This Week in Milford

January 18, 2018

“They Actually Asked Me if I Wanted a Hot Apple Pie With My Order.”

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Dad, if you’re reading this, thanks for egging me on. I was scared clueless but you always navigate the storms with the best of them. Love you, Big Guy.

Not that my mom (happy birthday, yesterday, Mom) and my sister didn’t figure into things. They certainly gave me incentive to pull this one off. Love you too.

This is the Dean Koontz novel that was never published, stored under his high school yearbooks in the attic. You know, Ernest P. Worrell’s thought process arose from the grave of anonymous cemetery somewhere in Nashville, leaving the body of the aforementioned to rot eternally in the ground (“Ernest P. Worrell burns in Hell along with Carrie White”) and assumed the body of Frito Bandito through the means of telekinesis. His sister, spending more time absorbing culture shock at The Bucket than developing her postup skills (they do have gymnasiums available in case you change your mind), was worried sick about him since one day, while taking her home from school, he said to her “Yo quiero Taco Bell. Tengo mucho hambre. Ya wanna go in the dining area or the drive-thru, Vern? Do ya think my F-150 with them mud-caked monster wheels will clear the bar?”

In P1, Ward Cleaver is having one of those heart-to-heart talks every father has with his son. Here was the gist of the warm words doled out “Beaver, I already have Eddie Haskell at the point and Lumpy Rutherford will play the 2 guard while Lurch will anchor things down low. But don’t worry, if Eddie or Lumpy are caught not hustling, you’re comin’ off the bench.”

And you’re not fooling me, Thorpiverse. Gil and Jorge missed the ferry across the river Styx to Hades, Charon running behind, although said mythological figure managed to transport Ernest P. and Carrie in a reasonable amount of time. So Gil and Jorge are returning from the Shadow of Death. Perhaps another time.

In P3, it gets about as ridiculous as you can imagine. Many countries, Third World countries included, have been bitten by the Americana bug and are liberally sprinkled with McDonald’s, KFC, Pizza Hut, Wal-Mart, etc. Maybe 30-40 years ago, America was kept at a distance but now I have yet to read an article in the paper discussing some Third World dictator executing political prisoners on the charges of devouring one Big Mac too many. And what makes it worse, Puerto Rico is a Commonwealth of the U. S. Not that I approve of what’s going on (I don’t) but Puerto Rico has also arguably been one of the forerunners of soaking in American culture.

Oooook, so that said, if ya git Church’s Fried Chicken 3-Piece (2 breasts, 1 wing) Extra-Greasy Combo with mashed potatas ‘n’ okra, both stuffed in them microscopic styrofoam cups and ya have a bunch of ’em stored in 5 feet x 5 feet crates shipped from the ports of San Juan straight to a space in yore garage next to the power riding mower, ya might be a redneck.

Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer:

“UFO Spotted in the Milford Gymnasium!!!!!!”

“Officials Later Confirmed That Someone Was Practicing His 3-Point Shooting.”

Yesterday’s headline from the Milford Enquirer:

“Gil Claims to Have Seen Elvis!!!!!!!!!!”

“I Told Him I Needed A Note From His Parents and His Physical Had to Be Turned in by Friday.”

Gang, you’ve been super all week. The comments were electric and I wish I could address ’em all because they were FUNNY and/or THOUGHT-PROVOKING. It’s your turn, Ladies & Gentlemen. What’s on your mind?

 

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December 20, 2017

Gil Thorp – Ventriloquist?

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OK, Rubin, you got me to google “Internet Ninja.”

It so happens that I am rather familiar with many regional and national dialects of English and also with the many different ways it sounds when spoken as a second language. With all respect due to the entrant, that doesn’t sound like it was written by someone remotely familiar with idiomatic English.

Panel Two takes the cake for inanity. Why talk about ‘all that’ Kelly found when you can talk about whether it took her a long time or a short time and when she managed to find the time… Meanwhile, is that an aged Han Solo in the background of this stylish pub with its exposed brick walls and industrial grade window muntins?

I’ve never seen a ventriloquist act in person. Can they really do that trick? I mean, just how persuasive is the illusion in the presence of the performer as opposed to watching on TV? I gotta hand it to him, I did not foresee witnessing this side of Gil. Day drinking? But of course. Vaudevillianism? Well, I guess he did have that act with Herc the Mauler.

December 15, 2017

I Personally Would Recommend That He Refrain From Pointing At Gil Like That

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Metapost: Hi Gang, Just a quick substitute post while Rob takes one for the team and helps Santa out around this time of year.

Connie is just flatout the worst. On the one hand, I can absolutely understand why Soto père is off in Dubai and incommunicado. That said, this is not actually a healthy manner in which to…. awww, who cares anymore.

