This Week in Milford

October 21, 2020

How Is the Milford Offense Like a Diesel Engine?

Neither of them have spark plugs!

This Milford-Madison game reminds me in a way of this past Saturday night’s supposed college football game of the year of the week. The team with a ground-and-pound offense takes an early lead then falls behind, its defense unable to slow down its opponent’s big-play offense. Tasked with orchestrating a rally, the game manager QB commits errors, throwing picks and getting his passes stuffed back in his face at the line of scrimmage. Despite all this, the coach sticks with his game manager, keeping the QB with more raw talent and game-breaking potential on the bench. Run the color version of today’s strip and the Mudlarks even start to look the part. Forgive me if I start referring to Will Thayer as “The Mailman.”

News flash: amateur football has turned into a track meet and defense no longer wins championships. Does Gil stick to his principles and watch his team slip down the standings in the Valley? Or does he decide he has doled out enough punishment and go with the guy that can make things happen? Pity that Gil dismisses everything Marty says out of hand; even a stopped clock sitting in his parents’ basement is right twice a day.

October 9, 2020

Youre out-a shape, pal.

Filed under: football, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, lessons learned — robmize2013 @ 8:15 pm

Yeah really. 3 freakin miles and this 18 year old dude is sweatin like a pig. Sheesh. I dont even run that much (I try to run a 5K every year but dont always get around to it) but I can knock out 3 miles in under a half hour and Im 54. I ran a bit in college, my dormmates took me running with them and I kept up for a while, then they stepped on it and pulled away at the end. I then started jogging at the high school track back home and did a mile or 2 a couple times a week. I gave it up after a couple years when I realized i wasnt running long enough to constitute a fair workout. plus I didnt want my knees to ache when I was 50.

Then in 2010 I met some friends who run a 5K on some holidays like Easter and New Years, and started up again entering a number of 5K races and improving my times so I could say I was decent. And thats my running career in a nutshell. So any high school footballer should easily handle Gils assignment. I sure wasnt looking like that when I was done. One race it was 16 degrees.

Anyhoo we’ll see where this goes since we already know Gils double negative comes off like a haughty a-hole . No wonder his teams suck- they suck wind doing 3 miles.

September 21, 2020

Bonfire?

These are the two quarterbacks, right? I don’t remember what they look like. Let’s say they’re Rapson and Thayer, but I’m not gonna swear I know which is which. The point is that one of them has now caught a glimpse of Corina and he’s interested. The other one wonders if he might get a leg up on the QB competition if his rival is smitten by the Milford “it girl”.

It’s all about Corina, friends. We’d better just get used to it. She’s sassy and brassy, she’s a catcher, she’s a prospective volleyball player, everybody’s talking about her and she’s just getting warmed up at Milford High School.

So could we tear our attention away from Corina for one panel so we can show this flippin’ bonfire? We can cut back to Corina afterwards as she stares into the flames, consumed with impulses to make the world BURN!

ETA: I just read of the sudden passing of Bill Bickel, aka CIDU Bill, who wrote the Comics I Don’t Understand blog. (It’s been over there among the Comics Mockage Posse links since the early days of TWIM.) I was not a regular reader, but I dipped in from time to time and enjoyed Bill’s unique angle on comics blogging. RIP CIDU Bill.

August 28, 2020

Is that how you carry a golf bag?

Filed under: ?, baseball, Just plain sad, Milford Alumni, Milford Idiots, Where is Milford? — robmize2013 @ 5:36 pm

Now we get a rehashing of the events of 3 weeks ago (at least) from our friend Corinna about the ballgame/picnic yadda yadda yadda. We really need to hear that again today only because True didnt know about it, but thats a dumb ass reason to move to a city! For free food. Yep. Otherwise the town blows, but that free food once in a lifetime sure sold me. Sheesh.

True’s outfit is interesting- a black t-shirt under a Wake Forest shirt with the sleeves cut off. Why not just wear one or the other? Its still August for chrissakes. Thats the best he can do for that big pro contract huh? And the Rays hat showing off his pro team.

What the hell are they doing with golf bags sitting around talking? If thats only an equipment bag, how much shit do you need to play catch? So many odd things in 1 strip.

