This Week in Milford

August 24, 2022

“Luke, this isn’t ‘Nam, this is Milford. There are rules.”

“Are you ready to be fucked, Thorp? I see you rolled your way onto the tee boxes. Dios mio, man. Pedro and me, we’re gonna fuck you up.”

“Yeah, well, you know, that’s just like, uh, your opinion, Luke.”

“Let me tell *you* something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash an illegal putter out on the green, I’ll take it away from you, and stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger ’til it goes ‘click.'”

“Jesus, Martinez.”

“You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Martinez.”

Nice of Luke to bring along some additional eye candy for Mimi, too, in case she likes her men smooth. With Keri’s hair, Pedro could be mistaken for yet another lost Thorp child. Did Pedro come when Luke clapped for him? The Martinez family tackiness just keeps piling on, like a Herk the Mauler finishing move.

Bigger picture question: How was Luke able to join the MCC? I don’t mean that in an ethnic/socioeconomic way but in a geographical one. Does this lend credence to the idea that Valley Tech is also located in Milford? I don’t know that it’s ever been established; I understood that St. Fabian’s shared the town with Milford High, but that’s the extent of it. Talk amongst yourselves.

August 15, 2022

Life’s A Beach

Filed under: Bare Midriffs, huge glasses, huge hats, Jami Thorp, Keri Thorp, metapost, Mimi Thorp — nedryerson @ 6:04 am

Here we are, visiting Mimi’s mother (who’s not doing well). Well, you can always swing by Shady Acres Assisted Living Facility, stop in for a quick visit, (Mother, you remember your grandchildren, Jami and Keri? No, sure you do. Remember how they would come visit you every summer? Of course you do, mother. Of course you do.) then get to the shore to enjoy the sun, the crashing of the waves and the absence of Gil Thorp. Seriously, did Mimi straight up lie to Gil?

For some insight on that last question, let’s turn our attention to the latest media appearance by new Gil Thorp writer, Henry Barajas. In this interview featured in The Daily Cartoonist, Henry says:

Something I’ve learned from better writers than myself is to never underestimate your audience—and the reader is always smarter than you. I intentionally leave things “vague” with the promise to follow it up.

So I guess we are smart enough to figure this out. I’m just going to say Mimi lied about her mother. But lying to your spouse and then involving the children is rather low. Maybe I’m not all that smart. By the way, if you read to the end of the interview with Henry, you’ll see that the Daily Cartoonist writer D.D. Degg (great name) throws in a link to TWIM and quotes teenchy’s last post. Wow, This Week in Milford is going places, after sixteen years. Today it’s The Daily Cartoonist (the source for industry news for the professional cartoonist), next up, who knows! (Hat tip to MopMan for calling attention to the TWIM shoutout.)

I don’t want it to sound like I’m throwing shade at Henry Barajas or D.D. Degg of The Daily Cartoonist. I love daily comics and the anticipation of cracking open a browser tab every morning to see what’s going on in Milford or Santa Royale wherever. (Yesterday’s Mary Worth was another one for the ages.) I salute these people who figure out how to pay the bills creating comics. I feel like “comics mockage” as Jason referred to it when he started TWIM is an outlet for our own creativity from the vantage point of the comic strip consumers. Does it veer off into some real aggro attitude sometimes? Maybe, but I think it’s mainly based on devotion to the strips. Am I being sincere here? I think the readers of TWIM are smart enough to know.

So let’s get back to the beach. Jami’s got an ice cream cone and there’s some sniping between him and Keri. Mimi’s reading a book in that classic pose that Whigham uses when the strip’s teen girls lay on their beds with their laptops. Keri is absorbed in her phone. We’ve yet to see the evidence that Keri is “missing her daddy”. We know her daddy has a flip phone and is a little unsure how to use it, so I doubt Ker is texting Gil. (If she was, would she have to keep up the visit Grandma charade? I’m having a hard time keeping the narrative I’ve created straight.)

May 31, 2021

How Does Their Garden Grow?

