This Week in Milford

April 29, 2022

Singing the blues

Bad enough that we have a blind pitcher nobody knows about. Now we have another guy who can see just fine bitching about the umps calls. Nomar is blaming the ump for his pitiful performance. Wah wah wah. What a bunch of freakin losers on this team. Of course Chief One Eye didnt notice and has to be warned on the bus postgame about it, so he can bitch about calls when its his turn to draw Blue Narrow behind the plate. Nothing like team camaraderie the wrong way. Didnt Atherton have the same ump? Hey we scored 5 runs.

That bus must be as narrow as Blues’ strike zone with only one ass to a seat.

This team is so mentally weak I have no idea how they survive the season anywhere near the playoffs unless Gil has a meeting to address the whole thing. But we havent seen Gil lately.

March 24, 2022

Hey, Gordon, Looks Like You Had Your Wheaties.

I’m gettin’ sappy nostalgic on you whippersnappers again but I bet you’ll love this one. You old fogeys like me surely remember the great Johnny Bench when he was with the Cincinnati Reds and the famed Big Red Machine. You hated them because they WON all the time. They would steal more victories than Pranit’s betting network and even when you beat them, you EARNED it. I’ve told this before but bears repeating, once on the day of the 1976 Major League Baseball All-Star Game, an announcer said flatly on the radio “Tonight, the American League will take on the Cincinnati Reds”. THAT’S how formidable they were.

That said, Bench was in this Wheaties commercial where nothing is going right (the whole thing looked staged judging by the softball warm-up shirt the opponent was wearing) as he applies the tag and his catcher’s mitt falls off or he fields a bunt and slips on his ass or tries to field a foul pop in the stands and winds up practically getting a kid’s ice cream and the ball back because another kid feels sorry for him. As this comedy of errors is happening, a jingle is playfully playing, as if some dog-and-pony band is taunting him, “Heyyyyyyyyyy, John, you didn’t have your Wheaties/C’mon, Man, you’re lookin’ kinda sad”, or something to that effect. Finally, the umpire gruffly says “Hey, Bench, you didn’t have your Wheaties today, did ya?” Bench wasn’t going to argue.

But damn, it looks like the Wheaties truck pulled up at this game right behind Nick’s Pizza and Jay’s Subs, judging by Gordon’s physique today. He must have eaten a bathtub full of Wheaties. It’s a shame if they don’t make the Playdowns. He’d be the starting middle linebacker, hands down. And if you have any lingering gambling debts, you better pay ’em now or King Kong will be at your locker faster than you can say Goodfellas. I know I’m looking through my 3-ring binder for any outstanding betting slips.

And Pranit is yet another player leading the Wheaties parade today. Anybody who can toss a beach ball into a waste basket the janitor borrowed from one of the classrooms must have OD’d on the cereal. This is what psychologists call Compensation. You want to show how grateful you are that Gil didn’t put you in a strait jacket and ship your ass in the Valley Modified van to Valley Modified when he was within the boundaries to do so AND REALLY SHOULD HAVE ANYWAY that you become compulsive/obsessive for Wheaties, Shredded Wheat, Total, Great Value Flakes, Life, Post Toasties, Corn Whispies, which helps you play the game of your career. You can shoot a Great Value Flakes box into the basket, you’re that pumped. You and King Kong could win the Valley if the coaching ate its Wheaties but it appears Gil’s had one box of Cocoa Puffs too many. God, no wonder why the team falls apart.

Heyyyyyyyyyyy, Gil, you didn’t have your Wheaties

C’mon, dude, your manhood’s kinda sad

“Gil, you didn’t eat your Wheaties. Don’t come back to bed until you’ve had a bowl or two.”

“Are they still in that Lazy Susan?”

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Bobby Howry Denied Access From Milford Outdoor Agency For Six Months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“‘Gil coaches like he’s got a Wheaties box wedged in his butt cheeks’ was deemed inappropriate by Outdoor Agency officials.”

Sheesh, no wonder why Pranit is having a career night. My goodness, the structure of the basketball backboard, goal, uprights, rafters, etc., looks like they were created out of somebody’s jungle gym. If Milford Elementary School cancelled recess due to lack of playground equipment, we can soon zero in on the culprit.I think they kept the slide unless Gil is desperate enough to replace some of the bleachers that have had better days. Keep the chains from the swings in case Homer the Ref blows a block/charge and need something to fling at him when he isn’t looking. We wouldn’t want Homer to swallow his whistle.

