This Week in Milford

June 7, 2019

I’m firing that pig!

Well so much for Animal Farm being a difference maker in this storyline. That pig must be rolling his eyes as he rolls in the mud reading this strip. We’re back down that long slippery slope to nothing. Its so bad you wonder whether this strip was intended to run a week ago, before the book assignment. And Rubin forgot about it and is just now running it, so out of sequence is the mindset of the characters. Maybe Molly threw in the towel about her synchronized skating  (and for that matter the softball team) and is just enjoying her role in life as the president of the Tool Cool Club. Who the hell is this committee anyway? I cant believe any high school male would get that excited about getting a button like that. And does Tyler even know about this TC shit? His first question should be — ‘What committee?’

Even Molly’s logic is flawed. Hey — writing screenplays is a BYPRODUCT of ones education, just like doing a science project is a byproduct of getting schooled in science and Applying that knowledge. So it aint too cool for school. TC buttons should go to kids who are so cocky they dont want to learn whats being taught and put the effort into the process. These 2 guys dont qualify at all– but Molly is such a fuckin dimwit she cant tell the difference. And she ordered more badges– I know the first batch was 50, so we will have 100 Milford students walking around campus on June 10 when everyone else is working on their summer tan, with these silly things that will be forgotton as soon as the next storyline commences. As some Spanish guy said -De Sooner De Better.

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May 28, 2019

Women Not At Work

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, general nonsense, Gil Thorp, Mimi Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 6:25 am

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Speaking of Australia, the group “Men at Work” was the inspiration behind today’s title, as some of you might have surmised.

And why not? The plot has gone from bad to hopeless. Not only did Linda Carr blow the game, with help from Molly Wonka and the Chocolate Button Factory, through their myopic view of teamwork, BUT NOW Mimi is handing her her luggage at the check-out gate.

Gang, as Robmize mentioned, nobody more than me believes in giving EVERYBODY a chance to play more than me, regardless of ability. Lordy, the run-ins I’ve had with churches, regardless of denomination (ALL GUILTY, none left out, trust me) , over the years because what they SAY about people getting a chance to play and what they DO are 2 different things.

That said (as far as I’m going with the church concept, in other words) , as long as a kid gave me 110% effort and tried to listen to what I ask, to the best of their ability, especially in Babe Ruth League Baseball, I shook the dude’s hand at the end of the game. That simple.

But handing Linda her Samsonite after a half-ass performance on the field is just the culmination of a Button Crusade gone awry. The pilot and the co-pilot crash-land the plane into a field somewhere, right on a pile of crushed automobiles because they couldn’t flush their petty differences down the airplane potty (plenty of room to dump doo doo like that, y’know) ? I hope the plane was insured.

Mimi, really, it’s called TEAMWORK. Rather than be a concierge for Milford Marriott Courtyard Suites in P1, why don’t you TAKE CHARGE and basically not tolerate this obvious breach of concern for the team? Because she’s hoppin’ on the next 747 and God knows where that’s going. Oh, Australia, I forgot. There’a convention in Brisbane. She’s the keynote speaker. How to Let Problems Affect You During The Game Rather Than Talk Them Out BEFORE First Pitch. I’ll catch the next flight out of Indianapolis so I can get an early seat.

 

This Memorial Day week, I would like to remember Leonard Thomas Hardin, my grandfather, who was a World War I veteran serving valiantly as a cook. A finer man cannot be found when it came to his services and sacrifices.

Then I would like to remember my step-father, Gabriel Feltner, Junior, a World War II veteran who proudly served in the Navy aboard the USS Merryvale. He fought in essentially 2 Iwo Jimas and received a generous GI Bill for his services. No argument from me.

Gang, where you can, take 5 minutes out of your day to thank a Veteran. If you can’t do that or are comfortable doing it differently, fine by me, but please, please, thank a Vet. They appreciate it so much and it makes our Nation stronger.

 

“Just stick the portmanteau on the bed. I’ll unpack later. Right now, I gotta take a bodacious dump. Here’s a fin for your troubles.”

