This Week in Milford

July 13, 2020

Predictable, That’s The Word Of The Day

Filed under: Bare Midriffs, Chunky Bracelets, Gil Thorp, huge earrings, Mimi Thorp — nedryerson @ 7:44 am

Summer has officially arrived. We survived a plot that nobody wants to think about ever again, so we cleanse our palates with a cool, refreshing beverage on the deck at the Thorp house. This event is so predictable that Mimi calls out its predictable nature in the text. Wow, that’s like, meta.

Gil is as predictable as the strip named for him. He knows it and Mimi knows it. Ah, but Gil has a trick up his sleeve. He’s mixed iced tea into the official beverage of the Thorp deck, lemonade, to make Arnold Palmers. (Is Gil already thinking of golf? Probably. He is so predictable.)

I don’t mind an Arnold Palmer, but I am a dedicated drinker of iced tea. We don’t know Mimi’s stance on iced tea. (Have they ever drank iced tea in Gil Thorp, Long Island notwithstanding? I haven’t a clue.) If Mimi is not into iced tea, perhaps an Arnold Palmer to her is a ruined glass of lemonade. Maybe Gil is about to get a pitcher of Arnold Palmers dumped on his head. That would be unpredictable, but…

We’ve got to ease into a new plot with some characters we can’t identify. We have two young women, one who wants to sleep in and one who needs her “bestie” to get her downtown. (Do kids use the term bestie and do they actually address friends thusly? I’m clueless here too.)

So the bestie that’s all ready to go (Earrings: check. Bracelets: check. Bare midriff: check.) has presumably passed through a parental checkpoint and proceeded straight to her bestie’s bedroom. I can’t help but image an Eddie Haskell like conversation in the foyer. “Is Bestie up? No, well Mrs. Bestie, I shall rouse her so that she shan’t tarry in bed all summer. All my best to Mr. Bestie!” Maybe kids just barge into each other’s homes these days. (Clueless.)

The word predictable immediately brings to mind this Kinks song from the dawn of the MTV era. Maybe this era of Kinks pales in comparison to the genius songwriting of the 60s/early 70s. This song is a little trite, I guess, but I have a soft spot for that period when aging sixties acts tried their hand at updating sounds and making videos to appeal to new audiences.

May 25, 2020

Don Ducking Gil?

Filed under: Gil Thorp, huge earrings — nedryerson @ 10:01 am

The Mayor is getting acclimated at his new school. He’s got a crew now and he’s trying to guess why they’re there at Valley Modified. It’s a tradition not to ask.

What is foreground girl doing there? Did she set fire to the cafeteria at Tilden? Did she pull a gun on her trigonometry teacher at New Thayer? Was she slinging disco biscuits at Madison? Don’t ask. She’ll tell you.

Back at Milford High, Don Rooney has been avoiding Gil. Most faculty at Milford avoid Gil because he usually approaches them for favors that involve them doing Gil’s job for him. Don seems to be avoiding the wrath of Gil over the butter knife incident. HE really thinks he’s on Gil’s “list” because of that? What a joke.

Maybe if you read between the lines, Gil is a little steamed that Don Rooney didn’t nip The Mayor’s stupid antics in the bud by shutting him down before the butter knife appeared. Maybe I’m inserting that myself because I think I kid sitting in class and pulling bento boxes and tea services out of his backpack is disruptive and shouldn’t be tolerated. The absurdity of the zero tolerance policy just makes the situation too messy to really assign blame to anyone in particular. I blame the system!

May 21, 2020

“No, I’m Doing Time For Stealing Keri’s Lunch Money.”

 

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Well, we have no choice

Be with girls and boys

That stirred some noise

Cuz they stole Gil’s toys

 

Well, we can’t salute Gil

He’s not around

If that don’t suit ya

Get outta town

 

School’s in for summer

School’s in forever

School’s been changed to prison

 

Okay, you whippersnappers, I love your music and always have but doncha dare touch Alice Cooper. Vintage, Baby. “Billion Dollar Babies”, “Love it to Death”, “Killer”, I’m tellin’ ya, I could go on. His Christian beliefs are a bonus and I mean the man LIVES the faith. Great musician and he is a testimony to all around, I’m in Heaven.

 

So now The Mayor gets dropped off and I’m sure he’s a little uneasy and who can blame him? Would you want YOUR mom going to the administration wing of Milford Reformatory and tell the lady at the desk she wants to get you enrolled? Oh, sure, here’s his birth certificate and his test scores from Milford Elementary. He might have to take Algebra again, he was having trouble with direct proportion. Yes, I can fax you his physical from our doctor. And he has to be passing in 4 solid subjects to be on the team? I’ll make a note of it. I’ll get a tutor for him in Modern Vocab. And call me if his grades are slipping.

 

While “Moanin'” is blasting from Charles Mingus off of “Blues and Roots” out of Dr. Pearl’s 8-track player

GODDAMIT!!!!! HIS REFORM SCHOOL RECORD IS SOMEWHERE ON THE DESK!!!! I THOUGHT IT WAS UNDER THE MILFORD PEST CONTROL INVOICE!!!!!!!!!

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Yes?”

Coach Kaz opens the door

“Uh, Dr. Pearl, could you have the Pest Control guy do some extra spraying under the map of Slovakia? I saw a hornet’s nest.”

