Would You Like A Hot Apple Pie With Your Low-Menthol Vape Stick?

Gang, I hate to drag the Preacher part of me back into this but hear me out and I promise I will steer out of this as quickly as I steer in. First off, I am very unfamiliar with vape sticks and understandably so. Being a Christian, I believe the body is God’s temple and vape sticks can cause severe damage to that temple.

That said, what I have learned about vape sticks came from an article published by a medical doctor at Johns Hopkins University, not exactly a place where “Yes, you too can be a doctor” ads exist. They won’t display their wares next to the Charles Atlas section in the back of the comic book. The article basically said that while vape sticks were not as harmful as conventional cigarettes, you really shouldn’t start those either because they still have harmful effects, only in different aspects.

That’s what I would say here. If you don’t smoke, please don’t start. If you do smoke, quit. You are inhaling chemicals that have links to cancer and can make your life miserable even if you don’t die. DEFINITELY don’t start vape sticks. In the end, it’s your body. You’re free to use it as you wish. Just PLEASE don’t shove it on me. All I ask.

I just absolutely chuckle when I see Darrius and Tobe in P1 surrounded by all these stacks of bills. Like they just robbed Milford Federal. What makes this more of a farce is that Melissa Gordon was trying to keep Tobe out of trouble by having Gil sign on to practically be a godfather. But it appears as if Tobe is the Don Corleone here. Naturally, Gil ditched on us and was last seen doing TV ads for Honest Ugly Moustache’s Used Cars. With plots running every which way, thereby confirming the Random Atomic Theory, Gil is somewhere in all these atoms buzzing around the container but may have gotten caught in the aluminum foil with the rest of the slower Giltrons.

And I don’t know the laws about vape sticks but I’m confident the next Milford High School Boys Basketball Cherry Bomb Vape Stick Raffle will be the first one. I’m not so sure that Gil would be crazy about minors selling this type of merchandise because the Milford Police never led a raid on someone’s house for Band Candy. Quick!!!!!!! Here comes the fuzz!!!!!! Flush the World’s Finest Chocolate down the toilet!!!!!!! Gil would kick Darrius off the team if he was pushing Milford Valley Fruit Cake on a random street corner????

I once was walking down the street when some loser at a street corner softly asked me “Need some weed?” (I naturally called the police.) I just can’t see myself with some pusher asking me “Need some fruit cake?” or “Need some Snickers?” Therefore, while I don’t think Darrius and Tobe are going to the Milford Federal Pen for their actions, I wouldn’t be surprised before too long after Gil ceases driving Archie’s jalopy or a car once driven by Heehaw from Pasadena on the Honest Kaz’s Used Contraptions TV ads that he gets on his High Vape Stick and lays down the law on this. And you didn’t sell me one? You’re off the team. You’re banished to the New Harmony Labyrinth of Plots forever. Don’t call me if you get lost. If you’re vape sticks and World’s finest get washed up in the Wabash River nearby, that’s your problem.

Moreover, I really don’t like how Tobe has metamorphed from Innocent Babe Who Creates His Own Touchdowns to GODDAM PUSHER MAN. When Steppenwolf made that song, I don’t think they had in mind a teenage urchin who couldn’t sell World’s Finest because he was eating half the merchandise when they performed it live. Don’t bogart that World’s Finest, My Friend, ship some over to my side of the car. What’s this going to be, Easy Rider II???? The Byrds play “I Wasn’t Born to Follow” as Darrius and Tobe try to vend Milford Herbal Farm Raunchy Raspberry Vapor Vibes to Heehaw during visitation hours???? Play Hendrix’s “If 6 Was 9” as Tobe is hawking Lemon Lifter Vapor Vipes to all the nurses on night duty at Milford Adult Center???? Play “The Weight” from The Band as Darrius is stacking the 20’s from the Kooky Kiwi Vaper Vibes sold to the janitor???? It’s alright, Gil, I’m only dying.

I read something off some ridiculous site that says the Cargill family owns all our food products. I don’t know if this is somebody’s idea of a sick joke or they have been snorting one Lemon Lunker too many but

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket To Scale Back Cargill Meat Products For Future Bucket Burger Output!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The Bucket spokesperson: “Our buyers brokered this exciting deal from a Serbia meat outlet. Our customers should not experience any discrepancy in quality and we were able to cut costs and still clear duties at the Customs Office.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office one day with Tori Amos’ “Bells for Her” playing out of her Milford Sound Sensation 1912 Stereo System

“Dr. Pearl, do you have your Zippo lighter handy? I have to take a Vape Break pronto.”

“Check in the faculty lounge, Gil, next to the Mr. Coffee.”

How do we know those are are denominations in the (as an example) the ‘50’s? This whole borderline legal transactional endeavor would the best laid plans of mice and Gil if those stacks on the table were all one dollar bills. Selling World’s Finest Vapes for a George? Safe to say, they weren’t selling to soccer moms like the one that rebuffed them in the Milford IGA parking lot. Like they’d have a table set up at Milford Moose Lodge when the latter is having Silent Auction in its auditorium. Did they have to wear moose horns when Tobe was pushing Milford Herbal Farm Banana Bob’s Beastly Vape on to a 20-year member? Or how about Milford Lions Club? No, selling Milford Herbal Farms Maniac Mango Vape Delight and donating Heehaw’s bifocals for some third grader at Milford Elementary isn’t really cutting it for a story although with these plots running around like mice, well, there’s no rules in war.

And are those medicine bottles in the front. They drink Robitussin when selling Vape? That’s stretching it for social drinking, let me tell you. One more Rexall Antiseptic Mouthwash for the road. Sales are shooting through the roof even as I text. C’mon, Darrius, one more snort of Claritin before we count the next stack, you only go around once in life. Did they need a bottle opener for Listerine Mint?

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coffee Cantina Rejects Latest Buyout Offer From Cargill Foods, International!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coffee Cantina owner: ‘I wasn’t about to give the secret recipes for the scones or banana bread or the caramel lattes. And the espresso machine was not for sale.”

If ya agree ta pay fer 500 sticks uv vape if Toby and Darrius will pay fer the hunting license at Milford Outdoor Shoppe when the fees are due next week cuz ya got shorted on yore paycheck at Milford Foundry, ya might be a redneck.

Again, I’m not totally in tune with the legality of selling vape sticks but I’m not sure that if I were a high school student, be it Milford, Riverdale, Hickory Huskers, etc., that I’d be wanting to tell Dr. Pearl we are peddling them in the cafeteria at lunch time. I almost have to believe selling ANY kind of tobacco on school grounds is opening myself for a peck of trouble and the subsequent disciplinary measures thereafter. Possible grounds for expulsion, in other words. Except maybe for Keri who cold-cocked another student and got off with a slap-wrist when Mike Knappe got expelled for an implement he applies Jif on Wonder Bread with. Amazing what happens when Gil stands tall against injustice until it’s his own flesh and blood. Then he’s just as bad as those parents who blame the system when their kid is in trouble for going postal.

The Flagpole Incident preceding is a prime example. Oh no, Dr. Pearl, that’s not vape, it’s 24 degrees outside. But I do have some with my butter knives in my knapsack. Want some? I’m running a special. I understand we should have gotten everybody to sign the waiver form first. I won’t sell an ounce until I get the forms from Milford Printers. Does your husband need some? I heard a rumor that his cigars got pilfered and his nicotine fits are raging worse than Keri’s hormones for Pedro. We hope to sell $400 by the end of the month. It’ll pay for new uniforms.

Are those Lucky Strikes you’re smoking, Dr. Pearl? That explains the brown teeth.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Lounge-Cargill Foods Negotiations Break Down!!!!!!!!! No Date Set For Future Dialogue!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Beth the Bartender will not transfer to the kitchen to prep chickens, that’s not up for discussion.”

Darrius is missing the point in P2. Granted, selling vapes, drugs, cigarettes, booze, Rexall Antiseptic Mouthwash in the boys room at Milford high is not a smart idea but selling them at Yellowstone is not entirely wise either. Sure, Gil and family might not show or the low probability thereof, but WHAT IF HE DOES???? Any possibility is a possibility, no matter how low. Gil might actually take charge and run you off the team the way Coach Knight did when the same thing occurred; and BTW, Coach Knight did indeed run them off. The point is, Whether you are pushing that stuff at the top of the Golden Gate Bridge or in a Kansas wheat field, you are still pushing the envelope of legality, Darrius. And WHO CARES if they don’t have any flavor!!!! Like that’s going to stop Gil from pulling a Coach Knight when he catches you selling Generic Vapes in the Badlands.

Oh yeah, I forgot, you card everybody to cover your derrière. What are you going to do, ask for ID from Joe Tourist in The Everglades? Indeed, I’m sure glad I checked for ID when that old man in a wheelchair was catching the sights on top of the Empire State Building. I’ve seen them come out of the elevator as Elmo from the Dagwood comic strip. You can never be too careful. I had to card Ziggy once because he looked to much the Rex Morgan children.

Darrius and Tobias, stick to chocolate.

