This Week in Milford

August 1, 2019

Are You Sure They’ll Vote Me A Full Member At Putt Putt? Because Hadley Was Accepted Unanimously.

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…who went to the March Hare who was having trouble with his hip rotation no matter how much Alice insisted he should swing his hips before full extension of his arms who ran over the Mad Hatter when Tiki caught the bomb at the 10-yard line and the Mad Hatter got called “Toast” cuz he wuz always gettin’ burnt at Free Safety who was going to The Queen to get her to sign a deposition and when Tiki moved into her personal toilet, she exclaimed “Off with his head!!!!!!!!” who saw Gil teach Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum how to putt who went to The Bucket afterwards for a beer after The Queen finally force the Milford Beverage Commission to relent after threatening to send the Royal Guard to the board members’ houses and sodomize their children who said to Gil after spilled a Bucket Strawberry Shake on The Queen “Off with his head!!!!!!!!” who…

Gang, are you as confused as I am trying to keep up with all these plots this summer? The golf plot last year was asinine and stupid but we at least stayed the course, pursuing to the bitter end 3 bozos disguised as Greg, Peter, and Bobby trying to put it to our heroes by faking their scores to Tiger Woods-Jack Nicklaus proportions only to predictably get their comeuppance in the end. C’mon, does anyone think any different? Yeah, a scout saw the leaderboard, called an agent and those bozos were at Augusta the next year with Sam Snead and Arnold Palmer.

But again, we were single-minded in our farcical pursuit of the truth. This year, if you’re not careful, Tiki will lose his man again and trip in the little pool where Hadley Venom is forced to take a drop and try to keep her par at the Drawbridge segment at Milford Mini-Links. Hey, Miniature Golf is a challenge. She needs to challenge her mind to keep it sharp when she has to go over to Mrs. Kravits’ house to inform her that she is wanted as a witness when Tiki is moving in with Samantha and Darren.

Be that as it may, no sense in beating this in the ground and losing our way in the final analysis, you whippersnappers are going to have to bear my love for Black Sabbath with a CLASSIC, Volume 4 the name of the CLASSIC, and a CLASSIC tune off that album, “Wheels of Confusion”. Ozzy, Tony, Geezer, Bill, it’s all yours

 

A month ago I wandered through this plot

On the field or shanking on the golf course

Lost in depostions with no fear

Touch football and torts were all I knew

 

It was an illusion

 

“…there’s a killer on the road,

His brain is squirmin’ like a toad…”

Oh, it’s just Gil driving the golf cart, Jaquan ridin’ shotgun. My Doors moment has come and gone.

 

And to be fair, I think it’s wonderful that Jaquan can be accepted with an overwhelming show of support.

That wasn’t the case many years ago when blacks were subjugated to abuse and second-class status and just flat-out banned from the golf courses all over the country. And in the ’70’s, a time when I was in my teens, you’d think that people would know better.

But a black man named Frazier Vance was golfing at a golf course in Madisonville, Kentucky and was with a foursome enjoying themselves when a couple of golf officials came up to Vance and said

“Get off the golf course.”

And of course, Vance asked in consternation “Why?”

“Because you’re black.”

Naturally, the golf course covered for these 2 roaches by saying to the effect that Vance didn’t have his stage pass. Shame on the people who tolerated this kind of behavior and tried to rationalize it later on.

Frazier Vance, ya done good for the community, My Friend. You taught a lot of people, black and white, the game of golf, your one true passion and love. You made them better people as a result. You did not deserve this. Rest In Peace.

I just love this parade of Blob and his family members in P1. Yup, when they’re not devouring half the populace of Milford, they’re out on the back nine for a relaxing round. Just don’t dip that shoulder, Mrs. Blob, when you’re teeing off. It probably explains why you’re smackin’ everything to the right.

And upon closer inspection, those are GOLF bags and GOLF clubs in the back of Gil’s golf cart. Not the Diet Coke and Mountain Dew canisters I originally conjectured. What Fanta Strawberry Surprize canister has a putter sticking out of its spout? Might help to get another appointment at Milford Optical. And that’s Blob Jr. at the Hot Wheels steering wheel about to approach #8 to tee off. I think we got this all sorted out. Whew!