 

And conceding that moping wasn’t getting him anywhere, who wants to go to a school that supposedly calls itself Valley Alternative when the sign up front appears to read Goshen? As in Goshen Institute for Wayward Children? Goshen Treatment Center for Problem Students? By gum, if we can’t break him of his habit of bringing Chinet Plastic Knives to school, he deserves to share the lavatory with Papa Bader.

And coming from an engineering family (grandpa worked for Chrysler and G.E.) , I love math. And math involves fallacies in certain arguments. Like “post hoc ergo propter hoc”. This literally (everything is Latin henceforth) means “after this, therefore because of this” or loosely translated “I ain’t got no goddam business at a school that can’t even label its marquee board correctly”. This argument suffers from saying that B occurs whenever A occurs, therefore A causes B.

That won’t wash because B could occur for a number of reasons having nothing to do with A. B could be caused by Z or M or omega or Dr. Pearl’s Dentu-Cream. Proper research is in order.

The Mayor getting sent to Gil’s Reformatorium is a classic case of “post hoc ergo propter hoc.” Just because a common table knife was discovered in The Mayor’s locker does not necessarily mean it belongs to The Mayor, a point I’m sure Hadley Varnish will hit home at the District Board meeting. It could have been used by Coach Shaw to rob the Milford 7-11 to get some cash and condoms. The need for some chump change and no more children from his horny wife got to be too much, evidently. But he had to stash the evidence or it would blow his cover as a cameo coach.

The Bucket could have used his locker for table knives because the dispenser had to be sterilized and stacking them next to his street clothes and his table d’hote was about as sanitary an alternative as anyone could get. They just forgot to get all the knives when Milford Sanitary Enterprises returned the machine after a thorough dousing of suds.

And really, you could extend “post hoc ergo propter hoc” to The ‘Mudlark Whiffleball’  bumper sticker on Mama Knappe’s minivan was not necessarily a direct result of Gil’s coaching.” For all we know, Gil could have been trying to golf one out of the sand trap at Milford Public Golf Course when The Mayor parked one in the stands and won MVP as a result. Making Mama proud and getting on the green to save par don’t always correlate.

 

No more baseball

No more knives

No more living

A Mudlark’s life

 

Gil is past due

Out to pasture

Gone to Hole 9

Plot’s much faster

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Gil’s Reformatorium For Discarded Plotline Characters To Construct An Extension Onto The Student Life Section!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Studies indicate a growing need for a building concentrating on meeting needs of ex-petty larceny contingent.”

 

And many of you simply fail to understand Fallacy of Division. This is totally different from Fallacy of Composition. Don’t get them confused. Fallacy of Composition states that if one’s a bum, they’re all bums.

Let’s bring it close to home. Say I throw out “Marty Moon wears a goatee and is a snake in the grass, therefore all men who wear goatees are cowardly, yellow-bellied vipers and only foot odor smell worse than their ethics. You can’t spray Dr. Scholl on Marty’s broadcasting techniques or the persona of other men who broadcast or perform white-collar duties or otherwise punch a time clock to earn a paycheck.”

This is faulty reasoning. If that were true, Magic Johnson would have been spraying liberally when he wasn’t executing the 3-on-2 against the Celtics at the LA Forum. Charles Mingus would be slithering around the studio while trying to play bass on “Better Git It In Your Soul”. Gil would be banging Mimi 24/7 in the closet when the kids were away at summer camp. Gil’s ethics, work or otherwise, may be shaky but for now just assume there’s nothing but coats and hangers in the closet. And that Gil displayed a goatee at one time just to aid and abet in this argument. You’ll just have to use your imagination.

Fallacy of Division IS JUST THE OPPOSITE. PLEASE keep that in mind so that when you’re taking the exam, you don’t miss the question and flunk the course and wind up sitting behind The Mayor in Intro to Sociology at Goshen Alternative Life Skills Academy.

Fallacy of Division says that if the whole group is one way, then the individual members are too. If that were true, Band of Gypsies, the classic by Jimi Hendrix, would have relegated him, Buddy Miles on drums, and Billy Cox on bass to nomadic status. They played music, not wandered the Mojave Desert with a caravan of Joe Tourists and Joe Gypsies.

Therefore, when Gil called The Mayor an idiot, he committed a most grievous error. Yes, Gil, I’ll concede that you’ve assembled a whole baseball team of idiots because, as Coach Stuard taught me, the coach is the tree and the players are the branches and if the coach is an idiot, well, Gil, do you expect the team to subsequently play smart and hard? Well?

STILL, with that said, if the team is composed of many garbage men, does that make The Mayor an employee for Milford Sanitary Engineering Solutions, Inc.? Well, you don’t see a garbage can lid in P2, do you? He didn’t ride to work in a garbage truck with “Milford Baseball Mom” bumper sticker on the back of the vehicle.

Therefore, assume that if The Mayor ever asks the lady at the desk where the dumpster is, he is

A) Throwing away a Twinkie wrapper and a Diet Coke can

B) Attempting to ditch this inane plot

C) Has to take a leak BEHIND the dumpster because the toilets in the boy’s room at Gil’s Reformatorium are out of order

D) All of the above

 

If ya got ta go ta reform school cuz ya could only repeat 5th grade so many times and the Milford District Board ruled ya ran past the Statute uv Limitations, ya might be a redneck.

