This Week in Milford

February 25, 2020

Just Wait Till Your Father Gets To Our Gym

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I love the team so well

And the coaches too

And the groovy way that plays can gell

 

Phoebe’s a trip

And she lets it rip

When teammates get pushed into the wall

 

I love Alexa just well

Tho she plays like Hell

Every time she’s in the paint

 

 

Just wait till Mimi gets

Unless she should forget

Wait till Mimi gets home

 

Well, look who showed up at the game to high-five the New-Look Watson. And like Zevon, I’d like to know her tailor. Awoooooooo, Werewolves in Milford.

Wasn’t it just last week that Mimi did a stand-in and practically distanced herself from Phoebe attempting to turn Alexa into a human Rock ’em Sock ’em Robot? Even when Mimi told Alexa that in order to get accepted at Harvard, she had to be a runaway train on offense? Yeah, don’t hokey-pokey this one, Mimi. Put your left foot into your mouth, take it out of your mouth, do the same with your right foot, then shake that thang all about and get your husband sexually aroused who’s sitting in the 3rd row behind the Mudlarkettes Dance Corps and come to the enemy gym lookin’ like The Sharp Dressed Man to greet Alexa as if you’d been step-by-step in this process. Oh, you’ve been stepping in something all right. I just hope your Jordache Jacket doesn’t have cow chips all over it when you take it to Milford Dry Cleaners. One can dream.

 

Because I’m a Western buff and watch shows like Death Valley Days and enjoy them in general but feel occasionally they take liberties with history, knowing that Charles Goodnight had cows but doubting that he had his pet cow in the same relationship a la Roy Rogers and Trigger

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Appeals To Governor For Stay On Execution Of His Pet Zebra, Flossie.”

sub headline

“I couldn’t bear to see it at the slaughterhouse so that somebody could get a cheap T-bone steak.”

 

“Harry Boyle, I don’t like how Alexa is shoving people around all over Milford. She shoved an old lady with a cane the other day and got run over by Gil and Mimi on a tandem. I did some research and found out that the Milford Communist League is behind all this.”

“Oh, Ralph, come on. She’s just trying to up her game. I wish my son Chet had that much energy to get out on his own.”

“That’s what the League WANTS you to think. But if Alexa starts shoving around senior citizens at the Milford Bingo Parlor, pretty soon she’ll be shoving red-blooded Americans straight over the cliff. Then the Commies will put in a new coach and the Mudlarks will have nothing but players reading out of The Red Book.”

“Ralph, did you make this up or have you been in Gil’s office again for Twinkies and coffee?”

“I’m telling you, Harry, don’t blame me if they resurrect Lenin from his tomb and he takes Mimi’s place. Then you’ll have Commies shoving people out of the way when they try to sit in the booth at The Bucket and order Bucket Chop Suey. It’s fishy, Harry.”

“No.”

“Fishy.”

“No.”

“Fishy.”

“NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Look, Alexa is a decent girl. Do you think a valedictorian would want to make America run by Big Brother?”

“They already have Big Brother in power. He draws a paycheck and does nothing. Gil is a model for ‘Each according to their need’. Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s reading Trotsky while sitting on the john.”

 

And are we playing in an igloo? Or maybe they’re minion’s in some 8-year-old’s Lego Block set? The consolation prize is that surely that kid isn’t wearing Donettes on his ears like Mimi is displaying while celebrating her non-entity status with Alexa.

 

I worship her joie de vivre

Her breath reeks Febreze

She is perfect in every frickin’ phase

 

Even though she coaches from a telephone booth

Her athletic insights match those of Babe Ruth

 

Wait till Mimi gets

Unless she’s taking bets

Wait till Mimi gets hooommmmeee

 

She and Gil never go for the kill

They both coach on a fart and a whim

 

 

Mudlarks today like to play their own way

And what Coach Thorp doesn’t know won’t hurt him

 

Boy, wait till Mimi shows up at home indeed. She might learn a thing or two after getting familiar with the architectural design of Jefferson’s gym. Now if only she knew the floor plan of her own. When you have to max on your credit card to rededicate your life to the basketball court via Milford Floor & Tile, well, as the fans always say to bad officiating, “Open up your eyes, you’re missing a good game.” Wanna borrow my 3-D glasses, Mimi?

