This Week in Milford

August 16, 2018

At the Valley Juniors, There’s No One to Rap Your Knuckles If You Sandbag

Filed under: Gil Thorp, golf, High Five Fail — teenchy @ 6:28 am

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If the hole is a par 6 then, yeah, six strokes is a par.  Yesterday’s strip tries to infer that it’s a par 4, to reinforce that the PRCC boys are cheaters.  The MCC pair are the only honest young men on the links.  Must be that good ole St. Fabe’s parochial school learnin’ that keeps them honest; it sure ain’t no scorekeeper.

Not the worst high five I’ve seen in P1 but if that’s supposed to be a fist bump in P2 those kids must take a 72 sleeve on their dress shirts.

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August 13, 2018

Unqualified

Filed under: Gil Thorp, golf, What the hell is going on here? — nedryerson @ 5:52 am

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Who knew there was so much structure to Junior Golf in The Valley? Tournaments and qualifiers and Wilson and Tony banging up the course. Are we expected to keep track of all this? Are statistics or rankings kept somewhere? Seriously, this is most likely an abbreviated plot and yet it seems crammed full of lots of talk of a sports infrastructure that we’ve never heard about in a Gil Thorp context before. Remember when golf was just something Gil pretended to teach little kids as an excuse so he didn’t have to help Mimi around the house?

Next, Gil is going to teach the Boys Wonder about golf topography!

August 9, 2018

You Better Work!

Filed under: Gil Thorp, golf, Milford Weirdos — teenchy @ 7:25 am

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Goofus brings his cell phone on the course in violation of club policy.  Gallant heads to the practice bunker to improve his game.

Goofus cuts over to 17 to get off the course early.  Gallant calls penalties on himself for double hits he may be imagining.

Goofus namechecks a comic strip that’s even less relevant to today’s readers than the one he’s in.  Gallant works on his form by trying an awkward ballet position. (I’ll leave it to our experts to tell us which one.)

The Protagonists of August will keep working, ’cause Gil sure as hell won’t.

Musical inspiration for today’s post title:

August 8, 2018

Golf Plot At OK Corral

Filed under: comic crossovers, general nonsense, golf, Just plain sad — tdrewhardin @ 3:19 pm

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This is getting ridiculously easy to pick apart. We didn’t know who the Dalton Gang was before, we only had clues such as Gunfighting Ethics (“Don’t point that Colt .45 at a woman!!!!!!!!!) or MAYBE locations where they were playing and evidently winning like Pine Ridge CC, BUT WE DO NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! And you gotta be kidding me. I was expecting macho hunks that Little Joe and Hoss would be engaging in war with behind a boulder as big as an elephant or in the kitchen at the Ponderosa ranch. Can’t let ’em steal the microwave, can we, Mr. Cartwright (“Don’t let ’em get the Tupperware!!!!!!!!)?

But nooooooooooooo, these assholes are no worse than what you’d see Greg and Peter and Bobby fighting in the neighborhood on The Brady Bunch or Alfalfa and Spanky and Buckwheat would take on to defend Darla’s honor. If we’re going to endure a bad golf plot in the month of August, damn, Thorpiverse, can we upgrade the villainry? Bart Simpson could waylay these guys with his Butterfingers bar. Heck, the Cartwrights could potty-train these guys.

And then there’s P1. No, no, say it ain’t so, Thorpiverse. Please don’t tell me I’m seeing Wilson Casey with Third Degree Plumber’s Butt. I am really trying to close my eyes and imagine Wilson wearing Jack Nicklaus Haggar slacks and spiffy Arrow golf shirt topped by the sporty golf shoes that earned Nicklaus the moniker “The Golden Bear”. But I open my eyes and I see The Golden Butt in the worst putting stance wearing his gym clothes that he dragged from the lost-and-found hamper in the locker room at Milford High School gym. He’s just roadkill for these jerks who were jerks in their mother’s uterus during gestation. You simply don’t fight Ike Clanton with a water pistol.

And who’s this third guy? Ed McMahon? Just laughs at all their jokes even when they’re not even remotely funny? He just tags along and encourages them to make fun of Wilson and Tony, flout cell phone rules, and tag along in the rear when they’re about to tee off? What a life. Boy, THIS plot’s getting off to a roaring start. And to think we’re just weeks away from football. We only have basically 3 weeks of ineptitude to work in. Can I get him to go get me the $5 Lunch Bucket Brigade? I’ll give him a 10 and he can keep the change.

 

A Duluth Trading Company commercial late at night on The Milford Family Channel

“How to fix Plumber’s Butt:

Step 1: Identify the problem.