 

 

Alice Cooper, accompanied by the Milford Elementary School 4th Grade Choir and Tonette Band

 

Now we’re stuck in class

There isn’t any teachers

And there isn’t any principal

No coach with bouncy skunk-black hairrrrr

 

School’s in for summer

School’s in forever

School will bore me to pieces

 

What? Dr. Pearl’s daughter is involved in a career in education TOO? She has that beehive right down to the yarmulke. But it looks like Dr. Pearl Junior applied some Grecian Formula for Women. Dr. Pearl evidently is allergic to it. No worries, Dr. Pearl. Polar bear hair is sexy, according to this article in National Geographic.

That said, Dr. Pearl Jr. couldn’t cut it in real estate? The career in cosmetology at Milford Beauty School fell through? The earrings weren’t chunky enough, I reckon, although they probably didn’t grade on a curve on her Show-and-Tell portion of the final exam if P2 is any indication. Because she didn’t apply enough Afro-Sheen to Mimi’s hair, Mimi looked like Billie Holiday as a Milford Cafeteria Lady, so Dr. Pearl Jr.’s kismet became the lead woman at the Information Desk at Goshen Valley School for Mudlark Retreads. I’ll bet there’s plenty of room for advancement.

 

Another fallacy is the Ad Populum Argument. This commits the fallacy of believing something because many or all of the people endorse that particular concept (“according to the people”) . This is a dangerous line of reasoning as we could be swayed to certain actions against our better judgment. Just because the Gallup Polls reported that 83% of the population read Gil Thorp and opine that he is 10 times better than Barney Google even if in the end they use the comic section to scoop up the dog poop/droppings in the hamster cage doesn’t mean we should go down to PetSmart and buy a beagle. Don’t base your decision to buy a litter box because the Milford Enquirer said that Gil was better than reading the Horoscope. An appeal to sound rhetoric is the higher road to pursue.

 

Gang, remember the Night Gallery episode “The Academy” where Pat Boone plays a slightly cold-hearted parent who is seriously considering sending his problem child to a military school run by a general, played by Leif Erickson (Larry Linville, who played Major Burns on M*A*S*H* for years, plays one of the cadets) ? The chiller is that this is no ordinary military school. Pat Boone recognizes some of the cadets who are well in their 30’s and 40’s after they got in trouble at school or with the law when they were teenagers and were eventually sentenced to this school. The fact they’re still doing drill is the overriding concern but the clincher is this statue of Erickson’s character with his arm around a boy. The general is pointing TOWARDS the school, not out towards the world with a “Go West, Young Man” flavor to it. Juvenile delinquents sent to a correctional facility are trapped when they become adults.

So when The Mayor gets dumped onto Boys Town-Goshen Valley Extension, it’s bad enough, as Teenchy mentioned, that chemical symbols are written in Aramaic somewhere across the Tigris-Euphrates but you hope to God there isn’t this statue of Gil with his arm around The Mayor out by the entrance. You pray Gil is pointing towards the Milford High School Baseball Facility, if nothing else.

And what the Hell could this kid be thinking when he asks a question like that in P3? Does he think The Mayor cruised around town with Al Capone? Sure, Al had a machine gun, The Mayor had a table knife when confronting The Sopranos.

“No, but I drove the getaway car when they held up Milford Federal Credit Union last week.”

Keep pointing towards the school, Gil. The Mayor might graduate by the time he’s eligible for Social Security.

 

Booby Howry uncovers his latest billboard

“Clarabelle the Clown uses a Poulan Weed Trimmer when manicuring his lawn. Shouldn’t you?”

 

I don’t think Booby’s latest offering will get him in trouble with Gil but definitely Booby is most definitely committing the Fallacy of Argument from Authority. Now if Clarabelle the Clown squirts his tears all over the Mudlark gym, Clarabelle the C is on Gil’s shit list but the billboard, though flawed, won’t draw Gil’s ire.

 

“And we’ll be back to see if The Mayor jumps the wall at The Academy or is forced to clean 500 rifles if he’s caught after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

“I hated to expel Mike from Milford High School. Lord knows he was like a son to me. I hadn’t been this close to someone like him since The Flapper Days.

And then there’s all the restaurants closing due to the pandemic. People just aren’t going to jump in the station wagon and overindulge at the buffet table at Milford Ponderosa.

And Milford Funeral Solutions recognizes that. They know they can’t stop death but they can help a brother in need. That’s why Milford Funeral Solutions is more than happy to announce that they are teaming up with Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen Inc. to aid a restaurant beaten and robbed on its way to Jericho. Lord knows that Milford Funeral Solutions may need Popeyes cooler section should there be an oversupply of caskets.

And to prove that death is always in demand, if your loved one dies and you hold the viewing and the service by the end of May, Popeyes will throw in a 10-Piece Mixed Chicken Special, complete with 10 Hand-Dipped Chicken Tenders and 5 Biscuits. If you can perform the cremation by the same date, Popeyes will add 2 sides. Throwing ashes in Mudlark Lake and Macaroni and Cheese, a winning combination. My husband partook of Hush Puppies when they scattered his grandfather.

Some of you encountered multiple deaths in the family. When grandmothers from both sides of the family give up their spirits at the Milford Convalescent Center, you don’t want to be malnourished after the priest reads the Last Rites. That’s why a White Meat to Celebrate Life Special is such a welcome relief. And Popeyes will spice up the festivities with Buffalo Wings if they donated their bodies to science. You can be assured that while you’re devouring your White Breast Meat and Cole Slaw that your loved one donated his or her kidney or heart so that that person’s own Celebration of Life gets postponed until their Meaning of Life is fulfilled.