Then the best part- Panel 3- True says his college (on that shirt) HAD to fly him in? To Milford? For what? To work out?? With who? Some chick going to remedial school? Or an official baseball catcher assigned to him by WF? And most of all, WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH WHAT CORINNA SAID IN P2??

So many dots to connect here and I’m just dying to know what Rays official looked at the plane schedule out in Tampa and came up with Milford as True’s destination. Chicago? Nope. Nashville? Nada. Hey how about even Atlanta? Oh no. No way do they have anyone hanging around with a catchers mitt that looks like a hat. Milford it is.

Finally – is True pointing at his shirt when he refers to WF? Again? Didnt he point at his hat talking about Tampa?

2 morons. 1 non-existent storyline. Tune in tomorrow when his official catcher shows up on the 19th hole.

August 19, 2020

Plan 9 from Town Park Lake

gt08192020

Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story of what happened on that fateful day. 

Today we find Corina, Alexa and Phoebe have pushed up their pedal pushers, waded into Town Park Lake, and stumbled into the shooting of a remake of Plan 9 from Outer Space. A perfect backdrop for the backstory of how Corina became so incorrigible. Alexa continues interviewing her replacement as Pheeb’s BFF her hard line of questioning, and quickly finds a crack in Corina’s armor. None of the authority figures in Corina’s younger life listened to her when she tried to tell them something was wrong with mommy, so now Corina won’t listen to any of the authority figures in her current life.

Okay, now that that’s settled, let’s move this plot forward. How deep into a pitcher of Long Island iced tea do you think Gil and True are at the MCC’s 19th hole?

At least Corina didn’t call Alexa Phoebe’s sidekick.

July 11, 2020

Do you feel like I do??

Filed under: general nonsense, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, lessons learned — robmize2013 @ 4:47 pm

Yes I’m posting almost a day late, but my main problem was I couldnt copy or find the strip anywhere for some reason. Now it works, so I’ll do a quick post.

So in the end as always, all is forgiven. Gil tells the dopes at State about the farce that was the head to head matchup of the century, which turned into a picnic. And THAT was what sealed the deal for the Mayor to get into this joint they call a college?? Sheesh.

Time for a song:\

June 4, 2020

Daddy Played First, Mama Played Second, Needed A Third Baseman To Join Right In There.

Filed under: big arms, Just plain sad, Pointy Fingers, Valley Modified — tdrewhardin @ 12:44 pm

060420bI would like to remember George Floyd and Breonna Taylor. For whatever charges were levied against them, they did have a right to expect the police to take the high road. Any public official who stoops to the level of its constituents deserves to be terminated. As Father Brown said once in the Father Brown Mysteries, equal law or equal lawlessness.

To the looters out there, shame on you. You are using controversy to promote your own ends in the name of Breonna and George. Now I can’t shop at the Walgreen’s down the street. YOU can’t either. Perhaps something you should think about when you take matters in your own hands.

 

Daddy played first

Mama played second

Needed a third baseman to join right in there

 

I remember when I was a ‘Lark

When I played good and things weren’t stark

That there’s a silver linin’ behind this plot

Just a Nutrament-chuggin’ teen

Tryin’ to grow strong with soy protein

Now I’m assemblin’ ragtag team at the weedy sandlot

 

Daddy played first

Mama played second

Needed a third baseman to join right in there

One of these days and it won’t be long

I’ll stick Dr. Pearl for all these wrongs

I’m gonna join that Mudlark team at The Throne

 

And the infield

Won’t be broken

By and by, Gil, by and by

Daddy played first

Mama played second

We got a third baseman

To join right in there

In the sky, Lord, in the sky

 

Hey, I have an idea. Let’s start our own team. Based on Ardis’ exploding eyeball, he seems to buy into the concept.

And why shouldn’t he? All you have to do is go to Milford Sporting Goods and order, say, 40 uniforms, 40 gloves (make sure some can fit those Valley Rejects that are left-handed) , 2 catcher’s mitts (in case Gil forgot to bring his and you need to loan one to your former teammates) , 15 bats at $100 a bat (I’m sure Valley Rejects have parents that can write a check and never miss it) , bag to PUT the bats in, 40 batting helmets, equipment bags, storage shed FOR the equipment bags (you just gonna leave them in The Mayor’s garage?) , 40 pairs of cleats and 40 pairs of non-steel cleats (in case some overly picky groundskeeper disallows steel cleats on his carpet) , 40 cups so that no Valley Reject loses his family jewels off of a Mudlark batter’s vicious line drive, and some mouth guards. Oh, that might be extra. You can always get those at Milford Apothecary since they are at a discount because they’re sold in bulk.

