This Week in Milford

November 21, 2022

Milford Healthcare Mysteries

Filed under: glasses on forehead, Keri Thorp, metapost, talking windows — nedryerson @ 4:32 am

Keri’s volleyball injuries were serious enough to bypass Trainer Rick Scott (if there is a Trainer Rick Scott in the Barajas Milfordverse) and send her straight to the Milford Medical Center. Is the Milford Medical Center something more than a walk-in clinic with a swanky entryway? The MMC has a nice picture window where you can look in and see the staff assessing patients. That’s cool. If the smoking lady hanging out on the front step wants to take a gander at an ankle assessment, she should have a nice view.

So the doctor, or physicians assistant, or nurse practitioner, or licensed practical nurse, or certified nurses assistant doing the examination has determined that the diagnosis is a bruised ankle. But Ned, you say, some of those occupational categories you named can’t write prescriptions! Ah, but who writes a prescription for ibuprofen? It could be a CNA writing a “subscription” on any ol’ pad with a Ziggy cartoon on it. Okay, sure, maybe you need a prescription for a higher dosage than the over-the-counter ibuprofen, but I’ve always been baffled by that when you can do you own dosage with the over-the-counter stuff by gobbling down whatever you want. Okay so maybe the prescription is for a higher dosage with a time release….okay, okay why did I wander down this path? Take some Advil, that’ll be $120. That’s what we have here.

It is possible to go overboard with ibuprofen, but I don’t know how many kids get themselves messed up on over-the-counter pain medication. If the risk is that serious, maybe it’s something that should be discussed with the parent or guardian of a minor!

The Comics Curmudgeon bailed me out this morning by posting today’s Gil Thorp. I don’t know where he gets comics. He has alluded to having a super secret source. I still got nothing on GoComics or seattle pi. Good luck to us going forward. ned

February 12, 2022

I’m the CAPTAIN. At least for now.

I don’t know what the weather was like today where you are, gentle readers, but here in the Mid-Atlantic it was gorgeous, a glimpse of spring in dreary mid-February. Sunny, a few high clouds, temperatures in the high fifties Fahrenheit, even touching 60 in some places. What a day, then, to spend as much time outdoors as possible, hence my getting to today’s post very late in the day. As I write a winter weather advisory is in effect; snow is forecast to begin around 1 AM EST with a total of 1-3 inches expected, and temperatures will have plummeted about 40 degrees from current by this time tomorrow night. Fun while it lasted, but take heart: true spring is not that far away.

Let’s dive into today’s strip by first reading the US Air Force Academy Honor Code Oath:

We will not lie, steal, or cheat, nor tolerate among us anyone who does. Furthermore, I resolve to do my duty and to live honorably, (so help me God).

The Honor Oath is administered during a ceremony associated with the Acceptance Day Parade, when basic cadets are formally recognized as fourth-class cadets after completion of Basic Cadet Training (BCT). Once the oath is administered, each cadet is expected to live up to the letter and spirit of the code.

That emphasis is mine. Acceptance Day marks the end of basic cadet training – six weeks of mental, physical and military training. USAFA cadets are expected to live up to the Honor Code after completion of BCT. The Honor Oath is not administered to USAFA appointees during their senior year of high school.

That aside, under what conditions can a USAFA appointee have his or her appointment revoked? My understanding from spending way too much time researching this evening is that, while this is rare, it can happen for medical (e.g., breaking a major bone), academic (e.g., failing a class the last semester of senior year), and conduct (e.g., DUI, drug/alcohol arrest/conviction) reasons. In this age of social media, putting pics of oneself in a cardboard bikini online might rate, but I can’t be certain about that.

Obviously this has really upset Hollis; her irises have been completely drained of color. I am also drained having spent the last couple of hours* trying to suss out whether Hollis is on an over-reacting ego trip or if there really is any merit to her notion that not narcing on her underaged-drinking teammate will result in the loss of her ticket to Colorado Springs. On the other hand, if she does narc on her underaged-drinking teammate, she may end up with the kind of injury that will lead to a medical revocation of her appointment.

