This Week in Milford

August 17, 2019

Oh Yeah? Jump On This!

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Well, I’m glad that’s settled. Ed is neither the express nor implied racist we suspected him to be (or, at least, he’s not gonna cop to that). Neither is he really that concerned about Jaquan’s post-NBA career. He just wanted baby girl to come home and join/take over his practice. I mean, why should the Foley Law Group beat him to the punch? With that, Ed V. Baxendale joins the pantheon of Milford parents living vicariously through the lives of their children (if not outright preordaining their career paths via their names).

Kinda funny we haven’t seen Gil in the strip for a couple of weeks. Hope he’s watching more of Joe Bolek’s game film. He’d better keep Hadley on speed dial for the next time he needs to intimidate the lawyerless school board, or game the system to recruit outside talent.

Finally, it wouldn’t be a Gil Thorp arc-ending strip without some kind of lame joke and a freeze-frame ending. Good thing Jaquan got Luther, The Anger Translator to stand in for him.

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August 15, 2019

The UPS Driver Will Not Deliver Packages To Tiki’s Cave. Miss Hathaway Held Serve On That One.

Filed under: Hadley V. Baxendale, Milford Alumni, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 6:03 am

 

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Gang, as several others as mentioned, it is preeettttyyyyy far-fetched that the Milford School Board is the only school board in America or, come to think of it, THE PLANET, which is dim-witted several times over to walk into a room that resembled your State Representative’s office and negotiate with a shrewd but still a bit-wet-behind-the ears lawyer, her dad who obviously really should have been leading the legal team but was incapacitated because it took a while for the Chem-Lawn to settle on his head and it’s hard to argue a case when you experience discomfort mutating from Lou Grant to Mr. Kravits and an Archie Andrews who was sleeping in his jalopy because Jughead Jones hadn’t cleaned out his garage yet without SOME kind of legal representation of its own.

Thorpiverse obviously thinks the rest of society is stupid and that Mr. Brady will let Alice the Maid argue with Hadley Venom over the whereabouts of Greg Brady. Alice, I know when I send you to the lions in the Milford Colosseum, victory is assured. Just use your broom if they get a little hostile; oh, and run the vacuum for any feline droppings. We don’t want to leave a mess.

Greg will have to reattend kindergarten. He will have to have lunch money this time, the days of Milford School vouchers are over. He’ll have to buy his own Twinkies and cafeteria meat loaf; can’t sneak lasagna from Garfield’s tray, he’s been warned about that several times. No Canadian coins in the Minute Maid machine.

But he can stay with the Cleavers. He can have Wally’s bed in the basement. And he can use Darren Stephens’ bar in Mr.Stephens’ house across the street. Just stay away from the Dewar’s Premium Label. That’s non-negotiable. Larry Tate can be a pain in the butt, especially over The Bucket ad campaign he’s been promoting lately. But Tiki can have the Lowenbrau in the fridge as long as he’s accompanied by an adult (since he’s a minor) and doesn’t drink more than 2. Save some for Samantha.

Oh, he’ll have to help Beaver with his paper route. 1,547 customers is a lot of papers to deliver and Beaver’s gotta make it to school on time.

Anything else, Alice? I understand Mel’s Diner has fish and chips to die for and I’m starving. No, Greg, no French silk pie. It gives you acid reflux, remember?

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Admits To Damages Due To Vandalism At Milford High School In Plea Bargain With School Board!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Yeah, I’m the one who set off the firecrackers under the bleachers at the girls gym but I ain’t no Unabomber. Cochrane told the Board comin’ clean on the TNT in the faculty bathroom was non-negotiable.”

 

“Is that the Orlons you’re playing? Man, I’m feelin’ the heat. Wahhhhhhh, wah wah wah-tusi, See’mon and take a channnccceee and get-a with this dance…”

“No, actually that’s Chubby Checker. He had that voice-change surgery, remember? Watch it, your tie is going to knock over that King James I lamp on the coffee table. Just wah-wah-tusi over by the humidifier.”

