ALL RIGHT ALREADY, MILFORD PIRATE NETWORK, WE GET THE POINT!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is this even GIL THORP anymore?
In name only, at this juncture, as we’re not only running late with basketball but, all we’ve seen the last couple of weeks essentially is Ben Hur fending off the other ancient Mudlarks in the chariot races at the Milford Colosseum. Will the Coneheads be at Homecoming? And now we’re forced to endure Marty and any enemy Gil has had to stomach the last, say, 50 years, caught as the victims of the Milford Lion Carnage Festival. That one was originally run at the Jerry Pulver Student & Athletic Life Center at Milford High School before they moved it, now also at the M’ford Colosseum due to logistics problems. Storing lions in the visitors locker room got to be a hassle.
And nobody appreciates good comedy more than me. I grew up on Fernwood 2 Night and laughed until I was sick, they were so funny. But when I want to listen to my favorite team, high school, college, or pro, I’M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR BARTH GIMBLE TO PERFORM HIS COMEDY SPIEL FOR 4 QUARTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, if you like Steve Martin doing his King Tut rendition(“Born in Babylona, raised a Milford Mudlark, KING TUT”) on the radio while you’re cruising the streets of Milford, more power to you but SOME OF US DO WANT TO KNOW THE FINAL SCORE!!!!!!!! And now the coup-de-grace is this parrot on Ernie’s shoulder. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’m only imagining the trade at the Milford Pawn Shop. Yeah, he squawks great, here’s the 1975 Boys Basketball State Championship trophy plus a couple of Lady Mudlarks Holiday Tournament plaques. He’s been spayed and had all his shots, right?
“Well, I’m a ramblin’, a ramblin’ guy, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, OH NOOOOOOOO.”
“BOOM BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Way to feed the color man off the play-by-play. That’ll win an Emmy for sure.
If you work for Captain Kidd after being shanghai’d from the Caribbean and are inevitably forced to walk the plank because you were stricken with excess plumber’s butt while loadin’ the cannon, ya might be a redneck.
Many out of our commentators have expressed a legitimate concern about Jorge and Paloma disappearing off the strip. I believe Jorge is still on the basketball team so we’re safe there. He didn’t transfer to Oakwood nor opt for the NBA Draft. But while this stand-up comedy routine with the basketball game for dessert overshadowed our original cast, WHAT DID happen to Paloma? You would HOPE she played more basketball, they need her controlled assertiveness but, gang, I’m not holding my breath. I think I know.
At The Bucket one afternoon:
Paloma and her friends engage in some vigorous gossip about all the boys in the school over cheeseburgers and shakes. Not one has escaped crucifixion.
SUDDENLY, 2 male adults with funny accents swagger into The Bucket. The Festrunks have arrived in Milford at last.
“Oh my God. Look at those dweebs. Was their grandma on meth when she knit their pants?”
These 2 swingin’ guys pass on Dr. Pearl in the corner booth, because a woman that uses Super Poligrip, Zinc Free, to eat a Double Bucket Burger, extra horseradish but no mayo, is not in their future. They hone in their panoramic view towards Paloma & The Gang.
“FOX-ESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!”
They come sidling over to the table while Paloma and her cohorts push the panic button. The anti-dweeb meter is spinning so out of control, it’s produced 5 Bucket Brigade Blueberry Smoothies. Karina is about to throw her Patty Melt Bucket De Luxe at them but a tablemate grabs her wrist.
Anonymous Calculus Dude steps in.
“Are these guys giving you any trouble?” The Bucket’s afternoon manager intervenes in the nick of time and steps in front of ACD. The latter was in the next booth, in the middle of devouring his Bucket Catch of the Day Catfish-Platter-and-Buffalo-Fries Combo(tartar sauce extra).
“Sir, it’s OK, I’ll handle this. Just have a seat and cool off. All right, gentlemen, no idea what country you’re from or who you are but take a seat and order or there’s the door.”
“Yortuk, he doesn’t know who we are? We showed them our Green Cards at the Milford Town Hall.”
“Hey, Georg, we’re in America. There’s no Bucket in Bratislava. We got to put our best foot forward.”
Together they proudly proclaim, “We’re 2 wild ‘n’ CRA-ZEE GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Paloma resists Georg’s advances. They finally sit down at the next booth and order the Bucket Borscht Supreme. There will be another time, as long as the Milford City Clerk grants an extension on their Green Cards.
Jerry Hubbard, the color man for Marty Moon on WDIG “We have to take a station break, this is the Milford Basketball Network on WDIG”, the Fernwood 2 Night theme song helping the broadcast get to break.
At 10:25PM, MST (Mudlark Standard Time), on a random evening at Coach Shaw’s Ranch-style abode, in his bedroom
“Whew!!!! Dear, I snarfed too many barbecued-iguanas-on-a-stick. I GOT to dump a load. I’ll be right back.”
“I’ll be waiting, honey”, she responds, anticipating THE MOMENT.
3 hours later
Knock, knock. “Honey, are you okay? Do you want me to run down to Walgreen’s to get some Pepto-Bismol?”
“Nah, Dear, I just got done fixing the flotation device in the commode. I had to use my best crescent wrench to screw it back in. My ball-peen hammer was broken.”
“But, Honey, you left your toolbox in the trunk of the car you dropped off at the shop.”
“Bluh, bluh, er, um, yeah, well, I, uh, stuck a couple of tools behind the stack of Holiday Inn towels in the closet. I had to hammer the bathtub back in its socket which is how I broke the hammer. It was a dogfight, but no more sliding like you’re in the soap box derby.”
“Fine, it’s time to come to bed. You haven’t touched me all night.”
“Hang on, I gotta jolt the shower head back in place. It looks kinda crooked. Daggone it, where’s the sledge hammer?Oh, here it is, under the blow dryer. Don’t you worry, I’ll be there in a minute.”
“Honey, the shower head always bends like that. They’re made to be adjustable.”
“That was me a couple of years ago. I just couldn’t tell my wife about my little wiener on a toothpick that I had in my britches. The kids on the football team noticed that there was something wrong. One of them even handed me a copy of “Our Daily Bread”. Were it only that simple. But thanks to the Milford Men’s Clinic, I am a new man. My Erectile Dysfunction is cured and I can cameo coach the kids AND approach the bed, BOTH with confidence. I even kept the copy for new found inspiration. Stop by the Milford Men’s Clinic today. IT WORKS!!!!!!!
My final (again, reluctantly speaking) Women’s History Month entry goes to Elena Delle Donne. She is a VERY gifted basketball player who originally signed with Connecticut, a storied program in its own right, but left after only a few days. She eventually transferred to Delaware and became a major force with the Blue Hens dominating their conference and beating a few powerhouse teams along the way. Attendance naturally grew to the point where former Vice President Joe Biden was smack dab in the middle of Blue Hen Nation. Delle Donne has been a major factor in the growth of Women’s Basketball, her Jordan moves, her jaw-dropping shots, her clutch performances all promoting the sport she dearly loves. She picked up where she left off in the WNBA and has given the League solid footing from which to build. It only takes a spark to get a fire going and she’s been more than a spark for the WNBA. Please spread the word that Women’s Sports deserve a place in the scheme of things and Delle Donne has certainly done her part. Thanks for reading.
Gang, you may fire when ready. I need to go early if I want a front row seat, me and a few of my fellow hecklers are pumped for action even if it’s not basketball action. Price you pay.
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