Late Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Stands United With The Concession Stand Workers Against Latest Proposal!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“No way are we changing the stadium name to Cargill Family Arena, we don’t care how much they’re willing to pay to put their name on the popcorn boxes.”

Oh, brilliant. Don the same apparel that Dagwood’s sleazy cook wears just so you hope Joe Friday and Bill Gannon don’t come snooping around, nice going. Just don’t screw up that order of Bucket Chili and Buffalo Fries and nobody will notice that you are passing Diet Cherry Vipes under the table to Mr. Dr. Pearl. What did you tell the manager when he or she asked why do you want a job? Oh, I’ve always wanted a career in Bucket Cuisine and I thought one day I could move up to Lead Bucket Culinary Manager. Lots of room for advancement, I understand. Play your cards right and hide the Blueberry Vipe sticks behind the dumpster and one day I could even make an appearance on The Chopping Block. But first things first. Cook that Bucket Clam Chowder at just the right temperature and don’t spill the Orangeade Vape Sticks into the mixture. You might get Joe suspicious.

“Oh no, Mr. Friday, that’s just Orange Julius Raid. We’ve had a bevy of roaches in the Bucket Banana Split lately.”

This will be the worst sting operation should it ever come to the surface. We have lots of algae to strip away first, er, plots to negotiate through.

“We’ll return to see if Cargill Foods paid the closing costs on Gil’s house after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

“Here’s your order of Bucket o’ Spaghetti, Mrs. Flukegate. And your Bucket Breadsticks will be here in a moment.”

“Oh thank you, young man, uh CHOKE SPUTTER FART BLATTTT SPIT BELCH BURPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oh crap, so THAT’S where the Lucky Strike Filterless Vape Sticks went. I knew I dropped them somewhere.”

“QUICK!!!!!!!!! CALL THE SHARK!!!!!!!!!! Then call an ambulance.”

“My client had no business getting subjected to a careless teenager who was selling Vape sticks by the Girl Scout cookie stand. Lucky Strikes and Samoas don’t mix. And when he forgot to put them in the cooler and they wandered in the noodles when this punk was straining the spaghetti, Mrs. Flannery Flukegate unnecessarily exposed her intestines and the rest of her gastrointestinal apparatus to these Vipers of Vitality, she had to endure 18 hours of emergency open heart surgery at Milford General and then brace herself to several weeks of rehab workouts. Seeing her on an exercise bike with 57 tubes all in her mouth, ears, eyes, gluteus maximus, navel, vena cava, lower atrial valve, cochlea, retinal nerves, nasal cavities, and instep was more than I could handle. I couldn’t eat that Underwood Deviled Ham my wife made for lunch.“

“Mr. Sharkey’s legal research team found some shocking facts. They discovered that The Bucket manager had some Vape sticks in his office because the cigarette machine was out of order. And that Dr. Pearl had been taking kickbacks from The Bucket bellhop when the order came out to Pearl’s car to augment the school coffers. They later found the Low Caffeine Vape sticks in the onion rings. She’ll be doing a ton of community service for at least three years or pay a bond issue, whichever comes first. I received $569,000,000 for compensation. Thank you, Mr. Shark!!!!!!!!”

“You heard the lady. What are you waiting for? If you turn up Muriel Cigars in your Popeye Spinach cans, call Joe Sharkey and Associates today. The Shark will make the insurance companies pay for dipping Bel-Air into the Great Value French Onion Dip. Please note that an attorney assistant that recently graduated from Milford Community College summa cum laude but has yet to pass the bar but will when he works one more summer job as a lifeguard to pay the test fee may work your case. With 34,621 filings, a little help from my friends never hurts. Call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. One call, that’s all.”

Oh look, Gang, is that a Salem Menthol sticking out of the Bucket Chicken Cacciatore? Oh wait, that’s a toothpick in the middle. My bad.

God bless you anyway.

Supplementary to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Mayor Says No!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Street by Milford Elementary will not be renamed Avenue of the Cargills.”

At Milford Lounge

“Beth, there’s a Vape in my soup.”

“I’ll go talk to the manager.”

I Thought Gil’s Tongue Was Frozen To The Flagpole Again

Check it out. Gil, Dr. Pearl and Coach Cami all have flag duty. Maybe Gil and Cami have flag duty and Dr. Pearl supervises all flag duty? At any rate, all are assembled by the flagpole to discuss the dire fiscal situation which has been hanging over the basketball season.

Coach Cami has a plan to raise money by having sponsors pledge money to have student athletes lift stuff. Like any stuff? Like here’s ten dollars, can you lift this economy sized bag of kitty litter into the back of my Pacer? I suppose what Cami has in mind is something more organized, but the odds are we’ll never really get the fleshed-out scheme fully explained, but we will see lifting. Maybe they’ll raise enough money to pay the legal fees when this vaping thing blows up in their faces. Ever mindful Dr. Pearl wants waivers signed. She’s got enough process servers hanging around outside her office as it is.

Isn’t panel three a thing of beauty? Canada geese flying over Old Glory while Dr. Pearl angles for minimal legal liability for the latest hairbrained scheme to endanger the students.

Gil, would that be your starting pitcher?

Lots to get to as usual so lets get it on….this strip is resembling water in a toilet bowl swirling down after a flush…lets count all the mistakes shall we?

P1- I know of no basketball announcer who uses full names during the action. Especially a name like that! And whats the big ass deal about 6 rebounds?? Get to 20 and then we’re talking.. and the ceiling looks to be a foot above the rim… the ball could almost be stuck on the beam just above Atazhoons hands. The defender should have his hands up and his eyes open. Error total : 5

P2 – Nice to applaud your team after a win but isnt that the fans job?? Are the coaches watching the game or coaching it? Fellas are older people, not high school kids… and the winning score should be listed on top in a strip; this isnt a TV broadcast where the home team is shown on the bottom. Gil also looks like he’s attending a wedding, not coaching a basketball game. That suit looks like it came from Just For Men. Error total: 3

P3 – Yes Gil I know its a play on words, but geez, you just had a blind person on your fucking baseball team last year and you decided he could safely pitch. Hope he wasnt in earshot of that remark. And YOU DONT GIVE OUT GAME BALLS IN BASKETBALL. I HOPE YOU’RE IN EARSHOT OF THAT, DOPE! At least Leo was humble enough to admit he wasnt the whole reason they won. Good boy. Error total: 2

That makes a grand total of 9 errors in one 3-panel strip. If that wasnt a shitfest one doesnt exist.

Our song today is by someone who fits what Gil was referring to.

“Hello, Rex? I’m Still At The Game. Leo Just Botched The Kickout. Just Stick The Totino’s In The Microwave And Set It For Five Minutes.”

I don’t know who’s doing more piddling around, Rex or Gil, but if this was the Kentucky Derby, we’d have to go to the photo to see who won as both are getting pretty absurd in the plot development category. I have read Gasoline Alley forever and many times it centers around these two ragamuffins, Rufus and Joel, who many times make Rocket Science out of projects that Bob Vila could complete in 15 minutes blindfolded. That’s pretty much the case in Glenwood and Milford.

Rex Morgan first. June, his wife (no relation to The Jetsons’ “Jane, his wife!!!!!) , has been grocery shopping and, all righty then, some senior citizen slipped and fell on the ice in the grocery store parking lot and June is there to pick him him up with the help of this codger’s wife. No broken bones, no bleeding, no harm, no foul. I’m fine, Mrs. Morgan. Get your ass on to shopping so your kids don’t burn down the house. So June goes rolling merrily along and is torn between Hamburger Helper Beef Stroganoff and Hamburger Helper Wild-Caught Tuna Helper Off The Coast Of Acadia National Park when another doyen is practically puking in the aisle because his blood sugar is down. Well, you know the Morgans, they may move like a snail to reach the climax in the story but June isn’t about to tell him that she has to get the Red Baron Pepperoni out of the microwave before it gets cold. Therefore, she fixes him up and gives him great advice (Two 3 Musketeer Bars and call Rex in the morning) and sends him off to the Reduced For Markdown section where Milford IGA is trying to sell off the excess gala apples. Okay, the world is safe for Democracy even after Russia tried to invade Glenwood twice but June and the Glenwood militia shot down both Goodyear blimps and order was restored. Plus, she got the tenderloins that had been out for two weeks because of the grocery workers strike.

But noooooooooo, the Morgan kids are revolting, declaring “Off with her head!!!!!!” and are going to nuke their own Lean Cuisine Meat Loaf and Mashed Potatoes Hungry Man Edition, thank you, and you’d think the plotline gods would answer the charges in that regard. You think that and I have plenty of property in Glenwood that makes great atmosphere for deer hunting, cheap, I might add. Nope, June encounters some jerk who’s speeding on the icy roads and then rams into a woman who had her dog in the back, going by the name Petey. So we’re in neutral once again while we watch Leo Atazhoon make a fool out of himself in some basketball action. Keep the crock pot on “simmer”, Rex, we’re going to overtime.

