MeeMaw who??

Boy we have a lot to get to here so lets get crackin–

1. Most girls dont wear torn-sleeve muscle shirts. Guys do, like me. Keri is a girl as far as I know.
2. How does Keri already know how to drive? Isnt she a freshman? (I already related how only seniors could drive at my school.)
3. Its ok to like Iggy Pop but who the hell is that on her T-shirt?
4. The way the window/door is in the background indicates the room is not Keri’s bedroom but likely the living room. If so, why the hell is Iggy Pop on the wall in the living room? Gil put that there? Egads!
5. I thought Jami was older then Keri. And HE needs a ride?
6. Whoever the hell Meemaw Debbie is, why does Jamie have to make a deal like that? Mimi should only accept a yes or no answer. And its wrong for Mimi to accept that deal. Apparently Meemaw Debbie only plays right after school. Otherwise why cant one of the parents drive Jami to Lukes house? Good Lord.
7. And now Gil is concerned about Luke being a bad influence on Jami. Cripes, my parents wern’t saying stuff like that when I needed a ride somewhere. They trusted that my friends were ok.
8. Mimi, whats better, a bad friend or no friend? Apparently she doesnt care. Hey, hang around with a drug dealer for all I care. You need to make friends dude!!

Walking Tall: The Day Buford Pusser And Gil Thorp Retake Milford.

If I am guessing correctly about what Jami might be talking about, I would venture to say it is roughly related to a Dungeons and Dragons game or related atmosphere. The concept is interesting as a lot of chess is involved in it. The Game Master is the moderator/scorekeeper and the participants are warriors/knights engaging in battle with various enemies. Here’s the kicker, the participant talks out his/her characteristics and what they expect when he/she engages in battle. The dice is eventually rolled to determine the outcomes and the Game Master determines outcomes based upon what the participants are telling the GM and the stat sheet(s) in the GM’s hand. That summarizes what I’m gathering although I’m sure there’s a whole world in it so corrections are welcome.

As Vaganova has mentioned, we’re getting exposed to a Pandora’s Box of plots and MAYBE they’ll fall in place before basketball MAYBE NOT. So what the hay, let’s dump another featherless biped on the table in the guise of Dungeons and Dragons. I mean, c’mon, when Jami talks about rolling a dirty 20, it’s safe to say he’s not talking about the grand slam he booted in kickball in gym class. Thorpiverse, will you quit mudslinging these fancy-schmancy terms at us as if we’re going to go grab a Ouija board and try to summon a dragon from the dead, hoping to God somebody remembered to store the sword in the china cabinet? Yeah, yeah, Jami, you rolled a dirty 100 and sent the guy to the school nurse when you dusted his butt in slaughterball. Mimi, will you pass the biscuits?

Speaking of Gil, Man, you talk about the pot calling the kettle Thorp. Gil, Holy one, as long as you’re going to talk about foul language, you were accosted with some loser and his wife who in no uncertain terms tossed a numberable amount of profanities at you, not that it wasn’t unwarranted. And over the sixty years of watching you coach (loosely speaking) , you have spewed out some dirty words yourself, Mr. Potty Mouth In Disguise.

And it wasn’t as if Jami was really cussing, not outwardly anyway. I could have addressed my 3rd grade teacher as “Hello Mrs. 3rd Grade Teacher, you sweet Dirty 20” and not worry about getting sent to the principal’s office. She’d be clueless what I meant but I wasn’t flipping her off. Oh hey, Mr. Referee, how’s your Dirty 20 doing? Is she out of the hospital yet? BTW, could you watch #15? He’s pushing off down low.

This whole thing, IMO, has all the trappings of a Walking Talk sequel. The controversial movie was based on a true story centering around Buford Pusser, an ex-pro wrestler who wants to help his dad in the logging business in McNairy County, Tennessee. Pusser’s eyes are opened when he runs across the rampant corruption in the county, particularly when he catches a games house at cheating. The county sheriff is threatened by him and tries to kill him but ends up getting killed himself in the process and Pusser eventuallly takes over at sheriff. He carries around a long piece of wood, basically a tall wooden post, to drive home the message “Speak softly but carry a big stick.” Oh, this one’s big.
And what better way for Gil to deal with a butthole who gets to be more of a butthole by the panel than to tote Pusser’s Stick? If Luke Loser says “poop” in front of Beth the Bartender, Gil can pull a Buford Pusser and FAP Luke up side his forehead. Terrorists attempt to raid the airport and Gil can’t get on the plane for his next Coach of the Year ceremony as a result? Smash the airport lockers where all the bombs are hidden with Pusser’s Stick and line up those cowards one-by-one on the floor where Gil can bludgeon them to death and save taxpayer expense using the electric chair. Marty slanders Gil once again and says he coaches only when it’s convenient? Swing that Pusser’s Stick towards the sound board. Simple.
I can’t wait for Walking Tall V: Gil Uses Pusser’s Stick On A Nurse Who Injects Anthrax Into Mimi’s Mom’s Tea.

At the Milford High School parking lot

SMASH!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!! TRASH!!!!!!!!!!

Stud Pardee yells out “Coach Thorp, why are you smashing my windshield???? All I wanted to know was why my daughter wasn’t playing varsity on the volleyball team.”

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Sheriff Buford Pusser Executes Severe Damage To Dr. Pearl’s Lexus In A Raid Yielding Millions In Illegal Contraband!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Sheriff Pusser: ‘We had reasonable suspicion that she and her husband had plenty of hooch hidden in the back seat under the Perry Como records.’”

Is that the Poltergeist tree? I thought it got swept up in that tornado. How did it land in the yard out of nowhere? Better not press my luck on that one. I wouldn’t want that tree to eat Keri and Jami like it tried to do with the children from the movie. Thorpiverse, don’t Dirty 43 the kids this early. We still have 9 more decades of plot before they graduate. But it looks tame for now. Wouldn’t build a tree house but not looking over my shoulder either.

Daggone it, Coach, if there’s one thing I can’t stand is a resident who leaves his ladder out in the yard. You talk about a safety hazard. Oh whoops, that’s the railing. Good thing. It looks like it’s supporting the structure that has become a shotgun house. The dining room has been shrunk to a debriefing room, nice touch.

Just another day in Paradise in Penny Lane

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J.’s Residence Checked For Hooch!!!!!! Milford Police To Draw Up Another Search Warrant!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Mr. Pusser better not use no bat on my lamp. I bought that on sale at Pier 1 Imports.”

Oooooookkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back with another round to WHACK Gil Thorp out of the county. Take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Gil used Buford’s_______________ when Gil went to bed with Mimi.”

Now that Jami has thrown a Mazes and Monsters concept at us, I am still struggling to figure out TTRP. Thorps That Rape People? Thorps Try Raising Peacocks? Take Thorps and Ram them into a Pole? Okay, I stretched the last one but that’s what happens when I’m not well-versed in Dungeons and Dragons. Try To Remember Pliability.
And Gil, what other Luke could your son be talking about? Yeah, I zapped Luke Skywalker, Junior with a laser and earned enough points to send him and The Mudlark Dragon back to Pluto. And with a lucky roll of the die, I can get Carol Ann and Mimi’s mom released from that Poltergeist that was slumbering in the tool cabinet in the garage.
It can’t be Luke who wrote one of the Gospels. Everybody has to have a surname if they want to enroll at Milford Middle School.

“Watch where you taking that whiskey. That’s valuable merchandise, son.”

SPLASHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Now look what ya did, boy!!!!! Ya got whiskey all over the distillery!!!!!!!”

“It was heavy, Dad.”

“Are you some kind of girl???? I bet ya got ta squat ta pee.”

“I DO NOT!!!!!”

“Don’t you sass me, boy, I’ll give you a whuppin’ bigger than Mr. Pusser can do!!!!!!!!”

