This Week in Milford

August 8, 2019

“You’re A School Board Member Now. Take Your Finger Out Of Your Mouth.”

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, Hadley V. Baxendale, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 10:05 am

080819

Mr. Ballard is chasing Hadley Victrola all over Milford Towers because she’s getting more tips than Mr. Ballard. They jump out of the window, up on the ledge just out of the 82nd floor. Balancing their lives with their coin changer, Mr. Ballard has ol’ RCA Victrola trapped.

Suddenly, she remembers the Bugs Bunny cartoon she watched when she was a kid and Dad was away at a Rogaine Is Not Just For Men Under Seventy convention. She remembers Bugs being trapped on a similar ledge, this one on the ledge of the 73rd floor of the Milford General Finance Building. The ape was getting closer and closer, jealous that Bugs was getting all the coins thrown in his cup.

“Heeeyyyyyyyy, Mr. Ballard!!!!!!!! I got a trick. Watch this.”

She puts her finger in her mouth and begins to float off the ledge. She alights the ledge once again.

“You try it.”

Mr. Ballard is a little dodgy with the coin changer around his waistline and the beard most assuredly doesn’t help in trying to float. Try sticking your finger in your mouth while maneuvering through 1,295 Brillo pads around your chin and cheeks and you get the idea.

But he manages.

“WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! There you go, Mr. Ballard. You can see all of Milford, can’t you? Yeah, there’s the water tower over there, right behind the Spanish Inquisition. They’re terrorizing the conductor and the brakeman on the Milford & Oakwood!!!!!!!! Oh, you can see Milford High School? Where? Oh, by that Roadway turning left onto Main Street!!!!!!!!! I didn’t know Milford High School cafeteria had an account with them. The Roadway guy has Ho Ho’s on his dolly? And Wonder Bread Hot Dog Buns?  No, I  can’t say I see Gil’s hair. I didn’t know you could his Brylcreem for an airport beacon. Oh, he’s the one standing next to Bubba Joe Tilwell. Yeah, I understand he’ll be working with the defensive line. put some hair on their chests at those 7-on-7’s. Mr. Ballard, shame on you, you’re a big boy now, take your finger out of your mouth!!!!!!!!!!!!”

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-SPLATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

 

To the lovely driver, Kentucky license plate # 852 XHV, who was driving in New Albany, Indiana 50 feet the wrong way and endangering the lives of those coming TOWARDS him because the driver was too lazy to drive around the block because 2 minutes of the driver’s time was evidently too much, hazarding a guess that he had to pick up his son at the 7-on-7 scrimmage and get to the Milford Barber Shoppe before it closed

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Traffic Stopped For Hours After Man Falls From The 73rd Floor Of Milford General Finance And Crashes On Top Of A Buick Skylark Backing Out Of Loading Dock The Wrong Way!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Witnesses confirm it was Mr. Ballard, the insurance agent. He could not re-insert valve stem in mouth in time to prevent landing on the cantaloupe grinds in the trunk.”

 

“Upon further review, the School Board has announced a reversal of the call and that Tiki Jansen will enroll at Milford High School in the Fall, pending mandatory flu shots and rabies injections at Milford Apothecary.”

Yup, the video said it all. They had to use pliers to finally pry Mr. Ballards index finger away from his bicuspid but it appears justice will be served or is headed in that direction. Miss Hathaway and Marcia Brady will only rubber-stamp that notion.

There are other issues to address now that Tiki will not have to live in Mammoth Cave (we’re assuming) while taking 18th-Century French Prose at Milford High (be true to your school, Tiki, attaway) .

For example, Miss Hathaway will be required to use Pond’s Rejuveness Anti-aging Anti-wrinkle Anti-Tiki Cold Cream in the 7 oz. jar to remove the Folger’s stain on her right cheek. The cold cream also does wonders in fixing the acute angles on her cheekbones so that Miss Hathaway doesn’t go to dinner at the Clampett’s later that evening looking like one of The Three Musicians. Picasso in a doctor’s office is nice decor; looking at Picasso swallowing chicken gizzards and downing it with moonshine at the Clampett’s dinner table is a horse of a different color. And cover your mouth, Miss Hathaway. Eating mashed taters with your jaw chewing in obsidian proportions is a little nauseating. I know I’d pass on a second helping of Leg of Lamb And Bucket o’ Shrimp Flambe.

And Marcia Brady will have to punch back in at Milford Audi. The owner wasn’t crazy about giving Marcia the time off during Inventory Clearance Event. So what if some punk kid was mired in the middle of bureaucratic pettiness? According to the owner, if the President of Milford Swimming Pool Supply drives out of the lot with a ’07 with barely 125,000 because the Little Old Lady from Milford only drove it on Saturday to hold the sign that said “New Thayer Sucks!!!!!!!” or “Oakwood Only Has 7 Legitimate Children On The Field!!!!!!!!!!” at Mudlark football games, then Tiki can sleep on a park bench that Gil and Mimi pass by when jogging. Shut the damn VCR off and get your ass back on the sales floor, Marcia.

And it’s a beautiful day. Usually, when it’s storming the streak in the window resembles someone’s drawing pencil gone a tad awry on vellum paper. Not today. New Madrid Fault City. Only thing missing is the earthquake but Tiki already took the steamboat down the Mississippi with Mr. Twain and his entourage to enroll at Milford. The Richter Scale has left the barn, just past Cairo.

 

If ya got yore finger up yore ass cuz ya fergot to buy some toilet tissue at Milford Convenient Mart even tho ya got plenty a’ Polish sausage on a bun, with pickles and relish, not ta mention a hefty helpin’ of Mudlark-style mustard, plus 2 bags a Lays Tater Chips in th’ 3 pound containers, Bar-B-Q and Cream Dill Pickle plus 34 3-Liter bottles a’ Mudlar-K-Cola Lemon Lime that’ll cause ya to burp up videos of Tiki when he was in diapers or takin’ his first baby steps at the Fleming’s household, ya might be a redneck.

 

And how does Mr. Ballard KNOW these yahoos have graduated? Mr. Ballard, take your finger out of your butt. If you can substantiate evidence that the administrative staff at New Thayer High School sent their transcripts to you when the UPS truck pulled up in your driveway to deliver that and Avon perfume bottles and booklets to your wife, then OK, I’ll take my Avon Shampoo and rub the Kiwi Fruit gel all over my hair and like it.

Otherwise, you have some explaining to do. How did you KNOW they graduated? Did you attend their Commencement? Watch them throw their graduation caps in the air? Listen to one of them give the Valedictorian Address?

“Fellow New Thayerians, if you want to prepare for the Game of Life, don’t be like my friends who turned out to be the Pharaohs in ‘American Graffiti’ and played the Jimmy Dean Fast-Track pinball machine all day at Milford Arcade. They may have racked up the points for several hours but the quarter they inserted in the slot could only beep off the bumpers for so long. Eventually, Game Over.”

The next day

“Oh, Tiki, Bugs Meany gave a very moving address. Said he regretted beating the shit out of Encyclopedia and will make restitution by joining the Peace Corps.”

And as long as we’re performing this Kitchen Cabinet meeting in the Office of the Mayor with the Official Seal of the City of Milford behind Mr. Ballard  displayed yesterday, I  might as well compliment the janitor who managed to mount “Still Life at Mudlark Lake” on the wall behind Hadley Venom. Raphael must have taken hours with the watercolors to paint all the wildlife and whatnot in 16th-century Milford.

P2-“Sorry, Mr. Ballard, I applied too much Vidal Sassoon this morning on my white streak. The flies are attracted to the foam. My dad uses some on his head and face to keep his eyebrows from falling off. Now about that Writ of Mandamus.”

 

At the Milford Marriott one day

KLLLLLLUUUNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKK

“OMIGODDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Someone fell from the 15th floor and crushed my hamstrings!!!!!!!!!!!! Call The Shark!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Hi, I’m Joe Sharkey at Sharkey Law Office. When you’re on the go and someone chases poor defenseless Bugs Bunny on a high rise because he was jealous of Bugs’ carrot intake and subsequently smashes your windshield, you need legal help to cover the cost of the resulting damages. Let’s face it, there’s no way you can return to work and tape gun packages and send them down the line to load on the truck when you’re missing your ankles. You need compensation and you need it fast.”

