This Week in Milford

September 23, 2019

Ease Up, Ballard

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The theme of the fall plot so far is: Chet Gotta Chet.

Today we see him camped out on the front porch, waiting to grill Charlie about football practice. (Maybe that’s a rear entrance with a sliding glass door? It seems like a wide opening for a standard door. Look at all those parallel lines: flooring, siding, a multi tiered tiled deck. That’s some serious drafting. Yes, the architectural details are more arresting than the third or fourth occurrence of Chet Ballard’s overbearing parenting.)

I don’t know anything about high school football practice. I always pictured it as a lot of jumping jacks, running and other conditioning, maybe throw in some drills. Y’all are going to have to enlighten me. Of course there must be scrimmaging too with starters getting more reps than back ups. That seems more like a professional thing that can be picked apart all week by the 900 gossipy shows on ESPN. “Eli’s not getting the bulk of reps in practice and he’s sulking in his Porsche!!”

What is revealed is that Charlie is not just ambivalent toward Chet. He’s kind of over it. Maybe he should have a chat with his mom.

September 17, 2019

Is He Not Able To See Them Through The Window?

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P1: As a school board member, our man Chet has shown nothing more than he collapses like a house of cards in a gentle breeze.

P2: Hey, do you notice how none of the other adults at the Schurings’ party seem to be talking to the Ballard-Roh family?

P3: Chet’s face is so adorable when he gets all pissy, who can blame Charlie’s mom for giving a little tickle under the chin?

Bonus question: What is it that Thorp’s presence is intended to deter?

I made this point in the comments yesterday but it sure is a shame how we’ve gone from thrilling actual action on the old gridiron to people talking about things they’re not going to do.

September 12, 2019

Mudlarks Are Forced To Punt It Away To The Script.

Filed under: actual action, football, freak hands, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots, Oakwood — tdrewhardin @ 11:37 am

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Now the Oakwood Mighty Cashews look a little awkward, doing that Sha Na Na routine, one Cashew humpin’ another, but if it’ll stuff the run and give them a shot to right the ship before time runs out, ya do what gotta do.

The consolation prize is the melange of tacklers and blockers and the poor schmuck running with the ball DOES resemble tackling and blocking. No 15-leg octopus stepping off the UFO with several 7-legged Martians and their fiancees. If the earth is going to be taken over by Kanamits, it’s comforting to know they cannibalize earthlings with only 2 appendages.

But we were understandably antsy about Charlie Roh’s kismet, his having fumbled once earlier in the game that occurred 2 months ago. Labor Day is when Gil gave Roh a bear hug and told Charlie “when the going gets tough the tough get going.” But remember, Gil cussed him out over the same faux pas around Guy Fawkes Day. Tear their ass down  when they goof but hug ’em tighter later on, especially when the game’s on the line. Sounds like good coaching is the order of the day here.

Come to Fuel Mart in Austin, Indiana where they will give you the great service that’s a given around their neck of the woods. Savannah and Helen run a super operation, the customers at a steady flow whenever I walk in. Gang, THAT’S busy. And that’s because they have great goodies, from hot dogs and frankfurters on the grill to SEVERAL snacks, from potato chips to cheese puffs, candy bars to snack cakes by the BOATLOAD. And don’t forget the sandwiches. Nor the colas, another plentiful quantity. Add in great gas at great prices and I don’t wonder why they are busy as bees. I also wish to give shoutouts to Daelyn and Roberta, 2 ladies who have been there for several years and treat you like you want to be treated. I have seen Daelyn for several years and she has ALWAYS been professional in her dealings with the customer, plus she can get things in order because she knows the store and knows hows to get it done. Roberta has been there for 18 years and I congratulate her because she has been dedicated to the business and she does so with a smile. She also knows the inner workings of the store and knows also how to solve knotty problems. Ladies, they don’t pay you enough. I salute you.

Support Small Business, Gang. Come to the neighborhood where fellowship and food and fuel all go hand in hand.

Did you see this coming

Was it all so obvious

Charlie was stuffed

But the ball was conspicuous

You don’t have to be a genius to know this reeks

Don’t need the DNA test to plug the leaks

Charlie hopes are sinking fast

His talents are poorly cast

C’mon, admit it, everybody in the Western Hemisphere and the Island Nation of Fiji thought that Charlie was going to do something stupid with the ball, the Miracle at the Meadowlands replayed or, to keep quoting Yogi, “deja vu all over again.” And I’ll admit and I daresay the vast majority were thinking he would fumble the ball a second time which would be a logical choice, were this to be an answer on the multiple choice portion of the exam.  Let’s look at the other choices

B) He did a Flubber and ran all the way to the end zone where he was so caught up in the Medfield crowd that he smashed into one of the goal posts, coughs up the ball, and the Rutland Cashew runs the other way for a score, they kick the extra point, the game winds up being a sister-kisser and he gets amnesia and thinks he is taking over for Darren McBride as Milford’s quarterback in the next game after McBride’s A-Fib flares up again

C) He does a Forrest Gump and runs PARALLEL with the 50-yard line all the way out of the stadium and is found later on Mt. Everest after the Hillary Expedition finds the football in some sherpa’s tent. Milford goes on to win as there were spare footballs in Coach Shaw’s pick-up, right below his gun rack

D) With one Rutland Cashew to beat, Charlie kicks the poor free safety in the nuts, subsequently getting penalized half the distance to the goal line THE OTHER WAY, prompting Gil to remind the Flubber referee of the proper ruling, that it’s defined under personal foul, according to Valley Conference Comments on the Rules, therefore should only be assessed 25 yards. The game is played under protest, to be played at when the game started, the date sometime in December just after Gil’s party.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Rioting On The Streets Of Milford After Protest Parade Fails To Settle Issue On Roh’s Fate.”

sub headline

“Roh on indefinite house arrest at the Fleming household after 2nd fumble causes comic strip to lose its charter.”

Did you see this coming

Was Chet obvious

Belching his ire

Contempt for Gil conspicuous

You don’t have to wear your glasses to see what’s new

You don’t have to look again to catch Chet’s spew

Charlie’s mom, hanging her head

Wishing that she were dead

And I realize that there are people out there who are nice people off the field who turn into bug-eyed fanatics wondering why their kid isn’t the next Jordan when the gun goes off or the ball is tapped. Now, in fairness, if you haven’t seen family play sports, you couldn’t possibly understand how easy it is to judge until YOU ARE THE ONE WATCHING YOUR KID PLAY. And I’ll admit that I got overly excited when I first started out but I asked a ton of questions and got better at the game, literally and figuratively.

That said, P2 is just utterly ridiculous. Last month, he was the Sharp Dressed Man and acted the part. Hadley Victor Victoria might have headed out of Dodge with the brass ring but I admired Chet because his points were valid and very well-taken. Today, or tonight, in a star-studded sky that looks like Mr. and Mrs. Roh are watching their kid play sports in one of those tiny jars that you get a Christmas time that spread the sprinkles and stars every which way when you flip it upside down, ad nauseum, Chet is reaching Pro Wrestling Bad Guy status. Sure, unfortunately, the sad reality is there are parents like Chet that get that way.

But Chet is getting melodramatic here. It’s getting to the point where if the trombone player in the Milford Marching Band misses a note on “The Horse”, it’s Gil’s fault, he didn’t prep the player to grease the slide before pre-game warm-ups. Or if the P.A. announcer mispronounces the Rutland player as “Shitter” rather than “Sheeter” when the player originated from German lineage during the Bismarck era and therefore carries the surname “Schitter”, Chet is blaming Gil because he didn’t hand the announcer a media guide or Fodor’s “Milford in 10 Days”. Miracle at the Meadowlands? Gil should have called a time out before the Eagle could make it to the end zone.

And Chet’s wife’s body language says it all. She is dejected, either because Roh got stopped and couldn’t make mama proud or she is embarrassed for Chet’s boorish behavior. Likely a combo of the two. Or maybe the concession stand taco salad loaded too much ostrich beef. Definite Rolaids Moment.

If ya want the other kid on the other fishing team at Mudlark Lake disqualified and yore own kid on his team to grab the trophy cuz yore boy caught 184 walleye and the boy on the other team caught a hammerhead shark, a blatant violation of the rules cuz it’s a foreign object that ain’t got no business in the water, even though it were a fate d’komplait cuz the other kid done it with a Popeel Pocket Fisherman, ya might be a redneck.

And aside from Chet making a jackass of himself, something I’m led to believe will be the norm in the next 2-3 months (Now if he blames Coach T. on Valentines Day because Charlie should have been looking the Russell Stover Dark Chocolates in the tuck, Chet should check in at Milford Psychiatric Associates) , why does Thorpiverse ALWAYS show some kid, adult, Martian, tweener, wheelchair-bound personality from the nursing ho,e out to get some fresh air and take in a game, etc., SMILING or in general having that Stimpy face every time Milford runs into misfortune?

“Milford fumbles!!!!!!!!!!!! Oakwood runs it the other way and scores!!!!!!!!! Oakwood wins!!!!!!!!!!! Oakwood wins!!!!!!!!!!! This is Harry Caray…”

HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY

HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY

HAPPY HAPPY…

 

But it’s nice to see Beetle Bailey weigh in and soak in the sights. Snorkel must have given him a 3-day pass.

 

Robmize, you know I’ll never change. I’ve tried.

 

Okay, Gene Rayburn is here to restore things to order here on Match Game 2019. Without further ado, you got the floor, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), she thought that Charlie _______________ the ball when Oakwood got it back.”