 

As I’m still getting over the shock of Lurch in a flannel shirt eating his pumpkin pie in Mel’s Diner (Janet’s Diner is apropos too, Teenchy-ha) , what in the name of New Thayer does Chet Atkins mean “District Mail”? Okay, I’m going to surmise that all literature pertaining to Milford High School THAT GOES TO TIKI is going to be forwarded to the Flemings’ address. But is it too much to ask to SAY THAT? District Mail? What’s he going to receive? A newsletter? Pin-Up-Of-The-Month? Better get out that bikini, Ms. Rizk, Tiki’s gettin’ hot and heavy. Beer ads? Oh, the possibilities.

“And if you bring your student ID this Saturday, Milford Beverage Warehouse will give you a free six-pack of Sprite with an adult purchase of the adult’s favorite gin & tonic. Student will get carded and must have adult present simultaneously. Sorry, no mix and matches.”

You drive a hard bargain, Hadley V.

 

“…and Greg will have to visit the same dentist that Beaver visits. And only toothpaste with Tartar Control and Fluoride. And it’s an In-School Suspension if Greg is caught with Ward Cleaver’s BVD’s. Or even Ward’s jazz record collection, including Duke Jordan’s ‘Flight to Denmark’. Ward still bawls his eyes out over ‘Glad I Met Pat.’ I won’t have some punk kid raining on Ward’s parade.”

 

If ya gotta put down one-a yore Rote-wylers cuz he’s got too many ticks and fleas and causes bed sores in the chair-backs in the meetin’ room not ta mention a mild case-a Bubonic Plague he picked up lickin’ Alpo Chicken off-a the cafeteria plate at Mel’s Diner as a condition ta enroll yore in-bred son in 3rd grade AGAIN, ya might be a redneck.

 

“…and Greg will actually have to play a sport in this strip that’s supposed to be talking about sports, not some bitchy pissy-faced female attorney and her dad and his radioactive head, hair with a shelf-life of 100 years wandering the Appalachian Trail and landing on Park Place. People thought this was Apartment 3-G until I had to set’ em straight when I was selling them on a Farm Implement Policy. And he can only use Breeze towels to wipe his butt, the ones Porter Waggoner used when he was takin’ a shit between sets…”

 

Come on Baby

Let’s do The Twist

Come on Mimi

Let’s do The Twist

Ohhhhh, Dr. Pearl

It goes like this

 

Round and round and round we go

 

“Honey, you’re gonna punch the glass of that picture of Mt. Etna.”

“Darling, I thought that was Jackson Pollack’s watercolor of the State of Maine.”

“No, I hung that in the den, over the fireplace. It had more of an intimacy. It was a conversation piece in case the neighbors came over and we’d run out of things to say before dinner.”

 

“…and Greg cannot hang around Eddie Munster anymore. People are beginning to talk. They traced the robbery of the Milford 7-11 to Grandpa Munster. Says he got $72 out of the drawer and some coins but the Milford Police couldn’t prove anything. And he can only eat Mott’s Applesauce, Del Monte canisters are a thing of the past. The School Board’s on a budget…”

Tim, My Man, thanks for covering for me on Tuesday. I gotta lug this heart monitor around for 3 months (ha) so your tag team effort was a huge shot in the arm. It’s kinda like dragging around this non-athletic plot with no light at the end of the tunnel snoozing in a sleeping bag by the Milford City Dump, well, you get the idea.

 

“I can’t help it, Dear, I’ve always liked dancing to ‘Purple Onions’ by Booker T & the M.G.’s. Willie Weeks plays a mean bass on that tune.”

“Ed, I think it’s ‘Green Onions’ and Donald ‘Duck’ Dunn played the bass.”

“Whatever. It’s been a long day. You should have seen her handle that School Board like Jon McLaughlin whirling his fingers on ‘Dizzy Atmosphere’ accompanied by Duke and Bird and miss your Maxwell House cup by a mile.”

