You get a pair! And you get a pair!! All y’all get a pair!!!

The week ends with the unbeaten Mudlark hoopers making small talk in the locker room. A snapshot of the NBA Eastern Conference standings as of this morning show the Milwaukee Bucks in first place with a 48-18 record (the best record in the league overall) and the Cleveland Cavaliers in fourth place with a 42-27 record. “Donovan” must refer to Cavs shooting guard Donovan Mitchell, who currently leads the team with a 27.7 ppg average.

Gil breaks up the patter by blowing his whistle inside the locker room. He expects anyone can hear him being temporarily deafened by the echo of the FWEET off the metal lockers? Too funny. But never mind that. Coach Thorp, Coach Ochoa and Tays (what, Emmett not good enough to get called “Coach”? They should call him MISTER Tays!) are gonna level the playing field for Leo by giving everyone on the team a new pair of kicks.

Not just any kicks, mind you, but JAMMERS, the only athletic shoes endorsed by former NFL cornerback Quentin Jammer* that come in a talking shoebox. With all that going for them, it seems pedantic to point out that they haven’t mastered proper English. I’m not talking about the use of what is becoming the accepted form of the second-person plural, but about how to punctuate it. “Y’all” is a contraction of “you all” and, as such, the apostrophe goes in the place where the contracted letters “o” and “u” went, not after a letter that was not contracted. It’s the same as “cannot” becoming “can’t” and “do not” becoming “don’t.”

Now where did the money for all these JAMMERS come from? The proceeds from the Milford Lift-A-Thon, Gil’s Tiger King used car spot, or a secret shoe endorsement deal Gil or Emmett had? Maybe we’ll find out on Monday. Y’all come back now, hear?

*That lighting bolt confirms that these are Quentin Jammer endorsed, since he spent eleven of his twelve seasons playing for the Bolts.

Peach cobbler

So Atazhoon is trying to play with his falling apart shoes. Marty comments about his scoring play with a double description – he only needs to say Lays it in, or Its good, not both.

Hey ref– get in the game. Yes I know they dont have to be up close and personal, but this guy looks like he hasnt moved since he arrived from Foot Locker an hour ago.

Never saw a team with all white t-shirts under their jerseys- Pat Ewing used to wear a gray shirt under his at Georgetown back in the day. But not the whole team.

Hey Gil– its MARCH. Youre just now noticing that one of your players has a safety hazard on his feet? If an opposing player would trip over that piece of shoe and be injured, your school could be sued for his medical bills. So much for all that $$ made at the lift-a-thon, huh??

Hell with your cobbler- you’ll need a lawyer. Dumbass.

One thing sure hasnt changed since the new writer took over– the Milford coaches are still dumb as rocks.

The post title is a shoutout to my moms dessert at some of our holiday parties years ago- it was very good even though her son didnt particularly like it.

No Worries, Coach Tays. The Plot’s Not Going There, Here, Nor Anywhere.

Whew!!!!! We not only keep changing plots like Truck Tyler’s mailing address but now we’re changing the plot within the plot. Yesterday Leo Atazhoon was in the cafeteria eating all his vegetables so he could grow big and strong in other ways besides Luke’s gorilla hair and B.O., now he’s with his sister at what we presume is shortly before tipoff between Milford and Corcoran (“Home of the Flying Corks!!!!!!!”) . We’re not jumping from plot to plot, just sending one on a quantum leap into Milford’s gym, in this case.

We’ve had charity cases in the past. Those of you older Thorpiverse veterans will surely remember Danny Tippett. He was a raw tall jumping bean, possessing the potential to dominate like Jerry Pulver did back in the ‘70’s. His problem, or so it seemed, was that he wasn’t hustling out on the court, wasn’t contesting shots, wasn’t dominating the glass, wasn’t strong driving to the rack. When Tod Andrews was Gil’s assistant, he got so flabbergasted, that he threw in the towel and Gil shortly followed suit. Tippett was handed his walking papers.

Until Gil, while driving home in a falling snow, saw Tippett walking home without a jacket. Now bear in mind, this was before Gil was hitched to Mimi so they both went to a Diner-like restaurant. Gil orders, say, The Diner Meat Loaf-Mashed Potatoes w/Carb-Free Gravy-Asparagus of Champions, Butter 15 Cents/Extra Packet-Gluten Free Rhubarb Pie and Tippett orders the same minus the Kool Whip on the Rhubarb Pie.

This is where the plot makes a turning point. Tippett just wolfs his food down, Coach Thorp in this thought balloon uttering “Good night, he eats like there’s no tomorrow.” As a matter of fact, Tippett ends up eating three of those Meat Loaf Specials, only this time he pours Nutrasweet in his iced tea. Thorp is so concerned (loosely speaking) that he goes over to Tippett’s house and finds the refrigerator practically bare. Thorp orders him to enroll in the School Lunch Program and Tippett is back on the team. No sense in Tippett eating The Diner out of house and Hell and forcing Maureen the Waitress to work double overtime.

“Would you like more sausage biscuits, Mr. Tippett? Sorry we ran out of meat loaf. The slaughterhouse closed down early due to Columbus Day.”

