This Week in Milford

August 28, 2021

He Made Her an Offer She Could Refuse

The transformation is well under way. Heather has swapped her slightly orange-tinged hair color for Marjie’s light blonde. Now she just needs to get her ponytail lopped off and shaped into a bob and then, after a visit to Milford Opticians, no one will know the difference.

Of course Gil sees Heather’s new role as a blessing in disguise; he’ll neither have to provide her a concessions stipend nor defend to the Mudlark Booster Club his decision to put a woman on his football coaching staff. Still that doesn’t stop him from trying to hit her up for volunteer work. “Are you kidding?” Heather must be thinking. “Your pay is so bad, you not only have to teach little kids golf in the summertime, you have to go stock shelves at Target afterwards!” (Seriously, never wear a red polo shirt when shopping at Target.)

Thankfully we can put this dud of a summer plot behind us – a plot that, except for the writing out of Marjie Ducey, was as boring and predictable as the high-five from Gil that Heather can return with her eyes closed.

What a poor sendoff for Marjie, huh? I’m gonna rectify that in a separate post.

August 21, 2021

I Love Ducey

Now’s the time all America waits for; that one evening each week where we all sit down to watch the latest hijinks from America’s favorite wacky redhead sports reporter. Wacky… redhead… sports… reporter…

Wait, what?

Okay, Whigham, start ‘splainin’.* As for the rest of you gentle readers, why do you suppose Marjie’s a redhead today?

  1. She noticed John Jawor had dyed his hair yesterday and didn’t want him to feel self-conscious so she dyed hers in solidarity.
  2. She’s going to cosplay as Velma Dinkley at Central City Comic-Con this coming weekend.
  3. The Milford Star has a one-blonde-per-staff quota and since Heather Burns has all but gone through new hire orientation, Marjie got the hint that she’s old news.

You know, maybe it is time for new blood at the Star. When your sports reporter starts writing on her laptop screen with a ballpoint pen, you gotta think she might no longer be the sharpest knife in the drawer. When all she can do is regurgitate the lists of player names Gil spouts to her, someone who knows how to use the Google is at the next level. When she dares contradict the all-powerful Gil Thorp when he wants to publicly shame a small-time golf hustler, she might want to polish up that résumé.

Tune in next week when Heather Burns spruces up her new desk in the Star newsroom while a mysterious redhead applies for a night shift waitressing job at Janet’s Diner. When Maureen asks, “Hey, hon, you look familiar. What’s your name?” the mysterious redhead replies “Margo. Margo Duchesne.”

*Contrary to popular belief, Desi never said to Lucy “you got some ‘splainin’ to do!”

August 20, 2021

Idiots 101

Boy if we had any notions that Rubin knew squat about golf, this summer storyline proved it. We’ve gone over the ludicrous dialogue enough already; suffice it to say all todays panels are are the cherry on the horseshit sundae.

P1 – Nobody puts their clubs in the car like that– you put the club end in first, then the bottom of the bag is the last part in. And for gods sakes– Hendricks knows the way out! Did he just go blind? I know his eyes are shut as he dutifully deposits his bag in his trunk ( as everyone does after every round Ive ever played) but jesus, has he been fuckin LIVING at the course?? Did he forget where the door was?! Imagine living with these douchbags for 3 months. I’d rather live in that cornfield where his ball was, along with a thousand others. I havent gotten over Gil searching a cornfield for what MAY be Carters ball– any goddamn golfer with any time in the game knows no matter how good you are you can still yank one into the cornfield. Scratch or no scratch. And the cost of the ball– I dont belong to a country club but the pro CARING about the difference between a $4 ball and a $1.50 ball, when dues for these places are thousands of dollars… is just lunacy. Who the hell buys balls one at a time anyway??

I’ve been playing golf since 1978, and not one of these statements made in this storyline has ever been made by me or anyone I’ve either played with, or come in contact with, or said on a TV broadcast of a tournament.