 

I’m still in shock over “District Mail.” Let me see if we’re on the same page, Thorpiverse

“…and if Greg Brady is going to send news about dog-breeding Lassie, he has to specify ‘dog’ in his ad. There were too many complaints about the nature of the ad. People thought he was soliciting porn news. I know he wants puppies, but one person thought he was illicitly advertising Dumbo the Elephant.”

 

Are those actually WINDOWS we’re seeing in Ed’s house? I was so caught in his worst possible imitation of Tony Manero trippin’ the light fantastic to “Disco Inferno” that I overlooked the Brubaker models. Talk about reform. No more Zeus-sent-a-lightning-bolt-worth-100,000-volts-up-Hercules-duodenum-because-he-angered-Hera-when-Hercules-refused-to-take-out-the-garbage-because-it-was-Poseidon’s-week. We can se the Milford skyline for once. Brubaker musta got some heads rollin’ off the Milford School Board. What happens when you got backbone. Windows rooted in reality become a dream come true.

“…Greg Brady and Eddie Haskell must write “I will not throw 2% milk cartons at the prairie-style windows” 1000 times and as far as I’m concerned, we’re square on his reinstatement. I still have to talk with The Skipper but rumors are floating around the lagoon that he thinks that’s a fair punishment…”

 

“Golly, Beaver, you dope. When Dad finds out you spilled a Bucket Banana Split all over Mr. Ballard’s Lucky Charms suit, you’re gonna get clobbered.”

 

TALK TO THE KIDS????????? What in tarnation is he talking about? All I’ve seen is his dining at Mel’s Diner when he’s not ordering the Big Breakfast (4 flapjacks, scrambled eggs, 55 sausage patties, 13 hash browns, gallon of orange juice, bowl of Chocolate Cream of Wheat, saucer of Uncle Ben’s Brown Rice in a saucer, Aunt Jemima Lo-Cal Syrup packets extra) at Denny’s or a chess board full of bowls of Lord-knows-what, we don’t know because Thorpiverse won’t open the damn things, the Baxendales are too busy arguing with Jaquan over his NBA career (Fried squid? Turnips on a shish kabob, over easy? Bucket o’ San Francisco-style Vanilla Mousse?) . Don’t tell me he’s going down to the Milford Boys Club.

“Yup, kiddos, we really whooped their asses. A good lesson to learn about life. If you set your mind to any goal and you have the right attitude, you can do it. My daughter is living proof.”

“Mr. Baxendale, wanna play air hockey with me?”

 

Ned, trust me, I fell out of my chair when I saw “The Sprinkler”. I had ideas flowing all morning long, even after my surgery (ha) , but I just let that one stand by itself. That was HILARIOUS. And the truth. A dangerous combo, My Friend.

 

“Did your loved one get ambushed by Indians and you’re not sure who to trust to be assured of a decent burial? Hi, this is Dr. Pearl here with Milford Funeral Solutions. When my first husband was involved in a massacre at Fort Sackville, George Rogers Clark had too much on his mind to be caught up in the affairs of the Pottawato

mies. My first husband just simply didn’t know about trade negotiations and next thing you know, he’s burning at the stake. Didn’t accept enough blankets from the tribe, I heard.

I had to act fast. His skeletal remains would be hangin’ on the tulip tree, Indiana’s state tree, were it not for the kind compassion shown by the good people at Milford Funeral Solutions. They showed me how they placed a sword over his body, while lying in state, all while embalming him with all kinds of ointments and creams. I only grabbed the yuk bucket twice and the breakfast buffet at Shoney’s was out of the question for me after the service but otherwise they showed why they were voted by Milford Today as the #1 funeral service in our fair city.

They had a chaplain in ASAP to officiate the service, not some student fresh from the Baptist Seminary in Dallas. I wasn’t about to let some Presbyterian Seminary brat majoring in Theology and Nicomachean Ethics lead the doxology nor the singing on songs like “Softly and Tenderly” or “Just As I Am.” The good people at Milford Funeral Solutions told me they only hired people with qualifications like George Beverly Shea to perform the service, including the closing prayer. Would you want Fred Flintstone to be uttering “In Jesus’ Name” at your father’s funeral? I thought not. My husband froze his ass off in the Wabash River one too many times to let Barney Rubble sing “Victory in Jesus” in the Special Music portion of the service.

