This Week in Milford

August 5, 2020

Corina Karenna Will Have None of Your Mansplaining

Filed under: baseball, Gil Thorp, hideous scar faces, Milford Alumni, Pissy faced Gil — teenchy @ 8:35 am

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Well butter my ass and call me a biscuit. Rubin has given Corina a bit of a backbone in today’s strip. You think he’s finally been paying attention to all our comments about his numerous Bechdel test fails and his killing off of practically the only strong female character he’d created in ages? Yeah, me neither.

Still, I’m gonna enjoy her dissmissing Gil for as long as it happens. I’d also enjoy it if she blew off True and told him to just tell her what’s coming and throw the damn ball. She’s here to catch, not learn whatever signs he’s making up for the day. Besides, isn’t it the catcher’s job to put down the signs and the pitcher’s to just nod or shake his head then pitch? True can brush his chest as much as he wants to as long as he doesn’t brush Corina’s.

Oh, who am I kidding? Corina’s probably getting set up as another spunky, short-haired love interest for True. Let’s just hope she doesn’t end up driving a Jeep Compass. BTW, take a gander at P3 in that last hyperlink. Looks like True did remember where his future was, contrary to Gil’s advice. Mr. Coach Thorp needs to stagger back to the MCC and maintain his buzz while he pretends to show grammar school kids how to swing a golf club.

June 6, 2020

You’re Killin’ Me, Schuring!

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In the crapfest that has been this spring arc, finally a strip that delivers. Major hallmarks of a classic (and I use that term very loosely) Rubin & Whigham Gil Thorp are present: walking and talking, Milford High’s Prairie Style windows, wildly gesticulating hands, and a preachy, sarcastic Gil (let’s face it, sarcastic Gil is best Gil) getting to play the voice of reason.

Interesting that Gilberto is all about the liability today. Has he been on the horn to Hadley V. Baxendale lately? Couldn’t have been to the Knappes’ weaksauce lawyer. He is, however, well versed in the absurd. Let’s recap a bit of what’s gone on under his watch over the past year:

Said Hadley browbeat the school board into enrolling a kid who doesn’t live in the district.

A member of said browbeaten school board, having failed to keep the kid out of Milford, redirects his energy to a smear campaign against another player in an effort to win his stepson’s love and some playing time. That campaign turned on said school board member improperly accessing the other player’s school records. Granted, said school board member got the boot, but how was he able to get access to begin with?

As part of a strategy to improve her offensive output on the basketball court, a let basketball center is allowed to shove other students around in the library and hallways without consequence either to her or to the kids who suggested she do so.

Meanwhile, a miscreant student harboring an old grudge tries to railroad the two best students in the senior class with the old “give ’em a copy of the old exam” trick. It fails, with only minor consequences for the miscreant.

That brings us to Butterknifegate and the present situation. Gil’s a cog in the wheel of the system when he wants to be, or can’t be bothered otherwise. Let’s not dwell on how this idiocy is to be resolved; rather, let’s just pause for a moment to soak in the details and appreciate them at face value. BTW Gil, we hear there’s always a party at your house while you’re on the road. Ever notice that the Milford boys’ and girls’ teams never travel together? Yeah, so has Mimi.

June 3, 2020

It Helps If You Chant “MEAN MACHINE” While You Read This

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Once again Neal Rubin has driven the Milford High Activity Bus off the road and into the ditch. What was being set up as some kind of indictment of school zero-tolerance policies has morphed into some weird-ass pickup game challenge that’s equal parts The Sandlot and The Longest Yard. As farfetched as it is I have a hunch it will come to pass, since Gil’s Mudlarks will probably miss the playdowns as per usual.

This comes off as more ego gratification for the walking ego that is Mike Knappe, but I’m picking up broad hints that there’s a bigger message being sent here: don’t fight the system, accept the hand you’re dealt, and when life gives you lemons, suck on them. Not the best of timing there.

I’m sure Rubin’s got his reasons for going down this path but unlike the Caretaker, I ain’t got eight years to hear them.

May 20, 2020

“Pardon My Funk” Is…

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a) The title of a lost George Clinton album

b) The tag line for an Old Spice deodorant ad campaign

c) An awkward way to rebut your handsy, unhelpful ex-coach’s unsolicited advice

Seriously, Mike needs to tell Gil to:

 

Gil’s rebuttal takes its own funky form, in so many words:

 

This is inspiring? And what’s with the sudden exposition that Mike already had a college acceptance in the bag? Gil’s little visit just became even more unnecessary.

