This Week in Milford

October 16, 2021

Is Everybody Happy?

Filed under: Brown Hair, Goshen, Heather Burns, Milford Idiots — teenchy @ 9:33 pm

Sorry I’m so late with today’s post, y’all. I’ve been feeling like my posts have been kind of slapdash, written in haste. I feel the need to step back, remember the early days when I just joined the rotation, and focus on the core of what makes Gil Thorp Gil Thorp: the sportsball.

What’s been at the core of Mudlark football this season? The Delaware Wing-T! Where best to brush up on the Delaware Wing-T? Why, Delaware of course!

So tonight’s post comes to you from the heart of Blue Hen Country itself. On to the postgame report…

Well that was anticlimactic. With Milford up 13 in the third quarter, Tevin Claxton had a pass tipped and picked off. Was Goshen able to capitalize on the turnover? Doesn’t look that way; they ended up losing by 24! From midway the third, Milford outscored Goshen 21-10. When did Goshen think kicking another field goal made sense? Only if they actually did score off that pick and hung their ten to get within 23-20 before Milford reeled off three touchdowns. Otherwise it’s garbage time stuff to beat the spread.

Trying to play Saturday night quarterback and figure out how the rest of the game played out is about as productive as trying to figure out who this rando brunette is why Gil feels he needs to fluff Goshen in his postgame presser with Heather. Beating your opponent by four scores is solid but come on, Goshen hasn’t been good in ages. Let’s go to where the real action is – the Milford locker room.

Tevin’s a cool customer; he didn’t let that pick bother him and he drove the team onward to victory. He doesn’t even let this undersized beady-eyed punk lineman get to him. The only problem Tevin really has is trying to make time with burn-the-candle-at-both-ends Kianna. Boyd Spiller is intent on making himself a problem for Tevin, though. Tevin might laugh it off but it won’t be long until the rest of his teammates won’t.

What havoc they may wreak on young Spiller remains to be seen. I’m just waiting for the reveal of why Boyd feels compelled to call Tevin a choker every time a play doesn’t go as planned. Did Tevin ignore him while a bunch of other jocks were bullying him? Steal the pudding cup off his lunch tray, or what?

October 13, 2021

Anywhere’s Better Than Delware

Filed under: actual action, Colorist Error, football, Goshen — teenchy @ 7:49 am

Well this is a bit of a cluster, innit?

Besides the obvious spelling and naming errors in P3, we also have a Milford player colored as a Goshen player at the bottom of the pile. Don’t think so? Look at the dark numbers on his back. Faithful TWIMer hitorque noted yesterday that no teams in the Thorpiverse ever wear white uniforms. I think that when Whigham draws these strips in black & white, he intends the teams with dark numbers on their jerseys to be in white. There have been a few color-on-color games in college and pro football in the recent past (the WLOCP comes to mind along with those NFL “Color Rush” games) but, with a few exceptions for the red/green colorblind, most provide enough contrast to tell the teams apart.

Good thing that Delware T-Wing is clicking. Odds are it’d click even better if Milford had more than ten men on the field.

Then they might not only be in sync but also able to move in one direction.

Post title from the occasional live lyrics to this song. Couldn’t find a clip meeting those criteria so here’s the original.

January 16, 2021

Throw some ketchup on that hot dog

****THIS IS THE FRIDAY POST*** SATURDAY POST WILL BE LATER TODAY BY THE ONE AND ONLY JOAN RIVERS!! ***** THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE!!***

I’m assuming Vic has a tutor for some of his classes as in P2 (after studying and prepping for the game like ALL announcers do, even though he’s only a PA announcer) he’s walking on an ice rink past a sign that says READ. Did anyone ever see a sign that says READ?? The whole idea is to READ the sign, right? Reading a sign that says READ is,, superfluous, to put it mildly.

Hope they dont slip on the ice while skating to their next class, which may require reading.

Maumee High School http://www.maumee.k12.oh.us/ is located in Maumee, Ohio, and its enrollment was 693 students in 2017, so they only count head every 4 years or so when a new crop of kids come in. Why count every year when its the same old kids?