“Gee, thanks, I can pay my AAA bill for the month. The John Conti packets are by the Mr. Coffee. Water is straight outta the faucet next to them.”

“Thank you.”

 

Oh, cry me a river in P2. So she blows the game because she didn’t care because she’s stuck with a U-17 Basketball squad that won’t be selected in next month’s NBA Draft? And they’re all from Uruguay? Yeah, travel can be kinda dicey between Montevideo and La Guardia this time of year. Can’t book a flight too early.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with dreaming big. This is America. But ya still gotta take care of business where you’re planted, something that wasn’t done against Madisom.

Really, if you don’t make the plays in Rockville, either cuz you can’t or won’t, and won’t seems to be the order of the day in the eyes of Pennywise the Clown, to whom Linda is spilling her guts to, what makes you think you’re gonna make ’em when they light the Olympic Torch? What are you going to do, pull some Matchlite Fluid out of your bra when the Torch doesn’t catch flame from your Zippo??? Not the time to be handing you your Samsonite.

 

Because I was taken a little aback by a headline about Felix Cavaliere, a member of the Young Rascals which basically stated “Felix Tells All!!!!!!!”, something that was startling but more than likely not earth-shattering, given their popularity with “Groovin'”, “Good Lovin'”, “How Can I Be Sure”, plus they were not noted for heavy controversy

Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer

“Several In ICU After Rioting At The Milford Amphitheater For ‘The Mitch Miller Nostalgia Lane Tour de Brasilia ’19’ Rears Ugly Head!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Consternation traced to a few senior citizen couples going overboard while dancing to ‘Yellow Rose of Texas’.”

 

“I can jump higher than the water fountain!!!!!!!! I deserve another chance!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m going downstairs to the breakfast room and try to catch the Olympic Track coach before he leaves!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“You better watch your Lucky Charms intake, Sluggo, or you’ll have trouble getting over the water sprinkler!!!!!!!! And watch that flab, it almost took my nose off!!!!!!!!!”

“SHUT UP, FATS, don’t make me go psycho when I can clear the St. Louis Arch!!!!!!!!!

“Oh, sure, Sluggo, and the Eiffel Tower’s down the street, next to The Bucket Annex. Don’t strain an Achilles soaring the heights.”

“SHUT UP FATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Hey, you’re the one stuck with Men at Work at the track complex. Not my problem, Sluggo.”

 

Who can it be, messing up this plot.

Linda and Molly

Let it go down the pot

 

Who can they be now

Who can they be now

Who can they be now

 

I’ll fax Men at Work for the answer.

 

If ya dropped out of the Monday Night Co-Ed Industrial League, giving the Milford Foundry softball manager 2 weeks notice so he could buy some time to find a suitable replacement that can bat opposite-handed (hittin’ over the short porch in right field a bonus) and can still field cuz ya wanna concentrate on makin’ the U.S. Olympic Bowling team by takin’ extra practice, and Bud, down at Milford Lanes, ya might be a redneck.

Then there’s Gil. Yup, fresh out of the oven, ready with the bon mot to a question the TWIMers have answered the last few days.

(Sigh) Okay, so we’ll listen to Gil’s opinion but we’ll have to wait until tomorrow to find out what’s behind Door #3. In the end, I’ll cart of the GE Washer and Dryer that Carol Merrill is showing in Door #2.

 

 

 

 

 

Y’know, I just got wheelchaired out of Milford General, glad to have been released from the COPD machine monitoring your a-fib, among other afflictions that are too Greek or Latin to air over the radio, here in the parking lot ready to drive home when I hear The Bucket accusing the Milford Beverage Warehouse of profiteering off of the riding horse, Bronco Buckweiser, a service we provide for the kiddies up front while Daddy goes trottin’ off for his own share of The Good Life. For a penny, boys and girls have ridden on their own adventures and enabled customers to walk out of the store able to ride off into the sunset with girlie and a 24-pack of Bud in the same saddle.

