This Week in Milford

November 21, 2020

Boys will be boys

Filed under: Coach Kaz, football, kaz-bot, Kelly Krystek, Milford Idiots — robmize2013 @ 5:43 pm

As the tension mounts between the 2 erstwhile signalcallers solely due to hoping a chick who doesnt give a hoot about football likes each of them more, Marty notices whats going on and says its a first for the Milford program to have 2 players not getting along. He’s sure developing Alzeimers if he thinks its never happened before in 50 years of this dreck.

Hey a guy who fought a time or 2 in his day is trying to break them up. Kaz surely remembers his referee appearance in 2013 with Gil vs Herk the Mauler:

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…or his boxing academy in 2007…

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So at any rate he’s got the experience if the 2 QB’s wanna settle it in the ring.

Hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving!

December 25, 2019

Do They Know It’s Thorpmas?

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, Kelly Krystek, metapost, Mimi Thorp — teenchy @ 12:32 pm

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When I last posted on Christmas Day, I was hanging on a piazza in Charleston with Mr. Bakst.  No such luck today; I’m in a colder place, albeit one that’s not as cold as it used to be this time of year.  I’m also not fresh out of a hospital bed like I was in 2015, and for that I’m grateful.  I’m also grateful that I got to see firsthand something very few people still living got to see previously – a major league baseball team based in Washington win a pennant – and, a few days later, win a World Series, something even fewer still living got to see previously.

My snark isn’t as sharp as it used to be.  In my last two posts I thought I caught a typo where there wasn’t one, and I identified Teddy DeMarco’s knock-kneed stooge as Teddy himself.  I’ve still got some haiku game but I’ve lost a few mph off my song parodies (how many times can I go back to Janet’s Diner?).  Heck, I’m having a hard time finding snark for today’s strip.  The Thorp kids have been so thoroughly retconned out it hardly bears mention.  Maybe Kaz’s scarf?  Looks like one of Mary Worth’s cowlnecks.  What about that gazebo?  Since when did Milford get one of those?  Is that where Mimi entertains the pool boy when Gil’s off at Milford CC every summer?  We don’t even get “Merry Christmas” set off in a fancy font like we usually do.

Anyhoo, to all you TWIMers out there who celebrate Christmas, a merry Christmas to you.  To those of you who don’t, enjoy the day all the same.  Thanks for putting up with me and for the encouragement when I’ve felt like hanging up the keyboard.

 

November 25, 2019

Why Did Grandpa Lock Himself In His Bomb Shelter?

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This is quite a strip. Three panels and six characters recapping the baffling actions of The Press in “exposing” the Chet Ballard/Chance Macy affair (without mentioning any names). We recap last week’s phone call from Marjie to Chance’s grandfather (with a rug?) and then we get a look at two Milford power couples to see how they prefer to consume their daily news. (One couple reads print and the other online, but both couples employ a “one reads to the other” technique. Ugh. Not a fan.)

So let’s talk about this story that The Star is running. There’s not much there, is there? I can’t understand why they are running the story. The School Board was made aware of Chet’s actions and they did their own investigation. Yes, Marjie (and friend) at The Star triggered the investigation by informing the Superintendent of the anonymous voicemail, but that’s not a story. If the Board takes action against Chet, then we have a story. Is there some reason that Marjie and her editors suspect that the Board will not be taking action even though the paper knows that the Board knows what Chet did? That would be a story too, but we haven’t been given any reason to suspect that this is the case.

The bottom line is that this story is sloppy and slapdash. Great, let’s print it!

January 8, 2019

Twin Gils Of Different Plots

Filed under: Coach Kaz, freak hands, Kelly Krystek, Pissy faced Kaz, Prairie Style Windows — tdrewhardin @ 1:25 pm

 

Every morning

We pick up the Post

We hope the plot im-proves

But it never does

 

So you take some sucker

And milk this thing dry

Try to help the schmuck from reeling

Into plot awry

 

Buttttt

Once upon a time

You had a strip that was runnin’ fine

When all the others

Simply don’t compare

 

You’re out of your mind

But once upon a time

You had us thereeeeeee

 

(Sweet guitar interlude)

 

Every morning

You shake out your hair

Thinking this plot’s got some flair

But it never does

 

So you take the excerpts

From Nancy and Sluggo

Prince Valiant and Pogo

And some Alley-Oop

 

Buuuutttttttt

 

