This Week in Milford

January 24, 2022

I Got A System And I Can’t Lose

Filed under: High Five Fail, Pointy Fingers, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 4:37 am

Welcome to sports book talk with Pranit Smith. Pranit has to school Gabe on the finer points of sports wagering. Tevin surmises that it will all end in tears. There you have it. Another slice of life among teen sportsmen. Please kill me.

I feel nothing but apathy towards betting on games and all the claptrap that surrounds the practice. Point spreads, parlays, trap games, etc. always just seemed like a distraction from what happens in the field of play. To each his own, I guess, but it doesn’t give me a thrill to risk losing money of something arbitrary. Of course, I’ve thrown a few dollars away on slots, but I can do that for a little thrill in a self contained moment and not have to have to scream at a tv set for hours hoping some guy kicks a field goal for me to get a payout.

I’ve also found the coziness developing between the NFL and gambling to be disturbing. What are the ramification of the online betting advertising partnerships and having a team in Vegas? I’m not really sure, but I do remember the days when anything that whiffed of a connection between a sports league and any gambling was usually discouraged.

I’m assuming Gil is probably at least as old school in his thinking as me, but it will take him another few months to get wind of what’s going on and bring the hammer down. I’ll just parlay that into an opportunity to opine about whatever and share songs that spring to mind. To wit, here’s Little Milton:

January 5, 2022

Today’s Special at The Bucket: Sausage Biscuits

Filed under: Bad Jokes, basketball, freak hands, High Five Fail, The Bucket — teenchy @ 9:49 am

Today’s strip is a Gil Thorp classic: an example of how Rubin makes the sausage in Milford.

  1. Give character a seemingly random name that lends itself to fairly obvious nicknames.
  2. Give character a seemingly innocuous extracurricular activity that lends itself to abuse.
  3. Give character an extracurricular situation that could potentially benefit from character’s abuses of the extracurricular activity.*
  4. Give character lines that would seem to imply that character is engaging in said extracurricular activity in a manner that could address said extracurricular situation.
  5. ?
  6. Profit!

Step 4 is taking place at The Bucket; at least I assume that’s The Bucket, from the outward-leaning pillar of a type found nowhere else in Milford and the non-institutional table. Now that he has mouthed off about point spreads in games he’s playing in, it’s only a matter of time before Pranit gets cold, clanks a couple of shots and is immediately accused of tanking. Pranit will offer a weak explanation but not before word of his mouthing spreads like omicron around Milford and the Valley and the Mudlarks are out of playdown contention, either via actual losses or games they’re forced to forfeit because of said mouthing. Someone will step up to defend Pranit but not before his reputation is sullied and his bones broken by the Valley Mob the Mudlarks win a now meaningless season finale.

Now then, what’s going on with the Lady Mudlarks and that Air Force cadet-in-waiting?

*edit: Bonus points if said extracurricular activity impinges on said character’s ability to play for the Mudlarks to the fullest of their potential.

December 15, 2021

Milford Rocks to the Pranit Rock

Boy, wait until the USAFA gets wind that Hollis Talley dislocated her shoulder returning an awkward high-five from a classmate. Hollis appears to be either a deceased Tennessean, a deceased Texan or a deceased Arkansan.

Now it’s time to hear from our Milford boy protagonist this season. Pranit Smith appears to be either a phone scammer or an online scammer. Like seemingly every other Milfordian (Milfordite?) these days, he’s somehow under the spell of the little machine in his hand. Maybe he’s trying to land a spot in the Top 100 Scammers List. Since the only boys’ sport we see in the winter is basketball (no pesky gymnastics, skating or rugby to distract them), Pranit’s gonna be playing hoops for Gil. Why the Valley no hockey? There’s a Winter Blast with ice skating, and we saw a figure skater a while back, so… oh, wait, never mind. I’ve beaten this dead horse before.

Let’s sit back and see how Pranit’s quest to break the Top 100 in whatever will interfere with his sportsball just enough to keep his team from achieving success. Gil will intercede just in time for Pranit to learn his lesson but not in time for the Mudlarks to make the playdowns. Either way, you know he’s gonna hit the court to this tune.

December 4, 2021

Let’s Snot and Say We Did

(alternate title: “Talkin’ Smak!”)

Well, kudos to Neal Rubin. Before today the compound word “snot-pound” apparently did not exist.

This week of kids standing on cafeteria tables spouting stupid platitudes comes to the stupidest, most platitudinal (dunno if that’s even a word) end possible. Just who had “negative expectations” of Tevin based on four or five plays in jayvee? Only one kid ever even mentioned it – the same jackhole standing there posing like he knocked out Sonny Liston even as he’s getting roasted – and nobody put any credence into it.

And how many kids placed their trust in hypno-jackhole there? I count three: the kid who needed a B on his algebra test, the lineman who kept missing his assignment on the jet sweep, and Kianna, who might not have had Tevin not pretended to be the fourth and played along with the jackhole. So on whom do we pin the Mudlarks’ late-season collapse? (And where the heck has Marty been to do the pinning?)

