This Week in Milford

May 1, 2021

Baby Brito

Abel Brito is a pest
Fixating on the library
Why can’t he give it a rest?
Why must he be so contrary?

Katy Brito loves her guy
She’s thankful that her dad isn’t meaner
Gonna give Zane a surprise
After swinging by the Cantina

She knows what it’s about
You’d think she’d thought this out
You might as well just shout
It’s gonna get Zane kicked out

And then they started sucking face
Katy brought a little cream and sugar
Can’t bring food into this place
Who said anything about coffee?

Though he didn’t play last year
Zane should remember ’bout the former Mayor
If he gets tossed out on his ear
It’s the end of him as a player

She knows what it’s about
You’d think she’d thought this out
You might as well just shout
It’s gonna get Zane kicked out

You know it’s no butter knife
But if he gets banned for life
What will he do at night?

What will Zane do after this?
Can’t buy a new computer
Maybe he’ll take his bro and sis
Sit in the car and wait and be a commuter

If Abel Brito has his way
No computers, no drinks, no eating
Family’s gonna make him pay
Givin’ him a verbal beating

He knows what it’s about
You’d think he’d thought this out
He might as well just pout
When he sees his daughter make out

(apologies to the late Elliott Smith)

April 28, 2021

More Posts About Softball and Food

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, huge earrings, Mimi Thorp, softball — teenchy @ 9:09 am

Did we miss the return of Beau Dandy to the strip? Oh, wait, it’s just another Milfordian using a term no one else has this century. At least their euphemism for doing the deed is current. Good thing that pork loin came with a side of smashed potatoes.

That dull thud you hear is me banging my head against my desk at the physical return of Lotus Cortina Anna Karenina. Even Mimi is sick of her crap to the point she can’t be bothered to make eye contact. Didn’t she get the memo? She’s not at Valley Mod anymore, no more free food on the Milford dime. Well, uh, maybe we can make this one exception, especially since Mimi’s gonna lay something heavy on her. Just what unearned benefit will be bestowed on Milford’s self-anointed Greek chorus and righter of wrongs? Will Mimi finally acknowledge that her coaching skills are nonexistent beyond soothing words and hand over the reins to Mary Sue Karenna? Will she simply tell Corina she needs to split catching duties with the senior she pushed out from behind the plate? Or is it just time for Corina to pass on the communal pair of big round earrings to the next girl?

April 24, 2021

It’s the Latest, It’s the Greatest

There’s a place for you and a place for me,
it’s the local public library.
They have books and things that they lend for free
It’s the latest, it’s the greatest, it’s the library.

Educational, informational,
entertainment that’s sensational.
It’s a way of life, it’s for you and me
It’s the latest, it’s the greatest, it’s the library.

They have histories, they have mysteries
And for mothers, books of recipes
See a movie show, hear a symphony
It’s the latest, it’s the greatest, it’s the library

Not a song parody but an actual song. Originally written as a jingle for the New York Public Library. Dated lyrics but the sentiment is there.

Times are tough in the Clark household. Zane is having to share the family PC with his siblings, driving to the library (likely not in a car of his own, much less a Tri-Power Goat or Jeep) to use a PC, and cutting his own hair. Awfully nice of Katy Brito to cut her own hair in the dark in solidarity.

Credit where credit is due: Over the past several years Rubin’s done a fair job of working a lot of the same socioeconomic issues as the larger society into Milford. How he’s worked them in has been hit or miss, and the kids’ responses to the issues – from opioid addiction to the aftermath of Hurricane Maria to mental illness to alcoholism – have been as varied as kids are themselves. So far he’s made Zane into a fairly sympathetic character, and it’s unfortunate we’ll have to slog through six to eight weeks of designated red-ass Abel making things even more difficult for the kid before he has some sort of epiphany. I still think Abel’s getting pink-slipped before it’s all over.