Because 12 points is an improvement but certainly not enough to convince me that she can sustain that level of play, as if getting called for charging after backing down your woman in the paint then flying on a spree is going to be the table d’hote henceforth. I’d increase the odds if Mimi had a hand in things and not letting Phoebe get thrown to the lions if Alexa backs down a police officer after the game to get out the door to stay true to character, yet be the first in line at the Milford Soup Kitchen to enjoy Alexa’s Crabmeat Special while Phoebe is off in a corner gnawing on Milk Bones. The dignified thing to do would be at least throw Phoebe a pincer every now and then.

 

If yore daddy shows up at yore game after they gave him a 3-day pass, then after ya score 38 points and 24 rebounds to win the game in triple OT, the authorities return him ta the chain gang ta work on the Milford & Oakwood railroad track, ya might be a redneck.

 

And is that Chris in the audience? Well, after all, he’s the second head in this two-headed monster that has replaced Mimi as the coach. I reckon that’s better than no heads on Gil’s team. And that’s scary. Basketball without representation is tyranny. I’d almost welcome Beef-a-Roni/Beef-a-Ghetti Head to lead the boys team in wind sprints.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Heavily Fined And Delivered An Official Reprimand From Milford Condo Suites!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“They never told me that a Polled Hereford was not included in the pet policy.”

 

“Irma, it’s bad enough that Chet needs to get his own place and that he got fired after he was caught dumping Cheerios in the Bucket Spaghetti Special when he couldn’t find the Bucket Noodles. But when he’s given a T for imitating a Lear jet and trying to knock the Tilden player on the floor by blowing jet fumes in his ear, trying to intimidate your opponent shouldn’t land you on the bench.”

“So he tried to pass gas on the player when he as boxing out, Harry. Gil taught him that. He told Chet to keep plenty of Bush’s Garbanzo Peas in his locker. He’s teaching him about Life. It may smell but you get the loose rebound anyway. Coaching isn’t always perfect. Mimi’s trying to teach Alice the same thing, only with Safeway Pinto Beans.”

“I hope to God the Milford Feeder League isn’t dispensing that information to Jaime.”

 

Peter-Panning your way to the rebound on the hopscotch board and holding your breath that the Tilden player in P3 is merely answering the altar call at the Billy Graham Reach Everyone in Milford By 2025 Crusade and not getting her patellae overworked. That’s the system Mimi’s using (we think) . As Phoebe said (that Mimi should have said) , the calls even out.

 

Today’s Black History Month installment is George Liele, a former slave who eventually became the first African-American missionary. Starting out in Savannah, Georgia in the Baptist denomination, he built a solid congregation, though he was a Loyalist, his reason being that he wanted no part of the Colonialists’ toleration of slaveholders in the American South.

Liele moved to Jamaica to start his mission work, eventually establishing another church that proved to be fruitful. Though plantation owners there were initially against his ministry due to fears of emancipation of their own slaves, Liele overcame all doubts, not to mention the notion that African-Americans could not escape the vicious cycle of slavery.

Instead, he showed through perserverance and love that African-Americans could live productive lives without chains bound to them. His ministry influenced many and further advanced the Human Race. Please join me in saluting a man who accomplished great things and helped people take a giant step forward.

 

“And Alexa knocks Jane Doe to the deck after kick-boxing on the drive. Alexa will be at the line to complete the 3-point play. Time out is called by Tilden with the score in the tenth round, rather, 3rd quarter, Milford, 47, Tilden, 31. We’ll take a commercial break, this is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG-Radio, a division of Learfield Sports.”