Can’t afford funeral expenses? Not a problem. Milford Funeral Solutions and Popeyes will hold a raffle for 10 lucky contestants. The winner of the drawing will hear “Shall We Gather at the River” for the dearly departed while enjoying a 4-Pack Chicken Sandwich and Potato Fries Combo. We ask that you don’t slurp your Orange Crush during the proceedings out of respect for the dead.

Come to Milford Funeral Solutions and experience Christian charity at its finest. As Paul said in 1st Corinthians, there’s 3 things we need to abide by, Faith, Hope, and Charity. But the greatest of them all is a Popeyes Bucket Fill-Up. Heaven will never be the same.”

 

Gang, you mean the world to me. God bless you all.

 

At the District Board hearing, a concerned parent comes to the podium to voice his concerns

“…and furthermore, anybody who dips her beehive in a tub of Grecian Formula-Phosphate Free and Prell and Quaker State is not fit to be an administrator of Milford High School…”

Hey, best case of committing the Ad Hominem (“To the man”) Fallacy I’ve seen so far. He’ll probably have to restructure his argument should there be an appeal.

 

School’s in for the summer

School’s in forever

School’s IN, OH MY GOODNESS

 

“…where the students don’t matriculate but rather, are marooned. We call this painting ‘Milford High School’. And this is…The Night Gallery.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 16, 2020

Universal Copout

gt05162020

Gentle readers, have we ever heard of Valley Modified before today? I really wanted to work it into a song parody but it’s really late in the day and song parodies aren’t really my turf anymore.

Valley Mod
He’s a Valley Mod
Valley Mod
He’s a Valley Mod
Okay, fine
Fer sure, fer sure
He’s a Valley Mod
I ain’t got no more

No, instead I wanna focus on who appears to be yet another crappy lawyer in Milford. She must be with the same firm where Del Bader retained counsel. With that “you can’t beat City Hall” attitude, this stiff must be on the Milford School Board’s payroll .Hell, in my last post I alluded to the fact that there have been successful challenges to school zero-tolerance policies; here’s one from 2009, for example. Zero-tolerance policies are in retreat around the country, as there are studies that have found they don’t make schools safer and disproportionately single out students of color.  Hadley V. needs to come back to town and carve Dr. Pearl a new one. (See what I did there?)

The Mayor looks like he might be cooking up some ideas of his own. Behind those cracked knuckles lies the glare of a hardened criminal. Sure he’ll get a job – one like Martin Blank‘s.

 

May 14, 2020

Kids Flash Guitars Just Like #2 Pencils.

051420

Gang, you’re gonna hate me but I had to insert another Springsteen dig, given the situation. Really, if that dude in P1 is threatening me with a welder’s pencil the way he would advertise Ban Roll-On Unscented or the present writing weapon on the screen, ain’t no way I’m not giving him all my lunch money. Just leave some change so I can purchase a Ho Ho. Energy food for afternoon Physics Lab.

Teenchy brought up yesterday breaking the Fourth Estate. If that Che Guevara wannabe isn’t looking through me as if I wasn’t there, he must be targeting some CIA agent out of the movie Topaz. Hitchcock comes to Milford, what a treat. Does Gil play one of the spies from the Commie side lying his way out of a paper bag? Par for the course. But do that for the OTHER side, Thorp, not while you’re flashing that MTV logo on your shirt like switchblades. And to think, The Mayor could get exonerated if that CIA agent can get on Cuban Airlines and wind up at Milford International with those photos he took of Bahia de los Cochinos or Bay of Pigs, if you need it translated in Gilspeak.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Scares Off Burglar At His Condo With His Guitar He Received At Easter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“That punk took one look at my Barney Kessel Signature Gibson Special and he ran off towards the woods.”

 

Uh oh, looks like Thorpiverse is fomenting a rebellion in the hallways of Milford High School. Anytime you have Jiffy Pop Head’s brother and the ’70’s Burger King kid blindly devoted to a kid who threatens anybody who dares cross his path to the foreign language lab and brandishes the Papermate to show that he means business, you know La Revolucion del Mundo is just a Dr. Pearl perm away from going full bore. Can’t wait for the sequel.

 

If ya use a Flair Highlighter Yella ta poke out an 8-point’s eyeball during bow season, then use the same implement ta wipe yore butt in the gulley so that ya keep it proper, ya might be a redneck.

 

You old-timers can relate. It was that kid who said everything twice to apparently drive home the point that Whoppers were better than Big Mac’s. So the kid would say

“Double the meat

Double the meat”

 

“Great to eat

Great to eat”

 

“Zebras do better in bed than Gil

Zebras do better in bed than Gil”

 

As Bugs Bunny used to say, this means war. Boy o boy, The 4-Eyed Doppelganger Kid,  a kid whose related to Orville Redenbacher through his hairline, Elmer Fudd (gotta have the shotgun to hunt wabbits, Dr. Pearl, and the District Board, the latter two a little more difficult to hunt because neither live in wabbit holes) , Yosemite Sam, Foghorn Leghorn, the Jets and the Sharks (“We’re gonna get her toniiiiiggghhhhhhtttttt”) , Sylvester and Tweety Bird and The Man Who Loved Pencil Dancing all engaged, ready for war. As Patton said once “God,  I love a battle”.

 

“But you play a shitty schedule

But you play a shitty schedule”

 

“Gil, how long are you going to be involved with Milford Big Brothers Program?”