WHAP!!!!!! WHAP!!!!!!

“Gil!!!!!!! That’s your son!!!!!!”

Being a Christian, I really don’t have a problem with Dungeons and Dragons or similar games. Obviously there’s a few dubious elements but anybody wise enough to take games like this in the proper perspective should never encounter any problems. Like with anything.

Just a cautionary note and take it as you wish. Let Mazes and Monsters be a warning of the dangers when you don’t back off when the signs were clear. Tom Hanks (first role in a major movie, if I’m not mistaken) plays a student who gets caught up in the Dungeons and Dragons atmosphere to the point where he went insane. Satan is real, folks. Never underestimate his power.

Hal Lindsey was right. We make Satan out to be this impish Hot Stuff character who takes his knocks and suffers the foils and frailties like other kids, or the Human Race in general. Nothing could be further from the truth. In Ephesians, it says “Put on the armor of God”. Against Satan, I would. Know Jesus. Read your Bible. I’ll say it again, he’s real. Protect yourself. I’ve seen too many signs.

But again, you are free to worship as you wish. Just serve that God 110% is all I ask.

Is Mimi really having that much trouble killing that T-bone steak? I know she’s listening intently to Jami bragging about how he shot Luke Loser’s dragon into some abyss in the alley but Mimi, I have a hacksaw if that’ll help.
And what is it with the green cuisine? I’ve heard of green eggs and ham but not the KFC Family Bucket Special like we’re seeing at the dinner table this evening. You eat that palm leaf, Jami, there are starving kids in China that would drop off the Great Wall for a bite. And Keri, use a piece of green bread to scoop that green buffalo heart and green pig liver, don’t use your hands.

WHAT is that plate in the middle???? A piece of green Sara Lee Choco Cream Pie???? No thanks, Mimi, no seconds for me. WHAT is in that bowl in the middle???? Green mints so that you don’t get bad breath from green buffalo hearts???? Fried green tater tots???? Green crab legs from the Alaskan coastline???? And what is the other bowl of green cottage cheese doing on the other end of the table? No more green oatmeal until you eat all your palm leaves, Jami.

The family that greens together, stays together. Judging by Keri’s hair, they’ll be glued together for quite some time.

Annnndddddd

Hmmmmmmm. Let me see. Try The Rugby Plot.

Oh God, no. I can’t see Coach Thorp, Marty Moon, Mr. Dr. Pearl, or Lunky Luke in a rugby uniform (with that nasty goatee and matching golf hat? Sheesh) . And how long would THAT get dragged out? We only have 3 more months plus the loose change in September.

Uh oh. When Gil’s eye shoots off firecrackers, you know you can expect a Buford Pusser moment. It’s bad enough when Gil has to defend his honor against Sewer Mouth Luke Martinez Senior to better serve Beth the Bartender to better serve all the lushes at the ceremony or Milford Lounge or the Airport Bar & Grill or wherever she plies her trade but is Jami going to meet a similar fate against Sewer Mouth Martinez Junior???? Judging by Gil chewing on his Nestle Quik glass, I probably don’t want to know the answer.

What could the plotline gods conceivably create that would involve Jami? Sewer Mouth Junior cussing out the lady substitute gym teacher because they’re doing too many jumping jacks? Watch your language, bub, or I’ll waylay you with my jock strap. Just do the 1,453 jumping jacks and shut up. Sewer Mouth Junior threatening the school cafeteria cashier with a spork because she overcharged on the chipped jello? Oh boy, Jami to the rescue. Just leave that cashier alone and eat your Ho Ho’s and like it before me and Wyatt Earp run you out of Dodge. Sewer Mouth Junior blackmailing the DJ at the school dance? Listen here, chum, if you don’t like dancing to Deep Purple’s “Space Truckin’”, go permanent ice-fishing in Labrador.
Finish the rest of your arugula, Jami.

BTW, jumping jacks was named after none other than General John “Black Jack” Pershing (Pershing missiles named after him) . From his humble beginnings in Laclede, Missouri (great stopover at his Boyhood Home, if you’re on vacation and in the area) , he rose up and steamrolled his way into the ranks. Very by-the-book and no-nonsense but fair, his exercise programs were about as Muscular Christianity as you could imagine, vigorous and tough but got results. Jumping jacks was part of that regimen. The Axis Powers in WWI never knew what hit them when Pershing’s men took the battlefield.

“We’ll return to see who gets chopped from the Green Cuisine Week festivities after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“ Ay Ay Ay, my wife was running around on me. She had a caliente for this teenager down at the Milford Trocadero. I’ll never forgive Ricky Ricardo for expanding his operations. If I could golpear him with my own Buford Pusser garrote, I’d take back anything I said about or to Gil. She can have Beth the Bartender.”

“WOW!!!!!! Sounds like Luke Martinez Senior has problems Luke Junior will face once the latter stops using Clearisil. It was no fun playing mediator here but at Joe Sharkey Divorce and Divorce Attorneys & Assiciates et al, we pay the price so they can get paid and I can afford the garbage disposal rates every month.”

“I had to get away from la Madera de una Hormiguero. He was not exciting in bed and I had to use a respirator to pump him up. It was 1:39AM one night when he aired up sufficiently. I never saw a balloon pump struggle to inflate worse than this. And I had to go to bed by then if I wanted to get to work by 7 AM.”

“We got them to kiss and make up over the final settlement. Mediation and a shotgun in the corner sped the process quite significantly. They both walked out happy and satisfied. Luke went to sing Pure Prairie League songs to Beth the Bartender in celebration. She went home to mother.”

“I got $563,093,342 and I had full visitation rights. Man, I can afford golf clubs!!!! They’ll come in handy when I challenge Gil in strip golf next week. Plus $35 per hole. That #%?^*+!$&@ cheapskate can afford it. He tipped The Bucket waiter $50, even after Melissa Gordon picked up the tab, then left. Thanks, Shark!!!!!”

“I received $645,982,305 from the settlement. Me and that teenage pizza de miel are going to make beautiful music on our honeymoon, then settle down in Kansas and buy a wheat farm. I’ll be satisfied sexually and financially and we only have to worry about a tornado every now and then. Thanks Shark!!!!!!!!”

“You heard these people. Everybody turned out a winner. Now, me, If you can get it resolved, PLEASE contact Milford Marriage Counseling and set up an appointment. Your initial consultation is free and they take major insurance and EBT cards. If there is no way around it, please get it by the deadline, normally 30 days after the consultation but 15 days when the matter is deemed and ruled irreconcilable by the Milford Superior Court notwithstanding the notaries that stamp their seal of approval in writing before the second Tuesday after the first Monday of each month with a 5 day grace period. Get The Shark on your side by calling 1-FON-THE-JAWS. One call, that’s all.”

Gang, Buford Pusser did not smash the windshield on Gil’s SUV. He had no hooch in the spare tire as the Milford Enquirer alleged, remember? It must have been a prank.

But God bless you anyway.

At Milford Nudist Colony, in the spare parking lot

SMASH!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!

“Mommy? Daddy said Sheriff Pusser is smashing Marty Moon’s car because he smuggled Milford Men’s Clinic sex pills from Guatemala.”

“Uhhhhhhh, oh look, Keri, there’s Luke Junior on the playground. Go play with him on the jungle jim.”

On The Chopping Block on WDIG-TV one late night

“Chef Gil Thorp. You’ve been chopped.”

“Coach, I just think the mashed potatoes could’ve been greener. Are you sure you checked the oven dial?”

“…And Don’t Forget To Snap A Group Photo Of The Other Team While You’re At It.”

WHAT TEAM ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET DOES A GROUP SHOOT AFTER A GAME????