“I understand he ran an insurance agency in the ground because of poor decisions such as this one. He needed to keep his finger in his mouth but when Bugs Bunny asked Mr. Ballard about a Homeowners Policy, Mr. Ballard forgot to step back inside the room. Talking about Crab Grass Coverage got the better of him. But The Shark made him pay. Thanks, Shark, I got a generous settlement and Mr. Ballard is banned from the second floor and up at Marriotts all over the country. He can’t even use the elevator.”

“You heard the man. Even insurance agents need to know where to float and when they don’t, the consequences are brutal. But find out for yourself. Use a Q-Tip instead of your ring finger and call 1-FON-THe-JAWS today to see if The Shark can help you get out of Tape Gun Hell and on to the road to financial compensation. One call, that’s all.”

 

Special edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Ballard Lands On O.J.’s VW Jetta After Falling From Mayor’s Office!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Next time, I’ll take the freeway. The dude ruined the chassis on the vehicle.”

 

And P3 is interesting

“My dad is here to make sure they’ll be no more more body snatchers coming out of New Thayer. You know how they breed in that town.”

Hadley Venus, I’ll be looking out for any plant pods with abnormal growths, particularly ones the size of a Lyft automobile. I’ll be bringing my scanner when I’m talking a walk around the football practice field. Can never be too careful.

 

“We’ll be back in a moment when Judge Wapner comes out of his chamber and renders a decision on Tiki Jansen vs. Topeka. I’m Doug Llewellyn for The People’s Court here in WDIG-TV.”

 

“Whew, all this finger-pointing back and forth and a few stuck in their tonsils makes me kinda thirsty, doesn’t it you? If you could use a cold one, head on down to Milford Beverage Warehouse when you’re through picking your teeth.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp. When you need to leave your attitude at the door and your fingers in your pocket and not in your dentures, The Warehouse will help you along with these bargain burners. How ’bout Cook’s Champagne at an unbelievable $5.99. Perfect when you’ve shaken hands and called a truce and said Tommy can attend Milford but will need a cane to walk the hallways so he doesn’t run into Ms. Rizk’s typewriter. Hey, this Bud’s for you,. Tommy, even if you are deaf, dumb, and blind.

How ’bout Jim Beam Black, straight from the barrels, at a ridiculous $18.99, chaser included? Let’s face it, when you take your finger out of your ass and fall several stories like that gorilla in a Bugs Bunny cartoon, you need to be feelin’ no pain. Just give me the shot glass and La La Land, here I come.

And because we have gotten an OVERWHELMING response, The Warehouse has an exciting promo on tap. That’s right, if you can stand taller than Wink Martindale’s hair, the cardboard cut-out standing by the Wrigley’s Spearmint Gum rack at Register #2, you will get a free brewskie of Natural Light Ice plus you can enter in the drawing for a chance to win a paid vacation for 2 to Milford Valley Vineyards B & B. Wow, I wish Mimi and I could go on our honeymoon again and take a tour of the farm, plus indulge in the activities in store for 3 days, including a wine-tasting orgy at dinner and riding the Wild Mouse through the Red Grape section of the farm.

And if you don’t quite measure up, not to worry. If you can stand taller than the Willy Wonka midget cut-out posing next to Wink, you will get a free shot of Heaven Hill Vodka and a bag of Grippo’s Bar-B-Q Chips plus you can enter in the drawing for a chance to win a tour of Milford Brewery. That also sounds exciting. I can take the kids to that one. I’d love for Keri and Jaime to learn how Seagram’s 7 Crown Whiskey is made, from the barley weed straight to the bottle. And them drink it legally? I’m just as good as the ticket in the hat.

Now I’ve heard a few pricks complain about the unfairness of the contest. It’s not their fault they couldn’t surpass Wink’s scalp, dandruff included. All I can say is that’s why you needed to eat your vegetables growing up when you were slurping your Bud. It wasn’t going to kill you to scrape up the last bit of fried okra when you were washing it down with a Miller Genuine Draft. Look what it did to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. The man’s a Hall-of-Famer. ’nuff said.

“Head on down for all the fun and get some great deals while you’re at it. Standing next to Wink with your 18-Pack of Coors in a selfie? Sounds like a winner to me. Get your slice of The Good Life and Wink’s persona and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, it’s your turn. Excuswe me, I gotta go. I have to go to Judge Judy and see whether I have to pay the damages on Gil’s hair. I swear, I thought it was a wasp’s nest. i wouldn’t have used so much Raid.

“…my decision goes to Tiki Jansen.”

“Well, congratulations, Tiki? What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to use that $4,674,693,034 that The Shark got for me and buy some new cleats. My other ones have holes in them. Milford Athletic Foot Emporium is running a sale this week. Excuse me, gotta cut out before they close.”

“No problem, Tiki. Well, that wraps another edition of The People’s Court. This is Doug Llewellyn reminding you, that if you have you have smelly fingers because you are up in arms about what your neighbor did to your lawn mower, for gosh sakes, don’t take matters in your own hands and use your riding mower to shave off his beard. Take it to court.”

Advertisements

August 6, 2019

Look At That Business Woman, She Even Finally Got The High Five Right.

081619

Imagine her, all of her wealth

And in the arms of somebody else

I imagine her in court

 

With her communication skills

Cabinet full of videos and pills

Paying the bills and beating the WAP!!!!!!

 

You’ll never understand

Manipulative mind of that woman

Powerful debauchery in her eyes

 

Look at that Business Woman

She’s got a nose in your business

Look at that Business Woman

Her hair’s not much whiter than Pearl’s

 

Somebody oughta put a helmet and shoulder pads on the Business Woman. She no doubt knows the playbook better than the players on the Mudlark roster, the way she’s been entrenched in the affairs of the football team. Little wonder why I used The Church’s “Business Woman” (Steve Kilbey, your songwriting is STRONG, My Man) to attend to things.

Oh, when she’s not at the Milford Country Club to see if she should do a mid-career switch from law to the LPGA. Might I make a suggestion? Our high school has won beaucoup State Championships in Boy’s Golf and Girl’s Golf and if she wants to elevate her game, look no further than being with our own to see if she’s got what it takes. Pair her up with a couple of sophomores and if she can drive the ball longer than the youngsters, then sure, let’s pair her up with Nancy Lopez. But if she makes a habit of landing in the sand while the teenagers sink par after her par, well, as the old saying goes, don’t quit your day job. Some people are better at strong-arming School Board members whose businesses were in a lull period so they wrote a letter telling Tiki to get the Hell out of Dodge than they are missing the pin oak tree on the fairway on #9. Probably explains why THAT plot was an aborted flight. Thorpiverse simply never admitted that the Business Woman’s beginner’s luck was no substitute for PRACTICE, something you’ll need if you want to do better than the several-strokes-over-par-round-even-with-a-handicap game you more than likely shot the SECOND TIME AROUND but Thorpiverse didn’t record. Why show the dirty laundry and ruin a promising plot?

Golf game aside, L.A. Law has swooped in and preyed on the squirrels that is the School Board members and left nothing for the vultures to eat. And a recycled plot is saved for another day. It’s nice to know that when Tiki is playing in the 35-and-over Co-ed League at Milford Softball Complex and the Milford Parks & Recreation mails him a letter positing that he’ll have to move back to New Thayer because he has titanium bats in his bag, titanium being something the Milford EPA banned in the city limits, he can always dial long distance to Chicago and call the Business Woman. She’s got a chip and a head on her shoulders, 2 valuable assets when pleading your case before the Rec Board. You might need a video but you can always shoot one of Tiki at Mudlark Lake using one of the bats as a fishing rod to prove their environmental friendliness. The beauty is, it’ll be awhile before we reach nirvana. The Tiki Plot will encounter several rebirths before then, especially if the Business Woman has anything to do with it.

 

If yore lawyer got ya a reprieve until ya can fix the septic tank at yore trailer park after showin’ the Milford Zoning Board a video of yore neighbor’s raw spillage of Totino’s Pepperoni pizza crusts (the pizza of choice fer rednecks, just pop it in the microwave ’til ya charred the damn thang and enjoy while yuz watchin’ the Super Bowl) all over the streets of Milford Trailer Vista, the same neighbor bein’ the pot callin’ the kettle black just cuz yore septic tank is missin’ a coupla bolts and causin’ at worst a minor stink with just a few old horseflies and a few skeeters buzzin’ about, nuthin’ else, ya might be a redneck.