April 23, 2021

Zane is not Abel

Filed under: freak hands, huge earrings, Pissy faced minor character — robmize2013 @ 11:59 am

So we find out at dinner that Zanes family cant afford cable. I digress…

In the summer of 1983 I went off to college and discovered cable for the first time, in my dorm room. So cool to watch tv without worrying about the antenna being juuuust so to optimize the picture. Plus I saw all those games I couldnt see before. Then when I got home from college later in the fall, I saw this black box on top of the TV downstairs. We had bought cable. Just on 1 TV. So I figured out that the tv had to be left on Channel 3 all the time if you wanted a picture, and all others would produce static. We also purchased HBO and Showtime so we could watch some movies. Back then of course, cable consisted of about 25 channels, but it was still way more then before, and I loved it. Im pretty sure we had the same box for 14 years. We actually ran the antenna into my bedroom so I could get a better signal on my Tv, but it was only regular channels there. The monthly cost was around $35.

Of course when we moved 14 years later we bought Jones Intercable, which became Comcast, and as cable technology improved so did the number of channels, and the cost. There were so many channels to watch movies that we dropped HBO and Showtime (which now have their own tier of channels). Satellite came along and offered their own cheaper alternatives, and finally after 34 years I dropped cable and switched to satellite. At the end the monthly cable bill was around $180, which included internet service. My promo period has since ended, but Im happy with what I have.

It was never something we couldnt afford, as we made sure we werent paying for the largest packages that we didnt need. But there are plenty of people that have cut the cord lately, as several alternatives besides sattelite have come up, like Hulu, Youtube TV, etc. So Zane has plenty of company in that regard.

So the point of this strip today is the library is useful for some people, and Abel should respect that. As far as 3 kids sharing 1 outdated PC, hey kid, in my day we had Zero PC’s. And we managed. We used something called an encyclopedia.

I’m sure the next step will be for Abel to join the library board. More chaos will ensue as he votes to cut down the number of PC’s resulting in Zane not having one when he needs one down the road.

I love Mrs. Britos earrings but really, how come everyone has the same style? Huge black and round. She also has changed her hair color already, from yellow to brown. Obviously someone didnt tell Whigham they use color in GoComics now.

And my god Zane– comb your hair before you come to the table. He looks like he just rolled outa bed.

April 22, 2021

Way To Be Tactful, Gruff Daddy.

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, Gil Thorp, huge earrings — tdrewhardin @ 1:09 pm

Gang, going down Memory Lane one more time, there was this scene in Wait ’til Your Father Gets Home where Harry Boyle gets Father of the Year at some organization meeting but his kids refuse to come to the banquet to honor him. After Harry finally puts his foot down, his daughter, Alice agrees to go but only in this outfit that is, shall we say, pretty revealing. She’s not terribly attractive and that just compounds the problem. It’s like watching someone in serious need of Weight Watchers displaying more under the hood than necessary. Don’t go to the banquet showing off that rusty radiator.

Well, Irma Boyle finally settles Harry down, a key perhaps in finding a solution to the impasse. She tells Harry to be tactful, something Harry agrees to but then when Alice walks in to join them for breakfast, Harry blurts out

IS MY FEMALE BURT REYNOLDS GOING TO CHANGE HER OUTFIT FOR THE BANQUET?

So why were we NOT surprised that not only are we getting needlessly sidetracked from Spring sports, Gruff Daddy wasn’t about to keep his word? Not that the smile by Mrs. Gruff Daddy wasn’t an indication that Jerry Lawler was going to go ahead and throw the Mrs.Reference Librarian through the ropes anyway even though Lance Russell made The King swear on a stack of Bibles that he’d be on his best behavior. Well, you know what they say, the best laid plans of Pro Wrestling and Spring sports do indeed get smashed into the turnbuckle.

C’mon, judging by the way Brito Butt is standing in P1, does anyone possibly interpret that to mean he’s going to be Ward Cleaver and talk about what Katy and Beaver have for homework? No sir, ol’ Ward Brito ain’t about to talk about who’s playing Kate in “Taming of the Shrew” although it came down to Katy (no relation) and Gruff Daddy. Only too much travel, especially to the Milford Public Library, kept the part from being awarded to Shrew Daddy.