When I coached in a private school, we always reserved a time to have the whole basketball (or soccer) team and coaching staff pose and smile in front of the camera. Well and good, there is a time and place for everything. When we were getting our butts kicked in an enemy gym, if I told the team we were going to pose for the yearbook after the game, I would have been drummed out of the gym. Even when we won, no sweaty, smelly player with blood and grime and sweat all over him and his uniform was crazy about creating memories via a Canon or a Polaroid Instamatic.

Okay, okay, I’ll make room for when you win a championship. When my high school won the Sectional during my sophomore year in a thrilling fashion (dethroned the previous four-time Sectional winner) and later won the Regional (NOTHING like Hoosier Hysteria, trust me. The movie was right) , the team was so thrilled with winning that they were overjoyed to pose in front of a camera that has rung memories several decades later. But shoot, the Indiana Communist Party could have done a few shoots and sent it to Moscow (not Idaho, Thorpiverse) to spread propaganda that the Yankee Imperialists were exploiting their basketball team and made them harvest potatoes with a rake, and the team wouldn’t have cared. Ditto if the Milford Women’s Christian Temperance Union was around with a Nikon. You see, that’s what happens when they abstain from alcohol. New Thayer lost because their coach allowed the team to raid Gil’s wine cellar.
The point is, the team will pose in front of anybody if they have grabbed the brass ring and are able to stick it in the trophy case Monday morning. Otherwise, what is the purpose of doing a group photo after beating Palooka High?

What’s going to be next? There will be a fire drill procedure immediately after today’s victory with Hicktown High. We could have executed it at more convenient times but because we’re Milford and we’re the 800-pound gorilla, we can sit anywhere we want in the gym when everybody else is rolled up in a ball out on the soccer practice field and the volleyball team is huddled around the pitch.
And after the victory Thursday over Chumpville Academy, we will dismantle the volleyball nets and Milford PTA will stage a flea market. Be sure to bring all those items you don’t need or have wasting away in the living room closet and no human would touch with a Spalding volleyball so that the sale will be a success. We’re still making payments on the air-conditioning we installed last year.

It is ludicrous to assume people had Polaroids stuffed in their gym bags before today’s match. Nike gym shoes? Check. Deodorant after a shower? Check. Towel? Check. Spare sweats? Check. Game ball? Check. Kodak? Check.
Thus begins another Fall season.

Gang, this is absolutely rip-roaring. Some strip club dancers in some major town is wanting to unionize its labor. I mean, what do you tell your teenage daughter? Honey, I know that The Bucket is full on car hops and McDonald’s is on a hiring freeze. But hey, I heard Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club is taking applications. And they’re an Equal Opportunity Employer. You can use Mimi’s name as a reference.

While you’re catching your breath

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club Strippers In Rudimentary Negotiations With Milford Amalgamated Local 819 Representatives!!!!!!! Will Resume Talks At Coffee Cantina Conference Room Later In The Week!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Amalgamated 819 rep: ‘Everything is tentative at this point. We have advised our comrades to continue clocking in while we listen to the demands to present to management. Everything in good time.’”

And who the heck jumps up and down for joy to do a group photo session? They aren’t overjoyed that they won????

Ho hum, we kicked Loserville Learning Center’s (home of the Schmucks) butt in the ground but OH BOY WE’RE GOING TO ALL SIT AND STAND TOGETHER TO PRODUCE SOMETHING FOR THE YEARBOOK AREN’T YOU THRILLED MAN I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE THIS IN 20 YEARS I HOPE MY HAIR STAYS PUT I WOULDN’T KNOW WHAT TO TELL MY GRANDKIDS IF I HAD HAIR LIKE PHYLLIS DILLER ANYBODY HAVE ANY SPARE VO5 I’LL SETTLE FOR VIDAL SASSOON DRY HOLD C’MON LET’S GET THIS OVER WITH I’M HUNGRY AND THE BUCKET IS RUNNING A SPECIAL ON TATER TOTS AND LO CAL BANANA SPLITS DANG I HAVE NO MONEY DO YOU THINK MELISSA CAN SPARE A FIFTY????

The girl with the Rubik’s Cube hand has obviously never posed before. First time at the rodeo, I’m sure.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Officials At Milford Amalgamated Local 819 To Set Up Election Site For Determining Negotiating Team!!!!!!!!! Strippers Rep Optimistic For Future Bargaining In Good Faith!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club made record profits last year. We are confident they can afford pension plans.”

If ya is organizin’ cuz ya think ya make a lot fer the strip joint flashin’ them boobs that could pass fer gourds holdin’ about 28 gallons of water and shakin’ that 874-pound body in front of them horny patrons and ya got yore union card at the Milford Labor Temple just this past week, ya might be a redneck.

ARE YOU SERIOUS, THORPIVERSE????

I have mentioned this before, one of my favorite all-time movies was a foreign film, Europa, Europa (German for Europe, Europe) . It was a true story about a Jewish family who lived in Poland and were harassed by the Nazis and were eventually driven from their home. Solomon Perel was a son in the family and was on the run throughout the movie because of the war. His fluency in German and Russian enabled him to escape to safety many times and in fact, in one scene, he poses with these Germans who captured a Russian contingent and thereby compel a captured Russian commander to pose with them.
The photographer says it all: “Laechele!!!!!! (Smile!!!!!!!)!!! “

Lord, I hope Solly isn’t with that Russian commander in this photo but I’m not betting Gil’s ranch. As long as the plot is once again veering off in myriad direction, why not throw one more plot idea to the mix and try to develop them all before Christmas and end up maybe developing one or two but the others got stuffed back in the World Book Encyclopedia volumes for a later date, maybe when the planets align again?

Shoot, Gil is running from the Commies and needs to hide so his fluency in Swahili, Spanish, Serbo-Croat, German, Ukrainian, Tagalog, Urdu, Pig Latin, Vatican City Latin, French, Abyssinian, Chaldean, enables him to travel the globe and eventually set up temporary status in Milford as a volleyball coach. He proudly poses with the team and the captured arrogant Pakistani rebel leader and Democracy is restored for another week. Too bad anybody who spoke Urdu couldn’t spike.

Mimi reunited with her mom who dies a week later and they throw her ashes in Mudlark Lake after the funeral. Gotta bring closure to this one.

Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Mimi Thorp As Union Chief Of Milford Teacher’s Association To Endorse Organizing Activities For Strippers!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We believe the Go-Go Club will address areas of concern including fixing the leaky roof, with union roofers no less.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office one fine afternoon with Dr. Pearl air-guitarring “So Caught Up In You” by .38 Special

BRRRRRIINNNGGGGG

“Hello? No, I don’t believe she’s in. Yes, of course. Milford Amalgamated 819? Very well, I will relay that you need that photo of the Go-Go Club owner with Melissa Gordon. Yes, I’m sure it’s evidence at the bargaining table. Good-bye.”

And I could swallow this farce if the girls weren’t flashing their chicken claws, in front of a camera of all things. You talk about freak hands. If they are trying to display their Mudlark solidarity by brandishing their hand in several different formations, they are failing miserably. I’d believe it if that was LSU or the Lakers but any L-formations HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH AN M!!!!!!!!!! If we’re going to make up plots as we go, can we at least display the proper letter???? Milford Amalgamated 819 didn’t get to be a union pumping that G or P in solidarity. They might copycat Gil and wear those MTV logos on their shirts but you wouldn’t see omega or omicron or letters from the Cyrillic alphabet. As long as we are going to shake hands with Loserville High, let’s follow protocol all the way around.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Governor Rescinds Order To Send National Guard Troops!!!!!! Violence From Picketing At Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club Dies Down Quickly!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The Mayor’s office has remitted an arbitrator to air grievances and both sides have proven amiable to the arbitrator involved.”

