A bright, brisk Spring morning sees Tom Muench pick up Mark Godleski. So this is the beginning of the new plot. Tom Muench was name checked a few times in the just ended crapshow that was the Schuring/Watson, um, show of crap. Godleski is probably new. I don’t think I remember his name. Billy?
I have two questions so far. What is going on with Muench’s car? Does he go mudding in his four door sedan? Maybe he lives on a dirt road. I guess this is Spring in Milford. Dirty, melting snow on the roads could be involved. Does Muench’s ride have undercoating?
The second question concerns “The Mayor”. I assume it’s a nickname, like Ossie Davis’ character in Do The Right Thing. (Technically he was “Da Mayor“.) Anybody nicknamed The Mayor in this context has the inside track as standout self-aggrandizing character for this season’s plot.
7:14PM-We did stake-out in front of the Milford Public Library. My partner, Bill Gannon, was munching on his 7th Baconator w/ Swiss Cheese while I was about to smoke through my carton of Bel-Air’s. We were sure the illegal operation was going through the doors of what was once a Carnegie Library but we had to be careful. We couldn’t ID a patron’s library card without a warrant and we also didn’t want to blown away by a little old lady with an Uzi under her collection of mystery novels like Sue Grafton’s “M is for Milford”.
We hit paydirt. A gentleman who exhibited the ugliest Mr. T filament I had ever seen since they cancelled “The A-Team” walked into front entrance with more test aids than Barron’s. And I had a hunch he wasn’t headed to one of the conference rooms for a book discussion on Ray Bradbury’s “Golden Apples of the Sun.”
“Police officers!!!!!!!! Get your hands up and spread ’em out!!!!!!! Bill, frisk ’em for any weapons!!!!!!!”
“Mr. Friday, if you have overdue library items, we can renew them for 3 more weeks. You have 1 renewal allowance left.”
“Don’t try anything cute. I know you have illegal shipments of PSAT exams somewhere. Bill, check under the Xerox copier.”
“Mr. Friday, I assure you, we haven’t any illegal materials or drugs. And if we see or hear anything suspicious, we do our duty as citizens to call the police.”
“That’s what the commander at Pearl Harbor said and there were bombs in his file cabinet. Don’t try to cover this bomb or the judge will convict you on a Section 75, Article 401, “Illegal Storage of Educational and Public Institutional Reading Provisions Within and On General Library Property”. A confession now will lighten the sentence.”
“Joe, maybe she’s right. All I found at the copier was the crossword puzzle section out of the Milford Enquirer. Somebody forgot to take it off the glass.”
“Awwwwrrightt, you were lucky this time. But if I spot so much as a take-home portion of the SAT on the Fiction shelves, I’m gonna run you in and you better have a good lawyer. We’ll be back.”
Gang, you Dirty Harry buffs remember the scene where a psycho who’s on a killing rampage pays this bruiser to beat the tar out of him so that this psycho can frame the police and make it appear like police brutality? This bully just keeps beating him and beating him, finally the bully lands a crusher on him and says “This one’s on the house.”
And when I saw Teddy and his oversize hand throw the contraband on Chris, I felt like that psycho.
“Gil, you mean you want me to kick you in the nuts and rip your hair so that you can have a reason to call in sick? You’re not around much anyway. And I don’t like getting Brylcream all over me.”
“Please do it. Dr. Pearl said I couldn’t use any more sick days and unless I got ran over by the Milford & Oakwood Midnight Special, I was to fulfill the rest of my teacher’s contract and coach the balance of the season. And my cruise ship tickets to The Bahamas are non-refundable.”
BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“This one’s on the house, Mimi.”
CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer
“Sting Operation At Testing Site At Milford Community College Nets $1.7 Million In Confiscated Hot SAT Materials!!!!!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
“Detective Friday: ‘I noticed one of the dealers carrying a Magic Marker into the classroom instead of 2 #2 pencils. And when he didn’t have his calculator, that’s when I put the finger on him. Those punks never had a chance.”
THE STREAK IS BACK
Boy o boy, we got the package today. Dark Shadows Hand in P1 and now The Streak in P2. And I remember when Dan Curtis, who produced Dark Shadows, screened actors for his show so that it would be that much scarier. He wanted people who were REALLY freaky, were excellent actors, and were terrific with the public. Jonathan Frid, who played Barnabas Collins, was a good example. He was a veteran Shakesperean actor and was super with the fans. He would stop on the streets to sign an autograph. People loved him. And when you saw his displaying those vampire teeth on the TV screen, that just confirmed the issue.
