If the hole is a par 6 then, yeah, six strokes is a par. Yesterday’s strip tries to infer that it’s a par 4, to reinforce that the PRCC boys are cheaters. The MCC pair are the only honest young men on the links. Must be that good ole St. Fabe’s parochial school learnin’ that keeps them honest; it sure ain’t no scorekeeper.
Not the worst high five I’ve seen in P1 but if that’s supposed to be a fist bump in P2 those kids must take a 72 sleeve on their dress shirts.
Yeah, I heard his game is a 3-handicap, perfect for guys who have similar scores, factoring in the Dishonesty Property of Equality, something that appears in every story involving Black and White characters. In fact, next to Never Never Land, just keep an open mind and then suddenly you’ll find…BLACK AND WHITE LAND!!!!!!! Not sure if you’ll find treasure if you stay there. Plenty of discarded dubious golf scores. And Gil is not a wizard nor a true star. But you already knew that. BTW, Gray area characters apply next door to Smidgens.
And this storyline is careening in that direction.
“Man From Glad, these Titleist golf balls are getting stale. I can barely get it 2 feet off the tee.”
“No problem. I have a 16 ounce, zip-lock, mauve Glad Bag in my golf bag, right under my pack of Bel-Airs. Here you are.”
“Gee, thanks, Man From Glad. You’re a swell guy.”
“Thanks, Beaver. Anything to help your scores.”
“Funny you should say that. Our scores really suck. Do you have a disposable container for our 67 and 69 we scored on the Front 9?”
“Not a problem. I have the huge black 18 gallon OdorShield bag w/blue drawstrings and pink polka dots we can put them in. When the Milford Sanitation Company truck drives by #11 to pick up the weeds and $10 Pepsi cans, I’ll just hand it to the flunky jumpin’ off the side of the truck. No mess, no fuss.”
“THANKS, Man From Glad. How can we EVER repay you?”
“Just don’t tell anybody that I’m a refugee from Sao Tome and Principe. How do you think I fooled ’em with my 3-handicap?”
Gang, this plot is SOOOOOOOOOO stupid(HOW STUPID IS IT????????), Gil went to _____________, instead of the Milford Lounge to escape the inanity.
Okay, gang, you watched Match Game. It’s your turn to fill in the ______________.
After 60 years, can they add some color to it? It’s like watching Dick Dastardly and Muttley stuff the scores in their Fruit of the Looms and swear to Wilson and Tony they were shooting birdies with a Swiffer mop the entire Back 9. Suuuurrrrrrreeeee, Muttley, I know you beat Penelope Pitstop at the Milford Putt-Putt last week when you beat her on a nice save for par at the #6 alligator pit. You just swung it right before the ‘gator clamped his jaws shut. Such dexterity. And that was a nice shot you hit that caromed off the bird’s nest in the tulip tree, ricocheted off a canadian geese’s butt banged off the piston of a golf cart whose hood was open clunked Ben Hogan in the shoulder while he was reading a Sears catalog then finally dropped in the cup for birdie. I’ll even ignore that wheezy laugh which usually denoted chicanery because we’re gentlemen and this is a Gentlemen’s Game. You just need to take Contac Night-Time Flu medicine. No problem.
As long as we’re going to get stupid as stupid does, I feel a song in my heart. For all you Classic Rock fans like moi,
Enjoy
This is a story ’bout Sappy Jerk and Aardvark II
Who laid in the club house with nothing better to do
They fudged the scores as if they shot with Arnold Palmer
Here’s what happened when their game was cheaper than Wal-Mart
They headed straight over to the grounds at Pine Crest
Their ethics were similar to a coyote in the Wild West
Wilson and Tony were ready for these losers
Proving after all that beggars can’t be choosers
Sayin’
Go on, take your bogey and run
Go on, take your bogey and run
Scoot, Scoot, Scoot
Go on take your bogey and run
OH SHIT I LIPPED THE CUP
Go on, take your bogey and run
Billy Mack is a certified pro in Texas
You know he knows exactly what the facts is
He ain’t gonna let those two escape fair play
He makes his livin’ forcin’ ’em to play the right way
Sappy Jerk, whoa, whoa, he slipped into the clay
Aardvark II met him at McD’s the very next day
They kept their golf bags, anyway, and they just ran away
They headed to Guam and they’re still cheating today
Singin’
Go on, take your bogey and run
Go on, take your bogey and run
HOOF HOOF HOOF
Go on, take your bogey and run
Go on, take your bogey and run
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah,
Singin’
Go on, take your bogey and boogie…
“We’re here at Milford City Mall where we’re conducting a taste test between Mudlar-K-Cola and Pepsi.”
Coach Shaw, after walking out of Milford Ammo Emporium, samples both. He spits out the second, getting spray all over his wife’s shopping bag.
“MAN, who brewed this bucket of piss?”
The incognito can is revealed.
“PEPSI?????? Brother, we’re just about to go grocery shopping next and we’re buyin’ 2 24-packs of Mudlar-K-Cola. I knew Pepsi had changed over the last few years.”