And then you got to find a field, A GOOD ONE, not those we used to play at that had 2 × 4’s with nails sticking out of them strewn all over the ground, get umpires lined up, get one of the Valley Rejects to hand them a pen to sign the contract, get a grounds crew to line the field, I’m sure Luhm will work cheap if he can slide it by the Teamsters Union.

The only thing left is the insurance. Surely one of the Valley Rejects has a dad who’s an agent. Or we can get Chet Ballard to work pro bono to make up for his horse’s ass performance many months ago.

Looks like we have all our ducks in a row. Piece of cake.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket Gets Looted To Protest Coach Thorp Not Getting Read His Rights On DUI Charges!!!!!!!!!!!! Millions Expected In Damages, According To Insurance Claims Agent Chet Ballard!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Owner: They left the banana split mixer alone, thank God. Did you ever try to handle the Sunday evening crowd when they leave the church services?”

 

And that is either a sweet potato that’s been greased in Crisco growing out of The Mayor’s hand, straight from an Idaho tuber farm or he is giving the thumbs up to this precarious venture. Personally, I would get on with my life and learn from the injustice flung at him (speaking from experience) but if he’s going to be beating the bushes of Valley Second Hand Shoppe, he really needs to get BASEBALL players. I thought Ardis Carhee played basketball. Not that he can’t play baseball but let’s not throw assumptions around the hallway like table knives. Just because Dr. Pearl looks like Granny Clampett doesn’t mean she suffers from rotted-out teeth nor eats possum gizzards simmered in chicken broth. No jumping to conclusions that she eats her Wheaties and chitlins straight out of the cereal bowl with no spoon. Not that it would surprise me but let’s give it the old college try before answering in the affirmative.

 

Heard at The Bucket last week

“This Bucket Crab Gizzard and Jowl Bacon Plate could use a little more salt.”

 

If ya go recruitin’ round the fact’ry fer some guys ta be on yore fishin’ team after the Game Warden disqualified yore teammates at the Mudlark Lake Fishing Tournament Shoot-out cuz they used thar rod ‘n’ reel ta git more beer outta somebody’s cooler, ya might be a redneck.

 

Now I remember after the game

Gil would cuss us out by name

And you could hear all of bitchin’ for a country mile

Phoebe and Alexa have done gone on

Muench’s car is repo’d and pawned

But I’m getting together a new team by the break of dawn

 

Daddy played first

Mama played second

Needed a third baseman to jump right in there

 

One of these games and it won’t be long

We’ll lace our cleats and be 9-man strong

I’m gonna join the Rejects at Home Plate in the Skyyyyyyyy

 

And team unity

Won’t be broken

By and by, Gil, by and by

Daddy played first

Mama played second

We got a third baseman to join us there in the sky, Lord, in the sky

 

And this recruiting campaign is getting off to a roaring start. Some guy whose waistline indicates he has not missed lunch when the Valley Alternative cafeteria unlocks its doors and displaying the railroad spikes he hocked off the Milford & Oakwood rail and hammered in his hair and Mr. Ponytail (assume for argument’s sake it isn’t Mrs. Ponytail) . Now several players have played Major League Baseball and have worn long hair. Randy Johnson and Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams come to mind.

But why do I have a strong suspicion that The Mayor is simply grabbing at bodies at Valley Consignment just to pontificate to his ex-teammates that he can field a team. I remember a friend of mine who was a part of the Vietnam era who pointed out that if you could crawl, you were drafted. That about seems the case here. That’ll help when you slide into second where Mama is ready to apply the tag.

Really, Mayor, don’t just get guys on your team just because they have two arms, two legs, and sport a significant other between their legs. That’s not fair to amputees or bisexuals. I’d be put out if I was a quadriplegic and I was not recruited to play catcher. Whoops, I’m sorry, Railroad Iron Head already has that position. Anybody who eats Twinkies for appetizers ought to be able to block the plate, no question.