 

And one more thing. Is that a map of Antarctica in the background? Boy, this strip is full of imagination in terms of background material. Nothing is more comforting than to watch General George Patton and General Omar Bradley map out strategy on how to overtake Messina when you already have Antarctica in the bag.

 

So let’s revamp Patton’s pep talk at the beginning of the movie and see if we can get a little inspiration

“…and another thing, if we’re going to attack the enemy, I don’t want any asshole dying for his or her high school. Let that ignorant whore and her District Board die for their own high school. We are Mudlarks and we will engage in battle, ready to kill. We will not be like Gil who sided with the Germans and started their own high school because he wouldn’t do any coaching. Personally, I’d piss on his shuffleboard in the gym because he was involved in a tournament with the Third Reich. Let me tell you, I never admired a Mudlark who lost and laughed. Gil can do that at the Dart Round Robin in Munich with those Austrian Fascists at some tavern around Oktoberfest. We are Americans. We are Mudlarks. Anything else and you can have your curlers done and sit with Dr. Pearl while that Commie bastard turns on her country and has her nails done. We will give the Germans and the District Board a lesson they will never forget. Their flag will burn for all eternity and Gil will coach in Milford Optimist League where his mental stature is better suited. That is all.”

 

And the conflict is beginning to heat up. Marcia, Jan, and Cindy have gotten in on the act and anything involving The Brady Bunch and you better have the right stuff. I don’t really know how they’re going to organize the walkout but when they threatened that stuff on the show, we never saw it either. We just assumed Marcia was telling the truth when she said that Dr. Pearl backed down after Marcia called her a miserable flippant bitch and would have to face Hadley V. if Dr. Pearl continued her pursuit on the matter. I always loved it when Greg Brady was playing, say, baseball and they would show a few scenes then later Greg and family would enter the kitchen and talk about his game like it was the Yankees winning it all in ’56. So when you see a few esoteric scenes of Hadley V. and the District Board throwing grenades at each other, just let your mind run wild when Jan, Marcia, Cindy speaking of the affair like it was The Battle of the Bulge. Sure, Jan, Eisenhower sent his whole damn ETO operation into the District Board meeting to reinstate The Mayor. There were tanks all around the building. The Germans and Dr. Pearl never stood a chance. Oh, and you kissed Ike on the head on V-Day, Marcia. Darn, it’s a crying shame The Brady Bunch was only a half hour long. I would have loved for you to expand on this love shack.

And how do you organize a protest like this? If Jan, Marcia, and Cindy sit on the railroad tracks of the Milford & Oakwood Express, I’d say we’re carrying the issue a bit to the extreme. Block the way to the barber shop where Gil cuts his hair? Well, it’s for a good cause anyway.

 

At the Milford High School cafeteria at 6:15AM

 

“Cafeteria’s closed. Don’t let anyone in after 6:00AM. We’ll have them fighting like students. Dr. Pearl won’t know what hit her.”

“Yes sir.”

“Oh, and by the way, helmets are mandatory from now on.”

“We don’t wear helmets, General.”

“Start.”

“It’s hard to wear over our hair nets.”

“Then cut two holes and use hair sanitizer. C’mon, Bradley, let’s see what those ignorant German bastards did in the art department.”

 

“He used Kingsford Charcoal on his face and lit a match

He used Kingsford Charcoal on his face and lit a match”

“Now, Son, be nice. That’s not how we treat our guest. Offer him some Zippo Lighter Fluid and open the conversation.”

 

Will somebody in the Milford High School Art class quit drawing disgusted students with the system displaying disfigured faces? Yes, we know The Mayor is pretty friggin’ disillusioned with the system right now but it isn’t necessary to draw the dude straight out of Mask. Does this mean the more injustice that gets heaped on him, the uglier he gets? If this District Policy is allowed to drag along, we could have his face in Towering Inferno mode with his jaw several feet below Death Valley. A frown and a few surly comments will drive home the message.

And I love it that Mrs. Krappy mentioned the lawyer is a “she”. Uh oh. Hadley V. could be coming back now that JaQuan is on hiatus. Well, sure, Hadley V. calling Dr. Pearl Granny Clampett who soaks her dentures in chicken gizzards is better than Hadley V. with her spectacles up her butt with nothing to do. God, I’d hate to replace a draggy plotline with another of equal caliber but this Rent-a-Lawyer-for-Random-Plot may prove tiresome. I don’t want nobody pulling the switch on The Mayor when he’s in the chair either but Thorpiverse’s imagination appears to be confined to Baxendale’s air-conditioned office. Oh, I forgot, air-conditioning isn’t District Policy. We have a plot. Problem solved.

 

“…get these players out on the field. We won’t have the City of Milford subsidizing yellow-bellied cowards and-Soldier, what’s your problem?”

“Nerves, sir. I just can’t take it anymore. When I see The Mayor in a world of hurt, I just lose it…”

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU’RE GOING TO WUSS OUT IN FRONT OF THE DISTRICT BOARD AT THIS MOST CRITICAL TIME???? I OUGHTA SEND YOU TO THE FIRING LINE AND HAVE ROMMEL SHOOT YOUR YELLOW-BELLIED ASS!!!!!!!!!!!! GENERAL BRADLEY, WHAT’S THIS SOLDIER’S NAME????

“Private First Class Gilberto Thorp, George.”

