This Week in Milford

July 11, 2020

Do you feel like I do??

Filed under: general nonsense, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, lessons learned — robmize2013 @ 4:47 pm

Yes I’m posting almost a day late, but my main problem was I couldnt copy or find the strip anywhere for some reason. Now it works, so I’ll do a quick post.

So in the end as always, all is forgiven. Gil tells the dopes at State about the farce that was the head to head matchup of the century, which turned into a picnic. And THAT was what sealed the deal for the Mayor to get into this joint they call a college?? Sheesh.

Time for a song:\

June 4, 2020

Daddy Played First, Mama Played Second, Needed A Third Baseman To Join Right In There.

Filed under: big arms, Just plain sad, Pointy Fingers, Valley Modified — tdrewhardin @ 12:44 pm

060420bI would like to remember George Floyd and Breonna Taylor. For whatever charges were levied against them, they did have a right to expect the police to take the high road. Any public official who stoops to the level of its constituents deserves to be terminated. As Father Brown said once in the Father Brown Mysteries, equal law or equal lawlessness.

To the looters out there, shame on you. You are using controversy to promote your own ends in the name of Breonna and George. Now I can’t shop at the Walgreen’s down the street. YOU can’t either. Perhaps something you should think about when you take matters in your own hands.

 

Daddy played first

Mama played second

Needed a third baseman to join right in there

 

I remember when I was a ‘Lark

When I played good and things weren’t stark

That there’s a silver linin’ behind this plot

Just a Nutrament-chuggin’ teen

Tryin’ to grow strong with soy protein

Now I’m assemblin’ ragtag team at the weedy sandlot

 

Daddy played first

Mama played second

Needed a third baseman to join right in there

One of these days and it won’t be long

I’ll stick Dr. Pearl for all these wrongs

I’m gonna join that Mudlark team at The Throne

 

And the infield

Won’t be broken

By and by, Gil, by and by

Daddy played first

Mama played second

We got a third baseman

To join right in there

In the sky, Lord, in the sky

 

Hey, I have an idea. Let’s start our own team. Based on Ardis’ exploding eyeball, he seems to buy into the concept.

And why shouldn’t he? All you have to do is go to Milford Sporting Goods and order, say, 40 uniforms, 40 gloves (make sure some can fit those Valley Rejects that are left-handed) , 2 catcher’s mitts (in case Gil forgot to bring his and you need to loan one to your former teammates) , 15 bats at $100 a bat (I’m sure Valley Rejects have parents that can write a check and never miss it) , bag to PUT the bats in, 40 batting helmets, equipment bags, storage shed FOR the equipment bags (you just gonna leave them in The Mayor’s garage?) , 40 pairs of cleats and 40 pairs of non-steel cleats (in case some overly picky groundskeeper disallows steel cleats on his carpet) , 40 cups so that no Valley Reject loses his family jewels off of a Mudlark batter’s vicious line drive, and some mouth guards. Oh, that might be extra. You can always get those at Milford Apothecary since they are at a discount because they’re sold in bulk.

And then you got to find a field, A GOOD ONE, not those we used to play at that had 2 × 4’s with nails sticking out of them strewn all over the ground, get umpires lined up, get one of the Valley Rejects to hand them a pen to sign the contract, get a grounds crew to line the field, I’m sure Luhm will work cheap if he can slide it by the Teamsters Union.

The only thing left is the insurance. Surely one of the Valley Rejects has a dad who’s an agent. Or we can get Chet Ballard to work pro bono to make up for his horse’s ass performance many months ago.

Looks like we have all our ducks in a row. Piece of cake.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket Gets Looted To Protest Coach Thorp Not Getting Read His Rights On DUI Charges!!!!!!!!!!!! Millions Expected In Damages, According To Insurance Claims Agent Chet Ballard!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Owner: They left the banana split mixer alone, thank God. Did you ever try to handle the Sunday evening crowd when they leave the church services?”

 

And that is either a sweet potato that’s been greased in Crisco growing out of The Mayor’s hand, straight from an Idaho tuber farm or he is giving the thumbs up to this precarious venture. Personally, I would get on with my life and learn from the injustice flung at him (speaking from experience) but if he’s going to be beating the bushes of Valley Second Hand Shoppe, he really needs to get BASEBALL players. I thought Ardis Carhee played basketball. Not that he can’t play baseball but let’s not throw assumptions around the hallway like table knives. Just because Dr. Pearl looks like Granny Clampett doesn’t mean she suffers from rotted-out teeth nor eats possum gizzards simmered in chicken broth. No jumping to conclusions that she eats her Wheaties and chitlins straight out of the cereal bowl with no spoon. Not that it would surprise me but let’s give it the old college try before answering in the affirmative.

 

Heard at The Bucket last week

“This Bucket Crab Gizzard and Jowl Bacon Plate could use a little more salt.”

 

If ya go recruitin’ round the fact’ry fer some guys ta be on yore fishin’ team after the Game Warden disqualified yore teammates at the Mudlark Lake Fishing Tournament Shoot-out cuz they used thar rod ‘n’ reel ta git more beer outta somebody’s cooler, ya might be a redneck.

 

Now I remember after the game

Gil would cuss us out by name

And you could hear all of bitchin’ for a country mile

Phoebe and Alexa have done gone on

Muench’s car is repo’d and pawned

But I’m getting together a new team by the break of dawn

 

Daddy played first

Mama played second

Needed a third baseman to jump right in there

 

One of these games and it won’t be long

We’ll lace our cleats and be 9-man strong

I’m gonna join the Rejects at Home Plate in the Skyyyyyyyy

 

And team unity

Won’t be broken

By and by, Gil, by and by

Daddy played first

Mama played second

We got a third baseman to join us there in the sky, Lord, in the sky

 

And this recruiting campaign is getting off to a roaring start. Some guy whose waistline indicates he has not missed lunch when the Valley Alternative cafeteria unlocks its doors and displaying the railroad spikes he hocked off the Milford & Oakwood rail and hammered in his hair and Mr. Ponytail (assume for argument’s sake it isn’t Mrs. Ponytail) . Now several players have played Major League Baseball and have worn long hair. Randy Johnson and Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams come to mind.

But why do I have a strong suspicion that The Mayor is simply grabbing at bodies at Valley Consignment just to pontificate to his ex-teammates that he can field a team. I remember a friend of mine who was a part of the Vietnam era who pointed out that if you could crawl, you were drafted. That about seems the case here. That’ll help when you slide into second where Mama is ready to apply the tag.

Really, Mayor, don’t just get guys on your team just because they have two arms, two legs, and sport a significant other between their legs. That’s not fair to amputees or bisexuals. I’d be put out if I was a quadriplegic and I was not recruited to play catcher. Whoops, I’m sorry, Railroad Iron Head already has that position. Anybody who eats Twinkies for appetizers ought to be able to block the plate, no question.

And as long as you’re talking to Ginger Baker in P2, would you tell him that Jack Bruce called again? Says that Clapton wants to do a remake on “White Room”.

 

Ooooooooookkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn to the rescue once again to bring sanity to insanity. Take ‘er away, Gene.

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought The Mayor was recruiting her to ____________________.”

 

Is that inside the lampshade or is the lampshade turned inside out to get rid of all the lint?

Well, we have more on our plate than to prove that inverted lampshades in Schuring’s living room with sides that are congruent to the corresponding sides of the inverted lampshades in the den are congruent to each other. The Mayor is talking smack and the only thing missing from this Public Service Announcement/”Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” background music is the expected poster that’ll get nailed on every utility pole in Milford

 

This Saturday at the Milford Gardens

The Mayor of Second Chances

vs

Tom “The Gil-Slayer” Muench

Mudlark Cage Match

w/Texas Tornado Rules

One fall, no time limit, no DQ

Loser leaves Milford High School

7:30PM Bell Time

Tickets available at all Milford Apothecary outlets and Ticketmaster locations

Don’t miss it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

The Mayor might not need Railroad Iron Head for a tag partner even though the latter has a Dusty Rhoads “The American Dream” beer gut and might prove useful in the “Iowa Death Match” next month. We’ll see what happens.

 

And what in the name of railroad irons is that thing in that bunch of Chiquita bananas that Chris designates as his right hand? I ruled out abacus because I assume he has a calculator on the coffee table upon which lies the M.C. Escher lamp. It’s too small to be that mechanism that makes all those farm animal noises when you pull the string and I’m confident that if Chris is up to the challenge vis-a-vis The Mayor’s trash talk, that he is too old to be listening to “The cow goes MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”. It COULD be some kind of CD player albeit I really can’t imagine “Rewind” being across the panel and at a slight acute angle with “Pause”. Folks, I think we have a dead ringer for Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. Wait, it’s part of the Close ‘n’ Play apparatus he bought at Milford Toys ‘R’ Us. I’m not giving up on this one.

 

“And we’ll be back with the starting line-ups between the Milford Mudlarks and the Valley Alternative Recyclables after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG Radio, a division of Learfield Sports.”