“No problem. Sure, and if you would, bring some more bananas that were lounging in the school cafeteria yesterday.”

Now in the Berrill years, we cussed out the problem child, found out what the problem was at The Diner (Maureen was helpless as the new line cook didn’t know how to make egg rolls) , Gil saw the refrigerator emptier than Luke’s persona, called Milford Health and Human Services, we moved onto the game.

But for the present, it’s like Tippett at The Diner about to order the Hash Brown-Baked Ham w/Pineapple-Cornbread-Rice Pudding, Extra Rice 50 Cents and Maureen asking Gil if he’s still available (pre-Mimi era, keep in mind) , then suddenly switching over to Dr. Pearl in the cafeteria, delirious because Gil didn’t send Tippett there first. Darn it all, Coach, we had plenty of spaghetti for Mr. Tippett because the seniors went on their senior trip to King’s Island. Too late, I already sent it to Milford Food Pantry. Then Tippett dominates on that ugly bald guy that played against the Mudlarks earlier this season and Tippett tells Mr. Clean In Name Only to get the Hell out of my way, I’m gonna score on you because I ate my Wheaties and Lucky Charms and Honey Nut Cheerios this morning. Maureen ran out of Fruit Loops but I’m still gonna dunk in yo’ ass. Then going back to the fire drill and Tippett hiding under the table and Keri there with him, telling him “Nice Game”. Oh, and did you eat all your Spam at lunch?

We’re still on topic, just a few diversions. Hey, I don’t have to take the Florida Turnpike from Miami to Orlando. There are many ways to avoid the alligators, Tippett.

I read where many Bigfoot incidents was as a result of some jerk in an ape suit with a sick sense of humor. Boy, he’d fit right in around here

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Bigfoot Sighting Deemed A Hoax After Thorough Investigation By Milford Police!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Upon further review, officials told the neighborhood that it was just Luke Lunkhead getting his mail.”

Is there a word called “quieten”? Apparently, according to some dictionaries, there is. Hmmmmmmmm

“Gil, can you go quieten Chance Macy? He’s disturbing our Chem Lab class.”

“I’ll talk him down from the cafeteria table and settle him down.”

Whoever did the drawing in P1 in today’s strip must have borrowing Marty’s bottle. The figure in the upper left hand corner is an objet d’art only Picasso can interpret. And what is up with someone protruding his or her leg down below. It COULD be a cheerleader but usually they’re all kicking to, say, the school song. Maybe some little old lady from Pasadena is kickin’ up her heels to James Brown’s “Get Up, I Feel Like a Sex Machine”. Gil was kicking some member of the team for missing the Team Sloppy Joe event. It could be a multitude of things, assuming the appendage is connected to a human being. I don’t see any elephants in the room, not literally anyway. Then there are 3-4 fans dressed as Casper the Friendly Ghost (i.e., they’re not exposing their crotch but that doesn’t mean they’re wearing clothes) and okay, artwork details are not what they used to be when you’re paying the artists minimum wage. But why are they facing AWAY from the game? What are they watching besides the wall? If we’re going to go helter-skelter with the Magic Marker, can we apply some logic to the sketchy sketches?

Finally, nice to see Sabrina and one of witch relatives there to support the Mudlarks. Cartoon characters need to look out for each other.

I was crossing an Interstate highway bridge last night and construction was being done on the bridge. I chortled when I saw two saw horses supporting a huge piece of plywood which appeared to be a crude version of a work table

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Causeway Bridge Project Delayed For Two Weeks, Says The State Department Of Highways!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Highway spokesperson: ‘Our Logistics department had to order two power saws and a hacksaw, plus some Black and Decker drills. The backlog should clear up by St. Patrick’s Day.”

On WDIG-TV on an early evening after the 6:00 News

“Don’t miss this Friday’s feature ‘Bigfoot on Gil’s Verandah: Fact or Fiction?’, only on WDIG-TV, The El Dorado of Fine Broadcasting.”

Judging by the sneakers in P2, this is shaping up to be another Danny Tippett feel-good-Horatio Alger story. But the shoes are typical of the artwork in general. Like that’s an exception. No, I doubt Tobias would want to wear those klunkers, let alone to dunk on but he’s not drawing his own shoes. Somebody else in the Thorpiverse art room is taking freelance artist terminology much too literally. Yeah, we’re sure you work better independently but independent efforts doesn’t mean you have to doodle. When Tippett was eating cottage cheese, you didn’t draw Long John Silvers Crab Platter in its stead. I’d hate to see what The Diner Lasagna Special appeared like. A cheap version of “Beware The Blob!!!!!!!”???? All the sugar peas become “Them!!!!!!!”???????

Don’t get Thorpiverse started. “Godzilla Versus Leo’s Ratty Shoes”, part of a double feature at Milford Drive-In along with “Mary Poppins”.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Overpass On Mudlark Parkway Slated To Begin Construction By End Of March!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Project Manager feels confident construction crews will have plenty of brads in their tool belts by the Ceremonial First Dig.”

“Coach!!!!!! Coach!!!!!!! I know who shot Coach Shaw!!!!!!”

“Man, it’s about time justice was served. Who was it?”

