This Week in Milford

October 3, 2019

The Bully That Won’t Stay Dead.

Filed under: actual action, football, Just Plain Awesome, Tilden — tdrewhardin @ 7:41 am

100319

Hey, Oh boy, we’re getting into the Friday the 13th version of the plot where Jason Voorhees apparently didn’t learn his lesson and comes out of perdition, Hades, the cemetery, etc., to terrorize the Milford Mudlarks for, oh, another 15 sequels, give or take a throat-slashing of Coach Shaw or Gil’s hair being set ablaze with Match-Lite Fluid and rubbing some sticks (gotta make the terror and torture SLOW, y’know. We oughta know, we’ve been tortured observing that Everly Brothers coif for 60 years) . Doncha just love it when Freddy Krueger kicks the running back in the crotch, the Bruiser from Milford retaliates with a machete to chop off Freddy’s head, the head gets carried off the field on a stretcher, we readers thinking we’ll have FOOTBALL the rest of the game AND the season in general but, nope, Freddy returns in the 4th quarter to stop the game-winning field goal by using an ax to the kicker’s leg?

And where is Gil in all this slash-and-burning? I’ve never been one for terror movies but I know if you want SOMEONE to play the stooge who tries to in vain prevent Jason from running rampant with the knives, that stooge has to be IN THE MOVIE. It’s like Jason given free rein to hacksaw people with no restraints, no resistance. But that’s what’s happening here.

“Gil, you know #53 went after Chance’s nuts?”

“I’m sorry, I just got back from vacation. We’ll talk tomorrow. Those post cards from Cancun are priceless. And wait’ll you see the Mayan ruins. I didn’t know they had microwaves in their civilization.”

Freddy Krueger chopping up the town of Milford with no police to stop him, for 21 sequels? Only in Thorpiverse.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Withstands Onslaught By Freddy Krueger, Uses Bucket Burgers To Satisfy Taste For Gore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I thought it was my landlord at first, but damn, I’m paid on my condo the next 3 months.”

Friday the 13th 17: The Year Jason Arises From The Mausoleum And Actually Starts Coaching!!!!!!!!!”

Girls, I’d be clinging to my boyfriend on this one.

And if it’s not bad enough that this idiot didn’t learn his lesson after being knocked for a loop, Tattoo throws the flag into P1 to signal his disapproval. Oh, I can imagine this Fantasy Island episode

“Mr. Roarke, Chance Macy has just arrived.”

“Very good, Tattoo. Show him to his quarters. I’m sure he will find his stay here most auspicious.”

“Do you still want to use that goal post we smuggled in Milford?”

“Yes, of course. And be careful that our guests do not carelessly look in on the replica of the Mudlark girls gym.”

“Oh, that shouldn’t be a problem, Mr. Roarke. Nobody went to the girls gym anyway. Nobody complained about any action while it was on the island.”

“Very well. Show Chance to the football field. We should have a REAL coach ready to lead him to the path of achievement, an accomplishment that should prove most noteworthy for Mr. Macy.”

“And if Freddy Krueger comes along and chops off Chance’s scalp in the end zone after he scores the game-winning TD, I promise to throw the flag way into Herb Woodley’s house for a late hit.”

“You are most hospitable to our guests, Tattoo.”

 

One day in the Bumstead household

DING DONG

“Dagwood!!!!!!!!!!! Someone’s at the front door!!!!!!!”

Dagwood, arising from his slumber from the couch he bought at Gil’s yard sale last year, heads to the door

“Herb!!!! What can I do for you?”

“Dagwood, is this YOURS?”

 

If ya git fined $500 by the Fish and Wildlife Offi-shul cuz ya sprayed too much buckshot into the 8-point cuz it wuz still kickin’ nd ya had ta violate the rules by shootin’ a couple of arrows when the prey was in someone’s back yard, the deer dyin’ gittin’ doused by the water sprinkler, but ya still ate the critter that night, shotgun shells and all, ya might be a redneck.

 

Now playing this week at Milford MegaCineplex

“Nightmare on Elm Street: The Year Freddy Rips Off Coach Kaz’s Earring And Wears It On His Nose For His Birthday.”

“Friday the 13th 21: Jason Throws The Flag And Decapitates Ms. Rizk While She’s Typing.”

