This Week in Milford

January 8, 2019

Twin Gils Of Different Plots

Filed under: Coach Kaz, freak hands, Kelly Krystek, Pissy faced Kaz, Prairie Style Windows — tdrewhardin @ 1:25 pm

 

Every morning

We pick up the Post

We hope the plot im-proves

But it never does

 

So you take some sucker

And milk this thing dry

Try to help the schmuck from reeling

Into plot awry

 

Buttttt

Once upon a time

You had a strip that was runnin’ fine

When all the others

Simply don’t compare

 

You’re out of your mind

But once upon a time

You had us thereeeeeee

 

(Sweet guitar interlude)

 

Every morning

You shake out your hair

Thinking this plot’s got some flair

But it never does

 

So you take the excerpts

From Nancy and Sluggo

Prince Valiant and Pogo

And some Alley-Oop

 

Buuuutttttttt

 

Once upon a time

The strip was runnin’ mighty fine

When even Mark Trail did not dare compare

You’ve contracted I Me Mine

But once upon a time

You had us therrrrrrrrreeeeeeeee

 

 

Okay, Dan Fogelberg off my chest, is SPECTRE involved in getting Gil out the door? Otherwise, what in the world is the deal with these billboards? You mean, Moonraker hasn’t heard of school board meetings? Dr. No splats his messages on billboards on some god-forsaken highway from Hell when he could just as easily aim a Stealth bomber from Mt. Milford, his hideout, and X out the Mudlarks if he wasn’t satisified with Gil’s coaching? Really, if he’s above parliamentary procedure, he DOES possess the wherewithal for world domination, why let Madison Avenue carry out his dastardly deeds? He sends some teenage flunky to announce he’s going to annihilate Milford if his demands aren’t met to pave the way for Goldfinger to be the coach? Dammit, Dr. No, open up your volcano and pour hot molten lava all over WDIG studios and be done with it. I promise, Dr. Pearl will swear in Blofeld as the coach at the earliest convenience. Once all the hallways are clear of magma after Luhm’s 317th time of running the buffer, of course. Sometimes, magma is hard to come out of a tile floor. The point is, since when did YOU go by the book to achieve world domination?  Then 007 would be out of a job and forced to work with Luhm. I hope Mr. Bond has a toilet plunger in his Aston Martin

 

 

Then there’s the story today. Are we sure we’re not reading “Cat in the Hat”?

“Madam, so sorry that you misunderstood

This billboard in the neighborhood

I’m sorry if we don’t give a damn

We’d have a better answer for green eggs and ham

May we leave?”

 

You talk about dumbing down a plot. Mr. Not My Job #1 and Mr. Not My Job #2 in their Ninja outfits with their Sinclair logo on their hats just about epitomizes the basketball plot so far and are really in the wrong comic strip. Thorpiverse, leave Cookie’s attitude in Beetle Bailey. We don’t need Cookie making another batch of spaghetti out of Converse LeBron James Signature NBA sneakers shoe strings because, what the hell, General Halftrack will never know the difference. He wears dentures anyway and takes Kaopectate for an after-dinner mint. And TWO COOKIES AT CAMP SWAMPY??????? The pantry will run out of plimsolls making Spaghetti O’s. At least send one of them over to Dagwood to be Dagwood’s butcher who consequently runs up a bill on Oscar Meyer Bologna (“$21.00 on 4 slices???? Exact change???”) just to piss off Dagwood and his neighbor, Herb Woodley. Hell, I’ll compromise and let you jack up the price of London Broil just to watch Mr. Dithers execute a tarantella. Try me.

But in fairness, Kaz’s girlfriend should know better than to confront Larry the Cable Guy over billboards. His job is just to install the cable, not ask questions who paid for it. Git ‘er done even if installing cable is part of a Marxist plot to take over America. Lenin just wants to know what’s on ESPN. Che Guevara likes to watch “Green Acres” on Nick at Nite. Just git ‘er done.

 

 

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. And Oddjob To Open Haberdashery In Mall Next To Milford Men’s Clinic!!!!!”

sub headline

“Spokesperson announced that O.J. would handle the bookwork while Oddjob will be selling out on the floor.”

 

” I want your full report, my insouciant myrmidons. I’m expecting good news.”

“We attended the hearing, Boss.”

“And?”

“Dr. Pearl tripled Coach Thorp’s salary and gave him the keys to the company car. Milford High School has a contract with Avis Rent-a-Car. He also got the ranch house on Mudlark Lake Resort, rent-free.”

“You failed.”

“Yes, I’m sorry, we failed.”

“This organization does not tolerate failure. I will deal with you later. In the meantime, you may leave.”

“Yes, Boss.”

Flunky #1 and Flunky #2, borrowed from Joker’s gang, who are next door trashing Bruce Wayne’s mansion including raping Aunt Harriet, depart out of Blofeld’s office.

As they make their way to the pedway, Ernst Stavro Blofeld steps on the gas pedal, causing a foot bridge to collapse, dumping Flunky #2 in a pool of piranhas. I’ll spare the blood bath.

“FIRE GIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Flunky #1 looks on in shock, then runs and hides in the Ninja Turtles Econoline van, the one with all the Christmas wrapping paper (“Mom. thanks for the great gift!!!!!!! I’ve3 always wanted a billboard message that says ‘You’re mediocre!!!!!’) . Some orders are not meant to be carried out unless submitted in triplicate by Dr. Pearl or the Milford Athletic Committee.

