This Week in Milford

June 13, 2022

Ggerg’s Impressive Feature

Filed under: actual action, baseball, Gil Thorp, Heather Burns, High Five Fail — nedryerson @ 3:25 pm

We’re in a real wash rinse repeat situation with Reggg Mahm. We’re at another one of his starts, skipping right past any other starts. How many games are the Mudlarks playing this season? Do we figure this out by multiplying Hamm starts by the number of players in the Milford rotation (which is unknown also, so forget it…we just play until Rubin gets bored or remembers that it’s summer). At least someone else on the team gets credit for something. It’s RF Nomar Ramos launching bombs. Good job Nomar, now scurry away and make room for the Reggg Mahm Show….and here’s your host, Heather Burns. Heather lost the Milford Starr’s legacy video camera so it’s back to paper and pencil.

So, Erggg, tell us a little about yourself. Who is your daddy and what does he do?

May 2, 2022

They Shoot Video, Don’t They?

Filed under: actual action, baseball, Brown Hair, Colorist Error, Heather Burns — nedryerson @ 3:44 pm

So, what have we got going on today? It’s still Heather Burns inexplicably shooting video for the Milford Star. That’s right. This dying media enterprise that dumped Marjie Ducey’s salary to hire this dolt is trying to stay relevant by putting video on its website. It’s also diluting it’s all ready craptastic prep sports coverage by replacing garbage reporting with a shaky video of people in the stands? Notice that Heather isn’t using a tripod and she’s holding that “beast” out in front of her. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Visitors to the Milford Star website have been clamoring for this kind of content. If you can’t get a video of a kid sitting in a tree*, the next best thing is randos watching the Mudlarks!

Oh, yeah, there’s a baseball game going on and Gonzalo Aceves is throttling Central. I assume panel 2 indicates that Central batters can only manage weak grounders against Gonzo’s dazzling stuff. Huzzah!

Of course, all this is mostly in service of our A plot, the mysterious Mr. Hamm, who is camera shy for some undisclosed reason. Ruth Hamm is even throwing herself in front of Ol’ Hamm to shield him just in case Heather manages to get a clear, in focus shot of the mysterious bastard. Ruth Hamm may be so afraid of being identified that she changed her hair color since the last game.

*Kid stuck in tree refers to a strip from many years ago where the storyline was about this kid Andrew Gregory who was running around Milford taking videos of exciting things (like a kid sitting in a tree) and selling them to the Star. I was going to try and embed the images from Jason’s posts back in 2008 as it might be more dynamic than just linking back to the posts, but it’s an ordeal to scroll back through fourteen years’ worth of images used in this blog. Links will have to suffice. I think Andrew had a better camera than whatever relic Heather found down at the Star.

April 30, 2022

Marjie Ducey Never Lugged a Monster Camcorder Around. Neither Should You.

If you told me today’s strip had been written and drawn twenty years ago and fished out of a drawer for today, I wouldn’t have been surprised. Wonder what was going on in Milford twenty years ago today? I don’t even think this blog had been started yet.

April 30, 2002

Well whaddaya know, Milford was playing Central then too. The laws of gravity weren’t quite as rigid then as now. Okay, what about ten years ago, then? Well thankfully TWIM was in existence, and we were getting to know young Scooter Borden Jaxxxon Kiser.

Back to the present day and still trying to figure out this nonsense. Amazed to find out there’s an online version of the Star, and that it has employees who are dedicated to capturing video for that online version. That’s probably a lie the editor-in-chief told Heather to cover up the fact that it’s not only payroll but also headcount that’s been slashed since Marjie’s retirement. Probably told her this dinosaur of a camcorder was state-of-the-art, too. How naive is she to think that the “beast” takes better videos than today’s smartphones?

