This Week in Milford

October 18, 2018

A Funny Thing Happened To Me On The Way To Gil’s Office

Filed under: actual action, football, freak feet, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Pissy faced Gil — tdrewhardin @ 4:05 pm

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“Something appealing

Something appalling

Something for EVERYONE

A comedy tonight”

 

Oh, this isn’t “A Funny Thing Happened  On The Way To The Forum”. I was confused for a sec. When I saw those Roman Colosseum seats in P1, I was led astray. And while I’m being led down the Wide Path to Destruction, it occured to me that it really wouldn’t be a good idea to lug Orville Redenbacher’s Jumbo Popcorn and 26 bottles of Canada Dry Ginger Ale and 37 cups of Coca-Cola and 15 boxes of M & M’s Peanut up Mount Everest. You might want to have that all airlifted if you plan on sitting in the top row to watch Milford get thrown to the lions.

And do you old-timers (like moi) or even movie watchers in toto (like Bolek and his munchkins) remember that Roman guard in the same movie who was the biggest bully this side of Pug and his Uglies? What instigated the misunderstanding was the Miles Gloriosus pose Tiki is displaying in P1. Well, I suppose there isn’t any distinction between being out of your element by assuming the role of a cornerback-nee-kicker and  consequently getting bummed out from interfering with the receiver, the shot of the play appearing to be a good call so he can’t blame the zebras (not the ones in Marty’s condo in Mudlark Lake Resort to avert any further consternation) and his heartbreak over the loss of Philia, sort of the Juliet in the movie (Although the death was staged in the movie although you could really say that for this plot, really not much difference BETWEEN the movie and this plot thus far when the final penalty flag lands to the ground) , grabbing his helmet in a state of mourning over the loss of Philia/getting a flag thrown on him that decides the game although it’s hard for me to imagine his singing a dirge for the penalty like he did for Philia in the movie. But stranger things have happened. Just don’t throw your mouthpiece out in the woods, Miles. Philia would have wanted you to exert self-control. Not worth it.

THEN I didn’t see Buster Keaton running out of the poplars onto the field to do a Franco Harris Miracle Run so I knew this was Thorpiverse. Unfortunately. Buster was more entertaining.

 

I would LOVE to give a shout-out to Delisa English of Louisville, Kentucky. She is bubbly and vivacious and though confined to a wheelchair, her spirit, her will, her determination, her intelligence, and her love of life know no bounds. She went to a job-finding agency to show she can still cut it in the workaday world. SHE CAN cut it, gang, and she has my blessing to pursue her dreams along the way. Delisa, you deserve to be recognized because you represent America. Can-do lives on, thanks to you.

 

Because I am unclear on the concept when I saw a restaurant this past week displaying as part of its logo “Scratch Kitchen”, I will enlighten myself by exploring a couple of  (or more) possibilities.

At the Milford Clay Oven, The Taste of the Himalayas, Scratched to your Satisfaction

Gil complains to the manager

“The chicken in this Chicken Tikka Masala wasn’t scratched sufficiently. It tastes like a Goodrich tire. At least a Goodyear tire has more texture.And the kiddie fries from the Children’s Menu barely got scraped. How many times did you say you sent them through the nutmeg grinder?”

“Gil, did you mention that the Vegetable Korma weren’t massaged properly?”

“You bet I did, Mimi. I told him the Lima beans didn’t have enough scratch marks like a an old 45 “Elvis Presley-Burnin’ Love” when you and the kids were in the Clay Oven Playland.”

 

If ya complain to management at the Milford Fazoli’s that the kitchen crew didn’t apply enough deer rub in the deer meat when ya wuz chowin’ down The Sampler (spaghetti, lasagna, eggplant doe alfredo), ya might be a redneck.

 

And I am REALLY unclear on those helmets in P2. Since the plot has been executing more dancing than football, I know for a fact that the kicker is not only kicking the football (Buster Keaton out in the woods somewhere to retrieve the ball and thereby do some more running) but kicking up his cleats, er, heels to “Skip to my Lou, My Darling”. Okay, THAT out of the way, IS THAT REALLY A ‘J’ on the side of their of their helmet or the State of Louisiana? Well, we’ve solved one mystery after much debate over what state Milford is located. We’re making progress in geography if not in this plot. Maybe we oughta put a Rand-McNally Atlas under the Christmas tree to expedite things since Christmas might be the turning point of the plot.

Shout-out to Elaine Weisbard of St. Matthews, Kentucky, who has shown me that though she is legally blind, it has NOT stopped her from shopping, socializing with friends, and giving of herself to other people. She gave me some bananas the other day as a gesture of her kindness which she has extended to MANY people. She still lives in a house and manages the household with aplomb and skill. She has done the right thing and it shows. I salute you, Elaine.

 

At The Bucket “Where Scratching is our Business”

“This Bucket Triple Decker Cheese Burger IS made from scratch. Do you want to see the cows in the back of the restaurant? There’s a semi from that farm delivering more Angus cows at our delivery dock. You never heard of Roadway?”

One possibility I ruled out

“Sir, I’m sorry, the grill cook has psoriasis BIG TIME. Would you want another Livercheese Burger?”

“Uhhhhhhh, no, quite all right. We’ll just head down to Denny’s”

 

Marty, finishing spraying the fire extinguisher to a couple of passengers on the Milford Transit Authority mini-bus

“Mr. Moon, we wanted the heat turned on but “Extra Lake of Fire” was a bit much.”

Thanks to Luther Gideon and Mary Simpson, both of Jeffersontown, Kentucky for the above idea. I hope and pray you are doing well. Both of you mean A LOT to me.

 

Last BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST is P3. Gang, when my nephew was in a batting slump for his high school team, he NEVER got called down to the Principal’s office. Didn’t get Due-Processed if he ran through the 3rd base coach’s sign, didn’t serve In-School Suspension if he dropped the ball with the game on the line.

So what the Hell is Tiki doing in Gil’s office? Hard to imagine they’ll be talking about conjugating “Etre” in French (“Now repeat after me, Je suis, Tu es, …”) .

Over the intercom in Tiki’s Intro Auto Mechanics class, xylophone serving as the prep signal

“Mr. Shop Teacher?”

“Yesssssss?”

“Is Tiki Jensen there?”

“Yes, he is.”

“Would you send him down to Gil’s office over that fuck-up that cost the game?”

“He’s in the middle of a test. I’ll send him down after that.”

“Thank you.”

 

And what’s up with these dark figures in the background. Are they going to stage a sit-down protest if Tiki gets the paddle? Gil, at least go get Kaz as a witness so that proper procedure is followed. We really don’t want any “Gil Must Go!!!!!!!!!!” rallies in the front of the gym.

Or maybe Tiki is being burned in effigy. Yeah, that’s it.

 

 

All righty then. Based on my approval for  robmize’s analysis of the newly-introduced characters in the plot 1-2 weeks ago, especially the so-called kickers, I thought I would try to round this thing up in a synopsis to bring sense to it all.

And what better way than with a POP QUIZ, oh, you know, I’ve beaten this in the ground, I’ll admit, but one that is UNEXPECTED, an unfavorite pasttime of a student who thinks that no way will Professor Kingsfield will Pearl Harbor us with a 1000-point quiz after the student has been scuba-diving in Mudlark Lake all day long and up to the wee hours of the morning to go trout-fishing with a Sports Illustrated Bikini Model of the Year. Talk about the spider feasting on the fly.

HOWEVER, YOU, gang are the fly (or flies) in this case and I’m going to enjoy the Hell out of wearing that Bozo the Clown bow tie that Kingsfield always wears while I deliver to you on your desk, along with Spicoli’s pizza, a short pop quiz. Now, if you’ve been paying attention and taking notes the past 2-3 weeks, the pop quiz should be easier than combing Kaz’s hair as long as you don’t utilize a rake. And #2 pencils only. You may begin.

 

Matching

A) Tiki

____ A generic teacher who warns the students

a semester ahead of time that there will

be a pop quiz by the time the next sequel

“Gil and Mimi Get Brainwashed on the

Planet of the Apes” is released at the

Milford Cineplex. His great-great

grandfather was killed in the Little Big

Horn ambush when he gave the order to

smoke signal “You may fire when ready,

Sitting Bull”.

B) Tiki’s sister

____ America’s favorite movie critic and

kicker. He has proven you can kick and

chew Mike and Ike Cherry Drops at the

same time while slumbering through

“Gone With The Wind”. Mad at Coach

Thorp  when Thorp took his kids out of

the theater right before Sherman’s March

to Atlanta so that they could get to

Milford Go-Kart Extravaganza before it

closed and drive on the reputed longest

track in the world or the horse-guided

kiddie track.

C) Joe Bolek

____  A guy who sells used cars at the Milford

Auto Auction and kicks on the weekend

for the Mudlarks and the semi-pro team,

Milford United on the weekend in his

leisure time.

D) Mr. Hand-Professor Kingsfield-Mr. Price

____  Groupies who have really added nothing

to the plot and are really nothing more

than celebrated supernumeraries. Look

at them as those ugly gremlins in

“Phantasm” alongside the Lurch-like

man toting that Gil’s coffin down the

street and you’ll see the correlation. One

groupie’s dad was in the middle level of

the pile at The Who concert in Cincinnati.