 

Doncha love the Business Woman pointing the finger at Tiki in P1? Hasn’t he had ENOUGH of that? Wasn’t that the point of this plot? Stop allowing the Rockville School Board to shout “J’accuse!” at our hero because they never bothered to see the video of Bugs Meany and his gang threaten Tiki? It was bad enough that we never got to the heart of the matter as to why Mr. Ballard and Granny Clampett and the other School Board members would send him a letter stating that he would have to withdraw from Milford at the earliest hour when the evidence had already confirmed that he was a member in good standing. What was the point of putting him in Double Jeopardy? There was nothing else on the agenda and the School Board had to concoct something exciting just to boost attendance?

“Hey, I know!!!!!! Let’s send him a letter saying his septic tank went on the frizz again, causing Milford Trailer Vista to shut down for 2 months!!!!!!!! Everybody will be at that meeting. They’ll want restitution. Not even the Business Woman can get him out of paying the street and yard cleanup. He’s just as good as ‘Hit the showers!!!!’ It’ll be nice to use more than one sheet of steno paper to record the minutes.”

And maybe that explains why she IS pointing the finger.

“OF COURSE!!!!!!! You’re free to play. But that’s not the issue. Remember when you turned on the garden hose on that day when it was really muggy? And you forgot to turn it off because you wanted to catch the radio broadcast to see if the Cubs regained the lead? Well, your neighbor’s watermelon patch next door got flooded and…”

Well, I don’t think she’s screaming “You ran a slant and the play called for a buttonhook!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Her mind reveals a lump of coal

Stopped like the flutters in death’s robe

When she reveals her marriage plans

 

All of her bitches come deep and swift

Promise her anything only if

She’s going to have to ditch her dad

 

She’ll never understand

The entire playbook in one day

Time to head home, come what may

 

Look at that Business Woman

She’s got her head in her buttocks

Look at that Business Woman

Her hair’s not much whiter than Carol’s

 

Remember that flunky that followed that gangster who used to always say “Shaddup”? One of Bugs Bunny’s nemeses?

“Oh, Boy, Boss, we held up the Milford Federal Bank 3 times this week and we hot wired a coupla ‘vettes so we can head to our hideout in North Bend and live large and the best part is we won’t have to attend any more School Board meetings!!!!!!!! That video clearly shows we were racin’ the streets and alleys of New Thayer and gunnin’ down a couple of squad cars. No way they could prove we bombed Ms. Rizk’s classroom!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Shaddup.”

“Does that mean I’m back on the football team? I may have a fat ass but I can pull-block. And I know how to protect the quarterback’s blind spot. Coach T even thinks I can play a little tight end even if I have have lunky hands like Foghorn Leghorn.”

“Shaddup”

“And I think Mr. Ballard couldn’t sell an automobile policy to an Indy driver. And, Boss, he’s got lice in his beard. Does he ever shower? He smelled like Tiki’s septic tank. And Carol uses Geritol to treat her herpes. Old people’s medical products won’t bail you out if you’re sexually indiscriminate.”

“Shaddup”

“And are those guys ACTUALLY playing football in P1? It’s been so long since we’ve seen any sports. Just Looney Tunes and the Business Woman and her boyfriend-cum-fiancee. And her dad who’s in a mid-life crisis at 81. When I saw the helmets, I thought ‘what’s a road construction crew member with a Stop and Slow sign doing at the practice field? Then it hit me. Gawrsh, THEY”RE PLAYING FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!! I know because crane operators don’t normally wear jock straps. You don’t do a cup check on a cement mixer. I’ll bet you didn’t know that, huh, Boss?”

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHADDUP MEANS SHADDUP

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Judge Ito Declares O.J. Will Not Have To Vacate Condo Even If Costco Is Moving In The Suite Next Door!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“It is my understanding that the Milford Zoning Board had designated the property a mixed-usage development with an easement so The Bucket could use the grass lot for overflow parking on Saturday night.”

 

Boy, the Chunky Bracelet Parade is in full display today. Business Woman bought a few at Milford Consignment Shoppe and must have picked up a few off the ground when she was at Milford Towing and Recovery to retrieve a teenager’s car after the car got its title mixed up with another car which was supposed to be towed to New Thayer Towing and Recovery. The Milford Towing people have VCR’s. They should have watched the video of the New Thayer owner sticking the title in the glove box. There’d be no misunderstanding. And Business Woman wouldn’t be plucking stray brass rings and copper fixtures out of junk vehicles and putting them on her wrists.

I’ll give Thorpiverse this. They got the sound effect right for once. I personally would have liked WHAP but I’m not particular. Just PLEEEEASSSEEEEE no more KRUNK or FLOK or SPLACK or any of the other noises Bigfoot makes in Milford Nature Area when he’s taking a dump.

“Batman!!!!!!! Look out!!!!!!!!! Here comes Bigfoot!!!!!!!”

FART

Oops, not even Batman did that to The Riddler. Let’s try again

“Batman!!!!!!! Look out!!!!!!!!! Here comes Bigfoot!!!!!!!”

CRATCH

“You knocked him cold, Batman.”

“Yes, and with the Hydrogenated Anti-matter Dephosphated Soporific Bat Sleeping Gas, Chief O’Hara and the rest of the Milford Police should be here before he wakes up.”

 

And speaking of Batman, not sure why The Joker is making her dad wear a suit and be a prop. Why would that be necessary if you she were trying to track down the Bat Cave? Be in your best seersucker when you finally locate the Bat Computer? And is the School Board meeting still a go? I thought that was a dead issue. As in sports, expect the unexpected in Thorpiverse. Evidently, Business Woman wants her dad to be in his best Joe Pesci and bring his accordion that’s on his desk in P3 to entertain the School Board members. Playing some polka like Bobby Vinton’s “Melody of Love” would soften anybody’s renewed efforts to run Tiki out of town. The Lawrence Welk Theme ought to bring Ballard the Insurance Guy to his knees. Get Carol Merrill at 85 cryin’ those crocodile tears.

“I haven’t cried this much since I showed some man and his family that Bahamas trip for 4 behind Door #3.”

And maybe it’s just me, but aside from the inexplicable time-lapse growth of Mr. Baxendales’s hair caused by an outpouring of Rogaine and oat bran mix, is Mr. Baxendale striking the Napoleonic pose? Otherwise, he appears to be holding those sheets of paper containing business news and insider info at Milford Downs with his left ring finger and pinky. I tip my hat to a guy who can bet the winning horse and hold the form on his thumbnail, no question.

And does she always wear Ford Explorer piston rings when she’s talking to her dad? I know she’s trying to look stylish but…

 

“And that’ll wrap up another practice here on the gridiron. I’ll be talking with Coach T. in a moment. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“Did your loved one pass away recently and your budget did not allow for cremation? Wasn’t it a bitter pill to swallow to see the corpse lie in state in the truck bed while the Dodge Ram peeled away towards the Milford Medical Research Center? As one family related to me, it was shocking to find out Grandpa Jones was subdivided all over the lab, or so the nurses said. It was painful to put his head in a jar while his hands were substituted for frog legs to do testing on nerve impulses. And don’t go there about his gluteus maximus. That became some kid’s trampoline after testing that with Dacron.

Hi, I’m Doctor Pearl, speaking on behalf of Milford Funeral Solutions. The friendly staff here understands the concerns of many families strapped for funds but want the dignified procedures that accompany cremation. That’s why they have partnered with Milford Scrap Metals, Inc. to facilitate a better way to The Promised Land. For a cost that would cause a mild surprise, Milford Funeral Solutions can take your loved one, after proper service and heartfelt testimony of the deceased when he or she was alive, and drive the Dear Departed  to Milford Scrap Metals, Inc. for a righteous send-off.

Don’t worry, after all the aluminum has separated from the iron, staff workers at the incinerator ensure that the device is completely devoid of any metals or the occasional Diet Coke 16 -ounce bottle that gets accidentally thrown in the fire. Your loved will never know what hit him or her as the flames reach an apogee that will take him or her to the Stairway to Heaven. No leftover material has ever graced the surroundings, your loved one has vanished into another dimension, ready to join those who wait for him in the Heavenly Garden. Isn’t wonderful to not spot charred bone or misrouted dentures around the fireplace, let alone the hearse crash into one of the semi’s filled with #2 copper because the police-escorted cavalcade kept the Path to El Dorado pig iron ingot-free and devoid of rebar trucks? And you didn’t have to dip into your retirement and pay an early withdrawl penalty.

Yes, Milford Funeral Solutions truly has discount cremations designed to bring peace of mind to your loved one and your pocketbook. Come check them out today and let your own Uncle Charlie get the Trial by Fire via The Shadow of Death without allowing your car to be repossessed. You owe it to yourself and your loved one.”