Roger Penske, the genius behind many NASCAR/Indy 500 victories, once talked about how he had taken over a strongly unionized company where morale had hit the pits. He just went directly to the union, both sat down in a meeting room, hashed out the 2,000 grievances (maybe an exaggeration, maybe not) , he closed the doors, then started getting down to the real nitty-gritty. About eight hours later, they emerged with many of the differences resolved, agreeing to disagree on about 10-15 complaints. The union went home happy with their families, Penske turned a bad venture into a profitable company that stayed that way for years, and give-and-take won out another day.

At the Milford School Board bargaining session with the Milford Teacher’s Association, this one heard behind closed doors

“They want the rusted tackling dummies removed by union disposal services AGAIN????”

And of course, even though Cami Ochoa was supposed to be coaching the JV squad and we THINK this is a JV game (give benefit of the doubt) , Gil naturally chimes in unnecessarily. Yeah, go shake their hands, tell them about the Thanksgiving Luau at Milford Gym and be sure to tell them to show their student ID or the security guard won’t let them through and tell them to use AAA so they can get reward points on hotel accommodations and free towing in case their bus breaks down and tell them to rinse with Scope so they don’t spew out halitosis when they’re shaking hands after the match and tell them James Whitcomb Riley told them that the goblins will git ya if ya don’t watch out and be sure to register to vote so that El Salvador doesn’t take over this country and turn it into a dictatorship and tell them that Dr. Pearl says hello to Chumpville Academy’s principal and she hopes that his grandpa has recovered from syphillis.

That should cover it.

There was a Fame episode where one of the students gets a job on the Mr. Wacky Show, roughly like Bozo the Clown. This student plays Noodles, Mr. Wacky’s sidekick who becomes the brunt of Mr. Wacky’s jokes, from pies in the face to getting dunked in the water. At first, it was a lot of fun but as time wears on, the act is getting old fast. The student can only take so many pies.

When he finally tells Mr. Wacky “Thanks but no thanks”, Mr. Wacky reluctantly understands. He sends this student off with “Eat all your vegetables, don’t forget to change your underwear, sit up at the table, comb your hair before you leave school, etc.”

It is my honest belief that Mr. Wacky pretty much said all these things and more to Chumpville Academy, picking up where Gil left off (did you expect Cami to contribute anything???? She’ll learn) .

Nice portrait of Gil and Cami today. American Gothic 2022, I reckon. This is not helping the rift between Gil and Mimi but who cares?

Then there’s those ED commercials that brag they’re the best in the county. Yeah, buddy. Damn, Our county may be last in the state in literacy rate and we graduate only 30% from high school but by gum, we are the best at gettin’ our males up for the occasion. God, no wonder why Milford Mattress Outlet is brisk in sales.

Hmmmmmmm

At the Thorp Household one Saturday afternoon

“Mommy, why is Daddy getting in the car? Where is he going?”

Mimi halts her game of checkers with Jami and races out to the driveway

“GIL!!!!!!!! Where are you going????”

“Mimi, clear the driveway!!!!! I have a real sense of urgency!!!!!!”

“Oh Gil, if you’re having a heart attack, I’ll call 9-1-1-“

“HELL NO!!!!!!!!! I read where New Thayer was voted by the other Valley Conference members as having the best Men’s Clinic in the conference!!!!! I gotta get there before they close!!!!”

“Mommy, he said Goshen uses recycled needles to get him pumped up. And Milford Men’s Clinic makes him drop his trousers in front of a Milford Candy Striper nurse. Aren’t they too young?”

“If he drops his pants in front of ANY teenager, I’m going back to Mom at the Milford Advanced Adult Center. Gil, get out of the car and end this foolishness!!!!!”

“Mimi, when a ball player declares free agency, he goes where they pay him the most. The payoff has to be worth it. Ain’t no way this free agent is going to test the waters in Madison. They give you Motrin and you’re hardly harder than worms for fish bait. And they had to shut down the clinic in Oakwood. The Oakwood Health Department gave them citations for issuing serum that had been on the dashboard and exposed to the sun too long. And the mice chewed through the wiring on the EKG machine. This free agent wouldn’t test the toothpaste in the bathroom there. A man has to boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“Gil, you’ll be boldly going before the judge when I file the papers if you don’t get out of this car NOW!!!”

“Mommy, he said New Thayer Men’s Clinic also offered BOGO specials. Is he related to Pogo?”

“Keri, Sweetie, Daddy isn’t a fool. When I’m not getting my paycheck until next week, every little bit helps. Why pay for only one Blimpie Booster shot when you get the second one free? And when everything is done behind the curtain so some old lady in the next bed can’t see it driven in manually and anally, I’ll gladly drive the 7,573 miles to New Thayer to perform better under the sheets. I want to show Mommy what a man is like. He’s more than pinochle in bed.”

“Gil, this is embarrassing. The neighbors are looking. You’ve even got Mr. Kravitz humping the window-“

“Mommy, I want to go with Daddy. I want a Blimpie for me and my teddy bear-“

“JAMI, YOU’RE NOT GOING!!!!!!!! Gil, get-“

CHOKE CHOKE SPUTTER SPUTTER

“Mimi, did you forget to go to the mechanic to fix the gas filter?”

“Milford Men’s Clinic had a BOGO of their own anyway. Good thing because now I can double the pleasure when I hit the bed covers tonight. No more having to hide my problem and say to Mimi that I have a Bic pen anatomically attached to the rest of my body. With Blimpie Booster shots at affordable rates, come to Milford Men’s Clinic and create your story in bed tonight. Cinderella never had more fun. Only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

How many times Donau have to tell you, P3 was not seen at Milford Photography on the front window? That is not a family portrait. Where was Mimi, back at her mom’s place to watch her mom get a Blimpie?

But God bless you anyway.

Late Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Amalgamated Local 319 Reaches Tentative Agreement With Management At Milford Girls-A-Go-Go Club!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Amalgamated Rep: ‘Voting will take place right before Snake Handling Strip Night is scheduled to go on stage.”

At the Shaw Household one evening

“I am going to the voting session to show my solidarity and that’s final!!!!!!!”

“S’okay, I got all weekend.”

Sorry, Mel, but The Bucket has changed with the times, too. Used to be that fiddy you’re holding in that man hand of yours would buy dinner for a Mudlark starting lineup. Now it barely covers dinner for three.

Gentle readers, I’m getting more than a little nervous. It wasn’t enough that The Daily Cartoonist called yhs out a month ago; now we’re getting called out by The High Priest of Snark Himself, in a metapost no less. The tip o’ the hat should really go to our own Ned who, in addition to being the veteran of our rotation, is a regular commenter over at the ‘mudgeon. It was Ned who pointed out that Thursday’s strip – in which Gil told Mel he “shouldn’t have told her to get that abortion” back in ought-three – was intended by Barajas to read “Mel, I shouldn’t have told you not to get an abortion.” (This requires access to the oft-mentioned Discord channel, which I’ve signed up for and still haven’t found.)

Let’s put aside the possibility that The Chief deliberately changed up Barajas’ original dialogue for the moment. There’s no way a legacy comic strip artist would openly rebel against a new writer who’s throwing twenty-first century social issues at him Steve Spurrier Fun ‘n Gun style. Instead, let’s just parse it both ways:

a. Read prima facie, Gil told Mel on Thursday he “shouldn’t have told her to get that abortion.” Now Mel has Toby, and is supportive of Toby’s transition. She can tell Gil to GFH because she’s sticking by her kid no matter what.

b. Read as Barajas apparently intended, Gil was supposed to have told Mel on Thursday he “shouldn’t have told her not to get that abortion.” This reading would be consistent with Jenkins’ original 2003 story arc, in which Gil “swayed” Mel not to get that abortion. If Gil’s now suggesting that Mel should’ve gone through with that abortion, what does that say about Gil? The mind boggles. Mel can tell Gil to GFH many ways to Sunday.

