WHAT is the Mudlark shooter aiming at in P1????Okay, I’m going to assume the other shooter is not shooting at a barrel that’s burning trash. No eyeing the prairie-style windows to hone his free throw shooting skills. I know you have to be ready to shoot ’em should the other team foul in the late stages of the game, but using the electronic scoreboard for target practice is a bit irregular. At least make sure it’s turned off.
So if the one shooter is indeed shooting towards a basketball goal certified in actual existence by the State High School Athletic Association, WHAT IS THE OTHER MUDLARK SHOOTING AT?????? Shouldn’t he be aiming in the general direction of the other shooter? Is there a peach basket Naismith forgot to dismantle? Man, the ball retriever better have a stepladder handy. I’ve heard of Around The World but that was a basketball game like H-O-R-S-E, not an unwitting shoting drill as in P1. I guess Coach Thorp has a reason behind every lesson in life. If you take aim at the burning barrel, as long as you clean up the trash, you can walk away with the trophy snelling clean even if you got your fingers singed. Thanks, Coach, I’ll remember that next time I go to French Lick and play H-O-R-S-E with Larry Bird aiming at the town crematory.
And lookee, lookee, DOUG WITH A BASKETBALL. No open-end crescent wrench. No Philips screwdriver. No tire jack. We’re making progress. We might, if we’re lucky, actually see him dribble. Sometimes we have to be careful rushing things. It’s still January. I’ll give until Valentines Day to see if he’s going to shoot the ball or does he just put on the uniform every time the camera is rolling. I hate shallow people. Yeah, they’ll dunk it when ESPN is in the building but when no one’s looking, he’s back to changing Darrell Waltrip’s tire. You can’t fool us Richard Petty disguised as Dominique Wilkins. The NASCAR cap is blowing your cover.
Just hang onto that beach ball if you want to continue to give us hope.
I saw a company the other day that was named Quality Screw, Inc. Now I’m confident this is NOT a whorehouse in an industrial district, so I’m breathing easier, even as I text
Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer
“Milford Tire & Wheel Ordered By Judge To Modify Its Latest Billboard Ad!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
“‘We jack off your tire and the price all in one great job’ was deemed inappropriate, especially for the younger viewers.”
And WHO is that beside Shoehorn Vic? I think the mystery of Bigfoot is solved. He was found lacing up for tonight’s game against Perrysburg. Stay focused, Bigfoot. You play the way you roam the woods and scare the shit out of people. He won’t be hard to miss in the game intro’s. Is he going to boogie during “Let’s Get Ready To Rumble”?
Elvis hasn’t left the building although it’s hard to tell, the black marker smudge marks are obfuscating his image. I know his fried bologna sandwiches were causing weight problems but, Thorpiverse, don’t compound the problem by going wild with a Paper-Mate pen. I’d hate to see what Colonel Tom Parker looks like. Old chewing gum slopped on a pencil-drawn sketch? Just sayin’.
And I stand by what I say. Today backs me up. How much basketball action did you see today? I’m waiting. Time’s up, we have a conversation between a basketball player and a fledgling announcer barely getting his feet on the job in two panels and the players heading back to the bus after the game in the third panel. We have to trust T-verse that there was a basketball game between Doug with his basketball stuck up his butt conversing and offering to call the Uber driver to take Vic to the game next time and the Greyhound bus waiting at the station to take them back home. Gil left after the final buzzer because he had to get the car back to Milford Car Rental Agency before midnight or he was going to get hit with late charges.
We have jumped from Tessi and her poring over her points and Corina able to say “There’s no ‘I’ n the word ‘Team'” without black marks smeared all over and showing what Grizzly Adams looks like in a Lady Mudlark uniform to today where more lack of development is in the offing as Doug has taken a break from flipping off Gil and headin’ to the Milford Drag Race qualifying heats and attempting to display a tender side to our less fortunate, with an oversized Nerfball to drive home the issue.
I have read the Chronicles of Narnia and the lion never flipped off Gil to go rescue children or flipped off the children to go rescue Gil. The story stated true to form. No lectures by Corina that the lion’s mane has tics in it.
“Dr. Pearl, we need another grid of lights on the football field. One of the grounds crew ran into the pole and knocked it over.”
“That’s fine, Gil. I’ll call Milford Erection Incorporated and get an estimate. I’ll let you know something by the end of the week.”
“Okee-dokee.”
I would like to put in a plug for Mopped Up Thorp. I think the man is funny and I get beaucoup ideas from the site. If you have the time, check him out. Anything to slay The Gil gets my vote. We’re all in this together.
And the conversation continues in P2 although I really never saw a player before the game stagnating with the basketball and talking about whether Vic is going to hitchhike his way back to the school. If Vic is lucky, he can catch a ride with Gil at halftime. The team is on autopilot anyway. Riding in the trunk beats thumbing for a lift out in this cold anyday. Gil has a heart, you know, even if he’s a lousy coach, an absentee lousy coach at that.