Come to Milford Funeral Solutions today if someone in your family has died and you’d rather not leave him or her on the dining room table. I know I didn’t want to add new meaning to the song ‘On The Banks of the Wabash.’ My husband crossed the Rubicon and has never looked back. One day, I’ll join him, thanks to Milford Funeral Solutions, now accepting, BTW, American Express. One more amenity on the Stairway to Heaven.”

 

Gang, it’s your turn. Y’know, if Ed Baxendale would use shampoo more often, I bet that carpet-in-disguise he dons on his head wouldn’t itch so bad.

 

“…and Greg Brady will have to come to the altar at the Billy Graham Crusade later this month at the Milford Outdoor Amphitheater and make a profession of faith in Jesus and this time he can’t surrender to Muhammad as God’s Prophet the last time Mr. Graham came to town…”

 

 

“Yoouuuuuu rang?”

“Yeah, get in the car. Me and Morticia are going down to The Bucket. It’s half off  Bucket Fried Spider Legs night and I know how you eat ’em by the plateful.”

August 14, 2019

Not Janet’s Diner Again!?!

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Now we’ve left the
Milford School Board
For the diner
Named for Janet
Oh, I never
Really ate here
But my boyfriend
Recommends it

I’ve brought with me
Tiki Jansen
And my dad
Ed, and he said
I was terrific
So I hope he’ll
Maybe
Pick up the tab

My dad said I
Didn’t need him
But I needed
Local counsel
Member of the
Illinois Bar
But I’m not barred
Here in Milford

And I thought
That it was weird
The School Board brought
No lawyer
Even though it
Was informal
Who knew
They’d go pro se?

Tiki’s still scared
Of New Thayer
So he’d rather
Go to Milford
He will not be
A mere vagrant
He will
Stay with Leonard Fleming

And I took
No depositions
From Leonard
Or his family
When he blabbered
That the Mudlarks need him
His dad
Told him “Shut your mouth”

Then I went
Before Chet Ballard
And his puppets
On the School Board
And I showed them
Bolek’s film clip
But Chet
Ballard wasn’t biting

So I played the
Safety* card and
Then I brought up
Leonard Fleming
Then I spouted
Mumbo jumbo
And threw
Some pocket sand

Now my dad
Is looking pissy
Is he thinking
Of my boyfriend?
Should we go
Back to Chicago?
Then will he get
Off our backs…?

But now my phone is buzzing
And I’ve got a call
It’s that Ballard guy…

He’s come crawling back to us…
Thomas Jansen will be pleased

 

*(Tiki’s a safety, get it?)

August 13, 2019

If it were an official meeting, would they refer to him as Thomas?

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Suffice to say, Cicero she ain’t, but it was a nice try by the creative team to feature a strong female lead. That said, let’s go panel by panel…

P1: Bad touch, Hadley.

P2: Way to dis Milford academics, Hadley.

P3: Ed is pissed he had to put on a suit and tie and come all the way downtown just to be a prop.

Bonus questions:

What are those tomes in P1?

What is on the framed sign in P2?

Neither of Tiki’s parents attended this thing?

August 12, 2019

Chet

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I love these green suits on Ed Baxendale and Chet Ballard. Yes, we finally know Ballard’s first name. He’s Chet Ballard of Ballard Insurance and lime green suits are his thing.

Chet’s looking for an easy way out of this pickle. Since he’s apparently chummy with Ed (they share a haberdasher) he’s thinking maybe Ed can put a muzzle on his daughter. Geez, give it up Chet. You got caught doing your job poorly and now you’re just digging a deeper hole. Plus, we know from one of the other boring digressions of this summer plot that Ed has little sway over Hadley. (I’m still not sure what Ed is doing here.)