And as long as you’re talking to Ginger Baker in P2, would you tell him that Jack Bruce called again? Says that Clapton wants to do a remake on “White Room”.

 

Ooooooooookkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn to the rescue once again to bring sanity to insanity. Take ‘er away, Gene.

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought The Mayor was recruiting her to ____________________.”

 

Is that inside the lampshade or is the lampshade turned inside out to get rid of all the lint?

Well, we have more on our plate than to prove that inverted lampshades in Schuring’s living room with sides that are congruent to the corresponding sides of the inverted lampshades in the den are congruent to each other. The Mayor is talking smack and the only thing missing from this Public Service Announcement/”Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” background music is the expected poster that’ll get nailed on every utility pole in Milford

 

This Saturday at the Milford Gardens

The Mayor of Second Chances

vs

Tom “The Gil-Slayer” Muench

Mudlark Cage Match

w/Texas Tornado Rules

One fall, no time limit, no DQ

Loser leaves Milford High School

7:30PM Bell Time

Tickets available at all Milford Apothecary outlets and Ticketmaster locations

Don’t miss it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

The Mayor might not need Railroad Iron Head for a tag partner even though the latter has a Dusty Rhoads “The American Dream” beer gut and might prove useful in the “Iowa Death Match” next month. We’ll see what happens.

 

And what in the name of railroad irons is that thing in that bunch of Chiquita bananas that Chris designates as his right hand? I ruled out abacus because I assume he has a calculator on the coffee table upon which lies the M.C. Escher lamp. It’s too small to be that mechanism that makes all those farm animal noises when you pull the string and I’m confident that if Chris is up to the challenge vis-a-vis The Mayor’s trash talk, that he is too old to be listening to “The cow goes MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”. It COULD be some kind of CD player albeit I really can’t imagine “Rewind” being across the panel and at a slight acute angle with “Pause”. Folks, I think we have a dead ringer for Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. Wait, it’s part of the Close ‘n’ Play apparatus he bought at Milford Toys ‘R’ Us. I’m not giving up on this one.

 

“And we’ll be back with the starting line-ups between the Milford Mudlarks and the Valley Alternative Recyclables after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG Radio, a division of Learfield Sports.”

 

“Golly, gee, that ought to be an exciting game between my boys and those troublemakers in “Ernest Goes to Camp”, I mean, Valley Alternative. That’s about the only good news around here.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp and when Milford Beverage Warehouse got looted because some cowards thought that the judge laid the hammer on yours truly with 100 hours of community service after being convicted of failing the sobriety test, it really turned my stomach. Raking the leaves at the Milford Elementary School front lawn isn’t such a stiff sentence. Shoot, I have plenty of fishing nets in my garage to get all the dead bugs out of Milford Public Swimming Pool before they dump a gallon of chlorine an hour before they open. The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary. And The Warehouse has been forced to close their doors because some morons didn’t register to vote.

But if you think The Warehouse is going to take their boarded-up doors and like it, guess again. They will re-open on July 1st with some door-busters and I don’t mean the ones that are against the law. How about some Heineken? Shoot, I’d go to jail for this deal, $14.49 in the 12oz. 12-Pack but I ain’t going to leave another party with Evan Williams Bourbon on my breath and risk getting pulled over again from that speed trap in the Milford Lounge parking lot.  You’ll just have to take my word for it.

And how about some Maker’s Mark Whiskey? By some miracle, that and the Oreos didn’t get damaged. The Warehouse wants to express their praises to God with an eye-opening $22.99 in the 750ml bottle. And if they run out of Oreos, if the Chips Ahoy! isn’t too badly damaged, I can always dip that in my whiskey glass.

And if you buy a 30-Pack of Busch Light at the ridiculous $19.99, The Warehouse will give you a voucher for a discount at Renewal by Andersen to replace your broken window. I don’t know why morons would loot a guy’s living room and raid the Popular Mechanics magazine rack but buy the booze first and ask questions later. Isn’t it nice that you can once again look out your window and sip The Good Life all in the same day. Watching the birdies in the birdbath in our backyard with a Busch just brings a tear a tear to my eye.

