This Week in Milford

January 7, 2020

You Go Shootin’ While I Go Fetch A Player.

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Well, you shoot the ball

And I’ll go recruitin’, Honey

You swish the nets

And I’ll do some callin’, Babe

You line it up down the free throw hole

I’ll go fishin’ with my crawdad pole

For players, tall and fine

 

Gang, WHERE did Phoebe Keener come from? Was she one of those guest stars that popped out of the woods on Gilligan’s Island?

“Skipper, I just saw another Mudlark down by the lagoon. She was working on her lay-ups.”

“Oh, Gilligan, you’ve had too much of that coconut juice again. Why don’t you go lay down in the shade, Little Buddy, and get some rest?”

Why get on the phone, Mimi, and attempt to get more players when they seem to be coming out of your linen closet? Besides, isn’t that what TRYOUTS are for? Then you’ll never have to look in your shower stall again for a center who can score and rebound.

 

I was intrigued by You and the Law, a fascinating read on the different facets of the law. The Yale Professor of Law who wrote it made an especially interesting observation on the fact that you couldn’t appeal to your State Supreme Court for issues such as traffic fines (basically appeals on a State’s Constitution are heard) . Soooooooooooo

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Will Not Pursue DUI Case In Milford Superior Court!!!!!!!!!!!!! Will Enroll In Defensive Driving School In March!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I still think I got a raw deal on my Constitutional rights. Making me walk a straight line while I got Wrigley’s Spearmint in my mouth? Where’s the justice?”

 

As long as players are going to come out of Brigadoon, I might as well point out that Phoebe and that Harding defender couldn’t execute the Pee Wee Herman Dance any better than in P1. Mimi, having trouble locating players with some moves and good court vision? Look no further than this game. See, if you look within your own camp, it’s amazing what you can find. And all you need now is a record player to play that sax rendition of the dance, and an outlet to plug in the record player, naturally.

 

Well, you text a line

And I’ll go beggin’, Honey

No lane violations

And I’ll be a suck-ass, Babe

You pop the 3 down in the hole

I’ll be in the hallways with my crawdad pole

Honey, this takes time

 

And what OTHER entity could that be in P1 than The Blob returning to eat a player or fan or two? Sheesh, no wonder why Mimi can’t get anybody to play on the team. And what is St. Elmo’s Fire doing other than aiding in abetting with The Blob in devouring a fan who’s holding the “Kick the Shit out of Milford” (musta slipped a 20 to the security when he paid his admission ticket) ? If there’s one thing us Thorpiverse veterans can always count on, it’s a conglomerate of the Shadow People who have been pasted together for over 60 years. And the beauty is, the Harding fans and the Milford fans aren’t sitting in their separate clumps, er, sections. Yeah, I’m afraid the Shadow People or The Blob does not discriminate. Mudlark fans have been eaten at a steady rate along with Oakwood fans, New Thayer fans, etc. for 6 decades.

“Gil, where’s Jaime and Keri?”

“I don’t know. They were here just a minute ago. Yuck!!!!! What’s that giant red piece of Play-Doh doing on the verandah?”

 

If ya gotta use somebody’s jumper cables ta fish yore shotgun outta the crawdad hole that landed there cause ya tripped on some fresh deer droppings and ya pay the man a 6-pack of Bud for his successful efforts, ya might be a?redneck.

“Coach, I heard you need a power forward for the team.”

As Gil gets up from humping Mimi

“I do, but next time, don’t climb through the window. We’ll fix the door handle, I promise.”

 

And then we have Cindy Brady a/k/a Susan Wilcox-Olson who appears to give the Lady Mudlarks an outside scoring threat. Okay, Mimi, I understand you were desperate and had to enter the Milford Interdenominational Church for Susan’s wedding ceremony to beef up the roster (“…with this ring, I thee wed EXCUSE ME WE NEED YOU IN THE LINEUP, MRS. WILCOX-OLSON) , but couldn’t it have waited to change the surname from Olsen to Olson at the Milford City Clerk’s until after the game? If she can shoot, let her fire away, we’ll take care of the details later. I know we gotta reverse her maiden name and married name EVENTUALLY, let alone spell her maiden name correctly, but if Mimi needs Rolaids and needs it now, you don’t spell relief “B-U-R-E-A-U-C-R-A-C-Y”. You got a chance to win the game, Mimi, don’t blow it on a technicality.