“…who told the Lobster and the Mock Turtle that they had to get their physical turned in if they wanted to play flag football this year cuz The Queen challenged Gil and Mimi to a match of croquet and when Gil nailed his Titleist on The Queen’s bocce ball and sent it through the wickets and landed on The Bucket’s juke box and it started playing Red Sovine’s Hit Parade, The Queen exclaimed “Off with his head!!!!!!” who went with Hadley Virtueless and the Ace of Spades to Milford High School and told Ms. Rizk that she’d have to go to court and appear before Judge Judy if she wanted to recover her typewriter and not pound on the Dormouse’s buttocks for an editorial who…”

P2-“…the 35 and 3/8 members were so impressed with your singing “The Lobster Quadrille”, especially when you were shoutin’ above the back-up band, Uriah Heep, that they want you to join Fish-Footman, The Knave of Hearts, and Member-Guest as a foursome in the Milford City Tournament next week. With a generous handicap and a few tips to The Cheshire Cat from yours truly, you oughta be a cinch to win. How ’bout it?”

I’d be thinkin’ hard on that one too. Member-Guest blew a couple of putts down the stretch last year and if he can’t survive the pressure, I’d be like Jaquan and go for Willie Mays. He’ll hit it long anyway. And did you see The Catch on the fairway on #5 last year? That just clinches it. Mays is in.

Soon the golf balls changed to ugly pigskins

Figuring out just didn’t come so easy

Gil was more than fairy tales and tap-ins

Dog-Leg Left was just another word

It was an illusion

If ya gotta put a ton of tape around yore flamingo cuz ya got a swingin’ bunt the last time up at the plate in the Major Modified Industrial Men’s League Thursday Night Blue Dot softball at Milford Sports Park but ya don’t wanna git called out fer an altered bat cuz ya crammed sum steel fillers ta cause the poor flamingo ta poop on home plate and piss off the umpire cuz he’s gotta brush the damn stuff off, ya might be a redneck.

“…who asked Gil if he could borrow his Grecian Formula because it wasn’t doing him any good, judging by P2 and Bill the Lizard needed it for those 2 hairs sticking out of his bald head and his fiance said that goatee was enough to make a dog laugh, or so she learned from Elviney and Loweezy  at the gossip fence and that Jaquan and Snuffy Smith needed to use Grecian Formula on their scuzz if they weren’t going to shave it off with a Poulan and Marty Moon needed some Quaker State 10W-40 for his own facial hair if he was going to get romantically involved with Peaches again and go to Milford Men’s Clinic to take care of that croquet stick in his crotch who said that Shermy and Schroeder and the Cheshire Cat said Lucy needed to quit saying that Gil and Linus are wienies…

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Wins Sudden Death At Milford Country Club, Takes City Tournament Title!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“When Member-Guest said something about my mother on #17, Man, that just fired me up.”

And glory be, HADLEY VICTORIA NATIONAL CAN GOLF!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just what we need, another plot to add to the fire. Thorpiverse, I hate to break it to you but if you’re going to mastermind the M.A.S.H. format that worked well for that show, i.e., 2-3 mini-plots interweaving in the span of half an hour and ingeniously bringing closure by the time the closing theme rolled around, you only have ONE MONTH until September before the football plot arises from the dead. You can’t just push the season back and try to shoehorn Jaquan’s mammoth drives on the fairway and Hadley Venom’s putting on the steps leading into the Milford Municipal Court and sign depositions and contracts to have Gil dumped behind Milford Beverage Warehouse and Tiki able to attend Algebra II at Milford simultaneously and Tiki needing lessons from Heather on how to cover a Pop Warner League player on a slant and Mr. Baxendale needing Hayley’s M-O because the prescription at Milford Apothecary ran out when he was gorging in Spaghetti-O’s while lecturing his daughter to marry Robert Brady and be done with it because there were already kids and if she was going to be an on-the-go lawyer, Alice could take care of the kids at soccer practice and still be able to do the laundry. Did I leave out anything?

One month? Lotsa luck.

So we found that there’s too many games

And we know there’s never been a winner

We’ve tried so hard, the summer’s been a loser

Golf carts still be driving once August exits

This plot’s an illusion

And we can safely say without fear of contradiction that after going back and forth between and P1 and P3 and performing the same for several minutes that the people in the golf cart behind Gil and Jaquan are NOT the Frog-Footman and his Member-Guest, let alone a dozen of them, but Mimi and Hadley V. presumably in their own conversation.