June is watching another travesty unfold but thankfully not in her backyard and I don’t mean with Mimi and Country Tyme Lemonade. If I’m getting the number system correctly, 4 is a power forward, apropos for Leo who has a high school build at that position. Rod, whose name has yet to be revealed (Rod Nameless? Rod Anonymous? I’ll check the Milford Phone Directory in a few minutes) unless I might have missed somebody and Thorpiversed the list, is 3 or 1 and usually 1 is the point guard and 3 is the small forward. It’s not above the small forward to launch the trey and a point guard shoots when the defense is packed tighter than June’s tunaburger lunch so I can see Rod in either scenario. I don’t really think he’s at 2 where Gil has the shooting guard well away from the top of the key and scratching his derrière while Rod and Leo exchange assists with each other. Yeah, 2 guard, just stand right there close as you can to the scorer’s table and picking your nose, I want to deke Bradley out of their Crayola uniforms.

And, okay Coach, you’re trying to play inside-outside, basically the trademark of the Triangle offense and with Rod and Leo sharing the rock, no one will gripe and complain because everyone is sharing the wealth. But where the heck is 5 (normally the center) ???? Maybe Gil’s (or Coach Ochoa’s) hand is covering him but what is he doing way over by the weak side? What’s he going to do, streak on the runway for an easy alley oop if the defense isn’t paying attention or the 2 guard is getting too bored to care? Shoot a 15-footer at a 45 degree angle and pray it goes in after the Rod-Leo Connection failed to connect the dots? Is 5 even on the play board AT ALL???? What’s he doing, scratching his butt on the goal supports to serve as a decoy? He took a bathroom break? That’s not in the contract, Coach. Smooching with Amelia to put a damper on her heartbreak? Screaming nicknames with Vic “I’m not in the diagram either” Doucette?

And did you see the goal? My goodness, you could hold a Jehovah’s Witness convention between that and the end line. The goal is normally, going by high school dimensions, about seven feet from the end line. It might as well be 700 on Gil’s chart. Was Gil using a play board that went Metric? Maybe the 5 is disguised as a member so that all eyes are on him so Leo can jam when no one’s looking. The 2 guard is too far away, he’s buttering up Homer the Referee when he’s doing the 5 count on player possession. Coach, why don’t you go ahead and put Amelia and her snack wagon in front of the 2 guard? Set a screen in case defense is overplaying so that 2 can slash to the basket. You know, beat the overload on the Triangle? Or Rhombus?

Gang, I am a Sudoku and crossword fanatic and I noticed a clue today that was pretty ridiculously obvious when you stop and think about it. The clue was “One of the Three Stooges”. Now if the answer is five letters, it’s a toss-up between Larry and Curly. But what if the answer is three letters? What else could there be besides Moe? Maybe Gil? Or Kaz?

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Melvin Snerdly Wins Milford Enquirer 28th Annual Jumbo Crossword Extravaganza In A Contest Down To The Wire!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O. J.: ‘Man, that dude beat me on ‘Strait west of Alaska’ and I forgot Bering has no A in it.’”

At a phone booth right outside Milford’s gym

“Honey, they’re in triple overtime but it should end soon. Three players from both teams have fouled out. I should be home in time to get dinner started. Set the oven to preset.”

“I hope so, June. We’re on our 5th can of Spam. Thank Gil we have 300 cases in the pantry downstairs in the basement.”

“Oh, I heard the buzzer!!!!!!! Gotta go!!!!!!!!”

What is it with everybody answering in unison???? Sure there’s no “I” in the word TEAM but there isn’t one in CULT either. They mindlessly answer the coach in a numb tone? And as long as zombies are playing for the Mudlarks, where’d the fifth zombie go? Or are we playing 4-on-4 due to budget cutbacks? No wonder why you don’t see the 5 in the diagram. Or if Gil is hiding him, it’s because he doesn’t want any School Board member to know Gil squeezed a fifth because he took out a loan at Milford Federal. The plotlines are not only chameleon and inconsistent but they’re confusing as well. A play that only involves four players and the Milford Munchkins answering in unison while 5 ran off with the spoon and the Mock Turtle took the place of Vic “I ran off with one of Luke Loser’s VT Girls Basketball players” Doucette as PA announcer and the Mad Hatter took Ericka’s place as Mimi’s swing coach? What will they think of next? Oh God, I let the horse leave the barn.

Lou Henson was a popular men’s college basketball coach with stops at New Mexico State (his alma mater, FYI) and Illinois who had a brilliant basketball mind and was an excellent motivator. The negative on him was he was not a very good disciplinarian. A good friend of mine that served as my partner many times as a rec league basketball official had a daughter who was married to Scott Haffner, who played for Illinois. The reason why he transferred?

My friend told me that Henson had the players in a huddle one particular game where he barked out “Okay, guys, this is the play I want to run!!!!!!!” A player shot back “Nah, go to Hell, Coach, we ain’t running that play!!!!!!” Haffner not surprisingly enrolled at another university shortly thereafter.

At Milford gym, late in the game against Valley Tech

“Okay, gentlemen, here’s the play!!!!!!”

“No, go to Hell, Coach, we ain’t running that garbage!!!!!!!!”

“Kaz, do you want to return to that Gutless Gil????”

Speaking of officiating, Thorpiverse, your butt is most clearly sticking out so badly a blind man could see it from clear across the gym. Will you please read the rule book next time before you open your mouth? We already have one blowhard who gets his feet licked on by his assistant. Don’t make two.

T-verse, having been licensed as a high school basketball official and passed the open book high school basketball official’s exam with a grade of 99 but never pursued it seriously because I was coaching my nephew at the time, you are so full of Gil, you’re dripping with Brylcreem. FIRST OFF, a technical does not AT ALL deal with illegal contact such as what Leo (hopefully no relation to Luke) is perpetrating with the schmuck in P2. Technicals deal mainly with unsportsmanlike contact. If you punch Homer the referee, not only will he probably not ever do your 5-game schedule again, you’re suspended for quite some time. But no technical is involved. A flagrant foul more appropriately but there are different procedures for that and I’ll get to that in a minute. But if you shout at Homer the Referee “Where’d you get your license, out of Heehaw’s purse at Milford Adult Center?”, now you have grounds for a technical as it is clearly verbal (99% of technicals fit that category) . The key is unsportsmanlike conduct and the words that ensue. If you say “There’s two basketballs over there, Homer, Coach Ochoa is running Double Back Layup drills again over by where 5 is scratching his butt on the end line”, this is hardly grounds for a technical. But if you say “Have you been smooching Luke’s balls again? His assistant does enough of that, many times without even kneeling”, now Homer has some fodder to blow a T. No leeway in this situation.

Before we go any further, I’m sure Leo might have been sending a message but in P2, it doesn’t appear to be flagrant. I would have called a player-control foul (charging) but again, I’ll get to that in a minute. The point is, Thorpiverse and Marty are raising a stink where there’s no Luke in the building. Homer the Referee can possibly, just possibly call Excessive Swing of the Elbows. Leo Lunkhead again does appear to be sending a message “I’m pretending you’re a Milford Militia trying to interrupt our game in the name of Homeland Security” but all you can do is call charging if there’s contact or a violation if there’s not. That might have changed and it might be an intentional foul now but let me deal with that down the pipe as well. The Excess Swinging rule was obviously meant to protect the defense from getting knocked cold when they’re trying to steal the rock from Herk the Mauler. No sense in being slung in the turnbuckle while trying to take a swipe at the ball.

A Player Control Foul or charging is called when someone on offense, normally the dribbler, gains unfair advantage by plowing into a stationary defensive player who has both feet glued to the floor and has not violated the Vertical Plane (imaginary line drawn vertically straight up from the player’s feet to his head) . That appears to be the case here. In high school rules, assuming this one hasn’t changed since I hung up the whistle, charging is called, no free throws are shot but the offended team gets the ball taken out of bounds nearest the violation and the player is charged with a foul. So when Leo Lunkhead is attempting to make sense of this plot by stampeding into Gil’s office and threatening to run him over with the riding mower he stole out of Gil’s garage if he doesn’t get his plotline ducks in a row, Leo is hit with a charging foul. No free throws are shot but the concession stand worker fills up the riding mower tank with gas because Gil is too damn cheap and the School Board was cutting back anyway. Nearest the violation. Don’t forget.

Here’s where the confusion seems to be at its peak in this crapola of a story so far. If, in the referee’s judgment, contact from one player is excessive and uncalled for, he or she does not call a technical foul. Again, that is only for unsportsmanlike conduct. Homer the Referee would instead call a flagrant foul, indicating that Leo Lugnut went too far when he drove the switchblade in the Bradley player’s sternum. Even if the Bradley dude was unjustified in saying Leo’s mom uses Downy Bath Towels when sponge-bathing Heehaw, it is up to Leo Lugnut to use proper restraint. If he chooses to apply the sleeper hold anyway, a flagrant foul is called, the player (in this case, LL) is ejected from the game, the foul called is awarded to the offending team’s foul totals, two free throws are awarded to the offended team and then awarded the ball, taken out-of-bounds at the half-court line opposite the scorer’s table. Again, it doesn’t appear to be excessive in P2 but dammit, T-verse, you DEFINITELY don’t call a technical if you think it is indeed excessive and unnecessary and also could cause injury. Does the Milford City Police Meter Official cite you for insubordination if you put a bomb in his or her Milford Police Official Vehicle’s trunk and it blows Gil’s confiscated secret photos of him and Beth to smithereens so that six blocks of traffic is cordoned off? Rest my case.