E) Joe Bolek’s friends

_____  A female who is not only nameless but

we haven’t even SEEN yet. I think the

state penitentiary is holding her over

another week until her credit record is

cleared. Then the Parole Board will

stamp “Approved” for her and Red so

that they can wend their way down to

Mexico and build an ocean liner.

Did you ace it? Do you think you might have missed one? Never fear, unlike Kingsfield who can be such a dick about these things, I am offering extra credit to make your score a perfect speciman or even turn up the fire if you’ve been studying. Good study habits are essential if you want to pass the Board scores for Milford Community College.

Anyway, have at it. What have you got to lose?

F) Marty Moon

_____  A lady who appears occasionally to break

the monotony (the TWIM staff and readers

finishing the job), and one of these days,

she will get married to God knows whom,

maybe someone off Craig’s List filed under

“desperate.” Elvis is dead, so is Frankie,

and the latest report confirms she is in a

casual relationship with Moe the

Bartender

G) Peaches

_____  A low-down snake and vermin, with slime

added to the mix, related two generations

back to Sabrina’s ghoulies who has been

Gil’s tormentor and evil twin Dutch evil

twin since the advent of the Atomic Age.

He possesses the mouth of a city sewer,

has brains at a comparable level, plus a

goatee, confirming he never outgrew his

’50’s Beatnik days. When he was a cub

reporter for The Mudlarkian, 1st Period

Journalism class, writing scores and

commentary for Gil’s bowling prowess

(boy o boy) , Gil was the star and captain

of the squad. Principal Ek, BTW, was the

co-captain.

How did you do? All perfect scores and beyond will receive a coupon good for a Bucket Fulla Lasagna and Succotash and must be redeemed by the end of the month. For a dollar extra, add tater tots and a medium drink.

Gang, fire away. I need to get in shape so I’m gonna help Buster go get some footballs. We both just gotta watch the poison ivy around a couple of ’em.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Sues Milford Clay Oven, The Taste of the Himalayas, Concerning Overdone Lamb In His Lamb Tikka Kebab Happy Meal!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub head line

“Man, all that scratchin’ that lamb meat on some Clydesdale’s ass gave me the runs bad.”

 

As the Thorps go to the cash register to pay for their food

“Was everything OK?”

“I’ve had better Tandoori Chicken Salad scratched on a rubber chicken!!!!!!!!”

“Gil!!!!!!!!!”

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October 11, 2018

…’Round and ‘Round and ‘Round and…

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High-flying in this worthless plot

Losing altitude

We go ’round and ’round  and ’round

Until it sucks up air again

 

Sorry, gang, just had to dip from the Classic Rock well again, this time from the Rock band Yes off their album Tormato (scrunching together “tornado” and “tomato”, you whippersnappers) which was released in 1978. And WE ARE just spinning our wheels on this one, allowing a teenager to dominate the landscape when the jury is still out on his character, let alone his game in general, let alone his punting prowess.

No Marty to skin this one alive and hold Gil accountable for spending more time with Arnie and Tiger in August when August was the time to be ferreting out what the heck Gil was going to do for the next 3 months? C’mon, Thorpiverse, you can’t bail out on the “Marty’s been suspended” excuse this time. Gil is roaming free like your small pet in your efficiency apartment and Marty is not there in his 26-cage Milford Animal Enforcement truck to haul him back to the pound. Gil is peeing on every fire hydrant in town.

 

P1: “Raise your hand if you’re Surrrreeeeeee……”

And I could have contrived other deoderant commercials running the gamut from Ban To Arrid, even gone the Roll-on for either one. Such a perfect setting. Coach is on his hands and knees begging Our Hero to come out for the team, Our Hero promising to go out if Coach promises to fork over the two duffel bags of footballs in Dr. Pearls’ husband’s tool shed (apparently an overflow in the equipment room) , give up his Hank Williams Anthology that he ordered one night on a K-Tel infomercial, including liner notes on how he froze to death in his car AND which year he froze to death (some say December 31st, others like the hitchhiker who looked inside, just wanting a ride, January 1st), and puh-LEEAAASSEEEE slap on some Right Guard. Unless some kid went for the jugular and aimed his water pistol at your pits, not that that I’m ruling that out…

Be that as it may, Irish Spring would complement your Big Jake physique.

“Coach, I don’t mean to say you have B.O. or anything and thank you for that photo of Heather Burns’ dad posing next to Bart Starr when Mr. Burns was a teenager and wanting Bart to autograph his Bucket Lemon-Lime Slushee cup when Bart kicked off the Milford Fall Chataqua Festival Parade, but when you and Coach Shaw go hunting, do you mark off spots so your wife can pick up the scent? I think you might want to watch out for female raccoons in heat when you traipse into the Milford Wildlife Reserve on your next outing.”

 

One early morning on Milford Transit Authority Mini-Bus #7757, Marty Moon is engaged in a heated debate

 

“Whattya mean, you had another handicapped passenger??????!!!!!!! WE’RE handicapped!!!!!!!!!”

“Yeah, but this was serious. If he loses his dentures, he can’t eat any solid food. Then he’ll shrivel up and die. We finally found them underneath the fire extinguisher. He was so happy that his Houston Colt .45’s won the Super Bowl, that he expectorated them while giving commentary on the winning TD.”

“Bud, there IS no more teams with that moniker, let alone win the Super Bowl!!!!!!!!!”

“Whatever. Anyway, we kept feeding him McD’s Breakfast Burritos until we got him to the Milford Rehab Center to regain his strength, after we re-inserted them, of course.”

“Does the Rehab Center keep Dentu-Creme on hand?????!!!!!!!! That might cement them into place!!!!!!!! AND CEMENT YOUR JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Never thought of it that way.”

Thanks to Dale Smith and Dustin Figg of Valley Station, Kentucky for the last idea. You guys get the shaft many times but your presence is never taken for granted with me. Despite your visual impairment, you keep America moving. Both of you have overcome  a lot to achieve the American Dream. I salute you both.

 

Again from “Tormato”

The tale of all this inanity

Will go down in infamy

Onward, plot’s got blight

Onward, a bad flight

Onward, with no fight

Onnnnnwwwward, out of sight

of my minnnnnnddddddd

 

What is this exchange with Kaz and Joe in P2 and P3????????? Joe looks like he’s in a job interview. Essentially, when you think about it, it pretty much is but even then job interviews, last time I checked, take about a 1/2 hour-1 hour if you’re applying at McDonald’s, Burger King, Chick-Fil-A, The Bucket (making sure you’re paying attention), KFC, etc. This one’s been 2 months running. What do we have to do a background check on NOW???? Joe’s punting average in Pop Warner League Football? To see if NFL scouts are still interested? Joe’s favorite yogurt flavor at The Bucket (Bucket Peach Pit Delight, BTW) ? Get him on the damn team and let’s get ready for the next game which by my calculations is TOMORROW.

“So when can you start?”

“How long will this plot last.?”

“Are you willing to work overtime?”

 

 

 

Kudos to Matthew Maloney of Fern Creek, Kentucky. You go to work at Kroger ready for action and thereby keep the customer well-stocked with the groceries the customer needs. You have been working there for years, rarely missing a day and ALWAYS being on time. Gang, I think he likes his job. We need more people like him because he makes America great. Next time you come to Fern Creek Kroger (just north of I-265) , say hello to Matthew and treat him with respect. He’s earned mine and I bet he’ll earn yours too.

 

At Milford Towne House Condominiums in the green area

“Okay, Keri, you’ve had your turn. Now let Jamie ride the zebra for awhile.”

 

Updated copy of “Home on the Range”

“Oh, give me a home/Where the buffalo roam

And they snore in Milford Penthouse tonight

Where seldom is heard/A gray buzzard’s word

Its owner got a writ in Milford Heights

 

Home, Home on the Range

That concept has lately gone strange

Where apes and baboons

Share a posh time-share room

And they Google New York Stock Exchange

 

 

“Johnny Olson, I’ll bet you have another member of the studio audience who would love to kick the night away with John Travolta, don’t you think so, people?”

WE BET HE DOES JOE HE HAD HIS CUE CARD IN HIS CRACK READY TO ROCK ‘N’ ROLL

“Well, they were right but I wiped before I crammed it in there but George Snerdley, COME ON DOWN you’re the next contestant about to learn Joe’s secrets.”

Snerdley comes on down, running over a Pinkerton on his smoke break plus a couple of octagenarians in their wheelchairs. His gut is one great big Jello-in-motion running down the Colosseum steps, eager to learn before the Super Bowl comes to Mudlark Stadium in 2023.

“Awwwwwright. So Joe, where you from?”

“Right here in Milford.”

“Awwwwwwwwwrrrrriggghtttt, I’ll bet he’ll be easy to teach how to kick one straight through the chute, these Mudlarks get it right the first time, whattya think, audience?”

WE THINK CAROL MERRILL WILL BE BUSY RETRIEVING BALLS OUT OF THE NET, JOE

“I thought so too, people. So George, tell us a little about yourself.”