Anyway, have a day, Pranit. You should have had more of those but we’re too anxious for Spring sports to care.

Heyyyyyyyyyy, Dr. Pearl, you didn’t eat your Wheaties

C’mon, Ma’am, file cabinet’s overran

“Honey Bunches Moon Pie Sniggle Snuggle Petie Pie, you’re more frigid than a Klondike bar. Did you eat your Wheaties?”

“Oh dear, I knew there was something I neglected to note in my appointment book. I’ll be right back. Where’s the reading lamp?”

Is Thorpiverse still griping about those deadbeats that didn’t pay up on their gambling debts? Folks, I am not prepared to open up another can of worms when we’ve had plenty crawl all over the floor. Like, where is THIS leading? If Pranit solicits Gordon’s prowess again, is Gil going to get tough and use the paddle on Pranit? We know Pranit isn’t going to Valley Modified and you get the feeling that unless he plants a bomb in the boiler room, he’s going to get no worse than the switch. I oughta tan your hide for roughing up students on account of the Indiana-Purdue game. Gil Thorp meets Pa Kettle. What a way to fly into Spring sports.

Let this go already. Pranit is on a roll, then Tevin brings up a subject he was preaching loud and long against and is now basically saying that they may have dragged your ass into Hell but they could have at least rolled out the red carpet on your way there.

And what is Pranit going to do, not that I’m advising playing with fire. He already went the Tough Guy Route. Send the FTD Florist to each deadbeat as a gesture of goodwill? Well, he won’t get suspended by the school or knocked up side his head a two-by-four per Gil but these kinds of things show up in Gene Stratton Porter stories. Some lout in Limberlost didn’t cough up the money, now he’s invited to the church picnic and as long as he brings his own 3-bean salad, the matter is forgiven. Just don’t forget to call the umpire for the Annual Valley Modified-Milford Battle For Valley Conference Bragging Rights game.

“O.J. Turns Down Offer From Milford Screen Actors Guild For A Spot In A Wheaties Commercial!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I eat Milford Valley Corny Chocolate Crunchies every morning and I don’t see that changing now.”

And really, did Gordon pull a wheat combine and park in the Faculty lot before the game because he bulked up to Shaq proportions. I can see the threat. Pay Pranit what’s owed him or I’ll pull this John Deere all over yo’ body. He could dismantle the goal and uprights all by himself at this point. Get your debts settled pronto or risk getting a Milford & Oakwood Passenger Sunday Special shoved in your living room. Thus spake Gordon.

Heyyyyyyyy, Corinaaaaa, you didn’t have your Wheaties

C’mon, lass, your head is up your ass

“Corina, you okay? That’s the 10th passed ball today.”

“Shhhhhhhhh, I’m trying to get out of my scholarship.”

And again, WHAT is Pranit going to do? Even admitting that we might get a clever ying to this useless yang, Mr. Ed has done left the barn and Wilbur Post is at Milford Auction Services in the market for another horse. It’s nice to see everybody getting all kissy-faced with Pranit when he really needed a size 12 in the you-know-where for his insouciant carelessness and should have gotten butter-knifed to Valley Modified but do we have to sustain more self-inflicted injuries and find out he put anybody who owed him anything through the Salvation Army Debt Forgiveness Program? All they had to do was contribute a tax-deductible $25 to the soup kitchen? How they had money to finance bums eating canned Spam but couldn’t repay Pranit, well, y’know Gil, er, the devil’s in the details. But given the sillliness of the plot, the just-mentioned scenario was simply par for the course.

So now we put a tracker on Pranit and he’s at Milford Moose Lodge Fellowship Hall where a huge feast is thrown for even those who owe him a quarter for what spit out of the gumball machine and we all hug and grab and embrace and Pranit even gets an award for Best Sixth Man since he was being benched for being stupid but bailed out Gil when Gordon wasn’t plowing through the defense. We have a few days until April. There’s still time to form a committee for the feast.

Gang, I’ve tried. I have honestly tried. I know variety is the spice of life but when I heard on the radio the other day about Compressed Therapy for Erectile Dysfunction, how could I NOT address the issue, especially when lots of men in Mudlarkland have wimpy wim wims when going to bed? And all they needed was a laminating press as an antidote? I had to answer the call

At the Thorp household one fine afternoon

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Mommy, Daddy is in the den and he’s making a lot of noise. He’s saying something like ‘I’m goin’ hard or goin’ home’. He also said something about his money back.”