Filed under: Gil Thorp, huge hats, Mimi Thorp, Pantheon of Mysterious Objects — nedryerson @ 3:01 pm

It’s time to get back to recapping actual action in banal settings…like the Thorps’ garden! Get out your gloves and floppy hats and let’s do some weeding, pruning and mulching. Mimi looks like she’s got a proper digging tool, but Gil seems to be ready for some ceremonial Vulcan combat with that thing. (Maybe he’s gonna flip a small pizza. Do they have one of those trendy, brick pizza ovens?)

So to recap, Zane and Katy have had lousy performances and maybe there’s a common reason or maybe they’re just mediocre. They can just conclude that their teams are so-so and they wouldn’t want it any other way so they can ease into summer without any annoying playdowns. (There may not be playdowns in the spring seasons. Who cares? They don’t.) Send Corina to Farmers University of Central Kentucky and start mixing the lemonade.

Enjoy what’s left of your Memorial Day everybody.

August 19, 2020

Plan 9 from Town Park Lake

gt08192020

Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story of what happened on that fateful day. 

Today we find Corina, Alexa and Phoebe have pushed up their pedal pushers, waded into Town Park Lake, and stumbled into the shooting of a remake of Plan 9 from Outer Space. A perfect backdrop for the backstory of how Corina became so incorrigible. Alexa continues interviewing her replacement as Pheeb’s BFF her hard line of questioning, and quickly finds a crack in Corina’s armor. None of the authority figures in Corina’s younger life listened to her when she tried to tell them something was wrong with mommy, so now Corina won’t listen to any of the authority figures in her current life.

Okay, now that that’s settled, let’s move this plot forward. How deep into a pitcher of Long Island iced tea do you think Gil and True are at the MCC’s 19th hole?

At least Corina didn’t call Alexa Phoebe’s sidekick.

August 17, 2020

So Corina Did Have A Hat!

Filed under: anatomically implausible, Chunky Bracelets, huge earrings, huge hats, Maureen — nedryerson @ 5:49 am

Corina appears to be on a mission to find a place where there is support and treatment for her mom. There’s an old maxim (at least a week old), if you want anything in Milford, go to the Diner and Maureen can hook you up. True Standish found a practice catcher in Corina and now Corina can find support and treatment for her mom. We’ll just sit back and wait for Maureen to go through her Rolodex and pull up some affordable, comprehensive mental health care for Corina’s mom. Maybe Corina has a line on some low income housing too, assuming that Corina and her mother aren’t rolling in dough. While Mo works her magic, it’s a good time for a picnic down at the lake.

I’m wondering how widely available comprehensive mental health care is in the entire Valley and in Milford in particular. Is there any reason why you could expect that it so happens that Milford is a mecca for psychiatric services while the rest of the valley is lacking in these resources? What are the chances that some key community resources exists in Milford alone but not in the surrounding area? Should I just cool it with my questions and let Maureen do her thing?

One last thing: What’s going on behind Alexa? It looks like disembodied freak hands are reaching up to grope her.

August 15, 2020

You Should Leave Your Hat On

August 14, 2020

gt08142020

Alexa hasn’t had many opportunities to throw her weight around since graduation; pressing her line of questioning on Corina gives her one. Mama Karenna may not be behind bars after all, since she’s going to “appointments,” but that still doesn’t explain why Corina’s able to call her own shots when it comes to moving to Milford. Emancipated minor? Mom on parole? Wearing a chunky ankle bracelet? Corina’s not giving a straight answer, speaking in metaphors about depression until finally she makes up some story about a hat to break off the conversation.

August 15, 2020

gt08152020

co·mor·bid·i·ty /ˌkōmôrˈbidədē/, n. comorbidity; plural noun: comorbidities; noun: co-morbidity; plural noun: co-morbidities. the simultaneous presence of two chronic diseases or conditions in a patient.

Okay, so the hat wasn’t a red herring. Where did it come from then? We didn’t see it at any time since Wednesday, when first we saw these three at the diner. And where did Alexa go? The depression song and dance might’ve been enough to satisfy her curiosity. Maybe she had to go buy some more stuff for her dorm room. Corina’s not her problem anyway…

… and she sure as hell isn’t Maureen’s problem either. Mo better keep her trap shut else Corina comes back to the diner and lobotomizes her with that pencil.