And resuming my thoughts on Doug, Big Guy, this is the time to get ready for the game, not worry about if Doug practically rode on the back bumper of the team bus. It’s called Warm-Ups, Doug. We know that you have been too busy down in Talladega to absorb the concept but pre-game shootarounds and stretching exercises are meant to get you ready for the game. Standing there in front of the Stairway to Heaven expressing your bleeding heart to a guy who was Che Guevara before he got back on the reincarnation wheel really doesn’t help your focus. What are you going to do, call Milford Towing if his vehicle breaks down while you’re at the free throw line? It’s what you do between the lines, Doug. No need to call AAA Road Services while you’re between them.
Gang, I learned something. The biscochito (Literally, “Little biscuit”, I’m believing) is the Official Cookie of the state of New Mexico. I never knew Chips Ahoy! might one day be the official snack of South Dakota
Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer
“Milford City Council Votes Down Keebler Pecan Sandies As Official City Cookie Once Again!!!!!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
“City Spokesperson: ‘We’re holding firm on Oreos. The City of Milford would rather not be linked to a treeful of elves.”
“Doug, while you’re going to Advance Auto Parts for a fan belt, would you mind going to Milford Pastry Shoppe for some biscochitos, some Lance Sour Cream Crackers and a Pumpkin Spice Latte? I have these Milford Erection invoices I have to sort through.”
“Sure, Dr. Pearl. You want Reddi-Whip on your biscochitos again?”
“No, thank you. My doctor warned me about my blood sugar.”
And does ANYBODY have ANY idea what they are talking about in P2? And does Vic do James Brown renditions on the road????? Live at The Apollo in Perrysburg????? He struts to “Living in America” or “Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag” on Perrysburg High’s scorer’s table? Is the wood strong enough to sustain his platform shoes?
Okay, already, Doug, we get it, your heart goes out to a guy less fortunate and Vic, you tailgated the team bus from Milford to Perrysburg. But how does riding the Mudlark bus bumper relate to Milford’s next two opponents which are by your account formidable? The storyline took another unforseen bend in the river but Mark Twain had a paddle wheel to steer when he took his steamboat through Life on the Mississippi. How do you guide a tugboat that lost its rudder when it collided into all the ducks at Mudlark Lake? Stories are meant to have a point but again, we’re observing several stories cross each other and leave a few non-sequitors in the wake. Vic in P2 is presumably sizing up Milford Boys Basketball the next two weeks but we’ve wound up on Gil’s lawn. With the water sprayer going full blast.
Damn it, Doug, shanghai him on the bus next trip if it’ll make you feel any better so that we don’t have you talking yin and he’s talking it’s called the Yellow River because everybody pees in it every morning. Or yang, same difference.
If ya wind up gittin’ shanghai’d at the county Turkey Shoot in the NEXT county ta call the winners uv th’ action even if yore reason was becuz yore 4-wheel drive broke down, ya might be a redneck.
All righty then, let’s see if we’re on the same page. It is okay for Milford High School to not only shove its PA announcer on the other team, but he can do his homework on company time. Okay, I’m sure Perrysburg responded, but he’s bringing his own hot dogs. We don’t supply sack lunches to the opponent.
And what is the purpose of taking notes at a ball game that he is supposedly the dude who announces all the fouls? Just one more blind alley that Thorpiverse is conducing us down that more than likely will shed no light towards the end. Was there really any closure when all the free food got dumped at the charity ball game? Shoot, the ump damn near called the forfeit. Daggone, I forgot, Mr. Rooney confessed that he was the one who called Domino’s. Thank you for that candid vocalization, Mr. Rooney. We were entertaining the notion of calling a private detective agency until you came clean. No need to drop the quarter on the gas can in Encyclopedia’s garage if Mimi and Bugs Meany spilled out their guts and admitted they bribed the Jay’s Subs driver to deliver googelplex number of sandwiches.
And so if we don’t ever find out that ol’ Shoehorn was doing the crossword while Little Richarding a Mudlark slam dunk, no worries. Plot development will still suck but the truth will surface eventually. If you ate too many Jay’s $5 Footlongs in the midday sun like mad dogs and Englishmen, you’re bound to not only throw up the merchandise but discover Coach Kaz maxed out on his Milford Teacher’s Credit Union Debit Card financing the subs. It may get ugly but cathartic.
WOP BOP A BOO BOP A WOP BAM BOOM TUTTI FRUTTI
” Vic, who scored that last 3-pointer?”
And naturally, Doug, unless that’s a piece of outerwear promoting The White Album from The Beatles, has to show off his Nascar colors. As if we couldn’t guess his allegiances. Doug, do you REALLY think we’re this stupid? You have not been witnessed playing a minute of basketball, even if we see aborted attempts to imitate a basketball player. You swing your weight and your gym bag around but for all we know, your gym bag is full of Snap-On Tools. Now look, it’s bad enough if the Jay’s Subs appears at this game but if the Snap-On truck shows up at mid-court, you deserve to be relegated to racing against Valley Modified. I don’t think Mr. Rooney will finance the Snap-On Gift Card. You’ll have to buy your own Snap-On tool box.