 

Take ‘er away, Gang. I think we still are going to have a School Board meeting. Maybe not. But maybe one day Tiki will sign with the Cubs…

Couldn’t resist, Robmize, couldn’t resist.

 

And when she comes, the plot explodes

Exquisite bracelets in outrageous mode

When dad’s hair grows, it’s suddenly gone

 

Maybe you’ll find it, maybe you won’t

Maybe Dad loves her, maybe he don’t

Maybe he’ll wear a peruke all alone

 

You’ll never comprehend

The hair transplants she gave to Dad

A Business Woman, that’s her path

 

Look at that Business Woman

She bought some hair for his scalpline

Look at that Business Woman

She’s got more white hair than Dad’s chest

July 16, 2019

What’s This Summer All About?

Filed under: big arms, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots, Piss faced Tiki, Tilden — tdrewhardin @ 8:10 am

071619

Frankly, I’m confused. Here I was in my Ethan Allen recliner chair, jumbo extra-buttered popcorn in one hand, 2 liter of Diet Coke I froze in the fridge in other hand, more where that came from behind the leftover celery and carrots and spinach dip tray in the Amana, plenty of Mike ‘n’ Ike on the coffee table, running the gamut from sour balls to chocolate gumbo lover’s delight (milk chocolate and okra, mmmmmmm, mmmmmmm) , and I was ready to pop the DVD in the player, I DID pop the DVD in the player, expecting to see the Warner Brothers logo and Bugs Bunny’s face grace the middle of the logo, the Looney Tunes Theme played with aplomb by Metallica, then suddenly Bugs Bunny reclining while munching on another carrot, pulling on the curtain to introduce another installment, “Bugs Breaks Par at MCC” or “Hare Ball with Gil” or even “Bunny Bag Full of Tricks and Clubs”. “5-Iron Hare” wasn’t really going to cut it but I had this barrel of popcorn to balance on the arm rest and beggars can’t be choosers, y’know.

But WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!!!! What in the name of Pepe Le Pew was going on? Oh, this stunk all right but it had nothing to do with a skunk trying to hit on Mimi throughout the cartoon.

“Ah, my love. Domp yor hus-BEND and cum wizz me and I weel show you zee fi-NER zings in Oak-WOOD.”

Dating a skunk in another Rockville at their version of The Bucket, playing “Red River Valley” by Red Sovine, the K-Tel version, off the jukebox, it’s easy to see why Mimi rejected Pepe’s advances.

“Phew!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn, Mimi, your blouse stinks to high heaven!!!!!!!!! Man, your whole outfit reeks of roadkill!!!!!!!!! Have you been seeing another man?”

 

Meanwhile, back on the field, I am utterly disappointed. I was expecting a golf plot but got “Alfie”

What’s it all about

TIKI

Is it just for the Summer

You live

 

What’s it all about

When you play it out

The TD reception you give

Or are you meant to cover

Your man

 

And if only fools are toast

Then I guess it’s wise to be Wonder Bread

 

And if the game belongs to the talented

What will you lend based on an old golden rule

 

As sure as I believe there is a Heaven above

I know you can do so much more

Something even non-football converts believe in

I believe in ability

TIKI

 

Without ability, you’re just standing like the goal post

Until you find the receiver, you’re ancient history

TIKI

 

When you find him, stick to him

Like Elmer

And you’ll find the pass meant for

The split end

TIKI

 

Oh TIKI

 

Mortifying a plot by mortifying a pseudo-Othello with one of my favorite in the business, Dionne Warwick. Life is good.

 

I normally wait until the end to comment but Franku brings up an interesting point. Why is Tiki playing if they are essentially ruling him ineligible? Gang, when I was coaching Babe Ruth Baseball, we couldn’t touch high school players from their teams until we got a written release from their coach. Don’t want Big Brother a/k/a High School Athletic Association snoopin’ around and seeing if a couple of high school pitchers are doing warm-ups with the rest of the staff or the high school catcher running laps around the complex without either scenario’s John Henry stating it was all good to go.

I have to believe Tilden wouldn’t cross the Alps with Hannibal and the rest of the elephants and hippos for a non-sanctioned event, let alone playing a team with somebody at the mercy of a School Board meeting. It’s bad enough trying to find enough water to water down the hippos but does Tilden have to get tangled up in Blues (oh, shit, turn off that Dylan CD, T. Drew) , uh, tangled up in someone else’s hippo poop? Well, I guess what Dylan was talking about and what I’m talking about might as well be the same only you can’t bring a hose to a School Board meeting. You’ll just have to come without Pepe.

“What do yoo men, I cant cum to zee mee-TING? I can strai-zen zees hole zing out. I can bribe zee luvlee lady Board Member wiz my charms-and a Buck-EET Bur-GAIR. Estee Lauder and BEEG Macs wark ev-er-EE time. ”

Anyway, Tilden crossed the Rubicon without a hitch. It’ll be Gil’s cross to bear when it comes to Alfie, er, Tiki.

 

Come to Galan’s Meat’s in Louisville, Kentucky. They are just about to move in a new building and I can see why. They offer the freshest meats around from ground round to prime rib to bar-b-q ribs. And it is cut daily so you are in for a treat. And if you want a sandwich, from pork chop to hamburger, with sides like potato salad or cole slaw, the grill is continually smokin’ until closing time. Man, my mouth is watering even as I text. They are on Market Street in West Louisville, Kentucky and you owe it to yourself to dig in. I sure did.

Support Small Business. You need to go where everyone knows your name.

 

“Hi, this is Joe Sharkey. If you’ve been injured in an accident, you need money to pay the medical bills. Insurance companies are digging through the playbook to look for ways to run over, out-hustle, out-block, out-play, and out-smart the competition.

Don’t be like Loser Jensen here in P1 who got torched for a Fly pattern and subsequently watched the insurance companies high-five each other in the end zone. They will stop at nothing to run up the score. If they can’t beat you on the field, believe me, they will yank out the rule book and try to beat you on a technicality.”

“I got my bell rung when a construction worker tried to dig up the street to get to a pipeline, blasting the sucker with dynamite and the manhole cover conking me out and ripping a side of my face. The insurance companies tried to get technical by saying our receiver’s birth certificate was notarized a day after the Notary Public’s term expired. Thank God, The Shark had a stopwatch and determined that the Notary signed the affidavit 10 minutes before he turned into a pumpkin. Thanks, Shark.”

“You heard right. Don’t let insurance companies cheat you out of the TD you ran and the face-lift you deserve because they were trying to get a replay from some schmuck’s cheap K-Mart camcorder. Call 1-FON-THE-JAWS and get the money you deserve.”

 

Oooooooooookkkkkkkkk, so we’re not going the injury lawyer route in P1. Hadley Venom is not going to be an ambulance chaser and get the insurance number for Tiki when he gets his face spiked by a Tilden fullback.

Then there’s the other question “Is this a dream within a dream?”, to quote Alan Parsons off “Tales of Mystery & Imagination.” In other words, the Tilden players, coaches, elephants, hippos, cheetahs, chimpanzees, etc. are here to stay, at least in the next few days (“In your FACE, Curious George!!!!!!!!”, “C’mon, Babar, do the Sack Dance with me!!!!!!!!!”) , but what of the plot per se? Will this be a mini-plot that lasts until Labor Day, then we turn on the afterburners and find out Jaquan wants to coach the receivers and marry Hadley Vertigo on the 50-yard line and watch the Mudlark players work out the logistics of setting up the altar, arranging for the minister, rehearsing with Ed Asner (GOOD ONE, TEENCHY) on giving away his daughter, constructing the reception table with Marty Moon as the DJ (Can’t have Booby do it, Rockville’s still mad at him; and Ernie the P has lost his audience. Imagine Harold Stassen spinning Carl Perkins’ “Honey Don’t” on the turntable and you get the idea) , everyone rehearsing throwing rice at the couple, and hiring a limo to haul them off to Mudlark Lake Resort for the honeymoon?  BTW, as long as Luhm is around with a mega-blower that could knock over the Sears Tower, the rice ought to cleared out at least as far as Siberia in time for the real thing. The limo should drive of with Uncle Ben in its tread. But the question remains with the Minute Rice question laid to rest. Is this or is this not a mini-plot?

