Dumb and Dumber (questions)

So the final damages were 57-13. Folks, I’ve been to many high school football games. And a game like this, where you know who’s gonna win 5 minutes into the game, and almost all the fans leave after the halftime show, is not a good show. 1 game I saw 2 people leaving in the First quarter after the home team was ahead 28-0. Joliet Catholic once beat St. Joseph 84-0, after leading 52-0 at halftime. They finally put in a running clock in my state after a team is ahead by more then 35 points in the second half. A QB who played for both Illinois and Iowa named Jon Beutcher had a running clock almost every game his senior year for Wheaton- Warrenville South. But he was worth the price of admission he was so good.

A good show is a 13-12 nailbiter or a 45-42 shootout, close to the end. Not a steamroller annihilating the downtrodden opposition, who usually barely have enough players to keep 11 bodies on the field, and who are just trying to get out of there in 1 piece.

Yet Gil calls passes for the 3rd stringer after calling only runs for the 2nd guy. Hmmmm. Yeah Marty its a dumb question – who the hell cares how you finish a game like this, but you needed to ask Gil where those calls were last week when your backup disobeyed you. And if you’re so good, you should be able to get through the season with 2 qb’s. Again, I watched high school football for decades, and can barely remember any injuries to the qb during the game. They generally played the whole game, lifted only to let the backup hand off a few times. I dont recall a single 3rd stringer playing a down. So Gils logic is pretty weak. If anything the SECOND stringer should get the reps here.

Finally we have the sulking Corinna in the hallways – why the fuck should she explain why she wasnt at that yawner? Kick his ass CK and stuff him in a locker to boot.

Bonfire?

These are the two quarterbacks, right? I don’t remember what they look like. Let’s say they’re Rapson and Thayer, but I’m not gonna swear I know which is which. The point is that one of them has now caught a glimpse of Corina and he’s interested. The other one wonders if he might get a leg up on the QB competition if his rival is smitten by the Milford “it girl”.

It’s all about Corina, friends. We’d better just get used to it. She’s sassy and brassy, she’s a catcher, she’s a prospective volleyball player, everybody’s talking about her and she’s just getting warmed up at Milford High School.

So could we tear our attention away from Corina for one panel so we can show this flippin’ bonfire? We can cut back to Corina afterwards as she stares into the flames, consumed with impulses to make the world BURN!

ETA: I just read of the sudden passing of Bill Bickel, aka CIDU Bill, who wrote the Comics I Don’t Understand blog. (It’s been over there among the Comics Mockage Posse links since the early days of TWIM.) I was not a regular reader, but I dipped in from time to time and enjoyed Bill’s unique angle on comics blogging. RIP CIDU Bill.

Will & Charlie At It Again.

The perspective is bouncing all over the place, so I’m not getting much of a solid grounding on who these people are. We have Will Thayer and Charlie Rapson leading calisthenics. Someone is looking on with a pissy face in Panel One. Is that Charlie or Will with the pissy face? They were set apart from the rest of the team in the last strip, so how could someboby else have gotten that close? But the pissy face doesn’t fit because they seemed pretty aligned in their approach. Who cares?

Now who is #70? Yelling out, That’s Leadership? What a suck up. What about #75? He thinks Rapson is full of crap and that Will should drill him. Is there a Will and Charlie backstory? Maybe we’ll find out, but I’d just assume find out what’s happening in volleyball.

Do you feel like I do??

Yes I’m posting almost a day late, but my main problem was I couldnt copy or find the strip anywhere for some reason. Now it works, so I’ll do a quick post.

So in the end as always, all is forgiven. Gil tells the dopes at State about the farce that was the head to head matchup of the century, which turned into a picnic. And THAT was what sealed the deal for the Mayor to get into this joint they call a college?? Sheesh.

Time for a song:\

Baseball, pizza, apple subs, and… Ice Cream??

As much as we all wish our colleague Teenchy a swift recovery from whatever is ailing him, the first thought that crossed my mind when I heard about his condition was.. the strip was finally so far off the tracks that it made him physically ill.