 

 

A friend of mine related her recent office Christmas party recently that featured people  snatching 2-liters under their dapper dress coat, heaps of turkey, chicken, Waldorf salad, peas, green beans, corn, 3 bean salad, cole slaw, macaroni and cheese, cookies, candy, cranberry salad stashed away in their brief cases, pies and cakes wedged under their laptop in their backpack, topped by Cool Whip (how could you forget?) hidden in their fedoras sooooooooooooooo

Coach Kaz in Dr. Pearl’s office, after she recovered her head out of the sink in the cafeteria

“Coach, I don’t mean to pry but why is there Miracle Whip all over your lesson plans?”

“Would  you believe I got in the middle of a food fight?”

 

 

Then there’s P3. Geez Louise, such a cheap take-off some Hardy Boys Mystery.

“Joe saw the billboard that said ‘Gil Is Running Around On His Wife When He’s Not Doing His Usual Mediocre Job Of Coaching’ and decided to go over to Rambo’s condo, the same condominiums O. J. and Johnny Cochrane inhabit, and see if he was willing to kick some tail. Acting on some tip that it was the Sandinistas and the Viet Cong, Joe and Rambo wanted to napalm the Milford Senior Citizen Center where they were reportedly hiding out.  Frank, using a cooler head, told them to rein in their fanatical impulses until Frank could get Chet Morton’s report on the billboard’s history.

Chet was on the Ultra Slim-Fast diet and it it took sheer willpower to slurp on his Ultra Slim-Fast Strawberry Shake and munch tediously on the Ultra Slim-Fast Nutritional Bar, Chocolate, Raspberry, and Almonds while everybody else was hoggin’ on Cheeseburgers and Paradise at The Bucket, not to mention banana splits, but if he wanted to remove the portly tag or plump tag or fatter than Freezer Thompson when Thompson is in the ring with Jerry Lawler for a match which is just a warm-up for Lawler and no belts are on the line tag that he received at the beginning of each Hardy Boys Mystery, he’d concentrate on these billboard reports and fax them to Frank ASAP.

Fortunately, Bugs Meany, trying to make restitution after all the doo-doo he shoveled at Encyclopedia Brown, turned up a key clue. He found out from the billboard company, after Bugs slipped the security guard a 20, that the ad before was a Mudlar-K-Cola promo, with Ricky Ricardo displaying his Charles Atlas chest when he wasn’t at Mudlark basketball games second-guessing Gil. The basketball game that made a man out of Ricky. Nutrament does wonders. Anyway, Bugs pointed out that the ad was pulled a month before the due date, in favor of Mudlark Funeral Home, evidently pissing off Ricky mightily. Promoting taxidermy on Principal Ek over kickin’ some bully’s butt at the Mudlark Lake Beach? Bugs could relate. He’d sneak in an ad when no one was lookin’ either. Git’ er done, Bugs. He knew Larry the Cable Guy would aid and abet in that crime.

Bugs was only glad to help as this was part of Milford High School’s In-School Suspension Early Release Program. Bugs Meany was only happy to oblige, sorry now for saying that Sally Kimball’s mom had a Skull & Dagger tattoo on the right cheek of her butt.”

 

 

Day 12

Marty is captured by Tee Hee Johnson. Tee Hee intends to punish Marty Moon for saying that only Dr. Kananga can coach worse than Gil. Out in Milford Nature Area, plenty of room to roam, Tee Hee leads Marty out to a projecting rock, surrounded by a swamp full of alligators. Tee Hee pulls the section with a pulley connecting the rock to the mainland with the Fake Landscape Bug-Resistant Environmentally Friendly Recyclable Bat Retractor, used by Batman when he’s not in the mood to leave the Batcave. Marty is literally up to his neck in alligators.

Marty remembers he has the Bond Radio stuck up his butt that M loaned him (“Heavens, your gluteus maximus is more difficult to store equipment and gadgets than 007’s”) and tugs it out to play all his broadcasts since ’58. The Voice of Milford is  Tarzan of the Jungle and sends the ‘gators back to the Everglades. Now to find Peaches who is in a tiger pit created by Catwoman (“Roooowwwwwwrrrr, I knew this aphrodisiac would make you fall for the fake crab grass!!!!!!!!) .

 

Seven floors below Mt. Milford, Dr. No and Coach Thorp are discussing the latter’s fate, the gentlemen being treated to a feast fit for a king, Dom Perignon and Bucket Cheeseburgers and Bucket Buffalo Fries; Oddjob threatened to throw his hat at the teenaged waitress if she didn’t have the armored vehicle loaded down with The Bucket’s Finest within the hour. Plus a Bucket Crab Cake Sandwich because throwing hats and beheading Dr. Pearl works up an appetite.

“I thought  there might be a place for you within our organization. I could have killed you the first time when you sat Tiki in that football game. You made SPECTRE lose a bundle on the Vegas Line.”

“And why didn’t you?”

“I thought you less a fool. Normally when a man gets in my way of total world domination and doubling as the Milford Athletic Director, he pays a steep price”, as Dr. No grabs a Wilson Basketball and squeezes the thing until Dr. No’s Minions go play Nerfhoop with it down by the radioactive pool.

“Make sure they flick their wrists or the ball will hit the back of the iron and land in the shark pit.”

Dr. No is losing his patience.

“Unfortunately, you disappoint me, Coach Thorp. You are nothing but a stupid basketball coach whose luck has run out.”

Dr. No summons his guards, built like Coach Kaz all the way down to the Elvis sideburns and earrings.

“Gentlemen, soften Coach Thorp until he is begging to puke no more. Start by playing Marty Moon’s broadcast of Coach Thorp when he gave away that baseball game in ’95 because he left Sharkey, Junior in too long and the other team won it with a last-minute grand slam.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. ANYTHING BUT MARTY!!!!!!!!!!!! THE BULLPEN WAS SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAD JACKIE HILL ON 2 DAYS REST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…….”