Intentional Foul is called if, in Homer the Referee’s judgement, the foul was deemed deliberate. Much contact leading to fouls are done with the player not intending to get called for the foul. But if the foul is considered deliberate, the referee signals by crossing his arms above his head, the foul called is added to that offending team’s foul totals, two free throws are awarded to the offended team, then the ball is awarded to them at the spot nearest where the intentional foul took place. The purpose was twofold: It stopped silly and unnecessary fouling towards the end of the game when the team behind in the score was desperately trying to foul to stop the clock to have a better chance of overcoming the deficit. Darrius can tackle Pedro when Milford is playing on the gridiron but when Pedro is trying to dribble out the clock, a quarterback sack by Darrius is grounds for an intentional foul. Darrius doing the Sack Dance is definitely grounds for a technical. Dancing like James Brown when he’s soloing on Living in America is excessive celebrating and this is where the Unsportsmanlike Conduct and thereby a technical comes into play. Plus, I’d personally blow a T for Darrius dancing like his pants need D-Con sprayed all over. Anyway, the second purpose was it cut down on injuries. No sense in shoving Tobias into someone’s tuba in the Milford Pep Band just to get the ball back.

One other thing. Excessive swinging penalties have in all likelihood gotten stronger. As I mentioned earlier, it used to be a violation like traveling or double-dribble and the ball was simply turned over to the other team if no contact was involved. But if they have gotten stronger, my guess is they are enforced roughly along intentional foul procedures, depending on that State’s High School Athletic Association policies. If Pedro excessively swings his elbows and knocks Dr. Pearl’s dentures down her duodenum and she is forced for a lifetime to eat Gerber Sliced & Diced Carrots with her Ensure, Pedro is called for an intentional foul and we go from there and Dr. Pearl goes to her dentist for the best deals on Polygrip.

“Nah, go to Hell, I ain’t running that again!!!!!!!”

“Gil, the copier is down and your Homer the Referee Meal Money Reports-2018 didn’t go through. Could you use Ms. Risk’s copier in the press room?”

At the phone booth outside of Milford gym once again

“Rex, they’re in the coin flip now to determine what basketball goal to defend. It should be done in half an hour. Just keep the Bob Evans Spiced Mashed Potatoes on low boil on the stove and have the kids play Fantasy Rugby.”

“Not a problem, Dear. I can’t find the game, I think Mrs. Heehaw took it when she was getting bored at the Adult Center. I’ll keep the kids entertained with Bruce Pandolfini’s Chess Endgame Procedure Puzzles.”

Wait a minute. What happened to Bob Barker? I mean, I know he has, or had, a busy schedule as 111-year-old sexy go-go men on the go usually do but wasn’t he sharing broadcasting duties with Marty Moon???? Did he finally ditch The Price is Right???? Oh (SMACK) Drew Carey is doing the show now. Mr. Barker has more time. T-verse, you not only need a serious refresher (or perhaps an orientation) on High Athletic Association Basketball rules but you don’t have Dandy Don Barker doing co-play-by-play with a man who does broadcasting and snake handling with equal equanimity, then have Dandy Don Barker go walk his bassett hounds. We had two broadcasters for the price of one until you sent Bob Barker back to “Truth or Consequences”. And to think, Marty could show Barker the ropes, such as How To Undermine Coach Thorp’s Authority by announcing on the air “Calling hit-and-run when you’re down 15-0 in the last inning makes as much sense as Coach Kim hosting The Price is Right (Luke Lunkhead!!!!!!!! Come on down!!!!!! You’re the next contestant on The Price…) “ or “Mimi could coach croquet better than you coach basketball”. Marty could show Bob Barker where he stashes his Jack Daniels, many places created during Prohibition. Just open that hatch under your seat, Bob, and watch out for the G-men. Marty could show Bob Barker how to shove Marjie Ducey out of the way for an interview. Just have the kids do Double Basketball Layup Drills when Marjie gets out of her Volkswagen Jetta. Pretend like the goal is her note pad. Shoot, nobody will notice, Bob. Gil always goes “First come, first served”. He doesn’t care that you slam-dunked your ethics down the Milford Star editor’s throat.

But at this point, Marty appears to be going it alone. Geez, no wonder why he’s confused on the Technical Foul Rule. Bob Barker isn’t there to go buy a rule book at halftime.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Georgianna Gruffcorn Declared Winner At Milford Enquirer 28th Annual Jumbo Crossword Extravaganza In A Sudden Death Showdown!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“She answered correctly the four-letter clue ‘Great at imitating but never achieving’ with ‘Mimi’ when her opponent answered ‘Mime’.”

In P3, it appears that Leo Lugnut has cooled down enough to curtail his elbow-free-for-all but he’s not exiting the strip without getting his last licks, and I don’t mean the ones he borrowed from Coach Kim. These licks are above the belt. And I’ll admit Leo needs to cool down even though he really shouldn’t have been slapped with a T (see above) .

What’s funny now (depending on your interpretation of “funny”) is Leo’s teammates utters a comment that doesn’t even fall into Foghorn Leghorn territory. It’s a funny but makes absolutely no sense. Did he mean that they’d be intimate at the dinner table with candles shining on the dinner Rex and the kids left in the oven? Okay, in principle, I can see the analogy but in reality recreating a scene only Amelia and Ericka could appreciate only substituting Leo and the Bradley defender with wine flowing from the heavens is like trying to imagine Coach Kim with no one to brown-nose, above or below. With Henry Mancini’s “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” softly emanating from the Close ‘n’ Play? Hey, I say, hey, I just told another funny.

“Leo Atazhoon’ is ejected from the game, Bradley will shoot two free throws in a moment but an officials Time out has been called to sweep the Cracker Jack, prize included, off the floor. Let’s take a time out of our own with the score, Milford, 45, Bradley, 39. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

At Homer the Referee’s house in a nice subdivision of Milford at 11:05PM after a triple OT thriller at Milford gym

“Homerette, don’t waste my time. I don’t want to throw you out of the building either like I had to with Luke Lunkhead so let’s get down to business!!!!!! You’re about to feel the power I had to have that loser escorted out by the Pinkertons!!!!!!!!”

“Oh, Homer, I love it when you talk dirty. Let me get ejected-uh, I think YOU’RE the one that needs to get shown the door by Milford High School Loss Prevention.”

“Honey, I went to that Get Hard On Your Person As Strongly As You Do On Coach Thorp In Conference Tournaments Seminar sponsored by the Valley Conference Board of Basketball Officials. The clinician there gave me some medication that’s similar to NyQuil. Now, I’m more rigid than my whistle and I sleep better. I just have to be careful when I turn over in bed. It’s worse than being on a teeter-totter.”

“Homer, if you ref’d like you had sex, it’d be like Barney the Dinosaur blowing a T on Coach Kim. I’d hate to see what your whistle would look like. I’m envisioning breathing through a kazoo that failed the acid test. If you can’t bring it on, go be a Domino’s driver that delivers soft breadsticks to Dr. Morgan’s kids.”

“Listen here, Darling, the clinic gave a free Heimlich maneuver procedure where if you bend over, somebody from behind grabbed you by the waist and jerked it convulsively towards your navel. It was designed to produce a jolt in your bloodstream to unclog those arteries hindering free flow and a monster that could do serious damage. And you know what? I’m harder than Bob Knight on Tom Rucker.”

“Unless Godzilla grabbed your waist, you don’t look anymore erect than the Empire State Building on a Lionel train layout. And Tom Rucker could hold off Coach Knight because he had backbone in more places than just his back. Maybe Vap-o-Rub might get on the road to recovery.”

“I tell you what, you’re going to take my rigid Polski Wyrob and like it!!!!!!!! We were in the Meditative Techniques To Enrich Sexual Enhancement and they played Enya’s “Sail Away” 143 times. I seconded the motion for the Seminar to return next year to the Milford Moose Lodge Fellowship Hall because I was hornier than a Gila monster that avoided the semi at Route 66 In Arizona. I had to turn sideways to exit, I was that frigid, er, rigid.”

“I think a Gila monster or a Komodo dragon has been chewing on your person because neither couldn’t find any chickadees to dine on. I’m more worried that more will get ejected from the Valentines Day Holiday Tournament than from your garden hose. Do yourself a favor and stop by Milford Men’s Clinic after that freshman game you’re scheduled to do this Tuesday.”

“I’ll show you who’s the dragon around here-“

PLOP!!!!!!!!

“What’s this piece of paper? Hmmmmm, it’s a note from that clinician. He asked if those tea leaves he prescribed along with a can of Sprite is getting you results?”

Silence

“Well?”