I’m thinking mountains out of molehills, but will be glad to be proven wrong. Talk amongst yourselves as you wait for the Super Bowl to start.

* Seriously, I spent so much time looking at service academy forums that I forgot to rant about how much I hate how Whigham draws molecular structures.

Sunday evening metapost: I am grateful to TWIMer Philip who, as a former USAF officer, provided a perspective that no amount of online searching could have provided me. I am also grateful for your service.

Drinking and thinking

The title of this post is a salute to an old bar trivia team I was on from 2018-2020. We started playing every Tuesday with 4 players, and the group grew to 18; by then we had split up into 3 groups of 6. The bar started a tournament in the fall of 2019 that lasted about 8 weeks ( I didnt come every week but was fairly regular) and we had 3 teams in it; the primary team was called Drinking and Thinking, and if memory serves they finished in the top 3, which earned them a gift certificate for appetizers. We had used several monikers before settling on that one for the tournament, and continued to use it afterward. We stopped playing when the pandemic closed the bars in March 2020, and I now play in Indiana with a smaller group but similar format during the winter months.

Mountain Dew vs hard seltzer– hmmm. I’d rather drink piss than MD, so the winner is the liquor, for me anyway. In fact after I have to drink MD, I would need the stiffest drink on earth to wash it down. Yuck.

I guess Jesus wasnt around to make more seltzer like he made more wine at the wedding back in biblical times, huh? They didnt have enough to go around just like back then. Hey there’s even a Youtube video of the event! Check it out! (Those of you not Catholic may find it helpful; the rest of us find it amusing)

P3 we have a confrontation- I cant believe the blond girl was so naive she didnt know what was going on. Drinking? At OUR party?? Stop the presses! No, start the presses! Heather Burns has herself a story!

June 24, 2021

All’s Well That Ends Well And We Hope This All Ends.

Filed under: glasses on forehead, Mimi Thorp, Miserable characters, softball — tdrewhardin @ 1:02 pm

I gotta hand it to Thorpiverse. A clever ending (MAYBE it will end) to one of the subplots that was wallowing in the mud for several weeks may set a trend, although I am wisely not holding my breath. You’re not off the hook, T-verse. Even if it is essentially Corina’s mom who figures into this decision, I still wonder how Mimi managed to pull it off and I am not convinced (probably never will be) that some dubious quid pro quo was employed at the bargaining table. Sure, you can have her, Milford Business College, but only on a full ride and you pass the check under the table at one of the booths at The Bucket. NCAA officials eat lunch there. I wouldn’t want anybody to know how I got new uniforms for my Lady Mudlarks. Oh, and she transfers to a PAC-12 school of her choice at the end of her 2-year sabbatical. I’ll pay for the Bucket Shakes.

And face it, Corina has too much talent to let it go to Mudlarkland and I personally endorse the move. It’s not the move per se that I question, just the modus operandi. When Mimi has been non-existent as a coach and Corina was practically running the team, it makes the strings that Mimi was pulling that much more ridiculous. Let me lounge on the verandah with Gil, OH CRAP Corina hasn’t settled on a school!!!!!!! Gil, I have to make a few phone calls. Damn!!!!!!! Where’s my cell phone? In the kitchen by the toaster???? Who put it there???? I’ll talk with Keri about moving Mommy’s stuff!!!! Now what was the number of Powell College Athletic Department again? I lost the slip of paper. I think the dog ate it.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. To Set Aside Sizeable Donation To Milford Business College; Most Earmarked For Athletic Fund!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Man, when they got Corina to join the ranks, that’s when I decided to make the direct deposit. With her on board, they’re Final Four, fer sure.”