‘Man, Dude, I could take putting practice in that thing. You’re a human sand trap!!!!!’

Step 2: Remove those god-awful articles of clothing. Do it in the woods as there are ladies present. Use Off!!!! Spray if you need to and watch the raccoons.

Step 3: Put on Duluth Long Tail T-Shirt and Shorts. Put on Duluth Trading Boxer Shorts first to keep plot on schedule. We don’t want emergency changes in the woods on August 31st.

Step 4: Double-check your work.

‘Ooooooooooooooo, he’s so sexy looking in that Long Tail T!!!!!!!!!!!!! And his butt isn’t dragging along the fairways!!!!!!!!!!!’  ‘Yeah, wish I could say the same for the plot!!!!!!!!’

Problem solved.

 

If ya wore the same clothes to fix yore U-pipe underneath yore sink, proudly displaying yore Grand Canyon to the world, that ya yore later that afternoon when ya knocked in a hole-in-one, with Gil ‘n’ Kaz ‘n’ a Notary serving as witnesses, ya might be a redneck.

 

Additions to the survey that a person receives when they eat at The Bucket

 

Did you order items from the Dollar Menu?  1) Yes  2) No  3) Aren’t all items at The Bucket dollar items?

What did you order?

Bucket Bitty Burger

Bucket Burrito

Bucket Biscuit w/Sausage

Bucket Biscuit w/Hot Cakes

Bucket Biscuit w/Lollipop

Bucket Chicken Sandwich

Bucket o’ Ribs

Bucket o’ Ribs Marinaded in Jack Daniels Straight

Bucket o’ Ribs Marinaded in Jack Daniels Straight w/Hot Cakes

Bucket o’ Ribs Marinaded in Jack Daniels Straight w/ Hot Cakes and Chaser

 

Rate the cleanliness of the rest rooms  1) Before I got diarrhea from the Lousiana Lightnin’ Sauce on the Bucket o’ Ribs?  2) Somewhat Unclean  3) Neither Clean nor Unclean  4) Somewhat Clean  5) Very Clean

I had to use the Time-Out Table because I said the Bucket Con Carne looked like something Mr. Ed would consume out of his pail  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Disagree

Did you use drive-thru?  1) Yes  2) No  3) I would have used drive-thru but my car got repossessed by Milford Finance

How fast was drive-thru?  1) Very Slow  2) Somewhat Slow  3) Neither Fast nor Slow  4) Somewhat Fast  5) Checker Flag at Pick-Up

Rate the friendliness of drive-thru staff  1) Very Unfriendly  2) Somewhat Unfriendly  3) n/a-cashier had to take a dump  4) Somewhat Friendly  5) Like Mr. Green Jeans was taking your order

 

Due to overwhelming popularity with Buy One Liver Cheeseburger and Bucket Fries Combo, Get One Free, we are adding a Bucket Road Ice Cream Float to order to express our appreciation to our great customers and to address complaints of Liver Cheese breath by some of our customers. We apologize for any inconvenience.

 

Then there’s Mutt and Jeff. Insulting my hobby (LOVE to collect old comic strips) aside, let’s just call these jerks…Mutt and Jeff. Why not? They pretty well wrote their own script on this one and will have a hard time getting out of this plot(darn the luck). Can anyone be possibly be taking these losers seriously? Yeah, they shoot a few shots at our heroes but there is NO WAY this is Spike Lee vs. Reggie Miller trash talk proportions. My Man Reggie would shrug off these children and keep shooting 3 after 3. Let THESE guys get in your head? Said another way, let Mutt and Jeff get in your head? If Reggie could shake off Spike, he could shake off Dagwood and Barney Google. Come up with spicier attitudes than that, Thorpiverse.

And I’m not EVEN going to comment on P3. Are Mutt and Jeff going to tell Wilson tomorrow when Wilson is hanging his head “You’re mother drives a pickle wagon?” “Your mother wears army boots?” “Your mother eats Mike and Ike Candy”. Yeah, goin’ for the throat, Mutt and Jeff. You’ve really reached new lows. McMahon’s really laughing his ass off when he’s not lapping your behinds in P2.

 

“And here at BlackthorneSt.FabiansPineRidgeAleutianIslands CC, Wilson has dug himself out of the sand trap and scored an eagle, no thanks to Coach T’s coaching. Stick to coaching your kids. We’ll be right back after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“I FEEL LIKE TAKING ALL MY CLOTHES OFF, DANCING TO THE RITE OF SPRING, WHEN I WOULDN’T NORMALLY DO THIS KIND OF THING!!!!!!!!!”

Coach Kaz opens the door to Gil’s office.