Next, Generic Fan, seen especially at blowouts of Milford Basketball games, in favor of Milford and not in favor of Milford samples the merchandise. After sampling second choice, the face caves in and reappears as Generic Milford High School Cafeteria Lady
“Jesus, we serve THIS to the students!!! After we microwave it then serve it with pepperoni pizza that’s been under the lamp for 2 days!!!”
When informed that it’s Pepsi, he/she says
“I need to call Milford Vending and tell the trucks to stop delivering Pepsi and bring in 10 canisters of Mudlar-K-Cola.”
Next, Daffy Duck, after walking out of Milford Beauty School, fresh from completing her recertification on Chunky Bracelets,takes a sip
“Oooooooooooooo, this thing’s got cooties. What IS it?”
The culprit is revealed
“YUK!!!!!!!! Somebody doodied in the Pepsi. Thank God I got some change in my purse. There’s a Mudlar-K-Cola machine by the mall entrance.”
Later
“You SURE they weren’t looking when you switched the cans?”
“Of course. It was on old trick I learned from the Amazing Kreskin. Mind over matter.”
But, of course, while the 2 Goofuses are inventing ways to cheat, our 2 Gallants are doing it The Strait Way , the only way to go, at least The Way Thorpiverse prescribed it. So if your Lexus’ front end gets smashed in something fierce at the Milford Wal-Mart, take comfort that Thorpiverse Junior Cadets and higher were trained to leave a note on the windshield, complete with insurance information , how it happened, their lawyer’s phone number, their lawyer’s name, rank, and serial number, information on how to be included in their will, and the urine bag sample to prove they weren’t using drugs. Because Strait is the Gate and Narrow is The Way and few but the Gallants find it. Oh, I forgot Gil and his Merry Men. And Women. They take the back entrance.
So while we’re laughing our A’s off watching these losers in P3, observing in amazement that Thorpiverse REALLY thinks we’re this stupid(“Just put pi in the #3 slot, the judges will just round off to 3”), just remember
If ya have trouble addin’ up your bogies becuz yore 3rd grade teacher didn’t get past 10 in her Lesson Plan this week, ya might be a redneck.
“And Wilson and Tony are just 1 stroke behind Sappy Jerk and Aardvark II. The Judges are doing an audit of the latter’s scorecard, concerned with how they scored a hole-in-one on a par 5. Sappy insists they used a cannon and used proper aim, able to get in the neighborhood of the hole, using Calculus principles. Even if they prove their case, they still might have trouble usiong a cannon as per the Milford Junior Pro-Am Golf Rules Directory. The judges are still hearing the appeal. Naturally, Coach T is not around to defend our heroes. But that’s par for the course, excuse the pun. While we’re waiting for the final ruling, we’ take a break. You’re listening to Marty Moon on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”
Marty Moon and Peaches board a Cessna for Milford Stunt Flying, Inc.
Josh Sterling, a quarterback deluxe in his day for the Mudlarks, is now a skilled pilot, able to do loop-d-loops, corkscrews, nose-dives, suicide drops, skywriting, messages on signs(“Oakwood sucks-like this plot”), etc.
“Folks, you’re about to have the time of your lives. And as an extra incentive, if you can go through the whole trip without screaming, I will refund half the fee. Remember, not a peep, not even a squeak, and you can put half your money back in the deposit box at the ATM.”
So up they go, Josh in the cockpit, Marty and Peaches putting on their seat belts and the former gets the propellers spinning wildly.
The plane goes here, there, everywhere, not a direction it hasn’t uncovered while enduring enough angles to prove Angle-Side-Angle(“Corresponding part’s of Marty’s goatee are congruent.”).
And not a sound from either one. The plane alights on earth 1/2 hour later. Josh unbuckles his seat belt, his Dirty Harry shades intensifying his pilot image, and comes back to check on them.
“Well, I see you managed to live to tell about it. Just go up to the ticket window and show the cashier the receipt. She’ll cheerfully refund half the deal. Good job, people.”
“Thanks. Peaches, we can eat at that fancy restaurant you’ve been dying to go to. I heard the Marinaded Shrimp Surprise is to die for.”
Marty turns his head after curling up in a ball for the Tornado Drill.
“Peaches?”
“Sir, let me check the baggage rack. Sometimes they sneak in one of the compartments and the latch gets stuck”
Marty and Josh go back to the baggage rack. All the compartments are opened but no sign of Barnabas Collins.
Then Josh notices the escape hatch is wide open.
“And that’s how your sex life will end up if you don’t head to Milford Men’s Clinic. I might have received my refund to apply to my car payment and it’s good to know that I’m only 2 payments behind.
But if Peaches is splatted like a horse fly in somebody’s corn field, there’s no ecstasy when you eat in that restaurant and crack clams all by your lonesome. I might as well go get a crowbar out of that same car. But for what you’d pay for 10 crowbars, the Milford Men’s Clinic can set you straight. You can get all the sex you want. WITHOUT using a crow bar. it’s like cracking clams with cardboard scissors. come check ’em out today. You’ll be glad you did.”