 

“Golly, gee, that ought to be an exciting game between my boys and those troublemakers in “Ernest Goes to Camp”, I mean, Valley Alternative. That’s about the only good news around here.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp and when Milford Beverage Warehouse got looted because some cowards thought that the judge laid the hammer on yours truly with 100 hours of community service after being convicted of failing the sobriety test, it really turned my stomach. Raking the leaves at the Milford Elementary School front lawn isn’t such a stiff sentence. Shoot, I have plenty of fishing nets in my garage to get all the dead bugs out of Milford Public Swimming Pool before they dump a gallon of chlorine an hour before they open. The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary. And The Warehouse has been forced to close their doors because some morons didn’t register to vote.

But if you think The Warehouse is going to take their boarded-up doors and like it, guess again. They will re-open on July 1st with some door-busters and I don’t mean the ones that are against the law. How about some Heineken? Shoot, I’d go to jail for this deal, $14.49 in the 12oz. 12-Pack but I ain’t going to leave another party with Evan Williams Bourbon on my breath and risk getting pulled over again from that speed trap in the Milford Lounge parking lot.  You’ll just have to take my word for it.

And how about some Maker’s Mark Whiskey? By some miracle, that and the Oreos didn’t get damaged. The Warehouse wants to express their praises to God with an eye-opening $22.99 in the 750ml bottle. And if they run out of Oreos, if the Chips Ahoy! isn’t too badly damaged, I can always dip that in my whiskey glass.

And if you buy a 30-Pack of Busch Light at the ridiculous $19.99, The Warehouse will give you a voucher for a discount at Renewal by Andersen to replace your broken window. I don’t know why morons would loot a guy’s living room and raid the Popular Mechanics magazine rack but buy the booze first and ask questions later. Isn’t it nice that you can once again look out your window and sip The Good Life all in the same day. Watching the birdies in the birdbath in our backyard with a Busch just brings a tear a tear to my eye.

Get your affairs in order and prepare for the Grand Reopening of Milford Beverage Warehouse. And the 1st 50 people waiting in line will get a free canister of Pringle’s Regular or Sour Cream. The thugs didn’t touch those either although they had a Hell of a time ransacking the Milford Vending Soft Pretzels bags. The Warehouse will take a loss selling the rest.

Come in and get a new lease on life and a new window and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Gang, you’re still the one. I don’t have to recruit you to make a successful blog. You make it successful all by yourself. God bless you.

 

At the Milford Outdoor Amphitheater Free Summer Concert Series shindig one breezy night

“…Gil sang bass

Mimi sang tenor

Keri and Jaime would join right in there…”

 

At a scrimmage at Milford Sports Complex

“So they’ll let me keep my seeing-eye dog as long as he’s in the dugout?”

“I still need to talk to the crew chief but I don’t think the umpires will say anything.”

June 2, 2020

“We’ll Meet You This Friday, 7:30PM, Here At Howard Johnson’s Inn.”

060420

Instead of tying loose ends, which is what Thorpiverse SHOULD be doing, we’re extracting a couple more storylines out of the grab bag, at the expense of some plots or mimi-plots that never really flew out of Milford Regional Airport. What are we going to talk about, what activities could we be humanly engaging in, now that summer is here?

The love story that never was and will likely stay that way between Phoebe and The Mayor was NOT because he drank too much Nutrament Vanilla Shakes at the tavern; nope, Thorpiverse sent Miss Grundy to rummage through his gym bag after Mr. Grundy cried foul and a kitchen utensil you use to spread Skippy on Roman Meal killed “A Little Romance.” We’ll never see him and Phoebe kiss under the Milford Canal Bridge just as the 3rd shift whistle goes off at Milford Foundry. Way to be a wet blanket, Mr. Grundy.

And what happened to Gonzo? Heck, that would have made a great Jets vs. Sharks confrontation. Us Hispanics always have to bail you out in the ninth when your pitcher gets a rubber arm. Oh, yeah? Well, if you’d quit batting with a Swiffer Mop when you’re swinging for the fences, you might up your average. Then there’s the song, sung by The Mayor naturally

Mimi

I just met a girl named Mimi

And now I know that name

Will never be the same

Again

 

And The Mayor could get whacked by the Sharks with a Hillerich & Bradsby Special and Mimi threaten both the Jets AND the Sharks after The Mayor loses his mind and the team goes on to win the Playdowns in remembrance of The Mayor who gave his Ultra Slim Fast for the team. Of course, he already DID lose his mind after slurping Ultra Slim Fast at his Communion, but we can sort it out while Gil’s at the links. Just alternate between the Mudlarks singing “We’re Gonna Get ’em Tonight” and Gil saving par. Just about wraps up the summer, doncha think?

But nooooooooo, we gotta endure a couple of wayward ideas that will probably REMAIN wayward. So as long as we’re going to drag athletes into this, I might as well throw in a couple of my own.

Richard Pryor had a hilarious take on Jim Brown, the standout running back for the Cleveland Browns in the ’60’s and respectable actor after his playing days were over. Pryor would say that Brown could be mean as snakes, which was understandable, given Brown’s competitiveness and focus. His statistics backed him up.

And Pryor continued “Man, it used to be a death wish. There ain’t no building around here in Milford to jump off of. and Gil went golfing. Let’s go over to Jim Brown’s house and fuck with him a while.”

So if Valley Alternative, as long as we’re recruiting, ever fields a football team, they can go over to Jim Brown’s house and ask politely. I’m sure he’ll oblige if they say “Please”.

Gil rings Jim Brown’s doorbell one day

Jim Brown opens the door

“Yeah, Jimmie, Big Man, hey, I don’t mean to intrude, I’m sure you’re studying game film in the den (get a hold of yourself, Thorp) , well, what I mean to say is, ol’ Buddy, ol’ Pal, you see, Dr. Pearl got caught behind on her District Board State Income Tax W-2 Report-1978 and can’t make it to the Midnight Bowling League Match tonight and seeing, well, you have such strong hands and hate to roll gutter balls as if you were getting stuffed on the 1-yard line, and we know you like the ball a lot, so we wanted to know if you’d be interested in filling out our 4-member team. We call ourselves Thorp’s Troops. Catchy, isn’t it? Whattya say?” as Gil braces for the worst.

“Sure. What time do you need me there?”

“11:35PM. We need to get the roster turned in and ready to go before First Roll at 12:01AM”

“I’ll be there.”

Gil breathes a sigh of relief

“Thanks, Jimmie. I always thought you were a terror when you were with the Steelers.”

 

 

I was intrigued when I saw on a documentary on Abraham Lincoln and the fact that he and Mary Todd Lincoln slept in separate beds. How’d they get Robert Todd, Edward, Willie, or Tad? Oh well

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. And Alexa Caught In Serious Dispute Over Future Wedding Plans!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“There ain’t no way I’m taking a double room, I don’t care how much of a discount I get at Milford Motel 6.”

 

And as long as we’re going to endow Valley Alternative with a smorgasbord, shoot, I have a whole list of athletes that would fit right in to the school.

How about Dennis Rodman? He got shipped to VA (not the Milford VA Hospital, bear in mind) because he wore his purple (orange/green/magenta////…) hair one too many times in Andy Rooney’s class. Rooney and Dr. Paper Pusher found Krylon in his desk and considered it a weapon. You could take somebody’s eye out with that thing if you’re not pointing the spray tip towards the wall or your hair.

Then there’s Magic Johnson. He wound up with his indiscriminate sex life catching up with him (Arther Ashe, BTW, chided Johnson because he felt that Johnson gave blacks a bad name because Johnson didn’t keep it in his pocket) . Perfect candidate for VA. Yeah, those adventures with Mimi while Gil was out of town non-coaching his team in a Holiday Tournament landed him right in Dr. Paper Pusher’s dog house and it was all over but the paperwork. Starting point guard for VA this coming winter, fer sure.

And the following scene, courtesy of Mr. Pryor

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oakwood, that’s going to cost you 10 yards cuz I already lost one eye and I ain’t playin’.”

In the Valley Alternaive huddle

“Roh, give me the ball.”

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Next time, I’ll be rippin’ out the other cheek from your butt.”

In the Valley Huddle on 1st and goal

“Roh, give me the ball.”

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! SQUEEEGIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

“I ripped Gil’s hair out that time, Oakwood, I don’t care how much VO5 he put on it. I’ll eat my own if I have to.”

In the huddle for the PAT

“Roh, give me the ball.”

But that’s football and we’ll let Nasty Brown and Charlie Roh work out their differences on running back duties, not to mention let you fill in the blank on the final score. Good thing Chet Ballard didn’t fuck with Jim Brown and check his background. That WOULD be like jumping off the Milford School Corporation Annex building.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Marty Moon To Appear In Milford Small Claims Court Over Dispute With Mudlark Lakes Resort!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“If I’d known that waiving the fee meant that Peaches and I had to sleep in separate bunks, I would have packed my chastity belt in my suitcase.”