 

“And we’ll be back for the exciting conclusion of Patton where Gil jumps over to General Montgomery’s command after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

“Honnnnnnneeyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyy. It’s time to come to beddyyyyyyyyy-bbbyyyyyy.”

Coach Shaw playing “Todd Rundgren’s Utopia” while the den is dead-bolted

“I can’t, Honey. The Mayor of Milford has issued a limited-contact order and to be wearing a mask at all times to practice social distance during the COVID-19 pandemic.”

“Lovey-Dovey, you just got a clean bill of health from the doctor this week.”

“Bloopy-doopy-doo, I won’t screw, you can never be too careful. My whim whim has a mask around it to ward off against the virus. One cell in my pecker and I’ll be down with The Plague.”

“Honeyyyyyyyyy, open the door, use a switchblade on your peenie covering and come on down and do what ya gotta do. You won’t get sick from being a man.”

“Sugar, Sugar, ahhh, Honey, Honey, the angel of the Lord just declared my pecker wasn’t worth a thing, the galaxy is null and void and so is sex.”

“Lovey-Dovey, that’s not ‘Utopia’, that’s Rundgren’s ‘Hermit of Mink Hollow’. And you’re going to be a hermit if you don’t pry open this deadbolt and get it on in the morning.”

 

When she knew Todd Rundgren’s discography better than me, it was time to take a chance that I wasn’t going to get hit with Venereal Disaese or COVID-19 and come down to Milford Men’s Clinic. With proven treatment programs and proper medications, the Clinic won’t leave you sore. Isn’t it time you said ‘Hello, It’s Me’ to your wife and really mean it? Come down to Milford Men’s Clinic and ‘See the Light.'”

 

Thanks for all you do, Gang. Now if you’ll clean that ash tray that contains part of The Mayor’s face, we’ll call it even.

 

In Dr. Pearl’s office one day talking to General Patton after she just filed away The Allies Attack On Napoli Report-1944

“George, I see you have a copy of the Milford High School Student Manual-1995.”

“That’s right. I was Gil Thorp in another life and we beat Hannibal at the Rubicon and Oakwood at the gym. But I reincarnated and became a real leader.”

“Do you read the manual often?”

“Every goddam day.”

 

 

“Thank God this plot has ended

Thank God this plot has ended”

 

“Jaime, eat your Bucket Burger. There are starving kids in China that would love to go through the drive-thru.”

May 9, 2020

The Bucks Don’t Stop Here

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Today’s strip doesn’t really advance the plot very much. Dr. Pearl repeats herself from yesterday. Unless he put his shirt on backwards today, Mike has an owl-like ability to turn his head in an attempt to make eye contact with Gil, who has already strapped on his thousand-yard stare. In Gil’s mind he can already hear the ice clinking in Mimi’s pitchers of Long Island Iced Tea and the plaintive calls of preteens asking him to watch them putt.

Yes, the adults have done their jobs in true Kurt Waldheim-just-following-orders fashion, in the process giving Gil a ready-made scapegoat for his under-performing baseball team. As for Dr. Pearl, well, the girl can’t help it.

 

I’ll spare you the legwork of trying to find out if art imitates life or vice versa; the GoComics comments on today’s strip link to several articles describing the very situation The Mayor finds himself in today. If this is Rubin’s way of rehabilitating another one of his extroverted attention-whoring Mudlark kids, he’s sure going about it in a weird way.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to pour one out for Mr. Penniman.

April 29, 2020

That Peanut Butter Isn’t the Only Thing Nutso Around Here

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Looks like Gil Thorp has a new sponsor, Nutso Peanut Butter. Wonder if Nutso’s from the same people who brought you Nutboy. Either the Nutso mascot is foreshadowing Phoebe and The Mayor’s next encounter by making his O face or else he’s reenacting Mr. Peanut’s fall to his death.

Other random observations:

  1. Peanut butter on a bagel is not that unusual. Then again this is Milford, home of Schultz’s Polynesian Garden, so anything beyond white bread might be scandalous.
  2. Dunno about La Bus, but Le Bus is a Philadelphia bakery of long standing that’s facing the same troubles many small businesses in this country are right now.
  3. Where is that bagel, exactly? They’re not that hard to draw.
  4. What kind of idiot brings peanut butter into a classroom in this century? (Don’t answer that.)
  5. What kind of idiot brings a knife into a classroom in this century? Not one who’s in the class with Chance Macy.
  6. Either that’s an awkward facepalm* or Phoebe’s fixin’ to break into an awkward Batusi.
  7. Is that the late Kenny Rogers or Dr. Krieger from Archer teaching this Southern Gothic Literature course?
  8. If Flannery O’Connor’s name is invoked, can peacocks be far behind?
  9. If peacocks are involved, can rally hippos be far behind? (Considering Jamila’s still on the team, I’d give it even odds.)

 

*”Facepalm” might be a good tag to add to our “Categories & Tags” list. Will give it some thought.

April 21, 2020

Lost Cause And Mixed Plots.

Filed under: ?, Chunky Bracelets, huge earrings, Milford Idiots, song parody — tdrewhardin @ 8:54 am

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Please

Let this mushy pomp

Shrivel and get stomped

Slink into a sewer hole

I can see the side show

Complete with song and dance

Fade in eternity

Looking through the eyes of ennui

 

Gang, had to John Prine this one more time, given the Ice Castles wannabe we’re about to be subjected to.

