You, Reading Gil Thorp. Me, Trying To Snark About It.

Charis the tennis player (the only Milford High girl we’ve been introduced to this season so far) points out how ludicrous it seems to jump to conclusions about Papa Hamm’s camera-shyness. Since the witness protection program idea has already been thrown out, it can’t be the reason. Odds are it’s something really stupid he’s using as an excuse for ghostwriting books for business executives.

Smash cut to La Maison Du Jambon where we have another Milford athlete’s mom ticked off at that Milford athlete’s dad’s bizarre behavior. Shades of last spring, non? Mama Hamm’s appearance begs the question: If he’s the one trying to hide, why’s she the one who’s constantly changing her hair, clothes, and glasses? Mama’s confrontational speech reads like a lame Milford Mad Lib:

“You, fantasizing about Marjie Ducey. Me, indulging your fantasy by dyeing my hair blonde and putting on wire-rimmed glasses.”

“You, trying to live down the failed tryout for Colonel Sanders you lost to Norm McDonald. Me, suggesting you should be the one who dyes their hair.”

“You, thinking you can’t be seen. Me, thinking our son can’t see.” Wait, neither of them are thinking this. That’s how this plot has remained even remotely plausible.

Have at it with your own Milford Mad Libs in the comments, gentle readers, and stay dry this weekend.

Marjie Ducey Never Lugged a Monster Camcorder Around. Neither Should You.

If you told me today’s strip had been written and drawn twenty years ago and fished out of a drawer for today, I wouldn’t have been surprised. Wonder what was going on in Milford twenty years ago today? I don’t even think this blog had been started yet.

April 30, 2002

Well whaddaya know, Milford was playing Central then too. The laws of gravity weren’t quite as rigid then as now. Okay, what about ten years ago, then? Well thankfully TWIM was in existence, and we were getting to know young Scooter Borden Jaxxxon Kiser.

Back to the present day and still trying to figure out this nonsense. Amazed to find out there’s an online version of the Star, and that it has employees who are dedicated to capturing video for that online version. That’s probably a lie the editor-in-chief told Heather to cover up the fact that it’s not only payroll but also headcount that’s been slashed since Marjie’s retirement. Probably told her this dinosaur of a camcorder was state-of-the-art, too. How naive is she to think that the “beast” takes better videos than today’s smartphones?

Naive enough to know that the only VHS player in town belongs to the Milford High Athletic Department. Between her and Kaz, they’ll go to the videotape and discover the little ruse G-Hammm, Scooter and Wilson have going on. That’s the only way this strip of anachronistic non sequiturs has any relevance to the plot.

meta: Thanks to tdrew for covering for me on Thursday. I owe you one.

What Does Cressa Want?

Cathy still has the floor. She’s been filibustering all weekend, pleading the case for her bestie, The Captain with the dislocated hip. Tell ’em, Cathy. Hollis wants what’s best for everyone. She wants wins and for everyone to be better. Sheesh, Cressa, what don’t you get about that?

Mimi, on the way out the door for cocktail hour, picks up on Cathy’s inspiring defense of The Captain and she…makes a face. Maybe she’ll make Cathy co-captain for the last couple games. Maybe she’ll tell Cressa to hit the showers because she’s stinking up the place and the rest of the team is dressed and ready to go. Maybe she won’t do anything because why not, these girls will work it out. They always do. It’s the Milford way.

Poke Sallet Cressa*

Late in the day and I don’t see Rob’s Friday post so I will double up here. Apologies if I’m stepping on toes.

March 18, 2022

We’ve reached the point where Rubin realizes he didn’t pace the plot very well, so he crams multiple games into a single strip and makes it clear that no Milford team will make the playdowns. We’ve also reached a point where we realize that Whigham can’t draw lower body parts very well. Mimi has a case of the gone-ass while Central’s coach has stovepipes for legs and earrings that can be seen from orbit.

Knowing her team is playing out the string, Mimi has decided to play musical guards, with the previously maligned Maddie Bloom now taking the place of Cathy Sasaki in the backcourt. Cathy, ever the team snitch player, isn’t bothered by this. The only person this doesn’t seem to sit well with is…

March 19, 2022

… Cressa Baxter, who’s lucky Gil isn’t the Thorp coaching her team. That whole hard seltzer fiasco would’ve had her expelled and banished to Valley Mod, where she could’ve replaced Corina as the girl with a chip on her shoulder. And what exactly is the source of that chip? Did Cressa get passed over for a service academy appointment? Does she feel she should’ve been made captain over Hollis? Come on, Rubin, don’t leave us hangin’. Did Hollis ignore her when she was being bullied or something?