And I’m sure thats not far off for the rest of us.

How on Gods green earth is this happening? We start off with the promise of a possibly exciting matchup thats so unknown that we dream of a memorable conclusion that will have the Milfordites talking about it the rest of the summer.

What we got is…not even close. How much food can these players eat in the first place to be able to play at any level resembling competitive when its already 90 degrees or so out (Yes its summer, we knew that before the game started)? I mean, really. During a normal athletic event most players are happy enough with water or Gatorade. This is like a Thanksgiving dinner for chrissake. And these kids are supposed to play with all these carbs and calories and sweets laid out for them?

I had already mentioned the umpire and the fans– did they know what was coming? Nope. Whoever planned this foodfest has shit for brains. And thats putting it mildly.

So I wont belabor their noble efforts to keep observing the constant interruptions in their job (ump) and their free time (fans). Which in any world beside ours would lead to downright mutiny.

Thank God they didnt charge admission for this or they’d be storming the Basilica.

Wherever this storyline is headed from here, somebodys got some major explaining to do. And I cant believe they have a rational one.

Get well soon Teenchy!!

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Your Valley Modified Freakazoids!

Somehow the worst kept secret in the Valley is out and everyone with nothing better to do has come come out in full force in anticipation of a pummeling. Gaze in wide wonder at the pantheon of headgear on display: a Kangol cap, a pith helmet, some kind of biker cap along with your usual flatbills. Imagine why pith helmet lady feels the need to record this event. Marvel at the number of baby bottles being held by grown-ass adults. Question about those sketchy figures in the background on the grassy knoll. Try your hardest not the meet the gaze of the child of the corn down in front, who is as incredulous that this has drawn a crowd as you are.

The ex-Mayor of Milford High, ever the attention whore, shows up with team t-shirts, clearly inspired by a cartoon that aired about five years before they were born. (Or not; there could be twentysomethings on that Valley Mod team.)

 

 

 

Who sprung for those shirts? Were they a Valley Mod graphic arts project? Did somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody call in a favor? Talk amongst yourselves.

We know the Mudlarks’ motivation for playing this game, but what was Gil and Kaz’s for letting them play it? Taking Hiawatha James’ “more baseball is better than less baseball” statement as a hint, it could be that the ‘Larks are either already done with their season or have already been eliminated from playdown contention. This really feels like a lose-lose for Milford, no matter whether the team follows the catcher with his H.R. Giger-inspired headgear’s advice or not. At this point, all we can do is sit back, watch the wackiness ensue, and hope for the best that we only have three more strips of this nonsense (my bet is on nine).

That Peanut Butter Isn’t the Only Thing Nutso Around Here

Looks like Gil Thorp has a new sponsor, Nutso Peanut Butter. Wonder if Nutso’s from the same people who brought you Nutboy. Either the Nutso mascot is foreshadowing Phoebe and The Mayor’s next encounter by making his O face or else he’s reenacting Mr. Peanut’s fall to his death.

Other random observations:

1. Peanut butter on a bagel is not that unusual. Then again this is Milford, home of Schultz’s Polynesian Garden, so anything beyond white bread might be scandalous.
2. Dunno about La Bus, but Le Bus is a Philadelphia bakery of long standing that’s facing the same troubles many small businesses in this country are right now.
3. Where is that bagel, exactly? They’re not that hard to draw.
4. What kind of idiot brings peanut butter into a classroom in this century? (Don’t answer that.)
5. What kind of idiot brings a knife into a classroom in this century? Not one who’s in the class with Chance Macy.
6. Either that’s an awkward facepalm* or Phoebe’s fixin’ to break into an awkward Batusi.
7. Is that the late Kenny Rogers or Dr. Krieger from Archer teaching this Southern Gothic Literature course?
8. If Flannery O’Connor’s name is invoked, can peacocks be far behind?
9. If peacocks are involved, can rally hippos be far behind? (Considering Jamila’s still on the team, I’d give it even odds.)