Did you see this coming

Was the bull shit obvious

Out of his butt

His butthead’s conspicuous

You don’t have to be ahead to cheer your team

Your son doesn’t have to be Montana for him to beam

Mama’s raising lots of cane

Cuz Chet’s just a stinkass pain

And Mama Roh is getting off the mat after Chet Drago insists on making a royal donkey of himself. Good for her. I get the feeling she will be the one who keeps Charlie level-headed when Chet never gets the hint that he should stick to insurance and let Gil do the coaching. Uhhhhhhhh, well, you get the idea. Gil might not be doing any coaching, like he hasn’t in God-knows-when but he’s still an expert in his field. That’s what’s important. If the bus driver crashes the Greyhound into a utility pole because he was too busy on the cell phone with friends but still has his CDL, he’s covered.

Still waiting on the outcome from Mama Roh’s encouragement. Don’t choke on this one, Thorpiverse. All the free throw lines are 15 feet from the basket.

“Will Oakwood tie things or can Milford hang on? We’ll know in a moment. We’ll take a station break with the score, Milford, 14, Oakwood, 7. This is Marty Moon on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

“You know, when my house blew down after some PLO terrorist sailed through town on their way to a convention, we had issues with our house after they set off one bomb too many. We couldn’t possibly invite guests over next week for pot luck supper, let alone use the verandah, except for a fortress should those terrorists return.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Mudlark Brick and Masonry. The good people there were understanding after having been bombed themselves when some of the Japanese took a detour from Pearl Harbor and somehow located Milford in the Rand McNally. The shag carpeting was ruined.

We had cracks in the flagstone brick after shards went all over the lawn. It was hard to get any privacy. Did you ever try to take a dump when Coach Shaw and the kids are on their Sunday afternoon stroll down the street? But Mudlark Brick and Masonry showed me ways to plug those gaps with the finest brick-repairing materials you could lay your trowel on. With the finest Bedford, Indiana limestone, the kind that built the Empire State Building, it gives me and my family piece of mind that the shower stall was once going to The Big Apple as a foundation for the Chrysler Building.

Walls bowing in? Yup, that was a problem but these experts have faced adversity and a Japanese howitzer so they yelled “Tora! Tora! Tora!” when they saw our cupboards in the kitchen about to cave in. Gypsum never looked any better and gave a nice touch to the Lazy Susan containing all our Kashi cereals. We could lean the Amana stove against the wall and the gypsum walls would keep the stove from landing on top of the refrigerator magnets. Did you ever try to cook Shake and Bake in a 3-quart saucepan with your ice cube tray floating in with the chicken breasts? Thank God these pros knew what they were doing.

And how ’bout uneven concrete? Hey, bombs will mess up the promenade leading from the verandah to the bird bath and feeder at the end of our yard. Mudlark Brick and Masonry redesigned the sidewalk so we wouldn’t get vertigo trying to walk with a sack of bird seed on our shoulders. You know how concrete can make you do the 50-yard hurdles if you don’t implement preventive medicine. Concrete mixed well like a baby formula from the cement mixer was the perfect tonic.

But don’t take my word for it. Come in today and see for yourself. If you’ve been victimized by aliens who like to do joy rides on your driveway with their UFO’s and mess up the masonry all around the household, why reach for your Uzi when Milford Brick and Masonry will take most insurance plans? Come on in and check out your own florr plans and tell ’em Coach Thorp and the Milford Neighborhood Vigilante Associates sent ya.”

Go at it, Gang. Chet ought to be done by the time all the stars and dust in the jar settles.

“…I’m not superstitious or even religious, I just want things so true

I’m not worried about things, Gil, they’ll take me away from YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.”

September 5, 2019

Everybody Was Kung Fu Fumbling.

Filed under: actual action, Coach Shaw, football, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Marty Moon, Oakwood — tdrewhardin @ 10:55 am

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Ruh Roh. Me and Scooby Doo and the rest of the TWIMers are hangin’ on the edge of our seats with that one phrase I get a sick-gut feeling is going to be the anthem sung the next few months. It might attain cliche status when it is all said and done but Gil is one giant cliche, so we’re not alone. Share the banality, Man.

And where else do you start but with Marty Moon? I will faint the day Dick Vitale shows up in the WDIG booth along with Mike Patrick to perform his schtick in front of Mudlark students fresh from burning Beatle records (Just because Lennon said “We’re bigger than Coach Thorp”?) and French Revolution activities (Vive Le Football Arc!!!!!!!!!!) .

And Marty is getting off on the right foot, his CBS NCAA College Basketball Tournament Draw not quite filled out on his laptop

“And Chance Macy scampers up the middle for a gain of about 4, second and 6-hmmmm, UCLA vs. Wofford? Nah, Bruins got too much talent-Wow!!!!!! What a hit Tiki leveled on that Oak-Acorn-Triplet-Nutcase tailback!!!!!!-geez, how ’bout North Carolina and Bucknell, I dunno, look what ol’ Bucky did to Kansas in the first round one year, gotta go with my gut and predict an upse-Fleming down on the ground after being speared in the crotch, the Oak-Acorn-Triplet-Nutcase is ejected, being escorted by the Milford Police and Coach Andrews-no way, St. Olaf’s ain’t gonna touch Duke even if they are hosting the first two gam-The trainer is down on the field, pulling down Fleming’s pants, it appears he forgot to stick his cup in when he was donning his jock strap-let’s see, Indiana and New Hampshire School of Architecture, hey, there’s parity in college basketball, any given da-THERE GOES MACY, HE’S ALL ALONE, THE 30, THE 20, THE 10, TOUCHDOWN, MILFORD-that’s a toss-up, Texas Tech and Brigham Young, if BYU’s center can shake off his knee injury…”

 

Gang, remember those old movies at around 11:00PM (“Where is Keri and Jaime, Gil?”) , where the Oriental family (Chinese, Burmese, Japanese, Korean, miscellaneous Far Eastern nationality) was using their martial arts (Karate, Kung Fu, Judo, etc.) for just about ANY reason? Mom hung the laundry on the line and Dad asked Mom how long before his Hanes dried, kick, kick, kick box, oh, about another hour, kick, punch, flip, dance on clothesline. That’s good, kick, punch, scratch his private area, I have that meeting with Coach Thorp this afternoon, he’s interviewing me for equipment manager, jab, swing, cobra position, no problem, I should have you ready along with your best pin-stripe suit, punch, kick, reverse kick on a booth at The Bucket.

Isn’t that really what this arc is, Chinese Dad died and is now kick-boxing with Jesus, replaced by Chet Ballard who still needs to learn a few moves to get the hang of this arc? No worries. I’m sure Charlie can show Chet, er, American Dad (“Dad” for short) the ropes on B Movie Martial Arts techniques.

Charlie, kick, box, SLAM, jab, poke, kick again, call me Dad, kick, punch, WHAP, slap, I will, once you take this pebble out of my hand, Chet, kick, punch, BAM, BOOM, slap, punch, Chet down on the ground in obvious pain, Dr. Pearl’s Model T policy in his hand

“Chet, you’re going to have to do better anticipating the cross kick. Shouldn’t have left your fly open.”

 

If yore return volley from some punk Oriental kid who just keeps harassin’ ya with kick, jab, punch, kick box is the tried-and-true load, lock, sight, aim, BLAM and the kid goes runnin’ home ta mamma with buckshot up his britches, ya might be a redneck.

 

What better way for Now-You-See-Him-Now-You-Don’t Shaw to return to the sidelines than P2 where he is contributing his two bits worth to Bruce Lee’s-Stepfather-Disguised-as-Don Everly-In-Obvious-Need-of-Dentu-Creme? I just love it when Coach Shaw can handle all the details so that Gil can get down to business and concentrate on the team. Without Coach Shaw and his Take-My-Quarterback-Please one-liners to fill in the gaps of the plot and move that and the chains on the sideline, the football team would still be at the 1-yard line. No sense in Gil trying to teach the 46 defense without help. Did you ever see Buddy Ryan without Henny Youngman? Rest my case.

Only, why is Gil shouting ACROSS the field? I thought your players were along the same sidelines with you unless the game’s a forfeit and we’re just scrimmaging and exchanging a few players to round out the roster at a couple of key positions. Unless Roh is engaged in warfare with Coach Andrews. Yeah, that’s it

Coach, kick, kick, box, slam helmet on Andrews’ head, your team sucks and belongs in a pasture with the rest of the cows, slap, kick, box, oh yeah?, punch, jab, swat, box, where does your coach style his hair, at The Spaghetti Factory?, kick, WHAP, flip, accidentally smack referee with judo chop for 15 yard penalty, well, at least I didn’t leave the team 30 years ago and try to start my own strip, without Thorpiverse, you’re worthless like your team, kick, jab, box, you’ll be stuck in 30 years, too, trust me, kick, box, punch, flip, fart,…

 

Everybody was Kung Fu fumbling

And the plot was kick-box bumbling

Even though Roh’s play was frightening

He fumbled with expert timing

 

And while we’re going the Oriental movie route, no Oriental movie, or foreign language film in general, is complete without the lip-synch track attempting to match the words of our Oriental actors and actresses. Gil Kai-Shek is no exception. You THINK he is saying

“Roh, check in for Chance!!!!!!!!!!”

