JOE

After the cue card rudely tells the audience to settle down and shut up

“Now let’s see what’s behind Door #3.”

 

 

 

 

I have written about these people before but the Austin, Indiana Fuel Mart deserve another shout-out because they treat the customer like royalty. And, gang, do they have the goodies. Lotsa chips, candy bars, hot dogs, cheeseburgers, not to mention the sodas and bottled waters a-plenty and a table full of Little Debbie’s at discount prices. They have ALWAYS treated me like a king and they will afford you the same courtesy, believe me. How they pack so much stuff in a little store, well, that’s a pleasant problem if you ask me. If you’re in the neighborhood (just off I-65) , get your gas and snacks in the same place and be on your way. Makes sense to me. Support Small Business, gang. Take care of those that know you by name. They know mine.

 

 

In response to a sign I saw the other day from an apartment complex in Anywhere, USA, advertising its place with a special incentive emanating from one of its signs “Small Pet Friendly”

“Ohhhhhhh, Marty, I had a great time but what are we going to do with the white rhino? He’s just completely ruined the shower stall. Then he smothered 3 kids playing kickball in the cabin over in the next lot.”

“Damn, Peaches, don’t look at me. The instruction manual said they would grow in 6-8 weeks.”

“Marty, we’ve only had the cabin for 1 week.”

After 6 weeks of haggling and hashing out and taking the Lord’s Name in vain more than necessary in an injury case but FINALLY engineering an out-of-court settlement between Marty Moon (“defendant”) and Mudlark Lake Resort Inc. (“plaintiff”) to everyone’s satisfaction (the latter represented by The Shark) via Marty willing to part with 1/2 an inheritance he received from a rich uncle who traveled with Dr. Livingstone in the jungles of Africa when his uncle wasn’t serving as President of Milford Mercedes-Benz)

“If rhinos have trespassed into your bathtub uninvited, call The Shark today at 1-FON-THE-JAWS. We’ll fight to get get you the money you deserve.”

“I had my right leg chewed off by my neighbor’s leopard who lives down the hallway from my apartment in Milford Luxury Suites. I found out that he’d been housebroken since he was a kitty but that no trainer was available to control the predator instincts,  something my neighbor failed to report to the landlord. The Shark attacked my neighbor and the leopard and it was roadkill when the dust settled (displaying $3,475,975,024,960, 847 check) . Thanks, Shark.”

“Did a baby elephant demolish your backyard patio verandah, Smokemaster grill included, and send several people, children, embroyos, etc., to Milford General Hospital for multiple injuries and deaths? Call The Shark today!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

Seen on The Bucket marquee

“Bucket Sampler

Spaghetti, Lasagna, Egg Plant Fettucine, 3-Bean Salad, Medium Drink (Mudlar-K-Choc-ola excluded), 2 Breadsticks, Parmesan Cheese included, 8.99

Pop quiz on the 16th-century Italian Renaissance this Friday-know how to spell ‘Titian’, ‘La epoca del penseroso della citta della Roma’, and ‘Arther Fonzarelli-The Fonz'”

 

“IT’S A TRIP TO MUDLARK LAKE RESORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mrs. DeWindt, your husband may be dead, but we’ve thrown in a Rent-a-Boyfriend of your choice direct from the Milford Senior Living Center. You’ll enjoy the Milford Transit Authority transporting you to that dream cabin and a courtesy oxygen tank, personally autographed by George Burns, that Carol Merrill is breathing through…”

 

 

 

This one’s for Crystal at the Edwardsville, Indiana Marathon(across the road from Edwardsville United Methodist Church, from either place you could run the 100-yard dash to I-64). She ALWAYS has a smile on your face and lets you know how much she appreciates your business which explains why the place is ALWAYS busy. The mechanics there are always hoppin’ as well as there are ALWAYS vehicles in the lot, waiting to be fixed. They do good work at a fair price, folks. Gang, unless you are in Timbuktu, swing on by and patronize this business. They have earned my respect, as well as several other peoples’ respect, to make things a hell of a better store.

Sure, we all shop at Wal-Mart. But you need to be somewhere where EVERYBODY knows your name. Crystal knows mine. Support small business. Keep America strong.