And I’ll overlook Mimi’s smarmy smug mien she is exhibiting in front of Corina, even if Mimi really has nothing to get cocky about. She really wasn’t even a catalyst as she just opened the doors for the drug lords executing the drug deal and maybe got half a kilo for being the flunky and part-time watchdog for any potential sting operation on the horizon. But she really didn’t speed up the transaction before the Milford Police busted down the doors nor was she directly involved in the operation per se. Just get the number of the athletic director/The Sopranos and just kick back and relax. Hell, I could have gone to the Milford Phone Directory on my kitchen counter and done the same thing. I bet The Sopranos have a listed number. The point is, Gil has been engineering deals like this for 60 years. He’s opened more doors than that doorman on That Thing You Do. At least the doorman had a better clue on what he was doing and got Guy Patterson to the Milford Jazz Club on time.

But then you have the Exploding Mouth Syndrome. Now if it’s Exploding Eyeball Effect, the worst that happens is you just have to locate your eyeball on the ground, sort of what you would do if you lost a contact. But I shudder to think if your mouth explodes. How do you look for your lips? Or cheekbones? And do you puke to add insult to injury? Not that I blame Corina for wanting to watch her expectorated mandibles all over Mimi’s MTV shirt. I know Corina is expressing her dismay at her life suddenly being planned out the next few years but can we keep her tongue and her upper palate on the inside? She won’t need a mouth guard at the rate she’s going.

Then there’s the trees. They finally look like trees, not a graduate student project study of Jackson Pollak. But isn’t a bit unnerving to see them angled in a certain direction IN UNISON, as if they’ e listening in on the conversation.

“Yeah, tell her, Girl!!!!!!!!!!!! She ain’t yer mother!!!!!!!!!”

“You go, Mimi!!!!!!!!!!!! Time for Miss Mouth to stand on her own two feet!!!!!!!”

“You tell ‘er, Corina!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jerry Pulver told Gil to shove it up his ass when he tried to strong-arm a scholarship on Jerry to Virginia Military Institute!!!!!!!!!!”

“Don’t let Corina wind up as a flagperson on Milford Highway Department!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Be careful, Mimi!!!!!!!! She may come back and take your job!!!!!! She’s halfway there now!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

A dying oak tree made that last remark, just for the record.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Hired As Chief Consulting Advisor For Milford Business College Football Team!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Mr. Simpson will primarily coordinate our recruiting endeavors, particularly focused in the southern part of the country.”

So it wasn’t Mimi in the gym with the Bic pen, after all. It wasn’t even Colonel Mustard at The Bucket with the Bucket Corn Dog. It was Momma Karenna with the chunky bracelet in the conservatory signing the papers. Corina should be able to pass Professor Plum’s blow-off class at that Syracuse community college, no problem.

And just how DID Mommie Dearest Karenna manage to pull all this off? Remember the SNL episode where they did a take-off of the movie that made Joan Crawford infamous? Jane Curtin played Joan and Gilda Radnor played her daughter and I’m thinking the occasion is Christmas or her daughter’s birthday, I forget which, but Joan hands her daughter a birthday present “Well, open it up. My my, it’s a lovely gift, it’s the rest of the cube steak you didn’t finish at dinner last night.” That’s pretty much the Mommy Dearest scenario now. Here’s your graduation gift, Corina. It’s a scholarship to Milford Business College and the Milford Police have filed a bench warrant to make sure you follow through on that graduation gift. So as soon as we go home and you finish the last of the Spaghetti O’s and Hormel Beef Stew I have heated up in the microwave, start packing. You can take the rest of the cupcakes with you when you get to the dorm this evening.

Gee, I hope Keri doesn’t have the Milford Deputy Sheriff in her bedroom when she decides on a major.

And what better way to commemorate Mommie Dearest coming back into Corina’s life after Corina has been part-time coaching the Lady Mudlarks than with a classic from Blue Oyster Cult? I knew you whippersnappers would understand(ha).