And, okay, Thorpiverse, I’ll overlook your sacrificing any action on the diamond by attempting to foist on us a hopeless love story. But do we have to make it sound like The Mayor was trying to rape her in the back of Muench’s Archie Jalopy when he wasn’t sipping on his Cocoa Puffs? Boy, what machismo.

“Here, Phoebe, sniff my breath!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Ooooooooo, you got cooties!!!!!!!!! What did you eat for breakfast, Trix and Shake ‘n’ Bake?????”

“Actually, I also threw in Cracker Jack. Hey, I got a prize.”

And we’ve seen Archie make a move on Veronica and more often than not, it was with Veronica’s consent. Fair enough. But do we have to have Jughead in the front seat, chowing down on 11,546 Bucket Burgers? Yeah, anyone who follows Archie knows that Jughead has a promiscuous appetite. But it’s like Jughead on his 489th Big Mac while Hermie and Oskie get out the rubbers and go to town. Not really a proper setting for a McDonald’s McChicken commercial. Not really the proper atmosphere when you have the kiddies in Mc’D’s parking lot talking about how they love Happy Meals while Trix ‘n’ Bake is implementing other ideas in the background in the front seat. Whopper advertisement? I’ve heard of “Have it your way” but that’s carrying things too far. Let’s keep these mixed plots in perspective, boys and girls. John Prine would have wanted it that way.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Pulls Hamstring And Will Be Incapacitated For 3 Weeks After Incident At Mudlark Lake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I was trying to show off in front of Alexa and perform a triple axel in my ice skates and I slammed into the canoe dock to make it worse.”

 

Now

We must bear this sameness

We can see this shameless

Sordid sack of sad burlesque

Reaching out to grab us

Won’t release its grip

Were that we wouldn’t be found

Looking through another bad trip

 

Geez, I just love it when Babe Ruth calls The Shot in the ’32 Series, then falls in love with the catcher on the Rockford Peaches. Takes “A League of Their Own” to another level. All that hand-holding around Yankee Stadium (“The House That Ruth Fondled The Woman’s Private Parts”) and tonguing each other before George Herman takes BP, I think it’ll fly by Siskel & Ebert.

Really, Phoebe has a career night and like the girl in “Ice Castles”, gets blind-sided by an unforeseen occurrence. But at least the skater overcame and won. How do you win against all odds against a sorry-ass plot? Do we really have to get side-tracked into a Nightmare on Love Story after Mr. October wins the Playdowns?

Well, the consolation prize is Phoebe’s earrings aren’t so chunky. She can move her head.

 

Wink Martindale on Milford Dialing for Dollars

“No, that is incorrect, Gil did not play Obi-Wan Kenobi on ‘Star Wars’.  The correct answer was Alec Guiness. But hey, instead of $10,000,000, how about some chunky bracelets as a consolation prize? Sounds great? Okay, what’s the name? Gonzo Pearl? Is that with 2 Z’s?”

 

If ya fall in love with yore hog that ya was gonna slaughter at the Milford Stockyards becuz it could skate in the Milford Ice Rink after gittin’ ed a bucket full of slop without ever once fallin’ on its derriere, ya might be a redneck.

 

And the exploding shoulder has graced the scene after we witnessed the Attack of the Exploding Butts last week, the sequel to Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Yes, when you shoot ’em down, they won’t stay dead. They were in your eyeballs for several years until Gil decided he was old enough for Milk of Magnesia. He spread the wealth evidently to Gonzo last week after doling out some to his wife who proceeded to watch the butt crack implode from Alexa. This must be getting contagious.

“Here, Honey, try some Philips on your Caesars Salad and Corn Whispies. It’s excellent protein. Give the rest to your team. Sometimes you need some movement in your offense.”

“Thanks, Hubby. We need to execute the hit-and-run better. She’s just as good as 3rd base.”

 

Late in the game, Gil calls time to the ump and uses his first trip to the mound to check on Gonzo

“How’s your arm holding out?”

“M-OK”

 

And I sincerely project

That even in this reject

We’ll manage to bail out

Knowing she’s beside herself

She’s not noticing

 

Uh oh. I’m feeling another Benita Butrell surging up in my windpipe.

I have always LOVED the comedy stylings of Keenan Ivory Wayans. Many comedians rely upon emoting to be funny. Not Keenan. The dude is simply plain damn funny.

So as long as we’re getting dragged into a hopeless Milford Heights episode, hey, if you can’t beat ’em, make fun of ’em. Take her away, Benita

“Y’know, I saw Mimi Thorp pat Alexa on the derriere after Alexa scored the game-winning lay-up. Mimi was just trying to send a message that smart offense and defense win championships. Go on, Girl.

Actually, she wasn’t gettin’ enough from Gil cuz Gil wuz doin’ his own foreplay with somebody’s behind and winning and soft tushes felt so good, he done tol’ the whole damn team to bend over after practice. The team thought they were being punished by doin’ a suicide drill. And Mimi made ’em do wind sprints in the field and the slowest got a chunka change seized on their person.

And when Phoebe tol’ ol’ Alexa that she had a hard-on for Flushee Face, Alexa showed she had a hard-on for Phoebe by lightin’ a fire on the woman’s arm. This touchy-feely stuff coulda gone lower but this is a sports strip not Penthouse. They ain’t such a thing as non-contact sport in that magazine but they’s more contact in P2 than on the softball diamond. Alexa’s practicing good touches and taggin’ ’em out simultaneously, the way I reckon it.

But I ain’t one to gossip so ya ain’t heard that from me.”

