This Week in Milford

February 11, 2020

He Was Beaver And I Was Mickey Mouse.

Filed under: Gil Thorp, huge earrings, huge hats, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 9:52 am

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Now let me get this straight. Alexa is refusing to shoot the ball down low, or at all, because she has these flashbacks of her and Chris on the playground and the comment was the equivalent of “Your mother watches Jeopardy! while eating popcorn with no butter”. Boy, that cuts deep.

And Freudian analysis, designed to get to the bottom of the problem by essentially talking about what’s on your mind and, for that matter, the first thing on your mind, is a wonderful concept and it has, to risk understating the issue, helped untold numbers of humans the world over.

But we could have been spared this fledgling attempt at probing the inner soul of a one Alexa Watson as she lies on the couch in suspended animation if Mimi did any coaching and sat her butt down when Alexa was not doing as instructed.

No, we have to play doctor at the coffee shop at the expense of Mr. Hart and Kingsfield and his tacky bow tie he wore while employing the Socratic Method so we can play contestants at the playground. I really honestly thought this was gonna turn ugly and the reason why she was gun-shy was because when she was in second grade, she was practicing on her Nerfhoop and the same demon in The Exorcist came to Alexa’s house to turn up the screws on defense. Get it outta my house, Alexa, and your mother eats Twinkies in Hell. Y’know, I wouldn’t shoot another Nerfball even if it WAS in the category on Jeopardy!

“I’ll take Nerfball Tournaments for $200”

“In this city, the town threatened to run the coach out of town because his leadership was in severe doubt and the Nerfball All-Comers Invitational was drawing more at the gate-”

BING

“Yes, Chris?”

“What is Hickory High?”

“No, I’m sorry, that is incorrect. Jughead?”

“What is Milford High?”

“You are correct. Norman Dale was eventually exonerated.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Ousted On ‘Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?'”

sub headline

“I thought Kokomo was the capital of North Dakota. I need to update my almanac.”

 

Then we are confronted with Beaver as if he had just got ran over by a Mack truck in P1. Now, to be fair, Gil coaches like he got flattened by a Greyhound (Mimi, Trailways, same difference) , but we can always check the sports pages in the local papers to get the bitter taste in our mouths. Watching our favorite team ride the wave to victory because somebody knew what he or she was doing always gives us warm fuzzies, especially after we watch Gil or Mimi smile their way to another loss. Being a milquetoast is a premium at Milford.

But what do you do with a boy who’s fixated on the headlights of Gil’s Lexus? Okay, so it’s Milford Elementary but, Gang, PRETEND. Gil is at the school during 3rd Grade P.E. trying to smile his way to more players in his feeder system. They gotta learn at an early age how to flash them pearly whites after they got their asses handed to them or they’ll never know what to do when they get their asses handed to them on the J.V. or Varsity level. I wouldn’t know what to do without the proper instruction. I don’t want to get caught scratching my butt after a loss and showing the oppponent I’m clueless and don’t know how to implement good sportsmanship. Thank God there’s a teacher who instructs me on how to be classy when I’m getting body-slammed.

ANYWAY, Beaver pursuing The Omega Man after he just insulted (?) Alexa and called her Deep Blue to her face just doesn’t make for Classic TV.

“Ward, I’m concerned. Beaver has been hanging around the zombies lately and yesterday they trashed Eddie Haskell’s house and ate their parents.”

“Nonsense, June, it’s just a passing phase. I’m sure Beaver will grow out of it.”

 

And I just can’t see it

“Nyah, nyah, nyah, NYAH, nyah, you watch Jeopardy!!!!!!!!!!”

“And Alex Trabek has cooties!!!!!!!!!! Ooooooooooo.”

Playground action and dialogue that’ll bring memories.