 

On the S.S. Enterprise

“Scotty, see if you can maneuver a little closer to Xeneid. I understand the gasses are not noxious enough to allow us to penetrate the biosphere.”

“I don’t know, Captain, the ship won’t sustain much more with that magnetic field at our throats. And we are being fired upon even as we speak.”

“Spock, have you had many dealings with the people?”

“They’re not known to create problems with negotiations, if that’s what you are indicating. I can print out a communications cable-”

That notorious danger siren is sounding. Everybody is frozen. The door opens.

“Spock, is that one of their citizens?”

“I’m not sure. May we help you?”

“Yes, I understand the Milford Lady Mudlarks need a point guard off the bench in case Phoebe Keener needs a rest. Did I press the wrong button?”

 

 

And SOMEBODY CAN COUNT. Yes, there are 2 legs attached to each human torso in P2, although one player didn’t take her Rolaids and wound up with Club Foot. It must be hard to do lay-ups during warm-ups.

And minus points for the crotch shot of the coach. When The General was leading the 1976 Hoosiers to the National Championship, Scott May and Quinn Buckner and Kent Benson didn’t take orders from The General’s private collection. Couldn’t you see somebody’s crotch in Cream and Crimson? Didn’t think so.

 

You bomb it away

And I’ll grovel with my pleas, Honey

You drive baseline

And I’ll be petitioning, Babe

Shoot and-one from the ball you stole

I’ll fish at The Bucket with my crawdad pole

Honey, this 2-guard is mine

 

I love Diana Hacker and her ideas on style when writing is priceless. Not a day goes by that I don’t read something from her.

And right now, she would have a cow on how the sentence from P2 leads into P3.

If I’m getting the gist of the matter, Alexa “Don’t you dare call me ‘Gauss'” Watson is passing to Susan Olson-Wilcox-Olsen-in-the-Brady-Bunch-credits for the go-ahead score, THEN LATER passes to Phoebe Keener for an insurance score. Fair enough.

But of course, Thorpiverse has Hacker steamed because the way the sentence is structured, Susan Brady is getting the ball to score then subsequently sending it to Phoebe for another score. The way the modifiers are mangled, Harding is owed a possession which is unlikely to be settled so Milford will likely win because literary style went the way of Chris’ street clothes in the previous tete-a-tete with Coach Thorp. Amazing how many games Milford has won in 60 years riding the miscarriage of justice.

“That’s a split infinitive.”

“Game, set, and match, Thorp.”

 

Tomorrow’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Miffed Over Being Informed That State Supreme Court Will Not Hear Case!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I was NOT double-parked in front of the Milford Lounge. The farmer’s pick-up had a flat.”

 

And dangling modifiers aside, I like Phoebe’s Hokey-Pokey with the ball

You shoot with both hands in

You shoot with both hands out

You shoot with both hands from your chest

And you shake things all about

 

You do the funky lay-up

Then you turn yourself around

That’s how the game will turn out.

 

Game won by choppy sentences and a poor rendition of the Hokey-Pokey. Hey, an ugly win is better than a pretty loss.

 

 

Because I love to cook and was fascinated with all the combos with white grapes you could partake of

 

“And Marcia passes to Cindy over to Jan cross-court pass to Wilma who finds Betty on the baseline who kicks it out to Reggie for 3…”

BOOM BABY

“And Slick, Harding has called a time-out to talk things over. With 3:52 left in the 3rd quarter, it’s the Pacers, 89, Harding 86, the Pacers on a 12-2 run. We’ll have more on the Fan Duel Scoreboard in a moment, this is Mark Boyle and you’re listening to the Pacers Radio Network.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, this week is National Wine Week right here in good ol’ Milford. Now I realize that many cities all over the country have their own Wine Week but the way Milford Beverage Warehouse looks at it, soaking in The Good Life is a year-round venture anyway.

