This Week in Milford

April 22, 2018

Vaya con carne, Martín Luna

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This has to have gone down as the Gil Thorp arc with the least amount of actual sports action ever. It also has to be near the top of arcs requiring the greatest suspension of disbelief. On top of all we’ve had to choke down around Marty, Pirate Boy and the Milford Pirate Network (does one station constitute a network?), now we’re supposed to believe that WDIG has at least three studios? Couldn’t at least one of them held Marty’s substitute, re-creating the basketball games Ronald Reagan style while Marty was suspended?

Marty played his traditional role of designated heel, between making light of the Padillas’ life situation, the gratuitous Mexican food references (intended to woo a potential sponsor but interpreted as “Puerto Ricans/Mexicans are all alike and their cultures all the same”) and the mispronunciation/pissy over-pronunciation in response to criticism. But really, Gil doesn’t come off as much less of a schmuck either. True, he couldn’t have anticipated the tack the MPN took on covering Milford hoops – nor Marty’s blue response to them – but he did in effect goad them on to goad Marty on. His ham-handed efforts at negotiation showed how little he thinks of Milford girls’ basketball and required us to connect the dots and assume Marty’s suspension would turn into termination if Marty didn’t accede.

Finally, Gil’s little dig at Marty in the last panel (yet another in which characters depart via a doorway), meant to remind Marty of the Boricua culture of which he is so ignorant, comes off a bit dickish as well. I’ll admit I like the idea of Marty as Scooby-Doo villain, but wouldn’t that mean he’s actually somebody else under a rubber mask? My money’s on Dr. Pearl.

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April 18, 2018

Why Is Paloma Standing Behind Gil’s Desk?

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I mean, other than to gratuitously fit her in the frame. Really, Panel Three concisely symbolizes the whole approach of this arc. I’m not even entirely sure what the heck Jorge is talking about when he says Gil ‘might’ be right.

Fortunately, Gil’s not really listening as he strains his neck to make sure Paloma doesn’t clock him with her standard Milford High issue stack of text books.

Minus points: Sartorially, things seem out of whack. We have Mimi in a skirt (!) and long scarf, Gil going from wearing a jacket to short sleeves, and I don’t even want to begin to figure out all the ways Paloma is not dressed like a teenager.

 

April 13, 2018

Cant anybody here do this job??

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Marty Moon, Milford Idiots — robmize2013 @ 8:19 pm

Gil runs into the station manager at WDIG who tells him Marty may get his job back if Gil tells the tall girl who started all this MPN nonsense to endorse it. And if she doesnt endorse it he wont. Double negative. Whats the future of MPN now that the Pirate Parrot guy doesnt want to do it because Marty lost his job? Why is the girl as tall as Gil? Whats the point of all this if the basketball season is over anyway, which it should’ve been a month ago?

And the elephant in the room? WHY ON GODS GREEN EARTH DOES MARTY MOON HAVE TO BE THE ONLY FUCKIN PERSON ON PLANET EARTH THATS CAPABLE OF BROADCASTING A GOD DAMN TINY ASS HIGH SCHOOLS’ BASKETBALL GAMES THAT NOBODY GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT AND WHOSE PRIMARY CHARACTERS IN THIS PLOT HAVE BEEN FORGOTTON ABOUT BECAUSE OF SOME DUMB ASS PIRATE NETWORK THATS NOW OUT OF BUSINESS??? CANT ANYBODY ELSE IN THIS MORONIC SCHOOL SIT BEHIND A GOD DAMN MICROPHONE AND DESCRIBE MEANINGLESS BASKETBALL ACTION 2 FUCKIN MONTHS AFTER EVERYONE ELSE IN THE SHIT-ASS UNIVERSE IS DONE PLAYING????

Where’s the Excedrin?

April 12, 2018

Marty Moon: The Straw That Stirs the Milford Drink

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Today’s strip just serves to bring the glaring plot holes, inconsistencies and missed opportunities into stark relief, not unlike Marty’s face in P2.  Without belaboring the obvious – oh, who am I kidding? Let’s belabor the obvious:

  1. If an Aagard scores 26 points and there’s no one there to report on it, does it make a sound? Last winter’s saga of Aaron and his opioid-addicted mother ended with his transfer into the protective custody of the Hiatt-Brown family. Rubin brought Aaron back this season, but Big Ken Brown is no longer around to make things happen. Couldn’t those loose ends have been tied up in a panel?
  2. Nice use of parallel drinking by the not-broadcasting broadcasters, one with hooch, the other with Yoo-Hoo (or does that just say “Poo”?). The glaring sign behind Marty’s head must be meant to offer a contrast to his apparent sour mood. It also offers a nice segue into a song parody but I fear those days are behind me. The idea that WDIG can’t or won’t run games without Marty to call them borders on the absurd. Absurd doesn’t begin to describe the Milford Pirate Network’s approach to the games. If they’d been up front about why they popped up then played it straight, they’d still be on the air and no one would’ve cared that there was no coverage from Marty and WDIG. But noooo, MPN based its whole schtick on taunting Marty, so no Marty, no MPN. For that matter…
  3. … no Marty, no Gil to antagonize or be antagonized by Marty. Hence Gil’s call on Pocket Square Sporting Radio Station Manager to no doubt try to get Marty back on the air. As with his meeting with Marty, Gil’s on neutral ground where drinks are involved but this time it’s only coffee (unless Gil’s secretly making it Irish).

If all this is a pivot towards turning this strip from Gil Thorp into Marty Moon, I could be persuaded to stick around. The travails of a drunken shock jock looking to redeem himself to unwitting victims of his shock doesn’t cover new ground but it has potential.

late metapost: Over lunch I came across this article about Latinos attempting to assimilate in the American South. No one in the story is Puerto Rican, but it touches on an angle Rubin has chosen not to pursue to much extent in this arc.

April 11, 2018

Welp, It’s Long Past Time For Pitchers And Catchers To Report

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And the NBA playdowns are just around the corner so I guess it’s fortunate that we’re taking this week to wrap up all of the loose ends of a typically thoughtful treatment regarding the tragic plight of a serious, real life, on-going crisis.

Duncan with a fucking parrot on his shoulder indeed. At least panel three shows us why he needed to go for the pirate hat to round out his look.

Metapost: Apologies for the late post as I got pulled away from my desk before hitting ‘Publish’.  Boy, I wasn’t in too good of a mood to start the day, was I?

April 10, 2018

“Marty, it was just a bad dream. The plane didn’t crash.”

Filed under: Just plain sad, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 3:34 am

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Hmmmmmm. Gang, I’m never one to say “I told you so” but just a couple of days ago everybody was rejoicing and singing “Ding Dong, the witch is dead!!!!!”. Now, a lesson all of us who are teenagers or have been teenagers learn, many times THE HARD WAY, is that once you overthrow the despot, make sure you have a suitable replacement.

Give credit where credit is due. Though I admit I satirized the MPN and the ramifications thereof, I admired, and still admire their ability to settle the issue in a peaceful manner. And effective at that. Karina and Duncan had built a better mouse trap.

And let’s not kid ourselves, gang. Marty’s an ass. And should he return, and from all indications, based upon where I believe P3 is taking us, that looks like that’s a strong possibility, he will continue to be an ass. Gil rescued from the Titanic the one person who was a thorn in his side who second-guessed his EVERY coaching move for decades and will CONTINUE to second-guess him once they reach dry land. Gratitude is not in Marty’s vocabulary.

“My career got a second wind. And I owe it all to the one man who put Milford athletics on the map. His keen eye for detail plus his ability to lead kids to The Promised Land just floors me. I am truly sorry for being such a low-lying snake and a true-blue vermin to him for years but I fully intend to make restitution.”

Well, anyway, that student breaking the Fourth Wall in P1 has a nice smile.

Ooooookkkkkkk, gang, I tried to hold it in but the song demons got a hold of me and this is the result. Sung to the Beatles’ “You’re Gonna Lose That Girl”, I have a unique spin to Marty’s relationship to Karina/The Dove and vice versa. I took liberties with song structure so you’ll have to overlook my lyrical peccadilloes.  Without further ado

You kicked her in the face

And dragged her in the mud

You think you’re pretty cool

And such a macho stud

You’re gonna loooossee that girl

You’re gonna loooossee that girl

You’re gonna loooossee

THAT GIRL

You need to apologize

And simply eat your words

Or they’ll can you at ‘DIG

And then you’ll lose your shirt

You’re gonna loooossee your shirt

You’re gonna loooossee your shirt

You’re gonna loooossee

YOUR SHIRT

Guitar and banjo interludes backed by the Foggy Mountain Boys, Coach Kaz blowin’ on the whiskey jug

They’re having quite a blast

It’s all at your expense

Hugs, high-fives, they celebrate

Oh man, it’s so intense

You’re gonna goooo to H-

SCRATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, gang, I think you get the general idea. We have Born-Again Christians in the audience. Gotta keep it clean.

