Where Were You the Day The Bucket Got Its Liquor License?

teenchy here. Dunno where robmize is. I’ve got a busy afternoon and evening ahead of me so I’m not gonna wait any longer and put up a double post. I’ll be traveling next weekend so hopefully rob, or Ned, or tdrew can cover for me then. Heck, maybe even timbuys could pop back in for a cameo. (Tim, you out there bud? Miss you here in the rotation.) Anyhoo, on with the show.

September 24, 2021

No clue who Chance’s blocker Gordon Achebe is IRL (any relation to the famed author of Things Fall Apart?) but Kimberly Gordon-Achebe is Program Director of the University of Maryland Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Fellowship and consultant of the Programs for Assertive Community Treatment (PACT)-child division.  There was a Gordon Achebe on the team last year, but he looked a little different back then. This year’s Gordon isn’t about picking sides in a QB controversy but more about covering for his triple-threat backfield teammate, Chance Macy.

Chance has been around since 2019 so we really shouldn’t be learning much of anything new about him. He lives with his grandparents; his parents haven’t been in the picture and he doesn’t hold them in high regard. He has (or at least had) anger management issues. He got plenty of exposition during that season while Chet Ballard tried to smear him to win his stepson some playing time and his love.

Heather was in Iowa while all this was happening, so it’s news to her. Maybe she should take that superfluous finger off her temple and use it to Google some of Marjie’s old articles from the past two seasons before she decides it’s news for Star readers. Off to The Bucket for postgame festivities…

September 25, 2021

… and a surprise appearance from Kianna Bello, who apparently had back-to-back sports practices but got to catch the Mudlark football game. Guessing volleyball practice came first; there’s no way Mimi would schedule an event that conflicted with Gil’s! No, Mudlark sports reign supreme, and Mudlark football reigns the supremest. It doesn’t take an Alexa Watson to figure out that Kianna will be dropping gymnastics quicker than you can say “I’ll take my Bucket Daiquiri in a go-cup, please and thank you.”

Passed out face-down in a booth isn’t a good look on a star athlete. Either learn to hold your liquor or stop burning the candle at both ends. All that’s missing from this amusing scene is a puddle of drool coming from Kianna’s mouth.

#blownoffthorp

So much for that breather! The Mudlarks slow things down so much that night turned into day. Milford scores 13 more points after switching from the vaunted Delaware Wing-T and hangs half a hundred on Oakwood. It’s a wonder Tod Andrews (that is Tod, innit?) isn’t giving Gil a piece of his mind for running up the score on his hapless Owls.

Up in his crate, Evil Spock Marty gleefully calls the game. No doubt he believes Marjie Ducey’s departure to warmer pastures has cemented Milford’s status as his town. Marty had better keep his head on a swivel, though, since Heather Burns is on the scene quicker than you can tweet #radioisadyingmedium.

Heather’s thumbs are quicker than Marty’s lungs, and her approach to sports reporting is fresher than Shane Beamer’s postgame presser after the Georgia-South Carolina game. She’s got no time for Gil’s old man football coachspeak; she’s off to track down the man of the hour, Chance “Don’t Call Me Blowtop” Macy, and give him a squeeze.

Careful where you grab Chance, Heather: five years’ age difference might not mean much to the cruisers at Barney’s Pub (speaking of Evil Spock Marty) but when it’s a recent high school graduate and a high school senior, well, let’s just say it’s not always looked upon kindly.

These Random Words Will Somehow Be Meaningful Before This Plot Is Over

The challenge today, gentle readers, is to figure out how these statements – which, taken in isolation, sound nothing like how real people actually speak – will foreshadow some essential plot element during this story arc.

Tevin puts his all into Mudlark football and can’t see how Kianna is able to do the same for two sports. The fact that Tevin is whipped after just one practice may hint at a lack of conditioning on his part. Kianna hints that it’s because neither of her sports are contact sports. Yesterday she alluded to the use of energy drinks, opening the door to an unhealthy dietary angle.

Speaking of diets, Tevin is off to the cafeteria where he and some of his teammates snarf down all-white food. It kinda looks like the grocery store where Otto worked in Repo Man. The group includes beady-eyed Boyd Spiller who, like Tevin, has also been recently promoted to the varsity. Boyd has already established himself as mouthy and tactless, so why his teammates are acting like his recitation of some clickbait listicle will be as riveting as the Gettysburg Address is beyond me. Could be that his ability to read people won’t translate to an ability to read stunts or blitzes, leading to Tevin’s getting sacked and injured, which would tie back to Kianna’s comment about tackling.

Anyway, we have a while to figure this one out. Just file it in your collective memory bank for reference.

meta: Today is an unavoidably somber day in the US. I’m not going to bore you with stories of where I was twenty years ago today, or offer any kind of take on how our world has changed since then. You’ve had more than enough teenchy for one week. I will, however, leave a link to this story I read this morning. The section in which the former high school basketball star and young college grad decides to change his career tack from book publishing to corporate PR reminded me a bit of the Heather Burns story. One life among thousands lost – thousands whom we will remember today and for years to come.

T, Boned

teenchy here pulling emergency backup duty for tdrew. Trying to squeeze this into a full work day so will be brief.