And what the Hell is he doing standing there ANYWAY? Is he the dining room monitor? He has enough on his plate roaming the aisles of the library performing an audit on the number of National Geographic’s read off the magazine rack to even care how Mrs. Gruff Daddy sets the silverware. Does he give her demerits if she places the spoon on the wrong side of the tureen? Fines her every time she doesn’t place a napkin under the steak knife? And place that Coffee-Mate creamer next to the bowl of mashed potatoes or no TV tonight.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O. J. And Cochran Still In An Imbroglio With Judge Ito Over Community Service Sentencing!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I need to get my substitute teacher license to perform cafeteria duty. There’s a trick in motivating kids to putting their trays in the dispenser and throwing away their Ho Ho wrappers.”

Vaganova, I just gotta say this, I LOVE your take on the high school names. They did indeed sound like names that had to have come from somewhere. Your analysis is priceless. Keep it up, My Man.

Doncha just love the layout in P1? Chunky bracelets, flying saucers, and roses that call Gruff Daddy his proper due. Man, does the FTD Florist deliver hyacinths that yell “YOUR MOTHER SUCKS A GARDEN HOSE IN MILFORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!”? Maybe I don’t want to know. I was just being hypothetical. Don’t take me serious, Thorpiverse, and call Milford Florist for the truth. I can just see this same collection of roses, when no one is looking, in a tete-a-tete with Gruff Daddy

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone that you occasionally hump the coffee table because you have a severe case of jock itch.”

“You have 12 books overdue? It’ll be our little secret.”

“And they’re mostly Harlequin Romances? Mum’s the word. You’ve had to work lately, we roses understand.”

“And I won’t tell the Milford Bugle that you and Chet Ballard broke into Coach Thorp’s house to smear him by taking pictures of those Penthouse’s under his mattress.”

Gruff Daddy at the mercy of Wine and Roses, what a way to start off the Spring plot.

And in the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects, WHAT is to the left on the table? The vessel Gazoo utilizes when he drops into the Burrito residence unexpectedly? Did he fly through the chimney right before din-din? This ought to be interesting, Zane and Gazoo listening to Gruff Daddy bitching about the empty seats and replacing them with Milford Gaming Casino. You mean every day isn’t a holiday at Milford Public Library???? I don’t know, me and Gazoo think the microfiche of Milford History-The Roaring ’20’s After Harding Succumbed To A Heart Attack And Normalcy is the life of the party at any household, including yours. After you’ve monitored all the chunky bracelets, you might want to check it out.

If ya set the table with the sporks ya obtained at the 7-11 and the knives ya use ta cut yore hoses under the hood and use oil pans fer plates when ya run out of Chinet paper dishes, ya might be a redneck.

Oh, that’s a real conversation starter in P2. And then, to add insult to Gil, Gruffbudget is answering his own question in P3. Looks like this is going to be one Hell of a soliquy at the Brito household this evening. What’s he going to do when the conversation gets to the weather or the Cubs?

“Naw, Mr. Gruffbudget, I don’t think they should have traded for Sutcliffe. Joe Carter was great right-handed power and why trade him when you already have Reuschel?”

“Darling, everybody went home.”

Repeat after me, Rob will have my head, Rob will have my head…

And then there’s the enthymeme in P2. For all you lunkheads who slept through SAT prep class like Gil did before they shipped his ass to the Marines, an enthymeme is an argument that is basically understood because the missing premise can be easily thought out. And in this case, Gruffbudget is making the obvious assumption that when Zane shows up at the library to study when he’s not throwing rubber balls through the Goodyear flat tire in Gil’s back yard, he is the only one there. That’s right, Mr. Gruffbudget King of Enemas and Enthymemes, Zane sits with Casper and the rest of his ghoulies and studies quadratic equations together.