Thanks to Larry Cartwright who helped with the humor. You’re over coming your handicap in a might way, My Man. God bless you.
Gang, comment away. Don’t forget to fill in the blank before the show gets to the Final Round. Gene Rayburn is waiting for an answer.
METAPOST
Gang, it is with a VERY HEAVY heart that I announce that Aretha Frankllin died this morning. It’s not even close when I mention who was one of the giants in Rock ‘n’ Roll, Soul, Rhythm & Blues, and Pop. Aretha, you are THE QUEEN. With hits like “Respect”, “Think”, “Chain of Fools”, “Freeway of Love”, “Who’s Zoomin’ Who”, THAT’S not even scratching the surface of her accomplishments. She won 18 Grammys, belted out 24 Top 40 hits,and was the 1st woman inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Still. it really didn’t capture how influential she was in the world of music. When I was 10 years old, “All The King’s Horses” would be played on the radio and I just went bananas, not to mention the songs above giving this kid in the candy store a HUGE rush. With tributes ranging from former President Obama to Paul McCartney to Lionel Richie to SEVERAL others, it is clear she had a hold on many people in all ages and sizes. Elton John said it best when he said he was devastated by the news. So am I. Please spread the word about the Queen of Soul on her Day of Celebration. RIP, Aretha.
BTW, can I have your autograph?
Gang, isn’t this just getting weirder and weirder? Granted, the big mouths bestowed with the names Mutt and Jeff apparently got their comeuppance. We’re not sure, they ran their mouths for a couple of days, then disappeared off the set. The only account that they left Pine Ridge with their tails between their legs is what we’ve heard from Arthur Ashe and a Cowsill, sitting on a bench, feeding the doves. That’s just not the real thing, gang.
When was the last time Bruce Lee EVER took on 123 villains, all circling around him and waiting their turn until Lee kicked the one at hand in the nuts or flipped him across the South China Sea or smashed his head into the Statue of Liberty only to take on the next cad while the other cads waited their turn(passing the time away playing pinochle with other cads or watching the news until it was their time to rumble), the catch being that we only learn of it while Bruce is in the corner table at Pop’s Choklit Shoppe, getting in a burger-eating contest with Jughead Jones, meanwhile relating to Archie and the Gang how he eviscerated all 123, one-by-one naturally or HE’D be hamburger.
“Duhhhhhhh, how’d you get all 123? The Math don’t add up.”
“Don’t pay attention to Moose. It NEVER adds up for him. You oughta see him trying to figure out this plot. You might as well throw The Four Color Problem at him.”
And aren’t you just impressed with how they’re laying out strategy before they hit the Pacific Theater?
And based on Gil’s track record for leaving the scene of the battle, I’m not bettin’ the Pine Ridge Golf Course property that Gil will be in the thick of the bombs and the blood. He’ll be working with his kids’ putting while soldiers will be dying in waves. Children’s Crusade, indeed. Oh, but he’ll be there to shake Wilson’s and Tony’s hands when they lay down the flag at Iwo Jima. Yup, be posing smack dab in the middle when they shoot the photo of our heroes. Gil Theater in its prime.
He’ll be comin’ ’round the golf course, if he comes
He’ll be comin’ ’round the golf course if he comes
He’ll be comin’ ’round the golf course
It really couldn’t get much worse
He’ll be comin’ ’round the golf course if he comes.
He’ll be totin’ a Bud Lite cocktail if he comes
He’ll be totin’ a Bud Lite cocktail if he comes
He’ll be totin’ a Bud Lite cocktail
While he chews down both his thumbnails
He’ll be totin’ a Bud Lite cocktail when he comes.
He’ll be readin’ 6 golf journals if he comes
He’ll be readin’ 6 golf journals if he comes
He’ll be readin’ 6 golf journals
While guzzlin’ from his Thermos
He’ll be readin’ 6 golf journals when he comes.
He’ll be scoopin’ mud from his Nikes if he comes
He’ll be scoopin’ mud from his Nikes if he comes
He’ll be scoopin’ from his Nikes
Gym shoes weren’t for the high greens
He’ll be scoopin’ mud from his Nikes if he comes.
Sooooooooooooo, in the spirit of things, the following was done to accentuate the pointlessness of the plot thus far. Only the Myth of Sysiphus weighs in with more ennui.
After watching a VERY uninspiring episode of Dragnet on ‘Nick at Nite’ one evening where the episode was essentially ‘Joe Friday, This Is Your Life'”
It was 7:00PM, EST in Milford. It was a bit muggy but the weatherman said we might have rain by the late evening. I was on my day off, doing a Sudoku puzzle at my house. The boss is Lieutenant De Windt.
My partner, Bill Gannon, was off that day himself. His wife was at an Avon seminar in Minneapolis so he was left at home by himself, left to watch “The Partridge Family” reruns. He didn’t know any of the words to their songs and there were no women in Milford to run around with so he came over to my place.