Boy, the fill line some attornies will stoop to in order to get a Liquor License. The Bucket claimed we are raising our price at the horsey to a quarter to offset the Alcohol Transport Tax passed by the Milford City Works Commission, thereby keeping The Beer Institute of our backs. Boy, they’ve been taken for a ride all right and that one is worth more than a copper, several times over. At least, Bronco Buckweiser stops jumping up and down when your little Johnny or Janey is ready to get off. The other horse might wind up in court.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp here on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse, ready to set the record straight. Bronco Buckweiser is not for sale, except to The Brady Bunch and any kid thereafter and forthwith, and the damn contraption still costs a penny. I know, my son got one from the bums pitchin’ Lincolns in the alley in exchange for my son’s Joe Schlabotnick card that my son swiped out of Charlie Brown’s back pocket. Yeah, I’ll admit it was awful for my son to crush Charlie Brown’s idol but at least later on he went to Charlie Brown’s slumber party. They kissed and made up with no fondling involved. My kid’s rear end was unblemished from any seizures.

Can’t say the same for these cads who opt to play post office with a kid’s ride and to answer the ante to such debauched tomfoolery, The Warehouse is ridin’ to the rescue with these thirst-quenching price stoppers.

How ’bout a 24-Pack Michelob Ultra for $22.99, good at your next cookout with family and friends or if you want to engineer a slumber party of your own at, say the Milford Community Center gym? You can invite men AND women, in case anybody calls the cops on on unfounded suspicions and save a buck or two. Hell, I’ll run a nudist colony at the Community Center at those prices.

Then we have Samuel Adams in the 12-Pack for only $14.76 while a 12-Pack of Heineken can get through the Door Greeter’s merchandise checker’s radar for a steal at $13.53. Hooooeeeeyy, thank God the checker gun’s AAA batteries last longer than the Energizer Bunny.

Planning on watching the races and doin’ the OTB to boot? No problemo, The Warehouse is offering free cell phones for every Bulleit Bourbon purchased. Gotta have a phone handy while you’re sippin’ some of Kentucky’s finest, don’t you? You can do all that and still do a cannonball in your swimming pool. Man, makes me want to wheelchair to your party. Just don’t get the wheels wet.

And to show that there’s no hard feelings between us and The Bucket even if their legal team doesn’t know a riding horse from a tricycle, we are taking off 3 dollars, you heard right, 3 dollars off your next purchase of Gato Negro Cabernet Sauvignon if you’ll bring in a proof of purchase receipt from The Bucket. Bucket Mini-Cheeseburger, Bucket Chicken Broth, Bucket Borscht, Bucket Triple Fish Sandwich with extra Bucket Tartar Sauce, shoot, it doesn’t matter, if you ate it at The Bucket rather than Milford Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market Snack Bar, it is legal tender at The Warehouse. Man, me and Foster Brooks are ready to trade in our Bucket Spaghetti O’s platter with Fries receipt for a Menage a Trois Merlot Blanc.

Hey, come on in, the water’s fine. And so’s the horse. But you and your small fry will never know unless you stop by Milford Beverage Warehouse. And when you do, drop the copper in the machine, ride to help Lone Ranger rescue Tonto from the Trotskyites, and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

Gang, go at it. I’m going to help Linda with her free throws. There’s a Uruguayan who’s a dead ringer. Can never get enough practice.

 

 

“Sluggo, those have to be the worst concrete slabs Gil is using for trainers. How will he win the 1600 in those shoes?????”

“SHUT UP FATS!!!!!!!!! At least he’s wearing shoes in the park. Last time he slept on the park bench, he was barefoot as he was advising Luke Bunkin on some trader tips.”

 

 

 

“You serious, Coach. Sell the Milford Foundry stock now? Oops, sorry, didn’t mean to mash your toe.”

May 17, 2019

And yada yada yada.