A double feature, yeah, buddy. I understand that there’s Matinee Sunday. Bring your church program and you can watch both of these for the price of one, free bucket of popcorn included, butter extra (gotta make money somewhere, I reckon) . I know I’ll be answering the altar call this Sunday to “Just As I Am” at Milford Interdenominational Fellowship.

Now showing at the Milford VFW Post #56, Ladies Night

“Nightmare on Elm Street: Chance Finally Bludgeons Freddy With His Helmet, Charlie Roh Enters The Game”

We are about to learn about Chance’s past, given the outburst that he is inflicting on The Bully That Recurs Every Full Moon. No doubt, there’s going to be repurcussions of some kind and I wouldn’t be surprised if Roh, indeed, enters the scheme of things. If that’s the case, well, I’ve always wondered what would happen if Roh WASN’T ready while they’re reading the Tilden player’s last rites and puttin’ the cuffs on Chance, not that I blame Chance. 60 years of late hits and saying your mother is in the cell next to Papa Bader CAN build up. Now Chance know what us readers go through. Did you ever get blind-sided by the Gatorade cooler by bad plots?

Anyway

“Roh!!!!!!!!!! You’re in for Macy!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Hold on, Coach!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t find my jock strap. It was laying on the bench SOMEWHERE.”

Or

“Where’s Gil?”

“I dunno. Last I saw him, he was in The Family Circus going to the store to buy Purina for Barfy.”

“That’s Billy’s Dolly’s Jeffy’s P.J.’s job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have a fourth-and-goal situation on the 1-yard line and we need to know whether to send in Roh on short yardage.”

“Hell, Chet took him to Mudlark Lake Refuge to go huntin’.”

Like coach, like player.

Anyway, tune in tomorrow, same Gil channel, same Gil time for the conclusion, or lack thereof, of this Revenge of Norman Bates.

Couldn’t he just have stabbed the Tilden player in the shower? Why wait until the game?

 

Friday the 13th 32: Gil Hacks Jason With A Poulan When Jason Attacks Mimi’s Schedule!!!!

 

“And this time, I think Freddy will leave Chance alone. Freddy is going back to the huddle, licking his wounds. Man, those blades have to be sharp. Time out is called out on the field with the score, Milford 20, Tilden 7. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Have you had trouble recently with Jason coming into your household? Did he skewer Grandma and Grandpa at Thanksgiving? Was Aunt Bertha a replacement for the pig at the Thorp Family Reunion, apple included?

Hello, this is Dr. Pearl for Milford Funeral Solutions and if you’re like me, you worry if Barnabas Collins can break through the coffin and arise out of Milford Generic Cemetery and start feasting at Milford High School Annual Picnic.

Let me put your fears aside as Milford Funeral Solutions has installed the latest technology to deal with any Jason that needs to sleep in the Batesville casket where he belongs. The fine people at MFS have installed Sonitrol Wiring Systems under the reposing arms of the dear departed and securely fastened them to the pillows as extra security to ensure no unnecessary resurrections will transpire and interrupt the Easter Egg Hunt at Milford Day Care. An activation switch, the Hewlett-Packard F1000, is the best in the business and guards against Jason writing his own script and terrorizing once again the streets of Milford.

And with the casket made of solid pin oak that is grown at Milford Nursery, Jason will find himself trapped by the same item that produces acorns for the animals to feed. Doesn’t it give you peace of mind knowing that Jason is up to his derriere in acorn shells and trapped by the same? The lid is then sealed by tungsten handles that only that hideous idiot from ‘Phantasm’ can open. But he’s dead too and won’t be at your next Fourth of July Fireworks Extravaganza.

Let’s face it, when my sister died during the War of the Roses, I didn’t expect for her to come looking for me with a lance. I was not going to be pierced and somebody shouting ‘Vive le Revolution!!!!!!!!’ because the MFS personnel, in conjunction with the Milford Police and Sonitrol, have coordinated efforts to prevent tragic renewals from occuring. Harry Houdini will not choke my grandchildren with a chain before the alarm goes off. Nice to know Starsky and Hutch will be at my house to send Houdini back to his tombstone.

Come see for yourself and see why Milford Funeral Solutions is #1 in customer satisfaction. Freddy Krueger will just have to go terrorize Gilligan’s Island. At Milford Funeral Solutions, the customer is always right and 6 feet under.”