“WHAT????? Keri, Mommy is going to stop this carnival before it makes a clown out of you and me.”

WHIIIIRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Ahhhhhhh, that’ll speed up the process. This Jacuzzi Mini-Tub I ordered will get my thang harder than the Rock of Gibralter in less than half an hour. And all I have to do is add some epsom salts. Gotta flavor the meat.”

KNOCK!!!!!!!!!!!! KNOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KNOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Gil, unlock this damn door now!!! You are scaring the bejabbers out of the kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

WACKY TACKY WACKY TACKY WACKY-

“Honey, dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t bother me now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m in the rinse cycle of this compression machine that I put together from the parts I ordered from Milford Electronics. I need a gentle massage and a spraying away all the detritus from my thang. This’ll only take a moment.”

“Daddy, why were you using test tubes earlier? I heard a lot of crashing and clinking.”

“Honey, Daddy has to be a man and if he has to go to Hobby Lobby to buy a chemistry set to aid and abet in the cause, then by God, it’ll be worth it when he’s making a goal line stance with Mommy in bed tonight.”

more CLINK!!!!!!! CLINK!!!!!!!!!! CLINK!!!!!!!!!!! CLUNK!!!!!!!!!!!

“Keri, if Daddy was using the EREC-3503 Anti-Coagulant Thermal Formula that I laid on the dresser, there’d be no need for test tubes, Erlenmeyer flasks, Bunsen burners, beakers, or Jacuzzi wash tubs. Now, Gil, can this foolishness and get your butt out here NOW!!!”

HMMMMMMMMMMYEEEEEEEOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW as the compressed therapy erectile enhancer machine growls like Joe “Tricky Sam” Nanton used to do with his trombone in the Duke Ellington Orchestra

“Mimi, it’s like this. When you add enough hydrochloric acid to methanedeoxydrylmagnesiumethanolsulfuricpentagranicnitroussonicnutrasweetstinkinggasradicaliondilithiumterrabutylacetylene, it should pump that thang after you have gone through the treadmill and titrated General Mills Reduced Fat Flour and then run off enough phenylthalene to distill through the pipetted solution that contains enough solute to blow up Assembly Hall and generate the cathode tube through your spleen to stimulate the compression process so that tonight, I’ll be a new man after I limped on the court like Willis Reed and still got the Knicks the championship.”

“Mommy, can we go to Toys ‘R’ Us and buy a chemistry set? I want to put sulfuric acid on my wee wee so I don’t go limp like this Mr. Willis that Daddy’s talking about.”

“YOU’LL DO NOTHING OF THE SORT, JAIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gil, open this door-“

BLAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

“Damn, I knew I should have added acid to water.”

“It wasn’t a picnic cleaning up the mess. And I took that Anti-Coagulant Formula Mimi was pushing on me and can see why she did. We have had the time of our lives and every night is Game 7 of the 1970 NBA Finals and I’m Willis Reed dunkin’ on Wilt with a reinvigorated thang. Come to Milford Men’s Clinic where the friendly staff can show you how to a reverse jam on your partner. Manhood has never been better.”

Gang, that’s enough. Stop sending Andre the Giant into the game. Shoot, he devoured the whole Wheaties factory. ‘Nuff said.

But God bless you anyway

Heyyyyyyyyyy, Thorpiverse, you didn’t eat your Wheaties

C’mon, Man, this plot is kinda sad

Heyyyyyyyyy…

November 5, 2021

What sport is this again?

Filed under: Just plain sad, Mimi Thorp, Pissy faced Mimi, Volleyball — robmize2013 @ 4:30 pm

Back to volleyball practice, where it looks like Kianna is too tired to do the pommel horse routine. I dont know how Mimi coaches all these sports at once– isnt basketball her primary sport? The hells she know about — wait a minute — this is gymnastics, not volleyball right?? Did the editor of this strip fall asleep too? Maybe he has jet lag from all his travels.

On her way home Kianna finally breaks into tears at it all. Dont know what the matter is; but Im sure Spiller can rectify it with some hypnosis,. But gotta dry those eyes first.

