At Least It’s Not In the Bandar Tongue

I don’t know about y’all but I’m convinced this whole junket is an elaborate scam by Coach Kim to get a trip to see his fam on the taxpayer’s Luke’s dime.

What could Luke possibly say to Kwan to convince him to come to the US and A to play for Valley Tech? He doesn’t speak Korean, if the convo thus far is any indication. I’m envisioning some sort of loud, slow, horrible pidgin talk like the kind we used to see in old movies. A thinly veiled appeal to avenge imagined dishonor by Gil. Some BS about fast tracking Kwan to MLB via the Valley. It shouldn’t take Kwan long to see that Luke is all hat and no cowboy.

Serious question to Henry, if you’re still reading our dreck: How have you envisioned Valley Tech in your new Thorpiverse? You’ve put it in Milford, along with Milford High. Is the parochial school, St. Fabian, still there too? Is Valley Tech a trade school? STEM magnet school? Public or private? If public, where did the money for this trip come from? Did the basketball team really sell that many donuts?

Your Moment of Minutiae: Nice to see some baseball unis that aren’t a bunch of repetitive pastels or splashes of red on areas that weren’t meant to be colored. Getting a nice, stark White Sox vibe from them. I’ve not watched much KBO League action compared to Japanese ball, but I’ve seen enough to know that players can have triple digit uniform numbers (rendered in Arabic characters).

“{BTW, Mom, This Is Hoss Cartwright. He’s Always Wanted To See Korea.}”

Luke Loser, nobody forced you to move to Rockville. To be talking about Hicktown, USA clear across an ocean shows the ignorance that we already knew was, paradoxically speaking, latent but then again pretty darn evident once we got to know you. The last thing I will EVER talk about when I’m standing in front of the Grand Canyon is there being no joy in Mudville tonight. You flew into one of the most beautiful countries in the world and all that’s on your mind is that the Milford Maintenance Department needs to fill that pothole on a street on the way to Valley Tech? Oh, darn, I forgot, Francesca couldn’t get a job in New Thayer because they don’t have a Liposuction Clinic to handle Mabel Ruth’s obesity. Fancy that.

Dude, you need to get a life.

We’re still anticipating who The Korean Franchise might be. I remember when Sports Illustrated ran an article where this pitcher could pitch 168MPH, only to later post APRIL FOOL!!!!! Well, we’re way past April so this had better be good if we’re going to listen to Luke Lunkhead bitch about Milford having no place for the Cartwrights to hitch their horses. And I’m tired of Ben Cartwright letting his horse relieve himself on my practice field. I feel your anguish, Luke.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Korean Air Lines To Set Up Stops To Milford International!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We are confident we can negotiate with the Cartwrights on part of their ranch for a separate tarmac.”

At Incheon International Airport

“{Who’s that weirdo with the cowboy hat? I saw him buy it at the Airport Souvenir Shoppe.}”

“{Don’t worry. I’ll keep him in the Seoul Hampton Inn until I locate my recruit. I paid extra for The Cartoon Channel to keep him occupied.}”

Then it hits me. Why are two high school coaches traversing halfway across the globe for a player? Now I could understand Jimmy Dolan. His logic was airtight since it’s college basketball and the player was old enough to vote and old enough to enlist. I’d hitchhike through Africa to get him back to State U. too. But Hicktown High? You’re getting your baggage from the Moscow Airport or the Luxembourg Line or the Eva Peron Buenos Aires Regional baggage claim just to be scouting some zit-faced Korean at the Seoul YMCA???? Was this on the Valley Tech School Board budget? Don’t even answer.

Okay, you don’t like eating your plate lunches at Milford Diner, Loser, but as we used to say at my college “Don’t bitch-TRANSFER”. Nobody is forcing you to eat the Salisbury Steak w/ Creamed Mashed Potatoes & Refried Green Beans. What are you going to do, bribe the Korean Sensation with The Diner Tuesday Special Chicken Tenders & Chess Pie, Maureen the Waitress gift-wrapping it so it doesn’t spoil over 3,000 miles?

Then I wonder if Jimmy Dolan is going to have to endure another game where more than bragging rights are at stake. Are Jimmy, Coach Kim, and Luke Loser going to engage a team in a basketball game with North Korea where if this Terrible Trio lose, not only will the Korean Sensation have to serve in a suburban Pyongyang labor camp somewhere but the trio will have to be permanent card-carrying members of the Communist Party , but if the trio wins, North Korea party members will have to buy season tickets to Valley Tech baseball games? You laugh for now.