“Hell, yeah, if you can shoot through the drawbridge like that and putt like Tiger, you oughta give up your law career and make a career out of Milford Mini-Links.”

“I still need to talk with Jaquan about it first. BTW, you got $15 dollars? There’s the Pepsi Man over by the tree.”

And what is the purpose of Jaquan’s putter overlapping onto the website in general? Did it ever occur to Thorpiverse to move both gentlemen caught up in a tender moment 2 feet over? We KNOW that that is a putter Jaquan has on his person, it is not necessary to be concerned that the audience might think it’s a cattle prod. Move them doggies on the greens, makes sense to me. It’d work better than Hadley Venom’s crooked cattle prod that she’s using to sink her putt and get a birdie when she’s not sticking Elsie the Cow back in the pen. Nice shorts, Mimi, incidentally. Tres chic.

“…and the White Rabbit shouted to Hadley Vacuum Cleaner “I’m late!!!!!!! I have a golf match with Mimi and The Queen!!!!!!!!” as the White Rabbit scurried  to Milford Dollar General to buy a matching outfit just like Mimi’s in P3 who saw Coach Kaz talk to the Dodo who suggested a Caucus Race where Tiki could run the plot in circles and there would never be a winner and he would get dizzy and feel like Marty Moon at Milford Lounge during Onion Rings and Bud Lite Happy Hour who saw Peaches wear Mimi’s golf shorts and they were several sizes too small so she told the Merlin the Magician to transform them into a more comfortable size even though Merlin the Magician came from another story but what else is new when you’re trying to figure out this plot you might as well be trying to figure out The Queen’s croquet swing who told Caterpillar to quit stealing Bobby Howry’s hookah he could smoke his own Bel-Airs thank you very much who told Paul Harvey…”

“And Hadley V. sinks another one!!!!!!! The woman’s en fuego today. We need to take a break before she tees off again. You’re listening to WDIG radio, a division of Lear Field Sports. This is Marty Moon and we’ll be right back.”

“Hello, this is Dr. Pearl speaking for Milford Funeral Solutions. Did your pet just recently die? Have you ever thought about pet cremation?

I know when a few of my hamsters died at our hatchery at Pearl’s Incubating Industries that we needed to get peace of mind and none too soon. Dumping them in the trash can along with that bad Banquet Frozen Dinner Turkey Tenders and Mashed Potatoes would have been inhumane and Betsy and Myrtle and Bernie and Gus were too docile and sweet without their Last Rites.

That’s when my husband and I decided to take a momentous step and talk to the good people at Milford Funeral Solutions. They gave us our choice of ministers, priest, rabbi, or licensed preacher, and the kind of service to perform, Traditional Latin Mass, 3 hymns and a homily (“Just As I Am”, “Victory in Jesus”, and “When The Roll Is Called Up Yonder”) or a more open celebration, giving the audience to relate their favorite moment with Gus or Myrtle. Sometimes a catharsis is the way out.

We were exposed to all the cremation techniques, ways that would be effective in facilitate their transition to the Walls of the New Jerusalem while transcending the Wheels of Fire. We chose the Match-Lite Fluid w/ Black Diamond Matches in Gas Oven method and we were none the wiser for it. We were even able to spread their ashes in Mudlark Lake as a special touch. Believe me, when I saw Bernie’s remains being dropped from the rowboat into the deepest part of Mudlark Lake, I had to hold back the tears.

Why go anywhere else to have your Lassie or Mr. Ed sent through trial-by-fire? Many funeral homes don’t guarantee their work and when you’re left with Mr. Ed’s head after the rest of his ashes is in Milford Holiday Inn’s swimming pool, it’s a long trip home. The undertaker had to remove the spare tire to get to his head. And when I was a sophomore in high school, I remember reading where Chester A. Arthur’s horse wound up at Milford Glue Factory and not as an employee.

Come to Milford Funeral Solutions today and let them take Rin Tin Tin to the Pearly Gates in one piece. Pet cremation never had it so good.