Now move along, Captain Obvious, and let Mike walk off into the sunset by… wait, what? There’s still a good month and a half left in the spring arc. There’s still baseball left to play. Softball, too. Remember, it was Lady Mudlark success that led The Mayor to a life of crime. Come on, Rubin! Less Mary Worth, more Jayson Werth, IYKWIMAITYD.

May 14, 2020

Kids Flash Guitars Just Like #2 Pencils.

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Gang, you’re gonna hate me but I had to insert another Springsteen dig, given the situation. Really, if that dude in P1 is threatening me with a welder’s pencil the way he would advertise Ban Roll-On Unscented or the present writing weapon on the screen, ain’t no way I’m not giving him all my lunch money. Just leave some change so I can purchase a Ho Ho. Energy food for afternoon Physics Lab.

Teenchy brought up yesterday breaking the Fourth Estate. If that Che Guevara wannabe isn’t looking through me as if I wasn’t there, he must be targeting some CIA agent out of the movie Topaz. Hitchcock comes to Milford, what a treat. Does Gil play one of the spies from the Commie side lying his way out of a paper bag? Par for the course. But do that for the OTHER side, Thorp, not while you’re flashing that MTV logo on your shirt like switchblades. And to think, The Mayor could get exonerated if that CIA agent can get on Cuban Airlines and wind up at Milford International with those photos he took of Bahia de los Cochinos or Bay of Pigs, if you need it translated in Gilspeak.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Scares Off Burglar At His Condo With His Guitar He Received At Easter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“That punk took one look at my Barney Kessel Signature Gibson Special and he ran off towards the woods.”

 

Uh oh, looks like Thorpiverse is fomenting a rebellion in the hallways of Milford High School. Anytime you have Jiffy Pop Head’s brother and the ’70’s Burger King kid blindly devoted to a kid who threatens anybody who dares cross his path to the foreign language lab and brandishes the Papermate to show that he means business, you know La Revolucion del Mundo is just a Dr. Pearl perm away from going full bore. Can’t wait for the sequel.

 

If ya use a Flair Highlighter Yella ta poke out an 8-point’s eyeball during bow season, then use the same implement ta wipe yore butt in the gulley so that ya keep it proper, ya might be a redneck.

 

You old-timers can relate. It was that kid who said everything twice to apparently drive home the point that Whoppers were better than Big Mac’s. So the kid would say

“Double the meat

Double the meat”

 

“Great to eat

Great to eat”

 

“Zebras do better in bed than Gil

Zebras do better in bed than Gil”

 

As Bugs Bunny used to say, this means war. Boy o boy, The 4-Eyed Doppelganger Kid,  a kid whose related to Orville Redenbacher through his hairline, Elmer Fudd (gotta have the shotgun to hunt wabbits, Dr. Pearl, and the District Board, the latter two a little more difficult to hunt because neither live in wabbit holes) , Yosemite Sam, Foghorn Leghorn, the Jets and the Sharks (“We’re gonna get her toniiiiiggghhhhhhtttttt”) , Sylvester and Tweety Bird and The Man Who Loved Pencil Dancing all engaged, ready for war. As Patton said once “God,  I love a battle”.

 

“But you play a shitty schedule

But you play a shitty schedule”

 

“Gil, how long are you going to be involved with Milford Big Brothers Program?”

 

And one more thing. Is that a map of Antarctica in the background? Boy, this strip is full of imagination in terms of background material. Nothing is more comforting than to watch General George Patton and General Omar Bradley map out strategy on how to overtake Messina when you already have Antarctica in the bag.

 

So let’s revamp Patton’s pep talk at the beginning of the movie and see if we can get a little inspiration

“…and another thing, if we’re going to attack the enemy, I don’t want any asshole dying for his or her high school. Let that ignorant whore and her District Board die for their own high school. We are Mudlarks and we will engage in battle, ready to kill. We will not be like Gil who sided with the Germans and started their own high school because he wouldn’t do any coaching. Personally, I’d piss on his shuffleboard in the gym because he was involved in a tournament with the Third Reich. Let me tell you, I never admired a Mudlark who lost and laughed. Gil can do that at the Dart Round Robin in Munich with those Austrian Fascists at some tavern around Oktoberfest. We are Americans. We are Mudlarks. Anything else and you can have your curlers done and sit with Dr. Pearl while that Commie bastard turns on her country and has her nails done. We will give the Germans and the District Board a lesson they will never forget. Their flag will burn for all eternity and Gil will coach in Milford Optimist League where his mental stature is better suited. That is all.”