Now Keri, Arianna, Toby and damn near everyone else in The Bucket is staring at the booth just vacated by Mel and in which Gil and Mimi sit speechless. (Why Toby isn’t looking in whatever direction Mel took off in is beyond me.) While neither Thorp parent is talking, Mimi’s body language is speaking volumes. Is she pissed that Mel didn’t serve Gil the divorce papers with that fifty like they planned? Talk amongst yourselves.

Oh, and if this is “doing the work” then I’m glad to be doing it.

Dont shed a tear for me

Well folks I dont know if Im wantin to analyze this strip as its apparently about some issue that was covered 19 years ago; talk about recycled panels. well we’ve got recycled storylines as well. Hopefully next week we’ll be covering something like football, or maybe Gil will take up pickleball as I’ve heard all the old geysers are doing. In the meantime here’s an old classic from Paul Carrack that I used to listen to when I was working at the news agency on the midnight shift.

Whoa, Hoss.

Gang, I will get this out of the way now so I can move on. Being a Christian, I am obviously against abortions. That said, I have always tried to be discreet talking about my religion or my favorite sports teams because I didn’t want to taint the things that I post. I have tried to stay as neutral as possible. Plus, nobody likes to be preached at any more than my getting puffy at people whenever my team wins and that I will never do.

I could not in good Christian conscience move on without briefly addressing the present plot. We make fun of Gil (Heck, we just want to mock him) but give credit to Berrill and lately Barajas for not shying away from controversy. When Berrill ruled, issues such as teen pregnancy, teen alcoholism, and people getting sent to the loony bin all surfaced at one time or another.

The present situation is no exception. We got a lot on the plate but, oh well, we’re big boys and girls. First off, Ladies and Gentlemen, please keep it in your pocket until marriage. Otherwise, my feelings are please consider adoption if anyone is caught in Melissa Gordon’s situation. Don’t start raising kids until you’re through being one yourself. Also, please do not harass people walking inside the abortion clinic. I may not approve of the procedure but I will not throw stones. As Jesus told the Woman at the Well “I’ve got a better way.” My feelings here.

Your comments and input are welcome, as they always are, but I would ask not to drag this out for six months. I’m just communicating my thoughts but intend to get back to the business of comedy. While I feel strongly about this issue, the readers deserve my very best, especially in terms of comedy, and that’s what I intend to give today and for however long the readership will keep supporting me. I am nothing without the readers. Point blank. I hope you understand.

I think it’s funny how we’re recycling an idea and trying to run with it for a while. But how long is “a while”? Though I am sympathetic to Melissa’s plight, is this a rerun that will keep spinning into the maze before Gil or The Minotaur pop out of a room? I think I recall The Minotaur making himself known on odd days on the calendar.

I just can’t imagine Schroeder approaching Charlie Brown and informing him that Linus has herpes and releasing this datum just before Christmas. This will be the rerun of A Charlie Brown Christmas for years to come? And Snoopy has fleas but don’t worry, Charlie Brown, the snow will kill them. And right before Milford Basketball Holiday Tournament, o boy.

And who ya gonna call when the ghosts are running rampant in your basement, kitchen, garage, bathroom closet, attic, boiler room, guest room, spare bedroom, wine cellar, in general, where Professor Plum slew the victim with a Knapp butter knife in the conservatory. Ghostbusters? In Milford?

Us Thorp veterans know there’s only one place to go when your toilet’s clogged or your daughter made a mistake. Gil’s office or Gil’s living room, depending on whether the kids are at day care. So P1 is just another day at the office for a man little-qualified to speak on the subject but when the Ghostbusters are in New Thayer zapping the demons off the Girls Softball diamond, Gilbusters it is.

I was befuddled by this message on an air pump at a rural gas station “Please help feed my family”. Just remember, the next time you are at Milford 7-11 airring up your flat tire, you are doing your part to keep a starving family from having to resort to Milford Soup Kitchen. By gum, if that isn’t America, what is? With that in mind

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Billionaire Philanthropist Ebenezer Punchkey To Donate Undisclosed Amount To Milford High School Athletic Fund!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sub headline

“Says at Milford Quarterback Club Kickoff Luncheon that he couldn’t have reached a higher tax bracket without the support of those using his air pumps at the different Milford Circle K locations. Says the quarters deposited in the slots funded his son’s room and board at Yale.”

Come to Knapp’s Convenience Store on Illinois 242, just south of Wayne City, Illinois. I was VERY impressed with how I was treated as a customer and they had customers going in and out all day long. Gang, I’d say they’re pretty darn busy and deserve to be. With great gasoline at great prices, even with inflation hitting our pocketbooks, this store knows how to run a business and it shows in many different ways. Did I tell you about their goodies? WOW. Get ya some, there’s plenty, from chips and sandwiches to cokes and coffee, plus plenty of candy bars for you sweet tooths out there. Take I-64 in Illinois, exit off Exit 100, go north a few hundred feet, and the Knapp’s Shell station is on your left. Baby, you can’t miss it unless you’re legally blind. Support this business, Gang, if you’re in the neighborhood, they deserve your patronage.

Support Small Business. Everybody needs to go where everybody knows your name.

As long as we’re being subjected to flashbacks, a little accuracy is in order. Kyle Gordon looks like Tobias Gordon, not the Flattop criminal with his trademark steamrolled hair, a rogue BTW that Dick Tracy used to pursue all over Milford. Kyle Gordon looked like Don Everly in the 2003 arc as I was rummaging through the panels. I thought that WAS Tobias until I saw the tapered edges indicating we are indeed turning back the clock. And Gil was dressed like a minister, not like the MTV shirt he is wearing in P1 that he evidently dragged out of the dresser drawer 19 years later to wear at The Bucket for the lunch date with Melissa. As long as we have to deal with Linus and his indiscriminate sexual practices resulting in herpes, let’s not have him dressed like Snoopy or Lucy. Accuracy is a plus at this juncture.
Oh, Gil, you look sexy in that priestly garb. Why don’t we elope and start a family?

Uhhhhhhh, no.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Air Pump Industries Takes A Moderate Dip On The Dow Jones This Quarter!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Stocks analysts point to better tire quality and fewer trips to Mudlark Lake Resort.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office, with “Don’t Misunderstand Me” by The Rossington Collins Band being performed by Dr. Pearl on her 1914 Jew’s harp

“Dr. Pearl, I just came in to inform you that True Standish is building a Tudor-style mansion after his air hose-vacuum stand at Milford Kwik-Pik took off. They can’t take enough quarters.”

“That’s grand!!! I always told Mr. Standish in my office to make something of your diploma when football has ended.”

That’s what makes it difficult to take this controversy so seriously, watching Melissa in P2 in her That Girl mode. Okay, so I got careless with Donald Hollinger on my way to an audition at Milford Playhouse. But sheesh, have you been wearing that same MTV shirt for 19 years? You need to worry about your own body before you worry about mine. At least I didn’t wear the same dress for 19 years when I left Brewster, New York, for Broadway. I’ll shop for my own bargains, thank you.

Oh, this has possibilities. Oliver Wendell Douglas doesn’t want to coach anymore so he buys Green Acres right on the Milford Township line and drags Lisa “I faked my Hungarian accent to satisfy Thorpiverse” Douglas along for the venture. Lisa will no longer shop at Times Square in Milford but will have to shop the nearest Wal-Mart in the Valley Conference. Oh, and take Tobias with her. Somebody needs to rake the hay on the cart. You think Gil Wendell Douglas was going to do it? He just bought Green Acres for the stature. It doesn’t mean he was going to drive the plow or send the animals to market. His players did the actual coaching, why not the actual farming?

Seen on the back of the Milford Enquirer

“Do you want to start your own business?

Milford Oil Conglomerates are seeking potential clients to service the air pumps, vacuum cleaners, and buffer machines at all its service station outlets.