Heard at a speech at the Milford Civitan Club:

“Gil, there were times I doubted your ability to coach. Scratch that, just about ALL THE TIME, I didn’t think you knew your butthole from a hole in the ground about what you were doing. But when you pulled Danny Tippett out in the second quarter so he wouldn’t get that 3rd foul and he just dominated the rest of the Playdowns, well, this Bud’s for you, Gil. Oh, and so’s this Coach of the Year plaque. I used my Visa card at Milford Trophy Supply, number one, because they wouldn’t take American Express, but secondly, you deserve something special. I would have thrown in a bottle of champagne because you are the creme de la creme in the coaching ranks but Dr. Pearl reminded me that you can’t bring alcohol on school property. Anyway, congratulations, Coach.”

If you wuz goin’ to the Milford High School prom and ya find out yore pickup truck that ya smuggled from Cuba won’t start and ya use every tool imaginable and get down and greasy and pick apart the engine only to find out it was a loose battery cable end, then trip the night fantastic with yore 357-pound date even as yore tuxedo and corsage is caked with 10W40, ya might be a redneck.

“And another masterful job of Gil coaching the Milford Girls Basketball team while Mimi’s in Miami Beach at a coaching seminar. Good Lord, he can deftly coach the screen-and-roll no matter which gender. Paloma ran that backdoor to perfection. Coach T. just caught the Oakwood coaches with their pants down, literally.  There’s an Official’s Time Out to give time to rectify the situation and so we’ll go to break. The score with 2:54 left in the 3rd quarter is Milford, 41, and Oakwood, 28. This is WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

“Gil, that last load of laundry got me really horny. The kids are at the Kiddie Caravan Putting Clinic sponsored by the Milford Golf Course. Let’s have a quickie.”

“Sure, Mimi, I have a price list from The Bucket right here. We can order online. What sounds good? A Bucket Burrito? Strawberry Bucket Split?”

“Gil, let’s have sex.”

Choking on his Bud

“Are you sure that’s the last load? I didn’t see my jock straps in there. I gotta have one ready before that badminton tournament tomorrow.”

“Gil, I put a whole pile of them in the top drawer in the dresser. And wasn’t that tournament next week?”

“Um, yeah, I got that mixed up with strip bowling at Milford Lanes.”

“STRIP bowling???”

“Yeah, yeah, you take off an article of clothing for every gutter ball you roll. Thank God the kids aren’t playing in that one.”

“Gil, why would you need a jock strap at a bowling tournament? You only need one anyway. And with your 263 average, you won’t strip past your bowling shoes.”

“Um, er, you sure you washed EVERYTHIING? I didn’t find my Milford Garage Builders softball shirt. I forgot we had a game at midnight. Gotta hit the Milford Batting Cages. Do you have any spare tokens?”

“Gil, why can’t we get it on and charge up your game?”

“Oh, Man, Mimi, you know when we get down and dirty, I always wind up dipping my shoulder when I swing at the plate. Those pop-ups to the 3rd baseman just KILL a rally.”

“That was Gil several weeks ago and he was in a world of hurt, people. Hi, this is Coach Shaw on behalf of the Milford Men’s Clinic. Gil was no fun at practice, always belly-achin’ about his misadventures in bed. He had trouble humpin’ a pillow, so you can imagine what things were like with his wife. Or maybe you don’t wanna know. Well, I’m gonna tell you anyway, assholes, even if I can’t say that on the radio. I’m allotted only so many lines as Cameo Coach so I’m gonna make the most of it. Mimi was helpless watching Gil trying to air a flat tire with a coin-operated pump, inserting quarter after quarter and the little reader still at around 10 pounds psi. Gil would finally throw down the air hose disgustedly on the bed and just pull the covers over his head in embarrassment and turn the other way from Mimi. She had to be the one to turn out the lamp. Finally, after slamming his foot on a tackle dummy in anger and one Lord’s-Name-in-vain too many, in front of the sophomore practice team to make it worse, I HAD to confront the Commander-in-Chief. “General”, I said, “You need to go through the checkpoint at the base and head down to Milford Men’s Clinic. They take all major insurance and your sex life will improve. Look at it as Nautilus equipment for your phallic symbol.” And by golly Miss Molly, he took the plunge. Now he’s plunging in bed and Mimi’s enjoying those cannon balls and all the splashes that come with it. Damn the torpedos, full speed ahead. But don’t take my word for it. Check it out yourself. If ya have trouble finding it at Milford Mall, the  info booth in the center of the mall will happily steer you in the right direction. What do you have to lose, men? Swallow your pride and give it a ride. You know I did.”