 

Please

Please let the twaddle singe

It’s forcing us to cringe

And we want to forget this flop

Don’t desire to touch it

It feels like laundry lint

Just close the lid

Looking through this rinse cycle plot

 

Hoo boy. Now we’re approaching what I believe will be the meat of the issue, no pun intended. We would have no clue how Milford is doing in baseball and softball, the season has been pre-empted by Gidget Loves Mr. Flushee. We are left at the mercy of the captions, such as the one in the upper left in P3. When we have to take their word for it, it’s going to be a long season. Trust is an essential ingredient if you wish to remain a reader of Thorpiverse. I am a Western buff and I read a lot of “We Were There” series, such as “We Were There…On The Santa Fe Trail” or “We Were There…At Fort Fetterman” or “We Were There…At Sutter’s Mine”. A recent addition was just released “We Were There…At The Mudlark Batting Cages”. Sure to be a good read.

 

Wink Martindale on Jeopardy!

“This thing actually exploded when Gil tried to pat it on the fanny after it was part of a triple play.”

BUZZZZZZZZZ

“Yes, Merle?”

“What is TNT?”

“By God, you are correct. You now have $13,569,371 bringing your 3-day total to $474,629,012. Boy, you could buy a bunch of chunky bracelets with that paycheck. How ’bout we go 50-50? No? Just kidding, Merle. You be sure you get your great aunt out of that nursing home and to Mudlark Lakes Senior Affordable Shelter like you promised her. All right, My Man, still your turn.”

“Bad Plots for $1000.”

 

Oh please, if this is where I’m thinking it’s going, Heaven help us. That’s right, we couldn’t be content with The Mayor grossing us out with his Sugar Pops/Steakburger combo, complete with Lawry’s Salt. Thorpiverse now has to switch gears and go George Jones on us. Sure, I liked his music and The Rolling Stones were big fans of his.

But this “I’m glad you introduced me/And I hope you’ll understand/I’ll be faithful to this bottle in my hand” twist that seems to be looming on the horizon is just ruining the curve on competence of this plot. And is Phoebe going to be Tammy Wynette? Stand by The Mayor? Whoops, I better close Pandora’s Box.

Rice Krispies and Jack Daniels Straight. Sheesh, no wonder why he’s been standing askance on 2nd base.

 

“And that was Phoebe Keener and Tammy Wynette with ‘Stand By Your Man’. We’ll be back with more Milford Kickin’ Country Classics after these messages. This is WDIG-Radio.”

 

“Wasn’t that a wonderful duet? Mimi sings that in the shower all the time. She alternates between that and ‘How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?’.

And the hits ain’t gonna stop, I’ll guara-damn-tee it, if Milford Beverage Warehouse has anything to do with it. Hi, this is Coach Thorp leading the Hit Parade.

Right now, until the COVID-19 scare is a thing of the past, The Warehouse has a great deal to get you out of the house and still maintain social distancing. Lord knows I don’t want any germs on my Jose Cuervo.

Between now and the end of May, for every $50 purchase of any of your favorite liquors in any combinations, The Warehouse will give away a hand-engraved autograph of Wink Martindale on chunky bracelets fresh from the mines of South Africa. Ummmm, ummmm. I can not only quench my thirst with a Heineken, I now have Christmas shopping for Mimi all wrapped up, literally in this case.

How about 2 18-Packs of Coors Lite at $14.99 apiece and a 750 ml bottle of Knob Creek Whiskey thrown in? C’mon, gentlemen, you have daughters. And you can always explain how sexy Wink was when he was hosting “The Price is Right” when Bob Barker was on vacation.

And with Mother’s Day around the corner, chunky bracelets are just the thing to give your grandmother. She can join the rest of the mall walkers and talk about how Wink never needed make-up, his sex appeal could be seen from the New York islands to the redwood forest. For $16.97 a bottle, buy 4 Meiomi Pinot Noir at 750 ml and Wink Martindale and amber waves of grain are practically synonymous.

Going to get married? Gotcha covered. Buy 2 24-Packs of Michelob Ultra at $23.99 a case and The Warehouse will throw in a can of Milford Vending Beer Nuts to send you over the top. Sometines the state tax can only stretch so far so naturally The Warehouse is there to CYA. Hey, I would have wanted Wink Martindale to be there in spirit and give Mimi an autographed chunky bracelet when I couldn’t find the ring at our wedding.

Folks, it just don’t get no better than this. Come down to Milford Beverage Warehouse and do your own permutations. Price you pay if you want the finer things in life in tandem with The Good Life. Come get your booze, chunky bracelet,and a date with Wink all in paper or plastic, here at The Warehouse, and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

 

Gang, I promise, I’m not off the wagon. I swore off Flushee Puffs and now eat Cheerios. Out of a bowl.

 

“…and then they’s that talkative fool, Marty Moon. He and Peaches went on a 3-day All-Expense-Paid trip done financed by WDIG itself. That first night in bed, Lawdy, WDIG shoulda asked for its money back. Peaches was lookin’ for love, but Girl, Marty had to look under the bed to see if he dropped it. They had to report his sex life to the Mudlark Lake Office Lost and Found. Bump and grind became peck and poke. You do dat on a typewriter, not with your sexual behavior.

But I ain’t one to gossip, so you didn’t hear it from me.”

 

In Gil’s office one fine morning

“They found it under the Gideon’s Bible? No, Benita, I didn’t know that.”

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