Baseball, Mount Rushmore, and Magic Marker Trees, Americana At Its Finest.

Does Gil need to take a dump in P1? I know he eats a lot of Taco Bell Egg-and-Steak Fried Bean Chocolate Burritos before a game to relieve the stress. Hey, I feel ya, Coach. There should be a Port-o-Let right outside the door that Luhm unbolted for the Spring. I feel like we’re watching Kaz and Fred Sanford walking down the hallway to the game. You hear that Mimi? This is the big one. But Coach, next time, use your walker.

And we wait in anticipation for the upcoming season. It sounds like these two gentlemen are fired up although they will in all likelihood disappear from the landscape before too long. Maybe that’s why they’re all fired up. They won’t be involved in the controversy. Lately, Corina’s played the role of removing the grime and the slime from the day-to-day operations and keep the (insert season) team from attaining Nirvana or a happy ending, whichever comes first. Maybe that’s why Katy Brito has been inserted into the scenario. Oh, c’mon, did you honestly think the Reference Lady Who’s Dr. Pearl’s Twin was going to play the role of sludge remover? I didn’t see a shovel begind her desk.

But hey, they’re walking out the door Into The Great Wide Open. Two rebels without a clue, as Tom Petty once mentioned. It must be nice to coach from the dugout in your Levi’s. No better way to establish presence with the kids than to make an emphatic fashion statement. I just hope the VO5 holds up. Spring days that look like Winter are just killers on the spray-painted hair.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Slated To End Impasse Over Community Service Brouhaha Sometime In The Afternoon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I told the Judge and the jury that I’ll do Bullwinkle and Boris but ain’t no way I know how to yell like a rhino when I’M bein’ pulled out of a hat.”

Gang, remember that “Oops, I Crapped My Pants!!!!” Diaper sketch on SNL? I think Gil is wearing one today. That’s right, Coach, before you disappear for another season, don’t let the kids see you transitioning after you’ve worked out at Generic Gym from a jock strap to Fruit of the Looms you could pour Hawaiian Punch Cherry Mix into. Just let it be our little secret, Coach. Good news is that if you blow a wad that could fill the Grand Canyon and be an EPA Emergency Hazard to the Colorado River down below, you’ll have a safety net that could catch Lulu and Junior Samples if they were to jump out of the third floor of the Milford Federal Building when thry were cashing their checks they earned from Hee Haw. I know people get old and face the facts, Gil is over 60 but I never thought he was ready to wear underwear that could pass for a trampoline should the circus comes to town. But nothing has dripped all over the hallway nor the 3rd base coach’s box so we should be safe for now.

And what is Kaz caterwauling about? Was he hibernating in his classroom? It doesn’t have windows? Was he teaching geography with stalagmites all around the room? Did the Yeti make an occasional appearance after hiding in the Himalayas? Was he talking about European capitals in Mammoth Cave? Kaz, you must have come in this morning and seen the weather all around you. Were you expecting it to transition from North Pole to Miami Beach in 2 hours? I mean, you can’t wear “Oops, I Crapped My Pants!!!!” for brain lock. Ain’t no way I’m expecting Luhm to mop up the stuff that dripped out of your head. We might have you take that small Dixie cup, head to the faculty bathroom and take a urine test once you’ve deposited a sufficient amount from your cranium. We are drug-free at Milford, Coach. Have you been living in a cave?

If ya use “Oops, I Crapped My Pants!!!!” as a dipstick rag cuz yore bloodhounds chew up all the rags in yore garage, ya might be a redneck.

Folks, do we REALLY need to be reminded of what Easter Island looks like? I couldn’t imagine flying on this plane from Chile 1000 miles west and land on this inky-dinky parlez-vous island in the middle of the South Pacific with a neighboring island a million miles somewhere else that Napoleon got exiled to only to see Kaz’s mug next to this gigantic Neo-Lithic Herman Munster visage with all the tapirs running around searching for ants. Talk about a tourist trap.

And it looks like the trees crapped their pants and are positioning their droppings towards Gil’s and Kaz’s heads. How many trees actually reach 1000 feet, speaking of Mount Rushmore? Do they use the tree growing out of Gil’s head as a spare antenna when a wayward plane knocks over the WDIG tower? I think King Kong dragged Fay Wray up the tree growing out of Kaz’s head. Oh wait, it’s 45 degrees and not a cheery cloud in the sky. King Kong wouldn’t terrorize the city of Milford on an overcast day, would he? When Zane is about to make his debut after throwing at that stick-figure redwood 1000 times. Don’t rain on the corn pone script, King Kong.

Yes, South Dakota, in the interest of promoting tourism, will allow Old Man of the Mountain, er, Kaz’s face to remain in its proper stste in the Badlands. No why would you want to remove an Institution wannabe? If the tourists are snapping their cameras and pouring in money at the souvenir shop for shirts and coffee mugs with prairie dogs shooting out of The Kaz, who cares if it’s a tourist trap?

In the New Hampshire Tourist Bureau Headquarters office one afternoon

“I don’t care what the Governor says, The Old Kaz On The Mountain must be restored to its proper state. People are shifting their tourist dollars over to Vermont. Nobody brings a Polaroid to Mount Mansfield.”

And another thing, why were we surprised when Coach Kaz was less than enthusiatic about the weather? Okay, I remember when I went to my local university baseball game and a friend of mine was getting disgusted with the umpiring because he felt like the crew were trying to get the game over ASAP because of the thirty-degree weather. Finally, on a questionable strikeout of the hometown batter, my friend yelled out “C’mon, ump, it ain’t THAT cold!!!!!!!!!!!” Kaz, you’re not in Antarctica. If you don’t like coaching baseball, go to Mammoth Cave as a park ranger. Lord knows you’ve had plenty of practice hiding from reality.

Darn, he doesn’t have Barry Bader to throw around like a rag doll or through the ropes like Harley Race doing a number on Freezer Thompson. When the National Wrestling Alliance atmosphere is removed, whattya know, YOU GOTTA COACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It shouldn’t be too hard, Kaz. Just walk to this structure called the dugout. Of course with Gil in the front, that’s like the blind leading the blind but you gotta start somewhere. And those people wearing powder blue shirts are called umpires. Just a word of warning: They hate games being interrupted by Nick’s Pizza or Jay’s Subs or invasion by extraterrestrial beings. It’d be advisable to call ahead of time and tell them to come AFTER the game. E.T. or the Kanamits really need to invade on their own time.

Otherwise, get a rule book, watch some videos, and go to coaching clinics. I’m sure the Valley Conference sponsors them. And the reference librarians can point the way to the video library. I’m almost sure of it.

Ooooooookkkkkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back with intentions to restore order. Have at it, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooooooooo dumb (HOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought that Old Kaz On The Mountain fell off the mountain because it _______________________.”

MARTY’S BACK!!!!!!!!!!! This Vic “I’m Not Lisa And DEFINITELY Not Marty” Doucette substitution for Marty “I Got Thrown In The Dumpster For A Teenager Who Did Nothing In His Chevy Van After 60 Loyal Years Of Service” Moon just simply didn’t work. I was once watching a nail-biter between Indiana and Michigan at Crisler Arena, Michigan’s home court, when Bob Knight was coach at Indiana and Bill Frieder was coach at Michigan and the Wolverines were playing great basketball but got burned numerous times on back-door cuts, reflecting a bit of Frieder’s disorganization. Michigan lost by one point, squandering two excellent opportunities to win the game and the Michigan fans understandably were howling for Frieder’s head. Can’t blame ’em as Steve Fisher took over at the end of the season and his patient, better-structured style struck a chord with players like Glen Rice and they went on to win the National Championship.