That one’s easy: this falls squarely on Gil and Kaz. No sooner than word spread round the campus that jackhole had tried his parlor trick and was taking credit for Milford wins, they should’ve nipped it in the bud. But nooooooOOOOOOoooooo! Somehow it dragged on until “six or eight guys” had undergone the jackhole treatment. Only then did Gil give his half-assed “we’re good!” speech, whereupon the Mudlarks crapped the bed and haven’t won a game since.*

We can only hope today’s strip wraps up the arc. The only loose end to tie up is finding out which sport Kianna quits; the rest is all Spiller – I mean, filler.

*Somehow we never saw these six or eight guys get hypmotized. Another hole in the plot, kinda like the holes in Georgia’s allegedly vaunted defense (speaking of crapping the bed… and now you know why today’s post was so late).

August 28, 2021

He Made Her an Offer She Could Refuse

The transformation is well under way. Heather has swapped her slightly orange-tinged hair color for Marjie’s light blonde. Now she just needs to get her ponytail lopped off and shaped into a bob and then, after a visit to Milford Opticians, no one will know the difference.

Of course Gil sees Heather’s new role as a blessing in disguise; he’ll neither have to provide her a concessions stipend nor defend to the Mudlark Booster Club his decision to put a woman on his football coaching staff. Still that doesn’t stop him from trying to hit her up for volunteer work. “Are you kidding?” Heather must be thinking. “Your pay is so bad, you not only have to teach little kids golf in the summertime, you have to go stock shelves at Target afterwards!” (Seriously, never wear a red polo shirt when shopping at Target.)

Thankfully we can put this dud of a summer plot behind us – a plot that, except for the writing out of Marjie Ducey, was as boring and predictable as the high-five from Gil that Heather can return with her eyes closed.

What a poor sendoff for Marjie, huh? I’m gonna rectify that in a separate post.

May 26, 2021

Blood Is Thicker than Coffee

Filed under: Central, High Five Fail, Just plain sad, Mimi Thorp, talking hand — teenchy @ 9:39 am

So that’s how it’s gonna be.

Katy knows her father is trying to get on the library board to defund the Milford Public Library solely because he went there once and saw that there were computers not in use at that moment. This even after Zane showed up for dinner and explained how having those computers available benefited people like himself – a kid whose family has become financially strapped due to his father’s crippling disability and the subsequent loss of income. Now Zane’s gonna stand up to Abel and for the library by running for the same library board seat and, knowing the entire backstory, Katy’s gonna distance herself from him and side with her dad? Even when she knows what will happen to Zane if Abel has his way?

Time to rethink my stance on Katy Brito.

Thank goodness there’s still a sympathetic female character to get behind in this arc, a creature of pure light and supernatural talent so gifted that her sharp tongue and penchant for targeting people for public humiliation is readily overlooked. What amazing strings will Mimi pull for Corina to get into State U and have a full-time caretaker look after her mom while she attends? Here at TWIM, come for the softball, stay for the gymnastics!

May 7, 2021

High 10

Filed under: freak hands, High Five Fail, Miserable characters — robmize2013 @ 8:35 pm

As if we didnt both know this was coming and have to hear it twice since Katy said it yesterday, Mr. Brito is running for that opening on the library board. I have no idea why they need an election for this, but methinks its a lot like the other offices we vote for in March, like mosquito abatement commisioner, and a lot of times they are running uncontested. I know local politics is where its at for most people, and they always say the most important elections are for things like this, that if you want things done in your municipality the way you want them done, then get involved in your local government,…. but… jesus. The last thing we need is for this guy to win this position, and to spread his poisonous attitude even further, not only making our lives more miserable by his being in it, but the rest of the library board, who have no idea that their future boardmate is the equivalent of having a wad of gum stuck to the bottom of each and every one of their shoes, and having no way of removing it, and the gum multiplying every day, until they literally are consumed like quicksand and sink into that black hole that we know too well that is filled with all those miserable characters of Milford past…

Excuse me while I stick my head in a microwave and turn it on high.

March 28, 2021

Two Douches and a Four-speed and a 389

What have we learned today, TWIMers?

  1. Doug Guthrie’s favorite NASCAR racing family? The Pettys.
  2. Vic Doucette was seen by drove a Plymouth Satellite faster than the speed of light.
  3. When it comes to teaching your kids how to drive, Doug’s dad got it all wrong. Kid sits on dad’s lap, steers and shifts while dad works the pedals and takes hold of the steering wheel as necessary.
  4. Thanks to #3, Gil Thorp is the strip that has come the closest to a depiction of road head since For Better or for Worse introduced the bizarre term “going roadside.”
  5. A girl rejecting a guy for his grandpa van? Bad. Said guy catcalling said girl? A-OK!

I guess this wack-ass approach to putting Vic behind the wheel of a cool ride is cheaper than pimping out Vic’s van or fitting hand controls to Doug’s GTO. Style points to Whigham for getting the ’66 Goat interior close to correct, adding a column-mounted tach even if he defaulted to the cliched 8-ball gearshift knob.

Honestly this strip doesn’t feel like any kind of arc-ender, much as we might want it to be. If it is, a metapost might be in order.

meta: Well I’ll be darned; it is the arc-ender. Can you say “anticlimactic”? Sure, I knew you could. The post title is, of course, an homage to the second line of “Little GTO.”

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