But when Gil’s lips keep moving, you know he had to have said more than that, so here is Gil conveying what he REALLY said in his native Cantonese

“ROH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get your ass over here and quit bitchin’ at Andrews!!!!!!!!!! Geez Louise, you’re slower than Marty sippin’ bourbon at the Milford Lounge. Check in at the scorer’s table!!!!!!!! DUMBASS, it’s right over there where Tiki’s pickin’ his nose, THERE, OVER THERE, NO DIPSHIT, not by the cheerleaders, you’re gonna get a karate kick with their megaphone, YES OVER THERE, where Scott’s usin’ a surgical tool on the halfback’s hamstring!!!!!!!!!! NOW WAIT UNTIL THE REF SIGNALS YOU IN, STUPID!!!!!!!!!! We still gotta kick the extra point, oh, Jesus, Coach Shaw, I hope he doesn’t have this much trouble at the scorer’s table in basketball, the scorer speaks Mandarin…”

 

And the signage is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Us Thorpiverse veterans relish that placards at a football game carry the day and were practically the 12th man at the football games during the Berrill years.  I don’t know what the sign in the background is saying, I never studied Shanghainese at Milford Community College but I have my dictionary handy (Langenscheidt’s Shanghainese-English, English-Shanghainese, 3rd Edition, 25th Printing)

“Eat  my shorts, Coach Andrews!!!!!!!!!!!”

The lack of Chinese characters in Andrews’ name was a dead giveaway. The rest was all over but the shouting

“Roh will kick-box you lard butts back to Oakwood!!!!!!!!”

Fortunately, the declension for “Kick-box” was in the intro pages of the dictionary

“Coach Shaw and your team will disappear!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Goin’ for the gut. Couldn’t find the polite form of “Your”. Had to improvise.

“Your mother drives a rickshaw!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Boy, that’ll demoralize the competition

 

Oooooooooookkkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back with Match Game ’19, here to get the Cultural Revolution on its knees. You have the floor, Gene

Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Chow Mein was a Tagalog dialect in the country of ____________________.

 

I’m assuming you saw the physique of Charlie “Ruh” Roh (Gotta love ya, Chris Berman) the other day. Between then and now, he must have read one too many Richie Rich comic books, all the way to the Charles Atlas section and taken things to heart. Threatened by his stepdad to call Chet Baker, “Dad”, or Ruh Roh would dry up and blow away, the pumping iron and the sophomore team bus has apparently paid off. Now if he can just hang onto Mr. Potato Head, the workout will pay even more dividends.

But the more I ponder the issue, the more I realize THAT’S THE IDEA. Fumble a toy you could carry around the house with your eyes closed, thereby stretching the plot all the way to Thanksgiving, or beyond, if Gil’s Christmas Party isn’t in full swing. Where’s your sense of adventure. Personally, I like people who had nothing better to do than score touchdowns and win the game fumble the toy-OH, THAT’S A FOOTBALL-around and cuss the referee out in Mandarin Chinese. First time somebody got an unsportsmanlike flag when the ref couldn’t understand a word he said. Yeah, right, Thorpiverse, save Roh’s 8 TD, 465 yard performance until Hanukkah. Build some excitement for 3 months and climax it with Roh being Mayor of Milford For The Day or sit on Santa’s lap, the reader’s pick. I can see the logic.

 

“And Roh coughs up the ball and Macy is beating the tar out of him on the sidelines. Roh is countering with kick, box, punch while Macy is continuing with beat his ass, beat his ass, beat his ass. Looks like the coaches are separating them, finally, and this gives me an opportunity to go to a station break. This is Marty Moon for WDIG radio, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“Folks, would you like to have a blast while buying your favorite liquor at your headquarters for liquor. Well, here’s your chance to enter the 6th Annual Frisbee Golf Classic held right here at Milford Beverage Warehouse.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp. And, boy, you oughta see the beaucoup entrants in this tournament lining up for a piece of history. The course will be challenging and the booze will be flowing. This year, we made some changes to make the course more exciting. It’s not much fun throwing a frisbee at a cardbaord cut-out of Chester Cheetah on a par 3, dog leg left by the Durango Tequila rack. Why not spice up the competitive juices and award a man a case of Bud if he can knock the jar of Planters out of Mr. Peanut’s hand? We’ll admit we also caught some flak because hitting the freezer door of Big Ass Bourbon Freezees on a par 5, straightaway was child’s play so we used the forklift to hoist the freezer up 3 stories. Try flippin’ your Whammo! at the Jack Daniel Slushees now. We also made sure that the men’s and women’s rest rooms are WELL-MARKED this year. No more surprises. The men should find the door for stall #3 on a par 5 dog leg right in the men’s room, no problem. Fortunately, the women only screamed twice last year. We didn’t have to involve the Milford Police.

And while you’re entering, check out these door busters. Miller High Life Genuine Draft, 18-pack, a steal at 24.99. And how ’bout Jim Beam Natural Smoke Fine Smelt Whiskey? We’ll only charge you what we would charge your family AND if you buy now, we’ll knock off another dollar AND you’ll get a free Top-flite 280x Frisbee, perfect for joining in the fun while gettin’ half-sloshed. Hey, you might win the Tournament plus get the prized for Most Stoked at the Stake. And don’t forget to buy plenty of Milford Vending Beer Nuts. At a price of 6.99/can, you can wash it down with a cold case of Coors, fresh out of the refrigeration unit we have in the back of the store for only 48.99/case. Sorry, we will not be able to use the refrigerator door as a frisbee target this year as the janitor will be buffering the concrete floor that night.

Goodness, come on in and fill out a form for this Tournament. We understand The Bucket is trying to plead their case for a liquor license by sponsoring a Sand Volleyball Tournament. Where are they going to get the sand? Mudlark Lake is cordoned off this weekend for that Aerosmith concert. If you really don’t care to know like I don’t, get a move on down here for fun, frisbees, and foam and leave your Happy Meal attitude at The Bucket. Tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

]

All right, Gang, it’s all yours. Do you really want to know or care if Roh is going to ride the bench for the next 3 months from today’s gaffe in P3? I thought not.

 

“…THEY’RE ROCKIN’ AND ROLLIN HERE IN M-TOWN, TIKI’S A PTPer, CHARLES ROH AND CHANCE MACY, 1-2 COMBO IN AMERICA, BABY!!!!!!!!! COACH SHAW IS THE NEXT HEAD COACH AT…”

FREEZE IT, GIL

 

“Your quarterback eats Bucket Chow Mein from the children’s menu!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Those lessons in Tibetan are paying off.

August 27, 2019

P4:” You Wade In The Kiddie Pool Of Journalism And Your Mother Drives A Pickle Wagon.”

Filed under: exposition comics, football, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Marty Moon, Pissy faced Gil — tdrewhardin @ 2:44 am

082719

There I feel better.

Oh, yeah, that’s right, we’re talking Gil and Marty. Well, shut my mouth with some crumbs of corn pone that fell off the table at the First Annual Mudlark Kick-off Tailgate Luncheon that’s been alternating with football practice that’s been going on for about 2 weeks. Marty is back.

I could maybe understand Marty not participating in the festivities, given Marty’s propensity to not sleep with the enemy. Marty indulging in a sloppy joe while stabbing Gil in the back with a butcher knife just seems out of place, even by Marty standards. Gobble that Steak ‘n’ Shake Sirloin Cheeseburger With a Side Order of Cheese Fries, washing it down with an icy-cold Mudlar-K-Cola Pepper Pop (to avoid copyright issues with Dr. Pepper, you understand) , then quoting that Gil’s secondary eats jelly beans just might make Marty a little too sleazy. Which probably explains why Mr. Moon showed up after Sam Finn got carted off in the pickle wagon.

I can see that.

“Well, looks like they’re done pumping Finn. What the Hell did he eat? Is that bagel and lox I see on the ground? What kind of a tailgate luncheon are we running around here? Spinach Quicheburgers? In this heat? Time to spring into action.”

Enter Marty.

Post-tailgate fellowships will never be the same.

 

Cheryl Fox, you represent America. While interviewing for disabilty yesterday, you very patient, knowledgable, and professional. Hailing from Cincinnati, Ohio and as a service representative for Humana, you love your job and you love helping other people. And you do it with a smile. Many people could learn from Cheryl’s example about what it takes to make America great. Many times, you gotta put your nose to the grindstone, which you’ve done as a bus driver for several years or as a keen phone service representaive with a lot of savvy, backed by an understanding of human nature. Gang, if you see her, treat her with respect. I salute you, Cheryl. We need more like you.

 

Really, I was just making an off-hand joke, not really intending to go anywhere with it. Doesn’t THAT sound like a familiar theme in Thorpiverse.

But with all the blockin’ and tacklin’ and munchin’ and crunchin’ and faintin’ and caterwaulin’ and threatenin’ law suits, this is a sudden turn of events that’s gotten me a tad suspicious.

Did Marty sneak out from under the tackling dummy when they were done with a slightly-ill-advised picnic? What was he hoping to find? Kids weren’t eating their vegetables? Gil wasn’t using a fork when scooping the macaroni salad? The coke canister exploded and they had to wipe off several uniforms with dish towels when they weren’t calling 9-1-1 about the casualties?

“Nothing major. Everybody go back to their seats and enjoy the chicken nuggets. The ambulance just made its last trip. The EMT said most of ’em should be OK.”