 

*”Facepalm” might be a good tag to add to our “Categories & Tags” list. Will give it some thought.

How To Foil The Dalton Gang And Still Play Left Field.

As I told Teenchy yesterday, I thought Barry Bader was a thing of the past. Do we have to deal with his evil twin? This is somewhat like “I Sing The Body Electric” where the kids have a robot for a grandma who eventually also becomes their nanny. A Mrs. Barry Bader running on Eveready batteries tucking the kiddies in bed? And she eats Flushee Puffs out of the tuna can on her lunch break? You get the feeling Thorpiverse will not run out of plot ideas at the rate we’re going. I should have kept those old Snappy Dog Food labels and THEN started to write. I would have finished “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner” by now.

Boy, doncha just love one humanoid running out of juice and being put away and ya yank another out of the closet, put the battery cables in the next one, wait an hour, then call him The Mayor?

“Okay, Barry, we’re going to put you back in the closet. You did enough damage to the plot. You did an excellent job while you were an electronic gadget being a horse’s ass and a spoiled brat and a cancer to the team. Oh, and you took somebody out in a game, said something about the umpire’s mother, and you’re dad wound up in Marion, Illinois. Well done, thou good and faithful robot.”

And I guess I could handle The Positronic Man if he wasn’t eating his Wheaties off of a garbage can lid. It’s bad enough that he is fabricating stories but keep this sanitary, Thorpiverse. I really don’t care to hear about how The Positronic Man used a machine gun on Al Capone when Capone was trying to rob the Milford Gambling Casino while The Positronic Man is slurping Green Eggs and Ham out of a Glad 28-Galllon Tall Kitchen Trash Bag. Downin’ it with Mudlar-K-Cola Diet Black Cherry from the GIL mug that Gil slobbered Eight o’ Clock Decaf out of an hour before, boy, I hope my stomach can hold its own while reading about how somebody upchucked his Total cereal and still had good aim on Jesse James, even though Frank James got away when The Positronic Man had to endure one more dry heave.

This plot’s gettin’ off the ground and flyin’ to the moon in one spoonful of Rice Chex, ya think?

 

Because I was intrigued by Detroit being rejected 7 times to host The Olympics as I read recently

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Rejected By The Committee A Record 14th Time By The International Olympic Committee”!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Asphalt not drying on the high school track in a sufficient amount of time cited as a factor in the decision.”

 

And as long Thorpiverse is going to throw The Positronic Man at us TWIMers, we might as well go whole hog and list the 3 rules every Gil-a-Tronic player must follow if he wants to be on the team

1) Do no harm and do everything possible to help the team, even if it means throwing yourself in front of a Milford & Oakwood Express Mail train. Chamoionships were produced from the debris left on the rails.

2) Obey everything Gil says even to the point of jumping off the Mudlark Girls Gym building except if it were to conflict with Rule #1. Common sense is in order at certain hours of the day.

3) A Gil-a-Tronic Man is to preserve himself and not let himself get blindsided especially when interviewing with Marty Moon, except if it were to conflict with Rule #1 and Rule #2. Keeping the world on top for Democracy and keeping Marty Moon on tap is the lifeline for The Gil-a-Tronic Man.

 

Well, The Mayor is certainly doing no harm in P1 with the The Penguin batting stance (gotcha again, Robmize-ha) , flouting his exploits which we’re sure to get an earful of in the coming weeks. Just don’t pull a Willie Stargell on us and do a simulated warm-up swing in the batter’s box. Much as I respected Willie’s game (big time, 2 rings to show for it) , we do have the rest of the season to think about. Remember, The Gil-a-Tronic Man has to observe Rule #1 and not wipe out the rest of the locker room with your swinging for the fences and/or going “Pops” on your teammates. Otherwise, The Gil-a-Tronic Man is going to get lonely out in left field.

Gil shouting from the dugout

CAME YOUR WAY IN LEFT, CENTER, AND RIGHT, GIL-A-TRONIC MAN!!!!!!!!!!!