 

If ya is able ta answer all the questions in the “Specimens of Deer” category, includin’ the Daily Double by answerin’ ‘What is a white tail’ ta the “It darts out by night by the Milford Industrial Complex” and get the final answer  kerrect and win the game cuz ya know fer a fact Izaak Walton ain’t related ta John-Boy, ya might be a redneck.

 

“Izaak is often confused with this poor family who lives on Walton’s Mountain from a popular TV show that ran primarily through the ’70’s, Gil.”

“What is ‘Eight is Enough’?”

“No, sorry, that is incorrect, Kaz?”

“What is ‘All in the Family’?”

 

No way can I see this

CARRIE WHITE BURNS IN HELL BECAUSE HER MOTHER SAID SHE HAD DIRTY PILLOWS AND COMPUTER DENTURES

Aside from not seeing Alexa getting dragged down to Carrie’s domicile because she strayed too far instead of shooting the easy bank as originally outlined by Mimi,

HOW THE HELL CAN YOU FIT CARRIE WHITE ET AL BURNS IN HELL ETC. all on a sign that’s about the same size as Phoebe’s hat????

Trust me, this is NOT the rough draft of an Alfred Hitchcock Stories That Are Scarier Than Gil’s Leadership tale. Okay, Alexa, if you still wet the bed every night because you’re still having nightmares of Norman Bates in 3rd grade stabbing you and calling you Hewlett-Packard Head while you’re on the teeter-totter or when he’s a teenager and you’re practicing sticking your butt out on block-out drills, it may indeed be a personal demon to you but to the readership it’s like the Norman Crusade on a mission to napalm the Salvation Army.

You can get a second opinion from The Blob in the background, if you like. You better hurry, it may go outside on the verandah and dine al fresco. I understand The Blob ordered tortellini, Grippo’s Bar-B-Q Chips and some white chocolate latte. No cream, thank you, The Blob’s on a diet.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PHOEBE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE BLOB CALLED ME HAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW CAN I FACE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“No worries, Alexa, I’ll have the coffee shoppe turn on the air conditioner. It’s vulnerable to the cold.”

 

“Coach Thorp sucks, Coach Thorp sucks, Coach Thorp…”

“Ward, he’s still hanging around with the zombies. I’d rather he hang around with the Mods.”

“I agree, June. Personally, I like Quadrophenia. Why, I hear Wally play Can You See The Real Me on the drum kit I gave him for Christmas all the time.”

 

Man o Man. P3 reminds of when I was a teenager and all the other teenagers at my high school never admitted watching “Batman”, as if watching The Joker boil The Caped Crusaders in a vat of Bucket Tex-Mex Sauce violated our rite of passage. Yeah, you’re too old to watch that campy Superhero stuff. And the chinks in the armor, hoo boy. I saw Robin’s crack while he was entering the window after they’d scaled that wall, having a conversation with Gil in that porthole normally reserved for celebrities. And they really didn’t hit The Penguin over the head with a Hillerich & Bradsby, I saw Milford Sporting Goods, Inc. wiffleball bat on the label.

And I could buy into that logic were it not for the fact that those uttering J’accuse could describe every episode. How The Riddler came in and raped Aunt Harriet while she was getting a perm, how Egghead robbed the semi on its way to delivering Bucket Grade A Eggs, how Catwoman climbed the walls at Milford Girls Gym because Batman was the only one at the games and it was a perfect time for Catwoman to pounce on Batman and scratch him silly so that he looked like roadkill. Slow painful death, you understand.

At the Thorp residence one night

“Gil, what happened to your hair?”

 

And then, of course, we got older and graduated to expressing remorse and shame whenever USWA Wrestling came on. Oh no, I didn’t see Jerry Lawler and Jeff Jarrett in a Texas Tornado Match with Gil and Kaz. I got my pride. BTW, who won?

You get the idea.

So the next time anyone asks you if you watch Jeopardy! as if that’s what the hipsters DON’T watch, they have better things to do, such as attend Dr. Pearl’s staff meetings, swallow your pride and admit it, then look for clues that will display cracks in the system. If they gave Jeopardy! board game to the milkman while he was delivering sour cream and 2% lowfat for Milford Dairy, you caught ’em red-handed.