Qualified candidates will possess at least a Bachelor’s Degree in Finance, Economics, International Trade, or Business Administration, with preferences given to Masters of Business Administration, particularly from Milford Community College School of Business Science & Industry Management. Classes in Algebra and Plane Geometry helpful and may decide the ideal candidate at the interview.

Must be friendly and personable with experience in management. Must be willing to deal with drive-offs. Must have what it takes to either discharge an employee who fails to live up to company standards or legally confront and issue summons to individuals defacing or impeding the normal operations of the equipment. Retaining an excellent attorney a must.

We offer free medical/dental coverage including free eyeglasses to first 250 applicants, travel expenses per diem/per mile, not including company car, 401(k), Short Term and Long Term Disability, free parking, 10% discount at all Milford Oil Conglomerates locations, plenty of opportunities for advancement in a growing industry.

If you feel you don’t harbor these qualities for a successful career at Milford Oil Conglomerates, let’s not waste each other’s time. Otherwise, call 1-800-PUMP-$$$ to set up an appointment for a career that will lift you to the stars, not to mention out of the convenience store parking lot.”

At the Pearl stately manor one afternoon

“Honey Bunches, Lily Sop, Moptop Mayflower full of Marigold Bliss, what is going out front? Why is Oliver Wendell Thorp riding on a tractor?”

“Oh, I needed somebody cheaper to beautify my lawn. He and Lisa Mimi Thorp will be pulling the weeds in the flowerbed later. I won’t be compelled to drive to the ATM anymore to pay my laborers.”

Why was it not surprising that Controversy of the Week involved an exploding eyeball? Darn, we were going to snap a losing string but it took digging into the vaults to keep the eyes popping out of socket alive and well. Mel might as well be spitting in Coach’s face the way she keeps shooting that eyeball the same way she’d be firing off a six-shooter.

And why is Coach Thorp smiling? Whoa hoss indeed. Oh, I was just laughing at the way Kyle’s Everly Brothers hairdo metamorphed into your future son’s hair. Sometimes going through the time tunnel can induce some glitches. Thank God Kyle didn’t wind up with a Ringo coif. It might have made matters worse. I couldn’t imagine Tobias walking around with a Conway Twitty hairline. What would anybody at the Grand Ole Opry say?

So THAT’S why Coach Thorp was smiling. Kyle Gordon was making a laughable effort to wear hair like Porter Waggoner. Man, put a Breeze towel over your head, Kyle.

Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. To Purchase Air Pump Franchise At Three Milford Circle K’s!!!!!!!!!!!! Sees Potential Upswing During The Recession!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“People needing to inflate that flat tire to get to work, we’ll take America by storm.”

Let me first off say that P3 is said to be a typo that Henry Barajas wanted to clear up which makes sense, given what I read in the original storyline involving Gil, Mel, and Kyle Gordon. Gil never told Melissa to have an abortion, in fact, was doing everything to prevent one, including having her stay at the Thorps to accentuate their concern.

That out of the way, I thought it was funny when Melissa did get situated at the Thorps that later on, she tried to come onto Gil because she had a crush on him. Having been a teacher in a private school, I can say from experience that it happens, TRUST ME. This one girl was so hot and heavy for me, she one day tried to kiss me in the hallway. Anybody who teaches knows that’s the kids of death in the profession. My butt would’ve been shown the door, fired in disgrace. I ALWAYS kept my distance with the kids. You have to. I can honestly say I prided myself on staying on the pedestal because that’s where kids and parents want you. You are a model of authority whether you want to be or not. Face it, I felt uncomfortable rolling in the mud with the masses. Understandably so.

And fortunately Mimi caught on and basically said if I catch you making a move on my husband again, you’ll be sleeping at Milford Shelter House. I looked on the bright side on that one. It could’ve been Corinavirus trying to shove Mimi out of the way for Gil’s hand. At least it was an athlete so sports still remains the topic albeit at a stepchild status.
Look on the bright side. If Gil ever dumps Mimi for Corinna Karenna, they can always hire Nick’s Pizza and Jay’s Subs for the catering at the reception.

“We’ll be back to see if Tobias ever found his mom’s eyeball under the coffee table at the Thorp household after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“I have always had dreams of being a mother but at 878 pounds, this was not in the cards for me. Greetings, this is Mabel Ruth Pearl, granddaughter of Dr. Pearl, and when I was considered breeding stock for the walruses at Milford Petting Zoo, I knew my life had to change.
Thank Heavens the medical team at Milford Liposuction Academy were at the ready to deal with my obesity. They had the knowledge and common sense and the medical equipment to distinguish between when I was pregnant and when I was grossly overweight due to an excess distribution of cheeseburgers.
I had to answer a few questions and I must confess that it was challenging to respond to ‘How long since the last time you opened a bag of Birdseye Frozen Peas?’ I was tempted to answer ‘At the time of Seward’s Folly’ but knew it was sooner than that. I was given a Good Job button for trying.

After I pee’d the equivalent of the South Platte River into a Dixie cup, I was led into a room where they performed a CAT-scan, an MRI, an EKG, a Rorschach Test, Pap smear, 1,563,906 X-rays, some blood tests to check for sickle-cell anemia and whooping cough, colonoscopy, and even checked my pulse. I was Timex and my bed took a licking but I still kept on ticking. They also took my temperature. Important so that you’re not afflicted with fever when you’re attempting to drain the lard off your Gluteus Maximus. I took two Flintstones Chewables and was promptly put to sleep.
My doctor had learned a new procedure where I was injected with a tube that enabled these laser wires to penetrate my abdomen and melt the blubber afflicting my large intestine, small intestine, duodenum, coccyx, parietal gland, sweat gland, spleen, appendix, liver, aorta, bicuspid valve, mitral valve, lower ventricle, carotid artery, coronary artery, medulla oblongata, cerebrum, cerebellum, frontal lobe, temporal lobe, cochlea, retinae, Eustachian tube, optic nerve, vitreous humor, Fallopian tube, tympanic membrane, plus some missed spots in my ulna bone. The laser technology didn’t overlook any details in the Star Wars waged in my person. I could snore in peace.
They also checked for cancer as obesity is sure to be aid and abet this ravaging disease. The technology from the Cancer Divesting Roentgen monitor gave me assurance that those carcinogens weren’t going to engineer unwarranted activity once my weight was subdued and I could put on a jacket without having to borrow the tarp from some Minor League stadium. This mechanism has been board-certified by Milford Oncology Institute and the Milford Chiropractic Alliance so again, I was in La La Land self-assured the Boogie Man wasn’t coming out of the cotton candy machine.
When I awoke, I felt thinner and I was down to 185 pounds. I could actually bend over, doing it privately in case any medical staffer had any ideas of violating their professional ethics. I could slam dunk a Nerfball once again. I could then begin to think about having children. Just think, my kids wouldn’t turn me in to the circus, claiming one of the people elephants escaped again. Life was grand.

But you need not take me at face value. Come to Milford Liposuction Academy and exorcise your own blubber demons and experience the wonders of being light as a feather. As for I, my 2.3 children are waiting on the horizon, just as soon as I make that last payment to the loan officer on my last car. Life will be Cheeseburgers in Paradise indeed.”

Thank you again for understanding. I have found that getting things out in the open is the key to dialogue. Richard Nixon once said that when negotiating SALT settlements with the Soviet Union, if all you talk about is the weather, nothing will get settled. I agree.

God bless you, Gang.

“There she goes again

Walking down the street, My Friend…”

“Mommy, why is that fat lady dancing The Charleston? And what is Velvet Underground?”

“Oh look, Keri, the circus came to town. Use my season pass.”

More Pronoun Trouble

Football season! Volleyball season!

