“Something appealing
Something appalling
Something for EVERYONE
A comedy tonight”
Oh, this isn’t “A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum”. I was confused for a sec. When I saw those Roman Colosseum seats in P1, I was led astray. And while I’m being led down the Wide Path to Destruction, it occured to me that it really wouldn’t be a good idea to lug Orville Redenbacher’s Jumbo Popcorn and 26 bottles of Canada Dry Ginger Ale and 37 cups of Coca-Cola and 15 boxes of M & M’s Peanut up Mount Everest. You might want to have that all airlifted if you plan on sitting in the top row to watch Milford get thrown to the lions.
And do you old-timers (like moi) or even movie watchers in toto (like Bolek and his munchkins) remember that Roman guard in the same movie who was the biggest bully this side of Pug and his Uglies? What instigated the misunderstanding was the Miles Gloriosus pose Tiki is displaying in P1. Well, I suppose there isn’t any distinction between being out of your element by assuming the role of a cornerback-nee-kicker and consequently getting bummed out from interfering with the receiver, the shot of the play appearing to be a good call so he can’t blame the zebras (not the ones in Marty’s condo in Mudlark Lake Resort to avert any further consternation) and his heartbreak over the loss of Philia, sort of the Juliet in the movie (Although the death was staged in the movie although you could really say that for this plot, really not much difference BETWEEN the movie and this plot thus far when the final penalty flag lands to the ground) , grabbing his helmet in a state of mourning over the loss of Philia/getting a flag thrown on him that decides the game although it’s hard for me to imagine his singing a dirge for the penalty like he did for Philia in the movie. But stranger things have happened. Just don’t throw your mouthpiece out in the woods, Miles. Philia would have wanted you to exert self-control. Not worth it.
THEN I didn’t see Buster Keaton running out of the poplars onto the field to do a Franco Harris Miracle Run so I knew this was Thorpiverse. Unfortunately. Buster was more entertaining.
I would LOVE to give a shout-out to Delisa English of Louisville, Kentucky. She is bubbly and vivacious and though confined to a wheelchair, her spirit, her will, her determination, her intelligence, and her love of life know no bounds. She went to a job-finding agency to show she can still cut it in the workaday world. SHE CAN cut it, gang, and she has my blessing to pursue her dreams along the way. Delisa, you deserve to be recognized because you represent America. Can-do lives on, thanks to you.
Because I am unclear on the concept when I saw a restaurant this past week displaying as part of its logo “Scratch Kitchen”, I will enlighten myself by exploring a couple of (or more) possibilities.
At the Milford Clay Oven, The Taste of the Himalayas, Scratched to your Satisfaction
Gil complains to the manager
“The chicken in this Chicken Tikka Masala wasn’t scratched sufficiently. It tastes like a Goodrich tire. At least a Goodyear tire has more texture.And the kiddie fries from the Children’s Menu barely got scraped. How many times did you say you sent them through the nutmeg grinder?”
“Gil, did you mention that the Vegetable Korma weren’t massaged properly?”
“You bet I did, Mimi. I told him the Lima beans didn’t have enough scratch marks like a an old 45 “Elvis Presley-Burnin’ Love” when you and the kids were in the Clay Oven Playland.”
If ya complain to management at the Milford Fazoli’s that the kitchen crew didn’t apply enough deer rub in the deer meat when ya wuz chowin’ down The Sampler (spaghetti, lasagna, eggplant doe alfredo), ya might be a redneck.
And I am REALLY unclear on those helmets in P2. Since the plot has been executing more dancing than football, I know for a fact that the kicker is not only kicking the football (Buster Keaton out in the woods somewhere to retrieve the ball and thereby do some more running) but kicking up his cleats, er, heels to “Skip to my Lou, My Darling”. Okay, THAT out of the way, IS THAT REALLY A ‘J’ on the side of their of their helmet or the State of Louisiana? Well, we’ve solved one mystery after much debate over what state Milford is located. We’re making progress in geography if not in this plot. Maybe we oughta put a Rand-McNally Atlas under the Christmas tree to expedite things since Christmas might be the turning point of the plot.
Shout-out to Elaine Weisbard of St. Matthews, Kentucky, who has shown me that though she is legally blind, it has NOT stopped her from shopping, socializing with friends, and giving of herself to other people. She gave me some bananas the other day as a gesture of her kindness which she has extended to MANY people. She still lives in a house and manages the household with aplomb and skill. She has done the right thing and it shows. I salute you, Elaine.
At The Bucket “Where Scratching is our Business”
“This Bucket Triple Decker Cheese Burger IS made from scratch. Do you want to see the cows in the back of the restaurant? There’s a semi from that farm delivering more Angus cows at our delivery dock. You never heard of Roadway?”
One possibility I ruled out
“Sir, I’m sorry, the grill cook has psoriasis BIG TIME. Would you want another Livercheese Burger?”
“Uhhhhhhh, no, quite all right. We’ll just head down to Denny’s”
Marty, finishing spraying the fire extinguisher to a couple of passengers on the Milford Transit Authority mini-bus
“Mr. Moon, we wanted the heat turned on but “Extra Lake of Fire” was a bit much.”
Thanks to Luther Gideon and Mary Simpson, both of Jeffersontown, Kentucky for the above idea. I hope and pray you are doing well. Both of you mean A LOT to me.
Last BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST is P3. Gang, when my nephew was in a batting slump for his high school team, he NEVER got called down to the Principal’s office. Didn’t get Due-Processed if he ran through the 3rd base coach’s sign, didn’t serve In-School Suspension if he dropped the ball with the game on the line.
So what the Hell is Tiki doing in Gil’s office? Hard to imagine they’ll be talking about conjugating “Etre” in French (“Now repeat after me, Je suis, Tu es, …”) .