 

Today’s Black History Month installment is Lenny Wilkens, a VERY well-respected player in college basketball and the NBA and likewise as a coach in the NBA.

Wilkens played for Providence as a feisty point guard, doing it all in scoring and assists while leading the team to victory along the way. He continued his stellar play in the NBA but also became coach along the way, player-coach the last few years of his playing career.

When he retired as a player, he didn’t miss a beat as a full-time coach. At a time when head coaching jobs were far and few between for African-Americans, Wilkens bristled whenever anyone pointed out he was paving the way. Never one to try to send a message, his quiet and easy-going yet fiercly competitive streak garnered respect around the League from players and coaches. He had an excellent feel for the game, knew how to motivate players and where to put them on the court and possessed incisive playmaking skills. His playbook was a textbook on how you play the game, with an NBA ring with the Seattle Supersonics in 1979 to prove it.

Please join me in saluting a man who made the game of basketball a better product when he retired. I salute you, Lenny.

 

“We will return to ‘Beaver Was a Teenage Zombie after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

 

“Is your toilet all pooped out? Do you find yourself having to use your backyard after dark when you have to take a leak so the neighbors won’t see you? Did you stop in at Milford Chamber of Commerce’s bathroom when you had the runs?

Hi, this is Coach Thorp and if you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, have I got great news for you. The Toilet Sale at Milford Beverage Warehouse went over so well like stink on poop a month ago, that The Warehouse upped the ante and passed the poker chips onto you.

Check this out. If you purchase 2 bottles of Buffalo Trace Bourbon Cream at the generous price of $16.99 a pop, Milford Plumbing Solutions will deliver an American Standard Premium Toilet right to your door.

And these aren’t little buckets of spit we potty-trained our kids with, no sirree. They are hand-crafted treated porcelain objets d’art that will operate on a schedule. With the Slow Close Toilet Seat, mashed fingers after a massive drop-off is a thing of the past.

And they have a more powerful flush than that cheapo Rural King masterpiece you bought on a budget. Isn’t it nice to know that you can flush it and forget it? No more Noah’s Ark in the basement crapper.

And the engineering is so attentive to detail, your American Standard utilizes low water consumption. It’s nice to have piece of mind that you’ll be imbibing more Budweiser than your commode consumes H2O.

And if you buy the whole damn case of Buffalo Trace Bourbon Cream, Milford Plumbing Solutions will install it free. C’mon, folks, you won’t max out on your Milford Federal Visa Gold. You won’t see Aunt Bea getting the toolbox out of the garage on this one. Be like Aunt Bea and swallow your pride and store the booze in the same place where the honey jars are located on the shelf.

And there are those whose toilets are in mint condition so booze is the order of the day. No problem. We have Jose Cuervo at $11.99 per commode, I mean, bottle, Busch Light in the 30-pack at a bargain you won’t flush down the drain along with Tidy Bowl Man at $20.99, Josh Cellars Cabernet, a royal flush at $13.99, among several other deals you’re gonna have to check out or get off the pot.

With friends like Milford Beverage Warehouse and Milford Plumbing Solutions, why go anywhere else to blow your wad. Heck, they’ll even throw in a Charmin 12-Roll Soft Touch when you purchase $25 or more of The Good Life. Man, free commodes, free toilet paper and cheap booze. Folks, that’s Murderer’s Row to me. Come get your butt wiped down here at The Warehouse and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, you mean the world to me. But, admit it, you watch Pro Wrestling. C’mon, don’t try to deny you saw Tommy Rich slam Reggie B. Fine’s head into the turnbuckle…

June 10, 2019

Hat Day!

Filed under: huge hats, Just plain sad, Mimi Thorp — nedryerson @ 6:30 am

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In all the shuffle of idiotic plot devices, I had totally forgotten about the hats. It’s hat day? Game days are hat days, so it must be game day.