Or will this blend into the football season and Heather Burns returns to give Tiki pointers on how to properly blindside your opponent, especially in his private areas when he’s not learning Torts and Comparative Fault from Hadley Victim’s Rights? One day, he’s learning the proper footwork on how to defense a tight end, then the next day, he’s in a courtroom soaking up 49 ways to prepare a case brief (“Make sure you do what Alice Cooper does and come early in the morning when nobody’s around the Xerox machine.”) And this pas de deux gracefully saunter for months leading into Thanksgiving? Gang, aren’t you excited? Time to hit the microwave and nuke another Jiffy Pop while I’m rewinding the DVD. And if Charlie from My Three Sons, er, Heather Burns’ dad returns with a vengeance, it’s time to get the White Castle cheeseburgers out of the freezer and nuke those too. Can’t have enough excitement on this website, don’t ya know.

 

If ya’s playin’ in a 7-on-7 Weekend Softball Tournament and ya wanna play center field cuz ya wanna work off the excess Falls City by chasin’ down all the balls hit down the left field line cuz the manager ain’t got a left fielder amongst his 7 players and yore cut-off man is yore Sterling-bellied pitcher,  ya might be a redneck.

 

“Coach!!!!!!!! Coach!!!!!!!!!! I know who shot Coach Shaw!!!!!!!!!!!”

“GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let me get on my cell phone with the police!!!!!!! Who was it?”

“It was———-”

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

‘Sorry, Coach, we need to fix that lock. but we oughta be able to lure that hippo back to the trailer with some prime rib.”

“I understand, but now we’re down to 7-on-6.”

 

 

P2-“Dude, your head is so far up your ass, the chimpanzees might mistake you for an ostrich. You are really out of it today.”

“Not true. I am perfectly focused and ready for the next play.”

“Well. I’d put on my helmet before you got on the field instead of that earthen pot of marigolds you got in your hand from the gardens of the Milford Public Library grounds.”

Trying to put it on

“Is there any Miracle-Gro in the equipment shed?”

 

Come to The Bookworm in Corydon, Indiana. There is wide selection of used books that can suit just about any fancy that has been satisfying mine for several years. I LOVE their Louis L’Amour collection, being a Western buff, so I frequent the place as much as I’m humanly able. There is a book that is bound to cater to any taste so you owe it to yourself to talk to a friendly face or two and check out the selection. Their cook books are to die for, Gang. Support Small Business. You need to go where everybody knows your name.

 

 

 

Oh, look, Howdy Doody had an interracial marriage at some point in his career and his progeny is in P3. Love that toothy smile. And nice to see the gloves he obtained when he skinned a leopard either from the Tilden caravan or out in the woods where the mutant poplars abide. Leopards aren’t picky. And, evidently, neither is Howdy VI.

I agree that Tiki should dial it in. He has all these legal terms as well as the play book to memorize, for pete’s sake. Give him time. Rezoning Variance and a buttonhook pattern can be Hell to memorize in one night.

 

“And the gun goes off, indicating the end of the 3rd quarter, with the score, Tilden, 37, Milford, 34. This is Marty Moon at the 7-on-7 scrimmage on Mudlark Practice Field and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“Folks, if you’re like me, you grew up with all the games shows like Joker’s Wild to Concentration to The Match Game. And with game show hosts like Bill Cullen or Pat Sajak, you couldn’t go wrong with great personalities with a nifty sense of humor.

But there’s one game show host that you, the customers, voted as the one you’d kill for an autograph were he 50 feet from your person. That’s right, Wink Martindale was the man most people would run over their grandmother for while driving their pickup truck should they ever be confronted with the opportunity. Even if the light was red.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse. And from now until the end of July, if you’ll come in with a memento of ol’ Wink himself, you’ll receive a 12-pack of your favorite brew and a $2 bag of chips. Mmm, mmm, I think I have that newspaper clip in the 1978 Milford Enquirer of Wink in the TV section hosting The Gong Show. Chuck Barris was sick with the flu that day so Wink pinch-hit in superb fashion with a group of parakeets singing “Don’t Leave Me This Way” the winner. Only Wink and Thelma Houston could do it any better. God, that Pabst Blue Ribbon Dark and a $2 bag of Mike-Sell’s Pork Rinds. And I have Wink to thank for that. Thanks, Mr. Martindale.

Sorry, it won’t do any good to bring in your scrap book photos of Bob Clayton when he was hosting Concentration, coaxing another homemaker to victory with the phrase “Moose Lye-k-Lee 2 Sox-Seed.” She might have won a trip to the Bahamas and a Home Version of Concentration but she’ll get no free booze here. She’ll need to go the Milford Public Library for a microfiche in the ’70’s of Wink hosting the $25,000 Pyramid (“You have a jaw like Roger Moore from James Bond.” “Did you do your hair at the Milford Dry Cleaners? You could put another face of Mount Rushmore on it.” “THINGS YOU’D SAY TO WINK!!!!!!!!” DING DING DING DING) if she wants her Stroh’s Lite ‘n’ Firm and Lay’s Vinegar ‘n’ Borscht.

And don’t bother with your 3-D photos of Art Fleming. I know you purists think Alex Trabek ruined Jeopardy and you’d like the old-school game show hosts to grace the stage once again (“Game Show Hosts for $200.” “He hosted Jeopardy back in the early ’70’s and got a hickey from a soccer mom when she got the Daily Double correct.” “Who is Dick Clark?” “No, that is incorrect…”) but Art Fleming and his nasally sexy voice won’t get you a Bud Gold and the $2 box of Rice Chex Mix that goes with it. It’s either Wink Martindale or you are listening to a report from the stock yards.

 

Bring in that photo of you posing with Wink and Mickey Mouse at Milford Disney World and get a free slice of The Good Life for your troubles. C’mon, people, do ya really want to do a Polaroid of you and Gene Rayburn at the beach of Mudlark Lake? I hope Gene has plenty of UV protection. You deserve to be compensated for your loyalty to a man who was considered by Entertainment Weekly to be the most influential game show host of the ’80’s and ’90’s. Get on down here with your 8 x 10 of ol’ Wink for some Miller Lite and pretzels and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Comment away. I get the feeling this is gonna drag on and on and on and…

Do ya really wanna see this in another commercial along with the Energizer Bunny? Thought so.

 

You better let somebody lovvvvveeeee you

TIKI

 

“Ahhhhhhh, Tiki, cum into my arms, don’t beeee shy, Pepe weel hep yoo get away from Haz-LEE Ve-NOME, DON’T RON AWAYYYYYY”

 

You better let somebody ELSE love you

TIKI

June 13, 2019

It Is Better To Spike The Volleyball With My Friends Than To Make The Final Cut On The Olympic Team With My Enemies.

Filed under: Just plain sad, Milford Idiots, What the hell is going on here? — tdrewhardin @ 7:57 am

061319

Or something along those lines. I don’t know if she got that inspiration watching the Avogadro’s number of stars(you think that’s where he determined the number of molecules, reading this plotli-nahhhhhhhhhh, he and Galileo were at The Bucket, chompin’ on Bucket Pita Salad and Mosel Wine, hoping the Pisa Tower, now The Milford Tower Senior Citizen Retreat Center, didn’t fall on them) in P1.

Being a Christian, one of my favorite Scriptures comes from Proverbs: “It is better to eat soup with someone you love than steak with someone you hate.” A very good lesson and ONE of the lessons Linda learned along the Long and Winding Road that was this plot.

The trouble was, were you as confused as I was trying to figure out what in the name of Scratching at the Volleyball Net were the teams Mimi was talking about? College teams? Teams in the WNBA???? Is there a League in the Galaxy? Last I checked, Linda you’re still in high school. Okay, Confucius say, that if you’ve lost the drive for your favorite sport, playing sandlot leagues at the sand volleyball courts behind the east parking lot at Milford Lounge is perhaps your Viagara.

But whaddup with all this name-calling? For all we know, Mimi memorized names out of the Milford Phone Book, left dangling in a deserted phone booth at the S-Mart. Boy, that’ll up my score on the Persuasibility portion of the Milford Vocational Aptitude Test. Just locate the nearest enclosed stall, maybe in the lobby by the snack bar at Milford General Hospital from where I’m standing, and I’ll ace it, fer sure.

And we had to go through hats and hippos back to hats so this plot apparently could save face, that’s right, Linda decked out, hat and all, like Aretha Franklin, just so this plot wouldn’t take a beating in the Rating Sweepstakes. Milford had Captain Kangaroo and Bozo the Clown on the other channels, y’know.

