Jumping Into the Shallow End

Now we come to the part of a Gil Thorp season arc where the multiple plot lines come crashing together like a Jeep Compass and a pickup truck with a loose CD rolling around in the cab (or a GMC Safari and a Tri-Power Goat). It’s also the part where lines between protagonists and antagonists become a little less clear.

Take the case of Tessi. She’s a bit of a social butterfly, schmoozing it up in the locker room and at The Bucket. Kinda like one of those kids who start out running for student council and eventually end up in Congress. This somehow makes her “shallow” in the eyes of Corina (and maybe some others, if “some people” means “more people than the one person I’m talking to”), yet somehow the fact that the other girls are listening to Tessi recap a Kardashian show ep doesn’t make them equally shallow. Tessi’s less disputable flaw is an inability (or as Corina sees it, an unwillingness) to play defense, focusing more on her scoring and her stat line. Yo, Tessi, blocks and steals show up in the stats too!

About that Corina, then. She’s become Milford’s spunky righter of wrongs who, through the power of sheer snark and playing the new girl angle, managed to settle Gil’s quarterback controversy and increase turnout at Milford volleyball games concurrently. How’s it gonna play with her when Tessi moves in on her turf by suggesting Vic Doucette work the PA system for the girls’ games? Dare anyone else suggest a way to draw more attention to Lady Mudlark hoops? Not even Paloma Padilla and the Milford Pirate Network could do that!

meta: I’m a bit relieved to find out that it’s been reported that Henry Aaron’s death (see Saturday night’s soapbox) was due to natural causes. This, sadly and unsurprisingly, has not stopped numerous people from running with rumor.

meta²: Sorry so late with this post; lost my first draft and got caught up with work.

Sign My Bruise?

It’s Bucket time. Let’s drink milkshakes out of the highball glasses like ones in Mr. and Mrs. Robinson’s groovy drinkware collection. I get lost in all the lines and angles of The Bucket. Do those windows lean out or lean in? If you wear a wide check pattern you might blend into the background. Can I get a seat where I can stare out the window with my back to the room so everyone can stare at my bald spot? All this thinking is making me thirsty. Another round of rum & chocolate malteds here, my good man!

Okay, let’s get down to it. Corina thinks Tessi doesn’t work hard enough on defense. Her friends (are these the girls she got all her intel from on the volleyball team?) listen to her break down Tessi Milton’s tale of the tape. Hey what’s this? Corina is aware of Tessi’s deficiencies, but what really grinds her gears is the way Tessi presents herself as an achiever! Poor Corina. Mimi isn’t invested in developing well rounded players, nor does she care if anybody on the team needs an attitude adjustment. Looks like you’ll just need to get creative to take down big headed Tessi. Perhaps you should just tease her about her weight until she develops an eating disorder. (Yes I stole that joke straight from a Seinfeld episode. It’s not the first time.)

eta: I’ve added Mopped Up Thorp over in the links lists. You’ll see it under Comics Mockage Posse and Mudlarkish links. All hail Mopman!

Tessi, You Are The Only Only Only

Here we go again with another attempt to make Corina Karenna, the obnoxious girl with an alleged heart of gold, a likeable character. Sympathetic, maybe – that whole mom’s mental health backstory tried to cement that – but likeable? Since when? Since she got the dueling quarterbacks to bring their teammates to her volleyball games and to bury their mutual hatchet with the lure of something other than her mom’s brownies?

Oh, here’s how: by taking down a rah-rah teammate who might not be as much about team as she lets on. In the land that time forgot when I played high school sports I don’t recall ever going over the stat sheets after a game to see how I did. (That’s probably because I usually played positions for which few, if any, stats were kept or, when I did play stat-generating positions, I got so little playing time that I seldom racked up any stats.) In Milford, however, it’s a regular thing and excessive attention to one’s own numbers has been portrayed as a cardinal sin. So “I hate team sports” Corina will make “There’s no I in ‘team’ but there are two in my name” Tessi Milton into more of a team player by knocking her down a peg or two. Just not on this bus ride back from Toledo.

Today’s post title reference is better suited for use during baseball/softball season but how often do we get a character named Tessi(e)?

Bye-Bye, VT! GTFO, Milford!

Finally this slog is over and, like so many seasons in Milford, a pair of story arcs holding some promise end not with a bang but with a whimper. So let’s recap.

Milford had a slim chance of winning the Valley but somehow lost it without losing any more games, and we never learned how.* The Valley is apparently in a state where conference runners-up do not make the playdowns. Hence this game meant exactly diddly squat. It wouldn’t have mattered if the Mudlarks won, lost, held hands on the sideline or hissed and clawed at one another like cats.