 

We’re hoping for good things

To lead us along

Maybe sing us a new song

That will keep us sane.

 

That’s only pipe-dreaming

We might as well be screaming

At the top of our lungs

For a trip with Dick and Jane

 

But once upon a time

You had a strip that was going fine

When Hi & Lois simply don’t compare

You’ve really crossed a line

But once upon a time you had us thereeeeeeeeeeeee

 

 

 

Gang, comment away. For your New Year’s resolution please remember to thank a Veteran. I always take 5 minutes out of my schedule to thank at least 1 Veteran. You do it however you feel comfortable doing it but PLEASE do it.

Also. support Small Business. Choose one mom-and-pop operation and call it your own. If everybody would do that, I’m bettin’ Small Business takes America by storm.

Gang, you need to be where everybody knows your name.

 

 

Hugo Drax, after discovering that Gil will not bolt to the NBA and sign an 8-year contract to coach the LA Clippers, is at The Bucket, booth #23 with Jaws and Holly Goodhead with Plan B

“I’ll write a check. I can always rob the Milford Federal Credit Union with you Jaws biting one of the tellers to cover any overdrafts. Now, order 12,000 Liver Cheeseburgers and make sure there’s enough garlic to unstop a cow. Send them, anonymously of course, to Gil’s office. The perfume in the burgers caused Odysseus to crash on the rocks. The same fate awaits Mr. Thorp. I am leaving to go back to the spaceship. See that great harm is done to Coach Thorp’s duodenum.”

 

 

“Sir, Gil is still with the team. There was a players-only meeting after the game and Gil is still the coach.”

“Then I will go to Lord Vader and apologize for the failure. You’re dismissed.”

ZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

“Apology accepted.”

 

 

 

 

Mimi is lovely

The athletes superb

But there’s something about the plots that disturb us

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January 7, 2019

Who’s Robby? Wait, Who’s Gil Thob?

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Fontastic, Kelly Krystek — nedryerson @ 7:03 am

010719

We pick up our story with Kelly Krystek, intrepid travel agent on her way to drop off Mrs. Kapoor’s travel related items, stopped by the side of the road to take in the latest provocative billboard outside Milford. The message on the billboard is so jarring she has to get out of her Toyota Tardis and stare up at in in wonder from the shoulder. Her head bobbling awe is reminiscent of Steve Martin in L.A. Story:

lastory11

Kelly communicates this incredible outdoor advertising development to her beau, Coach Kaz. Kaz is visibly shaken by this new message, or maybe he’s not moved at all and just thinking about pumping iron, getting a sandwich or just avoiding another dopey assignment from Gil to go snooping around in the affairs of a student athlete.

So we have the big reveal of billboard #3 (in a bold new font that I don’t have time to identify right now): SAVE THE KIDS FIRE GIL THORP robbyreport.com. Oh boy. Now to find out who Robby is and what his report entails.

At the moment, the domain robbyreport.com is available for purchase, so any enterprising individual who wants to get a little bit of exposure can register that domain and link it to whatever content they want to be seen by up to dozens of bored Gil Thorp readers. (You may recall a previous website that was named in Gil Thorp, liniverde.com. Jason bought that domain and redirected it to this very blog [since lapsed]. I’d do that with the robbyreport.com, but that would require effort that I’m unwilling to exert.)

This fictitious website concept reminds me of a development from the Aughts (do we have another name for the first decade of this century?) where Conan O’Brien threw out an offhand reference to hornymanatee.com on his old NBC late night show. Subsequently, he stated that NBC’s legal department required the show to acquire that domain (which they did and then proceeded to use it to host wacky content). It makes sense for a big television network to take that step, lest somebody else register the domain and host something with which the network would rather not be associated. Also, in “those days” there was still some fun to be had about the internet and its geeky structure and we could still laugh at it rather than be largely bored and/or disgusted with it.

Clearly, the producers of the Gil Thorp comic strip don’t care about someone purchasing robbyreport.com and posting something weird on it. Like maybe a blog about how Kelly Krystek’s little hatchback has the interior of a Landcruiser or something. Oh, now wouldn’t that just be embarrassing! Surely, but for who?

ETA: The Comics Curmudgeon came up with a hilarious take on today’s strip, focusing on the vague wording of the latest billboard and how the message very easily be misconstrued as something VERY dark. That never dawned on me. That’s why he’s the most famous comics blogger!

January 5, 2019

Snatch It Back (Up) And Hold It

gt01052019_b&w

GoComics has finally started back putting up the black and white version of the strip, but looking at it today confused me at first.  It looked like Kelly’s tiny hatchback was about to submarine under an eighteen-wheeler Magnus Walker style, potentially making her the first known vehicular casualty in Milford since Addison “Boo” Radley.  The color version we’ve been using of late makes it a bit clearer.

gt01052019_col

Of course the dialogue helps with that too: Kelly has just seen the Third Billboard Outside Milford.  Speaking of Boo Radley, good on Whigham for drawing a Bluetooth cockroach in Kelly’s ear.  Hands-free phone usage while driving in the Thorpiverse from now on, not like the times before.

That whole bit about Mrs. Kapoor* and her hand-delivered itinerary, tickets, etc.?  Just a red herring to get Kelly on the road and driving to the edge of town.  Kinda puts a damper on that whole internet ninja thing she had going.  Heck, even Kaz recognizes that travel agencies are a dying business.  (Let’s try finishing Kaz’s sentence for him.  I’ll start: “As long as she’s going back to India three times a year, it’s three times you won’t have to sell plasma for beer money.”)