Linda looks a bit unnerved. She’s probably not into the hat. Also, her outfit makes her look like the water bottle in the foreground. See the cafeteria group looking at her like, who’s the person sized water bottle with the red cap?

It’s time for Mimi to address Linda’s issues. She already brilliantly sorted out Nancy and Molly with book club. Now she has to get Linda fired up for volleyball. Because Linda has a full ride scholarship to play volleyball, and it’s mid June and Linda is moping up a storm because she’s not on the Olympic volleyball team yet.

Mimi’s first salvo: That mid level college you’re attending has a craptastic volleyball team. A player of your caliber is probably not going to make a difference there.

April 22, 2019

A Hat On A Hat

Filed under: actual action, Gil Thorp, huge earrings, huge hats, softball — nedryerson @ 3:41 am

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Molly Hatcher’s hat decree is in effect. Game days are hat days. There’s no problem with a dress code and the team has no issues with “hat head” cramping their style. What a harmonious group!

The Conference Season begins and that’s good news. There are no more trips to Nebraska, Joycelynn has gone back to Jocelynn and the team racked up two wins in one narration box.

During the wins, someone hits a gapper and we get one of those classic partial views of a sign on the outfield fence. This one is extra ambiguous: “EY” is all we see. EY? Is it an advertisement for WHEY? Is whey poised to make a comeback in the youth market? Maybe whey is the new quinoa. Who handles the outdoor advertising at these school facilities?

Oops, it looks like we have an actual action, happening presently in our narrative, situation at Tilden. The Mudhats Mudlarks are trailing 2-1 and somebody is squaring up to bunt. Drama and suspense jammed into a single, ambiguous panel. What a week we have in store.

April 20, 2019

The Extra “Y” is for “Y’all come get these hats”

Filed under: Gil Thorp, huge hats — teenchy @ 2:00 pm

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Don’t look now but Jocelynn is suddenly Joycelynn and everybody gets a hat.  Given today’s date I thought they might be Rastafarian caps but I thought wrong, as those are typically crocheted rather than knitted.  At least nobody said “too cool for school” again.

We’ve now had a week of hat love during which time one game was played with a single panel for exposition.  Reckon this is what we get when we complain that the girls don’t get enough attention in this strip.  I can see these hats playing a bigger role in the rest of the story arc, like when the Lady Mudlarks have to forfeit a game for their non-regulation headgear (which, if I’m reading the NFHS softball uniform rules correctly, these are not) and, after much protest and a hostile takeover of Marty Moon’s crate at WDIG, they convince the powers that be to allow them to wear the hats in games but not to reverse the forfeit, leading to their missing the playdowns.

Linda Carr’s been surprisingly quiet through all this. Wonder if she’ll be the turd in the Milford punch bowl that somehow casts a shadow over this lovefest.

April 15, 2019

Knit One, Plot Zilch

Filed under: huge earrings, huge hats — nedryerson @ 3:38 am

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Jocelynn Brown knit her own hat! That’s what we’re working with today.

So it looks like after a softball games, the girls go back to the locker room and change back into business casual clothes along with all their accessories. Seems a bit extreme. But anything is possible in a world where a slugger and leader knits her own hat.

Will she knit hats for everybody on the team? Will she start a hat knitting seminar series where she teaches the other players to knit their own hats? Let’s all head down to the Yarn Barn and we can learn about fiber. Scrimmage? No, thanks.

Knitting is a magical thing. All those mysterious, repetitive hand movements with pointy implements making an infinite number of loops, turning yarn into a textile. In the popular culture I consumed as a youth, a knitter was usually an old lady who would chant “knit one, purl two” as she worked those needles. Sometimes, they had their own sheep.