Gil is discoing in his Duluth Trading Company boxers. He slams off the jam box.

“Whoooaaaaaa, Gil, I’ll just comer back later.”

“No, no, Kaz, whattya need?”

“Uh, another coach called for Moose. Do you wanna fax his stats?”

“Yeah, but you’re going to have to use Dr. Pearl’s office. Mine’s down again.”

“Sure, sure, I completely understand. I think I have everything in his file.”

“Wait, you might need his SAT scores. I have them in that file cabinet over there.”

“Nahhhh, I think Dr. Pearl has them in her desk and I can get the key from Luhm. You go on and trip the light fantastic.”

“You won’t tell anyone, will you?”

“Who would I tell?”

Gil is stuck for an answer. He can’t ask the audience on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?”

“BTW, did you go to The Bucket and have the Liver Cheeseburger again?”

 

“I had to confront my Erectile Dysfunction problem once and for all. I was having trouble pumping up for Mimi and was resorting to desperate measures. It was embarrassing having to explain to Coach Kaz my position. But he rewarded my coming out of the closet by resteering me to the Milford Men’s Clinic. With treatment programs that work, I can do my best imitation of John Travolta at the Milford Elks Club without worrying about getting the battery charged. And Mimi’s fun in bed too. I can get it on in both places. You can too. Come get that Disco Inferno at the Milford Men’s Clinic today.

 

Gang, go to it. Great comments yesterday and if you’ll help nail Mutt and Jeff to the wall, it would be mucho apreciado.

 

“Do you want a hot apple pie or 3 cookies for a dollar with your Liver Cheeseburger and Bucket Fries Combo?”

August 7, 2018

Help Big Boy Find His Way Out Of This Plot

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Gang, remember when we were kids and we went to Jerry’s or Ponderosa or Frisch’s Big Boy and we’d order our favorite food because our parents weren’t going to make us eat our vegetables at Frisch’s, WE COULD ORDER WHATEVER THE HELL WE WANTED? So we’d order a Triple Cheese Big Boy Burger, a washtub full of French Fries, Caesar’s Salad they’d serve in dog food bowls and OF COURSE THE DESSERT which was a hot fudge sundae designed like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Naturally, we didn’t finish because we were kids and our eyes got bigger than our tummies and so Mom and Dad got us doggie bags to finish instead of Cheerios for the next couple of days. While we were waiting, remember those placemats? The ones that had “Help Long John Silver find the buried treasure” or “Help Big Boy find his way to his house” or “Help Marty Moon find his way to Studio 3 after he got hung over from Blatz Beer the night before”.

That’s the scenario as I see it in front of me. Etiqutte training? Blackthorne? One minute we’re on the trail of 2 teenagers, evidently with some game, about to brave the elements to,well, play more golf. Next thing you know we’re trying to cram in more terminology within the span of  less than a month. The plot that never ends, fer sure.

What does etiquette training have to do with the game of golf AT THIS POINT ANYWAY? Sure, you yell “FORE!!!!!” when you hit a shot and you think it’s going to hit a spectator or fellow golfer on the head if they’re in the vicinity of your shot. And you wait patiently until your partner putts or uses a 9-iron before you attempt your shot. But we don’t need to go into Amy Vanderbilt here and why are we going into it anyway? Because Gil is trying to hide the fact that HE’S CLUELESS AND HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH 2 TEENAGE BOYS WITH OBVIOUSLY MORE GOLF LORE IN THEIR BAGS THAN GIL HAS IN HIS TRUNK?

Gil, why don’t you just say it? You have NOTHING to teach these kids so the month of August is strictly going to be a BS session as we help Cap’n Crunch and his crew find Etiquette Training and get a coupon good for a free Big Boy Catch of the Day Fish Sandwich, good for the next go-round plus a box of Cap’n Crunch Blueberry Cereal (Hey, we’re kids, we always loved a throw-ins). I mean, I don’t know if we’re reading Gil Thorp or James Joyce. St. Fabians? Was that in “Finnegan’s Wake” or “Ulysses”?

I’twas a blustery dye in Milfoordian as we goot nae soon for tree dyes now. Blackthorne woos a syte with ool its liefs drooped froom the trees. Gil nyded moor sex froom his wife sence the ploot woos fallin apart with nae end in syte.

 

At the Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club during August

“AWOPBOPALOOBOPAWOPBAMBOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Heard at a table 10 feet from stage

“Man, I didn’t know Coach Kaz had it in him!!”

“I hear ya!! And Mimi is really SHAKIN’ THAT THANG!!”

 

Little Richard, you’re still going strong at 86 and I don’ t see that stopping. My hat’s off to you, My Man.