Denny Crum, the great college basketball coach for the University of Louisville, passed away a few days ago. He was well-noted for the ‘80 and ‘86 NCAA Championships, both victories coming down to cases, further confirming Crum’s teams as the Cardiac Cards. Milt Wagner’s two free throws with two seconds left and Louisville already clinging to a 70-69 lead (fortunate that Duke had no time outs) also got them named the Clutch Cards.

A good story came from Darrell Griffith yesterday at the Yum! Center where a Celebration of Coach Crum’s Life took place. Griffith was once on a breakaway to which he completely blew the dunk. Of course, Crum was upset so when he finally pulled Griffith to the side, he went “Why didn’t you just lay it in?”

Griffith responded “Coach, I’m Doctor Dunkenstein. That ain’t happening.”

Crum’s answer was priceless.

“Then you tell Darrell the next time I want him to lay the ball in.”

Korean Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“{Korean Sensation Benched, May Sit Out Game With Milford!!!!!!!!!}”

sub headline

“{Coach Luke Lunkhead: ‘I don’t care if his fans call him the Korean Dunk Meister, he’ll be dunking on a Nerfhoop in a Hamhung sweatshop if he keeps blowing the bunnies.}’”

At a Seoul McDonald’s

{“Here, son, if you slurp it all down, you’ll see Syngman Rhee at the bottom.”}
{“Mom, I’m a head coach now. With Hoss as an assistant, I have to do my own babying.”}

I think we’d be more successful getting to the last door in Maxwell Smart’s domicile than tracking down this phenom that is likely sleeping in Mammoth Cave via the tectonic plates below Busan. Again, they traveled more miles than the Globetrotters just to hail down a cab and hope to God this phenom is home and not at the library to return library materials? Believe me, I’m not traveling from Blagoveshchensk’s Oblast just to find out if Milford Diner charges extra for sour cream on my Baked Potato & Sautéed Yams. Yeah, I’ll trust that Coffee Cantina serves Lipton Raspberry Unsweetened Tea free from COVID-19, I don’t need to take a row boat across the East China Sea to confirm the rumors.

And even if they get the address correct, what is this supposed God’s Gift To Korean Whiffleball supposed to think when a fellow countryman and the Cartwright family are at his door? Oh, come in, I’ve heard a lot about you. Oh, you owned Ponderosa? We have one downtown, let’s talk about playing for Valley Tech over the Breakfast Buffet. They have a parking section for covered wagons. The Korean Beef Cheese Omelette is to die for. Hoss, I think you’ll really go for the Stir Fried Squid w/ Rice Krispies. I have heard you have had a lot of acid in your large intestine so this is gastronemic-sensitive. Personally, I like the Stone Pot Bi Bam Bap. It adds a couple of miles/hour to my fastball. And I heard they finally washed the ladles after the Restaurant Workers Strike. The Wanton Soup should be lice-free.

Got him in the bag, Hoss.

Seoul Late Edition of the Korean Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“{Bones Discovered In Construction Site Of Gwangju Burger King Traced To Coach Thorp’s Lineage!!!!!!!!}”

sub headline

“{Local anthropology authorities believe Neanderthal Thorp was on recruiting visit for a backup catcher.}”

At a basketball game late in February

“Leo!!!!!!!! @$&#%]?\|!!!!!!!! Next time, lay the ball in!!!!!!”

“Coach, this is the Halftime Slam Dunk Competition, remember?”

Is it me, or do they have lanes to accommodate all the taxis going every which way? One looks like it’s headed straight towards that box truck. The truck itself looks like it’s headed toward some tunnel in the median. You might find this Korean Kolassal down there next to the Cro-Magnons who run the boutiques in Underground Seoul. Looking at these taxi cabs, I will no longer have to explain Brownian Motion and get left hanging. Just call me T. Drew Nye The Science Guy.

If ya eat tha Marinated Tofu ‘n’ Deer Bar-B-Q at the Seoul bistro cuz ya iz gettin’ indigestion from all that recruitin’ uv all them cavemen with a 4-pitch repertoire (fastball, curve, slider, Ephus) and ya got ta clean yore innards out and dump ‘em in tha nearest sewer, ya might be a redneck.

At a Seoul tourist trap

“No, really, this hat is really you. People won’t be calling you Hoss anymore.”

“But a dunce hat?”

“Well, as the saying goes, if the shoe fits…”

Wait a minute. How does Luke know what they’re saying? Don’t go making assumptions, Loser. This is Fallacy of Composition, big time. Just because Coach Kim licks up to you doesn’t mean the rest of South Korea will follow suit. Now I can’t answer for North Korea since they allow limited access but I doubt some North Korean farmer prays five times each day pointed in the direction of the Valley Tech gym. Safe to say incense isn’t being burned in some North Korean village in your honor.