BAM!!! BAM!!! BAM!!!
“Bill, come on in.”
“Thanks, Joe. Sayyyyyy, everything is clean as a whistle.”
“That’s right.”
“Where do you find the time to do ANYTHING? You’re always on stake-out.”
“I use Milford Rent-a-Maid. They even clean behind the toilets.”
“Joe, I’ll cut the cheese.”
“Negatory, Bill. There’s a bathroom down the hallway.”
“I mean, I’ll get to the point. Do you ever get out much?”
“Oh, every once in a while. Sometimes I just like to sit in my recliner chair and watch the Pro Wrestling matches. Jerry Lawler sure knows his way around the ring. Shoulda been a cop. Or I watch Oprah. That comes on after the matches.”
“Hey, how’d you like to go with me to the Junior Golf Match at Pine Crest? I have 2 tickets and I’d be delighted if you came along.”
“Sure.”
“Great!! Pick you up on Friday, Friday.”
“It’s a date.”
It was 10:54 AM. The sky was blue and it was a bit windy. The golfers might have trouble fighting Mother Nature, especially on the long shots down the fairway. But we weren’t golf analysts so we relaxed on a bench by the #1 tee at Pine Crest. We were waiting for Wilson and Tony to tee off. They were deep in the woods taking a shit. We were tempted to suggest the Port-o-Lets 2 feet in front of us but knew they had a lot on their plates and backed off. We weren’t looking for trouble but trouble soon headed our way and it wasn’t a Topflite that veered off somebody’s shank, about to bonk my partner, Gannon, on the head.
“Hey!!!!!!! If you’re through wiping your ass, we’d like to tee off!!! Or did you wussies chicken out and head back to the clubhouse and withdraw?”
I’d seen better punks from Alvin & The Chipmunks. They licked the mud off the golf cleats of the pros that appeared in the Milford Pro-Am Tournament. Still, I was taking no chances. Gannon had tear gas in his back pocket in case they resorted to throwing golf clubs at Wilson and Tony. A cop expected the unexpected.
Wilson and Tony got off on the wrong foot. Wilson shot one in the lake and Tony struck a branch from an oak tree. That was just cannon fodder for these hooligans.
“Hoooo, Boy, you guys are really shooting Championship-caliber golf early.”
I could take no more
“Awwwright, if you jack-offs have nothing better to do than make fun of peoples’ games, tee off.”
“Grandpa, you got no business directing traffic here on the course. That’s what golf officials are for. Who the Hell are you?”
“Now, you listen here, you worthless scum. I’m a cop. So’s my partner here, Bill Gannon. I could nail you for stolen merchandise under Milford Penal Code Article 847 Section 10a, ‘Intent to unlawfully and willfully remove clothing from a venue of business’. I could tell by the K-Mart tags on your collar. You punks weren’t smart enough to remove the evidence. Then again, I figure if you’d skip from #1 to #17, why should it be surprising that your lazy ways caught up with you? But I’m a nice guy. It’s my day off. I won’t make any arrests unless you jerks keep up your nasty remarks. It’s your move.”
That eerie music begins to seep onto the golf course, the music that creeps in every time Friday scores a point. The Dalton Gang lay down their guns and tee off.
It was 1:15 PM. The clouds were beginning to accumulate in Milford but still far from a threat of rain. Wilson and Tony just left dog leg right #8, par 5, with new found confidence. Both got birdies, Wilson from a strong shot down the fairway and Tony from a brilliant shot after hitting one to the right of the green and faced with going uphill. Piece of cake.
Their antagonists, Mutt and Jeff, were neck-and-neck with Wilson and Tony., one stroke behind the latter pair. For all their mouth, they made shot after shot, many from impossible angles. They were not going to lay down and die. This one looked like it was going down to the wire.
But then I noticed something peculiar. It was in the way they were looking in the woods. Something wasn’t shaking in the Alka-Seltzer. I couldn’t imagine their kibbutzing 2 squirrels, one humped on the other one. That’s when I decided to make my move.
I called the Milford Police for back-up. You couldn’t have too much security in this town. Many Milford Police were victimized by TNT that blew in their face while walking Granny across the street. The Milford Police was on the scene. Hole #9, dog leg left, par 4 was a flurry of activity. I had my megaphone. I was ready.
BADER!!!!!!!!!!! POLICE OFFICERS!!!!!!!! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!!!!!!!!! YOU’RE UNDER ARREST!!!!!!!!
Papa Bader came out from behind the Japanese Maple tree with his hands meekly shot in the air. Gannon immediately put the cuffs on him.
“Bader, you are under arrest for violating California Penal Code Chapter 17, Article 38, Section 14f, “Unlawfully distributing Mudlar-K-Cola to a minor. Gannon, read him his rights.”
“You have the right to remain silent. If you…”
Hey, wait a minute, Milford isn’t in California!!!!!!!”
Mutt and Jeff were making one last desperate plea.