 

“And Seven Chinese Brothers have sent a booming kick straight into orbit. We have an Official’s Time-Out as the grounds crew is being sent to one of Jupiter’s moons, Io, to retrieve the ball. This will give me an opportunity to take a commercial break. Milford cuts into the lead with 7:24 remaining in the 3rd Quarter with the score, Tates Creek, 28, Milford, 17, you’re listening to Marty Moon, the voice of WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

Mr. Price has entered the office of the Milford Men’s Clinic.

Several minutes later, the secretary, unwilling to admit her sadistic pleasure at observing the poor, timid creature, meekly reading the April 2004 issue of “Family Circle”, trying to devour the article ‘How to Spread Mulch More Evenly on your Petunias in the ‘Hood of Milford'”

“May I help you?”

“Um, yes, perhaps you can. I’m here to see a doctor about my, well, let me express myself as best that I can, dearth of sexual fortitude. I am filled with a mortal disturbance that my wife continually calls me, how did she utter the words, oh, yes, ‘limpdick’.”

Ceasing her sadistic streak, once again becoming Donna Reed behind the sliding glass window

“No problem, Sir. It’s always good to come in for an oil change. You’ll be good as new comin’ out of the shop. We need you to fill out these papers.”

As the secretary hands Mr. Price  a clipboard with 27 sheets of homework. Peter Brady isn’t around to assist. Not even Peter’s snow jobs will get Mr. Price out of this one.

“I like how you filled out my Aflac Insurance Papers. Many secretaries skip the part on where I attended kindergarten. And thank you for mercifully skipping the part on how I get myself sexually pumped before bedtime (not willing to admit he humps a Cabbage Patch Doll) .”

“You still haven’t stated in the section on Sexual Activity how many times per week you’ve had sex with your wife. And we need to know if you’ve EVER had any extramarital affairs, Mr. Price.”

After putting himself through the meat grinder, Mr. Price has FINALLY reached the summit of Mt. Everest. He BS’d his way through the part on bondage tools (“I merely pretend I’m Roy Rogers and Dale Evans is The Dalton Gang”-none of that remotely true) and proudly turns in his Mona Lisa.

The secretary, sensing that much of this is sexaul malarkey, gets her revenge by foisting on Mr. Price another piece of paper.

A POP QUIZ

And this time, it’s unexpected.

“Have at it, Mr. Price. And take your time. There are no right or wrong answers. Respond the way you feel.”

Mr. Price, feeling like Bugs Bunny when Elmer Fudd is aiming his Uzi in Bugs’ rabbithole, is unsure where to begin. Thank God he has plenty of Papermates.

1)  When my wife sees me in my BVD’s, she creams all over the bed   A)  True  B)  False

2)  It’s a toss-up between my wife and my 3 basset hounds as to who’s more excited to see me  A)  True  B)  False

3)  I am deeply affected when I read in Archie Comix that Archie Andrew stopped in his jalopy in an alley behind Pop’s Choklit Shoppe and tells Jughead Jones that he’s breaking up with Veronica Lodge and has an interest in Jughead  A)  True  B)  False

4)  I share the same feelings when Jughead Jones tells Archie that he’ll stick to his hamburgers, thank you, and has no interest in women or men  A)  True  B)  False

5)  I am overwhelmed and share the same hurt when Midge tells Moose that he’s as erect as an unused garden hose  A)  True  B)  False

6)  If I were in a thong bikini at the Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club, my wife would be fighting off the other women when I’m up on stage boogieing to “Disco Inferno”  A)  True  B)  False

7)  I worry that my students in my 4th Period Greek and Roman Civilization class talk behind my back about my erectile problems concerning my wife  A)  True B)  False

8)  If I see Penthouse or Playboy or Oui displayed on the magazine racks up front at the Milford 7-11 during my lunch hour, I really fight the urge to buy one (or two or…) to heighten my awareness of the situation rather than call my wife where she works and arrange a quickie  A)  True  B)  False

9) The only intimate contact I make is when I feed the lambs Ensure Chocolate Delight at the Milford Petting Zoo.