And what are you going to do, Mister Gruffbudget, get up from the table and waste much of the Spring plot (oh, that never happens around here, perish the thought) going over to see if anybody’s reading the latest issue of Mojo? You must be like Coach Thorp and have no life if you have this steno pad and write down the number of minutes that has expired until somebody pick’s up this month’s edition of the Saturday Evening Post. Well, gotta finish my plate of red roses and run. I need to do research on the usage of The Sporting News, going to the john and reading it not included. I will take into consideration that if the bathroom stinks out the wazoo, somebody’s really reading the articles. That’s a good sign.

So go on and check out to see if nobody’s there, especially if Zane is sitting across from you. We’ll keep the plate of roses warm.

YOU’RE GOING TO THE MILFORD ELKS EASTER BANQUET IN THAT OUTFIT???? I CAN SEE YOUR BOOBS CLEAR ACROSS THE LIVING ROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Mr. Dr. Pearl, there isn’t any reason to raise your voice. I can wear a shawl to cover them. It comes in the school colors.”

To quote Harry, Boy o Boy, have we hit the jackpot for Pantheon of Mysterious Objects in P2.

Start with Katy. Notice there is no Mysterious Objects by her person because there’s no objects, period. Evidently, Mrs. Gruffbudget was so caught up in Zane coming to dinner that she forgot she had a child of her own. Oh well, she can mooch that slab of white pancakes that Zane is consuming. Or is THAT Gazoo’s contraption? I’ll give the benefit of the doubt. You might want to pass that spatula to her that’s to your right. No sense in eating empty space or white flapjacks or T-bone steaks with your fingers. You just can’t drink out of the Zane’s sugar dispenser. You’ll have to get your own glass.

And what is on Mrs. Gruffbudget’s plate? By my reckoning, chocolate cake, cauliflower, and a roll. It’s comforting to know that SOME of the Food Groups are covered, although this dinner obviously wasn’t planned with Popeye in mind. And she rounds it out with Gallo Pink Chablis, how sexy. I tell you, I always drink a goblet of Martini & Rossi when I pop open that can of Popeye Spinach right before I go to bed particularly when the mood is inviting. Then there’s Mr. Griffbudget’s plate of roses. You keep ranting about enthymemes and vacant libraries, your plate of roses is going to get cold. What are you going to do, stick them in the microwave later?

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Cochran Brokers Agreement With Judge Ito Over O.J.’s Sentencing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I’ll go ahead and watch the teenagers at lunch if Judge Ito will drop the shoplifting of Popeye Spinach at Milford Pantry charge. It’s a win-win situation.”

And even if Gruff Daddy has a point and truthfully he does, the morsel he has impaled on his fork is a red herring if I ever saw one. Granted, my argument of “The Milford Public Library does not need staff cutbacks and I don’t think that’s a rose petal about to be consumed” would not be a valid one to say the least but the skewed piece of whatever is a distraction notwithstanding. Did Mrs. Gruffbudget dump a portion of Ken L Ration Chunky Beef when he wasn’t looking? I think the overindulgence of Campell’s Chunky Chicken is affecting Gruffbudget’s judgment. Use a spoon, Gruffbudget, you’ll want to get EVERY drop of those draconian measures you may be attempting to put into play. And be careful getting any Campell’s Chunky Clam Chowder on your mustache. You wouldn’t want to look unintimidating.

The point is, while his arguments are valid, I shudder to think what he has in mind to make Milford Public Library a mean lean fighting machine. Will somebody paroled from Milford Mimimum Security man the Checkout Desk to save on paying a full-time staff member? Honestly, I can’t see Mr. Bader checking out my latest Maeve Binchy or Amy Tan. You’ll have to bring your own toilet? Hey, that’ll save a bundle on the plumbing. Charge for entering the magazine room? I dunno, they’ll just go down to Milford Newstand and read off the shelves without paying like the other deadbeats at the establishment. What are you going to do, Gruffbudget, have Free Friday and have everybody pile into the room to read Variety or Newsweek because they don’t want to pay during the remainder of the week? Egg all over your face and it’s not coming from your wife’s plate this time.