“Look, punk, if you’d worked on getting it on the green as much as you committed to smuggling illegal contraband onto the golf course, you wouldn’t be tangled up with this loser. Boys, get ’em outta here.”
It was 4:51 PM. The rain was about to arrive in Milford. Wilson and Tony went on to shoot 71 and 72, respectively, and win the Tournament with no pressure from the Dalton Gang alias Mutt and Jeff. I booked them on a Section 217, “Unlawfully appearing in a comic strip with no purpose in sight”. Only Mary Worth was stuck in the Federal Penitentiary longer. Prison time could be stiff.
“So tell me, Joe. How’d you know it was Bader?”
“Simple. I’d been hearing loud noises throughout the match. Golf carts don’t have transmission problems that bad. And when I heard it shift, I knew carts don’t run on manual. you couldn’t lug the engine carrying someone’s clubs. Then I saw the Mudlar-K-Cola truck stashed behind the pin oak tree on #10 and it confirmed what I’d been thinking. I knew Bader had escaped prison by using his dentures to chew on the prison bars. The cheap material to save the taxpayers a buck. The prison bars are made from the same company that manufactures World’s Finest Chocolate. I put 2 + 2 together and came up with 4.”
Gil Thorp comes up to Joe and Bill to shake their hands.
“Thank you for all your help. Mr. Bader is back in prison and the bad guys got their comeuppance like they have for the last 60 years.”
“Yeah, well, Thorp, I hate to break it to you but I’m running you in on a charge of State Law 71, Section 102t, Articlke 16, Theorem 21, Postulate 89, Lemma 7, Verse 12, ‘Intent to impersonate a comic strip when you belong in the want ad section with Rivets and Marmaduke’. Your game is up and this will be the last time you coach kids, then head to the neighborhood tavern when the heat’s on.”
“But I did nothing wrong. I coached kids who needed my advice and they ran with it.”
“AND YOU RAN OFF!!!!!!!! Now you listen here, Charlie. I’ve seen the likes of you many times before. Teach ’em how to shoot one out of the water, then go to Disneyworld with your kids or maybe even teach your kids the finer points of the game while Wilson and Tony are throwing their clubs in the lake because they missed a chip shot from 10 feet out. You mighta fooled the golf pro but our show started well in the 50’s before your comic strip was just Dobie Gillis in print. Ohhhhhhhh, the number of people you’ve led astray who could have been golf pros but wound up scouring the toilets at The Bucket. You didn’t have to clean their puke when a patron devoured too much Rocky Road Malt Magnifique and he upchucked it all over the sink. Myself, I’d throw the book at you.”
“Will I be able to admit receipts that I was only at the Milford Lounge for a 1/2 hour? The print can streak but they’re not fakes.”
“I don’t know. That’ll be up to the Fraud and Forgery Department.”
“Look, I know I got a bum rap. I made this strip with all the kids I imbued with my values. Without those values, they’d be on the chain gang.”
“Yeah? Well, you’re about to imbue them in another comic strip.”
Eerie music interlude before the show lays down THE HAMMER.
BOM BA BOM BOM
BOM BA BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
The story you have seen is true. the names stayed the same to encourage the ignorant.
On August 14th, trial was held at Milford Superior Couurt. in a moment, the results of that trial.
Thank you, Steven Pickford. You made America run when you drove busses and worked maintenance for TARC, the bus line for Louisville, Kentucky. Without your efforts, the sometimes uphill climb to make Capitalism work and promote Democracy got that much tougher. The Good Life got better thanks to people like you. Get a well-deserved rest.
Mr. Bader standing bug-eyed at the camera
“Mr. Bader was found guilty of unlawful departure from a public institution which is punishable by 5-10 years under Section 251 of the Milford Penal Code.”
On the graphics on the screen-“Mr. Bader is serving 7 years in addition to his present sentence known only to Thorpiverse”.
Gil Thorp, picking his nose, stares at camera
“Gil Thorp was found guilty of 7 counts of impersonating a comic strip, punishable by not less than 10 years on another comic strip.”
On the graphics on the screen-“Gil is now serving 12 years in the “Dennis the Menace” comic strip, in the house where Mr. Wilson used to live.”
“The fate of Mutt and Jeff was inconclusive as no names could be determined beyond those names and networks prohibited publishing names of minor on the television screen. they were therefore sent to a Hare Krishna commune just outside New Thayer.”
What the teachers, coaches, staff, anything remotely related to Gil Thorp in the month of August while the plot gently weeps
SHE CAME IN THROUGH THE BATHROOM WINDOW!!!!!!!!!
“See, I told you if you added a little Classic Rock to your set list, you would have the crowd on its knees.”
“Yeah!! And you should have seen Mimi crawl out of the air duct. They just whoop and whistled. It got a lot esier to play ‘Relaxin’ at Camarillo’ after that. They just sat in stunned silence. And I got a standing ovation like Yardbird was in the room.”
“Super!! Ready for bed?”
“Bluh, bluh, I better get ready for my gig at Minton’s Playhouse on Thursday.”