10) I get sexual ecstasy from laying my soul bare on this Pop Quiz and am willing to tell my wife at home, after she was chewed out by her boss today at work, the same thing

“Well, as you perhaps might have surmised, my sexual station was quite in arrears. But thanks to the Milford Men’s Clinic, I was permitted to rediscover my inner Chi and gain newfound respect with my wife. I didn’t need to render the services of Peter Brady to, shall we say, Bullshit my way(First for everything, Mr. Price, Peter would be proud) through my saturnine erectile dysfunction. With treatment programs that work, my students have noticed my more congenial comportment since I have been able to GET IT ON (a load off his brain which can focus now on grading essays “Caesar’s Relationships with his Generals”)  with my wife at the 22nd hour of the day. Come try them today. You will not be disappointed.”

Comment away, gang. I remember a Major League baseball player, Alex Johnson, reputed to be somewhat sullen, being asked by a reporter “Alex, last year you hit 15 home runs but this year you’ve belted out 20 dingers. What’s the difference?”

“5.”

Kinda sorta how I wanted to answer P2.

 

Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer

“Police Raid Turns Up Giraffe In O.J.’s Apartment!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Simpson will have to pay $1000 fine and perform 100 hours of community service.”

Oh, This One’s Full of Something, All Right.

Here we go again. Over “Days of Wine and Roses” being played by the skunks, squirrels, bears, alligators (brought in by Milford Conservancy Corps last year), beetles, wasps, blue jays, finches, cardinals, chipmunks, giraffes (brought in to eat the dead poplar leaves that litter the streets of Milford which are otherwise unreachable by Milford Tree Service), possums, lizards, white-tail deer, rabbits, ducks, geese, and Bambi and Thumper in the woods beyond our well-meaning-but-slightly-misguided-duo, the plot is reloaded since we still have 7 days, counting today, to bring meaning to the golf plot before it gets the Green Jacket. I think I’d rather listen to Coach Shaw’s cover of Yes’s “Mood for a Day” at Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club. He might struggle trying his best as a Steve Howe wannabe, but it’d be more meaningful AND believable, not that that’s saying much (Sorry, Steve, been listening to your days with Yes, Asia, and your solos (LOVE ’em) for 50 years, didn’t mean to step on any toes).

Robmize is right. Like in ANY sport, if ya don’t make the cut, YA DON’T PLAY, Gil. I’ve been following my high school golf team for well over 30 years and props to them no matter where they placed if they gave their best (all you can ask), but the reality is, if we didn’t qualify they weren’t going to put us in the You’re-a-Bunch-of-Losers-But-Because-You’re-Nice-Guys-And-The-Other-Team’s-Calculator-Wasn’t-Charged-Properly-And-Therefore-Aided-in-Doctoring-The-Scores-Plus-You-Combed-Your-Hair-Back-at-The-Hotel-And-Ate-All-Your-Vegetables-at-The-Tournament-Banquet-We’re-Going-To-Slip-You-Guys-In-When-The-Tournament-Official-Takes-a-Dump-at-The-Port-o-Let-After-He-Purchases-a-$16-Diet-Pepsi-With-Nutrasweet-at-The-Concession-Stand-And-Won’t-Say-Anything-Once-It’s-Too-Late-To-Change-The-Scoreboard Division. No, Gil. We went home.

“I swear on a stack of Golf Digests that we didn’t cheat. Is there a notary around?”

“Yeah, he’s about to tee off with Marty and Jaquan.”

“Ahhhhh, never mind. I’ll just slip the Tournament Official a few Franklins. He’s 2 months behind on his Lexus payments. Why try to prove it when my wallet is stuffed?”

Recently, teenchy’s on-point title “Something Fluky This Way Comes” reminded me of the Ray Bradbury story from which it was derived “Something Wicked This Way Comes” which reminded me of the movie “Duel” where Dennis Weaver is getting chased by this (presumably)psychotic truck driver, an oil rig to be more specific. Well,

Weaver is hungrier than a bear. He sees The Bucket and stops in. Relieved that he’s not being hounded for the time being, he listens to Marty Moon on WDIG before getting out of his car to go inside. The ruling on the integrity of Mutt and Jeff can wait until after he tries the Livercheeseburger and Bucket fries.