February 11, 2020

He Was Beaver And I Was Mickey Mouse.

Filed under: Gil Thorp, huge earrings, huge hats, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 9:52 am

021120

Now let me get this straight. Alexa is refusing to shoot the ball down low, or at all, because she has these flashbacks of her and Chris on the playground and the comment was the equivalent of “Your mother watches Jeopardy! while eating popcorn with no butter”. Boy, that cuts deep.

And Freudian analysis, designed to get to the bottom of the problem by essentially talking about what’s on your mind and, for that matter, the first thing on your mind, is a wonderful concept and it has, to risk understating the issue, helped untold numbers of humans the world over.

But we could have been spared this fledgling attempt at probing the inner soul of a one Alexa Watson as she lies on the couch in suspended animation if Mimi did any coaching and sat her butt down when Alexa was not doing as instructed.

No, we have to play doctor at the coffee shop at the expense of Mr. Hart and Kingsfield and his tacky bow tie he wore while employing the Socratic Method so we can play contestants at the playground. I really honestly thought this was gonna turn ugly and the reason why she was gun-shy was because when she was in second grade, she was practicing on her Nerfhoop and the same demon in The Exorcist came to Alexa’s house to turn up the screws on defense. Get it outta my house, Alexa, and your mother eats Twinkies in Hell. Y’know, I wouldn’t shoot another Nerfball even if it WAS in the category on Jeopardy!

“I’ll take Nerfball Tournaments for $200”

“In this city, the town threatened to run the coach out of town because his leadership was in severe doubt and the Nerfball All-Comers Invitational was drawing more at the gate-”

BING

“Yes, Chris?”

“What is Hickory High?”

“No, I’m sorry, that is incorrect. Jughead?”

“What is Milford High?”

“You are correct. Norman Dale was eventually exonerated.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Ousted On ‘Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?'”

sub headline

“I thought Kokomo was the capital of North Dakota. I need to update my almanac.”

 

Then we are confronted with Beaver as if he had just got ran over by a Mack truck in P1. Now, to be fair, Gil coaches like he got flattened by a Greyhound (Mimi, Trailways, same difference) , but we can always check the sports pages in the local papers to get the bitter taste in our mouths. Watching our favorite team ride the wave to victory because somebody knew what he or she was doing always gives us warm fuzzies, especially after we watch Gil or Mimi smile their way to another loss. Being a milquetoast is a premium at Milford.

But what do you do with a boy who’s fixated on the headlights of Gil’s Lexus? Okay, so it’s Milford Elementary but, Gang, PRETEND. Gil is at the school during 3rd Grade P.E. trying to smile his way to more players in his feeder system. They gotta learn at an early age how to flash them pearly whites after they got their asses handed to them or they’ll never know what to do when they get their asses handed to them on the J.V. or Varsity level. I wouldn’t know what to do without the proper instruction. I don’t want to get caught scratching my butt after a loss and showing the oppponent I’m clueless and don’t know how to implement good sportsmanship. Thank God there’s a teacher who instructs me on how to be classy when I’m getting body-slammed.

ANYWAY, Beaver pursuing The Omega Man after he just insulted (?) Alexa and called her Deep Blue to her face just doesn’t make for Classic TV.

“Ward, I’m concerned. Beaver has been hanging around the zombies lately and yesterday they trashed Eddie Haskell’s house and ate their parents.”

“Nonsense, June, it’s just a passing phase. I’m sure Beaver will grow out of it.”

 

And I just can’t see it

“Nyah, nyah, nyah, NYAH, nyah, you watch Jeopardy!!!!!!!!!!”

“And Alex Trabek has cooties!!!!!!!!!! Ooooooooooo.”

Playground action and dialogue that’ll bring memories.

 

If ya is able ta answer all the questions in the “Specimens of Deer” category, includin’ the Daily Double by answerin’ ‘What is a white tail’ ta the “It darts out by night by the Milford Industrial Complex” and get the final answer  kerrect and win the game cuz ya know fer a fact Izaak Walton ain’t related ta John-Boy, ya might be a redneck.

 

“Izaak is often confused with this poor family who lives on Walton’s Mountain from a popular TV show that ran primarily through the ’70’s, Gil.”