Well, Teddy can’t act and it’s hard for me to believe after he got detention that he has a good rapport with the hoi polloi BUT he is super freaky with that hairdo. He’s 1/3 of the way there should the networks return Dark Shadows to the spotlight. He might catch up by then, especially if he quits getting detention for sticking sting bombs in Barnabas’ coffin. Don’t hold your breath.
Anybody who leaves a streak, er, trail with Kaplan’s AP Guide to Trigonometry ledger notes on the Head Librarian’s desk is in serious need of reform. Those cosine and sine functions in the doorway attest to that.
BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“This one’s on the house.”
KERBLOOEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Dude, did you have to that to Dr. Pearl? I don’t care how much she paid you. She’s got a face that was born before the French and Indian War.”
2:31PM, Next day-In order to nab these vermin in the act, we had to think like them. So we had Bill Gannon pose as a conferderate. He was to be an SAT Test buyer and so he had to learn the tricks of the trade. It wasn’t going to be easy because Bill barely passed high school. Last-minute intervention by Dr. Pearl kept Gannon from being sent on the front line at the Battle of the Bulge. He owed her one.
“Joe, I think I have this down pat. I had a little trouble with the Essay Section but I got an ‘A’ n my term paper at the Milford Police Academy on ‘Criminal Tactics on Bucket Burger Swindlers’. And I got my calculator in case he tries to pull an arctan on me. I memorized the Math Section cold. I bet I’d score an 800 easily.”
“The real test is when those punks try to smell you out. Your testimony better be tight. Let’s go over the Verbal Section one more time.”
“Sure, Joe. Okay, Mr. Punk, I looked over these analogies and they appear to be in good working order. BASKETBALL:INERTIA seem to align with SPORTS:NONEXISTENCE. And I filled in the blanks with ‘Gil ______________ the season in order to party even if the populace_________________ for more activity’ with ‘trashed’ and ‘clamored’. Gotta watch those opposites. I almost answered ‘consummated’. I’ll take ’em. Got plenty of Benjamin’s. Name your price.”
“You’ll knock ’em dead, Bill.”
Slightly peppy music imbues Dragnet while Bill and Joe leave the physics lab.
If ya bribe the guy at the bar so ya can git the answer sheet to yore arithmatic ex-am-in-na-shun and finally pass 3rd grade and the ne’er-do-well throws in a slide rule ab-suh-lute-ly gratis, ya might be a redneck.
“Okay, it all checks out. The logarithm of 100 is 2 so ‘None of the above’ is the correct answer. And I’ll give in on the Antonym Section. I reckon ‘hirsute’ is the opposite of ‘immaculate’. You drive a hard bargain. I still say it’s ‘shiny’. Remember, it’s NEAREST in meaning. But if you’ll throw in a Videocassette on ‘Big Jake’s Sweating to a 1600 on the SAT’, I’ll call it even.”
“Deal.”
“Gentlemen, I need the goods if you want the cash.”
“Okay, Jiffy Pop Head, you go with Frank and get the stuff out of the van. Here’s the key.”
“I got a better idea LET’S ALL GO POLICE OFFICERS YOU’RE UNDER ARREST!!!!!!!!!!”
____________
“You got a warrant?”
“Right here wedged in this test booklet, punk. You better start asking what oars you’re gonna need when you get sent up the river.”
“I was only doing what any Robin Hood would do to help a poor schmuck to Harvard. I ain’t all bad.”
“Son, you can’t just hock answer sheets and crib notes out of the professor’s vertical file at Milford Community College. There’s laws against that. Personally, I don’t want a guy majoring in electric engineering at MIT with egg on his conscience. What’d you find in the briefcase, Joe?”
“The price tag is still fresh on the ‘Barron’s Prep Guide to Better Scores on the SAT’, answers included. Straight out of the Milford CC Bookstore. He doesn’t have a prayer before the judge.”
“Jiffy Pop Head, didn’t I tell you to burn those tags?”
“I couldn’t help it. They’re made out of the same material as Gil’s hair.”
“So’s your brain.”
“THAT’S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU TWO. YOU’RE IN ENOUGH HOT WATER WITH DR. PEARL. DON’T TRIP ON THE WAY TO THE COURTROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CRUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Luhm, I’m stickin’ this broom handle up your butt on the house.”
OWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“This is Marty Moon with a Special Report at Milford High School where the janitor was brutalized. Mr. Luhm, what happened?”
“Gil did all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him I couldn’t wax the floor until after the players left the scrimmage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He’ll pay for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Dum da dum dum
Dum da dum dum
DUMMMMMMMMMMMM
“This farce you have just seen is true. The names are unfortunately true and exposing the innocent.