Does Vic do road games too? PA announcers only do home games in my world, so looks like we found the first hole in the plot. He’ll need an upgraded vehicle for all that driving. How many states does Milford need to go to for non-conference games for crying out loud? Perrysburg is also in Ohio, and only 6 miles from Maumee, but I thought they played Rogers last game? Theyre from (holy) Toledo Ohio, so either everyones coming to Milford from the Buckeye State or Gil won free gas from Speedway for a year. Hard to believe you play 3 straight games against new opponents. I’m needing some Goshen in my soup pretty soon.

November 4, 2020

Just Your Typical Three Panels of Obnoxiousness. Nothing to See Here, Part Deux

Did y’all do anything fun yesterday? Yeah, me neither, and I hope you slept better than I did.

Speaking of better, better late than never with today’s post. The Thayer v. Rapson competition is not only for quarterback but also for the attention of that little ray of sunshine, Corina. Judging from the look on Thayer’s face in P2, the competition at the moment exists only in Rapp’s head. He’s had enough of her outgoing personality and has decided any ongoing interaction is not worth the effort.

What he has not had enough of is twisting the knife into Rapp’s audible-calling, benchwarming ass. BFD that Rapp has convinced Corina to come to the Goshen game, unless she wants to see the true leader of the Mudlark offense in action, that is. Corina might not cotton to authority but she’s equally uninclined to warm up to a sycophant. Come to think of it, isn’t that what Thayer is in essence – a game manager who may not spark the big plays but who follows Gil’s instructions to the letter? Seems like neither one of these guys has a chance with her. Keep your eyes on that Dallas guy, though.

June 12, 2020

Scenes from the Class Struggle in the Valley

Filed under: baseball, Fat Guys, Gil Thorp, Goshen, Valley Modified — teenchy @ 9:18 pm

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Alright, before I dive into today’s strip I want to call Gil out for being the hypocrite he is. Self-fulfilling prophecy: yesterday we find out Mike is scouting junior colleges because State U thinks he’s “damaged goods.” He’d been previously accepted there and, once expelled from Milford, expressed his fear to Gil that he’d have his acceptance rescinded.  Did Gil speak out on his behalf to State U, emphasizing that The Mayor was “a good kid” who had a lapse of judgement? Obviously not. Gil’s put in the good word for kids at State U before (see Pascoe, John). If Mike had been as good an athlete as True Standish was, would Gil have done similar? It’s not like your average college sports team roster is a stranger to a kid with a criminal record. Nope, Gil knew the kid was was good, knew the kid had made a mistake, and did nothing to help him either before or after his expulsion except to tell him to get on with his life. Asshole.

Now that that’s off my chest, let’s look at the uphill battle the kids at Valley Mod have to fight. No athletic equipment, no athletic fields and, apparently, no math instruction. Count for yourselves:

count_to_12

Now what are they gonna do behind the school? Shoot craps? After that, time for the ex-Mayor, the reincarnation of Babe Ruth in a Flash hat, and their band of miscreants to roam the streets of Goshen looking for a place to practice. Boy, the Valley treats the bad kids like trash, doesn’t it?

May 27, 2020

A Sort of Homecoming

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In case you didn’t pick up on the long hair in the dugout yesterday (or thought it was a Kevin Pelwecki tribute), the Milford @ Goshen game is in softball, not baseball. It was one of the Lady Mudlarks who called out Mike from the stands. Unnamed – and not particularly visually distinctive under the earflaps – it must be Phoebe, the only Milford girl who showed an inkling of interest in The Mayor and who, as the recipient of The Mayor’s attention, was an unwitting spectator to the spiral of events that led to his expulsion.

Nevertheless, she’s surprised and happy to see him, so she spontaneously gives him a hug. Remember spontaneously giving people hugs? Yeah, me too. Is that a butter knife in Mike’s pocket or is he just glad to see Phoebe? Leave it to Mimi to rain on this little parade. Wonder how much she knows about the situation, especially how much she knows about how little Gil did in Mike’s defense.