Then he sees the tanker, parked 100 feet down the parking aisles.

Guess psychos like Triple Bucket Burgers too.

Be that as it may, Weaver walks in. He spots Coach Kaz at the 1st table going in.

“Cut it out.”

Coach Kaz looks up from drinking his hi-protein, low-carb, fat-free, vitamin-enriched, low-sodium, Nutrasweet-induced, nitrogen-loaded, egg included, chocolate and maraschino cherry shake, while his kids are finishing up their child’s plate of Bucket Crab Meat ‘n’ Tater Tots and his wife is getting nausea from stuffing her face with Bucket ‘o’ Shrimp Scampi w/Roquefort Cheese Sauce, Baked Potato w/ Bucket ‘o’ Sour Cream, extra.

“What are you talking about?”

“Yore tryin’ ta run me over and I’m-a gonna call the police if ya don’t stop”

“Sir, I’ve never seen you before. Would I risk my kids and my wife just to settle a score WHILE DRIVING IN A VEHICLE?”

“Ya mean, ya ain’t drivin’ an oil rig?”

“Where am I going to fit the kids? In the luggage box?”

Trapped, he moves on.

Grabbing the person in the next booth by the throat,

“Ya ass-wipin’ son of a bitch!!!!! Ya done killed one human being, I don’t keer what the judge sed!!!!!!!!!! Ya out to set a record????”

A teenager hurries to the rescue

“Mister, that’s his son!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Lets go of him.

Then grabs a waitress

“Awright, the game’s up!!!!!!!! Lay off the accelerator pedal out there!!!!!!! I knows ya didn’t wanna be late for work, but this is ridiculous!!!!!!!!”

“SIR!!!!!!!! I’ve got skates on!!!!!!!!”

Sees the footwear down below and sees Kaz has has seen enough and releases the car hop.

He sits down to order. He still has his coupon for 1/2-Off Tuesdays on all Bucket Biscuit Combos. The Bucket Biscuit w/ French Toast, Bucket ‘o’ Sassafras Maple Syrup extra. He’s thankful he brought his Visa card. The Bucket doesn’t accept American Express.

Gang, are you in for a treat!!!!!!! Because I feel good about continuing a trend from last week, you old-timers like yours truly remember Match Game from the early ’70’s where the host Gene Rayburn read off a passage that contained a blank in it and you had to fill in that blank with an a answer and hope that your answer matched the 6 celebrities answering the same question.

It got hilarious when the passage contained a blank that was, say, VERY suggestive and your imagination ran wild with all kinds of nasty possibilities. BTW, I thought you whippersnappers might like this one too. Answers are encouraged. Have fun with it!!!!! Without further ado, take ‘er away, Gene.

“Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW     DUMB      WAS  SHE????), she thought that when she was cheating with The Born Losers, she could use her __________ to hide her score.”

It’s your turn, gang.

Hats off to Katie Dauenhauer and Emmali Lear. Katie works at Culver’s and Emmali works at JoAnn Fabrics, both in Louisville. Taking the bus to your job only tells me you love to work and make a difference in people’s lives. You keep America rolling, Ladies. We need more of you.

And, no, Donna Green, I didn’t forget you. You keep Thornton’s in Valley Station, Ky. going with your friendly smile and can-do attitude. Customers are a premium with you and it shows with how busy the place ALWAYS is. Gang, if you’re in the area, swing on by (the one NORTH of Gene Snyder Freeway, BTW). She deserves it. Face it, we all shop at Wal-Mart. Nothing wrong with that. But you need a place where everybody knows your name. She will. Take care of people like Donna who take care of you.

And just WHO or WHAT does Gil have in mind in this Flashback Moment when he talks about adding 6 more (steady the nerves, T. Drew. Take another sip of Hills Brothers and keep repeating “It’s only a golf plot, it’s only a golf plot…”)? I’M GUESSING Tony and Wilson are in amongst those 6 but there’s still 4 more and who would THEY be? The Four Tops? Winkin’, Blinkin’ and Nod plus their agent? Murderer’s Row? I mighta overfigured or underfigured on the last one. That’s what happens when you hang around The Pine Range Gang. You are the company you keep, our mothers always said.