Go for it, Gang. But Ruh Roh, the times, they are a-changin’.

 

LOOK de plane de plane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Tattoo, is that Mr. Thorp and his wife AGAIN???? That’s the 7th trip in the last 6 months. We have to let the sod settle before he can fulfill his fantasy on the gridiron.”

October 1, 2019

I Think, Therefore I Cheap-shot.

Filed under: actual action, Fat Guys, football, Just Plain Awesome — tdrewhardin @ 2:24 am

100119

Nobody is ever going to accuse Gil of running a tight ship. When the play calls for a draw but the Tilden safety said something about the wide receiver’s mother, the Mudlark 11 can always call an audible so that the wide receiver can run a fly and run to the end zone and if he doesn’t catch the TD pass, he can at least use the goalpost stand as a turnbuckle. No, he didn’t get the game-winning score but Jerry Lawler got his Southern Tag Team Belt back that way. Coach, the Mouth of the South questioned my manhood. I had to throw him through the ropes. It’s a guy thing. You understand, of course.

Then we will also explore all the ways to conjugate “Cheap-shot.” Betcha you didn’t there are many ways to skin a cat. No really, when Descartes was expressing himself in Latin, when he wasn’t busy inventing the x-y graph, he was expanding the frontiers of our vocabulary. Just listen

Cogito, ergo Cheap-shatum

Isn’t that just mellifluous? Doesn’t that just make you wanna run to the Milford 5 & 10 and get the latest copy of Wheelock’s Latin? I understand they’re running a 2-for-1 special. Better hurry. This Latin classic and Lassie Levels Rin-Tin-Tin On The Porch is going like hot cakes. I know I’ve reserved my copy.

“Lassie, did you chase Marmaduke out of the neighborhood? I know he called you a dog.”

WOOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was Ruff. Where was Dennis the Menace?”

WOOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Over at Mr. Wilson’s house? What was he doing over there?”

WOOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Skinny-dipping in his pool? I didn’t know that Mr. Wilson built one in his back yard.”

WOOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“And Ruff said you look like you are hunching a fire hydrant every time you dog-paddle? Yeah, I guess I would have bitten his butt too. Good girl.”

 

If ya “accidentally” turn the wrong way when ya say “pull” and aim yore shotgun at a guy’s butt hangin’ outta his Levi’s instead of the clay pigeon at the Milford Con-ser-va-shun Club Turkey Shoot and ya didn’t git a 10-pound turkey with Stove-top Stuffin’ but ya went true on all his pimples in his crack cuz the dude said yore in-bred in-law needs ta settle up at the County Clerk and make it offi-shul, ya might be a redneck.

 

I used to officiate City League basketball games and one of my officiating partners, a good friend of mine, had a daughter who was married to a college basketball player. It wouldn’t be fair to tell who the coach was but the reason why this player transferred from this coach’s program, a major DI school in one of the better conferences, was because one day the coach called for a huddle and said

“Okay, gentlemen, we’re gonna run this play!!!!!!!!!”

And one of the players in the huddle calls out

“No way, go to Hell, Coach, we ain’t runnin’ that play!!!!!!!!!!”

Needless to say, this player wound up in a program where the coach was runnin’ the show.

And that’s what galls me in P1. Can’t you just SEE this one

“Okay, Guys, we got ’em where we want ’em. First-and-goal on the 2-yard line. We’re gonna do a double reverse left. We’ve run that play on Tilden for 60 years and they still haven’t figured it out yet.”

Gabe Salazar, adjusting his jock strap, getting the fleas out of his butt

“NAW, COACH, Go to Hell!!!!!!!!!! You’re just a sorry-ass comic-strip coach anyway. We’re doin’ an off-tackle right cuz the Tilden guys have a bunch of wienies, according to the on-going script anyway, and one of ’em said we only play teams that’d show up on The Brady Bunch!!!!!!!!!! I’m gonna level Greg Brady into the next county!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Mudlarks Win On Last-Second Field Goal!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I told Coach Kaz that if we pulled off that slant left one more time that we were going to meet behind the dumpster.”

 

And really, this whole conjugation thing, Latin or no Latin, wouldn’t have transpired if the Tilden player had just shut his mouth. But Gang, look at it as an opportunity. They haven’t shut their traps in 60 years anyway and if people want the strip to continue, do you REALLY expect the Tilden nose tackle to invite all the Mudlarks over for tea at the nose tackle’s abode? It might never happen (not really) but I entertained the notion because Tiki didn’t have a place for tea for a while. Hard to fellowship over Earl Grey in Hooverville.