 

And the conflict is beginning to heat up. Marcia, Jan, and Cindy have gotten in on the act and anything involving The Brady Bunch and you better have the right stuff. I don’t really know how they’re going to organize the walkout but when they threatened that stuff on the show, we never saw it either. We just assumed Marcia was telling the truth when she said that Dr. Pearl backed down after Marcia called her a miserable flippant bitch and would have to face Hadley V. if Dr. Pearl continued her pursuit on the matter. I always loved it when Greg Brady was playing, say, baseball and they would show a few scenes then later Greg and family would enter the kitchen and talk about his game like it was the Yankees winning it all in ’56. So when you see a few esoteric scenes of Hadley V. and the District Board throwing grenades at each other, just let your mind run wild when Jan, Marcia, Cindy speaking of the affair like it was The Battle of the Bulge. Sure, Jan, Eisenhower sent his whole damn ETO operation into the District Board meeting to reinstate The Mayor. There were tanks all around the building. The Germans and Dr. Pearl never stood a chance. Oh, and you kissed Ike on the head on V-Day, Marcia. Darn, it’s a crying shame The Brady Bunch was only a half hour long. I would have loved for you to expand on this love shack.

And how do you organize a protest like this? If Jan, Marcia, and Cindy sit on the railroad tracks of the Milford & Oakwood Express, I’d say we’re carrying the issue a bit to the extreme. Block the way to the barber shop where Gil cuts his hair? Well, it’s for a good cause anyway.

 

At the Milford High School cafeteria at 6:15AM

 

“Cafeteria’s closed. Don’t let anyone in after 6:00AM. We’ll have them fighting like students. Dr. Pearl won’t know what hit her.”

“Yes sir.”

“Oh, and by the way, helmets are mandatory from now on.”

“We don’t wear helmets, General.”

“Start.”

“It’s hard to wear over our hair nets.”

“Then cut two holes and use hair sanitizer. C’mon, Bradley, let’s see what those ignorant German bastards did in the art department.”

 

“He used Kingsford Charcoal on his face and lit a match

He used Kingsford Charcoal on his face and lit a match”

“Now, Son, be nice. That’s not how we treat our guest. Offer him some Zippo Lighter Fluid and open the conversation.”

 

Will somebody in the Milford High School Art class quit drawing disgusted students with the system displaying disfigured faces? Yes, we know The Mayor is pretty friggin’ disillusioned with the system right now but it isn’t necessary to draw the dude straight out of Mask. Does this mean the more injustice that gets heaped on him, the uglier he gets? If this District Policy is allowed to drag along, we could have his face in Towering Inferno mode with his jaw several feet below Death Valley. A frown and a few surly comments will drive home the message.

And I love it that Mrs. Krappy mentioned the lawyer is a “she”. Uh oh. Hadley V. could be coming back now that JaQuan is on hiatus. Well, sure, Hadley V. calling Dr. Pearl Granny Clampett who soaks her dentures in chicken gizzards is better than Hadley V. with her spectacles up her butt with nothing to do. God, I’d hate to replace a draggy plotline with another of equal caliber but this Rent-a-Lawyer-for-Random-Plot may prove tiresome. I don’t want nobody pulling the switch on The Mayor when he’s in the chair either but Thorpiverse’s imagination appears to be confined to Baxendale’s air-conditioned office. Oh, I forgot, air-conditioning isn’t District Policy. We have a plot. Problem solved.

 

“…get these players out on the field. We won’t have the City of Milford subsidizing yellow-bellied cowards and-Soldier, what’s your problem?”

“Nerves, sir. I just can’t take it anymore. When I see The Mayor in a world of hurt, I just lose it…”

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU’RE GOING TO WUSS OUT IN FRONT OF THE DISTRICT BOARD AT THIS MOST CRITICAL TIME???? I OUGHTA SEND YOU TO THE FIRING LINE AND HAVE ROMMEL SHOOT YOUR YELLOW-BELLIED ASS!!!!!!!!!!!! GENERAL BRADLEY, WHAT’S THIS SOLDIER’S NAME????

“Private First Class Gilberto Thorp, George.”

 

“And we’ll be back for the exciting conclusion of Patton where Gil jumps over to General Montgomery’s command after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

“Honnnnnnneeyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyy. It’s time to come to beddyyyyyyyyy-bbbyyyyyy.”

Coach Shaw playing “Todd Rundgren’s Utopia” while the den is dead-bolted

“I can’t, Honey. The Mayor of Milford has issued a limited-contact order and to be wearing a mask at all times to practice social distance during the COVID-19 pandemic.”

“Lovey-Dovey, you just got a clean bill of health from the doctor this week.”