Not gettin any better folks… I was not a big Seinfeld fan, but it was very well known as a show about nothing. I saw just enough episodes that I kinda get that. They dont really have a plot, its just a half hour of 4 characters screwing around every which way, and the best part, (for me anyway) was Jerrys comedy bits at the beginning and end of each show, where he’d make some vague connection to the action of the show. I remember one episode where he said ” If you’re watching something on TV, you’re missing something else.” Ever since then when I’d be forced to miss some show or game I would remember Jerrys words, and be comforted that nobody can be everywhere all the time. You do what you can, and everything else takes care of itself.

Well I have lost track of who all  these people are. Linda, David, Nancy, Molly…….I can name the Banana Splits easier then these bozos. .Too many characters in 1 plot who intertwine their nonsense about some abstract concept like TCFS. And maybe Linda and David THINK they did something cool. Thats all that counts. I’m just floored that 17-year-olds spend that much time on such BS. By now my friends would forget about the whole thing and be on to something thats more tangible, like what movie is playing or who the Bears should draft. One time my friend was talking about the foosball game he played the night before. 2 days later I brought it up, and he was like – “You’re still on that foosball”. But 2 days isnt like the weeks-long sludge this has become. Its a plot about nothing, and this time there’s no Jerry Seinfeld around to relieve the boredom.

May 14, 2019

Chosen To Play Against That Australian Team

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Oh, these things are buttons? And, everyone in the school who has one wears it and everyone who doesn’t wishes they did? (Sorry, Milo.) Well, I guess that makes as much sense as anything, which is to say practically none at all.

Speaking of nonsense, let’s check in on Mimi and her irritable second base player who, in classic Milford teen fashion, wants to be something she’s not. Except that she kinda sort of is but, per life-coach extraordinaire Mimi, she started too late so forget about it anyway. If this is the resolution of Linda’s volleyball induced ennui, I will mark this down as the second most pat plot point wrap-up since Mike Fillion cured his depression by drinking CBD infused chai tea lattes.*

Bonus points: Linda emphatically is not wearing one of those stupid buttons.

I like Mimi’s on-brand screensaver in panel two.

Minus points: The vanishing point in the backgrounds of panels one and two seems to move around a little bit if you look at them for too long (as one does trying to write this stuff).

That said, Mimi has a nice sized office for her tiny desk. The other teachers must be quite jealous.

* Not actually depicted in the strip

May 9, 2019

Rocki Works In Mysterious (And Quick!) Ways

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P1: Either we skipped a few days, or Graphic Goddess Rocki whipped up some original design in just a few minutes. Perhaps she used lots of copy and paste art.

P2: That word, you keep using it…

P3: Oooooh! Thursday cliffhanger! Could they have included the proper noun along with the pronoun? Sure looks like there’s space in for a larger dialogue balloon. Truly great pacing to use the last bit of dialogue to reestablish Molly’s name.

Bonus question: What is that thing that maybe could be the back of a CRT monitor in panel three?

Minus point: I am so committed to posting these things that I can confirm that the logo in panel three is likely not that of Skyborne Advertising, erstwhile enabler of B/Robby Howry’s mass media anti-Gil ad campaign.

May 7, 2019

Death Of The Cool

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Musical inspiration for today’s post title:

So, the clarinet is uncool, eh? Well, let’s see what this nerd person I found via a search for clarinet solos thinks:

Also uncool? Direct democracy.

Minus point: That cafeteria table looks like it was drawn by MC Escher after downing a pint of tequila.

Edited to add the color strip to supplement commentary:

050719 - color

 

April 30, 2019

Then Why Is The Hippo On The Bench?

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Folks, this Spring’s softball plot, such as it is, has done nothing for me other than to raise question after question.

Does the media center really have movies on VHS cassette tapes? How often does the copy of Howard’s End get checked out?

Where did the rolled up newspaper come from? Do these two ever not pick at each other?

Seriously, why is the Rally Hippo on the bench? Is Jocelyn Jamila the Rally Hippo wrangler or how does that even work?