Credit where credit is due: that was some pretty quick reaction time on Kelly’s part to get off the highway and onto the shoulder into a sand trap at the Milford CC.

*edit: thanks to Son of teenchy, I was able to make the connection between Kelly and Mrs. Kapoor.  SoT watches The Office whereas I do not.

Musical inspiration for today’s post title:

 

December 25, 2018

I Get To Crash Gil’s Christmas Party This Year-Hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, Kelly Krystek, Mimi Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:52 am

Xgt12252018

Christmas, gang, Is. Just. Another. Paid. Holiday. When Season’s Greetings from Thorpiverse is not on tap. Vaganova and I have witnessed decades of non-stop action (let me rephrase that) , mainly basketball (Mudlarkland has yet to participate in hockey, curling, or figure skating to this point-Peggy Fleming graduated from Jefferson, according its yearbook) , on normally the 1st 2 panels, only to stop-in-the-name-of-Santa-or-whoever-you-worship in P3 where Gil looks to the camera and wishes everybody Happy Holidays. Breaking the Fourth Estate never executed any better.

No other comic strip can duplicate a Mudlark blowing a dunk and Gil cussing him out in 7 languages, then pose with Mimi and the kids in front of an unknown fireplace (Milford Moose Lodge was the rumor, the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade host’s fireplace, the host being Peter Graves as of this writing, had been claimed) , wishing Merry Christmas to all his fans and friends. One year, Gil tried to get Charlie Brown and the rest of the Peanuts gang to appear on the set and shout “Merry Christmas, Charles and Gil!!!!!!!!!”, singing just like in the CB Special “Hark, The Herald Angel Sing”, to round out Charlie Brown AND Gil for a double dip of Christmas excitement, I mean, really, Charlie Brown directing the Christmas pageant featured more action than Gil’s football teams this year. Unfortunately, negotiations stalled with the chief negotiators, Schroeder, Shermy, and Peppermint Patty when they insisted that he’s CHARLIE Brown and not CHARLES Brown. Marty said No Way, Jose, or CHARLES in this case so Gil wound up going on a solo flight this year. Perhaps one year Gil will pose with Loweezy, Snuffy Smith, Tater, Jughaid, Elviney, and Caleb in a group portrait with Santa and his reindeer but that’s another rumor.

And does Marnaduke offer in P1 the thrills and chills of the Celtics-Lakers Finals, Larry Bird trying to go baseline on Magic, or vice versa, with Chick Hearn or Johnny Most proclaiming the Battle of the Titans as Larry or Magic engineers a 180 dunk? Does Pluggers? Ziggy? Please.

Nothing like Kirk Gibson in the ’88 Series, in his only at-bat, BTW, belting that home run off a stunned Dennis Eckersley to the accompaniment of “One Moment in Time” in P1. Then the bottom falls out and you feel like that poor schmuck in “A View to a Kill” being dropped from the zeppelin when P3 suddenly changes the complexion of the strip to “Andy William’s Singaround in Downtown Branson”.

And if you’re beggin’ for another angle after you’ve checked to see if your GAF Viewmaster and the plethora of reels, namely “Gil Thorp Confronts the Mighty Arapahoes at Dinosaur Monument and Challenges Them to a 3-on-3, Call-Your-Own-Fouls Tournament”, has turned up in your stocking, look no further than Don Fischer.

At the 1987 College Basketball Finals against Syracuse, Jerry Pulver to Rodney Filion, aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, Don does it better.

“Pulver in trouble, throws a cross-court pass to Filion. Filion eyes Aardvark down low and sends him a bounce pass. 10 seconds to go on the clock. Aardvark is covered and kicks it out to Keith Smart. 5 seconds to go. One dribble, Smart with the shotGOOOOOOOOO-”

Time out to wish all my friends and fans a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year”, Mimi in the background, like a proud mama, showing off her pumpkin pie that beat Minnie Pearl at the Milford County Fair (Minnie lost points on the price tag on her hat which fell in her rhubarb pie) , while Keri parades her Barbie & Ken Collection at Trump’s Casino and Jaime bounces vigorously his Henry “Hank” Finkel-autographed Spalding basketball.

Again, do you EVER read about this in “Cathy”? Well? Do you?

Carmichael never even heard of Hank Finkel.

 

Shout-out to Edward Potts who works the Valley Station, Kentucky, Meijer Gas Station. His courtesy and respect to the customers runs off on you and really brightens your day. EVERYBODY has a name to him and the clientele feed off of that. As the old saying goes, they don’t pay him enough. Edward, in your case, THEY REALLY DON’T. Treat him with respect next time you walk in there. Lots of it.

LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!! UP IN THE SKY!!!!!!!!!

IT’S A BIRD!!!!!!!!!!!

IT’S A PLANE!!!!!!!!!!!

IT’S SUPER STRIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s right, gang, forgive me, I was used to the Sports Talk, Sports Talk, Schmaltzy Season’s Greetings format, especially in the times of Berrill. Now it’s been superceded with Sing Around The Campfire. Does Kaz know the Latin version of “In Excelsis Deo”, BTW? Is that EVEN Coach Kaz at all? Does Thorpiverse really expect us to buy into Conan The Barbarian singing “Jingle Bell Rock” with the rest of Josie and the Pussycats? And where’s The Terminator’s stud? Is this even Thorpiverse? Really, I thought we were reading Rex Morgan, M.D. for a microsecond until I saw the Dogs ‘n’ Suds in their hands and realized Dr. Morgan doesn’t eat chili dogs because it gives him congestive heart failure. So Sanka ‘n’ Suds it is. Still a bit iffy on the Thorpiverse perspective but Ovaltine ‘n’ Suds (don’t assume The Terminator is a Maxwell House Man, gang) coming from Coach Kaz’s a/k/a Conan’s cup into my own cup oughta steady the nerves.