Chet’s suit color reminded me of the Plymouth Duster on the cover of The Cars Heartbeat City Album:

Cars-Heartbeat-City-1983-Cover-1

I just learned that this piece of art is called Art-O-Matic Loop Di Loop and it was created in 1972 by Peter Phillips.

 

 

 

August 10, 2019

“She told them to look not at the facts, but at the meaning of the facts. Then she said the facts had no meaning.”

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“Ladies and gentlemen, members of the school board, my dad, we’ve just heard from Mr. Ballard a rather lurid description of a truly despicable young man.”

“I had to hand it to her. She tossed a lot of sand in their eyes. She talked about how I’d lost my place in the universe. How I was too ordinary to be the perpetrator of fraud the school board made me out to be, how there was some greater scheme at work that the school district had yet to unravel… She told them to look at me, look at me close. That the closer they looked, the less sense it would all make.”

“Look closely at him. This human, this barber. Oops – wrong Tiki.”

“That I wasn’t the kind of guy to game the system, that I was the safety, for Christ’s sake. I was just like them, an ordinary man. Guilty of living in a school district that had no place for me, yeah. Guilty of wanting to be a Mudlark, sure. But not of fraud.”

“But most specifically, this is a safety’s dilemma. For he is modern man.”

“She said I was modern man.”

“He is your reflection.”

“And if they voted to keep me out of Milford, they’d be practically cinching the noose around their own necks. She told them to look not at the facts, but at the meaning of the facts. And then she said the facts had no meaning.”

Here’s hoping Hadley V. does a better job representing Tiki than Freddy did representing Ed.

August 9, 2019

…who also sleep on the floor…

Filed under: freak hands, Hadley V. Baxendale, Milford Alumni — robmize2013 @ 9:19 pm

Gonna cut to the chase– I watch The Peoples Court a lot. Been watching it for years. I remember Judge Wapner presiding for many years, before Ed Koch succeeded him, before he was mayor of New York City. Or was that after? Whatever. Nowadays its Marylyn Million who wears the black robe and instructs as well as entertains the audience in the nuances of law.

Well I remember very recently a case where an apartment tenant moved out without paying the full rent, and the landlord had not even supplied decent living quarters for them, and the judge ruled that since the apartment didnt even have electricity or running water, the tenant wasnt obliged to the landlord for the remainder of the rental fees.

So in this case we have a similar scenario, with the Jansens not meeting the basic requirements for “living” where they were, and thus, they didnt legally live there, and so the head of the school board is feeling he doesnt belong at Milford due to that. Obviously Ed has done his homework (where I dont know) as he chimes in about the simplicity of the Jansens place. Hadley then produces a paper stating Tiki has a host family, which, she thinks, will help her case.

But what if that family also lives in a barn? Now what, HVB??

August 8, 2019

“You’re A School Board Member Now. Take Your Finger Out Of Your Mouth.”

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, Hadley V. Baxendale, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 10:05 am

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Mr. Ballard is chasing Hadley Victrola all over Milford Towers because she’s getting more tips than Mr. Ballard. They jump out of the window, up on the ledge just out of the 82nd floor. Balancing their lives with their coin changer, Mr. Ballard has ol’ RCA Victrola trapped.

Suddenly, she remembers the Bugs Bunny cartoon she watched when she was a kid and Dad was away at a Rogaine Is Not Just For Men Under Seventy convention. She remembers Bugs being trapped on a similar ledge, this one on the ledge of the 73rd floor of the Milford General Finance Building. The ape was getting closer and closer, jealous that Bugs was getting all the coins thrown in his cup.

“Heeeyyyyyyyy, Mr. Ballard!!!!!!!! I got a trick. Watch this.”

She puts her finger in her mouth and begins to float off the ledge. She alights the ledge once again.

“You try it.”

Mr. Ballard is a little dodgy with the coin changer around his waistline and the beard most assuredly doesn’t help in trying to float. Try sticking your finger in your mouth while maneuvering through 1,295 Brillo pads around your chin and cheeks and you get the idea.

But he manages.

“WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! There you go, Mr. Ballard. You can see all of Milford, can’t you? Yeah, there’s the water tower over there, right behind the Spanish Inquisition. They’re terrorizing the conductor and the brakeman on the Milford & Oakwood!!!!!!!! Oh, you can see Milford High School? Where? Oh, by that Roadway turning left onto Main Street!!!!!!!!! I didn’t know Milford High School cafeteria had an account with them. The Roadway guy has Ho Ho’s on his dolly? And Wonder Bread Hot Dog Buns?  No, I  can’t say I see Gil’s hair. I didn’t know you could his Brylcreem for an airport beacon. Oh, he’s the one standing next to Bubba Joe Tilwell. Yeah, I understand he’ll be working with the defensive line. put some hair on their chests at those 7-on-7’s. Mr. Ballard, shame on you, you’re a big boy now, take your finger out of your mouth!!!!!!!!!!!!”

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-SPLATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

 

To the lovely driver, Kentucky license plate # 852 XHV, who was driving in New Albany, Indiana 50 feet the wrong way and endangering the lives of those coming TOWARDS him because the driver was too lazy to drive around the block because 2 minutes of the driver’s time was evidently too much, hazarding a guess that he had to pick up his son at the 7-on-7 scrimmage and get to the Milford Barber Shoppe before it closed

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Traffic Stopped For Hours After Man Falls From The 73rd Floor Of Milford General Finance And Crashes On Top Of A Buick Skylark Backing Out Of Loading Dock The Wrong Way!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Witnesses confirm it was Mr. Ballard, the insurance agent. He could not re-insert valve stem in mouth in time to prevent landing on the cantaloupe grinds in the trunk.”

 

“Upon further review, the School Board has announced a reversal of the call and that Tiki Jansen will enroll at Milford High School in the Fall, pending mandatory flu shots and rabies injections at Milford Apothecary.”

Yup, the video said it all. They had to use pliers to finally pry Mr. Ballards index finger away from his bicuspid but it appears justice will be served or is headed in that direction. Miss Hathaway and Marcia Brady will only rubber-stamp that notion.

There are other issues to address now that Tiki will not have to live in Mammoth Cave (we’re assuming) while taking 18th-Century French Prose at Milford High (be true to your school, Tiki, attaway) .

For example, Miss Hathaway will be required to use Pond’s Rejuveness Anti-aging Anti-wrinkle Anti-Tiki Cold Cream in the 7 oz. jar to remove the Folger’s stain on her right cheek. The cold cream also does wonders in fixing the acute angles on her cheekbones so that Miss Hathaway doesn’t go to dinner at the Clampett’s later that evening looking like one of The Three Musicians. Picasso in a doctor’s office is nice decor; looking at Picasso swallowing chicken gizzards and downing it with moonshine at the Clampett’s dinner table is a horse of a different color. And cover your mouth, Miss Hathaway. Eating mashed taters with your jaw chewing in obsidian proportions is a little nauseating. I know I’d pass on a second helping of Leg of Lamb And Bucket o’ Shrimp Flambe.

And Marcia Brady will have to punch back in at Milford Audi. The owner wasn’t crazy about giving Marcia the time off during Inventory Clearance Event. So what if some punk kid was mired in the middle of bureaucratic pettiness? According to the owner, if the President of Milford Swimming Pool Supply drives out of the lot with a ’07 with barely 125,000 because the Little Old Lady from Milford only drove it on Saturday to hold the sign that said “New Thayer Sucks!!!!!!!” or “Oakwood Only Has 7 Legitimate Children On The Field!!!!!!!!!!” at Mudlark football games, then Tiki can sleep on a park bench that Gil and Mimi pass by when jogging. Shut the damn VCR off and get your ass back on the sales floor, Marcia.

And it’s a beautiful day. Usually, when it’s storming the streak in the window resembles someone’s drawing pencil gone a tad awry on vellum paper. Not today. New Madrid Fault City. Only thing missing is the earthquake but Tiki already took the steamboat down the Mississippi with Mr. Twain and his entourage to enroll at Milford. The Richter Scale has left the barn, just past Cairo.