 

“When The Bucket is still trying to strong-arm the Milford Zoning Board to obtain a liquor license, even if they play dirty pool or throw somebody in a pool, that’s one thing. Personally, I’ve been on the bad end of blowouts and that’s the time to clear your bench, not try to claw back into a 51-point deficit. But maybe The Bucket knows how?to handle the 2-minute drill better than I do and will one day sell Schlitz and Sundaes on any given day.

But when they won’t allow honest, tax-paying citizens onto their Food Court area unless you have a Bucket Food Court Member card, that’s when they need to be called for over-and-back, that’s too many halfcourts crossed as far as I’m concerned.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp and let me tell you, Milford Beverage Warehouse says Come unto us, all ye that are hungry and heavy-laden and we will give you rest, booze, and some grub. Our credit is easy and our Food Court is wide. You won’t see any Pinkertons patrolling the area to check to see if you paid your admission. You can sit down and enjoy Big Mac’s and Korbel, $9.99 a bottle, and not have to worry about your papers being in order.

Want a Whopper and some Natural Light Naturdays in the 30-Pack? For $18.99 and some loose change, you can bask in the sunlight at the arboretum section of the Food Court and for a few dollars more you can make it a combo. Fries and a large Nestea Unsweet and the sun rays are still free, isn’t it nice to enjoy Cheeseburgers in Paradise without Dirty Harry sticking his Magnum up your butt?

But we’re not all Ronald McDonald and Golden Arches around here. Long John Silver’s was another chain gracious enough to grace their presence here in the ambiance that is the Food Court. And if it’s atmosphere you want, The Warehouse is willing to oblige. And the obligation is pretty affordable when you’re consuming LJS Salmon Platter and Hush Puppies with Maker’s Mark Whiskey 1.75 Liter serving as your chaser. At $23.99 and lunch money, Boy, I’ll go out to the Bering Strait with the fishermen to snare some more. Salmon, of course, there’s no Maker’s Mark north of the Arctic Circle.

Now are you going to fork over $250 for a non-refundable, non-redeemable membership card and just get Bucket Rib Sandwiches in a cage? If they EVER get their liquor license, who really wants Bucket Clam Chowder and Coors Light in a roped-off area that would be better used as a playground than a so-called Food Court? With Adam-12 looking over your shoulder? No thank you.

Come to Milford Beverage Warehouse where our Food Court stocks Happy Meals and Wendy’s Doubles, Hardees Thickburgers and Domino’s Breadsticks for that discriminating liquor connoisseur and all you gotta do is leave your attitude at the door. You won’t need a hall pass to enjoy Jim Beam and Whoppers with Cheese. Don’t take my word for it. Come see for yourself and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

 

Thanks for your patience, Gang. You didn’t pull an Alexa on me. God bless you.

 

Driving the streets of Milford one night after Tuesday Open League Bowling Night at Milford Bowl-a-Rama

“Harry, these Commies think they can overrun Milford without us Mudlarks firing a shot. But I’ve got a sure-fire prevention method to contain any Pancho Villas from being the janitor at Mudlark gym.”

“Ralph, let it go. I haven’t heard any ugly rumors about Maoists or Marxists invading our fair city. That’s as sure a thing as the Mudlarks making the Playdowns.”

“And let Fidel tear your ticket at the ticket window? Khruschev sell peanuts and Bud in the stands? Lin Piao be the timer? When I have the most fool-proof plan this side of the ocean?”

“Awwrriight, I’ll take the bait. What do you have in mind?”

“Simple. We look in the phone book for everyone with the last name ‘Thorp’. Gus Thorp. Sigourney Thorp. Abraham Thorp. Grandma Moses Thorp. Elmo Thorp. Bubba Thorp. Tom Thumb Thorp. William Makepeace Thorp. Pytor Ilyich Thorp. The whole Thorp crowd. Our vigilante group will round ’em up and send them on the next cruise shop bound for Russia.”