Hi, this Coach Thorp and Man o Man, have I got some deals for you. Right here in our own backyard, Milford Valley is selling their premium White Wine Supreme at a door-busting $7.99 a bottle. Good golly Miss Molly, I’ll be knockin’ a few heads myself to get to the wine rack. Boy, I can imagine myself in my chaise lounge on the verandah, sipping on a glass of that good drinkin’ while munching on Mimi’s tuna-and-walnut casserole and indulging in creamed mayo caramel for dessert. Why use Pepto-Bismol when Milford Valley can churn your stomach just fine?

Then you discriminating connoisseurs will appreciate La Marca wines in select varities. Mmmmmm, mmm, I can taste that merlot as I down my Jif Chocolate Peanut Butter sandwich at the Milford PTA Parents’ Night Out. And with Key Lime pie for dessert, at $15.99 a bottle, I’ll have to admit I’m glad Jaime and Keri aren’t around.

But wait, there’s more. Woodbridge Grenache and arugala just hits the spot after a long day on the phone asking the scout at The Bucket who looks like a true center at the drive-in booth. Top both with Mrs. Butterworths and you can pitch your flapjacks in the garbage disposal. For $9.99 a bottle, I’ll dump all my Eggos in my freezer box in the basement down the drain.

But don’t get namby-pamby on me and believe that Milford Beverage Warehouse is nothing but a wine-infested rat-hole for the quiche-and-brie crowd. We still have a wide selection of Budweiser, Coors, Michelob, Miller High Life, Falls City, Blatz, Schlitz, you name it, we got it and in mass quantities. Bring your Milford Beverage Warehouse Visa Card and name your multiple. Only your trunk will limit your 18-pack purchases.

In fact, our deal of the week is Maker’s Mark Whiskey at an eye-popping $22.99 a bottle. At that price, I’ll cram all the Eggos in my toaster and with that Mrs. Butterworth Syrup, Breakfast in Avalon is a cinch.

But come see for yourself and get your own Lance Sour Cream Crackers off the gum rack while going through the line to purchase your Milford Valley White Wine. I think you’ll agree, Heaven is just a sip away. Only at the Milford Beverage Warehouse.”

 

Gang, have at it. I’m going to check Dick Vitale’s Basketball Lexicon again. I had trouble with the word “deuce”. I thought Dickie V was talking about a card game. I want to make sure this time when he calls Susan Brady a “diaper dandy”, he’s not talking about Pampers.

 

“…and you shoot for the goal

I’ll check Gil’s closet with my crawdad pole…”

 

At The Bucket one night

“Hi, I’m Melba, and I’ll be your waitress. What can I get for you?”

“Have you ever thought about playing onnthe basketball team? We need a guard-forward.”

 

 

 

 

October 4, 2019

Cheap shot artists

Filed under: actual action, football, Gil Thorp, lazy artwork — robmize2013 @ 8:42 pm

In P1 I find it odd that the Tilden sign in background doesnt fit the yellow background. Its as if they made the background first and realized 6 big letters cant fit inside it. I dont know why there are big trees where the opposing stands should be.. I see stands to the far right but how long is the field if the stands are that far away? And where are the sideline personnel ( players, coaches, trainers, yard marker holders) Way too few people in the shot for it to be realistic.

P2 is ok, but P3 has Chances parents just now discovering that their son is involved in a skirmish? They both need new glasses if they didnt see the long sideline run by Chance followed by the late hit and subsequent takedown.

I would think there should be offsetting penalties for unsportsmanlike conduct meated out by the refs. Anything else should draw the ire of Gil and initiate another life lesson afterward.