 

April 13, 2019

Slugger, Leader, Hat Model

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Fellow TWIM bloggers, where are you going for the color version of the strip?  I used to use the Seattle PI comics page but it looks like it might be behind a paywall now and just accessed it again (thanks to loyal TWIMer Downpuppy).  If one of you find it, could you please update this post with a copy?  Check out Jocelynn’s hat in living color.

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That is some serious Carmen Miranda-level shit going on right there.  Somehow I doubt she got a free bowl of soup with it.

This wraps up what has been a long week – five strips to play one game.  Something tells me we’ll see two or three games in a single strip more than once and hey, what about those Mudlark boys?  Been kinda nice not hearing about them.  Kinda nice for Mimi to play cheerleader and not field leader, though that may prove problematic down the line.

A couple of odds and ends to bring today’s post to a close:

We carp about playdowns in the Thorpiverse but I only found out recently that here in Pennsylvania we have high school playbacks!  In multiple sports even!  Best as I can tell, they’re kinda like double elimination rounds where you can play your way back into the state playoffs.

Finally, in stumbling around looking for a color version of today’s strip I stumbled upon this blog, which concisely summed up the BRobby Howry arc in far drier fashion than we did here.  Maybe that’s where all of Jason’s readers wandered off to…

 

August 11, 2018

That hat aint gonna win you anything

Filed under: Gil Thorp, huge hats, Milford Weirdos, oversize objects — robmize2013 @ 7:51 pm

Oh well I can fill in since its late enough. More bs commentary from Gil. At least he didnt say ‘Gents’.

Yes theyre 2nd year golfers competing against 16 and 17 year olds. But there are Plenty of 16 and 17 year olds who are ALSO SECOND YEAR GOLFERS.!

I started swinging a club at age 9. My dad took me to the driving range for 3 years before he decided  I was ready to play a course. So I started playing in the fall of 1978 when I was almost 13. I shot 121. The next round I shot 122. Keep in mind I already knew how to hit a ball before I played a round due to my dad having me hit balls for 3 years. My short game was sorely lacking however, as I didnt have a lot of practice in that area save for chipping balls in my yard. I would aim for the lamppost in the middle of the lawn in front of the house, and we had several shorter grass areas surrounding the driveway that I used to hit shots of various lengths. I improved quite a bit from that but my putting was still weak from not enough practice on a real green. So anyway–

I dont think I broke 100 my first full season, and my 2nd season was cut short by a shoulder injury in July of the year when I went too far back on a backswing and felt something hurt. I played a couple more holes but couldnt swing all the way back, so I quit, and my shoulder wasnt better until October. 3 months. I think I may have torn a muscle, and it just took that long to heal, but I was basically done for the year. By October its school stuff and cooler weather and I dont think I played another round that year that I recall. But the shoulder healed completely. And being a kid I wasnt allowing the shoulder to slow me down- I learned to do stuff lefthanded like pitch and bat. Just couldnt swing a club.

So season 3 came and I was ready to improve and I not only broke 100 I beat my dad for the first time. Then in season 4, at age 16, I got a hole in one. I figure I played 100 par 3’s before that ace, which is very few for such a major golf accomplishment. That year I broke 90 a few times and decided I was ready to try out for my high school golf team as a junior. I had a couple things against me however. The team was good, its home course was the toughest 9 in the area, and I didnt play that course very well. My 2 nine hole scores were 52 and 52, and needless to say I was cut. My dad said dont take it personally, and I didnt, but I still felt I was better then those scores indicated; and my game continued to improve until I shot my lowest score ever, 78, a few years later. I still consider myself better then the average golfer, but I found out that improvement is slower once you reach a certain level, and I just didnt play enough to reach the low 80’s upper 70’s all the time. But thats my goal every time I tee it up.

So enough about me; what my point about telling all this is these guys are shooting 87 in their 2nd year, and thats way ahead of my pace. At that level, its all about the short game and minimizing the strokes around the green, and that takes practice and repetition. Then they can get those 83s Gil is talking about.

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