“It was-“

MAN, WHERE’D YOU GET THOSE SNEAKERS???? AT THE DUMPSTER BEHIND GOODWILL????

And is this the start, perhaps, of ANOTHER PLOT???? Emmett Tays trash-talking Leo about his footware???? This’ll drag down to Fred Sanford and Esther proportions.

“Man, your shoes are so ugly, yo mama had ta use ‘em when she ran out of D-Con for the mice.”

“Fred, look who’s talkin’!!!!! If God had seen yo wuthless butt on Mount Sinai, he would have added another commandment.”

“Yeah, but when I wear shoes, I don’t use duct tape for shoestrings.”

“Lawdy, Lawdy, Fred Sanford, when God built The Temple, he used only the finest stone; if you’d been doin’ the buildin’, we’d have money changers sellin’ yo cheap scrap metal for 30 pieces of silver!!!!!”

“Esther, speakin’ of profanin’, take yo cruddy footware off. You is profanin’ my floor with all the leather droppings. And I just sent ta git my vacuum repaired. I don’t got a pooper scooper handy.”

I think we better stop. I hope Emmett catches the hint.

Late Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Local 809 Carpenters Union Threatens Strike At Milford Gym Annex!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Union officials cite lack of proper equipment, such as machine lathe or ballpeen hammers, the focal point at the bargaining table.”

Oh, don’t hurt his feelings, Emmett.

Fine, but as we learned in umpiring, don’t make a bad call worse by doing a make-up call. That’s what Emmett is doing in P3.

Gee, Leo, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say you bought those shoes in the Lawn & Garden Department at Rural King. Really, they look real sexy on you. Girls find that Larry the Cable Guy duct tape utterly sexy. Scrounginess is the essence of cool. I saw Miles Davis wear those once while he was doing master takes on “Filles de Kilimanjaro”. Bebop musicians wore those all the time. Yardbird was killer at Minton’s Playhouse playing “Dizzy Atmosphere” in those foot rags. We should order some for the whole team. Y’know, promote team unity.

No ‘i’ in the word “Ratty Sneakers”, Coach Tays. I get it.

“We’ll be back for the opening tap after these messages. By then, the gym should be de-liced from the sneakers. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Would you like your shower and tub construction remodeled but are afraid it will collapse in the basement? Afraid of the cost. My neighbor settled for a cut-rate shower remodeler and he got what he slid his debit card through the machine for. He honestly should have just shredded it. He spent what he saved on a case of Rust-Oleum.

Greetings, this is Mr. Dr. Pearl and you are not obligated to The Bathtub Inferno. Milford Bath Magic wants you to walk into your tub as if you were engaging in your first baby step. They have all the angles covered, even with Milford Better Business Bureau. No more bounced checks because the project was living beyond its means. They received the $50 bill from the prison warden and moved on to the other side of the Elysian Fields.

With several designs that are tailored to your budget, why settle for cheap bricks that have been languishing at Milford Rail Yards when you can experience the same stone montage used by Michaelangelo when he was performing great things in the name Our Lord at Sistine Chapel? Watching the water gently flow from the shower head while immersed in God touching Adam, if only figuratively, by the soap dish effectuates this epiphany a tremendous bargain.

And wonderful news!!!! We have seating arrangements!!!!!!!! For much less than Leon Dunham’s contract, Milford Bath Magic will install incredulous benches intended to provide the gluteus maximus with the comfort it so craves plus the lumbar liberation so retained while waiting for Milford Gas & Electric to warm up the pipes. I can inform you heart to heart, it is gratifying being situated before entering my washing process, knowing my bank account will cover the expenditures for once in my life.

We also have a bracing bar and a shower curtain prop. You can get the shower started and not have to express concern about your water cascading down the steps. We do not wish to be a Niagara Falls exhibit for our neighbors like it was during the Christmas season. Maintaining the luxury of closing the curtain assures of this very precarious event. Plus I do occasional pull-ups to show off in front of Mrs. Dr. Pearl. Rest assured, she’s in ecstasy when I’m performing tricep dips on the bracing bar.

And with the finest treated wood this side of the Cedars of Lebanon, you can take it to Milford Federal that the bath/shower complex will never collapse like it did at my neighbor’s bathroom. Samson couldn’t have done a better job. You can take a shower and apply body wash, knowing full well the wood could hold Dumbo if he was exterminating his dandruff with Head & Shoulders.

Is that enough to convince you? Or will a coupon good for 20% off your next toilet/shower installment added motivation? Heavens, poop or get out of the shower because Milford Bath Magic is determined to secure your business. Come see all the amenities they have in store and let nature run its course when you’re singing in the rain. You’ll be glad you did.”

Something appealing

Something appalling

Something for everyone

A comedy tonight

Gang, Coach Tays could have been more subtle than “A Funny Thing Happened To Me On The Way to the Forum”. But he’s the coach, I suppose.

At Milford Causeway construction site

“Joe, you got a crescent wrench? I need to screw this I-beam in place.”

“I think George is using it to secure the concrete barriers.”