P2– Well gee, Heather needed the lowest possible course in college to do research that any 12 year old could do. So all the pro did was bring Carter into the room and BS him about pressing charges and writing a check. I really found a couple things hard to believe– that 15 years later he looked that similar that Heather knew it was him– I’ve seen what 15 years does to some people. Next, why would Carter keep THE SAME raincoat in his bag for 15 years? You play golf a lot your bag wears out too, and getting a new bag means tossing the old junk in the old one out. And my old raincoat literally made me wetter after so long, so I got another one. AND WHY KEEP A COLLEGE RAINCOAT ANYWAY? I keep an old winter hat from my college– in my closet so it doesnt get worn out. Who cares about raincoats??

P3– so the pro was just BS-ing Carter– well, so much for any credibility HE has. If I’m Carter I dont send him shit– I move on to the next club where everyone there has a goddamn brain and an IQ above 65. And I go about my business and keep on raking in the dough, and nobody will give a fuck about my $1.50 balls or my damn raincoat or my handicap. Getting away from these morons is the best thing thats happened to Carter. As Green Day sang— Good Riddance!

August 18, 2021

What Is It About Industrial Solvent Sales That Leads People to a Life of Crime?

So much for Carter’s – I mean, Carson’s – stint in the Witness Protection Program. Little Miss Investigative Reporter Wannabe has joined the MCC (why else would she be wearing the same colored polo shirt as everyone else? Maybe it’s a Bemidji State polo shirt), thrown on no fewer than six of her extra jangly bracelets and blown his cover. Time for him to hit the road, create another alias and sell stolen golf shoes from the trunk of his car.

It’s been a long day at work (meta) and it’s not over yet so yhs is firing off a late post. I could spend the rest of the evening trying to analyze this so it makes some kind of logical sense but why try? Rubin is throwing exposition left and right to make this golf cheat – clearly the lowest form of humanity in the Thorpiverse – look like even more of a criminal. The Milford Country Club is not a court of competent jurisdiction but here it carries more weight than the Supremes. Do we even have to point out that being charged with a crime isn’t the same thing as being convicted of it? By the end of the week Carson/ter will have been found to be behind the art heist from the Gardner Museum and the ammonium nitrate explosion in Beirut.

How did Hendry/ricks get younger looking from P1 to P3? Is he going to de-age with each accusation until he turns into a fetus, or was he really this age to begin with? Come to think of it, couldn’t these photos of him online have been deepfaked? We know Google exists in the Valley so the “1959 with cell phones” excuse can’t last for much longer.

Really, instead of looking all deer-in-the-headlights and throwing up the jazz hands, all he had to do was stonewall, call Heather’s little screen grabs “fake news” and he’d have been in the clear. After all, if you repeat a lie often enough, doesn’t it become the truth? Tens of millions would agree.

August 14, 2021

One Short of a Foursome Again

At Casa Thorp, Gil quickly moves from leaning in behind Heather Burns before Mimi comes back into the living room delivering three Red Bull and vodkas. That ain’t all she’s delivering: with that crop top along with the less formal sweatpants with built-in camel toe, she’s bringing the fan service in on that same silver platter.

Before Heather loosens up and gets ready for this threesome, she has to drop the bombshell from the last threesome she had with Gil: that there was no such person as Carter Hendricks until two years ago. Before then, he was known as Jami Thorp Rupert Hall. No, he’ll end being someone else – Henry Carter or some such – who played for Boise Bridgewater Bemidji Ball State in his color-shifting rain jacket.

Now that that’s settled, can we wrap this up and give Heather her Milford Star by day, Milford Mudlark by night dual life ASAP? NFL preseason got fully under way tonight and so will high school football in a lot of places over the next couple of weeks.

August 11, 2021

Oh, Calcutta?

I get the sense that Rubin tosses these summer plots out like a bone to his golfing buddies and the golfers among his readership. He lavishes much more detail about the game and its arcana than he does during the other three seasonal arcs. For football he’s content to trot out offensive formations not commonly used since the leatherhead era except in rural areas and/or where the game is played with less than 11 players a side. He latched onto the launch angle thing for Heather’s prodigy Pelwecki but otherwise hasn’t been on the cutting edge of baseball lingo. Basketball arcs tend to be more about the announcers and the players’ home lives than the details of the game. It’s always a shot at the buzzer that misses for Milford and falls for Milford’s opponents.