 

And we can’t leave this puzzle wrapped in an enigma at The Bucket and just relive old times and wish no hard feelings and get the Hell on to Gil’s golf game, already in progress. Nope, we gotta drag this plot that won’t die into another plot that just started and won’t die but might take until the end of July for it not to die. We have to line up the court time so that it doesn’t conflict with Milford Flea Market Open Market held every 3rd Saturday in the month after the 2nd Tuesday, make sure Luhm waxed and buffered the damn court before the Clash of the Titans with the ex-Titans, sign the contracts with the officials and, by God, they better honor their contract. Games with haves and have-nots still count in the record book. I tell you one thing, Gil would make the zebras live up to their end of the bargain if he weren’t trying to dig one out of the sand trap.

“YEAH!!!!!!!!!! We got Havlicek on our side. And Henry “Hank” Finkel in the middle!!!!!!!!!! He had Carhee running wind sprints in practice at the pace of a cheetah, he was so intimidated.

If ya kiss and make up and exchange deer tags and still bet ya can drink more Stroh’s at the Milford Stop ‘n’ Sludge Bar in a friendly competition and the winner gets a free hose job in his abdomen, courtesy Milford General, ya might be a redneck.

“…and that’s the 10th batter plunked by the New Thayer pitching staff. I’ve seen Coach Thorp do a lot of non-coaching but this is ridiculous. Won’t anybody take charge????”

A few minutes later on the mound with New Thayer at bat

“Gonzo, give me the ball.”

Oops, sorry, I forgot Jim Brown is with Valley Alternative. Oh well, just pretend. Who’s gonna notice? Certainly not Gil.

And we’re rounding out the lineup in P3. Bill Laimbeer has been sent to the school because of his bad boy image and should be cleared for the starting lineup this Friday. Hank Finkel was sent to VA for being the 12th man on his high school reserve team and still making an NBA roster. Should be cleared to sit on the bench this Friday. He and Gil have a lot in common. Well, Gil doesn’t have a mustache and isn’t 7 feet tall. Finally, Johnny “Red” Kerr was sent to the school because he wore the nastiest looking gym shorts at an NBA Old-Timers All-Star Game and had the nerve to have a broadcasting career for the Bulls (gotcha, again, Robmize!!!!! Hey, it wasn’t the Cubs this time (ha ha)) . The game should go without a hitch.

 

At Milford High School Gym one Saturday morning

“Give me the ball.”

“This is a wrestling invitational, Mr. Brown.”

“Sorry. My bad.”

 

“And we’ll be back to see if Red Kerr is able to play after his jock strap came up missing and he’s forced to rummage through the lost and found hamper in the locker for a spare after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

At the Thorp household one evening

“Mommy, why is Daddy shaking the bed in the billiard room?”

“What????? How long has this been happening?”

“We were watching Archie TV Funnies when we thought it was an earthquake. Me and Jaime covered our heads like you always told us. When the sky wasn’t falling, we didn’t know what to do.”

Mimi walks toward billiard room where Gil is playing “Vehicle” by the Ides of March and using the spare mattress on the springs to pretend to have the time of his life.

“Mommy, is Daddy dirty dancing?”

“No, dear, don’t be silly. Gil, what are you doing?”

“Oh, hey, now I know what Honest Abe went through when he slept in separate beds. It must have been too much for The Railsplitter to deny what a man’s got to do to Mary Todd. He couldn’t count sheep or think about how he would do when he ran against Stephen Douglas. He had to jumo on the other bed and go to town. I heard the whole town of Springfield used to hear Mary Todd’s screams of ecstasy.  I understand that’s how he got Tad and Willie. I’m just recreating the event.”

“Mommy, did Abe Lincoln really get Tad from humping a feather bed?”

“No, Honey, of course not. Your daddy needs to learn that he doesn’t need to read history books to have some fun.”

“And Mimi, there was the time that he went to bed with that hooker. It was in the SAME BED!!!!!!!!! Some historians say it was a myth but so was George Washington chopping down the cherry tree. But George didn’t get any kids from not telling a lie. At least Lincoln had a head start with a myth when he married Mary Todd.”

“Gil, YOU can get a head start and you don’t have to go to Johnny Appleseed for this kind of stimulation. I have FedExed several cases of EREC-3500 laxatives so you can get movement in both directions. You can make your own history and we can sleep in the same bed.”

“I won’t have to use a Pinkerton to guard the house while I’m pretending to have fun with Mary Todd?”

“Mommy, do Pinkertons get erect too?”

“When my children were slightly confused about the birds and the bees, it was time to face my problem straight in the eye. With treatment programs that work, the Milford Men’s Clinic promises you will share the same bed at the Milford Marriott or they will cheerfully refund your money. And you can keep David Herbert Donald’s book on the dresser while you’re goin’ to town. Sounds like Era of Good Feeling to me. Come get down, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.

 

Thank you for your support, Gang. Still think they ought to start Red Kerr. He can’t help it if all jock straps smell like halitosis and VO5. Anyway, God bless you, Gang.

 

“Give me the ball, Coach.”

“Still gotta get it out of the water. Kaz, hand me my 9-iron.”

 

Recreating Richard Pryor, one night at Milford Lounge

“Gentlemen, I believe the coach can better express himself if you let him go.”

Gil being restrained by 12 men

“Any of you buttholes release me and I’ll cream yo’ ass later. Now just ease my ass out the door and leave Mr. Brown in peace. We might need him for the football plot.”

May 14, 2020

Kids Flash Guitars Just Like #2 Pencils.

051420

Gang, you’re gonna hate me but I had to insert another Springsteen dig, given the situation. Really, if that dude in P1 is threatening me with a welder’s pencil the way he would advertise Ban Roll-On Unscented or the present writing weapon on the screen, ain’t no way I’m not giving him all my lunch money. Just leave some change so I can purchase a Ho Ho. Energy food for afternoon Physics Lab.

Teenchy brought up yesterday breaking the Fourth Estate. If that Che Guevara wannabe isn’t looking through me as if I wasn’t there, he must be targeting some CIA agent out of the movie Topaz. Hitchcock comes to Milford, what a treat. Does Gil play one of the spies from the Commie side lying his way out of a paper bag? Par for the course. But do that for the OTHER side, Thorp, not while you’re flashing that MTV logo on your shirt like switchblades. And to think, The Mayor could get exonerated if that CIA agent can get on Cuban Airlines and wind up at Milford International with those photos he took of Bahia de los Cochinos or Bay of Pigs, if you need it translated in Gilspeak.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Scares Off Burglar At His Condo With His Guitar He Received At Easter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“That punk took one look at my Barney Kessel Signature Gibson Special and he ran off towards the woods.”

 

Uh oh, looks like Thorpiverse is fomenting a rebellion in the hallways of Milford High School. Anytime you have Jiffy Pop Head’s brother and the ’70’s Burger King kid blindly devoted to a kid who threatens anybody who dares cross his path to the foreign language lab and brandishes the Papermate to show that he means business, you know La Revolucion del Mundo is just a Dr. Pearl perm away from going full bore. Can’t wait for the sequel.

 

If ya use a Flair Highlighter Yella ta poke out an 8-point’s eyeball during bow season, then use the same implement ta wipe yore butt in the gulley so that ya keep it proper, ya might be a redneck.

 

You old-timers can relate. It was that kid who said everything twice to apparently drive home the point that Whoppers were better than Big Mac’s. So the kid would say

“Double the meat

Double the meat”

 

“Great to eat

Great to eat”

 

“Zebras do better in bed than Gil

Zebras do better in bed than Gil”

 

As Bugs Bunny used to say, this means war. Boy o boy, The 4-Eyed Doppelganger Kid,  a kid whose related to Orville Redenbacher through his hairline, Elmer Fudd (gotta have the shotgun to hunt wabbits, Dr. Pearl, and the District Board, the latter two a little more difficult to hunt because neither live in wabbit holes) , Yosemite Sam, Foghorn Leghorn, the Jets and the Sharks (“We’re gonna get her toniiiiiggghhhhhhtttttt”) , Sylvester and Tweety Bird and The Man Who Loved Pencil Dancing all engaged, ready for war. As Patton said once “God,  I love a battle”.

 

“But you play a shitty schedule

But you play a shitty schedule”

 

“Gil, how long are you going to be involved with Milford Big Brothers Program?”

 

And one more thing. Is that a map of Antarctica in the background? Boy, this strip is full of imagination in terms of background material. Nothing is more comforting than to watch General George Patton and General Omar Bradley map out strategy on how to overtake Messina when you already have Antarctica in the bag.