Once upon a time

The strip was runnin’ mighty fine

When even Mark Trail did not dare compare

You’ve contracted I Me Mine

But once upon a time

You had us therrrrrrrrreeeeeeeee

 

 

Okay, Dan Fogelberg off my chest, is SPECTRE involved in getting Gil out the door? Otherwise, what in the world is the deal with these billboards? You mean, Moonraker hasn’t heard of school board meetings? Dr. No splats his messages on billboards on some god-forsaken highway from Hell when he could just as easily aim a Stealth bomber from Mt. Milford, his hideout, and X out the Mudlarks if he wasn’t satisified with Gil’s coaching? Really, if he’s above parliamentary procedure, he DOES possess the wherewithal for world domination, why let Madison Avenue carry out his dastardly deeds? He sends some teenage flunky to announce he’s going to annihilate Milford if his demands aren’t met to pave the way for Goldfinger to be the coach? Dammit, Dr. No, open up your volcano and pour hot molten lava all over WDIG studios and be done with it. I promise, Dr. Pearl will swear in Blofeld as the coach at the earliest convenience. Once all the hallways are clear of magma after Luhm’s 317th time of running the buffer, of course. Sometimes, magma is hard to come out of a tile floor. The point is, since when did YOU go by the book to achieve world domination?  Then 007 would be out of a job and forced to work with Luhm. I hope Mr. Bond has a toilet plunger in his Aston Martin

 

 

Then there’s the story today. Are we sure we’re not reading “Cat in the Hat”?

“Madam, so sorry that you misunderstood

This billboard in the neighborhood

I’m sorry if we don’t give a damn

We’d have a better answer for green eggs and ham

May we leave?”

 

You talk about dumbing down a plot. Mr. Not My Job #1 and Mr. Not My Job #2 in their Ninja outfits with their Sinclair logo on their hats just about epitomizes the basketball plot so far and are really in the wrong comic strip. Thorpiverse, leave Cookie’s attitude in Beetle Bailey. We don’t need Cookie making another batch of spaghetti out of Converse LeBron James Signature NBA sneakers shoe strings because, what the hell, General Halftrack will never know the difference. He wears dentures anyway and takes Kaopectate for an after-dinner mint. And TWO COOKIES AT CAMP SWAMPY??????? The pantry will run out of plimsolls making Spaghetti O’s. At least send one of them over to Dagwood to be Dagwood’s butcher who consequently runs up a bill on Oscar Meyer Bologna (“$21.00 on 4 slices???? Exact change???”) just to piss off Dagwood and his neighbor, Herb Woodley. Hell, I’ll compromise and let you jack up the price of London Broil just to watch Mr. Dithers execute a tarantella. Try me.

But in fairness, Kaz’s girlfriend should know better than to confront Larry the Cable Guy over billboards. His job is just to install the cable, not ask questions who paid for it. Git ‘er done even if installing cable is part of a Marxist plot to take over America. Lenin just wants to know what’s on ESPN. Che Guevara likes to watch “Green Acres” on Nick at Nite. Just git ‘er done.

 

 

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. And Oddjob To Open Haberdashery In Mall Next To Milford Men’s Clinic!!!!!”

sub headline

“Spokesperson announced that O.J. would handle the bookwork while Oddjob will be selling out on the floor.”

 

” I want your full report, my insouciant myrmidons. I’m expecting good news.”

“We attended the hearing, Boss.”

“And?”

“Dr. Pearl tripled Coach Thorp’s salary and gave him the keys to the company car. Milford High School has a contract with Avis Rent-a-Car. He also got the ranch house on Mudlark Lake Resort, rent-free.”

“You failed.”

“Yes, I’m sorry, we failed.”

“This organization does not tolerate failure. I will deal with you later. In the meantime, you may leave.”

“Yes, Boss.”

Flunky #1 and Flunky #2, borrowed from Joker’s gang, who are next door trashing Bruce Wayne’s mansion including raping Aunt Harriet, depart out of Blofeld’s office.

As they make their way to the pedway, Ernst Stavro Blofeld steps on the gas pedal, causing a foot bridge to collapse, dumping Flunky #2 in a pool of piranhas. I’ll spare the blood bath.

“FIRE GIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Flunky #1 looks on in shock, then runs and hides in the Ninja Turtles Econoline van, the one with all the Christmas wrapping paper (“Mom. thanks for the great gift!!!!!!! I’ve3 always wanted a billboard message that says ‘You’re mediocre!!!!!’) . Some orders are not meant to be carried out unless submitted in triplicate by Dr. Pearl or the Milford Athletic Committee.