“What is ‘Eight is Enough’?”

“No, sorry, that is incorrect, Kaz?”

“What is ‘All in the Family’?”

 

No way can I see this

CARRIE WHITE BURNS IN HELL BECAUSE HER MOTHER SAID SHE HAD DIRTY PILLOWS AND COMPUTER DENTURES

Aside from not seeing Alexa getting dragged down to Carrie’s domicile because she strayed too far instead of shooting the easy bank as originally outlined by Mimi,

HOW THE HELL CAN YOU FIT CARRIE WHITE ET AL BURNS IN HELL ETC. all on a sign that’s about the same size as Phoebe’s hat????

Trust me, this is NOT the rough draft of an Alfred Hitchcock Stories That Are Scarier Than Gil’s Leadership tale. Okay, Alexa, if you still wet the bed every night because you’re still having nightmares of Norman Bates in 3rd grade stabbing you and calling you Hewlett-Packard Head while you’re on the teeter-totter or when he’s a teenager and you’re practicing sticking your butt out on block-out drills, it may indeed be a personal demon to you but to the readership it’s like the Norman Crusade on a mission to napalm the Salvation Army.

You can get a second opinion from The Blob in the background, if you like. You better hurry, it may go outside on the verandah and dine al fresco. I understand The Blob ordered tortellini, Grippo’s Bar-B-Q Chips and some white chocolate latte. No cream, thank you, The Blob’s on a diet.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PHOEBE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE BLOB CALLED ME HAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW CAN I FACE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“No worries, Alexa, I’ll have the coffee shoppe turn on the air conditioner. It’s vulnerable to the cold.”

 

“Coach Thorp sucks, Coach Thorp sucks, Coach Thorp…”

“Ward, he’s still hanging around with the zombies. I’d rather he hang around with the Mods.”

“I agree, June. Personally, I like Quadrophenia. Why, I hear Wally play Can You See The Real Me on the drum kit I gave him for Christmas all the time.”

 

Man o Man. P3 reminds of when I was a teenager and all the other teenagers at my high school never admitted watching “Batman”, as if watching The Joker boil The Caped Crusaders in a vat of Bucket Tex-Mex Sauce violated our rite of passage. Yeah, you’re too old to watch that campy Superhero stuff. And the chinks in the armor, hoo boy. I saw Robin’s crack while he was entering the window after they’d scaled that wall, having a conversation with Gil in that porthole normally reserved for celebrities. And they really didn’t hit The Penguin over the head with a Hillerich & Bradsby, I saw Milford Sporting Goods, Inc. wiffleball bat on the label.

And I could buy into that logic were it not for the fact that those uttering J’accuse could describe every episode. How The Riddler came in and raped Aunt Harriet while she was getting a perm, how Egghead robbed the semi on its way to delivering Bucket Grade A Eggs, how Catwoman climbed the walls at Milford Girls Gym because Batman was the only one at the games and it was a perfect time for Catwoman to pounce on Batman and scratch him silly so that he looked like roadkill. Slow painful death, you understand.

At the Thorp residence one night

“Gil, what happened to your hair?”

 

And then, of course, we got older and graduated to expressing remorse and shame whenever USWA Wrestling came on. Oh no, I didn’t see Jerry Lawler and Jeff Jarrett in a Texas Tornado Match with Gil and Kaz. I got my pride. BTW, who won?

You get the idea.

So the next time anyone asks you if you watch Jeopardy! as if that’s what the hipsters DON’T watch, they have better things to do, such as attend Dr. Pearl’s staff meetings, swallow your pride and admit it, then look for clues that will display cracks in the system. If they gave Jeopardy! board game to the milkman while he was delivering sour cream and 2% lowfat for Milford Dairy, you caught ’em red-handed.

 

Today’s Black History Month installment is Lenny Wilkens, a VERY well-respected player in college basketball and the NBA and likewise as a coach in the NBA.

Wilkens played for Providence as a feisty point guard, doing it all in scoring and assists while leading the team to victory along the way. He continued his stellar play in the NBA but also became coach along the way, player-coach the last few years of his playing career.

