This Week in Milford

August 31, 2018

These Are All Terrible People, Even The Kids

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P1: A story from TimP’s own life: Person A did me wrong some time ago. Person B, an erstwhile associate of Person A, learned of this and, while he couldn’t undo the wrong, mitigated some of it. Some weeks later Person B called me up out of the blue and told me all of the terrible things that had lately happened to Person A, thinking I would enjoy hearing about it. I did not. It was all rather sad when taking all of the circumstances into consideration.

P2: Fear of failure can be a hell of a motivator. The problem is that it motivates all kinds of bad behavior. Gil is almost being a good coach by asking an open ended question to such a shitty thing to say.

P3: Feeling like you have to perform especially well because you have to ‘prove’ yourself after getting jobbed can be a hell of a motivator. The problem is…

Cripes, what is in the water in Milford? [Checks notes.] Milford is most likely in the Midwest, probably Central Michigan or Northwest Ohio, so lead. Lead is in the water in Milford. This is why Gil drinks naught but distilled rotgut. He may be stupid, but he’ll be damned if he’s going to get much stupider.

Edited to add: I can’t believe I went back and looked this up but the Milford in Ohio is near Cincinnati, a town I once almost lived in but then got lucky and didn’t. Also, there is a real life Milford Country Club. It is in the vicinity of Boston and has a nine hole par 3 course. Although I’ve visited Boston many times, I’ve never had the opportunity to live there. The last time I visited, it was zero degrees Fahrenheit with 45 mile per hour winds seemingly coming from every direction.

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August 30, 2018

Tradition!

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Who, on the links, must scramble for the Juniors,
And who just plays golf, no soccer anymore,
To shave their final score a stroke?
The golfers, teen golfers! Tradition!
Not Tony, but Wilson! Concussion!
Who must know the way to play a proper game,
An honest game, a kosher game?
Start a phony tournament and leave the house,
So Mimi’s free to drink the holy grape?
Gil Thorp does, Gil Thorp does! Tradition!
Gil Thorp does, Gil Thorp does! Tradition!
Let’s watch the Valley tournament. They’ve rented a nice tent.
I hear they’ve got some nice trophies. I hope they’re pretty.
Ho-hum, ho-hum! Tradition!
Ho-hum, ho-hum! Tradition!
And who learns how to cheat, learns how to lie and fix,
At Pine Ridge and at Blackthorne? Geez, what a bunch of pricks!
The cheaters, the cheaters! Tradition!
The cheaters, golf cheaters! Tradition!
(apologies Bock and Harnick)
*****
Alright, enough of that.  Skeeters must be biting hard in Milford or else Gil’s pantomiming how much of a pain in the neck he’s become.
I’m truly confused about a few things:  (1) If scorers are tradition! at the Valley Juniors, why aren’t they also at the qualifiers?  (b) How does dude know about the Pine Ridge Boys’ thievery except as hearsay? (iii) Why does dude give a rat’s hinder about what Gil does at his Participation Trophy Invitational?
Gil has to realize he’s not the big man at the Valley Juniors, both figuratively and literally. Just look at that gargantuan couple to his left!
metapost: I’m having trouble with the spacing here today.  Not sure why but then again I’ve never bothered to figure out how to adjust the spacing on WordPress posts. Mea culpa.

August 29, 2018

Oh, Belvedere! Come Heah, Boy!

Filed under: CC's, freak hands, Gil Thorp, golf, Neal's friends — teenchy @ 6:11 am

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Fifteen-to-seventeen-year-olds?  Stroke play?  Haven’t heard a single “no”?  TMI, Gil.  Way TMI.

I’m supposing that today is another jump around from CC to CC: after yesterday’s call on Bad Kerning Birch River CC we go to a Bantam Chef masquerading as Belvedere Golf Course then back to Mu Gamma Delta House – er, Milford CC and John Jawor reporting in on the number of invitees he’s groomed.  In between we get a closeup of a young Horatio Caine,  least I think that’s who he is since he sure ain’t that guy standing in front of Belvedere’s clubhouse.

If Horatio et al. were so appalled by what happened at the Valley Juniors Qualifier, why didn’t they have independent scorekeepers with each foursome, as the TWIM hive mind has commented ad nauseam here? If they really wanted to stand up for integrity, why didn’t they call bullshit on the cheating kids right there on the spot?  Would’ve saved Gil all this work.  Maybe he was looking for an excuse to get away from Mimi and her goo-goo eyes and wine breath.