“And we’ll be back for the conclusion of Pink Floyd’s Tear Down The Wall Concert Live at Milford Public Library on Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert. This is WDIG-TV.”

“Golly Gee, I hope they don’t tear down all the library. I know they were desperate for funds and had to rip out a section to pay the sewage bill which was in arrears for several months because I did check out Milford Golf Monthly once a month.

But enough about Black Oak Arkansas busting their guitars so the Milford Public Library can restructure that same wall through a bond issue. Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage and, Folks, did you see what was eaten at the Brito domicile? I just turn my head in shame when I see Mrs. Gruffbudget eating Betty Crocker Bundt Cake and scrambled eggs off her plate. With a cinnamon roll? You gotta be kidding me.

If she had been the wise grocery shopper that she presumably makes herself out to be, she would have stocked on Gil Thorp Pure Pork Mild ‘n’ Steamy to grace her dinner table this evening. As long as she had dinner and breakfast in reverse order, she could have added a healthy helping of Gil Thorp Bourbon-Smoked Bacon Slabs to the plate and I bet ol’ Gruffybudget would stop bitching about the ozone layer, the Palestinian question, the four color map problem, Rubik’s cube, the Shroud of Turin or whether the Cubs should go the free agent route for left-handed middle relief, let alone low numbers in the Non-Fiction aisles at the library. Sausage and bacon can stop a lot of controversy dead in its tracks.

And why is Katy left out of this soup kitchen? If Mrs. Gruffbudget had been paying attention, Katy would be stuffing herself with Gil Thorp Hot ‘n’ Stinky Italian Sausage and French Toast, replete with Aunt Jemima Maple Syrup Packets. Ummmmmmm, ummmmmm, nothing like melt-in-your-mouth sausage while you’re listening to your dad prate on and on about how he’s going to send the reference librarian to the guillotine.

Then there’s Mrs. Gruffbudget’s hosting methods which leave a lot to be desired. Now who would serve a teenager like Zane a gigantic Oreo White Chocolate cookie? Mrs. Gruffbudget must have stuffed more in the parking meter than at the store. It shows. Dump the Oreo concept and send it back to the Keebler elves and get some real food like Gil Thorp Smokehouse Rib Tipped Dutch Oven Baked Kettle Cooked Mild Sausage Links. I guarantee you, watch ol’ Zane chow down on that and Gil Thorp Pure Smoked Grits. He’ll gladly listen to Mr. Butthead ramble about Zane’s non-existence at the Library tonight. Shoot, he’ll be so energized, he won’t need a tire, more like a Black Hole to pitch strikes. But that’s the coach in me talking, I suppose.

Then there’s Mrs. Gruffbudget’s plate. She not only has failed at shopping and hosting, she can’t cook worth a crap either. Did she stick her Cream of Wheat in the microwave too long? And serve that with Ore-Ida Raw Potato and wedding cake? Her head’s not in the game on this one. Why not rustle up a batch of Gil Thorp Sage ‘n’ Spicy Sausage to complement the over-nuked Cream of Wheat and salvage dinner? Her quality of life would improve and her husband might actually get a job. Normalcy might return to the Brito household. Save the cake for dessert, not as a conversation piece.

But you can save yourself the trouble that Mrs. Gruffbudget has brought on herself and get a package of Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage today. The way Mrs. Gruffbudget has it figured, some Tennessee Pride Mild, a loaf of bread, and thou by my side makes for a complete life. Hey, if you think Tenneesee Pride is something to be served when you elope, more power to you but until then, come try Gil Thorp Pure Pork Products for all your dinners and breakfasts and everything in between.”

No Gang, you can’t have my Oreo cookie. I was going to use for a welcome mat for my front door later. But God bless you anyway, Gang.

At the Milford Comedy Club

“…l look like, a reference librarian who got constipated from Cream of Wheat????”

Some heckler trying to be nice in the front row

“Not even remotely funny, Coach.”