January 10, 2019

The Billboards Are Due On Maple Street

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Gil, aren’t we understating THE OBVIOUS????? My Friend, you were just awarded Comment of the Year by the Milford Kiwanis Club. Wanta know who got #2? None other than Marty Moon for stealing Calvin Coolidge’s maxim “I choose not to run”, when Moon was asked if he was interested in the station manager’s job at WDIG after the present manager retires. Suspending people for saying “He plays like elephant poop”  and “Gil has a face that bears a striking resemblance to Dumbo’s butt” on the air can start to wear on you down the years.

Melodramatic??????? Really??????? I don’t know about you, Coach Thorp, but I’m beginning to like Larry, Curly, and Moe run the basketball team.

“Nyuk, nyuk, let’s run that give and go a little faster.’

“Yeah!!!!!! And no dunking on the volleyball net!!!!!!!” BOP!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Well. I was going to get that video lined up for today, “The Radio City Rockettes at the Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club” but the VCR ate the tape and I gotta sort through the spools and that’ll take some time. How ’bout a Twilight Zone episode instead???? I know, I know, watching strip to “New York, New York” accompanied by Coach Shaw on the jazz guitar and Gil on the baritone would have been a fascinating after-Christmas presentation but I KNOW there’s a lot of y’all that love to be Zonin’. Let’s Zone the night away, shall we?

 

I mean, really. Remind me to remind you that this could just be a front. Anyone remember “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes?” Isn’t this just the same difference?

And remember Claude Akins, before he attended Northwestern and majored in Tractor Trailer Technology with a minor in French and went on to pursue a rewarding career driving Kenworth’s on “Movin’ On”, when he appeared on that Twilight Zone episode? Well, gang, guess I shouldn’t give the story away but he WILL figure mightily in the festivities today. He’s taking a break and somebody else is taking his seat in the semi.

“I’mmmmmmm Mr. Mooney and I have driven Freightliners beforrrrreeeeeee.”

Yeah, but looks like you’re having trouble getting it from 4th to 5th gear.”

“I can alllllllwwwayyyysssss call Mrs. Carmichael. She’s been going through the Swift Trucking Schooooooolllllllll when she’s not working at the bannnnkkkkkkkkk.”

 

GIL THORP AND CLAUDE AKINS GO TO THE SAME BARBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Look, Marty, I catch enough of your shit on the radio but this time you’ve gone too far. Some of my best friends watch Claude Akins on ‘B.J. and the Bear’.”

Mimi rushes up, barely missing the Lamar Outdoor Advertising billboard.

“Gil, every other comic strip’s plot has the lights on in its house except for ours. Let’s ask Billy, Jeffy, Dolly, P.J., and Barfy what the deal is. They live one block over.”

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Don’t let them go!!!!!!!!! They’re trying to escape with the rest of E.T.’s friends!!!!!!!!!! I knew you ate too much quiche at The Bucket!!!!!!!!!! I didn’t get suspicious until you insisted to the waitress to start adding Edam cheese!!!!!!!!!!! He’s not as macho as he’s been presenting himself the last 60 years!!!!!!!!”

“That’s not true!!!!!!!!!!! My husband just beat out G. Gordon Liddy to pose for the Marlboro Man when they had to find a replacement after the Marlboro Man died of lung cancer at our basketball game with Tilden!!!!!!!!!”

Claude using his French major to good use

“Arretez-vous!!!!!! Arretez-vous!!!!!!!!! Ne soyez pas malade!!!!!!!!!!”

“Claude, we’re not crazy but Gil goes to Fine Cuts. His barber died of a heart attack last year.”

 

 

Kaz’s earring is wired in gaudy

And Gil’s hair is combed out wrong

You better take off this masquerade

Cuz this stupid plot

Is too lonnnngggggggggggg

 

A little Procul Harum for those of you listening while you’re going down the elevator. “Homburg” is the tune, you whippersnappers.