Patrons at The Diner are going crazy

They’re choking while consuming corn dogs on rye

Mudlarks are hiding in the dugout, gloves cover face

Coach Thorp has turned the color of Hostess pie

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no-no, no, no, no

Mom Karenna has risen from the grave

Mom Karenna has risen from the graaaaaaavvvvvveeeese

Really, now that Joan Crawford has RISEN out of Milford Public Cemetery, the next question is WHAT did Joan do to get Corina virtually out the door? She had two weeks with Mimi, you understand. Read the AAA road atlas to her when they went to visit Syracuse? Pick up the bar tab when they sat down with the CC officials at some Syracuse upscale tavern? Offer to bring her lawyer next time if the papers being signed was all Gilspeak? We’re getting the concept that Mommie Dearest was in cahoots with Corina’s 4-Year Excellent Adventure, Thorpiverse. We TWIMers are just amazed that someone who was unsteady and impoverished when she wasn’t on the scene AT ALL in Corina’s life could just walk into LeMoyne Athletic Office and sit down and sign her daughter’s life away with a minimum of discussion. Oh (slap on head) , Mimi was there. She could translate for the athletic director when Mommie Dearest balked at Corina getting shipped to Siberia for summer workouts. Don’t worry, Mrs. Crawford, somebody will be there to translate Russian when Coriba is exercising in the salt mines. And she’ll eat well. There’s plenty of woods to hunt for tiger meat and water regions for sardines. Set your mind at ease, Mommie Dearest.

And we went from the fence bent at an unrealistic angle to what you would see if you were walking the premises with Mr. Bader. Don’t get too near the fence if you don’ want to get electrocuted. And the guard dogs are nearby, you wouldn’t stand a chance of jumping that baby. Shoot, not with those stubs Mimi has that is normally where your hand would be.

One afternoon while “Godzilla” from Blue Oyster Cult is playing

“Yes, Mommie Dearest made me brush my teeth with a toothpick and shower in the hog trough. Then she sent me to Milford High to be the principal.”

“How awful, Dr. Pearl!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Yes, but she really hit new lows in cruelty when I had to watch Gil in action. I’d rather eat that cubed steak.”

Mudlark Baseball has thrown away their pizza

They chain themselves to the axles of Jay’s Subs vans

The sky is filled with Powell College rejects

But Gil Thorp laughs: “Dudes, golf is in my plans”

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no-no, no, no, no

Mom Karenna has risen from the grave

Mom Karenna has risen from the grrraaaaaaaaaaavvvvvvveeeee

Uh oh. The syrupy sap being spewed by Mommie Dearest in P3 is never a good sign for the victim, i.e., Corinavirus albeit it does signify that the plot, this one anyway, is mercifully coming to an end. We still have the Library Question to deal with but one problem child at a time. Put that sucker to bed and focus on the one ransacking your cabinet.

And okay, kill ’em with kindness but puh-LEASSSSEEEEE don’t do this with the library plot. Or even the Zane Pitching Project which aborted the flight just as soon as Zane took the mound. Jackie Hill, from ’70’s Thorpiverse, at least made it through the season with less baggage. And she never engaged in any verbal confrontation over the Library Reading Room that I’m aware of.


“Come, we’ll talk about reducing library hours to one hour a day at my house. My wife cooks a mean batch of chitlins and Brussel sprouts.”




“Whew, I feel better. And I’m willing to allow the magazine section to reopen if you’ll allow for pay toilets. God knews, we need the tax revenue.”


“Maureen, do you think we should have 3 or 4 librarians on staff?”

“Oh, definitely 4. Can I pour you some more coffee?”

Get this damn thing over with. I’m running out of ideas.

“And Milford beats Oakwood on a walk-off pitch single. Mom Karenna has truly risen from the ashes. I’ll be back with final stats in a moment as Milford wins, 6-5. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Man, Mom Karenna sure knows how to come through in the clutch. And Corina was not too shabby herself as she contributed 7 ribbies. She’ll make a swell roommate at Milford Business College. Go Typewriters!!!!!!!!!!