BTW, I know the song is “Polk Salad Annie” but the plant it’s made from is pokeweed and the actual dish is poke sallet. Learn more about preparing it without killing yourself here.

Careful With That Sub, Talley

Hollis Talley wants to try and play guard. Cathy, Hollis’ bestie, will see if they can make room for her. Coach Thorp is game because why not. She doesn’t care if Hollis has never shown her any particular propensity for ball handling, but what could it hurt, right?

Let’s check out some odd body language. Why is Hollis Talley holding her Joe’s Sub sandwich that way. It looks like she going to throw it across the room or smash it into the table? That is just weird. Also, why is Hollis Talley invading Mimi’s space like that? Is there no room to stand on the other side of the desk? Does she want Coach Thorp to get a good look at her vintage leather pants?

eta: Who doesn’t like a little Floyd on Kasmir Pulaski Day?

A Growth Opportunity?

Gene Rayburn: “Self-anointed Captain Selfish Hollis Talley is so selfish…”

Studio audience: “How selfish is she?”

Gene Rayburn: “Self-anointed Captain Selfish Hollis Talley is so selfish, she asked Coach Thorp to [BLANK].”

Gary Burghoff: “She asked Coach Thorp to make everyone pass her the ball?”

Brett Somers: “She asked Coach Thorp to put a hard seltzer dispenser in the locker room.”

Charles Nelson Reilly: “She asked Coach Thorp to pass her the loofah in the shower.”

Patti Deutsch: “She asked Coach Thorp to make her assistant coach.”

Richard Dawson: “She asked Coach Thorp to put her on the rack.”

Betty White: “She asked Coach Thorp to move her to guard, even though she’s taller than most of her teammates, so that she could get experience at the position so that she could try out for the Air Force Academy basketball team.”

With that ultimate Frisbee crack, you think Rubin’s aiming for a crossover with Mary Worth?

(apologies to tdrew for using the Match Game schtick)

Drinking and thinking

The title of this post is a salute to an old bar trivia team I was on from 2018-2020. We started playing every Tuesday with 4 players, and the group grew to 18; by then we had split up into 3 groups of 6. The bar started a tournament in the fall of 2019 that lasted about 8 weeks ( I didnt come every week but was fairly regular) and we had 3 teams in it; the primary team was called Drinking and Thinking, and if memory serves they finished in the top 3, which earned them a gift certificate for appetizers. We had used several monikers before settling on that one for the tournament, and continued to use it afterward. We stopped playing when the pandemic closed the bars in March 2020, and I now play in Indiana with a smaller group but similar format during the winter months.

Mountain Dew vs hard seltzer– hmmm. I’d rather drink piss than MD, so the winner is the liquor, for me anyway. In fact after I have to drink MD, I would need the stiffest drink on earth to wash it down. Yuck.

I guess Jesus wasnt around to make more seltzer like he made more wine at the wedding back in biblical times, huh? They didnt have enough to go around just like back then. Hey there’s even a Youtube video of the event! Check it out! (Those of you not Catholic may find it helpful; the rest of us find it amusing)

P3 we have a confrontation- I cant believe the blond girl was so naive she didnt know what was going on. Drinking? At OUR party?? Stop the presses! No, start the presses! Heather Burns has herself a story!

Mostly Tart Talk

Captain Hollis Talley and Cressa Baxter share knock off Pop Tarts on the bus ride back to Milford. I haven’t eaten a Pop Tart in a long time. When I was inclined to eat those things, I preferred cinnamon. I tolerated the fruit filling ones too, but cinnamon was next level. I considered it almost sacrilegious to eat a Pop Tart cold. You really need heat to open up the flavor of the filling as well as the frosting on the outer surface. I’d rather eat a plain piece of white bread than a cold pop tart. I guess if I was stranded on an island and a carton of Pop Tarts washed up or running from zombies in an apocalyptic future and starving, I came across a supply of Pop Tarts, I would eat them. But if I want to select an unhealthy snack to stick in my bag for eating on the go, I’d pick from a million other power bars/protein bars (that are probably about as nutritious as a candy bar). Keep this in mind if you ever plan on bribing me on a bus trip.

What is this cold Jiffy Tart conversation about? Oh yeah, Cressa doesn’t want to disclose a potential knee injury to Coach Thorp because she doesn’t want to lose playing time or see the trainer. Well, that’s just stupid. Hollis should slap the uneaten half of that cold assed Jiffy Tart out of Cressa’s hand and tell her so.