 

 

A friend of mine related her recent office Christmas party recently that featured people  snatching 2-liters under their dapper dress coat, heaps of turkey, chicken, Waldorf salad, peas, green beans, corn, 3 bean salad, cole slaw, macaroni and cheese, cookies, candy, cranberry salad stashed away in their brief cases, pies and cakes wedged under their laptop in their backpack, topped by Cool Whip (how could you forget?) hidden in their fedoras sooooooooooooooo

Coach Kaz in Dr. Pearl’s office, after she recovered her head out of the sink in the cafeteria

“Coach, I don’t mean to pry but why is there Miracle Whip all over your lesson plans?”

“Would  you believe I got in the middle of a food fight?”

 

 

Then there’s P3. Geez Louise, such a cheap take-off some Hardy Boys Mystery.

“Joe saw the billboard that said ‘Gil Is Running Around On His Wife When He’s Not Doing His Usual Mediocre Job Of Coaching’ and decided to go over to Rambo’s condo, the same condominiums O. J. and Johnny Cochrane inhabit, and see if he was willing to kick some tail. Acting on some tip that it was the Sandinistas and the Viet Cong, Joe and Rambo wanted to napalm the Milford Senior Citizen Center where they were reportedly hiding out.  Frank, using a cooler head, told them to rein in their fanatical impulses until Frank could get Chet Morton’s report on the billboard’s history.

Chet was on the Ultra Slim-Fast diet and it it took sheer willpower to slurp on his Ultra Slim-Fast Strawberry Shake and munch tediously on the Ultra Slim-Fast Nutritional Bar, Chocolate, Raspberry, and Almonds while everybody else was hoggin’ on Cheeseburgers and Paradise at The Bucket, not to mention banana splits, but if he wanted to remove the portly tag or plump tag or fatter than Freezer Thompson when Thompson is in the ring with Jerry Lawler for a match which is just a warm-up for Lawler and no belts are on the line tag that he received at the beginning of each Hardy Boys Mystery, he’d concentrate on these billboard reports and fax them to Frank ASAP.

Fortunately, Bugs Meany, trying to make restitution after all the doo-doo he shoveled at Encyclopedia Brown, turned up a key clue. He found out from the billboard company, after Bugs slipped the security guard a 20, that the ad before was a Mudlar-K-Cola promo, with Ricky Ricardo displaying his Charles Atlas chest when he wasn’t at Mudlark basketball games second-guessing Gil. The basketball game that made a man out of Ricky. Nutrament does wonders. Anyway, Bugs pointed out that the ad was pulled a month before the due date, in favor of Mudlark Funeral Home, evidently pissing off Ricky mightily. Promoting taxidermy on Principal Ek over kickin’ some bully’s butt at the Mudlark Lake Beach? Bugs could relate. He’d sneak in an ad when no one was lookin’ either. Git’ er done, Bugs. He knew Larry the Cable Guy would aid and abet in that crime.

Bugs was only glad to help as this was part of Milford High School’s In-School Suspension Early Release Program. Bugs Meany was only happy to oblige, sorry now for saying that Sally Kimball’s mom had a Skull & Dagger tattoo on the right cheek of her butt.”

 

 

Day 12

Marty is captured by Tee Hee Johnson. Tee Hee intends to punish Marty Moon for saying that only Dr. Kananga can coach worse than Gil. Out in Milford Nature Area, plenty of room to roam, Tee Hee leads Marty out to a projecting rock, surrounded by a swamp full of alligators. Tee Hee pulls the section with a pulley connecting the rock to the mainland with the Fake Landscape Bug-Resistant Environmentally Friendly Recyclable Bat Retractor, used by Batman when he’s not in the mood to leave the Batcave. Marty is literally up to his neck in alligators.

Marty remembers he has the Bond Radio stuck up his butt that M loaned him (“Heavens, your gluteus maximus is more difficult to store equipment and gadgets than 007’s”) and tugs it out to play all his broadcasts since ’58. The Voice of Milford is  Tarzan of the Jungle and sends the ‘gators back to the Everglades. Now to find Peaches who is in a tiger pit created by Catwoman (“Roooowwwwwwrrrr, I knew this aphrodisiac would make you fall for the fake crab grass!!!!!!!!) .

