This Week in Milford

January 20, 2018

Jadine, honey is that you?

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Okay, we get it. Paloma Padilla is suffering from survivor’s guilt of a sort, as she’s complained to her teammates at The Bucket for the past two days. Apparently when you say “chunky bracelets” they just bring you those, too. If this week has been prologue, we’ll spend the next couple of months having Paloma and everyone else tell us about things that happened that we never get to see happen.

Tell-Don’t-Show Disease has spread to Jacky Elenore (who Googles up a blank; guess that spelling throws things off) and Jadine Bynes, who rubs her cheek as if to show us some abrasion or contusion inflicted on her by Paloma. Jadine’s a veteran Lady Mudlark who’s used to getting knocked around by her teammates during practice. She should know how to handle that by now, assuming she’s gotten over those stomach problems.

I’m more impressed by Jacky’s ventriloquist act; throwing your voice while drinking water isn’t the easiest trick.

Today’s post title was a gimme. Get you some!

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[technical difficulties, please stand by]

Filed under: Gil Thorp, metapost — teenchy @ 1:09 pm

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As I write (2:00pm EST) GoComics has not updated its Gil Thorp strip for today. I didn’t realize GoComics performed a nonessential government function. Stay tuned…

January 18, 2018

“They Actually Asked Me if I Wanted a Hot Apple Pie With My Order.”

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Dad, if you’re reading this, thanks for egging me on. I was scared clueless but you always navigate the storms with the best of them. Love you, Big Guy.

Not that my mom (happy birthday, yesterday, Mom) and my sister didn’t figure into things. They certainly gave me incentive to pull this one off. Love you too.

This is the Dean Koontz novel that was never published, stored under his high school yearbooks in the attic. You know, Ernest P. Worrell’s thought process arose from the grave of anonymous cemetery somewhere in Nashville, leaving the body of the aforementioned to rot eternally in the ground (“Ernest P. Worrell burns in Hell along with Carrie White”) and assumed the body of Frito Bandito through the means of telekinesis. His sister, spending more time absorbing culture shock at The Bucket than developing her postup skills (they do have gymnasiums available in case you change your mind), was worried sick about him since one day, while taking her home from school, he said to her “Yo quiero Taco Bell. Tengo mucho hambre. Ya wanna go in the dining area or the drive-thru, Vern? Do ya think my F-150 with them mud-caked monster wheels will clear the bar?”

In P1, Ward Cleaver is having one of those heart-to-heart talks every father has with his son. Here was the gist of the warm words doled out “Beaver, I already have Eddie Haskell at the point and Lumpy Rutherford will play the 2 guard while Lurch will anchor things down low. But don’t worry, if Eddie or Lumpy are caught not hustling, you’re comin’ off the bench.”

And you’re not fooling me, Thorpiverse. Gil and Jorge missed the ferry across the river Styx to Hades, Charon running behind, although said mythological figure managed to transport Ernest P. and Carrie in a reasonable amount of time. So Gil and Jorge are returning from the Shadow of Death. Perhaps another time.

In P3, it gets about as ridiculous as you can imagine. Many countries, Third World countries included, have been bitten by the Americana bug and are liberally sprinkled with McDonald’s, KFC, Pizza Hut, Wal-Mart, etc. Maybe 30-40 years ago, America was kept at a distance but now I have yet to read an article in the paper discussing some Third World dictator executing political prisoners on the charges of devouring one Big Mac too many. And what makes it worse, Puerto Rico is a Commonwealth of the U. S. Not that I approve of what’s going on (I don’t) but Puerto Rico has also arguably been one of the forerunners of soaking in American culture.

Oooook, so that said, if ya git Church’s Fried Chicken 3-Piece (2 breasts, 1 wing) Extra-Greasy Combo with mashed potatas ‘n’ okra, both stuffed in them microscopic styrofoam cups and ya have a bunch of ’em stored in 5 feet x 5 feet crates shipped from the ports of San Juan straight to a space in yore garage next to the power riding mower, ya might be a redneck.

Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer:

“UFO Spotted in the Milford Gymnasium!!!!!!”

“Officials Later Confirmed That Someone Was Practicing His 3-Point Shooting.”

Yesterday’s headline from the Milford Enquirer:

“Gil Claims to Have Seen Elvis!!!!!!!!!!”

“I Told Him I Needed A Note From His Parents and His Physical Had to Be Turned in by Friday.”

Gang, you’ve been super all week. The comments were electric and I wish I could address ’em all because they were FUNNY and/or THOUGHT-PROVOKING. It’s your turn, Ladies & Gentlemen. What’s on your mind?

 

January 17, 2018

Milford Floor-Spaces Oakwood in Foul-Prone, Cold-Shooting, Knock-Down, Drag-Out, Loser-Leaves-The-Comic-Strip Show-Down in the Play-Downs!!!!!!!!!!