“On March 4th, trial was held in the cafeteria of Milford High School at the PTA meeting. In a moment, the results of that trial.”
“Folks, I hope those smugglers get the book thrown at them. Whether it’s Dan-O or Joe Friday, nobody more than me likes to see a guy strapped to a chair because McGarrett or Friday caught them breaking into a student’s locker and stealing that student’s Pudding Pops.
Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. And, boy, do I have a menu for you while you’re watching Friday hangin’ ’em high at Tombstone. Our enterprises and El Tarasco Restaurant have joined together to provide you with even better quality products that you can snarf straight off the TV tray.
Try our new Gil Thorp Italian Sausage ‘n’ Enchiladas Verdes. Mmmmmm, mmm, I can almost smell Mimi smokin’ ’em off the electric stove. With that aroma and Milford Dairies Sour Cream, I’m bettin’ Joe Friday nails then in the next Dragnet episode when the bad guys try to pillage the Milford Food Pantry for guacamole dip.
Are you a shrimp guy? No problem. Gil Thorp Sage Seasoned Sausage y Camarones al Chipotle is just the thing to lay on the grill when the gang comes over to watch Major League Baseball Game of the Week. And Chihuahua Cheese will bat a thousand every time when you’re topping the patties. Hey, and I didn’t know Camarones meant ‘shrimp’. I always thought it meant ‘camera’. Goes to show you us coaches are always learning a new play to put in the playbook.
And you quiche eaters out there who don’t buy grills can always indulge in Gil Thorp Mild Sausage Fajita Burrito Grande. Even Grandma will enjoy this Grande, especially when you marinate the Sausage of Choice. If you wussies want to go stronger, we have onions and peppers for just a few cents extra. Sometimes Joe Friday’s gotta play Rambo and throw tear gas in the faculty lounge if he wants the juvenile delinquents to surrender. We’re fine either way.
Come check out these and other fine Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage products in your grocers’ coolers. You don’t have to go south of the border for good eatin’. We’re right in your neighborhood.”
With Teddy and his buddy standing in front of a blank wall
“Teddy Demarco a/k/a Roger M. Klotz and Jiffy Pop Head were found guilty of two counts of “Illegal Test Preparation Trafficking” and 5 counts of “Harassment of Illegal Contraband onto the General Populace” according to Section 102, Article 9 of the Milford Municipal Legislative Compendium and is punishable by a fine of $35,000 on each count and not more than 5 years of Detention in the Study Hall with Parole set for 2 years by the Milford Parole Commission.”
“Demarco and Jiffy Pop Head are now serving Detention at Milford High School for 3 years.”
Gang, you mean the world to me. I bet you have better shooting form than Schuring too. Better arch, anyway.
BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CRUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KLUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Oops, sorry, Gil. Had too many Camarones con arroz. Here’s a twenty back.”
Well we were going along just swimmingly for so long, then the truck went into the ditch. Chris’s hairbrained idea only opens up a new can of worms for Alexa, and why a level-headed girl like Phoebe even agrees to pass on this idea to her bestie instead of telling Chris to hit the road, is beyond me.
I kinda see his point. Like a diet– you have to not only change your eating habits, you must also change your lifestyle, otherwise the diet will not have a long shelf life and you’ll be back to your old ways in no time. It takes a while for habits to change.
He figures if Alexa acts like the boss everywhere, she’ll get used to it so much that it’ll translate to more forceful play on the court. I get that.
But his logic is just .. weird. Who the hell cares if she’s a half step in front of someone. SO IS EVERYONE ELSE!!! You got 500 students or so walking the halls between classes; no way is everyone on the same pace. She’ll quickly figure out it doesnt work, like a bad experiment. Then she’ll be back to her moody ways, and plus, she may inadvertantly knock over someones books or shove someone in the back, and the hallways of a school require a lot of courtesy in that regard. Rudeness doesnt fly anywhere, no matter how much better that makes her on the court.
And how is a height advantage of any use in the hallways, save for seeing above some other heads moving to and from class?? My long legs got me moving faster when I needed to, not my tall body.
Hey Chris , as Clark Griswold would say, you’re in deep.
As some readers have mentioned, it was actually getting interesting when Alexa and Chris were engaged in thrust-and-parry combat. Then Teddy and Mozzarella Cheese Hair entered the room, prepared for battle that sunk to the level of Our Gang. It’s a shame Teddy didn’t bring a slingshot when he wasn’t pulling on Susan Willcox-(fill in desired surname)’s hair. Oh, Spanky was using it in the next room for target practice on Kaz’s earring. So he had to resort to playing recordings of Alfalfa’s singing (“Darla’s Kisses Are Sweeter Than Mimi’s”) while Chris was making his presentation of the Balfour Declaration. Next time play “Does the Chewing Gum Lose its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight” if you’re going to interrupt the Geneva Accords. We don’t need class clowns who get all their supplies at Milford Army Surplus Store.