ANYWAY, let’s explore the conjugation of cheap-shot when you decline it in the future pluperfect indicative

I will have had cheap-shotted Steve Luhm because he forgot again to put toilet paper rolls in the Port-o-Lets at the game. It was no fun using my football program to wipe.

You will have had cheap-shotted Luhm because he could have at least emptied the containers. the stench had reached Tilden.

He will have had cheap-shotted the refs when the Tilden player cheap-shotted Chance Macy and the refs cheap-shotted Coach Thorp with a 15-yard unsportsmanlike penalty.

We will have had cheap-shotted this plot by shifting our attention to Nancy and Sluggo.

They will have had cheap-shotted Coach Shaw for going on another sabbatical when Chance Macy is hitting his stride. This will not have had cheap-shotted any surprise but for once you’d like Coach Shaw to be there for the Championship ceremonies.

 

And as long as Gabe “Coach de facto” Salazar is wearing the headset because Gil wiped his butt with his own cuz Luhm forgot to install Charmin, could we have had at least cheap-shotted (i.e., removed)  those Lego blocks that shine at the most inopportune time? Nothing is more annoying than watching one of the players take charge when those rays of Toys ‘R’ Us are beaming on Mutiny on the Bounty. I am a horrible artist (my niece is the one that can draw, trust me, several exhibits along the Esplanade in our city attests to that) but, damn, I can draw a square with circles in it and draw rays (A line emanating from one point in a particular direction infinitely, in case you forgot your geometry) in all directions from that square full of circles. If this particular figure ever shows up at the Transfiguration, I’m changing Bibles.

And then we get to the gerundive case. Perfect (pardon the pun) for what’s happening in P3 (Gabe will have had humped the Tilden player on the 1-yard line.) . Heck, the verb in its proper form has already been supplied, all you have to do is fill in the details.

I am cheap-shotting this abysmal plot and anticipating basketball in the future indicative, er, future.

You are cheap-shotting Gabe and telling him STFU and be respecting his elders (2 for the price of one) .

He is cheap-shotting Gil’s hair. It is in dire need of Prell this time, not VO5.

We are cheap-shotting Mimi because all she does is have verandah chats and coach 5-game basketball seasons.

They are cheap-shotting the girls basketball season because there WAS no season last year. Mimi felt cheap-shotted (hey, bending the rules here) .

 

“And Gabe really took a shot here. Man, things got ugly pretty fast. I know Gil calls his plays out of the comic section but this is ridiculous. We’ll take a break as the Milford General EMT goes to go get the stretcher. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“Honeyyyyyyyyyy, I bought you something!!!!!!!!!! It’ll make things more fun at night!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coach Shaw is buried in his Second Year Latin book trying to conjugate the Latin word for “cheap-shot” in the imperative case

“Okay, here we go ‘Cheap-shoterum urbe Romularum” Man, that’s a funny way to say “Nuke the city of Rome” but if ya wanna learn the language, ya take the good with the bad. I learned that when I was ditching and coaching the team. Now let’s see here, ‘Caesar Augustus cheap-shotat Hannibaleris Montonae Capitolae Anno Domini-”

“Honey, let’s learn Latin another time and let’s learn how to have a good time.”

“Just when I was gettin’ to the part where the verb ‘to fiddle” was declined? I’m still having trouble with the accusative case. Let’s see, ‘A flunky cheap-shotted Nero with his violin-”

“Put the book in the Saturday Evening Post rack and take this pill and this glass of water.”

“Man, it looks like a Contac. Woman, I ain’t got no snot up my nose. What are you tryin’ to do, put me to sleep so you can catch my significant other off guard? Have sex while I’m in La La Land?”

“Just try it and see what happens. I didn’t just want to give you pills like these other sex clinics. Once you swallow this one, there’s a time-release that’s supposed to really get you aroused.”

“Woman, you tried doing that with Flintstones Chewables and I wound up worse than a kid eatin’ Twinkies. I was bouncin’ off the walls for 3 days and I was still flatter than a pancake. What makes you think THIS will work?”

“Honey, just try it. FOR ME?”