“She was right. Lipton Tea wasn’t going to get me any harder than castor oil. I had to face the facts, if I couldn’t face my lack of masculinity, how could I face Gil or Luke? Whistle-blowing would have been a formality. I hustled right down to Milford Men’s Clinic to get my sex life straightened out. Best call I ever made other than when I told Norman Dale to hit the showers. With the EREC-3521 For Referees Only medications that I take twice a day after I gulp down my Ultra Slim-Fast, Gil may still challenge my manhood, but my wife doesn’t. I throw her out of the game every night and it is fun to point her to the exits under the sheets. Come get your own manhood under control and get a grade of 100 on the open book exam. Only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, I keep telling you, that is not a Correctable Error in P2. This whole plot’s an error and it’s far from correctable.

But God bless you, Gang.

“Rex, Gil is down to two players so he can still play. I’ll be home to check the crock pot in 45 minutes.”

“Take your time, June. We’re still trying to find all the Jenga pieces. I think one flew in the bird cage.”

Is Keri Thorp Gonna Have to Choke a… ?

Oh look, Dorothy’s trolling Keri again. Is Dorothy looking to get her !&% beat again, or just get Keri suspended/expelled/banished to Valley Mod? Either way, she’s not afraid of Keri’s banana finger when it’s not clad in brass knuckles rings.

Dorothy’s jab doesn’t make sense at first; she seems to think choking isn’t the same as fighting. She does think Gil is good at choking, though. Kinda nice to see that the Milford student body recognizes that their teams don’t come through in the big games. Coaches often hold sacrosanct positions on high school faculties and in the community, but when their teams underperform, the players can’t always be the scapegoats.

Oh, wait. Dorothy might mean that GilPa is good at, you know, actual physical choking. Dorothy and Gil might have something going on like Cousin Vicki and her daddy.

Homey Don’t Play This.

“SPIRIT day???? You think you can make Homey wear PJ’s that’d make an elephant roll over in the circus convulsing with laughter just so we can show The Man that we is gonna make a fool out of ourselves at a basketball game, IF they ever show one again????”

WHAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I don’t think so, Gilberto. Homey don’t play that.”

“Would you be willing to tear tickets at one of our gates?”

WHAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I don’t think so. What you takin’ me for, one o’ yo’ substitute teachers cuz the regular teacher called in? Homey ain’t playin’ that either.”

Gang, when I saw those PJ’s today, I IMMEDIATELY thought of the acerbic wit that used to grace In Living Color, none other than the incomparable Homey the Clown. I have always looked for opportunities to display him to the public eye because of his acid take on things and what better way to slay, or WHAP!!!!!!, the Gil than inviting Homey to enter the scene. Kick back and let ol’ Homey do his thing. Don’t worry, he will.

And being a Christian, I do everything to respect other religions. Who knows, maybe one day they might want to know mine. That said, the lady wearing the head covering is dressed in about as ridiculous of a Homey the Clown garb as Allah or God will ever know or even create (God or Allah forbid) . In fact, Las Tres Amigas in their “School Spirit” attire reminds me of when Elviney used to tell Loweezy or Loweezy used to tell Elviney “You should have seen ol’ Coach Thorp with those 1927 New York Yankees Lou Gehrig Commemorative PJ’s. It was enough to make a dog laugh!!!!!” Oh, we’re laughing all right, no problem there. Barney Google at PJ Day to support Milford? I don’t think Calvin Klein is in his future, PJ’s or otherwise.

Are those REALLY PJ’s that the second girl is wearing? She could pass as a hostess at a Red Lobster Restaurant. Or the latte server at Coffee Cantina. It’s hard enough having to sustain our sanity in this Jukebox Selection of Plots but if we’re going to look at anyone wearing PJ’s, can we still stay within character? Good God, Keri’s shirt is an item of apparel that she’d wear Any Given Day and her shorts, if you were to lengthen them, could pass for IU Basketball warm-ups on Cancer Awareness Day. Keri dressed as Pat Graham or Grace Berger to express her love for her school? Keri in those candy striped sweats that Kent Benson or Quinn Buckner or Don Noort used to parade around in the layup drills before tipoff? Could you really conceive Herk the Mauler in those togs? I don’t think so. T. Drew don’t play this.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Herk The Mauler Arrested For Indecent Exposure By Milford Police At Milford High School!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Dr. Pearl spokesperson: ‘Dr. Pearl recognizes that pep assemblies are outstanding motivational tools but Herk the Mauler wearing his silk PJ wrestling briefs on stage was a bit inappropriate. The warts and age splotches were prominent, particularly near his crotch and pectorals.”

“You want ME to file these Milford High School Art Supplies Special Emphasis on Crayola Crayons Reports-2016 because you couldn’t call Milford Temp Agency due to phone issues? You think Homey is going to file them while wearing them nasty Don Noort ‘75 IU NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament sweat pants? To upgrade my image that I’m actually a milk-and-cookies fop who just needed some direction? At minimum wage?”

WHAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I don’t think so, Dr. Pearl. Homey don’t play that.”

“Very well, Mr. Homer the Clown. No worries, I’ll pick up my wig off of the floor.”

I chortle at the observation being made in P1. Good in comparison to what? OTHER School Spirit ideas???? I’m very aware that School Spirit Week is all week, not just one day. Heck, when I was in school, elementary or secondary, around Sectionals in Indiana High School Basketball, School Spirit Week ranked along with the Christmas holidays. You wore your school colors or you were a traitor. Everybody got in the act. Great times.

But we’re talking Milford High School here. God only knows what other conceptions that Dr. Pearl and Gilberto have in mind. Scottsdale Golf Sports Shirts Day? And bring your clubs? What better way to display your love of anything Mudlark than to wear reminders that Mimi has ditched the school temporarily (like we wish we could ditch this jukebox of plots) to practice her golf game and catch up on the gossip of two lesbians. Man, I’m fired up for Sectionals to start even as I text. Bring Your Favorite Vape Day? Just show security your vape wares and accessories, then stick them immediately back in your knapsack if you don’t want to get detention. Smoking School Spirit is grounds for expulsion. And be sure to empty all your contents, butter knives included, and put them in the salad bowl to run through that scanner on the conveyor belt. You’ll get them on the other side of the scanner. Okay, #2 pencils might sound the alarm but you’ll get them back in time for the Geometry quiz. Dr. Pearl Fun Bun Friday???? Get that old mop head out of the garage behind the whirring meat freezer and wash it in Gain and spray some Febreze Grapefruit Galore on it so you don’t attract the bugs and you’ll be the talk of the class. Like “If she wanted to look like Granny Clampett, why didn’t she hose it down with Pine-Sol? You mean, she got that out of Luhm’s storage bin? Does his scrubbers attract lice too?” Granted, it may not all be positive but you’re taking one for the team. Don’t let student comments restrain you from being true to your school, it’s #1 in the stale, er, state.

WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!! I GOT IT!!!!!!!!

Wear your Denny Miller Used Cars sales help uniform!!!!!! Hey, why not, we can remember a character actor who kept Gilligan’s Island on the map who supplemented his income by vending beat-up Econolines to Ron Howard or Dean Martin. If you saw Phyliss Diller in that ‘87 Buick Regal that was in dire need of Rust-oleum heading to a Milford Girls Basketball contest, you know she didn’t buy it from Milford Scrap, Inc. Look, when in Milford, do as the Mudlarks do. You might as well, plots in Thorpiverse change every day like School Spirit Activity ideas. I’ll be wearing my Denny Miller Tarzan Incarnate sales shirt the next time Vape-pusher Shaggy is in the neighborhood. Is Scooby Doo also peddling these Winston wannabes? Ruh Roh.

“You think I’m going to sign this contract that’s thicker than Euclid’s Elements just so I can fulfill your 5-game dream matches and wear a zebra top instead of expressing my identity against The Man? That we be the Homer and Homey Show? Call all fouls on those stooge teams you splat on the schedule in the last two minutes so you can pull one out cuz yo’ playuhs are too damn slow to even run a 2-on-1 break?”

WHAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I don’t think so. Homey don’t play that.”

“Would you at least sign our contracts for our Donkey Basketball games?”

What in the name of Homey the Mauler does anybody mean with “pandemic learning”? I think most of us know what “pandemic” means and if you don’t know what “learning” means, you deserve a long staid career as a Thorpiverse scriptwriter.

People were wearing PJ’s EVERY DAY in the name of School Spirit???? Thank Heavens to Betsy we didn’t have Wear Your Brightest Birthday Suit Day. EVERY DAY???? Gil saunters the hallways brandishing those tattoos on those ugly cheeks in the name of wiping out COVID-19???? Is this how Onward Christian Soldiers was composed? Dr. Pearl in her ugly prunes for the sake of a Mudlark that in reality is a peacock because somebody was too damn lazy to purchase a bird at Milford Petting Zoo that bore a more striking resemblance? I’m sorry, watching the NBC peacock grace the MHS inner courtyard try to con the whole student body that it’s a Mudlark compels me to encourage this ruffle of feathers to try to simulate a rhino or a Gibraltar monkey. It might seem silly for Prune Chest to show her School Spirit in unusual ways for the sake of a water buffalo but if it effaces The Plague, ask questions later.