What other reason does Mike have to hang out and watch his old schoolmates play ball? That world is behind him; even his ex-coach called him an idiot for even thinking about trying to recapture it.  So unless the ex-Mayor is plotting some kind of revenge he really shouldn’t be torturing himself with reminders of his past. That includes Phoebe; after all, didn’t we just see an equally cute blonde on the Valley Modified campus a couple of days ago? Now, where are the brake lines on the Lady Mudlarks’ activity bus?

May 16, 2020

Universal Copout

gt05162020

Gentle readers, have we ever heard of Valley Modified before today? I really wanted to work it into a song parody but it’s really late in the day and song parodies aren’t really my turf anymore.

Valley Mod
He’s a Valley Mod
Valley Mod
He’s a Valley Mod
Okay, fine
Fer sure, fer sure
He’s a Valley Mod
I ain’t got no more

No, instead I wanna focus on who appears to be yet another crappy lawyer in Milford. She must be with the same firm where Del Bader retained counsel. With that “you can’t beat City Hall” attitude, this stiff must be on the Milford School Board’s payroll .Hell, in my last post I alluded to the fact that there have been successful challenges to school zero-tolerance policies; here’s one from 2009, for example. Zero-tolerance policies are in retreat around the country, as there are studies that have found they don’t make schools safer and disproportionately single out students of color.  Hadley V. needs to come back to town and carve Dr. Pearl a new one. (See what I did there?)

The Mayor looks like he might be cooking up some ideas of his own. Behind those cracked knuckles lies the glare of a hardened criminal. Sure he’ll get a job – one like Martin Blank‘s.

 

November 1, 2018

Hey, Hey, Glad Gil Only Wants To Get You Fried On Monday, Tiki

Filed under: actual action, exposition comics, Gil Thorp, Goshen, Pissy faced Gil — tdrewhardin @ 4:14 pm

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Uh oh. Tiki’s gonna get a paddling on Monday. You saw it coming. How many times were we going to see Tiki racing with his pants on fire to practices, classes, games, poker tournaments, sand volleyball matches at Milford Lounge, pro wrestling matches between Jerry Lawler and Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart at the Milford Colosseum, union rallies, Bar-B-Q luncheons at the Milford Civitan Club at the Milford IGA meeting room before Gil was FINALLY going to put his foot down and TAKE CHARGE!!!!!!! Only logical, it’s November, about when the plot is mired in the swamp and just BEGGING for somebody to perform a Molly Hatchet and get them cannons jumped and fired up again. The difference was, Molly got it going in the heat of the battle which is why she deserves a place in history while Gil used the jumper cables on the cannons after the British won and left for Ticonderoga. Gil, you’re not going to win too many battles or games if you cross the Delaware after the Redcoats have recrossed The Pond and gone back home.

And what REALLY is going to be the punishment? Take out all the waste cans in each classroom and give Steve Luhm a free vacation? Use an Oral B toothbrush to clean the toilet in Gil’s personal bathroom in his office? Be the timer for all 5 games for Mimi’s team? When Mr. C grounded Richie because the latter spent too much time admiring The Fonz’s Harley instead of going to school, the punishment fit the crime. But with Coach T., I’m getting a sick gut feeling we’re going to see Pandora’s Box, punishments ranging from the switch to the Salem Witch Trial method, being put on the rack and stretched and/or locked down in the stocks in the middle of the school cafeteria or even a mystery punishment (“Hang from the flagpole in front of WDIG studios”). But Gil is taking charge. Finally.

 

 

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Only want to get you bored

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Love to slash you with a sword

 

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

 

There will be no consummation

There will be no fast conclusion

To this farce

 

They keep on dragging it down

in the mud

They ramble on and on

What a flood

 

For those of you still not convinced that  bad hearing causes Alzheimer’s Disease

At the Valley Conference showdown where the Milford Mudlarks and the Goshen Palookas are battling to get out of last place

“Gil, is your hearing slipping? I wanted to sub Tiki and you sent in Telly Savales. He’s an ACTOR, Gil. He’s NOT on the roster!!!!!!!!!”

“You watch Kojak?”

