7:14PM-We did stake-out in front of the Milford Public Library. My partner, Bill Gannon, was munching on his 7th Baconator w/ Swiss Cheese while I was about to smoke through my carton of Bel-Air’s. We were sure the illegal operation was going through the doors of what was once a Carnegie Library but we had to be careful. We couldn’t ID a patron’s library card without a warrant and we also didn’t want to blown away by a little old lady with an Uzi under her collection of mystery novels like Sue Grafton’s “M is for Milford”.
We hit paydirt. A gentleman who exhibited the ugliest Mr. T filament I had ever seen since they cancelled “The A-Team” walked into front entrance with more test aids than Barron’s. And I had a hunch he wasn’t headed to one of the conference rooms for a book discussion on Ray Bradbury’s “Golden Apples of the Sun.”
“Police officers!!!!!!!! Get your hands up and spread ’em out!!!!!!! Bill, frisk ’em for any weapons!!!!!!!”
“Mr. Friday, if you have overdue library items, we can renew them for 3 more weeks. You have 1 renewal allowance left.”
“Don’t try anything cute. I know you have illegal shipments of PSAT exams somewhere. Bill, check under the Xerox copier.”
“Mr. Friday, I assure you, we haven’t any illegal materials or drugs. And if we see or hear anything suspicious, we do our duty as citizens to call the police.”
“That’s what the commander at Pearl Harbor said and there were bombs in his file cabinet. Don’t try to cover this bomb or the judge will convict you on a Section 75, Article 401, “Illegal Storage of Educational and Public Institutional Reading Provisions Within and On General Library Property”. A confession now will lighten the sentence.”
“Joe, maybe she’s right. All I found at the copier was the crossword puzzle section out of the Milford Enquirer. Somebody forgot to take it off the glass.”
“Awwwwrrightt, you were lucky this time. But if I spot so much as a take-home portion of the SAT on the Fiction shelves, I’m gonna run you in and you better have a good lawyer. We’ll be back.”
Gang, you Dirty Harry buffs remember the scene where a psycho who’s on a killing rampage pays this bruiser to beat the tar out of him so that this psycho can frame the police and make it appear like police brutality? This bully just keeps beating him and beating him, finally the bully lands a crusher on him and says “This one’s on the house.”
And when I saw Teddy and his oversize hand throw the contraband on Chris, I felt like that psycho.
“Gil, you mean you want me to kick you in the nuts and rip your hair so that you can have a reason to call in sick? You’re not around much anyway. And I don’t like getting Brylcream all over me.”
“Please do it. Dr. Pearl said I couldn’t use any more sick days and unless I got ran over by the Milford & Oakwood Midnight Special, I was to fulfill the rest of my teacher’s contract and coach the balance of the season. And my cruise ship tickets to The Bahamas are non-refundable.”
BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“This one’s on the house, Mimi.”
CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer
“Sting Operation At Testing Site At Milford Community College Nets $1.7 Million In Confiscated Hot SAT Materials!!!!!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
“Detective Friday: ‘I noticed one of the dealers carrying a Magic Marker into the classroom instead of 2 #2 pencils. And when he didn’t have his calculator, that’s when I put the finger on him. Those punks never had a chance.”
THE STREAK IS BACK
Boy o boy, we got the package today. Dark Shadows Hand in P1 and now The Streak in P2. And I remember when Dan Curtis, who produced Dark Shadows, screened actors for his show so that it would be that much scarier. He wanted people who were REALLY freaky, were excellent actors, and were terrific with the public. Jonathan Frid, who played Barnabas Collins, was a good example. He was a veteran Shakesperean actor and was super with the fans. He would stop on the streets to sign an autograph. People loved him. And when you saw his displaying those vampire teeth on the TV screen, that just confirmed the issue.
Well, Teddy can’t act and it’s hard for me to believe after he got detention that he has a good rapport with the hoi polloi BUT he is super freaky with that hairdo. He’s 1/3 of the way there should the networks return Dark Shadows to the spotlight. He might catch up by then, especially if he quits getting detention for sticking sting bombs in Barnabas’ coffin. Don’t hold your breath.
Anybody who leaves a streak, er, trail with Kaplan’s AP Guide to Trigonometry ledger notes on the Head Librarian’s desk is in serious need of reform. Those cosine and sine functions in the doorway attest to that.
BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“This one’s on the house.”
KERBLOOEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Dude, did you have to that to Dr. Pearl? I don’t care how much she paid you. She’s got a face that was born before the French and Indian War.”
2:31PM, Next day-In order to nab these vermin in the act, we had to think like them. So we had Bill Gannon pose as a conferderate. He was to be an SAT Test buyer and so he had to learn the tricks of the trade. It wasn’t going to be easy because Bill barely passed high school. Last-minute intervention by Dr. Pearl kept Gannon from being sent on the front line at the Battle of the Bulge. He owed her one.
“Joe, I think I have this down pat. I had a little trouble with the Essay Section but I got an ‘A’ n my term paper at the Milford Police Academy on ‘Criminal Tactics on Bucket Burger Swindlers’. And I got my calculator in case he tries to pull an arctan on me. I memorized the Math Section cold. I bet I’d score an 800 easily.”
“The real test is when those punks try to smell you out. Your testimony better be tight. Let’s go over the Verbal Section one more time.”
“Sure, Joe. Okay, Mr. Punk, I looked over these analogies and they appear to be in good working order. BASKETBALL:INERTIA seem to align with SPORTS:NONEXISTENCE. And I filled in the blanks with ‘Gil ______________ the season in order to party even if the populace_________________ for more activity’ with ‘trashed’ and ‘clamored’. Gotta watch those opposites. I almost answered ‘consummated’. I’ll take ’em. Got plenty of Benjamin’s. Name your price.”