 

So let’s revamp Patton’s pep talk at the beginning of the movie and see if we can get a little inspiration

“…and another thing, if we’re going to attack the enemy, I don’t want any asshole dying for his or her high school. Let that ignorant whore and her District Board die for their own high school. We are Mudlarks and we will engage in battle, ready to kill. We will not be like Gil who sided with the Germans and started their own high school because he wouldn’t do any coaching. Personally, I’d piss on his shuffleboard in the gym because he was involved in a tournament with the Third Reich. Let me tell you, I never admired a Mudlark who lost and laughed. Gil can do that at the Dart Round Robin in Munich with those Austrian Fascists at some tavern around Oktoberfest. We are Americans. We are Mudlarks. Anything else and you can have your curlers done and sit with Dr. Pearl while that Commie bastard turns on her country and has her nails done. We will give the Germans and the District Board a lesson they will never forget. Their flag will burn for all eternity and Gil will coach in Milford Optimist League where his mental stature is better suited. That is all.”

 

And the conflict is beginning to heat up. Marcia, Jan, and Cindy have gotten in on the act and anything involving The Brady Bunch and you better have the right stuff. I don’t really know how they’re going to organize the walkout but when they threatened that stuff on the show, we never saw it either. We just assumed Marcia was telling the truth when she said that Dr. Pearl backed down after Marcia called her a miserable flippant bitch and would have to face Hadley V. if Dr. Pearl continued her pursuit on the matter. I always loved it when Greg Brady was playing, say, baseball and they would show a few scenes then later Greg and family would enter the kitchen and talk about his game like it was the Yankees winning it all in ’56. So when you see a few esoteric scenes of Hadley V. and the District Board throwing grenades at each other, just let your mind run wild when Jan, Marcia, Cindy speaking of the affair like it was The Battle of the Bulge. Sure, Jan, Eisenhower sent his whole damn ETO operation into the District Board meeting to reinstate The Mayor. There were tanks all around the building. The Germans and Dr. Pearl never stood a chance. Oh, and you kissed Ike on the head on V-Day, Marcia. Darn, it’s a crying shame The Brady Bunch was only a half hour long. I would have loved for you to expand on this love shack.

And how do you organize a protest like this? If Jan, Marcia, and Cindy sit on the railroad tracks of the Milford & Oakwood Express, I’d say we’re carrying the issue a bit to the extreme. Block the way to the barber shop where Gil cuts his hair? Well, it’s for a good cause anyway.

 

At the Milford High School cafeteria at 6:15AM

 

“Cafeteria’s closed. Don’t let anyone in after 6:00AM. We’ll have them fighting like students. Dr. Pearl won’t know what hit her.”

“Yes sir.”

“Oh, and by the way, helmets are mandatory from now on.”

“We don’t wear helmets, General.”

“Start.”

“It’s hard to wear over our hair nets.”

“Then cut two holes and use hair sanitizer. C’mon, Bradley, let’s see what those ignorant German bastards did in the art department.”

 

“He used Kingsford Charcoal on his face and lit a match

He used Kingsford Charcoal on his face and lit a match”

“Now, Son, be nice. That’s not how we treat our guest. Offer him some Zippo Lighter Fluid and open the conversation.”

 

Will somebody in the Milford High School Art class quit drawing disgusted students with the system displaying disfigured faces? Yes, we know The Mayor is pretty friggin’ disillusioned with the system right now but it isn’t necessary to draw the dude straight out of Mask. Does this mean the more injustice that gets heaped on him, the uglier he gets? If this District Policy is allowed to drag along, we could have his face in Towering Inferno mode with his jaw several feet below Death Valley. A frown and a few surly comments will drive home the message.

And I love it that Mrs. Krappy mentioned the lawyer is a “she”. Uh oh. Hadley V. could be coming back now that JaQuan is on hiatus. Well, sure, Hadley V. calling Dr. Pearl Granny Clampett who soaks her dentures in chicken gizzards is better than Hadley V. with her spectacles up her butt with nothing to do. God, I’d hate to replace a draggy plotline with another of equal caliber but this Rent-a-Lawyer-for-Random-Plot may prove tiresome. I don’t want nobody pulling the switch on The Mayor when he’s in the chair either but Thorpiverse’s imagination appears to be confined to Baxendale’s air-conditioned office. Oh, I forgot, air-conditioning isn’t District Policy. We have a plot. Problem solved.

 

“…get these players out on the field. We won’t have the City of Milford subsidizing yellow-bellied cowards and-Soldier, what’s your problem?”

“Nerves, sir. I just can’t take it anymore. When I see The Mayor in a world of hurt, I just lose it…”

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU’RE GOING TO WUSS OUT IN FRONT OF THE DISTRICT BOARD AT THIS MOST CRITICAL TIME???? I OUGHTA SEND YOU TO THE FIRING LINE AND HAVE ROMMEL SHOOT YOUR YELLOW-BELLIED ASS!!!!!!!!!!!! GENERAL BRADLEY, WHAT’S THIS SOLDIER’S NAME????

“Private First Class Gilberto Thorp, George.”

 

“And we’ll be back for the exciting conclusion of Patton where Gil jumps over to General Montgomery’s command after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

“Honnnnnnneeyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyy. It’s time to come to beddyyyyyyyyy-bbbyyyyyy.”

Coach Shaw playing “Todd Rundgren’s Utopia” while the den is dead-bolted

“I can’t, Honey. The Mayor of Milford has issued a limited-contact order and to be wearing a mask at all times to practice social distance during the COVID-19 pandemic.”

“Lovey-Dovey, you just got a clean bill of health from the doctor this week.”

“Bloopy-doopy-doo, I won’t screw, you can never be too careful. My whim whim has a mask around it to ward off against the virus. One cell in my pecker and I’ll be down with The Plague.”

“Honeyyyyyyyyy, open the door, use a switchblade on your peenie covering and come on down and do what ya gotta do. You won’t get sick from being a man.”

“Sugar, Sugar, ahhh, Honey, Honey, the angel of the Lord just declared my pecker wasn’t worth a thing, the galaxy is null and void and so is sex.”

“Lovey-Dovey, that’s not ‘Utopia’, that’s Rundgren’s ‘Hermit of Mink Hollow’. And you’re going to be a hermit if you don’t pry open this deadbolt and get it on in the morning.”

 

When she knew Todd Rundgren’s discography better than me, it was time to take a chance that I wasn’t going to get hit with Venereal Disaese or COVID-19 and come down to Milford Men’s Clinic. With proven treatment programs and proper medications, the Clinic won’t leave you sore. Isn’t it time you said ‘Hello, It’s Me’ to your wife and really mean it? Come down to Milford Men’s Clinic and ‘See the Light.'”

 

Thanks for all you do, Gang. Now if you’ll clean that ash tray that contains part of The Mayor’s face, we’ll call it even.

 

In Dr. Pearl’s office one day talking to General Patton after she just filed away The Allies Attack On Napoli Report-1944

“George, I see you have a copy of the Milford High School Student Manual-1995.”

“That’s right. I was Gil Thorp in another life and we beat Hannibal at the Rubicon and Oakwood at the gym. But I reincarnated and became a real leader.”

“Do you read the manual often?”

“Every goddam day.”

 

 

“Thank God this plot has ended

Thank God this plot has ended”

 

“Jaime, eat your Bucket Burger. There are starving kids in China that would love to go through the drive-thru.”

March 30, 2020

Will The Mayor Be Ready??

Filed under: ?, general nonsense, Just plain sad — nedryerson @ 5:35 am

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A bright, brisk Spring morning sees Tom Muench pick up Mark Godleski. So this is the beginning of the new plot. Tom Muench was name checked a few times in the just ended crapshow that was the Schuring/Watson, um, show of crap. Godleski is probably new. I don’t think I remember his name. Billy?

I have two questions so far. What is going on with Muench’s car? Does he go mudding in his four door sedan? Maybe he lives on a dirt road. I guess this is Spring in Milford. Dirty, melting snow on the roads could be involved. Does Muench’s ride have undercoating?

The second question concerns “The Mayor”. I assume it’s a nickname, like Ossie Davis’ character in Do The Right Thing. (Technically he was “Da Mayor“.)  Anybody nicknamed The Mayor in this context has the inside track as standout self-aggrandizing character for this season’s plot.

March 24, 2020

“If You’ll Throw In The Shadow People Singing ‘Pomp And Circumstance’ A Cappella, You Got A Deal”

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In the halls and in the gym

Everywhere

Cafeteria and rooms so dim

God, I swear

Always grace the scene on a whim

The silhouettes, I declare

 

They sit and stare

They

Sit

And

Stare

 

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Come to bear

 

We should have known better than to assume that Thorpiverse was going to wrap this up any time soon. Like, what was Mrs. Brown Haired Counselor going to do, shoot Alexa cold dead with a Magnum and award Valedictorian to Chris by default? Gotta hand it to Thorpiverse. Cut that Gordian Knot and get baseball started sometime this week. Wouldn’t put it past Thorpiverse, but no, odds are this’ll get dragged out to The Bitter End. Being a Husker Du fan, they had a CD called The Living End. Both concepts have one song in common. It’s Not Funny Anymore. Put the gun away, ma’am, and let us continue to our exercise in boredom.