So why is Rapson acting like Corina somehow saved the season? What exactly did she accomplish with her little insult fest at Casa Karenna pro tempore? Sending two boys home with fistfuls of brownies and sacks full of blue balls? All she did was continue to insult the two of them which, combined somehow with Gil’s dressing down, humbled them into being cheerleaders for the third-stringer-turned-starter. Maybe Rapp took a blow to the head during those last bruising runs to wind down the clock. That would explain his random pointing to the empty bleachers.

And what exactly did Corina accomplish for herself? She went out for the volleyball team, played liberal, and managed to get some of the football players to come watch the team play – which is more than we TWIMers can say as all of the volleyball game strips (save one panel on September 30) actually just showed the football players sitting in the bleachers. Was there any more character development for her after Phoebe showed her around Milford in the summer and nosy-ass Maureen the waitress set her on a course to True Standish’s mom, who somehow convinced Corina that her mom could get mental health support in Milford? Didn’t think so. Corina’s sole purpose in this arc was to serve as some kind of prize for the two quarterbacks and then as some kind of peacemaker to help them accept their sorry lot on the Milford bench. I’d call that yet another Bechdel fail in an endless string of Bechdel fails.

So is everybody all peace, love and understanding now? Are they all gonna go to The Bucket and trade one-liners over fries and milkshakes? Nah. Corina, sporting those hand-me-down Isotoner gloves Dan Marino gave her mom BITD, throws a tribute to former Mudlark hooper Chris Schuring by singing one word of Schuring’s new school’s alma mater.

See you all here on Monday. Don’t get your hopes up for a realistic plot.

* With the 19-13 loss to Jefferson played in a deluge it’s hard to point a finger at any one event that caused the loss. In the 42-37 loss to Madison, Thayer’s overthrow of a wide-open Tom Muench sealed the Mudlarks’ fate but completely overlooked in the post-game analysis was the fact that Milford blew a two-touchdown lead. Why wasn’t Gil’s sieve of a defense ever a bone of contention this season?

It All Looks Goofy

Gil is really excited about the future of Milford football! They’ll be running all kinds of trick plays and those defenses won’t know what hit ’em. As for right now, in this season, at Valley Tech, let’s just hope they don’t turn the ball over four times.

It looks like Thayer and Rapson are finally united and can stand side by side and lead cheers for QB Fleming. This happened just in time for the alien mothership to abduct them and take them to Tralfamadore for extensive probing. They can live out their lives in a zoo. Maybe their keepers will fashion an animatronic Corina to bring them brownies and do other favors for them.

Corina and her volleyball teammates have travelled to Valley Tech to take in the game. I think Corina is eating a hot dog. Is she glad she came? She’ll answer the question after she sees how good the hot dog is.

How Long Is A Quarterback Summit?

We’re all bored with this.

Maybe the Milford Police Dept. has a sniper on a roof across the street and is waiting to get a clear shot to end this standoff. Maybe Gil will randomly wander in and assume responsibility for his team and put an end to this stupid Team Thayer/Team Rapson nonsense. Hahahaha!

“This Is Not Our Chance. Chance Macy Is Our Chance.”

Okay folks, I know I’ve been losing a couple of steps here and there but at what point did we see these two mooks actually encourage their teammates to take sides in their competition? Did they not start talking “Team Rapson” and “Team Thayer” of their own volition? And at what point did the fire hydrant-shaped Corina grow to be as tall as Rapson and nearly as tall as Thayer?

The wackiness of this setup just gets wackier when Corina suggest they go at it with chairs WWE style and just trash the place. Maybe this is how she really ended up at Valley Mod and all that talk of supporting her depressed mom was just a facade. Better they go at it with butter knives at five paces. There’s an ex-Mudlark at State U who could give ’em a few pointers.

Mudlarks with Filthy Souls

Well surprise, surprise, surprise! Rapson enters Casa Karenna only to find Thayer manspreading across Corina’s sofa. Didn’t realize Will had such enmity toward Rapp, but then again he might just be pissed that his quarterbacking rival has turned into a potential blocker. I’ve already used up my Fight Club references and I’m really hard pressed to come up with any explanation of what we’re seeing here that doesn’t quickly devolve into pornography. So have at it, ya filthy animals.

Being Milford, this is going to end in the most nonsexual way possible. Also being Milford, my money is on Gil putting up Mimi to put up Corina to do his job for free what he could not: get his quarterbacks – and, by extension, the rest of their teammates – to play nice with each other, again in the most nonsexual way possible.