“Bloopy-doopy-doo, I won’t screw, you can never be too careful. My whim whim has a mask around it to ward off against the virus. One cell in my pecker and I’ll be down with The Plague.”

“Honeyyyyyyyyy, open the door, use a switchblade on your peenie covering and come on down and do what ya gotta do. You won’t get sick from being a man.”

“Sugar, Sugar, ahhh, Honey, Honey, the angel of the Lord just declared my pecker wasn’t worth a thing, the galaxy is null and void and so is sex.”

“Lovey-Dovey, that’s not ‘Utopia’, that’s Rundgren’s ‘Hermit of Mink Hollow’. And you’re going to be a hermit if you don’t pry open this deadbolt and get it on in the morning.”

 

When she knew Todd Rundgren’s discography better than me, it was time to take a chance that I wasn’t going to get hit with Venereal Disaese or COVID-19 and come down to Milford Men’s Clinic. With proven treatment programs and proper medications, the Clinic won’t leave you sore. Isn’t it time you said ‘Hello, It’s Me’ to your wife and really mean it? Come down to Milford Men’s Clinic and ‘See the Light.'”

 

Thanks for all you do, Gang. Now if you’ll clean that ash tray that contains part of The Mayor’s face, we’ll call it even.

 

In Dr. Pearl’s office one day talking to General Patton after she just filed away The Allies Attack On Napoli Report-1944

“George, I see you have a copy of the Milford High School Student Manual-1995.”

“That’s right. I was Gil Thorp in another life and we beat Hannibal at the Rubicon and Oakwood at the gym. But I reincarnated and became a real leader.”

“Do you read the manual often?”

“Every goddam day.”

 

 

“Thank God this plot has ended

Thank God this plot has ended”

 

“Jaime, eat your Bucket Burger. There are starving kids in China that would love to go through the drive-thru.”

May 13, 2020

Dead Horse: Beaten.

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For the third straight day we’re told that The Mayor has been expelled. Now it’s time for that news to spread throughout Milford and into the Valley.

Gil’s little “I know” and $1.98 will buy The Mayor a cup of coffee at Swifti Mart on his way out of town. I suppose that’s some kind of foreshadowing of Gil testifying on his behalf when this goes to trial, or not. A quick search (which I’m not gonna link to, sorry) shows me that successful challenges of school zero-tolerance policies as arbitrary or capricious, violative of due process, or discriminatory are few and far between but not nonexistent. Imagine if the Knappes win on the merits: The Mayor gets reinstated at Milford High, the Knappes get their attorney’s fees plus damages, Milford school and property taxes go up to cover the costs, Marty Moon never lets Milford hear the end of it, somebody’s head rolls… will that be enough to keep Gildeaux’s mouth shut?

Onto the diamond where the Mudlarks are trying out their new practice jerseys with glow-in-the-dark numbers. Gil gets vague and Kaz gets pissy, probably because he forgot to put his earrings on today. Kaz-bot may be breaking the fourth wall to render an opinion on modern society here.

April 22, 2020

Watch Out for That Tree!

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“I’m halfway to a smoothie, Muench. Now all you gotta do is hit some potholes. Oh, and watch out for that tree.”

 

Are you as sick of The Mayor’s breakfast surprises as I already am? Of course you are. I’m still waiting for some sort of elaboration as to why this is an important plot device. We’ve had little if any indication of Knappe household dysfunction which might manifest itself in Mike’s choice of breakfast items and delivery system. For the moment I’m willing to chalk it up as another facet of his narcissistic personality.

Interesting details on display in the Muenchmobile today. The duct taped driver’s seat bolster is a nice touch of realism and reinforces the notion that kids in the Valley drive beaters. The slabs for sun visors are curious, though: what’s holding them in place in the center? And how are those Post-its staying stuck to them?

Questions to be answered another time as we quick cut to the Milford diamond for the conference opener vs. the yet to be named Valley rival. Celebrity cameo in P3 as Tom Berenger sheds the tools of ignorance to take some practice in the field. Tom’s got some odd follow-through on that throw; with a splayed hand like that he must be tossing a Wiffleball.

April 4, 2020

Short Seasons Mean Less Coaching

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“Winter is over.

We’re playing outside. Any-

thing is possible.”

 

Oh the irony

Of Gil’s haiku when we all

Must shelter in place

 

Meanwhile in Milford

Marjie Ducey waves her pen

Ready for roll call

 

But first a softball

Question for the Gilmeister:

Best opening day?

 

Football means the most

To Gil; it gives him more time

To play Mary Worth

 

Then a reminder:

Sometimes it snows in April

Yeah, we miss Prince too

 

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