You would assume that Gil is getting the field ready for baseball, ditto Mimi in softball. I’d hate to know Gil is under the desk eavesdropping and making sure things are kosher. Wouldn’t want another Teddy incident. If you want to report to Dr. File Cabinet Instead of a Grandfather Clock in her Living Room Pearl that there is no need to flunk out and suspend an honor student for academic dirty pool, you gotta lay low behind the hydrangea plant and ensure academia is on the level. No more hot SAT booklets sold over the border for drugs and cash. Milford High School has an image to protect.

And once this scenario FINALLY lays to rest, there’ll be Gil at the ball park with his Milford jacket and cap on. Like he’s been sitting in the dugout for days, waiting for the cameras to roll. Then he’ll recite all the players he has coming back. Thank God this strip is alloted 3 panels. We’d be subjected to a listing of the players strengths and weakness, plus who can line the field when he isn’t pitching on a piece of paper he obtained from a Snickers wrapper that was in the trash can that Luhm failed to dump thoroughly. Mimi does the same thing but she usually buys steno pads to bore us to tears.

We still have to get through Chris and Alexa and based upon the streak that seems to be an omen, baseball or softball won’t start tomorrow. They still have to discuss why that streak always shows up whenever there’s controversy in academics. Never in athletics. When did you EVER see that streak on the gridiron or the basketball court or the badminton arena? 10-team Mudlark Wrestling All-Comers Classic? Nope, the streak won’t appear on the mat.

So we patiently wait for Chris or Alexa to pull the Windex out of his or her pocket while poring over the small stuff relating to academics. All in good time. I hope Gil’s cap doesn’t get wet. You know about this fickle weather in March. Hell on a guy sleeping in the dugout.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Chris Pops The Question In High School Cafeteria!!!!!!!! Sketches Proposal With Bowie Knife On Picnic Table!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J. : ‘This ceremony is happening over my dead body.”

 

“Really, I suggested killing the plot a month ago. Nobody told you?”

 

They dress like The Blob or Siamese Twins

Black as gold

Threaten to eat all and next of kin

They’re so bold

Mimi and Gil better take a spin

Silhouettes never grow old

 

That’s what I’m told

That’s

What

I’m

Told

 

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Never grow old

 

Oh great. We COULD be stumbling into baseball or softball, depending which one drones on the best for, oh, 4 months, but NOOOOOOO we have to get sidetracked by The Lake House. Yeah, like Keanu Reeves, we’re about 2 years behind on things. Chris ought to be getting the grade he received on his Advanced Chem final from Harvard any day. And Alexa will get the MVP Award after leading UConn to the National Championship in Women’s Basketball. The trophy ought to be delivered to her house by Milford UPS right on schedule. I understand Coach Auriemma mailed her a letter begging her to stay another year. Good forwards are hard to come by. And to think, all this backward history can be traced (pardon the ignoble pun) to Mimi teaching her that grades are like points, nobody’s going to give you free cars or $100 handshakes if neither one is very high. And that’s assuming you’ll even get a scholarship.

 

“…this is the way it should be for lovers

They shouldn’t go it alone, oh no…”

Then with Chris delivering about the lamest confession in quite some time, going by Thorpiverse years, is that Paul McCartney’s “This Never Happened Before” playing over the cafeteria speakers? I’ll know for sure when I see two or more cafeteria ladies start to slow-dance with each other and get all kissy-faced. The Lake House had that effect. We presume this is NOT going to happen between Chris and Alexa. Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock are simply going to negotiate co-Valedictorian terms and leave The Lake House for Marty and Peaches. They put their deposit in 2 years ago, Chris and Alexa better wrap this up.

“Ohhhh, Melba (kiss, kiss) I’m so sorry for saying you stack the Hostess Twinkies on the rack (kiss, kiss) like dirty Holiday Inn towels…”

“And Rayette, I’m sorry (kiss, kiss) if I told you you cook the pork fritters (kiss, kiss) in a bowl of Pennzoil…”

THIS NEVER HAPPENED BEFFFFOOOOORRRREEEE

 

If yore waitin’ for yore high-powered Winschester with sights that could knock a bobby pin offa Gil’s hair that ya ordered 2 years ago frum Milford Guns and Ammo cuz they didn’t have it in stock and yore still waitin’ another 6 months for the plot and the bullets to come ’round so yuz kin do some huntin’ in tha woods behind Gil’s Pure Pork Sausage plant, ya might be a redneck.

 

“…and now I seeeee

This is the way it’s supposed to be…”

 

“Whhheeewwweeee, it’s getting cold. This aluminum bench is Hell to sleep on. Better get another jacket out of the trunk. I hope Mimi stuck that leftover On-Cor Boneless Grilled Steaks in the oven when I come home tomorrow morning. War is Hell.”

 

“…so come to me

Now we can be what we want to be…”

This Paul McCartney Romantic Moment is brought to you the new movie “Bill Nye The Science Guy: Teaching The Periodic Table in Milford High Freshman Chemistry.” What could have been a magical moment and had been the second coming of Keanu and Sandra and thereby salvaged a lackluster basketball season plunged in the salvage itself.

We are forced to whip out our calculators and watch romance morph into a trig table. Not that I, or anyone else for that matter, was really expecting Chris and Alexa to kissy-face like the cafeteria ladies, er, Keanu and Sandra. If it WERE to occur, Keanu and Sandra would have to detour to MIT.

“And if you use standard deviation, you’ll find my love for you isn’t wavering all that much. It was never in Ms. Rizk’s typewriter having no life…”

“Oh, Keanu, the fact that we are just points from each other, well, like Springsteen

“Two hearts are better than one

Two hearts, girl, get the job done”

“Atta way to use the FOIL method on our relationship, Sandra. We’ll be trinomials by the time baseball gets around. We’ll have little polynomials running around The Lake House”

“The stork ought to be delivering our polynomials anytime. Remember that time when we learning natural logs together two years ago?”

 

The scriptwriter for The Lake House that graduated from Rose-Hulman got fired. He’s now writing Trigonometry Today textbooks for the Valley Conference High Schools.

 

Lumped like coal and having no name

Anonymous

Walking in stride, the gait’s the same

Synchronous

Makes a tarantula look tame

In the woods, they’d be wild game

Seeking to maim

 

Seeking

To

Maim

 

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

They all look the same

 

ALL

LOOK

THE

SAME

 

And under the category of Pantheon of Mysterious Objects, that thing on the wall in the cafeteria in P3 can simply be nothing other than a heating unit. We gotta keep The Blob alive somehow. Keep that damn thing under a heat lamp if you want it to terrorize the city of Milford when the dismissal bell rings. DON’T leave it out in the dugout with Gil waiting for the baseball plot to start. The Blob could turn into The Flop by the time we get to Memorial Day.

 

Today’s Women’s History Month entry is Karen Ferguson-Dayes, the Women’s Soccer Coach for University of Louisville. She was a multiple All-All-American for University of Connecticut back in the early ’90’s as a sweeper and a midfielder. She eventually wound up in the current position just mentioned. Her no-nonsense style has enabled the Cardinals to participate in several NCAA post-season runs, and some deep runs at that. I remember when a reporter asked how she was going to prepare for a major opponent and she, knowing there was ANOTHER opponent to play before that, reminded the reporter “Excuse me, we play THIS team FIRST!!!!!!” Don’t overlook ANY opponent. Spoken like a true coach. Then, one night, playing a team that was employing dirty tactics, she still insisted that her team still stick with the Game Plan. How you play the game, win, lose, or draw. Starting out 1-18, her 182-162 record at Louisville speaks for itself. Join me in saluting a person who keeps competing and has won that way, on and off the field.

 

“We’ll be back to see if Marty Moon if finds his manhood under the bunk bed at Mudlark Lake Resort while Peaches heads to the fridge for a Yoplait after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

 

At The Lake House

“…I met you and now I see

This is the way it should be…”

 

“Ohhhhhh, that is so romantic. The Beatles sure know how to get a girl going. They don’t make ’em like they used to.”

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Go away, Mrs. Shaw!!!!!!!!!!”

“But Honey, weren’t we going for a midnight swim? I’m kinda horny and I’d LOVE for you to do a cannonball on meeeeeee!!!!!!!”

“I called Keanu Reeves and he said there’s still sharks swimming around when he was rentin’ it. I ain’t gonna have my Significant Other bitten off by Jaws.”

“Darling, it’s a freshwater lake.”

“Bloopie, bloopie, it’s got all kind of algae in it. That causes my Significant Other to attract scum. I don’t want to go skinny-dipping with a green weenie. What would the neighbors think? Plus, it breeds that Coronavirus they’re talking about in the news. The boogeyman or the Algae from Hell won’t come in here. I got the bathroom dead-bolted.”

Heard somewhere from the septic tank outside

“…So jump on me

This is the way love’s supposed to be…”

“Honey, you can’t quarantine yourself just because pond scum breeds a little out of control. You can jump on me out in the middle of the lake. We’ll have life preservers and you can jump off the raft and take on me.”