If ya git sent ta the office cuz ya shouted out in class that Buckwheat poops in technicolor behind the mulberry bushes on yore landlord’s property while the teacher wuz doin’ one more round on the multipli-kay-shun tables afore ya take the 10th-grade final exam, ya might be a redneck.
And I’m being sarcastic here. Really, with all the tomfoolery instigated by Teddy, he could have at least waited until Chris had something INTERESTING to say. Why in the name of Fatty Arbuckle bring a solar-powered fart dispenser if Chris wasn’t going to be any more interesting than Gil’s Rules of Order? Was it worth getting sent to Sing Sing when Teddy popped his Bubble Yum as Chris was presenting his home movies?
“And here I am out in the yard, playing with the rake, pretending I’m Norman Bates. I was 4 years old at the time-”
BELLLLLLLCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH
“Sorry, Chris, that Drewrys Lite keeps popping back up. Big luau last night.”
“No worries, Coach.”
I mean, really, what is ORAL REPORT DAY???? Is that a legal holiday?????
Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer
“All Banks, Government Offices And The Milford U.S. Postal Service Will Be Closed Friday In Observance Of Oral Report Day; Milford Tire & Wheel To Remain Open!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
“Mayor Garfield H. Butterly: ‘It is important to remember those who discussed Daniel Boone Crossing The Cumberland Gap in the line of duty.”
I’m wasting a George Harrison classic on a guy whose apex of his speech is flatter than Mudlar-K-Cola Groovy Grape at a church picnic.
“What’s important to remember is that it’s important to remember.”
Milford will live in a Day of Infamy on that one.
“What’s important to remember is that today marks the 73rd Anniversary of Coach Thorp’s Rite of Passage. He would no longer play with Hot Wheels, at least when Mimi wasn’t looking, but enjoy all the Joys of Manhood which he celebrated by hunting white-tail deer with his Remington 34 Special High-Powered shotg-”
FFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRTTTTTTT
“Oops, sorry. Got some Tums in my pocket somewhere.”
Hello, sorry I was scratching my butt while looking for my 3 x 5 note cards on the floor. Anyway, continuing the George Harrison Hit Parade
Wah Wah
You made me such a big star
Ghetto blaster screaming all the time
Cheaper than a dime
Wah Wah
You’re in detention because of
Wah Wah
Jerry Lucas, the excellent basketball player who was a member of the Ohio State team that won the NCAA Championship and who later had a solid NBA career, teamed with Harry Lorayne, a memory expert, to write a superb book on how to improve your memory. Gang, I just fell for this book and have been doing so ever since. As far as I’m concerned, it is a crime if you don’t read this book. It helped my memory immensely and has ever since.
The one thing they emphasized was DON’T MEMORIZE A SPEECH. That would make sense. If you’re in front of a large group of people, like a classroom full of kids or the patrons down at the Milford Moose Lodge auditorium, you really don’t want to sound like the Jetsons’ computer.
So if you have trouble remembering what you want to say, use key words that link each other to carry you from one topic to the next topic. If you get the key words cold, you should be able to go to town on each topic you’re covering.
Say you’re talking about the Civil War. You could use Gil’s coaching to associate with George McClellan’s ineptitude and apparent unwillingness to move the Army of the Potomac like Chris should associate with in P2. That way, if Teddy’s cell phone barks out The Tremelos “Silence is Golden” or Hank Williams’ “Settin’ the Woods on Fire”, Chris won’t miss a beat when he remembers that Gil not only can’t coach out of a Bucket Economy Bag, he also has a wife. This will trigger expounding upon Joseph Hooker at the Battle of Chancelorsville. Mimi’s coaching will be associated with Ambrose Burnside, i.e., “Wow, Mimi, is your husband growing sideburns? They look horrible with that Everly Brothers look. BTW, your team sucks.” If that doesn’t earn an A+ in your speech class, I’m burning the book.
Gene Rayburn is back to bring perspective to things. Welcome back, Gene. Take ‘er away
“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought giving the Gettysburg Address was appropriate when Teddy played on his___________________”
Wah Wah
We don’t need this Wah Wah
It’s Swahili for Holy Bull Crap
Coach is essentially a sap
Wah Wah
Play-calling is a
Wah Wah
Another item Lorayne and Lucas pointed out was that certain memory tricks are valid but limited. For example, memorizing the altitude of Mount Fuji, highest point in Japan, is easy because 12,365 feet can be broken down to 12 months and 365 days both being equal to 1 year. The problem is that when you get to Mt. Milford, the highest point in the comic pages at 22,079 feet, it’s a little trickier. You really have to have a consistent system in your pocket to continue.