 

Seven floors below Mt. Milford, Dr. No and Coach Thorp are discussing the latter’s fate, the gentlemen being treated to a feast fit for a king, Dom Perignon and Bucket Cheeseburgers and Bucket Buffalo Fries; Oddjob threatened to throw his hat at the teenaged waitress if she didn’t have the armored vehicle loaded down with The Bucket’s Finest within the hour. Plus a Bucket Crab Cake Sandwich because throwing hats and beheading Dr. Pearl works up an appetite.

“I thought  there might be a place for you within our organization. I could have killed you the first time when you sat Tiki in that football game. You made SPECTRE lose a bundle on the Vegas Line.”

“And why didn’t you?”

“I thought you less a fool. Normally when a man gets in my way of total world domination and doubling as the Milford Athletic Director, he pays a steep price”, as Dr. No grabs a Wilson Basketball and squeezes the thing until Dr. No’s Minions go play Nerfhoop with it down by the radioactive pool.

“Make sure they flick their wrists or the ball will hit the back of the iron and land in the shark pit.”

Dr. No is losing his patience.

“Unfortunately, you disappoint me, Coach Thorp. You are nothing but a stupid basketball coach whose luck has run out.”

Dr. No summons his guards, built like Coach Kaz all the way down to the Elvis sideburns and earrings.

“Gentlemen, soften Coach Thorp until he is begging to puke no more. Start by playing Marty Moon’s broadcast of Coach Thorp when he gave away that baseball game in ’95 because he left Sharkey, Junior in too long and the other team won it with a last-minute grand slam.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. ANYTHING BUT MARTY!!!!!!!!!!!! THE BULLPEN WAS SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAD JACKIE HILL ON 2 DAYS REST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…….”

 

We’re hoping for good things

To lead us along

Maybe sing us a new song

That will keep us sane.

 

That’s only pipe-dreaming

We might as well be screaming

At the top of our lungs

For a trip with Dick and Jane

 

But once upon a time

You had a strip that was going fine

When Hi & Lois simply don’t compare

You’ve really crossed a line

But once upon a time you had us thereeeeeeeeeeeee

 

 

 

Gang, comment away. For your New Year’s resolution please remember to thank a Veteran. I always take 5 minutes out of my schedule to thank at least 1 Veteran. You do it however you feel comfortable doing it but PLEASE do it.

Also. support Small Business. Choose one mom-and-pop operation and call it your own. If everybody would do that, I’m bettin’ Small Business takes America by storm.

Gang, you need to be where everybody knows your name.

 

 

Hugo Drax, after discovering that Gil will not bolt to the NBA and sign an 8-year contract to coach the LA Clippers, is at The Bucket, booth #23 with Jaws and Holly Goodhead with Plan B

“I’ll write a check. I can always rob the Milford Federal Credit Union with you Jaws biting one of the tellers to cover any overdrafts. Now, order 12,000 Liver Cheeseburgers and make sure there’s enough garlic to unstop a cow. Send them, anonymously of course, to Gil’s office. The perfume in the burgers caused Odysseus to crash on the rocks. The same fate awaits Mr. Thorp. I am leaving to go back to the spaceship. See that great harm is done to Coach Thorp’s duodenum.”

 

 

“Sir, Gil is still with the team. There was a players-only meeting after the game and Gil is still the coach.”

“Then I will go to Lord Vader and apologize for the failure. You’re dismissed.”

ZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

“Apology accepted.”

 

 

 

 

Mimi is lovely

The athletes superb

But there’s something about the plots that disturb us

January 7, 2019

Who’s Robby? Wait, Who’s Gil Thob?

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Fontastic, Kelly Krystek — nedryerson @ 7:03 am

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We pick up our story with Kelly Krystek, intrepid travel agent on her way to drop off Mrs. Kapoor’s travel related items, stopped by the side of the road to take in the latest provocative billboard outside Milford. The message on the billboard is so jarring she has to get out of her Toyota Tardis and stare up at in in wonder from the shoulder. Her head bobbling awe is reminiscent of Steve Martin in L.A. Story:

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Kelly communicates this incredible outdoor advertising development to her beau, Coach Kaz. Kaz is visibly shaken by this new message, or maybe he’s not moved at all and just thinking about pumping iron, getting a sandwich or just avoiding another dopey assignment from Gil to go snooping around in the affairs of a student athlete.

So we have the big reveal of billboard #3 (in a bold new font that I don’t have time to identify right now): SAVE THE KIDS FIRE GIL THORP robbyreport.com. Oh boy. Now to find out who Robby is and what his report entails.