 

If ya got yore finger up yore ass cuz ya fergot to buy some toilet tissue at Milford Convenient Mart even tho ya got plenty a’ Polish sausage on a bun, with pickles and relish, not ta mention a hefty helpin’ of Mudlark-style mustard, plus 2 bags a Lays Tater Chips in th’ 3 pound containers, Bar-B-Q and Cream Dill Pickle plus 34 3-Liter bottles a’ Mudlar-K-Cola Lemon Lime that’ll cause ya to burp up videos of Tiki when he was in diapers or takin’ his first baby steps at the Fleming’s household, ya might be a redneck.

 

And how does Mr. Ballard KNOW these yahoos have graduated? Mr. Ballard, take your finger out of your butt. If you can substantiate evidence that the administrative staff at New Thayer High School sent their transcripts to you when the UPS truck pulled up in your driveway to deliver that and Avon perfume bottles and booklets to your wife, then OK, I’ll take my Avon Shampoo and rub the Kiwi Fruit gel all over my hair and like it.

Otherwise, you have some explaining to do. How did you KNOW they graduated? Did you attend their Commencement? Watch them throw their graduation caps in the air? Listen to one of them give the Valedictorian Address?

“Fellow New Thayerians, if you want to prepare for the Game of Life, don’t be like my friends who turned out to be the Pharaohs in ‘American Graffiti’ and played the Jimmy Dean Fast-Track pinball machine all day at Milford Arcade. They may have racked up the points for several hours but the quarter they inserted in the slot could only beep off the bumpers for so long. Eventually, Game Over.”

The next day

“Oh, Tiki, Bugs Meany gave a very moving address. Said he regretted beating the shit out of Encyclopedia and will make restitution by joining the Peace Corps.”

And as long as we’re performing this Kitchen Cabinet meeting in the Office of the Mayor with the Official Seal of the City of Milford behind Mr. Ballard  displayed yesterday, I  might as well compliment the janitor who managed to mount “Still Life at Mudlark Lake” on the wall behind Hadley Venom. Raphael must have taken hours with the watercolors to paint all the wildlife and whatnot in 16th-century Milford.

P2-“Sorry, Mr. Ballard, I applied too much Vidal Sassoon this morning on my white streak. The flies are attracted to the foam. My dad uses some on his head and face to keep his eyebrows from falling off. Now about that Writ of Mandamus.”

 

At the Milford Marriott one day

KLLLLLLUUUNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKK

“OMIGODDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Someone fell from the 15th floor and crushed my hamstrings!!!!!!!!!!!! Call The Shark!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Hi, I’m Joe Sharkey at Sharkey Law Office. When you’re on the go and someone chases poor defenseless Bugs Bunny on a high rise because he was jealous of Bugs’ carrot intake and subsequently smashes your windshield, you need legal help to cover the cost of the resulting damages. Let’s face it, there’s no way you can return to work and tape gun packages and send them down the line to load on the truck when you’re missing your ankles. You need compensation and you need it fast.”

“I understand he ran an insurance agency in the ground because of poor decisions such as this one. He needed to keep his finger in his mouth but when Bugs Bunny asked Mr. Ballard about a Homeowners Policy, Mr. Ballard forgot to step back inside the room. Talking about Crab Grass Coverage got the better of him. But The Shark made him pay. Thanks, Shark, I got a generous settlement and Mr. Ballard is banned from the second floor and up at Marriotts all over the country. He can’t even use the elevator.”

“You heard the man. Even insurance agents need to know where to float and when they don’t, the consequences are brutal. But find out for yourself. Use a Q-Tip instead of your ring finger and call 1-FON-THe-JAWS today to see if The Shark can help you get out of Tape Gun Hell and on to the road to financial compensation. One call, that’s all.”

 

Special edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Ballard Lands On O.J.’s VW Jetta After Falling From Mayor’s Office!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Next time, I’ll take the freeway. The dude ruined the chassis on the vehicle.”

 

And P3 is interesting

“My dad is here to make sure they’ll be no more more body snatchers coming out of New Thayer. You know how they breed in that town.”