They came up with a number system that you matched with a letter or group of letters. For example, 5 would be “L” because when you put all your fingers together and extended your thumb while keeping your palms open, you formed the letter “L”. The number 2 was “N”, 0 was “S” or “Soft C”, 7 was “K” or “Hard C” and 9 was “P” or “B”. So the above figure could be a snap because at NOON (“22”) , I am scheduled to pick up my order of a SACK OF PIES (“079”) at The Bucket. I’d want a cherry on top but I ran out of numbers. It’s got its kinks, I’ll admit. But if Chris has to remember that 3,045 Union soldiers were killed at Stones River in Tennessee, all he has to do is look at Mozzarella Head (3 for “M”, 0 for “Z”, 4 for “R”, and 5 for “L”) and picture him and Teddy attempting to revive 3,045 soldiers with their ghetto blaster that they got from the Commisary at Ft. Donelson and I guarantee that Chris will be asked to give the Luckiest Man Alive speech at the Milford Kiwanis Club Silent Auction this Saturday since Lou Gehrig won’t be able to attend for obvious reason.
Mimi
I don’t need your Wah Wah
I can coach with my Lasik Vision in me
My point guard shootin 3’s-
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
“Yeah?”
“Gil, this is Dr. Pearl. Don’t give up. My husband suffered from Beenie Weenie but now he’s cured. I have an ad for a free exam from Thrifty Nickel you can take down to the Clinic. We have a bunch of them in the garage.”
One other concept they taught in this book was picture association. The more bizarre, the better. Because what are you most likely to remember? Events that are unusual or strange. They stand out more.
Exhibit A in P3. This’ll get the memory up and running. Two Jokers, one a Transformed Humanoid, i.e., overhauled hair arrangement from Mozzarella Cheese Head to Jiffy Pop Top, walking in an M.C. Escher hallway with the Siamese Twins behind them after the latter got dumped with Benjamin Moore Vanilla White Paint after Luhm knocked it over when he was scratching the pimples in his butt.
Okay. Here we go. Picture an ash tray (Escher) at The Bucket (c’mon, comic strip or no comic strip, you can use your imagination) next to a table that has a bowl of vanilla ice cream topped with Jiffy Pop that changes into Sargento Sharp Cheddar (whoopsy daisy, mozzarella, my bad) with the Joker and Mrs. Joker double-dating with the Siamese Twins (assume twins are male and female stapled together) sitting down at that table while pimples are looming over the horizon about to infest the Town of Milford after the Milford Fire Department forgot to spray down the streets with Clearasil but the EMT had a spare wrench and turned on the fire hydrant, everybody at The Bucket able to see his crack when he was bending over to turn it on. Oh, then he had to serve detention after his shift was over.
And because 2 was associated with “N” because it took 2 downstrokes to create the letter, The Joker and Mrs. Joker danced to “Stroke Me” twice on the jukebox, wait a minute, that’s Panel 2.
But call me at 3:00AM sometime and see if I can’t remember all this in 15 seconds. Picture association is cutting edge, My Friend.
Thanks again for your patience. I should be able to cut things earlier so if you’ll hang with me, I’ll go half on the Jiffy Pop.
Also on the same album
These boys are so forlornly
They fart and burp in shame
They try to be so funny
But fart and burp in shame
How we sit here broken-hearted
A plot lost in the city
Forget this ever passed
Isn’t it a pity
At the Milford Comedy Club on Open-Mike Night
“…what do I look like, a turnip that just turned up in its Fruit of the Looms?”
Dead silence
“You gotta use word association, work with me…”
And as Abraham Lincoln said about Gil Thorp
“He’s an admirable engineer but he has a special talent for the stationary engine.”
Still no word on who this administrative lady is chatting with Gil in the teacher’s lounge about student athlete’s GPAs. We know she’s a witty one, though. Upside the noggin with a Reebok? That’s some colorful slang. Mystery Admin is also quite dialed in to happenings in the student sphere at MHS. She knows all about Alexa’s pursuit of the valedictorian seat as well as Alexa’s potential for footwear assault. One might speculate that there is some kind of gambling going on based on the student rankings and that Miss Mystery is the one who has “hot tips” gleaned from skulking in the hallways, eavesdropping and/or monitoring social media accounts. She’s a Fantasy GPA Insider! Subscribe to her newsletter if you want any chance at taking the trophy.