Over the intercom in Tiki’s Intro Auto Mechanics class, xylophone serving as the prep signal
“Mr. Shop Teacher?”
“Yesssssss?”
“Is Tiki Jensen there?”
“Yes, he is.”
“Would you send him down to Gil’s office over that fuck-up that cost the game?”
“He’s in the middle of a test. I’ll send him down after that.”
“Thank you.”
And what’s up with these dark figures in the background. Are they going to stage a sit-down protest if Tiki gets the paddle? Gil, at least go get Kaz as a witness so that proper procedure is followed. We really don’t want any “Gil Must Go!!!!!!!!!!” rallies in the front of the gym.
Or maybe Tiki is being burned in effigy. Yeah, that’s it.
All righty then. Based on my approval for robmize’s analysis of the newly-introduced characters in the plot 1-2 weeks ago, especially the so-called kickers, I thought I would try to round this thing up in a synopsis to bring sense to it all.
And what better way than with a POP QUIZ, oh, you know, I’ve beaten this in the ground, I’ll admit, but one that is UNEXPECTED, an unfavorite pasttime of a student who thinks that no way will Professor Kingsfield will Pearl Harbor us with a 1000-point quiz after the student has been scuba-diving in Mudlark Lake all day long and up to the wee hours of the morning to go trout-fishing with a Sports Illustrated Bikini Model of the Year. Talk about the spider feasting on the fly.
HOWEVER, YOU, gang are the fly (or flies) in this case and I’m going to enjoy the Hell out of wearing that Bozo the Clown bow tie that Kingsfield always wears while I deliver to you on your desk, along with Spicoli’s pizza, a short pop quiz. Now, if you’ve been paying attention and taking notes the past 2-3 weeks, the pop quiz should be easier than combing Kaz’s hair as long as you don’t utilize a rake. And #2 pencils only. You may begin.
Matching
A) Tiki
____ A generic teacher who warns the students
a semester ahead of time that there will
be a pop quiz by the time the next sequel
“Gil and Mimi Get Brainwashed on the
Planet of the Apes” is released at the
Milford Cineplex. His great-great
grandfather was killed in the Little Big
Horn ambush when he gave the order to
smoke signal “You may fire when ready,
Sitting Bull”.
B) Tiki’s sister
____ America’s favorite movie critic and
kicker. He has proven you can kick and
chew Mike and Ike Cherry Drops at the
same time while slumbering through
“Gone With The Wind”. Mad at Coach
Thorp when Thorp took his kids out of
the theater right before Sherman’s March
to Atlanta so that they could get to
Milford Go-Kart Extravaganza before it
closed and drive on the reputed longest
track in the world or the horse-guided
kiddie track.
C) Joe Bolek
____ A guy who sells used cars at the Milford
Auto Auction and kicks on the weekend
for the Mudlarks and the semi-pro team,
Milford United on the weekend in his
leisure time.
D) Mr. Hand-Professor Kingsfield-Mr. Price
____ Groupies who have really added nothing
to the plot and are really nothing more
than celebrated supernumeraries. Look
at them as those ugly gremlins in
“Phantasm” alongside the Lurch-like
man toting that Gil’s coffin down the
street and you’ll see the correlation. One
groupie’s dad was in the middle level of
the pile at The Who concert in Cincinnati.
E) Joe Bolek’s friends
_____ A female who is not only nameless but
we haven’t even SEEN yet. I think the
state penitentiary is holding her over
another week until her credit record is
cleared. Then the Parole Board will
stamp “Approved” for her and Red so
that they can wend their way down to
Mexico and build an ocean liner.
Did you ace it? Do you think you might have missed one? Never fear, unlike Kingsfield who can be such a dick about these things, I am offering extra credit to make your score a perfect speciman or even turn up the fire if you’ve been studying. Good study habits are essential if you want to pass the Board scores for Milford Community College.
Anyway, have at it. What have you got to lose?
F) Marty Moon
_____ A lady who appears occasionally to break
the monotony (the TWIM staff and readers
finishing the job), and one of these days,
she will get married to God knows whom,
maybe someone off Craig’s List filed under
“desperate.” Elvis is dead, so is Frankie,
and the latest report confirms she is in a
casual relationship with Moe the
Bartender
G) Peaches
_____ A low-down snake and vermin, with slime
added to the mix, related two generations
back to Sabrina’s ghoulies who has been
Gil’s tormentor and evil twin Dutch evil
twin since the advent of the Atomic Age.
He possesses the mouth of a city sewer,
has brains at a comparable level, plus a
goatee, confirming he never outgrew his
’50’s Beatnik days. When he was a cub
reporter for The Mudlarkian, 1st Period
Journalism class, writing scores and
commentary for Gil’s bowling prowess
(boy o boy) , Gil was the star and captain
of the squad. Principal Ek, BTW, was the
co-captain.
How did you do? All perfect scores and beyond will receive a coupon good for a Bucket Fulla Lasagna and Succotash and must be redeemed by the end of the month. For a dollar extra, add tater tots and a medium drink.
Gang, fire away. I need to get in shape so I’m gonna help Buster go get some footballs. We both just gotta watch the poison ivy around a couple of ’em.
Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer
“O.J. Sues Milford Clay Oven, The Taste of the Himalayas, Concerning Overdone Lamb In His Lamb Tikka Kebab Happy Meal!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
sub head line
“Man, all that scratchin’ that lamb meat on some Clydesdale’s ass gave me the runs bad.”
As the Thorps go to the cash register to pay for their food
“Was everything OK?”
“I’ve had better Tandoori Chicken Salad scratched on a rubber chicken!!!!!!!!”
“Gil!!!!!!!!!”
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