“Well, I’m married, there’s my wife in the 27th row, the one with the “Gil on his Motorbike” tattoo on her left boob (YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY) , I have two children, both grown, one was not able to be here today, in fact, he’s in the cell block next door to Mr. Bader, but the other one’s an engineer for Dow Chemical right here in Milford. And I travel, I’m a salesman for Milford International Tire Company. We sell industrial tires to many companies in many companies. We do a heckuva lot of business overseas.”

“REALLY!!! Where are you going this week?”

“Oh, they’re setting up a coal mining operation in Lichtenstein. I’m supposed to be at the Grand Opening of Vaduz Black Beauty Mine #23 next week. A couplke of C-130’s and we’ll keep their coal trucks happy” proudly grabbing his crotch with glee.

Joe, shooting a 1/100,000 second dirty look at Camera #3 for the unplanned obtrusive Crotch Shot, continues

“Wellllll, people, he’s a busy man, isn’t he?”

SOUNDS LIKE HE PUMPS MONEY INTO THE GNP OF BOTSWANA AND SURINAM, JOE!!!!!!!!

“He sure does. All right, I noticed you brought your brother along.”

“This is Mel.”

“Mel, how long have you had that one tooth inb your mpouth?”

“Ever since I got in a brawl at the Milford Lounge 10 years ago. Told Jerry Pulver he was a selfish egotistical piece of slime who hogged the ball just to set a scoring record. The rest of the team should have just sat down and watched. He didn’t take a liking to it and the next thing you know, several people got arrested but I decked him pretty hard and got out of Milford Prison Camp after only two months on good behavior.”

“Ooooooooookkkkkk, hopefully, the same thing’ll never happen at The Bucket. So now, are you going to be George’s holder?”

“Sure am.”

Joe throws out a few phony chuckles that the audience can tell is fake since Joe was reading from the wrong cue card. The real cue card got mixed up with Johnny Olson”s Next Contestant index card

“Well, it was either that or Carol Merrill and somebody’s gotta go get ’em unless you wanna catch ’em with your tooth.”

GO FOR IT MEL

“Whoaaaaaaa, audience, he’ll puncture the balls and he might get headaches from all the banging around.”

TAKE A GOODY’S POWDER MEL

“WAIT A MINUTE, isn’t that Mel Tillis’ line on The Ralph Emery Show?”

WHOOPS GOOD POINT JOE

“Thank you, studio audience. Thought I was losing my mind” as the plastic laughter from the studio audience and the canned laughter are Synchronized Swimming in motion. Gold Medal if I ever saw one.

“ALL RIGHT George and Mel, ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL…”

 

If ya fail at kicking a pigskin after ya’ve tried 1,574,785 times and ya just say the Hell with it and ya go down to Milford Sportsman’s Club and use it as a clay pigeon, ya might be a redneck.

 

O.J. on the “Milford Community Comment” show

“Man, I fed that dude some Cheerios and next hting you know, he literally shoots through the roof.”

 

 

“Well, you almost made it. Sorry, Johnny Olson, we didn’t mean to spill your coffee on your P.A. system. Now, remember, George, look it all the way in…”

 

Marty, jamming to “On The Silent Wings Of Freedom” by Yes over the speakers on the Milford Transit Authority mini-bus, much to Gertrude DeWindt’s annoyance who is riding up front, nearly T-bones the Mudlar-K-Cola truck crawling out of the Milford Lounge. Gertrude smashes her head into the plastic guard that partitions her from Marty. Plastic shards are everywhere.

“Don’t let bus drivers who let Classic Rock distract them from that Union Pacific barreling down the track. Call The Shark today and get the money you deserve.”

“Marty got his license revoked for two months and I received just compensation for my loss. They even replaced the Rent-a-Boyfriend model and even paid for his funeral expenses. Now, I not only have this in my possession (displaying $546,263,689, x 10^5 check) , but my new boyfriend I got free from Milford Rent-All is even sexier. He could give a few pointers at the Milford Men’s Clinic Symposium. Mudlark Lake Resort here we come, the El Dorado of sex retreats.”

Heard in background, a split-second after testimonial

“Nice job, Mrs. DeWindt. You read the teleprompter perfect.”

“If you’ve been in an accident with a Roadway or an antelope, call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. One call, that’s all.”

Thanks to Mary Simpson of Jeffersontown, Kentucky who helped me with the comedy idea above. Your Christian faith inspires me and I enjoyed talking to you the other day. Your ideas prove how intelligent you are and I like your getting about and about. You’ve made a difference in people’s lives. I will be praying for you because you’ve made a difference in mine. God bless you.

 

Ooooooooookkkkkkk, you finally got it through the uprights. But I’m not going to make this an easy exit. I’ll give you a Peyton Manning autographed Denver Broncos jersey, Luke Bunkin’s jock strap he wore in the Playdown Final where he made the game-saving tackle, a gold-plated Mudlark-Heather Burns-Signature helmet and mouthpiece that Carol Merrill is now wearing AND $5000 to call off the deal.”

NO!!! NO!!!! DON’T DO IT!!!!!!!!

DO IT!!!!!! LUKE’S SWEAT IS SEXY!!!!!!!!

PEYTON RULES!!!!!!!!!!

HEATHER RULES!!!!!!!!!

PEYTON SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

HEATHER SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LIKE THE WAY CAROL MERRILL MOVES THAT MOUTHPIECE BACK AND FORTH

Last outburst contributed by  Mel Snerdley, amazing what a man can exclaim with one tooth

TAKE THE MONEY!!!!!!!!!!

DOOR #3!!!!!!!!!! DOOR #3!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Vote now in the next 30 minutes and you’ll get Joe’s punting cleats, shoestrings included, all for 29.99. Oh, did we forget to mention that Joe is throwing in the Official 2018 NFL Rule Book ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!!!!!!! But you gotta call within the next few minutes to take of advantage of this ridiculously generous offer that Joe had to send a person in concrete shoes down Mudlark Lake to get approved. Operators are standing by.

Don’t wait. CALL NOW!!!!!”

 

Gang, have at it. I’ll leave you with Yes’s “Rejoice” off of “Tormato.” I humbly hope you’ll agree that this sum things up at this juncture

 

Sitting in a stupid God-knows-where

Hashing out the verbiage, talking like true idiots

Kaz is mired in a patchy fog, I swear

Football plot is killing us, Bolek is a minion

 

And we’re not even Close To The Edge

 

Hey Guys

Bye Bye

Till tomorrow

 

See ya

Be the

Lack of sorrow

 

Killing us with silly politics and lunacy

Challenging our intelligence

My o My

It’s no wonder why they can’t win a game or two

There’s no course for competence

Wiping out our innocence

 

Reject

All the things we’ve seen

Gil should abandon ship

It goes ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round

Until it lifts its bow again

 

Reject

Ditch this plot right now

Cut its throat, and how

It goes ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round and…

 

October 6, 2018

Milford is up Shit Creek

Filed under: actual action, football, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Marty Moon, Milford Idiots — robmize2013 @ 3:43 pm

First of all – sorry for my delinquincy yesterday– combination of busy day and lack of motivation to do this storyline.. but I’m back today so here goes.

So here’s what we have so far:

  1. Tiki Jansen transfered from another school, played cornerback the first game, and is now the new safety, replacing ..?
  2. Sam Finn is the best punter but they cant find another long snapper so he’s it.
  3. Freddy Malouf was the punter the first game and is out, replaced by #4.
  4.  Mike Filion, who is also the starting QB and will give punting a try.
  5.  Joe Bolek, former competent punter somewhere who doesnt want to play but may try.

And we’re only in Week 2!!

So we may possibly have 3 different guys punt in 3 games, if Fillion is bad and Bolek suits up next week. And Punter # 4 would be Finn in Week 4; at this rate the game would be in November.

Anyone else roaming the hallways they can ask? Good God almighty. Its so laughable it makes me cry. They might as well put a huge sign on the wall:

WANTED: PUNTER> NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY. APPLY ANYWHERE OUTSIDE A CLASSROOM. DEADLINE: CHRISMAS.

Holy crap.

All this time Finn is the guy to do it but the dildos cant find another long snapper! Jesus, have the damn regular center snap during practice and you’re good to go. How much time are we gonna spend on this assinine situation? What the hell are they doing during practice? We already broached the idea of a soccer player helping out but its fallen on deaf ears. 3 morons sit in front of a computer and marvel at the new ‘software’ but they dont have a damn brain between them!

I’m figuring the final answer is, yep, Tiki Jansen. But god the taffy pull to get to it. 5 punters in 1 season! And they have so many other issues besides this one. If theyre anywhere near a solid team, the punter wouldnt matter much anyway.

To the strip: Love how Jansen the new safety is playing 50 yards behind everyone else. I guess Gil said defend the goal line no matter where everyone else is. Doh.

Another idea if Fillion is half decent at punting is trying a quick kick from the regular formation once in a while when theyre in 3rd and very long. But no way do they think of that one. It actually works most of the time because nobodys back that far on defense for the kick if theyre playing a normal dime.