“Sheriff Dillon, ain’t no way The Dalton Gang hit that many bulls-eyes at the shootin’ tournament. They musta cheated.”

“Way ahead of you. Our deputies hid behind a rock and watched ’em. They were yankin’ dynamite out of Miss Kitty’s butt and hurlin’ ’em when the judges weren’t lookin.”

“Gil, you’ve got ‘Over, Under, Sideways, Down’ listed on your entry forms. What age are they?”

Gil takes off his earphones after jamming to Yardbird “What did you say?”

If ya git recertified by Roehl Truck Lines and ya proudly display yore ‘A’ license in front of yore oil-tanker rig ya’ve bin drivin’ since Red Sovine advertised his records on K-Tel during the commercial break from the ABC Afternoon Special in one of them thar Trucker Recruitin’ Booklets in the booklet rack in front of a Pilot Truck Stop in Tennessee somewhar, ya might be a redneck.

Dennis is still munching down on his Bucket Livercheeseburger. The Bucket Biscuit w/ French Toast wasn’t enough to sate his appetite, neither was The Bucket Tortellini con Aglio e Olio, Il Formaggio Al Fresco, L’Acqua e Il Pane Contorno, Vino Blanco optional, and is about to down a Rolaids Wintergreen to keep the esophagus alive when he notices Gil leave the men’s room. Gil had just deposited a load of Buffalo Bucket o’ Chicken Fries. Our anti-hero watches him exit out the door. Gil is heading toward the oil rig. Could it be? Gil gets out his keys. Mimi catches up with him, slurping down her last drops of her plenty o’ prunes and bananas shake. They head to the door of the rig, Mimi likely to snooze in the sleeper area, then they both turn sharply right. Next thing you know, Gil pedals out with Mimi on their tandem. Gil had forgotten the bicycle lock combination and had to activate the switch on his key ring.

STILL August, teachers, coaches, staff, etc. STILL trying to make ends meet before this plot releases them from their supernumerary jobs, we read the latest review from the music critic, Jennifer Hutshall, from the Milford Enquirer, and I quote

“…Coach Shaw displayed a deftness rarely seen in modern times in M-town. Playing the unplugged version of ‘Layla’ at the Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club last night brought a tear to more than one person’s eyes amidst the crowd. Even the dancers had to pass the hanky around since the paper towel dispenser was out of paper towels. The ladies performing entrechats and pas-de-deux’s to the rhythm of ‘Swan Lake’ just intensified this combo Earl Klugh-Jon McGlaughlin performer in the making. Mimi Thorp shakin’ her booty every time the lyric ‘ya got me on my knees’ was sung added a nice touch. An encore presentation is scheduled for tonight and reservations for tickets is recommended. Overflow parking in the parking lot of the Milford Toyota plant…”

Jaquan Case is leaving The Bucket, along with his trainer Are they team drivers? Weaver doesn’t dare stand in the way to find out. Jaquan has “S” knitted on his jacket. Standard Oil? Maybe the letters faded off the oil rig. They both share a laugh, toting their doggie bags of Bucket Deerburgewrs and beeline toward the rig. Case opens the door. Case is a psycho? Nope, he’s leaving a Jehovah’s Witness Watchtower tract and doing the same in all the cars  in the parking lot. Then he and his buddy get in the Subway semi because they have a Texas run to make after they make their dropoff at the Milford Subway. Gotta deliver it pronto if ya wanna get it fresh. Weaver slams his table knife down in disgust and continues contracting heartburn from his Livercheeseburger. The stress is killing him. Not to mention the suspense. Shame he’s not part of the golf plot. It’d be INTERESTING. Stupid, and may run over into September (October???? No), but interesting.

Gang, comment away. This plot is ridiculously predictable but I’m telling you nothing new. And neither is the plot.