Thorpiverse is once again attempting to sound official and is really coming off as Homer the Official. Thank God it wasn’t Homey the Official. There are enough clowns around here to fill a pickup with Mudlarks disguised as peacocks but at least Homey the Official is scoring points. More than the basketball teams, fer sure.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Homer The Official Refuses To Officiate 5-Game Schedule Until Certain Concessions Are Met!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“School Spirit is important but I’ll be hanged if I wear Coach Kaz Trademark Jonny Quest PJ’s to benefit Measles Research. We’re already enough of a target, especially when both teams reach bonus.”

“You think I’m going to lick your boots just to satisfy my parole officer and he be in a better mood to set me up with a landlord that don’t have roaches in his living unit? That me and Coach Kaz are going to be two peas in a pod if I take off my suit when we’re coaching VT games? And wear HIS earrings????”

WHAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I don’t think so. Homey don’t play that.”

“All right, Coach Kim, escort him out the exit. Be sure to check if the alarms are set. We don’t want the guard dogs let loose yet.”

“Yes, Your Excellency.”

Dorothy, come on now, if you’re going to get down and dirty and insult somebody’s School Spirit get-up, I can dig deeper than “sea dog”. I feel like I just got insulted by J. Wellington Wimpy. Oh, that cuts to the bone, Wimpy, did you use that same slur on Olive Oyl? And she returned with “sea burger”? Got it coming, Wimpy, the way you eat as many burgers as plots in one week. Bluto, your mother shaves her legs like you shave your face. Well, that cuts deeper than Keri being called Gil’s hairdresser or Kaz Wellington Wimpy. Thimble Theater will never be the same.

Speaking of Popeye, Sea Hag would be more appropriate. Oh, that’ll get a choke job out of Keri. She might land a spot next to Mike Knappe at Valley Modified but she’s got her pride, you know. Her hair may resemble the Sea Hag’s somewhat even though I do remember the latter with a hood. The point is, Keri may have zits but that’s better than the warts that the Sea Hag was promoting. Oh God, I better cut this short or Sea Hag might be sitting next to Dorothy in the cafeteria for another plot idea. Sea Hag getting on a cafeteria table and bitching about the chow and/or exclaiming that Popeye could coach better than Bluto, Wimpy, and Gil combined is just begging for an aborted Thorpiverse tune to get yanked out of the jukebox.

“YOU WIMPY YOU!!!!!!!!!”

“You’re out of the game, Coach Thorp!!!!!! And get a better team next time!!!!!!”

At least I don’t do choke jobs like my daughter.”

And look who’s talking, Dorothy. The plot calling the storyline “sniveling tripe”. This is one jukebox selection where the quarter got jammed in the slot. You are dressed for the nearest slumber party in a random classroom while your partner is Homey the Clown’s daughter. I don’t think so. Calling everybody “sea hag” while looking like the same crew that helped Herbie make toys or the Keebler Elves make Sandies Classic Shortbread wouldn’t be worth the choke job you’re anticipating. If you’re trying to get Keri over to Valley Modified, do better than saying you mother drives a pickle wagon when your own mom is pulling a rickshaw around Milford.

“And Gil is down for the three count against Herk the Mauler in this Texas Cage Match. Looks like Keri will be living in Herk’s trailer park beginning the next semester. We’ll be back for final comments. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

I just love these ED commercials. Now they got one where if you call in the next two minutes, you’ll get the whole procedure free, a $600 value. Nice to know when someone’s crotch is J.Wellington Wimpy and he couldn’t cash his (I’m pretty sure women don’t suffer from ED. Swelling and itching of hemarhoidal tissues like men, but not ED.) payroll check because Milford IGA front desk was gone for a meal break, he can use his cell phone and get erect before the midnight hour and not have to balance his checkbook. Life is good.

At the Thorp Household one fine afternoon with the Thorp Kiddies watching “Divorce Court.”

Heard in the den with the door locked

“DAGGONE IT!!!!!!!! The procedure is free!!!! I even have the phone statement when I called Firmer and Faster, Inc.!!!!!!!!!! I beat the buzzer!!!!!! I called 10 seconds within the deadline!!!!!!!!!!!!!!You can ask Milford A T & T yourself!!!!!!!!!!”

Mimi is out in the backyard with Coach Ericka, working on her drives, careful to watch out lest any stray balls don’t smash a window or land in somebody’s gutter

“What is that racket?”

“I don’t know, Mimi. It’s hard to pick up but I thought I heard somebody cussing at the phone because he was tired of being called ‘pumpkin wiener’.”

“GIL!!!!!!!! What is his problem NOW!!!! Here, Ericka we’ll putt in the bird bath later. Right now, my husband has lost his drive because he won’t take those EREC-3507 Calcium Enriched Sex God Tablets that I bought with coupon.”

Keri and Jami are done watching “Divorce Court” and Judge Wapner ruled that Tom Bradford can keep the swimming pool he had on layaway but will split everything else with his wife 50/50.

“Mommy, Daddy is threatening the operator. He said that if his second garden hose enhancement isn’t free, that he will take it to Milford Municipal Court for breach of contract.”

“…THAT’S RIGHT!!!!!!!! I signed the contract online after I made the phone call. I agreed to pay for the first one because I had excellent revolving credit and, what’s that? I KNOW my prized possession doesn’t operate like a lathe, I was talking about my Milford Teacher’s Federal Credit Union Debit Card!!!!!!!!!”

“Gil, open this door, you are embarrassing me in front of the kids and my coach.”

“Mimi, there’s going to be Hell to pay if Firmer & Faster, Inc. doesn’t fulfill its end of the contract!!!!!! I can’t conquer you on the Serta mattress if they’re going to pussyfoot this issue. I expect to bone you up one side and down the other without the Milford Collection Agency knocking on our bedroom door. Free is free!!!!!! As in, I don’t pay a nickel after I’ve inflated my garden hose, and I don’t mean with Milford City Water.”

“Mommy, what does he mean when he says I expect to screw in bed, not get the reverse on me?”

“It means if he doesn’t get his butt out here, he’ll be hurting from than a screw up his butt because he’s acting like a jerk. Gil, open this door NOW. Ericka is hiding under Amelia’s Chuck Wagon because she doesn’t know what to think.”

“I’m going to tell the operators that if they don’t get Daddy a free pump job, I’ll send a garden hose of my own to flood their workplace!!!!!!!”

“JAMI!!!!!!!!! BEHAVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!! And put that hose extension down!!!!!!! Gil!!!!!!! I mean it-“

“And the Firmer & Faster warehouse burned down????”

“That did it for me. I learned you get what you pay for. With the EREC-3507 Tablets, I have been hornier and hornier and can enjoy watching Mimi the next day, working on her putting stance, fully cognizant that I conquered the world the night before. Mimi might still send a putt in a gopher hole but Coach Ericka can always widen her shoulders. Amazing how simple golf is when my garden hose is a cornucopia. Come get your own fruit basket today, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.

You think I’m going to wear PJ’s so I look like the ‘70’s Padres? I don’t think so. T. Drew don’t play that.

But God bless you anyway.

At Milford Elementary School, Homey the Clown subbing for one of the 3rd grade teachers

“Okay, kiddies, sing along with me

The Man is bad!!!!!!!”

“THE MAN IS BAD!!!!!!!!”

“The Man’s a cad!!!!!!!!!!”

THE MAN’S A CAD!!!!!!!!!”

“The Man is really that goofy dumbass honky Brylcreem Bozo, Gil Thorp himself, and I ain’t about to kiss his booty, let alone his ring after he sent me to Valley Modified to play on that pizza pickle ball team and his wife couldn’t shoot par with a sawed-off shotgun and Dr. Pearl was once The Man ‘til she got that butt-ugly wig she dug out of Thomas Jefferson’s grave I DON’T HEAR NO SINGIN’ CHILDREN!!!!!!!!”

“THE MAN IS REALLY THAT GOOFY DUMBASS HONKY BRYLCREEM BOZO, GIL THORP HIMSELF, AND I AIN’T ABOUT TO KISS HIS BOOTY, LET ALONE HIS RING AFTER HE SENT ME TO VALLEY MODIFIED TO PLAY ON THE PIZZA PICKLE BALL TEAM AND HIS…”

Falling further off the tracks

We switch from a non-Milford hoops contest to.. teens hanging out like they do in real life. I dunno, maybe Im selling todays kids short, but I must confess I didnt hang out like this when I was in high school. Most days after school I would get home, either by foot or by car, and after putting my books down in my room, I would head outside to shoot hoops in my driveway for a while, when my friend who lived 2 doors down came over we’d play one on one or shoot free throws, or otherwise I would head downstairs to the basement and play video games. Then maybe some TV shows either back upstairs in my room (I got a black and white TV for my confirmation in 7th grade, still remember watching Bucky Dents home run on it) or on the big TV in the basement after video games. Of course my friend would join me for the video games too, or we’d head over to his house to do similar stuff, or play chess or backgammon on the picnic table. Or Id go bike riding if it was nice out, and depending on the time of year, after dinner if it was still daylight I might do a little chipping in the front yard, using the lamppost in the middle of the lawn as my target, and going around the yard for various shot lengths etc. Or sometimes we’d do a little yardwork before dark or cut the grass if it needed it, although most grass cutting was done on Saturdays, like normal people did. I would generally do my homework after dinner, and quit in time for Monday Night Football or some other program I liked, (another show I really liked was Thats Incredible, which was on before MNF and I would stop my work to watch it, then go back to it if not finished, then catch what I could of the football game)

1 year me and dad joined a nearby gym and we got some weights at home and he would lift with me after he got home from work. I put on about 25 pounds in a year and decided to quit the weightlifting as it also entailed drinking this milkshake with bananas in it. No thanks. I just ate more instead. No more gyms after that year, save for a brief stint practicing for an indoor triathlon using the pool at another local gym.