Looks like the Claxtons might be more than just “a two-boring-silver-SUV family.” What’s this purple thing with a trunk that Tevin’s dropping his backpack into? Couldn’t be Doug Guthrie’s bitchin’ ’66 Goat, could it? Can it help him compete with volleyball and gymnastics for Kianna’s attention? Doesn’t look that way.

No clue who the Greek chorus are or what benefit they bring to the strip. Maybe they’re volleyball teammates of Kianna’s making excuses for her behavior. Maybe they’ll earn names before this arc is over.

Time will tell whether it’s male attention or a lack of bandwidth to maintain her skillsets that makes Kianna drop one or the other of her athletic pursuits. Either way, the decision is sure to be made off-panel and told to the readers in the past tense.

Sorry to be so terse. teenchy out.

Heather Burns Throws Worse Than a Girl!

I mean, come on! Look at that form! Gil tosses Heather a foil-wrapped chocolate football, she grips it like a loofah and throws it back to him all misshapen? If she can do that to a football, maybe she could have been the S&C coach.

Finally Rubin gets around to addressing the 125-pound tight end in the room – conflict of interest – but he can’t come out and say it literally. Instead he has to use the same euphemism he did during last year’s QB controversy. What possible role could he have for Heather that doesn’t involve her actually coaching the Mudlarks? Lemme guess: he’ll coerce her into writing some kind of “insider football tips” column in the Star along with her regular reporting. I’m sure he called her boss Dale and cleared it all ahead of time; this is his town after all. Be prepared to see Gil require his players to read Heather’s column daily, maybe even going so far as to require them to buy the Star off the rack or even subscribe. Can you imagine Gil helps build Heather’s resume and single-handedly boosts the flagging circulation of a dying medium? The mind boggles!

Hang on for this thrill ride: it surely will be more surprising than Gil trotting out the Delaware Wing-T yet again.

Kianna Bello? Che bella!

The Chief starts us off today with a little fanservice in the form of a gymnast in a crop top holding a hose. Phwoar!

Kiana Prince-Bello has an Insta. Kiana Bello has a rag. Whigrub taking no chances with the readership by spelling “chamois” phonetically.

To borrow a trope from my colleague tdrew:

Gene Rayburn: “Kiana Bello is so tall…”

Match Game audience: “HOW TALL IS SHE?”

Gene Rayburn: Kiana Bello is so tall, she’s at eye level with the roof of an SUV.”

Seriously, does this look like the body of a gymnast? It’s certainly not the body of a libero. We’re expected to believe she’s competitive in both sports? The safe money says she drops gymnastics for volleyball since the latter is a Milford team sport and everything takes a backseat to Mudlark sportsball. Gymnastics hasn’t been a thing in the Thorpiverse since the days of Milford Airborne and another Thorp. Both Keri and Airborne have been banished to the retcon dustbin, so expect the same fate to befall the Flipstars.

Oh, yeah, and Tevin is a horndog. But you already knew that.

Washing Cars With Tevin

The new plot is starting of at Tevin Claxton’s house. (Rubin must have used a random name generator for that name.) Today’s strip features Tevin driving his parents’ cars to two different charity car washes, each by different sports teams, volleyball and gymnastics. Well, that’s one way to work the girls’ teams into the plot, Rubin. Have them washing cars for horny boys. The cars in Milford are all filthy, so there’s no limit to how many charity car washes it can hold in one day.

Oh yeah, Tevin has to stop at the drugstore for a few things for his mother. A few things at the drugstore. I try not to buy anything at the drugstore besides my prescription medications. Unless I’m looking for a specific OTC cough medicine or something. Maybe Milford doesn’t have a big box store or a grocery store and the citizens do all their shopping at the KwikEMart and the drugstore. Yeah, I know. Who cares? Lets see what Tevin Claxton’s deal is.

Institutionalized

“We’re wondering, Heather – have you ever considered circular breathing? See how I can talk to you while snorting my coffee?”

“Why? Will you give me a job if I do?”

“Yes, we’ll give you my job.”

“But… you’re an institution!”

“No, but if I don’t blow this Popsicle stand soon I might be in an institution. All I wanted was a retirement package, and he wouldn’t give it to me!”

“Seriously though, I got a lead from Mr. Bakst on a sweet condo outside of Charleston. Once you accept, I’ll be out of here quicker than you can say ‘shrimp and grits.'”

Can it be? Rubin’s gonna retire a long-running character to make way for a new one?

Faithful TWIMer (and host of his own Gil Thorp blog) Mopman predicted in yesterday’s comments that the Star would offer Heather a gig, rather than a job, “providing the ‘inside scoop’ for a season of Mudlark football” à la ESPN’s Hard Knocks. That might be an option, but then what becomes of Marjie? Once editor guy realizes Heather can add more to the Star’s sports reporting than simply reciting a list of names Gil reels off to her, Marjie’s fate is sealed. Lower pay, fewer benefits, no more employer-funded pensions – it’s a no-brainer!

Know what else is a no-brainer? Including the phrase “conflict of interest” in at least one panel between now and Saturday. Let’s see if it happens!