“Honey, isn’t that in New York?”
Gang, fire away. I’ll be around if Gil bails out again. I’ll watch the instructional video should that happen, a likely occurrence.
BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I ROCK AND ROLLED…
…BEEN A LONG TIME, BEEN A LONG TIME, BEEN A LONG LONELY LONELY LONELY LONELY LONELY TIME…
Headline from the Milford Enquirer the next day
“Coach Shaw and Mimi Do 5 Encores of the Finale”
sub head line
“Mimi bangs her head on pole better than John Bonham”
Who knew there was so much structure to Junior Golf in The Valley? Tournaments and qualifiers and Wilson and Tony banging up the course. Are we expected to keep track of all this? Are statistics or rankings kept somewhere? Seriously, this is most likely an abbreviated plot and yet it seems crammed full of lots of talk of a sports infrastructure that we’ve never heard about in a Gil Thorp context before. Remember when golf was just something Gil pretended to teach little kids as an excuse so he didn’t have to help Mimi around the house?
Next, Gil is going to teach the Boys Wonder about golf topography!
Oh well I can fill in since its late enough. More bs commentary from Gil. At least he didnt say ‘Gents’.
Yes theyre 2nd year golfers competing against 16 and 17 year olds. But there are Plenty of 16 and 17 year olds who are ALSO SECOND YEAR GOLFERS.!
I started swinging a club at age 9. My dad took me to the driving range for 3 years before he decided I was ready to play a course. So I started playing in the fall of 1978 when I was almost 13. I shot 121. The next round I shot 122. Keep in mind I already knew how to hit a ball before I played a round due to my dad having me hit balls for 3 years. My short game was sorely lacking however, as I didnt have a lot of practice in that area save for chipping balls in my yard. I would aim for the lamppost in the middle of the lawn in front of the house, and we had several shorter grass areas surrounding the driveway that I used to hit shots of various lengths. I improved quite a bit from that but my putting was still weak from not enough practice on a real green. So anyway–
I dont think I broke 100 my first full season, and my 2nd season was cut short by a shoulder injury in July of the year when I went too far back on a backswing and felt something hurt. I played a couple more holes but couldnt swing all the way back, so I quit, and my shoulder wasnt better until October. 3 months. I think I may have torn a muscle, and it just took that long to heal, but I was basically done for the year. By October its school stuff and cooler weather and I dont think I played another round that year that I recall. But the shoulder healed completely. And being a kid I wasnt allowing the shoulder to slow me down- I learned to do stuff lefthanded like pitch and bat. Just couldnt swing a club.
So season 3 came and I was ready to improve and I not only broke 100 I beat my dad for the first time. Then in season 4, at age 16, I got a hole in one. I figure I played 100 par 3’s before that ace, which is very few for such a major golf accomplishment. That year I broke 90 a few times and decided I was ready to try out for my high school golf team as a junior. I had a couple things against me however. The team was good, its home course was the toughest 9 in the area, and I didnt play that course very well. My 2 nine hole scores were 52 and 52, and needless to say I was cut. My dad said dont take it personally, and I didnt, but I still felt I was better then those scores indicated; and my game continued to improve until I shot my lowest score ever, 78, a few years later. I still consider myself better then the average golfer, but I found out that improvement is slower once you reach a certain level, and I just didnt play enough to reach the low 80’s upper 70’s all the time. But thats my goal every time I tee it up.
So enough about me; what my point about telling all this is these guys are shooting 87 in their 2nd year, and thats way ahead of my pace. At that level, its all about the short game and minimizing the strokes around the green, and that takes practice and repetition. Then they can get those 83s Gil is talking about.
As we sink our teeth into a summer golf story… 2 or 3 strokes is close enough that a double hit could make things interesting. I dont think its weird at all that high school kids are giving each other grief about anything. Thats what they do. And in P3, Gil gives his timeless advice.. I thought the guys were hung up on every thing he said about the game, and all he comes up with is .. Ease up. How does he know they feel bad? All theyre doing is sitting on a bench having a cold one. Its so dumb how emotions are assumed so quickly in this strip, but thats why its only a comic strip and not real life.
Goofus brings his cell phone on the course in violation of club policy. Gallant heads to the practice bunker to improve his game.
Goofus cuts over to 17 to get off the course early. Gallant calls penalties on himself for double hits he may be imagining.
Goofus namechecks a comic strip that’s even less relevant to today’s readers than the one he’s in. Gallant works on his form by trying an awkward ballet position. (I’ll leave it to our experts to tell us which one.)
The Protagonists of August will keep working, ’cause Gil sure as hell won’t.