“Oh, all right.”

 

“OMG. Whatever they got out of Milford Creek got me goin’ like Jumpin’ Jack Flash. I’d never gotten so horny in all my life. It just hit me like a ton of bricks and next thing you know we were having sex just about anywhere. You name it, we were doin’ it. It was a little tight at the top of the Statue of Liberty but visitation was slow so we managed. Bribing security helped. And we had to watch the piranhas in the Amazon but we stayed near the shallow waters, no problem.

Yes, you men should take the cue and special-order these tablets that’ll get you higher than Gil’s hair. And with the coupon that you should be getting in the mail anyday now, that’s even more of a reason to conquer your erectile problems once and for all. Conquering that and your woman never felt so good. Get your own time-release from Milford Men’s Clinic and you can pump your woman and watch for sharks in the ocean too. Greatest feeling in the world. Check it out at The Clinic today. You’ll be glad you did.”

 

All right, Gang. Cheap-shot away. I still gotta do some more work on the genitive case. Hmmmmmm “The Cheap-shottedness of Gil Thorp’s grandma…”

 

“We will cheap-shot the fish by the river, they will cheap-shot the thugs under the bridge…”

“Gil, come to bed.”

September 10, 2019

The Plot Is Marching Deep Into Enemy Territory. Maybe It’ll Reach The Red Zone.

Filed under: actual action, football, Just Plain Awesome, Oakwood — tdrewhardin @ 9:03 am

091019

Now I didn’t say it was going to score. Thorpiverse could run into a goal-line stance. Yup, just when we think Joe Montana has engineered the drive that’ll win the Super Bowl, we could experience a reversal of fortune

“Montana sees Rice in the end zone, for the Championship, Montana throws, Rice ha-”

MARY HARTMAN, MARY HARTMAN.

Well, it was fun while it lasted. Joe kept the chains going anyway. And it was smart for Jerry Rice to step out of bounds to kill the clock. That kept The Drive going. I’ll just have to watch it on tape delay after the local news tonight. I think the plot does do reruns.

If I do stay up late, do I want to see that Late Abstractionist footwear again? Thorpiverse apparently forgot to bring his cleats so he went to the locker room to get out his Red Ball specials. Didn’t they wear those items in “Son of Flubber?” They were able to jump over the goal post in that game, as I recall. They could get to the concession stand in one bounce and Coach Thorp would never know. Why run an end around when you could run like a flea on a fly pattern. Just throw to that Oreo sky, I’ll catch the damn thing.

Well, at least the centipede today in P1 has all its legs. Normally, there’s a foot or two missing when we’re engineering the plot, or the football, forward. This time, shoild they score, the good news is, the Mudlarks will have all their appendages attached and I mean, in the proper order. No Toy Story job,  i.e., hand going in the shoulder socket where the collarbone is as a rule located. The hamstring will be right side up. Pectoralis major will be a pectoralis major, not flashing a facade as your tibia.

What about the other team? Will they have their fibula in its right mind? Hey, in this business, you worry about your own problems. I’ll let Coach Andrews worry about how to shoehorn somebody’s humerus and ulna bone out of that Oakwood free safety’s butt.

 

Come to Jeff Smith Marathon and say hello to Bre and Crystal who run the place professionally and with a smile. They are getting a HUGE shoutout because they treat the customer like a king and keep the place humming in the bargain. Sounds like service to me. Heck, the customers in the waiting room were in a great conversation with the ladies, that’s how much of a rapport they have with customers and the public in general. Factor in great mechanics where the parking area is ALWAYS full(gotta hand it to ’em, they’re BUSY), great gas at great prices, and you have a winner for a business. Take Exit 118 off I-64 in Indiana, follow Indiana 62 West until you see the FIRST road to your left and you are THERE(across the road from Edwardsville UMC).

Gang, support Small Business. You need to go where EVERYBODY knows your name. Bre and Crystal know mine.

 

And it appears that Mudlarks are finding the seams in Oakwood’s defense and moving forward in their quest for a score. It may have taken 6-7 panels for Milford’s offensive coordinator to make the adjustments but looky here, in P1 they made it to the 9/10 line. Toldja they’d run a screen out right. Caught the O’wood outside linebacker napping.