 

BUT CLAUDE USES MORE BRYLCREAM THAN GIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Kaz, I don’t even use Brylcream anymore. That went out with the Hula Hoop. I use Vidal Sassoon Extra Hold Deer Scent. You, more than anyone else, oughta know when we hit the Milford Athletic Club what toiletries I use the way you’re always mooching for my Old Spice Watermelon Wonder Soap on a Rope and slapping on my Mennen Cool Mist After Shave behind my back.”

“Look who’s talking!!!!!! If you’re gonna swipe one of my jock straps, will you at least put ’em in your Maytag and wash the damn things, cold cycle preferably????? My doctor diagnosed me with Jock Strap Rub and it keeps me awake at night!!!!!”

“Kaz, between signing contracts for officials for Mimi’s basketball games and helping my kids with their pre-school pre-algebra homework, I don’t always find the time to get the mildew. I have used Lysol in the past. Did you ever try to call around for zebras for Mimi’s 5 basketball games????? I’m lucky to have 2 games under my belt so far. And I had to promise one that Rick would wash his referee shirt after the game.”

Claude intervenes.

“I’ll do one of the games. I have my Middle School License through the High School Athletic Association.”

 

Parents complain about YOU, Gil???????? Coach, from what I’ve heard, they pray 5 times a day facing the Mudlark gym. ANYBODY caught complaining on this strip will have his day in court for, 3-4 months at the max, but we all remember what happened several plots ago when Mr. Promoter tried to plug his nephew and his singing talent. He had his nephew AND Gil on the ropes until the script called for Dad to come in and clean things up. We could have used Santa Claus, Barney Fife, Don Rickles, Ed McMahon to run Mr. Promoter out of town but that’s pressing our luck if we want to make restoring your status half-way believable.

“And now, HEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE’SSSSSSSS GIL!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Thanks, Ed, good to be restored to the strip. Guess one shitty apple doesn’t spoil the punch. It’s nice to know all the parents and Doc’s band still support me.”

No.

 

 

 

 

MIMI COACHES A BIDDY BALL SCHEDULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kaz’s girlfriend and Mimi at each other’s throats

“I never put that billboard up but if you’d play some REAL teams instead of those ones you phone out of the Milford Yellow Pages under ‘Social Organizations’, you’d have a couple of championships under your belt, Girl.”

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t the one to sprinkle extra garlic on the Texas Toast Tomato Souffle when the recipe called for paprika. You could’ve caused a white rhino to sneeze his horn off the way you threw your ingredients on the baking pan.”

“Ladies, ladies, now take it easy. There’s no need to fuss at each other. Just cool down and eat another slice of Texas toast. And pass the pimento peppers.”

Claude takes a bite.

“Ummmmmmm, good!!!!!! Where’d you find the recipe?”

“Oh, my great-grandmother baked them for the GI’s when she was a WAC, she-”

BBBRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Sorry, Ladies. Anybody got a Tums?”

“PHEWWWW, Claude, you’re gonna start a riot if you don’t get back on that spaceship with Gazoo.”

 

 

The funky-looking tree behind Gil saying “Hi Mom” is due in Gil’s office on Maple Street.

‘Nuff said.

 

 

 

MARTY MOON STAPLES HIS GOATEE ON HIS FACE BECAUSE HE RAN OUT OF EPOXY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Peaches, that was a pretty low blow. I know I may have a flat tire when we go to bed that needs to be pumped up to at least 35 pounds PSI but leave my Leon Trotsky look alone. He’s my idol. In fact, Mr. Mooney is trying to sport one just like this to intimidate Lucy Carmichael into working faster.”

“Darling, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Yeah, you need a Breathalyzer Test done on your wim-wim but I don’t even have a stapler. You’re just being your usual paranoic self. Happiness is so unreal and love you definitely cannot feel, not with that steroid-starving specimen.”

“Claude, isn’t this your time to intervene? The Twilight Zone is about to end and Rod Serling is due anytime now to step to the plate.”

“Marty, you suck. Ain’t no way I’m standing up for a guy who skipped his group therapy session at the Milford Men’s Clinic. I’m shovin’ off in my truck after Will is done showering in the cab.”