“And why’d you go for it on 4th-and 26 on our own 10-yard-line? The Palookas scored with ease like we were standing still!!!!!!!!”

“So you thought he sucked on too many lollipops too, huh? How many did he have in his desk?”

“And that was a HORRIBLE call by the official. Our lineman didn’t even touch him on that holding call!!!!!!!!!!! And you’re gonna treat him to a Livercheese Burger at The Bucket after the game?”

“Better than lollipops.”

“Gil, can you even make sense of what I’m saying???? You ran an end around sweep when I called for a roll-out right which would have kept the defense honest and they would stack their defense up so tight. You also had 10 guys out on the field.”

“So you think we ought to call  an audible?”

 

Shout-out to Patricia Gardner of Louisville, Kentucky. She has been through SEVERAL trials and has lived to tell about each one. A liver transplant and in the process of getting a kidney transplant tells me she wants to be a part of the scenery. Good for you, Patricia. She has done all this and raised beautiful children to boot. Today, she was weak after tests and dialysis were run on her, yet she refused to let it beat her. You were great to talk to and VERY interesting. She is also a writer and writes about life, a talent not everybody can do. Continue to make your mark in the world, Patricia. We still need you.

 

Playing DOWN to its record?????? Last time I checked, that’s pretty daggone awful. Who did they play when they WON???????? The Milford Women’s Christian Temperance Union?????? Wow, on a rainy Friday night

The WCTU coach in their locker room in a pre-game speech

“Let’s win one for the Gipper because he voted against Demon Rum!!!!!!!!!!!”

After the 110-0 shellacking by the Goshen Palookas, complete with 37 broken bones, 87 contusions,  210 concussions, 3,468 teeth knocked out, and 15 players sent to Milford General Hospital, 5 in the ICU, the WCTU coach in the post-game speech

“Alcohol still sucks!!!!!!!!!!”

And if the only time we see a football is when it’s bouncing around in a pinball machine for the hapless schmuck to pick up, it just confirms the inertia the plot has been broadcasting for the last 3 months. No potential energy here if you physics students are still awake. The epitome of this malaise has GOT TO BE in P2 where, wellllll, you could say there’s football going on, but, A) We don’t see the field soooooooo B) For all we know, they could be in the middle of the National Anthem while the UFO is coming on the field for a landing. Probably the Kanamits back to pick up a section of the crowd to take back to their planet. Either way, if it IS the National Anthem we’re encountering, TAKE OFF YOUR DAMN HELMETS. They haven’t been utilized anyway, why put ’em on NOW??????

 

 

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Only want to get us flayed

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Are underworked and overpaid

 

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

 

There will be no stimulation

There will be no simulation

Of any sense

 

The logic goes out of bounds

on 4th down

The flag is thrown to the ground

No touchdown

 

Shout-out to Barbara Tinsley of Louisville, Kentucky for contributions as a bus driver for TARC (Transit Authority of River City) . Barbara, you kept Louisville running for many years and was on excellent relations with your customers and got them on time. They simply didn’t pay you enough. I’m all for you getting a boost in that direction because you worked your fingers to the bone getting people to their jobs or to their doctor’s appointments. Now get some rest, Barbara. You’ve earned it.

 

 

“And we’ll be right back after this. Gil is REALLY losing his mind this time. Looks like he could use a hearing aid from one of  our sponsors, Milford Hearing’s All We Do. Might I suggest a kettledrum size for his fat head. All right, that out of the way, at Milford Hearing’s All We Do, you can get control of your life again with a hearing aid designed to fit your needs and budget. Give ’em a call today at 1-800-GOOD-EAR. All major insurance accepted. Now a word from another one of sponsors, Milford Bitchin’ Bath, with the score, the Palookas, 41, Mudlarks, 7. This is Marty Moon on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.

“Gil, don’t you think the bath tub’s a little crowded? Me and Great-Grandma Thorp and the kids are using up all the Mr. Bubble. It’s hard to wash behind the kids’ ears when Great-Grandma Thorp is trying to give herself an enema.”