I’m going out on a limb and saying Milford will have more punters then victories this year. Any takers?

 

 

 

October 2, 2018

Where’s Punter B.?

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I’d like to tell you

Love to tell you

That we’ve got one in the bag

 

But cannot tell you

May not tell you

That Kaz tried but caught a dirty rag

 

And so this storyline drags and drags

Our hopes are dashed and flags and flags

I grab a spitoon and gag and gag

 

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Would be nice if he’d kick before basketball

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Maybe Kaz gets lucky ‘fore end of Fall

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Margin for error now runs rather small

 

(Ben Folds booming on piano)

Here, Boy,  Hey, Punter

HEY PUNTER, WHERE YOU BEEN?

 

Are we EVER going to talk football or is P3 a tribute to Siskel and Ebert?

“Coach Kaz gives ‘Invasion of Milford on The Planet of the Apes’ a thumbs up while Joe Bolek gives it a thumbs down.”

“I thought Roddy McDowall’s return as Caesar was unconvincing.His conversations with Gil a bit far-fetched.”

“Yes, but Joe, you have to explore the depths of the tete-a-tete that is transpiring. Nobody is saying, certainly I’m not, that an ape talking to a man is an everyday occurrence. But the camaraderie that develops, especially when Coach Thorp treats all the apes to a Bucket Brat ‘n’ Sauerkraut Combo, including a Mudlar-K-Cola of your choice, convinced me that this movie is worth the time, climaxing in Aldo becoming the special teams coach which is pivotal as the Mudlarks sail one through the uprights thanks to a key adjustment by Aldo (“Don’t use your heel to kick, horses do that!!!!!!!!!”) which helps Milford go on to win the game and ease the transition into basketball.”

“I don’t know, Coach Kaz, watching Caesar’s son try to stuff a mouth guard in his embouchure, not to mention how to maneuver the cup properly to protect the family jewels and create more apes to invade Milford left me wanting something more. Much more.”

 

If ya is got yore camouflage all over yore face, shoulders, thorax, abdoman, arms, elbows, wrists, fingers, fingernails, toenails (cuz yore wife took the nail polish when she left to go back to her mother the last time) , thighs, shins, hamstrings, feet, ankles, insteps, and, last but certainly not least, yore gluteus maximus, cuz ya is ready with yore high-powered shotgun that could shoot the ears off an elephant and carry it from the Milford Fish & Wildlife Area to Africa in record time to find a punter ta nail down, ya might be a redneck.

 

And Gene Rayburn is chompin’ at the bit to aid and abet in the cause to crucify Gil on Match Game 2018. Go to it, Gene.

Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW   DUMB   WAS  SHE???????) , she thought a punter used his ________________ to kick a field goal.

 

Things are getting pretty serious in Mudlarkland when the Topic of the Day, in this case the need for a punter to keep the strip from facing extinction, its status “Critical” at this point, when Kaz and Gil are in an intimate conversation over Maxwell House and fingers. Guessin’ Milford Donut Solutions was catering at the Fraternal Order of Police Convention at the Milford Expo Center.

And, gang, okay, shoot me (aaaaaaa, better not, I’m a coward) but I’m dippin’ into the good ol’ days when Berrill, sure Gil looked like the third member of the Everly Brothers but liked coaching more than singing (and wasn’t about to stack up against Elvis), at least created Gil with a sense of surefootedness as a result. Berrill made him a beacon in the storm.

NOW he looks like a young Marcus Welby just about to finish up his residency. Heck, his apparel is LOUDLY sending that message. He looks like Eddie Haskell going to Indiana University Medical School. “Nah, Beaver, you dope, don’t grip the forceps on his wiener so TIGHT!!!” Unclear whether he is going to talk about punters or navel hernia surgical procedures. Insert them in your article for the Milford Medical Journal, Dr. Welby, er, Gil, nobody’ll notice. Nobody’s reading about either one at this juncture anyway.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Ben Folds Denies Rumors Alice Childress Interested In Punting Job!!!!”

sub headline

“She just kicked someone in the nuts one time when a jerk tried to come on too strong and grab her upper body. That doesn’t make her a punter!!!!!!!”

 

Shout-out to Daisy’s in New Albany, Indiana. Great food, great service (always quick to pick up your plate when finished) , plus a dinner buffet and a salad buffet and an ice cream fountain (self serve!!!!) AND a drink of your choice for way less than $20, I’d say I’m gettin’ a good deal. Factor in all the good meals from meat loaf to fish to chicken and LOTS of sides at reasonable prices, man, you gotta come on down if you’re in the area.

Gang, you need a place where everybody knows your name, Support small business. They make America great.

 

Interlude

Maybe they will talk about the movie “Bambi”

or something along the lines of “Tora! Tora! Tora!”

 

Sorry, Ben, mighta added an extra syllable on that interlude. Don’t hold it against me, LOVE your music, Big Guy, always have.

 

Tried to warn you

Tried to tell you

That Coach Kaz was out of luck

 

Now they’re talking

And still stalking

For any one who gives a F—

 

They’re plowing this one dead in the mud

They still can’t grasp this one’s a dud

They may as well choose Elmer Fudd

 

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Gil and Kaz really should check in the files

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Eons with Sanka, might be a while

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Swift solution, that’s not their style

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Last punter missed by a mile

(Ben Folds REALLY booms the pointlessness of this plot, had to throw in an extra $100 just to get him to perform this at this decibel, or at all)

Yo Elmer, Hey, Punter

HEY PUNTER WHERE YOU BEEN?

 

Oh, Leatherdick, you’ve had a hard day at the office. It’s time to have another hard time, this one in bed.”

“That’s LEATHERSTOCKING, Honeye. Just cuz I have been out 2200 miles don’t mean it was all that bad. The Ponye Express ridere gave me a lift along the waye, from KC to Columbus, Ohio.”

“Leatherdick, isn’t that the OTHER waye? I thought they went out weste.”

Understanding what Pepperminte Pattye goes through when Marcie calls PP “Sir”

“The name’s ‘Leatherstocking’!!!!!!!! And the Ponye Express expanded a few routes and a couple of decades.”

“Oh, Leatherdick, the important thing is you are home. Why don’t we make ourselves comfy by the old oaken couch in the living room and cuddle up to a nice warm fire?”

“Ay, forsooth, I still must fix the plumbing in the bathroom. The toilete’s stopped up again.”

“Dear, we have an outhouse.”

Not missing a beat as why Leatherstocking was popularized by Fenimore Cooper

“Yes, but crickets and roaches run rampant around the toilete and it’s hard to flush with all that vermin. And it’s too late in the night to buy any Sani-Flushe at the Milfordshire General Store.”

“It’s also the dead of winter. Not too many mole cricket’s running around the toilet paper dispenser.”

Leatherstocking forgot to bring his Benjamin Rush’s Field Guide to Nature, having left it on the bar stoole at the Milfordshire Lounge so he is at a loss to name any more critters

“C’mon, let’s play some funkye music, White Boye. I’ve already thrown a couple of logs  in to keep the fire going. Now all’s I need is ANOTHER log to light a fire and THIS ONE doesn’t come from a sugar maple tree.”

“Did you cut down the pin oak tree by the horse stable? I know it could crush our log cabin in 2 seconds, Cayuga Standard Time, but it’s stood the test of time for 500 years, since right before The Plague.”

“Noooooo, this log is not made of wood even though it’s in dire need of warming up before it dies in the snow and becomes humus.”

Well, Honey, I don’t know  of too many logs not made out of wood unless Fenimore owns a Plex-Glass nurserye near the Iroquois village. But that won’t arrive until the DuPonts found the State of Delaware.”

Smacks foreheade

“There’s the petrified forest!!!”

“Well, um, yeah, I’d like to get stoned, especially by the fireplace. Wouldn’t that just be SEXY???”

“Darlin’, ain’t no way I’m goin’ down to Arizona and pick a coupla stones to satisfy your horniness. The Milford Adulte Shoppe will open 8:00 sharp in the morning. Arizona ain’t until 1912 and the Navajos told me the other day when I was in Houston on an Outdoor Seminar at the Astrodome that they were using all stones of any kind to construct Route 66.”

She loses patience and cuts to the chase

“Dear, I want to have sexe with you by the fireplace. I’ll even go out with you in the outhouse if it’ll  just get me that romantic moment.”

“Well, why didn’t you say so? I think a FedEx landau can get some aphrodisiac cheap in New Brunswick and get it absolutely, positively by noon tomorrow. Is it too late to call?”

 

“Even tough guys who befriend the Indians and live the rugged life to the point where they char-broil raccoons need to ‘fess up to their problems. Mine was harder than a rock but when I took my Conestoga wagon down to Milfordshire Men’s Clinicke, I got the answers I needed to restore my intimacy with my wife. Now we Rocke and Rolle so much, she never notices the praying mantises chewing on her butte when we get it on in the outhouse. And sexe by the fireplace ain’t bad either and there’s no cobwebs in the blankets like there is in the corners of the outhouse. Man, that’s some good screwin’. Oops, Better watch it, the Quaker Society is listening and is one of our sponsors. Anyway, check ’em today and let ‘er rip. What have you got to lose but your virginity and your scalp?”