Musical inspiration for today’s post title:
Gang, remember when we were kids and we went to Jerry’s or Ponderosa or Frisch’s Big Boy and we’d order our favorite food because our parents weren’t going to make us eat our vegetables at Frisch’s, WE COULD ORDER WHATEVER THE HELL WE WANTED? So we’d order a Triple Cheese Big Boy Burger, a washtub full of French Fries, Caesar’s Salad they’d serve in dog food bowls and OF COURSE THE DESSERT which was a hot fudge sundae designed like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Naturally, we didn’t finish because we were kids and our eyes got bigger than our tummies and so Mom and Dad got us doggie bags to finish instead of Cheerios for the next couple of days. While we were waiting, remember those placemats? The ones that had “Help Long John Silver find the buried treasure” or “Help Big Boy find his way to his house” or “Help Marty Moon find his way to Studio 3 after he got hung over from Blatz Beer the night before”.
That’s the scenario as I see it in front of me. Etiqutte training? Blackthorne? One minute we’re on the trail of 2 teenagers, evidently with some game, about to brave the elements to,well, play more golf. Next thing you know we’re trying to cram in more terminology within the span of less than a month. The plot that never ends, fer sure.
What does etiquette training have to do with the game of golf AT THIS POINT ANYWAY? Sure, you yell “FORE!!!!!” when you hit a shot and you think it’s going to hit a spectator or fellow golfer on the head if they’re in the vicinity of your shot. And you wait patiently until your partner putts or uses a 9-iron before you attempt your shot. But we don’t need to go into Amy Vanderbilt here and why are we going into it anyway? Because Gil is trying to hide the fact that HE’S CLUELESS AND HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH 2 TEENAGE BOYS WITH OBVIOUSLY MORE GOLF LORE IN THEIR BAGS THAN GIL HAS IN HIS TRUNK?
Gil, why don’t you just say it? You have NOTHING to teach these kids so the month of August is strictly going to be a BS session as we help Cap’n Crunch and his crew find Etiquette Training and get a coupon good for a free Big Boy Catch of the Day Fish Sandwich, good for the next go-round plus a box of Cap’n Crunch Blueberry Cereal (Hey, we’re kids, we always loved a throw-ins). I mean, I don’t know if we’re reading Gil Thorp or James Joyce. St. Fabians? Was that in “Finnegan’s Wake” or “Ulysses”?
I’twas a blustery dye in Milfoordian as we goot nae soon for tree dyes now. Blackthorne woos a syte with ool its liefs drooped froom the trees. Gil nyded moor sex froom his wife sence the ploot woos fallin apart with nae end in syte.
At the Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club during August
“AWOPBOPALOOBOPAWOPBAMBOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Heard at a table 10 feet from stage
“Man, I didn’t know Coach Kaz had it in him!!”
“I hear ya!! And Mimi is really SHAKIN’ THAT THANG!!”
Little Richard, you’re still going strong at 86 and I don’ t see that stopping. My hat’s off to you, My Man.
And have we really established where the hell we’re playing? As long as Gil is going to be the caboose on the Little Train That Could(“CHOO CHOOOOO, This plot is bad, this plot is bad, this…”), we’re given possible sites, Pine Ridge, St. Fabians, Blackthorne, Augusta National, Pebble Beach, Zion National Monument, Badlands, and so on but Gil is not only NOT REALLY coaching(like he ever was but this time his hand is caught in the hole on #10) but he’s drawn a blank for a specific spot.
At Milford Putt Putt
“NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can’t have somebody hold the windmill blade while you’re shooting for an eagle. That’s cheating!!!!!!!!!!!!”
What happens when you call the number 1-888-O-BUCKET or go online at http://www.Bucketismyfirstlove.com to answer the survey to receive a Buy One Bucket Liver Cheeseburger and Bucket Fries Combo, Get One Free coupon
What did you order?
Bucket Burger
Bucket Double Burger
Bucket Triple Burger
Bucket Cheese Burger
Bucket Fries
Bucket Curly Fries
Bucket Chili Fries
Bucket o’ Tots
Bucket Hot Tamale
Bucket Pasta and Rice
Bucket Breakfast w/ Hot Cakes
Bucket Breakfast w/ Hot Cakes w/o Hash Brown Packet
Bucket Breakfast w/ Hot Cakes w/ I Can’t Believe it’s Butter!!!
Bucket Breakfast w/ Hot Cakes w/o Hash Brown Packet w/ Napkins & Straw w/o Butter and Jelly and Maple Syrup w/Arm & Hammer Baking Soda
Bucket Bologna Burger
Bucket Garlic Bologna Burger
Bucket Thick-Sliced Garlic Bologna Burger
Bucket Thin-Sliced Garlic Bologna Burger in Laminated Sheets
Bucket Thin-Sliced Garlic Bologna Burger Hand-Tossed
Bucket Turkey Burger
Bucket Buffalo Burger
Bucket Buffalo Burger(w/o Hormone Shots)
Bucket Burger w/ Matzo Buns
Bucket Pizza Burger
Bucket Pizza Burger Delivered in 30 Minutes or Less or it’s Free, excluding Oakwood and New Thayer
Pepperoni Pizza
Sausage Pizza
Canadian Bacon Pizza
Pizza! Pizza!(Oops, this is not a Little Caesars Survey)
Any Combo of these that it would take printing another piece of paper that was obtained by felling a tree in Milford Natural Area to print
How satisfied were you with the quality of the food products? 1) Highly Satisfied 2) Somewhat Satisfied 3) Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied 4) Somewhat Dissatisfied 5) Highly Dissatisfied
How satisfied were you with the temperature of your food? 1) Highly Satisfied 2) Somewhat Satisfied 3) Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied 4) Somewhat Dissatisfied 5) They use thermometers that aren’t Blue-Lite Specials at K-Mart, no?