You know who’d be having a field day with this?  Marty Moon, that’s who!  It’s not like he has hasn’t (edit: grammar, oops) had experience with golf cheats or anything.  The whole Participation Trophy angle of the Milford Invitational would rub his anti-PC self just the wrong way.  Too bad he’s in self-imposed exile this summer.  Probably brushing up on his Spanish.

August 28, 2018

This Isn’t Funny Anymore

Filed under: ?, Birch River CC, CC's, freak hands, Gil Thorp, golf, Just plain sad, metapost — tdrewhardin @ 3:14 pm

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Gang, it looks as if Gil took the sure out instead of the questionable tho more helpful double play. This tournament coulda been called the “Miller Lite Everybody On The Planet And The Other Planets In The Solar System Plus The Members Of The Major Galaxies Is Welcome To Tee Off In Our Tournament Except Two Golf Clubs Who I’ll Hold Nameless But They Know Who They Are And I Don’t Want ANY Losers And Assholes Who Don’t Know Shit From A Black Hole About Ethics To Be In Our Sandbox Invitational”. Nope, Gil pursued the trite road and employed the Keep It Sane, Shithead method. Coach, if you can’t get even a whiff more original with your nomenclature, can we just hit the brakes and fast forward to the football plot? If you’re going to DRAG this one so that it overlaps with pigskin season, you might next time hit the Milford Public Library and check out Roget’s Thesaurus.

 

 

Okay, gang, Gene Rayburn is ready to play Match Game 2018 again so sharpen your wits and see if you’re up to the challenge

Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW    DUMB   WAS  SHE?????????????), she thought she would lose her ___________ when she entered Gil’s Tournament.

 

Based upon a Twilight Zone episode I watched with relish (WALLACE V. WHIPPLE RULES!!!!!!!!)

 

Gil comes back from the Gil Thorp Benson & Hedges Pro-Am Open, unlocks the door to his office and discovers the Lost in Space robot sitting in his desk.

“What are YOU doing here?”

“I’m finishing up those physicals that need to be turned into the State Athletic Association by the end of the month. Since “Golf Story” is Held Over for another week at the Milford Bijou, SOMEBODY needed to put it on their shoulders to get them completed. and mine are made of titanium.”

“You have no business in my chair!! Now get out!!”

“Sorry, Coach, or shall I say even as I compute, ex-Coach, The school has undergone significant transformations.”

“We’ll see. I’m going to talk to Dr. Pearl about this.”

“You haven’t heard?”

__________________________________________________________________________________

Gil opens door and barges in. Gee, if you possess Arrogance of Power, a precious commodity in this strip the last 60 years, to stage a bad golf plot, whoops, “Golf Story-‘Where do I begin? To tell a story  that’s so sickeningly thin…'” is it REALLY necessary to KNOCK?

“Dr. Pearl, I need to talk to you. Whose brilliant idea was it to stick a robot in my chair? I’m going to call the police after they  engineer that meth bust at Milford Men’s Club–”

Notices R2D2 in what used to be Dr. Pearl’s chair. She forgot to take her Dr. Scholl Butt-E-Z seat cushion and R2D2 is livin’ large.

“Who the #%^&*@!+< are You?”

REEPEEROOPEERAPPELDAPPELPEEKEEFEEKEE

“R2!!!!! That is no way to address Coach Thorp!!! Just because he was voted out as coach doesn’t give you the right to tell him he couldn’t fuggin’ coach his way out of Dumbo the Elephant’s diaper bag!!!!!!!”

SKIPPEEBLIPPEETOTEMSCROTUMFLAKEEWACKY

“And I REALLY don’t appreciate your telling him his mother could do a better job with Wilson and Tony with clubs from the rebar pile at Milford Foundry!!!!! Oh, I’m so terribly sorry, Coach. Those Nacho Fries he ate at Taco Bell is really contorting the wires in his system. I hope you land that job as a chassis assembler at Milford Toyota. Have they called?”

___________________________________________________________________

“Gil, I just found out myself. we were hosting a backyard Bar-B-Q for the Milford Civitan Club when a man in a pin-stripe suit showed up. It didn’t appear he was wanting a Pulled Pork Pit sandwich and Amish potato salad on his Chinet plate with a Mudlar-K-Cream Red Soda. The Board voted you out but buy a narrower margin.”

 

 

Gil, Who the HELL is this woman in P2?