“Ralph, there’s a number of honest Americans with the last name ‘Thorp’.”

“I realize that. If they brush their teeth with a 9-iron and use Quaker State to lubricate their car and hair, I’ll assume they’re on the side of Old Glory.”

 

 

I love Coach Thorp so swell

But she starts to yell

Everytime she’s advised to coach

 

Just wait till Mimi gets

She wears a nice hair net

Wait till Mimi gets hooommmmeee

 

 

“Hi, Mimi. Long day?”

“Ah, I let the kids work on the press-breaker. Those Bucket Tenderloins are to die for. Have you seen their Food Court?”

 

February 24, 2020

Smooth Alexa Is Smooth

Filed under: actual action, basketball, Jefferson Jeffs, shadow figures — nedryerson @ 7:21 am

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Well, it looks like Phoebe’s theory was borne out. The Jefferson defender is getting out of the way and giving Alexa a smooth path to the hoop. (Hey, there’s that rectangle again.)

Surely Jefferson has coaches. Will these coaches request that their players defend the lane now that newly assertive Alexa is determined to plow through it on every possession? The Jeffs have a banner indicating some sort of championship in this century. One would think there is someone paying attention in the bench area.

Oh, Alexa is also pulling up and shooting jumpers. Wow. What a transformation! What’s a few dislocated shoulders and dented lockers at MHS now that offensive juggernaut Alexa Watson has been unleashed.

So now all that’s left is for Alexa to thank Chris Schuring for the advice (via Phoebe) and the two would be valedictorians/emerging hardwood beasts can just put competition aside and just bone already! (Did I say that out loud?)

 

February 22, 2020

In Which Alexa Learns the Definition of Insanity

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The quote is often attributed to Albert Einstein, but it ain’t necessarily so. What is so is that it’s one of the most overused clichés in modern writing. Gil Thorp is chock full of clichés, so it should come as no surprise that we’re resorting to one today. (Honestly, I sometimes think that Rubin has a hatful of about a dozen slips of paper with tropes written on them, pulls out three at the beginning of each season, and runs with them as his arc. For example, “Insecure Braggart” + “Parent Living Vicariously Through Child” + “Tone-deaf Marty Moon” or “Dysfunctional Home Life” + “Manipulative Uncle” + “School Board Member with a Grudge.”)

Putting her newfound pushiness into action, Alexa drives to the hoop only to get called for doing the sprinkler charging by Jackie Rogers Jr. Judging from how the Jefferson defender has her hand wrapped around Alexa’s bicep, she mustn’t have had to to sell the charge too hard. The Lady Jeffs mustn’t push the ball upcourt very fast either, since Alexa and Phoebe have time to analyze in complete sentences as they loaf back on D. Enter the insanity.

While she does have a point, Phoebe’s logic is flawed: Sure the zebra might call the block next time, but who’s to say the Jefferson girl won’t just plant herself and draw another charge? Either Alexa gets into quick foul trouble or reverts to form and starts kicking it back out to her gunner.  Milford will lose and Mimi and Phoebe will play “Who’s the Coach Here?”

November 16, 2019

Much Ado About Turnovers

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Well TWIMers, I think we’re justified in pulling this old chestnut back out of the fire. You didn’t have to be in the Houston Astros’ bullpen to see all this coming.

Sure enough, Gil’s poorly prepared Mudlarks collapsed like a house of cards against the Jeffs, Charlie Roh got his touches in garbage time, and pissy Chet Ballard got on the horn to Marty Moon.

Chet’s little prank call to Marjie didn’t put Chance on the bench; what makes him think calling Marty will do the same? That idea is as outdated as the physical inbox on his desk. Only Marty gets on-air digs at Gil; it’s in the call sign after all. Now it remains to be seen just how Moon will hold up the code of omertà he has with Thorp and give Ballard his comeuppance. Hot mike like B/Robby Howry, or something a bit more subtle?