At the moment, the domain robbyreport.com is available for purchase, so any enterprising individual who wants to get a little bit of exposure can register that domain and link it to whatever content they want to be seen by up to dozens of bored Gil Thorp readers. (You may recall a previous website that was named in Gil Thorp, liniverde.com. Jason bought that domain and redirected it to this very blog [since lapsed]. I’d do that with the robbyreport.com, but that would require effort that I’m unwilling to exert.)

This fictitious website concept reminds me of a development from the Aughts (do we have another name for the first decade of this century?) where Conan O’Brien threw out an offhand reference to hornymanatee.com on his old NBC late night show. Subsequently, he stated that NBC’s legal department required the show to acquire that domain (which they did and then proceeded to use it to host wacky content). It makes sense for a big television network to take that step, lest somebody else register the domain and host something with which the network would rather not be associated. Also, in “those days” there was still some fun to be had about the internet and its geeky structure and we could still laugh at it rather than be largely bored and/or disgusted with it.

Clearly, the producers of the Gil Thorp comic strip don’t care about someone purchasing robbyreport.com and posting something weird on it. Like maybe a blog about how Kelly Krystek’s little hatchback has the interior of a Landcruiser or something. Oh, now wouldn’t that just be embarrassing! Surely, but for who?

ETA: The Comics Curmudgeon came up with a hilarious take on today’s strip, focusing on the vague wording of the latest billboard and how the message very easily be misconstrued as something VERY dark. That never dawned on me. That’s why he’s the most famous comics blogger!

January 5, 2019

Snatch It Back (Up) And Hold It

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GoComics has finally started back putting up the black and white version of the strip, but looking at it today confused me at first.  It looked like Kelly’s tiny hatchback was about to submarine under an eighteen-wheeler Magnus Walker style, potentially making her the first known vehicular casualty in Milford since Addison “Boo” Radley.  The color version we’ve been using of late makes it a bit clearer.

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Of course the dialogue helps with that too: Kelly has just seen the Third Billboard Outside Milford.  Speaking of Boo Radley, good on Whigham for drawing a Bluetooth cockroach in Kelly’s ear.  Hands-free phone usage while driving in the Thorpiverse from now on, not like the times before.

That whole bit about Mrs. Kapoor* and her hand-delivered itinerary, tickets, etc.?  Just a red herring to get Kelly on the road and driving to the edge of town.  Kinda puts a damper on that whole internet ninja thing she had going.  Heck, even Kaz recognizes that travel agencies are a dying business.  (Let’s try finishing Kaz’s sentence for him.  I’ll start: “As long as she’s going back to India three times a year, it’s three times you won’t have to sell plasma for beer money.”)

Credit where credit is due: that was some pretty quick reaction time on Kelly’s part to get off the highway and onto the shoulder into a sand trap at the Milford CC.

*edit: thanks to Son of teenchy, I was able to make the connection between Kelly and Mrs. Kapoor.  SoT watches The Office whereas I do not.

Musical inspiration for today’s post title:

 

December 25, 2018

I Get To Crash Gil’s Christmas Party This Year-Hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, Kelly Krystek, Mimi Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:52 am

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Christmas, gang, Is. Just. Another. Paid. Holiday. When Season’s Greetings from Thorpiverse is not on tap. Vaganova and I have witnessed decades of non-stop action (let me rephrase that) , mainly basketball (Mudlarkland has yet to participate in hockey, curling, or figure skating to this point-Peggy Fleming graduated from Jefferson, according its yearbook) , on normally the 1st 2 panels, only to stop-in-the-name-of-Santa-or-whoever-you-worship in P3 where Gil looks to the camera and wishes everybody Happy Holidays. Breaking the Fourth Estate never executed any better.

No other comic strip can duplicate a Mudlark blowing a dunk and Gil cussing him out in 7 languages, then pose with Mimi and the kids in front of an unknown fireplace (Milford Moose Lodge was the rumor, the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade host’s fireplace, the host being Peter Graves as of this writing, had been claimed) , wishing Merry Christmas to all his fans and friends. One year, Gil tried to get Charlie Brown and the rest of the Peanuts gang to appear on the set and shout “Merry Christmas, Charles and Gil!!!!!!!!!”, singing just like in the CB Special “Hark, The Herald Angel Sing”, to round out Charlie Brown AND Gil for a double dip of Christmas excitement, I mean, really, Charlie Brown directing the Christmas pageant featured more action than Gil’s football teams this year. Unfortunately, negotiations stalled with the chief negotiators, Schroeder, Shermy, and Peppermint Patty when they insisted that he’s CHARLIE Brown and not CHARLES Brown. Marty said No Way, Jose, or CHARLES in this case so Gil wound up going on a solo flight this year. Perhaps one year Gil will pose with Loweezy, Snuffy Smith, Tater, Jughaid, Elviney, and Caleb in a group portrait with Santa and his reindeer but that’s another rumor.