“No way, Mrs. Shaw!!!!!!!! I microwaved my toothbrush and made sure I spit out thoroughly when I spit out my Colgate. That Coronavirus will go down the drain faster than stink beating the virus on shit.”

“How are you going to eat?”

“I bought a lot of Rice-a-Roni and stuck it under the bathroom sink. I can use the sink to boil water. I’ll have the 4-Cheese Rice-a-Roni tonight. No Coronavirus will get past these doors and land on my bill of fare.”

“If you can’t land on me because Coronavirus has landed on your Significant Other, let me know.”

 

“She had me there. And we were paying good money to rent out The Lake House and not doing any more than Captain Kangaroo would do with Mr. Moose. With treatment programs that work, don’t YOU want to hear Paul McCartney in the background while gettin’ it on in the lake? No wonder why they call it The Lake House. House of Fun to me. Come down to the Milford Men’s Clinic and jump on in, the water’s fine.”

 

Get after it, Gang. You are the world to me. Just be careful, The Blob was last seen in your neck of the woods.

 

“…this is the way it should be for lovers

They shouldn’t go it alone, oh no…”

 

Gil entering Dr. Pearl’s office

 

“I just received Schuring’s 4th-grade test scores and there was no indication of foul play, he’s good for Stanford and-er, what are you doing hugging your coat rack?”

 

“…It’s not so good when you’re on your own

(Kissy, Kissy, Kissy)

So come to me…”

 

“And Harrieta, I’m sorry if I said you mop with Pine-Sol and Tequila Sunrise.”

 

March 19, 2020

A Good Samaritan Gone Bad.

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WHAT???? We went through all through this investigation and even by-passed Alexa’s development as a scoring machine down low and Chris’ development in just any category, you name it, only to find out that Teddy Blue planted a whoopee cushion to this plot because Dagwood walked on the other side of the street when Elmo got wedgied by Wee Pals and headed onto Midnight Handicap Bowling Night at Milford Lanes? Say it ain’t so.

Lesson Number One in how never to conduct a treasure hunt. We went to the Milford Public Library and went to the microfiche of all the National Geographic’s (“Milford at a Crossroads: Perspectives and Possibilities”) and the Special Collections to skip over the newspaper articles that showed pictures of Gil actually coaching (Ansel Adams shot it and put it in a scrapbook next to his pictures of Yosemite Valley) then went through Dr. Pearl’s office to see if she was still on the oxygen machine like she’s been inhaling for the last 2 centuries (gettin’ up there in years) and when she could still file away School Lunch Menus for the Month of May, we figured she could maneuver manila folders and use her lungs at the same time, then went through the girls gym where Mimi taught about life and grade point averages and taught Alexa that if you don’t score, you’ll flunk out and life will suck and you’ll wind up in Skid Row where all the other Valedictorians went who got straight A’s but refused to shoot lay-ups go for Purgatory only to learn that Teddy has a severe dearth of furniture and a chip on his shoulder. Talk about going back to square one.

“Teddy, if you want, I can call The Salvation Army and the truck should have the divan delivered by this afternoon, my treat. No hard feelings?”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Donates 1.5 Million Dollars Worth Of Neo-Georgian Living Room Suite Collectibles To Local Neighbor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I was going to throw it out anyway. Judge Ito sat in the same love seat that Aaron Burr lounged on when we were going over case briefs. Comes with an ottoman.”

 

And as Teenchy mentioned, we’re leapfrogging several episodes, presumably due to baseball and softball suddenly springing on the horizon. Not that much justice will be done to those either but let’s get through this 1 scene, skip several scenes, backtrack a scene, come back to a scene among those several scenes, take a smoke break, another scene, insert a few “meanwhile”‘s along the way in case anybody’s awake (“Meanwhile in Dr. Pearl’s office where she’s spraying Raid on the Science Lab Delivery Invoices”) , divert to the Milford Barber Shop where Gil is investigating Chris’ Kindergarten transcript for any discrepancies in his Spelling Aptitude Test scores while getting a trim and a shave, endure a couple of leftover “meanwhile”‘s (“Meanwhile, at Milford General where Mimi is getting her leg amputated after dropping a bowling ball on her foot”) , watch the last scene ride off into the sunset with Gil riding Trigger and Teddy enjoying the coffee table that Chris recovered from the Wednesday Garbage Day bin and let’s FINALLY get to Spring sports. Don’t ask me to repeat that.

 

“Pop, I found the rake next to the pile of mimeographed sheets of the SAT Answer Code. We’ll nail Teddy for sure, isn’t that right, Birmingham?”

“That most certainly is. And Mr. Chan, I saw Teddy using that rake to filter the dandruff out of his Mohawk, sho’ nuff. We’ll get him for a misdemeanor anyway. Pilfered bookstore items, if nuthin’ else.”

“#2 Son and Birmingham, there’s an ancient Chinese proverb that says ‘When the plot has ended, go check if Gil’s babysitter is still watching the kids’. Now come, let’s let Teddy drown in his Vidal Sassoon Extra Moisturizer Formula and let us partake of a well-earned rest down at The Bucket. We could stand some Bucket Steamed Split Peas.”

 

If ya git a recliner delivered in a 4-wheel drive straight ta yore livin’ room after yore other recliner pooped out from all the butt-scratchin’ from you and yore bloodhounds while ya wuz watchin’ ESPN College Football Gameday ever’ Saturday and ya donate THAT piece uv furniture ta yore neighbor so that he has a place ta put his tool box on so that his tools don’t git greasy from all the dirt on the floor, ya might be a redneck.

 

Pebbles comes over to Bam Bam’s house a week after Bam Bam got due processed from Bedrock Elementary for sticking a dead pterodactyl in her desk while she was up front singing “God Bless America” in front of the class

“Bam Bam, I just want to let you no that I still like you and even though they had to fumigate my desk, the silver lining was they sent that dead pterodactyl to the Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage plant in the Sage Sausage Processing Department.”

“Pebbles, I have always resented you. When I was trying to turn the hose on Dino and that saber-toothed cat that dumps your dad outside at the end of the show, you sent the Mau Maus after me because you were protesting animal cruelty.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Bam Bam-”

“And when your dad used a handgun on my mom’s bird that got the wheels turning on the iron so that my mom could iron my tunic, that was a low blow. Just because that bird told Fred that Wilma got poached brontosaurus eggs at fire sale prices from the Bedrock milkman, well, your dad can dish it out but he can’t take it. It took 4 days of clubbin’ that pterodactyl but if it meant watching you sing “God Bless America” like Captain Beefheart, it was worth it.”

“And I want to make it up to you. My dad is coming over later to deliver that cot to your living room. He slept on it when he was in the Bedford Army National Guard. You will be home, won’t you?”

 

I think it’s important to be a good citizen and support my local neighborhood association. Still, I’m a little befuddled to read about some chickens that were running loose in the streets when I’m not really near any significant farm

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Plant Fined $1.3 Million Dollars By EPA After Yorkshire Escapes!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Spokesperson at the plant noted that hog ran from Animal Testing Lab into Grease Monkey parking lot and contaminated the asphalt with multiple droppings.”

 

Birmingham Brown in front of the Milford High School Girls Gym, standing by the car, waiting for Charlie Chan and his son

“Boy, I sure hope Mr. Chan is okay. Man, ol’ Alexa was a walking time bomb. When his son told Mimi that instructing Alexa to pretend like she was shooting aTexas Instrument TI-89 calculator was an absurdity, I thought Gil was going to knock him on the floor for a 3-count. Thank God, I’m safe out here. Lord, I’d hate to see how dangerous he can be when he’s doing any coaching. I’ll turn in my resignation to Mr. Chan.”

Charlie Chan and his son come out of the gym

“You were right, Pop. There wasn’t any activity going on. I had a hunch that the Spalding semi with all the basketballs by the Milford Truck Stop was headed towards the Milford YMCA Campground. When he was downing a burrito, that sealed it.”

“Ya mean, I waited for you for 3 months shakin’ in my shoes only to find out THERE WAS NUTHIN’ GOIN’ ON?????”

“Birmingham, I learned from Confucius that man who sees another man with a catcher’s mitt and a volleyball in front of the pavilion should not assume that man is waiting for the 3-man officiating crew. Now, #2 son, I assume you have some Certs in your pocket. Your breath is beginning to smell like Gil’s locker at the Milford Athletic Club.”

 

I am a HUGE comic strip buff and one of my favorites is Gasoline Alley. They have been up and running for over a century and deservedly so. Frank King, the original artist, designed his backgrounds in his strips to resemble the rustic scenery of his native Wisconsin. Nice rolling hills and plenty of pastures graced the cityscape of Walter Wallet and his adopted son, Skeezix. With the seemingly ranch house conept in P3 in mind and pretending The Dells are behind the trees, Rufus and Joel show up

“Mornin’, Mr. Wallet.”

“Good morning, Joel. Good morning, Rufus.”