Here we go again, but it’s not a dispute as to whether sportsball should take precedence over non-sportsball extracurriculars but the modern problem of remembering what pronouns people choose to identify themselves. Today, Toby née Tabatha identifies as he/him, Keri identifies as they/them, and Gil identifies as coach/Coach.

Now why are these three having this little confab at The Bucket of all places? (And why are they having coffee? Don’t they know there’s a cantina in town for that?) Are they here to pick up them after their postgame dinner? Are they serving as their chaperones for said dinner? Is it time for a jangle-off as Mel and Mimi see who can rattle their jewelry the loudest? Winner gets Gil – if she wants him, that is.

The unspoken tension here is so thick you could cut it with a butter knife, not unlike the one Mimi’s twisting into Mel as she deadnames Toby. Clearly she hasn’t forgotten that Mel wanted to be her at one time. Meanwhile Gil, still aware of that history and that Mimi is unhappy in the marriage, tries to play the supportive husband by throwing out a patronizing “sweetie.” Will Mimi have the divorce papers served publicly to Gil right here in The Bucket, the way Jason Sudeikis had Olivia Wilde served with custody papers while she was presenting at CinemaCon?

One thing is clear: despite Mel’s claim, in Milford, nothing is the same as it was.

edit: Oops! I forgot to identify the players from the Dolphins’ No-name Defense I posted this past Saturday!

Front, reclining: Lloyd Mumphord, CB

Front row, left to right: Bob Matheson, LB; Bill Stanfill, DE; Bob Heinz, DT; Manny Fernandez, DT; Vern Den Herder, DE

Center: Nick Buoniconti, LB

Back row, left to right: Dick Anderson, SS; Curtis Johnson, CB; Mike Kolen, LB; Doug Swift, LB; Tim Foley, CB; Jake Scott, FS

It’s Been A Billion + Over 60 Years For The Rest Of Us.

First off, kudos to Henry Barajas for the plotline involving a more mature Keri and the realistic scenario surrounding her. Typical teenager comes to mind.

That said, I think it’s interesting that we’re returning to The Bucket as the Dumping Site du Jour after spending much time drowning our blues away at Milford Lounge or the Generic Possible Valley Conference City Airport Watering Hole or Coffee Cantina. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t see Gil bitching to Mimi over a Cafe Espresso Cashew Nut Flavored Rhubarb Supreme about Corina Karenna spiking using her pinkie at Coffee Cantina, then Luke Loser y su esposa appear out of the cream potato soup bowl and call Gil a $&@#%*+less loser. Then su esposa kiss the waiter. TWIM has its limitations, Thorpiverse.

And is this what’s going to happen here? Keri unwinding and discussing the highs and lows of the aforeplayed match, then Luke Loser’s son approach Keri and Tobias and say “Keri, daughter of that $&@#^*+less loser, tell that $&@#%*+=less loser that I haven’t forgotten our golf date at Milford Country Club. And tell that $&@#%^+*less loser to make sure the golf cart has a good battery in it. I don’t want the tow truck coming out when I’m chipping in on #9. And I ain’t kissing here. I’ll save that for when my wife kisses the golf attendant’s butt when I’m short on the greens fees. Tell your brother I said ‘Hi’. I ain’t kissing him either.”

Then I am bracing myself for Keri’s comment.

“I’m surprised we won.”

Keri, you have a lot to learn. Aside being the answer to what Keri would look like on a milk carton in an age-progressed photo (answered in P3) , she is obviously oblivious to the last 1,000,000,060 (give or take an eon) years. What team from Milford is EVER going to reach Charlie Brown’s All Star status? Yeah, Milford might lose a few but NEVER is it going to leave Lucy in the outfield instead of at point guard for the Lady Mudlarks or Schroeder at catcher rather than shout obscenities and gibberish like Vic Doucette did a while back. Losing might happen but not if it endangers the existence of Milford. The 7 castaways get rescued and get on with their lives? The ratings would plummet. Yeah, Gilligan becomes a male stripper at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club and The Skipper becomes a bartender at Milford Lounge. The Professor teaches Algebra at the school Coronavirus is attending. Mr. and Mrs. Howell donate $1,000,000,060 to the Milford Athletic Fund. They name the gym Thurston III and Eunice “Lovey” Howell Memorial Family Life And Convocation Hall. Ginger and Luke Loser run off into another conference because Ginger kisses better and Mary Ann becomes a team leader in the Slaughterhouse Department at the Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage plant.

I’m seeing a problem here.

No, Keri, I’m more surprised that Tobias walked in the court on what looked like a match that was just about to finish or had just finished. Then again, maybe not. We’ve had Homo Sapiens taking liberties with game protocols (again, Vic Doucette comes to mind-remember those semi-conversations when Doug “can’t spell NASCAR” Guthrie was playing?) so I really shouldn’t have been shocked when Tobias got dumped by his mom and Tobias had to go SOMEWHERE to barge in, why not a volleyball match? Gil isn’t coaching and it’s Ochoa’s debut. Perfect timing. Now Ochoa may eventually tell Tobias to get off the frickin’ court until the match is over but let’s not rush things. Let’s let Tobias track his muddy shoes on the court, get smacked in the nose by a spike from New Thayer or Goshen, get in the ref’s face over a bad net call, throw popcorn at the Madison server when no one’s looking, then rape Keri in broad daylight, after which Gil and Cami lecture Tobias on proper volleyball fan ethics, sometime in November. It’s not whether you win or lose but how you play the game. Okay, it doesn’t fit but Gil’s had a lot of square-peg-in-round-hole aphorisms before and Cami needs to learn the ropes.

I swear to God, this was on a marquee at some Comfort Inn location

“We are a pet-friendly place. Except for bears. We won’t make that mistake again.”

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Mimi Thorp’s Mother Charged With Misdemeanor At Milford Adult Center-Up North Annex!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Charges will be dropped if promptly attended to. Mimi’s cousin agrees to send his dump truck to haul off damaged contents.”

What is it with the artwork? Okay, we can get adjusted to Keri as a teenager and Jami as in his pre-Clearisil years but no way can I get adjusted to Keri looking like Bazooka Joe chopped up Mort with a machete and Mort telling Bazooka Joe what a cut-up he is. The joke is not only not worth the bubble gum wrapper they printed it on but the violence is a bit out of place, kinda like Tobias dropping in and throwing a chair like Knight did in the Purdue game. Whoa, look out for that office seat whizzing by you, Keri. BTW, wanna go to The Bucket? My treat.
Then has Death made its presence known in P1? Or are they using The Bucket for Pet Shop Boys’ “It’s a Sin” video? I don’t THINK that’s Central’s Volleyball coach. Everybody else looks as if they belong to the Human Race, a bit debatable for a person or two but willing to give the benefit of the doubt if we’re going the Featherless Biped route. I can safely say that that’s a car parked in the parking lot. Mr. Death may need a jump if that’s his car so I left the cables in the trunk.

And I’ll go out on a limb here. That is not The Tennis Racket. Keri, Mr. Death, Tobias the Chair Thrower, et al are at The Bucket. With a capital B.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Avoids Eviction From Milford Luxury Condo Suites!!!!!!!!!! Agrees To Order By Condo Manager!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“He will ship pet bear via Milford Delivery Express to Milford Petting Zoo today.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office, with John Coltrane’s “A Love Supreme” out of her lava lamp on the desk

“I checked with the Valley Conference Commisioner. He said he has no problem with Tobias tripping the Tilden server. It was judged an accident when he dropped the drumstick.”

“I need a report on the findings by this afternoon, Coach Thorp. Make sure it’s notarized.”