But i’m not here at the mike to talk about Joan Crawford and her Daughter With RBI’s To Match Her Attitude. Hi, this is Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse and we are getting some hurtful, malicious, and inaccurate commentary from The Bucket about our Wink Martindale statue up front. Not only did they lose their case at the Milford Beverage Commission Ad Hoc Committee hearing but now they’re throwing darts and Bucket Shakes at a revered game show host memorialized by many here in Mudlarkland. Shoot, it’s any day now that he has a star on Milford Walk of Fame. When you can’t remember to bring that extra case brief that might have won them a license in front of an ad hoc committee comprised of 3 members who work for a living, a garbage truck driver, a beautician, and a CPA, naturally you’re going to throw Bucket Fries at your competition.

They charge that we are paying a luxury tax on the statue and passing the cost onto the customers. They’ve been watching one too many Jokers’ Wild episodes. Why would we want to bilk the hand that feeds us when we get enough customers taking pictures of a venerable institution while they’re shopping for that Jim Beam Orange Whiskey for a Wink-friendly $11.99 after you’ve used our coupon? Shoot, Japanese tourists take a family photo with ol’ Wink before they come in and purchase their 12-Pak 12 fluid ounce Michelob Ultra Organic Seltzer and Ritz Toaster Chips.

They say we don’t do upkeep on the statue and the patina is beginnig to contort Wink’s visage and make him look like Ernest Borgnine. Apparently, the employees at The Bucket never saw The Dirty Dozen. But that’s what happens when you lose winnable cases because you watch too much Romper Room. We have a fully-staffed maintenance crew that cleans the toilets AND keeps Mr. Martindale as shiny as one of the statues at Promontory Hall at The White House. That’s why we can charge $25.99 for Crown Royal Peach and still afford to be a beacon in the storm. The Bucket legal team is hiding in the lighthouse.

And The Bucket also continually insists that it can obtain its own statue. Why, we can erect a statue of Pat Sajak in the drive-in area and sales would increase threefold. Yeah, right, and where are you going to stick Vanna White? By a non-smoking booth? We’ll be charging our faithful customers $21.99 for a 30-Pak, 12 Fluid Ounce of Busch Light while you call the building engineer and get the estimates. I hope they stay within the bounds of Milford Building Code regulations.

Folks, you know what you want to be when you grow up. You don’t need to go through an ad hoc committee here to experience The Good Life. Come get your great booze at great prices and get a great picture of you and Wink to boot and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

I’m telling you, Mom Karenna has risen from the grave, no matter you say, Gang. Now eat that cube steak before it gets cold.

And God bless you, Gang.

At the Harvard Lecture Hall

“I’d rather be out on the golf course, Kingsfield.”

“Mister Thorp, step forward please.”

Gil Thorp comes to the front

“Mister Thorp, here’s a dime. Call your mother and tell her there is serious doubt about your ever becoming a coach.”

Gil goes back, ready to leave, then turns around at the halfway point

“You’ve been spending too much time at Milford Public Library, Kingsfield!!!!!!!!!!!”

Gil is about to leave

“Mr. Thorp, return to your seat. That’s the most intelligent thing you’ve said in 60 years.”

Heard whispering from the Milford Public Cemetery

“Corina, Corina, Corina, Corina, Corina…”


April 5, 2021

Another Library Monday

Filed under: glasses on forehead, Pointy Fingers, What the hell is going on here? — nedryerson @ 5:52 am

The internet outage at the Britos’ is the source of much drama. Mrs. Brito did call about it, so keep your pants on, Abel. It’s going to be a couple days until The Internet Repairman can come out and take a look at the router.

Abel Brito has work to do now, he laments to Mrs. Brito. It’s important internet work and he’s been staring at his screen for hours wondering why it doesn’t work, but he didn’t try to fix it or even seek help from tech support. That’s Mrs. Brito’s domain. Abel sits and scowls.

Mrs. Brito does offer a useful suggestion. Abel should go to the library and use the internet there. Lots of people do this. Lots of people with very important internet work to do go and sit in the library and use publicly funded computers and publicly funded internet to do their important internet work. (The library also strongly suggests you keep your pants on.)

It’s hard to say for sure, but it looks like Abel Brito is using a desktop PC. If he had a laptop, he could go to the Coffee Cantina and use their WiFi. (They are a little looser with their pants policy, or so I’ve heard.)

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