Get your affairs in order and prepare for the Grand Reopening of Milford Beverage Warehouse. And the 1st 50 people waiting in line will get a free canister of Pringle’s Regular or Sour Cream. The thugs didn’t touch those either although they had a Hell of a time ransacking the Milford Vending Soft Pretzels bags. The Warehouse will take a loss selling the rest.

Come in and get a new lease on life and a new window and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Gang, you’re still the one. I don’t have to recruit you to make a successful blog. You make it successful all by yourself. God bless you.

 

At the Milford Outdoor Amphitheater Free Summer Concert Series shindig one breezy night

“…Gil sang bass

Mimi sang tenor

Keri and Jaime would join right in there…”

 

At a scrimmage at Milford Sports Complex

“So they’ll let me keep my seeing-eye dog as long as he’s in the dugout?”

“I still need to talk to the crew chief but I don’t think the umpires will say anything.”

June 2, 2020

“We’ll Meet You This Friday, 7:30PM, Here At Howard Johnson’s Inn.”

060420

Instead of tying loose ends, which is what Thorpiverse SHOULD be doing, we’re extracting a couple more storylines out of the grab bag, at the expense of some plots or mimi-plots that never really flew out of Milford Regional Airport. What are we going to talk about, what activities could we be humanly engaging in, now that summer is here?

The love story that never was and will likely stay that way between Phoebe and The Mayor was NOT because he drank too much Nutrament Vanilla Shakes at the tavern; nope, Thorpiverse sent Miss Grundy to rummage through his gym bag after Mr. Grundy cried foul and a kitchen utensil you use to spread Skippy on Roman Meal killed “A Little Romance.” We’ll never see him and Phoebe kiss under the Milford Canal Bridge just as the 3rd shift whistle goes off at Milford Foundry. Way to be a wet blanket, Mr. Grundy.

And what happened to Gonzo? Heck, that would have made a great Jets vs. Sharks confrontation. Us Hispanics always have to bail you out in the ninth when your pitcher gets a rubber arm. Oh, yeah? Well, if you’d quit batting with a Swiffer Mop when you’re swinging for the fences, you might up your average. Then there’s the song, sung by The Mayor naturally

Mimi

I just met a girl named Mimi

And now I know that name

Will never be the same

Again

 

And The Mayor could get whacked by the Sharks with a Hillerich & Bradsby Special and Mimi threaten both the Jets AND the Sharks after The Mayor loses his mind and the team goes on to win the Playdowns in remembrance of The Mayor who gave his Ultra Slim Fast for the team. Of course, he already DID lose his mind after slurping Ultra Slim Fast at his Communion, but we can sort it out while Gil’s at the links. Just alternate between the Mudlarks singing “We’re Gonna Get ’em Tonight” and Gil saving par. Just about wraps up the summer, doncha think?

But nooooooooo, we gotta endure a couple of wayward ideas that will probably REMAIN wayward. So as long as we’re going to drag athletes into this, I might as well throw in a couple of my own.

Richard Pryor had a hilarious take on Jim Brown, the standout running back for the Cleveland Browns in the ’60’s and respectable actor after his playing days were over. Pryor would say that Brown could be mean as snakes, which was understandable, given Brown’s competitiveness and focus. His statistics backed him up.

And Pryor continued “Man, it used to be a death wish. There ain’t no building around here in Milford to jump off of. and Gil went golfing. Let’s go over to Jim Brown’s house and fuck with him a while.”

So if Valley Alternative, as long as we’re recruiting, ever fields a football team, they can go over to Jim Brown’s house and ask politely. I’m sure he’ll oblige if they say “Please”.

Gil rings Jim Brown’s doorbell one day

Jim Brown opens the door

“Yeah, Jimmie, Big Man, hey, I don’t mean to intrude, I’m sure you’re studying game film in the den (get a hold of yourself, Thorp) , well, what I mean to say is, ol’ Buddy, ol’ Pal, you see, Dr. Pearl got caught behind on her District Board State Income Tax W-2 Report-1978 and can’t make it to the Midnight Bowling League Match tonight and seeing, well, you have such strong hands and hate to roll gutter balls as if you were getting stuffed on the 1-yard line, and we know you like the ball a lot, so we wanted to know if you’d be interested in filling out our 4-member team. We call ourselves Thorp’s Troops. Catchy, isn’t it? Whattya say?” as Gil braces for the worst.