Still say Mimi looks like one of Charlie’s Angel’s and I would forgive this slight but then WHERE ARE THE KIDS????????? AT MILFORD DAY CARE CENTER????????? Coach, when you wish to extend Season’s Greetings to your family and friends, you need to have ALL YOUR family for this Hallmark Moment. Don’t send them to Siberia, for cryin’ out loud. Yeah, right, Jaime is out with the penguins in the South Pole riding his new bicycle while Keri is at Ms. Rizk’s slumber party in the Journalism room. And I bet Daffy Duck is entertaining them with ghost stories. Keep stretching this one along, Thorpiverse. We might believe you one day.

Well, at least I was right about their renting the Milford Moose Lodge another year. No way their house is that big. Unless their garage is an airplane hangar, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

Gang, Gene Rayburn is back for Match Game 2018, ready to deflate that mistletoe that Conan’s moll (well, do ya want me to say Al Capone’s moll? Geez, Kaz might not have his stud on cue but he wouldn’t machine-gun Gil over bad coaching) is hoisting over his head. Take ‘er away, Gene.

“Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought for a moment the Gil Thorp Christmas Composite came from the comic strip ____________.

 

“Oh, c’mon, I just want a kiss. C’mon, I got this mistletoe over your head for a reason. It’s not like we have to strip down and make wild love. We’re in front of a camera, silly.”

“Hey, Kaz, don’t let THAT stop you. Me and Mimi’ll go down to The Bucket for some Christmas Nog and leave you two alone.”

A Christmas Milford Men’s Clinic take to be told another time.

 

Big shout-out to Matthew Cloutier and the place he works for, The Cottage Inn, located in Middletown, Kentucky. A great little secret, it also has fulfilled MANY Holiday cake orders, much to my amazement, for such a small establishment. Looks like they’re competin’ with the big boys and turning a profit at he same time. Gang, if you’re in the area, stop in and check them out and see why many people find it a great place to eat out. Support Small Business, gang. You need a place where everyone knows your name. I salute you, Matt, and your wicked, sizzling sense of humor.

 

 

 

 

Day 11

Marty and Peaches are about to say goodbye for the next few days. They kiss and wish for more but a quick overview by the distaff side of the table, i.e., Marty’s limp Grand Central Station is all Peaches requires to convince her that Marty needs to get comfortably erect, courtesy of Milford Men’s Clinic or will be The Wall between them.

Marty is ready to return to the wild. He beeline to the Prehistoric Trail, the same one Eckels used in Ray Bradbury’s “A Sound of Thunder”. THIS time, Marty must stay on the path or his careless ambulatory methods could cause severe alterations to the future. Marty McFly could be Milford’s next quarterback.

He begins hiking and immediately spots a pre-historic preying mantis, licking his chops on whatever Marty has on his person. Fact is, Marty forgot to screw the lid back on his Nutella Banana Nut Spread. Too many interviews with A & E while butt naked will do that, Marty. Mr. Moon scurries away and hopes the creature won’t catch and peer down his knapsack for a sample. Hopefully, the turnip in the same compartment as the Nutella will keep the mantis away. Harry Caray kept the Tarantula back with his breath so it can happen.

 

Peaches takes off her Milford Outdoors Dacron Gore-Tex Bikini Underwear. She is off to visit Lotus Land. There, the Lorelei sings to trap unwary hikers to her domain. Peaches has to exercise caution because if she crashes into the rocks, she’ll be eternally trapped in Mimi’s 5-game schedule and she’ll be one of Mimi’s players. Wanna schedule UConn Women’s Basketball to up your game? Tough. Either find a way to get out of the game contract with, for example, New Thayer (bribe the athletic director, dump a heap of Ex-Lax in the pre-game meal during the Opening Prayer) or the same teams will be played as infinitum. What a punishment. It’s hard to imagine Peaches on this Wheel of birth and rebirth, take the shot, rebound, say good game to the refs at the end, line up the officials for the next. Karma on the basketball court isn’t pretty. Being punished with lay-up drills forever just adds to the suffering. But, hey, look at it this way. If all suffering is Maya, or illusion, the pre-game warm-ups oughta pass quickly. And Peaches can always think of that prom date she had in high school when she blows the easy 2 and gets castigated by Mimi on the sideline when she’s yelling “Use the backboard!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Will Peaches be forced to use her Avon Bitchin’ Berry Liquid Soap to pour in her ears to drown out the allure of The Lorelei’s calling? Will The Sirens’ cover version of Husker Du’s “Books About UFO’s” send Peaches over the edge and land her in the gator pit or on the bench besides Mimi, whichever comes first? Will Tee Hee tear out her heart with  with his Chromium hand, laughing while she is McChicken Nuggets for some ravenous croc? In a moment, we’ll see if she escapes Motel Hell.”

“Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse. Man, Peaches is in a world of hurt. It’s a cryin’-ass shame Baron Samedi is not there to do his voodoo dance with his minions and the Milford High School Dance Corps to exorcise the demon that stole her heart, literally. And speaking of stealing, boy o boy, to quote ol’ Bud Man Harry Caray, the Warehouse has some steals for you and you don’t need signals from the 3rd base coach for these robberies. Jameson Irish Whiskey is on sale for $23.99, just what you need when you run out of Irish coffee. The teetotalers’ll never know what hit them. We have Menage a Trois Red Blend Wine, Milford Valley Select for the ridiculous price of $7.99. Yup, that’s right, grapes stomped on by some flunky and then fermented to perfection right here in your own backyard. And if you’ve read Kate L. Turabian’s Manual for Writers, and I confess I have skimmed through it while sitting my own private water closet, and if you are like me, you have no idea what pagination means. I guess you glue all the pages together, ensuring you have no Elmer’s Glue stains when you turn in your term paper. But don’t let that linch pin inhibit you from the imbibation of 19 Crimes Cabernet Sauvignon, the one Chef Boy-ar-Dee imbibated while he was cookin’ his spaghetti. He musta imbibated a bunch of these, you see so many of his cans BUT he got the liquoration for an incredible $7.99. Man, makes me hungry for his mini-ravioli. And remember, New Years Day is just around the corner. You don’t want to be imbibating Hi-C for such a festivity. Nope, keep plenty of Brut’s Champagne in storagation, either in your fridge or in your bird bath, hey, whatever yanks your crank. The point is, don’t be caught in flagellation by your guests due to a dearth of The Good Life on New Year’s Day. Leave the Kool-Aid to your kid’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese’s. Don’t take my word for it. Come in and see for yourself. There’s plenty of free parkination and if you purchase $50.00 or more of Life’s finest, Milford Beverage Warehouse will give you a free copy of William Zinsser’s  “On Writing Well”. Grammar and Bud never tasted so good, er, well.

Hop on in and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Harry and Gil at the Milford Mall signing autographs, Gil charging $10 an autograph, Harry gratis.

“Gil, have you no shame? Harry might have downed his 11th Bud and you might smell his breath even with all the car windows up but the kids love him. How can you charge kids who have no money?”

“Listen, I said ‘…extend a greeting to all my family and friends. It’s a way to keep the strip going. Wishing everybody ‘Happy Holidays’ with an ornate wreath wrapped around your head in P3 don’t come cheap. I had to talk down $20 just on the ornaments alone. Plus, the rest goes into the Practice Facility Fund. Tired of scrimmaging in Pulver’s driveway.”

 

Big shout-out to Andre Goatley of Louisville, Kentucky. Despite his having to use a Walker, he sports a 135 bowling average, quite an accomplishment, indeed. The man’s philosophy is practice, practice, practice. In fact, he was going from one bowling alley to another one across town to hone his craft. Adept also in track, he has proven you can do ANYTHING once you set your mind to it. You’re right, Andre. You are living that motto every day and then some. Well done, Big Guy.

 

 

Comment away, gang. I hope everybody has a wonderful Holiday and New Year. For me, personally, let Jesus rule your life as he does mine. He has done GREAT things in my life (trust me) ; Man o Man, if only you saw what I saw. Celebrate His Birthday by making this a very memorable day with your family and friends. Whatever your religion, be safe and enjoy the rest of the year.

I am thankful for you all. Without you, I am nothing. God bless you all. You all mean the world to me.

 

December 24, 2018

Billbored

Filed under: Coach Kaz, google nonsense, Kelly Krystek — nedryerson @ 10:57 am

122418

Maybe Bobby calls Skyborne Advertising to move forward with his next billboard. Steve at Skyborne will get his crew on it Thursday.

Kaz swings by Joan Anderson Travel to visit Kelly. She’s not busy, as usual, because nobody uses travel agents anymore. (Or do they? Click for lame article.) Maybe Kaz needs Kelly to book him a flight or maybe he has some other needs that internet ninja Kelly can meet.

Kelly saw the new billboard! It’s different but still strange. Whigham didn’t use a computer font on this one since he wanted to achieve a view with perspective so he had to go with hand lettering. It looks better. But what is Maybe Bobby driving at? Stay tuned.

I think I might want to visit Paris! Should I? What does Jonathan Richman think?

December 18, 2018

Mediocrity-Good To The Last Drop

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, Kelly Krystek — tdrewhardin @ 4:27 pm

121818

…and The Rolling Stones will kick off their 2019 World Wide Tour in New Thayer (“Gimme Shelter” with the NT thugs as back-up vocals for Mick-priceless) while The Who, if they promise to pay for the damages at Oakwood Holiday Inn (shoulda seen the damages caused by Loonie Moonie to the toilet and swimming pool when he rammed his limo into both) will be performing in the city of the same.

And I confess I  am not terribly familiar with Tish Minojosa but she sounds groovy. Alarm bells go off when this is Thorpiverse’s way of recovering coo’ points (RIP, Stuart Scott) , basically an admission that this plot really needs to stay on the ground cuz it ain’t in no condition to fly. Gang, you can’t put elephant poop into Glad Sandwich bags.

A BIG shout-out goes to Raysean Butler who sold me the phone I am using now. He was VERY patient with me and REALLY knew his stuff. Don’t try to sneak a curve past him, he’ll crush your hanging curve on somebody’s roof at Wrigley. He was very shrewd and I walked out of the store feeling VERY good about my purchase. A nice guy as well, check him out at Valley Station Wal-Mart and see for yourself. You won’t be disappointed.

 

And gang, P2 will just never get past Larry Tate. Remember those crotchety clients Darrin Stephens had to put up with, you know, you couldn’t sell water to them in the Sahara? Then Darrin would have a brilliant answer, many times enlisting the aid of Samantha (often tweaking her lips) , and Scrooge became Captain Kangaroo.

But how the HELL do you sell what’s on that billboard??? I can see Larry Tate

“Darrin, you know Gil’s a finicky sort. Our ad campaign for his Mudlar-K-Cola has hit the shit  wagon and he is threatening to pull out if we don’t have an idea he likes by noon tomorrow.”