“Jus’ wanna le’ ya knows that if Betsy stepped inta yer ki’chen un’nvited, I’se sorry. Sumtimes ‘at mule’s gotta mind o’ its own.”

“Oh, that’s okay, Joel. We were able to save the pots and pans that were handed down from the 11th century. We had to throw out the crockery my ancestors took with them on The Mayflower. But we kept the butter churner.”

“Land sakes, tha’s good news. Rufus, you ‘n’ Melba git that box o’ ‘luminum plates off th’ wagon.”

“Yes’m”

“Rufus, I ain’t Melba. Tha’s wuss ‘n’ callin’ me Gil. Mr. Wallet, ’em plates we foun’ down by the crick. I understan’ Tiki ate off ’em when he wuz changin’ school distrikts. But I don’ think he’s returnin’ for dessert, so they’s all yorn.”

“Why, thank you, Joel. Looks like Rufus and Melba are experience trouble getting them off the wagon.”

“Rufus, you’s as worthless as this plot. Do I gotta util’ze Betsy ta tug ’em off?”

“I’s jest that the box is so he’vy, it’ll rip Melba’s skirt clean off. And we got kids ‘at read Gil an’ play bask’tball. Alexa didn’ shoo’ free t’rows ‘n’ her birt’day suit.”

“Rufus, don’ tell me th’ rules. Ya soun’ like Mimi when she’s eatin’ one o’ Melba’s possum biskits f’ breakfast. Han’ me th’ crowbar and git out o’ th’ way. Don’ worry, Mr. Wallet, we’ll git ’em dish’s off th’ wagon and ‘n’ yer livin’ room in a bit.”

“No problem, Joel. I have to go to town. I have to go pick up Skeezix from soccer practice. I’ll be back by the end of the baseball season. You’re welcome to the Lay’s Sour Cream Chips on the shag carpet in the living room. The Milford Steam-Vac guy  foamed the floor an hour ago so you should be good to go.”

“Much ‘bliged, Mr. Wallet. An’ me ‘n’ Rufus’ll git a coal shovel and git all th’ poop off the ki’chen tile. Sumtimes, Betsy’s also gotta butt o’ her own.”

 

“Birmingham!!!!!!!!!”

“Hey, Benjamin!!!!!!!!!!! Whatcha know?”

“Well, I heard that Gil-”

“You’re puttin’ me on. But didn’t Mimi-”

“Naw, the fire truck hosed it down. But-”

“You mean to tell me-”

“Yup, her kids tested negative at the clinic. They-”

“Wait a minute. I saw Gil with a shotgun-”

“Shootin’ mice in the gym-”

“Don’t blame him. Well, Ben, nice seeing you.”

“Same here, Birmingham.”

 

Today’s Women’s History Month entry is Amy Grant. I have always loved her music and I really give her props for ability to write her own songs. She started out in the early ’80’s with hits like “El Shaddai” and “Angels”, then hit her stride later in the decade with her first #1 single, a duet with Peter Cetera (formerly with Chicago) performing “The Next Time I Fall.” She scored her second #1 single, “Baby Baby”, off her blockbuster album, “Heart in Motion.” A six-time Grammy winner, I have always admired her solid Christian life, one of the few I can honestly say (unfortunately) lives the Christian faith along with telling it. Amy, you did the right thing divorcing your first husband. Just because he said he was a Christian did not a Christian necessarily make. You seem A LOT happier now. Please join me in saluting a woman who has created a serious dent in the music industry and still loves Jesus. God bless you, Amy.

 

“We’ll be back to see if Charlie Chan gets the gym open again after he proved to the Milford School Board that years of neglect didn’t prove lack of interest after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

“Man, I have always liked Charlie Chan movies. Sippin’ a Bud on the couch with Mimi snoozin’ on my shoulder and watching “Charlie Chan Goes to Milford to Stop the Rioting”, well, only  a member of the Swedish Bikini Team would make that better.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp, speaking on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse. And, sakes alive, this Coronavirus scare is affecting the nation and I can understand. And people are looking for answers.

Our Booze and Toilets promo has been enhanced with the generous cooperation of Milford Plumbing Solutions. Many toilets are contaminated and health recovery can be hindered with such a contraption stuck like one great big wart in the bathroom.

That’s why The Warehouse is here to save the day and the nation. Bring in your enfant terrible and your Milford Beverage Warehouse credit card and with a purchase of Gallo Family Moscato 1.5 Liter, you can put your problem child on the dump truck and exchange it for a Broyhill Sani-Flush Futur-ama, problem solved. Shoot, for an extra bottle, they’ll even install it. I’m glad I don’t have to use plastic gloves when Jose Cuervo runs through my system and I gotta pee me a river.

And with a purchase of a Bud Light Platinum the 24-Pak, 12 ounce cans for pennies on the dollar, The Warehouse will send the cavalry out to unclog your john. Sometimes, Grandma comes over for St. Patrick’s Day dinner and her constipation seems to be contagious. Over-consumption of green cupcakes will do that. But not all toilets are victims of The Plague. They just need a gentle push and flushing is as easy as falling off a log. And if Milford Plumbing Solutions doesn’t unclog the toilet, you still keep the booze. You’ll get something before it’s all over.

And for you hypochondriacs out there, your worries are over. With a purchase of Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whisky 750 ml for a price you potty-trained your dog with, Milford Plumbing Solutions and The Warehouse have financed free vaccinations through Milford Public Health Department to cope with the crisis. One shot in the arm and you’ll see Captain Morgan. Hope he’s got a shopping cart because the deals here at The Warehouse are no illusion. I’ll be lining up to go get my bottle.

Come down to The Warehouse and ditch that contaminated throne where it’ll be sent to Perdition, somewhere in the county. And walk out of The Warehouse with your grip on The Good Life. Tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Gang, you mean the world to me. PLEASE, all kidding aside, follow the Center for Disease Control guidelines to the nth degree. Wash your hands. Cook THOROUGHLY. Maintain proper distance. Get fresh air and sunshine.  And the cleaner air, the better. Stay active but stay smart. AND if you suspect the symptoms of Coronavirus, DON’T HESITATE GET HELP IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!

We’re America, Gang. United we stand. Let’s stand together like we have in the past. It is how we got through in the past and how we’ll get through now. God bless you all.

 

“Well, Mr. Chan, looks we wrapped up another case. You stickin’ around for baseball?”

“I respectfully decline, Mr. Thorp. My grandfather once told me that ‘Man whose feet is stuck in the mud in the batter’s box will never get the benefit of the call from the umpires on a bang-bang play’. Come, Birmingham, take me home.”

 

At the Milford Beverage Warehouse in the vaccination line

“There you are. You’ll see your Maker before you know it, if not Evan Williams. Here, Dr. Pearl, don’t forget your coat and your bottle of Jack.”

 

 

March 5, 2020

This Farce Is On The House.

03052020

7:14PM-We did stake-out in front of the Milford Public Library. My partner, Bill Gannon, was munching on his 7th Baconator w/ Swiss Cheese while I was about to smoke through my carton of Bel-Air’s. We were sure the illegal operation was going through the doors of what was once a Carnegie Library but we had to be careful. We couldn’t ID a patron’s library card without a warrant and we also didn’t want to blown away by a little old lady with an Uzi under her collection of mystery novels like Sue Grafton’s “M is for Milford”.

We hit paydirt. A gentleman who exhibited the ugliest Mr. T filament I had ever seen since they cancelled “The A-Team” walked into front entrance with more test aids than Barron’s. And I had a hunch he wasn’t headed to one of the conference rooms for a book discussion on Ray Bradbury’s “Golden Apples of the Sun.”

“Police officers!!!!!!!! Get your hands up and spread ’em out!!!!!!! Bill, frisk ’em for any weapons!!!!!!!”

“Mr. Friday, if you have overdue library items, we can renew them for 3 more weeks. You have 1 renewal allowance left.”

“Don’t try anything cute. I know you have illegal shipments of PSAT exams somewhere. Bill, check under the Xerox copier.”

“Mr. Friday, I assure you, we haven’t any illegal materials or drugs. And if we see or hear anything suspicious, we do our duty as citizens to call the police.”

“That’s what the commander at Pearl Harbor said and there were bombs in his file cabinet. Don’t try to cover this bomb or the judge will convict you on a Section 75, Article 401, “Illegal Storage of Educational and Public Institutional Reading Provisions Within and On General Library Property”. A confession now will lighten the sentence.”

“Joe, maybe she’s right. All I found at the copier was the crossword puzzle section out of the Milford Enquirer. Somebody forgot to take it off the glass.”

“Awwwwrrightt, you were lucky this time. But if I spot so much as a take-home portion of the SAT on the Fiction shelves, I’m gonna run you in and you better have a good lawyer. We’ll be back.”

 

Gang, you Dirty Harry buffs remember the scene where a psycho who’s on a killing rampage pays this bruiser to beat the tar out of him so that this psycho can frame the police and make it appear like police brutality? This bully just keeps beating him and beating him, finally the bully lands a crusher on him and says “This one’s on the house.”