Rest my case

 

Special Edition to The Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Upset That IOC Passed Over Milford Once Again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We had the Milford Parks & Recreation Adult Flag Football Field resodded this week. It would have been an international display case for the shot put and the javelin throw.”

 

And we get to the heart of the issue in P2. And I just LOVE running into people who stretch the truth in many different directions. I used to go to church with a guy who showed me his yearbook at his house and talked about how he was a 4.0 student and he was the starting point guard on the basketball team. He would have fit right on the Mudlarks bench, next to the 6th Man.

Anyway, of course, when I didn’t see his mug in the photo shoot of the Varsity Basketball team, he naturally said that he was sick in bed with the flu that day. Sure, Gil-a-Tronic Man wannabe, I understand. COVID-19 kept a lot of liars under the sheets that day.

And of course, he would brag about his adventures at Entebbe, that he was the first one at the airport and he blasted the first two hijackers and the SWAT team mopped up after that. Winning in a rout, it’s Miller Time, SWAT dudes.

And I swallowed it even though the authenticity was obviously buried in The Mayor’s Baggie under the parsley. And I would have ridden off into the sunset with the shit piled as high as those double-decker trees until he started bragging how he was the one that said “Remember the Alamo” at San Juan Hill. How he shoveled Roosevelt’s horse’s droppings. Pseudo-Gil-a-Tronic Man, if you’re going to prevaricate, is there any way you could keep the time period within our lifetime? And be a little more proper? There’s kids reading this blog.

But THAT’S what we appear to be facing in our anti-hero for the next few weeks. Oh boy.

 

“Don’t sit on top of the dugout, Gil-a-Tronic Man”

“But Master Thorp, I am only obeying Rule #2. They said this plot is getting so bad, they’ll be raining eggs and tomatoes before too long. We wouldn’t have a coach if you got buried in the avalanche.”

“Need an umbrella?”

 

And is this all of Hiawatha James’ job description on this strip, dunk the basketball, look stupid with that Mr T.-a-Tronic hairdo in the locker or dugout, be a wet blanket for somebody else’s How I Spent My Off-Season essay/comedy schtick? Didn’t I post when Barry Bader was Badering about his role on the team and ‘watha’s rapier wit shot BB Gun down into the corn field adjacent to the Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Orientation Building? It seems like his only function is post up, deliver the Jay Leno punchline.

There’s hope. Remember, Kirk Gibson only had one at-bat in the ’88 World Series. If ‘watha can shoot down Dennis Eckersley or The Mayor, he has a career at the Milford Comedy Club.

 

“…do I look like, Keith Smart with only one shot?”

“Gil, why are the Indiana fans leaving?”

 

Weekly Supplement to the Milford Enquirer, replete with 13,643 ad sections

“Milford City Council Orders Shutdown On Milford Natatorium After IOC Snub!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Spokesperson said diving board was damaged after Coach Shaw performed a swan dive; repairs will be implented in the next 10 days in conformity with IOC regulations.”

 

 

At the top of the Milford Federal Credit Union Building, by the observation deck, the Milford Police is trying to talk The Gil-a-Tronic Man off the ledge

“No!!!!!! No!!!!!! Gil-a-Tronic Man!!!!!!!!! Even Rule #3 says you can’t do any harm to yourself!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Except if it’s meant to save another human being as in Rule #2. And with this plot heading towards the sewer, it’s a matter of time before the plot puts the constituency to sleep. Then the Communists will cross the border and it’s only a matter of time before Chairman Mao occupies 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and Pytor Ilyich Lenin occupies Gil’s office. Then you really WILL have a non-coach, but this time with an Iron and Sickle in the gym.”

JUMP, GIL-A-TRONIC MAN, JUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

And P3 is just vintage Thorpiverse. When confronted with reality, does Barry Bader Jr. admit the story just might be a tad prefabricated? Nope, he’s got to employ selective memory.