Naive enough to know that the only VHS player in town belongs to the Milford High Athletic Department. Between her and Kaz, they’ll go to the videotape and discover the little ruse G-Hammm, Scooter and Wilson have going on. That’s the only way this strip of anachronistic non sequiturs has any relevance to the plot.

meta: Thanks to tdrew for covering for me on Thursday. I owe you one.

April 6, 2022

Next Stop: Donut Town. Population: Two.

That box o’ donuts Heather brought Gil yesterday looked like it came from Donut Town. Wonder if Guy Fieri ever stopped in there? Marjie never brought Gil donuts. She never sat that close to Gil, either. No way they’re not playing footsie or more under the desk. Look at those enormous mitts on Heather; they’re as big as Gil’s. No wonder Gil put her in at tight end.

Aren’t you glad the last couple days of incoherence got settled? Wilson Henry is the catcher. Gregg Hamm is one of the pitchers. As for the rest of Neal’s friends on the Mudlark roster, where have we seen them before?

Gonzalo “Gonzo” Aceves, Dallas George and Curtis Charles return from last season. So, for that matter, do Morton Levi (who was a relief pitcher last season), Eldrick Boston, the aforementioned Wilson Henry and “Blowtop” Chance Macy, who has been around since forever. Go to Canada already! Nomar Ramos played basketball this past season, and Steve Lehto played football. Second base is our midweek cliffhanger.

Zane Clark has graduated. Wonder if he’s still on the library board.

In any event, a veteran roster, one with experience in underachieving. Time to sit back and watch the underachieving unfold. Pass me a donut, willya?

March 12, 2022

Even a Broken Coach Is Right Twice a Day

Filed under: basketball, Brown Hair, Heather Burns, High Five Fail, Madison Time, Mimi Thorp — teenchy @ 2:59 pm

Today’s post title originally had something to do with hogs or squirrels, but I was informed that using that language is considered ableist. Suffice it to say that Mimi got lucky in Madison when Hollis stepped up and into the guard slot with some success. So what if some of her teammates are yapping about her cutting in on someone else’s playing time? That’s part of Mimi’s job – not the job of some first-year zoomie-in-waiting – to nip dissension in the ranks in the bud.

Besides lucky Mimi, everyone else in today’s strip appears to be some kind of rando. These two Lady Mudlarks in the foreground aren’t any we’ve been introduced to by name. They don’t seem too pissy about Hollis’ playing time or lack thereof; they just seem happy to have beaten Madison, even if their handclasp/high five/whatever seems a bit awkward.

This dark blonde/light brown-haired woman Mimi’s chatting to about Hollis’ game: gotta be Heather Burns, right? Who else would give a rat’s about how Hollis played and, what’s more, who else would Mimi give a rat’s to share her thoughts on Hollis’ game with? Hollis’ mom?

Not much else to add today since this is sort of an anti-cliffhanger. Nice set of posts by my fellow bloggers and nice, insightful comments by you gentle readers this week. Hope your team gets selected on Selection Sunday tomorrow. If not, hope they get selected for the NIT. If not, hope they find a decent replacement for their canned coach (at least that’s what I’m hoping).

January 22, 2022

Tell It Like It is Saturday

Today’s strip features two characters hearing things about themselves they don’t really want to hear. But before we dive into today’s story and tacking onto robmize’s comment about fishwrap, I just gotta ask: has the Milford Star always been a tabloid? If so, then some things start making sense.

Not far away and across a river from where I live lies Mercer County, New Jersey, home to the state capital Trenton and served by two newspapers: The Times and The Trentonian. How such a small market can sustain two papers in this day and age is remarkable, but the answer is straightforward: while The Times played it straight offering Washington Post-style reporting, The Trentonian played it yellow and offered Page 6 Girls, bikini-clad, PG-13 versions of The Sun‘s Page 3 Girls. The Trentonian also gave Ernie Kovacs a regular column, so I guess it had that going for it. Maybe, then, there’s another newspaper in Milford and/or the Valley that plays it straight.