 

Because I’m a little overwhelmed after reading some travel magazine article saying we, the general public, would be surprised at what country leads the world in the divorce rate, myself laying money on Papua New Guinea because Christie Brinkley may be foxy-looking but being cooped up with her on an island 24/7 and looking at coconuts and monkeys in trees as your summer social in the South Pacific might not as appealing as what is being stated in the travel brochure

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Leads The Valley Conference In Marriage Annulments Granted, According To The Milford Municipal Clerk’s Office!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Andrews: ‘I kept telling the reporter “My wife and I are still together!” The Ward and June arrangement was just a stopgap until they took the stitches out from my hernia surgery!!!!'”

 

And P2 gets a little more funkier in the artwork. In P1, shoes were the only issue but the Dadaist Movement has extended itself just a little bit more. And it works.

It’s art worthy of Guggenheim when the quarterback is handing off the Wonder Bread loaf, or faking the French bread and making it LOOK like the fullback is going to rip the sideline with the pumpernickel safely tucked in his bicep.

Speaking of biceps, isn’t it amazing how the quarterback has been pumping iron to fill his right arm with a generous supply of muscle, unclear why he left his left arm so that he’d have to use pour Liquid Drano down his wrist later on to remove the nasty clog.

And again, we THINK this is a fake, sneaking a peek into P3. Mr. Pentagon Head in the background might know, he’s really wrapped up in this cliffhanger. I hope he doesn’t fall out of the stadium, the structure is leaning over again after Milford Disposal dumped another wad under the bleachers. And that sign!!!!! You’d hate to lose it just because the Leaning Tower of Pisa finally gave out and overlapped onto the field. It’d be hell on goal post repairs and the sign might be lost forever. What other comic strip has cheesy generic placards? Should have done some pre-planning, Thorpivsrse.

If ya march yore trailer down Main Street in Milford and ya had ta have the Milford Police, Milford Sheriff’s Department, Milford Reserve Guard, Milford Horse Brigade, Milford Elementary School Patrol Boys, Milford Air National Unit, Milford VFW Post Retired Guard, Local 234, and the Canadian Mounties serve as escorts while yore runnin’ all the red lights, stop signs, yield signs, and the School Zone speed limit warnings, just so ya could make it to the Milford Luxury Estates Trailer Park b’fore they shut the gate at 8:00PM, ya might be a redneck.

3 and 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE ARE MAKING PROGRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I remember when I was in school and we would cheer on our high school football team with the war cry

FIRST AND TEN!!!!!!!!!!! DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

FIRST AND TEN!!!!!!!!!!! DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

FIRST AND ETC., ETC., ETC.

I’m confident I don’t need to repeat myself ad infinitum. Anyway, this is how I feel HERE. The plot is going to keep churning up the yardage and ram it down Oakwood’s throat. Man, those Walnuts don’t stand a chance. Just remember, Milford, look the ball in the tuck, don’t grab the nose tackle’s leg when you’re blocking and no unnecessary chances. We don’t need heroes. No long bombs at the 16-yard line. If you’re thinking of going deep in the 18th row where the marching band is playing, forget it. No calling for the ball by the tuba.

Let Pissy Face do his Texas Line Dance while the quarterback executes a fake draw. Those fans sitting in the splotchy staircase that’s leaning over the county line will never know what hit ’em. Neither will Oakwood. That’ll teach Coach Andrews to bolt on Gil when there was normalcy returned to the plot. You’re going to run into shitty plots whether you’re in Milford, New Thayer, Oakwood, Amsterdam, Havana, Rio, etc., Coach Andrews. Serves you right.

 

And I tell you what, Gang, I just get excited when I read that Alex Trebek holds the Guinness Book of World Records for hosting the most game show segments, 6,829, outdueling, yes, you guessed it, Bob “I moderated the Lincoln-Douglas Debates when I was a college student, majoring in Frontier Broadcast Journalism” Barker. Now I know that Barker did “Milford or Consequences” back  in the ’60’s-early ’70’s and he did a lot of shows so I’m thinking this is a dubious record. After all, the show was shot in the gym and that gets very little usage, the plot spending much more time divided between “Romper Room” and “Another World”. Studio audience in the bleachers? And they’re saying pre-historic Barker didn’t host beaucoup shows where they SHOULD be shooting free throws with the game on the line? Are you serious?