“Be/All That You Can Be…”

That was disappointing. What started out as a promising street brawl with two adults who really ought to know better than to bring their bar room vendettas to a youth competition morphed into a “I Want You For The U.S. Army” poster. Not that I begrudge our military but this careened into a “Go With Navy” promo right quick. That’s right, we’re looking for a few good men who can tolerate Gil’s lack of competence. You saw the photo shoot today. P3 indicates they’re lining up in the streets for more tomfoolery. They’ll go to war to defend the Commies and terrorists from attacking our fearless leader even if he’s coaching as if Heehaw had any chance. Nope, she’s still hooked to the machine, Gil. Better go back to Milford Lounge and see if Beth the Bartender has another mai tai cocktail awaiting.

This is not a misprint.

“Gil gladly stepped out of the spotlight to encourage the players.”

And if you believe that, I got property out by Milford Valley Vineyards to sell you on consignment.

Look no further than a few panels ago when Gil and Lunkhead were engaged in a Loser Gets His Gorilla Hair Shaved match using Milford Tornado Rules (RIP, Gordon Soley) . Gil wasn’t encouraging the players then, other than get the funk out of my way or more heads will roll besides Lunkhead’s. And it took his players to do the encouraging. Coach, don’t be a jerk like you were at the bar last year or in general, except when sloppy joes are getting meted out. Luke really isn’t worth it (I’ve dealt with buttholes like that as a coach, they aren’t) and you’re ruining the competition with your playground antics and mentality. Sit down, bad little boys, and let the teenagers do the real lifting.

Fortunately, Luke took his gorilla hair and went home (although that looks like him in P3 and maybe…) , even though he left a healthy chunk of change for the Mudlark athletic programs. So now we’re stuck with “#1 DUD” to run the rest of the show. The lifters don’t disappoint, unlike this storyline(s). Maybe Democracy will finance the whole operation for years to come so we don’t have to worry about The Planet of the Apes returning next year. I think they finally ran out of sequels.

Gang, I saw this word “brutify”. Now does mean someone has nothing better to do with his or her time than to make Dennis the Menace a brute. One day, he’s sitting in the corner because he called his a mom a whore, next day he turns into Hagar the Horrible and ransacks and pillages Mr. Wilson’s domicile next door? I wonder

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Luke Lunkhead Gets Brutified, Is In Critical Condition At Milford General!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The point of no return is believed to occurred when he was in his 2nd set on leg presses.”

“No, no, Gil, I was only kidding. You can’t be serious.”

“Luke you signed it and a deal’s a deal. I cooked your butt on the weights and you know what the loser has to do. Here’s a shovel and the dogs are all gone. Get going. The Glad bags are on the picnic table.”

Gang, of course, Gil has to be conveying the message “#1 DAD”. But you have to admit your imagination is running wild. C’mon, come clean. This Escher perspective is a bit confusing, aided and abetted by the letter in the middle. Is it an A or a U? Common sense will tell you Gil would never wear “#1 DUD” when egging on his players to new athletic heights. It conveys a bad image. Not that Gil is ever to be confused with a real coach (you’re kidding-right?) but why advertise?

I also entertained the idea that the middle letter was the backwards “R”, which means “I” in Russian. But why would Gil be wearing shirts with the Cyrillic alphabet? “I am a #1 DUD” in Russian? “I’m going to pull the plug on Heehaw after I kick Lunkhead’s butt” in the Cyrillic way of thinking? “I wish Dr. Pearl was here because she signed it off rather than being at her bridge social” written by Leon Trotsky?

The trees are finally in decent order although I don’t think trees stick out of weightlifters’ butts. Gil, you need to do a better job of spotting.

“Oh you beast!!!!!! You know how to brutify a woman!!!!!!”

“Most assuredly, Dr. Pearl, and wait’ll you see the other toys I have in my brief case that I bought at our neighbor’s yard sale, Honey Bun, Sweety Bumpers.”

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Luke Lunkhead Changes Mind, Will Not File An Appeal!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Rumors abound that attorney Cochran and Coach Kim numbered Coach Thorp’s reps and certified they saw the same thing, despite Lunkhead’s charges of a miscount.”

Oooooookkkkkk, I think we have all the S & H Green Stamps accounted for, so go ahead and stick them in that cardboard box. You know, the one that was once the World’s Finest Chocolate crate.

And what would a teenager be doing taking the money, unless maybe that’s the class treasurer? He does overtime collecting funds for the athletic department? He wasn’t one of the lifters, he was earmarking money the entire competition? He was budgeting money for the wrestling program while Godzilla versus The Gorilla-Hair Monster was at fever pitch? He set some aside for the archery team while the kids had to tell Godzilla to take a chill pill? Oh, sorry, Mr. Treasurer, those are tokens I had left over from Milford Car Wash when I was sending through the chute for a complete wash job, waxing the bumper included. My bad.

However, upon closer inspection, chunky jewelry giving away her identity, that appears to be Coach Ochoa pocketing, er, taking the funds for this extra-curricular event. But still, the song remains the same. Is this part of her coaching duties, Fund Revenue Monitoring? I hope it’s not her ONLY onus of duty. With Gil talking garbage with a man whose garbage-for-brains, I think it’s safe to say that Coach Ochoa will have an expanded role in her coaching responsibilities.

