This Week in Milford

October 19, 2017

The Best-Laid Plans Aren’t Much Fun

October 17, 2017

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Yep, the same ol’ same ol’. Marty asks a not terribly snarky question, Gil delivers a douchey answer. If your game plan is as dull and nonspecific as the one Gil delivers in his pre-game pep talk, then what exactly are you giving away repeating that verbatim on the air? If I’m Marty I’m throwing Gil’s crap back in his face on Saturday morning, as the next two strips will reveal.

October 18, 2017

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Another situation where the home team wears white at night. Is it really that hot in Nebraska this time of year? Other minutiae: weird perspective in P1 (at least three different planes), funky stadium architecture in general (do the bleachers face the field?), Milford’s uni numbers glow in the dark but their helmet decals no longer do. (Also wondering why Gil didn’t retire True Standish’s #11, since it doesn’t look like he’ll be sniffing any championships again anytime soon.) Minus points for Whigrub for not having a QB shout “Omaha!”

October 19, 2017

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“Coach Thorp couldn’t tell me his game plan ’cause he didn’t have one!” – Marty Moon, on his first broadcast after the Millard West game

By the light of the 2×4 Lego brick Milford is stymied and humiliated. Not only are the Mudlarks held scoreless in the second half, they get groped in the process. Adding insult to, well, just adding insult, the now-balding Marty Uncle Gary takes another opportunity to twist his tiny knife into Rick, hoping to drain the boy’s desire to play football by a thousand paper cuts. Shouldn’t Rick be dragging himself onto the team bus for a long, sad ride back to Milford? Or has Dr. Pearl cut Gil’s athletic budget so deeply that the players’ parents are forced to shuttle them to and from each game?

 

 

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October 4, 2017

Open A Hole And/Or Go Over The Top!

Filed under: actual action, Exploding Eyeball Syndrome, football, Highlight reel — timbuys @ 10:14 am

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I infer from Nick’s acrobatics that, although Kevin tried to open a hole, he’s worn out from that carry for three yards and a cloud of dust and is no longer able to block effectively. Well done, Gil.

This, however, is immaterial as Nick is the real decoy. Indeed, it’s looking grim for Oakwood as, not only were they focused on the secret Pelwecki, now they are eyeball explodingly shocked by this additional dissimulation. Well done, Gil.

September 30, 2017

Before the Concussion Protocol, the Tackle-Eligible Protocol

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If you watched last Thursday night’s Packers-Bears game you no doubt saw one of the  dirtiest hits in recent memory. Even if you disagree with that assessment Danny Trevathan’s hit on Davante Adams did not separate Adams’ head from his body, as Oakwood #24’s head appears to have been done by his own teammate. I reckon if I my head separated from my body I’d stiffen eventually, too. Gil’s left palm has also stiffened as he shouts out instructions to his team and introduces us to another of his players. The backup guard may be named for a character from Buffy the Vampire Slayer or any number of people but is not a member of Split Enz or Crowded House. You’d think he might not want Oakwood to hear that, wouldn’t you?

Downpuppy, you called it! Three yards and a cloud of hair grease as The No Longer So Secret Pelwecki pounds it up the middle.  But wait: wasn’t Pelwecki wearing #11 in practice just a few days ago? Gil should know that players with uniform numbers between 50 and 79 are ineligible receivers in US high school football. They can, however, run or pass the ball so Pelwecki’s okay wearing the same #55 he wore last season (yay continuity!), at least on this play. Will Gil’s brand of smashmouth football win the game and send his players home? And will any of them get a concussion in the process? Stay tuned!

September 28, 2017

Tipped Off

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Nothing but action today as we get some blessed relief from wannabe agent-cum-hanger-on/wet blanket/harbinger of doom Uncle Gary.