 

If Marty is to dig up any dung, he’ll do it as a GI Joe Action figure as in P1. He and Gil are engaged in mortal combat, well, at least in a war of wits. This is an annual event us Thorpiverse fans relish every year. Just kick back in the Broyhill recliner, put the popcorn on the TV tray, pop the VCR with the remote, and enjoy. Hey, your VCR is another TV, right? Or so the VCR instruction manual says when you first set it up? Then it’s like watching a Rambo doll kick-boxing with The Riddler doll through not one but TWO TV’S!!!!!!!!!!!!! In front of the Land of the Gigantic Offensive Linemen!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Entertainment at its finest. To think, some of you were going to the Milford Majestic on 1/2 Price Seating Night to go watch “Puking from Too Much Mustard on the Planet of the Apes!!!!!!”.

 

Because the amphitheater I pass every night might want to consider updating its matrix board after seeing Death Cab for Cutie scheduled for July 7th, much as I like the group

 

Today’ headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Suing Milford Outdoor Amphitheater Concerning Slim Whitman’s ‘Night Of Memories In England’ Tour!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I had no idea the dude was dead; I’m lettin’ Cochrane handle the refund application procedure. I’m willin’ to settle out-of-court.”

 

While I’m letting my stomach settle from the Beans ‘n’ Cornbread Fellowship sponsored by the Milford Football Parents Booster Club (dues are only $25 every year, free food and an 8 x 11 portrait of Gil in the raw, suitable for framing) , I’m a little perplexed.

What does he mean by battling at a few positions? I guess there’s not much competition at long snapper, not that I’m expecting kids meeting out in the parking lot after practice, duking it out for the guts and the glory of this particular sentry post.

And some of you think Gil might have quarterback on his mind when discussing the battles where there ARE battles at some of the spots. Ahhhhh, careful. One year, a couple of quarterbacks went down and they had to resort to Milford High’s chess champion who also had a serious heart condition, Darren McBride. So as long as Gil is speaking in vague generalities, you’ll just have to use your imagination. Now the silver lining in the black cloud of Gil’s laying bare his ambiguities with Marty is that I think Gil has the players ON THE FIELD in mind when talking up the lack of competition at certain spots. I can say without fear of contradiction that the water boy’s job is safe for another year. And Rick Scott will not have to look over his shoulder for any comers who dare amble from the parking lot with a medical bag in hand. Rick can breathe easier and buy another pair of jeans. He’s got the job security, what the hay?

 

And do I dare say it? Gals, you better clutch your boyfriend if he’s nearby. Everybody else grab the nearest bleacher or lawn chair, if you have one handy.

 

Marty has a point.

OMIGOD, THE SKY IS FALLING, QUICK, COVER THE SALISBURY STEAK, USE THAT REYNOLDS FOIL TO PROTECT THE AMISH POTAT-

Usually, when Marty comes to call AT ANY TIME, particularly in the Fall, it’s not good news. His rapier wit just grates our nerves and you want to dump the bowl of 3 bean salad on his head. If the team is looking at an awful year because the entire defensive line graduated and went to Milford Vocational & Technical Institute to major in Bowling Pinspotting Mechanics, Marty is sure to be the resident buzzard and feed off the roadkill. Nothing like sticking a few more ginsu knives in Gil’s already-stale Swedish meatballs.

This time, Marty is hard-hitting but within the parameters, only asking what is becoming somewhat obvious. It didn’t help Gil that the ambulance drove away with a casualty and depleted his roster even more. Marty has artillery.

It’s just that Marty might have to turn in his WDIG certification if he continues to practice journalism ethics while negotiating with his nemesis. And speaking of nemesis, is it really necessary to portray Gil as the second cousin of Dr. No? We’re still recovering from Marty’s reform movement. One day at a time.

 

If ya gotta go to the hospital cuz ya swallow’d the whole durn Betty Crocker Dutch Choklit cake and washed it down with a case of Bud at the Milford Foundry 167th Annual Company Picnic and the EMT’s gotta have 23 yuk buckets to pump ya in the ambulance on th’ way ta Milford General, ya might be a redneck.

 

Ooooooookkkkkkk, time to bring sanity to this God-forsaken-plot-in-the-making. Gene Rayburn is back with a vengeance. Take the stage, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought the 385th Annual Mudlark Chew-and-Grind Pre-Pigskin Picnic was held on ____________.”

 

Come to think of it, Waylon Jenning’s grandson interviewing Dr. No’s illigetimate child might be a deadly combination for a potential plot in football. It’s getting off on the right foot in P2, give it a chance.

In the interim, Gil is enjoying a Foghorn Leghorn Moment in P3, leastwise, it’s hard to imagine Gil directing that comment at Joey Tribbiani and Chandler Bing over by the Boston Baked Beans tray. Even if they and the rest of the Friends cast enjoy food, football, and fellowship, that doesn’t make them shallow. Gotta stick it on Marty, Foghorn. Do not waste a funny on a show that is hilarious and often makes fun of what is serious in Thorpiverse.

Even if it was a cheap laugh. Hey, it got a chuckle out of me. I choked on my cole slaw.

 

RRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH

BBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

UUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPCCCCCCCHHHHHHUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK

“No question, I was a hurt puppy that day. The Milford IGA had smuggled in kangaroo meat from Australia and tried to sell it to the Mudlark Football Parents Booster Club as Big Mac’s. Luckily, one of the split ends fighting another split end for his job and his turkey giblets saw the label on the ground and got the truth.”

“Hi, this is The Shark with Joe Sharkey Law Offices. I couldn’t believe my ears when Sam Finn told me he had devoured the whole plate of burgers illegally imported on the Mayflower and took a detour following Magellan’s route to finally deliver unrefrigerated kangaroo meat, having trekked several twists and turns and neap tides from the Brisbane slaughterhouse to Mudlark Practice Field property. They could have at least gone half on the duty.

What added insult to injury was Mr. Finn then had to run the steps at the stadium. Going up and down the steps with a dead cow strapped on you as a dead weight might make you faster but in the humidity he was exposed to, he was a sitting duck for bursitis, malaria, whooping cough, turf toe, hepatitis, and athlete’foot.”

“I got a check from Milford IGA for 6.03 × 10v23 dollars. I remember the amount because I memorized Avogadro’s Number when Ms. Rizk was getting boring. I can save up for college and I was able to pay for the Pepto-Bismol 100-pak at Milford Emergency Clinic. And I can afford limo service to practice, Mom doesn’t have to rush from work at the Milford Toyota Plant to take me to practice. Thanks, Shark.”

“There you have it. If you ate the wrong salad and the soy milk tasted a little funny, call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today and get piece of mind when you get food poisoning from rigatoni. Insurance companies are working to protect their ass from paying out claims from an idle piece of carrot cake and keeping the food industry in the clear. Fight back with an attorney who knows his way around the block when fighting company picnic suppliers. One call, that’s all.”

Go for it, Gang. I gotta go to the Milford Clinic and get treated for trauma. Mixing Marty and decency was like adding water to acid. Add acid to water if ya don’t wanna splatter.

 

“So ya think McBride can settle the issue at QB after he’s taken a couple of Rolaids?”

“These inane questions are testing my patience, Mr. Bond. I can insert a Sun Yat-Sen flunky at the position in my quest for world domination.”

 

 

On a Rolaids commercial

“Gil, how do you spell ‘relief’?”

“R-O-L-L-U-P-T-H-E-D-I-N-N-E-R-R-O-L-L-S.”

 

 

August 8, 2019

“You’re A School Board Member Now. Take Your Finger Out Of Your Mouth.”

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, Hadley V. Baxendale, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 10:05 am

080819

Mr. Ballard is chasing Hadley Victrola all over Milford Towers because she’s getting more tips than Mr. Ballard. They jump out of the window, up on the ledge just out of the 82nd floor. Balancing their lives with their coin changer, Mr. Ballard has ol’ RCA Victrola trapped.

Suddenly, she remembers the Bugs Bunny cartoon she watched when she was a kid and Dad was away at a Rogaine Is Not Just For Men Under Seventy convention. She remembers Bugs being trapped on a similar ledge, this one on the ledge of the 73rd floor of the Milford General Finance Building. The ape was getting closer and closer, jealous that Bugs was getting all the coins thrown in his cup.

“Heeeyyyyyyyy, Mr. Ballard!!!!!!!! I got a trick. Watch this.”

She puts her finger in her mouth and begins to float off the ledge. She alights the ledge once again.

“You try it.”

Mr. Ballard is a little dodgy with the coin changer around his waistline and the beard most assuredly doesn’t help in trying to float. Try sticking your finger in your mouth while maneuvering through 1,295 Brillo pads around your chin and cheeks and you get the idea.

But he manages.

“WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! There you go, Mr. Ballard. You can see all of Milford, can’t you? Yeah, there’s the water tower over there, right behind the Spanish Inquisition. They’re terrorizing the conductor and the brakeman on the Milford & Oakwood!!!!!!!! Oh, you can see Milford High School? Where? Oh, by that Roadway turning left onto Main Street!!!!!!!!! I didn’t know Milford High School cafeteria had an account with them. The Roadway guy has Ho Ho’s on his dolly? And Wonder Bread Hot Dog Buns?  No, I  can’t say I see Gil’s hair. I didn’t know you could his Brylcreem for an airport beacon. Oh, he’s the one standing next to Bubba Joe Tilwell. Yeah, I understand he’ll be working with the defensive line. put some hair on their chests at those 7-on-7’s. Mr. Ballard, shame on you, you’re a big boy now, take your finger out of your mouth!!!!!!!!!!!!”