“Larry, the way I see it, the Mudlarks have accepted mediocrity, it’s become part of their landscape, and I want to develop that idea that every time I willingly take that Loser’s Bowl trophy out of the conference hall, I have a Mudlar-K-Pepper in my hand. It’s got sizzle, it’s got snap, it’s got-”

“But are you SURE Gil’s gonna go for it? Because he’s practically signed a contract with Pearls Before Swine who have upgraded their own and campaign with “Gil and Mimi on their 35th Wedding Anniversary at The Bucket slurping out of the same Mudlar-K-Beer can. Says it works better than exchanging cakes and it SELLS.”

“Larry, trust me, half-ass is in. Just check Gil’s last 10-15 plotlines. His players spend more time at the Milford Drive-In than on the basketball court. If you can’t do half-ass all the way, drink a Grape Nehi.”

Later that night.

“What’s wrong, honey?”

“Ahhhhhh, Gil’s being an asshole like he has for the last 60 years. I can’t sell him that his plot is rubbish and his Mudlar-K-Cola isn’t much better.”

“I heard that” as Gil and Larry Tate come out of the broom closet.”

“Sam, it’s time for one of your miracle solutions.”

“Well, Mr. Thorp, the way I see it, you WOULD be literally dumping all your K-Colas before swine. And people have no ambition in Milford therefore their tastes reflect that. It’s a sign of the times when students sleep in Hooverville rather than sleep in their own bed room then wonder why they don’t get any playing time on the football field. And anybody doing stand-up comedy on the basketball court won’t beat Michael Jordan either in a game of H-O-R-S-E or one-on-one with him blindfolded. If he’s going to get his ass stomped, don’t you think he should at least have a Mudlar-K-Cola in his hand? And I think your slogan should be

“Mudlar-K-Cola-Always there when you’re ready to embrace the lukewarm”

“Samantha, I’m sorry, that won’t wash, Darrin, do you have anything? You know your job’s on the-”

“No, Larry, I like it. It’s been that way since the Eisenhower Administration.”

Larry Tate, as always, forced to eat crow

“Oh, Darrin, that’s a BRILLIANT idea. In fact, I have some leftover lukewarm Asti Spumante in my trunk. LET’S CELEBRATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Samantha twitches her lips and changes Gil’s hair into a Ringo top to make the occasion even more special and mediocre.

Big shout-out to Robert Utley, of Pleasure Ridge Park, Kentucky, who was a trucker for 43 years and still would keep on truckin’ if he wasn’t sidelined with an injury. But there he was in the rehab center working on the Nautilus equipment, goin’ at it with a vengeance. Gang, Robert kept America going with his hard work and as a shop steward, gave of himself tirelessly to people to boot. Thinkin’ of ya, Robert. You made America great. Give him some respect, gang.

 

And just when I had my hopes that Gil would finally do some coaching, he and Kaz wind up in Linus’ pumpkin patch. The Great Pumpkin comes to Milford’s gym once a year and hands out toys to all the good boys and girls. Linus will be at Bleacher Section D to confirm that. Next week, Santa will land on the gym’s roof and Santa will slide down one of the heater ducts to perform the same thing. He can’t stay too long, Rudolph’s nose will only shine brightly and then it dims by the time Santa leaves Valley Tech. BTW, Gil, can my sister get that pumpkin by your foot. She bakes a mean pumpkin pie.

 

 

 

.

 

 

Remember the Flintstones episode where the Hatrocks, a family (Hatfields in the real world, gotta be) that feuded with Fred’s lineage (Ancient Flintstones = The McCoys) but are willing to bury the hatchet and wind up being guests in Fred’s house. They were a real rough, crude, lazy sort, i.e., didn’t wear shoes, didn’t take a bath, wore long beards, smoked corn cob pipes, spoke really terrible country accents, etc. They had a dog that was the spittin’ image of Dino and he just looked out of place with that ragged thatched hat. Eventually, as you might have guessed, they overstayed their welcome, much to Wilma’s increasing annoyance. Fred’s doing EVERYTHING within the bounds of civility, to tell them it’s time to go, with no success.

Then Fred cites a flaw in their character that is evident throughout the show. With help from Fred’ s neighbors, The Gruesomes, Fred capitalizes their disdain for “Bug Music” (An obvious reference to The Beatles who were at the height of their popularity even as the episode was running) , either when Fred plays it on the radio or it’s on TV, for a shrewd idea.

Fred and Wilma and Barney and Betty start things off, wearing mop tops a la the ’64 Beatles, playing in their living room

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The Hatrocks frantically look for support so they head out of Fred’ house and head to the Gruesomes but discover they’re wearing the same mop tops and belting out the same tune which heightens their paranoia.

The coup-de-grace is when Pebbles and Bam-Bam  and Dino (Dino and the Gruesomes’ octopus monster thingy wearing a Ringo coif is hilarious) are in the garage singing that very same song, the mail in the coffin for the Hatrocks as they’re just seeking refuge now, the garage a logical place, but they’re not even getting that.

The Hatrocks head out of Dodge towards the ’64 World’s Fair, assured there’s no “Bug Music” there (instead of their native Arkanstone-I’ll let you figure out which state) but unfortunately speed by a billboard they overlooked, displaying “The Four Insects” scheduled to perform at that very Fair, a fitting ending to this very funny schtick.

And the reason why I bring this up is because I really get tired of people inviting me to their church AND exhorting me (really another word for ordering me) to bring the whole family (I guess my presence by itself doesn’t mean anything to them. Gotta bring the Rough Riders too. After we conquer San Juan Hill, we’ll shave shower and dress and hitch a ride on  the church van) .