I admit those tools come in handy when you manage to fast forward this game. Winning with the aid of a lot of hearsay must be nice. I always participated myself but maybe that’s why I never got a Nascar jacket at Christmas.
“And Milford wins, 72-64, and if Dipwad Vic will hand me the stat sheet, I will give you the numbers after these messages. Go do your homework on a Dixie cup, Shoehorn. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”
“My goodness, what a response we’ve gotten since we last spoke. Many people are tired of being out of breath or being called ‘Porky’. One man at the support group meeting poured out his tears when he lamented his lack of control at flatulating at staff meetings at work. We were glad he could eat Van Camp’s with a sense of bravado once again.
Hi, this is Mimi Thorp for Milford Nutr-Well Center. I personally was fed up with being burned on 2-on-1 fast breaks when I was playing basketball in the driveway with my kids. Talk about parking in a driveway. I couldn’t even drive in a parkway, let alone on my daughter, I was so fatigued from all those Ritz Butter Crackers I snacked on. It was time to snack healthy and let the Schwan’s driver deliver Rocky Road to Alice Kravitts across the street. It kept her from snooping too. Rich ice cream will cut down in spying in the window.
When my own daughter was backing me down in the paint, it was time to take charge. I called Milford Nutr-Well Center and they sent a Field Secretary to explain my options. And was I surprised.
The Field Sec showed me some plans that could maximize my food intake but not maximize my waistline while minimizing the cost. That was important because I was close to maximizing the payments on the septic tank we purchased a few years ago and while the fart odors have been minimized thanks to engineering tactics that manipulated the water systems to healthy levels, I really didn’t want to keep raiding Gil’s credit cards in his wallet when he was asleep. Eventually his Visa Gold would maximize if the septic tank backed up and flooded the basement again. Floating turds and overdrafts are smelly and no fun.
First, you have to have breakfast as that is your chance to refuel after 8-10 hours of no food. The Field Sec showed me how to have a healthy breakfast that didn’t have to include Wonder Toast dipped in wheat germ oil. In fact, she ordered on the back catalog some Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausage and Biscuits which should arrive any day now. If I could sustain myself on the Wonder Toast and a bowl of Lucky Charms, the Federal Express man would deliver the celestial diet items, Nutr-Well Center paying for the shipping. With a glass of orange juice, I was well on my way to dunking on my daughter, especially after lowering the goal to 8 feet.
My Field Sec also gave an excellent diagrammed plan, breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, bedtime snack. And did it work!!!!!!!!!! I found that you really couldn’t go without eating all day as your metabolism would shut down. So some cherries at mid-morning, a healthy veggie burger at lunch washed down with lentil soup and prune juice, plus a healthy portion of turkey breast filets with mashed potatoes at dinner sent me on my way to slimming the pudge that was protruding every time I called a time out. It was embarrassing to remind them they were in a 1-3-1 zone when my abdomen was jumping up and down with my boobs. Now drinking Mott’s Diet Prune Juice and gobbling up turkey legs got me off the bench faster when I cussed out the referee when he called a charge when it was clearly a blocking foul. And if I wanted to cheat and eat a Twinkie, as long as I carefully weighed it on the scale, well, Heaven was just a sin away.
The Field Sec also mentioned that sometimes the chicken cacciatore wouldn’t always agree with the fried beets and the Fanta wasn’t going to wash it down. No problem. Milford Nutr-Well Center contracted with Uber to deliver, free of charge, X-Lax in the soft gel tablets. A month’s supply ensured that we could eat our ostrich chili in peace and if that got stuck with the couscous, we could could chew on a chocolate tablet and clean ourselves of the whole affair. In fact, one night I had a Rice Krispie treat after 3 hours of diarrhea. I considered it a reward for soldiering on at the the toilet seat.
And you have helped spike sales of our Nutr-Well Systems and the powers-that-be are so ecstatic that they have engaged a special offer. Between now and the end of the month, if you lose at least 10 pounds, Milford Nutr-Well Center will send you absolutely free the February Dessert Plan. Isn’t that wonderful? Endure another week or two of leg of lamb and split pea soup with Milford Vending Diet Pork Rinds as a snack and Jello Pudding Pops will be awaiting you before Valentine’s Day. I have a couple of Pork Rind bags next to Jif Peanut Butter Crunchy in the lazy Susan even as I speak.
What are you waiting for? Call Milford Nutr-Well Center today and beat your son at his own game in the driveway. If you get exhausted playing him in a game of H-O-R-S-E, it’s time to call and take life by the horns and score the lay-up along the way.”
The Mudlark Basketball player is practicing Muscular Christianity. If he was really shooting, the goal would show up on the panaromic photo, so there.
God bless you, Gang.
“Gil, I need to use that scale to weigh my can of Le Seuer Peas. Are you done weighing your basketballs?”
“Go for it. They should be High School Athletic Association regulation weight by now.”
After hanging up the phone at the Thorp household
“Mommy, Milford Erection Incorporated just called. They said they’ll have the poles reaching climax tomorrow after they treat the wood and set them up for our large kiddie pool.”
“That’s fine, honey. Did you send out all your birthday invitations for your pool party tomorrow?”