“NOW YOU LAY OFF OR I’M GONNA GIT MY SHOTGUN OUTTA THE TRUNK AND ASK QUESTIONS LATER!!!!!!!!!! YA TRIED TA RAM ME INTO THE MILFORD & OAKWOOD  TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Ms. Rizk patiently looks up.

“Sir, that isn’t my oil rig in the student parking lot. I’ve been in this room, typing for 2 decades.”

Golf Plot At OK Corral

This is getting ridiculously easy to pick apart. We didn’t know who the Dalton Gang was before, we only had clues such as Gunfighting Ethics (“Don’t point that Colt .45 at a woman!!!!!!!!!) or MAYBE locations where they were playing and evidently winning like Pine Ridge CC, BUT WE DO NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! And you gotta be kidding me. I was expecting macho hunks that Little Joe and Hoss would be engaging in war with behind a boulder as big as an elephant or in the kitchen at the Ponderosa ranch. Can’t let ’em steal the microwave, can we, Mr. Cartwright (“Don’t let ’em get the Tupperware!!!!!!!!)?

But nooooooooooooo, these assholes are no worse than what you’d see Greg and Peter and Bobby fighting in the neighborhood on The Brady Bunch or Alfalfa and Spanky and Buckwheat would take on to defend Darla’s honor. If we’re going to endure a bad golf plot in the month of August, damn, Thorpiverse, can we upgrade the villainry? Bart Simpson could waylay these guys with his Butterfingers bar. Heck, the Cartwrights could potty-train these guys.

And then there’s P1. No, no, say it ain’t so, Thorpiverse. Please don’t tell me I’m seeing Wilson Casey with Third Degree Plumber’s Butt. I am really trying to close my eyes and imagine Wilson wearing Jack Nicklaus Haggar slacks and spiffy Arrow golf shirt topped by the sporty golf shoes that earned Nicklaus the moniker “The Golden Bear”. But I open my eyes and I see The Golden Butt in the worst putting stance wearing his gym clothes that he dragged from the lost-and-found hamper in the locker room at Milford High School gym. He’s just roadkill for these jerks who were jerks in their mother’s uterus during gestation. You simply don’t fight Ike Clanton with a water pistol.

And who’s this third guy? Ed McMahon? Just laughs at all their jokes even when they’re not even remotely funny? He just tags along and encourages them to make fun of Wilson and Tony, flout cell phone rules, and tag along in the rear when they’re about to tee off? What a life. Boy, THIS plot’s getting off to a roaring start. And to think we’re just weeks away from football. We only have basically 3 weeks of ineptitude to work in. Can I get him to go get me the $5 Lunch Bucket Brigade? I’ll give him a 10 and he can keep the change.

 

A Duluth Trading Company commercial late at night on The Milford Family Channel

“How to fix Plumber’s Butt:

Step 1: Identify the problem.

‘Man, Dude, I could take putting practice in that thing. You’re a human sand trap!!!!!’

Step 2: Remove those god-awful articles of clothing. Do it in the woods as there are ladies present. Use Off!!!! Spray if you need to and watch the raccoons.

Step 3: Put on Duluth Long Tail T-Shirt and Shorts. Put on Duluth Trading Boxer Shorts first to keep plot on schedule. We don’t want emergency changes in the woods on August 31st.

Step 4: Double-check your work.

‘Ooooooooooooooo, he’s so sexy looking in that Long Tail T!!!!!!!!!!!!! And his butt isn’t dragging along the fairways!!!!!!!!!!!’  ‘Yeah, wish I could say the same for the plot!!!!!!!!’

Problem solved.

 

If ya wore the same clothes to fix yore U-pipe underneath yore sink, proudly displaying yore Grand Canyon to the world, that ya yore later that afternoon when ya knocked in a hole-in-one, with Gil ‘n’ Kaz ‘n’ a Notary serving as witnesses, ya might be a redneck.

 

Additions to the survey that a person receives when they eat at The Bucket

 

Did you order items from the Dollar Menu?  1) Yes  2) No  3) Aren’t all items at The Bucket dollar items?

What did you order?