For all we know, Coach Kim, brackets and all, could be saying “{Look what the cat dragged in. I only brought him along because Korean Air Lines offers discounts if you bring another body. Yes, I worship the ground he walks on until we have to sit next to each other in the plane. Then I’m reminded he never brings body wash on recruiting trips.}”

Then his mom responds in kind “{No problem. He can sleep with rest of the horses in the barn. I have enough hay we harvested today to make a bed. He can use your brother’s old pillow. I got all the tics killed off.}”

“{Wonderful. Sorry we have to talk Vulcan but I don’t want to hurt his feelings.}”

“{No worries. I made your dad sleep in the barn when he flatulated excessively from that Yook Gae Jang I used to serve every Friday.}”

“And I like Mud Mountain Murphy too!!!! I heard he was scheduled to perform at the Seoul Civic Auditorium. BTW, how do you say ‘Them Muddy Boots’ in Korean?”

“We’ll return to see if Luke Loser found his Fodor’s Korean in 10 Days or if he’ll have to walk the streets of Seoul groping around like Gregg Hamm after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

At Coach Kim’s parents’ farm, far from the madding crowd

“{Wow, Mrs. Kim, I never thought we’d get Mr. Loser in the cow stall but he set his alarm so I assume he’s okay.}”

“{I shut the gate so the Japanese Holsteins wouldn’t snuggle up. I was concerned with his snoring but we won’t need to turn on the moth zapper. I just hope our neighbors won’t think there’s an earthquake transpiring.}”

“{And I’m going to shake you up once we get into bed. Put down that cattle prod and stop wasting my time.}”

“{Oh, Mr. Kim, your trash talk is getting this Korean lass hot to trot. I feel like one of our Amur Oblast hogs in heat!!!!! I am more excited than Busan rush hour traffic!!!!!!}”

“{I intend to get past the 38th Parallel North and conquer you and the rest of Kim Jong Un’s band of commies!!!!!! You don’t stand a chance under the sheets!!!!!!!}”

{“Oh, let the bazooka drive it in me, um, er, it appears as if Bazooka Joe is bigger than yours in a cakewalk.}”

“{How do you figure???? I have been breaking bulls all day and if that doesn’t get me harder than the Gulag Archipelago, I will sleep next to Mr. Loser in the bunk with the rest of the chickens.}”

“{Don’t let me stop you. I didn’t have my son because you limped when General MacArthur dropped by to pay a visit. You need to prove you are still a man or move to Indonesia. The village restaurant makes seafood pancakes out of your Cream of Wheat Mush.}”

“{I will not have my masculinity compromised at the North Korean border!!!!!!! You ungrateful woman, you will take my Korean Cuisine and like every bit of it, after dinner mints included!!!!!!!! I came, I saw, I conquered all of Asia!!!!!!!}”

“{I’ll concede the mints since they’re tasty and hard. Your manhood is like a Korean Hot Dog that got left in the dryer too long. I could iron that Oscar Mayer flabby job and never have to worry about wrinkles or otherwise. You ever thought of switching over to Armour Korean Beef Franks?}”

“{I will nab this wild ewe that refuses to lay down her life like the rest of the sheep and teach her a lesson about what happens when you insult a ram!!!!!! Your sexual resistance will get head-butted!!!!!!!!}”

“{Oh, I want to lay, all right. Just not in front of a ram with no horns-}”

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“{Yes?}”

“{Mom and Dad, could you keep it down? You woke up the chickens and Mr. Loser can’t sleep in his bunk.}”

“{Saints be praised that Milford Men’s Clinic had an overseas location practically right down the road at our nearest metropolis. And I tried the new, improved EREC-4572 Sea Salt tablets, the salt guaranteeing an erection in 15 minutes or the medications are free. What did I have to lose other than the two horses that ended up in my neighbor’s chicken coop? Now, Mrs. Kim and I threaten nuclear warfare every night and we are bombing each other over and over. There’s no Detente under these covers, not even close. Go to your nearest Milford Men’s Clinic today, now with a new location in Hokkaido, Japan.}”

{Gang, thank you for your-}, oh shoot, I forgot to turn off the Urdu translater. There, in any language, God bless you all. You mean the world to me.

In Tijuana, Mexico, at a pawn shop

“{Tell Coach Thorp, he can’t coach his way out of a lava lamp. And I’ll only take $5 for the watch, I don’t care about no damn 2014 Championship.}”

“What did he say?”