If Gil were a TV show and we watched the intro

The “Ironsides” theme blaring out of one of the speakers in the drive-in section of The Bucket, we see different scenes from Gil encouraging (?) a player in a basketball game to Mimi having a tender moment with Gil on the verandah, toasting with their glasses of Ovaltine, from the Down With Marty mob in the bleachers at a Milford HS tennis match (shoehorned in to look more like a Communist bloc) to an actual classroom scene where students are conjugating the verb “to masturbate” in Coach Kaz’s Latin 103 class, we see the credits evenly distributed on on the screen

 

Don Everly as Gil Thorp

Christie Brinkley as Mimi Thorp

Gary Coleman as Jamie Thorp

Susan Olson as Keri Thorp

Mr. T as Coach Kaz

Minnie Pearl as Dr. Pearl

George Jones as Coach Shaw

and introducing

Wilma Flintstone as the Lady Who Stands In Front Of The Birch River Country Club Property Because She Didn’t Pay Her Yearly Dues Because She Had To Pay Her Cable Bill

 

I mean, this plotline is getting desperate. Gil and Wilma, I hate to break this one to you but SCHOOL JUST STARTED for a lot of school systems around the country. Where did these families go on vacation? Sure, they got a discount to climb the Neuschwanstein Castle at Disneyworld and they’re living high off the hog (“Where’s the kitchen?”-“Daddy, Petey’s gotta go bad”, “I know, Honey, they told me the rest room was in the third tower, second door on the right”). But, Hey, the other families are rooted in reality and should make the Tournament if the traffic is okay.

But as long as we’re one happy family around here and we can beat Snidely Whiplash and his sons in the tournament, if they’re allowed to participate and in P3.53, Gil is evidently taking his golf clubs and going home, and make this an annual event like we’ve been doing for 60ish years, Communism will stay on the other side of the pond. The Milford Country Club might still have crab grass but Wilma can always call the Chem-Lawn man. BTW, Wilma, it’s amazing what age progression can do.

 

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Mudlar-K-Orange-Cola truck drives psycho oil rig off Milford Palisades!!!!!”

sub headline

“The hero, Ferd Grantham,to be given Key to the City in special ticker-tape parade tomorrow.”

 

Gang, I LOVE Husker Du just as much as Tori Amos and Todd Rundgren so don’t be surprised to see me drawing from the well SEVERAL times from this Minneapolis trio. Might as well start somewhere

 

You can alter the script if you want

You can butcher it all to Hell

Throw logic out the door

Crack our sanity like peanut shells

 

It’s not funny anymorrrrreeeeee

It’s not funny

Anymore

 

You can write any plot you want

Stage tournaments when you damn well please

Don’t worry about when it ends

Even if the readers are begging on their knees

 

Marty Moon doing that interlude on his ukulele. Bob Mould he isn’t, gang, but you like variety, don’t you? Yeah, thought so.

 

It’s not funny anymorrrrreeeeee

It’s not funny

Anymore

 

Fight your foes to The Living End

This plot veering where the Hell it wants to go

Just ignore the wretching you hear from us

We’ll be dying of Thorpiverse vertigo

 

Marty breaks a string and the sound alters, “Land Speed Record” comers to mind so at least we’re not skipping a beat

 

It’s not funny anymorrrrreeeee

It’s not funny

Anymore

 

We hope you’re happy that you nailed your man

We were snoozing while you did the very deed

It took forever but not surprised at all

Like Pa Bader, one day we shall be freed

 

Marty really pouring it on with his kazoo interlude

 

It’s not funny anymorrrrreeeeee

It’s not funny

ANYMORE

 

RIP, Grant Hart. You rode for free to Heaven. You brought joy to my life for 30+ years, Big Guy.

 

 

If yuz a Tournament Official and the teenagers fudge the scores becuz ya looked the other way to drop yore drawers cuz ya had ta relieve yoreself of all that Schlitz Tall Boys, ya might be a redneck.

Then there’s P3. This was avant-garde technology back in the ’60’s and ’70’s but the Thor/HephaestusPrint style is really wearing thin. Is it REALLY necessary to vulcanize parts of the strip so that we’re forced to use our Elementary Algebra skills? Why pour kerosene on an already raging, but boring, flame? In P3.6, Gil is still in the negotiating stages because in P3.374, Wilma is holding out for more participants in Gil’s Tournament. The kids want Doritos Cool Ranch served at the Tournament Banquet. Lays Sour Cream ‘n’ Onion is too salty and a couple of the kids have COPD, Gil. And can they bring their own clubs or do they have to use the ones from your gym, the ones used in Lifetime Sports? We’d rather bring our own. And can we bring the kids from “Eight is Enough?” And Lassie?  RUFF, RUFF!!!!!!!!! Oh, Gil, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!! Lassie asked what foursome she’s paired up with.