Drinking my Maxwell House one day, puttin’ the vinyl “Double Fantasy” on the turntable
People say it’s silly
Lost and confused
TWIMers think it’s messy
Blowing my fuse
When Chet exclaims with a straight beard
That Dumbo’s not around
I flip a coin between Gil and Chet
For who’s the bigger clown
I’m just sittin’ here watchin’ this plot spin ’round ‘n’ ’round
I really loathe this cruddy show
May we depart this hopeless merry-go-round
We just got to let it go
Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer
“Bruce Wayne Is Removed As A Suspect In Batman Case!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
“Milford Transportation Board spokesman said that Batmobile required a B License Endorsement, something not presently in Mr. Wayne’s possession.”
Okay, let me first throw my hat in the ring on the legitimate comments by our TWIMers in relation to education and the newspapers.
It has been my experience that the bigger cities (100,000 or more) are able to sustain a newspaper with its own education reporter. My own city I grew up in, which was in the category I mentioned above, has had for several years and currently has a beat writer covering the news pertaining to schools in the area.
The problem I personally am encountering here is, based on my experiences with reading Gil Thorp (“More fun than a barrel of monkeys”) , Milford is about the size of, say, Vincennes, Indiana or Henderson, Kentucky, 2 cities able to sustain a Wal-Mart and possibly a Kohl’s or Home Depot but still only capable of supporting one public high school and occasionally, as in Vincennes’ case, a private high school, Rivet (Rih-VAY), a Catholic High School.
Therefore, it’s dicey whether the Small Town Gazette is going to carry it’s own education section or have the financial resources to support a reporter in a specialized field like education. Anything’s possible but again too dicey for me.
But this is Thorpiverse and anytime you can get a beat writer like Niah Peters in this case to sit on the upper left-hand drawer when it’s locked shut and discuss with “We’re unclear whether she’s the de facto editor” Ducey about the rhino that escaped Milford Petting Zoo, the logic I mentioned above might as well get thrown in the big pot at Milford High School cafeteria along with the other ingredients in the 12 cans of Campbell’s Chunky Vegetable. Use a spoon, you’ll want to get every drop.
And WHO ELSE do you go to if you suspect a problem? I always thought that’s what School Board meetings are for. If there’s a strong suspicion (and this one’s arm pits are smellin’ PRETTY STRONG) that someone’s not on the up-and-up, what else CAN YOU DO? If the rhino is not in the petting area with the rest of the lambs and goats to feed a bottle of formula, do you go to Bozo the Pope and tell him a rhino is NOT in the room with the elephant? I always thought that’s what a zoo director is for. But let me cross-reference my sources. I’ll get back with you on that one.
Then there’s Janis Ian talking to someone with a neo-Jefferson Airplane hairdo-OH THAT’S MARJIE “SCOOP” DUCEY-about the possible repercussions should they challenge Chet to a toro fight at Milford Municipal Bull Ring. I think the gist of the conversation is that el toreador would be flattened by Big Butt Ballard, beard and all, should they go the procedural route. Okay, okay, I know some of you hoity-toitys out there think they shouldn’t ignore protocol and you might have a point.
But I gotta be fair about this and I am therefore enlisting the aid of Dragnet once again to see if we can resolve this one.
1:29PM. It was cool in Milford. The city had just been hit with snow flurries that tapered off right in line with our investigation. Bill and I were transferered over to the Recreational and Athletic Suspicious and Unwarranted Activity Division of the Juvenile Delinquent Department. The boss is Captain Peters.
We were advised to be on the alert for occurences at the Milford football games in relation to a one Chet Ballard. He was believed to be harboring dirty laundry and illegal records pertaining to one of his stepson’s teammates, Chance Macy. Witnesses said they saw him loading that stuff with a spade shovel in his trunk. We could nail him on Milford Penal Code Section 34 Article 9 Clause 103 “Illegal and Unlawful Work-Related Incidents with Intent to Self-Promote Family and Self, Including Domesticated Animals in Household” but without a search warrant, the only other way we could get him to open his trunk and display the spare records and spare tire was if he lost his key and asked me and Bill for a crowbar. The investigation was running colder than a Bucket Slushee.
Captain Peters suggested I talk to the School Superintendent. A fair proposition. One problem. While conversing with him and Gil down at the Milford Lounge, he informed me (the superintendent, not Gil) that this was out of his bailiwick. His job was to make sure the cafeteria ladies at Milford High had plenty of Handi-Wipes when handling the cheeseburgers so kids wouldn’t contract E. Coli or procure slaughterballs for gym class at Milford Elementary out of the catalogue of Classroom Paraphenalia. Fighting a guy whose razor had seen better days and was now shaving cow hairs for better milk production was not his cup of tea or the flask of Jack he was imbibing. The superintendent wasn’t going to get his retirement doing the right thing even if a sleazeball knew how to work the system the way he maneuvered his Trac II.