Tune in tomorrow when, if Gil’s rictus in panel three is any indication, the smack will be well and truly laid down.

December 11, 2017

Step Off, Uncle Gary

Filed under: football, google nonsense, huge earrings, Milford Idiots — nedryerson @ 7:08 am

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We’re on the road, at Jefferson for a no action game with an unknown outcome. This paves the way for more time for gaslighting Uncle Gary to further his agenda.

The unseen Dr. Gerstner’s pronouncement seems to have an edge on annoyance in it, in a “stop wasting my time kind” kind of way. How can one read that much into one statement? Because Uncle Gary is in the mix, probably posing all of his own unfounded theories and just generally being Uncle Gary. (“Yes, Uncle Gary, I’m familiar with the Boston University Study. It’s interesting but somewhat limited for drawing conclusions. There’s no control group and there is a selection bias in the brain collection itself.”)

Of course there is a real Joanne Gerstner. But this Rubin name check has a little more depth to it than the usual one’s involving Neal Rubin’s friends. Joanne Gerstner is a journalist and author. She has recently co-authored the book, Back In the Game: Why Concussion Doesn’t Have To End Your Athletic Career, along with concussion neurologist, Jeffrey S. Kutcher. Maybe Uncle Gary should take a look at this book.

December 5, 2017

With Or Without You (Rick Soto)

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So, is Rick Soto good enough that there should (not to give Rubin even more to juggle) be an element of him being recruited? All of a sudden, it seems that everything hinges on him so you would think that he must have some D1 interest…

Meanwhile, Connie Soto (nee Gary) and her brother, Uncle, are becoming one of the most annoying brother and sister combos since Wynn and Wendy Wiley.*

Metapost: Inspiration for today’s post title was released over thirty years ago! Please excuse me while I go take my hypertension medication and look into transitional bifocals…

* For those that don’t recall, Wendy wasn’t too bad in that she behaved relatively inoffensively even though, as is typically the case with this strip, she mostly had things happen to her. Meanwhile, Wynn was a paternalistic nut-job with serious anger issues… (Also, too, he was the protagonist.)

November 30, 2017

All Hands On Rick!

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In the forest of hands found in today’s strip Rick Scott’s speaks the loudest, as it tells pissy Uncle Gary to talk to it. We could have fun all day coming up with witty retorts to Uncle Gary’s question but I think Rick does well enough making the point that he needs to stfu when grown folks is talkin’.

Meanwhile I dunno what Connie Soto’s doing with hers: checking out the results of her facial/wax job, maybe. She’s managed to pop her ear out from under her hairdo, giving her that Middle Earth look that pops up in Milford from time to time.

November 4, 2017

The Easily Swayed Dr. Pearl

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….Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re right back where we were last Saturday. Gil can resist Uncle Gary’s relentless Astroturfing, but Dr. Pearl apparently cannot. One might think that the administrator, with her fancy book-learnin’ and cushy desk job, would cast a more jaundiced eye toward the email campaign – starting with finding out who is sending them.

Makes me wonder what Uncle Gary’s firing off in those missives on his teeny tiny laptop with his freaky deaky hands:

Pearl, Pearl, Pearl,

Come be my lovin’ girl

Don’t you marry Lester Flatt

He slicks his hair with possum fat…

 

October 12, 2017

The Best Singer (Or So We’re Told)

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So this is the song Rick Soto purportedly just sang*. I’m sure today’s strip just gave it dozens more hits on YouTube.

In true Rubin fashion we never get to read the lyrics coming from Rick’s mouth. Another tease, just like the tease that we may finally know the lyrics to Milford High’s fight song (and there were some good stabs at it in yesterday’s comments). Just another reminder of the weird pacing of this strip, in which the Mudlarks have played one game while high schools in the real world have mostly played at least six or seven.

In true Whigham fashion we get a Milford girl festooned with chunky bracelets and big earrings in the way no teenage girl accessorizes today. We also get Rick’s unnaturally flat palms facing the speaker in best back off ease up fashion, another Whigham hallmark. Finally, from the Pantheon of Hair Department it’s sideburns: Rick’s oddly shaggy ones and Pelwecki’s greasy strands that threaten to clump together as sideburns.

Wait – did someone mention the dozens? Maybe it’s time for a game.

“Pelwecki’s hair is so greasy, he could fry chicken in it.”

“Uncle Gary’s such a crap lawyer he’s trying to hitch a ride on his nephew’s back as an agent.”

*Were you as disappointed as I was that it wasn’t a George Harrison cover? If so, this should help you get over it.

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