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-SPLATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

 

To the lovely driver, Kentucky license plate # 852 XHV, who was driving in New Albany, Indiana 50 feet the wrong way and endangering the lives of those coming TOWARDS him because the driver was too lazy to drive around the block because 2 minutes of the driver’s time was evidently too much, hazarding a guess that he had to pick up his son at the 7-on-7 scrimmage and get to the Milford Barber Shoppe before it closed

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Traffic Stopped For Hours After Man Falls From The 73rd Floor Of Milford General Finance And Crashes On Top Of A Buick Skylark Backing Out Of Loading Dock The Wrong Way!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Witnesses confirm it was Mr. Ballard, the insurance agent. He could not re-insert valve stem in mouth in time to prevent landing on the cantaloupe grinds in the trunk.”

 

“Upon further review, the School Board has announced a reversal of the call and that Tiki Jansen will enroll at Milford High School in the Fall, pending mandatory flu shots and rabies injections at Milford Apothecary.”

Yup, the video said it all. They had to use pliers to finally pry Mr. Ballards index finger away from his bicuspid but it appears justice will be served or is headed in that direction. Miss Hathaway and Marcia Brady will only rubber-stamp that notion.

There are other issues to address now that Tiki will not have to live in Mammoth Cave (we’re assuming) while taking 18th-Century French Prose at Milford High (be true to your school, Tiki, attaway) .

For example, Miss Hathaway will be required to use Pond’s Rejuveness Anti-aging Anti-wrinkle Anti-Tiki Cold Cream in the 7 oz. jar to remove the Folger’s stain on her right cheek. The cold cream also does wonders in fixing the acute angles on her cheekbones so that Miss Hathaway doesn’t go to dinner at the Clampett’s later that evening looking like one of The Three Musicians. Picasso in a doctor’s office is nice decor; looking at Picasso swallowing chicken gizzards and downing it with moonshine at the Clampett’s dinner table is a horse of a different color. And cover your mouth, Miss Hathaway. Eating mashed taters with your jaw chewing in obsidian proportions is a little nauseating. I know I’d pass on a second helping of Leg of Lamb And Bucket o’ Shrimp Flambe.

And Marcia Brady will have to punch back in at Milford Audi. The owner wasn’t crazy about giving Marcia the time off during Inventory Clearance Event. So what if some punk kid was mired in the middle of bureaucratic pettiness? According to the owner, if the President of Milford Swimming Pool Supply drives out of the lot with a ’07 with barely 125,000 because the Little Old Lady from Milford only drove it on Saturday to hold the sign that said “New Thayer Sucks!!!!!!!” or “Oakwood Only Has 7 Legitimate Children On The Field!!!!!!!!!!” at Mudlark football games, then Tiki can sleep on a park bench that Gil and Mimi pass by when jogging. Shut the damn VCR off and get your ass back on the sales floor, Marcia.

And it’s a beautiful day. Usually, when it’s storming the streak in the window resembles someone’s drawing pencil gone a tad awry on vellum paper. Not today. New Madrid Fault City. Only thing missing is the earthquake but Tiki already took the steamboat down the Mississippi with Mr. Twain and his entourage to enroll at Milford. The Richter Scale has left the barn, just past Cairo.

 

If ya got yore finger up yore ass cuz ya fergot to buy some toilet tissue at Milford Convenient Mart even tho ya got plenty a’ Polish sausage on a bun, with pickles and relish, not ta mention a hefty helpin’ of Mudlark-style mustard, plus 2 bags a Lays Tater Chips in th’ 3 pound containers, Bar-B-Q and Cream Dill Pickle plus 34 3-Liter bottles a’ Mudlar-K-Cola Lemon Lime that’ll cause ya to burp up videos of Tiki when he was in diapers or takin’ his first baby steps at the Fleming’s household, ya might be a redneck.

 

And how does Mr. Ballard KNOW these yahoos have graduated? Mr. Ballard, take your finger out of your butt. If you can substantiate evidence that the administrative staff at New Thayer High School sent their transcripts to you when the UPS truck pulled up in your driveway to deliver that and Avon perfume bottles and booklets to your wife, then OK, I’ll take my Avon Shampoo and rub the Kiwi Fruit gel all over my hair and like it.

Otherwise, you have some explaining to do. How did you KNOW they graduated? Did you attend their Commencement? Watch them throw their graduation caps in the air? Listen to one of them give the Valedictorian Address?

“Fellow New Thayerians, if you want to prepare for the Game of Life, don’t be like my friends who turned out to be the Pharaohs in ‘American Graffiti’ and played the Jimmy Dean Fast-Track pinball machine all day at Milford Arcade. They may have racked up the points for several hours but the quarter they inserted in the slot could only beep off the bumpers for so long. Eventually, Game Over.”

The next day

“Oh, Tiki, Bugs Meany gave a very moving address. Said he regretted beating the shit out of Encyclopedia and will make restitution by joining the Peace Corps.”

And as long as we’re performing this Kitchen Cabinet meeting in the Office of the Mayor with the Official Seal of the City of Milford behind Mr. Ballard  displayed yesterday, I  might as well compliment the janitor who managed to mount “Still Life at Mudlark Lake” on the wall behind Hadley Venom. Raphael must have taken hours with the watercolors to paint all the wildlife and whatnot in 16th-century Milford.

P2-“Sorry, Mr. Ballard, I applied too much Vidal Sassoon this morning on my white streak. The flies are attracted to the foam. My dad uses some on his head and face to keep his eyebrows from falling off. Now about that Writ of Mandamus.”

 

At the Milford Marriott one day

KLLLLLLUUUNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKK

“OMIGODDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Someone fell from the 15th floor and crushed my hamstrings!!!!!!!!!!!! Call The Shark!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Hi, I’m Joe Sharkey at Sharkey Law Office. When you’re on the go and someone chases poor defenseless Bugs Bunny on a high rise because he was jealous of Bugs’ carrot intake and subsequently smashes your windshield, you need legal help to cover the cost of the resulting damages. Let’s face it, there’s no way you can return to work and tape gun packages and send them down the line to load on the truck when you’re missing your ankles. You need compensation and you need it fast.”

“I understand he ran an insurance agency in the ground because of poor decisions such as this one. He needed to keep his finger in his mouth but when Bugs Bunny asked Mr. Ballard about a Homeowners Policy, Mr. Ballard forgot to step back inside the room. Talking about Crab Grass Coverage got the better of him. But The Shark made him pay. Thanks, Shark, I got a generous settlement and Mr. Ballard is banned from the second floor and up at Marriotts all over the country. He can’t even use the elevator.”

“You heard the man. Even insurance agents need to know where to float and when they don’t, the consequences are brutal. But find out for yourself. Use a Q-Tip instead of your ring finger and call 1-FON-THe-JAWS today to see if The Shark can help you get out of Tape Gun Hell and on to the road to financial compensation. One call, that’s all.”

 

Special edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Ballard Lands On O.J.’s VW Jetta After Falling From Mayor’s Office!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Next time, I’ll take the freeway. The dude ruined the chassis on the vehicle.”

 

And P3 is interesting

“My dad is here to make sure they’ll be no more more body snatchers coming out of New Thayer. You know how they breed in that town.”

Hadley Venus, I’ll be looking out for any plant pods with abnormal growths, particularly ones the size of a Lyft automobile. I’ll be bringing my scanner when I’m talking a walk around the football practice field. Can never be too careful.

 

“We’ll be back in a moment when Judge Wapner comes out of his chamber and renders a decision on Tiki Jansen vs. Topeka. I’m Doug Llewellyn for The People’s Court here in WDIG-TV.”

 

“Whew, all this finger-pointing back and forth and a few stuck in their tonsils makes me kinda thirsty, doesn’t it you? If you could use a cold one, head on down to Milford Beverage Warehouse when you’re through picking your teeth.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp. When you need to leave your attitude at the door and your fingers in your pocket and not in your dentures, The Warehouse will help you along with these bargain burners. How ’bout Cook’s Champagne at an unbelievable $5.99. Perfect when you’ve shaken hands and called a truce and said Tommy can attend Milford but will need a cane to walk the hallways so he doesn’t run into Ms. Rizk’s typewriter. Hey, this Bud’s for you,. Tommy, even if you are deaf, dumb, and blind.

How ’bout Jim Beam Black, straight from the barrels, at a ridiculous $18.99, chaser included? Let’s face it, when you take your finger out of your ass and fall several stories like that gorilla in a Bugs Bunny cartoon, you need to be feelin’ no pain. Just give me the shot glass and La La Land, here I come.

And because we have gotten an OVERWHELMING response, The Warehouse has an exciting promo on tap. That’s right, if you can stand taller than Wink Martindale’s hair, the cardboard cut-out standing by the Wrigley’s Spearmint Gum rack at Register #2, you will get a free brewskie of Natural Light Ice plus you can enter in the drawing for a chance to win a paid vacation for 2 to Milford Valley Vineyards B & B. Wow, I wish Mimi and I could go on our honeymoon again and take a tour of the farm, plus indulge in the activities in store for 3 days, including a wine-tasting orgy at dinner and riding the Wild Mouse through the Red Grape section of the farm.

And if you don’t quite measure up, not to worry. If you can stand taller than the Willy Wonka midget cut-out posing next to Wink, you will get a free shot of Heaven Hill Vodka and a bag of Grippo’s Bar-B-Q Chips plus you can enter in the drawing for a chance to win a tour of Milford Brewery. That also sounds exciting. I can take the kids to that one. I’d love for Keri and Jaime to learn how Seagram’s 7 Crown Whiskey is made, from the barley weed straight to the bottle. And them drink it legally? I’m just as good as the ticket in the hat.