Anyway, there were signs all over Ann Arbor with not-surprisingly unkind notes about Coach Frieder like “Fire Frieder” and “Hi Mom!!! Send Money And A New Coach!!!!!” But the clincher that I thought was hilarious was “We Hate Knight But At Least He Can Coach”. And that’s how I feel about Marty Moon. He’s a snake-in-the-grass but, by God, he’s OUR snake-in-the-grass. Relegating Marty to cameo status was like having Ward Cleaver calling on the Batphone whenever The Joker was in Milford and Commissioner Gordon only showing up at Bruce Wayne Foundation events to propose a toast. Good to see Marty back in the booth. I mean, c’mon, Marty does a better job of running over Gil and Mimi like a lawn mower. Vic can’t even get a prom date unless it’s a whole herd of buffalo. Do you REALLY want a teenager who couldn’t take Tessi to Milford Square Dance Club Bingo Night criticizing Gil’s hit-and-run moves that backfire in the late innings? Lambasting Gil’s pitching changes when the bases are loaded and Milford leading, 21-4? Arguing with Coach Kaz over who’s going to put the equipment on the bus after the game?

At the Valley Principal’s Seminar

“Oops, I crapped my pants. I’ll be right back.”

“That’s the 5th time today that Dr. Pearl has walked out. I knew we shouldn’t have served that Spiced Spaghetti and Zucchini at lunch.”

Don’t Worry, Luhm, Zane Isn’t Horning In on Your Turf

Okay, so the young lady with the tendrils hanging down isn’t a teacher but a fellow student, Priya (no last name yet), and this isn’t an academic class but a senior class meeting. I don’t recall what gets done in these meetings: cap and gown ordering, picking a class song or theme, deciding who’s “most likely to succeed” or “wittiest” or some other “superlative,” choosing a class trip and a prom theme, etc., usw. Really, just a bunch of stuff to pad your resume when applying to colleges, and there’s always that kid who takes it just a little too seriously and makes it uncomfortable for most everyone else involved. Here, Priya is that kid.

Among the suddenly dumped upon us exposition is that Zane has somehow managed to get himself elected senior class vice president. With everything that’s going on at home it’s hard to imagine how he would’ve run for and, if he won, agreed to serve in that role. Maybe that it serves as another form of therapy is what kept Zane from going all General Sherman on the Milford High Class of 2021.

Obviously Katy Brito doesn’t care if Priya’s nose is out of joint. Nor does Zane for that matter. Only When Abel Brito Charlie Delta sticks his nose in will things get truly snippy.

Gofigurethisone.

Zane Clark has entered our lives with questionable baggage, thankfully none that would suggest he did anything to earn bunkmate status with Mr. Bader. It is still quite annoying to imagine his absence from baseball and he’s been throwing through this used Toyo tire hanging off an elm tree in his back yard. Then he looks at his Seiko and goes “Shut my mouth and call me corn pone, it’s my senior year. I better get to Coach Thorp’s office before I go to Milford Photography for my senior picture!!!!!! If I’m lucky, he might put me in long relief!!!!!!!!!!”

And what was his dad doing to earn disability? I’m exploring the possibilities. Right now, I have this vision of a man who has this tool box and body shop equipment and he throws out his back attempting to straighten out the car behind the building that Gil and Gofundme are pretending to be pumping iron (don’t throw out your back, Gil, on that 10-pounder, while we’re talking about safety with body parts) . That’s right, Zane’s dad did not use the tow truck to line out the vehicle to its rightful form, instead opting to rely upon his brute strength and a chain and might have still been able to pull off this minor miracle if he hadn’t have slipped on a grease spot in the parking lot and thereby saved the artist needless ridicule for vehicles that would still look that way even he didn’t bother with this risky fait d’accomplait. So now we’re stuck with lousy vehicle Pollack Expressionism and a father on welfare. Oh, but Zane will be the Valley Conference MVP, get signed by the Dodgers, being a Bonus Baby and the plot will right itself. Dudley Do-Right strikes again, only in Milford.

Speaking of Dudley, the voice of him and Bullwinkle was portrayed by Bill Scott, a highly successful veteran voice actor and comedian (Rocky the Squirrel was voiced by a fellow veteran voice actress and comedienne, June Foray, BTW) . When the show was conceived, Scott, who had a hand in the scriptwriting for the show, asked the producer who was going to voice Bullwinkle. The producer replied matter-of-factly “I thought you knew. You.” With that in mind

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. To Appeal Community Service Sentence!!!!!!!!!!!! Talks To Cochran Legal Team Exploring His Options!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I don’t know how to talk like a moose. What’s the judge expect, me to sit in Milford Fish & Wildlife Area and do mating calls with a foghorn?”

Here’s another theory. Zane’s dad is now unable to work because he was at war, armed with his Cub Cadet SC 300 hw walk-behind mower, with a mass of trees, such as the mass looming behind the avant-garde Art Nouveau-designed vehicles in P1. It was a valiant effort but there was no magician such as in Fantasia when Mickey Mouse had created a Frankenstein and could do nothing to halt the progress of walking brooms traipsing with their buckets of water all over Milford. No, the trees overtook him at the Battle of the Second Bulge and only a young maple sapling was able to save his life by having him hide behind Bambi. So now Papa Clark is living on chewy Granola bars and Cream of Wheat as the Monster Hackberrys and Ponderosa Pines did a number on his dental work. Way to kick a man when he was down, Mr. Loblolly Pine.

And what is Zane’s mom doing part-time? Picking up the loose leaves and loose twigs from the aftermath of the battle? That might be the longest part-time job on record. Is she working the drive-thru at The Bucket? I can’t EVEN imagine my mom asking “Would you like a Bucket Apple Pie with your Bucket Penne Pasta Rigatoni e Vino Rosso?”. Oh, I get it, she works for the Milford Highway Department as Manual Terrestrial Technician or Ditch Digger. You got it, if your toilet is overflowing, be assured that MHD will be tearing up the streets pronto to get literally to the bottom of the problem. You’d have Zane’s mom to thank when her earnest and determined efforts eventually means no more turds floating in your living room. America was built on the shoulders of giants.

Or maybe she might be a toll booth attendant somewhere. If it’s woman at 1:30AM on the Indiana Toll Road, I’ll FINALLY know who it is.

If ya lift weights with the Chevy engine block that ya yanked outta yore crate so that ya can tone on yore muscles and be in better cond-ish-in-ing when ya git ta work doin’ maintenance on th’ furnace at Milford Foundry, ya might be a redneck.

With just a skeleton load of information to work with, GoFundMe does appear to be a wonderful organization that has generally helped humanity. Like any organization, particularly charitable organizations, it has its drawbacks. The most glaring one, a limitation by the organization’s own admission, is while they are always happy to help people who got incapicatated through unforeseen circumstances that left them in the lurch now matter how much insurance they had, particularly health insurance, the organization has been confronted with a dangerous snowballing of people uninsured, those people increasingly clamoring for help. It’s nice to have a safety net for people who did everything to cover the bases and still got left a buck short; after all, that was why the organization was founded. But people do indeed need to do everything to take care of themselves through Medicare, Medicaid, insurance at work, and other legitimate government agencies so that the organization remains a wonderful safety net or the dam could break financially in the future.

STILL, it is a great alternative, one I highly endorse and they have been able to filter through the system so that, more often than not, people who honestly need assistance get it.

The problem I am having with Gil besides his Archie Campbell from Hee Haw interpretation of this outfit is I really seriously question whether GoFundMe is right for the Clark family, given the large-scale scope through which GoFundMe normally works. Sure, if Zane’s dad gets knocked in the head by that tree in P1 since the tree was the ringleader of all the killer trees in that picture, I’m sure his dad will be laying out for a while. But that’s what Workman’s Comp or Social Secirity Disability Insurance is for. I’m sure that once the case worker sees the welt on Mr. Clark’s head, he’d be approved in no time flat. Branch scars do leave permanent effects. In the end, this is Gil’s way of trying to show the general public he has a firm grasp on the task at hand. Coach, you’re barely maneuvering those piddly weights around, given the Hangman pose in P1. If that grip reflects your views on charitable operations, Milford Easter Seals might switch over to Christmas and Milford Toys for Tots could be another department at Toys ‘R’ Us. Thorpiverse, I am really amazed at your grasp of the issue. Makes me want to grab one of those trees and uproot it out of the ground and throw out my back the way Mr. Clark did.