“Okay, boys and girls, if you’ll keep your head out of your rear ends(Children’s show, keep in mind) and listen to the coaches, you can wind up just like me. Ol’ Bozo is makin’ a good living because he didn’t overextend himself and he bloomed where he was planted.”

I think that’s speaking for itself. I’m gonna go check and see if “Good Morning, America” is on yet. I understand they’re interviewing Iron Butterfly. AND as a special treat, they’re doing the full-length version of “In-a-Goda-da-Vida”. That’ll kill Mimi’s name-calling in the Ratings War, don’t you think?

 

Who shot Coach Shaw?

“Suspect was seen with a hippo on the dashboard. Says it’s some kind of good luck charm.”

“Run the hippo through Ballistics. See if it matches the bullet that went through the juke box at The Bucket.”

“Way ahead of you. In fact, witnesses say suspect shot at Coach Shaw because he couldn’t stand Slim Whitman’s ‘Red River Valley’ being played. Shaw evidently was a big fan. Went to see Slim play at Milford Amphitheater right after Mitch Miller Singers and Perry Como.”

“Will do.”

 

Now is everybody satisfied that this will be the end of this charade? Because David’s dad reminds me of that song by The Doors

 

DAVID WALKED ON DOWN THE HALL

“Father?”

“Yes, Son?”

“I want to kill this plot.”

“Ask your mother.”

“She said it was OK.”

“Fine with me.”

BLAM

 

It is VERY tough for me to want to say anything smart-ass in P2, chiefly because it hits too close to home.

Therefore, for all you people out there who have kids in sports or are thinking about it, here’s a few tips along the way, things that worked for me

I had 3 things I told my players in Babe Ruth League Baseball or when I followed my nephew for 12 years, all the way to high school, primarily baseball and cross country

1) Give 110% at all times

2) Listen to the coaches and do everything they ask, to the best of your ability

3) Come prepared. The best teams are not always better-talented but they come to play

Regardless of what the scoreboard says at the end of the game.

 

A few other things. Don’t let your kid argue with coaches or umpires. That’s YOUR job. And if you do have anything to say, keep your voice low and know what you’re talking about.

Therefore, learn the rules, from the rule book all the way down to the local yokel guidelines.

BE THERE for your kid, no matter the record or the sport. You might have played basketball but if he or she likes canoeing, then the 3 rules above apply and you support him or her to the best of your ability.

If you criticize, criticize in private, praise in public. Coach them up until high school, then let the coaches take over. Nothing irritates a high school coach more than an armchair coach. If you work on something, it better be good and with the approval of the coach of the team your kid is playing on.

Only have positive things to say about other people, teams, coaches. Otherwise, say it to their face or not at all. For those of you wanting your kids in sports, I’m throwing in a freebie

“Silence is seldom misquoted”

LEARN THAT ONE BY HEART

 

Finally, MAKE SURE your kid understands that SCHOOL COMES FIRST. Don’t EVER give him or her the impression that winning a championship at the expense of his or her performance in school is tolerated.

I follow my own advice. I follow the local college baseball players in the Minor Leagues with the understanding GET YOUR DEGREE. As the old saying goes, very few will make the Pros. The rest of us better have something to fall back on. The idea is to make them better people anyway.

Don’t get me wrong. A couple of guys I follow got called up to The Show. That’s when making academics a priority gets sweeter. In the end, make sure your kid is academically eligible so if he or she is in that championship picture, you can dance a jig or two like I did.

Otherwise, ALWAYS have something to fall back on. The other day I read where one of my players was a manager at a Radio Shack. Another one is a team leader at PPG Industries. That’s when I knew us coaches did our jobs.

 

It’s worth it, Gang. Stay with ’em. They need you.

 

We move onto P3 where Linda is making the decision of her career with a platform in the background borrowed, rumors say, from the “Shiny Happy People” video. Wow, that old man’s got some energy. I hope I have that much chutzpah pedaling a Hostess Ding Dong w/Sprinkles skyline when I reach that age. Then he’s got those huge cauliflower trees. I knew Herbicide Technology does wonders but this is an old man behind the scenery trying to lug some Asparagus Redwood around David’s house. And all that dancing and singing from Kate Pierson of the B-52’s? No, David’s dad, don’t call the police. You’ve already proven enough of an asshole so much I wanna hit your bald pate with a wet cauliflower, preferably the one with the pine needles in it.

ANYWAY, that off my chest, I’m still debating what Linda means by friends. As in, find a volleyball net someone threw away in the garbage can for Trash Day, put it up on the same tree where Beaver hangs his tire swing or target practice for pitching baseballs, call 5-6 girls(or boys if ya wanna go co-ed), choose up sides and play without keeping score? Not a bad idea and if Linda can manage her competitive juices along the way, more power to her(NO, BEAVER, THAT WAS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

Or does she want to play with friends in a semi-competitive environment, Sand Volleyball League Matches down at Milford Beverage Warehouse? Well, as long as she doesn’t buy booze, I’m sure The Warehouse woild be willing to bend the rules since they need the money to keep the League going. I don’t think sales of Guillaume de Vergy Brut is financing this venture.

All righty then, Linda, get that bikini out of the closet, call some girls, sign the liability forms saying you won’t hold the Warehouse responsible if you let another softball or volleyball slip through the cracks because you were too pissy-faced about Australia and looks like the fun will never stop.

Beyond that, I’m scratchin’ my noggin, trying to figure out what playing with friends entails. Then again, that’s a Hostess Cup Cake skyline that old man is luggin’, isn’t it?

 

“It looks like Linda’s learning a lot about life. And that gives me the opportunity to announce the 1st Annual All-Comers Double-Elimination Sand Volleyball Tournament sponsored by Milford Beverage Warehouse held this Saturday at their newly-constructed state-of-the-art Sand Volleyball facility.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp speaking on behalf of The Warehouse and when I saw that they didn’t just dump some dog-poop-infested sand from Mudlark Lake, I was highly impressed. With volleyball nets that the Olympics use to determine Gold Medals and chalk lines that’ll put a church softball field out of its misery, shoot, I’m gonna skip the links this Saturday.

They have Tournaments for all ages and skill levels. In fact, Mimi and I just turned in our form for the Co-Ed Bracket, Bloodhound Division. Gotta take it easy when you get into an exciting Tournament like this. I understand Tod Andrews and his 360-pound, one-tooth cousin entered the Golden Retriever level. He insisted that she can move and spike, even in the sand and with all that luggage. We’ll see.

Linda, if you’re within range, you need to come on down with David and have him watch you play. With bleachers vulcanized from the finest tungsten mills of New Thayer, he can down a Bud, as long as he’s accompanied by his asshole-of-a-dad who does double duty, BTW, lighting up the courts with his head. Copper light reflection technology is so avant-garde, geez.

Don’t you want to watch David and Pennytop go apeshit, oops, gaga, over your Grade A performance? Sure you do. In fact, the Female Bracket, Snippet Division was judged the most competitive Division by the Milford Volleyball Conglomerate. Geez, Louise, Linda, playing with friends while still at the top of your game, plenty of brewskies flowing, and the Bud Man’s in the house? And he’s in the Caped Crusader Bracket, Beagle Division, so hop on over to Court #2 with your Bud Lite as he battles Batman and The Green Lantern. Lools like everybody’s partying like it’s 2099.

And with beer and wine specials too low to advertise over the radio, you have a winning formula for a killer Saturday night. Sorry, the FCC wouldn’t renege, even after we waived the fee for their entrants in the Co-Ed Bracket, Government Employee Division. You’ll just have to check out these specials yourself while you’re down here, partying for your life.

So come on, get pumped, get rowdy, get ready, get wasted for the Tournament. The Bucket couldn’t even begin to know where to go, they’re too busy bribing City Officials and concocting illegal Bond Issues, just to get a Liquor License when they should hire the Drott man and dig up their own courts. Right now, they’re just digging a grave.

Come watch Mimi and I tough it out this Saturday and get a cart full of goodies to stuff in the trunk. It don’t get no better than that. Only at Milford Beverage Warehouse.”

Comment away, Gang. I still think the backdrop has the color of a Hostess Twinkie during the day. I’ll ask the old man when he’s back from break.

 

Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer

“O.J In The Finals Of The Men’s Bracket, Greyhound Division!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“How’d I get Cochrane in the Draw? Isn’t that a conflict of interest????????”

 

 

“A six-pack of Zing Zang Bloody Mary is HOW much?????Damn!!!!!!!!! I got that five dollar bill in my back pocket somewhere. Oh, shit, are we still live????? I hope the FCC was at a Port-O-Let.”