 

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O. J. Openly Questions Trebek’s Duration; Will Have Cochran Research The Issue InThe Archives At Milford Public Library!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I KNOW that dude didn’t do better than Wink Martindale. Wink had to have hosted over 7,000 shows of ‘Dialing for Mudlarks’. Ol’ Wink’s a legend here in Milford. Picks up the tab every time at Milford Lounge.”

 

THEY’RE RUNNING THE FLUBBER PLAY IN P3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Mudlarks want Oakwood to THINK Biff Hawk Schuring is throwing a pigskin but in reality it’s a fake reverse; Tiki Jensen is inflated with Flubber and has the football crammed up his butt, hidden by the overly inflated uniform. I sniffed it out because the referee was a dead giveaway. He’s the great-grandson of Alan Carney, the referee in the “Son of Flubber” game. He just grew a Fu Manchu so that Oakwood wouldn’t notice (“Hey, wasn’t that the guy who signaled a field goal when Biff kicked that 98-yarder?”) . Plus, the atmosphere in Milford Planetarium and Observatory can wreak havoc when you’re trying to read the play; some of the stars on the cardboard cast a poor perspective on Tiki Flubber so he can just float the last 20 yards untouched. Otherwise, you can see Venus in the sky if you squint.

 

ALL RIGHT, FIRST UNIT BACK IN AND FORGET YOUR MANNERS. WE AIN’T LETTIN’ THE MUDLARKS AND THE REST OF THE FLUBBERS BACK IN THE GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Coach Andrews, it’s 7-7, 4th quarter.”

 

“The game is knotted at 7 apiece but Milford threatens to score. They’re 2nd and goal and Coach T. wants to call a time out to talk things over. We’ll head to a commercial break. This is Marty Moon and you’re tuned into WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“You know, there are legends and there are LEGENDS. That’s why when I heard that the Guinness Brothers didn’t give Wink Martindale proper respect after he had hosted Milford Bingo Busters (“If ya yell ‘BINGO, you’re BUSTED”) for as long as Marty Moon’s goatee grew from peach fuzz to GQ celebrity statues, we were just a little perturbed here at Milford Beverage Warehouse. Hi, this is Coach Thorp and I wasn’t going to let Mr. and Mrs. Guinness get away with murder, that’s why WDIG is happy to announce the Wink Martindale Marathon, starting this Sunday at 5:00PM, Mudlark Standard Time and will show all of Wink’s memories from beginning to end, 24 hours a day until Wednesday, sponsored by Milford Beverage Warehouse and Milford Sewer Department. Didn’t you get a chill when you were downin’ your Early Times Bourbon Whiskey, $24.99 a bottle, when the contestant decided to go for it? The odds weren’t  favoring the peanut landing on B 24, but that’s why I’m an absentee coach and Wink’s a true star who has his star on the Milford Walk of Fame. Wink told the contestant to go for the gusto, you only go around once in life, and it paid off, the jackpot totaling $35 million. Wink shouldn’t have slobbered on the guy but that’s Wink.

How ’bout kickin’ back with your Evan Williams Hard Cider, $120 a case and kibbitzing while the judges try to decide on a ruling on whether the peanut that landed on N 19 should count, just because it bounced off Wink’s hair? Pretty sure that the judgment ruled in the contestant’s favor on the condition that half his winnings go to Milford Charities Bureau. Wink was all about fair play.

And I remember coming home late one night, half soused, and poppin’ the remote and seeing a tape delay of the show, swipin’ a Bud Dark Burn Lite from the 24-pack on the coffee table, that I bought for $40.99. Thank God I had my Visa Magic Milford Beverage Warehouse Platinum handy cuz I lost the damn thing under the couch. But Wink was in rare form, chastising a couple of contestants after they tried to sneak in Q45 and Z 75. Like Wink couldn’t spell. BINQO? Puh-lease.

And this week, as a special bonus to stoke up the competition for the 6th Annual Frisbee Golf Competition here at the Warehouse, there’s a challenging route, par 4, dog leg left, where your frisbee has to negotiate over the pile of Milford Beer Nuts in the middle of the floor. Talk about a sand trap. Then you have to position yourself to knock the covers off Wink’s bed in a cardboard cut-out showing him sleeping with the assistant female producer of the show. I may not like the concept but sometimes you gotta play the game if you want to host a first-rate operation. It was either that or take Eubanks’ place on the “Newleywed Game” and I couldn’t see him trying to get a couple to stop fighting over their disagreement on where they vacationed in Finland.