Filed under: basketball, Gil Thorp, Marjie Ducey, Steve Luhm's Ghost Mops These Floors — tdrewhardin @ 2:36 am

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Whew! I gotta sit down. That’s a lotta hyphens. Let me catch my breath, Gil. I mighta over-hyphenated as I think you could ram together play-downs to playdowns but did you ever try to keep up with a man who must have went to the library to check out a book on basketball lingo(get a life, Gil) and proceeded to memorize the terminology from A to Z?

Gil sipping his cappuccino, taking a long drag on his meerschaum. Mimi is drumming her fingers on the coffee table, waiting for The Moment. “Pick-and-Roll. Ummmm, let’s see, don’t tell me, Mimi, let me think, I’m still flushing football out of my system. Isn’t that where you try to draw a charge by rolling to the ground in a knee-jerk reaction when opponent makes slight contact with you on his way to the hoop? No???? Gimme that book!!!!!!”

Gil, I’ll even settle for a game of HORSE, heck, I’ll spot you H and O, but can we get on with the sport, for cryin’ out loud???? We’ve seen as much basketball inertness as we have hyphenated nomenclature. Preseason(oops, Pre-season) consisted of a girl (understandably) moanin’ the blues while her brother had a powwow with Lurch & company yesterday, and if anybody noticed, if he’s a guard, EXCEPT for Lurch, he seemed to semi-tower over the rest of the floor-spacers. And poor #5 a/k/a Larry Fine, Jr(dad must be in the stands somewhere, proud as a peacock-good one, Jive Turkey, BTW). How’s he gonna floor-space, using one arm?

C’mon, Thorp. If you’re gonna try to convince the rest of the population that Jumpin’ Jack Foxworthy is the real deal and can pilfer my lunch money off the top of the backboard, it’s gonna take more than a snapshot resembling the Kentucky State Flag(as in P3). “Well, I never saw you, I was still trying to get “Slash-and-Burn” down cold but you’re as good as advertised.” “Thanks, Coach, but did you check out ‘Fun with Cultural Anthropology’ by mistake?”

Pity the poor fool engineering the up-the-nostril camera angle in P1. I hope he has insurance. Or a strong back brace. Just don’t zoom the lens for a Big Close-up and you should be OK(“yuk, Gil, need a Kleenex?” Thanks, Marcie. Now where was I? Oh, yeah, we’re gonna Shake-and-Bake…”).

And remember, if yore name is Francisco Jose de Goya y Lucientes but ya got an accent only a Mississippian could translate and ya commute to school in a 4-wheel drive, the same one that got ya In-School Suspension on account of the gun rack ya toted on school property, even if the same inexplicably carried yore textbooks like Chem I and World Geography, ya might be a redneck.

Enough of me. Gang, we’ve had some strong comments the last couple of days. Waitin’ on y’all. That’s how I learn.

January 16, 2018

Don’t Never Use Double Negatives, Paloma (or Do You Go By “Dove”?)

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 4:20 am

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John S. and billytheskink brought up an interesting point yesterday, pointing out that the girls’ basketball team and Paloma Padilla in particular were in certain cases treated as an afterthought, Jorge (that’s HOR-hay, Gil) being the main attraction. After watching my mom, while volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, being treated initially as a gofer BUT winding up doin’ the hammerin’ and nailin’ with the best of them (BELIEVE ME, 2 local newspaper articles attested to that), I can certainly relate. More on that later.

Right now, it’s the middle of January and we’re STILL in the preliminary stages of the sport Naismith invented. I don’t think Muscular Christianity started this way, at least it wouldn’t be implemented this late. Paloma is on a street corner impersonating a basketball player while anonymous teammate is reading her fortune off the ANUS basketball she has in her possession. It’s bad enough that the plot got off on the wrong foot with Gil imitating the Galloping Gourmet yesterday but has anyone ever heard of basketball rims? There is at least one in the gym, right? And I thought they were practicing on the tennis courts(P1) until I saw the bleachers in the background.

Then, in P2, Paloma utters something only a logician is qualified to break down (oh, and in P1, I was taken aback with “…leo to it” until I realized the “o” was a “d”, typewriter key must be on the blink). Since that is presumably one of the premises, perhaps the only premise, is the conclusion all people who don’t matter lose sleep over what happens in Puerto Rico, especially people who live outside the city limits of Milford?

THEN we come to Jose, er, Jorge Foxworthy. If ya got a basketball uniform on but ya don’t play basketball and ya chew Red Man in the jump circle with yore buddies and talk like Ernest P. Worrell (“What’s yore free throw percentage, Vern?”) and ya can jump out of the gym only cuz ya seen the deputy sheriff enterin’ the gym with an outstanding warrant over child support issues, ya might be a redneck.