Tabloid news is designed to get a rise out of its readers, and in Milford it’s no different. Cathy is so upset by Heather Burns’ Lady Mudlark hit piece that Hollis had to console her by quoting The Dude swapping blouses. It’s what a good captain does. (Okay, you tell me how they ended up in each other’s shirt, then.) For her sake, Cathy had better never find out that Heather was just paraphrasing something Mimi told her. Tough for the little snitch to learn that the Lady Mudlarks’ early struggles may lie with her and not with the two players she ratted on for not attending the non-mandatory post-practice practice.

Smash cut to the halls of Milford High School, home of lockers big enough to qualify as studio apartments in Manhattan. (Steve Luhm’s beat it back from Casa Talley quickly enough to get both floors squeaky clean.) Trevor Lawrence is the first of Pranit Hollywood’s teammates to throw his little gambling scheme back in his face, but it doesn’t stop Pranit from bragging about his success. Of course he’s successful now; that’s how the house sucks you in.

December 18, 2021

Talley Up the Votes

Time for this season’s Mouseketeer Roll Call, Lady Mudlarks version, and with it comes the changing of the guard. No, I don’t mean Corina Karenna, though that’s how that’s supposed to work. It’s the changing of the guard at the Milford Star and, frankly, Mimi doesn’t know how to handle it.

Instead of talking to a peer in Marjie Ducey, Mimi now has to rattle off her roster to Heather Burns, who roamed the halls of Milford only five seasons previous, and her ever-present smartphone. Look how Mimi can’t make eye contact with Heather. Look how thick Mimi’s mustache is getting. Look at how manly her hands have become. (Then again, she’s always been as manly as Gil, so there ya go.) The players stay the same age, the reporters get younger, but the coach does neither.

Her youth and her backcourt gone, Mimi tires to convince herself that her bigs will save the day. Cressa Baxter did her part last season but what about the other two? Landry Carlson has been a fixture in Milford softball for the past couple of seasons but has never been called out on the hardwood, and where was Hollis “Zoomie” Talley until this past week? Spending her free time with the Civil Air Patrol?

Maybe she’s just relieved to be rid of Corina and Tessi “No Defense” Milton. Without them, there’s less likelihood of dissent among the team… that is, until they try to pick a captain. This should devolve as quickly as that whole TCFS debacle from a couple of softball seasons ago. I might’ve missed this before, but did the Lady Mudlarks always vote on a captain or did Mimi pick them? How did your high school teams select captains, TWIMers? Talk amongst yourselves.

December 6, 2021

Aww. It’s Snot Over

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Heather Burns, Valley Tech, Walking and Talking — nedryerson @ 4:38 am

Looks like we’re sticking with this fall plot until we get a satisfying conclusion. (Ha ha ha. I think I just hurt myself.) We have walking, talking semi-shadowed Tevin and friend interrogating the definition of snot-pounding. Yes, this is exactly the kind of gold that this plot has been giving us that makes it impossible to leave now! Somebody said it standing on top of a table in the cafeteria, so I guess that makes it law. We shall see a snot-pounding. It has be decreed.

Hey, look, it’s Heather Burns! Remember how she was going to revolutionize how Milford sports were covered with he trusty Twitter account? No? Well she was going to cover Milford sports one way or another except we never saw much evidence of that actually occurring. Her she is in Gil’s office in some sort of journalistic mode. Oh no, she’s already falling into the habit of setting Gil up for acerbic comebacks. Oh Heather, of course Gil does actually know how many times in a row Milford has beaten Valley Tech, but it’s Coaching 101 to never dwell on anything in the past and only talk about the next game. Careful Heather, you’re already veering into Marty Moon territory and this will displease Gil.

Gil still has a bunch of bound books in his office sitting on that file cabinet. They look phony though, like someone used the bindings of old volumes to build a false “wall of books”. It looks to be about big enough to conceal four or five bottles of hooch.

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