So that was my after- high- school life. Plenty else to do besides what these characters are doing. I never smoked or did what these kids are doing, sitting on the ground against a building and getting offers to vape. Of course vaping is something new entirely and what I know about it, Im not interested. Sounds just as bad as smoking, although the flavors sound better.

Dont know why in P3 the 2 vape guys are walking away as theyre talking.. if its really free just let Sue have it if her hand is out.

Guess ol Henry has to show off his knowledge of vaping for us. Maybe tomorrow we’ll be back in Scottsdale for another golf lesson.

Finally, RIP David Crosby. I wasnt aware he started with the Byrds, and I believe if he stayed with them they’d be one of the alltime great bands instead of just another 60’s group with a funny name. He was an immense talent who made everyone around him better, and his incredible voice will be missed. Here’s a song performed 29 days after I was born:

…….And another on for good measure- he was so youthful you dont recognize him.

Can’t Anybody Do Geometry Problems Around Here?

The “What Plot Have You Done For Me Lately” concept continues as we move in from Gil pitching used cars that otherwise would have been chewed up at Milford Scrap Metals, Inc., with Tommy Chong’s grandson trying to look like the character actor from the ‘60’s, Denny Miller, to The Idiot’s Guide To Geometry as aptly executed by The Return Of The Butthead.

Speaking of Denny Miller, he was in a Gilligan’s Island episode where he was playing Tongo, an obvious takeoff to Tarzan. He played the role to the hilt and it really had the castaways fooled, every one of them thinking this man was Tarzan who had lived in a cave on the island somewhere with the rest of his Cro-Magnon buddies. When they are in shock to discover that Tongo is actually an actor trying to build his character for an upcoming film, they are angry but cautiously angry as Tongo is seen as their way off the island. However, Tongo is so embarrassed by his being caught with his true identity and intentions that he escapes with a helicopter he had hidden in a remote part of the island. Not wanting the press to find out about this fiasco, he flies off while the castaways helplessly plead to be rescued.

Now you’re getting the general idea with Thorpiverse. It’s been acting like a gorilla in the gym and we just put up with it because we’re comforted knowing that Luhm will shovel the gorilla droppings later until we see that gorilla about to escape with his life in a helicopter that was situated by the “Milford Fighting Mudlarks Drum & Bugle Corps” trailer off into another meaningless plot. We just go back in the gym.

And why not? We were so geared up for the grudge match between Milford and Valley Tech, only in a different sport, in this case, basketball, that when we observed Luke shouting Side Angle Side at a basketball game today, we could somewhat reason that Geometry 112 wasn’t transposed to the gym to accommodate a bigger class size. Sure, Luke Butthead, the shortest distance between two lines runs through your head. Imagine that. Shooting free throws at a 180 degree angle will create more clunkers than the facility accommodating gorillas sitting behind Marty Moon. Ability to compute Pythagoreans Theorem will determine the starting lineup. Let know one ignorant of geometry enter Butthead’s doors at his office.

And is this leading to a showdown between Butthead AND MIMI???? With Coach Blowhard (literally) by Butthead’s side? Maybe Coach Kim is the head coach. But you could say the same for Coach Ochoa. Both get their hands soiled and both use the brush to get the commodes sparkling like Rick Scott’s head but Butthead and Gil command the attention. Notice I didn’t say always with positive ramifications. The Skipper running the orangutan off the lagoon so that Milford HS cafeteria can listen to the soapbox speaker in peace while eating Munchos, only to find out Gilligan is the principal doesn’t make for good press. The point is, after slogging through several side shows like the one with Gil hawking Tommy Chong’s Better Days Used Transportation (“the way Mom used to make ‘em out of the oven”) , we were anticipating another showdown BETWEEN GIL AND LUKE. Getting our hopes up and discovering that the IU-Purdue rivalry game was pre-empted in favor of Ohio Valley A & M versus Grand Teton Tech was kinda sorta of a letdown. I’m sure somebody will watch it. Maybe.

Initially, I thought Marty Moon was shouting out the Geometry homework but why in a gym and why single out Mimi. She has a lot on her plate with that 5-game schedule.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Duties Reassigned At Valley Tech In A Corporate Restructuring!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“VT Spokesperson: ‘We feel Coach Kaz is best suited overseeing Boot-Shining Duties. We want Coach Luke going first-class. Coach Kim will remain at his present position as Assistant Coach-Motivational Prep detail. Someone has to keep Coach Luke happy when the students sometimes fail to genuflect in the hallways. We have yet to fill the Hat Refurbisher position but we have interviewed a couple of candidates this week.”

At the Milford-Valley Tech game one Friday night

“Why is Vic Doucette chasing that gorilla around the gym?”

“Oh shoot, did Luke Loser get loose again. They need to change the locks.”

I remember the movie “The Octagon”. I remember one critic’s assessment of it: “If you don’t know what an octagon is, don’t expect to learn it in this movie.” True enough. Chuck Norris plays Scott James, a martial arts whiz (in real life also) trying to break up this terrorist organization, their headquarters in Octagon (BTW, an octagon is an eight-sided figure if you’re hanging on the edge of your seat to learn) , a multifaceted structure that contains these traps and obstacles to prevent anyone from being foolish enough to kill the head honcho of this terrorist organization. Naturally, Joe Hero a/k/a Gil Thorp, er, Chuck Norris a/k/a Scott James manages to slip, slide, jump, pole vault, flip over and through, somersault, leapfrog, blowtop mad all the barriers and slay the Gil.

I don’t believe the sequel is going to be The Rhombus. Defined as a parallelogram that has all four sides equal and equal opposite angles, it is hard for me to conceive Luke Loser jumping on these bleacher seats that are separated by alligator-dominated waters, pole-vaulting over those mutant poplars in the back of Gil’s office, leapfrogging over Gregg Hamm’s wayward pitches, flipping through Mimi’s 5-game season, sliding under the cafeteria tables where Pedro and Jami are in a Round Robin D & D Invitational, somersaulting over Dr. Pearl’s file cabinet, cartwheeling with his wife in bed, slipping a 5 to get the corner table at Coffee Cantina, and finally blowtopping the waiter over a dispute with the tip. To slay the Gil? Within the confines of a rhombus?

It’s bad enough that this showdown of this Battle of the Titans has transmogrified into Godzilla Versus Mimi And Her Golf Instructor but I’m in no mood to watch Butthead attempt to negotiate through a series of mazes shaped like a trapezoid, then find out The Minotaur took up residence at that maze in New Harmony. Geez, no wonder why some of the Utopian crowd in that town went back to Pennsylvania.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Valley Tech Athletic Department To Designate Lockers Due To Unresolved Scheduling Conflicts!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Kaz: ‘No way do I want a locker near the laundry bin. I can smell Coach Luke’s dirty Athletic supporters through the chimneys.”

“Now just jump over that one. Leap over the dead twigs. Flip over the stream. There you go, now somersault the squirrels…”

Heard somewhere

“Does Gil teach all the 8-year olds to putt this way?”

We get some actual basketball action in P2 but that’s like saying that I love listening to Duke Ellington’s “Live at Newport” CD based upon a thirty-second clip of “Diminuendo and Crescendo in Blue” with Paul Gonsalves’ long-running ELECTRIC solo on sax. And I remember the Newport crowd going absolutely bananas on the solo and you can hear the frenzy pervade, prompting Duke to say “Oh, we got more, we got more.” He obviously skipped today’s strip when he announced that.

I’m not really sure what rhombus has to do with the VT girl palming the beach ball into the hoop, especially when the free throw area is rectangular in form. I remember the triangle offense and I claim no superior knowledge to it but if I had to make a stab, your star center (Shaq, for example) and star guard (Kobe, for example) and perhaps a good small forward (James Worthy comes to mind) form a triangle which is kinda sorta the idea. You can maybe guard one of them but you can’t guard all three, especially when they’re forming a triangle spread out on the floor. These three are bound to get their touches with the ball, sooner or later, which is the idea. The bitching stops. Nobody gets accused of hogging the ball. And with the remaining two players who couldn’t care less, they just want to be out on the floor and not on the bench, that just sealed Phil Jackson’s philosophy. People get their points at the end of the night and a ring at the end of the season. Jackson was a genius.