Okay, I promised to address the issue of Paloma being treated like a nonentity which has tons of merit. So, without further ado, as long as I’m on a Gilligan’s Island roll, awayyyyy we go…

“…with Aardvark-iannnn

His mother too

Gilberto Thorp and his wife

The Spanish Star

And the rest(Kaz and Paloma are displayed in those boat steering wheel icons)

Are here on Aardvarkian’s Isle!!!!!!!!”

Bob Denver, who played Gilligan, was furious when Russell Johnson, who played the Professor, and Dawn Wells, who played Mary Ann were in “…and the rest” status, practically threatening to walk off the set if they didn’t change the lyrics. Hence, “…the Professor and Mary Ann”. Take a hint, Thorpiverse.

All right, gang. Have at it. Lotta good stuff yesterday. Keep it up.

January 15, 2018

…a 3 Hour Tour, a 3 Hour Tour, or, Next Time, Gil, Use Pam to Scrape Mystery Meat

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 4:36 am

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Okay, so the S. S. Minnow WILL return from the sea and I will be back to civilization faster than you can say “Paloma is Spanish for dove, Gil”. Seriously, I am honored to be the guest blogger this week. But, hey, you guys make it happen. Without a little help from my friends, I struggle. I prefer to take the easy route and give credit where it is due and that’s ALL the commentators that make this thing work.

So where were we? Oh, yeah, in Rachel Ray’s kitchen where Gil prefers to broil his steaks, chops, chewing toy(we can probably rule out the last one) rather than light up the grill in the backyard, more than likely covered with True Value tarp due to January. Then again, football ended a couple of weeks ago…

And one of these days, Gil will get an increase in pay as a teacher-coach(I mean, dude worked serious overtime in the football season) and be able to afford a REAL spatula, one in proportion to the meat he’s allegedly fishing out of the skillet.

By then, we assume the problems involving our Spanish-speaking dynamic duo will be downsized to a dull roar but for now, we wait with bated breath(get the feeling I have a sarcastic streak in the works?) in anticipation of one who can jump out of the gym even if he practices air-guitarring free throws and the other nicknamed The Dove because apparently she flies through the air like one, to the chagrin of the opponent assigned to guard her. In the meantime, careful with that knife, Eugene, er, Mimi.

Comment away, gang. I’ll be busy trying to figure out if that’s a sponge in P1-P2 or a head of lettuce(betting money on the latter in P1 if a gun is pointed at my head). Only in Thorpiverse is it a matter of debate.

January 13, 2018

Gil Thorp Doesn’t Care About Huddled Masses

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Boy, I sure feel like trotting out my New Yorker-referencing post from last March. Could Gil be any more of an insensitive prick? Jordy’s cousin Jorge has had his home destroyed and is just looking for some semblance of order in his life right about now. All Gil cares about is that the kid isn’t as tall and broad as he’d like in the showers on the court. Remember, Gil, you go to war with the basketball team you have, not the one you might want or wish to have at a later time.

Surely Coach Thorf can pull out his Little Golden Book of Sports Strategies from the Early 20th Century and find one suitable for a team full of guards. Small ball, run-and-gun, a lot of forced switching up on defense, with a focus on speed, agility and a whole lot of conditioning training – the options for a size-challenged basketball team are out there. Then again, for a coach who pulls old formations and strategies out of his ass mid-season and expects his players to adapt almost immediately, that may be too much to expect.

Jordy Castillo is becoming that rarest of birds in the Thorpiverse: a guy with a goatee who isn’t a cardboard villain or fly in the ointment.  Jorge looks to come from good stock.

January 12, 2018

Chances of this storyline being any good – Nada.

Filed under: basketball, Gil Thorp — robmize2013 @ 6:12 pm

This thread is already unraveling with Primo showing his shooting form in the office; it dont mean a damn thing if you’re laying bricks on the court. Only in comic strip land can Primo be eligible this season anyway. Transfers in our world have to sit out a semester.

If he started class today – how the hell is he just now wandering into Gils office? Why isnt he ….IN CLASS??? Gil is a dope. Oh just start whenever you want. I keep my students here all summer and then they play football til New Years Day. Who needs a calendar or a watch?

 

Now for a parody song based on another parody song I heard the other day about the Bears new O-line coach Harry Hestand. The tune is REM’s Stand from 1988.

Gil Thorp what do you do at wooork?

Cant coach Larks

Any old direction would do fine but you dont have the time

Gil Thorp You’re not doing good woork–

Cant find guards

Think about your coaching wonder why your team is the worst.

Soto cant play

His uncle’s a scum

The veer is a joke

The games are not fun

Marty is gonna put you on the ground

When Heather steps in, your career is done.

Gil Thorp what do you do at woork?

Cant use Case

Pick a new direction may we suggest towards the defense

Gil Thorp you’re not doing good wooork–

Cant find backs

Think about the running game and please try to make it suck less.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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