Speaking of travels, we’re turning our clocks back this weekend and ending Daylight Savings Time for about 4 months. I was thinking about how many times I’ve switched time zones this year. Some people have a problem when we change our clocks adjusting to the change– well for me its just another day at the office. If I was like that I’d never survive. Here are my time changes this year:

January: drove to Muskegon – (CST – EST) and back home 2 days later (EST – CST)

March: changed my clock at home from CST to CDT

May: drove to Detroit (CDT – EDT) and back home 2 days later (EDT – CDT)

June: flew to Myrtle Beach (CDT – EDT) and back 6 days later (EDT – CDT)

July: flew to Rhode Island (CDT – EDT) and back 6 days later (EDT – CDT)

August: flew to Colorado (CDT – MDT) and back 5 days later (MDT – CDT)

September: drove to Upper Michigan (campsite was EDT the rest was CDT) and back 3 days later (EDT – CDT). We didnt observe the time change so not counting this one. But my phone was going back and forth.

October: flew to Las Vegas (CDT – PDT) and back 2 days later (PDT – CDT) a 2-hour difference this time.

November: changing my clock at home from CDT to CST.

December: going to Antarctica through South America which is a 2 hour time change, and their time zone is UTC, and back 12 days later. I believe we will use the same time zone in the South Pole as Argentina.

So my total is 16 times changing my clock or watch, not counting the UP trip of course, which would make it 18. What Im saying is my watch gets more exercise then a member of Couch Potatos Anonymous.

Time for a song:

August 20, 2021

Idiots 101

Boy if we had any notions that Rubin knew squat about golf, this summer storyline proved it. We’ve gone over the ludicrous dialogue enough already; suffice it to say all todays panels are are the cherry on the horseshit sundae.

P1 – Nobody puts their clubs in the car like that– you put the club end in first, then the bottom of the bag is the last part in. And for gods sakes– Hendricks knows the way out! Did he just go blind? I know his eyes are shut as he dutifully deposits his bag in his trunk ( as everyone does after every round Ive ever played) but jesus, has he been fuckin LIVING at the course?? Did he forget where the door was?! Imagine living with these douchbags for 3 months. I’d rather live in that cornfield where his ball was, along with a thousand others. I havent gotten over Gil searching a cornfield for what MAY be Carters ball– any goddamn golfer with any time in the game knows no matter how good you are you can still yank one into the cornfield. Scratch or no scratch. And the cost of the ball– I dont belong to a country club but the pro CARING about the difference between a $4 ball and a $1.50 ball, when dues for these places are thousands of dollars… is just lunacy. Who the hell buys balls one at a time anyway??

I’ve been playing golf since 1978, and not one of these statements made in this storyline has ever been made by me or anyone I’ve either played with, or come in contact with, or said on a TV broadcast of a tournament.

P2– Well gee, Heather needed the lowest possible course in college to do research that any 12 year old could do. So all the pro did was bring Carter into the room and BS him about pressing charges and writing a check. I really found a couple things hard to believe– that 15 years later he looked that similar that Heather knew it was him– I’ve seen what 15 years does to some people. Next, why would Carter keep THE SAME raincoat in his bag for 15 years? You play golf a lot your bag wears out too, and getting a new bag means tossing the old junk in the old one out. And my old raincoat literally made me wetter after so long, so I got another one. AND WHY KEEP A COLLEGE RAINCOAT ANYWAY? I keep an old winter hat from my college– in my closet so it doesnt get worn out. Who cares about raincoats??

P3– so the pro was just BS-ing Carter– well, so much for any credibility HE has. If I’m Carter I dont send him shit– I move on to the next club where everyone there has a goddamn brain and an IQ above 65. And I go about my business and keep on raking in the dough, and nobody will give a fuck about my $1.50 balls or my damn raincoat or my handicap. Getting away from these morons is the best thing thats happened to Carter. As Green Day sang— Good Riddance!

May 26, 2021

Blood Is Thicker than Coffee

Filed under: Central, High Five Fail, Just plain sad, Mimi Thorp, talking hand — teenchy @ 9:39 am

So that’s how it’s gonna be.

Katy knows her father is trying to get on the library board to defund the Milford Public Library solely because he went there once and saw that there were computers not in use at that moment. This even after Zane showed up for dinner and explained how having those computers available benefited people like himself – a kid whose family has become financially strapped due to his father’s crippling disability and the subsequent loss of income. Now Zane’s gonna stand up to Abel and for the library by running for the same library board seat and, knowing the entire backstory, Katy’s gonna distance herself from him and side with her dad? Even when she knows what will happen to Zane if Abel has his way?

Time to rethink my stance on Katy Brito.