So let’s see if we can dissect Coach Butthead’s and Coach Bootlicker’s playbook. If the other team has been drinking or their coach has never seen a rhombus before, you can station four VT ladies in the shape of a rhombus starting from the free throw line extended down just in front of the backboard. The remaining fifth player is by the top of the key as a safety valve. Don’t stick this person by the half court line or the errant pass from the baseline might land in Coach Butthead’s Diet Coke cup. Pass the ball 1,549,032 times until the other team gets bored watching the ball on a patented rhombus pathway that has been traveled by many a Greyhound bus said number of times. VT has them where they want them. This works better than a four corner stall because you make risky cross court passes in the four corner, a real plot foot-shooter, no question. Why make a genius like Luke Butthead appear as if he got his playbook from the Charmin he does his personal wiping with in his water closet? And you can run out the clock this way because nobody is going to foul when they have to pursue The Flight of the Parallelogram just to send a VT to the line for a double bonus. All that work proving that corresponding angles of a triangle or rhombus are congruent only to see a VT shooter swish two from the charity stripe with the clock stopped? The West Union crowd will shout out “Let them dunk on an alley-oop already, for criminy sake, we gotta go to work tomorrow!!!!!” You’re a genius, Butthead.

Why back a person down in the paint? Not necessary. The other team will be so exhausted from this exercise in geometry futility that VT can score with the OTHER TEAM stopped, not just the clock. And make sure your fifth player can bomb from long range. A rhombus with no Steve Kerr? It’s like Joe Schlabotnik engineering the Triangle on an Ouija board hoping John Mengelt gets his share of touches. How can Butthead be a genius without his compass and straightedge, especially when he can buy them at a discount at Milford Apothecary forty-five minutes before game time? They were still in the bargain bin with the BOGO Kit Kat’s last time I checked, genius.

Rob is going to kill me, Rob is going to kill me…

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kaz Consults With His Agent Before Signing Finalized Contract As Assistant At Valley Tech!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“My agent just wanted to make sure Coach Luke didn’t pull a fast one and assign me Assistant Supervisor for Study Hall.”

Ooooookkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back and he won’t be one of Coach Butthead’s assistants as far as I know. Comforted and will sleep better with that tidbit in the back of my head

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought that Coach Kaz licking _____________ would help boost his pay at Valley Tech during the signing period.

Then there’s Coach Kim. As Mopman mentioned, it’s possible that he’s the head coach. But since when did that stop ol’ Genius If He’s A Billy Goat from infringing on Coach Kim’s space and shouting out the plays? You call the next defensive set, Billy, I need to take a leak anyway. Oh, didn’t I apply enough Kiwi Shoe Polish to your penny loafers? Oops, my bad. I applied burgundy when you’re clearly wearing black. I’ll get some at the store at halftime. You can give the halftime speech, O Holy Goat.

P2 is simply a travesty of justice because Coach Kim might as well refer to the coach you ride in when you’re hopping on the Greyhound to Oakwood because he sure as Hell isn’t Coach, as in Coach Knight. He might be Head Floorlicker because nobody sucks up better to Horrible Hat Martinez than he does; heck, he’s really not even an assistant coach. Coach Kaz was an assistant because he wasn’t afraid to tell Gil where to stick it. Coach Floorlicker doesn’t even dare to challenge Homer the Referee even when his kid goal tends when they’re playing Nerfhoops. We have to stomach this the next couple of months? Coach Kim’s tongue will be in a cast if he keeps adulating at the speed of sound over that period of time. God help him. And his tongue.

“You get the towels ready, I’ll tell the girls it’s game time. Are the refs here yet?”

“I saw them walking through the door just now, Your Majesty.”

Evening Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kim To Add Assistant Coach In Continual Reshuffling Of Duties!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I wouldn’t dare stand up to His Holiness but I feel Coach Kaz can work with the girls on free throw shooting. And Coach O.J. will help with rebound assignments. Both will be supervise laundry preparation.”

P3 really recaps what we have seen many times before. Coach Kim, if he is the head coach, isn’t really heading anything here. Okay, say Joy (or so the caption announces) is a future WNBA phenom. Is she going to get there because of anything Coach Kim is saying? Because right now, all I’m seeing is a perpetual lick job that doesn’t appear to be ceasing anytime in this lifetime. Why is Coach Kim along anyway if all he is doing is rubber-stamping anything Goat Breath has to say? Does he not have a life of his own? Maybe I just answered my own question.

Right now, Coach Kim has as much backbone as Dr. Pearl on Peacock Bonfire Pep Rally Night. Don’t ask him to set up the final play when Jimmy Chitwood could swish one through and send everyone home happy. He might get lost if he stands on his own two feet. You’d have to hand him a Rand-McNally Road Atlas if he was forced to proceed from that uneasy stance. Thank God he wasn’t on the Milan bench when the Indians won the ‘54 Championship. Bobby Plump might be a butt-kisser just like Coach Kim if Bobby didn’t hit the Shot Heard ‘Round The World. Thank God that Rhombus play designed to get Plump open worked. It was it the Parallelepiped? I can’t remember off the top of my head.

“And that ends the first quarter with the Valley Tech Fussbudgets, 43, West Union Dumb Rox, 21. Coach Luke Bluster Butt is in rare form, shouting out all 5 food groups in his play-calling and it’s obviously confusing the Dumb Rox who evidently can’t tell a Black Forest ham from black-eyed peas. It’s even more confusing why I’m broadcasting VT games but I go where my paycheck goes. We’ll be back after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.

At Milford High School Chemistry Lab at 4:12AM

“There!!!!!!! This ought to get me erect!!!!!!! I’ll dominate Mimi so much, her head will be swimming in NaOH!!!!!!!!!”

Mimi and the kids finally find Gil, the light standing out in the darkness, the light shining on a picture of the Milford Peacock dining on some termites in the inner court.

“Mommy, there he is. Why is he humping the solution of HCl? Doesn’t he know it’ll eat through his pubic hair?”

“If I don’t eat him alive with my wrath first. GIL!!!!!!! Unlock this door and get your butt home!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!”

“I can’t talk now, Mimi. I was sent this literature encouraging me to shop around for the best Erectile Dysfunction medicine. I gambled a stamp and sent for this catalog. I got some info from this ED Clinic in Hattiesburg, Mississippi in a building that used to be a bar. They had to remove the mirrors for the strip dancers in one of their rooms. Then I received a chemistry set from the Chemical Engineering Department at MIT. I am going to be a man when I swallow this Hydroxlmethanebicarbonate. It’ll be ready anytime after it’s been boiling off the Bunsen burner for 15 minutes. I just have to distill it for a moment and add some sugar cubes. I’ll be harder than an Erlenmeyer flask.”

“Mommy, wouldn’t Benzodiazepinesalkaliethanolboronicneonarsenicialthalliumradicalnitroustricarboxyl fluid work better? Daddy tried his formula and he got a lot of gas. He was on the toilet doing lesson plans for French the whole time he was babysitting us.”

“He won’t have to worry about substitute teaching because I’ll have a substitute husband who will satisfy a lot more because he would take those EREC-6321 Extra Strength No Sudimenofren Tablets like I’ve been telling Daddy to do. Then we wouldn’t to balance equations to have fun under the sheets.”

“Mimi and Keri, it’s like this. When two or three players don’t mesh well because they don’t have the chemistry to win the game, you sit them on the bench and bring in players willing to get along. Do I throw in lithium and lead when I’m trying to boil H2O to heighten my sexual awareness? I’d no more load down my personal possession with beryllium just to get Mimi howling at the moon any more than I’d throw in Dennis the Menace and his pal Joey with the rest of the Milan Indians hoping they’ll set a picket fence for Bobby Plump. You have have the right chemistry if you want to conquer your woman and I don’t mean playing Stratego.”

“Mommy, he’s pouring charcoal into the mortar. Why is he using Coach Luhm’s broom handle to crush it up?”

“Keri, I lost the pestle so I had to do something to crush up the carbon to rub on my person. This is an excellent Vulcanizing process. It’ll be like having sex with a steel-belted radial.”

“At this point, Gil, I’d rather have sex with Dr. Spock.”

“Mommy, I’m going to use some of that Kingsford Charcoal at home and rub all over my wiener and be an Olympic diving board just like Daddy-“

“NO YOU WON’T, JAMI!!!!!!!!!!! Gil, end this-“

BLAMMMMMMMMMMMM

“Oops. I titrated too much lighter fluid.”

“I found out the hard way that there is no substitute for Milford Men’s Clinic. I took those EREC-6321 Extra Strength No Sudomenifren Tablets and the chemistry came alive under the sheets. I didn’t have to use a periodic table to have the time of our lives, not even memorize Lanthanide Series to find my possession. Come straighten out your own chemical imbalance, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, I’m not licking Luke’s hat to be in charge of the concession stand, I don’t care if Luke is offering free M & M’s as a perk. His mouth melts in his hand AND his hat.

But God bless you, Gang.

Leap over here, somersault over there, jump up the ailanthus, flip through Dr. Pearl’s office, watch the file cabinet, sheesh, this plot maneuvering is horrible. No wonder why Chuck Norris turned down Luke’s offer to be his bodyguard…