A wee bit of credit where credit’s due: at least Chet didn’t run over or through that stop sign in front of his car while he was dissing Gil. If he had, his next call might have been to Del Bader’s lawyer.

November 14, 2019

1, 2, 3, KICK THIS PLOT!!!

Filed under: actual action, football, Jefferson Jeffs — tdrewhardin @ 11:00 am

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And we’re off to the races as we are seeing some football after Gil’s wandering 40 weeks in the desert. And with a lot on the line, there is admittedly some excitement building.

But what better way to experience the equivalent of a hangover than to realize Thorpiverse will find a way to rain on Milford 60th Annual Thanksgiving Day Parade. Maybe Bullwinkle will survive as a float. One can hope.

Still, I’m crossing my fingers that all will be well and that there will be no hitches as two giants have it out on the gridiron in the middle of November. If you’re a football fan, especially high school, you can’t ask for a better script, literally and otherwise.

Even if the Jefferson kicker is catapulting his foot in a perpetually clockwise position so the we learn how the formula 2pi × r was invented, I still think we are on the Royal Road to Football Sanity. Let no man ignorant of designing a decent football plot enter these doors.  Plato couldn’t have said it any better.

So the next time you see your grandma imitate Big Ben with her lower appendages while she’s shopping in the Dairy Department at Wal-Mart, faint not. She will learn, eventually, that the whole is equal to the sum of inane plots and greater than any one of them. She’s just got to see the Big Picture when contorting your tibiae to conform to circumference. The game is bigger than your grandma’s butt or legs, hey, I’m not going to pull teeth even if this plot is doing exactly that.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Parade Float Blows Away, Winds Up On O.J.’s Condo Property!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“When I saw it, I’m wonderin’ how did Raggedy Ann land on my Maserati? The helium ruined the timing chain in my car.”

One thing we have learned thus far. Jefferson is displaying Nike’s new line of cleats, the Cycloid Hurricane special. Those cleats come in handy should Tropical Storm Marty ever hit Milford the way it hit the coastline.

And haven’t we had enough geometry for one season? I have seen more polylaterals on a guy’s hi-top Keds in one game than I ever dream existed in my Geometry I textbook in one semester.

“DOUG FLUTIE HEAVES IT!!!!!!!!!!! AND BOSTON COLLEGE WINS ON A MIRACLE CAT-dude, look at those trapezoids on that receiver’s shoes. I didn’t know Pic-Way sold those in burgundy.”

 

If ya win the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Turkey Shoot ‘n’ Scramble at the Milford Conser-va-shun Club cuz yore opponent’s shotgun got disqualified cuz the rules disallow all weaponry, including Bowie knives, from displayin’ green clovers and blue diamonds plus whatever the hell else they cram in the Lucky Charms box at Milford Paper & Box factory, ya might be a redneck.

 

Now don’t let Thorpiverse fool ya. The game is getting interesting which is hoping it will lull the TWIMers into a false sense of security. Does anybody REALLY think the plot calls for Jefferson to run up the score, thereby rendering Bluto Beardsley Ballard essentially useless for future concerns? Yeah, right.

As long as his son gets 334 yards and a couple of nice TD runs, Jefferson could put the 4th string in the 3rd quarter when they’re up 234-21 and you aren’t going to hear a word out of Bluto. Not to us readers, anyway. Maybe to his son, building him up as the next Red Grange. And MAYBE to Gil, saying he sucks as a non-coach. MAYBE.

But as Franku pointed out, there are parents that just want their own little Johnny or Janie to succeed, teamwork be damned. God, I encountered plenty of those in my career.

So anybody wishing to challenge me that Chet will disappear because the plot took the “let the cards fall where they may” route and that fair play will rule even if Jefferson does wind up kicking Milford’s ass, albeit not by a ridiculous score mentioned above, boy, do I have some shopping baskets from Milford Beverage Warehouse to sell ya cheap. You can always put your marigolds in there when you’re not shopping for vodka and Chee-tos.