“Sure. What time do you need me there?”

“11:35PM. We need to get the roster turned in and ready to go before First Roll at 12:01AM”

“I’ll be there.”

Gil breathes a sigh of relief

“Thanks, Jimmie. I always thought you were a terror when you were with the Steelers.”

 

 

I was intrigued when I saw on a documentary on Abraham Lincoln and the fact that he and Mary Todd Lincoln slept in separate beds. How’d they get Robert Todd, Edward, Willie, or Tad? Oh well

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. And Alexa Caught In Serious Dispute Over Future Wedding Plans!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“There ain’t no way I’m taking a double room, I don’t care how much of a discount I get at Milford Motel 6.”

 

And as long as we’re going to endow Valley Alternative with a smorgasbord, shoot, I have a whole list of athletes that would fit right in to the school.

How about Dennis Rodman? He got shipped to VA (not the Milford VA Hospital, bear in mind) because he wore his purple (orange/green/magenta////…) hair one too many times in Andy Rooney’s class. Rooney and Dr. Paper Pusher found Krylon in his desk and considered it a weapon. You could take somebody’s eye out with that thing if you’re not pointing the spray tip towards the wall or your hair.

Then there’s Magic Johnson. He wound up with his indiscriminate sex life catching up with him (Arther Ashe, BTW, chided Johnson because he felt that Johnson gave blacks a bad name because Johnson didn’t keep it in his pocket) . Perfect candidate for VA. Yeah, those adventures with Mimi while Gil was out of town non-coaching his team in a Holiday Tournament landed him right in Dr. Paper Pusher’s dog house and it was all over but the paperwork. Starting point guard for VA this coming winter, fer sure.

And the following scene, courtesy of Mr. Pryor

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oakwood, that’s going to cost you 10 yards cuz I already lost one eye and I ain’t playin’.”

In the Valley Alternaive huddle

“Roh, give me the ball.”

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Next time, I’ll be rippin’ out the other cheek from your butt.”

In the Valley Huddle on 1st and goal

“Roh, give me the ball.”

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! SQUEEEGIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

“I ripped Gil’s hair out that time, Oakwood, I don’t care how much VO5 he put on it. I’ll eat my own if I have to.”

In the huddle for the PAT

“Roh, give me the ball.”

But that’s football and we’ll let Nasty Brown and Charlie Roh work out their differences on running back duties, not to mention let you fill in the blank on the final score. Good thing Chet Ballard didn’t fuck with Jim Brown and check his background. That WOULD be like jumping off the Milford School Corporation Annex building.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Marty Moon To Appear In Milford Small Claims Court Over Dispute With Mudlark Lakes Resort!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“If I’d known that waiving the fee meant that Peaches and I had to sleep in separate bunks, I would have packed my chastity belt in my suitcase.”

 

And we can’t leave this puzzle wrapped in an enigma at The Bucket and just relive old times and wish no hard feelings and get the Hell on to Gil’s golf game, already in progress. Nope, we gotta drag this plot that won’t die into another plot that just started and won’t die but might take until the end of July for it not to die. We have to line up the court time so that it doesn’t conflict with Milford Flea Market Open Market held every 3rd Saturday in the month after the 2nd Tuesday, make sure Luhm waxed and buffered the damn court before the Clash of the Titans with the ex-Titans, sign the contracts with the officials and, by God, they better honor their contract. Games with haves and have-nots still count in the record book. I tell you one thing, Gil would make the zebras live up to their end of the bargain if he weren’t trying to dig one out of the sand trap.

“YEAH!!!!!!!!!! We got Havlicek on our side. And Henry “Hank” Finkel in the middle!!!!!!!!!! He had Carhee running wind sprints in practice at the pace of a cheetah, he was so intimidated.

If ya kiss and make up and exchange deer tags and still bet ya can drink more Stroh’s at the Milford Stop ‘n’ Sludge Bar in a friendly competition and the winner gets a free hose job in his abdomen, courtesy Milford General, ya might be a redneck.