And have we really established where the hell we’re playing? As long as Gil is going to be the caboose on the Little Train That Could(“CHOO CHOOOOO, This plot is bad, this plot is bad, this…”), we’re given possible sites, Pine Ridge, St. Fabians, Blackthorne, Augusta National, Pebble Beach, Zion National Monument, Badlands, and so on but Gil is not only NOT REALLY coaching(like he ever was but this time his hand is caught in the hole on #10) but he’s drawn a blank for a specific spot.

At Milford Putt Putt

“NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can’t have somebody hold the windmill blade while you’re shooting for an eagle. That’s cheating!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

What happens when you call the number 1-888-O-BUCKET or go online at http://www.Bucketismyfirstlove.com to answer the survey to receive a Buy One Bucket Liver Cheeseburger and Bucket Fries Combo, Get One Free coupon

 

What did you order?

Bucket Burger

Bucket Double Burger

Bucket Triple Burger

Bucket Cheese Burger

Bucket Fries

Bucket Curly Fries

Bucket Chili Fries

Bucket o’ Tots

Bucket Hot Tamale

Bucket Pasta and Rice

Bucket Breakfast w/ Hot Cakes

Bucket Breakfast w/ Hot Cakes w/o Hash Brown Packet

Bucket Breakfast w/ Hot Cakes w/ I Can’t Believe it’s Butter!!!

Bucket Breakfast w/ Hot Cakes w/o Hash Brown Packet w/ Napkins & Straw w/o Butter and Jelly and Maple Syrup w/Arm & Hammer Baking Soda

Bucket Bologna Burger

Bucket Garlic Bologna Burger

Bucket Thick-Sliced Garlic Bologna Burger

Bucket Thin-Sliced Garlic Bologna Burger in Laminated Sheets

Bucket Thin-Sliced Garlic Bologna Burger Hand-Tossed

Bucket Turkey Burger

Bucket Buffalo Burger

Bucket Buffalo Burger(w/o Hormone Shots)

Bucket Burger w/ Matzo Buns

Bucket Pizza Burger

Bucket Pizza Burger Delivered in 30 Minutes or Less or it’s Free, excluding Oakwood and New Thayer

Pepperoni Pizza

Sausage Pizza

Canadian Bacon Pizza

Pizza! Pizza!(Oops, this is not a Little Caesars Survey)

Any Combo of these that it would take printing another piece of paper that was obtained by felling a tree in Milford Natural Area to print

 

How satisfied were you with the quality of the food products?  1) Highly Satisfied  2) Somewhat Satisfied  3)  Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied  4) Somewhat Dissatisfied  5) Highly Dissatisfied

How satisfied were you with the temperature of your food?  1) Highly Satisfied  2) Somewhat Satisfied  3) Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied  4) Somewhat Dissatisfied  5) They use thermometers that aren’t Blue-Lite Specials at K-Mart, no?

How satisfied were you with the friendliness of the staff?  1) Highly Satisfied  2) Somewhat Satisfied  3) Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied  4) Somewhat Dissatisfied  5) I’ve seen friendlier from a slut who got terminated at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club because of too many absences even though the Union is taking it to arbitration

How long did take to receive your order?

0-5 Minutes

6-10 Minutes

11-18 Minutes

19-25 Minutes

26-32 Minutes

Longer than the last plot

Did you order dessert products(Bucket Blast Banana Split, Bucket Blizzard, Bucket Bundt Cake, Bucketmints, Bucketpuddin’, etc.)?  1) Yes  2) No  3) Didn’t have time-had to get back to the Golf Plot

How satisfied were you with the quality of the dessert products?  1) Highly Satisfied  2) Somewhat Satisfied  3) Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied  4) Somewhat Dissatisfied  5) Highly Dissatisfied

The Bucket car hops had Plumber’s Butt  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I think playing “Hot Rod Lincoln” 736 times on the jukebox during Milford Frog Follies was a bit excessive  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I would be satisfied if The Bucket were to transfer operations to Camp Swampy  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I think The Bucket and Milford Clay Oven(“The Taste of the Himalayas comes to Mudlarkland”) should exchange menus for 1 week  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I think if Milford Clay Oven were to shut down for 3 weeks by the Milford Health & Safety Board due to numerous safety hazards, The Bucket would be The Taste of the Himalayas  1) Strongly disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I’d rather eat at The Bucket than Frisch’s Big Boy because I have suspicions that Big Boy is transsexual  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3)  Neither Agree nor Disagree  4)  Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I’d rather eat at The Bucket than the Milford McDonald’s because there were rumors that Ronald McDonald had Red Books by Chairman Mao on his coffee table in his living room  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

Thank you for taking the time to complete the survey. Your promo code number to Buy One Bucket Liver Cheeseburger and Bucket Fries Combo Get One Free is 48576390768574636458693766012365774758569687784626486068462362364547575785839094589686858684002274659235765748347289. Call for any problems.