When I see Oakwood’s big “O” on their helmets I’m reminded of the University of Oregon Ducks. Last season Oakwood had an interesting, unconventional helmet design going on so this registers as a downgrade. Then again, Oakwood may have a Phil Knight-like benefactor so that they can change uniforms every game if not every quarter. On the other hand Milford looks much the same as it has the past several seasons, with Whigham unable to draw a consistent block “M” without it looking a like a mimeographed ink blob. Not sure why they’re wearing white at home unless it’s a day game and Milford has become one of those hot-climate towns where the home team wears white to psych out their opponents.

Without knowing how Milford got its scores (another missed opportunity for name-dropping, Rubin!) we suddenly find them in a hole of their own making. Tipped pass or not, somehow the Oakwood defender got in front of the Milford intended receiver to make the exploding pick. Heather Burns should’ve been coaching that kid over the summer, too.

August 19, 2017

Jaquan and Trey Get Laid

Filed under: big arms, football, Gil Thorp, Highlight reel, Milford Idiots — teenchy @ 12:37 pm

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I didn’t think this little game of catch needed a cliffhanger, did you?  Didn’t think so.

My shortest post yet? I think so.

June 24, 2017

Which Two Did He Hit?

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Poor Ryan.  Fist at the ready but he’s not supposed to punch anyone.  Way to not take advantage of a situation.

Know who else hasn’t taken advantage of a situation?  Marty Moon!  If he broadcasts every Milford game, he’d have seen the protest poster and been on the story like white on rice. Even if he doesn’t broadcast every game, surely Marjie Ducey would’ve picked up the story and he’d have commented on it. (Pouty Daftpunk isn’t the only “journalist” in town, dontchaknow.) Instead Marty’s been sitting in his basement, rolling his dice and composing music on his Casiotone. See the pile of blank staff paper on top of the keyboard?

Don’t look now folks but in a week’s time Milford has supposedly played six games. Reckon they’ll finish the season by the end of the month – or before Dafiltefish crawls back to Ms. Rizk begging to get back on the Trumpet staff?  Let’s put in an order to Rob’s Pizza and watch things unfold; I hear the breadsticks are a must. I’d say we could hang out but Rob’s is takeout or delivery only.

June 17, 2017

Blooper Reel

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Daftpunk can’t run her precious little hit piece on Ryan, so she quits the school paper.  Ryan gets rattled when Central girls troll him about an event that (according to his parents) wasn’t all that, so he loses his mojo and quits on the mound. Now the rest of the Milford baseball team quits all around him and the season goes down the crapper. Gil’s quit on his team too: relying on hope and working on his grilling technique, he could give two shits about the rest of the season. Yo Gil, out here in the real world, winners eat steaks, losers eat franks and beans. (By the way, what the hell is Gil wearing on his wrist? Is he talking to Dick Tracy on that thing? Maybe he’s talking with that talking baseball with EES in P1. And what the complete hell is with his hand with integrated spatula?)

Even the color monkeys phoned it in on this one: they didn’t color the Jefferson player or whatever it is Mimi’s got in that pitcher (and don’t tell me it’s straight Everclear). I’m beginning to get the idea that the Whigrub brain trust has run out of ideas on how to wrap this arc up; not saying they’ve quit on it yet, but it’s starting to feel that way.

I’ve been on the road all day to Bakst country and just arrived only a few minutes ago.  I almost quit on this post for today, so I hope you’ll forgive me for its brusque nature.

 

May 6, 2017

Chill, ‘Cane! You still got the W

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Having been yanked from the game by Gil, Ryan Van Auken looks startled as he trudges into the Milford dugout.  And no wonder: judging from the motion lines Whigham drew in, Ryan’s glove arced over his left shoulder before hitting the back of the bench in front of him.  He must have thrown that shit before he walked in the dugout!

Bobby Mitchell (not the one who integrated the Redskins) earns the save when a levitating Barry Bader wills the ball to rise vertically into his outstretched glove.  Awful nice of Gil to put stripes down the sides of the Mudlark unis; gives Barry a way to relate to his old man. But what is that leaf-like object hovering over Barry’s rear end?  An actual tobacco leaf?  An indicator of his preferred kinks?  Or something else?  Talk amongst yourselves.

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