Thank goodness there’s still a sympathetic female character to get behind in this arc, a creature of pure light and supernatural talent so gifted that her sharp tongue and penchant for targeting people for public humiliation is readily overlooked. What amazing strings will Mimi pull for Corina to get into State U and have a full-time caretaker look after her mom while she attends? Here at TWIM, come for the softball, stay for the gymnastics!

March 27, 2021

Drive By lunacy

Filed under: ?, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots, Milford Weirdos — robmize2013 @ 7:17 pm

As the pieces of this puzzle start coming together we find Vic driving Dougs car by the girls as they pose for a team piture outside the school. Of course Doug arranged the whole thing so Vic could look cool for Tessi, which is like telling a horse you love it after it shits on you while youre washing it.

If Tessi is impressed with THAT, she’s even more of a moron then either of these 2 dufusses, who again dont know when to quit doing stupid stuff to impress a girl. Good thing there didnt Happen to be any traffic on the road, as a screeching pullaway from 0 to 65 in 2 seconds could easily result in a collision with some old fart driving 5 mph under the speed limit on his way to the barber.

Yes I peeked at the Saturday strip, and by golly we find out how Vic pulled this off. If thats what he’s gotta do to impress Tessi, well, suffice it to say, he didnt get what he deserved.

December 9, 2020

The S.S. Meaningful Drama? That Ship Has Sailed

Filed under: actual action, football, Gil Thorp, Highlight reel, Just plain sad, Valley Tech — teenchy @ 11:11 am

We’ve reached that time in the story arc where Rubin goes into his own personal two-minute drill. Plot elements get tied together quickly and not always in the most logical fashion. Since today’s strip is nothing but action, this gives us the opportunity to nitpick the details, find the inconsistencies, fill in the plot holes, and generally snark about it all.

After losses to Madison and Jefferson, the Mudlarks found themselves with slim chances to win the Valley. Since Becca Exposition’s little comment, Milford has peeled off wins against Tilden (punctuated by a sideline scuffle between members of Team Rapson and Team Thayer) and, apparently, New Thayer. Yet here we find ourselves in that most familiar of positions: Milford battling it out with traditional rival Valley Tech for second place in the Valley. We never did find out what it was that eliminated them from title contention but since they didn’t lose a game over that span we have to conclude that some other team(s) needed to lose games and didn’t. So once again, Gilbero & co. find themselves having to fight it out for the title of first loser.

That brings us to our manufactured drama, wherein the third-string quarterback gets injured and Gil is faced with the choice of which of his benched QBs – the game manager starter (whose overthrown pass helped lead to the Madison loss) or the gunslinger second-stringer, who’s been benched even longer – he should bring in to secure the victory. Odds are these two will play Mac and Tosh and implore each other to go in in their stead.

Thorpian logic tells me he’ll pull Corina out of the stands to suit up and go in.

Minor Nitpicks Dept: Dunno if the Mudlarks have more than one Leonard but the guy limping off the field in P3 (#40) ain’t the guy Rapson is congratulating in P1 (some # that isn’t 40). Also dunno if the Valley has rules for player numbering that might require Fleming to change his #40 for a number between 1 and 20, as is often the case. If that’s Chance Macy in P2, he’s switched jersey numbers from his traditional #31. He also looks like he’s hauling in a pass, not breaking off a run. Could he be – gasp! – showboating? Gil should bench him for the rest of the season (which amounts to about 15 minutes) so he can teach him a lesson and save him for next season.

October 21, 2020

How Is the Milford Offense Like a Diesel Engine?

Neither of them have spark plugs!

This Milford-Madison game reminds me in a way of this past Saturday night’s supposed college football game of the year of the week. The team with a ground-and-pound offense takes an early lead then falls behind, its defense unable to slow down its opponent’s big-play offense. Tasked with orchestrating a rally, the game manager QB commits errors, throwing picks and getting his passes stuffed back in his face at the line of scrimmage. Despite all this, the coach sticks with his game manager, keeping the QB with more raw talent and game-breaking potential on the bench. Run the color version of today’s strip and the Mudlarks even start to look the part. Forgive me if I start referring to Will Thayer as “The Mailman.”

News flash: amateur football has turned into a track meet and defense no longer wins championships. Does Gil stick to his principles and watch his team slip down the standings in the Valley? Or does he decide he has doled out enough punishment and go with the guy that can make things happen? Pity that Gil dismisses everything Marty says out of hand; even a stopped clock sitting in his parents’ basement is right twice a day.

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