This Week in Milford

June 13, 2022

Ggerg’s Impressive Feature

Filed under: actual action, baseball, Gil Thorp, Heather Burns, High Five Fail — nedryerson @ 3:25 pm

We’re in a real wash rinse repeat situation with Reggg Mahm. We’re at another one of his starts, skipping right past any other starts. How many games are the Mudlarks playing this season? Do we figure this out by multiplying Hamm starts by the number of players in the Milford rotation (which is unknown also, so forget it…we just play until Rubin gets bored or remembers that it’s summer). At least someone else on the team gets credit for something. It’s RF Nomar Ramos launching bombs. Good job Nomar, now scurry away and make room for the Reggg Mahm Show….and here’s your host, Heather Burns. Heather lost the Milford Starr’s legacy video camera so it’s back to paper and pencil.

So, Erggg, tell us a little about yourself. Who is your daddy and what does he do?

June 8, 2022

His Good Side Is… Straight Ahead?

Looks like we’re only ever gonna see games where Ggerg starts from here on in. No need to bother with details like a rotation when they don’t serve the square peg of a story getting hammered (pun intended) into the round hole of realism.

The Central kids either didn’t get the Oakwood memo or got it and promptly forgot about it, bunting the ball almost straight back to – or only slightly left of – the mound. (Seems like that memo should’ve included a note to hit back to the pitcher on a line drive, not on the ground.) How the Hammer ended up over there after his follow-through is unclear except as a device for the Chief to indulge in his recent shoe bottom fetish.

Boy, Ggerg’s teammates sure like patting his bottom. They must realize they won’t have many more chances left. Speaking of bottom, what’s that white thing hanging off of Ggerg’s rear end? Speculate away, gentle readers.

April 23, 2022

Can You Fist Bump in Braille?

The grand scheme is in full swing, and with only three players in on it (oh, and a tennis player but who’s counting? Is she even gonna get a story this spring?) it seems to be working. The big question: how long before someone picks up on it, who will that someone be, and how will they know?

Probably not Marty; he’s too busy with his own chatter. Did he get a new set of choppers after basketball season, or has he been sucking on the sugar cubes he’s been muddling with bitters to make his sippy cup Old Fashioneds?

How about Noah Syndergaard Kaz? Gregg’s awkward return of his fist bump might be a clue. Oh wait; it’s his right-angled approach that’s making it awkward.

Maybe another Mudlark who isn’t in on the plan will figure it out, especially if one of them calls Hamm by name while out in the field. Guess it’s a given he can distinguish Scooter’s voice from his other teammates in the heat of the moment.

You know it won’t be Gil; he’s always the last to know and the pissiest when he finds out.

Nice graffiti by the Chief on the dugout there, BTW.

March 12, 2022

Even a Broken Coach Is Right Twice a Day

Filed under: basketball, Brown Hair, Heather Burns, High Five Fail, Madison Time, Mimi Thorp — teenchy @ 2:59 pm

Today’s post title originally had something to do with hogs or squirrels, but I was informed that using that language is considered ableist. Suffice it to say that Mimi got lucky in Madison when Hollis stepped up and into the guard slot with some success. So what if some of her teammates are yapping about her cutting in on someone else’s playing time? That’s part of Mimi’s job – not the job of some first-year zoomie-in-waiting – to nip dissension in the ranks in the bud.

Besides lucky Mimi, everyone else in today’s strip appears to be some kind of rando. These two Lady Mudlarks in the foreground aren’t any we’ve been introduced to by name. They don’t seem too pissy about Hollis’ playing time or lack thereof; they just seem happy to have beaten Madison, even if their handclasp/high five/whatever seems a bit awkward.

This dark blonde/light brown-haired woman Mimi’s chatting to about Hollis’ game: gotta be Heather Burns, right? Who else would give a rat’s about how Hollis played and, what’s more, who else would Mimi give a rat’s to share her thoughts on Hollis’ game with? Hollis’ mom?

Not much else to add today since this is sort of an anti-cliffhanger. Nice set of posts by my fellow bloggers and nice, insightful comments by you gentle readers this week. Hope your team gets selected on Selection Sunday tomorrow. If not, hope they get selected for the NIT. If not, hope they find a decent replacement for their canned coach (at least that’s what I’m hoping).

January 24, 2022

I Got A System And I Can’t Lose

Filed under: High Five Fail, Pointy Fingers, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 4:37 am

Welcome to sports book talk with Pranit Smith. Pranit has to school Gabe on the finer points of sports wagering. Tevin surmises that it will all end in tears. There you have it. Another slice of life among teen sportsmen. Please kill me.

I feel nothing but apathy towards betting on games and all the claptrap that surrounds the practice. Point spreads, parlays, trap games, etc. always just seemed like a distraction from what happens in the field of play. To each his own, I guess, but it doesn’t give me a thrill to risk losing money of something arbitrary. Of course, I’ve thrown a few dollars away on slots, but I can do that for a little thrill in a self contained moment and not have to have to scream at a tv set for hours hoping some guy kicks a field goal for me to get a payout.