Then again, expecting Coach Thorp to take charge of ANYTHING, let alone fiscal matters was a stretch. He was too busy watching Luke with his tail between his legs when the latter was going back to the mirror for more positive self-analysis. Lord knows, we wouldn’t want Gil to trouble himself when the athletic programs are in a pinch. We know running Rommel back across the African plains takes priority in your life. Oh, besides improving your sex life; however, vigorously pumping squats won’t help you there.

“Oh, Gil, I love how you brutify me!!!!!! Oh, keep it coming!!!!!!!!”

“Easy, Mimi, the doctor said it would take several hours for the side effects of that medication to wear off.”

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Competition Was A Success!!!!!!!! The Lift-A-Thon Raises $563,389,001!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Joe Sharkey sends in last-minute Cashier’s Check.”

And wait a minute. Funded ANNUALLY???? I’m all for the concept, don’t get me wrong, but a dogfight between two dogs of a coach plus lifting by Archie & The Gang hardly convinces me that they cleared enough to pay for the programs many years over. Okay, one year would make sense but unless Tobias’ mom won big at Milford Powerball, I just can’t see the track team getting several years of financial underwriting based on one dubious Lift-a-Thon with questions keeping a healthy pace with the answers. I will concede one silver lining in this black cloud that surrounded mainly Gorilla Luke (mainly his B.O.) and that’s that we stuck to the main theme for more than one day. We didn’t watch Luke Gorilla attempt to bench press 600 pounds, only to switch over to Bobby Howry advertising that used car dealership that Gil pandered to a few weeks ago. We’re making progress.

If ya have ta use a Rural King push mower ta git all tha gorilla hair offa yore corporeal structure, ya might be a redneck.

This whole farce mercifully ends in a group photo shoot. Okay, that’s not Gorilla Luke, that’s Luciano Pavarotti’s grandson. The lack of ugly pubic chest hair that you spray D-Con on once a week gave it away. And nice to see Goober from Mayberry in the next county show his visage today. We needed the comic relief so he was a godsend. There are a couple of Tom Petty’s nicely situated. Even one of the mutant poplars is sneaking into this composite from the upper right-hand corner.

But no way will I accept that Bill Haley & The Comets promo with Gil sporting those Haley poodle locks. Oh, we’re trying to build Gil’s image. Being on TV talking about that clunker that a little old lady from New Thayer drive didn’t help matters in that regard, Bill, er, Gil.

“And Gil will win the sudden death standoff after managing to get that Roadway trailer off the ground. Luke could even lift the tire jack that came with it. I’ll have final thoughts in a moment and wrap this Lift-a-Thon up. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

WHACKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!! CRACKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

“Oh my God!!!!!! My head is split open!!!!!!! Why don’t you watch where you’re going with that weight, Luke!!!!!!!”

“Goodness gracious!!!!!! Percival, your skull looks like a Mack truck went through it!!!!!! Quick!!!!!! Someone call The Shark!!!!!!! Then call 9-1-1!!!!!!!!!! The ambulance driver should be on call this week!!!!!!!!!!”

“When my client, Percival Stinkfelt, came into my office, he had multiple contusions, several lacerations of the medulla oblongata, his nose was bleeding, his eyes were out of socket, and his cranium required 154 stitches. 87-pound weights, when they slip from the barbell during a clean-and-jerk and fall on Chicken Little, will wedge comfortably into your cortex every time. We did research on that barbell company and they weren’t even registered with Milford Better Business Bureau. Plus Luke Flunky had a doctor’s note disqualifying him from squatting more than fifty pounds. We were going to win this competition without lifting a finger.”

“Mr. Flunky even had a court order disbarring him from approaching Mudlark students after he and his Sharks pulled out a switchblade at a grocery store frequented by the Jets. I understand that he wanted to beat the Jets at candy sales but he had no business endangering people’s lives by attempting to lift 13,567 pounds just because Coach Thorp bluffed him. If Coach Thorp ate a bag full of nails at The Bucket, would Mr. Flunky follow suit? All in all, I received $735,723,812 for my troubles. I am going to use the money to build a gym in the den. And maybe a swimming pool, I haven’t decided yet. Maintenance can be expensive. The rest will go towards my retirement. Thanks, Shark.“

“You heard the man. We will make any man pay for drinking and lifting weights just as much as if he was drinking and driving. We’ll even make him take a breathalyzer test after curling 354 pounds, if necessary. We leave no stone unturned. Now, there’s deadlines to file your claims so if you get it sent in before Guy Fawkes Day but after Spring Break commences when the moon rises over Blue Ridge Mountains in Virginia but just before the sun rises on Mount Katahdin and the squirrels haven’t eaten what they stashed behind the oak trees, you should be okay and we’ll cheerfully process your claim. Call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. One call, that’s all.”

See you later, Alligator

After while, Croco-Gil

Nope, better try again. That’s too awkward. Something has to rhyme with Gil. Swill? Maybe.

God bless you all, Gang.

“Oh honey child, I love the way you brutify me.”

“Hadley, nice try, but we’re not moving back to Milford.”

Can I Get A Lift?