“Yeah?????? Well, your mother drives a pickle wagon and eats rose petals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

THE SOFTBALL TEAM IS GOING TO WEAR THOSE UNIFORMS????? THEY MIGHT AS WELL BE ON STAGE AT MILFORD GIRLS-A-GO-GO CLUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Gil, we’re in the mall.”

April 14, 2021

Don’t Worry, Luhm, Zane Isn’t Horning In on Your Turf

Okay, so the young lady with the tendrils hanging down isn’t a teacher but a fellow student, Priya (no last name yet), and this isn’t an academic class but a senior class meeting. I don’t recall what gets done in these meetings: cap and gown ordering, picking a class song or theme, deciding who’s “most likely to succeed” or “wittiest” or some other “superlative,” choosing a class trip and a prom theme, etc., usw. Really, just a bunch of stuff to pad your resume when applying to colleges, and there’s always that kid who takes it just a little too seriously and makes it uncomfortable for most everyone else involved. Here, Priya is that kid.

Among the suddenly dumped upon us exposition is that Zane has somehow managed to get himself elected senior class vice president. With everything that’s going on at home it’s hard to imagine how he would’ve run for and, if he won, agreed to serve in that role. Maybe that it serves as another form of therapy is what kept Zane from going all General Sherman on the Milford High Class of 2021.

Obviously Katy Brito doesn’t care if Priya’s nose is out of joint. Nor does Zane for that matter. Only When Abel Brito Charlie Delta sticks his nose in will things get truly snippy.

April 6, 2021

Brito, Unfiltered

See Abel Brito.

See Abel Brito’s tiny body.

See Abel Brito’s tiny briefcase.

See Abel Brito’s tiny bolero jacket.

See Abel Brito’s huge ego.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Abel Brito?

We saw yesterday that Abel Brito is just a step or two behind the times when it comes to internet connectivity and the finer points of working remotely. Maybe even more than a step or two, since he feels the need to print out his work. Good thing Dr. Pearl with a dye job is there to tell him where the printer is. (What? You can’t tell me that’s not Dr. Pearl with a dye job! Things are tough all over, especially since the Milford School Board froze faculty and staff salaries a couple of years ago.) She didn’t tell him how much it costs to print; prolly 5 or 10 cents a copy but free for Milford Library Board members. He did hear there’s a vacancy on the Library Board, didn’t he?

Abel Brito might be a step or two behind the times when it comes to teenage relationships, too. He’s obviously not happy about his daughter Katy’s dating Zane Clark. Can’t be ’cause the kid is a slacker; he’s hard at work at that very same library Abel’s forcing himself to use. Must be because of his home life, some aspect of which must be making Zane unworthy of his daughter. Wouldn’t it be convenient if the Library Board found a way to keep kids from spending too much time at the library, forcing them to, I dunno, study at home?

meta: Thanks @tdrewhardin for covering for me on Saturday’s post.

March 24, 2021

If There’s a Celebration at The Bucket and There’s No One There to Hear It, Does It Make a Sound?

Boy that was some post-game celebration, huh? Weren’t you just waiting for Corina to go off the rails on Tessi’s lack of defensive skills then throw a milkshake at her? Yeah, me too. This chipper demeanor and lack of a salty comeback to even the most innocent of questions makes me think that she’s been secretly replaced with Folger’s Crystals…

… except that the question here may not be so innocent. Doug Guthrie has been one of the biggest red herrings in a Gil Thorp arc in recent memory. All that car talk – the hot-ass Tri-Power GTO, the speeding through Milford in a Jeep only to be let off the hook by a cop because his old man teaches pursuit driving skills to the Milford blues, the kart racing that took precedent over playing basketball until it didn’t – where did it all lead to? The Mudlark boys sucked no matter if Doug suited up or not. So how, exactly, does Chekhov’s Gearhead fit into this plot?

His “devious conspiracy” probably has little to do with rigging elections, kidnapping governors or spiking the water supply. No, most likely Doug’s gonna get Corina to take Vic Doucette out on a pre-prom date to get his tux fitted while Doug and his dad pimp Vic’s ride. Just how much pimpin’ can get done during that time remains to be seen.

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