Now I’ve heard a few pricks complain about the unfairness of the contest. It’s not their fault they couldn’t surpass Wink’s scalp, dandruff included. All I can say is that’s why you needed to eat your vegetables growing up when you were slurping your Bud. It wasn’t going to kill you to scrape up the last bit of fried okra when you were washing it down with a Miller Genuine Draft. Look what it did to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. The man’s a Hall-of-Famer. ’nuff said.

“Head on down for all the fun and get some great deals while you’re at it. Standing next to Wink with your 18-Pack of Coors in a selfie? Sounds like a winner to me. Get your slice of The Good Life and Wink’s persona and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, it’s your turn. Excuswe me, I gotta go. I have to go to Judge Judy and see whether I have to pay the damages on Gil’s hair. I swear, I thought it was a wasp’s nest. i wouldn’t have used so much Raid.

“…my decision goes to Tiki Jansen.”

“Well, congratulations, Tiki? What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to use that $4,674,693,034 that The Shark got for me and buy some new cleats. My other ones have holes in them. Milford Athletic Foot Emporium is running a sale this week. Excuse me, gotta cut out before they close.”

“No problem, Tiki. Well, that wraps another edition of The People’s Court. This is Doug Llewellyn reminding you, that if you have you have smelly fingers because you are up in arms about what your neighbor did to your lawn mower, for gosh sakes, don’t take matters in your own hands and use your riding mower to shave off his beard. Take it to court.”

August 6, 2019

Look At That Business Woman, She Even Finally Got The High Five Right.

081619

Imagine her, all of her wealth

And in the arms of somebody else

I imagine her in court

 

With her communication skills

Cabinet full of videos and pills

Paying the bills and beating the WAP!!!!!!

 

You’ll never understand

Manipulative mind of that woman

Powerful debauchery in her eyes

 

Look at that Business Woman

She’s got a nose in your business

Look at that Business Woman

Her hair’s not much whiter than Pearl’s

 

Somebody oughta put a helmet and shoulder pads on the Business Woman. She no doubt knows the playbook better than the players on the Mudlark roster, the way she’s been entrenched in the affairs of the football team. Little wonder why I used The Church’s “Business Woman” (Steve Kilbey, your songwriting is STRONG, My Man) to attend to things.

Oh, when she’s not at the Milford Country Club to see if she should do a mid-career switch from law to the LPGA. Might I make a suggestion? Our high school has won beaucoup State Championships in Boy’s Golf and Girl’s Golf and if she wants to elevate her game, look no further than being with our own to see if she’s got what it takes. Pair her up with a couple of sophomores and if she can drive the ball longer than the youngsters, then sure, let’s pair her up with Nancy Lopez. But if she makes a habit of landing in the sand while the teenagers sink par after her par, well, as the old saying goes, don’t quit your day job. Some people are better at strong-arming School Board members whose businesses were in a lull period so they wrote a letter telling Tiki to get the Hell out of Dodge than they are missing the pin oak tree on the fairway on #9. Probably explains why THAT plot was an aborted flight. Thorpiverse simply never admitted that the Business Woman’s beginner’s luck was no substitute for PRACTICE, something you’ll need if you want to do better than the several-strokes-over-par-round-even-with-a-handicap game you more than likely shot the SECOND TIME AROUND but Thorpiverse didn’t record. Why show the dirty laundry and ruin a promising plot?

Golf game aside, L.A. Law has swooped in and preyed on the squirrels that is the School Board members and left nothing for the vultures to eat. And a recycled plot is saved for another day. It’s nice to know that when Tiki is playing in the 35-and-over Co-ed League at Milford Softball Complex and the Milford Parks & Recreation mails him a letter positing that he’ll have to move back to New Thayer because he has titanium bats in his bag, titanium being something the Milford EPA banned in the city limits, he can always dial long distance to Chicago and call the Business Woman. She’s got a chip and a head on her shoulders, 2 valuable assets when pleading your case before the Rec Board. You might need a video but you can always shoot one of Tiki at Mudlark Lake using one of the bats as a fishing rod to prove their environmental friendliness. The beauty is, it’ll be awhile before we reach nirvana. The Tiki Plot will encounter several rebirths before then, especially if the Business Woman has anything to do with it.

 

If yore lawyer got ya a reprieve until ya can fix the septic tank at yore trailer park after showin’ the Milford Zoning Board a video of yore neighbor’s raw spillage of Totino’s Pepperoni pizza crusts (the pizza of choice fer rednecks, just pop it in the microwave ’til ya charred the damn thang and enjoy while yuz watchin’ the Super Bowl) all over the streets of Milford Trailer Vista, the same neighbor bein’ the pot callin’ the kettle black just cuz yore septic tank is missin’ a coupla bolts and causin’ at worst a minor stink with just a few old horseflies and a few skeeters buzzin’ about, nuthin’ else, ya might be a redneck.

 

Doncha love the Business Woman pointing the finger at Tiki in P1? Hasn’t he had ENOUGH of that? Wasn’t that the point of this plot? Stop allowing the Rockville School Board to shout “J’accuse!” at our hero because they never bothered to see the video of Bugs Meany and his gang threaten Tiki? It was bad enough that we never got to the heart of the matter as to why Mr. Ballard and Granny Clampett and the other School Board members would send him a letter stating that he would have to withdraw from Milford at the earliest hour when the evidence had already confirmed that he was a member in good standing. What was the point of putting him in Double Jeopardy? There was nothing else on the agenda and the School Board had to concoct something exciting just to boost attendance?

“Hey, I know!!!!!! Let’s send him a letter saying his septic tank went on the frizz again, causing Milford Trailer Vista to shut down for 2 months!!!!!!!! Everybody will be at that meeting. They’ll want restitution. Not even the Business Woman can get him out of paying the street and yard cleanup. He’s just as good as ‘Hit the showers!!!!’ It’ll be nice to use more than one sheet of steno paper to record the minutes.”

And maybe that explains why she IS pointing the finger.

“OF COURSE!!!!!!! You’re free to play. But that’s not the issue. Remember when you turned on the garden hose on that day when it was really muggy? And you forgot to turn it off because you wanted to catch the radio broadcast to see if the Cubs regained the lead? Well, your neighbor’s watermelon patch next door got flooded and…”

Well, I don’t think she’s screaming “You ran a slant and the play called for a buttonhook!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Her mind reveals a lump of coal

Stopped like the flutters in death’s robe

When she reveals her marriage plans

 

All of her bitches come deep and swift

Promise her anything only if

She’s going to have to ditch her dad

 

She’ll never understand

The entire playbook in one day

Time to head home, come what may

 

Look at that Business Woman

She’s got her head in her buttocks

Look at that Business Woman

Her hair’s not much whiter than Carol’s

 

Remember that flunky that followed that gangster who used to always say “Shaddup”? One of Bugs Bunny’s nemeses?

“Oh, Boy, Boss, we held up the Milford Federal Bank 3 times this week and we hot wired a coupla ‘vettes so we can head to our hideout in North Bend and live large and the best part is we won’t have to attend any more School Board meetings!!!!!!!! That video clearly shows we were racin’ the streets and alleys of New Thayer and gunnin’ down a couple of squad cars. No way they could prove we bombed Ms. Rizk’s classroom!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Shaddup.”

“Does that mean I’m back on the football team? I may have a fat ass but I can pull-block. And I know how to protect the quarterback’s blind spot. Coach T even thinks I can play a little tight end even if I have have lunky hands like Foghorn Leghorn.”

“Shaddup”

“And I think Mr. Ballard couldn’t sell an automobile policy to an Indy driver. And, Boss, he’s got lice in his beard. Does he ever shower? He smelled like Tiki’s septic tank. And Carol uses Geritol to treat her herpes. Old people’s medical products won’t bail you out if you’re sexually indiscriminate.”

“Shaddup”

“And are those guys ACTUALLY playing football in P1? It’s been so long since we’ve seen any sports. Just Looney Tunes and the Business Woman and her boyfriend-cum-fiancee. And her dad who’s in a mid-life crisis at 81. When I saw the helmets, I thought ‘what’s a road construction crew member with a Stop and Slow sign doing at the practice field? Then it hit me. Gawrsh, THEY”RE PLAYING FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!! I know because crane operators don’t normally wear jock straps. You don’t do a cup check on a cement mixer. I’ll bet you didn’t know that, huh, Boss?”

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHADDUP MEANS SHADDUP

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Judge Ito Declares O.J. Will Not Have To Vacate Condo Even If Costco Is Moving In The Suite Next Door!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“It is my understanding that the Milford Zoning Board had designated the property a mixed-usage development with an easement so The Bucket could use the grass lot for overflow parking on Saturday night.”

 

Boy, the Chunky Bracelet Parade is in full display today. Business Woman bought a few at Milford Consignment Shoppe and must have picked up a few off the ground when she was at Milford Towing and Recovery to retrieve a teenager’s car after the car got its title mixed up with another car which was supposed to be towed to New Thayer Towing and Recovery. The Milford Towing people have VCR’s. They should have watched the video of the New Thayer owner sticking the title in the glove box. There’d be no misunderstanding. And Business Woman wouldn’t be plucking stray brass rings and copper fixtures out of junk vehicles and putting them on her wrists.