 

Gang, it’s your turn. Get you some freshly-brewed Maxwell House Decaf Special Blend Colombian Roasted Freshly Produced From The Slaves Of Some Third World Country That’ll Induce Dylan And Baez To Stage A Concert To Promote Awareness Of Aforementioned Problem. Me, I like Hills Brothers but will grab what I can. Jump into the Masterpiece Theater and put your 2 bits worth with Gil and Kaz on the Punter Question.

 

“Ohhhhhhh, Marty, you are just having your way with me!!! I’ve never had it like this before!!!!”

“Peaches, I’m still DRIVING!!!!!!! You’re on Bus #7757, the Teddy Roosevelt Model, a real rough-riding son of a bitch!!!!!”

“Does that mean you forgot to go to the Clinic this week after I sent you on a honeydew to get some milk?”

Thanks to Jack McDonald of Clarksville, Indiana, for his contribution to the last story. He gets a shout-out because at 90, he still gets out and lives, making him look much younger. He was also a race car driver and a damn good one in his day, with SEVERAL trophies to up his game. I salute you, Jack.

 

I can’t stand this

Hardly bear this

Seeking signs for better days

 

Sink my head low

For this sideshow

Can’t Kaz grasp there’s other ways

 

Now cram this farce into a crate

Get with the program, don’t be late

And ship this crap on a yacht to Kuwait

 

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

How much more must we endure

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Not sailing from A to Z, fer sure

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

I’ve learned more form museum tours

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

The fruit needs more time to mature.

 

Where’s the want ads

Hey Punter

HEY PUNTER WHERE THE HELL YOU BEEN

 

As Ben Folds leaves Gil and Kaz in the (I assume) office…but at least the last line and the song in general was a catharsis.

 

MUDLARK HAS KILLED MUDLARK, MUDLARK HAS KILLED MUDLARK…

Oops, that was in “Battle for Milford on The Planet of the Apes”. My bad.

September 25, 2018

And Gil Screams Eiffel Tower High

092518

Awwwwwwwwww. Gil is in utter disbelief as his team is virtually getting railroaded. No doubt the Oakwood coach did call a time out but us Thorpiverse veterans are used to not holding our breaths when the Mudlark finishes the Mudlark Marathon run from Athens, Greece (where the Olympics all began) to Milford (well, the plot’s always a marathon, anyway) and beats the rest of the world by 2 days, 29 hours, 34 seconds, 1/456 microseconds, lapping France, Kenya, Sudetenland, Maldives (appaently training techniques suck, such as bad nutrition, i.e., dearth of Special K, Lucky Charms, apples, oranges, limes. uglis, mangos, beets, onions, borscht, prunes, etc.) et al only to find out he was disqualified because he skipped the Strait of Magellan when he was negotiating his way from the Atlantic to the Pacific. We’re resigned to our fate, thankful for the day when every ONCE IN A BLUE MOON they win SOMETHING. Nope, gang, Charlie Brown and his band of merry losers can keep on losing and build eternal character along the way and still keep its readership going. Not so in the world of Thorpiverse. Win SOMETHING, preferably a State Championship (Normally that’s wisely the case) or watch EVERYBODY switch over to Dagwood (technically Blondie).  A Doug Flutie like Miracle Bomb from the Strait of Magellan to the other end zone will have subscribers for life.

“Marino heaves a torpedo from 99 yards for the game TOUCHDOWN MILFORD. There’s an injury time out as the explosion caused mass destruction and the game can’t end on a natural disaster but the Mudlarks will likely win as De Windt, though blown in two, still managed to hang on and keep one foot in bounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Plus, everybody else got blown sky high!!!!!!!!!!”

If that doesn’t spike subscription sales, Marty Moon’s an astronaut.

 

And if Gil’s frown doesn’t prove that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, nothing will. That arc on his visage is the route you would negotiate through the Alps from Milano, Italia to Innsbruck, Osterreich. You forgot the Simplon Tunnel, Thorpiverse, assuming it’s nearby. Or just pick your favorite Deutscher Kaiser or Pope and attach an appelation to it. Make this fun.

Then there’s the fashion statement the referee is making. Time was, a referee might get yelled at by the Milford die-hards but  THE BLACK AND WHITE was wider in the stripes. Now, they got that look that Jordache is after. They’ll be hitting the runway at the modeling show at the Milford Expo Center after the game. At least there they’ll get cheered at.

 

Gang, wouldn’t you JUST ONCE love to see Coach Thorp do a tarantella when he gets waxed like he’s getting in P1? Granted, throwing a chair out on the field might not travel far in the natural grass and the field has bigger dimensions than a basketball court. But the worst I have seen from Coach Thorp the last 60 years are some Egyptian symbols (planet, ibis, North Star, pound sign, pyramid, etc.) out of some Sphinx somewhere along the Nile but I personally would like to see more animation and violent tempers and it starts with P1 in today’s strip. C’mon, Gil, you can do better than that. Scream so that Bulgaria can hear you, yell if the refs got their license out of a Trix box, say something about their mothers, they all have one, throw a helmet or a shoulder pad or a jock strap out on the field, ANYTHING to get ejected. Okay, Unsportsmanlike Conduct for throwing some player’s smelly piece of apparel is breaking precedent but the punting team has botched the snap several times, the referees are killing you and all you can manage is a Smiley face going the wrong way?  I hope the expression isn’t permanently welded. That might cause problems when you, Mimi and family do a family portrait at Milford Studios.

I do gotta admire the Nerfball sailing through the uprights at the Milford Observatory. The Oreo background makes for great atmosphere.

 

Walking toward the football field

He surely knows where to go

He slaps on his ‘phones

And puts on a show

Feasting on Gil’s fecklessness

And reckless leadership

And that Gil don’t give a shit.

 

He struts into the broadcast booth

He’s been there ever since

He strolls down to concessions

For a box of Junior Mints

Whooooaaaaaaa

Talking ’bout the game at hand

Thrashing Coach Thorp into sand

We’ll shout at Moon and demand

Try to get his attention

Scream at him

And we’ll scream, we’ll scream, we’ll scream

 

And we’ll scream Marty Eiffel Tower Highhhhhhhhhhh

And we’ll scream Marty Eiffel Tower Highhhhhhhhhhh

And we’ll scream Marty Eiffel Tower Highhhhhhhhhhh

And we’ll scream Marty Eiffel Tower Highhhhhhhhhhh

And we’ll scream Marty Eiffel Tower Highhhhhhhhhhh

And we’ll scream Marty Eiffel Tower Highhhhhhhhhhh

And we’ll scream Marty Eiffel Tower Highhhhhhhhhhh

And we’ll scream Marty Eiffel Tower Highhhhhhhhhhh

And we’ll scream Marty Eiffel Tower Highhhhhhhhhhh

And we’ll scream Marty Eiffel Tower Highhhhhhhhhhh

And we’ll scream Marty Eiffel Tower Highhhhhhhhhhh

And we’ll scream Marty Eiffel Tower Highhhhhhhhhhh

And we’ll scream Marty Eiffel Tower Highhhhhhhhhhh

And we’ll scream Marty Eiffel Tower Highhhhhhhhhhh

And we’ll scream Marty Eiffel Tower Highhhhhhhhhhh

And we’ll scream Marty Eiffel Tower Highhhhhhhhhhh

And we’ll scream Marty Eiffel Tower Highhhhhhhhhhh

And we’ll scream Marty Eiffel Tower Highhhhhhhhhhh

And we’ll scream Marty Eiffel Tower Highhhhhhhhhhh

And we’ll scream MARTY EIFFEL TOWER HIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

I may have missed a verse or two. You might want to check me on that one. Also, thanks to Mimi Thorp for belting out the last verse and proving a suitable replacement for Grant Hart. We know she’s busy with her basketball team. She’ll be even busier this year as the conference upped the schedule by one game. How she finds time to sweat through a five-game schedule and rock with one of the best in the business and still find time for the kids and Gil (well, in bed, anyway) is nothing short of amazing. Scripts have a way of easing up the logjam.

 

If yore face got permanently contorted cuz that shot of Jack came straight from the well outta some corn field somewhar and ya wind up as a Witch Doctor Exhibit at the Milford Museum, ya might be a redneck.

“And Coach T’s inept coaching strikes again. That pouty gargoyle mien won’t save his ass this time. We’ll be back to wrap things up in a moment. The final score, Oakwood, 31, Milford, 28. You’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

Coach Shaw is reading The Saturday Evening Post. He’s doing the “Where Do You Think You Are?” section. It’s all the Milfords in all the different states and he’s already figured out Milford, Delaware, Milford, Connecticut, Milford, Pennsylvania, and Milford Indiana, but can’t figure the state Milford, as in Mudlarks, comes from. (“It’s only 5 kilometers to Oakwood?”) While he’s wrestling with an Angel on this one

“Hi, Honey, I have a surprise!!!!!!!!”

“Wow, DO YOU EVER!!!!!!! I’m trying to solve this knotty problem. How many ‘k’s in ‘Mudlarkia’?”