Not to say that I wouldn’t applaud GoFundMe should that be an option the Clark family pursues. While I have always liked the Korean proverb I read in my high school World History textbook to “never use a sword to swat at a mosquito”, far be it from me to want to see the Clark family hanging. Get help where you can.

I just hope that Gil spends less time watching Hee Haw and more time watching the 21st century. It was funny when Archie Campbell talked about Rindercella and her sass glipper and her step-mother made sure that sass glipper wouldn’t fit so she could marry the prince. It’s less funny when Hee Haw is in the gym being played out by Kaz and Gil. The only thing missing in P2 is Lulu and the corn stalks.

“Gil, you didn’t know? The producer at WDIG-TV wants you to do voice-overs of Bullwinkle. You’re on in 10 minutes.”

“Kaz, I got a ball game in an hour!!!!!!! Does that producer think I give sports a low priority????”

“You really want me to answer that, Gil?”

And I thought the Shadow People were bad but I’ll allow that I can see certain features such as the hair off the head, their shoes, their banners, etc. But when I was an 8-year-old, if my teacher asked me to draw a picture of Charles Atlas lifting weights, my humble offering would be that pair of stick figures in P1. Don’t EVEN ask me to show what a stick figure Charles Atlas looks like when he’s doing squats or French curls. Nope, not gonna try to show how he executes the leg press or leg extension. T-verse art in relation to weightlifting is like a K-Tel Richard Clayderman record. Both may heve their merits but ain’t no way I’m calling the operators at 3:30AM to order after I saw the infomercial for either one.

Then there’s that tattoo. I’d rather wake up at 3:30AM and ORDER Richard Clayerman or Troy Corey or Clog Dancing in Milford (“It is sweeping the country!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) . Again, T-verse is trying to throw a “Birth of the Cool” angle at us by Gil trying to show he knows what he’s talking about and Kaz trying to show he knows what he’s talking about and attempting to back up that claim with his tattoo. All we’re getting is Close ‘n’ Play. Believe me, Miles Davis came out with a monumental record but Kaz’s tattoo and that classic record are about as opposite as the Grand Canyon and Star Trek Sings Creedence Clearwater Revival (trust me, a record similar to that actually got released) . Someone in the art studio must have exvlaimed “SHIT!!!!!!!! I forgot he’s got a tattoo!!!!!!!!!” and did a makeshift serpintine Crayola job right before press time and now we are stuck with a barbed wire design suitable for your next Connect-the-Dots activity on the placemat at Denny’s. The kids oughta love penciling in the barbs while they’re waiting for their Child’s Plate Spaghetti.

Gene Rayburn is back!!!!!!!!!!! And he doesn’t have any meaningless tattoos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And he intends to tattoo this plot!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Coach Kaz had a ________________ tattooed on his butt.”

“Hey, Mimi, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Gil, Bullwinkle you aren’t. How many Fantas did you drink to keep that voice?”

“Hey, WDIG-TV just signed me to a 10-year contract. When I can’t coach anymore, I’ll have something to fall back on.”

“We finally agree on something after over 30 years of marriage.”

We get to the part in the plot where Zane is just comin’ in when he durn well pleases. Why not? It worked in Gilberto’s office. Just toss a few rubber balls through the tire and don’t smash the garage window, take a few healthy swings at Milford Bat-o-Rama (be sure you’re loaded down with coins to keep the machines going) , stretch the truth and say that Don Mattingly was your personal trainer and voila! Gil has a spot for you on the roster. I’ll be sure to keep myself loaded down with war stories and fishing stories (“At my last employer, Wal-Mart, I caught one out of Electronics THIS BIG”) when I’m talking to the personnel director at Milford Foundry. Boy, I’m just as good as a job as a forklift driver.

Is his dad a quadriplegic? He has to spoon-feed Papa Lucky Charms and Eggo Waffles before he can apply last-minute touches to his homework? (Smacks head) DAMN I forgot, Mama is working part-time as an iron-pourer at Milford Foundry and has to have those iron support beams shipped off to build a freeway in another state and doesn’t have the time to spend nurse-maiding Papa or her son. Yup, when Zane did all his throwing, he had to retrieve his own balls cuz Mama couldn’t sing bass nor play catcher.

Does he get sent to the principal’s office or is everybody going to let it slide (again) ? Judging by the miens of humanity in P3, Zane better get his act together or he’ll pitching through the tire for Valley Modified.

“Did you have that tattoo sketched before you came to Milford? Or is your Grandma a Hell’s Angel?”

“Gil, don’t try Bullwinkle at Milford Comedy Club. You’ll have people thinking you talk as if your throat GOT tattooed.”

And we’re not sure if this a class (most logical guess), a conference/class discussion (iffy but possible) or a seminar (doubtful) or a club meeting (doubtful again) . Thank God this isn’t the Yalta Conference. It’s highly doubtful FDR could have kept warding off Stalin and Churchill with “I had to go feed the dog” or “My mom’s got herpes again and I had to change the sheets” or “I got held up at the Yalta Tattoo Parlor. They had this special on barbed-wire fences” or “I had to take my dad to Rehab to massage his fractured skull he got from a land mine at Nurnberg”.

And the atmosphere overall is beliveable as students are drawn like students and not Archie & The Gang viewed through A Hall of Funny Mirrors. The only thing that really qualifies for the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects is that little file rack on top of the cabinet. Some redneck evideny got careless and thought it was a sphinx and blew its damn head off. Now the class is stuck with shards of plastic and a student with shards of time. But we can always go to Office Depot and get another file rack.

“And we’ll be back to see if Zane gets relegated to kindergarten, thereby stripping him of his eligibility on the baseball team after this. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, have you have a loved one pass away recently? How did the funeral turn out? Did it meet your specifications or were you unhappy they played ‘Victory in Jesus’ instead of ‘When The Roll is Called Up Yonder’ for your great-great- uncle’s funeral? Did the hyacinths fall and leave a mess of dirt and water when your Grandma Bertha was lying in state?

These and many other unsettling concerns are certainly issues to be addressed. Greetings, this is Dr. Pearl for Milford Funeral Solutions. When my great-great-great-grandfather recently passed away, I was worried that other funeral establishments could have flushed his Medal of Freedom that he earned from the Spanish-American War down the commode. That is why I turned to Milford Funeral Solutions and its ‘How Will You Be Remembered’ Program. Believe you me, they treated Grandpa Geezer like he was being buried next to Teddy Roosevelt.

They made sure his sword was painstakingly positioned over his chest so it didn’t resemble an enormous toothpick skewering his kidneys. And the music was perfect. He always loved ‘Yankee Doodle’ and ‘Way Down Upon The Swanee River’, especially when the he and the rest of the Rough Riders were charging San Juan Hill. I can’t remember which one Stephen Foster wrote but if he were alive, he’d need an extra hanky at Grandpa Geezer’s farewell party.

And Milford Funeral Solutions realizes that not everybody carries the same definition of a conventional funeral. That’s why for the Hooligan in you, your Classic Rock-loving grandfather can literally enter the Stairway to Heaven with Milford Funeral Solutions providing sound-proof funeral parlors so that Led Zeppelin doesn’t overshadow the funeral parlor next door with a pre-recording of George Beverley Shea crooning ‘Softly and Tenderly’ for that grandmother about to have her person donated to science. We are all one happy family under the same roof.