Oh, sure, it’s BYOC (…Clubs) anyway and we had to send those rusty pieces of steel to the Milford Dry Cleaners. Excuse me,I gotta put down the phone. I’m getting Thorpiverse vertigo again. Geez, I don’t see how Batman and The Joker put up with this angle. And we can squeeze Lassie in with Mr. Ed, Benji, and Jiminy Cricket. Goofy backed out. He injured his gloves from Carpel Tunnel Syndrome.

And the question Wilma poses in Ppi is just begging to be ripped up like the Milford phone book

“Gil, who’s invited to this Invitational?”

“I called the Pope and he told me it was contingent on what weekend the G7 Summit is held but The Rolling Stones had prior engaements. I declined The Hardy Boys after their drunken escapade last year. Me and Mimi don’t feel like scrubbing their puke this year. Oh, and Andy Rooney has agreed to be the keynote speaker this year at the banquet.”

If the Dalton Gang IS invited (Odds are horrible, you understand)

Gil to Clever Hans, the Official Scorekeeper of the Pine Ridge Boys

“Are you SURE it was a ‘4’ instead of a ‘5’?

STOMP!!!!!!!!! STOMP!!!!!!!!!!

“Gil, that means ‘YES!!!!’ Now c’mon, the poor horse is getting hungry. After 18 holes, the poor thing’s gotta have his hay and his bag of Bolthouse Carrots.”

The Tournament Official then turns to the 10-year-old caddies

“BTW, will one of you grab a shovel and pick up his manure? He shot a wad on the greens on #17.”

 

Diane Gaines, thank you for ALL you do at TARC (Transit Authority of River City). You fill our tanks, get the vehicles coordinated well, get the workers around you to do their jobs more effectively. And in the morning, our vehicles are READY TO ROCK again. And you do it with a can-do approach. NOTHING gets you down. You always get my blood pumping with your encouragement and your enthusiasm. Thank you for ENCOURAGING ME.  If there’s a problem, you’ll get it solved. We need more like you, in life as well as on the job. Gang, take care of the Diane’s of the world. They ALWAYS take care of you.

 

Gang, comment away. Hey, if any of you has some loose change, could you swing it Wilma’s way? She’s halfway to paying off her yearly dues.

 

At the Milford Girls-a-Go Go club, where some stragglers in Gil’s Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time cast are holding out the last few days of August.

“She thinks IIIIIIIII still carrrrrrreeeeeeeee…”

 

“Coach Shaw, my name’s Sonny Tucker, booking agent for The Grand Ole Opry. You have a few minutes?”

Metapost: Folks, I do a little light editing of T. Drew’s posts since I’ve given up my daily slot. That said, sometimes I do wanna post a video.  Anyway, this song has been sticking with me lately. Paul Schafer is way too excited in the earlier choruses… – TimP

August 27, 2018

Sounds Like Fun

Filed under: Gil Thorp, golf — nedryerson @ 6:07 am

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Nothing says INTEGRITY like a golf tournament! I don’t know what’s going on, but it should be over soon. Right?

So Gil wants to organize another tournament so “his kids” will have a chance to compete in a situation where cheating isn’t rampant? This is really the dumbest golf arc we’ve had.

August 23, 2018

Bench Warmers

Filed under: freak hands, Gil Thorp, golf, lessons learned, Pissy faced Gil, Pointy Fingers — robmize2013 @ 7:38 am

You’re the adult — and who are you Gil? A child? Guess we had you pegged wrong all these years.. Hey Gil– again.. the whole reason this all happened is because you (and your kids) didnt see to it that this qualifier was properly supervised to begin with. And now you’re stuck with the results that were obviously tainted, but they will stand because nobody has any real proof that anything happenned . Except us the readers.

Looks like they Milford team is out of gas– Gil goes back to the boys sitting on a bench that I’ve NEVER seen on a golf course. Looks like its right in the middle of a fairway too.

More later — heading to the beach.