Sorry, no commentary from me today. If any team members want to chime in and/or tag this post, feel free.

Now Kiss!

Gentle readers, I freely admit that I’m not sure how a Lift-A-Thon is supposed to work. I would think a certain amount of money is pledged per pound and/or per rep lifted. The pledges must count for the same amount regardless of the weightlifting movement used. For example, in P1 Luke is doing the 33 1/3 RPM press while in P2 Gil is doing the OB/GYN snatch. Those are Gil’s knees poking up from the bottom of the panel, aren’t they?

As for powerlifters, he might’ve been no Alexseyev but in my mind, Paul Anderson has to be rated among the all-time greats. Born in Toccoa, a small north Georgia town better known for a pretty little waterfall and a pretty little Amtrak (formerly Southern) station, Anderson discovered weightlifting while on a football scholarship at Furman. He would leave football behind and focus on weightlifting, going on to win the AAU championship and touring the Soviet Union before winning gold at the 1956 Summer Olympics in Melbourne.

Once Anderson lost his amateur status, he spent the rest of his life performing Guinness Book style powerlifting feats. More importantly, he and his wife would open a home for troubled youth in Vidalia (of onion fame) that still operates to this day. He helped support the home through speaking engagements and became a supporter of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. Sadly, Paul Anderson would succumb to the chronic kidney disease that plagued him throughout his life at age 61 in 1994.

Back to our story and the conflict at its core: the rivalry between Gil and Luke that wasn’t a rivalry until Gil let it become one. Remember the Gil who played the bigger man card when his football team lost a squeaker to Luke’s Valley Tech squad? Where’d that guy go? Did he disappear once Mimi called him Muscle Man, or did he suffocate under the smoldering sexual tension that’s all but obvious as he and Luke lock peepers?

Join us again on Monday when this dick measuring contest comes to a head.

Guess Luke is a midget

I guess the Lift-A-Thon is outside, on a nice day I might add. Its only early March; out here and in the Midwest in general the weather is way too iffy in March to have an event of this type outdoors. But on we go. Of course Luke acts stand-offish when Gil merely states his name, as if Luke expected Gil to be shocked at his presence at this event, even though we all knew damn well that these 2 were gonna run into each other here and have a showdown like the OK Corral in the old West.

P2- why is Gil lifting the weights behind his back? Sure seems harder that way. Just clean and jerk over your head doofus. Like this–

501 pounds. Take that you wimps of the comic strip. Gil wouldnt be talking in mid-lift if he was really lifting some serious weight. Vasily is a study in concentration back in the 70’s as he got it up to 528 pounds over his head. He probably couldve lifted 600 but he wanted to break his own record slowly.

Have You Ever Taken A Good Look At Yourself In The Mirror, Luke? Wait A Minute, Dumb Question.

Don’t get me wrong. I always look forward to February where I can post about Black History Month and discuss several African-Americans who have made a difference in our lives, many times because SOMEONE gave them the chance to shine and they shone. And because I am a HUGE Jazz fan and many African-Americans were disappearing from the landscape, IMO, that made Jazz the great genre that it is, I have posted on this site and on my high school class site these beautiful people that made a difference.

But getting back to crude reality is, as Cab Calloway once said, is a solid bringer-downer. The Lift-a-Thon is finally here, kinda sorta like that bill that some company says you owe them but never send and just when you think you’ve entered the Garden of Eden, you check your mailbox one more time. Getting snake-bit one more time is the equivalent of Luke finding cracks in the mirror.

But here we are and for how long is about like asking how long Narcissus Martinez will be ogling himself at your nearby neighborhood pond, although P3 strongly suggests that that’s not Thurston Howell III doing the trash-talking. So I don’t think tomorrow Mimi and her golf instructor will be breaking down her swing over a Reuben sandwich at Amelia’s Chuck Wagon.

And Rodney Barnes (I’m thinking) is getting school funds the old-fashioned way (WORK) and not posing as Burger King and his Prince while peddling vape sticks on the black market. Maybe I wasn’t crazy having to endure one arc where for one day Gil was on TV endorsing Sonny Bono’s Illegitimate Cousin’s Used Cars but the price we pay to get fine wine or closure to story ideas, I suppose.

But then I ask, do we REALLY need to have Bob Barker on the mike at this event???? TOBIAS GORDON, COME ON DOWN, YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON ‘THE LIFT IS RIGHT’!!!!!!!!! What are we going to have next, Bob asking the contestants by their little booths how much they think the lifters are going to lift????

“Now, contestants, you know Gil has been eating U-bolts for breakfast so be careful what you answer here. The one who comes closest with out going over wins a chance at our Milford Fitness Club Sweepstakes. How much do you think Coach Thorp can bench press? Tobias?

“450 pounds.”

“Rod?”

“451 pounds.”

“Darius?”

The crowd goes wild

500!!!!!!! 350!!!!!!!! 98!!!!!!!!! 610!!!!!!!!! 10,002!!!!!

“Uh, er, um, hmmm, uh 740!!!!!!!!”

“Emmett?”

“310.”

“The actual weight Gil lifted without getting a hernia to his hair was 327 pounds and Emmett is the winnerrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!! Johnny Olsen, besides the Sweepstakes, tell Emmett what else he’s won.”