But perhaps some of you don’t like Billy Graham or The Who singing ‘The Punk and The Godfather’ when your mom is crossing into The Elysian Fields. Not a problem. Milford Funeral Solutions has varied musical selections, from Lawrence Welk to Beethoven, from Mitch Miller Singers to Hank Snow. And with your choice of foliation, not to mention state-of-the-art facilities for viewing, your loved one is sure to written in SOMEBODY’S Book of Life. With our automatic rotating casket for viewing, everybody will get an opportunity to see their Grandma Moses one last time with dignity and respect. And with free photos of the dead running the panaroma of fine observation, why go and leave your loved one to chance? I don’t want this to be a 50/50 proposition when I’m getting embalmed.

Come to Milford Funeral Solutions today so that you can have piece of mind knowing that your loved one will not be forgotten. We guarantee that your prized possession will leave behind a legacy that everybody can be proud of. I know we didn’t leave part of Grandpa Geezer’s legacy in the trunk but buried his combat boots along with his lucky canteen to be carted off to the Heavens. I’m sure Grandpa is gurgling mouth wash out of it behind the Peatly Gates wven as I speak. Come give your dearly departed the 5-Star Send-Off only at Milford Fineral Solutions.”

Gang, that is not Eric Clapton in P1. Clapton is God, remember? And when was God ever a stick figure? But God bless you, anyway.

At the Milford Comedy Club one rainy evening

“…what do I look like, me and Rocky and Boris and Natasha exchanging partners at an orgy???”

Dead silence. Somebody munching cashews in the back is faintly heard.

“Well, Mr. Thorp needs to brush up on his Bullwinkle but didn’t he knock ’em dead otherwise???? Huh???? Huh????”

Pitching Therapy

Zane Clark has been pitching to his little brother. That’s how he’s maintained his stuff. In today’s strip, we also find out what’s been up with Zane Clark (who we didn’t know before, but no biggie). Zane’s Dad has been having a series of strokes and has been unable to work. That’s why Zane goes to the library, I guess. This really doesn’t sound like it adds up to a scenario where Zane absolutely couldn’t play ball, but there must be more going on that we don’t need to be troubled with, so Zane’s back and let’s all go nuts. Let’s also get Zane’s little brother in for a tryout. Great catchers are just falling off trees in Milford so what are you waiting for, Gil?

First thing is first though, so Gil has to go lift with Kaz to stare at those sweet biceps fill Kaz in on Zane’s dramatic story. Careful with that barbell, Gil. If you lose balance, you’re gonna crash through that window!

“Is Derwood Causing Problems Again, Samantha?”

Any of you old-timers remember the Bewitched episode where Endora cast a spell on Darrin Stephens so he winds up being an obnoxious tightwad? At McMann & Tate, Darrin is on the warpath to address anything even remotely less-than-cost-efficient, confronting a secretary to ship important documents in a large envelope that looked like it’d been bounced around the office a number of times as all the signatures on it would testify or calling the water cooler company to ration the water jug deliveries so that office employees are drinking no more than is necessary to survive.

And okay, it was funny and Samantha finally puts two and two together and correctly concludes that Darrin is Scrooge with an attitude. But do we have to endure this in Milford? I thought we jettisoned Vic and Doug down to Daytona. Alex Brito is Darrin Stephens that Endora metamorphosed into Chet Ballard and we all saw what happned there. The part where Joe Blow and his family are moving to Denver because Jane Blow got a better job, causing Joe Blow to step down from the Milford Library Board. As if we couldn’t see what’s possibly coming next. Alex Brito will likely assume the spot that Mr. Blow vacated and radical changes will be forthcoming. All Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine back issues will be on microfiche, saving a ton on paper. Hey, if the 1982 back issues get burned up in a fire and Milford Library orders replacements, it’s cheaper and lighter for the UPS Man to restore Hitchcock to his rightful place.

“Gil, NOW I see it. Mother has turned you into a responsible, caring coach.”

“I was wondering why I was suddenly showing up at all the practices.”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Forces Cochran’s Hand, Top Legal Aide Fired From Cochran Team!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J.: ‘I can go down to Milford Pawn Shop and buy legal deeds for Zihuatanejo cheap. I don’t need any legal assistant to go shopping.”

And I’ll concede I see a lot of empty seats and if the reference librarian is busier filing her nails than answering questions, then an audit is clearly in order. But let’s not get hasty here. Number one, Brito Butt hasn’t been elected or appointed to any position of authority in relation to the library yet, nor has he slipped a $100 bill to the head librarian to get on the Board. And number two, I’m shuddering when I think of the changes he has in mind so that Milford Library is solvent.

And what’s he going to do, raze the computer section that isn’t being used in the interest of green space? I’m a hiker by nature but I don’t like knowing that Sherwood Forest was once the Fiction Aisle. That’s right, that extra parking at the Drive-In area at The Bucket to accommodate the overflow of teenagers was where all the magazines and newspapers lay harmlessly on the magazine shelf. And reference librarians do get questions at peak hours, Brito Butt. Don’t make a Toll Road out of the Children’s Reading Room.

The Pantheon of Mysterious Objects is in rare form in P1. Now I’m going to safely conclude that he is brushing his teeth and it is not a Trac II razor that got reduced to nubs by a grindstone somewhere in his living room. But is that a mirror off by its lonesome? If it is, what is Brito Butt facing while using Colgate? Is he spitting in the bathtub? I can almost say with confidence he is not peering into the linen closet. Remember that shaving commercial in the 60’s and 70’s where the man opens his cabinet door and finds someome on the other side, i.e., he’s probably living in a duplex where they share the medicine cabinet? I hope he doesn’t find his neighbor when he opens the shower curtain. And is that a toilet under the mirror? Does Brito Butt have problems narrowing down the angle of his target? Okay, if he spits in the linen closet, no harm, no foul but if he has to take a major dump, I pray to God, he has his rear end located in the right direction. The handle will be there to guide you, Brito Butt.

“Gil, these expenditures on umpires are just outrageous. Next time, get a couple of parents out of the bleachers, brief them on the rules and tell them the ump uniforms are in the shed. And tell them to bring their own indicators.”

“Dr. Pearl, did you have a Taco Salad Luncheon with Endora again?”

We are continuing, or rather concluding this rant in P2. Boy, Brito Butt is getting harsh. There was a scene in “Oh God!” where God (played by the venerable and funny George Burns) is alone with John Denver’s character (Yup, same guy who sang “Rocky Mountain High” and “Thank God I’m a Country Boy”) and says to Denver concerning a phony Televangelist “Tell him I want him to shut up and shine shoes”. You hope to Milford Valley and back that Brito Butt doesn’t tell the Reference Lady to quit her day job and get a job as a scrubber at Milford Car Wash. But I’m not betting that’s a spoon in his hand unless he has possessed the fine art of getting Jell-o or Bob Evans Mashed Potatoes to stand on end.

And is the rest of the library staff, if we indeed follow through on these cuts Butthead has in mind, to get retrained at Milford Department of Labor? What are they going to do, grab a shovel and learn how to scoop tar into the potholes around the city? Yes, your taxes at work enabled that one librarian who checked out all the science books that the shelf could sustain for your term paper to now trowel the concrete onto the road the Milford Department of Highways is repairing. Well, I reckon it’s better than watching the video department head now running a hot dog stand.

But the building is safe for now. It can always be a practice facility for Mudlark Basketball. God knows, when Mimi is trying to negotiate through her 5-game schedule, an extra gym comes in handy when Luhm is waxing the other gym. All because Butthead had a vision.

If ya eat hog chitlins with a toothbrush cuz yore silver-wear is in the creek getting soaked to rinse off the bar-b-q stains that got melded on the cutlery when ya stuck iti in the microwave, ya might be a redneck.

So for the moment Dr. Pearl Who Moonlights As A Library Public Relations Official Trained To Handle Morons Like Burrito Butthead is still gainfully employed and will not be shipped off to the Gulag Archipelago to work in a slave camp that Solzhenitsyn once plied his labor. Now if I can only figure out how those freak hands can handle the implement that is in his appendage, loosely speaking. Now again, I strongly suggested toothbrush but maybe he’s Sweeney Todd with his arms wrung inside out and attacks his victims with Boy Scout knives, mainly because those wrongly-ratched upper limbs can only tolerate that kind of load. Or maybe Todd does attack with toothbrushes. His contorted attachments can handle that anyway. That’s right, Todd, slash your victims with Oral B.