I’ll give Thorpiverse this. They got the sound effect right for once. I personally would have liked WHAP but I’m not particular. Just PLEEEEASSSEEEEE no more KRUNK or FLOK or SPLACK or any of the other noises Bigfoot makes in Milford Nature Area when he’s taking a dump.

“Batman!!!!!!! Look out!!!!!!!!! Here comes Bigfoot!!!!!!!”

FART

Oops, not even Batman did that to The Riddler. Let’s try again

“Batman!!!!!!! Look out!!!!!!!!! Here comes Bigfoot!!!!!!!”

CRATCH

“You knocked him cold, Batman.”

“Yes, and with the Hydrogenated Anti-matter Dephosphated Soporific Bat Sleeping Gas, Chief O’Hara and the rest of the Milford Police should be here before he wakes up.”

 

And speaking of Batman, not sure why The Joker is making her dad wear a suit and be a prop. Why would that be necessary if you she were trying to track down the Bat Cave? Be in your best seersucker when you finally locate the Bat Computer? And is the School Board meeting still a go? I thought that was a dead issue. As in sports, expect the unexpected in Thorpiverse. Evidently, Business Woman wants her dad to be in his best Joe Pesci and bring his accordion that’s on his desk in P3 to entertain the School Board members. Playing some polka like Bobby Vinton’s “Melody of Love” would soften anybody’s renewed efforts to run Tiki out of town. The Lawrence Welk Theme ought to bring Ballard the Insurance Guy to his knees. Get Carol Merrill at 85 cryin’ those crocodile tears.

“I haven’t cried this much since I showed some man and his family that Bahamas trip for 4 behind Door #3.”

And maybe it’s just me, but aside from the inexplicable time-lapse growth of Mr. Baxendales’s hair caused by an outpouring of Rogaine and oat bran mix, is Mr. Baxendale striking the Napoleonic pose? Otherwise, he appears to be holding those sheets of paper containing business news and insider info at Milford Downs with his left ring finger and pinky. I tip my hat to a guy who can bet the winning horse and hold the form on his thumbnail, no question.

And does she always wear Ford Explorer piston rings when she’s talking to her dad? I know she’s trying to look stylish but…

 

“And that’ll wrap up another practice here on the gridiron. I’ll be talking with Coach T. in a moment. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“Did your loved one pass away recently and your budget did not allow for cremation? Wasn’t it a bitter pill to swallow to see the corpse lie in state in the truck bed while the Dodge Ram peeled away towards the Milford Medical Research Center? As one family related to me, it was shocking to find out Grandpa Jones was subdivided all over the lab, or so the nurses said. It was painful to put his head in a jar while his hands were substituted for frog legs to do testing on nerve impulses. And don’t go there about his gluteus maximus. That became some kid’s trampoline after testing that with Dacron.

Hi, I’m Doctor Pearl, speaking on behalf of Milford Funeral Solutions. The friendly staff here understands the concerns of many families strapped for funds but want the dignified procedures that accompany cremation. That’s why they have partnered with Milford Scrap Metals, Inc. to facilitate a better way to The Promised Land. For a cost that would cause a mild surprise, Milford Funeral Solutions can take your loved one, after proper service and heartfelt testimony of the deceased when he or she was alive, and drive the Dear Departed  to Milford Scrap Metals, Inc. for a righteous send-off.

Don’t worry, after all the aluminum has separated from the iron, staff workers at the incinerator ensure that the device is completely devoid of any metals or the occasional Diet Coke 16 -ounce bottle that gets accidentally thrown in the fire. Your loved will never know what hit him or her as the flames reach an apogee that will take him or her to the Stairway to Heaven. No leftover material has ever graced the surroundings, your loved one has vanished into another dimension, ready to join those who wait for him in the Heavenly Garden. Isn’t wonderful to not spot charred bone or misrouted dentures around the fireplace, let alone the hearse crash into one of the semi’s filled with #2 copper because the police-escorted cavalcade kept the Path to El Dorado pig iron ingot-free and devoid of rebar trucks? And you didn’t have to dip into your retirement and pay an early withdrawl penalty.

Yes, Milford Funeral Solutions truly has discount cremations designed to bring peace of mind to your loved one and your pocketbook. Come check them out today and let your own Uncle Charlie get the Trial by Fire via The Shadow of Death without allowing your car to be repossessed. You owe it to yourself and your loved one.”

 

Take ‘er away, Gang. I think we still are going to have a School Board meeting. Maybe not. But maybe one day Tiki will sign with the Cubs…

Couldn’t resist, Robmize, couldn’t resist.

 

And when she comes, the plot explodes

Exquisite bracelets in outrageous mode

When dad’s hair grows, it’s suddenly gone

 

Maybe you’ll find it, maybe you won’t

Maybe Dad loves her, maybe he don’t

Maybe he’ll wear a peruke all alone

 

You’ll never comprehend

The hair transplants she gave to Dad

A Business Woman, that’s her path

 

Look at that Business Woman

She bought some hair for his scalpline

Look at that Business Woman

She’s got more white hair than Dad’s chest

July 16, 2019

What’s This Summer All About?

Filed under: big arms, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots, Piss faced Tiki, Tilden — tdrewhardin @ 8:10 am

071619

Frankly, I’m confused. Here I was in my Ethan Allen recliner chair, jumbo extra-buttered popcorn in one hand, 2 liter of Diet Coke I froze in the fridge in other hand, more where that came from behind the leftover celery and carrots and spinach dip tray in the Amana, plenty of Mike ‘n’ Ike on the coffee table, running the gamut from sour balls to chocolate gumbo lover’s delight (milk chocolate and okra, mmmmmmm, mmmmmmm) , and I was ready to pop the DVD in the player, I DID pop the DVD in the player, expecting to see the Warner Brothers logo and Bugs Bunny’s face grace the middle of the logo, the Looney Tunes Theme played with aplomb by Metallica, then suddenly Bugs Bunny reclining while munching on another carrot, pulling on the curtain to introduce another installment, “Bugs Breaks Par at MCC” or “Hare Ball with Gil” or even “Bunny Bag Full of Tricks and Clubs”. “5-Iron Hare” wasn’t really going to cut it but I had this barrel of popcorn to balance on the arm rest and beggars can’t be choosers, y’know.

But WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!!!! What in the name of Pepe Le Pew was going on? Oh, this stunk all right but it had nothing to do with a skunk trying to hit on Mimi throughout the cartoon.

“Ah, my love. Domp yor hus-BEND and cum wizz me and I weel show you zee fi-NER zings in Oak-WOOD.”

Dating a skunk in another Rockville at their version of The Bucket, playing “Red River Valley” by Red Sovine, the K-Tel version, off the jukebox, it’s easy to see why Mimi rejected Pepe’s advances.

“Phew!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn, Mimi, your blouse stinks to high heaven!!!!!!!!! Man, your whole outfit reeks of roadkill!!!!!!!!! Have you been seeing another man?”

 

Meanwhile, back on the field, I am utterly disappointed. I was expecting a golf plot but got “Alfie”

What’s it all about

TIKI

Is it just for the Summer

You live

 

What’s it all about

When you play it out

The TD reception you give

Or are you meant to cover

Your man

 

And if only fools are toast

Then I guess it’s wise to be Wonder Bread

 

And if the game belongs to the talented

What will you lend based on an old golden rule

 

As sure as I believe there is a Heaven above

I know you can do so much more

Something even non-football converts believe in

I believe in ability

TIKI

 

Without ability, you’re just standing like the goal post

Until you find the receiver, you’re ancient history

TIKI

 

When you find him, stick to him

Like Elmer

And you’ll find the pass meant for

The split end

TIKI

 

Oh TIKI

 

Mortifying a plot by mortifying a pseudo-Othello with one of my favorite in the business, Dionne Warwick. Life is good.

 

I normally wait until the end to comment but Franku brings up an interesting point. Why is Tiki playing if they are essentially ruling him ineligible? Gang, when I was coaching Babe Ruth Baseball, we couldn’t touch high school players from their teams until we got a written release from their coach. Don’t want Big Brother a/k/a High School Athletic Association snoopin’ around and seeing if a couple of high school pitchers are doing warm-ups with the rest of the staff or the high school catcher running laps around the complex without either scenario’s John Henry stating it was all good to go.

I have to believe Tilden wouldn’t cross the Alps with Hannibal and the rest of the elephants and hippos for a non-sanctioned event, let alone playing a team with somebody at the mercy of a School Board meeting. It’s bad enough trying to find enough water to water down the hippos but does Tilden have to get tangled up in Blues (oh, shit, turn off that Dylan CD, T. Drew) , uh, tangled up in someone else’s hippo poop? Well, I guess what Dylan was talking about and what I’m talking about might as well be the same only you can’t bring a hose to a School Board meeting. You’ll just have to come without Pepe.

“What do yoo men, I cant cum to zee mee-TING? I can strai-zen zees hole zing out. I can bribe zee luvlee lady Board Member wiz my charms-and a Buck-EET Bur-GAIR. Estee Lauder and BEEG Macs wark ev-er-EE time. ”

Anyway, Tilden crossed the Rubicon without a hitch. It’ll be Gil’s cross to bear when it comes to Alfie, er, Tiki.

 

Come to Galan’s Meat’s in Louisville, Kentucky. They are just about to move in a new building and I can see why. They offer the freshest meats around from ground round to prime rib to bar-b-q ribs. And it is cut daily so you are in for a treat. And if you want a sandwich, from pork chop to hamburger, with sides like potato salad or cole slaw, the grill is continually smokin’ until closing time. Man, my mouth is watering even as I text. They are on Market Street in West Louisville, Kentucky and you owe it to yourself to dig in. I sure did.