“Darling, how can you indulge in one of Benjamin Franklin’s pastimes at a time like this when I have something in my possession that will alter your life?”

“You finally bought them mag wheels for my Dodge Durango? Wow, I’ll be the envy of my hunting buddies. Them raccoons will get their rings knocked off from all that glitter.”

“Nooooooooooooo.”

“Did my mail-order sawed off Winchester arrive today?”

“Nooooooooooooo.”

“Daggone it, I need to call the Milford FedEx office. It was shipped Tuesday. It’s already Friday. Looks like I get free shipping on my gun anyway.”

“I have something else that’s free.”

“Honey, you know they don’t run specials on deer tags. That’ll be the day.”

“Nope. Time’s up. Ta-daaaaaaaaaaa”

Shaw’s wife pops in the living room in a black bikini.

Shaw drops the Saturday Evening Post in the magazine rack between Field and Stream and Milford Outdoors Today

“Gloopy glop, um, I think I’ll head down to the Milford Public Library. I bet they’d know about Mudlarkia.”

“Uh, It’s Saturday and it’s 6:00PM and I think they’re closed.”

“Blippy bloop. That’s what you think (Coach Shaw recovering as fast as his brain can process the information) . I heard they were having a bake sale and handing out free cupcakes if you can read 500 Louis L’Amours in an hour. Shoot, the way he uses guns and kills off the bad guy in the end, it’s the same old same old. No Martin Charley Horse or whatever the name Dickens called him to contend with, let alone get on his hands and knees down at the Milford Shelter House beggin’ Oliver Twist for oatmeal and onion rings. Nope, bang, bang, take that you slimeball bank robber, you cain’t run off from Fort Knox with 500 tons of gold in your Conestoga Wagon. Louis’ll shoot you dead if ya don’t watch out. Them cupcakes is as good as in my belly.”

“The library has that many books on one person?”

“Oh, Hell, yeah. Then some lucky winner, if he/she can guess the State Flower, the State Motto, the State Flag, and the Admission Date of Mudlarkia will win a whole chocolate cake. I might have trouble with the last one since I don’t remember when the Carpetbaggers entered into our state but I’m pretty sure it was before the Gettysburg Address but just after the Wilmot Proviso.”

“Dear, why don’t we skip the history lesson and make our own history. We’ll do the 21-gun salute.”

“Because we might have run out of ammo?”

His wife caught off guard for the moment, Coach Shaw gets back on the offensive

“And if we read ‘The Positronic Man’ by Asimov before midnight, we get a $50 Gift Card to Milford Donut Solutions. I can taste those custard-filled chocolate long johns mow. Umm, umm.”

“I’ve never known you to read Science Fiction.”

“I read Clifford Simak and Ray Bradbury right before Game Film sessions. I can break down an opponent’s defense right after devouring ‘Fahrenheit 451’. AND the coop de grass is the drawing for the 2018 Chevy Blazer 4-Wheel Drive. It drivews through snow, salt water, sleet, ice, lichens, earthquake faults, Bavarian Alps, gneiss, permafrost, polar ice caps-”

“Polar ice caps? We’re nowhere near the North or South Pole. We’re in the State of Mudlarkia, remember? We’re practically across the Atlantic for the Bahamas, silly.”

“Blubby, blubby, there’s some snow that never melted at the Milford Wildlife area that the caribou dumped a load on and preserved for several months. If you’re not careful, you could drive your Blazer into the swamp and get eaten by crocodiles.”

“Caribou and crocs in the same refuge?”

“And all I have to do to be eligible for the drawing is read ‘Last of the Mohicans’ in Chinese before the cock crows twice.”

“Honey, you don’t KNOW any Chinese.”

“That’s what YOU think. I have this IBM Word Processor that can translate faster than you can say Rosenthal’s Methods for German. And it’s even been broken down into Cantonese, Mandarin, and Shikoku, in case the judges try to pull a fast one.”

“Isn’t the last one Japanese?”

Ignoring last slight, clinging desperately to his sexual barrenness

“And don’t you need batteries for the translator?”

One last stab

“Hell, I’ll get ’em down at Milford Electronics. It says right here, now where’d it go, ah, here it is, right under one of the electrodes ‘can…’, damn this Vietnamese can be a pain to read, only someone from the Gnomemobile can read it, ‘…only…be…special-…orderdered…send…SASE…'”

Coach Shaw looks up.

His wife is smiling in victory.

 

“It’s like Louis being surrounded by Black Bart and his gang without any bullets in his gun. You can’t have a happy ending in his novels if the supply office at Fort Leavenworth or Fort Cheyenne failed to order the right guns and ammo in time. We might still be using tomahawks. But at the Milford Men’s Clinic, you can shoot straight without any fear of the Dalton Gang spoiling your wedding. You can get married, get it on in bed that night, free from anyone crashing the party. With treatment programs that work, isn’t it time your wim-wim got the proper medicine and stood and be counted so that Louis can get that 1,345,586th novel he’s been working on? Don’t let Louis go the way of John Wilkes Booth and let him fight his way out of the barn. You’ll be glad you did.”

Gang, have at it. I don’t know which Art Deco bus I’m riding in, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

 

In Gil’s Living Room Decor

“Kaz, Shaw was listening to ‘Saturday Night Fever’ over the speakers, wasn’t he?”

“How’d you know, Gil?”

“There’s toilet paper forming a 540 degree angle from the shower stall to the film screen.”

August 28, 2018

This Isn’t Funny Anymore

Filed under: ?, Birch River CC, CC's, freak hands, Gil Thorp, golf, Just plain sad, metapost — tdrewhardin @ 3:14 pm

082818

Gang, it looks as if Gil took the sure out instead of the questionable tho more helpful double play. This tournament coulda been called the “Miller Lite Everybody On The Planet And The Other Planets In The Solar System Plus The Members Of The Major Galaxies Is Welcome To Tee Off In Our Tournament Except Two Golf Clubs Who I’ll Hold Nameless But They Know Who They Are And I Don’t Want ANY Losers And Assholes Who Don’t Know Shit From A Black Hole About Ethics To Be In Our Sandbox Invitational”. Nope, Gil pursued the trite road and employed the Keep It Sane, Shithead method. Coach, if you can’t get even a whiff more original with your nomenclature, can we just hit the brakes and fast forward to the football plot? If you’re going to DRAG this one so that it overlaps with pigskin season, you might next time hit the Milford Public Library and check out Roget’s Thesaurus.

 

 

Okay, gang, Gene Rayburn is ready to play Match Game 2018 again so sharpen your wits and see if you’re up to the challenge

Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW    DUMB   WAS  SHE?????????????), she thought she would lose her ___________ when she entered Gil’s Tournament.

 

Based upon a Twilight Zone episode I watched with relish (WALLACE V. WHIPPLE RULES!!!!!!!!)

 

Gil comes back from the Gil Thorp Benson & Hedges Pro-Am Open, unlocks the door to his office and discovers the Lost in Space robot sitting in his desk.

“What are YOU doing here?”

“I’m finishing up those physicals that need to be turned into the State Athletic Association by the end of the month. Since “Golf Story” is Held Over for another week at the Milford Bijou, SOMEBODY needed to put it on their shoulders to get them completed. and mine are made of titanium.”

“You have no business in my chair!! Now get out!!”

“Sorry, Coach, or shall I say even as I compute, ex-Coach, The school has undergone significant transformations.”

“We’ll see. I’m going to talk to Dr. Pearl about this.”

“You haven’t heard?”

__________________________________________________________________________________

Gil opens door and barges in. Gee, if you possess Arrogance of Power, a precious commodity in this strip the last 60 years, to stage a bad golf plot, whoops, “Golf Story-‘Where do I begin? To tell a story  that’s so sickeningly thin…'” is it REALLY necessary to KNOCK?

“Dr. Pearl, I need to talk to you. Whose brilliant idea was it to stick a robot in my chair? I’m going to call the police after they  engineer that meth bust at Milford Men’s Club–”

Notices R2D2 in what used to be Dr. Pearl’s chair. She forgot to take her Dr. Scholl Butt-E-Z seat cushion and R2D2 is livin’ large.

“Who the #%^&*@!+< are You?”

REEPEEROOPEERAPPELDAPPELPEEKEEFEEKEE

“R2!!!!! That is no way to address Coach Thorp!!! Just because he was voted out as coach doesn’t give you the right to tell him he couldn’t fuggin’ coach his way out of Dumbo the Elephant’s diaper bag!!!!!!!”

SKIPPEEBLIPPEETOTEMSCROTUMFLAKEEWACKY

“And I REALLY don’t appreciate your telling him his mother could do a better job with Wilson and Tony with clubs from the rebar pile at Milford Foundry!!!!! Oh, I’m so terribly sorry, Coach. Those Nacho Fries he ate at Taco Bell is really contorting the wires in his system. I hope you land that job as a chassis assembler at Milford Toyota. Have they called?”

___________________________________________________________________

“Gil, I just found out myself. we were hosting a backyard Bar-B-Q for the Milford Civitan Club when a man in a pin-stripe suit showed up. It didn’t appear he was wanting a Pulled Pork Pit sandwich and Amish potato salad on his Chinet plate with a Mudlar-K-Cream Red Soda. The Board voted you out but buy a narrower margin.”