Hadley Venus, I’ll be looking out for any plant pods with abnormal growths, particularly ones the size of a Lyft automobile. I’ll be bringing my scanner when I’m talking a walk around the football practice field. Can never be too careful.

 

“We’ll be back in a moment when Judge Wapner comes out of his chamber and renders a decision on Tiki Jansen vs. Topeka. I’m Doug Llewellyn for The People’s Court here in WDIG-TV.”

 

“Whew, all this finger-pointing back and forth and a few stuck in their tonsils makes me kinda thirsty, doesn’t it you? If you could use a cold one, head on down to Milford Beverage Warehouse when you’re through picking your teeth.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp. When you need to leave your attitude at the door and your fingers in your pocket and not in your dentures, The Warehouse will help you along with these bargain burners. How ’bout Cook’s Champagne at an unbelievable $5.99. Perfect when you’ve shaken hands and called a truce and said Tommy can attend Milford but will need a cane to walk the hallways so he doesn’t run into Ms. Rizk’s typewriter. Hey, this Bud’s for you,. Tommy, even if you are deaf, dumb, and blind.

How ’bout Jim Beam Black, straight from the barrels, at a ridiculous $18.99, chaser included? Let’s face it, when you take your finger out of your ass and fall several stories like that gorilla in a Bugs Bunny cartoon, you need to be feelin’ no pain. Just give me the shot glass and La La Land, here I come.

And because we have gotten an OVERWHELMING response, The Warehouse has an exciting promo on tap. That’s right, if you can stand taller than Wink Martindale’s hair, the cardboard cut-out standing by the Wrigley’s Spearmint Gum rack at Register #2, you will get a free brewskie of Natural Light Ice plus you can enter in the drawing for a chance to win a paid vacation for 2 to Milford Valley Vineyards B & B. Wow, I wish Mimi and I could go on our honeymoon again and take a tour of the farm, plus indulge in the activities in store for 3 days, including a wine-tasting orgy at dinner and riding the Wild Mouse through the Red Grape section of the farm.

And if you don’t quite measure up, not to worry. If you can stand taller than the Willy Wonka midget cut-out posing next to Wink, you will get a free shot of Heaven Hill Vodka and a bag of Grippo’s Bar-B-Q Chips plus you can enter in the drawing for a chance to win a tour of Milford Brewery. That also sounds exciting. I can take the kids to that one. I’d love for Keri and Jaime to learn how Seagram’s 7 Crown Whiskey is made, from the barley weed straight to the bottle. And them drink it legally? I’m just as good as the ticket in the hat.

Now I’ve heard a few pricks complain about the unfairness of the contest. It’s not their fault they couldn’t surpass Wink’s scalp, dandruff included. All I can say is that’s why you needed to eat your vegetables growing up when you were slurping your Bud. It wasn’t going to kill you to scrape up the last bit of fried okra when you were washing it down with a Miller Genuine Draft. Look what it did to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. The man’s a Hall-of-Famer. ’nuff said.

“Head on down for all the fun and get some great deals while you’re at it. Standing next to Wink with your 18-Pack of Coors in a selfie? Sounds like a winner to me. Get your slice of The Good Life and Wink’s persona and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, it’s your turn. Excuswe me, I gotta go. I have to go to Judge Judy and see whether I have to pay the damages on Gil’s hair. I swear, I thought it was a wasp’s nest. i wouldn’t have used so much Raid.

“…my decision goes to Tiki Jansen.”

“Well, congratulations, Tiki? What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to use that $4,674,693,034 that The Shark got for me and buy some new cleats. My other ones have holes in them. Milford Athletic Foot Emporium is running a sale this week. Excuse me, gotta cut out before they close.”

“No problem, Tiki. Well, that wraps another edition of The People’s Court. This is Doug Llewellyn reminding you, that if you have you have smelly fingers because you are up in arms about what your neighbor did to your lawn mower, for gosh sakes, don’t take matters in your own hands and use your riding mower to shave off his beard. Take it to court.”

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