 

Gang, raise your hand if you’re tired of the North By Northwest shot in P3. Don’t you just love the Transitive Property of Equality being employed while Cary Grant is hanging off of Kaz’s left nostril? Don’t think Hitchcock was THAT innovative.

So let’s go ahead and work out the logic while Hitchcock devises a way for Cary Grant to get down (“We could try an escalator. It worked when ELO did ‘Xanadu’. Think of the majesty and grandiloquence of the concept.” “YEAH!!!!!!! THAT’S IT!!!!!!!! Anybody have Jeff Lynne’s number?”) .

 

Only smarmy pricks who went to the DeVry Institute to major in Refrigerator Electronics because a Milford High School diploma was only going to get you a job at the Milford 7-11 can afford to stage malicious billboard messages.

Bobby Howry a/k/a Robert Howry a/k/a Claude Akins’ Evil Twin is a smarmy prick who went to the DeVry Institute to major in Refrigerator Technology because a Milford High School diploma was only going to get you a job at the Milford 7-11.

Quod Erat Demonstratum

Bobby Howry a/k/a Robert Howry a/k/a Claude Akins’ Evil Twin can afford to stage malicious billboard messages.

 

I think we have narrowed down our culprit. We know does not refer to Felix the Cat. Don’t bother. I checked.

 

DR. PEARL DOES HER SOPHOMORE ATTENDANCE REPORTS FOR JANUARY IN THE RAW!!!!!!!!!!!

“Ms. Rizk, I know I’ve been encouraging you to get your head out of that typewriter but honestly, did you have to resort to desperate measures to get a little sunshine?????? You ever try to go to the Milford Tanning Clinic?????? You’d be browner and my reputation would be intact.”

“Mrs. Clampett, I have no clue what you’re talking about. If you would have backed me when I had that run-in with Beaudry’s parents after I’d flunked him, there’d be no need for this conversation. Why would I waste my time insulting you on a billboard when I can say to your face that Mrs. Butterworth and you put fillers in their bras?”

“WELL!!!!!! Sonny-”

“Claude, ma’am.”

“Sonny, Claude, Red Sovine, whatever, I just want to get a Honeywell Word Processor and smash her head!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oh, don’t do that. Mz. Rizk, I’m sorry, I gotta call it like I see it. I’m getting erect for Granny Clampett right now. Her beehive and her false bicuspids are just sending blood through my dick. No need for an ED commercial here. Would you mind leaving the office?”

“Oh, Claude, you say the sexiest things. So you graduated from Northwestern…”

 

Gang, some of you have already commented away and I thank you MIGHTILY for the support and the discussion has been TERRIFIC so far. If ya wanna jump in, have at it. Democracy works, gang. Keep it going so we ALL can breathe.

 

“Wow, Gazoo, you were right. Just put up a few billboards and the next thing you know, the Governor has to call out the Guard on Milford.”

“Yes, yes, my slinky friend. I used the same technique in Bedrock. When I put up a sign that said FRED FLINTSTONE AND MR. SLATE ARE IN A SAME SEX RELATIONSHIP AT THE BEDROCK QUARRY, Barney and Fred were shooting their air-powered rifles at each other in their respective backyards. And Bedrock shared a similar fate with Macchu Pichu.”

“Looks to me like Coach Thorp will get voted out by the survivors and that Kaz will move to West Beverly Hills High School where Dylan Mckay will be his only problem child. And he doesn’t even play basketball.”

“Oh, Coach Thorp is a dum dum. I’ve been telling Dr. Pearl that for years. Maybe now she’ll listen. Want to go for a spin in my UFO? They have a great sushi restaurant on Neptune.”

 

I SHOT COACH SHAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

signed

http://www.anonymouspsychomegalomaniac.com

 

“I got a run to Salt Lake City and Will’s been driving for 16 hours!!!!!!!!! One intervention at a time!!!!!!!!!!!! You hold off Freddy Krueger and Coach Shaw until I get back, goddammmit!!!!!!!!!”

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