“He said ‘Congratulations on your championship and that he will only charge you $5 for the lava lamp.”

A Hot Spit Take

As promised, my jet-lagged and sleep-deprived self is here with today’s post and it’s gonna be blunt.

While Valley Tech players dance around like Matisse’s Icarus, Gil offers Luke a congratulatory handshake and gets a neck full of spittle in return. Not only does Martinez still carry a misdirected 35-year grudge, he also suffers from Napoleon syndrome and delusions of grandeur. Squeaking out a one-point win because you stopped your opponent’s two-point conversion attempt hardly qualifies as an embarrassment. There were no stakes attached to the golf game and no one listens to Marty’s podcast. People can only be embarrassed if they choose to be, and Gil clearly has not chosen to be.

Enough of this chode. He should get what’s coming to him eventually. Enough of the Tuesday morning quarterbacking, too. Gil gambled and the gamble didn’t pay off. It happens. I still think there should be some explanation for why Milford decided to go for two and not try to force overtime with an established kicker (maybe two, if we count Hooper and if the scores that are neat multiples of seven are any indication), but I’m not holding my breath. A few days on the domestic front and a Saturday Christmas Eve strip (surprised no Hanukkah strip with Kaz and his new squeeze) and we should pivot to basketball.

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to take a look at the inside of my eyelids. Happy Solstice. teenchy out.

Goodnight, Milford

The big gamble didn’t pay off for Coach Thorp. Tobias Gordon’s leap of faith failed and their hopes were dashed in the finals.

Look at the contrast of Coach Luke and Coach Kim basking in glory while the pissy faces of Gil and Kaz tell the story of defeat, humiliation and probably an utter lack of football intelligence. I mean, maybe they should have tried something even trickier like a rainbow flick lob or, ya know, kicking an extra point for the tie. Oh heck, Milford probably would have lost on penalty kicks anyway. Also, there may have been more stoppage time than we had been led to believe, so they could have tried pulling their goalie for a man advantage. Next time, Gil should try the 9-iron and a triangle defense. And that’s why they call it cribbage.

Kudos for the colorist for staying consistent for a whole game.

Hey guys, yhs is really not feeling great today. Please have at it in the comments and I’ll see you next week as we throw out the first shuttlecock.

Oh Daddy!

Oh boy, a flashback. Sepia-toned, in best Tom Batiuk fashion. All that’s missing are the scrapbook corners. What grudge will be aired through it in similar fashion?

It’s the one where the Milford Star dissed Luke Martinez and whatever team he was playing for that beat Milford for the 1987 state championship. Guess what, Luke? It’s the Milford Star, not the Whatever Town Your School Is In Star*. Of course it’s gonna report a Milford game in the most positive light for the Mudlarks. I’d bet the Green Bay Press-Gazette is doing the same for the Packers these days.

On that fateful day thirty-five years ago, young Luke was sporting a mullet and his back hair had just started sprouting through his shoulder pads – and yeah, nobody had seen a linebacker with lycanthropy before. Under the tutelage of some Joe Paterno/Tom Landry/Vince Lombardi/Bear Bryant/Tom Bosley melange, Luke wreaked havoc on the Mudlark offense using his signature crotch punch. Luke just rattled off more “daddys” than Early and Rusty Cuyler put together; could one of them have been his coach?

We now know the source of the Martinez grudge, as well as why Gil won’t remember when Teen Wolf’s team beat Milford. Luke Sr. is somewhere between 49 to 53 years old and Gil, unless he took the Milford job straight out of high school (and we know he didn’t), is at a minimum 57 and very likely much older than that. Okay gentle writer readers, ‘splain that in terms of the Thorpiverse space-time continuum.

Today’s musical inspiration:

* Where was Luke playing back in ’87, anyway? Was it for Valley Tech, retconned into being in or in the vicinity of Milford like it is now? Was the state championship an all-Valley Conference affair, kinda like Georgia and ‘Bama this past season and in 2018? A cursory online search doesn’t return Milford playing for the state title in ’87; here’s hoping TWIM‘s unofficial SID, billytheskink, will chime in and set the record straight.

Mimi dumps her job in Gil’s lap, yet somehow he’s the “deadbeat.” Ohh-kayy.

I lost my draft late last night so coming back to this on Sunday morning. Mea culpa.

So it was Shit on Gil Saturday in the shiny Milford Gym. Mimi’s back from the wild north to give Coachella a hand with the jayvee volleyball team – and she brought Meemaw, who made a funny (“fill in for Gil again [Gilligan]”)! Joke’s gonna be on her, though, when Gil gives her the Richard Widmark treatment.