The score will be dictated by where Bluto fits in the scheme of things. Yup, he not only evidently has the School Board wrapped around his finger and the Superintendent as a drinking buddy, he’s also twisting the plotline’s arm.

Buy hey, he can always spare a shopping basket for the Superintendent to store his vacation photos when the latter and his wife went to the Cayman Islands from the trip they won on Wheel of Fortune.

“So tell us a little about yourself.”

“I’m a spineless school official who handles brutes with fleas in their beards and a heavy dose of B.O. in order to keep the education process functional.”

“Wow, that must keep you busy.”

 

Gang, any of you Georgia Wrestling on WTBS remember The Fabulous Free Birds, a tag team duo that predictably had “Free as a Bird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd as their mantra when they were introduced? Naturally, they were the good guys and Gordon Solie, the off-gravelly-voiced announcer for years, did his part to build them up.

Not surprisingly, they had a falling out, the way the script many times played out in these things, no doubt taking a cue from Thorpiverse. Anyway, Michael Hays stayed the Good Guy and Terry Gordy became the Bad Guy, calling himself the Dirty White Boy (Foreigner played the song, in case anyone wants to know) and flashing his pillowy gut, sexy in a strange way, every chance he got.

Well, of course, Michael Hays always got a round of applause every time he came out to interview but just about every time he did, Gordy and some flunkee would drag him in the ring and rub his face in the mat. It was entertaining see the different Revlon colors on his cheek every week and many times it caused continuity errors by being on the wrong cheek. Then there were times someone used a charcoal pencil and did graffiti all over his face. They really wanted to get the fans in the 3-row stands in a frenzy over Gordy. Even if they had to use Magic Markers to make his injuries look authentic.

It worked. And the crowd of course cheered on Hays every time he literally got his nose rubbed in it and the Omni, where they wrestled when the Atlanta Hawks were oit of town, was always sold out for this. As Ron Hudspeth, a well-respected newspaper writer for the Atlanta Constitution once said, you can fool some of the people most of tge time.

So when I saw P2 today, I was wondering if that was Gordy doing a number on Tiki Jansen. If Tiki shows up in the cafeteria with Cover Girl Rouge on his face, my suspicions are confirmed.

 

Early one morning on WDIG-TV

“Okayyyyyyyy, Boys and Girls, how many of you want to win free Mudlar-K-Cola Chocolate Fudge Fizz in the 6-Pack Kiddie Size for life?”

YAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY

“Well, if you do a cannon ball in that kiddie pool of piranhas and don’t get eaten-”

“Bozo, what happened to your face? You got scrapes all over it.”

“Oh that? Well, some mean man with a belly that’s been bathing in Twinkies too long did a really bad thing. But don’t worry, he’ll get what’s coming to him this Friday at the Milford Gardens.”

“Can we come?”

“Well, Boys and Girls, the only way to get tickets is if you stick your head in that lion’s mouth. Now don’t worry, we pulled out his teeth before the show.”

 

Yesterday’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Snoopy Stuck In Sycamore Tree At Milford Country Club Golf Course.”

sub headline

“Golf Pro at MCC: ‘Why couldn’t they have moved the parade to Christmas? We had to move back our Annual Black Friday Golf Shootout-Shotgun Start. We’ll never get Snoopy out before the Mayor does the honorary tee-off.”

 

“Uhhhhhhhh, Bozo, I understand youuuuu have a match with a one Terry Gordy this coming Friday indeed. Care to elaborate?”