The one thing that I just CRINGE at is whenever anybody says “signage”. Burrito Butthead, the plural of “sign” is SIGNS. Any of you aspiring to write, please read William Zinsser. He has been my reference on writing for over thirty years. He basically tells you to keep your sentences clear and compact. Your reader is a fidgety sort and if he has to trudge through a ton of verbiage, he’ll put your work down and go mow the lawn. That includes SIGNS which is clearer and conveys your idea better. Promise you, Zinsser would have a cow if he read P2. Of course, with this murky plot, Zinsser’s puking up the whole herd.

“So what do you want me to tell him, God?”

“Tell him I want him to shut up and get a job cleaning the mess in the horse stables.”

“Wow, God, isn’t that a little harsh on Gil?”

And Gil is practically raping Mimi, apparently trying to make up for lost time when he was single and he had to rub on the tackling dummy for any satisfaction. Thank God Mimi arrived at the right time or Gil might have committed a Pee Wee Herman in the men’s room at The Bucket.

And what is Mimi going to tell Jocelynn tomorrow? When you get raped by Pee Wee Herman, relax and enjoy it? We’re still adjusting our eyes to a Library Board Member who’s moving his family to the Mile High City and the man to potentially take his place wants to raze Paradise and put in a parking lot when NOW we’re scratching our heads curious (well, not really, but we’re getting our arms twisted) to know what this heart-to-heart stand-off is going to be all about. Jocelynn, don’t ride in race cars with boys who let his friends do the shifting. If you do, it’s a 1-game suspension. And if he pops a wheelie, I’m upping the ante to a 3-game suspension and no TV. Man, all this talk about if you see me coming, Jocelynn, better step aside/a lotta ‘Larks did and a lotta ‘Larks died. What a way to top off a romantic evening. A Day of Wine and Roses.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Judge Ito Orders Removal Of Deputy Sheriffs In O.J. Trial!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We can save the taxpayers a significant amount of money. Plaintiffs and the defense were taking turns buying lunch.”

“Oh, Vic, I really dig your body. I just get horny every time I see your van going down the street. I can’t wait to go to the prom with you and immerse myself in your pelvic thrusts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Mother, have you been weaving your magic on Tessi again?”

“Why, Samantha, what on earth gave you that preposterous notion?Just because Derwood is out of town and I’m in dire need of practice.”

Doesn’t Gil look like John Prine as a teenager? With a Gumby body? I can hear the song now

Take it back take it back

God knows I can’t coach that

All my friends are all champs or got rings

Should go start leading

Strong stances I’m still needing

Sweet revenge, sweet revenge

Has prevailed over me

Without fail

Well, Gil, not as gravelly as Prine but don’t sound like Gumby either.

“And we’ll be back to see if Gil was actually listening to Mimi say she was going to give Jocelynn Brown 39 lashes with a bull whip in her office for team insubordination or he just wants to trash Mimi there on the cheap coach they bought at a rummage sale after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

At the Shaw domicile late one night

“DADGUMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. THAT ORDER SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE TWO HOURS AGO!!!!!!!!!

Pause

I DON’T CARE IF THE SEMI BROKE AN AXLE, THAT’S NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M LIMPER THAN STRAWBERRIES IN JANUARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Honeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyyyyyyy. It’s time to come to bedddyyyyyyy-byyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!”

“AND ANOTHER THING, MR. MANAGER!!!!!!!!!!! IF I DON’T GET MY SHIPMENT WITHIN THE WINDOW, I’M GOING TO SMALL CLAIMS COURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL GET MY MONEY BACK IF THAT SHIPMENT OF HARD-A-TONIC IS NOT HERE PRONTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Honey, it’s 2:30AM. And the neighbors are sleeping.”

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE PROBLEMS WITH THE WIRING SERVICE WITH WESTERN UNION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF THE DOW JONES AVERAGE WENT DOWN AND AFFECTED YOUR SHIPPING DEPARTMENT, THEN CALL MERRILL LYNCH!!!!!!!! AND CHANGE BANKS IF YOU CAN’T GET YOUR GENERAL FINANCIAL DUCKS IN A ROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oh, hi, Mrs. Shaw. I just got off the phone. The Hard-a-Tonic man ought to be at my doorstep ringing my doorbell anytime.”

“Darling, that’s what EREC-3500 is for. They are clinically-tested and they deliver at a decent hour. The UPS man is there within 2 days after you order.”

“No way, Mrs. Shaw. That wimpy stuff couldn’t hold my jock, literally, compared to this Hard-a-Tonic I ordered through Milford Sex Emporium catalog. Just rub it on your whim-whim and you’ll be a pillar of masculinity.”

“Except I read an article where they tested Hard-a-Tonic on mice and they may have had the time of their lives but they died later that evening from a stroke.”

“Woman, I assure you that I have gone to the doctor for my check-up and I have a clean bill of health. The doc told me that I still had some brushing up to do with my torn and frayed instrument in my crotch but that’s what Hard-a-Tonic is all about. The doc told me his 99-year-old patient was reviving his sex life with his girlfriend. The wheelchair can’t restrain Hard-a-Tonic, evidently.”

“Yes, but the Saturday Evening Post medical section denounced the product as a sham. It said Hard-a-Tonic caused a loss of appetite.”

“Mrs. Shaw, if I don’t order online a Bucket Triple Cheeseburger Bacon Razzle Dazzle after we have gotten it on ’til the cock crows twice, I will personally take the whole crate of Hard-a-Tonic and throw it in Milford Recycling for cash on the dollar.”

“And Mimi told me Gil took it and now he’s singing soprano in his office. In fact, Jeff Lynne called to have Gil do all the falsetto accompaniments on ELO reissues. His kids have disowned him because nobody wants to be told ‘You’re grounded’ by Tiny Tim.”

“She had me there. I love ELO but no way was I going to sing ‘Do ya, Do ya Want My Love’ screeching my lungs out. What would my huntin’ buddies think? And the shipment came with broken bottles. I didn’t like cleaning the mess on the doorstep and if they didn’t care enough about my personsal property, what makes me think they would care about my other personal property? Get great treatment programs delivered fast and professional, only at Milford Men’s Clinic so you deliver fast and professional to your wife.”

Gang, that is NOT Alex Brito singing “Johnny Toothbrush” on Captain Kangaroo. How many times do I have to keep reminding you? But God bless you anyway.

At a Milford Basketball game one night

“Who the Hell said you were my assistant? Kaz, did you invite Darrin Stephens on the staff?”

Over in the stands

“Mother, have you done something to Darrin again???”

“Oh heavens, no. Coach Thorp is incompetent without Derwood’s assistance. Maybe Dr. Bombay is in the building.”

At the Milford Nudist Colony

“And if we can get them doing calisthenics, we can save a bundle on tennis court maintenance.”

“Geez, he’s let the title of Financial Director go to his head. He hasn’t been the same since he’s been hangin’ with that lady with the Sun Maid Raisins boobs. Goes by Endora.”

Go Directly To Shawshank. Do Not Pass Gil. Do Not Collect $200.

\

I always love these prison shots Thorpiverse throws at us from time to time. Sure, when we’re not wasting our time in our uniforms at practice that has no ball players and it turns into Gossip Time, we’re talking about that same place that Dufresne is scrubbing his boat where apparently Pat Benatar III will one day spend time with Zane collecting little crabs along the beach. Isn’t that romantic. Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’, Girl.