And does Marnaduke offer in P1 the thrills and chills of the Celtics-Lakers Finals, Larry Bird trying to go baseline on Magic, or vice versa, with Chick Hearn or Johnny Most proclaiming the Battle of the Titans as Larry or Magic engineers a 180 dunk? Does Pluggers? Ziggy? Please.

Nothing like Kirk Gibson in the ’88 Series, in his only at-bat, BTW, belting that home run off a stunned Dennis Eckersley to the accompaniment of “One Moment in Time” in P1. Then the bottom falls out and you feel like that poor schmuck in “A View to a Kill” being dropped from the zeppelin when P3 suddenly changes the complexion of the strip to “Andy William’s Singaround in Downtown Branson”.

And if you’re beggin’ for another angle after you’ve checked to see if your GAF Viewmaster and the plethora of reels, namely “Gil Thorp Confronts the Mighty Arapahoes at Dinosaur Monument and Challenges Them to a 3-on-3, Call-Your-Own-Fouls Tournament”, has turned up in your stocking, look no further than Don Fischer.

At the 1987 College Basketball Finals against Syracuse, Jerry Pulver to Rodney Filion, aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, Don does it better.

“Pulver in trouble, throws a cross-court pass to Filion. Filion eyes Aardvark down low and sends him a bounce pass. 10 seconds to go on the clock. Aardvark is covered and kicks it out to Keith Smart. 5 seconds to go. One dribble, Smart with the shotGOOOOOOOOO-”

Time out to wish all my friends and fans a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year”, Mimi in the background, like a proud mama, showing off her pumpkin pie that beat Minnie Pearl at the Milford County Fair (Minnie lost points on the price tag on her hat which fell in her rhubarb pie) , while Keri parades her Barbie & Ken Collection at Trump’s Casino and Jaime bounces vigorously his Henry “Hank” Finkel-autographed Spalding basketball.

Again, do you EVER read about this in “Cathy”? Well? Do you?

Carmichael never even heard of Hank Finkel.

 

Shout-out to Edward Potts who works the Valley Station, Kentucky, Meijer Gas Station. His courtesy and respect to the customers runs off on you and really brightens your day. EVERYBODY has a name to him and the clientele feed off of that. As the old saying goes, they don’t pay him enough. Edward, in your case, THEY REALLY DON’T. Treat him with respect next time you walk in there. Lots of it.

LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!! UP IN THE SKY!!!!!!!!!

IT’S A BIRD!!!!!!!!!!!

IT’S A PLANE!!!!!!!!!!!

IT’S SUPER STRIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s right, gang, forgive me, I was used to the Sports Talk, Sports Talk, Schmaltzy Season’s Greetings format, especially in the times of Berrill. Now it’s been superceded with Sing Around The Campfire. Does Kaz know the Latin version of “In Excelsis Deo”, BTW? Is that EVEN Coach Kaz at all? Does Thorpiverse really expect us to buy into Conan The Barbarian singing “Jingle Bell Rock” with the rest of Josie and the Pussycats? And where’s The Terminator’s stud? Is this even Thorpiverse? Really, I thought we were reading Rex Morgan, M.D. for a microsecond until I saw the Dogs ‘n’ Suds in their hands and realized Dr. Morgan doesn’t eat chili dogs because it gives him congestive heart failure. So Sanka ‘n’ Suds it is. Still a bit iffy on the Thorpiverse perspective but Ovaltine ‘n’ Suds (don’t assume The Terminator is a Maxwell House Man, gang) coming from Coach Kaz’s a/k/a Conan’s cup into my own cup oughta steady the nerves.