“That’s right, Gordon. Friday night, 8:00 P.M. at the Milford Gardens will be a date with destiny. Yeah, Gordy, I saw what you did with Tiki Jansen. Yeah, you thought it was pretty funny when Gil finally did SOMETHING and wiped that tire tread mark off with sandpaper but-”

“Son, it don’t matter where we do our rasslin, ya got the time, I got the muscle ta take you or any of yore other yellow-bellied clowns at the Milford Gardens, Gil’s garage, the Mudlark Girls Gym, wherever-”

“Now hold on, Terry, you’ll get your chance to interview. Folks, we need to take a station break indeed…”

 

Now you have to admit, if P3 is any indication, that we’re in for a doozy of a ball game, even by Thorpiverse’s molasses-sluggish standards. The Jefferson runner in his Howard Twilley Quadrilateral Nike Specials prove that.

It just gets tainted by that connect-the-dot skyline in the background. I mean, really, if I were to use my #2 pencil, the spare I didn’t use at the Milford High School SAT Testing site, I might unfortunately find out that Ursa Major is really a conglomerate of Gil in his shower cap after he had just gotten out of the shower using Head & Shoulders, when all the stars are accounted for? Oops, I forgot Polaris. I wouldn’t anybody to know Gil has hair but no forehead. Well, that’s pretty much the case but that’s supposed to magically reappear if you’ve faithfully been following the pattern in sequence with your #2.

In the end, someone on the Mudlarks surely has Twilleys of his own to keep the score honest. Maybe ones with a frustum?

 

“We’re here, uhhhhhhhhh, talking with Michael Hays and Tiki Jansen. Gentlemen, your visages are not in their proper conditions indeed. Tiki, I understand you’re, uhhhhhh, not too thrilled after Mr. Gordy rubbed your face in the gridiron especially when a one Gil Thorp just stood back and watched.”

“That’s right, Gordon, and Friday night, 8:30 at The Milford Gardens, me and my partner here are going to be taking care of some business. Gil and Terry, you may think this white powder on my face, the kind you line the field with before the game is funny but me and Michael Hays will have the last laugh.”

“Preach it, Tiki. Cuz y’all been flappin’ our jaws about how your gonna run us out of Milford. Well, this Friday, this lipstick on my cheek is gonna come off and it’s gonna go right back on you. Gil, you’re gonna look funny with Maybelline in your hair and on your face.”

Tiki and Michael Hays leave, the 3-row seat audience on WDIG-TV in a lather

“Formidable words, indeed. We’ll be right back after these messages. Don’t go away.”

 

“Man, all this football and rasslin’ is making me dizzy. Of course, you know that stuff’s all fake and I would never hurt Tiki in a million years. I might still stand on the sidelines with my thumb up my ass but I personally witnessed Michael Hays get his scratch mark stenciled in. They had to use Crayolas on Tiki.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse and boy do we have some colorful selections. This coach is going to get a case of Corona Extra in the six-pack variety after this match, er, game, win, lose, or default. And he’s only going to be forking over $7.49. Hey, that’s what happens when you save up all that loose change from the Teacher Retirement Fund and store it in your Sun Tea Jumbo Jar.

And Skrewball Peanut Butter Whiskey? Choosy moms choose this bad boy to unwind after a long day of grocery shopping for the slumber party for the kids this weekend. No Jif is necessary here and it’s a steal at $28.99.

And The Warehouse has some great news. It is opening up its own gas station, right behind the Milford Foundry. Now you can get your booze and a fill-up practically in the same spot. Just head down a few hundred feet and the nozzle is as good as you drinking up The Good Life.

And with a purchase of Budweiser Black Lager, $10.49 by my count, you can earn fuel points when you’re on the go. Just hand the receipt to the clerk in the window and watch the gallons rack up, even on the diesel pump. B truck drivers couldn’t ask for any better.

And you quiche-eating namby-pambies are in for a treat. With a purchase of Josh Cellars Cabernet Sauvignon at $15.99, you not only are robbing the store but you’ll be robbing the pumps with a free fill-up. Lexus, Dodge Ram pickup, Mopeds, whatever vehicle you used to maneuver to the Warehouse, it all pumps thesame when you use those fuel points like a Snickers bar. Man, that’s some good eatin’.