And she talks about Zane like he’d been at the Dumbarton Oaks Conference and, well, when he was getting bored with the U. S. and Luxembourg discussing trade imbalances, damn, are the Mudlarks starting baseball ALREADY???? I was going to go out after I’d been with Phineas Fogg flying over Bhutan and when I realized I could soar to new heights when I saw the Himalayas, well, HOT DAMN, I can soar with the rest of the Mudlarks. Coach Thorp has a way of flying and avoiding the telephone wires on the way up to the top.

And when I get paroled from Shawshank, maybe I can catch Zane at his first game by first pitch. Me and Ellis Boyd Redding will be directly behind the backstop in our lawn chairs.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Legal Linchpin In Real Estate Holdings In Zihuatanejo Leaving O.J. Frustrated, Refiling Claims At Mexican Consulate In Milford!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I keep telling them, the boat ain’t mine. How can you tax it when you don’t sail it? Don’t know why Dufresne and Red bolted on it.”

And as the readers have accurately pointed out, you just can’t waltz in and say “Throw me a glove out of your dresser drawer, Coach. I’ll be warmed up for right field by the third inning”. You can’t just Milfordize the situation. You do indeed have to show up for tryouts. And I know that sometimes kids get burned out, sit out a year or two then decide they missed it and want to come back. And if that were the case here, fine, still get your ass to tryout, but fine.

But why do I get this feeling that Zane was attending school in Zihuatanejo and got tired of scrubbing Andy’s boat when Andy was sitting in a lawn chair, sipping on Nestea? If I had to scrape the algae with Red and the boat still capsized because Dufresne bought cheap Tijuana Ash for boat construction, I’d be back over the border too. And with Miss Benatar waiting, standing at the border fence while Zane is getting frisked by Border Patrol, Man, I think we have another workable plot to view in the next two to three months before Gil decides he’s had enough for the season and he vegetates until football.

And that’s assuming we are going to be single-minded in plot direction but with Tessi’s spaciness, Tessi’s indifference to Vic, Vic’s devotion to the mic and Armour hot dogs, Doug’s indifference to basketball, Doug’s indifference and incompetence to NASCAR, Mimi’s sudden decision to coach, Raymond Burr Academy jolting her back into reality, Corina contributing her acid two bits worth to the discussion, well, I think single-mindedness went the way of Tod Andrews. Still around but not regular enough to entertain any concern.

If ya had ta have yore pickup frisked at the border to ward off any suspicion ya is transportin’ any illegal hooch or other al-kee-holic products and they fail ta locate all the Jack crammed up yore crack, ya might be a redneck.

And this plot is getting off on the right field, er, foot already. Brito must have microwaved her hair when she was nuking her Eggo’s this morning and we all know about Jiffy Pop Head. Chunky bracelets and hair that’s been in chemotherapy, fashion is truly swinging avant-garde in Milford these days. Not sure I’d want to comb anything where you had to press “Pot Pie” function on the Amana appliance. I’d hate to see all my combs melt the way the Lady Mudlarks did against Raymond Burr Academy.

And what in the world is she talking about? What else has Zane been doing besides scrubbing ocean liners and ditching Gil every Spring for the last two years? Did he run the Best Little Whorehouse in Milford? Does he have stock ownership in The Diner? Is he Chairman of the Board and they meet in the Conference Room at The Bucket once a month? Was he keeping Lou Boudreau fresh with stats when he was broadcasting with Harry (Never going to change, Robmize-ha) ? So if you learn that Leon Durham hit .390 against right-handers after 3:00PM at Wrigley with the wind blowing towards Lake Michigan, you’ll know who was feeding Lou’s trough.

I’m still trying to figure out if Zane is a Trinity of personalities or simply Oneness. It’d help in determining if he should play right or left field.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Real Estate Holdings Procured After Milford Superior Court Orders Stay On All Zihuatanejo Transactions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J.: ‘As soon as Cochran draws up the Visa papers, our agent should get through Mexicali without a hitch.'”

Is this another Ice Castles wrapped in an enigma in a puzzle in another aborted Doug plot in Vic’s chili dog? Katy Brito had nothing better to do than to listen to her Papa (we assume) bitch about the computer so she goes to tryouts (hint, hint, Doug and Zane) and takes a few swings and as long as she could dribble it to the pitcher’s mound and catch cans of corn with her stir-fried hair, she was on the team?

And her boyfriend, Zane the appositive, was finally released at Entebbe after Idi Amin negotiated with the American Embassy in Milford after working in a labor camp in Uganda extracting diamonds from the savannah and calls Gil to pay for the taxi fare when he’s released on good behavior and finds himself at the Kampala airport where Idi has to give final approval? Well, The Last King of Milford might have wanted to purchase a catcher’s mitt during the layover. And I am more excited than an octogenarian with a plate of Borscht and Onion Rings Combo at The Diner that Zane and Katy will be a match made in Milford and there will be sanity finally restored when conceiving plots. Hey, I can dream, can’t I?

Ooooooooooookkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back to restore sanity to this plot and he didn’t need to dig diamonds out of the vacant lot across from The Bucket to do it. Take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought that Zane made the team because of his _______________________.”

What?????? They cancelled F Troop and now Larry Storch is out of work so now he’s forced to glue on a mustache and play a semi-abusive husband who spends more time at his Apple than at his daughter’s games? Will have to learn Spanish if the Brito household is a transplanr from Durango? Hi Honey!!!!!!!!!! Go Home!!!!!!!!!!!! Another sitcom brought to you by Milford Foundry and the Geraldine R. Dodge Foundation.

And I don’t think that’s Dinah Shore in the back. Let’s just play along with Thorpiverse and say that’s Larry’s wife. I hope she didn’t have to glue on that blonde hair or this sitcom’s going the way of that speedster Doug used when he got pulled over by Adam-12. And Gang, much as I respect Dinah and her celebrity status, she couldn’t sing her way out Gil’s gym (trust me) . If that is indeed Dinah and F Troop supplies a piano and her pipes belt out Sinatra’s “In The Wee Small Hours”, I’d rather watch Vic do doughnuts in a Radio Flyer. But that looks like how this farce is about to shape up. A travesty before you can call it one. How nice. I think I’ll go check out the Penne Pasta Rigatoni with Fried Gizzards Special at The Diner. I understand it comes with a drink.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Cleanup Has Halted At Zihuatanejo After Ancient Artifacts Unearthered On The Premises!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J.: I talked to Cochran. He negotiated a 70/30 agreement with the Mexican government. We’ll make a mint off of those Aztec chunky bracelets they found in the pit.”

What’s with the Internet story angle anyway? “Internet Meltdown on the Planet of the Apes”? That’s right this whole horde of gorillas and chimpanzees take over Milford after shutting down computer access to the rest of the world. Hard to call in Federal troops when baboons are unaccounted for in the gym or on the softball diamond. Valley Conference Playoff Rounds will be hard to stage when killer monkeys are having their way in Thorpiverse.

Which leads me to believe we are like Harold Lloyd, hanging off that clock tower (that was not a stunt double, BTW. Lloyd was a bit of a stuntman himself and was really hanging off that damn thing) wondering what the next plot has in store for us, given The Andromeda Strain comes to the Britos’ living room. And how The Andromeda Strain relates to softball is anybody’s guess but we’ve been so conditioned with disconnected plot concepts that we can play Operation with the Charley horse piece missing and still not hear a buzz.

Hey, maybe Larry Storch can be a referee. Just keep the mustache glued and Gil might sign you to a contract for Mimi’s 5 basketball games.

“And we’ll be back to see if Ward Cleaver ever called Milford Computer Repair or left June holding the bag to go golf with Gil. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“And we did indeed get Larry Storch to sign his John Henry on the dotted line so I won’t have to thumb through the Valley Conference Basketball Officials Directory for the upcoming season. I tried to get a hold of Alan Hale but he had a prior commitment playing The Skipper at Milford Playhouse Theater during December and January. But Larry will do. We did tell him to keep the mustache glued on so he wouldn’t blow his cover.