How satisfied were you with the friendliness of the staff? 1) Highly Satisfied 2) Somewhat Satisfied 3) Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied 4) Somewhat Dissatisfied 5) I’ve seen friendlier from a slut who got terminated at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club because of too many absences even though the Union is taking it to arbitration
How long did take to receive your order?
0-5 Minutes
6-10 Minutes
11-18 Minutes
19-25 Minutes
26-32 Minutes
Longer than the last plot
Did you order dessert products(Bucket Blast Banana Split, Bucket Blizzard, Bucket Bundt Cake, Bucketmints, Bucketpuddin’, etc.)? 1) Yes 2) No 3) Didn’t have time-had to get back to the Golf Plot
How satisfied were you with the quality of the dessert products? 1) Highly Satisfied 2) Somewhat Satisfied 3) Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied 4) Somewhat Dissatisfied 5) Highly Dissatisfied
The Bucket car hops had Plumber’s Butt 1) Strongly Disagree 2) Somewhat Disagree 3) Neither Agree nor Disagree 4) Somewhat Agree 5) Strongly Agree
I think playing “Hot Rod Lincoln” 736 times on the jukebox during Milford Frog Follies was a bit excessive 1) Strongly Disagree 2) Somewhat Disagree 3) Neither Agree nor Disagree 4) Somewhat Agree 5) Strongly Agree
I would be satisfied if The Bucket were to transfer operations to Camp Swampy 1) Strongly Disagree 2) Somewhat Disagree 3) Neither Agree nor Disagree 4) Somewhat Agree 5) Strongly Agree
I think The Bucket and Milford Clay Oven(“The Taste of the Himalayas comes to Mudlarkland”) should exchange menus for 1 week 1) Strongly Disagree 2) Somewhat Disagree Neither Agree nor Disagree 4) Somewhat Agree 5) Strongly Agree
I think if Milford Clay Oven were to shut down for 3 weeks by the Milford Health & Safety Board due to numerous safety hazards, The Bucket would be The Taste of the Himalayas 1) Strongly disagree 2) Somewhat Disagree 3) Neither Agree nor Disagree 4) Somewhat Agree 5) Strongly Agree
I’d rather eat at The Bucket than Frisch’s Big Boy because I have suspicions that Big Boy is transsexual 1) Strongly Disagree 2) Somewhat Disagree 3) Neither Agree nor Disagree 4) Somewhat Agree 5) Strongly Agree
I’d rather eat at The Bucket than the Milford McDonald’s because there were rumors that Ronald McDonald had Red Books by Chairman Mao on his coffee table in his living room 1) Strongly Disagree 2) Somewhat Disagree 3) Neither Agree nor Disagree 4) Somewhat Agree 5) Strongly Agree
Thank you for taking the time to complete the survey. Your promo code number to Buy One Bucket Liver Cheeseburger and Bucket Fries Combo Get One Free is 48576390768574636458693766012365774758569687784626486068462362364547575785839094589686858684002274659235765748347289. Call for any problems.
P3: “And Gil’s putt at Putt-Putt went THAT far off the hole. It’s a shame cuz he made the shot through the cannon without landing on the street.”
“BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS AIN’T A CONCERT HALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” as numerous tomatoes and ice cubes are hurled at Coach Shaw at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club. Mimi and the Pussycats are still cuttin’ a rug.
“Dear, you can’t sound like Django Reinhart the first time. The Jazz Guitar lessons take time.”
“And I heard the Milford UMC has a Chicken ‘n’ Grits Supper this Friday and I heard their organist has the flu. My summer ain’t entirely shot. I’ll get supplementary income somehow.”
“Sounds like a winner. C’mon, let’s have fun in bed.”
“Uhhhhhhh, where’s those Barney Kessel CD’s? I could use a little more practice.”
Gang, comment away. I’m going over to Milford Putt-Putt for the Pro-Am Tournament. There was a question when the ball didn’t clear the drawbridge in time how to execute the ball drop. Do you step on the petunias around the bridge? The debate still rages.
“Oh, SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! I lost track of the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to be at work in 15 minutes!!!!!!!!!!!! Gil, don’t you have bodyguard duty?”
“I’m off tonight.”
Well, can you water my daffodils? There’s a new dance routine we gotta learn tonight. We gotta get the Texas 2-Step down before the 1st show at 8.”
At Jerry’s Restaurant in Milford
“Help Coach Shaw find his sex life. His wife is on a deserted island wearing a tropical grass bikini with nothing but coconuts and Friday.”
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