“…and that’s the 10th batter plunked by the New Thayer pitching staff. I’ve seen Coach Thorp do a lot of non-coaching but this is ridiculous. Won’t anybody take charge????”

A few minutes later on the mound with New Thayer at bat

“Gonzo, give me the ball.”

Oops, sorry, I forgot Jim Brown is with Valley Alternative. Oh well, just pretend. Who’s gonna notice? Certainly not Gil.

And we’re rounding out the lineup in P3. Bill Laimbeer has been sent to the school because of his bad boy image and should be cleared for the starting lineup this Friday. Hank Finkel was sent to VA for being the 12th man on his high school reserve team and still making an NBA roster. Should be cleared to sit on the bench this Friday. He and Gil have a lot in common. Well, Gil doesn’t have a mustache and isn’t 7 feet tall. Finally, Johnny “Red” Kerr was sent to the school because he wore the nastiest looking gym shorts at an NBA Old-Timers All-Star Game and had the nerve to have a broadcasting career for the Bulls (gotcha, again, Robmize!!!!! Hey, it wasn’t the Cubs this time (ha ha)) . The game should go without a hitch.

 

At Milford High School Gym one Saturday morning

“Give me the ball.”

“This is a wrestling invitational, Mr. Brown.”

“Sorry. My bad.”

 

“And we’ll be back to see if Red Kerr is able to play after his jock strap came up missing and he’s forced to rummage through the lost and found hamper in the locker for a spare after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

At the Thorp household one evening

“Mommy, why is Daddy shaking the bed in the billiard room?”

“What????? How long has this been happening?”

“We were watching Archie TV Funnies when we thought it was an earthquake. Me and Jaime covered our heads like you always told us. When the sky wasn’t falling, we didn’t know what to do.”

Mimi walks toward billiard room where Gil is playing “Vehicle” by the Ides of March and using the spare mattress on the springs to pretend to have the time of his life.

“Mommy, is Daddy dirty dancing?”

“No, dear, don’t be silly. Gil, what are you doing?”

“Oh, hey, now I know what Honest Abe went through when he slept in separate beds. It must have been too much for The Railsplitter to deny what a man’s got to do to Mary Todd. He couldn’t count sheep or think about how he would do when he ran against Stephen Douglas. He had to jumo on the other bed and go to town. I heard the whole town of Springfield used to hear Mary Todd’s screams of ecstasy.  I understand that’s how he got Tad and Willie. I’m just recreating the event.”

“Mommy, did Abe Lincoln really get Tad from humping a feather bed?”

“No, Honey, of course not. Your daddy needs to learn that he doesn’t need to read history books to have some fun.”

“And Mimi, there was the time that he went to bed with that hooker. It was in the SAME BED!!!!!!!!! Some historians say it was a myth but so was George Washington chopping down the cherry tree. But George didn’t get any kids from not telling a lie. At least Lincoln had a head start with a myth when he married Mary Todd.”

“Gil, YOU can get a head start and you don’t have to go to Johnny Appleseed for this kind of stimulation. I have FedExed several cases of EREC-3500 laxatives so you can get movement in both directions. You can make your own history and we can sleep in the same bed.”

“I won’t have to use a Pinkerton to guard the house while I’m pretending to have fun with Mary Todd?”

“Mommy, do Pinkertons get erect too?”

“When my children were slightly confused about the birds and the bees, it was time to face my problem straight in the eye. With treatment programs that work, the Milford Men’s Clinic promises you will share the same bed at the Milford Marriott or they will cheerfully refund your money. And you can keep David Herbert Donald’s book on the dresser while you’re goin’ to town. Sounds like Era of Good Feeling to me. Come get down, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.

 

Thank you for your support, Gang. Still think they ought to start Red Kerr. He can’t help it if all jock straps smell like halitosis and VO5. Anyway, God bless you, Gang.

 

“Give me the ball, Coach.”

“Still gotta get it out of the water. Kaz, hand me my 9-iron.”

 

Recreating Richard Pryor, one night at Milford Lounge

“Gentlemen, I believe the coach can better express himself if you let him go.”

Gil being restrained by 12 men

“Any of you buttholes release me and I’ll cream yo’ ass later. Now just ease my ass out the door and leave Mr. Brown in peace. We might need him for the football plot.”

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