“Bill, let’s go get something to eat.”
“What about the case?”
“Hopeless. I could run him out of town on a Section 97 “Unwarranted and Illegal Entry into Public Building” but he could say he was in the Milford School Corporation Annex because his diarrhea medicine was kicking in and the Milford Park Public Unisex House was shut down for the season.”
“Back to square one, aren’t we?”
“Looks that way.”
“I heard the Superintendent tips pretty good at Milford Lounge, I’ll say that for him.”
“We could use some tips from him, all right”
Obligatory somber Dragnet music pipes in
Yesterday’s headline in the Milford Enquirer
“O.J. Cleared In Batman Case!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
“I asked the judge if he could see me in my blue Fruit of the Loom’s fightin’ The Riddler. I think that was the turning point.”
People say it’s stupid
Lacking a clue
TWIMers call it tepid
Ridiculous too
When the hippo dances with the crocs
And crush the furniture
Because nobody bothers to duly note
Chet’s self-imprimatur
We’re just sittin’ here watchin’ this plot drag ’round ‘n’ ’round
We’re gettin’ dizzy from all the snow
No need to further prod this merry-go-round
Why don’t we let it go.
THE HAND IS BACK
You Dark Shadows junkies like yours truly know exactly what I’m talking about.
And what a bad time for it to return, participating in a meaningless and pointless discussion that really shouldn’t be on the agenda in the first place. Heck, send The Hand to scare the living daylights out of Chet like it did us Shadows junkies, otherwise, it might as well be doing Karaoke in P2
At 2:34 A.M. in Chet’s bedroom
“You were always on my minddddddddd-”
AAAAAAAAAAAAAA, GIL, I KNOW IT’S LATE BUT I CONFESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I POCKMARKED CHANCE MACY’S TRANSCRIPTS SO CHARLIE COULD START AT RUNNING BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE REALLY DIDN’T FLUNK ‘METALS FOR LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENTS’ OR ‘ADVANCE LATIN’!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST GET IT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Who was that?”
Gil half-asleep
“I think it was Chet. Something about Chance not getting a D- in Geometry 2 because some hand was grabbing his butt and giving him a wedgie.”
Well, if anybody has a better suggestion…
Otherwise, we can always call The Orkin Man as long as we’re going to eliminate valid options. The School Board room is going to look silly because it has personnel either on the School Board or in the Administration Building not willing to observe proper practices because it’s overthinking and overlooking the obvious, along with our cub reporters, but the room will be roach-free. I think that’s an even trade-off.
And as for P3, Mr. Lennon proves a song is worth a thousand words
People say it’s cheesy
Got bad reviews
TWIMers hate the premise
Yesterday’s news
When we fear a gutless myrmidon
With scruples in his beard
School Board regulations
Go the way of a rabic steer
We’re just sittin’ here watchin’ this tripe fling ’round ‘n’ ’round
We really hate the rigamarole
Why don’t we cease and switch to basketball
We just have to let it roll
WE JUST HAVE TOOOOOOOOOOO LET IT ROLL
Got message?
Because I’m a Classic Rock fan who saw Hard Rock in an ad but learned that they were referring to a man’s Erectile Dysfunction and the healing powers thereof
In the basement den late one night, the door double-locked, Coach Shaw blasting The Who
“Honnneeeeyyyyyyy, My ears are scorched and so are my flashes. It’s time to come to beddy bye and have some funnnnnnnnnnn.”
“Honey, What are you breaking? I hope it’s not the Chippendale chair that belonged to my grandfather.”
“Don’t worry, Mrs. Shaw, I have a vise grip that’s holding all these light bulbs I bought at McShane’s Hardware. I’m pretendin’ I’m Pete Townshend and I’m doing a killer windmill with this ukulele, when I’m not smashing it to bits…
LONG LIVE ROCK, I NEED IT EVERY NIGHT
LONG LIVE ROCK
BE DEAD OR ALIVE
“Darling, we can do ‘Live at Leeds’ another time. Why don’t you Rock ‘n’ Roll with me?”
“Just when Won’t Get Fooled Again’ s on the turntable? How can you profane a classic like Who’s Next? Heck, I’m doing the part where Keith’s taking a leak at Stonehenge or wherever they hauled that rock from.”