It’s all right here at Milford Beverage Warehouse. And have your sleeping bag ready this Sunday where you can go back to the good ol’ days and sip a cold Coors while enjoying the Marathon. Come down and get your TV bill of fare and tell ’em Wink and Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

All right, Gang. It’s all yours. I hope Ned Brainerd used the right amount of  Flubber this time; the last time, Tiki ran into his flying Model T and both landed on top of The Bucket.

 

“Do you know how to make a dead baby float?”

Gil and Mimi are clueless

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

“Oh, Coach, I’m sorry, it’s 2 scoops of dead babies and a Bucket Root Beer. Well, since you couldn’t tell the Truth AND you live in Milford, you’ll have to pay the Consequences…”

 

 

April 19, 2019

Hats Off!

Filed under: Just Plain Awesome, softball — robmize2013 @ 9:14 pm

As Harry Carey would say– Holy cow! Its a rarity for there to be a real happy moment in the middle of a storyline, but this is it. Hats for everyone. And theyre all red, to go along with the red pants and red jerseys. How heartwarming. Oh yeah, hearts are red too!

Thats really gonna be a statement when they all walk into a room with their new fedoras on.. I think its just a rare feel-good moment in a strip that rarely has any until the end of a story, and even then its usually contrived. This is really different in that regard. Team unity should be over the top now.

Of course its possible that there are storm clouds ahead and Whigrub is merely teasing us with good feelings before the inevitable jealousy of some sort creeps in, but I tell ya, I’m gonna enjoy this while it lasts.

May 23, 2018

Launch Angles!

052318

OK, Gil Thorp, I am not ashamed to admit that, when it comes to depictions of cartoon violence, you have my full attention. Showing the Derby baserunner (my hero!) dusting himself off in P1 just before getting tackled made my day. The only disappointment is that we miss the rest of the tussle and skip right ahead to the ump ejecting BB.

Bonus points:

BB’s form looks pretty good in panel two.

I always thought umps tossed people with their thumbs, not their pointer fingers but maybe I’m wrong about that.

Bonus questions:

How much of a run up do you think BB got and did the Derby baserunner (my hero!) see him coming or was he hit from the side?

Did I mention that the Derby baserunner is my hero?

January 24, 2018

The Girly-Girl Basketball The Guys Play Around Here.

012418

Reading back from panels two and three, it’s really difficult to imagine the foul being committed mid-shot by Paloma in panel one, but I suppose she might have pushed off in panel zero.

Speaking of panel two, kudos to the chief on all of the details he’s included. And take those kudos back when the ref gains fifty pounds between panels two and three.

Bonus Points: Three straight panels of actual action including Paloma Padilla giving the zebra guff. I like it!

January 3, 2018

All Is Forgiven

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Just Plain Awesome, Marty Moon, Milford Idiots, Pissy faced Gil — timbuys @ 10:20 am

010318

You know, if the next week of strips is just Gil and Marty getting progressively more aggressively glib with their repartee, then I am all in.

I won’t even point out things like Gil’s ‘Thorf’ nameplate or his stick figure team portraits or the comically low back on the chair he’s making Marty sit in.

Yeah, I wouldn’t. But you go right ahead.

July 21, 2017

An old Case for a new plot

Filed under: basketball, bizarre cameos, football, Gil Thorp, Just Plain Awesome — robmize2013 @ 7:40 pm

Well lookie here, it IS Jaquan ‘The Don’ Case and his merry man, Trey Davis. Good job whoever opined who these 2 new characters were. Oh for the old days, before I had t this weekly gig and all I did was read the shit. I dont remember when the Don was in his heyday, but I’m guessing 2008. Thats 9 years ago. If Pelweki is 17 or 18 now, that would make him 8 or 9 when the Don was in this strip. I wasnt watching high school sports or Any sports, until I was 12. So who knows whether Kevin is blowing smoke up the Dons ass or if he really was attending high school hoops games at an age when his attention span was roughly 27 seconds.

OK I looked around for an old The Don strip in  action but I cant find one. So the editor team will have that job – it was a fun plot, and the old days are all some of us have going at this point. These last few storys have been like piles of manure, each one smelling a little worse then the last. Welcome back Don!!

 

 

Older Posts »

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.