And of course, Keri, like the rest of the family gets dubious credit for winning the match. True she made a kill that sealed the match but I’ll need more evidence before we start throwing around MVP effort. But ain’t it like Thorpiverse to watch the slaves pick all the cotton and the plantation owner get Milford Businessman of the Year when he or she was playing golf on the Milford Country Club grounds 99% of the time. Oh, I’ll give them a couple of cotton T-shirts at Christmas to shut ‘em up.
I have no doubt that Keri had something to do with the victory. But I’m not giving her game ball yet.

Besides, what is this with “Sis”? I suppose they’re teammates and teammates support each other but I don’t reckon this particular female will not be sharing bunks in Keri’s bedroom tonight. I realize that the more you hang out with each other, the closer you get and become that much more of a team. I just really don’t think this female will be using Keri’s toothbrush tomorrow or drinking out of Gil’s shot glasses from the Jack in his liquor cabinet. Coach Mimi, can I keep this post card of your mother when she was in a one piece down at Naples Beach in 1896? I think we should take this one slow.

The comedy keeps coming. In my checking out of Roger Miller (“King of the Road-REM did a rendition of that on “Dead Letter Office”) on the Internet, I saw where you could refine your search to “How tall was Roger Miller?”. I have lost valuable sleep over that one. I also refined searches for “What laxative did Ray Price use when he was constipated on tour?” and “What kind of wood was Bill Monroe’s garage made out of?”. Shoot, I’m still waiting for the answer to “Did Coach Thorp date Minnie Pearl before he shipped off to the Marines?” Anyway

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Roger Miller To Appear For One Night At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater On His ‘Dang Me They Ought To Get A Rope And Hang Me For Showing My Face In Mudlarkland’ Tour!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Questions at press conference about his sexual preferences were deferred through his agent.”

The artwork continues to disappoint in P2. No way can you draw Keri as if she were one of Captain Kirk’s enemies on a Star Trek episode. Well, gotta run, I need to go antagonize Dr. Spock and Dr. McCoy some more. Maybe they can remove this tumor on my head.

Really, she could be growing sweet potatoes out of her left ear and I doubt she would notice, given her rapt attention to her Bucket Shake with a straw only a stick figure would slurp out of plus her friend who used the mop head from the janitor’s room to cover the zits on her scalp. I mean, if I wanted to watch Shrek 5: His Marriage With A Bucket Car Hop, I’d have bought the video.

I am going to go out on a limb and say that that’s a Bucket waitress to the left in P2. Not too many volleyball players or conventioneers would wear a back brace when they were ordering Bucket Cole Slaw. I think I’m safe in my prognostication for now. I’m pretty sure Dr. Pearl doesn’t use when she bends down to get to the lower shelves of the file cabinet. I can soldier on.
But dang, those pants are a little high. Is there a flood anywhere? We might have to use Keri’s friend’s mop top to absorb the moisture if it gets down to cases. Drain any excess in Mop Head Girl’s Janitor in a Drum cup. Talk about a tall one. You could stick a whole six-pack in that container.

“…you can’t roller skate in a buffalo herd, but you can show at our match if you put your mind to it…”

“I have a tele-conference meeting with all the Valley Conference principals this afternoon.”

Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Shaw Turned Down As Rhythm Guitarist At Upcoming Roger Miller Concert!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“He had trouble whistling on ‘England Swings’. It might have been the Chic-Lets.”

The close-up in P3 is not much of an improvement. I have dispelled the notion that Keri is a distant cousin to Shrek or Frankenstein (the monster, not the doctor) but still am less and less impressed with the art. I really don’t think it’s a good idea to dump peat moss and/or fertilizer on Tobias or Keri and call that a hairstyle. You’ll be having to pull weeds out of Keri’s hair if this trend continues. At this point, Keri and Tobias are the only humans to hit the Lawn and Gardening Department at Wal-Mart for all their shampoo needs. Forget Head & Shoulders. More like Humus & Compost.
The freak hands make their presence known for the umpteenth time. Keri, if you need a file to eliminate the wrinkles, I heard True Value Hardware was running a sale. The saving grace is the earrings. I think we do have a matching number if you assume the object on her right ear could be a fly that was buzzing around. Then I believe we can call it even.
But what is “heh”. Oh, the joke bombed but Mommy and Daddy told me to fake laughing even if the person’s humor rivaled Dr. Pearl’s opening anecdotes at the Valley Conference Football Media Day. Roll over in laughter and you might even make the varsity.

Gang, these ED commercials keep coming and I keep laughing. Now one place has a urology facility within the ED clinic. Oh joy oh joy, I’m not having sex properly because I can’t urinate straight. I was wondering why I didn’t have any emergency trips to the bathroom when I was munching on a Totino’s Pepperoni. With that in mind

At a Milford Fish & Wildlife Area outhouse

“That’s the tenth cup of water I had!!!!!!!! I oughta be peeing any minute now!!!!!!! I’ll be hornier than the loblolly pines around the entrance!!!!!!!!”

“Honnnnneeeyyyyyyy, I’m horrrnnnnnnyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!! Open the door and let my love groooowwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“I’ve got this door dead-bolted, Mrs. Shaw!!!!!!! I won’t let a chipmunk come in here and watch a man do what he’s got to do!!!!!!!”

“Honey, I know you’re having problems with hardness of the situation but why are you at an outhouse where all the mosquitos are buzzing on the screen?”

“Woman, you are WRONG!!!!!!!!!!! I do not have ANY problems with my best friend rising to the occasion!!!!!!!!! All it needs is TLC like you do when you water your plants and talk to them.”

“Darling, except I don’t think it’s a good idea to talk to your wee wee or feed it plant food.”

“But if I eat eight bowls of chili and some cinnamon pancakes and a dab of Frank’s Hot Sauce and wash it down with a ton of water, I’ll be crying me a river and driving home the point, all under the sheets!!!!!!!”

“I was wondering why there were Dasani bottles all around the outhouse.”

“By gum, Mrs. Shaw after I devour this take-out order from The Diner of Meat Loaf Au Jus w/ Mashed Potatoes Smothered In Gravy & Mayonnaise plus some Rhubarb Cobbler a la Mode, I’ll be stinkin’ up the outhouse with poop and thereby freeing my urinary tract and I’ll be on my way to Sexual Nirvana. I understand it’s how the Hindu religion gets released from that merry-go-round they’ve been ridin’ on since the Holy Wars. If the facility reeks, it’s a good sign my best friend has been liberated.”

“Wheeeewwwww!!!!!!!!! I think he got set free twenty minutes ago.”

“Ya see???? It works!!!!!!!! Give me another hour and you can do log roll contests on my best friend. I still have a Cheese Hamburger Helper plate to finish up so I can nuke the wildlife area with my flatulations.”

“They may cause some animals to go extinct.”

“Oh well, I was going to hunt ‘em anyway. Now clear out so I can swallow this turnip salad and continue my quest for conquests.”

“Wheewwwwwww!!!!!!!!! I shall not argue. BTW, the Park Ranger is closing the gates in ten minutes.”

“What could I do? I dumped the turnip salad down the well, zipped my pants, and headed out before I got trapped with the rest of the coyotes. But I still had a problem. Milford Men’s Clinic showed me how to overcome my problems without having to eat the Blue Plate Special at K-Mart. With proven treatments by competent staff members, isn’t it time you skipped the cafeteria line and got your butt down to The Clinic. Get your best friend working for you with having to take Rolaids, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

That’s the 1,000,000,001th time I have had to tell you, Keri doesn’t look like Pat Benatar. Keri may join a band one day but one volleyball match at a time.

But God bless you, Gang.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford City Ordinance Enforces Code At Thorp Household!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The bear feces in the front yard were getting harder not to notice.”

At Milford Nudist Colony

“Mommy, why is Dr.Pearl wearing roller skates and dancing with Daddy? And who’s Roger Miller?”

“Uhhhhhh, here Keri, here’s a volleyball. Go practice your digs some more on the wall out back.”