 

 

Gil, Who the HELL is this woman in P2?

If Gil were a TV show and we watched the intro

The “Ironsides” theme blaring out of one of the speakers in the drive-in section of The Bucket, we see different scenes from Gil encouraging (?) a player in a basketball game to Mimi having a tender moment with Gil on the verandah, toasting with their glasses of Ovaltine, from the Down With Marty mob in the bleachers at a Milford HS tennis match (shoehorned in to look more like a Communist bloc) to an actual classroom scene where students are conjugating the verb “to masturbate” in Coach Kaz’s Latin 103 class, we see the credits evenly distributed on on the screen

 

Don Everly as Gil Thorp

Christie Brinkley as Mimi Thorp

Gary Coleman as Jamie Thorp

Susan Olson as Keri Thorp

Mr. T as Coach Kaz

Minnie Pearl as Dr. Pearl

George Jones as Coach Shaw

and introducing

Wilma Flintstone as the Lady Who Stands In Front Of The Birch River Country Club Property Because She Didn’t Pay Her Yearly Dues Because She Had To Pay Her Cable Bill

 

I mean, this plotline is getting desperate. Gil and Wilma, I hate to break this one to you but SCHOOL JUST STARTED for a lot of school systems around the country. Where did these families go on vacation? Sure, they got a discount to climb the Neuschwanstein Castle at Disneyworld and they’re living high off the hog (“Where’s the kitchen?”-“Daddy, Petey’s gotta go bad”, “I know, Honey, they told me the rest room was in the third tower, second door on the right”). But, Hey, the other families are rooted in reality and should make the Tournament if the traffic is okay.

But as long as we’re one happy family around here and we can beat Snidely Whiplash and his sons in the tournament, if they’re allowed to participate and in P3.53, Gil is evidently taking his golf clubs and going home, and make this an annual event like we’ve been doing for 60ish years, Communism will stay on the other side of the pond. The Milford Country Club might still have crab grass but Wilma can always call the Chem-Lawn man. BTW, Wilma, it’s amazing what age progression can do.

 

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Mudlar-K-Orange-Cola truck drives psycho oil rig off Milford Palisades!!!!!”

sub headline

“The hero, Ferd Grantham,to be given Key to the City in special ticker-tape parade tomorrow.”

 

Gang, I LOVE Husker Du just as much as Tori Amos and Todd Rundgren so don’t be surprised to see me drawing from the well SEVERAL times from this Minneapolis trio. Might as well start somewhere

 

You can alter the script if you want

You can butcher it all to Hell

Throw logic out the door

Crack our sanity like peanut shells

 

It’s not funny anymorrrrreeeeee

It’s not funny

Anymore

 

You can write any plot you want

Stage tournaments when you damn well please

Don’t worry about when it ends

Even if the readers are begging on their knees

 

Marty Moon doing that interlude on his ukulele. Bob Mould he isn’t, gang, but you like variety, don’t you? Yeah, thought so.

 

It’s not funny anymorrrrreeeeee

It’s not funny

Anymore

 

Fight your foes to The Living End

This plot veering where the Hell it wants to go

Just ignore the wretching you hear from us

We’ll be dying of Thorpiverse vertigo

 

Marty breaks a string and the sound alters, “Land Speed Record” comers to mind so at least we’re not skipping a beat

 

It’s not funny anymorrrrreeeee

It’s not funny

Anymore

 

We hope you’re happy that you nailed your man

We were snoozing while you did the very deed

It took forever but not surprised at all

Like Pa Bader, one day we shall be freed

 

Marty really pouring it on with his kazoo interlude

 

It’s not funny anymorrrrreeeeee

It’s not funny

ANYMORE

 

RIP, Grant Hart. You rode for free to Heaven. You brought joy to my life for 30+ years, Big Guy.

 

 

If yuz a Tournament Official and the teenagers fudge the scores becuz ya looked the other way to drop yore drawers cuz ya had ta relieve yoreself of all that Schlitz Tall Boys, ya might be a redneck.

Then there’s P3. This was avant-garde technology back in the ’60’s and ’70’s but the Thor/HephaestusPrint style is really wearing thin. Is it REALLY necessary to vulcanize parts of the strip so that we’re forced to use our Elementary Algebra skills? Why pour kerosene on an already raging, but boring, flame? In P3.6, Gil is still in the negotiating stages because in P3.374, Wilma is holding out for more participants in Gil’s Tournament. The kids want Doritos Cool Ranch served at the Tournament Banquet. Lays Sour Cream ‘n’ Onion is too salty and a couple of the kids have COPD, Gil. And can they bring their own clubs or do they have to use the ones from your gym, the ones used in Lifetime Sports? We’d rather bring our own. And can we bring the kids from “Eight is Enough?” And Lassie?  RUFF, RUFF!!!!!!!!! Oh, Gil, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!! Lassie asked what foursome she’s paired up with.

Oh, sure, it’s BYOC (…Clubs) anyway and we had to send those rusty pieces of steel to the Milford Dry Cleaners. Excuse me,I gotta put down the phone. I’m getting Thorpiverse vertigo again. Geez, I don’t see how Batman and The Joker put up with this angle. And we can squeeze Lassie in with Mr. Ed, Benji, and Jiminy Cricket. Goofy backed out. He injured his gloves from Carpel Tunnel Syndrome.

And the question Wilma poses in Ppi is just begging to be ripped up like the Milford phone book

“Gil, who’s invited to this Invitational?”

“I called the Pope and he told me it was contingent on what weekend the G7 Summit is held but The Rolling Stones had prior engaements. I declined The Hardy Boys after their drunken escapade last year. Me and Mimi don’t feel like scrubbing their puke this year. Oh, and Andy Rooney has agreed to be the keynote speaker this year at the banquet.”

If the Dalton Gang IS invited (Odds are horrible, you understand)

Gil to Clever Hans, the Official Scorekeeper of the Pine Ridge Boys

“Are you SURE it was a ‘4’ instead of a ‘5’?

STOMP!!!!!!!!! STOMP!!!!!!!!!!

“Gil, that means ‘YES!!!!’ Now c’mon, the poor horse is getting hungry. After 18 holes, the poor thing’s gotta have his hay and his bag of Bolthouse Carrots.”

The Tournament Official then turns to the 10-year-old caddies

“BTW, will one of you grab a shovel and pick up his manure? He shot a wad on the greens on #17.”

 

Diane Gaines, thank you for ALL you do at TARC (Transit Authority of River City). You fill our tanks, get the vehicles coordinated well, get the workers around you to do their jobs more effectively. And in the morning, our vehicles are READY TO ROCK again. And you do it with a can-do approach. NOTHING gets you down. You always get my blood pumping with your encouragement and your enthusiasm. Thank you for ENCOURAGING ME.  If there’s a problem, you’ll get it solved. We need more like you, in life as well as on the job. Gang, take care of the Diane’s of the world. They ALWAYS take care of you.

 

Gang, comment away. Hey, if any of you has some loose change, could you swing it Wilma’s way? She’s halfway to paying off her yearly dues.

 

At the Milford Girls-a-Go Go club, where some stragglers in Gil’s Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time cast are holding out the last few days of August.

“She thinks IIIIIIIII still carrrrrrreeeeeeeee…”

 

“Coach Shaw, my name’s Sonny Tucker, booking agent for The Grand Ole Opry. You have a few minutes?”

Metapost: Folks, I do a little light editing of T. Drew’s posts since I’ve given up my daily slot. That said, sometimes I do wanna post a video.  Anyway, this song has been sticking with me lately. Paul Schafer is way too excited in the earlier choruses… – TimP

August 21, 2018

Don’t complain to me now.

Hey gang – I’m on vacation all this week and I know nobody likes writing about golf except me so why not y’all take a much needed vacation from this strip and let me handle this golf story? Any objections please let me know but I think its a fine idea.

75, 79, 78. That’s it? Writing scores on a board is the official way to post in a tourney qualifier? No questions asked huh? I never played in a tourney like this so who am I to criticize but man, this is just so.. fishy.

Its not out of the question to go from 80’s to high 70’s in a week. If the course fits your game and your making putts, that’s all it takes. The rest of the game is tee to green. Once you have that down, it all comes down to strokes around the green. This apparently was a 1-round qualifier, and anything can happen. You can go low anytime for 1 round. I know I can, so they can too.

But we all know what really happened, and why they’re complaining to Gil about it is beyond me. He isn’t involved in this in any way except as a ‘coach’ to his guys at Milford. They need to discuss this with the rules officials or tourney officials.

It looks like the case is closed the way the time between P2 and P3 is framed, but methinks Gil will do the boys a favor and complain to the officials, although how he’s gonna convince them of anything is hard to figure, since there again wasnt any rules official with each group to supervise the scores.

Another thing– how do the boys know what the other boys shot last week anyway? Musta had some casual conversation, but why show your hand if your planning to cheat? Tell the Milford boys you shot in the high 70’s . Or, even dumber, why the hell did the scores get accurately counted last week when it didn’t matter at all? And now when it counts, no tight control over anything. Just take a magic marker and write whatever the kids tell you they shot.  Typical dumb Thorp comic strip logic.