I’ve also found the coziness developing between the NFL and gambling to be disturbing. What are the ramification of the online betting advertising partnerships and having a team in Vegas? I’m not really sure, but I do remember the days when anything that whiffed of a connection between a sports league and any gambling was usually discouraged.

I’m assuming Gil is probably at least as old school in his thinking as me, but it will take him another few months to get wind of what’s going on and bring the hammer down. I’ll just parlay that into an opportunity to opine about whatever and share songs that spring to mind. To wit, here’s Little Milton:

January 5, 2022

Today’s Special at The Bucket: Sausage Biscuits

Filed under: Bad Jokes, basketball, freak hands, High Five Fail, The Bucket — teenchy @ 9:49 am

Today’s strip is a Gil Thorp classic: an example of how Rubin makes the sausage in Milford.

  1. Give character a seemingly random name that lends itself to fairly obvious nicknames.
  2. Give character a seemingly innocuous extracurricular activity that lends itself to abuse.
  3. Give character an extracurricular situation that could potentially benefit from character’s abuses of the extracurricular activity.*
  4. Give character lines that would seem to imply that character is engaging in said extracurricular activity in a manner that could address said extracurricular situation.
  5. ?
  6. Profit!

Step 4 is taking place at The Bucket; at least I assume that’s The Bucket, from the outward-leaning pillar of a type found nowhere else in Milford and the non-institutional table. Now that he has mouthed off about point spreads in games he’s playing in, it’s only a matter of time before Pranit gets cold, clanks a couple of shots and is immediately accused of tanking. Pranit will offer a weak explanation but not before word of his mouthing spreads like omicron around Milford and the Valley and the Mudlarks are out of playdown contention, either via actual losses or games they’re forced to forfeit because of said mouthing. Someone will step up to defend Pranit but not before his reputation is sullied and his bones broken by the Valley Mob the Mudlarks win a now meaningless season finale.

Now then, what’s going on with the Lady Mudlarks and that Air Force cadet-in-waiting?

*edit: Bonus points if said extracurricular activity impinges on said character’s ability to play for the Mudlarks to the fullest of their potential.

December 15, 2021

Milford Rocks to the Pranit Rock

Boy, wait until the USAFA gets wind that Hollis Talley dislocated her shoulder returning an awkward high-five from a classmate. Hollis appears to be either a deceased Tennessean, a deceased Texan or a deceased Arkansan.

Now it’s time to hear from our Milford boy protagonist this season. Pranit Smith appears to be either a phone scammer or an online scammer. Like seemingly every other Milfordian (Milfordite?) these days, he’s somehow under the spell of the little machine in his hand. Maybe he’s trying to land a spot in the Top 100 Scammers List. Since the only boys’ sport we see in the winter is basketball (no pesky gymnastics, skating or rugby to distract them), Pranit’s gonna be playing hoops for Gil. Why the Valley no hockey? There’s a Winter Blast with ice skating, and we saw a figure skater a while back, so… oh, wait, never mind. I’ve beaten this dead horse before.

Let’s sit back and see how Pranit’s quest to break the Top 100 in whatever will interfere with his sportsball just enough to keep his team from achieving success. Gil will intercede just in time for Pranit to learn his lesson but not in time for the Mudlarks to make the playdowns. Either way, you know he’s gonna hit the court to this tune.

December 4, 2021

Let’s Snot and Say We Did

(alternate title: “Talkin’ Smak!”)

Well, kudos to Neal Rubin. Before today the compound word “snot-pound” apparently did not exist.

This week of kids standing on cafeteria tables spouting stupid platitudes comes to the stupidest, most platitudinal (dunno if that’s even a word) end possible. Just who had “negative expectations” of Tevin based on four or five plays in jayvee? Only one kid ever even mentioned it – the same jackhole standing there posing like he knocked out Sonny Liston even as he’s getting roasted – and nobody put any credence into it.

And how many kids placed their trust in hypno-jackhole there? I count three: the kid who needed a B on his algebra test, the lineman who kept missing his assignment on the jet sweep, and Kianna, who might not have had Tevin not pretended to be the fourth and played along with the jackhole. So on whom do we pin the Mudlarks’ late-season collapse? (And where the heck has Marty been to do the pinning?)

That one’s easy: this falls squarely on Gil and Kaz. No sooner than word spread round the campus that jackhole had tried his parlor trick and was taking credit for Milford wins, they should’ve nipped it in the bud. But nooooooOOOOOOoooooo! Somehow it dragged on until “six or eight guys” had undergone the jackhole treatment. Only then did Gil give his half-assed “we’re good!” speech, whereupon the Mudlarks crapped the bed and haven’t won a game since.*

We can only hope today’s strip wraps up the arc. The only loose end to tie up is finding out which sport Kianna quits; the rest is all Spiller – I mean, filler.

*Somehow we never saw these six or eight guys get hypmotized. Another hole in the plot, kinda like the holes in Georgia’s allegedly vaunted defense (speaking of crapping the bed… and now you know why today’s post was so late).

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