 

October 2, 2019

Knocked Him Back 11

Filed under: actual action, football, Gil Thorp, Highlight reel, lazy artwork, Tilden — teenchy @ 8:43 am

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Damn, Gabe Salazar hit Tilden #53 so hard he turned the double sixes on his jersey into double fives! (Tearaway numbers, perhaps?) Still that doesn’t stop #53’s jawing; it’s a wonder he can see who he’s jawing at with that helmet slammed down so far over his eyes. Between calling the audible and mouthing off at the opponent, Gil has lost control of Gabe. Usually that results in a benching followed by the Mudlarks quickly packing in their season but hey, this show must go on at least for the remainder of this game.

Any momentum Milford had will soon be swept away when dirty #53 takes a dive at Chance Macy. No doubt Chance will be injured severely enough for Charlie Roh to come off the bench and replace him. No doubt, too, that whatever Charlie does or doesn’t do will be met with some passive-aggressive criticism from chirpy Chet Ballard, who will direct that passive aggression toward Gil. Careful, Chet: unless your name is Marty Moon, everyone from Hobart to Wildcat Maris to B/Robby Howry who takes on the Gilfather eventually gets banished to the cornfield.

 

September 6, 2019

From dark to light

Filed under: actual action, football, Gil Thorp, lazy artwork, Milford Idiots, Trainer Rick Scott — robmize2013 @ 4:50 pm

What the hell is the ref wearing pants with back pockets for? They look like his regular Dockers he wears to church on Sunday. Surprised his wallet isnt showing in back. In the stands his father laments Gils poor coaching; yes he’s right, however fumbling on one play doesnt have any connection with frequency of carrying the bread. Otherwise why would Gil need to change ballcarriers at all, according to Mr. Roh? There has to be a first carry for everyone Mister. His logic in P2 is a lot like the chicken and the egg theory. Which came first, the carry or the fumble?

And in P3 we have a sudden return to daylight, and Chance consoles Charlie for his fumble on the 2 yard line. Charlie also has turned yellow. He may have a circulation disorder that the trainer needs to diagnose. At least in daylight its more visible. Good thing this game is taking 15 hours. Hey when’s halftime? I need a hotdog.

August 30, 2019

I’m not gonna lie; I have a bulls-eye on my apron

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, football, lazy artwork — robmize2013 @ 9:14 pm

So this is Charlie, who lives with Chet. Who has a bulls-eye on his front (everyone else has one on their back). His mom apparently is Mrs. Roh. Maybe he is too. Thats why Chet is Chet, not Dad. So is Mrs. Roh Mom? Probably. So Charlie is a Roh.

Since practice is over, where is Charlie going now? How the hell did he get a bulls eye on his shirt in P2 that wasnt there in P1? He also is wearing dark bracelets on both wrists in P2, not P1.

Why does Charlie care about a player running 80 yards in practice? The defense isnt trying that hard. Or… the defense is BAD. Thats why Chance Macy is Good. Connect the dots people.

For being a junior Charlie isnt that big is he? But then he’s as tall as his refrigerator, which is around 6 feet for most fridges. He sure looks short outside playing catch.

 

 

 

 

 

August 17, 2019

Oh Yeah? Jump On This!

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Well, I’m glad that’s settled. Ed is neither the express nor implied racist we suspected him to be (or, at least, he’s not gonna cop to that). Neither is he really that concerned about Jaquan’s post-NBA career. He just wanted baby girl to come home and join/take over his practice. I mean, why should the Foley Law Group beat him to the punch? With that, Ed V. Baxendale joins the pantheon of Milford parents living vicariously through the lives of their children (if not outright preordaining their career paths via their names).

Kinda funny we haven’t seen Gil in the strip for a couple of weeks. Hope he’s watching more of Joe Bolek’s game film. He’d better keep Hadley on speed dial for the next time he needs to intimidate the lawyerless school board, or game the system to recruit outside talent.

Finally, it wouldn’t be a Gil Thorp arc-ending strip without some kind of lame joke and a freeze-frame ending. Good thing Jaquan got Luther, The Anger Translator to stand in for him.

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