“Right you are, Bob. Emmett will find it easier to get to basketball practice driving Doug’s Terry Labonte race carrrrrrrrrr…”

And I realize that at events like this, there is indeed an emcee with a mike to coordinate the whole event but with the way these Silly Putty Plots have been interweaving lately, it makes me want to beg Thorpiverse to bring Marty Moon back on a regular basis even if he once appeared in the strip recently as Chico & The Man. Hold on, did I just say I’d rather have Marty behind the mine rather than Pat Sajak? Wash your mouth out with soap, T. Drew.

Bruce Pearl, coach of the Auburn Tigers, was being interviewed yesterday and I was not surprised at his tirade, having watched him coach when he was at University of Southern Indiana. The definite positive on him was his excellent relationship with the general public. I used to watch him in the gym in friendly chatting sessions with the soccer moms while he was on the exercise bike or conversing with some fans in the upper row right before tip-off. But once the game started he was a man possessed. I have seen few coaches match his intensity and it used to scare me sometimes how much he was getting into the game. I have to give him credit, he just wanted to win more than the other coach.

Therefore, yesterday was simply par for the course. When he said his players got SMASHED and he angrily flung the headphones down to cut the interview short, it was vintage Bruce Pearl theater.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Angry At Officiating, Says His Players Got SMASHED In Recent Contest With New Thayer!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Thorp: ‘And I don’t mean from one of Beth the Bartender’s Mai Tai Cocktails!!!!!!!!!!’”

At the Lift-a-Thon

“I’d like for Dr. Pearl to come forward to show our appreciation for her support for this event!!!!!!”

Coach Ochoa whispering in Gil’s ear

“She can’t make it. She’s on her shift on the bathroom detail.”

I’ll admit the artwork has substantially improved today, judging by the trees that aren’t hunching other trees as history has displayed in many years past. I do wonder what that structure is behind Cami and Rod. I was going to say a forklift but why would E.T. be wheeling one around if I’m getting that cartoon blob in the structure correctly? Oh, I forgot, we need a vehicle to cart in the weights. With Luke, only a Radio Flyer is necessary. It’s possible it’s some kind of hot dog stand or lemonade stand but again, why would E.T. be selling corn dogs? It’s some kind of booth because I don’t think there’s a market for outdoor Port-a-Pots but at least we’ll know how much Rod lifted, $40 worth, or 160 pounds (the rules stated when Gil was at the Vape-Smoking While Flag-Raising incident) . I’m ignorant on outdoor toilet technology but my algebra skills paid off again.

Then I wonder if Bob Barker is talking from a mike or eating a Klondike bar from a popsicle stick. I’ll give the benefit of the doubt but if Bob’s a chocoholic, the scales of justice might suddenly turn towards the decadent side. Roaring ‘20’s wouldn’t have anything on his penchant for Snickers Shish Kebab. And that person in the right hand corner looks like he forgot where to stick the Klondike bar and missed his mouth. With enough practice, you’ll improve your aim, Big Guy.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Martinez: ‘I GOT SMASHED!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Vandals were reported to have done severe damage to Valley Tech’s weight room, including the mirrors.”

So Rodney Barnes will go take a smoke break if there’s any vape sticks left at the Bozo stand and we are prepping for Gil to show off his muscles and prove that he has more there than in his cerebrum. I have a front row seat to watch the suspense dissipate. And I’m all for good clean fun but this alternating between Rodney squatting the weight of a Chevy Silverado and thereby contributing beaucoup dollars to the Milford Athletic Fund to help foot the bill to get the electricity out of “shutoff” status from Milford Gas & Electric and Tobias pushing vape sticks on Milford Elementary property disguised as The Good Humor Man is getting old, but fast. Thorpiverse, let’s wrap this one pronto and send Tobias to San Quentin and have Rodney be a volunteer assistant next to Emmett and Cami, then let’s get to baseball. You’ve made your point and that’s the point. We never really wanted you to make it. Too many fillers in the barbells.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Mimi Thorp: ‘He Got SMASHED!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Ambulance arrived several minutes after Marty Moon passed out in the bleachers. His blood alcohol count from the Milford Bourbon Distillery was 3 times over the limit.”

“Mopman, I’m going to go fill the toilet paper dispenser on the 2nd floor boys room now.”

“I already filled it, Dr. Pearl.”

What is it with these Batman sound effects? WAP???? That sounds like a noise Robin would make when using The Penguin’s umbrella to WAP a few of the members of Penguin’s gang when they’re playing that Ventures version of the ‘60’s Batman Theme towards the end of the show when it’s clear The Penguin is going to get his butt handed to him and sent to the Gotham City Prison, primarily getting sent there because he fights Batman like Jughead Jones fights Moose Mason.