I’LL TIP MY HAT TO THE NEW CONSTITUTION
TAKE A BOW FOR THE NEW REVOLUTION
SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Them GE 100-Watt Heat Lamp bulbs will never know what hit ’em with me and Pete smashin’ ’em like overripe pumpkins. Ain’t that the name of a group?”
“Overripe Pumpkins?”
“I thought it was Smashing Cantaloupes”
“Dear, at any rate, at least Loony Moonie dropped his pants on the album cover.”
SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Excusez-moi, Mrs. Shaw, but Roger and me just conked out a lava lamp while twirling our mikes. We’ll clean up the mess later.”
WHY SHOULD I CARE IF I HAVE TO
CUT MY HAIR
I’VE GOT TO MOVE WITH THE FASHION
OR BE OUTCAST
I KNOW I SHOULD FIGHT BUT MY OLD MAN
IS REALLY ALL RIGHT
AND I’M STILL LIVING AT HOME EVEN THO
IT WON’T LAST
“Honey, you won’t be living at home much longer either if you don’t perform a windmill on me.”
SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Just when Quadrophenia is heating up!!!!!!!!!!! And I got some Gorilla-Gro that I applied on my chest so I can have a sexy front like Roger. King Kong twirling a mike to The Punk and The Godfather will drive even the teeny-boppers for Frankie wild. And damn, I thought the Overture would never end. Kinda like the game the other day.”
IF YOU COMPLAIN, YOU DISAPPEAR
JUST LIKE THE LESBIANS AND QUEERS
Coach Shaw blowing on song flute in a well-intentioned attempt to imitate Entwistle’s French horn interlude
YOU’LL START DANCING
SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Shit!!!!!!!!!!!!! I smashed my trophy case!!!!!!! Hope the antlers are OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“I had to learn the meaning of Hard Rock the hard way. And when my Significant Other was lamer than a dead snake in our back yard, no matter how many windmills I did, I knew it was time to come clean and get my butt down to Milford Men’s Clinic. With proven traetments and proper medication, I can now whip myself in a frenzy from Baba O’Riley and my wife is caught up in the whirlwind and lovin’ it. Isn’t it time you and Pete laid down your guitar and checked in? Your concerts will truly be hard as Rock. Only at The Clinic.”
Gang, thank you SO MUCH for your patience. Trying to work this blog in while juggling my new job is a challenge but as Coach Stuard taught me, you learn to get around it. I am thankful for loyal and patient readers like you TWIMers. God bless you all.
“IbelieveinMIRACLES
Where you from
You sexy thing-”
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
“Gil, did you forget to go to The Clinic again???”
Turns off Hitachi Sound System in his office
“They were closed for the holiday.”
Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer
“Coach Shaw Banned For Life From Milford Holiday Inn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
“Local resident drove the family station wagon into the swimming pool.”
The notion that Charlie would vaguely remember a kid in another second grade class who transferred the next year nearly ten years later when the kid transferred back into the district strains credulity. These oblique and dilatory plot setups are easily the most frustrating part of reading this strip. Don’t show, don’t tell, only vaguely and irregularly allude to is one sort of storytelling structure I suppose. That this is all centered around a brand new character when the whole Tiki Jansen fiasco would’ve served the dramatic purposes of the current arc is all the more frustrating.
Frankly, Chet’s suggestion is more interesting than whatever desultory denouement we are likely to be treated to at the truncated termination of this Fall’s football foofaraw.
Bonus point: That the leaves are still falling while Chet and Charlie are clearly done raking for the day.
Minus point: Of the Milford villains we’ve been exposed to in the thirteen (!) years this blog has been running, Chet is easily the least interesting. I welcome the commenters to prove me wrong should any of you be so motivated.
We rejoin the scene at the Ballard-Roh house where Chet Ballard continues his oppo research on Chance Macy.
What’s this? Was Chance Macy held back a year at some point in elementary school? Quick, Chet! To the School Board Computer! What juicy dirt for the Macy Dossier lurks there?
Do you think Charlie is starting to sense what’s motivating all these questions about Chance Macy? I wonder, but it’s possible that the circumstances that brought him and his mother to live under Chet’s roof* are all an intractable tangle of inscrutable adult behavior, and he’s not interested in knowing what makes Chet Chet.
Let’s enjoy the dappled Autumn hues that the colorists have given us. We don’t really have Autumn in my neck of the woods. All of my leaf raking is boring, brownish oak leaves. I use a leaf rake. Chet prefers a garden rake. I don’t get it. Maybe Whigham didn’t want to draw just one kind of rake.
*It’s also possible or maybe likely that Chet moved into the Roh place. Chet does have a dumpy apartment vibe to him.
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