Sure, I’ll get on the phone like the ones you see in the background on PBS Television trying to get you to contribute to National Geographic Series: The Lions are the Laziest in Rwanda.

I’ll just frantically dial my 2 uncle’s, 3 aunts, 5 cousins, my sister, 2 half-brothers, their mom, my dad, my 6 nieces and nephews, even if my one nephew is a team doctor for the Atlanta Falcons, I’m sure the Falcons will have a bye week and he can bring HIS WHOLE FAMILY (dicey on his wife’s grandmother, her kidney stones are acting up again after being careless again at White Castle) while the other phone callers can call my dad’s side of the family. My grandmother died a few years ago at 103 years old (not a joke) , so she may not be up to it but I’ll have them call cuz ya never know. We can always rent the funeral ambulance if it comes to cases.

Otherwise, will 2 busses be enough room for the whole family?

 

The Hatrocks load up the caravan and drop into a random church

“Well, ya said bring the whole family. BTW, ya got Bug Music in yore hymnals? ‘Cuz we ain’t singin’ if ya do.”

So the next time YOUR church gets hoisted by its own petard and creates ANOTHER problem trying to solve the original problem, I have a simple solution

Get your organist pumped and ready, Ringo top (Richard top if ya wanna get technical) on his/her head, and play Bach’s “Toccata and Fugue in D minor, BWV 565” in Bug Music format, a warm-up that’ll drive ’em out of the sanctuary and into the Devil’s Den.

And c’mon, Saints, ya know ya got kids in your church who are in the school band. A trumpet, French horn, clarinet, tuba, and snare drum should suffice. Oh and get some flunky kid to bang the tambourine. Be sure to fit the wigs on snug, well, you know, their heads are smaller. Surely the Milford House of Hair sells mini-Richard, er, Ringo tops. And to complete the deal, get deacons and elders who play guitar, banjo, Jew’s harp, sitar, John Entwistle’s bass, dulcimer, lute, etc. This will enhance, with the proper acoustics in the church sanctuary, the ultimate Bug Music bill of fare.

The Hatrocks still in Sunday School at 12:15PM discussing Jesus’ confrontation with the Woman at the Well when Sunday School commenced at 9:30AM?

With a 7th-grader’s piccolo starting off

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sure to send them over the cliff with rest of the pigs.

A shout-out to Mildred Ethington of Louisville, Kentucky. Gang, she could use your prayers in a mighty way. She is a very sweet lady who never complains and is ALWAYS giving. Right now, we need to give to her. Whatever your religion, please ask that she be taken care of because she has done A LOT for people. May God Bless You, Mildred.

And you KNOW I have a perfect solution to bad plots

With Gil on the bassoon, Mimi on the banjo, Keri on the bongo drums and Jaime on her song flute, all in Ringo tops, a one, a two

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Gang, comment away. I’m tailing Kaz because I’m going to the same Amway meeting. Don’t settle for Amway detergent that can actually clean when you can buy mediocre EPA-rejected soap that streaks on your T-shirts. And get other people to do that too. Hey, I’m sold on the concept (although in all seriousness, I DO like Amway products) .

 

Dr. Pearl on the kettle drums, Steve Luhm on the mellotron, Ms. Rizk on the viola and the Milford High School cafeteria ladies on the trombones (don’t even want to imagine how that sounds)

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

She said ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Can’t wait for the album to be released.

 

 

 

 

December 7, 2018

Long way to go to see a movie eh?

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Kelly Krystek — robmize2013 @ 9:27 pm

This has to be Kaz’s girlfriend Kelly Krystek. She appears to have gained a bit of weight since we saw her last ( at least 2 Christmases ago). Guess shes a good cook. Is that the sun behind her? Or some random poster of a foreign country?

I was in the Greek Islands in 2012 on a 10-day cruise of 3 countries, and we started in Venice, Italy. I recall taking a picture of a menu at one of the many outdoor dining establishments in the city, and the owner ratting me out for ‘stealing’ his menu, even though I made it clear I was only a tourist and not trying to take his business away. But he basically said, if your gonna take a pic of my menu, eat here too. He said it in Italian but I got the message. Next time we walked by his place we made it a point to walk on the other side of the river (that runs through the whole city). I saw him outside, gazing around for more cameras to yell about. I felt like riding a gondola and yelling ‘Hey mister! Smile!’

So now Kelly enters the fray, and …dont we have 2 more football games to play before Christmas? Rubin goes off on a tangent all the time and forgets about sports for 2 weeks; thats why the seasons last longer then War and Peace. Then its “Wrap it up in a day by playing 2 games and eliminating Milf from another playdown appearance. ”

And this all started with a punting problem.

October 27, 2018

Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except Kelly and Her Monkey

gt10272018

People have spoken

The constraint will be applied

Through football season

 

I was hoping for

More about one of the best

Anti-war films ever made

 

Like whether Gil

Would kill every tenth Mudlark

To improve morale

 

Maybe Joe Bolek

Will desert the football team

Become private dick

 

Or realize

That his teammate’s personal

Life’s not his business

 

But no! Quick cut to

Coach Kaz’s private dojo

Where he flips burgers

 

Self-deprecation

Of his cineastic skill

Does not become him

 

Kaz could just fake it

IMDB is your friend

Brush up on Kubrick

 

What Kelly Krystek

Does with Kaz’s organ is

Not for family strip

 

Well there you have it

The first of several haiku

In the near future

 

I must admit

Downpuppy’s sonnet option

Piques my interest

 

 

 

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