When he retired as a player, he didn’t miss a beat as a full-time coach. At a time when head coaching jobs were far and few between for African-Americans, Wilkens bristled whenever anyone pointed out he was paving the way. Never one to try to send a message, his quiet and easy-going yet fiercly competitive streak garnered respect around the League from players and coaches. He had an excellent feel for the game, knew how to motivate players and where to put them on the court and possessed incisive playmaking skills. His playbook was a textbook on how you play the game, with an NBA ring with the Seattle Supersonics in 1979 to prove it.

Please join me in saluting a man who made the game of basketball a better product when he retired. I salute you, Lenny.

 

“We will return to ‘Beaver Was a Teenage Zombie after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

 

“Is your toilet all pooped out? Do you find yourself having to use your backyard after dark when you have to take a leak so the neighbors won’t see you? Did you stop in at Milford Chamber of Commerce’s bathroom when you had the runs?

Hi, this is Coach Thorp and if you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, have I got great news for you. The Toilet Sale at Milford Beverage Warehouse went over so well like stink on poop a month ago, that The Warehouse upped the ante and passed the poker chips onto you.

Check this out. If you purchase 2 bottles of Buffalo Trace Bourbon Cream at the generous price of $16.99 a pop, Milford Plumbing Solutions will deliver an American Standard Premium Toilet right to your door.

And these aren’t little buckets of spit we potty-trained our kids with, no sirree. They are hand-crafted treated porcelain objets d’art that will operate on a schedule. With the Slow Close Toilet Seat, mashed fingers after a massive drop-off is a thing of the past.

And they have a more powerful flush than that cheapo Rural King masterpiece you bought on a budget. Isn’t it nice to know that you can flush it and forget it? No more Noah’s Ark in the basement crapper.

And the engineering is so attentive to detail, your American Standard utilizes low water consumption. It’s nice to have piece of mind that you’ll be imbibing more Budweiser than your commode consumes H2O.

And if you buy the whole damn case of Buffalo Trace Bourbon Cream, Milford Plumbing Solutions will install it free. C’mon, folks, you won’t max out on your Milford Federal Visa Gold. You won’t see Aunt Bea getting the toolbox out of the garage on this one. Be like Aunt Bea and swallow your pride and store the booze in the same place where the honey jars are located on the shelf.

And there are those whose toilets are in mint condition so booze is the order of the day. No problem. We have Jose Cuervo at $11.99 per commode, I mean, bottle, Busch Light in the 30-pack at a bargain you won’t flush down the drain along with Tidy Bowl Man at $20.99, Josh Cellars Cabernet, a royal flush at $13.99, among several other deals you’re gonna have to check out or get off the pot.

With friends like Milford Beverage Warehouse and Milford Plumbing Solutions, why go anywhere else to blow your wad. Heck, they’ll even throw in a Charmin 12-Roll Soft Touch when you purchase $25 or more of The Good Life. Man, free commodes, free toilet paper and cheap booze. Folks, that’s Murderer’s Row to me. Come get your butt wiped down here at The Warehouse and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, you mean the world to me. But, admit it, you watch Pro Wrestling. C’mon, don’t try to deny you saw Tommy Rich slam Reggie B. Fine’s head into the turnbuckle…

June 10, 2019

Hat Day!

Filed under: huge hats, Just plain sad, Mimi Thorp — nedryerson @ 6:30 am

061019

In all the shuffle of idiotic plot devices, I had totally forgotten about the hats. It’s hat day? Game days are hat days, so it must be game day.

Linda looks a bit unnerved. She’s probably not into the hat. Also, her outfit makes her look like the water bottle in the foreground. See the cafeteria group looking at her like, who’s the person sized water bottle with the red cap?

It’s time for Mimi to address Linda’s issues. She already brilliantly sorted out Nancy and Molly with book club. Now she has to get Linda fired up for volleyball. Because Linda has a full ride scholarship to play volleyball, and it’s mid June and Linda is moping up a storm because she’s not on the Olympic volleyball team yet.

Mimi’s first salvo: That mid level college you’re attending has a craptastic volleyball team. A player of your caliber is probably not going to make a difference there.

Older Posts »

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.