Still say Mimi looks like one of Charlie’s Angel’s and I would forgive this slight but then WHERE ARE THE KIDS????????? AT MILFORD DAY CARE CENTER????????? Coach, when you wish to extend Season’s Greetings to your family and friends, you need to have ALL YOUR family for this Hallmark Moment. Don’t send them to Siberia, for cryin’ out loud. Yeah, right, Jaime is out with the penguins in the South Pole riding his new bicycle while Keri is at Ms. Rizk’s slumber party in the Journalism room. And I bet Daffy Duck is entertaining them with ghost stories. Keep stretching this one along, Thorpiverse. We might believe you one day.

Well, at least I was right about their renting the Milford Moose Lodge another year. No way their house is that big. Unless their garage is an airplane hangar, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

Gang, Gene Rayburn is back for Match Game 2018, ready to deflate that mistletoe that Conan’s moll (well, do ya want me to say Al Capone’s moll? Geez, Kaz might not have his stud on cue but he wouldn’t machine-gun Gil over bad coaching) is hoisting over his head. Take ‘er away, Gene.

“Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought for a moment the Gil Thorp Christmas Composite came from the comic strip ____________.

 

“Oh, c’mon, I just want a kiss. C’mon, I got this mistletoe over your head for a reason. It’s not like we have to strip down and make wild love. We’re in front of a camera, silly.”

“Hey, Kaz, don’t let THAT stop you. Me and Mimi’ll go down to The Bucket for some Christmas Nog and leave you two alone.”

A Christmas Milford Men’s Clinic take to be told another time.

 

Big shout-out to Matthew Cloutier and the place he works for, The Cottage Inn, located in Middletown, Kentucky. A great little secret, it also has fulfilled MANY Holiday cake orders, much to my amazement, for such a small establishment. Looks like they’re competin’ with the big boys and turning a profit at he same time. Gang, if you’re in the area, stop in and check them out and see why many people find it a great place to eat out. Support Small Business, gang. You need a place where everyone knows your name. I salute you, Matt, and your wicked, sizzling sense of humor.

 

 

 

 

Day 11

Marty and Peaches are about to say goodbye for the next few days. They kiss and wish for more but a quick overview by the distaff side of the table, i.e., Marty’s limp Grand Central Station is all Peaches requires to convince her that Marty needs to get comfortably erect, courtesy of Milford Men’s Clinic or will be The Wall between them.

Marty is ready to return to the wild. He beeline to the Prehistoric Trail, the same one Eckels used in Ray Bradbury’s “A Sound of Thunder”. THIS time, Marty must stay on the path or his careless ambulatory methods could cause severe alterations to the future. Marty McFly could be Milford’s next quarterback.

He begins hiking and immediately spots a pre-historic preying mantis, licking his chops on whatever Marty has on his person. Fact is, Marty forgot to screw the lid back on his Nutella Banana Nut Spread. Too many interviews with A & E while butt naked will do that, Marty. Mr. Moon scurries away and hopes the creature won’t catch and peer down his knapsack for a sample. Hopefully, the turnip in the same compartment as the Nutella will keep the mantis away. Harry Caray kept the Tarantula back with his breath so it can happen.

 

Peaches takes off her Milford Outdoors Dacron Gore-Tex Bikini Underwear. She is off to visit Lotus Land. There, the Lorelei sings to trap unwary hikers to her domain. Peaches has to exercise caution because if she crashes into the rocks, she’ll be eternally trapped in Mimi’s 5-game schedule and she’ll be one of Mimi’s players. Wanna schedule UConn Women’s Basketball to up your game? Tough. Either find a way to get out of the game contract with, for example, New Thayer (bribe the athletic director, dump a heap of Ex-Lax in the pre-game meal during the Opening Prayer) or the same teams will be played as infinitum. What a punishment. It’s hard to imagine Peaches on this Wheel of birth and rebirth, take the shot, rebound, say good game to the refs at the end, line up the officials for the next. Karma on the basketball court isn’t pretty. Being punished with lay-up drills forever just adds to the suffering. But, hey, look at it this way. If all suffering is Maya, or illusion, the pre-game warm-ups oughta pass quickly. And Peaches can always think of that prom date she had in high school when she blows the easy 2 and gets castigated by Mimi on the sideline when she’s yelling “Use the backboard!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Will Peaches be forced to use her Avon Bitchin’ Berry Liquid Soap to pour in her ears to drown out the allure of The Lorelei’s calling? Will The Sirens’ cover version of Husker Du’s “Books About UFO’s” send Peaches over the edge and land her in the gator pit or on the bench besides Mimi, whichever comes first? Will Tee Hee tear out her heart with  with his Chromium hand, laughing while she is McChicken Nuggets for some ravenous croc? In a moment, we’ll see if she escapes Motel Hell.”

“Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse. Man, Peaches is in a world of hurt. It’s a cryin’-ass shame Baron Samedi is not there to do his voodoo dance with his minions and the Milford High School Dance Corps to exorcise the demon that stole her heart, literally. And speaking of stealing, boy o boy, to quote ol’ Bud Man Harry Caray, the Warehouse has some steals for you and you don’t need signals from the 3rd base coach for these robberies. Jameson Irish Whiskey is on sale for $23.99, just what you need when you run out of Irish coffee. The teetotalers’ll never know what hit them. We have Menage a Trois Red Blend Wine, Milford Valley Select for the ridiculous price of $7.99. Yup, that’s right, grapes stomped on by some flunky and then fermented to perfection right here in your own backyard. And if you’ve read Kate L. Turabian’s Manual for Writers, and I confess I have skimmed through it while sitting my own private water closet, and if you are like me, you have no idea what pagination means. I guess you glue all the pages together, ensuring you have no Elmer’s Glue stains when you turn in your term paper. But don’t let that linch pin inhibit you from the imbibation of 19 Crimes Cabernet Sauvignon, the one Chef Boy-ar-Dee imbibated while he was cookin’ his spaghetti. He musta imbibated a bunch of these, you see so many of his cans BUT he got the liquoration for an incredible $7.99. Man, makes me hungry for his mini-ravioli. And remember, New Years Day is just around the corner. You don’t want to be imbibating Hi-C for such a festivity. Nope, keep plenty of Brut’s Champagne in storagation, either in your fridge or in your bird bath, hey, whatever yanks your crank. The point is, don’t be caught in flagellation by your guests due to a dearth of The Good Life on New Year’s Day. Leave the Kool-Aid to your kid’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese’s. Don’t take my word for it. Come in and see for yourself. There’s plenty of free parkination and if you purchase $50.00 or more of Life’s finest, Milford Beverage Warehouse will give you a free copy of William Zinsser’s  “On Writing Well”. Grammar and Bud never tasted so good, er, well.

Hop on in and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Harry and Gil at the Milford Mall signing autographs, Gil charging $10 an autograph, Harry gratis.

“Gil, have you no shame? Harry might have downed his 11th Bud and you might smell his breath even with all the car windows up but the kids love him. How can you charge kids who have no money?”

“Listen, I said ‘…extend a greeting to all my family and friends. It’s a way to keep the strip going. Wishing everybody ‘Happy Holidays’ with an ornate wreath wrapped around your head in P3 don’t come cheap. I had to talk down $20 just on the ornaments alone. Plus, the rest goes into the Practice Facility Fund. Tired of scrimmaging in Pulver’s driveway.”

 

Big shout-out to Andre Goatley of Louisville, Kentucky. Despite his having to use a Walker, he sports a 135 bowling average, quite an accomplishment, indeed. The man’s philosophy is practice, practice, practice. In fact, he was going from one bowling alley to another one across town to hone his craft. Adept also in track, he has proven you can do ANYTHING once you set your mind to it. You’re right, Andre. You are living that motto every day and then some. Well done, Big Guy.

 

 

Comment away, gang. I hope everybody has a wonderful Holiday and New Year. For me, personally, let Jesus rule your life as he does mine. He has done GREAT things in my life (trust me) ; Man o Man, if only you saw what I saw. Celebrate His Birthday by making this a very memorable day with your family and friends. Whatever your religion, be safe and enjoy the rest of the year.

I am thankful for you all. Without you, I am nothing. God bless you all. You all mean the world to me.

 

December 24, 2018

Billbored

Filed under: Coach Kaz, google nonsense, Kelly Krystek — nedryerson @ 10:57 am

122418

Maybe Bobby calls Skyborne Advertising to move forward with his next billboard. Steve at Skyborne will get his crew on it Thursday.

Kaz swings by Joan Anderson Travel to visit Kelly. She’s not busy, as usual, because nobody uses travel agents anymore. (Or do they? Click for lame article.) Maybe Kaz needs Kelly to book him a flight or maybe he has some other needs that internet ninja Kelly can meet.

Kelly saw the new billboard! It’s different but still strange. Whigham didn’t use a computer font on this one since he wanted to achieve a view with perspective so he had to go with hand lettering. It looks better. But what is Maybe Bobby driving at? Stay tuned.

I think I might want to visit Paris! Should I? What does Jonathan Richman think?

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