All right, Gang, it’s your turn. Just remember, Alice took the Milford & Oakwood to The Queen’s garden and ran over her petunias which caused The Queen to exclaim “Off With Gil’s Head!!!!!!!!!!” and Coach Shaw went hunting with his sawed-off Flamingo with the rest of the playing cards…

Lost in this Plot of Confusion

Bawling my eyes out with tears

I’m full of angry delusion

Hiding in Gil’s Belvedere…

July 26, 2019

Whats egregious is this storyline

Filed under: actual action, Gil Thorp, golf, Hadley V. Baxendale, Milford CC — robmize2013 @ 9:47 pm

Yay– golf! As I figured, someone who hasnt played much golf is yet so good he can throw it out there 295 in the fairway. Usually a muscle man who isnt a golfer will blast one 300 3 fairways to the right. They use all arms and dont turn their hips or lower body so their hands are ahead of the hips, the club comes from the outside, and the resulting sidespin curves the ball to the right. But in Thorps world its right down central. Reality is taking the summer off folks. But what else is new?

 

Meanwhile Hadley is visiting with Mr. Ballard. I went to grade school with a Ballard. He got kicked out of altar boys for stealing hosts, and became a car salesman. How about that green outfit?  Lot of green in this strip. Grass, shirts, cash in Gils wallet…

It looks like the kind you see at the store that nobody buys.  I’m not buying this storyline either.

July 19, 2019

Dog Days of summer

 

 

 

 

 

Well now we know the reason that Hadley and JC were brought back into our strip existence.. so a guy that should also be in our rear view mirror can go to Milford instead of New Thayer  (hey by the way, whens the last time we saw NT on anyones schedule?)

So now the engaged couple are bouncing around everyones  living room (Coming Soon to a couch near you— High Priced Lawyer and her co-star, Bald Bull! Tickets Now Available!) and as far as I’m concerned, meddling in everyones business. How the hell does Tiki know who either of these characters are who just showed up at his front door? He was in a crib eating Gerber when these two were in high school. Isnt it enough to have dinner with 4 different people in 2 nights, no you have to set up a coffee discussion with some kid who doesnt even know what district he lives in. But he did last year. Some townships are known to re-draw their district lines (or in Chicago they are called precincts) so its oh, possible this could happen, but in real life Tiki would know long before now about this. Because if he changed districts, I’m sure Gils cornerback did too, or his backup fullback who he needs to kick a field goal in Week 4, or some other mope on his bench who will play Saturday Hero one day. But its Tiki Jansen we’re stuck with for this story.

And Hadley.

And… Bald Bull.

Wake me up when September ends…

 

 

 

June 29, 2019

“Jaquadley” or “Hadquan”?

Filed under: boring memories, exposition comics, Gil Thorp, golf, Milford Alumni, Milford CC — teenchy @ 6:30 am

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“…Then you can join your friends for a snow cone. Mrs. Thorp will be serving them. She knows a lot about snow cones.”

“So how’d you two meet?”

“At a sports bar. She was watching Furman v. Georgia.”

“No, really, I was watching Jaquan. I’ve had my eye on him for years.”

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“Gotta say that haircut is you, Hadley. Makes you look thirty years younger.”

oldhadley

“Thanks. Less Susan Sontag, more Stacy London.”

 

June 28, 2019

When your name is a Case why not marry one?

Filed under: bizarre cameos, Gil Thorp, golf, Milford Alumni — robmize2013 @ 4:52 pm

Boy nothings changed in 14 years — who the hell calls people by their full (including middle initial) name?? Just say -Hadley!! Good to see you! Just weird. Does Jaquan have a middle initial? Why not use that too?

Hadley says Jaquan has already seen her hometown. What the hell does that have to do with anything? First, he saw it last summer didnt he? When his overpaid trainor wound up observing him working with Heather Burns on football moves after he was supposed to be training for the NBA? Maybe Hadley moved away since then which is fine, but why does he have to move to her location instead of vice versa? If he wants to play pro ball, they should move to the city he plays in right?

What if he hates her hometown? There’s a town near me called Rockdale. It literally stinks. I mean it smells bad everywhere for whatever reason. What if she lives there? He’ll need a lifetime supply of nose clips to go outside.

https://www.rockdalenewtoncitizen.com/news/local/rwr-working-on-wastewater-smell-in-north-rockdale/article_491db2c5-5720-5ed5-a049-ae7ba823ed41.html

Just laying the groundwork for the next storyline but these 2 are an odd couple so far. Maybe they’ll help Gil teach golf to midgets. At least theyre not too cool for school.