August 22, 2018

Mr. Scorer Speaks For Us All

Filed under: Gil Thorp, golf, lessons learned, metapost, oversize objects, Pissy faced Gil — teenchy @ 5:35 am

 

 

Gil’s doppelgänger has taken the words out of our collective mouths.  There’s nothing Mr. Scorer can do, except have scorers accompany the golfers as so many have pointed out since this whole travesty began.  There’s nothing you readers can do except, well, stop reading.  There’s nothing we bloggers can do except stop blogging keep on keeping on pointing out the ridiculous aspects of the story arc, like the huge talking golf bags front and center in P3.

metapost: robmize, you wanna jump in and run with this ball?

Metapost: Hello gang – I guess Teenchy didnt get the memo about his enforced vacation this week but its ok– I cant get up at 5:35 if my life depends on it, much less to write this blog, regardless of my pre-conceived interest in it. I have more thoughts on this but have to run some errands this morning so I’ll be back this afternoon – hope your all enjoying your beverages — Rob

So I’m assuming Gil is talking to 2 different people in P2 and P3, based on their shirt colors. I dont know which guy has more authority, but after you plead your case with 1 guy, and he says ‘nothing we can do about it’ (damn yes there WAS something you could do about it but you chose not to) why press the issue with another guy? Why think you’ll get a different answer? I still hope these cheaters get their come-uppence but the strokes that were not counted are lost to the ages unless someones out there with a video camera.. oh yeah – Milford You Tube Channel! Where’s ParrotHead when we need him??

Yes its a streaky game. I once hit 10 greens in regulation in a row en route to an 80. Not 1 birdie in that run even though I didnt hit a bad shot for 2 hours. 2 hours hitting it on the screws every time! Imagine..  8 pars and 2 bogeys. I was so locked in I could’ve shut my eyes while I was swinging and put it on the green. Another time I made 3 birdies in a row and rimmed out the 4th try. My score for the round? 91. My hole-in-one round was otherwise uneventful as I shot 98 on a day so hot my mom thought it was too hot for us to go out. We said we’re riding carts. Good thing I didnt listen to mom that day. Another time I made my first 6 putts of the round. I also went 98 straight holes without going into a sand trap. (5 1/2 rounds, but 2 of the courses had no bunkers).  I started keeping track after 2 rounds in a row trap-less; its not something I normally keep track of, if you were wondering. :)

All that stuff above is very hard to do– and it was all a small sample size of the whole round. So you can get hot for a while and still shoot what you normally shoot almost every time.  But again, Gil is shutting the barn door after the horse got away. This is files under ‘lessons learned’ for sure.

 

 

August 21, 2018

Don’t complain to me now.

Hey gang – I’m on vacation all this week and I know nobody likes writing about golf except me so why not y’all take a much needed vacation from this strip and let me handle this golf story? Any objections please let me know but I think its a fine idea.

75, 79, 78. That’s it? Writing scores on a board is the official way to post in a tourney qualifier? No questions asked huh? I never played in a tourney like this so who am I to criticize but man, this is just so.. fishy.

Its not out of the question to go from 80’s to high 70’s in a week. If the course fits your game and your making putts, that’s all it takes. The rest of the game is tee to green. Once you have that down, it all comes down to strokes around the green. This apparently was a 1-round qualifier, and anything can happen. You can go low anytime for 1 round. I know I can, so they can too.

But we all know what really happened, and why they’re complaining to Gil about it is beyond me. He isn’t involved in this in any way except as a ‘coach’ to his guys at Milford. They need to discuss this with the rules officials or tourney officials.

It looks like the case is closed the way the time between P2 and P3 is framed, but methinks Gil will do the boys a favor and complain to the officials, although how he’s gonna convince them of anything is hard to figure, since there again wasnt any rules official with each group to supervise the scores.

Another thing– how do the boys know what the other boys shot last week anyway? Musta had some casual conversation, but why show your hand if your planning to cheat? Tell the Milford boys you shot in the high 70’s . Or, even dumber, why the hell did the scores get accurately counted last week when it didn’t matter at all? And now when it counts, no tight control over anything. Just take a magic marker and write whatever the kids tell you they shot.  Typical dumb Thorp comic strip logic.

So I’m off to play golf now, played 15 holes yesterday until a downpour stopped me.

Shot 72.

For 15 holes.

Thanks again for letting me run the show this week. You guys relax and have a cold one on me.

Edited to add a picture from a recent hike I took while on my own vacation! – TimP

Holly trails somewhere inbetween

 

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