But that’s enough for now because the jury is still out whether William Schallert can break his commitment from The Patty Duke Show and ref the Milford Holiday Tournament. I’ll keep the number listed. Hi, this is Coach Thorp speaking on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse and talk about making the right call. Our “Booze is a state of mind” campaign is going like gangbusters so The Warehouse decided to expand upon a good thing by partnering with Milford Senior Living Center for the “No Elderly Left Behind” program that remembers our older generation with dignity and grace. Doggone, I don’t want to see some 94-year-old stranded in the hallway on a wheelchair at the Senior Center without Knob Creek Whiskey in hand. Life’s too short.

So if you are a citizen of Milford Senior Living Center and ride in the van subsidized by The Warehouse down to the Shangri-La of Fine Liquors, you will get discounts that will help go easy on your monthly Social Security check. In fact, some of you, yeah, you 80-somethings know who you are, you love living the high style. Hey, The Warehouse is way ahead of you. They knocked 2 bucks off that El Jimador Tequila and if you make it a combo by buying Milford Vending Soft Pretzels, the whole purchase is discounted 20%. Man, it makes me want to ride in a wheelchair myself. I’ll just sneak in the back next time and hope the driver doesn’t notice.

We were affronted by a group of little old ladies who wondered how we could fit the wheelchairs and Busch in the same vehicle. No problem. We have transport cases certified by the Milford Transportation Commision to guarantee safety of product and passengers. It’s nice to know that after Grandma Moses has purchased her Michelob Ultra Variety 30-Pack for a ridiculous $19.99 and only a dollar extra for the gallon canister of Milford Vending Beer Nuts that is safely stowed on top of the van roof while Grandma Moses peacefully snores on her way back home. Don’t that sound like Cheeseburgers in Paradise?

And it keeps Mr. Wilson from suing Dennis the Menace when his Miller High Life gets accidentally crammed in the muffler pipe and the van jerks forward, sending Mr. Wilson through the windshield. Ruff can’t lick his wounds on that one. Yup, beer sold on Mr. Wilson’s AARP Rewards Program that’s securly fastened just makes the foam taste better. Geez, don’t you hate flat Bud Light that rolled around in the dryer too long?

And some of you oldsters have a thing for Wink Martindale. C’mon, admit it, you got an erection every time The Joker’s Wild was on the air. Well, The Warehouse and Milford Senior Living Center are giving you an opportunity of a lifetime. If you purchase Jim Beam Kentucky Straight Bourbon from now until the end of the month, not only will The Warehouse extend the Hand of Fellowship, that Hand will knock off $3 AND let you pose in front of our Wink Martindale statue up for a free portrait. Shoot, no better way to experience The Good Life than to get a suitable-for-framing portrait of you sitting next to Mr. Hollywood Walk of Fame with your prized golden elixir in your possession. Makes the trip back to The Milford Senior Center worth it, doesn’t it? Hey, he might be hosting “Concentration” that night.

Hey, just because you’re old doesn’t mean you’re out of the game. You can still pluck the apple off the tree even if sometimes the van driver has to do the plucking. Come check out all that The Good Life has to offer, especially now with out First and Last Train to Milford and Clarksville, and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Is Samuel Norton the principal at Milford High School? I haven’t seen Dr. Pearl lately. But God bless you, Gang.

At the Tijuana border station

“But I have no convictions!!!!!! Call my attorney, he’ll set the record straight!!!!!!!!!!”

“Sure, pal, I’ve heard that one before. Mr. Thorp, you and O.J. take a seat on that bench over there.”

At the Milford Nudist Colony

“Mommy, I heard the whole F Troop was coming in for our Ice Cream Fellowship.”

“Uhhhhhhhh, here, Keri, Bugs Bunny is on TV. Why don’t you go watch WDIG-TV Cartoon Carnival in the Family Life Center?”

A Festival Of Books And Bull.

I think it’s safe to say that basketball has officially ended and that Vic will not be maneuvering any doughnuts in the The Bucket parking lot, with Doug manning the controls of course, just to be impressing Tessi Milton. I remember attending an Amway meeting once and the speaker gave a definitiin of status: “Buying something you don’t need with money you don’t have to impress people you don’t like.” That pretty much summed up Vic and Tessi. After awhile, it became “You may have dumped me but I can dunk even when I’m on crutches. Who cares if Doug was secretly holding the step-ladder?”

So now we’re in the faculty lounge to discuss prospects for the upcoming season, oh boy. I wonder how excited Coach Kaz is, given that rock he picked in his gravel driveway and stapled on his ear. Sipping Dunkin’ Donuts Caramel Supreme out of his BOB mug is just intensifying that notion. And you might want to buckle up THIS TIME because I get the sick-gut feeling we’re on another wild-goose chase to Never Never Land. A kid barges in and says he’s just as good as third base, goodness, are we in for another Heather Burns? Like “Coach, I know I gave less than 100% for the soccer team but I deserve to start at tight end”? This is what Gil and Kaz are slurping Sanka over? Gee, Gil, not too many high school players tell their coaches when they’re coming for practice. There’s this calked a schedule. If a player doesn’t appear at said time, he or she gets kicked off the team. You might want to try that sometime. Discipline works wonders.

Because I wondered where I was going in this drive-thru at night, thankful I didn’t appear at the River Styx for Charon to ferry me across

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Cleared In Latest Incident Of Child Molestation Charges!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I just got done ordering a Happy Meal and a McRib Combo and next thing you know, I’m in the hallway at Milford Day Care Center.”

George, George

George of the jungle

WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE

Oops, my bad, that’s the door to the Teacher’s Lounge. I should have read the backwards Vulcan on the bark, er, window. We’ve all talked about freak hands. I think we are seeing the first freak door. If we ever run out of natural gas and we need firewood, I’ll know where to look first. I just hope to God it doesn’t come with a freak doorknob. And then we get to the freak knuckles on Gil’s hand. Imagine all those arcs you drew in Intro Geometry your sophomore year and you’ll have a successful career drawing Gil’s appendages. And if you’re counting correctly, Gil is NOT flipping the bird at Kaz unless they changed the policy by having Milford residents shift your irritation one finger over. I dunno, the way Gilberto is getting animated with Kaz, I just hope Kaz doesn’t fling the rest of the contents in the BOB mug in retaliation. I wouldn’t be positioning that same hand when I’m in a conference with Dr. Pearl.

“Mr. Knappe, I am suspending you for your obvious insubordination and flagrant disregard for school rules.”

“I was just picking my nose, Dr. Pearl.”

If ya gotta get into a powwow with yore union steward after the foreman tried ta git ya fired cuz ya raised yore hand in the foreman’s direc-shun and shouted “MUDLARKS ARE #1!!!!!!!!”, ya might be a redneck.

Now to be fair, the plot really hasn’t developed so I see this thing perhaps turning a corner after some of the misfires in the past. And it’s good to see Kaz back in the swing of things as he’s been somewhat Pippen to Gil’s Jordan. When the conversation gets a little earnest, I am convinced that Gil might, for once in a lifetine, start taking charge. After 60 years, better late than never. Shoot, look what happened with Mimi with the girls team. She was actually IN the locker room diagrammjng plays. There’s hope.

APRIL FOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I love Coach Kaz’s twirlie, a la Bill Haley & The Comets. See ya later, Alligator. And maybe I need to see an oculist but did Coach Kaz bite off part of his mug? There were no donuts in the faculty lounge this morning? The conversation is getting a bit heavy (I still stand by THAT one) but when I also see the same arm band that Jerry Lawler wore when he was womping on Eddie Gilbert at Mid-South Coliseum, I get distracted from the seriousness of the issues at hand.

And I get the feeling that Coach Kaz is being a wee bit sarcastic, if the balloon is pointing in the right direction, though I have my serios doubts on that particular concept. The stick shift going in all directions? Sheesh, didn’t just see that all basketball season, consummated in Vic’s Little Joyride? Thank God the balloon wasn’t pointed at that poster of books or I’d be seeing the oculist tonight at the Milford Minor Emergency Clinic.