 

P3: “And Gil’s putt at Putt-Putt went THAT far off the hole. It’s a shame cuz he made the shot through the cannon without landing on the street.”

 

“BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS AIN’T A CONCERT HALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” as numerous tomatoes and ice cubes are hurled at Coach Shaw at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club. Mimi and the Pussycats are still cuttin’ a rug.

“Dear, you can’t sound like Django Reinhart the first time. The Jazz Guitar lessons take time.”

“And I heard the Milford UMC has a Chicken ‘n’ Grits Supper this Friday and I heard their organist has the flu. My summer ain’t entirely shot. I’ll get supplementary income somehow.”

“Sounds like a winner. C’mon, let’s have fun in bed.”

“Uhhhhhhh, where’s those Barney Kessel CD’s? I could use a little more practice.”

 

Gang, comment away. I’m going over to Milford Putt-Putt for the Pro-Am Tournament. There was a question when the ball didn’t clear the drawbridge in time how to execute the ball drop. Do you step on the petunias around the bridge? The debate still rages.

 

“Oh, SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! I lost track of the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to be at work in 15 minutes!!!!!!!!!!!! Gil, don’t you have bodyguard duty?”

“I’m off tonight.”

Well, can you water my daffodils? There’s a new dance routine we gotta learn tonight. We gotta get the Texas 2-Step down before the 1st show at 8.”

 

At Jerry’s Restaurant in Milford

“Help Coach Shaw find his sex life. His wife is on a deserted island wearing a tropical grass bikini with nothing but coconuts and Friday.”

August 6, 2018

Fired Up

Filed under: Gil Thorp, golf, Mimi Thorp — nedryerson @ 5:39 am

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I’m going to confess that I have put even less than my usual amount of effort into figuring out what this summer golf plot is all about.

So far I get that we’ve got two golf courses, each with a set of teens with golf clubs strapped onto their bodies. I’m not going to try to deepen my understanding. Time is short. This is nowhere, man!

Also, I’ve had an interesting week in the real world and last Monday seems like it was ages ago. I could swear that we had a Gil and Mimi moment to set the stage, but it looks like we’re having another one in the Thorps’ garden. Given the short period of time available to develop a summer plot, the fact that we’re pausing to refresh one week in is a very bad sign.

August 4, 2018

The P.R.C.C. Can Suck on This

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Here are the heels of August: The Pine Ridge Boys. They’re what the policemen on Sodor would call “Regular Law Breakers.” I’ll bet they’ll give those earnest young golfing boys from the Milford CC all they can handle at the Valley Juniors.

We all know cheaters never win and winners never cheat, but can we take a page from The Pine Ridge Boys’ playbook and cut over to September while we’re at it?  Probably not, so stick around for a few weeks of Goofus and Gallant on the Golf Course if you will.

Inspiration for today’s post title at this link.

 

August 2, 2018

Remember When Concussions Were A Big Deal In Milford?

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Here’s the exposition strip we’ve all come to know and love.  To say Gil isn’t up for this is an understatement, as evidenced by his half-hearted attempt to slit his own throat.

Alright, let’s get down to it.  Nobody’s heard of these two jabronis before because they were soccer players.  As we know in the Thorpiverse, playing soccer gets you nowhere and gives you ideas that you can do other things.  Then again, maybe that’s the concussions talking.  Maybe Heather Burns took one too many balls to the head and that made her think she could be a trainer a tight end The Quarterback Whisperer.  I seem to recall a whole story arc revolving around concussions and their impact.  Oh yeah, that was a football arc.  Since we’re talking soccer here it’s only worth one panel.

The Real Wilson Casey was a star tennis player. This could easily have been a summer tennis arc but that would have warped our fragile little minds.

There have been many Tony Pauls.  I’d like to think this one is a shout-out to the industrial designer, but more than likely it’s to the Detroit News sportswriter, given the Michigancentricity of Rubin’s world.

John Jawor wears the same middle-aged white guy face that Del Bader, Wildcat Maris, Father of True Standish, and countless other middle-aged white guys in Milford have worn.  Wouldn’t it have been more interesting if Whigham had drawn him to look more like the real John Jawor?

On that note, here’s an interview with The Real John Jawor.  Maybe it’ll be more interesting than this August plot. One thing’s for sure: The Real John Jawor would’ve told those kids to keep their elbows straight by now.

 

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