Support Small Business. You need to go where everyone knows your name.

 

“Hi, this is Joe Sharkey. If you’ve been injured in an accident, you need money to pay the medical bills. Insurance companies are digging through the playbook to look for ways to run over, out-hustle, out-block, out-play, and out-smart the competition.

Don’t be like Loser Jensen here in P1 who got torched for a Fly pattern and subsequently watched the insurance companies high-five each other in the end zone. They will stop at nothing to run up the score. If they can’t beat you on the field, believe me, they will yank out the rule book and try to beat you on a technicality.”

“I got my bell rung when a construction worker tried to dig up the street to get to a pipeline, blasting the sucker with dynamite and the manhole cover conking me out and ripping a side of my face. The insurance companies tried to get technical by saying our receiver’s birth certificate was notarized a day after the Notary Public’s term expired. Thank God, The Shark had a stopwatch and determined that the Notary signed the affidavit 10 minutes before he turned into a pumpkin. Thanks, Shark.”

“You heard right. Don’t let insurance companies cheat you out of the TD you ran and the face-lift you deserve because they were trying to get a replay from some schmuck’s cheap K-Mart camcorder. Call 1-FON-THE-JAWS and get the money you deserve.”

 

Oooooooooookkkkkkkkk, so we’re not going the injury lawyer route in P1. Hadley Venom is not going to be an ambulance chaser and get the insurance number for Tiki when he gets his face spiked by a Tilden fullback.

Then there’s the other question “Is this a dream within a dream?”, to quote Alan Parsons off “Tales of Mystery & Imagination.” In other words, the Tilden players, coaches, elephants, hippos, cheetahs, chimpanzees, etc. are here to stay, at least in the next few days (“In your FACE, Curious George!!!!!!!!”, “C’mon, Babar, do the Sack Dance with me!!!!!!!!!”) , but what of the plot per se? Will this be a mini-plot that lasts until Labor Day, then we turn on the afterburners and find out Jaquan wants to coach the receivers and marry Hadley Vertigo on the 50-yard line and watch the Mudlark players work out the logistics of setting up the altar, arranging for the minister, rehearsing with Ed Asner (GOOD ONE, TEENCHY) on giving away his daughter, constructing the reception table with Marty Moon as the DJ (Can’t have Booby do it, Rockville’s still mad at him; and Ernie the P has lost his audience. Imagine Harold Stassen spinning Carl Perkins’ “Honey Don’t” on the turntable and you get the idea) , everyone rehearsing throwing rice at the couple, and hiring a limo to haul them off to Mudlark Lake Resort for the honeymoon?  BTW, as long as Luhm is around with a mega-blower that could knock over the Sears Tower, the rice ought to cleared out at least as far as Siberia in time for the real thing. The limo should drive of with Uncle Ben in its tread. But the question remains with the Minute Rice question laid to rest. Is this or is this not a mini-plot?

Or will this blend into the football season and Heather Burns returns to give Tiki pointers on how to properly blindside your opponent, especially in his private areas when he’s not learning Torts and Comparative Fault from Hadley Victim’s Rights? One day, he’s learning the proper footwork on how to defense a tight end, then the next day, he’s in a courtroom soaking up 49 ways to prepare a case brief (“Make sure you do what Alice Cooper does and come early in the morning when nobody’s around the Xerox machine.”) And this pas de deux gracefully saunter for months leading into Thanksgiving? Gang, aren’t you excited? Time to hit the microwave and nuke another Jiffy Pop while I’m rewinding the DVD. And if Charlie from My Three Sons, er, Heather Burns’ dad returns with a vengeance, it’s time to get the White Castle cheeseburgers out of the freezer and nuke those too. Can’t have enough excitement on this website, don’t ya know.

 

If ya’s playin’ in a 7-on-7 Weekend Softball Tournament and ya wanna play center field cuz ya wanna work off the excess Falls City by chasin’ down all the balls hit down the left field line cuz the manager ain’t got a left fielder amongst his 7 players and yore cut-off man is yore Sterling-bellied pitcher,  ya might be a redneck.

 

“Coach!!!!!!!! Coach!!!!!!!!!! I know who shot Coach Shaw!!!!!!!!!!!”

“GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let me get on my cell phone with the police!!!!!!! Who was it?”

“It was———-”

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

‘Sorry, Coach, we need to fix that lock. but we oughta be able to lure that hippo back to the trailer with some prime rib.”

“I understand, but now we’re down to 7-on-6.”

 

 

P2-“Dude, your head is so far up your ass, the chimpanzees might mistake you for an ostrich. You are really out of it today.”

“Not true. I am perfectly focused and ready for the next play.”

“Well. I’d put on my helmet before you got on the field instead of that earthen pot of marigolds you got in your hand from the gardens of the Milford Public Library grounds.”

Trying to put it on

“Is there any Miracle-Gro in the equipment shed?”

 

Come to The Bookworm in Corydon, Indiana. There is wide selection of used books that can suit just about any fancy that has been satisfying mine for several years. I LOVE their Louis L’Amour collection, being a Western buff, so I frequent the place as much as I’m humanly able. There is a book that is bound to cater to any taste so you owe it to yourself to talk to a friendly face or two and check out the selection. Their cook books are to die for, Gang. Support Small Business. You need to go where everybody knows your name.

 

 

 

Oh, look, Howdy Doody had an interracial marriage at some point in his career and his progeny is in P3. Love that toothy smile. And nice to see the gloves he obtained when he skinned a leopard either from the Tilden caravan or out in the woods where the mutant poplars abide. Leopards aren’t picky. And, evidently, neither is Howdy VI.

I agree that Tiki should dial it in. He has all these legal terms as well as the play book to memorize, for pete’s sake. Give him time. Rezoning Variance and a buttonhook pattern can be Hell to memorize in one night.

 

“And the gun goes off, indicating the end of the 3rd quarter, with the score, Tilden, 37, Milford, 34. This is Marty Moon at the 7-on-7 scrimmage on Mudlark Practice Field and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“Folks, if you’re like me, you grew up with all the games shows like Joker’s Wild to Concentration to The Match Game. And with game show hosts like Bill Cullen or Pat Sajak, you couldn’t go wrong with great personalities with a nifty sense of humor.

But there’s one game show host that you, the customers, voted as the one you’d kill for an autograph were he 50 feet from your person. That’s right, Wink Martindale was the man most people would run over their grandmother for while driving their pickup truck should they ever be confronted with the opportunity. Even if the light was red.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse. And from now until the end of July, if you’ll come in with a memento of ol’ Wink himself, you’ll receive a 12-pack of your favorite brew and a $2 bag of chips. Mmm, mmm, I think I have that newspaper clip in the 1978 Milford Enquirer of Wink in the TV section hosting The Gong Show. Chuck Barris was sick with the flu that day so Wink pinch-hit in superb fashion with a group of parakeets singing “Don’t Leave Me This Way” the winner. Only Wink and Thelma Houston could do it any better. God, that Pabst Blue Ribbon Dark and a $2 bag of Mike-Sell’s Pork Rinds. And I have Wink to thank for that. Thanks, Mr. Martindale.

Sorry, it won’t do any good to bring in your scrap book photos of Bob Clayton when he was hosting Concentration, coaxing another homemaker to victory with the phrase “Moose Lye-k-Lee 2 Sox-Seed.” She might have won a trip to the Bahamas and a Home Version of Concentration but she’ll get no free booze here. She’ll need to go the Milford Public Library for a microfiche in the ’70’s of Wink hosting the $25,000 Pyramid (“You have a jaw like Roger Moore from James Bond.” “Did you do your hair at the Milford Dry Cleaners? You could put another face of Mount Rushmore on it.” “THINGS YOU’D SAY TO WINK!!!!!!!!” DING DING DING DING) if she wants her Stroh’s Lite ‘n’ Firm and Lay’s Vinegar ‘n’ Borscht.

And don’t bother with your 3-D photos of Art Fleming. I know you purists think Alex Trabek ruined Jeopardy and you’d like the old-school game show hosts to grace the stage once again (“Game Show Hosts for $200.” “He hosted Jeopardy back in the early ’70’s and got a hickey from a soccer mom when she got the Daily Double correct.” “Who is Dick Clark?” “No, that is incorrect…”) but Art Fleming and his nasally sexy voice won’t get you a Bud Gold and the $2 box of Rice Chex Mix that goes with it. It’s either Wink Martindale or you are listening to a report from the stock yards.

 

Bring in that photo of you posing with Wink and Mickey Mouse at Milford Disney World and get a free slice of The Good Life for your troubles. C’mon, people, do ya really want to do a Polaroid of you and Gene Rayburn at the beach of Mudlark Lake? I hope Gene has plenty of UV protection. You deserve to be compensated for your loyalty to a man who was considered by Entertainment Weekly to be the most influential game show host of the ’80’s and ’90’s. Get on down here with your 8 x 10 of ol’ Wink for some Miller Lite and pretzels and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Comment away. I get the feeling this is gonna drag on and on and on and…

Do ya really wanna see this in another commercial along with the Energizer Bunny? Thought so.

 

You better let somebody lovvvvveeeee you

TIKI

 

“Ahhhhhhh, Tiki, cum into my arms, don’t beeee shy, Pepe weel hep yoo get away from Haz-LEE Ve-NOME, DON’T RON AWAYYYYYY”

 

You better let somebody ELSE love you

TIKI

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