Bucket Bitty Burger

Bucket Burrito

Bucket Biscuit w/Sausage

Bucket Biscuit w/Hot Cakes

Bucket Biscuit w/Lollipop

Bucket Chicken Sandwich

Bucket o’ Ribs

Bucket o’ Ribs Marinaded in Jack Daniels Straight

Bucket o’ Ribs Marinaded in Jack Daniels Straight w/Hot Cakes

Bucket o’ Ribs Marinaded in Jack Daniels Straight w/ Hot Cakes and Chaser

 

Rate the cleanliness of the rest rooms  1) Before I got diarrhea from the Lousiana Lightnin’ Sauce on the Bucket o’ Ribs?  2) Somewhat Unclean  3) Neither Clean nor Unclean  4) Somewhat Clean  5) Very Clean

I had to use the Time-Out Table because I said the Bucket Con Carne looked like something Mr. Ed would consume out of his pail  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Disagree

Did you use drive-thru?  1) Yes  2) No  3) I would have used drive-thru but my car got repossessed by Milford Finance

How fast was drive-thru?  1) Very Slow  2) Somewhat Slow  3) Neither Fast nor Slow  4) Somewhat Fast  5) Checker Flag at Pick-Up

Rate the friendliness of drive-thru staff  1) Very Unfriendly  2) Somewhat Unfriendly  3) n/a-cashier had to take a dump  4) Somewhat Friendly  5) Like Mr. Green Jeans was taking your order

 

Due to overwhelming popularity with Buy One Liver Cheeseburger and Bucket Fries Combo, Get One Free, we are adding a Bucket Road Ice Cream Float to order to express our appreciation to our great customers and to address complaints of Liver Cheese breath by some of our customers. We apologize for any inconvenience.

 

Then there’s Mutt and Jeff. Insulting my hobby (LOVE to collect old comic strips) aside, let’s just call these jerks…Mutt and Jeff. Why not? They pretty well wrote their own script on this one and will have a hard time getting out of this plot(darn the luck). Can anyone be possibly be taking these losers seriously? Yeah, they shoot a few shots at our heroes but there is NO WAY this is Spike Lee vs. Reggie Miller trash talk proportions. My Man Reggie would shrug off these children and keep shooting 3 after 3. Let THESE guys get in your head? Said another way, let Mutt and Jeff get in your head? If Reggie could shake off Spike, he could shake off Dagwood and Barney Google. Come up with spicier attitudes than that, Thorpiverse.

And I’m not EVEN going to comment on P3. Are Mutt and Jeff going to tell Wilson tomorrow when Wilson is hanging his head “You’re mother drives a pickle wagon?” “Your mother wears army boots?” “Your mother eats Mike and Ike Candy”. Yeah, goin’ for the throat, Mutt and Jeff. You’ve really reached new lows. McMahon’s really laughing his ass off when he’s not lapping your behinds in P2.

 

“And here at BlackthorneSt.FabiansPineRidgeAleutianIslands CC, Wilson has dug himself out of the sand trap and scored an eagle, no thanks to Coach T’s coaching. Stick to coaching your kids. We’ll be right back after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“I FEEL LIKE TAKING ALL MY CLOTHES OFF, DANCING TO THE RITE OF SPRING, WHEN I WOULDN’T NORMALLY DO THIS KIND OF THING!!!!!!!!!”

Coach Kaz opens the door to Gil’s office.

Gil is discoing in his Duluth Trading Company boxers. He slams off the jam box.

“Whoooaaaaaa, Gil, I’ll just comer back later.”

“No, no, Kaz, whattya need?”

“Uh, another coach called for Moose. Do you wanna fax his stats?”

“Yeah, but you’re going to have to use Dr. Pearl’s office. Mine’s down again.”

“Sure, sure, I completely understand. I think I have everything in his file.”

“Wait, you might need his SAT scores. I have them in that file cabinet over there.”

“Nahhhh, I think Dr. Pearl has them in her desk and I can get the key from Luhm. You go on and trip the light fantastic.”

“You won’t tell anyone, will you?”

“Who would I tell?”

Gil is stuck for an answer. He can’t ask the audience on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?”

“BTW, did you go to The Bucket and have the Liver Cheeseburger again?”