Folks, bring the whole family down here where you can get your Michelob Ultra to hoist along on your next family outing at Mudlark Lake and still watch the kids pump the gas. Sounds like Quality Time to me. Start your own Fuel Points ledger and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Thank you for your patience, Gang. You all mean everything to me. Our TWIMers are great human beings as well as great commentators. Great combination.

 

CUZ I’M A DIRTY WHITE BOY

 

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Gil, head to the Clinic. They have extended for Christmas.”

“Didn’t Foreigner do Cold as Ice?” Gil sings

YOU’RE WILLING TO SACRIFICE OUR LOVE

“Get your butt to The Clinic, Gil.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 13, 2019

You’ve Got a Friend in Thorpsylvania

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Having enlisted Niah Peters (who has a Twitter feed if nothing else) to join Gil’s little Clue Club, Marjie Ducey now seeks to expand its ranks by having Niah dime on Chet Ballard’s “friend” on the school board. Presumably that’s the aforementioned Carol, who really hasn’t acted very friendly toward Chet. I guess offering advice to mind his own business instead of immediately ratting him out to the rest of the school board qualifies as friendship in the high-stakes world of school administration.

Having freed himself of the burden of confronting anyone directly, Gil can finally turn attention back to his day job… coaching sportsball. Gil’s been spending so much time sleuthing that he’s forgotten about preparing his amazingly one-loss Mudlarks for their upcoming tilt against Jefferson. That lack of preparation should lead to a blowout loss at the hands of the Jeffs, which will serve Gil twofold:

  1. The loss will eliminate Milford from the playdowns, keeping Gil from having to prep for football and basketball concurrently;
  2. With the game out of reach, he can give Charlie Roh plenty of touches in garbage time, then wait to overhear more of Ballard’s self-incriminating postgame babble to his stepson.

Join us tomorrow for another episode of Gil Thorp Mysteries. Maybe Gil will have recruited a wisecracking ghost and an anthropomorphic animal or two into his posse by then.

May 15, 2019

If Everybody’s TCFS, Then Nobody’s TCFS

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Gentle Reader: I don’t know what the weather’s been like where you live but here at yhs’ desk it has, until an hour or so ago, been raining almost non-stop since Saturday night. These conditions are often conducive to seeing rainbows. If you’re like me, when you see a rainbow your eyes travel its length, and you try to mentally fill in any gaps in the rainbow to figure out where it begins or ends.

That’s what I’m trying to do with David Walter’s “bloop” single today, which looks to me like it may have been launched from somewhere between the pitcher’s mound and home plate. Of course he may not have hit the ball squarely, putting some kind of spin on it. Anyway I look at it, it looks less like a bloop to me than a misjudged pop-up. Overanalyzing the one panel of baseball action we’ve seen in weeks has entertained me more than putting any thought into analyzing the TCFS phenomenon, which rears its head yet again in today’s last panel.

Linda, who is emphatically not wearing a TC button, is about to confront Nancy about said buttons. Nancy, who is emphatically aware that Linda has not been given a TC button, is about to make an awkward conversation even more awkward. I have no inclination to predict what may happen next but if the recent past is prologue, expect TCFS to be uttered at least once per strip.

October 17, 2018

Milford @ Jefferson: Haiku

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The Jeffs are wearing

Helmets that look like Dartmouth’s

Or pencil sharpeners

 

Another team dressed in

White at home, like the Cowboys

Or Bayou Bengals

 

When did the players

Stop wearing wristbands and switch

Over to Fitbits?

 

Tiki Jansen won’t

Be getting torched on this play

Saw that pun coming

 

But wait, he’s been flagged

For making a reacharound

Not in the shower

 

Marty Moon cannot

Believe his eyes; dancing ice cubes

In front of floodlights

 

That’s liquor talking

It’s just some good old lens flare

Lay off the rotgut

 

 

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