I want to give a shout-out to Roth’s Pizzeria in Elberfeld, Indiana. Ryan Roth, the owner, loves people, has a charismatic personality, a spicy sense of humor, and makes some damn good food. His only fault is he is ALWAYS razzing me about my favorite college, NFL, and NBA teams (ha ha). Gang, if you’re in the neighborhood and he’s open, swing on by, you won’t be disappointed. A little out of the way, I’ll admit, but worth it. I miss ya, Ryan. You were FUN to work with at TJ Maxx. Let’s continue in Heaven, My Man. You da Man.

“What great coaching maneuvering ol’ Coach T. engineered. For years, I questioned his knowledge of the playbook. He looked like he was diagramming plays from ‘The Idiot’s Guide to Chemistry”. But his basketball coaching acumen is priceless. I can’t wait for baseball season. Gil will have that squeeze play executed to perfection by the end of August. And his pitching staff will be fully developed. They’ll have command of the fastball, curve, and slider in time for the plot to run its course. And he still has time to teach his kids how to get it on the green at the Milford Golf Course. The man’s a genius.”

Gang, while I am shoveling the doo-doo out of the gym, fire away. You make it happen.

And as an extra, I thought I’d sum up Marty’s situation(couldn’t guess from the title?-ha) with this video. You longtime Yes fans like yours truly and even you whippersnappers will enjoy this. Thanks to timbuys for the help. His point is well-taken. If you’re a frequent flier, you might get the jitters here. As I told him, I admit I’m a coward too(ha ha). Be that as it may, partake.

April 2, 2018

Let The Expletives Fly

Filed under: Exploding Eyeball Syndrome, Just plain sad, Marty Moon — nedryerson @ 6:09 am

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Those brave pirates of the MPN have engineered the downfall of Marty Moon. (Maybe) It was not by shining a light on Moon’s insensitivity while furthering awareness of the plight of our fellow citizens in Puerto Rico. The MPN just acted like idiots and nobody stopped them.

Are we supposed to take glee in Marty messing up? Marty’s sad face is truly special, but the manner in which we arrived at it is so unsatisfying and dumb that it diminishes my enjoyment.

Say, I don’t suppose Marty’s WDIG feed is going out with a tape delay. Maybe a producer back at the studio is ready to hit the “dump button” if something objectionable is picked up on mike. IF there is such a system and IF the producer was actually paying attention, maybe this isn’t really such a big deal.

March 23, 2018

Repeat after me – I am a moron

Filed under: freak hands, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, lame jokes, Milford Idiots, Milford Weirdos — robmize2013 @ 7:08 pm

And the strip gets bogged down into repetitive stuff we saw yesterday as Pirate Boy continues his ‘Tubecast’ to … who knows. Maybe the Bucket picks this up on its one TV it has behind the counter. We were going along just fine and now like a crap that wont come out, we’re stuck watching a clown in a pirate hat wonder what he does next after inciting Marty to call him exactly what he is.

Why is Marty standing now? Last game and all the others he was sitting. I know theyre on the road but for chisssakes give the man a seat. Standing is for TV analysts like .. pirate guy . Ah forget it.

P3 – who knows why the MPN is showing on top of the main attraction; I personally find it more attractive then a guy in a pirate hat trying to be funny. I get it – the Pirate Network ‘steals’ someone elses broadcast and makes it their own – but one is a radio show and the other is on YouTube, a visual medium. And the Buc doesnt even know the score of the game, which in my experience is no biggie. Most fans these days are watching their smartphones instead of intently following the action.  But a scoreboard isnt That hard to read now is it?

Advancing the plot tomorrow wont be easy  -what will we see besides the score? Will Marty walk out again? Will the girls social media overdrive effort be rewarded with a Moon removal from the radio? Will Gil get involved before its too late to save the season? Will Kaz punch out Marty before he can break the pirates neck? Will the Joker appear and destroy everything in Milford City and capture the pirate and his mate?  Tune in tomorrow – same Milford time, same Milford station!

 

 

 

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