Coachella feels compelled to damn Gil with faint praise, glossing over the part where “doing all right” includes giving her a membership in the Mile High Club. Joke’s gonna be on her, too, when Mimi gives her job to Meemaw. She can go back to school and play hoops again in the winter, though.

Meemaw’s gonna instill some discipline in these girls, starting with that girl in the brown tights her own grandperson, Keri. Keri’s happy to oblige her, but you gotta wonder how long before the effort to turn them against their dad backfires.

I debated last night on whether to label Meemaw’s dome with the Pantheon of Hair or Premature Baldness tag. Father of teenchy had a massive head of hair until he underwent chemo, so I’ll assume that’s true for Meemaw as well. You know what? Maybe I’m not the guy to play the cancer angle. I’m no Tom Batiuk and have no interest in milking that for laughs, maudlin sentiment, or anything. teenchy out.

“Luke, this isn’t ‘Nam, this is Milford. There are rules.”

“Are you ready to be fucked, Thorp? I see you rolled your way onto the tee boxes. Dios mio, man. Pedro and me, we’re gonna fuck you up.”

“Yeah, well, you know, that’s just like, uh, your opinion, Luke.”

“Let me tell *you* something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash an illegal putter out on the green, I’ll take it away from you, and stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger ’til it goes ‘click.'”

“Jesus, Martinez.”

“You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Martinez.”

Nice of Luke to bring along some additional eye candy for Mimi, too, in case she likes her men smooth. With Keri’s hair, Pedro could be mistaken for yet another lost Thorp child. Did Pedro come when Luke clapped for him? The Martinez family tackiness just keeps piling on, like a Herk the Mauler finishing move.

Bigger picture question: How was Luke able to join the MCC? I don’t mean that in an ethnic/socioeconomic way but in a geographical one. Does this lend credence to the idea that Valley Tech is also located in Milford? I don’t know that it’s ever been established; I understood that St. Fabian’s shared the town with Milford High, but that’s the extent of it. Talk amongst yourselves.

Life’s A Beach

Here we are, visiting Mimi’s mother (who’s not doing well). Well, you can always swing by Shady Acres Assisted Living Facility, stop in for a quick visit, (Mother, you remember your grandchildren, Jami and Keri? No, sure you do. Remember how they would come visit you every summer? Of course you do, mother. Of course you do.) then get to the shore to enjoy the sun, the crashing of the waves and the absence of Gil Thorp. Seriously, did Mimi straight up lie to Gil?

For some insight on that last question, let’s turn our attention to the latest media appearance by new Gil Thorp writer, Henry Barajas. In this interview featured in The Daily Cartoonist, Henry says:

Something I’ve learned from better writers than myself is to never underestimate your audience—and the reader is always smarter than you. I intentionally leave things “vague” with the promise to follow it up.

So I guess we are smart enough to figure this out. I’m just going to say Mimi lied about her mother. But lying to your spouse and then involving the children is rather low. Maybe I’m not all that smart. By the way, if you read to the end of the interview with Henry, you’ll see that the Daily Cartoonist writer D.D. Degg (great name) throws in a link to TWIM and quotes teenchy’s last post. Wow, This Week in Milford is going places, after sixteen years. Today it’s The Daily Cartoonist (the source for industry news for the professional cartoonist), next up, who knows! (Hat tip to MopMan for calling attention to the TWIM shoutout.)

I don’t want it to sound like I’m throwing shade at Henry Barajas or D.D. Degg of The Daily Cartoonist. I love daily comics and the anticipation of cracking open a browser tab every morning to see what’s going on in Milford or Santa Royale wherever. (Yesterday’s Mary Worth was another one for the ages.) I salute these people who figure out how to pay the bills creating comics. I feel like “comics mockage” as Jason referred to it when he started TWIM is an outlet for our own creativity from the vantage point of the comic strip consumers. Does it veer off into some real aggro attitude sometimes? Maybe, but I think it’s mainly based on devotion to the strips. Am I being sincere here? I think the readers of TWIM are smart enough to know.

So let’s get back to the beach. Jami’s got an ice cream cone and there’s some sniping between him and Keri. Mimi’s reading a book in that classic pose that Whigham uses when the strip’s teen girls lay on their beds with their laptops. Keri is absorbed in her phone. We’ve yet to see the evidence that Keri is “missing her daddy”. We know her daddy has a flip phone and is a little unsure how to use it, so I doubt Ker is texting Gil. (If she was, would she have to keep up the visit Grandma charade? I’m having a hard time keeping the narrative I’ve created straight.)