From the comments over the past couple of weeks, I gather a lot of faithful TWIMers are golfers. For the rest of us not in the know, here’s what I’ve learned about Calcuttas in the world of golf:

Golfers bid, auction style, on the golfer or team they think will win the tournament; typically they’re allowed to bid on themselves or their own team as well. They enter a bid on the golfer or team they think will win, and if their bid is the highest, they “bought” them in the tournament. All the money raised through the “auction” goes into the pot. At the end of the tournament, those who “won” the team that won the tournament get a predetermined payout from the auction pool.

We can drop the notion, then, that gambling is frowned upon at the MCC, but just exactly when and how it’s allowed and who is allowed to do it is up in the air. Jawor’s accusation of a 10-stroke sandbag by designated golf villain Carter Hendricks is a serious one – serious enough that he wants to keep Hendricks out of the Calcutta (and causes his ear to climb up his scalp). He doesn’t have the Titleists to to do it on his lonesome so he’s trying to enlist Gil to help him come up with an excuse. That neither the two of them nor Heather Burns have done a quick Googling of “Carter Hendricks BSU” to find out that the Cartman was a college golfer yet would end this plot in a day is irrelevant. Oh well, I’m sure Gil and Jawor will find a way to bar Hendricks, probably because of his ethnicity or religion or something. Country clubs still do that sort of thing, don’t they?

August 6, 2021

Yeah I got questions

Filed under: actual action, Colorist Error, Gil Thorp, golf, Heather Burns — robmize2013 @ 8:42 pm

Well I had a better week then the Cubs as I visited Denver and the surrounding area this past week, enjoying all the mountain views and driving the winding roads that define Colorado. In a 7 week span I went to 5 states, and all 3 trips were enjoyable in their own way.

I’m glad the golf round is also over, as they spared us some nonsense about someone walking in and playing good golf, as theyve done in the past. In reviewing the weeks strips, I noticed some oddities:

  1. Carter drives up in a cart with his clubs on it, then walks 18 carrying his bag. I never saw that before. When you walk, you either have a pullcart or carry your bag. Where the fuck did he leave the cart??
  2. Carter starts with a red shirt on, then it changes to pink and Gil wears red. And the guy in red sure doesnt look like Gil on Wednesday.
  3. All 3 of them carry their bags, a bit unusual as almost every girl I ever saw walk took a pullcart. Just sayin..
  4. The rain comes and theyre prepared with raingear, not unusual, but then they STAND in the rain without so much as grabbing an umbrella? When we stop playing in a rain delay we’re either under a canopy or in our carts under a tree. These mopes do neither.
  5. Heather sees ominous rain clouds, Carter sees nothing. Hard to buy that one Cart. By the way, never heard of anyone nicknamed Cart.
  6. And after the round Gil is back in red while Cart conveniently dissappears. Why doesnt he stick around for postround drinks like normal people?
  7. Heather has a wallet? All girls I know have a purse, and never say they have a wallet.

And Gil gives a tease for Saturday as he’s gonna check something. Dont tell me Carter snuck some cash outa his wallet during the rain delay. Ha! Cart, you sneaky sob.

August 4, 2021

“I’d keep playing. I don’t think the heavy stuff’s going to come down for quite a while.”

It’s a day full of cliches at the MCC, but why blind pigs and acorns? Why not blind squirrels and nuts? Blind pigs and acorns make the best jamón ibérico de bellota, but with size of the bets Carter’s been making I think squirrel jerky Underwood Deviled Ham is more in line with his budget.

Meanwhile, something mysterious appears on the horizon. Funnel cloud? Vic Doucette’s grandpa van? Hendricks’ crappy shot to bluff Heather and Gil? Why not all of the above? Will this group call it quits before they get to see the true nature of the sandbag, or will they play through and tempt the wrath of higher powers?

meta: Wasn’t Local H a topic of discussion on a Rock ‘n Roll Thursday some time back? I’ve lost track of those ever since I switched from posting Thursdays to Wednesdays. In any event I just stumbled across Local H’s cover of TV On The Radio (a band I’ve really been into for the past year or so)’s “Wolf Like Me.” Sharing it here with the original to jog memories and invite comparisons.

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