“Gee, I can’t remember how I injured my butt. It’s a coin flip between when I slipped off the rope when I was walking on the tightrope over the Grand Canyon or there was a wet spot in the hallway after someone spilled Mudlar-K-Cola. I’ll give you a final answer tomorrow in the Physics Lab.”

On second thought, Hiawatha James reminds me of a scene in the movie “Patton” when Patton has taken over command in North Africa and makes the rounds inspecting the troops, mess hall, offices, barracks, etc. When he catches a sentry sleeping, he kicks the living shit out of the soldier. The soldier is visibly annoyed but when he realizes it’s Patton, he gives him a very hasty salute. Patton responded

“Keep on going. You’re about the only son of a bitch around here who knows what he’s doing.”

After kicking Barry Bader Jr. in the head, I’d say the same about Hiawatha James.

 

“And we’ll be back to see if Barry Bader Jr. can finish his swim across the English Channel with a 50-pound anvil tied to him and no shark repellant on another exciting episode of ‘You Asked For It’ after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

At Coach Shaw’s house, Mrs. Shaw pounding on the linen closet door

 

“Honeyyyyyyyyy, come out of closet!!!!!!!! I know you have it dead-bolted but I’m hornnnnyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“No way, Darling. The Positronic Man must never do any harm. If I were to engage in copulation with a cue stick, our sex lives would be ruined. I am following Rule #1 to the letter.”

“But why don’t you follow Rule #2 and obey my orders so we can go to bed and have some fun. Even a cue stick deals with lots of balls.”

“Ball one, blubba blubba, ball two, yer out, well, you see, Rule #3 says I must never do harm to myself. Going in and out, in and out, in and out with a ginsu knife might cut like a knife but it wouldn’t feel right. And how would we carve the turkey? I’d have to go to the Kwikee Mart on Thanksgiving and snag some plastic cutlery off the shelves.”

“Paper, plastic, Honey, I don’t care what silverware you use, why don’t you pretend I’m pumpkin pie and dig into me? Even The Positronic Man sits down with his master at the table at Thanksgiving.”

“And get Stove Top Stuffing all over me? Do you realize how that shit messes up the wiring in my gadgetry? I’ll be spitting out dried croutons and be awash in cranberry sauce. I couldn’t keep the earth safe from aliens from outer space with mashed potatoes and Flushee Puffs all over my uniform!!!!!!!!”

“Even The Positronic Man uses napkins. You can’t disobey that one.”

 

“She had me there. And the moths were eating through my wiring anyway. She sent me down to Milford Men’s Clinic to give my significant other the once-over. With proven treatment programs that work, isn’t it time YOU obeyed rule #2 and obeyed your sexual instincts. Coming from the Planet of Robotics never felt better. Come get charged at Milford Men’s Clinic today. You’ll be glad you did.”

 

Gang, you mean the world to me. In fact, when I get done climbing the Golden Gate Bridge, I’ll be sure to read every one of your comments.

 

At the Milford & Oakwood RR crossing one fine day

VVVVVVVRRRRRRROOOOOMMMMMMMM

“Oh no, Gil. I knew I shouldn’t have bought her Cutty Sark at discount at Milford Beverage Warehouse!!!!!!”

“OMG!!!!!!!!!!! She’ll be cut in a million pieces!!!!!!!!!!!!”

At the crossing

“Grandma Thorp, are you OK????”

“Yes, just a few scratches on my knees but I’m fine. Where’s the pram?”

“Keri caught it before the train could do any damage.”

“Grandma Thorp, I thought for sure the train made you Chop Suey.”

“Oh, Jaime, that’s the beauty of robots and bad plots. They may get torn to pieces but they always get back up.”

I Sing The Body Gil

 

Tomorrow’s headline in the Milford Enquirer running through the presses

“City Commission Seeks Bond Issue To Finance Olympic Basketball At Mudlark Gym In ’24 Games!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Funds earmarked towards 5,000 seat expansion should run on schedule and construction slated for next week.”