 

 

 

This is The End

My only friend,

The End

 

Also Sprach Jim Morrison

 

 

June 12, 2019

Soon It Won’t Matter Anymore

gt06122019

Called it, I think. Mimi’s weak-assed reverse psychology is about to claim an innocent victim. I half expect that David will reveal an ulterior motive for casting FUD in Linda’s head because reasons.

Style points for Linda for breaking up in person a/o/t the ghosting referred to in the comments to the above-linked strip. I suppose we should be grateful the Thorpiverse isn’t  Lynn Johnston’s Ontario in which everyone ends up with their high school sweetheart.

Dunno who this rando burger eating girl is in the foreground but with hands like that she could spell Jocelynn Brown behind the plate.

Today’s bizarre cameo: Wilbur Weston from Mary Worth in the role of David’s dad.

Today’s title inspiration is as short and sweet as today’s post.

June 10, 2019

Hat Day!

Filed under: huge hats, Just plain sad, Mimi Thorp — nedryerson @ 6:30 am

061019

In all the shuffle of idiotic plot devices, I had totally forgotten about the hats. It’s hat day? Game days are hat days, so it must be game day.

Linda looks a bit unnerved. She’s probably not into the hat. Also, her outfit makes her look like the water bottle in the foreground. See the cafeteria group looking at her like, who’s the person sized water bottle with the red cap?

It’s time for Mimi to address Linda’s issues. She already brilliantly sorted out Nancy and Molly with book club. Now she has to get Linda fired up for volleyball. Because Linda has a full ride scholarship to play volleyball, and it’s mid June and Linda is moping up a storm because she’s not on the Olympic volleyball team yet.

Mimi’s first salvo: That mid level college you’re attending has a craptastic volleyball team. A player of your caliber is probably not going to make a difference there.

June 7, 2019

I’m firing that pig!

Well so much for Animal Farm being a difference maker in this storyline. That pig must be rolling his eyes as he rolls in the mud reading this strip. We’re back down that long slippery slope to nothing. Its so bad you wonder whether this strip was intended to run a week ago, before the book assignment. And Rubin forgot about it and is just now running it, so out of sequence is the mindset of the characters. Maybe Molly threw in the towel about her synchronized skating  (and for that matter the softball team) and is just enjoying her role in life as the president of the Tool Cool Club. Who the hell is this committee anyway? I cant believe any high school male would get that excited about getting a button like that. And does Tyler even know about this TC shit? His first question should be — ‘What committee?’

Even Molly’s logic is flawed. Hey — writing screenplays is a BYPRODUCT of ones education, just like doing a science project is a byproduct of getting schooled in science and Applying that knowledge. So it aint too cool for school. TC buttons should go to kids who are so cocky they dont want to learn whats being taught and put the effort into the process. These 2 guys dont qualify at all– but Molly is such a fuckin dimwit she cant tell the difference. And she ordered more badges– I know the first batch was 50, so we will have 100 Milford students walking around campus on June 10 when everyone else is working on their summer tan, with these silly things that will be forgotton as soon as the next storyline commences. As some Spanish guy said -De Sooner De Better.

June 6, 2019

Moral Of This Story: Animals Should Leave The Sale Of Buttons To Ol’ McDonald.

Filed under: Just plain sad, Milford Idiots, Mimi Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 8:44 am

060619

Teamwork Good. Button-Selling Bad.

Well, let’s not get hasty here. Me, for what it’s worth, talking about buttons ad nauseum in a game when the focus should be on THE GAME no question cost them a win.

And I know Mimi is trying to prove a point but ordering Classics through Milford Book-of-the-Month Club and passing out a leather-bound volume that was once read by Woodrow Wilson when he was relaxing at the end of the day in his pipe and slippers after a long bitter day of negotiations concerning the League of Nations in the name of teachable moments is simply outta here. Take charge, Mimi, and leave the Bull Moose Party out of it.

 

We were lost

In doubt

Pissed and steamed

That this tale

Went further south

 

We were lost

In doubt

With buttons being shipped

Obscure and duty-free across the coastline

 

This sale is bigger than the both of us

It’s bigger than the women’s gym

We were lost

In doubt

Petrified at the travesty

And impulsive whims

 

Gang, I remember when Paul Westhead was coaching the Lakers back in the late ’70’-early ’80’s and they had just acquired Magic Johnson (who BTW hated that moniker and responded better to his preferred Buck or Earvin, the latter being his real name) through the Draft.

Westhead was not on the greatest relationship with his players anyway and when Magic stepped in, in fairness, he did defuse much of the heat directed at Westhead, though he really wasn’t wild about his coaching ideas as well. Never one to question coaches, even I still raised an eyebrow when Westhead was trying to implement complex, half-court schemes on a team that was built to run. A team with Michael Cooper, Jamaal Wilkes, and Earvin Johnson would do that. Though they won in 1980 with those same ideas, it not being all gloom and doom, they were unceremoniously bounced out of the Playoffs the next year by a Houston Rocket team that included Moses Malone, whose early entrance into pro ball was finally paying off and his stock was ever-rising. Tenacious rebounding and dominant, well-timed, sometimes-out-of-nowhere shot-blocking had a way increasing in value on the free market.

Anyway, in a crucial game where Westhead has everyone in the huddle, he designed a play where it was just pretty basic, Folks. Magic, throw the ball into Kareem, and Kareem, you dunk it or do your sky-hook, ball game. Okay, good enough.

But then, Westhead pulls Magic over to the side. Magic, unaware of what Westhead has on his mind NOW, found himself listening to Westhead quote Shakespeare (Westhead being a HUGE fan of The Bard)

“Earvin, If it were done when ’tis done, then ’twere well/It were done quickly.”

Say what?

“Coach, you DO want me to lob it down low to Kareem, right?”

 

Well, I had a “Say what?” moment this morning as Mimi was continuing her over-extended teachable moment with an analogy that, and I’m really trying to be as nice as Magic was to Westhead, really fell flat on its face.

First off, Mimi, you’re right. In “Animal Farm”, the Oppressed did indeed become the Oppressors, a point George Orwell was attempting to drive home in relation to the Soviet Union. Once manhandled by the Tsars down through the ages, Stalin wasn’t much better, slaughtering indiscriminately in the name of Freedom. And it wasn’t just Stalin.

But that’s where we part company. At no time did I think our eager-beaver button-selling duo were ever exploiting the masses through the sale of said merchandise or being expoited themselves. Yes, what turned out to be a nifty motivational tool to boost team morale went awry, the same way the Hippo Concept did, our Hippo Hero getting practically thrown into the dumpster when it didn’t win the 1960 World Series. Yeah, Bill Mazeroski, you heel. Way to leave the poor pachyderm to rot in the junk pile after you put it to the Yankees.

But I’m still scratching my head wondering where Mimi got the idea that that made them slave owners at The Tara. Boy, now I know where Gone With The Wind got its name. Teenagers being teenagers, they got swept up in an idea that could have used better judgment. It’s okay to recognize achievements, especially unusual ones. And they learned that not reining this one in cost them several things, including a ball game.

But Mimi, leave Rhett Butler back in West Virginia, which is where he came from and where he BELONGS. Slavery really wasn’t the issue here. No more “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”, puh-leeease. Nobody’s smuggling their TCFS button on the midnight Underground Raolroad.

Hey, I know. Next time go basic. How ’bout “The Little Train That Could”? Was really more apropos for a button-selling, under-confident and under-achieving team, anyway. As long as you’re not going to take charge and make ’em do the stairs, that’d be the first choice off the shelf at the Milford Public Library.

 

And, not surprisingly, Westhead was fired after the season. Anybody who remembers Jerry Buss, owner of the Lakers, knew he was the George Steinbrenner of the NBA, i.e., quick to pull the trigger on a coach if that poor soul was not up to Buss’ standards or mood, for that matter. Buss did a mercy-killing on this one. Thank God, Mimi didn’t dish out “The Last of the Mohicans” to Magic or Kareem.

“Kareem, if the sky hook isn’t falling, you could disappear like some of our Native Americans did when the white man began to settle.”

“Mimi, I want to see you in my office. NOW.”