Why Gil Thorp?

Because he’s the only one who makes a strong stance for literacy, judging by the poster in P2. I mean, do you think it’s an advertisement for prostheitics? Yes, at Milford Replacement Parts Ltd., you’ll be able to read a volume by Shelby Foote on your fake leg or your money back.

Anyway, Heinrich Gustavus Schoffstein Thorp was the key member on the Salk team to engineer the breakthrough to defeat polio. He credited his success to all the Milford Public Library after pointing out he was not able to even scan the Charles Atlas section in the back of the Richie Rich comic books when the Third Reich was in power. He managed to escape on a boat on the Danube that landed him in the Schwarzwald and eventually to Eisenhower’s where he was airlifted with soldiers getting mustered out of the service when Patton was so victorious, he’d piss in the Danube. He made it a point to teach Gil to do no harm and win with class. No pissing on Oakwood’s court after you won in triple overtime.

From P2-“…and it will put more Nehi in the Coke machine here in the Teacher’s Lounge and will get us more catcher’s mitts that we ordered but didn’t get because the School Board did not approve due to overexpenditure in the Athletic Funds budget and will get more waitresses down at The Diner so they don’t have to keep calling Maureen on her off-days and will pump up Coach Shaw more when he gets called to bed or when Mr. Dr. Pearl gets called to bed…”

And I will never EVER get used to The Hand making its appearance. I thought that damn thing got buried in the Collinsport Cemetery next to Barnabas’ mausoleum. Nope, Thorpiverse has revived it and it is full speed ahead in the conversation about players wanting to FINALLY make a commitment and this time actually show up. Let’s The Hand a hand. I don’t blame Coach Kaz for being a bit sardonic, but if I have talk to the freaks of nature that once graced Dark Shadows in all directions, whether about ball players or whether Willie Loomis needs Rogaine, whether Roger Maris’ record should be legit or whether Collinsport should add an Art Deco library to its structure, whether the chicken came first over the egg or Quentin should tell Barnabas he wants to be a volunteer assistant with Mimi next year, well, as Ricky Nelson once said, skip the Garden Party at the Milford gym, I’d rather drive a truck.

Ooooooooookkkkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back to hand The Hand a hand-out and a hand outta town. Take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Coach Kaz had a ________________________ when he was devouring his coffee mug.”

There is absolutely no logic to what Kaz is saying in P2 and what he is saying in P3. Now again, I think he is being a bit sarcastic in P2 and I’m assuming the caption balloon is intended for the utterances coming out of Kaz’s mouth and that he is not keeping his mouth open to catch a fly buzzing around the Teacher’s Lounge. No way that the sounds are coming from the mail slots in the background or that Coach Shaw is throwing his voice off-stage.

And I can share the skepticism he feels towards this latest project that Gil wishes to pursue but look what happened when Gil rung out the football players for sutting in their little cliques. I really don’t recall a time where the football team went through the turnstiles in one motion and sat with the rest of the Globby Happy People. This is yet another exercise in futility and Gil will bail and help his kids work on their putting by the time Vic and the rest of the Greyhound bus he rented to accommodate his dating situation head to the prom.

“Wow!!!!!!!!! Dr. Pearl, I didn’t know you could throw your voice!!!!!!!!!!!”

“And that’s not all she can do. Don’t take on my wife in shuffleboard if you don’t want to lose your money or she’ll clean your wallet fast.”

I remember when one year when my nephew played football and his coach made a good point. When you’re tackling the guy, don’t be on your knees doing it. As his coach said, we’re not begging him to come to the ground.

Good thing Gil isn’t tackling Kaz because Gil would in total genuflection at this point. Gil just looks like he’s entreating Kaz to loan some money because he’s two months behind on the house payment and Milford Federal used his gym as collateral. Gil, we’re only telling Ultraman, er, Kaz that even if Zane is pulling an overextended Doug Guthrie on us, that this Doug will get his head out of the garage and his ass, not necessarily in that order, and come play ball. No need to lick certain parts of the anatomy to get your point across.

And that’s AN ACTUAL TREE growing by itself, it would appear. No growth out of the bushes, Gil’s head, Dr. Pearl’s file cabinet, Andy Rooney’s graded term papers, Corina’s attitude, Doug’s NASCAR jacket or Hadley V.’s case briefs. Somebody actually used the water sprinkler this time. Still got issues with bushes as one little leaf wants to grow up to be a maple leaf but we’re making progress. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

“That’s a real flagitious shot, Keri. You need more work with your putting. Drive for show, putt for dough.”

“Whatever you say, Daddy. Gimme that putter with the Mudlark head.”

At the Shaw residence with Coach Shaw locking himself once again in the bathroom

“Honnnnnneeeeyyyyyyyy, I am Hornnnnnyyyyyyyyyyyyy-uh, why do you sound like Barney Rubble?”

“Go on, Woman. I am practicing throwing my voice. Nobody knew that was me when Coach Kaz was talking to Gil this afternoon. I want to work on my act so that I can add to my repertoire when I peeform on my Jazz guitar. I’ll really wow ’em in the front row at the Go-Go Club. I’ll amaze them when I throw my voice into a stripper’s boobs.”

“Honey, you need to throw something all right and I’m the throwee. Now unwock da widdle door and come to beddie-byeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“No way, Mrs. Shaw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why, I’ll even throw my Elmer Fudd imitation into the shot glasses. I’m tellin’ ya, I’ll work them dancers into a frenzy better than Thelma Houston’s ‘Don’t Leave Me This Way.’ It’ll be amazing to hear ‘My heart is full of love and it’s all for you’ piping out of the onion rings they serve for appetizers with Mr. Fudd on the lead vocals.”

“Darling, I think you’ve polished up your act and I’m sure they’ll go wild over singing beer nuts chiming ‘Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight’ but-“

“Oh Lord, Woman, and when I’m throwing my voice into Bertha Butt when she comes on at midnight, well, did you ever see a butt bigger than the entrance into the Simplon Tunnel croon ‘Hotel California’? I’ll give Classic Rock a new image!!!!!!!!!! They’ll be lining up to buy my new album by the strippers’ dressing room!!!!!!!!!!!”

“You’ll see her butt more than you’ll see mine unfortunately.”

“Don’t worry, after I get done singing ‘Layla Unplugged’ and see if it’ll come out of the commode, I’ll be done with most of my work.”

“Are you going to simply sing “Unplugged” out of your Significant Other?”

“She had me there. And did you ever try to ‘Layla’ out of a toilet? A Velvet Underground tune would have worked better. But with Milford Men’s Clinic and treatment programs that work, I throw more than my voice on my wife. And I don’t have to sing through the bed to get through at all. Come see what The Clinic has to offer and make YOUR voice be heard, once and for all.”

No, Gang, that is not Ultraman in P3. I used to watch it with my younger brothers and cheap superhero entertainment is a specialty of mine. And Batman did not build his Batmobile with cheap plywood the way they built the Ultraman scenes. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

The View from Mount Gilmore

Looking across Gil’s massive schnozz is giving me a huge North by Northwest vibe.

So are the angles of the prairie style window behind his head in P3.

Nothing like starting your day with a Saul Bass title sequence, is there?

Now, about Zane Clark. There are many, but which one is within Rubin’s circle of friends? Can we expect him to comment here this spring? How can we start piecing together his backstory? Will it be as big a red herring as Doug Guthrie’s just was?

Oh, all right. Let’s take a stab. He’s a senior, so most likely this is a one-and-done arc for him. His home life has apparently kept him from coming out for baseball until now, or maybe he came out for baseball before and his home life prevented him from coming out for baseball again until now. Maybe someone in the home had a substance abuse problem, like Aaaaron Aaaagard’s mom. Maybe there was an unplanned addition to the family, like Jaxxxxon Kiser. Or maybe someone got blowtop mad, like Chance Macy. In any event, prepare to be underwhelmed.