“Yup, I had a major problem. The kids couldn’t use Johnson’s No More Tears because Great-Grandma Thorp globbed it all over the dog. Boy, talk about a cow lick. Well, the dog may have had a nice coat on him but the kids hair looked like Ozzy Osbourne singing ‘Paranoid’ at the Milford Pavilion. I was getting desperate. Shoot, you should have seen the problem pile up when Fred and Wilma and Pebbles and Bam Bam got in the tub. Don’t get me wrong, I like Mimi’s breasts in bed but I really didn’t feel like climbing Mt. Everest then negotiating Betty Rubble’s same topography soon after that. And Dino and Barney? Dino wasn’t about to share his rubber ducky with him.  Then Coach Andrews suggested a walk-in tub. His football team uses it when they need to practice thinking as a team. Sure, speaking as a coach, you want a mind-set in the same direction but you want a bath tub headed in that direction too.

At Milford Bitchin’ Bath, they helped me choose the right design and let me tell you, it’s nice being able to open the door to the tub and not feel as if the Titanic is sinking. I can walk in with just a towel and Mrs. Andrews and Mimi can file their nails, gossip and splishy-splash with each other, while Fred and Barney in their Fruit of the Looms  and Wilma and Betty in their Fred’s from Hollywood bikinis can hold a seance at the other end and still get clean.  And the kids can play water polo in the middle. Shazam!!!!!! Bam Bam can bang on the tub or Dino’s head and the walk-in tub with its durable vinyl will hold serve like my golf boys did in August, even with my bad coaching. And all we had to do was take out half the garage. Heck, we were just leaving grass clippings, bags of leaves from the fall, and doggie doo piles in the dust pan, anyway. And we sold our riding mower, it was 15 years old anyway. And you oughta see Great-Grandma Thorp get in without a hitch. If she’d stop annoying us with singing “It’s Your Thing”, Isley Brothers she’s not, but, oh well, you can’t have everything. But we have solved the main problem. You can too. Come to Milford Bitchin’ Bath and if you tell ’em Gil sent ya, they’ll send the Resident Plumber to perform a free toilet inspection to do prevent maintenance on those nasty clogs. No sense in having doo-doo run out your toilet unexpectedly while your tub is overpopulated at the same time. Now you have a friend in the bathroom business.”

 

Interlude, Marty really going to town on his ukulele through all those strange bubbles in the Guided by Voices video, even jumping with the lead singer, Robert Pollard, to look more ultimate cool

 

Enough of Tiki and Joe Bikel

And his video library

 

Play football on an open date

The panels reap sedentary

 

Soap operas are nice when on TV

But not in a sports comic strip

That’s lost its way

Back home

Where Gil flunked out

His ID

Confined

To his gym trunks

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Only want to make you fly

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Wish we could wave ’em goodbye

 

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

 

SSSPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLAAAAASSSHHHHHHHH

 

“Gil, Tiki did a cannonball in the walk-in tub so the toilet’s stopped up.”

 

Comment away, gang. I still think Gil will make Tiki sing “God Bless America” with Kate Smith on top of a table at The Bucket. Better reinforce the table given Kate’s girth. We need Tiki to further stagnate this plot.

 

 

Gang, I would like to remember those slain at the synagogue in Pittsburgh. It is sad that hate is still among us and that there are still reminders that we have some cruel unthinking people in the world. Being a Christian, I’m like Voltaire, “I may not agree with what you have to say but will defend your right to say it.” When someone viciously takes matters in his/her own hands, it sets back the clock on tolerance. Matthew 13 talks about spreading Good Seed. I may not be able to save the world but, through my example, I can do an act of kindness, strongly believing another person will see it and pass it on, some OTHER person will see THAT act of kindness and pass it on, etc. The beauty of this concept is, you don’t have to believe in my Faith (but obviously hope that you would, Jesus has been good to me) to do this and it makes the place a better world. Don’t overcome hate with hate, gang. Let the culprit be brought to justice through the legal system and thereby receiving his proper reward so that we don’t become like the haters. In the meantime, pray in your own way for the victims and their families.

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