 

June 26, 2019

The Plot Congeals

Filed under: Gil Thorp, golf — nedryerson @ 6:55 am

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The mystery couple in the Audi will be dealt with later and we’re going to settle down into some sweet little girl golfing action. Check out Kylie and her follow through! This should keep us entertained all summer, no problem! What? We need something more for to make summer tolerable? Yes we do.

Just in time, here comes our old pal Jaquan Case, interrupting yet another future LPGA champ in the making. We last saw Jaquan way back in the summer of 2017 when he and his trainer Trey Davis wandered into Milford to get Jaquan back into shape for the NBA. They ran into The Secret Pelwecki (or True was still around, maybe?) and quarterback whisperer/coaching savant Heather Burns. Jaquan ran a few pass patterns and started dreaming of going to the NFL before Heather guided him to graduate school.

So I take it that now Jaquan has a master’s degree in history and he must be basking in the glory of that achievement, ready to tell Gil all about his exciting life in the history game. That’s just great, because Gil has been coaching golf for all of five minutes and he needs a distraction (until an unattended Kylie starts swinging wildly and shanking balls all over the driving range while the other junior golfers dive for cover).

So now the “golf story” has two subplots “brewing”. Sorry Kylie, you’re just going to have to figure golf out on your own.

 

June 24, 2019

Why Don’t We Get Drunk And Play Golf?

Filed under: Gil Thorp, golf, Mimi Thorp — nedryerson @ 5:53 am

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Here begins the summer plot with Gil and Mimi sipping refreshments on their deck. The adirondack chairs are a nice touch as are the lemon slices on the rims of their drinkware. It’s almost as if the Thorps are in an advertisement for the latest pharmaceutical. Ask your doctor if Whigrub is right for you. Be sure to tell your doctor if you are allergic to bottom shelf vodkas. Stop using Whigrub immediately if you begin to develop range balls or TCFS.

In predictable fashion, Gil and Mimi are discussing Gil’s Summer Junior Golf Program, which Gil does practically every summer after bitching that it really eats into his sitting and drinking related summer plans. It truly does seem to be a ceremonial event, hence the fancy garnish.

The transition to panel 3 raises some questions. Is this Gil and Mimi on the way to the Milford CC to kick off the Summer Junior Golf Program?  Would Gil really be concerned if they (presumably the junior golfers) would “love him”? Would Gil and Mimi be carrying on a playful conversation like this? I don’t know if that fits, so maybe there are other people in the car who have more sensitivity than GilBot and Mimi 2000.

Stay tuned.

August 31, 2018

These Are All Terrible People, Even The Kids

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P1: A story from TimP’s own life: Person A did me wrong some time ago. Person B, an erstwhile associate of Person A, learned of this and, while he couldn’t undo the wrong, mitigated some of it. Some weeks later Person B called me up out of the blue and told me all of the terrible things that had lately happened to Person A, thinking I would enjoy hearing about it. I did not. It was all rather sad when taking all of the circumstances into consideration.

P2: Fear of failure can be a hell of a motivator. The problem is that it motivates all kinds of bad behavior. Gil is almost being a good coach by asking an open ended question to such a shitty thing to say.

P3: Feeling like you have to perform especially well because you have to ‘prove’ yourself after getting jobbed can be a hell of a motivator. The problem is…

Cripes, what is in the water in Milford? [Checks notes.] Milford is most likely in the Midwest, probably Central Michigan or Northwest Ohio, so lead. Lead is in the water in Milford. This is why Gil drinks naught but distilled rotgut. He may be stupid, but he’ll be damned if he’s going to get much stupider.

Edited to add: I can’t believe I went back and looked this up but the Milford in Ohio is near Cincinnati, a town I once almost lived in but then got lucky and didn’t. Also, there is a real life Milford Country Club. It is in the vicinity of Boston and has a nine hole par 3 course. Although I’ve visited Boston many times, I’ve never had the opportunity to live there. The last time I visited, it was zero degrees Fahrenheit with 45 mile per hour winds seemingly coming from every direction.

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