 

Timbuys, your Kinks video inspired me. You gave me a brilliant idea. Sung to The Kinks’ “Lost and Found”

 

The baseball season’s out to lunch

A hurricane hit it and sent it to Seychelles

No double plays or infield flies

The tide just swept it and swirled it straight to Hell

 

And Captain Elbert Thorp

Said shiver me timbers

Focus now on making putts

Guys, get loose and limber

 

We were lost

In doubt

Golf awaits

Leave your glove at home

We were lost

In doubt

Take a drop

There’s no more sliding into home

 

This crap is bigger than the both of us

It’s really reeked a smelly pace

Batting donuts are a rare commodity

Dunkin’ Donuts came and took its placcccceeeee

 

Guitar solo from Dave Davies. Best in the business. Thank God, Marty and his ukulele are at Mudlark Lake Resort with Peaches. I shudder to think.

 

Ol’ McDonald had a farm

E-I-E-I-O

And on this farm, he raised some ‘Larks

E-I-E-I-O

With some Buttons, Buttons here

And some Buttons, Buttons there

Buttons in the slop

Buttons in the john

Buttons in the chaw

Buttons in the stall

Some in hen’s eggs

Some in goats legs

Ol’ McDonald was in the sling

E-I-E-I-O

 

Well, needs a little polish but what children’s song showed up on Billboard Hot 100 the first week? It takes a while to wind up on Casey Kasem’s desk.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Marty Moon Defends Rate Hike At The Warehouse At City Council Meeting!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Between a tall boy and riding Trigger, I think you know my preferences.”

 

Assuming that we’re still in the gym, the light in P1 too far away to be the Communist Debriefing Room in the M. C. Escher wing of Milford High School, we now confront the hangdog mien that is Molly and Nancy in P2.

Really, is this something Ward Cleaver is gently putting Wally and Beaver through the rinse cycle over at the end of the show? I can only imagine the premise at the beginning.

“Ward, would you talk to Beaver? He threatened to punch Eddie Haskell’s lights out if he didn’t wear a ‘Red Scare Rules!!!!’ button at school. He has Lumpy Rutherford in tears because he won’t show off his ‘TCFC’ lapel.”

“Of course. I have a sales convention in Honolulu to attend but should be able to catch the red-eye flight back to Milford and give him a heart-to-heart talk by the end of the show. BTW, what does ‘TCFC’ mean?”

“I think the kids are saying ‘Too Cool For Communism.”

 

“Gosh, Beav, when Dad finds out you stuck a frog down Polly’s butt because she wouldn’t wear a ‘Stalin Sucks’ button on her dress, you’re gonna get clobbered.”

 

“Uh, Beaver, I think you owe Polly and Lumpy an apology. And I want no more of this button business. You’re old enough not to shove anti-Communism ideals down people’s throats. Leave that to Nixon.”

“Gosh, Dad, you’re right. I’ll go tell them I’m sorry. From now on, I won’t force ‘Eisenhower Is Too Soft On Mao’ unless they ask.”

“Well, the trip from Oahu to Milford was worth it after all. Come on, what say we hit The Bucket for a Bucket Root Beer Float? And some Bucket Garlic Cheese Fries?”

“Gee, Dad, you’re the greatest.”

 

Okay, okay, if you can conjure up any better methods to address the sourpuss status in P2, I’m open for suggestions.

Then there’s the word “Lite”. How in the name of Wilfred Funk did that crawl into the English language with that kind of usage? Now, I THINK it is being emoloyed as a suffix, much like we’ve attached the word “-gate” to suggest a scandal big or small. Y’know, from the word “Watergate”, the hotel where Nixon engineered the infamous break-in to wiretap a slew of Democrats. I think we’re safe to not call this latest caper “Button-gate” (yet) , and we have the Bud Lite distribution and discussion to thank for that.

So now, Molly and Nancy will no longer pour Miller Lite in their 2% Milford Dairy Milk carton to calm their nerves before the game or they’ll be runnin’ laps in the gym. That’s fair. I think Mimi has a firm-lite grip on the situation, what do you think?

“Molly, I can smell  your breath in the 3rd row. Did you pour Michelob Lite down your Yoo-Hoo again? Gimme 20 around the horn.”

 

If ya poured a fifth of Jack in yore Hawaiian Punch right before the SAT exam ta handle the stress and ya managed ta hang on ta yore #2 pencils and calkylator, not ta mention slip past the proctor so that ya eventually scored high on the Verbal, ya might be a redneck.

 

We were lost

In doubt

Wondering what

Mimi plans to do with all these buttons

 

We were lost

In doubt

Just in time

For the Customs boat to raid them

Off the coastline

 

It appears we are tying up loose ends in P3. Molly Hatchet and her Amazing Technicolor Trapezoidal Butt is evidently bent on making amends and following George Harrison’s advice to use the power provided, free to everyone. This is love, you know. The button says so. Another one says “‘Cloud Nine’ is a Killer Album”. I told Molly to print that one after she snubbed me the first time. Hey, plugging The Beatles and The Rolling Stones for 50 years counts for something, as long as we’re making restitution.

Anyway, Tyler is going to get his Gideon Bible like he should have gotten in the dresser drawer at the Milford Marriott and we can just move onto summer. Not holding my breath, but at least the Gideon Bible is annotated. Last one was printed by Archie & The Gang and you know how Jughead Jones cuts corners just so he can leave early out the back for a burger down at Pop’s Choklit Shoppe.

 

“You know, when I see a kid ridin’ Buddy Budweiser here at Milford Beverage Warehouse, my cup runneth over. That’s why when The Bucket flares up with libelous statements and false charges, it makes me want to grab the Budweiser Clydesdales and run over anybody not nailed to a booth who’s in the middle of a Bucket Triple Decker.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for the Warehouse. And I’m here to set the record straight. Yes, at the City Council meeting, someone DID propose a User Fee for the horse. But that came from a regular patron, Marty Moon, not us. In fact, when we found out, we were livid. And it was for 75 cents, not the $1.00 that the absentee owner of The Bucket suggested. He’s dyslexic and apparently got the Consumer Price Index mixed up.

Either way, Marty should know better. Proposing a rate hike on a kiddie horsee just to keep The Beer Institute from lobbying against higher taxes on his prized Falls City just about beats all. Marty’s always been a headline-grabber but competing with The Beer Institute for good press in the Milford Enquirer just to eventually promote his show shows you can’t always have your Falls City Dark and drink it too.

Gosh, darn, we are ready to fight back against the dark side. We know our patronage is very educated and literate. After hiring Gallup Polls to run a survey, we found that 53% of our customers have at least a college degree and that 81% overall graduated from high school. Throw in the 37% that matriculated from Milford Vocational and Technical Institute, and by gum, you have an army that can read the warning label on the back of a Cutty Sark. Shoot, I’m personally proud of a man who has a Master’s in Refrigerator Technology and Logistics who can buy a Louis L’Amour at our magazine rack in the Daiquiri Aisle.

So Milford Book-of-the-Month Club has joined forces in its fight for a more enlightened citizenry by offering you a special deal. If you sign up for a membership in the Book Club between now and July 4th, the Warehouse will give you half off your next purchase of your favorite 12-pack.

Boy o boy, Michelob Ultra, was 23.99, now slashed to a dozen simoleons and the FedEx dude delivering James Fennimore Cooper? I’ll have plenty of ice in the cube tray.

And Miller High Life, at 19.99 a pop and  T.S. Eliot’s “The Love Songs of J. Alfred Prufrock” will most surely go together when I’m on the hammock after a long day at the links, shootin’ one too many Topflites in the lake.

Or if you’re a Bud Man, you can be like Harry and pretend to say “Cubs Win!!!!!! Cubs Win!!!!!!” while slurping on a Bud at a laughble $11.00. Shoot, that’s like having 6 free Buds with a “Lady Chatterly’s Lover” in your bosom. Harry would have been proud.

But these deals won’t do no good until you come on down and see for yourself. Bring your photo ID, your thirst, and your dictionary, in that order so you can do so readin’ and rockin’. C’mon, did you ever try to read “The Pickwick Papers” while trying to scoop some Bucket o’ Marinaded Shrimp down at The Bucket? Our Absentee Landowner not only can’t get his facts straight, he gets Bucket Lasagna all over the pages of “War and Peace.” And the stains don’t come out of the leather bookbinding.

And when you have that “How The West Was Won” and a Drury’s in the checkout lane, tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, it’s your turn. I’m hangin’ my  head over this plot. So what else is new?

 

At the International Date Line

“Commodore, we have an interesting case. Plenty of swordfish and “Oakwood Bites” in the trawler. Think we should call HQ?”

Older Posts »

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.