 

“I had to confront my Erectile Dysfunction problem once and for all. I was having trouble pumping up for Mimi and was resorting to desperate measures. It was embarrassing having to explain to Coach Kaz my position. But he rewarded my coming out of the closet by resteering me to the Milford Men’s Clinic. With treatment programs that work, I can do my best imitation of John Travolta at the Milford Elks Club without worrying about getting the battery charged. And Mimi’s fun in bed too. I can get it on in both places. You can too. Come get that Disco Inferno at the Milford Men’s Clinic today.

 

Gang, go to it. Great comments yesterday and if you’ll help nail Mutt and Jeff to the wall, it would be mucho apreciado.

 

“Do you want a hot apple pie or 3 cookies for a dollar with your Liver Cheeseburger and Bucket Fries Combo?”

If you were serious about improving you wouldnt wait til August 3rd to start!

What the fuck?? So Gil meets these 2 dildos who apparently love golf enough that they’ll ride thier bikes in the rain to the course. You’d figure if theyre already caddying they should have a working knowledge of golf already. But here’s Gil arriving to teach them.. what?? Doesnt a normal golf course have a pro on hand to give lessons? Especially a private one?  Why the hell does this course have to have the local high school football/basketball/baseball coach come over after his baseball season just ended in August to teach some jimokes how to swing a club, after they should have been playing since freakin April? What have they been doing all this time? Waiting for Gil? By now they should have 25 rounds under their belts – this year. As a longtime golfer this is insulting my intelligence. My dad was a caddie at Olympia Fields CC for a few years in high school, and he didnt need any high school coach telling him anything. He learned to play watching the players he caddied for. These guys should be telling Gil to get the hell outa here cuz we’ve been practicing and playing for months now under the tutulage of Mister Golf Course Pro.

I’m not even starting on Panel 3.  Kid who’se 3 feet tall and carrys maybe 5 clubs in his bag has the moxie to say that? Again, how do those guys get THAT FAR on the course and not know something like that? Where are the ground rules in the clubhouse with that info? And what the hell does that little rule have to do with this storyline anyway??

I need to snap a club in half right now.

Oh for the love of Jay

 

So finally, Finally after we’re over the mess of Barry Bader and Dafne the reporter and Mrs. Bader and Kevin P annoying us even when he isnt trying to, and we think we’re in for a nice change of pace with a fresh story and new faces and summer stuff etcetera etcetera, (contract in Willy Wonka movie 1971) we get…………………………….this.

Jay Bhatia. Jay Bhatia?? This is what we’ve been waiting for? Its July 19. Everyones been out of school for a month and a half, and these 3 clowns are still dicking around the office, and the hallways, figuring out who’s gonna Start the next game?? We still HAVE a next game?? When the hell is the LAST game?

First of all how do you pronounce his name? Is is Basha, or Ba hasha, or Bay sha, or Ba Hay sha, or Bay tee ya? I couldnt even find that on Google.                                             Kaz saying he stopped by twice means – what the hell did you accomplish the first time Mister Coach? Oh, we’ll never find out. These guys have time to do everything but move along to the next season.

So Jays point is the pitching is the key to victory, not Kevins launch angles? What was all the time with Kevin spent for then? (See last sentence in 3rd paragraph). Here I thought Kevin was the straw that stirs the drink.

Then Gil tells Jay he’s starting the next game. You know what? In a normal high school team, there is a rotation. All the pitchers know ahead of time when its their turn. So only because of this random conversation, which took TWO trips to the office, Jay finds out he’s starting the next game. Against Oakwood. How many days until that game, Coach? Good thing Jay went twice – once wouldve led him to believe Gil was buying his Bobby Howry-like stat analysis. How many games is ‘With everyone else’?? 6? Real big sample size, Stat Boy. We havent had a storyline about just baseball in forever. Now we’re starting? On July 19??

Bottom line is Gil doesnt care about stats; he decides who pitches and thats that. Fine. But it looks like a way to get Jay out of the way so he can go back in the office and work on that lemonade for the last (only) week of summer whenever it comes.

In the meantime I’ve decided that Jays last name is pronounced – Ba Ha.