I’d accept SLAP!!!! That’s what they’re doing anyway. When Batman is beating The Penguin with a waffle iron, he doesn’t SLAP or WAP him with it. Maybe KER-PLUNK or BONGGGG but definitely never WAP!!!!! That sounds like a noise Dr. Pearl would make when she was applying a little extra oomph on the mop to remove the 4-day-old bird dropping stain on the hallway floor by the entrance. Wrens and whippoorwills sometimes lose their way and poop in panic. Thank God Dr. Pearl didn’t forget to add Borax to the mop bucket that she normally uses to wash Mr. Dr. Pearl’s Dickie pants when he’s doing community service for his church so that she can WAP the floors effectively. You can’t let the State Supervisor of Schools see poop remains on the tiles. Amazing what WAPPing will do.

I mean you WAP Jami on the rear end every time he steals Dungeons & Dragons pieces from the Martinez family. Not that Gil doesn’t like to watch Luke get his comeuppance but we do have the Ten Commandments embedded in the concrete in front of Milford Courthouse for a reason.

I read where a dog act at a college basketball halftime created a little problem. Let’s just say the gym floor needed more than a towel to wipe than sweat off the floor

Extra Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Dr. Pearl Rescinds Order To Evacuate The Gym!!!!!!!!! Says The Pine-Sol Remove The Canine Detritus And The Ensuing Odor!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Problems were created during the St. Bernard’s Disco Drill routine at the Milford-Goshen halftime entertainment.”

“I want to get SMASHED!!!!!!”

“Gil, that’s your 6th Harvey Wallbanger. And I’m about to close up.”

This is so stupid. Now who ELSE is going to show up and make those kind of comments in P3???? Thorpiverse, I know you’re trying to add an element of suspense and leave us on the edge of our seat but we can safely prognosticate that that isn’t Heehaw or her nurse’s aide that let fly that bit of trash talk. If you’re going to play “I Have A Surprise For You”, will you do a better job of hiding the treasure chest full of gold coins that you got your big fatass rump on? Sheesh.

C’mon, Thorpiverse. Like that’s Mr. Green Jeans or Sluggo that’s about to play Apollo Creed on you. Yeah, Mr. Green Jeans, talk is cheap. You better have more in your suspenders than you’re jawing with the crowd and me about. Oh, you say you can military press 500 pounds? Do you have to use your backhoe as a lifter’s aid? And you can curl 200? You sure the weights are pure iron? Looks like you’ve been pumping popcorn. You can leg lift 180 pounds? Did your mother fudge a few weight plates when no one was looking?

Hits right at the gut, Thorp.

Gang, I love these pet cremation ads. For less than what you pay on your gas & electric at a medium-sized business, you can have Fido fried peacefully with no further problems. Oooookkkkk.

“Losing your pet is always a traumatic time. I know, when I lost Rover just after the Bull Moose Party disbanded, I was in tears for weeks. Greetings, this is Dr. Pearl orating on behalf of Milford Funeral Home and they understand the grieving process when Lassie is lacerated into a million pieces when the Milford & Oakwood soldiers on at its midnight run or Rin Tin Tin gets bludgeoned by one of Luke’s barbells. We need time to reflect all the good times when Otto slept peacefully next to Sergeant Snorkel.

But Milford Funeral Home is also agonizingly cognizant that the vox populi may not be able to sustain the heavy financial burden when Father Time and the Face of Death is ready to transport Marmaduke to The Elysian Fields. That is why they are implementing a special this month that will see your Spot or Garfield face the Lake of Fire irenically and you don’t have the locks changed at your abode that night.

For $175, your precious pet will be sent to the chamber with no further questions asked and you can enjoy the free funeral service that is led by a student from Milford Community College Jimmy Swaggart School of Religion. Isn’t it grand to get peace of mind knowing that the Stairway to Heaven will not have a construction crew with a flag man in the way?

For those of you on a tighter budget, $120 will transport Barfy down a conveyor belt without any embalming process involved. It’s logical. It really isn’t necessary to apply any ornamentation to rigor mortis when the ornament is being sent to earthly perdition and brimstone even if Barfy is spiritually and safely accompanied by angels to his dog house in the sky. A retired military chaplain is on staff to give Barfy a 21-gun salute.

And even if you have to go lower, no worries. For $59, Milford Funeral Home has partnered with Milford Sanitation Inc. to deal with the unpleasant realities of life. Knowing that Rivets is safely in a Glad bag in a recycle tote about to be cremated to the Great Beyond with “Taps” thrown in as an extra at your porch step makes you glad somebody cares about your shoestring budget.

And if you act now in the next two days, Milford Funeral Home will throw in a Celebration of Life party at the Milford Salvation Army Fellowship Hall with all the catering accounted for and the Salvation Army Band playing “Seasons in the Sun”, regardless of the budget plan you utilize. I could have used that when my pet Guinea pig died of pneumonia during the time Lee Harvey Oswald was assassinated.

Come consult with the fine people at Milford Funeral Hone today or whenever your pet feels like crossing the River Styx and let Heaven sweep you away without having to meet St. Peter. The Pearly Gates await Lassie and the funeral director awaits your presence.”

Gang, no. That is NOT Coach Knight in P3. And he didn’t bring Boilermaker Pete the donkey, so put those ugly rumors aside.

But God bless you anyway.

“Thorp, you couldn’t lift your telephone to call 9-1-1!!!!!!!”

“Aw, shut up, Mr. Moose and start pumping some iron.”