“You’ll knock ’em dead, Bill.”
Slightly peppy music imbues Dragnet while Bill and Joe leave the physics lab.
If ya bribe the guy at the bar so ya can git the answer sheet to yore arithmatic ex-am-in-na-shun and finally pass 3rd grade and the ne’er-do-well throws in a slide rule ab-suh-lute-ly gratis, ya might be a redneck.
“Okay, it all checks out. The logarithm of 100 is 2 so ‘None of the above’ is the correct answer. And I’ll give in on the Antonym Section. I reckon ‘hirsute’ is the opposite of ‘immaculate’. You drive a hard bargain. I still say it’s ‘shiny’. Remember, it’s NEAREST in meaning. But if you’ll throw in a Videocassette on ‘Big Jake’s Sweating to a 1600 on the SAT’, I’ll call it even.”
“Deal.”
“Gentlemen, I need the goods if you want the cash.”
“Okay, Jiffy Pop Head, you go with Frank and get the stuff out of the van. Here’s the key.”
“I got a better idea LET’S ALL GO POLICE OFFICERS YOU’RE UNDER ARREST!!!!!!!!!!”
____________
“You got a warrant?”
“Right here wedged in this test booklet, punk. You better start asking what oars you’re gonna need when you get sent up the river.”
“I was only doing what any Robin Hood would do to help a poor schmuck to Harvard. I ain’t all bad.”
“Son, you can’t just hock answer sheets and crib notes out of the professor’s vertical file at Milford Community College. There’s laws against that. Personally, I don’t want a guy majoring in electric engineering at MIT with egg on his conscience. What’d you find in the briefcase, Joe?”
“The price tag is still fresh on the ‘Barron’s Prep Guide to Better Scores on the SAT’, answers included. Straight out of the Milford CC Bookstore. He doesn’t have a prayer before the judge.”
“Jiffy Pop Head, didn’t I tell you to burn those tags?”
“I couldn’t help it. They’re made out of the same material as Gil’s hair.”
“So’s your brain.”
“THAT’S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU TWO. YOU’RE IN ENOUGH HOT WATER WITH DR. PEARL. DON’T TRIP ON THE WAY TO THE COURTROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CRUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Luhm, I’m stickin’ this broom handle up your butt on the house.”
OWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“This is Marty Moon with a Special Report at Milford High School where the janitor was brutalized. Mr. Luhm, what happened?”
“Gil did all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him I couldn’t wax the floor until after the players left the scrimmage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He’ll pay for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Dum da dum dum
Dum da dum dum
DUMMMMMMMMMMMM
“This farce you have just seen is true. The names are unfortunately true and exposing the innocent.
“On March 4th, trial was held in the cafeteria of Milford High School at the PTA meeting. In a moment, the results of that trial.”
“Folks, I hope those smugglers get the book thrown at them. Whether it’s Dan-O or Joe Friday, nobody more than me likes to see a guy strapped to a chair because McGarrett or Friday caught them breaking into a student’s locker and stealing that student’s Pudding Pops.
Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. And, boy, do I have a menu for you while you’re watching Friday hangin’ ’em high at Tombstone. Our enterprises and El Tarasco Restaurant have joined together to provide you with even better quality products that you can snarf straight off the TV tray.
Try our new Gil Thorp Italian Sausage ‘n’ Enchiladas Verdes. Mmmmmm, mmm, I can almost smell Mimi smokin’ ’em off the electric stove. With that aroma and Milford Dairies Sour Cream, I’m bettin’ Joe Friday nails then in the next Dragnet episode when the bad guys try to pillage the Milford Food Pantry for guacamole dip.
Are you a shrimp guy? No problem. Gil Thorp Sage Seasoned Sausage y Camarones al Chipotle is just the thing to lay on the grill when the gang comes over to watch Major League Baseball Game of the Week. And Chihuahua Cheese will bat a thousand every time when you’re topping the patties. Hey, and I didn’t know Camarones meant ‘shrimp’. I always thought it meant ‘camera’. Goes to show you us coaches are always learning a new play to put in the playbook.
And you quiche eaters out there who don’t buy grills can always indulge in Gil Thorp Mild Sausage Fajita Burrito Grande. Even Grandma will enjoy this Grande, especially when you marinate the Sausage of Choice. If you wussies want to go stronger, we have onions and peppers for just a few cents extra. Sometimes Joe Friday’s gotta play Rambo and throw tear gas in the faculty lounge if he wants the juvenile delinquents to surrender. We’re fine either way.
Come check out these and other fine Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage products in your grocers’ coolers. You don’t have to go south of the border for good eatin’. We’re right in your neighborhood.”
With Teddy and his buddy standing in front of a blank wall
“Teddy Demarco a/k/a Roger M. Klotz and Jiffy Pop Head were found guilty of two counts of “Illegal Test Preparation Trafficking” and 5 counts of “Harassment of Illegal Contraband onto the General Populace” according to Section 102, Article 9 of the Milford Municipal Legislative Compendium and is punishable by a fine of $35,000 on each count and not more than 5 years of Detention in the Study Hall with Parole set for 2 years by the Milford Parole Commission.”
“Demarco and Jiffy Pop Head are now serving Detention at Milford High School for 3 years.”
Gang, you mean the world to me. I bet you have better shooting form than Schuring too. Better arch, anyway.
BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CRUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KLUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Oops, sorry, Gil. Had too many Camarones con arroz. Here’s a twenty back.”
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