So I’m off to play golf now, played 15 holes yesterday until a downpour stopped me.

Shot 72.

For 15 holes.

Thanks again for letting me run the show this week. You guys relax and have a cold one on me.

Edited to add a picture from a recent hike I took while on my own vacation! – TimP

Holly trails somewhere inbetween

 

August 8, 2018

Golf Plot At OK Corral

Filed under: comic crossovers, general nonsense, golf, Just plain sad — tdrewhardin @ 3:19 pm

080818

This is getting ridiculously easy to pick apart. We didn’t know who the Dalton Gang was before, we only had clues such as Gunfighting Ethics (“Don’t point that Colt .45 at a woman!!!!!!!!!) or MAYBE locations where they were playing and evidently winning like Pine Ridge CC, BUT WE DO NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! And you gotta be kidding me. I was expecting macho hunks that Little Joe and Hoss would be engaging in war with behind a boulder as big as an elephant or in the kitchen at the Ponderosa ranch. Can’t let ’em steal the microwave, can we, Mr. Cartwright (“Don’t let ’em get the Tupperware!!!!!!!!)?

But nooooooooooooo, these assholes are no worse than what you’d see Greg and Peter and Bobby fighting in the neighborhood on The Brady Bunch or Alfalfa and Spanky and Buckwheat would take on to defend Darla’s honor. If we’re going to endure a bad golf plot in the month of August, damn, Thorpiverse, can we upgrade the villainry? Bart Simpson could waylay these guys with his Butterfingers bar. Heck, the Cartwrights could potty-train these guys.

And then there’s P1. No, no, say it ain’t so, Thorpiverse. Please don’t tell me I’m seeing Wilson Casey with Third Degree Plumber’s Butt. I am really trying to close my eyes and imagine Wilson wearing Jack Nicklaus Haggar slacks and spiffy Arrow golf shirt topped by the sporty golf shoes that earned Nicklaus the moniker “The Golden Bear”. But I open my eyes and I see The Golden Butt in the worst putting stance wearing his gym clothes that he dragged from the lost-and-found hamper in the locker room at Milford High School gym. He’s just roadkill for these jerks who were jerks in their mother’s uterus during gestation. You simply don’t fight Ike Clanton with a water pistol.

And who’s this third guy? Ed McMahon? Just laughs at all their jokes even when they’re not even remotely funny? He just tags along and encourages them to make fun of Wilson and Tony, flout cell phone rules, and tag along in the rear when they’re about to tee off? What a life. Boy, THIS plot’s getting off to a roaring start. And to think we’re just weeks away from football. We only have basically 3 weeks of ineptitude to work in. Can I get him to go get me the $5 Lunch Bucket Brigade? I’ll give him a 10 and he can keep the change.

 

A Duluth Trading Company commercial late at night on The Milford Family Channel

“How to fix Plumber’s Butt:

Step 1: Identify the problem.

‘Man, Dude, I could take putting practice in that thing. You’re a human sand trap!!!!!’

Step 2: Remove those god-awful articles of clothing. Do it in the woods as there are ladies present. Use Off!!!! Spray if you need to and watch the raccoons.

Step 3: Put on Duluth Long Tail T-Shirt and Shorts. Put on Duluth Trading Boxer Shorts first to keep plot on schedule. We don’t want emergency changes in the woods on August 31st.

Step 4: Double-check your work.

‘Ooooooooooooooo, he’s so sexy looking in that Long Tail T!!!!!!!!!!!!! And his butt isn’t dragging along the fairways!!!!!!!!!!!’  ‘Yeah, wish I could say the same for the plot!!!!!!!!’

Problem solved.

 

If ya wore the same clothes to fix yore U-pipe underneath yore sink, proudly displaying yore Grand Canyon to the world, that ya yore later that afternoon when ya knocked in a hole-in-one, with Gil ‘n’ Kaz ‘n’ a Notary serving as witnesses, ya might be a redneck.

 

Additions to the survey that a person receives when they eat at The Bucket

 

Did you order items from the Dollar Menu?  1) Yes  2) No  3) Aren’t all items at The Bucket dollar items?

What did you order?

Bucket Bitty Burger

Bucket Burrito

Bucket Biscuit w/Sausage

Bucket Biscuit w/Hot Cakes

Bucket Biscuit w/Lollipop

Bucket Chicken Sandwich

Bucket o’ Ribs

Bucket o’ Ribs Marinaded in Jack Daniels Straight

Bucket o’ Ribs Marinaded in Jack Daniels Straight w/Hot Cakes

Bucket o’ Ribs Marinaded in Jack Daniels Straight w/ Hot Cakes and Chaser

 

Rate the cleanliness of the rest rooms  1) Before I got diarrhea from the Lousiana Lightnin’ Sauce on the Bucket o’ Ribs?  2) Somewhat Unclean  3) Neither Clean nor Unclean  4) Somewhat Clean  5) Very Clean

I had to use the Time-Out Table because I said the Bucket Con Carne looked like something Mr. Ed would consume out of his pail  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Disagree

Did you use drive-thru?  1) Yes  2) No  3) I would have used drive-thru but my car got repossessed by Milford Finance

How fast was drive-thru?  1) Very Slow  2) Somewhat Slow  3) Neither Fast nor Slow  4) Somewhat Fast  5) Checker Flag at Pick-Up

Rate the friendliness of drive-thru staff  1) Very Unfriendly  2) Somewhat Unfriendly  3) n/a-cashier had to take a dump  4) Somewhat Friendly  5) Like Mr. Green Jeans was taking your order

 

Due to overwhelming popularity with Buy One Liver Cheeseburger and Bucket Fries Combo, Get One Free, we are adding a Bucket Road Ice Cream Float to order to express our appreciation to our great customers and to address complaints of Liver Cheese breath by some of our customers. We apologize for any inconvenience.

 

Then there’s Mutt and Jeff. Insulting my hobby (LOVE to collect old comic strips) aside, let’s just call these jerks…Mutt and Jeff. Why not? They pretty well wrote their own script on this one and will have a hard time getting out of this plot(darn the luck). Can anyone be possibly be taking these losers seriously? Yeah, they shoot a few shots at our heroes but there is NO WAY this is Spike Lee vs. Reggie Miller trash talk proportions. My Man Reggie would shrug off these children and keep shooting 3 after 3. Let THESE guys get in your head? Said another way, let Mutt and Jeff get in your head? If Reggie could shake off Spike, he could shake off Dagwood and Barney Google. Come up with spicier attitudes than that, Thorpiverse.

And I’m not EVEN going to comment on P3. Are Mutt and Jeff going to tell Wilson tomorrow when Wilson is hanging his head “You’re mother drives a pickle wagon?” “Your mother wears army boots?” “Your mother eats Mike and Ike Candy”. Yeah, goin’ for the throat, Mutt and Jeff. You’ve really reached new lows. McMahon’s really laughing his ass off when he’s not lapping your behinds in P2.

 

“And here at BlackthorneSt.FabiansPineRidgeAleutianIslands CC, Wilson has dug himself out of the sand trap and scored an eagle, no thanks to Coach T’s coaching. Stick to coaching your kids. We’ll be right back after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“I FEEL LIKE TAKING ALL MY CLOTHES OFF, DANCING TO THE RITE OF SPRING, WHEN I WOULDN’T NORMALLY DO THIS KIND OF THING!!!!!!!!!”

Coach Kaz opens the door to Gil’s office.

Gil is discoing in his Duluth Trading Company boxers. He slams off the jam box.

“Whoooaaaaaa, Gil, I’ll just comer back later.”

“No, no, Kaz, whattya need?”

“Uh, another coach called for Moose. Do you wanna fax his stats?”

“Yeah, but you’re going to have to use Dr. Pearl’s office. Mine’s down again.”

“Sure, sure, I completely understand. I think I have everything in his file.”

“Wait, you might need his SAT scores. I have them in that file cabinet over there.”

“Nahhhh, I think Dr. Pearl has them in her desk and I can get the key from Luhm. You go on and trip the light fantastic.”

“You won’t tell anyone, will you?”

“Who would I tell?”

Gil is stuck for an answer. He can’t ask the audience on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?”

“BTW, did you go to The Bucket and have the Liver Cheeseburger again?”

 

“I had to confront my Erectile Dysfunction problem once and for all. I was having trouble pumping up for Mimi and was resorting to desperate measures. It was embarrassing having to explain to Coach Kaz my position. But he rewarded my coming out of the closet by resteering me to the Milford Men’s Clinic. With treatment programs that work, I can do my best imitation of John Travolta at the Milford Elks Club without worrying about getting the battery charged. And Mimi’s fun in bed too. I can get it on in both places. You can too. Come get that Disco Inferno at the Milford Men’s Clinic today.

 

Gang, go to it. Great comments yesterday and if you’ll help nail Mutt and Jeff to the wall, it would be mucho apreciado.

 

“Do you want a hot apple pie or 3 cookies for a dollar with your Liver Cheeseburger and Bucket Fries Combo?”

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