And when I saw Teddy and his oversize hand throw the contraband on Chris, I felt like that psycho.

“Gil, you mean you want me to kick you in the nuts and rip your hair so that you can have a reason to call in sick? You’re not around much anyway. And I don’t like getting Brylcream all over me.”

“Please do it. Dr. Pearl said I couldn’t use any more sick days and unless I got ran over by the Milford & Oakwood Midnight Special, I was to fulfill the rest of my teacher’s contract and coach the balance of the season. And my cruise ship tickets to The Bahamas are non-refundable.”

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“This one’s on the house, Mimi.”

CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Sting Operation At Testing Site At Milford Community College Nets $1.7 Million In Confiscated Hot SAT Materials!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Detective Friday: ‘I noticed one of the dealers carrying a Magic Marker into the classroom instead of 2 #2 pencils. And when he didn’t have his calculator, that’s when I put the finger on him. Those punks never had a chance.”

 

THE STREAK IS BACK

Boy o boy, we got the package today. Dark Shadows Hand in P1 and now The Streak in P2. And I remember when Dan Curtis, who produced Dark Shadows, screened actors for his show so that it would be that much scarier. He wanted people who were REALLY freaky, were excellent actors, and were terrific with the public. Jonathan Frid, who played Barnabas Collins, was a good example. He was a veteran Shakesperean actor and was super with the fans. He would stop on the streets to sign an autograph. People loved him. And when you saw his displaying those vampire teeth on the TV screen, that just confirmed the issue.

Well, Teddy can’t act and it’s hard for me to believe after he got detention that he has a good rapport with the hoi polloi BUT he is super freaky with that hairdo. He’s 1/3 of the way there should the networks return Dark Shadows to the spotlight. He might catch up by then, especially if he quits getting detention for sticking sting bombs in Barnabas’ coffin. Don’t hold your breath.

Anybody who leaves a streak, er, trail with Kaplan’s AP Guide to Trigonometry ledger notes on the Head Librarian’s desk is in serious need of reform. Those cosine and sine functions in the doorway attest to that.

 

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“This one’s on the house.”

KERBLOOEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Dude, did you have to that to Dr. Pearl? I don’t care how much she paid you. She’s got a face that was born before the French and Indian War.”

 

2:31PM, Next day-In order to nab these vermin in the act, we had to think like them. So we had Bill Gannon pose as a conferderate. He was to be an SAT Test buyer and so he had to learn the tricks of the trade. It wasn’t going to be easy because Bill barely passed high school. Last-minute intervention by Dr. Pearl kept Gannon from being sent on the front line at the Battle of the Bulge. He owed her one.

“Joe, I think I have this down pat. I had a little trouble with the Essay Section but I got an ‘A’ n my term paper at the Milford Police Academy on ‘Criminal Tactics on Bucket Burger Swindlers’. And I got my calculator in case he tries to pull an arctan on me. I memorized the Math Section cold. I bet I’d score an 800 easily.”

“The real test is when those punks try to smell you out. Your testimony better be tight. Let’s go over the Verbal Section one more time.”

“Sure, Joe. Okay, Mr. Punk, I looked over these analogies and they appear to be in good working order. BASKETBALL:INERTIA seem to align with SPORTS:NONEXISTENCE. And I filled in the blanks with ‘Gil ______________ the season in order to party even if the populace_________________ for more activity’ with ‘trashed’ and ‘clamored’. Gotta watch those opposites. I almost answered ‘consummated’. I’ll take ’em. Got plenty of Benjamin’s. Name your price.”

“You’ll knock ’em dead, Bill.”

Slightly peppy music imbues Dragnet while Bill and Joe leave the physics lab.

 

If ya bribe the guy at the bar so ya can git the answer sheet to yore arithmatic ex-am-in-na-shun and finally pass 3rd grade and the ne’er-do-well throws in a slide rule ab-suh-lute-ly gratis, ya might be a redneck.

 

“Okay, it all checks out. The logarithm of 100 is 2 so ‘None of the above’ is the correct answer. And I’ll give in on the Antonym Section. I reckon ‘hirsute’ is the opposite of ‘immaculate’. You drive a hard bargain. I still say it’s ‘shiny’. Remember, it’s NEAREST in meaning. But if you’ll throw in a Videocassette on ‘Big Jake’s Sweating to a 1600 on the SAT’, I’ll call it even.”

“Deal.”

“Gentlemen, I need the goods if you want the cash.”

“Okay, Jiffy Pop Head, you go with Frank and get the stuff out of the van. Here’s the key.”

“I got a better idea LET’S ALL GO POLICE OFFICERS YOU’RE UNDER ARREST!!!!!!!!!!”

 

____________

 

“You got a warrant?”

“Right here wedged in this test booklet, punk. You better start asking what oars you’re gonna need when you get sent up the river.”

“I was only doing what any Robin Hood would do to help a poor schmuck to Harvard. I ain’t all bad.”

“Son, you can’t just hock answer sheets and crib notes out of the professor’s vertical file at Milford Community College. There’s laws against that. Personally, I don’t want a guy majoring in electric engineering at MIT with egg on his conscience. What’d you find in the briefcase, Joe?”

“The price tag is still fresh on the ‘Barron’s Prep Guide to Better Scores on the SAT’, answers included. Straight out of the Milford CC Bookstore. He doesn’t have a prayer before the judge.”

“Jiffy Pop Head, didn’t I tell you to burn those tags?”

“I couldn’t help it. They’re made out of the same material as Gil’s hair.”

“So’s your brain.”

“THAT’S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU TWO. YOU’RE IN ENOUGH HOT WATER WITH DR. PEARL. DON’T TRIP ON THE WAY TO THE COURTROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CRUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Luhm, I’m stickin’ this broom handle up your butt on the house.”

OWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“This is Marty Moon with a Special Report at Milford High School where the janitor was brutalized. Mr. Luhm, what happened?”

“Gil did all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him I couldn’t wax the floor until after the players left the scrimmage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He’ll pay for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

Dum da dum dum

Dum da dum dum

DUMMMMMMMMMMMM

“This farce you have just seen is true. The names are unfortunately true and exposing the innocent.

“On March 4th, trial was held in the cafeteria of Milford High School at the PTA meeting. In a moment, the results of that trial.”

 

“Folks, I hope those smugglers get the book thrown at them. Whether it’s Dan-O or Joe Friday, nobody more than me likes to see a guy strapped to a chair because McGarrett or Friday caught them breaking into a student’s locker and stealing that student’s Pudding Pops.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. And, boy, do I have a menu for you while you’re watching Friday hangin’ ’em high at Tombstone. Our enterprises and El Tarasco Restaurant have joined together to provide you with even better quality products that you can snarf straight off the TV tray.

Try our new Gil Thorp Italian Sausage ‘n’ Enchiladas Verdes. Mmmmmm, mmm, I can almost smell Mimi smokin’ ’em off the electric stove. With that aroma and Milford Dairies Sour Cream, I’m bettin’ Joe Friday nails then in the next Dragnet episode when the bad guys try to pillage the Milford Food Pantry for guacamole dip.

Are you a shrimp guy? No problem. Gil Thorp Sage Seasoned Sausage y Camarones al Chipotle is just the thing to lay on the grill when the gang comes over to watch Major League Baseball Game of the Week. And Chihuahua Cheese will bat a thousand every time when you’re topping the patties. Hey, and I didn’t know Camarones meant ‘shrimp’. I always thought it meant ‘camera’. Goes to show you us coaches are always learning a new play to put in the playbook.

And you quiche eaters out there who don’t buy grills can always indulge in Gil Thorp Mild Sausage Fajita Burrito Grande. Even Grandma will enjoy this Grande, especially when you marinate the Sausage of Choice. If you wussies want to go stronger, we have onions and peppers for just a few cents extra. Sometimes Joe Friday’s gotta play Rambo and throw tear gas in the faculty lounge if he wants the juvenile delinquents to surrender. We’re fine either way.

Come check out these and other fine Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage products in your grocers’ coolers. You don’t have to go south of the border for good eatin’. We’re right in your neighborhood.”

 

 

With Teddy and his buddy standing in front of a blank wall

“Teddy Demarco a/k/a Roger M. Klotz and Jiffy Pop Head were found guilty of two counts of “Illegal Test Preparation Trafficking” and 5 counts of “Harassment of Illegal Contraband onto the General Populace” according to Section 102, Article 9 of the Milford Municipal Legislative Compendium and is punishable by a fine of $35,000 on each count and not more than 5 years of Detention in the Study Hall with Parole set for 2 years by the Milford Parole Commission.”

“Demarco and Jiffy Pop Head are now serving Detention at Milford High School for 3 years.”

 

Gang, you mean the world to me. I bet you have better shooting form than Schuring too. Better arch, anyway.

 

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CRUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KLUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oops, sorry, Gil. Had too many Camarones con arroz. Here’s a twenty back.”

 

 

 

 

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